#or maybe I just know myself better than everyone and I AM manipulating everyone so good that I manipulated myself too

[cherrysnax]

was talking to my butch last night about feelings and self perception and it’s weird that ppl see me as kind. not nice, but kind

[astolfofo]

bruh i wrote this on a whim. but it needs to be said.

tw: manipulation, yandere. Nothing too much. It’s pretty mild, but it’s dazai so idk what to say. 

bruh if this flops im gonna actually cry tho. I actually used my brain to write this. even tho I used causual language and this ain’t that formal ughsdfhlkdsj. but also sorry if it’s really bad. I didn’t even proofread this I just copy and pasted it into tumblr. Also, if the ending’s kinda messy or if there’s like grammar mistakes... pls tell me I literally am so braindead rn i can’t read

would also tag people this was inspired by but this is actually half shitpost and that would be hella rude of me to do that so. lmfao. (translate: i don’t have the balls)

===

I see so many people thinking that Dazai would fall for someone cheerful, and bubbly, who would approach him first.

Honestly, I disagree.

I think the opposite. Maybe it’s because I see part of myself in Dazai (and Yozo from the No Longer Human), or maybe because it’s simply because I’m not a bubbly, happy, person in general (but i wanna be with him jkjk unless… ) but. I personally disagree with that headcannon, I don’t really see it happening. Obviously, there are cases of characters liking an innocent, sweet, bubbly darling (cough. Nikolai. Chuuya. Akutagawa. Atsushi.) But, for Dazai… I feel like that would be too boring for him. Not as in he wouldn’t like it that way… but it would be too easy for him, ya know? Like there’s no challenge, there’s no… interest in doing that. Why would Dazai want someone so open, so innocent, so bubbly and kind, who would listen to anything he said? That’s not even genuine, that’s fake. Everyone has their own secrets, their lies, and they create a fake mask for everyone else to see. They wouldn’t want to show their true self… because it’d make them not only look bad… but also we’d all be extremely vulnerable. And violent.

Dazai knows this better than anyone else. I’d like to think, anyways. And innocent people like that, whether genuine or not, usually would deter him because they’re… too easy to pursue. Despite being a good liar himself, I don’t think he’d want someone who would fake the niceness, because it would be obvious from the start. Dazai doesn’t strike me as someone who would enjoy breaking his darling down (that’s Fyodor’s thing bro would definitely like someone who is fake). He has some morality, he doesn’t like using mind break. After all, that goes against what Oda told him to do. However, he’d definitely enjoy mind games, he’d like to pick you apart to get to know you better. Better than you know yourself. And once he does, he can leverage you however he likes to be his ideal woman. Even that manga q and a (I’lll find the link later) said that Dazai likes all women because he can make them into what he wants. Someone who’s outright innocent and kind wouldn’t be able to achieve that effect for him. It doesn’t offer him the challenge, it doesn’t offer him any kind of challenge in just manipulating someone innocent who barely hides anything. That would be a bad thing, and even his skwered sense of whatever morals he has would disagree with it. He wouldn’t even be able to fall for someone like that. Simple-minded people, just aren’t for him.

So, in prose, I’d like to offer an alternate idea: Dazai would like a darling that’s, obviously to a similar intelligence as him (otherwise they’d be… too easy), but very distant. Not as in a “they have a mask on”, kind of way. But in a. They’re apathetic, cold, and aren’t great at communicating kind of way. I think it’s an interesting dynamic. The first time when Dazai sees them, he may not even think much of them. Neutral cold face doesn’t say many sentences and wants him to leave. Maybe a slight fear of him, that he approached them. However, as time passes by, Dazai realizes he likes them. He genuinely craves their presence. He notices the way you don’t exactly know what his motives are, he enjoys the way you flinch when he touches your hands, or blush and do not know how to respond to his comments.

He sees all of it. And he wants to see who you really are. Behind your true mask. Maybe you’re a narcissist. Maybe you’re just a kind innocent person. Or maybe… you’re just as empty and lonely as he is. Whatever you are, he’ll eventually turn you into what he wants. It’s just a matter of time.

It’s like he’s looking at a Christmas present, and trying to guess the contents inside. The curiosity kills him. He wants to look at what it is now, but he can’t. He can’t. Until it’s Christmas day. So in the meantime, he’ll do everything except pull down the thin wrapping paper, and the apathetic, cold face you put on for everyone around you. It’s rather difficult actually, you do a pretty good job at covering your true self. You’re a skilled liar, you can control any physical reactions you have towards his questions.

But that just makes it all the more addictive.

The second you slip up, even just for a tiny. Little. Bit. Dazai is able to pinpoint a lot about you. It’s almost like he tore off a corner of the wrapping paper on his present, and he’s knows a lot about what it is. It’s more than he expected. It was just one facial expression. A face of shock, to anger, and then you calm yourself to the best of your abilities again. It’s barely noticeable to the average person. But that’s the thing. Dazai isn’t average. 

He’s the smartest man you’ll ever know.

It makes you feel conflicted. And you’re aware this is probably where Dazai wants you to be. And it is. Dazai finally was able to make a dent on the thin walls inside your mind. The walls that separated your true self, from others. And he’d pick and tear down these walls continuously until he was able to see inside.

But for Dazai... it’s his Christmas day. Dazai felt like his efforts... his waiting, his long awaited efforts were finally rewarded. All it took was one little slip on your behalf, one tiny little tear, for the wrapping paper to completely fall off. And as it lays discarded on the floor, Dazai admires the gift. He admires you. Your mind is such a vulnerable place. Yet in its own way, it’s beautiful and fragile. He feels like he physically cannot tarnish it. Yet... you’re so much more different than he thought. 

You’re niether a kind person, nor a violent one. You’re not broken, you’re not depressed nor anxious nor scared. You’re not nearly what he idealizes so much, and you’re not some insane slave to your ideals. No... what was inside that box and wrapping paper all this time was similar to a piece of piece of glass. Plainly boring in its own way... yet beautiful if shaped in the right hands. 

You’re a blank slate. Sure, you have your own trauma, your own struggles, desires, and wishes but... he’ll still do as he wants to you. 

And you won’t have a single say in it. 

You’re a blank slate. A canvas waiting to be drawn on. And draw on you he will. 

He’ll admire you, he’ll protect you, he’ll... do anything and everything to make you love him. You’ll.... you’ll learn to love him.

And in return, you’ll be the only one who will see and understand his true self.

[livingbrother]

LO and it's portrayal of S/A

A rant by someone who just finished EP. 98 and is incredibly furious

Cw: Mentions of S/A, it's effects, too much swearing, ED mention, personal stuff that happened to yours truly, lots of other stuff too, just no idea what to tag it as

Don't read this if you're not mentally doing well, I don't want you getting hurt because of my post, I love you, feel better soon

Boy. Oh fucking boy. I just got through episode 98 of this shit show and, I'll just say, I am beyond furious. Livid, in fact.

For context, I am a survivor or sexual abuse and mental abuse, I have dealt with those who act sort of like Apollo, I was never raped, but I was molested as a child. I, as a survivor, feel nothing but rage at how Rachel portrayed Apollo being a rapist. The way he acts is incredibly unrealistic for an abuser, as somebody who dealt with two abusers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (I'm not saying everyone who has NPD are villains, I'm just saying what I went through), I see what Rachel was trying, but oh so tragically failed, to do. He tried to control, manipulate, and gaslight Persephone. Only for none of it to work, that's not how ANY of it fucking works!

Where is the fucking control, other than just fucking raping her? I get he wants to take the power away from her and be the one to control her, but I've seen none of that! I get she has PTSD over it (I'LL GET TO THIS POINT AGAIN). I NEVER GOT THE SENSE THAT SHE WAS POWERLESS EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE SCENE. I HAVE NEVER SEEN HER QUESTION IF THAT WAS HIS INFLUENCE PICKING HER DRESSES, OR FUCKING EVEN HER FOOD! WHEN I WAS LIVING WITH ONE OF MY ABUSERS, SHE'D PICK OUT MY OUTFITS, ONE'S I HATED, AND I STILL CHOOSE SOME OF THOSE OUTFITS, TO THIS DAY! WHERE WAS HER LOSS OF CONTROL? SHE NEVER FELT ISOLATED, SHE NEVER FELT LIKE SHE WAS TRAPPED. YES. SHE WAS TRAPPED IN THAT ONE ROOM WITH HIM, BUT EVEN THEN! SHE HAD LEVERAGE OVER HIM WITH THE FUCKING LYRE. Ugh.

About her realizing she was raped, um. Excuse me? A lot of victims don't realize they were raped or abused until like, months or years later. I'm glad for the ones who instantly realized it, good for them. Given Persephone's personality and experience with the world, she wouldn't have known it was rape because she's not accustomed to dating and sexual culture. On top of that, she isn't really seen actually distressed when she remembers, oh, and lets not forget that she WAS FUCKING FINE WITH TOUCH AND PHYSICAL FLIRTING DAYS AFTER HER ASSAULT. Let me remind you that I have been through this thing myself, you do not just omg I was just assaulted! time to go let someone touch me! Nonono, you spend years jumping when people touch you, years of moving when someone tries to grab your shoulder, years of pushing someone's hand off your arm, years screaming when you get a hug. And then, maybe from flashbacks, maybe from googling things, you discover you were molested! And then it alllllll makes sense. I understand if she became hypersexual, cause same, but that usually doesn't set in until a good long while.

I also hate how Apollo is written, he should have stayed as a shitty ex boyfriend or whatever the fuck Rachel was gonna make him, he just comes across as a cartoonish villain than an abuser. The man just fucking rubs his hands together and fucking goes I'll get you next time my pretty! I fucking HATE his writing so goddamn much. I understand wanting to make him pushy, egotistical, and insecure, they're some of the hallmarks of the pushy nice guy she was going for. But when it comes to him being abusive, it's like watching a bad joke. Rapists don't usually, you know, CATCH FEELINGS FOR THEIR VICTIM (correct me if I'm wrong), unless it's to lure them back in to hurt them again. She made him so obviously evil it hurts, abusers don't usually act that way, they put on a pretty smile, act kind, and behind closed doors, act shitty. I respect 97-98 for getting that part right, but too many times, too many fucking times Rachel has gotten that wrong. I have dealt with this myself, my mother did this exact thing, she even put on the pretty smile for me so even I, somebody who knew he was being tormented, questioned whether or not I was being abused! We never see this with Persephone! We never see her getting gaslit with this, she never questions her reality! She knows everything that's going on for sure! I know what Rachel was aiming for, and she failed miserably!

God, on top of this, we never really get to see Persephone's PTSD unless the story fuckin says Apollo's here! She's never really fucking affected by her rape, we don't see her jump from touches, refuse sexual advanced from Hades, yeah, sure, we see her afraid of camera flashes, but that's about it!!!!!!!! She never really experiences the effects of s/a! I developed an ED and agoraphobia from my abuse! Where the fuck is that?! That would have been a lot more fucking interesting than the slop we fucking got!

I know I've missed some things, but I need to calm down before I pop a blood vessel. I might revisit this post when I'm less angry, I just needed to rant.

[theswissgirl]

They don't need me- A Jayden Shiba imagine

So I am 18 years old and I still find myself crushing on the red ranger of the Power Rangers Samurai aka Jayden Shiba (in the first season) and I just feel like I have to write my imaginations I feel like it'll be fun. Plus, no one knows who I am here so I wont get mocked :)

Imagine this: you switch places with Kevin when the nighlock takes possession of him, believing that the team need him more than you, especially jayden but little does she know...

Episode : I've got a spell on Blue

PS: Her name is Ember, imagine her as you want, and she has the ability to manipulate fire and able to preform protection spells (think of her as bloom from winx club I guess)

Yes, I know this is a major twist in the plot but this is how I always imagine it.

credits to power rangers, they own everything.

____________________________________________________________

After a fight with the Nighlock had gone south, the rangers and Ember were on their way back to the dojo where Mentor was waiting for them. Concern clear on face.

It only grew as he saw the cuts and bruises and torn clothes.

"this isn't good, its going to very hard to break that monsters spell on the tiger zord and Kevin" he said as he followed them inside and walked along side Jayden.

Mike, Emily and Mia all sat down whilst Ember leaned against the wall, groaning in pain as her entire body ached from being slashed by Kevins spin sword. She wanted to use her powers to defend herself but at the same time, she didn't want to risk hurting Kevin with her fire power.

Jaydens head turned quickly after hearing the noise, feeling the smallest bit of concern but quickly covering it again and turning to mentor.

"we need a plan" he said firmly.

"Jayden, you must be prepared to make tough choices if need be" mentor says to him.

"I know Ji" Jayden replies.

a pause takes over the room before he speaks again.

"But lets figure out a way to break the nighlocks hold on Kevin before it gets to that"

The rangers look solemnly at one another.

But Ember had her own thought progress going on.

The rangers look really upset, I can imagine they are all very worried for Kevin. I understand why, Kevin is the brains of the Samurai rangers and trains harder than anybody else. He gets along with everyone, well maybe not so much with Mike but its gotten better

She quitely snickers to herself at that last bit before she continues to think.

They need him, otherwise the whole team might fall apart

A thought popped into her head.

What if… What if I could trade places with Kevin? I mean I am probably more valuable than Kevin because of my powers, I would be of more use to the nighlock. Besides, I’m not one of the rangers or part of their group, they need Kevin more than they need me. 

Hopefully the protection spells will enable me to break the nighlocks hold before the rangers find out

Suddenly, she feels determined to return Kevin to the rangers.

"Excuse me for a second" she says quietly to the others before dashing off the her room, hoping that the others think she just needs to lay down.

When the rangers start to chatter again, she quietly walks to double doors, pulls them open and walks out, closing the door quietly behind her. She takes off for the forest.

__________________________________________________________

"Show yourself nighlock!"

As soon as she got to the forest, she immediately starts trying to attract the nighlocks attention. She spins around in circles, hoping to catch a glimpse of him somewhere.

"I have a deal for you!" she yells into the air.

When that doesn't spark anything, she tries again.

"I am more useful than the blue ranger, I will be able to inflict more damage and pain on the rangers. Release the blue ranger and take control of me instead!!" suddenly, she hears the sound of lightning

He's here.

"hmm I know you, you're the rangers little pet who always stays behind and does nothing" he retorts.

"that's one way to phrase it" she shrugs her shoulders.

He points a claw at her "how do I know you're not lying"

Ember smirks.

She closes her eyes and when she opens them, her eyes are a bright burning orange. She raises her hands up and out comes fire, growing larger and larger, she moves her wrists to spread the fire around them, creating a ring and trapping them both. With two snaps of her fingers, the fire is gone.

"hmmm color me impressed" the nighlocks hums and Ember nods her head in acknowledgement. A pause follows after.

"you have yourself a deal!" the nighlock exclaims loudly.

In a cloud of blue mist, Kevin appears and is still wearing his ranger suit. A mass of dark blue and black colored substance rises out of him before exploding in the air, cleansing Kevin of the monsters possession. He falls to the ground and catches his breath and his suit disappears from his body. He stands up and he is taken by surprise when he lays eyes on Ember.

"Ember, what are you doing?" he asks alarmed when he spots the nighlock not too far away from him.

"Kevin, before you do something stupid please listen to me. You are free to return to the rangers. They need you okay? more than they need me, especially Jayden" she says, her voice taking a sorrow tone.

"Ember, what did you do??"

"She traded places with you, claimed that she is more useful" the nighlock laughed and Kevin is shocked and can't figure out what to say. This was quite a heavy sacrifice she was making.

" Please tell them I'm sorry for leaving without telling them" she whispers.

"Run!!" she yells one last time.

Kevin takes off to the Dojo, running as fast as he can to warn his fellow rangers

The nighlock unleashes a blast, directly targeting her. The impact of the blast sent her to the ground, where the spell works its way into her body and into her brain. She groans in as the spell takes ahold of her. After a few seconds, she stands up and her eyes are bright purple. The nighlock has control of her now.

"The rangers don't know what's coming for them"

______________________________________________________________

After running for what seemed like eternity, Kevin finally made it to the Dojo. He frantically rips open the doors and runs inside to find the rangers sitting in a circle on the chairs surrounding the map table.

The heads Jayden and Mentor shoot up and quickly stand up once they see Kevin standing there, completely frantic and breathing heavily. The rest of the rangers had retired to their rooms to get some rest and recuperate.

Jayden walks up to Kevin carefully, not sure if they are being tricked or not. He places a hand on Kevins shoulder and finds out that it really is Kevin. He smiles and squeezes his shoulder.

"Welcome back Kevin" Jayden says, relief filling him. Then he asked "how did you get here?"

"Ember, she... she... she took my place, she traded places with me so that the Nighlock has control of her instead of me" he says quickly.

"She did what?!" Mentor exclaims

Jayden could not comprehend the words Kevin has just said. Immediate concern and sorrow fills him as he thinks of the girl whom he's begun to feel things for. Sure, he didn't think anything of it to start with, but as she remained with the rangers and spent more time with them, Jayden grew to care for her. Yes, he cares for all of the rangers but it's different with Ember. He gets nervous when their eyes meet across the room, he gets scared whenever she is injured in battle, he admires how close she's grown with Mia and Emily, he loves how she checks up on him every now and then. And most importantly, she makes him feel good and at ease, like the rest of world and it's problems just faded away. One might say, he developed feelings for her.

"She said that you guys needed me more than we needed her, especially you, Jayden" Kevin mutters quitely.

"She thinks we don't need her?" Jayden asked sorrowfully, feeling great sadness that she came to feel this way.

Kevin nodded sadly.

" Okay new plan. We need to get Ember back, she is now our first priority" Jayden says fiercely, determination crossing his features.

"We need to destroy that nighlock before he hurts her or makes her hurt innocent people" Kevin says and the rest agreed with her. Suddenly, everyone knew what to do and they would do everything in her power to do accomplish the task. Get Ember back at all cost.

"No, I'll go alone, you need to rest just like the others, you need to make sure you okay before you can fight" Jayden tells him. Kevin knew he was right and nodded his head before going to his room.

Jayden runs to doors, pulls out his sammurizer and morphs into his ranger suit. He goes to find the Nighlock that has taken Ember from him.

____________________________________________________________

The Shib alarm starts sounding out in the entire house and the rangers run to Mentor who has already opened the water map.

"Mentor, where's Jayden? Mike asked.

"He's already gone to battle the Nighlock" he informs the rangers.

"Are you kidding me? what about Ember? the Nighlock will make her fight Jayden" Mike states irritated.

"Hopefully that won't happen but it our duty to protect the people. He may have no choice." Mentor sighs.

"There's always a choice!" Mike exclaims

"This is bogus"

Mentor turns and walks around him "Have faith in your leader, Mike"

"Mike, we have to help Jayden" Mia says.

" And hope Ember comes to her senses" Emily adds on.

The rangers run to the join Jayden at the battlefield.

______________________________________________________________

Jayden stands in front of the Nighlock, Ember standing right behind him with a cold expression on her face as she observes Jayden.

"It's about time red ranger" the nighlock bellows out but Jayden's focus is solely on Ember.

"Ember please wake up" he says to her. She smirks and only shrugs her shoulders in response, the spell forcing her.

"Not going to happen, red" The nighlock says before turning to Ember.

"Make this fight count" he says and she nods her head and moves closer to Jayden.

"Or I'll make her use her powers on herself"

The rest of rangers arrive just on time, holding up their morphers.

"Jayden, we're here to help" Mike states.

"No, I can't put anyone else at risk" Jayden rejects Mike's and the others aid.

"You want a show? I'll give you the show of your life, Nighlock" Jayden says beforing morphing into his suit.

"I wish I had some popcorn. Fire girl, attack!" The Nighlock yells before jumping on top of some containers to watch the battle.

She moves her hands to her side, fire sprouting out of them immediately and she advances towards Jayden and the two slowly start to circle each other. Jayden goes into a stance and Ember sees that as her sign to attack. With a flick of her wrist, she throws the fire fire ball towards Jayden

Jayden deflects her attack by using his sword as a barrier, immediately after, he lunges for her. He swipes his sword, Ember holds up her arms, a magical armor protecting her from getting cut and she blocks his attack. This left her flank open and Jayden used that to his advantage.

Before she could see it, Jayden kicks her to the ground. She wheezes as air is knocked out of her and she holds her sides.

"What are you thinking thats Ember!" Mike yells out but his statement goes unheard.

Ember quickly stands up again and moves to launch another attack but.. she stops and lets out a a gasp as she falls to the ground again. Ember is trying to take back control and the rid the control the nighlock has over her.

Groaning, she clutches her head as a headache begins to form but she has to push through the pain, she just has to. She starts thrashing and shaking on the ground, fighting the monsters control over her. The pain is building but she can't give up, she's so close.

"Ember?" Jayden asked concerned and confused.

"Jayden" Ember whimpered.

"Jayden please" she doesn't know why she's saying please, she just wants him to know that she's trying.

"Ember, you can fight this, I know you can. I know you think we don't need you but we do, we all do.. especially me. So please, come back to us... come back to me" He says softly.

That was all she needed to hear. Her screams and cries grow louder and her thrashing becomes more violent and just when she thought it was never going to end, she lets out a final scream and the same black and dark blue substance was pulled from her eyes and mouth, completely expelling the dark magic from her body.

She relaxes and lays flat on the ground, trying desperately to catch her breath and let her senses return to her.

"No!! what on earth did you do !!!"The nighlock screams, angry that his plan did not go accordingly.

Ember sits up carefully and looks the monster dead in the eye.

" I broke your spell. Did you really think I was just going to let you control me that easily?" she laughed dryly.

"But how?? only I can reverse that spell!!" He yelled.

"Guess I'm just stronger than you think" she smirked, happy that she foiled the nighlock's plans.

Her eyes move over to Jayden, only to find him already looking at her with pride and admiration, a small smile present on his face. He nodded and she understood.

They were going to talk later.

(Authors note: my patience was wearing thin so I decided to go ahead and skip it)

______________________________________________________________

The rangers were enjoying a board game where their zords where the game pieces. Suffice it to say, it was not going well for Mike...

Ember was sat next to Emily, she didn't have enough energy to play but she was happy to observe them and watch the smiles on their faces. She leaned her head on Emily's shoulder as her eyes flicker over to Kevin and Jayden who were having a quite discussion.

Anticipation and nervousness came over her, she and Jayden hadn't talked yet and she was only growing more anxious.

Was he mad at her? was he sad? disappointed?

her thoughts were going haywire.

Suddenly, she needed fresh air and walked out the open door to sit on one of the stone benches. She moved to the furthest one away from the laughter and chatter from her friends, wanting to enjoy the open night sky.

But she had a feeling she was not alone and she knew who it was.

"You scared me today"

She turned around and she was right. Jayden followed her outside.

He sat down beside her and examined her face more closely. It was still a little bit banged up but the cuts and bruises were healing fast, thanks to her exacerbated blood. He was relieved and Ember smiled at him.

"I'm sorry" she whispered out before moving her eyes back down to her lap

"Why did you do it? Why did you let that Nighlock do that to you? Jayden asked her quietly and she let out a sad sigh.

"I just thought that you guys needed Kevin more than you needed me. I wanted to help the team, even if it meant sacrificing myself. I don't know, I just feel like I'm a burden to you guys and I'm not even part of the group and I thought I was finally doing something to help you" she opens up to him.

Jayden grabs her chin with two fingers and moves her face so she was looking at him.

"Ember, you are not a burden and you are needed. Mia and Emily need you, Mike needs you because who else keeps him from wrecking the house and Kevin doesn't show it but he needs you to, he believes you provide a great advantage in battle. And I need you too" she blushes at his heartfelt words and moves to pull her face away but is met with resistance.

"There is something else. Ever since I met you, I've come to care for you and you make me feel things I have never felt before. Your smile makes me feel at ease, the way you laugh seems to make my heart race. Every time a monster hurts you, I feel this urge to protect you, Everytime I can see you are scared, I want to comfort you and the way you just are, it amazes me so much. I have feelings for you, Ember and I've tried to fight it but it's pretty difficult when a person like you is so beautiful and caring"

Ember could not believe it, all this time he felt the same as her?? She thought she was insane for developing feelings for the red danger, believing full well that he was never going to see her more than a team mate or friend. But here he was, proving her wrong.

Surprise and shock flitters across her face and she processes his confession before joy and elation start to fill her until the smile that is spreading on her face begins to hurt.

"Jayden, I feel the same way" she finally gathered the courage to speak and her face moved closer to his. Slowly but surely, they lean in closer and closer until their noses touch. Ember closes her eyes and pray he won't reject her. Slowly, she feels his lips against hers and he breathing picks up along with her heart.

Before she chickens out, she closes the gap and seals their lips together in a kiss. Their lips moved slowly against each other, Jayden brings his hand up to caress her face and pull her a little closer with his other hand. Ember moves her hands and interlocks them behind his neck and craning her head.

Their kiss becomes more passionate and deeper as they continue exploring each others mouths. The butterflies in her stomach are going awol, she never thought she was going to be so lucky.

After 5 minutes of passionate kissing, the pair had to pull away from each other to catch some much needed air and lean their foreheads against each other.

"Finally!"

_________________________________________________________

3212 Words

okay my head is killing me now, that took way too long to write. But I actually liked it, finally being able to write down one of thought imaginations.

I just felt the urge to suddenly just write and so I just pulled a random imagine from my head and it was the one with Jayden Shiba.

I might come back and do another, if the mood strikes you know :)

-- Swiss girl.

[max1461]

I am fully aware this is very paranoid.

So basically some of the people I associate with on here have had pretty radical politics. And in the couple years that I've been on here, I've noticed everyone, left and right, has gotten less radical. Maybe that's a product of them getting older. Or maybe it's some kind of cia psyop or whatever.

Now here's the thing. I don't have any actual intention to fuck with the US government or whatever. As fucked up as I think they are I'm also very fucking scared of them and I have better things to do than put myself on their shitlist. I just want to be left alone. But see I have this fear that I'm like, getting caught in the trawl of some kind of psyop, you know, and the ideas that the feds are spreading to discourage radicalism are indirectly causing my depression.

Uh like. I don't know exactly how that would work. But for instance maybe some agent spreads the notion of "radical change is impossible and wouldn't be good anyway and blah blah" in my local online bubble. Which may or may not be true about politics. But in the process they, you know, articulate and (intentionally or unintentionally) spread various other more abstract notions that bolster this one, like a general pessimism about life or the world or whatever. A general "don't try, you won't succeed" mentality. Or something. I don't know exactly. You get what I'm saying? And then I get caught in the wind of this and my depression increases.

Like maybe the same sorts of general beliefs which deflate the radicalism of radicals also deflate other tendencies, deflate other passions and optimisms and so on. Right? You see?

I don't think this is probably happening. I put it at like 5% odds some psyop shit is contributing to my depression. I know that the general vibe of online discourse contributes to my depression, but I think it's most likely that that's just how it is, you know, that's just how the discourse is.

Well whatever. If you're a secret agent I know you're too indoctrinated for this to mean anything, but can you stop? Secret agent shit is bad, it harms people, and you shouldn't do it. I mean it's one thing if you're like counter-intelligencing some other country's agency or whatever I get why you would do that, but if you're just doing manipulative secret agent shit to random innocent people "for the greater good" I can promise you it's not actually for the greater good, it's just some fucked up shit you're doing to some poor guy. Leave people alone.

[butch-reidentified]

wife & I finally watched Killing Eve, and I am just utterly 🤯 by how much of myself I see in Villanelle. the nuances of her reactions, her sense of humor, interpersonal relating, etc., all of it is genuinely deeply relatable. it's the first time I've ever actually truly related to a fictional character overall, rather than just 1 or 2 aspects of a character. as weird as it sounds, it feels like actually very wholesome representation? honestly, I've never really understood why people get attached to fictional characters and even kind of used to make fun of it. I never felt like there was much to relate to. but my wife and I both see it, this dude they consulted for her on-screen character obviously really knows his shit (yeah, this dude, fucking somehow).

him???? kinda pissed ngl. and I'm definitely gonna contact him lmao

but it's undeniable. it's most clear in the subtlest little moments, the little things she does like dumping salt on the curly fries she's sharing with Eve as a playful reaction to an "offensive" joke, the pranks she plays on Konstantin, the things she finds funny, the lack of response when her life is in danger, being ambivalent about prison. and of course the bigger things are just as accurate, and so much better done than any other media portrayal I've seen before. the constant need for escalating stimulation, the s-tier "commitment to the bit" regardless of the situation, the curiosity about herself, the boredom and resulting curiosity about the "normal" human experience & wondering if you can be like them - maybe even convincing yourself for a while, the truth of having some people truly matter to you but at the end of the day you know you're still able to hurt them, the enjoyment of social game-playing - specifically with others who are also knowingly playing social chess* (manipulating unaware people is not entertaining & frankly reminds me of the ways men tend to seek affirmation of their power/superiority by "punching down").

*and enjoying working + thriving in fields where this is required of EVERYONE

I'm posting this a bit late at night in the hopes it's mostly seen by the mutuals who actually come to my blog not just see this on dash, bc this /is/ weird as fuck for me & I'm not super stoked about EVERYONE seeing this, but I have made a commitment on here to challenge myself with consistent and total honesty to the best of my ability. it /is/ disorienting and exciting in its own odd way. but I'm not sure I hate it.

oh, and in s4 when she kills a bunch of women's abusers? the implication throughout the show that she DOES feel some type of way about (at least) 1 moral issue - misogyny? fuck OFFFFF bro wtffff

[geekthefreakout]

The GaaNaru Letters (part 1 of ?)

AN: this might not be anything, but its been floating in my head. It's a tumblr post instead of going on Ao3 because it's lower commitment rn.

Dear Gaara,

Heh, it's weird calling you dear when we only kinda know each other. But Iruka-sensei said that's how letters are supposed to start. This is my first time writing to someone else- all my friends are in my village! Anyway, I just wanted to see how you are after that asswhooping I gave you! That's not me bragging, by the way. It's just. You seemed lonely. Like I told you back then, I know what that pain is like. I guess I want to help you with it. And I think you and me have something else in common, too. Do you know what I mean? Anyway, everyone knows that the Sand village only attacked the Leaf because Orochimaru-bastard was manipulating you, so I don't think we have to be enemies anymore. That snakey bastard killed the Third Hokage, but I heard he killed your Hokage too? I hope you get this and write back, maybe?

Love From, Uzumaki Naruto

Uzumaki Naruto,

I have been informed that honorifics are not required at the beginning of letters if one does not wish to include them. Unless this is one of the cultural differences between the Leaf and the Sand, you should not feel obliged to use "dear" for me. This is also my first time writing a letter to someone. I am not sure what to say, but I will answer your questions.

I think I do know what you mean, if you are referring to that red chakra that you summoned. Do you have a monster within you as well? It is difficult to imagine.

Orochimaru did indeed kill our kage, though the Sand Village has a Kazekage, rather than Hokage. Rather than in a great battle such as befell your leader, the Kazekage seems to have been murdered on the sly. That man was my father. I am told that most children mourn their fathers. I have not mourned anyone since Yas I was small, and I see no need to change that. Perhaps if my father did not try to assassinate me so often, I would feel differently. At any rate, my siblings are too afraid of me to press the issue.

You, however, are not afraid of me. Despite the damage I wrought on your friends and your village, you are still reaching out. I find myself wondering why? Perhaps we are not actively enemies, but we are not allies either. What use am I to you? Why should it matter to you that I am lonely?

Why did you weep for me, Uzumaki Naruto?

From,

Gaara of the Desert

Dear Gaara,

I already said- I know what your kind of loneliness is like, and I want to help! It's not some big complicated thing. You don't have to have a use to me, you know? Except maybe to talk about stuff.

Like the monster thing. This is kind of a secret so I probably shouldn't confirm or deny that I have a giant demon fox sealed inside me, but I want to tell you. I've never met anyone like me before, you know? Even if yours is different, with the sand and the crazy laughing and all. Mine doesn't laugh, he's just mean and grumpy and scary. When did you first know about yours? Have you always been able to use its power?

I'm sorry about your dad. Not that he's dead, but that he was an asshole! And I guess that he's dead too. I can see how that would be complicated. Did he try to kill you because of your demon? It's not how I would do things. I don't know who my parents are, or were, but I hope they wouldn't do that to me. I think parents are supposed to support their kids no matter what!

I guess it makes sense for your siblings to be scared of you when you do scary things, but I heard you apologize to them back then. So if you're trying to do better by them, they should give you a chance!

I'm going on a journey with Pervy Sage soon to look for our next Hokage-- whoever it is better meet my approval, because I'll be the next Hokage after that, believe it! And I want to get the job from someone awesome. Anyway, if I'm not in the village I'm not sure how to get mail so if I don't reply for a while it's cuz I'm out there being awesome!

Also- didn't forget what you did. You tried to hurt my friends, and that's not okay. But I kicked your ass about it already, so as far as I'm concerned it's all settled. So don't keep thinking there's something bad between us!

Sincerely (This is a new sign off I learned. It's nicer than From!), Uzumaki Naruto

PS: Iruka-sensei said you're right about the "dear" thing, but your name looked kinda naked if I didn't write it, so I'm gonna keep using it, OK?

Uzumaki Naruto,

Your answers leave me with more questions, but I will continue asking them as long as you are amenable.

My demon is the One-tail, Shukaku. He does laugh a lot, though it is not a pleasant sound. I have always known about him, for his voice has always been in the back of my mind. Furthermore, I was told outright when I had a strong enough grasp of language. Your question implies that you have not always known about yours. You called it a demon fox- could it be the Nine-tails? Is he truly so quiet that you could be unaware of him? As for tapping into Shukaku's abitilities, that has not always been conscious on my part. He is often eager to emerge and inflict is insanity upon others, so if I fall asleep he will take over on his own.

Needless to say, I am seldom allowed to sleep.

Shukaku is one reason my father tried to kill me. The other is that I killed my mother the day I was born. My existence has always been fueled by blood. I am not sure if I can change that. Can my siblings be blamed for resenting me?

Are genin often involved in the selection of political figures in the Leaf? Perhaps that is more efficient. In the Sand, it seems that the council just sits and talks in circles. My team's sensei, Baki, has taken a leadership position there, but has not assumed the title of Kazekage. I assume it is because the council wants him free to keep an eye on me. They are not sure what I will do. I am not sure either. For now, I have tried to appease them with silence. I do not wander at night, and I have not hurt anybody since our return from the Leaf. I have kept to myself. I can't say if it is doing any good. Temari and Kankuro speak gently to me, but I see the fear in their eyes if I move unexpectedly.

You keep saying that you "kicked my ass." No one has ever done that before. Yet I seem to recall you being unable to move at the end as well. Did I "kick your ass" too?

It is interesting that you view our fight as an instrument of peace between us two. Perhaps if I let Kankuro hit me, he will stop jumping whenever I speak.

I like your new sign off, so I will use it.

Sincerely,

Gaara of the Desert

TBC, possibly

PART 2

[loveyourlovelysoul]

I really have a weird and difficult relationship with love. I kind of was taught I need to be enough to receive it, to give it away mostly (people please) and to never ask for it or anything much. To settle with whatever I could get and even be thankful about it. To fly low. I also was taught to not be too much, to not ask as I would be getting a no and that this would have been somehow bad (me not being enough ig), to really do not annoy others or be a bother. And that often I'm a bother and too much. And even bad, so I need to behave well and obey, do not get out of a fixed route that everyone considers perfect and good for me (do I too, honestly?) and make everyone proud of me so that I could feel okay and safe. But part of me always wanted more, never really understood the reasons behind this (yes, playin' it safe... but is it so?). I wanted to be seen, to be acknowledged, to be accepted and loved for the person I am, even wrong, even bad, even difficult. Am I really that difficult anyway? I think the main point is that I wasn't taught about self respect, or I kind of was taught it's something negative, as if it was selfishness (especially boundaries/privacy)... when actually it's far from that. Maybe my caregivers just followed their control/anger issues and narcissism, and kind of unconsciously manipulated me and my need for love to please them and behave properly (so that they could feel enough, safe and okay; judging me while actually judging themselves).

But anyway... despite this need for more, I closed myself off from love. I kept giving it away, doing my best, often failing anyway (when others project their needs on us and how they see themselves on us, they cannot accept anything less than whatever they consider perfect and even then, it may not be enough as it's them not feeling enough anyway). I have tried loving, but it never went well. Being blocked, being a weirdo scared of how I was feeling (not fully being aware of that either) and how I was making others feel, I scared/pushed away many people and others just left cause they couldn't get to give to me the way they wanted to. And at times I couldn't even give properly to them either: I think in order to give, we need to know what we're giving, and also to learn to receive to understand that feeling better. I came to think it was better to love people who didn't know about me, love them in silence and imagine (daydream) a fake me (a better me) and a fake life with them... it was safer: they could never push me away but only love me the way I wanted them to (even toxic love, as I thought that was the good kind of love for me). Not sure this was the reason behind my feelings, but I guess? Anyway there's nothing bad in wanting to be wanted, accepted or loved, at all. But it may be wrong what value we give to that act (or its absence) on us. What we make it mean. If our worth only resides in how much we get and how deserving we feel for others, than that's not good.

But love is something nobody knows much about, they don't teach you about it in school nor at home (unless you have a dog: you can taste unconditional love this way, something you'll always miss in your life after first trying it). Nobody is really ready when it comes to it, we all deal with some demons in our heart anyway. This is why we need to be patient and talk, also with ourselves. It's something you try, learn through the way, make lot of mistakes about, feel weird and unacceptable, unapproachable... and then it's confidence again when you start getting a little back again (but we lose it when the other person gives attentions to other people... jealousy is often a sign of our insecurity and fear of losing someone that we "possess" cause we see in them our only worth and lovability; but why don't we trust them respecting us and choosing us anyway? If they have red flags is it really entirely our fault -us not being enough for them compared with the third person- -and is it really so or just our fear sabotaging us-?). It's too much focused on the outside, on how much we get and how "acceptable" we feel according on whatever social standard we consider we should fit into (we just find flaws in us or in others, if we feel not enough for them), but love should start within, knowing how to love ourselves and what we desire and need, and how to meet those desires and needs. Knowing our worth, knowing how much love and respect we deserve just because we're alive and we have to do nothing impossible to receive it (and that basic respect and kindness have nothing to do with a love interest, very often: we may mistake them as so as we're not used to feel enough and when we do... it must be something very big). Doing what's best for us, accepting only what's really best for us: when we don't, when we only want to be loved (even if what we get is only what we think love is or should be and not what it really is) we just fall into others' traps and play games we may not even want to play to start with (be it in friendships or romatic relationships). And not trying to change others so they meet our standards (the same ones we were taught we need so much to meet to feel lovable enough) or change ourselves to fit their likes (they may be leaving anyway sooner or later, if they are the ones not feeling enough for us). I think love is a meeting of two people working together toward the same goal which is learning and improving, making life less bad and sharing every part of it, every part of them (despite some secrets about our past and stuff we feel bad about are okay to be kept). But it doesn't always work, and that's okay. It only means we weren't the right person for each other. It's not that we're unlovable, especially not at all. We are enough to be loved, even if someone cannot love us the way we would want them to. Someone else will, for sure. Receiving (or saying) a no in a specific situation, of whatever kind it may be, doesn't mean we're gonna get no's forever in every situation because that's what we are enough for or what we deserve (or that we're pretending too much and cannot settle or won't be able to find anyone anymore). Do not make a specific situation something general about your life and/or you.

Move the focus away from those people and remember not everyone thinks the same: being pushed away even more than once by the same type of people (cause we were always searching for love in the people who couldn't give it to us, just because we wanted to prove ourselves we were enough for them -but it's not us the problem...) doesn't mean we cannot change how we look at things (us, love) and start searching for love in the people who can actually see us and love us for who we are. It doesn't mean we're any less, it doesn't mean we're not lovable or that the first people were right. It doens't mean these people loving us are doing it out of pity or because they want something from us. It means they prolly are just the right ones for us. And that maybe we've just learned a little more about us, our worth and how lovely and deserving we are. So we're accepting what we really want and need. And are no more afraid to ask or try, even if things still look deeply scary and we're not really sure of how they'll turn out to be. But we know we have ourselves by our side, and we can survive anything. And being vulnerable is okay: if someone takes advantage of us it's not our fault, not us being naive, it's them not being correct or respectful of another human being. It's not about love or our worth. If we give trust, we're not responsible of what others do with that trust. Love needs vulnerability, needs openness to possible pain. Asks us to not cage ourselves: only this way we can really experience it fully and for real. And find what it is and should be for us (everyone of us has their own definition of love, their own needs and all, and that's fine! Find people who share yours, or that can understand them and meet them through proper compromise with you. Communication is always the key in relationships). And please, find people who supports you and your dreams, and don't block you at every given chance just because (prolly) they want to be the best among you two or because they fear losing you (and try to make you believe you cannot make it). You deserve to try, to ask and fly high always.

[nrilliree]

“Aegon has been debauched and abusive from an early age, and that's okay. In exchange for the benefits, Alicent sells her body - her feet (which has a certain name as a profession…), but that's okay. After all, they are "honor and decency".

But Rhaenyra's children should be treated as inferior people because their mother is promiscuous. That's how it is. This is right and justified.”

Gurl what?

1. No one from TG thinks that aegon’s behavior is ok. He’s a rapist.

2. Alicent sells her body? What? She’s literally being manipulated and blackmailed by larys to show him her feet in exchange for information. Larys has been lurking around alicent ever since ep 5. Not to mention he killed harwin and lyonel and basically blamed alicent for telling him to do it. So he’s prob also holding that over her head and blackmailing her. Dude that’s so messed up that you’d actually blame alicent for what larys has forced her to go through. She looked so disgusted and miserable throughout the entire scene. Calling a woman a whore for being SA is so messed up.

3. Rhaenyra’s children are not abused by anyone? Nor did anyone ever said that they deserved to be? Criston hates them, fine. He’s not kind to them. There’s a big difference between being “treated as interior” and being disliked. Do you really think anyone would dare to mistreat the boys? Viserys and Rhaenyra would’ve killed them.

Nobody? And yet I have seen people (not this specific person) who justify his behavior because he is misunderstood, unloved and maybe he didn't understand the definition of rape, so he didn't know what he was doing was wrong. You can't say it's nothing, because you're generalizing just like I am I'm generalizing ¯_(ツ)_/¯

TG (not that specific person, please note) can call Rhaenyra a slut and I can't use the textbook definition of that word 🤔? A whore is a person who obtains benefits in exchange for services of a sexual nature. Why can TG do something I can't🤔? Could this be bad after all 😱? But is it only bad in one direction? Because I don't think Alicent is a whore, I just started using this term on purpose ¯_(ツ)_/¯

But seriously now. In the ninth episode, Alicent has been queen for 20 years. She hasn't found any allies at court in 20 years? Nobody? Book Cersei was stupid and cruel, and she did better. For 20 years, Alicent still had only Larys and Criston's support, even when Otto returned to his position. Alicent had King's Landing to herself for several years because Rhaenyra was away and did absolutely nothing about it. She found no allies, made no alliances through the marriage of her sons, did nothing. She only continued working with Larys, although after the Strongs' murder she could point to him, because he did not even pretend to mourn and was happy with his new position. Even Criston could see that something was wrong.

3. I may use not entirely correct words or expressions. English is not my first or even second language. I do better in Polish, Russian and German. Sometimes I express myself badly, so maybe "inferior" is not the best word.

Of course they would kill them. They would kill everyone. This is why Criston openly favored Alicent's sons, and when this was brought to his attention, he dragged Jace by the breastplate to face Aegon. Jace was forcibly treated, Aegon was not. This is not treating some as worse than others ¯_(ツ)_/¯

[lyssak09]

hello!! i am super excited to see that you write for the umbrella academy and the walking dead!! could i request a yandere!daryl dixon x reader (maybe set around the farm or prison era) where he’s obsessed with her and wants to start a little family after seeing how adorable Judith is and reader taking care of her? You can make it as dark as you’re comfortable with. thank you so so much <33

Yandere Daryl Dixon

If Daryl knew you before the walkers than his obsession will be 10x worse

Daryl is a possessive, obsessive, short fuse, and a bit stalker/manipulative yandere

He knows your favorite color and everything about you all the down to your schedule

Daryl is scared shitless that you're gonna die from walkers. All because you're too kind and helpful that you forget about looking out for yourself. Every thing you do is locked down in his memory. From your favorite things to your schedule.

He always has an eye on you. And if you ask for even a tiny bit of space then you be extremely guilt tripped or be berated. Like he could bring you to tears if he tired hard enough

Daryl will and has killed for you (not just walkers). You're the love of his life. All you do to him is brighten his day and make him fall in love over and over again.

His punishments are mental and slight physical. But you might not need them.

He will punch around you. Never hit you on purpose. He knows better.

He won't mean to treat you like his father treated his mom. But its what he knows. If you go against Daryl and his rules you will get berated by him

"I'm never gonna hate you. But god damn it! I provide for you in this fucked up world, and this is how you repay me? I should just stick you out in the woods, shouldn't I?!"

Once Lori died and the group settles in the prison, you become a mother to Judith and Carl. Rick is forever grateful about it and starts to see you as more (more on that later)

Daryl thinks it is the cutest thing ever. He might not say it but he will show it with small smiles.

All Daryl wants to do eventually is start a tiny family with you. Whether you like it or not

Judith will babble at you all the time. And Carl will be by your side while morning his mother.

Because of your connection with Rick's children, you two start a romantic relationship sorta quick.

You start to spend more of your time with the kids and Rick. Instead of hanging out with your best friend, Daryl.

Daryl's yandere tendencies will get 100% worse because of that.

Daryl will start to stalk you trying to figure out what is so special about Rick.

Once he finds out about you and Rick he will become hell on earth

Daryl will kidnap you. He will take you to one of two places.

Either a extremely secluded place in the prison or a cabin far far away from everyone

No matter which place he keeps you, he'll have things you want. Daryl even has baby stuff ready. This man is prepared.

Rick will go crazy and depressive searching for you. Carl is spiraling into depression and Judith is really sad :(. Rick will stop at nothing to find you, he needs his Y/N.

If he ever finds you it could lead to an ultimate civil war between him and Daryl. But its unlikely that you'll be found. Daryl is making sure you're his forever.

You'll wake up with a ring on your left ring finger and a man holding you

"Daryl! Let me out! Rick is find out you took me and is gonna save me" you yelled and thrashed against the chains. Daryl dismissed your statement and kissed you. "I am allowed to keep my wife with me and away from others. You were speechless. " I am not your wife, Daryl. I'm with Rick!" You said extremely frustrated. He let out a low growl, "You better watch your mouth, Sunshine.". You flinched but kept talking, "You need to talk to one of our doctor's they might be able to help". Daryl let out a little laugh, "Help with what? I'm happier now than I've been in years. You love me, I have you to myself, and we're starting a family soon. Everything is perfect"

@flowercrowns-goodvibes thank you so much for requesting!! Your request gave me a lot of ideas. One of my ideas for it was pretty dark and involved snatching Judith. If anyone would like to see that come to fruition please let me know. Sorry its short. Feel free to request again! That stands for everyone as well.

[gyllenhaalstories]

Laurie!! 💛 (sorry, I just live in your inbox now 💖)

I'm back on duty and I'm here to tickle the collective fandom brain.

With Presumed Innocent coming out soon (aaaah), I would just like to hear all your thoughts on Rusty. 

Is he guilty? If so, would we still do unholy things with him (duh, obviously)? Or is he just an innocent little guy and only guilty of cheating and murdering pussy? He obviously likes being choked and I'm not complaining. What else might he like? Is he a pancakes or bacon/scrambled egg breakfast kinda guy? He does need his protein tho, for several reasons... 👀

Please let me/us know all your thoughts and hopes for the new show and the character we're blessed with this summer, thank youuuu.

Paying my Rusty tax for inspiration ✨ (again)

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! 💖 it's so good to see you in my asks again, daphne! thank you for the rusty tax (and the painful reminder that i wish this was ME) and the great questions! i've thought about that man A LOT but the majority of those thoughts are just about how badly i need him so... they're not too constructive... let's see what my -1 brain cell comes up with pretty much on the spot! 🤭

i don't think he's guilty. since the first teaser, i just had the feeling that he's innocent and his wife killed carolyn. clearly he has a talent for lying and manipulating facts (isn't it essentially his job?), he even lied to his therapist in one of the recent clips i saw! trying to lie to the human equivalent of a lie detector is both bold and dumb. he's clearly not completely innocent. cheating on your wife is bad but when your wife is ruth negga it's DOUBLE bad! i watched a quick interview of the woman who plays carolyn and oof. renate has something special. so i kind of get it <3 but i am better than a man and i would not ruin my marriage! the text messages and calls he's sending her are also very bold and dumb. he should know better than anyone how to avoid looking guilty. the dna, the messages, the stalking, the affair that was not so hidden since they were going out together and everything, this is just so stupid! he'd probably be so mad if he defended a client who basically did everything he shouldn't do and now tries to plead for innocence. i'm interested to see if we get an insight on how an attorney of his prestige and of his rank can turn into the most stupid person you've ever met. i mean, we know how, he's desperate to get his dick wet. but still, maybe there's more to it. maybe carolyn isn't that sweet, smart, picture perfect girl either. i'm giving her the side eye too.

i'm soooo excited for the show!!! my only point of reference is defending jacob so i like to compare both series. defending jacob had some really good twists so i expect the same from presumed innocent. in my opinion, one of the most powerful plot twists in defending jacob included the mother, laurie (i can still hear chris evans saying i love you laurie it was an amazing moment <3). so maybe that's why i focused on barbara sabich right away. i don't know, i'm so curious to see. i want to watch the original movie after the series, just to compare as well. i might never do it but at least i'm planning on it! anyway. can we just take a moment to appreciate how crazy it is to have this kind of show as your first television project? jake really popped off with this and his acting is absolutely insane in what we've seen so far! everyone in the cast seems solid. i'm guessing they showed most of the freaky sexy scenes in the trailers already to tease the audience, but i'm curious to know if there is more of that good stuff that they're hiding! i'm also looking forward to watch jake and peter saarsgard on screen again! and the glasses. i can't word vomit all of this and not bring up the glasses. now that we know jake is practically legally blind, i proclaim myself the protector of his corneas and i demand that he wears glasses more often. my motivation is purely selfless and it's not because i fold like a folding chair at the sight of jake with glasses (vision pun intended).

i saved the best stuff for last apparently! but mmm. what is that man into? i can't cook to save my life so he's eating cereals for breakfast. i'm kidding! (well not really but still). we know he's into choking, finger sucking, doggy style, public sex/sneaking away in a public setting, he loves the thrill of forbidden things and we see how touchy he is with carolyn so i'm guessing he's into marking because it's like a proof of something that is happening in secret of others? idk, just thinking. i don't know if his stalking habits fall into kinky or just regular obsession over the one thing he can't have under his total control, but i'd lowkey like it if he extended his stalking with some spicy elements. the way he holds on to carolyn, touches her everywhere, it's giving possessive and i love it. the ring though. oh the ring. why doesn't he take it off? does carolyn like it, does she get off knowing she has a taken man under her spell, that this greek god of a man prefers her to his wife? does rusty like the reminder of his cheating? does he like the self-inflicted guilt and pain of being reminded of his horrible and immoral actions? i think there's definitely some masochist tendencies in him. he's so quick to apologize for everything like oh no i might have killed a woman but i'm sorry tho </3 he might loooove the fake pity and fake apologies. whether he uses this tactic or if it's used on him does not really matter. to put it briefly: rusty is a FREAK and i want to be the somebody who matches his freak!

thank you for doing this, daphne! it was so fun to ramble pure nonsense fuelled by the sad 2 hours of sleep i've gotten last night 😭 i can't wait to read this tomorrow and be weirded out by how little sense it makes. i especially can't wait to read this after watching the entire series and seeing how wrongggg i was. it will be just as much fun as writing all of this! mwah mwah ily! 💖💖💖

[blueluneacy]

its time for my yearly post, real

ive been thinkin about dottore genshin impact lately. hes so silly :) did more of a horror aspect bc i like horror??? idk if youve been around long enough youll notice my slow descent into more horror based writings. but its ok, i like it!

on one hand you might be able to consider this yandere. on the other i think this is just how il dottore is in my mind. just a little creep. i wonder if hes single

tw: manipulation, blackmail, implied human experimentation

You were nothing to him. 

In some way or another, you knew that. You knew that you were lowly in comparison to him. You were a student, barely half way into a thesis while he was well… It’s hard to define what he was. An outcast, but a genius. Something out of your grasp, intangible and arcane. Maybe that’s what originally got you interested. You’re a student after all, driven by curiosity and a need for knowledge. Perhaps he liked that about you too. 

It was also that which was forbidden that intrigued you. That which you had seen scholars go mad for, he held in the palm of his hand. Things that you knew that were forbidden were always so delicious, weren’t they? You indulged in them, in what he could give you. It’s not as thought you didn’t give what you could in return, but really, what could you give a man whose power rivaled the gods? You should’ve known better. Your tutors, your peers, everyone could’ve warned you, did warn you, but you chose not to listen. 

After all, he did tell you that this version of himself was the most selfish. 

Perhaps then it wasn’t strange that you never saw what happened next coming. When he told you that it was time to leave Sumeru, you were shocked, almost baffled at the proposal. 

“I can’t just leave everything. I’m still working on my thesis, my friends are here, I still have things to do here.” You told him, as if your words would do you any good. He merely smiled at you, shaking his head as if your points were silly, meaningless. 

“I think you’ll find your research coming to a halt very soon regardless of if you leave or not. It seems that some restructuring will begin to take place here very shortly. It would be best if you were to leave, while you still had your dignity intact.” He always made himself sound so… Reasonable. It was something you once admired about him, but now, it was grating on your nerves. How easily he tossed aside your concerns. Had he always done that, trivialized the words you were saying like this?

“I can’t just give it all up. I’d hate myself if I did that. You should already know, that’s not the type of person I am. This is my life’s work.” You told him, immediately turning your back to him. He only gave you a small chuckle, shaking his head. 

“Oh please. It was an average thesis that’s frankly, derivative and uninteresting. Not to mention your advisor is about to lose his job. You don’t really think it’s worth it just to work 10 more years on something new once the dust settles, do you?” He made broad steps to close the distance between the two of you, leaning over your shoulder. You had always known that the man was much larger than you, but it was the first time you noticed that it made you nervous. Perhaps that was the first time you acknowledged him for what he really was. Not as a friend or a lover, but as the Doctor, a powerful, dangerous man. 

“Even so, I’m a student here at the Akademiya. I can’t pick up and leave just because you told me to. The answer is no.” You had to firm with him. If you weren’t, if you just went with him, you had a feeling that you would end up as nothing but a puppet, a pretty doll to look at for the rest of your life. What a shame that you hadn’t realized such a fact before it was too late. 

“Is that so?” He seemed more amused than he was angry. You winced as he leaned against you from behind, draping his arms over your shoulder in a way that he perhaps meant to be affectionate but felt more imprisoning with his inhuman strength. He leaned down to whisper in your ear. You shuddered as you felt his breath against you , a pit of fear forming in your stomach that threatened to come out as a scream. 

“And what are your plans as to what happens next? I’m sure that everyone would love to know how interested you’ve been with the things I’ve taught you these past few months. How interested you’ve been in that which you knew to be forbidden.” You froze at his words. Was… That his plan all along? To lure you in, and then blackmail you into never leaving? “Do you really think you could just get away with a slap on the wrist for this? Something as horrid as this, well, I doubt there would be must hesitation to sign your expulsion papers.”

“You… Why? Why are you doing this? Why me?” You could’ve help but let your questions tumble out of your mouth. You felt betrayed, but why? Shouldn’t you have always known the nature of this man? How he takes and takes, giving nothing in return. How absolutely foolish.

“Ah, look at that expression! How fascinating. I wonder, what else could I do to induce these emotions in you? Such lovely features being distorted with such despair…”  He cooed, running his hand over your cheek to wipe away a tear. When did you start crying? You reached up to feel your own tears, attempting to brush the Doctor’s hand away at the same time. 

“We’ll have plenty of time to look at more of your reactions once we reach home. I look forward to our continued work together once we reach Snezhnaya.” As his words reached your ears, you finally broke out of your fog, pulling away from the Doctor. You backed up a bit, but he so easily seemed to just step forward once more, not giving you any space. 

“I don’t care. Even if I become an outcast, I’ll bare with it. I… I can *redeem* myself, I won’t just let you take me away to some lab in a bunker somewhere to do who knows what to me!” You shuddered as thoughts raced through your mind of what might happen. Of how he might cut you open, the fluids he could pour into your body, the *agony* he could cause for you only to stitch you back together. You knew of the consequences though. Why are you so surprised when the chickens come home to roost?

For his part, the Doctor only laughed, leaning down and grabbing you by the chin. His grip was hard, and in the back of your mind you wondered if bruises would form later. He forced you to look up at him, examining your expression with a sort of cold clinical air that you should’ve been used to with him by now. 

“Oh, my dear… You act as though you ever really had a choice.” 

Despite your best attempts, the dam finally broke, and you let out a scream as the horror of the man in front of you finally set in. You thrashed, squirmed, cried, begged, pleaded, did anything you could think of to try and escape this, this agonizing situation that you only had yourself to blame for. 

And for his part, all the Doctor did was laugh. 

[short-black-diamond]

Blue lock as a ballroom dancing AU?

would you guys be intersted in a blue lock ballroom dancing AU?

Because I read the manga Ballroom e youkoso (it has one or two seasons as well) and I really loved it.

So like, let me explain. Instead of playing football, the blue lockers are ballroom dancers, and after every stage, they have to perform better and better in blue lock.

And just imagine the starting of Isagi as he loses first place to that blonde (help i forgot his name). Isagi was passing to that one guy in the first episode, right? (I also forgot his name), so, what if it was that guy's fault as well that they lost? Maybe the guy slipped and fell, or their performance was not good enough because of him?

Isagi would for sure be angry at that guy, but he'd get recommended to Blue Lock with Bachira, Nagi, Reo, and the others to become the best Japanese Ballroom dancers in the world.

and so, it comes to the fact that there are more boys than girls (I will make girl OC's and maybe even draw pictures but I'm not sure), and many boys have to dance with each other in order to compete.

Ego Jinpachi is their trainer, or coach, who manipulates them just like the canon one, just in the world of dancing instead of soccer.

And then, you come into the picture as well.

I actually thought about you coming to the entrance were everyone was gathered with your partner who was a tall blonde girl, with shy features.

But, I also wanted to give you an interesting character.

Imagine the following scenario:

You strutted towards one of the new guys, and Anzu (your female partner) stared at you in shock.

"Uh, Yena...? What are you doing?", she asked when you stood in front of Reo. (It could be anyone, but reo is rich and most likely famous, so it was easy imagining him being familiar to you)

"I am collecting my leaders."

"What? But--I thought I was your leader..!", she exclaimed, feeling helpless at your nonchalance.

Reo blushed a little at the thought of dancing with someone as pretty as you, but he still had Nagi. (That boutta change too bro, sorry Reo)

"Here in Blue Lock, only the best dancers can go forth. I lost the last competition because of you, Anzu. Your steps are too hesitant, you bow down to my body too much, and you don't have the face of a person who enjoyed dancing, but rather someone who was forced to."

That made Anzu flinch. "A-and what about you then, huh?!", she tried to reason, but you looked back at her with a serious expression. "I adjusted myself to your level, Anzu. And it's annoying as fuck. I cannot dance to my heart's content when I'm with you."

You turned around. "Remember what I told you when you and I first danced together?"

Anzu remembered too good. and it always pained her to even think about it.

"Don't get used to me when we are dancing. Don't fall for me when we are dancing. I'm a whore in the world of dancing.", she quoted, and you clapped your hands in applause.

"And you wanna know why I'm a whore?", you asked, smirking at her quirked eyebrow.

"It's because I always chase after the next best thing."

Anzu's eyes widened in shock. "Wait, don't tell me...!"

Ego Jinpachi's voice boomed suddenly, putting every single chatter into a stop. "hello, my dear blue Lockers. You all know the reason you're here, right?

In order to secure a world cup victory for Japan, we will create the world's best ballroom dancers."

You were thrilled. Anzu kept staring at you.

---

yeah that was the scenario, and I wanted for Anzu to be in team Z with Isagi in the others, who'd be practising the waltz, slow foxtrott and tango, whereas Yena would be in the team where Karasu and Otoya are. (I can change that too.)

I was just mingling the anime and manga of ballroom e youkoso and blue lock so that I even had dreams of dancing with the blue lockers lol.

Please tell me if you'd like to read something like that <3

[stranger-rants]

Billy hating his father is about self preservation, and I say this from personal experience. When I say hate, I mean that it presents more as indifference but it is born from a hatred for the things this person has put you through. To show any kind of affection or love for this person is to allow this person to hurt you more than they already have because inevitably they will take everything and give you nothing in return.

Maybe his father does something useful for him once in a while and maybe that makes Billy think he can trust his father to have his best interest at heart for half a second, but that's a lie. His father will betray him over and over and it is better for Billy to accept the "help" when he gets it but not let his guard down for a single moment. To maintain an emotional distance from his father is to protect himself from the impact of his abuse.

If Billy slips up and thinks things could be different, he will get hurt because his father displays no real interest in improving their relationship. His abuser is not motivated to change because he views Billy and Billy's emotions as problematic, and he has spent most of Billy's life trying to mold and manipulate Billy into being who he wants him to be. He wants Billy to be compliant. Any kindness he shows to Billy is to make him compliant.

Billy is different from his father in that he feels shame and guilt. He is reactive to situations whereas his father shows a level of control over his emotions that makes his anger and violence seem planned. He sets up his son for failure and Billy gets baited over and over because he's young and he's in fight or flight mode. His father cares about appearances whereas Billy is fighting against everything that his father stands for, conscious of it or not.

I don't buy into the narrative that everything is so cyclical that Neil had his own Neil and they're all just products of one another and that Billy is destined to be just like him if he doesn't turn things around. My own father is a product of entitlement and praise and he will always choose himself over everyone else because that is what he's experienced his entire life. Hating him protects me from disappointment, and reminds me to be better than him.

So, I am okay with Billy hating Neil - I don't think it has to manifest in wanting anything bad to directly happen to his abuser. I think it likely manifests in Billy being okay with never seeing him again. I think it manifests in Billy being okay with not thinking of Neil as his father because he doesn't act like a father should. I think it manifests in him not letting Neil into his life no matter how much Neil "changes" because those changes are not for him.

I have made significant efforts to repair my relationship with my father but while he can act like he's a different person to other people, he is still the selfish manipulative bastard who cheats on my mother and lies about his accomplishments with his inflated ego - the same person who wont admit the multiple times he had endangered my life and once almost killed me, only to say "I don't know why they won't talk to me" the very next day.

Hating my father is therapeutic to me, and I want people to understand that it doesn't mean that this hatred rules over my life or makes me miserable and I want people to understand that it doesn't mean I have any ill will towards my father. It means that I have cut myself off emotionally from this person because they don't deserve any more attention than I am willing to give and I am giving myself the permission not to care about them.

Billy should absolutely have the permission not to care about Neil. The fact that Billy does at some point try to reason with his father and placate his emotions says that a part of him still cares even if it's just to survive Neil's outbursts. But. Billy should have been given the opportunity to leave that man behind and never care about him again. Neil should have had to deal with his absence in that way, not Billy being taken from him by death.

[bellatrixobsessed1]

Care For You

A little Maizula thing for @rei-is-hiding as a thank you for all of the art requests done for everyone! Thanks so much for doing all of those, I hope that you enjoy this little fic. :)

Summary: Mai struggles with the emotional labor of taking care of an injured  Azula.

“I’m not a caretaker.” Mai mutters 

“I haven’t asked you to be one.” Azula grumbles. 

“That’s the thing about you.” She plucks a bowl of antiseptic paste back onto the dresser. “You don’t ask, you expect.” And those expectations are horrifically high. “And what do I get? A headache, stress, the honor of being in your company?”

“You should be thrilled…”

“I’m not.” Mai deadpans. “I’m not enthusiastic about anything really and somehow the thought of spending another moment with you has made me less enthusiastic. In fact she is absolutely overcome by a need to get out of this stuffy room. “You have two legs and an arm, you can do some of this yourself. I’m done.”

“Done?” 

“Are you serious?” Mai sneers. “You really don’t get it? You really don’t get why I don’t want to deal with this anymore…with you anymore?”

Her elegant brows furrow and Mai very nearly feels bad.

Almost. 

“I’ve been tending to your gash and broken arm for about two weeks now and I haven’t heard one thank you. It’s just demand after demand. It’s kind of embarrassing for you honestly.” Mai shrugs. “I didn’t realize that it would only take one broken arm to render you helpless.”

“I’m not helpless.” Azula grumbles. “I can take care of myself just fine.”

“Well that’s great news because you’re going to.” It takes a respectable deal of will power to keep from throwing the roll of bandages at her.

“Mai, wait.”

She could.

She could sit back on that bed and humor Azula. But what then? It would be just a waste of her time and a poor choice for filling her daily social threshold. “TyLee asked me if I would go for ice cream with her.”

“You don’t even like ice cream.” 

“I like it better than listening to you complain.” Mai shrugs. 

“Mai.” 

Her tongue is teeming with comebacks and comments that could leave the princess silently seething–and no doubt she will be stewing over it and completely steaming by the time Mai decides to come back.

If she decides to come back–she has been toying with the idea of going back to live with her aunt without another word to Azula. 

But it makes the princess significantly more resentful to say nothing at all. To offer another nonchalant shrug and head for the door. 

She supposes that she will have her ice cream, come back, and listen to another round of berating. Maybe one day it will prompt her to leave Azula once and for all.

.oOo.

Azula doesn’t say anything at all when she returns for the night. She has clean bandages and has dressed herself. It could be that the servants have done the work for her but she knows Azula better than that by now. This is her handiwork, she can take care of herself. 

“So what am I doing here then?” Mai asks gesturing to Azula’s arm. “You don’t need me.”

She watches Azula trace her fingers over the cast. Admittedly Azula has done a good job with the bandages. They sit upon her hip with a fresh fluff of gauze. She murmurs something. 

“What was that?” Mai quirks a brow. 

“I want you here.” 

“So that I can do everything for you?”

Azula shakes her head. “I can take care of myself.”

“Well you’re going to be doing a lot of that…”

“No!” Azula says abruptly enough, loudly enough to halt Mai. “I want you to…”

“Why?” Mai sighs. “Why do I have to fix you.”

At this Azula falters. “That’s not what this is about.”

“Then what is it about, because all I’ve been doing for the past two weeks is…”

“Spending time with me.” Azula cuts in. “You don’t like spending time with me?”

Mai wishes that the confusion weren’t so authentic. That would make things so much easier. If she could smirk and throw the girl’s manipulations back in her face. “You really don’t get it, do you? You really don’t…” Mai rubs her hands over her face. “If you want to spend time with me then why don’t you ask me to get ice cream like TyLee does.”

“I don’t like ice cream, it is cold.” 

“There are other options.” Mai crosses her arms. “I’m pretty sure that your broken arm doesn’t impact your ability to walk. You don’t need me to take care of you.” But she wants it. Mai can see that much in her eyes. And so she inquires. “Why? Why do you need me to take care of you?”

Azula shrugs. “Isn’t that what people do when they are close? When Zuzu is hurt, Katara is always there and she takes care of him.”

Mai sighs, and exhale and dissipation of her anger. “Zuko doesn’t tell her to take care of him. That’s the difference.” 

“But would you do it if I didn’t ask?”

“Yeah, Azula. I would.” 

“Oh.” 

Mai sighs again. 

Sometimes she forgets. 

Sometimes she has to remember that Azula is still trying to understand, still trying to get a sense of how to talk to people. “You want me to take care of you because you see it as bonding?” She asks. 

Azula nods, “that’s how it works, right?” 

Mai almost laughs. 

But really it is kind of sad. 

“Yeah, that can be how it works.”

“Okay.” Azula mumbles. 

Mai rubs her hands over her face. “If you want me to keep taking care of you I’m going to need you to reciprocate a little.” She finds herself a spot at the edge of the bed and takes Azula’s free hand. 

“Reciprocate.” She tests the word as though the concept is entirely foreign. “But you don’t need help.”

“I never said that it has to be right now. But next time I catch a cold, I want some soup. And I don’t want it from the servants.”

“You don’t want it from me either.” She grumbles. “Unless you enjoy your food burt through and through.” 

“We’ll think of something then.” Mai replies. 

“Okay.” 

“Do you want me to get you something to eat?” Mai asks. 

Azula shakes her head. “Stay with me.” Her brows pinch. “Stay with me?” 

Mai chuckles. “Sure.” At least there has been an attempt.

[jamesunderwater]

a jily microfic - may 2nd: mourning

A/N: okay this is evidently turning into a greater fic, so I've named it and given it a banner, but the plan is to challenge myself to continue it each day with the jily microfic prompts. also...i am so sorry, in advance. @athenasparrow here is your continuation </3 thank you for reading!

a continuation of this fic! word count: 1607 - @jilymicrofics content warnings: underage drinking, underage sexual content, minor manipulation, implied parent death, implied parental abuse

leave out all the rest - linkin park Forgetting All the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well Pretending Someone else can come and save me from myself I can't be who you are I can't be who you are

Lily remembered the sag of his shoulders as he walked away, so caught in the image of it that she failed to blink until her eyes stung and watered. In all the years she’d known him, she had never heard James Potter’s voice sound in one moment so raw, so feral, and in the next so empty. Dead, as though he’d just finished burying her body and was looking down at the padded earth unfeeling. 

She could handle his ferality. In fact, she’d hidden a smirk at first, her body finally coming back to life as he screamed at her - yes, I’ve made you feel something, now make me feel something. Tear me in two. But it was the emptiness that had her mind suspended in midair hours after he’d stormed off. “Good riddance,” he’d said. Good riddance good riddance good riddance good riddance. Yes, she was a phantom that needed banishing. He’d done a good thing.

The whole thing had not started off as an attempt to use him. Really, it had started with very little thinking on her part. She had returned from break determined not to shed another tear for a man who had done nothing but hurt her. Good riddance. Instead, she discovered it did not take much firewhiskey to turn her brain to static, that she could schedule patrols to always avoid Remus, that long, empty corridors filled with sleeping portraits were an excellent place for a prefect to drink unbothered late into the night. 

And one night he showed up, seemingly out of thin air, voice loud and boisterous and always with her name at the tip of his tongue. “Evans! Now what is our diligent prefect doing on the stone floor at 2am?” 

A multitude of universes hung in the air before her, and Lily will never really know why she chose the one in which she teased him into joining her, offered him her flask, and held her breath while his radiance poured warmth over her numbed body. 

It was 4am and they’d spent the last 30 minutes impersonating Binns lecturing on the lewd sexual history of the Hogwarts founders when she noticed him staring, mouth open in a silent laugh, and what she should do next suddenly seemed clear. 

“Where is this side of Perfect Prefect Lily Evans in the daylight hours?” He asked, genuine despite how he tried to tease. 

She shrugged, smirking, “Maybe not everyone deserves to see this side.”

His eyebrows rose. “And I, the lowly James Potter, am deserving?”

“Evidently so.”

His eyes dropped to her lips for the briefest moment, and the anticipation she felt was the first thing in weeks to cut through the endless ache. She let him watch her eyes dart to his mouth, too, and saw the way his chest tightened as he held his breath. It was sweet, that he thought he could ruin the moment. That he thought he had any control at all.

She leaned forward, catching his eye, and there was hunger there. She felt it too, some creature that had been living inside her for who knew how long, more eager than she’d expected. She didn’t know, then, whose hand reached up first, who closed the final inch between them, only that a moment later his hand was in her hair and the heat of his lips on hers was better than any static the firewhiskey offered. She breathed his name between kisses and he groaned, losing whatever control he might have had before. He was pulling her on top of him and she was scrambling to feel his body and they were swimming, they were underwater, they had to be, how else could she feel nothing but his hands on her?

He’d stopped things, that first night. The gentleman she’d never expected, and didn’t want. But every night after they pushed things further, and soon she didn’t need the firewhiskey. The waiting to be with him each night was intoxicating enough, their looks across classrooms flooding her with desire, a dam against the rising current.  

It had been six weeks of this, of meeting in quiet corridors and abandoned classrooms, of her pushing him against the wall before he could say a word, of him nervously slipping a hand up her skirt, of her leaving hickies just beneath his collar line, of him making her laugh even in the middle of the heat of it all, of her pulling back from a kiss just to see the way he grins when he opens his eyes and it’s her standing there. 

But March 14th was her father’s birthday, and no amount of lust kept the thoughts at bay. He would have been 51, he would have been 51; good riddance good riddance good riddance good riddance. 

When James found her that night, she was a few shots into her flask of firewhiskey and eagerly offered him some. “Are you alright?” he asked, and the concern in his voice made her want to slap him. He didn’t know. He didn’t need to know. No one did. 

“Yes, and I’ll be much better when we’ve got some of those clothes off…” He rolled his eyes with a smirk, but she thought she noted a hint of falsity in it. “Drink up!” she declared, motioning to her flask in his hand.

He did, and she was grateful. They seemed to share the same buzz - the feeling that nothing could quite touch them, that time slowed and bowed to their every whim. They stood on abandoned desks and tables and declared the classroom their kingdom, giggled into each other’s arms at the childishness of it all. When things did start, it was somehow sweeter than usual. James touched her earlobe tenderly and she softened into his touch, sighing into their kiss. When he unbuttoned her blouse it wasn’t with the same impatience, and she felt each and every time his fingers brushed over her breasts. This was good - different, enough to distract her wandering thoughts. But she needed more.

They were pressed bare-chested together, he without any trousers, when she said it. “You–you do?” He stuttered, and she felt the hammering of his heart reverberate through her. 

She stood on her toes to capture him in another kiss and said, “yes, please, James,” against his open mouth and when he moaned, she knew he’d acquiesce. 

There was a wide-set bench at the back of the classroom they’d used before. It wasn’t without its awkward moments, but just before, when James had leaned up and looked down at her with the most earnest, caring eyes and asked if she was sure, she’d said, “Yes. I just want you,” and part of her had meant it. Most of her, though, just wanted to feel something different. 

After, she was lying on his chest, and he was tracing images on her back, when she felt it. He traced a flower. And she remembered. And the sob escaped her before she could stop it. 

“Lily?” James’s voice was almost frantic with worry as she scrambled off of him, holding a hand to her mouth. The tears fell, fell, fell, and she couldn’t stop them despite the embarrassment staining every inch of her. “Lily, what’s wrong?” He was reaching for her, but she was stumbling backwards, shaking her head. 

“No,” was all she croaked out, and then it was her flying around the room trying to find her discarded clothing, and him chasing after her, and her shaking him off, and him with those eyes, devastated.

“Lily, I’m so sorry, I didn’t-”

“James, no, I’m - I’m sorry.” She didn’t meet his eye. Her shirt was buttoned haphazardly, her skirt crooked, socks gone. “I thought - but I can’t. I’m sorry.” And she left him standing there, naked, confused, and - he hadn’t been wrong - used. 

They didn’t speak for five days. 

James gave it every effort to meet her eye, to catch her between classes, even came to sit beside her during dinner in the Great Hall, but by the third day he’d evidently decided to respect her space. She still saw his eyes, though. Devastated, no matter where they were looking. 

Then, one morning, he walked up to her so quickly that she didn’t have the chance to flee. “You’re in mourning.” No greeting, no preamble. He looked down at her on the stone bench and spoke as if he’d solved something. Not proud, but with some feeling like now he understood. 

She stared at him for a very long time. How had he found out? And who was he, to think he knew anything at all? The affection she’d felt toward him slithered down her skin and pooled at her feet. He thought that because he’d had her body, he deserved her tears. That he could dry them. 

“Fuck you, James Potter. You don’t know me.”

He faltered for a second, then seemed to recover. “Don’t I? Why didn’t you just tell me? Lily, I want to be there for you-”

She stood so suddenly that they were toe to toe, knees nearly knocking together. “Did I ask you to? No. I asked you to fuck me, and you did, and that’s that. Leave me alone.”

“Lily!” He’d called after her, and she could still hear it in his voice: care, hope. She threw up in the nearest bathroom before heading to Charms.