#potentially... i found them officially through official announcements.

[para-atypical]

Since people are talking about the IGN photos, Amazon also released a collection of images regarding Hazbin. (these are visible in the ASSETS tab, the site is made with JavaScript so i cant link it to that tab. sorry!)

To my knowledge these aren't leaks, and are official images as they are found on the amazon studio website. linked to official announcement posts. But they might spoil some content for people when it comes to designs and... quality. as well as episode content ( theres an image, or multiple for episodes "0" - 7 ) I'm thinking they might be promotional material for specific episodes, but unfortunately some of the images picked are blatantly off model, or visibly strange. Although i assume some people will be glad to see them/use them. Some of the images are the Unedited IGN images, without their logo. I screenshotted some of the images below: (correction, i later figured out how to get the files through the code, so they are the highest quality possible.)

I went ahead and organized them by episode number found in the file name, 5 of them are just labled "1" rather than "101" or "102" etc. Ill label them 0, for now. I believe they might have removed the numbers for them since they might include spoilers for the episodes? we can see that Alastor was used twice, and the angle + husk one looks to be from episode 4 (see the background) 0:

1:

2:

3:

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5:

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7:

[lucifermonsii]

Hybrid!Keegan x Male!Reader

Chapter 1: "Where are you?"

He didin't know what happened, how it happened.

Team Ghost was lost from the radar.

Communications through their radio was nearly impossible when they first disappeared from the previous mission.

It's been 2 days since the disappearance so far, M/N laid on his bed as he stares blankly at the ceiling in disbelief. Keegan was gone. Well not really it takes 7 years to officially announce a missing person dead. But from the pass few days it felt like hours, weeks, months, years. Maybe he was thinking too much into it.

So there he laid on the mattress of his bed as he stares at the blank ceiling in a daze, glancing over at his phone before picking it up and sitting up on his bed. Looking at his notifications and going through his socials, wanting to find motivation to do something. Wanting to distract himself from Keegan's current situation, but the case was disturbing him. Like an annoying itch that he wasn't able to scratch.

Finally M/N places his phone down and stood up, going to his closet to pick an appropriate outfit to wear, which were his go to black cargo pants and a black compression shirt over a half zipped sage green jacket. After wearing his boots he heads out of the comfort of his room and steps down the hallway, footsteps were light as no noises were made. Just indistinct chatters from here and there and soldier walking by, he makes his way into the captains office. Seeing a worried Price rummaging through the piles of files he that sat on his desk.

"Hey Capt."

M/N says as he knocks on the door and enters the office, looking at Price with his e/c eyes. His tone having laced with worry made the captain slightly raise his eyebrow.

"Hello boy."

He sighs as he places down the files, turning his attention towards M/N. His eyes travels up and down taking in the demeanour of the male infront of him, clearly nervous.

"Is there something you want?"

┌── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┐

M/N returns back to the barracks and into his room, placing the files down as he goes through them. Eyes moving around as he reads throughly and looks at the files of the missing case, glancing at his tablet of the mission's details, everything. Having a whole map at his wall and other important papers he had from the past few days of researching of how it went down. The mission was to retrieve a classified information at a warehouse, it was simple really. Get it and get out. But it didin't really go to plan due to them now gone.

Then he realises.

Not to far from the location of the mission there was a hidden base somewhere within the area, recent reports of there being a few evidence was there such as small plastic objects, slight broken glass and a few trails that stops at no where. His suspicions furthens. Looking back at the files as he does his research. Searching at the past reports of incidents and cases that accorded in the area he came across a potential lead, an old case of illegal animal testing and abuse that was found at a building not far from where the mission was. His tired eyes slightly lit up when he realises that Keegan- team ghost- could be there.

With that he picked up his phone and sends a message to Price.

"I might know where they are."

@arthurmorgansballsack

[sweetbuckybarnes]

Paper Rings

Pairings: Colin + Penelope Bridgerton

Summary: A snippet into how Colin and Penelope’s wedding might turn out.

Masterlist | Albums | Lover Album

The wine is cold, like the shoulder that I gave you in the street. Cat and mouse for a month or two or three, now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe.

Colin’s feelings for Penelope grew softly like a burning candle - the feelings were always there (it’s why he always looked for her at every ball and social situation), it just took him far too long to feel the warmth he had become accustomed to.

He had watched her from the other side of one of the many ballrooms they found themselves him, he had always searched for her. It wasn't until after their kiss - that his feelings for her hit him square in the face.

They had just watched Francesca marry Lord John Stirling, and his little sister Fran had just become the Countess of Kilmartin. He had always cried at weddings, his little sister's was no exception. Colin knew he would cry when Penelope walked down the aisle in three days, to share their life together.

He reached over and took his fiancée's hand in his to stop her from following the congregation out of the chapel. "Hello, you," he smiled down at her.

"Hello," Penelope says quietly, she had told him last night that she was the writer behind the Lady Whistledown sheets. He had a fairly sleepless night as he came to terms with the woman he loves more than life itself - is the same vindictive woman who announced Lady Crane's pregnancy, and nearly destroyed Eloise's reputation.

But, as he looked at what had happened the previous seasons - looking from Penelope's perspective. She saved him from a loveless marriage to a woman who would have tried to tell him her twins were his, she saved Daphne from a dreadful courtship and potential marriage to Lord Berbrooke, she saved Eloise from the goddamn Queen of England!

"You, my beautiful bride-to-be, are bloody brilliant!"

Penelope looks up at Colin in surprise. Those weren't the words she expected him to say. She blinks a few times, trying to understand if she heard him correctly.

"You have had the entire ton wrapped around your little finger for three years. They wait for any kind of gossip coming from you. You have hidden your identity from them all this time!"

He takes her by her hands and spins her around in the middle of the aisle. "I can not wait the next three days until the moment when we are standing at that altar," Colin points up at the altar. "And we exchange our vows."

I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings, uh-huh, that's right, darling, you're the one I want! And I hate accidents, except when we went from friends to this, uh-huh, that's right, darling, you're the one I want! In paper rings, in picture frames, in dirty dreams. Oh! You're the one I want!

Colin felt tears coming to his eyes, as he watched Penelope walk down the aisle, on the arm of her brother-in-law, Mr. Dankworth. He had always been one to get emotional at weddings, he did at Daphne's and both of Anthony's, he nearly sobbed when his baby sister Francesca tied the knot. But, now, it was his turn.

The sunlight shining through the windows bounced off her red curls, her veil gently laying against the back of her head, a beautiful bouquet gripped tightly in her hands with a single ray of sunshine shining from the engagement ring which had once belonged to Violet Bridgerton, the sole believer that two people could go from being just friends to more.

She met him in front of the altar, smiling up at him as Mr. Dankworth stood only slightly between Colin and Penelope, waiting for the cue from the officiant to pass Penelope over to Colin (a part of her transition from Featherington to Bridgerton).

"Who gives this woman away?" He asked.

"I do," Mr. Dankworth said, leaving a familiar kiss on Penelope's knuckles, shaking hands with Colin and making his way back down the steps to the Featherington side.

Kiss you once ‘cause I know you had a long night, kiss you twice ‘cause it’s gonna be alright, three times ’cause you waited your whole life.

For once in his life, Colin didn’t care about a wedding breakfast. He wanted to go to his new home with his new wife and do unspeakable things to her. Well, unspeakable to the rest of the ton…

Even though he said he didn’t care about the wedding breakfast - that does not mean he wasn’t going to eat. That would be completely out of character for him.

But he was going to make it well known how much he adores his wife.

Eventually, Portia got sick of looking at Colin fawning over her third daughter (her two other sons-in-law hadn’t acted like this when they got married, or since in front of her) and almost demanded they be sent on their ‘honeymoon’.

Colin took this as the green light to hide his wife away from the ton for nearly a month. That was his plan anyway.

His plan after their month hidden away, was to travel to some of the countries he had already visited - but now with his wife.

I want to drive away with you, I want your complications too. I want your dreary Mondays, wrap your arms around me, baby boy.

After greeting the staff of their new home, Colin carried Penelope up the stairs to their chambers (which they had already done and had some… intimate… moments before they were wed).

Colin shut the door behind them, making sure to turn the lock so they wouldn’t be disturbed.

He turns in his spot to look at his wife. His wife . "I love you," Colin tells her. "I love you with everything I am, everything I have been and everything I hope to be."

"Colin..." Penelope trails off, looking up at her future husband with her wide eyes.

"I love you with my past, and I love you for my future. I love you for the children we will have and for the years we will have together. I love you for every one of my smiles, and even more, for every one of your smiles."

He reaches out to cup her face, and gently wipes away the tear. “Nothing could ever make me not love you. Even Whistledown.”

[btshoseong]

👣. !!: HOSEONG’S DATING HISTORY ‧₊˚

↺ 💌 ࣪ ˖ ∿ author’s note , @ jise3oul were always wild bitches from the beginning bro 🤡 anyways have fun with this! a new update after like a month :,)

⊂ MOON ✶ GA YOUNG ⊃

╭・ฅ🕸﹕year - 2O17 - 2O19 !

╰・ฅ🕸️ : status - exes !

HOSEONG MET GA YOUNG for the first time through Cha Eunwoo as he was a close friend and hyung figure of the Astro member. Ga young had come across Eunwoo during their time together at Sungkyunwan University in 2O16, but officially got to know Hoseong after Eunwoo had invited the both of them to Astro’s first concert in Seoul in 2O17. They really got talking during that time, even to a point that Eunwoo had to tease and pout at them when they were all gathered in the dressing room together for forgetting to acknowledge his existence :,)

HOSEONG AND GA YOUNG had become friends by that time and soon news of Ga young’s role in ‘Romeo & Juliet’ was announced online. Hoseong, who had a busy schedule, had no idea of this until Eunwoo reached out to tell him about it. He proceeded to send Ga young flowers with a note of support and good luck and later called her up with another good luck message (which was raided heavily by Taehyung and Hoseok who also congratulated the woman after Hoseong had mentioned her to them). Ga young found it very cute, appreciating the gesture and thanking him almost a little shyly.

THEIR INTERACTIONS WOULD go on like this for probably a few months where Ga young oftentimes returned the favour of support she got from Hoseong back to him during his comebacks with BTS. The calls would start with messages of support and before they know it, the both of them are up past late hours, smiling and giggling, with Hoseong trying to keep his voice down as Taehyung is fast asleep in the bed a few feet away from his own. He loved it—their talks. And weeks after that the duo would officially tie the knot as boyfriend and girlfriend!

THINGS WERE CLEARLY GOING great for a while. It was Hoseong’s first official relationship and he had been with this girl for just about two years before the toll of clashing schedules took effect. He had been fine with not seeing her regularly in the beginning, usually settling for facetime and text messages, but the longer they were together, the more Hoseong began to crave physical intimacy as a means to express his love.

IT WAS BECAUSE OF HIS OWN dissatisfaction as a partner that Hoseong had chosen to break up with Ga young because even before this, they had discussed potential breaks. He was on the path of passivity, sometimes just having no energy to want to talk to her and on other days feeling frustrated that they couldn’t work something out to be able to see each other more often. They broke up due to rather unfortunate circumstances, leaving Ga young feeling disheartened in a way that meant their relationship couldn’t be continued outside of the realm of romantic.

⊂ PARK ✶ JIMIN ⊃

╭・ฅ🕸﹕year - well… it’s a little complicated !

╰・ฅ🕸️ : status - first kiss (with a boy) , fuck buddies (previous) , dating (current & undisclosed to the public) !

HOSEONG AND JIMIN’S RELATIONSHIP started off quite simply. They were two ordinary boys under the same company, working together as rookies. Jimin was an… interesting character to Hoseong, to say the least. After all, Hoseong hadn’t always been the lovely little ball of sunshine that he is, especially not towards the beginning stages of Bangtan’s development and debut as he struggled tirelessly with problems ranging from homesickness and lack of sleep, to providing assistance for his family with rent and school supplies. Jimin, ever the attentive saint, was one of Hoseong’s pillars of happiness at this time.

JIMIN ADORED HOSEONG. IT WAS A KNOWN fact that would quickly make it onto the list of every ARMY’s introduction video under Jimin’s name.

“If you were a girl, who would you want to have a relationship with?” “Hoseong hyung.”

“If you had one day off, what would you want to do?” “If I had a day off, I would go on a date with Hoseong hyung. I’d keep him all to myself.”

“When you feel troubled, where would you want to go and with who?” “I want to fly across the world alone with Hoseong hyung.”

IT TOOK TIME FOR HOSEONG TO ADJUST to just how shameless and affectionate Jimin was with him—how important his little smiles were to Jimin when the younger touched him, tugged him along to places, or when they basked in each other’s silence with a fluttering heart that cooed at the companionship they provided each other so effortlessly.

AND THEN, IT WAS DURING THEIR DARK & Wild era that Hoseong kissed Jimin for the first time– kissed a boy for the first time. In the midst of teenage hormones and visions of a bright future with Bangtan, the two became entangled in between Hoseong’s bedsheets, getting carried away with their kisses that were verging on the path of something more before Hoseok had barged in on the duo, rooted in spot. Things did not go well after that—not because Hoseok was homophobic or anything, but because he was worried about what this could mean for the group so early on in their career, getting intimately involved with another member.

HIS WORRY GARNERED THE BOYS’ understanding. Of course, they were worried too, and so they plainly agreed that their kiss would be a onetime affair, but this had only lasted so long before their first hookup, which then turned into more hookups, until ultimately they chose to label themselves friends with benefits.

A LOT TOOK PLACE OVER THE YEARS with Jise3oul. They hooked up regularly until Hoseong got together with Ga young in 2O17, and only after their breakup did Jimin choose to make his move. The two got together sometime during 2O2O in the midst of the pandemic in South Korea, having spent a lot of time indoors in each other’s company.

⊂ JEON ✶ JEONGGUK ⊃

╭・ฅ🕸﹕year - 2O2O - present !

╰・ฅ🕸️ : status - dating (current & undisclosed to the public) !

FOR JEONGGUK, things were a whole whirlwind of confusing feelings from the very start. He knew he liked his Hoseong hyung because he was there for him, taking the initiative to make him comfortable and shield the maknae from any teasing done in negative light because Hoseong was aware of Jeongguk’s shy nature.

“Come on, my blushing bunny. I need some company for grocery shopping. You’ll be my knight, won’t you?”

IT WAS PRETTY far fetched, really. A knight? To someone twice the size of him? It was silly, but Hoseong’s personality thrived on silly energy. He made a lot of Jeongguk’s earlier days at the company bearable, filled with laughter he would never give up for anything else so how couldn’t he fall for his hyung? His hyung that was big and strong and cool and manly. Jeongguk looked up to him, actively seeked out his approval.

BUT THEN CAME Park Jimin, and things would begin to get even more confusing for an already confused boy who is still figuring out his sexuality. Jimin was sort of like a puzzle piece. He fit right in with Hoseong’s bright natured goodness; the two were very extroverted but Jimin would oftentimes flirt with the maknae too, calling him cute or caressing his hair. He was definitely very touchy, but Jeongguk had also believed it was all for a good laugh and some screen time points, especially since Jimin and Hoseong’s flirting with each other was almost off the charts crazy. It would make any interaction of him with either of them seem absolutely stale.

“Aish, where are they? Someone call Hoseong.”

DID HIS YEARNING begin then? During all of those times that Jeongguk would have to bear witness to the two members entering the Bighit building with disheveled clothes and heaving chests? He wasn’t exactly naive. He knew what his hyungs were getting up to whenever they arrived late to meetings together, but he kept quiet, knowing it was none of his business.

HE FOUND HIS SOLACE in Taehyung during this time, because like Jeongguk, this hyung too was feeling the effects of loneliness and yearning. The maknae line were a close knit group of friends, but with Jimin and Hoseong’s intimate entanglement, things sort of derailed for a while.

THINGS WOULD BEGIN to look up during a crucial mistake in Jeongguk’s life later on. In the midst of the pandemic, he had made a slightly foolish decision to go out drinking with some friends after being in a particularly low mood, getting so drunk that he had apparently vented his feelings out to both Jimin and Hoseong before passing out completely.

THE NEXT DAY, AFTER waking up from a raging headache, the maknae would open his phone to requests for a meet-up from the couple where they would finally talk things out clearly, concluding that Jeongguk would be a very welcome addition into Jimin and Hoseong’s relationship.

⊂ KIM ✶ TAEHYUNG ⊃

╭・ฅ🕸﹕year - 2O2O - present !

╰・ฅ🕸️ : status - dating (current & undisclosed to the public) !

WITH TAEHYUNG, he’s always been a person full of love to give to others.

INITIALLY, HIS feelings for Hoseong had probably surpassed both Jimin and Jeongguk’s infatuation, having found the male attractive upon their first encounter with each other when they were both up and coming trainees. He had a huge, huge crush on the older, but knowing the nature of what the idol industry requires and expects, Taehyung couldn’t exactly make any moves.

AT BEST, TAEHYUNG would simply be wholly clingy. He would quench his feelings of yearning with quality time, piggyback rides, hugs, kisses on the cheek and much more, but this was more to the detriment of his happiness than its benefit as Hoseong’s reciprocation of his gestures would spark hope of a potential connection that seared deeper than the average friendship. Hoseong’s lingering smiles, his mellow personality with Taehyung made the younger feel special, but it had apparently meant nothing of the same sort to Hoseong.

WHEN HE HEARD about the news with Hoseong and Jimin during their Dark & Wild era, he had gone into a state of despair. These were two very close friends of his—one of which he even had an ongoing crush on. Taehyung wasn’t sure what exactly it was that their relationship was to one another, but he knew they had something going on behind the scenes and that something was enough to dim his spark noticeably. That’s when Jeongguk had stepped in.

IN A WAY, THEY had sort of used each other as rebounds during Jise3oul’s ‘whore arc’. They knew what they were getting into—this entire setup was to drown out the pain of their unrequited love, but it just wasn’t enough for Taehyung to dabble into FWBs type situations. He needed a real connection and so he had sought out a blind date through some friends.

THE GIRL THEY had paired him up with was surprisingly a very great fit. She was able to make him forget, for a brief moment in time, that his heart belonged to another he could not have. This relationship had been a blossoming experience, but also one that had lead to realisations and heartbreak in the end. Nobody could fulfil that empty space in his life for long. She wasn’t the one.

IN 2O2O THOUGH, it would be Taehyung’s time. It was a momentous year for both him and Jeongguk after the mishaps of the pandemic, Jeongguk’s drunk ranting and their unrequited love being showered with more than they could have ever hoped for.

OF COURSE AS stated previously, it was Jeongguk who had been the catalyst for everything. He had been the one to send Hoseong and Jimin that lengthy wall of text hosting his feelings, and Taehyung had come to find out that the couple were happy to invite their maknae into the relationship and deem it polyamorous before Jeongguk had apparently brought up Taehyung during the conversation.

“You should’ve just told us sooner, you dummy.” Jimin had boinked him on his head after finding that out, and Taehyung had pouted as he rubbed the spot to soothe it.

“I didn’t know you’d be so open. You’re usually the possessive type!” He’d grumbled, receiving a kiss on the head from Hoseong which immediately melted away his complaints, shy and bubbly.

AND THIS IS how their relationship began.

💬 — HOSEONG’S TAGLIST.

@pandorasword , @ateezsora , @anqelws , @fairiepoems , @kaitieskidmore97 , @vizianary

[writingwhimsey]

Whimsey! This event sounds like so much fun! ♥3♥ Can I please request Prompt 3 “We should probably leave before we start a scandal.” + IkePri Clavis?

Oh, my 2nd Clavis smut fic! This was definitely fun to write and I truly hope I did him justice here (my other Clavis fics were crack fics, so whole new side of Clavis to write here haha). I hope you enjoy @venulus and thank you for trusting me with him!

Smut Is In the Air Event

Suitor ikepri Clavis

Prompt: "We should probably leave before we start a scandal."

NSFW 18+ content

A Scandalous Evening

No matter how many times I attended these balls, there was no getting used to them. Since becoming Belle, choosing the next king, and falling in love, my life had changed quite dramatically. And even though my duties as Belle were through and we had a new king… I still remained a fixture of palace life.

While I was Belle, I had attended my fair share of balls…under a cover story. The story was that I was a daughter of a distant noble, visiting the palace and studying under Sariel. Though no one seemed to believe this story. Rumors circulated the kingdom about my true identity. No one guessed I was Belle.

No, everyone thought I was a foreign noble or princess, brought in as a potential bride for either Prince Chevalier or Prince Leon (as they had always been the front runners to become king) to form an alliance. These rumors would make sense in all honesty. Especially since I now remained in the palace even after making my choice. And I am engaged to one of the princes. Not to form any kind of alliance as I am a commoner. 

No, I had fallen in love. And not either of the princes the nobles thought I was destined for. No… I had to fall for the most infuriating and frustrating, yet kindest of all the princes. Clavis. Though our engagement wasn’t officially announced yet. There were too many moving pieces to work through still, so soon after our new king had been instated.

“What are you doing over here, being a lovely wallflower?” Clavis asked, coming up to me from behind.

I jumped slightly at his sudden appearance. “Why must you always do that?”

Clavis just grinned at me. “Because you look oh so adorable when surprised.” He answered. He was then holding out his hand to me. “Come, let me take my lovely lover out on the dance floor.”

I sighed, but smiled as I placed my hand in his, allowing Clavis to pull me out onto the dancefloor. 

Clavis placed a chaste kiss upon my hand before easily pulling me into the dance. My hand remained in his as my other went to his shoulder and his free hand came to rest on my waist. I followed his lead as we moved in time with the music.

“You look especially stunning tonight, dear little bunny.” Clavis told me.

I smiled, my cheeks reddening at his compliment and the way he was looking at me. When Clavis looked at me, I never had any doubts of his feelings for me. “And you look exceptionally handsome tonight.”

“Oooh, and a compliment. I had a feeling tonight was going to be a good night.” Clavis replied, grinning at me.

We moved through the steps of the dance, Clavis leading me through each of the steps and even dipping me back a couple of times and throwing in a couple of spins. I was honestly having a wonderful time. When I was with Clavis, it was easy to forget that we were surrounded by so many others.

Clavis dipped me back once again, his face inches from mine. “You’ve no idea how badly I want to kiss you right now.” He murmured to me, before pulling me back up to a standing position.

I felt my cheeks flushing even as my heart picked up its pace. However I didn’t look away from Clavis. “What would you say if I said I wanted the same thing?”

Clavis pulled my hand to his lips, placing a rather sensual kiss on the back, his eyes still on mine. “Then we should sneak away.”

Clavis was then leading me away from the dancefloor and the prying eyes of the crowd. We soon found ourselves in a secluded hallway, Clavis pushed me up against the wall, his lips hungrily descended upon mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck as his arms came to my waist, our bodies flush against each other.

I could feel my body temperature rising as our kiss intensified. Clavis’s tongue traced the line of my lips before diving inside to tangle with my own. Clavis’s hands began to trail over my curves through my dress. 

“Mmm…Clavis…” I murmured between kisses.

Clavis began to trail kisses down the side of my neck. “You look so beautiful in this dress.” He murmured in my ear. “I especially love this slit.” His fingers were trailing to the rather high slit in my dress, teasing my upper thigh.

“Mmm…C-Clavis…we have to…be careful…we aren’t…that far…from the ballroom…” I gasped out, my skin tingling pleasantly from his touch and kisses.

“Hmm…you do have a point.” Clavis replied, grinning at me. “We should probably leave before we start a scandal.” He then playfully nipped at my ear.

I let out a gasp. “Won’t we…be missed?”

Clavis grinned and took my hand in his. “Come now, little bunny.” He said, gently tugging on my hand and leading me away. We soon arrived at his room. 

Once we had crossed the threshold, Clavis closed and locked the door behind us before scooping me up into his arms. “Now I am free to love on my lovely lover all I want.” Clavis said grinning at me. “As you are free to love on me in return.”

I shook my head even as I was smiling and wrapping my arms around this ridiculous man. “Then we’d better get started.”

Clavis carried me over to the bed, laying me down before climbing over me. He captured my lips in a heated kiss once more, his tongue diving into my mouth to twist and tangle with mine. His hands moved over my curves, his warmth penetrating my cloths and soaking into my skin.

Our bodies pressed close as our kiss continued to deepen and our passion grew. Clavis’s expert hands continued to work me into a frenzy. “Mmm…Cl-Clavis…” I half moaned, half whined, as I reached to start undoing his copious amount of belts.

Clavis chuckled as he began to kiss down the side of my neck. “What an eager little bunny you are tonight.” He murmured into my ear before playfully nipping at the lobe.

“Ahg…I…I just want…to feel you…I want your skin on mine already…” I confessed. It was honestly maddening how much I wanted him.

Clavis pulled back to look at me, his cheeks slightly tinged pink. “Well, who am I to refuse such a request from my lovely lover?” He replied, reaching his hands to undo the buttons down the back of my dress.

I reached my hands to undo his tie before going for the buttons of his shirt. I had his top half bare by the time he reached my corset. He deftly unlaced my corset as I struggled to undo his belts. “Dammit, Clavis…why must you wear so many belts? They’re in my way.”

Clavis chuckled as he leaned down to spread kisses over my heated flesh. “I love seeing you want me so.” He said, kissing down my chest and stomach, his hands trailing up my thighs to remove my garters and stockings. He moved his lips further down the front of my body before going to my thighs, spreading kisses over my legs as he removed the stockings. 

“Mmm…Clavis…”

“You really do have the most gorgeous legs I’ve ever seen.” He said, looking up at me from between them, that devilish gleam in his eyes. His tongue slipped out to lick up the inside of my thigh.

“Clavis, will you just…”

Before I could finish my question, Clavis’s lips were on my core, his devilish tongue slipping out to taste me. That skillful tongue twisted and turned, lapping and flicking against the sensitive bud. 

“Ahn! Clavis…” I moaned as the thrills of pleasure shot straight to my core. My hips bucked against his face as my fingers fisted in his gorgeous soft locks. “Yes…k-keep…just l-l-like…THAT!”

Clavis happily continued to devour me like I was a five course meal, the pleasure wracking my body, that coil in my belly winding tighter and tighter. As he continued, he soon slid two fingers inside my entrance, pumping and curling them in time with the movements of his tongue against that pleasure pearl.

I was soon crying out as stars danced behind my eyes. My thighs tightened around Clavis’s head before trembling as my release barreled through me. “Clavis!”

Clavis continued his ministrations, drawing out my orgasm and lapping up every drop of my release. Slowly he removed his lips and fingers from my core. He gave me the most seductive look as he brought his hand to his mouth, licking his fingers clean. Eyes gleaming and lips grinning.

“I hope you know, that was just the first course.” He said. “I want more.”

I was panting and gasping as I came down from my pleasure high. His words and action were already igniting a fire within me. “Me…too…”

Clavis grinned, reaching down to undo his belts and sliding out of his pants. My body moved on its own, my arms and legs opening for him, allowing him to perfectly position himself. His arms wrapped around me in a loving embrace as he slid himself inside me. “I plan to love on you all night.”

I smiled up at him. “Good because I don’t want to let go of you for a single second.”

Our lips met in a loving and passionate kiss as we began moving together. Our night was only just beginning.

Tag list:

@zulablaise @kisara-16 @tele86

[taikouvember]

ANNOUNCEMENT POST

Hello everyone!

First of all, thank you to all 48 participants of the interest poll, it was very interesting to see how another ship week would be perceived! Considering that at least 12 voters confirmed to be happy to dive into participating, I think there isn’t a more suitable date than June 1st, the beginning of Pridemonth, to officially announce this year’s Taikouvember event! (Title picture + new icon provided by @seventeenlovesthree)

November is the last month of autumn, right before Christmas time begins. It’s a time that can be filled with light and coziness but also lurking shadows and gloominess. So, November 6th to November 12th shall be dedicated to the platonic or romantic relationship between Taichi Yagami and Koushiro Izumi (Taikou, Koutai or mainly known as Taishiro(u) in the English speaking fandom). Since "Digimon Adventure 02 - The Beginning" will air on October 27th 2023 as well, some of the prompts are inspired by the potential theme of the movie:

Day 1, November 6th: The Multiverse: Canon vs. AU

Day 2, November 7th: Past & Future

Day 3, November 8th: Habits & Change

Day 4, November 9th: Trauma & Healing

Day 5, November 10th: Visible & Invisible Signs of Affection

Day 6, November 11th: Brave Knowledge & Curious Courage

Day 7, November 12th: Free Day

You can interpret the prompts however you like, you can take one or both for each day. If you want us to reblog your posts, please tag everything as #taikouvember or #taikouvember2023 and we will be happy to share your content, let it be fanart, fanfiction, edits or whatever comes to mind!

Rules & FAQ and a more detailed Prompt Guideline can be found here too. If you are looking for inspiration, please take a look under the cut - and the links above. We already compiled some ideas there! Stay tuned for the upcoming updates!

The Multiverse: Canon vs. AU: What is your favourite "version" of Taikou? Do you prefer the original anime timeline (Adventure, 02, Tri, Kizuna, The Beginning) or the reboot? Do you like to focus on other kinds of media, such as the novels, the manhua or the games? Or do you have your own AUs you like to focus on when it comes to the two of them?

Past & Future: What are your favourite moments that have already happened between Taichi and Koushiro that shaped their relationship? How do you imagine they will interact in the future, how will their bond develop?

Habits & Change: What are typical characteristics (one might even want to say: stereotypes & tropes) you associate with the two of them? What are things they have always done, things they are familiar with about each other, things they have adjusted to, habits they adore about each other (or are even annoyed by)? How can you imagine them to change?

Trauma & Healing: What are the things that haunt them, that may put a strain on their relationship, memories and experiences they might not be able to open up to towards each other? And what are ways they can help each other to actually heal, getting better and getting more honest or even learn to live with their trauma?

Visible & Invisible Signs of Affection: What are, in your opinion, the smaller and bigger gestures these two like to offer in order to show their love languages? How do they show their adoration, admiration and appreciation? Physically, verbally, through their actions, knowing glances or endless patience...?

Brave Knowledge & Curious Courage: How do they mirror each other and their trademark traits in certain situations? What are Koushiro's moments of hands on activity, how does he overcome his struggles to do what matters to him? What are Taichi's brightest strategies, his most thoughtful moments, his smartest speeches or interests he wants to put his own research skills to the test to?

[aerodaltonimperial]

the hookhausen story primer

Hey wrestling, I heard you like primers...

Are you a fan of delicious flavor, slow burn, and enemies to lovers, but you are overwhelmed by a list of links and kind of just want things explained to you in one spot so you can understand a story?? I gotchu, boo, let's talk about Hookhausen, since the fandom be WAKING UP AGAIN as we approach the eve of potential new content. I've put links to videos and such in here if you would like them but you don't have to click on them if you don't want and you will still get the whole story. Please consider this your one-stop shop! It's such a fun story and I hope more people can find it as compelling and wonderful as we do!! Additionally, for anyone new to wrestling, I've included explanations for lingo and such, so it is easier to read. (This is also for my mutuals who keep seeing me post shit and are like ‘please what is this why are these people half-naked and why are you so feral please explain this’ OKAY I AM TRYING.)

To start with, let’s meet our cast of characters! First, we have Danhausen.

Danhausen is originally an indie wrestler who went through a few gimmicks before settling on the one he’s got now, which is a slightly goofy, awkward demon who may or may not be from another world and curses people when they do something he doesn’t like and/or to win matches. He likes money. He doesn’t like people swearing. Sometimes he goes evil and pours teeth in people’s mouths. He may or may not also be one of the most powerful wrestlers on AEW’s roster in terms of cult following, merchandise sales, and using his social media almost entirely in kayfabe (in-character). This is important; a lot of his character development happens on SM.

Next, we have Hook.

Hook is a legacy, nepotism baby whose father, Taz, is a famous wrestler from the 90s/00s. Taz remains on AEW’s roster as a commentator who also, for awhile, had his own stable (team) called Team Taz. Hook started helping out with Team Taz during the pandemic, and after becoming sort of a staple behind the scenes, debuted in late 2021 on his own. He is a murder kitten who usually refuses to talk, be nice, or generally just do what people want him to. He can normally be found eating chips, wearing a hooded sweatshirt, and sulking. His signature move is his father’s old submission technique that he’s renamed Redrum. Currently, Hook has never lost a match. He is very, very, very pretty. It probably should be illegal.

You might think all of this Hookhausen stuff starts when the story begins in AEW canon (split between their shows: Dynamite and Rampage), but actually, it starts well before this point. I KNOW, it’s insanity. So in late 2021, Hook debuts in AEW after hanging around for a year or so with his dad. This is a big deal for him! And at the same time, Danhausen was benched with a massively broken leg from a match in October. Danhausen tweets several times about how cool Hook is. It’s enough to be noticeable, mostly because at this point, Danhausen is not signed with AEW. He continues to do this through January. In fact, he doesn’t officially appear in AEW until January 26, 2022, when he shows up on the show and they announce his signing on social media. The very next day, Danhausen uploads a photo of him and Hook together to his Instagram, captioned, “Send Hookhausen.”

But nothing much happens with this strange hint until February 24, when Danhausen finds Hook backstage and gives him chips, filming it for his vloghausen. But things go sour, for some reason, when, on March 25, 2022, Danhausen attempts to curse Hook on Rampage. Hook had just thrown a dude through the certificate of accomplishment that his former mentor, QT Marshall, attempted to give him. Nobody likes QT, so we don’t really care. However, Danhausen cared for some reason, and came out to curse Hook. It failed! Hook walked away without anything happening, and Danhausen expressed dismay and alarm that it hadn’t worked. Danhausen then began tweeting about how Hook had become “too powerful.”

Danhausen spends a few weeks trying to curse Hook on television. He tries during an interview, after popping out of a trash can, and then, after a tense altercation between Hook and another wrestler, Tony Nese (with Mark Sterling, his lawyer), in a gym. His last attempt is during one of Hook’s actual matches, when Danhausen emerges ringside and tries one last time to curse Hook. Naturally, it continues to fail. During this match, Tony Nese and Mark Sterling are also ringside, taking notes and talking together about Hook. Danhausen is so frustrated by his lack of success that he goes into the ring after Hook wins and challenges him directly. If Hook won’t be cursed, well then dagnabbit, he will fight Danhausen.

Hook sort of ignores this, because he’s Hook, and he doesn’t really care. This means Danhausen has to resort to the most EXTREME of measures: taking a bag of Hook’s potato chips and DESTROYING THEM ALL BACKSTAGE. Finally, a reaction! Hook slams Danhausen into the wall and says, “You wanted my attention? You got it now.” The feud officially begins.

Danhausen calls Hook out the next week to settle things. It’s not an official match, but it’s definitely going to be a fight when Hook comes out with his hands taped and his murder face on. The two are about to get into things when Mark Sterling comes out and asks the crowd if they really want to see the two of them fight. Of course, the crowd says yes. Danhausen and Hook are beloved crowd favorites. But then, Tony Nese attacks them both, because he’s angry that Hook keeps getting so much attention just for being a legacy brat. Hook drives them both off with some well-timed suplexes, and the crowd picks up the chant of “Hookhausen.” Danhausen decides this incident has united them, and offers his hand for a handshake. Hook just grabs him, yells in his face, and stalks out of the ring.

But after that, Tony Nese challenges Danhausen to a match, which is weird anyway, since Hook was the one who beat him when he launched his little ambush on them. Hook has another match, and at the end, Danhausen comes out to ask him to “be in Danhausen’s corner” during the match with Tony Nese. This match takes place on Hook’s birthday, May 4. Hook is still not budging an inch on this partnership thing, and shoves Danhausen after Danhausen touches him. But then Danhausen pulls out a little bag of potato chips with a bow on top and drops it into the ring before slinking out, leaving Hook to stare down at the birthday present. His face goes through some actual emotions. The crowd goes wild when he reaches down to pick up the bag…and then boos after he drops it again. Hook leaves it in the ring, offering nothing.

Danhausen’s match with Tony Nese happens on May 11, 2022. It’s his AEW debut! He loses in a shocking 32-seconds after Tony smacks him with his knee and knocks him loopy. Afterwards, Nese remains in the ring to celebrate and Mark Sterling taunts the crowd about how great Nese is. Nese attacks Danhausen again, after the bell has rung. He’s actually about to do it a third time when Hook’s music starts. He comes out with murder face on, gets in the ring, and drives Nese and Sterling back up to the tunnels. Danhausen, after struggling to his feet, offers his hand again. This time, Hook shakes it. Partnership time!

After this handshake happens, Hookhausen has a bit on the after-show (which is only for people watching in the audience). Hook comes out to fight CM Punk, who ends up skipping out of the ring and starting back up the ramp to avoid him. Danhausen emerges and drives Punk back into the ring, where he gets down on his knees to plead with Hook not to murder him. Hook shakes his hand…and then chokes him out. Danhausen is happy. Hookhausen leaves Punk in the ring and exit together. (After-shows aren’t “canon,” but it’s sure as hell fun to watch.)

Hookhausen challenges Nese and Sterling to a tag match, which gets scheduled as the buy-in for AEW’s big PPV show in Las Vegas. They even get a training montage video leading up to the show, and a ride with RJ City on “The Road to Double or Nothing.” The tag match sees them victorious, after Danhausen gets a little thrown around and Hook suplexes them into oblivion. Hook tags Danhausen back in for the pin, because love is real. Then they hold their hands up as winners. This is important, because Hook never lets the ref hold his hand up after matches, and it’s the first time anyone ever has.

Afterwards, Hookhausen give an interview where Danhausen says they will eat chips to celebrate after taking their winnings, and Hook looks at Danhausen like he hung the moon, offering one of his only canon smiles.

They also buy “PT Cruisers” for an interview spot and drive them around the parking lot. They appear to be the best of friends now! Doing silly shit together! But then…

Hook gets challenged in June. He’s offering another not-interview when Danhausen shows up and talks about how they will “eviscerate” enemies together. Hook puts his hand out on Danhausen’s chest and says, “I got this,” and walks off. This, unfortunately, is the last official canon on-screen appearance they will have together in 2022. It’s very strange. And quite heart-breaking. AEW continues to milk the Hookhausen train, though, by throwing a graphic of them together in a canoe on the “Quake in the Lake” promotional poster. The graphic designer had a great day with that one.

After they separate, Danhausen challenges Hook's fellow Team Taz member Ricky Starks for the FTW Champion Belt he holds. He loses, but right after he does, Ricky opens up a general challenge for anyone who wants it. Hook comes out, much to Ricky’s chagrin, and wins. He's the current FTW Belt holder now. (The belt, originally, was introduced by his dad Taz!) Following this, Team Taz officially disbands, which means he also doesn't have a stable. During all of this, Danhausen has been orbiting around a stable called the Best Friends. He's never officially become one of them, but he goes out with them during matches and is an assumed staple with them.

In the fall, Danhausen begins a series of in-canon and social media work in which he gets hit multiple times in the head; eventually, this triggers a different version of himself that fandom refers to usually as "Evilhausen." Evilhausen comes out in November during a 5-man tag match with the Best Friends and Rocky Romero versus the Factory.

We then never see Evilhausen again, but the strange tweets and lyric drops continue on social media. This likely will still be important. Danhausen does a ton of character work on social media. It is also worth noting that in late October, Danhausen abruptly stops talking about Hook and Hookhausen altogether, everywhere. There are months of silence.

In December, Hook begins a somewhat confusing partnership with another wrestler called "Jungle Boy" Jack Perry. The entire storyline they have closely parallels a lot of the original Hookhausen story, complete with a handshake. During this, Danhausen begins mentioning Hook and Hookhausen again in various non-canon sources. The tag team, coined as JungleHook, culminates supposedly in a "one night only" match against a stable known as the Firm. JungleHook wins. However, the Firm is still targeting Jungle Boy for some reason. They challenge Jungle Boy to a one-on-one after the tag match.

A few hours before the match, Danhausen finally tweets about the entire situation…like a jealous ex.

And during the match, Hook comes out when Jungle Boy is nearly done for, surprising the Firm enough that Jungle Boy is able to win. They are then challenged to another tag match, which they accept. Danhausen begins posting angry break up songs on social media.

And that's where we are at present!! For a full video masterlist, including all the fun bits that they’ve done in Danhausen’s vlogs, please see the video primer! We would love to have new people equally pumped about seeing their FAR TOO SHORT STORY finally continue, because they sure as hell ain’t done with each other. (We have a 9 page document to prove it.)

[saveregblackordie0726]

Sombre et Pur'

Chapter 9

Sixth Year – 1976 – October cont. 

The next two days passed in a blur of forced cheer and carefully executed smiles. Each act of kindness, each laugh shared with my friends – they all felt like I was desperately trying to patch the cracks in a crumbling facade. With every glance in a mirror, every whispered encouragement, I braced myself for the moment my monstrous reflection would stare back at me, confirming Regulus's twisted truth. 

Thursday found me curled up on one of the worn, plush sofas in the Gryffindor common room. The familiar warmth and flickering fireplace did little to chase away the chill that had settled in my bones. Peter, bless his ever-faithful soul, had sensed my lingering unease and insisted on a study session. Despite feeling adrift in a sea of Potions notes and Transfiguration diagrams, there was something undeniably soothing about his quiet company, his soft voice offering explanations I only half-heard. 

The common room bustled with the comfortable chaos I'd come to associate with Gryffindor life. Fifth-years argued good-naturedly over a game of Exploding Snap, the sharp snap of cards echoing through the room. A pair of first-years huddled near the window, their hushed whispers and furtive glances likely fueled by some mischief in the making. It was a scene of warmth and camaraderie – a sharp contrast to the tempest raging within me. 

Then, like a thunderclap shattering the fragile silence of my thoughts, James burst through the portrait hole, his usual boundless energy amplified by a mischievous glint in his hazel eyes. 

"Alright, listen up!" he announced, his voice booming through the common room and silencing any other conversations. "Halloween's coming up, and I was thinking we could throw a proper bash!" Lily followed behind him, looking flushed as she plopped down beside him.  

Marlene, who had been engrossed in Charms homework, tossed her quill onto the table with a groan. "Oh, here we go," she muttered, but her tone was more amused than exasperated. 

Lily, ever the voice of reason, let out an exasperated sigh. "James, honestly, you're Head Boy now. You can't just throw wild ragers every holiday!" Her words were scolding, but the smile playing on her lips undermined any real severity. 

James, unfazed, scrunched his nose in a deliberately adorable pout. "Can't I?" he teased, and playfully tapped her knee which was now tucked against his lap. 

My lips twitched into a half-hearted smile at their familiar banter. The affection between them was palpable, an unspoken understanding that had been simmering just beneath the surface for years. With a pang of wistfulness, it struck me that it likely wouldn't be long before they finally gave in to the inevitable and made things official. 

The corner of my eye snagged on Sirius, who had been observing the exchange with a flicker of something unreadable in his dark eyes. He offered a grin that didn't quite meet his eyes and raised his eyebrows in a silent question. Peter, oblivious to the undercurrents, launched into an enthusiastic discussion about potential Halloween activities – bobbing for apples, pumpkin carving, the lot. 

"We should definitely have themed costumes!" Lily chirped, her usual pragmatism dissolving under the exciting prospect of a party. 

"Maybe this year Moony and Padfoot won't end up taking turns retching in the loo," Peter added with a chuckle. He, James, and Lily burst into good-natured laughter, but a tense silence fell over Sirius, Remus, and me. We had all shared knowing glances, a silent acknowledgment of the previous year's disastrous Halloween celebration. 

The tension between Sirius and Remus had reached an all-time high that night. Their usual playful teasing had morphed into something sharper, a simmering resentment veiled by forced camaraderie and copious amounts of Fire whisky. They'd disappeared for hours, reappearing flushed and disheveled, carefully avoiding each other's gazes for the rest of the night. We never spoke of it, but the unspoken question lingered, a shadow hanging over their friendship. 

"Well, then," Sirius broke the uncomfortable silence, a forced cheerfulness masking the tightness in his jaw. Are we considering inviting other Houses again?" He caught my eye and offered a soft smile. "Besides Clem, of course." 

Marlene, ever-dramatic, let out a groan and dramatically draped herself across my lap. "Obviously, otherwise we'll be stuck with you lot," she declared with a mischievous grin. "Where's the fun in that?" 

The conversation shifted, descending into a lighthearted debate over decorations, food, and the potential for one of us slipping Rosemerta galleons in return for the Fire whiskey. My laughter felt forced, my participation hollow. Yet, as I watched my friends, the knot in my chest loosened fractionally. These moments – the easy banter, the shared laughter, the unwavering support – they were a lifeline. They were a reminder that even as darkness gnawed at the edges of my soul, there was still good in the world. Good worth fighting for. Maybe, just maybe, that was enough to keep the shadows at bay – for now. 

As evening descended, a familiar sense of dread settled upon me. Patrols with Regulus were a looming inevitability, and with every passing moment, the urge to hide beneath my covers grew stronger. It was a cowardly impulse, one at odds with the Hufflepuff bravery I prided myself on, but the darkness Regulus exuded chipped away at my resolve. 

The Gryffindor common room held me hostage under the guise of camaraderie. Lily insisted on another go at the glamour spell, determined to perfect the sleekness of my waves. Marlene quizzed me relentlessly on Herbology, claiming a surprise exam was imminent. Even Peter, with his quiet empathy, seemed to sense my reluctance and lingered over a chess game that usually would have lasted no more than twenty minutes. 

But time was a relentless hunter, and eventually, I could no longer justify the delay. As twilight painted the castle in shades of deep purple, I reluctantly stood, forcing a smile to mask the rising tide of apprehension. 

"Patrols," I announced, my voice sounding strained even to my own ears. 

A hush fell over the gathered Gryffindors. Their eyes, filled with concern and unspoken questions, burned into me. I'd always been the one to ease their worries, to offer a reassuring smile. Now, I was the one desperately in need of reassurance I knew they couldn't give. 

Sirius, perhaps sensing my turmoil more keenly than the others, pushed himself up from the plush armchair he'd been occupying. "I'll walk you," he offered, his voice gentle, a stark contrast to his usual boisterousness. 

Gratitude washed over me in a warm wave. Without a word, I nodded and followed him towards the portrait hole. As we stepped out into the dimly lit corridor, a comfortable silence enveloped us. We fell into step side by side, his presence a balm against the oppressive weight of what awaited me. 

For a precious few moments, I allowed myself to simply exist in this pocket of normalcy – two friends silently navigating the castle halls. The familiar smell of old stone and lingering potions fumes brought a sense of grounding amidst the inner storm. But beneath the surface, unspoken worries churned. Sirius, despite his outward nonchalance, carried the burden of his family's darkness on his shoulders. Regulus was like a ticking time bomb, his allegiance a constant source of uncertainty. And I... I was caught between them, an unwilling pawn in a war I barely understood. 

As if sensing my spiraling thoughts, Sirius broke the silence. 

"How is he?" His voice was low, a whisper in the quiet hallway. 

I paused, contemplating the loaded question. Sirius's relationship with his brother was a twisted knot of love and betrayal, loyalty and rebellion. Despite the chasm that had grown between them, a flicker of concern still burned in Sirius's dark eyes whenever Regulus was mentioned. 

My fingers traced along the worn tapestry lining the corridor wall, finding comfort in the repetitive motion. Should I confide in him? Share the unsettling truths Regulus had laid bare, the darkness that now threatened to seep into my own soul? A part of me yearned to unburden myself to someone who understood the unique pain of fractured family ties. But something held me back, a lingering fear that exposing these vulnerable pieces of myself would leave me even more shattered. 

Instead, I settled on a half-truth, a careful deflection. "It's hard to say, Sirius. It's not as if we're having deep, meaningful conversations." I forced a wry smile, hoping to hide the tremble in my voice. "We barely speak, truthfully." 

Sirius nodded, a flicker of disappointment crossing his features before he masked it with a sigh. His jaw clenched, a telltale sign of unspoken anger and frustration. 

"He still won't speak to me," Sirius muttered, his voice laced with bitterness. "Lost count of the owls I've sent... useless." He shook his head, a gesture both dismissive and defeated. 

"They've got their teeth in him, Kit" he continued, his voice low and filled with a resigned dread I understood all too well. 

My footsteps slowed as a wave of sympathy washed over me. Seeing Sirius so vulnerable, stripped of his usual bravado, was a stark reminder of the unseen consequences of this war that was bleeding into every corner of our lives. It was a battle waged not merely on some distant battlefield, but in corridors and classrooms, in whispers and silences that wove themselves into the fabric of our existence. 

I longed to offer a comforting platitude, a reassurance that everything would be alright, but the words felt hollow. There was no easy comfort, no quick fix for the darkness that threatened to engulf us all. Instead, I remained silent, allowing him this moment of unfiltered honesty. 

"Why do I even give a damn?" Sirius murmured, the question directed more at himself than at me. 

I paused, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. He met my gaze, a flicker of vulnerability in those usually bright, rebellious eyes. It was the same stormy gaze I'd begun to see mirrored in Regulus. 

"He's your brother," I said softly, empathy threading its way through my voice. "I know I could never turn my back on either of my sisters." 

We'd reached the statue that marked the beginning of our patrol route. A familiar sense of dread coiled in my stomach, tightening with each passing moment. Sirius seemed to mirror my unease, a subtle tension radiating from him. Then, his focus shifted, his eyes narrowing as he scanned the shadows across the veranda. 

His expression darkened. When he turned back to me, his features were schooled into a mask of cold indifference. 

"Give it time, Sirius," I urged, my voice quiet but insistent. 

A flicker of warmth crossed his face, a fleeting reminder of the loyal, caring boy beneath the layers of bitterness. He offered a single nod, a silent acknowledgment of my meager attempt at reassurance. 

"Send Zephyr to me when you make it back to your common room," he instructed. "And Clem... be careful." The worry in his voice was palpable, a stark contrast to the carefree persona he presented to the world. 

Wordlessly, I nodded, a lump forming in my throat. And then he was gone, leaving me alone. 

As I turned to survey the room once more, my heart skipped a beat. Regulus stood leaning against the crumbling stone statue, a sneer marring his pale face. His eyes, icy and unreadable, fixed upon me with a scrutiny that made my skin crawl. The darkness within him seemed to bleed into the room itself, casting the space in a sinister, oppressive light.  

Patrols with Regulus were always unbearable, but tonight the oppressive silence was magnified by the fading light. With each step, shadows lengthened, clinging to the walls like whispers of the darkness that threatened to consume us both. I forced myself not to look at him, focusing on the worn cobblestones and the faint echo of our footsteps. Yet, his presence was a palpable weight beside me, the scent of old parchment and something darker, something that stirred unease deep within me, mingling with the crisp autumn air. 

We reached the Charms corridor, the flickering torchlight barely illuminating the peeling paint and rows of locked doors. It was here, amidst this forgotten space, that Regulus finally shattered the stifling quietude. 

"You two seem close." His voice cut through the silence, cold and laced with an undercurrent of accusation. 

My lips curled into a humorless smile. "You mean Sirius? Your brother?" I scoffed, pushing open the door to a deserted Magical Theory classroom. With a flick of my wand, I surveyed the desks and dusty blackboard. Satisfied it was empty, I closed the door and continued our patrol, determined not to let him goad me. 

"He is no brother of mine," Regulus retorted, his sneer audible in the darkness. 

A bitter laugh escaped my lips. "Oh, come off it, Black." 

Something flickered in his eyes, a flash of surprise quickly concealed. "Pardon?" 

I turned sharply, mirroring his own accusatory stance from our exchange in the Astronomy Tower. "It's only us here, Black," I echoed his words from that night, the weight of them settling between us like a physical barrier. "You can drop the act." 

The impact of my words was visible. He stiffened, jaw clenching beneath his sharp cheekbones. The silence stretched, broken only by the soft whisper of the wind outside. 

Finally, he spoke, his voice laced with a forced nonchalance that rang hollow. "There is no act, Evans. He is a blood traitor, a disgrace to our family." 

"And I'm a Muggleborn," I fired back, my patience wearing thin. "But here you are, speaking with me." 

A venomous sneer twisted his lips. "Allow me to remedy that," he hissed, disgust dripping from each syllable. 

I shook my head, disgust mingling with a growing sense of defiance. He started to move, but I held my ground, forcing myself to meet his gaze. Our eyes locked, a silent battle of wills playing out in the half-light of the corridor. 

For a tense moment, I wasn't sure what he would do. Would he cast a hex, a curse motivated by the same blind hatred that fueled his family's beliefs? The thought sent a shiver down my spine, not out of fear for myself, but out of a bone-deep weariness at the relentless cycle of prejudice and violence that poisoned our world. 

Then, unexpectedly, he stepped back. The sneer remained, but a flicker of something I couldn't decipher flickered in his eyes. Frustration? Confusion? A hint of the vulnerability I'd glimpsed beneath his carefully constructed facade? Whatever it was, the moment passed. He resumed walking at my side, an unwelcome shadow in the dimly lit corridor. 

The silence hung heavy between us as we continued our patrol, a constant reminder of the unspoken chasm that divided us. Yet, as we reached the familiar spiral staircase leading to the Astronomy Tower, something shifted. It was as if the imposing stone walls and open sky created a strange sense of intimacy, an unspoken truth that labels, houses, and the rules of the outside world faded, at least temporarily, into the background. 

I lingered, the coolness of the iron railing a welcome contrast to the simmering tension between us. Against my better judgment, I found myself speaking. 

"He worries for you," I said quietly, my voice barely above a whisper. The words hung in the air, a fragile olive branch offered across a battlefield of conflicting ideologies. 

He let out a humorless chuckle, leaning against the railing. His  almost shoulder-length dark hair, usually perfectly styled, was ruffled by the wind, adding a touch of boyishness to his otherwise chilling demeanor. 

"Does he?" His voice was laced with a bitterness that echoed my own inner turmoil. An uncomfortable silence descended. I watched as a cloud drifted across the moon, momentarily dimming the starlight that painted his features in an ethereal glow. 

"Maybe you should..." I started, uncertainty making my voice waver. 

The rest of the sentence died in my throat as he abruptly turned, interrupting my hesitant attempt at reconciliation. There was a new intensity in his gaze, a predatory glint that made my stomach clench. He took a step closer, his movements deliberate, closing the distance between us until the cool metal of the railing pressed against my back. 

"He should be worried," Regulus hissed, his voice so low it was almost a growl. "In fact," he paused, leaning in even closer, his breath ghosting across my cheek, "you both should be--” 

The question tumbled out of me before I could fully comprehend its implications. "Why do you do that?" My voice was quiet, laced with a hint of confusion and a defiance that surprised even me. I held his gaze, refusing to flinch as he continued to loom above me. 

"Do what, Evans?" he spat, his eyes narrowed in annoyance. 

"This," I gestured between the two of us, encompassing the invisible web of tension that thrummed in the air. "Trying to scare me into running away? Testing how much I'll take?" 

He remained silent, his face unreadable. It was as if my words had struck a nerve, a raw spot beneath his carefully crafted facade. His usual arrogance faltered ever so slightly, replaced by a flicker of something akin to vulnerability before it was ruthlessly suppressed. 

I pressed on, a surge of reckless bravery propelling me forward. "Or maybe," I lowered my voice, tilting my head in mock curiosity, "you're the one who's afraid." 

His jaw clenched, the muscle jumping visibly beneath his pale skin. His eyes, glacial and unyielding moments ago, now seemed to darken with a storm I couldn't fully decipher. There was anger there, yes, but something more - a ripple of unease beneath the surface of his controlled demeanor. 

"Maybe I want to hurt you," he hissed, his voice a dangerous whisper against the night air. "Maybe I want you to realize just how insignificant you are in the grand scheme of things." 

His words were meant to wound, to reaffirm the power he held over me. But instead, they fueled a strange sort of defiant amusement. A twisted smile touched my lips. 

"I can see past all of that, Regulus," I countered, a hint of challenge in my voice. "I can see the fear, the desperation... and I think you hate that I know." 

He moved then, a sudden, predatory shift that closed the remaining distance between us. His gaze, now locked on mine with a burning intensity, was a physical force, pinning me against the railing. The moonlight cast stark shadows across his face, accentuating the sharp lines of his cheekbones, the cold determination in his eyes. 

For a suspended moment, time seemed to warp. The chill wind, the distant rustling of leaves, the echo of my own ragged breaths – they all blurred into a muted backdrop against the onslaught of his presence. There was an undeniable danger in his closeness, in the way his eyes seemed to bore into my very soul. Yet beneath the fear, a perverse thrill coursed through me. This was a dance on the precipice, a tantalizing brush with the darkness he embodied. And in that moment, a shameful part of me craved it. 

"Run on home, little dove," he murmured, his voice so low it was almost a caress. Yet, the words carried an unmistakable threat, a chilling promise of violence lurking just beneath the surface. "Before I break your wings." 

His hand shot out, fingers snaking around my upper arm. The fabric of my robe crumpled beneath his grip, the pressure a stark reminder of his strength, of the potential for pain he held within him. A gasp escaped me, a choked sound that was more of surprise than fear. But then, as suddenly as it had come, the intensity faded. His fingers loosened, withdrawing like a serpent retreating back into the shadows. He stepped back, the dangerous intimacy of the moment evaporating as quickly as it had materialized. There was a new distance in his eyes, a chilling coldness that sent a shiver down my spine. I was a pawn again, an opponent in the endless game he played, not a person worthy of his true, unmasked anger. 

"Go back to your common room, Evans," he commanded, his voice devoid of any emotion. "Before I change my mind." 

The dismissal was a slap in the face, a brutal reminder of the power imbalance between us. Yet, I didn't cower, didn't flee like a frightened bird as he intended. I lifted my chin, meeting his gaze with a stubborn determination that mirrored his own. 

"As you wish," I retorted, managing a shaky smile. Without another word, I turned and walked away, my steps echoing against the stone floor. My back prickled beneath his unwavering scrutiny, the unspoken threat lingering in the air like a poisonous mist. 

The descent from the Astronomy Tower was a blur. My heart pounded in my chest, a frantic drumbeat against the onslaught of conflicting emotions. Anger, fear, and a disconcerting flicker of exhilaration battled for dominance. Each step took me further from him, from the darkness he exuded, and back towards the comforting familiarity of the Hufflepuff common room. 

Yet, as I descended the winding staircase, a nagging certainty settled into my bones. This wasn't over, not by a long shot. Regulus Black was a storm cloud gathering on the horizon, and I had the terrible sense that I was both drawn to and terrified of the tempest he promised. 

The common room burst into view, a haven of warmth and laughter. My friends, blissfully unaware of the darkness I had faced in the tower, greeted me with smiles and casual questions about my patrol. I forced myself to respond, to slip back into the role of the cheerful, dependable Hufflepuff I was supposed to be. But it was a flimsy facade, barely concealing the shadows that clung to me like a second skin. 

Later, alone in the quiet sanctuary of my dormitory, the true weight of the evening settled upon me. My hand trembled as I untied the Hufflepuff knot on my robes, the bright yellow suddenly seeming garish against the backdrop of the confrontation that haunted my mind. 

Sleep was an elusive luxury. Each time I drifted towards unconsciousness; Regulus's face swam into view. His chilling words, the predatory glint in his eyes, his chillingly calm threat – they replayed in my mind like a twisted enchantment. I tossed and turned, the sheets tangling around me like a suffocating net. 

In the darkest hours of the night, the truth I had tried to deny echoed relentlessly. I was afraid of Regulus Black, of the capacity for cruelty I saw reflected in his eyes. But more than that, I was afraid of myself – of the darkness that lurked within, a darkness that answered his call with a terrifying and unwelcome recognition. We were shadows dancing in the moonlight, reflections of the war that threatened to consume us all. Sleep refused to offer any respite. My tumultuous thoughts, a chorus of whispers mirroring the ceaseless wind rattling the dorm window, banished any hope of escape. The shadows on the ceiling danced to a macabre rhythm, conjuring images of Regulus's icy gaze and the chilling touch of his fingers against my skin. A shiver traced its path down my spine, a stark reminder of the darkness that had tainted my patrol. 

Defeated, I pushed back the covers, the warmth of the bed offering no solace against the creeping unease. The pale moonlight filtering through the window cast long, eerie shadows across the room, lending an unsettling atmosphere to the once-familiar space. 

It was then that a flicker of recollection chased away the relentless onslaught of Regulus's chilling words. Sirius's parting request, his plea that I send an owl once I was safely back in the common room, suddenly resonated with new meaning. 

He had glimpsed the danger I had so foolishly danced with. 

With trembling hands, I reached for my wand, summoning Zephyr from her perch. She landed on my arm with a soft hoot, tilting her head inquisitively as if sensing my agitation. My fingers hastily scratched out a brief message, a silent confirmation of my safety and a word of thanks for Sirius's unspoken concern. 

"Take this to Sirius, please," I whispered, stroking Zephyr's feathers with a gentleness born out of a desperate need for a connection to warmth, to loyalty, to the light that Regulus threatened to extinguish within me. 

Zephyr took flight, a silent white specter disappearing into the darkness beyond the window. With her departure, a small sense of peace settled over me, a reminder that I wasn't completely alone in this battle against the shadows. 

Exhaustion, both physical and emotional, finally won out. As I burrowed back beneath the covers, my mind still raced, though the images of Regulus were slowly replaced by those of Sirius. His eyes, so like his brother's, yet brimming with warmth where Regulus held only ice, swam into focus. It was a comforting contrast, a beacon of hope amidst the encroaching darkness. 

I drifted into an uneasy sleep, images of storm clouds and silver linings clashing behind my closed eyelids. 

[kyufessions]

ERIC - ACACIA

meaning: acacia’s represent hidden love and beauty in withdrawal

pairings: secret idol boyfriend! eric x hidden partner! g.n. reader

synopsis: you didn’t like being the secret anymore.

genre: angst with a bittersweet ending ♥︎

a/n: whyd this make me tear up towards the end </3 writing angst for eric was hard bc he’s my baby so that’s why it’s not too long,,, enjoy regardless ~

“i dont if i can do this anymore.” you admitted to your boyfriend, twiddling with your thumbs in your lap as he sat across from you at the dining table.

his eyes widened at your confession, shaking his head profusely as he reached over to place his hand on your arm. “what- what do you mean?”

a little over three years ago you and eric became official after having met through a mutual friend of his. when eric came back to california to be with his family for a while, you were finally able to hear his voice face to face rather than other facetime calls at ungodly hours of the night. and once you were able to, you transferred to Yonsei university to be closer to him. but, of course, with him being an idol dating him wasn’t the easiest thing.

at first, you thought you were able to keep up with his idol life. you found the secretive, nightly dates exhilarating for a while until they became rather pathetic in your eyes. but don’t get it wrong, you loved spending any time you had with your boyfriend and had him sleep over some nights as well. but seeing other couples as you ran your daily errands or were on campus doing normal couple things such as holding hands or simply just posting videos together on social media, it started to get to your head.

you understood that he wasn’t able to come forth about his relationship with you because of the fans and the backlash he’d receive from the media, nor did he want you to suffer alongside him as well. but at the same time you just wanted to come forth about your relationship and show it off to the world. besides, true fans wouldn’t be upset but rather happy and excited for him. you tried explaining that to him, but he shut it down everytime. he explained how either the timing wasn’t right or how he wasn’t exactly ready yet. and you never pushed it because why would you? if he wasn’t comfortable announcing your relationship to the world, then you should respect it. after all, you’d be putting his job at risk and he loved every aspect of his job no matter how tiring it seemed to be. so who were you to potentially take that away from him?

“do you not love me anymore? did i do something wrong? whatever it is-“

you sighed, taking his hand in yours and rubbing small shapes into the back of it. your eyes finally met his, a frown playing on your lips as you noticed them starting to gloss over. “eric, don’t cry please. this is hard enough as it is for me.”

“then don’t do this!” his voice raised a bit, but you knew he wasn’t actually yelling. he was just scared, if anything. scared of losing you. “i can take the next week off if you want me to, i’ll figure it out with my company! babe, please. whatever it is, i’m sorry.”

you shook your head, biting down on your lower lip to hold back a sob. “i don’t want to be a secret anymore, eric. i’m tired of it. i’m tired of not being able to show you off to the world. i’m tired of not being able to go on cute little cliche dates around seoul on your days off-“

“you know how the media will react, y/n. you know i can’t just-“

“and that’s exactly what i mean, eric.” you sighed once more, running your free hand through your hair. “it’s been three years. three. years. and i understand you’re an idol, i really do. i’ve been there through thick and thin, but three years and you still don’t want to announce our relationship?”

a single tear fell from his eye, rolling down his cheek and falling from his chin onto the placemat on the wooden table. “i do, i’m just scared about the media and the fans-“

“that’s what you don’t get. they’re not going to kick you out after five years when you’re a vital part of the group and contribute so much to it. and your true fans would be happy to see you have a significant other, not angry or upset in the slightest.” you looked out the window into the city lights, watching as the breeze of spring swayed some of the branches back and forth. you let a teardrop escape from your eye, feeling a thumb graze it away. “i just- i don’t want to be anyone’s secret anymore.”

and with that, eric got up and left your apartment with a waterfall trailing behind him. you never heard from him again personally, just would hear about him in the media or from friends on occasion. a few months following your breakup, you noticed how his fans would mention how unlively he seemed to be or how his happiness came across as fake. you’d be lying if you said you didn’t notice it as well, because truth be told you were in the same boat. even your coworkers and peers in class noticed how out of it you seemed to be. your eye bags darker, your clothing more messy, even your friends would complain about how messy your apartment seemed to be compared to its normal tidiness. but none of your friends in korea knew of your relationship, so you had nobody to talk to about your heartbreak. you could only cry to the stuffed animal eric had won you back on one of your very first dates at a fair back in california, and he wasn’t of much help.

as time moved along, you started to feel somewhat okay again. your grades rose, your appearance more giddy. you started to notice the change in eric whenever he’d pop up on your twitter feed from time to time, seeing his genuine smile in vlives or small clips taken from youtube videos fans posted from variety shows. eventually, you started to see other people as well.

after a year of being separated from eric, you started to realize that not all breakups are bad. sometimes they’re necessary, whether it be for wrong-place-wrong-time purposes or just simply not meant to be. you realized you started to move on from him when you missed the memories you shared with him more than eric himself. and you didn’t know this but, eric felt the same way. he still loved you, of course. you were his first love and nice versa, but to go back to you would be a mistake because that night he left your apartment made him think. why did he not announce your relationship? why was he so scared? everything you said had always made sense to him, but he just was never sure why he never wanted to go forth with it.

but as time progressed, he moved on as well. after a year and a half, he announced a relationship he was in to the media about a fellow idol he had been involved with for the past few months. he exclaimed it wasn’t serious, but hoped for it to gradually grow into something beautiful that his fans will learn to accept and support regardless. when the news came out, you were happy. happy he found someone he was willing to tell the world about without fear of consequences.

a few months later, you stood in the back of an arena with your new boyfriend with your the boyz lightstick in one hand and your partner's hand in the other. you cheered, singing along to every song your old friends performed. to be proud was an understatement. sure, you hadn’t been in contact with any of them much since the breakup between you and their group mate but you still supported them regardless. the group of men were happy to see you at the concert, only. a few noticing you and being joyful to see you still sending them love.

eric was one of the people who didn’t notice you though, which was fine because you’d rather him focus on other fans instead of yourself. at the end of the show, eric was the last to give his thankful speech for the fans. tears were already flowing through the crowds and artists eyes, and your exes speech was just the cherry on top that opened up the gates. the speech seemed normal, him thanking the fans and expressing his gratitude for the endless support. he was thanking his family and friends as well. but what you didn’t expect was what left his mouth next.

“and there’s one person i haven’t been able to thank personally that i would love to right now. thank you, for always being by my side even if i didn’t deserve your love. you will always be in my heart, my acacia.”

your heart fluttered at the nickname no one has called you in years, feeling your eyes tear up at the name he had given you years back. you wiped the tears away, smiling at the rest of his speech. that night when you were alone in your apartment after the show, you stayed up later than you should've, thinking back to eric’s speech. you debated for several minutes thinking if you should message him or not, but ultimately deciding to. you didn’t know if he had the same number, but hoped he did otherwise it’d be quite embarrassing.

you deserved every ounce of my love, eric. you deserve all the love and support the universe has to offer you. it was just bad timing, is all. you will always be in my heart too, my first love. happy to hear things are well for your career and life wise. stay happy, eric sohn.

[yourlocalartsonist]

PSST! The fanfic is officially out now! Read it here <3

Hi uh I decided to start a ROTTMNT fanfic ;w;

So it kinda started out as just random “what if” scenarios of me and the turtles interacting but then got out of hand when I officially started developing my self insert character a bit more and giving them a backstory and creating an overarching narrative, blah blah blah. And then it just got more set in stone when I ended up actually writing an entire chapter and having way too much fun doing it. I wasn’t sure whether or not to announce this now or later when the chapters actually start going up on AO3 but I got too giddy to just not say anything so here we are :D

Introducing my dumb little rise fanfic: Moths Fly in Packs!

So this story is meant to take place a few months after the movie events. In my head canon, the movie takes place in August 2020 and the story starts March 2021. I’m not sure how long it’s gonna be yet but I know for sure it’ll cover a few years of their lives since I want the dynamics to seem believable and not hilariously rushed

SO! I actually had two versions of this story planned out. One is just continuing the Rise series in general with the turtles being the main characters and this fanfic’s MC being more on the level of April or Casey. That whole stuff I wanted to save for a future comic series if I ever get to it with a more similar tone to the show. The fanfic is showing that story from MC’s perspective, having them be the main character and following the events of her life with the turtles and the tone being SLIGHTLY darker than the main show. It doesn’t feel too different though since I think the show kinda already nailed the blend of fun and trauma that I love, just increased the trauma a teensy bit. Oh also cursing I guess

Speaking of MC, here’s their design! :D

Salena Moni :D she/they

LOOK AT MY DARLING BASKING IN ALL HER GLORY! She’s half Japanese half Bengali and is actually (unknowing to her) part luna moth Yōkai and I’m not gonna talk more about that as it would spoil parts of the story. She’s the same age as Mikey, both 16 in the story, and yes this is gonna be some turtle x oc shipping since I’m a simp for Leo and I’m not wasting an opportunity to create a fictional relationship with him <3 Aside from that, Salena is sweet, spunky, and chaotic, wonderfully fitting in with the rest of the gang. Of course, she has her dose of trauma and baggage too since it wouldn’t be a rise fanfic without that! Their weapons are mystic sickles and their powers are still in the works

For any of my fellow character design nerds: I tried putting some luna moth elements into her design. Her color palette is inspired by the green, pink, and yellow palette of luna moths and the spots on her sickles are meant to resemble the spots on their wings. They’ve got gold earrings in the shape of feathers to emulate the cute fuzzy antennas on luna moths. The bag isn’t related to moths, it’ll get explained in the story it’s a pretty sweet moment I don’t wanna spoil. There’s probably more but I’m forgetting that right now ANYWHO

Um yea I think that’s everything? Apologies if I sounded like an awkward dork, it’s because I am and still not used to posting on tumbler. I’m really excited to share this story since I think it’s a lot of fun and just a really sweet found family story. It’s kind of my little comfort fanfic as a lot of the original characters are inspired by people I knew in my life and a lot of the events are a mix of things I struggled with and the potential life I would’ve had if certain events ended more tragically than they actually did. I struggle with feeling lonely a lot and this story lets me breathe in another universe as a character who eventually finds their true family despite the things they’ve been through. A family that accepts them for who they are, weird quirks and all. It’s a wholesome ride and I can’t wait to share it with y’all

As in literally can’t wait, I might honestly just put the first chapter on tumbler instead of waiting for my AO3 account to activate since there’s APPARENTLY A WAIT TIME FOR THE INVITATION but anyway enjoy a little fluff drawing I did of Salena and Leo that’s now my homescreen

[ariparri]

It takes Two to Tango

Lively chatter, music, and laughter play throughout the ballroom. Many from all over Cinderhaven had attended the Passion Ball, an event Hearts hosts every winter.

It had been a while since Spades had attended an occasion such as this one. While it wasn't Bill's first time attending the masquerade, it was definitely Veruca and Rowan's first time attending. The Queen simply admired the scene, while the Jack was ecstatic about her surroundings.

The Spades officials were off to the side of the room, having a conversation with a few familiar faces from past interactions. Jae Kim, a connoisseur of "uncommon" and suspicious merchandise, surprised the Spades with his presence, as he wasn’t one for fancy occasions. Despite that, they were happy to see him again after his last business trip within Spades.

And there was Andre Egwu, heir of his family's clothing brand, Aura Spectacle, a brand Veruca very much enjoys. He was currently telling them how Jae tried to leave his shop with a plain mask to go with his red and gold suit. The stylist was appalled and refused to let Jae leave until he found a perfect mask.

The group continued chatting amongst themselves until the Master of Ceremonies announced the Hearts' monarchs King Diego's and Queen Carewyn's (@carewyncromwell) entrance. The audience was silent as the monarchs addressed the crowd with their announcement on the second floor balcony.

After their speech the pair descended the stairs, greeting guests as they made their way through the ballroom. Diego's eyes lit up when he noticed the Spades officials. The pair made their way over to the group and said their greetings. They all exchanged pleasantries, discussing potential business and trading plans. Andre was requesting to open a branch for his clothing brand within Hearts. Carewyn was discussing Spades' improvements after the civil war with Veruca, Rowan and Bill.

Their conversation went on when the slow melody playing for the waltz smoothly transitioned to the tempo for tango. "Ah, that music," Diego listens closely to the distinctive style. He turns his attention back to Veruca, "would you care to dance, your highness?"

Veruca crosses her arms, scrutinizing the King before her. "Hmph, you expect me to dance, in a dress not suitable for this type of music?" Diego opens his mouth to speak but is silenced when Veruca holds a hand up. She gestures for Rowan's assistance as she unties the ribbon belt to her dress. Rowan quickly grabs hold of the skirt, keeping it from falling to the floor as Veruca twirls out of it, revealing a shorter dress underneath. 

Andre stood proud at the dress reveal. As someone who personally designed the Queen of Spades' gown, Andre was ecstatic that she chose this design. 

Veruca turned back to Diego, "Well, your majesty." She looked at him with expectancy, bringing a hand up to her face and twirling a lock of her hair. "Are you going to ask me to dance? Because if not, I'm sure I can find someone else who would be interested." She motions to the three other gentlemen, Bill and Jae had grins on their faces while Andre boasted about Veruca's dress.

Diego shook his head, that charming smile returning to his face "Apologies, my lady,"  he bows, extending a hand out for Veruca. "Would you do me the honor of dancing with me, your highness?"

A faint smile appears on Veruca's face. But as quick as it appeared, that smile disappeared. She places her hand in Diego's own, allowing him to lead her to the center of the dance floor. Many of the pairs have decided to sit out the current song, clearing the floor of the few pairs that remained.

Their first steps fell in line to the first beat of the music. Diego led Veruca with sharp movements, both showing off impressive footwork as they danced. Their dance had a dramatic flair to it, their movements though improvised were synchronized well. Strides were short and smooth, the movements intimate, expressing an element of romance in there. Tango has always been a vibrant and spontaneous dance, with its expressive music to go with it. 

They moved around the floor, in their own world as they danced, not caring about their surroundings. The tempo of the music would go from its medium tempo to a sudden drop where the pair would follow with a dramatically slow movement, before the song goes back to its original pace and the pair follows.

Their dance ends along with the music, an abrupt stop with the pair finishing their dance in a striking pose. The pair kept their eyes locked, chests heaving as they caught their breath. No words were spoken between them, simply forgetting everything around them. Until the sound of applause slowly brought them back to reality. Diego let Veruca out of his embrace, he gazed around the room keeping a smile on his face.

"You're a magnificent dancer, Veruca," He praises, "and I'm not saying that just to flatter you. I genuinely mean it." He bows to her once more.

Veruca lets out a hum, "thank you. I must say, you were also splendid." Diego chuckled and held out his hand for her. "Well, we should head back to the others. I'm sure you would feel out of place continuing a conversation in the middle of the dance floor."

This time, Veruca gave him a genuine smile and took his hand. The pair make their way back to the group, having their own conversation as they pass by other dancers and guests. "I must say though, I'd be more interested in a dance without so many prying eyes." 

That sweet smile on the queen's face quickly morphed into a mischievous one. "I must apologize, your majesty. But you'll need more than music and charm if you want more of my attention." Veruca lets go of his hand and saunters off to rejoin her friends, leaving Diego astonished.

"The Queen of Spades is an interesting woman, isn't she?" Carewyn joined her partner, snapping him out of his daze when she spoke. "It's actually quite amusing to see you get a bit tongue-tied around her. And I thought you've improved since our first meeting with Veruca." She chuckles and Diego had to roll his eyes before dragging his hand through his hair.

"I thought we agreed to never bring that up again."

"I never agreed to such a thing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm trying to write more and practice the dancing scene for when it's time to write the dance off in Diego's quest rewrite.

I was inspired by the Valentine Dance scene in Another Cinderella Story. It was perfect for Diego and Veruca 💜 Especially for the Passion Ball!

Originally I was gonna use the actual dress for Veruca, but drawing it out was very awkward. So I made it into a two in one gown kind of dress where the big puffy skirt was detachable. At least Veruca was able to dance much more easily.

I'm thinking of also drawing some characters that would be into the events for the AU. Like I think Diego would love harpastum. Orion, Veruca, Charlie and Skye would like abraxan derby since it shares similarities with quidditch. I don't know if I would add Andre to it though, maybe for harpastum or the steam cart race 🤔 actually the steam race would be a good opportunity to show off his style with his outfit and vehicle 😆

Coby, and maybe Jae would also do the steam cart race. Badeea, Carson, and Rowan would join the Bizarro Scavenger Hunt and most of them would attend the Passion Ball.

But that will be for when I don't have so much to do! December is a busy month. 

Diego's Masquerade Design

Veruca's Masquerade Design

Cardverse Masterlist

Cardverse Events

❌ NO REPOSTING ❌

[m-madeleine]

hi! for the end of the year asks: 1, 3, 9, 14, 22, 24?

Hiiii!

1. How many books did you read this year?

Officially 33, although counting is difficult because I interned in publishing this summer and read some books that weren't out at the time. I keep thinking of more books I finished half a year ago. There's one that's announced for February and I guess I'll be counting it for this year instead??

Then there were also a couple that I technically finished, but am not counting for my goodreads challenge for Reasons, like I was basically skimming because of fast review deadline...or found so artrociously horrible I don't even want it to stain my account lmao. And that last one, I did the final edit for, so I know how bad it was even after multiple professional editing rounds :P

3. What were your top five books of the year?

In no particular order

A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik (EL!!! El, the girl who was born to be evil and fights tooth and nail to stay good out of spite T-T) (Also I realized I operate nigh daily on the exact same level of vigilance as a kid in a school that will KILL YOU and that's....a lot)

The Old Ways by Robert Macfarlane (chill nonfiction about hiking and sailing mostly around Britain)

Shadow Girls by Carol Birch (girl's schools and ghostssss)

The Death of Bees by Lisa O'Donnell (two girls bury their own parents in their backgarden; macabre in the best ways, grim but full of love)

Dark Places by Gillian Flynn (essentially a fictional true crime case where you actually get the satisfaction of unpeeling all the layers through a round dance of POVs, left me Pondering for daysss)

Bonus: Along the Trenches by Navid Kermani (a travelogue that gets into the nitty gritty of the history and politics of Eastern Europe and the Caucasus) (I've only gotten halfway through, but I have to mention it NOW because it's amazing and Kermani has been cemented as my non-fiction crush)

9. Did you get into any new genres?

Not really! I def felt a taste for dark stuff this year though.

For the opposite of Getting Into, I had to read a lot of r0mance novels and new adult fiction for work, and mmmmmmm no. No shade, I did enjoy a couple, even though I'm not sure I would've finished them if I didn't have to. But they're just so formulaic T-T I need my books to have a kick.

14. What books do you want to finish before the year is over?

Worked hard on finishing In Männerkleidern by Angela Steidele. It's somewhere between an academic work and a conventional biography? The subject is a working class AFAB person in early 1700s Germany who lived sometimes as a woman and sometimes as a man, had a really interesting life, married a woman but eventually got busted and executed for "sodomy with a woman".

I think Steidele is pretty solid about dealing with the transman or lesbian or?? controversy potential, refers to the main character as whatever gender they were presenting as at the time and when discussing the possibility of interpretation at the end gives evidence for and against all possibilities fairly imo.

You're usually not gonna catch me reading history stuff outside uni, but this was a treat.

22. What’s the longest book you read?

Mansfield Park!

24. Did you DNF anything? Why?

Oh yea. For one, a lot of that was involuntary through work, often you'll only get a 50 page sample, sometimes the rest isn't even written yet.

One thing for work I DNFd more or less voluntarily was What Doesn't Kill Us by Ajay Close (sent in for translation licensing). I actually loved it and for the first and last time felt that famed editor "This is MY manuscript and I'm FIGHTING for it" feeling. Buuuuut it's very dark and visceral and I wasn't in a great headspace at the time, so I kind of just quiet quit on it during my last week. I did still write it a recommendation for as far as I got.

Outside of work, The First Day of Spring by Nancy Tucker. Only took me a couple pages to realize it was based on Mary Bell. I actually thought it was very well done, but it was tough to read just because of the subject and even flipping forward didn't help. I don't think I'll go back to it, I feel like I kind of know what it was doing and where it was going and I liked it, but don't need to experience it page by page.

[battleangel]

Football & Wrestling's Dehumanizing Nature - From a Fan

Things in Football that are dehumanizing:

•Number of players

•The facemasks

•The violence

•Fans mythologizing the players

•Fans believing the players are superhuman thus dehumanizing them

•Players dismissing the violence and cosigning what the NFL is doing which encourages fans to say, "Well, if Jason Kelce is okay with football, who am I to question the sport or the NFL?"

•TV personalities (former NFL players) seeming just fine to the viewers so it perpetuates the illusion that playing in the NFL isnt "that dangerous".

•Constant cognitive dissonance is encouraged at all times throughout every presentation of the NFL by players interviewed after the game, play by play announcers and color commentors, sideline reporters and studio analysts.

Are you ready for some death?

Viewers watched Damar Hamlin die live on TV. We had no update when he left the field. Then we found out later he was in a coma. Teams went back to practice.

Damar finally spoke, "Did we win?"

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

The NFL had initially put a 15 minute timer on the screen when the ambulance removed Damar from the field. Players had been vomiting and sobbing around him. Viewers saw him lifelessly collapse backwards from an ordinary shoulder tackle to the chest.

Then we saw Stefon Diggs, one of the Bills captains, rallying his troops. Then we saw Joe Burrow warming up and throwing the football. The timer continued to tick down.

70,000 Bengals fans had been silenced.

Troy and Buck tell the viewers there is no official word yet on whether the game is going to continue but, as viewers, we can see Stefon Diggs and Joe Burrow getting ready to get back on the field on the sidelines. Then we see the teams head to their respective lockerrooms.

Troy and Buck tell us theres still no word on whether the game will continue, be postponed or cancelled. We are taken back to our studio analysts Booger, Schefty and the female co-host. Over an hour passes by without a decision. Finally, the call is made to suspend play.

But once Damar speaks, the NFL media removes the on-screen 15 minute timer from the endless retelling of the story.

Stefon never rallied his troops. Burrow never warmed up on the sidelines. The official story retold all week was that there was an official process the NFL had to undertake to call the game off and that, yes that process takes some time and isnt automatic and it did take over an hour, but the NFL did the right thing.

There was no on-screen timer. Stefon Diggs and Joe Burrow were never shown on the sidelines preparing to return to play.

Dont believe your own lying eyes.

Fans are constantly given mixed messaging. Football is at the same time: a children's game, war, brutalistic, violent, a blessing to be able to play, potentially career ending on every play, gladiatorial, as American as apple pie, entertainment, a crucible, a maker of men, just a game, high risk/high reward, not for the faint of heart, a character builder, concerned with "player safety", maximizing profit at all costs, a game that children play that NFL players get paid millions of dollars to play as adult men, a game with 100% risk of injury.

Which one is it?

NFL players have an aura of invincibility and immortality. Therefore, they will never get old, injured, have CTE, early onset dementia or memory issues.

They will live forever, always young, strong, unstoppable and immutable. They are our avatars and the audience lives (and plays football) vicariously through them.

Fans are constantly fed the lies by current players and TV analysts, many of whom are former players themselves, that the NFL players are "grown ass men" who knew the risks when they signed up, they chose to do this and, by the way, they are being paid handsomely for this. They would rather be playing football with all its risks than be a life insurance sales rep, for example. They live for the rush of the adrenaline and the hits just like the fans do.

Bullfuckingshit. What 8 year old can make a decision like this? Many NFL players started playing football at the Pee Wee, Mighty Tykes or Pop Warner levels.

An 8 year old child can truly decide if the game of football is worth sacrificing his mind over?

Most NFL players have older men in their families who also played football - fathers, older brothers, uncles. What kind of a choice is that if football is just what the men in your family do and you are a child?

Football is violent, exciting and fun. 14 year old teenagers - not adults - are filled with hormones and pumped up with testosterone. Even the NFL players who started later in high school, at the age of 14, I would argue were influenced by the glamorization of football in American culture, the hero worship its players receive, the tough gladiators they see every Sunday on their TV screens during football season and the social status conferred upon popular football players in the social jungle known as high school.

A million teenage boys play football in high school every year and never get paid a dime for it -- even the ones who play for big programs with games that air on ESPN Friday nights.

They are getting concussed. They are sustaining serious injuries. Their high schools are profiting handsomely. They are just kids! They are being exploited.

In high school football, per the rules prior to a recent rule change in 2022 - just last year, a quarterback cannot throw the ball away like he can in the NFL if he can't make a play.

Why are "grown ass men being paid millions" being protected more than kids playing for free in high school?

Out of the million high schoolers who play football every year, only 100k play in college and only 1,000 play in the NFL.

Division I college football rakes in billions, the men who are playing Division I football make nothing and are not even offered health insurance by their schools.

They often suffer debilitating lifelong injuries including head trauma, CTE, paralysis and even death. Yet the schools pay them nothing. Yes, they can now make money off of their Name, Image and Likeness (NIL).

But why do the schools make billions and the young men who sacrifice their bodies and minds for this sport get paid nothing by the schools endlessly exploiting and profiting off of them?

Why cant the schools making billions off of these young men's literal blood, sweat and tears even offer them at least health insurance that would cover catastrophic injuries?

College teams routinely administer powerful painkillers and narcotics to players, often times vastly exceeding the recommended dosage, without warning the players about the risks and serious adverse side effects.

A "grown ass man" is a fucking 18 year old per the laws of the United States. None of the men playing in the NFL made the initial choice to play the game of football as an adult.

Most started playing as kids, some as late as high school, at 14. All were children, not adults, when they made the decision to inflict bodily violence and harm upon themselves and others, to accept head trauma, collisions, concussions, potential memory loss, potential early onset dementia, potential CTE, potential paralysis and even potential death.

It was a decision guided by and heavily influenced by the older men in their families, our cultures worship of football and deification of the men who play it, the smiling TV analysts with their expensive suits who played the game, the intense poverty many players in the league suffer in childhood that they are so desperate to escape, the millions they believe they can make on the professional level when less than 1% of high school football players will ever even suit up for a game in the NFL.

Thats not a free choice by a "grown ass man".

Thats a coerced choice made by a child with long lasting and potentially debilitating, devastating and even fatal consequences.

Why are we okay with this?

So, even if the choice to play football is made as children and teenage boys, even if that decision is endlessly influenced by their fathers, brothers and uncles who played, the football gods on TV every Sunday, the smiling TV analysts in their expensive suits and the social rewards from playing the game, well, (the disingenuous argument goes) -- why don't they just walk away as adult men playing in the NFL? Why don't they do what Chris Borland and Andrew Luck did?

The reason those names instantly come to mind is because walking away from your NFL career early is vanishingly rare.

These men, since they were boys, have been indoctrinated into the mythos of football.

All they have known is football. If you start playing at 8, by the time you make it to the NFL, you have literally been playing football for most of your life. They don't know anything else.

Football is practically a religion.

Its not just a game. Its going to war with your brothers. Its a brotherhood. Its the epitome of masculinity. Its manhood distilled to its purest essence. It proves youre a man. It purifies you. Its a crucible and, if you pass through, you are a battle tested warrior.

Coerced choice:

•Father, brothers, uncles and older men in the family play football so its "just what the men in the family do"

•American society endlessly glamorizes and glorifies football

•Football is presented as the ultimate sport on TV and the players are shown as heroes

•Social rewards for playing football as football is the sport in most high schools that has the most fans in the stands and the good players are popular and are at the top of the social hiearchy in high school

•Football is equated with masculinity in our society - "its what tough guys do". There is a social reward for playing football in that you are automatically regarded as and conferred with the status of being a "tough guy".

•A child and even a teenager is not truly capable of making a truly informed choice weighing all of the potential devastating, debilitating, life altering and potentially fatal consequences of playing football. Children and teenagers tend to think of the "right now". Their brains aren't even fully formed and developed yet. Teenagers also are dealing with a rush of hormones and being flooded with testosterone. No one is actually sitting them down and walking them through the dangers of CTE, the dangers of multiple concussions, the long term and permanent brain damage associated with repeated head impacts and subconcussive blows, potential memory loss, devastating injuries, possible paralysis and even death. No one is showing them former NFL players who cant even get out of bed in the morning. They cant move their neck from side to side. They cant open a pickle jar. They are seeing the gridiron heroes on Sunday afternoon running out of the smoke filled tunnel to the roar of 70k screaming fans. They arent seeing the men who have lost their minds to this game. Their lives to this game like Junior Seau and Dave Duerson. They arent seeing Aaron Hernandez. They arent seeing the men who have killed themselves, hurt their families, killed other people. They arent seeing the men diagnosed with early onset dementia at 36. They arent seeing the men unable to work, completely disabled from their playing days, at 40 who are denied any assistance from the NFL. They arent seeing any of that.

Theyre seeing the glory, the glamour, the hits, the violence, the excitement, the social rewards, the rich NFL athletes with the money, chains and cars, their seeing society's worship of the game of football, they're seeing the fun and the good sides of the sport, that it instills toughness, discipline, builds reslience and courage, and gifts you lifelong friends. Theyre not being shown the Eric LeGrands. Theyre not being shown that men who stopped playing even at the high school level have been found post mortem to have had CTE. Not college. Not Division I. High school.

How many men -- and boys -- will we sacrifice on the altar of football?

"The physical, gladiatorial nature of the game attracted them in the first place, many said. Among its rewards were electrifying Sundays, deep relationships with teammates, personal pride and social mobility - it paid for their college educations and afforded them a lifestyle they would never have enjoyed otherwise."

Most were kids when they started playing (ages 5 to 8 - Joe Burrow started at 8). Why wouldnt football seem alluring as a child? Its violent, exciting and fun. In real life, you cant hit anyone, throw anything, be too loud, etc.

In football, you are rewarded for lack of impulse control when teachers and parents punish you for it in real life. Its attractive because all of the "look both ways before you cross the street" rules get thrown to the wayside in football. You are not only allowed to but are actively encouraged to and have to hit. You have to be out of control. The rule in football is, dont follow any of societys civilized rules and go out there and hit each other.

What child doesnt want to break the rules?

I feel the wild and unrestrained nature of the sport naturally appeals to a childs rebelliousness and impish nature.

Does that really mean that that child wants to struggle to walk and remember where their keys are at 40?

"Supplanted those thoughts deep within us"

Sublimation of the mind, sublimation of the self.

Its the only way the players can get into 70 to 80 car crashes Sunday then put the pads right back on Wednesday at practice and start hitting again.

Similar to training camps in boxing where you are literally getting punched hundreds of times in the head to prepare for a fight for weeks.

Its a constant process of self denial, self abnegation, erasing the self, willful amnesia, willfully brainwashing yourself, always with a cool bravado, an indifferent attitude, a devil may care swag, always unafraid, never questioning the constant physical trauma that you are constantly subjecting your body to.

The body doesnt want to be traumatized regardless of how much the mind or spirit of these players may want to play the sport. They are constantly going against their bodies' natural wishes and self preservation instinct to not be harmed.

Yet they get in the car again and suit up and put the helmet on for yet another car crash.

Serious injuries that require surgery temporarily short circuit the brainwashing ritual.

They are no longer with their teammates every day. No reviewing film, taking notes. No reviewing the game plan. Studying the opponent. No drills. No hitting.

Nothing but surgey, pain, solitude, recovery, medication and your body rebelling against your desire to go back to the very thing that caused the injury and surgery in the first place.

This applies to wrestling too. Flat back bumps are the most unnatural thing in the world. Thats why so many corporate team building retreats will ask you to fall backwards and let your co-workers catch you.

Wrestlers brainwash themselves for six to twelve months during training.

What do you think ring rust really is?

Its the body rejecting the unnatural trauma it is being asked to put itself back through after the wrestler returns after time away from the ring.

Theres nothing normal about concussing yourself as you slam your body against a mat that has wooden boards underneath it thousands of times.

The wrestler brainwashes himself and, through thousands of repetitions, forces the body to adapt, but to never truly accept the constant physical trauma.

So,  when theres an injury and the wrestler is out of the ring for awhile then returns, the body initially rejects the unnatural reintroduction of the trauma. We saw this with the Young Bucks on AEW All Access.

The body doesnt want to be continuously and repeatedly subjected to physical trauma.

The body rebels, the mind suppresses. The body rejects, the mind denies. The body pushes back, the mind brainwashes.

8 in 10 former NFL players per a 2017 study report pain that lasts for most of the day.

The current NFL players are young men in their 20s who have an invincibility aura endlessly reinforced by the fans.

Testosterone, money, fame, women, 70k roaring fans and smoke-filled tunnels.

You cant play in the NFL, box, fight in UFC or professionally wrestle unless you have a self myth of invincibility.

They all feel like that and the media and fans endlessly uphold and reinforce the myth.

Why would they think beyond the current season, much less 15 to 20 years from now?

We worship their recklessness and marvel at their ability to throw caution to the wind, their physical courage and their lack of regard for their own well being.

Their braveness, toughness and swag. How they pop right back up no matter how hard the hit is. We endlessly cheer this all on and adulate them for it.

They are the only ones who have to pay for it later once the cheering stops.

"It's like being awfully drunk at night and throwing up and swearing you will never let it happen again," said Ralph Cindrich, a former NFL player who now serves as a player agent. "And the next morning you're having a bloody mary at 9."

It is exactly like this - this is the ritual brainwashing where you convince your body to get back into the car crash Wednesday after 70 to 80 car crashes on Sunday - 17 weeks in a row.

Same with hitting drills for months during training camp.

"To improve the quality of life for my family."

If the above quoted former player (now disabled human) doesnt care and is okay with all this, then I care that the NFL exploits all its current and former players by not offering them guaranteed contracts. A lot of the money in NFL contracts are incentives based on performance so if you dont play, or you dont play well, you dont get any of the incentives.

Contracts in the NFL aren't guaranteed like in all other major US sports so you can be cut at any time. Team physicians makes decisions and diagnoses based off of the teams interest, not the players.

Just because the players have been brainwashed all their lives by the men in their family who played the game and by coaches yelling and barking orders at them ("Sir, yes sir!") to accept all this as okay doesnt mean I have to.

They are told they're invincible their entire lives!

The fans tell you. Your coach and father brainwashes you.

What the hell else are the players going to believe?

They're already reckless or they wouldn't be playing a collision sport.

Then the fathers and coaches add their machismo crap and the fans add their worship and adulation.

Then we act surprised that the players themselves think they're invincible?

How else do running backs run through a wall of linemen 25 to 30 times a game? How else do cornerbacks launch themselves against players sometimes outweighing them by 100+ pounds? How else do tight ends bang on the line 70 to 80 times a game? How else do you get sacked 70+ times in a season and keep brushing it off like it's nothing?

The entire sport, like PBR (bullriding), is based off of the lie that these men are invincible gods, that they are indestructible, superhuman and impervious to pain then we as a society want to blame the men for believing the indestructability myth they have been indoctrinated with their whole lives??

Thats the vicarious nature of football, boxing, UFC, professional wrestling and PBR.

If just for a moment, I can pretend that I would have stood still and calm in the pocket and gotten absolutely smashed like Joe Burrow did when he calmly and accurately threw an absolute dagger for first down to seal the game against the Chiefs with a 350 lb defender barreling towards him at top speed.

If only for a moment, I can pretend that I would ride a 1500 pound enraged bucking Brahma bull then get wildly thrown off after 8 seconds.

Just for a moment, I can pretend I am Adesanya with my arms held high in exultation, in the bloody octagon as the fans roar their approval.

But then we get to go back to our real lives, heads and minds and memories and joints and bones and ligaments and tendons intact. They don't.

They pay the price for us to live vicariously through them as our avatars.

Why the hell didn't Jon Moxley (AEW former Champion wrestler) take his vacation?

We all know Moxley has replaced his alcohol addiction with an UNhealthy addiction to self-mutilation in the ring (aka the cute and dismissive euphemism of "blading") and constant physical matches.

He should have gone on vacation when MJF won. He literally can't. Renee knows this and the fans mock her for it when she dares to tweet her concerns over the love of her life and father of her child bleeding like a stuck pig for no reason on a random Rampage Friday night at 10:06 pm.

Moxley bleeds when his theme song hits someone on twitter says. Renee forces herself to type LOL in response while she cringes internally.

Why else was Moxley doing deathmatches in GCW as the World Champion on TV in AEW?

Its the same reasom why Joe Burrow said "I like getting hit" the season he was sacked over 70 times.

I know. Why am I still watching then?

Joe Burrow, Eagles, NFL, WWE, AEW, ROH, Impact, NJPW, Ricky Garcia.

Im still watching because I cant let go of my admiration for them.

Like, thats my internal struggle. But hell yeah, I'm human. When the music hits and Joe Burrow runs out of the tunnel, I mean seriously?

Its what their father, uncles and older brothers and coaches told them they were supposed to do.

Seriously, pull up Pop Warner tackle football drills for 8 year olds on Youtube and listen to how the coach gets them to hit each other.

We laughed at Giselle because she dared to tell an uncomfortable truth about the goat.

2,000 individual players played in the NFL last season.

There is no other sport like that in the world.

It allows and causes all these excesses and abuses. The players are nothing but interchangeable and disposable chess pieces because theres so many of them. Theyre nothing but videogame characters we get to switch off with a push of the remote button. Theyre not flesh and blood. Theyre not real. They are here to entertain and excite and inspire us. Then when Troy and Buck say good night, we turn them off, and they cease to exist.

How else does Sammy Guevara fly off the top of the cage unless he convinces himself of the same invincibility myth that NFL players convince themselves of?

Nothing can hurt me. I am invincible and unbreakable. There is no ladder I wont jump off of, no cage I wont leap off of, no spot is too high or too dangerous.

Its all bullshit but the fans eat it up and so do the athletes. Its an endless reinforcement loop.

We cheer Vikingo on and we pretend that Rey Mysterio hasnt had 14 knee surgeries.

We cheer the needlessly reckless and fucking dangerous high spots the most.

Our jaws drop, our adrenaline flows and we roar our approval as the spots continue to get ever higher, more reckless and more dangerous.

And all we do is give a bigger pop in return.

"The analysis, based on self-reports among former NFL players, found that Black players were significantly more likely than white players to experience diminished quality of life due to impaired physical function, pain, cognitive troubles, depression and anxiety. In four of five health outcomes, the gaps were greatest between Black and white former players."

76% of the NFL is black.

The above analysis showed that Black former NFL players were 50 percent more likely than white former players to have pain that interfered with daily activities, as well as depression and anxiety.

Black former players were 36 percent more likely to have cognitive symptoms -- including memory deficits and attention problems -- that impacted their quality of life. Black former players were also nearly 90 percent more likely to report impaired physical functioning, compared with their white peers.

Other factors that may affect health outcomes, the researchers also looked at number of seasons played in the NFL, position played, concussion symptoms, surgeries, body-mass index, use of performance-enhancing drugs, lifestyle habits including drinking and smoking, as well as pain medication use. The differences between races persisted even when the researchers accounted for the possible influence of these factors.

The researchers examined whether differences in health varied by a player's age, as a surrogate marker for diversity and equity in the era that they played in. Although younger nonwhite players were in the NFL during a period marked by greater diversity and greater equity, their risk for adverse health outcomes remained the same as that of older players.

A first-of-its-kind comparison between elite pro athletes suggests higher overall mortality among NFL players compared with MLB players. NFL players also appear to have higher risk of dying from cardiovascular and neurodegenerative causes compared with MLB peers. The differences warrant further study of sport-specific mechanisms of disease development. Clinicians treating current and former NFL players should be vigilant about the presence of cardiovascular and neurologic symptoms and promptly treat risk factors such as sleep apnea, obesity, hypertension.

The findings are based on a retrospective analysis of death rates and causes of death in 3,419 NFL (National Football League) and 2,708 MLB (Major League Baseball) players over more than 30 years.

There were 517 deaths among NFL players and 431 deaths among MLB players between 1979 and 2013. The difference translates into a 26 percent higher mortality among football players compared with baseball players. NFL players had a nearly threefold greater likelihood of dying of neurodegenerative conditions, compared with MLB players. They also had a nearly 2.5-fold risk of dying from a cardiac cause, the study showed.

Football players sustain countless traumatic head injuries throughout their careers. These athletes enjoy the best of care while on the team, but it's estimated that up to 80% of NFL's former players are not covered under employer-sponsored medical plans.

Theres such a high impact, risky style thats popular in wrestling today. I believe there will be severe consequences of this high risk style for todays wrestlers 10+ years down the road. Its just not safe or sustainable the way Darby Allin, Sammy Guevara, Young Bucks, Bryan Danielson, Vikingo, Lucha Bros, etc wrestle. It is too high risk and it is too hard hitting and there are going to be many repurcussions down the line.

The USFL and XFL players get a CHANCE to get to the NFL, theyre on TV and theyre continuing their dream.

They are also ALL getting concussed for ~$40k a year with NO health insurance coverage once they leave the USFL.

Unlike NFL, there is no vesting, pension or continuing health coverage.

So yeah, they can continue the dream, but at what cost?

Unlike a minor league baseball player, these USFL and XFL players will all have brain damage (literally what a concussion is) and may also have debilitating and even permanent physical injuries that continue after they leave their respective leagues with no continued health insurance from the leagues they played for.

If someone is paralyzed on a kickoff return in the USFL, what does that person do?

Its all the risks of the NFL without any of the financial rewards and without even the possibility of vesting, receiving a pension or continuing health insurance once they stop playing.

Injuries incurred while in the USFL will be viewed by employer sponsored health coverage plans as pre-existing conditions and most will be denied coverage.

Then what happens as most of these guys will never make it onto an NFL team?

Wrestlers do need protection from themselves but NXT, AEW, NJPW, GCW, etc encourages a flashy, risky, dangerous style with tons of stunts and ridiculously high spots.

Yes, they wrestle a lot less today, especially AEW, with a lot less house shows.

But coffin drops on the apron arent sustainable. 450 splashes from the top of the cage arent sustainable. Botched unnecessary risky ladder spots are completely dangerous.

Yet they happen again and again.

I gasp too, my jaw drops too, I say holy shit! too. Im human, I love drama, I love characters, I love personas, I love larger than life personalities, I love storylines, I admire physical courage, I respect the sheer physicality of it all and the toughness required, I love their bravado, I love their swag, I love that they took the road less traveled in society and said fuck a 9 to 5, the women are sexy, they are all brave and fearless as fuck, I love the gimmicks, I love the faceoffs, the staredowns, shit talk, confrontations, backstage segments and all the rest of it.

So similar to how I feel about football.

I dont love them breaking down their bodies and minds to entertain us in wrestling and football and boxing.

Im so conflicted.

I asked myself why I cant stop watching wrestling.

I am too invested in the characters, storylines and the wrestlers journeys. Too caught up in the drama.

Who else is Swerve adding to his crew? Cant wait to see BTE and BCC tear it down. Jade vs Taya, are you kidding me. Want to see Ruby, Saraya and Toni fuck it up.

I dont just want the adrenaline, I need the release. I seriously wanted to do that 7 week wrestling training class with Quackenbush. I am doing the 1 day wrestling workshop at Chikara's wrestling school in June.

I cant get over concussions from the flat back bumps. Thats why I backed out of the 7 week class.

They say subconcussive, science says me slamming myself backwards against a mat with wooden boards under it, "spreading the impact" or not, my brain is still being jerked with the impact, hitting the inside of my skull, thats a concussion!

Linemen hitting every play, concussion! Running backs running into a wall of linemen, concussion! Quarterback still as a statue in the pocket throws a dart to his wide receiver and gets absolutely smashed by a 300+ pound defender, thats a concussion! Tight ends banging on the line, concussion! WR smashed in the open field, concussion! Every QB sneak is a concussion! Every time the QB runs it in less than 5 yards from the goal line and smashes himself into a wall of men, concussion! Every kick off return that doesnt end in a touch back, concussion! Every onside kick, concussion! Punt return, concussion!

Every time players collide in football, concussion! Every time the QB falls backwards while being hit and slams his head against the turf, concussion! Every time a QB is sacked, concussion! Every time a LB hits the QB, concussion! Every time the DE rushes and hits the QB, concussion! Every time the QB is hit, concussion!

Every suicide dive is a concussion!

A concussion is head impact where the brain moves forward or backwards and hits the inside of the skull!

Its not nausea, dizziness, seeing stars, blacking out, loss of motor control, difficulty walking, memory issues or what a CT scan or MRI shows!

Its head impact where the brain moves forward or backwards and hits the inside of the skull even with no symptoms!!!!!

Every 450 splash, every splash to the outside, every top rope maneuver, every superkick, every stiff strike, every hard slap, every elbow strike, every kick to the head, every jump off the ladder, every jump from the top of the cage, every single time someone is put through a table, every time someone is thrown into the barricade, every time someones head is slammed into the exposed turnbuckle, every dive off the stage, every body slam to the outside, every slam into the ringpost, concussion!

Football and wrestling ARE concussions, period!

CTE tests in living people once available will expose the current lie that pretends that all of the above arent concussions and are normal football plays, normal wrestling spots, and "subconcussive impacts".

Science says they are concussions, multibillion dollar corporations like the NFL and WWE say they arent.

Who do you believe?

Heading the ball in soccer is a concussion. Batter being hit in the head by 95+ mph ball is a concussion. Catcher getting a foul tip to his mask is a concussion. Runner trucking the catcher or colliding with the catcher is a concussion. Many spots in cheerleading and gymnastics are concussions. Being checked against the board in hockey is a concussion. Tackles in lacross and rugby are concussions. Falling on hard wooden floorboards in basketball is a concussion. Elbow to the head from a defender in basketball is a concussion.

There is a reckoning coming in virtually all sports once CTE tests in living people are possible and neurologists say they will have it in 3 to 5 years tops.

Punches to the head in boxing, their entire sport, IS a concussion.

Elbows to the head in MMA, concussion. Knee strikes in MMA, concussion. Blows to the back of the head in MMA, concussion. Certain takedowns in MMA, concussion. Ground and pound in MMA, foundational to the sport, concussion.

There are changes coming among virtually all sports once the CTE test in living people is developed.

Tackle football will go away and will either become 7 on 7 with foam helmets like rugby and/or flag football.

Soccer will eliminate headers.

Hockey will eliminate checks and penalize things like high sticks more severely.

Mainstream boxing, I think, may go away.

MMA will focus more on wrestling, less on strikes, GnP and knockouts. It will transition more to tapping to submissions and pure grappling and wrestling.

Baseball will remove head first sliding and change some of the rules about how catchers can defend home. Hitters beaned in the head will automatically be removed from the game. Players in collisions running bases or sliding will be auto eval'd for concussions. Not sure what they will do with foul tips for catchers as that is rather unavoidable.

Cheerleading isnt designated as a sport, so there probably will be no changes. Gymnastics and synchronized swimming will have more frequent and rigorous concussion checks. Same with water polo and jockeys.

PBR may not change much, hard to say. The lower circuit rodeos are completely unregulated and those are the men (best of the best) competing in PBR. Not sure how much NASCAR will change either as every crash and slam into the wall is a concussion. Same with Formula 1, tons of concussions, not sure how much they will change.

There is a definite reckoning coming to the younger lower levels of these sports as schools, gyms and training facilities will be unable to get insured once it is discovered, depending on the sport, that ~20% to even 90%+ of the participants have CTE.

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So, thats why I cant stop watching wrestling, for football to be honest, its because of Joe Burrow. I wont pretend its deeper because it isnt.

I want to see his journey, I want to see him, I want to give him his literal flowers in person, I want to cheer him on. The Joe Burrow Quotes Note on my phone with all his quotes that inspire me says it all.

-----

Buffalo cleared Damar Hamlin.

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I still want to meet Joe Burrow.

---

Joe said he wanted flowerS and hes only gotten more than 1 flower from his team and not a fan. Thats not right. I want to give him the orange bouquet. They also never die so for someone like Joe who loves flowers, how cool is that. Plus the roses are Bengals orange.

Joe is risking his mind, CTE, incurring permanent brain damage and further physical and structural damage to his body to put himself on the line for the fans. He admitted to Colin Cowherd there are tons of games he doesnt even remember, he was hit so hard. He already has amnesia from the hits and concussions! And noone can get the man more than a lousy flower at practice? Fuck that shit.

Im giving him the bouquet after a game. Bengals vs Ravens in Baltimore.

No union in any of the wrestling companies. They're all freelancers, no benefits. WWE, covers injuries that happen in-ring. If a stinger hits you later after you've been released, then thats your ass.

Does AEW cover medical expenses for injuries that occur in-ring? I am not sure of the policy. Doubt it or Danhausen wouldnt have needed the gofundme for his broken leg and subsequent surgery. Right?

Wrestlers can be released at any time. No pension. The pre-existing conditions from wrestling will not be covered by any future employers medical coverage plans. Same as NFL players who dont get to 5 years and dont vest.

So, whats the plan as a wrestler, other than trying to get rich as a main eventer? The percentage who achieve that vs those relegated to AEW Dark, a few matches here and there, sporadic appearances on Elevation then release?

Same with WWE. Mid carder, jobber, moved down to NXT, used as an extra on Raw a few times, disappear off TV for months, announced as released after Mania.

Then who pays for all the injuries accumulated in the ring? Neck, back, spine? Broken bones? Herniated discs? Surgeries? Physical therapy? Who pays?

What if you never got over to the point where a gofundme gets you anything close to paying all those bills out of pocket?

Trained for a year, debuted at an indy show, made some rounds at MLW, some appearances at PWG, show or two at GCW, used as fodder on AEW Dark or on NXT, used as a jobber, in a few matches on Rampage a few months apart, and the fans only know you as the "black girl not Red Velvet or Kiera".

So, then what happens to that wrestler who has knee, back, neck, spine issues, that whatever job they have, whatever medical coverage, it wont cover injuries sustained during their wrestling career because theyre pre-existing conditions?

What happens when youre not Brandi Rhodes, you dont make $10k in 2 hours, you dont get a signing at Wrestlemania, the fans dont remember you or are indifferent at best, your gofundme gets a few retweets, you sell some used gear to a few male fans, what about the $50k to $100k+ (easily $500k to $1m+) in medical bills all out of pocket that you have to pay because no employer sponsored medical plan will cover pre-existing conditions that occur in a wrestling ring or, for that matter, on a football field?

What happens to the Damar Hamlins of the world who dont die?

They just get taken to the back. We are told by Buck and Aikman that hes the cornerback for the Buffalo Bills, played at Pitt, standout corner, this was his first primetime game. Folks, our thoughts and prayers are with him as we head back to the field. Bengals have the ball on the 25.

Only, there is no update on the broadcast. If youre a Bills fan, maybe you find out that he was forced to retire due to a rare heart condition because he couldnt get medically cleared.

No fanfare. Gameday Morning doesnt mention him. Hes not a star, like Stefon Diggs or Josh Allen. In our zeal for how great the match up was with the Bengals, we have forgotten the injured, now retired at 24, cornerback. He quietly fades into obscurity, without being vested, without a pension, without benefits.

What happens to him?

In fact, there are many Damar Hamlins. They dont die dramatically on the field then get resuscitated later.

They retire early into obscurity, depression, bankruptcy, endless debt, broken bodies, broken minds and broken dreams.

And no one thinks about them. Outside of a very few like me. I googled all this after Damars injury. I wanted to know, what about guys like Damar, rookie season or a few years into the league, catastrophic injury, no vesting since they played less than 5 years.

You didnt die on MNF, so no fanfare, no drama, no mainstream media coverage, no 2 million dollars to your toy fund in 24 hours.

They are forgotten and tossed and brushed aside.

They are the price of playing in the NFL.

High risk, high reward. You can make millions or leave penniless. Thats the risk these men take, but its also the reward that they can get. They choose to roll the dice. They are grown men. That is their choice.

But what happens to them?

Silence.

[oscarpiastriwdc]

Hiii 🥰

I’ve just finished a reread (that I’ve started immediately after finishing it the first time) of standing at your door and omggg I’m obsessed !!! & I have some lore questions if I may🤲

1. How did Lewis react to George’s termination (apart from what we already know) - has his relationship with Toto/the team changed because of it?

2. I’ve seen you answered an ask about Gax trying to keep the relationship a secret but that it’s pretty much an open secret in the paddock - when and how does the public find out, and what are the reactions like (were there rumors before this or is it a complete surprise)?

3. Does Max really take just 1 year off, do they later race against each other? When does Baby No. 2 potentially come into the story?

Thank you so much for writing this, I can’t wait to hear more of your thoughts ❤️❤️❤️

HELLO!!!! oh these are fantastic lore questions thank you so much <3 here's (probably) way more information than you asked for

Lewis has talked about how the nature of being a professional athlete means you grow up later than some people might. In this verse, Lewis has reached the point where he's grown weary and tired of the whole system. He's been chewed up and spit out again by the system so many times that all he can see is the rotten core. On top of that, Lewis has a whole mess of feelings about the issue of carrier rights thanks to Nico. Nico's known he's a carrier since he was 12, Lewis found out when he was 16. Nico managed to keep his status a secret through his whole career and Lewis was the only person at Merc who knew. When the GPDA didn't pass the protections the first time around, all his feelings were caught up in keeping Nico's secret and, later, the championship battle. After Nico retired, he felt so guilty for how everything went down and George getting fired brought up the whole mess of feelings again. It's not the final straw, per se, but one of them. He's done with the whole circus and ready to move on. He distances himself from Toto bit by bit until he announces his retirement. The GPDA finally passing protections for pregnant drivers and the news of George's lawsuit settlement lets him feel like he can leave at peace.

The public knows George is pregnant/has a baby, but no one knows who the other father is. Speculation and rumors run rampant, but George pretty much goes into hiding, or at least is never seen with Virginia and/or Max once she's born. There's definitely a rumor that floats around that Max is the father but no one takes it seriously—everyone remembers what their relationship was like before George stopped driving and it's a laughable thought. When Max's leave gets announced, coinciding with George's return to F1, no one makes the connection at first. RBR refuses to share the reasons for Max's leave, and Virginia is never seen at the paddock with George. But Virginia is growing up and George and Max are worrying about making sure Virginia is spending time outside, so Max starts appearing with her around Monaco, face always hidden or covered, but the public notices and starts speculating that maybe she's George's baby. No one engages with the rumors, but they keep growing, eventually reaching the point that everyone knows, even if it's not officially confirmed. It doesn't get confirmed until Max returns to F1 and Virginia makes an appearance at the first race of the season with George's giant bambi eyes in the RBR hospitality.

Max LOVES the stay-at-home dad routine, but it also brings up a ton of Big Feelings regarding his future and his identity outside of racing and his relationship with his own parents and childhood. (I have part of a thing written about Max's Big Feelings while at home with Virginia, we'll see if that ever gets finished or posted lol). He was only planning to take one year off, but ends up taking two, wanting to wait until Virginia is a bit older and at a stage where she can travel with him and George to races. George is still racing and they race against each other for two seasons before George's body can't take driving anymore so he retires, while Max races for another season. At that point, Virginia is 6 and they're ready to have another baby—they decided to wait until they were both retired so Max and George can do the whole pregnancy together.

[mariacallous]

Before a sperm can fertilize an egg, it faces a long journey: Propelled by the back and forth movement of its tail, it needs to swim all the way through the female reproductive tract to the fallopian tube, where it meets an egg. But in a new study, researchers who want to develop on-demand male contraceptives say they’ve figured out a way to prevent pregnancy: temporarily stop the sperm from swimming.

In a paper published today in Nature Communications, the researchers announced that when they injected 52 male mice with an experimental compound called TDI-11861, it temporarily inhibited an enzyme that helps sperm move. When they paired the males off with females to mate, no pregnancies occurred. (The same number of male mice treated with a control substance impregnated almost one-third of their mates.) The effects lasted for up to two and half hours. At around three hours, some sperm started moving again, and by 24 hours, nearly all sperm recovered normal movement. The authors say the results point the way to a short-term birth control option for men.

“It’s pretty clear that this is an on-off switch for sperm,” says Lonny Levin, a professor of pharmacology at Weill Cornell Medicine in New York, and an author on the paper. “We thought inhibiting this would be a great way to stop sperm in their tracks, prevent them from ever leaving the vagina and getting to the promised land to fertilize an egg.” 

But injecting a drug before sex isn’t exactly an appealing idea, so the researchers also tested an oral version in male mice and confirmed that the drug immobilized sperm when delivered this way. This method of birth control doesn’t contain hormones, as pills for women do. The idea is that it could be taken shortly before sex, rather than daily. “I think this is really one of the biggest advancements for non-hormonal contraceptives in recent times,” says Christopher Lindsey, a program official in the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, which partly funded the work. 

Levin and his collaborator Jochen Buck, also a professor of pharmacology at Weill Cornell, didn’t initially set out to find a male contraceptive. They were studying a regulatory enzyme called soluble adenylyl cyclase, or sAC, which is found in almost every cell. When they genetically engineered mice to lack this enzyme, they found that the males were infertile. The enzyme appears to play a major role in activating a sperm cell’s ability to swim.

That led the researchers on a new quest to develop a potential male contraceptive by designing compounds that could block sAC. But because this enzyme is present elsewhere in the body—and may be necessary for other cellular functions—they didn’t think it would be a good idea to shut it off permanently.

In 2018, Melanie Balbach, a postdoctoral associate in their lab, gave one of those experimental compounds to mice and found that it produced sperm that could not propel themselves forward. “They didn't move. They didn't twitch,” Levin says. But that compound lost its effect once it entered the female reproductive tract. So the researchers kept testing compounds that would keep sperm immobile. 

Over time, they refined TDI-11861. In mice, the drug didn’t appear to interfere with sexual functioning or cause any side effects. And most importantly, the sperm were normal again a day later. 

Of course, there is a big caveat: Mice are not people. But humans also have the sAC enzyme, and in males, it’s also involved in sperm movement. Buck and Levin are reassured that the strategy might be safe in people by another team’s report from 2019, which described two infertile men with mutations in the gene that makes sAC. The men were otherwise healthy, except for having a higher risk of kidney stones. (Mice bred without this gene have elevated eye pressure, which wasn’t a problem found in the men without the gene.) 

To test the safety of their compound, the Cornell team continuously infused it into male and female mice via a pump for six weeks. They noted no side effects, including no kidney issues. They’re now testing the compound in rabbits, which have reproductive organs that are more similar to those of humans. 

Many efforts to create male contraceptives have used hormones—primarily testosterone—to suppress sperm production. But like hormonal birth control for women, these drugs can have an array of negative side effects, including mood swings, weight gain, and decreased libido. Both female and male hormonal birth control also take weeks to become fully effective at preventing pregnancy. A trial sponsored by the National Institutes of Health that’s testing a hormonal gel for men is showing promising results, but the gel must be applied daily to the shoulders to keep sperm levels low enough for effective contraception. 

Some men might prefer a non-hormonal, temporary option. “I think it’s a really wonderful idea and would be very much appreciated by a lot of people who would not maybe want to take a pill every day,” says Gunda Georg, a professor of medicinal chemistry at the University of Minnesota, who researches male and female contraceptives and wasn’t involved in the new work. “I think we need to have many different options for contraception for men and also for women.” 

Georg’s lab developed a non-hormonal pill, dubbed YCT529, that targets a protein called retinoic acid receptor alpha and is involved in sperm formation. In mice, it greatly reduced sperm counts and was 99 percent effective at preventing pregnancy after being given daily for four weeks. 

While Buck and Levin are also working toward a pill, these are less efficient at delivering drugs than injections. The stomach tends to degrade them, and Levin says the current version of their compound would need to be a pretty large pill. The researchers have launched a company, Sacyl Pharmaceuticals, to further refine their sAC inhibitors and advance them to human clinical trials. “We're trying to get a compound that will be a nice, small pill,” Levin says. 

They also acknowledge that the current compound wears off too quickly, which could result in unwanted pregnancies if not taken at exactly the right time, so they’re hoping to extend the window of effectiveness to 18 hours or so. While there’s still a lot of testing ahead, if all goes well, maybe it will play a role in future Valentine’s Days. “Presumably, you could take this over dinner, and then within an hour, similar to Viagra, you would be ready to engage in sexual activity,” Lindsey says. 

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: school shooting

hi!! so i’m kind of looking for some advice/also just a place to get all of my thoughts out about the topic and talk about what happened since i can’t really get myself to physically talk about it in person???

so basically, quite a few years ago, i went to a middle school that was attached to the high school where a very very very bad school shooting took place. it was one of the worst shootings of the 21st century and affected my entire town forever. the shooting itself and the two suicides that followed were (and still are) the only thing that my town had ever gone through so no one really knew how to react yk??

it was a holiday that day and when the shooting first began i was in my science class with my best friend of 10 years drawing up cards relating to the day. they announced the code red over our loudspeaker but they did not explain anything that was happening to us and we were not allowed to use our phones.

we spent the next 3-4 hours with no communication to the outside world, huddled behind my teacher’s desk. we could hear the faint gunshots, screaming, and police sirens from the high school but no one would tell us what was happening.

after those 3-4 hours we were allowed to get up from behind the desk and use our phones. that was when my best friend had looked at her phone to see texts from her sister in the high school telling her that there was a shooter in the school and she wasn’t sure if she was going to make it.

trying to get in contact with all of our loved ones was so difficult and i still think about the hopelessness to this day.

our school had released us loosely as if it was a regular dismissal, but there was no where to go. i was only 13 at the time and all the roads around the schools were closed off by police. the only way to get anywhere was to walk miles and miles by ourselves.

i didn’t really know how to get around all that well, we didn’t live in a very walkable town and there were hundreds of kids surrounding me, trying to figure out where to go and how to get home.

my friend and i finally found the parent of another friend of ours and walked 2 miles with them to get back to their car before they could drive us home.

i went out to dinner with my family for the holidays that night as if nothing had happened.

i didn’t realize the signs of ptsd until much much later. i finished out my year of school without a problem and i was convinced i was fine up until the beginning of the next year.

going back was, difficult to say the least. the shooting took place on a wednesday afternoon and the next year, every week, i would call my mom on wednesday telling her my stomach hurt and i needed her to come pick me up. it got to the point where i wouldn’t go out anymore, especially not to any place without windows for me to see any potential threats or ways out of the situation.

i still thought it was just regular anxiety. i wasn’t technically at the scene of the crime, how could i be traumatized?? i officially went to a therapist and she did end up diagnosing me with ptsd, anxiety, and depression. i ended up going to a six week outpatient program and switching to online school for the remainder of middle school.

flash forward years later to today and i am graduating from a real high school this year. i was feeling much better (i even was able to start celebrating the holiday again with my friends) so i stopped treatment quite a long time ago now but for the past two or three years i feel like my ptsd has been pushing out of me more?? like it feels almost worse?? i don’t understand because i thought it was supposed to get better with time and it did at first but now it feels like it’s coming back.

i know the obvious solution to this is to just start going to therapy again (and i will) but i’m scared that nothing will help. i am unable to repeat this story to anyone who asks without feeling absolutely ridiculous for feeling the way i do about the situation (i mean, i technically wasn’t even at the school) and that anxiety just keeps me from telling them anything at all.

talking about it in general is very painful as well and i don’t know how to explain it to people, especially not in person. but i don’t know how else to cope.

for the past few years, i’ve been having panic attacks multiple times a week at school and it’s hard to get anything done because of it and because of my complete lack of motivation.

when it started up again, i thought it was just me being stressed out from my (equally stressful) home life and issues with my adhd but then i started to notice the patterns again from before i started treatment, they just look a little different now.

i have to physically leave campus for our code red drills, i have been leaving school early due to anxiety nearly every week, even the thought of someone telling me i can’t leave the place i’m in at any given time will make me absolutely spiral into a horrible panic attack, it’s been getting harder and harder to motivate myself to get up and go everyday, and i have fallen back into being unable to celebrate the holiday anymore.

i’m scared that even if i do go to therapy again, nothing will help. i go off tocollege soon and i don’t know what i’m going to do if i have to deal with this alone, especially in a new place with new people who have never experienced anything like that. at least in my hometown, everyone pretty much gets it because most of them went through the same thing.

so that brings me to my big question: how do i get myself to actually tell this whole story to a therapist in a way that will help me get better? i feel like i’m drowning and i need a way out.

sorry that was a novel but very cathartic, thank you for listening❤️

Hi anon,

I am genuinely so sorry to hear about what you went through. That is terrifying and I'm so glad that you survived. It takes a lot of strength and bravery not only to live with this but to make the decision to share your story and seek support, so thank you for reaching out and know that you are not alone. Also please know that there is no need to apologize for the length of this ask and you are welcome to take up as much space as you need.

It's absolutely understandable to be traumatized by this experience, even to develop PTSD. It was an incredibly unpredictable and dangerous situation, and while looking back you can say you survived, that still doesn't erase the emotional weight and the uncertainty of whether or not you were going to make it.

It makes sense that school triggers you, given what you've been through. I feel like there's inherently some level of anxiety and tension around being in school with the influx in school shootings, but to experience it yourself can certainly make the idea of going back to school all the more unbearable.

While experiencing something like this can absolutely be traumatizing on it's own, trauma is really defined by how the survivor perceived and internally responded to the event. This is because everyone is so different and factors such as genetics and environment can impact resilience, which is the ability to cope with stressful events. So something may not be traumatic to one person that may be severely traumatic to another, and both are equally valid. It is completely okay to be traumatized by what happened to you.

It's also important to remember that healing isn't linear. I have PTSD too and for a while after my trauma it got worse, then it got better, then it got worse, then it got better. Healing is a process that takes time and sometimes going backwards is simply part of the next step.

As for seeking therapy, the main thing is to take your time. A therapeutic relationship starts by building rapport and getting to know each other, which may gradually make you feel more comfortable explaining to your therapist what you went through. That being said, you don't have to share anything you don't want to. Perhaps something you could work on with a therapist is getting yourself to open up to them, if that is something you feel is necessary to your treatment and healing journey.

In the meantime, please consider practicing some self care, including being kind, gentle, and patient to yourself as you process your trauma and heal at your own pace.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and we're here for you if you need anything.

-Bun