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cazshmere · 3 months ago

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Saturn & Distance: Where Life Feels Delayed or Out of Reach 🪐

materialist🔖

DISCLAIMER: For this post I’m focusing on the hard aspects of Saturn, specifically squares and oppositions, because they tend to show the most visible tension and emotional friction in a person’s life. while conjunctions are technically hard aspects too, they don’t always operate the same way. conjunctions amplify saturn’s energy, but depending on the planet and sign, they can sometimes blend more smoothly or feel more internalized. squares and oppositions, however, often show up as clear blockages, emotional distance, or external struggles, making them easier to spot and more relatable in daily experiences. These are just my personal observations and are meant for entertainment purposes only; it may not resonate with everyone due to the nuances of astrology. Please respect my work and avoid copying or stealing it. Enjoy reading!!

☀️ Sun Square/Opposite Saturn :

from a young age, you may have felt unseen, unappreciated, or constantly judged. maybe you had a parent (often the father or authority figure) who was overly critical, emotionally distant, or just hard to please. even when you did well, it might’ve felt like it was never enough.

you might’ve grown up feeling like your worth was tied to your achievements : good grades, being responsible, doing everything “right.” but inside, there was this quiet ache of not feeling truly seen for who you are, only for what you do. as an adult, you might struggle with self-doubt, imposter syndrome, or a constant need for validation. you might overwork, overachieve, or act like you’ve got it all together all while quietly feeling like a fraud. even compliments can feel hard to accept, like you haven’t “earned” them yet. and rejection? it hits deep. because you’ve spent your life trying to prove your worth, and when someone doesn’t see it, it reopens those same wounds.

but here’s the truth, your worth isn’t in your productivity or how others view you. this aspect teaches you to reclaim your light and validate yourself first. once you do, no one can take your power away again.

🌑 Moon Square/Opposite Saturn :

honestly it always feels like there’s a wall between you and your emotions and that wall probably started forming in your childhood. maybe one (or both) parents were emotionally unavailable, distant, or overly strict. maybe they were physically present but had emotionally checked out, or too wrapped up in their own issues to really see you, hear you and understand you. it could also indicate that your parents didn’t have a healthy relationship with each other, maybe there were constant arguments, cold silences, or even emotional manipulation that made the home environment feel unstable or unsafe :(

you might’ve learned early on that expressing your feelings wasn’t safe or welcome. maybe you were told to ‘toughen up,’ ‘stop crying,’ or ‘don’t make a scene.’ so you shut down. you adapted. you stopped needing. maybe affection felt conditional, only given when you achieved something, looked a certain way, or suppressed your real feelings to avoid conflict.

as a result, you became hyper-independent. the kind of person who doesn’t ask for help, who keeps everything bottled up, who always tries to handle everything alone because leaning on others feels… risky. even in your closest relationships, you might struggle to open up fully. there’s always a fear, what if they leave me? what if they don’t understand me? what if they think i’m too much? so you stay silent, even when you’re screaming inside.

this aspect teaches you that true emotional security can’t come from people who couldn’t or wouldn’t give it to you, it has to be something you build from within. it’s not about hardening yourself forever, but about healing the part of you that thinks love must be earned by suffering. you’re allowed to be soft. you’re allowed to feel. you’re allowed to ask for more. you’re allowed to depend on others without feeling afraid, cause baby you deserve it <3

💕 Venus Square/Opposite Saturn :

love often feels like a challenge for you, whether it’s self-love or receiving love from others. you might have grown up feeling like love was earned and not freely given. maybe one or both parents were emotionally distant, critical about your looks, or just didn’t show you the kind of warmth and affection you needed. so now, as an adult, love can feel… heavy. complicated. exhausting.

you might constantly feel like you’re too much or not enough. maybe you find yourself settling for crumbs because you don’t fully believe you’re worthy of more. it’s like there’s always this invisible wall between you and the love you crave like it’s almost there but never quite within reach.

trigger warning ⚠️: body image / eating disorders

for some, this can also lead to body image issues, eating disorders, or obsessive thoughts around appearance. especially if love or acceptance felt tied to how you looked growing up, whether it was comments about your weight, complexion, or being compared to others. this aspect may manifest in the form of harsh self-criticism. please note, this is just an observation and not a diagnosis.

end of trigger warning ⚠️

you might attract emotionally unavailable people, or be drawn to relationships that involve some kind of separation , long distance, big age gaps, bad timing, or just that lingering emotional coldness. even when you’re with someone, you might still feel alone. it’s the type of aspect that makes you doubt your worth every time someone pulls away, ghosts, or doesn’t show up for you in the way you hoped. and it stings even more when everyone around you seems to be effortlessly loved. sometimes, it plays out in your relationship with yourself too. you become hypercritical, feeling like you always have to look better, be more successful, do more to “deserve” love. maybe you feel guilty when someone is kind to you. or you question it, like “why me? or “is there some sort of ulterior motive behind their niceness?”

but here’s the truth my loves, the real healing begins when you stop settling for love that feels cold, distant, or half-hearted. when you realize you never had to earn love, you just had to believe you were already worthy of it. this aspect isn’t here to punish you. it’s here to help you learn how to love yourself so deeply that you naturally start rejecting anything that doesn’t reflect that same energy back.

🗣 Mercury Square/Opposite Saturn :

growing up, you may have felt like your voice didn’t matter. maybe you were constantly interrupted, talked over, dismissed, or told to “be quiet” instead of being heard. maybe your thoughts were met with judgment or sarcasm, so you started holding back.

as a result, you might struggle with speaking up, second-guessing your words, overexplaining, or staying silent out of fear of sounding “stupid.” social anxiety, awkwardness, or freezing up in conversations can be common. even texting or posting on social media might give you anxiety. this aspect can also show struggles in school, maybe you felt “slow,” zoned out, or had trouble focusing or expressing what you actually meant. teachers or peers might’ve made you feel small :(

but over time, you learn: your voice is powerful. you don’t need to have the loudest voice to have something meaningful to say. when you start trusting yourself, others start listening too. your words do hold weight, you just have to believe it first.

🔥 Mars Square/Opposite Saturn :

it always feels like something is blocking you. no matter how hard you try, success feels delayed. maybe you grew up with strict parents, high expectations, or environments where you couldn’t just be yourself. you were told to sit still, follow rules, not speak out, so now going after what you want feels… heavy.

you might procrastinate a lot, not because you’re lazy but because you’re scared. scared of failing, of not being good enough, of being judged. so you freeze. you self-sabotage. sometimes you get bursts of motivation, but the pressure is so intense it burns you out before you even start 😕. there might be bottled-up anger too, you want to stand up for yourself, set boundaries, take control, but something always makes you hesitate. maybe you were punished for expressing anger, so now you suppress it until it explodes.

but here’s the truth, once you push past that fear and stop letting old limitations define you, you become unstoppable. this aspect gives you unmatched grit, drive, and discipline. you just have to trust your fire again.

🧿 Jupiter Square/Opposite Saturn:

honestly it can feel like you’re always stuck between wanting to dream big and feeling like you’re not allowed to. maybe growing up, every time you got excited about something, be it a passion, a plan, a wild dream - someone immediately shut it down. maybe you were taught that hope is naive, that ambition is risky, that “playing it safe” is the only real way to survive. maybe there was a parent who believed in rules over risks, or a home environment where caution and practicality crushed your natural optimism before it ever had a chance to breathe.

it can create this painful push-pull inside you: you want more from life, you can feel that hunger for growth and expansion burning in your chest but at the same time, you doubt it. you second-guess your own joy. you wonder if you’re asking for too much, wanting too much, dreaming too loud. there’s this constant internalized fear that if you reach too far, you’ll fall harder. and sometimes you self-sabotage before anyone else even gets the chance to. because it’s safer to shrink first than to risk being crushed later.

you might struggle with feeling guilty for wanting better. for wanting more than the people around you settled for. you might feel weighed down by responsibility, by obligations, by the sense that you have to “earn” your right to happiness through endless work, endless proving, endless waiting for permission.

but the truth is… you’re allowed to expand. you’re allowed to want more. you’re allowed to be proud of the spark inside you that still dares to believe there’s something bigger out there. saturn will test your faith, but jupiter inside you is still alive. battered, cautious, maybe, but still alive. and that’s something no amount of fear can ever fully take away.

🛸 Uranus Square/Opposite Saturn :

freedom and structure always seem at war inside you. maybe you crave routine and rebellion at the same time, like you want stability, but the moment life feels too predictable, you itch to break free.

a consistent schedule? deadlines? authority? it can feel suffocating. but at the same time, not having structure can make you spiral. there’s always this inner tug-of-war between wanting to be free and needing to feel safe. you might’ve grown up in an environment where you had to follow strict rules or hide parts of yourself to avoid judgment for instance your interests, quirks, identity. maybe people made you feel “too much” or “too different,” so you toned yourself down to fit in :( or maybe you were forced to be responsible too early like taking care of things before you were ready, which made adulthood feel both empowering and exhausting. now you rebel against responsibilities because you never got to just be free.

this aspect can cause chaos - suddenly quitting jobs, ghosting routines, getting random bursts of rebellion. but it also teaches you how to mix discipline with authenticity. real freedom isn’t about escape, it’s about building a life that doesn’t require one 🫶🏻

🌀 Neptune Square/Opposite Saturn :

dreams always feel just out of reach like they’re right there, but the moment you try to grab them, they slip through your fingers. maybe you’ve experienced broken promises, let-downs, or people who painted beautiful illusions but never followed through.

you might’ve grown up hearing “be realistic” every time you shared your goals or ideas so now you second-guess your passions. part of you wants to believe in magic, love, purpose… but the other part is scared of being naive. this aspect can make you overly idealistic or extremely cynical, swinging between believing in fairytales and expecting disappointment. you might struggle to trust others, or even your own judgment. you want to believe people mean well, but experience has taught you otherwise. it’s also the classic “procrastinate because you’re overwhelmed by your own dreams” energy. you see this big beautiful vision, but don’t know where to start, so you avoid it.

the lesson? don’t give up on your dreams rather you need to anchor them. ground your visions in small, real steps. keep your faith, but add structure. that’s when the magic actually becomes real.

🩸 Pluto Square/Opposite Saturn :

power struggles, deep-rooted fear, and this constant feeling like life is pressing down on you. this aspect can make you feel like you’re constantly fighting for your right to exist on your own terms.

maybe you grew up in a home where control was everything. strict, harsh, emotionally unavailable or even manipulative authority figures, people who made you feel small, silenced, or unsafe for being yourself. you might’ve learned early that vulnerability = weakness. now you either suppress your emotions to avoid being controlled or you become hyper-controlling yourself - of your space, your routine and your relationships because deep down, chaos terrifies you.

this aspect can also show up as internalised pressure: you push yourself too hard, expect too much, fear failure like it’s the end of the world. or on the flip side you avoid stepping into your power because you’re scared of what it might cost you. sometimes it feels like the universe keeps testing you, over and over. but what it’s really doing is building your strength.

this is a slow-burn transformation, one that teaches you to hold your own power with integrity and not fear. you’re not here to be controlled. you’re here to own your intensity and use it to build something unbreakable.

🌿 North Node Square/Opposite Saturn :

everything important in your life feels like it arrives late. relationships take time to feel right, career paths feel like a maze, even self-worth is something you’ve had to build, brick by brick. it’s like you’re always being asked to wait, while everyone else seems to be rushing ahead.

but that delay? it’s not random. it’s saturn’s way of making sure you don’t just stumble into your purpose but you genuinely earn it. you might constantly feel behind, compare your timeline to others, or feel like nothing ever comes easy. even when opportunities show up, you second-guess if you’re ready or deserving. early life may have involved rejection, rigid expectations, or a lack of support when you needed it most. because of this, your growth feels heavy at times, like you’re always pushing uphill, carrying the weight of your own potential.

but when things finally do click into place - your relationships, your career and your purpose they won’t fall apart. they’ll be strong, solid, and real. your path isn’t delayed, it’s being secured. you’re not behind, you’re being built to last 💪��

🕷️ South Node Square/Opposite Saturn :

ever felt like you keep living the same painful cycle on repeat? like no matter how much you change, something keeps pulling you backwards into the same relationships, same fears, same patterns?

this aspect screams karmic loops. it’s like the universe keeps handing you the same test over and over again until you finally face what you’ve been avoiding. maybe you grew up too fast. maybe you carried too much responsibility early on, on an emotional, mental and even a physical level. now you carry guilt for resting, fear around change, and a subconscious attachment to struggle because it’s familiar. you might cling to the past such as past relationships, past identities and even past pains because it feels safer than stepping into the unknown. but deep down, you know you’re meant for more.

this aspect teaches you that comfort isn’t always growth. that safety isn’t the same as fulfillment. and that letting go isn’t weakness, it’s your path to freedom. you weren’t meant to repeat. you were meant to rewrite.

🪞Saturn square/opposite ascendant:

from a young age, it might’ve felt like you had to earn your right to exist freely. maybe people projected their expectations onto you like your parents, teachers, friends and even strangers, making you feel like you constantly had to “perform” or present yourself a certain way. you weren’t just allowed to be. your identity felt monitored, criticized, or shaped by external pressures.

you might’ve been labeled as “mature for your age,” or someone who always had it together even when you didn’t. and now as an adult, you might struggle to show vulnerability because it feels like weakness. or maybe you’re hyper-aware of how people perceive you which can make social situations feel stiff or draining.

⚠️ trigger warning: body image / body dysmorphia

this aspect can deeply affect how you see yourself physically. maybe you grew up feeling “not good enough,” compared yourself to others constantly, or even experienced body shaming. you might be extremely self-critical, obsess over flaws no one else notices, or have a distorted view of your appearance. saturn here brings the harshest internal mirror. it’s exhausting, the constant feeling that you need to fix something to be lovable, visible, or accepted and i’m genuinely so sorry for all of you who had to feel this way. please note, this is just an observation and not a diagnosis.

end of triggering warning ⚠️

you might feel distant from your true self, like you’re always wearing a mask to be “acceptable.” but here’s the gold: this placement builds character. you become someone who doesn’t crumble under pressure, who’s capable of showing up as your real self, even if it scares you. the work is about unlearning the belief that you have to earn love or space in this world. you’re not here to meet everyone’s expectations. you’re here to be real.

gif & divider credits to their rightful owners <3

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plutoasteroids · 1 year ago

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PAC How Will Your Future Spouse's Father (Your Father-In-Law) Feel About You.

Pile 1 Pile 2 Pile 3

DISCLAIMER: This reading is solely for entertainment purposes only! I am not responsible for any decisions taken based on my readings.

This is a general reading so if nothing resonates don't take it to heart. Take what resonates and leave what doesn't!

ASK BOX is always open

TW: MENTION OF NEGLECT AND ABUS3. IF ITS A TRIGGER FOR YOU AND YOU CONTINUE TO READ ANYWAY PLEASE DON'T BLAME ME ITS YOUR CHOICE!

PILE 1

Your father-in-law would view you as something new and different, you may be the complete opposite of the general type of your FS normally goes for but in a good way because I feel your FS doesn't necessarily have the best track record when it comes to picking their partners. Your father-in-law will quickly approve of you it feels almost like they'll say to your FS 'you made a good choice'.

But at the very beginning they may feel a bit unsure about you specifically because of the way you carry yourself, you could be really shy and not talkative or super confident anyways they just won't be 100% sure about you more so because he doesn't have a clear grasp on your personality or even your intention.

Them being unsure will quickly change and the two of you may have a relationship based on understanding or similar values or opinions. You'll have some sort of mutual understanding that will bring you both closer, in the long run they'll for sure view you as their child maybe even as somewhat of a friend.

Your Father-in-law gives me scholar vibes if not heavy lawyer vibes, lawyer, professor, teacher maybe even a priest.

PILE 2

They will feel somewhat withdrawn from you. I don't think your future father-in-law is involved in your FS' life, as in they are around but they never took an active role, so they won't have much of an opinion on you. It seems like they might see you from a distance like maybe through social media.

But from what they know about you they feel like you're very passionate and enthusiastic about life in general because your life will be pretty well. They feel like you have your life together and they like that.

But there is some sadness here mainly relating to the fact that their child found their life partner and are moving on with life and they can't be a part of that. They might do some introspection to try change and get better, they may even try to slowly enter yours and your FS lives.

It feels like they may have been a dead-beat dad for some of you and for other just emotionally unavailable and maybe slightly abus!ve.

PILE 3

Your father-in-law it seems like they may be aware of your existence in their child's life, but they aren't aware of how significant you are but finding out about your significance in your FS life might be somewhat of a pleasant surprise to him.

He will have a positive opinion on you, feeling like you bring some balance and happiness to your future spouse, and it feels like he won't be too active in your life and that of your fs. Like not absent but giving you two space to be your own people and your own couple, but he'll be there when you need advice, or you need someone to talk to.

I think you may give him a fresh perspective on life, and he'll certainly appreciate your views and your opinions. He seems to eb more on the unconventional side.

Random information: He may pay for your wedding (if you want to get married) just because he wants to and it would make him happy to pitch in financially.

He may not be married to your FS' mother. Like he is married to your FS' stepmother, or their partner isn't the biological parent of your FS. I also get the vibe of it being maybe a same sex marriage.

#daily tarot #free tarot reading #tarot cards #tarot reading #tarotblr #tarotcommunity #astro community #astrology #divination #pick a card #pac tarot #tarot reader #tarot #channeled message

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marikosfragrance · 6 months ago

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BLUE LOCK X READER

"Can they fall in love?"

Characters : Ness Alexis, Hiori Yo, Aiki Himizu

Content : Can they fall in love? How long would it take? And what conditions must be met for it to happen?

Disclaimer : I don't claim ownership of the characters, as well as claiming their personalities portrayed here as canon, this is my own interpretation of their trait and personalities and how I portrayed them is up to you whether or not you see it as canon or different.

Note : Thank you for the asks, really enjoyed doing this. And also if ever there was something amiss, or if I ever did a mistake on a characters backstory, please feel free to clarify, so I can adjust accordingly. Excuse grammatical errors.

Hiori Yo

Can they fall in love : Yes, for sure. Hiori doesn't seem to be incapable of it. He is a polite person, as described by numerous characters. Some people might think be would be emotionally unavailable due to his past, and I can see where some of those people might come from. Hiori's past is all about soccer, from the day he was born, his parents had made it their mission to ensure hiori would excel, as opposed to their failures in the past as athletes, where they always never seem to get the number 1 spot.

However, we can see glimpses of how this have strained his relationship with his parents. I mean, his parents made him, just to impose their unfulfilled aspirations on Hiori, which can be mentally draining. Normally anyone would shut themselves out from others, a case of emotional distance as a way to shield themselves. But then again, he doesn't. After seeing how he was still able to make a connection with Isagi and Nanase, we can't just say for sure this means he emotionally closed off. I cant see him fully succumbing to his parents emotional manipulation. Hiori has proven himself to be strong enough to realize what he wants.

He might not seek out relationships, but if fate grants him one, it would depend on both him and the person whether or not hiori sees them as worth it, or someone that he really wants.

This might be his first step of him realizing his wants and having something he genuinely wanted, and not putting it in the hands of his parents, but rather his. And his alone.

How long would it take : Hiori doesn't shut off people, like rin or kaiser. Nor is he unable to feel emotions. I would give him 5 months. Even more if possible because it would take a while for him to see someone in a romantic aspect, and want to date them.

What conditions must be met :

1. That person has spent enough time with him, and doesnt need constant Involvement. I feel like a controlling partner is a no for him. His parents are already enough

2. His type is questionable. And I don't know how to incorporate it, so I won't involve it, but if he has to choose who he wants to be with, his partner doesn't have to be involved with soccer, if his partner is involved though, then okay. But I have a feeling he would prefer it if his partner wasn't involved in soccer. Since not being involve in something he deems as a restraint, would make him view that person as a comfort zone.

In short, he can fall in love. There might be times where his partner experiences some space in their relationship, a space in which Hiori deems as appropriate. He would care for his partner, but his partner can only do so much and wouldn't be able to fix his problem. Atleast for him.

Ness Alexis

Can they fall in love : Of course. Ness falls into the category of emotionally manipulated people. Ness secretly craves for acceptance, for the magic that he himself believes in. Its such a shame it was used against him in the end. The lack of acceptance in one's family can affect how you proceed with life with the very thing that caused it. And for Ness, that was his belief of "magic". His family being scientists makes the situation both ironic but also pitiful. His beliefs were crushed by his own family— people that should've supported him instead of making him feel disregarded, which left a hole in his sense of self, which laid him vulnerable enough for Kaiser to take advantage of him. Ness was easily manipulated as he was in a vulnerable position. A position where he is deprived from the very thing he believes in, and so he seeks this concept in order to fulfill his beliefs.

It isn't a surprise if someone, maybe a potential love interest uses this against him as a way to gain his favor. Ness is vulnerable. So if the potential interest takes advantage of this fact, it wouldn't be so hard for Ness to attach himself to that person, falling in love wouldn't be too long.

But if I was being honest, someone that accepts him, is honest and doesn't manipulate him would be an ideal partner for Ness. For a healthy relationship, that person must be someone not cruel enough to use his vulnerability against him, but rather pull him out of it— bringing him out of potential toxic interactions with others who are cruel enough to use it against him.

He mentions his ideal type as someone that can handle their solitude. It's the complete opposite of how he is— he couldn't handle it and thus his solitude made him vulnerable. For me, this isn't just his "ideal type" but rather a reflection of the type of person that he both aspires to be, and can trust.

How long would it take : A manipulative person, who knows how to take advantage of his vulnerability, would take them less than 3 days. He would fall in love in a week if he starts to depend on that person, as they manipulate him. If someone is honest and genuine, it would still take the same amount of time but if they are honest, it means they won't use his vulnerability against him so it would take a few days longer. Their kindness and genuine affection wouldn't make him take so long to fall in love. A week or more.

What conditions must be met :

1. They don't shut him down

2. With the right interactions and moments where Ness truly feels happy or accepted.

In short, yes he can. It wouldn't even take as long but Ness would indeed fall in love with someone if it comes down it. Especially if he depends on that person more and more for their validation and acceptance. If he does end up with someone, he would be the most loyal person I know, as well as the most caring.

But right now, with Kaiser currently taking place in that hole that Kaiser manipulated his way into, it might go differently (let me know if you want me to further go deeper in this).

Aiki Himizu

Can they fall in love : he would but it would take a long time of trust. And by trust, it means gaining HIS trust. He grew up in a household where both of his parents are wearing faces every day. Faces that are "fake" and he constantly had to put up with their constant lies.

He is described as someone that has a snake-like personality. I think it fits him, Aiki's skills in the field involves mostly feints, which is really befitting considering how his entire character has a relation with lies— how he makes it his goal to figure out everyone's true colors in the field. Their true self. He believes that everyone's personality are built up from lies that they make up, which pushes him to expose people's true feelings. For him it's not in a case of being satisfied for making people lose it, but rather something deep inside him, wishes to see something genuine.

If he were to fall in love, it wouldn't be with someone that lies constantly. No. I cant see him wanting to pull himself in a place where he has to constantly guess what the person's true feelings are. He would like someone genuine. Someone that isn't laced with pure fakeness, but rather honesty. That person doesn't have to be a complete Saint to the point they'd have to mot lie their whole life. But he'd just want that person to be genuine enough for him, in a way that won't make him feel the discomfort he felt since childhood. It might be hard though, I feel like making him see that someone is genuine and isn't lying would take so much time. But once he trusts someone, he would see them as his comfort zone. Though his personality may not be as tamed when he trusts someone, if that person breaks his trust, he wouldn't trust again.

How long would it take : Very long. Maybe 9 months max? It might lessen if he can feel that person's honesty and he wouldn't see himself second guessing anymore.

What conditions must be met?:

1. That person gains his trust

2. That person is patient

In short, yes he can. But it takes time. Trust takes time. But once he trusts, that person can never break it, otherwise he would totally have a much harder time trusting then and his second guessing persona would worsen.

_____________________________

Thanks for the asks!!! Really enjoyed making this, and I got to meet a new character hehe. I hope you enjoyed reading!!! 😻😻😻

#bllk #bllk x reader #blue lock #blue lock x reader #himizu aiki #aiki himizu x reader #aiki x reader #aiki blue lock x reader #ness alexis #alexis ness #ness x reader #ness alexis x reader #alexis ness x reader #hiori yo #hiori x reader #blue lock hiori #hiori yo x reader

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igotatasteforoldermendelrey · 18 days ago

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A poison running through my veins.

Picture from goldwingdt on Pinterest.

A/N : hi! It took me a while to write this one. I got inspired by Ali Hazelwood’s most recent book Problematic Summer Romance and wanted to adapt it to a story with Bucky. I hope you will like it.

English is not my first language you will find mistakes in there.

+18

Ship : bbf!Bucky x reader

Summary : you knew it was wrong. He was older than you and had always rejected you because of your age gap, saying it is not morally correct. However, when you start flirting with another man in the company, Bucky seems to forget about his boundaries…

Warnings : angst, mention of intimacy (not described in details), John Walker being an idiot and an asshole (he grabs reader by the wrist), talk about feelings, screaming, swearing and insults, emotionally unavailable Bucky, age gap (10 years, reader is 25, Bucky 35), happy ending, mention of accident (nothing big), Bucky is reader’s brother best friend.

Tell me if I forgot anything!

I do not consent to any of my work to be translated or posted anywhere else without my permission.

Banners made on Pinterest.

You were soaked to the bone when you arrived at work, hair sticking to your forehead. It was a bad day and even worse when the first person you’ve met was James Buchanan Barnes, your brother’s best friend. He was wearing a dark blue suit, his beard not shaved for a few day and his hair slightly tousled as if he just ran his fingers through it. And as soon as you saw the smirk on his face you knew he was going to be a pain in the ass.

Hello there sweetheart, you just got out of the shower or something?

Shut the fuck Barnes. I’m not in the mood.

You kiss your mother with this mouth?

You stared at him with daggers before continuing walking towards the elevator. Of course the man had time to slide between the doors before they fully closed and that’s how you find yourself stuck with him for a short ride.

Are you alright?

What do you think? You answered, still not looking at him.

Bucky and you bounded only over the fact your were both closed one to your brother with whom you were working with. You weren’t blind to his looks, of course not. You had a fucking crush on the man since you’ve first met him, at your brother’s birthday six years ago.

They’ve met in college, bounded over distress at the approach of the exams and decided to use Bucky’s family money and your brother’s well earned to start a company. Their "baby" as they like to call it was thrilling and starting to develop overseas. When you finished college, they asked you if you would like to work with them, not for them, to help them maintain the status of the company.

It took you some time to weight the pros and cons and finally decided to accept it. So here you were, standing beside Bucky who was leaning against the wall, looking at you intensely.

Still the Mayers deal?

I swear if they ask something more I’m gonna send them a paper plane made with my resignation later.

You’re thinking about resigning? He raised his brows, clearly surprised.

No… I mean I don’t think so, I love this job. But the stress man…

Yeah sometimes it can becomes too much.

Yeah I should find something to get the steam off… you replied with a smirk.

Don’t go on that road. He warned.

Yeah yeah I know… I’m too young, you’re too old… Blah Blah Blah. Always the same excuses and yet you cannot deny what happened last summer.

The elevator stopped at your floor, you exited it without looking back at him, the first mention of this event since it happened made her feel like she couldn’t breathe.

~~~

A few months ago, summer house.

You and your boyfriend just arrived at the summer house, a place your parents used to rent before your brother could buy it. So now it was where you spent most of your summers, coming here with your brother and now your boyfriend, Max.

You didn’t have time to pass the door that you were already have an arguments about something Max had said in the car.

No Max. Don’t accuse me of not being enough relaxed when I’m literally passing the hardest exam of my life.

You’re always moody and rude!

Asking you to turn down the volume of the TV isn’t being rude! All my neighbours are complaining about the noise.

What is going here? Your brother interrupted you before Max could reply.

Dumb shit. He replied, shaking hands with your brother.

Bucky saw the face you were making, the way you rolled your eyes and the redness of your cheeks. When Max hold out his hand to him, he took it, tightening his grip a little bit tighter than usual.

You’re Jeremy right? The accountant?

Uh… Max shook his hand to get out of his grip. No, I’m Max and I’m in music.

Oh right, you’re the one that put all his savings to make an album that no producer wanted. Almost forgot.

Buck, be nice. Your brother warned although he was looking hard to Max.

You, however, had a smirk on your lips at the sweat forming and your boyfriend’s forehead. He deserved to sweat a bit after every shit he pulled recently. You were planning to break up with him anyway, not able to deal with him anymore.

You looked at Bucky who was already staring at you, a strange spark in his eyes and a smirk on his lips. He looked you from the top of your head to the point of your shoes. The sound of a throat clearing made him realise he was staring. At a woman ten years younger that him. Who was his closest friend’s sister. And that was fucked up, even for him but something was attracting him to you.

~~~

Bucky was stuck in place, not believing you, of all persons, will acknowledge what happened in the summer house. He was ashamed of it, feeling like he should’ve been more responsible, not letting a 24 years old flirt with him among other things…

He was ripped from his thoughts by your brother calling his name. Clearing his throat he put on a well performed smile and moved on with his day, a part of his mind still stuck on what you’ve said.

You had a meeting with the two of them and new clients you needed to secure. You’ve changed in a suit, getting out of your wet clothes. You sat down accross from Bucky and your brothers, next to John, the CEO of a new startup. You were laughing with him, holding onto his arms while he told you what Bucky supposed was a dumb story such as everything that man did.

He knew him from college, not liking him since the start, knowing he was pulling shit just to make sure other students wouldn’t receive more success than him. And of course he had to be the CEO of this fucking startup he didn’t even want to work with.

People were still getting seated when Bucky raised to his feet abruptly. Welcome everyone, thank you for coming on such a short notice for this meeting. Let’s get to it. He let his eyes fell your hand still resting on John’s arm. When you catch him staring, you smirk, taking off slowly your hand.

The meeting was boring. John’s team was full of either incompetent people (the men) or of incredibly capable person that couldn’t even open their mouths (women). His company had a reputation on equity and how women are treated by their bosses. You were opposed to the partnership but your brother assured you that it would be beneficial for both of the companies. That’s why you rolled with it at first, but seeing now the reaction it provoked for Bucky when he saw you interact with John, you knew you could use it in your favor. Plus, John’s a dick, you’re not dumb and giving him a lesson might be great. That’s why you said

Hey John, do you want to go get something to drink later tonight? You asked with a grin, mischief in your eyes.

Hell yeah! Who am I to refuse a beautiful girl like you.

"Girl". Uh. You wanted to punch him but abstained after noticing the look on Bucky’s face.

The meeting ended quickly after that, all of you returning to your respective offices. You were working when your door opened and slammed shut behind a furious Bucky.

Barnes. What can I do for you on this beautiful afternoon? You asked with a big smile.

Cut the shit, you’re seriously think about going on a date with this asshole?

Why? Is our age gap not enough morally acceptable? The look of hurt and shame on his face made you feel triumphant, he made you suffer now is his time.

He is the same age as me. So no. It’s not moral.

As I told you last summer, I don’t give a fuck about people’s opinions. If I’m sure the person I’m seeing respects me and sees me as more than a number than I’m all in.

He flinched at the mention of this conversation. You enjoyed it. Keeping him on his toes around you.

~~~

Last summer, summer house.

The housse was full of people you either didn’t know or forgot about. Music was playing from the speakers, everyone dancing, drinking or talking. It was a great evening and yet…

What do you mean you can’t keep up with my shit anymore?! Max exclaimed at you, arms open.

No I can’t, Max! You’re always pulling shit like that… acting like- like a fucking kid!

I’m just having fun!

You’re twenty-seven! Grow up for fuck’s sake.

You need to stop acting like a coldhearted bitch! It felt like a punch, hitting you so hard you had to take a step back.

I don’t think we want the same things anymore.

So what? You’re breaking up with me?

Yes.

You’re just a fucking bitch! I can’t believe I came here with you just to get fucking dumped! You’re-

I suggest you to think really carefully about what you’re going to say next. A voice interrupted him.

Bucky was standing behind you, next to your brother, both had darkened eyes fixed on him.

You’re all fucking crazy. He muttered before exiting the room, probably to get his car to leave.

You alright, sweets? Your brother asked, putting his hand on your right shoulder.

You nodded, wiping a tears on your cheek. You didn’t cry because your heart was broken. You cried because you felt humiliated, being called slurs in front of everyone. Before any of the men could say anything you left, walking straight towards the bar to get something strong to drink.

I’m not sure that’s going to help. Bucky said, his hip against the bar.

What do you want Bucky? I’m not in the mood.

Yeah I can see that. You’ve never liked drinking before so that, he pointed to your glass, worries me. You only stared at him. Come on, he held out his hand for you to take, let’s go somewhere calmer.

You started at his hand for a few seconds. Aren’t you supposed to animate your party?

Nah, you’re brother is doing that very good by himself. He nodded to your sibling who was standing on a table, laughing.

You laughed before taking his hand and letting him lead you. He brought you to a pontoon next to the lake, where you sat and let your legs dangle in the water. You were sat close, the tissue of his jeans touching your naked thigh.

What was that about? He broke the silence, looking at the sky where stars were shining.

He used our savings to buy a DJ deck. Said it will help him get more known. We needed that money to pay the bills.

Fucking idiot.

You say it. I just… couldn’t do it anymore. Haven’t the strength in me to continue like that anymore. You put your head on his shoulder.

You’re young, you still have the time to find someone better.

I’m not that young.

Compared to me you are.

You’re thirty four. Not fifty.

He snorted, still refusing to look at you.

You wanna know what’s worse? You felt him nod. I don’t even feel bad about ending things with him. I’m just… relived.

You didn’t love him?

I thought I did. Until I knew I didn’t.

Well that makes it easier.

You scoffed. I ruined two years with him. Should’ve listened to my brother. He warned me.

You’re young. That’s why you didn’t listen to him.

Stop using my age as a excuse.

An excuse for what? You felt his shoulder tense under your head.

For lying to yourself about me.

What?

I’ve seen the way you look at me, how your knuckles turned white when you saw his hands on me. You looked up at him, he was already staring at you.

You were even closer now, feeling his breath on your cheek, seeing his irises even in the darkness. He looked down at your lips first, you did the same with his.

You shouldn’t want that.

And yet I do. And you do too. But if you want to continue lying to yourself just say no and I will be out of your hair.

You know damn well I can’t do that. He replied, maintaining eye contact.

It all happened so fast, one minute you were still staring at one another the next you were seated on his lap, his mouth on yours. You were grinding on his thighs, sounds coming from both of you. You’d never exploded so fast before, his reassuring words accompanying you, kisses on your forehead, cheeks and neck.

He held you close, kissing your forehead and looking up to the stars, your head under his chin. You could feel his heartbeat under your ear, knowing he was as touched as you were.

He brought back to your bedroom, pushed back hairs from your forehead and wished you a good night. The next morning he was gone, "a work emergency" your brother had said.

~~~

He won’t respect you.

I’m not looking for a long term relationship with John. It won’t hurt me to have some fun.

It’s dangerous.

I’m a grown ass woman, James.

Then act like it. He replied coldly.

You sighed. Is that all? If yes you can go. You returned your attention to your laptop, not even looking up at him when you heard him sigh and his steps toward the door.

~~~

Knocks interrupted your call, John was standing in your doorframe, a smile on his lips. You sat straighter, trying to get your client to hang up without sounding rude.

Do not worry, Mike. You will have the papers by Friday. Bye bye. You waited for him to hang up before turning off your phone. John, hi.

Hard day?

Long.

Ready to go?

Yes, let me just pack my stuff and bring that, you showed him a stack of papers, to Barnes and I will be all yours.

I’m coming with you, I have something to ask Barnes. He didn’t leave room for protests and led the way.

Arriving in front of the office, John didn’t even take the time to knock before opening the door and entering. You rolled your eyes before stoping immediately in your track when you catch a glimpse of Sharon siting on Bucky’s deck, right next to him, a smile on both of their lips.

Have you never heard of knocking?

I did but I didn’t think I was going to interrupt your… meeting.

Bucky eyes fell on your figure, standing behind John a frown on your face. He saw the way you shook your head, corrected your stance and walked towards his office before throwing the file on the glass of his desk.

Here is the Mayers deal. As you asked. Have a great evening. You said before exiting the room and waiting for John in the hallway.

~~~

At dinner.

John had been talking for twenty minutes non stop, venting about his studies, about his money or about the horse he recently bought.

You were sipping your second mojito, faking attention to his story when you really were thinking about Sharon on Bucky’s desk. Were they together? Was she seeing him the same way you were seeing him? Too stuck in your thoughts you didn’t hear John ask you a question.

Are you listening to me?

Yes, sorry. Got lost in my thoughts.

I was asking you if you were planing to stop working and you’ll have kids. I mean I don’t even know why I’m asking you, of course a good girl like you will.

You opened your mouth to answer but were interrupted by your phone vibing. Barnes was written on your screen, you turned off your phone, screen against the table.

Barnes uh?

What do you mean?

Well I mean the man cannot take his eyes of you. He clearly wants to fuck you.

Excuse me what the- you stopped, feeling warmth behind you. You turned around to find Bucky standing, wearing a long dark jacket. Barnes, what are you doing here?

He narrowed his eyes at John before looking at you. Your brother had a accident, he is at the hospital.

What do you mean, he had an accident?

I will explain to you in the car, come on we gotta go. He took your jacket in his hands, waiting for you.

I’m sorry John, I will pay you back my part the next I’ll see you. I have to go. You followed Bucky outside, climbing in his luxurious car and take a deep breath. What happened?

You know how he likes to come to the office by bike?

Yeah, his doctor told him he needed to make some physical exercises.

Well the idiot didn’t see a car coming on his right, he ended up on the hood of said car.

Is he ok?

They’re doing exams, he might have a concussion and some broken bones.

Fuck. You put your head in your hand, rubbing your eyes. You felt his hand on your knee, a reassuring feeling in this moment.

He is going to be ok.

Why is he so fucking intelligent in business and yet so dumb in everyday life?

Don’t ask me, I wonder the same.

When you arrived at the hospital, Bucky went to the counter to get news about your brother. You stand next to him, feeling like your legs were made of jelly. You were told to wait in the waiting room since they were still doing exams on him. So you did, siting next to Bucky, waiting patiently for your idiot of a brother to be finished.

You were called after one hour, the nurse coming to get you. When you arrived in the hospital room, your brother was laying in a bed, bruises could be seen on his exposed skin.

Oh hi guys, you’re here! Look, he called your name, I have a new bracelet.

I prefer to warn you, he is high as a kite. We had to give him something for his broken ribs. The nurse told you before leaving the room.

You came closer before hitting him slightly on the arm making him yelp. How many times do I have to tell you to look around you when you’re on a fucking bike! You scared us.

Us? He asked. Oh Bucky, you’re here too! He finally noticed his best friend who was standing close to you. Wow. If I didn’t knew you I would’ve believed you guys were together. And he bursted laughing as if he had said the funniest thing ever.

Your idiocy interrupted her date. It was his turn to be hit by you. Ouch. He intercepted your hand in his, keeping it there.

A date? Your brother frowned. With who?

Walker.

Oh no dude! That man is a dick!

Then why are we working with him?

Because he has good ideas.

No he does not. Bucky replied.

Can we get out of here?

Sorry bud, they want to keep you tonight to make sure everything is okay in there. You tapped with your finger on his head.

Fuck…

Anyway I need to go fill some paperwork at the front desk for you. I can trust you to be on your best behaviour tonight?

Yes, boss!

Go ahead, I will meet you there. Bucky told you, staying close to your brother, you nodded and walked out of the room.

Can you stay with her tonight? I don’t like the idea of her being alone.

Yeah. Of course.

Thank you, Buck. I love you man.

Love you too bud.

~~~

You were back in his car since he was supposed to bring you back to your apartment. None of you talked since you left the hospital a strange atmosphere weighting on the both of you. When you noticed he didn’t take the road that led to your apartment you frowned.

Where are we going?

At my place. I don’t want you to stay alone tonight.

I’m fine, Barnes. He is not dying. I can go home. You looked at him, his gaze still on the road.

I really would prefer that you come with me.

Fine.

You took the time to look at Bucky’s figure, his face, the way his fingers were wrapped around the wheel. He catch you staring and you didn’t even feel ashamed. You never hid your attraction to him, he was well aware of it.

Don’t do that. He warned.

Don’t do what?

Looking at me like that. I know what that means.

And what does it mean?

You’re bad news. He replied, parking the car.

I don’t know what you’re talking about. You left the car walking towards the front door of his building.

~~~

You woke up in a room that wasn’t yours, pearls of sweat on your forehead from your nightmare. You sighed, passing your hand in your hair, looking at the window.

After a while you decided to get up, wanting to get a glass of water. When you arrived in the living room, you’ve met with the sight of Bucky wearing a tank top, his metal arm shining under the lights. He was on the phone, talking about numbers and deadline. Of course he was working at two am. That man was a work addict.

He noticed you standing at the doorframe. Listen I have to go. We will talk the next time you come in the city. Bye.

Hi. You walked in the room, coming closer.

Can’t sleep?

Nightmare. What are you doing up working at this hour?

Can’t sleep. He tensed when you sat next to him. We’re not doing that.

Doing what? You asked, faking innocence and batting your eyebrows at him.

I won’t sleep with you. He stood up, putting distance between you.

You’re trying to convince yourself? You asked, bringing your naked legs close to you.

You’re bad news.

You’ve already said that and yet it happened last summer.

Last summer shouldn’t have happened. You were sad, tipsy if not drunk and I shouldn’t have let you to that.

Don’t do that. Don’t feel guilty about it. I don’t. I wasn’t drunk nor sad. It was a moment between two consenting adults. I do not regret it. You said, getting up and getting closer to him, almost entering his personal space.

Still, I’m older than you. I should have been more responsible.

Stop with that! You raised your voice. You’re ten years older than me, I know it and I don’t give a fuck! I’m twenty-five, Bucky. Not eighteen. I am capable of making my own choices and understanding their consequences.

What about your brother? Did you think about what he would say if he knew about what happened that night?

He knows. When you see Bucky staring at you with tension you had to explain. He saw you coming out of my room. He asked me questions I answered. No I did not give him the details.

Why did he never say anything?

Because I asked him not to. I knew you were freaking out already, didn’t want to make you more tense.

Fuck… He passed a hand on his face. I’m a bad friend. He muttered.

No you’re not. You’re just persuaded that you have to protect everyone around you from yourself and the world. I don’t need you to protect me. I can do it for myself. This is not what I need from you.

And what do you need exactly? He stepped closer to you, making you step back. You need me to fuck you? Like you mean nothing? Like your just one of those girls I meet and never call back? Your back hit the wall, Bucky stepping even closer, you had to look up to see his face. You nodded. Oh sweetheart, he caress your cheek with a trembling hand. I can’t give you what you need because you’re not like any of them.

You were staring at each other, your chests heavy. It was the first time he admitted something like that out loud.

I- you were interrupted by his phone ringing.

He took it out of his pocket, watching the screen. You could see Sharon’s name on it, he look at you one last time before picking up and stepping back.

Sharon? Are you ok? Stay where you are, I’m coming. He went to get his jacket and left you alone in his apartment.

It felt like a slap. Being shut down like that . Of course he was going to leave everything for Sharon. She was age appropriate, pretty and intelligent. She already had a successful career that no one gave to her on a silver plate. He didn’t even look at you before leaving. No explanation. So you did the same. Packing up your stuff and leaving his apartment.

~~~

The next Monday.

Your brother came back to work after a few days off. You hadn’t spoke to Bucky since that night, he didn’t try to call you you didn’t either. Radio silence.

This morning you had a meeting with John and his team. Bucky was going to be here too. You entered the room, finding an empty seat next to John and got installed.

Hi honey. How are you doing? He asked, putting his hand on yours.

You frowned, not thinking you were that close already. You faked a smile before taking back your hand and putting it on your laps.

Bucky was staring at you, at the place in the table where your hand had met John’s. You didn’t even look at him for a second, acting like he did not exist.

Sharon got up to talk. As an announcement of our partnership we decided to organise a gala. People from our companies will be able to meet, discuss and that way we will make sure our teams can work together. The press will be there too with other important people like politician. You are all invited, please dress accordingly.

That’s all for today. Thank you.

You exited the room at the same time as John who grabbed your wrist.

Wanna go to this gala together? We will make a power couple.

You saw Bucky exiting the room too. Yes of course let’s go together.

Perfect! I’ll pick you up at 8 then.

You left before you could see Bucky’s face, if looks could kill, John would be dead.

The week was long. The Mayers deal was not going as planned, John wouldn’t let you have one day without coming to see you. Every time he was there you had to make sure his ego was not insulted. It was a shitty week. You got locked up in front of your door, your key forgotten on the coffee table. It had been raining the whole week, you car broke down and you had to take the bus which wasn’t regular, your team was not following any of the instructions you gave them.

On top of that Bucky and Sharon were getting closer everyday, eating together, laughing and working on files together. You didn’t understand what happened, a few days ago you were pressed against a wall of his apartment, him saying that you were different to not even talking anymore.

It was a shit week and it ended with this big gala thing you didn’t even want to go to. You knew they were going to go together and you didn’t have the strength to watch them act all lovers.

You were currently binge watching Modern Family, laying on your couch a glass of wine in the hand. A knock on your door made you get up, walking towards the door and opening it.

Hi I have a delivery. Here you are. The delivery man gave you a big box and left.

Putting it on your coffee table, you open it to find a beautiful dress folded with care. A card was placed on the top, it wasn’t signed but you could only expect it was coming from John. It was beautiful, of course you were going to put it on.

~~~

The night of the gala.

You were wearing the dress. A beautiful gown making you feel like a princess. You got a call from John saying he was downstairs waiting for you. You went to meet him at the front door and saw him standing against the wall on his phone, looking bored.

Hi.

Finally! Let’s get going if we want to have something to eat. He said without really looking at you.

He opened the door of the car for you and climbed after you. The drive was a short one, he didn’t talk to you at all exiting immediately the car without looking at you.

Fucking asshole. You muttered before putting on a smile and climbing out of the car.

He held out his arm for you to take, which you did and walk inside the building. There were so many people, all your colleagues and John’s but also politicians and journalists. You knew this event was kinda a big deal, your company being one of the most profitable on the market and John’s being the startup everyone couldn’t shut up about. Still, you were surprised that so many people decided to come. Must be for the free food.

Your brother came to find you, frowning at John when he wasn’t looking as if to say "what the hell". You shook your head, looking around you before feeling the tension in the air change. When you directed your eyes back toward your brother you found Bucky and Sharon looking cosy as ever next to him. His stare was already on you. You tense around John’s arm.

That’s a beautiful evening, Sharon. You began, needing to say something nice to her to ease the tension.

Thank you so much. She replied with a smile. Your dress is beautiful.

Isn’t it? John said before you could thank her. What do you think Barnes?

You were going to smack him. But before you could act on your thoughts Bucky was already answering.

Yes, that is truly a beautiful dress. He replied, something else in his eyes.

You stopped trying to read him after last time, but you could only expect this glint of something to be boredom, shame or disappointment. You shook your head before telling them you were going to get something to drink.

You couldn’t ignore the pain you were currently in at the sight of them together. It was stupid fucking crush. At first. And then it became so much more, it got out of hand and Max was supposed to be the person that could replace Bucky. And yet…

It was never going to work between you. You have to make peace with that. And you knew only one way that could work efficiently at least just for the night. At the bar you asked for a shot of tequila, knowing half of your colleagues were either too drunk to care or too occupied in their conversation to even look at you.

Well you surely know how to take a shot. John’s voice interrupted your self loathing speech. Wanna walk around and show the room we’re better than them?

Uh… yeah, why not. You took his hand and let him lead you around.

He stopped every time he saw someone that could be useful to him, not always introducing you and half of the time not even acknowledging you. When he had seen everyone he wanted to talk to, he turned around with a smirk and look at you from head to toe, not even hiding his lust.

What do you about getting out of here? Somewhere just the two of us?

Listen John… I don’t that this, you gestured to the two of you, will work. I mean I’m really grateful for the dress but… Maybe we should part way for tonight.

What are you talking about? Come on baby I know you want me. He grabbed your forearm. Come with me.

John. Let me go.

No. You owe me one now come on. He was pulling at your arm, wanting to get you to follow him.

Let her go Walker.

And here he comes the saviour. Leave, Barnes. It isn’t about you.

She told you to let her go. He stepped closer to him, the point of his shoes hitting John’s.

I can’t believe it. He let go of your arm. You’re jealous aren’t you? You can’t have her so you’re pissed because someone else can.

Stop it. The both of you. You stepped closer to John, placing your mouth right next to his ear. You better leave right now if you don’t want me to make sure everybody here knows how you really are. In a room full of journalists and politicians.

You stepped back before leaving them, walking towards one of the empty room.

I’m gonna ruin your career John. Bucky said to him before following you, face closed.

He entered the room you walked in, and here you were looking through the window.

What the hell did you have in mind? He spat out to you. I told you we couldn’t trust him!

Oh shut up Bucky. You replied, not even looking back at him.

You’re always acting like a fucking brat!

Why do you even care? It’s not like you want anything to do with me.

What? Where does that come from?

You’re with Sharon. I don’t think she would appreciate you being alone in a room with me. You should go back to the party.

He called out your name.

No. I’m done Bucky. I’m done hoping, I’m done running after in hope that you’ll give me something you clearly don’t have. You wiped tears from your cheeks.

I… When the man saw you weren’t going to turn around he sighed, resigned and walked away, leaving you in this room alone with a broken heart.

~~~

It took you twenty minutes to gather your thoughts and stop the flow of tears. Your eyes were read and puffy, your mascara smudged around you eyes. You decided you had to go back to the party, at least to say goodbye to your brother.

When you entered the room, you saw Sharon at the bar, alone. You walked to her.

Are you okay? She asked at the sight of your eyes.

Yeah, don’t worry it’s just… don’t worry. You assured.

She nodded. Well you are the second person to not feel well tonight. I hope it’s not going to spread to the guests.

What do you mean? You turned your head to her.

Bucky just left. He didn’t say anything but I mean it was clear he wasn’t ok.

He left you alone?

Oh yeah, I told him he should go home when he asked me if I needed him to stay. My wife is coming after all. She added with a grin.

Your… Your wife?

Yes. Oh, you didn’t know? I got married last summer. Her name is Natasha, she is a lawyer. I met her thanks to Bucky.

So you and Bucky are not…

Oh no! He was just helping me for my gift to Natasha. There is really nothing going on between us. She looked down to your dress. I even helped him chose this. She nodded to your dress.

Bucky… Did he buy me this dress?

You didn’t know? She seemed surprised.

No, I-… I have to go. You apologised to her and almost ran towards the exit. You met your brother on the road and one look at you had him smiling.

Go get him. He nodded.

~~~

You were fully running now. As soon as the car stopped you were out, only stopping because of the front door. You made the code and as soon as you heard the buzz you were in, running in the stairs to his door.

You knock on the wood, hoping he came home. He opened the door and you could see him flinch when he realised you were there. You pushed past him and entered the apartment.

Did you buy this dress? You asked, chest rising.

He nodded, dark circles under his eyes. You took in his apparence. He was still in his suit, bow tie discarded and the first buttons of his shirt open. There was a glass of whiskey on his coffee table.

Last summer, when you left, did you leave because of what happened between us or did you leave to go Sharon and Natasha’s wedding? You could feel the burning sensation in your eyes. Answer me.

Both.

I’m going to ask you something and I want you to be honest. Without using any excuses. You took a deep breath. Why do you… why do you keep acting like you don’t love me when you do?

That made him crack. You could see the exact moment you crossed the last walls separating you to him. it’s like his knees gave up, letting him fall on the couch, his head in his hands.

Bucky. Answer me.

He shook his head, the sound of sniffling breaking your heart.

You came closer to him, sitting on your knees right besides him. I have loved you since I met you. You began, hands trembling. I tried to ignore it but… It never went away. And I don’t think it ever will. I think you feel the same. You saw him tense. Now if you ask me to leave, I will and I will never bring any of that up again. I swear. But you need to answer me. I deserve those answers.

I’m… I’m your boss. I’m in a position of power. I’m older than you.

That is not what I asked.

Well that’s something you should care about!

Bucky do you love me, yes or no?

Yes I do! He screamed, raising up to his feet. I did for the past three years! I accepted that it will not go away and I live with it. I refuse to cross this line with you.

Why?

Because it’s wrong! Because it looks like I’m taking advantage of you! Because I’ve never felt this way before and it fucking terrifies me! He saw you flinch. You deserve so much better than me. You deserve someone your age, who is not a fucking work addict, who knows how to communicate, how to express his feelings.

I tried being with someone like that. It didn’t work. You paused. It didn’t work because he wasn’t you Bucky. I look for you in every person I meet.

You think I don’t? You’re intoxicating. Always lurking in a corner of my mind. It feels like a curse! Like I’m condemned to feel that way until my last breath. Unfulfilled.

After a few seconds of silence you spoke. Tell me to leave and I’ll leave.

He called out your name with a shaky voice, pleading.

Tell. Me. To. Leave. You approached him, chest rising. Come on.

Exactly like the first time, it happened so quickly you didn’t have time to realise what was happening. He backed you against the wall, hands at each sides of your head. He was furious. Not at you but at himself. He wanted to protect you and ended up hurting you. You had tears in your eyes, the one you held in during the evening. When one escaped your eyes, he wiped it away, leaving his hand on your right cheek.

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. He put his forehead on yours. I thought I was doing the right thing, keeping you away from me. I really believed you were going to be over me in no time.

Are you?

No. He laughed darkly. I don’t think I will ever be over you. You’re a poison running through my veins. It won’t go away. But you’re young and talented and basically everything. You deserve so much better than an old man like me.

You’re-

I am.

I have thought about that since I met you, Bucky. There is nothing I haven’t already thought about. I know what a relationship with you implies and I’m down for it.

I’m your boss.

So I’ll quit.

No. He shook his head. See that’s exactly why I don’t want to go further. You’ll be the one making most sacrifices. I can’t ask you to do that.

You’re not asking me to do anything, Bucky. I want to be with you.

I am a coward when it comes to you. He admitted, closing his eyes as if he was falling back in himself.

I know.

All it took was your hand on his chest to make him lose it. His lips were on yours, a kiss burning away all doubts and fears. He is yours as much as you are his. It always have been like that and it will always be.

He grabbed you by the waist, carrying you toward his bedroom, you raised your legs around his waist, not breaking apart. He deposed you on his bed, looking down at you with anxiety building in the pit of his stomach.

I’m scared of ruining you. He whispered, you almost didn’t hear it.

You took his hand in yours and pulled him towards you, making him fall on the mattress. You climbed on top of him, keeping his hands in yours.

I am not fragile, Bucky. You don’t need to protect me. Not from you. I love you. It’s real. You reassured him, thumb caressing the top of his hand.

You brought your lips back to his, making sure he understood the weight and the meaning of your words.

~~~

You were laying in his bed, his arms wrapped around and his naked chest on your bare back. He was holding you close, kissing your shoulder.

I love you. He whispered, not sure you weren’t already sleeping.

I love you too. You turned around in his arms. Although you have to go to a therapist.

I know. I will get an appointment.

Good. Can’t have your head messing with you.

He fought all he could against the attraction he felt toward you, in vain. You were his redemption, his safe haven, someone he could trust and be himself with. Like a curse you were everything for him, defining his life.

#bucky barnes #bucky x you #marvel #marvel mcu #fanfic #fluff #bucky fluff #bucky x reader #angst with a happy ending #bbf!bucky #older!bucky #winter soldier #agegap #angst #dbf!bucky #x reader #female reader

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on-tracks-and-playlists · 8 months ago

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Seventeen as F1 drivers I grew up watching….

S.coups. Max verstappen

There's just something about S.coups' and Max's aura that gives ✨MAJESTIC✨. I have NEVER seen a bigger pet dad than these two. You know how Max broke the wooden door of his storeroom because his cat was stuck inside and he couldn't open it from outside, I bet Seungcheol will pull some similar kind of shit if it's for Kumma. One thing that just makes sense about both of them- GIRL DAD- we already have a glimpse of girl-dad Max when he takes care of Penelope but I love how Caratland has collectively announced that Seungcheol IS A GIRL DAD. Both of them have their own principles but will not follow the instructions given if anything crosses them. They are both the type you would benefit from not having a beef with, 'cause they are difficult to handle when triggered. I don't know why the internet just keeps on bashing Seungcheol and Max as the scariest and most emotionally unavailable person, when they are the pookiest bears u will ever meet- like how Max reassured Lando that he is capable of bigger things everytime Lando doubts himself and how Seungcheol always guides his members through the tough times seventeen has had. They care and sympathise for those they cherish.

Jeonghan. Nico Rosberg

Britanny Spear. Goldilocks. Rapunzel… Whoever is known for their luscious golden locks… Add these two to the list. One tributing to seventeen other to formula one. The funny thing is, despite the fans absolutely adoring the look on Jeonghan, he doesn't like having long hair because of how high maintenance it is and it troubles while performing… just the same way Nico doesn't appreciate being called Britney because, well it's self-explanatory ig. Being the leader of the tiredz line I think Jeonghan always searches for the easiest and fastest way to get the job done… And once done he will not waste a second to go back home. This behavior of Jeonghan is giving the same energy as how Nico won his first (and only) drivers' championship, got his name written in the history of world champions, and retired...for the comfort of his family. Always stirring drama, we all know how Jeonghan is famous for creating chaos and drama within seventeen, and ever since Nico became an f1 reporter (or commentator idk the word for it) I think he's been doing the same, stirring drama.... interviewing Lewis in Spain the very circuit the famous brocedes crashed will forever be gold to me... him taking selfie in front of Lewis' garage to give him the "Rosberg curse"... Yeah I miss both my blonde icons 😭😭

Joshua Sebastian Vettel

40% Kind, 30% flirt, 80%patience, 50%Maniac... (they are both twice the man anyone can ever be) Joshua and Sebastian are both the definition of kids well raised… The gentlemen of the group always take care of others. Making sure everyone is comfortable and comforted, they will make sure the grid and members are well fed. The gentlemen who protects the ladies and ends up rizzing them. The gentlemen who acts innocent knowing very well they have the rizz to charm the person in front, and have succeeded in doing so. Istg both of them are such big flirts…. if they are not being straight while flirting they are being gay and flirting with men. Both of them give the energy of cool uncles you would love to spend your summer break with… but your parents are kinda scared to leave you with them; not because they don't trust Josh and Sebastian but because of all the shenanigans that will go down while you are together. Well most accurate of it all is the crazy chaotic side they share, and I know I don't need to explain this to yall… My baby boos no body hurt them istg I WILL throw hands…. They are both very dear to me. Everyone is a Seb Vettel fan, even if you think you are not, you are a Seb Vettel fan. and I think the same for our gentle sexy Josh, you just can't come close to disliking him let alone hate... and if you do, you should cease to exist.

Jun. Alex Albon

Georgie Pooh's best friend. They are both goofballs that everyone absolutely adores. You trouble them and their bf (George and Minghao) are ready to wrestle you down. Have the most innocent face and smile in the group, but don't be fooled by the looks they are both just hidden menaces in disguise sometimes. The most random person you would ever come to know... people might argue that Hoshi and Lando are much more random... and I agree, yes they are, but it's how we expect them to be random that makes it less random almost as if we are anticipating that from Lando and Hoshi but with Jun and Alex it nearly fun cause we DO NOT expect that. WE DO NOT expect a 26-year-old Jun to just randomly come over and start mimicking an old lady in the middle of someone else's conversation. WE DO NOT EXPECT 27-year-old Alex to (try to) make the hardest track and just end up drawing a snail on the paper AND name the track RAIL THE SNAIL. It's just this randomness that makes them funny for me. Physically I don't think either of them can hurt a fly, but mentally, oh boy they will leave a scar on you by their sarcastic choice of words. All in all, you just can't NOT LIKE either of them.

Hoshi. Lando Norris

Literal ChAOs of the pack. Hoshi comes with a 'HANDLE WITH CARE' label on himself, just like Lando. You never know when their hyperactive mode will turn on. They need a lot of love and care to function properly. GIVE! THEM! ATTENTION! IT DOESN'T MATTER IF U ARE OLDER THAN THEM OR NOT. As I mentioned above RANDOM AS HELL. If it feels right they will say and do THE MOST RANDOM stuff, completely out of context…(que to Lando randomly blurting ✨B U N D A✨ in that one interview). Do you remember that one interview where Hoshi says 'I buy all, I eat all and then I regret all' THAT IS LANDO. I feel like they are both the type to not listen to you while you are instructing them to not do something hazardous, and then blame you for not stopping or warning them after the deed's done. If F1 had its own BSS...lando would definately be a part of it. On the contrary to this, their professional selves are very competitive and intimidating. Both Lando and Hoshi are very result oriented and mostly tend to be a little tough on themselves, and resultingly also towards people around them.

Wonwoo. Oscar piastri

We have two calm cuties in the building here, both of them radiating cat energy. They will very diligently serve the polite cat face. Lowkey hilarious. Both of them have such a dry sense of humor it is exactly my type. They have a very high intellect and definitely a big thesaurus. Oscar is always out there helping Lando's dyslexic ass figure out words he cant pronounce or spell and then we have Kim Mingyu, mentioning in that going seventeen episode of insomnia, that Wonwoo uses smartass words. In my eyes, it's the introvert in them, that finds it difficult to be able to express themselves. But once with the correct person/ people, oh boy there's no stopping them. Wonwoo and Oscar both have a very mysterious vibe to them which is... well very attractive. AND I cant exaggerate enough how cute they both are.

Woozi. Lewis Hamilton

The GREATEST OF ALL TIMES. There's a reason why we call Woozi the god of music, and that's because of his unbeatable records and talents in his career, just like Sir Hamilton. They both started young and are here to stay long and honestly, they achieved the point at where they will stay forever in the names of K-pop and F1. They both have a very dedicated and fun approach towards their carrer. One thing I can not exaggerate enough is how both Woozi and Lewis laugh gives me comfort. It's just how freely they laugh out loud, full HAHAHA, is special to me. Both of them are very well secure in themselves and know the impact they have. I love my short kings.

The8. George Russell

As I said above… Alobono's bestie. Material gworl. THE MEME. Both of them are crazy. 🤩CRAZY🤪. Personally, they both seem to be the types to judge their peers, for quite a long time… And then join the shenanigans… Although they act questionable too they just brush it off (or at least try to) by being cool. They are ✨SASSY✨ and that's a F A C T. It's beautiful how they always keep their fans in mind and have the most adorable and iconic moments with them. Like George's interaction with the little Singapore fan wearing the George T-pose shirt and this interaction in Singapore again and we can not forget that fan call with Myungho where the carat showed him a gaint frog and he just was surprised, shocked and trying not to laugh. Both of them have a beautiful taste in fashion. Old Money. Georg as your Old Money CEO vibes and the8 as your Old Money Mafia vibe(your view might be different idk). Their face economy is high on the scale. Literal definition of angel face demonic acts. George is our "chiseled angel" and Myungho is our "Chinese prince".

Mingyu. Oliver Bearman

Big baby trapped in an even bigger body. We all know that Mingyu is famous for being a muscular beanpole, but Ollie is also a handsome lampost, like 185 cm for the driver, no jokes. If golden retriever was a person it would be them, both of them hold their hearts on the sleeves. Very, and I say, very optimistic with their surroundings. They have a very play full personality, which I am hoping to see more from Oliver in Haas. Collecting fans left and right, everywhere they go. Mingyu absolutely basks in the fame and love his fans shower and I can see Oliver absorbing the adoration he receives, not just from his grid parents but from the whole F1 community. They are beautifully loved and it just shows in how well they treat their fans and people around them. I love the family dynamics in the Kim family and the Bearman family. There is love, comfort, mischief and a lot of support for their son's career. Highlight of it all would be Ollie's dad worried over his 18-year-old son's debut f1 race. They have both the best performance duality, one second u will see Mingoo and Ollie, and the moment you blink, boom, Kim Mingyu slaying the stage and Oliver Bearman showing no mercy in the race.

Dk. Daniel Riccardo

Big eyes, big nose, big smile, big personality. Danny will deffo be pt. 2 of BSS. These two are everybody's fantasy man. Honestly (pls don't come at me for saying this) I am neither a DK bias nor is Danielle my fav driver, but, they just have the kind of personality that draws you in and makes you want to know more about them. And then you fall in love with them and there's no undo for both of them once you fall. Always loud. Fucking loud. Everything they do is LOUD. But they are never loud alone, they always have a companion in their shenanigans. The sunshine. The happy virus. The energy boost of the group. But they come with their own hardships which usually go unnoticed. Even with the insane vocals DK usually struggles while recording and starts questioning his choice of career (ngl I kinda find it funny sometimes, not like I am laughing tho, it must be difficult for them), and well Danny has had a fare share in difficult times with his career. It's crazy how a lot of people just forget that they are insanely handsome just because they are super goofy. I think it for the better to stay this way cause if the people were to find their beauty, it would be the end of the world.

Seungkwan. Carlos Sainz Jr

For sure BSS part 3 will be Carlos. Social butterfly, is literally besties with everyone, everywhere. What makes it better is that Seungkwan and Carlos both, just adapt to the people around them, never letting them feel alone and always having a welcoming smile… we can't forget how Papa Sainz adopts the drivers just like Seungkwan adopting younger idols. ends up resorting to violence if things don't go their way, i.e. Seungkwan's famous flying kick sent Hoshi's way and Carlos pushing Charles and Lando off the chair every time during the team challenges. You can catch them anywhere, one moment you will see Carlos racing and you open Twitter to find him giving the trophies to Moto GP winners with his father, the same as SeungKwan is on every show you can think of co-hosting, as a mentor or just for promotion. If elegance met chaos it would be Carlos and Seungkwan. they are both very well celebrated and idolised in their domain; both well celebrated in Spain and Jeju respectively.

Vernon. Fernando Alonso

What I think is fascinatingly alike in both of them is that neither act their age. They are mentally in their preeteen(probably younger for vernon, coz he a baby) and it is very visible in how seventeen treats and Pampers Vernon and Alonso's little banters on the team radio (which I absolutely love btw). Hopefully both of them remain youthful forever. No thoughts head empty just thinking about vernon in going seventeen episodes and aonso in post race interviews. How they keep their faces straight most of the time while doing the randomest thingsHalf of the time they are just wondering wtf is wrong with the team and the other time they are confused why they even get involved in the weird team antics, ALL THE WHILE FULLY BEING PRESENT IN THE TEAM DRAMA. DW they love their team, ig. Alonso's little dancey dance celebration for race wins when he was with Renault reminds me of Vernon's clap freestyle dance breaks during concerts, totally random but completely their style. Vernon did a lot of side quests before becoming seventeen just like alonso when he took a break from F1 by joining rally…. And let's not forget they will both be amazing Gen z social media influencers.

Dino. Franco Colapinto

When I see these two I see youth and talent… One is the future of K-pop and the other one, I can definitely see being the future of Formula One… it's been only a few races Franco has been on the grid and I can see him being very dedicated towards his team and his performance. The slightest mistake and he will be pushing himself through for not being better, unsatisfied with his output. Exactly how Dino pushes himself to the limits and beyond, he would do anything to keep his team in the best spirits. It breaks my heart to see them being upset OR unsatisfied with the performance when they couldn't have served better. Both my youngsters have a very sassy humor. Dino has opted to this as a coping mechanism towards his 12 hyungs, well franco I find really funny during post race interviews like this interview where he called the alpines 'FRENCHS' cause he was salty they stole his well deserved fasted lap. ✨PURE GOLD✨. I am always looking forward to them serving on stage and on track, they never disappoint fr.

SPECIAL MENTION (I was just lowkey conflicted while choosing the matches for members and I feel like I need to mention these two because they are equally accurate i feel) KIM MINGYU AS CHARLES LECLERC

THE person everyone wants...Golden Boy who is loved by everyone... literally everyone's fav, and also the person with the weirdest luck... a tad bit too optimistic with their surroundings I feel... debuted with insane talent but got famous for their insane visuals first, talent second. another hyperactive personality duo of svt and f1.

WOOZI AS YUKI TSUNODA

Pocket sized. Little fierce devil in the guise of a cute hamster. They are known for their sharp use of vocabulary ones during lyrics writing and others on the radio. there's this little mischievous kid in them that always stays well kept but manages to pop out eventually. has that one most famous ship (yukierre and soonhoon).

a/n: I swear to God it has been in my drafts for a painfully long time. I tried to keep it as close to their personalities as I could find. I hope you guys enjoyed it any asks or recommendations are open <(●'◡'●)

tag list(open) @ssentimentals @magical-oppas

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ophiotartarus · 5 months ago

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the untapped potential for supernatural / locked tomb au crossovers is gently smothering me in my sleep!!!!

i mean apart from the fact that point blank Dean and Gideon fulfill the same archetype in their respective stories, the mystery and gruesome magic of each world brings out a different kind of sandbox for the other to play in! like okay

an spn!au where emotionally unavailable himbo Gideon and reticent college dropout Harrow reconnect after a fraught childhood together to track down the demon that burned their town (Harrow's parents were infertile and made a deal with a crossroads demon that killed 200 people)

or Harrow is stuck living through different aus and has to figure out a way to stop the trickster god that's causing it

or ghosthunting worsties Ianthe and Gideon occasionally ask for information from a vindictive demon with her own agenda but both have been developing a crush on her it's getting kind of ridiculous AKA they call on Harrow at the same time and she has to stage an intervention

OR THE INVERSE!!

a cav!Dean necro!Sam au where they hunt the evil spirits that come up from the river to possess 8th house cavaliers

or lyctor!Castiel at caanan house falling for dean and telling him not to sacrifice himself to become something he deeply regrets – possibly playing the role of Cythrea here and killing multiple innocents to try and stop anyone from ascending but maybe he gains a little too much of a conscience in his short time there

or a BOE au where the brothers storm the mithraeum only to find out John (!!), the emperor undying, is their father... thinking specifically about of the soulless!Sam and Kiriona parallels !!!!

like there's been ghosthunting aus in the tlt tag but i cannot find one single sincere crossover on a03 and i need somebody fix this! the potential!! aaahhh!!!!

#supernatural #spn #tlt #the locked tomb #this is entirely my fault for rewatching supernatural wilst being afflicted by tlt brainrot tbh #but also like ? i mean what i said about lesbians who loved dean winchester are Gideon Thinkers now!!!!#this is such a self indulgent merger but i cannot get it off my minddddd!!#ugh right up there with the soul eater aus i want that no one seems to be writing :(#hi

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walk-to-gallows · 8 months ago

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Mary was too much. The show spent to much time in the past they didn’t need to drag Mary back into their lives for MORE FAMILY DRAMA. There were so many options for Amara to grant Dean some wish or some desire that he wanted there was no reason to dig into his rat nest of a life and drag Mary from heaven as some gift to Dean. To me that was as bad as 11 or 12 seasons later we had to put up with meeting Sam’s imaginary friend. They didn’t ring us dry of Sam pity enough? Do we need something more weird from his life to ring the tears from us?

While I didn’t sit at home hating or blogging about her in some crazy negative way. I think I only made one post about her right after she appeared but I was happy to see her go.

Yeah, you're getting the full rant; Mary was a reclamation.

Like most horror media, Supernatural has a bad habit of fridging its female characters to give its male characters a fighting reason. Up until her resurrection, Mary was only present in the past, she was just a memory rather than a person, the perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect woman because she was dead.

Of course killing off a family member is a customary trick of the trade, it’s strong stuff for motivating your characters, but when your pilot opens with not one, but two female characters being killed for the sake of their male partners arc, there’s a problem there.

Mary’s return is important for many reasons. Her presence parallels Jack’s, the ghost of the past and the hope of the future, the undead and the newly born. She represents autonomy being given to women in horror, like Kelly Kline, these women aren’t just hills for men to die on anymore.

Mary is the beginning, she’s the start of it all. Her return was hardly heralded in a way that made us expect her, but she’s not a random prize. Mary’s death has been the catalyst of Sam and Dean’s entire life, and as they move on to the future, there’s a need for them to reconcile with the past, especially with Jack’s introduction.

From this ask and your next, I'm guessing you're much more a fan of Dean than Sam, and I won't lie, my preferences lie that way too, but I fear that you're letting your biases cloud your judgement.

Mary's return has much more to do with Dean than Sam, Dean was four when Mary died, he actually remembers her. Her return spurs a whole new arc for him where he has to come to terms with her absence in his life and the glorified version of her that he grew up with as a result of his young age, Dean feels abandoned by his mother both in the past and in the present.

And once again, with Jack's introduction and Dean's role as one of his parents, there's more for Dean to move through. Dean was incredibly involved in Sam's childhood, and yet now when he's an adult he find himself often emotionally unavailable like his own father was once.

Not to mention, Sam and Dean's lives have been tightly intertwined beyond what is normal for most siblings, they've spent years apart, but they've often only had each other to rely on. Most things that concern one of them will also concern the other. Yes, Mary's return gives Sam a chance to know his mother the way he was never able to, but it also gives Dean the opportunity to reconcile with his childhood, to say things to his mother he never thought he'd be able to say, to resolve a part of his life that has been an open, festering wound.

Dean lost his father to hunting, it's something he struggles to reconcile with (which is why 14x13 is so important but that's another rant). It's part of the reason he's defensive of Sam's criticism of John, because Dean remembers a time when John was attentive and gentle, and not the soldier he regressed to.

In season 1, we see Sam learn that side of John, the part of him that put away money into a college fund for his boys, that hoped for a future free from bloodshed, and he comes to terms with the loss of a father he had never gotten the chance to know.

This is what Dean gets with Mary, the chance to know his mother as she was, as a person and an individual. The resentment that Sam carried for John is comparable to that which Dean carries for Mary, it's a one-dimensional view of their parents, anger at what they weren't just as much as what they were. Dean blames Mary for his childhood, and while I don't think the culpability rests on her, it is that unresolved anger that brings his mother back to him.

Mary gets a second chance at life, Dean gets a second chance with his mother, and he brings her back to him. I really find it difficult to understand how so many people dismiss this plot line, because not only does it parallel the way Sam and Dean slowly lost their father to the hunting life, it is a direct result of Dean's lingering anger and grief that makes Mary their mother again. She avoids them, throws herself back into hunting because it's what's familiar in this world that has aged beyond her, and the guilt of seeing her boys, who have grown despite her absence, is too much to bear. Dean forces her past this guilt, he allows her to forgive herself because he hates her for being gone, but he loves her too, and her knowing that her absence now counts as much as her absence then is what changes everything.

The character writing in supernatural is something that can be so good, I hate to see the hate-train on Mary coming at full speed because she didn't live up to audience expectations (never mind that those expectations were based on snapshots of her from her grieving husband and sons, or the younger and "innocent" version of her). Anyway, you're free to dislike Mary, at the end of the day my opinion is my opinion and yours is your own, but the fact of the matter is that Mary's return was incredibly significant for the overall plot, and Dean's character arc and growth.

#they can never make me hate you mary winchester #can i call this spn meta #spn meta #that crazy moment when life imitates art #john and mary's relationships with their sons are my fav topic #enough with the abuser caricature #that's boring and i hate it #let's realistically discuss the ways john and mary failed as parents pls #that's like half of the tragedy #mary winchester #john winchester #dean winchester #sam winchester #the winchester brothers #supernatural #spn

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soul-wanderer · 3 months ago

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I'm beginning to think that those who outright hate Callie have either never been teenagers/don't remember being teenagers or at the very least must have had a very sheltered upbringing without any significant (family) trauma along the way.

The main criticisms seem to be her "bratty" behaviour and what some consider to be manipulation tactics, especially towards Shauna, which immediately makes me go "?!?", because what?

Because you know what? I remember being a moody, cranky, insufferable teenager. And I'm not above admitting that especially around 16/17 I said and did shit that was absolutely and utterly horrible. Downright textbook manipulative behaviours that partially far surpass anything we've seen on the show so far. And you know what? I grew up. Realized it was shitty behaviour. Went through many years of self-reflection and therapy. But initially? I was just a kid. A kid with way too much unspeakable trauma, both from within the family and outside of my family. I developed coping mechanisms that were beyond unhealthy and that affected every single relationship - both with family members and friends. When you're a teenager who has never known or seen healthy relationships or coping mechanisms or social structures, you do some pretty fucked up shit in an attempt to be seen, to be loved, to be acknowledged. Even if the people you seek validation from are emotionally unavailable. But that doesn't stop you from trying.

Our brains aren't fully developed until we're 25. So being 16/17 is so far from full comprehension, from grasping the complexities of trauma and messed up relationships. Especially when it's all you've ever known. And unless you crash and hit rock bottom and then come across the right kind of people who will help you understand, chances are you will need quite some time to get out of that vicious cycle of destructive behaviours.

So yeah, Callie does repeatedly display behaviours that will be perceived as bratty and manipulative. And then you take one look at Shauna and heck, even Jeff, and have to realize that she didn't exactly have parents who showed her what healthy relationships are supposed to look like. The only way Shauna seems to notice her, to see her, is when she does something extreme - and if you're a teenager who wants nothing more than to be loved by your own parent? You do the extreme thing. That does not make her evil. It doesn't make her a bad person. Right now it simply makes her a kid who really does not and cannot know or do better. There will come a point, when her brain has fully developed, where she will have to reflect and do better, where she has to quite literally outgrow her own mother, but right now she really deserves a lot more grace than some parts of the fandom are willing to give her

#Yellowjackets #Callie Sadecki #tw trauma #it's easier to judge than to understand #younger me would have done far better with a little understanding #I imagine the same would be the case for Callie #ps: you are free to disagree #I am quite literally not going to argue with haters #if hating gives you something - feel free #just not here

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greatwyrmgold · 2 months ago

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I have succumbed to the urge to do a full writeup.

Okay, so first we need to figure out who Alice and Betty are outside of their trigger events. Lots of people have messy first crushes, most of them don't freak out so badly they get superpowers...

Alice is in a really rough spot. Her mom's out of the picture, and while her dad isn't "abusive" or "neglectful," per se, he's emotionally unavailable and Alice doesn't feel comfortable coming to him with any problem more subtle than "I need money for my lunch account" or "can you drive me to the movie theater?"

The other people in her life aren't much better. Her teachers and club leaders and so forth are aloof, even more authoritative than her. She doesn't get along with most of her classmates; her "friend group" is a group that contains both of the people she'd consider friends; she's had enough bad experiences online that social media can't replace the empty space in her heart where friendship should go.

She has a huge crush on Betty, the girl at the center of her friend group. They don't talk much, but when they do, Betty's always nice to her. And she's so confident, and rich, and pretty. Alice fantasizes about Betty being her Prince Charming, a heroic figure who can whisk her away to somehow save her from her stressfully mundane life.

It's not always a good thing. Alice sometimes blurs the line between distant admiration and light stalking. But it's all for love, right?

Betty's life seems idyllic. She's from a rich family, she's good at school, she has lots of friends and fulfilling hobbies. But she has a dark secret, one that threatens to tear her whole life apart: She's gay.

Well, maybe it's not that dramatic. But it feels dramatic to Betty. She doesn't know that her parents or teachers or friends are homophobic, but any of them could be. She lives in a small town where the two political parties are Republican and Libertarian. (Or at least where no one left of Reagan speaks up about politics.) Anyone Betty knows could be homophobic, and very few are likely to stand up for her. Maybe her parents, if they don't just kick her out or force her back into the closet.

There's only one person in her school who she knows isn't homophobic. Alice is clearly into her, and she's a girl, so she's a fellow lesbian. Or she's not gay because she's a trans guy. Surely she wouldn't stare at Betty like that if she wasn't some kind of queer. And that means she's safe. Right?

Alice & Betty Trigger

So there's this party being thrown by one of Betty's friends, who is basically Alice's friend by default, so she's reluctantly invited. It's a house party, but the house isn't too crowded, so eventually Alice and Betty get some time together in a dark corner. They talk, not really confessing anything, but also not not confessing. Talking a bit about politics, about queer people, about lesbians, trying to gauge each other's responses and divine some meaning from them. Betty makes sure the coast is clear, then leans in close to Alice.

Alice was already nervous; she's never been alone with Betty before. So she's caught in a terrible spiral where she's panicking over it and the panic is causing more problems, until it seems insurmountable. It's a terrifying, all-consuming focus on something she wants so badly.

And when she starts to approach, Alice doesn't know what to do. This magical, impossible moment is coming, and it feels...visceral. Her heart is beating so loudly; not a fluttering doki-doki, but a meaty pounding. Alice wants it so badly, but little voices in the back of her head pipes up to question all the reasons she wants it and also all the reasons she thinks she'll get it.

So she triggers, and activates her new powers, and turns into slime. Betty is enough of a parahuman nerd that she recognizes this as a trigger event, but also knows that trigger events come from extreme stress.

Betty comes to the conclusion that Alice doesn't like her, probably isn't a lesbian, might have triggered because she's homophobic and thinks girls kissing are gross. So (from Betty's perspective) she not only lost the one person who she knew was safe to come out to, but also kinda came on to someone so homophobic that it gave her trauma superpowers. Alice was the absolute worst person to come out to!

Alice's Powers

The linked Wildbow quote describes this as a Breaker/Striker power, which makes sense. The stressor is someone within arm's reach, close enough to touch. Considering the way I've characterized Alice, I think it makes sense for her Breaker power to make her clingy. Like, physically. clingy. Adhesive. Sticky. Slimy.

She turns into sticky slime, which she can theoretically use to grab onto Betty and never let go. But her slime form lacks substance, lacks solidity. She can't do much of anything except cling...

Well, she also has her other powers. As I've written her, Alice's desire for Betty is fundamentally escapist. She wants to escape her brutally mediocre life, and triggers when the escape she imagined is a hair's breadth away and reality starts to set in. Textbook Fly mover. I am, um, not sure why the slime can fly. But I'm not sure why a bunch of laser-Blasters and Brutes can fly either.

If we wanted to get a little esoteric with it, maybe when she sticks to someone she can turn into wings. Or maybe she just flies. The "slime wings" idea feels disconnected from the trigger and the rest of her power, but it could arguably be connected to Betty's power. Speaking of which:

Secondary Powers: Anyone stuck in Alice's slime experiences the same "dampening" effect that Betty's causes, except that she uses the discharged powers. Also, her slime is the same color as Betty's gray fluttery things.

Betty's Powers

Betty's trigger is one of those mixed Master/Stranger triggers. She triggers because on one hand she loses the one person she can trust (isolation, Master) and on the other hand fears that coming out to her will lead to harassment or bigotry (unwanted attention, Stranger).

But also, Alice's new power played a role. It's the vector by which Betty realized she fucked up. She (thinks she) made her crush panic, which made her trigger, which is how Betty "realizes" the horrible mistake she made. I reckon that's enough for a Trump twist! (Also, the non-Trumpish idea I had for Betty's power was just another riff on the Imp/Nice Guy formula.)

Looking at the TRUMP document (not that one, Mr. President), some combination of categories 3, 5, and 9 seems potentially relevant.

Imagine a swarm of something gray, not quite like flower petals and not quite like moths. Betty can conjure and spread the fluttery things with a thought, then dismiss with another thought. If some of those things land on you, a "psychic static" settles over your mind, blunting your extreme emotions and sapping the strength of parahuman abilities.

Those emotions and powers aren't gone, they're just "soaked up" by Betty's power. She can release them later; if she dampens the fury of an angry mob, she could discharge it into one or a few people to make them uncontrollably angry. And if she cools a pyrokinetic's fire, she can make that fire power reactivate later, whether the pyrokinetic wants to or not.

She can't store them forever, though. One way or another, everything she absorbs must be discharged, sooner rather than later. If the negative emotions (or powers) aren't discharged into the power's targets, they're discharged into Betty. That's unpleasant if she gets a burst of concentrated anger, but pyrokinesis is worse.

Secondary powers: The fluttery things are stickier than they look. Betty also flies, though not as high or fast as Alice.

P.S. You would not believe how many different ways I found to typo "Betty". My fingers would not accept that Betty was a name I wanted to type. Stupid fingers. stupid brain thinks it's better than us HEY WHAT WAS THAT

What Happens Next?

Two new parahumans using their powers in confusion should make the party end in chaos, but Betty's power keeps everyone calm for long enough that the parahumans can flee safely before anyone figures out what's going on. Once they recover, it doesn't take long to figure out that the two people who flew away are the two people missing from the party. So they have secret identity problems from day 1.

Shipping-wise, Betty thinks Alice is grossed out by her and could out her any day, while Alice takes Betty's fearful distance as a sign that she was wrong all along and Betty will never love her.

I'm not good enough at romance writing to figure out how or if that misunderstanding can be resolved. But they live in a small town, so there shouldn't be much parahuman drama going on around them to disrupt that process...except the drama of gossipy Grace blabbing about their new powers.

Was looking into Breaker triggers (to try and get a better understanding of Wanton and Annex) and came across this comment from Wildbow with perhaps the funniest possible trigger I’ve seen for a cape

Game so spectacularly bad that you trigger from somehow actually managing to pull the person you like 😭. How do you even manage that, how do you even explain that??

#parahumans #trigger events #worm oc

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solsteri · 2 years ago

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to my youngest sister,

How can you understand me the least but be the only one in the world who can understand me at all. Beginning opposed to live in the same space and exist within each other. Hurt by our circumstances of home life, we fell into a fated dance of generational hurt passed through our parents and siblings. Bearing the illusion of declarations of love with underlining manipulation and guilt, set us targets to hold the weight of our emotionally unavailable parents from our world. We grew to hate each other and fueled our split family to aid each other to see how much we could hate one another. To you who threw the world in my face and I who did the same, I am sorry that I could not be the older sister that we both did not have present. Our sisters were filled with the rage and sadness of living in our home. I don’t blame them for leaving anymore but I will never see them like I see you, my dearest younger sister. It pains me to think that we both used our hurt to break each other to the point of avoidance. I began to heal myself and realize that this life is the one I can remember, so how could I hurt you to this point.

I have no recollection of when we began to exist at the same time. I remember being once apart from you and now I seek you out in a crowd.You know nothing of the inner working of my mind and I will never burden you with such, but I would hold each and every struggle that may come your way each and every time. I would relive my childhood for you to live one of happiness and joy at the expense of my own. To think that we don’t exist in the same space and we will soon grow old and distant with lives of our own. Seeing each other at every waking moment to being a call away will hurt more than anything you ever said to me.

I know you will never blame me for leaving but I blame myself for not being enough to bring you with me. I am sorry that I left you there all on your own, just as everyone has done to us. You will never tell me that you miss me or ask me to come back because we both know what that place has done to us.

I thank you for being alive and although my life has hurt me to the point of no return, hurting you by leaving indefinitely has always kept me tied to the ground. Floating aimlessly in this world, I can always find you and watch you live. I hope that although late, I was able to be someone you search for and tell your thoughts to. I saw a chance to step out of this dance and change the tune we swayed to, although I will never dance with you again, I can be the supporter we all needed.

I will never be enough to take all your pain and hurt away, but I will destroy every fiber of myself for you, give myself to the moon so that you can enjoy the night.

sincerely,

the second youngest.

by solsteri

#words #writing #mine #spilled words

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ic3qu33n · 2 years ago

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“What is your parents story?” Part.1 “my dad”

Well these are going to be hard to type out. Me being on the healing journey that I am in, I know why my parents were/are the way they are. I can see their inner self screaming for help and no one ever came. It makes me sad actually. I think my childhood could have gone very differently if they had the information that I have learned about abuse in all forms. How it affects us all mentally, emotionally and physically. I think if they had received any of this information life would have been very different for both of them.

First we’ll start with my dad. He passed away in 2014 from complications of Hep C and liver disease. He was 56. He was born in Agua Prieta, Sonora Mexico. A small town on the other side of the border near Douglas Arizona. As the story goes from many different family members, my dad’s biological father had two families. One on each side of that border. When my “grandfather” decided he no longer wanted my grandmother and went back to his “real family”, my grandmother tried to drown my father in the river. It was my grandmothers sister, his tia Esperanza, who saved him. Her name actually means “hope” in english… there something beautiful about that. Anyway, he was only 3 days old. His aunt had just had a baby who was about a month older than him, so she breast fed both babies. My dad told me once when he was drunk that he never understood how his mother could hate him so much. He grew up in a house across the way from where she lived. She continued to have children with a new man she married. He told me how his aunt never lied to him. He always knew what his mother tried to do with him. But as he put it, his little heart still tried to win his mother’s affection. He told me how he would sell candy and gum at the border when he was 6 and bring the money to his mother, not his aunt. She would take the money and send him on his way. He said he even took an old banana crate and reconstructed it to be a shoe shining box that he could carry to the border and shine shoes for American pennies. And every time, he would give her the money. Still she rejected him. He told me, that when he looks at us, he can’t comprehend how she could treat him that way when he couldn’t imagine doing that to us. (Though he was unavailable to us, but thats a story for another day). Then one day his tia Esperanza was going to Arizona to visit friends and decided my father should meet his father. My dad told me that he stood in the drive way of a beautiful white adobe house. There was red brick outlining the windows and door frame. He said compared to what he grew up in, this house looked well cared for. He said he waited in the driveway until his tia returned with his father. He told me this well dressed man with black shiny shoes towered over him. He told me he kept his head down and couldn’t stop staring at his shoes. Then the man got down on one knee and called him “Danny”. My dad had only ever been called “Daniel” by everyone he knew. He liked the way “Danny” sounded. (This is how my dad chose to introduce himself til the day he died) This man that my dad knew as a stranger told my dad that he and his older sister that he shared with my grandmother were both his children. Something my dad never knew. He thought all of his siblings had different fathers. He told my dad he wishes he could keep him and his sister with him but he couldn’t because his wife refused to accept them. He told my dad that he was sorry but maybe when he was older he could come visit. He just could never stay. My dad said he didn’t know why the words from a stranger hurt so bad. He said “I didn’t know this motherfucker until that day, why do I care?” But I knew. My father didn’t have to explain that this little boy was feeling rejected yet again.

We will fast forward to when my dad turns 16. This is when he leaves Mexico for good. He hops on a train and gets off in Tucson, Arizona. There he goes to another aunts house. His mothers younger sister Blanca. This is when my dad meets the first real father figure, his aunts husband, his tio Jose. Everything my dad knows about working with your hands and “being a man”, comes from this man. Around this time my dad learns that his biological father sent him legal documents and paperwork claiming him as his child. My dad had a permanent residence card allowing him to live in the U.S. he even had a social security card, and baptismal records from a church in Tucson. Turns out his tia Esperanza had been crossing the border with my dad and his sister many times just so his father could see his son grow, and claim both his children. My dad said that was the first time he felt someone did something for him that he didn’t have to beg for.

The next few years my dad does odd jobs, even lives in Portland, Oregon when he was 18 with one of his cousins. He eventually comes home to Arizona where he meets my mom at the age of 19.

One day he is at a bar with his cousin who ends up getting in a fight. Now my dad likes to tell it like, unbeknownst to my dad, a boxing trainer is “watching how quick” my dad moved and how my dads “eyes darted from one person to the next as he swung his punches”. This man supposedly approached my dad as they were getting in a vehicle to leave. This man gives my dad a paper bag with an address to the gym he trains at. He tells my dad if he wants to “get out of bars and into a ring to come and see him”. So my dad becomes a boxer for a short period. Then soon after, my mom and dad get married and when she tells him she is pregnant with my older brother he quits fighting. He the goes to find a “real job” to be a “good” father and husband to his new family.

I wish I could say it was all happy ever after from this point on… but its not. Again, a story for me to tell another day. Anyway I will stop this here. Next post will be about my mom. In the mean time, here is a face to the man I call dad. Meet Danny

#journal #writing #writing prompt #healing journey #story time #mental heath awareness #familia

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plantwriting · 3 months ago

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@tentss GLADLY!!!!!!

There is nothing in bitb that suggests John was in any way abusive or cruel to his family. Yes, Rand believes that he hates him and blames him for Rachel, but guess what? Rand believes that about both of his parents. And I haven’t seen anyone believing him about it when it comes to Donna.

The thing is, we see very little of John and Rand. We know Rand doesn’t want to see his dad, and we know that John isn’t a great father. He’s implied to be an alcoholic, he isn’t very attentive, he’s clearly disappointed in Rand. But that doesn’t make him a monster. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his family.

He is clearly very mentally unwell, the entire family is. And how could he not be? How could he not be after losing his daughter? It’s so easy to see how he ended up how he is, barely speaking, only going to work, drinking, watching his show, repeat every single day until his death.

I’m not saying he’s a good dad, absolutely not. He’s emotionally unavailable, he’s disappointed in how Rand’s life is going and doesn’t attempt to hide it, but honestly, that just speaks more to him not being some awful monster. Rand is 33 years old. From what we know, he has no education past high school, has never held down any kind of job, and is entirely dependent on his parents. And since from what we see, Donna is a stay at home wife and John is the sole breadwinner, Rand is specifically entirely dependent on John.

And John is disappointed in him. He isn’t happy about it. But the simple fact that at his age Rand is still living with his parents and doesn’t seem to have any fear over getting kicked out speaks a lot of volumes. Supporting your adult child when they need it isn’t something just anyone would do. It isn’t something someone would do unless they loved their child.

Even the way John speaks about wanting Rand to move out, it isn’t in the sense of kicking him out or making him fend for himself. It’s trying to get through to Rand so he CAN be more independent. I don’t remember the exact quote but “I think we can reach a breakthrough today” or whatever, he isn’t forcing Rand. He’s just trying to get his only living child to do something with his life.

I think for a lot of people, not just jrwi fans but people in general, the two realities of a parent doing their best and loving their child and still messing up and hurting their kid are two things that just. Cannot coexist. People will claim to love and want morally gray and flawed characters, but when they are actually presented with realistic depictions of it, they get uncomfortable. And so they force these characters into either extreme because that’s easier to handle. But that’s not realistic.

I’m not saying John is a perfect father. I’m not even saying he’s a good one. He’s messed up, and his own issues get in the way of supporting his kid, but he very clearly does love his family. He’s a product of his time, emotionally unavailable and neglectful and not a great father or husband, but nobody can convince me that he doesn’t try.

And like. I won’t start trauma dumping but this is from the point of view of a person who was abused by my dad. He’s hurt me. He’s given me so many issues that I will most likely never truly get over. But that doesn’t change the fact that I know he loves me, and I know he’s doing his best. And that’s the lense I see John through. He’s a man with issues who isn’t there for his family how he should be, but he tries. He loves his wife. He loves his kids. And while that isn’t enough, it’s more than I see a lot of this fandom give him credit for.

I will die on the hill of defending John Rand as a character and a father

#welcome back to ‘plant goes on a rant about bitb that’s like 99% projection’

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masp161 · 2 years ago

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Astro Observations #V

Asteroid Clymene, derived from the goddess of Fame and Fortune, might likely show where you are seen as potentially popular/famous, where and how you can achieve fame

Gemini/3rd House is associated with Society/People

Popular opinion : Sidereal birth charts describe you more

Sag Mercury will always have something to talk about, even if nothing happens in their lives. They just always have something interesting

The energy or attachment style you have with the sign in your 12th House can reflect your type of trauma and insecurity

I can easily see the dark minds of the zodiac being XXTPs or XXTJs (See Briggs Myers test) since XXTPs/XXTJs are not only mentally focused people, but that need to focus on the mind more than the heart usually tends to come from early trauma OR emotional absence of any kind. Their capacity to live on their own terms and spontaneity can be an aftermath of being left alone to deal with their trauma, forging their personality, leading to XXTPs.

Cancer/Capricorn 1st/3rd/4th/9th/10th or Mars/Saturn/Moon can often be perceived as parental, their energy. They radiate the parental energy that they lacked as a child, especially if the planets are retrograde

Pisces Mars people have a power to get revenge through karma because most of them tend to have an Aquarius Mars in their Sidereal Chart, Aquarius being the sign of Karma along with Capricorn, and Mars being the planet of intense emotions

What pisses people off about Pisces Mars is their emotional unavailability or diversity : their natural state of needing or having lots of people physically attracted to them but them not wanting anything. They also, Pisces Mars, have tendencies to just not settle for inclusivity.

Cap Pluto are a generation of pretending doms who want to rule but are submissive in bed.

Most Mutable Venuses are least likely to confess their feelings not entirely because they're not interested in love, but because they don't wanna admit or acknowledge their emotions until they're certain it's mutual. They don't like to look like fools.

What if all Libra Risings soulmate were themselves. Their 7th house, after all, is ruled by a sign representing the self.

I don't think, after all, that Saturn in your birth chart only shows how karma works for you. But rather what trace you leave on people.

The ugly part of astrology that people don't want to face is having North Node or personal planets in water houses (4th, 8th, 12th). They are indicators of the psyche. Indicators that the lifetime will be a lot of focus on the ugly parts of the self, of humanity, on healing and understanding those around us in order to understand ourselves.

My opinion :

Tropical Charts are the physicality of things, physical you, physical events

Sidereal Charts are the emotionality of things, emotional you, emotional reactions, you being you

Draconic Charts are the Ideal, the perfect you, the you with no concept of good or bad, with no concept at all, just yourself

(To be reviewed)

People with Cancer placements, Neptune in the 4th, or Neptune in Cancer can pretty much remember anything, even drunk or high.

People, in my opinion, with their north nodes in the 7th/8th/12th house have this kind of inevitable lesson, that they mastered in youth but lost over many years of trauma, to learn on how to let go of ego and work on their inner selves. And learn to let go of themselves and harmonize with the world/the universe.

Before any hate, let me explain why I didn't add the 9th/10th/11th House. To me the 9th house is about the philosophies and world views, not directly how we get to be extremely dependent of the world whether we want to or not. The 10th house is more close on how we can rely on people, but North Node in the 10th isn't necessarily involved in a spiritual AND emotional (both together) level (and in case you mention the 7th house, the 7th house is about the shadow part of ourselves and in some occasions the soul level of attachment we can have to somebody). And 11th house is more on the society/friends level. I see it also as a sort of independence house, where you can learn to not need people.

If the 2nd house is about knowing who you are and standing firm on knowing who you are, then the 8th house is the opposite : realizing you don't know who you are because you are constantly changing/evolving. Thus, people with the North Node in the 8th House, know that it's normal to feel like you don't know who you truly are because you're always changing. It's part of your journey.

Convince me otherwise, but Cardinal Moons are impulsive smartasses, especially when undeveloped or overdeveloped

Air signs, Scorpio, Pisces, Saggy and Capri LOVE doing personality tests more than the other signs (check out sun, moon, rising and dominant) generally because they tend to lack a fixed identity despite them saying they HAVE an identity. Sometimes they even redo the same tests just to be sure they won't change their score or answer. Part of them also loves discovering themselves through others (hence the internet tests).

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ziasecretlab · 3 years ago

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after school activities

• shouta aizawa x reader

🪶 you’re midoriya’s older sister who is also a pro hero and attends his parent teacher meetings when your mother had caught a cold. however it was only now you realised who his sensei was. and it isn’t looking too good.

- warnings: not much really. big fluff, concerned midoriya. i can’t think of any at the moment

extra: i had this in my notes app for months so ive decided to plop it over here because i absolutely love aizawa

“y/n! are you ready?” you hear your little brother calling out while you on the other hand was trying your best to look presentable. going to U.A high school in normal civilian outfit felt awkward.

you were used to being there in your hero costume. as the pro hero, prism. ability to bend, create and shoot light. U.A would sometimes call you down to train the students there. you would also never pass up the moment to annoy you little brother in school.

“okay! okay! how do i look?” you gave him a 360 turn of your outfit. it was just an easy white button up and a mint green pants. midoriya’s bored face quickly brightens up when he realises you’re actually finished dressing and that you guys could get a move on. “looks good, sis! did mom make you those pants?” he pointed at the beautifully fitted pants.

you nodded as the both of you left the house and to your car. normally, your mother would go to these conferences but it was just at the right moment when she caught the common cold and now you were forced to take her place as midoriya’s other guardian.

it would be your dad who’d take her place but seeing that he isn’t even in the country…

“who did you say your sensei was again?” you asked, trying to get past the last thought you had. you put the key and turn the car on, the ignition roaring. you turn the radio down before motioning for midoriya to put his seatbelt on.

“shouta aizawa,”

your actions of wearing your seatbelt came to a halt as you heard the name coming out for your brother’s mouth.

“out of all the days that i could bump into him, it has to be today? and worst of all i have to converse with him!” you thought to yourself.

“y/n? are you okay?” you slowly turn to your brother’s concerned face and was forced to slowly nod with a tight smile. “oh yeah. everything’s fine! let’s go,”

of course everything’s fine. you definitely aren’t going berserks after finding out that your little brother’s homeroom teacher is non other than the man you had plenty of one night stands with and now actively avoiding like the plague.

you clear your thoughts immediately as you put your feet on the pedal and start driving. you placed your attention on the road but can’t help going back to the jittering feeling of seeing shouta again after so long.

you never meant to avoid him. well, the intention was there but the reason wasn’t that awful. after hooking up with him for almost 3 months straight, you realised you wanted more than him sneaking into your apartment at 2 in the morning because it was a lonely, cold night.

but you knew well that he was very much emotionally and physically unavailable and wasn’t looking for a relationship. hence why the one night stands.

with the league of villians and being a teacher at U.A as his top priority, you started to push him away. it was best for your heart, even if it was selfish.

but it was good for shouta too, right? you frequently ask yourself the same thing.

while trying to steer clear away from the man, you resulted in staying at your mom’s home half of the time so that when he comes knocking at your apartment door, he’d be greeted with nothing.

it did raise some questions from your mother as to why you were suddenly moving back in. and the unability to lie to your own mother caused you to spill everything that happened. you swore she was bluffing about catching a cold now so you could talk to him.

if so, her plan was definitely working. you have no idea what to say to him however.

you put in effort in ignoring him. agreeing to do patrols in another area which wasn’t near him. all in the hopes that the feelings would wash away like water hitting sand. it was that simple, or so you thought.

finally, you pulled up to the school and felt much more nervous that midoriya. heck, at this point, midoriya doesn’t even look like he’s breaking a sweat!

“your face is all pale. what’s going on, y/n?” you felt a small tug on your sleeve and you turn to your 15 year old brother. “nothing wrong, mido. i was just thinking about some of the missions i was on,” you shot him a soft smile in hopes to relief the tension.

the mission being how to get through today’s parent-teacher conference without making a fool out of yourself and out your whole relationship with shouta to your brother.

“well you’ve been on many. against the league of villians too. i’m proud to be your brother,” your heart melted slightly as you brother nudged you on the side. the fears of meeting his teacher washed over slightly but it was still there.

after walking down the corridor, you watched as midoriya walked over to his classroom. 1A. this is it, y/n. now or never. he opened the door to poke his head in before waving for you to join him.

a big breath in, you stepped into the class and set your eyes on the teacher infront. it was him. instead he looked more relaxed. hair tied in a low ponytail. he wasn’t in his hero costume either. you’ve seen him like this most of the time but now it felt different.

he was ruffling through papers to find midoriya’s result slip and pulling it out. you were still to the side watching him intently. oh how you wished to just disappear into thin air.

“my mother’s not well so she sent my sister to come if that’s fine,” midoriya explained to the tired looking man who just nods, pulling out a pen and more papers. midoriya looks over and head nudged me over. you took the step and stopped at his table. his eyes slowly trailed, no expression as usual.

not until he met your face was when his eyes buldged and face turned red. “aizawa-sensei, this is my sister, y/n. she’s also the pro hero, prism!” midoriya obviously didn’t sense the tension as both of you stared into each other.

he hasn’t changed a bit.

you reached your hand out and he took it into a small shake. “um nice to uh meet you,” you softly greeted and he in return gave you an awkward smile. “he’s a pro hero too,” midoriya whispered and you nodded acting like you had no idea.

when in the fact this man has been in your bed, cooked you breakfast and cleaned your bruises quite a number of times. sometimes, it felt like he was a permanent resident in your house.

“let’s start with the meeting?” you tried to push forward to avoid anything else. shouta nodded and pushed the report card towards you. good grades. of course. you wouldn’t expect anything else from your talented brother. a small smile reached your face.

“good job, midoriya. you’ve improved,” you pat and ruffled his hair which earned a groan. “i learned from the best,” how sweet. it’s gonna break him when he finds out all the things that has happened between you and his sensei.

when that time comes, you are going to need painkillers to aid that impending migraine.

“midoriya is an excellent student. attentive in class. helpful towards classmates. his use in ability needs some work but he has improved,”

good things so far. nothing too terrible. i’m glad that the one for all quirk hasn’t been too tiring on his body. he worked hard for it anyways. after being quirkless most of his life, it’s such a blessing that he gets to live his dream.

though you know that your mother is going to be both proud and anxious now that she has another soon to be hero on her hands. you pray for her everyday.

shouta sighs and sets his pen down. “however,” oh no. there’s a however? “that doesn’t sound too promising. has midoriya caused troubles? i wouldn’t be too surprised,” this earned a small jab at the side of your torso by midoriya who has a playful pout on his face.

“brat. you know you can be just as problematic,”

you turned back to shouta who had a small weary smile on his face but wipes it off when he realised you were looking.

“he’s been getting into arguments and fights with a certain classmates. katsuki bakugou,” you let a small huff and nodded slightly, aware of the fued between the two of them. “it’s been going on since they were kids, sensei. i’ll have a talk with midoriya when we get.. home,”

you were careful with your words throughout this whole meeting but his expressions clearly shows that he’s now well aware where you’ve been all this while. “you live together with your family?” he questions, looking at you straight in the eyes. “for a while, yes. i have an apartment but pro hero work makes me uh homesick,” lies lies and more lies. shouta definitely read through you. he isn’t that stupid.

he just nods and hands you a copy of midoriya’s result slip. “well i’m sure you’re a good influence on midoriya here. he’s going to need a lot of it,” you shot a small smile to him, your nerves not calming down anytimes soon. thank god this conference was coming to an end. as the two of you stood up, shouta’s hand grabbed your wrist.

heat prickled at the back of your neck slightly. “can i speak to you for a minute? it’s about midoriya,” your little brother flashed a confused look but you just nodded, knowing well what the next conversation is actually about.

“wait outside for me. and take this,” you passed his report slip and he left the room.

now it was just the two of you alone.

you heard him slump back into his chair and you did the same. you didn’t dare look him in the eye but you know damn well that he was looking at you. no, staring at you. “shouta. i can feel your gaze,” you grunted, shifting uncomfortably in your seat.

it felt really intense. you knew how his staring was but this time it was much different.

“three whole months. i heard nothing from you. your apartment empty. streets you patrolled was by another pro hero,” you heard his tone of voice rise slightly. you knew he leaned in closer. you took his opportunity to look up.

the look in his eyes was almost scary. does he look like this when taking down villians?

“and suddenly, you’re in my classroom. the sister of my student. how did i not see this?” you huffed as he crossed his arms in disbelief. you told no one about midoriya. everytime you came to U.A you only disturbed him from a far or indirectly embarrass him.

this was to keep your family as safe as you can. even if it means going by a different surname. your family was well aware of the responsibility of a pro hero. they understood why you had to take the safety precautions.

“i can explain,”

“then do it. i want to hear why your apartment was empty for that last three months. why you ignored my calls and texts,” he motioned for you to continue. you let a heave and allowed yourself to relax.

you felt a migraine coming.

“look. i was gone for three months because… i just couldn’t.. i couldn’t continue doing what we were doing,” you confessed and he just nodded, jaws visibly clenched. “that was all i needed to hear-” you stopped him before he could kick you out of his classroom.

“i didn’t want to keep being friends with benefits,” you rushed out that sentence in hopes he didn’t hear it. but he definitely did. his eye were widened again and he took a big gulp. “i didn’t want to keep messing around and watch you do sweet things for me but we were just friends,”

shouta looked almost confused but he understood what you meant. at least you hoped he got what you meant.

“do you mean you wanted to be more than friends?” he was threading carefully at his words. that’s exactly what you meant. you nodded, looking away, waiting for the rejection to happen. but shouta remained quiet. he looked like he was thinking?

“look i didn’t know you were midoriya’s homeroom teacher,”

“and if you knew, you wouldn’t have come?” you heaved and started rubbing your temples. here come the migraines. you felt a hand grab your wrist and pull it down.

shouta knew well that in stressful situations you get really bad migraines. so instead of you rubbing your head, he gives you a cup of water. and even in a situations like this, he still does the same thing.

after chugging down the water, you continued.

“i’m sorry, shou. i did avoid you because i wanted more. i thought placing a barrier between the two of us meant that i could forget how i felt,”

you knew that it was a selfish excuse to give. all those times that shouta might have actually needed you and weren’t even there had just caused a pang in your heart.

“and you just didn’t think to ask if i wanted that too?” his question caught your off guard, whipping your head up to see the serious expression on his face. “w-what?”

shouta stood and made a round towards you. he held a hand out and pulled you up so that you were now standing infront of him.

“you think i just go around sleeping with other pro heroes, making coffee and breakfast for them in bed. watching cheesy rom-coms with them?” you gulped as he inches closer.

“y/n, i felt lost in those three months. and now you’re here telling me you have feeling for me?” a small smile fell on his lips. it was genuine and such a rare sight to see. it was beautiful.

“gosh you could’ve just told me you liked me, kitten. because i feel the same,” his confession made your knees weak. he likes you. all this while he liked you?! “i feel stupid,” you muttered, letting your head fall onto his shoulder.

you heard him chuckled, cupping your face in his warm hands. his chuckles brought a smile on your face. “i guess now we have to make up for lost time,” you joked and he just nodded, looking down at you. it was so silent. it was comfortable.

“can i kiss you?” he asked softly. you didn’t hesitate when nodding your head. you missed his soft lips on yours and now you could feel it once more. the kiss was becoming deeper as you wrap your arm around his neck. this was all you wanted. you’re living your drea-

“AH WHAT IN THE WORLDS?! MY EYES! MY EYES!” you heard midoriya screeches as the door flew open. you shoved shouta away quickly, trying to hide what your brother already saw. “i thought i told you to wait outside,” you annoyingly grunted.

“you were taking too long! since when have you two? that’s my sister. and he’s my teacher. and i-” midoriya’s muttering stopped when you shined a small amount of light to temporarily blind him and run out of the room. “you’re explaining it in the car, young lady!” he rambled like an old lady.

“you still wanna be with me?” you teased shouta who looked semi embarrassed at what just happened. “i can handle midoriya. you on the other hand,” his voice was low and his hands make its way around your waist.

“ask me out on a date first will ya?” you in return hooked your arms around his neck pulling him closer. “okay, kitten. will you please go on a date with me?” his voice was gravely but him smile was very much bright.

“since you asked so nicely, yes i will. tonight at 8?”

“you read my mind,” he gave a small peck onto your forehead then your nose and finally your lips. you giggled at the action. “i should explain to midoriya how his homeroom teacher and sister are banging one another,” his smile fell to a cringed one.

“don’t say that to him. it’ll scar him. just tell him how we’re… together,” sounds lamer than your plan but whatever he says. as you walked out of the door, shouta calls you out one last time. “thank you, kitten,” he shut the door and you made your way to find midoriya. it wasn’t too far until you saw him banging his head onto a wall.

“midoriya?” you called at the deadly glare pierced through your skin. “why are you and aizawa-sensei together? when? how?” he was blurting out words at per usual.

“well when two people love each other-” midoriya rudely interupts by stepping infront of you. “you guys are in love?!”

“mido, let me speak!”

this was going to a long drive home with midoriya trying to come to terms that his sensei might actually be his brother-in-law.

while you were happily telling your brother about your time with shouta and how happy you are with him.

———

bonus !

it’s been at least an hour since your encounter with shouta. he was currently finishing the last of the students and about to head home and get ready for his date with you.

he missed you too much. if he was being honest, you’re what he was looking for in life. not that he’d admit it to you anytime soon, but when it slips, it slips.

shouta was so close to reaching the front door in peace before it was slammed open. meeting him was non other than his friends.

“what now?” shouta knew by the look on hizashi’s face that he had a gist of what’s going on. and just so happens, nemuri and toshinori was there. what luck he has!

“y/n and shouta sitting on a tree k.i.s.s-”

they must have overheard midoriya’s rant. shouta pushed them aside and closed the door behind him.

“i’m honestly enjoying ever second of it. so how’s it like dating your student’s sibling?” nemuri teased him, shoving her fist in his face as if it was a microphone. playing along, he pushed it away. “no comments,”

toshinori was up next in teasing the tired man. “i’m guessing you’ll be seeing more of young midoriya other than school!” shouta just wants to go home. that’s all he asked for.

“how did you guys even find out y/n is prism and that she’s midoriya’s sister?” he stopped to face his friends.

“well we knew y/n was prism since the get-go,” nemuri started. shouta shook his head. he thought he did a good job concealing who you were. other than the fact that he found out today that you’re an izuku.

“also midoriya kept rambling on about his sister kissing his teacher. so we, the great heroes we are, pieced it together!” hizashi boasted, rubbing his chin as if he was posing.

“young midoriya also let it slip who his sister was!” toshinori jumped in, breaking hizashi’s ego just a little.

shouta made a mental note to tell you during your date with him that midoriya let your true identity out by accident.

“okay. congratulations. can i go now? i have a date,” shouta realised how time slowed down when he accidentally told his friends of tonight’s programme.

he decided it was best to quickly leave his friends who were going on and on about the date and teasing him about it. shouta knows well he would need to explain everything to them tomorrow.

but right now, he’ll solely focus on you. and you only.

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