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doomedhowell · 4 years

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Lost (And Found)

Summary: PJ suddenly goes missing, and while Phil, Chris and Louise are out looking for him, they happen upon a boy who seems to be troubled. Phil just wants to help, and vows to protect the boy from the bad people who hurt him.

Genre: AU (Stranger Things crossover)

Word Count: 5,086

Trigger Warnings: swearing (they’re kids so), bullying, threats of violence, minor injuries

Author: @dxnhowell Beta: @phinalphantasy7 (lilactreesinwinter on ao3) Artist: @softphiily (link to the artwork!)

This is my fic for @phandomreversebang!

Also, a quick little thank you to my artist and beta for being so patient while I wrote the fic and didn’t finish it until the last second. I got very busy with work irl but I was determined to finish this fic so I’d also like to apologize in advanced if the ending seems a little rushed, but I hope people will still enjoy the fic :)

link to ao3

They’ve been searching for an hour, at least. Although Phil hasn’t really been keeping track of time, because the only thing that’s been on his mind is finding his friend PJ. Nobody’s seen him all day, which is totally unlike PJ to begin with. He would have called his mom first thing so she wouldn’t panic. Well, now she’s panicking because PJ isn’t home, and nobody is doing anything to find him.

So, Phil and his friends Chris and Louise took it upon themselves to go look for PJ, despite their parents strictly forbidding them to look for PJ alone.

But, PJ is missing, and they weren’t going to just sit back and do nothing. PJ is their best friend, after all.

“PJ?” Phil shouts as loud as he can, walking ahead of Chris and Louise. It’s raining now, so it’s hard for anyone to hear them. “Peej! Mate, come on! Stop playing games, this isn’t funny anymore!”

Chris frowns as he listens to Phil. “Maybe we should head back now.”

“Come on, Chris. Stop being such a baby all the time,” Louise groans, rolling her eyes.

“I’m not being a baby. I’m just trying to be realistic here.”

“You being realistic?” Louise laughs sarcastically, earning a glare from Chris. “That’s so funny, Chris. Really funny. Wow. I didn’t know you were suddenly a comedian.”

“Guys!” Phil shouts with frustration as he turns around and glares at his two friends. “Seriously, now isn’t the time for you two to be bickering. Our friend is missing, and needs our help.”

“We’ve been looking for over an hour, Phil!” Chris complains. “I wanna find PJ too, trust me. Me more than anyone out here-” He ignores Louise’s hard glare, and sighs. “But, we’re in the middle of the woods, and it’s raining. We should go back before things start getting dangerous.”

“Seriously, Chris. If you’re just going to be a sissy, just go home. Phil and I will look for PJ,” Louise huffs, walking straight over to Phil and crossing her arms against her chest as she stares at Chris.

“And-” Phil groans as Chris continues ranting. “Not to mention, we’re at the place where PJ was last seen, and we have nothing to defend ourselves. Not exactly the smartest plan here.”

“Honestly, shut up Chris,” Phil snaps with a glare.

“I’m just sayin’. Maybe we should be a little more smart about this-”

“Please, when’s the last time any of us have done anything remotely smart?” Louise scoffs. “We’ve all got a reputation for getting in trouble, you most of all of us-” She points at Chris accusingly.

Phil rolls his eyes as they continue their bickering, and then he immediately pauses. He thinks he hears some rustling coming from the woods. He looks over, hoping that it’s PJ about to walk out of the trees.

“Guys,” he says quietly. But, of course, Louise and Chris completely ignore him and continue bickering. “Guys, shut up!”

The two finally go silent, and look over at Phil.

Louise opens her mouth to no doubt yell at Phil for being rude, but he points a finger towards where he heard the rustling in the woods. “You guys hear that too, right?” he asks quietly.

“Is that-?” Chris begins to whisper, moving closer to the others.

“PJ?” Phil shouts, his heart beating faster. “Peej, is that you? It’s us! Phil, Louise and Chris-”

“I’m not sure shouting our names in the middle of the woods is a good idea,” Chris mumbles.

“You’re about to get smacked if you don’t shut up,” Louise warns.

“Shut up,” Phil glares at both of them. “Neither of you are being very helpful at all.”

His head snaps towards the sound of more rustling and his eyes widen when a boy, who definitely isn’t PJ, appears from the trees. Phil has never seen this boy in his life. He’s small, and covered in dirt, and looks scared. Phil already has so many questions whirling around in his mind right now.

“Who the hell are you?” Chris is the first to ask.

“Chris!” Louise hisses before she harshly whacks Chris on the chest.

“Ow!” Chris glares at Louise as he rubs his chest. “That hurt.”

“Honestly,” Phil grumbles as he shakes his head, before looking at the new boy again. “I’m so- sorry, uh... we were looking for our friend…Are you… lost? Are you hurt? Do you need any help?”

“One question at a time, Phil. He’s probably scared,” Louise says in a soft voice. She looks at the boy. “We’re sorry. You must be overwhelmed. We can help you, if you need it. I promise we won’t hurt you.”

Phil glances at Louise with concern, and she’s looking just as concerned. Of course Phil wants to help this boy. He seems lost, and scared, and who knows what he’s been through.

“Should we call the cops?” Chris whispers, biting his lip slightly as he looks up at Louise.

Louise scoffs. “What are the police going to do? Have you not been paying attention to how they’ve been treating PJ? This boy already looks terrified. I’d hate for him to go through anymore trauma.”

“Guys, it’s raining right now, and it’s getting really dark out too,” Phil frowns. “I mean, we can take him to my house and he can just stay in my basement until we figure out what he needs.”

“You’re going to take a stranger to your house?” Chris asks, his eyes widening. “Are you crazy?”

“Your parents are not going to allow that to happen, Phil!” Louise scolds. “That is so dangerous.”

“We’re not going to tell my parents,” Phil hisses. “We’ve got to help him. We can’t just leave him behind.”

Chris takes charge. “Guys, enough bickering. Let’s just get him to Phil’s house, then we can decide what we’re going to do from there. We can’t just stand here in the rain all night! We’re going to catch a cold.”

“You know it’s scary when Chris starts being the sensible one,” Louise jokes.

Phil rolls his eyes and looks over at the other boy. “Come on then.” He carefully holds his hand out, hoping the boy will take it. It will show a sign of trust, and that’s all Phil wants from the boy.

The boy hesitates, before finally taking a step closer to Phil and shyly taking hold of his hand.

Phil smiles brightly at the response from the boy, and starts leading the way back to his house.

By the time they finally arrive, luckily without being caught by his parents, it’s still raining quite heavily, but the only thing Phil cares about is getting this boy somewhere safe.

“This is our basement. You should be safe down here for a while until we can figure something else out. Um, is there a number we can call for your parents? Or, someone else we can contact for you?” He turns to look at the scared boy, who is still nameless and hasn’t spoken a word to any of them.

“Did you run away? Why were you in the middle of the woods?” Chris asks.

“Are you in some kind of trouble?” Louise presses, instantly looking the boy up and down for any signs that he might be hurt, and then her eyes widen. “Oh, goodness. Is that blood on you?”

“Guys, stop it! Stop asking him so many questions at once! You’re freaking him out!” Phil warns.

“Yeah? Well, he’s freaking me out!” Chris retorts, glaring at Phil as he crosses his arms against his chest. “Come on, why isn’t he saying anything? He’s probably deaf.”

“Chris! That’s rude to say to someone,” Louise warns.

“He’s not deaf, Chris. He’s just scared, you idiot. You’re scaring him,” Phil scoffs. He grabs a random pair of pants that were sitting on the couch, and carefully shows them to Dan. “Here, these pants are clean. You should probably change after being in that rain for so long.”

The boy stares at Phil, and hesitates, before he bends down and slowly starts taking his pants off.

“No!” Phil yelps as soon as he realizes what the boy is doing.

“Oh, God!” Louise quickly covers her eyes before she can see anything she doesn’t want to see

“No, no, no! Don’t do that! Please, for the love of God!” Phil shouts. He sighs in relief when the boy stops. “Here,” Phil hands the pants to the boy, and points towards the bathroom. “See that door over there? That’s the bathroom. You can go in there and change. You know… privacy?”

The boy’s eyes widen when he sees the door, and he quickly shakes his head. “No,” he says simply.

“Oh, so the boy can speak?” Chris frowns.

“I told you. You were probably just scaring him with all those questions you were asking him,” Phil snaps. He looks back over at the boy again. “Okay, uh- you don’t want the door closed?”

The boy nods.

“Okay. Here-” Phil gently leads the boy to the bathroom. “Why don’t we close the door halfway? That way, we’ll still be outside, and you can still see us if you need our help, okay? It’s just… we kind of don’t want to see you naked. No offense. That’s just really weird.”

Phil sighs in relief when the boy steps into the bathroom, and he closes the door halfway behind him just like he promised, and makes his way back over to Chris and Louise. His heart is beating kind of fast now. He has absolutely no idea what he’s doing. All he knows is that he wants to help this boy.

“This is mental,” Chris hisses. “We should have gone to the police like I suggested.”

“No,” Phil warns, glaring at Chris. “At least we know he can talk.”

“He’s said one word to us, Phil, this entire time we’ve been with him. I think there’s something seriously wrong with him. He must have gone through some kind of trauma. I mean, he didn’t even want to go into the bathroom with the door closed all the way,” Louise points out.

“Guys, he can probably still hear you, you know?” Phil frowns at Louise.

“No, listen to us, Phil. Louise is right. There definitely is something wrong with this kid. Just think about it. You know, I bet he escaped from Pennhurst.”

“Where?” Phil asks, blinks a few times with confusion.

“It’s like a nuthouse in Kerley County. You know? Where all the crazy people go.”

“Uh huh. I bet you got a lot of family there too, don’t ya?” Phil asks, a hint of amusement in his voice.

“Ha ha. That’s very funny, Philip. Come on, guys. Work with me here. I mean, it would explain why all of his hair is gone and why he’s totally crazy. He’s mental.”

“Chris, stop that. Now you’re just being mean,” Louise glares at him before sighing and turning to Phil. “We should just tell someone. A parent. Your mother would know what to do.”

“You want to tell my mother?” Phil’s eyes widen slightly. “That’s crazy.”

“Crazy? How is that crazy? We’re just kids, Phil! We have to tell your mum,” Chris agrees.

“And tell her what exactly?” Phil crosses his arms against his chest. “Tell her that we snuck out because we wanted to go and find PJ when we were all told specifically not to go out? Hello? If we told my mum, our houses would officially become our prisons. We’d never be able to leave our houses again.”

“Dammit,” Chris curses, running a hand through his hair.

“You have a point,” Louise mumbles. “Our parents would be furious if they found out we snuck out.”

“Alright. Here’s the plan. He sleeps here tonight-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re seriously going to let a stranger sleep in your basement?”

“Just listen to me!” Phil hisses. “I have a plan. Okay? It’s all we’ve got, so just listen. So, in the morning, I’ll sneak him upstairs and then he’ll go around and ring the doorbell. Mum will feel bad and let him inside, and she’ll know what to do. She’ll know how to help. Then we can find PJ tomorrow. We will find him.”

“What if she sends him back to Pennhurst, or wherever it is he came from?” Louise asks, frowning.

“She won’t,” although Phil isn’t sure if he’s trying to convince Louise or himself. He sees the boy shyly stepping out of the bathroom and smiles. “Oh, hey. The pants fit. Good. Um, hey. So-” He looks around, and then quickly grabs the sleeping bag that he spots on the floor and then lays it out for the boy. “So, you’re gonna sleep down here, tonight. I hope that’s okay with you.”

“This is mental,” Chris mumbles for the millionth time that night.

“Shut up, Chris. You’re the mental one,” Phil warns, shooting a look at Chris before straightening up and looking at the boy. “Oh, we never asked for your name. Uh, do you have something that we can call you?” Phil frowns when the boy doesn’t say anything, only stares at Phil with a blank expression on his face.

Then Phil spots the tattoo on the boy's arm. “Whoa!”

“What? Phil, what is it?” Louise takes a step forward.

“That’s so cool. Is that real?” Phil asks, points at the tattoo he’s spotted. He quickly pulls his hand back when the boy snatches his arm away. “S- Sorry. It’s just… I’ve never seen a kid with a tattoo before. So, what does it mean? ‘Eleven’? Is that like a code or something?” Still, the boy says nothing.

“Well, if he’s not going to tell us his name, maybe we can call him Eleven?” Louise suggests.

“Eleven?” Phil looks over at Louise, unsure. He doesn’t want to upset the boy by calling him something that he doesn’t want to be called. Phil looks back at the boy. “Well, okay. Eleven. Is it okay if we call you Eleven until you’re comfortable telling us your real name?”

The boy, now known as Eleven, slowly nods.

“Okay, cool. My name is Phil. It’s short for Philip. With one L, ‘cos it’s cooler that way. Well, anyways… um, I’ll guess I’ll see you in the morning then. I’ll try to sneak down some breakfast, okay?” Phil says. “Goodnight, Eleven.” He turns to Chris and Louise, to go upstairs with them.

“Goodnight, Phil,”

Phil can’t help the smile that forms on his face when he hears the two words spoken by Eleven.

Chris nudges Phil. “We’ve got to get going.”

Phil nods, and he leads the way up the stairs. He hates to leave Eleven by himself so soon like this, but they’ve got no other choice at the moment. It’s too risky bringing him anywhere else in the house where he could get caught. Phil would just rather wait until the morning, and hope that his plan works.

The first thing that Phil does the next morning is go straight down to the basement to check on Eleven. After making himself look presentable, of course. Phil hopes that the plan he came up with works, because he wants to keep Eleven safe, and he wants his mum to help him to do that. He trusts her.

“Oh, hey. You found the walkies,” Phil says as he comes down the stairs, startling Eleven. “They’re cool, right? We use them to talk to each other. I use it to talk to Chris the most. He lives pretty close to me.”

Eleven blinks at him. Phil wonders if Eleven will ever trust him enough to speak.

“So, uh- I grabbed a waffle for you. It was the closest thing I could get.” Phil bends down and hands the Eggo to Eleven. “Hopefully you can have a real meal later. My mum’s a great cook.”

Eleven hesitates as he takes the Eggo from Phil. He slowly takes a bite out of it.

Phil grins, pleased to see that Eleven’s comfortable enough to actually eat something around him.

When Eleven finishes his Eggo, Phil’s ready to get his plan started.

“Okay, so here’s what we gotta do. I need you to go outside, and then ring the doorbell.” Phil chuckles when he sees the confused look on Eleven’s face. “It’s the little button by the door. You’ll see it. Okay, and then you have to pretend like we’ve never met each other, otherwise my mum will be very suspicious, and that will ruin the whole plan. Do you think you can do that?”

“No,” is the simple reply that comes from Eleven.

“No?” Phil stares at Eleven. “No, as in you don’t think you can do it?”

“No,” Eleven repeats, staring right back at Phil. “Bad people.”

“Bad people?” Phil repeats, and now he’s confused, and then the realization hits him. “You are in trouble, aren’t you? You ran away?” He takes a deep breath and then he runs a hand through his hair. “Well, shit... this just made things a whole lot more complicated.”

“Philip! Where are you? We’re going to be late for school!”

Phil jumps when he hears his mum shouting for him from upstairs. “I’m coming, mum!” He panics, and then he looks over at Eleven. “I have to go to school now, okay? I’m sorry I have to leave you again, but I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Just… stay here, okay? Don’t go outside. It’s not safe. Uh, see you later.” He quickly turns and he runs up the stairs. He sees his mum in the kitchen.

“What were you doing down in the basement?” Kathryn asks, raising her eyebrows at her son.

“I,” Phil hesitates as he tries to come up with an excuse. “Um, well... I was just looking for something, but it’s not important. Come on, we don’t want to be late for school, do we?”

“You’re worried about being late for school?” Kathryn reaches over and gently presses her hand against Phil’s forehead. “Who are you, and what have you done with my son?”

“Mum,” Phil whines as he swats her hand away. “Come on, let’s get going!” He grabs his backpack and runs out of the house before she can say anything else to him.

Really, all Phil cares about is keeping Eleven safe. And also finding PJ, who’s still missing.

Phil can hardly focus during the entire school day, worried about how Eleven is doing back at his house and if he’s keeping himself safe and hidden. Phil feels terrible leaving him alone, but he can’t skip school. Honestly, his mother would absolutely throw a fit if he ever skipped school.

“I can’t believe you guys honestly thought I would just take off without you guys,” Phil mumbles as he leads the way into his house, Chris and Louise following behind him. School is finally finished, and they’ve come straight back to Phil’s house to check on Eleven.

“Well, I mean, can you blame us, Phil? I mean, you’re like totally obsessed with Eleven,” Chris replies, raising his eyebrows at Phil. “It’s a little scary how obsessed you are.”

“Now that’s ridiculous. I am not obsessed with Eleven.”

“I can’t believe I’m actually agreeing with Chris for once, Phil, but you kind of are,” Louise speaks up.

“How so?” Phil crosses his arms against his chest.

“Okay, now you’re being ridiculous. You’ve only known him for less than a day and he’s all you talk about. You literally wouldn’t shut up about him during school today. I got so sick of hearing about how cool Eleven is that I almost voluntarily was about to go and sit with that weird Valdes girl,” Chris tells him.

“Chris, don’t be mean. Cat is a lovely girl,” Louise warns.

Phil rolls his eyes. “Eleven is cool. He’s got a shaved head and he has a tattoo!”

“Okay, enough. Let’s go check on him. He’s been alone all day, plus I’m sure he’s starving,” Louise turns and opens the basement door. She’s the first one to walk downstairs.

Phil hesitates before following. He sighs in relief when they find Eleven, playing with the walkie talkie toys once again. He’s still safe. Phil has only known him for less than a day, but he wants to protect this boy with everything that he can. Even though he doesn’t really know that much about him, Phil can tell that he’s been through a lot, and for such a young age too.

I’m not obsessed with him. I’m not. I’m just being a good friend. That’s all, Phil thinks to himself.

“Eleven?” he asks carefully, not wanting to spook the boy.

Eleven’s head immediately snaps up, his eyes wide as he looks up at Phil.

“It’s okay. It’s just us. You remember Chris and Louise, right? They were here last night,” Phil assures him, not wanting to scare the boy. He’s already terrified, and Phil wants to make him feel comfortable and safe.

Eleven glances over at Chris and Louise, though he still doesn’t say anything.

Louise sighs softly, and turns to look at Phil. “We seriously need to tell someone about him. You can’t just keep him locked up down here like an animal. We have to tell your parents,”

Chris nods. “I agree. If not your parents, then the police. Someone!”

“Um, I- I don’t think that’s a good idea guys,” Phil says, remembering about what Eleven said about the “bad people” that morning. Eleven is clearly hiding from someone who hurt him and scared before, and Phil won’t let those bad people hurt Eleven again.

“And why not?” Louise asks, placing a hand on her hip.

“Because,” Phil stresses with a sigh. “Honestly, what are the police going to do? The police are useless. Look at what they’ve been doing with PJ! They’ve done absolutely nothing to help him. Nothing!”

“But we can’t keep hiding Eleven in your basement, Phil,” Chris says. “And besides, we should be focusing on finding PJ.” He reaches over and then he grabs a picture of the four of them, PJ included. Chris turns, so that Phil and Louise can see the picture as well. Louise's face instantly softens when she sees the picture. “Guys, this is who we should be focusing on. Our missing friend.”

Eleven looks at the picture, and blinks a few times. He slowly stands from his spot on the ground, and walks closer to Chris, and then he points at PJ, but still doesn’t say anything.

“Do you know who that is?” Phil asks, his eyes widening.

“You know who PJ is? Do you know where he is? Because if you do, and you haven’t said anything-” Chris glares at Eleven. “Start talking!”

“Chris!” Phil warns, gently pulling Eleven back from Chris.

“No! He knows who PJ is, he’s been hiding something important from us!” Chris is shouting at this point. “That’s it. I’m telling someone, and none of you can stop me!” He starts running up the stairs. He opens the door at the door of the stairs, but gasps with shock when the door immediately slams shut in his face. “What the-?” He goes to open the door again, but it does the exact same thing. Chris turns around, and sees Eleven at the bottom of the stairs.

“Holy shit,” Phil whispers, staring at Eleven in shock. “Did you just-?”

“Okay, now he’s a freak!”

“Chris, stop being mean!” Phil shouts at Chris. “Look, we all want to find PJ. Maybe Eleven can help us find him. This could be a good thing. If you would just stop for a second...”

Louise rolls her eyes as Chris and Phil continue arguing with each other. Then she hears sounds coming from outside. She walks over to the window and glances up. Her eyes widen at multiple white vans outside of Phil’s house. “Uh oh. Guys?” Louise looks over at the others with a worried look on her face. “Guys! Come here. I think we might have a problem.” She nods towards the window.

Phil hesitates before walking over. “Oh shit,” he says when he sees the vans.

“Please tell me your mum called the cable guys or something.” Louise looks at Phil.

“I- I don’t think so. We gotta go! We gotta go get somewhere safe and then we’ll hatch a plan. Come on!” He turns around, and runs up the stairs, shoving Chris towards the front door before he can even protest. Luckily Eleven follows. The four run outside the house and head straight for their bikes.

Eleven looks back as Phil is getting his bike ready. His eyes widen the second he recognizes the people. The bad people. Eleven quickly taps Phil on the shoulder, wanting him to hurry up.

Phil glances over at Eleven, “What?” and then looks to where he’s staring. He gasps softly when he sees the group of people dressed in suits is staring at them. He sees an old man in the center of the group, staring directly at Eleven. Those have to be the bad people Eleven mentioned before.

“Come on! Let’s go!” He gets on the bike, and allows Eleven to get behind him. They take off, immediately followed by the bad people. Phil’s panicking, but he can’t worry about that right now, because all he can worry about is getting Eleven away from those bad people.

The group barely makes it five minutes down the road before they encounter some bullies from school.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Phil says, breathing heavily as he watches the two bullies walk closer, knives in their hands. Phil looks over at Chris and Louise. “Wh- What do we do?”

“I don’t know? What we always do, run!” Chris jumps off his bike and runs for his life.

“I’m not a very good runner!” Louise cries, before following Chris.

“Come on, we’ve got to go!” Phil quickly grabs Eleven’s hand without even thinking about it, and follows Chris and Louise. Honestly, of all the days for the bullies to chase them.

“Yeah, you better run, freaks!”

“They won’t get very far.” The bullies laugh loudly as they run after the group.

Up ahead, Louise trips over her feet and falls face first to the ground.

“Louise!” Phil cries, letting go of Eleven’s hand and running over to her.

“No, forget about me. Just go! Take Eleven and get somewhere safe. I’ll be fine!” Louise hisses.

“No, I’m not leaving you here!” Phil shouts. He glances up, and his eyes widen when he sees how close the two bullies are getting. “Come on. You gotta get up.”

“Phil, I can’t. I twisted my ankle. Go. What’s the worst they’re gonna do to me? Huh?”

“Phil,” Chris runs over to them. “I’ll stay with Louise. You go and take Eleven.”

Phil looks back and forth at them and hesitates, before grabbing Eleven’s hand and running.

“Gotcha!”

Phil stops dead in his tracks, causing Eleven to nearly fall to the ground. Phil turns and sees that one of the bullies has a tight hold of Chris, holding him down with the knife against his throat. The other keeps Louise against the ground so she can’t get up to help Chris.

“Let him go!” Phil demands. “We haven’t done anything to you!”

“You think we’re gonna listen to you?” the bully who has Chris snorts. “You all deserve this.”

“We haven’t done anything to you. Let him go. Now. Or I’ll-”

“You’ll what,” the bully sneers, pressing the knife closer against Chris’s skin. “I suggest you walk towards the edge of the cliff over there and jump, or you can say goodbye to your little friend here.”

Phil’s eyes widen at the threat. He looks over at Chris, who looks just as scared as he feels. “Phil, don’t,” Chris warns. “Don’t you dare even think about it. I’m not worth it.”

“You’re my friend, Chris. I’m- I’m not going to let them hurt you,” Phil says. He hesitates, before he slowly turns around, and then slowly starts walking towards the edge where there’s a steep dropoff to the lake.

“Phil!” Louise cries. “Phil, don’t do it!”

Phil takes a deep breath once he gets closer to the edge. He looks down below and whimpers when he sees how long of a jump it is. There’s absolutely no way he’s going to survive this. But he’ll do anything for his friends. Chris and Louise are his best friends, and he knows they’d do the same thing for him.

Phil jumps, and lets out a scream as he starts falling.

And then, he stops halfway. He opens his eyes, and gasps to realize he’s floating. And then he’s slowly being lifted back up, and set back on the ground again.

“I’m not dead,” Phil breathes as he looks around, panicked. “Holy shit. I’m not dead!” He looks up at Eleven, and sees him wiping off some blood under his nose. “I think I’m in love.”

“Phil!” The bullies are so shocked by what just happened that they have let Chris go. He helps Louise up, and they both run over to Phil, despite Louise’s foot injury.

Eleven turns, and glares at the two bullies. He jerks his head, and one of the boys cries out in pain, grabbing a hold of his arm. Eleven looks over at the other boy, whose eyes widen in shock.

“Let’s go!” The boy cries, immediately turning around to run. “Freak!”

Eleven gasps and falls to the ground, breathing heavily.

“Eleven!” Phil shouts as he rushes to him, after reassuring Louise he’s totally fine and not injured at all. “Oh my God. That was totally awesome.” This boy has mind powers. Phil has never met anyone like Eleven before, but he thinks Eleven is one of the coolest kids that he’s ever met.

“Yeah, you better run!” Chris shouts after the bullies. “He’s a freak, and he’s our friend!”

Eleven looks up at Phil, who’s smiling and shaking his head fondly at Chris. “Friend?”

Phil grins at Eleven. “Yeah. Yes, of course you are our friend. Here-” Phil reaches down into his pocket and pulls out a tissue that luckily his mum forces him to carry around with him, handing it over to Eleven so he can wipe the rest of the blood off his nose. “Thank you for that, by the way. For um, saving my life. Now it’s my turn to save yours.”

#phandom reverse bang #phanfiction #phanfic #phan #au #crossover #stranger things

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boredout305 · 4 years

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Kat Talley Jones (Urinals/100 Flowers)

John Talley-Jones and Kat Talley-Jones, Santa Barbara, California, circa late 1978/1979.

Kat Talley-Jones was an early photographer of The Urinals and 100 Flowers. She is the lyricist of “Ack Ack Ack Ack” and has compiled an impressive 1978 to 1983 gigography of The Urinals and 100 Flowers. Talley-Jones is the wife of the bands’ bassist and vocalist John Talley-Jones.

Professionally, Talley-Jones is an independent exhibit developer and writer. She’s worked on teams that created the Dinosaur Hall and Nature Lab at the Natural History Museum of Los Angeles County and visitor center exhibits at Mammoth Cave National Park, Devils Tower National Monument, Badlands, National Park, Stones River National Battlefield, and Santa Monica Mountains National Recreation Area among many others.

Talley-Jones is still involved with The Urinals and 100 Flowers, taking photos and contributing in countless other ways, something she’s done since the late 1970s.

Interview by Ryan Leach

This interview originally ran on Razorcake’s website.

Ryan: Where did you meet John (Talley-Jones)?

Kat: Like John, I come from a military background. I was born in Italy. I later lived in Japan, the (Washington) D.C. area and Iran. I met John at the University of Texas at Austin. We gravitated towards the same circle. There were Texans and then there were army brats. We had a different frame of reference than other people did.

John was walking down the hall of the dorm I lived in. I had pulled a picture out of the NME of Kevin Ayers and put it on my door. Kevin Ayers was wearing some blue silk jacket. It was a great photo. I loved Kevin Ayers, The Soft Machine and the Ayers, Cale, Nico, Eno album.

Ryan: That’s a great live record.

Kat: Yeah. My roommate was a lesbian, so we had a nude pinup of a woman on the door too which was very scandalous—we hoped.

Ryan: At that time in Texas it was. Even in Austin.

Kat: Right. John and a friend of his were walking down the hall. They stopped, saw the photos on the door, and wondered, “Who lives here?” I opened the door and there was John, wearing blue eye shadow, black nail polish and a toothbrush around his neck (laughs). We got to know each other after that, running in the same circles. I went out with a guy and John went out with his sister—you know how it is being college aged. Everyone is switching partners.

John left UT. His parents thought—and maybe he did too—that film school would be better at UCLA than at UT. That probably wasn’t the case, but John left for California. My parents had moved from Iran to Redondo Beach. So we got back together again. It’s complicated.

Ryan: John had mentioned that he had moved to San Francisco before attending UCLA.

Kat: He was in San Rafael in Marin County. He lived with his aunt and uncle and worked at a bookstore in San Rafael. That was before he went to UCLA.

My parents went back to Iran. I moved in with my brother in Santa Barbara. I was living in Santa Barbara, John went to UCLA, and then we started going out. I did not see the first Urinals iteration when they played the talent show at UCLA. However, I did see the first three-piece show at UCLA with Kevin (Barrett), Kjehl (Johansen) and John. That was on the fourth floor of Dykstra Hall.

Ryan: Had your parents not moved back to California, would you have likely stayed in Austin?

Kat: Probably not. At that time, there wasn’t really a scene yet. It was sleepy. It was a place where you could get by getting stoned, paying $100 a month for an apartment. I was ambitious, but I didn’t happen to paint or anything. I didn’t love Austin. Just as I was leaving, friends of mine were forming The Huns. We would go to Raul’s and bands like the Skunks were playing. The Ramones and Patti Smith came through there. So there was stuff, but LA felt much more exciting.

Ryan: You mentioned The Huns. So you knew Phil Tolstead and the rest of the band?

Kat: Yes. Phil was an Air Force brat. We had a mutual friend named Victoria (Jones) who Phil went to see the Sex Pistols with in San Antonio. She had lived in London. We were people with a broader background. I can’t say that above everyone in The Huns. I’m still friends with Dan Puckett who played keyboards in the band. I knew their drummer, Tom Huckabee. My boyfriend at the time had a crush on him which was awkward (laughs). I was getting away from that situation too. My parents moving back played a part. But my brother was at UCSB and needed a roommate. I thought, “Well, I’ve got nothing going on in Austin, so I’ll live with him.”

Ryan: You took a lot of early Urinals photos—obviously, for most of their record sleeves. Was photography something you had been pursuing previously?

Kat: Well, I had a camera (laughs). It was just because I was there and I had one. I wasn’t really trying to be expressive. I didn’t take that many photos of shows; the cost of film and developing was expensive. Also, with the low light, the photos often came out horrible.

Ryan: You need an SLR and a lens with a low f-stop. Even then, results aren’t guaranteed.

Kat: I had a Canon FTb camera. I was the beneficiary of trickle down: my dad would get something new, and I’d get the old version of whatever he replaced it with. It was a nice camera that was unfortunately stolen. I didn’t take photographs as a means of self-expression. I just had a camera and I was standing there.

Ryan: If you don’t mind me digressing back a bit, did your parents have to flee Iran when the Shah fell or had they already moved back to the States? I can’t help but think that all of this—you having lived in Iran—played some part in the naming of “Surfin’ with the Shah.”

Kat: Yes, they did. They went on Christmas vacation and never went back.

Ryan: Amazing. I’m glad to hear they got out safely.

Kat: Yeah. My dad was an army officer. He liked that kind of excitement (laughs). I was in Iran and John would write me and send me punk mixtapes. Iran was very much on his mind. I would say that had a lot to do with naming of the song, “Surfin’ with the Shah.” But not the modality or anything.

Ryan: What years were you in Iran?

Kat: I was there when I was in high school, so 1970-1973. I then went to the University of Texas. I was an insane overachiever and graduated UT in three years. My parents moved back to Iran. I went to visit; I thought, “Why go back to the States? I can get a job here.” So I got a job typing repair logs for Bell Helicopter. I came back to the States with something on my resume: “I’ve had a job!” When I moved back to Austin, I was employed by a contractor that worked for the Air Force at what was then Bergstrom Air Force Base.

Urinals practicing at Dykstra Hall (UCLA). Photo by Kat Talley-Jones

Ryan: Going back to the early days of The Urinals, do you recall the first 7” EP (self-titled) coming out?

Kat: Oh, sure.

Ryan: You took the photo for the back cover. I can only imagine being part of a self-released 7” was pretty exciting back in 1978.

Kat: It was very exciting. I had been a prog fan. I loved Yes and Emerson, Lake & Palmer. It seemed so out of reach; what ordinary mortal could release a record? To think that you could control the means of production that way was amazing. I can’t remember if that’s the one with the taped piece of Super 8 film on it, but I certainly sat down with Kevin and Kjehl and taped pieces of film on one of the labels. I stuffed the singles too into the plastic bags. I would go around with John and we’d drop the records off to stores on consignment. I was still living in Santa Barbara. I recall going to record stores there. People were often extremely uninterested, because the records were so handmade looking. Not all of the record stores—even the independent ones—were interested in the DIY thing yet.

Ryan: I grew up in Newbury Park, between Los Angeles and Santa Barbara. I found it surprising that The Urinals played an early show in Santa Barbara (at George’s on November 4, 1979). The recording was recently released as a live LP, Pin the Needles. You must have been the conduit for that show.

Kat: Yeah. There was a band that was playing up there, The Neighbors, and someone in the group worked at a record store in Goleta. I would go and hang out there and that’s how that connection was made. Santa Barbara doesn’t seem that likely, does it? There wasn’t much going on up there.

Ryan: Nearly zero. You don’t think of Santa Barbara and punk.

Kat: There was a little bit. There was The Rotters.

Ryan: That’s true. Lance Loud was from Santa Barbara.

Kat: But he had moved on.

Ryan: Right. To New York.

Kat: I lived in Isla Vista. The Rotters played a park there and I saw them. I would walk down the street and people would yell, “Hey, punk rock!” Nobody looked like that in Santa Barbara then. There was this club called The Fubar in Goleta. I saw Magazine play there. There were probably 15 people there. It was not a crowd. People didn’t know about them.

John might not frame it this way, but I was also pretty instrumental in setting up the Raul’s shows in Austin (March 27, 1978, and March 28, 1978).

Ryan: That’s interesting.

Kat: Phil Tolstead had been John’s roommate (at UT), so I can’t say that they weren’t close. But I had a connection with the Huns. The Urinals played with the Re-Cords (at Raul’s) which was Tom Huckabee from the Huns’ band. They also played with the Norvells which was Sally Norvell’s band. I don’t have a specific remembrance of setting the Raul’s shows up, but I was always writing letters to (Huns keyboardist) Dan (Puckett), Victoria (Jones) and less to Phil (Tolstead). Phil could hardly manage to write you back. We were in touch a lot. When the Huns had their bust (September 19, 1978), they sent me a T-shirt with the image of Phil being arrested by the police officer. I still have a photo of me wearing it. I think I have the original cover art for their 7”. Victoria painted the cover and sent it to me. I’ll have to look for it. I’ve got boxes filled with stuff.

Ryan: It’s pretty amazing that the first Urinals show outside of UCLA was in Austin at Raul’s. Do you recall trekking out there?

Kat: I think we drove out to Austin in Kjehl’s Chevy Caprice. It was a small Chevy; it wasn’t big. We crammed everyone in there. My particular gift is that I wake up very early. When everyone else can’t drive another moment, I’m starting to wake up. With the four of us we were able to make it to Austin in one shot. I think it was 27 hours. We just brought guitars. Kevin borrowed Tom Huckabee’s drums. We stayed with friends and drank a lot of frozen margaritas. I think those two shows at Raul’s happened over spring break (1978). That was the only time everyone could get together to leave town.

Ryan: That makes sense.

Kat: Yeah. We weren’t in school or working.

Urinals performing at a house party. Photo by Kat Talley-Jones

Ryan: Can you talk about writing “Ack Ack Ack Ack.” As far as I know, it’s your only songwriting credit, but it’s a great one.

Kat: Right. Why not stay on a highpoint? I had heard the news reports about Brenda Spencer, the girl who shot some kids in school. It was the same event that inspired the song “I Don’t Like Mondays” (by the Boomtown Rats). I was thinking about that. When I was a kid, as everyone does, I’d play war with friends. We’d chase each other around and pretend to shoot each other. The boys—I don’t know if it was genetic or what—but they could always make that machine gun sound better than I could. I was always jealous. They could vocalize “Ack Ack Ack Ack” and I couldn’t. It was a word you’d see in comic books. I always liked it as a sound. Why did I name the subject of the song Johnny? Possibly because of John.

Ryan: How did the music come together? You wrote the lyrics and John composed the music?

Kat: I wrote the lyrics. I typed them up. I was still in Isla Vista. I probably mailed them to John. But we saw each other virtually every weekend. I would drive down (to West Los Angeles) and occasionally he’d drive up. But John had an old Volkswagen that couldn’t get over the Conejo Grade.

Ryan: I lived right at the top of the Conejo Grade for years. I know exactly what you’re talking about.

Kat: Yeah. So John would take the Greyhound Bus to Santa Barbara and he’d smell like the bus for a day or two. It’d take a while to get that smell out.

Ryan: Los Angeles to Santa Barbara isn’t too far. Nevertheless, it’s still about a two-hour drive.

Kat: There would be a Urinals or 100 Flowers show. Afterwards, I’d sleep until about 4 AM. And then I’d scoot out when there was no traffic to work. I had a Buick Skyhawk with a V6 engine. It was a terrible car; the clutch cable would always break. I’d drive it straight to work. It’s no wonder why I didn’t get the best performance reviews.

Ryan: Do you recall taking the photo for the Presence of Mind 7” EP? It has a real dada feel to it.

Kat: John came up with the idea. I think it was taken at Kevin’s apartment. I don’t know why it was just John and Kjehl (on the front cover). It feels like Kevin was developing in another direction. He had gotten extremely political. I wrapped them up in newspaper and took the photo. That one turned out nice because the black and white was more saturated. It seemed like the photos for the other albums were washed out. We may have had a rudimentary darkroom; it’s possible we made the prints ourselves. That sounds like something we would’ve done. It’s insane to me that we have so few photos. We just couldn’t afford it at the time.

Ryan: You’ve compiled an amazing Urinals and 100 Flowers gigography. How did you put it together?

Kat: I had these tiny datebooks my dad would get from the USAA. I would get one and he’d keep one. When we lived in Iran, I’d make daily notes. What I was doing in Tehran, the dates I’d been on and other things. I had a habit of making daily notes. Later on, I went back to those little pocket calendars and made that gig list. It’s moderately accurate.

Ryan: It’s an incredible resource. I didn’t realize 100 Flowers played Phoenix with the Meat Puppets (on October 17, 1981). I thought those early shows at Raul’s in Austin was the only time the early incarnation of the band left California.

Kat: We drove in Seabiscuit—the name I gave my horrible Buick Skyhawk. Again, it was Kevin, John, Kjehl and I and we drove straight to Phoenix. We left early. I remember Savage Republic drove out too and played; they might have been called Africa Corps then. I did take some decent photos of that show. It was at a boxing ring (Phoenix Madison Square Gardens). There’s a nice one of John and David Wiley that I took. David was in Human Hands.

Ryan: The Consumers too.

Kat: Right. We stayed at David’s house. Bruce Licher and the other Savage Republic guys stayed with the Meat Puppets at their place. The Savage Republic guys were pretty clean cut, but the Meat Puppets took acid and were playing cowboys and Indians over them all night.

Ryan: That makes sense.

Kat: Yeah (laughs). It was always kind of a blitzkrieg thing. We actually spent one night in Arizona. 100 Flowers played in San Francisco. We drove up for the gig and then drove back home (to Los Angeles) afterwards. It was pretty horrendous.

Ryan: I’ve done Los Angeles to Phoenix and back to see a show. It’s pretty rough.

Kat: It’s doable.

Ryan: I did it in my early twenties. I’d just spring for a motel now.

Kat: Yeah. I mean, if they were playing in San Diego now, we’d stay the night at a hotel. We drove back from a show in San Diego one time. A truck tire bounced over the center divider and hopped over us, hitting the car behind us. That was scary.

Ryan: With the benefit of hindsight, it’s interesting seeing The Urinals evolve. You can hear their musicianship develop on each EP. Eventually, they’d release compilations like Keats Rides a Harley on their own imprint, Happy Squid. I picture The Shaggs evolving like that had they actually wanted to be in a band. There aren’t many similar examples. Maybe The Raincoats? I can’t think of any at the moment from Los Angeles.

Kat: They learned more and more as they went along. I don’t think they initially had aspirations to release, say, Keats Rides a Harley or The Happy Squid Sampler. An LP was unthinkable when they started. I’m sure John and Kjehl have mentioned this, but getting a mentor like Vitus (Mataré) was key. Vitus knew how to do things. Obviously, being in The Last he had a much broader reach. They knew Gary Stewart (The Last’s manager) and people who were more record business savvy. But there was never any aspiration to get picked up by a record label. That was also unthinkable. It wasn’t a political thing: “We’re pure of heart. We’re not going to sign.” But who would’ve signed The Urinals in that era? There was some interaction with Greg Shaw at Bomp! It seemed like it was all a natural progression. It wasn’t aspirational—if that makes sense.

Ryan: It does. The Urinals and 100 Flowers weren’t trying to get on Enigma Records.

Kat: Right. I think it was really satisfying to put out friends’ work. I think about the little Happy Squid Sampler (1980). Getting stuff out by Neef and Phil Bedel (“Bells in Ice” 45, 1980). I’m not going to say it was done out of generosity of spirit; they’d just figured out how to do it. John is extremely thrifty and a monetarily conscious person. Doing things as cheaply as possible resonated with him. They were playing with all of these great bands—Leaving Trains, Meat Puppets, and Gun Club—and they had simply figured out how to get records made. So they did it without being careerist. It was coming from an artistic standpoint.

Ryan: Do you recall the last two 100 Flowers shows at the Anti-Club (January 28 and 29, 1983)? I think that was the only time the band headlined a bill.

Kat: Oh yeah. It was so crazy—it was celebratory, but it was also the end of the band. There was that psychological development: celebrating and mourning at the same time. I don’t know why, but it always seemed like 100 Flowers played when it was raining. That’s true up until the present. I think the Anti-Club shows happened during an El Nino year. It was really wet outside; everyone at the club was wet. It was humid; the walls were dripping. The Minutemen played. It was a lot of fun. I remember thinking, “Why couldn’t it have been like this all the time?” But people didn’t appreciate them until they were ending the band.

The second night was with the Leaving Trains and The Last. I don’t remember that show being as wild as the one where The Minutemen played. But how could it ever be?

Ryan: With the release of the Negative Capability compilation and reunion in 1996, it seemed like folks caught up with the Urinals. It was the same thing with Mission of Burma when they reunited.

Kat: Yes. Honestly, I think some of it had to do with the singles being collectors’ items. They were being bootlegged back in the 1990s. “Oh, that band I paid $100 for their 7” is reforming.” Perhaps I’m wrong on that

Ryan: I think you’re right. I was in New York City two years ago and I went to Almost Ready Records. They had just gotten the first Urinals 7” EP in. I remember saying, “Oh, wow! That’s the first one I’ve seen in the wild.” It has an effect.

Kat: Oh really?

Ryan: Yeah. I’d never seen an original copy of the first 7” before. Those records suck you in. We were talking about Vitus and The Last earlier: I recall seeing a test press of Look Again (1980)—obviously, the record was never released—on the wall at Amoeba for hundreds of dollars in the mid-2000s. It sticks with you. Especially with self-released records like The Urinals 7”s. They had an initial small pressing, limited distribution, and often record labels—with or without a band’s approval—will repress titles once used copies hit a certain price. If you released it and you’re not repressing them, prices go up and they sometimes get pirated.

Kat: It always irritated me. The band never saw any of that money. Like I said, John was very thrifty. I’m sure he wasn’t in the red. But they weren’t sold for much originally. I don’t know how many copies of the first EP we have. I’d be surprised if it was five. You wanted them out in the world.

Ryan: You’re still involved with the Urinals and 100 Flowers. I see you’re still taking photographs. It’s amazing seeing them play places like Belgium and China.

Kat: Yeah. I always thought they were doing interesting things. It wasn’t random. I had mentioned that their records being scarce had some allure, but they were doing something different. They continue to. All of John’s iterations of the band have been good. There are things I’ve liked more than other things. There have been times where I’ve liked the band less than at other times. But they’ve persisted because they have merit. All of the band members have a vision. I believe in it. There have been times where I’ve been busy with my own work and haven’t gone to shows. As I mentioned earlier, I wake up early, so having a set start at midnight isn’t always my favorite thing. But I enjoy watching them play. I think John appreciates that if I think something sucks that I’ll tell him. But not with an axe to grind.

Kat and John today, photo by Pat Aldarete.

#urinals #100flowers #kattalleyjones #johntalleyjones #ackackackack #happysquid

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under-the-blue-sun · 4 years

Text

i know myself

summary: Dan huffed. "Look, Lester, I know what you're doing. You're taking pity on me and you're trying to help. It's nice. I get it. But I know myself, and I don't need your advice."

word count: 1571

rating: teen & up

warnings: slurs (p*nce), blood, bullying, fight

note: i just needed some cliche fluff to write to kill the time. i apologise for the mess you're about to read. slightly inspired by cavetown's song, advice. give it a listen if you haven't already! enjoy :)

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"Hey, ponce!"

Blurry faces surrounded the boy before Phil even had time to think. A small, pale face peeked out behind their muscular thighs, his curly hair stained with blood and sweat. An orange football boot shoved it down, covering his face in even more dirt and blood. The biggest one slammed a bright red lunch tray hit him even harder.

"See you after school." the scrawny one sniggered, before they stalked away.

It made Phil sick. Sick at them for doing that to him, sick at himself for watching them do that and not doing anything, sick at the world for allowing people to do that to other people.

"Hey." Phil said, before he could stop himself. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." the boy huffed, brushing the sandwich crumbs off his pants and the blood off his face.

"Are you new? Haven't seen you around." Phil said.

The boy picked up his tray and bottle.

"And you won't anymore." he said, and walked away before Phil could say anything else.

Phil stole a glance at the label on his drink bottle. Dan Howell.

It was at that moment when Phil decided he had found himself a new friend.

---

He saw Dan Howell again in the same spot outside the library with his lunch all over the floor.

"Did they shove you to the floor again?" Phil asked.

"No." Dan said. "I dropped my tray."

Phil nodded, even though he knew Dan was lying. "Okay."

Phil helped him clean it all up, and grabbed his drink bottle.

"How did you get all that blood on your face? From walking into a pole?" Phil said, as he handed the bottle to Dan.

Dan grabbed it quickly. "Yeah. Something like that."

Phil watched as Dan walked away, empty tray and bottle in hand.

"Hey, Howell!" Phil called out. "Got anyone to sit with?"

Dan didn't turn back.

---

Phil waited for a week before he talked to Dan again.

Phil smiled as he slammed his pile of books next to Dan. "Fancy seeing you here again."

Dan rolled his eyes and turned to look at Phil. "You again."

"I have a name, you know." Phil said, sticking out his hand. "Phil Lester."

Dan glanced at the hand before turning to his studying. Phil sighed and put his hand down.

"What are you studying?" Phil asked.

Dan huffed. "English. Look, Lester, I know what you're doing. You're taking pity on me and you're trying to help. It's nice. I get it. But I know myself, and I don't need your advice."

Phil nodded. "Alright."

Phil watched as Dan turned to study.

"Go away, Lester." Dan said, not turning.

"I actually need to study, though." Phil said, gesturing to his pile of textbooks.

Dan looked at him.

"What?" Phil said, grabbing his nearest textbook. "I also really need to study English."

Dan raised his eyebrow. "That's an Japanese textbook."

"Thank you for telling me." Phil said solemnly. "I have a lot of catching up to do."

---

"Got any new friends, Phil?"

Phil sighed. "I guess so. I don't think he really wants to be my friend, though."

"It's good you're trying." Mum said. "I know how sad you were after PJ and Martyn left. What's his name?"

"Dan. Dan Howell." Phil replied.

"That's a nice name." Mum beamed.

Phil shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

Mum collapsed on the chair. "I give up on cooking. What pizza are we ordering this time?"

---

"Why do you wanna be my friend so bad?" Dan suddenly asked.

Phil bit his pencil. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Before you found out I cam here, you didn't step a foot in the library. Then, for two weeks in a row, you sit right here, right next to me, and you try to feed me food."

Phil shrugged. "I'm just trying to study here. Mint?"

Dan huffed. "Drop the act, Lester. What do you want from me?"

"Nothing!" Phil protested.

"I've been to three high schools. I know human teenagers don't try to get close to someone unless they have something to gain from it." Dan spat. "What do you want?"

Phil sighed. "I see those jerks bully you every day and it bugs me. What I want is for no one to go through that. No one deserves to be treated like a piece of meat, Howell. Even you."

"Lay off of me." Dan seethed. "You are not my mum."

"I don't need to be your mum to care about other people's wellbeing, Howell." Phil said.

"You're not my friend, either, Lester." Dan said, picking his textbook up. "So go the hell away."

"How about have a question from me, Howell? Why do you wanna not be my friend so bad? Am I doing something wrong? Or do you just not like me?"

Dan slammed the book on the desk. "You don't know shit about me. Shut the hell up and leave before I make you."

"Okay." Phil said. "See you around."

"No, you won't." Dan said.

Phil sighed and nodded, grabbing his books and heading home to his mum's terrible cooking.

---

"Good news, Phil." PJ said, over FaceTime. "I'm heading home for a bit."

"Really?" Phil said, grinning.

"Yeah." PJ smiled. "I can only chill on Sunday night, though. I already promised my parents for Saturday lunch and dinner. You know how they are."

"It's fine. There's the pop-up fair this weekend. Let's go to that." Phil suggested.

"Cool. Maybe I can meet your friend Dan?" PJ said.

Phil's smile immediately dropped. "No, he's busy."

PJ, sensing Phil's discomfort, nodded and changed topic immediately, and they talked for half an hour about narwhals before PJ had to hang up and Phil felt empty again.

---

"PJ!" Phil exclaimed.

PJ wrapped Phil in a tight hug. "Long time no see, Philly."

"So, how's university for you, Peej?" Phil asked, smirking. "Or should I say Doctor Peej?"

PJ rolled his eyes. "Oh, shut up. Haven't got my degree yet."

"Yet." Phil emphasized. "After you get it, I'm so calling you Doctor Peej."

The fair wasn't the classic American fair from high school teen movies, but it was good enough for England. As PJ said, England manages to make everything slightly drab, but their effort is cute.

"How are you so shit at literally the easiest game here?" PJ asked, shouting to be hard over the roar of the crowd.

"Shh, I'm trying my best." Phil shouted out, as he hit the exact middle between the two clowns which bounced off and hit him in the nose. "Ow!"

PJ sniggered. "This game's a bit too dangerous for you, Phil. Come on, let's go do something else."

Phil chuckled as stepped out of queue to let the 6-year-old behind him take the gun. PJ looked to the side and shook his head.

"And it wouldn't be a fair without the nerd being bullied by the jocks." PJ said, clicking his tongue.

Phil turned to see where PJ was looking at and froze. "That's Dan."

PJ's eyes widened. "Seriously?"

"Definitely." Phil replied.

"Are you sure?" PJ asked.

Phil nodded. "I'm certain."

After the tallest one took his last punch, the biggest one held him up by the neck and strangled him against the wall.

"Jesus Christ." PJ said.

"Come on, we have to help him." Phil said, running over to the site of the broken ferris wheel.

"Let him go, assholes." PJ yelled.

"Oh look, your boyfriends are here." the biggest one mocked.

"Oh, get a life, Smithson. Do you really have nothing better to do on a Sunday night?" Phil said, helping Dan up. "Bit sad, really. You'd almost think you guys are his boyfriends, with you wasting your nights over an obsession with a boy. Come on, Dan."

Phil lent a hand to help Dan up, but was pushed to the ground before Dan could get up. He brought his hand to his face, and realised that his nose was bleeding all over his shirt and denim jacket. He stumbled backwards, surprised, into the path of a police officer.

"Excuse me?" the officer said. "What do you think-"

She looked at the blood on his face, then at Smithson and the rest, who was already laughing and sprinting into the distance. She glanced at Dan and Phil, both covered in blood and bleeding all over the floor.

"Sorry, boys." she said, before she continued patrolling the area.

PJ sighed as he helped Dan and Phil up. "Are you two okay?"

"I'm okay, just bleeding a lot." Phil said, wiping the blood from his mouth. "Dan?"

Dan sighed as he felt around his neck. "I thought I told you to stop talking to me."

Phil looked down. "Sorry."

Dan shook his head. "I'm not mad."

"You're not?"

"No." He gave a small smile to Phil. "Thanks for helping me. Sorry for being such an asshole."

"It's okay." Phil said. "How about we spend the rest of the time here going on every ride and seeing which one makes us the sickest."

Dan grinned. "Sounds like a deal."

PJ smirked as he watched Dan flush as he held Phil's hand for a second longer than he should have.

"Maybe they were right about the boyfriend thing." PJ said aside to Phil.

Phil went red. "What?"

"I'm just saying." PJ said.

He had a feeling he was going to be hearing a lot more of this Dan Howell.

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phantasticworks · 5 years

Text

If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter Four

hi everyone! sorry this update is a little late, I’ve had kind of a weird week.

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Words: 11.4k

Summary: Dan and Phil have a home visit with Hazel and a dinner with Martyn and Cornelia.

Warnings for this chapter: there is some drinking and a hangover scene, but nothing too explicit with sickness or anything

“Phil!” Dan yells from the laundry room, searching frantically through the clothes in the dryer for the shirt he was planning on wearing to work.

“Stop yelling, I’m right here,” Phil replies, much quieter than Dan had been. Dan whirls around to find Phil walking into the laundry room, a frown on his face as he stares down at his phone.

“Where’s my black plaid shirt?” Dan demands, not even bothering to ask what is capturing his attention on his phone.

The older man glances up at this, a look of incredulity on his face. “How should I know?” He asks, shrugging.

Dan sighs. “Because you’re the one who did laundry last. So, you should know where it is,” he explains sharply, turning back to sort through the clothes in the dryer once again.

“Maybe it’s still in the washer.” Phil shrugs, before continuing. “I just phoned Mum to tell her about the… situation.”

“Seriously? I wanted to wear it today!” Dan groans, shoving his curls off his forehead before glancing over his shoulder at Phil. “How’d it go?”

Phil shrugs, pocketing his phone and leaning against the doorframe. “Well, I didn’t get very far in my explanation. I told her I had some news, and she asked if it was about you. I told her it was, and she had a bit of an… interesting reaction.”

Dan raises an eyebrow, tugging a shirt out of the dryer that he recognizes as one of Phil’s. He holds it up with his index finger, dangling it to the side so Phil can see it. “Can I wear this?” He asks, before closing the lid on the dryer.

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Phil nods. “Sure, I don’t care. Please keep it clean, though, it’s my favorite.” Dan nods in reply before tugging his t-shirt off and slipping his arms into the blue button-up. Phil watches quietly, probably not even realizing that he was staring.

Clearing his throat, Dan begins buttoning the shirt, glancing up at Phil as he asks, “So, what did Kath say?”

Phil seems to shake himself, and Dan catches a brief hint of color in his cheeks before he turns to walk towards the kitchen, Dan following him. “Well… Don’t get mad, but she didn’t actually get to hear the explanation,” Phil says slowly, pouring coffee into two separate mugs, carefully avoiding Dan’s gaze.

“Yeah? What did she get to hear?” Dan says teasingly, trying to gauge if his best friend was upset or just worried that Dan would be.

“Well… After I said it was about you, she asked if we were together. I didn’t really know what to say, so I told her yes-“ His eyes dart up to meet Dan’s suddenly, guilt covering his face. “I swear I tried to explain it, but she didn’t really let me get a word in. I basically just had to listen to her gush for a solid ten minutes, and by then I figured it didn’t make sense to try correcting her.”

Dan watches Phil explain this as he prepares their coffee, leaving Dan’s unsweetened, just how he likes it. When Phil finishes and finally brings his gaze to Dan’s, the younger man just shrugs. “Oh well. You tried to explain it. It’s fine if she doesn’t know the truth. If it doesn’t bother you, at least,” he says nonchalantly, reaching for his coffee cup before turning to sit at the table.

“You… You’re not upset?” Phil asks slowly, studying Dan’s face carefully.

Taking a sip of the too-hot coffee, Dan shrugs one shoulder. “Not really. I mean, it kinda makes it easier, don’t you reckon? It beats trying to justify fostering children with your platonic best mate.” The words feel bitter, and he drinks more of his scalding drink to burn the taste of the words off his tongue.

Phil regards him carefully for a moment, his blue eyes piercing as he studies the brunet. Finally, he nods. “I guess.” One corner of his mouth lifts up into a small smile, and Dan stands when he checks the time on his phone, seeing that he needs to leave soon to get to work on time.

“Do you want me to drive you this morning?” He asks over his shoulder as he walks to the front door where his shoes are waiting.

Phil shakes his head as he follows behind him, watching Dan struggle to put his shoes on. “No, it’s fine. I already ordered a cab. You can pick me up on your way home, though?” He asks, shoving his hands into the pockets of his black skinny jeans.

Finally managing to shove his feet into both his shoes, Dan nods. “Alright. See you then.” Dan has the absurd urge to embrace Phil, or maybe just peck his cheek, but instead he just waves before turning to step out of their apartment. Having to act like a couple with someone is going to make you feel like this, he reasons with himself.

“Bye Dan. Be safe driving to work,” Phil calls after him before Dan closes the door. Again, he’s hit with the instinct to say something cheesy and domestic back, but he takes a deep breath and forces it away.

“Bye,” he calls softly before making his way to the elevator. At least he was actually going to be on time for work for once.

~~~

A few days later they have their first home visit with Hazel, and it would be an understatement to say that Dan is a nervous wreck.

“Daniel, I swear to god if you clean that table one more time, I’m going to punch you,” Phil calls from the lounge, his voice full of exasperation.

Dan cringes, dropping the towel back onto the table with a sheepish look on his face when he turns to meet Phil’s gaze. “Sorry. I’m just- I think I’m nervous,” he confesses, tugging nervously at his shirt, as if it’s wrinkled.

Phil nods, but rolls his eyes fondly. “Obviously. But you need to calm down, everything is fine. The flat is spotless, and Hazel is going to be blown away by how clean we keep it.” He grins reassuringly from the couch, where he’s sat on his laptop.

“Fine,” Dan sighs, walking over to collapse onto the sofa beside his best friend. “What’re you looking at?” He asks as he leans over, looking over at Phil’s screen.

“Nothing,” Phil squeaks, turning the screen away from Dan’s curious gaze.

Now about twenty percent more curious, Dan reaches for the screen. He’s surprised when Phil doesn’t try to stop him, regardless of his previous reaction. It takes a moment for Dan to realize what it is that he’s looking at, but when he does he smiles softly before letting out a giggle. “Really, Phil?” He asks, looking at him out of the corner of his eyes. “Parenting books? You think we need parenting books?” He’s aware that he sounds overly fond, but he can’t help it. It’s just so… Phil.

“Shut up,” Phil grumbles, shoving Dan’s hand away from his laptop. “I didn’t say you needed them. I just think that I do.” He sounds less amused now, and Dan realizes he’s actually serious.

“Phil,” Dan says firmly, closing the laptop and pulling it away. Phil’s blue eyes shift to meet his, a sort of helpless look about them. “You’re going to be fine. Okay? Sure, neither of us really know what we’re doing, but I think we’ll figure it out. Plus, we have training starting next week, remember? And that’s a full three-week course we have to take. I think we’ll be fine.” He squeeze’s Phil’s leg just above his knee, and the older man sighs, but nods slowly.

“Okay,” he agrees quietly. “But I’m still buying the books.” He adds, holding his hand out for his laptop.

Dan rolls his eyes, but just as he goes to hand the MacBook over, a buzzer noise sounds, indicating that Hazel has arrived for the home visit. In a quiet moment, their eyes lock, blue on brown, and Dan feels that he’s seeing all of his nerves and anxiety reflected back to him in the blue eyes of his best friend, but he feels insanely comforted knowing that his feelings are shared and justified. He smiles slightly as Phil’s hand comes up to squeeze his own gently, a source of comfort before what feels like a terrifying obstacle that they have to overcome.

“Let’s go. We’ve got company.” Dan murmurs softly as he stands, gently tugging on Phil’s hand to lead him to the front door, where the caseworker is waiting.

~~~

“Well, you certainly have a lovely flat,” Hazel says politely. They had invited her in for a cup of tea before the real part of the home visit started. Although he wasn’t entirely positive how it was supposed to go, Dan figured she’d probably have a look around the apartment and make sure there wasn’t anything that could be considered dangerous for children, as well as just get a more general idea of what kind of people they were. The dorky kind, he figured, but he was going to let her come to her own conclusions after checking the bookshelf filled with games and movies.

“Thanks,” Phil answers her, handing her a cup of tea and gesturing to the dining table. “Here, Dan.” He places a second mug into Dan’s hand, and the younger man is a little surprised. He hadn’t realized Phil was making him some as well, although it made sense, considering he had the two cups and all.

“Thank you,” Dan smiles at him. He can almost feel Hazel watching them as she sits at the table, so he quickly leans forward and presses his lips gently to Phil’s cheek before turning to the table, not waiting to see his reaction. Because they did this all the time, absolutely. Casual. Cheek-kissing? Daily occurrence here at the Howell-Lester home.

“So, obviously I’m here for the home visit,” Hazel begins, her hands resting gently around the cup as she speaks. Phil drops into the seat beside Dan, bringing his folded hands onto the table in front of him. Dan has the weirdest urge to reach out and intertwine their hands, but he isn’t going to, it would be silly. “So, I just wanted to speak to you about a few things and have a look around.”

Both men nod at her words, as they had been expecting this. “Well, we’re ready when you are,” Dan says cheerfully.

Hazel smiles at this before taking a sip of her tea. “Great! So, firstly, don’t be nervous as these are just general questions that everyone is asked.” She waits for them to nod, indicating that they’re following along. “Obviously since the two of you are engaged, you have a support system within each other, which is great. But how would you say your family or friend support is? Do you have people that know about and support your decision to do this?”

Dan pauses, unsure what to say. Luckily, Phil takes the lead on this one. “Yes, actually. My parents live on Isle of Man, but I have a brother and sister-in-law who live here in London. They’re very supportive, and they’ve actually got a child as well, so they’re right in the throes of parenthood now themselves.” Phil smiles charmingly, and Dan knows that this response was a good one and he can tell that Hazel approves.

“Very good! So, another thing I wanted to speak about were your jobs. Everyone gets nervous when I say this, because they think I’m about to ask them to quit,” she pauses, and Dan and Phil exchange a look.

“I’m quite fond of my job, if I’m honest, but I suppose it wouldn’t be the worst to take a break, if I had to,” Dan replies, half-joking. He’d rather not quit his job, for any amount of time, but if one of them needed to in order to do this, he’d take the risk himself. Phil had been working so long to get to where he is in the radio industry and Dan would never ask him to give that up, especially since he had gotten them into this in the first place.

Hazel laughs but shakes her head. “No, no. You don’t have to quit your job, either of you. I just like to know a bit more about occupations as a sort of indicator of how much time you’ll be able to spend with the children.”

Dan nods at this, and after Phil gestures for him to go first, he begins speaking. “Well, like I’ve said, I’m a guidance counselor, so my days are generally pretty short. I work a little later on Tuesdays and Thursdays, as I’ve got some after school administrative duties those days, but that’s typically no later than four in the evening.”

The caseworker nods along before looking to Phil. Dan is slightly relieved that she doesn’t have a notebook or anything with her, as he feels that would only serve to make him more nervous if she were to be taking notes.

Phil glances over at him as if for reassurance, and Dan nods, smiling encouragingly. He got the feeling that sometimes Phil didn’t like to talk about his work, as sometimes he felt that most people just pretended to be interested because he worked with celebrities. It was a whole lot more than just that, but it was hard for some people to see it if they didn’t know all the facts.

“Well, I work for the BBC as a producer,” he begins, glancing down at his hands. “I work generally five or six days a week, depending on how schedules work out. I typically work around the same hours as Dan, I just go in a bit later and come home a bit later as well. I generally don’t work Saturdays or Sundays, but occasionally if schedules with some of the other staff don’t work out I pop in for a bit Saturdays.”

“Good, good. So, do each of you feel that your work is generally flexible, in terms of family matters?” She asks, sipping her tea as she waits for the response.

Dan shares a glance with Phil, who shrugs. “I mean, I think so,” Dan starts. “I work with a lot of parents, and our contracts allow us several sick days, family days, that sort of thing. And I think-“ he glances at Phil as he speaks. “I think it’s the same for the BBC, right?”

Phil nods at this. “Yeah, it is. Several of our presenters have kids, and occasionally something may come up, but management is great about letting people off for that sort of thing.” He grins cheekily then, and Dan rolls his eyes, expecting what he’s about to say before it even leaves his mouth. “Of course, being a producer has its perks, as I generally have the last say in what I do.”

Hazel laughs good-naturedly at this, while Dan just mumbles to himself, rolling his eyes fondly. “Well, I’m sure that certainly is a plus,” she grins. “Well, I think that might be it for questions, if you’d like to just show me around, I might have a few more questions about the home environment.”

“Sure, sure.” Dan stands as Phil does, grabbing his cup of tea as he goes. Phil gives him a look at this, but Dan only shrugs. “What? It’ll get cold if I don’t drink it!”

“You’ll drop it; you’re a child,” Phil says fondly, shaking his head as he moves around the table to show Hazel around the flat. Hazel is smiling at them, which just eggs Dan on.

“Great, you’ve been handling me for years, I think you’re well ready for parenting!” He smirks when Phil shoots him a look, but luckily, Hazel only laughs at their banter.

“You both are just so cute,” she gushes, causing Dan’s cheeks to redden slightly at that. “How long have you been together?” She asks, following them into the lounge.

“Ten years, this October,” Phil responds casually, stepping over to the sliding glass door that led to the office they had downstairs.

Dan accidentally splutters over his tea when Phil’s words register, and both Phil and Hazel turn around to look at him in concern. His best friend looks almost amused, while Hazel has a worried look on her face.

“Are you alright, Dan?” She asks, tentatively stepping forward.

Nodding quickly, Dan clears his throat. “Yes, I just, er, sipped a little too much at once. Went down wrong,” he lies cleanly, smiling tightly at her while avoiding the smirk on Phil’s face.

Hazel nods, and apparently sensing that the danger has passed, she turns back to Phil, an impressed look on her face. “You’ve been together ten years already?” She asks, looking genuinely surprised.

Dan shrugs, and tries not to blush. It wasn’t a lie, they had been best friends for ten years, but the wording made him feel kind of gooey and strange. “Yeah,” he answers firmly, going for a casual lean against the doorway but elbowing the door hard as he goes, making it slam loudly against the wall. “He hasn’t gotten tired of me yet, so here I am.” Smooth recovery. Smooth. He tries not to reach for his stinging elbow.

Phil rolls his eyes at this but turns to Hazel with a look of feigned exasperation. “I guess we’re stuck together at this point.” He holds up his left hand to indicate the ring, and Hazel tries to hide her smile as she moves around the room, no doubt checking for anything sketchy.

“He’s kidding, obviously. We both know we would be miserable with anyone else,” Dan says off-handedly as Hazel steps back toward the door, indicating that they can continue with the house tour. He doesn’t even realize what he’d said until he catches Phil’s gaze.

Before he can correct himself, Phil speaks up. “I think the world would rip in half if we were apart, don’t you, Dan?” He asks, and some distant memory floods the younger man’s mind, causing him to blush profusely.

They were out with Martyn and Cornelia a few years ago, before they had Evan, and Dan had gotten completely drunk. They all thought it was funny, of course, but at some point during the night, Phil had stepped out to call a cab for them, and Dan had cried in Cornelia’s arms, babbling about how the world would fall apart if they were apart for very long. Martyn, the insufferable older brother he was, pulled out his phone and recorded Dan’s meltdown. When he showed it to Dan a couple weeks later, he’d nearly crawled under a table in embarrassment, but they all swore that it was endearing.

At the memory, Dan thinks back to what Phil had said about them being supportive of all this and he wonders if Phil had actually spoken to them already about what was happening. Knowing Phil, he probably had, as he and Martyn were quite close; Dan only wondered what version of the story he had told them.

“That’s disgustingly adorable, really,” Hazel comments, breaking Dan out of his reverie, his cheeks blushing when he realizes that he had been stood staring at Phil instead of responding to him.

“Yeah, he is,” Phil says, a mocking tone in his voice. He’s grinning though, sticking his tongue out in that cute way he has. Dan narrows his eyes in an attempt to be menacing, but Phil just walks past him, patting him on the cheek, before continuing on, showing Hazel to the rest of the flat.

Dan stays back for a minute, only to collect his thoughts. It’s fine, though, honestly everything is fine, he just needs a second to breathe and pull himself back into what they’re currently doing. Despite the fact that Phil had only mentioned that night in jest, Dan was suddenly thinking of a different night, even longer ago than that, and his head is spinning as the thoughts are running through his head.

“Dan, you know I’m not going anywhere, right? Even if you decide to change your major, or drop out, or whatever. I’m right here.” Phil had petted his hair softly as Dan sobbed, face in Phil’s lap. He had been failing practically all of his law courses at Manchester, he hated his course of study, he couldn’t waste all of the money he had already spent but he couldn��t do this-. And Phil had been right there, pulling him into the apartment and down onto the crappy second hand couch, scanning his hands over Dan’s shoulders for injuries.

“I can’t do it,” Dan whispered into the wet material of Phil’s neon green hoodie. His hands were fisted so tight in the front of the fabric, he felt he would tear it if he wasn’t careful. “I can’t stay but I can’t drop out either.”

Phil presses his lips to Dan’s hair, and Dan couldn’t help but try to curl even further into Phil’s warmth, safety, smell. He usually tried to give Phil a fairly platonic amount of space, but he just- needed some closeness, whatever Phil was willing to give him.

“It’s okay, Bear,” Phil whispered into the crown of his head. “You don’t have to decide anything right now… but maybe you just need to change majors? You have options, I promise.”

Dan was quiet for a second as he considered this. “Maybe,” he rasped wetly, “I don’t know. But thank you.” He wiped his nose with the sleeve of his own jumper, fully aware that he was a mess but just not really caring anymore.

Phil’s hands found the skin of Dan’s forearms. “Of course, of course. Whenever you need me, I’m here. For anything. Because we’re best friends. Okay?” He said lightly, his tone contrasting with the way his hands were tenderly gripping Dan’s arms.

Dan shrugged. “I dunno. Never had one before,” he muttered pathetically.

Phil did the opposite of what he wants him to do, pulling back slightly to get a look at Dan’s face. “You do now. And we’re here for each other, for anything. Got it?” He said sternly, holding Dan’s chin to keep their gazes locked.

Shivering under his intense gaze, Dan nodded, and he can’t help it as his eyes slip down to stare at Phil’s lips. His heart was exhausted, he just wanted to- a little further-

He broke his gaze away roughly. Best friends. Phil wanted them to be best friends, and he would be a best friend. He would be anything for him.

Dan’s brought back to present day by Phil’s voice calling him from down the hall. “Dan? Are you coming, babe?” Phil tacks the pet name on for Hazel’s benefit, surely, but Dan still responds, quickly following the sound of his voice and finding them both standing at the door to their bedroom.

“Yeah, sorry, just felt a bit weird for a moment,” he puts on a smile, and although Hazel smiles and nods at him, Phil gives him a look.

“Are you okay?” The older man asks, bringing a hand up to Dan’s forehead in a comforting gesture, likely checking Dan’s temperature. Dan’s just about to answer before Phil steps forward, replacing his hand with his lips. Standing idly in surprise, Dan doesn’t really get a chance to process this before Phil is stepping away. “You don’t have a fever,” he frowns, glancing briefly at Hazel, who has taken to checking the room out. “Is something wrong?” Phil says quietly, trying to hide his question from Hazel no doubt.

Dan shakes his head at this, sighing. “No, I just… my head hurts,” it’s nearly a lie, until he realizes that a headache has indeed started forming in his temples, probably due to stress. He shrugs then, going to step past Phil. “It’s fine, I’ll take something after we’re done with this.”

Phil grips Dan’s wrist before he can walk by, making him pause. “Are you sure? You look a bit ill. Do you want to lie down while I finish up?” He asks, concern lacing his tone.

“No, honestly, I’m fine. It’s not going to be much longer anyway.” He catches Phil’s hand with his own as he lets go of his wrist, and Dan gently brushes his thumb over the back of Phil’s hand. “I’m fine, really.”

Phil nods, seeming uncertain but willing to believe him for the sake of finishing the home visit with Hazel.

Speaking of, she steps out as they finish their conversation. “I like the mirror in there, it’s very nice,” she compliments, and Dan smiles.

“Thanks. Phil hates it,” he teases easily before taking the lead and guiding her up the stairs.

“Do not,” Phil comments from behind Hazel as they climb up to the second floor.

“Yes, you do. You always say it’s a pain to clean,” Dan reminds him, turning to roll his eyes at Hazel.

Hazel laughs, but Phil only mumbles, “It’s because you never clean it.” Dan pretends he doesn’t hear this.

~~~

The rest of the home visit passes without a problem, and by the time Hazel leaves, Dan is nearly nauseous with the pain of his headache. It’s unusual for him, given Phil’s usually the one who gets migraines, not him.

“Do you want me to get you some tablets while you go lay down?” Phil asks after they’ve showed Hazel out. He surveys Dan’s face carefully as if he’s looking for any visible signs of illness.

Dan shakes his head, turning to the stairs. “It’s fine, I’ll go get it.” He grabs the banister as he takes a step up the stairs, feeling a little dizzy.

“Dan, come on. Go lay down,” Phil says gently, his hand coming up to press against Dan’s back. “Sometimes you need to let other people take care of you, alright?” His voice is soft, and Dan tries very hard to hold his ground, but his head hurts, and he’s exhausted, and he frankly doesn’t want to bother with climbing up all of the stairs to the bathroom where they keep the tablets.

“Okay, fine.” He gives in a little too easily but being taken care of actually sounds kind of nice right now, if he’s being honest. “Can you grab my laptop while you’re up there?” He asks, trying not to sound too demanding and whiny.

Phil nods, but has a disapproving look on his face. “You really don’t need to be on your computer with your headache, but I’ll grab it for you. Go lay down,” he orders, stepping past Dan to walk upstairs.

Dan rolls his eyes before retreating into their room, flopping down on the bed, exhausted. He shoves his shoes off and tugs off his jeans before slipping under the duvet, leaving his clothes in a heap on the floor. He was ill, he was allowed to be messy. Phil returns a few moments later with the medicine, a glass of water, and thankfully, Dan’s laptop.

“Thank you,” he sits up to take the tablets, downing half the water in one go before laying back down. He places his MacBook on his nightstand, really not in the mood to focus on anything. A nap sounds pretty excellent right about now, actually. He curls up, prepared to go to sleep, when he realizes Phil is gathering up the various clothes items around the floor, probably to put in the dirty laundry. “Sorry, you don’t have to do that,” he murmurs from his spot on the bed, peeking over the covers at the older man.

Phil glances at him, but shrugs. “It’s fine, I think some of these are mine anyway.” He moves to the door then and pauses before stepping out. “Need anything else?” His blue eyes are soft and inquisitive, and he watches Dan carefully as he thinks over his answer.

“No, not really. Are you… are you busy?” He asks, feeling childish for asking.

Tilting his head to the side, Phil only studies him for a quiet moment. “No, I’m not. Do you want me to come lay with you?” He doesn’t ask this with any judgement, just genuine curiosity in his tone. Dan almost blushes, but he does want that, and he’s ill, so he has an excuse to ask for something like that without feeling too guilty.

He nods then, looking up at Phil with hopeful eyes. “If that’s okay?”

Phil only smiles at him before nodding. “I’ll be right back, then.”

Dan smiles back a little, curling up under his duvet as he waits for Phil to return. It was perfectly fine to ask for platonic cuddles from your best friend, right? He could do this. This was fine, there weren’t any lines being crossed.

“Shove over, mate,” Phil says jokingly, and Dan startles, having not realized he was already back. He held his own laptop in one hand and a mug of tea in the other, and Dan dutifully shifted to give him more space. His eyes follow his movements as he slips under the covers, shifting to sit up a bit and opening his MacBook. Apparently feeling Dan’s gaze, he glances down. “Yes?” He asks questioningly, a teasing smile on his face.

He shakes his head. “Sorry,” he responds, shifting back over to press closer to his best friend. He watches Phil pull up his work email, and he stares at his long fingers as they scroll over the trackpad. Dan’s eyes hurt so he doesn’t bother looking at the screen, so focusing on the movement of Phil’s fingers is nice and calming for him.

The quiet of their room is calming, only broken every now and again by Phil’s typing or sipping some tea. At one point he catches Dan’s eyes on his mouth, red with heat and slick with moisture. “Here,” he says softly, nudging Dan to sit up while he hands him the steaming mug.

Too embarrassed about being caught out to actually protest, Dan props himself up and takes a sip of the tea, not meeting Phil’s gaze as he lays back down. “Thanks,” he murmurs.

“Mhm,” Phil places the cup back on the nightstand, his right hand going back to scrolling. His left falls to Dan’s hair, which he strokes gently.

Dan closes his eyes, enjoying the attention, and his mind drifts to the events of earlier in the day. Something occurs to him then, and he opens his eyes to glance up at Phil. “Do Martyn and Cornelia actually know about what we’re doing?” He asks, unable to curb his curiosity.

Phil glances down at him, and nods slowly. “Yeah. I talked to Martyn about it before I told Mum. I wanted his thoughts on telling her the truth.”

Dan nods at this, staring down at his hands. He wasn’t upset that Phil told them, really, he just felt a little weird knowing that they knew the truth. It was different telling their coworkers and friends, as it was easier for those people to believe it, but the fact that their close family knew about it was a little strange for him.

“Are you mad?” Phil says quietly, misinterpreting Dan’s silence.

Shaking his head, Dan shoots him a reassuring smile. “No, I’m not. Just a bit odd I guess.” He sighs then, hesitating before asking, “Do you want to invite them over for dinner sometimes? It’s been a while since I’ve seen them, and I don’t want them to think I’ve kidnapped you or something.”

Phil smiles at this suggestion, and nods. He loved spending time with his family more than anything, and he was probably relieved that Dan wanted to spend time with them as well. “Sure. I’ll call him tomorrow.”

Dan nods, laying back down. He glances to the edge of Phil’s screen and sees that it’s only seven, but he really does think he’d feel better after a nap. “Are you going to be mad if I take a nap instead of entertaining you?” He asks, suddenly unsure if he can even sleep with Phil pressed so close to him.

Rolling his eyes, Phil snorts. “Yes, Dan. I’m going to be so mad if you take a nap to feel better, because I’ll be without entertainment.” He studies Dan’s unimpressed look and returns it with his tongue out. “No, go to sleep. I can get some work done while you nap.”

At this, Dan nods and gets comfortable under the covers, situating himself in a way that allows Phil to rest is hand on his hair. Dan would never admit it, but he lived for the feeling of someone running their hands through his hair, and it was undeniably making him even sleepier. “Can we order pizza when I wake up?” He mumbles suddenly, remembering that they haven’t had dinner.

“Yeah, we can order some pizza, Dan,” Phil laughs from somewhere above him.

“Cool.”

And then the heavy hand on his head pulls him down into warm dreams.

~~~

They had been postponing the dinner for weeks. Initially, this had seemed ideal to Dan: the more time he had to get himself together, the better. However, after the first few days, his anxiety regarding it had skyrocketed, showing no sign of stopping. He had started taking home his work from school, pouring over student files, scholarship opportunities, and recent misdemeanor records.

This lasted for only a few days, before he found that he really didn’t have much else to take home. The majority of his tasks needed to be done at the school, where he had easy access to all his files and his school computer. When he realized this, he just turned to learning more about foster care, although Phil typically didn’t let him stay too invested in this after he got home, insisting that they watch tv together, or play video games. Dan was fine with this, too, as it also served as a distraction from his anxiety.

Another distraction came in the form of the foster care courses they had started attending a few nights a week, required in order to be cleared for fostering. Dan took the time they spent at the rec center to take a break from worrying about what Martyn and Cornelia, and the rest of Phil’s family, thought about the situation. He hated how much he stressed over it, but he couldn’t help feeling incredibly overwhelmed just thinking about how much their opinions mattered to Phil. So, his distractions were welcome.

“Dan, what are you doing?” Phil asks as he steps into the kitchen the night before Martyn and Cornelia are supposed to be coming over. Dan had several papers spread across the kitchen table, as well as his open laptop, and he was currently working on putting together a book of emergency procedures. It had been recommended that they keep a notebook of important numbers and information in the house in case something was to happen, leaving the kids to fend for themselves.

“Working on the emergency contact thing,” Dan responds, glancing over to watch Phil pulling two mugs out of the cupboard, turning their electric kettle on for tea.

“The what?” Phil laughs, looking over at him with a confused look on his face.

Dan wordlessly slides him the leaflet. He was pretty proud of it, if he was being honest. He had typed and printed out their contacts, as well as some close friends and family, and of course actually emergency numbers, just to be safe.

He also printed out a few sheets of emergency procedures, things like choking or fainting or even what to do in case of any minor scrapes or cuts. “They said we should put something like this together, you know, in case we have kids that are old enough to be by themselves for short periods but aren’t old enough to really know how to handle emergencies.” Dan shrugs, watching Phil carefully as he flips through the pages.

He has a surprised look on his face as he scans each page, his gaze flicking over to meet Dan’s more than once. “Dan, this is… This is really impressive. Wow.”

Dan flushes at the compliment, ducking his head slightly to hide it. “Er- thanks.” He tugs on the sleeves of his hoodie, as it was quite chilly for April, at least in their flat. “It’s not much, but I figured it was a step in the right direction. Do you think I’m missing anything?” He was pretty sure he’d covered all the bases, but if he hadn’t, then he definitely wanted to know what Phil thought he should add.

Instead of answering his question, a strange look flits across Phil’s face, and he gingerly sets the leaflet back down before turning to make their drinks. “Are you doing this to avoid me?” He asks suddenly, throwing Dan off-guard completely.

He doesn’t have a response for that. ‘Yes, and I was hoping you wouldn’t notice’ does not seem like an acceptable answer at this time. “Uh- no.”

“Are you sure? Because you haven’t spoken to me in two days and you’ve taken home so much work lately that you ran out. And even now, you won’t look at me.” Phil is pouring with alarming speed, water droplets bursting blindly upward from the teacups.

Dan doesn’t mean to be snippy, but something about Phil’s tone sets him off, and he can’t help but feel argumentative. “So- let me see if I understand- if I’m not following you around and constantly throwing attention at you, there’s a problem?” He snaps, trying to look Phil in the eye but finding lint on his shoulder and giving up. Dan cringes at himself, knowing he was only proving Phil right, but he had already gone too far. If he took it back now, he would only be conceding to Phil’s accusation, which just rubbed him the wrong way.

Naturally, Phil responds a little colder this time, but he keeps calm, as usual. “That’s not what I was implying, Dan.” He steps over to the table and sets one of the cups of tea beside Dan’s left hand, and Dan’s eyes can’t help but travel to the silver band that rests there as he glances at the cup.

Phil’s gaze is making his skin crawl all of a sudden. “Are you done? I need to finish this.” He doesn’t even try to look at him this time, instead turning his shaking gaze onto his computer, hands too tense to type.

There’s an intake of breath, but Phil says nothing as he steps around the table. He lifts his hand, and for one ridiculous moment Dan thinks Phil might hit him, but he simply takes Dan’s shoulder, squeezing lightly, inspecting Dan’s face. Unable to avoid his gaze any longer, Dan holds his breath and his nerve, lifting his chin defiantly. They’re so close that Dan could count Phil’s eyelashes if he wanted, but before he gets the chance, Phil exhales and steps back. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I’ll let you work.”

Although that’s exactly what Dan had wanted, his hands shake when he goes to type again, long after Phil’s footsteps have faded up the stairs. He closes the laptop, cupping his hands around the mug of steaming tea instead.

~~~

The next evening comes too quickly for Dan. He and Phil ignore each other during the in between hours but setting up for guests leaves little room for the silent treatment. Dan is steeling himself to break it, when Phil sneaks up behind him, bright-socked feet next to silent on the floor.

“Do you want me to clean while you start dinner?” There’s a glass of wine in his hand.

Dan’s mouth falls open, indignant. “You didn’t wait for Martyn and Cornelia?”

Phil has the good grace to look abashed, and maybe a little uncertain of Dan’s tone. “No, I- well-”

“And you didn’t even offer me any?” Dan asks, eyes swimming as he makes grabby hands for the glass. “We- we were friends, Philip.”

“I- you’re being ridiculous!” Phil says, and hands Dan his glass of wine in disgust. “Start dinner, you menace. You- you thief.”

Dan smirks, pleased, as he sips from the glass. “Thanks.”

“Watch your back, Howell. Payback’s a bitch.”

~~~

Phil exacts his wine-thefting revenge exactly an hour and three and a half glasses later. He swoops down like a deliciously tipsy Avenger, plucking the glass from Dan’s grasp as though he’s picking a dandelion.

He glares sternly at Dan’s sound of protest. “I’m really just rescuing you from yourself here.”

Dan babbles out a string of complaints, but Phil only shoots him a look before turning to his brother. “Wine?” He asks, holding up Dan’s glass.

Martyn shakes his head, pointing to his glass of water, a hint of a smirk on his face. “Driving, but thank you.”

“I’ll take his glass, then,” Cornelia jokes, winking at Dan when he frowns at her.

“Betrayal,” Dan says dryly. “Just plain rude.”

“Funny,” Phil remarks, “I didn’t think you wanted to drink yourself under the table, yet here we are.”

“What? I’m not!” He protests, although the fact that he can’t feel his teeth says different. “I can hold my wine!”

Martyn and Phil are looking at him with identical expressions of doubt. Cornelia isn’t even that far off. It’s probably a look that one learns when they marry a Lester.

“Yes, I’m convinced.” Cornelia snickers. “Dan, you may be a tall boy, but you have the worst tolerance here.”

“Well, we can’t be so sure about that. Evan’s not started drinking yet, and I’m pretty sure I could hold my own there.” He winks at the child, who grins, holding his smaller cup of water like it’s some sort of fine wine.

“Great, you could out-drink a five-year-old. Congratulations,” Phil nudges Dan’s shoulder with his own, a small smile on his face as he brings his wine up to his lips.

Cornelia finally pipes up with a different conversation. “How’s the foster process going?” She asks, clearly trying to ease the conversation into a safer zone.

Dan glances over at Phil, unsure if this was something he even wanted to discuss with them, especially over dinner. Apparently, it wasn’t something he was averse to, because he nods, indicating that Dan could answer. He clears his throat before speaking, suddenly feeling under scrutiny. “It’s great, actually. We’ve already had the first home visit, and we’ve been going to the training a few nights a week. I think we’ll be finished with that by week after next, right?” He glances at Phil, uncertain.

Phil nods, shifting in his seat. He somehow ends up slightly closer to Dan, who struggles not to scoot even closer. “Yeah, I think we’re pretty much set. We’ve got a couple more home visits and a panel meeting, and then we should hear something back.” His gaze shifts to Dan then, and he shoots him a small smile.

“That’s great! I think it’s really amazing, what you guys are doing.” Cornelia smiles at them, a soft look on her face. Dan can’t help but return it, even if he hasn’t completely gotten over his initial worry about telling them everything.

“Yeah, it is. I’m really proud of you guys,” Martyn adds, studying Phil for a moment before his gaze shifts to Dan. He smiles at him and nods as if to reaffirm his statement.

“Thanks. I’m just relieved that Phil actually agreed to do it. Be a bit awkward if he hadn’t,” Dan jokes, bumping Phil’s shoulder as he speaks. Phil grins at him, shoving him back lightly.

“I mean, obviously I agreed. You don’t have any other friends, Dan, I was your last hope.” Phil shares a look with Cornelia and Martyn, and all of them laugh.

Dan rolls his eyes, feeling bold. “Actually, you were my first choice. If you’d said no I guess I would’ve asked Charlie.” He’s lying, of course. About Charlie, at least; Phil was Dan’s first and only choice when all this happened.

Martyn glances sideways at Cornelia, a strange look on his face before he turns to smirk at Dan. “We get it, you two are best friends and soulmates and whatever. Can we please talk about something less disgusting than your perfect relationship?” He drawls, his voice full of teasing. Phil glares at him, but Dan shrugs, unbothered.

“Definitely. How have you all been doing? Cornelia, have you written any new music?” Dan asks conversationally, moving onto something he knew they could all talk about.

Cornelia beams. As she tells Dan all about the latest EP she’s been working on, he listens intently, nodding along and commenting here and there. Martyn and Phil begin talking about something to do with Phil’s job, and Evan is in his own little world at the end of the table, playing with his dinosaur nuggets. The rest of the dinner continues much in that fashion, with family gossip and conversations about work coming easy to all of them, since they’d known each other for so long. Dan finds himself smiling more often than not, and he catches Phil’s gaze several times, pleased to see that he looks just as content.

It’s not until later, after Dan and Cornelia have moved to the lounge upstairs with Evan while Martyn and Phil stay back to clean the kitchen, that something goes wrong. Dan had just finished what was probably his fourth or fifth glass of wine, so like the good host he is, he offers to get Cornelia a refill as he goes to get his own. He takes their glasses towards the kitchen, his mind still focused on the conversation they had been having about Evan’s school. His thoughts are so tangled up in that he doesn’t realize he can hear low, annoyed whispers until he gets to the hallway by the kitchen.

He really doesn’t intend to eavesdrop, honestly, he doesn’t, but he can’t help it. He stumbles to a stop, leaning forward just enough to hear what’s being said.

“It is true, Phil. You told me, all the way back when you met-“ Martyn’s voice is low and full of what Dan assumes is disappointment.

Phil interrupts him then, his voice quiet and rushed. “That was a long time ago!”

“I still don’t see what your deal is, honestly, Phil. Is this seriously a good idea?”

Dan’s heart sinks as he realizes there’s a huge chance that they’re talking about the fostering situation.

“Yes! Of course.” Phil’s response is immediate.

Martyn sighs, and Dan imagines he’s got his hand on Phil’s shoulder in that reassuring, older brother way of his. “I’m just saying, mate. You’re living together. What the hell is even the point of waiting?”

Dan’s eyebrows furrow and it takes all his willpower not to step into the room then. “Because, I’ve told you, Martyn. We aren’t like that.” Phil sounds almost despondent.

“Oh, really? You’re signing up to be a parent with him, Phil. That’s not a game. And you’re just saying you don’t care for him?” Martyn’s voice is full of incredulity, as if he’s talking to some moron instead of his brother.

He strains to hear Phil’s response, nearly dropping one of the glasses in his hand as he struggles to stay perfectly still, his palms sweating with the effort. “Of course, that’s not what I’m saying. He’s my best friend.” Dan’s throat tightens.

“But- Phil, I don’t understand. It’s so obvious that-” Martyn sounds downright close to begging, but Phil cuts him off.

“Drop it, Martyn! And don’t breathe a word of this to Dan; just- don’t. You’re not helping, okay?”

Dan feels hurt by that, but of course, he can’t act as if he’s heard it. Martyn must nod or something, because they both go silent, and then he hears the sound of the faucet being turned on. Shaking himself and fixing a smile on his face, Dan takes three steps away from the kitchen and pauses before walking in, as if he hadn’t just been stood eavesdropping. He hums to himself as he walks in, and he doesn’t miss the way Phil jumps at his entrance.

“More wine, sir!” he proclaims dramatically, curtsying. Phil studies him for a moment before grinning.

“Are you sure you need more wine?” He asks, raising his eyebrows. That look again.

Dan’s fully aware of Martyn’s gaze on them, but he ignores it in favor of shooting Phil a bored look. “I’m twenty-seven and it’s a Friday night, kind sir. Might I implore that a man will allow me some wine in these trying times?”

The older man just sighs before refilling the glasses. “I’m cutting you off after this one,” he warns, screwing the lid back on firmly and placing it back in the cupboard.

Raising one eyebrow, Dan leans his hip against the counter, sipping his wine as he surveys Phil. “Yeah? I’ve got liquor in more places than one, Philly.” Sparing a glance over at Martyn, who almost looks pained by their interaction, Dan steps forward and pats Phil’s cheek, trailing his hand up to brush a wisp of hair back into Phil’s quiff. “Good luck hiding all of it from me, though.” He tosses a wave over his shoulder before spinning around and leaving the kitchen, his blood boiling. He wasn’t sure if he was mad because they’d been talking about him behind his back, or if it was because he wasn’t sure exactly what the exact context of the conversation was.

Either way, he wipes away his aggravation long enough to go upstairs and entertain Cornelia and Evan until they’re joined by Martyn and Phil. They bring out the board games, and Dan continues to help himself to their quickly draining wine bottle.

The rest of the evening continues in a similar fashion, Dan and Phil teaming up to go against Cornelia and Martyn in a few board games while Evan entertained himself with the PlayStation. Dan kept a steady stream of alcohol flowing into his system, much to the chagrin of Phil, who he could tell was practically seething by the time Martyn and Cornelia were saying their goodbyes.

Cornelia was slightly tipsier than Dan, as she was also a bit of a lightweight, so when she hugged him goodbye, she practically threw herself into his arms. “Bye, Danny,” she sighs into his ear, kissing his cheek. She doesn’t let go of him right away, and instead lowers her voice. “I’m so glad you’re really going to be a part of the family, officially. We’ve been waiting years.” When she leans away, she has a wide, drunken smile on her face, and even though Dan’s not much better off, he shoots a confused smile her way.

“Alright, Cor,” he says gently through a laugh as he pulls away. “I’ll see you soon, okay? We need to do this more often.” She nods along to this before going to take Evan by the hand. Martyn gives them one last wave before ushering his wife and son out of the building, leaving Dan and Phil alone.

Dan fully expects it, but he’s still a little annoyed when Phil turns to face him, a look of irritation in his eyes. “What the hell was that?” He demands immediately after the door has shut, crossing his arms over his chest.

Childishly, Dan mimics his posture, his movements slow and awkward through the haze of alcohol. “What?” He says mockingly.

Phil stares at him for a moment, searching Dan’s face. When he can’t seem to decipher Dan’s mood, he throws his hands up. “I honestly don’t know what the hell your problem is this time, Dan. You were fine earlier, we were fine earlier. What changed?” He asks, running a hand over his face in what Dan assumes is exhaustion.

Dan would feel bad, especially knowing that he’s the one who caused it, but as it is, he’s kind of a petulant child when he’s been drinking, and his reaction isn’t what it would be if he were in his right mind. “I’m a fucking adult, I can drink if I want. I don’t need you fucking nagging me. We aren’t actually together, you know,” he hisses.

“You’re absolutely right, Dan. We’re not. I’m not fucking responsible for you. So, you know what? Do what you want, drink however much you like.” He sounds very finalized about this, and Dan can’t help the slight panic that flares up when Phil turns and walks into their bedroom without a second look at him.

Unsure of what else to do, Dan follows him, a frown etched onto his face when he sees Phil pulling out a hoodie from their closet. He tugs it on over the t-shirt he had been wearing, and Dan watches in confused silence. When Phil goes to tug his shoes on, a new bout of panic sets in and Dan quickly steps towards him. Phil shoots him a glare, but Dan ignores this, bringing his hand up to grip the older man’s sleeve.

“Where are you going?” he whispers, his heart clenching as he wonders if he had really fucked up this time.

“Out,” Phil snaps, brushing Dan’s hand off him. Dan takes a step back, hurt. Phil never acted like this, not to him.

Dan can only watch helplessly as Phil moves to grab his phone off the charger, and his wallet. He tugs the ring off his finger and exchanges it for his keys that are resting on the nightstand. Dan feels nauseous as he stares at the silver band. Only after he’s got his key in his hand does he turn to face Dan. There’s a conflicted look on his face for a moment, but it’s quickly replaced by his set jaw, indicating that he really is pissed off. “I’ll be back later.” He moves to leave their bedroom then, and like a lost puppy, Dan trails after him, reaching out to grab his sleeve.

“Wait-“ he begins, unsure of what he even wants to stay. Phil again pulls away from his grip, although much gentler this time. When he glances over his shoulder at Dan, he’s left a little speechless, honestly lost as to how their night went so bad so quickly. Some part of his brain tries to provide him with a memory, something to do with Martyn and Phil, but his alcohol-addled brain rejects it in favor of pleading. “Please don’t leave,” his voice sounds small, and it’s not until he says it aloud that he realizes that his voice sounds wet, as if he’s about to start crying.

Phil faces him, a frown on his face. They’re stood beside the door now, and Phil looks exhausted, and Dan feels a pit in his stomach that he knows is guilt for causing all this, but he can’t look away from the disappointed gaze of Phil’s blue eyes. Dan barely realizes it when the first tear rolls down his cheek, but when he feels it, it’s followed by several more. He brings up the sleeve of his jumper to wipe them away, and at the action he notices a soft, pained look cross Phil’s face.

Dan’s almost positive that Phil is going to stay. When he raises his hand up as if he’s going to wipe away some of the tears, Dan is certain he’s about to say that they can just forget about the whole thing and go to sleep. He’s surprised when instead, Phil drops his hand, his expression going blank before he steps away. Dan’s heart clenches tightly, and if he wasn’t already crying, he definitely would be now.

“I’m sorry” Dan whispers, his breath catching. “I fucking- fucked it. I fucked it all up.”

“Go to bed,” Phil says quietly, averting his eyes before stepping out the door, closing it gently behind him, leaving Dan on his own in complete silence.

Staring at the door, Dan can only sit and wonder when exactly in the evening he had decided that drinking would solve any of his anxieties or problems, as he now feels about ninety percent worse about all of them. He trudges to his and Phil’s room and cries into Phil’s pillow for another moment, before guilt overwhelms him and he doesn’t feel he deserves to even be in their room. He takes Phil’s pillow back down to the door with him, sits down in the unlit hall, and falls asleep with his head in his arms.

~~~

An unknown amount of time passes between Dan drifting off to sleep and him waking up to the sound of the front door being unlocked. His eyelids feel heavier than usual, so it takes some effort to peel his eyes open and find the source of the disruption. When Phil steps on him though, Dan stirs, immediately wide awake.

Phil screams softly. Even mid-scream, he is mindful of the fact that it’s the middle of the night and the apartment walls are thin. Dan respects that in a man, but barely has any time to reflect on this as Phil tumbles to the floor, all knees and elbows and other sharp corners.

Dan does his best to cushion his fall with his hands, but to little effect. The sound falls just short of a BOOM, but the apartment still shakes.

When Dan’s eyes find Phil’s face, he almost laughs at the expression on Phil’s face: confused, bewildered, eyes wide, brows down, mouth slack. “Hey,” Phil says softly.

“Hi,” Dan croaks back, realizing the very breath has been forcefully evacuated from his lungs. He swallows hard, vaguely aware of the horrible taste in his mouth at the action.

“Why’re you here?” Phil grumbles out a moment later, beginning to right himself

Dan glances down at them, collapsed on the floor of their apartment. “I live here,” he mumbles.

There’s a huff and a flurry of limbs, and then Phil finds the floor with surety this time. “That’s not what I meant, Dan.” He crouches down, their eyes meeting instantly. “Why are you curled up in the hallway?”

Shrugging, Dan digs his fingers into the pillow in his lap. “Waiting for you.”

“I’m here,” Phil deadpans.

Dan nods.

With a sigh, Phil stands, holding a hand out for Dan. “Come on. You need to go sleep it off.”

Phil tugs him off the floor, guiding him to their bedroom with a hand on the small of his back. He deposits Dan on his side of the bed before retreating to the dresser, digging through his pajama drawer as Dan watches. It dawns on him, as Phil strips off his shirt, that it’s a bit creepy to watch, and he moves to lay down, tugging the duvet over himself blindly.

After Phil is dressed, he settles onto the mattress beside Dan. Unable to help himself, Dan brings a hand up to gently trace Phil’s pinky with his own, avoiding eye contact. “I’m sorry, Phil,” He whispers, his voice breaking embarrassingly. “I know I shouldn’t have said what I did, and I didn’t even mean it.”

It’s quiet for a moment before Phil pulls his hand away. “Okay,” He says quietly, staring up at the ceiling.

Dan waits, but when he doesn’t say anything else, he shifts forward a bit. “Are you... I’m sorry I made you upset.” He chews his lip as he struggles to think of some way to fix everything.

“You said that.” Phil responds tiredly, his eyes closing.

At a loss, Dan reaches over and places his hand on Phil’s wrist. The older man cracks one eye open to gaze at him, his expression otherwise stoic. “Please,” He breathes, his chest aching. “Tell me what to do to fix it. Please.”

Phil stares at him for a long, excruciating moment before he suddenly rolls over, facing the opposite way. “Go to sleep, Daniel.”

~~~

Dan really does try to sleep, honestly, he does, but it’s made very clear after only a half hour that he won’t be sleeping anytime soon. His stomach is churning, and he can’t help but shift around on the bed, breathing raggedly as he tries to sleep through the nausea.

He thinks he’s doing an alright job of pretending to be asleep, but at some point, a harsh whisper cuts through the dizziness.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Dan shakes his head, squeezing his eyes closed when the motion just makes him dizzier and more nauseous. “I don’t feel well,” he whispers, turning his face into his pillow.

Phil sits up in alarm, a concerned look on his face. “Well, obviously, you drank enough to kill someone.” He sounds almost bitter, and Dan feels a fresh wave of guilt wash over him. “Do you need to go to the bathroom?” Phil asks tentatively, his attitude shifting once he realizes how sick Dan really is.

Considering he felt he was about to puke on their sheets, his answer was a yes, but rather than vocalizing this, Dan only nods before shifting and stumbling off the bed. He clutches a hand over his mouth as his stomach lurches, but he makes it to the toilet just in time. A few minutes and a burning throat later he is resting his forehead on the toilet seat, feeling just as shit as before, only now the smell of vomit is overwhelming his senses.

He doesn’t realize he’s not alone until he feels a hand graze his back, then the feeling of a cool cloth pressing to his forehead. His eyes open tiredly, shifting to look at Phil, who has a small frown on his lips. “Feel better?” He whispers, his blue eyes scanning Dan’s face as he gently pats the cold flannel over his cheeks.

Dan nods untruthfully, slumping forward. “Mhm.”

“Okay. Do you need water? Or drugs?” Phil leans back on his heels, watching Dan with a pitying expression.

“Um... water?” Dan croaks, clearing his throat with a cringe. This wasn’t the first time Phil had seen him sick by any means but that doesn’t mean he had to enjoy him witnessing it yet again.

“Sure.” Phil stands and looks as if he’s about to help Dan stand, but his stomach lurches again and he’s back to where he was, puking into the porcelain bowl yet again. Phil’s hands come up to brush through his hair, flattening his curls back away from his forehead. He murmurs soothingly for several moments before Dan decides he’s done, and then flushes it away, much to Dan’s relief.

“Sorry,” He whispers, bringing a hand up to wipe at his mouth. “You can go back to bed if you want, I’ll just go to the lounge.” There were very few things Dan liked less than sleeping on his own in the lounge, but he’d do it if it meant he wouldn’t have to worry about keeping Phil up.

The older man rolls his eyes before standing. “Sure, because if you’re in a different room I’ll just magically stop worrying about you. Right.” He quirks an eyebrow at Dan as if to get his point across, but Dan only shrugs weakly. “Come on, let’s get you back in bed.”

Slightly embarrassed that he nearly trips as he stands, Dan grips Phil’s arm and allows him to lead the way back to the bed, flopping down on it the second he’s close enough. “Thanks,” Dan breathes, closing his eyes as he tries to stay still and let the room stop spinning.

“I’ll be right back with some water,” Phil says over his shoulder as he makes his way out of their room.

Dan waits there quietly, staring up at the ceiling. He really hated that he was the type of person who caused all this trouble when he was sad and drunk, but he was and there was very little he could do about it now. Some part of him reminds him that the whole reason he was upset in the first place was because of the conversation he’d overheard between Phil and his brother, but somehow even that didn’t make him feel much better about the reaction he’d had. Regardless of whether or not what he’d heard hurt his feelings, he shouldn’t have reacted like that.

“Here,” Phil’s voice interrupts his thoughts as he returns with a glass of water, something else clutched in his left hand.

Dan sits up slowly and takes the water, taking a large sip. He eyes Phil’s other hand warily, wondering what exactly he has. Dan’s assuming it’s medicine, which he hates. “What’s that?” He asks, nodding to Phil’s closed hand with a frown on his face.

Phil sighs before sitting down on the bed beside him, holding his hand out, palm up. Two tablets rest there, and Dan recognizes them but groans. “Paracetamol. You have to take them, Dan. You’ll feel better if you do.”

“But, I don’t wanna take the hell-drug,” Dan complains, quite childishly.

Rolling his eyes, Phil takes the water from him, replacing it with the tablets. “Quit being a baby and take them.” He watches him carefully, his blue eyes intense on Dan’s face as he makes sure that he’s actually swallowed the pills before handing him the water to help them go down. “There. Wasn’t so hard, was it?” He asks, his tone full of false brightness.

Dan pouts as he lays down, shooting him a look. “Yeah it was,” he argues, pulling the duvet up as he rolls over to face Phil. They sit in silence for a few moments while Phil takes the glass and puts it on the nightstand and then he lays down as well, mirroring Dan’s stance. “Thanks for taking care of me,” Dan whispers, his voice coming out small.

Phil nods, lifting a hand to brush Dan’s hair back. The brunette closes his eyes, breathing through his nose as he stays still, as if moving will destroy this moment entirely. “Are you okay?” Phil asks softly.

His eyes flickering open at the sound of his voice, Dan nods slowly. “Yeah, I feel better.”

The older man bites his lip but shakes his head. “That’s… that’s not quite what I meant, Dan.” When Dan only offers him a confused frown, Phil sighs, pulling his hand away. “I meant, like, are you okay… after whatever set you off earlier? I know you don’t just get drunk for fun. So…” Dan’s heart clenches as Phil tilts his head, looking at him with a sad smile.

It’s quiet for a moment in the room before Dan finally shrugs. He wasn’t going to admit to hearing their conversation. He hated himself for eavesdropping, and now that he really thinks about it, being upset is exactly what he deserved. You don’t eavesdrop on someone and get upset when you hear something you don’t like; that was ridiculous. So, he guessed that in a way, his punishment for doing it in the first place was being privy to a conversation he didn’t quite understand, but one that allowed him to draw upsetting conclusions nonetheless.

“I was upset about something,” Dan says lamely, staring down at his nails, avoiding Phil’s gaze.

“Yeah?” Phil prompts gently.

Dan glances over at him once, nodding. “It’s late, I shouldn’t keep you up,” he murmurs lamely.

Phil sighs, rolling over onto his back to stare at the ceiling. He looks older all of a sudden, and Dan’s a little surprised when he notices how much Phil actually looks his age for once. Not exactly in a bad way, but he just looks… tired, mostly. And a little stressed. Dan’s throat tightens, knowing that it’s because of him.

“Obviously you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Phil’s murmuring, Dan almost missing it due to his own inner monologue. “But I’m still your best friend above anything else. All this other stuff aside… You can talk to me, Dan.”

There’s a short silence before Dan nods. “I know.”

The sound of their quiet breathing feels the air for a few moments before Phil sighs, rolling away so that his back is to Dan. “Night, Dan.” His voice is quiet and resigned, and Dan hates that.

“Night, Phil,” he replies around the lump in his throat, struggling not to cry like he so wants to.

#phan #phanfiction #foster parent #parent!phan #foster parent au #fluff #angst #bbc producer!phil #school counselor!dan #friends to lovers #bed sharing #fake relationship #i swear the children are going to show up eventually i promise im not parent!phan baiting on purpose

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thatwriter-leahlolita · 4 years

Text

Surely not?!

Summary: Avid fans of Dan and Phil have always dreampt of meeting their favourite YouTubers in person. Only a rare few get the opportunity. Never before though, has one (You, the reader) managed to bump into them repetitively.. as if it was fate?

Ship: Dan and Phil

-----------------------

Lately, you've felt tired. But of course that could easily be explained by the number of hours you've spent leaning over a maths textbook in confusion. Not only was it completely impossible to figure out what 'x' was, but in all honesty you couldn't care less. Your teacher is an ass and he has never helped you actually learn anything important in all the years of education you've had to face with him. It's all pointless, all of it!

Deciding this was a great time to attempt escape from another existential crisis, you clumber your legs out from under the kitchen table and stretch. In the living room, you could hear the sound of the television playing "Housewives of Somewhere Expensive". Deciding to save yourself from the horrific scenes that lied before you, should you dare to enter, you walk over to the fridge to grab some milk and make yourself a coffee. It's 6pm, but honestly any form of energy is highly welcomed at this point.

Unfortunately for you, there was no milk. You turn to the coffee pot to see, no coffee.

"Kannst Du Nitch~" You grumble softly under your breath. "Mum/Dad! There's no coffee or milk left!"

Your Mum/Dad, busy wasting their time watching crappy daytime television, yelled back, "Well go to the shop then, you've got legs!"

Grumbling, you stomp over to your Dan Howell Sad Boi hoodie and black converse shoes, and then make your way to the shops.

***

Dan was tired, and grumpy. He hated 6pm because it's always the time he looses energy and wants a nap. But clearly 6pm is too early for bed and too late to nap. His compromise is coffee.

"Where you going Dan?" Phil wined, turning away from the TV to look at him. "You promised you'd watch this with me."

"I will, but first: coffee." Dan waves his hand nonchalantly back at Phil as he makes his way to the kitchen. "Phil!"

Phil tuts, pausing his show. "Yes?"

"Where's the coffee?" Dan replied.

"Oh... yeah, about that..." Phil winced. "I finished it earlier and kind of forgot to get more."

"Well that's just great!" Dan sighed, now facing Phil as he stands in the door frame of the living room. "Come on then!"

"Come on what?" Phil whined.

"You can't expect me to go get coffee alone can you? This is your own doing Lester!" Dan demanded, chucking Phil his coat.

"Fine." He replied. "But we are finishing this episode when we get back!"

***

The shop was quiet, most people at home eating their dinner or watching TV together. The only noise that filmed the building was the beeping of scanners and rustling of shopping trolleys as people wheel them around the store.

(Y/N) was stood at the coffee isle, staring meekly at the coffee's in slight confusion. They was not usually much of a coffee drinker, at least not making it themselves at home. There is a LOT more range then they could have ever imagined... If it was up to (Y/N) they would pick any random one, but their Mum/Dad was a stickler for coffee and would grumble if they picked the wrong one.

A few more moments past, staring at the coffee types, before a strangely familar voiced peaked their attention.

"Listen Phil, I've told you this once and I'll tell you again, Svens Universe is not more of a priority than coffee. Yes, it's a tough choice but honestly, coffee will always win."

Could that be- No... surely not?!

The men themselves, Dan Howell and Phil Lester walk towards the coffee aisle in haste. (Y/N) had absolutely no idea what to do. Should they move to another aisle, smile and continue shopping? They were way too anxious to actually acknowledge them.

When they arrived at the coffee, (Y/N)'s heart stopped. They stared at the coffee for a moment, before Dan leaned over (Y/N) to grab a coffee from a higher shelf that (Y/N) could never possibly reach.

"Dan! You just leant right above that person!" Phil gasped, turning to you in haste. "I'm sorry about that, you see Dan here will probably murder someone for coffee if needed!"

You turn your head up to face Phil, who stood taller than you by a long shot. You then looked over towards Dan, who huffed at Phil, cradling his instant coffee.

Eventually, realising the situation in front of you, you manage a reply: "It's o-okay. I've been here a while struggling myself!" You laugh meekly.

Dan peaked interest in that moment, "Why's that? Need help grabbing something?"

You blush softly, "Well, no, not exactly. You see I have no idea which coffee to get.." you realise this is a wierd conversation to have with strangers, eventhough they surprisingly don't feel like strangers to you. "Nevermind."

"Oh well if that's the case, " Dan smiled. "Here you go!" He passes you the Starsucks brand coffee he's been cradling, and then grabs himself another from the shelf. "This is by far the greatest coffee I've ever had from here."

Phil retorted, "But of course that's his opinion, you don't have to get that one."

"No, I- Thankyou. That's a great help." You smiled, placing the coffe in your basket beside the fresh oat milk.

Dan stuck his tongue out at Phil, "They want it see, I'm always right!"

"Shut up Howell."

"Watch your tongue, Lester!" He retorts.

Standing in bewilderment, you stare at the clearly apparent lovers flirting with eachother right in front of your eyes. Eventually, Phil turns to you again and realises his placement right now.

"Sorry about him," He smiles. "He's cranky when he doesnt get his coffee. Hope you like yours though."

Dan agreed, "Yeah, bye~". Then he hurried over to the self serve counter to pay.

You stood their a few minutes longer, shocked by what just happened in front of you, before heading home to finally have your much delayed coffee break. The least that experience has taught you, is that Dan Howell has amazing taste in coffee.

***

A few days later, you decide since the new "Animal Crusing" has come out, you would go to the game store to pick it up. You would usually just order it online for preorder and anxiously wait for the delivery day to arrive. But in almost some kind of introverted people hate crime, they released the preorder for store pick ups only!

Arriving at the store, you see a long que. "Well, here we go." You grumble, falling into line in the que quietly. This is why it's better to stay at home, cosy and warm, and wait for the delivery man to deliver the goods.

When suddenly, a voice moaned in the distance. "See! Look at that que! Store pick up only, I mean, the makers of "Animal Crusing" must hate us. And why did we choose "GAMING" of all places to pick it up! This place is always busy."

"Phil honestly you always complain about stuff like this, would it kill you to que for a bit for a lifetime of fun?" Dan replied.

"Lifetime my butt!" Phil retorted. "I give it a few months before you loose interest."

"Absolutely no faith." Dan gasped fakingly, bringing a hand to his chest.

Again? How is this even possible?? You wonder, anxiously staring at the two famous YouTubers walking towards you for the second time this week.

They eventually join next in the que behind you, and you barely keep yourself calm as you feel the heat rising up your body. It's like an itch you can't scratch, knowing they are behind you watching your every move. It is scary, to say the least.

"This better go quick." Phil mumbled, kicking a stone on the floor with his shoe.

The stone rolled quickly across the floor and slammed abruptly against the back of your leg. It was small, so you barely felt it. But the awkwardness of the whole situation just took a much more dramatic turn.

"Oh my God!" Phil squeaked. Tapping your shoulder lightly.

You have no choice, he wants your attention. So you turn slowly and act innocent, listening to Phil grovel about how sorry he is for doing something stupid.

Then Dan spoke up, "Wait, aren't you coffee dude from the other day? When we went to get coffee from Bainsburies?"

"Oh, yeah. That's me." You smiled softly, hoping your eyes didn't give away how obvious it was that you knew WHO they were and that you was intensely aware that you saw them 3 days, 4 hours and 27 minutes ago in the coffee aisle in Bainsburies.

"Small world, huh?" Phil smiles. "Sorry again, though. I didn't mean to hit you."

"It's fine, I barely felt it anyways."

"So, you know what they say," Dan interupts, "Once a stranger, twice a friend."

"What now?" Phil quizzes confusingly. "I've never heard someone say that, ever."

Dan shoves Phil slightly, just enough to make him loose his balance slightly. "Anyway... I'm Dan, that loser on my left is Phil. Can I ask your name?"

"(Y/N). Nice to meet you both." You blush, realising that one way or another, Dan freaking Howell just called you his friend.

"You too!" Phil beams, pushing Dan back in revenge. "So you like Animal Crusing?"

"Yeah! I loved the mobile app version, but I've never played it on a real console yet so I'm super excited."

For as long as the que took to shorten, you three talked. About a lot of things. Boredom and a long que made you all relatively good friends by the end of it. And as a nice bonus, you all got the new Animal Crusing game. You was ecstatic. But this was now the end, you had to go home eventually.

But before you left, "Hey guys."

Dan and Phil turn to you, replying "Yeah?" in unison.

You gulp, breath in and out, and then said: "I have a confession." You continue, "I kind of know you guys already a little, as in I am a bit of a fan of your YouTube channels, yanoo."

They sigh, looking slightly releaved. Phil slapped your arm softly and smiled. "You scared us! I thought you was going to tell us that you were secretly stalking us for months or something!" Then he looked nervous, "Wait, you wasn't, was you?"

You laugh. "Of course not! But is that okay, me being your fan and all that?"

Dan smiled at you again and swished your hair out of place. "Of course its fine (Y/N). It was kind of obvious, you WAS literally wearing my merch when we met at Bainsburies the other day, and you seem genuinely kind. Why wouldn't we want a friend like that?"

".. Oh yeah." You laugh.

Your smile couldn't have reached further then that day. You exchanged contact with them, had one final chat, and then headed home.

------------------------

Thankyou all for reading. Hope you enjoy. If you have any requests I'm open to them!

#dan howell #daniel howell #phanfiction #phan #amazingphil #phil lester #reader #x reader #she #him #them #AU #cute #fanfic #fanfiction #writing

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timelock97 · 5 years

Text

Time Never Stops

Chapter Fourteen: Little He or Little She

Word Count: 1638

Prologue Ch 1 Ch 2 Ch 3 Ch 4 Ch 5 Ch 6 Ch 7 Ch 8 Ch 9 Ch 10 Ch 11 Ch 12 Ch 13

Warning: FLUFF

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I move to look at myself in the mirror and smile at my reflection. The material of the light blue dress hugs my body perfectly, showing off the little bump. A pink ribbon is placed just above it tied in a bow. I turn to the side and smile at the bump, placing my hand on top of it as I admire the life growing inside.

"Love, are you ready for the party?" Tom walks in the room, dressed in a pair of khakis and a blush pink button up. "You look amazing, baby girl."

"You look pretty good yourself, handsome." I smile as he comes up and wrap his arms around me, pulling me toward him to place a chaste kiss to my lips.

"Our Mums shooed me upstairs to get you. Told me I had to get my pretty girl and bring her downstairs."

"Can't start the party without the guest of honor." I giggle, wrapping an arm around his neck and place one of his hands on my stomach before I pull him back into a kiss.

"No, we can't," he chuckles against my lips, pulling away to kiss my forehead. "Ready to head downstairs?"

"How does it look, before we head down?"

"They did a wonderful job. Izzy, Haley, and Mia took charge once they got here, Haz decided it was for the best." Tom chuckles, tugging me toward the door to the party below. I smile at the pink and blue streamers that were hung from the ceiling as we make our way into the living room. Tom leads me into the kitchen, where I am quickly hugged by Haley who tightens her grip on me and sways us from side to side.

"I miss you, why did you leave?" She whines playfully. I pull away from her, only for her to squeal and look at me with bright eyes, "Look at that bump! Do you have a prediction of what it is?"

"I do not, what's the popular vote?" I tease as my mom and Tom's mum come in from outside.

"Darling, you look amazing!" Nikki muses, walking over and pulling me into a hug, pressing a quick kiss to my cheek.

"Thank you, Nikki." I whisper, reaching for my mother next who hugs me tightly.

"Look at my little girl, you look beautiful." My mother coos, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear.

"You two should head outside and greet guests, we have to make sure the food is done." Nikki laughs, shooing us from the kitchen and out the back door. I smile at the fairy lights decorating along the top of the space, picnic tables dot the yard, and a photo area is attached to the right side of the fence with an abundance of baby related props. Both family and friends mingle about the yard.

"Looks like they did a good job." I smile as I lean into Tom's side, his nose grazing my temple.

"They really did, it's simple and that was all that we wanted." Tom smiles, pressing a kiss to my temple, pulling away as people walk over to greet us. I smile and pull family and friends into hugs and ask the usual 'how are you?' 'what have you been up to?' 'how was your flight?' After a few minutes I find Izzy and Logan, pulling them both into a hug.

"God, I have missed you two. How is everything? How was tour?" I ask as I pull away.

"Tour was amazing! Everyone is beyond excited for the next book, which should be out in about three months since I had already started months ago." Izzy laughs, running a hand over her arm.

"Well, this is the reason why I said to release two then do tour!" I laugh back, smiling at her proudly.

"We are, that's the plan for the next tour." Logan says, snaking an arm around his girlfriend's waist.

A pair of arms wrap around my waist making me laugh. "Did you think you could get away from me without saying hello?"

"No, Mia, you just looked busy talking with Haz I didn't want to interrupt you." I tease with a wink. Tom and I had been trying to set the two of them up, but since she was still in (Y/S) and he was here in London we didn't push the subject too hard.

"Well, he was talking to me about being in need of a roommate since Tom moved out and offered me to move in when I come out for when I study abroad in January."

"Really?" I giggle, glancing over to see Haz and Tom talking, Tom high-fiving him while Haz blushes. "Well, he is definitely a fun roommate to have, polite, loves to cook-"

"Trying to still set me up?" She teases with a raised eyebrow, "Because he has already asked me on a date."

"Damn, you weren't kidding when you said that Harrison and Mia would fit so well together," Izzy laughs.

"What can I say, we all saw it coming." I laugh, seeing that Sean, who was talking to Harry, had arrived as well as Dan and Phil. "I have to go finish greeting people, but thank you guys for today."

"It's going to be a great day." Izzy states, the three giving me a wave as I walk off to go give Sean a hug.

"There she is!" Sean says with a laugh, being careful when he pulls me into a hug. "How are you?"

"Better than I was about two months ago, little love made me sicker than a dog." I laugh half-heartedly. "I am so glad you could make it."

"Me too," he hums letting me go to take a look at me. "Look at this house!"

"I know! We really haven't done much setting up since we have plenty of time til they are here."

"That's fair. What are you going to do about videos?" Sean asks, folding his arms across his chest.

"Actually, I hired an editor that Robin recommended a week ago-"

"So you did call Alexis!" He says excitedly.

"Yup, I'm really starting to get pregnancy brain so editing doesn't go well. Can't really focus for too long, plus the further I get the worse it will be I guess, so I'd rather have someone else do it so I can focus on other things."

"That's fair, well everyone is excited to know whether what our gaming buddy is, who is going to join us the next time your in town."

"If I remember correctly the next time I'll be in town will be the charity live-stream in December. Tom is tagging along, I hope that is okay." I raise an eyebrow making him laugh.

"No," he teases back, "it's not okay. Yeah, he's good to come, the more the merrier."

"Perfect, well I have to go and mingle around more, enjoy the party!"

"You too!"

I walk away, shifting between people and getting pulled into more conversations before I can make it inside to grab something to eat, the kitchen was quiet minus the humming of the crockpots on the counter. I walk over and open each dish in turn, smelling the savory chicken, cheesy mac and cheese, taco salad, and sweet dirt pudding. A cake sat on one side of the counter, signed with the caption 'Little He or Little She?' on top. I smile and scoop a bit of mac and cheese on my plate and eat, humming at the taste in the quiet kitchen. I go to take my final bite when the door slides open, revealing Tom, who sees me taking a way too large of a bite.

He lets out a snort, "You know we are supposed to eat after the gender reveal?"

"Excuse you, who is the pregnant one here? I think I can do what I want." I sass, tossing my now empty plate in the trash.

Tom smiles, pulling me to him, "Everyone wants us to do the gender reveal, so you want to come outside with me and get started?"

"Yeah, let's go, I wanna know what are little love is going to be." I smile, taking his outstretched hand and let him lead me outside to where everyone was waiting.

"Are you two ready for the gender reveal?" Harrison asks with a laugh, Izzy walking over to his side.

"We are, what are we doing to find out what our baby is?" Tom asks, moving to wrap an arm around my waist.

"Chalk bomb," Izzy states, handing Tom a black plastic ball.

Tom smiles at me and pulls me to the side where we will have enough space for the chalk to fly. He throws his arms over his head, "ARE WE READY!" The crowd cheers loudly, making us laugh. Tom's arm wraps around my waist, smiling at me, "Ready, love?"

"Let's find out what we are having, Holland." I state, Tom's hand holding the ball raises again before he chucks it at the ground at our feet. The two of us gasp in delight as the ball breaks and pink clouds the air around us.

Tom turns and pulls me into his arms, spinning us around in a circle before setting me to my feet. "We're having a little girl, love."

"We are indeed, Tom." I tease, my arms pulling him down into a kiss.

"Please tell me someone got that on camera?" Tom calls looking at the crowd, seeing several people lift their phones, v-log cameras, and normal cameras into the air. "Okay, good," he laughs, shaking his head before looking back at me.

"First grandchild is a girl!" Nikki yells with excitement, hugging Dom as everyone walks over to congratulate us. It could not be a more perfect day, especially having so many of the most important people of our lives being there to witness with us our future.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think! Reblog and comment!

Chapter Fifteen

#cg writes #time never stops #tom holland x reader #tom holland fanfiction #tomhollandxyoutuber!reader #dad!tom holland #bestfriendstoloversau #bestfriend!tom holland #best friends to lovers

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paradisobound · 5 years

Text

I Want It, I Got It: Chapter 27

Summary: Phil Lester was a worker for the BBC in London. Working in the advertising department, he was content being alongside his friend and fellow coworker PJ during every shift. However, the BBC is temporarily being used as a film set for a new movie staring Hollywood ‘It’ star, Daniel Howell. Being stuck as an extra on the set, Phil finds it’s hard to ignore the famous star. And maybe, just maybe, Dan finds it hard to ignore Phil as well.

Word Count: 3.1k (this chapter)

Warnings: Occasional swearing and sexual mentions

Rating: Explicit

Updates will be every Sunday around 1pm EST

**MASTERLIST | READ ON AO3 | WATTPAD**

Phil misses work the next few days and he doesn’t bother to tell anyone else why. Martyn tries to come and visit him but when Martyn rings his doorbell, Phil pretends he isn’t home and just lays on the couch. Spike whimpers a bit and tries to scratch at the door but because Martyn doesn’t have his key anymore to the flat, he can’t come in.

Martyn texts him later that day and asks him where he went and Phil just said he needed to go for a breather. It was all he’s said to anyone since his last Skype call with Dan.

He was hurt, deeply so. His heart felt shattered and his brain like mush. He wasn’t even sure if he could move past any of this. In the four short months that he’s grown to know who Dan was, nothing has felt like this.

He’s been through break ups. He’s been through bad relationships. But no break up has hurt as bad as Dan telling him that he thinks they should take a break. What happened to Dan promising him that they wouldn’t give up on each other and he made the promise back? Did the promise fall on deaf ears? Did Dan not really mean anything that he said?

Phil doesn’t want to believe that’s the case.

Per Dan’s request, he hasn’t tried to get ahold of him. He also took the initiative to delete his social media apps off from his phone so that why he wouldn’t be tempted to check Dan’s Twitter or Instagram and see how he’s doing. The news has been quiet lately, not mentioning Dan’s name. And Phil guesses that he’s grateful for that. But in a selfish way, he wishes that some entertainment news site would talk about Dan so he could know what Dan was doing.

It’s four days later when Phil decides that he needs to actually do something. He needs to get off his arse and actually start living again. He’s sat in his flat, wallowing in his own misery and barely showering. Even Spike has begun to find it a bit weird that Phil hasn’t taken him for a proper walk to the park. He can tell by Spike’s anxious prancing around the flat.

He showers That’s morning, dresses in a pair of his black jeans and his black shirt with the word vibes on it to add a bit of color to his dark mind. He puts in contacts instead of wearing his glasses and he styles his hair. Already, just by doing that, he feels a bit better.

But instead of going out, he sets up behind a camera and puts some lights on him and he just sits down and takes a breath. He needs to do this. Even if he never posts the video, he needs to just let everything go.

And he’s going to.

“Hey everyone.” He begins, voice wavering a bit. “Today, I’m making a video not as amazingphil but as Phil Lester. There is a lot I need to get off from my chest because of recent events and this is me doing so. In January of this year, I met Daniel Howell on the set of the new film he was working on. As some of you know, I work for the BBC as a graphic designer and I often am working in the offices doing advertising and posters and websites. But enough of that. I met Dan when I was told I was going to be an extra on the set of the film. I thought it was stupid. I was and at the BBC for bringing me in on what would be my day off to film as some extra in some big pretentious movie stars film. But that actually wasn’t it at all. I met Dan on the set and my life completely changed.”

Phil took a breath and then let it out slowly as he tried to find his composure again.

“Dan and I exchanged numbers and he asked me to do a favor for him by showing him around London. I thought really nothing of it. He was asking as if he was a friend and I’m not someone to turn down a friends request. So I went around with him in London then the paparazzi flooded us at the eye and that was when everyone saw us for the first time. At that time in our lives, we were just budding friends. We were nothing more.”

Phil looked up his ceiling in an attempt to ground himself. He couldn’t believe he was telling all of this right now to a camera but it also felt so good to just spew all of this out when he’s had to hide it for so long.

“Dan and I kept in contact and when he came to London a short time later, he stayed at my flat with me and I think that was when I realized he was someone I wanted to spend more time with and get to know better. So we agreed for me to come to Los Angeles to spend a week with him and I did. And it was then during that time that we solidified our relationship.”

Phil felt his eyes prick a bit with tears as he took in a deep shuddering breath, promising to edit it out later if he ever does actually edit this video to be posted later. All he can think of is him in Dan in LA, kissing in Dan’s bed and then fucking just a short time later. Phil’s spins tingles as he thinks about what it was like to have sex with Dan for the first time and how amazing it had felt for him. How much love he had felt being poured from Dan.

“We told each other that we were together and we wanted to be together but then the paparazzi got in our way and we couldn’t do it anymore. Our relationship was going so well but then the fucking paparazzi came out and they followed us. They followed me around London where I once lived without worry. They followed Dan around Los Angeles when he isn’t comfortable with it. And they ruined us. The ruined us because they caught an intimate moment between us at my flat and completely breached our privacy. And I know people are probably going to be like “but Phil, you’re airing everything out into the open now” and my answer to that is that I’m doing it on my own terms. Dan and I wanted to come out on our own terms and it got ripped away from us by some selfish pricks we wanted it make quick money.”

Tears are rolling freely down Phil’s cheeks now. He reaches up and wipes them away as best he can but it looks like he just smeared them over his cheeks and not really wiped them away.

“Dan and I are taking a break now because of what the paparazzi did. Because we need to figure out how to move on with our relationship aired out because we were ready. And no one will understand the pain that I’m feeling right now to love someone so damn much and have him be ripped away from me because of people who have no care for other people’s privacy.”

A sob rips from his throat and he lurches forward as he buries his head into his hands and lets out all of the emotions that he has been feeling and bottling up these last few days. He’s angry. And he’s sad. And frankly, he kind of wants to be out for blood right now, yelling at people. But he’s trying to keep composure and it’s getting more and more difficult.

When his tears dry up a bit and he lets himself settle, he takes a few deep breaths and then speaks again.

“I don’t know if Dan will ever see this video. For all I know, this video could separate us further than we already are. But if he is, I wanted to speak to him directly and just say some things. Dan, I love you. I know I didn’t say it to you when you told me you loved me in Los Angels but I’m saying it now. I love you so much and I don’t want to lose you. I know you probably didn’t want a video like this just airing everything out but please, please understand me. I want to be able to be with you, completely and unabashedly. I want to wake up next to you again and kiss you and, sorry for being vulgar, but I want to keep making love with you. I want to be with you....I love you.”

Phil stands up and pushes the button on the camera to stop it from recording as he lets out the rest of his sobs and wipes off his eyes with the backs of his hands. This was a stupid, stupid idea. But yet, he still found himself opening up his camera’s base and pulling out the SD card and bringing it to his laptop.

He exports the video onto his laptop and he doesn’t even edit it. He doesn’t do anything with. He goes right to YouTube and he uploads it and titles to “The Truth”. It’s 35 minutes long with everything form his crying to his raw emotions and he doesn’t care.

He presses public on the video and then takes a deep breath and shuts his laptop and picks up his phone. He calls PJ.

****

“Was everything you said in the video the truth?” PJ asks Phil as they sit on his couch and each have a glass of some strong liquor that PJ had brought. Phil thinks it’s whiskey which he doesn’t like but it does numb his mind a bit.

“Of course.” Phil says. “I wouldn’t lie.”

“So you and Dan are broken up?”

“Yes and no.” Phil says. “When Dan Skyped me the other night, he told me it wasn’t a break up and we were on a break but then he told me not to contact him and he wasn’t gong to contact me.”

“That’s rough.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Is that why you haven’t been to work?” PJ asks and Phil nods. “Louise told us you went on a personal leave.”

“I couldn’t go to work.” Phil says. “I couldn’t even get up the energy to shower or go and get food.”

“Louise was saying that she knew it was about what happened with Dan but she isn’t happy with having you miss work over it.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Phil says. “I’m quitting anyway.”

PJ’s eyes widen and he looks at Phil with a confused look. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m quitting the BBC.”

“Why?”

“Well,” Phil begins, resting back onto the couch. “I’ve been wanting to quit for a while and honestly, I kind of want to just like…stop working there and focus on something new. I could use something new in my life.”

“But what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to focus more on my YouTube channel and if life goes that way, I’ll be traveling with Dan and supporting him.”

“But you haven’t talk to him since you uploaded the video right?” PJ asks. “How do you think he’s going to react to it?”

Phil shrugs and takes a sip of his drink. It burns a bit when it goes down and he winces. But within a few minutes, his mind will feel clouded again and he’ll be able to feel something more than just hollow.

“You should probably try and speak to him.”

“I don’t know if I can yet.” Phil says. “I don’t know if I can face him yet after I just aired all of our dirty laundry into the open.”

“But it’s not ‘dirty laundry’. It’s your real life that the tabloids were exploiting. The paparazzi deserved to be called out like you did.”

“That doesn’t make what I do as right.”

They sit in silence for a few moments, nothing more than just the sound of them breathing in the room and the sound of Spike gnawing on a bone in the corner of the flat.

Suddenly, Phil’s phone vibrates loudly on the couch and he jumps, reaching for it and picking it up. On the screen, it’s a picture of Dan saying ‘Dan would like to Facetime’. Phil swallows and puts his finger up to PJ to keep him quiet and he nods in acknowledgement.

He swipes the screen and answers and Dan is laying in his bed on the other side, his face red and puffy and his eyes very badly bloodshot.

“Why did you make that video?” Dan asks, his voice really hoarse and his words hanging between them like a tight string.

Phil’s heart began to beat faster as he begin to think of every possible reasoning he could tell Dan but frankly, none of them would be true. They would all be fibs. So he lets out a breath and then answers. “I wanted people to know our story.”

“But why?”

Dan’s voice sounds young and childlike, almost as if he’s asking a parent why he couldn’t have a sweet before his dinner. Phil swallows.

“I wanted people to know what they did.”

Dan breaks eye contact with the screen and looks down at his bedsheets, his fingers appear to be picking at a piece of thread.

“I can delete the video if you want me to.” Phil says. “Although I’m not sure…”

“Thank you for posting the video.”

The words catch Phil off guard. He was expecting Dan to yell at him, maybe even threaten legal action for speaking out about their relationship. But those words…they were like a punch in Phil’s gut in the best way possible.

“What?”

“When Marianne told me that you had posted that video, I initially was really upset because I thought you were doing it to maybe spite what I had asked of us on our Skype call or to even, I don’t know, exploit our own relationship.” Dan sniffled. “Marianne barred me from watching the video but I just caved and watched it and Phil, what you said at the end, I want all of that too.”

Phil feels his eyes prick a bit with happy tears and he looks up to see PJ’s own eyes have gone a bit glassy as well.

“I want to wake up next to you each morning and I want to kiss you whenever I want, where I want to.” Dan let out a laugh. “And let’s be real, definitely more sex because that has been incredible.”

PJ snickers in the background and Phil shushes him with a wave out of view.

“But more than anything, I just want to be with you.” Dan says. “I want to be able to go in public with you and post photos with you and not feel like I had to hide. I’ve been hiding for so long and I’m sick of it.” He lets out a breath. “I just want to be with you.”

“I love you, Dan.” It’s the first time Phil has said it to Dan directly and it feels a bit overwhelming but it also feels right at the same time.

“I love you too.” Dan says. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else before.”

Phil lets a few tears fall and Dan smiles and laughs a bit as he wipes his own tears on the other side of the screen.

“We’re such saps.” Dan laughs and Phil laughs with him because they are. They really are but Phil doesn’t care. “I’m going to make a post on Instagram and Twitter confirming what you said in the video and I’m going to ask for our privacy. Is that okay?”

Phil nods and smiles. “That is more than okay. I think I’m going to do that same.”

“Okay.” Dan says. “I have to get going now because I have to get ready for Jimmy Fallon tonight, perfect timing right? But anyway, I have to start preparing but I’ll make the post and everything. I’m sure this will be a talking point on Jimmy Fallon if you want to tune in later?”

Phil nods. It’ll be really really late for him but he needs to watch Dan on Jimmy Fallon. He has to.

“I’ll talk to you later?” Dan asks, breaking Phil’s thoughts and Phil nods quickly.

“Of course.”

“Mmm. Love you.” Dan says, a smile playing on his lips again. “I like being able to say that.”

“Me too.” Phil says. “Love you too.”

“Bye.”

Dan ends the video call and Phil is left staring at his own reflection in the black screen. He immediately turns to PJ who is half pouring a new glass of whiskey and half wiping a few tears from his cheeks.

“Can you please stay with me to watch Jimmy Fallon tonight?” Phil pleads.

PJ looks at Phil and nods quickly. “Of course but I have work in the morning and you do too.”

Phil shakes his head and lets out a sigh. “Forget work tomorrow. Just…please be with me to watch Dan on there. Please?”

PJ nods and lets out a soft smile. “I’ll call Soph and have her bring us some snacks.”

“I should probably call my brother and my mum.” Phil says, speaking out loud.

PJ nods and Phil let’s out a long sigh and picks up his phone again. He remembers how he told Dan that he’ll write a note on Instagram and Twitter so he opens his notes app and just types.

“As you all know I posted the video today about Dan and I’s relationship. Although that was all private information, Dan and I have since spoken and neither one of us believe the video did any harm. We’re asking for everyone to respect our privacy during this time as we rebuild our relationship. Thank you all, Phil.”

Just as Phil posts his note, Dan’s note comes onto his timeline and he reads it.

“Earlier today, Phil posted a video regarding mine and his relationship these last few months. Although all of what he said is 100% accurate, we’re asking you all to respect us during this time and keep our privacy as just that. I will still be on Jimmy Fallon tonight but I would like to remind everyone to keep us in your thoughts and to please leave us to settle what we need to in private. Thank you.”

Phil smiles at bit at the note and then goes to the contacts in his phone and presses his mum’s name for the first time in over a week.

#phan #phanfiction #phanfic #fluff #smut #angst #princesslexi763fics #famous!dan #moviestar!dan

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dvp95 · 5 years

Text

don’t complicate it

pairing: dan howell/phil lester

rating: t

warnings: none

tags: magical realism, canon compliant (not anymore! it was canon compliant in 2017), psychic abilities, phil is a psychic and dan is an embarrassment

word count: 11,289

summary: A magical realism au where everything is the same except sometimes, Phil's dreams come true. Featuring YouTuber cameos, existential crises, and a love story. (Or: It's 2017 and Dan Howell's entire universe has been flipped upside down.)

NOTE: this is not a new story! this is my first dnp fic and i’m just transferring it here to have all my shit in one place, basically. i wrote this two years ago and if i were to write it today, i’d change some stuff, but. i’m generally still pretty pleased with it! so i hope y’all get a kick out of old daye’s bad pacing and shaky dialogue

read on ao3 or here!

If there's one thing Dan knows for sure about his housemate, it's that Phil Lester is weird. He's always been weird - weird to film with, weird to listen to, even weird to look at since he's usually pulling a face for no reason or turning his hand backwards to fit in his pocket - but living with him has made Dan eternally grateful that he is so fond of Phil's weirdness, because otherwise this friendship thing just wouldn't work.

In addition to the general weirdness, Phil has more superstitions than Dan's entire family. Dan has been yelled at for putting a box of new shoes on the table, yanked away from ladders rather violently, and asked if he's angry if he leaves his cutlery crossed on his plate. It would probably be annoying, if Dan ever got seriously annoyed by the things Phil does.

It's funny instead of annoying, like most things about Phil, but Dan has to draw the line somewhere.

"What do you mean, I can't use my laptop today?" he asks Phil slowly, trying very hard not to freak out. "What have you done to it?"

"Nothing!" Phil insists. He holds up his hands like it somehow proves his innocence.

"I don't believe you," says Dan, "and I'm not going to stay off my laptop for an entire day, you absolute donkey. Give it back."

"I can't give it back to you." Phil sounds exasperated, which is the exact wrong emotion for him to be feeling after hiding Dan's laptop at ten in the morning. "If you use your laptop today, it's going to break. We can't afford another iProduct."

Dan narrows his eyes. First of all, he has his own bank account with his own money, and there is no 'we' about buying Dan a new laptop. Secondly - "My baby is perfectly fine, assuming you haven't done something to it and you're planning on replacing it before I notice."

"That would be stupid of me, of course you'd notice."

"Phil."

"Can't you just trust me?"

If it was anything else, Dan would probably let the argument drop and let Phil be weird about this, too. His laptop, though? That's off-limits.

"No, I can't," Dan says, holding out his hand. "Give me back my laptop. Right now."

Phil sighs heavily and leaves the lounge, returning after a few minutes with Dan's laptop in his hands. He hesitates when Dan reaches for it, but passes it over reluctantly.

"Just... don't click anything Felix sends you," says Phil. Dan rolls his eyes and agrees in order to placate his friend, but he has a bad habit of forgetting things Phil has told him - and can he be blamed? He has eight years' worth of Phil-specific information to retain, it can't all stay at the forefront of his mind.

That's his reasoning for clicking the link Felix emails him, despite explicitly being told not to. He inhales sharply when his screen immediately goes black.

Phil turns to look at him from the other end of the sofa, expression already resigned. "I told you not to click it, Dan!"

"What happened?" Dan asks, panicking as he tries every keyboard shortcut he knows.

"I don't know," Phil huffs and pulls out his phone. "I'll ask Felix, I suppose."

It turns out that Felix's email got hacked, because of course it did, and everyone on his contact list got an attachment full of scary computer viruses. Felix gives everyone a heads-up on Twitter, but the damage to Dan's laptop is already done.

When Dan gets back from the Apple store with bad news and a shiny new laptop, he stops in Phil's doorway and frowns. "How did you know Felix got hacked?"

"I didn't," Phil says without looking up from his own laptop. "I just had a feeling you'd break your laptop today."

"No, you told me this morning not to click on anything Felix sent me. That's more than 'a feeling', Phil." Dan struggles not to look or sound sheepish. He isn't the one who needs to explain himself, here.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Dan," says Phil.

"I want you to tell me how you knew about this," Dan insists, pointing at his shopping bag even though Phil isn't looking at him. "Did you and Felix plan this?"

That makes Phil look up. "Of course not!"

Phil is the worst liar Dan has ever met, and the hurt in his voice at being accused of murdering Dan's laptop on purpose is real enough. Dan bites his lip so that he doesn't apologise reflexively. Even if Phil had nothing to do with the death of his laptop, the fact that he knew about it beforehand is suspicious enough to withhold apologies.

"Okay, so tell me the truth," Dan says instead of apologising like his mouth wants to.

"The truth," Phil repeats, looking back down at his laptop to close the lid. "I mean, okay, but you won't believe me."

"Try me," Dan challenges.

"I had a dream about it," says Phil, making careful eye contact with Dan. "That's it, that's all that happened. I dreamed that your laptop died because of an email from Felix, and then it happened, because my dreams come true sometimes."

This is not the first time Phil has made such a claim, but it's definitely the first time he wasn't at least half joking. Dan's scoff dies in his throat at how genuine Phil is acting.

"You're not psychic, Phil," Dan says slowly.

"Of course I'm not." Phil rolls his eyes, and Dan has a moment of relief before Phil adds, "I'm clairvoyant."

"Those are the same thing!"

"They actually aren't, interestingly enough. See -"

"Please stop," Dan groans, holding up a hand. "Stop right there. I don't believe in any of this nonsense, and you know that. I'd sooner believe you became a master hacker overnight and sent me that virus yourself as an expensive and unfunny prank."

Hurt flashes across Phil's face before annoyance takes over, and he shrugs. "Believe whatever you want, Dan. You asked for the truth and I told you."

"Your 'truth'," says Dan, air quotes difficult with a shopping bag but necessary, "is scientifically impossible."

"Fine, I won't tell you about my dreams anymore," Phil huffs, standing up to pointedly start getting ready for bed.

"Well, good," Dan says after a long pause. Phil doesn't deign to reply to his cutting wit, so Dan goes to his own bedroom and starts setting up his new baby. The first thing he does once he can start using it is type in the word 'clairvoyant'.

Google doesn't tell him anything he doesn't already know, so that's a non-starter. He ends up in a Reddit thread about premonitions during sleep, and even though the stories are interesting, they can't be true. That isn't how the universe works.

There's a lot about the universe that Dan doesn't understand. He knows that better than anyone, and it's the cause of many a crisis in his life.

Magic, though? Fortune telling? That's just factually wrong.

Dan decides, when he hears birds start to sing and realises he's spent all night in a Google vortex again, that what Phil experienced was nothing more than a coincidence.

It has to be a coincidence, or a joke, or else Dan is going to lay facedown on the floor for an entire week.

Phil is acting weirder than usual.

They're recording for a danisnotonfire video that Dan isn't sure yet if he actually wants to upload, and Phil keeps looking over his shoulder and reacting to every small noise outside their building. After ten minutes of this, Dan tells him to stop the camera for his own sanity.

"I can't use any of that," he says like he wasn't second-guessing the idea already. "You're so jumpy! Did you play spooky games without me?"

"No," says Phil.

He doesn't elaborate, which forces Dan to respond with a slow, "Okay, so why are you acting like a small rodent?"

Phil opens his mouth, probably to bicker about exactly what he's doing, but he's interrupted by the sound of someone banging on their front door. As if this is what he's been expecting, Phil leaps to his feet and bolts out of Dan's bedroom.

"That was weird," Dan tells the camera. It's no longer recording, but he has no one else to commiserate the weirdness of Phil Lester with.

While he waits for Phil to get back, he wonders who's at the door. It's not like they have many friends in the city, and the ones they have tend to text or call before showing up. Louise always says it's so she doesn't 'interrupt anything', which Dan tries not to read too deeply into.

Dan gets bored and follows Phil down the stairs, where he hears a loud and familiar voice drifting up from the entrance.

"- and I'm only trying to get to Dublin, right, but Heathrow decided I was suspicious somehow and I make inappropriate jokes when I'm uncomfortable - stop laughing - so they detained me and I missed my flight!"

"And we're the only people you know in London?" Dan hears Phil ask, and he sounds amused but not at all surprised. Which is weird, because Markiplier being in London without warning is pretty surprising stuff.

"I don't know anyone else's address," Mark admits, sounding good-natured despite an apparently difficult airport adventure. "Yours is in my phone, but I don't remember putting it there."

"Pretty sure I added it at VidCon this year," Phil says, starting to climb the stairs. "I had a feeling you'd need our sofa at some point."

That's a sufficient enough explanation for Mark, who has moved onto asking what they have in the way of coffee and food, but Dan hurries back up to his room to have a minor mental breakdown. He checks Mark's twitter and Facebook, but there's no mention of a trip, and it wouldn't make sense for Phil and Mark to have planned this to trick Dan, with the way they were talking downstairs.

So how did Phil know that Mark was coming? Why did he have a feeling, months ago, that Mark would need to know the address of someone in London at some point?

It doesn't make any logical sense. This isn't a joke or a coincidence, it's just really fucking weird.

Dan eyes his floor, considering lying down on it, but they have a guest. Existential crises are not proper host etiquette. Still, he waits for Phil to shout his name before getting out of bed and confronting this very strange turn of events.

Maybe the universe doesn't work scientifically at all. Maybe scientists are just people who make shit up and act like it's the truth, because Dan is starting to think that Phil might not have been lying at all.

He doesn't get a chance to say anything to Phil, between getting shot down for an impromptu collab - "No offence, boys, but I'm on vacation, maybe on my way back!" - introducing Mark to their current favourite anime - "Fuck you, I'm not crying." - and setting Mark up on the sofabed in their gaming room - "It's too small for either of us, but you're about a foot shorter, aren't you?" - until they're walking downstairs together in comfortable silence, arms brushing.

"You knew Mark was coming," Dan says, not bothering to make it a question.

"Yeah," says Phil.

Dan appreciates that Phil doesn't try to lie, but it only adds to the paranoia that's been building all day. "And like, you already knew about that? At VidCon?"

"You were listening?" Phil asks with a surprised grin as they reach their main landing.

"Irrelevant," Dan sniffs, crossing his arms.

Phil laughs at him, but it's not mean. Sometimes Dan thinks that Phil doesn't have a mean bone in his entire body.

"Yeah, I had this dream at VidCon," Phil leans against his bedroom doorframe, "and Mark was wandering around London without a travel plan on his phone, trying to find a hotel he could afford. I just thought it would be easier and more fun for him to come here."

"And you had the same dream last night," guesses Dan.

"No, last night I dreamed he ate all my cereal, which only makes sense if he's in our apartment."

"Good, you deserve to have your cereal eaten," Dan says automatically, because that's something he understands. The universe might get turned on its head if Phil is actually magic, but at least Dan can find comfort in the fact that he's still a cereal thief.

"Shut up," Phil laughs and reaches out to push Dan's chest lightly.

His hand lingers, but Dan is far more concerned about the fact that Phil might be psychic.

"I want to hear about your dreams." Dan knows as he says it that this is a mistake, that if magic exists and it isn't being used to his advantage, the world will be a scarier place than it already was.

"All of them?" Phil asks, still smiling. "Or just the clairvoyant ones?"

"You can tell the difference?"

"Sure. I mean, if it's realistic or boring, it's probably going to come true. My regular dreams are frickin' cool."

Dan can feel a grin tugging at his lips. "I suppose if they're so 'frickin' cool', I want to hear about those dreams too."

"Cool," Phil giggles a little and steps away from his doorframe, looking more relaxed than he has in days around Dan. "I'll keep a detailed dream journal just for you."

"You'd better," Dan says faux-sternly.

This entire situation is one of the most unsettling things Dan has ever experienced, but the bright smile on Phil's face when he says goodnight is worth every panic attack Dan is going to have about the makeup of the known universe. He seems so happy to be believed that Dan wonders if Phil has ever told anyone about this in so much detail.

Probably. Phil is basically an open book, after all.

If it makes Dan feel better to pretend as he's falling asleep that Phil has confided something in him that he's never divulged before, nobody has to know.

Dan wakes up before noon on his own, for once, and he startles when he sees someone in his kitchen before remembering that they have a guest. Yawning, he opens the kitchen door and greets Mark with a distorted, "Morning."

"Hey," Mark grins, leaning against the counter with a bowl of Phil's cereal. "You think Phil's gonna mind if I finish this?"

"Course not," says Dan, "you're the guest."

They both maintain a straight face for a couple seconds before Mark breaks and causes Dan to start laughing too. It's always comfortable to hang out with Mark, but Dan would be lying if he said he liked having guests spend the night. He doesn't like the feeling of someone being in his apartment while he's asleep.

It's nice, then, to be reminded that Mark is funny, and warm, and leaving in a couple of hours.

"So, you're going to see Jack?" Dan asks, because Phil had elbowed him every time he tried to ask the night before. "Shit, I mean, Sean."

"I fuck that up constantly," Mark admits, rinsing his bowl in the sink. "Yeah, I'm spending the weekend at his place. We're trying not to make a big deal of it, because - well, you know."

"I do?" Dan raises his eyebrows and starts making coffee for three.

"Obviously." Mark points at the mug that Dan pulled out for Phil, the one with Daddy emblazoned across it.

"That's a joke," Dan says automatically.

Mark starts laughing again, far too loud for the subject matter and time of day. "Bro, I know it's a joke. I meant you obviously know why we're keeping it on the down-low because you also have crazy shipper fans who think you guys are going to get married and die in each other's arms."

"I prefer to think of them as 'dedicated'," Dan says, turning away from Mark until the heat in his cheeks settles down. "But yeah, I get it."

"Didn't mean to make it weird, dude," Mark says apologetically. Apparently Dan didn't hide his face fast enough. "I figured you were, like, comfortable joking about it."

"I am." Dan glances at the kitchen door, paranoid that Phil is listening and getting the wrong impression. "For a second I just thought you were saying that you and Jack are together, and then I felt stupid when I realised you just meant the fan speculation."

The ensuing quiet is strange, considering his conversation partner, but Dan doesn't look up from the mugs.

"Wait," Mark touches Dan's shoulder to get his attention. "Wait, hang on, are you saying that you and Phil are in a relationship?"

"No, but I guess we're closer to it than not," Dan half-jokes. "So sometimes I forget we aren't."

It's the truth, but it seems to shock Mark into silence.

The fact of the matter is that Dan knows who he's going to spend the rest of his life with. He knows, despite everything, that Phil is the most important person in his life and probably always will be. Nothing about them has ever been on the down-low, because they have nothing to hide, but there are times when it slips Dan's mind that the fans aren't onto something.

After coffee is poured and Dan has drank half of his own for something to do with his hands, Mark finally speaks. "I don't think Sean and I are thaaaat close, so I get why the joke was weird coming from me. Also, I'm pretty sure you should tell Phil that you want to be with him."

Dan nearly spits coffee onto the floor.

"What?"

"I know it's not my business," Mark says with a shrug, "but it sure seems like you're pining."

"I am not pining," says Dan, affronted.

"You totally are."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are - look, I'm not getting into this with you." Mark looks like he's trying very hard not to laugh, and Dan glares at him. "I'm just saying that I'm never going to just randomly forget that Sean and I aren't in a relationship. and it's weird that you do."

"Phil being my platonic life partner is the least weird thing in my life," Dan says dismissively. Mark rolls his eyes.

"Whatever you say, dude," says Mark.

To Dan's relief, he lets the topic drop for the next few hours. They play Mario Kart until their shouting wakes Phil, and then they take turns kicking Phil's ass. Phil is pretty good-natured about the whole thing.

As fun as Mark is to be around, Dan is relieved to see him to the door. He doesn't need any more of the pointed looks Mark keeps sending his way whenever he grabs Phil's arm in excitement or leans in close to psych him out.

"You should come round again sometime," Phil is suggesting as they gather awkwardly in the small bottom landing.

"On purpose next time," Mark agrees, giving each of them a one-armed hug. It's nice - Mark is a champion hugger, even while holding a duffel bag.

"It was good seeing you," Dan says truthfully. "Next time, maybe a heads up?"

"Nah, I think I'll be spontaneous again."

"What if we're not home?"

"That's a good one, Dan."

"You'll miss your flight if you keep bickering," Phil interrupts with a laugh. He squeezes Mark's shoulder and cryptically adds, "Don't eat the sandwiches on the flight. It'll make you sick."

"Okay," Mark says easily, hefting his bag onto his shoulder. "I'll see you boys around."

The ensuing quiet in Mark's wake is welcome, but all Dan can think about is how close together he and Phil have to stand in order to fit on this landing. Thanks to the proximity, he can see uncharacteristic bags under Phil's eyes.

Dan reaches out to press the pads of his fingers gently against Phil's skin there and hums, "Mark being sick kept you up?"

"No," Phil says with an indulgent smile.

"You promised to tell me about your dreams," Dan reminds him when Phil shows no sign of continuing. He's probably been touching Phil's face for too long, so he lets his hand awkwardly drop to his side.

Still smiling, Phil shrugs. "It wasn't that interesting, Dan. Just hard to figure out."

"I can help," says Dan.

He wants Phil to confide in him, even about the weird things. As much as this situation freaks him out, and it's a lot, Dan doesn't like Phil keeping anything from him.

"I just remember being anxious, and I couldn't figure out why," Phil admits at long last, sitting down on the steps. "I wasn't at home or anywhere familiar, which just made it worse."

"Were we travelling?" Dan asks, leaning back against their front door instead of sitting beside Phil on the narrow steps, like he wants to.

Phil grins and shakes his head. "You just assume you were there, huh?"

"Of course I was there," says Dan.

"You were." Phil's grin widens as he looks down at his hands. "Obviously you were there. You kept telling me to calm down, but I couldn't, and then you left the room."

"I left?" Dan asks in disbelief. "I literally left?"

Just another piece of evidence supporting the fact that Phil does not have psychic dreams - Dan wouldn't leave Phil alone when he was in the middle of freaking out, that would never happen. When Phil is freaking out, the only thing that calms him is having someone talk him through the situation.

"Yeah, that's what confused me," Phil hums. "You don't usually leave."

"I never leave," Dan corrects him.

Phil looks up at him with an expression that Dan can only categorize as, well, fond. It's the expression that somehow means 'you're an idiot' and 'I'm glad we're doing this together' at the same time. The internet has probably labelled it as something else, since there's a good chance the expression has been caught on film, but Dan doesn't think anything will describe it quite as well as fond.

The moment is stretching into something harder to laugh off, and Dan has to clear his throat before the quiet becomes suffocating.

"Alright, did you figure out why dream-me left you alone?"

"No, but I'm sure you have a good reason," says Phil in a soft voice. He stands and stretches, purposefully breaking eye contact with Dan. "You fancy a tea?"

Dan shakes his head and watches Phil climb their narrow stairs, wondering if there's something Phil isn't telling him.

Phil's smile disappears as soon as Dan turns the camera off, which isn't unusual when their filming takes a long time, but Dan gets worried when Phil sighs and puts his head down on the desk.

"You okay?" Dan asks, resting his fingertips on Phil's shoulder.

"I'm tired," says Phil into the wooden surface, "and I keep having bad dreams whenever I try to rest."

This isn't news to Dan, as Phil has been keeping him in the dream loop for the past couple weeks, but Dan didn't realize it was getting so bad. He feels guilt settle in his stomach for not noticing before Phil faceplanted into their desk.

"Is there anything that usually helps? Like, stops you from dreaming altogether? I think we still have that vanilla vodka from New Year's, that usually conks me out."

Phil tilts his head on the desk to give Dan an indulgent smile. "No, getting drunk doesn't help."

"That's a shame," says Dan.

"I don't know, nothing really stops me from dreaming," Phil says when it's obvious that Dan isn't changing the subject. "Like, I guess there are things that help make the dreams blurry and more fun to be in, but I've never woken up and thought, 'wow, I didn't have a single dream last night'."

"That sounds... exhausting," Dan admits. He has more dreamless nights than not; he thinks that if he had dreams every night and also, some of them might come true, he'd go mad.

Phil doesn't bother to respond to that, because obviously it's exhausting, but he sighs again and closes his eyes.

"You can't sleep here, c'mon," Dan murmurs, squeezing Phil's shoulder before standing up. "I'm sure your bed will be more comfortable than wood."

"Your mum is more comfortable than wood," Phil says, nonsensically.

With a bit more prodding and cajoling, Dan gets Phil to his feet and guides him down the stairs so he doesn't wipe out. Phil wrinkles his nose when he looks at his bedroom, so Dan finds himself saying, "Will it help to sleep in my bed? It's not like I'm using it right now."

"Why would that help?" Phil asks, which isn't a no.

"Change of scenery," Dan suggests, opening his door and gesturing for Phil to go in. "Make yourself at home - within reason, like."

"I'm going to snoop through everything," Phil threatens weakly. Dan rolls his eyes and gives Phil a gentle shove into his room. "Okay, okay. Thanks."

Dan stands in the doorway long enough to make sure that Phil gets to the bed without colliding with anything before turning to leave. He normally stays in his room for a good portion of the day, but he doesn't mind taking up the browsing position in their lounge so Phil can get some actual sleep.

Before he can walk away, though, Phil mumbles something that makes him pause.

"What's that?" Dan asks without turning around - just in case Phil hadn't said anything at all.

"Will you stay?" Phil repeats. His voice is quiet and muffled by Dan's comforter, but the request is unmistakable.

Dan isn't sure how this will help, but he smiles over his shoulder and says, "Sure. Let me grab my laptop from the kitchen, I'll be right back."

Considering the exhaustion, he expects Phil to be asleep by the time he gets back with his baby, but Phil's half-closed eyes watch Dan hesitate and look between the desk and bed uncertainly. He doesn't say anything to guide Dan, which is annoying, and Dan ends up making a frustrated noise before flopping onto the far side of his bed and opening Tumblr.

Phil makes a contented noise and curls around Dan, close enough that Dan can feel his body heat but not quite touching. Dan isn't sure if he should feel relieved or disappointed.

It's easy to get lost in the void of Tumblr, and it isn't until Dan gets a text that he realises actual hours have passed. He doesn't want to disturb Phil, but he thinks it might be worse if Phil's sleeping schedule gets all out of whack, so he shakes Phil awake before checking his phone.

"Huh?" Phil bleats, startling awake and blinking a lot.

He has a half-quiff and his eyes are redder than usual. Maybe he should have taken his contacts out before napping, but Dan refuses to feel guilty about that because Phil is a grown man and has been able to take his contacts out without reminders in the past.

"Your nap was becoming a coma," Dan says, picking up his phone before he forgets to check the text.

"Oh," Phil says around a yawn, curling further into Dan so his head is sort of resting on Dan's tummy. "I'm sorry for taking over your bed."

"It's fine, you doofus," says Dan. He's paying more attention to the fact that his mum actually texted him than this conversation, and that's his excuse for carding his fingers through Phil's weird sleep quiff.

Phil doesn't seem to mind or even find it weird. It would probably be weirder to stop doing it now that he's started, so Dan just keeps absently petting Phil as he reads through the strangely long text from his mother.

"What're you looking at?" Phil asks into Dan's shirt.

"Mum texted."

It's such an unusual occurrence that Phil rearranges his entire body in order to stare at Dan whilst keeping his head on Dan's stomach.

"Your mum or my mum?"

"My mum," says Dan, and when did the word 'mum' turn into something that needed clarification in his life?

This is what he'd meant, when he told Mark that sometimes he and Phil are more like a couple than not. He can't picture any of his other friends in this situation, can't even fathom having his hand in someone's hair and talking about their shared mums in bed if there wasn't a romantic element.

With Phil, though, this is just what their friendship is like. Dan honestly isn't sure if things would be easier with said added romantic element, because things are already so easy.

"Dan?" Phil is saying, his voice slightly raised, and Dan guesses that Phil's been trying to get his attention for a while.

"Sorry, what?"

"I said what does she want?"

"Um," Dan looks back down at his phone, trying to collect his thoughts and hide his flushing face, "my family's going on holiday, so she wanted to let me know."

Phil plucks the phone out of Dan's hand and ignores the squawking protests to sigh, "Dan, she also asked you to water her plants."

"So?"

"So, you have a job in London," Phil says, his lips pursing unhappily. "She always thinks you have free time."

Cheeks burning, Dan snatches his phone back and pushes both Phil and his laptop off of him. He doesn't need to be told that his family doesn't take his job seriously, he knows that already.

"Will you come to Reading with me or not?" Dan asks, swinging his legs out of bed and stretching to avoid looking at Phil's apologetic face.

"Course I will," says Phil. "Are we going for a day or the whole time they're gone?"

The idea of spending an entire week in his childhood home is unappealing to Dan, so he responds that he'd prefer only staying over for one night. With any luck, he won't run into anyone he knows while he's there.

Phil doesn't push the topic. He knows when to stop, when all he'll get from Dan is sullen glances and 'I don't want to talk about it, Phil' if he says one more time that Dan might be happier if he tried building stronger relationships in his family.

It's no wonder that Phil doesn't get it, since the Lesters have basically adopted Dan as one of their own.

That's not who the Howells are, though; they aren't sunny and jokey, they don't watch his videos and text him thumbs up emojis, they don't invite Phil over without prompting.

Dan loves them all the same. Of course he loves them, they're his family.

It's just that - when Dan gets homesick, it isn't for Reading. It isn't for Manchester or this crappy London flat either, really. Sure, he misses his sofa crease and the cracks in his bedroom ceiling when they're on the road, but only until the next moment that Phil catches his eye and grins brighter than the sun.

Dan doesn't get homesick often.

"I can't even read your writing." Dan tries very hard to sound exasperated when all he wants to do is laugh.

"My writing is so much better than yours!" Phil says defensively, making grabby hands at his dream journal. "A dramatic reading of my dreams was not included in this deal."

"It should be, that sounds hilarious."

Dan doesn't give the journal back, because he's just winding Phil up. He flips open to the last page, ignoring Phil's annoyed squawk of a noise that he's only capable of making before his morning coffee, and starts reading.

Lots of the dream descriptions are straight-up impossible; Dan notices that there are stars marking the most realistic entries and a fair few with just a giant question mark. He also can't help but notice that there are places where pages have clearly been torn out. Judging by the dates on some of the earlier entries, Phil has had this journal for months longer than Dan expected, and Dan wonders what Phil wanted to keep to himself.

To be fair, he's had plenty of dreams that he would rather Phil never heard about, but he also would have never written them down in the first place.

Phil leaves the lounge to make coffee at one point, returning quietly with two mugs just when Dan thinks he's had enough of reading older dreams that have already come true. He closes the journal and accepts his coffee before mumbling, "Thanks. Did you make some of these up?"

"No," says Phil, rolling his eyes.

"These ones have happened," Dan says unnecessarily. "You should really keep better track of which dreams have passed."

Before Phil can say anything, Dan fishes for a pen between their sofa cushions and puts a checkmark beside a dream about Dil becoming a nightmarish crafts project.

"Oi, don't mark up my journal," Phil says, but he makes no effort to take the journal or pen from Dan.

Dan ignores him to ask, "How do you not live in constant fear?"

"I dunno." Phil is shrugging when Dan looks up with an expression of disbelief. "I mean, I don't usually dream about anything bad, so it's not like I have death and devastation hanging over my head all the time - unlike you. Don't hit me, I have coffee!"

The train to Reading isn't long, especially compared to some of the treks Dan has had to do with a caffeinated Phil at his side, but he still hates every second of it.

It makes him feel younger, and he isn't sure if he likes that feeling. Young Dan was embarrassing and judgemental and so, so terrified that he wouldn't be liked by anyone that he made a lot of choices to make other people happy.

Plus, he can't move the whole journey, since Phil has decided to fall asleep on his shoulder.

Phil's steady breaths are normally quite calming, but he keeps mumbling things that Dan can't quite catch, and it’s driving him crazy.

He never used to care this much about dreams, even his own, but he thinks that the paranoia is justified here.

This whole clairvoyance thing has made Dan incredibly anxious. He can't help but wonder what other things in this universe he doesn't understand, if a form of magic is real. Part of him hopes that this is all an elaborate prank - he'd be mad at first, but it would be better for his mental health all around.

When the train finally starts slowing down, Dan gently shakes Phil's shoulder.

"Dan?" Phil mumbles, not sounding fully awake.

"Yeah, 's me."

Something about the moment that Phil blinks up at Dan without moving from his shoulder causes the breath in Dan's throat to catch.

"I had such a weird dream," Phil confides. "Like, an actually weird dream. Tyler Oakley was doing a collab with Leatherface."

"Sounds harrowing," says Dan.

"It was, a bit," Phil says on a yawn, sitting up properly and blinking at the train window. "Oh, I didn't mean to sleep the whole trip! You must have been so bored. I'm really sorry, Dan."

"The quiet was a nice change," Dan says instead of admitting that he was in fact very bored without Phil's chatter, "and you needed the sleep."

"I did," Phil agrees, before pulling out his phone to check his fringe in the camera app.

"Shut up, you look fine."

"Wow, Reading puts you in a bad mood. We haven't even got off the train yet and you're a grumpleton."

Dan doesn't grace that comment with a response, as Phil is right anyway - Reading does put him in a bad mood. He just stands up and nudges a still-sleepy Phil to do the same when the train is stopped completely.

They take a cab to Dan's family home and Phil talks the entire time about absolutely nothing. Dan appreciates it; the chatter helps him tune out his surroundings so he isn't thinking about the time he threw up on that bench over there or when he got caught shoplifting at the nearest corner store.

Walking into his parents' house is always so weird, because Dan half expects it to have stayed the same since the last holiday he visited. Obviously, it never does.

Part of Dan can't help but think of their books, proudly displayed on the Lesters' coffee table, while looking at the cringey graduation photo on the wall of his own parents' lounge.

Somebody else is growing up here now, is the thing. The photos of Dan on the wall have been the same for five years, but Adrian is still going through the motions of becoming a person, and it's weird for Dan to see that happen in chunks.

"He's getting so old, it's weird," Phil voices, looking at the new photos next to Dan's awful ones.

"Tell me about it," says Dan. "We are all dying."

Phil laughs, because that's what he does when Dan makes a joke about death, and carries his bag upstairs. Since he's feeling listless and like a stranger in his own family home, Dan follows.

Dan was upset with me? is the latest thing written in the dream journal that Dan sneaks out of Phil's bag when he can't sleep. It doesn't help.

When Dan wakes up in his old bed, the afternoon sun filtering through the blinds in an all-too-familiar way, he has a moment of absolute panic that he's gone back in time - honestly, it wouldn't be the weirdest thing in his life right now - but he’s too long for his bed and he can hear Phil singing in the kitchen.

Dan only has a couple of hours before their train leaves, so he pushes himself out of bed and doesn't bother with getting dressed to water his mum's plants. On his way downstairs he calls out, "Good morning."

"Afternoon!" Phil's voice comes back, bright and loud and not suited for Dan's old house at all.

"Can you get me some water?" Dan asks as he ambles into the kitchen.

"For you or the houseplants?"

"Both, I guess."

"I already fed the houseplants," Phil says with a smile, opening wrong cupboards until he finds a cup. "You want lunch?"

Swallowing around the sudden, inexplicable lump in his throat, Dan murmurs an affirmative. There's something about Phil making himself so at home in a place he hasn't been overly welcomed that is making Dan feel some kind of way that he isn't prepared to deal with at this time of day.

His parents like Phil well enough, but they don't really understand him; they don't understand the person he helped Dan become, either.

Even if Phil is feeling weird here, he's going out of his way to make Dan feel comfortable.

"Why was I upset with you?" asks Dan. His voice is almost too quiet, and he watches as Phil's fingers slip on the loaf of bread he's slicing. "In your dream, I mean. I couldn't sleep so I - yeah."

"I'm not mad you looked," Phil says over his shoulder, "since I made it for you and all."

Dan knows that isn't true from the dates and level of detail in the journal, but he isn't about to call Phil out.

"Well, that's good. So?"

With a heavy sigh, Phil starts to spread peanut butter on bread for Dan - the exact amount that Dan prefers, not that he notices.

"I'm really not sure," Phil says slowly, not looking at Dan. "Remember when I had that dream about me freaking out and you leaving? It was like, the exact same, except you were really upset that I was freaking out instead of trying to calm me down."

"That doesn't sound like me," says Dan.

Phil shrugs and holds out Dan's finished sandwich in response. Dan has to stop himself from squeezing Phil's hip in thanks like he usually does, because Dan is half naked and they're in his old house and he thinks it might be weirder here and now. Then he thinks maybe it's weirder if he doesn't do it, but Phil has started moving towards the lounge before he decides.

Around a mouthful of peanut butter, Dan asks, "How many times have you had this dream?"

"A few," Phil says as he flops his whole body onto the sofa. He leaves enough room for Dan to sit near his feet, which is considerate of him.

"Have you considered that it might just be... a dream?"

"I have done," says Phil, "but it just feels so real, you know? And it's been the same weird room, not on like Jupiter or something."

"I'm not sure what we'd have to argue about on Jupiter," Dan muses out loud. If Dan is honest with himself, he can't think of anything in the entire universe that would make him angry at Phil during what sounds like a panic attack.

"Maybe I stole your space cereal," Phil jokes, poking Dan's thigh with his toes.

Dan wants to say that he wouldn't be legitimately angry over cereal, that he's never been more than irritated by it, that he plays his reaction up for his own entertainment, that almost anything he buys is for Phil too, but all that seems too serious for the moment.

Instead, he cracks a joke and changes the subject so he can make Phil smile for a little while longer.

It happens so slowly that Dan doesn't even notice until it's already out of hand.

They've been back from Reading for a week, and Phil has been acting weirder than usual the entire time. Dan didn't see this as a reason for concern, because sometimes Phil is weird for no reason, but when he catches Phil eating his cereal and the first thing out of Phil's mouth is a frantic "sorry!" instead of his usual squawk of "don't look at me!", Dan gets concerned.

"Phil," he says slowly, running a hand through his bedhead and trying to act more awake than he is, "I don't actually give a fuck if you eat my cereal."

"You don't?" Phil immediately puts his hand back into the box, the little shit.

"I mean, it's annoying, but you looked like a startled deer just now," Dan says around a yawn. "I'm not going to yell at you."

An emotion passes over Phil's face too fast for Dan's tired brain to categorize it. Phil shrugs a shoulder and looks back at the box of Crunchy Nut like he's deciding whether or not he wants to eat more.

He's been like this all week, careful and anxious and avoidant, and Dan doesn't know what to do. If he confronts Phil about it, Phil will just deny everything and try too hard to be normal - Dan remembers 2012 vividly - but he doesn't want to encourage this behaviour either.

"Are you alright?" he asks, hoping the simple question won't spook Phil.

"What d'you mean?"

"I mean... you're being weird."

"I'm always weird, Dan."

Dan decides to drop it for the time being. The last thing he wants to do is push Phil further into this weirdness by interrogating him.

"How did you sleep?" he asks instead, noticing the way Phil's shoulders relax when he changes the subject.

"Pretty good, thanks," says Phil, "my dreams were boring but, like, peaceful."

It only takes a bit of prompting from Dan before Phil gives him a play-by-play of his dreams, and since they're as boring as advertised, Dan lets himself zone out and worry about Phil on his own time.

Phil doesn't get any less weird after that, but he tries harder to cover it. Since Dan is a good friend, he pretends like he doesn't know that Phil is still jumpy and anxious underneath the bad jokes.

Honestly, it sucks. Dan wishes that Phil would just open up and say what's on his mind so they can both move on.

That is, until Phil freaks the fuck out.

See, they've been looking at bigger places to live for a few months now, but they have time until their lease is up so they're in no rush.

Dan gets a notification for an available duplex a few weeks after he tried getting an answer out of Phil, and it looks confusingly laid out but otherwise a good fit. It's exciting, but he hesitates before texting Phil about it - does he really want to play the 'everything is normal' game while meeting a potential landlord? For all he knows, Phil is going to come across as a serial killer.

Instead, he texts Louise. She responds with more emojis than characters, but agrees to check the place out with Dan.

The duplex has so much room that Dan has a startled moment of bewilderment. Does he own enough furniture to fill this place? Before he can voice the concern, Louise waves him off with an easy, "Stop worrying, you dingleberry."

"I'm not worried," Dan lies.

Louise rolls her eyes and starts snooping in the closets. "Oh, blimey, can I keep some of my things here?"

"No," says Dan, although he's sure that at least one of his closets will be taken over by Darcy's old toys and Louise's heels. "Me and Phil need the storage for all our miscellaneous shit."

"You could always, I don't know, get rid of some," Louise suggests.

"Maybe during the move we will," Dan allows, gently guiding her out of the closet before the landlord gets concerned.

Aside from a few awkward moments - inevitable, with Louise at his side - Dan thinks that the tour goes really well. He likes the space, the road is blissfully free of loud noises, and the landlord doesn't immediately think he's in adult films when he mentions where lights could go.

Dan likes it so much that he's reluctant to leave, but Louise reminds him that he isn't the only person whose opinion on the house matters.

"You know Phil has to live here too, right?" she says with a laugh when Dan starts asking pointed questions about when the place will be empty. Dan makes an exaggerated huff of a noise.

"He'll take what I bring home and he'll like it."

The landlord gives them an indulgent smile. "We can arrange another day for you to bring your boyfriend by, see if he likes it here?"

"Sure," Dan says automatically, trying to ignore his heart beating faster and Louise staring a hole into the side of his head. He knows that a Talk is coming. "I'll talk to him about it tonight. Thanks for, y'know, having us."

Dan hopes that ignoring Louise on the way to the tube will delay the Talk, but Louise is not easily deterred.

"Boyfriend, eh?" she asks in a lilting voice, elbowing Dan in the side.

"Shut up, it was easier than explaining."

"I actually think that it wouldn't be hard to say 'Phil's my friend and roommate'." Louise, he thinks, sounds far too amused by this situation. "Now if you get the place, your landlord will think you're a couple the whole time!"

"Would that be so weird?" Dan asks. "I mean. It's what people already think when they meet us, and sometimes I forget that we aren't."

Months ago, Dan had said the same thing to Mark; he doesn't expect Louise to react much differently.

"Well, duh," Louise says matter-of-factly, "because you love him."

Dan almost walks into a telephone pole. "Excuse me?"

"Don't be daft, you light up every time he comes in the room," says Louise. "Plus, I can feel your heart rate speed up."

"You can... feel that?"

Wrinkling her nose, Louise shakes her head. "Maybe sense is a better word, but your emotions are so much louder when Phil's around. It's given me migraines in the past, you know."

"Exactly how many of my friends have magic powers and why don't I?" Dan exclaims. He resists throwing his arms in the air dramatically, but only just.

"Ooh, who else?"

"That isn't the point! What the ever-living fuck, Louise? You can sense emotions?"

"Only really strong ones," Louise says with a shrug, like that isn't a big fucking deal. "That's how I know when you do something awkward that makes you want to die - honestly, I thought I already told you this!"

"If you did tell me," says Dan, "I would have assumed you were joking."

Louise rolls her eyes and pulls out her phone as if Dan is boring her. "That sounds like a you problem, then."

She changes the subject when they get to busier streets, chattering about her new boyfriend while Dan, once again, re-evaluates his entire worldview.

So, Phil freaking the fuck out.

It takes Dan by surprise, because Phil seems excited by the prospect of more storage and less drilling, but he tenses up as soon as they walk inside the duplex. The landlord doesn't notice, busy repeating the same things that Dan has already heard and gesturing at all the closet space.

Dan doesn't want to draw attention to Phil's weird stiffness, so he makes idle conversation until the landlord leaves to take a phone call.

"Are you okay?" he asks, reaching for Phil's arm.

It's one of the most bewildering moments Dan has ever experienced - and that includes recent magical discoveries - when Phil jerks away from his hand like he's going to be burned.

"I don't - I don't -" Phil stammers, his eyes wide as saucers, "- I mean, it's that - I know this place."

Dan feels useless with his hands at his sides. "Did you see it online?"

"No, I - in my dreams, I -"

It clicks.

"Phil, are you panicking because you had dreams about panicking here?" Dan asks slowly. He doesn't want to laugh or show any irritation in case it makes Phil's hands start to tremble even more, but this is a little funny and a lot annoying. "You know that's such a catch-22, right?"

The look of absolute distress that Phil gives him says that yes, he knows that very well, but he doesn't seem to be able to stop hyperventilating.

Dan sighs and runs a hand through his own hair, letting his fringe do whatever it wants when he does.

"Okay, mate? I'm going to tell the landlord that you aren't feeling well and that we're leaving so that you can have a panic attack in peace. I'm not in any way leaving you alone because I'm mad or because I hate you, alright?"

Phil gives him a shaky thumbs up before covering his face with both hands and making audible attempts to breathe deeply.

The last thing Dan wants to do is leave Phil alone like this, but he does. He doesn't want a potential landlord thinking that they're batshit, after all, so he relays the not-feeling-well lie and comes back to lead Phil outside by the elbow. Instant relief washes over Dan when Phil allows the physical contact.

"You're so weird," says Dan.

He means it to come out as exasperated yet still fond, keeping grip on Phil's elbow for his own peace of mind, but something about Phil struggling to breathe evenly has Dan sounding unexpectedly soft.

To his surprise, Phil huffs a breathy laugh. "Thanks, I think? And thanks for, um, not leaving me alone for long."

"I told you that didn't sound like me," Dan says, squeezing Phil's arm, "you've been trying to avoid a fight that was never going to happen, you absolute knob."

Phil laughs again, loud and genuine. He's starting to sound more like his regular self, so Dan lets go of him to hail down a taxi. It would be silly to put his hand back immediately, Dan thinks, because if Phil's panic attack is over, he has no real excuse to continue touching him. He opens the taxi door for Phil and clamps down on every instinct that wants to help him in - Phil is thirty years old and capable of getting into a car on his own, thanks ever so - and folds his own hands on his lap once they're both buckled in.

"I quite liked that place, actually," Phil admits. He's twiddling his thumbs, and Dan is proud of himself for not putting his hand atop both of Phil's to make him stop. "Do you think they'll let us come back?"

"They seemed to like me," Dan says, because making a good first impression is a point of pride.

"Maybe they'll only rent to you, then," Phil says in the cadence of a joke.

Even though Phil is finally himself again, Dan can hear the uncertain edge to his words. After all, neither of them need a roommate anymore.

Dan looks out the taxi window so it doesn't feel like an admission when he says, "No, we're a package deal. The landlord knows. Honestly, I'm pretty sure everyone knows."

There's an eerie silence from Phil beside him, but Dan focuses completely on the scenery changing to more familiar buildings. The cabbie isn't paying attention, thank the lord, so Dan isn't completely mortified by having this conversation in front of a stranger.

He's still slightly mortified.

It feels like an honest-to-God jumpscare when Phil puts his hand on Dan's knee and squeezes - Dan is pretty sure the noise that startles out of him isn't human.

Phil laughs, not unkindly, and leaves his hand there. "Yeah, I suppose we are."

"You're not acting weird anymore," Dan observes later that week as they wait for a Sims lot to load.

"No, you were right about that dream," Phil says with a sheepish smile. "You didn't get mad like I kept expecting you to, but be honest - you were definitely annoyed."

"Of course I was annoyed, you made yourself panic," Dan says with a fond roll of his eyes. He hates when the fantastic is logical, but the evolution of Phil's dream makes a lot of sense; at first, Dream-Dan was worried, and then got angrier as Real-Dan learned about the dream.

Phil elbows him in the side. "Shut up."

The game loads, then, so they stop discussing it and lose themselves in Dil's world for a while. It isn't until Dil becomes 'VERY ANGRY' that Dan remembers he wanted to share some information with Phil.

"Right, you've been acting so weird that I completely forgot to tell you," Dan says, pausing the game. "Did you know that you aren't the only person with weird powers?"

"It would be pretty egotistical for me to think I'm the only one, Dan."

"Shut up," says Dan, "Louise can feel other people's emotions."

The look on Phil's face is totally worth springing this on him. He goes through a whole face journey, starting on pure shock and ending in something that looks strangely nervous.

He looks away before Dan can analyze the expression further, pointing at the computer scene. "Like - like, she can see when people are focused or inspired, like we’re all Sims? Dan. Dan, that's terrifying."

"She said it only worked with strong emotions," Dan laughs, batting Phil's hand away from his monitor so he doesn't leave finger smudges.

"Do you believe her?" asks Phil.

Do you believe me now?

Dan gives a noncommittal shrug, his first instinct to being asked an opinion, and adds, "Yeah. You've both made a pretty compelling case for magic being, like, a thing."

"What did she feel off of you?" Phil asks curiously, and Dan accidentally-on-purpose presses the pause shortcut so their attention can be consumed by their odd little virtual family again.

Dan assumes that if Phil asks Louise anything personal, Louise will keep her mouth shut. He has a lot of blackmail material on her, after all, and friends don't tell people that a friend is feeling Things without consulting that friend.

As the month comes to a close, though, Phil starts pretending he can't find his dream journal and gives Dan looks when he thinks Dan isn't paying attention. It's nerve-wracking.

Luckily, Phil is his regular self aside from that. Dan lets himself revel in how good it feels to have his best friend in top form and cracking decent bants again.

He wants to ask Louise if she's spilled the beans on what are certainly misunderstood feelings, but he's a little scared of the answer. If he doesn't ask either of them, Dan can pretend that everything is back to normal and that he isn't hyperaware of his own body every time Phil touches him.

To make a joke of it all, Dan texts Markiplier without context that he finally understands how Schrödinger felt, because Mark and Louise are the only ones who have an inkling about this situation.

From Mark: Dude, it's 5am here. Shut the fuck up and tell Phil how you feel.

To Mark: that's not what i'm talking about

From Mark: Ohhh, so you ACTUALLY have a maybe-dead cat in your apartment? That's so weird. Maybe you should call someone for that.

To Mark: you're enjoying this too much

Mark, the twat, leaves Dan on read - presumably to go to sleep - and Dan hovers over Louise's contact photo before groaning and opening Tumblr instead.

It's best if he doesn't know. He's pretty sure a cat inside a box is eventually going to die.

I should examine this, probably, Dan thinks as another casual brush of Phil's fingers causes his heart to jump into his throat. He doesn't particularly want to end up facedown on the floor, so he decides he'd rather play Mario Kart.

Unlike their brief attempt to buy a house, which went sideways in the worst way, signing a lease at the new flat is deceptively easy.

Phil is talking the landlord's ear off while Dan reads the paperwork over and tries to look like he knows what he's doing. He has uni flashbacks at the legal buzzwords, but he tries to focus instead of interjecting in all of Phil's stories and questions. It's working relatively well until Phil has to ask, "Are we allowed a dog?"

"No," Dan answers before the landlord can, tapping a line in the lease. "Sorry, Phil, a dog will have to be got when a house is bought."

He notices that Phil looks a little disappointed but not surprised, and he wonders if that's because Phil anticipated this downside of renting or if he had a dream involving their lack of pets.

"Fair enough," Phil acquiesces, squeezing the back of Dan's neck casually.

Their new landlord smiles at them and Dan is feeling quite good about this whole situation until they ask, "So, how long have the two of you been together?"

"Excuse me?"

Phil doesn't sound offended or even bewildered, just curious. It makes sense; they get mistaken for a couple quite a lot. For his part, Dan is trying to become invisible by melting into the sofa, because he knows that their landlord's assumption isn't coming from nowhere.

"Sorry to pry," they say politely, "Daniel mentioned that the two of you have lived together a while, and I do enjoy a good love story."

Dan hopes that the floor is going to open up and swallow him whole. He feels Phil's gaze but refuses to meet it, face burning.

After a couple of seconds - during which Dan contemplates death or, at the very least, running away to Tokyo - Phil returns his hand to Dan's neck and easily says, "Eight years."

With a mortified noise, Dan hides his face in his hands and tries to ignore the heavy thumping of his heart. Their landlord is saying something else, probably asking what the fuck is wrong with Phil's boyfriend, but all Dan can pay attention to is the weight of Phil's hand and the sound of his genuine laugh in response to whatever question he's asked.

"He's just embarrassed because he hates telling people how we met," Phil stage-whispers. "He basically stalked me online until I noticed him."

"Oh my God, I hate you," Dan groans into his palms.

"No, you don't," says Phil cheerfully.

New landlord chuckles before a phone rings and they have to leave the flat to take the call, murmuring an "excuse me". The silence left in their wake is horrible, and Dan thinks that he's never going to come out of the safety of his hands again.

It takes a few minutes for Phil to move his hand from Dan's neck; honestly, Dan is expecting him to laugh or ask questions that Dan doesn't have answers to, but Phil just takes Dan's hands in both of his and gently pulls them away from Dan's face.

"Did you tell our landlord that we're a couple?" Phil asks, his voice lilting strangely on the last word.

Dan nods, biting his lip. He can feel the heat of an ugly blush radiating off his face, and he has genuinely no idea how he's going to explain this away.

"Why?"

It's a simple question, and certainly a fair one - anyone would want to know the answer - but it stumps Dan. He'd done it because the landlord had assumed, but seeing as most of the people they meet have the same assumption, the logic doesn't really hold up. He could say he'd done it ironically, which he thinks that Phil might accept as an answer, or a joke, which he thinks Phil would disapprove of.

He could say a lot of things, but they all feel like lies. Dan looks down at where Phil is holding his wrists between them on the sofa so he doesn't have to make eye contact when he answers, "Sometimes it feels more like the truth than saying we aren't."

"I guess I can see that," says Phil. To Dan's absolute bewilderment, his voice is calm and his hands aren't shaking. Dan's are. "Tell me something else, then? What do you want to be the truth?"

That... is a less simple question.

"Dunno," Dan shrugs, because he can feel Phil watching him and he doesn't want to take too long to answer. "I never really thought it would be a relevant question."

"Well, do you still want to live with me?" asks Phil. The question is filled with such genuine concern that it startles Dan into looking up to shoot Phil an incredulous expression. He's not prepared for how close Phil is, even though personal space has long been a myth between them.

"Of course I do, you fucking buffoon."

A corner of Phil's mouth curves upwards and Dan tries not to show how nervous he is, because Phil is still weirdly calm.

"Okay, okay," says Phil, squeezing Dan's wrists before letting go, "we should sign, then."

Dan had completely forgotten what they were doing before Phil asked if he wanted to be in a relationship, so he's grateful for the reminder. He skims the rest of the lease as thoroughly as he can with Phil watching him.

There aren't any surprises in the paperwork, which Dan is grateful for - he isn't sure he'd be able to debate with the landlord in his current state. He signs quickly and hands the pen to Phil as their new landlord walks in, pocketing a phone.

"You're all set?" the landlord asks with a smile.

"We are," Phil answers for them both. He stands up and shakes the landlord's hand, making small talk while Dan forcibly drags his gaze away from Phil.

He doesn't know what he wants. It should be easy, sorting through his feelings and deciding yeah, that's how I want things to be, but there are serious downsides to any decision Dan makes right now.

Ruining their friendship would be unacceptable, but honestly, Dan doesn't think anything he says will make Phil stop being his best friend. It would just be awkward if Dan wanted something Phil doesn't - and why didn't Phil say what he wants, so Dan isn't freaking the fuck out and wondering? - it wouldn't be the end of the world.

Dan thinks it would be pretty damn close to the end of the world if they tried, failed, and had to dance around each other as awkward exes. That's the darkest timeline, right there.

Or maybe it's not.

Phil is gesturing for Dan to leave with him, smiling widely, and Dan considers what would happen if nothing changed between them. It's certainly the path of least resistance, but as Dan stands up and Phil leans into his space out of sheer instinct, Dan has to admit that not addressing the way his heart reacts to Phil is the worst option on the table.

The landlord says things and Phil says things back, but Dan isn't listening. He's too busy forcing himself to imagine Phil moving out, Phil getting a dog without him, Phil finding someone else to share his life with, because that's what best friends do.

By the time they hail a cab to their terrible current flat, all Dan can say for sure is that he really, really doesn't want to do nothing.

Phil is quiet for once, looking out the taxi window and letting Dan have space to think, and Dan is so fond and so sure, at this moment, that he reaches out and puts his hand over Phil's.

It only takes a moment before Phil registers what he's doing. He grins so damn brightly that Dan hates himself for not considering his options before this.

"Is this your final answer?" Phil asks, affecting a silly announcer voice to lighten the moment.

Dan snorts and says, "Yeah, alright."

It's all he can manage out loud right now, but Phil beams at him and turns his hand over so they can wind their fingers together properly. It's not the first time they've held hands, but it's the first time it's meant something so important.

Things could still go so wrong. This might not work, and things will be awkward, possibly forever.

Dan, well. He chooses to hope for the best here.

"Did you dream about this?" Dan thinks to ask during a commercial break. Phil is curled into his side, lanky giraffe legs thrown over Dan’s lap. It should be weird, since they've never cuddled quite like this before, but Dan feels warm to the core. "Us, I mean. Is that why you hid your journal?"

"I didn't hide it," Phil lies, "I lost it."

Dan huffs his disbelief and pinches Phil’s thigh. "You can tell me. In case you didn't notice, I'm not going to mind."

The grin Phil shoots him is almost shy, which tugs at Dan's heartstrings. He smiles back and runs his fingers through Phil's hair, because he can.

"Does it really matter what I dreamed?" Phil hums, leaning into Dan's hand like a cat. "I've had dreams about us for years, to be honest, but I could never figure out if they were premonitions or just, like, wishful thinking."

"You weirdo."

"Your weirdo," counters Phil. The words are a bit stilted, like he isn't sure if Dan wants to hear them, and Dan can't help himself - he presses his lips to Phil's, quick and chaste and easy as breathing. He'd worried that maybe it would take a while for them to be comfortable with kissing, but honestly, it feels like the natural progression of their relationship.

Phil grins and chases Dan's mouth as he leans back, pressing light kisses all over the bottom half of Dan's face until Dan is laughing breathlessly.

"Okay, fine, you're my weirdo," Dan says as Phil smooches the tip of his nose. "Now shhh, the show is back on."

#phanfic #phanfiction #dnp fic #words words words

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selfcallednowhere · 5 years

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March 6, 2018, Eugene, OR

Pictures

This was my first time going to a show at this venue, which is to be expected since it was my first time being in Eugene at all. It was all right--smallish, which can be nice.

The initial banter when they first came on stage was also about the venue. Flans said that because they've been touring for 30+ years he always has trepidation when saying they've never played somewhere before, but he was pretty sure they'd never played here before. He said they had played in Eugene before, but the last time they did they were touring in an Econoline van. He said they did a college show and were "doing eightballs of cocaine and heroin."

They once again opened with "Pencil Rain," followed by "I Palindrome I," both of which were cool to see again. Then John picked up the contra-alto clarinet, and Flans said they wanted to remind people that the show was going to be featuring it. John: "'Remind' is a strong word. Notify." Then Flans informed us that it was not the contra-alto clarinet that could be seen on signs put up by the local high school saying one was missing.

JF: We don't even know that custodian! JL: I did take one of the pull-tabs with the phone number to say that I don't know where it went.

Then Flans said the thing again about how they'd be playing two sets, and we should treat them like an opener and hold our applause till the second set. "Talk to your friends about how we're like They Might Be Giants but not as good."

Then he said the thing he also keeps saying that makes me so sad about how they'd be playing new songs and we should just pretend we like them. Then he said Joe Franklin had told them "It's all about sincerity, and if you can fake that, you can do anything." Then they played "All Time What" and then "Damn Good Times" (both fantastic as per usual).

Then they were starting to play "James K. Polk," and John was talking during the intro. He said that on the album he mispronounced the name of this state. "But I'm here to make amends. That's why we're here." He pronounced it correctly as he sang (like he normally does, so it was only notable because of him calling attention to it) and people cheered. Afterwards Flans said, "Well played. They were buying it." John said again that he said it wrong on the album, and then said it the incorrect way, and people booed. "Yes, let's let the dirty laundry air." Flans said that when people ask them how to get to Houston St. (pronouncing it like the name of my hometown and not the name of the street in Manhattan) they just tell them where it is, and John said they give them directions to Texas. Then Flans said that's a New York joke that doesn't really work here.

Flans asked John how his day was, and he said he went to a coffee shop that he couldn't remember the name of. Flans said he went to a bagel shop where the wifi password was "bagelbagelbagel," and John said he would've guessed only two "bagel"s. Then Flans said he'd tried to go to some shoe store called Shoeaholic but he got there just as they were closing, and that he'd wanted to beg them to let him in by telling them "I've hit my rock bottom." John: "I think you've bought enough shoes, John Flansburgh."

Then Flans said they were about to play two songs from their new album, and that before the show they'd been "doing shots of truth serum" and so he could tell us that it's "so much better than it has to be." Then he said this is their 20th album, and when they were making their 18th they'd looked at the list of other bands' 18th albums on Wikipedia and found a surprising number of good ones, but he thinks this one stand alone as the only quality 20th album.

The two new songs they played were "Mrs. Bluebeard" and "I Left My Body," both of which were great (I suppose at this point I don't even need to note the fact that John did mess up the lyrics on the former though).

After "Your Racist Friend," Flans said that he wants to "dedicate my performance to the people standing directly next to my amp. I have a lot of dreams, and one of my dreams is to never have to stand directly next to my amp. I don't want to leave a permanent memory on your left ear. And I noticed you were having a conversation, which seems impossible. I'm making a dedication to long-term hearing loss."

Then Flans was introducing Curt, who was standing at the back of the stage. John said it makes him feel self-conscious when people are standing behind him, cos it feels like they're looking at his hands as he plays his keyboard. "Am I folding my thumb under the right way? Is my total ignorance of technique that obvious? The answer is yes." (Awwwww John, I'm sure you're fine darling!)

Next they played "Turn Around," YES YES YES. There was some quality JL spazziness adding to the usual amazingness of the song.

Next they did "Spy." During the part where they were just playing the song normally (before the improv section I mean) John kept lifting one arm up into the air after he played something--I'm not really sure why, but it was cool. He played the "Here Comes Santa Claus" sample during the improv part when he was conducting again.

Afterwards, Flans was complimenting how well we did the part of the song where he directed us to cheer. "That was nimble. Sometimes it's like directing a dinosaur in hospice. That was delicious."

Flans introduced "When the Lights Come On" by saying it's "relentless," which is a good description. He also reminded us that "Dan Miller's fingers never leave his hands." The song was rockin' and terrific as usual.

Afterwards, people were smoking pot (annoying me as it always does, not because I have any problem with pot in itself but I just hate the smell). Flans: "The pot smell begins. And once the pot smell begins it will never end." He said it smelled like cheap pot, and "this is the HiFi. There are standards." Then he told that one story that's immortalized in the one TMBG Unlimited recording, about how there was a time when they kept smelling cheap pot at their shows but then one member of their crew left and they suddenly stopped smelling it.

Then he said that it reminded him of the next song, and he wanted John to introduce it. He asked John something about making a Laugh-In reference and John said he didn't want to. Then he said that they're older than the rest of the band and they've gotten into fights with them about whether Laugh-In was funny, and that it's like being a parent and defending something you don't really believe. Flans said that it was like saying George W. Bush wasn't really that bad, and that he was, it was just easy to forget, like a scar on your hand is easy to forget. Then John said that he did remember the Laugh-In reference he was supposed to make. Flans: "Jesus christ! Show business professional!" John said he was just confused from all the pot smoke, and he was struggling to find oxygen molecules. Then he said the next song was from a TV show that was on before Laugh-In. The song was "The Mesopotamians" (as expected, since I'd seen him do this joke before).

Before they played "This Microphone," Flans was talking about the percussion thing Marty plays during it that looks like an orange. He said that it was a real orange, and Marty had lanced it with a drumstick and replaced the pulp with magic beads.

Afterwards Flans said that for being a sold-out show in a small venue it was surprisingly comfortable, and that usually at this point in such a show they were puddles on the floor begging for the A/C. John said some people want to see that, and Flans said they were trying to change their reputation of just being puddles.

They once again closed out the first set with "Hey, Mr. DJ, I Thought You Said We Had a Deal" into "Birdhouse in Your Soul." TOO MUCH ROCKIN'. I CAN'T HANDLE IT. No seriously it is an amazing way for them to end the set, but I'm not kidding about all the excited boppin' around and really really enthusiastic singing along I can't stop myself from doing on both those songs having an intense physical effect on me. I guess I should just be grateful I then got the whole between-sets break to recover.

So then after the break they came back for the Quiet Storm, opening with the contra-alto version of "Older" as per usual. Afterwards, Flans said that even though this was an acoustic set Marty had "opted in with the limitless noise potential of the electronic drums." Then he made him play whatever that bit of that Phil Collins song he keeps making him play is.

After that they played "I Like Fun," then Flans started to introduce "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too." He said the hostility of the song is "comforting," because it means people being that way now isn't new, and that things suck right now, but they will get better.

Before "Shoehorn with Teeth," Flans said that Marty was "abandoning his electronic drums manifesto of the last five minutes and returning to his vaudeville roots." He also said that the bell Marty was playing came from the same high school that had put up the signs for the missing contra-alto clarinet.

Then something really funny happened. Flans said John should move over cos he wasn't in the light enough (which he wasn't). John said it's hard to light him when he has his accordion on, because it creates shadows on him. Flans: "The accordion is like Dracula." Then some girl (not me, I swear!) yelled "IT'S SEXY" and John said "No it isn't," which was the part that amused the hell out of me because of course he was DEAD WRONG. Then he said "But thank you for saying that" but did not exactly seem sincere--I think he was rather uncomfortable honestly so that made me feel bad for him, but yeh I was still really amused. But I did also have this feeling of wishing it hadn't happened at a show I was at because I figured anyone who knew about it and knew I was there would figure it was me and I would never do that (I had the same feeling a time I was at a different show and some girl threw her bra at him).

So then they played "A Self Called Nowhere" and y'know, the usual--really really intense and emotional for me, the best part of the show, etc etc.

Flans introduced "How Can I Sing Like a Girl?" by saying it was "about being in chorus."

Next they did "Istanbul." During the crazy jam part at the end, John spent some time playing (using the word "playing" loosely here) his keyboard with both his fists and also with both his hands entirely vertical.

Flans introduced "Bills, Bills, Bills" by explaining how the AV Club Undercover thing works. He said that they'd given them a list of songs "that should never be recorded or even talked about again." He said they'd first done "Tubthumping" but they weren't going to play that tonight. "It's too exciting. It's too exciting for our crew. It makes them burst into tears." Then he said after that they'd covered a Destiny's Child song, which forced them to grapple with the fact that Destiny's Child is a much more popular band than they are. He said they'd considered becoming a band whose entire act was just performing this one single Destiny's Child cover. Then he said they were going to keep performing this song both cos they'd taken the trouble to memorize it and cos it always spreads joy.

So they played that one and then "Particle Man." Then:

JL: We spent our formative years in the greater Boston area. JF: I don't know if you've ever played lacrosse. I've had lacrosse played at me. JL: You've been played by lacrosse. JF: Lacrosse is like it's the end of days and civilization has broken down, and there's still an organized way of killing people. That's basically what lacrosse is like. JL: That's basically what the greater Boston area is like.

So then they of course played "Wicked Little Critta" [insert swooning over all the video closeups of John's hands on the Kaoss Pad and his keyboard here], then "New York City." Afterwards, some guy yelled "THEY MUST BE GIANTS!" Flans was amused--he repeated it and thanked him for saying it. Then he said that sometimes when shows are ending they're getting ready to leave and they'll hear the owner of the club come over the PA and ask everyone to give another hand for "Ain't They Giants," and they realize he cares less than anyone else there.

They closed the main set with a run of familiar but still always very fun songs: "Number Three," "Twisting," and "Doctor Worm."

When they came back for the first encore, John said they'd come back sooner than it had taken them this time. Then he said that next they were going to play a quiet song, and it was "inappropriate because everyone is all hopped up." The song they played was "Dead," which I was most certainly not going to complain about seeing, quiet or not!

I was hoping they were going to play "Don't Let's Start" next since that was the second encore song for almost all the shows I'd seen so far, but instead it was "Fingertips," which I know is always a big hit live, I've just seen it many, many more times than I've seen "Don't Let's Start" so yeh not as exciting for me at this point.

They closed the show with "The Guitar," which is definitely one of the all-time best show closers!

So yeh great show overall, and I had some personal excitement afterwards too--Marty gave me a setlist!!! This was my first time managing to snag one in an exceptionally long time. I also managed to get the show poster that had been hanging in the venue's front window, which also rarely happens and featured one of the new promo pictures I'm quite fond of, so that was also thrilling!

The all-important JL wardrobe report: For the first set he was wearing the same black long-sleeved shirt he wore the previous two nights (he always wears the same things over and over, but the same shirt three nights in a row is a bit much even for him), and then for the second set he was wearing that red-and-blue stripey t-shirt he really loves, which made me happy because I really love it too and think it looks fantastic on him.

#tmbg #show reviews

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danfanciesphil · 5 years

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too high (can’t come down) by @danfanciesphil

Suspending himself 7,000 feet above the rest of the world seems likely to be a sure-fire way for Dan to escape normality, and isolate himself for the foreseeable future. The Secret of the Alps, a small hotel tucked into the side of the Swiss mountains is too niche for most avid adventurers to have heard of, making it the perfect place for Dan to work as he sorts through his problems. Unfortunately, privacy is a coveted thing, and as Dan soon finds out, the hotel harbours one guest who values it more than most.

Rating: Explicit Tags: Enemies to lovers, snow, mountains, skiing, hostility, slow burn, secrecy, longing, repression, nobility, classism, cheating, eventual sex

Ao3 Link

Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

*Warning: This chapter has a mild reference to an eating disorder. Nothing graphic, and nothing more than a mention of past issues with it. But if you are easily triggered, maybe avoid this chapter.*

Three hours later, Kaspar is departing after a quick check around the hotel to see if anything needs repairing - “Little Dan, your handyman skills are excellent! You wound up Mona’s big ugly clock, and fixed all her trinkets! I am impressed!” - and then loading the cable car with around twenty large bags from the outside bins, which he does once a month.

“I am in for a smelly ride!” he shouts cheerily as he squeezes into the cable car amongst the bags, and waves to Louise and Dan as if he’s a child on a merry-go-round waving to his mum and dad. “See you soon, friends! Please do tell lovely Mona I think of her constantly, and send kisses upon kisses!”

Louise leads Dan back upstairs then, sits him down in a chair in the mezzanine, and brings him a freshly baked cupcake. He blinks down at the treat once it’s placed in front of him, pleased but bewildered.

“What’s this for?” He picks up the cupcake anyway, marvelling at the swirled peak of blue frosting. His mouth waters as he peels off the paper case.

“Well, I was hoping to get a smile out of you,” Louise says, pulling a chair around to sit beside him. She rests her chin in her hand on the table, and looks at him with obvious concern. “But perhaps I’m dreaming too big.”

Dan sinks his teeth into the cupcake. It tastes like sweet relief. “Unfghh,” he says, eyes falling shut. “Sensational.”

When his eyes reopen, it’s to Louise’s pleased smile, but her worry lines peek through, betraying her. “Was it that bad?�� she asks.

“Meeting Nikolai?” Dan asks, and wrinkles his nose, contemplating the question. “Meh. I’m used to dealing with snobby wankers at this point. Though he makes Phil seem like a peach.”

“No, not that,” Louise says. “Obviously he’s a Royal pain. Could you tell he doesn’t remember my name? He learns it once and makes a big show out of using it, but after that you’re less than dirt to him, though he tries not to let it show.”

“Dick,” Dan says firmly, then takes another bite of fluffy, crumbly goodness.

“But I meant the weekend, Dan,” Louise says, apparently not willing to let this drop. “I knew you could handle it, but I did worry. What with all the... friction between you and Mr Novokoric.” She pauses, eyebrow arched, perhaps to give Dan a chance to jump in, which he doesn’t, instead opting to finish off the cake. “Did something happen? Another argument?”

At her first question, Dan almost chokes, but is quickly placated by her second. He thinks about pretending that nothing whatsoever occurred, that they barely glanced at each other in three whole days, but decides quickly that it would be far less believable that things went totally smoothly.

He shrugs one shoulder, trying to exude nonchalance, then licks his fingers of crumbs. “Some minor disagreements. He called me bony.”

Best way to disguise a lie is to conceal it in truth. That’s what Dan’s always found, anyway. The admission makes Louise laugh, and mercifully she seems to relax. “Struck a nerve, did he?”

“I have a perfectly normal amount of bones, thanks very much.”

She titters again, then eyes him curiously. “Anything else? You were alone up here for three days together. I half expected to walk in on a crime scene.”

Dan can feel the traitorous blush creeping into his cheeks, and he shrugs again, trying to think of something that will appease her. Perhaps he should give her a small nugget of the real story. The shock of it might be enough all on its own to get her to ease off.

“We, uh, went skiing,” Dan tries. “Briefly.”

She balks at once, lipsticked mouth falling wide. “You what?!”

Okay, perhaps that nugget wasn’t the best one to choose. Dan winces at her obvious flare of anger. “I know it’s against the rules, but Phil’s super experienced. And anyway he practically dragged me out the door!”

“Do you even have skis?”

Dan hesitates, biting his lip. No point trying to backtrack now. “Phil lent me his new ones.”

A weighted blanket falls over the conversation then. It feels like Louise is scrutinising him, for some reason he can’t put his finger on. As if he’s accidentally revealed that he has gills beneath his shirt collar, and she’s spotted them peeking out.

“Did he now,” Louise murmurs. It doesn’t seem to be a question.

In the hopes of lifting the quilt of this weird new atmosphere, Dan decides a change of subject is in order. “Anyway, enough about me and dick-brain. How was it with Pearl?”

Despite her obvious reservations, Louise’s smile breaks through upon hearing her daughter’s name. Relieved to be off the hook for now, Dan listens avidly to Louise as she gushes about her little girl, about how she’s grown, about her predictable but adorable three-year-old interests - Frozen, My Little Pony, Peppa Pig, etc - and sits patiently smiling at photo after photo of the blonde toddler, beaming her gap teeth at the camera, ribbons decorating the wavy locks she inherited from her mother.

It starts getting dark eventually, he and Louise still talking about nothing much at all. It’s so pleasant, just sitting with her and laughing, bantering about life, sipping coffee and eating cupcakes, that Dan doesn’t even realise he’s stalling until Louise points out how long they’ve been doing just that. Reluctantly, Dan starts to extricate himself from the conversation, mind wandering to all the tasks he needs to accomplish. He hasn’t swept the balcony since the storm, and the lobby could do with a mop and tidy after all the hoards of people traipsing through it today.

“Oh, by the way,” Louise says, scooping cake crumbs off the table into her hand. “I don’t know if Mona mentioned, but as we don’t get a lot of opportunities to get into Mr Nov- I mean, Phil’s room, we usually snatch any chance we get as soon as he’s gone for any length of time.”

Dan sends Louise a puzzled look, and she chuckles.

“To change the bed and the bins and everything. He doesn’t let us do it normally. So might be an idea to go and give it a spring clean.”

“Ugh, do I have to?” Dan asks, dreading the idea of re-entering the scene of what feels like his very recent crime.

“You should go in just to have a nose around,” Louise tells him with a reticent grin. “You’ll never believe the size of his suite.”

Dan shrugs, picturing the untidy floorplan of room eight, already moving to the stairs. “The bed takes up most of it.”

He’s already up the second flight of stairs before he realises he’s probably let slip a little too much.

After three trips up and down the three flights of stairs, carrying dirty mugs, sheets, towels, and rubbish, Dan finally gets Phil’s room to a point where he can begin rebuilding. Phil Novokoric has the only King-sized bed in the entire hotel, so there are just two sets of bedding big enough to fit. After half an hour of searching, Dan is still unable to locate the second set, so he gives up, resigning himself to waiting until the sheets currently in the wash are clean and dry.

Knelt in Phil’s ensuite bathroom, scrubbing the glass pane of the shower, Dan is not feeling particularly warm towards the man. The bathroom isn’t dirty exactly, but it’s clear that it’s been a while since the sinks and bath have been properly scrubbed and bleached. By the time he’s done, he’s too exhausted to think about re-dressing the bed or lining the wastepaper bins. Instead, he goes down to Louise, wrung out and pissed off, to complain and beg her for snacks.

“I don’t know where you put them all,” Louise says as she hands Dan another cupcake - his third. “Phil’s right, you’re all bones.”

Dan shoots her a glare, but given that he has blue frosting smeared across his mouth, he doubts it’s particularly menacing. “He’s one to talk, he never eats anything. I practically had to force soup and pizza down his throat.”

She’s quiet for a minute, folding tea towels. “He ate soup and pizza?”

“Only after I yelled at him.”

Her mouth quirks. “What did you say?”

“Something like…” Dan tilts his head, trying to remember. The events of last night somewhat obliterated the rest of the day from his memory. “‘Starving yourself isn’t cute or impressive and I won’t be fired for your valiant attempt at martyrdom.’ Roughly.”

Louise stops folding, then leans against the counter. “And that worked?”

There’s something amiss in her tone. “Apparently. Why?”

She catches a strand of blonde curl in her fingers and twirls it. “I don’t know the extent of it, but I understand he has a tricky relationship with food. His brother, who used to be his PA, told me that once.”

Guilt lashes through Dan like he’s been whipped. “Oh. Shit, wow. I didn’t know.”

“I don’t think it’s as bad as it once was, judging from what Martyn told me,” Louise says with a shrug. “He only said something to me so that I wouldn’t push him to eat, or say the wrong thing. If you ask me, it was probably a sort of rebellion on Phil’s part, to do with all that awful Royalty training he had to go through. Can’t imagine the sorts of things they put him through.” She grimaces, and Dan replays some of the conversation he had with Phil last night, about nose jobs and personality bleaching. “You know, he told me once that they made him do something called ‘kidnap situation training’,” Louise says, clearly not noticing the anvil of guilt Dan’s struggling not to be crushed under. “They stage a kidnapping when he least expects it, take him to an unknown location and he has to get out of it using self-defense and mediation. And they use live ammunition to simulate reality. I mean, obviously they’re experts in avoiding actually shooting him, but can you imagine? It must be terrifying. And he has no choice. He’s forced to do undergo these crazy exercises because he married Nikolai so fast. He probably had no idea what he was signing up for, the poor kid.”

The impossible weight of the anvil buckles Dan’s knees. He feels himself crumble under its mass, slowly, and he has to discreetly grip the lip of the worktop to stop himself from slipping to the ground. Twenty-one, Phil had said. That’s how old he was when he was swept off his feet by a charlatan promising a life of love and luxury, and consequently forced through a complete physical and personal re-design, then locked away up a mountain. Is it any wonder he’s so moody, so snippy, so sad? And along comes Dan, griping and pestering him at every turn, telling him off for things he can’t help, for things he’s been traumatised by.

“I should…” Dan mutters, pushing away from the counter, only to wobble on unsteady legs. “I should get on. Lots to do still.”

“Are you alright?” Louise asks, slipping effortlessly into concerned-mother-mode. She lifts a hand to his forehead, and he shrinks away. “You’re all pale suddenly.”

“I’m fine,” Dan tells her, managing a tight smile. He walks briskly to the door. “Just… got a load to do before, um, before Mona gets back.”

“She won’t be back today,” Louise says, frowning.

Dan shrugs, already at the kitchen door. “Still. Best to prepare. See you later.”

“He’s alright, you know Dan.” Her voice is soft, careful. It makes him pause, halfway through the door. “He made a bad choice, I’d say, but he’s not completely without a brain.”

“A dick-brain,” Dan says half-heartedly, though he still feels wretched.

“Better than nothing,” Louise says.

Dan doesn’t know how to reply, so he nods, swallowing something acrid and bitter, then pushes out of the kitchen.

An unfamilar noise splits through the silent crackle of the night, burrowing beneath the thin skin of Dan’s light slumber, and waking him. His eyes are crusted and filmy with dried tears as he wrenches them open, and he scrubs a hand over them, sitting up. There is only one thought clear enough to articulate in the gloop of his viscous mind: why am I awake?

Blearily, he turns to the window, or the place he knows the window to be, given that it’s dark and his eyes have yet to adjust. Nothing seems out of place as far as he can tell. No ghostly movements in the shadows, or unusual shapes that might be demons lurking, ready to pounce. Of course, these things are impossible anyway, but Dan’s rational brain doesn’t like to be disturbed during the nighttime hours. He listens for a good minute or two, ears straining against the thick blanketing silence; faintly, he thinks he can make out muffled movement from downstairs.

He sighs, thinking of Louise scuffling about, trying not to make too much noise, and reaches blindly for his phone. It’s two in the morning. Given that Louise often tells Dan she would rather watch her own legs be chewed off by ravenous wolves than disturb her slumber for anything less than an emergency, he thinks he’d better go and see what’s stirred her. As he peels back the duvet and drops his feet to the carpet, trepidation begins settling around him like a cloak. The more he wakes up, the more images his paranoid brain provides of possible situations happening below: Louise, legless and bleeding, at the mercy of an actual wolf. Some sort of mountain-dwelling-specialist burglar, currently hauling the TV down the floating stairs. A poltergeist, smashing coffee cups and tugging Louise’s curls. He’s barefoot, but it’s not cold in the over-heated hotel, so he pads out of the room and begins making his way down the stairs, wishing he’d thought to grab some kind of weapon on his way.

The shadows paint the wooden walls with hunched, crouching ghouls, warping the layout of the familiar building until Dan is disoriented enough that he has to pause on the lower landing and re-evaluate where he’s headed. Eventually he makes it to the mezzanine, and the moonlight streaming through the balcony windows illuminates things a little better. Dan looks around, thinking idly that he’s likely to find Louise in the kitchen, if anywhere. He starts towards the door, and stops suddenly, heart lurching into his throat as he catches sight of a shape curled in one of the beanbag chairs, large and too bulky to be a stray blanket.

As his eyes adjust, he’s sure he can make out the form of an actual body, and has to swallow a scream of terror. Luckily, as he’s spent the past few days staring at or thinking about a certain sweep of jet black hair, the specific hue of pale skin and big, long-fingered hands, he recognises the blob in under a second. He has to blink a few times to be sure he’s not hallucinating.

“Phil?” he asks once he’s relatively certain this is not a mirage.

Eyes flick open, and that brilliant blue shines out, caught in the wash of moonlight. “Dan.” His voice is barely a croak. He moves sluggishly into a more upright position, as if his limbs are weighted, and presses his palms to his eyes. “Ugh. Di’n’t wanna wake you up.”

Ignoring the urge to unpack that statement for now, Dan decides to tackle a more pressing confusion. “What are you doing here? How are you here?”

“Plane,” Phil says vaguely, floating a hand in the air above his head, as if Dan needs a visual aid.

“You’re supposed to be in Milan,” Dan says, utterly bewildered.

As his eyes adjust, he can see Phil is in a suit and tie, somewhat creased now, but still obviously expensive and posh. He doesn’t appear to be wearing a coat, which is concerning. Had he walked from wherever the plane landed to the hotel without one? And even then, how he got inside is a mystery. It occurs to Dan that he’s pretty sure he didn’t remember to bolt the front door, which answers that he supposes, but the rest is still completely up in the air.

“Yeah,” Phil sighs, shoulders slumping, “couldn’t bear to be parted from you, I guess.”

Despite the typical sarcastic response, there’s something off about his words; they’re all bumping together, the consonants jostling for position. It occurs to Dan that Phil’s probably drunk, as he’s been at some fancy event, and he doubts the snobs that put those together skimp on the champagne. Further interrogations can wait until he’s sober enough to speak some sense. It’s obvious that Phil is not capable of looking after himself right now, so Dan needs to get this man into bed. He contemplates how best to do this, chewing his thumbnail.

“I stripped your bed earlier,” Dan tells him in a sigh. “Your room’s not ready for you.”

“S’fine,” Phil says, toeing off his loafers and leaning back into the beanbag. “I’ll sleep here.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Don’t be a prat. Just wait here a sec while I get the bedding.”

He descends into the dark lobby, shivering from something that doesn’t feel like cold, then ducks into the tiny laundry room to retrieve the sheets he’d washed and dried earlier. He folds it all up diligently - though not very neatly - and puts it all into a basket to bring back upstairs. As he passes through the mezzanine lounge, he inclines his head as a signal for Phil to follow him up to the top floor.

Dan walks slowly on account of his weak ankle and the dark, but he can hear Phil’s plodding, unsure footsteps behind him, careless and clumsy. Dan wonders how fast the other man’s mind is spinning, and wishes he had another set of hands to help keep him steady.

“Not far now,” Dan reminds him in a low voice, because they’re approaching the floor where Louise sleeps. “One more set of stairs.”

“Thank God you’re here, I almost forgot,” Phil mutters, though his words are so slurred that the contemptuous remark loses its potency.

In a way, it’s almost soothing to know that Phil is still lucid enough to deride him. They reach the top floor eventually, Dan’s arms aching and his ankle throbbing. He’d left Phil’s door unlocked earlier, so he pushes it open now and heads straight for the bed. Phil ambles in afterwards, moving to switch on a lamp on the bedside, which offers some yellow light that glosses the moonlight pouring in through the huge windows.

Dan sets to work immediately, pulling off the pillows and duvet in order to cover the mattress with a clean sheet. Given the size of the bed, this is no easy task, and the corners spring off twice in his haste. To his surprise, Phil begins attempting to help, moving sluggishly, but managing to hold the corners in position.

They work together silently, dressing the pillows and even stuffing the duvet into its cover. By the time it’s done, Dan’s about ready to drop, but he can feel the weight of responsibility on him right now, along with that anvil of guilt Louise heaved on his back earlier. It’s not something he can just shrug off, so despite the fact his shift doesn’t technically start for a few hours, and Phil is supposedly not his problem yet, Dan finds himself going to Phil’s small kitchenette area and finding a glass. It looks a bit smeary, but otherwise fine, so he takes it into the bathroom, rinses it out and fills it, then brings it out to Phil, who is now sat on the edge of his bed, shoulders hunched forwards, face in his hands. He still doesn’t look up to giving the full explanation Dan wants to drag out of him, so it will just have to wait until tomorrow. Not that he’ll be any more forthcoming then - he certainly doesn’t owe Dan any explanations if he doesn’t want to share.

Given that there’s no point in attempting to pry answers out of him at the moment, Dan places the glass on Phil’s bedside table and studies the man in front of him, deciding how best to approach the task of getting him into bed. Probably best to start with removing his uncomfortable outer layers, Dan decides, and reaches for Phil’s suit jacket, which he then begins shoving awkwardly down his arms. As he works the material over Phil’s biceps, Dan vaguely notes Phil’s head lifting, blue eyes squinting at him curiously.

After a moment or two, Phil asks, “um, what are you doing?”

“As fun as it would be to watch you attempt to struggle out of your clothes in your inebriated state, it’ll be a lot quicker if I help,” Dan replies, managing to pull the garment off him.

He turns to fold the jacket carefully over a chair, then spins around to find Phil fighting a smile. Dan ignores it, reaching for Phil’s shirt buttons, some of which are already undone. He works efficiently, keeping his mind focused resolutely on the action of slipping the round discs of plastic through their respective holes, and not anything about the soft, pale skin beneath slowly revealing itself.

“Dan?”

Dan tuts, wishing he’d just shut up and be helped without argument. “What?”

“I’m not drunk,” Phil says.

Dan’s fingers still. Phil’s shirt is almost entirely open, revealing the length of Phil’s lean torso in a long, deep ‘V’. “Yes you are,” Dan says stubbornly.

Phil shakes his head. “Not even slightly.”

“But... you were at that event,” Dan tries, though his stomach is squeezing, and he can already feel the blush creeping into his face.

Belatedly, Dan realises then that he’s got one knee on the mattress beside Phil’s left thigh, and the other nestled between Phil’s legs, almost pushing into his crotch. He’s essentially in Phil’s lap, methodically undressing him. For some reason, this incriminating position doesn’t seem to be anything other than mildly amusing to Phil.

“Yeah, well after about a minute of watching Nikolai schmooze a bunch of CEO’s and their wives, I knew I had to make a break for it at the first opportunity.” He shrugs; one of his hands rests absent-mindedly on Dan’s knee, like he’s not even aware of the action. “Can’t fly drunk, so I avoided the free schnapps.”

“Fly drunk...” Dan tries to process this information, and fails. “You don’t mean- you flew the plane up here?”

The corner of Phil’s mouth twitches. “And here I thought I was running out of ways to impress you.”

Dan stares into Phil’s eyes - they’re bloodshot and drooping, but the pupils are small, the irises bright and clear. He’s not lying, Dan realises. He’s stone cold sober. Too caught up in the embarrassment of having tried to undress and basically straddle a man who was totally capable, the information Phil is feeding him - that he apparently can fly planes, that he’s been trying to impress Dan of all things, that he’d escaped from Nikolai’s side to come back here at 2am - is enough to have Dan totally flummoxed. He attempts to leap backwards, to extricate himself from Phil, but Dan being who he is, trips and stumbles.

Though sluggish and inalert, Phil somehow still manages to catch him before he lands on his ass. He tugs Dan sharply forwards, and he ends up falling front-ways instead, pushing Phil until he’s toppling backwards, both hands coming down to bracket Phil on the bed.

“God, you’re insatiable tonight,” Phil jokes as Dan attempts to scramble off him, mortified. “Relax,” Phil laughs, though it sounds numb and hollow. “I’m not under any impression that you’re actually that unable to resist me.”

“Sorry, fuck,” Dan says, flushing, having rolled off Phil smartish. “I’m barely awake right now, and I thought you were sloshed and-”

Phil throws him a tired laugh. “Not sloshed, no. Just exhausted. Can barely see straight.”

Dan’s heart is jackhammering, but one look at Phil, sprawled out on his fresh bedclothes, eyes half-shut, tells Dan that this is a lot more than exhaustion. He can joke that watching Nikolai hobnobbing with a load of posh gits is enough to send him running for the door, but if Dan had to guess, he’d say something happened at that party. Something bad enough to have Phil finding the nearest plane and pointing its nose straight back up the mountain he loathes being stranded at the top of.

“Well yeah, I’d imagine,” Dan replies carefully. “Round trip to Milan and back in less than twelve hours?”

Phil doesn’t answer; Dan wonders if he’s fallen asleep. He dithers, shifting, and the mattress bounces Phil up and down.

“Don’t,” Phil mutters.

“Don’t what?”

A pause. Dan’s ears strain to hear the response. When it comes, it’s almost a whisper. “Don’t leave.”

To spare Phil the humiliation of explaining himself given his current state, Dan just nods to the otherwise empty room, and shuffles to the edge of the bed. He gets up to plump the pillows, then pulls back the duvet. He turns to prod Phil in the leg.

“Get in, then.”

When Phil immediately begins moving in accordance with Dan’s instruction, Dan tells himself it’s because he’s so tired that he’d do anything he was told. Once he’s beneath the covers, Phil shuffles around a bit until he’s shucked off his trousers, which he then pulls out in a magician-like reveal, and throws to the ground. Dan picks them up, and folds them across the chair with the jacket. They’re still warm.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dan asks as he slides in to the other side of the bed.

“No,” Phil says half into the pillow. He sounds seconds away from unconsciousness, which is promising. Then, quietly, he says, “if you’re really gagging to know, I suggest you check the news.”

Given that Dan himself is about five years away from getting any sleep, he reaches into his pyjama pocket for his phone and opens his news app. He doesn’t even need to use the search bar. Right there, on the front page, blares the headline:

‘SIR NIKOLAI’S HUBBY THREATENS DIVORCE IN SHOCKING DISRUPTION AT CHARITY EVENT’

Dan scrolls down, already alarmed. Granted, the newspaper this particular headline belongs to could probably be best described as a tabloid, but he hasn’t the patience to look for a more reputable source of information just yet. He reads quickly, eyes darting along each line like he wants to get it over with all at once.

‘...came as a surprise to us all when Swiss bachelor Sir Nikolai Novokoric announced his marriage to Philip Lester, a Manchester-born student he’d known for less than a year. The two lovebirds married in a secret ceremony in early 2016. After a few months of being snapped canoodling at various parties and events, Sir Nikolai pulled his new man out of the spotlight, and he’s barely been seen since.

Last night at the annual European Young Person’s LGBTQ+ charity event was the first public sighting of Sir Nikolai’s husband in some time. Evidently, due to the shockingly dramatic stunt Philip pulled during his husband's speech, this absence might be the sign of trouble in paradise between the young couple.

“It’s bloody hypocritical!” Philip spat into the microphone once he’d pushed Sir Nikolai aside [see video below]. “He’s getting an award for being this charitable gay icon, but he’s exploiting his own sexuality.”

As you can see in the video, there was little chance for him to finish his impromptu rant, as he was quickly escorted off stage by security. He did however shout, as he was being pulled out of the building, that he intends to file for divorce. We’ve yet to pin down Sir Novokoric for a responding comment.’

Beneath the wall of text is a video, taken on someone’s phone by the looks of things. Dan’s thumb hovers over the play button, heart pounding. Does he really want to see this?

“Go ahead,” Phil says from beside him, making Dan jump. He’d assumed the other man was asleep by now. “The rest of the world’ll have seen it in a few hours. Why not join them.”

Dan hesitates for less than two seconds, then locks his phone, placing it on the bedside table. “I don’t go in for that tabloid bollocks.”

There’s a moment where Dan thinks Phil might smile, but he just rolls over again, fringe falling over his face. “I was dumb,” he sighs. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Somebody needed to,” Dan replies sniffily, thinking of Sir Nikolai’s irritating winks. “I mean, if you’re right about the exploitation,” Dan clarifies quickly. There’s no use telling Phil that he has a personal dislike for his husband. “That should be brought to people’s attention, if it’s true.”

“Well of course he’s exploiting himself,” Phil says. “And me. And anyone who identifies as gay or bi. He’s pretending he’s the Ellen Degeneres of the Swiss Royal family, happily married to his true love, when he’s actually in the Bahamas, shagging anything that moves - male or female.”

“Well, if it’s male or female-”

“Don’t,” Phil cuts in, tartly. He sits up, pushing a hand into his hair. “Are you really gonna argue, to me, that just because he’s bi, and he’s up front about it in the media, that he still deserves to be heralded as some admirable icon for the LGBT community? Why is it that just because he fancies blokes as well as girls, everyone can look past the fact he’s married? Don’t the public give a shit about what I might feel? It’s all so creepy, the way everyone pretends he’s some Saint, looking the other way when he’s caught snogging models on beaches. He’s a sociopath if you ask me. He doesn’t fuck people based on real attraction like everyone else - for him it’s all about who can get him the most publicity. Who would look best next to him in the paparazzi photos, or in the leaked sex tape.”

Dan is only able to glean bits and pieces from Phil’s rant at a time; the slew of information is startling, as is the sheer loathing coating each sentence. One thing Dan does catch though, are those last two words. “...you and Nikolai have a sex tape?”

Phil throws him a withering look, but there’s a tinge of amusement tucked into its far corner. “Not the point, Dan.”

“Sorry.” Dan sighs, sinking back into the pillows, mind spinning as it attempts to process everything. Dan doesn’t know the other side of it, has never paid attention to the public’s fawning over Nikolai, so perhaps he’s biased, but everything Phil is saying makes a worrying amount of sense. “Seems like he’s an absolute bellend,” Dan says, succinctly summarising his own responding feelings. He can hear Phil snort with laughter, and it’s nice. “Way I see it,” Dan continues, slowly allowing his words to shape around his developing stance on the matter. “He shows up here after months of nearly no communication, expecting you to play along with his plans, go right back to being the perfect little house-husband. If you ask me, it’s his own fault. Anyone in your position would have been fuming, ready to explode at the drop of a hat.”

“Yeah, but other people would probably have exploded in private,” Phil sighs, picking at the duvet cover. “You don’t get it. I’ve been in this world for a while now. I should’ve known better than to blow my lid on a damn stage like that, in front of all the press. Now the world will be on Nik’s side, and I’ll be the trashy scumbag that Kanye’d his acceptance speech and broke up with him in front of a live audience.”

Dan is silent, contemplating this. Instinctively, he reaches out and places a hand over where he thinks Phil’s knee is. Phil stares at the hand, perplexed, then turns to look Dan in the eye.

“Do you think I’m an idiot?” Phil asks, eyes round.

The bits of Dan that still reverberate with hurt from all his mean comments, and a disgust for the bourgeoise in general, tell him to say yes. Dan thinks he could say yes, if he were crueller, if he didn’t think he’d throw up after watching the glacier-blue eyes in front of him fill with tears. It’s perfectly reasonable to argue that Phil’s been an idiot since the day he put on that bloody ring.

But it’s too late. The pieces of Dan that started, days ago, to warm to Phil, to understand him, to sympathise, now form the majority of Dan’s being. He wonders if it was the same way for Phil, back in the first weeks of knowing Nikolai, as that charming grin and laser-focus on just him began chipping away at his resolve. Dan hasn’t much experience in love, but he’s beginning to suspect that even with every scrap of common sense you have at your disposal, pretty much anyone is in danger of being a complete idiot.

“No,” Dan says truthfully. He remembers Louise’s words from earlier. He made a bad choice, I’d say, but he’s not completely without a brain. She’s a lot wiser than she gets credit for. “A dick-brain, sure. But you’re not stupid.”

“I feel stupid right now.”

Dan lifts a shoulder in a half-shrug, searching for a bright side of this gloomy looking cloud above Phil’s head. “At least he can’t pretend that everything’s fine between you now,” Dan tries. “You announced to the whole world that you’re unhappy. Puts him in an awkward position if he tries to just brush it under the rug.”

Phil cocks his head, looking at Dan as if he’s never seen him before. “I didn’t think about that.” He turns away slowly, eyes unfocused as he settles back down into the pillows. “Maybe there’s a way out.”

“Get some sleep,” Dan advises, noting the exhaustion in Phil’s voice. “It’ll all seem better in the morning.”

“Mmm,” Phil says, eyes already closed.

“Can’t believe you Kanye’d him,” Dan marvels, trying to picture it. He notes the twitch of Phil’s mouth, and laughs softly. “And you weren’t even drunk.”

“They should give me a medal for not chugging a bottle of Greygoose, listening to Nik talk about morality and political change like he has any clue,” Phil says, sighing heavily.

“How’d you resist?” Dan asks affably, hoping to send Phil into dream in a lighter mood.

“Just kept thinking...” Phil mutters, trailing off.

“Thinking what?”

“Thinking that if I just didn’t drink... if I could hold on and hold on...” he breathes a long sigh, mouth falling slack, and whispers, “I could fly back to you.”

(Chapter Twelve!)

#phan #phanfic #too high #enemies to lovers au

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doomedhowell · 5 years

Text

Stick Together For Survival

Summary: Dan and Phil are not what you would call friends. The only reason they interact with each other at all is because they both work at Jurassic World. One day, a dinosaur breaks out of containment which forces Dan and Phil to work with each other.

Genre: AU, Fluff

Word Count: 3,018

Trigger Warnings: Jurassic World spoilers, swearing

Thanks so much to @mmmeatglass for beta’ing this fic for me!

A/N: Yes, another Jurassic World au because I’m obsessed with this movie!

[READ ON AO3]

The day starts out pretty normal for Dan, as normal as it could have started, anyways.

Dan’s been working at Jurassic World for five years. He works with the Velociraptors and trains them, and he absolutely loves his job. Of course, it would make his job a whole lot easier if he didn’t have to fear for his life every single day at the park. But, that’s what he signed up for. Literally.

Jurassic World has officially been opened for about two years to the public, and so far, there’s only been a handful of accidents, and Dan personally thinks that’s impressive for being on an island full of dinosaurs and thousands of people. A whole lot could go wrong at any given moment.

Then, there’s Phil Lester, Dan’s enemy. The two have never gotten along with each other since they started working together at Jurassic World. Phil thinks that he’s better than Dan just because he works higher up at the park. He practically controls everything. Most people adore him, but not Dan.

“Oh, hey Dan,” PJ quickly catches up with Dan. “Lester is supposed to be coming by later today.”

“What?” Dan looks over at PJ, frowning. “Why? He never comes by the Velociraptor paddock.”

“Apparently, that’s why. He wants to check and make sure everything is going well,” PJ tells him.

“Great,” Dan mumbles. “He’s going to find something wrong with what I’m doing and then he’s going to report it and get me fired. That’s exactly how it’s going to go down today.”

“Dan, come on. Why do you think Lester hates you?” PJ asks.

“I don’t think it. I know he hates me,” Dan scoffs. “We went on one sour date, and then we find out that we’re working together. Phil loves to make my life miserable whenever he gets the chance.”

“You two went on a date together? I never knew that,” PJ raises his eyebrows.

“Like I said, it was a sour date. It was a horrible mistake. We have nothing in common,” Dan says.

“Nothing in common?” PJ laughs. “Dan, you literally work with him at the same park.”

“So, what? That doesn’t mean we have anything in common with each other. He’s all about that stupid techy stuff. All he cares about is making money. Meanwhile, I actually care about my Raptors.”

“Speaking of,” PJ smiles as they reach the Velociraptors paddock. “How’re they doing today?”

“So far, so good. Blue’s getting better each day. I did one-on-one training with her yesterday,” Dan says. “The others need some work still, but we’ll get there. It just takes time is all.”

“Blue’s special,” PJ says as they watch the dinosaurs.

“She always has been. Right from the start,” Dan says. “Alright boys, it’s feeding time.”

Of course, Phil shows up as the pig is being released into the paddock. Dan tries his best to ignore him, but it’s kinda hard when Phil is watching him like a hawk. Dan can only pray nothing goes wrong.

As Dan looks away, he hears shouting. He quickly looks back and sees someone being pulled into the paddock. His eyes widen when he sees the young man hit the ground.

“Shit,” Dan curses. He quickly runs up to the gate and opens it.

“Dan, no!” PJ yells as Dan runs into the paddock.

Dan runs up to the Raptors. “Don’t shoot! Hold your fire!” He yells at the men with guns.

“Dan!” PJ yells, trying to get the trainor’s attention.

“What the hell is he doing?” PJ hears Phil ask from behind the gates.

“Blue, stand down,” he warns as he holds his hands out, keeping his eyes peeled on the pack of Raptors in front of him. He knows that if he makes one wrong move, he’ll be dead. “Charlie, hey!” Dan keeps a hard stare on all four Raptors. “Peej, shut the gate.”

“Are you crazy?” PJ yells as his eyes widen.

“Shut the gate!” The young man who fell shouts at PJ.

PJ hesitates for a second before reaching over and pushing the button, the gate starts closing.

Dan stares at the Raptors, slowly backing up. He quickly turns and dives under the gate before it closes. He sighs in relief, closing his eyes. That could have ended horribly, but it didn’t.

“You’re crazy, Howell!” PJ exclaims before pulling him up from the ground.

Dan chuckles, and dusts himself off. “Yeah, some would say that.” He looks over at the new guy. “So, you’re the new guy?” He helps him up off the ground.

“Yeah… just started a couple days ago,”

“You ever wonder why there were job openings?” Dan asks, raising his eyebrows before turning around. He sighs when he sees Phil staring at him. “Something I can help you with, Phil?”

“Nothing in particular. I’m just having a look around. Although, I must say I’m impressed, Howell,”

“Impressed?” Dan asks. “Why exactly are you impressed?”

“I know they call you the dinosaur expert and all, but I didn’t know you had those skills,” Phil says.

Dan stares at him, finding it hard to believe that Phil Lester is freely complimenting him. “So, what then? You’re not going to comment on how I fucked up with that guy getting in the paddock?”

Phil chuckles. “I can, if that’s what you want me to do,”

“Well, no. But, it’s unlike you to just compliment me. You’re normally chewing my head off,” Dan says.

“Dan,” Phil sighs and shakes his head. “I’m not going to yell at you. Besides, I know it wasn’t your fault. It’s that guy’s fault, because he wasn’t being careful enough. People could have gotten seriously injured because of his careless mistake.” He crosses his arms against his chest.

“Oh good, glad to know that you do care about your employees,” Dan mumbles.

Phil rolls his eyes. “I have work to do,” he says. “Don’t let anymore accidents like that happen.” He turns, and walks away without saying another word to Dan.

Dan sighs, and runs a hand through his hair. That could have gone so much more worse.

However, it’s not long before Dan gets a call from Phil, which almost never happens for obvious reasons.

“What do you want?” Dan asks when he finally answers the phone, pacing slightly back and forth as he looks down at the raptors in the paddock. “I’m kind of busy right now.”

“Dan, can you stop for a second? This is important,” Phil says in a serious tone. “We have a big problem, and I need you to come down to the control room immediately, please. You know that I wouldn’t be calling right now you unless it was something really important.”

Dan instantly stops his pacing, frowning slightly. He doesn’t like the tone of Phil’s voice. He’s obviously worried about something big which is making Dan a little nervous. “Uh, okay. Like, right now?”

“Yes, now, and be careful on the way here. Bring PJ for backup if you must,” Phil warns.

“I don’t like the sound of that, Phil,” Dan says nervously. “Alright! I’ll be there in a moment.” He hangs up, and then he looks around the area for PJ. “Peej, come on! We have to go see Phil!”

“Why?” PJ shouts as he looks up at Dan from the ground.

“Phil called me and said he needs to see me immediately,” Dan says as he rushes down the stairs. “And, he said to bring you for backup. It doesn’t sound good whatever it is.”

“Shit,” PJ mutters before quickly following Dan to his car. “What do you think this is about?”

“I have a hunch, let’s just hope that I’m wrong,” Dan replies, and PJ doesn’t question it.

Dan and PJ finally make it to the control room, and make their way up to the observation room.

“What the hell is going on?” Dan asks as he walks up to Phil.

Phil looks up at Dan. “We have a dinosaur out of containment,” he explains. “We needed backup.”

“You have a dinosaur out of containment?” Dan asks, his eyes widening with shock. He glances at PJ before looking back at Phil. “What type of dinosaur are we talking about?”

“Indominus Rex,” Phil says, biting his lip nervously. “So, yeah… the situation is pretty urgent.”

“What the hell is an Indominus Rex?” Dan asks, throwing his arms up.

“Exactly what it sounds like, Dan. It’s our first genetically modified dinosaur,” Phil sighs.

“You just went and made a new dinosaur? Probably not a good idea,” PJ mumbles.

“I’m going to have to agree with PJ on that one,” Dan says before nervously walking over to the window, looking around inside the dinosaur paddock. He glances over and sees claw marks on the walls. “And, what exactly are you planning on doing? You’ve got twenty thousand people on this island…”

“You think I don’t know that?” Phil asks with frustration. “Are you gonna help, or what?”

“Maybe we could use the Raptors,” PJ suggests, instantly earning Dan’s attention.

“What?” Dan asks, blinking a few times. “Are you crazy? What are we gonna use the Raptors for?”

“Dan, listen to me before you start protesting,” PJ walks over to him. “You have a bond with those Raptors whether you want to believe it or not. So, with that, we can use them to hunt down the Indominus Rex, and you can lead them, and make sure they’re alright.”

“Yeah, it’s definitely worth a shot,” Phil nods in agreement as he looks over at PJ. “I mean, we don’t really have a lot of time to come up with another plan here. Because, while we are a couple miles from the park, it won’t take long before she makes her way there, and that’s what we don’t want.”

“Fuck,” Dan curses as he runs a hand through his hair. He doesn’t want to put his Raptors in danger, but he also knows that if they don’t go through with PJ’s plan right now, there are going to be a lot of people in extreme danger which is honestly more important at this point. Dan turns to look at Phil. “Alright, fine. But, if my Raptors are hurt during this process, there’s going to be hell to pay.”

“Don’t worry Dan, I’ll make sure my men don’t hurt your Raptors,” Phil tries to assure him.

Dan is not happy about this plan, but it’s not like he has any other choice.

“What do you mean there are still people out in the valley?” Dan suddenly hears Phil shout, snapping him out of his thoughts.

Dan looks over and sees Phil talking to one of the workers.

“Well, get them out of there!” Phil yells, before rolling his eyes. “Whatever. I’ll do it myself.”

“Hey, where are you going?” Dan asks, quickly grabbing Phil before he can walk out of the room.

Phil turns and he looks at Dan, taking a deep breath. “Sorry, but I have to go. My nephews are still out on the Gyrospheres, and I need to go find them before they’re hurt,” he says, before storming out.

Dan sighs and runs a hand through his hair, hoping PJ won’t be too upset with him for abandoning him, especially when there’s a dinosaur on the run. “Shit,” Dan curses to himself before quickly following Phil. He has no idea why he’s helping Phil at this point, considering their relationship hasn’t been exactly great.

“You didn’t have to do this, you know? PJ probably needs you more right now,” Phil says as he and Dan power walk through the valley, trying to catch up with the Gyrosphere that Phil’s nephews were on.

“I’ll deal with PJ later. You can’t be by yourself while there’s a dinosaur out of containment,” Dan says.

“I believe this is the first time we’ve had a civil conversation with each other,” Phil says, grinning.

“Don’t ruin it,” Dan’s unable to stop himself from rolling his eyes playfully.

They finally come across a Gyrosphere, but no kids. “Is that theirs?” Dan asks when he spots a phone on the ground, and then Dan watches as Phil falls to his knees.

“No, no, no…” Phil mumbles as he grabs the phone with shaking hands.

Dan desperately looks around for a sign of hope that the kids made it out alive, and then he gasps when he sees fresh footprints on the ground. They did make it out alive. “Phil, hey, look!” He nudges Phil and points to the footprints on the ground. “Footprints. They made it out.”

Phil looks over and sighs in relief when he sees the footprints. “Oh, thank God,” He stands up. “Come on, we have to follow them!” Phil exclaims, grabbing Dan’s arm and following the footprints.

The footprints lead them to a cliff, a waterfall, to be exact.

“Oh my God, they jumped!” Phil exclaims, throwing his arms up. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Yeah, but... I’m sure the Indominus Rex didn’t jump in as well, so it means that they’re still alive and probably heading back towards the park as we speak,” Dan tries to reassure Phil.

“Well, come on. Let’s go then,” Phil says, turning and walking away.

Dan sighs loudly. “More running. I need to start going to the gym,” he mumbles before running after Phil. “Did you think how we’re even going to find them once we get to the park?”

“I haven’t gotten that far yet,” Phil admits. “I just hoped we would spot them right away.”

“That doesn’t help,” Dan says. “I don’t even know what they look like. What are their ages?”

“Um, one is taller, and the other one is shorter,” Phil tells him. He looks over and blinks a few times when he sees that Dan’s stopped walking. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You mean to tell me that you don’t even know what you’re nephews look like?” Dan asks.

“What? I know what they look like. I saw them earlier. It’s just, uh, been a few years since I’ve seen them, so excuse me for not knowing what their ages are” Phil defends himself.

Dan rolls his eyes. “Whatever you say,” he says, before continuing walking.

Phil huffs and shakes his head before following Dan.

“Oh, shit,” Dan says when they near the park, and his eyes widen when he sees that the park has been overrun by pterodactyls. “What the hell? We weren’t even gone for that long!”

“This is not how I pictured this day to go,” Phil mumbles as he stares with shock. “Come on! Stay close, please. I don’t want you getting eaten by a bloody pterodactyl.” He quickly grabs a hold of Dan and then they run towards the park. It’s an absolute madhouse when they finally arrive, and Phil wonders how they’re ever going to make it out of this alive, and all he can think about is where his nephews are.

Dan looks around and then he reaches over and he grabs a gun that he sees lying on the ground, and starts shooting the pterodactyls. He knows there are more than they can handle, but it won’t hurt to help.

“Zach! Gray!” Phil shouts as he spins around, hoping to spot his nephews. He looks over just as Dan is being knocked down by a pterodactyl. Phil gasps and then he grabs the gun Dan had previously, and shoots multiple times at the pterodactyl until it finally falls to the ground. He sighs in relief, and then he bends down and helps Dan up. “Fuck, Dan. That was a close one. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for that, by the way,” Dan says, blushing as he looks up at Phil.

Phil stares at him for a moment, and then he leans closer to Dan, pulling him in for a passionate kiss, forgetting about the screaming people and pterodactyls around them.

Dan pulls away from the kiss and gasps, looking at Phil with wide eyes. “I- I thought…?”

Phil can’t help but laugh at Dan’s reaction. “We have a lot to talk about,” he whispers.

“Uncle Phil!”

Phil looks over when he hears someone shouting his name. He gasps when he sees Zach and Gray running towards them. “Zach! Gray!” He yells, instantly running over to them. “Thank God, you’re alive. You’re okay? Your mother is going to kill me when she finds out about this.”

“Yeah. We’re fine,” Zach assures him, letting out a sigh.

“We just went through hell trying to find you kids,” Dan says, though his tone is playful.

“You’re alive. That’s all I care about,” Phil chuckles. “Come on, we need to get you somewhere safe, and then we need to check with PJ about how things are going with the Raptors.”

“Shit! I forgot about my Raptors!” Dan exclaims. “We need to go. Now.”

“Okay, and we’re going. Boys, stay close,” Phil warns as he looks at his nephews.

****

Dan sighs as he paces back and forth, finally allowing himself to relax after the stressful and tiring day they all had last night. They almost got eaten by a dinosaur multiple times, and he’s done more running than he has in his entire life. But, they made it out alive by some miracle. That’s all Dan cares about.

“Hey,”

Dan looks over and smiles a little when he sees Phil walking up to him. “Hey. How are the kids?”

“Fine. Their parents just got here,” Phil tells him. “We’re just waiting to get home now.”

“What are you going to do? I mean, this park was practically your whole life,” Dan says.

“I honestly have no idea,” Phil mumbles as he shakes his head. “I- I don’t want to give this place up, but... I know that they’re never going to allow it to be re-open again after last night's events.”

“Yeah,” Dan mumbles, looking down. “So, what happens next? What do we do now?”

“We should stick together,” Phil says, smiling a little as he pulls Dan closer. “For survival.”

#phanfiction #phanfic #phan #au #fluff #crossover #enemiestolovers #oy #work

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phanfictrashalex · 5 years

Text

01:00

The day finally came that Dan was waking up to an alarm again. It was his first day back to school since winter break. Going back was something that he hadn't been looking forward to since he got out.

He knew that he could probably get a better job with a school degree, but sometimes he was to the point where he wanted to completely drop out of school and find some shit job.

Dan liked to learn, that wasn't the problem. The problem was the people in his school the teachers and the students. He liked school up until high school started.

He always had people that he could talk to and hang out with, but when high school started that all changed. People started to change they began finding new friend groups and altogether ditched Dan. They probably had something going on in their lives, or that's what he told himself not wanting to dwell on it too much.

Dan wasn't too introverted. He didn't have to always be alone, but to mentally be able to handle a large crowd of people he had to have space for a few days so he didn't go completely insane.

High school became one of his worst nightmares whenever his dad left, he felt as if it was his fault.

It was 7 that morning, and his mother was yelling at him to get out of bed reminding him that he had school.

He finally got out of bed after 5 minutes of her poking at him to get up. He finds what clothes he is going to wear, a white t-shirt, black skinny jeans, his black converse, and a leather jacket to go over his shirt.

Dan gets out of the house by 7:30. He had to walk to school, but he wouldn't count it as the worst part of his day. Getting there was. Having to hear whatever drama went on over winter break, and their teachers yelling at them for whatever reason they can think of. It was the worst at times, and this is the reason that Dan didn't want to go back.

He puts on music as he tries to drown out the world around him for as long as he can before getting to school. After a 10 minute walk, he finally gets there.

It wasn't the fact that he was popular he wouldn't change that for the world. It was the fact that he didn't have any real friends. Most people came and stayed for his fame and popularity.

He was glad that it wasn't like his elementary school days. Those were the days when he got bullied the most. Anymore he was the one who was known to kick someone's ass if they tried to pick on him. People would make fun of his height, his hair, and his dimples. Anything they could think of they would use as an insult. It was quite tiring so he was glad when he did move.

The goal when he did move was to get on everyone's good side, the teacher's, the kid's, and become the popular kid. At this point, Dan started to straighten his hair because he didn't like his naturally curly hair.

This was another reason he didn't like going to school. He had to put on a character, be someone that he wasn't. He had to always get good grades, dress nice, straighten his hair, be this person who did all of these things. When in reality, all he wanted to do was go home and look on tumblr and stop having to put on an act for people to like him.

If putting on an act meant that he didn't get called a faggot every day, he was okay with it. The thing was, he wasn't even gay! He had never had a homosexual thought in his life. He didn't know where people were ever getting the assumption that he was gay to begin with.

It was time for class to start. Everyone gathered into a room and got taught the same thing one class after the other. It wasn't that he didn't like learning, it was the fact that he didn't like learning the same thing over and over again.

The teacher started speaking, Dan not really paying attention, all he wanted to know is what they were doing so he could get it over with. He didn't care that it was the day after winter break and everyone was probably exhausted.

Finally, after 20 minutes of lecturing them about getting more sleep and behaving, they got their assignments. This happened in every class that day, even getting lectured before lunch and reminded the rules.

"Hey what's up?" Chris turned to Dan and asked him.

It was currently lunch, everyone was talking at the top of their lungs to hear one another.

He shrugged at Chris, "Nothing much, would rather be at home though,"

Everyone in their group laughed at that and agreed. "I'm sure everyone wants to go home right now. The amount of times they've repeated the same thing over and over again is getting annoying."

Someone new caught Dan's eye, they were a boy with blue eyes, black hair, very pale skin, and about the same height as Dan. He had to be new, Dan had never seen him before in his life.

"Do you know who that is?" Dan said, pointing in the boy's direction.

Chris and Pj turned around to look at him. "Yeah, he's in my English class," Pj said. "His name is Phil."

"He looks like he belongs in a garden or something; not in this hell hole," Louise replied with. Dan knew that she wasn't wrong, there was no way that he was going to last a day without getting attacked.

"Yeah, I think he'll find his way around though," Dan sighs, "He seems to be getting along with a few people anyway."

It was nearing the end of lunch, preparing to go to his last few classes of the day.

He got to his sixth-period class, and Phil was one of his classmates in that class. Their teacher gave them another lecture and told them that tomorrow they would be paired up for a project that they'd have to do.

Dan always hated projects like these, he was the one who did all of the work for the person to still get full credit for it when they did nothing to help. This was something that he was going to have to mentally prepare for all night, doing a whole project by himself that was probably going to be due at the end of the week on top of whatever other bullshit the teachers gave him.

By the end of that class period, he decided that Phil was too innocent to be in this school with these people. He was a grade ahead of Dan, taking some classes that he didn't take at his old school so he could get caught up and graduate.

When Dan got out of class, he was heading to his locker when someone stopped him.

Dan turned around to see that it was Phil, who might as well be called plant boy, standing in front of him.

"Hi- sorry, do you know where the health room is?" Phil nervously asked.

"Yeah, it's down the hall third door on your right." Dan thought he might as well be nice to him, he didn't seem like a complete dick.

After stopping at his locker; he made his way to his last class of the day, which was math. This was the only class that he had with Chris and Louise.

He saw them as soon as he stepped foot into the classroom. They were lucky enough to be able to sit by each other because they never would talk when the teacher was trying to talk.

They got yet another lecture, he was sick of them after the first two he got at the start of the day. He knew enough about the rules to not have to hear this for the seventh time that day.

When they finally got dismissed from class, he talked to Chris, Pj, Louise, and Cat for a little bit before waving his goodbyes and saying that he'd see them tomorrow. Dan then began his walk home. This was the time when he could breathe and think about everything that had gone on in school the previous few hours.

He finally got home, looking out of the window for a bit before starting on his homework that he had to do for the night. When he was looking out of his window, he saw that plant boy was walking into the house next door. So, they were neighbours, he knew that the house was for sale but didn't expect for anyone with kids around Dan's age to move into it.

This was going to be a fun few months, Dan thought. From that second on, it became Dan's task to avoid Phil as much as he could.

He sent a message in the group chat that he and his friends were in, 'You will never believe who my new neighbour is,'

'omg who is it?' Chis replied.

'You know plant boy or whatever his name is?'

'... You can't be serious'

'I, unfortunately, am being serious,'

Dan fell onto his bed, he knew that he had to get up in a little bit and do some of his homework, but the realisation that this boy is his neighbour for some reason scared him more than anything.

His mother came up, telling him that the food was ready. After eating, he went back upstairs and started on his hours of homework that he had to do. This was something that he was sadly used to, being in advanced classes was the worst at times.

Dan put some music on and started right away on his work. After about three hours he finally finished it and decided that it was time for him to get some sleep.

He looked out of the window for a little bit, looking at the stars and the moon. This was one of the things that really interested him, space. Everyone knew that he was like a genius when it came to be anything space-related.

These types of things normally relaxed him, taking his mind off of the world and everything going on around him. He could sit and just relax, not have to worry about homework or people at school.

He then finally laid down and went to sleep after a few hours of twisting and turning, even if he seemed like he was always hyper and had enough sleep, most of the time he never got enough sleep unless he was on break. Dan was always studying and trying to figure out his life, that's why on break he didn't want to see anyone for a few days. Needing the time to mentally recover from everything.

It was the next day, getting up and doing the same thing that morning as he did the last. Today he was finding out who his partner was for the project, Dan could only hope for someone who would actually help him work on it rather than sit around and do literally none of it.

He got to school and went on with his day as normal. What was unusual is, he saw Phil staring at him whenever he got the chance. It wasn't like they had many classes together, but whenever they passed by each other or saw each other in the halls he always caught him staring.

Dan found it rather intimidating, he wasn't gay. He wouldn't understand why anyone who is anything but straight would like him, a heterosexual, boy.

Even if Dan was gay no one would know that, but he's not. He had a record for sleeping around with girls before his ex-girlfriend. There were a few boys that he found kind of cute, but no one that he would date or sleep around with.

Although there was nothing wrong with being gay, he really didn't want Phil to be staring at him the way he did.

Phil just looked kind of.. soft. Dan knew that he was going to be screwed over for the rest of the school year, and he was going to have to talk to someone about it. For all of his upper elementary and middle school years he was always called "gay" and "fag," This was something that he was glad that changed when he moved schools at the start of high school.

He knew the person he could go to is Louise, she was always like a sibling or mother to him, and she always knew how to handle these types of situations. Dan messaged her to meet up at lunch, somewhere they wouldn't be overheard.

At lunch Dan was so happy to see Louise, this was something that was eating at him since he saw Phil the day prior.

Plus, it wasn't even like he knew Phil that well, he could be a serial killer for all he knew. He really just wanted to be friends with him, nothing else, that was something that he was positive of.

"What's wrong? You seem worried about something," Louise asked Dan when she saw him.

"We have to go somewhere else to talk about this, I'm not talking about it where other people can hear,"

They walk outside, to the side of the building where no one goes to. This is a place that they agreed would be the safest.

"I don't know what these feelings are," Dan sighed, starting to explaining everything. "It's almost like I want to smile every time I see this plant boy, and there's always this weird feeling in my stomach?"

"Dan, could you possibly have a crush on him?"

"No," Dan said, anger starting to boil up. "There's no way because I'm not gay," He knew that he shouldn't lash out at Louise, she's always so supportive of him and helps with anything she can.

"Alright, do you think you want to try and get to know him a bit better, and maybe be his friend?"

Dan nodded, "I think that might be for the best."

They went back inside before the lunch period ended to find Pj, Chris, and Cat at the table they normally sat at.

"Where were you two? We thought you were skipping the rest of the school day or something." Cat said, concern filling her voice.

Dan looked over at Louise and back at Cat, "We had to talk about something, I was having a bit of a crisis as usual."

She nodded, "Right," She didn't want to take that as an excuse, but she didn't want to bother him over it.

The next period was the one he had with Phil, and the one he was getting assigned partners with for a project.

"Right, so I've picked your partners for you." The teacher began to speak, most of the time Dan would ignore her but he didn't want to be paired up with some rude kid this time.

The last time he was paired up with someone he had to do all of the work himself and the kid never even showed up to help with any of it.

"Phil, you're paired up with Dan," He heard and looked over at Phil. Great, this next week or two was going to be wonderful for Dan.

Even if he wanted to get to know Phil, he didn't want it to be because they had to do some stupid project together. Plus, when it came to school work, Dan was an overachiever. Always wanting everything to go his way and he wanted everything to be perfect.

After the class ended, Phil found Dan and they started to plan out when they wanted to start on it.

"Right, here's my mobile number we can figure out times to do it after school or whenever if you want." Phil softly said to Dan.

Dan nodded and walked on to his next class, trying to get Phil out of his mind. He was straight for god's sake, for all he knew Phil could want to kill him.

#phanfiction #phanfic #highschool phan #highschool au #highschool!au

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omgdatphantho · 6 years

Text

Yellow Curtains

Summary: Dan feels like an outsider looking in; an alien in his own skin. He’s starting to question his sexuality and that’s made more complicated by meeting Phil. Nothing worth having comes easy; especially love.

Warning: Angst, Drug use/Drug references, Alcohol use/Alcohol references, Illusions to smut, Language, Phandom Big Bang

Word Count: 16.7k

A/N: Hello Lovelies! It’s finally here, my PBB 2018. It’s been a long journey, but I’m really happy with the end result. This story is based on season 3 of Skam. Skam is a Norwegian tv drama based around a group of teenagers. I highly recommend checking it out.

First, I would like to thank @fastforward-ty. Madison, you’ve been amazing. I couldn’t have done this without you. You brought a whole side to the story that I never have could on my own. I’m forever grateful for you.

Second, I would like to thank @michaelakindlova. Misha, you’re absoluetly amazing. You’ve been a cheerleader since you first read my summary and I thank you for it. Your art is awesome and I feel so lucky for it.

The third person I have to thank is @worriedpeach. Rachel, what can I even say about you? Without you, I wouldn’t be here. I’m thankful each and every day that I’m able to call you one of my friends.

Finally, I would like to thank all of my readers. I know that I haven’t been as active lately, but you guys never give up on me. For that, I’m so thankful.

Art

Ao3

Fanfic Masterlist

The bass thumps through the walls, causing them to shake slightly. Dan and his friends are holed up in the bathroom, passing a joint back and forth between them. Two girls walk in and the boys laugh. Dan can feel his mouth moving, but he’s too giggly to pay attention to what’s being said.

He blinks a few times and he’s one of two people left in the bathroom. The other is a girl with short, brown hair who appears to be slightly younger than himself. She places a white pill in her mouth and Dan kisses her, pulling the pill into his own mouth.

“I’m Emma,” she says as she starts to kiss down his torso, making her way towards his jeans.

“Dan,” he mumbles out. He lets her continue her movements for another minute before pushing her away. He knows that no matter how hard he tries, he won’t be able to get hard for her.

It’s a new thing Dan has been noticing lately. Females haven’t been giving him the same rush lately as they use to. When watching porn, Dan finds his eyes drifting towards the male. It’s something that causes him to squirm, not wanting to examine it very closely.

~~~

“Up and at ‘em,” Carter sings. Dan groans. The Sunday morning sunlight is doing nothing to help this pounding head.

“It’s too early for this,” Dan mumbles. Carter laughs and pulls the comforter off Dan’s head.

“Grumpy,” Carter says with a smile. Dan heaves himself up and stares at Carter with a blank expression. Carter’s smile widens.

“I made breakfast. Didn't want you to miss it. Hurry up,” Carter sways his way out of the room with a light smack to Dan’s leg. Dan groans and flops back onto his pillow.

The alarm on his phone goes off two minutes later. Dan quickly silences it. He unlocks his phone and notices two messages on his phone, one from his mum and the other from an unknown number. Dan taps on his mum’s message first:

I’m sorry things have become so strained between us. I look forward to the day we can go back to how we were. Love you, God Bless!

She must be having a good day, Dan thinks, exiting out of the message and clicking on the other; he wrinkles his nose.

Hey this is Emma. I had a great time last night! We should get together again ;)

Dan sighs. Somehow she got his number. He tries to think of who she was hanging with. Maybe Cara gave it to her. He drops his phone on the bed and smashes his face into his pillow.

“Come on! Breakfast is getting cold!” Carter calls from the other room. Dan groans as he pulls himself from bed. This is all too much for as early as it is.

~~~

Dan pushes through the throngs of people in an attempt to get to the center of the quad. He can see his three friends clustered together and he smiles.

“Dan! How was the hangover yesterday?” Jonas asks as soon as he spots him. Dan chuckles and shakes his head.

“Could have been worse, that’s for sure. It was nice to have a lazy day, though,” Dan confesses.

“Ah man. Mine sucked. I swear I was throwing up everything I ate in the last week,” Ryder moans. They laugh, and Alec shoves him in the shoulder.

“He’s exaggerating. He puked twice and was fine by dinner,” Alec states.

Ryder knocks his shoulder, “Dude.”They all bust out in laughter. A movement catches Dan’s eye. He turns his head slightly and locks eyes with Emma across the quad with a group of her friends. She smiles and waves. Dan nods his head and twitches his hand. He pushes his hand tightly against his leg.

“Who are you looking at?” Alec asks as he steps next to Dan, his eyes scanning the quad.

“Someone from a class,” Dan lies. He can feel Emma’s eyes on him, but he forces himself to ignore it.

~~~

A book drops onto the table, startling Dan. He looks up and sees Iman standing next to her seat. She doesn’t look too pleased, her mouth set in a hard line. Dan searches through his brain, trying to remember if he dropped an assignment or forgot a study session.

“Sorry?” Dan blurts out, confused. Iman raises an eyebrow and drops into her seat. Dan watches as she slowly retrieves her materials for class. Once done, she turns towards him, a blank expression on her face.

“You should be sorry,” Iman says.

Dan raises an eyebrow at her. “What am I sorry for?” Iman digs around in her bag before pulling her hand up. Under the table, she opens her hand, and Dan’s stomach drops. Laying on her palm is the bag of weed he had stuffed into a potted plant at the party. Someone had yelled about the cops, and he was the one holding Alec’s stash, so he panicked and hid it in the first place he could find.

“You left this behind Saturday. You’re lucky I found it before the cops did. Cara could have gotten in a lot of trouble.”

Dan reaches out to take it back, but Iman pulls her hand away before he can. “Hey, give it back.”

Iman gives her head a small shake. “Not yet. I need you to do something for me first.” Dan nods. “You and your boys need to attend the pub quiz Cara and I are hosting on Thursday. If you do that, you’ll get it back. Well, most of it. I’m keeping ten percent.”

“Ten percent? It’s not even mine, it’s Alec’s, and you don’t even smoke. Why do you need it?” Dan asks. Iman smirks.

“You never know when it could come in handy,” she says.

Dan sighs and, after a beat, nods his head. “We’ll be there.”

“Good.”

~~~

Dan: Seriously?! Where are you guys????

Jonas: Sorry bro. Busy.

Alec: You were serious?

Ryder: Dude! Cara’s gonna be there!! Dude!!!

Dan closes out of the group chat and sighs. His friends bailed, and now he’s stuck at this boring-ass pub quiz. He looks around the room, trying to find someone to talk to. His eyes briefly land on Cara as she’s gesturing wildly in a conversation. He locks eyes with Iman as she half-listens to Cara, more interested in shooting lasers at Dan than what her friend’s saying.

A group of people walk by Dan, one of them looks directly at him. He’s tall with dark hair and a pale complexion. Dan’s too far away to see his eyes, but he’s sure they’re as nice to look at as the rest of him is. The guy smirks at Dan and follows his own friends to the far side of the room.

Emma walks in a few minutes later. She spots Dan, and her face lights up, waving at him as she passes. She drops her stuff at a table with the rest of her group and spins on her heels. She focuses her sight on Dan, and he begins to panic. He grabs his bag and books it out of the room.

Dan speed walks down the hall, trying to put as much distance between himself and Emma as he can. When he sees the door for the male restrooms, he swears that it’s bathed in holy light. There might have been angels singing, but he doesn’t care as long as it gets him away from Emma.

She’s a sweet girl, but Dan doesn’t know what to do about her. He doesn’t want to necessarily be with her, but he also doesn’t want to be alone. The whole situation is causing his head to ache.

Dan hides in a stall until he’s sure that the pub quiz has started. He walks out and freezes. The attractive guy is washing his hands. Dan had heard the door open, but wasn’t expecting it to be him. He sees Dan’s reflection in the mirror and smiles at him; Dan’s too taken aback to respond. The guy moves away from the sinks.

Finally, Dan gains control over his body. While washing his hands, Dan watches the guy take every last paper towel in the dispenser to dry his hands. Dan’s left standing there, his dripping hands dangling at his side.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you need some, too?” There’s a playful smile on the guy’s face as he asks. Dan slowly nods. He has no clue what’s going on and briefly wonders if he’s on a hidden camera show. The guy picks up a towel and examines it. Deeming it to be clean, he hands it to Dan. Dan takes it and makes no move to wipe his hands.

“You want to go somewhere?” The guy flashes a joint. Dan gives a small smile and nods his head.

~~~

“So, why are you ditching the pub quiz?” The guy asks as Dan takes a long drag of the joint. Dan smiles and exhales, passing the joint over. They’ve been sitting on the bench, shooting the shit and smoking, for over thirty minutes.

“Not really my scene. My friends were supposed to come, but they ditched,” Dan explains.

The guy laughs. “Maybe you need new friends.”

‘Maybe we can be friends,’ Dan thinks. He hums and smiles. The door to the pub bangs open behind them, and both of them turn their heads towards the noise. A familiar figure rushes towards them.

“Dan!” A forced smile graces his face as Emma stops right in front of him.

“Hey...” he nods. Her smile becomes larger.

“Where have you been? You’ve missed the whole quiz.” Dan can see the guy watching him out of the corner of his eye.

“Sorry. I-uh, I needed a breather, and so did he,” Dan states as he gestures to his companion. He hears himself trip over his words, but no one else seems to. He lets out a silent sigh of relief. He appears to be getting away with his lie. Emma finally turns her head and looks at the guy. Her eyes narrow, her smile faltering a bit.

“And you would be?” she asks.

The guy raises his eyebrow, “I’m Phil.” The name couldn’t be more fitting to Dan, and he thinks it’s the best name he’s ever heard.

“What’s your name?” Phil asks.

“This is my um, friend, Emma,” Dan answers for her. Emma turns her attention back to Dan.

“Oh, I think I’m a little more than that, Danny,” she says with a playful swat to his arm. Phil lets out a soft chuckle. Dan wonders if the Earth could open right this second and swallow him whole.

~~~

“Who are you staring at?” Alec asks, pulling Dan back to reality. Dan shakes his head and turns his attention to his friends. Phil’s the answer, standing across the quad with a group of his friends and staring right back. Dan can’t figure out a way to articulate why he’s suddenly so enamored with someone he’s only just met.

“One, I’m not staring, and two, I thought I saw someone from the pub quiz last night that you all were too busy to attend,” Dan glances around the group and swears they roll their eyes in sync.

“One, you’re totally staring at whoever you think you saw, and two, we were too busy. Busy avoiding the pub quiz,” Jonas states. Alec and Ryder high five; all three of them start laughing.

“I hate you all,” Dan informs them. There’s no heat behind his words, though. He pulls his headphones out of his pocket and shoves them in his ears. Talk Show Host by Radiohead starts playing and Dan smiles. He sneaks a quick glance in Phil’s direction and sees that he’s still watching him.

~~~

“What was that?” Iman asks as she drops her stuff onto the table. Dan glances up from his book and raises an eyebrow in her direction.

“What was what?” he asks. She sighs and flops into the chair. Dan closes his book and sets it in front of him. He turns to face her and braces himself. According to the look on her face, he’s in for a good dressing down.

“You came last night and then bailed before we even started.”

Dan slumps down. “I went to the bathroom and never made it back,” he shrugs. Iman stares at him with a blank expression. Dan sighs, “I needed a breather and stepped out. There was someone else out there and we talked a bit.” Iman places her elbow on the table and props her head up with her hand. All the anger on her face has been replaced with intrigue.

“Oh really? Who is this mystery person?” she asks, and Dan rolls his eyes at her nosiness.

“I think he said his name was Phil. He’s really tall and has black hair,” ‘And the most gorgeous blue eyes I’ve ever seen,’ he thinks to himself. Iman raises an eyebrow at him and Dan coughs. “At least I think that’s what he looks like.” ‘Real smooth there Dan.’ Iman gives a disbelieving hum.

“Yes, I do know of him,” she replies. Dan stares at her, waiting for her to continue. There’s a brief standoff before she sighs.

“His name is Phil Lester. He’s a new transfer student who’s in Year 13. He knows Cara.” Dan presses down a smile.

“Cool, thanks. I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she says, waving him off. Dan pulls out his laptop, intent on looking up everything he can find about this Phil Lester right that moment. However, his teacher starts class before he can.

~~~

Dan’s sitting in his bed. His laptop is balanced on his knees as he presses the keys harder than necessary. He’s spent an hour trying to look up Phil on social media, but he can’t find him anywhere. It’s only when Dan finally googles his name that something comes up. It’s a video uploaded to YouTube by an apparent friend of Phil’s. Phil is standing in front of a table, a diorama of a classroom is sitting on it. There’s a naked Barbie, a robot toy, and a frog inside.

“This is going to next epic love story,” Phil tells the camera. His friend laughs, and Phil smiles. Dan smiles in return.

“What’s it about?” the friend asks.

Phil prattles on about the love story between the human — the Barbie — and the robot, how love in his film won’t be bound by the thoughts or expectations of others. “I’m going for a Baz Luhrmann feel. I really loved his adaptation of Romeo & Juliet.”

Dan’s face aches from smiling. He has a desire to reach through the screen and touch Phil, to check if he’s actually real. No human on Earth could possibly be this perfect.

The video ends and Dan restarts it, a pattern that continues for a few more hours as he looks up Baz Luhrmann and his movies. Phil’s voice echoing in his ears is the last thing Dan hears before he drops off to sleep.

~~~

“Hi Danny,” someone calls out. Dan mashes his wrist against the inside of his locker as he jumps. Cursing the blooming pain under his breath, he looks around. Emma is standing next to him with a wide smile on her face. Dan grins at her.

“Hi,” Dan replies in a flat voice.

Emma doesn’t notice his lack of enthusiasm. “Did you hear that Cara’s hosting pre-drinks tonight?”

Dan searches his head. It sounds vaguely familiar, but he’s not sure. For the last week, his thoughts had been overtaken by Phil. It’s strange. He barely knows the guy and yet, he can’t get him out of his head. “Um-Maybe,” he replies eloquently.

Emma sighs, her smile diminishing slightly. She shakes her head. “Cara would like you to bring some drinks tonight.”

Dan raises an eyebrow at her. “Why?”

Emma rolls her eyes. “You skipped out on the pub quiz, and she’d like you to make it up to her.”

“Why didn’t she text me herself?” Dan sighs.

“She did, but apparently you’ve been ignoring her. Seems to be a common theme with you this week, since you haven’t texted me back either.” Emma pokes him in the chest to emphasize her words. Dan gives her a sheepish look.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been really busy. I’ll make it up to both of you. I’ll bring the drinks and spend time with you tonight.” Emma beams and Dan gives her a tight-lipped smile. She leans forward to kiss him, but he turns his head at the last minute. Her lips land on his cheek and he pinches his mouth tight. Emma doesn’t notice and gives him a large smile. His cheek crawls with the lingering feeling of her lips against him.

“I can’t wait,” She squeezes his arm and disappears down the hallway. Dan leans against the lockers and lets his head fall back with a resounding wack. The dull ache is a great reminder of his stupidity.

~~~

Dan steps onto the crowded tube and finds a spot near the middle, leaning up against the pole. People jostle as the tube begins to move; Dan tightens his hand around the pole.

“Hey.” Dan looks up and sees Phil standing right next to him. His dark hair is pushed back in a quiff, and he’s wearing a denim jacket over a hoodie. Dan’s mouth goes dry and he feels his chest tighten. He nods his head and Phil smiles.

“You don’t say much, do you?” Phil asks, and Dan shrugs.

For the next ten minutes, Dan keeps looking over at Phil. Phil staring at him and smirking. Dan feels like his insides are turning to goo. His phone goes off, causing him to stop watching Phil. It’s Cara, reminding him not to forget the drinks for tonight. Dan blinks at his phone a few times before suddenly looking at Phil.

“You’re eighteen, right?” he asks. Phil raises an eyebrow at him.

~~~

They made it all the way to the corner store before Phil remembers he left his ID at home. Dan follows him back to his flat. It’s a simple, three room place. There’s an open floor common space that includes the lounge and kitchen. Two doors off to the side lead to what Dan’s assuming is the bathroom and the bedroom.

“Nice place,” Dan comments as he looks around. Phil shrugs.

“It is what it is,” he says with a smirk. Dan furrows his brow, but Phil’s already moving through the flat. “Are you hungry?”

Dan smiles. “Starving.” The thoughts of the pre-game slip from his mind.

~~~

“This is awful,” Dan says around a mouthful of sandwich. Phil had made them both toasted ham and cheese sandwiches with way too much cardamom on them.

“Oh, like you could do better,” Phil jests as he takes another bite. Dan laughs and smiles.

“I totally could. See, now I know not to use half a container of cardamom to make sandwiches. Clearly I’m more advanced than you.” Phil rolls his eyes and snorts. Dan’s heart skips a beat.

“Clearly,” he says with smirk. Dan ducks his head and smiles to himself.

~~~

They’re seated on the window sill, looking out over Phil’s neighborhood. Dan’s enjoying the fact that the sun is illuminating Phil, making him look like an angel. They’re passing a joint between them.

“How do you feel about Nas?” Phil asks.

Dan raises his eyebrow, “Nas? You like Nas?”

Phil chuckles, nodding his head. Dan remains quiet. He’s unsure of what to say. Letting Phil in makes him nervous, even though they’ve already hung out before.

“Do you even know who Nas is, or are you too young?” Phil teases. Dan throws his head back and laughs.

“I’m not that young,” Dan says with a smirk. “I love Nas.”

Phil gives him a wide, toothy smile. “That wins you so many brownie points.”

Dan chuckles. “Oh. Is that so?” he flirts.

Phil look at him with a hungry expression. “Yes,” he says in a low voice; Dan represses a shiver. ‘He’s flirting back right? I think he is,’ Dan’s mind screams at him.

~~~

The sun begins to set. and Dan swears Phil looks even better in the fading light. It highlights his features and makes Dan want to squirm. They finished the joint and are lounging around, talking about nothing in particular and relishing in their respective highs.

A knock rings out from the door and breaks the little world that they have created. Dan raises an eyebrow as Phil stands, smiling as he walks to the door.

“Hey!” he cries as he opens the door. Two guys and a girl step into the flat. The guys fist bump Phil before walking into the lounge, waving at Dan. He waves back and refocuses his attention onto Phil. He has his arms wrapped around the girl’s waist, lips pressed against hers. Dan feels his heart clench and his chest tighten.

“Dan! This is Lily, my girlfriend. Lily, this is Dan.” Phil’s smiling as he introduces the two. Dan’s tongue feels heavy in his mouth.

“Hi,” Lily greets him. Dan nods his head and croaks out a greeting. He starts moving around the room, gathering his belongings.

“I’ll see you guys later. I’m going to head out.” Dan’s brain is screaming at him to run as far away from the situation that he can.

“What? You can totally stay if you want,” Phil says, reaching out to stop Dan’s movements. Dan shakes his head.

“No, it’s all good. I’ll see you later. Nice to meet you,” he calls over his shoulder as he rushes out the door.

~~~

Dan’s been laying on his bed for what feels like forever before he remembers to text Emma. He informs her that he won’t be able to make it to pre-drinks and then buries his head in his pillow. He can hear his phone buzzing, but he doesn’t bother with it. A few tears escape his eyes as he tries to will away the image of Phil and Lily kissing.

~~~

It’s Saturday, and Dan really just wants to wallow in his grief, but other people in his life clearly have different plans. The boys have been texting him all day, trying to convince him to come out and party with them tonight. Dan lies to them and says he has to do something with his mum. He hasn’t talked to her in a few weeks, not that she hasn’t been messaging him. He can’t bring himself to message her back. He isn’t sure what to say to her.

He gets a large amount of messages from Emma. They start off irate and descend into apologies as time goes on. He reads them, but doesn’t reply. He isn’t sure what to say to her, either.

~~~

Sunday brings more of the same — more apologies from Emma for becoming upset with him and the boys trying to get him to hang out. He doesn’t want to go anywhere. He wants to lay in bed and watch Romeo + Juliet on repeat while he wallows in his own self-pity.

Between the repeats of the movie, Dan lets his mind wander. He’s suspected for a long time that girls don’t hold his fancy, but he isn’t sure if guys are his cup of tea. However, there is something about Phil. The way his body moves as if he’s dancing to music only he can hear. The way his eyes are like endless deep pools that Dan is happy to drown in. A myriad of feelings swirl around inside of him, causing confusion in his head. It makes him want to hide away from everything.

“You can’t hide in here forever,” Carter says as he bursts through Dan’s bedroom door. Dan grumbles as he pulls his laptop closer to himself, determined to ignore his flatmate. Carter plops down on the bed and scoots next to Dan. He pauses the movie.

“Why are you here?” Dan asks as nicely as he can muster.

Carter sighs. “You’ve been hiding in your room all weekend, clearly moping.”

“So?”

“So I’m concerned about you. You need to get out.”

Dan snorts. “I go out a lot. I needed a weekend to chill out.”

“And watch Romeo + Juliet on repeat.”

“It’s a good movie,” Dan defends.

“Not good enough to watch twenty times in a row.”

Dan narrows his eyes at Carter’s smirk. “You don’t get it.”

“Sure I don’t,” Carter has a knowing expression on his face, and it causes Dan to frown. Carter laughs before starting the movie up again. Dan settles in and enjoys having Carter’s comforting weight next to him.

~~~

“Excuse me,” a voice says. The boys stop talking and turn their head towards the sound. Emma is standing with a group of her friends; an unhappy expression on her face.

“Um- hi,” Dan says, and Emma furrows her brow.

“How could you ditch me on Friday?” Emma demands. The boys look at Dan with questioning looks on their faces. Dan shakes his head at them. He rubs the back of his neck.

“Something came up. I’m sorry,” he apologizes.

“You better not skip pre-drinks again.” Emma’s tone is cold. Dan finds himself nodding his head vigorously and promising to make it up to her. Emma smiles and reaches out, running her hand along Dan’s arm. Dan forces himself to stand still and endure her touch. Emma squeezes his hand and winks at him before departing with her posse.

Dan receives a hard smack on his shoulder. He rubs it and glares at Jonas for inflicting the pain onto him. “What was that for?” Dan demands.

“You could have told us about pre-drinks on Friday. We totally would have been there,” Jonas insists. Dan rolls his eyes and sighs.

“You could have found out from Cara,” he insists. Ryder visibly shudders. Their relationship has always been a complicated one. Frenemies with benefits is how the boys like to describe it. Ryder would wax poetically about him and Cara, causing the boys to roll their eyes.

“We’re not talking,” he states. There’s a hint of bitterness in his tone and Dan raises an eyebrow at him. Ryder shakes his head. Dan glances at Jonas and Alec who are both shrugging.

~~~

“So you are alive,” a voice very close to his ears cries out. Dan wacks his hand on the inside of his locker once again, and curses under his breath. He turns to see Cara standing uncomfortably close to him.

“Still breathing as far as I know,” Dan sasses back without much thought.

Cara rolls her eyes and crosses her arms across her chest. “You completely flaked on Friday and then have been ignoring my messages. What is with you?”

Dan bites his lip. “I’ve been really busy, and something came up on Friday. I’m sorry about that.” Cara eyes him suspiciously, but accepts Dan’s explanation.

“You’re hosting the pre-game this weekend,” she states.

“Oh really?”

“Yes. It’s restitution to both Emma and I.”

Dan takes a minute to mull it over. If one evening can make up for his behavior, he would be a fool to turn it down.

“I’ll do it.” Cara smiles.

“Great.”

~~~

Dan glances at his phone for what feels like the twentieth time in the past two minutes. He sighs and settles his head against his propped-up hand. Jonas, Ryder, and Alec watch with rapture as the dance squad runs through their routine.

Another sigh escapes Dan as he shifts in his seat. Movement by the door catches his eye. He looks over and sees Phil making his way towards their group. Dan quietly clears his throat and sits up straighter. That movement gets Jonas attention, and he looks at Dan. Dan, however, doesn’t notice because he’s too busy watching Phil.

“Hey,” Phil says as he stops in front of the group.

“Hey,” Dan answers. Alec and Jonas glance between the boys. Ryder gives Phil only a cursory glance before turning his attention back to the girls.

“Here. You left this,” Phil states as he lifts his hand. Dan tears away his gaze from Phil’s face and to his hand. In his grasp is Dan’s hat, the one he left at Phil’s during his hasty retreat on Friday.

“Um, thanks,” Dan says. He reaches out and takes his hat. Their fingers brush and Dan represses a shiver.

“Where did you find that?” Jonas asks. Dan’s eyes go wide, and he feels his breath catch in his throat. He looks at Phil as his mind goes blank.

“The cafe after lunch on Friday,” Phil states. Dan silently releases his held breath as Jonas and Alec accept Phil’s explanation.

“Thanks, again,” Dan says. Phil nods and opens his mouth to say something. Dan pleads silently with his eyes. Phil must’ve caught on and closes his mouth, shaking his head. With another nod, he turns on his heels and leaves. Dan watches him go.

“Okay. What was all that about?” Jonas asks. Dan turns towards his friends. Both Jonas and Alec staring at him. Dan shrugs, brushing the question off. Jonas eyes him suspiciously.

“Hey, you got your hat back,” Ryder states, breaking the tension in the air. The boys descend into laughter as confusion spreads over Ryder’s face.

~~~

The music is thumping, and a thick crowd of people have overtaken Dan’s flat. Dan’s eyes scan the crowd, trying to pick out people he knows. He can Carter with his other flatmate, Nora, dancing in the corner. He thinks he can see the boys in the kitchen.

The door opens, and a cheer rings out. Phil and Lily stride through the door. A few moments later, Dan and Phil’s eyes lock across the room. Phil smirks, and Dan’s throat suddenly feels dry.

“Hey,” Emma yells in Dan’s ear as she pokes his shoulder hard. They’ve been sitting on the couch in the living room. She’s been prattling on for a while, but Dan’s barely heard a word. Now the cause of his nerves has just walked through the door, and Dan’s no more relaxed.

“Hmm?” Dan asks, forcing himself to tear his eyes away from Phil and focus on Emma.

“Do you want to dance?” Emma’s eyes are sparkling in the neon lights, and she’s smiling wide. She’s pretty in a general sort of way, and it makes Dan’s heart clench. He wishes he could be attracted to her the way that she deserves.

Dan sneaks a quick glance at Phil, who’s moving to the music. “Sure.”

~~~

Dan’s swaying to the music with his hands on Emma’s hips. His hands feel sweaty and awkward against her clothes. She’s grinding against his front with her arms wrapped around his neck. He reminds himself to breath. Dan feels as if he’s being watched and immediately looks up, locking eyes with Phil.

Phil smirks at Dan, watching him with hooded eyes. He’s moving in time with Lily. Holding Dan’s attention, Phil ducks down and captures Lily’s lips. She moves closer as the kiss deeper. Dan’s eyes go wide with shock. Jealousy overcomes him as he has a fleeting thought about how Phil’s plush lips would feel against his own.

Not to be outdone by Phil, he pulls Emma close and kisses her. She kisses back with enthusiasm. Dan opens his eyes and locks his gaze with Phil. They continue to stare at each other as they dance and make out with their respective girls.

~~~

“I can’t break up with Lily because she has a fake leg.” Dan furrows his brow and looks at Phil. They’ve been standing in Dan’s kitchen, making small talk while others get ready to go to other parties.

“”What? She-?” Dan’s brain tries to process what he’s heard.

“Yeah. She lost it in a car accident when she was ten. She wears a fake leg and everything.” Dan furrows his brow. He takes a good look at Phil and feels like an idiot. Phil’s struggling to keep his face straight as his eyes sparkle with mischief.

“You seriously had me going there for a minute,” Dan closes his eyes and groans. He opens his eyes and his breath catches in his throat. Phil’s moved across the kitchen, now invading Dan’s space.

“Yeah, I did,” Phil answers him. Phil’s eyes flicker between Dan’s own and his lips. Dan’s brain starts freaking out, wondering if he’s reading the situation correctly. Phil tilts his head to the side and leans in. ‘No. This is really happening right now,’ Dan thinks in disbelief. He licks his lips, flicks his eyes over Phil’s face, and moves closer.

“Dan?” an outside voice calls. The moment shatters, and Phil moves back. He waits a few beats before leaving the room with only the briefest of glances at Dan. Dan sighs and slumps against the counters. He can feel his heart pounding in his chest.

~~~

Dan’s struggling to open his mouth. never wants to open correctly, and it seems to love to be particularly defiant on Monday morning. Dan drops his head against the metal door, groaning as his head bounces off the metal with a dull thud.

“That can’t feel too good.” Dan inhales sharply as he looks to his left. Phil’s standing very close to him, smiling. Dan takes note of how comfortable Phil appears in his oversized hoodie. His heart flip-flops in his chest.

“Oh, hey,” Dan smiles and Phil smirks. Dan’s chest tightens.

“Need help?” Dan furrows his brow and Phil chuckles. “With your door?” He tilts his head. Dan glances at the locker and shakes his head. Phil raises an eyebrow at him and then shrugs.

“So Emma and Lily have gotten pretty close.”

“Really?” Phil’s smirking again.

“Yeah. They want to get together before the Fall Fest on Friday.” Dan hums.

“So you’re okay with this?”

Dan shrugs, and Phil rolls his eyes. He takes a step closer and ducks down slightly. His warm breath tickles Dan’s ear.

“I’ll see you at your place on Friday.” Phil pulls back and smacks his hand against Dan’s locker, popping the door open, before walking away. Dan’s left in a flustered stupor.

~~~

Dan: I hear I’m hosting a Pre-Fall Fest get together for us and Phil and Lily

Emma: OMG! BABE! You’re the best!!

Emma: I know the perfect costumes!

~~~

Death can’t come quick enough for Dan. He’s seated between Emma and Lily, listening to them talk to each other. Phil is absolutely no help. He’s not contributing to the conversation, but he’s staring intently every time Dan glances over at him. Dan even wishes his roommates would burst in, but he knows that won’t happen. Carter is out clubbing, and Nora is off on a weekend with her boyfriend.

“Dan, babe?” Dan represses jumping as Emma’s voice breaks him out of his revelry.

“What?” Emma huffs. Dan looks at her with bewilderment.

“I’m getting a drink,” she announces before storming out of the room.

“I’ll go with you,” Lily states. Phil has the decency to wait until the girls have left the room before he lets out a soft laugh. Dan frowns.

The boys are alone for the first time and Dan’s able to get a better look at Phil’s costume. He’s wearing a long white wig and beard with a robe. Dan supposes he’s meant to be God. Lily is wearing a white, full length, long sleeve dress. On her back, is a pair of lace wings. She has a tinsel halo on her head. She’s dressed as an angel.

Dan is wearing a regular red t-shirt and blue jeans. Over top, he’s wearing a one shoulder Roman tunic. On his head is a fake, gold laurel wreath. It’s his crown. Emma is wearing a red, pleated, sleeveless dress. She has a simple, circular crown on her head. She’s the Empress to Dan’s Emperor.

Phil leans forward. “Do you want to get out of here?”

Dan licks his lips and pauses.The imaginary angel on his right shoulder is whispering that it would be rude to ditch the girls. They had plans to attend the Fall Fest and Dan is technically hosting this little get together. The devil on his left shoulder is screaming. Its words are perfectly in line with the feeling thumbing through Dan’s body. His body is desperate to get closer to Phil. Dan’s aching to spend alone time with him. He takes a deep breath.

“Yes.”

~~~

Dan feels like he’s flying. He’s seated on the back of Phil’s bike as the wind whips through his hair. Phil looks back every now and then as they peddle farther away from reality. Dan swears that he would follow Phil to the ends of the Earth if it always feel this exhilarating. The bike comes to a stop in front of a house, bring Dan back down to Earth.

“Who’s house is this?” Dan asks as he follows Phil through the yard.

“My aunt’s. Come on,” He flashes Dan a reassuring smile and drops to the ground, pushing open the basement window.

“Are you-” Dan takes a quick breath as Phil’s hand lays on his leg. He can feel the warmth seeping through his jeans, sending little sparks shooting through him.

“Trust me.�� His smile and words wash over Dan, who nods. The trust Dan has for Phil is greater than his own hesitation.

They slide into the window and drop onto the pool deck. The pool takes up nearly the entire room. The only light in the room is coming from the lights inside of the pool. Dan swallows hard and sucks in shallow breaths. He doesn’t do things like breaking into people’s houses and swimming in there pools. He can feel the fear rising from his stomach, spreading throughout his chest and creeping towards his throat. He opens his mouth to say something, to call this whole thing off and run away. His mind is screaming at him to retreat to his room. Phil speaks before Dan has a chance.

“Well? Are you going to jump in with your costume on?” Phil asks as he pulls off his wig. He has a smile on his face as he drops the wig onto the pool deck. Dan blushes and drops his head. One look at Phil’s smile as all of Dan’s trepidation sliding away.

“No,” he whispers. His words practically echo throughout the nearly silent space. He quickly strips his outfit off, leaving him in his t-shirt and shorts.

“I dare you to jump in.”

Dan looks over, and Phil’s smirking back at him. Bravery wells up inside of Dan.

“Don’t think I’ll do it?” he questions, smiling back at Phil.

“Nope. I think you’re too chicken,” he teases.

“See how much you know.” Dan gives Phil a two finger salute before he jumps into the pool. Dan believes he can hear Phil laughing from above, but isn’t sure due to the water rushing past his ears. He’s barely broken the surface before a wave of water from Phil’s entrance covers him. He laughs as he clears the water from his eyes.

They follow each other around the pool, splashing, laughing, and trying to dunk each other. The heaviness of their clothes impede their movements slightly, but both are too wrapped up with each other’s presence to be bothered.

“Can you hold your breath?” Phil asks. They’re treading water in the middle of the pool. It’s the deepest part, which Dan finds slightly bizarre.

“What?” Dan replies with a laugh.

“Can you hold your breath underwater?” Yet another challenge that Dan definitely feels the need to rise to.

“Yes. Better than you can.”

“Is that so?” Phil raises an eyebrow.

“Definitely so.” Phil throws his head back and laughs.

“On the count of three then. One, two, three.” They both take deep breaths and plunge below the surface.

After a moment, Dan opens his eyes and feels the slight sting from the chlorine. Directly in front of him is Phil, suspended in the water like a jellyfish. The corners of Dan’s mouth twitch.

He blinks and suddenly, Phil is a lot closer. His lips press against Dan’s. Dan’s eyes go wide and he releases all of his held breath as he swims upward. Phil following him. Dan breaks the surface and starts coughing water out of his lungs.

“What was that? I thought you could beat me?” Phil inquires. Dan looks at him. He can see the mixture of teasing and nervousness in Phil’s eyes. He takes a deep breath and then coughs.

“I can. I had water stuck in my throat.” Phil rolls his eyes and swims closer to Dan.

“Sure,” Phil says in disbelief. “Maybe I’ll make a movie about you and call it ‘The Boy Who Can’t Hold His Breath Underwater.” Dan furrows his brows.

“Really? That sounds long and contrived.”

“Nevertheless true.” Phil’s eyes sparkle with his teasing.

“I had water in my throat. I want a redo.” Dan’s face is hard with determination. Phil chuckles

“You’re on.” They take deep breaths and slide below the surface.

It feels as if the stars have aligned. Dan swears that a light is shining directly onto Phil. He’s unsure if he believes in a higher power, but if there is one, he’s pretty sure that they’re sending a sign. Courage and electricity pulses through Dan as he moves closer to Phil. He presses their lips together and they’re kissing. Dan’s mind goes blank. They try to pull each other closer, but the water makes that difficult. They’ve run out of the air they desperately need to continue kissing and surge upwards.

They break the surface and suck in deep breaths. Dan aches to be against Phil once more. Their mouths clash together as their hands move to draw each other closer.

A door slams, and the noise drives them apart. A young girl is standing by the edge of the pool.

“Mum!” she cries.

“Go, run!” Dan cries as he shoves Phil towards the edge of the pool. They grab their costumes and high tail it through the window.

~~~

They spend all Saturday in bed; exchanging kisses and sharing a joint. Warmth flows through Dan as he snuggles close to Phil. Kissing him is quickly becoming Dan’s favorite thing.

“What if there were multiple universes?” Phil asks.

“Who’s to say there aren’t?” Dan replies

“There’s probably a Dan and Phil laying in bed just like us.” Phil runs his thumb across the back of Dan’s hand.

“Exactly like us?” Dan shifts slightly so that he can get a better look at Phil.

“Everything’s the same, but there’s one minor difference.”

“Like what? The curtains are yellow or something?” They laugh.

~~~

Phil leaves on Sunday after much stalling and many good-bye kisses.

“Oh Daniel!” Carter sings out. Dan thumps his head against the front door.

“Yes,” Dan answers, not lifting his head.

“Was that your beau you just snuck out of here?”

“I wouldn’t exactly say beau.”

“Oh, but I would. You didn’t let them out of your room hardly at all yesterday. Though, I didn’t hear anything. Was someone getting kinky?” Dan’s face turns red, and Carter throws his head back in laughter.

“We’re just friends,” Dan murmurs. Carter chuckles and shakes his head.

“Keep telling yourself that,” he replies with a wink.

~~~

“How did you know you were gay?” Dan asks. Carter stops moving ground the kitchen and stares at him. It’s later on Sunday night. Dan had spent the whole day lying in bed, replaying the whole weekend over in his head.

“I guess I always knew,” Carter replies with a tilt of his head.

“When did you tell people?” Carter leans against the counter and braces his arms along the top.

“My early teens. I was maybe fourteen.”

“It must have been easy for you.”

Carter immediately straightens up and crosses his arms over his chest. “What do you mean?” he asks through clenched teeth.

“Just-I guess the way you are,” Dan stumbles out. He knew the words were wrong the minute they slipped from between his lips. Logically, he knew that Carter’s flamboyant nature has nothing to do with his sexuailty. However, he can’t help, but make the correlation in his head.

“The way I am? The way I am?” Carter exclaims. “You know nothing about the way I am.”

“I’m-” He tries to apologize, but the words die on his lips.

“No. You have no idea the struggle that others have gone through — people like me. How dare you judge?” With that Carter pushes past him.

Dan returns to his room, laying in bed with tears falling from his face. He’s typing out his third message to Phil.

Phil doesn’t respond.

~~~

Phil: Sorry I didn’t respond last night. I had something to take care of. Everything is good now.

Phil: Good morning. I can’t wait to see you. I miss you already.

Dan reads the messages and does nothing to suppress the smile on his face. His heart clenches in the best way possible.

~~~

“What’s got you all smiley?” Iman asks as Dan slides into his desk. Dan still hasn’t been able to wipe the smile from this morning off his face. He found a drawing of the him and Phil in his locker. Phil had snuck it in there and Dan’s holding in his his hand, inside of his hoodie pocket. He ducks his head and feels his cheeks heat up.

“Nothing,” Dan mumbles. Iman settles into her seat and stares at Dan.

“It’s a good look on you,” she says after a few moments of silence.

“What? Redness?”

“Happiness.”

~~~

Tuesday brings a sappy note from Phil found in Dan’s locker. It puts a smile on his face that he wears all the way home.

“What has you smiling?” Carter asks as soon as Dan steps through the door. Dan stops short. He blinks a few times.

“You’re talking to me again?” he asks as he sits onto the couch next to Carter. Carter shrugs.

“Just because we’re fighting doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.” Dan nods and then takes a deep breath.

“I’m sorry.” Carter raises an eyebrow. “I’m sorry I was a jackass and said nasty things to you. It was wrong to make assumptions. I should be more sensitive towards your sexuality.” Carter nods.

“Yes. Especially because it’s also your sexuality.” Dan’s eyes go wide.

“No. Yes. Maybe,” he sputters. Carter smirks. “Why would you say that?”

“I met you drunk in a gay bar. You were upset because the handsome bartender wouldn’t hit on you nor give you more to drink.” Dan recalls the moment and shutters.

“I’m not one hundred percent,” he confesses. His voice is barely above a whisper. Carter shrugs and pats Dan on the shoulder.

“When you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll be there to help you.” He stands and heads to leave the room.

“Wait,” Dan calls. Carter stops and turns back towards Dan.

“Are we okay?” Carter laughs.

“Yes honey. I forgave you about half an hour after our fight. I’m accept your apology and my offer still stands.” With that, he leaves a stunned Dan sitting on the couch.

~~~

Dan finds another note from Phil in his locker on Wednesday. This one is asking Dan out for a coffee date later that night.

Dan: Yes

Phil: Excellent. I’ll meet you in the quad after school.

~~~

“Hey good lookin’,” Phil whispers into Dan’s ear. Dan jumps and takes a step back.

“Hey you.” He waves awkwardly. Mentally, he smacks himself in the head for being so awkward. Luckily for him, Phil choses to smirk rather than make a comment.

“Ready to go?” Dan nods. Phil steps close as they head out of the quad and tries to take Dan’s hand with his own. Dan recoils, side stepping the attempt. Phil’s face falls briefly, but he goes right back to smiling as if nothing happened.

They end up in a coffee shop on the high street. Dan can feel his frayed nerves. Phil appears to be as cool as a cucumber. With his gentle voice, he puts Dan at ease. So much so that Dan briefly forgets that they’re on a date. They spend the evening flirting over caffeine. Later, once Phil has walked Dan to his door, they trade coffee-flavored kisses.

~~~

Thursday brings yet another note from Phil. It’s a coffee cup with steam coming out of it. The steam forms the shape of a heart. Dan feels his own heart skip a beat.

He invites Phil over to study that night. Phil enthusiastically agrees. Dan had legitimately thought they were going to study. Phil had another plan in mind. His plan is pinning Dan to his bed and kissing him within an inch of his life. Dan’s definitely on board with Phil’s plan.

~~~

“Dan!” Emma calls out as she makes her way towards Dan and his friends. It’s Friday and they’re standing in the quad before school, chatting as they wait for the bell to ring. Emma and her friends stop in front of them. She’s clearly the leader of the group as her friends are clustered behind her.

“Yes Emma?” Dan tries to keep the distaine out of his voice, but he can hear the way her name grates at his ears.

“There’s this party tomorrow, and I would absolutely love for you to come.” She’s looking at him with a hopeful expression.

“Um-”

“Hell yeah. We would love to come,” Alec butts in. Emma’s eyes go wide as if she’s just realizing that there are others around. Emma’s friends giggle.

“Oh, yeah. You’re all invited, too.” She appears nervous and Dan’s hand twitches to give her a reassuring pat on the arm. He presses his hand tightly into his thigh.

“Can’t wait,” Jonas replies, elbowing Dan in the ribs. Dan coughs and nods his head. Emma doesn’t even appear phased.

“Can’t wait,” Dan squeaks out.

Later that night, Dan texts Phil. He waits until the wee hours of the morning, but a response never comes.

~~~

The boys walk up to a two story house; the place where Emma said the party would be taking place. There’s loud music that can be heard nearly a block away. There are people all over the lawn and, from what they can see through the open door, inside the house.

“No way, guys,” the guy standing guard at the door states.

“What do you mean?” Jonas asks. Dan hangs back, happy to let Jonas take the lead.

“I can’t let you in.”

“Emma invited us.” The guy looks at the group with scepticism and disbelief. Dan steps closer to the guy.

“Emma really did invite us. Can I at least go in and tell her that we’re here?” The man nods and motions with his arm. Dan hurries up the steps and through the door.

There are people everywhere, just as Dan had suspected: dancing, drinking, and making out. The bass in the music is so loud that Dan can feel it vibrating in his bones. Colorful lights flash to the beat. As Dan scans the crowd for Emma, a familiar shape catches his eye. Standing on a landing on the other side of the room is Phil. He’s talking very closely with Lily. They seem to be laughing and smiling at each other.

Dan’s breathing stops and his chest tightens as he watches Phil and Lily lock lips. ‘Everything I knew has been a lie,’ he thinks to himself. The bodies meld with the lights, and it all becomes a blur. Anger flares through him as he turns on his heel and rushes out the door. He pushes through the people crossing the porch and stumbles onto the grass.

“Dan? Dan?” Jonas calls. Dan bends over and places his hands on his knees. Bile rises in his throat and he sucks in deeps breaths. He’s trying to keep himself from being sick. Jonas walks over and places his hand on his back.

Dan recoils immediately and stands up. “Don’t fucking touch me!” he cries. Jonas looks bewildered and puts up his hands as he backs away.

“What’s your deal, mate?” Alec asks as he advances towards Dan. Dan turns around and tries to leave, but Alec grabs his shoulder before he can. “Where are you going? Where’s Emma? What’s going on?”

“Fuck off,” Dan spits out. Alec still has a hold of Dan’s shoulder. Every part of Dan’s body and mind is screaming at him to run. He needs to get away from this house right away or he’s afraid that he’s going to lose it more than he already is.

Dan pulls his arm back and punches Alec in the face. Alec drops his hand and clutches his face; doubling over. Dan turns on his heels and sprints down the street, ignoring the throbbing pain in his hand. His friends call after him, but it only spurs him on.

~~~

Dan burst through the door of his flat, startling his roomates that are sat in the living room. They watch as he tears through, banging the door to his room against the wall. He slams the door and flings himself on to the bed. He pulls his ever-buzzing phone out of his hoodie pocket. He has a bunch of texts and miss calls from his friends, even a few angry ones from Emma. Also, a couple from his mum — not that he really wants to deal with that right now. There’s nothing from Phil.

He burrows his head into his pillows. Tears flow freely and dampen the cotton below him. His whole body shakes as sobs escape his mouth. No matter how deeply he breathes, he can’t get enough oxygen into his lungs. His body feels as if it’s on fire and he screams into his pillow.

~~~

“Seriously Dan?” Emma’s shrill voice pierces the air next to him. Dan silently groans to himself and taps his head against his locker.

“Seriously what?” His voice is sharp. Emma rolls her eyes and scoffs. Dan bites his lip as he swallows down a sarcastic comment to her reaction.

“You ditched me yet again on Saturday. I invited you guys and yet none of you bothered to show up. What is your deal?” Emma crosses her arm over her chest and stares intently at Dan.

“Something came up. I’m sorry.”

Emma scoffs, “You really need a new excuse.”

“Drop it please. It’s not an excuse. If you want to believe that, then that’s on you.” With that, he brushes past her and heads down the hall.

~~~

Free period that day is lonelier than it usually is. Dan’s sitting on the wall of the quad with his headphones in, trying to block out the world. He hasn’t spoken to any of his friends since the failed party attempt two days prior. Sure, he had received a few messages from them, but he hadn’t responded. He’s not sure what he can say or how to explain what’s been going on with him. The words fluctuate between being on the tip of his tongue and dissipating into nothingness.

Phil’s seated across the quad with his friends. Dan finds himself glancing at him every now and then; he can’t help himself. Phil keeps looking over at him. Dan’s caught him a few times. He’s trying to get Dan’s attention, but Dan won’t give him anything but the barest glances. His heart hurts too much.

Dan’s the only one of the core four that’s in the quad. The boys have been avoiding each other. Shame has been Dan’s baseline since that happened. Dan pushes himself off the wall he’s been sitting on and walks towards the school. He doesn’t look back at Phil, no matter how much he wants to.

~~~

Dan opens up his locker, getting out his science book. A piece of paper tumbles to the ground. He bends down, picking and opening it up. There’s two boys sitting on a windowsill, facing each other. It’s a clear depiction of Dan and Phil sitting in Phil’s flat.

There’s a thought bubble above Phil’s head. ‘He’s so beautiful,’ the bubble states. Tears spring to Dan’s eyes. The words “cruel” and “ironic” spring to his mind. A single tear slides down his cheek and he quickly brushes it away. He grabs his book and slams his locker shut, shoving the now crumbled drawing into his pocket. He swears it’s burning a hole through the fabric. He hurries down the hallway, hoping no one sees him.

~~~

“You look like crap,” a familiar voice says. Dan looks up through his fringe at Iman. She’s standing next to their shared table, staring intently at him. He snorts.

“Thanks. I can feel the love,” His voice is flat, and he grimaces at her. Iman snorts and drops into her seat. She bumps her shoulder into his and he raises an eyebrow at her.

“I just mean that you look like that you’ve had a rough couple of days,” she says with a shrug. Dan sighs and drops his chin to his chest.

“You could say that.” There’s a moment of silence before Iman breaks it.

“I’m here if you ever want to talk.” Dan appreciates the gesture. Even though they had run in similar circles, they’ve never been close. Not until they started this class together.

“Thanks,” he mumbles.

~~~

Dan’s sitting on his bed. The only light comes from his bedside table. It’s casting a soft, yellow glow over the space. The world outside is dark and has been for a while. His eyes are red and tear tracks stain his cheeks. His whole face feels puffy. He runs his hands through his hair, twisting his fingers to pull sharply at the strands he can barely feel the pain.

Dan: I can’t do this anymore

He sends the text before he can talk himself out of it. It’s only a few minutes later that Phil texts back.

Phil: What do you mean?

Dan sighs.

Dan: It’s been fun, but it’s over now

Dan drops his phone onto his bed and stares at the wall.

Phil: Dan? What are you talking about?

Phil: Dan? Baby?

Phil: What’s going on? What happened?

Phil: Baby?

Dan tosses the phone to the far side of his bed. He wraps his arms around himself and curls over. Tears stream down his face and sobs escape from his mouth. His shoulders shake.

A few minutes later, there’s a knock at his door. Dan’s too far gone to even acknowledge it. Carter lets himself in after a few moments.

“Oh Dan,” he coos as he gets a look at him. He quickly crosses the space and settles on the bed against the pillows. He opens his arms wide, and Dan crawls into them, burrowing himself against Carter’s chest. Carter wraps his arms tightly around Dan and holds him close. Dan sobs, his tears soaking Carter’s shirt.

“Dan, sweetie,” Carter whispers and Dan cries harder. Carter brings one of his hands up and gently runs it over Dan’s head and down his back. “It’s ok. It’s ok,” he assures him. Dan shakes his head fervently, smearing his tears and snot across Carter’s shirt. “Yes, it is,” Carter responds.

“No,” Dan quietly wails.

~~~

The next week is the longest week of Dan’s life. The hours seem to drag along. Everyone around him seems to be moving at supersonic speed while he’s left standing still. He goes through the motions, not really registering anything around him. His patience is hanging on by a thread, threatening to break at a moment’s notice.

Monday brings a rumor that Dan is gay, spreading throughout the student body like wildfire. He can see the whispers and stares as he makes his way through the halls. He keeps his head down and curls into himself.

Each day brings a new drawing from Phil in his locker. Drawings of confusion, broken hearts, and desperate pleas for Dan to talk to him. They do nothing but drive the stake deeper into Dan’s heart and make him cry himself to sleep every night.

The issues with Phil come to a head on Wednesday. The note in Dan’s locker which wasn’t doing anything to help his already strung out mood. Phil gets behind him in line in the cafeteria.

“Hey.” Dan glances at Phil. There’s a small smile on his face, and Dan looks away quickly.

“Why haven’t you been returning my messages?” Phil asks. Dan slams food items onto his tray.

“Leave me alone,” Dan forces out through his clenched teeth.

“Please,” Phil begs. His voice is a pleading whisper.

“Stop. I’m not yours, and clearly I never was,” Dan spits out, whirling on his heels to face Phil. They’re a few hairs breath away from each other. Dan can smell the scent of Phil’s body wash and feel his breath brush against his skin.

“What are you talking about?” Phil’s eyes are wide with confusion. He’s frantically flickering them over Dan’s face as if all the answers are written across his skin.

“Leave me alone. I saw you at the party on Saturday. I saw the way Lily and you were all over each other. You two are nice together” Dan brushes past Phil and storms out of the cafeteria.

Later that night, Dan gets a slew of messages from Phil; he calls Dan “baby” and “sweetheart.” Phil pleads for Dan to talk to him;, that Dan just needs to hear him out. Dan silences his phone and curls onto his side, crying into his pillow, and falling asleep like that.

~~~

“You need to talk to someone,” Iman states as soon as she arrives to science on Thursday. Dan looks up at her. There are dark circles under his eyes and his face is puffy from the crying he’s been doing most of the week.

“Are you saying this because I look awful?” Dan’s voice is rough and Iman grimaces. She shrugs.

“A bit, but it seems like you’re going through a really rough patch.” It’s Dan’s turn to shrug. Iman reaches out and firmly places her hand on his arm. Dan looks up at her.

“Listen, I don’t know what you’re going through,” Iman begins. Dan opens his mouth, but one narrowed-eyed look from Iman causes him to shut his mouth. “You never have to tell me what you’re going through, but you should talk to someone. This person should be someone that you trust.” Dan nods his head.

“I’ll think about it.” Iman nods.

~~~

During science, Dan texted Jonas. He asked if they could meet up and get food together. Jonas enthusiastically agreed.

The two of them take their food and make their way through the park. They sit on a bench, quietly eating their food. After they’ve finished, they sit in silence for a few minutes. They’re staring out at the other people making their way through the park. Dan’s stomach is twisted in knots. His head aches and his chest hurts.

“I’m sorry,” Dan says, breaking the silence. Jonas raises his eyebrows and turns to face Dan.

“For?” he asks.

Dan sighs and rubs the back of his neck. “For being evasive. For the party. I need to apologize to Alec for punching him.”

Jonas chuckles and shrugs. “I mean, yes, you should apologize to him, but he got in your face. I would have punched him too. We’re not mad at you, if that’s what you’ve been worried about.” Dan gives a wiry, tight lipped smile. Jonas bumps their shoulders together. “Hey. You want to tell me what has been going on with you?”

Dan sighs. His mind races as it flips through the past few weeks. “My mum is getting worse. I’m not sure how worse, but she seems to be losing it.”

Jonas frowns. “I’m sorry man. That has to suck.” Dan shrugs. They’ve been friends for long enough that Dan doesn’t really have to explain everything to Jonas. He just gets it.

“Is there anything else going on?” Jonas asks. Dan bites his lip and gives a small, quick nod. He can feel that this is the now or never moment; the whole reason that they’re really here. After a few beats, Jonas waves his hand in circular motion, indicating that Dan should continue.

“I think I’m gay,” Dan states in a hushed voice. He feels as if a weight has been lifted off of his chest. The feeling is instantaneous. All the baggage and emotions that he’s been lugging around for weeks seeps to dissipate, leaving a brief euphoric feeling behind. Then, he immediately begins to sweat as he waits for Jonas’ response. Jonas takes a beat and then nods his head.

“So the rumor is true?”

“Yes,” Dan whispers.

Jonas nods again. “Alright. Thanks for being honest.”

Dan moves his head backwards and his eyes become wide. “You’re not freaking out?” His voice goes up in pitch slightly. He takes a couple of deep breaths. His head is spinning. Jonas chuckles and bumps his shoulder against Dan’s.

“It’s not like you suddenly grew a second, purple lizard head. You’re still Dan. The only difference now is that you can talk to me about cute boys,” Jonas teases. He winks, and Dan lets out a relieved laugh. The knot in his chest loosens, and he sucks in a deep breath.

“So, what about Emma?” Jonas asks after a few minutes of silence. Dan sighs and runs his hand over his face.

“Remember that party at Cara’s house about a while back?”

“Ya. We were so high,” Jonas states with a big smile. Dan rolls his eyes and gives a dry chuckle.

“That’s where I met Emma. She offered me a drug and I said yes. We shared it with a kiss, passing the drug from one of our mouths to another.”

“She’s clearly a girl though,” Jonas interrupts. Dan nods.

“I’m aware. She’s boyish enough that I didn’t think of it at the time. Also, being high helped. Well, sort of.” Jonas quirks his eyebrow.“She tried to go down on me. I stopped her, but ever since then she’s been trying to get us together.”

“Haven’t you been dating her?”

Dan sighs. “In a way. I’ve been confused. I haven’t been entirely sure when it comes to my sexuality. Though, I’m about ninety-nine percent sure that I’m gay.”

“How so?”

“I like a guy.”

“Oh ya?” Jonas asks with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. “Is it me?” Dan laughs. “It’s me isn’t it?”

“No.” Dan shakes his head. “His name is Phil.”

“How’s that going?” Dan sighs.

“It’s complicated.”

“Are you going to tell the boys?”

“I need to apologize to them.”

“That’s not the answer. If you tell them, they’re going to be fine with it. Host a get-together, and we can tell them together.”

“Oh ya? Like we’re coming out as a couple?” Dan jokes.

Jonas laughs. “Yes. Exactly.”

~~~

“Dan!” Emma’s voice rings down the hallway. Dan sighs and slumps against the wall of lockers. Emma hussels down the hall, ignoring the other students who are staring at her.

“Yes, Emma?” Dan states as she stops right in front of him. Her eyes are narrowed and her face is pinched. Dan braces himself for whatever rant he knows is coming.

“You owe me the truth.”

Dan straightens up and crosses his arms over his chest.

“The truth about us. The truth about this rumor.”

“The rumor is true,” Dan states in a no-nonsense tone. Emma’s face crumbles.

“What?”

“I’m gay.” Relief floods his chest at his confession.

“Did we mean nothing?” Emma’s voice wobbles. She looks close to tears.

“I’m sorry. It wasn’t you. It’s me.”

“Bullshit!” Emma cries.

“I’m sorry,” Dan states. He awkwardly pats her shoulder and hurries away from her.

~~~

The boys are sat around Dan’s kitchen table. There are drinks in front of each of them. They’re pre-gaming for a party later, but Dan’s unsure that he’s going.

“Have you heard the rumor going around?” Ryder asks. Jonas and Dan quickly look at each other.

“What rumor?” Jonas asks. Dan’s relieved that, once again, Jonas is taking charge.

“That Dan is gay. It’s crazy right?” Ryder laughs and takes a sip of his drink. Dan and Jonas look at each other. A wordless conversation passes between them. Dan clears his throat and looks directly at Ryder.

“I am.” His words hang in the air, heavy and weighted.

“You are?” Both Ryder and Alec exclaim. Their faces share matching surprised expressions.

“Yes,” Dan answers with a nod.

“Is that why you’ve been so secretive lately?” Alec asks.

Dan shrugs. “That’s part of it. I’ve only recently come to this realization. Also, I met someone.” Both Alec and Ryder raise their eyebrows.

“Do you have a boy-toy stashed somewhere?” Ryder asks in a teasing manner. Dan rolls his eyes and Jonas snorts.

“He’s not a boy-toy. His name is Phil, and we were seeing each other, but we aren’t anymore.” Dan looks down and takes a sip of his drink. The boys stare at Dan, waiting for him to continue. Jonas squeezes Dan’s arm and Dan gives him a half smile.

“Did he have a tiny dick?” Ryder asks, and everyone chuckles. Dan shakes his head.

“No. He decided that he didn’t want to be with me.”

“Did this happen at the party on Saturday?” Alec asks.

“In a way. I’m sorry that I punched you,” Dan apologizes.

Alec shrugs. “It’s all good. If I just got dumped, I would have punched something, too.”

“I shouldn’t have punched you, though. That was awful of me, and I’m truly sorry.” Alec waves him off.

“We’re all good.” Dan nods. They lapse into a silence, each quietly sipping their drinks.

“So when you have sex, who’s the guy and who’s the girl?” Ryder asks, breaking the silence. Jonas, Dan, and Alec throw their heads back in laughter. Ryder stares at them with confusion. “What?” he asks.

“I could ask you the same question,” Dan responds. This causes Jonas and Alec to howel louder with laughter.

Dan’s phone goes off, beeping and flashing from its spot on the table. He glances down at it; betting it’s either his mum send him a religious message or Phil begging for them to speak. Dan gives himself a mental cookie as he sees the message is from Phil.

Look out the window

Dan furrows his brow and frowns. He stands up and walks around the table, looking out of the kitchen window. On the pavement, underneath the streetlight, Phil is standing. Dan’s eyes go wide, and his mouth drops open.

“What is it?” Jonas asks, noticing the change in Dan’s body language.

“Phil’s outside.” Alec and Ryder turn quickly around so that they can stare at Dan. Dan’s phone goes off again.

May I please come up?

Dan becomes briefly lightheaded. He wants to say no; to stick to his guns and push Phil away like he’s been doing all week. On the other hand, he misses him. His body craves Phil’s warmth like it’s a drug.

“You guys have to go,” Dan announces, making up his mind. He types back an affirmation to Phil and places his phone on the kitchen counter.

“Your Phil?” Jonas asks. Dan nods his head.

“Yes. Now leave.” Dan grabs Ryder and hoists him out of his chair.

“You should let us meet him,” Ryder states as Dan shoves the three down the hallway. Dan’s herding them towards the back door that leads to the deck and another set of stairs.

“I need my shoes,” Alec cries as they stumble into each other. Dan stoops down and grabs the shoes, tossing them out onto the deck.

“Come on. We just want to meet him,” Jonas pleads. Dan shakes his head and pushes them through the door.

“No,” he states firmly before he shuts the door in their faces. He can hear them groaning on the other side, but he could care less. Not even a minute after he shuts the door on his friends, there’s a knock at his front door.

Dan swallows hard as he makes his way towards the front door. He takes a deep breath and then opens it. Phil is standing on the other side. He’s wearing his signature hoodie and jean jacket combination. Dan flicks his eyes up and down Phil’s body. He feels the way that his heart tightens in his throat, the breath catches in his throat, and his body starts to warm. They meet halfway between them, their lips clashing together.

Phil reaches out, taking Dan in his hands. Dan grabs Phil, pulling him close and into the apartment. Their bodies press against each other as Dan shoves the door close. Phil’s hands start to roam over Dan’s chest. Dan pushes off Phil’s jacket and Phil knocks Dan’s hat off his head.

“I-,” Phil starts when they’ve broken the kiss, each sucking air into their lungs. Dan leans in and catches Phil’s lips. He shushes him.

“Later,” Dan mumbles against Phil’s mouth. Phil nods his head and begins to kiss Dan’s neck, making his way down his body. Phil drops to his knees and runs his hands along the waist of Dan’s jeans, undoing them. Dan’s head tips back and his eyes close, his mouth dropping open as Phil mouths at him through his boxers.

~~~

The next morning, Dan wakes up in his bed with the sunlight spilling over his face. He stretches and then becomes painfully aware that he’s alone. Phil isn’t laying next to him as he was when they fell asleep the night before.

Dan sits up and glances around the room. Phil’s not in the room, nor are his clothes. Dan feels his heart clench in his chest, causing him to suck in a few shallow breaths. He slowly shuffles out of bed, half-heartedly getting dressed.

It’s only once he’s opened his door that he hears the noise. A quick glance at his phone tells him that it’s too early for Carter and Nora to be back already. With a furrowed brow, Dan makes his way to the kitchen. He stops short in the doorway. Phil is moving around, making breakfast.

“Morning,” Phil calls. His face is bright and open, as if he’s excited to see Dan.

“What are you doing?” Dan asks.

Phil rolls his eyes and turns back towards the stove. He pushes something around in the pan. “I’m obviously making breakfast.”

Dan crosses the kitchen and leans his right hip against the counter. There’s a slight frown on his face “I can see that. I thought you left.” Phil spins around on his heel and stares at Dan with furrowed brows.

“What?” Phil’s mouth hangs open slightly.

“You weren’t there when I woke up.” Dan’s voice is small and soft. Phil’s whole face softens.

“Oh, no. I wanted to surprise you when you woke up, but you got up before I could come back with food.” Phil steps close and wraps his arms around Dan, pulling them flush against each other. Dan wraps his arms the best he can around Phil’s middle and exhales softly against Phil’s neck.

Phil steps back and turns his attention to the food. He starts singing Teenage Dream loudly and off-key. Dan groans.

“What? You don’t like my singing?” Phil questions, looking over his shoulder and winking at Dan.

“I can’t believe that the man of my dreams likes Katy Perry?” Phil quickly turns off the burner and crowds close to Dan.

“I’m the man of your dreams?” Phil’s eyes are bright and full of wonder. Dan’s breath catches in his throat. Their eyes quickly roam each others’ faces before locking.

“Um-” Dan starts. Phil steps closer. They’re almost sharing breaths.

“Say it again,” Phil requests in a whisper.

“You’re the man of my dreams.”

Phil leans forward, bring his hands up and cradling Dan’s face in between them. He tilts his head and slotting their lips together. Dan melts into the kiss, easily returning the kiss.

~~~

Dan bounds out of bed Monday morning with a pep in his step and a smile on his face. He and Phil spent the whole weekend together, either cuddling or making out or eating in Dan’s bed. Dan’s extremely excited. Not even waking up to a text message from his father, wondering if the three of them (Dan, his father, and his mother) could attend a special church service together, could ruin his mood. He closes out of the conversation, deciding to postpone responding until later.

~~~

“How does religion feel about homosexuals?” Dan asks Iman. It’s science class again, and they’re waiting for it to get started.

“It varies from religion to religion, but most don’t come off as favorable towards them,” Iman replies.

“I can see that.”

“If someone uses religion to fuel hatred, then they really don’t understand religion. Religion is all about inclusion and acceptance.”

“Interesting,” Dan muses. It gives him a few things to think about.

~~~

Dan’s laying in bed, texting Phil. They’ve been talking about movies when Dan remembers the text from his father and his discussion with Iman.

Dan: I’ve been invited to a church service with my parents

Phil: Oh ya? Are you going to go?

Dan: Maybe. Would you like to go with me?

Minutes past and three little dots appear in the text conversation. Dan’s chest tightens and sweat breaks out across his forehead.

Phil: Yes

Dan’s chest eases, and he begins to breathe easier. A smile spreads across his face.

~~~

The next day, Dan’s standing a circle in the stairwell with the boys. It’s free period. They’re chatting, laughing, and hanging out to pass the time. Slowly, Phil walks up to the group. Aweary smile is on his face, and he’s looking directly at Dan. The boys stop their conversation and turn their attention to the newcomer. Dan can feel the nerves radiating off of Phil.

“Hey,” Phil says at Dan. Dan gives a small grin.

“Hey,” Dan responds. Phil comes to stand next to him. Dan can feel the other boys staring at him. He blushes and clears his throat. “This is Phil,” he says with a sweep of his hand in Phil’s direction.

“Hi guys,” Phil says. The boys greet him back, and there’s a few moments of silence before Ryder’s eyes go wide.

“No way! This is Phil? Your Phil?” he exclaims to Dan. Jonas and Alec laugh. Dan’s blush deepens, and Phil raises an eyebrow. He looks at Dan with a mix of amusement and confusion. Ryder quickly hurries towards Phil and hugs him.

“It’s great to meet you,” Ryder exclaims. Phil hugs him back.

“Great to meet you, too. Ryder, right?” Ryder nods enthusiastically with a large smile. Phil laughs.

“Just ignore him, he’s special,” Alec says as he steps forward, pushing Ryder out of the way. “I’m Alec.” He puts his hand out, and Phil grasps it.

“Phil.” They shake and nod at each other. Jonas steps up next and greets Phil. Dan watches the whole scene and can’t help smiling. Seeing Phil interact with his friends warms his heart. Phil steps over and touches Dan’s arm, startling Dan out of his head. Dan takes a slight step back. Phil doesn’t even acknowledge the movement.

“Hey,” Phil whispers.

“Hey.” Dan smiles at him, and Phil smiles back.

“I have to run, but I saw you and couldn’t resist saying hi.”

Dan nods his head. “I’ll text you.” With a smile and one last hand pat, Phil walks away.

“It was nice to meet you,” he calls as he reaches the top of the stairs. The boys call out a similar phrase. Phil walks down two steps before stopping. Dan and the boys are staring at him.

“What are you doing?” Dan asks with a roll of his eyes.

“You look so good, I can’t help staring. You’re gorgeous,” Phil calls out, before slowly descending the stairs; never taking his eyes off of Dan. One of the boys wolf whistles behind Dan, but he’s too busy covering his blushed colored face with his hands.

~~~

Later that night, Dan’s laying in bed and texting Phil. His flips over to his ongoing conversation with his father. The man is still waiting for Dan’s response to his question. Dan takes a deep breath.

Dan: I will go to the service with you and Mum, but I have a request.

Father: That’s great. What’s the request?

Dan: I would like to bring my friend

Father: That’s good. Your mother would probably enjoy the company.

Dan: It’s my boyfriend.

Dan’s father doesn’t respond right away. This causes the Dan to start freaking out.

Father: You have a boyfriend?

Dan: Yes. Is that going to be a problem?

Father: Maybe from your mother, but never from me. I love you, Dan.

Tears spring to Dan’s eyes, and relief floods his body.

Dan: I love you too

~~~

It’s Saturday morning, and Dan’s walking down the street, bundled up against the cool autumn air. He’s hurrying down the pavement, passing people leisurely going about their day. He walks into the coffeehouse, about five minutes after he’s supposed to be there. Phil isn’t there yet, causing Dan to breath out a sigh of relief. He grabs a hot chocolate and settles in next to the window.

Dan jumps as someone knocks on the glass. He turns and sees Phil standing outside. He’s smiling wide, and Dan smiles back. Phil breaths on the window and takes his gloved hand, drawing a heart on the window. Dan melts a little and breathes on the window on his side, drawing an arrow through the heart. Phil smiles wide. He signals for Dan to come outside.

“Hey,” Phil exclaims. He reaches out to take Dan’s hand, but Dan recoils. Phil’s smile falters slightly, but he nods and shoves his hands in his pockets. He fills out his smile and turns on his heel, heading down the street. Dan hustles to keep up.

“Hey. Where are we going?” Phil turns his head towards Dan and Dan’s temporarily stunned by brightness of his expression.

“We are going to a hotel.”

Dan furrows his brow. “A hotel?”

~~~

The hotel that Phil leads them to is nicer than anything Dan could afford. He’s stunned as they walk across the lobby at the grandness of everything.

“Phil,” Dan hisses, trying to get Phil’s attention. Phil ignores him and slides up to the front desk.

“Hello, I would like a room please.” Phil smiles wide. Dan shifts nervously.

“It will be one moment,” the receptionist states. Phil leans against the counter.

“This is my boyfriend,” Phil states, pulling Dan closer. Dan smiles wearily at the receptionist.

“You look lovely together,” she says, still typing on the computer.

“He’s extremely handsome. I think he’s the most handsome man I’ve ever seen. I’m going to marry him one day,” Phil gushes. Dan’s eyes go wide as he looks at the side of Phil’s head. ‘Marriage? We’ve barely been dating,’ Dan thinks. His mind slightly shorts out. The receptionist smiles at them and hands Phil the room cards.

“I wish you all the luck in the future,” she states. Phil heads off towards the elevators, and Dan follows in a daze. ‘Marriage’ is the only word repeating in his head.

They’re in the glass elevator. Dan’s stares out at the city. He’s in disbelief that they’re going up so high. Phil touches his arm, and Dan tears his gaze away from the scene, looking at him. Phil smiles and crowds Dan, kissing him. Dan smiles against Phil’s lips. Their hands come up and grasp each other’s, pulling them closer together as the kiss deepens.

~~~

Dan’s laying flat on the bed. Well, nearly flat. His head is propped up with the pillows. The soft sheets rub gently against his overheated, naked skin. The breath catches in his throat as he watches the scene in front of him.

Phil is as naked as Dan. He’s slowly crawling up Dan’s body, leaving feather-like kisses every now and then. Dan’s skin is tingling under Phil’s lips and the touch of his fingertips; which he’s been dragging over the already-kissed skin.

Dan’s bites his lips as Phil works his way up Dan’s chest. Their crotches rub together and each let out a soft moan. Dan leans forward and catches Phil’s lips with his own. Their tongues twist around each other. Dan brings his hands up and dances them over Phil’s back.

“I want you.” Phil’s voice is heavy with desire. Dan tries to convey his answer with his eyes and captures Phil’s lips in another kiss; pouring all of his unspoken words into it.

~~~

They’re sitting on the floor of the room. Dan is leaning against the foot of the bed in only his boxers. Phil’s wrapped up in a sheet and leaning against the wall. Room service is spread out between them. Two orders of burgers and fries along with a bottle of champagne.

“So we’re getting married?” Dan asks, poking at Phil with his foot. Now that things have slowed down slightly, Dan can finally articulate the question that’s been rolling around in his head. Phil smiles wide and takes a large sip of his drink.

“Yes. Yes we are.” He sounds so sure. Dan bites his lower lip.

“Really?” Dan’s voice is full of disbelief. Insecurity is creeping into his chest. Phil reaches out and grasps Dan’s ankle.

“Yes.” He’s looking deep into Dan’s eyes, and Dan starts to relax. Phil’s eyes always put him at ease.

“Why?” Dan smiles, but he’s out done by Phil lighting up the space between them. Dan can feel himself melt. He’s briefly transported back to sitting on Phil’s bicycle, feeling as if he’s sitting on top of the world.

“Why wouldn’t we? I love you.” Phil goes back to eating as if nothing had happened. Dan’s heart takes a few moments to start beating again. His breath catches in his throat. ‘Holy shit,’ is all he can think.

~~~

It’s late, and something brings Dan out of his sleep. He doesn’t want to open his eyes and hopes that he will slip back to dreamland easily. There’s rustling in the room. Dan groans.

“Phil?” Dan calls out. His voice is deep and heavy with sleep. Also, partially muffled by the pillow his face is half smushed in.

“I’m going to go out. Go back to sleep,” Phil says, moving to another part of the room. Dan groans again and waves his hand.

“Babe. Come back to bed.” Phil shakes his head. He moves through the room again.

“In a minute. I’m going to go get food. I’ll be back soon.” The door opens and then shuts.

Dan’s sleep addled brain is slow to process Phil’s statement, but when it does, he bolts straight up. He scrambles out of bed and tears through the room. All of Phil’s possessions, including his clothes, are still in the room. Phil isn’t. Dan scrambles to get dressed.

The elevator takes forever to reach the floor and Dan half considers taking the stairs. Just as he moves towards them, the elevator arrives. He dashes inside and hits the lobby button. He presses the door close button over and over, as if everything will happen faster if he presses it more frequently.

Dan pushes open the hotel’s front door and swirls his head around. The whole area is deserted. He turns right and starts running down the street, looking everywhere for anything that looks like Phil. He’s frantically calling Phil’s name. He’s circles around the hotel, but he can’t find him. He pulls out Phil’s cell phone and dials the first person he could think of.

“Lily? I can’t find Phil.”

~~~

Once Dan had gotten off the phone with Lily, he sprinted to the next street over. Phil’s nowhere to be found there either. A text from Lily sends him running back towards the hotel. He as a cab pulls up in front. Lily steps out of the cab. She’s illuminated by the closest street light and, right at this moment, Dan thinks she’s an angel.

“Lily. Thank god,” Dan calls as he stops in front of her. Relief floods through him. He was close to tears from worry, but Lily seems to have answers.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” she screams. Dan is taken aback.

“What?” he asks with confusion.

“How could you let him out of your sight?” Dan furrows his brows.

“Do you know where he is? I told you, he walked out when I was dozing back off.”

Lily huffs. “He’s been picked up by the police. No thanks to you.” Lily turns her back to Dan.

“I didn’t know he was going to run off naked,” Dan shoots back.

“He’s bipolar. He’s been manic the whole time you’ve known him. Stay the hell away from him.” Lily storms off, leaving a bewildered Dan standing on the pavement.

~~~

Monday’s weather is a reflection of how Dan feels inside: dreary and grey. The weekend feels like a weird fever dream. After Lily left him on the pavement, Dan returned to the hotel. He gathered all their belongings and checked out of the hotel. He’s thankful that Phil had paid for the room before they checked in. All Dan had to cover was the room service.

Dan had tried to contact Phil, but his calls and texts went unanswered. He begins to worry. He spends all day in a fog, not really noticing life happening around him. When he gets home that night, he googles bipolar disorder. Then, he spends the rest of the night flipping through the results.

~~~

There’s no word about or from Phil by Wednesday. Dan’s mood had kept slipping lower and lower with each passing hour. It comes to a head during lunch.

“Could you please tell us what’s going on?” Jonas asks. Dan looks around the table. Both Alec and Ryder are looking at him with concerned expressions. Dan sighs and drops his head down.

“I think Phil and I are over.” Dan looks up at the boys through his lashes. The boys have matching confused expression.

“Why?” Alec asks.

“You guys seemed so happy just a few days ago,” Jonas chimes in.

“He’s Bipolar and apparently has been manic the entire time we’ve been together.”

Jonas and Alec’s eyes are wide. Ryder’s brow is deeply furrowed.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“He never told me, and then Saturday, he went running naked through the street. I haven’t heard anything since that night. I guess it was the peak of this whole episode.”

“Do you like my mother?” Ryder asks after a moment. It’s Dan’s turn to furrow his brow.

“Yes. She’s awesome.”

“She’s Bipolar.”

“Really?” All the attention turns to Ryder. He nods.

“She has good days and bad. When she’s up, we would do great and sometimes random things, like, going on random trips to amusement parks. When she’s down, it’s struggle. She stays in bed and is low for a while. Even with medication, she still struggles. It’s worth it, though.” Dan’s brain glitches out. He’s known Ryder and his family for years. How he had never noticed, he will never know.

“So they can have lasting relationships?” Dan asks.

Ryder nods. “Yes, but sometimes it isn’t easy.”

“So was our relationship all a lie?”

Ryder shakes his head. “No. It more so enhances what the person is already feeling. Who told you that he was manic the whole time?”

“His ex-girlfriend.” The boys roll their eyes.

“Of course she’s going to say that, she’s the ex,” Jonas states. Dan nods.

~~~

Father: Are you and your boyfriend still coming tonight?

Dan sighs as he reads the message. It’s been a few weeks since everything went down with Phil. Honestly, he had forgotten all about the service. His heart clenches. He had been looking forward to introducing Phil to his parents. That was before that fateful Saturday and Phil basically dropped off the face of the earth.

Dan: I will, but he won’t be

Father: Why not?

Dan: We broke up

Father: I’m sorry to hear that. I’m here for you if you need anything.

Dan smiles and warmth spreads through his chest as he reads the last message. Despite their issues, it’s nice to know that his Father cares for him.

Dan: Thank you I will

~~~

Dan’s parents walk arm-in-arm into the church. He’s following a few steps behind them. Candles are lit everywhere, and people in their Sunday best are filling the sanctuary. Dan shuffles into a pew next to his parents.

The priest takes his place at the pulpit while the choir settles in behind him. The priest starts to speak, but Dan tunes him out. Dan’s phone buzzes for a long time against his leg. He pulls out his phone as discreetly as he can. The choir is starting their first song.

Phil: I’m sorry for everything I put you through. I didn’t tell you about my Bipolar Disorder because I wanted to believe that it didn't matter. That I could have you like me for me. I see now that it was all a mistake. I’m so sorry. I’m at the spot where we first met and I’ve been thinking about everything we went through. I don’t regret our time together, but I understand if you do. Good-bye Dan. I’ll always love you.

Dan’s out of his seat before he can even process what he’s doing. He’s moving as fast as his feet can carry him, holding onto hope that he can make it to the spot before Phil does something drastic.

~~~

He skids to a stop at the bench. It’s empty. Dan’s heart clenches in his chest. He turns in a quick circle. The area around is the pub is deserted. His eyes frantically scan the area, but nothing changes.

A noise behind him causes Dan to jump. He spins around as the door for the pub opens. A dejected and pale looking Phil walks through the doorway. He’s bundled in multiple layers and has a backpack hanging off his shoulders. He slowly shuffles out on the pavement. Dan lets out a sigh of relief.

Phil stops about a foot away from the door. He looks small, scared, and sad. Dan quickly crosses the distance between them, stopping right in front of Phil. They stare at each other for a few moments, and then Dan opens his arms. Phil takes two steps and presses himself close to Dan. Dan wraps his arms around Phil. He feels the weight being lifted off his chest, like he can finally breathe again.

Dan takes Phil back to his place. They strip down to t-shirts and boxers before crawling under Dan’s covers. Phil falls asleep like he hasn’t slept in days. Dan stays awake all night, watching Phil sleep. Slightly worried that if he nods off, Phil will disappear, and this will all have been a dream.

~~~

Phil's phone buzzes and Dan frowns. He quickly picks it up and glances at Phil. He stirs, but, thankfully, doesn't wake.

“Hello?”

“Dan? Oh thank goodness,” Lily states. Dan frowns.

“What?” He’s confused as to why Lily would be wanting to talk to him.

“Look I need to apologize. I reacted horribly the other night when you called.”

“It was a bizarre situation. I don't blame you.” Lily sighs.

“It's not just the other night. It's what you represent.” Dan’s brow furrows.

“What I represent?” he parrots back.

“Phil and I were together for a very long time. It wasn't always easy. Sometimes, I could only think to the next minute to make it through. Then, you came along and I had to face the end. I didn't handle that well.”

“I don't blame you. I didn't mean to come between the two of you.” Lily sighs.

“We were over long before you came into the picture. We were both clinging to the past and neither had a reason to end it. Then you showed up and gave Phil a reason.” Dan’s heart flutters.

“I see.”

“Take care of him.”

“I will.” they hang up without the formalities of good-bye.

Her words tumble around in Dan’s head as he returns to watching Phil sleep. He knows that their relationship won’t be easy, but they’ll be able to work through everything together. Standing hand in hand, taking things minute by minute, they can take on the world.

~~~

“Hey,” Phil states when he wakes up the next morning. Dan gives him a small smile.

“Hey,” Dan whispers.

“Thanks for coming to get me.”

Dan reaches out and cups Phil’s cheek in his hand. He gently rubs his thumb across the skin. “I’ll always come for you.”

Phil closes his eyes briefly and slightly leans into Dan’s touch. “You shouldn’t have to. I should have been honest with you.”

Dan shrugs with one shoulder. “It’s ok. I can understand why you didn’t tell me. I’m not mad. We will just have to work through it.”

Phil rubs his head against the pillow, trying to shake his head. “You shouldn’t have to deal with me.”

Dan shakes his head. “I want to deal with everything when it comes to you. You make it worth it.”

Tears form in Phil’s eyes. “It won’t be easy.”

Dan nods. “I know.”

“What happens when things get tough?” Phil’s voice comes out as a painful whisper.

Dan thinks for a moment. “We’re going to play a game. It’s called the ‘Dan and Phil: Minute by Minute’ game.”

Phil gives Dan a half smile. “How does it work?”

“We will take everything minute by minute. When one minute becomes hard, we will wait for the next minute to come and move forward.” Tears start to slide down Phil’s cheeks. He moves forward buries his head in Dan’s neck. Dan holds him as tight as he’s able to.

“Thank you,” Phil says right into Dan’s skin.

~~~

It’s the end of the semester, and Christmas is right around the corner. Everyone has taken over Dan’s flat for the party. He’s not even complaining about hosting. He, Phil, Carter, and Nora had spent the whole day before decorating. The tree looks fully decorated. The lights twinkle where they’ve been strung around the flat, giving off a warm, soft glow.

Dan walks through the living room, smiling at various people as he walks by. He finds Phil standing in the kitchen, slowly sipping a soda. Dan smiles wide and slips his arms around Phil’s waist, pulling him close.

“Hey. Missed you,” Dan mumbles into Phil’s shoulder. Phil throws his head back in laughter. He places a kiss on the top of Dan’s head.

“Missed you, too.”

“Oi love birds,” a voice shatters their private moment. Dan reluctantly pulls back and finds Iman standing just inside the door to the kitchen.

“Yes?” Dan asks with annoyance. Iman rolls her eyes and smiles. She pulls something out of her pocket and holds it out. Stepping closer, Dan gets a better look at it. It’s a small bag of weed. “Is that?” he asks. Iman nods. Phil furrows his brow.

“It’s your ten percent.” Iman drops the bag into Dan’s waiting hand.

“Why are you giving Dan weed?” Phil asks.

Iman smirks. “He knows that he’s earned it.” Dan chuckles as he slides the bag into his pocket. “Happy Christmas,” Iman calls as she leaves the room.

Phil turns towards Dan. “Are you going to tell me what that was about?”

Dan shrugs. “Maybe someday.” Phil wraps an arm around Dan’s waist, pulling him close. Dan slips his arm across Phil’s upper back.

“Are you going to share?” Phil asks.

Dan laughs and shakes his head. “You know you can’t have any due to your meds.” Phil pouts and tightens his grip.

“You’re mean,” Phil states. Dan chuckles.

“You love me,” Dan declares.

Phil smiles wide and nuzzles into Dan’s hair. “Yes, more with each passing minute.”

Dan pulls back and smiles wide. “I love you too.” They share a sweet, gentle kiss.

Dan pulls back and stares at Phil. Happiness overflows his heart. He knows things will never be easy, but moments like this will make everything worth it. Dan leans in again, capturing Phil’s lips with his own.

#PBB #phan #dan and phil #skam

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amzngphil-rp · 5 years

Text

The Motions of Dealing With People You Hate|| Baby Shower AU

@wishes-in-the--markmark @kristenmcatee-rp @crywastaken-rp @nerdynumme-rp

“But Papa-”

“No buts, Elliot. We have to go to Auntie Ro’s baby shower.”

“But the baby isn’t even there yet...” the boy fussed, folding his arms and turning away from Phil. He sighed and stood up, “Daniel!”

“What?!” screams the man from the other room, rushing in and standing in the doorway, “Phil what’s going on, he’s supposed to be dressed?!”

“Your son’s not getting dressed. He claims that because the baby’s not there, he shouldn’t have to go to the party,” Phil explains.

“Yeah, you guys just like dressing us up to go to parties,” Elliot adds.

Phil and Dan look at each other, concerned, then shrug as the dark haired one stood up and walked towards his husband, kissing his cheek in passing, “Your turn, babe.”

“B-b-b-bah..Phil..PHIL- ah god,” Dan tried to say before Phil was already downstairs.

“Love you, too, honey! I’m gonna get Persi something to eat, so we’ll meet you at the party-”

“But I-”

“I have to talk to my daughter, babe....go talk to your son!” he yelled as the keys jingled and the door opened.

“Bye Dan!” Persephone yelled before the door closed and locked.

“You had a point, Elli, but you get to see Harlan, and I get to drink with Papa, so let’s go get dressed.”

Shawna walked into the house and saw Vega playing with his puppy and smiled, “Hey Alti, how’s it going?”

“I’m Vega,” he looked up and let the dog lick his face.

“Sorry, buddy, I like your outfit...where’s your dad?” she asked, walking up and holding up her hand for him to five.

He fived back, “He’s in the room with Altair, I think he’s trying to cheer up or get ready to see mommy again...I dunno.”

“He’s still in the room, Vega...He’s not getting up-” said Shawna, expecting it.

“Oh my god! We’re gonna be late...We can’t be late to our baby sister’s baby shower!” Altair stomped down to greet Shawna, also giving her five.

“Uncle Joey will have a conniption,” Vega added, looking at his twin.

“Well yes, but your mom will be very disappointed in your dad,” Shawna said, “So I’m gonna see if I can get him up.”

“Miss Shawna likes my outfit,” Vega said as he stood up.

“Why can’t he get up himself?” Altair asked.

“Come here,” Shawna said, bringing them in and putting her hands on each of their shoulders, “Boys, your mom and your dad are having some problems agreeing with each other and your dad feels...very very bad about missing your mom.”

“Well, if it’s daddy’s fault then he should fix it,” Vega said folding his arms.

“It’s..welll..like I said, they are disagreeing with each other. It happens, just like you two don’t like things that each of you do all of the time, it still happens when you grow up,” Shawna explained, “So your mommy and daddy put themselves in time out.”

“But they have our baby sister coming,” Altair said, concerned.

“Is that why Reiner and Sylvan are with mommy?” Vega asked.

“More or less, yes...They’re taking care of your mommy and telling daddy that she’s okay and when the baby kicks and stuff when Uncle Joey can’t be there because he’s got kids of his own,” Shawna replied.

“I remember that. He slept over the first couple nights-” said Vega.

“Oh and remember when Uncle Ryan made us shepherds’ pie?” Altair piped up.

“Alright, then why don’t you guys get a bottle of water from the fridge and I’ll meet you guys back out here?” Shawna asked. Both of the boys nodded.

“We have to take Muffins for a walk anyway,” Vega said as they could hear the dog whine and paw at the door.

“Deal.”

Shawna was very surprised when Mark called her, but if the boys were any indication that shit had hit the fan, this was all she needed to know. She crept into the room, which was dark and full of trash. She dredged through it and got to the window, turning the shades on and getting some light going, which erupted a roar from the man. “Mark!”

“Shaw...what?!” he sits up, “How’d you get here so fast?”

“I own a car now...And you called me like last night? This morning, all I know is you told me to help you get over to the shower while your car’s getting worked on,” Shawna explained.

“What time is it?” he grumbled, rubbing his face and checking his phone, “OOHH SHHIT!” He begins to rush out of bed and starts throwing his clothes around running around the room, “Th-th-the Boys!..Aw god!”

“They said they’ve been ready to go for a while, they went to go walk the dog,” Shawna said, sitting on his bed, “When’s the last time you showered?”

“Yesterday, I just..I don’t remember after I got home from the gym..” Mark explained, rushing into the bathroom, turning the water on and throwing himself around, grunting as he frantically showered.

“Well you skipped the shower, but you fed the boys. There’s dishes in the sink...This is grad school all over again-”

“I didn’t...Ok, maybe I had to a few times,” Mark said, scrubbing furiously all through his body, “I’m not trying to.. be like that..today..especially.”

“Yeah, I know it’s hard, but you’ve got some good boys there, Mark. I can just let you borrow my car and you can take them-”

“NO..no..well..maybe,” Mark said as he grabbed his towel and wrapped it around himself, “Y-you wouldn’t mind?” he asked, sheepishly, shampoo still in his hair and squinting as he panted.

“Yeah, I could..watch the dog while you’re gone,” Shawna shrugged with a smile.

“But you’re all dressed to go..I wanted you to go with me..I-I need you to go with me...for the boys-”

“The boys will be fine, Mark. They’re older now, and their older brothers will be there..I’d think you just want me to drop you guys off or something..You’re the father, so- go wash your hair back out!” Shawna said, pushing him back into the bathroom, “Come on, don’t skip steps!”

Mark went back into the bathroom and began brushing his teeth and began to feel himself smile. Shawna’s good at keeping him on top, he was alone in doing this before, and who’s to say how many times he’s stopped getting ready because he just would. Grad school made the difference for him because he was doing it for Ro, he was doing it for his babies, but it was all still so hard. He never would have thought he’d befriend the girl who manipulated him and who used to make him uncomfortable if it wasn’t for their class project and that they were assigned as partners for working on their thesis. She really kept him together when he felt the most alone. He just never really said anything to Ro, who had been focusing on her cookbooks and her baking show, all the while being a mom. He knew they would disagree about being apart and doing what they both needed for each other, but he had to do good for himself and not just ride her coattails.

Shawna always kept in the back of her mind that Mark and she are really lucky they had an opportunity to hit it off in grad school because she at times would look at Mark and see Andrew and his simple air, his caring eyes and his devotion. It reminded her of better times. Now as a wounded woman who grew, Shawna saw something in Mark in grad school that gave her strength not to do anything dumb- his devastation and fear of losing it all. His fear of losing Ro- the only thing that kept him sane, the fear of losing his boys- the things that kept him going, the fear of losing his family- the thing he created that could die in his hands. She wasn’t there to be with him, she was there to be for him, to be a friend when he was alone. Help him keep his routines up.

“Cyr...put that out and help us!” Joey called from across the room.

“Can it, Joey, I can work and smoke,” he said, taking one last drag.

“I’m surprised he’s still smoking actual cigarette,” mutters Cry.

“I’m sorry, but my vape’s in the shop. I’ll chew tobacco next time,” he said back, walking past them.

“Ew,” Cry and Joey said together.

“Aren’t you two just charming? Now..Rosie, dollface,” Cyr said, walking up to her in the kitchen, decorating cupcakes and cookies, “You need me to help you in here?”

“Uhmm..well yeah, can you first off not smoke in my house? Thank you,” Ro said, not looking up from the cookie, “Also there are salads in the fridge that need to come out. Fruit tarts and treats for the little ones and the last of the souffle need to come out of the oven and set, BE CAREFUL-”

“I got it, I got it, I know how souffle works,” Cyr said, closing the refrigerator gently and setting down the trays of treats, “They look great, doll..”

Ro blushed and looked up at Cyr, smiling at him. She felt a pang in her heart because Mark should be here. He should be here: helping with the party, helping with the decorations, helping her with the food setup. She just couldn’t deny herself him, either. She remembered the night. She had just gotten out the shower, they hadn’t even been sep-apart for more than a month. They were still blaming each other. And she had been...not here. She needed to feel, she needed something to get her going- she needed him. She called from a number through an app and couldn’t believe it was still the same. Her voice was croaky and shaky, it stuttered in her step to say it was her. She wanted to lie. She wanted to stop this. On the other hand, it was just a phone call, she could hang up at any time- she could just-

Well if it isn’t ring around the Rosie...How’s life?

Her breath had never caught harder. Toes curling, mouth agape, trying to crumple herself up so he couldn’t see her in her PJs and through her. 9PM turned into 11, and 11 turned into 3AM. 3AM turned into him coming over. He offered her a cigarette in the yard and she refused- she broke the news and loosened her robe. He nodded and pushed his hair back again. Ro felt her lip swollen from biting it so much, he put his hand on her face and stroked her cheek, just hard enough to make her stop biting her lip. He walked past her and went back into the house. She yapped quietly for him to come back and he turned around, confused. She realized then she reached for her wedding ring and her right hand to the necklace he bought her- and the left hand was bare. She covered her mouth and then tightened her robe, walking towards him with her own charm and talked with him about the party with one more cigarette.

They would get into this routine frequently, for the next couple of months while she planned and didn’t speak to Mark. She’d put her phone on Do Not Disturb just after the last kid put his head on a pillow and he’d be outside. They’d go for a drive, he’d talk to her. He’d barely touch her, and when she did she felt fireworks. She frequently forgot her wedding ring. Lied to Cyr when he asked where her necklace went about the clasp being broken and needing to be cleaned, so it’s away. She’d lie to her friends about talking to Mark and writing him letters. Shawna came by Mark’s every other day or so and there wasn’t a single parcel or note.

Joey and Cry were seething as they hung decorations and watched those two in the kitchen.

“I thought she was done with him,” Cry muttered, “Wasn’t that what she said?”

“Urgh..I really...really can’t right now, babe,” Joey said, throwing down the excess decorations and stomping towards the group of balloons starting to separate them.

“Babe..you’re upset..come here, take a break,” Cry said, pulling his husband close to him.

“SHE LIED!” Joey yelled, stomping, “She never lies and here she is with the grand master of fucking lies!”

“Alright alright, babe, let it out, come on..come here..I’m right here,” Cry soothed him, walking him to another part of the house.

Ro and Cyr were too busy laughing and having a brief water fight to notice.

The party has just begun and Shawna pulls up with the boys and a clean and put-together Mark. She looked and saw everyone here and all the kids running around and smiled, spotting Kristen and walking over to talk with her and PJ.

Ro saw the whole thing from their bedroom window, she seethed. How dare she touch him? How dare she bring him here? How dare she touch their children, their dog? She shouldn’t be here. She ripped up a letter she had written to Mark and headed downstairs.

Mark was reacquainting himself with his house that he bought for his family, walking through the halls and touching everything. He never felt more together. He rushed upstairs, skipping steps, “RoBoat?!” He went faster as he approached the other flight and ascended some more, “RoBoat?!” He ran past the second landing and froze at the steps to their bedroom. He panted, enraged, YOU.

Cyr looked down and was raised his eyebrows, “Uh...Rosie?” he called back into the room before he was thrown against the wall.

“What are doing here...HUH?!..What are doing here?! Speak, you fuck! You bothering my wife again?! You can’t take a fucking message?! Even after all these years you goddamned snake!” Mark was tightening his grip and slamming the lanky man against his wall, pictures further down the hall falling, “I swear to GOD you laid one fucking filthy hand on her or my fucking children you’re a stain, you hear me?! A STAIN! FINISHED! OBLITERATED!”

“MARK?!” Shawna came running up the steps with Joey, Cry, Kristen, and Leda not far behind.

Hearing the ruckus being caused in the house, PJ acted quick and closed the door, turning to the concerned people who had gathered.

“Alright everybody, grab your kids and grab a seat! Uncle PJ is gonna put on a magic show!”

While Shawna and Cry were attempting to pull Cyr and Mark off of each other. Leda was standing still in shock that Cyr was here. He was actually here. She knew he was in Cali, but she hadn’t..it just hadn’t crossed her mind. She only kicked into gear when she heard a resounding slap from where Shawna was standing, “Woah what the fuck?!” she exclaimed.

“Don’t you touch my HUSBAND!” Ro screamed when she slapped Shawna and wrapped her hair around her hand and wrist, dragging her back, “You don’t think I SAW you with him, you whore! Why can’t you leave us alone?! Putting your dirty..fucking..fingers all over OUR CHILDREN!” She was blind with rage, slamming the girl into the ground, pulling her up to kick her in the face and then slamming her into the opposing wall and knocking down the other frames hanging on the wall.

Kristen and Leda ran up to the other women and got Ro to let go, and Shawna lay motionless on the floor. Ro was still in a state of rage and hysterics until she exclaimed from pain, and she clutched her stomach. Both girls ran her up to her room and the men stopped fighting as they looked at Ro clearly in discomfort. Mark sprung up and sprinted towards their bedroom with Joey and Cry behind him. Cyr sat up against the wall, panting using his sleeve to wipe the blood off. Kristen came back into the hallway and helped Shawna up, who was regaining consciousness, “You alright?...Holy fuck she did a number on you!”

“Y-yea..” Shawna said, panting as well, holding her head, “She’s got a helluva hurt for a pregnant lady..And look at you..am I seeing a ghost?” They both giggled as she started to clean herself up and asses her injuries, collecting the hair that got pulled out in the thrashing.

“I’m gonna go get some ice,” Kristen said, getting up then stopping to look at Cyr, “I’ve heard about you..hate to meet ya like this, brother.”

“Vincent Cyr...pleasure’s all mine, you woulda met me like this anyway..and just make that ice a double sweetie,” he said weakly with a bloody grin.

Scoffing Kristen rushed off with a slight blush on her cheeks.

Leda came rushing back down and looked at her friends who looked back at her- as if to ask if Ro’s okay, “She’s just too excited, and her and Mark need to talk anyway..but god you two look like shit.” They all chuckled a little then Shawna groaned.

“I think she broke my rib,” Shawna said.

“I think he broke my nose,” Cyr said.

Leda sat in the hall next to Shawna and Cyr crawled over to sit next to them, “What am I gonna do about you two?” she sighed, putting a hand on both of their knees.

“An ambulance is a place to start,” Shawna said, smiling and looking down at the both of them, “And she musta knocked me hard cus I swear I’m seeing ghosts.”

“You?! Shit, I got this woman here pregnant and hadn’t seen her since,” Cyr said.

“Not funny,” Leda said, texting Matt downstairs to call an ambulance, “And I’m sorry. But..I’m definitely doing better now.”

“That’s good to hear, Leeds. ANd Shawna Howson is talking now?! Crazy,” Cyr said, looking at her, “How in the hell did you get involved with Mark to the point that you brought him here and Ro fucked you up like that? I’ve never seen her like that.”

“I always could, but it was just hard before,” Shawna began, “And neither have I. When they weren’t together and Mark was going through it, he had to clean the art room as punishment for some destruction he did to the Theta house and I had to supervise...His meds were fucked up and I told him that if we played a little game of Simon Says I’ll do him a solid and say he was here the whole day and he could go to his dorm and edit.”

“Oh MY GOD! SHawna! What’d you make him do?!” Leda asked, looking at her incredulously, “Cus I knew it musta been bad if I’ve never seen her like that either.”

“Did you fuck’em?” Cyr asked.

“Nah, we got a little handsy and we made out..Nothing deep. I forgot who, but someone went back and told her and she went off and warned me then to stay away from her and him or else,” Shawna explained, “I had no idea miss sugar sweet would be so rotten.”

“So you must have done something right if you’re cool with him to bring him and his kids to his wife’s baby shower while they’re separated,” Cyr said.

“Yeah well, I don’t think that was it. Cus see, something like this happened in grad school. She was pregnant again and him and her were really struggling. So they separated for a while, and his friends had all moved away so he was stuck on grad campus with me for six months before he could move back in with Ro, who was running around doing her book tour...And I didn’t do anything, obviously...he had just gotten married! But! He needed a friend. So I’d moved in with him to save on room and board costs and kept him alive and well while we finished our thesis. I just assumed he just never told Ro because he was only getting taken care of and wasn’t fucking me, and now today is a fact that I know he didn’t. So, you know, same thing four years later, he called me up and him and the twins have been sharing my house with me for the past couple months,” she explained, “And I’m guessing she called you up, Cyr?”

“Wait, wait! Cyr you were fucking her?!” Leda interrupted.

“No, no, nah..She’s married. If I wanted to ruin a marriage I’d go home and watch my ex-girlfriend text me behind my ex-roommates back- who’s now her husband, but that’s another story for another time,” he began, “Cus Ro likes the idea of being intimate with me and it soaks her panties that she can’t. So, I was a good friend and listened to her talk and took her on late night drives after her kids went to bed. She told me the first night we met up again two months ago she was pregnant with the baby because she refused to sneak cigs with me or drink- and when she did, she wanted wine. So you know, nice talk here, gentle platonic touch there, just anything to get her out of her head a little and stop biting her fucking lip. I’m surprised it never bled.”

“Wow...what card,” Shawna scoffed, “PJ did that for a while but then he realized I’m dependent on it, so he essentially put me in rehab to stop and I’ve been trying to find that someone since. Also, he couldn’t have his house vice a mess.”

“Cyr, come on, you’re telling me you were that clean? That doesn’t seem like you,” Leda challenged, “You didn’t finger her or eat her out or anything?”

“If I told you, I wouldn’t say it upstairs with them in the next room,” Cyr chuckled, “But I will say that some things happened but I’d stop because it’s...it’s just not right, you know? They gotta work their issues out by themselves and she can’t run off to live in her fantasies and lie to her husband about it. We’re adults now, we coulda gotten killed. Also, she’s got a fifth child to think about, and that means she’s not taking birth control and I’m absolutely not even touching that with my dick or a fifty-foot pole.”

Just then the ambulance pulled up and Kristen came upstairs with bags of ice.

#ho boy #what a throwback #cyr #leda #ro #mark #shawna #pj #cry #joey #phil #dan

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