#rant poem

[soundbluster]

Eww... I got the dreaded Tumblr live update.

Get that cr*p off my dashboard!

...

(I Guess they've rolled it out outside of the US now, as I'm in the UK and I haven't seen it before.)

[felidaemelody]

The Burden of Proof

(A somewhat improved version of a somewhat outdated poem from before I accepted this human body and life)

You see my subjective experiences as a set of beliefs; a cloak that covers the root cause of my actions and emotions. To you, they are falsehoods held tightly against my human heart. I see reality, my reality at least, differently. These stories I tell about myself were not born of daydreams nor escapism nor mental illness nor neurodiversity. They festered underneath the muscles of my heart, beating and tearing louder at the most confounding of times that wouldn't have relevance to my human life. These feelings so intense that they are impossible to ignore, near impossible to deny, crawled out of the values; traveled to every vein in this vessel; and reached my brain and eyes, ripping off the foggy veil of my existence that I couldn't tell apart from ordinary human experience until that fundamental truth washed away the arrogant and ignorant assumptions force fed to me throughout my problematic upbringing to reveal my connection to my reflection has always been one of disconnection. The true escapism was my half-hearted yet stubborn attempt to free myself from the pain of this embedded cage of a body by desperately against common sense trying to persuade myself into believing I was human until I was so. Months of bashing my heart with a rusty hammer smelted from baseless assumptions about how healthy and sane people are, what they allegedly believe, only further pumped the innate feelings around my nervous system while damaging an important part of myself. These feelings are not only real, not only sane, not only important - to amputate this core part of my soul would be to destroy me and leave behind a husk; a mere imitation of my true self collapsed on the floor. Can you see now how your casual remarks, so seemingly innocuous from your human-centric perspective, were a volley of wrecking-balls launched at me from within the walls of what I thought was my sanctuary, surrounded by those, yourself included, that I consider family? I know nothing from my recounts can account for the need for solid evidence; there's a tragic reason why I "joke" about being insane. I guess I shouldn't have let my guard down. The oasis of acceptance was a mirage. My companions on the edge of the Earth's collapse can't, won't, see me for who I really am. In my place, their rationalization of me in the form of an insane furry. The crawling under my skin is still here; and it will never go away until either this vessel or I break. I hold desperately onto hope for a third option, of physical liberation and expression through the authentic resculpting of the flesh-costume. Until then... my curiosity drags my lethargic prison towards tomorrow.

[mindrottinglystupid]

No One

No one 

Tells someone

To simply be quite

They say ‘never be stubborn, never be whole, 

Never be talking, never be laughing’

It’s all in the pauses, in the quite few seconds

The side ways few glances, with hateful brown eyes 

‘Have no more friends, but don’t talk to me

Say exactly what I’m thinking, or don’t talk at all

Walk behind me, not beside me 

And don’t look my way

Don’t talk to them, they’ll only laugh

I mean look at you, your helpless 

Completely incompetent 

I’m your only hope, the only one who understands

I can be human and I can be weird

But you must be perfect 

Not a human but my servant 

Only do as I say

No defenses 

No reasons 

No feelings

No friends

Only me

Only me 

Only me'

[averywritespoetry]

You promised me in the color of devotion that you would mend the burns you scorched onto my skin, so why is it I’m still melting, porcelain, dripping onto your skin, wax covering that hardens when I reach out for you again.

-a.b.

[taotaoirl]

ashes

ashes were once flames - how i miss dancing in the blaze.

standing in the pile of ash, the warm sand during those hot summer days.

you told me i was different, but do all differences get replaced?  

perhaps all i wanted was your praise but you just wanted me for the chase.

you played me like a game but i chose to come back anyways.

but now why do i mourn in pain?  

the fire has been put out - and all that’s left is but your pitiful gaze. 

[agirlsnotesapp]

As the eldest daughter, I let the anger against my mother go.

She had my sisters and I young, I feel I can only forgive her for not knowing the exact steps motherhood takes. My dad cheated on my mom early on in their marriage, and still she never talked ill of him throughout our childhood, the feelings she buried, I can forgive her for. I used to be so upset at her when she would want to go out with friends and I'd be in charge, I was 9,10,11, and counting. She had a life too, I can forgive her for that. She was the stereotypical single mom, worked hard for her kids, struggled, dated men she felt worthy of her children, remarried, the typical life you see these days.

Now everyone is grown, knowledgeable on what the past holds and no idea what the future will bring.

However, my mom is still stuck in time. All of those feelings she buried for decades, she's now encapsulated herself with those waves of emotion. I feel sad most days, struggling to get up as a regular early twenties woman. She however, struggles every moment. My mom, whose the most beautiful woman I've ever known, has started a new journey on antidepressants. A part of me screamed while the rest of me cried when she told me. I know I'm not to blame, but the immense guilt I felt is surreal. It surrounds me, and I feel like the enemy ever having resentment towards her. She's only ever tried her best and now she's at the point of her life where she needs pills to be the best once more.

So,

I let the anger against my mother go, and redirected it to myself instead.

[mooon-beann]

"Cold waves roll over my feet,

As they sink deeper into the soft sand.

Watchful eyes gaze over the dark water,

As my mind buzzes with thoughts.

Suddenly, I'm surrounded by it.

The cold covers every inch of my skin. My world becomes quiet and dark.

I almost prefer it over the chaos.

My heart begins to slow,

And my breathing stops.

I think I might just stay here awhile."

-Moon <33

[atlasscrumpit]

Molly's Garden

Trigger warning - trauma

The garden was something of beauty, the virbarant flowers and the large trees casting a protective aura around the garden.

In the centre was a white stone fountain, it was simple but beautiful.

It's her place, her small piece of paradise.

She used to go here to escape, she learnt how to go here without hearing or feeling anything in the outside world.

I suppose that was all she had before we all came along.

Before we could protect her, the garden was the only place she could feel safe.

When she was there she couldn't hear his voice, couldn't feel his touches or feel anything.

She would just sit in the garden, silent and still.

Waiting for it to be over.

Her garden was all she had.

All she knew.

The only thing that would keep her safe.

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

love songs

every love song was about you, once.

now i drive too fast down windy roads,

and turn the music up too loud

as if it will bring that feeling back.

i search the lyrics, begging to understand

why i loved you

[poppiesandpromises]

Any time I see some headline

About the Supreme Court I

Wince and wonder what

New terror they have wrought

The scales of justice no longer

A benchmark of fairness

These dice are loaded

The roulette wheel stuck

We all scramble like

The rats of the titanic

Those doors are locked

We can but drown

[nightraiderwrites]

I fought with my Dad the other day

I fought with my Dad the other day.

He told me every word I say to him is angry, and I should fix it

Like anger is a flaw that should be fixed

But it shouldn't because I am allowed to feel

The silent question stretches between the five meters that seperate us

Are you angry? You shouldn't be.

Well, maybe I am angry, Dad

Maybe I'm scared because it seems every sentence you say to my sister

Is some sort of insult or backhanded compliment

So she'll grow up with bad memories of you and

Hopeless esteem issues and trouble trusting what people say

Because all you seem to say to her is teasing and taunting

I don't want her to grow up afraid to talk to you

Because you find a way to make her feel bad everytime your attention is on her

I am terrified I am going to fail, Dad

Fail as a person, fail as a sister, fail as a guardian

Because I can't seem to protect her from your words

That so clearly upset her

It's like you're throwing a snowball that you've hidden glass inside

And she's bleeding from the cuts on her face

Tears and screaming and emotion she cannot hold in

Because she is so young and I am angry

That you treat her the way you would treat someone below you

Our youth is not something that makes us lesser

It is not something that means we don't know about the world and it's ways

We know! We can hear you muttering under your breath

Small comments you don't think will impact us

But it does! We hear you and it makes us feel

And I am afraid, Dad, to feel around you

Because you say it doesn't matter. Because you get mad.

I am angry that my youth is being spent

Worrying about what you say when I'm not around

Dad, I am fifteen!

I should not have to worry about anything that comes out of your forty-nine year old mouth

I should not have to worry what's going to happen

When I leave the house to pursue a career on something I love

Something you make me ashamed to love

Because you told me the path was hard and I should take the easy way out

But, Dad, this isn't about whether it's easy or not!

This about living! This is about my life and my choices

You say it's hard like you think I can't do it if it's hard

You say it's hard like you think it's a bad thing

Dad, that doesn't matter! This is what I want.

I will not come crying to you if it all crashes and burns

Like the ashes of a plane

Because it will be my choice.

I fought with my Dad the other day

Now he doesn't say a word to either of us

He just sits and exists

Too bad I am not disturbed by our argument

And there are a million things I want to scream at him

Let a torrent of words spill from my mouth

But I swallow them instead.

I can't dignify his silence with words

[mindrottinglystupid]

Rant-esque Poem ahead!

I’m sorry I can’t be perfect for you

That I am made of mistakes

That I walk too straight

Or that I don’t walk straight enough

I’m sorry that I talk weird

That I use big words

That I sometimes skip over proper grammar to get my point

Or that sometimes I don’t want to talk at all

I’m sorry that I don’t like how you treat me

It’s not your fault, really

I want to make it your fault

It’s not like there’s proof or anything

I’m sorry that I have too much personality for you

That I’m too loud

Or that I’m too quiet

Maybe it’s that I talk with my hands too much

Or that I don’t know how to express my feelings

But you don’t either

I’m sorry there’s nothing left for you in this world

But that’s not my problem

So please don’t try to make it mine

I’m sorry you don’t know what’s good for you

I know what’s good for me

And you’re not it

So please don’t try to drag me down with you

I’m sorry you don’t understand what sorry means

You have a lot of apologies to give

And I’m not sure if you know what that means either

I’m sorry to the people that you have hurt

I’m sorry that you were hurt

But not really

At first, I was 

But then

You hurt me, too

And I saw how cruel you could be

So I’m not sorry 

For anything

Because you are the one who should be apologizing

Not me

[averywritespoetry]

Oh how I would willingly become a martyr desperate to show how badly the sonnets of my youth still live inside me, the numbing hot sting of battle wound cuts - blood spreading onto the field grass while the dandelion seeds turn a murky red.

Crawl out of my body, crack my ribs, hold my face and replace my eyes with yours. Or hold and wash the burning irritation of year long cries out of them. Cradle me in your arms and please hold me tightly. Tell me that you'll always be a part of me- that you won't leave me.

Tell me that there's room for you here in my body. Make it not so heavy. Just so I can breathe again. Is that too much to ask? I'm sorry I just wish id known how hard living can be when the essence of you was ripped out of me. stolen.

-a.b.

[v3nting-p03ms]

Lost again - By @v3nting-p03ms

I feel Lost again Without them I forgot who I really am

I turn to my poems As a way to cope But in reality They’ve only made this Worse

Looking back at these poems Makes me realize How far I’ve succumbed To my emotions And how sensitive I am

I turn to poetry as a way to help When they only make people worry They worry that all I do Is vent and pour my heart Into these poems

And I do. These poems Are my emotions And I do Pour everything Into these

I’m only now realizing How sensitive I am And how my emotions Tend to control me

But I’m still lost Lost in these words Lost in my feelings Lost in the world

And I’m not sure When I’ll be found Or if I want to be found All I know. Is that I’m lost again

Lost in my words That are about my emotions Lost in the pages That I’ve poured my soul onto Lost in the world That I live in.

I’m lost And I can’t get back home Into warm loving arms That I never knew.

[taotaoirl]

answer

why choose me? why pick me? why love me? 

was it love? or was it pity? 

you’ve forgotten our secret. what’s next on the list? 

my hobbies? my favourite song? my face? my name? me? 

i don’t want to fade away and be another memory. 

five minutes have never felt this long - yet three hours have never felt this short. 

i have ignored them and pretended you were perfect. because perhaps, to me, you truly were. 

i choose to believe in this fantasy. 

but weren’t you the one who called first? so now i wait patiently by the phone as time ticks by, waiting for the call that will never come. 

sky full of clouds yet it never rains.

will it finally be worth the pain? 

[myceli-yum]

Cold

a poem about surviving an abusive household

tw- implied abuse, descriptions of self harm

well here's an oldie! found this guy in my notes app the other day

I hate being cold

 i always have

The way our knees meet

and our shoulders touch our ears

Hours feel like years and

Our fears feel just

that 

Much

Louder

But still

I chose concrete

Still

I chose frozen

Still

I chose frozen concrete over going home

Still outside over inside

till 11 O'clock at night

that might not sound too bad

 but try doing that in mid winter

Mid grade nine

Middle of the night

Some guy sits in his parking lot

Although not just a guy but a kid

Although not just a kid but a kid who live

 ten metres away from where they sit

considering a blanket 

But

 that would mean going home

only for a moment

But still home

If you can still 

call it that at this point

There's a reason to choose

Frozen concrete 

over going home

Numb feet over sleep

Outside over in

And if outside is hidden

Pull inside out

When I've lost so much blood

I feel as if on frozen concrete

But still,

When ive lost so much blood

teeth meet 

and release 

and repeat

 a rhythmless monotony

I still 

Focus dizzy daze on reflection i find myself 

pale

Shaking

Wavering

 proud 

Although not just proud

but proud that I'm in control

For if I can't escape winter

I might as well create my own

Although not proud that I've hurt myself 

but proud that I've hurt myself

more than they ever could

 proud knowing

Although I hate being cold

i can control my own winter

Although i no longer

sit on frozen concrete

it feels wrong when im not shivering

It feels wrong when shoes aren't shimmering with

midnight frost

Midwinter lost me

and I feel bad for leaving 

Although I do hate being cold, i always have 

How can fingers

 be comprised

of fire and ice

at the

same time

How come I chose winter gusts over blanket

Still

No longer

Midwinter

Mid grade nine

Sidewalk sleeping a past time

Still

Finger freezing a past time

Still

Although i hate being cold i 

still force myself to be

Yeah,

I was one of those bitches that wore shorts in the winter

Got pneumonia twice because of it

I was too cool for jackets

Too committed for blankets

I had to be

Good at passing time watching dew freeze 

I had to be

time moves 

more slowly 

when you 

watch it

When knees meet and shoulders touch ears

Hours feel like years and

 fears feel just

 that much more real

I can't feel my toes

But i can feel what might happen if i go home so

Mid winter

Mid grade nine

A guy sits in his parking lot

Although not just a guy but a kid

Although not just a kid

but a kid with phone  face down on the concrete

for time moves more slowly if you watch it

Although not just a kid

 but a kid counting windows going dark

Pulling hoodie strings

as tight 

as they can go

 leave no window

for any winter

But your own

No finger leaves sleeves without being frozen

Although not just a kid

tremors like earthquakes lips cracked like the aftermath

But a kid who lives ten metres away 

Afraid

to stop shivering as that would mean

Going home

Considering a blanket

but that would mean going home so

Midwinter

Mid grade nine

A guy sits in a parking lot

Although not just a guy but a kid

Although not just a kid

but a kid who hates being cold, i always have