#probs deleting later but i’m just so… confused? like

[ritterdoodles]

A twitter mutual unfollowed me a while ago… This wouldn’t be so bad in itself but I just saw them bragging about it and I’m just like ??????

[buttertrait-old]

how is the tag ts4 trending when simblr has been so damn quiet recently like huh

[foreheadkiss3s]

tate langdon x gn! reader.

trigger warnings : really sad thoughts going through the readers mind. i let my drama queen take over and everything came out too dramatic.

angst/ fluff at the end if you squint your eyes really hard.

this is so messy, really, it’s just a drabble i wanted to put out but i think i’ll probs end up deleting it since i feel like it’s cringey. also, english is not my first language so whatever (and wherever) mistake you might find, please bear with me.

I know it might be confusing, or even worse, not make sense at all. but i just let my messy thoughts flow and that’s the result.

just to get things a bit more clear, tate is still alive and dealing with his situation back home while reader is the only friend he managed to make in high school. the reader was at the house, not the murder house ( let’s just assume the reader’s house it’s near that ) and tate just presented himself there after the reader became distant with him.

« I’m sorry. »

You know about those days, when you wake up and your eyes reflexively land on the window? And then they wander up, and get to notice the soft hue of the blue sky, lightened up by the sun? And it’s almost as if you could feel the warmth of the sun rays seeping through your window?

Perhaps it’s the warmth of the covers, the cozy feeling that you get every time when you just wake up and that later on makes you whine because you know you’ll have to leave that warm place soon to get up and get ready for school. But it’s almost as if you had a restart.

For five minutes— sometimes even less, it depends on how much it takes your brain to process the world outside of your mind again— you get to feel like you’ve just been reborn, and that everything would be alright.

But then it all comes crumbling down.

Your brain registers where you are, the reality you live, and the obnoxious routine you have to do everyday. Get up. Brush your teeth and hair. Skip breakfast because you’re always late. Get dressed. Go to school. Wish to get home during and in between classes. Get finally home, but then you get frustrated because it’s always the same damn thing.

You don’t know what it is that frustrates you, that angers you so much and sometimes even makes you cry. That drains you, leaving you so exhausted that you end up falling asleep only to wake up the next morning and experience the same thing again.

Perhaps, you think, that you’re crazy. Maybe you’re spiralling out of reality. Maybe you’re just being an ungrateful teenager. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe you just want to sleep forever.

But, when you think you can’t take it no more, here comes Tate.

Sometimes you think he’s weird. Not in a bad way, you think he’s just.. weird. He’s one of the most pessimistic people you know, always looking down on the human specie and labelling it as some sort of stupid being. Yet, when it comes to the state you’re slowly falling in, he seems to suck it out of you.

You don’t know how to explain it properly— you don’t even understand it yourself, but it’s almost as if he is a sponge. Just by staying near you, he sucks all the darkness away. He’s like a black hole, but instead of absorbing everything he just absorbs your darkness. Or perhaps he’s just a little hypocrite that doesn’t allow you to be pessimistic just like he is.

Even though you know.. you know that referring to Tate as pessimistic is the least you could call him.

You hate it when he gets clingy, and that happens very often. Who are you kidding? it always happens, hence why you always resort to unkind ways to get him to leave you. You just want to be alone sometimes.

Tate might argue with you and say that it’s more than sometimes, it’s always.

You’re not a good person, you know that. You’re selfish and you don’t care who you’re hurting when it comes to you and the decisions you make.

You didn’t care when you started hanging out with a boy and spent less and less time with Tate. Why did you do it though? You still question yourself.

Yeah, he might be clingy, attached to your hip, dependant on you and the list could go on just like that. But he was the only one that showed you how much you mean, or perhaps, how much you could mean to somebody.

You never thought it possible that a being could be so much for another being.

Tate is your only friend. Even though you’re not sure of that anymore since all you did for the past few weeks—maybe month, was avoiding and ignoring him.

At the beginning it was just to get a little time alone. But then it started becoming more of an avoidance, and now? You thought you were avoiding him out of shame.

But he was your only friend, and you pushed him away for what? To test if you could feel something different than the void you were currently drowning in? How could you have been that selfish?

His eyes seem to be asking you the same questions as he stares deep down inside your soul. His kaleidoscope honeyed eyes.

« I’ll.. » a sob breaks his voice, and his attempt to hold back his tears fails, making the tears break through and fall down his cheeks like diamonds, «.. I’ll leave never bother you again if that’s what you want »

For the first time in weeks you feel something so authentically powerful that it almost knocks the breath out of your lungs.

You’re sat there, on your messy, still unmade, bed as you’re looking into his eyes. And he stares back at you almost as if he has already been there, in that position— unwanted and thrown to the side, times and times before. But still it causes him pain.

It’s a subtle but yet stinging feeling. Like a cut being slit open again by a sharp dagger with its blade covered in salt. It’s a swift movement, a methodical cut, because it always seems to be hurting in the same spot.

You don’t say anything.

« You’re just like her. » Constance. Tears stream down his face like pouring rain. His voice taking the resemblance of a wave as sometimes it gets higher and other times it comes crashing down, stopping abruptly to let his tears fall down silently.

Just like rain in the ocean.

Silence fills the room yet again.

« Please.. p-please.. » How come that he’s the one begging you and not the other way around? What is he pleading for?

You frown looking at him, still staring into his eyes like a stone cold bitch. And you might’ve even been one to someone else’s eyes. But not to his.

You were just as hurt and lost as he was.

He got down on his knees, sliding on them on the carpeted floor until he was by your legs, as you were still sitting down on your bed. He sobbed and sniffled as he got in between your legs and let his head slowly come down to rest on your lap. «..d-don’t leave me.

you’re the only thing I have left.. y-you don’t have to do anything just.. p-please.. please I need you. You’re everything to me.. I-I’m.. I.. »

How could you have let everything spin out of control?

You were sorry.

You were so sorry.

Your vision became so blurry, almost as if a plastic wall was swiftly building itself up on your eyes, until it broke down and you felt warm droplets of water strike your cheeks. You were sorry as you could see the hurting boy sobbing on your lap because of your selfish behaviour.

You didn’t know what had happened to you to get you to this point, to hurt mindlessly like that the only person that cared about you. But you knew you were sorry and you wanted to wipe everything you did away.

Your hand, slowly, made its way on his head covered by the soft honeyed hair. You let your fingers slip and comb through the strands of his hair while you finally felt something.

« I’m sorry. » a broken whisper left your mouth.

just wanted to apologize again as i’m sure it came out more cringy than anything, but if you have some advice to give me please feel free to leave a comment ( or just straight up tell me to stop writing and never do it again 🤪 ).

[simpforfandoms]

you’re loosing me

wrote this on my phone the day you’re loosing me

pairing: dick grayson x fem!reader (I don’t think any pronouns are used tho)

summary: the end of a relationship is never fun

warnings: probs bad might delete later

“I don’t know, I just don’t see myself marrying you” dick states

You snort, “but you saw yourself marrying Barbara and Kory?”

You smile while saying it, trying to play it off as a lighthearted conversation, like you didn’t hear your heart break, like he practically wasn’t saying that you weren’t good enough to marry.

He shrugs, “yeah but that’s different they’re like heroes”

and they’re prettier than you? Smarter? Braver? Stronger? He loved them more than you? It wasn’t like he was meaning to judge you but it felt like it. It felt like he was judging you for not being as good as them.

You scrunch your lips in distaste, “hmmm not really but ok.”

He laughs in disbelief, noticing the slight venom to your words, “you seriously can’t be mad at me for saying I wouldn’t marry you, you’re the one who asked me!”

You’re jaw clenches at his words, first it was I don’t see myself marrying you, now it was I wouldn’t marry you, you shut your jaw and try to compose yourself.

He notices your response, or lack thereof, and states something before you even get the chance to speak, “it’s not like you would marry me!”

Your face turns into one of disgust and confusion, “Dick I would marry you in a heartbeat.” You state.

For a moment he just stares at you, knowing he can’t say the same to you. You shrug and turn your head back to the tv and watch some random sitcom on ABC family, ignoring the burning sensation in your stomach all the way up to your heart. He inches closer to you and wraps an arm around you.

“You know I love you, right?”

“Right.” is what your mouth says but the achy sensation in your heart is telling a different story.

•

A month later and thing start quickly going downhill, more arguing, more resentment, less love.

“I don’t understand.” Dick says

“I know you don’t.” You reply

“Then help me understand!”

“I can’t! Alright?”

“I’m sick of your fucking mind games!”

“My mind games?!?”

“Yes! You say you I judge you! I don’t”

“Yes you do like non stop as you’re off saving lives!”

“I’ve told you like a thousand times I don’t judge what you do!”

“Uh no no yes you do judge me. Like last month remember? You said you wouldn’t marry because I’m not a hero!”

“What?” He sighs, “okay, if I did say that I was probably just agreeing with you.”

“Well you did. You did say it. And I just can’t unhear the judgement in your voice.”

“Oh my god! Give me fucking break.” He shouts, “you don’t feel judged by me, you don’t and you know you don’t. You have judgement on yourself and you’re making this about me.” He pauses to look at you, “I have been nothing but supportive of you. You say you want to be attorney I say “that’s great, I love you.” but then you don’t believe me, so then you say you want to volenteer at an library for underprivileged youth, and I say “that’s great, I love you.” And then you’re mad at me for supporting that, it’s like I can’t fucking win with you!”

“Cause you never should have let me do the library, Dick!” You sigh, “like you know me better than anybody and you let me quit a job that I love to go teach children to fucking read! You should’ve stopped me!”

“You kept saying that that was what you wanted and it’s not my fucking job to make you be honest with me!”

“Yeah you’re right, I don’t know what came over me I’m sorry.” You say in defeat just wanted the argument to end

“No your not because you still think I’m in the wrong. I’m not. You make everything constantly about you. You don’t care about at all about Nightwing except how it relates to you, how it makes you feel. And it’s exhausting. Like what about me? I want somebody to show up for me and to support me. Not just someone who’s always thinking about themselves. And if you do have a problem you need to fucking talk to me.” He pauses for emphasis, “but instead you spin and spin and you quit your job and you hide things from me, like we’re in a relationship, we’re supposed to be partners”

“Dick what the fuck do you want me to do? I patch you up after patrol, I stay up for you because I know you don’t want to go to sleep alone, I follow your rules because I know it’s for my safety. What more do you want?”

“I want you to see that what I do is for greater good!”

“Yes I do, you make that perfectly clear! And I’m sure if it were between me and the fucking greater good you would choose the greater good! Because I’m no fucking Starfire or fucking Batgirl, I’m just me and apparently that’s not enough for you!”

“Oh my god this again! How many times do I have to tell you that I love you for you?!?”

“I never said you didn’t, you just don’t love me as much as you love them! You’ve made that as clear as a window.”

“Is this about the marriage thing because if it is then fine let’s go get married.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Then help me understand because you’re acting fucking crazy!”

“I don’t want you to marry me out of spite! I want you to marry me because you want to! And that isn’t the fucking problem!”

“Then what is?”

“I can’t be what you want!”

“I have never said that!”

“You don’t have to I can fucking feel it!”

Dick sighs, “fine if you can’t see that I love you for who you are then maybe this isn’t going to work out.”

“Yeah maybe.” You sigh, “I’m going to sleep in the guest room tonight.”

“I’m going out.” He says as he walks out the door and slams it.

When the door shuts you mutter a ‘fuck you to’ to particularly no one. Then you rush to the bathroom for a nice clearing your mind shower. What the fuck was happening. What the actual fuck. Was this the end of a five year relationship. Just like that five year relationship down the drain. Well not just like that, it’s been a long time coming. Recently you’ve started to notice that the relationship was slowly and painfully becoming more of a burden then a joy. You cut your hair, he didn’t notice. You hardly ever saw him anymore because of his work, and when you did it was just arguing. You would call him and it would go to voicemail and you would listen to it because you haven’t heard his voice in a while. And you thought that maybe a job that helps people more would bring you closer to him, but it didn’t. If anything it made things worse, you resented him as if he made you get the job. And you resented for not seeing that you resented him. You didn’t want to resent him because that was the first sign of a end of a relationship. And it feels so fucking horrible to resent the person you love for no reason. He didn’t make you quit your job, you made yourself. He was right it’s not his job to make you be honest with him. None of this was his fault. And you know he feels the same way. You saw the sparkle in his eyes leave. You felt him seeing you as a chore to check off his to-do list. You see him see you as to needy. So you saw the end coming. You just didn’t know it would be so painful. You guess it’s true what people say, “sometimes people just grow apart”.

As the cold water hits your skin, you’re brought out of your thoughts. The hot having turning cold reminded you just how long you have been in the shower. But instead of getting out, you let the water stream down your face, disguising your tears.

…

After a long hard talk about what you both want, you decided it was time to go.

“so I guess this is goodbye?” you say with a bitter sweet smile

“Yeah I guess.” He says with that same bittersweet smile.

“I’ve regretted endless things but I don’t think I’ll ever regret you. You taught me how to love and for that I’m forever grateful.” You state walking over to him to embrace him in hug

Dick welcomes the hug and mumbles “I hate how you’re so poetic even in a time of despair.”

“Oh please you love that about me!” You pull back appalled

“Yeah I guess” he sighs

“I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you to”

“Goodbye.” You say as you let go of his hands

“Goodbye.” As he says it you have to hold back from saying ‘I love you’ because now he wasn’t yours.

You turn to leave and are you about to open the door but pause. There’s so many unsaid words. Unfinished dreams. Unfulfilled accomplishments. But maybe they were better off left that way. You then open the door and leave behind a whirlwind of memories but also find new ones. You do not know what will come from Dick’s part in your life but you know it led you closer to you’re happy ending. While you still love him, you realized you’re just not what each other need anymore and that’s okay.

[ghostlybroskies]

 A shoddy laptop sits on a fold out table. It’s got some old recording stuff plugged into it, a dusty microphone sitting at the edge. Dave really isn’t too sure what he’s doing. He couldn’t find the words to write out, and he’s not really feeling up to showing his face to a random blog on the internet yet. So-audio time. Bringing it back old school style. He had tape recorders as a kid, copied down his thoughts there and shit. Most of those didn’t survive in his childhood home. Now, let’s see…where to start? He could treat this like an audio diary, maybe. Spill his guts to the internet in hope of answers. How seriously should he take this??? After some procrastinating the blond hits the record button. If he keeps overthinking this, then he’ll never get shit done. Just start spewing shit Dave, you can edit it later. Dave: Alright ghostlybroskis, we’re back on the air. Or the mic. This isn’t live. Dave: Fuck. Whatever, it’s fine. Dave: I know my last post had a lot of y’all confused, but don’t worry, it was just a lil audio error, haha. Dave swivels closer to the desk in his chair, crossing his legs in the seat. It was a lie. The audio he posted was 5 minutes of him talking, but it uploaded with just straight silence. Got a lot of questions about it, and it took him a while to work up the nerve to address it. His audio has been doing that a lot lately. Just cutting out completely as if he’s not even there. Gotta love it. Dave: It was an experimental audio, I guess. Like a dog whistle kinda thing I saw online and was like oh shit I should try that, that would be interesting. Dave: But it didn't work, so I’ll probs just delete that shit later. Declutter the old blog. Dave: I got some questions in since the last post, so I guess I’ll answer them now? Dave: As a recap for anyone new, just call me your local ghostlybro, whatever the username says. Dave: No, youre not getting my age or my real name, this is just a side blog, I ain’t tryna be all that serious. Dave: And I’m also not a ghost expert. Just sharing some weird experiences on here, kinda lookin’ for answers, but not expecting much, so. Dave: Let’s get into answering some of these bad boys already. //Ask blog is now open!! This is a paranormal-ly humanstuck AU, where Dave died and came back to life danny phantom style. He’s got some weird ghost shit happening to him, recently moved in with his older brother Dirk and his partner Jake, who both work as paranormal investigators! Just a fun lil side thing. Dave’s blog is an anonymously run one by himself, and Dirk and Jake don’t know about it. They don’t know about any of the weird shit happening to him-but Dave literally just. Disappears sometimes and freaks himself out. Sees ghosts and ghastly shit daily, is starting to hear shit, and on occasion something touches him and he almost double dies. Trying to pretend he doesnt hear or see anything if something is around him, but damn waking up with shit in the corner of your room is fucking gnarly. Will occasionally post art with it too! Got low energy so can’t do an art reply with everything-but I’ll do it when the inspo strikes!!

[fae-queen54]

RANT BELOW i’ll prob delete later bc i’ll prob regret it and just wanted to get out some frustrations

anyone else’s autism make it hard on them to understand social cues only with people who act the same as you? bc like i spent most of my junior year english class talking to this guy whose super sarcastic and funny and grouchy but in a good way. and like we’d annoy each other and make ab how we aren’t friends and wish the other would skip a day or two so there would be peace and quiet. but we’d spend so much time in class talking to each other instead of doing work or ignoring each other.

the jokes however did my autism no favors bc like i want to be his friend but it feels super lame to refer to him as my friend if he doesn’t feel the same way. but i was super confused bc he’d act the same around his friends and i began thinking maybe i was taking everything to literal.

then on the literal last day of school (last day i went bc i finished my finals early) i made the comment “you’ll be happy to hear you have to see me the rest of the year. i take my last test next period” bc one walk to our separate math classes together. and we teased each other back and forth ab it bc he still had to go the rest of the week while i finished early. he made a joke saying he’d make sure i’d go the rest of the week by dragging me there himself. i told him that would be pretty hard since he didn’t know where i lived other than a general direction and he said he’d find a way. i just laughed and said “stalkerish much?” where his response is what is leaving me super confused. he said “yea i definitely don’t care that much. i only talk to you every morning in english” and i can’t fucking tell if he was also joking or being sarcastic or he was trying to say he thought we were friends. bc like he’s got other friends, esp in our english class.

now i’ve been out of school for like a week and this is literally all i can think ab in my free time. like i asked my family members ab it since it’s caused me so much confusion (for the longest time i refused to mention him outside of small pieces like “[he] wouldn’t shut up and kept poking my arm” or “[he] was snoring so loud today in class” bc last time i talked ab a boy they were convinced i had a crush). i asked my little sister(whose in no way neurotypical but is way better at understanding social cues compared to me) and she kinda made me think he was saying he thought we were friends. but then i realized my biggest mistake was talking to my meddling sister for advice. she offered to ask him when she saw him for practice later this summer and i forgot she would be a freshman next year and would be in show choir with him.

but thanks to all this and my not very good understanding of how to handle and cope with emotions i’m super confused. bc like i somehow made it through the whole school year basically trying to become his friend ig without getting his number or snap or anything and i rlly hope he doesn’t have tumblr or at least find this bc this would be all too much like the real events to be considered a coincidence in his eyes.

kinda just looking for advice bc i’ll prob see him over the summer thanks to my sister’s show choir shit and the only people i know irl that i’d go to for this didn’t help much.

[rebelquilled]

The thing that is confusing me is: What happened to Lux and the others? They went to help Xayah find Rakan, but Xayah appears in the Comics searching for other members (Senna/Orianna/Seraphine) and what happened with them? The event happening in League also didn't explain what happened (they just said the other SGs disappeared, something like that). Xayah obviously still wasn't comfortable to join Ahri/MF/Neeko, but what about the others? This is what getting me all confused. Lux and the others just vanished. Do you have some theory about what happened to them? (LOR also is getting Star Guardian Gwen, with Soraka/Lulu/Jinx fighting a giant monster to free Gwen, that is a SG associated with Zoe and the 1st team of SGs). A lot of things are happening without explanation and this will turn into a Ruined King event. I don't want a disaster like this happening with the Star Guardians :c Thanks for asking me <3

📱- I accidentally deleted my original response to you so sorry this is the spark notes version. Mobile probs :///

My first thing to say was sorry I’m actually not super caught up on or aware of all the stories outside of Xayah’s. From my understanding, whatever happened with Lux and her team, as well as Ahri/MF’s newer teammates pulled them away from helping Xayah. And whatever happened is being referenced in Pc League and LoR, I think. Meanwhile Xayah’s story has accepted they’re a bit out of the picture with some unnamed event.

Now whether PC or LoR will ACTUALLY tell their full stories or provide details, I can’t say. With SG covering three games, three events, and tons of characters… I wouldn’t be surprised that a few characters are going to get skimmed over in favor of the larger stories of Kai’sa, Xayah, and Gwen.

Hell, Neeko’s been ignored entirely probably for the basic fact she doesn’t have a Rift skin yet.

Even major companies easily can get out of scope and have to cut tons of work. So unfortunately there is a chance we may only get small details from Kai’sa’s story about what happened exactly. Very little chance we’ll be given anything in Xayah’s. Gwen’s will possibly reveal some things since it features a few characters but can’t say.

I’m speculating everything I’m saying here.

I’m part of a massive company and have seen us cut tons of work so. Sometimes it’s just too much, so unfortunately I can’t say Lux and all won’t get snubbed a bit as they weren’t the main focus for this season. However, there is still time left in the event so maybe we’ll get some details or understanding soon enough. Or they’re setting up for another story a few years later. Can’t say for certain.

So sorry I don’t have a full answer! Hopefully rito will provide some clues or information or something but, for now, I think there is a chance we’ll have to accept some characters won’t get mentioned much :c let me know if anything else, I can try but, for now, the best I can say is let’s see what else the event has to offer over the next few weeks.

[actual-fucking-clown]

Take your time then.

Aizawa x gender neutral reader

Story under the cut :)

Unedited but like edited but still not properly edited :)

Hope you enjoy!!!

a/n: it’s been a hot min since I’ve written a fic. I think the last time i was 14 and it was shit and on wattpad. Ha. I hate myself. N e way, I was recently writing some shit for an au me and my friend thought up and in the back of my mind I was like, “you should start writing fics again bc this is kinda fun”, soo lo and behold I made a post asking if anyone would be interested, shared a little too much personal shit in it but whatever, and have now decided to write this mother fucker. (3/25/21)

a/n: not sure if anyone will care about this series of a/n’s but I’m just chronicling thoughts ig. rewriting rn bc my first draft was short and ass. Also I’m thinking about opening requests after this is posted, will go into detail in a diff post maybe. (3/28/21)

a/n: deleted everything, rewriting. I just want to make something that might be decent and if I can give that feeling, y’know those chills you get when you read something utterly gorgeous, but I’m bad at writing. sadge (3/28/21, like several hours later)

a/n: ugh (4/1/21)

a/n: ugh pt 2 electric boogaloo. I can’t seem to move forward with the writing. I realized something like this might happen bc to solve a problem feelings need to be discussed and I fucking hate doing that so you can see where I’m fucking up lmaooooo (4/2/21)

a/n: I read angst to fuel my writing brain. So, read some angst, finally writing agian. This first section is probs as long as the story itself LMFAO(4/5/21)

Started: (3/25/21) Finished: (4/5/21)

Warnings: uh angst, curse words, like a lot, (i saw someone else put this as a warning, do I actually need it?), avoiding problems instead of actually facing them, mentions of shit so-so parenting, mentions of not being able to live up to high expectations, y’know, the works

Synopsis: Aizawa takes in Eri without running it by you first and expects you to be okay with it. That’s funny. He was wrong.

Can I preface this with a thought? I’m going to anyway,

all the fics I read paint him as the sweetest partner and I’m sure he is but I think they miss out on how blunt he is and his whole “Mr. Rationality” thing. So as much as I adore him I think there are situations that he’d be a bit more colder towards, a bit more straightforward about. Maybe even like a bit insensitive about but maybe bc he doesn’t have the full picture or something. so I guess this is another warning but aizawa is a little insensitive in the beginning (but like not really but kinda. it’s complicated)

~

Rain pattered softly against the window. The smell of some old random Bath and Bodyworks candle you’d dug out from a box you’d never bothered to unpack smothered the room. Some Netflix show idly played on a low volume on your computer, you’d lost interest in watching tv awhile ago. You needed a break. After the eventful month you’d been having you really needed this. 

Now of course your whole year so far had been eventful. What with all the villain attacks on you and Shouta’s class and the kidnapping of one of your students, to just dealing with the more mundane problems with your students. No. You had no problem with that. The villains, although not easy, were something you were trained to handle. The smaller problems with your students weren’t arduous either, after all you weren’t too much older than them. 

When reflecting on your situation, from and outside perspective it could be seen as the straw the broke the camels back, which sure, makes sense. After all, you’re bound to be stressed out by everything else, so why would this seemingly insignificant thing weigh heavier than a villain attack? Well if that is the situation why does this single straw feel like it weighs a ton? This is not that. This is not culmination of the events of this year draining the life from you. This is something entirely different. A panic inducing life change that completely took you by surprise mixed with your inability to actually face your problems. 

You don’t blame them. You can’t. They’ve done nothing wrong. A child. A small, probably mentally scarred child is your problem. Well not her personally but the fear taking care of her instills in you. Despite working in the field that you do, you cannot for the life of you handle actual children. Sure you’re a little awkward with your class but at least they’re young adults and (vaguely) mature and independent to a certain extent. The fact that your long term boyfriend just came back one day, small child in tow and said “Hey I’ve gotta look after this one now” not verbatim obviously, for a lack of better words, fucked you up. He basically solo adopted a kid and, let’s be honest, he probably expected you to help out. But how could you? How could this man look at you and think “I want this person to help me raise an already fucked up child?” Ok sure, he doesn’t at first give off the “I’m totally father figure material” vibe but in the end he is extremely competent. You on the other hand, not so much.

You’d never been good with children. Tried your best to steer clear of them. Didn’t matter the place, didn’t matter who’s kid, you couldn’t handle them. You would just stand there, awkwardly, not entirely sure of what to do and petrified that there was the possibility of making some mistake which would upset the child and then oh wow look, your head got chopped right of your shoulders. That’s hyperbole of course but it does sum up the insurmountable fear that overcomes you whenever you have to deal with a child. So considering the fact that your long term boyfriend had suddenly decided to adopt and not at least warn you, didn’t sit right with you.

So, the best and most obvious choice, was to avoid your problem. Avoid Shouta, avoid Eri. Avoid the mention of them and you, avoid it all. And honestly you’d done pretty well so far. You were able to have as little contact with them as possible considering the close proximity of your living quarters in the teacher’s dorms. After all they were legally supposed to give you two separate rooms but you never actually used yours, well until now. You were living it up honestly. Did you feel awful? Of course. He is your boyfriend after all and you were sure Eri doesn’t deserve your cold shoulder but this is probably for the best. What could you offer her? You weren’t sure that you were a good role model for her or anyone for that matter. What did you know about raising kids? it’s not like you had parents to set a proper example for you. Of course they might have shown you what not to do but where do you go from there? Is shit like that really avoidable? You don’t want to be like them. You strive to be better but what if you can’t be. There’s also the added bonus of the fact that raising a kid seems taxing on a relationship. Now matter how strong you were sure that the stress of a kid could break a relationship down that then festers into something toxic and unrecognizable. You didn’t want that. God you couldn’t let that happen. No. This was definitely for the better.

Of course Aizawa didn’t feel the same. He was confused on why his partner had been so blatantly avoiding him. Did he do something wrong? He doesn’t remember doing anything that might’ve upset you. So why now? Why pull away now? He had to get down to the bottom of this but catching you was the hard part. You had been taking on more work, offering more assistance to the other teachers, picking up extra patrols, doing everything and anything to stay away from Shouta. It took him a month but he finally caught up to you. You were tired, worn out he knew that. Instead of loading yourself with work you’d decided to hole yourself up in your room. It was now or never.

You were pulled out of your peace at the sound of a few gentle knocks to your door. You really didn’t want to get it. You honestly couldn’t be bothered. 

“(N/n)? Are you in there?” He hadn’t gotten it wrong right? He hadn’t been too distracted earlier and missed you leaving right?

“What’s up?” You hummed from your place by the window, not bothering to actually open the door.

“Can I come in?” Shouta asked, voice soft. You could barely hear him above the patter of the rain and the low humming of your laptop.

“Uh, no, kinda busy. Got loads of work to do. Need to focus, sorry. Maybe later?” You hesitantly spoke. Not sure if you were convincing enough. 

Apparently you weren’t.

He sighed. “It’s been “later” for an entire month. Please (Y/n) just let me in. Whatever this is we can talk it out.” You had predicted that eventually Shouta would start to try to crack down on whatever the issue was but you didn’t expect it so soon. 

“Uh...no?” You tried, hoping that maybe he’d just give up but that wasn’t Shouta.

“No, you don’t get that option, now please, open the door.” Although it was still soft his voice had taken a more stern tone.

“Oh no I’m dead. I guess I can’t open the door. What a shame. I guess the only way to talk with me now is in the pits of hell.” You quipped, trying to lessen the tension that already ran thick.

“(Y/n).” Aizawa sighed.

“Jeez fine. Talk about pushy.” You quipped once more to no avail.

Opening the door you were met with, well exactly what you expected. He stood there, arms crossed, a stern yet gentle look in his eyes, his lips pulled into a slight frown. 

“Come in.” You mumbled as you stepped further into your room.

“So tell me. What’s wrong?” The sentence stirred so much. Of course you wanted to tell him. You wanted to spill your guts to the man you loved in hopes of comfort but you just can’t. You know you’ll just scare him off. You know you’ll make things worse.

So you stay silent.

He says nothing as he grabs your hands gently and leads you over to your bed. He sits the two of you down on the edge, muting the movie on the laptop sitting behind him.

“You know you can tell me if something’s bothering you right?” Shouta sent you a warm smile. 

You weren’t very comfortable with discussing your feelings sometimes, it mostly stemmed from the fact that you never really could discuss them with anyone growing up which made it harder to confide in anyone now, as at this point bottling things up was a habit. But this was also just something that you were sure that you couldn’t talk about.

Silence answered him once again.

Now he took sometime to think about his approach, think about what could’ve happened that made you pull away. What did he do that was different from his norm? He was genuinely stumped and the fact that you weren’t helping him confused him even more.

You decided to take this time to lament the situation too. What was he going to do? Should you actually tell him or play it off? If you play it off will he still insist that something is wrong? If you tell him will he leave you? If you don’t tell him will he leave you? You risked a glance at him, he was still deep in thought.

Why did you have to adopt this fucking kid without at least warning me?

“What?” Your head shot up at the sound of his shocked voice.

“What?” You asked, genuinely confused.

“Eri’s the problem...?” He spoke slowly, not entirely sure if he’d heard you right.

“Did I say that out loud?” You squeaked.

“I’m pretty sure you mumbled something along the lines of “why’d you have to adopt that fucking kid”.” Shouta said, unsure if he’d heard wrong. Wanting to have heard wrong.

“No no no no no no! It’s not like that! I mean it is like that but not like that!” You frantically waved your hands in hopes of defusing the situation.

The way he looked at you made you want to cry. You felt horrible. You felt like the biggest asshole in the world and, at this point you probably were. He looked at you with such a look of heartbreak and disappointment and confusion it made you sick to your stomach. You felt light-headed and started shaking. You were right. You were right. You were always right. God why did you have to be right! Why did you have to be like this? Scared of raising a fucking child! It was asinine and irrational and you could probably move past it  but thanks to your stupid fucking brain you just sealed your fate.

You scooted away from him still waving your hands frantically as no’s tumbled endlessly from your lips. You tried sputtering an apology, anything so that he wouldn’t look at you like that but nothing stuck. Nothing was comprehensible. Nothing worked. Nothing would work. Nothing will work. You were hopeless. It was hopeless. 

“If it isn’t like how it seems then tell it to me straight.” Shouta finally spoke up.

You took a second to come down from your panic. You steeled your nerves as much as possible before you spoke. 

“Um well, I have nothing against her it’s just that a little heads up would’ve been nice? I’m not all that great with kids so this is just kind of weird is all.” You were purposefully being vague in hopes that he’d understand what you meant and also maybe drop it.

“Not great with kids? You’re literally a teacher.” He pointed out.

“Yeah you know but she’s like a kid kid and let’s be honest I’m not too great with the students either.” You awkward laughed. So he wasn’t getting it.

“Wha-you’re fine with the students and I’m sure you’ll be fine with Eri, there was no reason to avoid me over this.” Shouta sighed. As good as he was with dealing with people, he was equally as shit. Or maybe it was just the fact that you gave him very little to work with. It was probably a bit of both. Still his dismissiveness was not helping you right now.

“No, no, no, no. I think I’ll stay here. Uh, good luck with your parenthood escapades and sorry to leave you high and dry like this but that’s going to have to be a no from me.” You rambled. He seemed to be getting a little tired of this.

“(Y/n) stop being irrational. She’s not even our kid I’m just looking after her for now. Why are you being difficult? I told you you were fine with the students and you’ll be fine with Eri, what else do you want to hear?” Shouta grumbled.

“Well uh I don’t know, uh...” You trailed off, this seemed to be going in a direction you really didn’t want it to go. A slight hostility settling in the air.

At your lack of a proper answer he clicked his tongue. He took a moment to reassess the situation. There had to be something he was missing. After all you were getting really worked up but if you weren’t going to talk to him there was nothing he could do. He shook his head before running a frustrated hand through his hair.

“(Y/n), please, please, just be honest with me. Whatever it is that’s bothering you, you can tell me. But I won’t be able to understand if you don’t.” Aizawa sighed, deciding that getting worked up about this was not the way to go, especially when you seemed to be especially distraught.

“Uh, god the thing is I don’t know entirely what to say to put the shitshow in my head into perspective.” You mumbled, trying desperately to figure out what to say that could clear the air but nothing seemed to be coherent enough.

“Take your time.” He decided that this was the best approach to things, making sure neither party got too worked up lest this turn into a fight.

The rain continued to patter softly against the window and your candle continued to burn an slightly off floral-ish scent.  A deafening silence hung in the air because even though he was being as patient as possible some of his frustration leaked through, it was bound to though so you couldn’t exactly blame him. After all, you were probably equally as frustrated with yourself too. 

“I’m just not good in a position like this. I’m not good with kids, especially someone like Eri who’s already so broken. You have that nurturing nature, it comes natural to you but I’m not on that level. I  don’t know the first thing about caring for a child let alone one as already traumatized as her. I’d fuck it up and only make things worse. I don’t want you to reassure me that I’ll be okay with her, I want you to understand that I’m not comfortable with this and that it might take me awhile to come around. I’m sure I sound like the biggest asshole ever but please understand that this just isn’t something I’m ready for.” You had rambled a bit, you were aware of that, but it was the only way that you could properly express your feelings without making things too complicated.

Aizawa said nothing. Trying to figure out how to go about things.

Was he upset? Yeah, you two, even after several long years of being together, hadn’t discussed moving forward in your relationship in depth. And if he’d tried you seemed content with the point you two were at so he left it be, no reason to try and move forward when what you had was already fine the way it was. But recently he’d been craving more. Some mornings, when he’d be the first to wake, he’d study your features in the soft light of the sunrise and wonder what it’d be like to properly settle down with you. Get married, start a family, all that jazz. He’d taken in Eri only because it was the most rational decision. His quirk would be good for quelling hers had it ever gotten out of hand. But it also seemed to quell his musings of something more with you. He had imagined you being a good parental figure for the little girl and it made his heart flutter and his stomach explode with butterflies. But now seeing that that wasn’t what you wanted and how you weren’t ready for it, it stung. But in the end, he loved you. He’d easily give his life for you. So, if that meant waiting he’d wait. He’d wait a million years if he had to. He could do it.

Once again he spoke,

“Take your time then. I can wait.”

Tagslist?: @captainchrisstan (I think you said you wanted to be tagged but I’m also just small brained lol If u didn’t want to and I misinterpreted things just let me know :) )

[thebrownssociety]

Space Jam 2 AU [AKA Across The Serververse] Part 2.

Hey! Roxy Goth here. So, just a couple of quick note before we carry on, firstly -  from now on I think I’ll just have the title of this as ‘Across The Serververse’ and drop the Space Jam 2 AU bit. 

Secondly - I can’t remember exactly how Rhythm got the toons into the Servereverse, by that I mean if they literally just stepped into it, ALA Dom + LeBron or if they had to go into a spaceship like Marvin’s. 

So I’ve just done something that may or may not be right. Enjoy!

Warning: Swearing

*6 months later*

Pepe and Penelope were excited. After 6 awesome - but admittedly long - months they were finally coming back to Tune Town. As they had been last to be picked up last time it meant they were also last to be dropped off, so by this point they had the boat to themselves.

“Ah, mon leetle cherry-blossom.” Pepe said, embracing Penelope. “The other passengers, they have gone, which leaves a monsieur and a mademoiselle alone together. What do you suppose we do in ze short about of time we have?”

Penelope giggled and hugged him, but as she hugged him she got a view of their home world. “P-p-pepe-” She said, faintly.

Not liking the nervousness in his wife’s voice, Pepe turned and his jaw dropped.

Tune Town was deserted. There were no signs of life anywhere, tumbleweeds ambled lazily across the desert parts of it, while in the forest parts the trees had started to go somewhat wild. That had always been Elmer and Sam’s job [and Marvin’s, if he was around] to cut down the trees. So where were they?

Before either of them could really process what was going on, the trees started shaking with so so much force that Pepe and Penelope were inclined to cling to each other, despite the fact they were on a boat.

“What is it?” Penelope whispered.

“I don’t know.” Pepe said, forgetting to put on his French accent. 

Just then a small figure darted out of the trees and ran towards the beach. “Don't stop!” The voice of Bugs Bunny called. “Keep goin’!” They could see him properly now, running down the beach and along the jetty. When the boat got close enough the rabbit braced himself and jumped onto it, hitting the floor with so much force he became flat.

“Hey! You have to pay!” The boat-captain yelled, while Pepe shook Bugs so he became 2-D again.

The rabbit reached into hammerspace and pulled out a couple of notes before just hurling them at the captain with an impatient. “Dere, does dat cover it? Now-” He turned to his friends. “Am Oi glad ta see you two!”

Pepe and Penelope were to stunned to respond to that, there eyes taking in the rabbit’s appearance. His eyes were wild and excited, his chin had stubble on it, his fur was messy and unkempt and - the most worrying of all for Bugs Bunny - his ears were down. He had also seen fit to dress himself in a tramps outfit. 

Seeing his friends horrified look, Bugs looked down at himself and said. “Eh...I guess ya wanna know what happened, don’ cha?” Upon getting a nod Bugs yelled to the captain to ‘park it a moment!’ and - grabbing a torch out of nowhere - began with: “It all started a mere two weeks after you left meself, Daf and Elmer were practising our famous ‘Duck Season, Wabbit season’ routine, actually, ya know what? I’ll show ya in flashback. Hold on-” He put his hands to the side of his head and concentrated.

*Flashback starts*

“Duck season!” Bugs said, ripping down a poster,

“Wabbit season!” Daffy snapped, yanking down another poster.

“Duck season!”

“Wabbit season!”

“Duck-!”

Bugs was cut of in his witty comeback by Elmer suddenly sighing and sitting down on the grass.

Bugs and Daffy looked at each other in confusion, before simultaneously shrugging and sitting next to the hunter, one on each side of him. Bugs got a carrot out his hammerspace and took a bite. “Eh...what’s up, Hunter?”

“Sowwy.” Elmer said, tiredly. “I’m not feewing it today.”

“No prob-lemo!” Daffy said, before Bugs could speak. “What do you want to do? We could go to Australia!” He pulled down a backdrop of Australia, causing them all to sweat. “Or France!” He pulled down another backdrop and threw a string of onions round both his brothers necks. “Or England!” He pulled down another backdrop and grabbed a cup of tea out from hammerspace. “Justh name a place!”

Elmer, holding a cup of tea with a string of onions slung round his neck, looked wide-eyed and confused. “...Home?” He said, simply.

Daffy sighed and the backdrops fell around him. “Okay then. I suppose we’ve had enough for one day. Oh, Bugsy, Bugsy ol’ buddy, ol pal!” He slung an arm round the rabbits shoulders. “Might I enquire what you are making for dinner?”

“Eh...ya can ask.” Bugs said nonchalantly.

As Daffy started to try and barter his way into a good dinner, the scene switched to the middle of Tune Town, where a tall, black, slightly shimmering man was talking to the other LT’s.

Bugs’s eyes narrowed and he marched towards them, yelling. “Hey! Who de hell are you? Dis is a private island, ya know!”

“I am Al-G-Rhythm.” The guy said, smoothly. “I am Warner Bros newest mode of technology. The link between all of your worlds. The Serververse. No longer will you have to travel between world like a second-class citizen, you can all live in one place together.”

“An’ dis benefits us...how?” Bugs asked, not believing all this for a second.

“You get to expand your horizons. Actually go into other characters worlds. You can explore, who knows? Maybe even rebrand-”

“Eh...I don’t think so.” Bugs said, confidently. “We’ve done enough ‘rebranding’ over de past few years. We’re all good here.” The other toons nodded along with him. 

“That’sh what YOU think!” Daffy said, dramatically poking Bugs in the chest. “I for one would LOVE to spread my wings!”

“Eh...jus’ talk ta Warner Bros, Daf. I’m sure they can get you a role spoofing some of de other properties.” Bugs said, easily.

“Of course.” AL-G-Rhythm purred. “With the offer I’M making you you can go anywhere and be whoever you want to be. All of you.” He added, seeing the other Looney Tunes beginning to look interested. “Anything and anywhere you want to be. I mean, let’s face it, you’ve all done so much for this stup - I mean, Warner Brothers over the years, isn’t it time you cut loose and had some fun?”

Bugs’s eyes narrowed. The Looneys were perfectly capable of having fun without needing to go across the serververse, thank you very much. He looked around, expecting to see his family with similar expression, but instead they were all talking to each other about it and sounding...excited?

“I can take you anywhere you want to go.” Rhythm said, his voice raising a little above the noise. “Hogwarts, Austin Powers, Matrix, you name it, WB have probably done something with it at some time. And if you wanted to go back in time, no problem, we still have the Paramount Pictures stuff on a different planet.”

“Reawwy?” Elmer -who was a big fan of The [original] Addams Family - asked.

Rhythm smiled. “Reawwy - eh, really. All you have to do is step into the serververse...” He stepped to one side and a suddenly a glowing door appeared from nowhere. “...And you can go anywhere you want. Now...who’s with me?”

The other Looneys looked tempted, they really did.  But after a shared glance and one of those ‘telepathic conversations’ they were so good at, Porky shook his head and said, politely but firmly. “T-th-thanks for t-t-the offer, Mr R-r-rhythm, but if it’s all the sa-the sam - makes no difference to you, we’ll stay here.”

The other looneys nodded.

Al-G-Rhythms eyes grew hard and his voice dropped to a baritone level as he said. “Well...don’t say I didn’t try and do it the nice way.”

Before any of the toons could ask what he meant though, Rhythm raised his hands and every toons except Bugs was lifted in the air, all with various shouts of surprise.

Bugs heart pounded as he looked at his family's frightened faces - some of them were clearly in pain - and he yelled. “Let ‘em go! Take me if ya hav’ ta!”

The other Looneys all started yelling at him not to do it, that it was a stupid idea. Rhythm looked at the grey rabbit and seemed to be considering it. Then he shrugged and - with a dramatic swoop of the arms -  made all of Bugs family disappear. 

“NNNNNNOOOOOO!” Bugs yelled and kind of did a little dance where he tried to go to one side, then the other, but realised that unlike his cartoons he had no idea what had just happened. “A’ight Buster.” Bugs growled. “What the fuck have you done with my family?”

“Oh!” Rhythm said, with false innocence and Bugs’s fist itched to punch him. “That was your family? Oh...I had no idea. From the way you treat them I thought it was the ‘Bugs Bunny’ show.”

“Yeah, a’ight, ya made ya point. Now bring ‘em back!”

“And where would the fun be in that?” Rhythm smirked, then became deadly serious. “Now listen to me ‘wabbit’ and listen carefully, course I ain’t sayin’ this again. I have sent your assistants-”

“-Brothers and sisters you mean.” Bugs corrected.

Rhythm looked surprised. “You consider Lola Bunny a sister? I thought you were dating.”

“Eh...” Bugs waved a hand. “That’s in canon Doc. This is ‘off-stage’ so ta speak.”

Rhythm hummed thoughtfully then - remembering he was supposed to giving a monologue - carried on with. “Whatever they are to you is no matter. The point is they are all spread across the servisverse and they’ve all been sent to random places that-” He laughed. “-Hell, even I don’t know! And YOU-” He pointed at Bugs. “-Have 6 months to find them and if you DON’T they will be deleted!” He started laughing hysterically.

“Eh...” Bugs said, left eye beginning to twitch. “Ya know Warner Bros have access to the servers as well and will realise we’re not in our world? They’ll then send us back.”

Rhythm scoffed. “You think I’m an idiot? I’ve thought of that - you wanna know how? Well, FORGET IT!” He suddenly bellowed, getting right in Bugs’s face. “I’m not going to tell you! You’ll have to figure it all out for yourself. but I’ll make it fair for you.” He said, voice taking on a soft, almost fatherly quality. “I promise that I won’t look at your progress until the last day, deal? Then you can’t say I’ve interfered. Deal?”

Bugs yelled his protestations at the top of his lungs, but Rhythm just laughed and disappeared back into the serververse. 

*End flashback*

After the end of that flashback it was safe to say Pepe and Penelope were quite shocked. They were still trying to get there head around the fact that all this had happened in the 6 mere months they’d been away, when they heard a strange sound and saw Bugs crying.

Penelope hushed him and Pepe offered him a handkerchief. Bugs blew into it noisily at exactly the same time the horn blew before handing it back to Pepe who looked at it in disgust and threw it over the side of the ship. 

“So what happened after that?” Penelope asked, fearing she already knew the answer. “Where are they?”

“Oi don’t know, okay!?” Bugs wailed. “I don’t know! Dere in different worlds somewhere, but I don’t know where and I don’t know how it works! Oi don’t know if they’ve just gone to the worlds, but without being able to shift so they stand out like a sore thumb or if they’re replacing someone else within dat world! In which case, where’s de character dere replacin’? Oi don’t know which worlds dere in, oi don’t know if dere safe or happy or bein’ tortured - I DON’T KN-!”

*SLAP*

Bugs blinked and felt the imprint Penelope’s hand had just left on him. “T’anks. Oi needed dat.”

“We weel get them back.” Pepe said, placing a hand reassuringly on Bugs’s shoulder. “Myself and Penelope will help you. We will not rest until out family, it iz complete!”

Bugs smiled shakily and wiped his eyes. “Well, dere’s one issue with dat-” Seeing his brother and sister’s curious look he gave a half-hysterical laugh and asked. “Well, why do you t’ink oi’m still here? Oi can���t get out. I’ve tried goin’ back through to Warner Bros central, oi can’t do it. The portal we use physically won’t let me through. Oi t’ink Rhythm has put some kind of block on me. To stop me leaving so oi can’t find da others. It’s de only thing that makes sense. An’ I’ve tried different versions of me as well from all across the years. King me, jester me, classic me, new me. I even tried Ace Bunny, dat’s how desperate oi was! I can’t leave-”

“-What about Chungus?” Penelope asked. Seeing the weird looks Pepe and Bugs were giving her she explained. “It sounds like Rhythm has put some sort of block on YOU. But...Big Chungus...he isn't technically a version of you, is he? He started out as a meme taken from when you were shape-shifting”

“He’s in ‘World of Mayhem.” Bugs said, doubtfully.

“Which is a game!” Penelope said, excitedly. “Not a tv show! Have you tried it? No? Well, give it a go!”

Feeling excited for the first time in 5 and a half months Bugs took a breath and started to shape himself into the monstrosity that was Big Chungus. When he had finished he smiled, leapt onto the mast and - donning a pirate hat and sword - yelled. “Full steam ahead! Warner Bros Central here we come!”

As the exit - aka the portal - that led to Warner Bros Central loomed over him Bugs felt nervous. ‘Please work, please work, please work-” He chanted under his breath. 

Then with a flash of blinding light, they went through. 

[golbrocklovely]

remember me // colby brock

A/N: this is not a request, but this is something i have been thinking about for a long time, probs since i started writing. i only finally wrote this out bc i’ve seen a lot of edit on insta that are like ‘what if your fave didn’t exist?’ and i figured this was sign for me to finally write it. if you guys want me to make a sequel to this, lmk. hope you enjoy.

prompt: everyone has forgotten colby, except her. but why?

trigger warning: angst, kinda sad, ppl forgetting colby

word count: 3567

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day started out like any other day for Colby. Nothing felt out of place as he woke up and laid in bed for a couple minutes. He knew today was going to be one of the less crazier days for him and Sam. No meetings of any kind, and no filming either. He had gotten everything done earlier this week and he was excited to have a bit of a day off. The only thing he had planned for today was to go workout with Sam early. He glanced at his phone. 9:34 A.M. Perfect time for him and Sam to go down to the apartment's gym and get some work done.

Colby stretched as he stood up, stumbling over to his closet and changing into what he usually worked out in, a muscle shirt and basketball shorts. He trudged into his bathroom and brushed his teeth quickly, opting to take a shower after he got home from the gym. He slipped his sneakers on as he walked into his kitchen and got a water bottle from his fridge. Taking a big gulp, he grabbed his keys and headed straight down the hallway to Sam's apartment.

He knocked three times, calling out to Sam as he waited for the blonde-haired boy to open the door. Finally, Sam did, rubbing his eyes and staring at Colby confused.

"Hey dude, did you oversleep?" Colby smirked, "That would be a first."

Sam narrowed his eyes at Colby, his voice still tired. "Um, I'm sorry?"

“Don't you remember? We planned to work out this morning. We talked about it last night.” Colby replied, twirling his keys in his fingers.

“What are you talking about?” Sam scrunched up his face.

“Last night after we filmed your video, we said we should go workout this morning…” Colby chuckled lightly, “Are you okay, brother?”

“I'm sorry, but... do you have the wrong apartment?” Sam asked nicely.

Colby exhaled. “What?”

“You must be looking for someone else, dude. I have no idea who you are.” Sam mumbled to himself, “Or how you know my name…”

“Okay, ha-ha. Very funny. Come on, Sam. Let's go.” Colby stated, taking a step back to leave.

Sam insisted, his voice getting louder. “No seriously, I have no idea who you are.”

“Babe, who is that?” A voice called from inside the apartment.

Colby looked over Sam, seeing Kat walk around the corner in her pjs. Colby glanced above Kat and noticed something off but ignored it.

“Hey Kat, did Sam hit his head last night?” Colby joked.

Sam turned to Kat. “Do you know him?”

Kat took a step back, glancing at Colby quickly. “No, I have no idea who he is. Do you?”

“No, I don't.” Sam shook his head.

“What are you guys on about? Of course, you know me.” Colby hissed.

“Seriously, I have no idea who you are or how you know me. But you gotta leave.” Sam ordered.

“What?” Colby raised an eyebrow, his voice softening, “Is this some type of prank?”

“Leave now, or I'm gonna call security on you.” Sam grunted.

Colby started. “Dude what are you talking-”

Sam slammed the door in Colby's face, locking it loudly. Colby scoffed, staring at the door for a second.

If this is a prank, I'm so gonna get him back for this.

Colby rolled his eyes and went down to the gym. He couldn't wrap his head around what just happened. Why was Sam pranking him if they already filmed last night? Was he trying to film for next week now too? Was this for someone else's video?

I mean, this has to be a prank... right?

Colby shook his head, ignoring the strange thought. Of course, this was a prank. It was probably for Jake's video. Maybe even Kat's. Or Kevin's. Someone was doing it to him. He couldn't remember the last time he had pranked somebody. But whoever he did, they were probably trying to get him back now for it. And they were doing a pretty good job.

Colby jumped onto the treadmill, keeping the pace slow at first as he searched through Spotify to find his playlist. Where was his playlist? As cheesy as it was to listen to the playlist he made for fans, it was filled with his favorite songs, so he would actually listen to it a lot. But now... he couldn't find it.

Where the fuck is it?

He searched, even going to his profile, but it wasn't there. Gone, like it never existed.

Maybe Spotify is acting up. Let me just go to Youtube.

Colby clicked on the app, searching up a song he wanted to hear. Then he paused for a moment, deleting the text he had written and typing in 'sam and colby'.

No results found.

“What?” Colby murmured, twisting up his face.

He then typed in 'colby brock'.

No results found.

Colby's heart sped up in his chest, his breathing quickening. Did his channel get deleted? Why were there no results for his channel, or 'Sam and Colby' for that matter? He finally typed in 'sam golbach', and Sam's channel appeared.

Colby clicked on it, glancing around at the different layout. This wasn't the layout Sam had had before. The only time they change it is when they are starting a new chapter, and they always do it together. Maybe he changed it last minute?

He clicked on Sam's videos. Scrolling through the list of them, he noticed something weird.

Sam always included Colby in the thumbnail. But now... he was nowhere. Now someone different was in the thumbnail, like Jake, Kevin, or even Corey. But... Colby was nowhere.

What the fuck was going on?

Colby clicked on a video he knew he was in, 'This Is How He LOST The Game’. He watched through the first ad, waiting impatiently. Finally, when the video loaded, his eyes widened at what he saw.

He wasn't in the video.

Sam had started the video off like normal, showing all the guys sitting on the couch as he explained the name of the game. But Colby, who knew for a fact he was in this video, was no longer there. His spot empty.

It was one thing to pretend not to know him, it was one thing to remove him from the thumbnails. But to remove him from videos all together...

“It's impossible.” He uttered under his breath.

Colby rushed off the treadmill, no longer in the mood to workout. He ran up to his apartment, feeling his heart bang against his ribcage.

Maybe this is all a weird ass dream? Or an extremely elaborate prank?

Colby went into his closet, deciding he wanted to change out of his clothes into something more comfortable. He gazed over at the corner of his closet, where he kept all of his merch, along with the XPLR ones too.

It was empty.

“What the fuck?” Colby grabbed at the empty hangers, spinning around his closet. He threw open drawers to try and find his merch, but he couldn't find it.

Colby swiped open his phone, sliding to his pictures. He knew him and Sam had a recent photoshoot in the new XPLR merch, so as long as those photos were there, he knew everything's okay.

As he opened his photo album, a certain dread trickled through his body.

Colby never deleted anything off his phone. He wanted to keep as many photos as possible. Plus it was always good to have extra photos in case he didn't have anything to post on his Instagram. But now, every photo he had was different than it once was. He had many photos of him and Sam from their years of friendship. But now every photo that had him and Sam in it... was gone. It was no longer Sam and Colby. It was just... Colby.

I'm not doing this right now. This can't be real.

Colby shook his head, his nerves getting the better of him as he laid back down on his bed. He took some deep breaths, trying to relax. This must just be the most realistic dream he's ever had, and he just needs to go back to sleep and wake up to everything normal again.

Normal... Sam's neon sign was gone.

Colby groaned to himself, closing his eyes and getting comfortable in bed. No, this is not the time to think. I just need to sleep.

As Colby felt himself relax into sleep, his dreams that followed were confusing and dark. Nothing made sense, but all he knew was that he was in a panic.

Colby jolted awake suddenly. He could tell by the way the sun was peeking through his windows that it was later. He opened his phone. 1:34 P.M.

He sighed deeply. Colby was used to waking up on his days off this late. Everything already felt better.

Did I dream all of that? Or was that prank real?

As he slid out of bed to the bathroom, he decided to check twitter. If that was all real, maybe Sam had mentioned the prank to the fans.

Colby opened twitter and nothing seemed out of the usual. He looked at Sam's account, and noticed it was not following him anymore.

He's being extremely thorough, isn't he?

As he went to switch over to the Sam and Colby account, he noticed the icon wasn't there. His fingers twitched as he typed 'sam and colby' into the search bar. Everything but that account showed up. 'Sam and Colby' twitter didn't exist.

A nauseous feeling rolled through Colby's body. Colby went to his profile, looking through the people he followed, not even noticing the significant lack of followers he had. He knew he followed a couple fans, maybe they knew what was up. As he scrolled through, he noticed the usernames were different.

He knew a bunch of fans off-hand. A lot of fan accounts always stuck out to him; and it was easy to remember the username, especially if it was named after him.

But nobody's username was.

He saw a lot of 'Golbach', but no 'Brock' or even 'Golbrock', which he always thought was cute. Not a single username was related to him anymore.

Alright, that's enough.

He angrily clicked on his contacts, needing to call Sam and tell him to call off this prank. It was no longer funny and honestly, he didn't even want to be a part of it anymore. Most pranks he was fine with, but this one was going too far for him.

Colby gasped as he stared at his contacts, dropping his phone like it electrocuted him.

All his friends were missing from his contacts. The only people in his phone were his family, and that was it.

Colby began to hyperventilate, unable to stop the panic that surged through his body. He bore at himself in the mirror, staring at his stress-ridden face. He gripped the counter of his sink, trying to calm himself down.

If he couldn't turn to Sam, who could he turn to?

He picked his phone back up, leaning against his counter as he called his mom. He just needed to know that someone remembered him.

“Hello?” His mother’s voice sang through the phone.

Colby breathed, slightly relaxing against the counter. “Hey Mom, how are you?”

“Hi Cole-baby. I'm doing okay. How are you?” She asked sweetly.

Colby pouted. “Um, I'm feeling a bit... off, to say the least.”

“Oh no, what's wrong?” She responded.

“I know this is gonna sound like a weird question, but do you remember my friend Sam?” Colby questioned, tapping his hand against the counter.

She hummed, guessing. “Sam? Sam... Johnson?”

“What? No. I never knew a Sam Johnson.” Colby rolled his eyes, frustrated, “I mean Sam Golbach. Sam Golbach. Do you remember him?”

“No... should I?” She admitted.

His heart dropped at her words. “Yeah, you should. He's my best friend. We were friends all through high school. We started a literal career together, he's basically your third son at this point.”

“Woah, honey. What are you talking about?” She puzzled.

“You don't remember Sam? He's the whole reason I moved out here, Mom.” He urged, needing his mother to remember.

She paused, then spoke. “Colby, you moved out to LA alone. Last month.”

“What?” He choked.

“You worked all through high school and college and saved up money and just recently moved out there.” She informed.

His eyes widened. “Mom, I've lived in LA for almost five years now.”

Also... college?

“Maybe it feels like five years, but honey, you only moved out a month ago at max.” His mom’s voice softened, lowering slightly. “Are you okay?”

“No momma, apparently not.” He sighed, “Who was I friends with in high school if I wasn’t friends with Sam?”

“Honey, you didn’t have any… or none that you ever brought home.” She mentioned.

Colby queried. “And college?”

“You didn’t really talk about anyone. You were very focused on your schoolwork.” She explained.

That literally doesn’t sound like me at all. I couldn’t even pass math without Sam.

Colby glanced down at his tattoos for a second, pursing his lips. “Another quick question, I was allowed to live in our house with dyed hair, tattoos, and pierced ears?”

She gasped. “Wait what? You got a tattoo?!”

“Mom, I have like five.” Colby deadpanned.

“When did you find the time to get them?!” She hushed, “Cole, you know how I feel about tattoos.”

Colby grew tired. “So, you've never heard of a Sam Golbach before?”

“No, absolutely not. But don't try to change the subject on me, Cole Robert.” She scolded.

He huffed. “I'll talk to you later, momma.”

She sputtered. “What? Don't you-”

Colby clicked ‘End Call’, lowering his head to the counter, taking in a deep breath and holding it.

“What the fuck is happening right now?” He demanded out loud.

Colby jumped up, going to his closet and slipping on some clothes quickly. The only thing he knew for certain is that something wasn't right, and he needed to get out of his apartment and go somewhere else. Anywhere else.

He grabbed his keys and rushed down to the parking lot, getting into his car quickly and driving off.

He drove for a while, finally pulling into another parking lot and turning off his car. He needed to get something to eat, and then maybe he could figure things out. He glanced around and noticed the parking lot he was in was for a diner named Meyer's. He locked his car as he left, swinging the diner's door open hastily. The diner wasn't packed, but it wasn't empty either. A nice lull of conversations droned on as he sat down at the furthest booth, cracking his knuckles nervously.

He picked up the menu that was already at the table, staring at the front of it. He didn't even realize a waitress had walked up next to him.

"...Are you okay?" The soft voice said, breaking him out of his thoughts.

Colby stared up at the waitress, noticing her eyes first. They were captivating and beautiful, much like herself. Her hair shined brightly in the sun that basked through the window. Her smile was wonderful to see after a day of unpleasant looks.

He stuttered. “What? Uh-I. Yeah, no, I'm fine.”

She giggled. “Okay. Can I get you something to drink?”

“Um, a water. No, a soda. Please.” Colby muttered.

“Alright. Coming right up.” She nodded.

Colby stared at the menu again, gazing over the pictures of sandwiches and wraps. He wasn't really hungry, but he felt like he should just eat something, even if it was just to pass the time.

The waitress came back over with his soda, placing it lightly down in front of him. “Are you ready to order?”

“No, not yet.” Colby answered, not looking up from the menu.

“Okay, I'll be right back.” She started to walk away, then stopped and turned back. “Are you okay? I know I already asked you that but... you look really upset.”

Colby’s shoulders slumped as he gazed up at her. “I-I... don't even know how to explain it.”

“Why? Is it complicated?” She guessed.

“You could say that,” Colby glared down at the menu. “It just doesn't make any sense. It sounds fake, to be honest.”

“Well, you can tell me. I won't judge.” She smiled.

I might as well tell somebody...

“Everyone's... forgotten about me?” Even Colby was confused at his words.

“What do you mean? Like they're ignoring you?” She questioned, her hand resting on her hip.

“No. Like they literally forgot I exist. Or, I somehow don't exist in their lives anymore, when yesterday I did.” He confessed.

She shrugged. “Well, maybe they're trying to ignore you instead of talking things out.”

“No, I don't think you understand. I don't exist to them. They don't know me. Like, at all,” Colby corrected. “My best friend, my brother, the fucking dude I got arrested with, doesn't know who I am.”

“Wait, you've been arrested?” She raised an eyebrow.

“It was just breaking and entering. And having fake IDs,” He commented. “But that's not the point, the point is no one remembers me, but I remember them.”

The waitress stood there silently, awkwardly.

“I don't know what to say.” She whispered.

He gulped. “I don't know either. But if you have a solution, I'd gladly hear it.”

“Maybe it's a prank?” She speculated.

“I thought about that too. But if it is, this is extremely elaborate. And borderline impossible.” Colby disclosed.

She argued nonchalantly. “People do crazy things for social media.”

“Yeah, but even my friends wouldn't take it this far for just a dumb video.” He complained.

“Are your friends famous?” She inquired.

“I wouldn't say that. My best friend is Sam Golbach.” Colby revealed.

“Sam Golbach? Why have I heard that name before?” She asked quietly.

“He's got a lot of followers. He’s a Youtuber.” He pointed out.

“Wait, you're Sam's best friend?” Her eyes widened.

“Yeah?” He cocked his head to the side.

She gasped. “Oh! You're Colby Brock!”

“I'm what?” He stammered.

“You're Colby, right?” She doubted for a second, “Or did I get that wrong?”

Colby jumped up out of his seat. “Oh my God, you know who I am! Wait, how do you know?”

“My one friend is a huge fan of you and Sam. She showed me you guys like a month ago.” She paused for a second, smirking. “She's actually really into you... Maybe I should call her.”

“Please do. I need to know if she knows who I am.” Colby pleaded, sitting back down.

The waitress followed him, sitting across from Colby. “Of course she does, she literally has you set as her wallpaper.”

She pulled out her phone, glancing around to make sure no one was watching her. She clicked on a contact, putting the phone on the table and clicking ‘Speaker’.

“Hello?” A voice broke in through the phone.

She grinned, staring up at Colby. “Hey Sara, you need to come down to the diner real quick.”

“What why?” Sara questioned.

“Colby Brock is here.” She announced.

Sara remarked. “...Who?”

“Colby Brock, the guy you're in love with.” She repeated.

“I have no idea who you're talking about. I've never heard that name before.” Sara denied.

“He's Sam Golbach's friend.” The waitress described.

Sara exclaimed. “Oh my God, is Sam there?! Because I’ll-”

She interjected. “No, he’s not.”

“Oh... then I don't want to come.” Sara recalled, “I've never heard Sam talk about a guy named Colby before.”

Colby swallowed the lump in his throat, his eyes falling off of the waitress’.

She fretted. “Okay then. I'll talk to you later.”

“Alright, bye.” Sara ended, hanging up the phone.

After a moment of silence, the waitress stated, “I'm sorry about that.”

“What's there to be sorry about?” Colby quavered.

The waitress scoffed suddenly. “Is this some kinda joke?”

“What?” He queried.

“Are you pulling a prank on me? Was Sara in on it? Because I’ll kill her if she met you and didn’t tell me.” She jeered jokingly.

Colby shook his head, deadpanning. “I haven’t met Sara, and I’m not pranking you.”

“How can I know if you’re lying or not?” She questioned, squinting her eyes.

“Google my name. Search me on any social media,” Colby suggested. “I don’t exist.”

“Okay…” She agreed.

The waitress quickly typed in his name into Google, coming up with no images that looked like him. None of his social media links came up either.

She gazed up at him slowly. “This is really weird.”

“You’re telling me.” Colby uttered, “No one remembers me.”

She blurted. “But I do.”

“Yeah… why is that?” He inquired.

“I-I don’t know.” She sputtered, confused. Then she jolted up from her seat instantly. “I-um, gotta go help out my other tables. Do you need me to give you some time to look over the menu?”

“Yes…” He continued, “But one other thing.”

“Sure.” She leaned in, her hands resting on the tabletop.

“Can you help me? Please?” Colby begged, lightly grabbing her hand.

She silently gasped, whispering, “How?”

“I don’t know. But I think you’re the only one that can.” Colby divulged.

The waitress stuttered, but no words fell from her lips.

He exhaled, staring into her eyes. “So, will you?”

| >>

[theashofwkm]

Y’all, I dreamed about Unus Annus last night.

It was pretty vivid, too, and I remember most of it which is unusual. I legit thought it was real for a sec when I woke up. I thought you’d like to hear about it.

It wasn’t new stuff, but old unreleased videos. I remember Ethan had his head shaved still in the first. It was obviously an vid Unus Annus vid they never posted. They didn’t explain any of it, it was just more Unus Annus videos (I got to see like three and I was so confused yet happy) and the fans were going wild, but we were all trying to binge the videos as they came out before they got deleted because none of us knew what was going on.

Those three videos were typical Unus Annus dumb stuff. It would’ve fit right in with the rest of them. Nothing seemed off, except the fact that Unus Annus was over. (the other two were taken later. Ethan’s hair was back in the other two, marks was getting longer)

Then there was like a fourth video.

The spiral background. Mark and Ethan in their suits. It is titled vita nova.

(this is paraphrased a bit as my memory is a tad foggy and I remember being in shock as I watched, but is mostly accurate. I did Google the spelling/meaning of the Latin because I didn’t hear that 100% (probs because I don’t know Latin.))

M: “you thought we were gone.”

E: “but here we remain.”

M: “we have another lesson to teach you. one that coincides [he nods] with death.”

E: “indeed. there is something else for you to learn. death is not always an end.”

[moment of silence, very very quiet ticking of a clock. it ticks three or so times then fades into silence]

M: “sometimes it is a beginning. a new life.”

[they look at each other, then back at us]

B: “carpe vivere.”

M: “-seize life.”

E: “sometimes you die,”

M: “and it’s a beginning.”

E: “but even this new life will end.”

M: “but this time, we don’t know when. it could be tomorrow.”

E: “it could be next year.”

M: “but it will end. and there will not be a third chance.”

E: “so live while you can. who knows how much time we have left together.”

B: “vita nova. optime vivat.”

[screen cuts to black. ticking sounds, but there is no clock. the video ends]

What. The. Heck. My brain is trying to sabotage me. I miss Unus Annus, yes, but I’m ok with it being over. Or I was.

I woke up and was like — ??? they came back?? why would they do that? ??? — just a lot of general confusion until I checked and the channel didn’t exist. Nothing did. I just sat in confusion for a sec. let Eli out. Then did this as I realized it was a dream.

It’s really strange how vivid it was and how well I remember it. Usually I only remember them pretty vaguely. There’s only one other dream I’ve had that I thought was real when I woke up. One.

I don’t even know what to think rn.

[staysuki]

CHAPTER 24 WAS FULL OF DRAMA LMAO

OKAY SO FIRST OF ALL - wtf jeongin AHHAHAHAA is this some kind of commission why did he say yes to literally everyone who asked him out 😭 like imagine going on a dance with him and he just says "oops youre time has run out, next in line please" out of nowhere 💀 im not saying i find light mode weird pero parang ganon na nga. all my apps are on dark mode xd on one boring afternoon i tried light mode just because and i think im alrdy 50% blind 👁️💧👄💧👁️

lol hyunjin dcurb mo ean but shes got a point, hyunjin told her to fuck off yet he initiated a chat to show his jealousy :"> well in his defense, hes confused af buT sTILL hyunjin hurt y/n so much by his words. aaaaaaa but aaaa puchaaaa bat aq kinikilig sa "what if you are" e hes the enemy rn 😠 lee know pakisundo po si y/n. blocking is indeed self-care 🥰 i love this y/n the best out of all the y/ns in your stories :>

--------------------- jajajsjajdjajdajsajdasjdsa---------------------

HAHAHAHAHA SELF-HIRED CUPID SEUNGMIN AT UR SERVICE 🙇🙏 HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA 😭 i mean is this even considered "cupid-ing"? hes literally just posing as y/n Y^Y and him complimenting himself as y/n is so funny HAHAHHA the chatting he used is even 1% close to how y/n texts 😭 unless she talks like that only to changbin huhu and how y/ns attitude changed so fast when the topic concerns seungmin breaking her phone 😭 and wow seungmin has a big problem :"< i think this will take a big turn later on,,,,,

I LOVE THE UPDATES TODAY <33333 ahha dick btw i am not professional at tumblr usage so im not sure if ur drafts will get deleted :<< and the app on my phone and ipad also is buggy, i thinks its just the update not sureee

ill be waiting for the experimental fic hehesz iM SORRY FOR SPOILING ,, ANYWAYS THE MV IS beautiful✨ WATCH IT IF YOU HAVE THE TIME 😩 the tattoos are really cuteeeee ,, and same if ever ill get one in the future, itd be smth related to their songs. i like the heart you made and the nice tattoo on your leg 😗 its rly cute and clean wow how were the other 12 mini tattoos you did? did it come out well?

SQUID GAME IS RLY RLY RLY GOOD but yes it will get more gory the longer you watch. i finished it alrdy and give it a 1000/10 ,, tho its bc i like watching stuff like those jfsbfas you think youll be able to finish it?

BTW CONGRATS EHALOJ IS GETTING MORE RECOGNITION NOW, I JUST REALIZED. you deserver it ash <333

- bs

indeed, i loved that update too 😤 though i think the final two updates are also chef’s kiss 🤌🤌🤌 and i’m excited to put those out.

playboy jeongin, maknae on top feelsz si mamser 😩. di siya papatalo sa harem ni y/n JSHWJSHSHS. dating speedrun vibes.

also i’m 100% on team dark mode as well but sometimes i miss light mode idk why 😩 plus i’m too lazy to label the diff perspectives so like, i’ll just do it by colour. YHAM kim seungmin def feels like a lightmode boi anyways 🤔🤔🤔

everyone hatin on hyunjin rn but its true, he’s v v confused and clueless about everything and he’s siding with yeji bc #family ahu 👉😔👈. “he’s the enemy rn” PLSSS. kiliq sana dun sa line if only nasend errr 💔. lee know-shii talaguh? what about seungmin and felix, they are also contenders 😩🤌. and also ty :,>>> i like her too, she’s very chill and mellow but not a pushover ifykwim. dun sa kim seungmin fic i’m going for the more suplada y/n route so let’s hope i can write that well :(((((

SELF PROCLAIMED CUPID THAT’S UNWANTED 😭💔 poor y/n. seungmin’s flirting game (as y/n) kinda weak 😩 and yes he can’t help that jokingly egoistic self compliment na super out of place JSHWJSHSHS. and yes, y/n def doesn’t talk like that but changbin isn’t that close to her so he hasn’t noticed yet 🤔🤔🤔 i wonder how that’ll go. seungmin is a menace™️ but also he’s a poor boy 💔💔💔💔. we stan #seungminperalta.

thank uuu <333 dick i loved it as well :(((( im probs gonna try save some of my drafts then try to redownload the app cuz its getting harder to use na 💔💔💔 esp with the pictures and see more text huhu.

imma write it once i get inspo or else it’s gonna be just a full-on 500 word drabble 😭. and its okay! i watched in na cuz i can no longer avoid the spoilies on tumblr. the song is so good :((( and letse akala ko naman sexy floor dance, parang yung sa back door movings lang pala 😭 either way seungmin still looking fine af. my boy finally getting the solo screentime he deserves 🤌🤌🤌🤌.

thank u for the tats compliment i worked hard on them :,)))) the others are a bit messy but i’ll be fixing them over the course of the week and i’ll post pics once it’s cleaner looking. i’m proud of the ones that i used my non-dominant hand to make hehe, multitalented queen shit 😩. i’m semi-ambidextrous but i didn’t think i can tattoo with my left hand, super amazing discovery, will flex.

i’ll be taking a long time in finishing it but i’m writing comments every time there’s a good scene just to keep my attention. i’m trying to overcome my gore problem as well but i rly cant handle looking at the screen when the killing scenes come up 😩.

AND THANK U OMG!! i’m also surprised that so many people are liking it 🥺🥺🥺 this is a picture of my notes (masterlist) back when i just started-ish the fic in june:

back then i was already like “omg theres so many people, let me list them down so i don’t forget them” and now theres even more!!!! so amazing honestly, it’s a good thing EHALOJ will be continuing for a long time :,))) i can’t wait to show everyone the different arcs hehe.

[jjkfire]

i miss writing so much! read through some of my yet to be finished updates and i just want to have the time to finish them ): anyway tldr is life has been crazy but uhh happy early lunar new year! here’s a short preview of navy... a rather big scene which i think is funny in its own way lol. there’s no context because it’s a snippet but imagine this fight actually playing out... as in have you ever fought with someone and when it’s all over you’re like that was stupidly hilarious! yes, that’s the mood for this one aha. also will probs delete this later because i am posting on impulse lmao

“Huh, so that’s why they went unanswered?” Jungkook asks, but he isn’t exactly expecting a reply because the whole situation was just insanely ridiculous to him. There’s a beat of silence, maybe two and then he just bursts out into sudden laughter. Nobody says anything as he guffaws to himself with his eyes shut because for some reason, his laughter is terrifying. It’s loud, almost forced and quite honestly, you’re scared.

“This is just too funny,” He shakes his head before he cards his fingers through his hair in frustration. “So, all this time my letters were— a-and all these years— I mean all of this is just too funny.”

He’s not completing his sentences and you don’t understand why. He says it’s funny but he’s quite obviously angry. No, not just angry but furious. You’ve never seen him like this in all the years you’ve known him.

“What… what letters?” You manage to ask, and at that Jungkook just laughs through his nose, once again shaking his head.

The room is silent and it feels like you’re the only one who isn’t in on the joke. Though, the joke seems to be a very terrible one considering everyone has some sort of uncomfortable look on their face.

“I sent you letters when I moved to Seoul. If I remember correctly, five of them—”

“Six, actually,” Your mother mumbles but Jungkook’s piercing gaze tells her she shouldn’t speak anymore.

“I sent you six letters,” He emphasizes the number. “You didn’t send me any emails so I sent you letters hoping you would—"

“What are you talking about? I sent you emails! You didn’t reply to any of them.”

“Come on, Y/N. You never sent me anything.” He says it rather nonchalantly, but it sounds like an accusation to you. Oh, now you were furious too.

“I did! I sent it to kookster and you never replied!” You grumble, the anger you’ve been holding in all these years spilling out. “k-o-o-k-s-t-e-r was your email and I sent you dozens of them and you never replied!” You shout, hands balled into fists as you spelled out his childhood email account.

“That isn’t my email and you know it!” He shouts in return. “You sent that song to my email so don’t even try to weasel your way out of this one.”

“Yeah, I sent that song to the kookster email so what are you—”

“There’s a z! kooksterz, with a z!” He interrupts, now his hands busy with his phone as he furiously scrolls through his email. “Y/N, you know this. Look, if you want to lie at least try to be convincing, won’t you?” He asks, while he slams his phone on the table, his finger shaking with anger as he points to the email address on the top.

You hear a muffled laugh from one of the ladies and although you were angry, you almost felt like laughing too. This whole situation seemed ridiculous.

“This isn’t… I mean I— I swear,” You squint at the email with eyebrows pinched together in confusion. It’s the one you sent with the busanbeats account you had made on a whim. It was addressed to kooksterz, that is with a z as Jungkook has reiterated and you didn’t understand how because— oh wait. You bolt upright the moment it hits you. It was all coming back to you, the shattered pieces of your drunken memory.

That night you had downed multiple bottles of soju and when you finished up the song you deliberated if there was a z in Jungkook’s email. At the time, you couldn’t quite remember what his email was but it just seemed very likely that Jungkook would’ve added the z given that it had been in trend to do that when the two of you were kids, and so that’s what you went with.

Why then were you so adamant back when you were a teen that his email was— oh, you remember now.

“Y-your mother. I asked her back then if I had your email right. She said it was right. K-o-o-k-s-t-e-r, no z…”

“Wait—” His mother panics, hands flailing in the air. “Don’t drag me into this I… I wouldn’t have lied! I had no reason to! I just reiterated to you what he told me on the phone. I must have it written down somewhere in our old phone book.”

“But Jungkook I—”

The chair screeches when Jungkook rises to his feet. The arguing ceases as he pockets his phone and smooths down the front of his shirt.

“This is just— I mean, this is hilarious!” He exclaims, shaking his head. It was all he seemed to be able to do in response to all that he had heard. “I need to take a walk,” He finally says after he takes a final look around the room.

Just like that, he was gone and you were left sitting there, dumbfounded. It was just so much to take in and all you could do was laugh to yourself. Your mother, Jungkook’s mother and all the ladies were talking over each other, trying to explain it all to you but, you couldn’t seem to process any of it.

“I’m uhh, I’m going to go check on Jungkook,” You say suddenly before you got out of your seat, in a quieter manner compared to Jungkook and with a few steps, you were out the front door.

//

and before you think it’s like cliche just you wait lol. this next part, it ends before it gets there but if you’re asian... do you know typical aunty behaviour? that’s what happened. like all the aunties will gather and they will all share one braincell.

//

The first time your mother saw the letter in the mailbox, she thought it had come from her rather eccentric cousin from Seoul. When you were young, you were the only one who would listen to his weird stories. Uncle Fancy, was the nickname you had decided on and he loved it. It was some sort of bond the two of you had and who was your mother to stop that. Every once in a while, he would send lengthy letters from Seoul with a few pictures attached. They were never regular photos, they were rather avant-garde. Some of them bordered on nudity, other times drug use was involved. He wanted to tell real stories through pictures he had said. Your mother obviously wasn’t pleased with this. He also had godawful handwriting. She was not quite sure how the mailman could ever decipher the address he wrote on the front. So, when she saw that rather thick envelope in the mail addressed to you with rather terrible handwriting on the front, she just called out saying “Uncle Fancy sent you a letter.” You grimaced upon hearing that. The last letter he sent quite honestly scared you a little. The pictures were weird, the stories he wrote even weirder. You weren’t quite sure you wanted to subject yourself to that again. “Umm, you can throw it out…” You mumble. “If he asks, just tell him we never got it… please?” Your mother agrees to that, simply placing it in the drawer for the time being before she threw it out.

But, then came another, and a week later, another. It was weird. He never usually sent so many. He said his photography was a work of art, that it took time. It was so odd that he was sending letters so frequently. When the fifth one came in, curiosity got the better of her and she finds herself opening up the letter.

Dear Y/N,

It’s Jungkook! Maybe my other letters got lost in the mail—

 Dear Y/N,

 Oh my god. Your mother panics. Pulling the drawer open with such force that it almost comes out. She opens one of the old letters.

Jungkook here! I —

Your mother gasps, quickly ripping the next letter open

Dear Y/N,

Hello! This is Jungkook

Oh god, oh god, oh god. This next letter, it can’t—

Dear Y/N,

Jungkook ag—

 She stuffs all the letters into the drawer at the sound of someone coming down the stairs. Oh my god, is all she can think.

By now, you’ve openly ranted about how much you hated the boy. You didn’t even want your mother to say his name in the house. So, when she tried to bring up the letters, you wouldn’t even let her complete the sentence. She started the sentence with Jungkook and that’s as far as she got. It seemed like you had a separate fight with him. You were shouting on the phone just the other day and she pretty much thought it was Jungkook you were talking to. Nobody else ever got to your emotions the way the boy did. Perhaps you had a crush on him or that he was your best friend and you felt abandoned, your mother couldn’t really tell. All she knew was that you really hated him now. So, she keeps those letters in the drawer, unsure what to do with them. Perhaps, she’ll bring them up again once you’ve calmed down.

[captainrogers-ass]

Save Me - Chapter 9

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader, multiple MCU characters

Word Count: 4055

Summary: Y/N has finally landed her dream job as a lifeguard on Midgard Beach, but how well will she fit in with the team and how will she cope after grabbing the attention of the blue-eyed Captain?

***Masterlist***

A/N: Ok so I’ll be honest I’m not 100% happy with this chapter but it’s probs the best it’s gonna get. This is the second last chapter and I’m actually getting hell sad that this AU is coming to an end cause it’s been a blast to write. I hope you all enjoy and feedback is always appreciated xxx

You could tell something was wrong as soon as you had woken the next day. Having sent a message to Steve asking to talk you had watched on as he had read the message, began to type a reply, before deleting his words and becoming inactive. Later that day you had tried to call him only to be met with his voicemail.

The weekend had dragged on as your messages to Steve remained unopened. After having given up after several attempts to get in contact with the blonde haired man you tried to busy yourself by running errands; buying groceries, visiting your parents and going for numerous runs.

As Monday had rolled around you had half expected for the Captain to not show up for work, your predictions proven wrong as he had strolled through the door, earphones plugged tightly into his ears with his gaze locked on the floor. Bucky was the first to notice something was off, nudging at Sam before gesturing in the direction of Steve who was silently putting his bag away. The two men shared a look of confusion.

You ripped your gaze away from him as you turned back to the conversation you had been having with Thor and Bruce, trying your hardest to push the pain you were feeling away from your mind. Feeling his gaze on you you fought the urge the look at him.

Throughout the week it became obvious that Steve was avoiding you, always making sure that he was with a group of his colleagues so you couldn’t pry him away, as you tried to so many times in your desperate search for answers regarding his cold treatment towards you. His eyes were always staring anywhere but on you, obviously going out of his way to avoid eye contact. You had even tried talking to him in the carpark after your shift, Steve quickly bringing his bike to life, revving the engine loudly to drown out your calls, before driving off without a word.

As the week had gone by the team had become increasingly aware that something was off with their Captain and that it somehow involved you. No one had outright asked you about it but you could hear the whispers that were said behind you back, quickly hushed whenever you walked into a room.

By Thursday you had given up all hope in finding out what was wrong with Steve, resolving to let him avoid you if that was what he so wished to do.

You weren’t going to lie to yourself; your heart felt as if it had been torn in two. Seeing him act so distant and go to great lengths to avoid being in the same room as you plummeted your self esteem to an all time low. The two of you had become extremely close over your time working together, an extreme contrast to Steve’s current behaviour towards you. You prided yourself on being a bubbly and bright person but now you could barely hold back the tears that were seemingly always threatening to spill over from your eyes.

The kiss you had shared replayed throughout your mind constantly throughout the week, it’s never-ending loop driving you crazy as you analysed every aspect of the night wondering where you went wrong. Shaking your head with force you dispelled those thoughts from your head.

I did nothing wrong, you angrily thought to yourself. It’s him, not me.

Nevertheless the loop restarted in your mind, highlighting just how happy you had been in Steve’s embrace. The unshed tears came back, this time with a vengeance as they violently threatened to spill from your eyes.

“I’ll meet you in the shed, Tony!” You called out to your partner for the day. “I’m just gonna run to the bathroom.”

The tears had started to fall before you had even opened the door.

You let them fall freely down your face as you rushed to a cubicle, closing the door quickly behind you before falling onto the toilet. Your hands came up to cup your face, the tears streaming down your wrists as you cried quietly.

Fuck him, you thought to yourself as you wiped away the tears only for more to flood your cheeks.

Fuck him for kissing me. Fuck him for making me think that he liked me. Fuck him for treating me like I don’t exist. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him.

You didn’t know how long you had been sitting on the toilet throwing silent curses into the air before a knock came from the bathroom door. Sitting up you bolted out of the cubicle, your hands frantically coming up to wipe at your tear stained face.

The door opened slightly, Tony’s familiar face poking through.

“Y/N?” He asked, concern written across his features. “Are you okay?”

You plastered the fakest smile across your face, going up to the sink as you washed your hands.

“Oh, Tony. Sorry, did I take too long?” The smile remained glued to your features as your colleague opened the door fully, stepping in before closing the door behind him.

“What’s wrong gorgeous?” He asked softly, having clearly noticed your puffy cheeks and tear stained eyes.

As you heard the gentleness in his voice your facade instantly broke, the tears returning to your face once more. Without another word Tony engulfed you in a fierce hug, leading you over to the change room bench as he sat you down.

“It’s okay,” he cooed, holding you as you sobbed into his shirt. “Is it something to do with Steve?”

You nodded into his shoulder, not trusting your voice enough to speak.

“Is he being a dick?”

You nodded once more, smiling slightly at Tony’s crude words.

The two of you remained like that for quite some time, his hold on you never once faltering as you emptied your emotions onto him. You only pulled away after you had calmed down, wiping away one last stray tear as it rolled down your cheek.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Tony asked, his voice remaining soft and gentle.

Before you had time to think your mouth began spewing what had happened, obviously eager to voice the hurt feelings that had been pent up in your body all week. You hadn’t even confided in Natasha or Wanda, having decided to face this pain alone. He sat motionless in front of you, his focus never once leaving you as he listened intently.

“I don’t even know why I’m crying so much,” you continued, having told Tony the whole story of what had happened after the party. “I’ve never cried this much over anyone. I hate crying, it makes me feel so weak.”

“First of all you’re not weak for crying. I’ve noticed how Rogers has been treating you all week and I’m absolutely furious about it. Secondly - and correct me if I’m wrong - but, to me, it sounds like the kiss was spontaneous, like he didn’t plan for it to happen.”

Tony quickly corrected himself as he saw your face fall.

“No-no-no, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m saying that it was an in-the-moment event. I know the Cap. He’s the kind of guy that likes to have everything planned. I think that his emotions finally just boiled over and he kissed you without thinking. I bet you money that the reason he’s being such a dick is because he doesn’t know what to do. He didn’t plan for the kiss to happen so he definitely hasn’t planned for what comes after.”

“Tony, where are you? Why aren’t you in position?” The Captain’s voice filled the bathroom from the comm attached to Tony’s waist. The dark-haired man whipped it into his hand before replying with a certain viciousness in his tone.

“Back off Cap, I’m dealing with something.”

He turned your face so that you were looking directly into his eyes.

“He’s being a coward Y/N,” he said with a serious tone. “He doesn’t know what to do so he’s avoiding the situation all together. Don’t let his struggles burden you. He’s obviously got stuff he needs to figure out and you dwelling on him will only hurt you more.”

You nodded as you listened to his words, your confidence growing by the second.

“So do you know what we’re gonna do?” Tony stood from his spot, dragging you with him. “We’re going to walk out that door, save some lives and look good doing it.”

You engulfed him in a hug before he wrapped your arm in his, sauntering out the door with confidence in every step.

***

The rest of the day only got better from their. You and Tony were constantly joking around whilst on patrol, the older man blasting out music from his phone as you sang along badly. Wanda and Natasha insisted on taking you for lunch at The Black Panther, having noticed something was off and wanting to help out in any way. Pietro had joined you, lifting your mood higher, clutching your stomach as you laughed uncontrollably when he had started dramatically gossiping about his coworkers, telling you a story about how he had ‘accidentally’ spilled a bottle of whiskey all over an annoying coworker.

Having returned to the tower early you draped yourself across the couch, joining in on the conversation your coworkers were having. Steve was sat directly across from you, listening to his teammates speak but never once joining in. You laughed at one of Thor’s jokes, Steve’s gaze lifting from the floor to stare at your smiling features. The heat from his stare caught your attention immediately but you refrained from looking back at him, trying instead to regain your focus back onto the conversation.

You could tell that each of your coworkers were slowly catching on to the tension that had arisen between you and Steve as they glanced back and forth between the two of you for the rest of the day. Brushing it off you focussed your attention on your job, getting back to work as the sun began its slow descent.

Tony drove the buggy expertly through the sand, weaving in and out of the remaining beach-goers as he made his way back up the ramp and parked just outside the storage shed. The two of you got to work, untying the paddle boards from where they rested in the tray on the back of the cars. You had just plugged the hose into the tap, readying it to wash the sand and salt off of the boards, when a second buggy made its way up the ramp. Natasha and Steve were sitting inside, clearly arguing about something.

You watched on as Natasha brought her hand up to smack the larger man on the back of his head, Steve whipping his head back to say something to her before Tony cleared his throat, catching their attention. As their eyes rested on you they both immediately closed their mouths, Natasha flashing you a wide grin.

You rolled your eyes as you got back to work, the last buggy making its way up the ramp before Bruce and Thor exited, joining the rest of you as you packed up for the day.

***

“Surely someone comes surfing with me,” you whined as you addressed your colleagues, all of them packing their bags at their lockers.

“Sorry gorgeous,” Tony responded, looking over at you apologetically. “Pepper’s cooking dinner tonight and I promised her I’d come home early.”

“I can’t either Y/N,” Natasha added. “I’m babysitting Clint’s kids tonight.”

You listened as each of your colleagues provided you with their excuses, each one looking back at you with an apologetic smile on their faces. Steve was the only one who didn’t respond, packing his bag hastily as he flew out the door without a word.

“Fine, you can all ditch me. Although I’m not convinced by half of your excuses,” you replied jokingly, smiling as you packed the last item into your bag.

After everyone was ready to go the team, minus Steve, left the tower together. You said your goodbyes as you parted ways, the rest of the team heading for the carpark as you headed down the steps towards the storage room where your board was situated.

You basked in the warm heat that washed over you from the setting sun, admiring the golden ocean as you walked. However your attention was soon distracted as you passed by the gym, surprised to see that the roller door was opened. Glancing inside your eyes were met by the tense figure of Steve, his back towards you as he punched violently at the punching bag at the back of the room.

You found that your feet had stopped in their movements as your eyes trailed up and down his figure. The tight shirt he was wearing did nothing to hide the movements of his back muscles, tense and outlined perfectly by the thin fabric. His hands were covered in boxing wraps, used to protect his wrists as he attacked the bag in front of him. He was angry, you could tell, watching on as he violently hailed punch after punch, his chest rising and falling deeply as sweat streamed off of him.

You were brought out of your daze when Steve finally stopped his assault, turning around to grab the towel and water bottle that lay on the bench behind him. His eyes met yours briefly as your legs sprang back into motion, quickly walking away as you made your way to the storage shed.

You could feel his eyes on you as you made your way down the beach, board now in hand. You indulged in your urge to turn around and meet his gaze, finding him leaning against one of the stone pillars that lined the edge of sand, his water bottle brought up to his mouth as he took a swig.

The water was cold as you waded through the liquid, placing your board in the water next to you and mounting it after you had gotten deep enough. Paddling forward you shoved the board under the water as you dove under an oncoming wave. Your eyes surveyed the horizon as you pushed yourself up, your legs straddling either side of the board as you assessed the ocean around you, waiting patiently.

You would be lying if you said your mind wasn’t distracted, the image of Steve’s tense and sweaty form filling your mind. Shaking your head you tried to rid yourself of the image as you turned your board around, paddling forward as a large wave began to form behind you.

Just after you had popped up from your board, your legs finding their place as you crouched down, the image of Steve came back into your head with a vengeance, catching you off guard. Your balance was instantly thrown off resulting in you tumbling from your board, landing in the water beside you.

You didn’t resurface immediately as you glanced around you, basking in the silence that the water provided. It was incredibly serene under the water as you lost track of time, replaying Tony’s words in your head. The burning in your lungs notified you that your lack of oxygen intake was an imminent threat. Reluctantly you pushed yourself upwards, gasping as you resurfaced before mounting your board once more.

Determined to not let Steve ruin any more of your day, you threw the image from your mind, focusing solely on the ocean around you.

***

You only reluctantly emerged from the water after the sun had fully gone down, taking with it the light you needed. The sand clung to your wet form as you made your way back up the beach, washing down your board before replacing it back into its position in the shed. The roller door that led to the gym was now closed, a sigh of relief escaping your lips at the knowledge that you wouldn’t have to see Steve again.

Your relief was soon quashed however as you opened the door to the showers, the sound of water and the sight of steam indicating that Steve hadn’t gone home quite yet as you had hoped. The want to slip out unnoticed was soon crushed as Steve’s eyes found yours as you hesitated by the door. You debated what to do, reluctant to spend your shower next to a man that had considerably hurt you but unwilling to stoop down to his level by ignoring him if you retreated.

I’m better than that, you thought to yourself.

Standing up straighter you made your way into the room, walking over to the shower that was two down from Steve’s, not glancing at him once. Turning the water on you waited for it to heat up, the steam rising from your shower mixing with the steam rising from Steve’s.

His eyes remained on you for the duration of your shower, burning a hole into your back as you turned away from him. You hastily ran your hands over you body, riding yourself of the sand that had embedded itself into your skin, eager to leave his presence as fast as possible. Your hand was just about to shut off the stream of water when a voice filled the room.

“Y/N.”

You closed your eyes as his voice filled your ears, sounding as if he was pleading with you and croaking slightly from lack of use.

Without thinking you whipped your body around and stormed towards him, your hand coming up as you slapped it across his cheek. His eyes went wide as a shocked expression filled his face, his mouth opening as if to speak but no words coming out. You barely noticed as the water from Steve’s shower began to roll over you, too infuriated to care.

“No,” was all you said as you glared up at him, anger slowly rising within you. He stayed silent, allowing you to speak.

“No. You don’t get to pick and choose when you want to acknowledge my existence.” His eyes grew sad as he listened to your words.

“Y/N, I-” he began before you cut him off.

“Shut up.” His mouth immediately closed. “You have absolutely no right to kiss me and then avoid me like the plague. It’s rude, it’s insulting and it’s cowardice. I tried all week to talk to you about it but you ran away like a scared little girl. I get it if you don’t like me, that’s fine. We were both tipsy so I don’t really blame you. I’m an adult, I can handle rejection. But the least you can do is communicate that with me. I’m not a mind reader Steve; I can’t predict your thoughts. I’m over you pretending you can’t hear me or physically running away when I walk into a room. The only reason I’m here is to do my job, so go ahead, ignore me until your hearts content.”

By now you had backed the large man into the wall, his eyes never leaving yours as he listened intently, never once cutting you off. Yours eyes went wide with surprise as one of his hands reached out to grab onto yours, the other coming up to gently cup your face. He was so gentle that you could barely feel his touch, your mind telling you to pull away but your body remaining rooted. Steve’s heart broke slightly as he felt you tense immediately at his touch.

“I fucked up.” His blunt words shocked you slightly. His voice was soft, contrasting vastly with the angered tone you had used to berate him.

“When I kissed you it was like the whole world had disappeared and I had found everything I could ever want. I’ll be honest that it scared me. I didn’t know what to do. If Fury found out I could’ve lost my captaincy. I didn’t know what would happen and you’re right, I was being a coward.”

He took a breath before continuing, “So I ran. I avoided your texts and calls all weekend and I thought I could do it. It was easy to decline calls. What wasn’t easy was seeing you. As soon as I saw you on Monday my plan went out the window and before I knew it I’d scheduled a meeting with Fury.”

You stared at him in shock as he proceeded to tell you the lengths he had gone to to talk to Fury throughout the week; setting up meetings every day, constantly pestering him with emails, leaving constant messages with Fury’s secretary. He even got the head of human resources, Maria Hill, involved in the process, talking back and forth until she relented and confided that, although it was frowned upon and warned against, there were no explicit rules to a Captain dating their employee. After being harassed for several days Fury also came around. He wouldn’t strip Steve of his position as Captain (“For now,” he had emphasised) as long as he could maintain an unbiased rule.

“I don’t really give a damn who you date Cap,” Fury had stated as Steve remained silent in the chair adjacent.

“What I care about is you getting distracted on the job. I’ll allow it for now cause I’m sick of seeing your face in my office, but if I hear that someones died on your watch cause you’re too busy making heart eyes with Y/N I’ll fire the both of you.” His words were stern and severe but Steve could hardly mask the smile that threatened to erupt onto his face.

You listened to him, not daring to say a word, your mind trying to process all he was saying. However, many of your questions still remained unanswered.

“So you do like me?” You asked hesitantly, doubting the man in front of you.

“Yes,” Steve responded resolutely, not hesitating for a second in his response.

“And why were you incapable of communicating all of this?” You still weren’t fully convinced of the mans motives.

“That’s where I fucked up,” he admitted, flicking his eyes to the floor in embarrassment. “I couldn’t ask you out straight away since I had to sort everything with Fury. I was scared that Fury would say no and I didn’t want to get your hopes up if I told you about it. So I tried to avoid the topic but then that somehow turned into ignoring you all together.”

Steve paused slightly before he began talking at a rapid pace.

“But then I realised that I’d hurt you and then everyone was mad at me and I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to fix things and I was scared that I’d fucked everything up and I wanted to talk to you but I didn’t know what to say so I told Nat about everything but she just called me a twat and said I was stupid and-”

You ceased his talking as you crashed your lips onto his, catching him off guard. He hesitated for a few seconds before easing his tense muscles, deepening the kiss as you opened your mouth up to him. The water that was still spraying over the two of you dripped from your foreheads and mingled in between your mouths, your hands coming up to run through Steve’s wet hair. He moved his hands down your body, resting them on your waist as he pulled you closer towards him.

After several minutes of your mouths fighting for dominance you pulled away reluctantly, your eyes being drawn to Steve’s lips which were now red and puffy. He smiled down at you, his eyes shining with happiness as his hands remained firmly on your waist.

“You’re not off the hook, Rogers,” you stated sternly, watching as he nodded back in understanding.

“Let me try and make it up to you,” he stated pleadingly. You raised an eyebrow questioningly, motioning for him to continue.

“How about I take you for dinner tomorrow night?”

You paused to think, teasing him as he eagerly waited for your response.

“Alright,” you finally replied, looking up at the man in front of you.

His smile somehow grew bigger causing your heart to flutter.

[starryrogue]

Hey. Below the cut is a LONG (2 page google docs) rant on being a gay sff book fan and the intersection of being a gay man in m/m spaces and book stuff. Just me ranting into the internet void. probs gonna delete this later so dont reblog/ or @ me or w/e

Before I get started, a disclaimer. This is a series of observations and rants based on my lived experience as a gay man in book and fan spaces. This isn't a formal critique or callout or call for action. Just an expression of confusion, frustration and desire. This isn’t me trying to dictate who can read and write and express m/m fiction. This isn't me saying “How dare women find enjoyment in things” since shaming women for “liking thing” is a long and complicated history. None of this has been checked for numbers and stats. There are a lot of generalizations below. There are probably more lgbt people engaging than I perceive. THERE IS A LOT OF GENERALIZING. This isnt an argument or formal essay.   I emphasize, this is me, a gay man, ranting and reflecting on my experience. Now that we have that out of the way

On a fundamental level, M/M book spaces are predominantly women filled. Starting at the top of the process, authors (check goodreads), Publishing (my industry and the results of a recent survey showing employment stats in publishing), Readers and engagement (harder to say stat wise but checking goodreads comments), and Fandom (more just a lived experience) are mostly women . So as a Gay Dude its confusing. On one hand, I feel kind of if I'm entering a space not meant for me, a man entering a women’s. But on the other hand my identity is the subject of so much work, both properly published and fanwork. Is this a space I can enter? 

Why is this the case? Why are women writing about this? Why is it finding an audience with other women? Is it a result of all of the above aspects just being woman heavy and it's a statistical result that most genre fiction being written/read by women? Fandom, shipping and M/M zines and fic are historically not led by men? Why? At the inception of fan culture, were there gay men engaging in shipping and using that as an avenue to explore male sexuality? Why have I only heard of fandom moms and not dads? 

Please read none of these as acuistory. I am generally inquisitive and would like an answer with historical context and data. Again, it's hard finding a balance between being a man commenting/genrailizing on a genre/hobby predominaltey for women and also being gay and wanting to engage in M/M content since again, its part of my identity being reprisented and commented on. Obviously not all the people i'm generalizing are straight, or cis. There are probably a lot of wlw, trans and nb people in these circles but I can't imagine it's the majority.I’m worried this might come off as misogynistic?

But then comes the real life scenario where I go to Scifi/fantasy book events that feature mlm leads and relationships and at a glance) I’m like one of 3 guys in a room of straight women? (again, generalizing) and I think, “why are y’all here? I'm here b/c I’m gay, and this book is gay? What are you getting out of this relationship? Where are my Gay SFF bros?”

A lot of YA SFF M/M content seems to be coming from author moving out of fan spaces, using fic as a way to practice their craft. Is this an equivalent of stright bro enjoying lesbian porn? Maybe not in YA SFF but BL/Yaoi has alway been pretty for women, by women? What about all the Mass Market romance? Straight up romance and smut between guys? Is it enjoyable b/c its two dudes making out and the author and audience are attracted to men so why not make it two men? Is it the “cultural taboo” around gayness that makes it hot? In all fairness I’ve only read 2 or 3 Mass Market/Ebook gay romances and they were Okay (like 7/10ish?) but that's not a good sample size. Again, why are women/ straight or otherwise getting to depict and dominate a market about gay men? I really suspect that women who are into men drastically out number MLM and also women being into men has been less stigmatized (Generally) than men depicting gay romance and sex. 

I wrote a post about being a gay man and liking love between men for a masculine. A kind or romance and intimacy seeped in masculinity kind of  thing and a lot the likes I got (or could identify) were women. As a gay dude i want to intereact with other MLM about M/M media since like this is suppsoed to be depiciting our kind of sex and romance but it hard to find any? (I'm not looking craaaazy hard but it's frustrating that its not a default) but where are the mlm talking about gay relationships on tumblr and goodreads?

I’m not trying to dictate who can write and read and publish this stuff. It's just isolating. There are a couple things I could go on about like depictions of mlm in shipping culture or like why all the top Tapas comics are BL but I think that's a separate issue. 

And now for some content rant 

As far as canon m/m content in books, up until recently it came in 3 flavors. Literary Tragedy, YA coming out Angst, and Mass Market Romance. Comics are a little better but not by much. Growing up I had like Magnus/Alec in that C.Claire series and Wallace Wells from Scott Pilgram and I think that was it. There has been a recent move in Sci-fi Fantasy (SFF) to be more diverse but generally its a lot of YA with a little less coming out angst. All my faves are still genreally written by women but I think the queer women and NB authors do it best IMO. 

I love SFF, but also I’m an adult so I am aging out of YA. Also YA coming out stuff especially contemporary is an easy way to get me anxious AF. Long story short, being a gay teen is tough and Id preferer not to relive coming out. I wish I had things like Carry On and How to repair a Mechanical Heart as a teen, but alas, I did not. Not that these books have no value, just there is still a gap in the market fot gay adult genre fiction(also why are straight women depicting coming out stories? Altruism?)

Give me that adult genre fiction with a gay romance b-plot please. (shout out to TOR for being market leaders but i need to do a deeper dive into indie presses). Shout out to things like Witchmark and Amberlough and The Last Sun. All great SFF stories in other worlds and full of magic and plot but also, dudes kissing. The one thing is gay authors have a tendecy to make thier books have darker topics like abuse, sexual assult/rape, homophonia, hard core drugs and violence, which i’m not going to deny. Let authors navigate the waers of gay culture in thier art. But I just want to read things like Juno Steel, queer AF but none of the homophbia and trauma attached. These asks are purely self interested, but I know there is a market for it.

(Also, there is this weird trend of Homophobia-Lite ™ where we arnt going to have the characters be bullied or outed or beaten/disowned but they need to “grow up” and get wives and families. Which on one hand is not great but on the other hand I like the way it reflects the lived experience of being ashmaed of your secuality but without the harsher traumas of the world. Its like me being gay in NYC in an artsy inudsrty. No one realy cares I’m gay and out but there are still little things that give me pause and some shame b/c interlized homophbia is a think. I think the SFF book makes it the best of both worlds of exploring homophobia without the darker themes. Ok end sidebar)

I have more thoughts on podcast content and fan spaces/shipping culture but this rant is already long. So I’ll leave it here. 

Probs gonna delete this after a day or 2. This was mostly an exercise for screaming into the void at some gay nerd frustrations. This rant is not without flaws or critique. But again, just a rant. A gay dudes nerdy rant about fantasy books. 

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

Persona 5 Questions: How old is Goro’s phone?

I’ll make this a new series, where it’s not really....a “Persona Problem” (those are more at addressing problems in a sense) inherently but it’s more aimed at a “mystery” of unanswered questions in the series....and trying to reconcile it...I mean the two posts series might overlap at times tho but if that’s the case they’ll I’ll just make it a PP (P3 ex: what’s Aigis’ birthday? oh ho ho trust me it’s a bit....more complicated than you think ;w; you can look at my meltdown in the tags for more info)

So I was remembering the scene from when Futaba.....”hacks” his phone. And it raises a few questions for me. When she grabs it she says “that’s the one I wanted!” Which is pretty innocent except.....it makes me wonder a few things, so let’s create two scenarios. Scenario 1: It’s an older phone from around year 2013. Scenario 2: It’s a recent phone (aka one in 2016).

Scenario 1: It’s an old phone from around 2013, aka about the time Goro first got his powers. So here are my questions:

Orphan 15-16ish year old Goro had a smartphone that a techie like Futaba would be “interested” in prior to obtaining powers or becoming famous. A smartphone so coveted that it wouldn’t raise suspicions for him if someone grabbed it from him. (this part isn’t a big issue for me, but I feel like I should list it juuuuust in case to cover my bases and gives the best frame to what I’m trying to ask, this one is probably the most do-able/plausible)

He’s not suspicious of Futaba geeking out over a 3 year old phone (I dunno, considering how fast tech improves, I’d be wondering why she’d want my dinky ass phone). 

If that is the only MetaNav phone Shido has access to, cause of Goro, why is he so hell bent on killing the kid and thinking he can still use the world even after offing Goro

By it being old it means the app can’t be transferred to another phone and the person NEEDS THE ORIGINAL PHONE to go to the metaverse

Scenario 2: Recent phone, makes more sense for Futaba to be geeking out about the phone but....

What about the MetaNav? 

Did it just transfer to the new phone (aka he still only has one phone with the meta nave)? So that means the app can magically transfer to a new phone if you need it

And if that’s the case, like I said Goro should be suspicious of Futaba (if you need reasons why I’ll make a different post about it), why wouldn’t he just......get a new phone he knows Futaba never touched and not worry about not having said App?

Or does Goro have a 2nd phone with the MetaNav on it 

(and if so does that mean this thing can be replicated? I mean it was created by Yaldy so he can do whatever with it and can just keep putting the app on new phones....I mean he does reinstall the app after the MC deletes it so....yeah.....maybe he just let’s one person have multiple ones or maybe he deletes it/reinstalls it on a new phone if/when someone gets a new phone) But is this why Shido is sooooooo chill with killing his golden goose? Cause he has other’s stashed away? 

And if so why the fudge don’t we have more people strutting about in the Metaverse?)

So we’re stuck with some issues with each scenario. If the phone was older it might explain that the app can’t be transferred and thus Goro must hold onto that phone (and makes it understandable why he wouldn’t ditch it even after Futaba put her hands on it), but it should raise his suspicions of Futaba geeking out (I mean he should already be hella suspicious ALREADY but to add to it), and it also makes Shido look really dumb and makes his whole “I’mma kill the one person who can go into the Metaverse, but still somehow use his Metaverse app even after death” confusing esp if Goro hides his phone prior to death? The other is that it makes Futaba less suspicious (still should be very suspicious of her anyway Goro whatchu doin’?), makes Shido’s whole plan a little more understandable (tho they probs should’ve addressed it), but then raises questions one....just how many navs are out there and why aren’t there more people (and Yaldy’s whole “I grant this shit to people” thing???? like would he even allow that? I don’t think so), and why doesn’t Goro get a new phone (this really is an issue regardless of my question, you have every right to be mad and worried about Futaba taking your phone Goro! And every right to be suspicious).

I mean if it’s the 2nd scenario it’d explain the police ambush in Sae’s Palace.....which wasn’t explained.... but tbh I always figured Goro just lent them his phone before hand? I mean it’s the only thing that made logical sense at the time (you only need one phone to sneak multiple people in, and if Goro is going with the PT he doesn’t need his phone)....of course that thing has a bigger issue I want to address later (regardless if it involved Goro lending his phone out or the police having a copy nav, either leads to the same issue surprisingly), but I just wanted to focus on in relation to Goro’s phone. 

I really wanna know which one it is. DX It could answer some questions