#our finances go up and down so much it's insane

[poisonandpages]

We got good news in the sense that my sister has been awarded a disability payment - after 7 nos from the british system she got a yes from the exclusively scottish one. Sadly we've had to spend most of it on rent and essentials like basic groceries so we're kind of back to square one but holy shit. Little miracles.

[moonshynecybin]

I find Marc covered up fully underneath his leathers, upto his neck & wrists, so fascinating when we have the others in half sleeves, mesh or nothing. I can't remember if he always was that way or changed midway, if there was a particular reason? If Alex does the same? It just gives regency era eldest spinster daughter hair tied up tight covered up to the neck waiting for the highest titled rake to come show her the pleasures waiting for her.

marc would be SOOOO good at the kate sharma of it all. like bridgerton season two is in many ways rosquez 2 me. marc WOULD deny himself love and marriage if he convinced himself it would protect alex and vale WOULLD close himself off from love for fear of losing anyone he loved ever again after the untimely death of his [dont worry about it] from a bee sting. perfect set up for vale to decide to court marc's much more agreeable and younger (NOT A SPINSTERRRR) brother who because he needs someone to secure the family's future with and alex is one of the most eligible and educated bachelors on the market. and he knows he will never fall in love with him. whereas marc is known for going on crazy person horse rides (how he first meets vale) and pissing people off. and ALEX is locked in this fun codependency thing with marc, where marc sacrificed so much to get him there from spain and its the only way they can like. still live in the same household because the marquez finances are a lil shaky for regency reasons (alex it should be noted will fall for vale's ward franky SO fast and they shall have their own tortured by familial obligation repressed regency drama please trust this. it WOULD involve alex saving franky from bandits. again trust.)

so anyways vale commits to courting the idea of alex. butttt marc and vale. kind of hit it off. chemistry! goofballs ! a game of crochet that legitimately turns a little dangerous (marc is. cheating the whole time lmao. vale is ALSO cheating he is kicking balls into the bushes and. possibly. checking out marc's ass when he bends over to fetch them. victimless crime looking never hurt anyone.) truly luca meets marc and is like lovely to meet the man my brother plans to marry :) and alex vale marc are all like. um. hah. about that. EVERYONE can see and marc and vale are down fucking horrendous but are cutting themselves off from love so aggressively its UPSETTING ! vale CANNOT lose anyone he loves and marc will sacrifice EVERYTHING for alex's future so they are locked in horny tension for monthsss. it is. insanely horny close proximity sniffing. it is. dancing at balls probably more than is strictly proper. it is. marc getting pushed into a body of water and having to strip off his paper thin old-timey shirttttt. getting wayyyy too into betting on horse races like they are throwing elbows. alone in various well dressed rooms breathing the same air SO much yearning and holding back because like. they CANT do that to alex (alex. does not want that man lmao).

until finallyyyyy its alex and vale's wedding day and marc feels like hes going to THROW UPPPPPP. worlds saddest little spinster. pale sad brave face on. but he walks in and vale is just. he cant take his fucking eyes off marc. at the alter in a church in his best suit. he cant stop looking at him. and he feels like hes going to cry but he doesnt know why. and alex walks in and looks at the two of them looking like they want to DIE and it clicks. right then. that theyre in love (huge relief off of his shoulders tbh. already sexting franky via horny letter in his mindpalace) like alex KNOWS his brother and he KNOWS the only way get marc to stop doing something self destructive is for alex to tell him he doesnt have to. so he turns away from vale and he takes marc's hands. and he calls of the wedding.

BUT that doesnt resolve our central conceit on vale's end. what do you do when the scariest thing in the world is the person you love dying. and that is a belief that has been informed by person you love dying trauma. well in vale's case you simply have to realize YOU ARE ALREADY IN LOVE... TOO LATE IDIOT. having them and MAYBE losing them is better than never having them and losing them ANYWAYYY. so in this its like. the wedding falls through, alex marries franky so hes fine, and marc gets in a HORSE RIDING ACCIDENT ! and its uh. not looking good. and marc almost DIES and vale wasnt even THERE and he didnt knowwww how vale feels. he never got to be with him :( truly life is fleeting go fuck your twink :( finds out marc is going to be okay and cries for hmm. maybe the first time in ten years? and then they get married :)

[bird-inacage]

Love Sea Episode 9: Lost at Sea before the Finale

Sigh. I had high hopes for this episode, which reached it's apex in the main conflict with Rak's dad (our honorary big bad). But yet again it's at a crucial juncture in the story, where writing and execution have fallen short when it really mattered.

Despite building tension for the past few weeks in service of this moment, it's swiftly deflated with little fuss. I thought the contract-tearing scene would provide a riveting layer of complexity for our characters to navigate. But it's barely a hiccup. The entire pay off we've been hurtling towards just unceremoniously fizzles out.

Here are my observations as to why this episode missed the mark (some of which I hope to dig into when I do a full review of the series).

The 'saviour' plot device. Where a character repeatedly saves the day in service of other characters (regardless of their credentials to do so). This is the role they've boxed Mut in. He swoops in - solves, fixes, pursues, soothes. He's faultless. He's unwavering. He's Rak's hero in shining armour. This isn't fundamentally bad except his capacity is reduced mainly to just that, and the cost is little to no development of his own. I take enormous issue with this because I dearly love Mut. He has great scope for a far more compelling trajectory. We had wonderful insights into his outlook on life in the earlier episodes, which have since taken a noticeable backseat. We are yet to see significant exploration of Mut's struggles, flaws or weaknesses. There appears to be some focus on this in episode 10, but why so little so late?

The women are rendered superfluous. Which isn't helped when we already have a lacklustre GL portrayal. As things go awry - Kwan, Vi and Mook are varying degrees of 'just there'. I would have loved to see the plot utilise the women who know Rak best, to contribute towards bringing Jak down. But the show's priority to aid Mut's heroic efforts, means the women are left with very little to do.

Mut VS Jak. If you compare the two men, Jak is taller and in fairly good shape. Physically, you'd expect more resistance in a fight. When Jak goes down, he barely tries to get up (even when Mut's back is turned). Thus, the outcome of the fight feels unearned, especially if we are to believe this man has violent tendencies that have traumatised his children. (He may not be murderously insane, but still volatile enough to maim his own son). By being so easily overpowered, the takeaway ends up being: 'oh, we needn't have worried'. And this exchange didn't have to be strictly physical either, it could have been psychological. Jak could have taunted Mut like he did in the café, and tried to chip at his resolve. Alternatively, if Rak were the one to overcome his father (in a bid to save Mut), it would show that Rak's love can power through his fear, and he'd gain that lesson through his own agency rather than Mut telling him he should no longer be afraid. (Another symptom of this series is subjugating Rak to a huge degree of passivity).

I'm not sold on Jak's character motivations, based on what we've seen. He's not quite smart or menacing enough to be a calculated sociopath, and he's a shade too conniving for an apathetic loser. If he's as lazy as we've been told, why would he go this far to secure Prin's money, when he's already syphoning finances from Rak and his mother? Couldn't he just sit back and continue to leech with no effort? If his desperation were a result of poor spending, it would at least ground his motive. Or if he's fuelled by the thrill of tormenting his family, we'd need to see mental depravity. Instead, much of Jak's actions feel - dare I say - 'because plot'? (Make your villains more formidable and their eventual downfall will pack more punch).

The few too many plot conveniences. The sillier one being how on earth Rak left the house without anyone noticing? The enormous glass staircase which sits front and centre in an open plan property makes it near impossible to go undetected. Unless he parkoured from his bedroom?

I'm gutted because the show veers towards the more questionable choices at their disposal. The set ups are there. The ideas are there. The parameters are there. It's what they decide to do with them that sadly misfires. This has caused my investment in the story to plummet towards the latter half.

I continue to watch for Fortpeat, and I feel for them because they've worked so hard. There's some lovely acting sprinkled throughout this episode but at this late stage in the series, the plot should be driving things home. Whereas the metaphorical tide keeps moving those goal posts in and out of sight. I hope they can at least round things off on a high note next week.

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for trying to earn some much needed cash by playing what I thought was going to be a harmless prank on a friend?

Hey tumblr! So I’m (31m) part of this close knit friend group, but honestly we think of ourselves more as a social movement. Yeah, I know how that sounds, but it’s honestly cool, trust me. A lot of what we do revolves around this one guy (33m) in our group who’s this insanely good public speaker (I’ll refer to him as “J” from now on). Sometimes J also incorporates these impressive magic tricks, he must’ve trained somewhere, but whenever I ask him he gets on some mystical bullshit or just mentions growing up around a wood shop. Like that makes sense. Whatever. Honestly, he does really get me excited sometimes about what he says, even if some of his eccentricities are a pain.

Another case in point: there doesn’t seem to be a lot of planning going around with the others, especially around money. Somehow, this has resulted in me being the one taking care of our finances (despite another guy literally being a tax accountant 🙄).

So, lately we’ve been pretty low on funds and have done a lot of couch surfing, which is not fucking easy when there’s 13 of us! I guess this has caused some tension, and things really exploded when some overly emotional fan broke a really expensive perfume bottle to make some sentimental statement. I yelled something about how the money gone into the perfume could’ve been better used, and while I know I could’ve read the room better, I was just really fucking pissed about everything.

Well, J responds with just the most condescending fucking shit where he kind of said he was more important than lower income people?? Like wtf??? It was after this that I decided to play a prank on him that would also fix our money problem.

You see, a while back J made some dumb comment threatening to destroy a heritage building in three days, and I guess somehow the authorities found out. He was charged, but no arrests were made since we do so much travelling and it’s not like he’s high on their priorities. However, a reward for information on his whereabouts still stands at 30 pieces of silver, which could mean no more crowded sleeping areas and dinners of stale bread and fish. I figured, I could anonymously call in, he would get arrested and end up with a slap on the wrist. We solve our money problem and he gets knocked down a few pegs. Worst comes to worse, he can always just escape using his skills from his magician shtick. No harm done, right?

First thing that goes wrong was somehow J found out, I still have no idea how. Instead of making a big scene though he just said some passive aggressive shit about it over supper. I just didn’t want to deal with that, so I got up and left. Ended up making the call to the cops that night. They found him hanging out with some of the others by a public park later and arrested him there.

Then everything else went wrong. There was a bunch of bureaucratic fuckery. It looks like J made a bigger splash than I thought, and he got moved from a lower level court to the highest one in our country. For some insane reason they increased his charges and gave him a death sentence?! I still have no idea how all this is fucking legal. Now, J’s on death row and everyone’s blaming me and I’m honestly freaking tf out.

AITA for accidentally getting my friend killed by doing what I thought was going to be a harmless prank?

[th4t1guylol]

EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND LOOK AT THIS FCUKING GO FUND ME

Listen up, Tumblr, I’ve stumbled upon something so wildly absurd and yet so brilliantly concocted that it feels like a fever dream conceived by a scientist who’s had a bit too much caffeine... or perhaps a bit too much Bang Energy.

These audacious dreamers have set up a Go Fund Me page, and their mission? Oh, just to fuel our furry primate pals with Bang Energy and unleash them into the world of finance. Yes, you read that right. They’re calling it the “Monkeynomics Revolution.” I swear I’m not making this up.

The idea is to see what economic marvels (or catastrophes) unfold when monkeys are jazzed up on energy drinks and thrown into a simulated stock market. They're chatting about creating jobs like “Monkey Energy Analyst” and “Primate Productivity Manager” and I can’t decide if this is a stroke of mad genius or just mad madness.

I’m cackling at the thought of a room full of caffeinated monkeys furiously trading stocks while humans in lab coats jot down the economy-altering revelations. And yet... there’s a part of me that desperately wants to see this chaotic experiment unfold.

They’re seeking donations to fund this unhinged venture and honestly, if you’ve ever laid awake at night wondering about the untapped potential of a caffeinated monkey-driven economy (who hasn’t?), this is your call to arms. Or should I say, call to paws?

So if you're as bewildered, amused, and oddly intrigued as I am, hop onto their Go Fund Me page, throw some dollars their way, and let’s help bring this bananas idea to life. Yes, pun absolutely intended.

You know the saying, “In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.” And right now, I’m all in for this delicious lunacy. Check out the campaign, and let’s take a leap (or a swing?) into the absurd together!

[shaanks]

listen, I'm not inherently bothered by the fact that people from other countries don't have a good understanding of our politics or what causes the resulting atrocities they have to see on the news all the time. tbh it makes sense that they don't, bc no matter how much anyone attributes "not having a great grasp of what happens in other places" as a solely American trait, that's actually mostly just how people are.

political systems are complicated. the further away from your language and your country's version a political system is, the less intuitive it becomes to understand, and most people are just trying to survive in this world and don't have time for it. i get that.

what bothers me, really, IS the fact that people pretend this is an inherently American behavior, and that everyone else on the planet tooooooootally gets everyone else's politics at an intuitive level, like. two seconds before spouting the most insanely ignorant, insensitive, nonsensical take physically possible.

so lemme clear some stuff up. not that I'm sure it will matter bc mindlessly dunking on the people that live here for the actions of our genocidal government is what runs the best numbers on tiktok or whatever but like. here we go.

our voting system is complicated, has two separate layers that do not usually agree with each other, and has been stacked basically since the country was founded to purposefully minimize, diffuse, and disenfranchise anyone who isn't part of the ruling class (read: landed white men of a certain income and education, if you wanna go back and look).

there is a popular vote, then there is the electoral college. the popular vote sort of gives an idea of what the country's preferences are between (usually pretty monstrous) candidates, but it's filtered through a ton of weirdly shaped and purposefully obfuscated voting districts, and read based on percentages.

then there is a separate group of voters, called Electors, and those people make up the body of the electoral college. each state gets a certain number of electoral college votes, and the candidate who makes it to 270 of those votes becomes the President. the number each state gets is calculated as 2 votes for their senators and then a number of votes based on their congressional districts. are you following, is this fun?

they watch to see what the percentage of votes is from each congressional district. once it looks like there's a majority, they "call" that state in favor of a candidate, and cast their votes accordingly. (sometimes. there is a phenomenon called 'faithless electors' in which they cast the vote opposing the popular vote, but that's a story for another time.) also, since some states have relatively few congressional districts, and some have tons, certain entire states worth of votes "don't matter," and every election cycle the election basically comes down to the voting behaviors of a few key district-heavy states, called "swing states."

so, irrespective of how intense the support might be one way or the other for certain candidates, unless the votes are coming from a swing state, they mostly just kind of get. written off. they're counted! but very much treated as superfluous.

THEN, we get into the ways that presidential candidates are chosen to begin with. there are actually more than two parties in the US! Several, in fact! but due to the way campaign finance works, only the most well-funded ones end up having any say, and since corporations and their lobbying firms can basically pour money into our political system unchecked, that means that what we get are the Republicans and the Democrats. these two parties use their national conventions (the RNC and the DNC, respectively) to determine who will be the candidate representing them in the race.

usually, if there is an incumbent (a sitting president) eligible for re-election, that person will end up being their party's pick. either way, though, every candidate wanting to run for that RNC/DNC seat has to go through a number of debates and campaigning events to try to get enough traction to be voted for at their conventions.

sounds pretty straight forward, right? the problem is, you have to have money and more money and more money to be able to be competitive. for example, in 2012, it cost Obama and his campaign $2.9 million USD per day to fund his bid for the presidency. between his own money, campaign contributions, and the DNC money, in total, it cost more than $1 billion USD for him to become president.

does that sound like the type of money grassroots orgs have laying around? or that a normal person might be able to drum up? or that someone who is, say, an enemy of corporate America might be able to come up with on their own? probably not, huh.

also, since the majority of the money it takes to run ads, gain traction, and get elected DOES come from corporations, foreign direct investment (which ends up in the soft-money slush fund so it doesn't have to be reported as such), and wealthy private donors, who can shut the cashflow off at any time if they're unsatisfied with the way their candidate behaves, who do you think said candidates are more likely to be loyal to? or to vote or legislate in favor of?

the poor people (and most of the country IS poor, the studies consistently show that most of the US population is 1-2 missed paychecks away from homelessness) who already barely have a half-filtered say in how our government runs and where the power goes? or the people who are pouring hundreds of millions of dollars into superPACs for them to play with?

before you even get to that step tho, remember that the RNC and the DNC are both in this for the money too. they might let an actually popular candidate play on stage for a while (Bernie Sanders is a good example), but anyone who might actually interrupt their stream of income is never getting the nomination.

we, as a collective, aren't picking monsters on purpose. our government and the rich people that own it have spent decades and generations setting up the system so that the only people who get to approach the seats of power are people willing to play the game, who are beholden to the highest bidder, and who don't care what happens to the actual country they're trying to run one way or the other.

gerrymandering is rampant, racism and sexism and corporate greed are the cornerstones of the government, and the only little bit of power we DO have doesn't even actually come from the raw power we hold as a population, but from the fact that the only thing that allows the us government to maintain political and military hegemony is the illusion of moral and ideological purity displayed by being a "democratic" society.

that's why no one has pulled the trigger on true mask-off authoritarianism yet. that's also why ANY attempt to band together and vote in our collective self-interest gets squelched. why do you think these bastards are so fucking scared of labor unions?

but I digress. First and foremost, the majority of the US wants an immediate end to the funding and militarization and support for Israel. Most Americans want a free Palestine, and the genocide to stop. y'all have phones and eyes and since everyone's constantly whining about how much of what happens here they have to see, I'm sure you've seen the protests and the mass mobilization of a hyper-militarized police force against those students, and anyone else who tries to substantively protest and push back against what's happening.

Most Americans want gun control. most Americans want nationalized health care. a good portion of the country wants UBI. most Americans want student debt forgiveness and free/affordable higher education. most Americans want high speed rail and cities that are pedestrian friendly and infrastructure that isn't crumbling and fucking rent control. most Americans want actual livable wages and an end to the necessity for tipping. most Americans want clean water and clean air and food that isn't killing us and a REAL response to climate change. most Americans want an end to the violence against and destruction of marginalized communities. most Americans want reproductive rights, they want access to reproductive care, they WANT all of the things that it appalls y'all that we don't have.

but, like many of the types of people y'all are so keen to make fun of, you've fallen prey to the fallacy that the actions of the government are the same as the will of the governed. that under-educated, sickly, poor people are at fault for the behaviors of global super powers. which is hysterical given how fucking cartoonishly evil and monstrous a ton of other world leaders are, and how easily you're able to distinguish between the actions of those governments and the will of the people involved in those cases.

the literal only thing we have, the only button left to us to press, is voting, and a lot of people don't even want to do that anymore bc of how little it seems to impact. we NEED to. bc if we really truly just roll over and give up the whole world is in for a fucking lot more pain. but it's understandable how people get to feeling that way. the government violently and effectively suppresses votes and protests where they can, and everyone else seems to feel justified in using dead children and homeless people and students who will never climb out of debt and people suffering from addiction who die condemned and in misery and the marginalized remnants of our government's past genocides as punchlines for your "hahahurrrhrurrr fat stupid fatty fat dumb ugly stupid FAT Americans hurrrhahahahaha" jokes.

you don't have to care. that's your business. but it feels like, if you're going to claim ongoing moral and intellectual superiority, maybe you ought to at least try to understand.

hope this helps.

[iwannabeastarstarrockmann]

I was delusional to think this year would be different. TW:SH/ED

why are moms so toxic? i cant remember one birthday in which everything went smoothly ansd i truly felt loved by her. she has always made it clear to me that im not enough, she has sacrificed too much for me, im a waste of space, im a lazy sack of shit and she wished she never had me or my sister.

I just woke up a couple hours ago really excited because she stayed out late last night so I didn't get a chance to talk with her (we were starting to get along weirdly) and my birthday is tomorrow so I wanted to hear what her plans were and instead she yelled at me for not getting up earlier, for not having a job yet, (even though I had to quit my last one because of her and I've been applying for jobs ever since) she said I should stop using being autistic as an excuse because I'm "not really autistic", I'm "completely normal, I'm just a giant asshole"

why would she say that??! and then to make matters worse, a family friend is planning to make me food for tomorrow and so my mom said the least I could do to earn such a gift that I don't deserve, I should go swimming with her in her pool, although I cannot because I recently relapsed heavily and have sh scars all over my arms and legs and I would rather politely decline a swim rather than worrying everyone I know and love. so anyway, I couldn't tell my mom why I couldn't swim so I just said I'm really not feeling up to it and she replied with "okay well then, you're dead to me" and strangely as punishment forbid me from using her shower ever again?? I have a shower, but it's infested with mold, and we didn't find that out until I passed out after a shower, so I think that means I really am dead to her?? ouch!

I'm really sad though, more so because we just bought groceries and now, I may be wasting food because I'm fasting. how can I be a good anorexic though when my fear of wasting food overpowers my fear of gaining?? idk maybe I'll just cook for everyone else on my bday, that is, if I knew anyone to cook for. I also feel bad for not swimming with our friend especially because she is cooking a whole feast for me! something my mother would never be caught dead doing. a lot of my issues with food come from having no structure nor comfort in my household growing up, i went from eating too much to never eating enough. i love it though when i see family friends and they are always telling me that ive gotten too skinny and i need to eat more, and as a result always cook food for me and lecture my mom for not paying attention to me, not that shes obligated to, as im almost 20, but as long as im stuck with her due to finances and just a tad bit of codependency, she should be a little nicer to me right??

am I crazy for thinking that regardless of my age or life situation, when I'm home it should feel like home?? if I were going to college no one would question me for still being here, I'm just trying to save up some money but every time I do, my mom demands to borrow it and then threatens me that she won't pay me back if I don't do this or that for her. did I mention that she always plays the victim too?

she genuinely believes that the world owes her something. she thinks because of her disability, people should bow down to her and cater to her every need! that is so immature! its every man for themselves, if you can't hold yourself accountable, how do you expect your life to improve? doing the same thing over and over with no result gets you nowhere! that's insanity, its naive. I don't want to waste my life catering to her when I spent the first 19 years of my life being the adult and her being the child. I deserved better.

now I just want her to see how terrible of a job she did by rotting away. I don't care anymore, I know that's selfish but I just don't care about anything anymore, I want to starve, I don't want to eat anymore. I know better than to starve myself, but it feels so damn validating when I'm losing weight.

[snugglyporos]

@risingshine they were fed a belief that they would get a big payout and the end of stock capitalism

// Okay, full disclosure, my father was a banker, and he was very successful. Turned him into a monster of a human being in a lot of ways. But he is very smart, and our dinner conversations were about finances and in general I have a better grasp of the nature of markets than most people.

On the other side of my family were business owners. And my grandfather who was born in the depression would tell me 'it doesn't matter what the market does. It goes up and down. Someone is always making money.'

So the core idea, that you're going to give money to companies and that will somehow lead to them being destroyed and you getting rich, is to me like saying you're bankrupting the casino by going to them and losing everything every night. That's not how it works!

One of the reasons that mutual funds are usually a good investment is because they exist to manage risk. Primarily, that's designed to decrease risk and liquidity. Things that are extremely volatile make for bad investments in the same way that using paper as the foundation for your house is a bad idea. The more volatile something is, the most likely it is that you're going to lose your shirt, and investors who are smart know that a safe return that is small is often much better than a large return that is uncertain.

Or, to put it another way, if you make $5, that's still worth more than a theoretical gain of $50 that you then never see.

The other thing is that when it comes to any kind of financial market or property, anything that looks too good to be true, generally is.

For example, I cite Enron as the ultimate example of something that I believe literally anyone should have known was bad. You cannot have huge investments, low debt, and also large capital reserves all at the same time. That can't be done. For example, Disney has huge debt, but they have huge investments and income. You acquire debt when you have investments. You lose debt when you sell those investments. The fact that a company was literally lying, in my opinion, claiming it was all true doesn't make that situation better, because it's an impossible situation. It does not happen.

The only kind of finance, in my opinion, that works on magical, impossible principles, is currency trading, and that is heavily regulated because of it. All other things work on very concrete principles which do not suddenly disappear because new people enter the market.

We're hundreds of years out from the South Sea Bubble and Tulipmania, but people haven't changed.

But to me, someone who was raised by people with finance experience, this kind of thinking is insane to me. It's like someone telling you the world is flat; it's magical thinking predicated on nonsense.

[signalwatch]

Watch Party Watch: Birdemic III - Sea Eagle (2022)

Watched:  02/10/2023

Format:  Amazon Watch Party

Viewing:  First

Director:  James Nguyen

You can't really write about a Birdemic movie as a movie.  You could, I guess.  But what's the point?

A Birdemic film is an experience.  It's there to make you ask an infinite number of questions like: why?  So many "why's?".  So many "what's?".  And "how's?"

Jamie, Steanso and I attended what was one of the very earliest public screenings of the original Birdemic,  It was during a period where I wasn't blogging, so there isn't a record, I guess.  But I do have a record of seeing the sequel.  

That first screening was a profoundly weird experience.  We'll podcast it or something at some point.  But the point is:  Nguyen made the first film completely sincerely as one part sincere romance, one part Hitchcock homage, one part semi-Googled climate catastrophe film.  Nguyen rose to fame during Sundance when he drove to the film festival and drove up and down the main street blasting the sounds of sea gulls out of a mini-van with fake seagulls glued to the outside.  There was a screening in a local bar when curious gawkers finally asked what the hell he was doing.  I'd heard about it, so when the movie was coming to Austin, you bet your ass I went to see it.

It wound up becoming a hipster activity to go and see the movie with Nguyen there for Q&A's.  This went on for a couple of years.  Then, some party gave Nguyen some money to go make a sequel.  This time he indicated he was in on the joke, but I can tell you, from the Q&A - he kind of was not. 

It's been 10 years since that sequel, and I'll be honest - I wondered what James Nguyen was up to.  I have no idea.  But he was not studying up on how one makes a movie.

It's fine.  I watch a healthy number of films, and I'm pretty sure if you have me $30K and said "good luck" you'd get similar, no matter how sincere my efforts.  However, the budget to the sequel is listed at $300K.  

Nguyen did launch an Indiegogo to finance the three-quel, but apparently received about $570.  

This movie picks up some time after the first film, does not acknowledge the second, and lacks Nathalie, who was sort of the fizz in the Topo Chico bottle that was the first movie.  The jump in technology in the ensuing decade should have made shooting something on the cheap far easier, but instead, seems to have given Nguyen all new ways to now know what he's doing.  For the first time, I had to ask:  is this intentional?  But after three minutes of wildly unbalanced shots and I think Dug pointing out he was likely shooting multi-cam via multiple smart phones, the harsh reality of what we were about to see settled in.

You can't really prepare for these movies, because they will find new and exciting ways to confound the viewer while also retaining the insanity of the first two films, which your brain will refuse to hang onto in a meaningful way because dealing with madness is hard.  Both prior films spent a good 1/2 of the movie establishing a romance - no folding it into the A Plot for Nguyen.  But also, we'd receive some environmental awareness messaging to establish the "why?" of the second, thrilling portion of the movie where birds explode into balls of fire after kamikaze dives into hatchbacks.  This movie ups that portion to a full 2/3rds of the runtime, with endless opportunity for our characters (Evan and Kim) to learn all the ways that humans are giving whales and seals cancer.

Evan and Kim are played by two people who I am sure are lovely humans IRL, but may not have received the direction they needed with somewhat limited acting backgrounds.  My assumption is that Nguyen wanted a lot of angles and takes, and if he heard the dialog repeated back to him, good enough. The sun is only up so long, and that's his only lighting source.  Kubrick he is not.

We're still on the "say the dialog exactly as written" tip that gave so much flavor to the first movie, and left every character sounding somewhere between an AI chatbot and Nguyen himself.  If the actors ever knew how to act, walk, or act like normal humans and not NPC's in a 1997 videogame, there's no indication of that here.

Shots exist that are seemingly utterly unmotivated, and they just go on and on. And on.  Driving.  Walking.  Standing there in silence.  Dancing like no one is watching.  Protesting climate change on a weird loop while no one looks on.*

Former Birdemic lead, Rod (played by Alan Bagh) shows up with a new love interest 3/4ths of the way in literally out of nowhere, and he more or less saves the skin of the other actors and the movie.  At this point, he's like "Jesus, another bird attack.  Well, get the hangers."  

Notable is that when Nguyen has an opportunity to say how we could fix the climate crisis, he has an Elon Musk stand-in walk up to the couple (in front of a whale skeleton?) and explain how nanotechnology and space elevators will be what saves us.  which is to say:  (a) Nguyen's messiah is the guy who bought twitter solely to be dickish and spend his time trolling well-meaning dorks and (b) he, himself, has no concept of how to end climate change and did not Google it before writing his script.  

Now, 12 years after the first Birdemic, Nguyen seems to have little to no interest in his female characters.  And he seems perhaps jaded about romance.  But he does still seem to like a good motel room get-away romp.

I can't explain the movie.  I've now watched three of these, and in the world of Tommy Wiseau's, Neil Breens and now countless other auteurs, he still manages to produce a singular type of film.  This one may be smaller and way off balance in the romance/ ecological lecturing/ thriller portion, but that's just one more mystery of the man's oeuvre.  Long may he reign.

*there's no small allegory in that as our actual climate does change and who knows what happens in our seas, the only place you'll find someone passionately discussing this who isn't a small Swedish girl is a Birdemic film where they make it so annoying, you're good with Earth ending

https://ift.tt/CbiKlpH

from The Signal Watch https://ift.tt/uFWnerD

[ocean-anchored]

Dear future self… January 30, 2023

It’s Monday and I missed posting my week of highlights & good things.

Honestly this whole week has been pretty great, exhausting but great. I definitely over booked myself & had plans every single night & up to two to three different plans each day of the weekend & when the weekend came, Saturday I just crashed.

I’m really thankful for the relationship I’m building back up with Steven & Amanda. Finally have the condo stuff organized so meliss can sort he finances to start clearing that off. I met another girl friend this week that we had a great evening & connection. I just keep growing to love Amber. We’re so similar & we literally talk for hours every time we meet up, she really is a gem & im so thankful I found her & that we have such a good connection. I can see her being a longterm friend.

I’ve been growing my relationship back with meliss. That’s really nice. The first few weeks was real iffy & I know Steven got in my head a bit but man it was so healthy last weekend when meliss & I sat down & just aired everything & spoke from our hearts & really we’re able to listen to each other. It was so good.

With that being said, I’ve finally cut off Richardt. The shit he pulled, I think he started realizing that he totally fucked up & really tried to save it but I don’t trust him or anything he says. His words were always way too good & his actions more often than not reflected the opposite. As much as he didn’t want to part ways & he asked if we would be able to speak again after time passed, I don’t see it happening. Honestly I haven’t really thought about him much at all. Like the only times have been when I’ve check my story & see that he’s looked at it. Otherwise on a day to day im not finding myself thinking or reminiscing which I’m thankful for. I thought it would be really hard to do & to get over. Not saying it might not in the future & hit me but so far it’s been good.

Works been okay. This week I felt a little overwhelmed, thought that I wasn’t sure if I should be working both jobs and maybe take a step back. I’m so hung up & I go back & forth so often. It’s so nice having the extra money, helping pay other bills & save so I can enjoy life but the stress of Danny can be a lot. I’m not burnt out though, which is nice & a little surprising. Mostly because Ed doesn’t have insane amounts of work & because he takes a while to get back to me or task me which is nice though because the days I do work home it’s nice to really balance my day & I don’t have much stress.

I always check my time hopper app & look back on my memories from a year ago each day cause I usually find it funny. Today I had reread a lengthy post from 7 years ago writing about a fight travis & I had gotten into. I was mind boggled. I literally had said all the things that I said & felt at the end of our marriage. 1.5 years into our relationship & he was completely lying and saying the exact same things he was just last year. It blows my mind how I saw those red flags but I just loved him too much, was too insecure & so lost that I couldn’t & wouldn’t do anything to change it. I shake my head. Thinking what my life would have been like these last 8 years if I hadn’t continued that relationship. Where would I be today? Who would I have ended up with? Would I have even found my faith back? Would it have been worse, with someone else? Would I have been happier? What would my life be like? I can ask myself all those questions but as tough as it was & such a shame, it’s taught me so much & it really has made me who I am today. It’s pushed me back to God and to my faith. It’s strengthened my relationship with my family. It’s gained confidence in myself & who I am. It’s helped me feel worthy again & to know who I am. It was hell going through but being on this side, I’m not sure if I would have a do over. I don’t like regrets. It really has changed and grown who I am & for the most part, I am pretty happy with who I am & how far I’ve come & where my life is today.

[the-firebird69]

There are a few more things happening the building of the allegiant resort is moving along fast shortly it will be completed and the cranes will be removed and that portion of the movement will come to a close. That would be a huge huge day to see those cranes move out. It is coming up. There's a few things they can do with those crazy and then they don't need them but at the rate of going it could take a couple months if not more it's very slow to they still have not removed all the cranes and thats no way to run a job. As a matter of fact you do not need cranes that are that big. They started wondering why they are doing that and what they're for that's two huge craze when you only need several small ones which could work better and faster and more efficiently. And we looked over there and we couldn't figure it out all the sudden I heard this voice yesterday I think they want to put guns on the roof and keep people out but the big guns. And we checked and couldn't find any evidence of it and we checked to see if they wanted the sense with them or send that a message there's no Tower around here like that or use them as radar so we got something back from someone just now tell us to knock it off. And we heard ourselves thinking, this could be it there might be another reason for these huge cranes to be there other than they don't know how to size cranes for a job. And or wanted to fall on her son or traffic etc. Come to find out later it was to cause an accident, with traffic to try and kidnap our son and the perpetrator is Donald Trump and now would be a good guy because he's fighting Al Capone that is from the same cadre. We put a stop to the nonsense no, but are trying to this asdhole has to go. We tried being reasonable with any times and it doesn't do any good he's going to leave. And the city is trying to shut down that project you're tired of hearing from him and they're tired of the place it looks stupid and it's a poor design. And further the structure has been compromised being they are not passing the building that just created landed on or the ones that would attach to the other buildings because the cranes were deformed and the building moved. There are many people want to take it down one of them is my son because they want to try and give them to stay there even though it isn't that money too cuz it cost too much and Trump wants to drain him down by putting them there and that guy's ridiculous is bothering him Non-Stop and wants to continue to run him around on his bicycle he's insane and needs to be killed doesn't do s*** f***** doesn't do anything for you you're a moron it says that to him it doesn't seem to get it he lost all this companies. Yesterday besides exceller Mattel subsidiaries we fired him from more companies.

*the finalized Kellogg and ousted Trump

*is removed from the board and the executives of the company that makes Swiss Miss but he had to be physically removed because he was sitting yelling and screaming and it's a Giant food Company and it's not Ralston Purina which is a huge food company yes for humans and we did buy that as well and he was not included in the meeting because he had so few shares and was fired from that company as well

*his phone from a large firm that has not been mentioned and it's one that works for universities and runs their finances and he was removed from the board again physically and was taken to the police station and booked in is arrested twice yesterday so far and we're not done yet

Was seen moving around the apartment no it's not seen moving around the outside because a lot of people are threatening him not to shortly they're going to remove him cuz the max hv poured in to apprehend him. Both sides

And that brings us to the next corporate takeover that we did

*and it's Luna foods it's a huge company in Mexico and they said tons of food to the United States for consumption and they rename it several different companies buy from them Kroger, stator, lane and more. He was there and he was physically removed from the board is he was ranting and yelling started kicking things and brought to the police and booked in all in the same day

And yes on top of him going to court and losing and the police taking him away to prison where he wants and he escaped from and no Stan did not let him out, he was in prison for 2 hours and his gang came by. The Max is sick of seeing it so they came down and took them out of Florida. And he is oblivious to the fact they're gone almost all of them are not here in Florida they can see the orders he's trying to issue for Florida and other and they see who he is.

*there's a couple more big ones if you have a Frosty in your foundation you call this company and they slabjack, it's a huge business now and this company uses pressure injected drought and is still in business because the foam was found to collapse. That's worth more to have it lifted with concrete. Trump was in the board of executives, and was tossed out on his ear before we came along and it's only happened in like two other companies and they had the balls to do it since you're not want to use his foam. Our son had John Gallagher use it and he said this place stinks now we have to move, tons of buildings were condemned because they use that stupid foam. John made a bunch of money so in the house and they moved and then said look who it is it's the Idiot. And he was living in it and said this place stinks and thought it was the flooring so he ripped the flooring up and saw the wires inside it was the wires and pull them out put down a regular floor and figure out it's a stupid product so he sold the house and blames of Tile job he took out. Somebody fell for it and sued him and said it wasn't the tile it's a slapjack and it stinks cuz it was rotting this year it dropped and the people sued him for the whole house and they won the lawsuit and the guy said happy when the law said if I didn't have that put in and it it said that he knew about it and I knew it stunk, now that company is gone out of business and this week because it's the wrong stuff it's foam and he is being sued by a lot of people and they know who he is and they know why he did it just to make them sick. And it really makes you sick leaving it's not just a stink it's off gassing. There are people coming out of the woodwork saying my relatives died and I want you dead for this product and he said not to do it he said it doesn't sound right I don't know if a phone that doesn't deteriorate or won't crush or a structural foam. There's a shuttle that blew up on lunch and it was because of piece of foam broke off that was his foam too. The guy is insane person and he's doing things like that to stop people from doing things and needs them to do so I tell me your friend below it was to escape him. And Trump figured it out last night and yesterday and he went after he's going after him pretty hard and Trump is getting wiped out he's going after him at the light cycle facilities it is not doing well but that's what he's doing he has to lost everything else.

*huge concrete pumping company yes along with the concrete companies you lost them all yesterday and we saw him drive by our son and said screw you you're not going to drive another truck the company and we're taking every company that he drives by her son with or tries to use against him and we're taking it now we're sick of this guy he's got to leave I'm pushing by the companies and getting rid of them too the circle back immediately and try stuff when we kill them all. He is a disgusting person and a loser and he is very stupid and we want him out of there Dumb and dumber should be running this a.m. and it should be the portion where they bring the document to Los Angeles and the bank gets robbed before noon and inspires them to take the money from Mexico. You can see the cast of characters walking around and they're coming out as them as they prep for it. About 20 characters were around yesterday including Mac and yeah he's one of the guys that gets shot at the mansion and as security people. Also seeing Emily blunt it's the granddaughter is driving around and it's no longer Ellie she came by and was next door as Gabby petito and was in Denzel Washington's movie about The runaway train. The train came to a halt in Pennsylvania and was reconnected with the caboose and was moved only about 10 miles away to the South and unloaded that's where it was going no but that's what they did with it and they're using the stuff and to make chemical warfare stuff yes and they want to use it on idiots yes and aren't any in Florida but there's a whole bunch in New England. And mean to fire on them to remove them from the area. And that's why it Denzel and the kirk Jr wears trying to save it, and did. They'll probably fire off a whole bunch of them in about 10 minutes and Massachusetts New Hampshire Rhode Island Connecticut will be dead. All of them will die and basically the assholes moved in and a lot of Max evacuated and some didn't make it and perished stuck with them. And Mac says there are some pointed out if they get any bigger they can just walk over and take over and that was before they start attacking them and it's true Tommy F gave them the proverbial middle finger and toast it was huge areas and if Mac had to face those even now he would have lost but they stayed in the city as it burnt and did nothing as more luck to figure it out that people don't want them around that's fine they left that's true people don't want them around. They're heating up the missiles and preparing the countdown he's bristles like half a mile missiles and there's millions of them and it's going to be all of New England except New York and they're fired on Jersey of course I said last and says they should Target that place no matter what. It's full of rats. The missiles are up you're coming down and they are raining poison on everyone there and the poison attacks to humans only and mammals bugs anything that breaths air is dead. We pulled all of animals out that we knew of dogs cats from the zoo and birds and more it took a while a few days they went nuts looking all over the place none of them figured it out and more came in and more and more and feel the whole area up with idiots couldn't even go there started ruining places. We had a field day and we're pulling stuff out and taking data and Intel they have to do anything this way chicken with thier cars and we just moved aside and they're just trying to see what you're doing or something. We used it too it was just sat there watching this and that was it people are weird they tried to swarm in but we stopped them. Blade runner is coming up and they have that seen in Boston. Giant numbers of people want to see why he is saying that about Orion. And her son says it's to try and save himself and that's what it is.

This morning going on now right now missiles are striking New England full of gas to eradicate idiots tons of them about 5 million missiles a state most warlock I'm running outside because I think it's the building and they die instantly. There's a huge number of people watching them die because they hate them and commenting that they're all farting like crazy. As they die and Brad is smiling they exhale a huge fart out there ass each and every one of them. And Miley Cyrus says oh God not that please don't talk about that or publicize it. The truthfully they're all a bunch of gas bags and they fart all the time. Because of mal digestion and other things and most of it's due to Trump. And we're hitting him too here in Florida they're taking out pockets of this a-holes and taking him away shortly by the cops. And the farts are huge some farts last for about 5 minutes as long as we've been talking. And they're having a contest to see who's farting longest is there a different warlock and it seems that bja his clones are in the leed. And it's the 5-minute guy and he died so you stop farting no, it's almost 7 minutes the guy died in 5 minutes and he looks bloated and he is farting like madness it's all coming out of him. These people are monsters and they eat people and they stink and they were using prilosec and risperdal and Trump is the one who administered it and they all have yellow s*** it all sick and angry and mean and said we're like him how did we end up like that you heard Trump and then now they're going after Trump globally. That's why Brad was smiling and they're killing him and his son says finally Jesus. And they're trying to find out where Trump is his people cuz he's going to go after them a lot of people say Australia but no. They found a bunch of areas but they want to know where the headquarters is the sun says it's probably Britain that's what he was born and sleepy hollow so I was going to check there and they don't see it and it says sleepy hollow is New York and Boston area and that's what's getting hit right now and they don't see him there so it's probably sending the missiles there huh. So the checking that and he just hit them and his Virginia and they're going to take it over after a good rain. And they are under attack and they were before and people didn't say it that way but that's what it is it's the same guy and there's a ton of them in Virginia but they're getting their asses handed to them and right now.

Light cycle facilities are under siege and in moments Trump will be out of people out there no more people and no more coming across the border cuz the border is shut down. And the max are becoming horrified because they're going to be trapped here with clones and a giant blockade and without ships because idiots ruined it. They're a giant Stone chips that have to come out and the max are competing over those really badly mildly and they're applying tons of power to it and hitting the clothes what's going on tonight and also Trump and Cork are hitting clones even though they cleaned out the Mohawk out of Florida all over the nation Clark is going after the clothes as is Trump was for stuff. Pretty soon there won't be any cork or Trump here and the story is repeating all over the world is there areas were being pilferred down there being raided by everyone. The story is coming to a close and then fairly soon and Denzel Washington and Kirk Jr are trumpsters. A lot of people are surprised.

The max for picking up the pace and they have ships and they are protecting them they're eliminated warlock very fast and they're doing it faster now and we'll have control of their own chips at least. Tommy f is moving in on several areas south Florida the whole thing and he's engaging and Mac is engaging with a large army and toasted them it's a war here and they're both here and numbers and are attacking each other. The Mohawk heard about it and decided to send troops and they're trying to get in through each blockade and fail and trying to go out the land route from South America and we're getting slaughtered and reach Panama and it's over. Huge droves of them I'm coming from California and they're being hit way out there soon there won't be any more luck in the United States.

There's other news as giant ships are moving towards Earth and we're telling them not to move too close or we will fire. Once you've had to be destroyed thus far and it was a 100 and we will destroy more if necessary. Mars is defending itself and has taken down probably half the stoneship fleet, which is fairly pitiful. There's more going on the ships of Tommy f are trying to get to Earth and start a war with foreigners and said you can't just do that. And they are engaging the Black ships and the stone ships and it's a massive war, some rebel ships are engaging the empire ships which are hiding and they are hitting them dramatically thousands of whack and the empire fleet is about 300 million so take a lot more than that it's a start. Not too many more things happening but they're really are the movie Dumb and dumber is coming to a close this morning and they're fighting over the money and the documents will leave early this a.m. Pacific time at around 6:00 a.m. and it'll be 9:00 a.m. here. It's still 6 hours away but that will trigger the movie heat and sicario into full bloom. It will be a huge event. For what we understand the resort is going to be torn down for Charlotte county and the state of Florida for structural instability due to the storm and Trump says well lots of start all over and they said yeah that's right and it started whining they heard this we don't want your kind here either they don't take it some people pushing their way and making stupid things and making stupid things happen so we're telling you to get out. Is this trumpsters erupted it was today I said you can't tear it down and they can't just tell us to leave that whole Wing over there is independent of this way and survived. And they said it structurally not sound and you fudge the tests they have proof because it's a car samples it was our people who decided to see. And because you're right around saying you're going to put this boy here and do it in with the building so we can get rid of you and that is you in the video with something being demolished with you in it. We have very little patience for you you start all the s*** with us and you're a complete moron and we have to prove it and it's coming up too. And you're forcing the Virginia is gone. I'm ordering teams in here to get this idiot out of here it's still sitting here grinning like a moron

Thor Freya

We went out of this would have to be it's too dangerous for my husband

Hera

We went out of this and we have to be too it's too dangerous for anybody and it's a health hazard and is a risk and they're crazy people we're firing on them shortly and I'm going to wipe them out where they are

Olympus

[hecksupremechips]

rymin. discuss.

Depends on the day really. I feel like most the stuff I’ve drawn of them has been angsty and I like that but I want cute shit too and I’m trying to make more.....it’s just wips though 😭

I think when it comes to the cruel part I always go back to their separation period cuz some shit definitely went down for both of them that we don’t completely see and hnnghhh. It’s where I go insane thinking of Ryan specifically. Like he very clearly isn’t doing good at all, especially performance wise. He gets gigs at retirement homes where his "audience" falls asleep despite the music being loud. He tries just playing in the middle of a party and literally no one pays him attention. I also believe that despite his efforts, Ryan isn’t great at making friends or good impressions. Like idk I can definitely see him trying way too hard but everyone finds him weird or annoying. He can maybe get ppl to stay for a minute but can’t keep it up (ex. his girlfriends). Which made his separation from Min-Gi especially difficult, that’s the only person he thought cared about him, and then it seemingly isn’t true (to Ryan) after battle. He has to live with Min for the first time in his life, and he immediately tries to enter relationships with women to replace the pain left behind by Min (cough gay coding cough). And you just know how he’s trying so despite to make everything work, cuz if he doesn’t it’d mean that he was wrong, his dreams are unrealistic and stupid, and Min might be better off without him. Ryan could find an evil comfort in the idea that Min is just as miserable as he is, and he definitely tries to believe it when he returns because well. It’s fucking true lol. And boy is my man Ryan bottled up he would never say upfront that his solo career went awful because honestly if he did earlier in the season Min would go all bracket mouth smug about it akshjaka

As for the Min-Gi side it’s very uh. It’s far too relatable to me and I don’t like it 😤. I can very much understand why he didn’t wanna just up and leave with Ryan on such short notice with no plan, though I’d probably try to talk about that after singing our funny songs instead of leaving him on stage alone. But where’s the drama in that 🙄 these bitches are mentally ill. Min is then forcing himself to comply to whatever his parents want from him, very much ignoring his painfully strong need to play music with Ryan. There’s no future in music, he must be in FINANCE WITH AN EMPHASIS ON RISK ASSESSMENT. During his intense ass repression (and on the train) he fully believes Ryan is having the time of his life without him, living their dream. He won’t admit it though because he’s again, very repressed and stubborn. But you just know he gets that cassette from Ryan and listens to it 24/7 like "arghhhh....my homosexual desires are back 😤". Okay maybe not but it’s funny to imagine. It’d be pretty damn easy to blame everything on Ryan while acting like he’s in the right for being "smart" and "realistic", and I wouldn’t doubt the possibility that his parents compare the two and remark on how Min ended up so good through all that. And just the feelings of knowing you’re making your parents proud by living someone else’s life is just. OOF. Hits hard. If we go back to gay coding it would be pretty damn likely that part of the Uni Plan was the expectation that Min would meet a girl who he’d date and/or marry. And he plays the role of a straight man despite being desperately gay. So the whole "choosing the gay path despite the fact it won’t make your parents happy" thing is very good I’m always crying about it

This has become increasingly incoherent so that’s the angst shit I feed off of. As for fluff I like when they k-k-kiss 😳

[young-dumb-and-vaccinated]

Cult Girl: Doctorate (Hannibal x Pregnant!Female!Reader) pt. 14

Hannibal reads too much into Max's attempt to reconcile and cult girl revisits her past.

@wisesandwichshark @pearlstiare

Trigger warnings: discussions of death, abandonment, military casualties, emotional abuse

You soon returned to the opera knowing you had nothing to hide. Hannibal selected for you an off-white maternity gown so form-fitting it was practically painted on. He wanted everyone to see that you, his queen, empress and goddess, were carrying his child.

It only took that evening for the whole dynamic to change. Suddenly, you were an expectant new mother. Imogen had been a massive hit, you were planning to go again.

You were affixing your heavy cubic zirconia earrings when you heard a knock at the door. You hesitated, but hurried down the stairs when you saw who it was.

"Max?" You said, upon opening the door. He stood there awkwardly, holding a bouquet of flowers. "Hi?"

"Hey, [F/N]." Max greeted, eyes darting nervously around the porch. "I just came around to apologize in person. I'm sorry I was such a chauvinist prick."

You leaned against the door. "Oh?"

"You were right." He continued. "I don't know what it's like to carry a baby, and, unless something goes very wrong, I never will."

"Let's hope it doesn't come to that." You smiled.

"Anyway, these are for you." He said, handing the bouquet over. "They're chrysanthemums."

"Thank you, Max." You said, accepting the flowers.

"Archie and I-" He scratched the back of his head. "We thought that, maybe, if you'd still have us, that we'd name the baby Chrysanthemum. With your permission, of course."

"Like the picture book?" Your face lit up. "With the little mouse girl?"

Max nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, exactly."

You hugged the bouquet into your chest and considered it again. You looked back at Hannibal, who hadn't looked up from his expectant fathers' website for a second all day. He surrounded himself with books about child psychology, attachment theory, developmental behavior patterns and somehow found himself on a tangent about institutionalized misogyny in medicine.

"I'm sorry, Max." You said, sincerely. "I really do appreciate you coming down here and apologizing, but-"

Max put his hands up and gave you a disarming smile. "I understand. Plans change."

"I just really want to stress that it's not you." You assured him. "I've kind of... really grown to like the idea of being a parent. And I think that was Hannibal's plan all along, too."

"I believe a congratulations is in order, then." His voice turned up in delight. "I'm very happy for you. Both of you."

You clutched the bouquet to your chest. "Thank you."

"Well, I'd better get going." He stepped backwards down the stairs. "I've got three pints of Ben and Jerry's in the backseat and Archie'll have my head if I come home and they've melted."

"Max, wait." You stopped him before he could get down the driveway.

"Hm?"

You leaned against the threshold and smiled warmly. "Don't be a stranger, okay?"

Max returned the smile. "Of course not."

You waved goodbye and shut the door. You hurried to the kitchen to put the flowers in water before you had to go.

"Who was that, love?" Hannibal asked, half-heartedly. He was still very fixated on his research.

"Max Thomas-Park." You answered, unwrapping the flowers from the decorative plastic.

Hannibal looked up from his computer, but left the room silent for you to fill.

"He wanted to make amends." You explained. You walked across the room to the china cabinet and selected a vase big enough to hold the ornate bouquet. "Brought flowers and everything."

"Chrysanthemums?" He asked, sniffing the air.

"I see your sense of smell is coming back." You commented.

"Interesting selection." He narrowed his eyes on the bouquet.

"Well, he said that was what he wanted to name the kid." You offered. "It was a cute pitch, not gonna lie."

Hannibal shut his laptop and examined the bouquet up close. "If he wanted to express regret, he would have done better to bring you blue or purple hyacinths."

"Well, like I said." You made a point to project a little more. "He said he wanted to name his daughter chrysanthemum."

"Mums are given to show sympathy for those in mourning." Hannibal continued, clearly having his own conversation.

"Hannibal-"

"I think your cousin got her hooks in him and he's planning to--" He cut himself off, lest he speak the unthinkable into reality. "That's why he brought mourning flowers."

"Max Thomas-Park is conspiring with Anna to kill our unborn baby?" You said, flatly, to emphasize how insane he sounded.

Hannibal held a bloom between his fingers and looked closely at it. "It's the kind of hint I would leave. For courtesy's sake."

"I think looking at parenting blogs all day has made you a little paranoid." You observed, knowing full well that an overprotective husband and soon-to-be father of your child was not a bad problem to have. Nevertheless, you shut the laptop and touched his cheek. "Come on. We're going to be late for the opera."

You heaved yourself into the passenger's seat of the car, feeling the seat give beneath your heavy frame. Every time you got into the car, you remembered that you needed to shop for a car seat. The thought just as soon left your mind every time. 

“We need to look for a car seat.” You said as Hannibal shut the door, hoping that he’d remember. 

“I mean,” Hannibal blurted out, still lost in his own conversation. “Max is a cultured and well-educated man. He has to know the implications of his flowers.” 

You huffed, dreading to think that paranoid delusion was symptomatic of his parenting style. “Right. The twenty-seven year old data analyst who graduated with a finance MBA from UChicago is also proficient in the outdated and frivolous language of flowers.” 

“In Italy, mums are only given as comfort for loss.” Hannibal said with undeserved conviction. “Exclusively, [F/N].” 

You rolled your eyes and typed something up on your phone. You raised your eyebrows, feeling a bit proud of yourself for what you found. 

“In Korea, y’know, the country that Max’s family is from,” You corrected. “The chrysanthemum is a symbol of friendship.” 

Hannibal tensed up for a moment, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. It was as if he were trying to break himself out of a trance. “...I’m sorry, darling.” 

“I know you’re scared.” You stared at his profile, trying to make out an expression. “I’m also... pretty scared. But you can’t take it out on a guy who has nothing to do with it.” 

“I am scared.” He affirmed, but the way in which he did was a telltale sign that he wasn’t giving you the full story. 

“Of?” You raised your eyebrow. “Finish the sentence, Hannibal.” 

"I need to keep our baby safe." He answered. "And I cannot in good conscience let her come into the world knowing that someone wants to hurt her. To hurt you."

You sighed. "Hannibal, are you seriously still worried about Anna?"

"Don't underestimate the role privilege and entitlement plays in the decision to commit acts of violence." He enunciated carefully. "You of all people should know that."

"Anna has cultivated such a perfect victim image to project outwardly that even a hint of proactive violence would shatter it." You explained. "She's the poor girl who has things done to her. Her evil cousin ruined her marriage. Her evil cousin destroyed her career. And she's the innocent victim in all of it."

"Logically, I know that you can speak on her behavior with more authority than I." Hannibal admitted.

"No shit." You scoffed. "I had to live with her."

"Can we at least entertain the idea that she has something planned?" He pleaded.

"I'm surprised at you." You said. "You never really struck me as the overly-cautious type."

Hannibal shook his head. "With my own life, I'm willing to gamble. But not when it's you. And not when it's Imogen."

You tensed up. His admitted willingness to put himself in danger unlocked a core memory you had buried deep down. The only thing you knew about your own father was that he was willing to put himself in danger. To go overseas and die for fuck-all instead of live for the child he selfishly created then abandoned. He chose to give his life for oil. You didn't choose to grow up without a father and your mother didn't choose to raise a child without a partner. He made that choice for you.

"Now what are you not telling me?" Hannibal broke you out of your trance. "I know that look, [F/N]."

"Nothing." You shook your head. "You should really not plan on dying anytime soon."

"I promise you, I am not going anywhere." His voice softened. "Least of all, to Iraq."

"Okay, you're a pretty good therapist but you never told me you could read minds." You threw your hands up in defeat. "Are you a psychiatrist or are you Loki?"

"As fun as being the god of mischief would be," Hannibal smiled to himself. "I just happen to have a steel-trap memory and an admittedly quite obsessive fixation on the mental health of the mother of my child."

"I swear to god I never told you about him." You denied. "Not even in passing."

"You didn't have to." He assured you. "Beatrice did."

You were surprised for a fraction of a second until the information sat in your head long enough to realize it wasn’t surprising in the slightest. Beatrice took every opportunity she got to brag about her son's sacrifices. She never once mentioned the sacrifices he forced upon you. Only that her son was a hero.

"Did you get the 'don't believe anything [F/N] has to say about my son' speech?" Your voice flattened in complete non-surprise.

"It was a prepared speech?" Hannibal chuckled. "Pity. I thought I was special."

"She gave it to my first boyfriend." You rolled your eyes. "We were, like, fifteen."

"The root of your psychological issues becomes clearer every time we talk about Beatrice." He commented under his breath.

"I know." You conceded.

He pulled into the parking lot, turned the car off and placed his hand over yours.

"Your father was a coward." He said, bluntly. It was nice to hear what had been echoing in the back of your head out loud for once. "I know no country to serve. No god to glorify. I promise, you have the whole of me. My mind, body and soul belongs to you and our child."

You squeezed his hand. "I couldn't ask for anything else."

[writingonsaturn]

Better Unsaid

a/n okay this has been all over the place!! it was originally going to be a blurb and darker and closer to smutty (so keep your eyes out for that??? lol), but then I made it softer and the concept got away from me and it got soooo much longer than expected lmao and i still dont love where it ended so maybe part 2?? i have the idea i just dont know lol 

summary: Reader is a princess and Anakin has been her guard during the most public season for the past two years (not the most logical thing but just go with it lol, it gets explained better in the fic) and after a near death experience the two are conveniently forced into a....

ONE BED TROPE ONE BED TROPE *cough cough* ONE BED TROPE WITH ONE PERSON HAVING TO WAKE UP THE OTHER BC THEYRE HAVING A NIGHTMARE,, :)))))))

  --

His smugness is the only thing about him I can consider ‘ugly’. And because I am so desperate to not have feeling for Anakin, the Jedi who has been assigned to protect me through coronation season (which lasts for most of winter), for the last two coronation seasons, I hold onto my distaste for that side of him. Which is why I suppress my laugh as he waits for my reaction with that confident smile. 

“Come on, that was funny.” 

Rolling my eyes, I let myself sit on my bed. I can’t tell if he’s actually funny or if my evening has been so boring that his sense of humor has started to become appealing to me due to comparison. In short, the suitor I was forced to spend an entire evening with lacked personality so much I’m starting to find Anakin funny.

“You’re much more entertaining than this evening’s suitor.” 

Anakin’s expression shifts slightly, his assured grin dropping slightly. “Another miss?” 

“You have no idea.” I relax slightly, taking a moment to be glad that I completed my father’s request and now I can just enjoy the time I have with Anakin. “I know my father’s desperate to make sure my marriage is useful for our people and that he worries about this selection process because he always thought my mother would be here to help, but sometimes I wish he wouldn’t rush it so much. It feels like all he wants me for is to marry me off in exchange of finance or weaponry or something diplomatic.” 

“You’re more than that.” His response is so soft I think I might have missed it if I needed it less. I curse myself for feeling so validated by him. His words shouldn’t mean anything to me. After all, he could easily just be saying that because agreeing with my father will just make me more unpleasant to be around. 

I smile politely while avoiding his eyes. I keep my hands on either side of me, fighting the urge to fidget. “Thank you, Anakin.” My words sound weak in my own ears, so I’m sure he notices my shift in mood. “I’m tired today, I think I’m going to go to bed early.” Normally, I’d be able to shrug off these kinds of things, but the beginning of Coronation Season makes me irritable. The anniversary of my mother’s death hits me harder each year. 

“Y/n.” My name comes out so velvety I can’t find it in myself to interrupt him. “You are more than someone meant to be used as some kind of royal currency, and I mean that as more than just a...friend.” 

I let his last word linger. We’ve tried so many titles that never seem to fit right. He’s the chosen one, one of the most powerful Jedi to exist, and the Jedi assigned to protect me each Coronation Season because that’s when my mother was assassinated. He’s my guard, but we’ve spent too many nights laughing together and talking about everything and anything. And I guess now he’s my friend, even though sometimes when he looks at me in a certain way or sits too close to me or reaches for my hand to guide me somewhere I can’t breathe right. 

“Anakin, you know I love when you’re here, even though sometimes you drive me insane. And I appreciate your kindness, but your words can’t change the truth. That’s how my father sees me and he’s not exactly wrong. I’m not a son, I haven’t been raised to lead an army or lead much, and--” 

“I’ve seen you in meeting after meeting, convention after convention. I’ve witnessed the way you handle real problems and I know how you care about your people. You’d make a great leader, you don’t need a husband to be valuable.” 

My chest swells, feelings I never let myself think about mixing with thoughts of Anakin that I’ve spent so long trying to avoid. “That settles it, you’re my favorite person.” 

He grins, the look warm enough to melt the odd lump in my throat. I fight down a smile as he steps forward. “And I wasn’t before?” 

“I take it back--your head’s big enough without the additional praise.” 

Rolling my eyes, I lean back slightly in order to recreate the distance he so easily destroyed. “And I thought you had finally warmed up to me, princess.” 

The use of my title makes me skeptical. The last time Anakin used it was when he was trying to ease me so that I’d walk around the palace garden so he had an excuse to do the same. It was beyond late and I was half asleep, but he had os much energy he was desperate and just needed to do one more thing. I felt bad that his schedule revolved so heavily around mine (and when he softens his eyes and says please, I’m left incapable of saying the word ‘no’) so I agreed. 

“What do you want?” 

Anakin dramatically clutches a hand over his heart. He throws his head back slightly as if he’s just taken a fatal blow. “When did you turn so cynical? I’ve been back for three days and I’m starting to believe you’re a different person now.” 

Yeah...he’s definitely getting ready to ask for something that’s more trouble than it’s worth. Then again, everything with him seems to be worth it in some capacity. Even if it’s just that one smile he gets when he’s truly content and doesn’t think anyone’s looking. 

“Mhm,” I mumble, still fighting a grin, “so you’re not going to ask me anything?” 

His lips part slightly as he exhales. I watch the way his eyes narrow at my victorious expression. “I don’t have anything to ask of you, but I do have a small request. A request so small you won’t have to do anything but say yes.”

Suspicious. Too easy. “You’re unbelievable.” 

“You just said I was your favorite person. Remember that.” 

I’m too tired for his coyness. I’d rather him make his ridiculous request now so that I can be in bed within the hour. Though I can’t pretend I don’t normally feel better after letting him drag me along on whatever ‘adventure’ he just needed to complete while also not letting me out of his sight. I used to tell him that I wouldn’t tell anyone if I wasn’t under supervision for an hour or two a day, but he dismissed the idea immediately. That’s been the cornerstone of everything. 

“What is it?” 

He sighs once, tilting his head slightly. The way his eyes soften tells me he’s already won at least half the battle. “They still haven’t caught the attempted--” Anakin pauses, something behind his eyes darkening. I know what he’s remembering. Last night, an assassin had gotten closer than they ever had. I had almost been shot in the garden, Anakin had barely pushed me to the ground in time. A fact he’s been beating himself up for since, especially considering that no one has been able to find my attempted killer yet. “They were so close to you. They were within palace limits and they disappeared like they never existed. Who’s to say they don’t work here and are waiting for the next moment you’re exposed? Who’s to say they aren’t here tonight, waiting for me to retire for the night?” 

I didn’t realize how my near death experience had been so personal to him. He, like everyone else, was beyond frantic after it happened. But my father put an end to verbal worry before it could truly begin. He said the best thing we could do was act like everything was fine as the assailant was searched for. Anakin hadn’t been particularly cheery after my father instructed the guards to focus their search on known enemies instead of prioritizing venting the staff closest to me. I comforted him as best as I could, but he didn’t feel like speaking about it and I had to worry about the suitor meeting my father wouldn’t let me cancel. 

“Anakin, you’re right next door to me.” I have to fight the urge to reach for him. “I was fine because of you, and I will be fine because of you.” 

He sighs once, his expression not easing. “And if the person is silent? The attacker could easily work in the palace, but no one wanted to direct the search inwards.” His words are more strained than I’ve ever heard them be. “I think it’d be smart for me to stay in here. I know you’ve refused having a guard stay in your room or outside your door, but...” Anakin sighs. “Your safety would be more assured.” 

Him staying in my room? The only line I’ve ever been allowed to draw, and I’m actually considering letting that go. If he seemed even slightly less sad, I wouldn’t even consider it. It’s not a good idea. I’m already too attached to him. “Anakin--” 

“I’d feel more assured.” 

Damn him. Stupid, extremely sweet Anakin who makes saying no to him impossible. I stretch my arm forward, letting my hand squeezes his forearm gently. “There’s no reason to not feel assured.” He doesn’t ease, the cloudiness behind his eyes remains stubborn. “You’re still worried.” No reaction, the haze that’s taken him isn’t letting go. “Fine--but tell no one or my father is going to take to posting guards at my door every night.” 

...I guess there are worse ways to spend a night. Which is kind of a problem since I’m trying to...enjoy Anakin less. Ugh, I even sound dumb in my head. “I promise, princess.” 

Ugh, he’s adorable. “You’re intolerable.” I stand from he foot of my bed and pull back the covers on my bed. He doesn’t reply, something dark still playing for him. I watch him move to face the door. Wait--is he doing what I think he’s doing? “No, you’re not going to stand there all night. You need sleep.” He has the audacity to give me an annoyed look. “I already didn’t want to do this so now you have to listen to my conditions.” 

He raises an eyebrow, his lips pressing together oddly. He’s trying to gauge something from my expression, perhaps he’s looking for buttons to press to get his way. I guess I look as stubborn as I feel because instead of arguing he just sits on the floor. What? I watch him cautiously, trying to figure out if this is some weird argument trick. 

“What are you doing?” 

“What you asked.”

And just like that I’ve put myself in a position that I will no doubt regret terribly the second common sense returns to me. There’s no way to deny that Anakin and I are closer than we probably should be. We’ve felt like friends first since the day we first met. I can’t think of any reason to not offer to let him sleep in my bed except those stupid budding feelings I refuse to label. 

It’s not like I actually like him. I can’t--I’m going to be married to some nobleman and he’s prohibited from ever forming attachments. I’m not even sure if we’re allowed to be friends. Having actual feelings for him would be so, so pointless. It would just lead to heartache and the ruining of the one genuine relationship I have. I’m just a tiny bit confused right now because he’s objectively really attractive and he’s always there for me. Always there to make a joke after a particularly rough meeting. Always there to offer me a supportive smile. Always there to humble me when I teeter on acting like my father. 

Anyone’s heart would flutter at that, so it doesn’t mean anything. And if it does, I need to squash any budding feelings now before I mess things up. Which is why I should keep him at arm’s length until I get it together. But is that fair to him? And what if doing that is making things worse? What if it’s just reinforcing the idea of having feelings? 

This is ridiculous. I’m going to get over this if it kills me. It’s just a bed and it’s only sleeping. I’m meant to be able to lead an entire union and I can’t sleep next to someone and act normal?” “You don’t have to sleep on the floor.” 

The second the words leave my mouth I regret it all. What’s wrong with me? Did I seriously think I’d be okay?

I hear his soft exhale, “I’ll be fine. I’ve slept in worse places than on your marble floor.” 

His voice sounds so weighted I can’t help but feel bad for not noticing that he’s still bothered. Whether he’s upset about his near miss or the fact that my father didn’t take his advice, I don’t know. But something’s wrong. The easy thing to do would be to just let him sleep it off. The smart thing to do would be to leave him alone until tomorrow. 

I think of all the times that I’ve been upset and Anakin had refused to let me go to sleep angry or sad or overwhelmed. “I know, but it’s really not a big deal. It’s not like we don’t know each other. I mean, last Coronation Season you buttoned me into more gowns than my handmaid. And I owe you for saving me from one of the worst suitors I’ve ever had.” 

“I’m starting to think we need to develop some kind of signal.” 

The tiny bit of lightness that’s returned to his voice makes all of my internal struggle feel worth it. “You always seem to know.” 

“That’s because when you’re reaching your limit, that one line appears between your eyebrows.”

I didn’t realize I had such a tell. I try to remember the way that the suitor drawled on and on about how amazing he was and how he couldn’t wait for the day he had a bride to bear his children and plan (tedious) social events. My hand moves to my forehead, trying to feel the crease Anakin mentioned. Can everyone tell when I’m growing tired? Am I that transparent? 

Anakin’s slight laugh steals my attention. He’s facing me again, his elbow holding his head up on the foot of my bed. “What are you doing?” 

“I don’t--I don’t think i get a crease between my eyebrows when I’m irritated.” 

I hear him stand. I don’t realize he’s approaching me until he’s so close I could touch him without even needing. to stretch. “No, when you’re irritated you raise your eyebrows slightly, because that’s when you’re at your most sarcastic.” 

“Really?” 

The corner of his mouth tugs upwards. “Just like that.” I force myself to keep my expression blank. “When you’re reaching your limit, your eyebrows crease here.” His finger taps the space between my brows so gently I almost don’t realize what he’s doing. “And when you’re trying not to laugh--which is often, because you refuse to admit that I’m funny--you press your lips together in a way that forms a dimple here.” The knuckle of his pointer finger brushes against the bottom of my cheek. 

I bite my tongue to fight the warmth spreading across my face. “I didn’t realize i was so transparent.”

“I can’t always tell what you’re thinking.” 

“I’ll take it.” Maybe if I was less tired, I’d argue a little more. “You know you’re not that difficult to read either.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes, I can tell when you’re just being stubborn for the sake of it. I can see it in your eyes and you’re doing it right now.” 

His expression harshens slightly before softening. “Y/n--” 

“I’m not wrong.” 

He sighs once, stepping back. I watch him pace around my bed before taking a seat on the edge of my other side of the bed. “Are you happy now?” 

“Happy that I won? Absolutely.” 

Anakin halfheartedly glares at me. “Careful, add a crown and a robe that trails down a throne and I’d feel like I was speaking to your father.” 

“Careful, another side comment like that and I’ll ‘accidentally’ kick you off the bed in the middle of the night.” 

“Not if I kick you off the bed first.” 

I trace a thoughtless pattern on the fabric of my bedsheets. “What are you? Twelve?” 

“I’m older than you.” 

“Barely.” I continue the thoughtless pattern tracing as I fight the sleep from my eyes. “Your comebacks are usually more creative than that.” 

He exhales, relaxing slightly as he rests his back against a pillow. “I’m tired, like you claimed to be.” His eyes flutter slightly, a bit of his exhaustion showing. “Go to sleep.” 

I should. I’m too old to think I can put off a tomorrow I don’t want by just staying up. This is stupid. I’m too old to think I can put off the anniversary of my mother’s death by going to bed. She had been taken from us on castle grounds, killed by a revolutionist who viewed my mother as a class traitor. I still remember the way she slumped to the ground, her blood staining the snow beneath her. I remember the way the guards were so busy chasing her killer no one thought to keep me away from the body. 

“Y/n?” 

I scratch the back of my arm in hopes of banishing my thoughts. “Yes?” 

“You’re being quiet.” 

“You said to go to sleep, that tends to be a quiet thing.” 

I can feel his eyes on me. “Since when do you listen to me?” Not trusting myself to actually reply, I only offer him a hum of acknowledgement. “I know you’re not half asleep.” 

Folding my hands on my lap, I avoid his gaze. “It’s tomorrow.” 

I don’t know why I trust him to understand my vague response, but I do. His silence stretches over us like a thin blanket on a cold night. Maybe he doesn’t understand what I’m implying. I can always correct him tomorrow, when my eyelids are no longer as heavy as my heart. The more seconds that pass in total silence, the more I think that maybe he’s fallen asleep. 

I wouldn’t be surprised, Anakin has seemed tired recently, like some additional weight he won’t share with anyone has been thrust onto his shoulders. A small part of me rolls in guilt. I need to be a better friend, just because I’m suddenly a little too aware of him doesn’t mean I can shrug him off and ignore him. 

My hand almost flinches away from the feeling of something surprisingly warm touching my pinky. When I realize that it’s just Anakin and that the contact was probably accidental, I force myself to ease. It’s not like we’ve never touched before, I don’t understand why I’m making it weird. Sitting in my bed in the dark doesn’t change anything. His hand turns slightly, pressing into mine a little more assuredly. Biting my tongue, I turn my hand slightly, exposing my palm. And just like that, our fingers intertwine. 

“She would have been proud of you.” His voice comes out so low I barely register the words. 

The words shouldn’t mean much to me--he never knew my mother and has no way to know what she wanted me to be.--and yet I find comfort in them. I smile, turning my head towards him. “You didn’t even know her.” 

He rolls his eyes slightly, relaxing further before squeezing my hand once. “Who wouldn’t be proud of you? You’re kind and smart and decent to be around when you’re not telling me what to do.” 

My heart swells in my chest so much I’m surprised it doesn’t burst. Could he be cuter? “Yeah...now I’m sure you’re my favorite person.” 

“Now you’re sure?” 

The smugness in his voice has me rolling my eyes. “Don’t make me regret saying that.” 

“Maybe in the morning,” he says easily, “now go to sleep. There’s nothing worse than escorting you from meeting to meeting while you’re tired.” 

“I’m not that bad.” Even in this darkness, I can make out the way he raises an eyebrow. “Shut up--I’m going to sleep, but not because of you.” 

He lets out a slight huff. “You’re impossible.” 

The desire to respond to his comment is not enough for me to win the fight against the weight of my eyelids. The moment my eyes shut, I feel powerless to anything that isn’t sleep. I let myself fall into a weightless sleep, my only tether being the Anakin’s fingers around mine. 

--

A distant noise yanks me from my sleep. I’m too drowsy to do anything but register the sound. I hear another similar...whine? cry? I can’t tell and I’m too asleep to figure it out. I almost fall asleep again, but a third distressed sound keeps me from it. I wipe my eyes lazily with the back of my hand as I try to sit up. 

Squinting, I make out a figure on my bed. It takes me a moment to remember Anakin and how I fell asleep. Our hands are still together and no light is peering through my window so it can’t be that long since I fell asleep. Another disgruntled sound carries itself throughout the room. I shift slightly, leaning over Anakin cautiously. 

Golden brown curls are beginning to stick to his forehead and his eyebrows are drawn together sharply. He’s having a nightmare.  I shift even further forward before cautiously placing a hand on his shoulder before squeezing him gently. 

“Anakin,” I whisper, “it’s not--it’s not real.” His eyebrows draw together even more harshly. I shake him a little more stubbornly. “Anakin, wake up--you’re having a ni--”

 My forearm is grabbed so suddenly I barely register it before I feel my back shoved into my mattress. I blink twice. His dark eyes are frantic and the look on his face is far from the gentle, easygoing expression I’m used to. He’s breathing deeply, his chest rising and falling from above me. I swallow a slight panic and something I don’t understand as I try to keep my eyes on his face and my thoughts away from how close he is. Anakin pries his fingers from my forearm one by one until only his palm is touching me. 

“Y/n, I--” 

“It’s okay.” Honestly, I’m more worried about his uneven breathing than the way he grabbed me. I can’t imagine everything he’s been through or how justified his nightmares are. Anakin moves his hand away from me. I don’t sit up until he’s off of me and sitting with his back against my headboard. “It’s okay--I just--you were having a nightmare and I thought I should wake you.” He doesn’t react. I turn my body further, keeping my back straight. Anakin doesn’t move, and the longer he stays still, the more I feel like I should say something else. “Do you want talk about it? Or do--do you want to talk about something else? Or go to sleep? Or get some water? Or--” The far off look behind his eyes silences me. I scoot forward slightly. “You’re okay, Anakin, I promise.” 

His head turns at that, his eyes searching mine for something I don’t understand. “I thought...” He cuts himself off by swallowing once. 

I shift a little more, trying to find anything normal in his expression. “Thought what?” 

Anakin’s hand is on my arm so quickly I don’t even register his movement. I let his fingers press into my skin. He’s holding onto me like I’m a figment of a dream and he’s beginning to wake up. “I thought I’d failed.” He exhales, the sound heavy. “Failed you and that you’d--I  thought I had lost you.” 

A lump rises in my throat, thick and unmoving. Cautiously, I place my hand over the one still gripping my shoulder like a lifeline. “You didn’t. Nothing happened, it was just a dream.” 

His gaze falls to the ground before he repeats the last of my words. “Just a dream.” There’s a hollowness to his voice I don’t understand. 

I exhale, carefully running my thumb over his knuckles. “Yes.” He doesn’t say anything but his expression hardens again. I let us sit there like that for a long minute. “I promise.” 

“You can’t promise things like that.”

I sigh, unsure of where to go from here. “Bad dreams are only bad dreams.” He doesn’t reply. “I think you should try to get some more sleep.” 

Anakin is unresponsive. I shift back, but before I can transition from almost being on top of him to just sitting next to him, he pulls on my arm to keep in place. “I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.” 

“Nothing’s going to happen to me.” 

“You almost died today, y/n. I was right there and if I had been a second later--” 

“But you weren’t.” He doesn’t ease. “You were there and I was fine. Don’t torment yourself over what could have been. You’ll drive yourself crazy.” 

“If anything ever happened to y--” 

“It’s not going to,” I whisper, ignoring the way his hold on my arm tightens even further, “Especially this time a year when I have a pretty good gau--” 

He tilts his head slightly, eyebrows drawing together and a ghost of a smile on his lips. “Pretty good? Really?” 

“Someone needs to watch your ego, chosen one.” This time when he tries for a smile, the look has some strength behind it. Relief pools in my stomach. “Now get some sleep, tomorrow’s a busy day and when you’re sleepy you’re beyond irritable.”  

Anakin lets me pull away enough to lay down, but he doesn’t follow. Not for a long second. When he does, his movements are impossibly rigid. I watch him out of the corner of my eye as carefully as I can manage. 

“Y/n?” 

I regret turning my head immediately. I didn’t realize how close he was. It would take no effort from me to make our lips meet. Wait--why am I thinking of that? I’m not allowed to think of stuff like that...especially not about him. 

“Yes?”

He lets out a breath before moving his hand. I don’t understand his hesitation until I feel his hand cupping my cheek gently. “What if next time I’m not enough? What if next time I lose you because I’m not strong enough?” 

I never thought my death would be such a personal thing to him. Sure, I knew that we had some kind of bond, some kind of friendship, and that my death would bring sadness. But I never imagined I’d matter enough to him that thoughts of my death would be frightening enough to slip into his subconscious and become a thing of nightmares. 

“You are enough. Nothing is going to happen to me and if it does it’s not going to be because of you.” Anakin’s lips press together in a way that implies serious uncertainty. His thumb brushes across my cheek so unexpectedly I almost ask him what he’s doing. The intensity behind his eyes is enough to burn me. “Was your dream really that bad?” 

He lets out an uncertain breath as his eyebrows draw together. I don’t miss the way his jaw clenches. “It’s more than the dream. I...y/n, princess,” he tacts on, a hint of humor returning to him, “you’re more than a mission to me.” 

The admission is so soft I can’t help but smile. “I know, Anakin, we’re--” 

“You’re more than a friend to me.” I don’t know if my blood freezes in my veins or if my lungs don’t contract when they should or if my heart literally skips a beat, but I know something in me completely stops at his words. “I--” 

“Don’t say it.” I don’t know how I managed to cut him off so sharply and I’m a little disappointed when I do, but it’s the right thing to do. Thought of the code that’s so important to him have clouded half the immense shock and joy swelling in my chest. “What you’re trying to say...I um, I want to say the same.” I try to drop my gaze but he tilts my head up slightly with his hand. “But we shouldn’t, you know that.” 

"You want to us to pretend that nothing’s different? You want me to escort you from meetings with one suitor to the next every Coronation Season until you’re married off?” 

“No, I’m not saying that. The point is that I’m not saying anything.” His eyebrows draw together in uncertainty. “Isn’t it enough for now, for both of us to just know? If we say it...that could mean bad things for you. And I don’t want to be a bad thing for you.” 

“You could never be.”

It’d be so easy to believe him. To believe him and to let him say what I never imagined I’d be able to hear and damn the consequences of tomorrow. “Can we just refrain from verbally saying anything until you’re sure?” 

“I’m sure right now. I’ve been sure since the first time we ever walked in the garden together. The night after the first Coronation Ball I escorted you to.” 

I remember that night well. The way he hadn’t scolded me for needing air or taking off my uncomfortably high heels to walk in the grass. “If you mean it, you won’t say it yet. I refuse to get in the way of what you’re meant for.”

His thumb runs my cheek entirely, stopping at the corner of my mouth. “Are you capable of not disagreeing with me?” 

Rolling my eyes slightly, I place my hand over his. “Probably not.” 

Anakin exhales, his playful irritation clear in the sound. “You’re impossible when you’re tired.” 

“I am not tired.” 

“I can see the sleep in your eyes.” 

“I can see it in yours too.” 

He pauses, eyebrows drawn together cautiously. “I’ll go to sleep if you do.”

He must be more tired than I thought if he’s compromising with me so quickly. “Deal.” 

Neither of us close our eyes for a long second, we just watch each other with wide eyes. It still doesn’t feel like he’s eased, but he’s come back to me so much more than he was earlier. I’ll make sure to check how he’s feeling in the morning. The first morning after we’ve...I don’t know. 

I’m trying really hard not to get excited because anything that’s been not said could be taken back so easily. That’s the point--but it’s hard not to let my heart get ahead of my rationality. I’ll just take the good for what it is for now and tomorrow we can figure out the rest. Even though he’s not allowed to form attachments and my father really wants to marry me off to foreign royalty.

Tomorrow. This can begin to be solved tomorrow. My eyes shut and I let myself roll fully onto my back. The second I’m comfortably settled, I feel Anakin shift against the bed. I’m too tired to open my eyes until I feel a weight placed against my chest. 

I open my eyes on instinct, less surprised than I should be when I see Anakin’s head resting against my chest. Before I can speak, I feel his arm rest against my side. “Anakin,” I breathe, my hand moving to smooth his hair out of his face the way I’ve wanted to for so long. “What did we just talk about?” 

“You said not to say anything,” he mumbles comfortably, “I’m not saying anything.” ...It is kind of the ideal compromise. Especially since I’m too tired to find reason and he feels so warm. “I can feel you overthinking. Go back to smoothing my hair before I have to rise and stand at your door so that your handmaid comes to wake you. Something tells me she’d be glad for the excuse to get rid of me.” 

That might be the most dramatic thing I’ve ever heard him say. Selma is the most patient woman in the palace. “Selma would never report anything involving me, I can’t believe you don’t like her. She’s the sweetest woman I’ve ever met.”  

“She’s the one that doesn’t like me,” he says, “she always watches me like she’s trying to figure out if I’m planning on stealing you away.” 

Too tired to fight my smile, I go back to smoothing his hair out with my fingers. After a moment, he lets out an exhale that relaxes his entire body. “Goodnight, princess.” 

“Goodnight.” The word is barely a mumble as I feel sleep tug against me for the second time tonight. 

It’s strange, but my excitement doesn’t diminish my tiredness, it just makes the prospect of rest feel so much fuller. Safer. Because there’s so much to sort out and grieve but it’s okay, because we have the time and everything feels okay because Anakin is here, right beneath my fingertips. 

[nerdzzone]

-More Hearts Than Mine-

Summary: Raising a child is hard. Raising a child with one of Hollywood’s biggest stars is even harder. And raising a child with one of Hollywood’s biggest stars who you’re not actually in a relationship with is even harder still.

Especially when a global pandemic is sweeping the world.

With lockdowns and stay at home orders looming on the horizon, the uncertainty of their situation becomes almost too much for Whitney Taylor to handle. Chris suggests that they quarantine together to avoid any potential separations but, given what happened the last time they spent more than a few brief moments in each other’s company, that could cause more problems than it solves…

Chris Evans x OFC

Sequel to: Once Bitten - Twice Shy

Note: I’ve decided to make this five parts instead of four. I was originally going to combine this part and the next one, but I feel like it flows better with a bit of separation between them!

Part One

____

Part Two

The rest of our first afternoon together was spent lazing around. Grayson was tired, but continued to refuse his nap so we kept things low key to avoid any exhausted toddler meltdowns. By the time the evening rolled around, I was tired from the stress of the day myself and since I still had to unpack, I went up to my bedroom shortly after we'd tucked Grayson into bed.

I slept a lot better than I thought I would given everything that was on my mind and when I woke up, I could already hear the sounds of breakfast echoing up from the kitchen. Taking a few minutes to let myself wake up properly, I checked my phone and scrolled through social media before getting up, stretching and heading downstairs.

"Good morning," I smiled, finding Chris and Grayson sitting at the island eating some scrambled eggs while Scott leaned against the counter with a cereal bowl in his hands.

"G'morning, Mama!"

Grayson's greeting was said through a mouthful of food and Chris reminded him that wasn't polite before greeting me himself.

"Help yourself to whatever you want," he insisted. "There's some eggs left in the pan or cereal, whatever you can find. Maybe Grayson will even share his apple slices with you if you ask nicely."

Grayson gasped at that suggestion and frantically shook his head.

"No, Daddy!" He protested. "I don't want to share!"

I laughed as he reached over his plate to move the little bowl of sliced fruit closer to his body where he could keep it guarded.

"Not even one slice?" I asked. "But I'm so hungry!"

"Over there!" Grayson giggled, pointing at the counter.

I turned around and saw a few more apples in a bowl, making me smile as I turned back to the boys.

"But they're not nicely sliced like yours," I pointed out. "How can I eat those?"

Grayson shrugged and plucked one of his apples out of his bowl. He looked smug, thinking he'd won, but he was so distracted while he took a bite that he didn't see Chris' hand sneak over until he'd snatched one of the slices and tossed it to me.

"Catch!"

I did as Chris instructed and Grayson's jaw dropped. An indignant huff fell from his lips as he looked between the two of us.

"That's not nice."

Chris laughed, but I bit back a smile and returned his apple.

"You're right, baby," I agreed, kissing the top of your head. "That was mean, but we were just tricking you. You don't have to share your apple."

"Thanks, Mama."

The frown on his face turned back into a grin and I scraped the rest of the eggs that were in the pan on the stove onto a plate before turning back to the boys once I’d pulled a fork from the drawer.

"So, how do you want to work it with things like groceries while I'm here?"

"Just tell me what you want and I'll order it," Chris told me. "They've started doing curbside pick up pretty much everywhere so I was thinking I'd just do that."

"Oh, that's handy, but I meant like money wise. Should I just transfer you my share or do you want to alternate who pays?"

Chris stared at me for a moment as if he was trying to figure out if I was joking before he chuckled.

"I'm not taking any money from you, Whitney."

His voice was firm, but I furrowed my brow in confusion.

"What? Why not? I can't let you pay for everything."

"You're not still working, are you?" Scott asked. "Or is it different since, as a photographer, you're so far away from whoever you're taking pictures of?"

"I'm not working," I admitted. "I think it would be doable if it was, like, family portraits or something like that, but the big photo shoots involve too many people. Everyone cancelled on me last week or delayed my contracts until at least the summer."

"So, don't worry about paying for anything then," Chris shrugged. "It's not like you're going to eat that much, I think I can handle the cost."

He was trying to do a nice thing. He was a very generous person with those that he cared about, but I wasn't going to take advantage of him.

"I have savings, Chris," I insisted. "I'm not completely helpless."

As if sensing a rising tension, Scott put his bowl in the sink and grabbed his coffee mug before turning to Grayson.

"Hey, Gray, let's go see what cartoons we can find."

Grayson nodded eagerly and Chris helped him down from the tall stool so he could follow Scott out of the room, taking his little bowl of apples with him.

"I wasn't trying to imply that you're helpless," Chris assured me once they were out of earshot. "But you're tiny, I don't think that buying you a few groceries for the next couple of months will financially cripple me."

I tried to temper my defensiveness before I answered him, reminding myself again that he was trying to be helpful.

"I know that, but I don't feel comfortable living here for that long without contributing," I told him. "You already give me more than you need to every month for Grayson."

It was true. Since our custody agreement was that Grayson spent fifty percent of his time with each of us, he wasn't required to pay me any child support. But he did anyway. It was something we’d argued about on and off over the years because the amount that he gave me was way over the top. I appreciated his generosity and I did use all the money to buy things for Gray, but most of it ended up in a bank account that I'd opened for him because there was no way to spend it all in one month without Grayson becoming the most spoiled child in all of Massachusetts.

"I like to make sure he's taken care of."

"Which I am capable of doing with my own money when he's in my care," I reminded him. "But I don't want to start that whole conversation again. I just want to feel like I'm doing my part while I stay with you."

"And I appreciate that gesture, but it won't be necessary," Chris insisted. "You can clean, you can cook, do anything like that to help out, but I won't accept any money, especially while you're not working."

I sighed as he stood up to put his plate in the dishwasher while I put mine on the counter, too distracted by our conversation to eat. I knew it would be a struggle to get him to agree to take money from me, but I wasn't ready to back down so I thought of a compromise and hoped he would accept.

"How about we drop it for now," I suggested. "But if this thing goes on for more than a couple of weeks, can we talk about it again?"

Chris paused and crossed his arms. I could tell that he wanted to argue, but I was relieved when he agreed.

"Alright," he nodded, hesitating for a moment before adding a stipulation to the deal. "But we're going to talk about your car too before you leave here."

"My car? What about my car?"

"Grayson told me that it's not working properly," Chris admitted. "He said it sounds angry sometimes and that you haven't gotten it checked out yet."

I rolled my eyes, guessing that was one of those 'secrets' that he mentioned.

"It's fine," I assured him. "It made a weird sound one time last week when I tried to start it, but it's still working. I was going to take it in, but then all this virus stuff happened and I didn't have chance."

"You need a new one," Chris informed me. "That one is getting old anyway. I'll take you car shopping when things reopen."

I laughed at the absurdity of that statement, but I could see the annoyance on his face at my reaction.

"You're not buying me a car, Chris. The one I have is perfectly fine and if it's not then I will take myself car shopping, thank you very much."

"Why do you get so defensive when I try to help you?" He asked, his eyes shifting into a glare. "I'm not going to accidentally think that you're in love with me just because you accept a nice gesture from me. I can take a hint, Whitney, I get it."

My jaw dropped and I couldn't hold back a disgruntled scoff at his insane change of topic.

"What are you even talking about? This has nothing to do with that," I argued. "I wouldn’t have accepted your invitation if I knew you were going to hold that over me and throw it in my face all the time."

“All the time? This is the first time I’ve mentioned it!”

“Yes, but I’ve not even been here for twenty-fours hours and you’ve already brought it up!”

Perhaps it was my harsh, snappy tone that did it or my very valid criticism of his low blow, but Chris' body language softened.

"I just don't get why you get so worked up when I'm trying to help you..."

"Because I don't need help, Chris," I explained. "I might not be Captain America rich, but I do just fine and I can take care of myself. I can buy my own groceries and if I really needed to, I could buy myself a new car. You throwing money at me for things like that makes me feel like you don't value the success I've had in my career or my ability to manage my finances which is, quite frankly, offensive."

Chris dropped his arms so they were no longer crossed and his shoulders relaxed. Clearly, he'd been getting quite defensive as well and had realized it, whether he would admit it or not. I held my head high, proud of myself for explaining my feelings so well and taking him down a notch, but that feeling disappeared as soon as Chris spoke.

"If you were the richest woman in the world, I would still want to buy you a car," Chris started, looking more nervous than the dismissive, self-assured attitude I was getting moments ago. "I'd still want to buy you anything you could ever need because making you happy makes me happy."

My face fell at his confession and my heart clenched again, knowing what the underlying sentiment behind his statement was. It stung more than any hurtful words could have as the sincerity, the genuine care and appreciation, in his voice was heartbreaking. I regretted not adding a condition to our cohabitation that specified he wasn't allowed to say such nice, guilt inducing things as I stared at him for a moment, trying to think of a way to get out of this conversation that was more polite than just bolting out the door. 

Too much time was passing as his words hung between us so, short of any good comeback to his words, I shrugged.

"If you want to make me happy, let me contribute for the groceries."

It was Chris' turn to look shocked now, as he was obviously expecting a more thoughtful response to his rather vulnerable admission, but he pulled himself together quickly and a dry laugh fell from his lips.

"Nice try, Whitney," he smiled, shaking his head. "But that's not going to happen."

Without giving me any more time to argue, he turned on his heels and walked out the door leaving me alone to wallow in my guilt and wonder how much longer I'd be able to keep up my act of nonchalance.

-

There was a weird sense of restlessness in the house that day. Usually, killing a few days at home would be no big deal but, as soon as the stay at home orders came into place that morning, the knowledge that we were now unable to do anything else made it feel slightly more suffocating.

Chris wasn't lying though when he said that he planned to make this lockdown as enjoyable as possible so we managed to keep ourselves entertained as we planned out some of the things we could do. Chris and Scott were compiling a list of old movies they wanted to watch again, I ordered a bunch of puzzles and books (some more child appropriate and some for the adults), Chris dug out an old wiffle ball set he had from when they were kids and Scott organized Chris' video game collection, pulling out all the good ones like their favourite: Mario Kart.

By the end of the day, we were all feeling much more optimistic about how our time at home would go. Especially Grayson. It was finally starting to sink in for him that he got to spend the foreseeable future surrounded by all his favourite people - something that was unfortunately a rarity for him given our situation. He was bouncing off the walls as he threw his ideas into the mix and couldn't wait to get started on all the fun.

The excitement of the day led to another early night for him and I excused myself shortly after, declining the invitation to start practicing my Mario Kart skills.

After our conversation that morning, I was trying to keep a bit of distance from Chris. I wasn't mad and it didn't seem like he had any lasting feelings of annoyance either, but our earlier discussion proved to me that there was still tension and resentment between us. I wanted to let it settle and give him some space so our small disagreement didn't turn into a full-blown argument. Living together after everything we'd been through would be an adjustment period and easing into it would probably be the safest route.

So, I took myself off to my bedroom and lounged in bed watching some new mystery show on Netflix. I started it thinking it would just be a good way to pass a few hours until a reasonable time to go to bed but as usual with Netflix, I got sucked in and before I knew it, it was almost midnight.

I closed my laptop, knowing I needed to get some sleep as Grayson was an early riser, but I noticed the glass of water I'd taken upstairs with me hours ago was empty and my mouth was dry. With a sigh, I dragged myself out of bed, taking the glass to the kitchen to fill it up.

I crept down the stairs, assuming everyone would be in bed already, but I was surprised when I got to the kitchen to see the light on. I poked my head into the room and saw Scott sitting at the little island in the middle of the room, a drink in his hand and a melancholy look on his face.

"Hey," I greeted him, alerting him to my presence. "You're up late..."

"I was just FaceTiming with my boyfriend. He's in LA so it worked with the time difference."

"Boyfriend?" I questioned as I headed over to the sink to fill up my glass. "I didn't know you had a boyfriend."

"It's pretty new," he sighed. "We've only been together about a month now."

"That's so exciting! You didn't want to stay in LA and quarantine with him?"

"No, we thought it was too fresh for us to, like, fully move in together and if I was in LA and not living with him then we wouldn't see each other anyway, so I decided I may as well come here."

"That's really hard," I frowned as I pulled out the chair next to him and sat down. "I'm sorry that you had to make a decision like that."

"It's alright," he shrugged despite the sad look on his face. "A lot of people have had to make much tougher decisions than that lately."

"That doesn't mean you can't be upset anyway."

"I know, but I'll be alright. I'm just glad we've got so many ways to stay in touch." He flashed me a smile and I was glad to see it. Scott was a good guy and one of those people who was usually so positive and upbeat that it was hard to see him feeling down. "What about you? How are you doing with everything?"

"Oh, I don't know," I sighed. "Do you mean the deadly virus plaguing the world? Or the fact that I'm in lockdown with the father of my child who I have a fairly complicated history with?"

"Both," Scott chuckled as he sipped his drink of what looked to be whiskey. "But I was more referring to being here in lockdown with Chris."

"It's hard, but I'm doing okay. It's just a weird situation."

"It'll definitely take some time to get used to for both of you," he nodded. "He felt really bad this morning. He told me what you said about how offensive it is when he throws money at you all the time and I totally agree, but I hope you know his heart was in the right place. He tells everyone how talented you are, he would never want to belittle your career."

"I know," I winced. "I overreacted a little bit."

"No, not at all!" Scott assured me. "He needed to hear it. I've been on the receiving end of it too so I know how you felt, but he doesn't realize how it comes off some times. He's just trying to be generous and help the people he loves."

I nodded and I knew that I should just end the conversation there. Tell him that I understood what Chris' intent was and leave it at that. But my heart overpowered my brain and I found myself opening up before I could stop myself.

"I just don't exactly deserve to be on that list," I reminded him. "And I shouldn't take advantage of any feelings he might have for me after the decision that I made."

"You really do deserve to be on that list," he told me with a smile. "He's really in love with you."

"Love might be a bit extreme," I scoffed. "He's made his feelings clear, I know he cares about me, but it's not love."

"He's not made his feelings clear enough then," Scott countered. "Because he's been head over heels in love with you since pretty much the moment he met you."

My mouth went dry as my brain fought to comprehend that claim while all my instincts were telling me that it wasn't true. Scott wouldn't lie to me, he wasn't that kind of person, but he could be exaggerating especially since he had been drinking. There was an honesty in his eyes though, a look that told me he was telling the truth, but I couldn't accept it, it just didn't make sense.

"That's not true," I argued. "He only ever saw me as a friend until that one night and that night was a mistake."

But Scott was confident in what he'd shared and he shook his head.

"He never saw you as just a friend. You were his endgame from day one."

Perhaps it was a delaying tactic, perhaps it was a nervous response or I was subconsciously trying to buy myself some time to make sense of what he was trying to tell me, but a giggle slipped out at Scott's choice of words.

"Endgame? Is that an Avengers joke?"

"It wasn't intentional," he assured me with a laugh, but he was quick to get us back on topic. "But I mean it. We had a conversation just a few weeks after you met and he was talking about you like you hung the moon. He's been enamoured from the start."

I couldn't wrap my head around it. He was speaking with such confidence, but the words he was saying might as well have been another language. Knowing what I knew about our situation, how things had unfolded between us, how that first night together went down and the aftermath of it, there was no sign that Chris had been in love with me. He cared about me, that much I knew, but to be in love? That didn't add up.

Especially when I'd had those feelings all along as well. Surely, I would have noticed had they been reciprocated.

I'd fallen silent as my brain buzzed, scrambling for any gesture or obvious evidence that I'd missed that might prove Scott's claim, but when he spoke again, I was pulled from my thoughts.

"Do you not feel the same way about him?" He asked. "And there's no judgment here, I can see both sides. I love Chris and I want him to be happy, but I respect what you're trying to do."

I felt my heart rate spike again as my palms grew sweaty in a way that was becoming annoyingly familiar.

I was aware of the importance of this conversation, but I was also aware that I wasn't having it with the right person. If Scott was being honest then Chris must have had his reasons for not sharing the depth of his feelings with me and it felt sneaky and deceitful that I was finding out from someone else. It also felt wrong that the answer to Scott's question was on the tip of my tongue. Chris deserved to know before his brother, but I was tired. Fighting through this mess all by myself was wearing me down and Scott had always been one of those people that compelled you to pour your heart out to him. He was a better listener than most and I needed someone, anyone, to give me some kind of guidance. So the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"I do feel the same," I admitted, my eyes firmly locked on the glass of water on the table in front of me as I worried I'd be too anxious to speak if I looked Scott in the eye. "I love him very much."

"Then why are you so scared to give him a chance?" He questioned. "Just because of Grayson?"

I nodded, but even I was starting to doubt my own motivations.

"We work together so well right now, but if we give it a shot and someone ends up getting hurt then we might not be able to put our feelings aside and keep things peaceful."

"But aren't you hurting each other every day that you spend in love with each other, but not together?" He pointed out. "Yet, you manage to put Grayson first through all that pain."

His words hit me like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over my head.

It was an excellent point.

We were both hurting from being apart, it was clear from how defensive we got over silly little things like we had that morning. I could only imagine how Chris felt, but it was hard for me to be around him all the time and just keep things friendly when in my heart I wanted more. I ached at the sight of him every time I dropped Grayson off or picked him up, but we still managed to be friendly and polite through that.

"How many of those drinks have you had?” I teased earning a laugh from Scott. “They’ve made you too wise.”

"Not enough," he joked. "But it's true, isn't it?"

"It is true, but it's different," I insisted. "If we were together and broke up, that kind of hurt can come with a lot of anger. Right now, we might be sad or disappointed about the situation, but there's no anger."

"Oh, there was anger," Scott informed me, grimacing slightly. "After Christmas, when he came back from dropping Grayson off at your house there was definitely anger. He slammed doors, stormed around the house, got drunk off his ass and ranted about it for hours. I've never seen him that upset over being turned down before."

My heart sank at that news. I knew that he'd been upset, but I didn't think he'd taken it that badly. I thought he was just a bit sulky, but now my guilt intensified.

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked, my voice thick with emotion. "I feel bad enough as it is..."

"Oh, honey, I'm not trying to make you feel bad," Scott assured me, reaching over to rub my back as I forced back the tears that had sprung to my eyes. "But it proves that even if one of you ends up heartbroken, you can still put Grayson first because you just did it."

"I didn't, Chris did," I pointed out after clearing my throat. "If it wasn't up to me, if Chris came to his senses and ditched me for some beautiful actress, then I'm not sure that I could be so forgiving."

"Why would he ditch you?"

As promised, there was no judgment in Scott's voice, just genuine curiosity and I shrugged as I answered.

"Because he could have any woman in America."

"Maybe not any woman, let's not get carried away," Scott smirked, his teasing tone making me smile. "But for such a relationship loving guy, don't you think it's interesting that he hasn't been in a serious relationship in about five years?"

That wasn't something I'd put much thought into, but it wasn't the 'gotcha' moment that it seemed like Scott had hoped it was.

"Not really. He's been busy with work the last few years," I pointed out. "And having a baby with me must have complicated his personal life a bit."

"You complicated his personal life the moment he met you," Scott insisted. "That's my point."

He sounded so sure of himself, but the words he was saying were still hard for me to comprehend. I'd always been so confident in my understanding of our relationship and if I was to believe him, it would shatter everything I thought I knew.

"I just don't see why he wouldn't have mentioned this by now..."

"You know how he gets with his anxiety. He's not always the over confident hotshot that people assume he is," Scott reminded me. "But you'll have to talk to him if you want more information than that."

I let out a sigh as I knew he was right.

"There's a lot that we need to talk about," I admitted. "Thank you for this though, Scott, you've given me a lot to think about."

"Anytime," he smiled. "And I completely respect that you're willing to put Grayson first despite whatever feelings you have. You're a wonderful mom and I would be proud to call you my sister-in-law."

I laughed at his outrageous leap from even considering a relationship straight to marriage and shook my head.

"You need to go to bed, Scott," I instructed. "You've clearly had too much to drink tonight."

"I probably have," he agreed. "But I meant everything that I've said. Think about it, okay?"

I nodded as I slid off the stool I was sitting on, wrapping my arms around him in a quick hug.

"I'm here for you too, you know that right?" I asked as I stepped back. "If you ever want to talk about your situation or vent and complain about the distance, whatever you need, I'm here."

"Thanks, Whitney," he smiled before dragging himself off his stool as well. "Goodnight."

I returned his smile and mumbled a 'goodnight' of my own before heading back to bed with all the new information that Scott had provided echoing around in my head. While it had been a very informative conversation, I wasn't quite sure whether I came away from it with the clarity I was looking for or just more confusion.

-

Part Three

Tags:  @maggotzombie @moonlacebeam @mizzzpink @zaylaugh @flowery-mess @flowerjewels @njrronaldo7​ @hockeychick10

[hshouse]

Hii can you explain it to me I have no idea what it is but i know is similar to bitcoin (which i know almost nothing ugh) and bad environmental impact

Hi bby,

I’d love to! My favorite thing is getting complicated things into plain language.

tldr; imagine I told you to buy money in neopets and keep it there, can you think of a thousand reasons that sounds dumb? (almost) all of them apply to blockchain

Real Money Basics

So how real money works is that you have a value that is backed by the wealth of a government. That means (in very simplified terms) that a piece of paper that says $5 is worth $5. If you’ve ever heard of the 1929 crisis or any developing country that struggles with inflation (which when you constantly need more money to buy the same thing) you have seen what happens when there is loose regulations or the government is sleeping at the wheel. It’s a mess. This is very very very influential stuff that will determine whether we have jobs and food on the table (literally). So the government regulates THE SHIT out of it. You can’t just throw money around and the only entity that can produce money is the government. 

Finance Basics 

Example: I bought a share (a piece of a company) for $1. Tomorrow the NYT publishes a piece on how great the company is and a bunch of people want to buy shares. I’m gonna say hey great guys but who is gonna give me more for this. Oh this dude is willing to give me $51 dollars for it? Sweet here man have it. I just made $50 by doing nothing: paid $1 and sold for $50. Multiply this by a million, it is investing/finance in a nutshell. This has an *insane* potential to be exploited so it is H E A V I L Y regulated and taxed. I’d have to pay taxes on my $50(million) that I made. That means the 50M isn’t reallllly 50M cause I have to pay taxes. 

Back to Blockchain

So the blockchain people are like government sucks let’s do this ourselves so we don’t get taxes and regulations that make me lose money.

Blockchain is a system that operates (mainly) outside of “real money”. It’s its own system of money that the government does not regulate. This is great for libertarians (people that hate the government) but inherently very very bad. So you buy a token (the currency) that is worth let’s say $1 dollar. You can then exchange that token for a good online. In their idealized future you could go to the corner store and use a token to buy gum. We’re not there but there are things you can buy online with it. So far you are following it that it is exactly like dollars but instead of the government regulating, the government is totally outside of it.

Running this operation takes a massive amount of computer power. Think about how a transaction works in real money. You buy something with your credit card. The credit card company then puts a hold on that money (you can’t spend it again) and then charges you a few days later. They can do that because money is backed by the government. They know that the value won’t change significantly even if they charge you in a year. There is so much security for the bank so the system is not super complicated. Not with blockchain. There is no backing this currency. So everything needs to be automatic because it is likely that the value will shift so if I buy token it better show up now on my account. So they need massive computers to do this. (this is why it is environmentally a shitshow)

How do they do this? They (as in the system, not a person) “pay” you to use your computer power. So you can produce money by lending your computer to run this thing (sort of like torrent download if you know what that looks like). This sounds like free money (which, as a general advice, is 100% of the time shady). You produce money at an insanely slow pace because the more people join the more computers there are. This is the carrot: join, make free money.

But for money to work it needs to be finite of course. This is where economics kicks in. The more people there are wanting one thing, the higher the price will be (our old friends supply and demand). So people that have bought tokens want you to buy tokens too so their tokens are worth more in real money. Investing! Remember? Same thing. But here there are zero regulations and zero taxes. This is their goal. But this means that there is also zero safety nets.

If you buy a token for $50 and tomorrow the whole network is shut off for whatever your money is gone. Legit gone. Because WHAT YOU BOUGHT HAS NO INTRINSIC VALUE. It’s a number on a computer. That’s what you gave your hard worked dollars for. 

“But isn’t that what investing is? wtf is a share?” 

If you buy 1 share (realistically millions) of Apple that money is secured by everything Apple owns (the factories, the copyrights, the offices, literally everything) so even if Apple goes bankrupt tomorrow, there is a special court that will sell literally every piece of furniture to buildings that Apple owns and distribute the money. You actually did buy something tangible that can be transferred back into money if the company gets shut down. Realistically though, companies don’t actually go truly bankrupt often.

The price of the share is decided by people who look into Apple to decide its intrinsic value. Investing is based on real stuff, not a thing that does not exist. You are putting your money in a box and hoping you can take it back for more.

The people investing in this know this is a shitshow. They want you, that does not know, to buy tokens. For millions of people to buy tokens. They will then quickly “cash out” (sell their tokens for a lotttt more than they bought) and go back to real money cause that is the only currency with intrinsic value backed by a government that will never fail and they know it. It is the only safe way to have money. It’s investing (which people think it is like a shady way to make money) times a billion.

NFTs are like a token but it is a “product” that you buy and get to say “hey I own this” but unlike a chair or a table anyone else can have the thing. You just have the “real version”. Again no fucking intrinsic value. It is NOT like real art dealing. Having a painting by Pollock that he literally touched and made has intrinsic value. It is ACTUALLY different than a photo of it I print on my computer.

Anyway, hope this makes some sense.