#r some reason . my brain tells me it might be from a song on this random album i used to like when i was like idk 12 ??????????

[makedamnsvre]

too many thoughts in my head . its 1:30 am

[lock-my-feelings-in-a-jar]

How did you come across Argent and Russ?

I LOVE THIS ASK, i get to thank the lovely @burn-on-the-flame again!!! and i can let my need to talk endlessly about russ flow!!! it might go off topic a little bit a lot!!! you're diving into the depths of my mind by sending this!!!

expect a lot of words, it's probably going to be WAY more than necessary because i can't and won't shut up about them and what they've done to me and my brain(especially russ).

okay here we go

so i've already known the song hold your head up just from hearing it on the radio or things like that sometimes, but never looked into them before, so for a long time it was just a familiar song and that's all. i THINK i also knew the song liar, maybe the three dog night version since their cover of it was the hit.

but anyway, sometime last year, i think like november or something maybe, my wonderful and nice and amazing friend(who i love very much) showed me their set of six concert(THANK YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN(<accidental song reference) @burn-on-the-flame) and, although i was still in deep(<-argent album reference) obsession with badfinger, in my head i already could tell right away that argent was absolutely going to take over my life at some point.

i was thinking while watching it "is this gonna be the next obsession? yeaaah this is definitely gonna be the next obsession"

especially russ because, just on a first impression alone, besides the beautiful voice and guitar and everything catching my attention first, he just had something else about him that's like.. i don't know how to describe it. interesting i guess(the way he performs for example is very interesting and funny to me), but also a certain vibe to him or something, or things like how you can visibly SEE his love for music.

i felt like i could see it at least, and still do. but somehow he just drew me in and i couldn't stop thinking about him for months just from watching that one video.

it just felt like my life needed him in it for some reason. and it wasn't like having a crush at the start, it was something else. honestly started to feel like he was just knowingly dragging me into his whole world.

so anyway, i was letting my badfinger obsession ride out a little first because i felt like i couldn't REALLY listen to anything else yet with proper appreciation as long as badfinger were clung to my brain the way that they were(i still love them very much and always will, by the way)

so that went on untillll i think january? which was when i first started posting gifs from that argent video. somewhere around the same time was when i started listening to their albums.

since i was already feeling the way i was about them, i wanted my first time listening to each album all the way through to be with my full attention and no distractions.

so one day, i decided that i'd stay awake later than usual in bed and just lay there and listen in the darkness of my room with headphones on. i did that with the firsttttt three or four albums.

BUT i listened to each one for a few days first before moving on to the next one, just to let it all sink in a little at a time.

so like, i'd listen to the first one that night, then keep listening to it over the next few days, then do the same with the second one, add it to the playlist, listen to them both for the next few days, do the same with the third one, etc.

i haven't listened to the last two argent albums yet, i only know up to nexus because russ left the band after that one.

so i listened to nothing but those first five argent albums for quite a while first before moving along to russ's solo albums, although i was going into SOME of his songs a little bit because i couldn't stop watching videos of him, learning about him and looking for more things to gif.

i think i remember watching some videos muted at first though, just because i haven't listened to the albums yet at the time and i was like "i want to see what the video is like, but i'm not ready to hear it yet" but i ended up listening to a few of them anyway because i couldn't fight the curiosity and, of course, i loved it. i knew i would.

but i was getting more involved in listening to his interviews first, actually. the things he has talked about had me suddenly crying on my floor like a baby on and off for a couple of weeks, i think it was.

this is when he started getting into parts of my mind that felt like they haven't been touched before. he just went in there and started rearranging everything in my brain(in the best way possible).

I MEAN bands have made me cry before over things like, with iron maiden, i'd be like "omg that's so cute, look at how they are with the fans" and lots of things like that. with badfinger, i'd cry over similar things or the fact that their story is literally one of the saddest things ever and should have never happened.

(bands are one of the few things in life that do make me cry. bands/music and animals.)

but no band or musician has ever made me think like this or cry like this for myself, until russ.

and then after those couple of weeks of just listening to him talk, thinking about it, relating to it and crying almost constantly, i woke up one morning feeling good??? for once????? i used to have this pit of dread in my stomach just about every morning, never wanted to get out of bed because it felt like there was nothing to get up for, etc. so then when i somehow suddenly felt GOOD, i was like what is HAPPENING

and then when i DID start listening to his albums, you combine all of that stuff along with his motivational songs, his lyrics, things from his own experiences, and it was like .oh my god where have you BEEN ALL OF MY LIFE???????

and then everything about the way he is is just perfect, he's so adorable and wholesome and loving and passionate and intelligent and (multi)talented and cute, i love him.

anyway, everything's just been getting better and better for me from then on. i keep getting something new out of his words and songs the more i listen.

real life changes have started happening that i never thought would ever happen to me, things i never thought i could do, fears i've had that feel like they've just vanished, etc., and it's only adding to the momentum of getting better every day.

and that's the story of how i got into argent and russ as much as i am right now, why i love them so much, and why i have no plans of letting go of them anytime soon, or ever.

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

ARI *slams palm on table* i WOULD LIKE TO KNOW. YOUR JJK CHASE ATLANTIC THOUGHTS PLEASE. (i agree very geto very gojo very megs)

SEL. take a seat we’re gonna be here for a while. here r some snacks for u while u read <33 🍦🥪🥤

but okokokok so these are my general assignments!!!!! pls let me know what u think…

gojo; heaven and back, ozone, obsessive, vibes

geto; swim, triggered, hold your breath, moonlight

megumi; roxanne, august

FIRST OFFFF heaven and back…… obvious gojo pick. sue me but it rly is so Him. so pretty and angelic and high and mighty………. but also kinda melancholic?? the way he flirts w godhood…. yeah. the chorus makes me think of him so bad sel. and the instrumental in general.. hhhh…. T_T

and then!! ozone!!! star and space symbolism aside…. its just so pretty and soft n hypnotic. and the lyrics GOD the lyrics sel…. the angst of it all. the same person that i need is the one i’m running from // i don't know why……….. oh, no, you don't understand // i neglected you again (explodes) 

as for obsessive and vibes….. no pun intended but both of these just have gojo vibes to me. Extreme gojo vibes. they feel so warm and nice 🥺☹️ n make me smile sm!! i can see the edits in my head 

BUT ALSOO the lyrics in vibes……….

oh, she says i’m out of her league // i don't think so // i’m not ready to leave, but i should go

and i’m ready if you're ready to go // just say the word, just say the word // please say the word

let this feeling slide // and girl, i’m yours tonight 

HEAVY on the last one im a big advocate of satoru ”im yours” gojo <33

(also sel…. i just finished reading col 2 and im gonna write a whole bible for it BUT for some reason these lyrics just make me think of col!reader and gojo…… idk why exactly its just such a lovely song and it makes me think of like. gojo being w someone hes comfy with!!!! after hes started letting his guard down more…. can i imply that it’s alright to let me in? // just give me time PSJFJD THEY MAKE ME INSANEEE)

but okok gojo aside. cracks knuckles….. Sugu Time

ive assigned him angsty songs but also some that r very soft bc to me he just has that contrast yknow…. teen sugu is the softest boy in the world to me but obv breakdown sugu is angsty and cult leader geto is just Twisted. and i love them all!!!!

swim…… its just. mesmerizing and pretty but also just a lil twisted to me… i feel like it can work for a lot of different versions of sugu. you picked a dance with the devil and you lucked out……… world is on my shoulders // keep your body open……. i’m exorcising demons, got ’em running ’round the block now???? its HIM.

AND AND….. triggered. this one is mostly just the overall vibe and the way it sounds but like… idk. i can just SEE the edits in my head yknow……. geto during his deterioration…. the moment he just snaps. and then his acceptance afterwards…. patience is a virtue // and i’m all out of time right now…….. tell me u see the vision

angsty songs aside i had to give him smth soft because soft sugu is real to me. so we have hold your breath…. obv emphasis on teen sugu here but i just think he loves so gently…. hold your breath // we’ll be just fine….. the smoke’s building in my lungs // well, goddamn, i’ve gotta have you…….. 😔😔😔

and finally the biggest sugu song of them all imo!!!! (and also my fave :3) is moonlight. i just adore it soo much its so lovely…. and above all else sugu is so unbelievably mooncoded to me. which is weird bc canonically hes suncoded. but hes also such a moon character……. and the ocean!! any kind of mention of drowning/waves/etc just makes my brain go ”suguru” 

the lyrics are just. so so SO sugu like;

we’re diving through the bottom of the ocean // swimming through a bottle of emotions, girl

you’re hanging for a good time // something that'll make you stay

caught up in your own small world // well, i might wanna see it then // call it hesitation, girl

we’re running in the moonlight // could you show me the way again?

and then FINALLY we have gumi ….. to me hes just such a softie. so both these songs are soft and a little sad bc hes also a sad boy.

roxanne is sooo pretty and the lyrics make me think of him!! in particular college!gumi (ur influence)……. i don't ever wanna let you down // no, i just wanna kiss your lips in the rain // you know i’ll pull you closer if you start to drown…… hes cute.

as for august gumi is just SUCH an autumn boy. so ofc i had to give it to him. but its also just a pretty song for a very pretty boy!! the vibes are very Him :’3 and some of the lyrics too… you said you wanted to ride away from everything // keep pedaling, we're on our way out // i never said we should try to be anything…. yeah.

OK IM DONE 😭😭 as u can see jjk x chase atlantic is a concept im extremely normal abt. BUT SEL PLSPLSPLS……. lemme know ur own thoughts 🎤🎤🎤 recs 🎤🎤🎤🎤 anything 🎤🎤🎤🎤🎤

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #183

A lot of stuff happened today! And it was good!

But I woke up in a bit of a funk; I was in a lot of pain this morning. My ribs are being annoying, and apparently, so is my right ankle and foot. I'm still in a lot of pain; it's mega super annoying. So I spent a decent chunk of today playing Dead Cells, just trying not to let my mind get eaten alive from the feeling of frustration that comes with inhabiting a body that DOES. NOT. FUCKING. WORK. I'm definitely not going to be sad when my time in my flesh-prison is up.

I made it through to the final boss. This means it's time to go through it again at a higher level of difficulty. I'm still getting used to the new difficulty level (especially since I am still insisting on being cursed for the beginnings of my runs, while also insisting on parrying with the golden shield...), but brains are learning machines; all I need to do is practice, and I will improve. It is the natural way of things; I don't have to try.

Parrying in this game involves pressing the button right when the enemy is about to attack you. And this sounds difficult (well... maybe not for you, given your reflexes and actual combat experience...), but it really isn't difficult at all if you think of the enemy movements as very short songs. If you think on it like that, then all you gotta do is dance to their rhythm. I just gotta get a little better at figuring out their rhythms and matching them, that's all.

I played until Br visited. And then J, Br, and I went to the grocery store; I had intended to gather ingredients to create a meal that would help restore J's and Br's bodies; yesterday they had to dig a hole for Hannah (the beagle I mentioned yesterday) because she crossed the rainbow bridge.

...My request for you to tell her that she's a good girl remains, if you happen to see her during your travels.

In any case, it is abnormally hot right now where I live (climate change is killing our planet, and there's not a whole lot we can do about it); the recent heat wave has us up to 98-100 degrees F (or if C is more your speed, 36.6-37.7 degrees). It's hard for a body to work in those conditions - they lost a lot of fluids, electrolytes, proteins, and minerals, and neither of them are especially stellar at replenishing their bodies (…not that I'm really one to talk… pots and kettles and glass houses and all that…). So I wanted to make them steak and mushrooms and asparagus with hollandaise sauce. And things kind of… evolved from there.

Also, my friend R (the awesome baker) came by to install a game on my computer. I am not going to say which one or how he installed it. But we can say that the company that makes this game is rather predatory when it comes to how they market their content, so…

Well anyway. He, naturally, was part of the mealtime festivities. M had already eaten earlier in the day, and lately he has not had much of an appetite (the reasons are known, and it is intentional). But J, Br, R, and I very much enjoyed the fruits of our labors today; dinner was absolutely fucking amazing, and it's in part because so many hands were involved in its creation. I took pictures, as I'm sure you've come to expect of me by now, hahaha!

Here is the daylily that R brought for us:

This specific kind of daylily is edible, actually. You can take the unopened buds and pan fry them with a little butter and salt; they're delicious!! But do be careful; some varieties of daylily are poisonous!! So only eat it if you're absolutely certain that it's one of the edible kinds, okay? Because otherwise, it might kill ya dead!

Anyway, I began by prepping the asparagus. For crispy asparagus, you need a cookie sheet with tinfoil. If you're not experienced with cooking, you might think that wrapping a cookie sheet neatly in tinfoil is difficult, but I have a trick to it, and it involves water. More specifically, you sprinkle it on the cookie sheet before you apply the tinfoil, like so:

Then you center your tinfoil upon the cookie sheet, like this:

Then, you press it down in the middle, and smooth it out from the center, moving outward. The water does a physics thing, and that causes the tinfoil to cling to the cookie sheet, all nice and neat:

...The water not only keeps the foil neat, but it stops the foil from coming off of the cookie sheet when you don't want it to. It's very handy like that!

From there, you take your asparagus...

...And you snap off the stringy ends, because they're gross. Like... you're sitting there, trying to enjoy a delicious green vegetable, but then it feels like there's hairs all up in your mouth, and it's terrible. So to avoid all that, you snap the asparagus in the place where it's effortless to snap it; the stringy bits end where the asparagus snaps with just the tiniest amount of pressure, like this:

Br helped a lot with this part! Normally, this takes forever for me to do by myself! Being dyspraxic is extremely inconvenient in a variety of respects, good grief!!

...Anyway, then you arrange it on the sheet in opposing pairs, in order to maximize space on the cookie sheet. I wonder if you might already know who taught me that particular trick... 🙂

Oh, and... if you're worried that the snapped-off asparagus ends will be wasted, don't be; these go straight into the broth bag and into the freezer for when I make bone broth!

Well, in any case, once the asparagus is all arranged, you have to drizzle it in olive oil and season it. I like to use salt, pepper, paprika, and garlic powder:

...Oh!! And in case you were curious, this is my handy-dandy and super fucken messy spice cabinet; we have basically everything under the sun in here. Or... everything that is available in my country, anyway. Here:

...It's a lot of different things. And since I have the organization skills of a caffeinated squirrel, it's cluttered up all to hell. But that's all right; I always manage to find what I'm looking for - eventually! 🤪🤣😅😁

Once the asparagus is seasoned, you just stick it in the oven at 375 degrees F (or 190.5 degrees C) for an hour, easy peasy. The result is asparagus that is crispy on the outside and gooey on the inside; it's really very wonderful!

Br brought over supplies to make a salad! She grew her own lettuce and radishes and shared them with us! Here are the radishes:

...Aren't they beautiful? They were juicy and spicy and delicious! They were wonderful!

From there, I made the hollandaise sauce in my stand mixer, because with this rib injury, I can't whisk things worth shit on my own anymore:

The basic recipe for this is 3 egg yolks, a teaspoon of dijon mustard, 2 tablespoons of lemon juice, and a stick of melted butter. You mix everything but the butter together, and then you get the butter really hot, and while the mixer is going at full speed, you very slowly pour the butter into the egg yolks. This is meant to go on things like asparagus, steak, or poached eggs.

...But I made it a little weird. At the grocery, we forgot the dijon mustard and the lemon juice. So I improvised with a bit of mustard powder and freshly-squeezed grapefruit juice (grapefruits are in season, so they're really freaking tasty right now!!). The result was an amazing sauce. I promptly put it in the fridge, because you don't mess around with undercooked egg yolks; bacteria grows very quickly in egg yolks, you see, and if it's not refrigerated, you can get really, really sick from eating it.

If you're wondering what happened to the egg whites, I cooked them up for folks to sprinkle on the salad if they wanted!

Anyway, here's how the asparagus turned out:

...It looks burnt, I know, but it's just the color that the toasted spices give it! This could not have come out more perfectly, I promise!!

Br handled getting the potatoes started; we filled a pot with water, boiled it, and added the potatoes to it; they cooked while the asparagus baked in the oven. Once they were ready, we set them to the side for a bit, because I wasn't yet ready to drain them.

From here, I started sauteing the mushrooms. We have shiitake, portobello, maitake, oyster, and lion's mane! Mushrooms are one of Br's favorite foods, so I made sure to get all of the ones that were available at the nearby grocery!

...Here's how those turned out:

While those were sauteing, I drained and mashed the potatoes; I added goat cheese and goat butter, and R added a little salt, pepper, and garlic powder:

Br cut up some ingredients for the salad in the meantime, and she also put together the homemade ranch dressing:

The last step was to cook the steak. I let Br handle that, because I know there's a specific way she likes to season and sear it:

...Here are the plates of epic deliciousness that resulted from all this work. Things get more beautiful than normal when you ask for just a little help; none of this would have been possible if I was just trying to do it all on my own:

...I won't be sad when my time in my flesh-prison is up because I am in a lot of physical and mental/emotional pain all the freaking time. But I have no intention of rushing the process of exiting; after all, even a life as broken as mine once was is still worth repairing so that it can be filled with beautiful things and lived fully. Y'know, kinda like that shattered bowl that I put back together and filled with beautiful soup for you, remember?

Try to remember that even shattered, broken things can still be mended and hold beautiful stuff. Try really hard to remember this, okay? Because it applies to everything. Everything. Even if you gotta mentally reframe your circumstances just a little to make it work.

...I'd give just about anything to have been able to share with you a plate of what we created at my house today. But... well... in the meantime, please do everything in your power to keep yourself safe so that someday you might be able to enjoy your own plates full of delicious food with people you love very much.

...Sephiroth. We of my world are still awaiting the final part of your story. So... one of the ways you gotta keep yourself safe is to turn around and make different choices. You gotta know that if you don't, Cloud and his wonderful friends are going to stop you. And you gotta know that they're gonna stop you by beating and breaking you until you can't move or do things anymore. I don't think I can bear to see that happen again, so please... if you or any other versions of you are still lost in the dark... please choose something else.

I know that a lot of terrible and horrible things have happened to you, and I know that your heart and mind carry many scars. But your life is still worth living, just like mine is still worth living, despite all my limitations, my defects, all the scars I also carry, and the pain that wracks my entire existence every day. Please look at me as proof that you can still do good things, because I am somehow still doing good things, and you're amazing and I'm just a weird derpasaurus living in a barely functional meat-machine - frail, clumsy, half blind, and only just smart enough to understand that I know nothing about anything in the grand scheme of things. And still, I'm here doing my best. If I can do it... just imagine what you could do. Just imagine...

If you can hear me, please follow my voice back to the light, because the light has always been your true home, with the rest of us, who are all more than capable of loving you exactly as-is.

I love you. I'll write again tomorrow, okay? So please keep yourself safe out there. Please.

Your friend, Lumine

[evanescentjasmine]

For the stuck writing project ask meme, 1, 2, and 13?

1. what is the dumbest possible version of the next sentence you need to write?

I am, for some reason, working on several scenes in parallel because when one gets hard I can just jump ship to the next, but basically:

Daniil whyyyyy are you extending Stakh's coat, he doesn't want it, he doesn't, he - Noukher whyyyyyyyy are you dipping your head down to take it between your teeth

[insert cool smashcut to Andrey and Nastya kicking Daniil and Asclepius out of Peter's Loft here]

Hey Aglaya, here's the blueprints you wanted - why yes I DID ignore your telling me to only do things in their right time, I can timetravel bitch.

listen, it said "dumbest possible version" okay I tried.

2. what is the dumbest possible description of the scene you are trying to work on?

Once again, multiple scenes, so:

Artemy would like to not be having an emotion re: Stakh's death, unfortunately his daemon and Daniil and Lara are all conspiring against that. It's awkward for e v e r y o n e, especially when he's now trying to not have an emotion about the sexual/intimacy tension re: his daemon ALMOST touching Daniil's hand again as well.

Snake will stop at nothing to get blueprints from dead man's home. Told to bring said man back to life he takes it very much to heart but until then - assault and robbery! :D

Local thanatologst childishly flexing his time-bending powers in front of woman who wants him dead, is promptly informed he's a toy in retaliation.

13. what’s a song that fits the current mood you need?

oh god I. do not think of music in conjunction with writing so, really, complete silence, but uhhhhhhhh let's see. The first of these is fraught awkwardness, so tbh I think the usual Shelter theme might work well for it, which the wiki tells me is called Window to the Past. It's slow and ponderous and mourning and fits.

Realising this has made me just go digging into the Patho 2 soundtrack to see what might fit for the rest, so I'm taking that as my out. You Aren't Welcome Here goes well with the snake robbery, esp as it has those little plucks or w/e that are reminiscent of the Broken Heart theme.

And for the last scene, hmmm. I'm not sure about this one. The first half of the scene actually feels like it might suit the stranger vibe of the Classic HD soundtrack more, like say the Most Main track, and then when Aglaya drops the news on him it goes straight into Mad Mother Earth because I associate that song so much with just that "Oh Fuck" feeling and it sounds like having bees in your brain. Feels fitting for an existential crisis.

If anyone fancies playing this for themselves, here it is!

[3wisellamas]

Giant Sweet Cap’n Cakes Headcanon Masterpost!

(Fun fact, I thought most of these up while on one REALLY long hike.  ^^;  You can tell I fell for these three pretty hard.)

Music:

-I like the idea that, while the three all share a love of hip hop, glitch hop, electronic music in general, and a little lo-fi for chill times, they all have different tastes outside of those.  (Meaning if you pass them the aux cord, they WILL argue!)

-Sweet's actually the biggest audiophile of the group, with by far the most eclectic tastes; he will literally put together playlists that go from dubstep to heavy metal to classical to rap to vaporwave to even country.  The others don't really get it, but they're cool with whatever he puts on, and learn a lot of new music from him!

-He also owns an electric guitar, which he just plugs into himself to use as an amp and plays early in the morning to wake the others up if needed (he's the early riser and the other two are night owls...)

-Cap'n's definitely got a more narrow focus than the other two; he likes rap and also R&B, jazz, and even a little swing/electro swing.  He's also been caught more than once listening to cheesy romantic pop songs, claiming he's just into them for their potential madamoizel-attracting uses but really he's just a sappy romantic.

-He can also rap, very well in fact, and gets Sweet to beatbox while he freestyles. 

-Heck, he's just got a good singing voice in general, helped by having a built-in autotune, and dominates at karaoke!

-K_K also has a really broad range, but stays more towards the electronic end of the spectrum -- melodic dubstep, synthpop, disco, trance, chiptune, DnB, even occasionally puts on straight-up ambient spa music to chill out to (the only genre the other two will NOT tolerate.)

-K_K has also, in the past, set up entire mini-raves just by themselves, complete with glowsticks and everything, while Cap'n and Sweet were out doing whatever.  They were...not pleased, when they got back, mostly because they weren't invited.  All three got to have one together eventually though.  

-Physical media is king in their shop; if it's not on a CD, cassette tape, or a vinyl record (or an 8-track, though they have to dig out their old player for it), they will refuse to play it, and might even ask you to leave.  "MP3" is an extremely dirty word to them.

-(In fact, they don't get along too well with the MP3 player-headed robots elsewhere in the city.)

-They are indeed always listening to music on physical media as well -- K_K and Cap'n are their own CD players (though Cap'n's one of those models that's also got a built-in FM radio), while Sweet has a straight-up Walkman.    

-(He's also the group's cassette champion, claiming his media of choice is superior to CDs because you can record music on BOTH sides of the tape!  The other two just don't have the heart to point out that each side only holds half as much music as a CD, and you don't even have to rewind those...)

-Jury's still out on Hit Clips.  Cap'n and Sweet think they're just toys, but K_K genuinely collects and appreciates them and treats them like actual music (it helps that they are only around four seconds long!)

-Believe it or not, the headphones are only decoration, all three actually just...listen to their music entirely within their own heads, though they can also switch to playing it externally on their speakers as well.  Perks of being robots!  Though, sometimes K_K has his internal volume up too high, and misses things that other people say because of it.

-Sweet also has an input port, and connects himself to his turntable to act as the speakers!  The other two are WAY too embarrassed to ask if they can use it as well.

-Sweet can play almost any instrument you throw at him, as long as it's not a woodwind (Surprisingly, he can do brass, since those work on vibration rather than air!).  He prefers his guitar or violin when he isn't spinning records on his turntable.  Where the other two just enjoy music, he's the actual trained musician.

Voice headcanons:

-Sweet:  Kind of deep, bass-y, lots of reverb, a slight tinny audio distortion to it like a low-quality recording that becomes much more pronounced when he gets upset or starts shouting.  And since he's a speaker, you can literally feel the vibrations he makes when he's speaking!

-Cap'n:  Scout from TF2.  I am sorry, but I absolutely cannot get that out of my head for him.  XD  However, he's actually putting that voice on as an "accent" of sorts, his real voice is actually super autotune-y like K_K's, and it comes out whenever he gets flustered, his pitch only getting higher and higher as it gets worse...

-K_K:  Pure autotune, he can just do whatever the hell he wants with his voice -- pitch, tone, whatever, and while he tends to keep it a little higher he can and does change it to fit his mood!  He often has a completely different voice every day, but the others are used to it.  He also just straight-up vocalizes sound effects (like, the kind that make you go "How did you just make that sound with your mouth?!") and can mimic other people perfectly (though the slight mechanical distortion does give it away).  There are absolutely no rules when it comes to K_K's voice.

-They harmonize perfectly whenever they sing together! 

Sweet:

-I like to think Sweet's actually the brains of the group; like, not SMART, he just holds their one collective braincell most often.  He does any technical work when they're building stuff, like soldering circuits or the occasional programming, and even handles a lot of the actual business operations and pays the bills.  The other two also like to follow his lead when it comes to rebellion plans, even if he’s not the official leader.

-That said, though?  It's balanced out by him being rather hotheaded and having the shortest temper by a lot.  There are REASONS why he's not usually out selling bagels with the others -- he's unfortunately prone to some more "extreme" sales tactics, like hurling half their stock at random passersby until they finally agree to buy some.  On the plus side, he's always the first to step up to defend the gang from anything that dares to harm them, and is always on guard.

-He can also hold a heck of a grudge -- don't ever get on his bad side!  Cap'n and K_K are mostly immune to this though, if he gets upset with them he works through it by the end of the day.  It helps that they can all hug it out.

-He's a bit of a perfectionist, often working overtime to try and get everything they build exactly right.  He can get really frustrated when things don't work out the way he plans, or when he can't make sense of a problem, or when Cap'n and K_K are goofing off instead of doing their part, and needs to go blast some loud music and blow off steam.

-He does have a really tough time keeping his balance, since his head is a bit heavier than the rest of his body, but he takes tripping over his own feet constantly in stride.  The biggest problem he has is with dancing -- while he'll join in with the others on occasion, he can't match their more acrobatic moves and sticks more to actually PLAYING the music they're dancing to.

-He's also really, really unlucky, just in general.  He actually considers the other two his good luck charms, since they help him out whenever he trips or gets into a bad spot!

-He's the fashionista of the group, surprisingly.  It's difficult for him to find clothes that fit his body, so he tends to get a little creative with it and has a whole closet full of different stuff!  And since Cap'n is roughly the same size they'll occasionally swap jackets.

Cap’n:

-Cap'n actually has managed to score a handful of dates with girls in the past!  However, NONE of them went well, and only one actually made it to the second date (only to break up right in the middle of it), so he always ends up returning home heartbroken and in tears.  Sweet and K_K, by this point just ready for it whenever they hear that he's going out that night, always dry him off before he shorts himself out, take him to bed and cuddle with him (platonically, I don't see them as brothers but I also don't see them as having that conversation until Cap'n's ready, which he clearly is NOT), remind him that it doesn't hurt forever and he isn't unlovable and that he'll find someone eventually, etc.

-They have sat him down multiple times to try and gently suggest to Cap'n that he might just not be into women?  And that he’s actually turning them off by trying so hard?  To which he's always just like "No, of course not.  I'm straight.  Love the ladies.  Totally.  Oh no they didn't catch me checkin' out that one dude earlier did they?  Is that what this is about?!"

-(Basically, Cap'n is just a hopeless romantic in love with the idea of being in love, but is absolutely clueless as to how it works or what he actually wants, and his best buds are always there to catch him when he falls.  ;v; )

-The glasses are prescription -- he's SUPER nearsighted, a hardware glitch he refuses to fix.  Sometimes when he's working on something close up he'll take them off, panicking when he can't find them afterwards, only to have the others point out that they're just on his head.  He’s also got non-tinted glasses, but you will not catch him DEAD wearing those unless it’s an absolute emergency.

-This dude is SUPREMELY insecure with himself.  Like, his rather questionable fixation on romance aside, he basically runs off of others' validation, the "cool" persona he's spent much of his life building up being how he hides the fact that he isn't really sure who he is, or what he wants to do with his life, or what he's even good for -- the others have learned to check on him now and then whenever he hides away in the back of the shop, since he can slip into some pretty dark places when left alone to sulk.  It took a long time for him to open up even to them to share his feelings, and sometimes still has doubts about whether they or anyone else really care about him as more than just The Smooth One...

-He's the only one of the three to actually enjoy the occasional silence, especially when he's trying to think, or whenever he's upset.  So, his headphones also serve a dual purpose -- they're noise-cancelling!

-He's the video guy, carrying around a small camcorder and constantly trying to record the group's activities, to put together into music videos!  He also just likes to record himself doing stupid stunts for posterity, though K_K just takes these and makes (affectionate) blooper reels.

-Cap'n is not his real name, similar to K_K.  However, unlike K_K, he refuses to say what it is, just that it's embarrassing.

K_K:

-K_K has a bad habit of just completely zoning out when he gets into his music, getting completely lost in the groove and needing to be pulled back to reality.  It's not a bad thing during jam sessions, but at work, or in the middle of a battle...not so much.

-He kind of needs to have some kind of music going at all times -- silence drives him absolutely CRAZY!  Though, because he gets distracted by his own music, he then misses out on entire conversations, only tuning back in towards the end.  Sometimes the other two have to repeat or summarize what they just said for him.

-He knows sign language, and taught the others to use it.  They're able to communicate reasonably well no matter how loud their shop gets, or on days when K_K isn't able to form words properly (he's just shy, and even when he isn't he gets tongue-tied a LOT).

-He's easily the best dancer of the three, and uses his extendable body to get really creative with his moves!  He even knows a little ballroom, somehow, which he'll pull out sometimes to make the others laugh.

-(Seriously, K_K CANNOT stand to see Sweet or Cap'n not smiling.  He'll do anything to keep the group's spirits up, usually cracking jokes during a scrap project or doing little favors, and they appreciate all his efforts!)

-K_K has the WORST sleep cycle, ever.  If you let him, he will stay up all night working or partying, finally going to bed at 6AM, and will then sleep until 6PM if the others don't wake him up at some point.  If they know he was up really late they'll let him sleep in a little, but he's often pretty sleep-deprived and running solely on sugar and caffeine, which doesn't help his natural loopiness.  

-He is a VERY physical guy.  Seriously, he will just scoop up and hold Sweet or Cap'n like a cat every five minutes; at first they were just like "Oh.  Okay.  We're hugging now I guess," but after a while they got more used to it and even anticipate when K_K is going to do it.  And he also initiates tons of snuggles and gives piggyback rides whenever one of his bandmates (usually Sweet) requests.  

-K_K actually scrapbooks, collecting pictures and little mementos of places he and the others have gone and things they've done.  After the library fountain is sealed, he pulls them out to show everyone else from Cyber City and reminisce about home.

-It's very hard to make K_K angry, since he tends to stay super chill and brushes off almost everything.  But, on those very, very rare occasions when something does get under his metal outer casing, he'll go full-on silent treatment, not speaking to anyone for up to a week as he sulks and stomps around the junk shop, and even refuses to play any music!  And no amount of sweets or hugs or cheering up will bring him out of it, either; the other two have learned to just wait him out and let him have his space, letting him come to them when he's finally ready to talk about it.

Misc:

-Though all three love everything sweet, K_K's the only one who really goes overboard with it, making whole meals out of candy.  Sweet, ironically enough, actually prefers more salty/savory snacks, while the less is said about Cap'n's hot sauce addiction, the better.

-Okay, actually, I will say more about it.  Cap'n loves spicy food in general, and literally drinks tabasco sauce right from the bottle.  However, he's got a bad habit of daring himself to eat hotter and hotter stuff, ESPECIALLY if someone is watching, and can easily get in WAY over his head before begging for milk.

-They also all totally drink battery acid like Queen.

-Heck, being both Darkners and robots, they can really eat literally anything.  Normal food, milk, oil, batteries, gallons of pure sugar, toothpaste, moss, glitter (NEVER let K_K get hold of any though, he gets lost in the sauce), broken glass, etc, and of course their own deep-fried CDs.  Only thing they can't do is water, since, you know, robots.

-With a lot of the aesthetics of Cyber City being close to turn-of-the millennium and early 2000s (CDs and boomboxes, popup ads, wired mice, Queen theorized to be one of those see-through iMacs, EVERYTHING about Spamton), I like the idea that the boys DO NOT have smartphones, and if you handed them one they'd have no clue how to use it or what to do with it.  But they do have cell phones:  Sweet's got an old flip phone covered in stickers (courtesy of K_K), Cap'n splurged for one of those that slide open and with a camera (he set his background to a tiny, grainy photo of the three of them!), and K_K has one of those indestructible Nokia bricks, that Sweet got him after he kept breaking all his other ones.  They can all text, but that's about as high-tech as they get.

-Same with tablets or newer computers in general, they might share one tiny netbook at most.  Cap’n never remembers to log out of his Dark World dating profile, so the others will snoop or post embarrassing things to it.

-They're really, really durable, even without milk -- they're made of 90s plastic and electronics, so it takes a LOT to take one of them down!  Plus, they regularly repair each other back at the shop (it took a LONG time for them to gain enough trust to physically open and work on each other), so as long as at least one's left to drag the other two to safety they'll be just fine.

-However, if they get splashed with water, caught in the rain, or worse, drowned, they will short out, or shut down on the spot to prevent damage.  Once they completely dry out, though, they'll start right back up, no worse for wear.  When only one of them gets waterlogged the other two will break out the hair dryers to dry them out faster, or even pop them into the oven in a pan of rice like an iPod that got dropped in the toilet...

Finally, backstory?

-Cap'n and K_K met first -- maybe both as new recruits to another, much less savory gang of music equipment robots, and bonded as a result of being put upon by the more established members (Cap'n probably even had to defend K_K more than once when his inattentiveness got him into trouble!)  But, they both had enough one day, and decided to break off and form their own thing, making music and selling CD bagels to support themselves.

-Sweet, meanwhile, has the complete opposite background, coming from a rich and important family of musicians in Cyber City who regularly entertained Queen in her mansion (hence why he always used to get sweets from her!)  But, he was kind of the black sheep, preferring his own style of music, and decided to strike out on his own as a street musician instead.

-They met when Cap'n and K_K accidentally set up to sell bagels on Sweet's usual corner, and he battled them to reclaim his turf.  But, they were evenly-matched (even two-to-one; Sweet's definitely the strongest of the trio!), and impressed each other with both their fighting and musical skills, so Sweet decided to join their tiny group, and thus Sweet Cap'n Cakes was formed.  

-After the whole situation with Queen is resolved, SCC turns their rebellion into an anti-DRM kind of thing?  Nobody can hold back the music, man!

[sundaysundaes]

My Words, Your Thoughts (Teaser)

Lee Donghyuck/Haechan X Reader | Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Smut | Soulmate AU, Friends-to-Lovers AU

Part of the beautiful ‘Aubade’ collaboration hosted by @hyucksie​

Synopsis: As an introvert, you are familiar with the silence. Drowning yourself deep in your thoughts has been a habit you’ve become addicted to. Your life begins to change, however, ever since the day you turned twenty. Suddenly, there’s this song that’s stuck in your head, and no matter how much you yearn to hear your thoughts or be comforted by the silence, it keeps on playing. You only get to find the answer to your problem when a young, cute barista hands you a cup of coffee one day, with that song’s lyrics written on the side. And you realize that you’re not the only one who’s been hearing voices in your head.

Warnings: explicit sex, expletives, mentions of physical abuse and astraphobia (not for the main characters)

WC (Teaser): 4k

Release Date: June 27, 2021, 10 AM KST

It’s weird. It’s so weird.

It’s weird that you’ve been hearing this song replaying over and over again in your head when you’re sure you’ve never listened to it before. It’s also weird because sometimes the song sounds like the ones you often hear about on the radio—complete with instrumental accompaniment and everything—but most of the time, it just sounds like someone is humming to it. Sometimes quietly, but more often than not, vehemently like they’re having a concert in the shower, not caring if the neighbors might hear.

As someone who rarely listens to mainstream music, you don’t keep up with the trend these days but the tunes are catchy enough that you think, maybe, it’s one of those Justin Bieber’s songs people always talk about. You’re not fond of it, though, so even if you’ve heard it somewhere in a cafe or a mall, there’s very little chance you’ll be humming it in your head.

And yet, it keeps on playing.

It gets worse when it goes on for a whole day—a whole fucking day—that your brain feels like it’s seconds away from bursting into pieces. It doesn’t even sound like your voice. It seems like it belongs to a male, a bit light and a pitch higher than most. Though it sounds pleasant, the voice is unfamiliar to your ears and that’s what bothers you the most. 

Trying your best to escape, you plug in your AirPods to your earholes, choosing one of the most beloved tracks from your playlist—today, it’s Bloom by The Paper Kites—to help you relax as you lie down on your bed. But no matter how many times you turn up the volume—it’s practically turning you deaf, ironically—you can still hear that one goddamn song playing.

“Oh my God,” you groan, projecting a murderous glare at the ceiling of your room before you shriek all of your heart’s content to your pillow. “Make it stop!”

This has been going on ever since your twentieth birthday and it’s been three months since then—three months of suffering, to be exact. Fortunately for you, you haven’t been listening to the same song for those amount of time—God, you would’ve killed yourself if that was the case. The song changes without warning. It can change ten times within a day, or stay the same for ten days. You have never heard of these songs except for the popular ones, and even then, you only ever listened to snippets as they don’t suit your taste. 

So… It doesn’t make sense that you could recite the whole lyrics, does it? 

And yet, you can. 

Somehow, you already know every word, every tune, even every ad-lib in these songs and it both amazes and creeps you out. It’s as if somebody else is singing about it in their mind, and you, somehow, are mentally connected to them.

But that’s surely not the case, right?

With more days passing by, as your brain deteriorates little by little, you start to think that maybe that is the case.

Or maybe you’re just going crazy.

It’s nine in the morning and your eyes are bleary from how you involuntarily skipped sleep last night. With the loudest sigh and your half-charged MacBook sitting still in your backpack, you let your wobbly legs carry you to the nearest coffee shop. There’s a new Starbucks store opening just a couple of blocks away from your apartment and it’s perfect since you’re going to pass it every day on your way to college. 

You’re not excited though, not when you have Michael Jackson’s Man in The Mirror playing in your head for the, approximately, thirty-fifth time that day. And it’s only nine in the fucking morning.

When you enter the coffee shop, greeted by a cute Christmas tree and festive decorations spreading all over the place even when it’s still three weeks away from the holiday, you almost weep in joy when the song stops playing in your head. It does happen from time-to-time, sometimes it stops for a few hours before it starts again with the same song or an entirely different one. But in most cases, it only pauses for a few minutes which just doubles the torture whenever you’re trying to concentrate on your paperwork.

“Hi.” You display a timid smile at a female barista, slightly wincing when the song in your head starts blaring again, as expected. It’s still the same song this time—so that thirty-sixth by now, Jesus Christ—but instead of someone humming it, it’s the original version that plays. You’re having trouble focusing on her greeting when the sound of a synthesizer echoes through your ear, stridently so. “I would like a tall skinny latte with a double shot, please.”

“Would you like anything else to accompany your drink?”

Perhaps a gun to blow my head off? “No, thanks. That’d be all for me.”

“Is that for here or to go?”

You take a quick scan of your surroundings. You still have an hour before your first class starts and since the place isn’t that crowded, you figure you might as well just spend some time here. “For here.”

You tell her your name and slide down your card to complete the payment. “All right. We will call your name once your order is ready.”

“Fantastic. Thanks.” As the female barista takes an order from another customer, you drag yourself to an empty seat in the corner of the room, next to the glassy window where you can glance at passersby. You lay your head down on the table, cheek pressed against the wooden surface, lower lip jutting out in weariness. You’re drowsy and you want to think about the snow that’s probably gonna fall sometimes near Christmas’ Day and maybe the sight of a warm fireplace where you can cozy up with your imaginary boyfriend (also known as Jung Jaehyun—that one perfect boy who lives just across of your hallway), but no, unfortunately for you, you no longer have any space left in your brain since Michael Jackson is performing a damn concert and it doesn’t seem like he’s gonna stop anytime soon.

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror…” Great, now you’re singing it. “I’m asking him to change his ways…”

The music in your head abruptly stops again but before you can close your eyes to finally enjoy your silence, a familiar voice chimes in.

“It’s a great song, isn’t it?”

Shocked, you quickly lift your head to identify a male barista placing down a cup of your ordered latte on your table. You swear you recognize his voice but his face doesn’t ring a bell.

“Hi,” he greets, smiling a bit sheepishly. “I don’t usually bring orders directly to the table but I think I misheard your name so I couldn’t call you out from there.”

“That’s, umm, that’s okay…” You hide the bottom half of your face behind your scarf as you’re not used to talking to a stranger, especially one that looks overwhelmingly pretty. “What did you think my name was?”

“Umm…” He rubs the back of his nape awkwardly. “I don’t think you want to know. It was a bit… inappropriate.”

“R-right…” You glance at the cup. “It says ‘Michael.’”

He chuckles but with only a slight hint of amusement in it. “Yeah, sorry about that. I had to come up with something and it was the first thing that came to mind.”

“And it has…” Your eyes widen when you notice the words he’s written on the side of your cup. It’s not a greeting, it’s not a motivational sentence, it’s the fucking lyrics to Michael Jackson’s Man in The Mirror.

“Yeah, okay, so—” Noticing the appalled look on your face, he hurriedly tries to reason out. “I’ve had this song stuck in my head all day long—I just listened to it a minute ago while making your order—and the lyrics are just so inspirational so I decided to write that down. I hope that’s not too weird.” Then he laughs a little, a tad more genuinely this time. “But I heard you singing that song just now. What are the chances, right?”

You swallow hard. He’s been thinking about that song too? Listened to it a minute ago? What are the chances of this is happening? Is he the one whose voices I’ve been hearing in my head—

The male barista abruptly takes a step back, his tray nearly slipping out of his hold. He has a hand pressed against his ear, eyes blinking several times in disbelief. “Holy shit.”

“Excuse me?”

“You—” He splutters, Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “I can’t believe it’s real.”

“What?” The way he seems like he’s looking at a ghost sends goosebumps all over your skin. “What is it?”

“Think about something.” 

“Umm—” What is he talking about?

This time he gapes, his jaw dropping low. “Holy shit, I can really hear you. Think about something else—think about me.”

“Look, I don’t know you and you’re being weird.” The sudden change of conversation baffles you but when his words sink in, you can’t stop yourself from thinking about him as he orders. He’s cute, his entire features are cute—you’ve noticed that from the first second you laid your eyes on him, but what catches your eyes the most is his lips—the way they’re shaped so beautifully, like a cupid’s bow—

“You’re thinking about my lips? Seriously?” He asks, but might as well splash cold water to your face. “If you said something about my eyes, sure, I mean, they are attractive. One might even say that God Himself took the stars from the sky and put them in my eyes—but my lips? Huh, that’s new.”

You loudly gasp when you’re finally aware of the situation, hands flying to your face to cover your gaping mouth. “You can hear my thoughts!”

“And you can hear mine too!” He points out, and as startled as you are from the previous realization, you instantly frown upon his words. 

“I don’t think so,” you reply. “I can only hear—”

“Donghyuck-ah!” Another barista comes to interrupt from the other side of the room. “We didn’t pay you to flirt, come back here!”

“I wasn’t flirting!” He shouts back, tips of his ears reddening. When he turns to you again, he has a prominent scowl on his face which makes you squirm on your feet. “We need to talk about this. My break is in an hour, do you think you can wait?”

It sounds more like an order than a request. “B-but I have a class in an hour.”

“Skip it.”

It takes all the strength in your body to be brave enough to retort back with, “Why don’t you skip your work?”

“I’m already half-done with my work, I can’t bail out now.” He rolls his eyes. Suddenly, his courteousness just vanishes without a trace. “Look, I’ve been hearing your thoughts for months now and I have a lot to complain to you about.”

You grimace. “It’s not like I can control my thoughts—”

“I know, I’m not blaming you.” He picks up the tray, his gaze softening but only slightly. “I just want to complain. You’ve been driving me crazy these past few months.”

You glance away, pouting. Wow, he surely knows how to befriend a stranger.

“I can hear you, you know.” He sighs as if talking to you is exhausting, when it should be the other way around. “Look, I’m sure you’ve been going through the same thing. Don’t you want this to stop?”

You’re not wasting any second. “Yes, please.”

“Then wait for me. We’ll talk this through.” He pivots on his heels, his tray glued to his side. When you can finally breathe properly, exhausted from the social interaction as you sink back to your seat, the barista—Donghyuck—adds, “Oh, as you wait. Can you please stop thinking about my lips? Or just how cute I am in general? It’s sweet but I gotta concentrate so I won’t write another Michael on my next order.”

You slam your forehead down the table, face aflame. “I-I’ll try.”

“Thanks.”

***

“You just can’t stop thinking about my lips, can you?” Is the first thing Donghyuck states out as soon as he’s approached your table. He runs a hand through his brown hair, which looks out-worldly fluffy that you begin to wonder what kind of hair product he’s been using. “Or my hair.”

Mortified, you mumble out, “I’m sorry,” with half of your face covered by your hands. The more I try not to think about his lips, the more I do—shit, is he hearing this too—

“Yes,” Donghyuck says, but this time with an amused smile. “Man, I didn’t know my lips were that appealing to ladies. You’re gonna make me blush.”

Well, he’s making you blush for sure. “Would it be too much to ask for you to stop listening to my thoughts?”

“Believe me, woman, I’ve tried.” He groans, taking his apron off before he sits in front of you. He loosens up his collar, unbuttoning two buttons of his white shirt—which is two more than necessary to your liking—and you have to gaze away before another thought forms inside your head about a certain part of his body. 

“Sorry if I came on too strong before. I’m Lee Donghyuck,” he introduces formally, offering you his hand. You reply with your name but you’re reluctant to shake his hand since you’re sure you’re breaking into a cold sweat, and an overly sweaty palm doesn’t really scream attractive—

“It’s literally just a handshake,” he says, stifling down a laugh. “I’m not gonna start judging you about it. You’re cute, sweaty palms or not.”

You nearly choke. “If I can’t ask you to stop listening to my thoughts, can you please be quiet about them?”

“That’s also impossible since talking is an integral part of my charm.” He leans back to his chair. “I’m pretty good with my mouth.”

That was… a poor choice of words, you think, as you stare at his lips and can’t help but wonder what can that mouth do other than talking. You take a bite of the bagel you just ordered, desperately trying to avert your attention.

“It wasn’t a poor choice of words.” He winks. “I did mean that in every way possible.”

This time, you really are choking.

“Okay, so what’s happening to us?” Donghyuck questions, after you manage to shed a tear or two during your attempt in relieving your throat. “Why have I been hearing your thoughts? I don’t even know you.”

“Same here.” You’re still going through a hard time keeping eye contact with him, but with more seconds passing by—and him pronouncing every bit of your thoughts out in the open—the knots inside your chest begin to loosen. “Ever since I turned twenty, I’ve been hearing these songs playing in my head that I’d never even heard of.”

“Never heard of?” Donghyuck snorts. “What, you never listen to Billboard’s top forty?”

You weakly shrug. “I prefer indie music better. Or instrumentals.”

“I would say that you have a soul of an old lady but the way you’ve been thinking about my lips reminds me of my sister who’s going through puberty.”

“Okay, this isn’t fair.” You shake your head, ashamed and tired of being humiliated over something you can’t fix. “Why can you hear my thoughts but I can’t hear yours?”

“Believe me, you’re much better off this way.” His face contorts in pain which makes you feel somewhat sorry if he’s not constantly being an ass about it. Hearing your insult, he notes, “Also, I’d prefer to be called with terms of endearment in the future, if that’s okay with you. Something like Babe or Darling.” The way he raises his eyebrow is just strictly illegal. “And in return, I’ll call you Sweetheart.” But before you can say anything—or run toward a running bus to put an end to this endless humiliation—he questions, “Wait, when you hear the songs I’ve been thinking in my head, does it sound like the original version of the song, or like me singing it?”

Finally, a proper conversation. “If you’re listening to the actual music, I can hear the original song as if I’m hearing it through my headphones. But when you’re just thinking about it, well, I‘ve never heard you sing, but,” you decide to tease him back—which startles you from how blatant you’re being. “From how amateur and pitchy this voice sounded in my head, I think I’ve been hearing yours.”

“Cute.” He scrunches up his nose. “Okay, let’s try again. Can you hear what song running through my head now?”

You stiffen, sitting in silence. After a few seconds pass by with only you exchanging stern stares at each other, your eyes gleam with a spark of hope. “Wait, I can’t hear you. Does this mean it stops? Because we’ve met in person?”

“Sadly no, because I was just thinking about how silly you looked when you choked over your food earlier.” He chuckles to himself and sends you another wink when you degrade him in your head. “Okay, let’s try again.”

“For real this time?”

“For real this time, Sweetheart.” He closes his eyes, holding back a smile when he catches how you flinch a little at his pet name for you. This time, you really do hear him humming inside your mind. “Don’t tell me by words,” he immediately adds, “Just think about them.”

Heaving a sigh, you close your eyes too. I’ve heard this song somewhere.

“If you’ve never heard about this song, I will literally cry and apologize to the world on your behalf.”

Be quiet, please, I’m trying to concentrate.

“Worried that you’d be thinking about my lips again?”

You almost fall from your seat. Almost. Okay, you’re singing to… You knit your eyebrows together as you provide your best effort to remember the tunes. You’re singing to Super Mario Bros theme song?

“Correct.” He taps his fingers to the table, simpering. “This is actually pretty cool. We can be, like, partners in crime or something.”

You shudder. “Please don’t tell me you’re an actual criminal.”

“If looking this handsome is a crime then I am, yes. Guilty as charged.” He makes a kissy face when you think about throwing the rest of your bagel to his head. “You look like someone who writes fan-fiction about their idols having sappy first kisses in your spare time but you’re actually pretty wild in your head, aren’t you?” He loves seeing your reactions, you know that, so you give your all in trying to act nonchalant. “Now, let’s try again. Did you bring your headphones with you?”

You check your coat’s pocket. “I got my AirPods.”

“Perfect. Put them on and play something from your phone.” As someone who’s pretty carefree, he can get serious at times. “Play as loud as you can until you feel like you’re going deaf.”

“I’ve tried that many times.” You nearly wail at the memory. “But it’s hard to drown your voice since it comes from inside my head.”

“Yeah, I know that. I’ve been hearing your thoughts too, remember? Don’t you think I would at least try something like that?” You narrow your eyes menacingly at him but he simply waves you off. “Anyway, that’s not what I’m trying to do. Put them on and you’ll see.”

He’s ordering you around. He just met you and he’s ordering you around. Socializing with people in general already zaps your energy pretty quickly, so socializing with a brat—

“I’ll grow on you, don’t worry.” He smirks and you take a mental note to really learn how to control your thoughts this time.

You follow his lead, as requested, connecting your AirPods to your phone and play something relaxing—because God knows how desperately you need it—as loudly as you can bear. Okay, go try… whatever it is that you want to try.

He smiles and shifts slightly on his seat, facing the window. His eyes glimmer under the light when he parts his lips, mouthing some words—no, singing something that you can’t hear.

Wait. I can’t hear?

Donghyuck glances at you, a grin breaking further on his lips upon hearing your thought. He gestures to you to take your AirPods away and you nod. Vacation Manor’s You promptly fades as his voice enters, and it’s weird because you’ve heard him sing in your head so many times yet it doesn’t do justice to how beautiful he sounds in real life.

It’s almost angelic, the sound he makes, which is kind of ironic for a little devil that he is. His honeyed voice is soothing, almost like the patter of rain on your window at dawn, lulling you back to sleep. You’re no expert in music but to you, he sounds impeccable that you run out of words to describe how pleasant his voice is to your ears. It’s so distinct, soulful—

Donghyuck giggles. “Thanks.”

—and annoying. “Okay, so what happened?” You try to divert the topic. “I can’t hear you when you’re singing out loud, but I can hear it when you’re thinking about a song?”

“I guess so.” He furrows his eyebrows, deep within his thoughts. “I figured it out when I couldn’t hear your thoughts whenever you spoke out loud. I think we can work from this?”

“So instead of thinking about what I have to say, I should focus more on saying what I want to say?” You shake in horror. “I don’t think I can do that.”

“What, you don’t like talking?”

“I’m…” You swallow your breath. “I’m not really good at that.”

“You’re talking to me just fine now, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, because you make it so easy.”

“Aaw,” he purrs, a lopsided smile painting his face. “Thanks, Sweetheart.”

“No.” You hold up a hand. “I mean, since you can hear my thoughts, I have no other choice but to speak. Also, you seem like you’re the type who just says whatever that comes to mind without worrying too much about my feelings—”

“Hey, now you’re just making me sound rude—”

“You are rude,” You emphasize. “But it works well with me because then I don’t have to hold myself back and pretend to be somebody else.”

“Why do you have to pretend?” He frowns. “Because you’re afraid people are gonna hate you? Judge you on your words?”

“It’s…” You look away, nibbling on your bottom lip. “I just… I’m trying to be a good person so people will like me—”

“I like you,” he says casually as if he was talking about having a cute Pomeranian as a pet, and there you are, almost fainting in your seat. “I mean, in the last forty minutes I’ve known you, I think you’re great the way you are. You don’t have to be good, you just have to be you.” He shifts closer, crossing his arms on the table, and lays his chin on them, gazing up at you with a soft smile that doesn’t match well with his previous attitude. “Don’t you think it’s great if people accept you the way you are?”

You hurriedly take a sip of your coffee, pretending to swallow even if it’s already empty. “You’re… not so bad yourself.”

“What was that?”

“Okay, well I think I should go.” There’s no way you’re gonna repeat that. Donghyuck titters, taking a hold of your wrist when you’re about to stand up from your seat.

“We still have loads to talk about.” You observe the way his fingers linger around your arm, his sun-kissed skin feels silky smooth against your own. “Why don’t we have lunch together? My treat?”

“D-don’t you have work to do?”

“I’ll make an excuse.” 

A barista with the word Jeno written on his name tag walks by and slaps Donghyuck on the back of his head as if it’s something he’s done on a daily basis—probably is. “You’re not going anywhere, asswipe, get back to work.”

When the brunette boy turns to you, he winces. “Or maybe you can give me your number so we can meet up later?”

***

A/N: I’m both nervous and excited for this as this is my first collaboration. Thank you so much, Denise, for having me on this wonderful collab!

[sprinklesandshatters]

A Review on NCT 127′s 3rd Album <Sticker>

So NCT 127 just came back with their 3rd Full Album <Sticker> and this is my first 127 comeback since I became a fan last year! Neozone is such a special album for me as it was their first album that I explored entirely. I've known NCT as the group who never fails any expectations so I've kept mine up although I know they'll exceed it anyway. And guess what, they did! I absolutely love their new album hence this review~

This isn't a technical music review—as I am not a musician myself—but rather a listener's honest takes, goofy notes, and interpretation on each of the tracks in the album. I admit I've also struggled to build my own opinions on some of the tracks until I listened to them over and over again.

I have also heard there are mixed opinions on the title track <Sticker> and a lot says it's another acquired taste. But I think it's not just that, as it can be a grower, just like how most of NCT's songs were for me. Maybe after a few listens and a right passage of time, it will grow on those people. The bottom line here is, I like it a lot! 😛

So I listed down the songs according to their respective track numbers and followed each with a bulleted list of my opinions and interpretations.

(Viewer/reader discretion: before you continue, minors, do not interact as there are few 18+ contents under the cut. Thank you.)

1. Sticker

THEY DIDN'T JUST PUNCH A NEW NOTCH ON THE BELT LIKE THAT

THIS SONG SLAPS, LITERALLY SLAPS… AND WHIPS 

The recorder at the intro boyyyy I thought something was wrong but then I remember it’s NCT lmao

It already stuck in my head from my first listen from the Instagram audio.

With Taeyong opening the verse with his divine rapping, I knew I'm in for a new ride.

STICK-UH STICK-UGH STICK-UGHGHGH

To those complaining it sounding like noise music, imagine it sounding generic. I don't think it would fit as the title track. Not a b-track or in their repertoire, even. They are called NCT because they define the NEO in the music culture and music technology!

It honestly was an unorthodox, just like all of their title tracks, which I’m inherently here for.

Literally, no one does it like them!

The growls and the vocal flexes and adlibs! (You can tell it has Yoo Youngjin's brand.)

The crisp metronome sound that’s consistently ticking except for the pre-chorus and the dance break adds depth to the soundscape. I love how it’s used instead of the usual snaps.

The production quality blew my mind. Like how can someone think those melodies would sound so exquisite? CAN I CALL THEM GENIUS?

The piano at the back, oh my God—Yes! It adds this mystifying element to the song.

I'm not sure if it's a midi violin at the pre-chorus, but it added thrill to the song. It was a great transition from the bass line in the verses to the combination of the flawless harmony with the same instrumental.

"You treat me like a boy, like a grown-up child chasing a dream" JUNGWOO BABY NO MORE HUH

Taeil, Doyoung, and Haechan—the bridge vocal trinity!

But why the heck are they cowboys? I dig the concept, but why? LMAO

BTW GUNSLINGER MARK I’M ON MY KNEES YEEHAW

This is easily one of my favorite tracks from NCT 127's entire discography 💚

2. Lemonade

(⌐■_■)

Jaehyun starting off this song with his deep voice eee

The song opens to a verse oozing with chill confidence. They're like, yeah you're lurking because we’re cool.

This is such a huge slap to their haters. NCT's not chillin' like a villain, nah they're the main characters!

Well maybe they’re villains, but still ya not cooler than them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Funny enough how they could have just referred haters as simply lemons whose sour/bitter to the taste, but 127 squad's success is sweeter than all the haters' spiteful remarks so yeah, SIPPY SIPPY LEMONADE 🧃

"WOOF"

I might have just barked too wOW

Yuta’s vocals hooooO his voice just sounds so glamorous mhmm

Also Mark referencing their previous title tracks such as: Firetruck, Cherry Bomb, and Regular (it's Irregular in the lyrics) in his rap part 👌💅

I just love Mark's energy when he raps. HE RESOLUTELY BITES AND STRAIGHT UP EATS EVERY TIME HE DOES.

3. Breakfast

Now breakfast time, oh jeez!

AAAHAHFU—

Summer 127's bestie!

If Summer 127 talks about dancing all night long, Breakfast is the morning after.

You know what it is.

"Even if I gulp and drink you, it's not enough for me." oho Taeyong no you ha—STOP

Sexual innuendos aside, isn't it just sweet if someone tells you they'd want to have breakfast with you every day?  Okay maybe I'm melting at the thought 😩🙈💞

And I can see myself dancing to this song as I make breakfast (in the afternoon or at midnight bc I’m crazy)

This was an okay b-track for me at the first skim on the album, but boy it grew on me wildly.

Honestly one of my favorite tracks in this album.

4. Focus

Did I just invade a private call? LMAO

The analog voice filters make it like so.

Dude, this feels intimate in the level of eavesdropping a phone call between seasoned lovers. Then you realize you hear them whispering their kinks over the line and you're ooh, that's sexy! hfgklhfhf

My first listen to this, I almost went feral because,

"I can't wait to eat you…" when it's actually "I can't wait 'til we chill…" aahaha

"Baby call me when you want me." OKAY!

This sounds relaxing and chill. I'd love to play this on a late night drive or just before bed time along with Fly Away With Me, Sun & Moon, My Youth, and Long Flight.

Belongs to ‘make out session’ playlist  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

That was lowkey a playlist recommendation, huh?

I'd be kidding if I don't say I could touch myself while listening to this song AHAHAFGHFJFJ

I didn't know this would grow on me this much lol I love love LOVE THIS!

5. The Rainy Night

Ooh, the holy melancholy!

Piano at the intro—I knew I'd cry to this.

This song isn't just about break-up, but the heartbreak after one.

The yearning; the remnant pieces from the shattering of what was once there.

I think I crumbled from this one.

This hit so hard I felt like I fit in the shoes with the lyrics throughout the entire song.

What’s fascinating is I clearly forgot the title when I mentally said this sounds like a sad rainy day song from the first listen.

Something I’d turn up when it suddenly rains, just because I want to feel the blues.

Taeil and Haechan singing in lower register? I wanna cry :( they’re just one of the best vocalists in K-music industry right now.

Could have been also nice if they added Yuta to the vocals.

"My selfish heart who waits for you to come back," OKAY WHO HURT THEM?

And the fact that they sang it so good that it translated every ounce of the emotions well even before I looked up for English translations is the reason why I love this song too.

6. Far

Hmm… What the hell?! Do I like this? Wait...

Alright!

The jumpy vibe from the first verse to the pre-chorus set the mood for this song. It sounds merry and heavy. It was honestly too much to take until I’ve reached the chorus part.

Honestly, I think this song could fit NCT Dream better, as it gives off a vibe similar to Hello Future's b-tracks. If some credible source say this could have made HF’s track list, I might believe you too fast.

Also Dream’s Deja Vu where they go na nananananana na na na~

Playful yet confident! That’s what I mean!

As usual, the vocals are insane! Vocal flex from left to right!

I swear Jungwoo sounded a bit like Taemin at the second verse that I had to replay it hahaha

I love hearing Johnny as a vocalist! SM, how many signs do you need until you utilize his vocal talent???

Taeil's part where he sings, "go nuts, go nuts, 'til we go bust, go bust" IDEK BUT I SNORTED A LAUGH AT FIRST LISTEN HFCAHKFHK

Not my favorite, but still great though!

But wait it’s actually stuck in my head???

7. Bring The Noize

Yes, they never beat those noise music allegations

HERE'S SOME NOIZE, BITCHES

I love me some noisy percussions. AND THE BASS YO

This screams so much confidence!

The build up from the pre-chorus to the chorus—FIRE!

This song reminds me a lot of SuperM's Super Car, especially with the engine roar samples and the battle cry-like singing at the chorus.

JAEHYUN RAPPING? You mean Jaehyun the visual, the vocalist, the actor, the model, the funny dude, aka my everything?! (markie bb look pls look away for a moment)

THEY DELIVERED IT STRAIGHT FROM NEOCITY THAT'S SOME NCT MUSIC RIGHT THERE NO ONE DOES IT LIKE THEM

When I said I'd play Focus on a late night drive, and if I add this in the playlist, VROOM VROOM SPEED LIMIT WHAT

OUTTA MY WAY

“We got no shame” ouh TAEYONG’S FLOW IS JUST VERY HIM AND HE’S IN A LEAGUE OF HIS OWN

You know what's so clever about this song? It's how it ended with Mark's final rap without any instrumental, leaving you  standing there with a doppler effect-like post experience.

A super car on a super speed just whooshed past you and you look its way as it zips through the road. It's gone in an instant but you're floored dumbfounded at a sidewalk. That's how I describe this song.

8. Magic Carpet Ride

This song… Wow. Oh gosh it's so beautiful.

Their harmony in the chorus—it makes me want to kiss someone so passionately that I'd cry.

This makes me want to feel love that transcends the universe. Literally, just please take me on a magic carpet ride :(

The background harmonies too oh my goodness—HEAVENLY.

Jaehyun's voice is so warm and soulful it fits perfectly with songs of this genre.

Okay alright Doyoung Grande!

And Taeil makes me feel like I'm listening to old school R&B.

The first time I heard this from the track video, I can't stop replaying because it's just that great.

This makes me want to love. I think that sums it up.

9. Road Trip

This is such a soothing song for me, especially how I easily become nostalgic thinking about the road trips I've had.

Whenever I listen to this, my brain immediately conjures up thoughts of my ideal getaways. Gazing at the sky through the car window, stirring up from a nap in the middle of the ride, and   eventually reaching your destination.

Oh, to travel around anywhere... (curse you covid-19)

Okay that's it. I'M PACKING UP.

But where do I go—

I could also imagine Mark playing this on the guitar and the other members sing along together, something like that.

Just Wholesome™ vibes.

I love how it evokes such a nice emotion within me effortlessly.

This isn't my favorite, but I still love this.

10. Dreamer

Eyyyy such a refreshing song!

This song is so bright it makes me want to dance. I play this first in the shower!

It reminds me so much of Elevator (from Neozone)

The horns make it more lively I think!

Yuta and Jungwoo's voice suits lively songs like this.

The background vocal in low register in Taeyong's part in the first verse is so good ahhfhf

Taeil, the R&B vocal king you are...

There's this part where Doyoung and Johnny harmonized, that at first listen they seemed to clash, but it sounded actually fine after a few listens. Maybe it's just that I've never heard them do it before.

And I think it's Doyoung's laugh at the end of the bridge? Oh my goodness I really love this too!

11. Promise You

MY FIRST LOVE AND MOST FAVORITE SONG IN THE ALBUM!!!

The first time I heard this from their NCIT Sharehouse Sitcom, I fell in love with the song already.

It sounds like something you'd feel from a warm, welcoming hug.

The lyrics are so beautiful and endearing. It's definitely a be-there-for-you type of song that will touch your heart.

It definitely sounds like a promise.

A song about platonic intimacy.

This really fits to be the closing song of the album. It's like the end of it but holds a promise that says “see you soon.”

Because they cherish their fans like that.

It's also like I've watched a movie with a happy ending, where the camera pans up to the clear sky and this song starts playing.

Speaking of ending, I would love to hear them sing this as an encore stage in their concert. You know, that moment just before the stage lights die down at the end of the concert where they send final blows of flying kisses to NCTzens. Then you come home smiling and crying.

This wasn't supposed to be this long since I originally planned to write this with just simple phrases and emojis but I got too engrossed lol. I also meant to include my own ratings but I figured it’s pointless since I can’t really decide about them hahaha

I really enjoyed the whole album and I love how they're progressively defining what NEO means by breaking through standards. It's not NCT music if it doesn't make you say "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?" But then you realize it’s stuck in your head and you’re enjoying it already.

✨ OVERALL RATING: 127/10 💚

if you’ve reached until here, thank you for letting me share you a braincell or two 💞

[udonthreens]

top 5 disco elysium moments i have never played the game but ithink you should explain it like i know everything already anyways

anon uve triggered my autism beam

these r vaguely ranked but also i. i dont promise coherency and if i thought abt it with more brain theyd be different.

5) ok this is the last one im writing and idk. theres so many good scenes and moments and nevermind. the chair. the fucking CHAIR and evrart. it took me 200hrs to see what happens when u PASS the composure check like. tbh failing this check is basically canon. slide down it like a jello shot. again like the megarich container guy this is one of those possible early moments of 'ou this games a fucking weird comedy' and i just. best way to assert dominance with the corrupt commie boss like 'what a great display of... idek what that was' and im pretty sure u lose a rep point with kim if u fail it too like. kim dont be mad this is just my interogattion technique im not giving the rcm a bad rep i promise kim

actually some honourable mentions: lamby, boardgames with kim, joyce pale convo, kim voice dilligent boy, THE CHURCH I DIDNT MENTION THE CHURCH i love doin the dance after gettin shot its so funny. love the rave kids. shivers voice theres a hole in my heart. the fucking 'lookin to score some d girl!' bit with kim & acele thats comedy gold actually. thats brilliant. i might just start listening everything. pinball with kim when u pass it im just like. kim why dyou sound so smitten . the piss and fuck jackets. actually i really like the whole bit with the working class woman that was Devasting. even more so when i realised u could actually tell her ud look for her husband ...... i liked the jamais vu viscal pleasure wheel bit after (i think that was added with the update? yes it was) altho i dont remember specifics just. his brain reconstructin smth as idk.. smth to make him feel better? felt bittersweet. i should go see that scene again.

ok ill fuckin wrap this up. 'are u... a really good detective?' great line and not a moment per say but. the fact that jean just. hangs around the whirling for several days in that fuckin wig like, obvs he doesnt move spots bcs its a video game (despite the edc lines showin that he does do other shit) cuz u need to know where to find him. but he just fuckin commits like. the character building from all this shit for whats technically a minor character. brilliant. doesnt HE have a fuckin job to do. also titus is always in the whirling for the same video game reason so like. yes. yes to that rarepair.

3) communist book club and the tower building that was soooooo cool not to mention the fuckin hilarity of readin bout inframaterialism for the first time nd going "???? is this pseudoscience in the game or can it ACTUALLY fucking happen like wtf"

2) karoke. pass over fail tbh limbic system KILLS it (and its more lyrical spoken word doesnt fit the song nd also i thot id actually hear harrys voice during that scene and we kinda did but like thats a different tangent) and kims support 'detective du bois... it was down right tragic' and the edc or concept check? concept i 5hink that was like 'to him that represented being an rcm member perfectly' like HELLO??? kim bestie its not 2 late for a career change. AND not to mention gartes reaction to it like... u really get the feeling that he Will get rid of the machine if harry fucks it up. however i do like the pass as well bcs a) harrys had enough cringe fail b) jeans deadbeat litany of 'yeah its shit it sucked awful' like. thats how he talks 2 harry when hes being NICE its so funny. het life partners <33

4) mega rich light bending guy. AGAIN the weiss thingymay coefficent where ur like 'is this an actual Thing or is harry just fuckin insane' nd also i crit succeeded on my first playthru real early on when i hadnt seen any of the wacky shit yet nd it just. the -2 if u have the artcop thought the fuckin ultralib shit . u get like 4 ultralib points at LEAST if u pass/fail the right concept check. god not to mention kim earnestly suggesting rcm reforms like kim bestie kim kim my bestfriend kim its not 2 late for a career change. also if u get the 100 real and kims like 'ur full of surprises most of them bad but some of them good' soooo true <33

1) salami man.

[luminnara]

The Dismemberment Song | BOP Victor Zsasz x Reader | 18+

Fandom: Birds of Prey

Words: 3,791

Summary: Zsasz takes a liking to one of the burlesque dancers at Roman’s club.

PART ONE | PART TWO |

WARNINGS: graphic blood/gore/violence, reader may or may not torture and murder a guy, alcohol, all that good Gotham stuff, reader is kinda fucked up

Seriously, don’t read this if you don’t like blood

Based on The Dismemberment Song by Blue Kid! 

This is written as a kinda vague fem!reader, but if there’s interest I can always write alternate versions for different genders, more specific body/personality types, or whatever else might tickle your fancy! Just hit up my ask box!

Requests are open!! Pls, I really wanna write more Zsasz or Zsaszmask x reader, gimme ideas!

The Black Mask was a club that boasted only the best of the best. Top shelf booze, luxurious furnishings, and entertainers that Gotham’s other club owners wished they could get their hands on all came together to form the East End’s trendiest spot. You were lucky enough to be one of those very entertainers, and you had been performing onstage at Roman’s club ever since one of his goons saw you dancing at another spot across town. Roman Sionis had bought you easily, promising a good nightly wage and all the free drinks you could stomach, and a few years later, you were still enjoying the nice gig at the Black Mask. 

Most nights were the same; you showed up around seven, hung around in the dressing room with the others while you all got ready, and enjoyed a drink or two before your first number. You were always in the chorus, not that you really minded--Roman paid you more than enough to keep you happy, even though you knew the stars got more. Girls who did solo numbers, especially if they could sing, those were Mr. Sionis’s favorites. You never really expected to achieve that kind of status, not when people like Dinah Lance were around and holding his attention, so when Roman pulled you aside one night to tell you that he wanted to give you the chance to do your own routine, you nearly dropped your drink. 

“Full creative control,” he said, a hand resting at the small of your back as you gaped at him. 

“I--what?” you managed to choke out. “I-I mean, thank you, Mr. Sionis, really--”

“Please,” he chuckled. “Call me Roman.”

“Thank you, Roman,” you smiled, swallowing down your fear. “I won’t disappoint you, I swear.” 

“I know you won’t, doll.” he motioned for someone to bring him a drink. “Full creative control, like I said. I want to see what’s swirling around in that pretty mind of yours. Put some heart into it for me, k doll?”

You nodded. “You got it, boss.”

He grinned, hugging you to his side and pressing a kiss against your temple like he did with all the girls he liked. “Looking forward to it, beautiful.”

He let you go, turning to leave, and Zsasz slunk after him, but not before casting you an almost annoyed look. 

“Don’t disappoint,” he teased, whistling low before he followed his boss. 

You gulped. You were sure he wouldn’t mind peeling your face off, but you rather preferred staying alive.

“I won’t!” you called after him bravely. 

He glanced at you over his shoulder, his eyes practically boring into you as if were sizing you up. He thought you were just some prissy little girl, didn’t he? Just like Roman, just like everybody else. But you would show them. They wanted to see what kind of shit really ate at your brain? Oh, you’d give them a nice little glimpse.

And so, only a couple shorts weeks later, here you were, getting ready in the dressing room like usual, only you were far more nervous than you had been for any other shift. You had busted your ass getting everything ready, even taking a few nights off to work twice as hard on what you hoped would be a good debut. You had given the band their sheet music, you had learned your lyrics inside and out (because you were absolutely determined to go that extra mile for Roman Sionis and show him that not only could you prance around onstage, but you could sing, too), and you had spent hours upon hours hand-decorating an old corset and lingerie set you had sitting around. Roman wanted this to come from the heart, he wanted a passion project, and you were gonna give it to him. 

You just had to pray that he was in the right mood to enjoy it.

“Think you’re good to go, my love,” the house mom said as she finished with your hair. 

You stared at yourself in the mirror. So far, so good...your hair was in big barrel curls, still warm to the touch as your house mom gave it a couple more passes with the hairspray for good measure. 

“You sure I don’t need--”

“You’re gonna knock ‘em dead,” she interrupted, retreating to her usual chair. 

You kept staring at your reflection. “Do you think it’s too much? I mean...”

She laughed loudly. “Hon, this is Gotham. There’s no such thing as too much.”

Glancing down at your outfit, you weren’t so sure. “But...”

“But nothing. Now go on, go show Roman why he stays in business.”

You stood on shaky legs, nodding to her as you made your way towards the door. “R-right.”

“Break a leg,” she called after you. 

All you could do was nod. You knew what you were doing. You had practiced for hours every day to get ready for this. With a deep breath, you made your way down the hall leading to stage, shaking your hands out as you stood in the wings. You could do this. You were ready.

As soon as your stage name was announced, you stepped out, ruby encrusted heels clicking against the wooden floorboards. The lights were harsh, the crowd quiet as you came out to face them. The stage was set for you, a few props already waiting for you as you stood there, ready for the music to start.

Then, the band began playing, and you sprang into action.

“Hold still, my sweet. I’m tryin to measure the space between your molar and your jaw...” You sang, lunging forward to grab the medical-grade calipers sitting in a metal bucket for you. You trailed them down over your victim’s jaw, smiling as you did so. “...This caliper, no cause for fear. No it...it doesn’t hurt, it only helps me measure how much skin you have...”

Across the club, Zsasz looked up. He was standing near Roman, his boss sitting in a booth while he chatted with some business associates. He was far more interested in you than their conversation, his dark eyes tracking you as you moved across the stage. He was absolutely enthralled by your outfit, your tightly-laced corset covered in blood red rhinestones that glimmered under the stage lights, your matching bra and thong shining just as brightly. You looked like you were covered in blood, the gems catching his eye in a way he hadn’t expected. 

“--and the topmost layer of fat, but I won’t make an incision till you’re nice and numb...” There was an operating table on the stage, where one of Roman’s lowest-ranking goons was tied down. If Zsasz remembered correctly, this guy had fucked up pretty monumentally recently, so seeing him strapped down and struggling brought a grin to his face.

You ran over to the man, the crowd laughing as you leaned across him. “...Oh, and laughing gas can be so much fun, please don’t doubt my decision...”

The scene you had set was both comedic and sexual. In all honesty, Zsasz hadn’t expected you to do anything like this; you were a chorus girl, someone he had thought would go for something overdone and classic. Maybe some old school stupid, annoying, Singin In The Rain type shit, yet there you were, dressed in an outfit that was obviously meant to emulate dripping blood while you flitted around a man on a gurney. 

Zsasz couldn’t look away. 

“This’ll be ooh, this’ll be ahh, this’ll be absolutely whee!” you squealed, teasingly pressing your sawblade to the goon’s torso. “This’ll be nice, this’ll be neat and bring you closer to me...”

You grabbed the goon as he struggled against his restraints, holding him down. Zsasz was sure the man was in on your little number, and he thought it was cute; you were pretending to be some sort of killer, maybe trying to appeal to Roman’s face peely urges. Maybe you were trying to make the boss happy by scaring his lackey like this.

“So don’t you squirm, don't you fret, I'm not gonna hurt you...yet.” You grinned, leaning down before you shoved the man’s face to the side, letting him go as you ran back across the stage. “I just feel the need to be gettin’ a little of you, a lot of blood lettin’, I know the sensation you’re probably dreading...”

You pranced back to the gurney, moving with that little extra theatrical oomph that made everyone think you were just playing. You smiled as they clapped and laughed loudly. They would figure it out soon enough. 

“Cutting you up will be so refreshing for me...” you cooed, discarding the calipers in favor of a scalpel. You traced it down the goon’s bare chest, a little line of blood following the blade as it pierced his flesh. 

He let out a scream, just as you hoped he would, and you gave his little table a shove, sending it wheeling a short distance away. 

“Now don’t you cry,” You sang, “And don’t call Miriam, she’s my alibi...oh let me check your toes out!” You picked up a set of pliers, taking hold of his big toe. “Aren’t your toenails cute?” you grabbed one and pulled, the goon screaming as you removed the nail, leaving a bloody pulp behind. “...and red is such a lovely color on you!” you leaned down in his face, grabbing the opposite foot’s big toenail and yanking. “...But you won’t be needing those!”

Roman began clapping, giving a loud “Whoo!”  as he watched you. He had no idea that when you had asked him for the name of his least favorite henchman, this would be the reason. Now, watching the man suffer onstage in front of everyone while you were dancing around him in six inch heels and a scandalously skimpy outfit, Sionis was more than entertained. He was impressed, absolutely astounding by the cruelty his little burlesque dancer held inside of her. He couldn’t have hoped for more. 

“When you’ve got no knees!” you sang, dropping your weapons in favorite of a crowbar. “...Or shins, or pinky fingers, or arteries....”

You brought your weapon down on each of the man’s legs, somehow still managing to poise yourself perfectly as you did so. You gave him a few good whacks, then dropped the bar, leaning down to pick a knife up out of the bucket and run it over his hands teasingly. 

“...so hold still while I remove them!” you trilled. 

The man tried to sit up, struggling against his restraints, but you shoved him back down with a sweet smile. 

“...Oh, and don’t fight back,” you sang, hopping up to sit next to him. “I think you’ll find you’re missing the point, with that.”

Meanwhile, Victor Zsasz was grinning, showing off his gold teeth while he watched you. He kept a close eye on your hips as they swayed, his trained eyes following your ass as it moved across the stage. Were you really carving a man up right then and there? He wanted it to be true. He wanted to smell the overwhelming tang of blood as you plunged a knife into your victim. But he was too far away, and so he had to settle for watching instead. 

Your victim tried to scream, and you shoved his head to the side playfully. 

“That’s enough outta you!” you sang, holding his jaw tightly.

As you repeated your chorus, your knife returned to the man’s flesh and he grunted in pain, pleading to an audience that didn’t care about him. The Black Mask was a fucked up place for fucked up people, no matter how trendy it was, and nobody in the audience was going to protest when someone was torn apart onstage. Besides, Roman Sionis was far too powerful for the GCPD to go after, and as you heard him laughing loudly in the audience, you had a pretty good feeling that he wasn’t going to send anyone after you for carving somebody up in a way that only you could.

You kept going, peeling your underbust corset off with the same grace and dexterity that Zsasz peeled faces with. As you stood in only your bra, thong, garters and stockings, you felt exhilarated, powerful, as if you had been born to cur people up in front of an audience. 

It’s not like this was your first time chopping a body up, anyways; there was a reason you had to move to Gotham and get a new gig, after all.

Zsasz watched you. In fact, his eyes were glued to you, even when Roman walked away to chat with a few mob bosses in a nearby booth. Were you seriously killing this man right in front of everyone? Victor didn’t necessarily care for all the theatrics, but he could appreciate how seriously you took you took your craft, and he had to admit, he was surprised that this was what you had come up with when Roman told you to give him something good.

“‘Cause I’m all out of hurt, you’ve used up all I’ve got,” you taunted, sneering down at your victim as you brought your saw down on his leg. “So I’m chopping you up and still coming up squat! If I want it to bleed, I’ll just roll up my sleeve and saw and saw and saw...”

The blade cut back and forth, and Zsasz’s eyes followed it. Blood was spurting up, drenching your arms as if you were wearing red opera gloves. 

“And saw, and saw, and saw, and saw....”

“Zsasz, can you believe this?” Roman asked, leaning towards him.

“No, boss,” Zsasz said with a little grin, shaking his head. 

“She’s good. We may have to give her a new job...”

You paused, giving your victim a break as you tossed the saw back into the bucket, drops of blood spattering across the stage as you pulled out a large butcher knife. Before it could touch Roman’s henchman, you used it to flick open the clasp on your bra, tossing the thin little piece of lingerie out into the crowd. You didn’t really care where it went; you were too busy enjoying yourself. 

“This’ll be ooh, this’ll be ahh, this’ll be absolutely whee,” you purred, trailing the blade down the side of the man’s face. “This’ll be nice, this’ll be neat and bring you closer to me...”

“So don’t you squirm, don’t you fret, I’m not gonna hurt you, oh no, no, no, not...yet.” you plunged your blade into his chest, between two of his ribs, not close enough to knick his heart but definitely deep enough to cause him immense pain despite all the adrenaline that was sure to be running through his system now.

You pulled the knife back out, blood dripping off the metal blade as you held it tightly and pranced back across the stage. “I just feel the need to be gettin’ a little of you, a lot of bloodletting, I know the sensation you’re probably dreading but there’s one thing you’re forgetting...”

Turning back to him, you brought the blade to his throat, and in the crowd, Zsasz’s eyes lit up. He was delighted. He was enthralled. His pants were getting a little tight, but whatever. The rest of the audience was gazing up at you with wonder, disgust, amusement...but Zsasz was absolutely admiring the way you so confidently played with your victim. The theatrics were starting to grow on him, he decided, and he wanted nothing more than to go right up there and lick all that blood off your face.

“There’s nothing like the thrill of a shredding,” you sang, almost snarling, “but this is no orthodox beheading...”

You destroyed the man on the gurney, carving through him, drenching yourself in blood in an almost comical way. 

“Cutting you up,” you sang as you made an absolute mess. “Cutting you up...”

“Cutting you up is gonna be....” you finally stepped back, catching your breath as the song slowed. “...so refreshing for me.”

As your routine finished, you took a little bow, still holding the knife as you crossed your ankles and bent at the waist in a delightfully fancy gesture. The man on the gurney was very much dead, blood dripping down onto the stage, and the audience was still eating up every second of it. You could hear Roman cheering, and as you spotted him standing there amidst the crowd with Zsasz at his side, you blew them both a little kiss. 

“How about that?” you heard Roman’s voice boom above the clapping as you strode offstage. “I would call for an encore, but unfortunately, I think we’d need a new victim....”

Your head was still abuzz with the rush of killing, and you walked back to the dressing room in a daze. You were vaguely aware of Dinah Lance wrinkling her nose as you passed her, but you didn’t pay her any mind. Absolutely nothing could kill your good mood now. 

“Well?” the house mom asked as you made your way to your mirror. “Sounds like it went well, judging by those cheers...”

You smiled and hummed to yourself, nodding as you reached for something to clean your face with. You were going to need an entire shower to get all this blood off yourself. 

“Told you.” the house mom snorted a laugh. 

“He loved it,” you grinned. 

She shook her head in amusement. “You are one fucked up girl, I’ll tell you that much.”

“That’s showbiz, baby,” you joked, raising a towel to start working at wiping your face. 

“Oh, pussycat?” a singsong voice made you freeze. 

You could see Zsasz in the mirror. 

He was leaning in the doorway, smirking as he watched you. “Boss wants to talk.”

You paled. Had you fucked up after all? Did Roman get his shits and giggles and now planned on having Zsasz peel your face off? Sionis was infamous for his fickle moods. You’d watched him have plenty of people dragged off into back rooms just for speaking at the wrong time, and you had just done way worse than interrupt him. 

 You gawked at Zsasz, still staring at his reflection. What were you supposed to do? Run? He was blocking the only door, and there was no way you’d be able to get past him. You had no choice but to follow him to Roman. 

“O-Okay,” you managed to stammer out, finally turning towards him. “Lead the way.”

“Might want this.” he held up the bra you had tossed, twirling the strap around his finger while he gave you a smile that showed off his gold teeth.

“Give me that!” you snapped, rushing towards him.

“Ah.” he held it above his head, leering down at you. “Think I like this view more...”

“Zsasz!” you protested, scrambling against his chest and practically trying to claw your way up him to get your lingerie. 

He froze. He finally smelled the metallic tang of all that blood covering you, and coupled with the feeling of your tits against his chest...oh, he was so fucked. 

When he dropped the bra, you grabbed it from him, tossing it back to your mirror and moving to pick up a silky red robe off a nearby hook. You shrugged it on, tying it shut while Zsasz cleared his throat and offered you his arm. 

“Such a gentleman,” you sneered, taking it anyways. 

“When I want to be.” his voice was low and rough, as if his vocal chords were scraping against each other with every syllable. 

You looked up at him, a bit dumbfounded, as he led you out into the club once more. The band was playing as a few people cleaned up the carnage you had left behind, the bar’s patrons all chatting and drinking again. It was as if nothing had even happened and they hadn’t just watched a man be torn apart onstage a few minutes prior. 

Zsasz took you to Roman, the crowd parting before the two of you easily. Sionis was sitting in his favorite booth, sipping his drink and laughing, still seeming to be in a very good mood.

“Ah, there she is!” He said when he saw you, standing up and spreading his arms.

“You wanted to see me, sir?” You asked nervously as Zsasz let you go.

“Yes, yes, I had Mr. Zsasz grab you so that I could congratulate you on a thrilling performance.”

You stared at him. “You liked it?”

“Liked it? I loved it, darling! A bit messy for my tastes, but a lovely show, truly, though I suspect our dear Mr. Zsasz here wishes he could have been the one to take care of your victim. Isn’t that right, Zsasz?”

You glanced up at Zsasz. He grunted, not necessarily in agreement. He didn’t hate watching your performance by any means, and as much as he enjoyed helping little birds fly away from the world, he rather enjoyed watching you do it, too. 

“I’m glad, Mr. Sionis,” you said. 

“I told you, call me Roman.” he took a sip of his drink. “You know, normally, I don’t enjoy it when someone kills the people that belong to me, but I must admit, you certainly have a way with a knife.”

“I would have asked your permission, but I didn’t want to ruin the surprise.” you gulped. 

“And what a lovely surprise it was!” Roman laughed loudly. “You’re very talented...in fact, how’d you like a promotion? Yes? Perfect, perfect! No, no, don’t shake my hand, you’re...well, you’re covered in blood. Quite frankly, it’s disgusting.” He snapped his fingers. “Mr. Zsasz, take her up to the penthouse so she can clean up, I don’t want all this blood getting on the new carpeting in here.”

“Oh, Mr. Sio--Roman,” you cleared your throat, “I can use the shower in the dressing room, really, it’s no trouble--”

“Nonsense, nonsense.” he waved you away. “You’re part of the team now, aren’t you? Besides, a job well done deserves some sort of reward. Zsasz will show you upstairs. Don’t worry, he’s completely harmless.”

As Zsasz put a hand on your lower back, you had your doubts. Harmless wasn’t really a word you would choose to describe Roman’s right hand man. 

“Come on, princess.” Zsasz purred, guiding you through the crowd before you had much of a chance to protest. 

He took you to the elevator in the corner, the bouncer standing guard in front of it stepping aside with a nod. The man hit the up button, and soon, you were pressed up against Zsasz in the small space, on your way up to Roman’s spacious penthouse. 

[watermelonlipstick]

Dreams, Chapter 11

If you haven’t read this series before, you might want to start on Chapter 1, or check out the Dreams Masterlist! Here’s the series description:

When Dean dies for good leaving Sam and his girlfriend (the reader) behind, they must figure out how to carry on without him. Alone, reeling, and unsure what to do next, trying to honor Dean’s memory and follow their hearts gets even more complicated when their nightmares become dreams that feel a little too real.

Title: Dreams, Chapter 11

Pairing: (past) Dean Winchester x Reader, (eventual) Sam Winchester x Reader

Word Count: 2616

Summary: Another dream makes things more clear for the reader and less clear for Sam.

Warnings: angst, fluff, swearing, s l o w  b u r n

           The booths are those plastic-coated pressboard swoops that are so easy to clean, one row down either side of the long room once you walk past the counter to order. Like other pizza places, there are red pepper flakes and grated parmesan on the table, but they also keep ranch dressing in a minifridge behind the counter as a concession to Midwestern sensibilities. You know you’re just outside Dayton just like you know the pizza shop is run by a family, father and two older teenage daughters deftly throwing dough and scattering cheese evenly over it in a way that shows their years of practice. Dean sits across the table with his elbows on it, one forefinger and thumb picking through a plate of nachos between you. His black t-shirt, amulet, and lack of flannel make you notice the hum of the air conditioner in the background, straining over the 90’s alternative radio and reminding you that you’d been here in a heat stroke the summer after you and Dean had gotten together, his golden freckles and lightened tips of his slightly messy hair underlining the memory.

           “They don’t serve nachos here.” It’s half statement and half question.

           “Babe, it’s your dream. They’ll serve whatever you want. Does the pizza suck in Wisconsin or something?”

           The two sisters are whispering to each other as they look over at your table, an almost-argument that ends with who you suspect is the older sister poofing a pinch of flour into the other’s face. They’re both cute girls but she’s adorable, soft cherubic cheeks and messy bun piling impossibly glossy hair on her head as she walks over to the table with a gigantic pizza. “Can I get you anything else?” she asks in a perfect welcoming cheerleader pitch.

           “I think we’re good for now, sweetheart,” Dean purrs with a wink. That you remember; you’d playfully chastised Dean for dazzling the teens, laughing in his face when he’d said it wasn’t on purpose, that he couldn’t help it if chicks dug him. The wink had proved your point then and now it makes the girl’s cheeks flush red.

           She catches herself remarkably well, the stammer almost slipping under the radar as she assures you that you can “holler if you need anything!”

           Dean brushes his fingers free of nacho debris and loosens a piece of pizza from the melting cheese of the ones next to it. “Last time you had all kinds of sweet nothings and questions for me and now you’re Silent Cal?”

           “I don’t think this is real, but I’m pretty sure if I push it you’ll either die in this dream or I’ll wake up, so my plan is to stay here as long as we can.”

           He drops the pizza back into the box and wipes off his fingers on a napkin before slouching into the booth, arm stretched across its length. “So test me then. Gimme a question only I would know or something.”

           “Well if I ask you something that I know the answer to, my brain will just project you knowing it. See the problem?”

           Dean squints and pouts in consideration, touch of a smile dancing across his face and if it isn’t the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen may you be struck dead right now. “Then ask me something you don’t know the answer to.”

           You think about explaining how that too could just be some part of your subconscious recreation of Dean but you don’t want to keep pulling at loose strings in the event that it wakes you up. It’s too hard to keep from smiling, seeing Dean charming and relaxed like this, and when you grin it makes Dean bite his lip. “What’s something I don’t know the answer to?”

           “Ah, ah—I thought I’m just a hologram, how would I know?”

           “Projection, but okay,” you stall. “Wait, here’s one. Sam said when I first started going on jobs with you guys that you had to have a conversation about staying focused. What was that all about?”

           He runs his tongue along the inside of his lower lip. “Man, why would he tell you that?” he says under his breath, smirking mostly to himself before leaning forward to meet your eyes. “Fine. I’m not even sure that you’re going to remember this. There was a vengeful spirit in Indiana, some like homesteader guy, ring a bell?”

           You have only the vaguest sense of recollection and sort of waggle your head to show it.

           “It was way at the beginning of when you started coming on jobs with us. You and Bobby got into it because he wanted you to bring your own car so you could ditch us if we were ‘acting like cretins’ or some shit like that?”

           That fits the last puzzle piece in for you and makes you chuckle. “He ended up giving me like $250 of mad money in case I needed a new room or a bus ticket, yeah. I remember.”

           “I didn’t know that part but that’s gotta be the same trip. The whole thing was really stupid. Basically we were supposed to have your six but both me and Sammy wanted to carry a shotgun instead of doing that protection spell because it looked cooler. We were arguing about it when the spirit whipped a chunk of the barn’s scaffolding at you and we didn’t catch it in time. You heard it coming and ducked so nothing ended up happening, but it fucking demolished the wall behind you. It was a huge fuckup—thing could’ve taken your head clean off, you know? Sam was so broken up about it he was wasted for like a week solid after we dropped you back off at Bobby’s.”

           “Really? That doesn’t sound like him at all.”

           “I know, usually he does some kind of pouty baby bullshit. But I mean both of us felt really guilty that bitching at each other could’ve taken you out.”

           Dean’s eyes rake over your face, seeming to linger over every inch like he’s going to draw a topographical map of it later by memory. You can tell he’s waiting for you to say something but you can’t think of anything other than tracing each of his freckles where they dust across his nose.

           A hand reaches over the table to run his fingertips along the back of yours, and that certainly feels real enough to send an ache into your gut. “What if you ask Sam? If he says that’s not what happened then you can keep saying I’m not real and you don’t have to listen to me.”

           “But he already basically told me that. The only thing I probably wouldn’t have guessed about that is Sam getting drunk about it—these could’ve been just well-informed guesses about when it probably was or the kinds of things it seemed like he was implying.”

           His lips press into a firm line and the barest touch of pink rises in his cheeks. “We, um, we pinky swore on it.”

           The adorableness of his embarrassment makes you grin teasingly as much as the divulgence does. “A pinky promise? You guys must’ve been pretty serious to take such a sacred oath.”

           He rolls his eyes at your ribbing and throws his hands back in his lap with a defeated smirk. “Laugh it up. Would that be good enough proof for you?”

           It seems like Dean has figured out a loophole in the system, but you’re sure the light of day and Sam’s scrutiny will figure out why it isn’t actual evidence of communication with Dean beyond death, and you tell him that.

           A curtain of suspicious confusion falls over Dean’s face. “Sam being weird about it is what’s keeping you from trusting this? Kid, I’ve been talking to Sa—”

           And you woke up.

           The bed was empty next to you but you could smell something sweet in the air and hear the light clinking of pots or pans Sam was trying his best to keep quiet. You blinked back a few tears of frustration—who even cared if it was real or not? Reliving a great memory with Dean was more than enough and instead of enjoying it you’d wasted a chance at some small respite from your constant ache of grief. And even then, you hadn’t used any of your time to figure out how the whole thing worked, how you could see him again.

           But the most pressing issue was what you thought Dean had been trying to say before disappearing; that he had gotten through to Sam. Sam, of course, deserved to have secrets, but if he had been sitting on the resolution to all the angst you’d been struggling through in the last weeks (months?), you couldn’t imagine a reason why that wouldn’t hurt. Nothing would be solved by laying in your bed to sulk about it, though, so you threw on some clothes and went to brush your teeth.

           When you came out, Sam was hunched slightly, the standard stove highlighting his decidedly non-standard height as he shuffled a pan’s handle. He had a dishtowel over his t-shirt clad shoulder, a habit from the bar that sometimes held over when he was in the kitchen at home, and bare feet under old jeans. They were wearing through at the knees, and you knew they were absolutely pajama-soft from having periodically thrown them in with your own laundry. Through the kitchen window, enough snow-brightened sunlight came into the room to cast him in a halo glow that gleamed off of his hair. As long as it had gotten, chunks still swept into his face as he looked down at the stove, and he tucked one behind his ear as he looked up, half-singing a Buddy Guy song that was playing softly. It was stunning—he was stunning, statuesque and strong and right there in front of you. Cooking you breakfast while you slept in, of all things, chocolate chip pancakes he had to have remembered were your favorite from ages ago. You couldn’t even remember the last time you’d had them and right now, nothing in the world sounded better. He beamed and tilted the pan toward you. “Morning! I made pancakes, you want some?”

           And you should’ve just let the moment rest, sat in the rare bright winter morning and eaten chocolate chip pancakes and relished how well the boiler was working, maybe later in the day read a predictable murder mystery or taped off the living room to be painted and listened to REM until your shoulders were sore from running rollers up the walls all afternoon. Instead, about as stupid and weird a flop as if a toad had come out of your mouth, you said, “Have you been talking to Dean too?”

           Sam’s face fell but not in the right way. There was too much angle in his brow and that confirmed it. “What?” he asked, but it didn’t land.

           “How long have you been talking to Dean?”

           He kept that curious smile for a second, like maybe he could push through by playing dumb and you would forget, but finally his lips flattened and his jaw clenched as he stacked a finished pancake on top of its predecessors. “Just because I’m having dreams about him doesn’t mean it’s really him,” he finally answered, softly and as though he was telling the bubbling pancake batter in front of him, unable to meet your eyes.

           You felt the lump forming in your throat and tried to get the words out ahead of its solidifying. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

           “For what?” He let go of the pan and turned toward you, supporting his weight on the countertop. “So we can both—”

           “Both what? Be delusional? Is that what you were going to say?”

           Sam didn’t answer, but the set of his jaw was firm and he kept his eyes locked on yours.

           “He told me you were drunk for a week after the hunt you were talking about.” You watched as Sam’s pupils widened a touch. “And that you didn’t just promise each other to buckle down, you pinky swore.” Sam’s Adam’s apple jumped in his throat. “It’s true, isn’t it? I can see in your face that it is. Did you already know it’s really him?”

           He looked down at the floor and clenched his jaw. “I was pretty sure. Or at least I really hoped I was pretty sure.”

           You felt more than consciously allowed your mouth’s falling open. “How? How long?”

           “It just—I don’t know, it just felt different. I—uh, the first time was after we made those cupcakes; he asked about the cupcakes.”

           You slumped against the countertop opposite him, speechless. He shoved the pan off the hot burner a little too hard, put a palm on either side of the stove to brace himself. The two of you stood like that for a long minute, the smell of chocolate not matching the stiff heaviness in the air at all.

           “I don’t—what if it’s not real?” His throat sounded bound even though you couldn’t see his face, hulking mass of him spread across the tiny kitchen.

           He seemed so defeated, so young, and then you couldn’t believe how selfish you’d been, not putting two and two together that something challenging Sam’s grip on or understanding of reality must shove him back to the brain melting torture he’d endured in the cage and the months—years, maybe, he was always so tight-lipped about it—afterward. What the fuck were you thinking, not seeing it before, how this could seem like a perfectly laid trap for Sam, the most poetic way to whip his mind into stiff peaks of meringue. It made so much sense why he would need time to really suss it out, see the situation from all angles and investigate, check and re-check. Tears pricked the corners of your eyes but you blinked them away. This was not about you or your complicated need for him, it was about Sam, what he’d been through, what he was likely putting himself through even now.

           “The, um, the pancakes smell really good.”

           “Yeah?” There was half a laugh behind his words, humorless as it was. “I hope they’re okay, I know they’re your, uh, your favorite.”

           “I’m surprised you remembered.”

           Sam leaned on one arm to rub his face with his other hand. “Yeah, well.”

           “Can I help?”

           After a beat, he stood up and offered some space next to him on the stove. You worked hip to hip, sprinkling the chocolate chips while Sam flipped. He was scraping the last of the batter into a last little runt pancake with a spatula when you couldn’t help yourself and wrapped your arms around his waist. He seemed surprised, if sad, before setting down the bowl and covering as much of you as he could, folding over you like a protective shell. It reminded you of that dirty motel room, months and months ago, when Sam held you together as you cracked in his arms. All he could do then was be steadfast in reminding you he was still there, if nothing else was, and you hoped you were able to give him the same now.

           You silently laid two place settings on the kitchen counter while Sam set the food out. He sat next to you and had picked up his fork when you touched his wrist to still him. “If it’s not real for you then I’m losing it too.”

           Sam thought for a second, then raised his forearm and kissed the back of your hand where you held onto him before cutting into his pancakes.

-

Continue to Dreams, Chapter 12

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[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers DARK FATE ー Shuu Dark [Prologue]

ー The scene starts in front of the portal to the Demon World

Yui: ( Ahead of here lies the Demon World, right...? )

( I wonder if Shuu-san will be upset if I go there without permission? But... )

*HOOOOOOWL*

Yui: ...!

( I knew it...I have no other choice. Not only am I anxious by myself, I want to be by Shuu-san’s side. )

*Creaaaaak*

ー She enters the forest of the Demon World

Yui: ( This is...the Demon World... )

( It’s much darker than my own world...They said the lunar eclipse is currently ongoing, so could that be why? )

( I would be lying if I said this place doesn’t scare me, but Shuu-san should be somewhere in this world, right? )

( When I think of it that way...I’m no longer scared. )

( I won’t get anywhere by just standing still here, so I have to proceed. )

( I made the conscious decision to come here, so I shouldn’t hesitate, but move ahead. )

ー Yui starts walking

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to an abandoned building

Yui: Phew...

( I walked quite a bit, I’m beat. Is there anywhere I could rest...? )

( Ah, I can see a building in the distance...! )

( It looks dark and creepy, it should be fine to take a quick rest here, right? )

ー She enters the building

Yui: ( Now where could the castle Shuu-san and the others are at be? Is Ayato-kun doing okay? )

( I came here because I was feeling lonely by myself at the manor...But I feel like the situation has barely changed. )

...If only Shuu-san was with me...

*Thud*

Yui: ...!?

( I could hear a sound coming from the back just now...! Don’t tell me, someone still lives here!? )

ー Somebody approaches her

Yui: ( They’re coming this way!? W-What should I do...!? )

Shuu: ...Shut up.

Yui: Eh...?

Shuu-san!?

Shuu: I knew it was you. What are you doing here?

Yui: U-Uhm...

Shuu: Didn’t I tell you to watch the house? Why are you in the Demon World?

Yui: I’m sorry...

Shuu: Well, knowing you, I was convinced you would show up here sooner or later.

Yui: ( Uu... )

( However, I’m so glad I was able to meet Shuu-san. Almost as if that restless feeling from earlier was nothing but a lie. )

Shuu: Pwaah...

Yui: ( Shuu-san seems the same as always too... )

Uhm, why are you here, Shuu-san? I thought you said you were going to the castle...

Shuu: I’ve evacuated here.

Yui: Evacuated?

Shuu: This is my secret hideout. Ever since I was little, I would escape to this place whenever things got a little troublesome at home,

Yui: ( How very fitting of him... )

...This must be a place of memories to you.

Shuu: Memories, huh...?

...Say, you.

Yui: Yes?

ー Shuu steps closer and embraces her

*Rustle*

Yui: Wah...!

( H-He embraced me...!? )

U-Uhm, Shuu-san...?

Shuu: Haha...Why do you seem so surprised?

Let me suck your blood. It’d be ridiculous not to do anything now that you’ve come all the way down to the Demon World, no?

Yui: I didn’t come to have my blood sucked or anythiーー!

Shuu: Pipe down. Come on, expose your neck...

...Nn...

ー He bites her

Yui: Nn...!

Shuu: Nn...Phew...Nn...

Yui: ( He’s as forceful as ever... )

( However...How odd. For some reason, that puts me at ease right now... )

Shuu: ...You’re being surprisingly meek today.

Yui: That’s not...

( ...Actually, I might be. I’m relieved to have my blood sucked, and I even feel happy... )

Shuu: It’d be great if you could be like this all the time. Then I wouldn’t have to waste any unnecessary energy...Nn...

...Haah...

Yui: ( I wonder if it’s because I’ve been pushing myself this whole time. I feel as if my body feels more sluggish than usual today... )

Shuu-san...

Shuu: What? ...You’re tired already? I’ve barely had any though.

Yui: I’m sorry, but...

Shuu: ...Haah.

ー Shuu steps back

*Rustle*

Yui: ( He plopped down on the couch. ...I wonder if he intends to sleep here? )

Uhm...Shuu-san?

Shuu: What? 

Yui: Are you sure you shouldn’t return to the castle? That’s where everyone is, right?

Shuu: Why should I return? I told you earlier, didn’t I? I evacuated to this place.

Yui: However, unlike the castle protected by Karlheinz-san, this place might be dangerous, no...?

Shuu: So you were wandering around here, despite knowing the risks involved?

Yui: T-That’s true but...You guys said I’m not the one being targeted...

Shuu: ...Haah.

I want to avoid that castle at all costs. ...I feel like I can barely breathe in there. That’s why I’m here.

Yui: Still...If the wolves were to come after you guys again, it could end in another disaster, right?

Shuu: You’ve been awfully nosy this whole time...That isn’t something a human such as yourself should rack their brain over.

Or what...? You want to chase me out of here?

Yui: I never said that...

*Rustle*

Yui: Ah...!

Shuu: You can say it if that’s what you think. Tell me to leave, that is...

Yui: Shuu-sa...

Shuu: Nn...

*Smooch*

Shuu: You don’t want...us to be alone together?

Yui: ( ...The way he phrased that... )

Shuu: Come on, answer me. ...How do you feel?

Yui: That’s not what I meant. However...

Shuu: Then what’s the problem?

I’m gonna stay here a little longer. So stop spouting unnecessary crap.

*Thud*

Yui: ( ...Somehow Shuu-san seems a little different from usual today...? )

( I can’t quite pinpoint it, but I feel as if he’s acting off...Am I just imagining things? )

( I was told they may grow unstable during the lunar eclipse, so perhaps that explains it? I guess I shouldn’t let it bother me too much. )

Shuu: ...Che. I missed one song. It’s because you kept fussing about everything.

Yui: S-Sorry...What are you listening to today?

Shuu: You wouldn’t know even if I told you, right? Why not give it a listen? Here.

Yui: ( One of his earphones...I guess he doesn’t mind if we listen together? )

Thank you very much.

ー She puts in the earphone

Yui: ( ...What a beautiful violin performance. The melody sounds refined as well. )

What a lovely song. What is the title?

It’s called ‘Meditation’. (1) The best part has yet to come, so listen quietly.

Yui: O-Okay.

Shuu: ...

Yui: ( Shuu-san seems to enjoy it. )

( ...I would have never been able to imagine this in the past. That we’d one day sit next to each other and listen to music through the same set of earphones like this. )

( He can be oppressive and rarely ever holds back with his words but...When spending time with Shuu-san like this, Iーー )

Reiji: ーー Must be nice to be so carefree.

Yui: !

ー Reiji walks up to them

Yui R-Reiji-san!?

Reiji: I’ve found you, Shuu.

Shuu: ...It’s one interference after the other today.

Reiji: I figured you would be here. ...Although, I did not fathom to find her here as well.

What is this about, Shuu? Not only did you sneak out of the castle of your own accord, but you had the nerve to bring her here as well?

Yui: ( Bring me here...!? )

Reiji: If you brought her here despite knowing very well just how dangerous the Demon World is at present, then I must seriously doubt your sense of danger.

Yui: Y-You’ve got it wrong, Reiji-san! I’m the one who came here voluntarily...Shuu-san did nothing wrong at all!

Reiji: Save me the excuses. This man refuses to show any improvement because you keep doting on him like that.

Despite the circumstances, I doubt you are actually thinking things through? Therefore, you can easily pull these kind of farces. 

Shuu: ...My bad.

ー Shuu gets up and walks away

Reiji: Hold it, Shuu! Where are you going next?

Shuu: You’ll have no complaints if I return to the castle, right? I will, so let me listen to my music in peace already.

Oi, let’s go.

Yui: Yes...!

ー You follow after Shuu

Reiji: Halt! I am not done talking to you! Shuu!

...Good grief. That good-for-nothing never changes...

ー The scene shifts to the forest

Yui: Shuu-san, are you okay with this?

Shuu: With what?

Yui: Not telling Reiji-san the truth...If you don’t, he’ll have the wrong idea forever.

Shuu: I don’t mind. It’s not like he’d let me stay there even if I told him.

Yui: However, by acting so coldly, it’ll only make the situation worse...

Shuu: Shut up. Don’t make me repeat myself. If you want to come with me, then keep quiet.

Yui: ( ...He seems in a bad mood. I can’t say anything else. )

( However, I do think it would be for the best if they had a proper talk. )

( He might have actually had a valid reasoning for leaving the castle as well. If Reiji-san took the time to properly talk to him as well... )

Shuu: Oi, don’t stray away from my side. Do you want to become prey to hungry demons?

Yui: Ah, r-right!

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the living room of the Sakamaki castle

Yui: Ayato-kun...Still hasn’t woken up, has he?

Reiji: Yes...His wounds will surely heal over time, however, we have no choice but to wait until he naturally regains consciousness.

Yui: I’m worried...

Shuu: His wounds have been treated. If we let him rest, he’ll wake up eventually, right?

Reiji: Shuu, once again you...

Shuu: He’s a Vampire so he should be fine, right? You’re all overreacting.

Yui: ( I’m really worried though, knowing he got hurt because he wanted to protect me... )

( I guess I can rest assured since Shuu-san said he’ll be fine? )

Reiji: Well...I suppose it is true that this is nothing you should stress yourself out over. Do not let it bother you too much.

Well then, it is time for dinner. If you will be residing here as well, be sure to follow the rules. Understood?

Yui: Y-Yes.

ー Reiji leaves the room

Yui: ( I’m worried about Ayato-kun, I suppose we have no other choice but to pray for his swift recovery and wait. )

Shuu-san, we should probably go as...

Shuu: You can go by yourself. I’m returning to my own room.

Yui: Eh...? But...

Shuu: I’m exhausted. Gonna sleep.

ー Shuu leaves as well

Yui: Ah, Shuu-san!

ー The scene shifts to the staircase

Yui: Shuu-san, please wait! You really aren’t going?

Shuu: I won’t.

Yui: ( ...Shuu-san really is acting off today. Almost as if... )

Shuu: ...? What?

Yui: Ah, no...

Shuu: If you have something on your mind, why not just spit it out? It’d be more troublesome if I have to listen to your ramblings later. (2)

Yui: ( I do have something to tell him, but he might get upset if I do... )

( However, it really does bother me, so I’ll just ask him straight-up. )

Well...This might just be my imagination but...

Shuu-san...Aren’t you sort of avoiding everyone?

Shuu: Everyone?

Yui: Like Reiji-san, and your other brothers too...

( That might be why he had retreated to his secret hideout after slipping out of the castle as well...? )

Shuu: ...

( D-Did I upset him after all...? )

Shuu: ...I haven’t just been sitting still either.

Yui: Eh...?

Shuu: I’ve been putting in proper thought.

ー Shuu walks away

Yui: Ah...

...

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the living room

Reiji: ...Is it just you?

Yui: Sorry...

Kanato: What happened to Shuu? The two of you were together, right?

Subaru: Bet he’s snoozin’ in his room again.

Laito: Well, I don’t see the problem? Instead we’ve got Bitch-chan here.

Reiji: Keep quiet at the dinner table. ...I suppose it cannot be helped. You should quickly take a seat as well.

Yui: Yes.

ー She sits down

Yui: ( ...I know that Shuu-san is acting distant because he has something on his mind. )

( However, I’m not quite sure...What exactly this ‘something’ is. )

( I want to ask him, but being too nosy isn’t good either, so I’ll just wait and see for now. )

( Will Shuu-san be okay though? I hope he doesn’t overthink things... )

( I’m obviously concerned about Ayato-kun and the wolves, but Shuu-san worries me as well... )

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) The song was composed by Jules Massenet and most known for being featured in the opera ‘Thaïs’. 

(2) Literally he says that it would be more troublesome to have to listen to the compilation of all the different thoughts which she has piled up inside her mind, yet never spoke out loud. 

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<- [ Sakamaki Prologue ] [ Dark 01 ] ->

[lizzy-williams]

𝐭𝐰𝐨: 𝐚 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞

♡ Warnings: smut, language, bdsm...kinda?, dominate and submissive, drugs, threesomes. 

♡ Requested?: NO. I wanted to do this myself 

♡Theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdpwA7bzrDE

Killing Me Softly With His Song by Fugees (slowed)

masterlist

((with this, I’m going more into depth of what this crazy kinky relationship is like, because I have a lot of ideas.))

HERE, read these first:

𝐭𝐰𝐨, 𝐭𝐰𝐨 (𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐝𝐮𝐱)

I N T R O  ●○●○●○●○●○●○●

✧ Okay, first thing’s first, there is a hierarchy that has formed. We all know Dominic is a little chaotic, and Colson is too, but Dominic is harder to control. AND YOU. ARE. BABY. So, we all know that Colson is the ultimate dominate. Dom’s in the middle, not as dominate, but will still fuck the shit out of you any day and not even say sorry. 

✧ They love when you’re compliant and submissive. They love being able to hold you like a teddy bear on their worst days (or fuck your brains out.) But they also love how innocent you seem. That is, until you get into the bedroom.

✧ They love how small you seem next to them, especially when you’re pressed up against them, clothed or not, their lanky arms wrapped around you. 

✧ So fucking protective of you. You love having your independence when the boys are away, but when their with you at any time, they become mama goose.

✧ They know your body more than you do, and that what makes it better. \

.

D O M I N I C  ●○●○●○●○●○●○●

✮ We already know that he’ll be the softer out of the two boys. He loves spending time with you, hugging and kissing and cuddling until your face turns blue. He loves your innocence, even if you technically didn’t have it anymore. 

✮ He loves when you go out together, just you and him. Sure, he loves Colson, but he also loves to do things with just you, it seems more intimate. Going someplace like an arcade or the movies will make his month for sure. 

✮ His favorite position will FOREVER be the cowgirl. He loves watching our breasts bounce as you use him to pleasure yourself. That is, until he’s done with you having control, then he just pushes you down, chest to chest, and drives up into you. 

✮ Loves to hear you. Like when he hits the perfect spot inside you and you make a noise only he can force you to make... he’ll be on cloud 9.

✮ Finds degrading names almost impossible to use. Slut, whore, etc. He finds the attraction appalling, and would never call you degrading names. That’s Colson’s job.

✮ More of a handcuff type of guy. Don’t get me wrong, he loves seeing you in ropes and ties, but he would much rather prefer to have you wear a set of fabric covered cuffs, taking you however he wants. 

✮ Loves when you suck his fingers, especially his middle ones. He loves seeing his heart tattoo appear and disappear between your lips. 

✮ You do his makeup sometimes, and he loves it. It’s something special you two share, and you couldn’t ask for more. 

✮ Some things that he says that are attractive as fuck:

n s f w:

- “I love your pretty little noises,”

- “Tell me how good it feels,” 

- “You feel so fucking good, love,”

- “Daddy loves you... daddy loves you so fucking much.”

s f w: 

- “shh, I’ve got you,”

- “So fucking beautiful, baby,”

- “I love you to the moon and back, babygirl,”

- “Such a sweet thing, aren’t ya?” 

.

C O L S O N  ●○●○●○●○●○●○●

♥ Colson loves you with everything in him. He’s never felt about this about anyone. Romantically, at least. 

♥ LOVES to spoil you. Whether it’s with clothes, technology, or a new collar, he loves to watch your face light up when he hands you something new... but lemme just tell you... your birthday is insane. 

 ♥ Likes wax play, not on him of course, but on you. He loves watching you squirm as the liquid turns solid against your exposed skin. 

♥ His favorite position has to be missionary. It might be simple, but it’s his favorite for a way more sinful reason. He loves to see the tummy bulge when he rams into you so deep, he can see the outline of his shaft inside you

♥ Hates to admit it, but he gets so weak when you praise him. He like communication during sex, and when you use communication to make him feel good, it drives him to the edge so fast. 

♥ Demands eye contact when you’re talking to him. If you don’t, he’ll lift your chin gently with his fingers. But if you’ve been a tease all day, he’ll simply just grab your jaw and shove you face first into a surface and take you right then and there. 

♥ You KNOW this bitch likes to fuck around with knives. Knife play is essential. He won’t cut too deep, and will take care of your wounds after you have your fun. Unless you pissed him off, in that case, he’ll leave you to clean them up yourself. 

♥ He hates when you’re a brat. While Dom may enjoy it, Colson hates it. Sometimes he feels so out of control of his life, and he at least wants to have control over one aspect of his life...

♥ Loves ice play. His pupils will dilate when you let out small whimpers. When it’s all melted, he’ll lick the water off of you. The heat difference between the cold water and his tongue feels so good. 

♥ Smoking weed after sex is a must, as long as you aren’t too tired, and on special days, you might even trip up on shrooms or LSD. Sex on drugs is different, because some senses are enhanced. 

♥ Working out together sometimes, which of course always leads to something else. 

♥ Spontaneous late night car rides. You’ll be on the couch chilling and all of a sudden you’ll hear colson rushing down the stairs, “Lets go for a drive”

♥ Some things that he says that are hot as fuck:

n s f w:

- “I know, baby, I know,” 

- “Look at me, princess,”

- “You love it when I fill you, don’t you...,”

- “ Such a good girl, you’re my good girl.”

- “Shhh, let daddy take care of it,”

s f w:

- “Come here, baby,” (in the context of you wanting a hug)

- “I can't get enough of you.”

- “I don't know what I'd do without you.”

- “You have my heart.”

.

[ Y / N ]  ●○●○●○●○●○●○●

☾ You are quite the little submissive.

☾ Even though you love to please the two, you also love to provoke them. You like seeing how far you can take it before they finally snap. But if they’ve had a hard day, you’ll be the most precious sub in the world. 

☾ You love being together all in one group. Sure, having one on one time is nice, but when you’re all together, your the happiest. 

☾ You have your independence, but you also understand that a portion of your life is up to the people you love the most. But you’ve consented, knowing they would never do anything bad to you. You trust them. 

☾ Even though you’re submissive, you love the amount of power you have over your lovers. With one strip tease, they’ll go from wanting to get a blow job to the one wanting to give you head.

☾ You don’t have a favorite. You love them both to infinity and beyond. 

☾ When you truly are submissive, you feel happy and taken care of, because you are. The two boys love you more than anything, and you know it. You’ll always be with them. 

☾ You take pride in your looks. Hell, if two boys couldn’t keep their hands off of you, you must have been doing something right. 

☾ Always wearing one of the boy’s sweatshirts. They’re big on you, and it makes you feel warm and cozy even when their away, because their clothing always smells like them. 

☾ Alone days in the house are hard sometimes. You miss the boys and want to be with them. But they have busy lives. Sometimes one will be away on a tour while the other one is at home, or one is filming and the other is home. Worst case? When they’re both away. 

☾ But even when they’re gone for a long time, you’re treated so well, and the boys will make it a point to send extra money to your accounts and flowers to the house to tell you they miss you. 

☾ You and Colson always have matching nails. 

.

.

B O N U S  ●○●○●○●○●○●○●

.

.

YOUR FAVORITE THING ABOUT THEM:

DOM: Physically, you love his lips. Their so big and plush, and they feel amazing to kiss. They make your stomach do summersaults. And they feel amazing when they’re between you legs. But mentally, you love Dom’s hyper demenor. When you’re feeling sad, you love seeing the bright look in his eyes. 

COLSON: You love how tall he is. His size compared to you makes you swoon, and he can pick you up easily. His looming sky scraper body type is also nice when you fall asleep together. 

.

HIS FAVORITE OUTFIT ON YOU (NSFW)

.

✼ DOMINIC: 

IT might seem simple, but that’s the while point. The simplicity of it makes it all the more easy to take off. It’s stunning and easy to remove? He’s all in. 

.

✼ COLSON:

HE loves seeing you in something so lacy and subtle... the mesh makes it all the more alluring. And of course, pink is his favorite color on you. Pink is punk ladies and gentleman. Not to mention the collar... easier to pull you in. 

.

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

HIS FAVORITE OUTFIT ON YOU (SFW)

✼ DOMINIC:

HE loves seeing you cozied up, because usually he’ll be the one to join you. He loves the feeling of you bundled up in his arms as you snuggle deeper into both the sweater and his arms. 

.

✼ COLSON: 

WHEN you aren’t patting around in one of his sweatshirts and no pants, Colson likes seeing you in the clothes he would see you in before you all got together. It just makes him remember why he loves you. Not for the sex or the power dynamic, but for you. Who you are. And your clothes reflect that. 

.

((ASK QUESTIONSSSSS!!! I would love to answer sommeee. Just be sure to put 2 before the question.))

Example: 2: Yes, Hi! I wanted to request, etc.

Thank you for reading :D

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #78

I woke up today, determined to go to the grocery store to prepare a recipe that someone from the internet sent to me.

…Today seems to have had other plans, though. Hahaha…

At least for today things feel somewhat settled, so I went and caught up with the messages from other people that I didn't have the bandwidth for in previous days. Tomorrow, I am hoping to go to my friend R's house; he is probably one of the best bakers on my planet, and he is going to make us some gluten-free peanut-butter-banana bars, and we will do some catching up. I also made it a point to message another friend of mine. I made him a tree AGES ago, but he's been caught up in the complexities of his life, and we haven't spoken in months. Thank goodness we're both neurodivergent and therefore don't have "friendship decay mechanics"! Hahaha!

Then I began making preparations for weaving trees outside, since the weather will be warmer soon. I spent a lot of today trying to put together the perfect playlist for it - one to inspire determination, and to remind me of how much I've grown and how much I've been helped along the way. It tells a story. Perhaps I'll reproduce this playlist on YouTube so you can hear it sometime, if you want to. It's made entirely of songs that are special to me for reasons I won't define here. But I don't have the energy right now to build it in a place where others can see it. Maybe tomorrow.

Today is the birthday of J's departed brother. I told you a while ago that I might tell you the story of why J wants to get an airplane to begin with; suppose today is as good a day as any; my brain is still kinda soup, and I don't have much else to write about.

J is the youngest of four siblings - two brothers, B and Daniel, and a sister, S.

Daniel was passionate about the outdoors, about photography, about motorcycles, and about a wide variety of other stuff. But most importantly, he was thoughtful, kind, intelligent, introspective, and very gentle. He also had a bit of a wanderlust about him. He spent a lot of his time walking, hiking, doing mechanical work, teaching about motorcycle safety, riding his motorcycle (always in full gear, and never doing anything reckless) and taking beautiful photographs whenever he could. You can find many of the pictures he took here. Please look at them:

I only knew him briefly. But even in that short span of time, and even with so few interactions, it was clear to me, with the way he behaved, how he spoke to others, the kinds of things he loved, and the integrity with which he carried himself, that he was one of the finest examples of a human being that my planet had to offer.

Daniel had dreams of moving to Oregon to become a professional photographer - of nature, of motorcycle races, of whatever suited his fancy. He had an amazing eye for it. So he packed up all his stuff, mailed some of it ahead, and then rode his motorcycle - in his full body gear and helmet, and with all his defensive driving skills, and all the seriousness with which he took motorcycle safety - from where we live in New York State, all the way to Portland, Oregon. He made it! And he took an amazing variety of stunning photographs along the way.

In July of 2020, while Daniel was still getting his living space situated, he decided to go out on a routine drive on his motorcycle, most likely to familiarize himself with the area. Naturally, he was dressed in full gear. But he didn't make it home; he was collided into by an elderly gentleman who was returning home from a hike. The elderly gentleman made an illegal left turn without warning at a speed so high that it wouldn't have helped Daniel even if he was in a car. He died instantly due to the physics involved with inertia of soft things being encased in hard bone; not even a helmet helps with those kinds of physics.

…And just like that, 33 years of growth, of change, of learning, of loving, of becoming, of creating… all of it was undone in an instant. A single moment of negligence caused by a person who claimed he "didn't see him". And now he's gone. I'll never see another one of his photographs. I'll never get to feed him another bowl of venison curry. I'll never get to see him smile or hear him laugh. He'll never see any of his photographs published in any magazine. J has a hole in his soul now in the shape of his brother that can never be filled; the best that J can do is become strong enough to carry the immense weight of that emptiness.

…Funny, you know. Emptiness isn't supposed to weigh anything. And yet… writing this to you, my eyes are already overflowing with photographs of his that I'll never get to see. My lips tremble with words I'll never be able to say to him. My diaphragm quakes with the pain of the laughter that I won't be able to experience with him. At least… not until my turn to exit my own meat-mech comes around. J was extremely close to him and looked up to him as a hero. I can't even begin to imagine the weight of the emptiness he must carry, or the strength it took for him to rise up again after I saw how the weight of that emptiness drove him to his knees.

Because of the safety gear that Daniel was extremely conscientious about wearing, there wasn't a scratch or even so much as a bruise on his body; at the wake, he looked like he was asleep. Due to the nuances of Oregon law, the gentleman who killed Daniel faced no consequences whatsoever. All the same, I hope that the knowledge that his negligence stole a life prompts him to never again be irresponsible with his vehicle.

In honor of Daniel's memory, J wanted to make the same trip across the country, but in his own way. Daniel was passionate about motorcycles. J was always interested in airplanes, but for a variety of reasons (mostly having to do with the conditioning he received as a child about what sorts of things are "practical" and "realistic"), he didn't pursue that interest until recently.

J worked hard to overcome a lot of his previous conditioning in order to obtain a pilot's license. Like Daniel, J is very conscientious about safety, so he has done his utmost to become someone who can pilot a small airplane safely and confidently. He has memorized all of the standard procedures regarding visual flight rules. He is still working towards obtaining his instrument flight rating. He is doing the work needed to make sure the plane he bought recently is safe to operate. He has deconstructed a lot of the conditioning he received that tells him he is "unworthy" and "incapable" in order to make this work, and I could not be more proud of him.

We're still a ways off from making the trip, but when we do, I will be with J, most likely taking pictures, making sure he eats, sleeps, and hydrates, and generally trying to be a source of support. By that point, given that M and Br do not like heights, they will be okay with holding the fort back at home.

…So that is the story about why I was able to take pictures for you from an airplane in one of my letters. Suppose I might as well end today's letter here.

Hey, Sephiroth? I already have enough loss. I have even more in my past. And I know I'm going to have more in my future (M and Br are older than me; this is the other side of being polyamorous, I'm afraid…). There are already missing pieces in my soul in the shape of other human souls. Turn yourself around and keep yourself safe so that you don't add to my collection, yeah? And… make sure you're very generous with the phrase "I love you". Because you don't know when you're going to run out of opportunities to say it out loud.

I love you. And I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[adhd-adept]

I have self diagnosed adhd and i was wondering if you could provide some advice regarding reading. I used to be able to just pick up a book and read when i was younger, but now that I'm older it's a bit difficult to just pick up a book and read for the sake of reading. I love reading, but i just can't seem to motivate myself to.

Any advice? I'd really love to get back into reading, but I'm trying to find a way to do it easier

Hello! I’m sorry this took me so long to answer, I’ve been mostly off Tumblr for a little while. I saw this some time ago at 3AM and thought “this deserves a more coherent response than I can give right now” and then forgot that this blog existed for several days.

That said, I absolutely have some advice for reading! I was a big reader as a kid, too, and I’ve recently had to re-discover reading after a long gap in any time spent sitting down with an honest-to-goodness book. There are a number of things you might consider!

DISTRACTIONS

First and foremost, recognize the reason it is difficult to read! For me, it is because reading isn’t the most interesting thing available. That doesn’t mean I don’t love reading! If I can manage to sit down and read a book, it is immensely satisfying - but it’s the satisfaction of the effort you put into something paying off. My favorite hobbies - drawing, writing, reading - are my favorite because of that sense of accomplishment that they give me. 

I love the feeling of holding a book and watching my bookmark move through the pages each time I set it down. However, it doesn’t give me the same instant gratification of reading wikipedia, or tvtropes, or scrolling Tumblr, or checking notifications on social media; even when I am unsatisfied, or even frustrated, with the internet, it can be very hard to put down. I know that people will tell you all the time “You need to put your phone down more!!” It gets old. But they have a point. What people don’t tell you is how to do that. 

For me, that tends to be about making it inconvenient for myself to get online, or do whatever is distracting me. This doesn’t necessarily mean making it completely unavailable. The distraction just needs to be less available than the task I want to do. I am the kind of person who gets online out of muscle memory, and then gets stuck there. Thus, many of my tricks rely on disrupting the muscle memory that lets you pick up distractions. I will put my laptop charger in another room, so that my screen time is limited to its battery life. I might tie a string around my laptop, or tape it closed, so when I go to open it I will be reminded “Oh yeah, I don’t want to do this right now.” I will occasionally rearrange the apps on my phone, so when I try to open Instagram and end up with the weather app instead, the thought of “wait, how did i get here” will snap me out of the thoughtless habits that led me to pick up my phone in the first place. I’ve even gone so far as to tape my phone to the ceiling. Whatever works.

If the weather permits, I might also walk a little ways down the block and find somewhere to sit and read. This can come with its own distractions, but it gets me away from my laptop, and I get a tiny bit more exercise and sunshine than I would have otherwise! This depends, of course, on whether you have transportation and whether you feel safe. But getting yourself out of the house can be a great way to get away from the things that would otherwise draw you away from reading. If you have a local cafe or library that permits you to sit and stay, those are also great options! I will bring my phone when I leave the house, but I might put it at the bottom of my bag, or put a bit of scotch tape over the power button, so that I have my phone in case of emergency but it’s just slightly inconvenient to get to without thinking about it.

It may not be the internet distracting you. But whatever the distraction is, it doesn’t need to be less compelling than reading. It just needs to be less readily available than your book is!

ENTHUSIASM

Another thing that prevents me from reading is that it often doesn’t have the same sense of urgency that other tasks might, whether that urgency is real or not. Give yourself a time limit! I may own books I haven’t read yet, but I will get to a book sooner if I have borrowed it from the library, because I know there is a deadline to return it! 

You can also get other people involved. If you have a friend who wants to read the same book, commit to a chapter or two a week and then call to discuss it. 

Or, if you have a friend who would be interested, and you are comfortable with your reading voice, you could read to someone! It might feel weird to offer, but you’d be surprised how many people really do enjoy being read to. If you both have time in your schedules, you could try to set up a regular call to get through a few chapters at a time. 

Generally, having a friend who likes the book is great for maintaining enthusiasm, even if they’re not reading it with you - I get to books faster if someone with similar taste says “This is one of my favorites! You would love it!” If you have a friend who has read the book you plan on reading, announce to them that you intend on reading it. Their enthusiasm might help you feel more compelled to read it, and there’s a good chance that if you don’t sit down and read it, they will remind you by asking “Have you read it yet? What do you think?” the next time you talk to them.

PREPARATION

Another great way to make reading easier is to set up a reading space beforehand. It’s one thing to pick up a book and say “I’ve been meaning to read this.” It’s another thing to put on some pajama pants, make a cup of tea, and curl a soft blanket around your shoulders before you settle down to read. For one thing, it’s just nice. But more importantly, it can function as a signal that tells your brain “it is Reading Time now. We are in the Reading Zone.”

Do you ever watch a TV show or listen to a podcast, and you let the theme song play on the first episode, and then skip it for the rest? Even if I’ve watched a show before, I will play the theme song on the first episode I watch that day. It’s the same principle - it serves as a transition, an intro that says “this is where I am now, and this is what I’m doing.” Give yourself an intro for reading! Have a certain spot that you like to sit when you read. Have a certain snack you eat beforehand.

I have all kinds of tasks with little “rituals” before them that help me focus on that task, or certain items that I interact with which I associate with it. I call them “declarations of intent,” and once I’ve made a declaration it’s easier to commit to it. Sometimes that means simply saying out loud, “I am going to do the laundry now.” Sometimes it means I wear a certain shirt if I’m planning to go for a walk that day, or drink from a certain mug at breakfast if I want to get some homework done. I have a specific hat that I put on when I want to write a certain character. Try to find something you can do to act as a cue that says “When I do this, then I will read a book.” Because of this, it can help to really lean into whatever the “aesthetic” of reading is, in your mind. Embrace a reading atmosphere!

It may also help to recognize that reading is something you can work your way up to! There is no shame in being out of practice with a hobby. I took my reading proficiency for granted for a long time because it was just a part of my life. It may help to think of reading as a skill! Start with something smaller and work your way up. Pick up a book of short stories or folktales before you tackle that six-book series you’ve heard good things about! Set achievable goals for yourself when you’re setting out. An early success can make a huge difference to morale, and it’s much better to start “too easy” and accomplish something than to jump in at the deep end and be frustrated by an early setback.

FORGIVENESS

On the topic of working your way up to things, I would like to say a word about mindset. It is easy to feel self-critical about things. Things that you think should come more easily to you. Things that you feel like you have no reason not to be able to do. One of the biggest things I’ve done for my ADHD is recognizing that there is always a reason why I behave a certain way. Accepting that allows me to actually address my struggles, rather than just feeling ashamed of them. I’ve had to accept that I won’t always do things that I set out to do the way I set out to do them.

I bring this up because not all of my advice here may work for you. In fact, some of it doesn’t work for me every time - a technique may work once, but I might fail to make a regular habit of it. I may make a regular habit of something, only to have it become less effective as the novelty of it, or my enthusiasm for it, wears off. I may eventually talk myself out of implementing an effective strategy because there is some part of it that I find unpleasant; or an intentional unpleasantness I once found motivating may eventually become intolerable.

That’s okay. I’m telling you now, it’s okay if that happens. It’s okay if the first method you try doesn’t work. Don’t set yourself up to feel frustrated. If you become frustrated, take a step back. If you borrow a library book and you still haven’t read it by the due date, just give it back. If you don’t actually enjoy the first book you pick up, put it down and try a different one. If you feel badly about not reading something your friend wants you to read, be honest and tell them you have a hard time sitting down, and that you don’t want to disappoint them if they keep asking, but that you will let them know once you have started it!

It can be easy to convince myself that feeling badly about something means it’s important to me, and that maybe if I feel bad about not doing something, it  motivate me to do it. There is a balance between making commitments, and not committing to anything that is just going to distress me. Sometimes there is a benefit to a sense of pressure, but I have to recognize when the pressure I create turns into frustration. That’s a fine line to walk! For all I speak of inconveniencing yourself, or holding yourself accountable, your strategies should ultimately feel satisfying, and show results fairly quickly! You may not see immediate results, but if it has been several days and your strategy isn’t working out, change tactics! And the moment you feel apologetic or ashamed about the thing you are trying to do, drop that strategy. Again, this can be easier said than done, but it is so worthwhile to learn how to allow yourself to “give up” on things that aren’t actually helping you, without feeling like you’re giving up entirely.

You want to get back into reading again because you want to enjoy reading again. If you set it up to feel like homework, or a chore, or an obligation, you may make it more difficult for yourself! Getting back into reading is about focusing on what you love about reading.

And hey, I’m always happy to help! I do only check Tumblr every couple weeks right now, but I’ll do what I can to be supportive. If you’ve tried these suggestions and they don’t work out, no worries! Everyone is different, and it’s no insult to me if things that work for me don’t work for you. But feel free to reach out again, let me know anything you have learned about how you function best in the meantime, and we can reevaluate your strategies!

I hope that helps! Happy reading!

[iliumheightnights]

Tony Stark Fluff ABC’s (Male Reader)

Tony Stark x Male Reader ...

A = Attractive (What do they find attractive about the other?) - Tony has TWO things he likes. Your looks and your brains. He loves a man that is smart while also being eye candy. Which is exactly what he thinks of you.

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why not?) - Tony doesn’t want a family. At least that’s what he says before he gets his husband, Peter, Harley, etc. Now no one can touch his family otherwise someone is going to get hurt.

C = Cuddle (How do they cuddle?) - Tony cuddles like a koala. He snuggles his entire body into you, his face pushed into your chest. “Mmm, warm and comfy.”

D = Dates (What are dates with them like?) -  Go big or go home. Tony is going to spoil you with so many big and fancy dates. Only the best for you! However sometimes he does like to give you the nice simple dates with food he made terribly with candles.

E = Everything (You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world…)) - “You are my entire universe. I don’t know how I could do anything without you.”

“Because you’re you Tony. You can do so much.”

 F = Feelings (When did they know they were in love?) - Tony knew he was in love the moment he walked off the plane after his whole ordeal and saw you waiting for him, face full of worry. He thought of you lots during his time in the cave but it wasn’t until right there he realized it. He loved you.

G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?) - Tony surprisingly is very gentle. While people see him on tv and newspapers, they may think he’s rather cold and distant. Or they see him as just a playboy, but with you....he’s a whole other person. He’s so soft and makes sure you’re always alright, which is ironic coming from him.

H = Hands (How do they like to hold hands?) - I see Tony as liking holding hands, but I can see him holding his pinky with yours. It might have started out as a joke but then he realized he loved it a lot so it stuck around that made him comfortable.

I = Impression (What was their first impression?) - He saw you at the party of course. You had attended with some of your friends. He thought you were one of the most gorgeous men he had even laid his eyes on. He of course was trying to get you in bed for a one night stand but after you turned him down, he couldn’t help but wonder…why did it hurt that you turned him down? He decided he was going to not keep trying to get you in bed to find out...he was going to take you on a date.

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous?) - Oh you just KNOW Tony is a jealous man. It’s not that he thinks you’re his, but when it comes to other men flirting with you...that’s when you’re his. Especially when he sees Austin Hammer starting to flirt with you, Tony immediately slides in and wraps his arms around you before kissing your cheek. “Ah hammer I see you’ve met my boyfriend. Where’s yours at? Still ignoring your calls I’m guessing?” Tony said with a smile.

K = Kiss (How do they kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?) - Tony can go back and forth. He’s either kissing with fiery passion like how he would during his parties or with so much love and tender like if he let go he’d lose you forever. It was for sure Tony who initiated the first kiss.

L = Love (Who says ‘I love you’ first?) -  Not Tony. Tony was not a person that could deal with personal feelings. Sure maybe he KNOWS he loves you but for some reason he just couldn’t get himself to actually yell you. That meant it was up to you to say it for and when you did Tony was quick to say it back, almost like he needed confirmation that you loved him too.

M = Memory (What’s their favourite memory together?) - Tony’s favorite memory would probably be his first date with you. The way you smiled at the food that was delivered to you. The way you laughed at some of his jokes he considered stupid. How at the end of the night when he asked you for another date and you said yes with your signature smile. THAT was his favorite memory that he keeps with him.

N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?) - Yes. Tony thinks money is no object when it comes to you. Remember that giant bunny? Yeah imagine gifts like that and even fancier gifts. Sometimes you have to remind him that you don’t need all of the gifts...then he buys you double that.

O = Orange (What colour reminds them of their other half?) - Tony thinks of you when he sees the color Navy Blue. It was the color of the lighting in the room where he first saw you, and it reminds him of that night every time.

P = Pet names (What pet names do they use?) - He calls you: Dearest, Lover, Future Mr.Stark, Mr.Stark, light of my life, etc. He keeps coming up with them too.

Q = Quaint (What is their favourite non-modern thing?) - Tony? Being Quaint? It’s hard to imagine but it does happen! Tony rather loves when you read to him when he’s laying down using your lap as a pillow.

R = Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?) - Like you had to ask. He’s in his lab working on things, however that doesn’t mean you’re alone. No, you’re also there with him helping him out or just keeping him company. He makes sure you know he’s not trying to ignore you.

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?) - He has to get his creativity out. He’ll be in the lab making something or he will draw blueprints. But that’s just the mechanic side, the non mechanic side also loves to just hold you. Sometimes taking a nap with you is enough to make him better.

T = Talking (What do they like to talk about?) - NOT avengers talk. No talk of iron man or avengers, he doesn’t want that in his home. He’ll ask about how you’re doing or will tell you about how Pepper is taking good care of the company, but he will do everything in his power NOT to talk about work at home.

U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?) - Music. He blasts his music so loud in his lab. It’s one of his ways to relax because he just loses himself in it. He absolutely loves when you start getting into the same music with him and especially loves it when you surprise it with VIP tickets to one of his favorite bands.

 “You know I could have bought these right?”

“Yep, but I wanted to do something special for you finally.”

“I love you so much.”

V = Vaunt (What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?) - His intelligence. Tony likes to show off just how smart he is and put people in their place. Even you can’t deny, it’s pretty hot.

W = Wedding (When, how, where do they propose?) - Tony proposes to you during a vacation to Hawaii. It’s about two years after you started dating and he decides it’s time. He wanted to propose a lot earlier, but he didn’t want to seem desperate.

X = Xylophone (What’s their song?) -  Demons by Imagine Dragons. Tony doesn’t know why, but every time he hears that song. He just gets so relaxed.

Y = Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?) - Oh yes he does. “M/n, We’ve been dating for a long time and I couldn’t imagine a better man to spend the rest of my life with. Will you do me the honor of becoming the other Mr.Stark?”

Z = Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what would they get?) - Honestly? A rat or a ferret. I can see Tony being a rodent person.