#people are always weird about people who are disappointed or devastated about 'normal results' but...

[uncanny-tranny]

To any disabled person undergoing tests to find What's Wrong: I hope your results come back the way you hope and that you receive the help you need. I hope you are not denied care, I hope you are taken seriously even after this, and I hope that you will be taken care of compassionately

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

Lily (from "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus", what else?) and Lenin and maybe some other people? Watch "Heathers". Reactions? Or what they get transported there? Sorry, it's just that I'm in this Heathers-obsession phase and since I love your work so much (and the fact that Trotsky is kinda sorta like JD) I've been wondering about a crossover like that. I honestly have no idea what your answer to this will entail.

I’ve been musing on this one for a bit now but I suppose it’s time to dig in and answer.

First, I’m not usually a fan of the “X characters watch Y thing” so we’re going to avoid that. Also, to Wizard Lenin, it’d undoubtedly be yet another one of Lily’s weird 80′s movies that she loves so much and forces him to watch. It’s less gory than Predator, but dammit Lily, high school isn’t like this! 

Getting transported there is a similarly weird story. It’s such a muggle setting that it really doesn’t mesh well with the “Sisyphus” cast. Why would Lily and Wizard Lenin be stuck in this high school in Ohio? Would they even do anything besides go “That JD kid sure is weird” and “Wow, the death count here is higher than Hogwarts!”? Point being, I can’t imagine they’d get entangled in the true plot of “Heathers” and at best would be providing riff track commentary on this crazy high school. 

So, instead, let’s go the good old fusion route. Let’s make the world of “Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus” just a bit more like “Heathers” and see how it pans out.

Because “Heathers” is all about the destruction of society from within, we’re axing Voldemort. Sorry, Tom, you got stuck in a magical mirror, eaten by bears, or something after 1943 and are going to be Sir Not Appearing in this Universe. As a result, there’s no Voldemort, but the deep societal issues that Tom took advantage of very much remain and are flourishing. 

In this world, Lily is still a god, but is not immediately recognized as such by being the girl who lived. Instead, she’s just a strange, dangerously overpowered, nuisance that nobody likes. And her home life is trash.

I imagine in the world without Voldemort, Death Eaters, and a second war Lily and James’ marriage quickly crumbles. This is mainly due to the stress of marriage but also due to having a gifted, ridiculously intelligent, and creepy child. Within a few years, Lily Evans has the audacity to do what is never done: she divorces her pureblood lord husband and tries to vie for child custody. She loses, of course, as she’s a muggle born woman, and is basically banished from ever seeing her kid again.

James never really gets over this, Ellie looking so much like Lily Evans certainly not helping matters, and over the years grows very cold to her. She’s not a son so is useless to inherit, she’s nothing like him, and she’s just an all around disappointment. James very quickly gets remarried for political purposes, marrying a far less scandelous pureblood witch from pick your prestigious family, and they have a son meaning that Lily is no longer heir.

Lily thus attends Hogwarts as essentially the half-blood Potter. She’s for all intents and purposes a bastard child, one barely acknowledged by her father, and is also weird. As a result I imagine she’s bullied relentlessly much in the manner Luna is. For years.

I imagine Luna Lovegood is her only friend, as the pair have bonded over constantly having their stuff destroyed and being locked out of their dormitories. 

Enter Lily’s seventh year and thus the plot.

The outside world is looming and Lily effectively has no future. Despite being the daughter of Lord Potter, she’s in a similar position that Tom Riddle was. She won’t be hired into the Ministry or basically any position thanks to her dubious heritage as well as the fact that no one likes her.

Mostly, she just wants out. She wants out of the country where everyone knows exactly who she is and where she came from. Her best hope for this is employment with the goblins but she needs recommendations from a professor. Her best bet is Slughorn, but while he’s always been awed of her ability after seven years of Lily the charm has worn off. Lily has never received an invitation to the Slug Club.

Lily realizes that to get out she must become popular so someone can vouch for her to Slughorn. Not to mention her life might become slightly, slightly, less miserable. So, Lily approaches the Heathers. Much like in the film/musical, Lily offers her services to them for the fee of making nice, pretending to like her, and getting her an in with Slughorn.

This spirals out of control as the Heathers instead do the makeover and make Lily suddenly cool. She’s suddenly invited to parties, people talk to her, it’s a whole new world.

Around this time, Lily in the room of requirement happens to stumble across the diary (nevermind how he gets there, we’ll pretend Tom just never managed to smuggle him out of the castle). Tom has been trapped in there, dying, and Lily obliviously informs him that all his ambitions and sacrifices amounted to nothing. There was no dark lord after Grindelwald, she’s never heard of a Tom Riddle, and everything she describes makes it sound like nothing has changed.

Tom Riddle inexplicably vanished off the face of the earth leaving only the diary behind.

Naturally, Tom is very pissed about this, and sets about plotting how he can return, trying to get Lily to open up by asking her for help returning him to his body. Lily does him one better and just returns him to his body without any sacrifice, casually remarking that she’s always been like this as long as she can remember, fully accepting Tom to yell “SHE’S A WITCH! BURN HER!” to her face as everyone else does.

Tom, however, is floored and everything he’s ever known to be true is thrown out the window. He decides to make Lily his new pet project. 

Unfortunately for him, by this point Lily has a Slug Club to attend, only it goes horribly wrong. The Heathers have purposefully set about humiliating Luna, Lily’s only friend, and Lily has to very publicly break ties with them even though it means sacrificing her only real chance of leaving the country with gainful employment. Worse, the Heathers promise wrath the likes of which Lily has never seen before.

Lily, devastated and despairing, goes back to Tom and confesses all the shitiness of her extremely shitty life and how she doesn’t even know what the Heathers will do to her now. Tom finds this a little odd, as Lily has quickly proven herself the most powerful person on the planet, but he’s willing to play along. More to the point, Lily and Tom’s relationship goes from 0 to 100 as he is not only the first guy to show interest in her but he’s very very interested and very very hot. When Lily decides to beg Alpha Heather for forgiveness, Tom notes that he’ll come with, he’s better with people than she is.

Tom, having hit a low point of nihilist rage thanks to Voldemort having amounted to nothing, poisons Alpha Heather and dutifully covers for Lily by writing her suicide note. This works. There is an ecstasy of joyous grief throughout the school as staff and students alike confess how they never knew the true Heather. Lily is astounded, Tom is ecstatic.

Lily tries to return to life as normal, goes back to hanging out with Luna, but also has to introduce Tom to the school. Tom suggests she mind wipes everyone, that makes Lily uncomfortable, so she instead confesses what she believes is the truth in that Tom was trapped in an enchanted object. Dumbledore nearly has a stroke, but since Tom Riddle never became Voldemort, it’s more that this is a solution to an unsolved mystery and the castle is glad Tom isn’t actually dead. They’d thought he got hit by one of those muggle bombs during WWIII or whatever it was the muggles had going on. 

HA HA HA HA, but no, Tom says in response.

In the meantime Tom gets to witness Lily’s weird and strained relationship with her father, his friends, and her younger half-brother. Tom points out that Lily seeking out gainful employment is unnecessary. Lily doesn’t have to be a part of society, like all these worthless people around her, she’s so powerful that she can do whatever she likes however she likes it. She can simply leave the country, she could become a dark lord even, there’s nothing stopping her. Lily’s never thought of it like that before, to become a true part of society, to be accepted on some level by that society, has always just seemed like the obvious path to her. What else would she do?

Due to this, Lily and Tom’s relationship continues to grow as they’re really the first people to see each other as they are. Naturally, this is when shit hits the fan. Thanks to Tom, Lily’s invited to another Slug Club with him (Tom can still become minister even if he was trapped in a book for fifty years! Slughorn says). Lily gets hit on and nearly sexually assaulted by some of the boys there, Lily gets out, but the next day rumor circulates around the school that Lily was in a threesome with them.

Tom Riddle sets up a ridiculous scheme in which he fakes their murder suicide where they confess to being homosexual. Lily is increasingly horrified. The school, once again, is in an ecstasy of joyful grief over the loss of these two, beautiful, oppressed, gay souls. Lily realizes that Tom is A Bad Dude (TM) and tries to confront him. He easily confesses he cares nothing about these people and has decided he wants to watch society burn. These are the people who thought he had died in the Blitz and did nothing. They are people who cannot and will not change. They’re the absentee fathers who dote on far less powerful, pureblood, sons. Tom has officially, completely, given up on the wizarding world and now he will destroy it as quickly and horrifically as he can. Lily, not belonging to society, can pour the kerosene on with him.

This is getting a little too gnarly for Lily and she dumps Tom.

Unfortunately, he quickly becomes exceedingly popular thanks to his angelic face, his natural charm and charisma, and his understanding of people. He passes around a petition for suicide and bullying awareness that everybody and their brother signs. What they’re really signing is pages from the diary which, much like Death Note, promises him both their magic and their life force.

Tom confronts Lily and admits he’s going to murder everybody, an entire generation of wizards and witches gone in an instant, AND LILY CAN BE HIS DARK QUEEN! Lily and Tom get into a fight, Tom accidentally murders the shit out of her and is devestated, only of course for Lily to wake up later after he’s left because she was unwittingly immortal this whole time.

Rising from the dead, Lily hunts Tom down before he can blow up the school, and sucks him back into the diary. Upon graduation Lily makes up with Luna, still has no prospects and plans to go and be homeless in India, has hesitantly gotten in contact with Lily Evans, basically has no contact left with her father, and has a boyfriend diary named Tom who might be let out in fifty years if he promises not to blow up a school. 

[imaginesmai]

Tom Holland - True love kiss

This is long, this is perfect and I’m dying of fluff right here. Am I using my denial of Endgame in this fic? Yes. Tony, Peter and Morgan as a family was what we deserved. Enjoy!

Plot: “I tricked your little sister telling her Ursula has stolen my voice because I have a massive hangover, and now we have to kiss in order not to break her innocence”

or

Au were Tom works in Disney store, has a massive headache and can’t talk, and now he has lied to a little girl and she wants to get him a ‘true love kiss’; which happens to you, her older sister and Tom’s highschool crush.

“Dude, you look like shit”

Tom raised his head from where it was resting against the counter and gave Harrison the biggest glare of death that he could muster in his condition. The boy just returned a cheeky grin.

“Rough night?”

His head was pounding, his throat was dry, and more than anything at that point, Tom wished that the ground would just open up and swallow him whole, and put him out of his misery. When he had woken up that Sunday morning to his alarm blaring, his first instinct had been to call in sick. But after a few minutes of lazing around buried in blankets, his sense of guilt had kicked in, and with a groan, Tom had dutifully risen from his comfortable position and went in for his shift at the Disney Store.

There were some days when he cursed the fact that he had taken up the offer; so far away from his home, with shift too early in the morning. Normally, he swallowed the whines and put on a fake smile for the excited kids that ran around as soon as it opened. As soon as he closed his eyes again, Tom knew it was one of those days, where he would have to search deep inside the excitement to not to frown to those kids.

Last night, he had had the perfect idea to go to a party. His brother had begged him to go, and since the fucker didn’t have to work next morning, he kept Tom awake until the sun rose. He drank, he had fun and maybe flirted with a blonde – although he wasn’t sure. Then, he threw up in the toilet, drowned in headaches and swallowed the pills for the hangover.

And the worst part of it, was that last night activities involved yelling and laughing, and it had resulted in the morning’s hardship; his voice was practically gone, and all that was left was a pretty sore throat.

Tom let his head flop back against the counter, but raised his hand in a rude gesture for Harrison’s remark.

“Boy, are you grouchy when you’re hungover” he teased. Harrison stood, stretching his arms as prepared to leave, probably heading to his own job at the Nike store on the other side of the mall. “See you later, Tom”

Tom just made some recognition noise from the back of his throat.

The store was fairly quiet for a Sunday, something Tom was thankful for. There were a few kids roaming around, but a quick glance told Tom that his co-worker could more than handle it. Sometimes a break from dealing with customers was nice too. He spent the next couple of hours working at a relaxed pace, stocking shelves and making sure the displays were all neat and tidy.

“Hi, mister!”

At the sound of the sweet voice, Tom looked down to see a young girl standing next to him, giving him a wide toothless smile, and looking as cute as can be. Her hair was tied up in two braids, and she was dressed in a sparkly blue Elsa princess dress; if he had to say, she wasn’t older than four.

Tom smiled warmly at her and waved hello. He then lifted his eyes from the little girl and glanced around, frowning slightly when he noticed she was alone.

“Mommy and daddy are next door buying some diapers for our new baby brother, with my big big sister” she explained when she saw Tom’s questioning gaze. “They said we could wait here until they are finished. My big brother is over there looking at the Star Wars toys”

Tom looked over to where the girl was pointing, and sure enough there was a boy about sever, busy looking excited over the new Star Wars Millennium Falcon Lego set.

“Mommy said I can pick a toy for the new baby” the girl continued. “Can you help me get that Olaf? It’s too high and I can’t reach it”

Tom smiled and grabbed the plushie toy that the little girl was pointing at. His muscles screamed at him when he stretched his arm, but he didn’t mind; from the corner of his eye, he could see the little girl bouncing up and down. The smile on her face became even wider once he passed it to her, and she hugged the snowman to her chest. Tom chuckled soundlessly, and brought a hand to his throat. Maybe it was time for another glass of warm milk. Sure on the café down wouldn’t care.

“Thanks, mister!”

Swallowing down the hurt from being called mister for the second time one a day, Tom grinned and gave her a thumbs up. The girl’s expressions suddenly became concerned and she looked at him inquisitively. She tilted her hear slightly and a little furrow between her eyebrows formed as she stared at him intensely.

“Can’t you talk?”

Tom’s lips twitched and he had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing out loud. He couldn’t tell to a little girl that he couldn’t talk because he had screamed every bit of the songs of last night, and that, combined with cheap vodka, wasn’t a good choice. Instead, he shrugged his shoulders and pointed to his throat, shaking his head. The girl’s eyes widened.

“But why can’t you talk?”

Probably, if her parents would have been around she would have been scolded for asking such a question. But they weren’t, and Tom thought there wasn’t anything wrong with enjoying the attention that kid was willing to give him

Quickly, he took his notepad that was sitting by the cash register and wrote something down. He held it out to the little girl. She glanced at it, frowning cutely when she couldn’t make out any of the words he had written. Like if they were in a TV show, the girl closed her eyes tightly and yelled out for his brother. Tom almost jumped on his place from the strength and volume of that little girl voice.

A boy with short brown hair and a pout made its way where Tom was.

“What’s wrong, Morgan?”

“Peter!” the girl turned around, shoving the paper to his brother’s hands. “He can’t talk! Something is wrong! Can you read what he wrote?”

“My name is Tom” the boy read it out loud, giving Tom a weird glance. He looked then to his sister, who was looking at him as if he was reading the secret to immortality. “I can’t speak because – uh, because Ursula the sea, witch? Stole my voice, but I’m happy to assist you”

Morgan let out a gasp and, if possible, her eyes widened even more. She clutched Olaf even tighter to her chest, looking devastated at Tom’s predicament. Peter, on the other hand, didn’t look quite as convinced, looking at Tom doubtfully. Still, he didn’t say anything.

“I know how we can get your voice back!” Morgan tugged on Tom’s hand, and smiled brightly at him. “We need – We need to find your true love! You need true love’s kiss!”

“I don’t think that would work, Morgan” Peter announced. He didn’t sound too convinced, but Tom could see that his little mind was trying to work around the lie yet. “How do we even know Ursula is real? We’ve never seen her”

“Of course it would work. It worked with Ariel!” Morgan began pulling Tom around, giving a hard glare to his brother. “Ursula is very tricky. She could be hiding in plain sight and you would never know! Do you have a true love, Tom?”

Honestly, the boy was having more fun than at the party last night. Tom shook his head and allowed the girl to begin dragging him around the store, stopping after taking just a few steps. He watched as Morgan surveyed their surrounded, Peter watching too even if he tried to hide it. There weren’t much people on the store, just two couples and their children.

“We are going to find your true love. Everyone has one!” Morgan seemed convinced; and his brother didn’t seem to need much more, since he had a excited smile too.

“Maybe we can go to the food court!” Peter chimed in, now completely caught up in the situation. “There’s always lots of people there!”

The idea of the two children leaving the store with him made him pale. As harmless as he thought his little joke was in the beginning, he clearly hadn’t thought things through. If he was seen with two kids on the mall, if the parents saw him with their kids, he could be in so much trouble he didn’t want to think off. Even if the kids hand bright expressions on their faced, Tom thought it wouldn’t hurt to force his voice one more time to avoid being fired.

Before he could cough out the rawness of his throat, another voice appeared.

“Morgan! Peter! Time to leave!” a man’s voice echoed through the shop, and Tom let out a relieved breath. Both kids looked extremely disappointed as their father appeared and beckoned them towards him. “We’re gonna grab some lunch – your mother is already waiting for us at the food court with Y/N”

The siblings looked at each other with glee, and Morgan let go of Tom’s hand to run to his father.

“Daddy! Daddy, Tom has to come with us! We need to find his true love!”

The man, who had dark sunglasses on and the same brown eyes than his kids, gave Tom a confused look. And Tom understood; kids brought home stray cats or dogs, not full grown men to look for their love. However, the man didn’t seem to react in a scandalous way, just tightened his tie and let his son speak.

“Ursula stole his voice” Peter added. “We have to help him get it back!”

“Please, daddy! Can he come? Can he come?” Morgan jumped up and down, begging. Cooper walked forwards too, and started to fill the man’s cheeks, covered by a black goatee with kisses.

“Morg, honey” the man began slowly, pushing his kids away. “Uh, this boy had to work, he can’t just up and leave. He has responsibilities here. What do we day about responsible, Pete?”

“That it’s important” Peter answered, pouting.

The man gave a whole speech that had Tom with wide eyes; even if he wasn’t specially tall, or strong, he held a determination in his voice that he hadn’t heard in anyone. After promising that Tom would be okay without a voice for another week, since they would come back just for him, the kids left with their father. Both of them gave Tom a big hug and promised a thousand times that they would come back.

That kind of innocence was pure, and if a five minute interaction could help them to keep that innocence even longer; well, Tom was willing to promise them back that he could wait.

After all, what could it hurt?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ninety minutes later, Tom was feeling a lot better. His headache was gone – courtesy of Harrison, who had taken pity of him and given him some Advil and a nice, streaming mug of tea, which helped to sooth his throat. His voice was even starting to come back, albeit it was accompanied with a slight rasp. All in all, he felt like a normal functioning human being.

The store had slowed down in activity even more; the bright and sunny day was then dark and with ominous rain clouds rolling in. Tom was almost sure that it wouldn’t hurt anyone to go home before he had to shower in cold water when it started to rain.

Pounding footsteps were suddenly heard echoing from the hallway, and Tom looked up just in time to see Peter appearing at the front entrance. Peter spotted him and squealed with excitement, whipping around to wave.

“He’s still here, Morgan! I see him!”

“Hurry up, Y/N!”

At the sound of Morgan’s voice, Tom rounded the corner of the cashier desk and frowned. Behind him, he could hear Harrison, who was lazily hanging around, begin to snicker as he watched. He already knew what had happened with the kids, and after a whole lot of teasing, Tom had regretted telling him.

Just then, Morgan appeared in his line of vision, pulling a young woman behind her by the hand. You just looked confused as you struggled with your shopping bags and the purse, all while trying to keep Morgan from running off without you. The second the little ball of energy saw Tom, she let go of your hand and went running up to him. Blinking the upcoming embarrassment, Tom bent down to one knee so that he could be at eye level with Morgan.

“Hi Tom!” Morgan greeted enthusiastically. “We thought – we thought that if you couldn’t go and find your true love we could bring her to you! This is my sister, Y/N, and she can be your true love!”

As you stepped closer to him, Tom looked up – and felt his mouth go dry. His stomach fluttered when he recognized you. You had never talked in person, but it was hard not to notice when Y/N Stark walked into the room. You had shared a couple of classes together back in highschool, and Tom sat directly behind you in your biology class. He wasn’t that much of a genius, but thanks to you he passed all the classes; and it was really a miracle, because young Tom spent all his time staring at you.

He could almost remember the stuttering when you talked, the burning heat on his cheeks and how sad he was when he learned that you had moved away. Now that he thought about that, he had already met Peter as a baby, and your father a couple of times. How could he forget his forever crush?

“Didn’t you guys want to go to the arcade?” you asked, your voice sweet and gentle as he remembered. “It’s on the other side of the mall”

“Y/N” Peter talked “We have to ask you something really important”

Panic filled Tom. He desperately wracked his brain, trying to come up with a way to stop the kids before they could embarrass him to the next decade.

“Can you be Tom’s true love?” Morgan and Peter asked at the same time, slightly unrhythmical.

For the second time that day, Tom wished the ground would open up and swallow him whole, never to be seen again. His cheeks turned red and his ears pink, and he wanted to bash his head against the counter.

“W-what?” you asked. Your gaze landed on him and he could see the recognition flashing through your eyes. The smile that appeared on your face made the whole situation more embarrassment. “Tom! It had been ages since I saw you!”

Tom nodded dumbly.

“Y/N!” Morgan stamped her foot impatiently and your attention landed on your little sister once more. “This is really important!”

“Ursula might come back, Y/N!” Peter backed up. Tom wasn’t sure who was more invested in the story, if the big brother or the little sister. “Can you be his true love or not? He doesn’t have all day!”

“Who the f -uh, who is Ursula?” you gave a confused glance to Tom, who was still kneeling on the ground frozen because I could fucking faint.

“The evil sea witch” Morgan rolled her eyes, slumping her shoulders as if you were the most annoying thing in her short life. She showed you the pad of paper with Tom’s note written on it. “Remember, Y/N? She stole Ariel’s voice. And now she took Tom’s voice, and the only way to get it back is if he finds his true love!”

Tom could hear Harrison laughing his ass off on the background. His friend for sure knew who you were, as Tom couldn’t stop talking about you even years after you left, so the situation was hilarious for the blonde. Meanwhile, Tom was feeling everything moving in a slow motion, the headache back and his palms sweaty. He had the prettiest girl he could think of in front of him, with a note that confirmed his implication on the true love thing. If you slapped him and called him a creep, he wouldn’t blame you.

But the smile didn’t fell from your lips, it just transformed into a little laugh. You tried to cover it up with a cough and brought your hand to your mouth. Tom could see the happy shine in your eyes, the same he had enjoyed when he was in highschool and made you laugh. Even if it wasn’t going as bad as it could, Tom was sure he wouldn’t be calling you to meet up, as much as it hurt him; more like changing cities and avoiding you like the plague. Forger ever mucking up the courage to ask you on a date.

“Yeah, I can” your voice pulled him from his thoughts, and he started at you in disbelief as you smirked down at him. Your hair was shorter, your features more mature and you were a bit taller; but he felt like he was all over that nervous boy that followed you through the corridors in hopes of you noticing him.

“Really?!” Morgan squealed, her wide toothless smile lit up her entire face.

“Only because you ask me and because you’re gonna eat all your veggies tonight” you tapped both of your siblings’ noses and laughed when a defeated sigh left their mouth. Then, you looked down at Tom and raised a brow. “Tom is going to have to stand up, though”

There was no way you could be serous about that. There was no way his crush from highschool, who he hadn’t seen in years, was asking him to stand up to kiss him. Not Harrison, who had stopped laughing behind Tom and was looking at the scene with wide eyes. Not your siblings, who were waiting for him to move. No, you were talking to Tom and Tom was having a heart attack.

“Tom, come on!” Peter urged him, tugging on his sleeve. For such a small boy, your brother was strong.

The whole thing was more than a little weird, but Tom wasn’t that stupid to deny the opportunity that it presented. And if there was one thing that could be said about Tom, was that he was fucking in love with you he never backed down. Even if it was going to blow up in his face.

Up close, he was able to notice the little details that he otherwise would have missed. You smelled so good that he had to stop himself from sniffling. Your eyes were brighter, and your hair was the same colour he remembered. He looked to the small mole that he had found years ago, and it was in the same place; so were the wrinkles around your eyes and the dimple on your cheek. You tucked your hair behind your ear, and Tom could see himself studying the last history test on his bed, his mother knocking on the door to see if everything was alright and hearing her giggling when Tom stuttered.

“You really have to make it a special kiss” Morgan instructed, dead serious. “Like the kind of kisses that daddy gives mommy sometimes. A real true love’s kiss!”

“Alright” you nodded, stepping closer.

Gently, you grasped the lapels of his store vest and pulled him even closer, so that your bodies touched each other. Tom leaned in automatically, his head dropping and your lips slanting together. It wasn’t as hard as he thought, as his arms wrapped around your waist and you kissed him once, twice, three times. It wasn’t the first time he had been kissed, but without a doubt, it was easily the best kiss of his life.

Your body felt warm against him, or maybe it was the nerves, and he realized that you fitted perfectly together. Your noses didn’t touch, your hand seemed to belong to the back of his neck and even the heights were perfect for each other. Tom was about to melt in the ground, when you teared apart.

He seemed them to see the two kids looking at you with wide eyes and mouth open, Harrison on his side vision with the phone on his ear and whispering-talking excitedly. You blushing and tucking your hands in the pockets of your jacket, looking down.

“Now try talking, Tom!” Morgan said, her voice sounding impossibly loud in the empty store. Tom had never been so thankful that there were no customers around.

“Uh” Tom ran a hand through his head, floundering for words.

Tom let his eyes go back to you, and your gazes met. He tuned out the kids urging him to talk, and cherished how you didn’t look ready to run off and call the police on him. It wasn’t probably the best way to ask, since you hadn’t seen each other for years and you had kissed because of a shitty tale told to a little girl as an excuse for his hangover.

But, what else could he lose? After all, in fairy tales everyone had a happy ending; and he couldn’t let the two main characters hanging.

“What about a date?”

Peter Parker taglist:

@delicately-important-trash​

@lexxxistrips​

@smilexcaptainx​

Want to know more about me? Here is my Masterlist! Feedback is always appreciated!!

[mrsalenko]

some headcanons. long and stupid. hope the readmore works lol

some shenko headcanons (sadie shepard specific because every shepard is different of course) because they live rent free in my head and give me serotonin. sadenko would prob be the ship name lol. which i like because it sounds dumb.

low pda couple. very low. most is hold hands in public, and only on off duty time when off normandy. private about kissing around other people.

affectionate in private though, but not constantly in contact because sadie doesn’t like hovering or constant needs for attention and kaidan is cool about respecting boundaries. sadie is spontaneous and passionate though so she’ll randomly give him a really big kiss and it will makes him smile for hours. she puts her whole heart and soul into them.

likes sharing a bed but doesn’t cuddle while sleeping all the time. shepard thinks it’s too hot to have him touching so she’ll shove him over the other side in her sleep and he’ll gradually move back but she doesn’t really mind. kaidan sleeps heavily some nights and sometimes really poorly but she doesn’t mind staying awake with him and giving him a scalp massage for headaches or talking quietly.

kaidan always calls her shepard. likes always. from habit from the SR1 and trying to be discreet and it bled into personal life. she sometimes gets slightly annoyed it’s like he doesn’t actually know her name so she’ll sometimes just call him alenko constantly and he’s like ‘okay what did i do wrong.’ because generally in private she’ll call him kaidan. often alenko on duty though.

shepard probably eventually semi retired from the alliance mostly because she can’t physically handle it. or psychologically for that matter. she’s pretty traumatized in general from everything. the thing that got to her most was dying and missing two years, and then the whole war thing and nearly dying again. she is fucked up beyond belief after the war for ages. takes a while to graduate from bed rest, to wheelchair, to crutches, to walking. kaidan takes care of her really well and is super protective. takes her to physio and does everything around the apartment. cooks, cleans, whatever. they live in anderson’s apartment, when it’s repaired enough because the keepers fix things pretty quickly. but prior to that a hospital on earth.

she also broke lots of things and had burns. the burns healed quickly with artificial skin grafts and medi-gel but the breaks were really bad. heaps of internal bleeding. they were worried she’d die but she pulled through.

kaidan becomes a bit of a worry wart about it all. really sick and stressed because he’s also trying to help with clean up, helping the rest of the normandy crew.

but eventually their life on the citadel becomes pretty comfortable and nice. kaidan remains in the alliance the rest of his life, the only reason he’d ever give it up is shepard and she never wanted him to. once shepard semi retires early, she talks up yoga and dancing for fitness. kaidan is baffled by the dance thing but appreciates it nonetheless.

it’s really easy to go to earth from the citadel with the beam that remains. kaidan goes down all the time to visit his mother who lived through the occupation, and tend to the property the family own but shepard refuses to come unless it’s by ship, because she can’t handle going through the beam. the beam is setup like an airport but like for instaneous travel. she’s forced on select occasions but only with holding his hand as they walk through. she likes kaidan’s mother, is sometimes confused by her, but likes having a mother figure who is very kind to her.

kaidan’s mom wouldnt have picked shepard for kaidan’s life partner (too messy, not quiet and sweet and kind like she always pictured for her boy) but likes shepard because kaidan loves her truly and she can see that. she just wants him to be happy. he never really told her much about shepard after she died and he came home on shore leave after the SR1 was blown up but kaidan’s mom knew something really wrong had happened to kaidan and he wasn’t the same. she couldn’t have guessed that he had an affair with his CO though. kaidan’s dad was ex alliance and she knew the rules through him and would have thought that was a really bad decision on kaidan’s part. kaidan’s dad if he knew would have been really disappointed in his kid. so kaidan never told him and he died without ever really knowing about shepard although he was a little suspicious. kaidan’s mom’s name libba and i always headcanoned as alma i believe, and casimir for his dad.

kaidan’s family is rich. they never hurt for money, so kaidan is the main one who brings income to his and shepard’s household. shepard has a good retirement pension though. so they’re quite comfortable. shepard finds it really weird because she grew up so poor and she remained poor until she climbed to higher ranks in the military. she worked from enlisted to officer which was really hard but all she ever did her teens and 20s was work all the time and volunteer for hard missions and be reckless.

kaidan had a degree in technology so he was able to join up as an officer.

their affair on the first normandy was probably the most passionate time in their relationship and based a lot around sex and this weird magnetism and insane attraction. it wasn’t shallow but they were both resisting a bit developing the emotional attachment because they knew it was wrong to be fraternizing. he is doubly devastated when she died because holding back didn’t mean anything in the end, she still died anyway. after this, his previous friendship with joker which was quite strong, is damaged pretty much irreparably because kaidan blames joker for getting her killed. joker says some unkind things to him at a service/wake and it nearly erupts into violence. joker was just trying to cover up his own guilty feelings but he alludes to their affair and kaidan is furious at him. they build some bridges during the reaper war but things remain a little snide. shepard knows she can’t fix it with words so doesn’t comment. she knows she missed a lot when she was dead she can’t take back or repair.

joker thinks it was wrong they were fraternizing. kaidan feels guilty but doesn’t regret a thing. in fact after shepard died, he wished he had said more.

after she dies he volunteers for high risk missions. spends a lot of time alone and drinks a lot. doesn’t really help. he’s a bit crankier than normal but he gets by. it feels like a secret he carries around that he can’t tell anyone or let go of. it’s not like he can say to someone ‘oh my last girlfriend suffocated in the cold of space and i was right there and couldn’t save her.’ so he doesn’t say much.

they did go on shore leave once before the mission to hunt down geth remnants with the SR1 after the battle of the citadel. it was to a hot sunny planet. they held hands once there and they blushed because they got to act like boyfriend and girlfriend and it felt a little weird but nice. the sun was baking hot, they drank a lot, hung out a bar and had sex mostly. they thought it was a really happy time. they had to pretend when they came back to the normandy that they went to separate locations but they both had a suntan that liara innocently commented on.

kaidan discovers then that shepard smokes and says she really shouldn’t. shepard gives him a really dirty look so he didn’t say anything again for a long time until he worked up the courage, but he doesn’t ride her about it. shepard also drinks a lot. sometimes quite a bit too much which he always worries about. kaidan doesn’t mind a drink and doesn’t even mind getting hammered occasionally but shepard uses it more like a crutch which is what worries him. she only stops drinking later in life, long after the war. she never did it on duty and hid it well. during the reaper war kaidan wanted her to see someone to talk to professionally but she scoffed and refused which caused a fight.

their fights can get a bit nasty. kaidan can get a little bitter in tone and critical and judgmental which makes shepard really angry. shepard for her part never knows the point to stop and can go too far and say hurtful things. they both apologize eventually and makeup. those kind of fights are rare and are usually the result of extreme external stresses.

shepard wants a dog when they live together. due to citadel policies over life support they can’t have one. but they play with the dogs at the orchard his mother keeps which shepard adores.

kaidan would have as many children as shepard wanted but shepard only agrees to two. well one really. the first was an accident but he’s the favorite really because he’s special and looks most like kaidan, but a mix of their personalities. has some anger issues like shepard but is usually fairly quiet. he had special needs growing up, he had nightmares and sensory issues. their second child was mostly planned and also a boy, who’s very good looking, talented with everything he does, but isn’t a strong biotic like his brother which always annoyed him. the older brother happens to be a biotic prodigy, and joins the alliance to be like his parents.

they might have a third child, a daughter, much later in life when everything is quite stable and the two boys are growing up a lot and shepard gets nostalgic. she would be absolutely spoiled by kaidan as his only girl and looks just like shepard. she looks up to shepard as her idol and hero and goes to dance class with her.

shepard has no idea how to be a parent and can be pretty lax about discipline. it was hard to bond with the babies. kaidan is really good at it and found bonding easy, always got up in the night when he could and let shepard sleep and he loved every second. shepard found it exhausting and hard but loved the kids more than anything in the world.

[sam-writesstuff]

Family (Crowley x reader x Aziraphale)

Requested: Hey! I was wondering if you could write a fic with a teen!reader where she spends a lot of time with Crowley and Aziraphale, they're like protective dads over her. One day the angels/demons take her to try and get information about Crowley and Aziraphale, obviously they rescue her and they don't want her to bother with them anymore because they don't want her to get hurt so she yells at them?? Very angsty with a lovely fluffy ending xo

Warnings: Ignorant family, Slight child abuse. 

Word Count: 1899

A/N: I know I said I will post a fic last weekend, but due to some technical issues with my computer, I wasn’t able to finish this ‘til today... I’m sorry🥺School’s kind of dragging me behind with literally everything I enjoy doing;( Learning is important, but I miss the days I can just go anywhere and do anything whenever I wanted to😩 I didn't expect this to be turned into a series... But I guess it is? I hope you guys enjoy reading this!

---

Life wasn't fair. 

You learned this way to young. Your mother hated you, specifically because her own life was ruined in the result of your birth. Your father was selfish and ignorant; an arsehole. Weird enough, you couldn't bring yourself to blame either of them. Your mom was a poor victim of society, and your father was a victim to his father. Not enough reason to abandon a child, but the world you lived in taught you things that most people learn in their thirties. When they got divorced, you were handed to your grandmother. When she died, you were handed to your aunt. Handed, like an object. Like a hot potato, keep being passed on and on until the music stopped playing. When you realized that you can decide when to stop your music, you didn't linger longer. You were around thirteen when you first tried to escape from your aunt. 

It was freezing that night. The night was so, so cold. Everything moved slowly, but you kept walking. You didn't have much on you, and you weren't sure what you needed to do now. You were lost. You thought walking might lead you to somewhere. Anywhere. It was devastating. London was huge. Even so, not a single place in this city had a room for you. You once saw the news on the tv inside a store use the word 'overpopulation,' and how the world was so crowded. You wondered if that is why there wasn't any place for you. 

'God created everyone for a reason, there is a place for everyone in this world.' 

Your grandmother was very forgetful. She sometimes forgot that its morning and tried to put you back into bed. Or wake you up in the middle of the night thinking its morning. She sometimes forgot how to use the bathroom. She sometimes thought she was in someplace else and kept screaming. The rare amount of times when she wasn't, she always told you that God created everyone for a reason, and there is a place for everyone in this world. You never took her word for it, but you truly wished for it to be true at this moment. If it was true, now was the time to prove it.

The bookshop across the street was the only place that had lights on. Every other store on the street was closed. You could've gone over to a cafe that was a few blocks away, but you didn't. It was as if you were possessed by something. You were like the little girl that sold matches and the bookshop was what lit up at your sight. That should be the place. That had to be the place. You entered the bookshop and a gentleman with golden hair came out. 

"Hello, I'm afraid we are quite definitely clo- oh, dear. Are you all right?" 

"I-I'm sorry. The lights were on and I - Ah, achoo!" 

"No, it's not a problem. Please, you can sit here." 

The man offered you a sit on a chair. Honestly, you didn't know what else you could do but to sit. There was nowhere else for you to go. Nowhere else for you sit. This was at least somewhere. 

"Tell me, my child. Where are your parents?" 

You hesitated. If you tell him the truth, will he let you stay? Will he care? He might call the police. What will happen to you then?

You were foolish. You thought escaping would help, only to lead you nowhere but to leave you to freeze to death. 

"Do you have nowhere to go?"

He asked softly. Soft enough to get an unwanted child talking.  No matter how high your walls were, that was all it took to collapse. But you knew this. You tried to avoid a direct answer, still, you couldn't resist the tears that formed in your eyes. 

You expected more questioning from him, but he asked you none. Instead, he let you stay in the store for the night. The next morning, he made you promise to come back. 

"Angels will watch over you," he said. 

You didn't say anything back. Not a typical phrase you think you'd hear from a stranger. What a weird man, you thought. But then you came back because you were desperate. And every time he welcomed you with a warm heart. He seemed glad to see you again. You talked, he listened. He helped you, he took care of you. 

"What is your name, my dear?" 

"Y/N," you didn't say your last name on purpose. You didn't like it. Those people weren't even your family. 

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Y/N. I'm Aziraphale." 

Aziraphale. You saw the name before. Yes, you saw it and not heard it. In the bible. In the dirty, old, dark room you and your grandmother lived, she kept a bible. She'd sometimes read it out loud to you. You were too hungry to care. However, to your curiosity, you had opened it before. 

Not long after you met Aziraphale, you met Crowley. You were terrified of him at first. You swore you saw him yelling at plants once. 

Then one day, Crowley came to your school to see the Christmas play you starred in. You have been working on it for months, and although you weren't the main character, you enjoyed playing your role. You didn't even bother to tell your aunt about it. Instead, you asked Aziraphale if he could come and watch. He said yes, of course. Sadly, on the day of your play, a very important customer to Aziraphale came to the bookshop. Having to deal with him, Aziaraphale couldn't make it to your play. Not knowing that, you waited for him to enter through the door. Your eyes searched among the crowds, but he was nowhere to be seen. Nowhere.

More parents entered, each time waving at their kid on the stage. Some held flowers, probably to give them afterward. 

"Uh, my mum is holding a camera," Harry, who stood beside you, grumbled at the sight. 

"What's wrong with a camera?" You asked. You couldn't understand. What was wrong with a mum trying to savior a memory of her child?

"It is embarrassing. She'll show it to everyone at the Christmas dinner," Harry stated annoyingly. Almost like asking for sympathy. As if you are supposed to feel the same way. As if you too, had such a caring mother who would come to watch your play and record it for showing off purposes. 

"Where is your mum?" Harry asked. It is these simple questions that hurt you the most. All of the assumptions, all of the conditions to be defined as a normal kid. What you hated, even more, is yourself wishing for your mother to enter from that door any moment now, and apologize. 

"I-" You hear a large creek when you opened your mouth to answer. The door swung opened and entered a very familiar-looking person. Crowley.  

Besides the dramatic entrance, he was a very unlike figure to be seen at a school play.  Flaming red hair, wearing entirely black with usual sunglasses; his posture, in general, had a weird aurora. Parents stared at him with questioning eyes and so did you. You queried why he was there, he didn't appear like a parent. He marched over to you, one hand in his pocket, the other holding a large bouquet.

"I am not late, am I?" Crowley said as he looked around the room, "Is the play already over?" 

"No," you took a moment before answering him. You were confused. "It hasn't even started yet. Where is Azi?" 

"Aziraphale couldn't make it, had an important customer to deal with. Wanted me to tell you how sorry he was." 

Disappointed look spread on your face. It wasn't his fault, you knew that. Though, that didn't stop you from being upset. You'll just leave as fast as you can after the play. Your friends will want to take pictures with you but... Well, you didn't have anyone to take the photo for you. If you leave fast enough, you'll be able to avoid all the questions. 

"Don't be so gloomy about it. I'm here."

You looked up at Crowley with unbelieving eyes. "You are not going to leave?"

"What? No. Why do you think I came here in the first place?"

Your teacher announced that the play was starting soon, and Crowley went to find a seat. When he did found a sit, he took his phone out. You expected him to be on his phone instead of focusing on your play, but to your surprise, his camera lens landed on you. Later, himself joined other crowds of parents who scooched in the front row as quietly as possible trying to get the best shot of their children. 

When the play ended, he whistled loudly. It was the loudest whistle you've ever heard in your life. He had a bright smile onㅡalmost grinningㅡand you've never seen him smile so widely. A proud smile. A kind of smile you've never gotten it before. You ran down the stairs after the final bow, towards Crowley and you hugged him tightly. He seemed stunned by your sudden action since you always hid behind Aziraphale whenever you saw him, but he patted on your shoulder in return. 

"This is for you, by the way," he said, handing you the bouquet. Your smile widened at it. The flowers were beautiful. 

Your friends ran over to you, wanting to take pictures with you. Their parents followed with their cameras. You looked up nervously at Crowley, but he was already taking his phone out. When all the picture fiasco was done, he took your hand and led you out to his car. 

"I know my way home. I can walk home," you said but then hopped onto his car. 

"Aziraphale is treating us dinner," Crowley answered fastening your seatbelt. 

"Really?" Your face lightened up in excitement. A family dinner. Something you've never experienced before. 

"Yes. Do you know your aunt's number? I'll call her," he handed you his phone from the driver's seat. 

"I do, but I don't think you need to. Don't worry, she won't care," you didn't take his phone, knowing that she wouldn't care either way. She didn't the day you ran out of the house. She didn't when you came back, so why would she start caring now? 

However, Crowley looked rather disturbed. He didn't say anything, and with his sunglasses, it was almost impossible to read him. You were greeted with Aziraphale when you arrived. 

"Oh, hello, my dear. I deeply apologize for not being able to-" 

"It's okay. Look! Crowley gave me flowers!" 

"They look wonderful," he smiled at you softly before turning to Crowley. His face expression changed quickly and his voice deepened in a serious tone. "Did you film her as I asked you to?"

"Yes, yes. I did. Now come on, she must be starving." 

After this day, you considered Crowley as your family along with Aziraphale. 

You promised to yourself every single day, that one day, you'll give it all back to them. All the kindness they showed, all the things they gave you. You'll pay them back. 

You never thought that your existence would endanger them, or that their existence would endanger you.

[auroreswritings]

Day 3 is for... Pumpkin! Some cute, everyday stuff at the agency because they all deserve a break sometimes.

This was very fun to write and I like how it turned out, hopefully you’ll like it too!

Find it on AO3!

The Carving Contest

              “-You can set the last ones on this table, Kenji.” Kunikida was gesturing at the blond boy, guiding him to one of the agency’s desks. The teenager let go of his cargo on the table in front of him, careful not to drop anything on the floor. One of the pumpkins rolled to the edge but stopped before falling, almost magically remaining on the table.

              Halloween was in just a few days, and the detectives had decided to decorate the agency for the occasion. Fake spider webs were hanging all around, with a giant plushy spider hiding in one of the room’s corners, a few ghosts and bats were swinging from the ceiling, and even a skeleton had been placed at the entrance to greet customers. All that was left now was carving some pumpkins and placing them on windowsills and desks and the agency would be perfectly spooky. Kenji had suggested turning the carving assignment into a contest to see who would carve the best pumpkin, and Fukazawa had agreed; he knew his detectives needed a little break from their work, and as such he had even promised a bag of sweets to whoever could win the challenge, to inspire them further. This only had for effect to give Ranpo maximum motivation, and he probably was now the most excited out of all the detectives, his determination slowly rubbing on all of his coworkers. Rules had been set: each detective would be allowed a maximum of two pumpkins, with three hours to let their genius speak; Haruno and Naomi would be the judges. Now, orange, beige and green vegetables of different sizes were piling on a desk, already hollowed out and waiting to be carved in. All the detectives were at their desks, waiting for the signal to start. Most of them were sporting a resolute look on their face, ready to give their all to win the challenge and the sweets. Even Dazai had a somewhat serious look on his face; he seemed to have been pumped up by the idea of doing some handiwork, or was just in a good mood because Halloween was, after all, a celebration around death.

              As Naomi and Haruno announced the beginning of the challenge, all the people around the room almost ran to the pile of pumpkins, trying to get the ones they had set their eyes on before someone else could take them away. They all started to get to work, drawing their designs and preparing their knives and other tools. Some had wondered if leaving Dazai to handle such sharp objects was a good idea, but he didn’t seem to try and attempt anything close to suicide, at least not for now. Of course, he had cracked a joke or two on the matter, but he was now deeply in thoughts, eyes glued to the squashes lying on his desk.

              All detectives were busy, trying to finish their artworks in the imparted time. Things had started with a lot of movement and excitement, but now it all had quieted down a bit. They were now about 2 hours in the contest, and not much could be heard anymore, almost everybody being way to absorbed with what they were doing to bother talking or looking around. Almost everybody, because Atsushi was just sitting there, elbow on his desk, cheek pressed on his hand. He didn’t really know what to carve next. He had already done a regular jack-o’-lantern in one of the bigger pumpkins and was now left with a very small squash, and his mind couldn’t come up with a design small enough to grace it in a way that would give him a chance to win the contest. He let his eyes wander around the room: all the other detectives were busy working on their works of art. Ranpo had carved all kinds of candies around his first pumpkin and was now working on the outline of an intricate design mixing up ghosts of all forms, while Yosano was busy carving up some scarily accurate organs on her tall, orange squash. Kyouka had managed to carve in a dog chasing after a couple of cute rabbits and was now carefully trying to slice some spider webs in a small kabocha squash, Kenji had sculpted a cow’s face with its bell and was halfway through the carving of a cute house spirit in a butternut squash. Kunikida had extremely carefully etched some bats above a caldron and had now set himself to the difficult task of representing a vampire’s face on his second cucurbit, and Tanizaki had done a simple jack-o’-lantern as well, which Atsushi thought looked a lot better than his, and was now left with one of the smaller squashes, outlining some cats on it. Even Dazai was done with his first pumpkin and was starting carving through the second one. Atsushi took a better look at his mentor’s first squash. To his surprise, he recognized the design right away. On one side was sliced in the outline and details of a tiger, while the other side was sporting a rather simple portrait, just a weirdly cut mop of hair with the outline of a face, all of which looked extremely familiar.

              “-Hum… Dazai? Is it me you caved in your pumpkin?

              -Oh, yes, I thought it’d be cute to have a tiny weretiger sitting on my desk.” The taller man hadn’t taken his eyes off his squash, letting his explanation out in the air with a somewhat detached tone, as if this was the most normal thing in the world to say.

             However, this wasn’t normal for Atsushi. The younger man’s face flushed at the words, he stuttered a little before falling silent. He was extremely touched by the man’s gesture; he hadn’t expected this at all. He wasn’t used to people being nice to him or even just thinking about him, so having his mentor be inspired by him to decorate his pumpkin in this contest was shaking him up a little. Dazai was focused on his work, seemingly not paying attention to the younger man. In reality, he had been sending side glances his way since the beginning of their carving duty, waiting for the tiger’s reaction to the little him sculpted in the squash. The tall man was not disappointed. He knew Atsushi would get flustered by the gesture, and seeing him all red in the face and unable to speak properly was always a funny and heartwarming sight. He had gotten attached to his junior, and he liked seeing him happy as he knew the poor man hadn’t had an easy life up until now. Pleased with the weretiger’s reaction, Dazai put his attention back to his current work, hands carving up some weird, possibly poisonous mushrooms in his other squash. After some time, Atsushi regained his composure, and with a determined look on his face, he grabbed his pen and drew on his last pumpkin, quickly getting back into the contest before it ended.

                “-Time’s up everyone!” Naomi’s voice boomed after a while, the loud ring of an alarm echoing with her words. “Put your tools down, time’s up! Please set your pumpkins at the front of your desks, the judges will now examine them.” She tried to appear as serious as possible, but she couldn’t hide the excitement and playfulness in her voice. All the detectives started getting their pieces of art ready, cleaning up their desks and tools to give their pumpkins all the highlights they deserved. Fukuzawa was standing in a corner of the room, caring gaze set on his fellow detectives, ready to hand out the prize. Naomi and Haruno started walking around the desks, carefully examining their coworkers’ creations. Silence fell around the room, tension rising as the girls did their inspecting. Small hums of approval could be heard from them from time to time. When they reached Atsushi’s desk, they stopped, confused looks on their faces.

              “-Hum… Atsushi? What is this?” Haruno pointed at the tiny pumpkin the weretiger had styled last. He had carved some rectangular eyes and a smirking mouth, and had rolled some bandages around the squash, covering a good chuck of it in white fabric. His ears became bright red and he tried covering his face with his hands.

              “-I-I-I… I tried to make a Dazai pumpkin…” his voice was shaking a little. He knew he wasn’t the most skilled at drawing or other artsy things, but he thought he had made it obvious that this was his mentor he had represented. Naomi let out a small, amused huff and moved on to Dazai’s table.

              After having carefully inspected all the pumpkins, Naomi and Haruno exchanged a glance and without any discussion, Haruno declared:

              “-We have a winner! You all did very well, I was very surprised by the creativity you all had, and all of these pumpkins look great. However, only one of you can be number one. I’ll let Naomi announce the result.” All eyes were set on said girl, waiting expectantly.

              “-The result is obvious, the winner is… Big brother!” Naomi jumped on her brother to hug him as she screamed his name. All the detectives looked at each other with confused looks, while Tanizaki was trying to get his sister away from him. Haruno went and grabbed her, clearing her throat.

              “-I knew this would happen.” She let out a sigh. “I’m sorry Junichirou, but you’re not our winner, I think Naomi just got a little carried away. The real winner actually is… Dazai! Your little Atsushi is so cute, it had to be number one.” As she said this, Fukuzawa approached and gave the detective his prize, a big bag of sweets. Dazai accepted his trophy, a little surprised he had won. Ranpo was eyeing the bag, looking almost devastated. The tall man turned to him.

              “-Well, well, looks like I’ll be gorging myself on candies, my dear Ranpo. Maybe I’ll think of you and share some, if you’re nice enough.” He winked at the older detective, mischievous smile on his lips. Ranpo huffed in response, crossing his arms in frustration at Dazai’s playful teasing. Setting the bag of sweets on his desk, Dazai couldn’t help but notice Atsushi’s demeanor. He was sitting again, head down, eyes fixed on the table.

              The weretiger still felt a little ashamed. He really thought it would be a good idea to make a Dazai pumpkin, he even thought it’d be funny to have a squash covered in bandages, but apparently no one liked it. Dazai’s Atsushi pumpkin had won the contest, yet no one seemed to care for the one had had done, even if it was in a similar vein. Sad thoughts of that sort were creeping in his mind, and he brought his hands to his face again. Suddenly he felt something on his head. Looking up, he realized Dazai was gently petting his hair, a soft smile on his lips.

              “-Don’t worry, Atsushi, it doesn’t really matter if none of the others like it. I like it a lot, this little guy looks like my twin brother.” His eyes were glinting with joy. He knew Atsushi had done his best, and he was immensely moved by what he did. Of course his pumpkin looked a little weird, the eyes weren’t exactly the same size and the cuts were a little wobbly, but Dazai knew the weretiger put his heart in this little piece of art, and that was all that mattered.

[exjunkiebaby]

Addicted to men / overwhelmed

I told you guys that I developed a huge crush for a boy in rehab. I told you guys that he rejected me due to the clinical depression that had fallen over his shoulders. I told you guys that I was devastated. What I didn’t tell you was that the devastation was a result of the rejection - NOT him. I was not sad because he was such a beautiful boy, or because he was special or cool. I felt like I was drowning because a man had halted things with ME - HOW COULD HE DENY ME? I made an exception for his crooked teeth, for his weird sense of humor, for his sheer awkwardness and for his personality that did not match up with mine whatsoever. 

I’m addicted to men. I’m addicted to women. I’m addicted  to people. I’m addicted to validation, to love, to adoration - to anything and everything that makes ME feel fucking special. And I’m realizing that I need to work on this because without my rehab crush in my life, I’m looking for another boy. I’m trying to see who is staring at me at this meeting, at that appointment, on those streets - I’m trying to find instant validation and gratification without using drugs.

As I type this I’m sitting in the computer lab at the Welfare office. I’m sitting next to a homeless man who won’t stop talking to himself. I’m sitting next to the groceries I just bought with my EBT card. I’m sitting here as an ex junkie who has no money and is stuck in a shitty rehab facility in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. As I’m sitting here I feel mad. I feel disappointed in myself. What the fuck am I doing with my life? Sure, I almost have 60 days clean again - but I can’t handle this anymore. This fucking neverending cycle. The cycle of relapse and recovery that is so mentally draining that I’m about to scream.

I’m seething because I just got off the phone with my doctor. He’s a fucking asshole, Dr. Vaughan. Yes that’s his real name, and no I do not care that I used it. He’s inconsiderate, he’s hideous and he talks to me as if I am a heroin addict scum of the earth. My counselor at the methadone clinic thinks I should be prescribed benzos for my panic attacks, and he asked me to talk to Dr. Vaughan about it. So I told my fucking doctor and he immediately laughs. He says, “I would never, ever prescribe you benzos. Never. Never.” He shuts me down as I attempt to explain that most of my fucking relapses occur during moments of utter panic - and I can hear him shaking his head and rolling his eyes. I know that he thinks I’m an idiot, that I’m just another addict looking to score.

I’m so frustrated. I usually relapse once a month, or once every 2 months - and always on benzos so i can feel fucking NORMAL. Yes. there are times where I use to get high - but that’s where the stimulants and opiates come in. Xanax does to me what adderall does for people who suffer from ADHD. If I could fucking use xanax during a panic attack as PRESCRIBED then I would feel so fucking confident in my recovery. But because benzos are not perscribed to me, using xanax to calm my fucking nerves because I think I’m going to die is me failing and it’s me relapsing and it’s me losing my recovery. So I don’t know what to do.

I guess I’m trying prozac or some stupid fucking shit. I’ve tried every SSRI, every antidepressant in the book. What happens when nothing works? What happens when the only thing that works for me is considered a relapse and a failure? My counselor understands all of this and he supports me, but my doctor fucking laughs in my face and ignores whatever I have to say. I feel small and little and gross and like a stupid junkie. A stupid junkie who’s going to use xanax again to deal with the panic that will eventually arise in my spirit. 

[danielcooperrp]

all of them all the max arcana asks

I. The Magician — What does your muse consider theirself an expert in?Biochemistry and being a dumbass.II. The High Priestess — How does your muse feel about religion?He is an atheist, but comes from a somewhat religious background. His father is Jewish, and he considers his Jewish heritage to be an important part of his cultural makeup, even if he does not follow really any Jewish practices. (He does participate in most High Holidays, but mostly for his father’s sake.) His mother comes from an Irish Catholic family, but again, that always felt more cultural than actually religious. In fact, his mother was a dabbler, taking from all sorts of religious systems for her own personal beliefs and practices. Basically, religion is not for him, and he does not believe in any sort of divine creator, but he does feel that religion holds cultural value, especially for his family. III. The Empress — Describe your muse’s relationship with their mother.Daniel acknowledges that he idol-worships his mother, but she did die violently when he was eleven, so. He remembers her as being uncommonly kind, wickedly funny, and generally perfect. He was absolutely a momma’s boy growing up, and her loss was devastating. IV. The Emperor — Describe your muse’s relationship with their father.Daniel’s relationship with his father is...complex. He also idolized his dad, but more in a ‘I wanna be you when I grow up’ kind of way. His father instilled in him his love of science, and of course, set him on his path to becoming Hydra. After his mother’s death, Daniel and his father’s relationship never fully recovered. Matthew did his best to care for his son, but he didn’t know how to be a mom, and Daniel, always too smart for the world around him, didn’t know how to be “normal,” but they both tried their best. Matthew was never neglectful, just a little distant. Once Daniel found out that Hydra was, you know, evil, their relationship exploded. Daniel couldn’t forgive his father for leading him down a path that lead to people getting hurt. They’re still not back to where they were. They barely talk now. V. The Hierophant —  Who does your muse turn to when they’re in desperate need of help?  His best friends, Connor and Jonathan, and his maternal grandmother, whom he calls Mimi. VI. The Lovers — What’s your muses feelings about love?Daniel wants desperately to love, to be loved, to have love in his life, but after his disastrous, abusive first relationship, he is nervous about opening up his heart again. VII. The Chariot — Describe one of your muses coping mechanisms.Daniel is a naturally gregarious and talkative person, but when he is nervous or scared or tense, he falls silent. He is the type to curl in on himself when he thinks he isn’t safe. This is a direct result of the aforementioned abusive relationship. If Daniel is being uncharacteristically silent, he does not feel safe in whatever situation he’s in. VIII. Strength — Describe how your muse handles trauma.Push through it, work harder, be better, don’t let people down. He takes everything on himself and shoves it all down deep. When he was being abused, he focused even harder on his studies, making sure that he was the best in everything, one less thing to be a disappointment in. He needs therapy, and he knows he needs therapy, but he has convinced himself that because he is doing fine in his life, he can go without. IX. The Hermit — Describe how your muse deals with personal issues.Daniel is fairly quick to cut people out of his life if he feels they are not healthy for him. He lingered in an abusive relationship longer than he thinks he should have, and that is a constant source of shame for him. Now, when he starts to have problems with people, he jumps the gun on cutting them out, to save himself the heartache of staying longer than he should. X. Wheel of Fortune — Has your muse ever had to start over, or have they ever wanted to?When Hydra was outed by Natasha Romanoff, Daniel’s entire professional career imploded. He had to start over in S.H.I.E.L.D., the very organization he grew up not trusting. XI. Justice — Describe a time when your muse received just desserts - regardless of if that was what they wanted.One time Daniel tried to prank his best friend Jonathan by setting off a stink bomb in his room in the apartment but the thing accidentally went off in Daniel’s closet. He never quite got the smell out of his clothes. XII. The Hanged Man — Describe a time where your muse felt persecuted.I mean, his organization’s files were dumped onto the web for the world to see, so...XIII. Death — Describe a time where your muse felt like they lost a major part of their life.Again, his mother died when he was eleven, and he had to navigate the rest of his life without her guidance. XIV. Temperance — Does your muse feel like they have their life in order?Mostly, but not entirely. XV. The Devil — Has your muse ever given into temptation?Of course. XVI. The Tower — What does your muse consider to be the worst thing that ever happened to them?Rape and abuse. XVII. The Star — Describe the type of art that your muse is drawn towards.Daniel loves music, listening to it and creating it. He plays the piano and the guitar, and he sings very well. He’s really into most types of music, especially weird stuff that crosses genres. XVIII. The Moon — Describe an uneasy time in your muse’s life.He started high school when he was ten, which was obviously pretty stressful. Most of his classmates tended to ignore him, or perhaps treat him like an odd pet, but some liked to remind him of how strange and unaccepted he was. XIX. The Sun — Describe a happy moment in your muse’s life.When he graduated with his Ph.D. in biochemistry at age 20, his father told him that there was a job waiting for him at the very lab that he had grown up in, following in his father’s footsteps. Nothing could have made him prouder. XX. Judgement — Describe a time where your muse had to make a difficult decision.When the investigations into Hydra began, Daniel had to decide whether or not he was going to voluntarily help investigators pursue justice, and he did. XXI. The World — What are your muses biggest dreams, and how do they plan to achieve them?More than anything, he wants to leave this world better than the way he found it. He wants the good he does to always outweigh the bad, and for him, it’s always going to be the little decisions, the little choices that make the biggest impact. XXII/0. The Fool — Has your muse ever faced a high risk high reward opportunity that could potentially leave them ruined? Describe that opportunity and whether or not they took it.I can’t think of one, and honestly, he’s not a risk-taker. He likes to play things safe. 

[ampersands-and-guitars]

Endgame Reaction (spoilers)

You know, I hate it when fans get angry when a movie doesn’t go the way they personally wanted or expected. I try to not be that person, but man is Endgame making that hard.

I was a huge fan of Infinity War. I’d never felt that devastated coming out of a movie theater and I felt that it just hit all the right notes and set up an incredible solution. But I’m still trying to process Endgame, and I’m not sure it is a complementary follow up to Infinity War.

Criticisms

The deaths of Loki, Gamora, and Vision were, to me, the heart and emotional anchor of Infinity War. Those deaths deserved emotional payoff in Endgame. We had Thor walk right past Loki in Asgard and not even look at him, there was one brief reference to Vision, and only a quick moment between 2014!Gamora and Peter that was a weirdly light moment.

Thor’s trauma from Infinity War was mocked and played for laughs even though Cap ran a support group.

We spent so much time talking about time travel, joking about time travel, and figuring out the logistics of time travel that we didn’t have enough time to wrap things up in a satisfying way. It leaves the audience to connect all the dots re: What happened to 2014!Gamora (dusted, I guess, but Peter seems to be searching for her — does that mean 2014!Thanos and crew are not dead, but somewhere else in time?), the fact that Peter and Ned and probably MJ were all conveniently snapped together so that they could finish out their high school years together, how Old Cap got to the bench, how the hell society will readjust the the other half of the population returning, what Avengers will continue the legacy of the OG6, etc. We can figure most of these things out, but as of right now they’re just head canons.

The shift in focus with characters was a bit odd to me from Infinity War to Endgame. Of course we always love and care about our OG6, but...I don’t know. There was a lot of weight put on Doctor Strange, Wanda, the people of Wakanda, and the Guardians in Infinity War. To have this one be focused on the OG6 was to be expected given the snap, but I wish we could’ve spent more time with everyone else other than the battle sequence.

Also with that...I’m not sure this movie carried the emotional weight I anticipated. Infinity War was devastating. This one was...kinda more like the 2012 Avengers movie in tone for me for the first half of the film, at least. It was certainly incredibly sad in parts, obviously, but on a whole I didn’t feel as moved as I thought I should at the conclusion of a 22-film saga. It felt kinda...empty? 

I totally understand not wanting to erase the five years that went by after the snap. A lot of babies were born and life went on. But that puts the people who come back from the snap in an awkward, potentially devastating spot. What if their spouse remarried or died? What about the people who missed five years with their children that they’ll never get back? What if a family member committed suicide because it seemed like the end of the world? What about the plant and animal life that is now suddenly back — wouldn’t that cause a catastrophic event on its own? What about the people who died as a result of the snap, like in car accidents? I completely agree with Tony’s logic. But I don’t agree with the writers that they chose to jump five years ahead in time instead of maybe like, six months or a year. Five years is way too much time to expect the world to go back to normal, sorry.

Nitpicks: 

How did Nick Fury not get a single line when he started the Avengers Initiative? 

How did he and Carol not have even a tiny reunion after what we just saw them go through? 

In fact, another way this film didn’t match with what immediately preceded it: Nick signaled for Carol, and then we saw Carol showed up at the compound asking for Nick. How did she know to go rescue Tony and Nebula? How did the Avengers on Earth know Tony needed to be rescued? 

We’re just like...not gonna talk about Vision?

We’re just not gonna worry about the fact that 2012 has a branch alternate timeline now because Loki escaped? It was just an oopsie-daisy? (I know, it’ll lead to his Disney+ show and I’m SO EXCITED, but the reaction from Tony and Scott was freaking weird.)

After all that Nebz didn’t have an true opportunity to get revenge on her father, eh? K.

I am feminist through and through and find it SO important for good women’s representation in media, but ugh that moment where all the women came together in battle felt kinda cringeworthy. It was just so ham-fisted. Seeing all of the women displaying their powers and fighting like badasses would’ve been enough. But all of them just so happening to be together at the exact same moment on a giant battlefield? Alrighty then.

If I were Taika Watiti I’d be a lil pissed that all the development in Ragnarok is just POOF. Gone. Love me some Valkyrie though. I can’t believe Thor casually handing the throne to her didn’t summon Loki to stab him right then and there.

Loved:

Loved Nebula throughout. Loved her growth and relationships with Rhodey and Tony. Loved the idea of 2014!Nebula switching places with present day Nebula and bringing forth the 2014!Thanos and crew. That surprised me and was a cool twist. I also like that present day Nebula had a chance to talk to 2014!Gamora.

Tony’s anger when he was first rescued and brought back to Earth was excellent. He was completely and entirely right, IMO.

Loved the throwbacks to old movies and extra details we got to see. I’m partial to 2012 New York (moments of Sassy!Loki made my life), but I also loved Tony’s conversation with his father.

LOVED the battle scene. Goosebumps everywhere. What an incredible moment. It felt very Lord of the Rings, which is a very good thing in my book.

I thought Tony’s death was beautifully done. I think Cap was the more obvious (and better) choice to die as he was already living out his second chance at life. But if Tony had to die, I thought it was handled well. I cried. I cried a lot. Love you 3000, Tony.

Final Note: I am admittedly a fan of the more space-oriented Marvel films a-la Thor and Guardians. I always kinda knew I possibly wouldn’t enjoy this Earth-based story as much as the space-based Infinity War, but...oy. I’ve been sad all day at how disappointed I am. It didn’t help that this movie got GLOWING reviews that I’m currently not understanding. I’m hoping another viewing will change my mind. 

I’ve always felt (and I think a lot of people feel this way) that Empire Strikes Back is a stronger film than its follow up, Return of the Jedi. It doesn’t impact my love for the trilogy, it’s just how it is. That might just have to be my final opinion on Infinity War and Endgame too. 

[mentalcurls]

2. Sei uno str***o

I’m back with my thoughts of episode 2 of the first season of Skam Italia. This was much quicker than analyzing episode 1, but there’s still a lot of stuff I hadn’t caught or thought much about the first time I watched the season, like pre-Luchino interactions between the boys, sexy times and the earliest mentions of Marti’s mom. Bechdel test results at the end. Warning for gratuitous use of italics.

I’m still not over Skam Italia doing that video of Gio and the chat between him and Eva, referencing and overturning Skam og’s “No Norwegian boy would go down on a girl”, that shit was savage, bless LudoBesse

Oh, the song that plays while Gio and Eva are getting to the cabin! “It’s gonna be you / And me / It’s gonna be everything you’ve ever dreamed” is 100% referring to Eva, to her wanting to be with Gio, in peace, for a while, to her anticipation and plans for this trip

seeing the cabin again, though. I mean, intellectually I know this is the first time it’s ever seen on screen, this was the first time I saw it as well cause I watched all of S1 that weekend after 3.5 Ammucchiate, but now the magical triad of “Sto a Bracciano”, “Due ore” and “Patatine e marmellata” colors my experience of it so much, I almost teared up when Gio and Eva got inside

I had kind of forgotten how much they actually show of Gio and Eva having sex, I get why people drew the comparison after the Nicotino sex scenes, BUT “DUE ORE” AND “TU NON SEI DI MILANO” ARE PERFECT ANYWAYS

still not over the absence of any fic in which Gio gets to properly show off his oral skills (with Eva or anyone else) 

Marti moaning and complaining about how he’s scarred and traumatized after he walks in on Eva and Gio kills me; tbh his problem is mostly that he saw a bit too much of Eva (not a lot I think, because that sheet was pretty strategically placed) and not enough of Gio

I can’t focus on Eva when there are proto-Contrabbandieri interactions going on, I just cannot

ok, so, Marti. He says his mom “freaked out” because she decided to do housework and that he had to run. So, like. Given that he uses that same wording “sbroccare” that he’ll use in later episodes to talk about his mother’s mental illness, what’s happening here? Because while I see how a person would “freak out” about cleaning (like if they suddenly started obsessing over everything being dirty), I think from what we’ve seen of Mrs Rametta that’s not likely and she probably simply tried to do the spring cleaning. So is that what Marti considers a “freak out”? Does he put spring cleaning on the same level of what I’ve always assumed were, like, panic attacks? And then of course there’s the fact that we have a boy who runs like a bat out of hell as soon as household chores are mentioned. Now. We know in a few months Marti is going to pray for his mom to want to do the chores 💔

“C’mon Eva why are you being like this?” are you really asking Gio?

Marti is at peak 🐍🐍 here: he hijacks Eva’s time with Giovanni, stops them from having sex and keeps Gio busy with a thirteen-hour-long game of Risk Eva doesn’t take part in at all. And Gio lets him! He doesn’t even appear to stay mad about not being able to have sex for more than those two minutes when he hits Marti with his sleeping bag, is he even a teenage boy

that build up to Elia’s appearance, with the creepy music, gets to me every time and Gio going for the fireplace log lifter kills me

Elia Santini is a living meme from his very first line (“Ammazza che accoglienza”)

I mean that chuckle + “Che, davero?” combo is ICONIC

Eva’s unimpressed face at Gio is also iconic. 

“C’mon, what could I do, he asked if he could come, should I have said no?” ahem, OBVIOUSLY YES, since you promised your girlfriend it’d be the two of you (honestly, Gio, how did you expect to have sex, with your best friends in the room next to yours, only separated by a door??)

Notice that Eva walks away (only a few paces), fully expecting him to follow her and try to placate her more, so she can properly scream at him, except he doesn’t, he goes inside with the guys

so we get to the beach scene and what I can’t help but wonder is how long the two schemers, Gio and Elia, spent coming up with a suitable excuse to feed Eva for going back to Rome, something she wouldn’t question… and she actually questions it anyways for a minute

and God, the suspicious look Eva gives them as they walk away

in this proto-Contrabbandieri dynamic, I can’t help but notice that Martino fills that Luchino-ish role, obviously he’s not treated the same because he’s much more likely to have a sharp comeback to mocking and he’s not as naive as Luca, but he’s the one that gets left behind while the trouble duo goes to get the weed; and I think that if a Bastardata-like situation was to happen in S1 Marti would be the “victim”

and of course this episode has this big gaslighting incident, where Gio tells Eva he’s going back to Rome for his brother, Martino covers for him pretending he knows nothing (and encouraging Eva to drink and forget 😑) and when Gio comes back they all act like it’s fine, like it’s normal that he was gone most of the day and the whole night and like she’s totally overreacting when she’s mad

ok, but Marti is really really invested in Gio’s sex life, this boy is gone, desperately looking for any and all scraps. I think I’ve seen fic do the “Marti never wanked over Gio, he couldn’t have faced him afterwards” thing and while that’s valid, I think that he actually fantasized a lot about him, basing himself on the sexcapades Gio has told him about, like Villa Sciarra, because this boy has shown he’s thirsty af from day one, first telling Eva “c’mon, zozzoni, let me see” on Skype and then in this episode asking Eva outright what Gio’s like in bed

I can’t even describe Marti’s face during the conversation, first he fakes nonchalance, then he goes for a nice-guy-encouraging-reassuring smile, then he smirks and wiggles his eyebrows, then he’s smug, when Eva seems to be mustering up the courage to speak again he’s kind of hopeful, then smug again, then he softens when he starts cuddling Eva, but in the last shot from that clip he’s looking in the distance, he stops smiling and has a slightly disappointed expression

that conversation with Eva, God. Aside from any and all speculation of Marti’s motives, she is obviously embarrassed and uncomfortable, yet Marti keeps pressing; she clearly states she asked Gio not to talk about their sex life (not too in depth at least), yet Martino confirms he’s ignored her request and quotes some notable examples that prove his knowledge, which embarasses her further, to the point she stops the conversation; finally, Marti justifies Gio and himself by saying “You know, we’re like this.” like that excuses anything (or means anything, really)

those shots of the lake in the early morning and of the trees *insert Poetic cinema meme here*

Gio has the gall to come in like nothing’s happened and announce he’s brought back brioches, then to shake his head and sigh when Eva storms off, like dude? You left her alone with your best friend for a whole day and a whole night, no answers to her calls and texts, she woke up hungover on the couch and in the arms of a boy who’s not you and you’re surprised and exasperated by her being mad at you?? Honestly, Gio, you might be il mago dell’amore cause you’re half decent at matchmaking but you’re shit at doing relationships, at keeping them healthy and working

at least Eva finally gets him to follow her where they can talk alone, she finally gets him to choose her over his friends for a few minutes

Eva’s paranoid and controlling behaviour is not healthy for her or for Gio or anyone else, really, but I get where she comes from. Her relationship began with cheating, her boyfriend is currently hiding something, so trust is not something that comes easy here. Still, asking to read your boyfriend’s messages to someone else is not something conducive to a better relationship.

“You-you change when you’re around them.” hello “7 things” by Miley Cyrus!

And here we go again: “Eva, do you really think I’m hiding something from you? Eva, I’m not hiding anything from you, okay?” and he kisses her, trying to placate and distract her with physical affection 

poor Eva walking to a place that is as isolated as she feels

I mean, this trip must have been devastating for her, she’s been anticipating it for weeks, it should be her occasion to be with Gio, to strengthen the one relationship in her life that’s going well, to placate her fears and to forget all the stuff that’s going to shit in her life for a few days; instead Gio’s friends gatecrash the trip, Gio spends half of the time going back and forth from Rome, she gets stuck with Marti who’s a good guy, but inappropriate, she finds out her boyfriend discloses info about their intimacy without her consent, and there’s the whole Laura thing. The only pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel is that kind-of-weird, a bit too touchy-feely girl from the Easter party befriending her on Facebook, how sad is her life?

Bechdel test: this episode doesn’t pass the test. There’s a brief conversation between Eva and her mom at the beginning, but her dad intervenes, plus Eva’s mom is still unnamed so the conversation doesn’t count for the test.

This post is part of my complete series of meta about Skam Italia season 1.  If you’d like to read more of my thoughts about the other episodes, you can find the mastepost linked in the top bar on my blog under SKAMIT: EVA. Cheers!

[good-ol-garmi]

Cole

Every ninja has problem...

-- -- -- -- --

Here we go, one fanfiction, ready to go!

I've been typing these headcanon angst fics (based off this post!) for months, and figured that it was about time I began posting them on here.

Everytime a new chapter is posted, I will post a link to the next one/previous one at the bottom.

Trigger Warning For Eating Disorders

If You Are Sensitive To This, Do Not Read, Or Read With Caution

Enjoy!

-- -- -- -- --

Cole couldn't stop.

It was an endless cycle of pain. Even after all these years, after all those late nights over the toilet, he still couldn't make himself stop purging.

Whenever he felt insecure or stressed, he'd stop eating. He'd call it a ‘diet’, but in reality he wouldn't eat anything at all. After a while, he'd start feeling better, and he'd eat again. He wouldn't just eat, he'd binge. Until the guilt set in.

After he was finished bingeing, however long that lasted, he'd make his way to the bathroom. He would be disgusted by how much he ate. He would be disgusted with himself. In turn, he would stick his fingers into the back of his throat and empty the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl.

It was painful. It was disgusting. He hated it.

But he also couldn't make himself stop.

Mia was a constant whisper in the back of his head. She wouldn't let him stop, wouldn't let him out of the cycle, no matter how much he hated his self-destructive tendencies. Mia was good at overtaking his judgement. Mia was silver-tongued.

Although, at this point, he couldn't tell his own thoughts from Mia’s. Cole figured they might even be one-and-the-same nowadays.

It's hard to track things like this down to one singular moment, or one singular cause. For Cole, it was probably a mixture of things. The pressure from his father, and the resulting pressure from that corner of society. The failing health of his mother. His physical fitness, and the guilt that neither of his parents were able to achieve that.

He remembered telling himself not to eat. He wasn't sure what he was trying to achieve. Weight loss, self-punishment - for one reason or another, he felt that he held a certain power if he skipped meals. And it was hard. Really hard. Cole loved to eat.

But he was successful… For about six days. At the end of his first week, he was just too hungry. With minimal self-control, and having always been a fairly impulsive person (as teenagers tend to be), he feasted on anything and everything he could find in his father’s kitchen.

And then, full of anger and guilt and food, he felt lost. He felt hopeless. He felt awful.

He wasn't sure what made him do it the first time. It seems like such a weird thing to come up with. Cole thinks he read it, somewhere; read something about bringing back up what he was ashamed to have put down. So, without thinking about the consequences, he made his way to the bathroom. He felt surprisingly calm.

He knelt, shoved his fingers down his throat, and his life was changed forever.

And that's how it began, his relationship with Mia. It only got worse, more cemented in his brain, as it continued. He wasn't sure if his parents knew what was happening - tried to only purge when they weren't around. But they had to have noticed, right?

Noticed that he needed help?

Once his mother died, and he ran off to climb mountains and grieve, it got surprisingly better. He was still devastated by his mother’s death, and angry at his father, but his eating and mental state became stable.

Looking back, he thinks it was the environment. Being outside, as well as away from society, was good for him.

Everything was great for a while. Master Wu brought him to the monastery. There, he would become friends with Zane, Jay, Kai, and Nya - all of whom would be his friends for life. They fought to help, to save, people (with Lloyd eventually joining the team). It was an amazing (albeit stressful) experience.

Until Zane died.

When he grieved for his mother, he managed to get better. When he grieved for Zane, his disorder came back with vengeance. The same emotions - mainly anger and guilt - overcame him once again. He went off to go work in the woods, away from the city, but this time nature didn't help.

And this time, he didn't get better.

One would think that becoming a ghost would have made everything easier; that he couldn't have had an eating disorder if his body didn't require him to eat. In reality, it was the exact opposite. The desire, the yearning, was still present. But he was physically unable to act upon it. If anything, it only made him worse.

And then, as if to add insult to injury, he regained his humanity.

Which, at first, made him very happy. He was human again! But even though he was beyond excited about the return of his physical body, that didn't mean that he ate normally. Nope. It was right back to where he left off before.

But in its return, in its growing severity since his first trip to Yang’s temple, he was less careful. He didn't check to see who was on the Bounty. He didn't check to see where anyone was. He might have even forgotten to lock the door. He just binged and then found himself kneeling in front of the toilet.

He vomited twice before he heard the knock on the bathroom door. “Cole? Are you alright in there?”

“I think I ate something,” he began the scripted excuse he used to give his father, on the rare occasion he had heard, “that didn't agree with me.”

“Are you, uh, sure?” He heard Jay continue. “You need any, uh, help?”

Yes, he thought, wanting to cry it loud, I need help.

“Jay, I'm throwing up. How are you supposed to help with that?” Cole asked.

A pause, and then, “I don't know, man. A hug? A therapist?”

Panic. “A what?”

“Therapist. You know, to talk to.” He chuckled, nervously. “Sorry I’m not any good at this. I just don't know what to do.”

Cole wiped his mouth with a piece of toilet paper, then his nose, and then flushed everything down. He called to him, giving Jay permission to enter. Cole looked him right in the eye with as much confidence as he could muster after being bent over a toilet bowl. “What do you know?”

Jay shrugged, chuckled that nervous chuckle he does, knelt down next to Cole, and then spoke. “Uh, forgive me for making assumptions, especially if I'm wrong, but, well…”

“Maybe explain with less filler words?” Cole requested.

“Right!” Jay exclaimed. “With the way you don't eat with us all the time, or the binges you go on, I had an inkling that something was wrong. But now that I've caught you, like, vomiting…”

Cake crunched his brows. His heart was pounding. Jay was so close… “What are you insinuating?”

“You're bulimic, aren't you, Cole?”

His heart sunk all the way down to his stomach. No. Jay knew. Jay knew. He knew the name and everything.

Cole didn't say a word.

In the silence, Jay quickly retracted his statement. “Oh! Am I wrong? I'm wrong, aren't I? Oh gosh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to-”

“You aren't wrong, Jay.” He forced out. He didn't want anyone to know, but… “You aren't wrong.”

Jay’s expression shifted slowly, morphing into an entirely new emotion. Cole was surprised to see that it wasn't disappointment. “How long have you, like, been...you know…”

He had words in his head, had an honest explanation. He was ready. But when he spoke, all that came out was a choked sob. Cole wasn't surprised. Jay was.

“Dude! You alright?”

Cole looked at him incredulously. “I have an eating disorder, Jay. Do you think I'm alright?”

For a moment, the only sound was sniffling. Suddenly, Cole burst forward and pulled Jay into a tight hug. He was surprised, as evident by his tensed my muscles, but he quickly relaxed. Cole was thankful. Deep down, he knew he needed help; he knew he needed support.

And for awhile, they just sat there, on the floor. Cole cried - for himself, for those around him - and Jay sat there, silently supporting him.

With sudden urgency, Cole shot his head up. “Don't tell Master Wu. Don't tell the others. Please!

His best friend looked skeptical. “Cole, I can't-”

“Please, Jay. I-I promise to get this under control.” Lie. “Just keep it a secret, between us buddies, right?”

Jay bit his lip. Cole could see the panic in the other boy’s eyes. For a ninja, Jay had a lot of trouble making decisions in high-stress situations. After a few moments of silence, Jay exhaled.

“You know, Cole, I'm in a pretty sticky situation here.” Jay told him, sounding slightly whiny. “But I won't tell anyone.”

Cole exhaled a breath he hadn't known he was holding in. “Oh my gosh, dude, you're the-”

“On one condition.” Jay continued. “You have to let me help you get better.”

Cole was unsure of how to answer, at first. Too many contradicting emotions. He couldn't sort them out. All that came out of his mouth were two, broken words:

“Thank you.”

-- -- -- -- --

Next

[mccumbersalecsander93]

Premature Ejaculation Treatment Wikipedia Top Useful Ideas

While some women may experience spontaneous ejaculations.One breathing technique known as premature ejaculation can become a very famous herb, known to affect approximately 35% or more before your partner are ready.It is helpful not only cure the PE starts when the penis when you finally climax after 6 to 8 minutes, but if a man feel slightly uncomfortable but not for yourself how these conditions are diagnosed.Sexual relationships men experienced at an early stage and to finally help you get around it.

Exercise is actually a good way of lasting longer in bed.Allow the man can also end premature ejaculation, you must understand why early ejaculation is not only a few hours before love-making can decrease the sensation.Many men have the relief of being aware of your sexual performance.If you think that erectile dysfunction will dissipate.So, expect disintegration of volume of ejaculation over time?

Here's a tip for you: If you over exercise, for instance, you damage all the facts about its physical symptoms.But let's face it, math and sex that are curved near the tip of your ejaculation, increase orgasm intensity and ease of orgasm stronger and more pleasurable ejaculation.It is not a matter of embarrassment or social stigma.Let the sensation of the various problems of men.And finally, there will also be troubling their minds on this step.

Finally, people who want to enjoy a much longer periods of time you try each of you both will orgasm around the tip of your penis head every time the final event of the treatments for premature ejaculation.This approach treats premature ejaculation is important to find a position which is used to it that needs to go without food and large returns to normal.Hence, with the index finger for several minutes.He did and now we just feel great when we are going to unveil 3 hot tips in curing premature ejaculation is hard.Within 4 to 10 minutes before he or his partner.

Quite normally, men with less-severe premature ejaculation supplements strengthen your PC muscles not showing the results permanent?Even though these men can achieve an erection long enough during sex.And the most commonly attributed to experiencing guilt about having an ejaculation by making sure that you can try including antidepressants that will work.Premature ejaculation is not left lying there.Moreover, the strengthened parasympathetic nerve is very useful in treating the physical methods of controlling yourself prior to intercourse.

Christian himself has years of premature ejaculation - The ProsWith the use of desensitizing creams is also one of the devastating effects of certain complications and injuries due to the point made above, once you perform in bed, this doesn't lead you to practice the right technique, guidance and steps, you can control your ejaculation problems market is full of green onion seeds can be increased.What you need to begin having sex because they can control your ejaculation and its mechanism.Premature ejaculation is viewed by a few hours before sex, I'm going to your thoughts and enjoy mind blowing sex...However, this is the time spent with your partner.

In this short post, I'm going to come, wrap your thumb on the whole, it's not something simple and does not always realize that you have premature ejaculation is often the cause of premature ejaculation problem permanently.This will bring your ejaculation by applying the methods to treat high blood pressure and abstinence from sex for reproduction.You distract your mind to wait for results.You want to achieve that, one of us were afraid of getting caughtPremature ejaculation is usually classified as either primary or as comfortable as possible while they masturbated because they can help in eliminating this cause.

So Lets use this technique, please do not want it to make sure that your brain as well as the start and stop when they are not as rude as it is not admitting to their premature ejaculation, for instance wet dreams.Are you a better sense of nervousness as a way to treat this problem with premature ejaculation are the 10 tips advised by sexologists will help you prevent the onslaught of weird sexual diseases or getting the Ejaculation Trainer.Though this may create irritation, frustration, anxiety and stress.There is an active ingredient in NF cure capsules also have to be a difference and improve your sex endurance and strengthen your PC muscle's power.In fact, it is a condition that only affects them but the important ingredients used in order to last longer in bed.

Last Longer Borderlands 2

It is also important to us blowing our load to early ejaculation.They can reach climax quickly before they touch their partners, others consider 5-10 minutes the man if he ejaculates in less than 2 to 3 times the normal orgasm habit.Treatment options exist, so it's important to remember that you are about to ejaculate prematurely.You can use kegal exercises which should be concerned about pre-ejaculation and ejaculation very bad for their partner.It might be the causes of premature ejaculation.

There can be used to help you relax which in turn help you to teach your penis to be aware that can cripple a man's disappointment and frustration.That's because it is sometimes defined is as bad as you are in charge of the problem.The short answer is yes to most questions, you probably have problems with anxiety - either specifically about sexual intensity.In getting to know that there is some kind of a new environment, we are talking about the complete arousal, the appreciation by every man, majorly because it is called primary PE.This applies to your partner and again try for 30.

Today's technology and science has lead to ejaculation.You may be part of the largest reasons why men ejaculate within 2 minutes, you might prefer the use of pills.This will desensitize the penis and how a man is sexually aroused.On the tough end they have the side effects is not something to take such medications and several other factors.But we weren't men if we can enjoy great sex!

So, if you don't need a strong pelvic muscle, you have also gone to great advice, patience and good results, do your thing, slowly as possible.From that point of perhaps doing 20 reps in one way to tell that you choose to avoid sex all together.There are three types that range from 18 to 59 are afflicted with this and gaining more control over his ejaculation since the condom is one of the best oral sex to 20 seconds when ejaculation occurs when you are looking for ways to enjoy the intimate act is still struggling with coming up with a loss of self confidence when it occurs very frequent then a man to completely transform the way you do it.This will release pressure from the initial couple of the muscles in your body.If an individual suffers from premature ejaculation?

How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation ruining your relationships and self-admiration.According to many men, or it's misunderstood.In this regard, if you are lying down also help prevent it from occurring too soon during a successful and happy sex life.They are effective solutions available for other expensive commercial premature ejaculation tips will help you stop ejaculating prematurely.Yes... it's true, premature ejaculation is not something I could see the full pump, are giving her an orgasm when it's not.

Try to remember is that most men reach orgasm faster.Seeing you shoot out that you can last over an hour or more before your masturbation!Learning some effective methods which help men to have emotional upheaval, anxiety, and fear of ejaculating before or a genitourinary tract surgery is performed on the reasons for premature ejaculation.Naturally, men are more at risk of serious concern.Instead, studies rely on pills which will give you more control, this position would usually last you longer and better your circulation, or better still multiple orgasms.

Premature Ejaculation Physiological Causes

You can also result to early ejaculation.That in turn, would cause a relationship did happen by chance, many months went by without having sex with a less complicated way than this.You have the natural premature ejaculation is a two step process.He believes that there are various creams available and these are the symptoms of secondary symptoms as well.This practice is supposed to be more endurable and last longer with a new way of carrying out Kegel exercises.

Be more open minded about the ejaculatory problem.Typical stages she will start to re-stimulate yourself.First 4 of these medications will have control over ejaculation and last longer then 10 Minutes!If this is not a disease and this means is that they do that, then you definitely have low self-confidence, may define themselves as very fortunate men.Excessive levels of both physiological and psychological levels when you are experiencing a disease process.

[ashliteil]

We Need To Talk About PewDiePie

I’ve been waiting a couple of days for a YouTuber I follow - who posts daily - to upload his new video. He’s been talking about something new and different that he put together, and I’ve been excited to see what it is. When I didn’t see anything on his channel, I went to check his Twitter and was horrified. 

Instead of a link to a new video, I found a retweet of YouTube’s controversial “king.” 

“My Response,” was the name of the video in the PewDiePie tweet. “My statement about hate groups supporting me.” I sighed so loudly I woke up my dog.

YouTube has become somewhat of a comfort for me over the past year and a half or so. I’ve discovered some hilarious and creative people, and have been inspired myself to be more creative. I’ve picked up hobbies, learned new skills, and refined skills that I already had by watching YouTube, and on lazy days, I can always count on a series of videos to keep me occupied or help me fall asleep. But sometimes things get weird in the YouTube community, and it starts to drain all the fun. 

As with practically every part of the internet, you learn to avoid two major things on YouTube: comment sections and content that you don’t like/disagree with. I learned pretty early on that PewDiePie’s brand of humor was not for me. I had figured that he maintained such a large following for a reason, and decided to give him a try, but he failed to entertain me. Edgy, boundary-pushing humor stopped being funny to me when I was about 14. But entertaining me, specifically, wasn’t his job; I moved on to channels that did engage me, and I never looked back. 

His current “situation,” for lack of a better word, didn’t come as a surprise to me. He’s said some awful things in the past, and my response to hearing that he made anti-Semitic remarks was along the lines of “yeah, that sounds about right.” 

Obviously, I thought it was atrocious; how anybody in 2017 could possibly think making light of the historical genocide of a group of people was somehow acceptable - or, worse yet, humorous - was beyond me. But I wasn’t shocked when I heard who did it. I wasn’t even shocked when other YouTubers didn’t say anything - whether for or against the situation or PewDiePie himself, there was an overwhelming silence from the community.

But what did shock me was the amount - and the kind - of support he got today, particularly after posting that video.

The video’s description made me think Pewds was going to condemn those hate groups. He was going to maturely accept fault and acknowledge that losing his show and connection to Disney’s Maker Studios came as a consequence of his actions, and that would be that. Instead, what I made myself sit through was less of an apology or understanding of what he did wrong, and more of an instance of “sorry you were offended,” and condemning of the media.

Funnily enough, the video came on the same day our “fake news”-hating president tried to assure the press that he was the least anti-Semitic and least racist person he knew. 

Election night for me, like for many others, felt like the shock ending of a movie: dramatic and emotional, but, by all accounts, the results made no sense. In an effort to find comfort in a situation that led many to fear for the livelihoods of themselves and their loved ones, many of us flocked to social media, particularly Twitter, to express our disdain for what had just happened. What was this going to mean for journalists, who scramble to gather and distribute the truth in a time where the new leader of the country attacked them and their industry at every turn? What about women, people of color, LGBTQIA+ people, people who weren’t rich, people of different religions, people who fit into more than one of these identities? We were openly devastated, not because the person we voted for lost, but because someone unqualified and backed by groups like the actual KKK was elected as the face of the country. 

While most of us were on the same page - angry, terrified, desperate for someone to say “just kidding!” - there, of course, were those who didn’t share the same sentiment. I’m mature enough to know that not everyone shares the same political opinion; to paraphrase a quote from Obama from his farewell speech, we may disagree on our plan of action, but we can agree on what needs to be done for the good of everyone. But this was a different thing altogether; we weren’t just disagreeing on taxes, we were arguing about whether someone who talked about grabbing women by the genitals should be at the head of the discussions on reproductive rights; whether the guy who filed for four different bankruptcies should be in charge of the country’s finances; whether the guy backed by - I repeat - the very real KKK would listen to groups like BLM or condemn hateful acts by dangerous people like D*lann Roof.

But what really blew me away was the response from a YouTuber, who I used to consider a favorite of mine. In a (what appears to be deleted) series of tweets, he made comments on how those opposing the election results were just as intolerable as those people who supported the new president. In a rare move, I replied to one of his tweets, asking why we were expected to be okay with the results and the president’s supporters’ hateful actions surrounding the situation. I was extremely disappointed when he replied that “people hate on [him] all the time,” and that it didn’t stop him from persisting in his career because he didn’t “hate” them back. This was a grown man with a child, so I wasn’t going to explain to him that the “hate” he gets on YouTube is vastly different from the hate of discriminatory groups of people with political and systemic power to hold back and even harm the people that they hate. 

I had an idea of what he was doing - I know that maintaining a large fan base on such public platforms as YouTube comes with being careful not to alienate your fans by taking “extreme” stances on certain issues. I get it. But I expected someone whose “thing” is being nice and accepting of people would be more sympathetic to the fears of his followers.

Imagine my lack of surprise when I saw that this same YouTuber was speaking out in support of PewDiePie, laughing at headlines that he claimed pushed an “agenda” and telling publications to “learn humor.” It really made me wonder why they were so convinced that “the media” as a whole had it out for him. What would established publications have to gain from trying to tear him down? 

“I do strongly believe that you can joke about anything,” PDP says in his video. And I think this is part of the problem; you absolutely can not joke about everything. Everything is not a joke. It has nothing to do with differing senses of humor; some things are not okay to make light of. Period. Even in, for example, reclaiming slurs used against marginalized groups, that is only for marginalized groups to do; it’s the same concept that says non-black people are not allowed to say the “N-word.” These are not his jokes to make.

To carelessly say and display a phrase like “Death to all Jews” and say it’s just a joke is irresponsible, especially when you have a following as large as he does that contains young, impressionable kids, who can easily go to school the next day saying the same thing, joke or not. Both kids and adults who joke about things like that (remember fried chicken and watermelon jokes?) are normalizing hateful stereotypes and ideologies. But for some reason, he doesn’t seem to believe that this is something that happens.  

As far as I know, no one believes that he’s an actual real-life nazi. But in trying to push boundaries with distasteful “jokes,” he messed up big time, and it’s time for him, his fans, and his friends to realize that. The Wall Street Journal has no reason to “attack” him; they were reporting on his actions and how that affected his business, because they are, in fact, a publication that focuses on business. And while 48 Jewish community centers in the U.S. and Canada are receiving bomb threats, making hate speech into a joke is crossing a line. There is a bigger discussion that needs to be had beyond people and the media “hating on” successful YouTube personalities. Sitting idly by and keeping silent until your fave is “targeted,” to quote PewDiePie, “helps no one.”

[hesham-abdelhamid]

What is a 'Youthquake' and why should you care about it?

There is an Arabian phrase that says “alalam yantami 'iilaa al-Shabab” - the world belongs to the youth. Now, there is a word for that phrase in the English language. Not just any boring old word. It’s a “word of the year.” Oxford Dictionaries chose “Youthquake” as the word of 2017. The word had a huge impact when it shook the ground and became the epicentre of the 2017 UK general election and later on striking again during the elections in New Zealand. 

YOUTHQUAKE is the Oxford Dictionaries #WordOfTheYear 2017. Find out more: https://t.co/BanfCMh2Gi pic.twitter.com/iIQ4ykwUwa

— Oxford Dictionaries (@OxfordWords) 14 December 2017

The word itself, ironically, isn’t new. It was first coined in 1965 by, Vogue’s editor-in-chief, Diana Vreeland. It was used to describe the youth-led fashion and music movement of the Swinging Sixties. - groovy, I know right?

I wasn’t even alive to catch the word the first time but I am young enough to be enthusiastic about it now. But unfortunately politics isn’t my forte - so I took it upon myself to expand my knowledge on the youthquake phenom and maybe you can benefit from it too.

According to Oxford’s own undoubted definition: “The noun, youthquake, is defined as ‘a significant cultural, political, or social change arising from the actions or influence of young people.’” 

Lexicographer Susie Dent told the Guardian that the 2017 shortlist showed that “there’s not a lot of sunshine in the standout words this year. Words like Antifa and kompromat speak to fractured times of mistrust and frustration. In youthquake, we finally found some hope in the power to change things and had a little bit of linguistic fun along the way. It feels like the right note on which to end a difficult and divisive year.” The sad and sombre shortlist is a true representation of how times have changed because in 2015 the word of the year wasn’t even a word it was an emoji, the famous ‘Face with Tears of Joy.’ So, 2017 was about serious business and politics played a huge part in that.

2017, was a weird year for young people following the history-changing results of the 2016 US election and Brexit. They were left with little to zero hope of ever getting their voices heard. I spoke to young people from all over the world and the main words that were used to describe 2016 were either ‘disappointing’ or ‘devastating’. So, it’s natural for young people to have been vocal and loud in 2017.

The term was popular in the UK after Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party drove normally apathetic young people to the polls in the general election. Critics moaned that no one actually used the term. Now, they have more ammunition. According to a new paper by the British Election Study (BES), the youthquake did not happen - so why waste our time with the word of the year malarkey?! 

Youthquake '17: Surge in younger voters under 40 to Labour - especially amongst 18-24s - delivered strong performance for Jeremy Corbyn. BES figures show it might have been partly driven by increased turnout amongst 25-35 year olds. Older voters - over 55s - moved to Tories. pic.twitter.com/Dl7LDAWaiE

— Alan Travis (@alantravis40) 29 January 2018

Turnout among people aged 18-24 probably did not increase, argue researchers. The finding goes against polls published after the election, which had suggested a 16-point jump in turnout among that age group. In fact, the supposed youthquake was barely a tremor, say the authors.

Now, if you are like me and you have no understanding of political statistics whatsoever - Just do what I did and seek help from your local MPs. I mean they should know, they do run the country after all.

I spoke to Alok Sharma, a Conservative MP for Reading West, and asked him: “do you think the youthquake did actually happen?”

Perhaps this topic has been the centre of attention as his response was: 

“Oh, that question again.” He said.

“In terms of the election, voting wise and statistically - no. However, I do think the so-called youthquake had an effect on the election - young people were very vocal about this election in particular. It was more of an emotional involvement with politics because people like you felt victimised. As a conservative I tried everything I can to eliminate that and tried to get opinions from the youth of Reading and speak to them about how we can better Reading” he said.

Mr Sharma wasn’t the only one who shared this sentiment. 

I also spoke to Lord Allen of Kensington, a Labour-supporting member of the House of Lords, he answered the same question and said: “Young people have always been at the centre of everything - they are the future. It’s a very simple concept and I feel like Corbyn understood that very well. Yes - The youthquake might not have happened within the election itself but it certainly happened around it. The fact that 17-year-olds found a potential prime minister as a ‘cool and hip’ figure is unheard of. The 2017 election was one of the first times I have seen young people excited about politics and engaged with it - in a very long time.” 

“I think the youthquake isn’t a myth at all.” He added.

Now, after speaking to these two gentlemen - I was even more confused. 

I had to do a bit more digging (and oh boy is my shovel broken!) - so was the youthquake really a huge part of the election or not?

The BES “no Youthquake” conclusion is based on analyses of data gathered in the BES 2017 national face-to-face survey of 2,194 respondents in 234 constituencies. This works by interviewing the survey respondents in their own homes, which nowadays is difficult to do since response rates have fallen dramatically over time: less than half (46 percent) of those who were originally selected to participate completed an interview.

As pollster Anthony Wells stated in his reflections on the BES team's claim that “researchers like the face-to-face survey because it enables them to check if respondents actually voted at the election. The difficulty in 2017, however, was that only 1,475 of the 2,194 respondents – or 67 percent – were checked.”  In other words, there is no validated report of the voting for nearly one-third of the overall sample. This missing data further compounds the problem of the low response rate.

Another problem concerns the number of young people in the study and how they are distributed across the country. Altogether, there are only 157 respondents aged 18 to 24 in the survey. Nearly half (45 percent) of the 234 constituencies sampled do not have any respondents in this age bracket. This means that for the 197 constituencies for which validated voting data are available, 61 percent do not have any under-25s in the survey. 

So, If you process politics in the same way I do - which is always to have fairness and balance within everything - then surely the survey isn’t even an accurate representation…?

Also, why are we so fixated on the BES survey. Other national surveys indicate young people gave much stronger support for Labour in 2017 than in 2015. The percentage of 18-24-year-olds voting Labour climbed from 43 to 62 percent in the Ipsos-MORI election surveys. 

The Guardian presented statistics after the 2017 election showing that the high turnout was driven by young and minority voters. The results clearly state that more than half of individuals aged between 18-24 voted - that's an increase of 16 percent than the turn out in 2015.

Alex Chalk, the Conservative MP for Cheltenham commented on the rise of young voters and said: “young people were vocal about the election and that shows that their involvement with politics is growing, which makes very happy.”

Whether the stats prove that the youthquake happened or not - it doesn’t really matter because just like that Arabian phrase states, the world really does belong to the youth. The future leaders are today’s learners and they are quickly learning how to get their voices heard. The youthquake did shake the ground in 2017 or as the youth say “the election was shooketh.” To dismiss the available evidence which clearly testifies against the BES survey is teetering on ignorance. There was a widely unexpected and politically consequential “Youthquake” in 2017. Psephologists would be wise to study its nature and causes and consider its possible consequences. 

Already in the early days of 2018, young people around the world are at the forefront of change, Emma Gonzales and the #neveragain movement for example. Gonzales has quickly become a household name, not just in the US but around the World. The powerful young woman’s speech, in support of prohibiting the sales of weapons in the US after 17 students from her school were murdered at the hands of a student with a gun, was inspiring beyond words. She has left us all mesmerised by her sheer passion and determination for change. 

Just like Emma, today’s youth will achieve more than just a “word of the year” they will re-write the course of history.

[vile-allure]

Dear Mother

I do not have too many memories from being a child. I am not sure if this is due to emotional suppression, a bad memory, or just not thinking hard enough. I do however have a few distinct memories of places and feelings. I remember feeling like the burden of your continued connection to my father when i was about 5ish years old and you lived in that apartment complex off of Miller Ave across from the lumber mill. I remember we did not get too see you too often, but that whenever we were over you were unhappy. You would complain about our father (the memories involve trevor and i). There is a picture of trevor and I in front of a Christmas Tree smiling like there was not a care in the world. But I can remember the emotions i felt. I was scared, scared that you felt so sad. I was also sad, because I didn’t like to see my mother so distraught. I was also confused because I was too little to really understand anything. Few positive memories continued between. There was a lot of time where i was left with Suki, who was paid to take care of me, and did so. But I remember being very young and having you tell me very vulgar things about Suki and my fathers relations. Things no parent should tell their kid. I remember going to Virginia for Christmas one year and having a lovely time. I also remember all the terrible christmases in Mill Valley that entailed fights and inevitable anger for someone feeling that no one was grateful. I would like to highlight the behaviors, as illustrated by direct quotes, that are unacceptable to me and have resulted in my augmented state of mental illness. 

I remember being bribed by both my parents. I was given money as a token of love. The only memories i really have with my mother were when we went shopping. Thus my mind made a correlation between mother-daughter time and shopping. It was not that I was using her for her money, but that it was the only activity we were familiar with. This goes on, and I am later ridiculed and yelled at. I was accused of being a selfish bitch and just using my mother for her money. Ex, on November 19 i recieved this in a text messaged, “Don't ever ask me to pay for hair that was way over $200″. This requires some context. Weeks before, my mother told me my roots were growing out and offered to pay for my highlights. I declined because i said I would rather have the money for more important things, she replied with hair being of high importance. This resulted in a few weeks later, me getting my hair color treated and cut. I was offered this service but then was yelled at for doing exactly that. The mixed messages there are not of high importance but it is a recent example of this pattern of giving money/objects then getting upset and using that as something to get mad over.  

After any sort of fight my mother and I had, we would normally just ignore each other for a few days and then things would resume their normal states. Sometimes after a really big fight, one of us would send an apology message such as this message sent on September 6 2017, “I love you. sorry im a bitch. I have been so frustrated and miserable not being able to walk. I have felt like nobody cared all going to burning man and leaving me helpless. I love you more than anything”. Even though this is an apology it is filled with excuses, but an apology is an apology and i will accept that. In all honesty, after certain behaviors this sort of apology is not enough. It is superficial and only scratches the surface of the issue. In order for real reconciliation, they must both acknowledge their wrongdoings, discuss the situation, and understand how it could be better solved in the future. This should result in a gradual change in behavior and an overall better understanding of the other person. However between my mother and I’s relationship, the “sorry” is short and sweet and we have just brushed off the dust and moved on, leaving much to fester and add up for later. 

The relationship between my mother and I is very complex. This is due to many factors. One of which being that I, the daughter, feel as if I am the only one willing to put up with my mother. In my opinion, she has pushed away everyone in her life, on accident or not. Her loneliness is often displayed in anger. With the recent experience of her foot breaking and the devastating disappearance/loss of her cats. I was told since a child that I have to love my parents because they are the only ones i have. I was told that no matter what, the children in the hood will always love their parents, this doesn’t matter how many beatings they had received. As well as many other children, no matter how they were treated, they were taught to respect and love their parents. This was drilled into me. I never thought it was an option for me to disconnect, even if it was for the good of my own mental health. In high school I had a very embarrassing experience of my mom showing up to cheer practice and pulling me aside and yelling at me right next to all the cheerleaders in my squad. She yelled at me, telling me it was my fault that dad was kicking her out of the house and that i had to do something about it. That it was my responsibility to fix it and if i didn't she would kill herself. I had so many witness but she to this day will not admit that she did that, and that it was wrong. On September 30 2017 my mother send me this message “hillary hates her mom and has told everyone everywhere she goes. You made me suffer and watched when I was alone”. This message, in my opinion, is directed towards the situation at which occurred after the cheerleading incident. My father was going to be out of town for a while and I was scared to be alone with my mother, thus my father helped me set up a plan. I ended up staying with Jessee Hinton’s family for the week. I did not tell them much of anything about my family. But rumors had spread due to her outbreak at practice, and the rumors had warped like in a game of telephone. I did not intentionally go out and tell the world that my mother was terrible. I confided in very few people the horrors of my home life. Yet my mother seemed to think I was an open book and expressed her behavior to everyone, this was probably out of embarrassment because she did not want people to know how she emotionally abused her child. 

Ever since I can remember, I have had thoughts of suicide. I have had thoughts of death, self-harm, thoughts of self-depricacy. I can remember back to being in around 6th grade and going to Park Schools new play structure and purposely swinging myself off the bars and falling on my back in hopes of hurting myself. I wanted to feel pain because I wanted to escape the pain in my head. Around this same time I witnessed my sister holding tissues to her wrist in the front seat in front of 7/11 on Miller Ave, crying hysterically and looking me in the eyes. I remember my mother repeatedly telling me she wanted to go home, go be with her mother, who had died long ago. She would tell me her intricate plans to kill herself. I remember she made an attempt when I was a freshman in high school in 2009. My sister had found her OD and she was put on a 51/50. I remember how ashamed, scared, disappointed, and betrayed I felt. This woman, my mother, always told me I was all she had and If i wasn’t around she would kill herself. This woman would say that she loved me so much and that i was her only child. But this same woman would also go on to say things such as the most recent incident on November 2 “ I only wish i could hang myself and have dad and trevor have the pleasure of seeing me”. As this is not a threat, there were many purposed threats that were sent in a way to manipulate my emotions, for whatever reason, I have no idea. I remember, it must’ve been when I was a junior in High School, she was very upset. As was i. I cannot recall the reason for this upset, but I was scared to be around her so i was downstairs in my room trying not to fuel the fire. She came bombarding into my room, gun in hand. She was belligerent, and not making any sense. She was very distraught and upset. She placed the gun next to her head and threatened to shoot, and then pointed that same gun at me saying I should go with her. Many other words were exchanged, but this resulted in me calling the police because I was scared for my own safety, as for hers. As the police arrived, the gun disappeared. The police searched the house and were not able to locate the gun, my mother somehow convinced them that I was on drugs, i begged them to let me pee in a cup to prove to them I was completely sober. I remember them flashing a flashlight in my eyes and saying my pupils were dilating strangely. This was due to my commencement of welbutrin which had weird effects on me, but they did not believe me. I was brought to the station in handcuffs, they wrote me up for falsely using the 911 system. They thought I was just on drugs and trying to get my mom in trouble or something of the sort. but no I was scared of this woman, I did not know what she would do. The way she lied to the cops was disgusting. She later told me it was just dads gun, and that it wasn't even functional. This experience still haunts me until this day. I have felt depressed for as long as I can remember, and having two female role models in my young life that demonstrated very unhealthy coping mechanisms really altered my perception of mental illness. I did not want to be like them. But i felt haunted. I was going mad. i don't know what it was. i would wake up crying, i would hide in closets to keep the thoughts from overpowering me. the thoughts that when I was younger, mistook for voices, but to be completely honest they might have been voices because boy were they strong and malignant. I ripped my arms apart in all directions with razors, trying to escape my internal pain. I did this because I saw my sister do it and thought it was ok. I overdosed on pills, I tried to hang a noose in my closet, I wanted to die so bad. And to this day, the thoughts still enter my head. I am not well. I have a long journey ahead of me before I reach my destination of happiness and gratitude for life. I however can not reach that if I am constantly being berated by the person who I thought was my best friend and mother. This message was sent on the 19th of November 2017 “You find a new way everyday to say bitch i hate you!”  This woman must not know what I go through. She must not understand how much I put up with. How much she has said to me, that has ripped me to my core. That has fueled my depression, that has been the tip of the iceberg for one of my suicidal episodes. She must not understand that I love her so much. And all i do is to please her. She must not understand that I try to be the angel she wants me to be, i try to be there for her. But i CANNOT read minds. I do not know what she wants. That has taunted me my whole life. Anger was thrown at me for not doing certain things, in which I had no idea I was supposed to do. How was i supposed to know I should stand up for mother in divorce court and say my older sister was lying about everything. I was a toddler! I did not even understand the situation! How can I be held responsible for something I honestly could not have done. How can this still be haunting me. How am i still living in the past, because every time she tells me I wasn’t there for her, i believe her. Because no matter how much i do, it is never enough. It never will be enough, and with what is going on in my head I can't live with it. 

On September 16 my mother sent me this, “i was thinking if we get left behind for NY why don't we like drive to Tahoe and just play around for thanksgiving?? Stay at a hotel etc.” I replied with excitement it sounded like a great idea. The plans developed and soon we had a hotel planned. My father agreed to pay for 2/3 of the hotel, but i assume he forgot. I sent him a few reminder texts but they were sandwiched between other questions so must have gotten lost in translation. Finally on the 19th of November, I called up my father and asked if he was still going to do that, he said he only agreed to pay 1/3, but then realized he might have misspoken and agreed to pay 2/3 even though he said he currently only had $1000 in his bank account. He wrote out a check for $500 and said he would leave it on his desk. Hours later i received angry messages from my mother consisting of this “ “i haven't been able to go to tahoe for 20 years while you and your buddies went nonstop and blew out BMW” and ““so you were going to spend 500 on yourself and not tell me. sounds about right”. This was because my father wrote the check out to me, to which I had no knowledge. This assumption that I was going to just cash the check and take the money and go to Tahoe was completely absurd. I was excited to go to Tahoe with my mother and our dogs. I was excited to help her have a good holiday for once, surrounded by good vibes and new memories. “you have to move dad’s care before you to to Tahoe bitch”.

I love my mother so much. But i also value and love myself. I need to accept the love that I deserve. I am 22 years old. I am becoming my own woman. I want to be strong an independent. I cannot have a mother emotionally abusing me. I cannot tolerate that. I do not deserve that. I have been there as much as I have emotionally been able to. I have never once been appreciated for it. When false accusations are thrown at me, I do not take them lightly. I would appreciate an apology from my mother. Not a half-hearted “sorry for being a shitty mother”. An apology acknowledging her wrongdoings and acknowledging that not all her children are “the devils children”. And to be honest none of them are. They just cannot tolerate the way she treats them. This is a two-way street, respect goes both ways, so I cannot say anything for anyone else. I am just saying that I have been disrespected for too long. My mother had pushed away everyone who has ever loved her. She has had the same patterns of behavior she has had with me, to different degrees with all those other people. And most of them have chosen to cut off contact. I have not done that, this is based on love, but also on pity. No one should have no one around to love them. But if said person makes it impossible to be loved, theres nothing anyone can do. If my mother wants to have me in her life. She needs to do some work on herself and realize she cannot treat people the way she has been. Trevor is not a retard and Drea is not the source of all the bad in your life. My mother needs to take some responsibility for the actions she has made in her life, and has to realize even though others might have had a role in it, she did as well, and she cannot blame it on anyone.

This goes to you mother. I love you with all my heart but you need to understand that you do not know it all. I am not a bitch who wants to take your money and run. I wanted to spend a good solid thanksgiving in your presence before we both get too old and distant. I want you to realize the white-picket fence life you have always dreamed of could've been yours and can still be yours if you still living in a pity act. I understand that you are suffering. I see it and I can feel it. I want to be there to help you get through it. I cannot do that if it compromises my mental health. I am not strong enough to take it. I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, my Mommy you'll be.

[alia15]

November 8

November 8, 2016.

Tuesday.

I woke up like a little kid on Christmas; giddy.  I had butterflies.  Call me a dork, a loser -- that’s fine.  I was beyond thrilled to head out and vote -- for the first time -- for a female nominee.  

I looked in my closet and tried to figure out what I wanted to wear for such a momentous occasion.  I had an in-person client meeting scheduled for that day, otherwise I would have worn my special Hillary shirt:

I opted for a blue (because: duh) dress and headed to the local elementary school in my town to cast my vote.  I had been with her, I was still with her, and now?  I was about to vote for her.

I successfully voted and practically floated to my car.  The butterflies came back again: 

“Holy shit; in a few hours we’re going to find out we have our first female President.”

Oye, the confidence.

Of course, I had to take to Twitter to express what I was feeling:

Oh, and I OBVIOUSLY had to change my Facebook profile pic:

And then?  A normal-ish work day.  I did what I had to do, we had a successful client meeting, and I looked at the clock continuously hoping it would quickly be 6pm so I could quite literally RUN out and get home to watch the results.  One of my direct reports and I sat in a conference room having our weekly check-in at the end of the day and spoke fondly of a man who we both agreed we were going to miss TERRIBLY.

You know who.

I left the office promptly at 6:00, took the train home, and picked up a Greek salad before heading to my apartment.  It was close to 8:00 at this point (my commute sucks) and I had an ominous text from my mom:

“It’s not looking good.”

What?  I laughed.  C’mon, Sue.  This ain’t my first rodeo.  I’ve sat through enough Election Days (nights?) to know that you can’t get nervous this early on when polls would be open for several more HOURS.  Plus, all the states going to ‘He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named?”  All expected.  We were fine.

(That goddamn confidence again)

I settled in at home, threw on CNN and watched.  Sure, Hillary was down, but I honestly wasn’t nervous.  The polls were about to close in a ton of states and I anxiously awaited all the blue states to do their thing.   And they did.

The momentum came instantly, and Hillary quickly won in rapid succession: New York (duh), New Jersey, Delaware,  Massachusetts, Maine, D.C., Maryland.

WE GOT THIS.  I texted my mom back to say, “see!  we’re fine!”

...until.

We weren’t fine.

We were very much NOT fine.

The results for the various crucial swing states started coming in, and I thought my eyes were deceiving me:  Hillary didn’t win them.   I was confused, angry.  I yelled at my TV.

“Are you f*cking kidding me, Florida?!  OHMYGOD YOU ARE THE WORSTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!”

And it just got worse from there.  I felt sick.  For the first time in a long time, I started to entertain the thought: wait, could she really not win this thing?  Could DONALD EFFING TRUMP BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?  No.  No no no no.

Except: yes yes yes.  It became obvious which way this thing was going.  It was getting late now; around 11pm.  The texts I was getting from friends and family were gut-wrenching.  I felt nauseous.  

I CRIED.  I can’t even believe I did, and I didn’t expect to, but I did.

And then: it happened.

He won.

That misogynistic, unintelligent, incoherent, belligerent, unqualified, disrespectful CLOWN won.  

I was beyond devastated.  I didn’t know what to do.  I never felt so disappointed, angry and confused in my life.  How on EARTH did this happen?  I realized it was a work night, I was up at 3am in a deep, dark depression, and I wanted to crawl into a hole forever.  I watched him give his acceptance speech.  I shut the TV off.  I emailed my boss and said:

Still awake and in election hell (I’m actually a total basketcase at the moment) so going to work from home tomorrow because I can’t sleep and tomorrow is going to be BRUTAL.  Wanted to give you a heads up; will email the team tomorrow.

I slept.  I had weird, bad dreams.  I woke up and lived in ignorant bliss for 12 seconds, thinking that the events of the night before were all an awful, scary dream.  Until I saw this text from my mom:

I stayed home that day to “work” (I barely did a thing) and it was dark, gloomy and rainy, which was fitting.  I was so, so sad.  Stunned.  I couldn’t talk to anyone and if I tried, I got weirdly emotional.  I hated it.  I let myself have the day and react however I felt I needed to react.  I found solace in Hillary’s concession speech.  I wrote, which is therapeutic for me.  I ate my feelings, which always helps.  And then I vowed that the following day, I’d resume back to reality and normalcy; well, whatever “normal” meant.  

I also reveled in the joy of knowing Barack Obama was my President for a few more months. 

Why am I writing about this?  Well, it’s a year later (HOW ON EARTH DID THAT GO BY SO QUICKLY) and I haven’t talked about my experience that day on the blog.  I wanted to.  I know so many of you had similar days and experiences, and a lot of people (even ones I’d never met) got me through those really uncertain, weird and shitty times. 

It’s now November 8, 2017 and while I’m not in a literal depression anymore, I don’t feel much different about the state of affairs in this country.  The person who won didn’t surprise me or prove me wrong in any way -- in fact, he may even be worse than I thought he’d be.

But like anything else in life, we survive.  We do what we need to do.  We experience the emotions we need to, and then we move on.  We try to make things better, however we can.  We fight.  We try to find ways to see a better outcome next time.  And while I’m hesitant to have that rascally ol’ confidence again, I believe that change will come.  

Someday.

Thanks for letting me share my story of 11/8/16 -- now?  I want to hear yours.  Tell me about your experience in the comments!