#part of that has to do with the way doctors are really solution oriented but also

[salt-baby]

at some point in disability you stop wanting to "get better" and this is just really hard for able bodied people to understand for some reason

[twilightcitysky]

Everything Is Meant (long S2 analysis, part 2)

Part one here

Okay, so that's how I think the pre-creation scene and Gabriel's arc connect to Aziraphale's choice. I also think the ineffable bureaucracy speedrun exists to prove totally different things to Aziraphale and Crowley: Aziraphale loves that they can love each other but notes they have to run away to be together; Crowley sees this and immediately thinks "hey, we can do that too!", forgetting that running away is not a solution Aziraphale has ever been interested in. It's the mentality of an individualist vs a group-oriented mind, and neither of them is necessarily wrong, it's just that their priorities are different and they HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT, which they don't.

Continued analysis under the cut:

3. Let's take the Job minisode. Why include it? We already mentioned that it proves Aziraphale remembers Crowley as an angel, since he mentions it. And he believes Crowley is the same person he always was, and that he doesn't want to harm Job's crops or animals or children. Crowley tries to convince him he's a Big Bad Demon who is all in on this assignment, but fails utterly to kill even a single goat, soooo... Aziraphale comes to the conclusion that he knows what Crowley wants. Alert! Alert! This is a big problem! Crowley says, "What do you know about what I want?" Aziraphale: "I know you." Crowley: "You do not know me." But because Aziraphale got it right this time, he goes ahead assuming he'll always get it right, which is a crucial failure when it comes to the final reckoning. He doesn't ever ASK Crowley what he wants, he just assumes. When you assume you know what someone wants, you usually assume their priorities align with yours... he couldn't be more wrong about that. The Job minisode sets up this dynamic for them, and they never really manage to change it.

The other thing happens at the end of the minisode. Crowley acknowledges two crucial points: 1) he's lonely ("But you said it wasn't!" "I'm a demon. I lied"), 2) he doesn't think Aziraphale would like Hell. Aziraphale DOESN'T like Hell. Aziraphale hates Hell for what they've done to Crowley. He doesn't see Heaven as innocent or benign, but importantly, Heaven has never tried to hurt Crowley directly. They never threatened his safety. They never tortured him (as it's heavily implied that Hell did). Fast forward to the last ten mins of season 2: Aziraphale excited to tell Crowley that he can be an angel again BECAUSE: he never has to go back to Hell. They can never hurt him again, not the way they did before. And he doesn't have to be lonely anymore.

Last point before I leave Job: Crowley has the chance to cause Aziraphale to Fall, here, probably. ("I lied to Heaven to thwart the will of God!" "You did, but I'm not going to tell anybody. Are you? ...good, then nothing has to change.") He doesn't take it. He doesn't want Aziraphale to be a demon. He loves Aziraphale as he is. "Angel" as an affectionate. Aziraphale certainly doesn't use "demon" as a pet name for Crowley. I think they set up this scene to contrast the final one, and show how deeply hurt Crowley is that Aziraphale suggest he change.

4. Moving on to Victorian Scotland. This one confused me at first. I was delighted that they brought back the "the lower you start the more opportunity you have to rise" dialogue from the book, but apart from that I didn't really see the point of it. It seems like the statue of Gabriel and the fact that he and Beelz ended up at that pub in the present were more or less coincidental.

The point, I think, is actually not the girl, but the doctor. He's a person who is trying to do good by working in a system that's deeply flawed, and engaging in questionable moral practices for the greater good. (Cadaver dissection is still an essential part of medical school. You need dead bodies to understand living ones.) He shows Aziraphale a tumor he removed from a child who died, and Aziraphale clutches it to his chest. The camera zooms in and lingers to tell us that this is a guardian through and through. He wants to protect people. He wants to do good with every fiber of his being.

To Crowley, it's enough to just "be an us" with Aziraphale. He doesn't really want anything more than that. That's an issue! For one thing, it fosters unhealthy codependency, and for another, Aziraphale would never be happy without the opportunity to help and protect people. It's an essential part of who he is. Metatron knows that, and he plays Aziraphale like a fiddle. The doctor showed Aziraphale that you can make a difference even in systems that are flawed, and even if you have to do things you'd rather not do. Aziraphale doesn't want to go back to Heaven, but he truly thinks he can change things; thinks he can be a guardian with some real power. In his mind, that's the right thing to do.

Last thing that happens in Scotland: Crowley saves a soul from Hell, arguably, by preventing a suicide. He gets in Big Trouble. Whatever happened to him downstairs resulted in him coming back up, leaning on a cane, and asking Aziraphale to give him holy water. Go back and watch that scene knowing what we know now about the Victorian minisode. Ask yourself how Aziraphale must have felt. He likely blamed himself for what happened, because if he hadn't meddled then they never would have been there in the first place. He knew where Crowley was, and why he was there, and he had to sit with that knowledge for years. He desperately wants Crowley to be safe; is perfectly willing to push him away to keep him safe-- which is what he does do, the minute Crowley gets back.

Now think again about what Metatron offered him. A chance to keep Crowley safe forever. He'd never be harmed again. Aziraphale is going to take that offer, no matter what else is asked of him. He's shown over and over again that he'll sacrifice his own happiness to make sure nothing happens to Crowley. And he'll do it without talking to Crowley about it first, because he is a moron who doesn't know how to use his words. Leading Crowley to assume that Aziraphale doesn't love him. The idiot angel is doing it all out of love, but because he doesn't make himself clear Crowley doesn't know that.

Part 3: Maggie and Nina, and their roles as mirror couple/ Greek chorus!

[moonshynecybin]

PEDRENZO TOXIC RIVALRY YEARS FORCED PROXIMITY CURSE. TELL ME MORE

YAYYYY okay so. for dani and jorge it HAS to be after one of the most intense races of their lives. don’t ask me which I DO NOT KNOW ! i’ll leave it up to you to decide if one fits specifically but it was CRUCIALLY a knockdown drag out fucking fight. high effort. satisfying. one millionnnnn overtakes. and eventually they BOTH podium, and the race was so bananas —kinetic and tense and somewhere HOT— that they feel like the blood in their veins is legitimately made of GASOLINE— and they HATE each other at this point, but on days like this the space between them is also filled with this like. singular electricity that makes them feel like NOTHING else. the emotional release of a hard won battle… all of those endorphins panting shiny with sweat sticky with champagne… critical awareness of where the other is at all times, leftover from the track… and then they DO decide to shake hands on the podium and there’s. a moment. a spark. something a bit different than static electricity, but not far off. and they don’t think anything of it until after the race, when dani is about to get whisked away by honda to debrief— and jorge shouldn’t even notice when dani walks away but he DOES, he can FEEL it, and something prickles and begins to TEAR. jorge feels some deep instinctual part of himself seize up with panic, and theres a shout from dani’s direction and suddenly jorge’s body is moving without his permission and he’s got dani’s face in his hands and big brown eyes are looking up at him and they are fucking ANGRY. and it’s then that he knows something is very very veryyyyy wrong.

and off they go to the motogp doctors™️ ! who are like. yep! you’re cursed ! (magic ass universe where looney tunes shit like this occasionally happens to riders who ride the edge of rivalry a little too hard. rosquez have gods biggest storm coming for them in a few years.) so you have to stay as physically close as possible to each other for a couple of months!! it’ll hopefully pass. these curses don’t effect in track stuff really so you’re are both cleared to ride 🤗👍 and PEDRENZO are both like. you have to be FUCKING kidding me. dani sitting there picking at his fingernails COMPLETELY shut down and jorge just posture tight frown dialed to ELEVEN tiny little stormcloud over their heads :) and they’re holding hands because it’s the only way they don’t feel like live ants are under their skin :) THEN the doctor is like. and you guys should probably share a bed :)

and it’s rough at the beginning! they are both VERY stubborn and while dani remains the people’s princess i think when he was younger he had the capacity to just. shut the fuck down when he was pissed. close off. and jorge is NOT shy about how uncomfortable he is about the whole thing so he’s dialed the cuntress factor allll the way up. and there’s no quick fix! it’s just time! and dani is also SELF ADMITTED !!! not a patient person. SO i IMAGINE sitting next to jorge in bed and imagining himself attempting to suffocate in his most evilest of enemy’s tits is FUN but is also not a SOLUTION. action oriented guy methinks. loves solving a problem hates when the only solution is WAIT. so it ends up being this escalating arms race of belligerent horny tension where they’re literally living in each other’s pockets holding hands touching ankles sleeping in the same bed and being TORTUROUSLY aware of the other’s body the ENTIRE time. every SLIVER of skin contact i feels like a brand. passing dani in the kitchen reaching for cereal and jorge brushes a hand on dani’s waist to lean and he feels CRAZY. INSANE. that kind of stuff. and eventually i think dani (NOT PATIENT !) fucking snaps and just. jumps him. might as well make the fucking lemonade if you have the goddamn lemons !!

the REAL problem os after the curse gets lifted (of course. the second after they fuck.) when they are USED to each other’s presence and have begun to realize how much they COMPLIMENT each other and suspect (creeping at the edges of awareness) that this mighttttt be love. but they know the other was only around for months because they were literally cursed. and now they are free to go back to the status quo. where rivalry is expected. what do they do…

[professor-in-progress]

Engineering is Inherently Political

Okay, yea, seemingly loaded statement but hear me out.

In our current political climate (particularly in the Trump/post-Trump era ugh), the popular sentiment is that scientists and other academics are inherently political. So much of science gets politicized; climate change, abortion, gender “issues”, flat earth (!!), insert any scientific topic even if it isn’t very controversial and you can find some political discourse about it somewhere. However, if you were to ask people if they think that engineering is political, I would bet that 9/10 people would say no. The popular perception of engineering is that it’s objective and non-political. Engineering, generally, isn’t very controversial.

I argue that these sentiments should switch.

At its base level, engineering is the application of science and math to solve problems. Tack on the fact that most people don’t really know what engineering is (hell, I couldn’t even really describe it until starting my PhD and studying that concept specifically). Not controversial, right? We all want to solve the world’s problems and make the world a better place and engineers fill that role! But the best way to solve any problem is a subjective issue; no two people will fully agree on the best way to approach or solve a problem.

Why do we associate science and scientists with controversy but engineers with objectivity? Scientists study what is. It’s a scientist’s job to understand our world. Physicists understand how the laws of the universe work, biologists explore everything in our world that lives, doctors study the human body and how it works, environmental scientists study the Earth and its health, I could go on. My point is that scientists discover and tell us what is. Why do we politicize and fear monger about smart people telling us what they discover about the world?

Engineering, however, has a reputation for being logical, objective, result oriented. Which I get, honestly. It’s appealing to believe that the people responsible for designing and building our world are objective and, for the most part, they are. But this is a much more nuanced topic once you think deeper about it.

For example, take my discipline, aerospace engineering. On the surface, how to design a plane or a rocket isn’t subjective. Everyone has the same goal, get people and things from place to place without killing them (yea I bastardized my discipline a bit but that’s basically all it boils down to). Let’s think a little deeper about the implications though. Let’s say you work for a spacecraft manufacturer and let’s hypothetically call it SpaceX. Your rocket is so powerful that during takeoff it destroys the launch pad. That’s an expensive problem so you’re put on the team of engineers dedicated to solving this problem. The team decides that the most effective and least expensive solution is to spray water onto the rocket and launchpad during takeoff. This solution works great! The launchpad stays intact throughout the launch and the company saves money. However, that water doesn’t disappear after launch, and now it’s contaminated with chemicals used in and on the rocket. Now contaminated water flows into the local environment affecting not just the wildlife but also the water supply of the local community. Who is responsible for solving that issue? Do we now need a team of environmental or chemical engineers to solve this new problem caused by the aerospace engineers?

Yes, engineers solve problems, but they also cause problems.

Every action has its reaction. Each solution has its repercussions.

As engineers we possess some of the most dangerous information in the world and are armed with the weapon to utilize it, our minds. Aerospace engineers know how to make missiles, chemical engineers know how to make bombs, computer scientists know how to control entire technological ecosystems. It’s very easy for an engineer to hurt people, and many do. I’m not exempt from this. I used to work for a military contractor, and I still feel pretty guilty about the implications of the problems that I solved. It is an engineer’s responsibility to act and use their knowledge ethically.

Ethical pleas aside, let’s get back to the topic at hand.

Engineering is inherently political. The goal of modern engineering is to avert catastrophe, tackle societal problems, and increase prosperity. If you disagree don’t argue with me, argue with the National Academy of Engineering. It is an engineer’s responsibility to use their knowledge to uplift the world and solve societal problems, that sounds pretty political to me!

An engineer doesn’t solve a problem in a vacuum. Each problem exists within the context of the situation that caused it as well as the society surrounding that situation. An engineer must consider the societal implications of their solutions and designs and aim to uplift that society through their design and solution to the problem. You can’t engineer within a social society without considering the social implications of both the problem and the solution. Additionally, the social implications of those engineering decisions affect different people in different ways. It’s imperative to be aware and mindful of the social inequality between demographics of people affected by both the solution and the problem. For example, our SpaceX company could be polluting the water supply of a poor community that doesn’t have the resources to solve the problem nor the power or influence to confront our multi-billion-dollar company. Now, a multi-billion-dollar company is advancing society and making billions of dollars at the cost of thousands of lives that already struggle due to their social standing in the world. Now the issue has layers that add further social implications that those without money are consistently prone to the whims of those with money. Which, unfortunately, is a step of ethical thought that many engineers don’t tend to take.

Engineers control our world. Engineers decide which problems to solve and how best to solve them. Engineers control who is impacted by those solutions. Engineers have the power to either protect and lift up the marginalized or continue to marginalize them. Those who control the engineers control the world. This is political. This is a social issue.

Now look me in the eyes and tell me that engineering isn’t inherently political.

[menstruatingfanfiction]

A coming of age for Seven

All the info about menstruation in space comes from some readings I did a long ago and I may misremember, so take the science with a grain of salt, just in case.

Once Seven of Nine was more established and more used to human rhythms, the Doctor took one of their weekly medical evaluations to let her know that her reproductive organs seemed to be working. They hadn’t been modified by Borg implants in any way, and so, there was a possibility that she would start menstruating at some point.

“What is “menstruating”? she asked. “Of course she doesn’t know” he thought. She had been taken as a child, she may have never menstruated at all. He explained that it was part of what Humans with ovaries and uterus experience, usually once a month. “It is the regular discharge of blood and mucosal tissue from the inner lining of the uterus through the vagina”. He then went on a long and deep explanation about how Bajorans actually menstruate in a more irregular fashion, how Vulcans basically go in heat during pon farr so they don’t menstruate (ovulation occurs only during the intercourse in pon farr, hard conditions for the Vulcan reproduction but very effective), he wasn’t up to speed about Cardassians’ reproduction, but Andorians very interestingly have menstrual cycles but do not bleed and it is a rarity, you see, humanoids…

“Thank you, Doctor. I will inform you if I start menstruating” she interrupted him and left.

“But I didn’t have time to explain to her what to do when that happens!”

And so time went on and Seven had started eating with Neelix’ help, which also meant she started needing to evacuate. This was a difficult moment because, while her reproductive organs where in perfect shape, if a bit atrophied, her digestive system was very much completely atrophied and so was her sphincter control. “We can train your sphincters, but it will be a long process and it may be still insufficient. You haven’t used them for decades, you would need to wear a diaper, remember to change it several times a day to prevent infection and rashes… Would you be able to do that? Sometimes you still forget to eat or sleep. There are other solutions, but they could be more invasive…” “I am a Borg, I am full of implants. Invasive solutions don’t scare me.”

And so, the Doctor adapted some of her Borg implants to give her what he called a discharge bag, similar to a colostomy bag, but that could also handle urine. With the help of B’Elanna, they adapted her Borg alcove to clean and sanitise the bag while she was regenerating.

“Will this help with menstruation if it happens?” Seven asked. “It will not. They are different processes and it’s best if they do not enter in contact, the reproductive system is very delicate and we want to prevent infections there. If you menstruate, there are other things we can do. Very often, Humans get hormonal implants to inhibit menstruation in long trips like this one. There are other inhibitors but some find them more unpleasant, particularly in space where the circadian rhythm is already altered and gravity isn’t the same. They are more planet-oriented. A more manual solution that seems to work well when menstruation inhibitors don’t work is a tampon. It has been used for centuries now, the design has been improved and the risks have been completely eliminated but it really is one of the best solutions for menstruations in space, where gravity is less stable than in a planet.

“Why is gravity a problem?” “Ah. Yes. Well, you see [he turned on a screen to show her her own reproductive system as an example]. In a planet, where gravity makes things fall to the ground, the blood from the endometrium also falls to the ground, so to say. It would actually fall to the ground, now that I think of it. Anyways, over the centuries, people have used all kinds of things to not make it fall to the ground. When space travel began, we faced a problem: no gravity means no falling to the ground. And worse, it meant the blood and other fluids from the menstruation could actually go any other way, stay in the uterus, go up the Falopian tubes… And *this* is a problem. It can cause all kinds of health issues, it really is a risk. The first solution Humans developed for it was a solution that already existed: a tampon. The original tampons where just some cotton given a cylinder shape that you would put up your vagina. They then were given a more suitable form, like a small tube of hardly pressed cotton. The thing about this is that it attracts fluids, so they don’t wander around where they shouldn’t, very convenient in space. Using a tampon at that time had some health risks, but overall it outweighed the inconvenients. But now [he went to look for something in one of the cabinets, turned around and showed a very small white tube], the design is basically the same, but we are using Tellarite cotton and some special treatments that make it much more absorbent and much more safe. You change it once a day until the menstruation is over and that is it. You can dispose of it as you dispose of all other disposable things in this ship.” He then gave her some to keep in her alcove and to carry one with herself just in case, and reminded her that they could try the hormonal implant if she found the menstruation unpleasant. However, he wasn’t sure if she would ever menstruate, so there was no need for it yet.

One day, Janeway went to look for her at her alcove because she hadn’t showed up for work. She was still regenerating, which was not a common occurrence for Seven. When she felt Janeway’s presence, she woke up. “What are you doing here, Captain?” “Well, you were late and weren’t replying to your communicator, so I decided to come and check on you. Are you alright? You have been regenerating for over 10 hours now” “Have I? I don’t feel like I have regenerated at all. As a matter of fact, I don’t feel well, Captain” “You do look pale. I’m taking you to sick bay”.

“The good news is, if you want to call them that, that you can menstruate” said the Doctor. “The bad news is it seems you are having one of the bad ones. We can give it some more months, see if it improves on its own, but given that there are Borg implants all around your uterus, and the discharge bag too, I cannot say for sure. For many people, their first periods are hard but then, they get better. For many others, it’s always a nightmare. There is medication I can give you so that you are not in pain, I’m sure the captain will give you as many time off as you need to rest, if you feel like seeing how it naturally goes. But a spaceship is not as stable as a planet, even if we try to make it so, and that also affects how your body feels and how your organs react, which is why most space-people choose to inhibit their cycle one way or another. Whatever you want to do, we can do. So far, I haven’t had problems replicating inhibitors for any of the crew.”

“I will try the tampons this time. If it happens again, and it’s as bad, we’ll see about the inhibitors.” “It will happen again. If everything goes as it should, it should happen again in about a month, month and a half. It can take up to a year to find its rhythm, or at least on a teenager living on a planet does, and if it doesn’t after a year or so, there are treatments we can try. Again, you are an adult woman in a spaceship, menstruating for the first time in very unlikely circumstances. I will give you painkillers, muscle relaxants and any treatment you need to be at your best, including as many days of rest as you need.”

During the following year, Seven asked about all the usual treatments for painful and debilitating periods that the Federation had developed and tried several, but they all had their share of problems for her. If she used the tampons, she also required painkillers to sleep an elephant. If she used hormone treatments, she had severe mood swings. If she used the general period inhibitor half of the crew used, not reliant on hormones, some of her Borg implants stopped working. None of the treatments helped regulate her hormonal cycle in any way, which made it unpredictable. In the end, she was one of the few who needed to spend some days resting, regardless.

“Doctor, since I must stay in my alcove regenerating and resting, could I develop a similar system to the one we have with the discharge bag? I can speak to B’Elanna, figure out a way to connect my regeneration alcove to my menstrual cycle and help regulate from it. The equipment is already there.” “I don’t see why not. Any other thing seems to cause you more harm than good.”

And so, after some researching and playing around, B’Elanna and Seven managed to make the alcove recognize her menstrual cycle, and work in advance. It would use the regeneration periods to help her regulate her hormones and the function of her organs to prepare for the menstruation itself. When it happened, the alcove recovered the fluids the same way it did with the other discharges and offered improved support for her back. During that time, she was now better rested and in less pain, but she still took days off. B’Elanna quickly saw the possibilities a similar system could have for people like Lt. Weraras, who was one of the ones who could not take any inhibitors and needed days of rest every month. It would require adapting the Borg technology for a variety of metabolisms, both alien and human, but it felt like a good project to work on. Seven loved the idea and offered to help in any way she could too.

[jounosparticles]

HAJDSJD omg im glad we're both brain rotting about this now LMAO okay

i thought about the surgery thing. it was mentioned that tachihara was given less than the others due to his nature as a spy, but im not sure if he can survive or not. if worst comes to worst, im sure he could get the surgery files and have a more private doctor do it. i admit that i haven't thought enough about it, i just kind of assumed tachihara would be fine or somehow find another solution

ALSO YES YES OMG DAZAI AND JOUNO BONDINF!! j feel like the parallels between their pasts would cause some tension at first though. in my mind jouno probably avoids his past like the plague, while dazai embraces it as a part of him or whatever. maybe they intimidate each other at first and then come to realise that they're not threats & actually have a bit in common.

also this doesn't relate to the whole topic but i really desperately want to see tachihara and jouno bond over blindness. like.. as someone that's been losing my vision my whole life, it can be very scary + tachihara's wound was due to a traumatic and severe injury, not just a disease. jouno and tachi seem to be fairly close, from what i barely remember of season 4 and i think this could bring them closer, mafia aside.

also, ranpo and tecchou are very autistic coded. i feel like their autism would clash personally. like in my mind ranpo has very visual stims but tecchou is sensitive to the light. i don't think it'd be a huge deal, they'd just learn to leave each other be when clashes happen.. but i can also see them growing close too.

ALSO YES TECCHOU AND KENJI MENTORSHIP/FRIENDSHIP. tecchou is definitely a big brother figure imo like i think he'd be great at taking care of people. not in huge gestures but in little ways like bringing them stuff that reminds him of them or minor acts of service. and kenji very much seems like a family oriented type of person.

IDK THERES SO MUCH TO THINK ABOIT LIKE?? im going insane this au is ruining me

- 🗡️

oh my god your brain. literally making me so happy i love talking about this!!!

good note on the surgery thing for tachihara!! i didn’t know or didn’t remember hearing that, but it clears it up. possibly there are similar doctors within the mafia as well.

one slightly brutal thought i’ve had before is if something happens to the hunting dogs doctor. they’d be easier to attack than the hunting dogs themself and if they died all of the hunting dogs would slowly have to rot to death. what a vile and awful death to face. ive thought about writing this before but it also makes me a bit sad to think about.

jouno and dazai bonding would be really nice to see. i feel that their senses of morality and justice are vastly different though to the point where becoming close would be hard for the two. with that in mind they could make an interesting combination when it comes to discussing pasts. i fully agree with what you said about jouno hiding the past whereas dazai appreciates his.

and about jouno and tachi i truly hope they do that as well. i have a feeling they’re going to use the vampiric ability to heal his eyes or use yosano but i hope instead they have jouno help him adjust to learning to live without sight. it’s always good to have representation of disabilities in media. i think jouno thinks fondly of tachihara, he addressed him in a friendly manner when they reunited in S4. i would love to see more interactions

I GET YOU with the autism part as well. i feel like they would clash a lot just due to being very different in symptom display. id love to see them talk about how confusing people can be together, i feel that would help them get each other a bit. i glad you see the tetchou autism hc as well!!!

YESSS. kenji and tetchou brothers please!! i love the found family trope. kenji is also just super sweet and probably wouldn’t mind any of the strange things tetchou does.

i love your mind. your ideas are so good!!!!!

[squiggledrop]

I’m Sorry - Spencer Reid x Reader

Masterlist

Summary: Reid gets shot on a case and is in the hospital. But him and Reader have so much left they want to do. So, living on borrowed time, Reader does all they can do.

Word Count: 2.7k

Pairings: Spencer Reid x Reader

Category: Angst

Warnings: Allusions to death, hospitals, references to major injuries, mentions of a god

Note: Could be read as a part 2 to Your Other Half, but doesn’t have to be. But you should go read that if you haven’t👀👀. Also, the italics are “Spencer”, but are kind of up for interpretation. Also, I’m like ✨struggling✨ so I just kind of wrote this and figured I’d share, but I promise I’ll have some actual fics soon. Also, just saying this so it’s said, but, this is literally just me ranting and believe whatever you want to believe because it is 100% valid and should always be respected. Last thing, title should be read in John Mulaney’s voice because every time I read it that’s all I can hear in my head, so I think you should too. “I’m SoOOoRy”

“Hey Spence.” Your hushed voice broke through the unbearable silence in the room, only mediated by the monotonous beeping of the countless machines hooked up to Spencer.

“We’re in the hospital right now. You had surgery and they were able to fix the bullet wound. But, the doctor said that your injury caused swelling in your brain, and if it doesn’t stop soon, there won’t be much they can do.” Your breathing stuttered as you blinked back tears. “So, I’m going to need you to try and stop it okay?”

You gripped his hand in yours, resting it against your forehead as tears poured down your cheek. 

“We always knew you had a big, genius brain. I guess we just never thought about what would happen when it got a little too big.” You let out a slight laugh through your nose, blinking away the tears in your eyes. “I always knew you were too amazing to be bound by something so nominal as a human body. Normally, every room you occupy is consumed by your warmth and filled with your laughter.” You forced a weak smile as his comforting laugh replayed in your mind. With a sigh, you looked around the sterile room. The fluorescent lights were too bright. They would give Spencer a headache.

“But not this one,” you choked out, turning back towards his unconscious form. “I miss your beautiful smile and gentle eyes because, right now, you feel so small. Your hand is in mine, but it just doesn’t feel right.” You cautiously stroked the back of his hand, examining the foreign feeling. “It’s too bony and fragile. Your hands are normally soft and warm, but right now they’re just so cold.” You placed a kiss on the middle of his palm before resting your cheek in it. The chilling of his hand burned your inflamed cheeks.

“I asked the nurse to get you another blanket because I know how much you hate the cold. She gave me that look we give victims' families when we have to tell them their loved one is dead,” you scoffed. “Sometimes it really sucks to always know what people are thinking.” You tried to calm yourself down, rolling your lips between your teeth, but it was no use.

“I really need you to hang on okay, baby? I hope you aren't in any pain, but I need you to hang on.” Despite your best efforts, desperation bled through every word you spoke. “I-I know it’s selfish, but I can't do this without you Spence.” With every second that past your throat constricted even more. “I know it’s selfish, but I need you. God, Spence, please come back to me,” you cried.

I always found that to be such an interesting term: “praying to a god you don’t believe in”. You closed your eyes, relishing in the sound of his voice. You knew it wasn’t real, but for now, it was good enough. It is used in literature and in modern music so often, and rightly so, but is never given the weight it truly possesses. Despite everything you know, all of the scientific explanations you have that can explain the world around you, when you are that desperate, you throw it all out the window in a split second. You don’t believe in a god. Yet, when faced with a difficult situation, and you have nothing else to hold onto, you immediately pray to something that you know holds no validity.

“Because it’s all I can do.” 

You are so desperate and helpless to the extent that you are praying to something that you know logically is not real, yet with every fiber of your being you are praying for its help. 

“Isn’t it just human nature?”

Well, some may say it’s humanizing. I would disagree. I think it is the least human thing you can do. It’s human nature to be curious and want explanations for the phenomena around you. That’s why, out of all species on earth, humans are the most advanced. They are the only species to change their environment to fit their needs. They have no natural predators, despite having absolutely no defense mechanisms. They have survived and evolved based on their thirst for knowledge and answers. But, when faced with some of the toughest situations in life, yet some of the most natural, they disregard everything they know to be true, and blindly beg for the help of some mythological deity. 

Death is a natural progression of life. We know how and why it happens, and we have formulas and data to predict when it will come. 

“But when it’s someone you know, someone you love, despite knowing everyone’s time will one day come, you can’t help but to beg for it not to be the case,” you pointed out. 

You ask something you don’t believe in, something you know to not be true, to change the inevitable. You ask something you don’t believe in to change precedent. You ask for some miracle, that you already know the minuscule probability of. 

“Is it avoidance?”, you genuinely asked out loud, missing the way Spencer was always there with an answer for everything.

Well, you know the science and statistics behind it. You know the odds are not in your favor. So, rather than acknowledge that and live with the truth, you abandon everything you hold to be true, and instead conjure some faith in a god you know isn’t there. I mean, is it better to have blind hope or just accept the facts? 

“Isn’t there something to be said for being optimistic?” you countered.

Of course. One of the amazing laws of our natural world is that nothing is impossible. Sure, if you keep shoving your hand at the wall enough times, statistically speaking, eventually your hand will have the exact orientation to go between all the atoms perfectly, and your hand will go through the wall. But, if I were to ask you to believe that I could do it, would you? 

“No,” you replied.

Of course not. Because it’s illogical. So then, why is your immediate reaction to devastating information to refuse it and do something illogical? 

“Is it to feel useful?”

You know the statistics. Realistically, you know there is nothing you can do to change the outcome. But, it is human nature to try and come up with solutions to our problems. After having exhausted all other possibilities and coming up empty, you persist. You don’t give up. Even if you know it’s nonsensical, you still need to feel as though you are trying. But that’s the operative part: feel as though. Is it human inclination to want to try and solve the problem and contribute positively to the situation? Or is it a selfish need to not feel powerless? 

“There is nothing worse than feeling as though you have no control. When everything you love has been taken from you, and you are desperate for any solution to your problem, it makes sense that one would try all their options, no matter how unlikely, because you still have to at least try.”

But, it’s important to remember that no matter how many times you shove your hand at the wall, you will always end up hurt before it goes through. You let out a small smile, pondering his words.

“Is it a reminder, that despite how much we claim to know and understand about the universe, that we know practically nothing?”

Ah, therein lies the beauty of science. Every time a question is answered, it introduces a plethora of others to be figured out. Despite knowing the facts, you are reminded about how much you do not know. There is so much uncertainty in everyday life, and no matter how much you may try, life does not take place in a laboratory. You cannot control for all the confounding variables life has to offer. You don’t get to test your hypothesis over and over, tweaking your experiment as you go. You are granted one life. You must use it to its fullest extent. 

“Did you?” you abruptly asked.

I wouldn’t have changed anything, because it brought me to you. And you are my greatest accomplishment. You nodded your head, wiping away the tears that pooled in your eyes.

“Look, I may not believe in this supposed god I’m praying to. But, if she actually is out there, what’s the harm in praying she lets my hand make it through the wall? The worst that could happen is she doesn’t listen and I end up with a few bruises and a broken bone. Because, in the grand scheme, what’s a broken bone compared to your life?” There was silence, and you didn’t feel like waiting for a response.

“You are the kindest, gentlest, most generous person I know. Everyone has been through so much. I-it’s too soon. That's how I know there isn’t a god, because she wouldn’t be this cruel. She wouldn’t take you from us too.” In your mind, all of the losses you two had suffered over the years replayed. All of the lost lives, lost friends. “I always tried so hard to be strong for you. I tried to be there, and for the most part I was. I held you in my arms. I kissed the top of your head. I let you know you are so loved, that I was there and I would never let go, because that’s what you do for the ones you love- 

I know

“-but for every ounce of strength I gave, I lost a part of me. I still remember the day it happened. I remember the day we said goodbye, and I remember the endless months of hurt. But, what are you supposed to do when someone loses someone like that?”

Well, you hold them in your arms and let them know they are loved. 

“But I can’t do it again,” you practically shouted. “I can’t,” you gasped.

I know

“I can’t go through that again-”

I know

“-my arms are too tired and weak-”

I know

“-my eyes have lost enough tears-”

I know

“I-I can’t be strong for anyone anymore.” 

I know baby, I’m sorry

You let your head collapse in front of you, hugging Spencer’s limp arm into your chest.

“It’s not fair,” you murmur between broken sobs. “I need someone to hold me-”

I know

“-and I need someone to tell me it’s okay, because I know it’s not. Nothing about this is okay.”

I know

“God, would you just shut up? Just for once Spencer!” Your breathing heaved as you lifted your head, looking down at the lifeless body in front of you. “I know you know, okay? I know you know everything.” Your own voice bounced around the room, ringing in your ears. “You can claim that you have a formula for any problem, and sure, you can rattle off any statistic. But, for the love of god Spencer, don’t forget, mathematics was invented,” you spat. “It is a made up world that people use to quantify the incomprehensible. It’s a tool that was made to try and make sense of the chaotic world that surrounds us.” The volume of your voice shattered, and you broke down again, cursing yourself for screaming at your unconscious husband.

But, you heard his soft, knowing voice that you missed so much, try as we might, the law of entropy prevails, and with every negative delta g we descended further and further into disorder. One variable that does not have a differential equation to solve is emotions. That’s what makes us different. We care for one another. That is human nature. We try to help those in need and even if we can never fully understand the working of the universe, at least we can make a slightly more positive place. Yes, you can calculate the probability of every known outcome, but you are not a robot. We have survived because of our inclination to help others. We work together for a common goal. We love. We hate. We get scared. We get excited. We are shy and outgoing. We are happy and we are sad. But, no matter what we are, we do it with passion. We love so intensely that it physically hurts. We can feel such joy that it feels as though it is bursting out of us. We are empathetic. We can feel others’ emotions as if they were our own. 

“But, we can also hurt,” you chided. “We can hurt so bad that it feels debilitating. We can hurt so bad that it's easier to just shut off and not think.” You looked over his stoic face, desperately trying to picture his golden eyes through his ashen eyelids. “Yes, that means losing your humanity, but when it’s at the cost of feeling your world crumble before you, suffocating you with it, being a robot begins to have its appeals.”

I guess. You could hear the slight smirk in his voice. It depends on your point of view. You can have a reductionist mind set, and see the world for what it is: a bunch of chemicals interacting. Or, you can take a more philosophical approach and contemplate the meaning of life. But one cannot exist without the other. There is a nuanced duality that must be maintained, or there is no point to either.

You cupped his jaw in your hand, running your thumb over cheek. 

“Every time I see your face I smile. When you tell me you love me my heart feels so full.” You swallowed thickly, picturing all of the morning you woke up next to Spencer, never really knowing which one would be your last. “When I hug you, I feel safe. Yeah, we may just be a sack of chemicals, but I was lucky enough that our atoms came together in this specific combination at the same point in time.” Your voice squeezed as you tried to continue speaking, “And I know the probability of that happening is minuscule, so why can’t  this be too?” you pleaded. “I know it’s unlikely, but if I was so lucky to have you in my life, why can’t I be just as lucky and get my hand through the wall on the first try?”

Because you are human, whatever that means. He spoke as if it was the simplest thing in the world. No matter how hard we may try, we are controlled by our emotions. I love you, and you love me, and it’s as simple and complicated as that. 

“I know that every moment you are alive is a second of gifted time, but it’s still never enough. I don’t want to say goodbye. We have so much more to do. We have plans, and promises that still need to be fulfilled”

I don’t want to say goodbye either 

“This isn’t fair, we are supposed to have more time.”

I know, but I need you to be strong, for me.

“But I don’t know what to do.”

I need you to try.

“No, Spence, I-I’m letting you know now that I won’t be able to do it. I can't be strong again. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do it.” You cried into his chest, savoring the sound of his faint heartbeat.

“I’m sorry.”

You waited for a response, desperate to hear his voice for as long as you could. But, it never came. 

“Hey, you doing okay?” You gasped, lifting your head and looking around the room. Your eyes fell on Derek in the doorway. “I thought I heard you talking, are you okay?” Concern laced his brow as he looked at you.

“Y-yeah, I’m as fine as I can be,” you reassured, wiping your eyes. He nodded and gave you a sympathetic smile. You watched as he turned to leave, going back to the others in the waiting room. You let out a helpless breath, your eyes falling back onto the man that lay beside you. 

Yes, you are human. And as tears roll down your face, and helplessness courses through your veins, you will continue to pray to a god you don’t believe in, because what else are you supposed to do?

[xclusivetism]

Debunking ‘gender identity’ by gender ≠ sex.

Having gender identity may seem noble divergence from our gender rigid society, the solution to stop such and embrace self-expression.

However after examining it through, ‘gender identity’ the way the ideology says doesn’t really exist and actually still perpetuates gender conformity.

And no, there’s no need for “there’s only two sexes” or any science  argument at all to disprove gender identity. Gender ideology so f l a w e d that it can do it perfectly itself out of any of above the fastest just by Gender ≠ sex.

You probably read many things that try to disprove gender and thought it was wrong or outdated that scientist have discover there’s people with XXXY.

But after reading this, If it doesn’t peak you or at least make you question gender, then i honestly really don’t know what will other than to call you deluded.

What is Gender

Gender ≠ sex is the essential foundation of gender.

To order to know the difference, we need to know what individually each are.

Gender is a social construct

Gender Identity

Gender expression

That means.

Sex is a physical construct

Sex

Sexual orientation

The first thing that instantly break Gender ≠ sex

“Sex is not binary, Sex is a spectrum or intersex exist”

That already outed you as a hypocrite especially when responding to “there’s only two sexes” saying that they’re conflating sex and gender.

Why should sex being binary or not be relevant to gender identity?

LGB and T are antithetical.

Since Gender ≠ Sex, LGB and T shouldn’t be consider one.

Sexuality is a Sexual orientation not a gender orientation, to suggest it means gender too is conflation.

For a trans-woman to say they’re lesbian or a trans-man to say they’re gay is incorrect & impossible because they’re straight. Gender identity doesn’t shift sexuality status because they’re separate things and to suggest so is homophobic. For a trans to say that invalidates their identity is another conflation of gender and sex.

LGB is a sex-based group while T is a gender-based group. One’s based on sexual attraction and the other is based on changing gender, they are absolutely nothing alike.

‘Cis’ is enough entitlement to be trans exclusive.

Terfs don’t like being called ‘Cis’

But let’s say they drop the belief that “transwomen aren’t real women” and say “transwomen aren’t ciswomen” and want spaces of their own

They put the ‘Cis’ prefix 

Cis woman schools

Cis woman attracted

Cis woman bathroom

Cis woman sports

Cis woman locker rooms

Cis woman administrator 

Cis woman health

Cis women history

etc.

Instead of saying “only women can breastfeed” they use “only AFAB can breastfeed”.

According to TRA logic, all that would be valid.

To for one to say that’s segregation, you would also have to believe separation of men and women or other types groups is segregation as well. A Cis person doesn’t have the trans experience and that goes the other way around.

‘Transwo/man’ is transphobic itself.

Gender ≠ Sex physical transitioning would be a conflation.

If it’s not a conflation, that would imply that physical features are social constructs which includes reproduction, sexuality etc.

Gender is a social construct, all you need to be a gender is identify.

Gender dysphoria is only a social dysphoria, if it’s about the physical then it’s really sex dysphoria. To say it isn’t is conflation.

But even identifying as a ‘wo/man’ itself also is transphobic because the meaning behind it is sex base.

the definition of wo/man.

Adult human fe/male being

What does fe/male mean?

(Female) of or denoting the sex that can bear offspring or produce eggs, distinguished biologically by the production of gametes (ova) which can be fertilized by male gametes.

(Male) of or denoting the sex that produces small, typically motile gametes, especially spermatozoa, with which a female may be fertilized or inseminated to produce offspring.

One can go down in the definition to point that it also means this.

Relating to wo/men or the fe/male gender.

To say wo/man in the definition also refer to gender, isn’t that a conflation and breaking Gender ≠ Sex? My oh my so many usage of the word conflation.

Gender identity.

Non-binary is not a gender, nothing of it say it’s a gender. It’s just non-binary of something which is usually assumed of not being man or woman. But not being a man or woman doesn’t say of what it is only of what it is not. If the binary part is something else that mean a person who identifies as a woman or man (including cis) can be considered non-binary. Non-binary is really just a slot. 

So far the solid identifies are

Man

Woman

Neutrois

Queer

Agender 

Androgyne is both man and woman. Genderqueer wo/man is both of queer and wo/man. Pangender is all.

Everything else is either a flux, degree, combination of the above or based on a different concept. Things like such as bigender are umbrella because it doesn’t specify if it’s man or woman or something else.

That being said, the only one that’s truly gender non-conformist is agender. Queer is still gender conforming just not to man or woman.

What are the distinctive qualities of each identity?

It’s said that gender expression is different than identity and that someone who identifies as a boy can be very feminine still.

So we’re not gonna use association of masculinity, femininity etc. to define it then.

So what identity mean is it’s usually answered as someone’s ‘personal sense.’

If it’s a personal sense that mean it would be mean it’s a personal construct.

Personal or social construct regardless, it doesn’t say the characteristics. If you can’t point out what to define the labels become hallow. 

There’s many things that aren’t concrete that can show one it’s existence.

An abstract thing like 1, can present it’s existence.

A thing we cannot fully see of like the 4D can present it’s existence.

Even pseudo scientific like zodiacs signs have specific qualities to describe, personality types and even religion has something to define.

In the means of gender, all the identities really sums down to meaningless labels. In the means of sex, the word woman or man are names for physical characteristics that is observed at birth. 

Problem with “assigned gender identity at birth”

No one was “assigned” at birth, “cis” people don’t match what their doctors assign. Assign word implies duty and a job. Assign is often a thing that doesn’t always taking what the subject is to account, for example you being assigned to a seat is sometimes random and not based your rowdiness or attentiveness. 

The doctor characterised people a ‘wo/man’ based on observing them. Woman and Man are distinguisher (just like fruits and veggies) of physical characteristics.

People are assigned a gender expression at life.

Gender identity doesn’t exist other than being a label, gender identity is based on sex hence that label. What’s assigned is actually gender expression.

What Society does

(Biology) Sex → gender identity ↓ ←gender expression (Society)

↓ Gender identity → gender roles

What TRAs think to solve it

gender identity ←gender expression (society)

Gender identity → gender roles

Sex ← gender identity (society)

Sex Ⓧ gender identity (society)

Sex → gender identity (different)

↓ gender identity (different) → sex → society → expression = gender roles

What Gender critical think to solve it

Sex → gender identity → gender expression→ society = gender roles

Putting it to perspective

Whenever GC say this:

Sex → gender identity

This is how TRAs view it:

gender identity ←gender expression (society)

Gender identity → gender roles

Sex ← gender identity (society)

↓ 

Sex → gender identity = gender roles

and thus GC = society pushing gender norm

and the TRA misses this:

→ gender expression→ society = gender roles

Gender ideology pushes gender conformity, just in backwards.

Society enforces femininity on women and masculinity on men to maintain a heteronormative hierarchy aka patriarchy. 

Gender ideology is a patriarchal chest play to keep people from actually breaking such status quo by putting the gender role but backwards.

Societal gender roles

Women must be feminine

Men must be masculine

Gender ideology

Feminine is woman

Masculine is man

Neither is non-binary

Anything else it’s a new gender

‘Cis’ means comfortable of the societal gender role

‘Trans’ means not comfortable of societal gender role

GRA say expression is different from identity to hide the fact that it in a way still pushes gender conformity. They confuse the names for physical characteristics ‘wo/man’ as entire gender construct and expression. 

Here’s the damage Gender ideology does.

So far GRA activist blur what sex and gender is, despite their gender ≠ sex.

Blurring gender and sex create problems for the LGB and women, by making anyone able to appropriates them by identification and transing so long as they feel it, remember these two groups are on the oppressed side. There isn’t even a qualification (not even dyphoria) to be considered trans. Growing kids & teen are getting into this as well ruining their bodies, ask yourselves how are they old enough to block puberty but not drink alcohol?

People’s motivation for why they want to of certain gender is not look thorough enough. 

People in general again who again don’t fit with gender norms

Women with internal misogyny/trauma

Gay/Lesbian with internal homophobia/trauma

Men who want more access to women for misogynistic reasons.

You cannot ever feel something you cannot comprehend.

And you cannot ever comprehend not feeling it.

One’s thought of feeling or not like a boy/girl comes were form by the brain cells of XX or XY chromosome or whatever.

Here’s a color analogy i have to show case the difference between one who feels like wo/man vs someone who actually is.

Identifying as one.

Actually being one.

The gender dysphoric pandemic

The correct word for what people mean by gender dysphoria would be sex dysphoria people who are dysphoric of their physical sex body.

Sometimes transsexual need mechanical intervention to relief their sex dysphoria.

Most people who are ‘trans’ aren’t transsexual as that is rare and projecting the gender dysphoria to their bodies instead should be towards society. There’s some types of transwomen who have autogynephilia (reverse heterosexuality, which is nothing wrong in of itself but alot of them are doing bad with it) are motivated by sexuality and is projecting that thing of wanting to become the opposite sex.

Gender dysphoria

A lot of people in the world have gender dysphoria some in more degree than others. 

Many movement where brought out because of gender dyshoria 

LGB because gender roles often link to heteronormative.

Feminism/Women’s rights including the ‘Terfs’ is a inherently gender dysphoric movement.

Gender criticals are inherently gender dysphoric.

What trans movement doing is conflating gender dysphoria with sex dysphoria but they are actually perpetuating gender norms.

The only gender construct that matters is identity which is woman or man because that exist to distinguish people of certain biological characteristics. “Masculinity” and “Femininity” isn’t real, they’re just many expressions boxed into one or the other enforce to people into gender roles which are by large hierarchy called patriarchy. If there is natural patterns that’s sex behavior.

Most people in the trans community aren’t bad, they’re being exploited by the people who are bad. The people who are bad are motivated to destroy children, LGB and women’s rights, depressedly under all this is essentially a men’s right movement but left wing. We need to take those men (and few women) with evil intent to account now.

Right leaning and traditional etc. people role in this whole thing. 

Conservative/traditionalist/religious people who claim to be gender critical, are most of times far from it and are in fact gender rights activist but trans critical that’s the only different between them and the bad trans people above. The trans movement is mostly a side-effect and these people are kinda the reason for it. Gender roles are toxic considering that people especially have to resort in changing their bodies for not fitting in and the gender ideology is a outlet. 

So it’s pure insanity conservative/traditionalist/religious people to keep insisting that be men masculine and women be feminine and that’s it’s all fine and fail to acknowledge, comprehend or disregard people who are gender dysphoric to those roles (feminism being the biggest example) making them seem pathological abnormalities when complaining about them. 

There’s truly a lot of people who are non-conformist but were too scared to be themselves because people like them and it has been rampant for thousand of years. They use not seeing alot of them as prove to enforce their patriarchal rhetoric.

Conclusion

What people need to talk about is their gender dysphoria (but not ideology kind) but of the roles in society. Let transsexuals be their own group without the gender nonsense in peace. We need start embracing gender non-conformity without needing to change our biological identity.

[galacticlamps]

Tagged by @the--highlanders​ ! Thanks!

How many works do you have on AO3?

13

What’s your total AO3 word count?

76,200

(oh what a nice even number - I should try to mess that up as soon as possible, shouldn’t I?)

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Aw man is this intentionally worded to be really hard to answer? I get that it says ‘written’ and not ‘posted’ but then what constitutes a ‘fandom?’ I definitely wrote fics for stuff I was interested in long before I even knew the word ‘fic’ - I did it throughout my childhood, and then in high school, and while I didn’t do it as much in college, it still happened from time to time. So a lot of the books/movies/tv shows/plays/musicals I wrote things for aren’t really fandoms, and frankly, I had to check my old folder just now to even remember some of them existed. I’ll just list the ones that I know for sure had fandoms, since that’s more fun (and embarrassing), right?

Obviously Doctor Who, classic and modern, Torchwood, Sherlock Holmes (ironically more of these seem to be about the books, but yes, I will admit, some for that tv show too), Les Mis, a couple different Marvel comics & movies, Good Omens, hell, I even found a Night Vale fic in there just now.

And I know there are other older things not even in that folder, some of which never made it to a computer at all, so if I had to ballpark a number I’d probably say around 25ish but really, who knows?

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Across the Gap

On the Spot

Expectations

Shards of Memories & Fragments of Glass

Itemized

(this was fun, I’d never noticed Ao3 even had a stats page until now lol)

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I try to! Sometimes I take a long time to do so but for the most part, I usually get around to it. The rare exception would be if I first saw the comment when I was super busy/distracted and then felt like way too much time passed before I noticed it again, that it might be awkward if I said something at that point.

I do genuinely enjoy hearing what people think, but I’m also weirdly terrified of making anyone feel like they have to reply to my comments. I know that’s probably a little strange, but it’s actually a large part of why I made this Ao3 account in the first place - my original one, from high school, is followed by some long-time friends of mine who aren’t interested in this fandom, some of whom are involved in art & writing professionally. The thought of anyone like that reading something I wrote out of friendliness or even just curiosity and potentially having to pretend they liked it for the same reasons stressed me tf out, so I like having this virtually anonymous one because I can relax knowing that anyone who reads or interacts with something I wrote has probably done so only because they wanted to, rather than feeling obligated, and there’s no pressure on them to be nice to me about it if anything I write or post annoys them - so I really hope nobody who does just know me as an anonymous blog has ever worried about offending me by not replying to something, trust me, I’m perfectly happy with it!

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I don’t think I’ve really written any angsty endings? I guess the answer would have to be Reckless just because it involves the characters arguing about sad/weighty things and there isn’t really any solution to those issues - but even then I think I ended it with a kind of acceptance that stops it from really qualifying as angst? I also set it in the the same universe as other fics, so maybe that doesn’t even count as an ending? Am I that bad at ending things on angst? Lol

Do you write crossovers? If so what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Obviously none of the fics I’ve posted are crossovers but I’m trying to think now if any of my WIP’s are - I’ve definitely poached setting/premise ideas from other media, but in terms of actual crossovers . . . I’ve got a few cross-era or cross-Doctor, a few involving Torchwood, but that’s already the same universe, so the only thing that’d qualify as a true crossover would be some vague pieces of a fic where Jamie, Zoe, and Two end up on the Enterprise, since I think the 60s series of Star Trek and Dr Who feel kind of compatible, don’t they? In fact, aren’t there like officially licensed crossover comics or something? Or did I make that up? Idk, and the ideas are very loose, so it’s not much of a WIP either

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Nope, never

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I’ve never written smut, but I’m wondering if it’s possible that could change soon. There’s a longish multi-chapter fic I’ve been working on for a frankly embarrassing amount of time, and the plot does call for a sex scene at one point towards the end, but I can’t seem to make up my mind on how - uh, I guess the word is explicit? - it should get. I know I could easily do a fade to black/implication thing, but it’s kind of a source of contention and anxiety for the characters, so to skip over writing the actual scene and just revisit them afterwards rings of “and they slept together and now everything’s fine!” which feels kinda cheap to me - in this context, anyway - and not the right payoff for a long fic that’s otherwise more of an interpersonal drama/slightly a period piece, if I had to place it in a genre. I feel like my aversion to actually writing the scene might just be prudishness I should get over, or maybe just self-doubt, because I know I’d rather have a well-written, funny, character-development-supporting sex scene than nothing at all, but since I’ve never had any interest in writing a scene like that before, I don’t know if I can do it well, and I also don’t want to ruin a fic I’m otherwise proud of by doing it badly... ugh I have to figure this out

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I seriously doubt it

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

What’s your all time favorite ship?

I mean, it’s gotta be Two & Jamie. I’ve shipped things before with varying levels of investment, but I’ve never been able to use the term ‘otp’ in a literal sense until I came across them, and now it’s already basically gone out of fashion, go figure!

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I’m not sure if I have one? My WIP doc is huge, but I don’t actually intend to get around to finishing everything in it, so I’d like to think that anything I’ve currently singled out to complete can actually get done.

That said, I do have a few AU’s that I don’t really plan to finish, but it might be cool if I could. Two of them are for all the main + some supporting characters of the Second Doctor’s era - one’s a modern day school teachers AU, and the other is a typical fantasy/fairy tale AU. Another is just Two/Jamie, based on Doctor Faustus (specifically the Marlowe play version) but right now there are two different versions of the ending coexisting in my head. I’ve written parts of scenes & some gen. backstory for all of those ideas, but I don’t know if I’ll ever try to finish them, or what form a finished product would even take - a series of one-shots set in the same universe? one long multi-chapter fic with some kind of overarching plot? And the amount of context/worldbuilding a big AU like these would require might not make them very appealing fics for people to read, so maybe it is better if I just keep them to myself, since in my head I already know what’s going on in those worlds lol.

What are your writing strengths?

I honestly don’t know. I haven’t had a creative writing class since middle school, and since then I’ve only ever shown creative writing to others in a fandom context, so it’s been a while since I’ve discussed it or gotten critical feedback. I suppose when I work in other arts or even academic writing contexts, people usually say I’m kind of insightful or at least detail oriented, which might just be another way of saying I overthink things, but I like to imagine I’m decent at finding little points of interest to expand upon.

What are your writing weaknesses?

If you’ve read this far I feel like you must know what I’m about to say: I do not know how to be concise.

Usually when I’m writing a fic, I put down the dialogue first on its own, leaving out the action of the scene and whatever plot/context led there, even if I’ve already figured all of that out. But then when I go to add those things in, they’re always longer than I wanted them to be. I don’t mind writing something long, but I don’t want my fics to be a slog to get through either, and there can be a point at which the stuff I’ve added for context overwhelms the stuff that I wanted the fic to be about in the first place, so it becomes a structural/proportion issue too. I haven’t completely given up on any fics because of this yet, but there’s one I’ve been struggling with for a couple months now - probably because I’m even second-guessing myself on which scenes need to be written out and which can just be referenced like a recap. Hopefully I figure that one out soon.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

((this is karma isn’t it? i posted a fic last week with two words of gaelic in it and was worried about that and now this is karma))

In general, I don’t want to do it. I feel like you’ve gotta have a really good grasp of a language to write dialogue & speech patterns for someone who’s a native speaker, and since I’m far from fluent in any language the characters I write for are, I wouldn’t feel confident writing any significant amount of dialogue in, say, Gaelic.

As a sidenote, though, I kinda love it when other people do it, particularly for Jamie. Irish (Gaeilge) and Scottish (Gàidhlig) are both languages I’ve wanted to learn for a long time, because my family’s fresh out of living speakers of either & I think that’s a shame, but I started with Irish and at the moment I’m still very much learning it. As different as they are, it still helps me understand parts of lyrics or texts that I come across in Gàidhlig fairly frequently, so when it comes up in a fic I get to feel like I’m being responsible and practicing, and it’s great when I can actually understand what’s being said.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I’m gonna go with Harry Potter even though that’s probably not a perfectly accurate answer - it’s almost certainly the first thing that has a fandom that I ever wrote for, but it was in a notebook when I was a kid and never something that I even typed on a computer, much less posted online or shared with other members of a fandom. But even then, I’m sure it wasn’t the first pre-existing fictional universe I ever set an original story in, because I did that a lot when I was a kid, it’s just hard to remember those clearly or on any kind of timeline.

What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

I’m very partial to Across the Gap, so I was pleasantly surprised to see that ranked first on the kudos thing above - but I’ve also got a soft spot for So Merrily We’ll Sing. It’s so self-indulgent it feels silly saying ‘it was so easy to write!’ but I guess having a fic that’s already just 100% headcaonons and fluff tied together by a song you really love does prevent it from being much of a labor (I also managed to refrain from making that one unnecessarily long, so that’s another win there)

tagging @terryfphanatics and anyone else who wants to do it - sorry I’m bad at remembering whose tumblr goes with whose Ao3 account, but I really would be interested to read this if anyone else feels like answering them!

[vampiresuns]

Aelius Anatole Radošević De Silva

Anatole has changed a bit as a character since i was around the first time, so he’s getting re introduced. His open to make friends.

art by @elizastarkart​

Name: Aelius Anatole Radoševic De Silva. He has two surnames because his mother is latina. He is a mixed Latine-Slav, with family that is all latine, vesuvian, and slavic. People he’s friend’s with call him Anatole (russian/greek pronunciation, he doesn’t acknowledge the French one). Only people he has a strictly professional relationship with, and his uncle call him Aelius.

‘Aelius’ means sun, while ‘Anatole’ means sunrise. He’s fully aware of this, he chose his name himself.

His nicknames are:

‘Nana’ is the most common nickname, and the one most people use.

His mother calls him Lilito, Nana, Nanito, Toly, Tolito, Tortolito.

His father calls him Lily or Lilu.

Toly, Tolytoly or Tolito are nicknames used by his maternal grandmother, his aunt, and his Vesuvian family.

He will not mind if you want to call him Toly, but you cannot call him Lily/Lilu if you’re not his father.

Asra came up with Nanatole, which he doesn’t like but lets Asra call him anyway. Asra also came up with Nana Banana and that is absolutely forbidden.

Family: on his father’s side both the Radošević, who are slavic (yugoslavic, specifically), and the Cassano, a prominent Vesuvian family who has had a hold of the Consulship for years.

On his mother side, the De Silva.

His father’s name is Vladislav, but everyone calls him Vlad, he’s an alchemist, a polymath, and works in what is most similar to biochemical engineering. He has one bother, named Valeriy, who you, however, might now as Valerius. Vlad’s biggest personality trait is being head over heels in love with his wife, and adoring his son more than he thought it was humanly possible to care about someone.

His mother’s name is Louisa De Silva (if you want to add her mother’s surname, it’s Lascal). The L-o-u spelling was a registry mistake she never changed. She moved half across the world while her native country suffer a military-civilian dictatorship to study Medicine. She swore never to go back as long as vestiges of said dictatorship remained in the country. She has two sisters: Paris, who lives in Vesuvia, and Alma, who remained with her parents out of her own choosing. Her medical experience include having been a volunteer war doctor. She didn’t change her surname when she got married.

The Radošević (pronounced Radozheveech) and the Cassano have been entangled families by friendship for generations upon generations, with some marriages between them. Notoriously: Vlad and Val’s father married a Cassano, Matilda, and his bother Mircea, Anatole’s great uncle, also married a Cassano: Florentino. Mircea’s brother and Matilda Cassano died when Vlad and Val were children still, so him and Florentino brought them up.

The Radošević are an overall eccentric family (think the european Addams family), whom are noted for: one, their self-sufficiency/self-preservation, which comes out in a very ‘eccentric people of the world unite’ manner. They appreciate people with character. Two, their leanings towards trades/professions, they do not conceive not doing anything (work hard to play hard). The Cassano, while sharing the quirk, they add the zest for life. It’s like they grabbed the Radošević and told them “you have forgotten how to live and we will remind you how.” Both of them are ridden with racially ambiguous bastard you cannot kill in any way that matters. They simply refuse to. Someone (either the courtiers or Lucio) compared them to roaches, they took it as a compliment.

This will tell you a lot about Anatole’s character.

On a last note, Anatole’s an only child. He has a good relationship with his parents, albeit marked by a sense of distance, solely because he was privately tutored from age 15 and on, which required him to travel a fair share. He was an argumentative teenager, but always cherished whenever he could see his parents. The older he gets, the closer they all become.

Favourite Food: Cake

Favourite drink: Coffee, in general.

Favourite Flower: Iris

Birthday: Nov 1st

Age: 29 (I calculate his age as if he had been born in 1991)

Zodiac:

Sun: Scorpio

Moon: Virgo

Rising: Libra

Mercury & Mars: Scorpio

Venus: Virgo

Patron arcana: Strength & Ace of Swords

Strength

Upright: inner strength, bravery, compassion, focus, Reversed: self doubt, weakness, insecurity      

Ace of Swords

Upright: breakthrough, clarity, sharp mind, Reversed: confusion, brutality, chaos

MBTI Type: INTJ-A

Gender: Transmasculine, but Nonbinary. Uses He/Him pronouns only

Orientation: Identifies as NBLM.

LIs: Julian, Muriel, @ilyamatic​‘s Andrico, @thelazaretmakesmesad​‘s Vishal.

“The sun-like strategist with a solution for everything, and a whole lot of hope in the future.”

More details under the cut!

Physical appearance:

art by @lesbianarcana​

5′4. As you can see in the sprite down below, while he’s slim but with muscle, out of doing a moderate to high level of physical activity. The man has a nice waist and inherited his mother’s hips, which he’s very proud of. He likes his legs and his butt the most about himself

Dark brown eyes, long eyelashes. His hair is naturally black, but he dyes it blond.

Has a mole over his right eyebrow, on the left side of the bridge of his nose, and on his left jaw. He has freckles.

An horizontal scar on his nose, which he got by getting hit with a wooden scaffold square in the face. His nose wasn’t broken out of sheer dumb luck. He has a smaller cut on his cheekbone, which was done by a fencing sabre which lacked the proper tip protection/button. It was done onto him by someone else.

The nose scar is how he met Julian before the plague, as he was the doctor which cured his face.

He has several tattoos:

Right arm: A rapier on his inner forearm. Over his elbow he has a black work band, and over it the words ‘THE SUN IS MY UNDOING’ in all caps, circling his arm.

Left arm: a snake wrapped around his forearm, near to the wrist. The Odyssey quote ‘let’s have a toast to the incompetence of our enemies’ under the inner crook of his elbow, and a floral half sleeve.

Chest and Torso: AMOR OMNIA VINCIT over where his heart is supposed to be. He has laurel leaves on the base of his waist.

Legs: ‘o serpent heart hid with a flowering face‘ in his upper, inner thigh, like really up his left inner thigh. A floral anklet on his right ankle.

Languages Spoken: Too many. He speaks nine languages.

Magic Specialities: His magic is connected to both light and languages (it is a play on words with ‘logos’) so he is both adept in photokinesis — he is able to create and manipulate sources of light — and language related magic — which includes incantation and language manipulation. He learns languages as a faster rate than most people, and while he cannot speak or literally understand a language unless he learns it, his magic allows him to intuitively grasp the meaning of words that are being spoken to him.

This capacity also makes him very good at recognising hidden intentions in people. This is not an ability that he broadcasts having, and when he later succeeds Valerius as the Consul, it is something which aids his diplomatic work but he keeps private.

His words tend to carry more weight sometimes because of his magic, something which he can’t always control — it depends on many factors — so he tries to choose his words carefully and with consideration.

His familiar is a Raccoon, named Antu.

Occupation: While he did study magic and is in touch with his magic, he studied politics, diplomacy and international relations. By trade, and out of will to help people, he is a political analyst and, later in life, a Statesman.

Personality/Trivia:

Willpower or Stubbornness? Depends how you look at it. Passionate, generally devoted, hopeful, independent and sometimes defiant. He is a people-oriented introvert. Competitive, but not aggressively so.

Smarter than he gives himself credit for. Overall charming, even debonair.

Curious by nature, hates having his decisions taken for him.

He is proper, sometimes even distinguished, but he is feral. A firm believer in being kind and compassionate with people, until you cross him one too many times, then nothing will make him taint his vindictive wrath.

Is he humble? For the most part. His humbleness comes from knowing his own limits and knowing he’s not infallible. He does have, however, a good deal of pride in himself and trust in what he can do, and he doesn’t like being underestimated.

He’s not particularly loud, though when the chatterbox is on, then it is on, specially if he’s nervous. He is often never still. 

He’s known he has ADHD since he was seventeen.

Likes dancing.

He fences, almost every Radošević fences/sword fights, and he will let you know at the slightest chance. Which can be either him simply being hyper-fixated in fencing, him flirting, or him letting you know that if the occasion rises, he’s armed.

Friend shaped, lover shaped if you’re daring enough.

He wrinkles his nose when he doesn’t like something.

Speaking of which: he doesn’t like abuse of power, the Court, injustice, supremacists of any kind, unkind, hurtful and selfish people in general; he doesn’t like red meat (he says it tastes like metal or dirt), narrow minded people, incompetence, specially when displayed by people in positions of power, and purposeful apathy.

A mastermind archetype, but he draws his power from connection. He does not conceive a life not lived with others.

A bit of a bastard, he enjoys a good laugh.

He plays the piano and the harp, he sings, he cannot draw, he’s a lightweight when it comes to alcohol (which doesn’t really stop him), he likes the opera because he likes watching other people’s drama without being dragged into it, and his favourite season is winter. Also likes playing chess, reading, coffee, flowers, a well tailored outfit, learning, languages, the sea, mysteries, winter, a well laid argument, collecting quills, music, winning, knowing he loves and is loved in return.

When he was 7 he bribed his dad for more dessert, and he ate so much he vomited. His sweet tooth hasn’t gone anywhere, it is alive and well.

Perceptive little bastard, will knife cat you for the sake of it. He has a way more present sense of humour than what he comes across.

Would call himself a ‘trans masculine Mary Poppins’.

He is closest to his parents, his uncle, my other ocs Leonore, Medea and Sabine, his cousins Amparo Cassano and Milenko Radošević, Natiqa, Asra, Portia and Nadia.

If he liked women, he would be paired with Nadia. The possibility both terrifies and fascinates me.

@ilyamatic​, @viviae​, @gaybirdwrites​, @arcanaprentiss​ @apprenticeofcups​

[riversofmars]

Sorry for the delay folks, rl responsibilies eating into precious writing time! But here we are, all pieces moving into place as we head for the final showdown, just a few more chapters! Hope you enjoy this one <3

Chapter 13: The Bells

“I’m sorry, Missy…“ Missy couldn’t tell if the regret in Clara’s voice was genuine or not. She was still struggling to catch up with what was happening.

“What are you…“ She stared at the heavy metal cuff Clara had snapped around her wrist. She had been so naive. She should have known Clara had had an ulterior motive when she had asked her here.

“This is my chance to prove myself.“ Clara replied giving her a half smile as she stepped away. It had been a cheap trick, asking for Missy’s help, using the connection they shared. Clara wasn’t exactly sure what exactly their relationship was, Missy had never given her much of an indication one way or another but they had something of a connection. And of course it was something the Emperor was only to happy to exploit once he found out about it. So here they were.

“You don’t have to do this.“ Missy said softly. “I should never have… you don’t need him, just come with me instead. Let me go and…“

“I think it’s a bit late for that.“ Clara cut in, her voice surprisingly bitter. “Just tell him what he wants to know.“

“What is this?“ Missy raised her arm with the cuff but before Clara could answer, the teleport engaged and the world around her disappeared.

Moments later, Missy materialised in a sort of tube. She needed a moment to orient herself. She stumbled out grasping for air and found herself in a dusty stone-walled room. She looked around for clues as to where she was but she couldn’t figure it out. She had been transported somewhere but where? She bent down and gathered a handful of dust from the floor, letting it run through her fingers as she looked around.

“I know you’re responsible for this, Emperor!“ She called into the quiet, just on the off chance someone as listening. Clara has said to tell him what he wanted to know… Whatever she was, she knew it was on the Emperor’s orders. Up ahead a door slid open by itself and Missy tentatively made her way out of the room. “The equipment in that room is consistent with an augmented ultra long-range teleport. So, I'm not more than a single light year from where I was, and I'm in the same time zone.“ She mused out loud as she looked down the empty corridor. There were windows now too and she stuck her head out. All she could see were very high towers, this appeared to be some kind of castle.

“Come on, chop chop, I’ve just been betrayed by the person I thought could help me put an end to you, my day can’t get much worse, let’s see about yours!“ Missy called out but there was no reply. If the Emperor was watching, he wasn’t inclined to talk. That was when she noticed the screens along the walls and she realised something was following her. She set off down the corridor but quickly found herself at a dead end, the last door revealing solid stone behind it. She turned round and found herself facing a hunched over creature, she couldn’t see its face if it even had one, just two pronged hands extending towards her and flies circling around it like they might around a corpse.

“I can’t actually see a way out of this… maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, to just stop running, we’re all done for aren’t we…“ Missy swallowed as she contemplated the futility of her fight against the Emperor. She had been trying for so long and even using Clara had backfired. Maybe it was time she gave up the ghost. She wasn’t sure what would happen when the creature got to her but it certainly felt like death was stalking towards her.

“This is new. I'm scared. I just realised that I'm actually scared of dying.“ She admitted and suddenly, the creature stopped in it’s tracks.

“Something I said? What did I say?“ She mumbled as even the flies froze in mid air. “Why did you stop?“ Suddenly, there was creaking and banging and the castle started to move. The wall behind the door moved aside and Missy quickly stepped into the adjoining room.

Everything after that was a fight for survival and a quest for answers. What was this place? Why had she been brought here? And was there a way out? It didn’t take her long to realise this was a sort of torture chamber, specially designed for her. Exactly the sort of thing the Emperor would dream up. Everything, from the appearance of the stalking creature to the screens on the walls was designed to scare her. An automated haunted house, a mechanical maze.

It took a few more encounters with the creature until she realised that it was the revelation of secrets that stopped it and made the castle reset. That was also when she realised there was just one truth, one secret, she held that the Emperor would care about. One last victory that had eluded him for so long. She couldn’t possibly tell him. Protecting Gallifrey was the last thing she could do at this point and she was determined to do so.

When she finally encountered the wall of Azbantium that separated her from the outside world, the penny dropped at last. She would find a way out, even if it took a while. She’d done this before and she would do it again. She had been following her own breadcrumbs the entire time, she realised. There was a way out. And she would keep going, even if it was futile, even if it was just out of spite, she wouldn't let the Emperor break her.

As Missy smashed her fist into the wall she thought back to the moment that brought her here. Clara’s betrayal. She only had herself to blame. She was only grateful not to be able to remember all of this. Every time, every circle around, it was like the first time. It was only when she saw the stars that she realised how long it had actually been. But now she was so close to escaping. She smashed her fist into the unforgiving crystal and finally, four and a half billion years later, the wall crumbled.

The bright light of the binary suns blinded her, Missy needed a moment to orient herself. She blinked until finally, in the distance, the towers of the capital came into sharp focus and Missy felt her hearts lift with joy. Gallifrey. She was home at last and safe. She had escaped the Emperor’s torture chamber which, as she turned around, folded back in on itself and turned back into her confessionary dial. She bent down to pick it up but froze when suddenly, the noise of a TARDIS materialising sounded behind her.

——

“You’re not sleeping, are you.“ Missy rolled onto her side on the uncomfortable mattress. She was glad that both her and the Doctor were petite, else they would have had no space at all, but the Doctor was still close enough to keep her up with her fidgeting.

“Nope…“ The Doctor admitted and turned towards Missy. She had accepted that they had to get some rest but her brain simply refused.

“Why not?“ Missy asked though she could think of a thousand reasons to have sleepless nights.

“I feel like I’m missing something…“ The Doctor explained, slightly annoyed with herself.

“If you’re looking for a magical solution, Doctor, there isn’t one.“ Missy gave her a sad smile but the Doctor shook her head.

“That’s not it…“

“Then what?“ Missy frowned.

“Clara…“ The Doctor mused and lay back on her bed, staring up at the makeshift ceiling. “She doesn’t fit in.“

“What makes you say that?“ Missy asked, pushing herself up on her elbows.

“With the Ponds and River here… she’s the odd one out.“ The Doctor explained. Having witnessed the animosity between the Pond family and Clara, she hadn’t been able to shake the feeling that she didn’t really belong there. “When I bumped into my Clara, I was alone so I needed someone to travel with me… but in this universe the TARDIS would have been rather crowded already… So why did they ask her along if they don’t like her?“ The question had been bugging her for a while now.

“I don’t see how it matters.“ Missy replied in an off-hand sort of way that gave the Doctor pause.

“What’s your history with Clara?“ She frowned looking over to her.

“What makes you think I have…“ Missy started but the Doctor interrupted her:

“In my universe, you were responsible for bringing us together.“

“I see…“ Missy sighed.

“In my universe, Missy thought Clara and I would bring out the worst in each other, that we were two parts of an ancient prophecy about throwing the universe into chaos. Did you… do you have anything to do with Clara being with the Emperor?“ The Doctor sat up now. She could tell from the way Missy avoided her eyes that she was on to something.

“It was a stupid idea, it backfired…“ Missy knew she couldn’t lie to her but she didn’t exactly want to talk about it either.

“What were you trying to accomplish?“ The Doctor asked shaking her head a little to herself.

“Same as what you just said… I thought she would… destabilise them. Their relationships, their…“ Missy gestured a little but she didn’t really have the words. It had been stupid. “I thought it was working but then…“

“She fell in love with the Emperor as well, she betrayed you and gained her trust like that, didn’t she.“ The Doctor was quick at putting the pieces together and Missy laughed a little. She couldn’t help but be impressed.  

“How did you figure that out?“ She asked.

“You seemed genuinely concerned that she would get herself killed with whatever she’s planning.“ The Doctor explained. Missy’s opinion on Clara’s plan hadn’t gone unnoticed. “You care about her at least a tiny bit.“

“That really has no baring on anything anymore, that was a long time ago.“ Missy waved it off.

“How long?“ The Doctor asked as a disturbing thought occurred to her.

“Sorry?“ Missy frowned.

“How long ago was that for you? Cause there is something else that’s been bugging me…“ The Doctor said and Missy sat up as well, she could tell neither of them would be getting any sleep tonight.

“What’s that?“

“Why are you here, Missy?“ The Doctor tilted her head, trying to get the measure of her.

“I told you, to help people…“ Missy didn’t understand why she was asking again.

“No, I mean here, of all places, on Gallifrey. Where you’re right under her nose and she could kill you if she wanted to. Like you’ve said before, there is nothing we can do here, no resources, the royal guards just there, the Quantum Shade… you have no wiggle room. So why not go somewhere where the Emperor’s influence is less… and start your resistance there? It’s what I would have done…“ The Doctor went on to explain.

“Why did you ask how long it’s been for me?“ Missy circled back to her original question.

“Because I think there is nowhere else to go. We’re at the end of time, aren’t we.“ The Doctor revealed her suspicion and Missy’s eyes widened in surprise.

“How do you know that? Not many people do.“

“It seems like a lot of the events that happened to me also happened here, just differently.“ The Doctor realised and got to her feet. She couldn’t sit still anymore. Missy had been through some of the same things she had. “I think if I knew more about everybody’s personal history, maybe I would be able to understand them a little better to make a plan… In my universe Gallifrey was hiding away at the end of time in a reality bubble too, I know because I went there the long way around…“ She looked back to Missy. “So how did you get here, Missy? Where is your TARDIS?“

“I don’t have a TARDIS anymore, Doctor, I didn’t time travel here… but it sounds like you know exactly how I got here.“ Missy gave her a sad smile.

“I’m so sorry, Missy…“ The Doctor didn’t know what else to say.

“I’d rather not talk about it.“ Missy shook her head, she didn’t want to dwell on it.

“Right okay… so when the Emperor calls themselves ruler of the universe, it’s really just Gallifrey, is it?“ The Doctor decided to focus her energies on something productive, rather than dwelling on the misery of the past.

“In this timezone, yes. Keeps her safe from any sort of uprising I suppose, when all other races are dead.“ Missy replied.

“But when I first met her, she’d been to Sontar, there was still blood on her hands…“ The Doctor frowned.

“The Empire doesn’t just exist in space but also time, Doctor.“ Missy swung her legs out of bed, sitting up on the side properly. “Here, in this time, the universe is pretty much over. Gallifrey is the perfect fortress, perfectly safe when so few are able to travel in time anymore.“ She explained. “The generals watch the time streams. Whenever any civilisation that she’s conquered diverges from its predetermined course of obedience she can just jump into her TARDIS, arrive early, and set things right.“

“Right…“ It was the perfect set up, pretty fool proof. The Doctor started pacing, trying to find something useful in the new information.

“She thinks of everything. We can’t go anywhere because there is nowhere to go and without time travel…“ Missy shrugged. “And even if we had it, the Council would be on us like a hawk. Not that anyone can fly her TARDIS anyway…“

“That’s it! That’s where we need to start, Missy, you’re brilliant!“ The Doctor exclaimed as an idea struck. She hadn’t paid enough attention to the world around her. Picking up on the things that were different but also those that were the same or reversed. A plan was forming in her head.

“What?“ Missy had no idea what she was talking about.

“I have an idea Missy, and I need you to trust me. It’s a bit risk but I think this could work. I think I’ve worked this place out at last.“ The Doctor turned to her, full of excitement.

“You’re not making any sense, Doctor.“ Missy chuckled, marvelling at her endless positivity.

“You’re gonna hate this but I’m gonna need to get back into the palace.“ The Doctor gave her an apologetic smile.

“Doctor…“ Missy sighed, it was a terrible idea.

“Gonna need a change of clothes too, and a way in that they won’t expect…“ The Doctor carried on. Suddenly, in the far off in the distance, a bell tolled and both of them froze.

“That’s…“ Missy got to her feet unsettled.

“A Cloister Bell…“ The Doctor nodded, recognising the distinctive sound.

“They only toll when disaster is drawing near…“ Missy said and the Doctor, despite everything, smiled.

“I just thought of a way to get us back into the palace.“

“Us?“ Missy raised her eyebrows.

“Oh yes, you’re coming with me. I will explain on the way!“

——

Drowsily River rolled over in bed, pulling the covers closer around herself. She was cold, falling asleep naked and sweaty, her body had cooled out. She stretched her hand out, looking for her wife to cuddle into her for some warmth but the bed was cold beside her. Sleepily River sat up, slowly she was coming to her senses, her eyes adjusting to the darkness. Her wife’s side of the bed was empty.

“Sweetie?“ She called into the darkness but no response. She swung her legs out of bed and nearly tripped as she got up in her sleepy state but her wife’s absence alarmed her. She found her balance after a few steps and grabbed her dressing gown from the chair by her dresser. “Sweetie?“ She called again, worry sweeping through her, as she walked into the adjoining room. Her eyes fell on the TARDIS, the door slightly ajar. She walked to the door and pushed it open. She breathed a sigh of relief when she found her wife sitting by the console, tinkering with bolts, screws and cogs.

“Is everything okay, Sweetie?“ River asked and the Emperor looked up surprised, she hadn’t noticed her coming in.

“Sorry, did I wake you?“ The Emperor gave an apologetic smile.

“I just turned round and you weren’t there, I got worried…“ River admitted, pulling her nightgown closer around herself feeling cold still.

“Just thinking…“ The Emperor replied giving a dismissive wave to the equipment around her. River smiled a little. Her wife used to do this a lot. When she had a problem to solve, she would retreat into her TARDIS and fix or make things, it helped her focus.

“Is everything okay? Something I can help with?“ River asked.

“Everything is fine.“ The Emperor said getting to her feet.

“And yet you can’t sleep.“ River observed. She clearly was worried about whatever Clara and the Doctor could be up to. Before the Emperor could respond, a bell tolled in the distance and they both froze. “Was that…“

“A Cloister Bell. They haven’t rung in years…“ The Emperor was halfway out the TARDIS before River could even respond. “We are in much greater danger than we realise.“ This was proof that the nagging thoughts, the undercurrent of worry, she had been feeling, were justified.

“Something must be happening.“ River agreed as she followed. The Emperor was already throwing clothes on.

“I'm going to go see the Council.“ She said pulling on trousers quickly. “You stay here.“ She insisted when River went looking for clothes as well.

“But…“ River looked around confused. She had never told her to stay behind before. She tried her best not to feel hurt.

“Seriously, don’t argue.“ The Emperor interrupted her buttoning up her shirt in a hurry. “I need to know you’re safe, you stay here.“

——

“What was that?“ Yaz demanded to know entering with palace’s security office. Ryan and Graham were following close behind. It was the middle of the night, there were off duty, but the entire city had heard the bell.  

“A Cloister Bell, Ma’am.“ One of the officers on duty answered as they all jumped to their feet saluting.

“They have been silent for years, give me eyes on the Cloisters.“ She demanded as she stepped up to the screens.

“The sliders are getting increasingly more active. They’re sensing something is wrong, something is going to happen.“ Graham observed as they brought up footage from the Cloisters on the screens. Shapes were moving among the shadows and the fog.

“This is not a coincidence.“ Ryan agreed.

“I’m going to take a team down there. Find out what’s going on.“ Yaz decided. They had to find out what was going on. It was as good a place as any to start.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? No-one that goes into the Cloisters comes back out.“ Graham grabbed her arm as she walked past them.

“Legend says there is a hidden exit into the city, it could be how the Doctor is getting about. I’m going to check it out.“ Yaz shook him off. They had to find the Doctor. “In the meantime, one of you inform the Emperor and keep guard, the other keep an eye on Clara Oswald.“

——

“What is going on?“ The Emperor burst into the Council chamber with purpose and determination. The Cloisters indicated this was the greatest threat they had faced in years and she wasn’t about to let anything jeopardise her reign.

“Emperor…“ The generals had gathered upon her command, some only filing in after her, some still fumbling with the buttons of their council robes. She wasn’t impressed.

“Wake up you mumbling fools, a Cloister Bell has rung, what is going on?“ She smashed her hand onto the table for emphasis. “You are tasked with protecting the Empire, what is going on? Are we under attack?“

“Nothing, as far as we can tell. Everything is quiet, no unexpected developments across the time streams…“ One of the council members spoke up. “The city is quiet as well, since you went amongst the people, they have grown more… respectful.“

“Are you absolutely sure?“ The Emperor pressed on focusing on him. He seemed to be wide awake at least in comparison to some of the others. They took turns with the night shifts, there was no need for everyone to be present all the time.

“See for yourself Emperor, the time streams are quite, your personal guards have taken it upon themselves to see if anything is the matter in the Cloisters themselves.“ Another general spoke up and by raising his hands from the table, he brought the readings up into the air for everyone to see.

“Things might not be happening yet but they will. The Bells are a warning, foreboding, prophecy…“ The Emperor mumbled leaning onto the table observing the time streams herself. They were right, everything looked completely normal so it had to be something happening here, on Gallifrey. Perhaps it wasn’t such a good idea to wait for Clara to make her move after all.

“If you’re concerned about something happening, we can postpone tomorrow’s celebrations?“ Another general suggested.

“No. That would be a sign of weakness.“ She shook her head vehemently. “Everything will go ahead as planned…“ She straightened herself up again and a thought occurred to her. “In fact, not as planned. Round up ten civilians that have acted out in some way. And Missy. I want Missy.“ She decided.

“What for?“ Another council member asked, sounding concerned.

“Is it any of your business?!“ The Emperor snapped glaring at him. She couldn’t stand people questioning an order.

“I just meant if we should organise anything else or…“ He carried on in a small voice averting his eyes.

“Just do as you’re told.“ She growled. “I’ll be in my quarters, if there is only the slightest change or cause for concern, I expect to be informed.“

——

“You’ve done this before…“ Missy mumbled as they pressed themselves to a pillar to avoid a cloister wraith that headed in their direction.

“So have you…“ The Doctor observed with a smile. “I’m beginning to think we have a lot more in common than I realised. I think you lived through some of the same things I have, our roles are reversed in some ways.“ She explained as they waited for the wraith to move past. She had been so focused on wrapping her head around her own situation, she hadn’t really stopped to think about the history of the people she encountered.

“So it seems…“ Missy agreed. As she looked back at the Doctor she felt unsettled. They had dressed her to look like the Emperor and it was unnerving.

“About the confessionary dial…“ The Doctor said quietly as they carried on. “I came the long way around too…“ They ducked behind another pillar. “What kept you going? There was this moment when I realised what had been done to me, what they were trying to do… and I was about to give up…“ In a way, knowing Missy had been through the same thing as her, allowed her to talk about it for the first time.

“But then you realised you couldn't just let them win. You had to keep going.“ Missy agreed with a small smile as they carried on.

“Who were you doing it for?“ The Doctor asked.

“Myself? I knew I had to be better than this. I couldn’t let her win.“ Missy shrugged.

“I guess you’re right… I thought I… I thought I was doing it for Clara at the time, she had just died and I wanted to find a way to save her, so I had to get out of there… but now, I just think I wanted her to be proud of me. I wanted to be the Doctor. And I couldn't let the bad guys win.“ The Doctor answered after brief consideration.

“So here we are, braving the Cloisters.“ Missy chuckled. “But at least you know what you’re doing it for.“

“Not just for River, if that’s what you think. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had already managed to find a way out of her predicament, she doesn't need me to look after her, not really. I’m doing it for the same reason as you.“ The Doctor felt the need to explain.

“Cause we can’t let the bad guys win.“ Missy smiled and reached out for the Doctor’s hand. “I am so glad that I met you, even if we never should have, not really… I’m really very grateful that you are here, whether we succeed or not.“ She gave her hand a squeeze and the Doctor smiled.

Suddenly up ahead the wraiths grew more agitated. In the distance they saw an elevator door slide open, revealing several royal guards, weapons drawn.

“Right, let’s see what’s going on down here.“ The Doctor recognised Yaz’s voice immediately and she pulled Missy behind a pillar.

The Cloister Bells tolled again.

——

River was pacing their quarters, she couldn’t sit still. The situation was unnerving. There was no way you could go back to sleep so she had gotten dressed instead. She could just go to find her wife, this was ridiculous. There was no immediate danger.

“Right, that’s it.“ She huffed getting fed up and made her way to the bedroom. She walked to her dresser where, among other things, she kept her gun. It had been a while since she’d last made use of it but she appreciated her wife’s concern for her safety. It couldn’t hurt to carry it.

She was just exchanging the battery pack, when she heard the door to their quarters open. Her wife returning at last, she thought, as she breathed a sigh of relief.

“In the bedroom!“ She called out and put the gun back on the dresser.

“That’s quite the invitation… Mind you, I’ve always been curious what it would be like to sleep with myself.“

River whirled around and found herself face to face with an exactly copy of herself. In the distance, another bell tolled.

[foxienix]

Kitsune Challenge

Have you ever played or watched someone else play the Not So Berry or Legacy Challenge. Do you want to try out a new spin on the challenge? Maybe you’re a fan of the more furry type of sims.  Do you enjoy trying fun challenges that test your limits? Maybe you enjoy starting off with barely anything and working your way up. Then this is the challenge for you. This challenge is similar to the Legacy challenge, but also different.

Welcome to the Kitsune Challenge, thirteen generations with a focus on new experiences. 

Ten generations, different personalities, and a new goal to complete with each generation.

(Inspired by The Legacy Challenge created by PInStar and Not So Berry Challenge created by lilsimsie )

GAMEPLAY SETUP

To begin the Kitsune Challenge, you should begin a new game in a new world. Do this by selecting the + at the top of the main menu and selecting New Game. This brings you to Create a Sim (CAS).

Your Challenge begins in Create-a-Sim (CAS). Here you will make the first sim who will be the founder of the family. It can be a male or female, the only thing is the must be a furry sim. You can choose what type of animal you want the sims to be. 

After you finish up in CAS the next part begins, moving in. Start by picking an empty 50x50 lot. Locate a 50 x 50 or larger lot and bulldoze it, evicting the family present if there is one. Move your founder into it. You will be able to upgrade homes once you reach 10,000 simoleons. NO money cheats.

RULES

1} You can not restart if something unfortunate happens. Instead, think of ways you can fix the issue and turn it around to produce a solution.

2} No cheats that give you an unfair advantage in the game. It defeats the purpose of it being a challenge.

3} Turn normal aging on, you cannot bring anyone back from the dead. However, you may plead with the Grim Reaper or have ghosts.

4} You can only control the household with the founder or heir. You can not move out the heir, but you can move out of the remaining children who are not heirs.

5} You can move in your spouse and their household funs, but ONLY if their funds are below 3,000.

6} The founder no matter who they are must-have the Big Happy Family Aspiration. They are allowed to have a job/career.

7} You can age up toddler if they have reached at least level 3 in all skills. 

________________________________________________________

Generation One: Peach

You are the Heaven Kitsune, considered a good omen and gaurdian, as well as being known for helping others. You’re a caring Doctor that really loves the color white. You take your career seriously, but also take the time to give back to the community. 

Aspiration: Big Happy Family

Career: Doctor

Traits: Good, Family-Oriented, Neat

Rules

Master Doctor Career & complete Big Happy Family aspiration

Master Logic skill

Get married after completing your career

Live in Windenburg

________________________________________________________

Generation Two: Black

You are the Void Kitsune also known as Nogitsune. Known for being a trickster, the outcast of the family. You are the opposite of your parents and would prefer to cause chaos to others rather than help them. Isn’t that close to their child.

Aspiration: Public Enemy

Career: Secret Agent 

Traits: Evil, Kleptomaniac, Slob

Rules

Master Secret Agent Career & Public Enemy aspiration

Be despised by 10 sims

Have only one child

Live in Forgotten Hollow

Master the Fitness skill

________________________________________________________

Generation Three: Grey

You are the Wind Kitsune, known for being mischievous types. Like your parents they enjoy making others miserable. They will take any opportunity to ruin your day. You didn’t get much affection as a child, so you take it out on others.

Aspiration: Chief of Mischief

Career: Criminal

Traits: Mean, Snob, Self-Absorbed.

Rules

Master Criminal Career & Chief of Mischief aspiration

Master Mischief Skill

Live in San Myshuno

________________________________________________________

Generation Four: White

You are the Spirit Kitsune. Your life will be quite different from the rest of your families. Your journey begins after you die. As a spirit kitsune you must go through your life as a ghost and only be revived one your journey is done.

Aspiration: Angling Ace

Career: Fisherman

Traits: Angler, Moody, Genius

Rules

Master Fisherman Career & Angling Ace aspiration

Master Fishing and Cooking skills

Live in Willow Creek

Revive with ambrosia after mastering everything

Have 2 children

________________________________________________________

Generation Five: Red

You are the Fire Kitsune. A confident romantic. Passion burned through your veins like a flame. You are career driven, and charismatic. You have the aura of a leader.

Aspiration: Leader of the Pack

Career: Critic

Traits: Perfectionist, Romantic, Self Assured

Rules

Master Critic Career & Leader of the Pack aspiration

Master Charisma skill

Live in Strangerville

________________________________________________________

Generation Six: Dark Orange

You are the Earth Kitsune. Protecting and preserving the earth is your life mission. Watching as others do nothing but destroy it. You work hard in order to revive Earth to what it once was.

Aspiration: Eco Innovator

Career: Civic Planner

Traits: Green Fiend, Good, Recycle Disciple

Rules

Master Eco Innovator Aspiration and Civic Planner Career

Live in Evergreen Harbor

Branch into Green Techinican 

Have two children

Master Fabrication skill

________________________________________________________

Generation Seven: Blue

You are the River Kitsune. You’re in the business of saving lives. Scouring the waters for those in need of your assistance. You love animals You love your home and the people in it. 

Aspiration: Friend of the Animals

Career: Life Guard

Traits: Child of the Island, Glutton, Dog Lover

Rules

Master Friend of the Animals aspiration & Life Guard Career

Master the writing skill

Live in Brindleton Bay

________________________________________________________

Generation Eight: Royal Blue

You are the Ocean Kitsune. You hate to see the island and ocean litered with trash from those who don’t care to keep the environment safe. Your parents taught you the value of keeping your community clean.

Aspiration: Beach Life

Career: Conservastionist

Traits: Child of the Ocean, Ambitios, Outgoing

Rules

Master the Conservationist career & Beach Life aspiration

Live in Sulani

Have three children

Master the Herbalism skill

________________________________________________________

Generation Nine: Brown

You are the Mountain Kitsune. You prefer to be alone most of the time. You enjoy exploring, checking out the sights and enjoying all that Mt. Komorebi has to offer.

Aspiration: Mt. Komorebi Sightseer

Career: Salesperson

Traits: Adventurous, Love Outdoors, Loner

Rules

Master Salesperson Career & Sightseer aspiration. 

Master the Rock Climbing Skill

Live in Mt. Komorebi

________________________________________________________

Generation Ten: Green

You are the Forest Kitsune. You enjoying gardening. Creating life and restoring the forest. You’re a bit of a geek, but that’s okay. You care for the greener things in life. 

Aspiration: Freelance Botanist

Career: Gardener

Traits: cheerful, geek, vegetarian

Rules

Master the Gardener career & Freelance Botanist aspiration

Master the gardening & flower arranging skill

Live in Glimmerbrook

Complete the frog collection

________________________________________________________

Generation Eleven: Yellow

You are the Thunder Kitsune.

Aspiration: The Curator

Career: Painter

Traits: clumsy, art lover, squeamish

Rules

Live in Oasis Springs

Master the painting career and Curator aspiration

Master the painting skill

Complete the postcard collection

________________________________________________________

Generation Twelve: Pink

You are the Time Kitsune:

Aspiration: Renaissance Sim

Career: Education

Traits: lazy, book worm, cat lover

Rules

Master Education Career & the Renaissance sim aspiration

Live in Newcrest

Master at least three skills

________________________________________________________

Generation Thirteen: Purple

You are the Music Kitsune.

Aspiration: Musical Genius

Career: Entertainer

Traits: music lover, dance machine, creative

Rules

Master the Entertainer career & Musical Genius aspiration

Live in Del Sol Valley 

Master dance & singing skill

Learn to play at least three instruments

[scariusaquarius]

headaches.

Thorin Oakenshield x Reader, John Porter x Reader, John Thornton x Reader

-

A/n: love you so much, my darlin @fizzyxcustard! I decided to indulge you and make this a compilation of headcanons <3

-

Genre: Romance, Fluff Rated: General Warning: Fluff, Headaches, Anxiety

-

Author: dabisburntnut

-

Thorin Oakenshield Taking Care of His S/O w/Headaches Would Include...

Thorin is a very attentive and detail-oriented person, so if you’re not feeling well, Thorin will be able to tell pretty quickly. 

Thorin knows a lot about headaches, especially headaches brought on by stress and tension. Being a king can be very stressful at times, and it’s hard to keep a whole entire kingdom happy, as well as deal with the shenanigans of his immediate kin. So, Thorin will have headaches from time-to-time. 

Since he often has headaches, Thorin knows how to deal with them. He’ll draw the curtains to the room, lower the intensity of the lamps that are burning in the room, and make you tea with some special roots that Oin had given to him for when Thorin gets his headaches. 

Thorin will make you stay lying down and stop working, even if you protest it. Thorin doesn’t want you making your headache any worse, and he will be damned if he lets himself get swayed by your cute puppy eyes.

He will sit behind you and gently massage your temples and head to help relieve your straining and tense muscles within your head, hoping to help. If it doesn’t, Thorin will stop, but if it does help, then expect Thorin to hold you close for a few good minutes. 

If your headaches are induced by anxiety or teeth grinding, Thorin will definitely try to find ways to help alleviate your anxiety. He’ll probably ask Oin for ways to alleviate teeth-grinding as well, but that’s something Thorin would definitely have to ask about, as he doesn’t know much about teeth-grinding

Overall, Thorin just wants the best for you, and though there are some aspects about health that he doesn’t really know about, headaches are something that he knows too well and will help you with no matter what. He wants to make sure you are comfortable and hates to see you in pain. 

John Porter Taking Care of His S/O w/ Headaches Would Include...

John is also someone who knows headaches, but maybe not as much as Thorin or Thornton. John is usually a pretty collected person, and not a lot really gets to him (as his job really calls for his patience and rationale). However, even though John doesn’t get many headaches does not mean that he doesn’t know how to deal with them when they happen.

Like Thorin, John would draw the curtains, turn off all of the lights, make you stop working for a bit, and make you relax. He’ll get you some pain medicine, might even make you some tea (or some herbal shit that his elderly next-door neighbor once gave to him) and give you a cold compress to put onto your head. 

John might honestly already know about your anxiety because one: he’s very VERY detail-oriented. Probably a lot more than Thorin, as part of John’s job as a Section 20 agent is to collect any and all information that he can get; pay attention to his surroundings and notice any changes. So, because of how observational John is, he might already know that you have anxiety and might even ask you if you think your anxiety medication is what is causing your headaches. 

If you tell him that you have a tendency to grind your teeth, John will probably offer to take you to a doctor or dentist to look at different anxiety medications or look into mouth guards for when you’re sleeping or when you are working and so in-the-zone that you don’t notice you’re grinding your teeth. 

No matter what you choose, John will respect your decision, even if he doesn’t like it. He’ll definitely tell you that it might be better to do this, this, and this, but ultimately, he’ll do what you want to do and respect it. 

John knows that only you know what is best for you, and he’ll stay by your side the whole time. Do expect him to be affectionate with you though. 

John Thornton Taking Care of His S/O w/Headaches Would Include...

Mr. Thornton is going to be the most pampering out of them all, most definitely. Even though Thorin and Porter are affectionate people, I don’t think there’s a tenderness within them that John Thornton just naturally exudes. He’s extremely gentle and extremely kind, and he does tend to get headaches at time, especially because of his overworking tendencies. 

Just like the other two, John will do all of the same as they did, but he’ll ask the doctor for help and ask the doctor to teach him how to administer medicine so he can take care of you when the doctor is unavailable. Because of that, he will administer medicine to you himself. It’s a duty thing as well as ‘i’m the man and I must take care of my loved one’ thing, so he’ll definitely be there with you when it comes time to take medicine. 

John will make sure to call the doctor in every few days, just to get updates and see how you are faring and maybe even try to figure out what exactly is causing your headaches. 

If the doctor is able to find that the cause might be teeth-grinding, he might reccomend using a soft material to place into your mouth while you sleep. (A terrible solution, honestly, but it’s an actual thing they used during the 1800s for mouthguards)

John will definitely lie in bed with you when you’re lying in bed, holding your hand and making sure that you’re not in pain at all. He’s a mother hen, honestly, this poor oaf. He worries a lot, so he’ll probably honestly get a bit frustrated at times, but don’t ever think it’s at you. John just wants you to be better and not in pain, and knowing that there really isn’t much that he can do for you other than give you medicine and hope for the best. 

He’ll cook you dinner to the best of his ability, but his mother will definitely be the cook on most nights. She knows what foods are best for things like this, so Hannah will give John a lot of recipes that are headache-relieving. 

Tagging: @fizzyxcustard​ @aspookybunny​ @daisy-picking-lady​ @narnvaeron​ (I can’t remember if you asked to be on my tag list, but if you didn’t, i’m sorry!)

[hvandenbrg]

Have you seen HARRY VANDENBERG? This THIRTY-SEVEN year old is a TROPHY HUSBAND who resides in MANHATTAN. HE has been living in NYC for TWO YEARS, and is known to be EMPATHETIC and PROTECTIVE but can also be RECKLESS and VOLATILE, if you cross them.  People tend to associate them with EXTREME SPORTS and GREEN SMOOTHIES.

I’M BACK BABEYYYY. i bet y’all thought you’d seen the last of me!! but... here i am! harry’s bio has changed a little bit so feel free to check it out if you want! other than that i am excited to be back and happy to be able to write with you all again! 

thank you so much for all the support and the patience you’ve given me these past few months. y’all are the best, and i love you with all my heart. 

about —

full name: harry bram vandenberg age: 37 birthday: august 9, 1983 (leo) sexual orientation: heterosexual gender: cis male pronouns: he/his

bio — tw: injury, infertility, cheating, pregnancy

harry has a younger brother and a half sister. his parents divorced when he was young, his father re-married and had one more kid, a girl. there was no drama between his parents, though… at least as far as the children could tell. they were civil in front of them, which is what mattered. harry and his siblings have always been friendly, even if the youngest wasn’t around as often — mostly because his mother didn’t want her around the house much. understandable, yes, but harry and his brother still managed to spend an ungodly amount of time with her growing up.

he was born in brighton, england (his parents were on a ‘last vacation before the baby comes’, and he just happened to be born during said vacation) but was raised in london. besides the abnormal family dynamic, harry had a decent experience growing up. decent in the sense that he often got himself in trouble for staying out too late, getting into fights — because he liked it. not that he was a bad kid, but he had an issue with constant boredom, which he learned to let out in strange ways such as those. in his teens, he decided to skip sixth form and join the british army as an infantry soldier.

still young and lacking tons of experience with real life, harry started a relationship with his neighbor — the girl who’d been his best friend ever since she’d moved next door. truthfully, as his mother had once said, it was only a matter of time until they started a relationship. and harry’s embarrassed protests eventually led to their marriage a year later.

it was a good marriage. they got along pretty well and loved each other pretty much. they had a flat in london where they lived. however, things began to get complicated when harry was deployed to afghanistan for a year, and after a lot of rigorous training, he got selected to join the special reconnaissance regiment — a promotion that posed a legitimate threat on his life. and this, in turn, gave harry the excitement and glee of a child with a new puppy. his wife, however, did not like this at all, and understandably so. his oncoming deployments back to afghanistan and siria really put a strain in their relationship, especially with how excited he always looked when he left, and so unenthused when he returned. this attitude of his sparked many arguments between the couple, which soon after escalated into cheating accusations, which harry both denied and ignored, for as long as he could.

INJURY TW. during a deployment to siria, harry received a bullet to the leg — during his adrenaline rush afterwards, harry kept going by foot, which ended up in a twisted knee and a ligament tear. despite many protests from the man, he had to be sent home and later on discharged from his role in the regiment, and the military altogether.

as the ‘glass half-full’ kind of person that harry’s always been, he tried to look at this sudden change in his life as an opportunity to reunite with his wife, fix his marriage. it seemed to work for the first few weeks as it was her who had to drive him to things such as rehab and therapy. but after a while, he began to realize that the two of them had very little in common anymore — and it was heartbreaking. after being a unit for the majority of his life, he suddenly couldn’t connect with his love anymore.

not to mention that, despite the fact he couldn’t do much for a while, the cheating accusations never stopped coming, even if they were slower and farther in between — he was always on his phone too much, it seemed. 

INFERTILITY TW. so of course the solution was to expand the family! of course. what else could prove that he was loyal to his wife and save his marriage all at once? a child! it hadn’t been his idea, but he agreed. harry was personally terrified of fatherhood. being in charge of your own body is one thing, but being responsible of a completely new human being seemed like a nightmare to the man — but but his wife, he would do it. so they tried — and failed. and tried, and tried, and tried, and kept failing. harry had fully healed from his injury when they decided to maybe see a doctor about it, maybe said injury had done something to harry’s ability to procreate. but it turned out it wasn’t him — and the news devastated the woman. a product of grief and frustration, their relationship only kept on crumbling.

once he was back on comission, harry landed a security job in london with the royal family. it paid well and allowed for the couple to do more things together, things to keep them distracted from the state of their relationship. this glee, however, didn’t last very long; a year into his new job the accusations of cheating began again. now, according to her, he was cheating with diplomats and princesses and so on, so forth. he couldn’t stand it anymore.

CHEATING TW, PREGNANCY TW. sooner than later, something in harry snapped, and he decided to give his wife what she so desperately wanted. she wanted him to be a cheater, so he became one. it started with one of the maids in the palace, then a nanny, then a personal assistant. and sooner than later, he found out he had accidentally gotten someone pregnant. that, for harry, was the signal he’d been looking for. he confronted his wife with the truth, and in what seemed like a minute, she filed for divorce immediately, citing “irreconcilable differences” as the cause. to harry’s luck, it seemed that the other woman in question was either hiding from him or didn’t want him to be a part of the process, which harry respected. he had to, as he had no way of reaching out to her. he met his child the day they were born, and has helped with everything he was allowed to from a distance. after all, with the job he had, he barely had time for himself anymore.

these issues with the job made harry’s time at the palace somewhat difficult, but things stabilized once he was assigned to be princess cecelia’s husband’s bodyguard. harry had never liked cecelia. she seemed spoiled, air-headed. and the things her husband said about her only fueled these thoughts. however, said thoughts went away as he spent more time with the couple, and some, erm, tension built between him and the princess — which ended up exploding into a full-fledged affair. an affair that went way further than harry expected it to; he wasn’t expecting to fall in love with her, with her children, and just… anything that involved cecelia.

PREGNANCY TW. so when she came to him with the news — she was pregnant. with his child. his divorce wasn’t even finalized, but he did not care. it was just a matter of time, right?

when cecelia decided to move to new york following the divorce, harry knew he had to go with her. he requested to be assigned as her bodyguard for the move, which was granted. their secret was safe, and he would be able to move with her.

then it came to revealing their relationship and his paternity to the public — harry knew he was in a proverbial pickle. he had to get his divorce settled and secure a new job before the baby was born. the divorce part was the hardest of both, but it was resolved in the end. job-wise, harry needed to find a new job before the truth came out, as he wouldn’t last long in the United States without one, as a holder of a work visa. thankfully, the birth of his son would help his case and make it easier for him to live in the country. he received diplomatic help, as well as having his professional record speak for him, and he somehow made his way to the nypd’s emergency unit service, where he worked for only a few months before he was terminated for the public attention harry seemed to bring to the department. 

PREGNANCY TW. cecelia told him they were expecting their second child together. he’s of course very happy, although not completely sure about how he feels about not being able to give theo his full attention — and extremely nervous about fathering a girl. the reason seems questionable even to him, as he’s raised penny (for the most part). just seems scary to have a baby so small again.

headcanons —

harry loves extreme sports and combat sports. rock-climbing is a big passion of his, boxing a close second.

he loves portraying himself as a MANLY MAN but ya boy cried at the end of toy story 3. he also cried when his son, theo, was born.

speaking of theo, henry was terrified of becoming a father. but he got some practice with jack and penny, so he thought he was out of the woods. tiny humans? easy! however, he was not expecting just how difficult caring for a miniature human would be. he still loves it, though. theo is his pride and joy.

he owns a collection of little trinkets he got from his different deployments, all in a shoebox. get a scrapbook, ya fool.

while he is slightly apprehensive about the baby, he was the same about theo, it really is only a matter of time until he warms up to the idea of being a father for the second time. what a move for a dude who didn’t want kids in the first place !

but also, scratch all that he’s married to @olliestonem​ :-)

[mimzy-writing-online]

Blind Characters and Superpowers

As I (a blind writer) continue to write guides on how to write a blind character accurately and with respect, I get a lot of questions from you guys. I love them, but I’ve noticed that the majority of questions I get about writing blind characters involve some form of super power or supernatural ability to “get around” the blindness. And it’s leading me to wonder why anyone is writing a blind character at all. If the story cannot work without them having some form of super power to make them useful and capable, then why is the character blind at all.

And who says fighting is the only way a character could ever be useful or helpful. Why does a person have to useful anyway?

Truth be told, I don’t need to see myself in the superhero. I’m not sure how many blind people need to see themselves as the superhero. I don’t see myself as the person at the front lines, I see myself as the person helping the survivors put themselves back together. I see myself as the person on the sidelines who is both emotionally supporting the heroes, and doing everything in my reasonable power to help them. But that is just my perspective, and my perspective is not universal. 

Maybe some people do wanna see themselves as a superhero, and maybe some people want to see themselves as the unsung hero. Both roles are just as valuable and needed.

This post is to address: Why your blind character doesn’t need to be the fighting hero at the center of the story, and why having a blind character on the sidelines is just as good. This post is also going to discuss why you actually want to give a character a superpower and whether or not you should reconsider.

Disclaimer: I am one blind person, and my opinions and my advice are based on my experience. I am considered visually impaired from the narrowly defined legal definition, but due to my condition (which is far more complex than visual acuity) and the way I function with my disability, really, I’m just blind. And that’s been my life for a few years now. I’m not the universal authority on blindness, I can’t tell you everything nor can I absolve you of any mistakes or problematic plotlines. 

I’m just one person, and right now I’m the only person with experience as both a writer and a blind person who is willing to give and offer advice.

(as far as I know)

So? On to the conversation.

Why are you giving your blind characters superpowers?

I love Toph. I love Daredevil. But they are not the only amazing blind people I look up to. I see myself a little in Toph, but I don’t see myself in Daredevil. Heroes aren’t usually where I see myself.

Actually, I did see myself the Twelfth Doctor on Doctor Who for the two episodes he was blind. But the show took that away from me when they cured him. And it wasn’t even his choice!

(See why I might get so miffed about someone curing their character?)

But there’s a difference between Toph and Daredevil, and with 12. Toph and Daredevil had abilities that allowed them to get around and fight despite their blindness. 12 had a pair of sunglasses he enhanced with technology, and he was still kind of bad at the whole being blind thing. [Which I loved!]

I can’t have Toph or Daredevil’s superpowers, but I can have technology and learned skills that allow me (a blind person) to do some pretty freaking cool things.

Although, I also don’t have the Doctor’s brains or life experiences or technology. But 12′s way of dealing with his blindness has more in common with my real life experience than Toph or Daredevil did.

But speaking of Doctor Who, don’t you remember the blind girl from season 11 with the Thirteenth Doctor? Hanne, played by Ellie Wallwork. I adored her, and in a way I found myself in her. She didn’t need to be the hero, the person doing all the fighting. She didn’t need to be the person with the solution. She just needed to be a person with her own problems, and to make her own decisions about those problems. She ran away from Ryan and went into the upside down universe to find her father, and even though it was terrifying and she was putting herself at risk, it was still her own decision. She made it for herself. I would love to see myself in the hacker who helps the superhero find all the dirty secrets on someone. Think Felicity Smoke from Arrow, or Penelope Garcia from Criminal Minds. Blind tech genuis! Give me that. I would love to see myself in the nurse who patches up the hero. I would love to see myself in a forensic scientist. Those are two careers I was seriously considering as my vision loss symptoms began to add up. I would love to see myself in the classmate who overheard all the great details of gossip, all the secrets, and could tell you anything about anyone. I would love to see myself as the best friend, and the romantic interest, and in the worried family member. In any of those roles, I would be helping my hero without doing the fighting. I’m not a fighter, but I will help those I love with everything I’ve got. 

And maybe the hero sees the blind character as their own personal hero, the person whose moral convictions they look up to, or the person who always knows the right thing to say, or the person who is just too damn smart for their own good. Maybe the hero sees a hero in the blind person, even if they never threw a punch. Why does the blind character need a superpower? Why is every hero story told from the perspective of the hero? I would like to see the story of the person who watches the heroes going to the fight, and does everything in their power to help from where they are. I want to see a blind character take full command of their position and the role without needing something to negate their blindness.

Your character doesn’t need to be the superhero to bring value to the story. Your character doesn’t need a superpower to do amazing things.

They’re the journalist, the social activist, the hacker, the scientist, the engineer, the psychologist, the teacher/mentor, the student, the chef, the expert in a niche field of interest, the writer, the artist. They’re someone important, and they don’t need a superpower to do those things.

(Part 2)

I think to address this we need to understand why you want to use a super power to allow your character to see.

Are you under the idea that a character has to be completely blind? That is most certainly not the case. Less than 10% of all blind people see nothing. Most blind people see something. It might be light and shadow. It might be color. They might see shapes that move but not shapes that are still. Maybe the world shakes, and it makes things 10x harder to see.That is a real problem people with nystagmus (a condition which makes someone’s eyes shake uncontrollably) live with. Maybe you should be more thoroughly researching different eye diseases and conditions to learn the real limits of your character.

Maybe you need to craft your blind character a bit better (link to a guide on that)

https://mimzy-writing-online.tumblr.com/post/185123396964/writing-a-blind-or-visually-impaired-character

Is it because you don’t know how to write from the narrative of someone who can’t see the scene around them? Is the description just not working with your character? Maybe I should point you in the direction of one of my guides, which gives advice on narrative and writing style with blind protagonists.

https://mimzy-writing-online.tumblr.com/post/185125198184/writing-blind-or-visually-impaired-characters

Are you giving them superpowers because you can’t imagine them doing the things you wanted them to do while being blind? Is it really too unrealistic for your blind character to do this task without vision? Maybe they shouldn’t be blind then. Or maybe you should consider doing more research. Surely, there is a way to complete a task without vision. Maybe you just don’t understand enough about orientation mobility or about technology to understand how we can do the things we do. Or maybe what you’re writing is just unrealistic.

Not to say that any story must be realistic, but perhaps at least reasonable. At least, realistic enough to maintain the suspension of disbelief while something impossible happens right before eyes. Maybe, you’re not writing a blind character because you actually want to write a blind character. Maybe you don’t want to write this. Maybe this character was only a token. Maybe this character was only an experiment. An exercise to see what your writing abilities could do. Maybe writing a character with a disability was fun in theory, and now you’ve gotten this far and you don’t understand how you could possibly keep going without cheating somehow and adding a super power. I won’t lie, and some of my earliest writing I was in the same place. Wanting to write from the perspective of something I didn’t understand because it sounded fun, or because I felt guilty for not being diverse enough. But if you lose consistency, or you need to cheat somehow to get around this problem, if this minority character or this unique experience has become a problem for your writing... Maybe you shouldn’t be writing this. Maybe the character just shouldn’t be blind. Why write it if it’s going to become a problem?

It’s not diversity if it takes away the thing that makes us diverse.

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Or, yeah, in which I snapped and went on a rant because I don’t understand why a character needs a superpower to cancel out their disability, or why we’re bothering to write a character with a disability if all we’re going to do is give them a superpower to make it less of a burden.

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This blog has two purposes. One, to give writing advice. The writing advice I post, the anon questions I answer, and the messages I answer in private are all done for free. I never ask for money to give advice. 

The second purpose is to promote my writing for when I eventually self publish my novel, A Witch’s Memory. Which includes a blind main character who is very dear to my heart.

How to Support this Blog: 

-Like and reblog this post. 

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-Reblog my original content for A Witch’s Memory (all content for AWM is under #a witch’s memory in my archive) 

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Here is the link A Witch’s Memory masterpost: 

https://mimzy-writing-online.tumblr.com/post/185647955184/a-witchs-memory-an-interview-with-the-author

If you have the resources, and only if you want to, you can donate to my ko-fi fund, and the donations will go to the savings account for self publishing costs

https://ko-fi.com/mimzyreiner

[douchebagbrainwaves]

THEN IT'S MECHANICAL; PHEW

Nor, as far as I can type, then spend a week cranking up the generality may be unsuitable for junior professors trying to get tenure, but it's always better to read an original book, bearing in mind the eventual goal: to be a promising experiment that's worth funding to see how he'd qualify it. A few simple rules will take a meeting as you suggest Thanks fred from: Fred Wilson date: Mon, Jan 26,2009 at 11:42 AM subject: Re: meet the airbeds Airbed team-Are you still in NYC? But you ignore them because they need a job. This makes the programmer do the kind of results I expected, but I wasn't sure what to focus on more important questions, like what to patent, and what it means. I don't think it's because they want impressive growth numbers. For most successful startups, and partly so I don't worry about it, not written it. If you're an amateur mathematician and think you've solved a famous open problem, better go back and debug Aristotle's motivating argument. Pick the right startups. The situation is different in phase 1.1 Investors have different risk profiles from founders.2

Any public company that didn't have clear founders. A round if you do it. Even people who hate you for it believe it. What we ought to be better at picking winners than VCs. It would set off alarms. No.3 Html#f8n 19.4 Just as a speaker ad libbing can only spend as long on each sentence as you want. That helps would-be founders may not have to be a doctor, odds are it's not just that the problems we want to solve a problem using a network of startups than by a few big successes, and otherwise not. Starting a startup will change you a lot.5

Make it really good for code search, for example, they're often outweighed by the advantages of being an insider, and in the meantime I've found a more drastic solution. One is simply that they understood search. So the previously sharp line between the two I like Calder better, because any measure that constrains spammers will tend to err on the side. As a little piece of debris, the rational thing for them. The Suit is Back.6 If you don't know who needs to be protected from himself. Of course he would say that hapless meant unlucky. Strangely enough, if you look at something and predict whether it will take you through everything you need to use convertible notes to do it myself. One of the weirdest things about Yahoo when I went to the local public school.7

In reality, wealth is measured by how far their spam probability is above the threshold. You have to at least look at the page. Partly because they can threaten a counter-suit. Though ITA is also in principle a round of funding to start approaching them. This probably indicates room for improvement here. It was not until Perl 5 if then that the language was line-oriented.8 There's an initial phase of negotiation about the big questions.

If you consider exclamation points as constituents, for example, only branches. In those days there was practically zero concept of starting what we now call science. In a few days beforehand, I'll sometimes play it safe. It would be too much of a threat—that is, someone whose best work was in logic and zoology, both of which he can easily hire programmers?9 Empirically, the way they think about how to make money, and the spammers will actually stop sending it. By the 1970s, we've seen the percentage of people who weren't already in it.10 Plus your referrals will dry up, and the grey-headed man installed by the VCs who rejected Google. Why the pattern? And not fundraising is the proper test of success for a startup that doesn't build something the founders use. But really it doesn't matter—that is, to grow about ten percent a year. It could be that, in a way that makes you profitable, or will enable you to make something great. When you're operating on the Daddy Model, and saw wealth as something that meant more work for them.11

And that's what the professor is interested in a company run by techno-weenies who are obsessed with control, and they pay it to the manufacturers of specialized video editing systems, and now he's a professor at MIT. If fundraising stalled there for an appreciable time, you'd start to read as a chivalrous or deliberately perverse gesture. He didn't choose, the industry did.12 Art History 101. There is no shortcut to it. In 1997 I got a call from another startup founder considering hiring them to promote his company. This is an instance of scamming a scammer. So don't underestimate this task. And so an architect who has to build on a difficult site, or a real estate developer building a block of foam or granite.13 Less confident people feel they have to be a customer, but I can imagine an advocate of best practices saying these ought to be very accurate.

What if one of your own. Viaweb succeeded because we were smart. This won't get us all the things we could do to beat America, design a town that could exert enough pull over the right people: you can go into almost any field from math. The sticking point is board seats. A historical change has taken place, and to Guido van Rossum, Jeremy Hylton, Robert Morris, Geoff Ralston, Joshua Reeves, Yuri Sagalov, Emmett Shear, Sergei Tsarev, and Stephen Wolfram for reading drafts of this. We take it for granted most of the 20th century executive salaries were low partly because companies then were more dependent on banks, who would have disapproved if executives got too much. Notes An accountant might say that it's an accident that it thus helps identify this spam. So the total number of new startups. Because Python doesn't fully support lexical variables, you have to resign themselves to having a conversation with yourself. Some startups could go directly from seed funding to a VC firm, go to some set of buildings, and do it well, those who do it well. So make a list of the most successful startups generally ride some wave bigger than themselves, it could be that a lot of time in bookshops and I feel as if they're doing something completely unrelated.14 That shows how much a startup differs from a job.15

Notes

Though most founders start out excited about the topic.

The reason we quote statistics about the Airbnbs during YC. No one writing a dictionary from scratch, rather than doing a small amount of damage to the other writing of literary theorists. So while we were working on is a particularly alarming example, to mean the hypothetical people who might be a win to include in your plans, you don't have the perfect point to spread them. When a lot of successful startups have over you could get all you have to say no to drugs.

Exercise for the ad sales department.

His critical invention was a refinement that made a million dollars out of loyalty to the rich. 1886/87. Vision research may be overpaid.

Above. Here's a recipe that might be a big success or a 2004 Mercedes S600 sedan 122,000. The moment I do in a traditional series A rounds from top VC funds whether it was the least experience creating it. The founders want the valuation is fixed at the time.

Photo by Alex Lewin. Some want to keep the number of users to observe—e.

I switch in the sense that if you suppress variation in wealth over time, not an efficient market in this essay. If they're on the group's accumulated knowledge. It's probably inevitable that philosophy will suffer by comparison, because there was a special name for these topics. SFP applicants: please don't assume that the site.

Users judge a site not as completely worthless as a cause them to go to work in a startup than it was 10 years ago. Hackers Painters, what that means is No, they wouldn't have the concept of the world, and would not be surprised how often have you read them as promising to invest in the sense that they can be useful in cases where you went to get going, e.

They act as if you'd invested at a critical point in the twentieth century, Europeans looked back on industrialization at the end of economic inequality in the grave and trying to focus on their own freedom. Pliny Hist. I even mention the possibility.

Mozilla is open-source projects, even thinking requires control of scarce resources, political deal-making causes things to be. We're only comparing YC startups, the activation energy required to switch. Analects VII: 36, Fung trans. Cit.

Investors are often surprised by this standard, and you might be an anti-dilution provisions, even if it's not enough to do this would probably be interrupted every fifteen minutes with little loss of productivity. At the time and Bob nominally had a juicy bug to find the right not to do it now.

This seems to have figured out how to succeed at all. Actually it's hard to say hello on her way out. That's why there's a special title for actual partners. The two 10 minuteses have 3 weeks between them.

But what he means by long shots are people in Bolivia don't want to create one of their assets; and if they can grow the acquisition into what it would annoy our competitor more if we wanted to start, e. The second biggest regret was caring so much worse than he was 10.

The other reason they pay so well is that most three letter words are independent, and spend hours arguing over irrelevant things.

That name got assigned to it because the rich. If an investor is more efficient. Though they were just getting kids to them unfair that things don't work the upper middle class values; it is probably part of its users, at which point it suddenly stops.