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darthsassacre · 2 years ago

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20 Questions for Fic Writers

@spyscrapper decided to let me inflict this on y'all, so blame them.

1: How many works do you have on AO3?

55, but most of them aren't exactly complete.

2: What's your total AO3 word count?

Apparently I've hit 1,015,917, which means I crossed the million mark and??? fucking when???

3: What fandoms do you write for?

I write for Star Wars and World of Warcraft mostly, but I have dabbled with Mass Effect, Star Trek, and even some Dragon Age WIPs on a back burner somewhere.

4: What are your top five fics by kudos?

This one is trickier, because a lot of my fics with higher numbers only have those numbers because of that fucking kudos bot that was running around rampant for several months a while back and it hit a lot of my KOTOR stuff, so I went in and manually counted the humans who have touched these things and left a kudos.

"Things The Crew of the Ebon Hawk Are Not Allowed To Do" is at the top with 47, which is amazing considering that it's literally just one of those rules shitfics that I crowdsourced rules on lol. I feel like this might be one I revisit at some point, though, once my KOTOR muse returns from the war.

"I don't wanna hear your absolution (hope you're ready for a revolution)" is at 38. That's a bit less surprising, but it is odd that every few months a new one appears. The fandom is really starved for Revan and gang fucking shit up in the prequels huh?

"teenagers scare the livin' shit out of me" is hilariously at 35. Hilariously bc it's legit just a High Republic Jedi sex ed class fic that I wrote while actually teaching (or rather just babysitting while the student teacher did the actual teaching) but yeah. It also started as a convo about a completely different fic so uh... bosovir's bathwater server this is y'all's fault.

"oh, should my people fall then surely I'll do the same" is at 26 kudos and just... this fandom really isn't okay huh. This started off as an angst one shot that became a two shot and oops I'm on the 7th installment of this fucking series now. I'm coming back to it for sure at some point these shits are getting therapy

"there's a line that we'll cross (and there's no return)" is at 24, which is also a bit surprising bc at times it feels like the KOTOR fandom is six people and a gizka, but hey. This one has also been tapped recently. It was shaken gently and a few words fell out, so progress.

5: Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

For the most part, yes. There are some that I don't, and honestly that's because I genuinely just... forget. Chances are I'll approve a comment (I moderate those routinely) and end up doing something else and then forget to go back and reply. I love them all though (mostly. There's one guy I beef with in the comments but it's amicable).

6: What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Oh this is a tricky one. Uh... it's probably a tie between "I am your ghost (a fallen angel)" in which I make Rising Storm worse and "I want you to lose (like I lose when I play what could have been)" which is Malak being his morose asshole self. Seeing as how both those titles are from the same song, well... yeah.

7: What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

This one might have to be "we can light up the sparks in our eyes" which was my Jedi June 2022 fic and I just adore it so much. There's some angst here, sure, but it's got a really adorable ending that was honestly an accident but I will die for that headcanon.

8: Do you get hate on fic?

On AO3, no. There was some shit on ff dot net but eh. Joke's on them, I have improvised, adapted, overcome.

9: Do you write smut?

I'm going to let Hope (@geekygirlexperience) explain this one BECAUSE IT IS ENTIRELY HER FAULT THAT THE IDIOTS IN QUESTION ARE IN MY HEAD RENT FREE legit never once and then these two idiots took up residence and here i am. they're paying rent with smut i guess

10: Do you write crossovers?

Half my brand at this point is random crossover shit. Like legit almost all my fics on ff dot net were low traffic because they were all crossovers and nobody went into those categories really. I have like... five planned right now? And a few posted. There's even a death knight Darth Vader that I have poked recently for ideas because that's still funny to me. And because Koltira and Thassarian deserve more fics.

11: Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not by a person, but those scraper apps sure get on my fucking nerves for free.

12: Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but I would love to see it happen! If anyone sees this and wants to, here's your permission. Go nuts, I wanna see how it goes! I can't read more than English yet but by god I can figure enough out to get the gist of it.

13: Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Also no, but I would also love to try at some point! Closest I've gotten was the peanut galleries offering ideas and crowdsourcing.

14: What's your all time favorite ship?

You know what, I don't actually have an all time favorite. I am a multishipper I have a whole goddamn fleet of these things. But we'll pick by fandom, yes? KOTOR is Revan/Alek/Carth and I will die on that damn hill it takes two idiots to manage the worse idiot. THR is a solid tie between the Firebrands (there's a trend here) and Kantam/Cohmac, though Reathbell is a very, very close second. WoW is Halduron/Aethas bc oops the fandom convinced me. I'm actually writing them in the near future bc the fandom has once again got me back on my disaster elves bullshit. Goddamn chris metzen just had to go and announce a quel'thalas xpac...

15: What's a WIP you want to finish but probably won't?

As much as I hate to say that any of them won't be finished, for sure any prompt month or prompt series fics that aren't already finished definitely aren't getting a completed marking. I love the prompts, but... if I can't get them done that month I never will.

16: What are your writing strengths?

I'm passing on this one lol it's too late at night and my brain too fried from this week at work and other assorted bullshit

17: What are your writing weaknesses?

See above

18: Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fics?

I rather enjoy it, it spices things up and you can learn a lot about how languages work by having to string together sentences. And sometimes it's fun to let your characters be assholes in their native languages and everyone else just has the knowledge that this was an insult but no idea who it was directed towards or what it actually was about. I'll do this with Mando'a a fair bit and then drop the translations in the notes, but try and get the general gist across in the writing.

19: First fandom you wrote for?

Star Wars. Back in 7th grade and it's on paper never to be seen by the light of the internet.

20: Favorite fic you've written?

Surprisingly, it's "To Start Again", which is a modern AU WoW fic but like 9-1-1 and Grey's Anatomy flavored (don't ask me how I came upon this idea, there may have been strong pain meds involved at the time, that was the summer I almost broke my leg on the basement stairs). This particular fic has been idling for a bit, but uh... it's actually the bulk of my NaNo this year. I'll start posting the rewritten chapters and new content in the new year once I build up a cushion.

Anyway, if you see this (and that includes you Hope if you want to as I kinda made you see this XD) consider yourself tagged. I'm horrible about remembering most URLs honestly I had to check Discord to remember Lee's URL like???

#look i finally remembered to do the damn thing #also lowkey this is the result of me wanting to word but brain having no ideas #and fuck actually linking fics i'm sorry but my brain never remembers how to do that #esp on tumblr #so uh #if you really wanna see them my username there is the same as it is here have fun

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amorremanet · 2 years ago

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For Fandom confession ask game: I think jiang cheng loved Wei wuxian in a more than brotherly or platonic way but didn't have the emotional knowledge to recognize it and that's why it hurt him so bad when Wei wuxian defected from the jiang sect and later went off lan wangji because Wei wuxian was supposed to be his person and he left him behind

Y E A H

YEAH

And this isn't even me being amatonormative about it, because it doesn't even have to be romantic or sexual to be an intensity that is beyond what is typical of siblings or best friends or sworn confidantes. I posted once about how Jiang Cheng embodies Jo March's reaction to John Brooke asking to court Meg in Little Women:

“Of course not. It would be idiotic! I knew there was mischief brewing. I felt it, and now it’s worse than I imagined. I just wish I could marry Meg myself, and keep her safe in the family.“

IF ONLY HE COULD MARRY WEI WUXIAN HIMSELF AND KEEP HIM SAFE IN THE FAMILY!!

Of course, if you are interpreting this in a romantic/sexual context, there is SO MUCH to unpack there, especially re: his resentment towards Wangji, and it is outrageous to me that it's not one of the top Jiang Cheng ships.

#i just want to add two things about this: 1. mxtx FUCKING KNEW she made them Like This; the gossiping randos in ch 1 use a term for jc&wwx’s #relationship that is apparently predominantly associated with full romo m/f childhood sweethearts than with whatever these two are supposed #to be doing (there is a post somewhere analyzing this & saying that some ppl in cn fandom were genuinely confused abt jc being wwx’s romo ex #& 2. honestly from a cultural perspective here? ‘whatever NHS has going on’ is WAY closer to Normal Brother Behavior or at least closer to #Normal Family Behavior. my reasoning goes back to wen ruohan murdering daddy nie. HEAR ME OUT: filial vengeance is A Big Deal in certain #sources. not like universally A Big Deal but it’s A Big Deal in ways that (to me personally; may be wrong) mesh really well with nmj’s whole #Thing (read: raging justice-boner) (blah blah blah fine line btwn justice & vengeance). ANYWAY: the sunshot campaign is a rebellion against #a tyrannical weirdo yes. but let’s recall that nmj’s big personal motivation is ‘wen ruohan killed my father & MUST DIE BY *MY* HAND.’#the sunshot campaign is also partially nmj giving his & nhs’s father a big offering of filial vengeance that’s more fucked up than a college #freshman in new orleans for mardi gras………except Not Fucking Really bc meng yao swoops in at the last minute & ACTUALLY kills wen ruohan. oop #(i have a whole bunch of other Feelings on that as pertains to nieyao/3zun but that’s not the point. the point is nmj is being perma-edged #abt his filial piety vengeance-boner which can fundamentally never be satisfied AND he has to feel Grateful to the guy who stole it from him #bc if a-yao HADN’T stolen it from him then nmj would have died on his knees in nightless sky. tbh the golden core transfer parallels are A+)#now nmj is a parentified sibling to nhs in a lot of ways. we can litigate how well he fills the role until the cows come home; he’s still #the closest thing nhs has to a father after nie daddy dies. & then jgy—the san-ge who also stole nmj’s kill & made it so nie daddy’s spirit #would never be Properly Avenged by his sons—goes & kills nmj. not gonna litigate the morality of that; it’s irrelevant. nhs has already had #to live with knowing that: a. his father’s soul will never be properly avenged; & b. he did exactly jackshit to help with that bc he spent #the sunshot campaign hiding away in gusu. now nmj’s spirit needs vengeance & nhs is LITERALLY the only person alive who can give him the #Exact Correct Flavor of Vengeance/Justice (which is probably a very pressing issue since nmj should’ve had tranquilization rites but became #a powerful fierce corpse regardless). TL;DR: nhs’s fraternal devotion while unhinged in its own way is not actually THAT far outside the #bounds of Normal Family Behavior if you look at the larger context. it takes him 5ever & getting mxy to revive wwx bc nhs knows his own #limits & knows that wwx can pull a lot of shit that he for various reasons cannot. but that only makes nhs patient not like THAT unhinged.#tbh the way that he drags lxc into things at the last second is (to me) The Most Unhinged thing he does. bc based on the empathy sesh with #nmj’s head? he doesn’t seem to hold lxc responsible for anything (even tho lxc’s action/lack thereof & trust/lack thereof were huge fucking #factors in why everything fell apart how it did with jgy killing nmj)—but nhs while nominally avenging nmj drags lxc into things & it may or #may not be about punishing lxc so much as making sure that jgy died in the most pain that nhs could imagine (btwn mutilating meng shi’s body #& having lxc be The Fucking One to deliver the stab that actually kills jgy? A+ well done you’ve succeeded in causing Maximim Pain huaisang)#& well that’s unhinged in his pursuit of vengeance for HIS OWN sense of betrayal more than for nmj. bc nhs overlooked the ‘kill stole for my #da-ge’s filial piety vengeance boner’ thing & LOVED jgy. welcomed jgy into his life as a new gege (probs at least a little bc jgy saved nmj)#but then san-ge betrayed that forgiveness & that love by killing da-ge so nhs wants him to feel Maximum Betrayed at the moment of his death

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deffonotsimping · 3 years ago

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hiya<3 i saw your playable reader au and i love it! i was wondering if i could request a playable reader au with itto,kazuha, and thoma where playable reader is generally a very soft spoken person and is a big cinnamon roll that everyone likes and reader is probably really well known because of how soft they are and how nice they are to children and have some great accomplishments along with being wholesome(sorry if its very descriptive!) pls dont overwork yourself to much<3

That's so cute, I love it omg

Characters: Itto + Kazuha + Thoma

-> Masterlist

content!! playable reader AU, slight spoilers for the archon quest, spoilers for Thoma's hangout event

Arataki Itto

You two are so adorable it's pathetic.

People headcanon you two to look over children together and you to softly scold him whenever he's being "mean"!

They imagine him to be extremely protective over you because how couldn't he be? You're so wholesome and everything about you screams soft

So much fanart of you two just cuddling in the warmth of each other's embrace, his face buried in your neck as he has his arms around you, not too tightly though in fears of breaking you.

They started shipping you two even though you haven't interacted in the game yet, however it is heavily implied that you know each other.

You, working as a general for the rebellion - which is a shock because? how can you be so soft and wholesome while literally working for the rebellion and fighting???? - should have met him already? right?

Well, they don't care anyway, you two are cute and that's all they need.

As for the popularity in this ship. Well. Either they ship you or they think people that ship you are just so annoyingly obsessed with making a character softer than they actually are for the sake of a ship.

WHICH IS SO WRONG BECAUSE YOU ARE CANONICALLY SOFT AND WHOLESOME!!

Kaedehara Kazuha

You're a part of the Crux! Being one of Beidou's closest acquaintances (friends? besties? best friends forever?), you're bound to have met Kazuha!

(someone request for Beidou sometime pls I love her with my whole heart - generally any female characters too btw 😡 please I'm gay and I need them ‼️)

You got introduced to the Traveler right before they got to Inazuma. After the thing with the reactivation of the vision obviously didn't work, we can see a scene of you trying to comfort Kazuha.

Half of the fandom fell in love with you right then and there. You're so soft spoken and your voice feels as though you're whispering all the time, which some people appreciate.

"Kazuha, move, it's my turn to be in love with Reader."

So. Yes, the shippers are rather jealous at both of you - they still love you though!

Anyway. Once you're featured on Kazuha's banner as a new four star people start to go crazy!!

"Must.. c6.... them....... *ends up with c5 Kazuha and c2 Reader*"

Yeah. Ouch.

You're also an amazing dps Character if teamed with Kazuha and people just take that as a sign!!

If any Zhongli or Childe mains read this you probably know how awkward it is playing with each other and how much tension there is. Yes. This applies to Kazuha mains and Reader mains.

Thoma

Soft and softer right here!

You're shown in his hangout event when him and the Traveler put clothes on the animals! Thoma said that he knew a person that was amazing at stuff like that and guess who that was! - you of course!

Ever since then people kept talking about scenarios in which the both of you just freshly met - how did that go?

Canonically, we don't know yet! However, it will be revealed in one of your voicelines once you're out as a character.

Shippers like to imagine that you two met when seeing an injured animal at different times and taking care of it without knowing of each other until one day you meet! :)

The ship is so amazing, lots of people like it and you don't have a lot of haters. (Well, people that like Thoma x Ayato usually don't necessarily enjoy ThoDer (Thoma x Reader) but there's still nothing but respect between the shippers for each other!)

oops Thoma's was shorter than the others ehe forgive me 🙏

I actually really like how this turned out? I specifically think Kazuha's hcs are the best ones in this post :))

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cellsshapedlikestars · 2 years ago

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2022 end-of-year fic review ✨

thanks so much to @vivilove-jonsa for tagging me! I’m putting this under a cut because ya girl can get wordy

1. what’s your ao3 account?

ganymede_elegy

2. how many words did you write in total in 2022?

434,360. oops

3. how many fics did you publish in 2022 // multi-chapter vs. one-shots?

8 multi-chapter (I’m counting ephemera in this because I’m lazy), 6 one-shots, 2 follow up one-shots.

4. what was your longest-fic // shortest fic?

longest: you on the run (73,410)

shortest: say anything (2,290) (possibly something from ephemera, but I’m too lazzzyyyy)

5. what was your most popular // least popular?

my most popular are always the ones I dub my “rom-coms”, and the least popular are always my darker stuff, but I also think longer fics tend to be more popular too, so because I need things to be very organized, I’ll split them up.

multi-chapters:

-most: take me out

-least: the ghost inside

one-shots:

-most: i’ve got your number

-least: red lights mean you’re leaving

(see! this tracks with rom-coms vs dark lol)

6. what fic didn't perform as well as you thought it would?

I don’t know. Because I have terrible anxiety, I always feel like the thing I’m currently writing is the least performing and then once it’s completed I go “oh! the response it got was so nice!!” no matter what it is. Like I was slightly disappointed the ghost inside didn’t do 'better' because I personally adored it and had it sitting around half written for years, but also I posted 4 chapters in 4 days for the event, and the tags are SUPER off-putting. So is the format. And the subject matter.

7. what fic performed way better than you thought it would?

i’ve got your number. It was a one-shot that did a lot better than I was expecting. But I personally love it and I’m so glad everyone else did, too.

8. what was your favorite fic you wrote in 2022?

very tough. I think help me out of the shape I’m in is the one I’m the most proud of, though half of it was written in 2021. But I’m also really proud of sketches of what was there before, if only because it’s the only thing I’ve written that wasn’t shippy (in this fandom). This question is hard because as I’ve said before, I write for me and so I have a deep fondness for everything I’ve written (with some exceptions lol)

9. what was your favorite fic that somebody else wrote in 2022?

OOF I’m so bad at this. I’ve already admitted I don’t read a ton of fic anymore, and I also get SO anxious about leaving people out or making anyone feel not included? I also just plain can’t remember because time is an illusion. So I'm choosing a bunch?? These are not the only great fics though!!

I always love me some good @thewolvescalledmehome fics, like Reach Out With Both Hands and currently enjoying On the Edge of a World so Cold

@vivilove-jonsa‘s you give me goosebumps was such a fun ride to start off the new year

Late Night by @justadram because I always love reading fics where it feels like the writer is very interested in/knows a lot about the subject

Death and the Dancer by @sibyldisobedience because I LOVE ghost/spooky stories

The Man Called Snow by annie_loves_starwarsstories just updated and reminded me that I also love historical fic

I did consume a LOT of Edissy fic this summer, but I also fell pretty quickly out of it and can no longer remember what I read & liked

10. tag your friends so they can play as well

@hilarychuff @northernladywriter @sibyldisobedience @justhereforfandomandfriends @mkstrigidae and whoever else wants to play! I’d love to see them

#jonsa #ask game #should i be embarrassed by how much ive written?#no #its 2023 #embrace the cringe

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ayamari-no-goshi · 2 years ago

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Don’t Forget to Write (5)

AO3 -> first, previous, next

Fandoms: DC (Batman comics)

Summary: From Dick’s POV. Damian happened to win a contest to illustrate a new book by an up and coming author. Being the good brother he is, Dick decided to check the book.He quickly realized he was reading a very first hand account of one of Jason’s old cases, and deciding to act like a normal person would, he decided to read some of the author’s other works. What he found shook the very foundation of what he thought was true?

Warnings: rated T - mostly for swearing and questionable mental health. Amnesia

Parings: none

Notes: originally uploaded to AO3. Cross-posted to tumblr ((I may have forgotten to post the update. Oops))

“What do you mean?” Bruce demanded of his youngest, who couldn’t meet his eyes. “What did you do?”

“Don’t… don’t touch me!” Jason hissed in abject terror, turning everyone’s attention back to him. He was backing away from Cass, who was trying to see if he was okay. His hands were finally moved from his face so smears of blood and bright, almost feverish eyes could finally be seen. Whatever was going on, Dick doubted he was completely aware of his surroundings.

Dick slowly moved forward and held out his hands, palm up, so his brother could see they were empty. “Jay? It’s alright.” Instead of being comforted, his brother tensed. Shit, he was going to bolt, and this wasn’t the place for him to try to run. There were too many dangers in the Cave. Backing off, he hoped it would at least give them time to figure out what was wrong, but it wasn’t enough. Steph shifted slightly from behind him, and it was enough to spook Jason again.

“Damnit, Jay,” he stated under his breath as he and Bruce ran after his brother. As they got close enough to try to restrain him, Jason fought back. And unlike their last scuffle, his attacks were far more certain, controlled, and trained. Not only that, but he was also attempting to aim for the parts of their armor that were the weakest. But as soon as he managed to put space between them, he tried to run again. Eventually, he managed to pin Jason on the ground as Bruce delivered a dose of sedatives.

As he started to succumb to the medication, Dick could have sworn Jason whispered, “Even you, Bruce…?” What in the world prompted that response?

Once they were certain he was out, Bruce picked up his son and carried him to the MedBay, where Steph and Cass had already begun prepping. They were hesitant to put in an IV without knowing exactly what happened, they did the basic medical checks before Bruce took a blood sample and summoned Alfred.

As he did that, Dick and Steph checked Jason for any sign of injuries. It turned out he had tried gouging the side of his face that had the more severe scarring. However, when they cleaned up the blood, the scarring wasn’t visible. Alarmed, Dick checked Jason’s hands and arms. His fingers no longer looked or felt misaligned, and just like on his face, the scars on his arms weren’t there.

“I hadn’t been imagining it,” he said more to himself than anyone else. “Something’s been healing him.”

“But what?” Steph questioned as she glanced back and forth between Jason and Bruce. “This isn’t some mystic coming back to life thing, is it?”

“Something tells me it’s not that simple,” he replied as he moved to let Bruce do his second round of checks. Glancing to his side, he saw Damian hesitantly hovering nearby. Cass was beside him with a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Dames, what happened?”

“I… hadn’t anticipated such a strong reaction.” The unease in his statement immediately set up alarm bells. Most people wouldn’t be able to catch it, but Dick had worked with Damian to know that when his mask of confidence fell, something was wrong.

Bruce noticed it too. “What did you give him?”

“It was obvious that Todd’s body would not recover even if his mind would,” Damian stated. “While I know you had made the decision not to use it, Mother assured me that a small amount of Lazarus Water would help heal him and limit any potential side effects. At first, I had only been adding a few drops to his tea as a precaution.”

“At first? Wait, is that why that water tasted so off?” If that was the case, he and Jason cleaned the fridge for no reason. That wasn’t what he needed to focus on at the moment. He could complain about doing unnecessary chores later.

Damian nodded once as he glanced at Bruce. “If you kept him here much longer, it was likely he’d try to escape. I… increased the dose to make sure he’d at least have his full capabilities if he decided to do something foolish. I had believed he would respond the same as the previous times, but he did not.”

Bruce did not immediately respond as he moved past the medical table to kneel in front of Damian, who crossed his arms and almost defiantly stared at him. “Why did you go against my wishes?” he asked, keeping his voice relatively neutral.

“Todd is important to you and to Grayson,” he explained. “The longer it takes for him to recover, the more distracted the two of you become. As you know, that increased the risk of being injured on the field…”

Dick gently ruffled Damian’s hair. “Thanks for being worried about us, but did you ever think Jason might not be okay with this?” When his brother gave him his version of a baffled expression, he continued, “Jay’s naturally wary of any type of drug, even if it’s standard medication. Finding out you added something that, while it helped heal him, could also negatively affect his mind, might not go over all that well when he finds out about it. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it in the long run,” he hastily added, “but he never had a choice in the matter.”

“Your mother may have also neglected to warn you how painful coming in contact with Lazarus Water can be,” Bruce added. Dick had to give him credit, he was trying to be patient and understanding with Damian. The kid had grown up in a cult where his grandfather’s use of the stuff was commonplace after all. “Ra’s has been bathing in the Waters for so long that I doubt he recognizes the pain anymore, but for most people, it’s excruciatingly painful.”

Damian glanced towards where Jason was resting. “I see. Perhaps I was hasty in my actions.”

While it wasn’t what most people would consider an apology, Dick knew it was Damian’s version of one. Hopefully, this would prevent any further use of Lazarus Water on family members without permission. Speaking of which, they were going to have to determine when exactly Damian reached out to Talia and determine which Pit was used. Most of the Pits were reportedly sealed, but it didn’t mean they weren’t using an old one. And if they weren’t, they would have to determine where the new one was.

“While I understand you acted out of what you thought was the best course of action for everyone involved, you still went against my instructions,” Bruce continued as sternness crept into his tone. “This experiment of yours could have unpredictable effects on your brother. We’ll discuss punishment after we finish with Jason’s medical checks.”

“I understand, Father.”

Dick felt for the kid. While Damian was doing better with understanding how ‘normal’ people worked, he still had trouble. Nothing about what he did was malicious in any way, which by itself showed his growth, but it wasn’t right for him to have given Jason something so volatile. With how little Jason received, hopefully he wouldn’t have to deal with the known side effects.

Speaking of which, could Jason feel that same fiery pain when he was drinking it in the tea? Dick hadn’t noticed anything when he sipped the contaminated water, so maybe it was concentration dependent. Or maybe Jason’s chronic pain from his injuries helped prevent him from noticing. Either way, at least his brother hopefully wouldn't have to deal with that pain any longer.

…

“Oracle, any new information?” Bruce requested over the comms.

“Just like I told you five minutes ago, I haven’t seen anything yet,” came Babs’ exasperated reply, but her voice softened as she continued, “As soon as I catch sight of him, I’ll let you know. Don’t worry, Bruce, we’ll find him.”

There was no reply.

Dick just sighed as he grappled through the city to one of the points of interest. While they weren’t entirely sure when Jason woke up from the video feed, he waited until the only one in the Cave was Tim to begin to move. Then, when Tim was distracted at his conspiracy board, he carefully grabbed his things from the Cell, with the exception of Alfred’s Tupperware. He then took one of Bruce’s secondary utility belts and a grapple from one of the work benches, managed to get himself on one of the Batcycles, and raced off before Tim had a chance to ever respond.

The security footage was amazing to watch. Dick could see his Robin training in the way he carefully moved around the Cave, and there was no hesitation as he jumped on the Batcycle. While it would still have to be confirmed, he believed Jason had recovered most, if not all, of his memories from the Lazarus Water.

But why had he left? Was it possible he was going to take on Black Mask by himself? Dick hoped not. They hadn’t told him the locations they had narrowed down for Mask’s hiding places, and they hadn’t found any evidence he had gotten into their databases. That meant he’d be going in blind. The last time Jason ran off, he got killed. They just got him back. Dick wouldn’t be able to handle it if they lost him again, and he couldn’t imagine what it would do to Bruce if that happened.

Other than when he came into the city, Babs had only caught a couple glimpses of him on the cameras, but she hadn’t gotten a clear picture of where he was going. Since they weren’t entirely certain of his destination, Bruce decided that he would stake out the three possible locations for Black Mask along with Cass and Tim while Dick, Damian, and Steph would check a few places of interest such as Jason’s current apartment. Though Steph grumbled about it, they all knew she was relieved not to be anywhere near Mask.

While Steph rushed off towards Jason’s current apartment and Damian headed towards his old home, Dick headed towards Jason’s favorite gargoyle. Even if he found Jason, he personally believed Bruce should be the one to talk to him. However, Bruce was doing what he did best and was compartmentalizing his feelings. To him, the most rational thing to do at the moment would be to capture Black Mask to keep his son safe.

As he approached the building in question, he caught sight of a figure sitting next to a gargoyle. After radioing in he found Jason and requesting that Babs put him on a private line, he slowly approached him in hopes of not scaring him off.

Jason tensed as he heard him. “What do you want, Old Man?” Bitterness and exasperation colored his voice.

“He’s not here at the moment. Can I take a message?” he gently teased.

His brother turned and stared at him for a moment. His expression flickered through several emotions before finally settling on annoyance. “Are you here to drag me back?”

“I’d rather have you come back on your own. Can I sit?”

“Suit yourself.”

Making sure he gave his brother a respectful distance, he made himself as comfortable as he could before speaking again. “How much do you remember?”

Instead of answering him, he picked at his fingers. “What did that kid give me? Poison? Drugs? Was I that much of a fuck up to you guys that the new Robin,” he stumbled a little on the title, “had to try to kill me? Is that why I was really there? To figure out how much I remembered and take me out if I proved to be a liability?”

“No! Of course not! Jason,” Dick paused a moment to see how he’d react to his actual name. When Jason glanced at him, Dick took that as a good sign, “B wanted to make sure nothing happened to you while Black Mask is on the loose.”

“The last person I trusted told me it was safe too,” he stated before he whispered. “I… I died, Dick." His fingers desperately gripped his arms as he hugged himself. "I’m not supposed to be here. I’m… I’m not supposed to be alive.”

“You… you remember?”

“Remember how the person I hoped would love me sold me to the Joker to save her own skin? Or how she smoked while she watched that monster and his crony beat me with a crowbar? Or how she tried to double cross him and spectacularly failed? Or how I… I somehow pulled myself up and tried to disarm the bomb?” His voice began to crack. “Or maybe you’re talking about when I realized I was going to die and threw myself in front of that woman in hopes maybe she’d still survive?” He hung his head.

An icy hollow sensation filled his chest as Babs made a choking sob over the comm. “Jay…” What could he say to that? For years, they had believed he’d rushed in without backup for some reason, but this was the complete opposite. He’d been betrayed by his own mother.

Realization hit him. That must have been why he acted like that when they knocked him out. He thought they were going to betray him too.

“Why did I think she’d be any different? No one wanted me, or if they did, they got bored of me after a while.” His voice had dropped to a whisper. “Willis got himself killed after turning back to crime. He said he did it to keep us off the streets, but it changed him after a while. He stayed away more, and when he was there, he didn't seem interested. Catherine had been a great mom before she became addicted. I don’t know how often she actually knew I was there. Bruce… I guess I deluded myself into thinking he cared. ‘Jason Todd: a good soldier’,” he recited bitterly. “No wonder I was replaceable.”

Oh god, he saw the memorial plaque. Dammit Bruce. “But you weren’t!”

“We both know I was just a poor replacement for you.”

“Jay… Little Wing… you were no one’s replacement. You weren’t a soldier.” Did Jason really feel like that? Or was this a possible side effect of the Lazarus Water? It was reported to enhance negative emotions, but it was hard to say just how intense those effects might be with him drinking it. So, he tried a different tactic. “Remember what we were talking about a few days ago? About how he was after he lost Robin, after he lost you. That wasn’t the anger of a general losing a soldier. That was the grief of a father losing his son.”

When there was no response, he continued. “I’m not going to excuse my behavior when I first found out about you. B’s lack of communication and the decision to pass on the role without my permission didn’t help an already tense situation. I was young and stupid and took out some of that anger on you, but you were a good kid and a great Robin. I didn’t lie when I told you I genuinely regret that I wasn’t around more. I… I was devastated when I found out.” Silence fell between them as he tried to figure out what else to say.

Jason’s head was still bowed as he finally decided to speak up. “What… what did the kid give me?” He clenched and unclenched his hands a few times. Apparently, he decided not to unpack his feelings about the previous conversation. Honestly, Dick respected that. “I felt like I was burning from the inside out…”

“Well…” No matter how he attempted to explain this, it wasn’t going to go over well. “Do you remember B’s ex?”

His brother gave him an unimpressed look. “Which one?”

“The one associated with assassins. She’s Robin’s mother.”

Realization was quickly replaced with absolute revulsion. “You mean to tell me he managed to get her to send him his grandfather’s bathwater… and he had me drink it? Oh, fuck you! It’s not funny.”

Dick couldn’t help it. He had to laugh. Up until recently, he never thought he’d have a chance like this ever again. “It’s not, but your summary was.” After a moment he added, “Don’t be too mad at Robin. He thought it was the best way to help you.”

“… I wish it would have left the scars…” Jason’s voice was almost inaudible. “I got used to them, and they were the only tie I had to the past I couldn’t remember. Now, I can’t even go back to the life I was living. It wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t bad.”

“You could always come home.”

“I don’t know if I can. It’s not… I’m not…” He ran his hands through his hair as he tried to find the words he needed. “Dick, I lived… what is it? Five, six years? On my own. You didn’t know I was here, and I certainly didn’t know all the answers I wanted were in the big house on the hill. I know it’s not anyone’s fault and that it’s irrational, I know, but it hurts that no one looked for me before this. It hurts that everything moved on without me, and I was right here the entire time.”

“But I also don’t know how I can face B now that I know,” he continued as he pulled his knees up and rested his chin on them. It made him look much younger. “He probably didn’t tell you, but we were fighting before I took off before... Anyways, it got to the point where he told me he wasn’t my dad.”

Dick knew there had been some tension between Jason and Bruce in the months leading up to his death. They’d talked a few times about it. Bruce, who preferred his partners following his lead, had a hard time accepting Jason’s burgeoning independence. It wasn’t out of hatred or malice, but a deep-seated fear his son would get hurt. Something that took over a decade for Dick to learn because, in the heat of the moment, it never came across like that. So, he listened and let his brother vent, but he didn’t realize it had gotten so bad near the end. Bruce loved Jason. It was obvious he loved Jason, but to someone who had abandonment issues, saying something like that would be devastating.

“Got benched,” if Jason noticed his discomfort, he ignored it and pressed on. “Figured it was only a matter of time before I got thrown out, so, after finding out about my mom, I decided to save him the trouble. Then I let that woman know I was Robin, and she decided I’d been a great bargaining chip.” He shook his head. “Now there are new faces I don’t recognize… And I don’t know if I’m willing to get dragged back into Batman’s war.”

His heart sank a little at his brother’s words. Dick had to remind himself that he knew it was a possibility. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. And even if you do, you can take a supporting role like Oracle does.”

His brother rolled his eyes. “You and I both know it’s impossible not to get dragged into it when you’re part of this family. And you know how I am. I don’t like feeling powerless when there’s something I might be able to do to help people. Now that I’m... I guess me again, it’ll only be a matter of time before I somehow get involved in something.” He paused. “Wait, who’s Oracle. Another new face?”

It took a moment for Dick to understand Jason’s confusion. Of course, he wouldn’t know Babs took on that role as that occurred after her death. “Nope. You actually know her.”

“Barbie?”

He had to chuckle at the surprise on Jason’s face as well as his use of his old nickname for Babs. “Yeah. She’s been doing fine and has been waiting for you to recover your memory so she can come see you. But if you want, I can hand you a comm, and you can talk to her now.”

There was a moment of consideration. “Not… not right now. There’s too much chaos to sift through, but I promise I will soon.”

Dick chuckled as Babs muttered in his ear that she’d hunt him down if he didn’t. “She’s holding you to that.” His smile fell. “What are you planning to do now?”

“I don’t know…”

“Well… I don’t recommend going back to your apartment.”

Jason snorted. “If you think I’m going to be put back in a cell again…”

“No! Of course not! I didn’t want that for you in the first place, but B’s going to insist you stay somewhere safe until we can catch Mask. He’s probably also going to want to do some tests due to the unauthorized consumption of Ra’s bathwater.”

“…You are never going to let me live that down.”

“Not in a million years.” Genuinely smiling, Dick stood and offered Jason his hand. “Come on.”

His brother’s expression turned distrustful. “So you can escort me back?”

“Is it so hard to believe I want to fly with my brother again? Now, where did you park that cycle?”

…

Alfred was waiting for them in the Cave. Until that point, he had begrudgingly agreed to keep his distance from Jason until he regained his memories. Bruce believed that since Jay had retained enough of his skills and deductive reasoning, there would be a good chance he’d make the connection between him and ‘Agent A’ and didn’t want to take that risk if Jason never recovered. It was the only reason Damian had been allowed to take Jason the tea trays. Now that it was clear Jason remembered, he wanted to be there to greet him.

“Master Jason, it’s good to see you.”

Jason gave him a shaky smile. “Hey, Alfie. Did you get your Tupperware?”

“I did. Thank you for cleaning it for me.” He moved forward so he stood in front of Jason and gently touched his shoulder. “Let me take a good look at you.” After taking in his appearance, he nodded approvingly. “You’ve turned into such a fine young man without us.”

Without saying anything, Jason hugged the older man. Alfred seemed surprised by the sudden display of emotion but returned the hug. Both of their eyes seemed a little wet, but Dick wasn’t going to call either of them out on it. He was going to pester his brother for a hug of his own later, when Jason was less conflicted.

His living situation was something they’d have to revisit later. Bruce was going to do everything in his power to try to keep him at the Manor, but Jason had lived on his own for years without overt influence from their family. He might not be able to tolerate being back under Bruce’s thumb, especially if he decided to go back into the field.

What name would Jason even take if he decided to go back? Did he have names picked out when he was still Robin? Wait, they didn’t even know how he felt about Tim, Steph, and Damian all using the name after his death. That might be something they need to unpack with him sooner than later. He’d died in the role and wouldn’t necessarily understand why there had been other Robins. Tim or Steph might have mentioned why in passing, but he needed to confirm it. No matter how much Jason did or didn’t know, there was no way he was going to let Bruce give that explanation, not after the debacle with the memorial plaque.

Speaking of which, he still needed to take that thing down. And yell at Bruce about it.

…

After a basic physical and a blood test, Alfred went to go get some refreshments while Dick waited in a nervous silence with his brother for the others. As much as he wanted to chat Jason’s ear off, it was probably too much too soon. All of them, well, probably all of them, had dealt with memory loss to some extent at one point or another. But unlike the others, Jason’s missing memories involved his death. How was anyone supposed to unpack that?

Wait, there was a way they could speak without words! After changing into civies, he jogged over to the training area, grabbed some equipment, headed back towards his brother, and offered them to him. When Jason gave him a baffled look, he just smiled and gestured towards the training mats. His brother didn’t move, somewhat unsure if Dick was serious.

So, to show he was, he threw a padded glove at his head. Chuckling at the offended expression on Jason’s face as he scrambled to his feet, Dick threw the rest of the gear at him before retreating to the training area to wait. Their fight began as Jason made it to the mat and threw a left haymaker.

He was rusty, and it didn’t help he seemed awkward in his own body. If Dick had to guess, there was probably a disconnect between how he remembered he should move as Robin and how he had to move from his injuries. Not only had he gained a surprising amount of height, but he was also still dealing with the aftermath of muscle atrophy which made his movements somewhat jerky. But that was okay. This was just supposed to be an outlet.

There was anger and desperation in his movements. And pain, so much pain and loneliness. As they continued, some of those negative emotions began to fade in intensity as Jason started enjoying himself.

By the time the others returned from staking out Black Mask’s hideouts and patrols, Dick and Jason had finished their match and were having Alfred patch them up. They mostly just had forming bruises, but both of them had gotten a couple good hits on the other. The butler at least pretended to be disappointed in their actions as Bruce headed over towards them.

Any word he was going to say died on his lips when he realized Dick wasn’t wearing his costume. After taking in the fresh injuries, he looked back and forth between his two sons with a raised eyebrow in what was his own version of bafflement.

“Why are you surprised?” Jason questioned as Alfred finished putting butterfly sutures on the cut above his eyebrow. Dick had caught him just a little too hard on that strike. “The two of us got into a fight the first time we met. It’s practically bonding at this point.”

Dick chuckled. While it wasn’t funny at the time, he had put Jason in a headlock when they first met. Why Alfred had decided to put Jason in Dick’s room instead of a guestroom while his was getting prepared would baffle him for the rest of his life. “That’s true, but you picked a fight with B too when you first met.”

“In my defense, I was jacking tires off the Batmobile and did not want to end up in Juvie or the foster care system.” Jay smirked. “What’s your excuse? I was sleeping when you pulled that bullshit.”

“Look, patrol was rough that night, and I wasn’t expecting to find anyone in my bed.”

“Maybe if you had actually told someone you were coming home that night…”

“What? And ruin the surprise when I showed up for breakfast?”

Giggles interrupted their banter. Glancing towards their audience standing behind Bruce, he noticed Steph obviously giving Tim a shit-eating grin, even if it was hidden under her mask. Oh, hadn’t she hit him with a brick on their first meeting? Now that he thought about it, Tim was the odd man out. He hadn’t tried attacking anyone in their family when he met them.

Using the momentary distraction, Damian moved to Jason’s side. “I take it your facilities are completely functional again.”

Instead of immediately responding, their brother opened and closed his hands a few times. “I think so, but do me a favor, even if I’m on death’s door, don’t ever give me that stuff again.”

“Understood. It had not been my intention to cause such distress.”

Jay hesitantly reached out and ruffled Damian’s hair. “Don’t beat yourself up about it. I just need time to get used to and sort through everything. Too much happened at once.” While Damian did pull away, there was a slight smile on his face.

“Jason…?” Bruce had raised a hand as if he wanted to reach out but stopped halfway. Disbelief and a wary hope made their way into his voice.

“If I say ‘yes’, are you going to lock me away again?”

“No!” As he pulled off the cowl, Bruce finally moved close enough to Jason to touch him. Carefully, he cradled his face in his hands. “No. Jay, Lad… I… We just found you again. I couldn’t risk… Not again. I didn't... I didn't know how else to keep you here, to keep you safe.”

After gently moving Bruce’s hands, Jason slowly stood and hugged Bruce. There was a moment of stunned disbelief before Bruce returned it. "Don't think I'm happy with you. Cuffs, Bruce. What the fuck?" Jason told him as his voice softened. "But it's me. I'm really here, Bruce."

Deciding they probably didn’t need an audience, Dick started rounding up his siblings and herding them towards the changing rooms. While there was some grumbling, especially from Tim, Dick reminded them there would be plenty of time for proper introductions in the morning. For now, father and son needed some time to reconnect without an audience.

As he made sure none of them would attempt to sneak back over, the fact Jason was really home finally hit him. This wasn’t some specter or hallucination or a man with no memory of himself. It was really Jason. He wouldn’t have to watch his words or watch from afar. Now, he would be able to do all the things he never thought he’d ever have a chance to do with his first brother.

If Jason hadn’t been writing his old cases, if Damian hadn’t won that art contest, they never would have found him. As much as he tried not to use the word, it really felt like a miracle.

“What do you mean you still haven’t caught Black Mask?” Jason’s offended voice interrupted Dick’s thoughts. “Seriously Old Man, what have you been doing out there? Are you losing your touch?”

Sighing, Dick shook his head. Some things never change.

=========================

Did I intend to write a parallel to “et tu, Brute” in this. No. Did I cackle when I realized it? Absolutely

We are ignoring the idea of Ric Grayson in this house

In Death in the Family, it’s explicitly stated Babs got shot 1 month before the events of the arc start. It’s usually depicted as happening after DitH in later renditions.

In RHatO (Rebirth run), it was shown Jason was staying in Dick’s room as his was getting prepared. And that’s how Dick found out about him – he went to go sleep in his bed, found an unknown kid, and put him in a headlock. While I do prefer the idea Dick and Jason had a decent relationship, it’s too funny for me not to reference.

Regarding the Lazarus water... the idea for the small amounts actually comes from an episode of Batman: Beyond. Now, I could be misremembering, but I'm mostly certain there was a holiday episode where it was suggested Talia had been giving Bruce small amounts of it for years with no apparent ill effects.

#don't forget to write #Writer AU #fanfiction #fanfic #Dc comics #Bruce Wayne #Batman #Jason Todd #Red Hood #Dick Grayson #Nightwing

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fandom-imagines · 5 years ago

Text

Thank you

Fandom: Death Note

Pairing: L X Reader

Warnings: Emotional and physical abuse.

Words: 3k

A/N: I’m in a death note phase again. I wrote this instead of doing my essay oops.

Being the girlfriend of a worldwide, secret detective was hard.

Relationships were hard enough as it is but having to make sure both the partners names were kept hidden made it even harder. Then there’s the constant travelling that takes place along with many other things.

Basically, the relationship between L Lawliet and Y/N Y/S/N was a complicated one. Don’t get me wrong, they were both madly in love with the other, but that didn’t make it any less hard.

“Y/N!” A high-pitched voice sounded from behind the aforementioned couple.

That’s Misa, Y/N’s best friend and often co-worker. The two met at a photoshoot where they became fast friends, the pair being able to work together due to their celebrity status.

“Hi, Misa.” A soft smile crawled onto the Y/H/C-haired girls’ lips.

She usually loved seeing Misa, but today all she wanted was to go back to her house and chill, maybe with Lawliet, maybe not. Who knows? Not her.

“Hi, Ryuzaki.” Misa greeted her best friends’ boyfriend, albeit unknowingly, before grasping her small hand around Y/N’s arm. “Bye, Ryuzaki!” Were her final words as she dragged Y/N away, unaware that she was desperately mouthing “sorry” towards her boyfriend.

“Light won’t even take me on a date, Y/N/N!” Misa whined, still talking about her ‘boyfriend’, “Isn’t that so unfair?”

“Very.” Y/N mumbled, turning the page on her magazine which lay in front of her.

She was currently lying across Misa’s bed, the pink sheets creasing beneath her. The girl’s legs were crossed in the air, the entire weight of her body being placed solely on her stomach. The magazine she was reading was something she had bought on the way back to Misa’s, hoping to share opinions on outfits or gossip about latest celebrities, something that the pair had done since they met.

“Are you even listening, Y/N/N?” The blonde continued to whine upon realizing that her friend was no longer listening to her boy drama.

“Sorry, just deep in thought.” Y/N’s words weren’t necessarily a lie, she was deep in thought just not about something she wished to share.

Misa didn’t know about Lawliet and Y/N’s relationship, nobody did. That was how they liked it. No one could intervene, no drama or anything of the sort. Just the two of them, happy, together.

Oh how she longed to be with him right now. The two of them together, even if they were just sitting in HQ together whilst working on the Kira case that they had been working on for months now. That was how they had met: the Kira case.

Y/N knew of his involvement, her father worked as a detective, similar to Lights. That was how she joined the investigation despite being a student. Both her father and close friend, Light, recommended her.

However, that friendship was slowly fading as she found out more and more evidence that made her suspect Light of being Kira. She’s smart, very smart, that’s why she got along with both geniuses. She fit in well with the two. But the more she investigated the case, the more she realized that Light could possibly be behind the mass murders that were causing terror across the world, especially Japan.

“Ooh! What about? Is it a boy?” Misa was now sat up on the ground, arms wrapped tightly around the yellow pillow that she was previously sitting on. Her loose blonde locks fell down her back as well as over the pillow. She looked absolutely beautiful.

How did Light not love her back?

“Shut up.” The other girl huffed, tossing a pillow from Misa’s bed into the face of the owner, giggling as Misa fell backwards onto the soft carpet before bursting into a fit of giggles herself.

“You have to tell me!” The words left Misa’s lips between giggles as she recomposed herself.

“No!”

“Yes~”

The two argued back and forth for around five minutes before giving up, and bursting into a giggle fit once again, something that was common between the pair.

“So, you like someone?” Misa wiggled her eyebrows in amusement at the fact that her best friend was finally interested in someone other than fictional characters. “Tell me everything.”

Without revealing who it was, Y/N began to tell her about her ‘crush’, despite said crush actually being her boyfriend of a few months now. Ensuring that no significant details were released which could identify the man, she told her everything. Blushing was something new to her, but neither Misa nor Y/N complained. It was a refreshing change for them both.

“Wow,” The model let out a breath she wasn’t aware that she was holding once Y/N had poured her heart out, slightly at least. “I never knew you were capable of such feelings, Y/N/N!”

“Stop teasing me~” Y/N’s hands covered her blushing face, words becoming muffled behind the skin. “This is embarrassing enough as it is,” a groan left her lips as she continued her sentence. “Besides, I doubt he even likes me back.” The final words were mumbled, self-doubt settling in as she realized that her boyfriend might not actually love her.

Logically, Y/N knew that L wouldn’t use her, or at least she hopes, and that he genuinely did value her and her opinion. He enjoyed her company and didn’t find her annoying. He really did love her, despite not having admitted it.

“Sure he does! You’re great, Y/N/N.” Misa grinned at her best friend, unknowingly providing her with a source of comfort.

“Thanks, Misa.” A sigh left the other girls lips, a sinking feeling of doubt looming over her. “I should probably get home, it’s getting late. Goodnight, Misa.”

“Goodnight, Y/N!”

Instead of heading home Y/N decided to take a late-night stroll.

The dark sky was littered with bright stars, a nice change from the usual plain nights sky in Japan. It gave an almost comforting feel to the stroller, reminding her of her childhood when she would stay up late to stare up at the midnight sky with a genuine belief that it was the world watching over her, much like the moon which was ‘following’ her everywhere she went to make sure she was safe.

It was childish, yes, but she was a child so what do you expect?

The Y/H/C-haired girl observed her breath as she exhaled. It was cold which wasn’t a huge surprise considering that it was nearing December now; winter time. Despite being extremely cold, she decided that it wasn’t time to head home just yet. Her mind wasn’t entirely clear and it wasn’t exactly in her best interest to go home with an overthinking mind, so he continued her walk.

The sound of her shoes hitting the ground was one of the only things she could hear other than the occasional passing car or truck. The streetlights lit up her view, being the only thing that did so and Y/N internally thanked whoever put them up considering she wouldn’t be able to use the torch on her phone as it had died long ago. The odd passing-by car provided her with some light also, although it wasn’t much.

It wasn’t until around 1am when she finally decided she should head home.

The house was deadly silent as she entered, but the lights were still alight, leaving the daughter of the local baker and detective confused.

“Mum?” The girls voice was slightly quiet in case she was asleep whilst still being loud enough for anyone seated downstairs to hear.

“Where have you been?!” Her mothers voice was incredibly loud, making Y/N cringe and wince. “I’ve been worried sick! How could you make your mom worry like this?”

Ah, there comes the guilt tripping. Y/N’s thoughts were awfully loud, and she cursed herself internally.

“Sorry, mom.” A frown had made its way onto her lips as she apologized.

Sure, she probably should have warned her that she was going for a walk, but there was no need to guilt trip her.

“You should be. Now go to your room!”

She simply ran upstairs.

The bags under Y/Ns’ eyes almost matched Ryuzaki’s the following day.

She hadn’t gotten any sleep that night as she replayed every bad moment with her mother sine childhood and believe me, there was a lot of them.

Her mother hadn’t been the best parent to say the least. She was never physically abusive, but the mental scars from her words and actions had taken a toll on her daughter throughout the years.

“Are you okay?” Lights words were full of concern upon noticing the girls tired composure. The way she stood further proved that she was exhausted considering how she was slumped over. Hands shaking also, Light was genuinely concerned, despite his status as Kira, something he knew that she suspected. “You look terrible, no offence.”

“I’m fine.” Her words were quiet, almost silent, too wrapped up in her own thoughts to give a completely response but she figured those words would suffice and he would hopefully leave her alone.

Whilst concerned, Light knew not to push things when someone didn’t want to talk, so he didn’t push it further, favouring to ask if she was going to the HQ later which she was.

“Ryuzaki isn’t in today,” Lights words caught her attention, finally pulling her from her trance, “he’s working on the investigation.”

“Oh,” while her response was short, the criminal still cheered internally, glad that he had stopped her worrying, even if it was for a split second.

For the entire day she was completely ‘out of it’, unable to concentrate or even form a coherent sentence and she mentally kicked herself at her so-called failure. However she was slightly grateful that there was no exam today, knowing she would have most definitely failed. She probably wouldn’t have been able to write more than three words.

Y/N’s walk to HQ was lonely as she desperately craved some human contact.

She really needed a hug.

As though in a trance, the girl scanned herself into HQ and headed towards the main room where she knew everyone would be.

“Hi, Y/N,” Matsuda’s cheerful greeting caught Ryuzaki’s attention. Well, more like the name of the person he was greeting.

Nobody could have known however, unaware of the short-lived glance he had spared towards her. This short glance told him a lot: she hadn’t slept, she was deep in thought and she felt… crap.

This worried the detective immensely. He really did care for the girl; a lot more than he would admit. Not that he didn’t want to, he just didn’t know how she would react and didn’t want to risk facing rejection.

It would hurt.

“Hi.” The response she gave Matsuda was blunt, emotionless which L wasn’t happy to hear.

She never used that tone. She was usually cheerful. It must be bad.

“You guys can go for a break. You’ve been here most of today and it’s not nearing 5pm.” L’s words matched his girlfriends tone as usual, uncaring about the relief his words had just provided the others on the case. “Except you.” His gaze was now fixated on his love, making her internally curse at herself for being so obvious about her low mood.

The raven-haired detective waited for everyone to leave, stare unmoving as he observed Y/N’s every move and she walked towards the chair opposite him.

“What is it?” Y/N’s gaze was cast towards the ground, not wanting L to see her like this. “I’m sorry.” Her words were quick, worried that he was going to say something that would simply upset her more. “I-I didn’t mean too.”

L’s cold hand gently grasped her chin, lifting her face so that they could look at each other and he cringed slightly as he saw the tear threatening to fall from her eyes.

Okay, he is now really worried.

“What’s wrong?” His words were quiet but still laced with genuine concern, along with his eyes. “You can tell me.”

“It’s nothing, really.” The words stumbled from her lips, only worrying him more. “C-can I just go today? Please.”

L simply nodded, watching as she dashed from the HQ and out of his sight.

“Why do you keep disappearing?” Y/N’s mothers voice was the first thing she heard as she walked through the door.

“Please, leave me alone.” Y/N begged, simply wishing to be alone.

She made an attempt to dash upstairs, only to be stopped by her mothers tight grip around her wrist as she spun her around to face her. A hash slap hit the younger girls face with such a force that they both knew would leave a mark the following day.

“Y-Y/N…” Upon realisation of what she had just done, her tight grip around her daughters wrist loosened, hand dropping to her side.

“Never talk to me again.” YN’s words were quiet yet laced with venom before she finally dashed up to her room, one goal in mind:

Leave.

Her movements were quick as she packed her bag, tears leaking from her eyes in both pain and sadness,

Within minutes her bag was packed, tossed over her shoulder before she ran downstairs.

“Please don’t leave.” Her mother’s plead fell on deaf ears, the only response coming from the closing of the door as she watched her daughter leave, neither of them knowing if she would ever return.

It was cold. Very cold and Y/N cursed herself for not bringing a jacket, being in a skirt and t-shirt which was the same outfit she had worn to school today.

Shivering, she began her long walk towards HQ, something she knew would take a long time.

“What happened to you?” Detective Yagami’s voice was filled with panic upon seeing the tear stains on her cheeks as well as the bright red bruising hand-mark.

Lawliet payed no attention to his remark, simply assuming that Matsuda had had a clumsy accident yet again.

“Please, can I just sit down?” Was what captured his attention, the soft and exhausted voice being one he recognised immediately.

“O-of course.” Soichiro’s words were rushed as he signalled towards the seat he had previously occupied which Y/N gratefully took.

L spun on his chair to look at the girl, breath hitching as he took in her appearance.

He caught her gaze and she had looked up after hearing the spinning of the chair and she thanked whatever gods there were that it was simply the three of them.

“Detective Yagami would you mind if we have a moment?” L’s stare was unmoving as Yagami nodded, leaving the room.

“R-Ryu…” Her voice sounded broken, eyes filled with pain and he soon noticed the bag on the ground, quickly coming to the conclusion that something had happened at home, presumably with her mother, and she had ran away.

L quickly climbed onto his feet, opening his arms which Y/N gladly ran into, breaking down into sobs. His hand placed itself on her hair, burying itself into her hair as her face buried into his chest. L was uncaring as her tears soaked through his white tee; he only cared that she was okay. They stood like that for a long time, L providing comfort she didn’t know she needed.

“Come on,” L broke the silence as his girlfriend calmed down, her breath evening out, “lets get you to a room.” He offered her a hand as she pulled away, one she took with extreme gratitude, appreciating that it must have been hard for him to give her any affection.

Their hands never parted as they climbed the stairs of the HQ, heading towards Y/N’s new room. Ryuzaki had thrown her bag over his shoulder, the heavy weight of the bag not affecting him one bit.

The room was empty, and it was clear nobody was staying there.

The noise of the bag dropping to the ground was loud, startling Y/N whilst Lawliet remained unaffected, having been the one that had caused the noise; not that it would have scared him anyway.

Y/N was led towards the made bed by the detective, sitting herself down as he wordlessly instructed before taking a seat beside her.

“I’m sorry for being such a bother.” She apologised, making L shake his head in disagreement.

“You could never be a bother, Y/N. Not to me.” His words were less monotone than usual, less devoid of feeling. There was a genuine tone coming from him. “Matsuda’s a bother, not you.” He spoke which made the shorter girl chuckle, something she felt she hadn’t done in ages, despite it having only been a day, #

“Thanks, Ryu. For everything.”

“It’s my pleasure.” His arm wrapped around her shoulder, pulling her closely towards him until her warmth was felt by him. “I-“ He paused as he began to speak, extremely aware of what he was about to say.

“What’s wrong?” Y/N asked, confused at his sudden silence.

“I love you.” His words were quiet, almost unheard had it not been for the fact that the room was deadly silent.

The pair fell into an awkward silence for a moment before L got up to leave, apologising as he did so.

“Wait,” Y/N’s hand wrapped around his own, “I love you too.”

A small smile made its way onto both of their lips, L walking back over to the girl until he was stood directly in front of her. She watched closely as he bent down, unsure of what he was about to do. The second his lips touched her forehead a huge blush flowed across her cheeks.

“R-Ryu…?” Her embarrassed voice sounded, the only response she earned from him being a small smile before he gave her a pat on the head, turning to leave.

“Thank you.” She called, making him stop in the doorway.

“Anytime, Y/N/N.” The use of the nickname only made her blush harder.

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lavenderbexlatte · 4 years ago

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plz type out the hot take essay. we love critical thinking within fandoms.

alright so. chan's personas.

i feel like he's already had a few.

2017, so predebut and over the survival show, it was the Monster Rookie. jyp's veteran trainee, hip hop prodigy, stone-cold leader who was ~sometimes~ silly but who mostly was a badass who singlehandedly put together skz and led them to debut.

yeah, no. the show wasn't a survival show, not really. they eliminated people, sure, but i would bet top fucking dollar that jype always intended to debut the group as is.

and chan didn't form the group. jype did. that's a blatant story told to make the group seem more...underdog-ish? idk. regardless. that's not how that works.

2018 was Teen Chan. bear with me on the name.

he was a rookie idol, but he was trying everything. he was on ASC for a while. he tried MCing, he tried fitting the goofy and sporty role on the team for a while. he dropped the hip-hop persona. he turned away from rap toward vocals. he was funnier, looser, more physical comedy, more awkwardness.

2019 was the birth of Emotional Support Kpop Boy Chan, which ran through 2020, also.

as he developed his chan's room method over 2019, he fell more into the responsible, socially-aware, image-conscious role. he focused a lot on his output toward fans. he started to cultivate an open, honest, and communicative style of being.

but is that real? or is it another persona?

not that he's fake, but that...it's what he thinks he should be.

i think that he probably tries really hard to be exactly what he needs to be. and we do get glimpses of the real guy, bc of course we do. he’s not lying or deceiving us. he’s just creating a boundary of his own. he wants to be a positive force, so he ONLY shows the good on chanbang. that kind of thing.

now, why would he make the OTHER personas??

2017 Monster Rookie Chan, i think, is the result of 7 years of training and a deep, deep inferiority complex. based on when he was recruited, his age, and who he trained with, chan should have been in got7. he should have. why would they pass him over?

easy. he wasn’t good enough yet. some people are born to be stars (bts jungkook. jackson wang. nct/wayv ten) and i firmly believe that’s not chan. chan WORKED to get where he is. he WORKED to become an all-rounder. at got7′s debut, he wasn’t READY. and i think that he was determined to make it stick this time. hence. a strong and fearless persona.

2018 Teen Chan was him overcompensating. he had been a badass for a long, long time at that point. his whole image was Leader. strong, bossy, parental. he wanted to get goofy. he didn’t have many solo stans before this era. seriously.

2019-2020 ESKB Chan was him softening again. he realized that the goofy role better fits the younger members, especially once chan became both the leader and the oldest. there was no one left to baby HIM, or be an equal. so he stepped fully into being the one who takes care of EVERYTHING. the band. the company. us. not himself tho oop-

and that brings us to 2021.

the new era. and his new persona. Sexy Chan.

body chains. multiple songs about sex. always being naked. the wolfgang stage. why does he keep wearing collars he knows i love writing him a collar but this is REAL LIFE-

yeah. fuck that 🤣🤣

#chan persona discourse #okay DISCUSS #this is ALL MY OPINION OKAY #JUST MY RAMBLINGS AS A LOVER OF THE BANG CHAN

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olderthannetfic · 4 years ago

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It's really surprising that you're so well versed in older fandoms and yet participate in new popular ones (that cdrama, kpop) is this by design? Im in my twenties and my interest turnover is already way slower than it used to be

You know, that’s a really interesting question. I wouldn’t say it’s by design exactly in that I do tend to just follow what strikes my fancy, and I can’t force myself to want to write fic for just anything. (I find it easier to like reading fic without serious involuntary emotional investment, but writing takes more. Vidding I can do on command most of the time, but I don’t usually bother unless I have a lot of feels or I’m fulfilling someone’s prompt.)

However, me getting into BTS was 100% due to me wanting to understand BTS enough to explain to people who weren’t very interested but wanted to know what was going on in fandom lately. Under normal circumstances, I run the dance party at Escapade, the oldest extant slash con. We borrowed vividcon’s thing of playing fanvids on the wall--all of them set to dance music--as the soundtrack for the dance party. This means I’m creating a 3-hour mixtape of fannishness, which has amazing potential to make people feel in the know about Fandom Today... and equal potential to make them feel alienated if nothing they care about shows up. Only about 100-150 people attend the con, so it really is possible to make a playlist that feels inclusive yet informative--it just takes a huge amount of work.

Every year, I do a lot of research on which fandoms are getting big and look for vids from vidders people won’t have heard of, so there is an element of consciously trying to keep up with things. Generally, I only get into these fandoms myself if I had no idea what they were and then suddenly, oops, they’re my kryptonite, like the buddy cop android plot in Detroit: Become Human, which sucked me in hard for like 6 months on the basis of a vid.

(So if you’re into cross-fandom meta and associated stuff as one of your fannish interests, you tend to have broader knowledge of different fandoms, old and new, than if you’re just looking for the next place you’ll read fic. It’s also easier to love vids for unfamiliar things than fic.)

But though I was only looking for a basic primer on BTS, BTS has 7 members with multiple names and no clear juggernaut pairing, not to mention that AU that runs through the music videos and lots of other context to explain. The barrier to understanding WTF was going on at all was high enough that to know enough to explain, I had to be thoroughly exposed... And once I was over that hurdle, oops, I had a fandom.

In terms of old vs. new, here’s the thing: kpop fandoms in English and c-drama fandoms in English right now feel a lot like anime fandom in English did in the early 00s. I had a Buddy Cops of the 70s phase in the middle, but my current fannishness is actually a return to my older fannishness in many ways.

What do I mean about them being similar?

Yes, I know some wanker will show up to say I think China, Korea, and Japan are indistinguishable, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the way that I used to routinely meet Italian and French and German fans, Argentinian and Mexican, Malaysian and Indonesian and Filipino too. English-language fandom of SPN or MCU may have all those fans from all those countries, but it feels very American most of the time. English-language fandom of a non-English-language canon is more overtly about using English as a lingua franca.

It also tends to attract people who as a sideline to their fannishness are getting into language learning and translation, which are my other passion in life after fanworks fandom. (I speak only English and Spanish and a bit of Japanese, but I’ve studied German, French, Russian, Mandarin, Old English, and now Korean.)

Nerds arguing about methods of language learning and which textbooks are good and why is my jam. This is all over the place in English-language fandoms of Chinese, Japanese, and Korean media. Those fandoms also tend to be full of speakers coming from a Germanic or Romance languages background who face similar hurdles in learning these languages. (In other words, if you’re a native Japanese speaker trying to learn Korean, the parts that will be hard for you are different than if you’re an English speaker, but you’re also usually not doing fandom in English.)

There’s also an element of scarcity and difficulty of access and a communal attempt to construct a canon (in the other sense) of stuff from that country that pertains to one’s fannishness. So, for example, a primer explaining the genre of xianxia is highly relevant to being a n00b Untamed fan, but just any old thing about China is not. A c-drama adapted from a danmei webnovel is perhaps part of the new pantheon of Chinese shit we’re all getting into, but just any old drama from decades ago is probably not... unless it’s a genre precursor to something else we care about. Another aspect here is that while Stuff I Can Access As A N00b Who Doesn’t Speak The Language may be relatively scarce, there’s a vast, vast wealth of stuff that exists.

This is what it felt like to be an anime fan in the US in 2000. As translation got more commercial and more crappy series were licensed and dumped onto an already glutted market, the vibe changed. No longer were fans desperately trying to learn enough of the language to translate or spending their time cataloguing what existed or making fanworks about a show they stuck with for a bit: the overall community focus turned to an endless race of consumption to keep up with all of the latest releases. That’s a perfectly valid way of being fannish, but if I wanted that, I’d binge US television 24/7.

Anime fandom got bigger, but what I liked about anime fandom in English died, and I moved on. (Okay, I first moved on to Onmyouji, which is a live action Japanese thing, but still.)

Hardcore weeaboos and now fans of Chinese and Korean stuff don’t stop at language: people get excited about cooking, my other other great passion. Times a thousand if the canon is something like The Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty, which is full of loving shots of food preparation. People get excited about history! Mandarin and Japanese may share almost nothing in terms of grammar or phonology, but all of East Asia has influence from specific Chinese power centers historically, and there are commonalities to historical architecture and clothing that I love.

I fell out of love with the popular anime art styles as they changed, and I’m not that into animation in general these days. (I still own a shitton of manga in art styles I like, like Okano Reiko’s Onmyouji series.) I’ve become a filmmaker over the last decade, and I’m very excited about beautiful cinematography and editing. With one thing and another, I’m probably not going to get back into anime fandom, but it’s lovely to revisit the cultural aspects I enjoyed about it via live-action media.

BTS surprised me too, to be honest. I really dislike that early 90s R&B ballad style that infests idol music (not just Korean--believe me, I resisted many rounds of “But Johnny’s Entertainment though!” back in the day). While I like some of the dance pop, I just don’t care. But OH NO, BTS turn out to be massive conscious hip hop fanboys, and their music sounds different. I have some tl;dr about my reactions in the meta I wrote about one of my fanvids, which you can find on Dreamwidth here.

But back to your comment about turnover: I know fans from the 70s who’ve had one great fannish love and that’s it and more who were like that but eventually moved on to a second or third. They’re... really fannishly monogamous in a way I find hard to comprehend. It was the norm long ago, but even by the 90s when far more people were getting into fandom, it was seen as a little weird. By now, with exponentially more people in fandom, it’s almost unheard of. I think those fans still exist, even as new people joining, but we don’t notice them. They were always rare, but in the past, only people like that had the stamina to get over the barriers to entry and actually become the people who made zines or were willing to be visibly into fanfic in eras when that was seen as really weird. On top of that, there’s an element of me, us, judging the past by what’s left: only people with an intense and often single passion are visible because other people either drifted away or have seamlessly disappeared into some modern fandom. They don’t say they’re 80 or 60 or 40 instead of 20, so nobody knows.

In general, I’m a small fandoms and rare ships person. My brain will do its best to thwart me by liking whatever has no fic even in a big fic fandom... (Except BTS because there is literally fic for any combination of them, like even more than for the likes of MCU. Wow. Best fandom evar!) So I have an incentive to not get complacent and just stick with one fandom because I would very soon have no ability to be in fandom at all.

My appetite for Consuming All The Things has slowed way down, but it also goes in waves, and a lot of what I’m consuming is what I did back in 2000: journal articles and the limited range of English-language books on the history of m/m sex and romance in East Asia. It’s not so much that I have a million fandoms as that I’m watching a few shows as an expression of my interest in East Asian costume dramas and East Asian history generally.

I do like to sit with one thing and experience it deeply rather than moving on quickly, but the surface expression of this has changed depending on whether I’m more into writing fic or more into doing research or something else.

But yes, I do do a certain amount of trying to stay current, often as a part of research for fandom meta or to help other people know what’s going on. Having a sense of what’s big doesn’t automatically mean getting into all those things, but I think some fans who are older-in-fandom and/or older-in-years stop being open to even hearing what’s new. And if you’ve never heard of it, you’ll never know if you might have liked it.

#fandom meta #fandom history #Anonymous

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tsarisfanfiction · 4 years ago

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Trope #36: Amnesia, Prompt #633: "Please, stop saying my name like that." for TAG

Forget Me Not

Fandom: Thunderbirds Rating: Teen Genre: Angst/Family Characters: Scott, Virgil, John

Ah, good old amnesia time! And you know what, apparently my muse has decided it wants to beat up someone who isn’t Scott, entirely without prompting! Although that might have something to do with the angst of a little brother not knowing who he is... So there’s that.

Another old prompt I’m finally getting around to, so let’s see if I can even find the original post, oops...

Writing Game: Tropes

Scott had thought he’d known despair. He’d felt its frigid bite the day the snow roared down, had it steal all the breath from his lungs the day the Zero-X exploded, heard its white noise when the call had come about a hydrofoil. He’d lost - or almost lost - so much, and seen the way it infected other families every time a rescue didn’t have a hundred percent success rate. He’d been sure, so sure, he’d known what it could do.

The vice around his heart, frigid and thieving and loud, was all of those together and more. Too many things, too much to take in, too much to react to, and he was gasping for breath he didn’t have, drowning on dry land.

“Virgil,” he gasped out, his brother’s name something wet and rasping all at once. Brown eyes regarded him, warm and concerned and a little upset. More than a little upset; he was hiding it but not well enough. Not from Scott.

“Please,” his little brother said, and his voice tightened the vice until Scott thought his heart would stop. “Stop saying my name like that.”

It was only force of will that kept Scott standing, kept him in the same room, because every fibre of his being was screaming for him to get out of there. Before it killed him, so he could find a way to fix it, before he broke in front of the brothers he had to be strong for.

Even the one that didn’t remember him.

Especially the one that didn’t remember him.

Amnesia. A head injury at just the right - wrong - spot, and now Virgil couldn’t remember them. Couldn’t remember him. His brown eyes were warm and concerned but also empty of that one spark that made Virgil Virgil.

They didn’t know if it was permanent.

Grandma had scans running, Brains was delving into research, but the simple fact of the matter was that it was entirely down to Virgil. Either he’d remember, or he wouldn’t, and there was nothing Scott could do to make it happen.

They’d done everything they could; they’d surrounded him with familiarity, family in and out with Scott the constant because he couldn’t - couldn’t - leave even though every moment that passed with no recognition destroyed him just a little more inside. A trip to the hangars, Thunderbird Two in all her beautiful green glory. It hadn’t helped.

Now all they could do was wait. Wait and hope and pray that Virgil’s brain would recover the memories in time.

Scott had never been good at waiting. Waiting for the news that Mom hadn’t made it, waiting for the body they never found, waiting for Gordon to regain consciousness. His job was to protect his family, to help them when things got tough. To do things. Fix things, because he was the big brother and all his little brothers needed him to be able to make the world right again - or at least to keep it turning.

Now he had a little brother who didn’t remember that. A little brother who looked at him without a single spark of recognition but was still so painfully Virgil that he could tell everyone was upset and wanted to help them.

There were three other little brothers still looking to him, three different colours of eyes watching him with thinly veiled hope and belief that somehow, somehow, he could fix this. Big brother could make it right again. After all, there’d always been something between them, hadn’t there? That mutual understanding that went beyond comprehension but was always, always there.

Scott could feel the gaping hole where it should be. Where it was gone, and that alone had him crippled, because he’d had Virgil since he was four, almost as long as he could remember. They’d always said nothing could tear them apart. Even in his blackest days, days he’d done his damnest to block from his memories, it had been there. But this? One simple knock to the wrong part of a head, and it was gone.

“You don’t have to stay with me,” Virgil said, dragging him out of his mind and back into the room where his brother was watching him with those concerned yet sparkless eyes.

“Yes, I do,” he corrected. His voice almost managed to stay steady.

“No,” Virgil said. “You need to leave.” The voice was all Virgil, but the words... Virgil had never, ever, tried to send him away. Not like that.

“Virgil-”

“You think watching you fall apart is helping me?” his brother demanded, shocking him into silence. “I can barely remember my own name, you hovering isn’t going to change anything. You’re just hurting yourself more.”

“No-”

“Get out. Go do whatever you do to relax, and don’t come back until you don’t look like you’re about to shatter.”

Scott’s eye stung. Virgil’s voice was making noises but they were nothing he would say. His brother knew he could never relax when one of his brothers was in trouble, knew that he had to be there. Knew that sending him away would always be infinitely more painful than sitting vigil by a bed.

But he didn’t know, because he didn’t remember. Didn’t know he was tearing Scott’s heart out of his chest, one strip at a time. Thought, in Virgil’s kind way, that it would help him.

Scott couldn’t correct him, though. Because him staying was hurting Virgil, doing the absolute opposite of what he was supposed to be doing, where big brother was supposed to help, was supposed to make everything better. Scott’s job was to fix things but now he was just breaking them more.

It was the worried brown eyes that did it. Filled with pain and frustration but also worry and concern for him. Scott’s other eye stung, at the same time something salty dripped into the corner of his mouth.

“I-”

“Go.”

Brown eyes were unwavering, and Scott swallowed with an unbearably tight throat. One last moment of hesitation, one last silent plea for Virgil to change his mind, to let him stay, but he didn’t.

Scott barely made it out of the room before he broke, his knees crashing to the floor as the door shut behind him and his lungs shuddering and heaving as every breath that escaped was accompanied by a wrenching sob.

Virgil. Scott had never felt so helpless, so useless, in his life. Not only could he not fix it, but he couldn’t even reassure his brother like he normally would. No, he’d just made things worse, his presence an additional stress on the brother who was going through hell. So much so that Virgil - Virgil - had sent him away.

He didn’t know how his heart still had the space to beat, how it could keep going under the crushing pressure surrounding it. His lungs were barely functioning, air replaced by salty sobs and hiccups. Open eyes couldn’t see anything, his sight blurred beyond all comprehension. Extremities were numb, muscles were locked rigid, and there was nothing he could do.

“Scott!” Hands grasped at him, pawing and tugging in a futile attempt to get him to move.

“Scott?” Quiet, worried. Part of Scott stirred at it, recognising a little brother in distress, but it couldn’t break through the rest of him.

“Alan, go sit with Virgil. You too, Gordon.” A third voice joined in, the third and final little brother there to witness Scott’s greatest failure.

“But, Scott-”

“I’ve got him.” Strong arms wrapped around him. “You two check on Virgil.”

Hands fell away.

“Come on, Scotty.” It was John talking, voice quiet and calm and everything Scott couldn’t be. “Let’s get you off the floor.”

Scott’s limbs still weren’t responding, but John was stronger than he had any right to be with all the time he spent in space. His younger brother dragged him upright, or at least to his feet, and then down the hallway. Scott had minimal awareness of where they were going, barely able to put one foot in front of the other until there was something soft and he was sinking down onto it - into it.

John didn’t speak, but the arms didn’t leave him, holding him together so he didn’t have to. It was wrong, another failure - he couldn’t fix Virgil, and now he couldn’t even reassure his other brothers either - but John was unrelenting and so were the tears.

“I-” he choked out, not sure what he was trying to say, but needing to say something. “He- Virg-” Another wave of sobs caught him, and John pulled him closer.

“Virgil’s strong,” John said, quietly but without a hint of doubt. “Whatever happens, he’ll overcome it.” Slender fingers coaxed through his hair, somehow more grounding than the arms around him. “We’ll overcome it, Scott. All of us, together.”

He shuddered involuntarily. Together, John said, but Virgil didn’t even want him in the same room. Found that he was hurting rather than helping.

“I couldn’t- couldn’t help,” he hiccupped, a painful admittance that burned his throat. “He said-”

“You can’t help anyone when you’re a wreck yourself.” John’s voice stayed level and calm. “You know this, Scott. Take a break. Get some rest. You don’t have to do this all alone. He’s our brother, too.”

“But-”

“Rest, Scott.” John didn’t raise his voice, but the command was clear nonetheless. “You’re no good to Virgil like this.”

The words cut, but they didn’t burn like the words he’d been telling himself did. John had always had a gift with words; coming from him, they were marginally easier to swallow.

“Go to him,” he begged.

“Alan and Gordon are with him,” John reminded him. “He’s not alone.”

Scott knew that, but his heart still seized at the terror that somehow it wouldn’t be enough. “Please.”

John’s fingers stilled in his hair. “Okay,” he agreed. The hands slipped away from him and Scott found himself toppling sideways onto the same soft that he was sat on. A bed.

It shifted as weight lifted, and Scott blinked enough moisture away to see the vibrant ginger hair of his brother.

“John,” he rasped. His brother paused. “I’m sorry.” Sorry for failing. Sorry for being blind. Sorry for being so useless. “Thank you.”

“You’re not alone,” the Voice That Answers said. “Either of you.”

John left, and Scott was left staring at the wall - pale silver, not his own - as his heart tried to wriggle free of the clamp around it. John was right; John was always right. They weren’t alone. They would get through, one way or another.

The despair ebbed, just a fraction.

Just enough for him to breathe again.

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds are go fanfiction #tsari writes fanfiction #scott tracy #virgil tracy #john tracy #gordon tracy #alan tracy #thunderangst #drabbles #purfectpurple #forget me not

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