#or maybe Ill take this month to post all my old stuff

[lerildeal]

Just some fish

[crushedsweets]

What is your au!? If you did post about it it's super deep and I can't find it

im gonna talk so much oh my god. basically, i just tried to make a singular, coherent storyline for the characters.

i have a website here and my tag here . . some stuff is outdated. maybe ill make another sideblog for it too if that can make it easier to navigate...

So. There was this thousand old creature living in the mines of a (fictionalized) Tuscaloosa forest. it was dormant for centuries, until year 2000 and it woke up and broke into two halves - The Operator and Slenderman

the operator wants to get out of the forest. escape the mines, roam free, exist wherever. slenderman wants to go back into hibernation and rest in the forest.

the operator cannot go too far without slenderman, since he has the physical part of the entities being - which is why the operator infects people with O/S syndrome. it's basically slender sickness, with dizziness, nausea, blacking out, losing track of days/weeks/months, aggression, etc. he uses this to disrupt the world around him and lash out against slenderman

in turn, slenderman force feeds O/S 'patients' with his physical body. this forces the victim to eventually 'recover' from the illness. it can take weeks/months, and is similar to withdrawal symptoms with additional layers of aggression, bloodlust, etc.

once they are 'healed', he starts using them as proxies. not all of them, but once he has Kate, Tim, Brian, and Toby, he sends them out to 'save' other Operator victims. some people succumb to the illness and die/are arrested, and some people are 'healed' but tossed away cuz slendy doesnt want them.

additionally, the proxies are treated like herd dogs who keep cryptid beings/ghosts/etc out of the public eye and in the forest. literally will round up and chase creatures like the rake back in

as a result, i changed a lot of peoples origin stories OR i gave them a hyperspecific story that isnt canon AT ALL...

OVERALL, the main point of my AU is the Operator and Slenderman using people as pawns in their 'war' AND trying to focus on the characters growing past their backstories and with one another. most of the cast arent killers because theyre sadists, theyre either completely sick and not in control of their body, or are forced to as their 'job'. but there are some people who are still the traditional creepypasta killer, like Jeff and Ann... LOL

i have a little map and everything :3

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 5.28.2024

So I actually *did* start my next request story. Most of the time, when I go to write a story, it's got a really obvious POV character. This time I waffled for a bit between the two main characters. I was going to do it from Orihime's perspective, but then the more I thought about it, I realized there were some distinct advantages to writing it from Renji's perspective instead. I got 500 words in and then realized that maybe I wanted to do it from Orihime's perspective after all. idk idk. Renji's got more interesting contextual information on the situation that he's not going to say out loud, but I want Orihime to do some cool stuff with her powers and I'm not sure how to describe that without doing it from her POV.

I decided to take a little break from it and finish up my Pumpkin Ghost Orihime (with bonus ghost bats!), and I did that.

And then I got sick.

It's only, been, like a mild illness, but it's really sapped all my energy and I haven't felt like being creative. Every day I say "I will definitely be better tomorrow!"

I really want to get back to my story because I am actually very excited about it, even if I have to write the entire thing out twice and then figure out which one is better (or switch narrators halfway thru which I think would be clunky at best). I just know I spent a bunch of time trying to work out all the things that happen last week and I didn't write them down and now I'm not sure if I remember where I was going with this or not. :( :( :(

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for me that my brain comes back from the war soon. Also, this week I'll be posting the end of Damage History, which is a little sad (happy-sad?). The last flashback in Ch 12 gave me a sudden hankering to work on Can't Believe I Found You in that Town, my perpetually neglected Renruki teen scumbag story, which picks up a couple of months after they get back from Kitajima's and bridges the end of their time in Inuzuri up to go places. idk idk. I have also been contemplating cleaning up the old, original Renji-breaks-an-arm story, since it got changed considerably in its adaptation into Damage History, but I think the original still has a lot of its own charm and also maybe some people don't want to read 500k worth of Heart is a Muscle (their loss, obvs)

Too many plans, not enough spoons, we'll see what I manage to get around to doing.

[lilacs-world]

I feel like I’m chronically not okay but idk if I’m valid enough to label myself as chronically ill. I am able to work 40h a week but with the cost of laying in bed the rest of the day when I’m back home. In the weekends I sleep mostly. My room is a disaster because I never have the energy to tackle the chaos. I wished I was able to walk to work and back but standing for more than 15 min is already exhausting me and I get dizzy and lightheaded. I am constantly in pain, my normal pain level is on good days at a 2 on bad days it’s at a 4 or 5 but maybe I’m too modest about my pain due to fear of admitting I’m not okay. I am always tired even if I sleep usually enough. At times I feel more refreshed with only 4 hours of sleep hell knows why. I am waking up daily at 5:45am to get myself ready for 8am work. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be a functioning adult. I am scared of the moment I will unmask bcs im masking daily due to Audhd. Plus daily I’m confused because we are often switching and my quality at work at times fluctuating and my TLs wondering wtf bcs we know u know all the processes so wtf. Daily I feel like I know only a specific part of the processes and I have days where I ask so many questions that one of the TLs told me they are growing gray hairs bcs of me asking so much. The doctors in my country are shit when I mentioned suspecting we are a system they said nah it’s just ur anxiety. When I questioned if I have adhd my former psych said nah only kids can have it. My former therapist said yeah after unofficially diagnosing me with it. Autism I suspect that too and I got my confirmation more or less from my bf who’s on the spectrum as well. He got his confirmation he has adhd as well by me noticing lots of adhd things in him and he has now meds whilst me is in this godforsaken country that isn’t taking me seriously. I got my confirmation I have adhd when I took speed and realised for the first time "so this is how neurotypicals experience their life?" I for once had a train of thoughts in order and not a carambolage of luggage’s getting stuck in the baggage claim belt. I sobbed so hard. On good days I am able to remember and memorise lots of shit. But on bad days I barely anything. My body is out of control. I have pcos and it’s ravaging my body. I grow hair on my chin and arms and it’s making me uncomfortable and I developed anxiety about having hair in my face to the point over pluck and over shave it. My period is out of control. I either bleed for 2 months consecutive or I don’t have my period for 6 months. I am anemic due to it. I am such a pale human that I’m constantly being asked if I am okay. Oh yeah not to forget having an autoimmune disease since I am 2 years old. Having to deal with psoriasis break outs each winter where I end up being covered on my legs, arms , ass with skin patches of psoriasis. At times it’s even in my eyebrows and on my scalp. Each winter is a torture for me. I am battling with depression as well. Luckily this last year it wasn’t so overbearing and I felt more human than I used to in the past. Nonetheless my anxiety is ravaging and leaving me crippled daily. I sound ridiculous talking about myself rn bcs in my brain I feel like you aren’t this sick or unwell you are faking this you are a horrible human for saying all this things but I know it’s probably my internal ableism and the internal critical subconsciously developed voices of my surroundings telling me I’m not actually sick and I need to go to work even if sick etc. Sigh. Idk where I wanted to go with this whole post. I know you guys don’t see often a personal post from me or posts from me and more reblogs of stuff I enjoy seeing and stuff I wanna boost and stuff I find important or relatable or stuff that I think might make someone feel better and less anxious or feel seen. I hope this is fine. I hope being more real is helpful. Maybe I should do this rambling on my other blog @unfilteredrealities where I tried to talk about life in a real way , unfiltered. You can even send in your own submissions if u want to.

Anyway thanks for reading my ted talk.

TLDR: I don’t know if I’m actually chronically ill and if I’m valid enough to label myself as that and then I rambled about my life experiences with audhd, did, anxiety, depression, pcos, psoriasis and there are more but I’m exhausted.

[cocolacola]

hellsing pokemon au !!

as promised, im going back to my usual hellsing shenanigans with some pokemon stuff. ive had this in my brain for months but have never gotten around to doing anything with it! my autistic ass has absorbed information about pokemon before i could have normal thought patterns, so hopefully my takes are at least a little satisfying. feel free to interact with ur own thoughts and suggestions!

i provided long explanations of each, but if you dont want to read all that just look at the pictures :P

long post ahead!

note: these aren't definitive teams, just me throwing around ideas. don't take this as the holy grail of headcanons or anything.

seras victoria

boltund would be her first pokemon i think, her main partner from before her work with the organization. togetic is here because idk im a togetic 4lifer and im a kinnie ? it just really made sense to me, just vibes, plus i think she really needed a flying type. may become a togekiss later, that would be cute. umbreon is pip's eevee that she evolved, and blastoise is a gift from walter. i think she needs more red pokemon to match her color palette and vampire vibes so ill probably add to this!

alucard

alucard needs a legendary of course, so darkrai. i think they would be good friends, they give the same "misunderstood tortured soul" vibes. houndoom to represent baskerville, noivern to fit the vampire/bat aesthetic.

and an important distinction:

i think girlycard should have a hisuian sneasel. they're the same critter. two ancient beings.

sir integra

im surprised with how much i struggled with this one. i feel like a fake fan. smh, anyways. sirfetch'd is perfect to me-even the unevolved farfetch'd is super fitting too-but i included the final form for this post. i wanted to stick with galar pokemon, but aegislash is literally a sword. cmon. stoutland is a recommendation from a friend that i 100% agree with. ive always associated her with the serperior line, so snivy was probably her starter. i think that'd be cute. im really open to suggestions on this one because i think she deserves more steel or normal types.

pip bernadotte

this is a big one! there were so many good options with pip... and i didnt even mean to color code it 😅 i wanted him to have an electric type to match seras (to add to the whole rivals-to-lovers aesthetic), so his main partner is raichu! it was between that or mudsdale, who i also really like (and is the only one on this team who cant be found in kalos, haha). i wanted him to have a bird (for the geese) so there's dodrio. scrafty and tauros just fit the vibe perfectly to me-they're sorta like honorable mentions. eevee is originally his but he eventually gives it to seras, who evolves it into umbreon. if pip would have kept it, i think it would have evolved into sylveon (the whole kalos thing).

walter c dornez

some interesting picks for walter. corvisquire is his main guy, his "angel of death", he's raised it from a rookidee since he was a kid. maybe it would evolve into corviknight when he becomes Dark Walter. not sure how that would work. i choose not to think about dark walter. bisharp is there for the steel typing vibes as well as the chess symbolism: it really hits right for me, with walter's arc being about how he's played as a "pawn", in a sort of way. also a nod to a very dear friend of mine who loves walter and the pawniard line respectively. :) now, why leavanny, you ask? it learns string shot, of course! also because id like to think he would raise a sewaddle in his old age to help him with things around the estate.

..aaand im out of room for images in the post! i'll make a part 2 with some bonus thoughts + the iscariot organization if i feel like it. bye for now!

[jungwnies]

hi maeby! its been a while, im sorry this took too long and I don’t know exactly when you’ll see this but know that i’m writing this on december 16 for reference hehe (this will essentially be a 2023 recap but ill try to be as short as possible)

last time i was here i think it was the end of june or beginnings of july and a lot has happened in my life, on august i turned 21 and i also went to the eras tour!! definitely one of the best days ever in my life and maybe top 3 on best days of 2023  🤍

talking about my birthday its little sensitive topic, for the past five years or so my birthdays has kind of been something that I’ve dreaded so much and i'm just the opposite of happy, its like those posts you see everywhere of people crying in their room during their birthdays and this year wasn’t  the exception, this years birthday..lets just say it will be memorable but leaving that aside august was kind of okay

the concert experience may be on of my favorite memories just because it feel so cathartic, it was just so beautiful talking to strangers and us bonding over music and art, listening and singing to my favorite songs, getting to go to a concert for the first time on my own, traveling with my sister (just the two of us) for the first time, all the beautiful pictures and videos and people that i keep with me because of that one experience it just something that I will eternally be grateful for (also, so. many. friendship. bracelets.)

i remember looking back at my life and my lowest points in it and thinking (and hopefully it won’t get too sad) “well maybe someone out there was right, i just needed to hang on a little tighter, cause imagine missing out on this” 

september was filled with delicious food and me going out a little more often

in october was my sisters birthday, so she held a halloween costume party and i got to dress up as an elf/fairy, i also went to one of my best friends birthday party and felt amazing seeing a couple of familiar faces after months, and some of them even years, waiting. also yes, this means i ate a lot of cake on october (my moms birthday was also on this month hah). i also took a ceramic class. i loved it (I made a small bowl :))

november i went out a lot, bought new clothes, bought christmas decorations, studied korean, went to the doctor cause i thought i was going to die (turns out im not, even far from it : im as healthy as a horse) 

and as of december, planning christmas dinner with my mom and sister, got a bad haircut that made me cry so hard and then got it fixed at another salon, had dates with friends, retook ceramic classes (i made two cups, three heart shaped plates and a little jewelry organizer), scheduled one more therapy session before the year ends after months of not going, took more buses this month than in my whole life and i guess im slowly figuring out my stuff a little more. 

i discovered new artists this year, feel in love again  with old ones that I had forgotten about, learned new cooking recipes, got a little more out of the house than last year, made amends with my body and established boundaries even though it hurt :)

turning 21 this year essentially meant a lot, i don’t want to go into more detailed as to not make this any longer but lets just say im planning on getting 21 tattooed on my next year haha

i hope the rest of the year was kind to you, if you feel comfortable to answer with maybe your favorite parts of 2023 would be great! if not just know that i love you and missed dropping by here, hopefully starting 2024 i'll be back here regularly <3<3

take care, stretch, rest all you need, take your time, and remember that im always right here rooting for you and hugging you 🩶🩶🩶

happy holidays :) love youuuuu

-🧸anon

hiii 🧸anon <3

it has been literally so long, i was taking a break from tumblr, honestly i didn't even think i'd come back but seeing this upon logging in literally brought joy to my heart knowing you're still around! :)

i've read everything, from your birthday to your christmas dinner with your mom and sister. starting with your birthday i'm glad that 2023 you had a memorable birthday after dreading it for so many years, and i hope 2024 also brings you joy! onto the concert next, i know exactly how you feel, it's something that you don't feel often and the crowds are just so amazing because it's people who share the same love for the same artist, and it's like you are in your own little world for a few hours. next, september & october, i'm glad it was filled with food and another birthday, it seems so fun to have a halloween themed birthday honestly!! november, i'm glad it was a good month besides the scary doctors visit >.< december seemed to have been a busy month for you, and hopefully your hair is okay now :( hopefully the therapy sesh went well. I'm glad your year was overall not too shabby, and I'm glad that you had a lot of character development. Hopefully 2024 brings you absolutely nothing but joy! 🖤

now onto my year, i guess i'll go with the highlights. i essentially had a relatively good year, i was able to do a lot of things, and uni was not too stressful, but it's a little harder this semester. starting with my august, i didn't do much except get ready for the semester, signed up for my september classes etc etc, it was relatively boring. my september was a little more eventful, i took a marine biology class which was so fun, and i'm not even majoring in marine bio, we got to talk about sea legends and a lot of the lore behind mermaids and other stuff. in october i did the same thing, but i made one of my best friends ever, except uhhh we're not really friends anymore as of recently, but my heart goes to them, they meant alot. in november i built a new computer, a little nerdy but i actually really enjoyed it except i had a mental breakdown trying to do cable management LMFAO 😭😭in december i had a good month, except the basement flooded so that wasn't very slay but regardless it was a good month filled with nothing but holiday spirit and gifts.

now with a short little update on my 2024, because it's been awhile. in january i went back to school for the second semester, and it's been tough i'm not going to lie. i also got a boyfriend so like !?!??! kinda crazy, he's not too bad but like every relationship we definitely have our downs. in february, it was a short month but nonetheless eventful this is the downfall of me and bestie tbh, but it's okay he was like a life lesson or something!?!?! now this month, it just started and it's been great, it's midterm week right now so i'm a bit stressed, but i also suddenly got motivation to go back on youtube and write on tumblr again, so i'm super happy about that :)

i hope 2024 is kind to you and gives you a lot of joy! remember to take care of yourself, just as you always say to me, stretch, rest all you need, take your time, and remember that im always right here rooting for you and hugging you as well! ❤️❤️❤️

have a great year, and i hope to see you again 🧸❤️

[naturalrights-retard]

“In March of 2020, my entire world changed.  When … I tweeted out something that said something like this: ‘Why are the media scaring everybody when this virus only affects the very old and those that are already ill?’,”  Le Tissier said.

“Well, I wasn’t really prepared for the response that I got,” he told the dinner attendees flashing a cheeky grin. “Up until then, I was kind of getting maybe a few hundred likes on stuff that I would post on social media, mostly about sports.  [But] when I tweeted that, it came along with the most vile abuse I think I’d ever seen on social media.  But at the same time, that tweet in March 2020, got 40,000 likes. I’d never had anything like that before.” 

The vile abuse he received made him realise that something wasn’t quite right.  He continued to question the Government’s covid narrative and in August 2020, “Sky Sports had finally had enough of me and decided to sack me,” he said.

At that point, covid “vaccines” were already being discussed in the media.  Le Tissier had already decided that he wasn’t “going anywhere near those vaccines” because “common sense and a little bit of critical thinking” told him that vaccines don’t get produced in such a short period of time. “How can you possibly have any kind of long-term safety data in the space of 11 months,” he said.

Asking all these questions came along with a lot more abuse on social media.

In 2021, after the rollout of the covid injection campaign, Le Tissier noticed several footballers started to collapse on the playing field and games were being stopped because of medical emergencies.  A phenomenon he hadn’t witnessed before in his long career.  He contacted the Professional Footballers Association (“PFA”), the players’ union, and told them his concerns.  He got an unsatisfactory response.

As more young, fit, healthy athletes collapsed, Le Tissier got more and more frustrated why no investigation was being conducted.  In November 2021, he tweeted; “Hey, FIFPRO, are you not a little concerned about how many of your members are suffering heart problems during matches?  And if you are, what action are you taking on behalf of them?”

[crush-zombie]

Where I am in life? Things that have happened. The continuing circus of the wild west of my existence. It's a long post ;

I lived in Ontario for three years, from 2018 to 2022, in a couple of places.

The friend I was supposed to move in with, to ease my spiralling depression, backed out at the last moment with threats. The "you're lucky I'm not around or I'd beat your ass" kind of threats, because I refused to give up and let despair engulf me.

I ended up in the basement of a friend of my mother's for a year. For apartment-finding (and legal) reasons I had my sister (and her partner) come as well, and after a year of searching and filling out applications the three of us got kicked out. We stayed in the woods by a highway for a week before getting sent to a homeless shelter.

2 months there was bad. The details probably aren't necessary, but it was dehumanizing.

After that we ended up in one of Canada's "hot spots" for Covid when the pandemic broke out. It took about a month there before my sister's partner started (continuing to) abuse me. My sister didn't care. My illness(es) had been intensifying all throughout those years, but they really hit a fever pitch at this time. I spent a lot of time gasping on the floor.

Along with my illness(es), during all this time I was struggling with suicidal feelings and urges. That's why I moved to Ontario to begin with-- I hoped things would be better there somehow, like a complete idiot ;

After threats from my sister and her partner a friend back in Newfoundland offered me an out. I returned, tail between my legs and my dog, who I dragged through all this chaos, was getting so old he can barely walk. My energy was so, so low and I put just about all of it into caring for him.

About 6 months into living with my friend she unloaded all her issues with me (that I studied like a motherfucker, because I am and always am convinced that I'm the problem in everything)-- that I eat too much, I don't clean the house enough, I'm "disrespectful" (conversely another friend often tells me I'm "too polite"), I "over parent" her daughter (this still confuses me), that she didn't believe I was disabled, that covering for my old, sickly dog was disgusting. I spiralled very hard, and got brought out to the dining room table to be told all the things I should be doing and what I was doing wrong. Immediately afterwards I started planning my suicide. My dearest (internet) friend kept me from death, but in its place I started developing an eating disorder, eating nothing but one meal a day (which sometimes didn't happen) and being nearly bedbound with hunger and exhaustion every day. I started cleaning the house, sweeping, tidying, doing the dishes and folding laundry for the two other adults and one child in the house. No-one complained. I'm convinced everyone in the world would be flattered to have someone bend to their neuroses.

When I forced myself to stop believing I was disabled I lost the language to describe my experiences. I ended up with a counselor in a matter of a week because of my mental state, and he had the unfortunate and arduous job of piecing my shattered mind back together. It's still missing bits... rough in a lot of places.

April of last year, I had to put my dog down. I was spending all my time taking care of him because he couldn't even stand anymore, and the vet really laid it down for me: this was it. So... Even just writing about it puts a lump in my throat and hot tears in my eyes. Grief is hellish agony, maybe the worst I've ever experienced. "I wouldn't be surprised," my counselor said, "you loved that dog more than most people love their own children."

In June I moved again. Currently I'm renting a room with a bunch of dirty 20-something-year-olds who do nothing but smoke weed all day every day and spend 8 AM every morning coughing until they urge, so I roll over and stuff ear plugs in my ears. At least they seem to be good people, and they know to keep their noses out of my business. And $600 for a single room and access to a (disgusting) bathroom, a (disgusting) kitchen and a (disgusting) laundry room with everything included is far, far from the worst I've had. I'm poor, but... it's something, and something isn't nothing.

[werewolf-cl4ws]

Hello again! Another long gap between posts but for the last few months creative stuff has been kinda hard/not quite hitting the right notes.

But I stumbled onto some folks doing "Wholesome Sonic and Tails Wednesdays" and it set me off on my current obsession on just wanting to dive a little more into my version of these two's relationship and such.

But this is also me and I had to connect it to some angst . Or more specifically my AU of an AU involving my TimeSkip stuff where Sally is the one that goes missing and I accidentally made it more traumatising for Sonic lol

This got long, too. Like 7916 words long. I don't know how long that takes to read but I did want to warn people that it got long just in case.

I've also never done content warnings before so bear with me here. There's mentions of trauma, disordered eating, and old people being yelled at. I'm trying to be more mindful of content I write for warnings just in case.

I also made a universal tag for this version of my TimeSkip AU so they're easier to find. Hopefully. This is Tumblr.

It was a little after midday when Tails ventured towards the edge of Neo Knothole, his breath puffing white in the chilled air as he stomped through the fresh layer of snow that had fallen the night before.

To him it wasn’t too cold, his thicker winter coat along with his padded jacket making short work of the cold, but the village was quiet at this time of the day as almost everyone had retreated indoors to escape the ever lowering temperatures. Even on this journey Tails swore he encountered maybe two other mobians the most, and they too were also heading indoors, not wanting to deal with the cold any more than they had to.

Which meant that maybe, just maybe, he could convince a certain recluse of a hedgehog outside.

For the last couple of days Bunnie had been ill, unfortunately thanks to the winter chill she had caught a particularly nasty cold that all but completely knocked the cyborg rabbit off her feet. She had tried valiantly to continue her duties of watching over the village, but after barely making it through the first day of her illness the remaining Freedom Fighters had forced her to go to bed and rest, and took turns to make sure she stayed put while attending to other duties in her absence.

Before she reluctantly gave in, Bunnie had also asked Tails to check in on Sonic to make sure that in Bunnie’s absence he didn’t fall into his own trap of bitter solitude. Which he was doing now that he had finally gotten a small break from his imposed duties.

Tails couldn’t help the wince of sympathy at the thought. It had been about seven months since Sonic’s return, maybe more, and the hedgehog was... Tails wasn’t really sure what he could say about Sonic’s current condition. Sonic had gone through many changes – both figuratively and literally – and they had all compounded into making Sonic withdraw from the world. Doubly so since he had his own hut built, where he had chosen to have located so far out from the rest of the village that Tails felt like he was trekking into an unknown world through the snow to reach him.

Up until this point Bunnie had been mainly looking after Sonic, with Bookshire’s help and on occasion the other Freedom Fighters in the rare moments that Sonic allowed them to. Tails had stepped in a few times himself, and whenever he did Sonic always seemed okay, but Tails could sense the underlining misery Sonic was trying to hide from him, which made Sonic gently push the fox away for both their sakes.

It probably didn’t help Sonic either that Sally was still missing, and with his main voice of reason and means of grounding himself gone, the hedgehog seemed to be utterly lost and endlessly spiralling in this new chapter.

Tails’ chest tightened at the reminder of his adoptive aunt’s disappearance, and he forced a gulp of freezing air into his lungs to get it to loosen. Everyone was feeling Sally’s absence, but Sonic had been gone when Sally went missing, so Tails could imagine how shocking that would have been to him. So much so that everyone feared that it actually broke him.

Well, despite all that, Tails still wanted to make an attempt. He just prayed that he could catch Sonic in one of his seemingly rare good graces today.

Eventually he reached Sonic’s hut, and took a moment to stand on his porch and catch his breath before knocking on the door. He waited, his long ears perked for any signs of life inside, then frowned when he heard nothing. The fox tried again, only to get the same result, and for a brief moment Tails wondered if maybe Sonic had actually left his hut for once on his own accord.

Glancing around himself Tails quickly dismissed the thought. Sonic hated the cold, and under normal circumstances he would usually do anything in his power to stay inside where it was warm. The cold would just be another reason for Sonic to back up his antisocial behaviour.

When no signs of life made themselves obvious however Tails sighed, and took a chance with the doorhandle. To his surprise the door was unlocked, and he pushed the door open to allow himself inside.

The hut was dark, with only some spots of light coming through the few shutters that weren’t completely shut or blocked by the forest surrounding Sonic’s hut outside. Tails’ night vision was able to kick in thanks to those bits of light, which allowed him to take in the disarray the hut had gotten into.

Sonic had always been a messy mobian, but Tails always remembered Sonic’s hut being more organised chaos than a straight up mess. Tails had to wonder if it always looked like this, or if everything began piling up after Bunnie got sick and stopped checking in on Sonic. Tails also wondered how Sonic managed to accumulate so much stuff in such a short amount of time – even with the few belongings Tails had managed to salvage from Knothole for Sonic on the chance of his return, he doubted he had managed to save this much.

As Tails looked around his eyes focused onto Sonic’s bed, spotting what looked like the hedgehog’s entire collection of blankets piled on top of it, and somewhere in that mass a pillow. The only thing that gave Sonic’s true position away was his long tail sticking out from under the blankets, as he could see and hear the tip of it slapping irritably against the floorboards. Which told Tails that Sonic was awake, and aware of his presence.

“No,” Sonic muttered, his voice muffled yet stern.

“I haven’t even said anythin’ yet,” Tails sighed as he stepped closer to Sonic’s side, making sure to glance down at the floor with each step so that he wouldn’t trip over anything.

To his surprise however the tip of Sonic’s tail stopped twitching, and Sonic lifted his pillow just enough so that he could peek out from under it so he could look at Tails. In the darkness Sonic’s amber eyes reflected strangely, for a brief moment making the hedgehog look wild to Tails, and his slit pupils widened as they tried to catch more light to see better.

“Oh. Hey, Big Guy,” Sonic greeted one he spotted Tails, all traces of any annoyance gone from his voice. “Wha’ are you doin’ here?”

As he said this Sonic pushed himself into a sitting position, dragging his mountain of blankets with him. In that instance Tails wished he could point out the irony of being referred to his old term of endearment, but knew better as he didn’t want to upset Sonic.

Tails by now was thirteen, and puberty had hit him with a growth spurt that shot him up to almost five foot in height, maybe more. While to an average Mobian that would be considered tall, Sonic’s own growth spurt thanks to his mutation made him tower over everyone at over six foot, beating Tails easily.

His height, combined with the other changes his mutation had granted him, gave Sonic a pretty imposing silhouette that made him stand out, which Sonic was very, very aware of. Hence his new habit of becoming a recluse whenever he wasn’t being badgered by Bunnie into forced social interactions.

Which hadn’t been happening since Bunnie was sick, and Tails realised that Sonic was most likely enjoying the peace. If one could call this enjoying. Which Tails couldn’t considering what he was seeing at the moment.

“Bunnie wanted me to check up on you,” Tails explained, his ear twitching at the frustrated huff that shoved itself out of Sonic’s chest. “She’s uh, she’s actually sick at the moment.”

The brief grimace of annoyance that had crossed Sonic’s face dropped, instantly replaced by genuine concern at the mention of his friend being sick. Which brought some relief to Tails, as he had to admit there were some days where Sonic’s compassion for others got swallowed completely by his own mental baggage. Tails understood why it happened, but the stark contrast of genuine indifference verses Sonic’s bluntness was staggering to Tails.

“She’s sick? What’s wrong wit’ her?” Sonic asked as he turned to face Tails completely, though his hunched his shoulders greatly to make himself appear somewhat smaller. Even then he still almost towered Tails, but now they were at least at each other’s eye level.

“It’s nothin’ serious, just a bad cold,” Tails assured. “She’s been in bed for the last three days now.”

“Three days? Shit, it must be hittin’ her hard,” Sonic winced. “So why are you here? Ain’t someone lookin’ after her?”

“We’re keepin’ an eye on her, ‘nd she’s restin’ up most o’ the time,” Tails explained. “But I’m here ‘cause she told me to make sure you’re not holin’ yourself up in here while she’s out o’ action.”

Sonic huffed a short laugh and waved Tails off, before wrapping his blankets closer around himself so he could lie back down.

“You don’t need to do that, just worry about Bunnie,” Sonic assured. “I ain’t goin’ nowhere or doin’ nothin’ so you don’t need to be here.”

“But you do need to be goin’ somewhere ‘nd doin’ somethin’, you can’t just stay in here all the time,” Tails pointed out. “So get up ‘nd get dressed.”

Sonic tilted his head at Tails, giving him a deadpan look for being ordered around. Most of the time Sonic rebelled hard whenever Bunnie tried to coax him to do anything, still very much in the mindset of everything feeling pointless and not wanting to be part of the world.

But he did this because he knew Bunnie was just as stubborn as he was, more so whenever it came to someone’s wellbeing, and could handle him being a jerk on his rough days. With Tails it was a little harder to want to push back, even when every fibre of his being wanted to.

Which is probably why Bunnie sent Tails over to him in her absence.

Sonic sighed, the sound rolling into a soft growl at the back of his throat. He pulled one half of his blanket cocoon away from himself to reveal that he was wearing something, though Tails noticed that they were obviously Sonic’s night clothes.

“I mean get dressed in somethin’ for the day. It’s pretty cold outside,” Tails clarified, raising an eyebrow at his brother.

“I thought you were tryin’ to convince me to get outta here,” Sonic gritted. “’nd either way no. I feel like shit ‘nd don’t wanna do nothin’.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you’ve been in here for three days straight doin’ nothin’,” Tails pointed out, making Sonic roll his eyes. “C’mon. Just come outside for a bit, please?”

“Why? I’m just gonna end up back here anyway,” Sonic retorted.

“Do you have food?” Tails asked. “’nd on top o’ that have you eaten at all?”

“’course I have,” Sonic gritted, though as he said this Sonic’s eyes flicked away from Tails, making the fox frown. “’nd I’ve got food, so I don’t have to go anywhere.”

“Show me.”

With a flurry of frustration Sonic threw his blanket cocoon off him, then stalked over to his kitchen cupboard. Before Bunnie got sick she had been helping Sonic keep his food supplies topped up, giving him supplies that he could store without the risk of them spoiling too fast and make a decent enough meal with very little effort. Between that she would make him some meals and treats – which were limited given their own food surpluses – as she was at a point that she had to convince Sonic to eat as his low points even made eating seem like a hassle.

“There, look,” Sonic stated as he threw open his cupboard.

Only to realise that there wasn’t anything in said cupboard, not even a scrap of what used to be in there to show any proof that he did have food in there at one stage. Somehow Sonic had managed to go through his supplies without realising it, and considering how easily he lost track of time, Sonic wouldn’t be able to tell anyone when he had last ate either.

Sonic slapped the cupboard shut, and pointedly looked away from Tails.

“Don’t look,” Sonic muttered.

“Get dressed, we’re gettin’ food,” Tails retorted.

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

“I don’t but I dislike you a lot.”

This was said as Sonic stalked back towards his dresser, barely giving Tails another glance as he could feel the smugness radiating from the fox. Which made him a little resentful at how powerless he was at the moment. Sonic knew he could easily shove Tails out of his hut and slam the door in his face, but Sonic still had enough sense in his mind to not be that much of a jerk.

At least for now.

He still rebelled by taking his time in getting dressed, on the off chance that if he dragged this ordeal out long enough Tails would give in. However when he emerged from his bathroom Sonic couldn’t help but wilt a little at the seemingly infinite amount of patience Tails was still showing. The fox even had the nerve to nod approvingly at seeing Sonic dressed and groomed to look somewhat presentable, despite the fact that Sonic had done the very bare minimum there also.

“The second someone stares at me I’m out,” Sonic warned as he shoved his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie, still needing to show some defiance at his current situation.

“There’s hardly anyone around, ‘nd even then I can’t stop them from lookin’,” Tails reasoned. “You need to give this a chance.”

“I don’t like it when they stare,” Sonic huffed.

Tails’ ears twitched at the way Sonic’s voice wavered with those words, and some of his resilience withered. Bunnie had warned him about how hard it was to get Sonic to do, well, anything, which was a stark contrast to what Tails was used to with the hedgehog. It was part of why Bunnie had taken it upon herself to work with Sonic, and the last few months after Sonic’s return Tails hadn’t had much contact with Sonic as he would have liked despite the circumstances.

He still only knew a few details of what exactly Sonic had been through during his disappearance, just enough to understand why Sonic’s wasn’t himself. The growth spurt from his mutation after his return didn’t help matters either. But it still hurt to see everything compounding onto Sonic and dragging him down into this misery when once upon a time hardly anything could bring Sonic down.

It only made Tails want to fight harder, as he was sure if the roles were reversed Sonic would be dragging Tails out of his hut kicking and screaming just to help him out of whatever funk he was in.

“If they stare for more than ten seconds we can come back,” Tails offered. “Normal seconds.”

Sonic’s ears perked at the offer, then his frown deepened.

“Five seconds,” Sonic countered.

“Ten,” Tails rebutted.

“Four.”

“Nine.”

“Six.”

“Eight or I’m droppin’ the offer.”

“Ugh, fine!”

Tails led Sonic to the village, making sure to keep his pace even with the hedgehog so that he could keep him in his sights at all times. Both so that he could make sure that Sonic wasn't getting genuinely overwhelmed, and to keep an eye out for any signs that he was going to do a runner despite their agreement. Not that Tails had any way of stopping Sonic really, but after enduring more debating and rebelling from him Tails wanted to make this last for at least a good while before either of them threw in the towel.

After a few minutes of trekking through the snow the two reached the centre of the village, and Tails glanced back at Sonic to see how he was fairing. The hedgehog held his head low, his hands deep in the front pocket of his hoodie, and while he didn't shows signs that he was preparing to do a runner, the combination of being outside in the cold and doing something against his will had left him looking quite sour. Tails felt his heart drop a little at Sonic's expression, and wondered if he could keep this up. He was determined to keep Sonic occupied in Bunnie's absence, but the thought of genuinely upsetting Sonic didn't sit well with him.

It wasn't helping either that as they walked through the village Tails realised that there were more mobians out and about than he had previously seen. They were most likely doing some last minute chores or errands before they hunkered down for the night that seemed to come earlier and earlier every day, but Tails had still hoped that they would have been inside way earlier than now.

When some of the villagers saw Tails they greeted him warmly, but true to Sonic's prediction their friendly demeanours faltered the second they spotted Sonic, some even stilling in their tracks with clear fear on their faces that Tails was barely able to break them out of by greeting them back.

Tails kept moving, not wanting to look at Sonic or his own reaction, but at the corner of his eye he could see Sonic's pace starting to slow as he fell back, each stare making him flinch like he had been struck. Tails mentally cursed at the villagers, and fell back so he could be by Sonic's side again.

"C'mon, we'll just grab some food from the Mess Hall," Tails reminded Sonic, hoping that his voice sounded more confident than he felt.

Right at that moment another villager came by them, and just like the others they stopped and stared at Sonic. Tails almost barked at them to keep moving, but stopped himself when Sonic yanked the hood of his hoodie hard over his head and pulled the drawstrings to hide his face from the villagers.

"I'm pretty sure that was more than eight seconds, Tails," Sonic growled, pointedly looking ahead of himself as he waited for the villager to leave.

Tails felt his heart drop at the clear anger in Sonic's voice, and when he tried to answer he felt himself get tongue-tied, what little confidence he had on handling the situation gone in an instant. Even with Sonic's face obscured Tails could see he was glaring at him too, and Tails had to remind himself not to stare in fear at the hedgehog himself in that moment.

"Fox boy! Stop right there, fox boy!"

Now fear snapped through the fox, and in an instant he grabbed Sonic by his arm and yanked him forward to force him to keep walking.

"No Tails, I'm done! Wha' the hell are you doin'?" Sonic snapped. He tried to pull his arm away from Tails, only to be surprised by the death-like grip he had on him.

"Please just keep walkin'," Tails hissed, before he yelped as he was suddenly pulled back by his shoulder.

Sonic was nearly taken back with him, and he turned to try to figure out what had just happened. Only to discover the grouchiest old possum he had ever seen in his entire life standing in front of Tails and giving him a glare that Sonic swore could turn a field of flowers brown in an instant.

Tails meanwhile wished the ground would open up and swallow him whole, but when that didn't happen he addressed the possum, his smile crooked and forced.

"Oh hey, Mr. Rootgravel. I didn't see--"

"Don't you "Hey Mr. Rootgravel" me, fox boy!" the possum interrupted, banging the end of his walking stick into the snowy ground with every word. "You said you were going to fix my fence. And it still hasn't been done!"

Tails barely hid a wince, his ears folding back briefly as he took a soft breath to try to centre himself. He hadn’t expected this particular villager to be out at this time of the day, only because the older possum seemed to haunt Tails’ shadow in the earlier hours of the day. He glanced in Sonic’s direction, noticing the hint of confusion in his eyes, but there was still a good amount of frustration there, too, which made Tails realise he needed to sort this out quickly before he had two angry mobians in his hands.

“Mr. Rootgravel I told you, it doesn’t need fixin’,” Tails explained. “I even checked it yesterday.”

“No, you said you would fix it! And I saw you looking at it yesterday, you barely gave it a glance!” Mr. Rootgravel snapped.

“I did look at it, ‘nd it’s fine. There’s nothin’ for me to do to it,” Tails explained, his voice just barely levelled.

“Now you’re just being lazy! I was told that you and those two other boys were in charge of the village and you’ve been doing squat for no one. Why the village has been left in charge of a little brat like you I’ll never know, you young ones wouldn’t know a hard day’s work if it bit you in the face,” Mr Rootgravel ranted, his voice rising in volume as he rambled.

Tails gaped at the possum, looking like he had just been punched in the gut. He tried to say something back, but like before he became tongue-tied, his words just forming so thickly in his mouth that he couldn’t speak.

As he struggled Sonic frowned at the display, then stepped over so that he was slightly in between Tails and Mr. Rootgravel, trying to coax Tails into standing behind him so that he could shield off any more attacks from the old man.

“Hey, pal. That doesn’t sound like Tails at all. Lay off him, wouldja?” Sonic stated, holding his hands up in a non-threatening manner.

Unlike the other villagers, Mr Rootgravel didn’t seem to recognise Sonic, instead only seeing him as a tall loudmouth that was covering his face. So he jabbed Sonic in the chest with his walking stick, pulling out a sharp yelp from Sonic.

“Stay out of this, stringbean!” Mr. Rootgravel snapped, giving Sonic another few jabs in the chest in an attempt to make him back off.

Before anyone could react, Sonic grabbed the walking stick and yanked it clean out of Mr. Rootgravel’s hand. Without breaking eye contact with the possum Sonic tossed the stick aside, and Tails watched as it sailed over a good few metres away from them, landing on a hut’s roof.

Stunned, Tails turned back to Mr. Rootgravel and watched as he gaped at Sonic, then his face twisted into a new wave of anger that turns his salt and pepper fur red in the face.

“That’s my walking stick! I need that!” Mr. Rootgravel hollered.

“Then you shouldn’t o’ poked me wit’ it, you old fart!” Sonic snarled, and Tails swore a part of his soul died right there and then. “Now wha’ the hell is your deal anyway?”

“You can’t hear me up there?!” Mr. Rootgravel yelled, then cupped his hands over his mouth in an exaggerated imitation of a megaphone. “I said this lazy fox boy needs to fix my fence. Now!”

“’nd he said it doesn’t need fixin’!” Sonic boomed back.

“It does! And I want it done now!”

“Show me this stupid fence,” Sonic snarled.

“Not without my walking stick, stringbean.”

Sonic rolled his eyes, then cocked his head towards where he had tossed the stick.

“Get the stupid thin’ down so we can get this sorted out, Tails,” Sonic muttered.

Tails winced at the request, then slinked up to Sonic’s side, his tails curling around his legs.

“It’s okay, I can look at it later. You don’t have to do this,” Tails mumbled.

Sonic shook his head, tossing another frown at Mr. Rootgravel before he looked at Tails.

“He’s not gonna fuck off until he thinks this is sorted. ‘nd I ain’t leavin’ you alone wit’ him,” Sonic assured. “Just go get the stupid stick.”

Tails hesitated, but when he glanced at Mr. Rootgravel once more the old man was glaring daggers at the two of them, his arms crossed over his chest as he waited for someone to do something. Tails sighed and twirled his namesakes to fetch down the walking stick, but he couldn’t help but feel frustrated at this turn of events.

Once Tails retrieved the walking stick Mr. Rootgravel led the two back to where his hut was situated, which wasn’t too far from the village centre. As the three approached the hut Sonic looked around the area, and couldn’t help but notice that compared to all the other huts in the area, and beyond, only Mr. Rootgravel’s hut was surrounded by a wooden picket fence. The fence even cut in between the gap between his hut and the one next to him, with the gap being just barely a metre wide considering the limited space of the village entirely.

Sonic’s mouth twisted with disgust at what he saw. New Knothole was small, hosting maybe thirty to forty mobians the most on the surface, and another thirty in Lower Mobius last he checked. While for some that might not be the most ideal living arrangement, the village was quiet, homely, and everyone was willing to share their space as there were only so many luxuries that could be spared given their circumstances. The thought of one villager being this demanding over something so unnecessary made Sonic’s quills prickle.

“Why are you the only one wit’ a fence anyway?” Sonic asked, needing to resolve this for himself.

“Because I wanted one. This is my home after all, I demand privacy!” Mr. Rootgravel growled.

“It’s a village. If you wanted privacy go live in a tree. Or Lower Mobius. Or in the forest away from all o’ us,” Sonic pointed out, before adding under his breath, “Preferably inna ditch.”

“I wanted a hut, and I wanted a fence. So I got both,” Mr. Rootgravel gritted. “End of story.”

“Wha’ever,” Sonic sighed, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his muzzle as he swore he could feel a headache starting. “Just show me where it’s busted.”

Mr Rootgravel led him to a section where the fence opened as a hinged gate. When they were close enough Mr. Rootgravel used his walking stick to tap at the gate, pulling Sonic’s attention to the damage that had gotten him so worked up.

“Here, this needs to be fixed,” Mr. Rootgravel stated.

Sonic crouched down and looked at where the possum was pointing to, then frowned, not quite seeing what the problem was. Sonic didn’t really consider himself anywhere near a handyman, as those sorts of jobs were usually left to Rotor to handle – and apparently to Tails now, too – but even he knew how to spot something that would need repairs.

He turned to Tails, hoping for a clue of some kind as he felt like this was something that should have been very obvious to anyone involved. Only to have the fox shrug helplessly at him. Sonic pressed his lips together into a thin line, then sighed, hating everything.

“... I ain’t seein’ it,” Sonic admitted at a length.

He barely flinched when Mr. Rootgravel tapped at the gate rapidly with his stick, as if that was going to clear up the issue as now the possum was opting to not waste any more words on Sonic. Sonic tried to focus on where he was tapping, and eventually he realised that the picket panel had somehow been snapped near the top, leaving a splintered mess.

At least, that’s all he could see. Which made Sonic slow blink at the fence as a quiet sort of rage began bubble through him.

“You’re kiddin’, right?” Sonic asked, then pointed at the broken picket. “Is that all?”

“Is that all?!” Mr. Rootgravel snarled. “It’s broken! Look at it, it’s making the gate uneven, I can’t have it looking like that!”

Sonic had to stare at the fence for a moment longer to consider his life choices and how he ended up here, then took in a slow, deep breath. When he released it, Sonic grabbed the broken panel, and with one sharp motion he yanked it off, pulling it free from the gate with a squeal of loosening nails.

“There,” Sonic said simply, tossing the picket aside as he stood up, dusting his hands off. “Now leave Tails alone, you old coot.”

Tails stared at Sonic in horror, feeling his blood run cold. He didn’t even dare look at Mr. Rootgravel, as he could practically feel the rage that was rising in the old possum, but he could hear him sputtering as he tried to comprehend just what had happened. And when he did, Mr. Rootgravel shrieked.

“How dare you do that to my property?!” Mr. Rootgravel hollered.

“How dare you harass Tails over somethin’ so stupid?!” Sonic snapped back, his voice so loud that it startled both Tails and Mr. Rootgravel. “You shouldn’t even have this fuckin’ thin’ in the first place, ‘nd you think you can order Tails around when he’s busy lookin’ after more important things?”

Before Mr. Rootgravel could protest further Sonic loomed over him, making sure to get as close as he was able to against the old possum before he yanked the hood of his hoodie down, revealing his face. The moment Mr. Rootgravel caught sight of Sonic’s full appearance he froze, the words forming in his mouth faltering as he gaped at Sonic, he outrage and entitlement completely evaporating.

Usually such a sight would have Sonic backing down, as he honestly hated the idea of scaring anyone. But after spending the last few minutes with the old possum Sonic needed this encounter to end as quickly as possible, even if it meant having someone genuinely be afraid of him.

“Now, I’m only gonna say this once. ‘cause if I see you buggin’ him, or anyone else about anythin’ this stupid again, I’m gonna come back here ‘nd take another picket until this whole damn thin’ is gone. Leave. Tails. Alone,” Sonic snarled, before gritting his teeth, pulling his lips back enough so that the possum got a full view of them. “Got it?”

Mr. Rootgravel continued staring at Sonic, his words seemingly going right over his head. It was only when Sonic clicked his teeth together that he snapped out of his stupor, but only long enough to give Sonic a half nod in confirmation. Sonic figured that was good enough, and he took in another calming breath before he cocked his head towards Mr. Rootgravel’s hut.

“Go home. ‘nd don’t let me catch you bein’ a jerk anymore.”

Tails watched in awe as the once feisty old man half hobbled, half ran through his gate and back into his hut, barely giving him or Sonic a backwards glance. Once he disappeared into his hut Tails felt some relief, but he couldn’t help the pang of guilt that flashed through him at the same time. The last thing he wanted to do was drag Sonic into some silly drama, especially after he had reassured Sonic that his first trip out of his hut in who knew how long was going to be a good thing.

Even as he looked up at Sonic he could see the below surface rage that was now rushing through the hedgehog, and Tails was sure that after this Sonic would not want to set foot outside ever again.

“Sonic, I--" Tails began.

“Has he really been messin’ wit’ you this whole time?” Sonic cut in.

Tails hesitated, his gaze falling down to his feet as he desperately wanted the subject to be dropped. He felt bad enough as it was having Sonic get involved, but what Mr. Rootgravel had said earlier about him being in charge and supposedly doing a poor job of it had really gotten to Tails. That, alongside utterly failing to help Sonic in the short period he was looking out for him, made Tails realise that he wasn’t very good at being responsible as he thought he was.

As he looked down at the snowy ground Sonic forced himself into Tails’ view, and to his surprise the hedgehog’s expression was a look of genuine concern.

“Tails, tell me the truth. Has he been messin’ wit’ you?” Sonic asked again, his voice gentle now.

Tails blinked at Sonic, then sighed before he nodded, feeling defeated. He heard Sonic click his tongue in frustration, and the hedgehog straightened, going quiet as he thought for a moment.

“Has anyone else been buggin’ you?” Sonic asked.

“Everyone else has been fine but... I guess there are a couple o’ villagers that are gettin’ a bit impatient?” Tails offered. “I thought I was doin’ okay but if he got that mad...”

“Show me who,” Sonic demanded. “Let’s sort ‘em out too before they pull anythin’ like this on you.”

Tails gaped at Sonic, then shook his head, his eyes pleading now.

“Don’t worry about it! I’m supposed to be lookin’ after the village, not you. This is too much!” Tails protested.

“Oh no. You think you’re the only one that can go draggin’ folks outta their problems?” Sonic countered as he stood, setting a fist on his hip as he regarded Tails. “Spill it, bro. Who else has been tryin’ to push you around?”

Tails still tried to protest against Sonic’s request, but when Sonic threatened to go around the village to figure it out himself Tails yielded, not wanting the hedgehog be let loose on the village in such a way that it would risk Bunnie needing to intervene while still sick.

So he led Sonic to any villagers her remembered approaching him over the last few days that he hadn’t been able to assist, or had tried settling their issues only to have them repeatedly come back to him in an attempt to get Tails to do what they asked.

To Tails’ surprise despite Sonic’s clear discomfort at being seen and gawked at by the villagers, he seemed to push that discomfort aside so that he could play bodyguard for Tails. He even stepped in when arguments started to get heated with the few villagers that refused to see reason, taking full advantage of his towering height and wild look to intimidate said villagers into either agreeing with Tails’ recommendations, or to outright abandon their frivolous demands.

They were also able to resolve quite a few legitimate issues that had been lingering in the village when other villagers caught wind of what the duo were doing. While Sonic’s attitude towards any villagers that were less that hospitable was to push back tenfold, Tails witnessed Sonic being quite compassionate and understanding to those that were just flustered with their situation, even as they hesitated at Sonic’s appearance at first. It was in these moments that Tails could see Sonic’s old self shining through, and as they day moved on one by one the villagers seemed to become more comfortable around the hedgehog, and vice versa.

Eventually though the two began to tire out, and a few hours after the sun had set they decided to stop for the day, reasoning that everyone was now retiring for the night as it was, and that it would be too dark and cold to do much else anyway.

Upon that agreement Sonic had begun wandering back to his hut with barely another word to Tails. Tails had taken this as a cue for him to depart to his own hut, until Sonic called back to him.

“Hey! You promised me food,” Sonic pointed out. “Go grab some ‘nd have dinner at my place, yeah?”

Tails was ecstatic for the offer, and rushed over to the Mess Hall to gather up some food for both of them, making it just in time before the majority of the food on offer was packed away. About ten minutes later Tails was back at Sonic’s hut, and balancing his two plates on one arm he entered the hut.

The contrast of what he had walked into earlier that afternoon to now was like night and day, even in the short amount of time the two were separated. The pile of blankets that Sonic had been using as his messy cocoon were now folded somewhat neatly on the end of his bed, the hut was well lit thanks to the overhead lighting, and it looked like Sonic had tidied up the few stray belongings he had that were scattered all over the floor, as Tails didn’t need to watch where he was stepping.

The only thing that almost matched what he had walked into that afternoon was Sonic lying on his bed with his head buried under his pillow. Which would explain why Sonic had asked Tails to get some food instead of picking it out himself with him, as it seemed like Sonic was more overwhelmed than Tails had realised.

For a moment Tails wondered if the two of them had pushed Sonic’s limits too far, and considered taking a raincheck on Sonic’s offer of having dinner together. But as Tails approached Sonic’s side the hedgehog lifted his pillow slightly, then sat up fully once he realised it was Tails.

“Sorry, I needed a sec o’ not bein’ vertical,” Sonic explained as he brushed down his quills with his hands, getting them somewhat back in line along his neck and back. “Man, that was a long day.”

“Yeah, but you survived. So that’s gotta count for somethin’, right?” Tails smirked as he passed Sonic his plate.

Sonic laughed, then cocked his head to motion for Tails to sit on the bed with him.

“Can’t argue that. But I ain’t gonna lie, my social card is totally punched out.”

As Tails made himself comfortable on Sonic’s bed he watched the hedgehog start on his food, glad to see that there wasn’t any hesitation. While Tails was getting their food he had realised that Sonic hadn’t eaten all day, and without knowing just how long it had been since his last decent meal Tails was worried that Sonic wouldn’t be up for eating, despite asking him to get food. Tails had tried picking out things he hoped were enticing enough to the hedgehog, but was relieved to see that at this point Sonic just wanted any food.

“I think mine is, too. But on the bright side that just means tomorrow there will be less to do,” Tails pointed out. “’nd thanks for helpin’ me out. I’m sorry that I let it all get so outta hand.”

Sonic paused mid-bite, before he sighed and set his fork down.

“No, I’m the one that let it all get outta hand. Not you, bro,” Sonic said. “You shouldn’t have to be pickin’ up the slack like that.”

Tails tilted his head at Sonic, his eyebrows furrowing with confusion.

“Wha’ do you mean? It’s not your fault so many villagers needed help,” Tails said.

“That’s not wha’ I’m talkin’ about,” Sonic clarified. “Wit’ Bunnie outta commission you should have someone else you can turn to for help, but instead I was makin’ everythin’ more difficult for you. ’nd on top o’ that I didn’t even know she was sick, or that folks were strugglin’, all ‘cause I was stuck in my own head. That ain’t right.”

Tails frowned, then shook his head firmly.

“You went through a lot o’ stuff though, Sonic. ‘nd we know it’s gonna take you some time to recover,” Tails explained. “We just want you to be okay.”

“I know, but I ain’t gettin’ okay. I have to get pushed just to do the bare minimum, ‘nd even then I don’t do that wit’out makin’ it a whole drama,” Sonic sighed. “I’m sorry, Tails.”

The apology startled Tails. Not that it was rare or anything like that for Sonic to admit his mistakes, even in his own ways. But because it never occurred to Tails that he would have anything to apologise for. Like Tails had said since Sonic’s return everyone that was able to worked alongside the hedgehog to help him recover, just wanting him to get better for his own sake.

The journey though had been rough, especially after Sonic’s third mutation that seemed to have cause Sonic to completely fall apart. It had been scary to witness at first, as Tails was so used to Sonic being so brave and confident not just in himself but in everyone around him. Watching Sonic withdraw completely from the world was surreal at best.

Everyone had tried so hard to help him, but Tails knew what was missing. It was missing for everyone else as well, and even though everyone had been able to move on in their own ways, that missing detail still hung at everyone’s neck like an albatross.

“I’m sure it would have been easier if Sally was here,” Tails voiced, knowing he had guessed right when Sonic stiffened.

Sally’s disappearance was still a hard topic to bring up with anyone. Coupled with Sonic’s disappearance there were times that everyone had felt hopeless, and they had all switched from wanting to fight back against the rising threat that had come out of nowhere, to wanting to just survive.

It didn’t help either that earlier attempts at tracking down Sally and Sonic had led them into wild goose chases that involved freakishly accurate illusions of their leaders. Over time said illusions would bait whoever were chasing them down into dangers they would just barely escape, or worse, distractions that left others in danger until it was almost too late. It had been a collective, yet hard decision amongst the Freedom Fighters to let their leaders go in exchange for their own safety, and just pray that somehow they would find their true selves alive and well someday.

“… yeah, it would have,” Sonic murmured, and Tails could hear the slight tremor in Sonic’s voice as Sonic looked away from him.

“You guys are helpin’, I don’t want to diss that,” Sonic added. “It’s just that… I dunno. Sal just knew how to not make me feel like a freak. Unc did, too, but he ain’t here either. ‘nd wit’ everythin’ else that’s happened to me I just keep wonderin’ wha’ they’d think o’ me now. But then I go back to ‘em not bein’ here ‘nd—-“

Sonic cut himself off, clicking his teeth together loudly like he needed to physically bite his words. Tails could see his eyes shining over with unshed tears and felt his own throat constrict at his brother’s turmoil.

“I don’t wanna dump that on you, bro. This is already too much,” Sonic sighed as he rubbed the heel of his hand into his eyes to chase off the tears. “But I wanna try to get back into the swin’ o’ things. There’s no way I can let you guys do everythin’ on your own no more.”

“Today was a good start I think. I mean it did take a while for you to get started, but once you got into it you seemed okay,” Tails stated. “So, we could just take it a day atta time, y’know?”

“That works for me. ‘cause really I don’t have a clue wha’ I can do no more,” Sonic admitted.

“Well I already know you can shut down grumpy old men,” Tails laughed, drawing a snort from Sonic. “Seriously, even Bunnie’s been havin’ trouble wit’ that guy.”

“That’s ‘cause she’s tryin’ to be a good guy. I don’t care if people get prissy wit’ me,” Sonic shrugged. “‘nd if he does harass you again tell me, I don’t care wha’ I’m doin’ or how I’m feelin’, he ain’t gettin’ away wit’ that.”

“I think after today he’s probably never gonna leave his hut again,” Tails teased.

“Good. That means I can knock his stupid fence over. Seriously, why does he even have that thin’?” Sonic muttered as he jabbed at some food on his plate with his fork with a little more force than needed.

“Also didja hear wha’ he called me? Stringbean?” Sonic added, outrage clear in his voice. “That’s like the last damn thin’ I would have thought anyone would call me. Such an asshole.”

“That’s how he is. But lookin’ back on it now, it was pretty funny when you tossed his walkin’ stick onto the roof,” Tails snickered. “I thought for sure he was gonna blow an artery when you did that.”

“Well he shouldn’t o’ poked me wit’ it,” Sonic smirked. “Though don’t tell Bunnie I did that. ‘nd then yelled at him. Or that I yelled at that other guy that was just bein’ lazy about gettin’ his own firewood. Who was also a jerk. So many jerks in the village...”

“Don’t worry, your secret’s safe wit’ me.”

The two ate in silence after that, giving each other some time to wind down from the day. Once they were finished Sonic took their plates and rinsed them off so that Tails could return them to the Mess Hall on his way back to his own hut. By then it was getting late, and they were both looking forward to getting a decent night’s sleep.

“So I’ll catch ya tomorrow?” Tails asked.

“Yeah, we’ll finish off the stuff we didn’t get to so you won’t have so many villagers on your back,” Sonic stated. “Though I’ll need a favour from ya.”

“Oh? Sure, anythin’,” Tails confirmed. “Whaddya need?”

“Can ya swin’ by here ‘nd drag my tail outta bed again?” Sonic asked. “‘cause I know I’m gonna forget. I promise I won’t fight ya.”

Tails laughed, the tips of his tails swaying gleefully at the confession.

“I can swin’ by at six, how does that sound?”

“Yeah if you do that I’ll fight ya ‘nd toss ya onto the roof,” Sonic miffed, his muzzle scrunching up with disgust even as Tails laughed harder. “Just make it a reasonable time, wouldja? At least ‘til I get used to bein’ a functionin’ guy again.”

“Okay, okay. Let’s try eight then. ‘nd I’ll brin’ some breakfast, too,” Tails yielded.

“Now that I can deal wit’,” Sonic smirked. “I’ll catch ya tomorrow, bro.”

“Catch ya tomorrow, Sonic.”

When Tails stepped outside and closed the door behind him he stopped and leaned against the door, taking a moment to reflect on everything that had just happened. After a few minutes the fox couldn’t help but grin to himself, before he quietly danced around in a tight circle to channel his giddiness.

He hadn’t expected his attempt to get Sonic out and about to be this successful, especially with the false start he had. But now he was thrilled that not only did Sonic leave his hut, he also seemed to have cheered up quite a bit. Tails knew that this didn’t mean Sonic was completely free of his depression, but he hoped this would lead to Sonic coming out of his reclusiveness a little more.

Tails headed home, mentally keeping his fingers crossed that tomorrow would go just as well for the hedgehog.

With hopefully the absence of any more grouchy villagers.

[omgkalyppso]

A few months ago I found most of an old wip incomplete from 2011. It follows the post-canon tale of my warden Illusen Amell who intended to refuse Morrigan's ritual and die fighting the archdemon, but survives due to her own pregnancy. She had spent the game in a romance with Alistair, but made him king and effectively ended their relationship through this act. Morrigan, while trying to entice Illusen into agreeing to the ritual, brought up that Zevran also loved her, and perhaps she would consider surviving for his sake. Zevran had never spoken of these feelings with Illusen, but overall now I ship her and Zevran together, even if she and Alistair would be more amicable exes in other situations / au's than their own story, where things slowly spiral, get heated, and hateful.

He is bitter, because he hadn't wanted to be king, and he would have loved her and protected their child had he been provided the opportunity; but with her values, she would not have continued to love him if he hadn't lived up to his responsibilities — and not that she still loves him, or at least, loves him the same anyway. Illusen ends up living maybe a decade, maybe less, as a Flemeth figure in the marshes across the sea, while Zevran travels back and forth from Antiva, helping his brothers, and himself, and trying to make a home to lure Illusen and her child out of isolation. Her (initial) continued refusal to leave makes Zevran worry that she will never love him as he does, but they do grow past that as a couple, just as they both become attached to their strange magical child.

This was all inspired by finishing the game, dying, having Illusen's eulogy epilogue, and then being back at camp and being able to complete Zevran's romance dialogues, despite there being no game left to play.

Anyway. I found the version of the wip that includes Zevran's first appearance. It is 13 year old writing, so I'd like to think I've improved, but ... it isn't so different, and thinking about them lately makes me wonder about exploring their story again.

Fantasized se/lf-harm cw, fantasized harm to an unborn child cw?, weird dreams, dreamed animal death cw?, and other weird stuff!

The dream creatures are the three Hawke siblings as birds of pray, Varric as a nug, Flemeth is the dragon, the black bird can either be Zevran or Morrigan, and the halla is Merrill.

.

From the previous chapter in the wip:

"Alistair. I am harbouring an Old God, whether that means it will be born to look as a beast, or simply act like one … I can't think of one person who'd take the risk of having something like this come into existence," Illusen said, but her voice trembled and her eyes swelled up with tears again and she was glad of not having been presented with a knife with her meal, as she would have gouged out her innards in a moment such as this. "Morrigan … She didn't elaborate on what it meant that the child would have the taint and the soul of an Old God - but we know that an archdemon is simply an Old God subject to the taint so we can assume …" "We can assume the worst," Alistair admitted.

.

Weeks passed, and still no decision had been made over the entity Illusen carried. A team of forty Grey Wardens and seven recruits had arrived, and only their eldest was permitted in talks relating to the Hero of Fereldan. He was a good Grey Warden; distant, imposing and righteous. Alman had taken it upon himself to commit to the idea of having Illusen taken to Weisshaupt in chains, possibly Tranquil, to be examined by those who had access to Grey Warden records and sciences. If he did not think her or the child such a danger then considering the alternatives, his was the best option for public opinion.

To Illusen's mild surprise, the Chantry was uninterested in claiming the child for priesthood or imprisonment. It was they who called for a silent execution, to have the Blight right and truly ended. The public was already told that their Hero was ill, that darkspawn plague was the reason she made little to no public appearances while her subtle bulge grew. Meanwhile Irving, ever the absent and failing father, pleaded with the king to force the Chantry to take the charge into their care. The Circle was so unaware of the entirety of the situation that the First Enchanter believed a horrid precedent was being set by the Chantry seeking to slay the child.

King Alistair could not bring himself to clarify the situation to the Circle, as their response was the best he could hope for, and when he met with the authorities of each respective group, he hoped one might sway the other to compromise and save him this decision.

Illusen had spent most of her time confined in one way or another. Even when she was presented to the army or the Wardens for support in reclaiming the Imperial Highway and burning the dead, she did not look for faces she knew. She empathized more than she ever wished to, with Sten and the suffering of a caged mind.

The mage let herself be led from one gathering to another to a bed that brought her more nightmares. They were not those of an aging Grey Warden, but still vivid and disturbing, and grew worse with each lost familiarity. Wynne and Shale were off to Tevinter, Leliana had taken up work with the Chantry and been nominated to lead an expedition after Andraste’s Ashes in her ruined temple, Sten had left by boat before Illusen had even woken that first time, and none of them had said goodbye.

She saw Oghren in the castle from time to time. He looked wearier with each passing week, she thought, but maybe that was just her own perception, but he definitely had less to say as his responsibilities grew. Arl Eamon selected some human soldier to head Fereldan’s armies, but truly it was the dwarf who organized the companies — and the Dalish, so that the remains of the Blight could be dealt with without allies becoming enemies. Each night he was drunk, and Illusen couldn’t help but wonder how Felsi was coping with life at court.

Alistair might’ve started drinking too if he were not such a light weight.

Her troubled sleep, and maybe the babe, had given the mage to napping mid day from time to time. She was no longer confined to quarters, but didn’t much care for the attention she received in Denerim’s Market Square. Wrapped in robes of deep violet, Illusen made her way to Valendrian’s in the Alienage. Despite her humanity, the elves treated her as if her only oddity had been her being a mage. He was good company, and provided a respite from what had become her life. She would rest against the wall in his kitchen while others brewed ingredients she brought in to a hearty stew, to help with the passing of the plague.

Her head swam and dark clouds hovered over her Fade dreams; her mind and world a maze and the same. Two large birds of prey ripped the flesh from a third, masculine in his plumage; he lay dead beneath a tree twisted as if by the blight. A dragon’s shadow swept overhead, but when Illusen’s perception turned to look, she instead saw a nug falling from the sky, swiftly caught in the talons of a mighty bird of prey, leaving its dead and damaged siblings on the ground. Coins flowed from the nug’s mouth like loud destructive rain.

As the bird of prey took them higher and higher, a cage of harsh lyrium closed around them, with sharpened points threatening to tear the strange duo apart. Illusen soon found that she was the dragon and that her wings were rotten and that she was falling onto the pikes of glowing rock and would crush all that was below. Darkness took her, and so too did a warm comforting feeling. Upon opening her eyes Illusen could not say if she were a dragon or a woman or a flea, but she was cradled in the talons of a funny little black bird and could see that the bird of prey and nug were safe in the horns of a halla. She relaxed and felt safe listening to the beating of the black bird’s wings.

She woke with fever; hot and sweating and uncomfortable. She could have whined and cried were she alone, but she remembered her host and fumbled to stand and greet him. The sun still shone in the window and Illusen was glad not to have overslept. The Hero of Fereldan gave her thanks and stepped out into the Alienage.

It was always a test to make it back to the Arl of Denerim’s Estate without being seen, or at least, recognized and this time she had failed before having begun. Zevran stood at the gate, both arms and legs crossed as he leaned on a wall, chatting up a young elf that left as Illusen approached. She could avoid her friend no longer.

"Flirting with the locals?" asked Illusen, her voice more airy and weak than she intended.

"No more than is polite," Zevran replied with cheek as he stood upright. He squinted and turned his head, examining the Warden. "You look pale. Is it true what they say? That you are dying of the darkspawn plague?"

"I ... don’t know," Illusen responded hesitantly. She wondered how she must look, and how she might look if she retched as she crossed her right arm over her chest to hold the back of her neck. She meant to continue her thought but Zevran plowed on.

"Is this why you’ve been avoiding me?"

Her cheeks flushed as she struggled to meet his gaze. ‘Morrigan told me,’ she wanted to say, ‘that which I could not see or appreciate.’ She hadn’t realized Zevran was in love with her and that was shameful enough in itself, but also now to be carrying Alistair’s child, and to be soon hidden from the world for her sins, insulted Zevran’s interest, honour and trust. Illusen absently cradled her stomach with her left arm, and found herself stuttering as she tried to answer.

"Andraste’s Mercy," cursed a familiar voice. Illusen found herself weeping into Zevran’s pauldrons. He held her close, and tightly, so she could not see his expression, but the embrace only had her sob all the harder. She hadn’t allowed herself a good cry for too long, and her body was a jumble of emotions.

Zevran led her into a back alley, one hand on her back and the other grasping one of hers. He had nowhere to take her, but the apartments in the back of the Alienage were still mostly empty and not completely destroyed. A few picked locks later he seated Illusen safely from the public and waited to hear her tale.

She told him more than she expected to, and he listened more attentively than anyone else had since becoming the Hero of Fereldan. He knew everything now, more even than she.

"I saw Morrigan leave, I'll have you know," Zevran contributed as he leaned back in what remained of a chair. Illusen’s expression changed to surprise and he continued, "Those of the army who saw her say she vanished without a trace, but I ask you: what did she have to leave behind? Bah.

"Sten was blinded by your glory, and Leliana worked to kill more darkspawn, but I looked to Morrigan and saw her eyes. She looked hurt ... betrayed," he paused. "Why would you do something so foolish? Why not let her have the child and save your life?"

"I didn’t know what the child would become ... she even refused to call it a child, I don’t even know what it is that grows inside me ... I expected to be stopping an evil ritual not becoming the catalyst for it." Illusen was calmer than she expected. She did not even feel as if she were defending herself or her actions, Zevran simply sought answers, nothing more.

"What will you do?" asked the elf.

"Wait," replied the mage. "I will not fight my order, my king or the Chantry. I will accept their decision."

Zevran cocked an eyebrow before smirking and leaning forward in his chair, "Warden, perhaps you have them convinced, maybe even yourself, but not I. Would you not leave if you had the choice?"

Illusen’s azure eyes examined the elf slowly and she was quiet for a long time. This was why she had been avoiding him, truly. He was her man, through and through, and both of them were nothing after what they’d experienced, not Wardens, nor Crows, or anything respectable. Her lips trembled as she leaned in for the kiss, and she sighed heavily as she pressed her head against his chin and placed a hand on his heart.

"You will take me away won’t you?" she begged.

"When the time is right," he answered.

[mugiwara--ya]

I've been applying to jobs like crazy for months and months and months and every interview feels like this time its finally gonna happen and when it doesn't i just feel this crushing fucking hopelessness and i try not to get discouraged and stay positive etc but. god.

right now im super sick and i took the day off to rest and i keep feeling guilty that im not using every waking second to look for a job. i feel like i should start taking commissions but i KNOW i cant commit to it. i could work on graphic design but they fucking kicked me out of school after nearly 2 goddamn years of them wasting my time so i dont even have a degree and i dont even want to look at my apps n tools most days bc of the sheer fucking burn out im in. i could post the tons n tons of finished art i got collecting dust on my folders and maybe maybe maybe get some tips from it but i simply cannot move past my anxiety so i just dont. i wanna do so much stuff but im paralyzed bc my absolute priority is to find a job that can get me out of here and i literally cannot think of anything else. i feel ungrateful all the goddamn time bc at least i dont have to worry about food bills and a roof over my head.

i am 28 years old and 100% dependent on my family. i don't and WON'T have a degree. i'm chronically ill. i've been on psych meds for about a year and while mentally ive literally never been better, i'm dealing with the consequences of 27 years of untreated adhd, undiagnosed autism, several mental illnesses, plus extremely fresh and violent trauma from the massive fires where i live and i keep fucking having nightmares and panic attacks over it and its been like two months and i'm so fucking tired. i have next to no work experience and my last "real" job was on 2015 so i have to bullshit my way through interviews and so far no one has fucking called me back.

im just complaining rn bc fuck its getting real fucking dark over here but rn im just worried sick about my partners. they're living together at the moment and they can barely get by. i already reblogged their donation posts and i'll make one linking to them just for idk reach or whatever so please if you read til here wait for that post to go up and please please please help them so at least i can have that peace of mind, if nothing else.

[tenebrare]

Deus Ex- Sarif's attack dog (revisited) + Post about how and why this revisit came to be aka some self-reflect (warning: long, ... OMG too long)

During Inktober2022, when I was forced to (as its part of the challenge) post daily, in some point I took a look of my 2022 postings in general. I found that I have taken my blogs title "Sketchbook and doodles" too literal. Almost all my works posted were... are... 1-2 day quick scribbles and clearly unfinished. Except 3. 2 of which were done in 2021 and still fit the 1-2 day filling and one work which I had done while recovering serious health related issue and was forced to focus only on recovery and I kept working on a singular piece the time without thinking about completing the piece itself (as my goal was just to fill the time I was awake and give my brain something else than health to think about) nor being stressed by war, bills, work. And out of those 3 remaining works that last is only one I wouldn’t know how to change, when I open its original file now. Also the other remotely almost passable as closer to complete works were done before war and illness. Why I have rushed like this – where was I hurrying to? Did I believe I improve better if I do more? Yet my best fan-work of 2022 is one I did, when I was physically so weak I was barely able to hold any objects like my pen (even eating and holding a spoon exhausted me to the point I slept hours afterwards), but just invested more time on doing something. Inktober was like a sum of the same – out of the 31 works I did, the best one in my opinion is the one I failed at original day and did bit by bit on other remaining days. Where am I running to? I should sit the f*** down. 2022 is trying to tell me something and I should listen. It 1st broke my graphics card few days in. Started a war close enough month after. Got me ill and almost killed me next month after that and then heatwaved me to heat-sickness soon as I started to do some recovery few months down. Canceled all my long planned events and activities for august and changed what-and-how in September. Only thing it did not cancel was me seeing my favorite band in July (in fact ‘universe’ in particular delayed the gig to be in 2022 from 2020). Maybe by November I should take the darn hint? … I finally sat down after Inktober. Meditated a few days, sitting back against almost ice cold-radiator in a 12C room (the machinery in basement shut itself off again and it was 12C outside as well). So I went back and took one the unfinished works and gave myself no time limits - „It is done, when it is done.” I told myself - “I am not running anywhere, no one gave me deadline. I do this because I love doing stuff like this. Do it like you just hired yourself and want your moneys worth. And above all – have fun. I must have fun again, like when I was 2 and scribbled believing I am greatest painter in the world and for my family I was.” Uh, and the widget in the basement started working after I had found calm in self as well worked on this piece a few days and is stable 21C now. If I’d believe in paranormal, I’d say this house is alive and is catching up my moods. But thanks, house, for the widget being back online. The gas company found no fault in the widget and its systems. Not in spring, when it stopped working 1st time after being just installed, nor this falls … Well… in this region we believe that old houses have their own spirits and personalities after all. Here’s “Sarif’s Attack Dog” as I wanted it to be 8 months ago. Just spent 5 times more time on it. Viewer, who wants, does find flaws in it and could argue about ‘its done, when its done’ part, but it is not about if someone else can do it better, likes it or does not like it or any other 100 problems, but its about how I wanted it to look-like in given moment and gave myself time to do it. Maybe it should be my 2023 years resolution? “Sit the f-down and take my sweet time on all things I do – including fan-art?” Provided 2023 doesn’t try to kill me again, like 2022 did… tehehe? PS! That lone fully completed 2022 fan-art of mine was Francis Pritchard hacking Adams computer in Prague

[kuwdora]

🙃 please wish me luck for tomorrow, I have Yet Another Interview...I've been averaging about 2 a week for the last few weeks and I'm still only 60-75% done with this process. Not even counting all the outreach to set up other interviews in the meantime if these don't pan out. To say I am losing my mind is an understatement. I'm so tired. Trying to be kind to myself during all of this, since this is rather exciting and overwhelming and exhausting but waaughhhh, I'm ready to hibernate for a full week (if my brain would actually let me rest which remains a large problem...) My short term memory continues to be shitty. Forgetting to lock doors, turn off stove burners, I keep forgetting things folks have told me the previous day/week that I really should have remembered (lists are my friends but I keep forgetting to add things to my list). All very ADHD but really it's just... a lot of my anxiety about all this interview stuff. Wake up and it's the first thing on my mind. Last thing on my mind before I go to bed. It's taking up so much brainRAM. I have the myNoise app on my phone to help soothe ye old brainmeats in the evenings, at least. Anyway, amongst the fannish chittering in my brain that is not witcher-related: I remember reading about someone spinning Ted Lasso character's into the Star Wars universe and I could not track down the post. I can't even remember if I read it by someone on twitter, tumblr, or dreamwidth at this point. Or if I had imagined it. Does this sound familiar to anyone? hmm. Next my brain started thinking about Yellowjackets characters in the Star Wars universe and have determined that Misty Quigley would be an amazing secret pirate hunter who occasionally moonlights as a pirate. Next up: I'm almost done with the Disney era Thrawn trilogy reread (it's only taken me like two and a half months wtf) (next will be Heir to the Empire, wheeee). I'm pretty caught up with Grand Admiral Thrawn strategically instilling praise kink and loyalty in the people under his command. I also recently revisited A Black Lady Sketch Show's sketch: The Basic Ball in which I tried casting Ted Lasso characters mental illness/neuroses looks and then my brain melted out of my ears because of previously stated tired. But also my favorite Yellowjackets meow meows showing off their PTSD looks? Love. It.

I would like more brain to finish editing my Witcher wips, to start a few more wips--they're dancing in my periphery. And I'd love to have brain to paint again. To have energy for seeing friends. I'm quite sad I couldn't corral enough focus to finish my VidUKon vid in time for the deadline, but I can just try to finish it later.

Maybe soon I can reclaim some more brainRAM. Free it up from this interviewing stuff. Fingers crossed. 🤞

[callioope]

I want to scream into the void and rant about offline stuff, but I also feel this huge hesitation of posting too much detail on the internet, so, here's as short and vague as I could pare it down to:

just basically feeling super overwhelmed by "adulting" offline stuff including: buying a new house, moving but taking several months to actually pack/move/unpack, selling the old house, shopping for more furniture to fill the new house, being constantly ill since early October, researching and choosing new doctors (including primary care and OBGYN), having a rough stretch of OCD and anxiety ickiness, having to stop fencing for medical reasons (not related to fencing, i did not get injured, i just have Other stuff going on), and experiencing the general holiday fatigue of gift shopping and event hopping

I spend my free time handling the above items, on top of the usual daily chores of, you know, laundry and cleaning and "what do you mean i have to make another meal again i just ate"

and i haven't really had any time to connect with my creative outlets -- posting on tumblr, writing, playing the uke, even DND to a small extent (not enough time to put into character building between sessions) although DND has been like the ONE thing still happening

and it just sucks and I want to write but when I finally do get time I'm just so tired, so i just ended up scrolling mindlessly on tumblr or watching dumb youtube videos -- if I'm lucky instead I'll watch an actual play show but for a bit I was caught up on CR and Fantasy High and didn't know what to watch next because the next season comes out so soon so I don't want to get caught up in something else

[side bar: been working my way through one-shots, finished the amazing Escape from the Bloodkeep and I'm almost done with Mice and Murder. Mice and Murder has been super fun and entertaining and I kinda want to play a clue style rpg now -- side side bar but i collect clue variations -- and with the RO anniversary on my mind I've been wanting to read like a clue or sherlock holmes style AU but i have been having trouble finding one? like it can't have been 7 years with no sherlock holmes type rebelcaptain AU? maybe i need to try different AUs or search terms or filters? anyways. would also read a shadowgast murder mystery AU too, still mostly reading shadowgast fic anyways although EVEN FIC I haven't been reading as much either, but the RO anniversary had me thinking about Them again a little bit]

anyways i kinda felt like posting here would help me feel a little bit more connected, i guess, to the creative side of myself? since this is sort of my primary creative outlet, or used to be, if that makes sense.

also i saw a post about something called get your words out, which had some writing goals that looked attainable even for me with all the Stuff happening, and that has felt a little bit like -- something to maybe look forward to, to maybe help me get back into things... I don't know if I'll pledge yet and maybe I'd just do something for myself in that vein but yeah. something more interesting to think about than searching my insurance website or shopping for shelving or chairs or sofas...

gonna go back to watching Mice and Murder. thanks for reading this rant.

[youn9racha]

uhhh hi

*ahem* umm,,, this is awkward,,,

so its been a while since ive last posted, and by awhile i think around october-november which makes it 3-4 months 😭 but im here posting.

first things first, i want to wish you all a late happy new years, and i also want to add that today’s my birthday !!! i am officially 22 years old as of today, turning me into a taylor swift song lmfao.

now you maybe wondering, “ella where have you been?”

well lemme tell ya, it has been a wild past few months, and not in a good way. i won’t get into too much details but i genuinely never felt so miserable as the past few months and 2022 had just ended so miserably for me to the point i couldn’t celebrate new years eve. but on the brightside i got over the stressful stuff and the last year had ended and this year has started.

i also would like to mention that i’m currently recovering from my surgery (yup once again, i’ve gotten surgery right around my birthday lmfao) but i’m doing just fine and alright so theres no need to worry.

what updates have i got? well, its safe to say aside from the deteriorating mental illness that i had, some good things have started to established. y’all remember my crush? well we’re still not together but we are getting closer than we ever been before and she was the first person to ever wish me a happy birthday. i surpassed a very tumultuous semester where it took a toll on my creative drive and thankfully passed the semester. i could go on but again there are certain things i’d like to keep private.

anyhow, if you’re wondering, yes, i’m still very much a stay, and i still actively thirst over bang chan like i usually do. i just haven’t been writing much thanks to my stressful environment. idk when will i come back to writing on here, but all i know is rn i won’t be able to due to my recovery.

i’d like to write some more in the future but idk when it’ll happen so please do be patient with me. but then again, i wouldn’t be surprised if people unfollowed me and forgot my existence lmfao.

anyway, i’m just here to remind y’all that i’m alive and well, just needed some time off of posting here. stay safe y’all and take care of yourselves 🫶

[etxfolkmystic]

The Call to the Great Cauldron

Let me be really clear upfront, this is a vulnerable post (and possible series) and there’s likely to be some UPG in it (quite a bit probably). This post (and possible series) is also likely to include mentions of a lot of TW/CW worthy material including but not limited to: mental illness & every difficult part of that you can imagine, struggling with addiction, homophobia, evangelical and charismatic upbringing, bdsm, sex, and lord knows what the fuck else. As each post is made (if it’s a series) I’ll try to TW/CW each one as appropriate but this is officially my blanket post to get the things out of my head and Somewhere Else ™️but this post, just tread lightly, eh?

And now, back to things in my brain

Hi. Call me Hildegard, I think. Of All My Names™️ over the course of many many moons, that’s the one I’ve genuinely loved the most. It’s a perfect snapshot of what I aspire to have potentially turned my life into. It conjures undeniable magic, be it of the Sabrina auntie variety of the BadAssSaint©️ variety. Depending on the season of my life, my pronoun preference changes because ~what the fuck is gender even~ but I’ve always been unequivocally queer.

Magically? My practice got its roots in 2007, when I was 14 years old & given a tarot deck by someone who was practically a stranger. So, yes, I did technically get gifted my first tarot deck (but it’s not a requirement and I hate when people say it is). I’ve dabbled in a lot but over the next bit, I’ll disclose the parts that I really dug into and that kept me upright before being six feet under.

There was also a good chunk of a time when all the magic I did was ✨ baneful ✨ and I won’t flinch away from that fact. It taught me a metric fuck ton (give or take) that not many practitioners really can understand unless they undertake the same path. The choice wasn’t done lightly, it was genuinely in an attempt at to understand magic even in its grittiest parts I could understand and attempt.

This last few months, I’ve been spending a lot of time doing deep amounts of energy work for the person I’m going to refer to as D™️. The thing is, in 2017, I finally received my Reiki III attunement, and then got introduced to energy healing in a different format from The Unnamed Path (a tradition for men who love men). Now, I’ve been simultaneously diving into developing the Mediumship©️ skills that I shut off because holy fuck that’s rough as a teen with mental illness and into my early 20s.

But, I’ve stepped into it. And now I’m being forced to face a lot of internal shit I’ve not done the best job handling. I’m grateful for it, but gods be damned if it’s not exhausting.

One thing, it definitely had me moderating my substance use more mindfully, because it takes a lot less to get me a lot further all of a sudden (my tolerance has increased over the last 10 months tbh so it has been shocking). Is this my energy work stuff? Maybe. Is it my brain/body finally getting my attention? Also possible, but I can’t truly know for certain. Though, I am leaning it’s about a 60/40 split on any one day. I’m having to reassess a lot of my understanding of a lot of things, and it’s rough.

However, I’m excited because D™️ views my abilities as legitimate and helps fight the imposter syndrome by forcing me to stretch those muscles in ways that keep me constantly being able to see what was valid and what wasn’t, and even what was too vague. So, maybe time is all it takes. Maybe they’re birth with it, maybe it’s mediumship.

Anyway, expect me to talk about magic, addictions, the 12 steps, and why I think these conversations don’t happen the way they should in our community…I’d say soon but idk tbh