#or even worse when they have some sort of trauma that makes them self-blaming and hopelessly insecure

[lieutenant-amuel]

This is probably not that common but I honestly rarely like characters who are like me personality wise.

[trashytoastboi]

I really love your writing! Some of my favorite headcannon are the reader scared of physical intimacy due to trauma, could you do those headcannons for Ace and Sabo please??

Heyya bean! I apologise for the very, very long wait >_< I've finally gotten around to writing things again, I'm thankful you enjoy my writing and hope you enjoy~

🍞 Headcanons: Kid, Killer x S/O who is afraid of physical intimacy due to past trauma

🍞 Headcanons: Zoro, Law, Marco, Katakuri x S/O who is afraid of physical intimacy due to past trauma.

Headcanons: Ace, Sabo x S/O Who is afraid of physical intimacy due to a past trauma.

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> (Gender Neutral) <

> Warning: Implied abuse/mention of panic attacks. This includes implied trauma due to something in the past, if you think it will be triggering for you please avoid this. It is written and intended to be a comfort piece, but first and foremost take care of yourself and mental wellbeing🍀 

Portgas D. Ace

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🔥 Ace has a very physical love style, he enjoys expressing himself through touch and affection. Though it makes the situation at hand all the more difficult, he would never complain or be upset about it. He understands, he truly does. Ace just doesn’t understand how else he can fully convey his love other than affection. He believes actions weigh more than words and even though he always tells {Name} just how much he loves them, it just never felt adequate. Ace never once desired to push {Name} beyond their limitations. 

🔥It was obvious there was aversion to touch and affection. {Name} had always kept people at arm's length, Ace was a little closer than most and he treasured the trust placed in him by his partner. Ace came to learn through their mannerisms and occasional openings in their guard about how they were uncomfortable with physical touch and the idea of being intimate. Ace held off on affection, unless he felt {Name} was having a good day, he moved slowly and always checked to truly make sure they were fine. If any minute reaction showed discomfort or fear, he would leave them be and comfort them when {Name} apologized for being this way. 

🔥Ace felt there were strides of progress, regarding his relationship with {Name}. They had gotten into a comfort zone of sorts, hand holding and the occasional hug was steadily becoming more frequent and comforting, sometimes it was even {Name} to be the one to initiate. Maybe due to the constant security and comfort Ace provided, {Name} felt safe enough to divulge their very painful past. The trauma that made them this way and how that trauma made even the most gentle of touch feel like fire and fear in one fatal combination. 

🔥{Name} dug deep to pull everything up and out. They thought they would be ready to discuss everything, it proved not to be the case. The revisitation of trauma set the panic deep in their bones, they choked up. The cold feeling began to run down their shoulders, down their back as the feeling faded from their hands and feet. The tears came out uncontrollably.  Ace panicked internally, he didn’t want to show it outright in case it made {Name’s} current state worse. He comforted them, speaking in a soft voice telling them it was alright not to face it right now, not until {Name} was ready. He informed them over and over again how {Name} never had to force themselves to do anything. 

🔥They sputtered never ending apologies on repeat, alternating between words of self blame and apologies to Ace. This had sent {Name} back into the worst possible mindset, thanks to how adamantly and patiently Ace listened, comforted them and gently hushed their apologies. He deemed the apologies unnecessary, after all there was no reason for {Name} to say sorry when they were never the ones in the wrong. Maybe it was that very warmth and comfort that helped them gain a grip, something that helped to steady their uneven and shallow breath, easing the pain in their chest. The world stopped spinning and they were calming down. 

🔥Ace inwardly blamed himself, the initial happenings he knew was not his fault. He just spiraled with the concept that maybe had he just not been so eager, or forthcoming and overwhelming with his advances then {Name} might not have felt so pressured to discuss this, or put themselves in a position to relive their worst trauma. {Name} never once actually thought like this, they felt so trusting of Ace that they wanted to tell him. Ace smiled on the surface, a soft and meek smile. One designed to comfort his partner without alluding to his true thoughts of guilt and self blame. 

🔥It took a lot of communication and understanding to see where both of them were. Trying to hold these fragmented talks while suffering in their own thoughts was only hurting them. {Name} took Ace’s comfort to heart, knowing they weren’t obligated nor were they ready to talk about things and that was okay. Ace communicated his own misunderstanding and insecurities, the talk was difficult but they found a middle ground. A comfortable place in which to meet each other emotionally, taking it one step at a time.

Sabo

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🎩 Sabo noticed the hesitation, it was not outright. Hidden, disguised as if {Name} didn’t want him to know. He loves them too much not to notice how they stiffened; the anxiety that passed through their eyes and contorted their expression into fear for an instant. The nervous stumbling of their words when Sabo pulled away in surprise worried about accidentally hurting them. Given his injuries, his scars that remained Sabo related their reaction to something similar. His body had healed, on the surface. The trauma remained and it took a long time without him having to flinch away, associating touch with treatment of his injuries and the grueling pain he had to live through during his recovery. Or how he hated his scars when they first started to settle, the uneven and rough skin under his fingertips. He learned to accept them, live with them and in time liked them as it was his proof of survival, he was still alive. Sabo likened it to a deep rooted trauma, he didn’t bring it up but his actions became more reserved in nature. 

🎩 Sometimes it can take the smallest thing to fall over the edge, Sabo’s more and rarer playful side came out when he and {Name} were sharing some banter, joking around and the like. Sabo playfully grabbed their wrist in the hopes of pulling them in for a kiss, but what ensued was nothing he expected. {Name} was fine one moment, the next it looked like their world shattered. He let go, panicking and asking what happened, did he grab too hard? {Name} shook their head, dismissing it with a strained smile. The cold sweat didn’t convince him when they showed so much fear. Sabo had noticed it a while ago. He gently broached the topic, not wanting the details but he needed to know. Sabo wanted to know how he could help. How he could protect them and prevent anything that could hurt them. 

🎩Nothing really could have prepared Sabo, for what {Name} entrusted to him. A very bleak and too upsetting for words recollection of the incidents that made them this way. Sabo felt angry, towards the people who hurt his partner, towards himself for not realizing some of his actions could have triggered them. Logically, he knew it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know of the situation and couldn’t change it. He felt sad seeing how heartbroken and frightened {Name} was. Not only from recalling the vivid and horrific memories but also from their fear that Sabo might perceive or treat them differently, in a bad way. They had been on the terrible side of listening to those who blamed {Name} for what happened in the past. {Name} grew to believe what was said, that it was their fault. 

🎩 Listening to how their words laced their own blame into it. “I shouldn’t have… they wouldn’t have.. I was the one…” Sabo only grew angrier towards the people, the vicious attitude they must have had upon saying those poisonous words to {Name}. Things that led to self doubt and blame. Sabo approached them, carefully enough to see if his touch and comfort would be welcomed. He could only hold them, swallowing his own anger. He pushed it aside, to whisper the words of validation they so desperately needed. Even the simple statement “It wasn’t your fault.” Brought tears to {Name’s} eyes, his voice resonates so deeply, unearthing all of those suppressed feelings that they held back. At this point all Sabo could offer is comfort and security, away from the memories. 

🎩 He tried to take their mind off of it. Trying to calm {Name} down and offer whatever reassurance he could. From the beginning he had been undemanding. {Name} never felt things in the way of obligation, they never felt forced to do anything. Sabo had created a safe space for them truly, one where they learned the hardships of healing but healing nevertheless. He helped and supported with what he could. Giving {Name} space when they needed it, giving them comfort and support when they wanted it. Sabo knew he could not change the past, nor what happened to his partner. But he could try to help them now and in the future. The past may have been full of hurt and terror, he tries, strives to make sure that the future will never be like that. Neither for him, nor {Name}. 

[foxufortunes]

So like I was actually having this discussion in the comments of one of my fics at stupid in the morning, but like having thought it through for the day I'm here to messily rant my thoughts on the complicated relationship between the upperclassmen, mainly Dan, and the monsters, mainly Andrew, and Wymack. How Dan is terribly self righteous and hypocritical and lets her emotions get in the way of her captaincy at times. How Andrew doesn't care for the discomfort and fear he causes others and even revels in it, even without provocation. And how Wymack, for better or for worse, is a hands off coach who can't/won't inflict meaningful punishments on his team, even enabling their worst qualities and habits, as part of his ideal of giving people more chances and how that can create a hostile team environment.

Aka, I'm about to throw slander in every direction, because these are flawed, messy characters and trying to make any of them perfectly innocent or always right does a disservice to the well sketched, messy, imperfect, flawed characters Nora created. Blame goes everywhere and no one is innocent. Trauma is a reason, not an excuse.

Buckle up, guys, this is about to get long and messy.

So, let's start with Wymack, who's a bit trickier to explain than Dan and Andrew, but is also the reason they've been brought togethers. Wymack, as we see him on page, is a massively hands off coach, especially when you compare him to Coach Rhemann. Now, it's very possible that this is actually because Nora either wasn't confident/good enough to write him coaching vs where she is now ten years later, or because she didn't want to focus there (although logically for exy junkie Neil's pov that would be weird, but whatever, that's not what we're talking about) but whatever the reason out of universe, it leaves us with Wymack as hands off as possible in universe. (Also, sidebar, some people in this fandom need to learn that out of universe reasons still need to have an in universe reason, "it needed to happen for the plot" is an out of universe reason, but I still need to know why the characters did it beyond "for the plot" or it's bad writing, stop using that for an answer about "why did character X do Y?")

Anyway, Wymack lets the team basically run amuck and sort themselves out, and even enables their worst habits. I think its canon that Abby gets a tip when "random" drug tests are happening, and they certainly don't do anything to enforce the no drugs policies the school and NCAA and probably ERC would have. Wymack brought a bunch of troubled kids together and seems to have no plan beyond letting themselves work it out and Betsy's here if there's trouble. This is why the Matt situation happens. You let a struggling to stay sober drug addict be around other not even trying drug addicts, of course Matt was going to get worse. This is actively bad for him. And in turn then actively bad for Aaron.

His relationship with Andrew is a bit more complicated. Now, I need you to forget everything you know about Andrew through Neil and his backstory for a moment, and just look at Andrew through Wymack's eyes as he first met him. Andrew has been to juvie, and is currently on parole for another violent crime that Wymack may or may not know the actual details about and on medication that Wymack may or may not know what they actually are and do. Andrew asks to come off of them. Wymack says yes. Now, even putting aside the legality of this, Wymack took the unilateral decision that Andrew knows best about his meds and can come off of them. Now, we can talk plenty about how Andrew's medication is portrayed in canon, but plenty of people don't like meds that are actually good for them and try/do stop taking them, often without telling a doctor they're doing so. There's also the fact that, again irrelevant of what we know as the story goes, Andrew regularly drinks, smokes and misses doses, things that can all make medication not work as it should. Wymack is not a doctor, for all he knows he could actively making Andrew worse by allowing this, but does anyway, for a good defence line.

(Also another side note, where does canon get off calling the Foxes a laughing stock? They're five years old. Seth was part of the first batch, right? So they're five years old and made the championships in their fourth year of existing as a team, fuck off are they dead last laughing stocks.)

And this is part of what I don't get about Wymack. He both wants to win above what's good for his team and doesn't at the same time. For example, he's so hands off and enables their bad habits, things that could kill them and actively harm them. He puts Andrew on the bench because he doesn't need a third goalie despite him being better and seemingly rolls with the hierarchy of age over skill, which implies team feel goods over victory but is so invested in staying Class I he semi-regularly lets (and yeah, it's lets not makes but still) Andrew harm himself playing full games on withdrawals (again, as far as he knows potentially stopping his meds working right). And while it could be argued his situation with Andrew is more not wanting to give up on Andrew, that is an the expense of his other players. Anyone who's ever been in a situation where one or two people are hostile/seemingly unpunishable knows how bad that makes everyone else feel.

Because, let's be real, Andrew is unpunishable and they all know it. Cardio is one thing, but he doesn't go through with marathons and nothing else will work. Andrew doesn't care for his own contract, and even if we actually believed Wymack would go through with any threat again Kevin, Nicky or Aaron's contracts (and we all know he wouldn't) Andrew would probably sabotage the game in protest or just outright quit. Andrew gets away with everything and everyone knows it and that can quickly see your team stop respecting/trusting you or feeling safe when you say they are. It's a very dangerous line.

And this is where we finally get to Dan. Because yes, Dan hates Andrew, and is unprofessional in her bias against him. But I think we often forget where this comes from. You often see people talk about Columbia, and Andrew drugging Neil, and should Neil have been angrier, how his trauma impacted him moving on so quickly and whether Andrew's reasons were valid or not because he thought Neil was a threat. And sometimes you see people talk about what he did "to" Matt. Which, yes, wasn't great, and yes, Matt took the drugs himself, but really it wasn't a great move from Andrew. But how often do you see people talk about what he did to Dan?

I mean, let's get some context here. Andrew and Dan barely knew each other. Dan is already getting shit from every angle for daring to be a woman playing and captaining an exy team (and if you hc her as a woman of colour, double this) in a period of time where colleges did (and still do) have a terrible reputation for covering up the horrific assaults committed by their best NCAA athletes. And Andrew, with no provocation, or reason, invites her out, to his home turf, with his family, to a bar he worked out, without anyone to support her and look after her, and drugged her. To find out if she was a women worth following. Not because she was a threat. Because he wanted to find out what type of person she was. He wanted her tragic backstory and he wanted it now (something people criticise Dan for demanding a lot, by the way). Andrew and his group show no remorse and face no real repercussions and then go on to enable Matt getting falling off the wagon and taking potentially lethal mix of drugs, because his mom said it was fine so it's ok and it all worked out, ends justify the means, and is allowed to just carry on with again, no meaningful punishment. Because no harm, no foul, right? (funny how you'll apply that to Andrew but hate when Thea said it, huh?)

Is it any wonder Dan doesn't like or trust Andrew?

And lets be clear, Andrew does nothing to discourage this. Andrew doesn't want to be understood, he doesn't want to share. Andrew is not here angsting because no one understands his attempts to making friends (except maybe, big maybe, Aaron not understanding his attempts at brothering). Andrew is fine if the team doesn't trust him. He encourages it, because trust means friends means feelings means weakness and that's ew. It's not hard to see how, from Dan's pov, Wymack can't/won't punish Andrew and is more interested in winning so won't kick him off the team.

At the same time, Dan is just as complicit in Andrew's breaking the law and hurting himself by missing meds as Wymack. Again, for all she knows, his meds help him, and skipping could actively harm the help they're giving him. Again, she's putting winning, because they have this amazing goalkeeper, above both Andrew and the team's health, and then complains when he lashes out. Some meds need a consistent balance to work, and maybe if he wasn't skipping every Friday to help you win he'd be more stable (we know this isn't the case, but they don't). There's barely any resistance put up to the idea that Andrew plays entire games, because she also wants to win more than she cares about Andrew's health, while at the same time not caring about winning more than her pride, like the rest of the team who are more interested in fighting than winning.

Now, of course, Andrew doesn't care. I think Nicky has it right early on when he says Andrew doesn't care about your boundaries, just his. Andrew is here mostly because he wants to keep Nicky and Aaron close and sees providing value for them (protection, scholarships, controlling protection ect) as the only way to really do it. Andrew sees life as exchanges. But, for all we act like Andrew lives on fair exchanges, he doesn't. As I said, he drugged Dan because he wanted to know about her, what did he give her in return? Nothing. He violated her autonomy and gave her nothing in return. Not even his own backstory. Arguably not even respect. (please, take a minute to imagine how pissed you would be if someone in fanfic wrote Andrew being drugged just to get him to spill his trauma without him even being a threat to anything, or look at how people react to Neil's Columbia scene).

The upperclassmen constantly ignore and violate Andrew's boundaries in very clear ways, and any normal team would have backed off ages ago (or called the cops the first time he pulled a knife) but because they're Foxes they keep pushing. (Also, for all fandom likes to make him a knife nut, look at how often he actually pulls a knife vs punches, it's either rape jokes, or him/someone under his protection being cornered, day to day he goes without). Now, of course, Andrew is a lot of the problem of keeping the team in two halves (again, something any decent coach shouldn't allow to get that extreme) as we see with how well the team works when Andrew is at Easthaven, but we don't know how much effort the upperclassmen actually make (excluding Renee of course).

The upperclassmen are often the first to lash out, and Andrew is often only retaliating, and then the monsters will be blamed. And yes, this is complete hypocrisy. But from the more general day to day treatment, not in the moment when a punch is thrown but attitudes in general, Andrew has proven himself a threat over and over, without provocation. If you can excuse Andrew drugging Neil because he's a potential threat, then why is Dan being hostile to Andrew because he's proven himself a threat different? Is it professional? Probably not, but what else can Dan do? She can't punish Andrew and Wymack seemingly can't/won't either. In Dan's mind, she is being hypervigilant and watching Andrew and taking his actions for the worst possible scenario, because Andrew has given her reason to. A simple drink to get to know each other turned into drugging her and Matt being in awful condition. Why should she give him the benefit of the doubt? Andrew wouldn't return the favour.

In many ways, Andrew and Dan are mirrors of each other. The leaders of their respective groups, both constantly trying to watch out for threats, but while Dan sees the threat she's already experienced with Andrew, Andrew considers her nothing. He's already got all her secrets and cast her aside, not caring for the damage he's done, because she and her friends are nothing to, and he doesn't feel a hint of remorse. He did what he had to, the ends justify the means, and Wymack's gone through too much to get him to risk losing him. He's on a team that doesn't care about his boundaries any more than he cares about theirs and is more than happy to play the monster if it gets the job done.

This came off a little harsh on Andrew, despite that I love him and Dan actually grates on me, but honestly the start of the series he is kind of awful and Dan I can see where she's coming from. Like, I think sometimes we also forget even Neil hates Andrew at the start of the series. Everything he did with Neil, he did with the others, it's just that Neil had the persistence, and the trauma related need to compartmentalise and move on quickly rather than hold a grudge, and a usefulness to Andrew (and yeah, let's not forget the breakthrough is Kathy's show and Andrew realising Neil is useful to him) to let him get in with Andrew so he can start to see the real him, while Andrew keeps the upperclassmen at arm's length.

And wow, congrats and thanks to anyone who read all the way through this monster ramble.

[hero-deserves-to-be-happy]

Thinking about how Hero and Kel are both very selfless people but in different ways that really boil down to the fact that Kel is willing to set boundaries that Hero isn't. While they would both do just about anything for their loved ones, Hero is basically "The Giving Tree"—willing to be completely destroyed in a sort of silent martyrdom without setting any boundaries because he's too conflict-avoidant and lacks a certain sense of self-preservation that his brother has. Whereas Kel is selfless, but he isn't a doormat. He doesn't struggle nearly as much to say "no" when he needs to and can prioritize his own needs and self-care when appropriate and necessary (perhaps precisely because Hero was there constantly putting Kel's needs first for most of their lives).

Ultimately, at least on some level, Kel feels his needs matter and that he matters enough to set boundaries, even when he is taking care of other people; however, no matter the situation, Hero will always consider himself last and has trouble believing he has the right to ever put himself and his own feelings and self-care first.

More ramblings under the cut (Warnings: OMORI spoilers and heavy subject matter. Mentions death, grief, trauma, and depression).

This is really showcased in their reactions after Mari's death. Kel eventually reaches this point where he decides that he can't sit in that hurt anymore and needs to carry on living even if he is heartbroken. Despite how much he wants to keep everyone together, Kel starts to worry that all of his attempts to help are just making everything worse, and because he has this sense of self-preservation, he distances himself to protect not only his loved ones who he feels might be better off without him (even though that isn't true) but also to take care of himself and to distance himself from these feelings of failure and of being too weak and too helpless to care for his suffering friends, especially his brother. He does feel guilty about that, but ultimately, he makes the best decision that he can at the time. He never gives up on his friends and on the hope that they'll eventually be reunited (he keeps knocking on Sunny's door even after all these years, after all), and he hopes that taking care of himself and carrying on with his life will give him the strength to be there for his loved ones if/when the time comes that they need him.

Hero, on the other hand, never processes his own feelings, and his trauma and related feelings of guilt cause him to believe that he doesn't have the right to care for himself (even though that couldn't be farther from the truth). He sort of implodes after losing Mari—curling in on himself and spiraling into a deep depression, wallowing in his grief in a way that is all-consuming but understandable. He comes out of that not because he has reached a sense of closure and peace, but because he feels guilty—feels he has burdened and hurt the people closest to him with his problems. He begins to feel that putting himself first and getting the help he needs would be selfish, so he pushes his issues aside and tries to ignore them as if they will eventually just go away, which they don't.

After a year of spiraling in his own grief and misery, he swings to the completely opposite direction: living a listless life of "fake happiness" and pretending that everything is okay when it isn't. He blames himself for Mari's death and for Kel, Sunny, Basil, and Aubrey's suffering and feels like he should have been stronger and taken better care of them, but he also feels his hands are tied and there's nothing he can do. He wants to help, but he doesn't want to cross his loved ones' boundaries, pry into their business, or create conflict so he often chooses inaction and to give his friends space. Meanwhile, his own feelings of grief and guilt are, at times, too overwhelming for him to bear. He has been so beaten down by the trauma of the situation that he feels his own pain, suffering, and needs don't matter, and he can only derive a sense of self-worth from being useful and helpful to others. Caught between a desperate desire to be needed and a crippling fear of conflict, Hero never sets boundaries and feels his only chance at surviving this new life is to shove his own feelings away and take care of everyone else around him, without any consideration to how he may be hurting himself.

Hero and Kel are both incredibly kindhearted and altruistic people, but Hero's manner of “selflessness” can be unhealthy and, ultimately, harmful to him if it leads him to neglect himself and his own basic needs. The truth is he really can’t take care of anyone if he doesn’t take care of himself first. Kel understands this, but Hero does not.

[whumpcereal]

behavior modification, jack & joe's wedding

masterlist here. I know it's been a while, so I hope folks are still out there.

content warnings for: vague references to past csa and general trauma, a recovering whumpee with some self-loathing, and TOOTH-ROTTING FLUFF

future snippet, forget me not

“You look so handsome, Bear.” 

Marilyn meets her son’s eyes in the mirror, and he smiles back at her. For once, she knows he can’t argue with her. The man who looks back at her is happy and sure, his dark hair carefully parted and slicked into place, his navy suit well-cut and pressed. He looks like his father, but that’s neither here nor there. It’s Joe’s smile that makes the difference. It’s crept out more often since Jack came home to them, and today, there’s nothing that can wipe it away. 

Joe’s green eyes crinkle at their corners. “Thanks, Mama.” 

“I’m just telling it like it is. Turn this way. I want to make sure that bowtie is straight before I go help Jack.” 

Marilyn doesn’t miss the soft blush that creeps into Joe’s cheeks at the mention of his fiancé. 

“Where is he?” 

The question doesn’t have the desperate tone it used to. For once, Joe is just a normal young man, excited at the prospect of the day ahead. 

Marilyn smiles. “Down the hall, but don’t you even think about peeking. You know the rules.”

“It’s just superstition,” Joe protests. 

They’ve already weathered enough bad luck to last a lifetime, her two boys. Marilyn can tell that  Joe’s fairly certain that seeing his groom on the wedding day is the least of their worries. She wouldn’t be surprised if Joe threw caution to the wind and busted up a room full of mirrors at this point. They’ve paid their dues. They must have. 

Marilyn’s hands fidget gently with Joe’s bowtie. She keeps her gaze fixed on his collar button;  Joe knows well enough that she’s trying to hide the tears that have crept into her eyes. 

“Superstition or not,” she says, “you are not depriving me of adorable ‘first look’ pictures.”

They’ve had another sort of first look, Marilyn knows. She wasn’t there–she hadn’t wanted to overwhelm poor Jack–but, eventually, Joe told her about opening the goddamned box and finding Jack inside, emaciated and covered in his own sick. She wasn’t there, but the knowledge that it happened at all tears at the seams of her heart. They didn’t deserve it. But they are stronger for it now. 

“Mama?” Joe sets a soft hand on her shoulder. 

“I’m just so happy for you, Bear. Both of you.” 

“Is it bad if I say I’m happy too?” Joe asks, ducking his chin sheepishly. 

Marilyn blinks, trying to keep her damn tears from ruining her make-up. Joe’s been this way his entire life; he’s never been sure if he deserves the good things that come his way, even when he was a little boy. Marilyn can remember the way he used to smother his own laughter after his father left, afraid that his joy was misplaced. I’m sorry, Mama, he’d say, as if he’d done something naughty. It broke her heart. It still does. 

It was worse while Jack was gone, and somehow even worse in the first months after he came home. Joe blamed himself for everything that had happened, and no matter what she said, Marilyn couldn’t convince him otherwise. Even when Jack began to come back to himself, Joe attributed it to Jack’s own strength rather than the love and support he provided for all those first months. Joe’s been afraid to let himself believe that this is real. She’s sure he thinks it might all be taken away again. 

“No, honey, it isn’t bad. You deserve to be happy. Both of you.” 

Predictably, Joe’s jaw tightens, just a little–something only a mother’s eyes might catch. 

“I will always make him happy.” 

“I know,” Marilyn murmurs, patting Joe’s cheek. “You’ll make each other happy, Bear.” 

“I’ll protect him.” 

Marilyn shakes her head. “No, baby, you’ll love him, and he’ll love you. Love is protection in its own way; you just have to let each other in.” 

She knows it’s absurd, her spouting marital advice when her own marriage folded like a cheap card table years ago. She never gave a second thought to looking for another partner after Joe’s father left; she had her Joey Bear, and the love that remained belonged to him. She’s always protected him. She will, until she can’t–and when she can’t, she knows that Jack will be there. Just like Joe will be there for him. 

“He–” Joe hesitates. He turns and shyly meets Marilyn’s eyes in the mirror again. His lips quirk into a smile. “He let me in again.” 

“I know,” Marilyn says softly. “He loves you.” 

“I love him so much.” 

Marilyn’s chest catches at the soft ache in Joe’s voice. She remembers what it was like to love someone so fiercely that it actually hurt. Of course she remembers. Sometimes, the beginning hurts just as much as the end. But what Joe and Jack have–well, that’s something special and fine. Delicate. Like spun gold. 

Marilyn smiles. “I know that too.” 

She reaches for the plastic florist’s clamshell on the dresser. Inside is a tiny spray of purple-blue forget-me-nots nestled against a pop of delicate greenery. Marilyn picks it up with careful fingers and fastens it to Joe’s lapel. 

“Not the most subtle choice,” Marilyn teases, “but a fine one.” 

“The right one.” Joe leans down to kiss her cheek. “Thank you for everything, Mama.” 

“Always, Bear.”

Their foreheads touch, just for a moment, and then Marilyn squeezes Joe’s arms and pulls away. She scoops up the other florist’s box. 

“I’d better go check on your husband-to-be. Remember, be out in the courtyard at two.” 

Joe salutes her as she goes, and his smile widens. He’ll be alright. This day is the culmination of so many of his hopes and dreams. As she eases down the hall, antique floorboards creaking beneath her sensible heels, Marilyn remembers the way Joe called her after his first date with Jack. Mama, there’s something about this one–I just know he’s going to change everything for me. And he did, Marilyn thinks. Perhaps not in the way either of them would have guessed or wanted, but Jack certainly did change everything. 

And it’s Jack that Marilyn is worried about now.  

She knocks gently on the old-fashioned coffered door of Jack’s room. He and Joe have been staying separately since they arrived at the wedding venue–a nod to tradition–but Marilyn has a suspicion that it’s given Jack too much time in his own head. 

She’s right, of course. She knows both her boys better than they know themselves. 

“Come in.” Jack’s voice wavers a little behind the door, and Marilyn grants herself the luxury of a sigh before she enters. 

Jack is perched on the edge of the bed in his own navy suit pants and white dress shirt, but still in his stocking feet. He doesn’t look up when Marilyn comes in; he’s too busy fidgeting with his cufflinks. 

“Can I help, sweetheart?” Marilyn asks. She sets the boutonniere on a wooden washstand outfitted with an old pitcher and ewer. 

Jack looks up then, and Marilyn tries not to wince when she sees the harried state of his face. There are phantom smudges of dark circles beneath his pretty blue eyes, and when he tries to smile, his face crumbles. 

“Mama–” 

Marilyn is across the room in an instant. She sits beside Jack on the bed and gathers him into her arms. When his face presses against her shoulder, she can feel his sweat through the silk shoulder of her dress. 

“Oh, now. What’s all this?” she asks. She smooths the sweat damp hair on the back of his neck, and when her hand dips between his shoulder blades, she feels his sob coming even before she hears it. “Jack–” 

“He can’t do this,” Jack murmurs. “I can’t let him do this.” 

Marilyn’s heart sinks, and she moves her grip to Jack’s shoulders, forcing him backward to look at her. “Do what, honey?” she asks, even though she already knows the answer. 

“He shouldn’t–we shouldn’t–I’m not–you–Mama, I–” 

Jack’s breath is too fast, and he loses his words in another sob, even though he tries to muffle the sound. 

“Jack–” 

“I shouldn’t have asked him,” Jack manages. “He thinks he has to–” 

“Jack!” Marilyn’s hand goes to Jack’s cheek, and she uses her thumb to brush away his tears. “Honey, where is this coming from?”

Jack squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head. “I didn’t think. I just–I wanted him so bad, I couldn’t help it.”

“Oh, sweetheart. He wants you too. More than anything. I thought you knew that.” 

“He wants who I used to be,” Jack whispers. 

His chin falls to his chest, and Marilyn’s heart falls with it. Maybe she doesn’t know so much about the things Jack’s been through–though she certainly knows more than she wants to–but she knows what it is to lose hold of yourself. To want something that will never come back. She knows how frightening that want can make every subsequent step, because every step away from where you’ve been is a step farther from what you know. 

But she had Joe when she took those steps, and she did it for him. Jack has Joe too, and this Joe–well, Jack’s Joe is stronger than he’s ever been. Jack is stronger than he knows, but if he can’t see it, Marilyn knows Joe can help him. 

“That isn’t true,” Marilyn says gently. 

“No,” Jack scoffs, “he probably doesn’t even want that.”

“Jack,” Marilyn says, her voice sharper than she means it to be. 

For just a second, she has half a mind to go down the hall to get Joe, to let him do the comforting, but she knows she shouldn’t. Joe shouldn’t see this. He would assume that it’s his fault, that he hasn’t done enough to make Jack feel safe, and Marilyn will not let him think that. At least, not anymore than he already does. The truth of the matter is that no one can protect Jack from himself, not even Joe. But Marilyn can protect Joe from this moment, and she will. 

“I’m no good for anyone. I’m not even any good to myself. It’s not fair to him. It’s–”

“Jack, stop it,” Marilyn chides. “You know that isn’t true.” 

“I don’t,” Jack whispers. 

“You do. In your heart of hearts. I know that, honey. You’re just afraid.” 

Jack looks at her with swimming eyes. “I am. Mama, do you–”

“What, sweetheart?” 

He touches his fingertips to the band of rough scar tissue at his throat, and he looks at her helplessly. 

“I can’t even wear a tie. To my own wedding. Because–” 

“Well, you look handsome either way,” Marilyn says lightly. 

“Oh, they made sure I was still handsome,” Jack snaps. “Just not–I’m not–” 

He dissolves into sobs again, and Marilyn folds him back into her arms. He doesn’t fight her, and she is glad. It was hard to keep from touching him when he came home, but she and Joe were both so careful with him. 

“Joe waited for you, sweetheart,” she murmurs into Jack’s hair. “He waited for you even after you came home. And he didn’t do it out of some misplaced sense of duty, although you and I both know he has one of those too.” Jack lets go a cheerless laugh, but Marilyn doesn’t hesitate: “He waited because he loves you, and he has always, always believed in the promise of your lives together.” 

Jack’s forehead grinds into Marilyn’s arm, and she presses a kiss to the crown of his head. The future is something that Jack is still struggling to reach for. He was told for so long that his future depended on other people’s whims that he’d stopped wondering what was ahead; it was probably easier not to imagine it, Marilyn thinks. But her Joe, he never stopped imagining his future with Jack. He couldn’t, even when Marilyn thought it might be better if he did. But she won’t admit that now. It was foolish to doubt them. 

“If you hadn’t come home,” Marilyn’s voice catches, and she steels herself, “if you hadn’t gotten better, he would have died, Jack. You’re two halves of the same whole, honey.” She squeezes Jack and laughs softly. “You’d think that a psychiatrist would be a bit more careful about codependency, but–” 

This time, Jack’s laugh is a little stronger. 

“There you are.” Marilyn rocks Jack back and forth in her arms, the way she used to rock Joe when he was a little boy. She wishes that Jack had been loved that way before Joe, but she is more than happy to make up for it now. She kisses his hair again, and she imagines he is the child he once was, that she’s stopping the pain before it ever starts. “And you know that you made yourself well again, don’t you? We were there to support you, but, Jack Kenyon, you are made of stronger stuff than anyone I’ve ever met.” 

“I don’t always feel strong,” Jack says softly. 

“You don’t have to. You just have to believe in the strength around you. Do you trust Joe?” 

Marilyn is almost certain she feels Jack’s cheeks rise in a smile. “Always.” 

“Then you trust him to make his own decisions, just like he trusts you,” Marilyn replies. Jack takes a deep breath, like he’s about to protest, and she shakes her head. “And trust his strength when you feel like you can’t trust your own. But I’m telling you now, sweetheart: you’ve got everything you need already inside of you. You always have.” 

Marilyn believes what she is saying. She thinks of what Jack must have been like as a boy, of his open heart and wide eyes, of the way he must have yearned for the love it felt like everyone else lucked into. She knows without knowing that he would have been a soft child, affectionate to a fault–until someone made him second guess what that affection really meant. But he survived. He’s survived so much, and he couldn’t have done that if he were not as strong as Marilyn knows he is. She only hopes Jack knows it too. 

He is quiet for a moment. Then, he wraps his arms around Marilyn’s waist. “Thank you.” 

Marilyn holds him close. “You’re always welcome, sweetheart.” 

“Is Joey ready?” 

“He can’t wait to see you.” 

“Really?” 

Jack’s voice is small, but it isn’t sad anymore; now, it’s full of wonder. Wonder at her Joe. At the love that Marilyn hopes Jack will someday reach for with greedy hands. 

Marilyn nods and pulls away, cupping Jack’s tear-stained cheek in her hand. “Really. He loves you so much.”

“I love him too.”

“I know you do.” 

Jack looks down at his knees. “It’s enough?” 

Marilyn tucks her fingers beneath his chin and forces him to meet her eyes. “You are more than enough, Jack. Please, try to believe that.” 

“I’ll try. I–I’ve been trying. It’s just hard sometimes.” 

“I know, honey. Just keep trying. That’s all Joe will ever ask.” 

“I will.” 

Marilyn leans forward to kiss Jack’s cheek. He closes his eyes again, and at once, Marilyn feels both lucky and sad; lucky that she is the one to show this boy what a mother’s love might look like, and sad that he hasn’t known it before now. 

Jack takes a shaky breath, and then he slips on his shoes, tying them slowly, carefully. He stands, smoothing his dress shirt and tucking the front into his navy slacks. He picks up the cufflinks again, and this time, he doesn’t struggle. His fingers are sure and steady. He looks so much stronger than when he came home, Marilyn thinks, and even though there are hints of what he went through–the scarring beneath his collar, the fine lines that have appeared too early–he is still handsome. His dark hair is thick and glossy again even if it is threaded with premature gray, and there’s the slightest hint of stubble on his lean jaw. Marilyn smiles: Joe is a lucky man. 

“You look wonderful, honey. Here, put on your coat. I brought something for you.” Marilyn grabs the clamshell and pops it open as Jack buttons the front of his jacket. She pins the boutonniere over Jack’s heart.  “Bear has one to match.” 

Jack’s breath catches. “Forget-me-nots.” 

“I thought–” 

“They’re perfect,” he whispers. He looks up, and even though his eyes are bright with tears, there’s a smile on his face. “I didn’t forget.” 

“Neither did he,” Marilyn answers. There is more to say, but now is not the time. Instead, she sniffs and pats her hands on the flat plane of Jack’s chest. “Now, you’d better get out there and have that first look. Don’t keep Joe waiting.”

“Never again.” 

Jack squeezes Marilyn’s hand as he goes, and then she is alone. 

They’re here, she thinks. They’ve done it. 

She moves to the window. It faces the courtyard below, and she can see Joe leaning against the flat of a whitewashed brick corner. The photographer is speaking to him. Joe is smiling and laughing, and then, the photographer sees Jack approaching and presses a finger to her own smiling lips. 

She says something that Marilyn can’t hear, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters except her boys. Joe reaches his arm along the wall, and Marilyn watches as the photographer talks Jack through his paces until his back is flat against the other side of the corner, his fingers stretching toward Joe’s. 

Their hands touch, and Joe can hardly stand it; Marilyn can see his tears from here. His knees buckle, and at once, Jack is around the corner, kneeling with him, wrapping his arms around Joe and holding him close. Their pants will need a thorough dusting before the ceremony, but that’s the last thing anyone is thinking of. 

The photographer steps back, and Joe’s hands are on Jack’s face. His lips move, and Jack nods, his hands firm on Joe’s shoulders. There is a flash, but the boys don’t react. All they can see is each other, and they are smiling through their tears. 

taglist: @oddsconvert, @darkthingshappen, @whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump, @sparrowsage, @aut0psy1, @mylifeisonthebookshelf, @termsnconditions-apply, @darlingwhump, @squishablesunbeam, @dont-be-gentle-please, @deltaxxk, @irishwhiskeygrl, @keeper-of-all-the-random-things, @hold-him-down, @peachy-panic, @whumpyblogthing, @sowhumpful, @considerablecolors, @ramadiiiisme, @sunnie, @sadboysanonymous, @panic-whump

[phobiasupdates]

!Omori AU Dump! pt. 1

This is an AU dump for A Bouquet of Rotten Diphylleia, made solely by me. I will also post all chapters here once I finish and re-edit them, that way those who don't use Ao3, or don't like Ao3, can read it.

This is basically going to be one of five(?) large AU dumps that I do for ABoRD. I don't exactly plan to continue the series, which is why I'm making this, just for anyone who might be curious of the lore.

(AU dump below cut)

This AU mainly derives from the fact that Mari committed suicide, and was not killed by Sunny, nor framed by Basil.

Sunny and Basil were the two who found Mari's hanged body the week of the recital, which still kind of links the two through her death. Sunny blames himself for Mari's commitment considering the fact that he had been the one not wanting to do the recital. Doesn't help that Sunny was the only one who knew that she had tried to commit a year before and had only been unsuccessful because Sunny had managed to stop her before she could. (She tried to drown herself in the lake, but Sunny had found her at the lake's edge.)

Sunny had created whitespace first to desensitize himself from the outside world. He hated the thought of Mari having actually committed. Hated the thought that he could've been the cause. He decided to turn to his own mind, where he could make up delusions and fantasies. He basically altered all of his recollections and memories of Mari, making her a "happier" person overall. Much more like canon Mari is in the game, minus the numerous Something references and underlying sense of "this isn't right" the game gives.

After making himself a blank-ish slate, he created Headspace. He realized that he himself was starting to feel overall worse and needed something to drive him away from the thoughts of self-harm and suicide. He feels guilty feeling those emotions since it always reminds him of Mari, and he knows it isn't exactly a healthy way to think.

Whitespace quickly turned into "Grayspace" an AU adaptation of his faltering mentality. He knows he is repressing everything, knows that it isn't right. It makes him feel guilty, which makes it difficult for him to disconnect from reality. He's very aware that he is mentally messed up, and that in itself creates a loop of relapsing.

Blackspace is where he goes when he has a particularly bad relapse, of which he's very aware of its presence. He knows Stranger and the Somethings, even talks to them. This differs from the in-game interactions where he like... never really interacts with them. Omori is also a Blackspace entity, mostly his voice of reasoning, and is not the vessel he uses for himself within Headspace. (Sunny is Sunny)

Basil visits during his years of isolation, creating a sort of co-dependency on the flower boy's side. He feels like he can really only confide in Sunny with most things considering the secrets they share between each other. (Sunny telling Basil that Mari had been suicidal for years. Basil confessing that he thinks about committing more often than not. Sunny telling Basil about headspace. Basil updating Sunny on everything that happens in Faraway. And more.)

At some point Sunny does re-emerge, about when he's 17 in this AU, and tries to catch up in his academics. He's able to finish all of middle/high school within two years since Basil had helped Sunny with his education during his Hikikomori phase. They both got back together with Aubrey and Kel during the time Sunny began to catch up in school, of which they all made a pact to wait for Sunny to finish school before they would all then go to college together.

During college, this dependency between Sunny and Basil grows into a twisted mangle of vines, where they eventually end up going to college. They room together for money reasons... and their festering dependency on one another.

The fic for this specifically takes place during the college phase, meant to show the bigger impact the trauma and dependency had on the two of them. Aka, how Basil's sickness had really only set in after Mari's death due to stress, anxiety, and the overall lack of self-care. (It's hinted at that Basil doesn't take his prescriptions.) And that Sunny's become a less emotional person who clings onto Basil for support. (You can see this in Sunny's POV, as he focuses very intently on Basil no matter what happens. He's less focused on his own emotions and words, and is much more intent on dissecting Basil's every movement.)

(Part 1 of 5)

Part 2 will focus on the details of Mari and Sunny's relationship, and why she had even committed in the first place.

Part 3 will focus on Sunny and Basil's growing dependency for the other over the year.

Part 4 will focus on Whitespace, Grayspace, Headspace, and Blackspace, both creation, design, and interaction-wise.

Part 5 will explain the college segment and A Bouquet of Rotten Diphylleia, will also include the official ending to this AU. (Hint: It's not a happy one.)

Thanks for reading through this, and showing some interest in this AU! (AU is called ABoRD)

My main blog is @faceyourphobia, where I ramble and actually interact with people. (This is my update/writing blog, so please reach out to my main blog if you want to get to know me!)

[silas-png]

trauma dump? ig? idk anymore im too tired for this

FOR CONTEXT: I'm a minor-- I will not say what exact age out of privacy reasons-- and going through a conflicting time for myself. I would like opinions, honest opinions if you have the time to read this essay of a trauma dump. If you don't want to, scroll past, by all means.

I really just want to know what's going on. I've looked it up on Google and researched several websites and from my experiences, it seems like it could be psychological trauma/ abuse, or parental manipulation, but that's just a guess. I, unfortunately, cannot seek professional help solely because I don't want my parents to treat me worse because of them finding out about my accusations.

---

Can parents support your gender identity and still be homophobic in action towards you? 'Cause like, my parents and family use my chosen name and chosen pronouns, but my parents tend to often gaslight me and/ or manipulate me(saying things along the lines of "I guess I'm just a bad parent", "You're only saying sorry to yourself" and never apologizing for their actions or taking the time to say the simple word of 'sorry')-- this all started after I came out-- and have never believed a word I say. They also place blame on me for things I didn't do sometimes and often bring up past events or faults that I have simply because. On top of this-- and a part that I honestly understand-- my parents do not allow me access to gender-affirming care or hormone-blocking pills. This is because I live in a homophobic state, but the only off thing about this is I have a friend who's trans and taking the Big T and hormone blockers, and he's not an adult.

On the topic of being trans-- or just LGBTQ+ in general-- my parents did not believe me at first. They thought I was being influenced by my transgender cousin, and straight up told me that I was wrong about myself. Then, after I came out as trans to them, they started to take me more seriously-- solely because of the situation in which I came out the second time. Which was them finding out I was self-harming-- it was a whole thing, they both found out I was doing that and was trans that day. funny story, actually, i still have trauma from that day.

My parents tend to blame all of my actions on my being a teenager and blame all of their actions on the fact that I'm a teenager. My parents also have the tendency to shrug off all of my mental health problems. For example-- and for those uncomfortable with the topic of sh, please skip past this to the next paragraph-- I used to self-harm for a couple years-- from ages 12-13/14. My parents found out twice and both times they did nothing. The second time I got a firm scolding from my mom, and my dad was disappointed. Since then they have never bothered to check up on how I'm doing mentally, or even bothered to care, for that matter.

My younger brother-- who's 11-- has become more aggressive in words towards me and very often finds some random reason to tear down my self-esteem-- knowing it's already low-- and he used to use my dead name as a form of making fun of me. As well as this, he's gained a sort of god complex over me. He seems to think that he's better than me, and it confuses me. He also does this then acts like nothing happened when my parents walk by, and he gets away with it. However, as soon as I make a jab at him, he's sobbing for my parents or straight up screaming insult after insult at me.

Also, for the record, my parents treat him better than they treat me because he's emotionally sensitive and I'm a bit of a bottler when it comes to emotions. However, they also treat him with more attention because he has an abundance of medical problems, but because of this they treat me like dogwater and him almost like the golden child. So, I want to know, am I just being jealous and/ or overreacting, or is this actually a problem?

[beckyblah]

How do you feel about the latest lore stream? About c!Tommy and c!Dreams last moments

Short answer: it was really bad and a bit hurtful, honestly

-

Long answer: It really stinks that this was the ending but I personally was bit braced for it. Tom-the-guy had talked about how he was going to kill cTommy during the original disc finale back in January 2021, so I was sort of prepped for him dying. That said, still sucks that he had such a bleak story. I also think that it was kneecapped by the fact that Big CCs - either Dream or Tommy - really wanted season 2 to be a "continuation" of season 1 without any of the baggage. Imo, it could have just been a full reset, but working within the constraints they set for themselves really robbed the audience of any conclusion or resolution. On top of that, by making everyone forget the events of season 1, the server basically reset to zero. It undid everything in the story and caused cTommy's story to lose a lot of the meaning it had. It ended up being suffering for no real reason. Often stories that reset or have everyone forget are either about the little enjoyments in life, or are about brutal nihilism. In this case, while I think cc!Tommy tried to address the former - that things ending and dying is ok - he missed the mark simply by having his character have been so beaten down and hurt.

To add insult to injury, that cTommy's last words to the man who tortured him as a teenager, who murdered him multiple times, and would never ever feel bad about those things was that he was "sorry." That really, really sucks. I personally think that Tom-the-guy did NOT mean for that to come across as forgiveness or even true understanding, but that it was supposed to mirror the end fight in No Way Home. It was meant to be that superhero story trope of being better than the bad guy, and rising above them. I think personally he was trying to write cTommy as kind and self-sacrificial and a True Hero. But for a myriad of reasons that did not come across well and it felt a lot more harmful than I believe it was ever meant to be.

Both things compounded to make the end just so absolutely depressing and hurtful to watch that I honestly cannot blame people for some of the reactions that I'm seeing. And it fucking sucks to see people see it as a somehow "good" ending. Or worse, using it as an excuse to spout straight-up abuse apologism.

All this to say that while I do think it was bad, and I do think people are valid when they're hurt by this ending, I personally don't think it was purposefully cruel. I think it was a very earnest swing and a miss on an ending that needed to wrap up a lot of story in a short amount of time, with a lot of constraints, and all the dialogue had to be improv'd live in front of thousands of people. And I could be even more charitable and say that cTommy was a character whose deep and upsetting trauma was written by a privileged 16 year old, who almost certainly had no idea what he was getting himself into, but who tried to do some justice by the character he had written. I could be uncharitable, too, but frankly I've got a bad case of CC bias so I'm Being Nice To Him.

[macawritesupdates]

Hello! I still have more to say on the latest chapter of Historically Inaccurate. Sukuna trying to teach the reverse curse technique was great but I wonder how he feels about the whole stuck in Yuuji's body in the future situation the comment he made about not teaching his cursed technique because Yuuji might use it against him was a bit of an emotional blow. He's aware that they're enemies. I wonder what that's like. (Side note I'm a trained chef and dear God I would kill for Sukuna's cursed technique Ok do you know how much time it would save me if I could just wave my hand and instantly cut up all my ingredients. I used to joke that half my day was just spent cutting onions and carrots but it was only barely a joke ok, and that's just the veg I also had to cut up meat and herbs and the like. I could make ten times the number of recipes if I didn't have to spend time cutting.) Ahh, but the ever growing concern as Yuuji tried but just couldn't get it hurt so bad. Sukuna's back story was so painful. No wonder he hates seeing Yuuji slowly wasting away. Again, I have to wonder how future Sukuna is handling this. That man is going to be completely insane by the time they get back to the future, and I can't even blame him tbh. I went back to reread some of the interactions between future Sukuna and Yuuji and oh god I feel so bad for him oddly enough even though it hurts those are some of my favorite scenes in the whole fic getting to see him slowly growing more attached to Yuuji is great. I liked all the little moments where you can tell he's trying like when Yuuji gets back from lunch with Megumi and Sukuna asks Him what he's going to do to make him understand his mental state, he's trying to reach out he's just bad at it. Or when Yuuji has His panic attack after his talk with Maki and Sukuna drags him into the domain, I think that he was trying to draw Yuuji into a conversation with that little insult. Ahhh he's trying to reach out but Yuuji is too hurt and burnt out to reach back so his attempts fall flat or worse cause Yuuji to lash out hurting both of them in the process. Anyway back to the current chapter it seems like Yuuji has had a breakthrough with realizing that the Sukunas are the same person just one has so much more trauma, yayy. I mean he seems uncomfortable with it but at least he sees it now that's progress. Sukuna telling Yuuji he should take his future Self to see the fireworks was nice love the idea of Sukuna wingmanning for Sukuna. Honestly I think it'd be reasonable for Sukuna to fight Sukuna but he's got to put some of that self loathing aside because the only way for this story to end happily as far as I can see is for Yuuji and future Sukuna to make it work. That might be a little hard if past Sukuna spends his whole time in the future punching himself I certainly hope he gets a few (verbal) blows in but after that I hope he goes back to wingmanning. (1)

As someone who worked part-time as a prep chef for a number of years...being able to slice quickly would have been beautiful and saved me hours of chopping an ungodly amount of produce for lunch prep 83 (especially onions. Hate onions. My eyes BURN)

And yeah, I make a lot of different Sukuna backstories as I can image it going all sorts of different ways and I doubt we are going to get concrete answers lol This one seemed fitting for this fic!

Sukuna in the past sees present Sukuna as ...just himself. Like going "Oh god, that's me!" and realizing this is the trauma that awaits and desperately wanting to do damage control ; w ; why he makes the comment about "spoiling the story" because he sees where it is going...

Will see if they can manage to get it to work!

[firerwolf]

So I finished The Golden City. My basic review is that it’s a good book. Not super long but I tore through it which is saying a lot. Desert Oath wasn’t much longer and that took me a few months to finish its well paced, all the original characters from it are good, and it’s a book about Hytham so always a plus. So before I say anything negative I want to be clear I very much recommend this book.

So first I'm gonna talk about just the generally good. The mystery of how is the enemy and who can be trusted is good. The writing is good. There's only one scene that's sort of stupid but it doesn't detract from the book as a whole. The side characters like the empress and Thyra aren't really characters, you never really get to know either of them but Justin and Leo are both good characters and that's good because they're in the book a lot.

Hytham in this book is great. He's the kind and caring man that made him a good character in Valhalla. He's a skilled fighter showing us really how much he lost when he failed his assassination attempt in Norway and it makes him more tragic. He comes off as even more tragic when, as is basically the only thing people mention, he makes a mistake and endangers the mission(more on that when I start talking about spoiler stuff) and he takes on all the blame for it and like a child who's been yelled at by their parents in the past and is terrified to bring home a test he got a B+ on he's terrified that he'll basically be kicked out of the Hidden Ones. It's all made worse because Basim also refuses to talk to him after his mistake. So then you get to England where after failing and getting himself basically crippled Basim then completely abandons Hytham. So Hytham is left feeling like he's being punished for a failure for all of Valhalla.

The negative is that the book doesn't really have to much of a conversation about the merits of Hytham's more emotional way as an assassin than Basim's emotionless version. There is only one line in the book after Hytham's mistake where he asserts that he believes caring should be a part of their creed but it's never really a conversation. Which it feels like there really should have been and it's missing. There's also nothing about Hytham's past. Like we learn more about Basim's history than Hytham which is sad because he's pretty clearly not going to be in Mirage and Ubisoft seems uninterested in his history so I wish the author had given us something. I mean you could infer from his self hatred that he's either in some way neurodivergent or he's the son of emotionally abusive parents. But even though he's around a child he never thinks of his own parents. Sort of gives the feeling that in the Last Chapter they really just pulled the 'orphan' thing out of their asses and they never had a plan.

Basim, if you like him you'll like him in this book and if you dislike him like me you'll maybe see it as he's a complete ass hole in this book. Both work. Like this book isn't going to change your opinion of Basim. Well it might make it more negative if you're like me and you think things through and if you read all the way through I promise to rant about why I came out thinking he's a monster. But for Basim's part he's not really in the book a lot. He's off getting information for the most part but he is present for major events. There is some of Hytham commenting on how unnatural Basim is and sympathy for his clear pass trauma but it really doesn't feel like Hytham really gets to know Basim.

So on to spoiler stuff. I'm gonna start with Hytham. So part way through the book Hytham has them follow Justin and they save him but it turns out that it was a diversion to try to assassinate the kid. So they run back, Hytham gets hurt but saves the kid, and then two assassin's get away. Basim orders him to say with the kid and Hytham says they should go after the injured assassins. For some reason Basim claims this is Hytham getting to emotional and forgetting their mission. But the thing is he isn't. While Hytham is emotional about having saved the kid he's not really emotional about chasing the assassin. It's not an illogical suggestion. But then Basim says he's making it personal but the reality is he isn't. This will come back later when I get to why this makes me think he's a monster because it comes off manipulative and accusatory in order to provoke Hytham. Because it doesn't come from anything logical to claim this as being personal. Not to say he isn't emotional, because he reacts emotionally to the accusation but going after injured enemies that could have information isn't crazy. Oh, also he doesn't get to kill the leader of the order, that for no reason is given to Basim, which means he literally doesn't make a single significant kill anywhere in the series.

Everything else I have to say is connected to Basim but before I lay out how he can come off as a monster in this book I just wanna talk about how this book helped me realize why I don't like him. Basim suffers from a bad case of 'main character' syndrome despite being a side character. That means he claims to have negatives, but he doesn't or they aren't negatives. So at one point he says he arrogant and to a degree he is but nothing arrogant he does have any negative side effects. Everything works out. He never struggles in a fight, never is wrong, and he never takes the blame. Like Hytham's big mistake is partially Basim's fault but at no point does Basim ever really admit that. He only claims that his failing is not keeping Hytham from getting attached to a child which Hytham points out is a stupid request. So he's basically a flawless character and at the end he magically makes everything work out. It just makes him a bad character to me. And the fact that he's using that main character power callously sucks. It makes it clear that the Basim that some fans like is going to have to be nothing like the one in Valhalla if Mirage isn't going to be a super boring game. Ezio, Arno, the twins, Bayek, even Kassandra and Eivor are all flawed characters who's flaws are present and they do fail even when they're trying. Having a flawed character at the helm is a key part of the games and Basim just isn't flawed. It just explains why hearing a game is going to be about him was not exciting for me.

Now lets get to why I feel like Basim can be viewed as a monster based on this book. So at the very end it turns out that Basim somehow made everything playout exactly how he wants it to. He perfectly saves the kid, makes him and Justin beloved by the people, makes the vikings look good, makes the emperor look good, and it was all made to happen by him and he knew it would all work out because he's just so special and such a great assassin. The thing is that if he was able to do all that and get what he wants then it makes the path Hytham takes to being willing to not tattle to the Hidden Ones and even support his viking obsession suspect. Because the path is that Hytham wants to follow the assassin's, Basim says no, Hytham reveals that he has been given a mission by the Hidden Ones to watch Basim in an emotional moment, then Basim cruelly reveals to Hytham that he knew all along because he finds Hytham really easy to read, then insults him and says that he's not competent, and then just walks away.

Thing is that if Basim knows Hytham so well then how would he not know that Hytham would follow the assassin. Maybe he didn't know that Hytham would get captured, threatened, injured, and nearly tortured by the Order but he did know something would happen and he'd have grounds to be mad. Not to mention that Hytham regularly asks why Basim came for him and Basim's response is suspect because, again, he's such a super ubber assassin. Because Basim brings the child to the rescue putting him in danger and traumatizing him which further puts Hytham in a position where he hates and blames himself for the events. And then Basim leaves Hytham with no contact, making him feel worse about his failure and when they do meet up finally they have like a fight, not a spar because Basim could have killed him a few times but Hytham barely survived, and then once Hytham is tried and beaten Basim then makes some claims that could very easily be lies. Performances. He claims he should have some of the blame, which he never actually takes for his failure, and that he saved Hytham because he's still useful to the Hidden ones and him. And Hytham believes this, he claims that the tone isn't like he's just a tool but Basim literally told him that the only reason why he didn't reveal he knew Hytham was watching him is because the Hidden Ones would send someone more competent. With the full context it makes it seem like Basim only saved him because he would have to deal with someone more skilled. And because Basim really hasn't done anything to make his tone trustworthy then how Hytham reads him is untrustworthy. Basim makes it clear he knows how to manipulate Hytham. So he uses that beaten down and in debt way that Hytham is to make him go along with his plan to use the child as bait and that plan works perfectly. And that plan working perfectly makes Hytham feel even more in debt to Basim basically making Hytham fully manipulated into a pawn for Basim to the point Hytham is the one that pushes them to go to the vikings.

It's the problem with him being so flawless is that there is no moment where it feels like Hytham for sure is seeing the real man or couldn't be being used. Because Basim is shown to always be manipulating. This also leads into the game which makes Basim even worse. It means he likely did dump the assassination on Hytham of Kjotva. The game could have put some effort in to give a reason why Hytham even tried to assassinate him which it didn't so even if we assume that was Hytham's misjudgment it makes everything in England just Basim fully discarding Hytham as he talked to him once in England and then completely abandons him. And as he supposedly knows Hytham so well he'd know how his abandonment would be seen but he doesn't care. It also could be stretched to the claim that he knew then that Sigurd would be taken by Fulke and tortured which would eventually give him what he wants. The thing is that when things work out for a character perfectly and you establish that they can get whatever they want by choice and their actions when they get that stuff through the suffering of others it makes you look pretty fucking awful.

Of course I do tend to over analyze, and I don't really like Basim or how he treats Hytham. But I am entitled to my own reading of the text so...That's it. It should be clear that not liking Basim makes me not really see this as a negative. I thought he as a jerk so thinking he's a turbo jerk is just more of what i viewed. But that is my opinion so feel free to not think that it read that way. I'm entitled to my view and you're entitled to yours.

Anyways, go read the book.

[maschotch]

if you have headcanons about jack growing up and how his relationship with hotch ends up i would love to hear it

i think a significant aspect of jack’s transition to adulthood is the process of unraveling his father’s trauma. alkjsdh it’s unfortunate to be stifled by a burden that shouldn’t be his own, but so much about hotch is related to wounds inflicted over the years that he never cared to fully heal. as much as he hates it, it’s inevitable that at least some of it would affect his son. he may be reluctant to address any of it, much less reveal it to his son, but i like to think hotch is a caring enough father to battle his inner demons for jack’s sake. adolescence is difficult enough—hotch’s refusal to recover would drastically impact his son’s life for the worse

for most of the show jack idolized his dad a ridiculous amount akshjdlgakj like it was definitely some media magic how much that boy loved his dad. it was for the sake of keeping hotch on the show—it’s more acceptable for hotch to traipse around catching killers if his son is ok with him being gone all the time (they do a similar thing with matt and his family). and fine, whatever, i’m alright w that. its a clean and easy way to sweep that load of potential problems under the rug. but thats what makes it so much worse when jack Does start to have issues. its heartbreaking that the last time we see hotch and jack, theyre not really on speaking terms 

its not like hotch didnt see this coming. as much as id like to see him drowning in misery ashdgljad he’s more practical than self deprecating. he knows what to expect as a child develops, he knows the adoring way his son looks at him will take a sharp turn eventually. at some point all kids realize that their parents arent gods, arent heroes, arent perfect, and that they make mistakes. and they start to resent them. and hotch knows more than anyone that jack has so much to resent him for 

witness protection will bring up a lot of painful memories for both of them—maybe ones jack had forgotten about since he was so young. but repeating the same pattern, having his life ripped away and relying on a parent for any sense of stability, has got to be triggering for him. he’s gotta be overwhelmed with conflicting emotions: anger at hotch’s past failures, fear of his remaining parent being taken the same way his mom was. while it sucks for jack aksjhdglj that fear would stop him from cutting hotch off completely, no matter how much jack blames him for

he’s around 10 when we see him last, so he’s hitting his teenage angst a little early, but i think it’s fitting that he gets it out of the way. the very real very present danger will force them to confront issues both of them might otherwise suppress. they only have each other to rely on so they have to clear the air eventually. but i think there’s a lot of stumbling along the way: the sharp venom of vindictiveness has to hit its target a few times before jack’s satisfied, even if he knows it’s unfair. he’s just a kid. forced to mature faster than others, but he can still be petty. he needs to make hotch hurt because he’s young and feels betrayed by his own foolish admiration of a foolish man just as capable of mistakes as anyone

hotch understands. he blames himself just as much if not more for haley’s death. but i think hotch’s acceptance of jack’s anger would only make things worse. he’d react the way haley would (which is extra fun for hotch kajhlfdjg). he’ll be upset that hotch wont defend himself, that hotch won’t deny anything or fight back. that’s because jack, privy to a world broader than he once realized, needs to process the shock of losing veneration for his father before he can come to terms with any sort of sympathetic reasoning of events. he lived his childhood from the rose tinted perspective of absolute trust: he has to see things in black and white before accepting that there are colors beyond that

again, hotch knows all this. he knows it will be a while before jack’s willing to accept any explanation—and that’s if hotch is even willing to provide one. jack may not get the full picture, but hotch might feel like sharing his side of the story would just be hiding behind excuses. i imagine if he ever did, it wouldn’t be planned or thought out at all. likely it’s just jack asking questions during a fragile moment and hotch cant bring himself to deny his son anything 

with a direct confrontation, hotch decides it's time to be honest with his son. he wishes he had more time to prepare; jack may be ready but HE’S certainly not ready for this conversation yet, even if he knew it was coming. but he has to think of jack first, the way he’s always tried to. and this is what jack needs now. not excuses or defenses, just honest explanation: a confession of all his weaknesses and failings. the insecurities and doubts. he doesnt want to overwhelm the kid, but jack deserves an explanation of the truth of it all. he talks about what his job meant for him and why he was so devoted to it. he talks about foyet and how it was the fault of a man, not a monster, but including the choices hotch made to get them to that point and why he’s still guilty for it. he talks about the healthy and unhealthy ways to cope with loss and grief and negativity. how you’re not supposed to let it take over your life or liet it control you. how it’s a lesson hotch hasn’t quite learn himself. but how he doesn’t want jack to end up like him. how he wants jack to be better, how he wants the world for him, how everything he does is for his sake, even if he makes mistakes along the way. how hotch isnt a hero, he’s just a man. and man isnt perfect. 

i imagine he’s around 12-14 when they have this conversation? jack’s already had to deal with so much and hotch doesnt want him growing up with all those questions burning up inside. he knows jack’s young so he simplifies it a little and leaves out some of the darker stuff (like the extent of his injuries during foyet’s attack and the role hotch’s own childhood plays in all this). but jack doesnt want to be treated like a child anymore. hotch is aware that transparency is what will save their relationship.

things go a little smoother after that. jack will still have his teenage mood swings, he’ll snap at his dad, making some hateful but misdirected comments. but he’ll be more understanding. he’ll say sorry faster, knowing a little more about how his words may affect his father. 

hotch of course worries that he’s said too much too soon. he doesn’t want to overburden him with all of his fucking baggage. but it’s kind of an inescapable part of being a parent. their circumstances just happened to call for it earlier than it shouldve been. but it helps hotch too. bc now that he’s explained the problems that he has and the things he’s continuing to work through, he feels more obligated to actually work on himself and show that progress can be made. he wants to set a good example. 

i dont think it's until much later that hotch talks about his own experiences growing up. it's not a part of his life he ever planned on sharing—not with anyone, much less his son. but jack is 17-19 and just as quick as his father. he can put the pieces together and has some idea of what happened, vague as it may  be. hotch is more subtle than some of the others about the impact his childhood has left on him, but jack has grown up needing to read between the lines to truly understand his father’s feelings: jack can read hotch better than most others because he’s grown up with him. he’s more comfortable being open with his dad now, he’s more willing to ask difficult questions. their relationship is strong and he’s sure it’ll take whatever this conversation leaves them with. they’ll make it. so jack sits with his dad at the table and asks his questions. hotch has barely talked about this with anyone before and he doesnt want to frighten his child with it, even if he’s more of an adult now than hotch is willing to admit. but jack is firm and determined. he thinks he can kelp his father somehow (and god. that just kills hotch. to think that his son is so worried for him. loving and kind, but still naive). taking deep breaths and willing himself not to break down, he begins to answer

[veliseraptor]

Given the tags for that post about the detrimental effects of demonic cultivation, and possibly the Yin Hufu/Yin Iron in particular, what bearing do you think that had on Xue Yang during his stint as resident demonic cultivator for the Wen and the Jin, versus doing less and possibly not having the Yin Hufu on him during the first three years in Yi City? Any significant variation between the novel and CQL timeline of events?

ooh this is an interesting one. forgive me for taking approximately ever to answer it! and as always this is kinda me talking without a truly comprehensive knowledge of a lot of cultural context here, just based on, like, what I’ve read and my own interpretive lens, so, grain of salt and all that.

BUT SINCE YOU ASKED FOR MY ONION

in general I’m averse to attributing too much of a characters’ behavior to external influence, i.e. the evil metal made them do it. I just tend to find it kind of unsatisfying and I’m so deeply obsessed with choice (and the limitations of choice, to be sure, but not usually that kind of magical intervention limitation) that I think it just doesn’t make for the kind of story I find interesting.

as far as Xue Yang goes...it’s a good question. I tend to go with “he’s just kinda like that but also consistently fucking around with demonic cultivation since childhood didn’t help, along with all the other things that didn’t help.” I mean, in general I think Xue Yang was sort of set up to fail in all kinds of ways from the get-go, and the use of demonic cultivation is more of a continuation of a tendency than something that dramatically altered him as a person.

a Xue Yang who never touched demonic cultivation I think is still likely to have violent tendencies and a pretty short fuse, basically, though maybe he’d regulate a little better (but that also depends on what’s going on in the rest of his life).

(like, I tend to think, similarly, that there’s a lot of weight as far as Wei Wuxian’s instability to be put on his trauma as much as anything else; I think the way I conceptualize it there’s a certain degree to which demonic cultivation’s effects on a person’s mental health are more like a finger on the scale than a deciding factor; i.e. if someone is already a little unstable in some way it’s going to make it a lot worse. this would potentially account for, for instance, how much more okay Wei Wuxian seems in the second life, despite the fact that he’s still using demonic cultivation.)

so if Xue Yang is already just sort of...like that, then I think there is potential for a sort of...feedback loop, where it becomes self-perpetuating. I also think to a certain extent in terms of, like, the way that Lan Wangji says that what Wei Wuxian is doing “harms the body” - yeah, probably that’s something that’s happening but Xue Yang is very much on the “live fast, die young” track of how he expects things to go. (really need to get around to writing that fic digging into my extensive feelings about Xue Yang’s relationship to his body because there’s I think a lot there.)

then when it comes to Yi City, when that practice is dialed back, combined with the fact that in general his life gets a lot more stable and he’s just generally...living better, in a lot of ways (happier, less stressed (I think, hilariously enough despite the fact that he’s living with his nemesis, but), and generally just more relaxed...I think are both contributing factors to a certain amount of evening out he does during that time.

basically I guess what I’m saying here is “I don’t think you can blame solely demonic cultivation/the Yin Iron/Yin Tiger Seal for Xue Yang being who he is, but I’m sure it wasn’t helping him either, and maybe he’d be a little more stable without that as a factor.”

as far as CQL versus novel, I’d be inclined to say that the Tiger Seal has much less to do with Xue Yang’s overall everything than it might in CQL, both because (a) his association with it is briefer and seems to be less extensive than it is as a throughline in the show and (b) the novel in general seems to be...more averse to putting weight on an artifact as evil than the show is. I think the novel is just...less inclined to treat the Tiger Seal as generative of evil influence in and of itself.

[astroninaaa]

chapter 4 of apologies from the intercom is out now

and i wanted to both advertise the fic again and make a lil thank you message for all the people that helped me with it because this was a hard chapter to write and i considered giving up on it many times so <3 here we go

okay so- apologies is a c!tubbo-centric fic and it’s mainly a character study on how c!tubbo’s trauma affects him and his relationships up until he has a breakdown. there are a lot of c!beeduo and c!cabinetduo bits because- beloveds, and then yeah! here are. some bits of the new chapter. it was my first time writing ranboo pov so it was HARD but i tried

Ranboo was sure no type of land, be it cursed, holy, salted, loved, or blown up, would be able to ever stop the president’s hands. When he closed his eyes, months later, he could still see the rough fingers full of splinters, the chipped nails, the steady movements as he placed block after block, fixed broken structure after broken structure, built building after building from the ground up. Never in his life had he been met with such motivation, such certainty, such love for ruined earth, he was sure of it — if he had, he wouldn’t have been able to forget it.

So the minutes man watched carefully as the president’s hands worked, putting up walls that his citizens relearned to call home, dirt under his short fingernails and messy to-do lists written down his arms. The scars looked like stars painted over careful canvas, an explosion of color underneath bruised skin and loving smiles.

and

The words got caught in his throat. Once again, Ranboo waited. Wilbur breathed in and out slowly, calming himself down.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think it’d feel— like this to talk about.”

Ranboo didn’t answer. Wilbur breathed in and out slowly one more time.

“The second rocket would’ve hit him square in the chest, too, but he put up his hands to try and protect himself. The damage to his right side was worse because his hands covered mostly his left. He died anyway. The blood stayed. So much blood, Ranboo. It— it dripped down the podium. Days after, I’d close my eyes and I’d just see the blood dripping down the podium.”

and

The mansion had been entirely designed to keep heat in and aggressive mobs out, warm rooms and safe staircases making up what had been built to be the perfect home. Michael’s toys were spread around the different bits of the house, child-proof railings and covers and everything of the sort protected every corner, and messily-taken, heart-warming pictures hung on the many walls. Furthermore, every hallway was adorned by different flowers, and Ranboo’s favorite ones stood on the first floor by Tubbo’s office, an intricate vase filled with pink tulips and alliums that brightened the entire area around them. It was a tiny detail, their respective favorite flowers intertwining and interlacing with one another, but it still made the enderman’s hands tremble with delicate contentment. It was always the little things, between the two of them.

:] please read??? please read??? i did my best

now onto the appreciation bit for all the help let’s GO under the cut tho

shoutout to:

@zrenia for beta-reading it oh my god thank you SO MUCH you helped so so so much i can’t thank you enough istg

@michaels-two-dads bro i can’t even START log if it wasn’t for you i don’t think i would’ve finished writing this dksjfsbjf just. the support and your excitement were really big motivators and it was great thank you so so so much i really appreciate you so much + getting closer to you has been really nice :]] i love you thank you

@aistandardcherry CHERRY MY BELOVED. CHERRY MY BELOVED. I LOVE YOU!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!! thank you for keeping up with my bullshit through it all. and for telling me to shut the fuck up when i started to get self-deprecating. you mean so much to me thank you :]

@catastrofhe for just. everything. you liveblogging my writing on discord dms was the highlight of my night last night istg- LMAOOO just. yeah thank you so much. for everything. i love you ig

cadence anon for the excitement and all. love you :]

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST @doodlebloo who accepted reading the first 3 chapters of apologies when i haven’t even started writing the fourth one and told me it was worth to keep writing it. that was. very lovely of you back then. thank you :]

and quick shoutout to all the people who commented and left nice tags on my first post advertising apologies, specially @manlet-rights-activist, @tubboblr, and @caampalyse. you guys might think your lil comments didn’t matter much but they meant the world to me while i was having a crisis thinking my writing sucked so!!!!!!! JKDSNFKJSDN just. thank you very much :] ye

please read this bullshit chapter i rage-wrote it in the span of a week after procrastinating and writing and deleting for two months i was gonna give up on writing forever and blame writing ranboo pov for it this was STRESSFUL OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

anyways have a good day guys!!! mwah

[fallout-drabbles-n-stuff]

Companions and their mental health statuses?

(Wrote this while listening to a Spotify playlist named "going absolutely fucking apeshit" anyway- I'm gonna split this up by what I think character wise...and then my experiences with these seggsy bitches in game bc boy, it's been wild)

Cait:

•Sufferer of severe trauma throughout her life.

•Shit just gets worse

•Fights for her life and has a strong love for psycho before a special someone convinced her she is worthy of being loved

•Trust issues out the wazoo..for sadly, good reasons.

•Maybe not the worst on the list, but definitely up there.

In game experience...

•GOD DAMN FALLOUT VERSION OF LYDIA- like seriously? Gtfo the doorway! I'm getting blown up!

•Hates everyone and everything except sole and breaking the law.

Curie:

•Actually not all that bad...except for secret abandonment issues.

•Usually masks it by burying herself in research.

•As far as these poor bastards go, she's probably one of the most mentally stable- which is scary.

In game experience.....

•Sweet Frenchie with asshole pets.

(I don't travel with her often 🥲)

Danse:

Pre-Blind Betrayal-

•Confirmed sufferer of PTSD

•Blames himself for the death of several team members.

•Evidence points towards un-talked about alcoholism.

•Seems to be attracted to power armour..

•Not very good but not the worst on this list..

Post-Blind Betrayal-

•Same as above but add on identity crisis times a thousand and two.

•Will literally kill himself (or let you kill him) if you don’t convince him otherwise.

In game experience....

•Fucking goes apeshit, pre or post BB

•Completely unaware of his surroundings unless it has to do with vertibirds flying over head, then it's time for guerrilla warfare. "Fate has decreed that you must die!"- he speaks, drawing a laser rifle.

•Has been caught on multiple instances doing drugs out of the drug vending machine in Nuka World despite clearly being against them.

Deacon:

•Probably one of the more mentally fucked.

•Lost his wife in front of his own eyes in a notably terrible way.

•Escapes his deep seeded pain through his elaborate schemes, justifying it by telling himself it helps his organization.

•Still feels like shit every waking minute.

•Cant really allow himself to get close to anyone because of his experiences.

In game experiences...

•Asshole

•Jumpscare king, mainly because I didn't know he changed outfits THAT often.

•Doesn't like physical affection???  Shit that actually makes sense..

•Stalker.

Gage:

•He's pretty "meh" on the sanity scale. He's ruthless, but he's entirely stable besides his attachment issues.

•Trusts too easy and hates himself for it...also tries to make himself not be that way and for the most part, it works!

•Problematic raider.

In game experience...

•Makes stupid comments at inappropriate times as though he wishes for the enemies to murder us

•Thinks that walking through walls is entirely possible and gets stuck every time I run with him

Hancock:

•The actual worst on this fine list of mentally messed up individuals.

•Self worth is just nonexistent despite being a pretty all around decent guy

•Uses drugs to cover up terrible trauma to the point of putting himself in the greatest danger just short of dying

•Oh yeah, doesn't mind death actually.

•Doesn't feel worthy of anything deep down.

in game experience...

•Shoots sole for stealing shit in the third rail

•Unhinged

•Sits for hours

Macready:

•Lost his wife in a horrific way

•Only has his son, who he is convinced is going to die sooner than later because of something he can't control

•Willing to do everything if it means caps to send to his sick child

•Doesn't really have a place to call his "home"

•Reckless and unforgiving

In game experience...

•Being nice? How dare you speak such ill language.

•Kleptomaniac

Maxson:

•Does as good as a boy his age with all of the responsibility possibly could.

•Just imagine- your dad died when you were super young. Your mother shipped your ass away. The people you loved like family died all around you. Now you're stuck in foreign land and have no fucking idea where to begin, only that you have to mobilize these fuckers you're in charge of and remain a good leader...

•Still not good enough? Okay, pile on insomnia, alcoholism, and the thought that you have no one alive that truly loves you as more than just the "elder". Oh, but you eventually got to spit out some kids somehow because you're the last of the great "Maxson" line...

•Also not exactly on the "stable" side..

In game experience...

•Stares intently down the Prydwen command deck with his hands behind his back..for hours.

•Never wants to chat :(

•Long winded and short sighted, bad combo..

Nick:

•Has to deal with not only demons that technically aren't even his, but after "reunions"- Kellogg's fucked up self haunts him. He keeps it to himself and suffers silently.

•Deals with the pain of knowing there will never be a place where is truly just himself. He's a man trapped inside of a metal cage..and yet he's not even really "that" man, is he?

•One could easily understand how he has some issues too.

In game experience...

•Cigarettes? Yes.

•Oh, Youre in a fight? Seems like a good time to tighten the bolts in my hand right about now...

•Wields a flamer like a champ.

Piper:

•Surprisingly..has the most sound mental state out of all.

•Is a little obsessive tho

•Has had to adapt to the role of sibling and parent to her younger sister, which isn't easy for anyone.

•Often delves into her work, sort of like curie, to avoid dealing with the pain of her parents no longer being there for her or nat.

In game experience..

•Hey kid, want some Nuka-Cola?

•Mayor McDonough shall die, even if it means execution by the hands of everyone else in Diamond City.

Preston:

•Has canonically admitted to considering suicide.

•Is holding onto the last threads of hope he has with a fucking death grip.

•Definitely not of the best mental state

In game experience...

•Doesn't know how to properly use furniture.

•Can hear sole coming from a mile away and is already getting the map out for the next settlement

X6-88:

•Emotions? Is that a snack?

•Seriously though, he has been "reset" so many times that sometimes-he doesn't even realize it- he doesn't even know what "he" is. Every aspect of who he is..it should be gone, he's a machine and he knows it...why does he still feel like a person?

•Short story, he hates life. He hates being held captive and being used like a damn hound to hunt down those who were smart enough to run- those of which he envied and didn't even realize he did. Hey, he's just a machine though- it's his job and he knows better than to revolt.

•Violence is the freedom he feel he has. He can kill and track in any way he wants, so long as it is successful and what the Institute deem appropriate. It's horrible, but he doesn't realize it- and at this point he doesn't care. The death of another and the way they die by his hand is just his way of expressing who he is deep down.

In game experience...

•Oi, you don't like the institue? FUCK YOU

[zeta-in-de-walls]

Analysis on Tommy’s character’s mental state as a result of the exile arc.

Hey guys, I often makes posts discussing Tommy’s character and one thing that absolutely can’t be ignored is how his character has been traumatised by his experiences during exile. So, I thought I’d discuss in depth and how it’s impacted his behaviour.

In exile Tommy usually described himself as lonely. This is somewhat true but it’s actually a little misleading if you take it at face value. It’s not really loneliness that was his main issue, that was just the easiest one to express. Indeed, people did visit, they just didn’t really help with the issues that were really plaguing him. And there were a few.

-Tommy felt powerless. He was weak and attempting to get stronger himself only lead his hard work to be wasted. Therefore, he was reliant on others for help, and was utterly unable to give them anything back for any help offered. 

He also felt trapped, he had to stay on the island so people could find him and visit him but he was not allowed to choose to send time with others himself. He was completely reliant on others deciding to visit him. (Him building not one but two bridges to make it easier for others to visit was all he could do to increase the odds of someone coming to see him.) It wasn’t just loneliness so much as it being something out of his control. 

-Tommy felt worthless. He felt like L’Manburg had just seen him as a liability and was increasingly feeling like they were better off without him. No one really cared about him. He didn’t feel like he had value anymore as a person. 

He didn’t want someone to visit him, he wanted someone to stay with him - he wanted to feel accepted, validated. That’s why he spent time making a guest tent, so people could spend the night. And was so ecstatic at Mexican Dream agreeing to live with him. 

-Tommy is a very clingy person. He’s extremely sociable and becomes attached really easily. He has a hard time letting go too. In exile he constantly missed Tubbo and obsessed over the fact that he hadn’t visited. Leaving on bad terms hurt him. He couldn’t resolve anything and instead his frustration and bitterness grew and grew. He was put into such an awful and dark mindset! Its during this that he lets himself grow attached to Dream instead, who subtly encourages him to believe Tubbo didn’t care. 

So, Tommy said he was lonely, but he was way more troubled than he let on. 

...

Dream also took advantage of Tommy and performed abusive actions that both confused and traumatised him. 

Dream forced him to drop his items, hitting him if he refused and threatening to kill him if he continued to resist. He then acted nice, protecting him, keeping him company and joking around with him.

He lent Tommy his pickaxe and trident. He helped Tommy get primes. He repeatedly blew up Tommy’s armour. He regularly destroyed any diamond tools Tommy got and talked about ‘letting’ him keep some things, like he was being generous. Dream talked about how L’Manburg was prospering with Tommy there, suggesting everyone had moved on while he was the one responsible for sabotaging Tommy’s relationships.

Dream acted like an authority figure, dressing up all his actions as reasonable and Tommy was at fault for making his actions necessary. He lied about Tubbo not caring about his compass. He promised to invite people to his party and then didn’t, letting Tommy believe they chose not to come. Dream’s actions left Tommy increasingly dependent on him, as he was both physically and emotionally very vulnerable (as Dream had induced) and Dream took advantage of it. Finally, when Tommy did a relatively minor act of rebellion, Dream blew up everything. He killed Mushroom Henry and destroyed anything else Tommy was attached to - his tent, the campsite Wilbur built, the prime log.

Now, one of Tommy’s key character flaws is that he is rather irrational. While he can be perceptive, he often gets driven by his emotions rather than logic. (Its part of why he gets attached to things so easily). Usually he doesn’t actually let his feelings control him, but the exile put him under huge emotional turmoil.

-Logically, he always knew that Dream was responsible. He never forgot anything, he was just struggling to process it.

Dream was acting like he cared and Tommy clung on to that. Even once with Techno he described his confusion at his exile and noted that he recalled all the events perfectly but was confused emotionally and basically wasn’t able to deal with his feelings on Dream at all. He knew he ought to hate Dream but wanted to trust him still. 

Thinking more on emotions is also why he took Tubbo exiling him so personally - just before Doomsday he apologised and said he understood why Tubbo did it (I think he said it was the right decision even) but at the time he was hurt and felt like Tubbo didn’t care about him. Tommy often acts in the heat of the moment but fixes things afterwards. The issue with his fight with Tubbo was that they were unable to see each other and therefore resolve things, causing it instead to fester and get worse. 

So, that’s basically what happened to him throughout exile, but how did this affect his actions? A few different ways.

-He became extremely depressed and almost ended his life. Though he ultimately chose against this, his sense of self-preservation is notably lower. He didn’t seem to be afraid at the possibility of dying during Doomsday. And he was also prepared to confront Dream again over his discs - he had nothing left to lose as far as he was concerned. Once Tommy realised that Dream didn’t want to kill him, he took full advantage of it. He walked up to Dream completely unarmoured while Dream was in full netherite and confidently ordered him around. He was not afraid of dying. And again, he threatened to kill himself if Dream didn’t return after already killing Dream twice. Tommy’s only slowly gaining back his zeal for living. 

-He became angry and lashed out. Jack visited him at one point and Tommy spleefed him into lava, killing him absolutely ruthlessly. This is not a nice anger, its a cold destructive one, a result of all his bitterness from his unjust suffering. A minute later, he can only ask, why did he do that? Sometimes, Tommy might seem meeker, but it’s just hiding pain and rage that comes out in the worst of ways.

When no one turns up to his party, Tommy destroys part of the bridge he built for people to visit as he’s angry and has no real way to lash out - it’s not logical but as Tommy expresses: if they really want to visit then they’ll have to make an effort. A few days later he builds another, not because he’s better but because he’s so desperate for company he doesn’t even care if they don’t really care as long as they show up. 

His actions while with Techno have him torturing Fundy and Connor, interrogating Ranboo and helping Techno release a wither on L’Manberg. This is not the normal Tommy. This is him releasing his bitterness and rage in a destructive way, with his twisted mindset being vaguely approved of by Technoblade (though even he thought Tommy was going too far!) 

-He grew unhealthily attached to anything that gave him any stability in his warped, messed up world. That’s why he started fixating on his music discs so hard. And why he clung to Dream so hard for a while. And why he clung so much to Technoblade, quickly growing dependent on him, desperate for any sort of care and validation.

It’s why he even agreed to help Techno destroy L’Manburg at all. He was in such a warped mindset and wanted to trust Techno even if part of him was appalled by the idea, but his anger at L’Manberg was also clouding his judgement, and he wanted to agree with Techno because Techno cared about him. It’s not Techno or Tommy’s fault but their relationship was messed up thanks to Tommy’s trauma. Tommy was so dependent on Techno and was not able to function properly alone and he was very driven by his emotions, which were in a mess. He could barely sort out his feelings on Dream, let alone L’Manburg or Tubbo. He even let himself believe that all they were doing was minor terrorism, when Techno hadn’t hid his intentions that much at all. 

-Tommy blames himself for all that occurred. When the anger faded, and he was a little less powerless, Tommy began to get back his own sense of agency, which he’d been lacking for so long. With more clarity, he realised that of course he wanted to forgive Tubbo and make amends. His experiences lead to Tommy feeling like it was up to him to apologise - and he did. 

In some respects, there’s some excellent development here - it’s amazing to see him put feelings to one side and realise that his anger and bitterness were hurting him. And he held himself responsible - that his actions, traumatised or not, didn’t justify hurting others. He had been becoming the person he didn’t want to be - and rejected it. 

But there’s some worrying signs too - his experiences left him in some ways too apologetic. His sense of self-worth is still low. He didn’t blow up the community house but at one point said he wouldn’t bother defending himself anymore as there was no point, nothing to be gained from arguing about it. He apologised to Sapnap for releasing Mars - wonderful but it was never really necessary. When interacting with the egg, he said he didn’t want to cause yet another war, having internalised the idea that he’s responsible for most conflicts. At one point he even said he blames himself for Doomsday. It’s not healthy to have such a low sense of self-worth. He no longer blames others for not caring about him - but he does blame himself. 

....

Well this has been a long post. I hope that better expresses how Tommy’s been affected from his exile. I feel like I’ve seen posts complaining about apologists using trauma to excuse his actions. Not at all! Merely to explain. You cannot discuss Tommy’s current character without discussing his trauma. Likewise, it has been treated seriously by the narrative and Tommy continues to have it affect his character. It’s ongoing. He is improving but it has had a long-lasting impact. Indeed his mental state still feels fragile enough that us fans have been very sensitive to anything that might impact him. Tommy should be handled with care, and few of the characters on the server realise this. 

[shihalyfie]

Daisuke and Ken’s dynamic, and what Ken does for Daisuke in return

Everyone in the main 02 cast can be said to be a little surface-deceptive in some way, and so, even with Daisuke and Ken as the relationship at the forefront of 02′s story, there’s still more going on behind it than first glance would initially make you suspect. It’s all too easy to just take the surface reading and decide that Daisuke is some kind of saint whom Ken is singularly dependent on for his happiness (which would really be quite the unhealthy relationship), or, worse, shove them into the stereotypical BL tropes just because they’re the two at the front, even though the story practically went out of its way to depict them as unusual characters who don’t fit into those kinds of boxes as easily.

Even though it wasn’t stated outright in words, Ken did a lot for Daisuke in return, and there’s a lot of layers to their relationship to each other both in the series and in going forward after it.

What Daisuke does for Ken

That Daisuke and Ken have very “complementary” personalities goes without saying, but this applies to both their surface demeanors and what lies beneath them. Daisuke has an abrasive surface demeanor and a tendency to get defensive, but isn’t actually very assertive at all; on the other hand, Ken is more polite and ostensibly “soft”, but is significantly more assertive than Daisuke is. This also means that, while it would of course be foolhardy to pretend that Ken could easily shrug off all of his trauma, it’s also conversely reductive to shove the two of them into boxes where Ken is a constant crybaby angsting over everything bad that’s happened to him while Daisuke’s the only ray of sunshine who can get him out of it. A lot of Ken’s strength in the series is self-supplied; he of course does end up needing the others’ support at times, but extreme readings like this really don’t give the kid enough credit for how good he is at gritting his teeth and pushing on without anyone prompting him.

The initial problem, however, is that Ken is too assertive about the wrong things at first. Like, say, in 02 episode 26, when he assertively says that he’s going to...recklessly chuck himself into an exploding reactor! For the third quarter of the series, Ken deliberately tries to keep his distance from others, and is very clear and open about his reasons why: in his mind, it’s his responsibility, and the others shouldn’t have to be involved. He doesn’t want their friendship, he doesn’t even think he deserves their friendship, and here’s Daisuke going “okay, yeah, but that’s stupid, shut up and let us help you.”

Adventure and 02 have a strong thread of driving it home that “doing things on sheer principle eventually becomes pointless when it gets in the way of being practical” -- and Daisuke, being a simple-minded and “straightforward” person who doesn’t overthink things, is basically there to keep Ken’s focus back on the proper picture. Because yeah, Ken can attempt to do things like frame things in terms of whether he “deserves” all of this, or “whose responsibility” this all is -- but the fact of the matter is that Daisuke and his friends want to do something and help instead of being sitting ducks about it, Ken’s practically not going to be able to do this alone, and, well, that’s the base of their first Jogress in 02 episode 26! Ken says outright that his goal is to do something to help, but then decides that “helping” should involve suicidally chucking himself into an exploding reactor, and Daisuke, hearing out Ken’s troubles, reminds him that him dying there won’t actually help the way Ken wants to help, because it won’t leave him alive to do all of the other things he wants to do and will hurt his family even more just when he was starting to repair things with them -- and as much as this extremely suicidal plan might temporarily spare the others from dying in an explosion, Daisuke would have to live with the guilt of letting Ken go off to die like that, so it won’t make him happy either.

So in other words, while Ken’s trying to sort out his complicated feelings of guilt, shame, and sense of responsibility, Daisuke’s there to keep his head on straight and remind him when he’s about to run himself in mental circles. Ken would have easily spent the rest of the series trying to make up for what he did even without Daisuke’s help, because he’s such a strong believer in “the right thing to do”, but his way of going on about it would have involved him staying in isolation out of a perceived sense of responsibility, endangering himself out of a sense of self-sacrifice, drowning himself in self-blame and feelings of regret, and, eventually, not addressing the very gaping hole in his life that he very much needs emotional support from others right now.

One thing particularly interesting about the Japanese version of 02 is that, for nearly the entirety of the second half of the series, Ken only refers to Daisuke as “Motomiya”, which is surprising given the fact that he employs given-name basis with the others quite quickly. Ken eventually does commit to “Daisuke” after the series in almost all post-02 material, and this image fits the two so well that pretty much every doujinshi artist has caught onto it despite it not being there all that much in the actual series, but it really took him a while; what gives? (Daisuke himself committed to “Ken” from surname basis “Ichijouji” starting in 02 episode 39.) Well, the important distinction is that Ken dropped the honorific with him from very early on -- meaning that he did want to approach Daisuke with a little bit of casual bluntness in a way beyond the distant respect he treated the others with, but at the time, going straight to buddy-buddy on given name with no honorific at all would have been a bit too much for him, and it comes off as him almost deliberately giving off a sense of distance. Why?

Ken didn’t have too much of an opinion on each individual kid in the group until 02 episode 8, when he developed a particular hatred for Daisuke for “ruining his pride” and decided to emotionally torture him a bit. Then, come 02 episode 25, this same kid approached him with no sense of grudge whatsoever, and presents him with a completely different way of seeing things: “whatever you did in the past, you’re clearly trying to help now, which means we’re now on the same side, so we should work together.” It’s pragmatic; it’s extremely pragmatic, and it’s not like Daisuke was working off of blind optimism and trust as much as he observed, very practically, that Ken was clearly trying to do better now and that therefore they should work together and make use of it. This kind of thought pattern is completely alien to Ken’s “I deserve/don’t deserve this” mentality at this point of this series, and by all standards of his own logic Daisuke should be one of the people who hates him the most, and yet -- nope!

By the time of their Jogress, Ken of course understands that Daisuke’s trying very hard to communicate with him, and thus they develop a sort of rapport -- but they’re not quite friends yet at the level of truly being “comfortable” with each other, because most of the second half of the series involved circumstances where Daisuke was helping Ken through a very emotionally hard time. It’s only at the point of the Christmas party in 02 episode 38 when Ken can really think about having these kids as real friends in terms of socializing and not just people who are willing to work with him in his penance journey. It’s enough that Ken’s able to admit that he wants the help of Daisuke in 02 episode 44, when beforehand he’d been trying to keep everyone out of what he’d perceived as his business. And, as Ken’s slowly more exposed to Daisuke’s way of life and its influence on the rest of the group around him, he comes to understand that maybe having a “close friend who can support him” isn’t that bad after all, since it’s not like these friends are just being “open-minded” towards him; they really are there to support him and his actual feelings and welfare, not just “cutting him slack” because he’s helping.

And so, with that, once the crisis is resolved and all is said and done, Ken finally truly accepts Daisuke as his friend and moves him up to given-name basis (no honorific!). This is most prominently shown in Diablomon Strikes Back, where their interactions are now removed from the question of Ken’s former actions and his emotional problems, and it turns out, they’re still good friends in the sense that friends are. As in, people who laugh together, hang out together, converse with each other casually; even if they are working together on the same thing for the duration of the movie, it’s not such an emotionally tense situation that you could chalk their interactions up to sheer necessity. With Daisuke’s help, Ken was able to move on from all of his past hangups, and the two of them became able to enjoy the moment of “now” like normal children.

What Ken does for Daisuke

Daisuke may be simple-minded enough to not have deep-seated concerns that eat at him every day, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was a bit socially maladjusted during the early parts of the series. Namely, being really insecure and prone to getting defensive whenever he felt he was being made fun of. Those kinds of things were what was most likely to get Daisuke to “lash out” at others, because he slips into his worst bouts of these whenever he’s lacking in validation.

Daisuke was, undoubtedly, improving over the course of the series, with him slowly starting to become more assertive by the time of 02 episode 20. It’s incorrect to say that Ken was the only person who could truly help him with this; 02 is a series about a group dynamic after all (even if the Jogress pairs are the most instrumental in helping each other), and it would be a pretty unhealthy relationship if one person were so dependent on another to even remotely function. But starting in 02 episode 22, when the crisis is momentarily resolved and everyone’s not sure what to do, Daisuke’s feeling of being third wheeled by Takeru and Hikari shoots up right at the moment everyone’s feeling a bit lacking in purpose. Two episodes later, Miyako immediately stages an intervention to help keep his mind off of things, and she’s arguably even the most comfortable with him at this point in time.

It’s not that Daisuke isn’t improving, nor that his friends aren’t trying to help, but, well...emotionally sensitive as Miyako can be, she’s also a bit all over the place herself and sometimes needs restraining; Hikari may be assertive, but she’s pretty obviously apprehensive about shutting Daisuke down too bluntly, and Takeru being so hard to read and evasive about everything means that Daisuke can’t really tell what he’s thinking or understand his intentions; Iori is younger and is restraining himself, so he still won’t cross certain lines with Daisuke. So as you can see, they’re all doing their best, and they’re not doing a terrible job of it either; hell, the rest of the series involves them maturing into people who can better interact with and support each other, so their own relationships with Daisuke are likely to improve even well after the series ends. It’s just that, especially at this point in the series, there’s definitely room for an extra person to fill a certain niche that’s got a gaping void here, begging for someone who’s assertive and put-together enough to regularly keep Daisuke in check, yet also willing to be properly straightforward with him to the extent that he doesn’t have to feel insecure about their intentions. Hmm, who could that be?

Although “the priority of reaching out to Ken” eventually becomes enough of a distraction that it certainly takes Daisuke’s mind off potentially feeling insecure, as we start to see more “casual” interactions between Daisuke and Ken, we see that Ken actually fills in a lot of the gaps that had been so sorely missing in this group dynamic for a while. Forward-thinking as he is, Daisuke’s simple-minded way of going at things has its drawbacks in that he’s not very smart or good at thinking, but Ken is the opposite, being intellectually analytical and much more thoughtful overall, and since Daisuke is the kind of person who defers to others when they’re better than him at something, Ken being right next to him means that he can give him a hand in making important decisions he can’t by himself. This is especially so in Diablomon Strikes Back, when Ken’s role is largely keeping an eye on Daisuke and making sure he’s not a loose cannon -- something he’s very capable of doing -- but also simply being there as a springboard whom Daisuke can comfortably approach and talk to, since Ken is such a mild-mannered, straightforward person who won’t set off his overly defensive tendencies as easily.

That doesn’t mean that Ken is completely above teasing him, of course -- a lot of post-02 material in fact makes sure you understand that he’s not just some soft-hearted saint and can be quite the snarker when he wants, since his increased comfort level with Daisuke means he’s now able to poke at him here and there, even doing something as mean as dumping all of the Christmas shopping on him (the character songs and other related in-character material lie in questionably canonical territory, but that kind of punchline is not unreasonable to imagine given their respective personalities). But, overall, he sets the right tone for Daisuke to have a friend he’s able to be around regularly and receive support from, and to fill in that niche of his casual interactions so that Daisuke can have some more solid grounding in his life.

It’s also a testament to how much Ken himself had changed in terms of becoming the kind of person who could handle Daisuke like this. When the two of them first “met” in 02 episode 8, while Ken was still fully under the influence of the Dark Seed, even if we were to put the part about him being the Kaiser aside, this sort of person would never be able to become a good friend to Daisuke. This episode had Daisuke put him on a pedestal -- someone he’ll never be able to be as good as, whom he looks up to as an “idol”, much like the way Daisuke has a tendency to instinctively put himself down in uplifting others. Thus, it was a negative relationship for both of them; Ken being put on a pedestal that ultimately made him uncomfortable, and Daisuke contributing to putting him there in the first place, and taking it extra personally when that pedestal was shattered. But then, Daisuke himself (and, ultimately, the rest of the group) became able to treat Ken like the “normal person” he wanted to be, with no pedestals, simply considering him as a friend with his own feelings and needs; as a result, being this sort of “normal person” making friends through his true personality and desire to support others meant paved the way for him becoming the one person who was best equipped to deal with the very difficult-to-handle Daisuke.

Incidentally, in terms of Kizuna: considering how 02 was such a series about everyone becoming people who could fundamentally interact and communicate better with others, it stands to reason that everyone’s relationships with each other would uniformly improve even after the events of 02, and you can see better interactions between everyone that go beyond just the Jogress pairs. Ken’s clearly able to interact with more of the people in the group in a much more casual manner than he did in 02 itself, and it’s made an important point in the drama CD that Daisuke took everyone’s incidental advice to heart, not just Ken’s. However, advertising material still prominently features the two as a pair, and although part of this is of course due to marketing, Ken is also the one who gets the final words in extracting his “promise” from Daisuke in the drama CD; the official website also calls special attention to him being the one to accompany Daisuke on his ramen outings, even though the one depicted in the drama CD and movie was planned to involve everyone in the group. There are multiple indications that Daisuke himself has learned to become somewhat less defensive and prone to insecurity compared to himself in 02, and it seems that this was accomplished via Ken still actively putting himself in a role of checking on him and making sure he feels properly supported in all of this.