#projecting myself into music

[i-likefrogs]

Curses - the crane wives

Trauma dump -

Ok, I've been listening to this song on repeat. People keep saying this song is about a murderer, but all I can hear is my religious trauma. I've never been mentally stable cause of religion. It hurt me far before I even knew it could. I won't go into detail cause this'll get fucked up really fast. But yeah, I've never felt whole.

"Will you stay with me my darling when my walls start burning down" really describes how scared I was when I had to start opening up to my ex. Especially when one of my triggers was coming up and I couldn't avoid it. I knew I was going to be a mess. I was so scared she would leave. That she wouldn't want anything to do with me after I opened up. But she didn't. She was so sweet and so understanding. I'll never be able to thank her enough.

"All my aching bones are trembling and I may yet fall apart" trauma is exhausting. Keeping it all inside is so incredibly hard. Keeping a straight face and maintaining control while listening to your triggers is a nightmare. And one day, you'll crack. You can't keep it there forever. Before that, the feeling is like you're always shaking. Then, you just break. Completely and wholly, and you're left to pick up the pieces and put yourself back together. A fucked up humpty dumpty.

"Echoing where my ghosts all used to be" "there's still cobwebs in the corner and the backyards full of bones". The line about ghosts reminds me of the feeling after you open up. Like this part of you that you've carried for so long is gone, and while nice, it just feels wrong. Like part of you is missing. The other lines also reflect this. The part of you that you keep hidden can feel like an abandoned house. It needs care, love, help, ANYTHING but the room stays locked and no one goes in. The bones remind me of skeletons in the closet. Though more concealed. Again, when I met my ex, through most of the time we were dating, I kept that part of myself from her. Hell even now that we're just friends I keep most of that from her. Cause if I let on too much, she might leave. Or worse, the knowledge could hurt her. I can't live with that, so I keep my skeletons hidden.

"The devils after both of us" FUCK! Those who have religious trauma know what I'm talking about here. I grew up being told that everything about me was sinful and I was going to hell. I constantly looked over my shoulder. Constantly thinking that the devil was after me (not physically exactly. More metaphorically) and when my brother was born, I thought I was going to bring him down with me. Hence "both of us" I got to the point where I didn't care if I went down, I was going to protect him. This resulted in some pretty fucked up things I started when I was 9.

"Tell me I am good enough" do I even need to say anything?

There is so much about this song that reminds me of my life and the people in it. So yeah, turns out a song about a serial killer can describe my trauma. This song is wonderful and makes me feel so understood. If you hadn't listened to it, you definitely should. Thanks for reading this mess. Love yall ❤️

[vilnmelling]

Chart memes, round 2

As I said, I'VE GOT MORE CHARTS!

Hailey would obviously go in the "keeps clogging the pipes" in the first chart, but my lazy ass couldn't be bothered to get a picture of her, so let's ✨pretend✨

[ghoulinfuschia]

VA snippets I wanted to add to the pinned post but Tumblr said no. Im probably just gonna use my blog as a place to put progress stuff I like as I go. This is my progress trinket box.

N - Tomotasauce on Twitter

Uzi - We shall call her Ghost

V - Me

[murdleandmarot]

The gang’s all here!! They’re on the case!! And there’s no ghost that they wouldn’t chase!!!!!

@mysticalcats’s Foxglove, @toki-toro’s Chaumet, @emimii’s Clownaire, and my own Bluebelle :)

[mintjeru]

dark type 🌙

open for better quality | no reposts

[mynameiskingofithaca]

Polites is for the audience what Astyanax is for Odysseus. No I won't elaborate.

[apocalyptic-byler]

will byers would love conan gray’s lyricism

[lukalightning]

It’s really something beautiful to see that the stories in Project Sekai are so compelling that it’s inspired a whole new wave of people to make covers and become vocal synth producers themselves

[karamell-sweetz]

‘ruikasa cover?’ ‘ruikasa when??’ stfu /lh you got something even better (WXS OCHAME KINOU AND NAYUTALIEN COMM and tsukasa’s birthday ALL IN THE SAME GODDAMN MONTH)

[averlym]

some very very quick costume shorthands!

[universallydestinytaco]

Totally Accurate SF Quotes #5

Pim: Chawlie, now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project! Charlie: ...you really don't have to do that. Pim: I know, that's what makes me so nice! :3c

[kiukiu1270]

Fully finished 15 Nikolai AU Character sheet + Headcannons!!!

Nikolai is a Piano player and I will not accept him playing any other instrument other than that. His cannon design even looks like a Piano how much more piano-y can a character get?? He is those self-taught pianist. The type that only knows chords and those weird numbered sheets music you get in those church songs lol (Fyodor taught him to read sheet music later on ;3)

Also pianist of 10 years writing over here, The tenor clef page is based on personal experiences.

It took me so long to figure out his sexuality, It was between Gay, Pan, Achillean but I settled with Omnisexual

“Omnisexual refers to someone who is romantically, emotionally, or sexually attracted to persons of all genders and orientations”Basically, All is good. But of course he does have some (a lot) of Internalised Homophobia and Religious Trauma (Haven’t fully figured it out yet in my head but I’m working on it)

Figure skating ehhhhhhh (for personal reasons) Realistically it is near impossible to do a Hydroblade self taught and pretty much figure skating isn’t a hobby that you can just buy a pair of skates (1000usd per pair) (he stole those with his ability ofc) but you can’t just teach yourself through YouTube videos (based on…. Experience….) (you Will Hurt yourself) but I meannnn He has an magical portal opening ability, he got plot armour. (And I like figure skating)

Random Trivia

Cavetown coded, Star coded, Neurodivergent, Enfp, likes cardistry (like magicians you get it), has the biggest crush on Fyodor (if it wasn’t obviously enough lol), likes Pigeons (yk street rats) (I love pigeons, they deserve more love), (Personally I think cannon adult Nikolai is more white Dove coded tho), Loves theatre and the stage (based on irl Mykola), Irl Mykola was queer, Loves Tchaikovsky (me too) (Tchaikovsky was also queer btw (he was very gay)), likes Mykola Lysenko (carol of the bells original composer) (ayy father of Ukrainian classical music and him share the same name!!) (I love researching about Ukrainian culture while making this)(Ukraine is so beautiful, I wish we could’ve had the chance to visit it in its beautiful light and glory before yk…) (Making this was very emotional) (Don’t forget to support Support Ukraine guys) 🌻🇺🇦🫶

Btw here are some songs that I listened to while drawing him!!!

(Definitely listens to Tchaikovsky’s 1812 overture to fw Fyodor lol)

(Btw go watch my 15 Fyolai Astronomy mini Animatic on my page)

(This is Home will always have a special place in my heart)

[birdy-bird27]

Spamton is the only thing keeping me sane through finals rn god bless spamton

[juicedbeetle]

I know everyone already figured this probably but I hadn't paid attention before to when beej exactly takes his coat off and I was curious, so I'm pleased to report that he left it somewhere in the kitchen

not to mention he is briefly alone with adam in the kitchen while he was there getting the stuff for the sandwich

leaving aside my contemplation about how beej cannot affect the world of the living so those aren't coke, popcorn and 3d glasses he found in their house (probably manifested them himself the same way he takes the coat off. possibly from his mary poppins ass jacket, like with the mic) I like to think that he thought about getting them so he could snack alongside them, other than the obvious "upcoming show aka their death" use, not to mention the fact itself that he takes his coat off makes it feel like the mait's house is his as well, since you usually do it when you arrive home.

hell, I think he doesn't even need a coat whatsoever and just

started doing the "taking it off when I'm home" ritual because he saw adam doing it.

and in general I love this whole beginning part where he just acts like their house is his own, goes into their other rooms to do who knows what (first alone to the left then with adam in the kitchen), sits on their furniture like he owns the place, knows it like the back of his hand

actually I get the feeling that despite the fact he sat down first, he's also imitating adam here, like it's something the guy does all the time so beetlejuice has the whole thing memorized by now. but that's just speculation anyway.

I just get sad because I think he was really excited to meet them and already knew them really well, like he's not lying when he calls them friends, he's known them intimately for 10+ years (and, yes, it's been very creepy). he's lived with them and gotten used to this warm sitcom-y feel and then when they actually meet him they're terrified. Rightfully so but, ouch.

like, nothing goes like he planned right from the start, not just because they're not scary (and I mean, his whole plan was... to have them scare the new house inhabitants into saying his name? and then what? great plan beetleboose great thinking ahead there, a mastermind really), but because they didn't just magically act like his new best friends like he hoped and probably made up in his mind for all those years 😵‍💫

I mean, for all his solitude... the guy totally talks to himself. all the time. that is just a given to me. even besides the clones, the hand thing in say my name, the soliloquy, the guy probably had full fledged conversations. I can hardly imagine how many times he fantasized about talking to the maits for the first time in very elaborate scenarios in his head not to mention participated to all their conversations in the same way he does in this beginning segment and basically took it for granted that they'd enjoy his company same way he enjoys theirs, that is to say, the idealized version of their company he created in his head. siiigh, I love this whole part a lot, you can tell.

[human-sweater-vest]

hi welcome back to me once again screaming about our flag means death and its use of gnossienne no. 5. heads up for spoilers for the first three episodes of season two and each episode the theme pops up in going forward.

cool cool cool. so it's been established that gnossienne no. 5 is the love theme for ed and stede as it was used during many of the pivotal moments of their relationship in season one. I'll do a brief recap but for a post breaking that down more see this bad boy.

the main thing with my previous analysis is that the instruments and tone changed each time the song came in, sometimes being loud and brash, other times being a whisper in the back of a quiet realization. therefore, I was so incredibly excited to see if/when/how it made its reappearance in season two. below is a compilation I'll update with each episode .

episode one and two don't have any use of it as far as I caught on my first watch through. please let me know if you catch it!

episode three:

5:40 - when stede boards the revenge for the first time after ed destroys it. he's looking for his love and it makes sense that this would be our first instance of the song in the season so far. however, the slow and almost hesitant piano of the song is cut off by the sheer destruction of the ship. we know how much the revenge means to stede, it was his lifeline and his home and the place he and ed found their love for each other. naturally it being destroyed would halt the music. it's also fun that we make it all the way to episode three without it appearing because that's when ed makes his first appearance in season one. good symmetry. good soup.

12:35 - when stede enters the captain's quarters alone to clean up the daggers the song comes in and we hear the iconic melody instead of just the notes leading up to it. he's fully allowing himself to stew in the mess the man he loves has made and how he's a direct cause of it. the main part starts as the camera shifts to a dagger right before stede pulls it out, perhaps indicating that their love has wounded them. he knows that ed is gone but the crew hasn't revealed where or why. the music then ends on a sour note and cuts out as izzy starts to speak, breaking the spell as he's confronted with the reality of one of the people who has been both complicit and victimized by ed's breakdown.

16:06 - as stede admits to zheng yi sao that he feels like he's the cause of ed's destructive streak and that he let him down, the theme once again comes in, this time softer than the previous two appearances in the episode. notably it's also piano, keeping in line the same tonal theme of simplicity and hesitance. it once again runs its course until an interruption happens with auntie bursting in to announce that she found "the jackpot" aka a dying ed stored in the secret room.

episode four:

00:00 - right at the start as ed is coming back to life. it ends abruptly as ed hits stede in the face, showing us that things aren't going to be all lovey dovey.

26:05 - it starts as ed says "buttons, people don't change" (before buttons turns into a seagull, proving this to be false). this is a really important one for several reasons. the first of which being that stede has once again left him alone in the woods, but this time he comes back for ed. ed is confronted with change, assured by it, things can be better. the second and infinitely more exciting to me, is the fact that this version is played on the harpsichord. where did we hear the harpsichord version last? the bathtub scene of season one, when ed decides to change for the first time. when he trusts stede to change with him.

episode five:

26:03- "you wear fine things well" part two. y'all. Y'ALL. it's the same exact version as the first time this scene happened. the critical difference is that they're experiencing it as reality and not a lovestruck delusion. they're flawed and fucked up and the moon isn't as full but the song is still the same. they're still in love.

episode eight:

12:10 - "I feel it in my soul, a love like ours can't disappear in an instant" Y'ALL I FUCKING CALLED IT I KNEW WE'D GET A BIGGER ORCHESTRATION OF THE SONG. we have strings as well as the piano and the theme is joyful and beautiful and reflecting that ed finally admits to himself that he loves stede. this is it. I'm buying dinner and going feral as my original tags promised. y'all this season was a doozy and you can best believe that if we get a season three I will be losing my noodle on how they decide to orchestrate the final usage of this song.

[cathalbravecog]

i'm the antonymph of the internet