#ppl that help others in need deserve so many good things

[nomairuins]

and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do

[spacelazarwolf]

apparently a bunch of ppl on social media are trying to call for a boycott of rick riordan because of this statement in a blog post:

Becky and I are just back from a busy weekend with events at the Boston Book Festival and New York Comic-Con.

Before I get into that, however, some words to acknowledge the ongoing horrors in Israel and Gaza. As many of you may know, I am no longer on social media. My accounts post only updates on my books and related projects. I do not read posts, reply to posts, or share my thoughts about world events on those forums. That doesn’t mean I don’t have strong feelings and reactions. It means I am offline as completely as possible, except for the occasional blog post like this one.

I will say this: Over the last eighteen years, I have received many fan letters from young readers, both Israeli and Palestinian, who often told me that my books helped them escape the fear, grief and anxiety they were dealing with at the time. Some had lost family members to violence. Some were writing while in the distance they could hear explosions, gunfire, and the launching of rockets. They used my books as a way to escape into another world, where the monsters were fictional, and where demigods usually saved the day. While I am always glad that my books can help young readers find joy during difficult times, my heart breaks every time I hear about the things they have to deal with. I am grief-stricken by the horrific events now unfolding, especially because I know that they are part of a long historic pattern that has been robbing too many children of their childhood and perpetuating hatred for far too long.

I am also quite aware that when anyone, myself included, tries to speak about this issue, the reader is waiting to pounce, thinking, “Yes, but whose side are you on?” That is exactly the wrong question. If there are two sides to this issue, those sides are not Palestinian/Israeli or Muslim/Jewish. The two sides are humanitarian and dehumanizing. Dehumanizing has a long evil history. It is appealing and easy to buy into, because humans are tribal animals. We are hardwired to think in terms of ‘us’ versus ‘them.’ We are the real humans, the good guys, the ones with God on our side. Those other people are evil monsters who don’t deserve empathy. Hate mongers have thrived on dehumanizing for as long as there have been humans. It provides them with a purpose, a way to rally support, power, and scapegoats. It is easy to point to atrocities committed by our enemies, while justifying or minimizing the atrocities committed by ourselves or our allies.

Humanitarianism is a much harder sell. It requires us to empathize, to see other groups of people as equally deserving of dignity and quality of life. It requires not always putting ourselves and our needs first. But in the long run, humanitarianism is our only hope. If violence could end violence, if we could put an end to “those other people” once and for all, human history would read very differently than it does.

So yes, I am appalled by the Hamas attacks on Israeli civilians. I am appalled by the suffering of Palestinian civilians in Gaza. Both things can be true. Both things must be true. My thoughts are with all the people who have died, who have lost loved ones, who have had their worlds and their lives shattered, especially the children. More death and violence will not break this cycle, which has been going on for generations. There is no military solution. Even since I first wrote the post, only twenty-four hours ago, the Israeli government’s brutal retaliation against the entire population of Gaza has reached genocidal proportions. This is not only an atrocity. It is folly. Answering misery with misery only creates more fertile ground for extremism, dehumanizing the “other side,” letting hate mongers thrive, stay in power, and reduce us all to our most monstrous impulses. The only real solution is treating each other like equally worthy human beings, and negotiating a peace that allows all parties a chance to live in security and dignity, with hopes for a future that does not include bombs and rockets and gunfire. This means security and support for Israel, yes. It also means a secure Palestine which is allowed to get the international aid and recognition it needs to build a viable state.

Do I think that will happen? Unfortunately, no. Humans are simply too selfish, too ready to blame “the other” for all their problems, too ready to dehumanize, though I also believe, perhaps paradoxically, that most people just want to live their lives in peace and have a chance for their children to have a brighter future. The problem is when we don’t allow other people to have those same hopes and dreams — when it becomes a false choice of us versus them.

What can I do? I will continue to write books that I hope will give young readers some joy. I will resist the urge to demonize entire groups of people. I will call for less violence, not more violence. And when asked whose side I am on, I will tell you I am on the side of humanitarianism.

So with that said, I return to the world of books . . .

honestly, if you have a problem with this statement, it’s probably because he’s talking about you. this is exactly what legitimate activists (as in not just random westerners who share social media posts but on-the-ground activists who are doing real work) have been saying for decades. and i think all this really speaks to just how disconnected a lot of westerners who claim to be pro palestinian are from those activists.

if you can’t read a statement that says “i am on the side of humanitarianism and less violence” without immediately jumping to cancel them, you are the problem being discussed in the above statement.

[feistyvirghoe]

•*¨*•.¸¸☆*･ﾟ𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫, 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲’𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮? ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

pick a pile u feel most called to, the one u cannot look away from, the one that is pulsing, go with your gut, always trust yourself, and if u feel called to more that’s cool baby boo! there more for u!

these are general and for a vast amount of ppl, don’t get ur undies all twisted up bc it’s not resonating, it’s normal and it’s fine, this just wasn’t for u! <3

𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 1 - i see your future partner will see you as someone who has been through a hell of a lot, whatever u have overcome just makes them look at you as like this strong individual, someone who has suffered a lot probably at the hands of others too. they see you as an extremely fair individual, you don’t back down from a fight or challenge, whatever comes your way you still persevere and continue to move forward, it’s like u have been through so much strife but you’re still positive about life, the circumstances, like you try not to let that get to you, you’re an honest person, they see u as someone who’s fire is still there after all the weird conflicts you’ve gone through, you don’t let it break you down, still standing strong, but even though u may be very assertive and someone who seeks the truth, like a whistleblower, but u look so happy and vibrant on the outside like u kind of deceive people with that soft, warm, joyful exterior but if anyone tries you, they get like instant karma or just karma in general, like you’re not the one to fucking mess with, there is this passion within you that needs to be shown off, like letting yourself be seen.

𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 2 - your future person sees you as a bit naive but not in a bad way, there’s this innocence to you guys, you’re very okay like the lovebirds but then there’s sadness and a lot of fucking grief, maybe it’s coming from losing friends, family, lovers, pets, could be anything sentimental and close to your heart but they see u as so gifted and just as someone who doesn’t really break the rules, they see you as someone who may need some compassion in their life, like more support, i mean you’re extremely supported by the divine but u probably don’t feel that way in the 3D, like here physically IRL, do u not have many people that you can count on? like you have to do it all alone which you don’t and i’m sure your person will see this as well. there is so much good out there waiting for you, they’d want to see you and help u move on from whatever has happened that affected you so heavily, almost like u feel like you have no one on your side, but they’re there babe, it’s okay and completely harmless to obey and let yourself change for the better, for your highest good! they don’t want you holding onto this pain, i was very jokey about it earlier so maybe u guys can be the ones to brush it off but no, sitting with what happened and reflecting and not looking backwards at a past that you can’t change may help some. you’re worth so much more than whoever or whatever fucked u over, you deserve to be happy and feel happy and full of positive LOVING ENERGY! i feel like tapping back into spirit and becoming closer with the divine will help..easing the discomfort emotionally, you’re always loved and protected!

𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 3- okay my p3s, it took me a minute to feel out your energy, idk i was just getting really frustrated and now im sweaty and i just took a shower, so im feeling like your future lover may see you as a “hothead” no, you just have a temper, it seems like you like things your way, like you’re not the one to let shit slide, you stand up for yourself, something about you is just very fast moving, like go go go go (cue the cringey ass carnival song 💀) okay so yeah you have a temper and can be quick to jump the gun and just fucking move people out of your way. i see they see you as someone who can’t stand when other people are just slow moving, like you need to be stimulated and engaged with whatever you’re doing, like you will keep doing something over and over until you reach your desired outcome. i like yall, u guys don’t play around, and that’s what it is, your fucking feisty ass, my pile that seems to embrace change whether you like it or not, it’s like it is what it is…i hope your person is strong as fuck and not just physically i mean mentally, you’re in your own fucking world, it’s like they may even have to ground you and bring u back down to earth to help u stabilize yourself, let yourself take a break from the fucking overachieving i don’t wanna say it like that but if you keep working yourself hard to the point of no return you’re gonna crash and i feel like u don’t mind bringing others in the mix, it’s like if i go down we all going down lmfao…just breathe, relax, take a minute to go outside and embrace your surroundings even if it’s shitty, there is always something around us that is so small but it puts a smile on your beautiful face. you don’t always have to keep your guards up and yes people may wanna try to come after you but just know you don’t have to do much to fend these weirdos off, they could never really reach ya level. your future lover sees all of this, you stand up for yourself and u show out too, like don’t fucking mess w me is y’all’s vibe, HAHAHAHA FUCK AROUND AND U GON DEF FIND OUT 💀

(this pile took such a turn lmao, it felt so chaotic ahhh, i hope u guys find some time to seriously just CHILL..no worrying about nothing just woosah baby, idk like whatever calms you down do it! rfn haha 😆ugh i wanted to write more but i promised myself to make the piles shorter, but pls lmk if u guys like longer more detailed ones or straight to the point, i mean either way it’s up to me but i wanna hear from you guys 🩵😚)

𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 4- you guys are my leaders, even if you don’t see it this is all about ur future lover and how they see you, you seem to have a very strong head on your shoulders, you guys are so fucking courageous and extremely fast moving again similar to pile 3 but not quite, they’re like the energizer bunnies (i’m sorry to pile 3 that’s not a jab lmao) but you guys are more strategic, the other pile is more so spontaneous, okay if u feel called to it just go for it and head to that pile but you guys my lil babies hahaha, u may not like that, the lil cutesy names, but i mean underneath it all is just a sweet ball of sunshine, you guys like control and your future lover will automatically see it, it’s like you guys may not like to see things out of place, no matter what it is, like you need a schedule, you can’t just free ball it, you guys are like methodical and you’re not giving up without a fight, you’ve come so far and for some random ass weirdo to just come on in and try and undermine you is a very wrong chess move, you’re ten steps ahead bitch, i feel like you know more than you let on, like yes you may be cool calm and collected but oh do your words have people either checking themself or they’re in a corner crying from what you said, maybe u can be a little blunt with the way you interact with others, but i don’t think it’s coming from such a bad place, that’s just in your nature, you know how to tame your inner demons, the beast within, u can look at your own mess and take accountability, very honest straightforward, cut throat ass person, and your person is digging that shit, they like your dominance and how assertive you are, like the fucking boss, mommy/daddy/authoritative energy!

THANK U FOR FUCKING BEING HERE U AMAZING ASS QUEEN/KING/GOD/GODDESS !!!!

i appreciate you for stopping by and letting me read for you, i have been gone for some time but im back bitch and im here to fucking stay! idk if anyone else has been feeling this weird ass energy of people like not wanting you to succeed or see you doing well, i’ve been feeling that and a mix of my own pent up shit i need to deal with but i hope you liked this reading and if you don’t that’s literally fine babe, just don’t be an asshole about it, if it doesn’t resonate what??? LET IT GOOOOOO ! i have to say that!

these are extremely general readings and they’re meant for entertainment purposes, please don’t take things so seriously and also realize my readings are for people above 18!

[candiid-caniine]

Hey! Long time no see, i know i said id send you a fantasy i thought you'd like but now ive forgotten almost all of it, oop!

Life happened, and uh, i saw that you mentioned your libido being a bit low, which definitely is my case too (im recovering from depression, now that im okay id love to get my FULL libido back, or at least a good percentage of it) do you have any tips on that?

Also any recs of blogs writing in the same vibe as you? (same-ish kinks would be nice but im specifically looking for queer inclusive stuff!) it makes me 10x hornier than the regular video/photo porn!

Hope you're well, you pathetic little thing!

💫

hi friend!! ugh i feel you. sorry i haven't got any advice on regaining ur libido...we just let mine wax and wane as it will, though denial has been a big help in keeping it steady!

i've heard good things abt ginseng and some other herbs. obvs use at your own risk, mind that some herbal treatments can cross-interact with certain medications, remember that pre-packaged supplement pills are often unregulated and may contain toxins, and be aware that some herbal remedies work better on pw certain anatomy than others, and finally that many herbal remedies considered to increase libido are largely untested on trans folx!

finally, sorry it's taken so long to answer this ask...i'm autistic and have been cataloguing lol. i present to you a list of other blog recs under the cut, organized by general vibe! i've tried to primarily include blogs that do their own posts rather than those who primarily reblog :)

note that my headings may provide some context as to what to expect, but you read at your own risk and each blog will typically have its own trigger warnings addressed in the header/pinned. additionally, i've not tagged some of the ppl below because they prefer that "Men DNI" blogs not interact, and idk if "no cis men" qualifies ahah!

all blogs below are queer- and/or trans-inclusive, if not exclusive! there is no detrans/misgendering, at least I don't think - i don't tend to follow those blogs.

hard kinks (blood, knives, etc; includes primarily-cnc blogs):

@puppy-mommy , who also does general t4t kink content, but does state untagged hard kinks!

@visciousest is someone whose blog i scroll when i'm in a Certain Mood ahah,, i won't elaborate

@hell-hound-bites: just. fuck. would drool on his knife blade.

@snuff-fag: its username should give you fair warning as to how wild its content tends to get, so please browse responsibly.

@condor-bait is taking a break right now, and all my love is with him as he takes care of himself. he made me feel so valid and so fuckable as a young trans person learning to love myself in a new way, and i've always been too shy to tell him how much his content meant to me one-on-one (yes, despite its often-extreme themes!), and he deserves as much time as he needs to heal!

@unwillingfvckpuppy for mostly cnc and medical kinks! if you like his style, but not so much their harder content, he also has a more-tame main blog--i just mainly follow/scroll this one!

@vampvictim: top-tier cnc/intox stuff, plus some great knife/bloodplay :)

@cryptidtid is wonderful and holy shit i follow a lot of hard kink blogs lol. incredible

@cnc-pet: i have been following her for a long ass fucking time lol. they post a lot of really good cnc and stories, but you'll also find a lot of aftercare tips and advice on her blog! i really admire blogs who try to balance horny content with best practices

@dollobotomy

general kinky content:

@excessively-queer . just plain old good shit :) there's a good amt of edging and degradation.

@clouded-king was honestly one of my earlier introductions to the queer/t4t kink community on here and how fucking euphoric it can be :) he posts some hard kinks, but generally it's a balance of a lot of different kinks so read his pinned at your leisure!

@ / cottontailx : just good kinky nsft posts :)

@ / digitalpenetration: often specifically t4t which i love!!

@femmelovefemme can step on me :)

@bigothteddies: could not build this section w/o mentioning him :) they had a big influence on my fantasies for a long time!

@hazelj-xoxo: bigtime want her to cuck me. have followed her across multiple blog deletions lol

@transpidered is forever an icon!

@subspaceemo

@writefinch for great stories and text posts

edging and denial, specifically:

@6irlpet is 1 of my go-to hands-down-pants scroll sessions :)

@droolkink is my inspiration!

@flustersluts does exactly what the name implies lol. a good helping of other kink content too :)

@puppycvnt is a 10/10!

@barkwoofbarkwoofbark: we r denial friends imo!!

@strawbrrysub

@blyssful-abyss

@urhighnessbitch is a big fav <3

non-detrans genderplay:

@butchviolence does amazing butch supremacy stuff and i,,, fucking hell. even just seeing their username puts me in a Particular state of mind ahah. they also post hard kinks so be aware as you proceed!

@mtfdomme: i literally just reblogged from her today lol. tbh i want to be their little stupid pupthing. it's not all transfem supremacy undertones/overtones, but that's what i mainly follow her for, plus just general t4t goodness! also, their general personality? and the way she shuts down people who disrespect their boundaries? huge inspiration for me!

@cuntboydestroyer: take me to the animal shelter and neuter me. good lord.

@the-kind-of-dame is the main inspiration for my recent genderplay post lol

@terfbreaking-tgirl (be warned of dykebreaking if that's an issue for you)

@barbarian-lesbian is my other inspiration for the recent genderplay post

@superiorineveryway

weird asf (/complimentary; my favorite type of shit. robots, ND-focused posts, etc):

@specksizedgoddess has introduced me to things i didn't know, like...existed, and that's saying a lot as one of my special interests is kink! never knew how down bad i was to be a tiny buggirl, nor how much i wanted to be someone's stupid little robot... BIG tw tho: there is snuff and gore content here, so proceed with caution if you don't wanna see that!

@sapphling fucked me up real good with some bird!sub bondage posts awhile back lol

@nobelisha: found them through their ghost cnc post so that's why they're in this category ahah! they don't have a pinned so proceed w awareness :)

@devout-cleric: hierophilia/religion kink, and i'm something of an acolyte of hers :) if you've read this far down you may as well know i'm her Little Lamb anon lol

piss/omo:

@latenightomo

@pissheartmybeloved - their URL makes me crack up every time, plus good content!

@hold-it-a-little-longer - good scenarios/imagines!

@ohmyrashi - (i think) my original intro to omo!

monsterfucking/terato:

@septimus-moonlight was my first real introduction to trans-positive terato and i've never settled for half-fun cis-oriented terato ever since :) mind tags!

@eggedbellies as well!

@bredpun doesn't appear to be active lately but still good for a scroll!

@steamandcream

@of-mutts-and-men

[decolonize-the-everything]

What is there left to learn?

All you need to know of any good branch of leftism is that self determination and freedom is above everything.

We stand against so much because so much has been created to get in the way of that.

Money often gets in the way by imposing literal pay walls to basic needs so we oppose it. Racism gets in the way when racist gatekeepers prevent POC from receiving equal care, equal service, and equal access to resources so we oppose it. The same goes for all the other -isms and bigotries such as misogyny and homophobia.

Human beings come in all shapes, sizes, colors, sexualities, and genders. We are beautifully diverse this way, it's literally human nature.

And so we must learn to live and accept people different from ourselves.

Nobody has more rights or humanity than anyone else. Nobody has the right to enforce their own determinations and truths on anyone else. There is no singular way of being that is Right or makes you more deserving than the rest, that gives you the right to control others because it's just such a Good way of living. There never will be.

There is no natural way to determine what a good, deserving human looks like. And that's why leftism supports and hears all oppressed people.

Every single excuse and method that attempts to control/feel superior are all social constructs. Ex:

You're rich, fiscally responsible and think you're better than others? Money isn't natural, it's barely even real. It's something that some human made up one day to feel better than the others. It may as well be called pixie dust. And without it you're just like the rest of us.

Being White didn't mean anything before some human decided they could gain self esteem by reducing the perceived worthiness of Black and Brown ppl. Without made-up ideas of race you're just like the rest of us, made of the same hunger and thirst and love as we are.

Cis and Trans or Gay and straight are just different ways for humans to be born and exist. Some people like their bodies, some don't. Some people kiss the same sex, some dont. You aren't superior for being cis or only kissing one sex. You won't get a trophy for denying the kind of human you are or for making others feel bad about the kind of human they are either.

There is no natural test for superiority in humans because human superiority is unnatural. For any of us.

The only measure of being Better than others was how much better you were at being a community member; how much you contributed to the betterment of your peers. You didn't brag about being white, you bragged about how you killed so many deer that your people certainly will Not be starving.

We were born to share this planet and our only ACTUAL job is to take care of each other and the planet in whatever way we can. It's the only thing we've ever owed each other.

Racism, ableism, colonization, capitalism, white supremacy, genocide, Nazis, Zionists, etc.

These are not concepts that deserve to be kept alive. Anything that makes you hate someone else or makes you feel more Worthy than someone else has no place in the future.

I say all this because I feel like I'm beating a dead horse on this blog so often. I really do try to stay educational and focus on solidarity. But there's only so much that words can do without action.

And words without action are as good as dust in the wind.

I love this blog, but I'm long over this. We need to act. There is a genocide happening and I'm starting to believe that everyone who wants to stop it Already knows about it. They do not need awareness. They don't need voices. They need direction. They need community. They need support and bodies to help intimidate police.

They need us.

And instead I blog on Tumblr trying to rally people that hardly reblog a call to action.

This blog is starting to feel like a symptom of the system. A time-consuming distraction for me. And a way for you to placate yourselves while the world gets worse.

Just following leftists doesn't make you a good person. Having the Right opinions doesn't make you a good person. Even believing in equality doesn't make you a good person if you don't do something about it.

I'm tired of begging for people to organize and protest and show up for each other.

I'm convinced that if you ever had the intention of doing so then you already are. And if you're not then that's a choice you've made.

You either support genocide or you fight it, you know?

I don't know what else there is to learn or say. What are you waiting for? An invitation?

Please go fucking organize and join a protest.

In other news....I am getting closer to deleting this blog every day.

[tkaulitzlvr]

WE NEEEED A PART 2 OF ANSWER IT !!! 🙏🙏 you don’t have to if you don’t want to but i just NEED to know what happens after ! anyways i love your writings!

ANSWER IT (2) - T. KAULITZ

synopsis: after things with your boyfriend end unexpectedly - thanks to no one but you, tom makes a confession that you never could have been prepared for.

content: angst & fluff

a/n: so many ppl have been BEGGING for a pt2 to answer it and honestly i never planned on writing one but here u go i guess!!😭 also random but this clip makes me go feral so had to use it for the gif🙏

my chest rises up and down, completely breathless as tom collapses on top of me, lips lazily pressing to my collarbone. our bodies stick together, sweat glistening against them, the smell of sex circling around the room as our heavy breathing mixes with it. he pulls out of me, a low whine leaving my lips at the loss of contact. his calloused hands run up and down my waist, unspoken words left unsaid as we lay within each other’s embrace, coming down from some of the best sex we have ever had.

“so fucking good.” he mutters against me as his head rests in my neck, a lazy smile on his face.

but, unlike every other time we had fucked, i no longer share the same sense of hazy happiness, lethargic bliss that i usually would, the reality of the situation soon coming to light, a sickly feeling of guilt rising from the pit of my stomach as i realise what i have done - my boyfriend has just caught me cheating on him.

though i completely deserved this, to feel so ashamed, so completely devastated, after all, i was the one to blame, it didn’t at all ease my pain. strangely, i didn’t regret fucking tom the way i had been these past months, i just longed to erase the phone call, wishing that it had never happened as i stare blankly at the ceiling, my eyes welling up with long-awaited tears whilst tom absentmindedly lays with his body on mine, lips placing tired kisses on my bare skin.

“so fucking glad you finally got rid of that guy.” he mutters, gently nibbling at the skin below my ear, pulling at my waist and moving his crotch to grind it against me, his small movements making me realise exactly what he wants. “he was such an ass, didn’t deserve to have you all to his self, didn’t treat you the way you should’ve been, such a fucking cunt.”

my whole body tenses up at the mention of him, eyes no longer able to hold the tears back as they fall down my cheeks. i am frozen in place, unable to move, beating myself up for literally everything, hating how tom can be so nonchalant about it - he had always been aware that i wanted this to be strictly kept a secret. and i cannot help but blame him. he was the one to pick up the phone, to make me answer it, and ultimately blow my cover.

my body begins to shake as i silently sob, tom’s head lifting up from my shoulder in confusion. his eyebrows furrow, clearly not understanding why i am upset, totally oblivious to this whole thing, not able to see where he fucked up.

“woah woah, what’s going on?” he asks, sitting up and resting his back against the head board, quickly scooping me into his lap as he holds me, hands running down to my lower back in an attempt to comfort me.

my sadness soon mixes with anger, utterly despising tom in this moment as i roughly escape his hold, pushing my arms flush against his chest, finally getting out from his grasp. i clench my jaw, shaking my head as the tears continue to fall, angrily slipping my panties and bra on.

“hey, what’s up? talk to me, what happened?” tom frantically asks, getting up from the bed and slipping his boxers on, rushing over to me and trying to place his hands in mine.

“what happened? what fucking happened?” i scoff, shaking my head at his stupidity, in complete disbelief of how someone can be so naive.

his eyes search mine, genuinely not understanding where any of this has come from. he nears me once again, but i take a step back, not wanting to be anywhere near him right now, taking his silence as an opportunity to carry on with my fit of rage.

“what happened is you made my boyfriend break up with me, and you don’t even care!” my voice is raised, just below a shout as his eyebrows furrow, expression now mirroring my rage, as he opens his mouth, ready to lash out on me as i had on him.

“i made him break up with you? are you fucking insane?” he lets out a frustrated laugh, tongue playing with his lip ring as he steps back.

“you answered the phone! i don’t know what shit you were trying to fucking pull, but this is your fault, don’t make me out to be the crazy one!” i shoot back, digging a finger into his chest as i point at him, done with his attempts to manipulate this entire situation.

“you’ve been cheating on him for the past three months! since when do you give a fuck about his feelings or your relationship? it couldn’t have been that fucking great if you felt the need to fuck me on the daily!” each word that falls from his lips pierce me in the chest, completely taken aback at his nerve. the second that my face falls, mouth opening with no sound coming from it, he knows that he has gone too far.

“wow.” i scoff, searching the room for the rest of my clothes. “that’s fucking low.”

“is it? ‘cause the last time i checked, you don’t fuck someone else whilst you’re in a relationship unless it’s gone to shit. stop acting like i’ve ruined something that actually mattered to you, like you had a perfect relationship. it takes two people to fuck, you’re no fucking saint.” he keeps going, knowing that he is getting to me, aware of the right buttons to press - and he is hitting every single one, scoffing when he sees my face fall, tears falling at a much faster pace.

i struggle to find the right words, stuck in place as i know that he is right. though he said it in the harshest way possible, i am no better than him, if anything, i am worse, tom not in a relationship like i was. and it is that realisation that kills me slowly, twisting the blade inside me as i stand silently, tears now cascading down my cheeks.

“thanks. if you were looking to make me feel worse than i already do then you’ve done a pretty good fucking job.” my voice is low as i refuse to meet his eyes, completely ashamed. i slip my hoodie over my frame, redressing myself as i begin to feel uncomfortable in such little clothing in front of him, the confidence that would usually surround me long gone.

his face softens once i walk towards the door, panic setting in as he rushes to stand in front of it, blocking my exit.

“fuck- i didn’t mean it like that. don’t go.” he pleads, his eyes sorry as they look into mine, searching for any hint that his subtle begging is working.

“why should i stay? so you can ridicule me even more? tell me how much of a slut i am? that i should feel guilty, and it’s all my fault?” i scoff, listing off the endless scenarios.

“why would i do that?” he asks, his voice now softer, the anger that previously dominated it long gone as he seems somewhat sorry for me.

i stay silent, partly intrigued to hear him continue, however also knowing that my tears are preventing me from producing coherent speech. he takes a step towards me, hand lightly brushing against mine as he takes a deep breath, opening his mouth to speak.

“wanna know why i hated him so much?” he asks.

the question had always lingered in the back of my mind. i knew, from the way tom’s face twisted in disgust the first time i told him i had a boyfriend, that he despised him, his hatred only growing each time i would mention him. he never said why, instead using his name to fuel his own desire, never failing to remind me that he could never fuck me that way tom would, always slipping his name into the conversation as some reminder that what i had with tom was far better than anything i had going on with my boyfriend.

i look upwards, my eyes meeting his, my gaze a silent nod of agreement to his question.

“i couldn’t stand the thought of him touching you, being around you, knowing that you belonged to him and not me. drove me fucking insane. i loved that i got to see a side of you he never did, i loved seeing you underneath me, because i knew that that was the only time you belonged to me.”

my eyebrows furrow, trying to understand what he is saying, confused on how it has taken this long for him to say all of this.

“i like you. since that night when we hooked up at the club, i couldn’t stop thinking about you. i tried, but somehow everything came back to you. and it killed me knowing that all i could do was fuck you, knowing that you’d never feel the same way, because of him. and i hated him for it, i still do, because all i could think about is you being in love with someone else, wishing just for one second you’d care about me the way you do him.”

he pours his heart out, lips staying parted once he finishes, trying to make out my thoughts from my facial expression. i give him nothing, only able to stand there in pure shock, not ever anticipating anything like this, especially from someone like tom. i knew his reputation, and i knew that i wasn’t the only girl he was fucking, but it had never mattered for me. it was wrong for me to be doing this with him in the first place - catching feelings would be on a whole new wavelength of immoral.

“say something, please.” he mutters, his voice desperate as my silence only lets his words linger, the atmosphere turning from tense to uneasy.

it may be rash, and admittedly, my mind is hazy from the entire situation, yet in this moment, i don’t care, and it is this impulse that brings me to press my lips against his, arms wrapping around his neck as i pull him closer. he quickly kisses back, hands running to my lower back as he smiles into it, something about his lips against mine igniting a spark that i had never felt before, and though it was wrong, it felt so right - it always had.

against all odds, against everything that was deemed morally correct, i need him, and though it took his unexpected confession for me to realise it, i am more sure than ever, holding onto him tighter and tighter as he does the same, pulling away and smiling against me.

“i hate how crazy you make me.” he mutters against my lips, his cold breath fanning against them. “but i don’t want it to stop.”

those are the final words he says before reconnecting our lips, carrying the unspoken promise that he means every part of it, the missing piece within me now found, finally realising that what i needed had been right in front of me the whole time.

requests are open! keep sending them in!!

[im-just-an-angel]

one of the most sick things i have realized in the ppl around me who are still catholic, is how much they are plagued with catholic guilt. a girl who won't get surgery bc she believes its punishment for her sins. ppl who are nearly suicidal in their desire for heaven, and since heaven is coming, they do nothing to change their situation. they dont try to improve their lives or others or the planet bc at the end of the day this is a "fallen world" and "heaven is waiting." it is so sick to drill into a persons head since theyre a child that they were born evil, that they need god to fix them, they need god to sustain them, as if it wont affect their mental state at all as adults. my little cousins who have already shown signs of having anxiety about god, like asking if he'll be mad at them/their parents for doing normal, human things. like really being afraid of what that would mean. my opinion and love for this world and its people shifted sp drastically when i realized i could just stop. i could stop being afraid of god. i could stop thinking we all deserved to burn in a lake of eternal fire. who even makes a lake of eternal fire anyway? that very much does not sound like a me problem. when i left the church, i very much still believed in hell, and i very much believed it was a place i would go, and would deserve to go. but i chose it anyway. i chose the eternal torture, because who does a thing like eternal torture? if god would torture me forever, than that wasn't someone i wanted to associate with, consequences be damned. and slowly, i started to see the world differently. i know the world is on fire, and theres a few too many genocides occuring at the moment, and i do truly have it in me to detest forever the people who hurt innocent people. but still, desite it all, despite everything, i think we're good. yes, we do bad things, but at the end of the day, most of us just want to go home, and cuddle our pets/loved ones, and eat a good meal, and look at the stars and dream. we're not so different, and we're not so bad. idk where i was going with all this exactly, but i think the cure to catholic guilt is choosing to believe in the good. catholism says goodness can only come from god, and thats why were damned. but i think we *are* good. even despite all the reasons ppl give me on the contrary. bc i see ppl wish happy holidays to strangers, holidays they dont celebrate themselves, just to see them happy. i see strangers go out of there way to help people every single day. bc most of us understand that we all just want the same things, and are willing to help each other get them. we arent evil, and bad things arent some divine punishment, sometimes things just suck. the cure to catholic guilt, i think, is a love that can outcompete the divine.

[solar-sunnyside-up]

I totally forgot about this until just now but over the summer I had wandered into a community event on my way home, and went to the public transit tent they had set up to promote the new project in the area and answer questions. I was looking for the Green party tent (all the other political parties where there, where the hell where they??)

But so I hang out at the tent, ask a few questions, show my excitement, etc.. and they have this "spin the wheel for a prize" game. Ranging from stickers to a bus pass. I was wanting a sticker bc the design was super cool and I'm a nerd. I wasn't optimistic enough to expect the bus pass.

>>I spin, I get the bus pass.

And the power I felt getting this prize?? I had already gotten my pass for the month. This was a spare one. The possibilities of who to give it to where endless and would legit alter someone I knew entire month.

>> Do I give it to the next person who asks me for change? Going from hoping tinget enough change to get enough for fare or something to eat and to be suddenly given this pass? The freedom from harassment of the transit police, the ability to get to all the free meal events that are all over the city but all are just awkward enough its an hour walk there. Actually get use the food bank and take more than a backpack or 2 of stuff for the month bc you have to carry it all yourself. To be able to visit a park, a library, To have the world open up without using all your energy getting there? How much would this bus pass alter their entire month? Who am I to now deny someone that freedom?

>>Do I give it as a gift to a coworker? Someone who doesn't go out or do anything other than work and rest at home bc it's too expensive for her to buy a pass bc she lives JUST close enough to work for walking to be a better option. Counting her bus tickets everytime she wants to go to the library, to see a friend/family member, to visit a park that's nearby, hang out downtown. Every outting you have to justify. Suddenly having just 1 month of freedom would help her mental health so much. She would have so much fun for the first time in ages! She could be a person in public, she could have fun without worry or need to justify. She's my friend. Who am I to not give it to her?

>>Do I sell it off to someone to get a grocery top up? To have a second of breathing room between paychecks? If I'm short on a bill this month I'll be kicking myself for not doing the survivalist thing to do.

It was a whole crisis.

In the end while I was having this crisis my roommate took it, so she could look for jobs and do a bunch of interviews without worrying about how to get there.

And it hits me as particularly horrific that so many ppls lives would be so positively altered by this single bus pass from a silly contest at a community event. How lucky was I to have this option? And alteranticely how so many ppls lives would open up and improve by simple access to a public service that they should have free access to not being held hostage by. And that's just the ppl I know who would benefit from monetary access to the system much less the good having physical accessibility added to it.

The for profit transit system is horrifying. This is meant to be a public feature, and yet the accessibility to actually use it is so limited. we deserve so much better.

[sans-guy]

(explosion) butch info masterpost (explosion) I’ve been asked a few things a couple of times and i just wanna lay some stuff out about butch that doesn’t get asked just so u guys know. i'll update as needed (if i can remember) <3

I can’t say everything because sooner or later I want to create some kind of comic or fic, but can’t right now cus my brain sucks and i'm pretty busy irl

Here is his updated ref sheet How old: 30-ish How tall: 6'8"

He kills people???!?!?!? D: Yes. only people that really deserve it, he's not a mindless killer. Even though he's a butcher, killing isn't something he enjoys doing.

AND HE EATS THEM??! D: No. but he sells the meat to monsters that do, in an effort to get rid of evidence. he's not friendly with the monsters he does business with, and he does not sell to humans. The selling of human meat is a drug trade of sorts; and it is by no means an easy business to get out of.

lore and loreposts; -He needs glasses -How he lost his fingers

-He isn't too fond of humans.

-despite everything, he is goofy.

-extra info about relationships/"clients".

-he is not too socially inept, but prefers to keep to himself and not say too much, just the way he was raised. -he is a workaholic, preferring to stay either busy or asleep, despite occasionally getting sick from all the stress he's under.

-he is technologically illiterate, hates newer technology, but will still use a landline (for his friends or for work) and the library computers with help (to check emails cus the modern age is horrible and requires you to have an email) -he is very slow to make friends, but when he does, theyre very good friends, going as far to consider them his family. -he LOVES knives, and has a collection of unique knives (culinary/pocket knives/hunting knives etc) he's found or obtained from flea markets.

-because of the state of his right hand, he's technically ambidextrous, since he's had enough time to learn how to use his other hand, but still writes better with his right hand. he could use ecto fingers if he really wanted to, but he doesn't care either way.

-he lost a tooth rough housing with his brothers when he was younger (he has many siblings ((and his older brothers picked on him becus thats what loving siblings do <3 )) )

-his arms and hands are riddled with scars and cuts because thats what a lifetime of physical labor and 10 years working with sharp objects will do to u

-the gloves he wears are cutting gloves here's some fluffy small character stuff for him ive thought about, i'll update this list when i . remember what i posted lovers/trust/friendship can i draw butch (or any of your characters)??

can i draw butch kissing me/my insert?

i'm ok with most fanart, I love everything everyone makes of my guys!! but if ur not sure if i'll be comfortable with it, please just shoot me a message. i dont bite i promise *bats eyelashes* also its a given but no fanart or ships can be inserted into the canon sorry

edit; pls pls check out the #fanart tag, so many beautiful ppl have drawn/written so many beautiful things of my boy and they must be seen

[ace-in-a-very-distressing-hole]

TMAGP 23 SPOILERS

ALSO MAG 200 SPOILERS

This is my live reaction:

lena kelley I love you

SAM YOU HAVE AUTISM

piece??

sounds like they’re talking about becoming avatars ngl

WHAT DO YOU MEAN KEEP IT WARM

PROPERLY BONDED??

pov: you replace your husband with a piece of coral and the piece of coral is better in bed

SCALPEL?? SURGICAL EQUIPMENT?? euurgghh

UNDER THE SKIN??

oo we got that desires theme coming up

is there ANY WAY to abort these polyps?? please I’m begging you this is gonna be horrific

honestly it’s giving jane prentiss

ok so these ppl are literally COACHING THEM through it??

this is grossing me out so bad

HUMIDIFIERS??

SHUT CURTAINS??

what is going on

YOU HEARD IT?? OMFG THATS AWFUL

EEURRRGRH

THE SKIN BROKE

EWWWWW

when your arms start to go??

EYES?? yeah I’ve listened to TMA, I know that’s never good

unzip is such a viscerally uncomfortable word to describe skin opening ngl

we love to see the acceptance of transgender horrors changing their names

YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY BE SCARED

wet with mould???

this reminds me of episode 2

SKULL PULLS APART??

of course something is bloody wrong with her

hey guys I think they need help

also the moderators are CLEARLY trying to make sure other people don’t find out that it went badly

I have so many questions

CELIA STOP MANIPULATING HIM OMFG

[looks at a couple] sooo, which one of you dies of a cycling accident and which one dies of a heart problem?

I mean it’s fair to assume that Jon did in fact die of a heart thing considering he was, y’know, fatally stabbed

BASIRA OMFG

⁠LEAVE BASIRA ALONE SHE DESERVES A NORMAL LIFE

HELEN

nooo don’t talk to helen, she’s a tory

oh gods gwen my poor girl

oh no she’s crying

aaaaa that’s so sad

typical alice

literally the most alice mug ever

this is rlly saying dyhard rights

OMG SHES ACTUALLY CONFESSING TO ALICE

AND ALICE IS TAKING HER SERIOUSLY

ooo gwen is bitter, we love to see it

alice being cynical about her boss gives me life

mmmmm yes eyes and tape recorder

ALICE KNOWS TAPE RECORDERS ARE DANGEROUS

of course you’re in danger alice, glad you finally admitted it

oh god

chills. literal chills.

and THAT’S another fucking cliffhanger

alice my darling, I am Concerned

[the-s1lly-corner]

hey, may i request hcs of laughing jack + slenderman x nonbinary, afab!reader who gets misgendered/bullied a lot but is too scared to correct/stand up to ppl? happens to me a lot :[

laughing jack and slenderman x afab!nonbinary!reader

im so so sorry you keep getting treated like dookie- as a fellow afab nb i totally get your pain with the misgendering, people just need to hush up

notes: reader is afab and nonbinary, established relationships, both canon characters have limited knowledge of lgbt topics but thats mostly because they hardly interact with people or media

cws: transphobia, canon typical violence, mentions of stalking

laughing jack

doesnt get to interact with many people much, so hes a little limited on his knowledge- and given that he originally started existing in the Victorian era? hoo boy- hes not transphobic or otherwise lgbtphobic but there is some ignorance

can see himself as using some labels once he gets more educated on it, though! always headcanoned laughing jack to be gnc!

tries to help you appear more androgynous or masculine if thats what you want! he doesnt mind playing dress up with you, and hes definitely going to take it as a moment to turn it into a game and try to cheer you up!

openly mocks the people who bully you, as well as outright saying that theyre just a bunch of jerks who... dont deserve nice things to head their way.. to keep the description vague

similar to slenderman, hes going to go out and get some vengeance if things get ugly enough

he doesnt like going out without you, hes a bit clingy.. but the sight of you being so distraught really makes his insides coil like snakes.. does not like it at all

even tries to push for you to carry him around in his box so he can just jump and slash anyone who says anything- though thats not a very good idea... would give him away quickly

slenderman

he doesnt understand much about gender, and honestly? i can easily see him being agender, or maybe gender apathetic simply due to him not showing interest in his own identity. he rarely wants to be perceived anyway

despite not knowing much about it and not caring how others see him, he can understand just a little bit on why it matters to you- especially when youre seen as something youre not and harassed for it

rest assured that if he ever finds out someone is harassing you, he will silent them quickly. out right offing them or stalking them over a period of time, the result will end in you having one less person on your back... then two.. then three.. and so on

actually the fact that people seem to either go missing or skip town not long after messing with you makes many keep their mouths shut- and before you even think that might prompt someone to harm you under the guise that its YOU doing it, slenderman isnt going to let that happen

he listens to you if you need to talk about your feelings on it, hes unsure of how to verbally help you affirm your gender identity but if you outright ask him how he views you; he tells you that you pass in his eyes regardless of if you present more femininely, masculine, or androgynously.. though that may be because of his aforementioned limited knowledge on the topic... hes supportive nonetheless!

[jellyaibo]

got to ramble abt loser to someone last nite right and its always a nice lil refresh for me explaining what actually happens in the show AND MAN its so funny how people are so willing to call loser a jerk or think shes evil bc of the things she did and like ok whatever but did we forget abt all the shit this thang had to go thru like ?!?!?!?

getting eliminated with the most votes so far, isolation in the jawbreaker (which ik tghis isnt a serious deal in the show, DONT GET ME WRONG I LOVE ANGST ABT THIS CUZ IM NORMAL) like ofc getting eliminated isnt enough get into the sensory deprivation chamber SADFJKSHDFKHSDF LIKE !

also imsorry this cunt has ptsd HEHAHHAA WE SEE HER GET A FLASHBACK IN EP 4 THATS JUST NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN (the paper mache incident)

and like. man it adds layers BC AS U CAN SEE LOSER NEVER ALWAYS HAD IT SO GOOD???? so like OF COURSE when him & winner get popular loser relishes in it. BC ITS DESERVED? LOL? WOULDNT U BE ECSTATIC IF U AND UR BUDDY GOT POPULAR AFTER YEARS OF NOTHANG? ITS HUGE!

and yeah ! her up n' leaving winner wasnt the best but you srsly gotta keep in mind this is losers dream . to her winner just didnt want to support him anymore AND U COULD SEE LOSER WAS CLEARLY UPSET ! hes ALSO losing a good friend too !!

butohmy god im getting off tangent just. you know . loser has gone thru some shit and its funny how many ppl i see just dont talk about it !! AND LIKE !! ON TOP OF THIS LOSER IS STILL NICE !! IDC !! loser has always been helping people n doing her best . and even tho her fans keep flip flopping (shoutouts to cake) she still keeps her chin up

PLUS having all these fans adds another thing: expectations, expectations, THE HIGHEST OF ALL! bc loser is soo popular, everyone sees him as perfect and strong WHEN LIKE WE SEE LOSER IS A HELPER AND A NICE GUY YES but at the end of the day ! shes a guy ! (thinks really hard abt cake n eggy arguing then it just cutting to loser craving nuggets . see maybe this is just me looking too deep into it but it shows the contrast of how the fans feel abt her vs how loser rlly is . just a kinda quiet?? guy that likes helping ppl)

this shows even more in post split when loser has a #normal moment over "a fan doubting her" YOU CAN SEE HOW IT AFFECTS HIM BC EVERYONE HAS SUCH HUGE EXPECTATIONS AND . as u could see ANY ONE MISTAKE WILL LEAVE LOSER ALL ALONE AGAIN ! OFC SHE WILL PANIC INTERNALLY SKFHDKSDFH

and idk where to put this but taco calls him "cuboid" and like see itsounded so derogatory when she says it GAJHAHAHAHA ITS LIKE??? not object slursIM NOT SAYING THAT ITS JUST SO FUNNY TO ME . IT SOUNDS LIKE A DEROGATORY TERM MAN ITS LIKE GETTING CALLED uhhhhhhhhhok other than the f slur i cant think of anything its like shes being called a faggot ok whatever I NEED TO STOP TYPING

[butch-reidentified]

hell I’m so sorry for the shit you’re getting! You’re not doing anything even vaguely anti-feminist yet you’re getting more hate than christian radfems…? You deserve better. When will people begin giving you the benefit of the doubt after all you’ve done?

Have a good day/night!

girl I'm this close to leaving radblr. but thank you fr. it means a lot. I'm just pissed off and disgusted.

"after all you've done" is so real. I really truly doubt even 1% on here do a fraction of what I've done & do irl (badically full time) for women & girls. plenty of it's been posted here and that's a tiny fraction of the total. I would LOVE to know what & how much actual direct irl action those women are doing t b h

and dozens of women & girls have reached out to me about how much this blog has helped them in so many ways.

yeah they're really doing great things for female liberation by... tryna bully radfems for enjoying (usually feminist) witchcraft/spirituality/whatever??? lying that we're tryna get ppl to """convert""" and claiming we believe shit we dont. satanic panic ass behavior fr

I make time for this blog bc I care deeply for the women & girls who tell me it helps them. I'm working on big shit irl and I have stayed here for years to make sure the unique aspects of this blog continued to exist, to hold space for those in need. but this is ridiculous. I deserve better than the treatment that post got. like fr I do. so do the other women on here who get that treatment.

yall wanna fuckin bully women for liking witchcraft and call yourselves radical feminists? ironic. you shouldn't be here.

[itsjaywalkers]

Ok I’m curious af so rank your jegulus’s from most kinky to least kinky. If you would like to include examples they are more than welcome but not necessary.

Thank you for your time,

Kink Nonnie

THIS ONE IS SOOOO FUN i'm always down to talk about kink especially if it's related to jeggy <333 and since most of my wips haven't been posted yet i don't wanna give too many examples bc . spoilers . but i can share a few things ofc!! here we go <3

boxer au jeggy. god they're always at the top this is starting to get emabrrassing but it's true !! it's my filthiest james without a doubt and reg is also quite the menace in this one. we're talking exhibitionism vouyeurism edging overstimulation dom/sub dynamics spanking slapping etc etc. james gets aggressive and possessive and reg turns into putty in his hands BUT they also switch and reg absolutely fucks the cockiness out of james until he's a crying writhing mess. but yeah they have no shame and they'd try everything under the sun. also if one of my jeggys had a pissing kink, it'd be them 100%

feeling good jeggy. new entrance!! the 2nd place used to belong to oby BUT i've been . outlining a bit more of this fic and had a few realisations. we're talking corruption kink virginity kink spit kink a bit of exhibitionism and possibly some cnc too!! this james may not be as filthy (sexually wise) as boxer au james buuuuuut he's meaner and a shittier person and he's only here to seduce regulus and steal all his money (at first) so he pulls all the stops <3 they're quite wild and this reg begins as my most "innocent" inexperienced one and ends up becoming . well . something else entirely

oby jeggy. my beloveds <3 we already know most of their kinks by heart, and even though all of my james have some level of oral fixation, oby james wins!! he can come just by eating reg out and he's happy whenever he gets him to sit on his face. they almost never do it in a bed like normal people, or even in either of their flats. the riskier the place, the better, and they're gonna end up traumatising someone at this rate. also <3 kings of the daddy kink <3 i think fucked up road trip jeggy have it too, and probably also boxer au jeggy but they're the blueprint!! especially bc it wasn't even planned in the first place

nothing happens jeggy. they used to be a bit lower but i've realised a few things about them too lately.. their dirty talking goes HARD because nh james needs urgent psychological help (reg too tbh) and he gets very cruel and degrading sometimes. they also have a severe breeding kink and . kinda a cheating kink like . it doesn't start that way but at a certain point i think they find it very hot, the fact that the other is always gonna cheat for them!! or at least reg does, bc we all know james takes a while to realise what he's been doing it's actual cheating. there's also a scene in which james forces reg to call his bf at the time while he's fucking him................... Yeah

fucked up road trip fic jeggy. they're quite kinky but since they're in a life or death situation and surrounded by quite a few ppl and getting some time alone is very difficult . they can never get as kinky as they could in different circumstances yk? they do have a daddy kink and there's quite the age gap!! also the fact that james is married and his son is only like . 5 years younger than reg . which is definitely Something . also the desperation whenever they fuck is at a whole other level bc they come close to dying a few times (and they might actually die at the end of the story.......... i'm still debating it tbh). and also they make out/have actual sex in very vulnerable moments or after someone else has been killed or tortured which is lowkey questionable so

making ghosts jeggy. again at the end </3 my poor babies they deserve better.. nah but seriously this place is mostly due to the fact that it’s my softest story and not as explicit or sex heavy as some of my other stories!! this is my most submissive james without a doubt tho and there’s a lot of begging and teasing and trying to keep quiet when they fuck behind closed door bc they keep their relationship secret for . a While . there’s this scene of sirius talking to james through his bedroom door and very confused bc james won’t let him in while reg is sucking james off on the other side.. so yeah very kinky still <3

[lesbixch]

i was reading someones post on sayaka here and i generally agreed w it but i wanted to write my own thoughts on sayaka, reading her as a young girl who... fundamentally hates herself. like i think ppl dont notice that she doesnt like herself in the beginning of the story and they think it comes out of nowhere. but her self hate motivates literally everything she does in pmmm. i think people miss that the cause effect structure here, thinking that sayaka does things and that makes her hate herself. to me it is more that sayaka hates herself, therefore she does things to punish herself, to self harm, to self sabotage, and occasionally scrambles to do something for other people to try to drown out that self hate - which of course rarely works. not very coherent, but heres 5 points under the cut

discussion of suicide self harm and depression tw

1. in the background of pmmm, sayaka has known kyosuke since they were little. presumably she started liking him bc he was good at violin and she.... probably wasnt. she was kinda sorta friends w him but not really, and pmmm (and hitomi) make it very clear that she has struggled w confessing to him. this already hints at her not having high self esteem. when she tries to make him feel better after his accident, she brings him CDs to listen to in the hospital. im reading into it but i genuinely dont think sayaka thinks of herself as interesting enough to just TALK to kyousuke while hes there. she NEEDS another thing to take the attention off her - music - to even interact w him. she doesnt think that her presence, her being there as a FRIEND is going to cheer him up all that much. like she brings up music as a conversational topic and physically brings CDs for kyousuke to listen to enough times that HE starts interpreting it as some kind of cruel joke shes playing on him. this to me is a sign that she does not like herself, and she doesnt understand why other ppl would like her as a person either, unless she was doing something for them.

(theres also smth to be said abt how much of her crush on kyosuke is bc she likes HIM as a person, rather than his talent, or after his accident, the idea that she can help him and feel useful herself. in some sense she tries to use him to feel valued and not hate herself. it doesnt work)

the important part here is that theres already signs that sayaka doesnt like herself, she doesnt have much self esteem, and she attempts to boost her self esteem by doing things for other people.

2. so sayaka doesnt really like herself. in the early eps, she talks about how unfair it is that people like her have a safe life and are offered a wish while many others struggle without having the same opportunity. extrapolating here, you can make the argument that sayaka doesnt like herself and doesnt think herself deserving of the happy safe life that others want so much. to be offered a wish on top of it feels like yet another thing to hate abt herself. she doesnt deserve a wish! she has not suffered enough to get a wish! shes guilty over it! shes safe, shes well fed, she has a roof over her head, and her self hate warps her mindset in such a way that she thinks of being offered a wish not as a happy fortunate event, but as something that reveals that she is stupid. she quite literally frames her caution around making a wish as being stupid and naive.....

there isnt really the language about 'deserving' in this scene, thats me reading into this a lot, but i do think later eps fit the same general theme. sayaka is a hero of justice fighting witches to save other people, but do other people deserve to be saved? (cough cough ep8 train scene). does she deserve to be saved? does she deserve to have a happy life? does she deserve to try a relationship with kyousuke? does she deserve to have madoka as a friend? does she deserve to be treated with kindness/pity by kyoko? i'd argue that the wish conversation in ep2 sets up these series of questions about what sayaka deserves pretty well. this scene, this early on, tells us that sayaka already feels guilt at being safe and okay. why should she be happy or safe when other people suffer. it just takes a little more self hate to push her into "i dont actually deserve to be happy or safe", which drives her self harm self hate spiral later.

3. sayakas attempts desperately to feel better abt herself by doing things for other people. early on she takes on the role of madokas protector, driving homura away with the fire extinguisher and promising to beat homura up - mami laughs and is like Anyway if something happens ill be there to protect you, which sayaka gets upset at. its played for laughs, and yet, if we take seriously the way that sayaka builds her self esteem up as a protector (of madoka, of kyosuke, of the people, of justice), it does smart a little. of course sayaka would be inclined to become a magical girl if it means she can protect others, which mami implies she cannot quite do as a regular girl. later sayaka wants to help mami - she brings a bat to a witch fight - and fails to help mami in any way in ep3. her helplessness, her guilt, her self hate all factor into her decision to become a magical girl. only then can she truly protect people right? only then will she be actually worth something, will she deserve to be alive?

now that ive argued my point that theres seeds planted early on that sayaka doesnt like herself, doesnt have self esteem, thinks of herself as worthless if she doesnt do things for others - it casts all her later actions as self sabotaging and self harming, and purposefully so, even if sayaka may not call it that. she takes the actions she takes bc she doesnt like herself, and it fuels her self hate, and she spirals into more and more self destructive actions in turn.

4. sayaka is weak as a magical girl - kyoko shows her that - and she is no longer needed by kyousuke, so her attempts at helping and protecting people fail to make her feel better. if shes weak, she cant protect people, and thus shes worthless. if she wishes for kyousuke to be healed, and he doesnt know, he wont thank her, and he wont like her, and he wont need her since the healing is already done. because sayaka fundamentally hates herself and thinks herself worthless, one act done to help someone isnt nearly enough to make her love or even value herself. especially when she can never be recognized for it.

(hitomi fits in here too - she will never know sayaka outright saved her in ep4, and sayaka will never get recognition or gratitude for it. instead, from sayakas POV, hitomi will basically betray her for it)

and heres where the spiraling/cyclical hate kicks in. she hates herself, so she thinks it selfish and horrible to ask for recognition/gratitude/being liked back in turn. but because she hates herself, she needs external recognition, gratitude, being liked back in turn to feel better about herself, to not feel worthless. she hates herself, so she doesnt talk to kyousuke at all (she doesnt deserve it), but not getting his attention, recognition, gratitude, kindness etc also makes her hate herself. she cant win, bc she cannot let herself win.

when hitomi brings up kyousuke, sayaka feels a burst of regret for saving her, and it fuels her self hate yet again - magical girls cant wish death on people!! she cant accept hitomis compromise to allow sayaka to confess first, bc she is ashamed of being a soulless husk. but she cant just accept that hitomi and kyousuke might get together bc... she wants to be needed and liked by them, especially kyousuke. she doesnt want to be a burden, a third wheel, a forgotten worthless friend. she wants to be special to someone, namely kyousuke. she wants to be needed and liked this desperately bc... she hates herself. huh! everything seems to come down to sayaka hating herself at the root of it !! she sabotages herself bc she hates fundamentally herself!!! if there is an option for sayaka to be better, she refuses it because she doesnt deserve to feel better, even if she wants to be better on some level - bc she hates herself !!!!!!!

relatedly, at any point in time, sayaka can ask for help from homura or madoka (or at least try), but she refuses to, bc she thinks she doesnt deserve it. she hates that she is weak enough to need help, it makes her hate herself more. kyubey plays on this by talking abt how much more powerful madoka would be as a magical girl than sayaka, and sayaka starts feeling resentful and jealous, and that fuels her self hate even more. i interpret the scene in ep8 where she lashes out at madoka as partially her resentment boiling up, but also partially a cry for help. she cannot ask for help the regular way, she can only do so in this indirect "well if ur so powerful why dont u take my place and suffer for me huh???" way, and it still fuels more self hate - this time not bc shes weak enough to be asking madoka to bail her out, but bc she purposefully hurts madoka. we can also interpret this scene as sayaka purposefully lashing out to drive madoka off bc she doesnt deserve to be with madoka anymore - a hollow husk, weak, worthless, and now feeling jealousy and resentment and not just self hate but hate towards hitomi, kyousuke, madoka. she could never deserve madokas kindness.

5. sayaka kind of knows shes self harming. shes def aware of it even if she wont admit it to other ppl. like i think she very purposefully does things that will hurt her bc, at her very core, she believes she deserves to hurt. she fundamentally hates herself and so will hurt herself and sabotage her relationships. she doesnt deserve to be safe, she doesnt deserve to not hurt, she doesnt deserve happiness, she doesnt deserve other peoples kindness. ive seen people frame it more as her blundering into yet another thing that spikes her self hate, and i just disagree with that. ive used the word purposefully in this post a bajillion times bc i think to a large extent sayaka is very cognizant of the actions shes taking. she knows being w madoka and asking for help would be better in the long run, but she purposefully doesnt do it. its self punishment, its self harm, its self sabotage so she gets even worse. its penance, and her wrongdoing is existing in the first place.

she actively and purposefully destroys her relationships, and refuses help. its an active choice, and she knows she will feel worse bc of it, but bc she hates herself and thinks herself undeserving, she carries out all these choices and actions. i think when people dont think deeply on this, they feel like sayaka is acting stupid bc "why doesnt she just do X, shes acting so stupidly" etc. but in sayakas mindset everything shes doing is crystal clear. there is no way other than to make herself suffer more and more.

its bc its framed as a willful, purposeful descent into suicidal depression that i see sayakas depression as one of the most meaningful arcs to me. i think when you are mentally ill and severely depressed, all her actions make intuitive sense. she starts out not liking herself, and everything onward is just her fueling her own self hate. thats how depression functions. it feels irrational on the outside and completely rational and sensical to the person carrying out these actions. her mindset is severely warped ofc - im not even gonna get into how her blackwhite thinking abt justice and fairness factors into this - but it makes sense to her. she doesnt see this as "i am depressed and i hate myself and i am getting more and more suicidal", but more so as "oh. im a worthless shell of a person who has never deserved anything! i cannot let myself strive for happiness in life". sayaka is not bumbling into this as a hapless victim, shes charging into suicide bc she cannot see a way out, and she cannot let herself see a way out. shes wallowing, shes punishing herself, shes sabotaging herself to the point where she wants to die more than she wants to live, and where she curses the world as a witch more than she wishes for something as a magical girl.

so much of madoka is abt agency to me, and that includes sayaka. im not saying depression is a choice, but self destruction IS - this is reflected in madokas own apotheosis/deification/enlightenment, whatever u call it. its again a question abt whether u would make a choice (or a wish) without knowing fully it entails. would you commit suicide if you knew things would get better? if you knew that you werent worthless, if you could believe it? i (maybe wishfully?) like to believe that sayaka gets to know this in rebellion - that there is a way for her to exist without constant pain and self hate, that living isnt something that is deserved but something that everyone should have, that she has people who care for her - and it makes her much less self destructive in turn.

[bioethicists]

Your post about unfollowing people who’re really combative online made me think about someone in particular. Apologies if this is out of nowhere so feel free to ignore.

If somebody (with thousands of followers) who isn’t a part of a specific marginalised group habitually seeks out bad takes regarding them to dunk on, isn’t that a little weird? I’m not talking about defending your friends when they’re facing discrimination or dunking on the main bigot character of the day, but regularly seeking out bad takes from small accounts that’d otherwise never seen the light of day.

It’s nobody on here I’m referencing. I feel a little crazy because this person gets heralded as a huge ally and has a lot of people in this marginalised group who’re really devoted to and defensive of them but it just really rubs me the wrong way because they seem really discourse-brained more than anything else.

yeah haha ironically i think some of the ppl on that post are seriously missing the point (which i probably could have made clearer) in terms of some of them are like. people who clearly think being told they're racist is the same as the type of behavior i'm talking about.

but also yes! this is more what i meant- people who are seeking out fights with those who would otherwise never get any attention! especially when it's takes that are NOT popular or the response is just totally disproportionate. or just building a social media brand off of over-exaggerated hatred/meanness towards people who "deserve it". it reminds me of all the cis people on here who constantly reblog shit about like... putting terfs in meat grinders but then never even lift a finger (or, more likely, are part of the mob) when trans women are sexually harassed or viciously bullied.

i don't think joking about harming bigots is some grand moral wrong, but it's often just gratuitous in a way where... are you actually expressing outrage or are you using the performance of outrage to get followers? what if that outrage is directly putting people in danger (e.g, if you find a terf with 45 followers + start sending her death threats, is that helping anyone or is it potentially provoking more violence, which you know full well you will NOT be the primary target of). i can see how this behavior can result in members of certain groups defending you, because if nobody has shown their willingness to defend you, isn't it refreshing to see someone who will? it's not so simple, either, cuz i do think ppl who do this do CARE, but i'm not sure the way that they care is sustainable or would hold up to a real, complex situation where allyship is needed.

it's so contextual + i'm not arrogant enough to pretend like i'm the one who can see the context right 100% of the time. this is a little sappy but i feel like the difference is whether the root of the anger is love/hope or if its fulfilling your own desire to lash out/release tension/look good. like "i'm pissed because i care about my trans siblings + it hurts me to see them treated this way + nobody else is saying shit for them so i'm stepping up" vs "raging online meets a need in me that i'm not willing to acknowledge + here's the perfect target". not exactly that simple but sometimes u can tell someone would be a kiwifarms bro if they didn't need social capital from a different crowd, ykwim (which btw we regularly learn that certain leftists will comb through + disseminate kiwifarms shit if it fits their vibe, which is an automatic red flag to me that you only care about drama, not morals)

it reminds me of how some "callouts" are clearly written with the intention of preventing harmful people from maintaining the power to do more harm (e.g x popular artist sexts underage fans) while many others are clearly written with glee about someone turning out to be Bad (e.g x popular artist has a private twitter that i, op, SCROUNGED to find, where they say horny things about genshin impact characters)