#only a bit more than two months left until lot europe

[phaoi]

.

[doomedmoth]

Better kind of best friend

Pairing : Reader x Alexandra Saint Mleux x Charles Leclerc | Poly & bisexual fem!reader

Warnings : slight emotional cheating, obsessive/possessive/manipulative behavior, suggestive content/smut, fluff then angst then dark fluff, inaccurate racing calendar and school programs, polyamory, use of y/n

Synopsis : When you left the UK for a year long art restoration program in Monaco, you mainly wanted to make some friends. What you didn’t expect was to find your best friend on the first day. And then fall in love with her. And then get tangled in the web of Monaco high society as her boyfriend came back to town, unaware of your little affairs. What the fuck happened to you, you just wanted to make some friends…

Moth’s prophecy💡: Hi frieeeends, sorry for any mistakes, I haven’t written more than blurbs in a while. The poly, Charles, dark parts and smut will happen in the next chapters, I intend on making three of them. The first is mostly gay panic and tooth rotting fluff, so enjoy before it all goes to shit !!

As you stepped outside of Nice’s airport, you felt like you were finally breathing. The weather wasn’t particularly gloomy when you had left London, but nothing compared to the Mediterranean sun and the breeze of the sea. It had always had an inexplicable calming effect on you, now only interrupted by an old French woman throwing what sounded like insults at you as she moved past you towards the parking lot. The sea, you had missed. French people, not so much.

As you embarked on your second journey of buses and trains to your final destination, you took the time of going once more over the details of what would be your schedule those next few months. After getting your degree in Conservation and Restoration of Cultural Heritage, your parents thought it would only do you good to go practice on the field before even thinking of applying to any museum in the UK. You had gone on vacation on the French south coast a few times with them, and in a surprising but welcome turn of events, the Pavillon Bosio, Monaco’s art school, was organizing an internship welcome to all students of arts degrees in Europe. For your parents, a precious opportunity to add an experience to your CV in a prestigious setting. For you, the occasion to enjoy the beach and make friends in an artist residency after five years of hard work at university. Win-win.

The sun was setting on the hills when you finally settled into your room at the residency. Located close to the school, in the high parts of Monaco, the house was old but gorgeous, with pale pink walls and palm trees everywhere in the garden. Ivy leaves were growing at your window, which gave you a view of the port lighting up in the evening. Three floors high, there were a total of 8 bedrooms, all to be occupied by students of the Bosio program. The two remaining were, according to the brief, residents of Monaco.

You threw yourself on the bed with a sigh, your suitcases not even opened yet. The birds were singing softly and your eyes started to flutter in rhythm with them. If you did not make a move, you would be fast asleep, you thought. Yet it seemed like such an effort…

“Ciaoooo !” You sat straight up from the fluffy bed, meeting a pair of green eyes in the opening of the door “Oh scusa, ti ho svegliato ?”

The girl had gorgeous ginger hair, though likely unnatural, flowing down to her waist, and a mischievous smile. She seemed a bit younger than you, and kept staring back at you until you shook your head and answered.

“Sorry ! Um, English is okay ? For you ? No parlo…” was it even parlo ? You were trying to get your point across, hoping she would forgive your mistakes. “No parlo Italiano ?”

“Aaaah yeah yeah sure !” She chuckled, her accent even richer in English. “I’m sorry, did I wake you up ? I just arrived, it seems like we’re the only ones there…”

“No, no don’t worry, I was just resting my eyes. I did not check the other rooms, are we really ?” She nodded, pouting and crossing her arms. She probably expected a big welcome party. “I’m Y/N.”

“Chiara ! Let’s go have a drink when you’ve unpacked !”

You smiled as the girl waved and trotted downstairs. She was right, unpacking right now would probably be a good idea.

“Cazzo, la mia testa…” Chiara groaned while walking down the stairs from her bedroom to the shared kitchen.

Definitely, you had been right to not follow her in town the day before the start of “classes”. The bottle of wine you downed together in under half an hour had been enough, and when she had left to go explore the nearest bars, you had opted for a swift retreat into your room.

This coincided with the arrival of two other students, with whom you spent the rest of the evening making small talk. Apparently another one had arrived in the night.

The Italian boy you hadn’t met was immediately assaulted by Chiara, who seemed to know him. And it also seemed the feeling wasn’t mutual. You understood almost nothing of their exchange, but it made you and your new roommates laugh quite a lot.

The rest of the morning passed slowly, your shared breakfast only interrupted by Chiara’s flow of anecdotes, and a few exchanges about where each one of you was coming from and what studies you did before. One of the girls you had met the night before was going through the rule book of the residency, stating out loud the facts she found relevant.

It’s only around twelve, as you were all getting ready to head to the school for your first meeting, that the three last students arrived to the house. A few pleasantries were exchanged, a promise of a good meal together tonight to meet properly, and you all left the residency, following happily the little path from the garden up the hills.

The Pavillon Bosio looked more like a huge villa than a school, hidden between the trees. With its cute red roof and stunning view of the sea, you were all in awe as you entered through the gates.

“Bonjour, bonjour tout le monde ! This way please, for the restoration workshop right ? This way, come !” An old bearded man with a thick French accent welcomed you all, guiding you through the corridors of the school.

You settled in a small classroom, tables filled with paper cups, coffee dispensers and pastries. The old man introduced himself as the head of the program, and encouraged you to have a drink and get to know each other while waiting for the last two students. You couldn’t help but notice that some things never change, it’s always the one who live the closest who are the latest.

But you had barely any time to put down your bags and take a coffee before laughter was heard in the hallway, two voices clearly making their way towards you. And as they entered the room, your head started spinning.

There they were, the two monegasques, the last missing pieces of your eclectic little group of students. The man was quite elegant, dressed all in black in spite of the warm temperature, and body dripping with gold jewelry. But the girl, oh the girl… With long straight chestnut hair, and eyes of an even darker shade of brown, she was holding on to her friend’s arms with a delicacy only found in children who grew up bathed in the finest luxuries. She was wearing a white summer dress that did nothing to hide the shape of her body, and accentuated her sun-kissed skin. Everyone turned to them as they entered the room, but it seemed to you her eyes were only on you. The thought that you would have been the first to catch her attention made you blush, and you went on to hide your embarrassment in your cup of coffee.

“Alexandra, Luca, bienvenue ! Toujours un plaisir de vous revoir !” The old man, whose name you had learnt was Jean-Paul, went on to shake the hands of the two students, who he seemed to know already. “Je vous en prie, installez vous, prenez un café !”

The man, Luca if you understood correctly, stayed by the teacher’s side, engaging in a conversation punctuated by loads of “Oh !” and “Ah”, but the girl made her way to you with a determination that made you want to hide under the table.

She lost no time serving herself a cup of coffee and a pastry, and turned to you with a smile brighter than the summer sun. As she put her hand on your shoulder, leaning in to lay a kiss on each of your cheeks, you felt as if all the air had been sucked from your body.

“Alexandra, nice to meet you !”

And just like that, your whole world had turned upside down.

In the days that followed that meeting, all the little group of students started to get along pretty well, getting to know each other from their studies to the role they would play in your year-long project, while also sharing personal anecdotes at night, under the trees of the residency’s garden.

But the bond you felt with Alexandra, that was something else. It was as if you two had known each other forever, everything flowed smoothly, and your passions were either shared by the girl, or met with genuine curiosity and interest. Not even two weeks had passed and you already had little habits, inside jokes and plans for the rest of the year.

In the first stage of the program, the work was mainly research and preparation of the artworks, which meant that except for the mandatory seminars and meetings here and there, you were free to schedule your work time and partners as you pleased. This led to Alexandra coming to the house every morning, having breakfast with you, and going to the school together, or settling in your bedroom with your computers and working, or at least trying, together. If you gave yourself free time, she would take you to museums, or restaurants she enjoyed, or just lying down in parks as she tried to teach you some French. She was kind and patient, and in a desperate wish to get her to like you, you tried to be the best student, reading diligently every book she recommended you.

You quickly realized that although she was a true social butterfly, the whole group of students enjoying having her around, she was much more comfortable when you were just the two of you. She would often suggest you sneak off from team activities, wanting to share the secrets of the city she grew up in only with you. And there was no way you would complain about that. By the end of September, you deeply felt like you had found the best of best friends.

You didn’t know how it got so bad so quickly. No, actually, you did. Alexandra was the worst kind of best friend for someone as prone as you to catch feelings. You had always been quite close physically with your friends, hugging and holding hands were essentials for you to express your affection, but you also knew how weak you could be to pet names and fluttering eyelashes, and with each day that passed, she was making it harder for you to only see her as a friend.

You knew she was aware of her beauty and of how everyone seemed to gravitate towards her, but how could she not realize that the amount of affection she gave you was on the borderline of what would be considered “normal” for a girl friendship ? How could she so casually play with your hair, nails softly digging into your scalp as she lulled you to sleep, your head on her legs in your bed ? How could she lack all sense of modesty, casually undressing in front of you when preparing for a party, and expecting you to help her choose a dress as if you weren’t face to face with her lacy underwear and model body.

You truly despised yourself for ruining such a pure friendship with those thoughts, and desperately tried to remember to not break her trust by being not better than those “nice guys” you had so often dealt with yourself. But what you thought could be a simple physical attraction, something that would pass with a few drinks and the arms of an unknown frenchie, turned into a feeling that burned your insides and made your heart ache a little bit more everyday.

You had so often longed for a soft love, someone who would accept and care for you with the same warmth as you would for them. Friends, good friends, you always had many. Deep friendship, much less so. But the bond you had with Alexandra, you had never experienced it before. You were starting to think that if you had ever felt love before, it had been nothing more than a crush in comparison to this.

You tried to be a good friend. Controlling your breathing when she touched you. Inviting others to your gatherings when you felt you might confess after one too many drinks. Trying not to read too much into her actions, but damn it, she really seemed to be like this only with you.

In the end, what lost you were the pet names. One in particular, she would always throw carelessly as if the word didn’t roll on her lips, sweet like honey.

“Coucou mon chou !”

Waving at you and jumping in your arms, she would repeat the pet name again and again just to see you blush, and who were you to deny her… At first you did not know the meaning of it, and thinking of it, maybe you should have never asked.

It was the middle of October, and you were working with her and Chiara in the school, getting started on repairing some of the minor artworks that were entrusted to you. Well, more like you and Chiara were working, and Alexandra was tagging along out of boredom. With her degree in Art History, her role in the workshop wasn’t as much on the artworks than on their exposition. Which mostly meant your ginger friend was peeling little gold leaves while listening to EDM so loud you could still shake your head in rhythm through her headphones, and Alexandra was glued to you, even in the most uncomfortable of positions.

She had started working on little braids in your hair when, once again, the pet name was used.

“Mon chou, d’you have any hair ties ?”

“What does it mean ?” You asked as plainly as possible, while giving her the hair tie on your wrist.

“What does what mean ?”

“Mon chou. I guess that’s a nickname but you haven’t taught me what it means.” Something good, you hoped. Something sweet.

“No way you don’t know what’s a chou ?!” She grabbed you by the shoulders and you had to follow her movement swiftly in order to not ruin your work “Un chou ? Like… un chou à la crème ?” You nodded no, a bit shameful. You should have looked it up yourself. “It’s a pastry, dear. Something delicious, very airy, the best are filled with cream ? My favorite.” She planted a kiss on your cheek, and you thought, honest to god, that you could die happy on the spot. “Just like you.”

If only this had stopped there. But the next day, when she came to the residency, she snuck the breakfast directly into your room. You had barely woken up when she sat on the side of your bed, seemingly quite excited. She made you sit up and pushed some strands of hair behind your ears before placing the small pastry box on your knees.

“What is this Alex…?” You groaned while pushing back the curtains with one hand, rubbing your eyes with the other.

“Des choux !” She was grinning from ear to ear, and did not give you much more time to comprehend before opening the box. In it, a myriad of little golden cream puffs were staring back at you. “Des choux pour mon chou !” She giggled at her joke and you could not help but laugh too, for the gift was both actually funny, and sweet. “You gotta taste !”

You agreed, but she seemed to have something else in mind as she took one between her slender fingers and brought it up to your mouth. Surely she would not…? And surely she did. Taking advantage of your stupid lack of reaction time, she softly pushed the pastry between your lips, not enough to make you gag on it, yet you could still feel her digit rubbing your bottom lip before making an exit, leaving you dumbfounded and mouth full of the soft cream. Oh yes, you were definitely fucked.

October came to an end, the heavy temperatures and lazy afternoons on the beach leaving place to walks in the old town, cuddled together under one huge scarf. But the evening breeze did nothing to appease the fire in your heart, nor did it slow the speed at which your feelings for Alexandra deepened every day. If not too long ago, you wished for your friendship to stay as pure as the summer sky, now you only longed to confess, lay your heart out before her as a sacrifice, telling her to eat it raw, and the whole of you with it. It was a mixture of love, devotion and desire so strong, she could have asked you to worship her and you would have built a cathedral in her honor.

But you were oh so afraid of ruining everything. If she didn’t return your feelings, that was one thing. But what if she hated you for it ? You could not bear the thought of being apart from her, especially knowing you would still have to work with her for the rest of the year. You would rather eat your feelings than let it happen.

You were still pondering what it could mean for you both when you arrived at her apartment, in the very center of Monaco. You had been there quite a few times, even more recently, to work, to crash after evenings out, or just to have sleepovers, like tonight. It was very well located, and filled with expensive and tasteful furniture, but you did not really like it.

She had explained to you that she did her studies in Paris, and her parents still lived in Monaco. She would also often hang out at friends’ places, in and out of Monaco, and even spend weekends outside of the country quite frequently, with friends as well. The apartment was mostly a safety net, an investment, but you could feel nothing of her in it. It was barely decorated, a bit more those last few weeks now that you two were constantly buying stupid trinkets in token of your friendship, but you did not see her in it.

Yet, as she opened the door and took you instantly in her arms, whispering in your ear, home is the only word that came to your mind.

“Bonsoir mon petit chou”

“Bonsoir louloute” you answered sheepishly with your shitty accent, greeting her with the pet name she had taught you, one her friend Luca often used. It did not mean anything, just sounded cute.

She giggled, taking your hand and leading you inside. Very quickly, through music, wine and hair curlers, the mood for the evening was set. The alcohol made you speak more freely, and hopefully, it would help Alexandra too. Even though she said you knew things about her that nobody else did, there were still many subjects where you could feel her hesitation to delve in. It’s okay, with time, she would trust you about those too, you were sure of it.

She was babbling on about some friends’ drama while sitting on the edge of the window, when you took in the sight in front of you. She had taken off her hair curlers, and put on a satin robe that was slowly falling down her shoulder. The show of lights behind her, flickering between the moon and the glow of the city’s street lamps, made her features stand out even more. Her hair looked so shiny, her skin so soft, and the sparkle in her eye… Nothing she said really mattered, yet you could listen to her for hours and hours, as long as she kept blessing you with this sight.

You must have stared too intensely or for too long, because she came down from her seat and knelt on the floor, right in front of you, softly cupping your cheek with her hand.

“Ça va mon chou ?” Her brows furrowed, and she brought her other hand to your forehead. “You okay ?”

Her hot breath, inches away from your face. Her perfume, tickling your nose, you could almost see it dripping from her neck. Her fingers, drawing small figures on your cheeks. And her lips… there she was, so close, almost face to face, you had dreamt of this so often, and only now you realized how pink her lips were.

Maybe it was the amount of wine, maybe the temperature in her living room, but everything started spinning, and before you knew it, you had closed the gap and crashed your lips against hers. One hand on her small waist, the other in her hair, the kiss was messy, sticky like honey, you wanted to bite and barely restrained yourself. You felt like your heart was about to explode when she moaned into your mouth, and you were pretty sure you felt it drop when she pulled away.

For what felt like an eternity, you stayed silent, panting, eyes locked, air heavy with the realization of what had just happened. She blushed, and you started smiling, before she spoke in a shaky breath, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Y/N… I’m sorry I…. I have a boyfriend…”

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3

[plotbunnsies]

Can I Save Them All

Part 3/?

Previous / next

Louis looked around the abandoned apartment, pondering.

He looked the place up and turns out it's for sale. The whole building actually is, and for a low price, which is suspicious, and Louis can’t figure out why?

Louis has been here for a month now, and there’s nothing wrong with this apartment. He’s inspected this apartment 4 times, and after seeing the building’s price, he thoroughly inspected it again, and came out blank! He’s even done a day’s worth of research in case a quirk affected the building or something, but all he came up with was that it’s on the bad side of Musutafu (Which is bullshit. No one has bothered Louis until now and there are no heroes patrolling here. If anything, this is probably the safest part of Musutafu, just a bit dirty)

So, Louis decided he wants to buy the building, and after a bit of searching, he found a job that will help him get the money needed.

It’s at a cat café. He’s very excited. He’s never come near a cat before, and he’s very curious(a lot of people call them “Backstabbing” creatures, and yet people love them? To the point of people calling them their boss? interesting)

He’s filled up an application, got accepted, and now he only needs to go to the café so they know he’s a real person and not a liar.

But before he closed his laptop, something caught his eye. A question.

A quirk question, on a forum he was browsing for any signs of a character that he knows the age of (he’s still hesitant to hack with Nezu around). Louis knows next to nothing about quirks (he really needs to research more) but

He knows biology. He knows about human, animal, and insect biology and he knows physics and chemistry and he knows too much for an eighteen-year-old (he had personas he needed to perfect)

And Louis was curious (he’s been curious) He wanted to know whether this knowledge could help him or will it be of no use. If he’s literally going to have to relearn everything. And this question seemed harmless enough. Just asking if there's a way to control a hearing-enhancing quirk (they sounded desperate) The answer won't harm anyone

So Louis wrote a "quick" reply (it was three pages long) and ran out of the door. He had an interview? To nail.

--

Louis loves cats.

They're small and agile and light to pick up and furry and meows and purrs when you scratch them just right and-

Louis loves cats.

The owner of the cat café was pleased by that (he wasn't sure about Louis’s "I'm not sure" when the application asked him about his opinion of cats) but he still needed to ask Louis some questions.

"And it says here that you've worked in a café before?" The man, with greying hair and a kind face and the softest smile ever directed at Louis, asked.

"Yes"

"..do you have a manager's number? An owner I could ask about you?"

"No, that was when I lived in Europe"

"Ah, well how about you try making a drink? This is a café, after all. You'll need more than a love for cats to work here"

And that's how Louis got his job. He made a regular cappuccino with a caramel pump and drew a cat on top (oh my lord this looks adorable!) And the owner hired me (kid you were made for this) he said, which Louis laughed off. He was very much not made for this.

So he left the café, after giving every cat a treat, and promised the owner (just call me Komi, kid!) To come to work at 6 am. And so, Louis was on his way to the apartment. 

But soon, someone started tailing him. Louis walked three blocks, took two turns and the guy was still behind him.

This caused Louis to panic (what did he do? He's only hacked once into the government database and that's only to add his identity. Nothing else! He didn't even steal that much, only going out to steal twice a week) so quietly, Louis whispered to himself. 

"Two miles" he felt more than heard a confirming beeb, and just like that all cameras within a two-mile radius were disabled. Louis took a turn into an alleyway and quickly scaled the building, and is currently standing on a fire escape, calmly waiting for his stalker to come. 

Soon, a guy entered the alleyway, looking around impatiently. He didn't call anyone upon not seeing Louis, instead kicking the wall angrily and then moving to get out of the alley.

No, Louis thought as he jumped down behind the man and held a knife to his neck.

"Why did you follow me" He asked, inching the knife ever so slowly into his neck. 

"I-I didn't, I just wanted some money, man!"

Oh

Maybe the people complaining about this place were right. Perhaps it is a dangerous place.

Louis knocked him unconscious and continued his walk home.

"Disable two miles," he said absentmindedly. This is the first time he went anywhere without knowing everything about it. Sure he's not here for a reason, he just ended up here, but he does need to research this place more.

He just needs to find a way to do it without getting anyone's attention. 

--

Well, Louis was not ready for this. (He's not been ready for a lot of things since getting here)

Fourteen people, fourteen different individuals, were in his DMs and were asking for help using their quirks. Five of them were willing to pay for his advice. 

Louis is not ready for this.

But the promise of money keeps him from deleting his account (what part of staying unnoticed did he not understand?!) so stared at his laptop. He stared for 20 seconds, then he closed the laptop, put it in his backpack, and headed to the nearest bank.

He’s gonna need an account if he’s going to work online, after all.

--

 It was four in the morning. Louis was researching how exactly touch-based quirks work when he heard something.

Footsteps. Light, quiet footsteps climb the stairs of the building to the last floor.

The floor Louis was in.

Louis got up, and crept to the front door, waiting.

The footsteps came closer, Louis took out his knife.

Knob started to move, Louis took a deep breath

The door was pushed open, and Louis lunged his knife at the intruder’s neck. Sharp brown eyes met startled blue eyes, and Louis froze.

He was holding a knife at Dabi’s neck.

He slowly lowered the knife, watching Dabi for any signs of aggression, and laughed nervously.

“Sorry, bad habit”

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I knowww that Quirk analysis is what Midoryia usually do in bnha fanfics, but i also want louis to do it and it's good technically legal source of money! Louis cant go around befriending good people if he's doing very illegal things. gotta start kinda small and when you cement yourself into the friend group you start showing your more messed up side! anyway for anyone who's reading this hope you enjoy! Previous / next

[formulinos]

Hyperfixation Corner | On the Grid: 2022 French Grand Prix

Yes, the rumours are true. I went to a Formula 1 race for the first time and nothing like the (possibly) last French Grand Prix, at Circuit Paul Ricard, to pop my cherry. Naturally, I had to write a whole ass essay for this Experiénce™ to give you guys a bit of insight about my first time, so if you want to partake in my three day vacation at the south of France, featuring a bit of sightseeing and a lot of car-watching, join me after the cut! 

prologue: how did i land at paul ricard

friday: free practicing my tourist skills

saturday: fan forum of hell

sunday: scenes at the race

epilogue: a few final thots

prologue: how did i land at paul ricard

First of all, to put things into context, I wanted to tell you a bit about the chain of events that led me to the GP. I left my home country (BRASIL PENTACAMPEÃO 🇧🇷 🇧🇷 🇧🇷 🇧🇷 🇧🇷) last year to study in Paris, where I will be until 2023. It's been definitely one of the times of my life and I try to stay positive and look at the opportunities I get to have here. In all these years I have been a F1 fan, I have never been able to afford tickets to Interlagos, and I'm not kidding. It's not that my family is broke, but we're also completely unable to afford three tickets, accomodation, plane tickets and other expenses in a way that will see us last the weekend alive. And if I look at it from a solo perspective, I never had the company to go with me besides my family and, to be fair, I'd love to go with them since they never went either, they taught me everything I know about the sport and they dream of attending one day. 

note: luckily I have two homegirls now who would love to go to a GP with me, so maybe in 2023 I'll tag along with them! still hope to drag mom and aunt with me tho :)

Anyway, the point is that being in Europe, I have the money to spare from the savings we had for me to come here + the internship I've been doing for the past months. Plus, I'm alone here and will be for a good while, so I only account for myself and I'm not sucking money out of my family's finances. Another advantage is that travelling between countries here manages to be easier than travelling inside Brazil, so it doesn't really matter what was the destination as long as I could manage to land some tickets.... so of course I bought tickets for Monza in the first available opportunity.

I had looked up tickets for both France and Monaco before, but both of those started selling before I got the internship and were in theory sold out, while Monza started selling after I had the internship. Actually, scratch that, France had an offer going on for a one-day ticket + train from Paris to the circuit combo that sounded absurd from the point of view of someone who suffers from fibromyalgia and expensive from the point of view of a foreign student, so I tapped out of that one. However, imagine my surprise when I received an email from the organisers, offering me a lifeline in the form of a lanky french driver that looks like that one character from that one cartoon movie I forgot. The one where they go down the drain. You know the one.

Esteban Ocon, I wish I could kiss you. In fact, I probably could have if I had stayed later on Saturday, but more on that later. Point is I never pulled my wallet so fast and typed the wacky numbers in my card online since that one time I really wanted to get the Rose Gold Princess Peach skin on Mario Kart Online - and I didn't get it. But I did get the tickets, paid in 3x because no way I could do it all in one go. It was the end of the month after all.

Anyway, from that point onwards, I started planning the logistics. I had gotten tickets for Saturday and Sunday only, since I can't get full vacations at the moment as an intern, I would only be allowed 2 days off for each month I work. I booked those so that I could arrive on Friday at wherever I would stay, get my stuff ready for the GP, and go back home on Monday without much of a hurry to work. 

Once that was established, I needed to know where I would stay, and there were a few options of cities to stay with buses/trains to the circuit, like Marseille, Toulon and La Ciotat, but I landed in Aix-En-Provence. Lovely place, I chose it there because I had been there before last November and so I already knew how the town worked and how to get there. Therefore, I booked myself both train tickets to Aix and the Express GP bus tickets that took me from the bus station to the circuit and vice-versa. From this, I booked myself an AirBnb just 5 minutes away from the station so that I didn't have to walk much longer after getting back late at night if it was the case and voilà! All good to go, it was time to race.

friday: free practicing my tourist skills

There is something I didn't tell you about the Provence, but that you might have heard about. They have big fuckoff lavender fields you have only dreamt of. It's some White Girl Pinterest Aesthetic Moodboard shit. Since I discovered the benefits of essential oil aromatherapy in 2020, I became a certified lavender lover, and even got a few friends hooked on it as well, so visiting the fields became something to check off my list in France. 

As the slogan for the Grand Prix said, it was Le Summer Race after all, specifically at the time where the lavenders bloom - they usually are the pretty lilac flowers we know between June and August, when they get harvested. After that the fields get all cut up and the process of growth starts again. While Aix-En-Provence isn't the hot spot for them, since the big fields are in like, Luberon and Valensole Plateau, they have a lot of lavender products available in their shops and, as I discovered online, a small field in a Maison de Lavande called Terre Ugo. Since I couldn't possibly take a day tour to Luberon as I had to get ready for the GP, I decided to reschedule my tickets for 6 am (ha) so that I could visit the Maison in the morning before shopping for groceries and checking in the Airbeebee. Great plan.

I took my ass to the Gare de Lyon, a railway station in Paris where I'd take a 3-hour high speed train to Aix-En-Provence. Left the house in black pitch darkness at 5:00 am after zero sleep (I had a rough week) but I enjoyed the way. I really think Paris is at it's best when there are no Parisians out. We're safe <3

A bit of Gare de Lyon and the time I left. So extra lmao.

The trip went super well, I managed to get an hour of sleep without getting my contact lenses stuck in my eyes, so I call it a W. The way was super pretty as well as I got to see the morning rise and some cute sunflower fields.

The Aix-En-Provence train station is actually roughly 13 km away from downtown, so I took a bus to get to Aix properly. By that point it was already over 28 ºC, but I'm from Rio so of course I spent 30 minutes waiting for another bus, this time the one that would take me to the lavenders and boy..... was I satisfied.

The place smelled SO FUCKING GOOD. Aromatherapists were right, I just took some breath in and I felt the anxiety coming out. The place was pretty nicely set up, as you took a stroll there were plaques explaining the importance of the bugs that you would see around and a bit of the history of lavender, and they kept some chairs and pillows around in case you want to sit down and maybe even have a picnic! Since I had a bit of time to spare, I got myself under a tent and just took the beauty in. A friend of mine said that they weren't in full bloom and it was probably because of the extra heat in summer this year that didn't allow them to grow properly, so I think Seb is right in being annoying about climate change. 

Right after that, I got back downtown to eat literally any-fucking-where that had an AC on (something rare here in France). Ate a salad because it was too hot to even consider something else, had a very nice, very cold Coca-Cola and then forced myself to have milkshake for dessert just so I could kill another half hour. Once that was done, I went to a supermarket to buy myself some water and food for the GP the next days since I wasn't feeling like spending my time in long queues for those items. Also took a chance and bought a sharpie just in case I managed to get some autographs. More on that later, also.

Cool. Checked in the Airbnb and I'm still not sure whether it was a good place or not. It was super well located and the sofa-bed was comfy, the kitchen was brand new, but the bathroom smelled of mold, the elevator wasn't working and there was no wi-fi, which would have been acceptable if the 4G worked there. But a highlight goes to the nearly broken toilet with THIS lid:

Of course, my first visit to the supermarket was a flop because I actually bought surprisingly little food, and it was only after a nice conversation with @baku2017​ that I realised I had to get myself some proper sandwiches, so I bolted to the closest supermarket before it closed to get that and some more water. In my defence, I was completely full after eating and it was super hot, so I couldn't even consider what would hungry me be like. Food obtained, it was time to sleep and get ready for an early rise.

saturday: fan forum of hell

Not sleeping the day before ended up being great for me because I slept like a lamb drunk on beer from Friday to Saturday and I legit felt like an anime princess when I woke up. My process for both Saturday and Sunday were the same: I had the bags practically setup (only missing the water that was on the refrigerator and the fruits and sandwiches I got wrapped in the morning) and my clothes for the day were also set aside, so I'd literally just wake up, get the food done, have breakfast, shower, put clothes on, put the packages inside the bag and head to the bus station that was just 5 min away from my place. Well, I did wake up an extra half an hour early on Saturday to get my makeup ready 🤡 🤡 🤡 

i really thought Mick would sweep me away from my feet right then and there smh

Now, I have to be honest with you: I don't do traffic. I just can't, not ever since I peed my pants on the way to the beach because we were 4 hours completely stopped. It's not like there were bushes anywhere close, if I went out to pee everyone would have seen, so it got to a point where it hurt so bad my body overwrote my power of will and I pissed myself inside my godfather's car. I am firmly determined to never go through that again so I had to make sure I would get on the first bus available of the day to go to the circuit, which meant being at the station 6:30am to leave 7am.

French organisation said there would be one depart every 5 minutes from 7 to 10. In reality, what they meant was one every half an hour from 7 to 9:30 am, except on Sunday, which is when you really need the buses. In this case, it would be one every half an hour from 7:30 to 9 am. Didn't matter much to me since I was there from the get go for the first bus, but I imagine how pissed some people must have been. Bus tickets were 25 euros per day (round trip), which is cheaper than a taxi or uber there and much more guaranteed not to be in traffic, so I felt confident in my bladder to make it dry to the GP. Besides that, the seats were super comfy and there were plug outlets for phone charging and AC, which in Saturday's weather (hottest day of the weekend) was very appreciated.

bus stop, bus and the view to the gp. not a bad way to spend early morning!

After a little over an hour and no peeing, I got to the Circuit! The gate where the bus stopped at was at the same side of both my tribune and the Fan Zone, which made my walking much better. Here's a very blurry picture of the path I drew to my friends from the shitty map that was in the ticket pdf (red zone behind the main straight was the fan zone and the grey area is the bus stop). Overall, I think it took me like 15 minutes to go from one point to the other. Oh, and my tribune was in the orange zone (Virage du Pont ftw!)

As I walked to the Fan Zone, I saw a lot of stands selling team merch and food/beverages. Some of the food choices were very bold, like a whole stand of fried stuff is really for those who trust their digestive system and that don't suffer from reflux. I shuddered. But the real interesting stuff, I thought, was Village Sud, that tried to emulate the charm of the cute streets of the Provence. Tried.

clown of the year award goes to the guy who came up with the idea to add an army enlistment booth to the village. 

these were some papier maché heads that are a tradition in the carnivals of the south of france. they did some of the drivers which were creepy but the intention was nice. i still don't know if the first head is supposed to be charles or lando.

My goal for the day was to try and get a few autographs for both me and my friends in the Fan Forum. I personally wanted Seb, Fernando, Mick, Charles and Carlos, while the laid ease wanted Zhou, Yuki, Lance and Daniel. So, I knew it was key to get there as early as possible so I could stay the closest to the rail and hope for the best. Of course it wasn't enough as some lunatics were there since 7 am, but I was still close enough to try. At the very least, close enough to look at them.

The original schedule had two Fan Forums, one in the morning (9h30 to 10h30) and one after quali (19h to 20h). So, naturally, they did two in the morning (10h10 and 11h40) and another after quali (19h to 19h30). This probably had to do with the fact that Haas and Ferrari, which were slotted for post-quali appearances ended up actually being the first teams to show up. So, our lineup for the morning was: Haas, Ferrari, Mercedes, Red Bull, W*lliams, McLaren and Alpine. A girl grabbed my hat to try to get some autographs, but it was practically impossible with all the front row competition, so I honestly just considered it fun to be there, listen to the drivers and feel the ambiance (great mood all around in spite of the heat!). Here are some screenshots of the videos I made:

sir lewis (george came right after, they did their interviews separated somehow), mick (kmag was there, just a bad angle), SCUDERIA FERRARI, red bull, alpine and mclaren

My personal highlights are: 

- Haas: Mick hearing the french crowd scream "PARLEZ FRANÇAIS" and then doing a good chunk of his interview in french just for us. Crowd went wild, panties went wet - Ferrari: EVERYTHING. Crowd went crazy everytime Charles talked and cheered him like insane, people started cheering Carlos up when he said he felt Saturday wouldn't be as nice for him because of the penalty and that he'd have to try a bit more on Sunday - Lewis: I honestly fell in love with the guy. I don't know what he has but it's something. Super fit and the way he talks is just like, I know he says that to everyone but he makes you believe you are indeed the best crowd he has ever seen. Lovely smile and he always makes a point of talking not just about himself but to include either the team or the fans. Guy trains his ego in the gym every morning to keep it in check probably. Still haven't forgiven him for 2008 but I'm glad I called the truce in 2020. - Red Bull: THE MESS HAHAHAH. Checo looked out of it IMO, like he waved and thanked the guys who were there for him but a bit dismissively. I can say many things about Super Max and I will if you ask me, but he looked more engaged in the conversation and tried to give nice answers, so he gets a few points for that. Funniest thing was that after they were over, they didn't come down the center to do autographs for people, which was such a dick move because the Team Checo guys were RIGHT THERE and from my side there were three guys waving Max's helmet replica and merch for him to sign. Crowd began booing (which wasn't hard because actually apparently people really don't like Max there? I thought people would love him more considering he is the reining champion) so Ariana Bravo had to say "hey we don't do this here!" which led to more booing because how dare you tell the French what to do. I didn't get too mad because I think if I was Max and I knew only three people liked me I would leave too. - Alpine: Felt really, really good to see Ocon being so well received. Gasly is still the apple of the French's eyes but Ocon was cheered as a hero, which makes sense when you consider he is now a Grand Prix winner with THE French team, but when you see the media's portrayal of him as a bit of a black sheep in contrast with Gasly being the ignored Crown Prince, it just felt great to see him being hit with the love. Alonso was in a great mood too and did his whole interview in French, which drove people wild. If Ocon is a hero there, then Alonso is the greatest of them all, as 2-times champion with Renault. People will never forget that and I'm sure Fernando just LOVES it, as he should and he deserves! Also I confess that it was here the only time I was like "wow, he really is short" because even when you consider that anyone looks short close to Ocon, Fernando seems smaller than in his pics.  - McLaren: Lando has a weird sense of humour that led him to say he hoped to specifically beat Alpine in this race and people *almost* booed before they started laughing and everyone realised it was a joke hahaha. Daniel honestly has some sort of attention span issue because he tried to answer his questions but he would just go like "hey I can say anything in French and make the crowd go wild watch this". At some point he just Pierre......... GASLY! two times in a row. I just wanted to hear him say some actual words lmao - W*lliams: when they left.

Fan Forum I done, I headed back to the Tribune Esteban Ocon, located at the Virage du Pont, aka turn 15, last of the circuit. It's there where cars enter the pit lane and speed down before starting a fast lap in quali, amongst others. While it's not usual to see overtakes there, you can see them get ready to attack and activate DRS. Overall, while you can't see the entire circuit, you can see the cars, which is not bad at all for the first time. You can also see a bit of the pit lane and the motorhomes!

some of the pictures might have chromatic aberration because of the zoom lenses I was using attached to my phone. don't mind me! not in the motorhome picture, but I could also see Mercedes' motorhome to the right of Red Bull's

Important to note: If you ask me anything about what the racing was like, objectively, I have no clue. FP3 came and went and it was just a vibe seeing the cars go in and out and do their cheeky laps. Honestly couldn't tell if Red Bull had good pace or if Aston Martin were going to flop again, I was just like. "Car go Brr" 

see what I told you about the pit lane? so cool! (FP3)

I think FP3 might have been my favourite session out of the three. While I usually just vibe with it when I'm at home, in there it felt like qualifying but without the stakes, which was much more enjoyable. People were cheering whenever their favourite driver passed in front of them and even more when they improved their lap times. It was completely insane to cheer for the fastest lap in a practice section yet that was exactly what was happening. It was like the driving equivalent of the guy skating while drinking juice and singing along to Dreams tiktok

W Series.... I don't want to talk about it much, but well. The cars are really freaking slow, to the point where they really stand out from the F1 and F2 races that are held on the same weekend. Fair, I suppose, as they are supposedly F3 cars, but I also don't watch F3 for the same reason. I feel that since most of the W Series drivers have a lot of experience they could do with better cars, which sucks because they end up looking amateur, even more when they have race incidents (in fact, there were two safety cars in a 30 min race). There is still a lot to be made to properly encourage race growth, and a few suggestion I have are: age limit to maximise chances of the girls going ahead to F3/F2 posts and the champion prize should be enough to fund them into an F3 team as well; they should also consider having the same champion rule as F2 that the winner doesn't get to remain in it for the next season - kinda sucks for Chadwick since she didn't manage to get a seat in another Formula series but it's probably the third championship for her in a road, so it's time to go, really; Maybe an investment that could be made is a team with woman drivers in both F3 and F2. Might never win it but it could be nice to showcase young talents. That being said I don't grieve any of the W Series drivers or organisers and if anything they are all doing what people kept them from doing for years. Good for them!!!

Quali came and it was ELECTRIFYING. I usually dread qualis because I just don't have it in me not to be anxious ever and the time constraint and high stakes just get me, but I was in the mood! I was sincerely happy! Again, don't ask me what actually happened during it, I had no clue Carlos had given Charles a tow because I was just like "GO CHAAAAAARLEEEEES GOOOOOOOOO" screaming like a mad woman. I was just thankful we got the pole and it was so, so FUCKING COOL how you could feel the whole place shaking because France is rooting for le Monegasque.

sorry for the shaky gifs but here is Charles on a mega fast run in Q3!

Overall, it was a trip. Gasly's shit quali was def a mood killer and the whole crowd was super sad, but they kept sending good vibes to make sure Pierre knew he was supported! Same thing for Ocon in Q2. People were also in suspense when Mick was fighting Race Control over the track limits, fair imo as Race Control this year has been even worse than last year and that's saying something. Crowd also went wild for Alonso in Q3 as he was Renault's rep. Lots of love for Sir Lulu as well! I, personally, made sure I was as annoying as possible whenever Seb was out hahahahaha. Once quali was done, I quickly hurried back to the Fan Zone in an attempt to get #RailedForSeb. And man... I'll need to talk about the following events in therapy.

When I left there hadn't even been the post-quali interviews yet, Charles had barely re-entered the pit lane. And while in the morning I didn't exactly bolt to the Fan Zone, this time I really almost ran. AND YET THERE WERE ALREADY TWO LINES OF PEOPLE THERE AGAIN. I sincerely think that some of them didn't even watch FP3 or quali so that they could stay in the rail and maximise their chances. I suppose (and hope) that it wasn't their first Grand Prix so they wouldn't miss it too much.

Team Vettel stayed strong!

I decided to stay in their entrance to the stage since there was a bigger chance of him autographing stuff there than in the center, where he would only be once. Quali ended around 17h30 if i'm not mistaken, so it would be roughly an hour and a half that I would have to stand up with a heavy backpack on my shoulders in the scorching heat. Easy. Feasible. I didn't know, however, that in less than 10 minutes a little kid would show up and be an Omen of how much of a mess the rest of the day would be. In fact, I'll call the kid Damien just to make it easier to illustrate.

accurate photo of Little Damien

Damien was right at my side with his folks a little behind him, and he only had a notebook and a dream: to get all of the drivers' autographs. He hadn't been there in the morning so he hoped the evening would be a hit. There was only an issue: he wasn't right behind the rail and the spot he had chosen was occupied by a couple of older fans.

Now, Damien had a few possibilities to choose from: he could have moved somewhere else he could sneak in better. In fact, his mom said that his greatest advantage was that he was a tiny little kid, so he could easily slowly make his way to the rail without taking a lot of space from people. But he didn't want that. He could have also asked nicely to the people in front of him if they could hold his notebook and get autographs for him, but he wanted full control as well. So, instead of being ok with the place he was at and trying to position himself as well as possible, Damien decided to bitch and moan as audibly as everyone in a 10 m radius could hear for a WHOLE HOUR AND A HALF. 

First, he spend half an hour just screaming "THERE IS NO SPACE!!! THERE IS NO SPACE!!!!". Then, he turned to his mom a few couple of times and said, I swear to God, "there are these two old people in front of me and they are there just to watch! I want my autographs!". I was GOOPED at the audacity of this three year old to be that bitchy when the guys were right behind him and could perfectly understand French, what the fuck! Like, what makes you so entitled to think you are more worthy of an experience than all the other fans that are there for the same reason as you are? Is there an hierarchy of fans I haven't heard of?

the couple pretending they weren't understanding what the kid was saying

At that point, it was only getting hotter and hotter. And as people were coming in, they started to push each other closer and closer to the rail, which meant that I was now just one row behind it instead of the original two. Space was getting smaller and smaller, there wasn't much room to drink water and people were starting to be in a bit of a mood with anticipation and such. I started feeling bad because I looked back and I realised I couldn't actually leave anymore, there was no way to get out without being stepped over by people. So I started feeling nervous. Luckily, some staff came with bottles of water to people, which calmed a bit the nerves, but available space kept getting smaller and smaller.

It was during the water moment that Damien managed to get a bit closer as well, but still behind the aged couple. A guy who was there to take some pictures for his daughter had no choice but to let Damien in, and said so himself. Damien kept being foolish and running his mouth, so we all kind of decided, collectively, not to let him pass any further and block him hahahahaha. Maybe if his parents did a good job of keeping him quiet we would have been nicer but kid was a dick and suffered, so far, no consequence of it.

The hosts came in and announced that the first team would be Alpha Tauri, which led everyone to bolt forwards to get to Gasly when he would come in. I was being crushed from all sides and hanging on to my sticker album for my dear life, so I genuinely considered crying out for help. However, I look around and security is placed obviously for the drivers, not for the fans, and there are no firemen/paramedics in sight. That means that not only I had truly no way out, but also if I fainted or anything happened, no one would know until the whole thing was over and I dropped dead after people loosened up. I went survival mode and focused all my strengths in just making it to the end of the interviews, I was legit close to tears.

Now, remember the couple in front of Damien? I had asked them earlier before Damien came in if they would mind handing my album for Seb to sign or if I put my arm between them, literally anything. The lady told me they had stuff for him to sign too (so they weren't there just for the banter as Damien thought), so I thanked them and said "no worries"). As people started pushing, I also apologised to the people around me and said it was out of my control. BECAUSE I WAS POLITE, the lady actually changed her mind and offered to take my sticker album while her husband would hold the book they had - it was a compilation of Paul-Henri and Bernard Cahier photos of champions, and there was one with Seb in it. Lovely book btw. Too bad what happened next changed the course of humanity and trauma bonded all of us there.

Gasly came in and all hell broke loose. I got pushed forwards to the point my feet didn't touch the ground anymore, while tons of arms showed up over me holding caps, posters and French flags. My hat was about to fall off, but someone decided to use my head as a support point to lean forwards, so I didn't lose it. I just sort of looked at the little of sky I could see on top of me and raised my hands up in the hopes someone would rescue me - which didn't happen.

exclusive image of me hanging on to my dear life

Pierre signs tons of autographs for the French who are, at this point, equally shouting "GASLY" with whatever lungs they have available after their years of chain smoking and fighting each other over the lack of space. Yuki shows up too and more screaming is had until they get to the stage. A little bit of schadenfreude powers me as little Damien starts crying and somehow escapes because he failed to get autographs and it was clear this wasn't gonna happen to him in this GP. Served him right.

Yuki shows up too and I manage to get a little bit of air while they do their interviews. I actually saw that people shared the "only thing that Yuki hasn't tried yet is a French girl" anedocte that Gasly said, but they missed out on the most important part that was the entire audience just being like "CHILL PIERRE, CHILL" and laughing out of nervousness. I could feel Tsunoda getting red and I was only able to see his back!

Alpha Tauri come out and the moment of truth arrives as Aston Martin joins us. AGAIN, everyone lunges because of Seb and this time, so do I, fuck it. I had saved my last 1% of strength for this moment and started yelling for him to look over. Britta and Lance's PR person walk in the front handing signed photocards, so I start yelling for her instead while Seb's further back. I swear to God, she actually came in my direction, looked at me in the eye, I said "hi Britta!" and she smiled back..... and she handed the photocards to people right beside me. I yelled for her to come back but it was too late. My jaw dropped for like... a whole minute. What was the reason, Britta?????? I do recognise it was hilarious and a great story to tell though.

Seb told people in front of him to calm down as he would try to sign as many autographs as possible, and he did. In fact, besides Red Bull's ordeal, all of them spent quite a good time making an effort at reaching out to as many fans as they could get, and they were genuinely nice while at it. I mean, Alpha Tauri, Aston Martin and Alfa Romeo all had lowkey disastrous qualifying sessions, Gasly the worst I think, and they still smiled and tried to engage as much as they could. While they're all more or less PR trained, they're not actors and you can feel who is more or less distant, which makes the whole thing even more astonishing because practically none of them really were, even the more reserved ones. You could feel the effort.

But unfortunately, it doesn't matter exactly where you're placed as it is a bit of a Russian Roulette and Seb never managed to sign my sticker album. He stayed before and after. Again, to be fair, he spent a lot of time there and there were tons of Seb fans around with helmet replicas and AM merch and even Ferrari/Red Bull fans that were there for The Legacy, but he genuinely had to go. He even kind of shrugged in an apologetic way before leaving. A guy that was in front of me handed me a photocard and said "hey, you couldn't do better than this!" all happy because he thought he had snagged me a Seb card, but when I told him it was Lance's, he said "oh, merde!". For me it was great though, as my Lance stan friend was super happy when I sent her the pic.

I stuck around until the end of the Alfa Romeo interviews as I had no choice and I also managed to see Zhou Guanyu sign the Seb page of my sticker album HAHAHA. He actually looked super pleased as well, it was so endearing. Also managed to see Bottas and yeah.... I would. I totally would, why lie for the tl. Overall, I managed to get two signatures in my Seb page, which I think are Yuki and Zhou's. The whole concept of Oppa Seb is so funny and the guys were so nice I can't even be mad!

I could have stayed a little longer to watch the after concert (that apparently was on the track and super cool!) and also see Esteban pass in front of our tribune, but I chose to go home instead because I legit needed a breather. Took a shower, some Tylenol and went to sleep.

sunday: scenes at the race

Rinse and repeat, woke up early, showered, got dressed, food, go. I had to snuck in the bus because people decided to queue while I was sat and there were people at the queue who were there for way less longer than I was. Didn't give a single shit, I am used to it in Brazil anyway.

Got there around 8h50, decided I actually wanted to eat a bit more of substantial food when I saw there was little queue on the pasta stand and that they were actually wrapping the food to go, so I bought myself a pseudo carbonara for lunch. I was super excited as I would actually have the opportunity to watch Formula 2 for the day and I knew Drugo had snagged a podium after Pourchaire's penalty the day before. I didn't know, however, that French support truly extended to the junior drivers and Pourchaire was received as a fucking hero (Novalak received a lot of love too).

While everyone cheered for Pourchaire, I took the role of being Drugo's sole cheerleader on the tribune, literally shouting VAI DRUGO every single lap. My throat is suffering from it to this day. Again, you couldn't tell me whether the race was good or bad, but I was THRILLED. I think Drugo had a bad race start and then picked up at the end? P4 seemed fair considering it all. Plus, Logan Sargeant's DNF made me happy, ngl. But overall, the star truly was Pourchaire, who landed a podium and was received as a champion. Iwasa, having led French-based DAMS to victory, was also given a standing ovation.

French flags for Theo!

After the F2 race, I ate my fauxbonara while Porsche Supercup was on and drank lots and lots of water. There were still animations with some random cheerleaders on the stands and some flag waving, but the real stars were the track marshals that hyped the crowd before the drivers' parade. They made us clap, they sang and danced like a bunch of fools, they made some waves, anything to keep us hyped before the drivers got to our turn, and it did work! Here are a few gifs from the video I took (I actually shot all the drivers but footage is shaky so I'll only share the ones that you could see a bit better).

I was surprised to see the Paddock Club ticket holders on a few trucks after the drivers btw. I kind of understand the glamour of taking part in the Parade, but it feels like it would be much more interesting to watch the Parade than to be in it. But then again, they probably saw the drivers way more close than I did the entire weekend, so yeah, it is what it is.

I set my phone aside during the race so there are no pictures of it, sorry :/ I had made an effort to register as much as I could during the entire weekend and I really wanted to be able to take in everything of the main event itself. I have to say, it was one of the most unforgettable moments of my life to experience the thrill of the formation lap and race start. The anticipation, the fear, the hope, it's like, everything all at once because the cars are so... concrete, you know? Maybe the best part about attending a race is truly the breaking of the fourth wall that allows you to realise these guys are actually there and it's not just an abstract creation of your imagination. There is a completely rupture of the distancing you have when you watch it from home which is a complete mindfuck and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Unfortunately, the race graphics just don't work live and are completely unreadable unless you have binoculars, so I didn't know what was the exact time interval between the cars, which is a shame because you can clearly see the gap getting smaller or bigger, so I would have loved to be able to correlate distance and timing. However, it was fucking lunatic to see the first few laps with Charles holding on Max from the perspective of the last turn. Sometimes, it looked like Max could legit lung while turning, sometimes it looked like Charles was under control, and once the gap looked big enough and they said Max was out of DRS range the whole crowd came down cheering. Everyone wanted Charles to win...

Which made the more heartbreaking when he crashed. We just saw the yellow flag signs getting lit up and then the safety car sign coming out before we knew it was Charles. I nearly cried but my tears dried out because of the shock of his radio message that was broadcast for all of us to hear. When his heavy, quick breathing played, everyone was quiet because we were all scared he was hurt. I even thought he had broken something. Instead, his scream echoed through the entire circuit and everyone just sighed with a mix of relief for his physical integrity and sadness for his own heartbreak. It was truly awful and personally, I didn't even have the time to recover from it before the shitty Carlos pit release.

To make matters worse, since Charles crashed close to my tribune, both him and his car passed right in front of us. You know what truly fucking sucked? You could tell he was devastated, his shoulders were completely down and he still made sure to wave us all, in something I feel was a mix of appreciation for the support as everyone was cheering anyway (I personally made sure to scream "thank you for everything" and "I love you") and apologies for having made a mistake. I did whip my phone out of the bag to take a picture of La Rossonera, and the saddest part is that it looked not that bad at all. 

Now, I had to move on and focus on the rest of the race, since there were still a Ferrari on track and tons of other drivers I had always dreamt of seeing. Carlos' track progression was my focus, and I repeat myself but I had the time of my life seeing him catch up to the cars in front of him race lap after lap until he showed up ahead. His overtake of Checo was right in front of me since I could see that part of the main straight, so I jumped and screamed like a maniac, only stopping when Checo tried to strike back and failed. Imagine my fucking surprise when he goes in the pit. The amount of cursing I did while the guys in front of me were like "typical Ferrari".... this is so HUMILIATIIIING.

I was also rooting for something that didn't happen (Max DNF) but overall, even with the results I was more than satisfied with the race weekend I had. If we had a better ending, I might have considered rewatching it on F1TV, but honestly I don't care enough to put myself through that ordeal again hahah, I'll take the L and keep the good memories. Since I had a crippling headache from the heat - Sunday was less warm but worse because the air was more dense - I left the track early and got home with time to spare, enough to get my things packed, call my folks and tell them about my weekend and to have some celebratory Mickey Ds.

epilogue: a few final thots

While on the bus heading back home, I had a bit of time to think about what the weekend represented to me. The first major point is that it completely changed my outlook on the drivers themselves. I have never like, dehumanised them and I try to keep my idolatry in check so that I'm able to call them out if necessary, but I did idolise my faves and loathed the ones I dislike. Seeing them interact with the fan base live was a 180º flip because like... they're just people. Some of them are smaller than you would think, some of them are taller than you think, but they truly just want to drive the cars, you know? But then you're standing there besides a random person who literally just went there to see them, literally just one of them, you hear the cries and it's scary, it truly is, to consider the psychological weight of the burden that they carry.

Because it's like, on one side they have to be concerned with living up to the expectations of the sport, the team, the championship and of their own talent, which is already the standard agony that every athlete goes through in their entire career and that feeds their fears and regrets after retirement. But on the other side, they need to go out and be paraded like shiny objects to a bunch of people who are shouting their names and staring at them almost like Cujo, drooling and wide eyed, but it's out of love. How do you even manage to be normal after going through all of this at least once, let alone repeated times during the years? You have to change, but at the same time you can't change who you really are, which is just a person. You are elevated to the status quo, the highest of pedestals, but you are still just a random person. You're not a hack per se, you deserve to be there as a fruit of your path and your life's work, but fundamentally the pedestal shouldn't exist. It's so much to consider and yet they all go out there, perform at the highest level they can psychologically and still find the time to try to please their worshippers. Unhinged. 

The other point I'd make is that it was truly a blessing to be able to go to the race. I know I was probably there at Charles' 2018 Germany moment but still my heart grew from Saturday to Sunday because it was just a lifelong dream becoming reality. Once you go there, you need to face with maturity the fact you can't control the sport and that's the fun of it. Whatever you spent, whatever you did, it doesn't matter because it's all in control of the people on the track and the pit lane. If it's not the championship decision, you can be frustrated but ultimately you don't get to be upset over something you knew was a possibility. And the fact is, if you do, you have to consider to distance yourself from the sport a bit.

I'm saying this because from first hand, Ferrari is frustrating year in year out. It has always been like this and not even the Golden Michael Years were peaceful. I have already spoken here my thoughts on the supreme bottling that has been made and in theory, as a fan, I had every right to curse Charles and Ferrari for the disasterclass of Sunday. But you know what, Ferrari doesn't have the right to ruin my love of them and of Formula 1, not even in the most important moment of my life as a fan so far. The team can grieve the result as they should, because we're further and further away from the lead and the strategy errors have led us to rely too much on driver performance which makes individual mistakes even more serious. Charles can grieve the result because he truly screwed up an easy win and he can even resent the team for not backing him up when he needed to. But these are burdens that it's their job to carry, I'm a fan pro bono and I can't let a result that is always a possibility put a damp in a big, happy moment for me, the same way I can't let it get through my head and ruin my entire week from home. And that's equally valid for any driver and any team, we all have to know our places, rights and duties in our parasocial relationships. I have been keeping up with my part of the deal, which is to slag them off when necessary but still offer support no matter what. I'll never stop being a Ferrari fan even when everything disappoints me because my love for them is larger than life, so why will I let current Ferrari ruin everything that me and the red car have had together over the years and will have in the future? Nah hah, fuck off, I will remain steady and look at the glass half full. This weekend was bitching and I wouldn't change a thing.

Well, I would. But I accept that I can't change it and I'm happy with what I had.

If you managed to read this all the way, I hope you enjoyed reliving with me the French Grand Prix. Next time we see each other, hopefully it's for the proper HC I've been writing. Slow and steady wins the race! As always, thank you for reading and screw you guys, I'm going home.

PS: Seriously, F1 administration, I know you guys are reading this. Find a way of keeping the Fan Forums because the interviews are nice, but bring back the autograph sessions. Someone is going to be trampled over one day. Cheers! 

[therenlover]

In Fleeting Touches & Airy Sighs Chapter One (A Three Chapter Helmut Zemo/Reader Fanfic)

(Thank you to the wonderful anon who requested angst and smut between Zemo and the reader because Zemo had to be away from her on the run!)

Synopsis: A year after working together with Zemo in the events of Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Sam and Bucky seek him out once again in need of shelter from John Walker. Meanwhile, Zemo’s wife resents his absence and prepares for guests.

Tags: Flashbacks, Depression, Alcoholism, Separation Anxiety, Arguing, Struggling Marriage, Reunions

Rating: T (E in future chapters)

Warnings: Guns, Swearings, Reader shows signs of alcoholism/alcohol abuse, Reader uses a hot shower as a mild form of self harm

Word Count: 5000~

This fic has been crossposted under the same title to my AO3!

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Helmut Zemo was not often a man backed into a corner.

He was smart, resourceful, and had nothing left to lose. If it came down to the line, he would do whatever had to be done within his morals to achieve his goals, even if that goal was simply staying alive. The Baron bowed to no man, and made his enemies, no matter their size, fall to their knees with sheer wit instead of brute strength. That’s why, when he stood backed into an alley with the barrel of James Barnes’ gun to his forehead as the Falcon watched on, it was strange that he didn’t try to weasel his way out.

“We need answers,” Sam said, hands in the pockets of his dark hoodie. Bucky wore a similar one, only he wore a baseball cap instead of keeping his hood up. “How the hell did you break out of prison for a second time?”

Usually, Zemo would have replied with a clever quip. He had never been one to back down from a fight. This time, though, he looked almost frightened as he raised his arms in defeat. “I got in contact with friends on the outside during our short adventure together. They decided to help me out once I was re-incarcerated, willingly I might add. I had no part in the plan, but who would look a gift horse in the mouth?”

“And I guess I’m just supposed to assume you had no part in getting my pardon revoked?” Bucky spat.

“If you hadn’t noticed, James, I’ve left you alone,” A hint of his usual mockery slipped into Helmut’s tone, but he quickly pulled it back, “Believe what you want about me, but I’ve had some time since last year to… re-evaluate my feelings on the world. You had no choice but to do the things you did as the Winter Soldier, and as long as you pose no threat to society now I have no qualms with you,”

Despite the strangeness of Zemo’s response Bucky remained unphased. Sam, on the other hand, was less stoic.

“Man, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but the government is looking for Bucky and I harder than they’re looking for you, and it’s kind of all your fault, so excuse me for not giving a shit about your supposed sudden change of heart!”

“Can we get to the point? I’m afraid my flight leaves in an hour and I would hate to be late,”

“Cut the bullshit!” There Bucky went, pushing the cold metal closer to Zemo’s furrowed forehead.

“Bucky...” Sam warned.

“No, Sam, I can do this. Did you or did you not actively attempt to get my pardon revoked when you took us to Madripoor? Because thanks to you, a worse symbol than Sam is now standing unchecked with the title of Captain America AND he has access to the last of the new super soldier serum AND he’s trying to get us killed so we can’t tell the world about the awful shit he does,”

“I-” Zemo went to speak and, for the first time since he had met him, Sam believed he was being genuine. There was a tremble that made its way through him, all the way to his raised hands and even his voice. It was enough that Bucky even lowered the gun minutely. “I understood that by following my lead, the both of you were risking a lot. I didn’t intend any specific malice with my actions though, no. If I may… the two of you have attracted a lot of attention here in the past few days. I assume Walker is very close to finding you?”

Sam and Bucky shared a look before Sam responded. “Maybe, why?”

“I have a safe house,” he continued, “I don’t stay there often so the location isn’t compromised, but it’s my next stop. Might I suggest we take this conversation on the road? I would hate to host your reunion with Mr. Walker in an alley over my corpse,”

There was a moment of complete stillness. Zemo remained, face dark with that strange deer-in-headlights look, a perfect statue, as the barrel of Bucky’s gun remained pointed firmly in his direction and Sam shared what seemed to be a completely silent conversation with Bucky. It was true that they had been burned before. Zemo was a man with his own agenda who did what it took to fulfill it. That being said, he had returned willingly with them back to prison before he was broken out, and without his help, the band of freshly minted super soldiers would still be running around Europe causing chaos. In the end, Bucky lowered his gun slowly before tucking it away into his boot holster.

Zemo grinned.

“Don’t think this means we trust you,” Sam groaned, pointing a finger at the man.

“I wouldn’t dream of it. Now, gentlemen, I believe we have a plane to catch,”

As the trio began to make their way out of the alley Bucky and Sam fell to the flank of the group. “Do you really think this is a good idea?” Bucky asked, eyes darting between his two companions. Sam shrugged.

“At this point, I’m doing whatever it takes to get home to my family in one piece. If that means I have to ride in Zemo’s stupid private jet again and lay low for a while, then that’s what I’m gonna do, because Sarah and those kids don’t deserve to lose me all over again,”

“But don’t you think he’s acting a little… weird?”

“Don’t worry, I have my eye on him. If he tries anything we can just throw him out front when Walker tries to shoot us,”

“You’re doing a very poor job of concealing your conversation,” Zemo shouted.

Bucky stormed ahead as Sam laughed.

“Oh, shut up!”

Surprisingly, the drive to the airstrip was mostly uneventful, as was the relatively short flight from Zurich to Avignon. There was, of course, the usual cutthroat banter and tension so thick you could feel it like a fog hanging over the group, but in an unusual twist of fate, the baron did very little to initiate. Of course, he wasn’t fully innocent though. He never was. That being said, even as his chauffeur carefully navigated the stone roads to the dropoff point he was strangely quiet. He had texted someone earlier to have the house prepared for their arrival but he kept looking down at the phone as if a response would come. It didn’t.

Sam appreciated the break from the noise. To him, it was a moment of peace after a few months of constant opposition. For the duration of the trip, he had chosen to shoot a few choice quips Bucky’s way before taking a long nap. Bucky, on the other hand, was only growing more suspicious of Zemo by the minute.

After his time with Hydra, Bucky had become intimately acquainted with the type of man that Zemo was. He was ruthless, driven by ideals that couldn’t be changed by any amount of debate or theory read inside a prison cell, and willing to do whatever it took to fulfill those ideals no matter the cost. There was remorse but no regret. A man like that doesn’t just stop believing in the thing that led him to kill dozens if not hundreds of people, because once the impetus is gone so is the only thing upholding their sense of self.

In basic terms, he was hiding something. Bucky was intent on finding out what that thing was, a thing important enough to make Zemo of all people shut the hell up and tell his enemies exactly where his safe house was, and he wasn’t going to rest until he did. The answer came easily enough in the end, but not before Sam and Bucky were forced face to face with the strangest thing they had ever seen, even when including aliens and wizards. That thing was Zemo buying flowers.

The trio had gotten out of the car somewhere around the center of the city and continued towards the safe house on foot. A few minutes after they started, though, Zemo had spoken.

“I apologize, but I’ll have to stop for a moment,” He said, holding up a hand to alert the two men trailing him to the fact that he was about to stop. Sam quirked up an eyebrow.

“At a flower shop?”

There, to the right of them, was a small fleuriste. The window was a burst of bright color. Pinks, reds, whites, purples; a certain bunch of spring blooms had caught Zemo’s eye. He shrugged. “It’s rude to arrive at someone’s house asking for a favor without a gift, Mr. Wilson. Excuse me,”

With a comfort that said he had been into the shop many times, Zemo walked through the door and began conversing with the shop owner in perfect French, even referring to her as tu instead of vous as he made his purchase.

“Did he just say someone’s house ?” Sam asked Bucky, eyes widening.

Bucky gritted his teeth. “Yeah, I think he did,”

“So, we’re just showing up at someone’s door,”

“Yup. Not to mention they’re someone who aligns themself with him,”

A groan escaped from Sam as he ran his hand down his face in disbelief. “I didn’t expect much from Zemo, but damn,”

“It’s your fault for expecting anything from Zemo in the first place,”

“For once, you’re right,”

They dawdled for a moment. As their conversation stilled, Zemo returned, now burdened by a sizable bouquet from the window. Around them, the city was starting to get off of work. Families walked together as businesses had their 5 o’clock shift change. Somehow as the world around them came to life it didn’t look at Sam and Bucky with anything more than a passing glance. They were tourists, nothing more. For a moment Sam understood why Zemo would go to a place like this for safety and anonymity.

Without ceremony, the trio began walking towards their destination once again.

“I apologize for the delay,” Zemo said, keeping his pace brisk and remaining about a foot ahead of his companions, “I suppose it’s become a bit of a habit that I buy Y/N flowers whenever I come back. We shouldn’t be long now, though, the house is just a few more blocks away, maybe 3 minutes by foot,”

“Y/N?” Bucky asked. The name felt heavy on his tongue, familiar. That had to be a coincidence though. Zemo would never align himself with anyone who had worked for Hydra, and there was no other place he could have heard that name and had it hold any significance. Right?

Zemo chuckled. “Y/N is our host. I’d appreciate it if you tried to maintain some semblance of respect when we arrive, she tends to have quite the temper and it would reflect badly on me if she believed I was asking her to indefinitely house two people who would happily send her to prison,”

“About that,” Sam chimed in, “Who the hell are we about to be staying with? It’s not that I don’t trust you, but I don’t, and by extension, I also don’t tend to trust people who trust you,”

“I assure you, Sam, Y/N is more trustworthy to you than I will ever be,”

“That doesn’t answer my question, nor does it make me feel any better,”

“She’s American, and like you, she is seeking shelter from the government. Isn’t that enough for you?”

“Man, at this point I feel like you’re not telling us because she’s actually some sort of crazy Sokovian sleeper agent who’s gonna stab us in the back while we sleep. Am I crazy, Buck, or am I right?”

Bucky, who had been trying his best to stay out of the conversation, replied. “You are being unnecessarily evasive, Zemo, though that’s nothing new…”

“Right? Like, I’m really grateful that you’re lending us a hand, but I’ve gotta be honest, if I think for a second things are going south-”

Sam never got to finish his sentence.

Suddenly, Zemo stopped short, turning around and looking Bucky in the eye with a madness neither he nor Sam had ever seen before. His whole body was stiff, rigid. The hand that wasn’t cradling the flowers delicately was gripped in a fist at his side. He looked angry, but underneath the anger, he really just looked scared. “You will not touch her. Do you hear me? Do what you’d like with me, I have made choices worthy of punishment, but you will not touch Y/N. If you so much as think of it, all bets are off. Do you understand me?”

Bucky nodded, sharp. This was certainly interesting. Sam just smirked.

“Is there something else you want to tell us?”

Zemo walked up a small set of stairs towards a home to their right. “No, Mr. Wilson, I don’t believe so,”

The building was a nice one, all tan stone with dark wrought-iron fixtures on its many windows. It looked, for all intents and purposes, like a normal midtown manor-house for some upper-class member of the community. The normalcy of it all hid its true purpose in plain sight. It was genius, really. Over a dividing wall made of the same yellowing stone, Sam could see a small sliver of vibrant green garden space and a pool at the side of the building.

With a steadying breath, Zemo knocked on the door.

“You have to knock on the door of your own safe house?” There was a hint of incredulity in Bucky’s voice as he crossed his arms. This was going to be a disaster. Why had they agreed to this again?

“A little etiquette goes a long way, James, especially when you’re already in the doghouse,” Then, the door opened.

Bucky froze. There, standing in the doorway with a pistol in her hand and a fire in her eyes, was a woman he thought long dead: you. This couldn’t be right! He had killed you back in ‘02 with the rest of the AAHR...

You quirked up an eyebrow at Zemo.

“Give me one reason I should let you in and not shoot you on the spot,”

They were so fucked.

________________

The day, on your end of the world, had gone by much slower.

It started off like any other, with the alarm on your bedside table blaring as you opened your eyes and your arms reached out into the emptiness in the sheets beside you. Sometimes, when Helmut’s flight got in late enough, you would wake up and reach to the side only to find that he had appeared beside you in the night. Those were the best kind of reunions. They were free of pretense, no bitterness or resentment clouded your sleep-heavy brain when you opened your eyes to his peaceful resting face, and you could simply fall into the comforting rhythm of husband and wife. If you reunited with a clear head things tended not to go as well.

You groaned. It wasn’t as if there was even a guarantee he would come back, especially not after the way you’d left things last time. The philosophy of attendre et espérer, waiting and hoping like an Edmond Dantés type, wouldn’t do you any good, at least not anymore.

Maybe it was time to start moving on…

Tomorrow. You could start thinking about the next steps tomorrow. For today you’d enjoy what you had.

Getting out of bed was difficult but you managed. The sun streamed through the curtains that billowed gently in the breeze near your balconette, brilliant gold beams illuminating the dust that danced in the air. The first thing you did was shuffle along to the corner and pour yourself two fingers of brandy from Helmut’s private collection. It was like a morning ritual these days, a numbing agent against the loneliness. Once the drink was downed you moved on to the closet to get dressed.

Dressing yourself wasn’t of much importance these days. You couldn’t exactly leave the house, and nobody was visiting, so more often than not, it was easier to just wear the same pajamas for a few days until you knew Oeznik would be around to drop off groceries. Today, though, you felt… filthy. Not dirty in a physical way, just sticky and filthy and unclean under your skin and in your very heart. Maybe a shower would help.

You looked around the closet with a clinical eye. It was difficult to be in there, surrounded by lavish dresses and expensive suits that you and your husband had worn arm in arm while plotting the downfall of the Avengers before your unsteady alliance had turned into so much more. Everything still smelled like his cologne. In the small, often-closed, walk-in closet, the scent had only intensified, covering every article of clothing with a fog of cedarwood and sage. It made you sick, choked the air from your lungs and left you gasping for even a single breath that didn’t sit heavy on your tongue with the bitter taste of that familiar musk.

The alcohol had helped. It always did. The remnants of its burn in your mouth formed a sort of guard against the scent of the closet as you searched through a pile of shirts for something soft and easy to wear. Your hands suddenly stilled.

“Zemo, I’m gonna be honest, this is the ugliest sweater I’ve ever seen in my entire life,”

“I’m hurt! That’s one of my favorites,”

“Where did you even get it, a 90-year-old grandpa’s closet? Jesus Christ, it looks like something out of a shitty 70’s flick about family values,”

“I’ll have you know that I thrifted that sweater. It’s very eco-conscious you know,”

Your heart hurt. Well, no, your whole body hurt, but your heart ached a little more prominently as you carefully picked up the sweater and held it to your chest. It was terribly ugly, 4 sizes too big even on Helmut and covered in an olive and forest green argyle. Somehow he was always able to pull off the oversized thing no matter how ridiculous you had always insisted you found it. When was the last time he’d worn it again?

The memory evaded you.

Still, it was a happy relic, happier than most of the monuments to a failing marriage that lined the shelves of your beautiful personal prison. It wouldn’t hurt to hope that by wearing it, you might rub just a little bit of that lost happiness off onto your present-day, right? With one last forlorn glance around the closet, you gathered up the sweater and a pair of jeans before getting out as fast as you could. With the scent of cologne clinging to you, the shower wasn’t just a good idea now, it was necessary.

So, you showered. You took the stupid foot-long exfoliating brush Helmut loved so much and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed yourself under the near-boiling stream of water until your skin was pink and raw. Disappointingly, even the new skin felt filthy. It was better, though, less intense. With some lotion and a little bit of Neosporin on the fresh patches of blotchy red, you were able to feel okay. Not good. Not clean. Just… okay. At least you didn’t smell like him anymore. The clock read 12:14 when you finally made it out of the bathroom in search of some real food.

Lunch, if you could call it that, was a silent affair. The fridge was almost empty and the pantry was only a little less bare, so you threw together a cheese sandwich, not even bothering to waste butter and grill it. You ate it plain with another glass of brandy out on the pool deck. It was gone sooner than you hoped it would be.

Oh well.

You finished your brandy with a sigh. Only seven or eight more hours until you could finish your day with a few more drinks and pass out in bed until nine or ten once again. Ah, dreamless sleep. That sounded divine. Now if only you could fathom any non-depressing way to spend the time between sleeping and waking. Swimming was out, the chemicals would burn your freshly eviscerated skin. Playing solitaire for the fourth day in a row sounded like absolute hell on earth. Even watercolors, a usual calming respite from the torturous and neverending monotony of life trapped alone in a house you had no help in stocking, were off the table ever since you’d run out of paper.

Somewhere inside the house, your phone dinged.

The second the sound hit your ears you jumped, dropping your glass and letting it shatter into a thousand tiny shards on the stone of the patio.

Phones were a difficult thing to own for someone who was trying to stay out of the eyes of the government. They were too easy to track and could tip off enemies to your location with very little error needed on your part. Even searching the internet for innocent things was too risky. If your search history was too similar to that of the alias you had used before Helmut went to prison, it would have been easy for them to find a connection and send someone to track you down. Still, you kept a cell phone charged and ready on the kitchen counter despite the risk for one reason and one reason only: Emergency contact with your husband.

He never texted from the same number on more than one occasion, always switching from burner phone to burner phone as he flew across the country doing god knows what, but if he was ever in a situation where emergency contact with you was needed, he was able to reach you at your number immediately. It had only happened a couple of times, and each time he had been in a considerable amount of danger. So, when you suddenly heard the sound you dreaded more than anything else in the world, you were quick to rush inside, even ignoring the shattered glass at your feet as you shoved through the doors and found the phone.

The small, LED display was lit up with the notification. It made your heart both soar and sink.

Flying home with two guests. Prepare the two rooms for their stay. We will be there by 5 at the latest - B

You read over the message several times before letting the phone fall from your hand and back onto the counter with a dull thud.

That absolute asshole.

Three months. Three months you had spent sitting alone. Three months without a call, or a text, or a letter, or even a word of when he was coming back by way of Oeznik. Three months! And after three months of loneliness and sleepless nights and empty bottles on the drink cart he reaches out through an emergency line of contact that almost certainly means he might be dying only to tell you he’s bringing two strangers into your safe house, the place even he refuses to stay in too long in order to not give its location away. The scar on your spine was starting to burn as you leaned up against the counter and cried.

It was ridiculous to think you had ever believed him capable of more tact than that.

Really, it was your fault. From the beginning, you’d had too much faith in a man incapable of being trustworthy, even to those closest to him. You knew that, and yet you had married him. Maybe the soft touches and sweet lies he had spoon-fed you had made you weak. Maybe you always had been.

“I’m not a child, Helmut, I know what I’m doing!”

“I don’t think you do,” he shouted. He was a few drinks in now, you both were. The nights before his departures never tended to end well when you both drank. “Because no matter what I do to protect you, you have the need to disobey me! Have you considered that I do the things I do for your own good!”

“Oh! Oh yes, the things YOU do!” You slammed your glass down on the table as you stormed over to Helmut, “I sit here all day like a fucking dog in a cage while you fly to fucking Ibiza and flirt with supermodels, but YOUR story is just so fucking tragic! I’m your wife, Helmut! I’m not an animal or your property, I’m your goddamn wife! You can’t just order me to sit and stay like a dog,”

He glared down at you, eyes hawkish and glinting in the low lamplight. For the first time in years, he looked threatening, “You may not be a dog, or a child, or my property, but you are a weapon! It’s my job to keep you here, away from the-”

“Excuse me?” You interrupted. The two of you stood, inches away and yet miles apart. Slowly, the drive in Helmut’s eyes faltered. “Say that again. I dare you,”

“Schatz, I-”

“No, Helmut, you meant it so say it again. Call me that again. I fucking dare you,” Tears were streaming down your face now. He took a step towards you, hand extended to wipe them away, but you were quick to take a step back out of his reach.

“You misunderstood me,”

“I don’t think there was anything to misunderstand,”

You swept the shards of your glass tumbler into a dustpan, hands still shaking even ten minutes after you’d read Helmut’s message to you. As you worked, your last conversation before he’d left echoed in your mind.

How had it all devolved into that? It wasn’t hard to remember Helmut before prison, jaded and broken and lonely. He had been so much like you and yet so different. Each of you seemed to be the perfect balm for the others' wounds. In the end, despite all of his flaws, you had found yourself in love. Now that he was a different man, was that love gone? You couldn’t say. All you knew for sure was that you weren’t nearly drunk enough to be facing the confusing feelings in your brain. With the last of your energy, you emptied the dustpan of glass into the trash can and returned to the house, sweater itchy against your irritated skin, to ready the guest rooms.

The job wasn’t a long one. You had never used the guest rooms in all the time you’d spent at the Avignon property, so the sheets were already clean. There was just a thin layer of dust on the furniture that needed to be swept away as you checked to make sure the dressers were bare and the bathrooms were stocked with amenities. Then, when that was done, you were left to your thoughts as the hours ticked by.

Most of the time you spent sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing. It sounded terrible, and in all honesty it was, but what else could you do? The house was already spotless so cleaning wasn’t an option, and you didn’t quite feel like doing much of anything as you stared at the clock and tried to remember a time when your life was less of a disaster. As it got closer to five, though, you started to get antsy.

You had tried your best to not think about the obvious issue of the guests. Zemo was not the type to threaten his home, even if he wasn’t happy with you, so usually having anyone who wasn’t Oeznik or another paid lackey aware of the location of your safe house would be a big no in his book, but then you started thinking of the implications of him bringing people into your home. Your home, not his. Was he on his way to kill you? It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. Or maybe he was bringing your replacement.

Now that thought made anger bubble up in your throat. You were no stranger to the idea that when your husband was away, he could be doing anything. There was no guarantee when he slept in lavish hotels or drank the night away in elite lounges that he kept his wedding ring on. The fact that there were two guests meant it was unlikely he was bringing two mistresses, but never impossible. Nothing was impossible when it came to Helmut.

No, it was more likely he had finally decided it was time to end your suffering. The shouts and boisterous laughter that started to sound directly outside of the front room window only confirmed the for you. Slowly, you crept towards the door and grabbed a small pistol from its place in the umbrella stand. If he wanted you dead you weren’t going to go without a fight.

Through the curtains on the front door, you could just barely make out the trio. When you saw them your blood ran cold. It was one thing if he needed help to take you down, but getting the Winter Soldier on board? Your rage only grew by the minute.

Helmut said something, probably planning the best course of action to catch you off guard, and you sneered. Two could play at that game. When he knocked on the door you opened it calmly and held the gun with your finger just barely ghosting over the trigger.

Everyone froze.

“Give me one reason I should let you in and not shoot you on the spot,” you said, rage coursing through every nerve in your body. You may have been in retirement for quite a few years, but you still knew how to handle a gun. Everyone there, except maybe the Falcon, knew that. As Zemo went to open his mouth, you prepared for a firefight.

“Because I brought you flowers,”

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a/n: Sorry that only one chapter is out! The fic is just getting very long and complicated and I wanted to make sure you got as much as possible before the next episode drops lol. I’ll be working pretty much nonstop from now until then, though, so the next parts should be out soon!

TAGLIST: @tatestripedsweater​ , @elaineygrace​, @multiyfandomgirl40​ ,  @lovelymischief​ , @rami-malek-trash​ , @dazzlingseb​, @avgravy​ , @sarahsilver , @wh0re-4-techno​ , @forcebros​ , @sugarsweetkiss​ , @grandmuffinsharkbailiff​ , @killsandthrills​ , @novasstudy​ , @thnksfr-ptrkstmp​ , @inmate-marmalade​, @alanathedeer​ , @mossybank​ , @simsiddy​ , @xxspqcebunsxx​ 

Please do not post my work on other sites, thank you!

[danielxricciardo]

Where do we go from here

Daniel Ricciardo x Reader

Chapters: 1/?

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 3,015

Playlist for the series

It was your fault when you agreed to go to Monaco. After what happened the last time, you swore you would never go back there. Because it fucked with your mind and soul. You were crushed and your best friend had to scrap you off the floor for weeks, he had to remind you to shower and to eat. Knowing he will be so pissed you chose to go back to him, you didn't tell him you were leaving for a week until you were on the plane. His reaction was everything you were expecting, he called you a bitch and he advised you not to get back to him with a broken heart to cry on his shoulder then he hung up on you. Sure, you both knew you will cry on his shoulder after this week.

The entire flight you were questioning your life choices. How did you get there? You wanted - you needed to know how you allowed yourself to become dependent on a piece of affection from Daniel. You were trying to figure out when you became a sucker for him but you couldn't, maybe because you always were.

You'd always been good friends, ever since he moved from Australia to Europe. You were his first non-Australian friend and he was always been grateful for you and your friendship. You were with him even when he didn't ask you to and even when he told you he wanted to be left alone. That was your first choice. You went with him to almost all the junior competitions, until he reached Formula 1, you cried with him when he had a bad race and you partied with him on a podium or a win. Fuck it, 9 years later, you were still with him. Red Bull Racing was the team that helped him discover himself as a driver and gave him confidence that he could get far. After only one year in the team, he finished third in the drivers' championship with 238 points and secured the first fastest lap of his Formula One career at the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix.

But all this has consequences. The fact that he was so good and became so well known attracted many girls who wanted to meet him and be affiliated with him for increased media attention. The worst part was that he liked all the female attention. Who wouldn't like it? He could have a new girl every day and they would still not end. But Daniel was not the type to take such advantage of his name and his position in society, you thought at the time. But that was exactly what he did. At the end of the 2014 season, days would pass without hearing from him because he was too busy to enjoy the female attendance that crossed his threshold.

After a few months, you already had a pattern. For 5 days you would not hear from him and on Saturday morning he would call you with a guttural voice, asking you to come to his place. And you went there with some headache pills and for a few hours, you would listen to everything that had happened during the week with different girls. At first, it hurt a lot. To hear how your best friend and the person for whom you develop some romantic feelings, has fun, and fucks with different girls is not very ok, but over time the whole situation had become repetitive and you became immune.

But you didn't realize you became a regular girl in his bed too. The only difference between you and the tens, maybe the hundreds of girls before you, was that you warmed his bed on Saturday and Sunday. It was just you, all weekend, every weekend. You felt special. He gives you his full attention all weekend and you hope he doesn't need anyone but you, except that Monday was coming and you could see that to his right was another model looking for fame. But have you ever told him what bothers you? No. Because you'd rather share him with so many girls than not have him in your life at all.

So what happened when you ended up crying for weeks without eating or taking a shower? Daniel told you that he is done with all the girls and he wants to focus on his career. This is after in 2015 he finished the season in 9th place with only 92 points, without a victory, and only twice on the podium. Of course you were happy! Daniel was going to have only you in his life. But he told you that what was between you before, sex and everything else, must end as well. I mean, you had to go back to being just friends. But how do you go back to being just friends with the person you've shared the bed with so many times? Friends don't know the way you taste. Your luck was that you had to go for a visit to your parents for 2 weeks and you didn't have to see him. You had 2 weeks to lick your wounds and return to him without a broken heart. Troy, your best friend, was with you and he tried to put your heart back together. Just when he succeeded, you had to go back to Daniel as if nothing had happened. Broken heart? Who?

Making your own decisions makes you responsible for what comes out of that decision whether it was a positive move or not. Making your own decisions also allows you to make your own mistakes and learn from them. It was your decision to go back to Daniel, to your friend. It was hard to look at him and not want to kiss those fleshy lips but you could manage it.

"There she is!" you heard Daniel say as soon as the Nice Côte d'Azur airport gates opened. He was wearing his merch purple hoodie that you wore so many times before and a pair of black jeans. He had a pair of sunglasses on to keep him away from the press. You smiled. It's been 2 weeks since you've seen him and it's as if your heart has tightened in your chest. You really missed him. You ignored his calls because you didn't want to hear his voice and start crying on the phone and all the messages he sent you were deleted by Troy. You don't even know what he wrote to you.

"Hey, Daniel!" you said and hugged him. You were enveloped by the smell of his perfume and you smiled. He was your safe place. "Missed you."

He hugged you back and the force he put in that hug was enough to crush your bones. But it didn't hurt you. You wanted to be one with him, to be absorbed by him. Everything platonic, of course.

"Missed you too, Y/N."

The road to your house was not a long one but at that moment everyone seemed to be on the road at the same time as you so what needed to be a 45-minutes road trip was now more than an hour, and you were still in the car. The small talk already finished about your parents, your brother and your best friend, Troy, and about all the new things from your home town and at the moment in the car was an uncomfortable silence which none of you knew how to break.

"I tried to talk to you these 2 weeks, you know?" Daniel said and you swallowed loudly. You knew that at some point he would ask about why you didn't talk to him for two weeks, but you hoped it would take some time until then - you hoped you had more time to think about a pretty good reason.

"Yeah, sorry, I just wanted to focus on my people there, you know?" you bit the inside of your cheek until you felt the metallic taste of blood. You hoped it would be a pretty convincing reason but you knew after so many years of friendship that Daniel is not the type to press you if you don't want to say something.

"Yeah, I get it, I'm the same when I'm down under, y'know?" you both laughed, and for the first time in a long time you felt good around him. You felt yourself, no labels and no shoes to fill.

In front of your apartment block, after Daniel took all your luggage out of the car trunk, he leaned against the car, his hands folded, and looked at you.

"Aren't you going to help me get them up to my apartment?"

"Yes, in a minute," he says, still looking at you. "Would you like to do something tonight?"

You shrugged. You weren't tired after the flight, so you could have done something but you had so many questions. Just the two of you? Was anyone else coming? Any friends of his? Some girl? But you couldn't ask him, even if you were friends, you didn't want to give him the feeling that you were jealous. Were you jealous? You didn't have a reason just yet but you could become one.

"Sure. Do you have something in mind?"

"Remember Jay? He just opened a nightclub. Actually, tonight is the opening, he asked me to swing by for a few hours, want to go?"

"Yeah, sure, sounds like fun."

Daniel took two suitcases and passed you to enter the block, but he walked with the wheels over your toes.

"Hey, idiot, watch where you're going!" you yelled at him and immediately laughed. Daniel turned to you, laughing too. You didn't realize when you said it, but that was the exact phrase you told him when you first met.

You got out of the cab in front of the restaurant and slammed the door shut, despite the pleading of the driver to be gentle with his darling car.

You arranged your dress on your body and put your hair behind your ear. You were ready for this blind date that Ellie, your co-worker, planned for you. Of course, there were better things for you to do on a Friday night, such as drinking a bottle of red wine watching a few episodes of your favorite show. But you were there, prepared for a shitshow. You took a few steps towards the big glass door until someone hit you hard and made you unbalance and break a heel.

"Hey, idiot, watch where you're going!" you yelled at the boy that hit you. A tall, dark guy that made you lose the little balance you still had. A small amount of his curly dark-haired was peaking out under the white hoodie he was wearing and his brown big eyes were looking at you like you were a statuette that broke.

"So sorry," he said and the thick accent made your legs soft. Whatever accent that was, you knew you wanted to hear him talk non-stop. "Was looking for an address, I'm fucking lost."

"That's fine, maybe I can help you," you smiled at the boy and you took off your heels. One was already broken so there was no point in wearing them at this point.

"Oh, no, it's fine, you look so elegant, you must be dining with your boyfriend or something," he laughed and then saw the broken heel. "Bloody, I just broke your shoes, I'm so sorry!"

You laughed even harder at the panicked boy in front of you.

"No boyfriend, just a blind date I didn't even want to go in the first place so you saved me, I'm the one that should say thank you. Where do you need to go to?"

He came closer to you with a map in his hand. He showed you where he had to go and you explained to him that he was in the wrong part of the city but you were more than happy to show him the right way. But after you stopped at a boutique to buy a 5 euro pair of sandals.

"This city is not so big that you get lost in it," you told the boy, whose name is Daniel Ricciardo, he told you so. "How long have you been here?"

"Ugh, just a day, and I thought it was a good idea to go out and see the city, I even took this stupid map, but I still got lost."

"Okay, but why did you go out by yourself in the evening and not in the morning or, at least, when is sunny, y'know?" you ask him and point to his left, where you had to go.

"I woke up two hours ago. I slept for eleven hours with the whole time zone, jet lag, and shit and when I woke up I was hungry. I went to get some food and to visit the surroundings because why not," he shrugged.

"But where did you come from?"

"Perth, Australia, baby!" he smiled and leaned back, pulling his chest forward. Anyone could see how proud he was of his hometown.

"This is you!" you announced when you arrived in front of the apartment building, his final destination. He smiled so wide and hugged you.

"Thank you so much, you saved me!"

"No biggie," you smiled at him and then waved. "Bye, Daniel Ricciardo."

"Hey, hey, let's meet tomorrow for a brekky!" he casually announced.

"For a what?"

"Oh, sorry!" he laughed. "Forgot for a second you're not Australian. For breakfast."

"Sure, I'll come here at 9 so you won't get lost again. Bye, Daniel Ricciardo!"

"Bye, Y/N Y/L/N!"

"I'll come and pick you up at about 10 o'clock, ok?" Daniel announced just as he was about to leave your apartment after he got up all your luggage. "Sounds good?"

"Yep. All good."

"And wear something sexy!" he yelled as he was closing the front door. Something sexy? Why would he request a sexy outfit for a night out from you? His best friend. Sometimes Daniel made your head spin, that was one of those occasions, you didn't pay much attention to it, you just went to grab a shower.

The night had come too fast. Sure, you had enough time to put on makeup and do your hair, but you had no idea what to wear. You were sitting in front of the bed in your underwear, with three dresses lying on the bed when the clock struck 10 o'clock. You heard the front door open and close but you did not hurry to put something on yourself so that Daniel would not see you in your underwear; he saw you even worse than that.

"Hey, are you ready? Whoah!" he says and turns his back on you, with his hand covering his eyes. "You should have told me you were naked!"

You scoffed at him.

"Cut the crap and come help me pick a dress for tonight, Ricciardo."

Daniel removed his hand from the eyes and looked at you and swallowed hard. The underwear you were wearing was almost a silky one, black, that hugged your curves just right. He couldn't take his eyes off you and you loved all the attention.

"Stop drooling and come help me. Do you want to go to this club or not?"

Daniel came near you, his eyes were now on the push-up bra that lifted your breasts, making them fuller and bigger than they really were, and at that moment Daniel wanted nothing more than to touch them and play with them. But he remembered who was in front of him. He told his best friend that the sex games were now over because he was focusing on his Formula 1 career. That was not a lie at the time, but he just wanted to throw her in bed and make her forget the words he said that evening. He coughed a few times to regain his voice and then looked at the three dresses lying on the bed.

"That one," says the brunette and points to the short black dress that fits perfectly on your body. You would have chosen that one too.

"Ok, I'll be ready in a few minutes," you said and went to the bathroom to put the dress on. You adjusted your make-up and grabbed the bag and you were ready for a night out with Daniel. Or so you thought.

No one can see the dance floor, it's wall-to-wall people dancing to the club music. There's no room for any more but somehow Daniel was pulling my hand to where he knew Jay was sitting. The music vibrated in your ears and you were tempted to move to its rhythm, but you had to follow Daniel. After going through the whole room you reached your friend, the owner of the club. He told you that the drink for you was on the house and wished you a good time. Daniel announces that he is going to have a drink for both of you and leaves you alone among hundreds of strangers, driven by the same inner desire to get rid of inhibitions for a few hours that night.

The DJ moves everybody in ways no one has ever done before. Mixing the loud music on the turntables to the beat you desire to hear, the DJ watches the half-naked bodies of young men and women dancing around as if something has possessed their bodies. Men are wearing an undershirt, or no shirt at all, and pants. They eye the women who strut around in tank tops and tight dance pants or skirts, and who are smiling, and letting all their worries go away. A smile appeared on your face and look at the line at the bar for Daniel and you were pleasantly surprised to see that he was already looking at you. When you saw his smile you realized that the night will not end with you two still being just friends.

————————————————————————————

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[giyyuzz]

24/7 — k. sunoo.

hard to imagine masterlist.

prompt: "don't cry, can't worry 'bout time"

content/warning(s): slight fluff, angst, cursing.

wc: 1.0k

you had your hand intertwined with sunoo's while both were stepping on the dry leaves in the park laughing.

autumn had finally arrived, it was your favorite season and how it was starting to get cold you could always use it as an excuse to be able to hug sunoo.

you were playing for a while longer until you got tired and threw yourself on the floor, falling onto the pillow of sheets underneath, without releasing your hands for a single second.

you both wanted to enjoy those moments as if they were the last, you tried to focus on the present but your mind only thought about the future, about everything unknown, everything that scared you and the time you had with sunoo.

your mind teleported you to a few weeks ago, in that conversation you had with sunoo and from that moment on you couldn't stop overthinking, if you had said other things, would everything be different now? was it necessary for both of you to suffer like this? being so close but so far at the same time. but no, you couldn't go back in time and still you don't regret the decision you made, in the end it would only be more difficult for both of you.

sunoo and you were inseparable since you could remember, your mothers were best friends and they got pregnant almost at the same time, you were always together, from kindergarten until now. although soon you were about to separate.

that afternoon you was on the school terrace like every day. but the pink haired boy had noticed how nervous you were, he knew how to read you perfectly and with just one look he was able to know everything that was going through your head.

"what's wrong? you're weird today." he put his hand over yours and squeezed it a bit in support.

you gave him a half smile and looked him in the eye. you didn't want to do that, thinking about that whole situation hurt you more than anything.

"i'm going to Europe in two months" you were both silent, you could feel how sunoo's grip was gradually disappearing, with his silence you just kept talking "we still don't know well to which country but... i'll go"

finally his hand left yours and looked away, you knew what he was thinking.

"please say something" he let out a sarcastic laugh, he always does that when he's angry.

"why?" you didn't know what to answer and now it was you who looked away "why didn't you tell me before?"

"i also found out recently... i'm sorry" you looked into each other's eyes, you both wanted to cry.

"and what are you going to do?" you were scared to ask.

"about what.."

"about us"

your heart clenched against your chest, you didn't know what he was referring to and you never talked about that topic.

"what about us sunoo? we don't-"

"don't play dumb now" he cut you off with anger in his voice "you know i like you and i know you like me too"

"that's not true" and you were right, you would never have imagined that he liked you.

"yes! yes it is. don't try to deny it right now just because "you don't want to hurt me" that's bullshit!"

and he was right. you liked sunoo a lot, but you had never told him and it seemed embarrassing that he noticed and brought up that topic now. he was angry but now you are too.

"and why are you just bringing it up now? if you knew about it before, why didn't you do anything about it!? and you're wrong, i never knew you liked me, sunoo! what the hell?"

he was silent for a few seconds while he shook his head "i should have known"

"what?"

"you're always so oblivious! you never know what's going on around you" you laughed while holding back the tears that wanted to fall from your eyes.

"well, sorry then!"

"i'm sorry ... i'm just" sunoo let out a big sigh, you knew he was scared "my best friend and the person i'm in love with tells me she's going to leave like nothing" the first tears fell from your face. "now you know, what are you going to do?"

"i can't do anything sunoo, seriously, i... i'm sorry" he put his hands on your cheeks drying your tears. you looked deeply into his eyes so he knew you meant it "we can't be together"

and both hearts were broken that afternoon, leaving the pieces on the terrace. after that you did not speak for a few days, but you loved each other so much that he could not be away from you for long. so you both promised each other that until you left, you would spend every day together doing anything, just wasting 24/7 together.

and that's what you've been doing until now, but your flight date was getting closer and closer and you were suffocating.

you hadn't realized you were crying until sunoo gently took your cheek.

"why are you crying?" his beautiful smile only made you want to cry even more, just thinking that you would no longer have the opportunity to see him this close made you want to bury 3 meters underground.

"i'm just thinking that soon i will have to leave... and i will leave you behind"

"don't cry, we still have time to be together" you nodded, trying to just focus on him and nothing else in the world.

time passed and in the blink of an eye you were at the airport, hugging sunoo with all your might, afraid to let go.

after so many years in which you spent your bed crying for him, you had declared and your feelings were reciprocated, but why couldn't you be happy? why couldn't you be with him forever?

"you know you can call me 24/7 when you're there, you know right?" you smiled from ear to ear, of course you knew.

your mom called your name, it was time to get on the plane and get away from there, to get away from sunoo and leave him alone at your home.

before you left, sunoo tucked your hair behind your ear and caressed your cheeks lovingly, and in a second his lips had met with yours.

you've wanted to do that for a long time. but not this way.

it was a kiss full of feelings but bitter at the same time, mixed with the taste of your tears.

"don't cry, you know you can't worry about time" you wanted to hit him at that phrase that he was repeating a thousand times those weeks "when you want to realize, we'll be together again"

and you really wanted to believe him.

note: i'm not fully satisfied with this one tbh, but i hope yall like it! <3

taglist: @yizhoutv

[tuiccim]

Arrangements and Relationships

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader & Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count: 2.8K     Warnings: Major Angst, Fluff

A/N: This is for the HBC’s @the-ss-horniest-book-club​​ Drunk Drabbles / Divider by @whimsicalrogers​

You sat on your bed in tears. It was as you danced with Steve that night at Tony’s party that you had watched over his shoulder as Bucky had left with another woman. Technically, he had every right. The two of you weren't a couple. You had been sleeping together for seven months and you were desperately in love with him, but he had told you many times he didn’t want a relationship. He never told you why, but he insisted that what was going on between the two of you stay casual. You had agreed but, stupidly, you had fallen for him and watching him take another woman to his bed hurt. You knew he probably had before but he had never done it in front of you. 

So, here you sat, heartbroken and berating yourself. You made up your mind as the tears fell. Your relationship with Bucky is over. You can’t do it anymore. It was too painful to be in love with someone who didn’t love you back. You got in the shower to wash away the night and the evidence of your tears. Taking a long look at yourself in the mirror, you square your shoulders and remind yourself that you’re an Avenger, a strong woman, and better than how he’s treating you. With those things in your mind, you head towards your bed to find Bucky stretched out on it waiting for you. 

Bucky gives you a sexy grin, “Hi Doll.”

“What are you doing here?” You say, shocked. 

Bucky smirks and stands up, “I wanted to see you.”

“You wanted to fuck me.” You cross your arms. 

Bucky pauses for a second but then makes his way over to you, “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to do this anymore, Bucky.”

“I didn’t sleep with her, Doll.” Bucky shrugs. 

“Because you backed out or she did?” You raise your eyebrow. 

“Doll…”

“Exactly. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Why not? Because I thought about sleeping with someone else?” Bucky mocks.

“Because I love you and…” you shake your head at the stupidity of admitting that, “And I’m nothing but a fuck to you.”

“That’s not true. You’re my friend and my teammate. But you knew, you knew when we started this I didn’t want a relationship.” Bucky says. 

“I did. I went into this eyes wide open but it hurts too much now. Like you said, this isn’t a relationship, it’s not like I’m breaking up with you. It's an arrangement, and I'm ending it.”

“Doll, come on, this is ridiculous. Nothing happened!” Bucky grouses. 

“Bucky,” you take a deep breath, “I’m not mad. I’m hurt but that’s not your fault. I’m not blaming you, but I can’t. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I deserve better. I want to be with someone who loves me and you have made it very clear that you don’t. And that you won’t. So, it’s time for this to end. Okay?” 

“I don’t want to end this.” Bucky says. 

Your heart leaps for a moment before you force yourself to pull it back, “Why?”

“I thought we were having a good time.” Bucky says. 

“We were but I’m not anymore.” The exasperation comes out in your tone. 

“Why not? It’s not like you don’t come multiple times when we fuck.” Bucky seethes. 

“Because I don’t want someone who just wants to fuck me and leave.” You shout. Bucky looks at you angrily and you force yourself to take a calming breath. “Look, I want a relationship and you don’t. I want to be with someone who wants to stay the whole night and talk about our day and… and… and love me. Really love me” You walk to your door and open it, “Goodbye, Bucky.”

Bucky walks to the door but, before going out, he looks at you, really looks at you, and he sees the hurt he’s caused. It hurts his heart a little knowing he caused it. He never wanted to hurt you and in a way he did love you. “Can… can I kiss you one last time?” He asks quietly. You lick your lips and nod. He brings his hands up to your neck and caresses your jaw before bringing his lips to yours. He kisses you deeply and you kiss him back putting all the emotion and love you felt for him into it. When he pulls back he looks at you tenderly and whispers, “Bye, Doll.”

You close the door behind him and slide to the floor, “Bye, Love.” You whisper before the sobs wrack your body. 

--

The first couple of months were rough. Especially when Bucky started dating or, more accurately, sleeping around. It wasn’t uncommon for him to have two or three different dates a week. Then he began dating one of the lab techs named Cara. At first, it ate at you. He hadn’t wanted a relationship but suddenly he was in one. It was after you got to know Cara a little bit that you realized how sweet she was. She was intelligent, kind, and gentle. It was impossible to dislike her and you found a small part of yourself hoping that Bucky had found what he needed. 

It was at that point you realized you had gotten over Bucky. It had taken months, but you understood, finally, that you couldn’t give each other what you needed. You had spent the time focused on work, missions and training. Steve had begun to look to you for tactical planning and mission reports. You were working more closely with him and training together daily. You became his second for missions more often than not and eventually that bled into your personal lives. The two of you began to lean on each other. You were there for him when Sharon broke their relationship off to take a job in Europe and he brought popcorn and old movies when your dates didn’t work out. He had become your best friend and confidante. You had even admitted to him what happened between you and Bucky. He had comforted you and never once judged you. You were happy and everything (except your love life) was going well. 

Well, everything was going well until your latest mission. It had just been you and Steve on this one. You were in the middle of nowhere Minnesota, in below freezing weather, chasing down a Hydra operative. Unfortunately, the idiot decided to off himself with cyanide once cornered. You had rolled your eyes as he had hissed his final words, “Hail Hydra.”

“Original,” you mock him. 

“Damnit.” Steve says from behind you. 

“Language, Cap.” You joked at him. He had a worse mouth than just about anyone, but you never liked to pass a chance to poke fun at him. 

“Stupid motherfucker!” Steve shouts.

“You better be talking about him.” You needle Steve, who rolls his eyes at your smirk. “Let’s head back to the truck.”

“Race you?” Steve grins. 

You playfully kick him in the butt while laughing. He can outrun you easily and knows it. 

“Hey!” Steve laughs and puts you in a loose headlock. You put your arms around his waist and hug him to you quickly. 

“Yeah, it’s a good thing you can outrun me cause I could totally kick your ass.” 

“Haha. Get in the truck, psycho.” Steve’s nickname for you makes you roll your eyes. 

“Sure thing, nutcake.” You throw back at him. 

It’s late in the afternoon and you head to one of the local motels as your exfil wasn’t scheduled until the next day. Surprisingly,  the parking lot is nearly full. Steve comes out from the office and drives the truck to one of the few remaining parking spots.

“Apparently, there’s an ice fishing tournament and everything is booked up. There, uh, was a cancellation, so we got the only room available.” Steve says. 

“Okay.” You shrug wondering why Steve is acting so squirrely. Grabbing your backpack, you jump out of the truck and follow Steve to the door. You notice a little plaque next to the door reading Honeymoon Suite in swirling letters. You let out a bark of a laugh. “So, the only room left was the honeymoon suite? Oh, man, I can’t wait to see this.”

Steve tries to hide his blush but you could see it a mile away, “Yeah. Sorry.”

“Hurry up. I’m freezing.”

“Yeah, sorry.” Steve says again and pushes the door open. He lets you enter first and you take in the room as you throw your bag on the beige loveseat near the entrance. The room is actually nicer than you expected. The king sized bed is covered in a dark green comforter and white sheets. The walls are painted a serene cream color. There’s a heart shaped jacuzzi tub in one corner of the room which makes you giggle. Thankfully, there is also a shower in the bathroom. A large television takes up most of the room on the dresser against one wall. 

“This isn’t too bad. Did they say what time the diner closes?” You ask. 

“Nine. Why don’t I go pick us up some food and you can get a shower?” Steve offers.

“That would be amazing.”

“Burger and fries?”

“Yes. And um…” you hedge.

“Pie?” Steve smirks. 

“You know my weakness for diner pie.” You say with your hand over your heart. 

Steve grins at you, “Go take a shower.”

“You’re the best, Rogers!” You shout as you grab your bag and shut the bathroom door. 

A few hours later you’re stretched out on the bed while Steve lounges on the loveseat. You had found the movie Ever After on the television and had forced him to watch the retelling of Cinderella with you while you both scarfed down burgers and pie. 

“Mmmm, happy endings. I love them!” You say as you stretch your muscles from sitting in one position too long. “Did it bore you to death?”

“No, it was cute. I liked it.” Steve yawns. 

“Ready to hit the hay?” You get up to brush your teeth. 

“Yeah. I’ll sleep on the couch.” Steve says.

“Steve. That couch is too small for me to even sleep on. You’ll sleep in the bed. It’ll be fine.” 

“You sure?” 

“It’s not like we haven’t laid in bed and watched movies together before. Not a big deal to sleep in the same one.” You roll your eyes. 

When you're done in the bathroom, you and Steve switch places and you curl up on one side of the bed. Steve glances at you nervously as he gets in the bed next to you and lays on his back stiffly. You stop yourself from giggling, but your smile can’t be contained. 

“What?” Steve breaks a small smile when he looks over at you. 

“You scared I’m gonna attack you are something? Steal your virtue?” You release the giggle you’ve been holding in. 

“No.” Steve rolls to face you. “I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You don’t, Stevie. I think I’m more comfortable with you than I’ve ever been with anyone.”

“I’m glad.”

“Me, too,” you whisper as you lean over to kiss his cheek but Steve turns his head and your lips meet unexpectedly. You pull back quickly and stare at him in shock. You look into his big blue eyes and realize why none of your dates ever seem to work out. None of them are Steve. None of them can compare in the slightest to the man now staring at you with his feelings written all over his face. “Steve?”

“I love you.” He says firmly, leaving no room for doubt. You do the only thing you can, you kiss him. His mouth melds to your and he pulls you against him. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you open to him and he explores your mouth with his tongue. 

When Steve pulls back he sees the tears in your eyes but you smile at him, “I love you, too, Stevie.”

--

A few weeks had passed since that fateful night with Steve. While you hadn’t announced you were dating, you didn’t hide it either. Everyone knew and you were excited for Tony’s party tonight. Steve and you would be making your first official appearance as a couple. You had just put the finishing touches on your ensemble when Steve knocked. 

“Come on in, Love. I’m ready.” You turn towards the door excited to see Steve’s reaction to your dress only to find Bucky standing there. “Oh. Sorry, I was expecting Steve.”

“You look gorgeous, doll.” Bucky says quietly as he shuts the door. 

“Thanks. I’m sure Cara will look beautiful as always.” You smile nervously. 

“We broke up.” 

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Yeah. Last week.” Bucky shrugs. 

“I’m sorry to hear that. Are you okay?” You ask.

“Yeah. She, uh, she said I wasn’t in love with her. She said I wasn’t over you.”

“Why would she say that? We were never a couple.” You stare at Bucky in confusion.

“I told her about us. About how we were before.”

“Oh, but-”

“And she was right, Doll. I’m not over you. I miss you so much. I’m so sorry about before. I was scared and I didn't know how to handle it. I love you. I love you so much. Please tell me it’s not too late.” Bucky looks at you desperately. 

“Bucky… I, I don’t. I’m sorry, I don’t feel that way about you. I love Steve. I’m happier than I’ve ever been because of him.”

“Doll, you could be happy with me. Please. I know I messed up. I know I hurt you, but I love you. Please-”

“Bucky! No. Stop this. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t love you anymore. I’m so sorry to hurt you, but Steve is the love of my life. Nothing and no one could ever compel me to give him up.” You say firmly. 

Bucky’s face hardens suddenly, “Then I’m sorry, too, but I’m going to have to tell him about us. Doubt he’ll still want you when he finds out he’s getting sloppy seconds.”

You look at Bucky sadly, knowing he’s lashing out because he’s hurt. “That should tell you how little you really know me or ever knew me if you really think I went into this relationship without him knowing. He knows about our history, Bucky, and he loves me anyway.”

“My best friend? Of everyone, it had to be him?” Bucky’s voice cracks. 

“We didn’t plan it, Bucky. We were colleagues and then friends and then… we fell in love. And we’re happy. I want that for you too, Bucky, but it’s not with me. We weren’t meant to be.” You smile to yourself, “I never knew I could love someone as much as I love Steve. I hope you can find that.” You hug Bucky tightly. “You’re a good man, Bucky. You’ll find someone. Someone you’ll love more than you ever thought you could.”

Bucky hugs you tightly to him but lets go when you pull back. You smile at him sadly and he nods before walking towards the door. He turns back with his hand on the knob, “If he hurts you, I’ll kill him.” 

You smile and nod your head as Bucky opens the door. He stops short face to face with Steve, who is standing on your threshold. The two men stare at each other for a moment before Steve holds his hand out. Bucky shakes Steve’s hand and nods, “Be good to her.”

“I will be. Always.” Steve says. He closes the door after Bucky leaves. 

“Hey Love.” You smile at him and start to move towards him when he holds a hand up to stop you. Your stomach drops at the gesture. 

“Stop there. Now turn for me.” Steve’s mouth quirks as he says it. You do a slow turn to show off your dress. “Gorgeous. Come here, sweetheart.” He envelopes you in his arms and you breathe deeply of his scent. 

“How much did you hear?” 

“Pretty much all of it I think.” Steve pulls back to look at you, “You’re the love of my life, too.”

“I love you. More than I ever knew I could love someone.”

“Wanna skip the party and spend the night in bed?” Steve bobs his eyebrows at you making you giggle. 

“Yes, but Tony would probably bust up in here and drag us to the party half-dressed,” you laugh. “Let’s go make our appearance, dance a little, and then you can bring me back here and show me exactly how much you love me.”

“Mmm, I like your plan.” Steve grins as he kisses you. 

Masterlist

Permanent: @bubbabarnes​ @badassbaker​ @thefridgeismybestie​ @strangersstranger​ @cherthegoddess​ @buckyluvrs​ @sherlocksmanwatson​ @cap-n-stuff​ @finleyjayne​ @caplanreads​ @connie326​ @daydreamerinadazedworld​ @bugsbucky​ @chrisevanscardigan​ @harrysthiccthighss​ @palaiasaurus64​ @rebekahdawkins​ @maaaaarveeeeel​ @tllynn15​ @learisa​ @jelly-fishy-babie​ @fistmebuckyskywalker​ @nerdy-bookworm-1998​ @liebs82​ @honestly-dontknow​ @a-really-bi-girl​ @saiyanprincessswanie​ @baddie-barnes​ @aikeia​ @paleo-runaway​ @marvelgirl7​ @starlightcrystalline​ @xxloki81xx​ @kcd15​ @slytherinambitious​ @sallycanwait68​ @slytherdorxmd​ @fangirlforever2412​ @rainbowkisses31​ @whisperlullaby​ @thejemersoninferno​ @thehumanistsdiary​ @supraveng​ @dispatchvampire​ @juenenfeu​ @sxbby-barnes​ @allonszassbutt​ @y-napotat​ @reallymagnificentinfluencer​ @is-it-madness​ @harold231​ @buckysbaby32​ @purselover23​ @ene-rene​ @chrisevansbaby​ @rosesanchez12298806​ @xxpapasfritasxx​

[hookingminor]

12 or 1 w matthew tkachuk please!

12. when they haven’t seen each other for a while (bonus point if they’re not sure the other one is alive) and all this time they’ve been trying to stay strong, but when they reunite, they crash into each other’s arms, and completely breakdown…

taking a lil break from studying for finals. spoiler: ya girl is dying a slow and painful death and if I don't kill myself by the end of next week it will have been a miracle

-

The extended road trip took Matthew by surprise. A last minute opportunity came up for the Flames to play a few games in Europe as the NHL had tried to reopen the idea of European tours. It was nothing major, just a few games in Germany and Sweden against Dallas. The trip was originally supposed to take a week, but the late admittance for the series caused the Flames schedule to be restructured.

You were currently on a trip of your own visiting your family when Matthew got the news. You wouldn’t be back in time to see him off before he had to go to Europe. The week in Europe would be followed by launching into their two-week stretch of roadies, and the guys were told to pack accordingly since they wouldn’t be back in Calgary for nearly a month.

It wasn’t the first time you’d gone so long without seeing Matthew, but it would be the first time since moving in with him. Since the relationship had gotten serious, Matthew always made a point to invite you over or visit you at your crowded apartment, but things had gotten a lot easier since you moved into his apartment last year. You were always home waiting after hard games and hard road trips, and Matthew wouldn’t have it any other way.

He was more than a little displeased at the news. He should’ve been bouncing off the walls at a chance to do some light touring of Europe, but all he could think about was how he wasn’t going to see you for a month.

The time difference made communication a little difficult, especially with your busy schedules, but even the phone calls and facetimes when he was back in the states weren’t any easier. Matthew was restless. Restless to get back to you and your bed and your Australian Shepherd puppy you’d adopted not even three months ago.

Matthew was two seconds away from collapsing to his knees in exhaustion when he turned his key into the lock of your apartment. His suits were all wrinkled and in desperate need of cleaning after nearly a month on the road, and the hotel pillows didn’t come close to replacing your figure in bed next to him.

“Hey there, Luna,” Matthew dropped his bag and suitcase in the doorway, immediately crouching to the height of your dog so he could properly scratch behind her ears. “Miss me, bud?” She yipped happily, bouncing joyfully around his feet.

“She’s not the only one,” you said from the hallway. He hadn’t heard you come out of the bedroom, and your silhouette was outlined in the dim lighting from a lamp in the living room. Maybe it was your sleepy face or the way you stood there in only his t-shirt and a cardigan on the verge of falling asleep or the fact that he hadn’t seen you in a month, it was probably all factors combined, but Matthew felt like collapsing.

He stood up quickly, and Luna jumped to the side to not get in his way as Matthew quickly crossed the few feet of distance between your bodies. You barely had any time to process before he was squeezing all the breath out of your lungs in the tightest hug you’d ever received. Matthew tucked his face into your neck as your arms came to wrap around his shoulders.

“Hello to you too, baby,” you chuckled lightly, letting your fingers tangle into the hair that had grown a little longer since you last saw him. Matthew whispered a reply, but it was mumbled into your skin.

“What was that?” You asked, tugging his hair back a bit so you could see his face. You furrowed your brows. “Are you crying?”

The lighting was minimal, but you could make out the teary look in Matthew’s eyes. He quickly swiped them away with the back of his hand before engulfing you in his arms again. “I just missed you a lot. That’s all.”

As if your heart couldn’t break anymore, you positively melted into his arms. “I missed you too,” you replied. This time you took your turn to bury your face into his neck, and Matthew pulled you even closer.

He walked your bodies back until you reached the bedroom, never once letting go of you. Matthew paused in front of the bed briefly and gently cupped your cheek with one hand. Dipping his head, he kissed your lips softly and deeply, tilting your head up with his hand. It was quick, just enough to convey how much he missed you over the last month, but you didn’t mind. You had a feeling Matthew wasn’t going to let go of you any time soon.

“I’m never leaving you for that long ever again,” he muttered against your lips, and you smiled.

“Well, I’m not letting you leave for that long ever again,” you grinned. “And next time you go to Europe, you better take me with you.”

“We’ll make our own vacation out of it,” Matthew agreed. “Anywhere you want to go, I’ll take you.”

“We can talk about it later. I’m sure you wanna get to sleep. You must be exhausted,” you said softly. You moved to step out of his embrace but were met with instant resistance from Matthew.

“I need to refill Luna’s water, and I’ll be back in a second,” you said, unwrapping Matthew’s hands yourself much to his dismay. He let out a quiet whine but let you out of his grip since he was too tired to fight you right now.

You left the room for a minute to fill Luna’s water bowl and collected Matthew’s suitcases from the door. You found him with one eye barely open when you reentered the bedroom with his luggage in tow.

“Don’t you dare unpack that right now,” Matthew grumbled from his side of the bed. You were half tempted to not listen to him, knowing it would save you time tomorrow if you just did it right now, but he sounded too put out for you to argue.

You crawled under the covers and turned off the bedside lamp, and Matthew’s body was on top of yours in an instant. He curled into your side, resting his face on your chest and wrapping an arm tight around your abdomen. A leg wiggled its way between yours, and Matthew clutched you close like you were his own personal teddy bear.

You let your fingers card through his hair, gently scratching his scalp to which Matthew let out a content sigh.

“I love you,” he said sleepily, and all you could do was smile and repeat the sentiment.

“I love you too,” you said, but Matthew was already passed out before he could hear it.

You woke up the following morning the same way you fell asleep, with Matthew half on top of you and his hair tickling your face, but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

[migilini]

Roadtrip - Charlie Gillespie

a/n: just a daydream I had when I saw this GIF. It’s not proofread. I’m open to requests.

Words: 2k

---------------------------------------

You and Charlie were on a road trip from LA to Oklahoma and last to Chigaco. Your boyfriend had to move there due to the fact that he got cast in a movie and you were fortunate enough to move with him, being able to work from home. It wasn't your idea to drive all those miles via car, but Charlie doesn't like flying so he avoided it at all cost and because you love him, you accompanied him for those dreadful hours.

It was way too early for your liking, of course Charlie knew that and put up with your grumpy, nontalkative mood, simply shoving a large cup of coffee into your hands. “Ma cœur, how much longer until you're more awake to talk to me?” Charlie asked after a while, as he glanced over to you on the passenger side, his free hand tracing little hearts on your thigh. You yawned and took a sip of the now lukewarm coffee. “About this much.” You measured the amount still in the cup, making him chuckle.

You and Charlie have been dating for nearly one and a half years now, however it feels like it's been much longer. From the start, the two of you were attached at the hip, instantly comfortable around each other. Everybody said that you two moved too fast because you moved in with each other after only three months of dating, but because of Covid you didn't want to risk being apart. Even though objectively speaking, you and Charlie were not the same, you were more daydreaming than actually paying attention and you didn't need the adrenaline in your life, you completed him in a magical way.

Right now you two were two hours in, the coffee was empty and you ass already sore from all the sitting. It was something you always despided about yourself, you could spend all day laying in bed, but you couldn't sit still, changing position every now and then. Tapping your foot to the beat of the song streaming from the radio. Charlie calmly hummed along to the song, his fingers also tapping along. You looked over at him and couldn't love him more.

“Are you excited to see Owen and Jer?” You asked him, breaking the silence. A breathtaking smile overtook his face “You know it! How about you?” You nodded, also excited to see the boys again. “Mhm. I missed them a lot.” The song on the radio changed and you huffed in annoyance, you hated that song. Sensing that, Charlie took out his phone and connected it to the car.

“Charlie! Don't drive and be on your phone!” You snapped it out of his hand, giving him a displeased look. Scrolling through Spotify you eventually choose a song to your liking. 18 by OneDirection blared through the speakers, while you put the volume higher you turned in your seat. “I have loved you since we were 18. Well technically 20 but that's a detail.” You whispered the last part. He scrunched his nose in amusement, a quirk you loved dearly.

The two of you screamed lyrics at the top of your lungs, the car driving on an empty highway. The rest of the world fading away, leaving the two of you in a cozy little bubble of your own. The day continued just like that, the two of you singing to songs and just enjoying the company. You loved seeing him drive, something about it was just so attractive to you, maybe it was the way his arms flexed when he moved the wheel, or the fact that you yourself were unable to drive. Even with your 21 years of life, you refused to sit behind the steering wheel and Charlie had tried several times, it always ended with you in tears.

“Do you want to stop somewhere to sleep? It's getting kinda late and you have been driving the whole day.” you questioned, looking at the horizon as the last beams of yellow and red vanished slowly. “Yes please. Can you search for a hotel around here?” Nodding, you took his phone and went onto google maps.

“There's one about two hours away in New Mexico. Reviews look good and the price isn't too high. Sadly no breakfast included, so we're gonna get you something on the road, not gonna let you starve, otherwise I will be stranded here.” He gave your thigh a playful slap and a squeeze “Yeah, yeah love you too, Char. I will look it up… Ah perfect! There's a Dunkin Donuts five miles from the hotel. Does that sound good babe?” He hummed in approval.

“Ah a man of words!” he took one of your hands and gave it a light kiss. “You know me. I always wanted to be a Mime.” he joked.

Before you knew it, the car came to a stop in the pitch black. Only a little yellow neon sign lighting up the hotel parking spot.

“This looks like this one Teen Wolf episode…” you murmured, not feeling the best about this place. “You’re just saying that because you're scared of the dark ma cœur. I'm here to protect you. No Monsters are harming you tonight.” he teased, getting out of the car. In typical Charlie fashion, he walked around the car and opened your door and held out a hand for you, immediately intertwining your fingers. 

You smiled up at him, squeezing his hand. “Ha ha…”

The two of you were happy to finally walk off the stiffness of your legs, as you walked over to the reception. 

“Hello. We would have a room please.”

The receptionist was in his late 30s, his greying hair falling messily in his eyes and a big smile sat on his thin lips. “No Problem. Is a king bed alright with the two of you?” he didn't want to assume anything. You and Charlie chuckled, nodding slightly “Preferred actually.”

Five minutes later, you waited in the room 345 while Charlie insisted on getting your bags. Stretching, you tried to get rid of the soreness in your back, your eyes nearly falling shut.

Charlie opened the doors, giving you a tired smile. “Let's get to bed. Tomorrow we rise early!” you groaned, making him chuckle. Standing up, you walked over to him, your arms wrapping around his familiar frame. He was stroking your head, giving it a kiss before walking into the bathroom to brush his teeth. 

In the meanwhile you changed your clothes, changing from some jeans and one of his hoodies to sweatpants and an oversized shirt. 

You gave him a hasty kiss as he came out of the bathroom, smelling the mint of the toothpaste still lingering on his lips. After you washed your face and brushed your teeth, you let yourself fall into the bed. His arms sneaking around your waist, pulling you closer into him. 

“Thank you.” Turning around to face him, you traced his features with your fingertips “For what?”

“Coming on this drive with me. You could have easily convinced me to fly, you know.”

“I know mon amour.” you said, looking into his eyes, as you tried your best to keep yours open. You left several kisses on his bare shoulders until your lips met his. He smiled into the kiss and then nuzzled his head into the crook of your neck, pecking it several times before stopping.

“Good night. I love you.”

“Good night babe. Love you more.”

The next morning came way too fast and you didn't want to move out of his comfortable and safe arms into the cold car, but you had to. The sunrise hadn't even begun, the sky still a dark blue, when the two of you drove into the Dunkin drive through, to get you a coffee and a donut. You had to have something sweet in the mornings.

“Actually, I saw a little restaurant on the way here that should have takeaway, do you mind if we take a quick stop?” you shook your head, trying hard not to fall asleep again. An idea ignited in your head and you sat up straighter. “What if we go live while you drive? Maybe I'll be more awake or I'll have stuff to read.” you requested, looking at your boyfriend with a slight pout.

“Sure thing. I'll bet they'll love it.” Smiling, you grabbed his phone from his hand and went into Instagram.

“Hey Char and y/n here.” you introduced while trying to balance the phone on the dashboard “Its freaking early and I’m nearly falling asleep so I thought you guys could entertain me a bit. Mister Gillespie over here isn't as interesting as you guys.” he pouted into the camera, you leaned forward quickly and gave him a kiss on the cheek. The chat was already flooding with hey’s and questions about your relationship and where you were going.

“Is it true that you sometimes talk french to Charlie?” you read from the chat, your eyes widening a little in surprise. 

“Sometimes. I mean my french isn't the best but growing up in Europe, I picked up some stuff.”

“She’s just being humble, she understands a lot and her accent is hella cute.” Charlie piped in, pulling into the drive through he mentioned earlier. “Je vois que tu comprends." He said to you, a slight smile playing on his lips. You got lost in his eyes for a second before responding. “Of course I understand babe!” he grabbed your hand and kissed it softly while chuckling. 

“OMG that was just so cute!” you read out loud from the chat. Blushing slightly, you giggled, “He loves to do stuff like that when he’s driving. Always showing affection in one way or the other.”

“Uhm next question...What are you two doing so early? Someone asks.” with an raised eyebrow you look over to your boyfriend “I think you can answer this.” you turned the camera a bit so he was more in frame. “We're going to Chicoago, Chigacoooo.” he quoted the iconic Victorious scene, his eyes scanning the road before him.

He got himself a cheese thing of some sort, you couldn't quite make out what it was and parked on the side of the road, getting his food ready in front of him.

He bit into his cheese thing while you sipped on your coffee conversing with the chat. Just earlier you had begged for music suggestions, telling them to send their best road trip songs. Charlie looked really good right now, his hair was pulled together in a bun and he was wearing a blue shirt. You on the other hand had your hair in a top bun and the same hoodie from yesterday, a wool blanket draped over your shoulders. You just wanted to ask if you could have a bite, when he got cheese all over his chin. 

He laughed as he looked over to you. Before you knew what you were doing, you leaned forward in your seat. Your face mere inches away from his, you could feel his breath on your face. You stuck out your tongue and licked the cheese away, your eyes never leaving his. 

Without giving it a second thought, you settled back into a comfortable position and took a sip from your coffee with a prominent smirk on your face. Leaving a dumbfounded Charlie and a screaming chat.

Not even an hour later the clip of you licking his chin, in maybe a bit of a too sexual way, went viral in the community.

[ballodellamarlena]

m o o n l i g h t

damiano david x reader + ex!gjon muharremaj (gjon’s tears)

genre: fluff, minimal angst

wc: 1.7k

notes: non-canonical OOC, also my first fic in a long time, this is a result of me ignoring my finals with a dash of projecting

feedback is appreciated! if you are interested in reading more i have more ideas :)

-

2021 just can't stop surprising.

In hindsight, it was worse for some in comparison to year prior, but life goes on.

And so does Europe's most famous song competition.

2021 just can't stop surprising. In hindsight, it was worse for some in comparison to the year prior, but life goes on. And so does Europe's most famous song competition.

2020's cancellation of Eurosong was devastating, to say the least, but now it's back and in full shine; different singers, different songs, lots of changes made. Your job as an audio technician swept you off to places you'd never thought you'd see. From concerts to musical artists in recording studios in their whole essence; the making of a song, the process fascinated you. It kind of didn't surprise you when you were accepted to be a part of Eurovision's sound squad. It was, after all, everything you've been working for.

It was not soon after Tel Aviv when you met Gjon in a recording studio, where you were temporarily stationed before departure to Rotterdam to start preparing for the next year. Gjon was a nice constant to your hectic life, always there to shine on a new perspective and always there to comfort you on your worst days. In turn, you were there during his journey to be chosen as Switzerland's contestant in 2020's Eurovision. You were there when he wrote his song about being and belonging. Your blossoming relationship became too great to ignore, and soon you became the team's sweethearts; his firm but soft composure meshing with your assertive and curious nature in the best of ways. You were not afraid to say that you knew him, and vice versa. Everything really was perfect. Until the epidemic hit.

It was like a domino effect, one thing encouraging everything else to fall apart. Being in a foreign country while it was in a state of emergency was not the most ideal, and it didn't really help your job. Your recently appointed position in Eurovision's sound squad was gone with the wind when the cancellation was announced, and so did Gjon's hard work. Tensions rose, and while your relationship was as healthy as could be, it simply wasn't enough. Or maybe it was never supposed to be something more than a prolonged period of deep infatuation between two human beings.

The departure was bittersweet, to say the least. But you knew, a year with him would never compare to anything else. You two parted gently, on a windy airport, almost ignorant to the tears in Gjon's eyes; you saw regret, pain, and fear, but you both understood that if you decided to give your all to each other before knowing what that 'all' even is, it would hurt much more.

You remember his arms around for the last time, whispering promises of sunnier days and warm reunions, the lump in his throat preventing him from promising you a better him.

You haven't been able to completely process his intentions, too keen on leaving. You were itching for something different, but everything seemed too claustrophobic in this state of the world. So you accepted the first job offer that presented itself to you and flew off to Sanremo.

-

"You okay?"

You turned abruptly towards Victoria, one of the band members you were here with here in Rotterdam in the middle of rehearsals and navigating through Rotterdam.

Your job offer as one of Eurovision's sound technicians still stood even throughout the epidemic but after Måneskin's success at the Sanremo Festival that granted them the first row in the finals of Eurovision you decided to stay with them, so the job kind of integrated being an official technician in charge of Italy and being their personal plus one.

You stared at Victoria with a blank stare, reminiscing the past short few months; Sanremo brought new experiences and new people. Italy's contest for the contestant at 2021's Eurovision started from square one, giving new chances.

Maybe Måneskin was just what you needed, the four of them. Victoria, Thomas, Ethan, and Damiano.

Damiano was a breath of fresh air. A breeze of fast wind. Assertive and confident. You couldn't deny it was attractive. You tried not to let his aura control your way of seeing him, but very soon you found him to be one of the best people you've ever met. You helped you express yourself more, welcomed you like family, made you see life and yourself like something more than you had originally thought. You two clicked, and between new friendships and an interesting job position you allowed them to take you with them to Rotterdam. And you did so without hesitating.

Besides, no one could deny something heavy between you and Damiano.

Back to the present, at Italy's table with the band and the delegation, Damiano comfortably sitting on your left, you stared at Victoria to your right, trying to come up with an answer when you heard it again.

"Will Switzerland's contestant please begin their rehearsal?"

And there he was, no different than that day at the airport. Last you heard about Gjon he came with a new song, after managing to keep his place as the contestant, something many preparing contestants had to give up prior to this year's competition.

You were sitting on the edge of your seat, elbows on your knees. You felt Damiano's fingers twirling one of your locks on the back of your hair, a bit uninterested to be watching somebody else's rehearsal while the band was already done with theirs.

"Yeah." you smiled lightly. There was no lie, why wouldn't you feel fine?

You felt Damiano's hand weaving with your elbow, pulling you to him, and you leaned back against the cushion, leaning your head gently against his shoulder. And if he noticed you seemed lethargic all of a sudden, he didn't say anything.

You stared intensely towards the stage, but relaxed and turned to the rest of your company after realizing this rehearsal only included the technical side of things. No song from him today.

-

22nd of May, 2021

Entirely skipping the semi-finals, you and your team only focused on your own band. Being one of the Big 5 was admirable, and everyone expected a show.

The clothes fit, the makeup was on, and the band was ready to enter the arena along with you and Italy's delegation. Nine pm was nearing and you were going to be sitting through all of the 26 songs, along with voting.

Songs went by fast, some fun, some less, but all were good until it was time for Switzerland. You were about to hear his new song.

Je vois derrière nous des morceaux de toi Et ce que la douleur a fait de moi

The somber tone, the lyrics. Your limited knowledge of french allowed you to understand the basic point of the song.

Nos deux cœurs sous la terre

He was still not over you.

But maybe he was but was singing about somebody else, you tried to rationalize.

Damiano squeezed your hand that you didn't even realize he was holding, you were so tense. The band was aware of your previous association with the Swiss singer, but you didn't even want to know what they were thinking about.

You only thought about the song. The melody, the words sang of his anguish, and it wasn't a bad song. You wanted so desperately to heal him but knew it was not your job to do anymore.

Comment soigner nos coeurs qui éclatent?

Your eyes made contact, and it was like going back in time. But all songs end, and so did yours.

The crowd cheered, it was a great performance. The table clapped and you watched him getting off the stage, not knowing what to think.

"It's going to be okay, carina."

That one pull you needed, and you didn't doubt anymore.

An hour and a half later, after Italy's performance, which was quite an experience, finals were coming to an end, and the voting began.

You will never get used to feeling nervous about getting results, even when you weren't the object of it. But watching Switzerland get so many points from the jury made it a whole new experience. Italy was places below and everyone was silent.

The televoting points change everything, it was unpredictable, just like the whole competition. You had Damiano's hand in your left and Ethan's in your right, squeezing them, but adrenaline prevented you to feel anything else besides your heartbeat.

You wanted them to win so bad. They worked so hard to get where they are today, and while all contestants deserved a chance, you couldn't not be a little biased.

The 318 points to Italy were a game-changer, the crowd cheered, Victoria and Thomas jumped and screamed, and Damiano pulled you up into a hug, cheering with them; they were in the first place now. Crowd's favorite, obviously.

All that was left to hear was the number of points for Switzerland.

You've got to be kidding me, you thought.

It was tension between Switzerland and Italy, and you honestly didn't know who would win. But did it really have to be the two of them?

You felt the cameras focusing and your table, And everything was silent. You felt Gjon's stare, piercing through you. But the only thing you could focus on was Damiano's skin touching yours, his fingers intertwining with yours, and you knew that no matter the outcome, everything would be okay.

But alas, the points weren't enough to overthrow Italy, and you grinned, suddenly feeling Victoria's arms around you and Damiano's tears of joy on your neck. Everyone's screams made it seem like total silence and you smiled big, proud of your friends.

You were so happy you didn't realize they were soon dragging you with them to the stage to perform once again. In fact, you never felt so happy, you even started to sing loudly with the crowd.

Damiano, in his whole element, shining with pride and glory, motioned you to the stage by the end, pulled you in, and kissed you deeply, holding you close, and silently thanking you.

You knew life wasn't always going to be this pretty, but you thought, maybe you could live in this moment for a little while longer, kissing your frontman and giving yourself completely to the blinding lights of a victorious arena.

It was time to move on.

-

a/n: this was so bad i'm so sorry

[staticscreenwriting]

LOVE LIKE THE MOVIES // BUCKY BARNES

TWO - Grease 1 & 2

Masterlist 

Summary: This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Bucky Barnes, finds himself thrown into a world that seems so different from everything he’s ever known. The girl, (Y/N) knows entirely too much about rom-coms and is quite particular about the way she eats her popcorn. Bucky meets (Y/N) a few months after returning to NYC. He knows almost immediately that becoming her friend is inevitable. This is a story of boy meets girl. This is a story about love. (Bucky Barnes x female!Reader // a few spoilers for TFATWS)

[additional note: I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.]

“  I made a friend. “

Dr. Raynor doesn’t look up from her notebook but the slightly surprised raise of her eyebrow doesn’t get lost on Bucky.

“ Thought you might want to know. “

She stops writing for a second and glances up at him, her eyes holding a certain sense of hesitation and reluctance. He can almost see the gears in her head turning. She’s trying to get one step ahead of him, figure out what smartass comment he’ll throw at her. Only this time there isn’t one. This time it’s all genuine. It’s all true.

“ I do. That’s — good. Where’s the catch? “

“ There’s no catch. I made a new friend, just like that. And it’s not some making amends thing either. “

She closes her notebook, places it on the table to her right, and then folds her hands in her lap the way she does sometimes when Bucky knows he’s said something important. He has her entire and undivided attention.

“ That’s good, James. Tell me more about this friend. “

“ Her name is (Y/N). She’s a waitress and she’s really into movies. “

“ Oh. “

“ Oh? “

“ It’s a woman. “

“ Yeah it’s a woman, is that a problem? “ Bucky asks. Now it’s time for him to raise an eyebrow in question.

“ No. It’s not. I just didn’t expect it. “

“ Are you saying men and women can’t be friends? That’s awfully antiquated thinking, Doc. Have you ever seen when Harry met Sally? “

“ I have. Have you?”

Bucky scoffs as if the question is an insult to his intelligence.

“ Sure. It’s a classic. “

He hits her with a sarcastic grin, the one he knows she hates. The one she knows is fake and fabricated but that allows him to be unreadable to her for just a second.

“ Well then. I’m glad you’re making friends. It’s a big step, James. But I don’t want you to get attached to someone because you think that’s gonna make you get out of this arrangement any sooner, “ she says and motions her finger around the room in a twirling motion. “ It’s a more permanent situation. I hope you are aware of that.”

Eyes averted to the floor, Bucky nods his head in understanding.

“ I know. That’s not the reason. I — she knows me. Knows about me before all of the bad stuff. In her eyes, I am the man I used to be before Hydra. It’s nice to go back to that even if it’s not the truth. (Y/N) gives me a chance to figure out who I am right now without being reminded of all the bad things I did. “

When he looks back up Dr. Reynor regards him with a look he’s never seen before. Softer. She even smiles a little bit and he hardly ever sees her smile. Granted, he doesn't make these sessions easy for her so what does he expect really? Her smiling at him feels like he’s doing something right.

“ She sounds lovely. “

“ She talks so much and she sends me weird videos I don’t understand. Like, yesterday she sent me one of a kid saying he’s 19 and he can’t read and — I have no idea what it meant. And she makes fun of me for having a flip phone. But it’s not mean-spirited or anything. She doesn’t make me feel left out. Doesn’t make me feel stupid. “

“ Anything else you know about her? “

“ Her coffee tastes horrible. “

Dr. Reynor lets out an airy chuckle. “ James, I like the fact that you’re making friends. We all need friends, especially during times when we feel like we’re lost or have no direction in life. And it sounds like this friendship is good for you. “

“ But? “

“ Why do you think there’s a but ? “

“ There always is. “

She regards him for a second then nods slightly. “ You’re right. But it’s not a bad one. Listen, it seems like this woman knows a lot about who you used to be. How about you learn a little more about her? Even the playing field. A friendship is based on mutual understanding and trust. That’s my homework for you. Get to know her better. “

“ Your homework is for me to spend time with a friend? “

“ Yes. Now that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? “

Bucky shakes his head in reply.

No, that really doesn’t sound all that bad.

The bell above the door chimes as Bucky steps inside the diner. It’s quite a bit more crowded than the last time he’s been here.

“ Grumpy!”

His head snaps towards the counter at the enthusiastic exclamation of his new nickname.

  (Y/N) stands behind the counter clad in the diner’s signature baby blue polo shirt, a pencil tugged behind her ears, and a frilly apron wrapped around her waist.

Her lips pull into a smile as he approaches and plops down onto one of the barstools.

“ You have impeccable timing, Grumpy.”

“ I guess that’s gonna stick? “

(Y/N) only nods her head in agreement, eyes full of mischief and determination. There’s no sense in arguing about this topic. That’s one nickname set in stone now. And really, it’s not like it doesn’t fit him.

“ I have something for you. “

“ You do? “

“ Well it’s not technically for you specifically but I need someone to try it so — “

Before he can even react she rushes back into the kitchen, her sneakers creating squeaking sounds on the shiny linoleum floor.

“ Do you want some coffee? “ the other waitress approaches, holding out the pot filled with the dark brew. It smells warm and delicious and Bucky wants to say yes until he remembers the last time he’s had coffee here and how bitter and burned it had been. And how he drank it anyway because he couldn’t bear to let (Y/N) know that her coffee was horrible.

“ Don’t worry, “ the waitress speaks up again, obviously picking up on Bucky’s complicated feelings towards the diner’s coffee “ I made it. Won’t let her near the pot when I’m around.”

“ In that case, please. “

Just as the mug fills with coffee, (Y/N) comes back tumbling around the corner and out of the kitchen. She leans against the counter, next to the red-haired waitress, and plops a Tupperware container in front of Bucky.

“ Try these and tell me what you think. “

Bucky takes a sip of his coffee before slowly opening the container to be greeted by a pile of cookies, of all shapes and sizes, no two quite the same.

“ Cookies? “

“ Eat one! “

“ Whoa, hold up.” Bucky exclaims as he raises his hands in mock defense. “ this sounds awfully suspicious to me. Are you trying to pull a Snow White on me here? “

(Y/N) eyes grow big and the most radiant smile spreads across her face at his words.

“ You made a pop culture reference!”

“ Saw it in the cinema. “

“ No way.”

“ Mmmh. With my sister.”

“ I just decided I love it when you make pop culture references. “

“ Noted.”

“ Okay, so since no one thinks it’s important to introduce me, let me do it myself,” the red-haired waitress chimes in and holds out her hand for Bucky to shake. He can see her eyebrows furrow a little as she notices his gloves. It’s not yet cold enough for people to not wonder about it. They know something ain’t right with him and he hates it. Wishes they’d just disregard it. Act like it’s a completely normal and feasible thing.

“ I’m Robin, (Y/N)’s best friend. “

“ I’m Bucky. Hopefully, not the first victim of (Y/N)’s poisoning.”

“ Oh, how arrogant of you to assume you’d be the first. If you don’t want my cookies, give ‘em back !”

(Y/N) tries to reach across the counter only for Bucky to snatch the container away holding it out of her reach. “ You gave me the cookies, you can’t take them back. That’s not how gifts work.”

“ Then try one for god’s sake! “

“ Alright, calm down. I will. “

He hates the fact that both (Y/N) and Robin are staring at him as he takes a bite of one of the cookies. The whole thing is almost the size of his face and littered with chocolate chips. It’s a damn mess of a cookie and he’d loved to have been there when she made them. No doubt it was chaos. No doubt it was an awful lot of fun too.

The cookie is — a lot. It’s too much sugar, too much chocolate. Too much of everything. He can practically feel the cavities building with every bite he takes. It’s that sweet.

But she looks at him with such glee in her eyes and this big beautiful smile that rivals the sun with its brightness and there’s no way in hell he can tell her the truth. Not when lying about it keeps that smile on her face.

Quite honestly,  Bucky thinks, life isn’t about telling the truth at all times. Sometimes, life is about knowing when to use your little white lies. Sometimes telling the truth isn’t doing anyone any favor.

“ So ? “

“ They’re — sweet.”

And they are. So really, it isn’t even an actual lie after all.

“ Good. They’re supposed to be. You see, I have a date tomorrow and I asked him what his favorite dessert was and he said cookies. I’m not sure they count as a dessert but anyway. Thanks for being my guinea pig. “

Robin throws him a look over (Y/N)’s shoulder. A look that lets him know she’s not buying it. She’s looking right through him. But she smiles so maybe she too realizes that sometimes lying saves everyone the heartache that may come with the truth.

“ You have a date? “

“ I do. His name is Russell, we’ve been hanging out for a while but he had to go to Europe for work and we haven’t seen each other in a few months. It was never anything serious, kind of a wrong place, wrong time thing. But maybe this time it works. “

“ Oh please, “ Robin exclaims, furiously slamming the pot back into the coffee machine. “ This loser has been stringing you along for far too long now. He’s not worth it. Trust me you can do so much better than him. “

There’s something about the way (Y/N) mood changes, the way she falters, that Bucky doesn’t like. Not even a tiny little bit. It’s a split second, just the whisper of a moment and then she’s back to her joking, bubbly self. But that tiny second is enough. Enough for Bucky to know he never wants to see it again. The doubt and hurt fluttering across her eyes. He’s seen too much hurt in too many eyes. It’s never getting any easier. It just makes him realize how much he hates seeing it in hers.

“ Ignore the crazy lady, he’s not that bad.” (Y/N) tries to reason, though the light and airy tone in her voice doesn’t sound quite as convincing as it usually does.

“ He refuses to put a label on your relationship and he treats you like you’re disposable. “

“ Sounds like a catch, is this the one with the fish picture or the one with the star wars facts? “ Bucky asks, biting off yet another piece of the tooth-achingly sweet cookie.

“ Neither. We met while walking our dogs. He’s nice, really. “

“ Sounds like it. “

“ He is. Robin over there just thinks she’s the expert on romance because she’s about to get married. Don’t believe a thing she says. Her own fairytale romance makes her blind to other people’s romantic struggles. “

Robin shakes her head in disagreement, making her red curls bounce with each motion. “ You’re a big girl, you know what you’re doing. I’m just calling things as I see them. Anyway, I gotta serve table 4.”

Silence falls upon them as Robin leaves to tend to the customers and (Y/N) averts her eyes back towards the countertop.

“ Hey, “ Bucky speaks up, getting (Y/N) to look up and meet his eyes. “ I hope the date turns out well for you, you deserve that. And if it doesn’t, just text me and we can watch another movie or something. “

“ You’d do that for me? “

“ Yeah. Sure. It’s what friends do. We’re friends now — right ? “

(Y/N) smiles “ right!”

And it’s nice, Bucky thinks, to have a friend again. Even though it’s all new and fresh, it feels wonderful. Like a tiny bit of weight has been taken from his shoulders. Like he can take a breath for the first time in a long time.

Joe’s Pizzaria is an American restaurant that tries desperately to trick Americans into thinking it’s an authentic Italian restaurant.

And while it does have a certain undeniable charm, (Y/N) gets a bit tired of chomping down on yet another breadstick while staring at the red and white checkered tablecloth and pretending not to grasp the gravity of the situation. He’s not gonna come. He’s two hours late. Two whole hours. Half a bottle of wine and one salad late. The waiters pity her, it’s painfully obvious. The way they keep checking on her, keep asking if there’s anything they can bring her. Keep filling her breadstick with no upcharge.

Pity, (Y/N) thinks, is her least favorite emotion. It doesn’t do anyone any good and in the end, everyone just feels worse.

A "ping" coming from her phone pulls (Y/N) from her thoughts and for a teeny-tiny second a flicker of hope sparks in her heart that maybe Russell is just late and this is him apologizing and explaining. Maybe she was worth it to him after all.

Then her eyes register the name on the screen and disappointment fills her veins. Does he really not care? Does she really mean so little to him, he doesn't even feel the need to cancel the date? Is this some sick joke?

Bucky's message reads: Hope you're having fun. Did he like the cookies?

It's a weird feeling, to know someone she hasn't known for very long wastes even the smallest thought on her while her date doesn't give a shit. All it does is set into perspective that her blossoming friendship with Bucky is worth any effort it might take.

"Don't ask. Hey, what are you doing right now?"

"Oh, that bad? Not much. Trying to figure out what to have for dinner. Why?"

"How do you feel about spaghetti and meatballs?"

He doesn’t have a couch.

That’s the one thought that spooks around his head as soon as he realizes what he’s just agreed to.

He’s been living here for months and he doesn’t even have a fucking couch.

When (Y/N) asked if she could come around, when she said she’d bring food and asked if her dog could come, he couldn’t say no. Not when she's already been stood up that night. Nevertheless, everything inside him starts twisting up in knots at the thought of opening his home to another person. Home. That’s really the problem now that he thinks about it. This place doesn’t feel like a home. It’s 4 walls and a roof. Nothing has felt like home in a long time.

He invited her over and he doesn’t even have a fucking couch.

There’s a TV and an armchair, a few cupboards, a chair, and a bed he doesn’t sleep in. Sometimes he thinks back to his childhood home, with all his mother's porcelain figurines collecting dust on the shelves and the wall of family pictures. It felt warm and cozy and like it was meant for people to live and learn and grow. It was their own.

This apartment is a box for him to stay at. Nothing here is in any way personal. But how do you make something your own when you don’t even know who you really are? When all you remember are times long gone or times you want to forget.

He snatches the sheets and pillow off the floor and throws them on his bed. He might not be able to get any more furniture in time for (Y/N) to arrive but he sure as hell doesn’t need to let her know that his nightmares don’t allow him to sleep in his own damn bed.

A knock sounds from the front door and for a second, Bucky’s blood turns cold as ice. No one ever talks about how scary it is to let people in. Would it matter to her and their friendship that his apartment is just as empty as he feels inside?

As soon as he opens the door, a fluffy bundle of white and brown fur rushes past him and runs a lap around his living room before settling by his feet, tail wagging and tongue hanging from his mouth.

“ Oh god, sorry. She’s just so excited to meet new people. “

Giving the dog a few pets, Bucky turns back to (Y/N), who gives him one of her signature sunshine smiles as she holds out a paper bag to him. The smell of delicious food reaches Bucky’s nose as he takes the bag from her and ushers her inside.

“ So, Spaghetti? “

“ Yup. And meatballs. “

Bucky nods his head in approval, “ Sounds good to me. “

She smiles at him again but there’s a kind of sadness surrounding her that he wishes he could take away. Whoever that Russell guy is, he’s a damn fool for not showing up.

“ Food’s still warm so if you tell me where your plates are … “ (Y/N) trails off as she really takes in the state of his apartment for the first time since she’s stepped inside. He can basically see the thoughts running through her head, one after the other, none sticking around long enough to form a coherent string of words to express what she’s thinking. He knows she wants to comment, can see it in her eyes. But something is holding her back and he can’t blame her. Their friendship isn’t that deep yet. You don’t ask someone you’ve just gotten friendly with why their apartment is so fucking empty. It’s sad and there are implications there that run deeper than one can see.

So to spare her any more awkward silence, Bucky speaks up again.

“ I uh — I just moved in. Haven’t gotten around to getting much furniture. We can sit by the kitchen counter or you can take the armchair and I’ll take the floor. “

“ That’s fine, we’ll make it work, “ she replies, before turning towards the kitchen cupboards, “ now … plates ?”

“ This is delicious “ Bucky exclaims as he stuffs yet another fork of Spaghetti into his mouth.

Lady, (Y/N)'s Cocker Spaniel, casually lounges on his armchair, eyes always trained on the dishes of pasta, while Bucky and (Y/N) sit on the floor, backs against the wall.

“ Right? I love Meatballs. Last time I was at Joe’s Pizzeria, I was there with Russell and he got real pretentious about not ordering Spaghetti and Meatballs from an Italian restaurant because it wasn’t authentic Italian cuisine. As if I care. It tastes good, that’s all that matters.”

“ Well, he really does sound better with every new thing you tell me about him.”

(Y/N) shrugs and avoids eye contact with him. It’s strange, Bucky thinks, to see her this way. All of her bubbly personality and contagious energy are suddenly drained from her. Like someone squeezed her too tightly and pushed all the joy out.

“ Yeah he’s an asshole, I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess whatever we had going on just felt familiar and sometimes going back to something you know, even though it’s bad for you, is easier than opening yourself to something new. “

“ Wow, my therapist would love you. That sounded so smart.”

“ It did, didn’t it?,” (Y/N) says and lets out a little chuckle. It’s nice to hear her laugh even though it doesn’t hold the radiance, the pure happiness it usually does.

“She gave me some homework.”

(Y/N) looks at Bucky between bites, raising an eyebrow in intrigue. “ She did? “

“ Mmmh. I told her about you and our friendship and she thought that, because you know a lot about me, I should learn some things about you. “

(Y/N) quickly swallows the pasta before placing both her hands over her heart and staring at Bucky with an expression he can’t entirely read. There’s a glimmer of mischief in her eyes but there’s more, he just needs to figure out what exactly it is.

“ You talk to your therapist about me? Awww. That’s how you know a friendship is worthwhile. When they mention you to their therapist, that’s when you know it’s real. “

“ Aw man, now you’re just making fun of me. I take it all back. “

“ No! No, Bucky. I think that’s very sweet and it makes me feel important,” there’s a sincerity in her eyes that makes him feel a little weird. Not a bad weird. Just — different. He didn’t think this was gonna be such a big deal to her. And while he still feels extremely self-conscious about it all, he’s a little glad that he mentioned her to Dr. Reynor. Maybe it would do both of them some good, him and (Y/N).

“ It’s nice that our new friendship matters enough for you to mention it to her. Getting stood up by Russell felt like a punch in the guts. It made me feel incredibly inadequate and like I wasn’t worth enough for him to text me let alone show up. Knowing that there’s someone who thinks about me every once in a while, that’s a nice feeling. Least my friends think I’m worth it. "

Hearing those words fall from her lips sends a wave of anger and disbelief through Bucky. (Y/N) is the first person in a long while that makes him feel like he can figure out who he is and who he was and not feel guilty about it. To think she feels inadequate or like she's not good enough is just unbelievable to him.

"Just forget about that guy, he's clearly an idiot. You deserve someone who shows up. When it matters and even when it doesn't. "

"He didn't even get to try my cookies. I worked so hard on them."

"What? Oh my god, okay see - he's a damn fool. Those cookies were - so sweet. His loss, really."

(Y/N)'s laughter echoes through the halls of his empty apartment and Bucky thinks that maybe that was one of the things missing from this place to really make it a home. Emotions. Laughter and joy. Something other than fear and regret. Something other than pain.

“ Bucky, you’re so nice but you don’t have to lie. I know the cookies weren’t all that great. “

“ No! They were good, they were just — very sweet. And you know what? You deserve a guy who eats them anyway.”

She doesn’t give him a reply to that comment and maybe it doesn’t ask for one either. Some statements don’t need answers, they just are.

“ Hey, do you want my last meatball? “ he asks, and at her smile and enthusiastic nod, he rolls it from his plate onto hers.

“ Now what movie did you bring? “

“ Oh boy, “ (Y/N) proclaims and looks at Bucky with an unwavering excitement “ you’re in for a wild ride. Tonight we’re doing a double feature.”

“ Bringing the big guns, huh? “

“ You have no idea. Tonight we’re watching Grease 1 and 2. “

Two couples stare back at Bucky from the bubblegum-colored DVD case (Y/N) pulls from her purse. Something about the bright colors and the over-the-top hairstyles makes Bucky think that these movies won’t be the absolute pinnacle of sophisticated filmmaking.

“ What’s the lesson this time?“

“ Eh, “ (Y/N) says and shrugs “ when I was younger I thought it was meant to teach you that if you want to be with someone you can overcome any obstacle. No matter how different you seem or what other people might think. Now that I’m an adult I think it’s just about the 50s aesthetic and the killer musical number. “

“ Musical numbers? “

“ Mmmh. And well, the second one is pure garbage but it’s so bad it’s good. It also helps that Michelle Pfeiffer and Maxwell Caulfield look absolutely gorgeous in this film. “

“ So this isn’t gonna help me with my romance skills then? “

(Y/N) regards him for a second, purses her lips, and taps the side of her face as she thinks about her answer. “ I mean, the second movie is basically about how cool men who ride motorcycles are. Do you ride a motorcycle? “

“ I do actually. “

“ What? Oh, you just got 10 times cooler. One could say you’re a — cool rider.”

Bucky furrows his eyebrow in confusion.

“ Don’t worry, Grumpy. You’ll get the reference later.”

“ If I’m Grumpy, which of the 7 dwarves are you? “

“ Sleepy? “

“ Dopey? “

“ No. How about Happy ?”

It’s meant to be silly, just a joke really, but Bucky can’t help but think that it fits her. Even when she’s sad, there’s an infinite positivity in her eyes, an aura of joy and happiness and being around her is just so easy.

“ You know what? I think that’s the one. “

“ I like it. Now — let me introduce you to the students of Rydell High.”

“ What in the world did you just make me watch? “ Bucky asks as the end credits to Grease 2 roll across the tv screen. Lady is snuggled up in his lap and his right hand lazily combs through her soft fur.

“ Two absolute masterpieces. “

“ In the first one they flew away in a car. And that second one, I don’t even know what to say.”

“ Because it was so good? “

“ Mmmmh no. That's not why. “

"Oh please, you can admit you l-" a big yawn interrupts her words and Bucky notices just how tired she looks right then.

"You're tired." It's not a question, more an observation.

"Mmmh Lady and I should probably head out."

He doesn't want her to leave. Disappointment, it's a feeling he knows very well, it's familiar and almost comfortable. Usually, though, that disappointment is directed towards himself. A lovely dose of self-deprecation. This time it's different. This time he's disappointed about the situation. About the prospect of being alone again. Alone in his empty box of an apartment.

The anxiety of letting someone in is slowly being overshadowed by his fear of being alone again. With his thoughts and his failures and the images of all the faces that have ever looked at him in fear.

"You can stay"

"Bucky … you don't have a couch. Where would I sleep?"

"Bed," he says as if it's the most obvious of all answers ever given.

"Grumpy, I'm not taking your bed."

"I'm not sleeping there anyway."

"Why?"

Her eyes are so soft and gentle as the question tumbles from her lips. So full of concern. For him. Concern and care, for him. It's not like he deserves it but it's a nice feeling either way.

"It's too soft."

It's painfully obvious that she knows there's more to it, that his words hold more gravity and weight than just that simple fact.

She doesn’t push it though and for that Bucky is eternally grateful. Sure, talking to her is easy and it helps him in some way or another. But this, his nightmares and his trauma and the faces that won't leave his thoughts, that haunt him as soon as he falls asleep, that's a can of worms he's not ready to open yet.

"Where do you sleep?"

"Floor."

"Oh, Grumpy. Hey uh - how about we both stay on the floor? You're in luck too because I also have a live version of Grease the musical we can watch."

He doesn't necessarily want to watch another movie where they sing pretty much every two minutes but if it means she'll stay, he'll do it. 

" Okay then."

"Okay."

That night, Bucky sleeps on the floor just like he does every night only this time there's a friend with him just a few meters away , close enough but not suffocating, and a dog resting on his chest, softly breathing gentle breaths.

That night Bucky sleeps on the floor just like he does every night only this night, there are no nightmares.

Taglist // If you want to be added or taken off just message me //:

@zaynzierulez - @je-like-you - @dracoxxyoflam​ - @jackiehollanderr​ - @majo240820 - @kay-gilles - @booksb4looksstuff - @jckie94 - 

[harryskalechips]

Illicit affairs

A/N Hellooooo! I haven’t written in a while but enjoy this little sad piece inspired by Taylor Swift! Thank you for all the love! I hope you guys are doing well! Feel free to leave a kind message in my inbox ❤️

Y/N was a new intern at Colombia records when she met Harry Styles. Their relationship takes a turn however, when they start an affair.

Tw: Cheating

Thank you @harrysleftchelseaboot for letting me participate in your writing challenge! For any writers out there who want to give it a go make sure to check it out! I would love to read some new work. 

Prompts:

“Be a good girl and spread your legs for me.”

“I’d punch you, but that would ruin that pretty little face of yours.”

“I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“Leave.”

Note: I do not condone cheating whatsoever! Please mind that this story is fictional! As much as it makes me sad to paint Harry as a cheater, it’s part of this storyline I thought of as I listened to Taylor’s album, Folklore.

Word count: 5k / Masterlist

Y/N never knew she was going to be in this type of predicament. Falling asleep every night in a man’s arms, only to wake up alone in her cold sheets at dawn. For some odd reason, his vanilla scent smothered her atmosphere every time, leaving her in a subspace-like condition. She found her thoughts easily shifting to him or feeling the need to touch him. She’s whipped but sadly also clingy. 

Does she have an excuse to feel this way? She was only 21 when she began working as an intern at this man’s record label. He was her first serious relationship and although he was married -there always seemed to be a weird tension between them.

It all started when she was assigned to follow Rob Stringer through his meetings in 2017...nonetheless she met Mr. Harry Styles. One of the members of the biggest boy band, One Direction. She knew exactly who he was, especially since he was sexualized by the media too often at an early stage of his career. She knew his first solo album was a hit and that in her job description, she had to be present at every interview he had. She also knew that the ring on his finger was a symbol of love for his wife that he married a year ago. 

Months on end, she barely spoke to him. She was shy -feeling as if her personality would bore Mr.Styles. One night however as the team went out to celebrate his last show for live on tour, he himself invited her. 

They were at a club in New York -A very private one to be exact when Harry found himself too interested in the quiet intern. To be honest, his life at home (when he was there) wasn’t what he planned for. His wife was too busy, only fighting him whenever he stepped foot inside. She barely had any more interests in his music or his life -and suddenly, it felt like two strangers living in that mansion. It wasn’t an excuse for him to keep glancing at the girl as she danced with her co-workers nor was it an excuse for him to buy her a drink. Funny enough, he always thought of himself as a hopeless romantic since he was waiting for that particular someone to love him back once again and save his marriage. But before he could stop himself, he was already walking towards the girls dancing on the floor and getting to know them.

After that night at the club, Y/N felt different towards Mr. Styles. Of course, she was still intimidated but she now knew him on a more personal level, leading her to call him Harry instead. That night as they sat in one the booth upstairs, she listened to his jokes and stories and it made her start to have a little crush on him. But hey, he was married and she would never want to ruin a relationship. 

As her days became busier at Columbia -sorting papers and running for Coffee, She always glanced at the elevator hoping Harry Styles would come out and was in need of a conversation with Rob in person. She knew he probably called her boss though the phone but her brain was rummaging for ideas why he would start appearing in her life once again. That was until one day she heard Gina and Louise in the staff room during break talking about Harry coming in tomorrow. Boy, did her heart began to beat fast. Maybe, it was manifestation but she was a bit too excited to see him again as it’s been a couple of months since she last saw him. 

~

“Y/N,” Rob calls out for her as he plays with a pen in his hand. “Meet me in the main conference room in five minutes. I need you to note down my meeting today.” He gives her a small smile and quickly walks off. She knew full well that this meeting was about Harry Styles. 

As she sat beside Rob at the long table, she realized that the whole table was filled with people from publicity and other departments. Right in front of her was the man she’s been thinking of, beside him was his manager. It’s not like she was deeply infatuated with him but she did love thinking about his pretty eyes. 

Matter of fact, as she first glanced at him, her eyes already met his. He was smiling and staying quiet as the meeting immediately began but his fingers played with his pen as he watched her. She was too focused on the shittier details of what they were discussing. He wanted to tell her so badly that she didn’t need to write some things down but he was having fun watching her bite her lip in stress. He wasn’t smooth though. Since she was already feeling his gaze burning through her. 

As the meeting went on, Harry became a bit more serious about why he came into the office. They were in the talks of his new second album and now, they had to plan publicity and tour. Some of the staff even asked how his trip to Japan was and although he was so excited to share his fantastic experiences, it was sad to mention how his wife didn’t even bother coming along. 

“Are you not going to say hi to me?” Harry teases Y/N as they’re the last ones to leave the conference room after their long meeting. She had to clean up the table while he chose to sit in his chair, pretending to do important things on his phone. When he waved bye to everyone as they left the room, he pointed at his phone, explaining he needed a few minutes to send “important emails” -he just wanted to catch up with his new friend, Y/N.

“Hi.” She tries her best to act normal and unaffected by his presence. “Sorry, I couldn’t say hi earlier. When Rob said five minutes, I didn’t know the meeting was already taking place.” Harry laughs at her apology since he wasn’t petty at all for her lack of greeting today. 

“I was just teasing. How are you?”

“I’ve been good.” She smiles back at him as she tosses the last remainder of paper cups in the bin. “I think the last time I saw you was last year. Where have you been?”

“Why did you miss me?” He raises his brow as he spins his chair a bit. He gives her a smirk as he watches her lean herself on the table. 

“Just a bit. I loved watching your interviews.” She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms against her chest. “At first I wanted to sleep through them but now I rather go through those back and forth instead of, filling random sheets out for Rob.”

“Heyy, I think I’m pretty interesting during interviews.”

“Oh no! Don’t get me wrong you are! It’s just you have such a raspy voice and you talk so slow! You can literally put me to bed anytime.”

“Am I talking slowly right now?”

“Just a bit. I haven’t seen you in a while. I kind of forgot!” She laughs. “ What else did you do other than Japan? Spent some time with your wife?” Y/N wasn’t going to lie… bringing up his wife kind of made her uncomfortable but she knew this was a good way to get to know him in a friendly way. 

Harry couldn’t help but give out a humourless scoff as he rests his head back on the chair. His eyes, however, meet her’s again. She couldn’t help but watch his adam’s apple bob up and down. 

“Marriage is hard you know. If I’m being honest with you, I haven’t spoken to her in a week. She’s been on vacation, travelling in Europe I think with her best friends.”

“She’s a model, right? She must have a lot of free time. I’m sure she can make space for you.” Harry slaps his knee in sarcastic humour as he shakes his head at Y/N’s innocent idea of who his wife truly is now. “I’m sorry. I guess it’s more complex than I thought. I haven’t really been in a relationship at least a long term one.”

“Are you free tonight?” Harry asks her out of the blue.

“Yes.” 

“Can I come over? We don’t need to do anything but I would love to hang out with you and I don’t know... forget I have all these responsibilities.”

“Sure.” What Y/N didn’t know that this night would forever change her relationship with Harry.

~

It was late in the night as Harry sat on Y/N’s couch talking to her about everything. His life, his career, his marriage. Usually, it wasn’t easy for him to open up so quickly to a stranger but for some odd feeling, his gut was telling him that he could trust this pretty girl beside him. It’s like he knew she was trustworthy and non-judgemental. 

Ever since he first noticed her during his meetings, he found himself involuntarily glancing at her. That was until he grew some balls and invited her to his after-party. Maybe, He did find her pretty and a bit too hot but even if his marriage is going through the rocks, he did not want to cheat. He didn’t want to be that type of guy. Yet during his time in Japan, he found himself thinking of what would happen if he was single right now? Would he actually make a move on her?

“What are you thinking of?” The same woman calls him out as she takes a swing of the wine bottle into her mouth. 

Yes, the found themselves enjoying Harry’s expensive red wine so now they’re passing the bottle. 

“You.” He was a bit tipsy and so was she but they were still sober enough to choose their words properly. 

“Me? Why me? Why not that hot model you call your wife.”

“She left my mind before I even met you.”

“Yet you’re still with her. Why?”

“I don’t know.” He looks at her as he takes a sip of wine. 

“Okay, so why are you thinking of me? Are you happy you have a new friend?” Her cheeks were very red at his confession but she was trying to make herself believe it was because of the alcohol. 

“I’m happy that I finally got to know the girl who sat quietly in the corner during my interviews.” He smirks at her as he watches her try to hide a smile. 

“I was intimidated by you!” 

“Why was that, love?” Y/N was not expecting him to call her that. She places the almost empty wine bottle on her coffee table and sits back in her same position as she’s wrapped in the same blanket Harry is.  

“You’re Harry Styles. Every woman is head over heels for you and Every man wants to be you.”

“Are you head over heels for me?” Harry squints his eyes as he says the first thing that comes out of his mouth. It wasn’t his intention to flirt with her but they both knew they had overpowering chemistry. The only thing holding them back is well… Harry’s marriage. 

“No.” She bluffs. He continues to look at her. “Fine, a bit but you’re married so I know how to control myself.” 

“What happens If I can’t?” his tone drops as he mumbles to himself. “I’m sorry what?” Y/N chokes as she looks at him. 

“I know I’m married fuck.” He sits up and rubs his face in frustration. “It’s just I never wanted a girl so bad after my marriage. I shouldn’t! I should be happily married but for some shit reason, I can’t get my mind off of you.”

“Harry, there’s consequences about what we’re talking about right now.” Y/N sits up as well as she watches him. Does it still count as cheating if his wife is barely in his life anymore? 

“I know. I’m sorry. I know you aren’t that type of girl. I would never disrespect you like this. I should leave.” He begins to stand up immediately. Y/N says nothing as she follows him to the front door of her apartment. 

“Thank you for coming, Harry.” She opens the door to let him out. He simply nods as he walks past her through the door. As she watches him walk down her hallway, she closes the door. How was she feeling? Well, she was trying her best to not feel regret but instead relief. She leans her body on the wooden surface, trying to make herself feel happy that nothing happened between them -Yet her heart was beating too fast for a guy she had just met.

The loud pounding on her door, however, makes her head shut up. She immediately opens it to find no one other than the curly-haired man who had just left her apartment a minute ago.

He immediately grasps her face into his hands as he kisses her eagerly, making her shut the door behind him. His body quickly pushing her’s against the wall, as his lips attack her jaw down to her neck. Her hands resting on his shoulders as she leans her head back to give him more area to leave his soft licks and kisses. 

“Shit Y/N. You’re making me go crazy.” 

“Harry.” She moans as he rubs himself against her centre. He whispers a command to her, making her jump and wrap her legs around his waist and he carries her to the first surface in his line of sight, which is her dining table. It was a dark wood wooden table that was meant only for eating purposes.

He helps her take off the sweater she was wearing as she throws it behind it her without a care. With her hand, she guides his mouth back to hers, making them both moan as this sexual tension is finally being relieved. Her nipples became hard in an instant as they felt the cold temperature. 

“Where’s your bedroom?” He pulls away as he’s unbuttoning his shirt. His mouth was open a little bit from their heated makeout and his lips were juicy pink after kissing her. He couldn’t take his eyes off her. 

“You want to fuck me right here?” Y/N blurts. She wasn’t the type to have sex with a new partner for the first time on her dining table but her room was a mess and she was a bit shy letting him in there. 

“Are you that eager baby?” A smirk plays on his lips as he tosses his shirt. “Well If you’re that needy, why won’t you take off my pants?” Y/N’s cheeks turn red as she reaches forward to unbuckle his jeans. “You know, how fucking long I’ve been jerking off with my right hand?” Harry asks as his hand runs through her soft hair, letting his thumb rub against her pink plump lips. 

“For a long time, Daddy?” She murmurs against the pad of his thumb as she lets his thumb enter her wet mouth. 

“Look at you, you’re a little devil.” Harry pushes his pants off until they reach mid-thigh. He quickly helps her out of her tights, pulling them off her almost instantly that she had to hold onto him. “Should I get a condom?” He pants as his hands involuntarily run themselves against her soft thighs.

“I’m on the pill and I’m clean.”

“I’m clean too.” He looks down at her closed legs as he pumps himself a bit. “I promise.” Y/N nods as her hands guide his body back closer towards her.

 “Be a good girl and spread your legs for me.” He whispers as he watches her show him her wet needy sex. “Fuck, you look so good right now.” He leans in to kiss her more. His mouth going south as they reach her breast. His mouth sucks on her nipple as the other grabs and rolls her the other one.

“Fuck stop teasing me. I need you.”

“Beg for me, Y/N. I know you want to.”

“Harry please!” She feels his hand directing his wet cock to her centre. Teasing her and playfully slapping her entrance. “Daddy!” His eyes immediately stop looking down as he grabs her hair, making her look at him. 

“You okay with this love? Do you like it rough?” Y/N nods her head as she stares into his eyes. 

“I need you to use your words, baby.”

“Yes, I want it rough.” 

“What did you call me earlier?” A cheeky smile forms on his face as he watches this little girl about to crumble in his hand. 

“Daddy.”

“You’re going to keep calling me that or what?”

“Only if you want me-” Harry inserts himself in her, making her choke on her sentence. 

“What do you call me?” He leans a bit further downs so their bodies rub against each other as his arm supports her back while the other hand chokes her neck. 

“Daddy! Fuck, I call you daddy!” 

“I know I’ve been deprived of some good sex but you feel so fucking tight! Do guys not know how to fuck you?”

“Only you can.” Harry pulls his hand away from her neck and instead grasps her face so she can watch their centres connecting. 

“You like that view? Is it turning you on? You’re fucking clenching me, baby!”

“Harder, daddy.” Her arm wraps around his shoulder as he pulls away and turns around, making her bend on the table.

“You want it harder baby? I’m going to fuck you so hard, you’ll never be able to sit at this table without remembering how I fucked you so good.”

~ The day after their first time sleeping with each other scared Y/N. As much as she tried to avoid letting Harry see her messy room, they ended up in there anyway. They participated in a couple more rounds and a deep conversation too until they fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms. 

What Y/N was scared of was how Harry would react when he woke up in her sheets. Of course, they weren’t too drunk last night but the alcohol did give them a confidence boost. Now it’s the day time and they have to deal with this new boundary they had just crossed. 

“Good morning.” A raspy voice speaks up as she sets her head on her hand. Her elbow putting all its pressure on her pillow while she watches the man who’s laying on his stomach smile at her.

“Hi.” She gives a soft smile back. Harry immediately notices the hickeys on her neck, making him not guilty but a bit more proud.

“I marked you.” Y/N’s eyes widen as she sits up and wraps her hands around her neck. “Why you don’t like them?” Harry fixes his position too so he can rest his back against the headrest. He rubs his eyes for a few seconds before helping her straddle his waist. “What’s wrong, Baby?”

“You’re married.” Her finger mindlessly traces one of the sparrows on his chest. 

“I know.”

“You think she’ll get mad?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think she cares.”

~ Y/N and Harry’s affair went on for months that they even reached his tour and new album reveal. Although they never said the three most important words, Y/N already knew it was there.

What she loved the most these past months with Harry was their privacy.  The secret hookups in changing rooms, the knowing glances in a room full of strangers, and their affectionate touches when they had to pass things to one another in front of her boss. 

She knows he’s married and there was no doubt, they fought about his relationship status. But Harry explained that divorces in Hollywood were more complex than for a regular couple. And while Y/N pretended to understand, she truly didn’t. She didn’t understand why he had to keep up this act of being in a happy relationship when he can simply leave his wife -not for her benefit but for his own happiness. Still, every time this fight occurred, they chose to sweep it under the rug. Maybe it was because she wasn’t ready to lose him. He had always been so persistent on his reasoning why he’s been delaying that action. She was scared that he would leave her during another fight only to run back to his wife. What she didn’t know was that she may be a bit too right, after all, he wasn’t ready to admit that his marriage was over. 

“Hi, Baby!” Y/N opens her door to find her “boyfriend” with a bouquet of flowers. 

“Hi!” She wraps her arms around him in a hug as she lets him enter her apartment that they know too well. If she had to be truly honest... despite having so much alone time with Harry, she’s never been on a date with him but you know -that’s something she had to let go when she decided to get involved with a famous married man. Yet it still didn’t stop her heart from feeling envious when she would be in the restaurant with her friends watching a random couple have dinner together.

Harry takes his hood off and hands her the flowers. “I’m sorry I couldn’t text you this past couple of days. You know that woman who lives with me.” He sighs and gives her a kiss on the lips before continuing on, “We were having lunch together and she noticed I wasn’t wearing my ring anymore so we fought.”

“So you’re wearing it.” Y/N places the flowers on the table and crosses her arms.

“I have too.”

“No, you don’t Harry. She’s only wearing her’s for show. You’ve been cheating on her for seven months!” Y/N snaps at him. She hated it when he wore his ring. It was just a real sign that maybe he was lying to her during the times, he said he was over their marriage and he was going to leave her when things become less complicated.

“Baby, hey stop yelling.” He walks towards her so he can wrap his arms around her. “I’m sorry. You know I care so much about you. Please don’t cry.”

“I can’t stand that you’re married to another woman. Please leave her Harry.” Y/N pulls away as she holds onto his shoulders, begging him. “Please.”

“I’ll try.” He breathes out.

“You’ll try?” She pulls away immediately looking at him. “What do you mean? Have you not been trying to do that these past few months!” He rubs his face in frustration. 

“It’s hard Y/N. I told you countless times.” “I know it’s hard but what’s stopping you from doing it! You told me that you don’t want to lose me but for some odd reason, it seems like you don’t want to lose her!”

“She was my first love Goddammit!” He finally yells back at her. 

And that's the thing about illicit affairs

And clandestine meetings and stolen stares

They show their truth one single time

But they lie and they lie and they lie

A million little times

 They both found themselves caught off guard as the silence screamed in their ears. How could this safe space where they spent their nights rolling in the sheets feel so… indifferent? “Harry please be 100 percent honest with me.” Y/N backs away slowly as she reaches a few feet apart from Harry. “Do you want to leave her?” 

Silence.

“You told me you did? Did you change your mind?” Her eyes widen as she watches the man in front of her absolutely speechless. “I’d punch you, but that would ruin that pretty little face of yours.” She lets out a sarcastic laugh. 

“I didn’t mean for this to happen.”  He stares at the ground with his hands in his jeans. “Of course, I want to leave her! It’s just-”

“Leave.”

“What Baby no!” He quickly looks up and tries to make his way towards her. 

“Harry, stop. What we have is over! I’m not going to let you use me until your stupid sick marriage fixes itself!”

“Y/N that wasn’t my intention I swear! You know what marriage means to me! I can’t simply-”

“Fuck what you think of marriage! You don’t want to leave her but you rather continuously hide me while you go to awards with her -While you go on fucking dates with her!”

“It’s for publicity-”

“I don’t care!” She screams. “I realized that this isn’t working out and we should stop!” The pressure in her chest was making her hyperventilate. “We should have stopped months ago!”

“Fuck I don’t want to lose you, please. You’re the only thing that’s been making me so happy.” He reaches out to take her hands but she simply pulls away.

“Harry! Listen to yourself! You’re married! I’m starting to think you have a fear of having a failed marriage like your mom and dad! But please for the love of God, don’t drag me around because I won’t let you!” Harry’s faces change into anger as he gives her a cold look.

 “Well don’t drag my parents’ marriage into this! I told you that because I trusted you not so you can use it against me!”

“That’s not what I was trying to do!” Y/N pleads. “You won’t lever her Harry! You won’t!” 

“How do you think people will react!” He gestures with his hands. “ After three years of marriage, Harry Styles is getting divorced!” He mimics a random news reporter.

“So-” “I’m not going to let myself be categorized under Hollywood’s failed marriages!” “It was already failing before you met me! Can’t you see I just want you to be happy!”

“I am happy when you’re with me!”

“Well, I’m not!”

“You don’t mean that.” Harry scoffs as he runs his hand through his hair in frustration. 

“How can I not? I’m hearing stories every day about your fights at home. This isn’t even a relationship Harry! It’s an affair! An illicit one! And I-I’m a secret!”

“I don’t want to share you with the public! They will judge us and they’re going to ruin you as they ruined me!” He rambles on. “I’ve been stalked and judged for things I didn’t know matter!” 

“I would rather go through that with you -than to watch you from far away and only have you with me when we’re here inside this apartment.” She points at the floor. 

“I can’t Y/N. I can’t let that happen and I won’t.”

“Then this is over then.” She quickly wipes her tears as she notices Harry doing the same. The yelling seemed to die down as they finally realized that this problem they tried to ignore wasn’t going anywhere.

“You know… for some reason, you taught me a lot of things.” Harry clears his throat as he wipes his wet palms on his pants. “Despite only letting you have one half of me. You somehow took over my whole mind. God, I would love to fight for you Y/N.” He looks at her as he feels tears forming in his again. “I do - I truly would.” A pause happens before he continues, “ For you, I ‘d ruin myself a million times but I would never let you do the same.” He emphasizes to her. “ I don’t want to let you go but I know I should because even if I go get that divorce, I’d still want to keep you as my secret -and that’s not what you want.” 

“I-” Y/N stops herself. She wanted to tell him that she loves him but she knew it wouldn’t help them at all. “I’ll still see you for a while. After my internship though, I’ll be gone.”

“Do you think we’ll stay in touch.”

“I don’t think we should.” She blurts it out as her eyes glance at the fresh bouquet sitting on her table. 

“Alright. I guess that’s it.” Harry sniffles a bit before walking to the door. “I’ll see you.”

“Goodbye.”

And Y/N thought she wouldn’t have to see him again after her internship. Although her heart was broken, she found herself counting the days until she can find a new job. After their unexpected ending, she no longer found herself lonely in the mornings but during the nights too. 

The days he came by the office were more difficult than she thought. She would still feel his gaze on her during their meetings but he no longer greeted her nor gave her any attention. He would walk right past her desk when he visited the office but he would act as if he never knew her in the first place - Not a glance or a wave. 

And that was fine with Y/N, at least she tried her best to think it was. Until her meeting with Rob a week before Harry’s album release. 

~

“Y/N, I would love to offer you a job here at the company. I  will give you a position in Marketing for Harry Styles.” Rob hands her a manila folder across the table. “ You know a few months ago, he spoke about your hard work and how much potential you have and he’s right. This would look great on your resume and the pay will be better here than if you were to start off at another company.” 

Days of thinking and non-stop anxiety flooded Y/N’s mind. She knew her plan was to cut all ties with the pop star but the career that had just been handed to her had so much potential. Potentiality can help her with her student loans and give her a more comfortable life. She would be stupid if she passed the offer because of him. So with no more hesitation, she took her phone and called Rob.

“I’ll take the job offer.”

Part two here!!

[agaypanic]

Hi can i have a Malcolm in the middle request? :"))) The reader is a childhood best friend of Malcolm but was sent away to take special classes in Europe (she and Malcolm still contact each other through phone) when she came back years later (highschool year) she and Malcolm saw each other again but Malcolm seemed a little diff ( since he was dating Nikki) and that reader is sad bc she cares a lot for him (and Malcolm doesnt realized how stupid he is) . But then she was able to express what she truly feels for him ( when something unexpected happened) to Malcolm and Malcolm will gonna realize things and will also express his feelings to reader ( sorry for my english :")) )

Ignored (Malcolm Wilkerson X Reader)

Masterlist

Request Something!

Summary: Y/n and Malcolm finally see each other after years apart, but Malcolm starts blowing her off for someone else. She learns more about his forbidden girlfriend Nikki, his strange behavior, and her own feelings.

A/N: Thank you so much for requesting, I hope you like it :)

***

“I can’t wait for you to come back!” Malcolm said into the phone as he walked around the kitchen. “Stevie can’t wait to see you again. He can’t stop talking about it.”

Y/n laughed from her end as she taped shut another box.

“I’m excited to see Stevie again, too. God, I can’t wait to see you again, Mal.” Y/n sat on her bed, looking at her close to bare room. “Can’t remember the last time I saw you.”

“Two years, one month, twelve days. But who’s counting?”

Y/n picked at her nails. It had been a long time since she saw her best friend.

“It won’t be weird, right? I mean, it has been a long time.”

“Don’t worry, N/n. It’ll feel like nothing has changed.”

The conversation kept replaying in Y/n’s head as she walked to Malcolm’s house. Despite not being in the states for years, she still remembers the way to his house. It helped that the Wilkerson’s yard was very unwatered, and the house was a bit damaged from years of antics from the Wilkerson boys.

She knows she really has nothing to worry about. But that doesn’t stop her heart from beating out of her chest as she walks up to the front door, stepping over litter. Y/n took in a deep breath before knocking on the door.

It took less than a minute for her to hear someone run up to the door. It opened.

“Y/n!” The boy brought her into a hug.

“Hey, Reese!” The two went inside and into the living room. She was greeted by Hal and Lois with quick hugs and Dewey gave her an enthusiastic wave before going back to watching TV.

“So where’s Malcolm?” Y/n asked. She loved the whole Wilkerson family, but she was looking forward to seeing her best friend the most.

“Oh, he’s tutoring right now. But he should be back in an hour.” Lois responded with a tight-lipped smile. “You’re staying for dinner, right?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Great! We’ll set an extra place at the table then.”

***

Malcolm came back right before dinner was about to start and was surprised to see a girl walk down the hallway. When her face reached the light, Malcolm ran to her and scooped her up in a hug.

“Oh my God! How long have you been back?” Y/n laughed as she hugged him back.

“A few hours.”

“Why didn’t you call me?” Malcolm asked as he set her down.

“Your mom told me you were tutoring. Didn’t want to interrupt the genius while he’s at work.” The two sat down at the table with a laugh and started eating. They talked, and talked, and talked until they were the only people left at the table. Y/n and Malcolm probably wouldn’t remember what they had talked about the next morning, but it didn’t matter to them.

“Enough about me, what about you?” Y/n asked as they moved to the couch. “Tutoring can’t be the only thing you’re doing.”

Malcolm looked around warily.

“You can’t tell anyone.”

“Oh my god, did you kill someone?”

“No, no, it’s something else.” Malcolm had a small but giddy smile on his face. “I have a girlfriend.”

That shocked Y/n. Not because she was surprised Malcolm could get a girlfriend, but because she didn’t expect that to be the news. It hurt her, but she didn’t understand why.

“Oh?” That was all she could say. Malcolm nodded.

“Yeah. Her name is Nikki, I tutor her. But Mom and her dad don’t want us seeing each other anymore, so we have to keep it a secret.”

“A secret?”

“Yup.”

“I’m surprised you’re actually able to keep a secret.” Y/n laughed as Malcolm rolled his eyes.

“Of course I can keep secrets. I’ve never told anyone about the time you were dared to kiss-”

“Shut the hell up.” The two giggled when Y/n covered her friend’s mouth. “I’ll go back to Europe, I’ll leave.” She laughed even harder when she saw Malcolm’s eyes widen in horror. He swatted her hand off his mouth.

“No, no, please. I’ll stop, just don’t leave again.” Despite the jokey tone, they both knew he was completely serious.

“I won’t, Mal. As much as I love it over there, I don’t wanna leave.”

***

“I wanna leave.” Y/n groaned as she walked through the crowds of people. Malcolm pulled her through the sea of teenagers over to their friends. Despite not seeing them in years, Y/n would still consider the former Krelboynes her friends.

“Look who’s back!” Malcolm announced, gesturing to Y/n. Cynthia got to Y/n first, giving her a bone-crushing hug. After they pulled apart, Y/n gave a hug to Dabney, Lloyd, Kevin, and finally Stevie. They were talking about Y/n’s class schedule and what classes she shared with them when the girl felt a tug on her arm. She said a quick goodbye to everyone before turning to Malcolm, who pulled her through the courtyard.

“Malcolm, what are you doing? I was talking to them.”

“I want you to meet Nikki!” He pulled her to a table where a girl with blonde hair sat. She jumped up at the sight of Malcolm and pulled him into a hug. Y/n felt awkward standing next to them, as if she was invisible. But soon Nikki looked up, saw the girl, and pulled away from her boyfriend.

“Hi, you must be Y/n.” Nikki shook her hand before going back to clinging onto Malcolm. Y/n laughed, clearly uncomfortable.

“Yup! And you must be Nikki.” The three stood there in silence. Nikki was looking at Malcolm, Malcolm was looking at Y/n, and Y/n was looking for a way out of this.

Soon she found one.

“Oh, I see Cynthia! I should go to class with her, I’ll see you guys later.” She didn’t give the couple time to respond as she sped across the courtyard to Cynthia, who was about to enter the building. “Hey, Thia, can I walk with you?”

“Yeah, of course.” Cynthia linked her arm with Y/n’s and gently dragged her into the school building.

***

Y/n’s first day back in American school went better than expected. Well, if she ignored the awkward meeting she had with her best friend’s girlfriend in the morning, which she did her best to do. Y/n was hoping to see Malcolm during lunch, but that didn’t happen because he decided to have an off-campus lunch with Nikki. But that was fine, because it meant Y/n was able to spend time with her other friends.

That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt, though.

It had been two weeks since Y/n had come back from Europe. As the days went on, she saw Malcolm less and less and heard excuses more and more. Y/n kept having to hide her disappointment when her best friend brought up his girlfriend at every chance he could.

Despite what she had hoped, and what he had promised, things had changed. Y/n talked to Malcolm more in a day when she was overseas than this past week when she was a couple streets away. She hadn’t seen him in days.

In fact, no one had. Malcolm had a fight with his dad Hal and left. Hal, being very emotional, was distraught. He spent the weekend looking for his son. Today, Y/n decided to help. She knew Malcolm might not forgive her for what she was about to do, but it was necessary to her. Y/n got in Hal’s run-down car, told him about Malcolm’s relationship with Nikki, and buckled up.

That’s how she ended up in Nikki’s bedroom with Hal and Nikki’s father. The blonde was trying to tell the two men and Y/n that Malcolm wasn’t in the house. She said that she hadn’t seen him since they broke up, which apparently happened before Y/n came back home. It was obviously a lie. But before Y/n could bring that up, Malcolm interrupted her.

By falling through Nikki’s ceiling.

***

“Malcolm, I’m sorry!” Y/n followed said boy out of his now, for real this time, ex-girlfriend’s house. “I know you told me not to tell anyone. But what did you expect me to do? You were missing, nobody had seen you in days. We were worried about you.”

“That didn’t give you the right to tell my dad that I was still dating Nikki!” Malcolm turned with an angry expression.

“Yes, it did! You were missing, Malcolm! You were always with her! Sorry that I care about you and wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I was completely fine.”

“You were locked in her attic eating beans, don’t you get how weird and concerning that is?”

There was a pause. Malcolm was trying to formulate a response. Y/n didn’t let him speak, though.

“You know what? Forget it. Be mad at me. Sorry for giving a shit, it won’t happen again.” Y/n walked past Malcolm, knocking her shoulder into his. She walked home, ignoring her friend’s calls to her.

***

Y/n sniffled as she sat on her roof, looking at the street and houses in front of her. After having a very quick dinner with her family, she climbed up onto the top of her house to get away from everyone. She needed time to breathe, to think.

She was angry at Malcolm, the way he treated her. But that didn’t mean she didn’t care about him anymore. He was still her best friend.

“Oh, Jesus,” Y/n whispered in realization. Malcolm wasn’t her best friend. She thought that she felt uncomfortable meeting Nikki because it was just an awkward situation. She thought she was sad that Malcolm was becoming weird and distant because they were best friends and she missed him. She thought she outed Malcolm’s relationship to Hal because he was worried about his well-being.

And yes, all that was true. But it was also because she liked Malcolm, more than a friend would. Meeting Nikki was uncomfortable because that was his girlfriend, and Y/n deep down didn’t like that. She was sad that Nikki was taking all of Malcolm’s attention. And she outed the relationship not only because she was worried, but because she knew it wasn’t a good relationship. Nikki literally locked Malcolm in her attic after breaking up with him. Plus, she was jealous.

Y/n liked Malcolm.

“N/n?” The girl jumped at the sudden voice. She looked down on her lawn to see the boy she was thinking about.

“Mal?”

“Can I come up there?” Y/n nodded before even thinking about it. After a few minutes, Malcolm made it on the roof. He sat about a foot away from Y/n. Neither of them wanted to start the conversation.

But one of them had to.

“I’m sorry,” Malcolm murmured. Y/n gave him a glance.

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not.” Malcolm sighed, scooting closer to Y/n. She didn’t protest. “I haven’t seen you in over two years and right when you came back, I ignored you for weeks. And then I got mad at you when you were looking out for me. It was stupid.”

“You’re right, it was stupid.” Y/n nodded. “And so are you.” She laughed quietly as Malcolm frowned.

“I’m sorry.” Y/n smiled at him before bringing him into a hug.

“I forgive you.” She whispered as he hugged her tighter. They stayed in that position for a while, neither of them wanting to pull away. Y/n lifted her head from Malcolm’s shoulder to look at him. They looked at each other and Malcolm started to move closer.

That’s when it came out.

“I like you,” Y/n said suddenly, pulling her face away from Malcolm’s. He looked stunned.

“What?”

“I like you, as more than a friend. I didn’t like your relationship with Nikki. It wasn’t because I didn’t like Nikki, even though she did do some kinda questionable things. It was because you were with someone else. I was jealous that you were spending all your time with someone who wasn’t me. And if you don’t feel the same way, that’s fine, I get it. We can just be friends. But I needed you to know.”

Malcolm was quiet, processing Y/n’s words. Y/n tried moving but Malcolm kept her in his hold.

“Malcolm? Say some-”

“I like you too.” That surprised Y/n.

“Really?”

“Yeah. When I was in Nikki’s attic, the only thing I could do was think. I realized how awful I was being to you as a friend. And then I realized that I wanted to be more than friends, for a long time actually. But I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know if you wanted to be my friend anymore.”

Malcolm was going to say more, something he was very good at, but Y/n cut him off by pressing her lips to his. Their lips moved in sync. Y/n had a hand on Malcolm’s chest and one snaking into his hair, while both of his were on her waist.

After a while they stopped, their lips being the only thing that broke apart. Malcolm put his forehead to Y/n’s as they caught their breath.

“I can’t believe I just made out with my best friend on my roof.” Malcolm laughed along with Y/n.

“Well, we don’t have to be friends. If you want.” Malcolm’s thumb rubbed her side as he looked at her. There was a glint of hope in his eyes. Y/n gave Malcolm a quick peck on the lips.

“I’d like that.”

[novelconcepts]

I am not sure if you have talked about this before but how do you think after moving back to America, Dani got in touch with Judy again. And if she did, what was their first meeting like with Dani introducing Jamie?

“You’re sure about this?” Jamie leans back, hands in her pockets, gazing at the serene white house, third on its block. “Could still go around the corner and wait, if you like. Saw a little shop...”

She trails off. Dani suspects her body language speaks for itself, all locked jaw and slight tremble. 

He wouldn’t have noticed, she thinks, and the rush of hot grief is so sudden, she has to close her eyes. Jamie hesitates, leans in until her shoulder presses lightly against Dani’s, lowers her voice.

“Whatever you want, Poppins. Reckon I can play nice as a friend as well as--”

“No.” She finds she can’t look at the house directly. It’s much easier, turning her eyes to Jamie. Much easier to search her face for signs Jamie isn’t okay with this, despite what she’s been saying all afternoon. 

She finds nothing but a slight smile, a furrow of Jamie’s brow. Jamie, holding honesty at the forefront as always. Jamie, who offered her company, and has--for months--shown no sign of flagging in her promise to see this adventure through. Wherever it may take them.

Wherever.

“No,” she repeats, her voice as firm as she can make it. “I’m not here to...I’m not going to...”

Play that role again, she can’t say, but she can tell from the way Jamie nods it’s coming across. I’m not here to be Danielle, she doesn’t say, and Jamie’s hand brushes her hip in silent solidarity. 

“Whoever you need me to be. And we don’t have to stay a minute longer than you want.”

It pains her, that Jamie would put that on the table--whoever you want me to be. Jamie’s told her all about her one and only brush with what she had, once, considered real love. How she’d told that girl the very same. How she’d seen it through, as Jamie does with all undertakings she values, to the very end. She’d been who that girl needed her to be--and she’d been the same for the women who had come after, to a lesser degree. A fumble in the dark. An agreement to never bring it up again. A test. A lantern. A buried memory. 

“You,” she tells Jamie now, “are you. And I’m me. And if that’s not enough for her...”

Jamie nods again. “Lead the way, then.”

She remembers the house being bigger, somehow. Cleaner. Remembers the porch sprawling open to offer more space for rocking chairs and bunched-up bodies clutching glasses of iced tea. She remembers the lawn extending out and out, littered with discarded bicycles and baseball gear. 

She remembers Eddie, knees bent, hands pressed into the concrete behind his reclining form. Remembers the way he’d greet her outside every day of summer, the light reflecting off his crooked glasses. The way he’d smile, turn his head, shout through the screen door: “Mom! Danielle’s here!”

No one shouts for her now. Nothing but the rap of her own fist heralds her arrival. No one is looking for Danielle today, and she’s grateful, because they certainly wouldn’t find her. Not with all the weeds of memory sprung up around the girl she’d been. Not with the jungle of unease growing thick around the woman she is. 

“Oh my--”

Judy’s older. So much older than she ought to be, Dani’s absence contained within little more than a year. There are creases Dani doesn’t recognize around her mouth, silver tucked into the muted red of her hair. A year, she thinks, without a son does this to a person.

A year without a daughter.

The screen door swings open so sharply, it catches Jamie along the hip, nearly tips her off the stoop. Dani’s hand closes around her wrist, an easy reflex months in the making, though Jamie’s already shifted her balance and adjusted her expression. Not irritation, not pain--a welcoming little smile, a quiet expression that says, Not here to make a fuss. Not here to be noticed, even. 

She waits for it to spill out of Judy’s mouth--a shocked exhalation of her full name--but Judy’s arms are already around her, and her voice seems capable of no more than a swallowed sob. No one, Dani thinks, has ever hugged her the way Judy does. Her own mother couldn’t manage it.

She’s folding. She’s folding before either of them can speak a single word, her heart careening behind her sweater, and if she closes her eyes--if she lets herself press into Judy’s arms, inhale the scent of fresh coffee and clean clothes--she can almost forget...almost forget...

“Honey,” Judy breathes, “how have you been?”

How. Not where. Not how could you. One simple word, summing it all up. Dani makes a choked sound, nearly a laugh, and lets one hand swing hopelessly out to the left. 

Jamie catches it without a sound. 

Judy is stepping back as though embarrassed, smoothing down her blouse, eyes wet. “You--your mother said you were traveling.” There is remarkably little accusation in that sentence, Dani thinks. Remarkably little offense. You didn’t tell me, but she did, and it’s all right. It’s all right that you couldn’t. 

“Europe,” she says croakily. “England, mostly. Got a job--”

“You look...” Judy trails off, peering into her face, and it’s small, the recognition. Small, but there in the parting of her lips, the slackening of her jaw. Your eye, she imagines Judy breathing, what’s happened to your eye, sweetheart?

“It’s been a long time,” Dani says, a bit shakily. “Lots to--I mean, if you have the time. I don’t want to intrude.”

Judy takes another heavy step backward, into the house, gesturing emphatically. “Don’t be silly! Don’t--God, Danielle, I’ve wanted to write. Your mother said she didn’t have the address, and I didn’t want to bother you, but...”

Jamie is still holding her hand, she realizes, as Judy’s shocked gaze moves from Dani’s face (Dani’s eye, she knows, the russet brown stark against the pale pink of her cheeks) to Dani’s outstretched arm. Judy takes in this new development for a moment, silently: a solemn young woman in a black knit sweater, the cuffs of her jeans turned neatly up, her sneakers white and her fingers implacably wrapped around Dani’s. Jamie, who smiles that soft, not here to be noticed smile, and inclines her head. 

“Mrs. O’Mara.”

“Hello,” Judy says. Not the way Dani’s mother would say it, not even now--clipped and cold and waiting for explanation. She says it with such an easy air of welcome, her head tipped curiously to the side. “Judy, please.”

“Jamie,” Jamie says, and something in Dani seems to cave inward. Some great, hulking shard of terror seems to dissolve in on itself. She is Judy, and you are Jamie, and I am--I am--

Her? No. Surely not, not with Jamie’s fingers tangled, with Jamie standing just off-center on this strange stage. The whole neighborhood, she realizes, can see her: standing with shoulders hunched, holding a strange woman’s hand, staring at her not-so-mother-in-law with bruised eyes. 

The whole neighborhood can see, and she doesn’t care in the least about any of it except to say--

“Dani. I actually go by Dani these days.” 

These days, like it’s been ten years instead of one. These days, so much grief and fear and love and joy packed into twelve months, she almost can’t comprehend it. Is she really the same woman who packed her bags in secret? Is she really the one who stood as tall as she could at a funeral in a black dress she hadn’t the heart to bring when she ran?

Is she, in fact, her--lonely, beastly, incapable of peace?

Jamie’s hand flexes once, a stroke of her thumb along Dani’s knuckles bringing her home. She draws a shuddering breath. 

“It’s been a long time,” she repeats. “There are...things we could talk about. Stories. If you want. Some of them, I should have...told you a long time ago.”

Judy, looks for a moment, taken aback. Looks, for a moment, like she has been handed a script so far from the one she’s memorized, she might not make it back into the scene at all. 

“Dani,” she says, turning the syllables over in her mouth. “Of course. Dani and--and Jamie.” Her mouth trembles, just once. The name, Dani understands, is so close. Those ie sounds, running parallel. So close, and so different. 

“We don’t have to,” Dani says. “If you’re busy.” If you can’t. I understand can’t. I understand not being able to let something like this in. “I probably should have called--”

“Don’t,” Judy says thickly. Stops. Swallows hard. “Don’t be silly. I’m--I’m just about to start dinner, if you’d like to stay?”

Stay, she doesn’t add, and tell me your stories.

Stay, she doesn’t add, and let me in to this room you always kept so carefully locked.

Stay, she doesn’t add, because we need each other, just a little bit. Maybe just this one last time. 

“Both of you,” Judy adds, when Dani hesitates. There is an understanding in her eyes--and a bewilderment, too--the two warring as she gazes at their profiles standing side by side on this too-small porch. “Jamie. It’s...it’s wonderful to...”

She can’t quite finish. Dani suspects she can’t quite lie. Because maybe it is wonderful to meet Jamie--or maybe it will be--but there is something cruel about asking a mother to gaze into the eyes of a woman who might never have crossed their paths if not for a horrible accident. A sudden tragedy. A grief Judy simply cannot release. 

There is something cruel about asking Judy to look upon Jamie now, but there’s something cruel about asking Dani to carry him forever, too. About asking Dani to shelve her heart in favor of her pain. She won’t do that, not anymore, not for Judy or anyone. There’s no telling how much time she has left, and she will not sacrifice a moment of it being someone she isn’t. 

“It’s okay,” Jamie says quietly. It isn’t entirely clear which of them she’s speaking to, as her fingers tighten around Dani’s, her shoulders angled back, her mouth turned up in that tiny smile that says, This isn’t about me. Jamie, who’d be anyone Dani needs right now. Jamie, who only wants to provide company. Jamie, who knows enough of the story to understand this will not be easy--and genuinely does not mind. 

Dani can see it. She thinks Judy can, too, even as her throat works around a sob. Her eyes are wet, darting from one face to the other. Something seems to solidify in her next breath, drawn deep, let out slowly. 

“Please,” she says, gesturing again for them to follow her in. “Stay.”

“We would love to,” Dani says, and Jamie’s hand does not slide, does not twitch, does not abandon her for even a moment as, together, they step into the house.

[leafs-lover]

If he's lucky I'll let him join

Prologue: Not Enough

Series List

A/N: This is the prologue and is written from Auston’s POV. Auston mentioned in one video chat that he had a friend who plays in Europe that was staying with him during quarantine (that’s who Trevor is, but he is only briefly mentioned). This starts the day he met Katie (August 2019) and ends with the night in May 2020.

Warnings: A little fluff at the beginning, angst, swearing, drinking and smut (m + f oral, fingering, sex and complete and utter dominance by Freddie), voyeurism

Word Count: 8000

It was a hot Arizona day; you could already feel beads of sweat developing at your roots under your hat. It was barely 10am, but it was already nearing 100°F, and it was only going to get hotter. Walking in and taking off your Oakley’s it took a few seconds for your eyes to the change in lighting.

You weren’t even sure she was real at first, the way the light filtered through the large windows and kissed her skin. Her long hair tied behind her head flowing down her back, bright blue eyes staring back at you. But the thing you noticed first was her smile. God her smile was captivating.

Standing there talking to her twenty minutes after she had handed you your drink, you just kept trying to make her laugh, hoping to get a glimpse of her smile one more time. The two of you exchanged numbers and started hanging out. You didn’t even play the “Auston Matthews hockey player” card with her. She didn’t even know until one day a few weeks later you were picking her up after practicing in Phoenix and she saw the hockey sticks in the car. And even then she didn’t seem too phased by it.

You only had about 5 weeks with her before having to leave for training camp, but they were the best five weeks. She would spend her days off by your pool, her boxer Carlos swimming around. There were countless sleepovers and impromptu dates.

One day you picked her up after work and she dragged you into a vintage shop. Forcing you to try on ridiculous outfits and even finding a monocle for one of them. Blue feather boa around your neck, black top hat on your head with your arm over her shoulder while she was in a blue coloured 1950‘s dress that had a poodle skirt. It was the most ridiculous you had looked, but Katie had never looked better. She didn’t hesitate to pull your phone from your pocket and snap a few pictures, one them even ended up as your lock screen for a little bit.

She took you to her favourite spot, a two hour hike through the desert that lead to a lookout. There was rolling hills with winding roads and it overlooked Scottsdale. You also took her to your favourite sunset spot. Your roof.

You had taken a few girls up there before, your roommate Trevor used to tease you about it but it was different with Katie. The two of you stayed up there for hours, long after the sun had set and the stars had come out. You talked about anything and everything, only going inside after her third yawn in 15 minutes. Only then did you realize it was after 2am.

Leaving for the season you’d still text a few times a week, facetime and even sent flowers when her dog was sick. You wished you met her sooner; you had driven by that café every day going to the rink, why didn’t you ever stop by before? Those five weeks just went by too quick.

Everything with her seemed to be going well, and maybe at some point there could be a future for the two of you. Katie had just gotten out of a relationship a few months before meeting you and wasn’t looking for anything too serious. You remember thinking that maybe after next summer where you would have three months to spend together it could be better. Maybe she would be ready then.

Even still you carried on with the season slowly finding yourself with less time to chat. Instead of facetiming twice a week, it turned to once a week and then every other. Lying in bed awake at night you sometimes find yourself scrolling through the pictures on your phone, reliving those moments.

Meeting Y/N she instantly reminded you of Katie. Maybe it was her smile, or maybe it was her laugh. But there was warmth about her, a familiarity. You were instantly brought back to the clothing shop, and the nights on your roof. You remembered all those mornings waking up before Katie, her hair a mess wearing nothing but your t-shirt as she snored lightly beside you.

Leaving the party that night you called her, wanting to hear her voice. You stayed up probably an hour later than you should have just listening to her laugh on the other end of the phone. You even managed to find a few days where she could come down and you got Y/N out of your mind after that.

Weeks went by and you didn’t think of Y/N, even when you saw her at dinner with Fred. You quickly realized that everything you were feeling for Y/N was just lust; there was no real emotional connection with her.

Seeing her at Early Mercy you told yourself it was just the dress, Katie had a similar one she had worn when she visited. But you weren’t entirely sure you believed it. It was weird how one smirk and your hands on Y/N’s hips had brought everything rushing back. Like a dam being opened up, you found yourself once again thinking of two women.

But before you could process what you were feeling for Y/N. What was real, what was tricks your mind was playing on you, the league shut down and you were back in Scottsdale with Fred and Trev. The three of you lounging by the pool, having relaxing days with Felix, even hitting up the golf courses a few times.

Katie, being a barista, she wasn’t considered essential and you got to spend some time with her during the lockdown. It started with just a night or two together each week, and slowly you found her and Carlos over at your place more often.

Not able to take her out you ordered in a couple dinners but Fred and Trevor would be there too. Living together and all. You had said hi to Y/N a couple times while Fred Facetimed with her, but overall you didn’t talk to her a lot. Your feelings for Y/N went away as your feelings for Katie re-emerged.

You still got the idea Katie wasn’t looking for anything too serious. Sometimes lying in bed with her wrapped in your arms you thought you were the only person in her world. But then there were other moments you felt the complete opposite, just a small piece of her life.

She would leave and you wouldn’t hear from her for days. She would send you a couple texts and then it would be radio silence for hours. When she was with you she kept her phone on tight wraps, quickly reacting to alerts. She often would walk out of the room for phone calls, coming back saying he mom or sister said hi. It could be nothing, but given how you have done those exact things to women before it made you think there was something else going on.

But you really realized she still wasn’t looking for anything serious when she not so subtly hinted about threesomes. You knew she had done them in the past, mostly with one guy and another girl. But she told you about one night in college when she got drunk with her roommate and two guys.

Her and her roommate ended up hooking up a bit in front of the two guys. They sat there watching while they stripped the others clothes off and fooled around a bit. Her roommate ended up falling asleep and Katie almost kicked the guys out but changed her mind at the last minute.

She told you how she fooled around with both of them for hours. The alcohol in her blood led to her first threesome with two men and she described it as her favourite night. Not long after that she met her ex and they were together for a few years but he had no interest in anything like that so she didn’t participate in any more. Now that she was single she made it known she was very open to more. With two guys, with another girl, it didn’t seem like it mattered.

It started so slowly you didn’t even notice. She would not so subtly ask “where is Trev” when he was out getting groceries. Then she would get a little too close while offering to help him with dinner.

A week ago after a few drinks she was very obviously flirting with Fred in your kitchen. She slowly ran her fingers over his wrist asking about his watch, her body almost pressed against him. The next day she asked him to rub sunscreen on her back and pulled her hair to expose her skin but you were only 10 ft. away. Her not so discreet winks left little to the imagination and Fred noticed.

But both times he brushed her off saying he had to go call his mom even though it was the middle of the night in Denmark. And Trevor would wander away mumbling about working out. After the sunscreen incident the two of you had a major fight and you didn’t see her for almost a week.

Earlier today Trevor left to go to his parents for a week and Fred was out with some girl he had been talking to. You invited Katie over and everything seemed to be going well. She apologized for flirting with your friends, saying it wouldn’t happen again and you apologized for blowing up about it.

The two of you fell back into easy conversation. Watching as Carlos swam in the pool and Felix panicked from the safety of the concrete. He ran around the perimeter of the pool barking at Carlos, he even tried to reach out to get him and fell and you had to scoop him out. But that didn’t stop Felix from trying to “save” Carlos again; he managed to fall in the pool two more times before you all went inside.

After dinner Carlos and Felix are curled up on the couch together. Carlos seems impartial to Felix, but Felix is absolutely enamored with him, becoming his shadow for his entire visit.

Katie is up in your room on the phone with her sister who is in Michigan when you hear the front door open. Shoes are haphazardly kicked off followed by his footsteps down the hall, neither dog even lifting their heads too tired from the fun during the day.

Walking into the kitchen Fred opens the fridge quickly twisting the cap off a beer. Glancing to the stove you see it’s 1030. Sitting at the bar he tells you about his night, you weren’t expecting him until tomorrow morning. He starts ranting about some bullshit drama the girl started and how he is done with her, doesn’t want the headache.

He asks if you want to go out to a bar for a drink, saying he can use a change in scenery. Restrictions are beginning to lift in Arizona, bars and restaurants opening up with partial capacity. He doesn’t know Katie is upstairs. How could he? She arrived after he left.

You respond by telling him that it’s a Tuesday, nothing will be that busy. But you know that it’s not really alcohol he is after, there is plenty in the house. He is seeking a distraction for the night. Brushing him off he accepts your lie and sits at the island, further diving into his night.

“Someone here?” he asks pulling the beer to his lips. Katie must have dropped something, your bedroom being right above the kitchen and it echoes off the hardwood.

“Yeah Katie” you say dismissively, when you see the spark hit his eye. The wheels in his brain beginning to turn and you knew exactly the path they were heading. You two have shared women before, and your eyes got that same glimmer in them when the idea crossed your mind.

Only difference the last two were his girls, Emily and Sarah. Sarah was a random girl he had only known for a few weeks; someone Fred said there was no future and was just having fun with.

And Emily met him in Toronto. A few nights later she approached you at a different bar. When you invited her out for drinks a few weeks later with some of the guys she played dumb like she didn’t know you and Fred were friends, but you both quickly realized what she was after. He had no attachment or desire for anything further with either woman.

But up until recently you thought Katie was different. You thought there could be something, although she did just reiterate the fact she doesn’t want a relationship about 2 hours ago.

“Yeah?” he asks smugly raising an eyebrow. “Think she wants to have some fun tonight?”

Those words sting. One you knew she was already going to have fun with you. But two, you knew he was only asking because he knows she is into it. He wouldn’t ask if he genuinely thought Katie had no interest.

“I don’t know man” you sigh. Looking up you are met with his dark brown eyes eagerly waiting for you to catch on “I’ll go ask” you finally say.

Walking to your bedroom you almost considered not knocking, telling Fred she said no and ushering him out before she even knew he was there. But you also know Katie wants this, and you want her to be happy.

Slowly opening your bedroom door you see the bathroom door is closed, a flicker of light under the door frame. Sighing you sit on the bed and wait for her to come out; hoping she is in her pajama’s with her makeup off and ready for bed. Instead when that door opens you see her hair still flowing down her back. Tight dark jean short and a white tank top that your surprised can even stay buttoned up, her tits barely fitting inside. Your dick twitches at the sight, just as it had when she walked in your door earlier in the afternoon.

“Hey” she smiles walking over to you. She stops in front of your legs, hands resting on your shoulders as you get lost in her floral perfume. Leaning down her lips brush against yours, her hands tangling into your hair as she straddles you on the bed, a deep groan getting caught in her throat.

You want nothing more than to throw her onto her back and dominate her for the next few hours. Tie her up and make her scream your name time after time again. But you don’t, and she can sense your hesitation.

“What’s up” she pulls away slightly her lips moving to your jaw and neck.

“Fuck” you groan getting lost in her touch tilting your head for her. She smiles at your response and you allow her to continue for a minute before pulling back. “I gotta talk to you about something” you reluctantly whisper.

“Hmm” she doesn’t even pull back, clearly one thing on her mind.

“Fred” you choke out “he came back and had an idea…” you trail off as her teeth sink into your neck and she grinds her clothed core over your dick. “He umm” you can barely focus as she continues to pepper kisses along your neck, gently sucking on your ear lobe. “He wanted to know if you wanted a threesome” you practically whisper out the end out that sentence.

You aren’t even sure if she heard you because she doesn’t stop, grinding her hips down further. “Yeah?” she finally mumbles against your neck “what do you think about that?” You know she is only checking in with you given how you spent 40 minutes discussing her openly hitting on your friends, if you hadn’t of fought over it she probably would have accepted the offer by now.

“It’s up to you” you groan hands gently gripping the back of her thighs.

“Mhm” she muses “but do you want to?”

That question makes your stomach churn. You want to do it for Katie, for Fred even. But if you are only thinking about yourself the answer is no. Literally any other girl you would have no problem with. But the thought of Fred fucking Katie makes you nauseous.

“Yeah” you say softly and she smiles wide quickly bringing her lips to yours. The kiss is full of passion and heat, and you know her answer long before she tells you. Her tongue swipes the inside of your mouth, her breasts pressing against your chest.

“You better go get Fred then” she whispers bringing her lips back to yours.

Quickly flipping her she lands on her back with a loud squeal, a sound guaranteed to make your dick throb. Your mouth quickly attaches to her neck before dipping lower, your tongue swipes along the crescent of her breasts and you leave some open mouth kisses. You hope she pulls you down closer, not letting you leave, too caught up in the moment. That her legs wrap around your waist and she pins you on top of herself. Instead she giggles and gives your shoulders a playful push and you pull away.

She shoots you a playful wink and you saunter off, finding Fred exactly where you left him. At the island, his beer almost gone. His eyes perk up when he hears you, and he smirks when you give him a nod toward your bedroom.

Silently the two of you make your way to the bedroom and a huge part of you hopes she is waiting to tell you she changed her mind. Instead you see her sitting on the end of the bed, stripped from her clothes in nothing but a matching white lace bra and panty set.

Fred mutters a low fuck and you can see his eyes raking over body. Following the valley of her breasts down her stomach to her core that you can only assume is soaked. You swallow so hard at the sight you think she could see your Adams apple pop from your throat, or your dick throbbing in your pants.

“Hey Fred” she says breathlessly walking over to the two of you. She stops at you first and pulls you down for a kiss. You are slow and cautious while she is full of heat and need. Gripping your hands she brings them around her body to her ass, encouraging you to get a huge handful while her arms lock around your neck. She pulls you down, her back arching as her tongue dances in your mouth.

The two of you are locked in a heated kiss, you continuing to firmly squeeze her ass. Her fingers gently tangle into your locks, your hat falling to the floor. For a moment you forget Fred is there, getting lost in Katie’s touch. A slight groan gets caught in her throat and the two of you pull away gasping for air. She smirks feeling your bulging erection in your denim and brings her thumb to the side of your lip to wipe away some lip gloss smeared around your lips.

Taking two steps she walks over to Fred who without hesitation has a hand on the back of her neck. Tangling into her hair he pulls her face forward their lips crashing into the others. She moans into the kiss and he walks her backwards to the bed. Her knees hit, his hands are on her back slowly lowering her onto the mattress.

Once on the bed, his knees on either side of her he pulls back pealing his shirt off. He throws it right at you, a little extra touch. Nonetheless you throw it on the floor, quickly followed by yours. You watch her eyes light up taking in his broad shoulders and the curves of his stomach muscles. It’s not that she hasn’t seen him without a shirt by the pool but this time it’s different.

Fred has a wide grin on his face as her hands begin to wander over his body, starting on his chest before sliding around to his back. Eventually they stop, tugging on the roots of his hair and one knee bends. The two of them are locked in a staring match, eyes never faltering. His hand finds the back of her thigh and gently runs up it, cupping her ass in the process.

“You know I hear you at night” he says and a blush immediately hits her cheek and turning her head away slightly. “No need to be embarrassed it’s hot.” He ducks down his tongue tracing the valley of her breasts, the spot where your lips were mere moments ago. You wonder if he can taste you on his tongue.

“I kind of want to make those sounds come out of you first” his fingers begin to trail up the inside of her thigh and her head falls back. His thick fingers begin stroking over her clothed core and you almost see her entrance quiver at the touch as he pops his head up to look at her face. “What do you say you let me pull those filthy moans from you first, and then we let him join?”

Undoing your belt, the buckle landing on the floor captures her attention. Her bright blue eyes find yours and you desperately tried to plead with her to not let that happen. You can’t imagine having to helplessly watch. Before she has a chance to read your face his fingers press further into her clothed core and a breathy "yes" falls from her lips.

You stand there button and zipper undone but completely frozen. You can see the smirk hit his face as her eyes flutter closed as he sinks his teeth into her collarbone. Your pants slip out your grasp and end up on the floor in a pile around your ankles, staring as his fingers slip under the lace and slowly work her open.

“You should go sit Auston” his head nods to the chair in the corner. “We’ll let you know when we want you.”

You have never wanted to throw Fred against a wall until that moment, and if it wasn’t for Katie’s moan you would have. Stepping out of your jeans you walk over to the chair, a perfect angle for you see everything he does to her.

Pulling his fingers out, he lifts her hips and drags the white lace down her legs. Her hands trail down his chest, gently digging in to his hip.

“Like what you see baby” he asks unclasping her bra.

She doesn’t muster a response, instead pulling her bottom lip through her teeth and giving him a slight nod. He slowly slides his fingers inside of her scissoring her open. You see the two digits curl upward and start to slide in and out. Immediately you can tell she is soaked from the sounds coming between her legs.

His fingers slide in and out with ease, his mouth quickly finding her breast. Her breathing gets deeper and Fred continues to suck and swirl her breast in his mouth.

Her first one always takes a bit of work, but once she had one the second always quickly follows. Tonight is no different, Fred could go faster, and she likely would have gotten there by now, instead he is relishing in every moan, groaning when she grinds her hips down on his digits.

Glancing to the clock it’s been well over 15 minutes of you watching his fingers slide in and out. 15 minutes of her moaning. 15 minutes of you being painfully hard watching everything unfold. 15 minutes until her breathing switches.

You want to be mad at Fred still for making you sit in the corner like a kid on time out, but that hitch in her throat catches your attention and his. He doesn’t stop, continuing his slow but firm pace as she continues to pant his name more erratically. Her knuckles on the duvet are white from clenching it so hard, and finally you see her pussy flutter.

Even from a few feet away it is glorious to watch. Walls contracting around his fingers, white spilling around his digits, curse words tumbling off her lips. In that moment it didn’t matter she hadn’t looked to you for ages, she hadn’t muttered your name. Seeing that, knowing her veins were flooded with euphoria, nothing seems to matter to you anymore.

And once her legs stop trembling that feeling doesn’t leave. You watch Fred’s fingers increase their speed searching for her second orgasm. When this all started you were very uneasy almost nauseous but now your dick is twitching in your boxers and all you want is to watch her have another. To watch her fall apart again.

Her fingers release the handful of the duvet and find his hair firmly gripping his red roots. His thumb connects to her clit and begins to harshly press circles into it. Sensing her second orgasm is near you shifted to the edge of your seat, wanting the best view possible.

And then it happens, her second one in a matter of minutes. Her legs trembled as he fucks his fingers in and out of her. The only sound is her breathlessly moaning his name. Even though it wasn’t your name it sent a fire through you.

Just as you reach for the elastic of your boxers, Fred pulls back. You stop thinking maybe this is your moment, finally you can join. Instead he pulls his pants and boxers off in one quick motion.

Katie’s eyes go wide at the sight before her. The look you are used to seeing on woman’s faces when they first meet Fred’s cock, sometimes they still have that look on the third or fourth time. And it’s not that you are small by any means, you are very long

Fred is also long, but he is incredibly thick.

Some women are shocked when they see Fred, others are scared. But not Katie. Katie looks excited about what awaits her. She quickly flips him onto his back with a giggle and begins to adjust herself between his thighs when he calls her up whispering something in her ear.

Glancing over to you with a smirk she nods slightly at whatever he whispers in her ear. She turns and adjusts herself sitting on his chest facing you as she begins to stroke over his shaft. Your eyes are locked on her dripping cunt; you can see some of the juices that have collected slowly falling onto Fred’s chest. Katie gives Fred a few more tugs before dropping her mouth down to him.

Slowly she runs her tongue up his shaft a few times before swirling her tongue around his throbbing tip, lapping up some of the precum that has oozed out. You can feel her magnificent mouth as if it’s on you even though its feet away. “Wanted to make sure you had the best view man” Fred mumbles but you can’t see him, Katie’s body blocking his face.

With a mischievous wink she wraps her mouth around him and your eyes almost roll to the back of your head. She begins to slowly bob on him, using her hand to help with what she can’t fit. As she becomes acquainted with his size she begins to bring her mouth lower taking more and more of him in. Her deep blue eyes never leaving yours.

Fred’s hands grip her hips and he begins to moan out her name.

“Fuck man” Fred groans directing that statement to you.

“Yeah she’s unbelievable with her mouth” you chuckle. “But just wait until you bury yourself in her man, her walls are like magic.”

“Fuck, can’t wait” he groans as she has taken his entire length. His hips buck up a few times thrusting further into her mouth causing her to gag. You have never felt so jealous watching Katie choke on your friends dick while her fingernails scraped down his inner thighs, just like she had done so many times with you.

All you can imagine is how fucking good it will be with her lips are finally on you. Your throbbing dick, oozing with precum. You are almost positive the second she touches you; you will come undone but you don’t care. Instead of anger you feel excitement and quickly pull your boxers off. Her eyes go wide seeing you sitting in the chair, cock painfully hair and waiting for her.

Nodding your eyes down to your dick in a “you want this” kind of way she smiles around him. His moans have turned into groans, and his breathing getting louder and you can tell he is getting close. He mumbles in Danish to her and she just hums in response and you almost lose yourself in the moment.

You think he is about to finish and shoot ribbon after ribbon down her throat. When that happens you know it will be your window to join in while he recovers. But instead he pulls her off gently tossing her onto the bed.

She lands beside him with an “umph” on her hands and knees and Fred is quickly behind her. Spreading her cheeks apart his eyes level with her glistening slick that has collected between her legs. He dives in mouth cleaning the juices that remain on her thighs before connecting to her folds.

Her head falls back, her long hair resting low on her back. Once his mouth connects to her entrance and his tongue slowly flicks inside her eyes snap shut and her breathing deepens. Every time he presses in further her entire body jolts forward before she finally can’t support herself and falls to her elbows.

“Katie baby” you say surprised your voice doesn’t crack. “Open your eyes for me.”

A deep seeded chuckle falls from the man behind her and she whimpers in response. You can tell she is close, and the closer she gets the harder it is for her to keep her eyes open. But she tries. His nose will press in a little further and her eyes will flutter shut. He pulls back and they open wide.

“I’m gonna cum” she barely manages to whisper before her head lands on the mattress and Fred groans behind her. You bring your eyes to her core and see some of her juices spilling around his mouth, as strangled moans get caught in her throat.

“God you taste like heaven” Fred pulls back wiping his face clean of the liquid coating his beard. His index finger slowly rubs over her entrance and she shudders at the touch.

“Please” she whimpers her body jolting forward trying to have a few moments of relief.

“What do you want baby?” Fred smirks continuing to stroke over her core and she tries to squirm from his touch. For the first time in twenty minutes you feel some anger hearing him call her that. You call her baby. And he knows it.

“I need a minute” she squirms as he starts to slowly press two fingers back inside her core.

“You sure baby?” he pumps his thick digits a few more times. “I hear you with him” his fingers dipping out of your view “doesn’t sound like he gives you a minute.”

He pulls his fingers out and climbs off the bed pulling her with him by her hips. Once at the edge he bends one knee onto the bed, his tip pressing at her core. Fred looks up and gives you a wink and he guides himself in.

“Ungh” she groans as he slides inside her walls very slowly pressing his length inside her. Her mouth opens into a silent “O” her scream getting caught in her lungs. Watching her get stretched by your best friend almost makes you explode all over your chest. Your hand wraps around your length and you begin to stroke yourself, using your thumb to spread around the precum that has been oozing out.

“Fuck you’re so big-it’s too much” she groans pulling away.

“I’m not even halfway in yet” he says smugness rolling off his tongue. You shake your head and you can see the tears pricking her eyes. His hands fists her hips and he continues to guide himself in, further stretching her walls around his length and her eyes close shut.

Finally her ass hits his pelvis and he stops fully seethed in her warmth. He gives her a moment to adjust, rolling his hips slowly but not pulling back. You watch her eyes slowly flutter open, blinking back the few tears that are stinging her eyes.

With a sharp inhale she pulls forward slightly. Fred picks up on her movements and slowly pulls back before the two of them close the gap with their bodies. You continue to tug on yourself, fully engaged in the scene in front of you.

“Fuck” she hisses and Fred stops for a moment. “No don’t stop” she whimpers turning her head to look back at him.

With a dark grin he snaps his hips slowly rocking in and out of her. “You’re so fuckin tight-fuck you feel so good” his voice is low and husky, but it makes her whimper again. He pulls her back onto his cock. Harder and deeper than before. Reaching in front of her she clenches around the duvet her eyes slowly find yours.

“Freddie” she moans and your hand stops. Your blood boils at how his name sounds coming off her lips. It sounds good, too good.

Upon hearing his names Fred reaches forward to grab her by the neck pulling her up against his sweaty chest. He doesn’t tighten his hand on her neck instead using it to hold her in place as he continues to thrust in and out of her.

“Oh Freddie right there” she moans her breath ragged as his cock slides in and out of her dripping pussy. He sinks his teeth into her shoulder, but looks to you through his lashes. You think it’s your time to join; it’s been the two of them for almost an hour. Standing up the chair slides on the floor and Katie’s open at the sound. With every step you take to the bed Fred’s eyes follow you.

His hand slides down from her neck to her nipple and he pulls it through his fingers. Katie gasps while his teeth sink into the flesh on her neck. “What do you think baby” he mumbles sucking a hickey against her neck. “Think it’s his turn yet” he thrusts his hips and her head falls back against his shoulder “I thought we were still having fun.”

“Yes” she groans. Looking at her face you can immediately tell she is barely hanging on, her orgasm hovering on the edge.

“Yes what baby” he runs his tongue over the marks that he has left behind, the marks that litter her collarbone.

“We’re still having fun Fred” she groans when his teeth harshly bite her neck. Fred eyes over to the chair in the corner but you don’t move glaring into his dark brown eyes. He can’t be fucking serious you think to yourself.

It has never been like this. Neither one of you has spent more than five minutes with a woman when the other was there, always sharing equally. But every woman up until this point has made an effort for both of you.

Emily stopped giving Fred a blowjob and walked over to you to pull you to the bed. She whispered in your ear how she wanted you to shove your fingers in her while she blew your best friend. And Sarah had the two of you lying on your backs beside one another and she would spend a few minutes riding one of you before switching to the other. But Katie is different; she is making zero effort to include you, as if she doesn’t even want you there.

His entire hand cups her breast and he continues to forcefully pound into her, her entire body jerking forward with each thrust. His eyes narrow and he pushes her forward so she lands on her hands, her mouth inches from your length.

You think you’ve won, that he has caved but instead he brings a hand up connecting it to her ass. You hear the sound echo through the room, her yelp almost immediately after while the skin of her ass ripples at the contact. You move closer and he brings his hand back slapping the same spot as before, her skin immediately turning red. When her body jolts forward her nose hits your shaft and you moan loudly finally getting some contact.

He soothes over the reddening skin a few times before connecting his hand to it again. The pistoning of his dick has her body jolting forward, each thrust firm and hitting her deep. The burning of her skin makes the tears start to fall down her cheeks. Your hand reaches for her face, your thumb wiping the few tears away.

She whimpers out a soft “please” and you aren’t even sure who she is talking to.

“I’ll stop if you tell him we’re still having fun baby” he says smugly slowing his pace but still driving into her cervix every time. Your eyes snap up and are met with 2 blown pupils. “Tell him it’s not his turn yet.”

Your eyes narrow at his words and you just shake your head. Pure rage coursing through your veins and you are tempted to push him off of her as he snaps his hips once more. Grinning he connects his hand to her ass one more time.

“I mean we both know she can take it, you’ve given her worse” she whimpers at his dominance tone as he aggressively drives into her. “Such. A. Little. Slut” Each word is accompanied by a forceful thrust and he finishes the sentence with another firm slap of the ass.

“Aus” she barely manages to whimper. Her barely audible voice captures your attention and you soothingly rub your thumb over her jaw. “Please” she whimpers practically begging you to stop.

The desperation in her voice is more than you can take. You know the longer you stand there the more he will punish her. It’s agitating how his dominance over Katie keeps you frozen to the sidelines. Keeping your eyes locked on his you take a few steps backwards. There is an arrogance plastered on his face knowing he won. His hand strokes over the red marks covering her ass while he resumes his fast pace once again.

The way her brow furrowed as he hits her deep, her mouth falls open with disbelief, you find yourself bubbling with envy. Katie’s makeup is a mess, mascara running down her cheeks lipstick smeared. Beads of sweat roll down Fred chest while Katie’s moans get louder. Each of his thrusts is accompanied by a moan.

“I can’t” she whines falling further into the bed, her cheek hitting the mattress as her back arches more for him.

Hearing the pleading in her voice, her incoherent sounds, it’s normally all it takes for you to come undone. Finally you notice Fred getting sloppy in his thrusts but he keeps going sensing she is close. She begs him to finish that she can’t handle it but he gives her a couple deep thrusts causing her to squirt all over his cock.

You look away as she screams out, unable to focus. That sound and sight is something you used to relish in, but you have never been so disappointed to see it happen. Disappointed it’s not you. Disappointed she doesn’t want it to be you.

You hear him mumble in Danish behind her before his hips still having spilled in the condom. You are so agitated you can’t even think of your throbbing erection.

He pulls out and falls onto his back pulling her into his chest. They are both breathless and clammy with sweat as he gently rubs a hand over her arm. He begins talking softly in her ear, you only picking up bits and pieces. You hear him ask if she is okay, if she needs anything as he brushes his lips against her temple lightly, Katie only moaning in response.

Stalking off to the bathroom you run a cloth under the tap. Once in the bedroom you toss the towel at Fred, landing at his chest. You see the look on his face but don’t bother to wait any longer, bitterly walking to your dresser and pull out a t-shirt for Katie.

Turning around you almost walk directly into Fred’s body. Gripping your elbow he holds you in place “you okay man” he asks.

“Yeah fine” you reply harshly. Glancing around to Katie she is lying on her back, completely fucked out. A slight moan falls from her lips as you see her breathing begin to steady.

“I’m really sorry man” he turns his attention to Katie at her moan “I don’t know what happened –“ he trails off knowing he overstepped.

“I said it’s fine Fred” you refuse to meet his gaze.

“Tony come on man” he tries to reason “I’m really sorry” he is cut off by a whimper leaving Katie as she rolls onto her side.

“I gotta” you run your hand through your hair. “There’s nothing to worry about. I gotta take care of her, have a good night man.”

He releases your elbow but doesn’t move watching you walk over to Katie bending down in front of her at the side of the bed. You run your hand through her hair, brushing her hair behind her ears. Fred lingers by your dresser for a little bit watching the exchange between you too.

“Hey Kat” you smile when you catch a glimpse of her bright blue eyes.

“Hey” she mumbles groggily, eyes heavy and struggling to stay open.

“Sit up for a sec” she reluctantly obliges and you pull your shirt over her head placing a soft kiss to her forehead. When she loses her energy and falls into the bed you notice Fred has slipped out of the room.

In the shower cold water rolls down your back as you run through tonight. You run through the last 9 months at that, every interaction with Katie. You want to be mad at Fred, but you can’t.

He had no idea how you felt about her. Yes you spend time with her, but you’ve spent time like this with women back in Toronto not meaning anything. There was a girl you kept in contact with for almost two seasons, hanging out with, bringing her to games. You brought her to a team party and even flew her down to Arizona for a few days but it never evolved into anything, he would have no way of knowing Katie was different to you. He actually asked about her a few weeks back and you said you aren’t anything serious.

It wasn’t a complete lie, Katie not looking for anything serious. But you mostly said it because he was wondering why she was blatantly flirting with him. It was more of a way for you to put him at ease over that situation because he was confused by it.

You spend way too much time in there, retracing every moment with Katie. You remember the day in the vintage clothing store, sunsets on your roof or the mornings laughing in bed. You remember the couple days she spent in Toronto. You woke up at 4am to no blankets only to find her in the living room standing at your oversized window wrapped in your duvet watching the snow fall. It was the first time in almost 4 years she had seen snow.

But then you remember why she was there, in Toronto. You only invited her because of Y/N. You had an amazing couple days with Katie, but only because you couldn’t stop thinking of Y/N. Wrapping your hand around your throbbing cock, you know you have to deal with it before bed. You think of Y/N and what she is doing back in Toronto as you tug on yourself. Hand wrapped around your cock you pump it before finally feeling your sticky warmth spill out and onto your hand.

Stepping into your bedroom you see Katie’s hair barely visible under the duvet and pillows. Carlos and Felix have migrated in to the room, and are curled up around her. There is a glass of water and a bottle of Advil on her bedside table that wasn’t there before, and the clothes that once littered the floor are in the hamper.

Fred.

**

“Hey” you say walking into the kitchen after a run a few days later.

“Hey” Fred pops his head around from the stove. “Hungry?”

You nod slightly and he gets a plate ready for you while you pour some water. You and him have talked over the past few days, played some video games and basically acted as if that night didn’t happen. Neither of you broaching the topic yet and because of that there is still some tension.

“I haven’t seen Katie around the past few days” he says bringing some eggs to his mouth.

You clear your throat taking a small sip of water “yeah I haven’t talked to her since” your eyes dart around the kitchen slightly. Taking an exhale you continue “the uh morning after.”

“We should talk about that night –“

“No Fred we don’t have to-“

“Auston seriously…just….I am sorry for how everything played out. I was in a mood and took complete control. But I shouldn’t have done that” his breathing gets uneasy for a moment and he trails off “it shouldn’t have happened like that. And if you’re upset it should be at me, not at her. Katie didn’t do anything. I’m the one that -”

“Fred” you interject turning to look at him. “I’m not upset about that. Like it sucked having to sit and watch but whatever not a big deal.”

“Kay ‘cause it feels weird. Like I can tell something is bugging you.”

“It’s nothing; I just don’t think Katie and I are going to see each other anymore.” Fred immediately stops eating setting his fork down to look at you. “We just want different things” you further explain.

“What?” he asks awkwardly.

“I liked her man” you finally admit to him and you can see him take in a deep exhale his eyes going wide. “But she doesn’t want to be anything more than –“

“Wait, why the fuck did you let me sleep with her if you like her?”

“After she hit on you and teeks I didn’t talk to her for a bit. When we finally did talk she told me she didn’t see anything more than what we have. I thought I was fine with it, you know she is a great girl so I thought I could be around her, keep doing what we’re doing. But then she kissed you.. I just can’t be around her feeling like I do knowing she doesn’t want more. It’s not your fault, has nothing to do with you.”

“Okay but why did you say yes if you felt that way?”

“It was glaringly obvious she wanted to do it” you laugh. “Besides figured might as well go out with a bang.”

“I feel like a big bag of shit” Fred groans clearing both your plates.

“Seriously Fred it’s not a big deal, it’s over and time to move on” you bring your hand to his shoulder and give him a light tap “I’m sure you’ll make it up somehow.”

Throwing his head back with a slight chuckle you give him a shove towards the sliding door, heading out to the pool.