When my dad died, the first thing I did was go shopping for chocolate. I made jokes. The world around me didn't exist. I went into an autopilot to show that it didn't bother me. It couldn't bother me because he was an asshole. Chase's quote repeatedly went over in my mind, one that I wished those around me would understand. One that I had heard when I was a depressed teenager. Never had I been so seen, someone who just got it. It wasn't about the abuse; it was about my dad never being there.
"I don't hate him. I loved him until I figured out it hurts a lot less to just not care. You don't expect him to turn up to your football match? No disappointments. You don't expect a call on your birthday, don't expect to see him for months? No disappointments. You want us to go make up? Sink a few beers together, nice family hug? I've given him enough hugs. He's given me enough disappointments." - Chase (Cursed [1.13])
Before he died, we hadn't spoken in 5 years. Like Chase, I had stopped loving my father. I didn't hate my dad either. There we simply too many disappointments. There was no huge fight, no storming out. There was just silence. And like Chase's father, mine tried the half-arsed attempt to make things right without ever actually apologising.
After he died suddenly, I did not go to the funeral. I had no right to be there, I and others felt. My partner was keen to point out that I shouldn't waste the energy on someone who wasn't there for me. And on the surface, I agreed. Anger was much more productive than the guilt that was simmering beneath the surface. Guilt that wished I could apologise for being the bad child. For being so stubborn and immature, rather than just talking to him. Maybe he would have forgiven me, maybe he would have said he was proud. Maybe there would have been another disappointment.
I write this because a few days ago I read a fic about Chase's reaction to his father's death and it's not sat well with me since. A character that I related to so much, reduced to a cliche breakdown of sobbing instantly and grieving so easily, rather than the nuanced levels of emotions that simmer and burst constantly, emotions that are fought against because neither father nor son deserve them. Emotions that aren't just sadness and loss, but guilt, so much fucking guilt. There's anger at everyone involved, denial because how dare he feel about someone who treated him in such a way, and then confusion, because those feelings are still there and they hurt.
I guess I needed to rant about this. I know everyone grieves differently, I know that this is my experience and I can't dictate how another would mourn, but yeah... I miss my dad, and I hate that I do.
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I feel that some of my besties are going through some hard days right now, so I have some friendly reminder for you all:
you're doing a great job, even if waking up is the 'only thing' you did today (it is enough, trust me!)
you deserve a rest! yes, you that you push yourself to achieve everything you set up for you to do, every day, without a break.
take a deep breath, drink a glass of water, take a look outside and see how the world keeps moving. you're no less for not being working hard right now, the world can wait for you. there's no rush.
it's valid to have better and worse days, and not to be 100% all the time. respect your body, mentally and physically. if you feel like you need to stop, please do.
remember to eat something today. as little as it is, no matter if it's not cooked, listen to your body and keep yourself fed and hydrated.
it's going to get better, but you have to take care of youself first
your favourite fictional characters would be proud of you 💗 (and I am too!)
Now here's a pic of Natasha smiling, byee 💜
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Astrology observations 🌊🐟🌊
Credit: @astroismypassion
🌊 Cancer Sun men (some other Cancer placement can be that as well like Cancer Venus, Cancer Mercury) are I noticed veryy indecisive. But they are masking that indeciveness behind “oh I just haven’t met the right person for me yet”. As partners they tend to get lazy, more controlling with time, but paint a very very almost this ideal picture in the beginning. You might not be able to find anything bad, because they seems so ideal on paper. They could be cheap too. They also dislike paying, prefer to split 50/50, but make sure that they are spending LESS than you, so they still feel taken care of. They pay only what is theirs and if something is shared between both of you, they expect you to take care of it.
🐟 A lot of Taurus Sun people are gym/workout freaks secretly, but can be inconsistent with it, so you might never openly know this about them.
🌊 I find it’s a slight, small and funny difference between Scorpio Moon and Scorpio over the 4th house native. Scorpio Moon is so secretive, private and doesn’t disclose information easily. You might be their best friend, but still don’t know their family situation to the full extent. But with Scorpio over the 4th house I noticed can kind of be oversharers?? It’s harder for them to keep a secret and when they vibe with someone in a nice conversation, they end up overspilling information.
🐟 Your partner can be a mix of your Juno, Jupiter and sign over 1st, 4th and 7th house. 1st house because there could be found people that are so “in your face”, because you were literally meant to meet them in this lifetime, 4th house is people you introduce to your parents, take home and 7th house are people that are similar to you, yet different enough that you feel they complete you and that you can learn from them.
🌊 Your IC sign shows some of the deepest parts of you that have been instilled in you and have been in your family for generations and generations. It is also what you know best, what already comes to you naturally. For example: Aries IC you are unafraid of conflict, you are not scared to be confrontational.
🐟 I noticed Taurus over the 12th house or Taurus Lilith are more prone of wanting to steal something material from you, like a material item, if they feel you hurt them emotionally. Watch out for Taurus Lilith especially, because they feel like they are never abundant enough, I noticed there is something missing when they are around you, like you might start missing your umbrella or something little and mundane.
🌊 I still think about 8th house Synastry that usually both people need to change. So it’s not about pointing fingers that planet person or house person. It’s usually not enough just one doing the changes and the other not, for the connection to run more smoothly.
🐟 I noticed Composite Libra Rising couples really struggle with other people. Usually the only conflict these two have is about other people. You might not even complain about each other, but when there is tension, it is about other people. Like your/their friends, how much time they are spending with certain other people.
🌊 Composite 1st house shows the things you liked about each other in the beginning, but these are the very same things that you resent with time or dislike later on and complain about. For example: Composite Aquarius Rising: you will like that you are still able to be with them and chase your dream goals, you like that you still are able to have your independent life besides them, that they give you enough freedom and personal space. But later you will start noticing that you “drifted apart/didn’t take enough time for each other”.
🐟 Taurus Venus natives really crave a partner that pays for them. But I noticed once they get older, it reverses from what I’ve seen? They are usually the one getting taken advantage of and paying eveything or a lot of the things for their partner.
🌊 Venus in the 8th house in Synastry chart gives energy of “We are not in a partnership, but I also don’t like you trying to date other people”. 😅
🐟 Composite Pisces Mars, Mars at 12 degrees or Composite Mars in the 12th house will really hold you accountable, even when you will be trying sweep thoughts, feelings, conversations, under the rug.😩 Like yes, it is known for sweeping topics under the rug, giving too many chances, forgiving. But you will notice things go wrong or poorly/bad in the connection when you just let it slide. Like the universe won’t allow you to do that, if it’s not genuine. You might not vocalize certain of your genuine thoughts, ideas, feelings for the sake of keeping peace in the connection that one time, but it will blow up in your face later all at once, because the universe won’t let it slide. 😬
🌊 Often when people say “Oh my partner did that for me in the beginning, but they don’t do it anymore now”, I suggest look at your partner’s Venus sign. This is how they behave towards you to attract you. This is “the attractive you” you are usually in the beginning, early stages of getting to know someone or when you are going in for y job interview. For example:
Aries Venus: they will asking YOU firstly jokingly “Are you trying to flirt me?😂”, they can slide this one casually in the conversation.
Taurus Venus: buy you a little gift (but usually great great quality), treat you to a meal out or sharing snacks with you. might also gift you clothing for the very first birthday you have, which is their way of telling you they like you.
Gemini Venus: helps you out a lot (sometimes forces their help onto you😅), pays for drinks, seems like they will help you or be there for you if anything happens every day out of the week.
Cancer Venus: they usually potray themselves as the emotional one and describe people around them are all “so stone cold”, they are more emotionally open in the beginning to lure you in, but later you realize they are quite stoic actually or even nonchalant.
Leo Venus: gives a lot of attention mostly in the beginning. because later they wanna experience being the one that is the center of attention in the relationship.
Virgo Venus: will text you consistently and always make sure that they are there for you, also the one to likely help you out, but with ulterior motives😅
Libra Venus: another one that pays for your meals, they will take you out, wine and dine you, you will feel like they know all the good restaurants.
Scorpio Venus: now, this one is hard. it’s usually in their stares. If it’s there, it’s already in the EYE CONTACT. If you don’t know what I mean by eye contact, then the sparkle is not there. but quite soon, they will have a a little, but manageble jealous episode, when you mention your female/male friends and that is how they reveal themselves that they care about you.
Sagittarius Venus: oh this one will take you places, organize that bike trip, show you a city they know really well and take you around, feed you with their stories and impress you with their many life experiences.
Capricorn Venus: acting too busy, burdened with duties, but actually hanging with their parents in the free time or playing video games. oh gosh, they give such air of being on their own constant strict schedule, that you will feel like they don’t have time for you, so that when they give you their time, you will think it is special.
Aquarius Venus: this one is unique, will likely organize a set up, group situation with a few of their trusted friends with you going for a drink/meal, but it’s a test try, to see how well you would merge in, another type is acting super busy and productive with you, but actually hanging with friends, partying.
Pisces Venus: lure you in by giving you things, items for free or impressing you with their musical talent, sing you a song, make you homemade art, treating you to a nice sweet homebaked treat, they will give the impression of being naive, but that’s quite far for it.
🐟 You might argue less with people how have Saturn on your Ascendant, because you will feel like you need to level up mentally and act more mature when you are around them, so you are likely to avoid petty fights, but only when you are with this person.
🌊 We often watch TV series, films with actors who share the same Moon sign as us. For example: I noticed Sex and the City TV series is very popular among Aquarius and Capricorn Moon people (also Sagittarius Moon to certain extent) and main actresses have these Moon signs too.
🐟 Aquarius Mars people are few of the actors who actually don’t mind being known for THAT one movie/TV series role and don’t try to run away from that image, they instead embrace it. For example: actress Eva Longoria (Aquarius Mars) who still to this day doesn’t mind being asked about her well-known and iconic role as Gaby Solis in TV series Desperate Housewives.
Credit: @astroismypassion
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List of “how about we get comfy and cozy with each other, in more ways than one?” prompts
(Warning: This list is pretty much an overshare in the form of a prompt list, because it is very much based on my personal experiences. A lot of TMI happens.
If that makes you uncomfortable, please don’t read the list. If you’re okay with it, proceed on at your own discretion.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you because… It’s a lot.)
1. “I hope I’m not being too needy.” “Well, I like it when you’re needy. I like it when you’re like this.” (THE FUCKING AUDACITY OF THIS MAN WLEIFLEKWNKLEWFN)
2. Character B groping Character A’s ass while they’re making out.
3. Character A moaning and whimpering into Character B’s ear while rubbing themselves against Character B’s thigh, desperate for release.
4. “I… I want you to touch me,” Character A admits, while staring up at the ceiling, cheeks reddening in an increasing show of embarrassment.
5. “Tell me to stop if it becomes too much, okay?”
6. Character B dry humping Character A; hips thrusting into theirs, picking up with the pace when Character A whimpers in their ear and pulls Character B even closer in response because they don’t want any sort of space left between them; not even a sliver.
7. Character B getting all sweaty and heated while they’re dry humping Character A.
8. Character B taking off their shirt to get more comfortable with Character A, and Character A subtly admiring their physique. (WHEN HE DID THAT?? THE DISRESPECT??? This guy’s gonna ruin me, I know it sjjsjs)
9. “Don’t be too loud,” Character B murmurs softly, planting a tender kiss on Character A’s face while sliding their thigh against Character A’s crotch, taking in the way Character A lets out a strangled sigh at that. (SIRRRR?? THEN DON’T FUCKING DO THIS TO ME?? WTF LWKENFWEK. Mind you, his fam came home after we were alone for an hour or two, so-)
10. Character A and Character B continuously checking in on each other every now and again to make sure they’re comfortable with the way things are going.
11. Character B planting soft kisses all over Character A’s face and their neck, reassuring and sweet while things get very, very heated.
12. “You’re going to make me not want to leave the bed if you keep doing this,” Character A warns in a low moan, as Character B continues to kiss their neck, their body pressing against Character A’s. Character B only chuckles in response, nipping at their skin playfully.
13. Legs tangling together so they can get closer to each other.
14. Character B fondling Character A, enjoying the noises they’re eliciting from Character A; enjoying the way they’re making Character A unravel at the seams, coming undone by their touch so easily.
15. Character A hiding their face into Character B’s shirt because they can’t keep the noises at bay, and hoping to God they’re not being too loud.
16. Character A and Character B’s hands roaming each other’s bodies, almost like they can’t get enough of each other (and they can’t. They can’t get enough of each other is the fucking problem here).
17. Character A desperately humping Character B’s thigh, chasing their high, shameless noises scraping at the back of their throat.
18. Character B’s fingers speeding up in response to the sweet sounds falling out of Character A’s mouth.
19. Character B letting their hands wander all over Character A’s body; slipping under their shirt, their pants, their undergarments, and Character A enjoying having their hands all over them like this even though they’re too shy to admit to that with words.
20. “Do you want me to straddle you?”
21. “How am I supposed to think about anything else while fucking myself now?” Character A questions in a rushed gasp as Character B continues to rub their thigh against their crotch.
22. “You’re so adorable,” Character B murmurs as they continue to thrust their hips into Character A’s. “How is me doing this adorable to you?” Character A questions, moaning a little at a particularly hard thrust of Character B’s hips against theirs.
23. Character B leaving hickeys on Character A’s neck, on spots that make them pretty damn visible to the public.
24. “So… How do you like it on top?” “It’s uh… It’s an interesting experience.”
25. Character B’s body responding to the noises Character A’s making because of what they’re doing with them; to them.
26. Character B’s hand slipping past Character A’s pants to grope their bare ass while they’re dry humping each other.
27. Character B hitching Character A onto their thigh, pressing their thigh firmly against Character A’s crotch to tease them.
28. Character B caging Character A between their arms while kissing them, and Character A’s arms wrapping around Character B’s neck to pull them closer, fingers carding through their hair; hands sliding down their neck; their shoulders; their arms; slipping under their tank top, palms resting against their bare skin; palms gliding along their spine and their back.
29. Character B asking for consent whenever they want to do something a little out of the blue, and stopping when Character A isn’t comfortable with it. (BOUNDARY RESPECTING KING, PEOPLE NEED TO BE LIKE HIM!!)
30. “Sorry if I went too far,” Character B says, and Character A shakes their head. “No, you didn’t go too far. You didn’t go far at all; you didn’t go far enough,” Character A says, flushing at the brazen admission coming out of their own mouth.
31. Character B trailing kisses down Character A’s chest/breasts.
32. Character B pulling up Character A’s undergarment/shirt and taking Character A’s breast/nipple into their mouth, with Character A arching into them with pleasure at the unexpected gesture, a soft, encouraging gasp leaving them.
33. Character B slipping their hand under Character A’s shirt/undergarments to fondle with their nipples/breasts.
34. Just Character A being a needy little fuck and needing Character B to be all over them because they’re so fucking addicted to the taste of them and the way their body rocks against theirs.
35. Character A letting out little obscenities while they’re fooling around, which only fuels Character B further.
36. “Well, now I’m really wet/hard.” “I see no problem with that.”
37. Character A rocking back against Character B while they’re spooning and Character B shallowly thrusting against them in response.
38. Character A biting their bottom lip to try and keep quiet (and failing pretty miserably).
39. “Yeah, you like that?” Character B softly murmurs into Character A’s ear as Character A lets out an involuntary sigh, arching up into Character B in response.
40. “Well… I do fantasise being restrained by handcuffs.” “We can try that in the future if you’d like.” (WELL FUCK ME I GUESS LWKENFEWLKNF)
41. Character A moaning into Character B’s mouth while they’re making out, which spurs Character B on, with the way they pull Character A even closer and kisses them harder; with much more fervour than before.
42. Character B touching, teasing and feeling Character A up. (DID Y’ALL GET THAT WAYV REFERENCE OR WHAT—)
43. Character B caressing the side Character A’s thigh while they’re kissing.
44. “And you’re telling me this is what cuddling is?” “Mhm.” “Bullshit.”
45. Character A fucking themselves on Character B’s fingers, whimpering in a way they’d be embarrassed about if they weren’t so in the moment.
46. Character A trying so fucking hard to control the soft little whimpers leaving them when Character B rubs against them with their fingers.
47. “I’m all over the place and it’s all your fault,” Character A whines while Character B chuckles. “Mmm, it’s not all on me, you know,” Character B says, tone teasing.
48. “It’s just me and you now,” Character B murmurs softly, planting a kiss on Character A’s lips, slowly rocking their hips against Character A. (onrwlfgnrekljng FUCK!! OFF!! ALKFHEWLKNF)
49. Character B closing the blinds for privacy reasons. (He was struggling to close the blinds and I was giggling and teasing him about that lmfaofenlkfn)
50. Character B slipping their thigh between Character’s A’s legs with the intention of messing with them.
51. Character A grinding against Character B’s thigh and Character B responding by pressing their thigh firmer against Character A.
52. The soft pleas and whimpers slipping out of Character A’s mouth as Character B quickens the thrusts of their fingers.
53. “How are you feeling?” Character B would ask every now and then to make sure Character A’s comfortable and okay with what they’re doing, and the pace they’re going at. (This is ALWAYS so fucking sexy! Do this with your partner)
54. Character B unbuttoning/unzipping Character A’s pants, in a tauntingly slow manner; slips their hand past the waist band of Character A’s pants whilst Character A squirms around a little, their heartbeat quickening in anticipation of what’s to come. (Uh, no pun intended???)
55. Taking a break in between each of their little sessions and cuddling with each other, and using those moments to check in on each other.
56. Character B stopping themselves from going further whenever they sense Character A getting a bit overwhelmed with everything that’s happening and making sure that they’re okay. (He just… He’s so caring and it’s so fucking sweet AHHHH)
57. Character B’s ragged, laboured breathing in Character A’s ear as they fuck themselves against Character A, and Character A squeezing their biceps in encouragement; the soft pants from Character B and the whimpers and moans from Character A intermingling in the air.
58. Character A burying their face in Character B’s chest out of pure embarrassment after doing all of that, and Character B chuckling at them while cuddling them close to their chest, planting several kisses on their face.
59. Character A’s clothing smelling like Character B’s because of how much they were all over each other, all day and night.
60. Character A leaving Character B’s room with the messiest hair by the end of the night.
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