#only 3 hours away so not really a road trip but . thats a long time for them at least

[googyplushie]

ned and kiwi are coming on a road trip!! :3

[dreamteamspace]

We hit 400 so here’s a- ✨ DREAM APPRECIATION ESSAY ✨

(by Yours Truly. Much thanks to the one, innocent anon who just wanted to ask a small talk question but hit my serotonin-providing hyperfixation.)

1. Self-esteem

I love the way he’s confident in his abilities when it’s become such a “trend” to either be completely and utterly self-depricating about your own skills out of fear of being labelled an asshole or overconfident nowadays.

At the same time you can still tell he doesn’t want to pull anyone down ever, and will always be really careful with that and take every oppertunity to lift up the people around him. Dream has a very emotional voice that gives him away a lot, so you can really tell he genuinely admires the people around him and he’s never afraid to say that they could totally easily beat him in something if he doesn’t have practice with it.

He tends to be a bit too hard on himself, so his friends always encourage him in his abilities, and that’s just. So nice. He celebrates his victories! He gets so so excited and happy when he wins in the manhunts, and I think celebrating your hard-earned victories isn’t something that should be villanized.

He won, and we should KNOW by now that doesn’t mean he thinks he’s somehow better than everyone. He has a pretty good eye on his abilities, and that allows him to really use them to the max.

2. Morality

He isn’t afraid to change the game! His adhd picks out a Cool New Thing and he just goes, You know what? Why not! His adhd goes “do this thing repeatedly another 3847 times” and he’s like, yeah sure!

Nobody expected him to release a song, but he just went for it! He’s been speedrunning so much, but he isn’t afraid to stream it every day 5 days in a row for hours while his friends bicker in the background.

Dream genuinely does the things he finds fun, but at the same time puts in so much effort to make them good and entertaining to watch and never forgets about his viewers.

He’s kidfriendly because he wants to be! Fame-wise, at this point he could definitly swear more if he wanted to (and he does when in other people’s content who don’t care about swearing), but despite that he doesn’t swear on his main because he wants his content to be accessable for everyone.

Sure, on one hand it could be for clout/money, but consider: Dream doesn’t stream the DSMP because he doesn’t want to take attention away from other people. He participates in the videos of his friends. He lets compilation channels and the like do whatever they want and even monetize his content. He lets his friends stream Road Trip on twitch as much as they want for free.

Dream doesn’t not swear just for his fanbase, but he does it because he has so so much respect for people. No matter how high he goes, he’s always consciously focused on respecting and admiring the people around him.

He has genuine respect for creators so much smaller than him, and he has respect for people in his fanbase that are younger than him. He isn’t afraid to go against the norm and STAND for that, either (see the video where he defends his stans).

And he defends his friends so much too! So much so it could almost be a little bit of a flaw sometimes, but I feel like he truly wants to learn from his mistakes. He apologizes for things even when nobody asked him to, and that just shows that he does it out of genuine guilt and fear of hurting someone.

He’s always seemed like someone who is genuinely willing to change to be a better version of himself, who isn’t afraid to challenge what he thinks and what other people think and what the norm thinks in order to improve everything for everyone.

Dream also doesn’t let any of the fame get to his head! As I said before - he’s confident in the things he’s good at, but in a way that doesn’t pull other people down, and he still remains firmly admirable of other people.

And even when OTHER people let fame get to their head (it was a while ago, but there was a video he made about five block jumps, where he added in a clip of a video of another guy doing it complete with credit and link etc. The guy was 100% alright with it at first, but when his video started getting more views because Dream’s video blew up, he started accusing Dream of “stealing” his content (when dozens of other videos of the 5 block jump already existed, and Dream could’ve just put in a clip of himself doing the jump)),,, but he insisted in his reponse that fame gets to people’s heads sometimes, nobody should blame anybody, he genuinely was never upset at him and just said that this just... happens sometimes.

He’s a very forgiving person all around, in part due to being willing to challenge his own norms and give people the benefit of the doubt JUST in case he’s wrong. He lets people enjoy things so long as they aren’t hurting anybody, like allowing people to ship him w people who are also alright with shipping, but at the same time taking a hard stance on, say, how shipping minors is absolutely wrong and should not be done ever (and he’s right).

3. Fandom

He appreciates said fanart and fanworks as well! He thinks dnf fanart is cool and he even appreciates the fanfic part of his fandom, something many ccs wish to ignore or forget it exists altogether (and it IS ofc in their right to do so or be uncomfortable with such content!), but Dream sees the work put into it and how people find connections and friendships through the fandom and appreciates it all the same.

He loves his fandom. So much. But not in the overdone, fake-feeling way I’ve seen other ccs be,,,, he’s just. Quiet and shy and genuine about it but not afraid to defend it.

He’s said before - and I QUOTE - “If you send hate to people or have sent hate to people, in the form of hateful comments or DMs, you aren’t welcome in my fandom. You’re no fan of mine”, which is the HOTTEST take he’s ever uttered and I love that. He really just went and said that. And he’s right. I like that despite how he’s usually more held back and waits things out before taking a stance, he chose this topic to really take a hard stance on and not budge and stick to it.

Pmbata has also said that he believes his fans have his back no matter what!! And that he really loves them a lot!!! And I am!! Emotional!!!!

4. ND/Adhd

He has adhd which is something I relate to personally (I have it as well sdlkfj). He gets excited sometimes!! I love how he shows being fidgety in mc, always pacing and parcouring around,, the way that in manhunts you can SEE when he’s thinking or bouncing back and forth between two options,,, or the way he gets close to people in mc to laugh with them.... He shows so much with his movements by them being quick and daring and calculated (and it’s especially hilarious to watch other people react to it in the video “mc but three people control one player”, where he’s the one moving and Sapnap and George will gasp or go “Dream!!” in surprise when Dream was THIS close to falling off a ledge, but he just laughs sdlkfjsdf).

When he’s not moving around he stands perfectly, perfectly still (which, idk if thats what all adhd ppl have, but I know I have something similar? Like when I’m nervous I’ll sometimes just. Freeze in place. No movement at all). He’s just relatable sdkjf.

There was one Manhunt extra scenes where he,,,,, stims by clapping,,,,,, the lil excited clap in the background,,, I’m gonna cry. I’m so soft for excited Dream that one is such a comfort clip for me!

He also tends to stim by getting under trap doors and then jumping back out of them, or jumping up a block and then walking back down over and over (especially noticable in The Village Went Mad tftsmp episode, where they were all discussing who the murderer could be and he was the only one moving, hopping up the log and then running back down again).

Also it is. Really Soft when he starts rambling and overexplaining something. What’s even better is that George, who is usually present at such moments, will laugh a little at his antics, and Dream will automatically laugh with him.

5. Rp/Uplifting other ccs

Dream wasn’t all THAT into the rp at first, but his server has been so strongly supporting and giving attention to smaller creators that he’s since completely rolled along with it. Being a villain in the RP is a difficult role because you will, inevitable, as much as it is just roleplay and all scripted, always get some amount of dislike from people for it.

Despite that, he’s basicly the main big villain on his own server where he let a bunch of theater kids beat him up in character and imprison him on his OWN SERVER. He wasn’t as into the rp at first, but has obviously been practicing and joins every Tales of the SMP when he can, despite getting zero clout for it.

What Dream also tends to do is find small content creators, see their talent and lift them high. His entire discord server is dedicated to give smaller ccs a place to grow, and when he first found Tubbo, Tommy, Ranboo, etc., they were much much smaller than they are now. He truly wanted to help them make it big.

He’s also added Foolish Shark and Hannah onto the SMP, both much smaller ccs (not tiny, but you get what I mean), allowing them to grow. He doesn’t stream on his OWN SERVER. He let himself get imprisoned to let the good guys win on his OWN. SERVER. He’s willing to play the villain and everything.

An interesting thing though! A lot of people used to/still do clown on Dream a bit for his sometimes uncertain acting,,, but when he’s around people he knows well (Sapnap and George, Tubbo and Tommy) we’ve seen him go ALL OUT. I have the theory Dream might be genuinely afraid to accidentally be mean to someone in character and have them misinterpret it sldkfjsdf,,, so he’s rly careful when he goes into the rp, and sometimes even when he’s in it he goes quiet, especially with other people around.

But also the fact that he needs time to feel comfortable around ppl is,, a mood,,, and adorable,,, sdlfkjsdf-

Apparently he’s also shared his youtube algorithm secrets with Tommy?? Which he had only shared with Sapnap and George before?? Dream took one look at that chaotic kid and immedietly adopted him as his little brother. He literally got up super early to rp the prison visit. Idk about ya’ll but I would die for someone first and get up horribly early for them second-

6. Friends!!

Dream?? Considers so so many people his friends?? And despite having so many friends, he also has his few closest friends (George and Sapnap) whom he would absolutely die for in a heartbeat. He WILL defend them with everything he has and loves them so so much.

He listens to them and really, truly wants them to succeed. He respects them so much and will go OFF about how good they actually are and how talented they are and how important they are to him.

I can’t even COVER everything about how much he is SOULMATES with Gorg. They live in each others heads rent-free. He mentions him all the time. They get!! So happy when they’re around each other!!! Their voices get so soft,,

And I can’t even BEGIN to explain the energy of Sapnap and Dream just moving together permanently. Imagine moving together with your best friend. Like, permanently. Into one house. They’re best friends Your Honor,,,,

Also,, remember the Techno and Dream rivalry? And Dream has recently said that he’s hesitant to make a serious manhunt against Techno because he doesn’t want there to be any feud between them or have them be compared to each other. He said that while he absolutely wanted nothing more than to beat Techno at first, now that he knows him better he just wants to be friends with him. He wants to be FRIENDS. With his, essentially, mc RIVAL. Friendly rival, but still. He doesn’t even wanna fight Techno or have ppl compare them cause he,,, wants to be friends with him,,,,

7. Vulnerability

What I feel like really sets Dream apart from some other ccs for me is that he’s willing to be vulnerable. He will tell George he loves him. He defends his friends. He sounds so, so genuine when he tells his fandom that he loves them.

What’s just really rare to see, especially in male ccs, is that vulnerability. It’s becoming more acceptable as time goes on, but it’s certainly not easy, and a lot of people become and stay long-term fans BECAUSE they can see how genuine he is.

I know Dream looks up to Mr. Beast a lot, for example, but honestly? I think he’s a little better than Mr. Beast. Because he feels more genuine, more bound to what he believes is right. I’m sure Mr. Beast isn’t a bad content creator! But ultimately they have different target audiences and I’m very glad Dream is the way he is.

Less of that insecure masculinity and more willing to be vulnerable, to care about things, to get emotional and to encourage and uplift the people around him.

8. Pure Brainrot

Green boi has nice deep calm soothing voice. Little shy laugh. Wheeze laugh. Gorg live in his head rent-free. He lov friends. He lov block game. He good at block game,,, a little shy but confident,,, big heart,,,, soft voice,,,,, rambles sometimes....

He also Gender. He’s so gender. I don’t know how else to describe it. I want That. Whatever That is. My gender is Dreamwastaken

[rivers-rambles21]

The one with the road trip

Part 15 of The one where Bucky has a cute neigbour series!

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X Reader (f)

Warnings | 18+ only  - no smut but mentions of it

Chapter 15 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 1 | Masterlist

Apologies for any mistakes, this has been written on my phone and its a bit difficult to edit. Once I’m back with a working laptop I’ll give it a once over :)

Bucky had intended on renting a bike so you could ride down to Louisiana but with Sam’s suit it would’ve been an impossible feat. 

He settled for hiring an SUV and added you both to the insurance so you could take it in turns driving on the long trip down south. 

“Been together one day and we’re already on our first trip” You teased as you rested your feet on the dash, taking in the scenery as Bucky drove. His metal hand gripped the steering wheel as he peaked a glance over to your bare legs, resisting the urge to pull over. 

“You’re the one having a mid life crisis doll not me” You feigned offense and swatted the soldier beside you, pleased to get a hit in as he tried to dodge your attack. His eyes remained on the road as he grasped your hand in his. “Less of that thank you” He laughed, bringing your hand to his lips, leaving a kiss on the back before giving it back to rest on your thigh, his hand not leaving yours. 

“Looking forward to seeing Sam again?” He didn’t respond but his face said it all. “You’re so dramatic” You chuckled as you leant down to root around in your bag for the road trip snacks. Retrieving a bag of cashews, you offered it to Bucky who gladly took a handful. 

“I just know he’s going to ask a billion questions about stuff we’ve not even discussed yet, that we’re probably not even ready to talk about. He didn’t stop asking about you y’know? Y/n this, Y/n that…he kept threatening to ask you out.” 

“Oh he did” 

The car swerved slightly as Bucky's grip on the wheel tightened, his concentration lapsing for a split second. 

“He did what?” He asked, tearing his eyes from the road to glance over at you. 

“It was just a bit of harmless flirting-” You began before being cut off. 

“We flirted.” Bucky stated, his jaw clenching. 

“We also did a lot of things just friends don’t do. Relax Sarge, he only asked to get a reaction out of me.” 

Bucky grunted in response, knowing his reaction was a tad over the top but he couldn’t help it. You were his. 

“We could always mess with him in return.” You pondered as you took a swig of your drink. “Maybe hold off on telling him about us, it’s only meant to be a flying visit anyway isn’t it? So we wouldn’t have to pretend for long… play him at his own game?” 

Bucky smirked in response, completely on board with your little plan.

  The next few hours passed with the typical car games and a quick power nap as Bucky continued driving. 

“How long until you start at Starks?” 

“A month thank god, the GRC wanted me gone pretty quickly, I didn't have to work my notice which was a blessing really. I’ll schedule a day to go and clear out my desk and say my goodbyes. Will you still get your pension if we live out of the country?” 

“I’m not sure to be honest, I can pick up work wherever we are though, it wouldn’t be the first time. I’m good with my hands” 

“You’re telling me” You muttered under your breath. Bucky heard you loud and clear and let out a laugh as he recalled how you spent most of last night. “Are we crazy? Travelling with no plan, barely any money and only just starting out as a couple?” 

“Oh absolutely”

Eventually Bucky took a break from driving after you stopped for food in a roadside diner. It had been a while since you’d driven but you wanted to give Bucky the chance to get some sleep, something you knew he still struggled with. 

Despite telling him to try and get some sleep on the back seats, he remained upfront with you, doing his best to battle the drowsiness that had overcome him. He’d not gotten much rest the past few weeks, from battling the Flag Smashers in Europe, to hunting down Zemo and then back to New York. In truth he was worried he’d have a nightmare and wasn’t sure on how he’d react but upon your insistence, he tried to get some shut eye. After an hour or so he dropped off, the sound of you humming along to a song on the radio sending him off into a dreamless sleep. 

Bucky couldn’t quite believe it, he couldn’t remember the last time he slept without being haunted by memories of the Winter Soldier. Granted, he only got four hours of sleep , but it was the best he’d felt in a long time.

When it came to your turn to get some shut eye Bucky insisted on stopping over in a hotel for the night. You’d tried to convince him a motel would suffice after you lost the battle of you sleeping in the car but he was victorious. 

To be frank, after spending so many hours in the car, you were grateful to be sleeping in a bed with your super soldier by your side. 

As you slept, Bucky took the time to fire off a few emails advising he’d be ending his lease. Having slept earlier, he felt energised and was content in browsing the internet as you slept tucked into his arm. 

He did his best not to wake you as he opened a selfie from Shuri of her with Ayo and Nomble, a chuckle escaping his lips as Shuri and Nomble looked to be thoroughly enjoying themselves on a boat trip in New York whilst Ayo sulked in the background. 

He also replied to an email from his therapist's office, letting them know he’d be absent from his next session but planned on returning the following week.

Bucky was tempted to let Sam know he was coming but thought it best to surprise him.

The next day was much of the same, both of you switching the drive and stopping off at diners for food. Due to the lack of respect Bucky had for the speed limit, you were making good time and would be in Delacroix the following morning. 

“-it was like I didn’t exist. Honestly it was the most humbling experience of my life” 

“Sergeant Barnes in his uniform… now that is something I’ve got to see.” 

“Maybe one day”  

Your eyebrow perked at the thought. “Good god man” You groaned dramatically and sank further into your seat, giggling as you caught sight of the blush covering his cheeks. “For what it’s worth, lack of nutrients from the rationing clearly messed with her eyesight.” You were genuinely baffled how Peggy didn’t swoon for the man next to you.

“Where were you in the 40’s when I needed you huh?” 

“I doubt I’d have been your type” 

“Intelligent, strong woman with a great sense of humor? And thats not even mentioning your ass.. Oh no, definitely not my type” He replied sarcastically. 

“Ha ha fine, I’ll take your word for it.” 

“I’d have taken you dancing, maybe gone to a show or even the carnival. Anything you wanted.” He took your hand in his again and kissed the back of it as he pondered just how he’d of won you over back then. He usually didn't like to dwell on life before the war, the pain of losing his family and the future he lost was too much but having you in his life somehow made the memories hurt less. Having you with him now along with the future he could picture with you helped him make peace with his past life and accept that it wasn’t something he could ever go back to. 

When Steve was returning the stones, he did wonder whether he should go back with him but the realisation that there wasn’t anything waiting for him apart from a time that he didn't belong to made his decision to remain in the present resolute. And by god was he thankful he stayed.

On your way to your final hotel before arriving at Sams, you’d taken over the driving and had kept Bucky entertained with your off key singing and terrible car games. 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me” As it turns out, Bucky was a sore loser. 

“What? It counts!!” 

“You cannot see bacteria Y/N” 

“Yes I can! It’s right...right… right there!” You pointed to a random bit of the car interior and held back a laugh at a clearly unamused Bucky.

“You’re so full of shit” 

“How do you know I can’t see it huh? Guess it’s my turn again, I spy with my little -” 

“No” He cut off as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Absolutely not. I’m going to choose a game.” 

You let out a little smile and continued focusing on the road until the super soldier landed on something he liked. 

“Okay okay, would you rather sounds fun. Doll, would you rather have the superpower of being invisible or ability to fly.” 

“Aw come on Buck these are tame! If I have to answer, without a doubt invisibility.” 

“Not dirty enough for you sweetheart?” A tingle rang down your spine at your new nickname. “I’d have to agree, invisibility easily.” 

“Buck you’re an actual superhero, you’ve already got powers, leave some for us mere mortals!” 

“... you think I’m a superhero?” 

“....you’re literally an Avenger.” You reached across towards the man beside you, keeping your eyes on the road as you pressed your hand against his forehead. “Are you feeling okay?” 

Bucky rolled his eyes at your sarcasm and swatted your hand away from his head. “Fine you made your point.” 

You shook your head as you returned your hand to the steering wheel, tapping away to the song on the radio. 

“The rest of these questions are boring” He muttered as he furiously scrolled through his cell. 

“C’mon, go R rated” 

“It’s no fun when I already know the answers to these!” 

“Pfft doubtful, come on, hit me” 

“Spit or swallow, you’re a swallower doll.See?” 

“Okay okay! You’re right, I give in. How about we just ask each other some questions?” 

“But you already know everything,” He remarked, throwing a few cashews into his mouth. 

“When did you first see me as someone other than a friend?” You’d thrown him off guard with that question, his hand stuck in mid air as he went to throw more snacks into his mouth. 

“Wouldn't you rather know my most embarrassing sexual encounters?” He offered but was met with silence. “Fine……. I’ve never seen you as just a friend. Yes we were friends before we became more and honestly Y/n if it never progressed further than just friendship I would’ve been fine with it, more than fine with it y’know? Meeting you was the best fucking thing-” “Buck, it’s okay” Your hand reached out towards him and squeezed his thigh as you kept your eyes on the road. 

“There’s more… before we officially met in the lobby when that creep wouldn’t leave you the fuck alone, I’d seen you around. I was coming back from lunch with Yori and he was complaining about having gone for burgers instead of our usual and there you were, headphones in completely oblivious to the world and searching for your keys in your purse as usual. You were just so carefree - everything I wanted to be. And then a couple of days later we met and I was a goner.”

You bit your lip as you fought back a smile, overwhelmed by his honesty. It was a welcome feeling, knowing you weren’t the only one that felt an attraction almost immediately. 

“I’d seen you around too, before we officially met I mean. It’s kind of hard to miss you” You chuckled as you snuck a glimpse over at him and found him doing his usual glare. “It was pretty early on for me as well, do you remember when we went for coffee?” 

“And you ordered us two cups of sugar? Yeah I remember” 

“Mocha Latte’s aren’t bad for you… they just give you a bit of a buzz” 

“Especially if you order extra cream…” 

“Anyway! I’ve always been attracted to you, I’m not blind y’know but after seeing this dark looming strong man consume a drink like that, and have some residue cream left on his lower lip mind you, I just knew that it was more than just a crush. There’s something oddly charming and attractive about seeing someone so intimidating be so soft. It’s like I’m the only one who gets to see that side of you and I love it” 

Bucky didn't quite know what to say, he was slightly flustered at the compliments you were throwing at him and by the knowledge that you’d been interested far earlier than he had ever dreamed of. 

“We’re idiots aren’t we? For not realising sooner.” 

“Oh without a doubt”

Tag list:

@iamtheonewhocares @indigo123789 @xpurpleglitter

If you want to be added drop me a message

[numbaoneflaya]

I got a lot for you, you don't have to answer all of these 💀. 2, 4, 8, 21, 35, and 50 for Jilly. 3, 7, 10, 41, and 64 for Valkya. And 6, 7, 14, 25, and 52 for Mike. And a large fry 😁

I FINALLY DID ITTTTTT IM SORRY FOR THE WAIT!! all under the cut bcs ofc its LONG

JILLY

2. What are their favourite possessions? Why? (sentimentality, history, price, etc)

-She has 2 stuffed ferrets shes had since she was little :) she calls them stinker and slinker and she loves them so much. Also a collection of friendship bracelets she pretty much makes matching ones for everyone she likes and wears them in rotation.

4. Are they a good gift-giver? What do they tend to give as gifts? -Jilly LOVES gift giving bcs she naturally hoards and steals shit and then ends up with too much shit, so what better to do with it than give to friends?? You're likely to get anything she can swipe that reminds her of u. Tries to vary it to suit whoever shes giving a gift to but her go to is something like stuffed animals and jewelry bcs thats what she likes best

8. What does their dream house look like?

-She would like an at home gym with giant climbable pillars and hoops and obstacles, or just a house with a lot of land and forest she can run around in. She's also way a fan of hidden passages and secret hiding places, anything she can snoop and weasel around in. No scary basement tho

21. What’s their ideal date like?

-Carnival or theme park! Anything with lots of action and noise and prizes. Shed want to play all the games for hours straight and go on all the biggest rides.

36. Do they trust easily? What would you have to do to earn their trust?

-Yes she trusts easily :/ mayhaps too easily. Her way of thinking is innocent until proven guilty and even then, it takes a looooot to make her start to doubt someone because she wants to believe everyone has good intentions. To earn her trust, being nice to her and other ppl is the easiest way, but she's also prone to trust you if you seem secure somehow or just in charge like a position of authority.

50. Why would they be a good partner for a road trip?

-Snacks. On demand. She packs every snack and drink you could ever hope for and stashes up on blankets and pillows too. The type to wanna play my spy and car games and to sing along really loudly to music. WILL stick her head out the window sometimes. Will want to stop at every roadside attraction. Just for fun the reason she might be a bad roadtrip partner is that she talks a lot. And will be loudly singing and sticking her head out the window. And after a while the car will start to smell vaguely of ferret and she might shed.

--------

VALKYA

3. Do they get jealous easily? If so, what usually causes it?

-Shes really not a jealous person at all, especially not romantically. Shes pretty chill in general. Even so, some times she gets jealous of all the time other people get to spend with Naryu. If Valkya feels like someone else is being prioritized over her shes more likely to act out like a baby ggdghdf

7. What’s their “type”? What romantically attracts them to another person?

-Women who could kill her and men who are pathetic, but shes open to anything. Has a thing for nerds, goths, vampires, werewolves, short people, assassins, and most importantly people who are easy to fluster. She will bone anything that moves

10. What’s a simple thing that brings them joy?

-Finishing a good book, especially a series. When shes not in life threatening danger or fucked up out of her mind shes a pretty avid reader. She likes having the free time to sit around a fireplace and snuggle up with a book, though she'll deny it if caught and say she doesnt know how to read hgfdgsd.

41. What would they dress up as for Halloween?

-Demetria 💀 shed just steal her clothes and stretch TF out of em gsdgdfhsd. Or dress up as herself bcs who needs originality when your famous?

64. Describe what their social media would be like.

- Random memes from the last century all mixed up, millions of selfies and nudes out of nowhere. Drunk posting at 4 am and getting into fights w Dem over dumb shit, subtweeting everyone to start drama. Has thousands of followers and does giveaways of shit she finds lying around her house for no reason but shes bored

-----------------

MIKE

6. Do they prefer to have a big social circle, or a few close friends?

-Shed prefer to have a few close friends as long as they ride or die. Most likely die tho. Shes desperate for frienship shell stalk someone to get to know them really well and then delude herself into thinking theyr besties. Sometimes it doesnt go well but she still gets a meal out of it even if shes sad

7. What’s their “type”? What romantically attracts them to another person?

-Someone who looks like they're up for fun! Really into alt fashion and people who seem like they dont give a shit. Confidence, fighters, rebels, anyone she can party hard with. Likes people who are interesting and is especially interested in befriending other killers, they have so much to bond about!

14. Who do they go to in a crisis/emergency? Any particular reason why they choose that person?

-Probably Zeke tbh. Since she turned him hes like the only other vamp besides prim she knows and hes always pretty level headed. Probably goes to him for advice on how to make friends and hes like “maybe dont break into ppls houses and drain their victims out of nowhere :/” and shes like “that was ONE TIME and it worked!!”

25. What are their dreams like?

-All chaotic! Theres seldom ever a storyline or anything, just bright colors and random things happening and an overlying sense of panic or dread. Like those images you look at to understand what having a stroke is like, everything is off color and melting and shes usually running away from something. Typically nightmares but about nothing in particular, just disconnected sounds shapes and figures.

52. What topic should nobody bring up around them, lest the other person be subject to a massive ramble/rant?

-ANYTHING to do with twilight. She knows everything about it. Has seen and read is 12 times over and can quote it directly at any time, do not attempt to argue twilight with her. Diehard team Edward forever. If your tied up and somehow the topic of it comes up just pray she kills you soon bcs she will go on for hours and bring out her annotated copies and force you to go through them with her.

[cjwallflower]

Marvel Gender Headcanons

because i doubt some of these people are cis

Peter: 

i claim this man for the trans community

he realised he was trans at around present time (15-16 years old)

he knows his family and friends will accept him

he’s still N E R V O U S

but he still wants to be true to his identity

so he wears the trans flag colours!!

Ned obvs catches on, but doesn’t say anything

Tony’s the first one Peter comes out to, bc i’m soft and irondad owns my heart

Tony gets him a spider suit with a binder built in

Peter is absolutely the kind of trans guy who forgets to take off his binder (i’m not projecting what do you mean)

he comes out to his aunt May next, and she breaks out the scissors

the other eventually figure it out, and they accept him immediately

Peter: Hey Clint?

Clint: Yo

Peter: I’m trans

Clint: *takes a gulp of his soda* wig

Peter: ???

they love him though let’s be real

Natasha Punches A Transphobe

someone calls Peter a tr*nny 

Natasha sends them on a one way trip to space :)

Peter absolutely decides to go on T

and he is a handsome!! boy!!

he eventually tells Ned and MJ, and they accept him too

Ned buys him a trans flag

NED BUYS HIM A TRANS FLAG

by the time they’re graduating high school, Peter passes as cis very well

Tony:

i’m claiming Tony as trans too

i promise there’s other gender identities here jdsfhkhsdfkjh

Tony came out in the 80s of all times

we know Howard

it didn’t go over well

Maria didn’t say much about it, but Howard was actively against it

Tony didn’t care at all

he literally snuck out and got a fake ID so he could start on T

Tony was almost 18 at that point, but he still used Howard’s money

just to piss him off

well Howard ended up dying like 3 years later

Maria survived because fuck you

but Tony never ended up getting any surgeries because he ended up getting busy with the company

he just didn’t have time, with all the recovery that goes into it

he’s still on T though!!

mans has tiddies and a beard, the boomers get confused

he tends to keep it more private though

Pepper knows, how could she not?

Pepper is the sole reason Tony survived to adulthood lbr

Peter found out accidentally

Tony got oil on a shirt while fixing one of his machines, and Peter walked in while he had it off

he saw the binder and boyyy was that a surprise

but it totally explained how Tony already knew so much about supporting Peter in his transition

the problem with being an ADHD workaholic?? 

hyperfocusing

when Tony hyperfocuses, he forgets to take off his binder

Jarvis: Sir, you need to take off your binder

Tony: Gimme like five more minutes, I need to finish this

Jarvis: Sir, it’s been 38 hours??

Tony: *already moving onto the next task* What’s your point?

his ribs are so fucked

Pepper and Peter remind him too

my boy is a mess

Thor:

this is solely because my nb loml claimed thor as nb and it’s super fucking valid

i love you babe 🥺

so Thor learned about different genders from Loki

and also from Peter tbh

but Thor LOVED the idea of being in between

it just made him really happy!!

he started using those labels a lot, even though he didn’t know much about what they meant

being on Earth more, he started to learn more about them

mostly because they replaced cops at pride (Peter’s idea)

so Thor decided to learn more

he knew he liked boys, that wasn’t uncommon on Asgard

gender expression was very open, but that blurred the lines a lot for him

when he got to non-binary, it clicked

“oh that sounds like me”

“THATS ME”

he was excited he’d figured it out

his immediate instinct?

he went to tell Loki

the only problem was Loki was asleep

“LOKI LOKI LOKI-”

“what do you wANT-”

“I’M NON-LIBRARY!!”

“WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN-”

it took like ten minutes for Loki to figure out what he meant

Loki was tired give him a break

he just kinda pushed Thor’s face away and went back to sleep

they talked about it again in the morning

after Loki got some coffee he was more receptive

“I accept you, just please stop waking me up at 2 am”

Thor’s just trying his best

he doesn’t know how to be non-binary though

(there is no right way to be enby though)

so Loki tried a few example sentences using they/them pronouns

Thor LOVED it

so now Thor wanted to use they/them pronouns

Loki isn’t a brain cell by any means

but he sure feels like one sometimes

and he’s tired of it

ANYWAYS

Thor announced it to everyone they saw

some people heard it multiple times

“GUYS I’M NON-BINARY!! :D”

they were happy for their thude

and Thor wore an enby flag to their first pride!!

now the protector of the lesbians says non-library rights

Loki:

Loki basically always knew he was genderfluid

it just seemed really obvious to him?

he realised he wasn’t cis when he was 7

he transformed into a girl for fun 

and she was like “oh i like this-”

so she experimented with that

and she fucking loved all of them

so she turned back into a boy and went to Frigga

that’s how he found out about the word genderfluid

so he basically just grew up shapeshifting as much as he wanted

when they eventually went to earth, Loki couldn’t shapeshift as much

after he was redeemed, he still needed to be recognisable so they wouldn’t think he was to pull a fast one on them

he was uncomfy 

Loki stays in his room a lot

he just really doesn’t wanna deal with it

he still shapeshifts in private!

Thor ends up being the one to catch on

but he kinda knows that Loki won’t talk to him

so he sends in the spider child!

Loki and Peter have a pretty close bond

so on one of the nights they hang out, it’s a she/her day

and Loki just kinda snapped and went on a bit of a rant

and she ended up coming out to Peter

Loki totally didn’t end up crying what do you mean

she just needs a hug

obvs Peter was accepting

he gave her that hug don’t worry

this was all on a rooftop eating bad street food jhshkfhjfkhkd

he did ask if he could tell the others, and Loki reluctantly agreed

yeah, the others felt kinda bad

so they ended up compromising!!

Loki could shapeshift, but not into other people 

and she could wear whatever she wanted

they also gave her bracelets so she could express her pronouns

its a long road

and it takes a long time to build trust

but Loki really does appreciate Thor and Peter’s efforts

Bucky:

trans enby rights. send tweet

let’s jump back to 1930s

Bucky was transitioning before the war

he had the surgeries and was on T

Steve was the only one who really knew 

it was right when HRT was starting to become a thing

he was one of the first people to try it

and it worked pretty well!

Bucky passed easily after ~2 years on T

but then he died

RIP Bucky :(

when he comes back as a Hydra agent, they use T supplements to make his body stronger

“Jokes on you, I like that shit”

yeah no the others end up rescuing him from there

but Bucky still takes T

everyone is a bit worried about it

they think he’s still under Hydra’s control

Steve has to explain it (with Bucky’s permission)

but Bucky really starts feeling a disconnect with being a male

it’s mostly due to the trauma from Hydra

he knows he’s not a girl anymore

but he hates the idea of being a boy now

so he has no idea what he is

he ends up drawing the parallel between himself and Thor

but Bucky still sees some masculinity in Thor, which confuses him a LOT

Bucky’s always confused lbr

so he ends up finding the term Agender

and he understands it!! and likes it!!

he’s too nervous to tell the others, so he writes sentences using they/them pronouns

“Their name is Bucky Barnes”

“Bucky is tired, they need a nap”

“Bucky’s best friend is Steve. They’ve known Steve since the beginning”

Bucky is WAY happier with they/them pronouns

the problem is they don’t know how to communicate that

even to Steve, they’re just nervous

Steve ends up finding the paper, which now has over 100 sentences

so the next time they’re alone, Steve brings it up, and after a little bit of avoiding answering, Bucky tells him about it

Steve is super accepting 🥺

“Do you want me to tell the others for you?”

“Yes please, I have no idea what I’m doing-”

“I don’t think any of us do”

so Steve lets the others know, and they start using they/them pronouns

Bucky’s IMMEDIATELY so much happier

i just think they’re neat-

MJ:

MJ isn’t cis, fuck you

MJ is a demigirl

and no one even figured it out for the longest time

she kinda groups herself on the more non-binary side

Peter finds out because someone calls her by they/them pronouns

“MJ?? Are you?? Non-binary??”

“Nope”

“Are you still a girl??” 

“Nope”

after like 20 mins Peter figures it out

and boy is he confused

“Why didn’t you just say it?”

“I couldn’t. Gotta keep ‘em on their toes”

“Who??”

“:)”

the M in MJ stands for mystery

anyways!!

she switches from lesbian to the term Trixic (NBLW)

MJ goes to pride with Peter and Ned that year

MJ gets a girlfriend there!!

she comes out to her girlfriend upfront. she doesn’t feel like waiting

yeah she gets intense

she gets it from her moms

who can blame her

MJ sometimes wears a binder

she wore one on the first day of school, because Peter was nervous about being out (he’d come out over the summer)

MJ will punch transphobes and homophobes

even just for fun tbh

but she won’t do it immediately

she heard someone make a comment about Ned and his boyfriend and waited a few days

and then came out of nowhere

B O N K

the douchebag kinda knew why though 

in conclusion, MJ is elite

[noro-noro-noro]

had a dream that was in multiple parts but i decided to go back to sleep instead of writing the first ones down, so here’s the summary of the last one: ostracized by people i used to know & then people i hate show up. so generally unpleasant.

kengan characters were in the first one again as usual. anyway as for the dream i remember, I was doing another long road trip driving my college friends to the beach. some of my highschool friends were there too, but just the ones i don’t talk to anymore. & i wasn’t even driving them normally, i was like riding a bike (which id on’t know how to do in real life) & puling a car with them all in it behind me. it took us so long to get there. even though the beach is only like 2 hours away it was like a 6 hour drive somehow, long enough for it to start raining & it for to be nighttime. it was really scary because, again, i don’t know how to drive a bike & now it’s raining & i don’t even know how to stop & last time i was on a motorbike i went to the hospital & i have trauma around this that prevents me from using any kind of thing with handbrakes bc it freaks me out. 

anyway after we finally got to the hotel, they all ditched me to go walk down to the baech, which pissed me off like i’m not moving your fucking luggage bitches! you can rot. decided to go catch up with everyone anyway. the beach was kind of weird -it was like a channel at first maybe 6 feet wide & the water was a little gross since it was right nex to a car wash & there was a fence dividing this channel/pool area from the actual ocean, which was maybe 10 feet away on the toher side. the weird channel opened up into a pool that was also at the bottom of a stadium. it was like a bunch of isolated hot tubs for hanging out with your friends i guess? they could also lift out of the ground& spin like a teacup ride. 

my friends were all chilling in the closest one to the bottom of the attached pic so i joined them. i remember vividly this girl amanda who used to b my bestie in highschool before we stopped talking when we went to diff colleges was there wearing a cream colored knitted cardigan into the pool & i was like dang isn’t that weird? some of the other people i used to sit with at lunch were all there. anyway for some reason we all started like BELTING the fortnite song got a number one victory royale yeah fortnite we bout to get down (Get down!) etc etc. after that everyone in the surrounding areas were staring at us. after that everyone started ignoring me & i was like ok.......so i got out of hte pool planning on just going home & letting them find their own way back.  

the walkway next to the pools area was simultaneously inside & outside. thats where i was.

& THEN as if shit wasn’t weird enough, my ex & ex roommate showed up & I was like ok :/ & for some fucking reason i decided ot hang out with them instead of leave immediately??? & we played games on his stupid fucking switch addon that has like 3 million games & i was like why are we playing fucking macaraoni quackie. why aren’t we playing towerfall or something i still main the cyan archer. & then i was like WHY am i still sitting in the hotel hallway playing genuinely awful switch games with the two people i hate most in the universe ??? & i stood up to go. then i woke up. 

[barbarasbae]

Just a Taste-Californiacation

Part Seven of Just a Taste

Vampire!Billy Hargrove x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 1.4k

Warnings: emotions, fluffy af 

Road trip!

“What?” He asked incredulously. “We’re going to Santa Cruz. I really hope you have a map in the car.”

“Why?” 

“Why what?” She glanced over at him. “Why are we going to Santa Cruz?” 

“We’re gonna figure out how the hell to reverse this.” She said, gesturing to him and turned the heat up. “Okay, but why?”

“I like you, Billy.” She said, biting her lip. He would have blushed if he could. He squeezed her knee tighter. “I like you too.” He whispered. She let him turn up the music, reaching down to hold his hands when they were alone on a long stretch of road. Billy chattered about what he liked to do in Santa Cruz before he was turned into a vampire, telling her about the boardwalk and the gorgeous blue surfboard he used to own. It was now 3 am and Y/n pulled into a gas station. “Want me to drive from here?” 

“Sure. I can’t guarantee I’m gonna stay awake though.”

“It’s okay.” He decided to get gas while she went to the bathroom. She bought two water bottles and set them in the middle console when she got back. Billy drove for the majority of the next day, Y/n waking up at 11 am when they were about an hour away from the Iowa-Nebraska border. “Where are we?”

“Denison, Iowa.” She nodded, laughing at the growl her stomach suddenly let out. “I forgot about eating.” They stopped at a burger joint on the state line, Y/n groaning and reaching over the table to wipe his face. “I swear you’re doing this to spite me.” 

“Maybe.” She rolled her eyes, Billy smiling. “Do you actually like eating food?” 

He shrugged. “This is probably as close as I wanna get. You want my fries?”

“Sure.” She took them in the car, offering to drive the next leg of the trip. She was honestly surprised when he did. As they drove into Wyoming, the time change started getting to her a little. “This is the day that’s never gonna end.” 

“We’re driving into the sun.” He commented, looking out the window. “Look more cows. Wow.” 

“At least you have something besides concrete to look at.”  

They played the license plate game until it became unbearably boring as they slowly all became Utah plates. They reach Nevada by 8 pm (because of pit stops), Y/n having eaten about three full things of M&Ms, Billy on hamburger number four (he hadn’t drank human blood in weeks and it was getting to him). They stopped at a motel, Y/n passing out basically the second her body hit the dingy comforter. Billy took her shoes off and climbed into the bed with her, curling around her. He held her to his chest, her shifting closer to him in her sleep. 

Billy wakes up at 3 am and drinks the blood of a guy that got kicked out of a bar nearby for being disorderly (no, he didn’t kill him). He sits in the motel and watches crappy tv until Y/n wakes up at 5 am. “I’ll drive today.” She trudges out to the car, bag in hand, having changed into a sweatshirt instead of the bulkier winter clothes she’d been wearing when they left Hawkins. She fell asleep about 20 minutes into the drive, Billy smiling as he looked over at her every few minutes. “Watch the road, creep.” She teased him, blinking awake. “Sorry, you’re too distracting. You snore like a fucking lawn mower.”

“I snore?” Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

 “Nah.” About three hours later, she was starting to fidget. “Gotta pee.” She mumbled, Billy finding a gas station. He refilled his tank, both using the opportunity to use the bathroom. She grabbed them both a breakfast sandwich, as well as a coffee for herself and jerky for Billy. She handed it to him, Billy kissing her cheek so casually she almost dropped her coffee. “When do you think we’ll get there?” She asked as they got back on the interstate. He shrugged. “Three ish.” He was right. They crossed into California at 11ish, getting lunch about an hour later in Sacramento. She looked tired, Billy wondering what they were gonna get themselves into. 

They got to Santa Cruz a little earlier, Billy may or may not have gone 10-20 miles over the speed limit the last hour of the trip. “What do we do now?” She asked him, knowing they most likely couldn’t check into a motel for another hour or two. “Wanna go to the beach?” They found themselves in a surf shop, buying towels and swimsuits. She got sunscreen and flip flops, Billy renting a surfboard. They ate tacos from a food truck on the beach while sitting on the towels, the surfboard resting in the sand next to them. Billy thought she looked cute, her wearing her sweatshirt over the swimsuit. “What if we just stayed?” He asked, watching a wave break on the sandbar. “We can’t.” Her voice was muffled by the taco. “Why not? We’ve got each other? We can work odd jobs, get an apartment-”

“Billy, we’re not even dating. I can’t tell you yes just to be left behind...And I’d miss my family.” Billy only really had Max and Susan. Neil was scared of him, even if he did still try to beat the crap out of him. Billy sighed. His hand found hers on the towel, resting it over hers. “I’m sorry.” He poked at the sand. “I get it. I just might not go back with you.” She nodded, wiping her face with the back of her sleeve. “I’m...I’m gonna go call my mom.” She got up, sniffling, walking to the boardwalk and finding a pay phone. “Hey mom, it’s Y/n.”

“Oh, hi sweetie. Are you having fun at Logan’s house?”

“That’s why I’m calling you. I’m not at Logan’s.”

“Where are you?”

“Santa Cruz...California.” She admitted with a wince, knowing she was about to get screamed at. She preemptively held the phone a little farther from her ear. “YOU ARE WHERE?”

“California.”

“WHY THE HELL ARE YOU THERE?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

“I’m sorry.” She whimpered, looking back to the beach to see Billy was gone. “My friend was having a really hard time and I really wanted to help them get away. I’m sorry. I’ll tell you everything when I get home, Okay?” She heard her mom sigh. “Okay. Please just be safe, sweetie, alright? I’m not really mad, I just wish you hadn’t lied to me about this.”

“I will be. I’m sorry mom.” She walked back to the beach, sitting on the towel before properly breaking down. She tried to calm herself, seeing Billy pretty far out in the water, paddling towards a big wave. When Billy comes back, the sun is still beating down on them. She was curled up on the towel, sweatshirt abandoned due to the heat. He smiled. Cute. “Babe.”

“...”

“Baby.”

“...what?”

“Whatcha doing?” She sat up slowly, thankful the blond boy was blocking out the sun. “Sleeping off all those hours in the car.” He looked up to check the clouds. “Wanna get in the water?” She nodded and got up, her face a little warm from a light sunburn. A squeal left her mouth as he threw her over his shoulder and ran into the water. He dropped her in, laughing as she stood up, sputtering. She pushed him, Billy falling on his ass. They both laughed, her helping him up. He pulled her close, leaning down like he was wanted to kiss her. She turned her head a moment before he could, holding his shoulders and jumping. He caught her just in time for a shoulder high wave to wash over them. “Oh my GOD that was cold.” He snorted, shaking his head. She reached up and pushed wet curls out of his face, looking at his face hard. “What?”

“You have freckles. They’re cute.” 

“Thanks.” He bit his lip. They stayed in the water a little longer, Billy deciding he needed to return the surfboard before he forgot. Y/n changed in a public bathroom, frustrated with the sand that never seemed to fully come off. She pulled on shorts she had bought earlier in the surf shop and her sweatshirt back on. She met him by the car, having pulled her hair out of her face. “Ready to go find dinner?” She nodded and climbed in, the pair finding a motel to stay in and then went for dinner. Billy ate yet another burger, Y/n deciding to try something new (she was getting sick of greasy burgers). “Oh my god did you just wipe your face?” She asked, teasing the blond. He groaned. “Okay maybe I do have manners. Sue me.”

“I plan on it.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Please send me an ask or a dm if you would like to be tagged in Just a Taste/added to any other tag list 

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@helena-way07

[softforcal]

Writing Tips

I get a lot of asks about tips on writing so i figured i’d just make a huge ass post for ya’ll :)

this shit covers: character, plot, motivation, past vs present tense, 3rd vs 1st verson, oneshots vs multi chapter fics, moodboards for character building, dialogue, oc’s vs reader inserts, face claims, the grocery store test, the meme test

Character

okay i want to start by saying: i used to write imagines so writing in character was like MY THING for like 6 years so i have a LOT OF PRACTICE with watching something and picking up on characters and i’ve spent THOUSANDS of hours watching shows. so like, i’ve spent a lot of time on this you know? so don’t feel bad if you have a life and havent had as much practice :)

so at the moment, i’ve been doing character mood boards to help figure out a character? but the thing about that is im picky about face claims and it can be hard so this is an easily skippable option and i’m not even sure if i enjoy it yet you know?

so first: i think of a story. i think of the type of OC that’s involved, i think about what they’re like, (i sometimes find a face claim), i give them a name

for me, as soon as they have a name and sort of a face in my brain, they take on a life of their own. a character knows when you’ve found the right name and face for it and it comes alive when you do. like for me, Birdie was originally ‘Cherry’ but she was like ‘bitch no’ and wouldn’t let me write her until i found her name.

to be honest. i don’t plan things. like. when i write, the character just takes over. i have no control. they do what they want. fucking Valentina and Harry in Trouvaille, i had a whole angst scene for them and these assholes decided to go on the terrace and tell each other they like each other instead and then the story just ended. like. i had a pLAN and they RUINED IT.

you can’t be afraid if letting your characters do what they want to do. when you plot, a loose outline is good but i just throw my characters into a situation and see where they go.

like for my final gang au chapter, did i want Michael to leave town? no. but he needed to take Dove and get the fuck out of there you know?

i don’t make playlists really, sometimes certain songs stick to people, like one of my characters, his song right now is Girlfriend by Anderson East and that song was sort of inspiration.

I don’t know where my inspiration comes from. obviously i write a FUCK ton so let me see if i can explain a few past stories and where they came from.

Gang AU was born from a post by @hereforlukescruff​ about the song ‘Or Nah.’

Cromulent was based off a tumblr post about enemies fake dating

Wild one was legit just me figuring out how to work all of @glitterprincelu​s fav things into one fic

Floral was based off of looking at my favourite tattoo artists floral tattoos

Trouvaille was originally pompous New York! Calum but as i developed it, it was Harry and i couldn’t stop him from pushing Cal out of the way and being like ‘this is my apartment you wanker get the fuck out of here and let me smoke and paint in peace.’

Noise was originally based off an idea by @palliddark​ that i was blessed enough to receive, she also had influence in Cromulent because months ago she requested a post about the boys recording having sex for a song.

So i think what we’re realizing here is a lot of it comes through interacting with other creators. one of my new pieces is based off of 2 5sos songs and one is based off of a person in Love Island. so inspo can hit from anywhere

the fic im working on now came from me talking to @harryforvogue​ about the new Gucci ads Harry did.

i started a Greaser Cal that i dropped cuz im a whore, but it was inspired by @calsangel​ and hopefully it gets completed sometime soon

like. talking to other creative people is just a breeding pool for ideas. people you trust and love, people who you can bounce off of. listen for stories in music, study people and characters and who knows where it might lead you :)

i hope this helps. but yeah. my number one piece of advice: talk about writing, talk about stories, talk about the guys you want to write about and inspo WILL hit.

also to all the people i have tagged i hope you know how much you guys mean to me. like. i really appreciate all you guys do and how much support you’ve given me and continue to give me. i hope i can offer the same support in return and i love you all with my whole heart.

****** Moodboard and Character (final thoughts)

So basically since i wrote that OG advice, i’ve begun to realize: moodboards are a good tool because if you can easily come up with 9 pics for a character they’re pretty well thought out. 

for example, my easiest moodboard to make was for Birdie in my gang au

Birdie: likes scrunchies, reading, classic stories, ice cream, bubblegum, lollipops, acrylic nails, having her hair in a bun

my worst moodboard was for a character named Annabelle from Noise

i started and was like... who is Annabelle: she’s blonde... she uhhhh is doing psychology?

and that’s all i could get because Annabelle was a mostly dialogue driven character with no actual mentioned likes or dislikes, in my eyes, Annabelle was not a well thought out character.

so moodboards can help because they show you how well you’ve got your characters figured out.

******

Plot

so plot is tough. i tend to gravitate more to character driven plot because characters are my #thing. i’m going to start by going through some of my plotlines and going over the good and bad and hopefully have an answer at the end of it after picking apart my writing. should be FUN.

long fic plots

Noise plot: Annabelle gets a new neighbour and he keeps fucking girls and waking her up and they have banter, he’s a hothead and invites her to psychoanalyze him and it leads to some tension but he is soft for her right away and they a little awkward with each other but finally give love a try.

Floral plot: would renowned tattoo artist Calum chooses a new apprentice, socially awkward and anxious Lily, they’re attracted to each other but the confines of a boss and pupil relationship are tight and evident, creating tensions. Calum struggles with being professional while falling for the cute apprentice, especially when pressure is put on them by their friends, after slow burn and anxiousness they finally get together.

Cromulent plot: Calum has a new PR relationship with Chlo and he hates her, he thinks she’s fake and does everything he can to piss her off, finally deciding to fuck with her emotions by being a GREAT boyfriend which ends up hurting her and he realizes maybe she’s not so bad after all, things are a little confusing but they finally sit down and talk it out and address some of Calum’s insecurities about her past relationships and PR stunts, they agree to give love a try.

so, from these 3 long fic outlines we can see i usually go for character based turmoil which works well for fics between 10-15k (or longer, Trouvaille fits this format and it was 19k) I just think, relationships take time and people struggle to figure themselves out enough to enter a relationship. if you have some fiery characters and banter (Cromulent and Noise) or perhaps awkward anxiety and tip toeing (Floral and Trouvaille) shit works out you know?

for smaller oneshot fics plots can be easier and more situational i think.

Movie Snack plot : Cal goes to Luke and his GF’s place for movies and Luke gets bored and eats the reader out in front of Cal which leads to sex.

Road Trip plot : Luke and reader are dating and on a road trip they’re horny but end up having to share a room with Cal who has always had a thing for the reader, smut ensues. 

Stay Still plot : Tattooist!Cal is the readers fuck buddy and she goes to get her tits pierced, ending up with Luke as her piercer, but Calum shows up and angst leads to smut.

so yeah, for smaller 1-5k little smut pieces it can be more relaxed, smut is just smut, not love, and sex is a hell of a lot easier than love you know? 

yeah, so that’s all my plot advice

*********

3rd person, 1st person, what the fuck person

when it comes to HOW you write your fic (what person, what tense, etc...) that’s up to you. it’s honestly whatever you feel best in. i’ve dabbled with a bit of everything. you just have to find what feels the most natural to you :) that’s the only advice i can give on this because no one thing is better than the other, it’s up to you.

one tip for 3rd person i have is to generally focus on one character. i’m a fan of doing the thing where for example, in Cromulent, we focus on Calum and why he doesn’t like Chlo. if we switched to Chlo a lot it would take away from the unreliable narration and bias Calum has. the good thing is to stay with Calum and be angry at Chlo and realize with Cal that she’s not so bad.

but that’s just me.

you can do switching when characters are together or on a phone call, like if you’re with Calum but he’s calling (for example) Chlo and then you want to see her reaction you can do

Calum groaned, staring at the ceiling, “bla bla cal saying shit”

“bla bla Chlo answering” she held the phone tighter etc...

and just like that you’re now with Chlo not Calum. 

*********** OC’s vs Reader Insert

i’ll be real here: for some reason, i feel like reader inserts are more read on tumblr and i started out doing reader inserts to build a following. 

personally, i prefer writing OC’s because you can go more in depth with EVERYTHING. 

it’s honestly up to you what you want to do. i’ve decided to do my short smuts at reader insert and longer fics as OC but it’s whatever works for you at the end of the day.

***********

Dialogue

I’m a fan of dialogue driving story, Noise was so much fucking dialogue it’s insane. finding your characters voice is important and sticking with that makes a huge difference. if you’re character can kind of be seen based JUST on what they’re saying, thats a good sign.

i hate to say it but imma say it: when doing 5sos it’s important to know they’re Australian. some countries have different mannerisms and such, for example, i’m Canadian but i can’t have Calum out here saying “it’s a nice day eh?” you know? so, i would advise to try to get a handle on accents and word choice specifically to make them more believable. as is said in the iconic movie Tropic Thunder 

***********

Motivation

so this is probably one of the biggest issues writers are facing and i’m about to get REAL AS FUCK.

on tumblr, it can feel like once you gain a following you CONSTANTLY need to be pumping shit out for them.

back in the day, i was posting a HC a day and a lot of it was for hogwarts!5sos. it felt like a job, which wasn’t anyone elses doing per se, i just think a lot of fic writers get caught up in this pressure whether it’s imposed by anons or not (im lucky that i’ve never had anon pressure and i’m very grateful for my amazing followers tbh)

Tumblr is not a job. if you’re writing, write for you. you are blessing tumblr with you’re writing. please don’t feel pressure to put stuff out or write a new chapter or anything.

if you ever feel like you’re under a lot of pressure, take a few days away, find the root of your writing joy. always do what you want to do. if you have to turn off asks to feel sane, do it. if you gotta block mean anons pressuring you, do it. you don’t owe anyone anything.

your writing is a gift graciously bestowed on this hellsite and this site shouldn’t make you feel pressured to write and give content FOR FREE. it shouldn’t make you lose your passion and make writing feel like a chore or job.

motivation can be hard. i’m a fucking psycho so don’t use me as a base for what you should be doing. i put out a fic a week which i really shouldn’t be doing, it’s not practical. but i can type fast as fuck and writing 1 or 2k in 10 minutes is normal for me so don’t use me as an example you know.

go at your own pace. write what you love. write au’s or for the characters you love and hopefully the rest will come.

******** Multi Chapter vs oneshots

ok more realness, pros and cons of each

oneshots:

pros:

-its one and done, no need to worry about putting out more

-they can be fun

-it’s all in one place which a lot of readers like

Cons:

-can be long af

-take longer to write since a oneshot is probably like 10+k depending on who you are as opposed to perhaps 5k chapters of a multi chapter fic 

Multi Chapter

pros:

-people are excited for more

-cliffhangers are fun

-people interact with you more about chapters to come

cons:

-more pressure to put out new chapters

-with each new chapter you’re probably losing likes because people get bored or forget about it because people sometimes don’t have the attention span or whatever to continue reading whenever you update

-usually tend to be longer than a oneshot (5k chapters means that in 2 chapters you have probably surpasses a oneshot length of 10ishk)

So i will be real. i prefer oneshots. i adore my gang au which was long as fuck and super multi chaptered but it’s tough to see the likes go down and down. plus, i wrote all of Penumbra (the main multi chaptered part) before i started putting it out so i had no pressure to write more cuz that shit was done before i started posting.

which does help. if you want to write the whole thing before you start posting it takes off the first con but you’re still left with the other 2. 

**********

Face Claims

i feel like for some characters they’re born without a face claim but i totally get it if you want to use a face claim before you even start. finding face claims can be hard so you have to get ready to go creep on insta and look at models and figure out who you like. a lot of insta models follow each other so once you find a model you like, look through their following list or recent likes to see other models.

another thing you can do is go for brands or photographers who link their models. Fashion Nova for example, if you’re scrolling through and like a girl the link is there. and the same goes for some photographers. there’s a lot of accounts that are just for hot girls with links to their instas so (even if it feel weird) you should go check those out :)

******

The Grocery Store Test

next, for making characters, i think for me name is a big part of it. once a character finds their name that character comes alive in my mind. i was thinking about this yesterday and i said to myself, ‘you know you have a good grasp on your character when you can imagine them in a grocery store and know what they’d do.’

for example:

Birdie (from Gang AU) would go look at nail polish and candy, Luke would legit have to put her in the cart to get her out of there and if there’s a book section? good luck man

Valentina (trouvaille) is just gorgeous. she and Harry would go and he’d push the cart and she’d have a nicely written notepad of things to get and she’d look so pretty, head bowed, crossing things off, and Harry would be such a melt for her. he would crash into things cuz he’s so busy paying attention to her. she’d be a fan of picking up boxes and reading out nutritional values just to point out to Harry that eggos are not good for him.

so, Valentina and Birdie are probably my best OC’s if i’m being honest and because of that, these were easy.

now, take a character i didn’t work on as much and suddenly it’s different

Annabelle (noise) never really talked about anything but school and shitting on Calum so, i mean, i guess i can think of what she’d do in a store but.. like, i’d have to think about it you know?

so to me, we can see the difference between a fully fledged OC and one that needs to be worked on.

but, Noise still got a lot of likes so i dunno, i’m just self critical i guess.

i think, when it comes to characters, everyone has flaws. Annabelle is too critical of Calum and has a stigma about wealth, Valentina… she’s flawless not gonna lie but she’s a little too afraid of stepping on other people’s toes and she should probably be less anxious, Birdie is way too sentimental and cries over everything, plus she’s way too trusting and naive at times.

it’s balance. but once a character is born in your brain, you just gotta give them love and hopefully others will as well :)

*****

The Meme Test

my most recent advice is: if you can meme a character or dynamic between characters, you know you’re gucci. imma leave a meme here for a fic i’m working on and ya’ll will have no clue what it means but whatever it’s a point

*****

so hopefully this has answered any questions you have. this is all just my opinion and if you disagree with what i’ve said thats chill. at the end of the day this is what works for me and i urge you to find what works for you. there’s no one clear way to write.

good luck writer bubs :) 

[a-kayy47]

Learning to Live

I never knew how to be on my own until it was the only option I had. My childrens father had pushed me past my limits. I had let a lot slide in our relationship of the last 7 years, the drugs, the cheating, the occasional beatings, but when I came home and find him in OUR bed with his little tart of a girlfriend and drugs in the house I was officially done! That was our one agreement nothing was to come into our home and be around the kids. I silently thanked God for never letting me marry that man. As soon as I walked in and saw that I calmly turned and walked out and into my daughter's room and started packing her stuff. "Anna she doesnt mean anything to me!" Johnny said as he entered Rayne's room. I scoffed "Isn't that what they all say, Johnny you know Im not even mad anymore. We haven't loved each other in a long time and the only reason I've stayed is because I never thought I could make it on my own. But being on my own would never be as bad as watching the father of your children and a man thats supposed to love you do this right in front of you're face." I said folding Rayne's clothes and putting them in her duffle bag. "Come on dont do this! The kids won't understand." Johnny said grabbing my arm and trying to pull me up. "Let go of me Johnny!" I seethed. "You're not taking my kids away from me!" He said tightening his grip on my arm. "Like you spend time with them anyway." I remarked which earned me a backhand to the face. "Go ahead Johnny slap me around some more it wouldnt be the first time, but it'll sure as fuck be the last!" I said through gritted teeth. That earned me a black eye and a bust lip along with a few cracked ribs I'm sure of. After he was done he gotdressed and left for his afternoon shift like nothing ever happened.

Setting against my daughters bed holding my newly brused ribs all I could do was laugh, how could I be so foolish to stay in a relationship with someone like this for so damn long! I had no more tears to cry. I pulled myself up off the floor and went back to packing my daughter's duffle bag, if I wanted to have our stuff packed by the time the kids got home from school I only had a couple hours. I finished packing Rayne's duffle bags and set them by the top of the steps and moved to Jameson's room to start packing his. After I got everything packed I carried the 6 bags down to the garage and packed them into my Tahoe. After putting the bags into the suv, I went and sat on the front steps waiting for the kids to get off the bus.

Three o'clock rolled around and the bus stopped in front of the house. I watched my two beautiful babies get off and run full force towards me. "Hey momma" Jameson my seven year old greeted me as he sat down beside me. "Hey babies how was your day?" I asked trying to be as normal as I could before I completely up rooted their lives. "Good. Momma whats wrong with your eye?" My 5 year old daughter Rayne asked. She's always been the one to notice the little things "Let's go inside babe and I'll explain everything." I told them getting myself up letting out a wince from my ribs being moved.

"What's going on momma?" Rayne asked. Jameson and her looking intensely at me. "I hate to do this to you babies but...we have have to leave. There is a lot about your dad that you don't know and momma feels that this isn't a safe place for you anymore. So we're going to go on a little roadtrip." I told them holding back tears and trying to make this 'little roadtrip' fun. "Where we going?" Jameson asked. "Where do you guys wanna go?" "Let's go see Aunt Brit!" Rayne said excitedly. "Yeah, I miss her and we havent seen her since she lived in Georgia and thats been like 2 years ago." Jameson replied giving me puppy dog eyes. "Well I guess I could give her a call and shee where she living now and if she'd be up for some company for a while." I told the kids. "Yayyy!" The kids high fived and celebrated with each other. "Okay, Now I already packed your clothes so go grab whatever else you want to bring and put it in the duffle bag that's laying on top of your beds. And remember we wont be coming back here for a very long time so get the stuff you absolutely cant live without. While you guys do that I'll call Aunt Brit." I told them and they scurried up the stairs.

Setting at the bottom of the stairs I dialed Britni's number. After three rings I get an answer. "Hello" Brit greets me. "Hey B how ya been?" I asked almost on the brink of tears. Britni and I haven't talk for a couple years ever since she found out about me knowing that Johnny was cheating on me and using drugs to her I was a fucking idiot and derserved better and she wasn't going to sit around and watch it happen. Good thing she didn't know about the occasional beatings. "Annie?! That you?" She asks halfing yelling. "Yeah it's me, this a bad time?" I ask. "Absolutely not! Let me step out of the garage so I can hear ya better. So what's up? How's the kids?" "They're good. But I do have a favor to ask." I tell her getting straight to the point. "Sure, anything for you and those babies!" She told me. "I'm leaving Johnny and I have no where to go." I muttered out feeling ashamed that it's took this long for me to leave. "Baby girl you know you and those kiddos always have a place with me. I'm just glad you finally left that basturd! I'm working at a garage out in Cali and got a two bedroom apartment just around the corner from the shop. You come on out babygirl I got you!" She told me which brought a smile to my face. Knowing that someone that isn't even related to me could be there for me at the drop of a hat. But then again she always has been since kindergarten. " Thank you so much. You don't even know how thankful I am!" I told her. "Shut your mouth bitch and get your ass out here I miss you and the squrits!" Britni said chuckling. "As soon as they come down from packing toys I'll be on the road! We miss you too something fierce." I told her hearing footsteps coming down the stairs. "Okay, I'll text you the address to the shop cause I'm here 75% of the time." She said inhaling sharply. I figured she was taking a smoke break while talking to me. "Awesome love you babe see you soon!" I told her standing up and turning around to see the kids standing there holding their backpacks ready to go. "Love you to babe. I gotta get back to work keep checking in through." She told me sternly. "Promise." I told her and we ended the call.



"Well babes it sounds like we're heading to California!" I told the kids laughing seeing their jaws drop. They've never been further than Georgia and that was the last trip we took. "That's clear across the country!" Jameson explained. "It sure is baby we have a very long trip ahead of us." I told them walking towards the garage. Coming from West Virginia to California was about a 40 hour drive with no stopping. "Alrighty do you have everything you need or want?" I asked one last time before we got settled in the car to start our journey. "Yepp we got everything momma." Rayne answered. "Let's get buckled in then and get going."

By now it was already 5 o'clock and we haven't even left the county. I figured we better stop and fill up with gas and get some snacks and about 10 ice coffees if I was going to drive through the night. By the time we got back on the road I received a text from Brit with the address of the auto shop she was working. Brit may be a bit ditzy but there was one thing that bitch was good at an that was fixing cars. She had the life that I had always wanted. Getting to travel all over, not being tied down, now don't get me wrong I love my kids to death and would go to war for them but it was never in my agenda to have two kids and an a steady boyfriend at 25 but there I was watching my best friend living the life I had always wanted.

After about the fifth hour of being on the road the kids was fast asleep and that gave me time to drown in my thought. Was I really doing this? Where the hell had I grew the balls to leave? I'm on my own rasing two kids. I'm going to be alone forever, no man in his right mind will ever want a plus size single mom with baggage. I mean I'm not huge at least I don't think so but after having two kids and a love for some good food I'm about a good 16,18 jeans of course my big ol' ass and hips takes up most of the room. And if I do say so myself I've got a pretty nice full rack, and have two full sleeves of tattoos which I've always got compliments on. That and my long black hair with my olive complexion is what first attracted Johnny to me. Wait fuck Johnny dont think about that prick. After that thought is when I turned on my favorite station and started to drown out my thoughts.

Stevie Nicks' voice filled the vehicle and pushed all the negitive thoughts out of my head making me focus on her voice and the road. After another 3 hours of driving I decided it was probably a good idea to stop and get a hotel room for the rest of the night.

Pulling into the rundown motel parking lot, I looked back at my two sleeping kids and thanked the lord of giving me such wonderful blessings even though their dad was a dick, they was perfect. Getting out of the car I opened Jameson's door first and gentley nudged him awake. "Wake up baby." I whispered. "Mommy where are we?" Rayne asked waking up rubbing her eyes along with Jameson. "We're at a motel somewhere in Missouri." I told them unbuckling Jameson then moving to Rayne. None of us slept well in that shitty motel but it was better than nothing. The next morning around 10 we got back on the road. I drove for about 12 hours straight that day and only pulling over at a truck stop to sleep. It wasn't that I was really watching my money since I had been saving all of my tips from the salon for the last 12 months for this trip and working at one of the best salons in three county I made bank. It was the fact that I couldn't sleep in hotels, everytime I would fall asleep I would wake back up thinking that Johnny had found us. Not that he would come for me but he'd come for the kids. This driving for 8 sleeping for 8 had become a routine for us for the last couple of days. And was working pretty well.

After four days of driving and sleeping at trucks stops we was finally in Navada. "Alright kids, you can get unbuckled let's go in and get some snacks!" I told them as I got out. Walking in the the gas station I noticed about four bikes on the opposite side of the gas pump's and smiled it had been so long since I'd been on the back of a bike.

"Okay, now you can get whatever you want but remember you have to eat good food before your candy." I told the kids. As they went picking out their snacks I grab a bottle of water and a blue powerade. When I gathered the kids up I noticed two of the bikers were standing in front of us in line. 'Sons of Anarchy' I thought to myself taking in the kutte. Hearing a Scottish accent they drew my interest more, making me think of Brit she was always a sucker for a man with an accent especially a Scottish one. I watched as the men payed for their gas and cigarettes and walked back out to their bike.

Putting our stuff on the counter for the cashier to ring up and prepaying for gas I handed her cash and picked up our bag.

I got the kids settled into their seat and the snacks passed out then I went to pumping gas still kind of being to nosy for my own good. I couldn't help it though there was something about those bikers that drew me in. As I was eavesdropping I heard the sexiest voice I have EVER heard. Peaking over the pump to see where that husky voice was coming from I looked into the darkest eyes I've ever seen and from that moment on I was hooked. All I got was a subtle wink and I was weak in the knees. I finished pumping and got back into the car and immediately called Brit to tell her about this dark eyed mystery man.

000000000000000

"Talk to me. " Brit answered after the third ring. "Holy Shit I think I'm in love!" I said with a smile on my face. "What the fuck are you talking about? You smoking again?" She asked full out laughing. "Bitch this ain't funny I'm dead serious! We locked eyes over the gas pump, his eyes were so dark it was like he was looking straight to my soul!" I told her with excitement. Good thing the kids had their headphones on so they couldn't hear me gushing about this mystery man. "Chick you really are sex deprived aren't you." She replied to the statement. "Yes but thats beside the point, Im fucking serious. Plus he was with a MC, had Sons of Anarchy on his kutte, along with the other three that was with him. And his friend had an Scottish accent so I can bang dark eyes you bang the scot!" I said acting like we was in highschool again making a plan on how to bang these random guys we didnt even know. All I heard on the other like was Holy Shit and Britni laughing hysterically. "Whats so funny bitch?" I asked "Was you in Navada when you seen these guys?" She asked me. "Yeah why?" I replied confused as to how she knew that. "You'll see when you get here horndog." She said laughing and then hung up. I looked at my phone disgusted. What the fuck was this bitch talking about? Now not only can I not get this mystery man out of my head but now Im thinking about what I'll have awaiting me when we get there.

- In Charming

Brit's POV

Hanging up with Annie all I could do was laugh, Bitch had no idea what she was walking into. As I was walking across the lot from the garage to the clubhouse the guys that we had just been talking about pulled in. "Hey baby how was the run?" I asked my ol' man leaning in for a kiss. " Good as can be expected lovey." He answered in that deep Scottish accent I love oh so much. "Whats goin' on here?" He asked wrapping his arm around my shoulders and leading me into the clubhouse. "Well...there is something I need to talk to you all about." I said sweetly. "What did ye do know lovey?" He asked taking the shot of whiskey the prospect gave him. "You remember me talking about my best friend Annie and her kids? And how her kids sperm donor is a piece of shit and beats on her and is a druggie piece of shit?" I asked getting angry and clenching my teeth just thinking about what all he's done to her. "Easy there darlin' might blow a fuse." Tig joked. "I just hate his fucking guts. She deserves so much better." I told them. "Okay well what about her?" Chibs asked trying to get me back on track. "Well she finally left him and she'll be here." I was telling him before my phone interrupted me. "Well actually she's here now." I said with a little chuckle. "Listen don't worry she knows how this life works, we grew up in my Uncle's clubhouse so she knows the part and let me tell ya she plays it way better than me." I said laughing. "Well fellas I guess lets go meet the lass." Chibs said as Happy and Tig followed us out to the lot curious to see whonthis Annie was.

ANNIE'S POV

I pulled into the lot and it was stepping back in time. It reminded me so much of Uncle Tommy's clubhouse. "Alright darlings we're here." I said letting out a breath I didnt realize I was holding. "Mommy why are we here?" Jameson asked. "This is where Aunt Brit works. We have to meet her here first then we'll follow her to her house." I explained to both of them. While the kids were getting unbuckled I quickly checked my hair and put on some mascara and chapstick. I took one more quick glance in the mirror and saw Britni followed by three guys making their way toward us. I decided it was time to get out, as I got out I pulled the distressed demin shorts down a little in the front so they wouldnt look so short and pulled my shirt up a little so I wasn't showing so much cleavage. "Bitch!!" I heard as I was opening the back door for the kids to get out. I automatically got a huge grin as soon as I heard her voice I had been to damn long since I had seen my best friend. I turned around and immediately stopped when I seen him. It was him dark eyes from the gas station! I was frozen. My heart was pounding out of my chest! As I stood standing there like an idiot the kids took off running to Britni.

"Hey kiddos! You've gotten so big look at you!" Britni said talking a good look at them.

"I'm seven now Aunt Brit!" Jameson told her a little cocky. "Well you're almost a man!" Brit said with a slight chuckle. When I heard her laugh I snapped out of my trance and started paying attention to the exchanges between my children and the Aunt they haven't seen in years. "And look at you babygirl I can't believe how beautiful you are! I'm so glad you took after your mother and not your ugly ass daddy." She said laughing and looked at me. I just rolled my eyes and laughed. Why don't you kids go play over on the swing set while me and your momma talk?" Britni said looking at them. "Can we momma?" Rayne asked. "Go on." I said smiling and kissing both of them on top of the head before they took off running for the pay ground.

"How was the trip?" She asked pulling out a cigarette and handing it to me with a look knowing that I needed one. "It was good the kids were great. They're actually excited about starting over." I remarked taking a hit of the Marlboro red. "So you gonna introduce us to this beautiful women or what?" Tig said looking me up and down. "Shut up Tig you pervet fuck!" She told him. I couldn't help but let out a laugh. "Annie this is my ol'man Filipe or Chibs as most people know him by." She said with a smile plastered to her face. "Nice to meet you!" I said as I studied him a little better, then my eyes went wide! He's P the guy with the accent I thought to myself. " Aye, nice to meet ya lass I've heard lots about ya and thee rugrats." He said with a smile shaking my hand. Yepp that's confirmed, I thought to myself. "That pervet there is Tig." "Nice to meet ya doll." Tig said as he grabbed my hand and kissed it. Dark eyes just rolled his eyes at Tigs gesture. "And that's Happy the grouchy fuck." She said and looked at me with a shit eatting grin on her face. My heart stopped. I could not believe that he was here she knew exactly who I was gushing about! That bitch. "Hi." I said shyly. All I got was a head nood but that was good enough for me.

[sodasyrup]

I love,,,,, domestic lava au... You should do more of it. I'd love to know more about reka and monty too!

BWAAA...

Okay as I said it’s an au with kittie (6kuro) so I’m gonna grab the things it said and I said lmao

warning its a LONG disjointed post bc im too tired to make. a good post fdhghdf

lovelypeaches08/28/2019cole and kai would settle down real late like....in their late thirties because they want to keep their children as safe as possible, being elemental masters and having enemies and all

at first wu wants them to fight longer and shit but hes OLD so who cares and theres probably conflict on thatbut kai and cole are old enough to realized they dont have to be controlled

so they get married, symbolically if anything, because they've been dating for probably a little over a decade now and known each other even longer, AND been living together for the same amount of time

theyre the first of the ninja to settle down, and they buy a small house in a village thats maybe an hour away from ninjago city

the tininess of the house is made up for by the largeness of the yard, where cole likes to garden, especially fruits and vegetables

cole works as a stay at home free lance artist, doing stuff like commissions, book covers, comics, etc for moneykai does something that puts his charisma to use, probably something in business that lets him advertise and talk a lot..he could never settle down for a stay at home job or anything, even with all his thrilling ninja stories

they have enough money from donations and awards to thrive off these jobs, and ninjago probably pays them kind of like retirement

cole cooks for kai so he always has a meal ready when hes home, so then kai cooks on the weekend

anyways, they have two kids, about 3 years aparti haven't figured them much out yet, but kai and cole cook and bake with themcoles parenting style is very protective and rather spoils them, while kai lets them do whatever as long as its not immediately dangerousthey balance each other out well, so their kids grow up loved and well rounded

lovelypeaches08/28/2019coles always buying them sweets and treats and Kai pretends to be annoyed but thinks its really cute

the kids go to a small school on the outskirts of ninjago city, and get asked about their parents a LOT. they kind of like the attention but it gets irritating

moving on to the other ninja who also start to settle down,jay doesnt really want kids, so he passes on his powers with ~science~ or something, but only when hes a lot olderhe does engineering at borg industries or something, and he messes around a lot but gets away with it bc hes the blue ninjahes like kai and coles kids Fun Uncle, since he lives in a big apartment in downtown ninjago city, with a bunch of cool techkai and coles family often take elongated road trips therejay thinks hes a cool relative but besides being super lenient hea actually kind of embarrassing lol

nya settles down a bit later than the rest of them, because she wants to live her ninja days to the fullesti could go on about my domestic samurai au but her and pixal have a kid who gets nyas water powersnya is much more eager to train her kid than cole and Kai are (they want to start properly training thwir children when theyre like 16, much to wus disappointment)nya doesn't force anyrhing on her kid but she doesnt protect her kid from the fact they'll have to train sooner or latershes determined on still changing the world, so she's a strong political leader, with innovative ideas who doesnt approve of ninjagos government and wants to change it for the betterShe also lives in downtown, but isn't as fun as jayher kid is younger than kai and coles, but kai and coles kids look up to them because they're very independent and skilled! their mom is also super cool, but not in a silly way. she rocks leather jackets and drives her kid around on a motorcycle

lovelypeaches08/28/2019zane is tricky for me...i like to imagine him sticking with lloyd to being a ninja or whatever, since hes going to be alive a lonnggg timehe also wants to respect wus wishes, so he teaches students and fights alongside lloydhe does so much less however, and finds a lot of time to visit his friends

kai and coles kids are shy around him at first, him being a nindroid whose still a ninja, but hes so much nicer and softer than expectedhe always brings them presenrs and enjoys quality time with them, so he's basically their favorite uncle

now lloyd continues his master training, to become the next master after wu dies. hed be the one to guide the next generation of elemental masters as well as their parents in training thembut don't worry, he gets a break too, since the other ninja help him out. hes much less burdened then wu was in the later years of his lifeok thats all i think

My commentary now

little boy whos like 3 and super wide eyed and excited and loves pink (when he foudn out zane at one point had a pink gi he asked if he could get one too)older girl around 6 whos a big daddys girl and loves to garden with cole and make mud piez

the little girl is the fire em - she had temper issues linked to autismz which they worked through her with early and never thought of it but she has a big passion for gardening they mistook for elemental connection when rly she just LUVS IT

little boy is em of earth - hes a natural born leader and stubborn, wide eyed and excitable. again bc they worked w both their kids about their tempers and such they never realized he was just naturally good at keeping his composure. also a lot like jay keeping morals upnaturally strong but both their kids are and i hc the super strength doesnt come in until peubertyz

shes a bit of a late bloomer with em powers but one day their little boy accidentally makes a pot hole inside the kitchen bc he was excited over zane cookingthey took too good of care of their kids and his true potential was simple bc he was a litol kid which was im going to live my best fcuking life with friends and family *rips a hole in the ground

kai and cole are the gross sappy parents that trade kisses n their kids are like thats DISGUSTING youre DISGUSTINGLY IN LOVE

Kittie pointslovelypeaches08/28/2019YEAYEYAYAYYEYAYAYEoh god the little boy is part scenecorelikenot full on scene but like punk y2kwhich is a part of scenealso at first cole and kai are super concerned being a ninja will be as mentally damaging and ack as it was for them at times, but lloyd and zane are genuinely good mastersbutnot to get sadbutwhen tragedy does happen somehow, since neither Lloyd nor zane can ease that, cole and kai are so good at helping their kids e thatthey help them recover from it without downplaying their kids concerns and feelings amd give good advice and loveand make being elemental masters a lot easier for their kids than it ever was for them

me again.....

they always get so fucking scared thokai custom makes weapons for themarmor too he spends hours upon hours making sure its perfect and even prays over them to keep their kids safe

anyway when kai n cole visit w them (idk if theyr just adopted at their current age or like.... adopted as babies or surrogate or?? idk but) they visit lloyd and kai softly says "Look! its uncle lloyd" and lloyd starts SOBBING hes just fucking bawlinghis eyes out and when kai offers to for lloyd to hold him lloyds just like are you suure arre eyyuuu thherye so smsmm all kaiii are yoruur suureee thheyrey babbeises

nya is hesitant but ends up being a really good aunt, i meanshe took care of kai /j

zane is a fav uncle and hes always making sweets for them jay is. also sorta a fav bc where zane comes jay follows and jay has a sweet tooth and also makes Cool Toys + hey wanna prank your dadsalso im dramatic and likekai and cole sitting down and having a convo about master wubc he was sorta a shitty mentor and they really REALLY dont want their kids going through any self confident issues nor over stressing bc theyr KDISeventually kai and cole talk to master wu and actually has wu face his terrible practice towards kids and wu accepting he was.............................a bad 'parent' in a senseblebleblelelelelelellekai works but cole absolutely watches over any training when wu is there at first but lloyd is the master now and lloyd is like..........................i dont want kids to go through what i went through kai is like i trust you but also i will murder every single one of you in this dojo if you ever hurt my little girlim doing what i do and taking an au and running im sorry ghdghdfhJACK RAMBLES....their son refuses to wear shoes he lieks dirt on his feet they never really think much of it but its actually really comforting for him to feel the earth under his feet and feel stablethey think its just a stim thing maybe? theyr unsurebut! turns out him Element(also a fear of heights)lloyd tries to be a serious master but hes a big ol goof and can easily be manipulated

ironically.......its the lil boy who often is like HEY!!!!!!!!!!! WE GOTTA TRAIN!

kai and cole agree not to tell anyone what theyre thinking of naming their little boy until he arrives so when the day comes kais holding this tiny little boy and holds him out gentlyand lloyd is already EMOTIONAL because this is a BABY and lloyd softly asks his name n cole cuts in like "hes named after a really brave dude, montgomery. but we're thinking monty as a nickname"lloyd, choking up:(hc garmadons first name is montgomery)

the girl is Reka which means sweet in maori (a personal headcanon for cole) and shes their sweetheart

lovelypeaches09/04/2019bhrnrng this is in domestic au but col and kai teachign their kids instrumentscole and reka wud play piano duets togetherand monty doesnt like instruments much but he likes to singlike a LOT he belts out a song for everythinghe just lieks his own voice

burdletutt09/04/2019HNGGG HFHMONTY LOVS BEING LOUD

lovelypeaches09/04/2019YEAAAHhes like the type who makes a song for everythingmonty voice we rr goinggg to the parkkkkk and the grass isss.........GREEENNNNNNN and there are LOOK THERE ARE SQUIRRRELSSSS and a playground and the skyyyyy isssssssssssss...*deep inhale* BLUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE1E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!kai and cole: you are literally so talented

jay tries really hard to be the Cool Uncle at firstbut Monty just :^TReka gives him an awkward chucklewhen jay stops being Cool ™ hes goofy and thats when they start giggling and liking him more

[sarakuper]

Zion National Park, Utah (again!)

Stop #34, Nov 3-6

For our second time in Zion on this trip Sean and I had a truly unforgettable experience as we completed two bucket list hikes. If my only mother knew what I was doing, she would have killed me…. but don’t worry Ma! We did it all very safely and came back in one piece. 

We arrived Sunday afternoon at the same dispersed camping site we stayed at back in July when we visited the first time. This time we camped at a spot higher up with views overlooking another beautiful canyon.  We set up camp, cooked dinner, played Kaluche (yes, I won.. again!), and mapped out our next day. We talked about doing Angel’s Landing, a very popular and difficult hike, about 5.4 miles long, that challenges anyones fear of heights. This hike boasts incredible views of the Zion Canyon and the need to use chains to climb all the way to the top of Angel’s Landing. A large majority of the hike is your typical, but also gorgeous, steep hike with several switchbacks. The last quarter of a mile (sounds short, right?) is where you risk your life holding onto chains and climbing up a steep and narrow cliff. 1-2 feet off the “trail” in either direction and splat, you’re dead. Honestly, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It’s such a popular trail, people are basically waiting in line to climb to Angel’s landing! On average one person per year dies on this hike, but thousands of people hike it each year. Possibly hundreds of thousands. While we were discussing the possibility of this hike, Sean was unsure he would do it. He doesn’t fear many things (or at least doesn’t show it), but his fear of heights is real.

Monday morning came and we started our accent. Several switchbacks later we reached Scouts Lookout which is a plateau just before the risky climb to Angel’s Landing. This area was super crowded, and Sean and I were thinking “Let’s climb to the top and then come back here for lunch”. Angel’s landing is literally 0.5 miles away, so I thought this would be quick and we’d be eating lunch in no time. I also thought the portion of the hike we did was pretty much as risky as it gets… maaaaaaan was I wrong. 

Here is where the chains just begin. It was so crowded in this area, but we are so close right? I thought it was just around the bend. We started using the chains and I turned back to Sean where he shook his head at me. He didn’t need to use words; I knew this meant he wasn’t coming. I nodded back and continued on thinking to myself “this will be quick!”. Well, I got around the bend passing a large majority of the crowds, and there it was.. the scariest view I’ve ever seen. Reality set in as I actually saw the treacherous 0.5 mile hike ahead to the top of Angel’s Landing. At this point I thought “I’m already here. I made it this far. I’m doing it.”. 

A few minutes into the climb I made friends with the people immediately ahead and behind me. Most of them also came with a parter that stayed back at Scout’s Lookout. We encouraged each other and thought out loud “holy shit this is so dangerous and sketchy”. I don’t have a particular fear of heights, but I couldn’t even look to the right or left of me. All I could do was look down at my feet and the immediate steps ahead. I was terrified. This is where I thought to myself… if my mother knew what I was doing…  

I wanted to turn back. I was actually thinking this hike is so freaking stupid because of how dangerous it is. How is it possible that its crowded with hundreds (and maybe thousands) of people doing it each day!? There was no turning back now. We scrambled up the entire way, using the chains to pull ourselves up and to hold onto for dear life. But I did it. I made it to the top. I was so shook, I barely took any photos. I sat down and stayed down feeling the comfort of the ground below me. After the first set of chains I had to put my camera in my backpack because I needed it out of the way during the climb. One of the girls I climbed with forced me to get up and take pictures, and so here they are. 

I was very anxious to get down and be reunited with Sean. This “short” climb took way longer than I expected and I had already been gone for an hour. So, with most of the same people I climbed up with, we began our decent back to Scouts Lookout. I thought the way down would be way worse for 2 reasons; 1- navigating around the uphill traffic. There was NO room for two way traffic, and the large amounts of people doing this made it extra dangerous. 2- going down you are looking directly at the cliffs beside you. You are looking at how you will fall and die if you misstep. So yeah, thinking about the downhill made me even more scared. But as it turns out, and I’m not sure why, the decent back was actually less scary than the way up. I made it back to Scouts Lookaut and found Sean, immediately running into his arms for a huge hug. I wasn’t sure if he was worried about me because I was gone for so long, but he gave me a huge smile and high five. He actually climbed up to a different viewpoint and was watching me climb up and down through his binoculars. He was very proud of me and also felt reaffirmed that he didn’t do it because of what he saw through the binoculars and because of what I shared about it. This might have been the craziest thing I’ve ever done and I will never do it again. But damn I DID IT!!

After the hike into the Grand Canyon my legs were absolutely fried. I was very excited that after completing Angel’s Landing my legs and body felt strong and were not aching in pain. I guess the South Kaibab hike to Skeleton’s point was a good warm up hike after all! 

That afternoon and evening we prepared for our next adventure, hiking to The Subway from the bottom up. We rented water shoes and socks from a local rental shop. A few days prior I inquired with the Wilderness department at Zion about a getting a permit to do this hike. It’s a non maintained trail in the backcountry that takes route finding, scrambling, and hiking through water to complete. I tried to get a permit for this hike back in July but was denied because they reached the maximum number of people to permit for that day. Looking back I’m so glad I was denied then; I was not a strong enough hiker to complete this challenge! Looking at the stats this hike is 9.1 miles and 1,500 feet in elevation gain. I’ve completed hikes with more challenging statistics, so I was confident that I could do it. But this hike is a lot more technical and complex than that. And no matter how much we read about it, I didn’t realize how challenging this hike actually was until we were there doing it. 

The trailhead was almost 1.5 hours away, and so we hit the road before 7am to get a decently early start. We started the hike on a normal path for about 0.5 miles before completing a very (and I mean VERY) steed downward climb to the river. Once we made it to the river we placed neon rope around the area as a marker so we knew where to get out of the river on the return. We didn’t see a “trail” at this point, so we hiked through the river upstream. As long as we follow the river we will make it to The Subway.

After about 30 minutes navigating around rocks and trying to not to slip, we realized we were moving very slowly. We needed to find the trail so we could get a move on. Sean found the “trail”, which came and went every few minutes. We crossed the river, climbed, and jumped over large rocks and boulders to make our way through. It felt very strenuous, and was taking much longer than a typical hike. This gave me a serious appreciation for maintained trails where all I needed to do was “follow”. But Sean was our guide that day, and when I wanted to turn around because it was too hard he gave me the tough love I needed to make it to the end. It was me who wanted to do The Subway so badly anyway! Well, after 4 hours (yes, it took 4 hours to go 4.5 miles!) we made it to The Subway. And WOW, this place was absolutely spectacular. I will let the photos speak for themselves.

We took enjoyed the scenery, took photos, ate lunch, and began our hike back in hopes to make it back for Jaxon before sunset. It turns out the hike back was a lot easier and went by much faster. Maybe that’s because we actually found the “trail” and did a lot less hiking through the river and scrambling compared to our way up. Oh, and did I mention there are dinosaur tracks right along this trial? Seriously! They are very hard to find, but with our AllTrails map we were able to spot them!

We made it back to the car around 4pm taking us a total of 7.5 hours to complete this hike. We were proud of ourselves as we left the trail feeling very accomplished! I could never have done this hike without Sean and am grateful for his ability to navigate us safely and push me  with tough love and encouragement when I needed it most.

What an incredible two days we just had. What an amazing 4 months its been.

We have another week of traveling in the trailer and visiting national parks before we begin preparing for the next chapter of our trip. Once we get to Denver on Nov 13(ish), this amazing part of our journey will come to an end.

I’m feeling very grateful for all the new places we’ve seen, experiences we’ve had, and for the time me, Sean, and Jaxon have spent together just us in the small quarters of our trailer thats become our home. It will be hard to say goodbye to our mobile home, but significantly harder to say goodbye to Jaxon. That is something we are really not looking forward to; my heart breaks just thinking about it.

Thanks for reading, love you all.

[mindovermilitante]

Taking back my life. Chapter 1...

Hi All,

My name is Nathan Militante. Approximately 4 months ago i thought i had it all figured out on what i wanted to do and where i wanted to go in this world. Im here today September 13th 2018 to tell my past self and the other who stumble upon this blog that it hasn't been what i expected. If anything its been the complete opposite of hat Ive wanted. But its funny when i look back on the things i wanted for the future i could never put an actual object to it. I think its always been somewhat of a feeling to obtain. The feeling-of accomplishment, or having done something important in your life, or even knowing that you're on the right path. Also sorry for this whole blog its going to be out of order, I feel its best to just type and let the words flow out, but okay back to the story at hand. 

Its the middle of May. Im dressed in my graduation outfit getting ready to proceed through the ceremony. Millions of thoughts racing through my head. Where will i go from here, what will my education look like from this point on, who will i settle down with, will i trip on my way to getting my diploma? As i tried to understand what this day meant i think i started to formulate a plan of action. I think in my mind the idea of a plan always gave me an idea of a direction i wanted to go. And so the day went by and so did the expectation that my plan would develop. But as stated earlier, it didn't...or so i thought.

Speed up to today and I am currently working for Washoe County Health district as a health educator and disease investigator, I am currently living with 3 other of my best pals including my brother, continuing on with my photography, and in love with a girl i get to all my girlfriend. But yet through all that i still feel empty. Why? 

You see my whole life has been a “Why”. 

Why cant i just afford it

Why cant i just get this right 

Why cant this just be easy 

Why cant life just catch me a break. 

In saying why all the time i realized how much i had yet to accomplish in my life. but why (see i told you) is it that i’m only 23 and stressing about all of this. It feels as if my life up to this point hasn't been much to celebrate about. 

Sure college was hard but it wasn't that hard when your going full time and you have friends in college who are there to push you through it? 

Sure rent is expensive elsewhere but our house is falling apart sometimes and my roommates drive me crazy. 

Sure I can say i love my job but there are those days when i ponder if its all worth the cause. 

Sure i love my girlfriend but at times we dont agree with each other and theres things that we dont get along with. 

But thats just it...

In one fell swoop if already named of only a fraction of the things i have neglected to be thankful for... but yet i ask why. 

Today is September 13th 2018 and im enjoying a nice lunch of grilled chicken, one banana, and a couple raspberries. Did i mention im drinking this gnarly concoction of garlic, lemon, and water to alleviate my blood pressure? 1 day ago I got the news that my depression and anxiety had come back and in turn raised by blood pressure. 6 hours ago i woke up with the idea that my life would never be the same with this diagnosis, 3 hours ago i was taking a walk instead of my usual run hating my life. and 30 minutes ago i was alone in my house pondering that ever so question i have been asking all my life...

Why? 

It was only until our house dog looked at me in a way that made me look at myself. Kind of like that thing you do when you're drunk, high, or on cloud 9 in the bathroom and your thinking to yourself how did you get here and will this ever end. Instead the person in the mirror told me to type. type it all type it out and type until there is nothing left to type. And so Im here now typing and wondering where this will lead me. Its weird the idea of typing is actually somewhat exciting and relaxing. Of course i am also listening to the wonderful styings of Joey Pecarro. But as i type all of this out i begin to see what ive been missing or what has been missing for me to understand what i have. I love my life and where its gone so far. I love the process its given me, the challenges its set out in front of me, and the idea thats its only beginning. In doing so its also shown me how much i have to be thankful for.

First off my wonderful girlfriend. This beautiful courageous funny and loving person has been there for me ever since the beginning. Funny story i actually ghosted here pretty badly a couple moths after we had met. I thing the whole thing was because i was scared of what she would think of me. But she pulled me back into our relationship and time and time again she's pulled me back into the place that i belong. I love her immensely and i truly believe that most of my success wouldn't have occurred without her doing. I owe her a-lot and i hope to show even just a fraction of what she has done for me. 

Second my friends. Wow dont talk to me unless you find some friends like mine! Ever since i could remember ive always been the type of person to move from group to group. it wasn't to say i didn't like anyone, i just couldn't find that right fit. And then freshmen year of college came along and in that hustle and bustle of university life... i found them. It isn't safe to say that they dont bug me sometimes but its also safe to say that they have saved me and molded me into the person i am today. I never once in a million years would've thought i would end up with these guys but im thankful for them each and every day. 

Thirdly (i dont even know if thats a word, sorry not sorry)  my family. It cheesy and a platitude to say everyone should be thankful for their own family, but my journey to liking them was somewhat of a rough road. To begin m parents are divorced so having that strain on the family really distanced me from accepting who they were. Another point to establish is that my family is very tradition on how success needs to be measured. Its “you're going to be a doctor” or “why cant you be like the other kids” and even “in life you need to accomplish things by this age.” Hearing those things really put in a position believing that they didn't care much about me. Only the life i was living. But as the years went by they understood me more and the success i wanted to reach the more they supported me and changed their ways. Today i owe a great deal of thanks to them and the foundational skills of hard work they have given me. 

Now of course im thankful for so much more but dont want to bore you with that list. Ill just do it another day (haha). But i think to end this story i want to talk a little about what got me to writing this. Again I am terribly sorry about the horrible typos, organization, and all around messiness this passage has to offer but bear with me. tomorrow will be better. 

Just as the title says “Taking back my life, chapter 1″, i really do want to take back my life. I suffer from serious bouts of depression and anxiety and for most of my life its been right there in the passenger seat ordering me where to go. But today ive decided to change that. I think today its not about asking why is this happening to me but rather saying to myself “its going to be okay”. Because at the end of the day it will be. But only if its done on my terms and my time. I know things take time and i know il probably have my days where it wont be perfect, but thats okay. i have to start living my life according to me, and not some mental disease. Im scared, stressed, terrified, and sick of what will happen now but those things keep me alive. Its by feeling those things that i know im moving on in the world. Forget a plan and forget trying to understand why something happens. Its time to take back my life and living it day by day with the ones I love. As for this blog i hope to keep updating it about my journey and the things i want to accomplish, the dreams i have, and the memories i make. 

Seneccca said 

“It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements if it were all well invested. But when it is wasted in heedless luxury and spent on no good activity, we are forced at last by death’s final constraint to realize that it has passed away before we knew it was passing. So it is: we are not given a short life but we make it short, and we are not ill-supplied but wasteful of it… Life is long if you know how to use it.”

Lastly, Im probably the last person someone with depression should talk to, but if you're out there and reading this and going through something. always know there is always something to be grateful for, someone to always know has your back, something you can always fall in love doing, and something to always look forward to. And if you cant think of anything I will always be there for you. 

[overbakedone]

1

this is the first time i've ever started writing my thoughts and feelings anywhere before. this is not easy.

instead of writing things and then deleting it all because its not good enough or it sounds stupid i'm just going to write it now and stop backspacing. i guess i should start with where i am in life right now so there is some perspective.

im 25, im a bakers apprentice, i live with my parents, i have a girlfriend, lets call her ‘C’ who for the first time feels right to me despite everything, i barely have any friends, they don't ever want to see me, i don't have much time in my life right now, i work all night and struggle to fit sleep into my schedule. but things are really the best they have ever been for me. i just started an AFL 9′s competition, weird i usually have no confidence going into these things and will either quit after the first practice or not even show up, i really kinda enjoyed it and am excited for next week.

i've wanted to start writing anything for a few months now, i guess now i have some time. time is so fucked up, i wish there was more of it, i wish i could sleep without wasting my day, i wish i didn't have to compromise sleep for everything but i do, i guess its part of being a baker, its a job i am loving and i think i've found my life passion but it has its ups and downs. my partner C expects a lot of my time i guess, she can be very needy at times, demanding almost, sometimes i feel pressured by her to sacrifice my sleep, personal plans and hobbies and interests for her, but i know what she feels, she wants the same thing i do. she has problems making friends, or keeping friends, she feels isolated and alone, and she wants my companionship, and i want that too and despite anything i feel in the moment i always feel happy about her at the end of the day.

i should be grateful for the relationship i am in right now, i really should be grateful for a lot of stuff, my parents for allowing me to stay here still, being so supportive and also allowing and accepting of me and really tolerant of the shit i do. ok so i do smoke week every day right so that's already something to do at home that's difficult, i'm pretty sure they know and don't care or even agree that my life has been better since i started smoking, fuck i used to be on antidepressants, i took one every day at a certain time, it made me feel a bit better, ok sounds just like smoking right, expect when i didn't take this pill i got nausea, headaches, severe episodes of depression, i couldn't eat my appetite was so fucked up i was eating one meal a day and it was like a piece of bread or takeaway food. since the smoking started i've found some actual passion in life, i don't feel like a useless number anymore i guess.

one of the things on my mind always is my friends, since i was in highschool i havent really had a group of friends, i feel like i am a social person but then when it comes to it i feel like i just get burned. a lot of my old friends turned out to be secretly hating me and not wanting me around, some sort of pity friendship, i was an asshole in my time and honestly was not a good friend myself, do you pay for the dumb shit you do as a teenager, the people you fuck over go from your life completely yet new people you meet do the same things to you like they know. i had/have a long term best friend, J, we had been mates for years, we worked at my old job dominoes together for a bit, and kinda hung out a few times, but not until we got into PC gaming together did we form a bond. after that we would chat every day, play games together, watch the footy together, go places even though he lived across the city from me. one thing that changed massively in my life was i quit drinking alcohol, and then i felt like all my friends both disagree with my choice and resent me for it, like for some reason i have to take the same drugs they are taking at that time to be their friends. so J has just grown more and more distant, i get that we are older now, we both have partners, jobs that take a lot of our time, but then when we hang out or talk he seems disinterested, more interested with his friends that i introduced him to (from our discord server) and has seemingly replaced me, none of these guys i really like at all, in fact the only one of the new group i like is the one girl in it because she actually has interesting things to say.

fuck that was a paragraph, i guess i should talk about alcohol.

alcohol has fucked up my life, i cant repair the mistakes and stupid things i did while drinking alcohol, so they are there, i guess its just talking about it left. to start off, when i drink alcohol i have a hard time finding my limit, i feel like i swing from nothing to completely blacked out, puking, sobbing and basically hating myself very quick, i feel sick for days after drinking, barely able to eat, leave bed, move, i feel so nauseous and tired, its so fucked up what it does to your body, but oh your mind is even worse. i've broken off relationships, cheated, threatened people, gotten into fights, brawls, got my arm broken, hurt myself repeatedly, gotten arrested and a criminal record that may prevent me from going to canada next year, and is currently delaying booking flights, ive missed work, shown up drunk same clothes no shower to work, but the main thing that alcohol does to me is makes me sad. alcohol makes me so fucking sad, it makes me reach into the deepest pits i can think of and brings out all the emotions that are in there, my ex being the main one. every time i used to drink id think of her, call her, text her, go on her facebook, look up her instagram her twitter, fuck it drive my car to her house to see if her cars there like that does anything or means anything just fucking alcohol is so stupid. i never want to feel like that again, i never want to sabotage my life, sabotage and self destruct my relationships, but i guess losing my friends is the thing i have to take in consideration. australia is a fucked up place, where drinking heavily is the social norm and if you don't get fucked up or even have a beer with mates you're a loser.

i just want a deep connection with my friends. when i was in newcastle with my partner, i  met her friends there that she had been living with, despite the fucked up things that happened to her there, she lost a lot of friends herself and a long time friend, had trouble finding new ones, trouble fitting in, the friends she had there were the most honest and truly welcoming, connecting people ive met, and i miss that. i miss having a friend you can just, go over to their place, sit around for 3-4 hours talking shit, laughing, listening to music, relaxing and sharing stories and shit. weird that people can have such an effect on you in a short time. the life i live here is full of making plans, only for them to be cancelled, inviting friends over, for nobody to show up, cancelled plans all the fucking time, i've never been asked to just come over and chill, never its always some group thing that i'm invited to as well. i even try talking to them about this, i told a group of girl friends i have, i miss you all and haven't seen you in so long, we need to have a casual hangout, and the message was almost completely ignored, i asked them all to come to mind to watch the grand final, the house was free, i got a big projector screen, big comfy couch, live central right in the middle of everyone, nobody even replied or brought it up again, yet the second someone else that lives in the far corners of perth brought it up everyone started chatting about their plan to go. so if that's not my friends making it obvious they don't want to see me, they only include me then thats fucked up. i don't know what to say, this happens all the time, my 21st birthday i invited 65 people, and less than 15 people showed up. its hard to keep trying, always trying, i always try to make social events, i always ask friends what they are doing, when they can see me, make plans, they get cancelled, they are busy, they say they're coming then don't show up, most of the time i never hear a word too, they just dont show and don't even apologize, is that a fair thing to do, yeah sometimes i dont go to my friends events, i'm too fucking tired or just don't feel like going, somethings come up, i tell them straight away i cant make it i'm sorry this has come up, yet i don't get the same courtesy.

am i an unlikable person

the guys at work seem to like me, so i started a baking apprenticeship, basically i started watching great british bake off and picked it up as a hobby, making cakes and stuff, actually i should go back. so i used to work in some shitty small software company in the city, 9-5, peak hour traffic, office drama, workplace bullies, understaffed, overworked, red tape and bullshit everywhere, i quit after 2.5 years for mental health reasons, i made a lot of money but had to move on, so i spent a year off , it was only supposed to be a few months, go on a holiday road trip with my then partner, S, she broke up with me via a text message right after eagles lost to melbourne at home, basically the footy game was more disappointing, we had a shit relationship, i think i resented her, i cheated on her, yeah i'm an awful person and deserve everything, she was an emotionally manipulative person, terrified of her own body and sex, tried to dominate my life and change me, im glad we broke up. so i stayed unemployed for a long time, over a year, barely looking, until i found this baking apprenticeship, not only did i apply for the job and write a completely custom cover letter (im so fucking lazy i usually close a job application the second it requires anything more than an apply button) AND i called back a few weeks later when i heard nothing, well turns out that call landed me the job, the apprentice they hired instead of me was useless, had no passion and was a slow worker. so i got the job, and basically have been killing it ever since, i get a lot of praise at work (lots of criticism too) baking is one of those things that takes time, its all about time, so i got a lot to learn but i am actually confident once in my life, holy shit i have a job i like and am good at. is this the dream?> lol 

so today i started writing my feelings down, and its kinda felt good, but i'm exhausted now, and my fingers hurt, so this is the end of my first post, i hope nobody reads it, its really just for me but i don't know. 

thanks for listening   i guess 

[steaktalk]

Hi Steak I asked this before but it must have gotten cleared! I joined a band about a year ago and it's taking off real quick and I'm real thankful for it but I have really major debilitating anxiety about touring. We've been gone for a few days at a time and every time idk why but I spent the whole time just...terrified and nonverbal. I lock myself in venue bathrooms and hyperventilate. This summer we are set to go on a whole month long tour and I'm honestly petrified. I have no idea how (1/3)

                                                                                                                            Anonymous said to steaktalk:                                                                      (2/3) I'm gonna deal. IDK why it bothers me so much. I don't have performance anxiety or anything, it's literally just when we are touring. I don't sleep and I can't eat and my stomach just aches the whole time from anxiety. It feels stupid and immature and corny to say but I've never even been away from home that long and I'm just so freaked out! My band members are great and accommodating obviously I love them lots but I still feel real guilty. And It feels stupid bc I'm the only girl so            

unfortunately only two of these came thru (psa this usually happens in long asks so try to keep it one/possibly well thought out/written ask)

Are you young? like under 21? Im just wondering if its possible that your sense of wanderlust hasnt kicked in yet- if you are older thats ok too.. you possibly just might not be wired like that.

A big part of when people think about joining a band they inflate the experience of “being on the road” in their head. Seeing the country, meeting people, experiences, lack of traditional responsibility..  sure yes, all great. There are also downsides like, you go kinda broke if you arent careful, you sleep on the floor a lot, no showering super regularly, very bad food, 0 personal space. This downsides hit super hard if you are someone who needs social “off” time.. in those cases being in a van for 18 hours a day with ur “closest buds pursuing a dream” can seem daunting.

If this band is the life you want, then i suggest trying to find ways to escape in your mind. Bring some books, ask for furthest back bench, talk to your bandmates about your anxiety. You dont need to be involved in every conversation- there are ways to tune out and recoup but being ashamed of it wont help you, so talk to your friends. Touring is hard, its not just some magical see-the-light road trip with your friends.

figure out  exactly what your worried about, label it, talk about it.

[likeabulletyoucanhurtme]

The 100 (questions that is....not band or TV show)

1. If you were on a 2 hour road trip and could only listen to one song on repeat until the trip was over what song would it be? idk it would depend. Could be Neck Deep - In Bloom but also if you go with Dream Theater - A Change Of Seasons thats only like 4 plays :) 2. If heaven or hell didn’t exist and wasn’t a reward would you still make an effort in being a good person? Atheists believe in good. 3. What’s your poison? Vices etc. JD 4. What’s your favorite thing about your hometown? the football team lol.

5. Are you a better friend to your friends than they are to you? It's a mutual thing that we don't really talk lol. I'm a horrible friend to most people but one did say I was angel, which was a compliment cause she’s religious even though I’m not

6. Have you ever ran a red light? I can't drive, but I ignore traffic signs when walking. They're more of a suggestion than a rule especially in Glasgow.

7. Who is the most influential person in your life? I influence myself; fuck all y'all.

8. Give me a hot take. What’s the unpopular opinion you stand by? Love Island is pish

9. What would the ten year old you think about you now? 10yr old me wanted to be an astronaught so idk lol probably disappointed

10. What’s your favorite city to visit/live in? Town lol I don't do visits

11. Tell me the story of your first kiss. She asked me out and I was kinda dithering but then just as she was walking away I shouted yes at her like a fucking lunatic and she turned around like "....oh." Then we snogged :P

12. What was your yearbook quote (if you didn’t have one what would it be)? The romans didnt invent a great civilisations by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.

13. What’s a non-sexual turn on for you? Millie's Cookies <33333

14. Who’s your favorite non-animated movie character? The wee old dear from Last Train To Busan <3

15. You fall into $10K and you have to spend it on yourself and not bills, what do you buy? Gig tickets, alcohol and stuff off my list

16. Have you picked names for your children yet? one

17. Do you have any talents? I'm very good at singing badly

18. Which would you prefer: Netflix and Chill or iTunes and Chill? Netflix or iTunes themselves. I ain't got no chill. And no-ones interrupting me if I'm listening to music/watching something

19. Fill in the blank: I want to ____ your _____. _hug_, _soul_

20. Is once a cheater always a cheater true? idk people can change but I'd say the relationship is forever ruined. Someone that cheated on me might not cheat again, but I wouldn't trust them anymore.

21. In one word, What was the reason your last relationship failed? complacency

22. What’s something therapeutic you do when you’re stressed? listen to music

23. What was your favorite non-Pixar Disney Film? Big Hero 6

24.  Ruin a first date in 5 words or less. "I like country music" :P

25. Drums or Flats? I thought this was about music or highheels but google says its about chicken. And I prefer boneless!

26. Do you remember your last dream? What about? No idea, I don't remember them much I'm just greatful for whatever sleep I can get.

27. Do you want your kids to go to church, synagogue, temple, mosque? why? Never! I don't want to fill their heads with nonsense and a life of trying to conform to outdated arbitrary rules just so they have a good afterlife.

28. If Gerard Butler, Russell Crowe, and Liam Neeson get into a bar brawl who wins? The press?

29. Looking back would you have lost your virginity sooner than you did or later? Sooner. The lateness was not for lack of trying

30. Do you have a favorite book? Not really but it used to be either Reaper Man or The Hitch-hikers Guide To The Galaxy

31. Fuck Marry Kill? Do I get to pick my own??????? Fuck - "Main Course" Marry - hahahaha no Kill - your hopes and dreams

32. Is college worth it? Why? Yes because its good to know things and worth it to get a better job so you're not working beside me :)

33. Favorite Cartoon growing up. idk I can't really remember what I watched.

34. What’s your favorite social media besides tumblr? I'm on Facebook more but that's just to play games mostly

35. Does your first crush still look good? I don't talk to her anymore but her pictures aren't too bad

36. Do you think starting a gofundme is begging or helpful? Depends on the reason, like I've seen one just for a sesh which is fucking stupid, but like Americans do them for medical bills or some legit reasons.

37. Sesame Street or Barney? Sesame Street! Cookie Monster<3

38. What you’re favorite R&B Album of all time? I hate them all.

39. What movie(s) do you know all the lines to by heart? I can quote bits of films but probably not the whole film

40. Would you date someone you met on here? idk like I prefer this as a more anonymous space to share things and rant about people who actually know me. If I'm doing this right no-one I meet on here should figure out who I am :) But yes I'd date y'all cause you're all wonderful peoples

41. Would you rather be too hot or too cold? Too cold, it's Scotland you know?

42. Would you date yourself? I dont think I could put up with my own shit. And if it was like really my personality in a female form we'd be far too fucking shy to speak to each other.

43. Apple or Android? Android, Apple is a cult

44. What is the first song that you can remember learning the lyrics to? Daydream Believer for my aunties wedding

45. What are 3 of your favorite Michael Jackson songs? I genuinely do not like any of them but Alien Ant Farm covered Smooth Criminal if that counts?

46. Fill in the blanks: it’s not cheating if ___ ____ ____. you haven't actually kissed or slept with the other person and you're only sharing inappropriate messages on facebook and they've already said they're not a homewrecker... sorry, too specific?

47. Could you put your dreams on hold to support your bf/gf pursuing theirs? my dreams have been crushed so it would depend on what theirs were

48. What’s is the title to your autobiography? The Life And Times Of A Fucknut

49. Is there someone you’re trying not to call or text right now? YES! SO MUCH. I want to message her all the time but she hasn't messaged me and i dont want to appear desperate even though I am so I'm not gonna message first although I check every 5mins if shes messaged me

50. What is your favorite emoji or emoji combination? :P or ;)

51. Do you have any deal breakers in relationships? cheating lol.

52. Are you Tre or Doughboy? I had no idea so I googled it and Wikipedia says "Tre is highly intelligent but has a volatile temper and lacks respect" which is so me :) Idk who doughboy is lol

53. Favorite movie? Don't really have one tbh. I have too many I want to watch to bother re-watching something i've seen.

54. How long do you talk to someone before you expect a relationship? when you talk to someone its the start of a relationship in the loosest sense of the word because friendship is still the relationship between two people

55. Ruin a first date in 5 words or less. repeat questions would ruin a date cause it proves you're not listening

56. How old are you and how old do you feel? I'm 29 but I feel the same as i always have

57. Tag your favorite tumblr blog. @evilsupplyco

58. Your house is burning down and your family is safe what is the one material item you’d grab? my phone'd already be in my pocket so laptop?

59. How long until you introduce your bf/gf to your family? theyve met

60. Fill in the blank: All you need in this life of sin is you and your ____. Nope. All you need in this life of sin is you. No and your anything

61. Kobe, Jordan, or Lebron? neither

62. What is your favorite Drake lyric? I hate everything he has ever said

63. Where did you meet the last person you fell in love with? I don't fall in love, I believe I only fall in lust/infatuation/obsession.

64. Do you know your love language? I joined a shitty website to find the answer. Apparently it's physical touch and then words of affirmation.

65. Take a Myers Briggs Personality Test: what are your results? No. I fail at these. The questions are never things that i would do so i feel like im unintentionally lying and it never sounds like me

66. How do you feel about Quentin Taurentino films? Violence and blood what could be better?

67. Fill in the blank: Get you someone who will ______. _worship you as the amazing and beautiful bad ass bitch that you are <-- actual drunken advice from me

68. What’s your favorite movie soundtrack? Spiderman 2 i actually had the album

69. What’s your favorite fragrance on the opposite sex? i dont care what they smell like as long as its not fags

70. Is there any magazine, blog, or publication you read weekly? Nope

71. Will you abstain from sex or go to marriage counseling? Why are these my only options? But I'm not going to counselling, if they have issues then they should just tell me :)

72. There’s two kinds of people in the world: Those who pour ketchup on their fries, and the ones who put it on the side to dip. Which one are you? The one who doesn't order ketchup at all.

73. Rough sex or slow sex? Both. Either. Any lol

73. Have you ever slept with a stranger? Nope. Not that I have anything against it I've just never had the opportunity

74. What’s your dream music collaboration? Produced by who (Dead or Alive)? idk but probably produced by rick rubin cause that guy does eeeeeverything lol

75.  What song will you probably conceive your kids to? Music would just be a distraction

76. Do you have a scripture or quote you live by? Nope

77. Finish this sentence: If men had birth control _____. itd be free

78. How long should sex last? As long as both partners need

79. What music do you listen to when you de-stress? Just whatevers next on the playlist

80. How soon should you text someone after getting their number? The next time you want to tell them something but they arent there beside you?

81. How do you feel about the 80/20 rule? Living in lol but its more like erm 20/80?

82. Is sex a determinate in a relationship? Yeah. Why would you get with someone if you're not at least somewhat attracted to them?

83. Is it wrong to move in with someone or “shack up” before marriage? Nope

81. Send me a never have I ever. Never have I ever enjoyed beer

82. What is your favorite video game of all time? Spyro The Dragon

83. Who is your favorite book/movie character? "SQUEAK" said the Death Of Rats

84. Can you define love as best as you can? Nope

85. Does size matter? I hope not, women like taller guys lol.

86. What is your favorite thing about the person you like? Physically? Personality? idk

87. Five Year plan? Go! Don't get fired, save money, get an actual house, buy stuff off my list?

88. If someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? idk i dont understand me so why you asking me?

89. Do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? Do you identify yourself by the things you do? I don't tend to think of myself at all really... and why would I identify myself?

90. What does emotionally available mean to you? Someone who is not emotionally closed off?

91. Could you go into business with your ex? Hahahahahahahah no

92. What is the last song you sang aloud? I'd Rather Drown ineverletpeopleinandihaveyoutoremindmewhy

93. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? They do. They told me. It sucks cause it changes nothing except igniting that small bit of hope id given up on...

94. How do you prefer to obtain your music Streaming, Downloads, or Physical? Physical albums for artists I like, even though it just goes straight into the laptop anyway i still like having albums

95. Name an artist you like that your friends probably don’t listen to. What friends? But erm Archangels Revenge. I doubt the ex members listen to them as much as I do lol

96. Tag someone that’s probably her baby father. this makes no sense?

97. Post a selfie you really like. nope

98. Do you watch anime? What is your favorite? Death Note or The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya so far, but ive got a lot on my list

99. What’s the zodiac sign of the last person you dated? Aquarius

100. Do you know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior? I know that he is not either.

[thegurlbehindthesmile]

Head Storm.

If i don't take minute to write these things down they just weigh so heavy. where do i begin.

i'm frustrated.

sometimes its like a repeating nightmare. Its me and brian and we are on a 13 hour flight to Germany. this double decker plane is huge and filled with strangers and i cant see their faces. i know our destination is a long way away. im tired. and there we are in the middle row. u next to me and me on the isle. We're sharing your blue ipod with music i never really listen to and this is the moment im stuck in.

for a minute my body goes into drive. at first you think the dream would play out as i remember, but this isnt a memory its a dream and now that im more aware- more awake within the dream; im always asking myself.

why am i here? wheres juan? wheres julian? (thats right this is a dream/ im sleeping)

and i realize im meant to doo something. and i go and look at brian and its not the same. i can barely see his face and i no longer remeber the sound of his voice. its as if im stuck in my seat.

the dream is almost paused- as i struggle to put these pieces of the real memory back together. its like im waiting. im waiting for brian to speak first. im just sitting here. on this plane.

i went to russia in 2005. the trip was from philly airport to germany than germany to russia.

it was for a youth peace team mission. we met up with kids our age over there and talked about religion and life. it wasnt just us two- we had a team of our friends and it was amazing.

It was the first time i had left the country- it was the first time i had flown without my mom. first time i felt homesick. the first time i saw how big the world really is. how there is so much to see and so much going on. it was an experience.

i never knew Demisexual was a thing. (The term 'demisexual' comes from the concept being described as being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. ... The gray-A spectrum usually includes individuals who very rarely experience sexual attraction; they experience it only under specific circumstances.)

i didnt even know what sexual was- i was young naive and anything i did know about sex and beauty most likely came from the wrong place. i managed to get all the way to freshman year of highschool without really relationships that included sexual and non sexual.

freshman year was horrible. i was the new girl becuase i didnt attend the same middle school as the other kids and my prior school was MUCH smaller than the highschool i went to. but i was excited for the change. i asked for the change.

its easy to say "well idk?" when u have lack of experience. Idk why i was single so long. idk why i never wanted a bf. idk why i have never kissed anyone idk? idk? idk? (...now i know) my first thoughts were always like omg maybe noone wanted to kiss me? maybe im the weird one. less desired. not wanted. i was the problem. i imagined my body was less than perfect and i guess my attitude and demenor wasnt the dating type (lies) i just felt weird and alone.

sometimes people cant make a sexual connection unless they have an emotional connection with someone as well. it isnt prude it isnt wierd its just how it works (literally) the better and more i get to know you i can finally start feeling any real connection at all especially sexually.

this new demisexual wasnt even a thing until i was half way through my twenties...THAT and pansexual (not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.) people would ask "well whats ur type?!" idk id say?? i didnt even realize internally i found both sexs appealing. not even just sexs just ANYone. hearts not parts we say now.

i was basiclly lost ,frustrated and didnt understand a damn thing about myself.

brian and i were friends. we went to the same church- we lived in the same town. our families knew each other. it was a very safe space for me. i didnt think brian liked me. ( i didnt think ANYONE liked me; that way anyway) i had guy friends i had girl friends i just felt like we were all at the same level. most my girl friends had kissed people, most had bfs; same with the guys. i just didnt... it wasnt that i didnt like brian- i just had no idea what any of this stuff was. how to even begin "liking someone" i wasnt stupid - i was scared? i felt scared. worried that becase i hadnt had the experiences - that i wasnt good at ANY of it. i got to know brian because he was around. youth group trips and church events ; school- we were always hanging around each other.

i was never a physical person. honestly self pleasure was the only pleasure i knew and i thought id be going to hell for masturbating so theres that complex. a secret i held tight forever.

i didnt know the more i talked and was around brian i would fall inlove with him. people SAYYY that- but in my world it was a must. it was inevitable. as long as he was open with me and vulnerable- i began to want him.

he was my first kiss. and he let me kiss him. it might of seemed innocent ( i mean it was really) but it was big for me. the only person in the world i had let in. and he was ready to reak havoc on my new world. kisses lead to make outs- making out lead to sex- and that was that. id say i was his or he was mine but i guess we were each others. i wasnt ready to do this with anyone else. i didnt think i even could. it took so long for brian to become this person for me. i was..postive; id make this love last a life time. but that wasnt the case it was a rocky 3 years but at the end of it i personally learned alot.

i still didnt know all that i said above. on my rocky one relationship road... i was frustrated. i didnt know these things existed and while life seemed easy for brian- it was not for me. i struggled and argued with myself resulting in very poor communication with brian leading to only end in sight. if i wasnt making an emotional connection with my person then it had to be the opposite; i wasnt interested at all. almost the opposite- i felt nothing.

i let the hurt find its way in- i let it block any form of fix. the emotions were turned off. and the result was sexless.

i went on a rampage and found a random lover. Peter was ..peter. i didnt know him prior to meeting him- i barely knew much about him at all. all i knew was i was numb and needed to feel again. ( now if only i had known who i was i would of tried to build and talk through these emotions, break some walls down. reopen the lines. reconnect and succeed. but i didnt know that. all i knew was i was hurting and i nolonger had my person- i wanted to feel again.) i wouldnt even say i was attracted to peter. i really wasnt "looking" at all. i wasnt looking with my eyes or my heart.

i was already pretty good at hurting myself just plain jane. but this was a whole different world. what if i could just have sex and not care. just do it and live. just feel something. and i did it. i found peter and yeah we had sex. i was postive i didnt want a relationship ( i was heading down the wrong road in the wrong direction WITH no directions) it was a mess. a mess that didnt last long (thankfully)

i look back at it now and would like to have lunch with peter. although im sure im a spek of nothing in his life stream; he was a pretty big rock in mine. mainly to say sorry. sorry for using him. more sorry that i had no intentions at all. i was a shell of person and im sorry he never got the chance to meet the true me. cuz im not that person at all. and i think he was geniune and we could of learned alot from each other.

i am 30 years old now and still to this day brian and peter are the only people ive slept with except my current husband.

ive trusted 2 (brian and juan) of those souls with my heart. my whole heart. ive been with them to the extent i lost myself. my body has craved them and known them. and they will forever have a piece of me. they took with them what insecurities i had and threw them out the window. i was engulfed and loved and it didnt stop. i had alot of sex with brian as i currently have alot of sex with juan (my husband)

if i had known who i was then i would of talked to more people. resulting in more meaningful connections. resulting in more stories and experiences to tell about. girls guys gays all different kinds of souls i would of touched and danced with. but i didnt know what i know now.

time has given me the learning ive neeeded and now i know alot.

as my nightmare continues its me and brian sitting on a 13 hour plane. i want to ask him how he is, and what hes doing. what other souls hes experienced and what life is like for him now. we would laugh and joke and unerstand that life goes on and although we are not lovers any longer we wouldnt be who we are without having known each other. on this plane its noone but us. reality doesnt hit because its just a distraction and we just want to catch up.

its like a clock is ticking and were anxious. as if he too knows this is a dream, a mear astroprojection into a memory. and noone talks. we both stay silent. its almost like i cant breathe.. its almost like im drowning.

i havent spoken to brian in atleast 10 years possibly. not a single word. across the universe is a soul i once loved wholefully and now were strangers. i think a piece of me hurts still today. like a lost limb. how can i go through life and succeed at only making connections that count when my first connection is fried and dead.

how do i begin to process the things i now understand when one small piece of me is gravitating through space.

i was told not to long ago that you are infact alive. simply living- trying to stay to urself.

as this new person i am. as i am learning and growing. you were a big part of who i was- i wish u could see who ive become. my soul acknowledges your absence and i am aware of it.

i hope love and light find you on ur dark days. and that you follow that light to become whoever you are meant to be.