yknow while this hellsite continues on the whole religion discussion thing, i’d like to jump in on it with my experience particularly with leaving catholic school.
like aside from my angsty pop-punk/emo etc teen phase (which’ll obvs be weaved into story later on) that led me to have different views from the church and aside from the whole sexism thing that i endured over my year 10 formal/junior prom in 2010 and 2011 from staff there….. i found it within myself incredibly hard to leave there… mostly because i’d known literally 1/3 of my year group at catholic school since kindy/kindergarten or some other point in primary school.
this affected my choice to leave and it was quite tumultuous inwardly. knowing the safety and predictably of the people i was with for all those years was a comfort to me. i knew their parents due to parent mixer bbqs that we’d have after mother’s day and father’s day liturgies- although i hated the mother’s day ones mostly, due to personal reasons. but to leave that comfortable place for overly loyal, kinda sorta shy (although everyone who knew me at that school wouldn’t’ve described me as shy bc i was a very loud show off because of drama class 😅) and by year 10, very lonely, highly socially anxious and depressed, teen me was terrifying. it meant losing her friends and stability and she obvs hated that thought. it meant leaving the one one place she ever felt good at something, drama class.
obviously, after she did leave for public school, she visited the catholic school on a few separate occasions, to try and keep the connection “alive” or whatever the fuck she wrote in a fake deep status on her fb (that i now get in my fb memories every year lmao). but it all ended pretty badly, when everyone from that school stopped talking to her once high school finished. no one invited her out. or if people did try to invite her out, like a couple of people did, it always fell through…. and it made her feel like she was just a bad luck charm or whatever other low self esteem talk she was telling herself. there was quite a few moody statuses around that too lmao.
but yeah. leaving catholic school was a massive thing for me back then, because even though i hadn’t gone to church on sunday for literal Y E A R S at that point; i still had a strong pull to that school because i’d known SO MANY kids at that school from primary/elementary/grade etc school, regardless of their year group level. because if there’s one thing catholic school was good at, it was networking 😂. you knew everyone, and everyone knew you. it was safe, it was sound, so i didn’t want to leave.
but once you leave, you lose your friends and what almost felt like an extended family (although they obvs weren’t). but at the same time, i’d grown to hate the safety and almost insularity of the school, because as i mentioned earlier, you felt like you could predict how people would react or behave in class/events etc.
i felt the above distinctly, because as i’ve mentioned plenty on here, from years 7-10 i was a very emotionally demonstrative kid. in some classes (mostly religion and PE when i was bothered to participate) i’d end up in shouting matches with the teacher or other students…. or y’know just have a casual meltdown in the middle of class, which many people saw as “attention seeking” behaviour. i felt watched, i felt ready to snap, and to quote the ever present All Time Low i felt like the bridge lyrics from “therapy” (which was/is quite obviously somewhat partially about the price of fame and hollywood imo- but that went over teen me’s head at the time lmao):
“arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to, they’re better off without you (better off without you). arrogant boy, cause a scene like you’re supposed to, they’ll fall asleep without you; you’re lucky if your memory remains”
like yes. i’ll admit those bridge lyrics being applied to this time is rather overdramatic, in hindsight, but hey. that was teen me for ya lmao. and don’t even get me started on applying ATL’s song “sick little games” to this at the time as well 😂😅. anyway. from all the “lms and i’ll tell you what i like about you” trend statuses that people were doing back then on fb, i’d gained the tag of “cool/chill girl”, my crush rich boy, once called me “outrageous” because of how loud i was and how willing in years 7-9 to scream out stupid song lyrics like “i want to fuck dog in the ass” by blink 182, fight song by marilyn manson and then idek probably my humps by black eyed peas at the top my lungs through the very few halls that that school had 😂😅. i was being purposely and annoyingly offensive most of the time.
but eventually, once it came to things like one of the girls in my group wanting to run for vice school captain and the other girls in my group A L W A Y S being given leadership positions (LPs)….. while i always had to apparently “repent” my behaviour by being made (in theory from my teachers) to sit alone at lunch because of my “embarrassing” and “unseemly” behaviour at the so-called “training”/ “retreat” days we had for things like being peer support leaders for the new cohort of year 7s etc etc. i felt like everyone was just waiting for me to leave…. and that they couldn’t stand my “embarrassing” presence and that i’d ruin my friends chances of being selected as co-captain or whatever other bullshit LPs they wanted to run for. but still. i felt like i couldn’t leave. just. how do you leave a bunch of people that you’ve known for so long???
and even when my teachers were nice enough to give me a chance in a leadership position once; in that dastardly bullshit internet safety workshop thing that they should’ve literally just hired a professional workshop co. to do….. but to save money they used students in my year group instead. so, instead of being marked by my teachers on this program; i was marked by the catholic education office. they had a lady come in from the ceo to judge/mark us while presenting…… and this lady went off at teen me for “not being professional, responsible and respectful” or whatever the fuck the woman told 15/16yo me…. which teen me then fired back with “i don’t have to be fucking professional and responsible!!!! IM FUCKING 15!!!!”.. so from then on i was never given an LP or any other type of “peer support” role against my friends who were littered with offers for them. mind you, i did call a whole room of 14 year olds “a bunch of cunts” or the like and then stormed out thinking that i’d made a solid point, so the CEO woman had a good reason 😂😅….. again in hindsight.
of course there was also the bitterness of teen me being angry at the english dept for not giving her a spot in the top class of english in her half of the year. but as i’ve said previously on other posts, i’ve forgiven this because i did essentially fail one shakespeare in class assessment in year 8 or year 9 😂. but i strongly felt this during my time at catholic school bc my friends believed that i should’ve been in the top english class too lmao.
but aside from those troubles and foibles, i still found it incredibly hard to leave. to leave the perceived closeness of that group of girls, who would sometimes walk me down to the office and sit with me in “purple room” while i waited for the teacher that had to act as my therapist almost lmao. even though i always told my friends to leave me be and go back to class bc i felt bad about dragging them out of class for so long.
but yeah. with all the above behaviour, the song lyrics to me at the time made sense bc teen me just felt so pressured to fit into the whole “funny, cool, outrageous girl” bs box that people had put her in…. but at the same time she wanted to escape it bc she was just *flyleaf voice* SO SICK of being laughed at instead of laughed with (atl weightless reference here kids) just because… like she DESERVED to be taken seriously for fucks sake, and not a be a “monkey do funny dance” person… she obvs felt this the most in drama class. where in the shakespeare unit, she picked a medley of romeo and juliet and taming of the shrew monologues to do for her monologue. although she nearly did lady macbeth throwing herself off the tower, to be hella edgy…. but she opted not to do that in the end. but she picked serious pieces bc she was sick and tired of being classed as the one trick pony go-to funny person.
okay. this really went off topic. but y’all get the point??? the decision of leaving catholic school was a hell of a ride for little 14-16yo me. it was confusing, terrifying and tied up in years of being overly judged and feeling like people wanted me to leave bc they were sick of me. it was tied up in years of mid-class meltdowns that had become kind of routine for me to have, and that people were just brushing me off as “attention seeking”…. but also ironically waiting for me to snap at any second for another wild shouting match or walkout; which would then make me look like i was “unruly” or “untameable/unmanageable” or whatever the fuck….. but i couldn’t take that anymore, for the final senior years. i HAD to leave it.
again it was hard to leave for loyal little teen me, despite how lonely and isolated she felt. why leave your friends when you’re comfortable??? but also: why stay in this toxic environment where people are just waiting for you to either shut the fuck up and put up with it or just blow up and absolutely lose your shit??? that’s just unhealthy asf. and the only unruly thing that’s happening here is the complete lack of mental health help or management in the aussie education system; but most especially in religious schools.
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Sunday 5/6
My roommates name is Shauna. She doesn’t flush and when I got here there was what I can only assume were soiled clothes in a brown paper bag.
A woman in the hall is also talking about her shit. I’m the youngest person here and im afraid to shower, there’s no door. The poop lady is cackling.
My roommate and I talked, she’s nice, and I met her night nurse and she is so nice. Her name is Maria.
I’m having a hard time figuring out why I feel like this. Its hard b/c I’ve been hungover but surely that’s not all it is. How do you recover from a hangover so bad you end up in a psych ward?
It weird not having my phone, I want to check twitter. I don’t want to go to group therapy tomorrow.
I just can’t stop crying, my eyes actually hurt.
My mouth tastes bad but I have no toothpaste.
I started reading this book called notorious nineteen and it is truly trash.
I don’t have the lights on bc Shauna’s sleeping- I feel like Mozart.
My eyes hurt, I might go call my dad again to get my moms phone number.
Ill be back.
Got Taylor’s # and called her/my mom. Maria gave me some antihistamines to try to calm me down/sleep.
My sisters want to come visit me on Tuesday.
I’ve only eaten a donut this morning.
There’s a painting of a window that is 100% mocking me.
I’m sweaty.
Some snaps I would be sending if I had my phone
*a pic of the little card that was on my bed when I came in w/ a number on it for housekeeping. Caption idea-
is this a joke?
It’s a work in progress.
*def a snap of me whipping/nay naying to the woman whose been singing in the hall all night (singer)
Shauna is snoring. There’s no joke there but its absolutely worth noting.
I just want to play candy crush.
Monday
(12:30 pmish) I feel like I’m in a dream. I’ve been sleeping all day- it turns out it was only like 3 hours tops.
I had so many dreams.
I just went and talked to a big ass table of doctors about my life and I just feel so groggy. They’re in there talking about me.
I skipped lunch b/c my tummy hurt so bad after breakfast.
Shauna puked everywhere.
I think she’s leaving.
Also turns out she’s in withdrawal AND pregnant.
And she has an infected injection site on her arm.
I just talked to my mom/dad/Taylor and asked them to bring me some books + shirts.
The nice psychiatrist said she would give me some adavan to calm me down. Also I skipped lunch b/c my stomach hurt so bad from breakfast but now I’m hungry so I guess they’re gonna order me something. I feel so weird. (might have napped here)
4ish pm
40 mg stratera (sp?), one mg atavan.
Finally left my room, I’ve been asleep all day.
Nurse went and got me a coke + a water and I saw they’re watching forgetting Sarah Marshall so I thought Id join. Everyone called me out when I came in since ive been hiding out. Bitches.
Movies suggested by the dude I’m watching FSM w/
- assassin’s creed
-Dogma
10 positive ways to describe myself
1. Legs that go up to my asshole
2. College educated
3. Big heart
4. Good sense of humor
5. Love babies
6. Love my friends
7. Good communicator
8. Love the outside
9. Big smile
10. Lovely family
9 positive coping skills
1. Talk to Taylor
2. Going on walks
3. Calling my parents
4. Reading
5. Going to therapy
6. Doing hw
7. Watching movies
8. Candy crush (questionable)
9. Eating veggies
8 things I’ve accomplished
1. College
2. Getting into grad school
3. Learning Spanish
4. Coming to the hospital
5. Making great friends
6. Moving a lot and making it through
7. Driving to SLC
8. Supporting myself (for the most part)
7 healthy things I can do each day
1. Eat well
2. Shower
3. Talk to my friends
4. Not drink
5. Clean my room
6. Clean my clothes
7. Do my hw
6 things I can change
1. My eating habits
2. Drinking
3. Exercising more
4. Getting a routine
5. Whitening my teeth
6. How I see myself
5 things I can’t change
1. How my family acts
2. How my friends act
3. The status of the US public school system
4. The amount of sunlight in my apt
5. My face
4 reasons I can’t give up
1. My family
2. I’m going to change the world
3. My friends
4. My future students
3 places I can get help
1. w/ dr. whose name I can’t remember
2. my apt (Taylor)
3. the hospital
2 people I can really trust
1. Taylor
2. my parents
1 reason I’m here
1. I need to not feel like this anymore
I’m holding myself back from asking why everyone’s here.
Assassin’s creed guy, also known as biting guy (an inside joke from earlier) and sweater girl are talking about if the food delivery guy has extensions.
We got called to dinner, now were finishing Sarah Marshall.
Biter dude told hair guy “nice hair”.
Oh my god, when peter sings about how much he hates himself, biter and white shirt turned to me and said dang sounds like he’s going to be in the room next o me! way to be self aware guys!
Just called my dad to find out about my stuff getting dropped off but turns out he did 2 hours ago and its all been in my room.
I started crying immediately b/c Taylor is amazing- she brought me the perfect books. It was like she was talking to me through the books.
She gave me b Franks autobiography and Jesse Donaldson’s ‘on homesickness’. And the book Amanda gave me. also wuthering heights and pastures of heaven. All so perfect.
Shirts is roasting the shit out of double lasagna (he ate… double the lasagna we all got for dinner).
He keeps saying he looks like he’s about to give birth
“I mean were already in the hospital we just gotta figure out what floor is maternity”
Wuthering Heights
1801- Mr. Lockwood +Heathcliff
Thrushcross Grange
Double lasagna is talking about the last time he had tequila- brother the last time I drank it I ended up here.
What an anecdote.
“they could have stolen my jewelry or even my virginity!” – about the guys who helped when he got too drunk. Double lasagna’s real name is * but he just introduced himself as Dorothy (to hair the night nurse helper).
Fake Abby (biting guy came to my room thinking I was her) is here and shirt just said “you’re awfully quiet” and she rejected him hard. It was awk.
One of the helpers is just chillin in here w/ us while I read my shitty book and we watch “just go w/ it” – its so bad.
One of the nurses (pony tail) just made me go on a walk down the hall w/ him. They all keep asking me how I’m feeling and I keep saying fine but I’m not. As long as I don’t talk I don’t cry. I’m starting to think I want to stay here longer but also leave right away. Its all so confusing.
Double lasagna just asked hair nurse if he could have his phone out of his bag and the way just looked up from his phone and said “nuh uh” was iconic.
Its 805 pm and I think I’m going see about getting my sleeping pills so I can just crash.
I need to document stuff better tomorrow b/c I don’t like how much of a blur today is.
I finally showered and I feel better I think. I just don’t know what the move is once I get out. Like I don't know how to talk to anyone.
I need Taylor to contact Morgan I think.
I’m sure she’s confused. Or maybe she doesn't care literally at all. Who cares. I’ve been surprised at how easily I’ve been sleeping today especially without my phone and with everything on my mind.
I need a talk therapist like yesterday.
I can’t bring myself to get through any of the books Taylor brought. The 19 book in such trash but it’s easy to read.
The shower needs to be pressed every 45 seconds to say on. I wore shower shoes.
Fake Abby doesn’t know what the move is, I can tell.
I called Taylor + my mom then got snack in my night meds. I mom told me to call back to talk to Mack so I just did. She’s lovely.
Double lasagna somehow talked to snack nurse into giving him a full sandwich. I got a strawberry poptart and a coke.
They’re checking in a new girl now who looks a bit like she’s closer to my age.
I’m happy she’s not my roommate.
I think tomorrow ill try to call family/friends less and trust the process. I need to really take a step back.
I’m just happy I feel comfortable sitting in the sun room. I knew a lot more about movies than they did
Goals for tomorrow-
Check out group
Find rec room/sign my name by Mack’s
Document everything
Keep room clean
They still haven’t cleaned Shauna’s side. Its off putting.
Have I mentioned they check on me every 15 minutes?
Its off putting also.
I wish I had just like some mascara or something. I hate to be that girl but damn.
My mom keeps trying to talk about the funny aspects of this but I can’t say I’m feeling them yet. Today just really was such a blur. I sept a lot then talked to therapists then I think went back to sleep? Then begged for lunch then I think slept? That’s where its fuzzy. Called my fam too much, I need to not tomorrow.
I also want to gain control of tv room tomorrow. Power move!!
Did I mention I called Chelsea? My brain is mush.
- Be more present tomorrow-
- Ask more questions-
be warned: new beginnings are rarely pure, and neither are the men who seek them
On Homesickness pg 23
Scott County
We are homesick most for the places we have never {truly} known
37, Franklin County
Questions to Proteus -> how do I get home? 45, Montgomery County
Tuesday
7:10 am
slept super hard but also had super vivid dreams. Mack and I talked about that last night.
She said she had never brought it up. I was a little restless, prob just bc they were constantly opening my door and eventually just stopped closing it.
I’m just trying to let go of control. I don’t want my phone back. I need to talk to someone about the insane anxiety I feel when I think about home back to the real world.
Even just being in my apartment scares me b/c it feels like its full of negative energy. I need to focus on the good when I get out.
I keep thinking about my phone bill and I can’t remember if I paid for internet. Also the maintenance light is still on in my car.
Even though mom and dad are coming today I need to be communicating less w/ outside world. If I really want to be off the grid I need to really b alone with me thoughts and be okay with it.
I kept feeling for my phone throughout the night.
I wonder what the nurses think of me. do I seem different than everyone else?
I keep finding myself trying to relate to the nurses, esp. the young male one (hair) but what am I trying to prove? That I’m not like everyone here?
Newsflash, asshole, I am
(I’m the asshole)
I need a sharper pencil- do you think a lobotomy joke will be appropriate when I request one orr?
I wonder if Prather has texted me. I’m supposed to sub on the 21st.
Yikes
Not looking forward to checking my bank account. I really spent a lot w/out giving a shit. It was freeing but I also haven’t worked in over a week + a half soooooo.
On homesickness is so dramatic but I love it. Makes me think of Taylor. (bc home, not the drama)
Also I think I’m getting fucking sick. Or, according to Lula (Flula) in 19, I’m getting hospital cooties.
7:27 am
I’m in TV room w/ singer. I asked what we’re watching and she said “some kind of cartoon”. She’s not screaming which is awesome. I’m going to read Wuthering Heights.
Almost 8
Called dad and asked him to bring me a pair of readers since my eyes hurt. Nice nurse #2 is here again. She’s blonde. I haven’t seen Maria again. Met another nurse too. She was young. Also there’s a fake nurse (fake nurses are in teal, like hair, and he real ones are in blue) who I def. know. Cant figure out from where, maybe high school? Either way, not cool with it. Also, they sharpened my pencil.
TIME TBD
Having a hard time focusing on reading. My eyes hut.
I don’t like waiting around.
Is it petty to point out inconsistencies in the rules? There’s different info on different sheets in the packet they gave us. Makes me wonder how closely these patients are reading it. Its all petty though, like whether or not we should take 5 or 10 minutes to use the phone or how many visitors we can have at a time.
I know myself too well, ill be bringing it up. I’m going to check on breakfast.
8:30ish
breakfast was sub par. Sat alone. New girl, sat w/ double lasagna. She only wanted milk so homeboy asked if he could eat hers! Has he learned nothing?? I ate pretty quick; I think I need to go back to sleep. I feel weird.
Time-?
Dr.?? (nice psychiatrist) came in and we talked. Started fine but I got really upset b/c of how much I feel like garbage and I don’t now if I want to be here. But also I don’t want to go back to the real world. She left and I went to go get a visteral 25 mg b/c I’m so upset. They gave it to me and when I got back to my room I 100% had a panic attack.
I felt like I was a kid again. Maybe its b/c I’m here but I’ve never been sure that what it was until now. They happened a lot as a kid and usually ended in my mom holding me and saying everything’s ok. Its so hard not having that now. I left my room and the med student from Sunday was in the hall and he came and talked to me until I calmed down.
With talking to them I finally feel like I’ve been able to verbalize how anxious I feel here along with how I feel about leaving. I just need to rest my eyes for right now, but when I’m up I need to write down what Dr. B said about when I get out.
I miss my parents.
Time unknown
Honestly can’t remember what happened next.
Social worker came in, she’s lovely. Talked a bit then I kept resting.
She gave me some info on how to stay grounded during a panic attack.
Then I think I went to the rec room to do a puzzle but then religion group started. I stuck around but then little dr came to get me and asked if I would meet with big table of doctors even though I hate it.
I did it but it made me upset again. They said they would come talk to me but they haven’t.
I fell asleep again then not Maria nurse came to tell me they’re gonna give me more adavan once my visteral wears off. Fell back asleep then got a drink/ate lunch.
My puzzle got hijacked so I brought a new one into my room. I hit a wall so I stopped to write all this down and go find out what they talked about it my meeting.
I think its around 1 pm.
2pm
Sat and watched how I met your mother for a little. Started crying. Asked a nurse when I was gonna get talked to when little doc came up. they gave me an adavan and now I’m waiting for him to come talk to me. the maid is making up Shauna’s old bed while I sit and cry. Very awk.
I don’t know why I keep crying. I just feel like I’m going to keep having these attacks. I feel so hopeless.
Still sitting here crying. Still no doctor.
My name is Abigail and I am safe. I am in the present and I am safe.
~505
lil doc came to talk to me and I got upset. I don’t understand what my next move is.
Just slept pretty hard until now then got dinner. Going back to sleep is very tempting.
I think I’m allowed another pill. What’s the point?
6:50 pm
I honestly don’t know what I’ve been doing since after dinner. I’ve been doing the puzzle in the TV room. I’ve been watching the office. I asked nice nurse if I could have another pill but she’s pretty sure she cane until its time for bed. My anxiety is pretty high right now my parents will be here in like an hour.
7 pm
officially been hoarding pencils. They say I can have an atavan at 10 pm for bed, but they gave me a V. im wondering if that’s going to help me sleep. They’re going to put me on abilify on top of my startera. I’m hoping they’ll give me some of this visteril to take home in case I start to freak.
Decided that in order to help me not get stressed I want someone to take my phone and ask me one by one about who texted/called/emailed and help me deal with it. Same w/ my bank statement.
I want to say I feel better, but I don’t know. Its just all a blur.
I want to see m parents so I can find out what the move is when I get out. Maybe a meeting with Andrea and social working and one of them would be cool.
I don’t want to get out after Taylor leaves. Fuck.
Double lasagna and biter left.
* is still here, and fake Abby is MIA.
New girl who I don’t know
New guy Brandon- wears vans
And tad who Mack warned me about. Apparently he called 911 on the nurses from the phones.
Bold move.
Fake Abby and I are friends. I think she’s lonely, I know she wants to be my roommate, but I can’t deal with that.
Now I just kill time until mom gets here.
930 ish?
Mom and dad came and I feel a bit better. Mom and I did our crossword puzzle and dad and I figured out grad school. I also had him assure me I don’t need to worry about $ right now.
I asked for a pen but they said no. but I STOLE ONE FROM MY DAD!!
Honestly its low on ink but just having it feels great.
Just called my mom and said goodnight to Mack. I feel ok. Mostly just shook b/c of how much of a dream this all feels like. But I’m ok. Time to crossword and eat my poptart like the star patient I am. And I’m gonna do it in god damn pen!
Goals for tomorrow-
- track when all meds taken
- get better at checking time
8am
slept like shit. But I think I might go home today?! I’m sick so my head fucking hurts. I dontknow what to think. I just want to sleep in my own bed.
11am
talked to dr. B + some of the team and I think I’ll just stay another night. It was hard for me to think of what I wanted to b/c I just woke up. but she made a good point that if I’m sick and drowsy it could be good to stay since they’ll change the time I get the abilify. I don’t know. Just very tired.
1109
Watching fresh prince. Thought there was gonna be group in here, but so far nothing. Fuck this.
Fake Abby told shirt he looks like Carlton and no shit he kind of does. He deadass did the dance while he was walking out. He thinks side burns were cool. Now singer is singing Elvis songs.
Newer girl is even scarier she’s very touchy. Seems like she doesn’t listen.
singer is standing directly in front of the tv. She threatened to fire the nurse that told her to stop.
Shirt is leaving today.
New girl just came in and snatched the stuff out of singer’s hands and then tried to talk to everyone. Now singer is out for blood. New girl is wild.
1140
going to lay in bed until lunch.
~12
slept a little until lunch. Hamburger and a coke.
I’m def staying another night. Thinking of some ideas for pickup since I need someone to go back to my apt w/ me.
I think that’s the move. And then if its horrible I can try to stay somewhere else. I’m thinking of asking my sisters. Idk. Might call some of them now.
I’m really just waiting to get something for my cough.
215
just slept super hard
even denied taking my cough meds so I could sleep more
I finally got into the rec room and unsurprisingly it was a disappointment.
Couldn’t find macks mark so I left.
Gonna go try to get more crossword
255
just called Chelsea, she said she would try to come over after work/talk to liv about doing the same. I just want to take a real shower.
Crazy Tad just said hi to me.
New girl (maid) is asleep sitting up, we’re watching that 70’s show.
My shirt smells like Keenan.
Also its almost snack!
Hmmmmm 4?
took a shower after smashing a poptart. The sheets they gave me to use as a bathmat smells like actual piss and shit- maybe I shouldn’t have wrapped myself in it.
A little before 5
Slept again. Got woken up for dinner. It was ok. God I’m so fucking tired.
I’m glad I’m writing everything down b/c its all such a blur.
Cant remember if I already wrong down that I talked to chels. I want help meal prepping and doing some laundry. Also someone to sleep over. I want my own bed, but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want my phone. I don’t know what good anyone can do me right now until my meds get figured out. I don’t know!!
I met my new nurse, DD, who said I’m taking my abilify in an hour. Then I want my sleeping pills so I can konk out, ugh.
Time to lay down. Again.
I think I fell asleep again?
Went to get my abilify around 615. Panic attack happened again.
I can’t stop crying and I don’t want to be here anymore w/out talking to someone about all my regrets.
I think more than anything I’m really disappointed with how this whole thing is going down.
Just want to stop crying.
830 pm
calmed down. Kind of okay w/ leaving but also so anxious.
844
Singer has 12 different personalities.
About to go ask for my meds/follow up on what’s up w/ the nurse’s research
9ish
Ate a poptart. Nurse was doing meds so she hasn’t looked into anything. Took 2 hydroxizines (50 mg) + a 3 mg melatonin. Called dad, still not a grad student. Very frustrating. Everything sucks but its ok bc I am Abigail Nash and I am safe in the present. I am not in the past. The present. And there are people that love me.
Thursday
- if… because then
- one day at a time
9 am?
Had breakfast, found out I’m going home today.
Called mom + dad, and mom is gonna pick me up around 5
2 more free meals!
Getting a therapist is going to take a minute but I feel ok about it
Nurse Nadine is so sweet.
These people are getting the wildest thank you cards later.
930
I’m going to get a watch
I don’t like not always knowing the time
That fucking short haired nurse came in again and gave me shit for being in my room
Don’t know her name
But I don’t want to
I’m getting out here short haired lady! And I’m pulling out to win!
I’m getting sleepy, fuck
I have like 8 hours to kill
Soooo
Suddenly now that I know I’m getting out I feel like some kind of bubble has been burst and I feel semi normal
Am I really the Angelina Jolie of this place? Not actually Angelina, but her character from Girl Interrupted?
She’s hot in that too, though.
Final thoughts for now- RIP Brittany Murphy.
925
group- only going because nurse Nadine is leading it.
Tad gave a very sweet little speech about his dad
Grabby girl wouldn’t share, she it nuts
But now miss congeniality is on!!
1055
cute rec therapist let me into the rec room. I wrote
SCABZ
In big letters on the table, and made a picture frame. Also played ping pong with grabby. I’m not even going to go into how that went.
Update: grabby thinks I’m her mom
My best gift:
The gift of travel. Travel in the sense of moving, traveling to see a friend, or a friend traveling to see me. travel has allowed me to maintain friendships w/ people I usually wouldn’t. Another gift coming from travel is my best friend, Taylor who traveled to another state for school, where I met her. And the gift of going to visit my best friend in France a few years ago who I’ve known since I was 9.
~~~~ when the party is at it’s best, it’s time to leave the party ~~~~
- Tad’s ex-father-in-law
almost noon
Tad (ok turns out its not the Tad Mack was talking about) said some really good stuff in group and when he was talking about finding balance I said, “like the yin for your yang?” and he did not know what I was really talking about but it fit into the convo really well. So I started to draw him one and when it was over I gave it to him and he was really touched. I feel really good about it. It sucks I’m just now getting to go to group but I think my meds might be working b/c I haven’t gone back to sleep yet.
Also, they said I could keep 19!
I need to get some books together to donate. And some puzzles.
After lunch
Pulled pork. Singer change the channel on TV to cartoons. I see a nap in my future. Also brushing my teeth.
There’s a new kid, he’s gotta be newly 18 b/c he looks young.
Tried playing monopoly w/ Tad, maid, and new guy, but it devolved.
Thought he was cute but he might be nuts (shocker)
I said he was welcome to my books and he looks a mans search for meaning and I’m about to leave so I don’t think im getting it back.
Amanda wrote a nice note in it. That sucks. I gotta stop being so nice.
I asked them to give me a visterile and they did. I should be ready to rock when mom gets here.
430
did more painting- made a weird sign for door knobs. No sign of homeboy + my book. I kind of don’t want to leave, but I refuse to let myself have fomo in a place like this. Idk what the move is for my book. He better be reading it. I don’t want to leave before dinner so he can at least have a chance to say something to me about it.
Tad is really fun to hang out w/. he is really nice. We talked about grounding during panic attacks and he invited me to play monopoly and we talked about how it sucks that we all just started talking to each other but that’s also prob just a sign that the meds are working.
I saw he put my yin yang in the front of his journal. Very sweet.
This isn’t to say he isn’t totally nuts. Also, young guy said my voice reminded me of “stuff” what the fuck.
Grabber called me mom and tried to give me her hand.
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