#or meet and realize our lived experiences are so different that I have so much left to learn

[swoopyswish]

hey have you guys noticed that community and camaraderie are the point

[bueckers]

UNFINISHED BUSINESS ━━━ paige bueckers

i don’t wanna fight, but you got the wrong vibes. let me get you right, it’s how i apologize. ✶

synopsis: she broke it off, but has since had a hard time leaving her alone… especially when having to see her in person.

pairing: paige bueckers x fem oc

warnings: smut with plot, p eating ( p is literally EATING ), fingering, thigh riding, and slight angst.

notes: this is ridiculously long. in honor of her fit here, enjoy.. i loved writing this almost as much as i love the song lol. lmk if i should make a part two or maybe a series!

Nervous, excited, and borderline bald from tugging at my hair—these were all the things I had felt the moment I stepped into the WNBA 2024 All-Star Game.

I would be seeing Paige tonight. Paige would be seeing me tonight. Paige knew I knew she would be seeing me tonight, and I knew Paige knew she would be seeing me tonight.

When Paige and I first started hooking up, it was never supposed to be anything serious. She was sidelined with a torn ACL, and I knew she was in a dark place, struggling with everything that came with being forced off the court. I think that’s why it started, honestly. She needed an escape, something to make her forget for a little while, and I was there.

Paige and I have known of each other for years, though. We both came up in the basketball world at the same time, our names being tossed around in the same circles since high school. We’d cross paths at AAU tournaments and national showcases, always on different teams but always aware of each other.

Back then, our support for each other was more from a distance, and it wasn’t until college that things started to shift. We crossed paths more often, whether it was at games, media events. The rivalry between our schools added a new layer to our interactions, but by then, we had leveled up from distant competitors to something more like casual friends.

Those moments were what led us to where we eventually ended up. The more we talked, the more we realized how much we actually had in common—our experiences, our struggles, the pressure to perform, and the constant scrutiny. It felt natural, easy, to let our guard down with each other, which is why when her injury happened and everything else in her life felt like it was falling apart, I wasn’t surprised when we fell into it.

We had an agreement. Not one that was ever talked about soberly, but the way it happened just fell into place so perfectly that we didn’t need to. We’d meet up when it was needed, no commitments, no expectations. Just two people finding comfort in each other, filling a void that we couldn’t fill on our own. It was convenient, effortless, and most importantly, it worked for the both of us. I guess I figured if I kept things casual, I wouldn’t get caught up in something messy. I didn’t want to be the one to complicate her life even more.

We’d cross paths after games, during off-season, or whenever our schedules aligned, slipping into each other’s lives for a few hours at a time. She knew how to keep me at arm’s length, just close enough to keep me coming back but far enough to never let me in too deep. She knew exactly how to make me feel needed without ever giving too much of herself away. It was maddening, really—how she could be so vulnerable one minute, showing me sides of herself that no one else got to see, and then switch off just as quickly.

The more we hooked up, the more I started to realize I was getting too close. I could see it in the way she’d look at me sometimes, like she knew I was starting to care too much. And the worst part was, she didn’t seem to mind pushing me right to that edge. She’d say something that made my heart race, or she’d touch me in a way that felt like it meant something, only to pull back and remind me of our status. She was always in control, always the one with the upper hand, and I hated how easily I let her have it.

And then it was all done. She cut things off with a cold finality that I still can’t even believe. No explanation, no soft letdown—just a sudden, brutal end. It was like she knew exactly when I’d reached that point and she didn’t hesitate to remind me that it was never supposed to mean anything at all.

“I’m gonna go grab some snacks, alright? Try to look a little more happy for the jumbotron,” JuJu teases, getting up from her seat. I gasped, barely having any time to process her insult as she scooted between me to get to the stadium stairs.

“Very funny,” I muttered, watching her walk away.

Alone now, I focused on the game, doing an extremely good job at hiding the gnawing in my chest. I’d say I have a good poker face, but Paige would agree to disagree. My phone buzzed, jolting me from my thoughts. It was her and she’d finally found you. She was on the other side of the arena, clearly getting a kick out of having you in her view.

you mad at me or just deep in thought?

I rolled my eyes back to the deep depths of hell. Another text from her.

you look good tonight

you too. how’s the game?

As soon as I hit send, I regret it. I should have ignored her. I should have said something snarky.

Her reply comes almost immediately.

could be better. thought about coming over

what stopped you?

You watched her text bubble practically stutter, making you quirk an eyebrow.

juju. i didn’t wanna make it awkward.

lol. okay.

actually, scratch that. leave w me.

I shifted in my seat, my hands suddenly clutching my phone a little tighter.

paige, no.

why not?

I shut off my phone just in time for JuJu’s return, watching as she squeezed through mounds of people to get back to me. She handed me a cherry slurpee, which would however be gone in ten minutes.

“Thanks, sugar,” you teased her, wrapping your lips around the straw and taking a nice, long sip. She shook her head at me as she focused on the game again, nachos in hand. Ping.

Tell her don’t get too comfortable 😂

I could even feel her eyes boring into me from the other side. I could picture the stupid smirk or gummy smile she’d have. I turned my ringer off and silenced Paige’s notifications before slipping my phone into my back pocket and reverting my attention back to the game. It’s almost over.

Fast forward to the final buzzer, and Juju and I made our way down to the court, weaving through the crowd of fans and players. I always loved the energy in a room of women’s basketball players and fans— there were always a million things going on at once. As we reached the court, we spotted Caitlin, who was already deep in conversation with a couple of other players.

“Great game, Cait,” I said, pulling her into a light hug. “Guess nobody busts your butt as good as SC, huh?” I pulled back first, resting my hands on my hips. I could say I’ve known Caitlin as long as I have Paige, but Cait doesn’t know me the way Paige does.

Caitlin laughed, rolling her eyes good-naturedly. “Yeah, yeah, Miss Championship. but don’t get too cocky now.”

Juju laughed alongside me, adding a quick comment about how USC would give her a run for her money next time. The conversation flowed easily, a mix of post-game analysis and friendly banter. I scanned the court for a brief moment, knowing exactly who I was looking for.

Sure enough, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Flau’jae and Paige making their way over. I braced myself, knowing the cameras would be all over this reunion, and the media would have a field day with it. Paige looked as confident as ever, her stride always one that grabbed attention.

“Hey, y’all,” Paige said, her voice smooth, effortless. She exchanged hugs and high-fives with everyone, her presence commanding attention as always. When she reached me, she didn’t hesitate to pull me into a hug, her hand resting on my hip before snaking around to my lower back.

And then I felt it—her hand slipping lower, fingers grazing the fabric of my mini skirt. I could hear the smirk in her voice as she leaned in, her breath warm against my ear. “Good to see you.” Just close enough to keep me coming back.

I pulled back slightly, meeting her eyes. There was that smirk. My heart was pounding, a mix of frustration and something else I didn’t want to acknowledge. “You too,” I managed, keeping my tone as neutral as possible, pulling back with a tight-lipped grin that looked friendly enough to anyone who didn’t know what was going on. Which was everyone.

The group continued chatting, oblivious, obviously. You’d found out the one thing you hated about being around Paige was the overwhelming current of being the only ones in the room who knew how each other was feeling. Paige, ever the actor, kept up her usual easygoing demeanor, but I could feel her gaze on me, like she was waiting for something. I tried to focus on the conversation, but it was impossible with her so close, the warmth of her hand still lingering on my skin.

When the small talk finally wound down, and the others started drifting away, Paige moved closer, her eyes locked on mine. She leaned in again, her voice low, almost a whisper. “C’mon. Meet me,” she coaxed, her breath warm against my ear. Her fingers brushed lightly against my side, tracing a path.

I hesitated, the resolve I’d built up over the past hour crumbling under the weight of her presence. She was testing me, pushing every button she knew she could. And damn it, it was working.

I finally nodded, barely audible. “Okay.”

It was all she needed. A single, one-word confirmation that I wanted her as bad as she does. She took my phone out of my pocket for me, placing it my hand as she said her goodbyes to everyone else, leaving me there. I suppose it was smarter for her to do that anyway.

Shortly after Paige’s departure, I made my way out as well. JuJu wasn’t a tough barrier to get past. I told her to finish up her conversations, and that I’d see her back at the hotel. I wasn’t quite show how long my excuse would suffice, but I hoped she’d find her way to the bar or something after.

I don’t know why I listened. Watched my fingers click on her contact and give the driver her hotel’s address. It was like I was compelled from the moment she’d touched me, and to be honest, I don’t think I’d be surprised if that was the case.

The Uber ride felt interminable, each passing moment only heightening the anticipation and anxiety. I could barely focus on the city lights flashing by outside, my mind consumed with the impending confrontation and whatever would follow.

Finally, I was able to make my way to her room, feeling the cool air of the hallway against my skin as I knocked on the door. When Paige answered, her smile was as infuriatingly charming as ever, and she pulled me inside with a warm, yet testing glint in her eye.

The moment the door clicked shut behind us, Paige’s demeanor shifted. Before I could voice any protest, her lips were on mine, kissing me with an urgency that made my heart race. I barely had time to process the sudden change before she deepened the kiss, her hands roaming possessively over my back.

I tried to pull away, my mind still reeling from the fact that I was even here, but her grip tightened, pulling me closer. “Paige,” I murmured against her lips, trying to catch my breath. “We need to talk—” but as much as I tried to voice it, I knew that isn’t what we both really planned to do.

She silenced me with another intense kiss, her fingers tangling in my hair, guiding my head to tilt for better access. Her touch was relentless, her body pressing against mine with all the need in her body. “I don’t wanna fight,” she whispered between kisses, her breath hot and heavy against my skin. “Jus’ wanna be close to you.” She breathed in my scent, and I melted.

The words were almost lost in the heated moment, but I could feel the sincerity. She pulled back just enough to look into my eyes, her gaze smoldering with an intensity that made me rethink actually standing on business. She waited, trying to see if I was really against this. I licked my lips, glancing at hers.

I didn’t stand a chance.

Her lips found mine again, and the world narrowed to the press of our bodies. Our kisses were feverish and desperate, each touch holding some type of meaning. Paige’s hands roamed over my skin like there were so many options in a candy store and she couldn’t pick just one. In this case, one spot to focus on. Her mouth trailed down my collarbone, leaving a path of pinkish marks.

Our bodies were pressed together and refusing to let go. Paige guided me towards the bed, her hands never leaving my body, her lips continuing their assault on my skin. When she finally lowered me onto the bed, I was needy and breathless and finally feeling a little more realistic.

“P, I’m still mad,” I tried to insist, though my voice wavered as I watched her begin to undress. She unzipped her Nike vest slowly, the sound of the fabric sliding down her body making my pulse quicken. It fell to the floor, and she ripped off her shirt with a sudden, breathless intensity, revealing her sports bra. The sight of her, partially unclothed and vulnerable in front of me again left me speechless.

“I know,” she murmurs, her head slightly tilted as she looked at me all-knowingly. “And ima’ make it up to you, I promise. Just let me get you right.” Her fingers trailed up my bare legs, eliciting a small gasp from my lips. She tugged at the hem of my skirt, pulling the fabric down and grabbing my panties in the process. I watched her do it, in utter disbelief that this was how I was spending my night.

Her fingers graze teasingly against my kneecaps, sending shivers through my body, before she gently but firmly peels my legs apart. I look down at her. “You’re just trying to distract me,” I say, but there’s no heat behind the words.

Paige smirks, a knowing look in her eyes as she falls to her knees, her hands sliding over my thighs. “Maybe,” she admits, her voice dropping into a low, sultry tone as she tucks her lip between her teeth. “But you can’t say you don’t want this too.”

She’s right, and we both know it. The way she’s touching me, the way her eyes are locked onto mine with that look. The same one that knows she’s getting her way tonight. My worries seem so distant now, nothing more than a whisper of irritation in the back of my mind, easily drowned out by the way Paige’s hands are moving.

I begin to say something, but she easily cuts me off by diving into me with no warning, immediately humming against my cunt in satisfaction. Her eyebrows were furrowed as her tongue made some deliberate strokes, seemingly in disbelief of the way I tasted. She looks up at me as she delves in, a sight beautiful enough for the Louvre but way too sinful.

She says something I can’t hear, but I do catch a, “Can’t leave you alone, ever. Fuck.”

“Yeah?” I muster out, my breath a careless whisper.

Paige smiles against me, loving the cocky tone in my voice as she responds with a fast nod, the movement making me gasp. “Yeah.”

From there, every moan and gasp from me seems to fuel her desire, making her work even harder to drive me wild. Her hands grip my hips firmly, keeping me in place as her mouth and tongue continue their relentless assault. In the haze of ecstasy, all I can focus on is the feeling of her between my legs, making good on her promise to get me right, leaving me utterly consumed by the pleasure she’s giving.

I come, loud enough that the neighbors might know Paige’s name, but she keeps going. It becomes too much, enough for me to whine and pull away, scooting a little bit higher on the bed. She isn’t going for it, though, and immediately brings me back to her mouth, wrapping my legs in her thick arms.

“Where you tryna’ go, princess?” she teases. The sensation of her mouth and fingers on me is so intoxicating that I can barely respond before she pulls back entirely, rising to her feet. She begins to peel off her pants, her movements slow, leaving me breathless and frustrated.

“Seriously?” I complain.

“Chill,” she responds with a husky chuckle, towering over me in the sexiest way explainable. It’s like she contemplates something in her head for a moment, leaving me dripping wet and needy before her.

Finally, Paige steps closer, her hands sliding down to her sports bra. With a teasing glance, she pulls it off, revealing her bare chest. My eyes widen as I take in her form, unable to tear my gaze away. She then sits back down, positioning herself comfortably on the edge of the bed. “Want you to get on my thigh, baby, m’kay?” And there was no room for argument.

I crawl toward her, a mixture of urgency and anticipation in my movements. Once I’m seated on her thigh, I start to ride it slowly, the friction sending waves of pleasure through me. I truly can’t believe we haven’t done this before. The way she flexes, the way I can feel her muscle.. it’s all too much.

I roll my head back, needing more. My hands find Paige’s boxers, slipping into them with ease as she watches, her eyes moving more than her actual head. My fingers find their way to her core, exploring.

Paige’s breath hitches, her fingers gripping my hip as she watches me intently. “You like that, don’t you?” she breathes, her voice filled with a mixture of desire and all things Paige. “You’ve got me exactly where you want me.”

I stare at her. My body and arm moving repeatedly, my hair a bit puffy at this rate, and a panting mess. Paige raises her thumb to my plump and parted lips, slipping it in. I moan out, forced to suck around it as I squeeze my eyes shut.

Paige is in a trance, completely focused on the warmth around her thumb and how your small fingers disappear into her. “So, so, so good. Love seeing you above me, baby. So pretty.” I couldn’t understand how she could say things like these, and happen to not mean them, but it was the last thing on my mind.

“Mfmfmm, I’m gonna come. Again.”

Paige’s response is a series of breathy moans, her hands gripping my hips tightly as she keeps me pressed down, every thrust and touch pushing us both closer to the edge.

As she finally shudders, her release crashes over her like a tidal wave, her body trembling violently. The sensation of her coming around my fingers makes my own climax come shortly after. I cry out, my own pleasure peaking as I grind against her, my fingers thrusting in and out.

Our combined releases feel explosive, a storm of heat and passion that has us both gasping and moaning. I feel her tremors against my fingers as I continue to move, riding out the last waves of ecstasy before finally collapsing against her, both of us spent and tangled together in a sated, sweaty mess.

I think I’ll regret this in the morning. But right now? I’ve never been happier.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

So I’m a minor (16 to be specific) and I frequently watch and read stuff with explicit sexual or 18+ content in it. I live in an extremely conservative Christian household and things like explicit fanfic are pretty much the only option I have for learning about sex that isn’t abstinence only. I do feel bad about it, especially when I see adults online say stuff like “oh i watched lots of inappropriate things as a teen that i really shouldn’t have” and it makes me feel like I’m ruining myself in a way that I won’t realize until I’m an adult? Right now I don’t see what the big deal is but i get the feeling that when i’m 24 or something I’ll wake up one day and be ashamed of this for some reason i’m not mature enough to know yet. Should I just stop and wait until I’m 18 to continue or what?

hi anon,

okay. I'm gonna hit you with something:

turning 18 does not actually change the way you feel about porn or sex or anything. the difference between being seventeen and 364 days and being 18 is nonexistent. there's not a magical switch that changes you as a person; that comes from lived experience. if you're 18 and your experience is still that porn and smut and what have you i something that you should feel bad about, it's still going to feel that way and a birthday won't change that.

look, the whole notion of "I saw [x] that I shouldn't have when I was young" is like. okay. so you saw something that was a little mature for you that you didn't quite get? awesome. did you die? no. most people's hangups about sexuality don't come from seeing a rogue titty when they were a teenager, they come from the culture that person was raised in that made seeing a rogue titty feel like something to be ashamed of instead of a completely natural part of life.

story time! when I teach my 4th-6th grade OWL classes (Our Whole Lives, great human development program) I always start by holding a meeting with the kids' parents. I've been doing this for seven years, and every time without fail some of the parents will recall seeing porn for the first time as a kid. these guys were kids when printed porn magazines were still a thing, so they were discovering them in all kinds of places - the bedrooms of their parents or their friends' parents, at bus stops, in the woods, once even stowed in some farm equipment. and they remember it feeling illicit and exciting, sure, and possibly making them confused or even horny for the first time in their young lives, but like... that's it. none of these people are irreparably damaged by seeing porn. in fact, they've grown up to be the kind of people who go out of their way to make sure their young kids are enrolled in a queer-friendly, body-positive, diversity-embracing sex ed class to counter stereotypes and misinformation they might receive elsewhere.

looking at things that arouse you is morally neutral. it can be a great way to help you learn about what turns you on, and even if it's not the best source of factual, realistic depictions of sex, it can still help you discover things - hell, I only figured out what the clitoris was by reading Young Justice fanfic (shout out Snaibsel).

you can't ruin yourself, at any age, with the media you like to consume. what makes you uncomfortable and anxious is the attitude you've been taught to have about that media, which is something that has to be actively unlearned, because it's certainly not going to just disappear on its own when you become a legal adult.

tl;dr obviously no one is making you watch porn and you shouldn't if it makes you uncomfortable, but if you drop it right now and come back when you're 18 don't expect to feel any different if you haven't done any more unpacking re: the conservative Christianity of it all.

[sarshles-cheescake-li]

Link Click, internet slang, and Chinese culture

On the Chinese internet, there's a nickname for Link Click called Shiguang Daidaoren, meaning "the blade-bringers of time" instead of "the managers of time," the original title. Calling something "blade" is Chinese internet slang for something being angsty; whether it be derivative content or the originals themselves. Another meme is that Link Click isn't zhiyu (治愈，healing), which it is tagged as on Bilibili, but zhiyu (致郁，causing depression).

Link Click, especially its first season, is a deeply emotional and sentimental show. And it's a shame that so much of it gets not so much lost in literal, linguistic translation as much as it does in cultural, contextual translation. Many people can understand Emma's pain of being away from her parents in a new city, working a difficult job. But watching the scrolling comments on Bilibili, you get the cultural context of it -- the massive migration patterns within China from rural to urban, the children growing up and having to shed their local fangyan (方言) or, less formally, tuhua (土话)("speech of the locations" and "old-fashioned words," respectively) in exchange for Beijing Mandarin. This massive nation, nearly twice the population of Europe and only about 6% smaller in terms of area, is so diverse as to have created (what is close to) an immigrant experience for its citizens entirely within its borders. You visit your parents on Chunjie (春节）, lunar/Chinese new year, on packed trains during the largest singular human migration event on Earth, annually. And when you get home, you are faced with something different from the cities you now live in -- everything from the buildings to the furniture to the clothes they wear. I hadn't realized how deeply I missed the gaudy, garish mianao (棉袄，coats) and mianbei (棉被，cotton blankets) until I saw familiar shades of too-bright burgundy in the hands of Emma's parents. The concept of this original-home, laojia (老家, old-home) is so strongly baked into our lives that every time I meet another Chinese person, I cannot but help but ask them 你老家哪儿啊? Where is your original-home? And even though I know nothing about Chinese geography, every time I hear the answer, a little piece slots into place nonetheless.

In slang, if something made you cry or otherwise feel an emotion you weren't expecting to feel, you refer to it as pofang (破防，breaking defences). And maybe it says something that an expression of human emotion is viewed as a failure in some defences, but that's introspection for another time. Watching on Bilibili, with its hundreds of comments scrolling by "My defences have been breached" and sobbing onomatopoeia, people in the comments saying that they miss their mothers and fathers -- I, too, miss my family. When Cheng Xiaoshi, in Chen Xiao's body, tried to speak his host body's local variation and came up with butchered dongbeihua (东北话, words of the east-north), I nearly fell out of my chair. It was the sound of home, of my grandmother telling us to hush around noon because our neighbours were napping and my grandfather showing me how to play spider solitaire.

Cheng Xiaoshi's breakdown in episode 5 hits hard for its vulnerability. "I'm scared of the dark" has the same literal meaning as "我怕黑," sure, but there is something devastatingly childlike in that three-syllable declaration of fear. Where English so often derives meaning from complexity, from winding metaphors and beautiful prose, Chinese can derive breathtaking meaning from less breath than it takes to say the word analogy. 我怕黑 is stripped of any grown-up pretenses of control or dignity. It is the barest this statement can be: I. Scared. Darkness.

And what he says following, too. 我害怕一个人. Longer yet no less potent. Alone, or lonely, has many translations in Chinese. 孤独. 寂寞. 孤单. 单独. Many more synonyms for all the different ways you can be lonely. But 一个人 is, once again, an almost child-like way of saying it. Before you have the vocabulary to express these complex emotions, 一个人 is a perfectly working expression. Translating it character-by-character, it means one singular person. It is something you say when you've been left behind. When you've been made to face everything by yourself. When the world is so, so, big, and you are just one singular person, with no companions to stand with you.

And, ah, Li Tianxi's Chinese nickname, 小希. It is the last character of her full name, with a "little" shoved right in front. It is an affectionate way to call someone younger than you. It is different from Xixi, its English rendition, because a repetition of the last character is a more generalized, affectionate nickname, whereas diminutives are almost always reserved for someone younger than you, when used in real life. The diminutive says don't be scared. I'm here now. I'll handle it.

There are endless details in Link Click that make everything about it seem a little bit more like home. The word 面馆 which means something a little, subtly different than "restaurant" or "noodles shop," a difference lost without the context of the phrase 下馆子 and the way adults say it with the gladness of once-children who only ate meat on new years. The "honorifics" as English calls them, to me more of just -- ingrained parts of someone's name. Within the snap of Mandarin syllables there is meaning and memory in every character. Jie, mei, di, ge, lao, da, xiao -- they are more than their literal meanings. They are a relationship, a promise.

Perhaps I am overthinking this, awkwardly Chinese as I am: too localized to be considered first-generation, too stubbornly attached to relate to second-generation. Maybe these linguistic subtleties only exist and matter in my mind, a writer of both languages (though I must say, my Chinese prose leaves… much to be desired) with a knack for pedantics. Regardless, I hope other Chinese fans of this show share this feeling. And surely, other people will, too. All the rural children who left home to pursue higher education and opportunities in faraway cities; the raised-in-poverty who spent their childhoods dreaming of buying their family new coats; the speakers of languages long since abandoned by their childhood friends. What a delight it is to see yourself in stories, neither exception nor abnormality but a norm. What a joy it is to be one of one point four billion.

[running-with-kn1ves]

Hi! What do you think would happen if there was a disease that turned people into yanderes and the reader is immune? So she’s the only sane one, which everyone around her falls in love (romantically and platonically) and turns obsessive?

Hrmm I'd like to take a different approach to this than the original *yandere apocolypse* of which I was thinking. Just wrote down some odd thoughts for this one!

Perhaps two thirds of the world has been inflicted with this specific disease-- making this new population become violent, deranged and utterly--obsessively, in love.

There's the beginning stages of violence and death of course, causing a great chunk of the world to go mad as some yanderes who must share a darling cannot do so. Celebrities, idols, and your local barista who's friends with everyone in town, are constantly in a tug of war battle between their yanderes.

But life seems to somewhat settle down. Everyone still functions as they would in society-- going to the bank and paying their taxes, remaining at their 9 to 5 jobs. But there are far more murders, laws are no longer followed; the daytime has become just as dangerous as the night.

Our dear reader, a cashier for a chain grocery store, has so blessedly not been affected by this newfound disease. They know their residence in a large city and with a social job would not leave them unharmed by this new change to the world. So, they begin to attend support groups for 'darlings,' the victims and (mostly) sane population that has been left. At first the other victims were people they had never seen before, seemingly innocent and normal people who just wanted to go on with their lives. They all seemed to lead a much harder living, with their unending stalkers and vicious pursuers that made them sob for hours as everyone else listened to their woes.

Reader had yet to be targeted, of which offers them a sliver of relief-- until they fear perhaps they have been affected by the disease. But their life continues, without any impulse or desire to snatch anyone up, and without any stalkers or murderers on their trail. Life is almost, weirdly, normal.

They don't watch the news anymore, they go home before it gets dark, and refuse to take any extra shifts with anyone who's been affected by the outbreak. They continue to go to the meetings, out of solidarity and precaution in case they begin to hear footsteps behind them when walking from home or find eyes peeping behind their curtains. However, the support group seemed to have slowly begun to change. Its regular members were beginning to dwindle, less and less showing up regularly. And, there seemed to be an addition of.... hostility, amongst the newer members.

The support group "leader", a man who has thrown reader off since day one, seemed to be far more invested in hearing their experiences with these "attackers" as he called them. As was everyone else, of which were slowly becoming vaguely familiar faces. Not familiar enough to mention it, but to the point where it was beginning to get eerie.

It wasn't until they went to their next shift for work, did they realize why everyone seemed so odd. Customer after customer came up, all purchasing odds and ends that could be suspicious if one paid close enough attention. But all that reader could focus on, was how the eyes of each person seemed to linger upon them, taking notice of their loose work shirt and unkempt hair. It was a common sound to hear heavy breathing from the other side of the counter, odd compliments on how beautiful their eyes were, or deafening silence from customers that didn't utter a word but stared in complete captivity. The next support group meeting, those nameless faces seemed to be far more recognizable. At this point, the original members of which reader had originally met, were nowehere to be found. All that remained, were the uncomfortably familiar customers, and the oddly charismatic leader.

Every eye seemed to be on them, each waiting for them to speak on their experience. But despite the creepy, lustful gazes and hateful glares at one another, there was some form of supportiveness that came from the group. They gave reassuring pats and squeezes, some getting a little handsier than others.

There were a few that reader recognized more than others: the silent, dark haired man that came to their register everyday, the businesswoman who always seemed to loosen her scowl once she saw them, and the couple who seemed a tad more than "friendly." Out of all of them though, reader felt the most reassurance from the group leader-- the man who seemed to dote on them like a parent would, though there was still fear over his constantly nagging questions and downward stare behind his glasses.

It was once reader decided to stop showing up to the increasingly more recent group sessions, did things start to turn sideways. There would constantly be a knock at the door, asking why they weren't there, if something was wrong, if a stalker had gotten to them. But it wasnt until recently did they feel they were being watched, followed, stalked.

Things started to go missing, from their favorite pair of underwear to little knickknacks kept on their desk. Reader had never felt the effects of the disease and its victims, but ever since the uncomfortable shift in the support group, life hadn't been the same.

One fateful afternoon, there came another series of knocks. Reader couldn't take it anymore, and had long given up on answering the door. The knocking continued, however. Thered be a pause, a moment of hesitation, before the pounding began again. Muffled voices could be heard outside readers front door, and suddenly there grew a great fear in their chest.

Not long after, the knocking seemed to occur in other areas around the house. The backdoor echoed as glass was banged on, the windows of their bedroom seemingly pressured by fists that begged to be let in. Their name was called from outside, small and booming voices all begging to be let in, promising that they were only there to help.

Reader covered their ears, crawling under the blankets and rocking themselves to the hope that the noise would go away. And eventually, It did-- only to be replaced with the sound of shattering glass and rushed footsteps.

[horsesarecreatures]

Attendees of the 2023 USEA Annual Meeting & Convention were in for a real treat with this year’s keynote speaker, Dr. Temple Grandin. Dr. Grandin is an icon in the worlds of agriculture and autism and is most notably known for applying her own experiences as an autistic individual to her studies on how stress impacts both humans and animals. In this year’s keynote address, Dr. Grandin shared several different scenarios encountered in both her studies and the studies of her animal science students at Colorado State University that apply to the equestrian community. Take a look at some of our favorite takeaways from this year’s keynote address below:

1. Animals live in a sensory-based world. Get away from verbal language to understand animals and instead evaluate what is the animal hearing, smelling, and touching and use that to your advantage when exposing your horse to objects that often spook them.

“Sudden new things are scary for people with autism and for animals. If your horse is afraid of flags, don’t shove it in their face.," she said. "Decorate their pasture fence or arena fence with flags and let them walk up to it on their own.”

2. Exposure, conducted in the right manner, is the best training tool for your horse.

“A lot of animals lead sheltered lives," said Dr. Grandin. "I had a chance to go to the Keeneland Thoroughbred sale [Lexington, Kentucky], and the horses were terrified of the auctioneer because they hadn’t been trained for the sound of the auctioneer's voice. They also hadn’t been prepared for a strange groom or handler to hold them. What I realized was that when a horse was swapped from his regular groom to a new person, the horse became anxious and let out a giant shriek. I noticed that noise. I don’t think anybody wants to make that stressful mess, but they did. Now the horse was alone in this strange, creepy, scary new place, and his regular groom was gone. You have to expose your animals to enough different things.”

3. Horses think in pictures which can impact how and why they spook at certain objects.

“This is an interesting study that one of my students did that explains why a horse might suddenly spook. If you look at this playset, you will notice that it looks totally different when it's rotated. My students walked young fillies and colts past this playset 15 times at the walk, until the horses just walked by it without stopping, raising their heads up, or flaring their nostrils. When this thing was turned, it became a new thing. It became something different.”

4. Everything feels different to horses at different gaits.

“The saddle feels different at a walk, trot, and canter," she said. "I suggest to students to put a backpack on and then walk, trot, and canter so they can see how it feels different. Sometimes you have to go slow and think about how you are going to introduce things to your horse. Since they are sensory-based, it is much more specific.”

5. Animals are very fear specific. Keep that in mind when dealing with a horse who habitually exhibits fear as a response to certain stimuli or when trying to expose a horse to something new.

“This horse was terrified by black cowboy hats because he associated a really bad experience with a person wearing a black cowboy hat," she said. "So black cowboy hats were very frightening, but white cowboy hats were fine—it was very specific. Now, if I put the black cowboy hat on the ground, it was a lot less scary, but as I brought that hat toward my head, it got more and more scary. And the problem with fear memories is that they are very, very difficult to get rid of. So let's try to not have that.”

6. Animals have emotions and, just like in humans, each animal or each horse is going to be very different in the way they manage their individual emotions.

“Fear is a proper scientific word," said Dr. Grandin. "When I first started doing scientific research in the early '90s, I wasn’t allowed to use the word 'fear' as they said it wasn’t scientific to assign human emotions to animals. But now we know that animals have emotions; they definitely do. Fear is real, and some animals genetically are going to have higher fear responses than other animals. It turns out with me that my fear center is three times larger than normal. You can have animals that are higher fear or low fear. An animal that is high fear is an animal that gets scared more easily; their heart rate and cortisol levels go up more, and when you put that animal in a high-stress situation they are more likely to get sick.”

7. The best thing for your horse is to let them be a horse.

“We have to look at what animals need," she said. "Dogs in an animal shelter need 45 minutes every day of funsies with the volunteer, that is what they need because we have bred them to be social. A lot of horses need to get out and run around in the pasture just to have a chance to be a horse. I am concerned that some horses are so locked up in stalls. You’ve got stallions with abnormal behavior? It’s because they have never learned that give and take of social relationships with other animals. Does the animal have a life worth living? Does it have a positive, fun, experience? Does it get to do things it likes to do? For a horse, that is getting out and running around. You want to let the horse have positive, happy experiences.”

8. Horses can be life-changing for people of all backgrounds, but especially for kids with autism.

“When I was in a regular high school, I got bullied and teased for being autistic," Dr. Grandin shared. "So I went away to a special school where horses became my life. The only place I had friends was when I was riding horses or getting horses ready for shows. I learned how to work with horses and there are a lot more troubled teenagers today who cleaning horse stalls, taking care of horses, and getting involved could be the best thing that has ever happened to them.”

[cwritesforfun]

Regina George x Fem!Reader: NYC

I think we’re all obsessed with Renee Rapp as Regina George …

Y/N = Your Name (I will use this sparingly)

I am trying second-person pov for the first time, don't be mad if it sucks.

hehehehehe

Regina's POV

I think the only person I've ever loved is Y/N. I always thought I would know what real love was when it happened to me, but I realized it too late. I lost Y/N because we just experimented with each other, didn't want to commit to dating or coming out, moved to different schools, made new friends, and graduated high school. I texted her one time and it was to tell her congratulations on graduating and she texted me the same. She even moved houses, which I didn't know until I drove there today and there was a new family there and they had no idea where the previous owners lived. I tried calling her, but it gave me her voicemail and I don't even know what to say. Where is she?! And on top of all of this, Mom is taking me to New York City because I've been moping. I don't want to travel.

Your POV ... 1 week later...

You're working at a coffee shop and you smile. You have been so happy in New York. Dad had us move out to Brooklyn to take over his brother's coffee shop and he's been really great. He's grown so much in the role of manager and owner. You work as the assistant manager on weekends and you're in charge of events. You have fun.

It's Saturday and the day has been buzzing with orders. You have never seen so many lattes made or bagels ordered. Truly, this is insane. To promote the business, you had done a 2-hour 50% deal on lattes and your regular customers went CRAZY then they told their friends. Dad would be proud.

You are sitting on your phone eating your bagel during lunch reading your book when you hear a familiar voice order an iced oat milk latte and a bagel with strawberry cream cheese. That's so fetch. You exclaim, "Regina George, is that really you?" She whips her head around to face you and her jaw drops. You say, "You should join me if you're not busy." She nods, grabs her order, and sits in the seat across from me.

You exclaim, "I had no idea you were in New York City." She snaps, "I had no idea you moved. You never told me." You exclaim, "You could've asked one of those times you called me and didn't leave me a voicemail." She asks, "I never knew what to say. If you got those, why didn't you call me back?" You answer, "I didn't know what to say either. I could've told you about the sudden move and made you plan a visit, but I guess I never thought you would agree after we stopped talking... I always felt bad about that. I didn't want to stop being around you. It was just easier at the time than well doing what we were doing." She nods and says, "I missed you." You reply, "I missed you too. My lunch break is over in like 5 minutes, but would you want to hang out while you're in town? My dad made plans for him and me tonight, but maybe tomorrow we can hang out." She replies, "I will have to check with my mom, but I think tomorrow would work. Do you promise to answer if I call?" You nod and answer, "Yes." You both smile at each other and it's like times are like they were in high school. You were happy in high school when you were with Regina, but you never knew if what you did together would lead to something real. You felt like a second choice and it was alienating. Breaking off your fling with her was good for you because it let you be independent at your new school and it let you start to figure out who you were a little. You were bisexual and you were proud.

That night, as you finish getting ready for dinner, you finally ask your dad, "Who are we meeting for dinner? You've been very secretive about this whole night. You just said to dress nice. You have me scared." He hugs me and says, "You'll enjoy tonight. I have a 50/50 chance of being right about that. You look gorgeous tonight, let's head out. We don't want to be late." We leave our house and we make our way to this pizza place that we love that has this fancy upper floor overlooking the piano and more seating. Honestly, it just looks fancy. The food is not bad prices at all, haha. Dad just likes to romanticize our pizza dinners.

We take our normal seats and you watch the pianist play Mozart's Eine kleine Nachtmusik. You know this song on flute and you love it.

Dad exclaims, "Sweetie, our guests are here. Say hi." You turn around and you see Regina with her mom. You gasped and said, "Hi, I'm so confused. Why are you here? Dad, I saw her in our coffee shop today. Did you plan this?" Regina says, "I thought it was weird that we were meeting people in the city because we know no one. Well, except you two and even I just found that out today." Dad says, "Sit down and relax, ladies. Mrs. George and I talked a few weeks back about how it was weird you two hadn't seen each other in a while. We planned this trip when Mrs. George said that Regina had been moping around the house for months and her last happy memory was with dear Y/N." WTF?!? She hasn't been happy since I was hanging out with her?! Regina asks, "How long have you two been talking? Does dad know, mom?" Mrs. George says, "Honey, this is different than that time with John from down the street. This was just a friendly parent-to-parent talk about our kid's well-being. I don't romantically see Y/N's dad. We talk like once a month about finances because I don't get it and your dad hates talking to me about them." lol ... family drama ... Regina slouches and crosses her arms angrily. Shit, she is not happy about something. You used to be so good at reading her. You're out of practice.

Pizza arrives at the table and we all eat while making small talk. Regina refuses to look anyone in the eyes, she just keeps her head down and keeps quiet. You hate this. You want to talk to her, not our parents right now. You nudge her and ask, "Do you want to hang out with just me after this? I could try cheering you up if you'd let me." She answers, "Sure," before turning back to her pizza.

Once pizza winds down, you exclaim, "Hey Dad and Mrs. George, Regina and I are going to go out for a bit alone after this. We will be safe and we will let you know where we go and when we plan to go home." Mrs. George says, "Oh before you leave, I should say, Regina's suitcase is in your dad's car in case she wants to spend the night at your place." Regina snaps, "I'm right here, mom. You're talking about me like I'm not in the room." Mrs. George snaps, "I'm sorry Miss Didn't Say Anything During Dinner and Is Rude To People and Stares At Pizza." OH FUDGE ... You grab Regina's hand pulling her away from our parents and outside the restaurant.

Outside, we start walking and you realize you are still holding Regina's hand. She probably doesn't even want to be holding your hand. It's not like this is a date. You drop it and ask, "Are you in the mood for gelato?" She answers, "Sure." You reply, "Great, let's go. It's like 2 blocks from here."

We walk in comfortable silence until we get there. I open the door for Regina and she thanks me as she walks inside. My friend, Sam, is behind the counter and Sam exclaims "Y/N!!! It's good to see you again!!! Guess what?" You ask, "What's up, Sam?" Sam answers, "Josh asked me out!!" You smile and say, "OMG!!!! You'll have to tell me all about it. I'm so happy for you. This is Regina, by the way. And Regina, this is Sam." Sam waves and says, "Wow Regina, you're really pretty." Regina replies, "Thanks. Could I get a small raspberry gelato?" Sam nods and I say, "And could you get me a small dulce de leche gelato?" Sam nods and asks, "So Regina, are you in town visiting Y/N? She has been rather lonely without you. It's always about you, you know." Regina half-smiles and says "What kind of things did she say exactly?" Sam answers, "She said you were pretty and you are. She said you were her best friend for a long time and you both really liked spending time together. She was scared to commit and she wasn't ready to come out. She said you were her crush for a bit in high school. She said..." You quickly interrupt and say, "I think that is quite enough, Sam. How much is the gelato?" Sam answers, "$8.72." You pay for the gelato then sit in a booth away from Sam. You hear the door open and see two families walk in with little kids. At least Sam will be busy and won't pay attention to us for a bit.

You exclaim, "I know tonight's dinner was terrible, but I'm hoping I can still turn around your night and make it better." Regina asks, "Is it true?" You ask, "Is what true? You'll have to be more specific." Regina mumbles, "The crush on me." You say, "Yes, it is true. I liked you a lot when we were experimenting together and then we broke it all off. It was tough and I had to heal from that heartbreak, but I didn't realize it was heartbreak until I came to the realization that I romantically liked you. And then you were gone and then we graduated and I had to move and the timing was never right. But, I do know three things: I am bisexual and I like you a lot and the feelings never went away." She smiles widely and says, "God, if we weren't by your nosy friend and in a gelato shop, I'd kiss you." You ask, "So. the feeling is mutual then?" She answers, "Yes... I am lesbian though." You reply, "That's pretty cool." She laughs.

After gelato, we hold hands and walk to the Brooklyn Bridge. We were close to it anyway, so why not walk there?!? Haha! Besides, during the day there are tons of vendors, and at night, there are just lots of cars and busy people. You love living in the city. The city also looks beautiful all lit up at night.

As we stand at this pier looking out at the water, Regina asks, "Can we have that kiss now?" You turn to her and answer, "Yes." You kiss and it's like you're the city being lit up at night. You feel bright and you see your future.

[jesncin]

Chimera Constantine breakdown, refs & nods mega-post

Welcome to the master post of behind the scenes for the Chimera Constantine comics. In the style of the Sons of Mars ones I made, this post archives our research and process. So here we go! This will be a mix of showing references and personal anecdotes for how we cobbled this project together.

I'll be repeating some things I've mentioned across blog posts because I like having all this info in one place.

So! There's a lot of ways to go about re-interpretation and re-imagining a story, and one of my techniques is to not get overly attached to research. While it's good to be informed about a character, sometimes knowing every little thing about them can make one hesitant to innovate and try something different with them. So I'm purposely mindful about how much material I research.

But how does something like that work when the character in question has only 2-3 total appearances, one arc, and a quick revisit several years later? We play twin telephone.

For this project, Cin read the Hellblazer Golden Boy arc and vaguely retold it to Jes, who would then write a story based on assumptions and half-remembered memories of the story. Letting personal experience, influences and bias fill the blanks. We're inspired by how Naoki Urusawa wrote Pluto based on his mis-remembered memories of reading Astro Boy. Also when I was a kid I used to look at book covers and summaries and make up a story based on the limited information I was given. It's fun for me. Part of why I love obscure characters so much is that the lack of content about them lets the reader fill in the blanks about their lives and try telling new stories about them that aren't constrained by a saturated canon.

The original Golden Boy arc written by Jamie Delano (#39-40) is about John Constantine coming to the realization that he strangled his twin in the womb. After taking some 'shrooms, John...manifests into another reality, it's very surreal. There, John meets his twin from a universe where John had died, and his brother gets to live. The twin (taking on the name John Constantine, we'll call him Golden Mage to keep it simple) is John's opposite in every better way. They decide to merge their souls to restore...the universe. You kind of had to be there.

John's twin returns many issues later (#249) to wrap up a different arc, there he and the story are written by Andy Diggle.

The first panel of our full comic references the tarot cards John gets from his reading with Zed.

This panel is a direct reference to this scene where John sees his own shadow on a curtain after his reading with Zed. I like the imagery of this arc, even when the dialogue describing twins is really cringe. We changed it to a mirror to reinforce the mirror imagery throughout the comic. Speaking of which...!

Through Jes' reworking of the story, mirrors were streamlined to be the main way alternate universes were portrayed in the story. They'd be the main motif that paralleled the twins too. In issue #249 of Hellblazer, John uses the mirror to confront his twin who resides within himself after their soul-merge years ago.

The line "He's so beautiful, he frightens me." is spoken by a doctor witnessing the Golden Boy's birth in his universe. We repurposed it to be John's dialogue for when he's describing the man he sees in the mirror.

John's twin uses a sacrifice involving these candles to summon his sickly twin. Jes repurposed the use of candles to a magic salt circle that contains spirits like the Golden Boy (he's nicknamed "Goldie" in our take).

The Golden Boy! Even though he died in the womb, he's portrayed as a boy. Probably because a floating fetus wasn't what they were going for. We wanted to give him a distinct look that foreshadows how much he would grow his hair out. I like that his mouth isn't visible! We use the shape of his eyes and posing to get across how he's feeling. It gives him a vacant-toddler-stare I find really endearing.

We made some minor adjustments to the Golden Mage's design. Initially, we followed his canonical pulled back long hair. But since he was a challenging character to emote when we had one less arm to work with, we decided to part his hair so that it could carry how he's feeling. I like when I can get it to cover a part of his face for intense moments! If it was animated, it would 100% be expressive Ghibli hair.

Our main goal for Golden Mage's characterization is to make him feel like his own person. In the original arc, he's less of a sibling and more of an au of John Constantine himself. He doesn't get his own name. Despite gloating about having a better and more fulfilling love life than John, he also shared the exact same love interests John does. Being a twin is less about a family story and more a vehicle to talk about self hatred and potential here. Which isn't fair to the individuality of the characters!

(note, this is not how the panels look in the og comic, I've rearranged them so that they display on this post better)

So we characterized the Golden Mage to still have his canon charisma (albeit with the dialogue toned way down from his original appearance), but to have a thinly veiled temper under all that bravado to foil his con-man trickster brother. The Golden Mage was vaguely described as not being particularly attached to the love he receives. Golden Mage is also dismissive of his womb twin's death, saying it's something he shouldn't grieve since he never really knew him. We reinterpreted these lines as him being in denial over his brother's death, thinking himself as above his own feelings of grief.

Also as a tiny note, we kept the Golden Mage's name ambiguous to keep with the vibe of the original comic, but in my mind I headcanon his full name to be Marigold "Goldie" Constantine. The yellow flower is culturally associated with prosperity, but also grief and jealousy. It's perfect for him! So we made references to the flower in the cover and first panels of the comic. I also headcanon that as a kid he called John Constantine's ghost "Johnny".

My influences for how this whole beginning meeting scene is staged and played out is E.M Carroll's When I Arrived At The Castle. The "animated" panels of Golden Mage looking back at John and breaking through the mirror is a direct call back to the keyhole sequence in that comic! The premise of daydreaming about how your life could have been and not realizing that you're staring at an alternate universe is loosely inspired by Junji Ito's Hellstar Remina. I really like the concept of staring into the unknown and then something sentient staring back from that. "What if our day dreams are just other realities we're dreaming of" kind of deal. I don't see that sort of thing in the saturation of multiverse stories these days.

Next reference is the Dead Boy's Heart! While I like that this story's its own thing, I was surprised it wasn't linked to John's dead brother in any way. It felt thematically relevant, so we brought it over as a device to trap Goldie while the brothers merge souls.

Twins can be positioned in a bunch of ways in the womb. I think canonically, John and Golden Mage were positioned like they are in the cover for Hellblazer #39, ideal for strangling I guess! We changed it to echo the motion of yin and yang. I do think the inclusion of yin and yang is a little cringey in the original comic even though I get what it's going for (balance and all that, it's just kind of simplistic to the philosophy). But I do like it as a way to echo card imagery we established in this comic. We combined the imagery of the tarot cards featured in the Golden Boy arc and King/Queen/Joker playing cards. So it felt right to bring back that whole upside down twins in the womb thing. Special fact, this is how my twin and I were vibing in the womb.

The scene where the twins hit Ctrl + E to merge layers! It's a pretty iconic pose! I like how their heads peaked out of the panels so I brought it back for our comic too. In our version, the twins fail to merge their souls entirely. In the revisit to the Golden Boy character in the comics in issue #249, it's revealed that the merging "failed" in some way, trapping the Golden Mage within John's soul.

For John's ghost counterpart from Golden Mage's universe we took Dave McKean's portrayal of him very literally haha. I know he doesn't literally have one eye, but we thought it gave him a really distinct look for us to stylize. We decided to keep the ghost kids consistent with no mouth and vacant pupil-less stares. We gave ghost kid!John a sort of bedsheet ghost form to contrast against Goldie.

Speaking of one eye! That's another motif we decided to emphasize throughout the comic. It's not in the source material at all, but we liked it as a way to both hint at chimerism and visualize how the two brothers serve as incomplete halves of each other. Special fact! Heterochromia can show up in chimera twins. Of course in the case of identical twins like the Constantines, their chimerism isn't as detectable since they have identical sets of DNA. But! It's still fun to stylize in a supernatural way. For our take we show the glowing golden eye as the soul of the Golden Boy manifesting in his brother. I like to think that John takes advantage of how undetectable his chimerism is to have an upper hand in any soul-related deals he makes.

This stylized heterochromia is inspired by @ratblazer 's Constantine design! I made a subtle nod to it with young punk John's make up echoing the scar in her design too.

For John's dynamic with Goldie the Golden Boy, we built the conflict of the story around making him doubt his attachment to his dead brother. There's a line of dialogue in the revisited Golden Boy arc about John needing to "let go", so we repurposed it into the Golden Mage assuring him that his attachments make him weak.

Even though the Golden Boy doesn't show up nearly as much as I think he should in canon, John has been shown to be really sentimental about him. John wants to be the Golden Boy's friend because he's so beautiful John mistook him for Jesus as a kid. Canonically, the Golden Boy ghost rejects John's friendship, likely still not over the whole strangulation in the womb thing. It still breaks John's heart though, he's a sobbing mess about being owned by a dead kid.

We changed this whole dynamic! The twin murder in the womb felt very X-men Xavier vs Cassandra Nova, and it's hard to get behind babies having that much motivation before they're even born. In our version, Goldie is a vanishing twin absorbed by John, the sickly twin. Infants being accidentally strangled by umbilical cords does occur in reality. However, we changed their origin to being that of Vanishing Twin syndrome because it was more specific for the ideas we were going for.

I feel this crucial change is more in tune with the overall themes of Hellblazer. John always cheats death at a cost. People are constantly sacrificed for John's continued survival. But the Golden Boy's case would be special, because he sacrificed himself out of love before he even knew what it means to love. Unlike the other ghosts that haunt John Constantine, Goldie isn't resentful of John. I think it makes more sense for the Golden Boy to be attached to John because he's all the Golden Boy's ever known. As a chimera twin, John is like a horcrux holding his brother's soul in his body. This reaffirms survivor's guilt to be something John experiences since his birth.

Canonically, although the Golden Mage initially feels sorry for the ghost of John that haunts him, he rejects John as well. John's ghost in canon is like a nuisance that keeps bothering Golden Mage. There's an instance mentioned of Golden Mage trying to recreate his murder in the womb? It's cryptically written. But Golden Mage does keep using the phrase "banished" to describe his brother.

We took this and made it so that he performed an exorcism on himself to remove his supernatural chimera-bond to John's ghost. The Golden Boy arc is pretty unique when compared with how saturated multiverse stories are nowadays since it doesn't share the science fiction sensibilities. Grief comes up a lot in multiverse stuff, in these stories characters use parallel universes to save a loved one as they're bargaining with their loss. For our take, we wanted a character to use the alternate universes to hurt and lash out at the loved one they're grieving. I pulled influence from Everything Everywhere All At Once's concept of a self destructive character on a search for the one familial connection who could understand what they're feeling.

References! The first panel is a nod to issue #36 where John is sleeping with Marj. We changed her to Kit. The second panel is a direct callback to issue #67, an iconic visual for his break up angst era.

Trivia; this page was added at the last minute! I needed something to bridge the birthday cupcake page and the final panel of Golden Mage's breakdown, so I linked them through candles! In this weird case, I reference my own work! This is a callback to Birthdays, a short comic we made for John Constantine's canonical birthday. It sets the premise for his relationship with Goldie based on the habits and experiences of survivor twins. The pages referencing this comic are meant to re-establish that John shares meals with his twin.

I wanted this page to feel like John's lighting an incense for his dead brother, and to contrast it with the snuffed out candles from Golden Mage's flashback. The candle has a yellow and blue intertwined spiral pattern that calls back to the color of John and Golden mage's dialogue boxes and speech bubbles, along with how twisted they look when they merged. Implying that in this universe, they're together in some way. I really wish I did this intentionally but it was by complete coincidence of making the cupcake pink and balancing it out with pastel primaries. But I sure can acknowledge how cool it looks symbolically okay???

The dialogue here is a nod to John's monologue in issue #19 where John is comforting Simon Hughes. It's re-contextualized a bit to be about sharing grief together in our comic.

This is a really goofy one but- since Golden Mage is supposed to be the fully realized potential of John, we thought that he would have a successful career as a musician and singer where John didn't. I don't think Golden Mage would be a punk singer though, he probably does something he'd consider more elevated.

BUT-! In the 30th Anniversary edition of Hellblazer, Sting (the guy John's appearance is based on) wrote an introduction for the edition while roleplaying as the Golden Boy. Which is nuts. The Anniversary edition basically canonized Sting as being a Constantine variant in our universe with the soul of Golden Boy. Sting, as Golden Boy, describes himself as a musician and singer too. Absolutely bonkers for Sting to throw me a bone this late in the game since no one's touched this character in ages.

Another E.M Carroll influenced panel sequence. This is from the digital comic Out of Skin.

So that brings us to the end of the comic! We've had the ideas for this comic cooking for some time, and it's people's continued interest in our takes on these characters that gave us the chance to finally bring the story together.

I'm very fascinated by the Golden Boy story, not because it's particularly strong compared to other stories in Hellblazer's run, but because its intriguing premise is bogged down by its surreal take on typical Evil Twin tropes. og Hellblazer's strength was always in its raw humanity. John Constantine's character countered the sensational spectacle of his superhero contemporaries. He may be able to outwit a vampire but he's can't fight back against being brutalized by the police. In one of his most iconic arcs, he finds out he has cancer- not because of any supernatural shenanigans, but because he literally smokes too much. In another arc, John's long time girlfriend breaks up with him, and he lashes out by saying the cruelest things to her. When he hears that his abusive dad is murdered, John still cries about it.

I think the Golden Boy arc and the retcon that followed his brief return actively undermines what makes Hellblazer special. Suddenly John's having X-Men-level evil twin escapades in the womb. Suddenly, merging with his twin will help save the universe. Suddenly, it's not smoking that caused John to have cancer! It was actually because he merged with his twin and his twin became the cancer from inside him! Suddenly it wasn't a moment of lashing out that caused John to say all those cruel things to his ex upon their break up, that was actually the Golden Boy controlling him from within, so you see it's not really his fault! Also what followed the break up was extra devastating because of the Golden Boy, somehow.

Often I hear in fandom that when you change a character too much from their canon counterpart it's basically "just an oc" at that point, but in the case of characters who get to be re-imagined and passed through many creative teams, I think that kind of mindset is deeply limiting for transformative work. The line I draw between "just an oc" and an interpretation is if the changes involved engage with their source material in any way or if they're just superficial. Big changes and 180 flips can work because they still respond to the history of said character. It's why we see that kind of thing in canon a lot. These characters are inherently built to be passed through many hands in meaningful ways to varying degrees of success. So I hope that by showing all this process that goes behind big changes to a canon character, people better understand what can go into transformative creativity.

Our thesis for this re-imagining is to take what makes Hellblazer special and re-examine the arc that we felt undermined that. Despite the grief John has for many characters in his cast, mourning isn't brought up at all in the Golden Boy arc. It's dismissed by the characters in narration, and the Golden Mage himself isn't even recognized as a sibling by the narrative, no matter how many times John calls him "bro".

Survivor twin grief over dead womb twins especially is a real thing that's often dismissed because in the words of canon Golden Mage himself "I couldn't mourn for those I'd never known". This is not true to the experience of twins. They play with and remember each other from spending 9 months growing in a tight space together. So when one of them doesn't make it out with the other, that survivor feels a grief they can't comprehend. It can manifest in unresolved trauma, commitment issues, and survivor's guilt. All things that feel so relevant to the themes of John Constantine's character. I think that by integrating the real lived experiences of survivor twins, the Golden Boy arc could've been one the most human and personal parts of the original Hellblazer run. It's could've been a story that helped a community of people so rarely validated in their grief feel seen.

[kayewrite]

How to Love?

genre:; fluff, angst (not really). word counting: 1754

Seungmin x reader (ft. mingyu of seventeen). college Seungmin!. Medicine student Seungmin! (will write lots of university fics because im delulu college student *sobs)

wherein:  You are just curious, and you asked for tips from your friend, who willingly helped you.

i reccommend you to listen "how to love" by Day6

You've never been in a relationship before.

Your focus has always been on studying. Study. And more study.

Aiming for the top has always been your priority, which is why the idea of having a boyfriend (or girlfriend) never even crossed your mind.

Besides, no one’s ever asked you out, so why bother thinking about relationships when the opportunity hasn’t even presented itself? (By the way, you’re not some stereotypical nerd. You love makeup and dressing up for yourself.)

But now that you’re in college, things are different. Your goals are getting harder to achieve. It’s not just that the course is challenging; it’s also because it’s not what you wanted to study in the first place. You’re here because of family pressure, and that’s made it even harder to keep up with your lessons.

In college, you start to realize something important:

Studying too much can really drain you.

As you look around, you notice how others are balancing their lives. Your deskmate parties every weekend, yet somehow she has the same grades as you. The notorious bad boy sitting in front, who’s always playing with girls' hearts and puts his studies at the bottom of his priority list, scored higher than you in Differential Equations.

And then there’s your dorm mate, who blushes while talking to someone on the phone. She has a boyfriend, yet she manages to balance her studies without letting it distract her. (By the way, why is she blushing?)

"I'm tired, physically and mentally," you say, resting your head on the cafeteria table while Seungmin, your friend, munches on his sandwich.

"That's what you get after not sleeping for several days and then pressuring yourself too much," he replies, continuing to eat his sandwich—wait, that’s yours!

You lift your head, tired but still sane.

"Then what should I do? What do college students do? Isn’t it our responsibility to learn?"

Seungmin rolls his eyes at your statement. "What are we, robots?" He puts down your sandwich and wipes his mouth with a napkin, realizing that it’s yours and that he should stop eating. (Only 1/8 of the sandwich is left.)

"Listen, you need to get a life. You’re wasting your college years with your nose buried in books. You should enjoy college because after this, adult life limits your happiness. So, as long as you can, enjoy and live your life."

On a normal day, you’d tease him, calling him dumb and saying he’s talking nonsense, but maybe because you’re so tired, or something else, for the first time what he’s saying makes sense.

"Wow, you’re making sense." Your face lights up, and Seungmin can’t help but laugh. "Is that what studying medicine does to you?"

"I'm always a genius, you dumbass. Eat my medals."

What Seungmin said rings in your brain. For the first time, you don’t stress about the upcoming exam.

"Seungmin," you call out after a long, comfortable silence.

"What?"

"I should date."

"Date what?"

"Date someone."

Suddenly, Seungmin clasps his hands together in an overly dramatic way and closes his eyes.

"Finally, my prayers have been heard."

But how do you start?

You weren’t pressured by your surroundings, right? You just want to experience it.

Experience.

But how?

"How?" you ask Seungmin when you sit under the mango tree, studying (again).

"How what? Don’t ask me math questions."

"I mean… how did you meet Shin?" you ask, closing your book.

Seungmin has a lot of experience in love. He’s had many girlfriends (and why not? He’s handsome). So asking him questions about love is never difficult.

Seungmin looks at you intently, his face showing a hint of curiosity.

"She came to me."

"And then what?" Curiosity is evident on your face. Why haven’t you asked him questions like this before?

"And then we dated."

"That fast?"

"It’s because she loved me too much, and I was just doing her a favor." You slap him hard.

"You’re a playboy."

"I’m not. I’m kind."

"So if anyone likes you, you just date them?"

"Well… no."

"I think I’m an idiot for asking you for advice." You lean back and open your book again.

Seungmin laughs at you. He realizes you must be serious about your decision, so why not help? (As a good friend should.)

"Okay, now listen to me. You won’t regret this decision, right?"

"Why are you getting scary?" you comment as he speaks with an unusually serious face.

"I mean, as your friend—a handsome friend, mind you—I’m going to tell you…" He pauses for dramatic effect. "How to love."

You pause, then hit his arm.

"Why are you making that serious face? You’re so funny." You both laugh, and when you’re tired from laughing, Seungmin continues.

"First, fall in love."

"Well, step one is kinda hard."

"Just use your charm, and then you’ll find love. And never let go of the people who want to take care of you. Have you seen yourself? You’re pushing people away."

"I am?" You think back to times in your life when you’ve pushed people away.

"Yes. So never do that. And if you find love, contact me for step two." He laughs, then stands up and runs off.

"What is this, a YouTube tutorial?" you sigh and open your book again, but your attention isn’t there.

"How can I find it?"

You sat alone at your usual spot in the cafeteria, a tray of untouched food in front of you. The sounds of chatter and laughter surrounded you, but your mind was elsewhere, replaying Seungmin's words about finding love. You let out a small sigh, thinking about how you’d even begin.

As you poked at your sandwich, someone slid into the seat across from you. You looked up, surprised. It was Mingyu, the handsome senior from your department. You’d seen him around before, but never this close. He had a confident, easygoing smile that made your heart skip a beat.

“Hey,” he said casually, setting his coffee down. “Mind if I sit here?”

You blinked, momentarily lost for words, then nodded. “Sure.”

He grinned. “I’ve seen you around. You’re always so focused, it’s impressive.”

You felt a blush creep up your cheeks. “Thanks, I guess. I just… try to stay on top of things.”

“You don’t have to explain,” he chuckled. “I get it. College is a lot. But you know, it’s also important to have fun.”

You looked at him, curiosity piqued. “And what do you do for fun?”

Mingyu leaned back, taking a sip of his coffee before answering. “I hang out with friends, play some basketball, and sometimes… I just like to talk to interesting people.”

Your heart fluttered at his words, and you couldn’t help but smile. The conversation flowed naturally from there—jokes, stories, shared frustrations about classes. Time seemed to fly by, and before you knew it, the bell rang, signaling the end of the lunch period.

Mingyu stood up, grabbing his things. “Hey, this was fun. Can I get your number? Maybe we can do this again sometime.”

Your heart raced as you fumbled to take out your phone. “Yeah, sure.”

After exchanging numbers, Mingyu flashed you one last smile before heading off to his next class. You sat there for a moment, still processing what had just happened. Then, without thinking, you grabbed your phone and dialed Seungmin.

“I think I found it,” you said as soon as he picked up.

Seungmin's voice on the other end was a mix of surprise and amusement. “Already? Wow, that was fast.”

Later that day, you met Seungmin again, and he couldn’t believe how quickly things had progressed. “So, what’s step two?” you asked, eager to hear more of his so-called wisdom.

Seungmin smirked. “Step two is to develop trust. It’s not easy, especially when you don’t know someone that well, but it’s crucial.”

You nodded, feeling a bit anxious. Trust wasn’t something you gave easily, but you were determined to see this through.

As days turned into weeks, you and Mingyu kept in touch, though not always frequently. He was busy with his senior projects, and you were swamped with your own studies, but whenever you did talk, there was a comfort and ease that made you feel safe. You found yourself trusting him, even when he wasn’t around.

One day, he invited you to a coffee shop off-campus. You said yes without hesitation. The atmosphere was cozy, with soft music playing in the background. As you sat across from Mingyu, sipping your drinks and chatting about anything and everything, you felt a warmth spread through you.

“I really enjoy spending time with you,” Mingyu said, his eyes twinkling as he looked at you. “Will you go out with me?”

You didn’t answer right away, but the smile on your face said it all.

The next time you saw Seungmin, he could tell something had changed. You were happier, lighter, and it was all thanks to Mingyu. “Alright, you’re ready for step three,” Seungmin said with a grin.

“What’s that?” you asked, still smiling from your last date.

“Build commitment. That’s the final step,” he said, though there was a hint of something else in his voice—something you couldn’t quite place. But you were too caught up in your happiness to notice.

As the days passed, you and Mingyu grew closer. You spent more time together, studying, laughing, sharing your dreams and fears. You felt safe with him, and that trust grew into something deeper. But every now and then, when you were with Seungmin, you’d catch him looking at you with an expression you couldn’t quite read.

One afternoon, you were in the library with Mingyu, your heads bent over your books. Seungmin walked by, and you looked up, catching his eye. He smiled, a soft, bittersweet smile that made your heart ache just a little. He was happy for you, that much was clear, but there was something more—something he wasn’t saying.

You watched him walk away, a thought nagging at the back of your mind. But before you could dwell on it, Mingyu nudged you, making you laugh with another one of his jokes. The moment passed, and you pushed the thought aside.

But deep down, you knew. You knew there was more to Seungmin’s advice than just friendly concern. And as you watched him disappear into the stacks of books, you realized that maybe, just maybe, the steps to love he’d shared with you were ones he’d already taken… with you.

[pascaloverx]

Moonlight

Summary: You and Edward Cullen used to have a romantic relationship. But fate seemed not to believe in the possibility of a vampire and a potential she-wolf being together. Years after your separation, you return to Forks. Edward is committed to Bella Swan, and Jacob Black has his own pack. What happens when, upon your return, you begin to transform into a she-wolf and both Edward and Jacob seem eager to revisit the past with you?

Author's Note: The characters in this fanfic do not belong to me but to Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight universe. The story blends events that happened in the Twilight saga movies with invented ones. Enjoy reading. This story will contain inappropriate language, a possible love triangle, scenes of violence, and romance.

TWO FOUR

THREE

The guilt of kissing Edward was eating away at you inside. You didn't know if you were feeling worse because of the kiss or because you enjoyed kissing him so much. The worst part was that you were starting to want to kiss him again. But that couldn't happen again. Not while he's dating someone else and you're staying at the house of his biggest enemy.

"You know your thoughts almost scream because they're so loud, right?" Billy Black comments as he walks through the door of his room. Well, his guest room. You realize you've been sitting on the bed, replaying every moment from last night. What could you have done to avoid feeling so burdened with guilt?

"Mr. Black, may I ask you a question?" You inquire as you snap back to reality. Billy Black was your father's best friend, which is why you grew up close to Jacob.

"No need for all that formality, Y/N. But go ahead and ask your question." Mr. Black enters the room, wheeling his wheelchair close to where you're sitting. You look at him, feeling a bit embarrassed about asking such a question.

"If you had made a mistake and your mind was punishing you with the heaviest burden of guilt, what would you do?" You ask, sounding quite dramatic, which makes him chuckle a bit.

"There are two ways to relieve the burden of guilt. The first, more complicated and less chosen: be honest and admit the mistake to everyone it may affect. Or you can take the other way: experience the guilt and let it go. Your father used to tell me that some mistakes are meant to live only in the deepest corners of our being. I hope I've helped." Mr. Black speaks calmly, as you find yourself thinking that perhaps this is a mistake you'd like to keep hidden in some corner of your being.

"You did help. I think I need to get some fresh air. If Jacob asks for me, tell him I'll be at the cliff." You say as you get up from the bed, and Mr. Black nods understandingly, acknowledging that you needed that time. The cliff was the place where all of you used to meet when you were younger. Jumping off it was your big adventure together. When you reach the top of the cliff, you feel the wind hitting your face strongly. It's liberating. You close your eyes, and for a moment, you feel nothing at all.

"Do you remember the last time we were here?" Edward appears behind you. You really didn't miss those surprise appearances of his.

"I remember a situation like this before. You showing up out of the blue and me trying to figure out what I've done to deserve the honor of having my private time invaded by Edward Cullen. But tell me, what do you want?" You speak almost harshly, clearly on the defensive, fearing a difficult conversation with Cullen. You don't even turn to look at Edward.

"If only back then I had left you alone. Maybe we wouldn't have broken up, and now we might be experiencing a different reality." Edward speaks as he approaches, and you can feel his presence getting closer to you.

"Stop with this talk. After what we did, reminiscing about the past is the last thing we should be doing. You should thank me for breaking up with you. You're in love with someone else. And you shouldn't even be here. There's more than one pack of wolves who jump off this cliff ready to take out any vampire." Looking into Edward's eyes as you say this makes everything more personal. Unfortunately, you can't help but worry about Cullen. Unfortunately, the kiss you shared proves that there are feelings between you.

"I want to talk about the kiss. You basically locked yourself in the Black house. I had to come here." Edward speaks as he approaches you, and you take a step back. Too much proximity might lead to repeating the mistake.

"I'll make it easy for you. The kiss meant nothing. We were foolish and let ourselves get carried away by silly sentimentality. We're not meant for each other. You're literally living your happily ever after. Overthinking that damn kiss will only hurt us. And hurt those around us." You say, feeling tears welling up in your eyes. Damn it, this conversation has barely begun and you already feel deeply affected by lying to Edward, especially because it's not true.

"It would be easier for me to move on if you told me why you broke up with me. Why you want to bury your feelings for me so deep in your heart that I hardly recognize the woman I fell in love with," Edward says, somewhat angrily, moving closer to you.

"My father found out about us the day before I broke up with you. I wanted to tell you, but he said he would kill every member of your family, that a war between the Cullens and the Quileutes would be on my hands. I feared for us. And for my tribe." As you explain to Edward something that remained unresolved between you, you feel like you're reopening a very painful wound by reliving the past.

"And you chose to be a coward and abandon me. Seems fair, a war doesn't seem fair when you can just end everything with the person you say you love and walk away," Edward responds, clearly hurt. As if he could judge you.

"First, I will not accept being called a coward for doing the right thing. Sure, I could have told you the truth years ago, but lying was the safest way to prevent you from doing something reckless. And I didn't just say I loved you, I actually loved you. I loved you so much that I can't let anyone find out we were together because any member of Sam's or Jacob's pack might believe you killed my parents. And I've done a very good job defending that none of you, Cullens, would ever do something like that." The words come out of your mouth more harshly than you intended. Edward looks perplexed, perhaps never realizing that if they found out about us, they would think he killed my parents to be with me. You know he didn't do it. But the others, they don't know him well enough.

"We could have faced this complicated situation together. Do you think I wouldn't have faced the accusations and the wolves' fury to have you by my side?" Edward's words, along with his closeness, almost made you wish you had never left.

"You're impulsive sometimes. We wouldn't have survived long together if we were responsible for the pain of the people we love. Not to mention that when you and I dated, I wasn't transforming. Maybe that's why I never felt it was wrong for us to be together, but now it's different." Your conversation has taken a deeply melancholic turn, something you didn't want. A relationship discussion is the last thing you planned when you came back to Forks.

"Whether you turn into a wolf or not wouldn't change how I feel about you. It never could. I thought you knew that." Your gaze meets Edward's. You always thought he would see you differently if you transformed into a wolf. Hearing him say otherwise makes you feel things you shouldn't. Feelings you should have abandoned a long time ago.

The rain starts to pour down on you both with force, as if the heavens are watching your argument from a front-row seat. You stare at Edward, trying to understand where discussing the past will lead you. Then, suddenly, your lips and Edward's meet. You don't notice who made the first move, who stepped towards the other first. You only feel the cold sensation of his lips on yours as you deepen the kiss. Your fingers grip Edward's hair tightly while his hands gently hold your waist. Then suddenly, Edward is pulled away from you. Jacob, in his wolf form, charges at him with all his strength. Edward's body falls near the edge of the cliff, which puts you on high alert. Seeing that Jacob is about to attack him again, you know what you have to do. Your body transforms into the wolf version as you run towards Jacob. Even though Edward was taken by surprise, he is recovering when you finish transforming fully into a wolf and attack Jacob. You don't want to hurt Jacob so you decide that instead of biting him or attacking him, you would push him to fall off the cliff with you. And that's what you do. You don't feel anything for a few seconds until the feeling of falling off the cliff is too sudden for you. You start to worry about Jacob when you can't find him. Still in your wolf form, you try to swim to see if you can identify Jacob. You smell him close to where he is and see that he is unconscious. You use your mouth to hold his wolf body until there is no more water.

"Jacob if you're listening to me, I'm sorry." You speak using telepathy. You don't even know if you're apologizing for pushing him off the cliff or for this part right now. You transform into a human again and like an instinct, Jacob's body seems to have realized that for you to provide first aid, it would be better for him to be in the human version as well. You give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation while trying to get him to stay awake. A few minutes later, Jacob wakes up, releasing some water from his mouth. He looks at you, for a few seconds seeming grateful for your help. Until we both notice that we are inappropriate. In the next second, the two transform into wolves again.

"I can explain." You speak telepathically, while Jacob remains silent. You've been following him to his house since you got out of the water. He must be too angry to speak to you, which is killing you inside. You never wanted to hurt him.

"At home." That's all Jacob responds telepathically. He must be really mad. Damn Edward for showing up then. You arrive at the Black house a few minutes later. Jacob heads straight for the shower while you look for something to wear. You shower right after him, both of you in complete silence.

"When were you planning on filling me in about your little affair with Edward Cullen?" Jacob's first words to you once you both finish getting dressed. You try to suppress the part of you that wants to lash out at Jacob for speaking so coldly to you, as if you're Edward's lover.

"To be honest, never. Though I understand why you're angry with me, I'd like to remind you that I'm a single woman. I admit my mistake in kissing a vampire committed to someone else, but none of this has anything to do with you." You speak, trying to be as cold as Jacob.

"Your father would die again if he knew you'd become the kind of person who gets involved with a vampire," Jacob says, looking into your eyes with a seriousness that honestly upsets you. He's aiming to hurt you, perhaps for what you did with him at the cliff.

"Is that what you want to talk about? Not the fact that I threw both of us off a cliff to stop you from hurting Edward? Or that I seem to favor him over you?" You also know how to hurt feelings, or at least that's what you want to demonstrate. But the truth is, you hate hurting Jacob.

"Do you love him?" Jacob asks after several minutes of silence. You move closer to him, sitting beside him. Gently, you place your hand on his face.

"I don't love him like I love you. What I had with Edward is in the past. What you saw was just two people confusing what's already gone with their current moment. Trust me," you say, leaning closer to Jacob. Part of you believes your words, but another part wonders if you're being completely honest.

"Next time you use your wolf form to attack me, I won't go easy on you. Just so you know," Jacob says playfully. You lean in, planting a soft, brief kiss on his lips.

"I'll be eagerly anticipating that moment. And know that I won't go easy on you either," you say, and Jacob smiles, kissing you in response. After the kiss, you hug him tightly, hoping that the concern about how Edward is doing after the cliff incident leaves your mind.

[nhl-stories]

I'm Back- Jack Hughes feat. Nico Hischier

Summary: Lux stays with Jack in New Jersey, things aren't going as she expected.

Author’s Note: This is sequel of sorts to this previous work you don't need to read it to get this, but it's a good read if I say so myself. This is a bit of a romance story, but mostly it's an ode to platonic soulmates.

Also fudging the timeline of medical school interviews because this is my world and I can do what I want to fit my needs

Word Count: 5.3k

“Hey loser!”

Lux looks up to see Jack sticking his head out of the passenger window like a dog.

“Hey moron,” she shoves his head back into the car and drags her suitcase to the trunk.

Jack is out of the car and lifting it into the trunk before she has a chance.

“What a gentleman.”

Jack’s bright smile never fails to make her grin back, but she isn’t expecting the almost-tender hug that follows.

“Hi Luxy,” he mumbles into her hair, he sounds so tired, she squeezes a little tighter.

A honk jolts them apart.

“Our driver is a little impatient.”

Lux climbs in the back and wraps her arms around the seat and Luke’s shoulders before kissing his cheek.

“Aww look at my little Lukey all grown up.”

He shoves her back towards her seat.

“I could drive before,” he says petulantly before pulling away from the curb.

“Yeah, but now it’s in a car you bought on your own, because you have a job. Let me be proud I don’t have a little brother of my own,” she giggles as she sees Luke turn pink.

She lets him off the hook, and turns her attention to Jack, “Am I going to meet this new girlfriend while I’m here?”

Lux lifts a leg to kick Jack in the arm, “I should still be mad at you, I can’t believe I had to find out you have a serious girlfriend with the rest of gen pop on a fucking TikTok.”

“Sorry, she’s out of town.”

“How convenient,” Lux rolls her eyes, “now I won’t be able to prove I’m not a threat.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve spent our whole friendship proving to girls that we are strictly platonic and there’s nothing to be jealous of.”

“What would they have to be jealous about?”

If it were anyone but Jack the comment might hurt.

“Lots of men actually find me desirable, so a lot of women don’t understand how you don’t see me like that at all. And women can be just as territorial as men.”

“Remember Sam thought you two were dating just because you don’t fucking shut up about Lux.”

“Thank you, Luke, excellent point. And then people see us together and realize that is not the kind of chemistry we share. But without the live experience it’s hard to prove.”

“She’s kind of in a different league than you, she’s definitely not gonna be jealous.”

Lux kicks him a little harder than before.

When they arrive at the apartment, Lux immediately drops her bags and flops on the couch, “This’ll do.”

“You don’t have to sleep on the couch.”

“What are we gonna share? First, we have never been two friends-one bed type of friends, second, we just had the jealous girlfriend talk.”

“Then take Luke’s room,” Jack shrugs.

“Hey!” Luke looks up from his phone to protest.

“I’m not gonna take your room. You’re saving me so much money on hotels, I’m more than okay with the couch.”

“Now that it’s settled, get up, we’re going to dinner.”

Jack grabs her hands and tries to pull her up, Lux goes full limp body.

“Do we have to leave?”

“We just planned to meet up with some guys for dinner, we don’t have any food here” Luke adds, already looking antsy to go, probably more than ready for his next meal.

“Fine, can’t let you waste away,” she dramatically gets off the couch.

“Is that what you’re going to wear?” Jack gives her a once over.

“Do your teammates have some kind of dress code?”

She eyes the boys and their casual outfits that wouldn’t be considered much nicer than her travel clothes.

“No, you just look a little… like you were on a plane,” Jack says like it’s diplomatic, not rude.

“Are you worried I’ll embarrass you in front of your teammates? Cause I can do that with or without changing.”

“Whatever, just– I don’t know fix your ponytail!”

Lux rolls her eyes but takes down her hair and shakes it out, before grabbing a change of clothes just to stop the whining.

“Oh my god guys, I was pretty the whole time! I might be too hot and irresistible for your teammates.” She comes back in tossing her fixed hair over her shoulder.

“And obviously you’d act on that,” Jack tosses her jacket at her.

“What makes you think I wouldn’t fuck one of your teammates? I used to fuck your brother!” Lux shoots Jack incredulous look.

“In fact, I could do both right now, what do you say Lukey?” She winks over at the younger brother.

“Please leave me out of this.”

“Okay, let’s not starve the baby any longer. But reminder, I’m a former WAG, it’s not like I couldn’t get an NHLer if I tried.”

“I’ll start matchmaking then,” Jack wraps an arm around her shoulder and leads her out of the apartment.

The restaurant is a lowkey sushi place. There are only about five Devil’s players, and Lux quickly realizes no other women are gonna be here. She has war flashbacks to the lake house in the summer. 

Lux squeezes herself between Jack and Luke at the table, she wants to have an easy conversation to fall back on.

“So, you’re the famous Lux,” a man with a toothless grin, who Lux learns is Dawson, says from across the table.

“Famous? What have you heard about me?” her stomach twists, probably good things, but Hughes brothers might not be the only ones talking about her.

“With the way he talks about you, I thought Jack was dating you for a while until I learned you were dating Quinn.”

There’s a scuffle under the table, “Oh right, sorry about the break up.”

Lux flushes, “Um- it’s been a while don’t worry about it, I’m not still heartbroken.”

“Well, the other two Hughes brothers love you a lot, always telling stories about you. And Nico said you were really nice.”

“Oh yeah, when you had to introduce your girl best friend to your new best friend,” she pinches Jack’s cheek.

“I took you guys to that place in Greektown,” she perks up a bit, “Is Nico coming tonight?”

Jack eyes her for a second before John Marino butts in, “he bailed, said he was feeling tired.”

The rest of dinner is good, but Lux can feel herself fading fast. And while she’s starting to lean heavily into Jack’s side, he doesn’t seem to get the message.

“You guys want to hear about the time Jack tried to ask out a girl in our chemistry class?”

“Right, you have to get up early, we should go,” Jack is quick to stand.

Luke snickers and doesn’t get to his feet, wants to see where this goes in front of their intrigued teammates.

“After I can talk about when Luke was like 14 or 15 and–“ Luke shoots up and drags Lux up with him.

“Nice to meet you guys, see you later,” Lux calls as they push her out of the restaurant.

:::

She’s hit with the scent of cooking as she comes in the apartment, and takes off her shoes.

“I can finally take this bra off, it’s so uncomfortable but it’s the only one that works with this­– oh. There’s company.”

Lux freezes, one cup of her bra sticking out of her sleeve. Jack is facing the stove, not paying attention.

“Nico’s staying for dinner.”

Nico gives an awkward wave from his spot at the kitchen island with a glass of wine.

“Hi Nico,” she pulls the bra out the rest of the way, “Would have loved a little warning about the company,” then she whips Jack with her bra on her way out, ignoring his protest as she leaves.

She comes back into the kitchen and suddenly feels very exposed in her baggy Lions shirt and old, worn-out short shorts. Her packing hadn’t included thoughts of what to wear in front of men who are basically strangers while hanging around the apartment.

She tries to ignore the heat in her face and confidently take the seat next to Nico, where a new glass of wine is waiting for her.

“Hi Lux, nice to see you again,” he swivels in the barstool, bumping her knee with his.

“You too, even if it didn’t seem like I was before,” she takes a nervous sip of wine.

“Just with the whole bra thing, I try to keep the number of NHLers who’ve seen my nipples to a minimum, it’s probably already too high.”

Nico let’s out a laugh so delightful Lux feels her heart flip. She always thought Nico was cute, but up close and laughing at her jokes, she thinks it’s a bona fide crush now.

Jack scoffs, “You were dared to flash me, so I don’t really count.”

“Okay, so minus Jack, the three is probably enough.”

“Wait, who else saw your nipples?” Jack is less interested in what’s cooking now.

“Quinn, obviously. And Cole at prom; remember the strap on my dress broke, he got and eyeful before he helped cover me up.”

She takes another sip, let Jack’s mind run a bit wild.

“And Lukey walked in on me changing into my swimsuit once.”

The knife Luke is using to chop vegetables clatters onto the cutting board, “You said you’d never tell anyone that!”

“No, I said I wouldn’t tell Quinn that,” and she pretends to look around the room, “and there’s Jack and Nico… no Quinn.”

Luke’s cheeks are burning red and Jack looks like he’s torn between laughing and fuming, which ultimately makes him look a bit constipated.

“You were like 15 and had access to the internet, I doubt my tits were that impactful.”

“Can I throw myself out of a window now?” He looks like he’d prefer to melt into the floor.

Lux stands up and hugs Luke, pinning his arms to his sides, “Don’t worry I won’t let your older brother beat you up over it, though I think you’ve literally grown out of that phase now that you’re taller than him.”

“Now that we know that everyone here but Nico has seen your boobs.”

“We could change that…” Lux chirps at Jack and gets a shove from Luke.

“How was your interview?”

Lux shrugs, “Good, I think… I could not read the interviewer at all.”

“I’m sure you crushed it,” Jack gives her a noogie.

“Thank you for the vote of confidence, but it’s one of the most competitive med schools in America, so I’m not keeping my hopes up too much.”

Before the pair can continue arguing about how smart or not smart Lux is, Nico butts in.

“You’re interviewing for medical schools, right? Where at?

“Today was Columbia, I have Cornell tomorrow, and NYU Friday.”

“All just a train ride away,” Jack says as he starts to move them towards the dining table.

“And I haven’t decided if that’s a pro or con yet,” Lux smirks, before taking a seat.

“So, are you coming to both games?” Nico starts, clearly a ploy to stop the bickering before it really starts, already reading the duo’s antics.

“Of course, she’s coming,” Jack jumps in continues to cut off any protest, “you’ve never seen me play a home game and you’ve never even seen Luke play in the big leagues live!”

“But we agreed one game, two in one week will ruin my whole yearly quota.”

“You’re not a hockey fan?”

“That’s an understatement,” Luke laughs.

“Years with the Hughes family, then becoming a WAG, and we still couldn’t convert her,” Jack says wistfully.

“Maybe The Rock will change your mind,” Nico says thoughtfully.

Lux shrugs, she doesn’t want to rain on his parade, “Who are you playing? Just so I can make sure I don’t get a Zegras jumpscare.”

“He has a girlfriend.”

“I don’t think his relationship status would change how much he enjoys annoying me.”

“We’re not playing the Ducks, plus he’s out with a broken ankle anyway, I don’t think he’s traveling,” Jack adds, his tone hinting that there’s more on that subject he wants to discuss.

“Okay I can tell you’re dying to talk shop, so go ahead,” she’s surprised they let it go on this long.

“We were actually going to talk about the Canucks right before you got here,” Luke say with a little apprehension, always thinking of Lux’s feelings.

“How is Captain Q doing? They’re playing shockingly well, right?”

“I thought you didn’t like hockey?” Jack mocks.

“Our moms talk, I follow hockey players on socials, information gets disseminated.”

Jack makes a face, clearly unsure if that last word means what he thinks it does.

“The Canucks pretty much guaranteed to make it to the playoffs,” Luke probably knows disseminated doesn’t have anything to do with semen.

“Damn, I missed my chance to get a WAG jacket.”

Then the boys are off on tangents about trades and special teams and injuries. Lux silently enjoys the familiar chatter, letting it wash over her like a warm hug. Though she isn’t absorbing any of the information.

 She barely notices when the conversation turns to her while they start to clear the table.

“If you don’t want to sleep on the couch again, Nico has a spare bedroom.” Jack says as if he’s had to repeat himself.

“Excuse me?”

“He lives just upstairs, and has a guest room.”

“I’m staying here to spend time with you, why would I want to stay at some strange guy’s apartment? No offense, Nico.”

“No pressure, if you change your mind the offer is open,” Nico has such a kind smile Lux almost ask if she can stay in his bed.

“Thank you, that’s very nice of you, but I think I’ll stay here.”

Nico nods and says good night before leaving. Lux counts to five after the door shuts behind him.

“What the fuck was that?” Lux glares at Jack.

Jack isn’t quite sure how to respond.

“Why are you trying to pawn me off?”

He shrugs, “I’m not, but he does have a spare room. And it’s nicer to sleep on a bed. And if you happen to hit it off, that’s cool you’ll have another friend when you move here.”

Luke scoffs and retreats to his room, not wanting to get implicated in any scheme.

“So, you have ulterior motives?”

“That makes it sound like my motives are bad, friends are a bad thing now?”

“Friendship isn’t bad, but this feels like you know something I don’t and that makes me very uneasy.”

“I’ve never known something you don’t,” he gives a cheeky smile and Lux rolls her eyes.

He puts the last of the plates in the dishwasher.

“I’m gonna take a shower and go to bed, night Luxxy,” he ruffles her hair as he walks by.

Then she’s alone.

At 9 PM.

Not shooting the shit with her bestie.

Maybe she should have stayed with Nico.

:::

The Cornell interview is a dream. Lux had gone to other interviews and liked a few, but this was different. She was vibing with the interviewer. Everything she learned about the school she loved.

Everything just felt right. 

She was floating on air as she walked the streets toward Central Park. The pizza she stopped for tasted better… although that might have been a New York thing and not a feeling good in the moment thing.

She texts Jack a good luck for the game but doesn’t get a response, she assumes he’s napping or in the zone or something. It’s not a part of their usual texting unless she somehow knows there’s a specifically important game; like when he plays Quinn or the stadium series a few weeks ago.

Lux meets up with a friend from college, who takes her out for drinks then dinner then more drinks. She’s a little tipsy when she gets on the train to Jack’s apartment, insisting to her friend that she doesn’t want to sleep on a futon in her studio apartment.

Halfway there she realizes she should check the score before she gets back. She may not care about hockey but she cares about her friend’s feelings and knowing what kind of mood he’ll be in can only help.

They lost.

Quinn would get quiet and introspective when he lost a game, so it was always easy for Lux. Not only were they not in the same city, but usually he didn’t want to talk. Jack usually got grumpy and wanted to complain. So not the exact environment she was used to or really wanted to be in.

She gets back before the boys somehow. She’s not exactly sure how.

So, she gets ready for bed and turns on the TV, of course it’s already on some channel playing sports highlights. Lux flips around to find something more mindless when they boys come home.

Luke plops down on the couch, suit jacket discarded immediately. Jack sort of awkwardly stands behind the couch, staring at the TV where Lux stopped on a game show.

When neither of them speaks up, Lux fills in the silence.

“Sorry about the loss, but a goal and an assist, that’s pretty cool,” she looks up to Jack with a sad smile, hoping she’s at least a little comforting.

“Mmmhmm,” Jack hums.

She tries a new tactic, “Cornell went well.”

“Cool.”

“I liked it, a lot.” She emphasizes.

“Cool.”

“How about we order pizza, watch bad TV, and not talk then?”

“I’ll pass,” Jack finally moves, heading to his room and shutting the door behind him.

She looks over to Luke, “He’s being weird with me, right?”

“Kind of,” Luke avoids eye contact, his tell when he’s trying protect his brothers in some way.

“We haven’t hung out, just the two of us since I got here. Hell, we haven’t even done a Lux and the Hughes bros night. I want to know if I did something wrong.”

“It’s not you, he was really excited you were coming. Wouldn’t shut up about everything he wanted to show so you’d fall in love with here like he has.”

Lux smirks at that.

“I think the season has been rough for him, he’s been taking it out on himself a little.”

She scoots down the couch and pulls Luke into her side with a hug.

“And how are you doing?” She gives him a squeeze, her instinct to big sister Luke coming out.

“It’s my first full season, I’m just happy to be playing. And Jack’s been taking good care of me.”

“What an insane sentence, but glad you have each other here.”

“And I heard talk of pizza,” he hugs Lux back.

“You’re the local, tell me where to order from,” she ruffles his hair.

:::

Lux wakes up early despite her late night of TV and pizza. She clears off the table before heading towards Jack’s room.

She knocks gently, before just walking in. Though she hovers near the entryway.

“What’s wrong with us?”

Jack’s lying in bed looking at his phone, double chin on full display. Lux would normally make fun of him, or take a picture for her own blackmailing purposes, but now’s not the time.

“What do you mean?” He doesn’t look away from his texting or whatever he’s doing.

Lux crawls into the bed and lays on her side facing him.

“I thought we weren’t ‘share a bed’ friends?”

She rolls her eyes, snatches his phone and throws it to the foot of the bed. It gets lost somewhere in the crumpled duvet.

“When you’ve been using your brother and teammates as a buffer to not be alone with me, I’ll bend our friendship rules.”

“Okay we’re alone, what’s wrong with me?”

“It’s not just a you thing… it’s an us thing.”

Jack finally turns his head to really look at Lux.

“We haven’t talked at all since Christmas, and even then, it was like for 15 minutes between family obligations. And we’re barely texting.”

Lux hates her body for betraying her, tears starting to well up even if she’s more frustrated than sad.

“It feels like right before Quinn broke up with me.”

That gets Jack to sit up, confused, a little angry.

“I’m not fucking breaking up with you.”

“Good, I don’t think I could survive a second Hughes break up.”

Jack sighs, “Just this year has fucking sucked for me, we’re not doing as well– I’m not doing as well as I thought. And you’re in your senior year and applying to med schools, I didn’t want to add my own stress to you.”

“Are you still hurt?”

“Kind of, but we’re like still sort of in the race for a playoff spot and if I can just get us in…”

Lux knows to bite her tongue when it comes to injury management. They’ll play through the pain even if it’s not necessarily the best for themselves, if there’s a chance it’s best for the team.

“And on top of that you get a girlfriend, a meet your parents kind of girlfriend.”

“I guess I’m not over you and Quinn breaking up!”

Lux swallows, tries to put together a coherent thought.

“I know you had a crush on Quinn forever, and I was happy for you guys, but you were my friend first and he kind of ruined that. And now I feel like I have to be careful when it comes to talking about him, or relationships, or even just making fun of you.”

He finally turns onto his side.

“And most importantly I want to talk to you about how Quinn’s girlfriend is so nice it’s kind of annoying.”

“Oh my god, she’s too nice! Do you know she follows me on Instagram? We met like that one time at the lake and she comments on all my pictures about how pretty I am. She knows I’m his ex, right?”

“Oh yeah, it was a whole weird thing when we all played each other the first time. Quinn apparently hadn’t told her explicitly and we made some joke or something and then she just was like ‘oh she’s so nice and pretty, no wonder you liked her.’”

Lux can’t help but laugh.

“I mean maybe I couldn’t handle that like right after the break up, but I was so lost after. I didn’t know how to be a college student without a long-distance boyfriend and still be a good student or friend and whatever, and I was such a bitch at the end of our relationship I thought you wouldn’t be on my side, which you shouldn’t”

“What?”

“We were already having problems, but I purposely made them worse. Like, while I was dodging all his calls, you came to play in Chicago and I made sure that we took a picture together because I knew you’d send it to the family group chat and he’d see I was just living my life.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“I know! I can’t believe he never told you that. He really is like the best brother.”

“Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know, I think I wanted a break but I didn’t know how to ask for one, so I ruined it. And sometimes I think if we took a break maybe we’d get back together again, but also, I just don’t think we were meant for long term.”

She reaches across to grab Jack’s hand, “But us… this shit is forever. We have almost nothing in common and you’re still the first person I want to call with big news or if I need advice, which is crazy cause you’re one of the dumbest people I know.”

Jack laughs, it’s a little wet. They have to ignore it because they love each other but it’s not emotional like this.

“Okay, so I’ll still be your future kids cool Uncle Jack? Even if we’re not blood related?”

“Of course.”

“Okay enough of this emotional stuff, it’s very gross.”

“But what if we kissed right now,” Lux wiggles her eyebrows while trying to keep a straight face.

Jack shoves her hard enough she teeters dangerously on the edge of the bed, as she howls with laughter.

“Oka, now tell me why you’re trying to set me up with Nico?”

“He’s brunette with a lot body hair but almost none on his chest, that’s your type.”

“Oh my god! Shut up, that is not my type,” Lux covers her face, masking her laughs and her embarrassment.

“Palmer from high school was a fucking wolf man.”

“Okay, well recent studies show that’s not my type.”

Jack gags.

“Nico may also sort of be seeing this woman who’s massive bitch to him. And I like him and I like you, so maybe if you hit it off… it would be good for everyone. And make you want to move here.”

“I’m not making life altering decisions based on boys… even for cute Swiss boys or platonic soulmates.”

The door opens suddenly, “We’re gonna be late for morning skate, dude.”

“What if we had been having sex, dude?” Lux says while stretching out on the bed.

“Then the world would be ending, so it wouldn’t really matter,” he rolls his eyes, “I’m pulling out of the garage in 10 minutes with or without you.

“Want to go shopping later?” Jack asks Lux as he gets out of bed

“Are you paying?”

He scoffs, “Sure.”

“Then I’m in. Have fun at morning skate, I’m gonna nap in your bed.”

:::

Things snap back into place almost immediately, like it was more effort pushing each other away than just letting themselves get pulled into each other’s orbit.

And all feels right in the world again.

Thursday is another game day; Lux is reading on the boys’ balcony while they nap. She jolts when the sliding door opens.

“Sorry to scare you,” Nico in a suit sits down across from her, “they still napping?”

“Yes? I don’t know their routines. Why are you here?”

“We’re carpooling.”

They sit quietly for a bit, before Lux finally puts her book down.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been to a game, is this appropriate attire?” She stands up and does a goofy little spin.

“What are you doing?” Jack asks from the doorway, a playful smirk on his face like he’s getting away with something.

“I’m asking if I’m dressed alright, since I’m sitting in your girlfriend’s spot with all the WAGs.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t force her to wear your jersey,” Nico laughs, “but you look nice, won’t even have to change when we go out after the win.”

“Oooh you’re ready to put on a show for me?”

“You could use some make up though,” Jack adds.

Lux just flips him off.

A sleepy looking Luke comes to the door, “Don’t let Lukey drive, he looks like an accident ready to happen.”

“Try to have fun tonight,” Jack hugs Lux.

Normally she’d say something snarky, like ‘try to win then.’ But after their heart to heart, that feels like a twist of the knife.

“I’ll try to be the best good luck charm.”

Lux gets to her seat five minutes into the first period in an attempt to avoid any awkward introductions. Not that she’s against meeting new people, but without social butterfly Jack by her side, she relapses into her shyer ways.

Still, the group tries to include her, shocked she hasn’t seen Jack play in Jersey and forcing her to take a picture where the mascot is holding her bridal style.

She has a couple drinks, cheers when Jack gets an assist, and pretends she doesn’t cheer louder when Nico gets an assist on the game winning goal.

She won’t admit it, but it’s the most fun she’s had at a hockey game, maybe ever.

The women lead her down to the family room while they discuss where they want to go out. Lux is buzzing with adrenaline she was not expecting, ready to follow everyone for a night out with no complaint.

Luke and Jack come out of the locker room simultaneously. Lux is about to jump on Jack when she remembers what he said about his shoulder, so she jumps on Luke’s back instead.

“Lukey, you were so good out there,” she squeezes him tight and ruffles Jack’s hair while she has the height advantage.

“I was -1,” he starts to let her go so she slides off his back.

“I don’t know what that means, so it can’t be that important.”

She gives Luke another hug then turns her attention to Jack, who wraps an arm around her shoulder.

“Guess you were a good luck charm.”

“And yet, you couldn’t score a goal for me.”

“Gotta keep you wanting more.”

She sticks her tongue out at him.

“I heard there were talks of going out? I have an interview tomorrow so the sooner that starts the better.”

They end up at a trendy bar on the other side of the river with about half the team and their significant others. She lets Jack talk her into taking a shot about two steps into the establishment.

She laughs, she dances, she drinks a bit too much. Her head starts to spin and she makes her way to the patio, the chilled air feels good and clears her vision.

A cold glass of water brushes against her arm.

“You probably should hydrate.”

“Thanks,” she smiles up at Nico.

“Did you have fun tonight? At the game?”

“Yeah, but don’t tell Jack it’ll go to his head.”

“Might be a con if you end up picking Cornell, he’ll make you come watch all the time.”

“I think med school is a good excuse to miss out.”

Nico shrugs, “I’d miss my good luck charm.”

The early spring air is chilly, but a gust of warm air comes over Lux. ‘This is flirting. Nico is flirting with me,’ rings in her head while she struggles to be charming, or smooth in response.

Of course, that’s when the clock strikes midnight and she turns back into a pumpkin, or really Jack interrupts the moment.

“Luxxy, time to leave! I won’t be the reason you’re late or hungover for your interview.” He yells from the doorway of the bar, for maximum embarrassment.

Lux close her eyes and lets out a sigh. Then lets a final burst of liquid confidence bubble up to the surface.

“I might not see you before I leave, so let me give you my phone number,” she holds out her hand for his phone, which he unlocks and hands over.

“Partially, because seeing this happen will make Jack lose his mind. And it would be nice to have another friend if I move out here.”

Nico is kind of dumbstruck as he nods along, “Friends are nice.”

“Especially cute friends,” she holds back a grin and gives him a kiss on the corner of his mouth.

He turns an adorable shade of pink.

“What was that?” Jack says as she walks by taking him in tow.

“What? Isn’t that what you wanted?”

:::

The last interview goes fine. Not great, but at least she isn’t hungover for it.

Her flight out is at an ungodly time the next morning, so she insists on an early bedtime from her chauffeurs.

Which is how she ends up sitting alongside the river, brown bagging beers with the Hughes brothers, watching the sun set.

“So, am I going to meet the new girlfriend at the lake this summer?”

“You’re actually coming to the lake house this summer?”

“If I can embarrass you in front of your new girlfriend? Absolutely.”

“I’m giving your room to Trevor,” beer sloshes out of his can when he elbows her.

“C’mon, this might actually be my last summer at the lake. I’m becoming a doctor; I think I’ll be busy. Or maybe I’ll meet someone.”

“Someone who will whisk you off to Switzerland?” Jack wiggles his eyebrows and Luke make smooching sounds.

“Anything is possible,” she raises her beer and drinks to that.

[papayatori]

Fall away (p5)

Inumaki Toge x fém!reader

Had I lived a life of weakness, or was I simply realizing just how strong everyone else around me had become? I stood in the middle of the training yard, fending off attacks from Yuta. He had decided to be my sparring partner today.

He had introduced himself to me earlier, almost shaking from his own nervousness. He was Inumaki’s best friend, I knew I would have to talk with him eventually, but today seemed off to me.

I knew that he was on a mission with the others, but I had no idea that when he’d gotten back that he would have a sudden interest in me. Though, I had learned recently from Gojo, that we had similar abilities. While Yuta failed to use a technique like the rest of us did with the exceptions of Maki, he still possessed a cursed spirit within himself known as Rika. Maki had warned me of her, as she had had a flaming jealousy of Maki from their first meeting. The only explanation of this was that Maki was another female that knew Yuta; though the flame in her eyes and the blush creeping onto her cheeks explained something entirely different. I kept that to myself in case Maki ever tormented me about Toge again.

“You’re fast, but your punches are pulled.” Yuta stated confidently with a small chuckle. I grimaced, noticing the gazes of our peers on the sidelines.

“Im not pulling punches, Yuta! You have a katana.” He shrugged, throwing it to me.

“Now you have a katana. Let’s see if we can fight evenly now.” I glared at him, readying myself for the next battle.

I completely willed my cursed energy to my core as Toge had instructed. I felt it flow through my body, pulse in my veins. I figured the only way to wield a weapon with zero cursed energy would be to use my own, I allowed it to flow into the wooden katana all at once, pushing as hard as I could to focus the energy. I saw Yuji give me a thumbs up from the sidelines.

Yuta now had Maki’s staff in his hands. She was standing awkwardly beside Panda with no explanation. I knew she must have given it to him.

He threw the first attack, nearly sweeping my legs out from under me. I had been distracted and he had used this to his advantage. I stood completely, dodging his next move with ease. Our weapons were crossed, and I pushed him further back, causing him to falter and stumble slightly.

“Fast and strong, I see.” I didn’t bother responding, only pushing further into battle.

I swiped at him with the katana. He narrowly blocked before twirling the staff. I blocked with my forearm, allowing the sting to flow through me and create more cursed energy. I focused it all into the katana, swinging at the arm that held the staff. My eyes widened.

The wooden katana had shattered as he easily blocked the blow and knocked me from my feet. He poked my forehead with the staff before offering me a hand that I reluctantly took to stand up once again.

“When focusing cursed energy into a weapon as you have just done, it can be vital to succeed; however, when done too hastily and forcefully, it will cause damage to you rather than your opponent.” He spoke clearly as if he had had experience. I nodded, taking note.

“So, by pushing cursed energy gradually, it will be more effective.” He smiled.

“Correct.”

We had met the others on the sidelines, allowing for criticism on both ends of our fight. Toge took my hand, sizing me up for any injuries that might need tending to. He smiled down at me before tugging his scarf back up to hide his markings once more.

“Salmon.” He stated, congratulating my progress as he always did. It was my turn to smile at him this time.

“I still have much to learn, Toge.” He nodded in agreement.

So much to learn and so little time to do so. Gojo had informed me early this morning after a night of celebration that the group had returned safely that I was to go on my first mission today. I had finally spent the night in my room again, too scared to sleep but too scared to call for Toge. Yuji had checked on me a few times, which I was grateful for, but it didn’t help the sleepless night that I endured. Now I was to go on a mission?

“You will be accompanied by Fushiguro, mostly to spectate you in case the time is of need, but accompanying you nonetheless.” I nodded blankly, his words barely registering.

Now, we were being sent to an abandoned school on the outskirts of Tokyo. I had never even heard the name before, surprisingly. I suppose it had been cursed for some time now.

Ijichi drove us to the spot, lowing the veil and wishing us luck. He didn’t speak much I had come to realize, but a colleague regardless. Besides, that made things easier on me.

“The spirit is possibly a low grade 3, I doubt it will give you any trouble considering your skills, y/l/n”. He had said to me beforehand. Megumi had listened in, taking in the debrief with open ears. He didn’t speak much either.

We slowly walked into the horrifying building. Graffiti covered the gates and the outside walls.

“Kids must hang around this place a lot.” Megumi noted. “Be on the lookout for innocents.” I nodded, keeping my weary eyes as peeled as possible.

Our footsteps echoed in the hallways, they seemed to stretch for miles. I had decided to sweep the second floor myself, keeping Megumi to the first floor. I figured we’d get more done that way.

“If you see anything, don’t immediately attack unless you know for utmost certainty that you can handle it by yourself.” He kept his voice low, but it was still lethal.

“I’ll be ready.” He nodded, continuing down the hallway as I ascended up the rickety stairway.

Every little noise I heard made me jump. Fear brimmed my senses, sending my pulse into fight or flight. A rat scurried across the floor with a squeak, causing me to almost lose balance.

Pull yourself together, y/n. It’s just a mouse.

I heard a growl from somewhere in front of me. It sounded hungry, needy. Almost immediately, I felt the presence of whatever cursed spirit lied beneath the folds of darkness that blanketed the hall. I heard slow footsteps followed by a small chuckle. A cold chill traced my spine.

Disobeying every intelligent cell in my body, I walked further into the darkness. The hum of cursed energy released itself upon me. I focused it, sending it throughout my body. I unsheathed my katana, remembering my training with Yuta yesterday. My muscles still ached even after.

Though I could see nothing, I could feel the direction the spirit was. Its cursed energy seemed to be the strongest inside one of the classrooms. Reluctantly, I opened the door, whirling around for any immediate dangers.

I can see nothing here.

I heard another soft chuckle followed by a bellowing groan. The sound of saliva hitting the floor woke me from my internal slumber. I felt my organs rearranging themselves as my eyes darted to the corner of the room to be met with an ugly, humanoid being like the one that had entered my room all those nights ago. My fear overtook my emotions. My heart plummeted quickly, feeling every muscle in my body tense as the thing lunged for me.

I instantly threw myself into battle, swiping my katana and trying my best to focus my energy at the same time while my fear seemed to control my movements. I couldn’t let my instincts take over, as if something was holding me back.

“Don’t be afraid, little one. I don’t bite.” It cooed before lunging itself at me once more. I swung the katana with force, starting to regain control of my muscles again. I smiled lightly at the beast.

“I don’t know this fear in which you speak of, I’d like to meet them someday.” I said with a chuckle, slicing into the arm of the beast. It screamed loudly, probably alerting any bystanders of its presence.

It slashed its claws angrily, trying its best to regain the upper hand. My smile had grown ferocious, my cursed energy pounding within my veins. I focused it gradually in the katana as Yuta had told me to. I was starting to enjoy this.

My instincts had started to kick in. I dodged every attack with minimal effort. It hissed and screamed and wailed as I continued to wear it down. A slash to the arm, a cut limb, an elbow to the face. My cursed energy poured through my body, hounding the spirit with no trouble at all.

“You don’t know fear, yet you tremble where you stand.” It mocked me. “It’s so strong I can almost taste it.” I smirked, twirling my katana from my back and readying myself once more for an unpredicted lunge. I stared into its black eyes, feeling the void within. I felt the anger, the urge to kill on instinct. It welled within the spirit, overriding every other emotion. Ichiji had awoken it from its slumber with the veil, the only thing it wished to do was reside happily inside the haunting school. I spat at its feet.

“Is that why you’re bleeding and there isn’t even a scratch on me?” I laughed at it, mocking its very existence. “I’ll allow you to go back to sleep if you’d like. Though, this privilege will be much more permanent.” It attempted to attack, but I easily countered. I had started to lose myself in the bloodthirsty rage that was cursed sorcery. I laughed as I cut through its chest, into the place where its heart should have been. I pulled my sword free, watching it fall to the ground with a thump.

It was still alive, but only at my mercy. I heard its jagged cries, I felt every welled emotion releasing itself into my mind relentlessly. I saw my own death once again flashing behind my lids every time I blinked. It’s hot blood dripped from my blade.

“How does it feel to sleep?” I asked it, beckoning it to answer to me. It growled, looking up at me with a malicious grin.

“I’ll never be able to answer you that. I’ll only be reborn once more. This time, I’ll be stronger, and your life will mean nothing-“

I had placed my hand on its head, gripping it hard enough to bruise. It winced, baring its jagged teeth. I laughed again.

I felt the energy within it decreasing as well as its malicious emotions. They seeped into my skin as the beast had started dissipating. I heard rushed footsteps from down the hall.

“Y/n!” Megumi called in terror. His eyes grew large at the sight unfolding before him.

I gripped harder, feeling its life drain into the palm of my hand in the shape of a bronze orb that was colored like the spirits skin. It whirled and buzzed within my grasp. Megumi tried to run to me, but his muscles wouldn’t move.

It felt as though I weren’t myself, as if I was spectating and watching whoever was controlling my body. Without a second thought, I shoved the orb into my mouth, swallowing it whole.

“Y/n?” Megumi had frozen in shock. He had no idea what he had witnessed, and truth be told, neither did I. Before I could answer, I dropped to my knees. I was shaking violently. The aftertaste in my mouth tasted like death itself, the taste alone making me gag and wail. I felt a tear fall from my eye.

“Are you okay?” Megumi asked, rushing towards me. “What the hell did you expect it to taste like!?” I ignored his comment, not able to speak anyway. My cursed energy had felt stronger, lighter. My senses felt almost heightened as I stared up at Megumi, who was also trying to make sense of whatever the hell was happening.

“Did I really swallow that thing?” I asked, finally regaining my ability to move without throwing up. He gasped.

“Did you not intend to?!” He shouted, frustrated. I felt sorry for him.

“Not exactly.” I stated, standing and dusting myself off. Blood that wasn’t my own coated my new uniform.

We walked out together. I noticed Megumi looked roughed up a little, I suppose he had encountered a spirit of his own. Ijichi didn’t say a word as the veil was lifted and we drove back to the school.

Inumaki was pacing his room, not wanting to train with the others today. He had blocked all possibilities of something happening to you out of his mind just to keep himself sane. He hadn’t known you for long, and he didn’t exactly know how he already worried so strongly for you; but he did know you were a lot like Yuta. He knew your past wasn’t the best, he knew some of the things you struggled with, and he also knew that you had just learned many things about your family and your history that probably didn’t sit well with you. Not to mention, you hadn’t stayed with him the night before, and he hadn’t been able to see you before you left.

He heard a knock from the outside of his room, and without thinking he immediately opened the door. Gojo was standing there.

“Fushiguro and Y/l/n have returned, I figured you’d want to know. The others are making their way down as we speak-“ without uttering a word or letting Gojo finish, he pushed past him and started sprinting towards the main entrance. He had to make sure you were okay.

Gojo chuckled, watching the lovestruck boy run after the girl he didn’t even realize he loved.

I stood at the gate, Megumi beside me as Ijichi drove the car around to park. God knows how long it’s really been since we left, and I felt the weight of my lids drooping with every movement. I glanced around at the school that was shaded in orange from the setting sun. Had it been all day? I figured it would’ve taken longer than that.

Without warning, I was tackled in a bone crushing hug. I looked over, surprised to see the platinum blonde boy squeezing me to death. He pulled away quickly, eyes growing wild at the blood staining my uniform. He grabbed my hand and instantly started running back inside. I had no choice but to follow behind him, my entire body aching with each movement. He didn’t slow his pace until we reached what I knew to be rather familiar: the infirmary.

“Tuna, tuna!” He said, his lungs struggling for air. I looked at him, feeling his every crazed emotion. Had he forgotten to put up a mental shield?

Shoko looked me up and down, inspecting my entire body. I felt like I was being judged, I didn’t like this. I flushed.

“I don’t see anything wrong with her, Inumaki. Is everything alright?” He bowed to her slightly in thanks.

“Bonito flakes.” He said simply. I gave Shoko an apologetic smile.

“I’m not really sure, either honestly.” I said, still shaken from the soul I had absorbed. She noticed me stifle a gag at the thought, though she didn’t mention it.

Gojo walked in behind us with Megumi, who seemed to be slightly injured himself.

“You forgot the injured one, Inumaki.” He stated with a small smirk. I rolled my eyes, knowing what he was thinking. He turned his attention to me. “I believe we have some things to discuss?” I nodded, expecting fully for Megumi to mention something about what he had witnessed. He sent me an apologetic look to which I smiled back.

Gojo led me out of the room, leaving Inumaki pacing the hallway as I stood in Gojo’s ‘office’ once more.

“Did you really swallow it?” He asked me, no humor sweeping his tone whatsoever. He was dead serious. I felt the tension in the room rise significantly.

“Yes.” I stated simply. “I’m not even fully aware of why I did something like that. I didn’t feel completely in control. I was sort of living off instincts purely.” He nodded.

“Fushiguro mentioned that, too. Though, you don’t even have a scratch on you, and I’m certain that was at least a semi grade one cursed spirit. You spoke to it?” I shrugged.

“We had a conversation, yes.” He hummed.

“The fact that it not only could understand your Japanese, it could also form sentences that you could understand as well, is utterly terrifying to me.” He stated before continuing. “Though, something else is also concerning me quite a bit.” He started.

I tilted my head slightly, not exactly sure what he was leading into.

“Why did Inumaki tackle you?” His grin grew wider and wider as a blush grew on his cheeks. I scowled, pointing at him.

“Now isn’t the time for that, Gojo!” I yelled, walking for the door. He continued to giggle.

“Keep living in denial, y/l/n!” And I continued out of the room without another word. Toge was waiting outside with a small blush tinting his cheeks. He must have heard Gojo’s teasing.

Despite the excitement of today, I was absolutely exhausted. Toge grabbed my hand, sensing my exhaustion, and led me to my room. I didn’t even bother changing, I just flopped onto the bed while Inumaki sat at my feet. He kept eyeing me, as if still worried something was wrong with me. I sent him a questioning glance, he pulled out his phone and started typing once again.

“Are you feeling okay?” The robotic voice of his phone said. I nodded slowly with a small smile, motioning for him to unzip his collar. He did so hesitantly, giving me a shy smile.

I sat up straight, wrapping my arms around him. He flushed slightly and his muscles tensed before easing into my embrace.

“I’m fine, Toge. I promise. I’m just exhausted. I didn’t really sleep last night.” He coughed lightly before typing again.

“Why didn’t you come get me?” His phone spoke again. I chuckled.

“I didn’t want to be a bother to you anymore than I was.” He grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. His touch was gentle, caring.

“Never.” He muttered. His voice never ceased to make my heart melt, no matter how much he spoke.

He kissed me softly before pulling away just as quickly. Neither of us were aware of what we were now, but we both knew we liked this. My face was a mess, I wanted more but I was exhausted.

I buried my face in his shoulder, feeling his heart beat faster. His warmth comforted me, his touch slowed my anxiety.

I fell asleep thinking about Toge once again, erasing the gruesome sight I had been forced to play in only hours before.

Sorry this one’s so short! A lot has been going on recently 🥲

Tag list: @grilledbananas @sillygoose3082

[fairestar]

“awakened imagination” by neville goddard · a summary

this post is the first of a forthcoming set in which i summarise and simplify neville goddard’s book “awakened imagination”. you can read the original here, and you can check other summaries here. please note this book is heavily reliant on his religion and, as much as i will try to make it as non-religious and simple as possible, there are still passages and comparisons that i can't take out without hindering neville words’ meaning. take these posts as if i were taking notes for future reference during class.

❁ chapter I : who is your imagination?

“imagination” is the kind of word that has been used for so long it has gathered plenty of different meanings, which often oppose each other: thought, hallucination, suspicion... neville identifies “imagination” with the power that makes achievement of our goals inevitable. there is only one thing in the world: imagination, and all our deformations of it. imagination is the very gateway to reality.

according to blake, man is only a natural organ subject to sense; the eternal body of man is imagination: god itself, the divine body. by imagination we have the power to be anything we desire to be; only as we live by imagination can we truly be said to live at all.

with this book, neville wants you to function imaginatively, to open your “immortal eyes inwards into the worlds of thought”, where you have all of your heart's desires ripe and ready to harvest. imagination is the hidden mystery from the ages, the hope of glory.

“every man is mary and birth to christ must give”.

imagination's birth and growth is the gradual transition from a god of tradition to a god of experience. if the birth of imagination in you seems slow it is because you are unwilling to let go of that comfortable, but false, grasp to tradition.

man is the garden in which christ —imagination— sleeps. man is awakened by his imagination getting lifted up to heaven and being made god-like. in the moment of awakening, he meets the test of sonship, of his imagination being christ: the forgiveness of sin (“sin” meaning failing to achieve one's aim in life, falling short of one's ideal; “forgiveness” meaning identification of man with his aim/ideal in life). this tests man's ability to inhabit the nature of his opposite (go from the state of the undesirable self to the state of the desirable self), to perform the work of an awakened imagination.

is imagination power sufficient to, not only enable us to assume, but to execute the idea too?

suppose i desire to be in some other place, but i lack the social and financial resources to do so; could i, just by imagining myself in such place, cause the physical realization? would only my imagination be sufficient to incarnate my desire? does imagination understand what is deducted from the senses? does it recognise the outer world?

suppose i am capable of sustaining the feeling of the wish fulfilled, of acting with continuous imagination; will my assumption harden into fact? and if it does, will i find that my actions throughout this period have been reasonable? after assuming that i already am that which i desire, must i constantly guide myself by “reasonable” ideas and actions so as to cause the fulfillment of my assumption?

the answer to all these questions is that an assumption, though false, if persisted in, will harden into fact; continuous imagination is sufficient for all things, all of our “reasonable” plans and actions won't ever make up for our lack of continuous imagination.

“imagine that you are and you shall be”.

truth depends upon the intensity of imagination, not upon external facts. you become what you imagine. you have a self-determined history. imagination is the truth, the life revealed.

but the thing is, we cannot get hold of truth with the logical mind (stop thinking and worrying about the how! logic does not come into play here, let it go, you don't need it), it cannot be enclosed by facts: as we awaken to the imaginative life, we discover that imagining a thing is to create it, that true judgement doesn't need to conform to the outer world to which it relates (this means, the truth doesn't always look the same as the 3D does at that moment).

the imaginative man does not deny the reality of the sensuous outer world (3D), but knows that the inner world of continuous imagination (4D) is the force by which the outer world comes to pass. he sees the 3D and all its situations as projections of the 4D. to him, everything is a manifestation of the mental activity present in his imagination, without the outer, reasonable man being aware of it. he knows that everyone must become aware of their inner activity, and the relationship between the inner and outer worlds.

the moment you discover that your imagination is god-like, you accomplish acts that can only be described as miraculous. but until you realise that everything you come across is part of yourself, you won't accept that you are the one that has chosen the conditions of your life, that they are in affinity to your mental activity. you must firmly believe that reality lies within you, not without; although others have bodies and lives of their own, their reality is rooted in you and ends in you.

it is a marvelous thing to discover that you can imagine yourself into the state of your wish fulfilled and escape the prison of ignorance. embrace this new knowledge and let go of your past beliefs for they're untrue. live in continuous imagination and make your desires come to pass.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ© fairestar, 2023.

[redroomreflections]

Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story Chapter 4

Natasha Romanoff x Black!Fem! Reader

Note: This is a repost from my since deactivated account Natsxaddiction. I will be adding the shorter stories to here; 20 chapters or less - sorry TLH fans =(

Masterlist | General Masterlist

Chapter 4/20 (A completed story)

Summary: Natasha and Reader are married. They get into an accident where Natasha suffers serious injuries including amnesia. Natasha no longer remembers her life with reader and their children. All she remembers are her days loving Bruce.

W/c: 3.2k

“Is Olivia still sleeping?” You ask as you look to the open doorway.

“She is,” Natasha answers simply. She stands with her arms folded and her legs shoulder-width apart. Nothing about her body language is welcoming or loving. She’s uncomfortable with you. You know Natasha so well and she’s prepared herself for a fight. As if you’d take it that far. Not after all this time.

“Do you want to sit?” You know you’re stalling. It’s stupid. You’re nervous to tell your wife about how you met. You’ve both gone over that day plenty of times. It’s nothing new. Natasha doesn’t respond. “We, um, our meeting wasn’t exactly the best. I guess you can gather that. Who told you? Tony? Steve?”

“Bruce,” Natasha supplies simply and she can see the slight confusion on your face. “I called him earlier. I figured he wouldn’t lie to me. Would get straight to the truth.”

“And he told you to ask me, right?” You conclude and she tilts her chin slightly. “I was raised by Hydra.” You begin slowly. You don’t even look to see Natasha’s face. Reliving all of the painful memories of your childhood is never easy. “I wasn’t. I don’t know much about the entire process. My father was a scientist working for Strucker. They had been planning and doing experiments for years. I grew up in the lab. My mother, god knows where she is, but I didn’t really mind. I was always excited to go to work with my dad. The experiments were innocent at first. Started with me standing in the same room as the scepter. Then things progressed.” You shake your head. “My father died and by then I was old enough to make my own decisions. Wanda and Pietro, the twins, were fifteen when they decided to join. I stayed to keep them safe.” You look over to Natasha to make sure she’s still listening. “I’m not telling you this to pity me but I just think you need to understand the magnitude of what we were dealing with. What we all went through at the hands of that man. Things should have been different.” You whisper to yourself.

“Anyway, I was loyal to my brother and sister,” You speak with a bit of defiance. “I couldn’t just leave them. After so many years of brainwashing and…” You don’t finish. You think she of all people would understand. “We were doing what we thought was right. I remained in the shadows. Up until a few years ago, I didn’t exist in the world. I was just another lost kid. So, we had the twins approach the Avengers first. Anything to get to Tony Stark. Wanda can slip into people’s minds and make them see their worst fear. We just needed to figure out what those were. Now she doesn’t need to do that but then,” You realize you may be rambling and that none of this may make sense to her. You lick your lips, finding your mouth to be dry, as you continue telling the story. Your story. “Do you, um, do you remember Morocco? Just a year before Ultron.”

Natasha’s eyes widen in horror. She remembers that night like the back of her hand. She’s always remembered it and played it over and over again in her head. The night she fell in love with a stranger. A woman she danced with well into the night. A woman that she stupidly let her guard down with only to wake up in the morning to an empty bed. The only thing she kept was the memory of that woman and how she made her feel. That and a tiny scar just below her…

Natasha doesn’t even give you time to react before she grabs your chin to turn your head. Sure enough there it is. The scar she remembers oh so well. It’s placed low on your right cheek. Something she thought was a birthmark up until now.

“That was you?” Natasha’s grip tightens for only a second. She can’t believe what she’s seeing. After all this time. All these years making up different reasons you left in her head. Sometimes she thought she imagined it. Other times she couldn’t stop thinking about that woman. About you. Now you’re standing here before her telling her it was all a scheme to get close to her. You can’t read the expression on her face and that terrifies you. She drops her hand, searching your eyes for something you’re not sure of before she backs away. “H-how does any of that make sense? I don’t understand. Was that in your plan? To fuck me and get information out of me? Are you really that deluded?” Natasha can’t wrap her head around what she’s being told.

“It worked. It was the only way to learn your fears,” You respond with a shaky voice. “I, we, I didn’t plan to sleep with you. I was supposed to befriend you and that was it. You were the one to invite me back to your hotel.”

“That makes it so much better,” She says sarcastically.

“I was supposed to dance with you and drug you and Wanda was supposed to come in and slip into your mind,” You confess. “When I met you it was different. You were different. It was nothing like I imagined. For that one night, I felt something and I went against my orders to be with you, and I- just…”

The stakes were high. You had Natasha, the infamous Black Widow right where you wanted her. You had to think quickly on your feet. You had to do something. Anything to get her to trust you.

“You what? Fell in love?”

“It was the first time I’d ever been with anyone. It was completely my choice,” You confirm. “I had you right where I wanted you and I took what I could. I used that information so Wanda could get into your head. Same with Thor and same with Tony, and Bruce, and Steve.”

“And you slept with them too?” Natasha’s hand twitches.

“No,” You shake your head. “Only you. It’s always been only you.”

“And after Ultron? You saw me and thought what? That it would be a happy reunion. Did you not feel anything?” Natasha doesn’t know whether she wants to puke or cry or fight. Everything she’s known has been a lie and she allowed it. She let herself slip for one night only to realize it all was a farce. She was a pawn in some game she wasn’t even playing. How could she trust you after this?

“Did you feel anything when you were a Widow?” You ask rhetorically. You already know the answer to that. Natasha’s been on missions much like the one you did plenty of times.

“Don’t spin this on me,” Natasha raises a finger, poking you in your chest, her eyes showing no sign of recognition. “I was…” She can’t find the words she wants to use. She doesn’t have any excuses for her life either. Not that she owes one to you.

“When we met for a second time, during Ultron, we almost killed each other.” You keep going. “You recognized me immediately. I didn’t want to fight but it’s what I had to do. We almost killed each other.”

“What stopped me?” Natasha questions.

“Love,” You answer quietly. “I know it sounds horrible but I couldn’t hurt you. When we realized what Ultron was doing we changed our minds and we fought with you. We lost Pietro and it all seemed like the world was ending at once. We became Avengers and moved into the compound.”

“Unbelievable,” Natasha scoffs. “So, you’ve been painting our marriage as this perfect thing this entire time when it’s been based on nothing but lies? I married a liar. How do you live with yourself? Are you lying about the girls too? Did you take them from their mother? How do I know you’re not lying to them? How can I trust you with them.”

“Natasha, that’s not fair,” You become emotional. You would never do anything to hurt any of your family. As messy as your past is you have always worked towards righting your wrongs.

“What’s not fair is I have no memories after an accident that could have been caused by my lying, manipulative wife,” Natasha snaps. “And I’m here with you. Not understanding any of this and you tell me we’re happy and I don’t know how to believe you.”

“Natasha,” You take a step towards her but she’s fast and before you even know what she’s doing she has a knife pointed towards your throat. Your shield, a light purple, is the only thing keeping it from touching you. You don’t care when she’s looking at you that way. As if you killed her puppy. Natasha backs away, not giving you another glance, as she leaves to lock herself in the guest bedroom. Truth be told, you assumed she would have left the house entirely. You think the only reason she’s staying is for the girls and even then you feel that’s a bit shaky.

You don’t give yourself room to breathe, letting your shield down, as you reach for the bed blindly. The tears in your eyes blur your vision as you plop onto the mattress.

That went well.

**********************

Inside the guest room, Natasha is going through a myriad of emotions. She doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the absurdity of this situation. Out of the scenarios she played in her head she didn’t think this would be one of them. With the pocket knife still in her hand, she flips it over many times. Realizing the severity of what she almost did, she drops it onto the mattress beside her. How could any of this be true?

You’ve been in her life for even longer than she thought and she’s not sure she likes the idea of that. This is all too much for her to handle. She wants to run. She could do it. You probably wouldn’t stop her she thinks. Another part of her is curiosity. If the old her could get past it and forgive you what makes this different? In all of your interactions for the past few days, you’ve been nothing but genuine and gentle with her. How was she supposed to compartmentalize all of that? Your love was built on lies, pain, and everything Natasha told herself she wouldn’t do. When she was younger and allowed herself to think about having a family, which wasn’t often, she imagined healthy love. Someone who understands her and doesn’t care about her past. A person she could be completely herself with.

Was that you?

For now, she doesn’t know the answer to that question and she’s not ready to question anymore. She’s had enough of her past today. She lies on the bed, parallel to your position in the other room, as she replays what just happened in her head.

Natasha doesn’t come out of the bedroom for the rest of the night. When you find Olivia curled into her you don’t disturb them. You close the door behind them and go back down into your bedroom to make a call.

You hold the phone to your ear, breathing harshly, as you wait for an answer. Wanda picks up after the second ring. She speaks a bright Sokovian greeting but quickly changes her tune when she realizes it’s you.

“Y/n, is everything okay?” Wanda asks. She’s patient as she waits for you to gather yourself. You feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and haphazardly thrown back into your body.

“No,” You finally speak. “I told Natasha.”

Wanda asks knowingly. “I take it she didn’t receive things too well.”

“Not at all,” You wipe your face free of the tears running down your face. “Wanda, how am I supposed to do this? Maybe I’m way in over my head. It’s only been a few days but I’ve already managed to make her hate me.”

“I don’t think Natasha has it in her to hate you,” Wanda replies.

“This isn’t our Natasha, Wands.” You sigh. “She’s different. Combative.”

“I remember a time when you were the same way.” Wanda reminds you. “When we first joined Hydra you weren’t exactly the nicest to us.”

“I had to make sure you weren’t trying to kill me in my sleep,” You say. “You were strangers.”

“My point,” Wanda shakes her head. “I’m not saying it will be easy but stick around for her a little longer. She’s going through a rough time too. Would you take it well if everything you’ve known is different or changed?”

“No,” You grumble.

“Then have patience,” Wanda encourages. “Don’t let her walk all over you. You’re supposed to be the top.”

“Not funny,” You roll your eyes.

“I’m sorry, sestra.” Wanda giggles to herself. “I do think you should give her a chance.”

“Who made you the big sister?” You ask in annoyance.

“Sometimes it’s okay for the little sister to take over,” Wanda reminds you. “Come here tomorrow. Have lunch with us. I will make you something special. The girls can come to play and I can see you.”

“Yeah, that sounds nice,” You agree. “I can’t promise there won’t be tears.”

“From you or the girls?” Wanda jokes.

“Both,” You shoot back. “Do you have to hang up?” You ask as you look at the time. It’s getting pretty late.

“I can stay on the phone,” Wanda promises. “I was going to play a little guitar out on the balcony. Will that bother you?” She’s such a good sister. You don’t know what you’d do without her.

“No, go ahead.” You climb under the covers, propping the phone up next to you, as you drift off to sleep. Wanda’s soft playing and your exhaustion from the day allow you to fall asleep fairly quickly. Hopefully, tomorrow would be better.

***************************

It’s the next morning and Natasha is awakened by the sound of crying. She sits up, resting on her elbows, to see Olivia is still sound asleep beside her. There’s a sliver of light peeking from her curtains so she can deduce that it’s early morning. How long was she asleep? She pushes the covers back to go and investigate. She follows the sound of noise down to the girl’s bedroom. She finds Lily standing up in her crib, rubbing her eyes, as she calls out for both of you.

“Hi, sweet girl,” Natasha coos, signing hello, as she comes to stand closer to the crib. She looks over the bonnet on Lily’s head, finding it to be interesting before she looks down at Lily’s wide eyes.

“Up,” Lily begs and Natasha obliges. She scoops the little girl into her arms, feeling her bottom for a wet diaper before she walks over to the changing table.

“I know that was pretty uncomfortable huh,” Natasha speaks to her as she changes her diaper quickly. She has a bit of difficulty changing out of her onesie though this doesn’t deter her. She changes Lily’s diaper, deciding to dress her in a different outfit before she looks around the nursery. She hasn’t been in this room yet. It’s well done. The walls are muted pink with a rose gold decal. The dresser in the far corner of the room is white with rose-gold handles. There’s a rocking chair in another corner. Olivia’s bed, shaped like a proper princess’s bed is on the other side while Lily’s crib takes over the other side of the room. There’s a bookshelf full of children’s books. A baby monitor with a camera attached to Lily’s crib. Everything looked so well done and normal. Did you choose the decorations together?

“Ears?” Lily questions and Natasha is reminded of her cochlear implants.

“You don’t wear these at night? I guess that makes sense,” Natasha says as she attempts to put them on. It takes a few tries but eventually, she gets it right. Lily signs “on” giving Natasha a proud smile as they stand together in her bedroom. “Would you like breakfast?” Natasha asks.

“Food?” Lily tilts her head while rubbing her tummy. She sure could eat right now. “Mommy?” Lily asks. She’s looking for you.

“She’s probably still asleep. For now, you have me kid,” Natasha carries Lily down to the first floor. Despite the slight pain in her ribs, she feels a bit better. She’s not supposed to be carrying Lily but she’d be damned if she misses out on this very important thing. She would carry her baby forever if need be. She places Lily in her high chair, before walking over to the fridge to get breakfast.

“Go!Go!” Lily points excitedly. Natasha follows her line of sight to see a box of Yoplait Gogurt sitting on one of the shelves. She takes her time opening it before giving it to Lily. The toddler gulps it down as she watches Natasha. Natasha makes quick work of fixing a bowl of oatmeal. She helps to feed the toddler, finding that Lily is truly a happy baby, as she smiles through the entire meal.

Natasha is enjoying her morning breakfast when she hears footsteps coming down onto the first floor. She spots curls first before Olivia catapults herself into her lap.

“Olivia Jane, be careful,” You warn her as she jumps into Natasha’s arms.

“She’s fine,” Natasha rolls her eyes and you’re not sure exactly how to respond to that. So you ignore it. You walk over to the Keurig, finding your desired flavor, before turning the machine on. You greet Lily with a bunch of kisses to her face, almost turning to kiss Natasha too before you stop yourself. For a second you forgot.

“Mama, I slept in the bed with you,” Olivia reminds Natasha. “I didn’t kick you this time right?” Olivia questions as a bowl of warm oatmeal are placed in front of her. For her bowl, you cut up fruit to place inside.

“No you were a perfect angel,” Natasha assures her.

‘Why you didn’t sleep with Mommy again?” Olivia asks and neither of you knows how to answer that.

“Since Mama is still hurt we decided she needed a bed to herself,” You answer. Hopefully, that would make sense to a three-year-old.

“Oh,” Oliva nods in understanding.

“It’s too easy for you,” Natasha mumbles and you don’t bother to ask her what she means.

“What do you guys think about going to see Aunt Wanda today?” You ask instead.

“I go!” Lily grins. She loves Aunt Wanda and so does Olivia.

“Me too,” Olivia eats from her spoon. She manages to keep all of the oatmeal in her mouth and off the table this time around.

“Your sister?” Natasha questions. “Do you think that’s best?”

“Natasha, the girls have been around my sister from the day we brought them home,” You sigh. You pour yourself a cup of coffee, fixing it to your liking, before taking a small sip. Despite you feeling slightly threatened by her yesterday, you’re a tiny bit more optimistic today. She stepped foot outside of her room so you’re choosing to take that as a good sign. “If you don’t think it’s safe you’re more than welcome to come. Everyone lives about an hour away at the compound.”

“I think I will,” Natasha nods.

This should be fun.

----> next part

[other-shades-of-sapphire]

Close – Han

Jisung x coffee shop stranger Sara, circa March 2020

The fact that three of his hyungs were seeing someone from their pasts only made Jisung more determined to find someone new instead. And find someone new, he did.

Jisung squinted at the printed-out lyrics in front of him. Sorry, I Love You, the title read. "You wrote this?" 

Without bothering to look up from his phone, Changbin hummed his affirmation. 

"And this is based on a personal experience?" 

"Yup." 

Jisung let out a loud, exaggerated sigh. "First Channie hyung finally made it official with his best friend, then Lee Minho asked out that high school friend of his. Now you're also joining the old-friends-to-lovers trope? We really need to find new people in our lives and be more creative, guys." 

"I need to find new people," Changbin corrected. "Those two hyung's old-friends-to-lovers work out just fine for them, so they don't need new people. You, on the other hand," he added after a second, "need to find new people too, because I'm not sure anyone from your past would want to get involved with you. Since, you know, unlike the hyungs and I, you were a menace in the past. You definitely need some new people who haven't witnessed your menace form." 

"You – " Jisung stopped mid-sentence to charge at Changbin with his bare hands and a steady stream of curses, to which Changbin laughed as he tried to dodge. Then, realizing he was just further confirming Changbin's previous statement of him allegedly being a menace, Jisung peeled himself off his hyung and straightened up. "I'm gonna go get some coffee." 

"Chan hyung's gonna be here soon," Changbin called out just before Jisung closed the studio's door behind him. 

The JYPE building had lots of coffee machines everywhere – hallways, studios, practice rooms – but Jisung personally preferred the one being served on one coffee shop on the ground floor of the building. It tasted so much better than the mediocre ones they served on those machines that it made the whole hassle of going downstairs and through security worth it. 

What was not worth it, though, was running into someone and spilling his freshly-brewed, precious coffee all over their clothes. 

After letting out just one singular word of curse, Jisung immediately switched to apologizing profusely. "I'm so sorry, my bad, I didn't see – " 

"You clearly didn't," the person he ran into – a noona, judging from her office attire and her general appearance – deadpanned in a cold tone. "Now I have your piccolo all over my suit." 

Jisung froze for three different reasons. The first and second one being her cold words and her equally cold tone, which were in ultimate contrast to the hot liquid almost burning his hands. The third reason was that despite the harsh coldness, she somehow knew his coffee order. 

"And I have a board meeting in less than fifteen," she continued, icy tone not wavering even for the slightest bit. "Just great." 

"I'm so sorry," Jisung tried again. "I will pay for your laundry – " 

"As you should." The words rolled off her tongue in a degree of ease that could only come from habit, telling Jisung she was more than used to cutting off other people mid-sentence. She clicked her purse open, pulled out an expensively-designed card, and all but shoved it into Jisung's coffee-stained hand. "My card. Contact me to pick up this ruined suit by end of today." 

Again, the imperative sounded so well-practiced he just knew she must be someone who gave out orders all the time – and not too kindly at that, too. "Your board meeting – " 

"I will attend with a spare suit I keep in my car." 

Jisung nearly scoffed in disbelief. If she had a spare, then why was she being so mean? He almost rolled his eyes and ran his mouth before suddenly remembered Changbin's remark of him allegedly being a menace, so he held his eyes and tongue. "Yes, ma'am." 

Despite looking only a year or two older than him, she didn't object to the "ma'am", confirming Jisung's suspicion of her being a lady in power. She met his eyes for the first time since the entire mishap started, and Jisung was met by his fourth surprise: for someone sounding so cold and bossy and borderline mean, those black eyes were entirely too warm. "Good to know that Stray Kids' Han Jisung at least seems like a pretty decent guy." 

As the noona left with neither a glance nor another word, let alone a smile, Jisung was struck by his fifth and by far biggest surprise: she knew him? It turned Jisung's world upside down a little, turning his previous disapprovals towards the noona into a burning curiosity. He looked down to the card in his hand. Park Sara, Sr. Associate. 

Suddenly looking forward to the once-dreadful prospect of picking up Park Sara, Sr. Associate's suit later today, Jisung made his way back to the studio. He didn't even remember to get a new cup of coffee to replace his spilled one. 

Changbin squinted at the lyrics Jisung had typed hurriedly on the computer. "And this is based on your experience at the coffee shop earlier?" 

"Yes," Jisung said, excited. "You can say I am intrigued. She intrigues me." 

Beside Changbin, Chris' eyes were also narrowed at the screen displaying Jisung's hastily-put draft of a song. "Didn't you say you ran into this person and spilled coffee all over her suit? How did that translate into 'I approached you without fear'?" 

"And where did 'Is it rude to ask too may questions' come from?" Changbin added. "It sounded like you barely said three words to her." 

Jisung huffed. "Romanticization is important, guys. Besides, running into her and spilling coffee all over sounds too drama-level cliché." 

Chris shook his head. "Whatever helps you sleep at night, then." 

"Have to admit," Changbin said, "when I say you need to find new people, I didn't expect you to have an entire coffee accident with the first person you run to – literally." 

"Me neither," Jisung shrugged. "But if it means that I get to meet Park Sara, Sr. Associate and then meet her again later today, then I don't mind at all." 

The two older guys traded a knowing look. "I guess we'll see," Chris said with an amused smile. 

coming up next

Find the chronicles of Jisung & Sara and the rest of Stray Kids here!

[jordanstrophe]

Behave: The Laboratory 2/2

[Masterlist]

CW: Whumper turned caretaker, medical whump, living weapon, sickness, angst, hurt/comfort

Whumper managed to get a heater going and boiled tea in an experiment vial. It was a strange way to do it, but it was all they had.

"Try and sip this down." Whumper poured it into a beaker (the closest thing they had to a cup) and handed it to them.

"I'm sorry, I think I'll pass..." Whumpee scrunched their face away, feeling nauseous just looking at it.

"I didn't slip anything in it if that's what you're worried about. I agreed to your terms; no secrets." Whumper coaxed it closer until whumpee took it out of fear of it spilling on them.

"That's great, but I still don't trust anything you hand me." Whumpee gestured.

"Whumpee for goodness sake it's peppermint tea. Drink it, I'm tired of listening to you sniffle. You'll interrupt me." Whumper put their hands on their hips.

With shaking hands, whumpee took a hesitant sip. "Then please, start talking."

Color drained from whumper's face when they realized this was the moment they had to face everything. Their attitude evaporated and they sat in a chair next to whumpee's gurney, folding their hand over their lap.

“Your sickness, it saps your vitals at random. We had never seen anything like it... No one knew how to help you. Our boss believes, if you’re to be stabilized; you could be used as a weapon.”

Whumpee exhaled and immediately curled into themselves. “A weapon..." Hair stood on the back of their neck as dread filled their stomach. "Wouldn't curing me fix it then? Please say it does...” Whumpee rasped.

“I was only to keep it dormmate, not eradicated. Your blood had potential the company was trying to harvest. People would kill for it. People would kill with it.” Whumper tried putting their hand on their knee but whumpee twisted their legs to the side. 

“Then why hasn't it killed me yet?” Whumpee clutched at the hot beaker in their hands hard enough it burned.

"You're the host, it started slow enough you weren't overwhelmed and your body adapted to it. Think of how much damage it would do to someone who never built immunities. Think of how much it's made you suffer. ... Now imagine it all at once- Actually, no, don't do that." Whumper quickly cleared their throat.

Whumpee sighed and closed their eyes, taking another involuntary sip of the tea. It did, somehow, sate some of their nausea.

“Once I had stabilized you, you were to be sent to a different lab to be tested. Your blood would be drained. They would keep you alive, of course. But hardly."

Whumpee took a moment and stared into the distant nothing. Whumper didn’t interrupt them.

"Why not kill me and harvest it all? Why keep me alive for so long?"

"And kill an infinite source of pure poison? They would get so much more from you alive. They would have drained you, slowly. Then allow you to recover and start again."

"Then again."

"And again..."

"-Okay! Okay... I get it, please stop." Whumpee shouted, clutching the bridge of their nose like it would dull their headache. “And that’s what you were after?” Whumpee’s eyes returned to meet theirs in a cold, blank stare. Whumper sighed and their eyes found the floor. 

“It was.”

“It was?” Whumpee raised a brow.

Whumper couldn’t help but feel like it was an accusation as they stood and started pacing. “Look I- ... It was- ... They promised me you weren't going to be killed! But the more I heard whispers about what was going to happen to you I- ... I couldn’t let them take you away. The doctor was a taste of how you would have been treated. I guess you could say I found it erm- Unethical.” They huffed like a confession.

Whumpee let out a shaken breath they didn’t realize they were holding. They sank further into the gurney and laid their head back. 

“Terrified of you as I may be, you did save my life." Whumpee mumbled. They didn't elaborate, but whumper could feel it an olive branch being extended with a glove and a long claw arm.

"So what happens now?”

Whumper brought their hand to whumpee’s forehead and felt heat. They sighed and began rooting through their bag. “Now, I keep you safe. We’ll figure it out as we go, but my goal is still the same: To cure you.”

“Can I go home?” Whumpee asked. 

“You want your family and friends caught up in this mess?” Whumper handed them a handful of pills. “No one is safe, especially your side of the coin. You’re being hunted. We both are... Anyone we contact is a target. Take this, it’ll bring your fever down.” 

They waited for whumpee to swallow the pills down before continuing. They seemed to struggle at swallowing, weakened to almost a mindless state. 

“You were only out for a few hours, you should rest. We have a lot to do in the morning. I have equipment to repair.” Whumper took the bottle from whumpee before they dropped it and started heading for their kit. 

“Wait.” Whumpee grabbed whumper’s wrist before they were out of reach.   “I can only guess the sacrifice you paid to get me out of there... So thank you.” Whumpee managed a small smile. It wasn't forced, just tired.

Whumper seemed to be at a loss of words; they didn't realize they were still staring wide-eyed at them for too long before quickly looking away.

“It was nothing. Not as much as you might think.” They shrugged, pulling away. Whumpee decided to not pry on their answer and closed their eyes, falling asleep almost immediately.

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