#really not liking the Implications i am picking up from the promos

[redrreign]

if they make h*ntlow real in s3 im blowing this whole building up

[grilledcheeseandguavajelly]

“Somewhere Just Beyond My Reach, There’s Someone Reaching Back For Me” -- Wilhemina Venable x Mildred Ratched

Mildred Ratched already owns my heart. That’s just the sad truth. She shares the space with Venable now. Which means that I’m left thinking of the two of them together almost constantly. And eventually it got too loud and I had to write it. 

Please bear with me, the show hasn’t even dropped a trailer yet so this is just me having fun with the little I know about Nurse Ratched (and the little I am hoping for gathered from promo pictures/teasers). Also, I wrote it in maybe two days, so I apologize in advance for any typos.

Words: ~13,500

Warnings: None? I’m hesitant to say none on a fic with ~these women~, but yeah I think that’s where we are right now. Just a bit of smut (shhhh) 

~I really hope you all enjoy this one, it’s probably a bit different than everyone was expecting, but I couldn’t resist. Alright, LET’S DO THIS~

Wilhemina’s fingers twitched on her cane, thumb rubbing reflexively against the handle as she watched the line in front of her. Stagnant. And she had been waiting for almost twenty minutes. 

She was just starting to lose her patience, especially with the man she was behind. Too tall, smelling of cigarettes. The future of her day pressed against her, the knowledge that she was going to be faced with hundreds of these men, large and consuming and throwing too much ego around. 

This convention was entirely men, as far as she could see. And as she looked around, took in their shining shoes and their notebooks and their stares, she shifted, setting her posture on her cane and standing up a bit straighter. 

Until heels clicked through the room, tapping steadily and coming to a halt just behind her. 

And Wilhemina realized that they hadn’t been staring at her. 

Soft muttering, a huff, and then Wilhemina turned, her curiosity peaked. 

Her eyes landed on a woman, entirely too perfect for her own good, from the way her hat sat at an impeccable angle to the way her feet crossed smoothly, one in front of the other, as she dug through her purse. 

A second later, her mouth pursed into a thin line as she pulled out a neatly folded stack of papers. And as she looked up, straightening, her eyes met Wilhemina’s. 

A small smirk played over her lips, no doubt at the realization that Wilhemina had been staring at her. And all Wilhemina could think to do in the moment was pop her brow, quirking her head. 

Composure. Self-preservation.

A long moment where Wilhemina let herself look her up and down, take in her quartered sleeves, peter-pan collar, the row of thick buttons that ran a perfect line down to a flared skirt. And black, velvet gloves to match. 

And then she found her voice.

“I was under the impression that I would be the only woman speaking here today.” 

And this woman, so impeccably dressed, so impeccably put together, had the nerve to pop her brow right back. 

“Well,” she countered quickly, tipping her shoulders back. “One should never assume.” 

And this time, Wilhemina couldn’t help the smirk that pulled at her lips. She offered her free hand, tapping her cane as she spoke. “Wilhemina Venable. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” 

And to her surprise, the woman took it, gloved hand warm in Wilhemina’s grip. 

“Mildred Ratched,” she replied smoothly, eyes hot as a smile curved her lips. 

Wilhemina couldn’t help but shift as she shook the woman’s hand, some sort of victory, of smugness, folding into her from the power radiating through this simple gesture. Her nose twitched and then Mildred’s hand was falling away, finding the strap of her small purse and rubbing at it absently as she pulled her composure back around her. 

She watched Mildred’s eyes flick past her, and then immediately around the room. Watched the slight shake in her breath as she undoubtedly realized what Wilhemina had only moments before. It really was all men here, save the two of them. 

“What are you lecturing on?” Wilhemina asked, pleased when Mildred’s eyes snapped back to her. 

“Psychological advances made through study of post-trauma triggers and observances in the field of action.”

Wilhemina hummed, her fingers tightening on her cane as the implication of what the woman said settled around her. “You helped during the war?”

A smug look crossed Mildred’s face, but she morphed it into a passive smile. “Helped might be an understatement.” 

There was a long moment as Wilhemina realized that Mildred was probably entirely capable of handling herself around so many men. Commanding so many men. And then the woman spoke again. 

“And you?” 

Wilhemina swallowed, tapping her cane as she set her shoulders against inevitable backlash that always came when she admitted to never helping with the war efforts. 

“No.”

To her surprise, Mildred only chuckled. Shook her head. “I meant what are you lecturing on.”

She set her jaw, fingers twitching at her error. Her mistake. But Mildred hadn’t scolded her. Hadn’t judged. She was only curious. So polite. So focused. 

“I’m simply posing the question of technology versus consciousness. And somehow, I have a feeling that these men will not like it.”

A small laugh from Mildred, and then something settled over her that looked almost uncomfortable, an uneasiness radiating off of her like a wave. 

Wilhemina quirked a brow. “Perhaps you’re not fond of it either, Ms. Ratched?” 

But Mildred shook her head. “Nurse,” she corrected. “And it’s not that. It’s simply...” 

Her eyes pulled over the men surrounding them. Staring at them. Undoubtedly murmuring about them as they walked. Always together. Always in pairs. 

Mildred fingered the strap of her purse, teeth scraping over her bottom lip for a fraction of a second before she schooled her features.

Wilhemina let her eyes run over her once more, top to bottom and back again. The language of her movements, scribbled down in books on how to cover yourself from the world. How to block everyone out and set yourself atop the pyramid of society. 

“Well, Nurse Ratched,” Wilhemina tried, smirking as she tapped her cane once more. “Order on the outside does wonders to keep the chaos safely on the inside.” 

And then those eyes, those brown, piercing eyes, viciously slicing through Wilhemina. She knew that look, that shock. She had seen right through her. Exposed her, clear as day. Mildred was vulnerable. Mildred was broken. 

Mildred was just like her. 

~~~ 

There was an expression on Wilhemina’s face that Mildred couldn’t read. And try as she might, eyes searching and picking apart the minuscule eyebrow quirks and eyes narrowing and lips twitching, she was completely lost. 

And nothing set her more on edge.

Mildred had always been able to read everyone. It was her first priority. Get a feel for them, dig down into them. Find the thing that makes them tick and spin it on its head to stay on top. 

But Wilhemina had some sort of wall around her. Something that fuzzed out Mildred’s mind and kept her pulled in tight. A magnet against a metal strip. 

A soft, “I look forward to hearing you speak,” and then Wilhemina was turning away, stepping forward in line and giving her name to the man sat at the table just in front of them. 

She watched as Wilhemina handed over her papers, shoulders askew and tapping her cane. Impatiently, Mildred realized. And she schooled her features as she recognized the difference between this tap and the way it had clicked when they were speaking. Absently, an extension of herself. 

And then, with an irritated smile, Wilhemina was checked in and moving aside, fingers flexing on her cane as she sauntered past the table. 

Mildred watched Wilhemina walk away, handing her papers to the man before her. And her eyes stayed locked on Wilhemina as she paused just before she fell out of sight, turning mid-step. 

“Name?” the man asked, pulling Mildred’s attention from the smirk that sliced across her face. 

She took a deep breath, voice perfectly even as she replied. And as he sifted through files and documentation, Mildred let herself look up again. Wilhemina was gone. 

She shoved the pang of sadness aside, straightening out the hem of her glove and shifting her purse further up her arm. And only after clearing the woman from her mind and focusing back on the man before her, did she notice how careless he was being. 

“Excuse me,” she tried, voice suddenly firm. Still impeccably soft. “You’re wrinkling the edge of my papers.” Mildred indicated to the corner of the page, where the man’s arm was pressing a nice crease into the side of her registration documents. Her fingers twitched on the strap of her purse as she composed herself. 

“They’re just papers,” the man said, offering her a small smile as he finished scribbling. 

“They’re just things, Mildred. You don’t need things.”

“Daddy, please. Not mommy’s necklace.”

“You don’t deserve it. You haven’t been a good girl.”

Mildred pressed her mouth into a thin line, taking a deep breath against her father’s voice in her head. 

“They’re my papers,” she said firmly, pressing her hand into the table and leaning forward. “And good manners would indicate you having respect for others’ things. Would it not?”

The man’s smile fractured, and Mildred almost smirked as she watched him gulp. He straightened out the corner of her papers, handing them back to her. 

“Apologies, Nurse Ratched. Your first lecture is in room 42 B, just down the hall on the right.”

“There’s a good boy,” she drawled, pulling the papers from his fingers and frowning at the line down the edge. “And you’re going to be more careful with everyone else’s belongings, yes?”

“Yes, Nurse Ratched.” 

And then she was walking away, that nice little bubble of satisfaction wedging into her heart. 

~~~ 

“Eyes up.” 

Mildred’s voice rang out through the hall, and Wilhemina was shocked at how her heart leapt at the tone of it. So commanding. So dominating. 

“Our boys sacrificed their lives on these battlefields for us. The absolute least we can do is pay attention and listen and learn, to further the pursuit of medicine that they gave their lives for. Is that not correct?”

“I don’t think they sacrificed their lives for medicine, Nurse Ratched.” 

And Wilhemina smiled at the fire that licked over her eyes, watching the way her hands splayed out on her podium. The way she straightened out her neck as her eyes bored into the boy who had interrupted her. 

“What is your name?” she asked calmly. Too calmly.

“Jimmy,” he replied smoothly, and Wilhemina’s fingers itched at the smug look on his face. She could barely see him, sitting impeccably still in her seat and tracking him with her eyes. But she knew that tone of voice. She knew that type of man. 

“Well, James,” Mildred continued, stepping around her podium and crossing her legs as she folded her hands neatly in front of her. “They may not have gone to war with the intention of furthering medicine. But they did go to war with the intention of saving lives. And how we use these lessons that they have taught us, intentional or not, could change the course of humanity as we know it. So would we not be remiss to waste such a hefty sacrifice? Do we not owe it to our boys to take as much as we can from the lives they gave so freely?”

And the sound that followed as Mildred looked over the men, eyes tracking them sharply as her expression morphed from perfectly concerned to smooth and kind, made Wilhemina’s heart pound. Because you could hear a pin drop. And never in her life had she ever come across another woman who had the same affect that she did on a group of men. Another woman who was so commanding. And so impeccably composed. 

~~~ 

Wilhemina’s cane tapped with her words, punctuating points and emphasizing the way her eyes would narrow at questions. 

“So, are you saying that we could make robots, Ms. Venable? Like…from the movies?”

A few laughs threaded out through the room and Mildred shifted in her seat, nose twitching at the innate possessiveness that pooled in her chest. 

But as she looked up at Wilhemina, vision blurring, just so, her cane slammed against the wood. Mildred had to bite her lip to keep from smiling at the way the men jumped in their seats. 

“If you were listening, Mr. Brannard, you would understand that not only is it a possibility, my colleagues and I have already accomplished it.” 

Her eyes narrowed, and Mildred hated the way that even that small act of dominance made her heart pound. 

Wilhemina pursed her lips, tilting her head and tutting softly. Condescendingly. “Or are you too naive to imagine that something this advanced could be achieved so soon? By a woman?”

The boy stuttered, looking to the man beside him for help. But he was head down in his papers, scratching out notes. 

Mildred took a deep breath, eyes falling back to Ms. Venable as she stalked around the podium. Slow. Practiced. She was making them wait, and she knew they would. 

And suddenly, just like that, in a moment — Mildred was addicted to her. 

~~~ 

The door shut behind Wilhemina and she let herself sigh, leaning onto her cane as her eyes fell closed. There was something about being surrounded by men, constantly, their eyes on her as she spoke, that always made her feel dirty. And it was exhausting, having to keep her steel walls up when Mildred was sitting in the back of the room watching her with so much intensity that she should have caught fire. 

It was sad when the only place that she could get a moment to breathe was the ladies’ room. 

That moment ended quicker than she would have liked, the squeak of the door opening forcing her to stand straighter on her cane and busy herself in the mirror. 

Strong. Unaffected. 

Heels clicked as Wilhemina wiped at the corner of her mouth, flicking off the smallest speck of stray lipstick. She waited for the woman to lock herself in a stall so that she could make a clean exit. But to her surprise, the footsteps stopped just short of her. And when Wilhemina threw a hot look over her shoulder at the intrusion, she was almost impressed. 

“Hello, dear.”

Wilhemina popped her brow, a small smirk making her lips twitch. “Ms. Ratched.”

“Nurse,” she corrected, tipping her chin up as her eyes lit from behind. 

“Mildred.”

A pause, Mildred’s gaze falling down Wilhemina’s form. “What are you doing?”

“Well I was intending to use the restroom,” Wilhemina replied, smoothing a hand down her skirt as she turned to face the woman. 

Mildred’s eyes were calculating, twitching almost imperceptibly at the corner. “Unacceptable.”

Wilhemina scoffed. “And why might that be?”

“You’re scheduled to speak again in ten minutes. You should be prepping your presentation in five.”

She gestured to the space around them, head tilting challengingly. “Hence why I’m using the restroom now.”

A beat. Mildred stared at her, fingers slipping on the strap of her purse. And Wilhemina had only spoken to this woman once, but she had watched her for almost three hours, and then another two during her own lecture. She knew why her fingers twitched. She could read her like a book. 

So she took a step forward, tapping her cane out in front of her and leaning on it, just enough to get in Mildred’s space. 

“Did you miss me, Millie?” Venable breathed, eyes flicking over Mildred’s face. And she didn’t miss the way the other woman’s breath hitched, body stiffening. “Were you hoping to get me all to yourself for a few minutes?”

Mildred cleared her throat, straightening. “And if I was?”

A smirk. 

“Do you have plans for dinner?”

~~~ 

Mildred had had plans for dinner. Of course she had. Very rarely did her schedule slip away from her, especially so when she was in a strange city around strange people. 

But somehow, for some reason, she had changed her plans. For a woman.

Slap. “Disgusting, stupid whore. Is this who you want to become? Disgrace. Pull yourself together.”

Pull yourself together. 

Wilhemina set the plate down before her and Mildred shifted in her seat, smoothing her already impeccably placed napkin on her lap. 

And only when she finally pulled her eyes off of Wilhemina, sitting down opposite her at the table and propping her cane against the wood, did she realize that this woman was an incredible chef. 

The dish was colorful, sausage swimming in pasta and decorated with fresh herbs. She comforted herself in the knowledge that she was eating better here than she would have been at the restaurant where she had reserved a table. 

A logical decision. 

They ate in silence for a few moments, Mildred fighting the shaking of her hands and trying to come up with a halfway decent conversation starter. But Wilhemina beat her to it. 

“Tell me about the war,” she said softly as she twisted her fork in the pasta, looking up at Mildred with such blatant curiosity and innocence that she couldn’t say no. Couldn’t bear to shove that wall up and bark at her and throw out her usual excuses. 

Which is how she found herself, almost an hour later, plate nearly empty as she covered her mouth with her fingers, swallowing around a bite that was just a fraction too large. 

“No no,” she corrected, taking a sip of water. “It wasn’t the bombs that were distracting. It wasn’t the gunfire. It was the screaming.”

Something flashed in Wilhemina’s eyes and Mildred stuttered, almost convinced she was about to smile. Almost convinced she was about to cry. 

“It was constant,” she continued, fingers playing over her fork as the memories flooded back into her mind. The smell of it, the sound. “Poor boys, too young to be fighting. And they never stopped. They never stopped screaming. Eventually you learn to tune it out. You have to. If you focus on them, if you let yourself hear it, everything else breaks away. You have to block it out. Or you lose the order of your surgical tent.” 

Wilhemina nodded, swallowing. “Seems impossible.” 

But Mildred shook her head again, shocking herself at how forward she was being. At how the words were spilling from her lips. Like she had known this woman for hundreds of years. 

She was almost certain that she had, the way Wilhemina’s eyes pierced straight through her every time their gazes met. 

“Logic and responsibility. That’s the key.” 

And to her surprise, Wilhemina laughed. A full, pretty sound that was too raspy for her own good. 

Mildred flushed, taking a long sip of water as Wilhemina spoke. 

“No, no. Rules. Clear lines and boundaries. A straight right and a firm wrong. It’s the only way to keep them all in line.” 

“You’re wrong,” Mildred stated, matter of fact. And when Wilhemina rose from her seat, she almost flinched. 

But she only stalked over, a smirk slicing across her face as she collected Mildred’s plate and walked it over to the sink. 

Cool. Calculated. Every one of Wilhemina’s actions had an equal, opposite reaction. They stalked around each other in perfect circles, and halfway through the dance Mildred’s mind was absolutely spinning. This time, she didn’t have a justification. Didn’t have follow-up. She was losing her grip. 

The silence was deafening, exacerbated by the tapping of Wilhemina’s heels and the clattering of tableware against porcelain. 

And then, just like that, she was back, pulling out the chair directly next to Mildred and settling down into it. 

“Most people don’t get the privilege of telling me I’m wrong.” 

Her voice had lowered, dangerous and sharp, a snake bite. And Mildred couldn’t help but dig her teeth into her bottom lip. Because this woman was so perfect, and so beautiful, and so intelligent. Sitting before her like it was nothing. Like the heat in Mildred’s cheeks wasn’t creeping down into her fingers and making them itch. 

Her eyes flicked down to Wilhemina’s lips before she could help herself, and her fingers dug into her skirt as she watched Wilhemina flick her tongue over them. Wetting them. So slick. So perfectly shaped. 

And then Wilhemina’s hand covered hers, skin soft and smooth and tender against Mildred’s. 

She looked back into Wilhemina’s eyes, suddenly dark, suddenly entirely too intense. She wasn’t prepared for this. She wasn’t ready. She wanted this more than anything she had ever wanted before in her life. 

And she silently thanked whatever gods lay above her for getting her through the war and straight to this moment. Because her entire life would be worth living if Wilhemina would just— 

Wilhemina leaned forward, and that was all it took. Just the slightest tilt of her chin. Mildred hadn’t realized how close they had gotten. But then Wilhemina’s mouth was on hers, so firm and yet so, so delicate. 

She let her eyes fall closed, let herself sigh into the feel of it. The feel of her. Turned her hand and threaded their fingers together and squeezed because this was all she had wanted. Since the moment that fire-red hair had turned and she had looked up into those deep, brown eyes.

Wilhemina pulled away before Mildred was ready to let go, and she couldn’t help the half-whine that lodged itself in her throat. That she tried so desperately to swallow down. 

“Better?” Wilhemina teased, pressing their foreheads together.

She let out a shaky breath, thumbing at Wilhemina’s knuckles. “Infinitely.” 

There was a long moment of silence, and Mildred was almost getting accustomed to these spaces, these gaps between their communication where they just let their feelings hang between them. Let their hearts speak without words getting in the way. 

Mildred swallowed, licking her lips slowly as she looked up into Wilhemina’s eyes. 

“What are the rules now, Ms. Venable?”

Wilhemina hummed, nudging their noses together as her eyes flicked down to Mildred’s lips again. “You relax and let me take care of you.” 

A wobbling breath, and Mildred wet her lips again, hands trembling as she leaned into Wilhemina. So close to what she wanted. So close. “And if I say no?”

Wilhemina smirked, hand coming up to Mildred’s throat before moving to brush delicately over her cheek instead. And when she spoke again, her eyes were lidded and she breathed the words almost directly into Mildred’s mouth. 

“Now where’s the logic in that, Nurse Ratched?” 

~~~ 

Mildred toed off her shoes. Delicately. Carefully. And Wilhemina watched in awe of the woman before her. Perfectly pristine. 

She always strove for perfection. Perfectly presented to the world, perfectly protected. Perfectly hidden. And she had thought she almost had it. But now, watching Mildred, she realized that perfection was far out of her grip. Not when it looked like this. 

Wilhemina wasn’t perfectly presented, not compared to the way Mildred took care with every tiny pleat and line and cuff. Down to the perfectly straight earrings. Down to the parallel lines of her stockings that ran up the back of her calves. And Wilhemina certainly wasn’t perfectly protected when Mildred looked at her like that, eyes wide and lips pink as she slowly, purposefully started picking down the buttons on her shirt. 

Wilhemina was only and solely perfectly exposed, her heart entirely too vulnerable around a woman that she knew would protect it. Around a part of her that she didn’t know had existed until it had tapped its way up behind her in line and pulled the zipper on the curtain over her heart. 

She couldn’t stop watching Mildred. Not when she let her shirt fall to the floor. Not when she unbuttoned the top of her skirt and tugged at the zip, shimmying out of it and letting it pool around her ankles, leaving her in nothing but a thin, silk slip and black pantyhose. 

And then she bunched up her slip and rolled them down, Venable’s eyes tracking the way that perfectly straight line up her calf crumpled as she went, bending and morphing as Mildred let her walls down. Let her in. Let Wilhemina see her for who she really was beneath all of that perfection and obsession and compulsivity. 

Suddenly it was too much, and Wilhemina simply couldn’t sit on the edge of the bed watching anymore. She needed to touch. She needed all of Mildred pressed against all of her. Every inch. Every piece. 

Wilhemina walked up behind her, wrapping her hands around her stomach and pressing a soft kiss to her shoulder before resting her chin there. 

“Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?”

Mildred turned, a smile flickering over her lips. She had been so serious when she was undressing, her mouth pulled into a line, eyes flicking between Wilhemina behind her and the mirror before her, her hands pulling over herself to smooth everything down, make sure her hair was still curling down her back, making sure her pins were all in place. But now she looked lighter. Now she looked like she had at the table, open and soft and pliant. 

“Show me,” Mildred whispered, and Wilhemina pressed another kiss to her shoulder before shifting her in front of the mirror. Her hands found the pins still holding her hair up, pulling them out slowly as she nipped and bit her way up Mildred’s neck, sucking just a bit to hard at the crook of her jaw. 

And Wilhemina couldn’t help but smile as Mildred sighed, her hand reaching up behind her and twisting through Wilhemina’s hair. 

Mildred knew when Wilhemina got the last pin out, shaking her hair out and fluffing it almost immediately. And then she turned in Wilhemina’s arms, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek as she reached around and pulled the tie from her own hair. 

It fell in heaps around her shoulders, and Mildred giggled softly. 

Wilhemina’s brow popped, sarcasm pushing through as a weak attempt at self-preservation. “Is something the matter?” 

But Mildred only laughed, shaking her head and running her fingers through Wilhemina’s hair. 

“Cinnamon sugar,” she murmured, twisting her finger through a lock and admiring it. And Wilhemina felt herself flush against her will. 

“I’m almost certain our hair is the same color,” she tried, fingers twitching on Mildred’s waist. 

Frustrated. Exposed. Worshipped. 

Mildred only shook her head, leaning forward. She hesitated for a brief moment before pressing a soft kiss to Wilhemina’s lips. And suddenly Wilhemina didn’t care if she was giggling or teasing or playing with her hair. As long as she was here. As long as she kept doing that. 

“You’re awfully sweet for someone who is supposed to be so intimidating, Ms. Venable.”

Wilhemina scoffed, rolling her eyes before Mildred grabbed at her chin, raking her eyes over her and making a shiver run down her spine. 

“Why don’t you take all of that purple off for me, cinnamon? Hm?”

And Wilhemina hated how deeply she flushed, the nickname getting under her skin like it shouldn’t have. But this was Mildred. And somehow, she knew exactly what Wilhemina wanted to hear before she realized it herself. 

It only took a few moments, untying the top of her shirt, pulling it up over her head. Sliding out of her skirt, peeling her gloves off. And Mildred watched her the entire time, eyes hot as they followed her fingers. 

She held out her hands as Wilhemina stepped out of her shoes, keeping her steady. Making sure she didn’t wobble. 

And this time, for the first time, Wilhemina completely forgot to feel exposed. She forgot to feel embarrassed about her back. She forgot to warn Mildred. 

But when Mildred kissed her again, this time a bit harder and a bit deeper, fingers wrapping up around Wilhemina’s neck and sliding down over her shoulders, over her spine, nothing happened. 

She didn’t flinch. She didn’t recoil. She didn’t even gasp. She just kept kissing her and kissing her and kissing her, until Wilhemina’s thighs hit the mattress. 

Mildred pulled back, breaking the kiss as her teeth dug into her lip, fingers rubbing together absently. Just like they had over her purse. Over her fork. 

Wilhemina gave her a small nod, tentatively grabbing for her wrists and guiding them to her stomach. 

She didn’t miss the way Mildred’s fingers flexed before she touched her, didn’t miss the glint in her eye as she hesitantly, delicately, grabbed Mina’s waist and pushed her down into the bed. 

And the way she touched her, warm palms pressing against Wilhemina’s sides before pulling away almost immediately, and then replacing them in an instant. This time firm. This time sure. This time pushing Wilhemina onto her back and smoothing up her stomach so that nails were pricking at the very bottom of her bra. 

Mildred crawled over her, pressing a singular, wet kiss just below Wilhemina’s jaw. 

“Millie,” Wilhemina breathed, squirming under her. 

“My name is Mildred,” she corrected, and Wilhemina let herself smirk, catching the way Mildred hardened and taking the opportunity to flip the switch yet again. 

She hooked a leg over Mildred’s hip, pushing her and flipping them and bracing herself above her. 

Mildred gasped, a soft whine pushing out of her as she was slammed back into the mattress. Wilhemina leaned down, nudging their noses together before flicking her tongue out and licking the tip of her nose. 

“What are you afraid of, Millie?” Wilhemina breathed, hands sliding slowly up her sides before locking over her ribs and pinning her to the bed. “Is someone losing control?” 

She couldn’t help but smirk at her own joke, amplified by the way Mildred’s eyes widened and hardened. 

“No. It’s just—“ 

Wilhemina bit down on her collarbone, cutting her off as she squirmed beneath her. She hummed, pushing her further into the bed. 

“Oh no? So you’re fine then, right?”

And after a second’s hesitation she nodded again, hands coming up to smooth out her hair as her eyes bored into Wilhemina’s. 

The word “yes” left Mildred’s mouth, but Wilhemina had already seen it in her face. The screaming. The need to dominate. The need to be dominated. The want. 

“Millie,” Wilhemina sing-songed, bending down to press a kiss to her cheek. She wasn’t surprised it was warm, the flush already clouding her perfect, porcelain skin. She was surprised that it was scorched, Mildred’s teeth dug into her bottom lip as she watched Wilhemina carefully. 

“Let go, darling,” she murmured, nails scraping lightly down Mildred’s sides. “Let me be in charge of you for once, yeah? Let those pretty little walls down. I won’t hurt you. I promise.” 

~~~ 

Wilhemina kept saying it. That stupid little nickname. Over and over. She wouldn’t stop, and Mildred couldn’t think. And it was making her furious in the absolute best way. 

She was losing control. She had always been so careful. She had always tried her absolute best. But somehow, tonight, she could feel it slipping through her fingers with every kiss, with every gasp, with every moan. 

And she was okay. 

Her world wasn’t crumbling. Mildred was surviving. And to her surprise, the world seemed to actually sort itself in those small moments, the fractions of seconds where Wilhemina panted that little nickname and Mildred’s body responded of its own accord. Mildred was thriving, Mildred was being loved. Mildred was finally living. 

And so she let go. 

She twisted her fingers in the sheets, Wilhemina’s name falling off her tongue as she arched into her. 

Wilhemina hummed, a nice, satisfied sound, and then she was kissing down her neck, fingers scratching up under her slip, up the inside of her thighs. 

Mildred should have wanted to pull away. She should have wanted to clamp her thighs shut and pull her slip down and shove herself up against the headboard. But to her surprise her thighs fell open, and before she knew what she was doing she was lifting her hips off the mattress and reaching down, tugging her slip up over her thighs, up past her stomach. 

Wilhemina pulled off of her, for a split second, and Mildred froze. But then she wrapped her hand around Mildred’s and pulled her forward, pulled her up, kissing her temple as she helped slide the slip up over her head. Threw it on the floor. 

And then Mildred was completely exposed. Completely vulnerable. Her hands came up to cover herself instinctively, suddenly too cold and too naked without the heat of Wilhemina’s mouth on her neck. 

But she was right there, threading their fingers together and pulling her hands back down into her lap. 

“It’s okay. I’m right here,” she cooed, and something deflated inside of Mildred. She let out a long breath, squeezing Wilhemina’s hands as she swallowed. And then, in a desperate attempt to gain some kind of control back, no matter how futile, she tried something. 

“Touch me, Mina.” 

She watched the other woman gasp. Let pride fill her at the pure smile that made tears prick in Wilhemina’s eyes. Traced her thumb over the back of Wilhemina’s hand. 

“Mina,” she tried again, suddenly feeling more comfortable with this intimacy. Because now they were both exposed. Equal. Again. Just like they should be. 

Wilhemina lunged forward, mouth hot and hungry as she pushed Mildred back against the mattress. And her hands. Her hands. Everywhere, all at once. Like she was trying to memorize the shape of her. Like she needed to touch her or she would disappear. And Mildred understood. Because she had that same ache, the same need within her. If her fingers weren’t on Wilhemina, pulling her tighter to her, pulling her closer, she was absolutely certain that she would vibrate and explode into a billion atoms, right there in the middle of the room. 

It suddenly turned so desperate, Mildred just about to beg for Wihemina’s fingers, for more when she felt them brush against her, cold against the heat burning between her thighs. 

Wilhemina pulled back, just so, just enough to look her in the eyes. And Mildred pushed all of her emotion, all of her want through, nodding frantically. 

“Please—“

But no sooner had she opened her mouth than Wilhemina’s fingers pushed inside of her, filling that space there perfectly and making Mildred finally feel like she was whole. 

Wilhemina smirked, and Mildred let out a soft “oh” at the unfamiliarity of it all. The comfort. And then she was moving and Mildred was moving, hips rolling down against Wilhemina’s wrist as she curled her fingers and sped up. 

And before she knew what was happening, that heat was building in her stomach, toes curling where her heel dug into Wilhemina’s back. She didn’t know how she had gotten like this, one leg thrown over her shoulder, a hand in Mina’s hair as she pressed kisses to the inside of her thighs while her fingers pumped slowly, gently, intently. 

It seemed dirty. It seemed wrong. And Mildred couldn’t have cared less. All she could fathom was that little knot of control, holding onto it as it vibrated, threatened to explode. Gripping into it with her teeth if she had to, clinging to it until that exact moment, the perfect—

It snapped, Mildred scrambling to find purchase on something as she fell through the galaxy Wilhemina had built around her. She knew her mouth was moving. She knew she was probably whining for Wilhemina. But she couldn’t hear anything. Not over Mina’s voice against her skin. 

“Yes. That’s it. Perfect. Let go. I’m right here. I’ve got you. You’re safe.” 

It took too long for her body to come back to her, for her to regain her grip on reality and grab at some sort of control again. 

But as she opened her eyes on Wilhemina between her thighs, brow pushed up as the most beautiful, genuine smile graced her mouth, her perfect mouth, Mildred decided that right now, just for this one moment, she didn’t want control back. She wanted to just be. 

“Kiss me,” she breathed, and Wilhemina was right there, mouth pushing insistently against hers. And when Mildred tasted something tangy, something sharp and spicy and unfamiliar, she realized with a start that Mina must have put her mouth on her at some point. 

She hadn’t even realized. Hadn’t registered. 

She had given herself over completely into Mina’s mercy, and she had never felt so happy. So light. So utterly and completely protected. 

A small shuffle, sheets being rucked down, and then Wilhemina was sitting up against the headboard, and Mildred was right there, curling into her side and pressing herself in as close as she could. 

She smiled as Wilhemina’s arms wrapped around her waist. Almost possessively. 

They laid like that for a moment, Mina’s fingers tracing over her side as silence fell down upon the room, all remnants of Mildred’s screams dissolving into air. And then she finally, finally got her feet back under her.

“I want to take care of you,” Mildred said softly, pressing a kiss just over Wilhemina’s heart. But to her surprise, Wilhemina only shook her head. 

Lips against her temple, and then she spoke. “Not tonight, beautiful. We both need to be up early tomorrow.” 

Mildred wanted to say that she didn’t care. She wanted to argue and protest and throw something until Mina listened and let her feel her. All of her. 

But somewhere in the back of her mind she recognized that she would have to deal with those same men tomorrow, lecturing and commanding and spending too much of her energy trying to keep herself in control. So she nodded. Because they needed sleep if they were going to survive. 

“Tomorrow,” she sighed, looking up at Mina with eager eyes. And Wilhemina smiled, pressing another kiss to her temple. 

“Tomorrow.”

She curled further into Wilhemina, letting her hands wander just a bit further than they should have, suddenly feeling so entitled to this woman. She had permission to do whatever she liked to her. Just not quite yet. 

Wilhemina hummed, pressing one last kiss to the top of Mildred’s head, and then time slowed and the air grew thick as she started to move. 

Mildred felt her shift, turning just so and pulling an arm from around her waist as she reached for the lamp by the bed. 

“Don’t turn off the light, please. Daddy, please.”

“Why, are you afraid of monsters?”

A nod.

“Oh honey, the only monster you have to be afraid of is standing right here.” 

A sickening grin.

"You’re a big girl—“

“I’m not—“

“—you can handle this. Besides. Nothing is going to get you... As long as you don’t make a sound.”

Tears welled in Mildred’s eyes as she watched Wilhemina’s fingers inch closer. And how was she supposed to tell her about this? How was she supposed to explain that this one, tiny thing was her absolute weakness? She almost didn’t. Almost made it. But just as fingers brushed against the lamp, the hair on the back of her neck stood up and she tasted something bitter, bristling. 

Time sped up all at once then, Mildred clawing at Wilhemina’s hand and wrapping her fingers tight around her wrist to stop her. 

“Wait—“ she tried, but it came out broken and wrinkled.

Wilhemina froze, looking down at her. “Is everything okay?”

And Mildred couldn’t help the tears then, sniffing as they blurred her vision and letting her fingers fall from Wilhemina’s arm. 

“Please don’t turn it off just yet,” she tried, and she scolded herself for how weak she sounded. 

Unacceptable. Pull yourself together. 

Something crossed Wilhemina’s face that she couldn’t read, and her heart dug down deep in her chest as she braced herself. 

But then Wilhemina softened, brows raising, just so, as she stroked her thumb over Mildred’s side. A smirk pulled at her lips and she quirked her head. 

“My my, Nurse Ratched. Is someone afraid of the dark?” 

And the way she said it, almost laughing, simultaneously made Mildred feel like a child being scolded and a woman being loved. 

It was a blessing that she had used her title. It had given Mildred that shock to her system to jolt her out of her vulnerable state, building her walls back up as quickly as she could as she formed the searing negation on her tongue. 

Of course not. You’re mistaken. Don’t be ridiculous. 

But she couldn’t land on one that felt quite right. Because lying didn’t feel quite right. And Mildred told herself, assured herself, that it was only because she hadn’t thought of the perfect logical theorem to support her argument. She wasn’t prepared to have this conversation. Once she found one, she would be back in control and she could right her world back on its feet. And one time, maybe this time, they could turn the light off. 

She hadn’t realized how long she had been silent until she felt Wilhemina press a kiss to her hair. Mildred was still staring her down, nose twitching as Wilhemina’s eyes searched her face. 

A deep breath, a hard swallow. And then she nodded. 

And there it was. That was it. The most open and vulnerable and exposed she had ever been with another person in her life. 

And Wilhemina, her Mina, took it in stride, simply humming before threading fingers through Mildred’s curls and pulling her up closer so that she could pepper soft kisses across her face. 

“Oh, Millie,” she whispered, and Mildred was shocked to find a gentle smile on her lips. 

“It’s childish, I know.”

She shook her head, fingers playing over the edge of her face. “Not to me.” 

“You can turn it off once I’m asleep. I just—“

“No. If you prefer it on, we leave it on.” Wilhemina hooked a finger under her chin, tipping it up. “That’s that.”

A sniff. A shaky breath. “Are you certain...?”

“Anything for you.”

And that night, when Mildred closed her eyes and steadied her breathing and melted into the warmth of her lover, she somehow, some way, felt like she had finally found her way home. 

~~~ 

“That’s it, just like that.”

Wilhemina cooed, smirking as Mildred whined and rolled her hips down her thigh. A soft gasp, and Wilhemina tightened her hand in her hair, forcing her head back to expose more of her neck. 

“Oh my, Ms. Ratched,” she tried softly, ignoring the way her mouth watered at the sight of her muscles pulling taunt. The way she swallowed. 

“Millie,” Mildred gasped, letting out a small cry as Wilhemina latched her mouth to her neck. 

She hummed as she nodded, relishing the taste of her when she was unraveling like this. Sticky, hot. So different from that sharp, sweet, clean taste when she was still dressed and still protected and still in charge. 

“You’re learning.”

Mildred scoffed beneath her, and Wilhemina had a split second to brace herself before nails were raking up her thighs and up her lower back, Mildred’s hands splaying out and holding her close. 

“And you’re going too slow.”

Wilhemina was flipped before she knew what was happening, gasping as Mildred grabbed her shoulders and shoved her down in to the mattress. Hard. 

“Millie—“

But Mildred cut her off, pressing a chaste kiss to her cheek. And when she pulled back she was smiling. Sickly sweet. 

“Besides, I thought we had an agreement that I could take care of you tonight, yes?”

Wilhemina’s brow furrowed, the need to top Mildred too intense for her to think of anything else. Until Mildred spoke again, her voice threading through the air, slicing through Wilhemina’s need like a knife. 

“Unless you were planning on breaking the rules, Ms. Venable?”

And now it was Wilhemina’s turn to smile, laughing sarcastically as Mildred pinched at her sides until she squirmed. 

“Mina,” she corrected over a giggle, biting down on her lip to keep from completely losing herself. 

Mildred smirked, cocking her head as she repeated Wilhemina’s words back to her. 

“You’re learning.” 

“Shut up and fuck me.”

Mildred quirked a brow. “Language.”

But Wilhemina was too desperate, reaching for her hands and pushing them down over her hips. 

“Now, Millie.”

And when Mildred smirked, nails pricking into Wilhemina’s tender skin there, something caught in Wilhemina’s chest. 

Her eyes were razor sharp, lips twitching from a smirk to a smile, back and forth and back and forth. And just when Wilhemina was starting to think she looked almost sickening, she spoke, leaning down and pressing their foreheads together. Just out of reach. Just a bit too far. 

“Oh now now, cinnamon. You know better than to rush me. I’m in charge tonight. That was the agreement. And I decide when you get my fingers. Understood?”

And Mina found herself nodding. 

She was rewarded with a delicate kiss to her lips. Not nearly deep enough and entirely too sweet. 

“Just so long as we’re both on the same page.” A moment, a breath spent staring into those predatory eyes. “Now why don’t you spread those pretty legs for me, hm?” 

~~~ 

Mildred combed her fingers through Wilhemina’s hair, laid out so beautifully across her, head in her lap, fingers tracing the bones of her ankles. 

Intimacy entangled.

“What did they do..?” Mildred breathed, running her fingers delicately over the morphed skin. A fleeting touch. 

Wilhemina drew a slow breath. Calculated. Shaking. “First it was the brace. Screwed in. Stretched.”

“And the appointments for the table?” Mildred asked, her own breath starting to tremble at the idea. 

Wilhemina nodded. “Yes.”

“How old were you?”

“Seven,” Wilhemina said softly, gasping as Mildred’s fingers tucked under a soft piece of her spine, bumping along the gaps in her vertebrae. 

“And it hurt.”

It wasn’t a question. She knew it had hurt. Especially on someone so young. So pliant and vulnerable. 

But Wilhemina didn’t answer, instead plowing ahead. “And then the surgery when I was thirteen.” 

Mildred flinched, the images flashing through her mind. She had seen the slides. She knew what they did. Sliced tendons and ligaments. And there was rarely any progress. 

“It didn’t work.” 

Again, not a question. And this time, as Wilhemina shook her head no, Mildred found what she was looking for. The scars from the screws. Spaced evenly apart, marred by scars from the surgery. Exactly where they should be. 

Wilhemina’s breaths stuttered as Mildred’s fingers slid over them, and she found her own breath speeding up at the thought of this woman on a table. So small. So scared. So cold. 

“And the tethers?” Mildred asked, running through the typical steps in her head. Trying to remember what she had learned in her training. 

But to her surprise, Wilhemina shook her head. She was panting now, and Mildred could feel her chest tightening in response as she trailed her fingers further down, where the spine corrected and compensated and bulged in the opposite direction. 

“Electroshock therapy.”

Wilhemina had barely spoken, barely whispered. But Mildred heard her, completely and solely focused on this poor, fragile, broken thing beneath her. And she couldn’t help the way her heart lodged in her throat. 

“W-Why?” she asked softly, her thumb brushing absently over a particularly bad scar. 

Wilhemina took a deep breath, fingers flexing in the sheets. “There was a time where they thought it would help. A misalignment of the neurotransmitters firing. Especially with younger patients. I was already through puberty. It wouldn’t have made a difference. But I was broken. They were desperate. I was the shame—“

“—shame of your family,” Mildred finished for her. And she surprised herself when a tear fell onto her cheek. A quick swipe of her thumb and it was gone, and she leaned down and pressed a small kiss at the very top of Wilhemina’s spine. “You’re not the only one.” 

Wilhemina shifted in her lap, fingers tracing Mildred’s knee as her breaths pulled long and shaky. As they slowed. 

Mildred closed her eyes, centering herself. “Did they do the final surgery? With the pins and the staples?” 

And she hated herself for how clinical it sounded when she asked. She wanted to be vulnerable. Wanted to be softer. For her. 

For her. 

But Wilhemina didn’t seem to mind, only shaking her head and sighing, her eyes fluttering closed. “I was pushed out of the house after the shock therapy didn’t work. And by the time I had earned enough of my own money to pay for the surgery, I was too old. It was too late.”

“It’s never too late,” Mildred tried, the motto ringing through her head. 

“But it was,” Wilhemina replied, her voice low and raspy. “Even if it would have worked, I was already an adult. I was already... who I was. And I didn’t know who I was without my disability. Without my cane. Without my past and my pain and my perseverance. I’m not myself without this. And I can’t fully be myself with it.”

Mildred hummed, shaking her head softly. Because she knew. Of course she knew. The more she spoke to Wilhemina, the more she was convinced that they were the same person. The same soul, split between two bodies. With the same wants and needs and desires. 

Her fingers skimmed down Wilhemina’s spine for what felt like the hundredth time, and suddenly she had this all-consuming need to memorize the exact shape of it. The exact way that it bulged and twisted and dipped. The exact way that this faulty thing kept this woman up and held her on her feet. 

Another kiss. A sigh. And then, fingers shaking as they pulled through Wilhemina’s hair, brushing it back from her face. 

“I know exactly what you mean.” 

“Stay with me,” Wilhemina breathed, pressing a soft kiss to the inside of Mildred’s thigh. And Mildred’s fingers stuttered in her hair as another tear fell, unbidden, onto her cheek. 

Because she wanted to. She was pulled tight to this woman, an anomaly of existence, the very piece of her that she had always felt was missing, that she had always been searching for. 

But she could never be so irresponsible to leave her home and leave her work and settle in with a woman that she had only known for two days. 

“Stupid, idiotic girl. Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

Could she? 

~~~ 

She had said no. And Wilhemina had broken right there, exposed and entirely too vulnerable, in her lap. 

She had cried herself to sleep that night, curled against Mildred as she cooed and shushed her and stroked delicate fingers through her hair. 

And when she woke in the morning, filled with the smell of Mildred and the feel of Mildred and the taste of Mildred still on her tongue, everything seemed a bit grey. 

They made breakfast, speaking politely and laughing occasionally. Always broken, always half-formed. Got dressed and ready for the day, separately. Dolled themselves up in different types of armor—pantyhose, gloves, skirts, glasses. 

And then Mildred left. 

And then, she came back. 

It was like the universe couldn’t fathom them being apart, a rip torn through their plane of existence when Mildred boarded her train and went back home, clear across the country. 

Wilhemina hadn’t gone with her to the station, but she could feel when she left the city, when she left the state. It was a series of ties being broken, strings snapping in her chest as each one was pulled to breaking and eventually gave out. 

Except the last one. The one that left a buzzing in Wilhemina’s ear, a ringing every time her cane tapped down that sounded so awfully close to the way Mildred sighed just as she was about to orgasm. The way she hummed, barely audible, when they kissed. 

That tie remained. And one day, almost three months later, it got hotter. 

Wilhemina had been making dinner, listening to the television drone on as she stirred her pasta in the pot, when her chest warmed. It was so sudden and so all-consuming that she almost dropped her tongs, Mildred’s name pounding through her head on a loop. 

She had known what was coming before it did. She could sense her presence. Could practically see her smoothing down her skirt and running a finger over the brim of her hat as she walked up Wilhemina’s drive. 

But the knock on the door — soft, three times — had still made Wilhemina jump, a lump of emotion lodging in her throat as she grabbed for her cane and walked slowly to the front door. 

She knew it was her. Deep down, she knew it in her soul. They were tied together, whether Wilhemina liked it or not. But there was still that tiny, nagging voice in the back of her mind that told her not to get her hopes up. That wishing only led to disappointment. 

Until she opened the door, heart pounding, and saw Mildred Ratched standing perfectly straight on her doorstep, a singular suitcase in hand. 

“Millie,” Wilhemina breathed, like she needed confirmation. Like she was seeing a ghost. 

Mildred swallowed, the smallest of smiles pushing at her lips. 

“I was transferred to an institution not far from here,” she said softly, pointing absently behind her before ducking her head against her blush. 

But Wilhemina caught it. She caught everything with this masterpiece. 

“I couldn’t stand the thought of living in this city and...” She cleared her throat, fingers fidgeting with the handle of her suitcase. “And being apart from you.”

And just as Wilhemina glanced past her at the taxi sitting idle in the street, Mildred looked up, eyes glassy and almost vibrating with emotion. 

“Does your offer still stand?”

Wilhemina had to physically bite the inside of her cheek to keep tears from her eyes, her fingers itching and playing on the top of her cane accordingly. 

“Are the rest of your bags in the taxi?” Wilhemina asked, trying not to focus on the way Mildred’s chin was trembling. Trying not to hear the pounding in her head to kiss her. 

Mildred nodded, and then Wilhemina was moving past her. A gloved hand skimmed over Wilhemina’s shoulder as she passed, just fleeting enough to be a tap.

“I haven’t paid the driver yet, I—“

But Wilhemina turned, and the angle was exactly like the first time she had walked past her in that stuffy university. But this time, the setting sun was glinting off of Mildred’s hair and there was a hope in her eyes, an intimacy that had Wilhemina’s hand tightening on her cane to keep her balance. 

“You go inside,” she started, swallowing against the dryness in her throat. “Make yourself comfortable, set your things down. I’ll retrieve the rest of your bags and take care of the cab fare.” 

It’s the least I can do, for him bringing you back to me.

Not even five minutes later, Mildred’s luggage was stacked in the foyer and the cab was driving away as Wilhemina stalked back up the short walk to her door. 

She had expected Mildred to be sitting at the dining table, or putting her things in the bedroom. But to her surprise, when she closed the door, locked it safely behind her, and turned, Mildred was standing in the middle of her entryway, still holding tight to her suitcase and watching Wilhemina with sharp eyes. 

Wilhemina tapped her cane, swallowing, and she didn’t miss the way Mildred’s eyes flicked to it. 

And then, just like that, Mildred dropped her suitcase and practically ran to Wilhemina, gloved hands pulling her face down, pulling their mouths together.

Wilhemina let herself moan, tears instantly pricking her eyes at the memory of how good this felt. How right. And then Mildred’s hands were on her waist and she was pushing her back against the door. Hard. 

“I missed you so much, Mina,” she breathed between kisses, peppering them over Wilhemina’s cheeks and down her jaw. 

And then the tears did fall, because she had missed Mildred, too. So, incredibly much. More than she would have missed the air she breathed, the food she ate. More than she had ever missed anyone or anything in her entire life. 

Her soul had been ripped from her, torn away and shipped off across the country. And now it was back, and with every kiss, they sewed themselves back together. 

Stitch by stitch. Piece by piece. 

~~~ 

She crowned herself with her nurse’s hat, pinning her hair back carefully around it and buttoning it up in the back. Wilhemina watched her. Watched the way she stood a bit straighter. Watched the way her feet came together and she shifted her weight, perfectly even. Perfectly level. 

Wilhemina walked over, drawn to her like a magnet. And her cane clicked as she went, tapping down beside her and forcing a smirk to curl Mildred’s lips as she glanced at Wilhemina in the mirror. 

She walked right up to her, snaking an arm around her waist and pulling Mildred back against her chest as her mouth found her ear. 

“You look impeccable, darling.”

Mildred quirked a brow, eyes like daggers as they bored into Wilhemina from the mirror. She hummed. 

“Almost good enough to eat.” Wilhemina pressed a kiss to her jaw, letting her eyes rake over Mildred’s perfect neck, the way it quivered as she swallowed, the shine of her hair pulled up in impeccable fashion just above her collar. She fingered the fabric there, letting her nails scrape over the soft skin just below her ear. 

“Why don’t you take a bite, hm?” Mildred’s voice caught as Wilhemina’s nail pricked against her pulse point, and when she spoke again it was low, raspy. Dangerous. “See what happens.”

Wilhemina growled, leaning forward and tugging her earlobe between her teeth. She pulled Mildred flush against her, hand splaying out on her stomach. And Mildred gasped as her fingers found Wilhemina’s thigh, nails piercing the fabric. Wilhemina felt her swallow down a moan, tense, stutter. And then there was a long breath and a shaky sigh, and the nails in Wilhemina’s leg retracted as Mildred pulled away. 

“I can’t be late for my first day of work, dear.” 

She brushed down her dress, straightening out that perfectly pinned crown and putting the finishing touches on her hair. 

And then, before Wilhemina could blink, Mildred wrapped her slender fingers around her tie and pulled her forward, dragging her out of the bedroom and through the house to the front door. 

A disapproving tap of her cane, a small frown, and then Mildred had her purse and pressed a soft kiss to Wilhemina’s cheek, skirting out the door with a dark, “See you tonight, cinnamon.” 

And she almost felt like it was a threat. 

~~~ 

Wilhemina had never known love. 

She had told Mildred flat out over dinner one night when traumas and pasts and fears were all laid bare on the table. 

Mildred was different. She had known it and lost it. Seen people shattered beyond repair because of it. And she had put up those brick and mortar walls around her heart so that she couldn’t feel that kind of sadness ever again. 

Yet somehow, every night that she came home to Wilhemina’s arms and her small smile and her absolute and complete honesty, she felt those walls start to fall. Little by little, brick by brick. And every morning when she awoke in her lover’s arms, after breakfasts shared and dressed zipped and buttoned, she had to rebuild it. Fortify herself for the world that lay just outside their door. The evil of it. The hurt. 

It became all-consuming, this uneasy thought of love. It permeated every minute of her waking day, and haunted her dreams like some sort of cruel, intangible thing. But she always woke in Wilhemina’s arms. Safe and protected and entirely too vulnerable. 

And one day, one tiny day that should have been absolutely nothing, Mildred was so consumed with the inkling of possibility of falling entirely too hard in love with Wilhemina, and what that meant for her future in this world, that she lost herself. Faltered, for a moment. Had to do up the buttons of her uniform twice before getting them to align. And forgot her lunch as she grabbed her purse and walked out the door. 

~~~ 

It wasn’t unusual for Mildred to leave for work before Wilhemina did. It wasn’t unusual that she left for work before Wilhemina was even awake and out of bed. 

At first it had scared Wilhemina, waking up alone and cold in a bed that had been so comforting and warm just hours before. Abandoned. Forgotten. 

But Mildred had only been in the kitchen, cracking her eggs with such precision that Wilhemina had almost decided right then and there never to touch another egg again. 

It just so happened that Mildred’s mornings got earlier just as Wilhemina’s nights got longer, the flex and pull of their schedules only crossing at certain points. A whirlwind of a double helix in flux. 

Those days, Mildred would slip out of bed so quietly that Wilhemina wouldn’t even notice, usually awoken by the inevitable cold of an empty bed, rather than some sound from the bathroom or clattering from the kitchen. 

Today had been no different. Today had been routine. Until Wilhemina opened the refrigerator almost three hours after Mildred had gone, only to find her lunch sitting packed and abandoned on the second shelf. 

It wasn’t even a thought, the decision to take it to her. Just an action. The institution was on her way to work — well, almost on her way — and Wilhemina was already running early. It was nothing. 

Until it wasn’t. 

Wilhemina picked through the patients that crowded the common room, pursing her lips against the disgusted expression that was forming against her will. She stepped carefully, cane tapping lightly as she watched where she was going. The facility was impeccable, but this space, so unlike the hall, belonged to the patients. Not the nurses. Blankets were left forgotten on the ground, and shoes had been kicked off. And Wilhemina was just uncomfortable enough to worry about losing her footing. 

She made it all the way to the other side of the room, coming up on a window like a sanctuary, before she realized that Mildred wasn’t here. 

But just as the thought crossed her mind and she leaned forward to peer outside, Wilhemina heard her. 

It was easy enough. The rooms were lavish, but mostly tile, and Mildred’s voice tended to carry, no matter how soft. But right now, it was hard. Harder than Wilhemina had ever heard it. 

“I don’t care if he won’t take it, he needs it. If he doesn’t take his medicine, then not only will it put everyone else here at risk, but how soon can we expect them all to start refusing their medication? They need it, Betsy. They don’t know what is good for them. We know what is best.”

Wilhemina turned from the window, Mildred’s lunch clutched between gloved fingers. And Mildred must have noticed the movement, because she looked up. But just as Wilhemina let her guard down and offered a small smile, fingers twitching in a half wave, Mildred’s face melted, something like humiliation flushing through her perfect complexion as she marched straight to Wilhemina. 

Shit. 

“What on earth do you think you’re doing here?” Mildred whispered, gripping her fingers into Wilhemina’s elbow and pulling her back across the room to the nurse’s station. 

“You forgot your lunch,” Wilhemina tried, keeping her voice down. Because somehow this was what wasn’t allowed. This was what was compromising. 

A lunch. 

Mildred’s humiliation shifted to horror, glancing for maybe the first time down at Wilhemina’s hands. 

“You can’t be serious.” 

“I don’t understand what the issue is, Nurse Ratched.” Wilhemina made sure to drag out her title. Just a bit too loud. Because she couldn’t seriously be upset with her for trying to be kind. For trying to do the right thing. She couldn’t possibly— 

Mildred’s eyes narrowed before she glanced behind her. And when she spoke, it was through gritted teeth. 

“Go set that down over there.” She indicated to a desk in the corner of the room. “And then go back to work before you screw something else up.”

A flat laugh fell out of Wilhemina almost before she could help it, fingers tightening on the bagged lunch. And before she knew what she was doing, she had shoved it into Mildred’s hands, leaning in impossibly close as she growled.

“Go set it down yourself.” She tapped her cane, too hard. Too loud. A few of the patients covered their ears. “You can be certain that this is the last time I ever do you any favors. Do you understand?”

Mildred’s nostrils flared, and her fingers twitched over the bag. “I didn’t ask for your help.”

And then Wilhemina straightened, nose twitching as she quirked her brow. “And let’s hope you never need it again.”

And then she was gone, breezing past Mildred before she said something else and the tears sticking in Wilhemina’s throat pushed up and fell. 

She heard the bag crunch as she hit her cane on the floor, propelling herself forward, one step after the other, closer and closer to the exit. And she hated the way she hoped for Mildred’s voice to ring out, to call her back. 

She almost looked back over her shoulder, a moment of weakness that she couldn’t afford. So she ducked her head instead, plowing ahead and storming down the hallway. Out the doors. All the way down the stairs to the street. 

She fumed in the taxi, fumed all the way to her desk. Fumed for the next nine and a half hours that she sat at work, fingers picking at her typewriter as she swiveled back and forth in her chair, digging and twisting her cane into the weak wood floors as she ran over arguments and words to spit at her Mildred. Her Mildred. Nurse Ratched. 

They weren’t the same woman. But neither was she. How could she be? 

By the time Jefferson came to get her, going over final plans for the next day and collecting her paperwork, she had dug a nice little dent into the floor. 

Small, deep. A bullet hole kneaded slowly and steadily. Just like the one Mildred’s words had worn into her heart. 

~~~ 

“You wouldn’t like it if I showed up at your place of work without warning, would you?” Mildred’s voice was steady, arms crossed over her chest. 

“Don’t—“ 

“Would you?” 

Wilhemina’s cane hit the ground. “Stop that. Don’t treat me like you treat them. Don’t talk to me like that.”

“Like what? I’m just asking a simple question. The answer is either yes, or no.”

“Mildred, stop shrinking me.”

“You think I’m trying to control you?”

“No,” Wilhemina growled, stalking over to her as the last of her patience wore through. “I know you’re trying to control me. And you know that that’s not how this relationship works.” 

She bent over Mildred, practically panting, and Mildred was shocked when a pang of regret shot through her. But then something hardened, because no. Wilhemina didn’t get to win this one. She had come to her office out of the blue. Could have exposed them. Put them both in danger. 

Because Mildred had been careless. Forgotten her lunch. All for being so consumed with the idea of—

Mildred tipped her chin up, eyes hard as they met Wilhemina’s fiery ones. She stood her ground. 

“Apologize.”

Wilhemina set her jaw. “No.”

She leaned up on her toes, leveling their height. “Apologize.”

Wilhemina shook her head slowly, eyes narrowing as her nose twitched. As her jaw set. 

And then there were hands on Mildred’s shoulders and Wilhemina’s mouth was on hers, hard and fast and furious as she pushed her back, back, back, slamming her hard against the wall. 

“Fuck,” Mildred hissed, and then Mina broke from her, mouth on her ear as she purred. 

“Language.” 

She scoffed, shoving at her, needing her off of her so that she could breathe. Think. Because when her hands were on her like this, and she was breathing like this, quick and ragged and right behind her ear, Mildred’s mind only comprehended one thing. 

“Mina,” she tried, nails digging in as Wilhemina pulled her off the wall for a split second, only to throw her back against it again. She cried out, something hard knotting over her heart. 

So this was how it was going to be? Fine. 

Mildred lunged forward, kissing Wilhemina sloppily, desperately. Any way she could hold on to some semblance of control. 

And she gasped, just as Mildred knew she would. So she took the opening, gripping hard into her waist and pushing her off, before her nails raked down Wilhemina’s arm and her fingers closed around her wrist. 

Mildred pulled, yanking Wilhemina after her, across the living room, around the sofa. Down the short hallway, pulling harder every time Wilhemina tried to plant her feet. Until she threw her into the bedroom, Mina practically spinning around and pinning Mildred against the wall, the door jam digging into her spine. 

She cried out, hands flying to Wilhemina’s shoulders. Clawing at her. Grappling for something to hold her down and hold her steady so she could get her advantage back. 

“You’re so fucking infuriating,” Wilhemina growled, biting hard on Mildred’s neck. But no. She didn’t get to win. 

So she pushed, hard, and sent Mina stumbling back. And Mildred was right there, stalking after her and shoving again, and this time, when Wilhemina stumbled, she landed hard on the bed. 

Mildred was over her in seconds, panting as she crushed her mouth back against Wilhemina’s, tongues fighting as their teeth clashed. Her fingers found buttons and she yanked, the rip cutting through the room. 

She didn’t even wait for Wilhemina to shrug the shirt off, fingers already dug into the waistband of her skirt and rucking it down, down, down. 

She got it down around her ankles, but as she braced herself on Mina’s knees and pulled herself back up, Wilhemina’s hand found her chin, pulling her in for a bruising kiss and holding her firm as her free hand flicked open the buttons on her shirt, one by one, so fast it should have been impossible. 

“Get your shirt off,” Mildred panted, hands scrambling to find purchase on Mina as she crawled up on the bed and straddled her. 

But Mina pulled back, a smirk like death making her eyes go black. 

“Ladies first.” 

And that was the last straw. Mildred’s patience had already been tested from the ordeal this morning, amplified by the unexpectedness of Wilhemina showing up at her work. That stupid, thoughtful way she brought her the forgotten lunch. The tiny wave. Like she cared. Like she—

Mildred growled, practically a scream as she grabbed Wilhemina’s shoulders and shoved her down until she was swallowed by the mattress. Splayed a hand out over her chest to keep her pinned. Keep her down. 

She could feel Mina’s heart hammering, could feel how fast she was panting. Gasping. 

Nails clawed at her arm, dragging down as Mildred cried out. There would be blood soon. She knew that feeling. 

But then Wilhemina pulled her hand from her chest, twining their fingers hard and pressing hot, wet, quick kisses down over the already reddening marks. Yanked her fingers back. Licked. Right over her palm. 

Mildred moaned, the feeling going straight to her core, and then her hands were in Wilhemina’s hair and she was pulling her neck taunt to get better access. So she could bite and suck and mark her for everyone to see. 

She sat up on her knees, gaining leverage. And Mina’s hands were on her ass in an instant, kneading. Hard. 

“Logic would imply that I shouldn’t let you touch me until you apologize,” Mildred managed, back to base form as she leaned into Mina’s hands. As she moaned into her neck. 

Her teeth dug into a particularly sensitive spot, pinching the already flushed skin. And just as Mina gasped, just as she thought she’d won, Mina’s hands fell to her thighs, the world spun, and she was on her back. And Mina’s hand was wrapped tight around her throat. 

“No more talking,” she growled, her free hand scraping roughly down Mildred’s stomach, under the band of her skirt, and straight between her thighs. 

“Fuck, Mina,” Mildred gasped, the words melting into a groan as her thumb slid over her underwear. 

Wilhemina shoved her further into the bed, fingers tightening. And Mildred’s vision blurred at the edges as she gasped for breath. 

Perfect. Delicious. Exactly what she wanted. 

No talking. Only feeling. Only Wilhemina. 

But then Mina spoke, voice hot by her ear. 

“I said no talking. I don’t want another word out of you until you’re ready to apologize.”

She pushed her underwear aside on the last word, slipping two fingers easily inside. Mildred cried out, hands grabbing for the arm braced on her throat and holding on tight as her hips started rocking of their own accord. 

“Apologize for what,” she panted, eyes screwing shut as Mina curled her fingers. 

A flat laugh. A squeeze to her throat. Heat pooling between her thighs. 

“For making an entire scene just because I brought you your lunch. Because I took time out of my day to make sure you were taken care of.”

Mildred was slammed back into the mattress again. 

“What does your logic say about that, Nurse Ratched?”

There were tears pricking at Mildred’s eyes now, because she wouldn’t break. She wouldn’t. But Wilhemina’s fingers picked up their pace, and then her mouth was on hers, and Mildred knew exactly what was coming. 

Mina bit down on her lip. Hard. Yanked at it, pulling until Mildred whimpered. 

“Apologize,” she growled, fingers twisting and curling and nails pricking against Mildred’s throat. 

Mildred barely had the competence to shake her head no, but she managed it. Because as loud as her body was screaming with a need for more, for so much more of this woman, her brain wouldn’t let her. 

The rational part of Mildred’s brain kept the words stuck down in her throat, pounding that she didn’t need to say them. That this wasn’t her fault. That she had only been protecting herself. But the sentimental part kept pushing them back up again, harder and harder the longer Mildred stared at Wilhemina, eyes dark and predatory and so filled with hurt. 

“I’m not letting you come until you apologize,” Wilhemina scolded, nails scratching over Mildred’s throat as her fingers moved faster, harder. Her thumb brushed over her clit. 

Mildred sobbed, entire body vibrating with the beg for release. 

It almost felt like she was choking, the way she was swallowing the words down, only for them to get stuck again. Suffocate her. 

Wilhemina shook her head softly, holding Mildred’s eye contact like a lifeline as the smallest smile graced her lips. An angel above her. Salvation. 

And that was it. Mildred broke for the millionth time with this woman, relinquishing control. 

Letting go. 

Her orgasm hit her without Mina’s permission, shaking through her body and sending lightning down her spine. And the words were pulled from her just before her vision went black, hands twisting on Mina’s arm and toes curling hard in the sheets. 

“I lo-ove you.” 

She didn’t realize that she hadn’t apologized, the wrong words coming out of her, until she blinked her vision back and saw Wilhemina’s wide eyes, clarity piercing through whatever hurt and determination had been there just moments before. 

And then Mildred realized why the words had burned so hot in her throat. It wasn’t an apology. It was the truth. The reason. The explanation of why she had behaved the way she did and why she had lashed out. Why she had felt so scared and vulnerable that she couldn’t emotionally handle seeing Wilhemina somewhere she didn’t expect her. 

She wanted to apologize then, wanted to take them back. Because she had let herself slip. Again. And all it seemed to be doing was causing more trouble. She wasn’t tampering anything down, she was spinning the world further and further out of control. Unthreading her reality and watching the picture unravel before her eyes. 

“How do you always seem to mess everything up?”

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—“

“Everything you touch turns to dust. How is that even possible? You should win some sort of prize for screwing this many things up. I swear.”

Wilhemina’s hand over hers brought her back, the air deathly still as Mildred’s voice rang off the walls. Over and over and over. 

She met Wilhemina’s eyes, heart still hammering in her chest as she fought to regulate her breathing. To calm herself down. It had always been so easy. Why was it so difficult now? 

“Does that scare you...?” Mina asked softly, shifting over her as her gaze burned through Mildred. 

Before she knew what she was doing, she nodded. Because it did. She did.

And Wilhemina matched her, nodding in time. “It scares me, too.” 

At that she did apologize, a soft “I’m sorry” falling from her lips in a last desperate attempt to calm the situation. To salvage the last piece of anything. To pull control back down over herself. 

But Wilhemina only shook her head, a softness in her eyes that Mildred had never seen before. 

“Don’t apologize.” 

And then that heavy silence. So familiar. So comfortable. Give their souls space. Let them figure it out. 

The words would come when they were ready. 

Wilhemina sniffed, tracing her thumb over Mildred’s cheek. “Do you remember when I told you that I had never known love?” 

And Mildred nodded again, finding herself unable to do anything else with the way Mina was staring at her. Eyes glittering. Galaxies. 

“I’m not sure that’s true anymore,” she whispered, gaze falling to Mildred’s mouth. Across the ages and spaces and miles between them. It could only have been inches now. “I don’t think it’s been true for a while.” 

Mildred let the words swim around her, furnishing her sanctuary here, pressed into a bed underneath Wilhemina. Locked in orbit, pulled in tight and unable to do anything but stare. 

She startled as a tear fell onto her cheek, swiping at it quickly as she sniffed. Came back to the present. The room fell back into place. 

And then her world, her life, her eternity, her Wilhemina kissed her. 

“My beautiful Millie,” she murmured, kissing her until she couldn’t breathe. Until the world swam again, this time for a completely different reason, happiness and joy threading through her and pouring like stardust in her veins. 

“Yours.” 

~~~ 

“Shall we?” 

Mildred threaded her arm through Wilhemina’s, pushing her hair up and letting her fingers ghost over the rim of her hat. 

“I’d love nothing more, Ms. Venable.” 

And the way that they walked together, their steps perfectly in time, Wilhemina’s cane tapping as she moved forward steadily, one foot after the other, matched with Mildred’s calculated walk, the way her feet barely crossed and she was almost pigeon-toed, like she was strutting down a runway. 

It should have been illegal, just after the war. It should have been frowned upon. But the power that flowed off of them when they were arm in arm like this, the way Mildred’s heart swelled and her chin tipped up and she managed to physically look down on everyone in her path, had people scattering like rats as their heels clicked along the tile. 

And the entire night, everyone at Wilhemina’s office party steered more than clear of them. Hushed whispers behind their backs had Wilhemina’s hands skirting just a bit too far down Mildred’s hips as she took small sips of her champagne, setting her gloved fingers itching and her thighs pressing together under her perfectly asymmetrical skirt. 

And Mildred made it a point to turn her head, just so, and whisper in Wilhemina’s ear whenever she was mid-conversation with her coworkers. Sometimes it was nothing. Sometimes it was filthy. 

But either way, she knew just the breath on Wilhemina’s ear was enough to make her pulse run a bit quicker. 

And sure enough, before dinner was even served, Wilhemina had made some sort of excuse and the two of them were running from the taxi, through the rain, and huddling together on the porch as Mina dug for her key. 

That night was her favorite night. 

Both of them soaked to the bone, sharing over-poured glasses of wine, half-dressed and drying out in front of the fireplace. 

And when Wilhemina gave her that smile, that particularly fond smile where her cheeks pushed up and her eyes softened, Mildred pushed her tongue into her cheek, fighting her own grin. 

They kissed until the fire burnt out, embers barely flickering in the black room. And just as the last of the light died, Mildred and Wilhemina sticky and naked and curled together on the floor, Wilhemina made to get up. 

Mildred’s hand on her arm stopped her, and she snuggled further against her to keep her still. 

“No light tonight,” she said softly. And she meant it. 

She wasn’t frightened. Not now. Not anymore. 

“Millie?” 

And Mildred let herself smile as she nodded. Because she had never been more certain of anything than she was of loving Wilhemina in this moment, and of letting herself be loved in return. Letting herself go. 

The world wasn’t logical. The world wasn’t ordered. Not when it came to her. Wilhemina had come in and spun her right out of control. And she kept doing it. Over and over again. Like it was a game. 

Maybe it was. 

And as Mildred leaned forward, capturing Mina’s lips in a languid kiss and humming contentedly, she realized that she was absolutely fine losing, if it meant that she got to have this. 

Tag List: @shineestark​ @duchessfics​ @darling-dontforgetme​ @midnight-lestrange​ @nerdaroo​ @thatgirlintheleatherjacket​

[lachemisenoire]

I’m kind of upset at how dirty they did Sharon??? Like I almost wish they didn’t tell us she was in the show because at least I wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. I knew any kind of shipping with either Bucky or Sam was pretty much clownery, but I hoped she would get to have more interaction with them. Like we haven’t seen anything from her and the little bits we’ve gotten just hint at her being a villain??? Which isn’t any different from the treatment she got in the movies...

Well... idk how popular this will be with other Sharon fans, but tbh, the amount of screentime she’s got so far is pretty much what I expected, from the promos we got and what Kari and Malcolm inferred from interviews.

Reason being a) Emily had other filming obligations b) the pandemic, I think, really screwed the actors over to the end, so any post-production shots or filming may have been tossed aside. It’s also possible that she had more scenes related to the bioweapon storyline that was scrapped. Even Darcy Lewis mysteriously disappeared in the WandaVision finale - I think again the virus affected that show’s production too. 

I also had zero expectations shipping-wise, because I doubt the producers were going to risk putting Sharon in another potential romance after how badly Staron was received. In addition, Emily may not have agreed to come back if that were the case. As for what may be in store for the character’s future, I can’t say I have a single clue. 

In addition to the above, I think we need to keep in mind that this show’s main character is a Black man dealing with the implications of picking up the shield and becoming Captain America. They’ve delivered really well on that front and it’s a pretty big deal that Disney/Marvel actually went as far as they did and explored these issues. 

So please, no matter how disappointed we may be as Sharon fans, let’s not trash the show unnecessarily because what they’ve done well, they’ve done really well, and tackled some really important stuff here. 

What I am dreading: Sharon becoming a villain. Like, there’s quite a big part of me that says she’s just a red herring, but my personal worst-case scenario is that a) she’s the Power Broker b) she’ll somehow get her pardon but secretly she’s working for Val in the background, and the show will end like that, with the MCU having reinvented her as a villain.

What I am hoping: All this was just laying the groundwork for Sharon to play a bigger role in future Marvel movies or shows, and hopefully, if FATWS gets a second season, she’ll return and have a bigger part to play. 

Probably not the answer you were hoping for anon, but I like to keep things realistic and balanced. I hope I explained myself well!

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I Thought About “Enchanted Grom Fright”

Salutations random people of the internet who probably won't read this. I am an Ordinary Shmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

When I started doing reviews, I told myself to stay limited to specials, movies, seasons, and even entire T.V. shows. I didn't want to do reviews for regular episodes of a show, mostly because there wouldn't be enough to talk about in a single post. For me, an episode has to either be astounding enough or important enough to warrant a review. And low and behold, The Owl House did just that with the episode "Enchanting Grom Fright." Keep in mind that I am going to be spoiling everything that happens in this episode. So if you somehow haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend that you do so. And if you haven't seen The Owl House yet...what the hell is wrong with you?

With that out of the way, let's get started with-

WHAT I LIKE

Luz independently looking for new glyphs: This scene is excellent for two reasons. Reason number one: It shows how dedicated Luz is to learning magic. So far, we have yet to see Hexide teach Luz anything regarding her unique way of doing magic. This is why it's great to see Luz try to find glyphs on her own so she can at least attempt to catch up with everyone else. There's also the implication that it's not an easy task for her, given the multiple crumpled up pieces of paper, which must have been failed attempts to make the plant glyph. This scene adds continuity from "Adventures of the Elements" as well, proving that Luz had learned her lesson in said episode. As for reason number two for why this scene is excellent: It sets up how Luz and Amity defeat Grom. Luz could have used her other two glyphs to destroy Grom, but doing so would take away some neat symbolism with the tree that was grown (more on that later). Therefore, Luz finding the plant glyph was a great set up with a proper pay off. Which is what I love about The Owl House. It takes things you wouldn't think twice about and actually makes something beautiful. Case in point: A 'Grom Night' poster was shown in a previous episode, hinting to the glory that is this episode.

Luz barely texting her mom back: I like this because it finally addresses Luz's conflictions for lying to her mom (Something I may or may not have toyed around with https://archiveofourown.org/works/23321692/chapters/55864000). These scenes present moments of how Luz isn't always the happy go lucky teen that she is. And I like that because it adds layers to a character who is already engaging enough.

That Gromposal: I made a post of all the things Disney has approved of before approving Lumity. I guess you can add to the list a character presenting an anatomically correctly drawn heart with the word 'Grom' written in what I can only assume is blood!

(Jokes aside, I legitimately like the dark humor in this scene, as well as Skara saying yes to the poor boy. It was adorable, damn it!)

Amity’s hostility swapped with being friendly: Here's a nice bit of character development for ya! It's just a few seconds, but those seconds show how far Amity has come since episode FIVE! Which is why Amity is one of the best characters in the show. Her development is so impressive that it's legitimately jarring to compare the Amity who was angry to see Luz, to the Amity who immediately apologizes, to Luz. But she still has years of conditioning from her parents to deal with, so of course, Amity's first instinct is to bare her fangs. And I'm more than positive that that instinct is going to leave her pretty soon.

Eda: While we're on the topic of great characters, let's take a moment to talk about Eda in this episode, shall we? Eda, throughout "Enchanted Grom Fright," has fully embraced her role as a maternal figure for Luz. The way Eda attempts to warn Luz about the dangers of Grom is a testament to how much Eda truly cares about 'her human.' And it's not like Eda doesn't acknowledge Luz's efforts at survival. She knows Luz can take care of herself, but that won't stop Eda from drawing the line when she knows Luz is in over her head. The best part is that when Luz admits that she was wrong, Eda doesn't respond with anger or even with a smug "I told you so." Instead, Eda's reaction is calm and nurturing. A response that Luz needed at that moment. It's sweet and genuinely heartwarming to see.

(And I love how Eda constantly admires her own beauty throughout the episode. Which is something I'm sure most fans can relate to.)

Luz and Amity’s talk in the forest: There is a lot to love about this exchange, due to how adorable it is. So here's a quick list: The clearly romantic music playing in the background. The way Amity slipped in the mud and was inches away from accidentally kissing Luz when getting pulled up. The fact that Luz sits down into the mud so as not to make Amity feel self-conscious about being filthy. Luz's sweet, sincere, and instant "I would" when responding to Amity wondering who would take her place as Grom Queen. The fact that Amity was surprised that someone would be willing to take her place in the first place. The payoff to Luz learning that she really did have a spider on the back of her head (Alright, that one wasn’t adorable, but it was definitely hilarious!).

Amity “destroying” Hooty: While I do enjoy seeing Amity act all sweet and gushy, I will admit that feisty Amity is still best Amity. Plus, this scene was remarkably funny.

Training Luz for Grom: This scene was a fantastic showcase for each of the Blight siblings. Now, because I've talked a lot about Amity (and will continue to do so), I want to start talking about Edric and Emira first. When first introduced to Ed and Em, my initial reaction was that they were meanspirited versions of the Weasley Twins from Harry Potter. Sure, Fred and George are known to cause mischief, but they do realize that there's a line you don't cross when it comes to family. That is something that Ed and Em ignored during their debut episode, where they tried to reveal Amity's diary to the world. Luckily, the writers picked up on this quick and made a subtle detour in terms of Ed and Em's personalities. They're actually decent supporting characters, and it's legitimately sweet with how they willingly help Luz. As for Amity, it's great to see that she still takes things seriously despite crushing on Luz. Most shows fall into the trap of making characters a nervous wreck when around their crushes. And while Amity does have those moments, there are still scenes like this that prove she isn't just some smitten kitten-and I hate myself for saying that. Amity is the voice of reason to her and Luz's relationship. And I'm glad that the writers mostly focus on that aspect of her personality rather than write her off as a flustered girl with a crush.

Those boys dancing together: While it's nice to see Luz and Amity's relationship blossom, that doesn't mean we should sleep on great representation such as this. While it's great to see so many romantic pairings between females in the last few years, it's rare to see two boys liking each other, especially in animation. Sure, male pairings exist, but I haven't seen them as celebrated as often as female ones. This is why it's nice to see that The Owl House crew sprinkled in these two boys dancing with each other. Representation matters for everyone, and this little acknowledgment is something worth mentioning, even if it isn't the main ship.

The hallway scene: But let's face it, this is what we came to see. Now when you think about it, there's nothing all that special with this scene. It's a typical romantic moment with a heart to heart discussion followed with witty banter, all while a romantic melody is playing in the background. You see this in multiple types of media, especially in Disney cartoons. The only difference is that this scene features a same-sex pairing and that what makes it amazing. It's essentially normalizing something that has been seen as inappropriate for years. And the fact that Disney of all companies is the one that greenlit a scene like this? That just makes this moment all the more impressive. Plus, I mean, c'mon. You have to have a will of iron not to think these dorks are adorable with this little exchange.

Splash zone: There's not much to talk about or analyze here. I just think the dark humor of a kid waiting in the 'splash zone' is funny. Because what does the splash zone get used for? Grom? The fighter? I don't know, but the fact that a splash zone exists for either of those reasons is what gets a chuckle out of me.

Skara and her date getting hyped for Grom fight: That's it. Skara is officially the best background character. I'm sorry, but a character earns that title when they immediately switch from wanting to kiss their date to "WHOO! BRING ON THE GORE!" 

I don't make the rules. I just abide by them.

Luz’s greatest fear: This is something fans could have seen coming due to rewatching and reanalyzing the promo that dropped a little over a month ago. But for fans who ignored the promo, the episode did a great job of setting up this reveal. From the two times that Luz practically ignored her mother's texts, it can be pretty clear that Luz's fear would be something involving Camilia. However, before the episode premiered, everyone jumped on the idea that Luz's greatest fear would be Camilia forcing Luz to come back home. Instead, the scene portrays Luz's greatest fear as her mother's negative response to Luz lying for weeks. That idea is much more interesting to me because it reveals how much Luz cares so much about what her mother thinks of Luz. And unlike Amity with her parents, Luz's fears are much more justified due to Camilia actually being a good mother. A mother who planned to send her daughter away to summer camp, sure, but still a mother who would do that type of thing out of love rather than to protect an image. Which makes me hope to see more of Camilia in the future, just to witness the mother/daughter relationship she has with Luz. Because honestly, it feels like I've been working triple time with portraying that relationship myself.

Amity’s greatest fear: Ah yes, the one thing none of us could have predicted...ok, that's not true. Some of us did predict this, but most of us didn't take those predictions seriously. And BOY, were we wrong to do so. Because the idea that Amity's greatest fear is being rejected by Luz is both sad, yet kind of adorable. It proves just how much Amity has come to care for the same human she nearly got dissected, in episode THREE. It's a nice bit of character growth that I just can't help but gush over how sweet it is. But again, it's also depressing knowing that Amity is afraid by being rejected by Luz of all people. Luz! The girl who's sweeter than honey and would absolutely let Amity down gently if Luz didn't feel the same way (Which she does. She just doesn't realize it yet.). What's even more interesting is that it makes so much sense as to why Amity is more afraid of showing her fear to the school. Not only would Grom reveal that Amity has feelings for Luz, but it also has the problem of outing Amity as a lesbian, presumably long before she's ready. And seeing how her parents reacted to Amity's friendship with Willow, imagine what would happen if word got out that Amity had a crush on a human girl. Yeah, let's just say that Amity must be really grateful that Grom morphed into a vague, shadowy figure.

(Speaking of, can we PLEASE calling Luz oblivious for not knowing that Grom morphed into her? Yes, to us, it's painfully apparent who Grom was supposed to be. But it also looks vague enough to the point where it isn't unbelievable for Luz to not know it was her. Because from where Luz is standing, the only similarity is the height and body shape. If the crew stuck to using Luz's more apparent traits, then I'd say it's fine to say Luz is oblivious. But as is, it's not too far of a stretch for Luz not to know it was her.)

That dance scene!: Remember how some fans have been hoping for a slow dance between Luz and Amity? This is better.

From the choreography to the smooth animation, to their expressions, to even pure epicness of this scene. Everything about this dance is just so astonishing that I am convinced that several fans have watched it over and over and over again since the episode's release. And you want to know the best part? This scene has so many problems that I don't care about due to how great it is. Why does Eda just stand there and do nothing? I don't know, and I don't care. Why does Grom stand there and do nothing? I don't know, and I don't care. How did Luz and Amity come up with this perfect plan without communicating? I don't know, and I don't care. How did Luz catch Amity, even though it looked like they jumped off of the abomination at the same height, and would've landed at the same time? I don't-Ok, you get the point by now.

Don't get me wrong, these are all valid criticisms. But that's the testament of good writing to me. Because if a scene can make me forget/ignore the problems within it, then it's ok in my book!

The cherry blossom: And now we get to that symbolism that I've mentioned before. Because according to a five-second Google search: The Chinese describe the cherry blossom as a symbol for feminine dominance and, of course, a symbol for love. Now the feminine dominance part is clear, but I'm confident that The Owl House staff concentrated more on the whole "symbol of love" thing. Because how else are they supposed to hint that Amity and Luz are meant to be the endgame relationship? Reveal that Amity's gromposal was meant for Luz? C'mon. That would be-

It’s revealed that Amity’s gromposal was meant for Luz: ...You know those moments that are so awesome, iconic, and downright perfect that you just can't help but give a grand old cheer to it? That's this moment right here. Speaking of which: WAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

Seriously, some of you have no idea how big this scene is. It would have been so easy to cut the scene short at Amity throwing her half of the note, and leaving it up to interpretation for who the whole thing was for. But the fact that we get to see that it was meant for Luz, thus confirming that Amity has a crush on her, is absolute perfection. Not only is it because this is a big step for Disney in terms of representation, but to me, it seems like a normalization of gay culture. This type of reveal is something that would be done for several heterosexual relationships. So to confirm that Amity has a crush on Luz as if it was nothing...that's...that's just awesome. It's awesome, and I am so happy that Disney even greenlit this decision. And I'm not even gay! So I can not comprehend how some of you are feeling about this moment!

(Also, this does not mean that Lumity is canon. But it does at least mean that Lumity is going to be canon. Only now it's a question of when rather than if.)

Luz’s Text to Home: This was just a sweet moment. You get a better understanding of the love Luz has for her mother within these few seconds, then you did throughout the entire series so far. I also like that this implies that Luz is going to try being more honest with her mom about being in a whole new dimension. Which is again, is something I've been playing with.

Speaking of my aforementioned fanfic, during this entire scene, I was thinking to myself: "Man. Maybe I don't have to write a chapter based on this episode, after all. It pretty much did the job for me. I'm just glad that show didn't do anything that would make what I wrote completely worthless. Because that would just-"

Camilia is getting LETTERS?!: “...Well shit.”

Ok, gags and goofs aside, I honestly love this reveal. Because this presents a whole lot of questions. Like, how is Camilia getting these letters? When did she start getting them? And more importantly: Who the hell is sending them?! This is another thing that I enjoy about The Owl House. Just when you think you're satisfied with the episode you're given, the writers throw in something you could have never expected in a million years. This is why lately, it's a toss-up between The Owl House and Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts for the best show of 2020 for me.

(BTW, WATCH KIPO AND THE AGE OF WONDERBEASTS! It's SO GOOD!)

Those Grom pictures: These were just cute. Especially the last one.

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE

...Uh...Oh! I know!

King’s B-plot: A small complaint that I have for The Owl House is that most of the b-plots in several episodes just feel unnecessary. Episodes like "The First Day," and "Adventures in the Elements" had b-plots that were pointless and not as engaging as the a-plot. What's worse is that they seem like padding for time, when most of that time could be used for significant moments in the main plot. And honestly, King's story in this episode is the worst one yet. It's filler that is poorly paced and wasn't really all that funny (aside from the other b-plots which at least offered a few good jokes in them). I don't know. Maybe it's because I have Lumity brain rot and wanted more moments between those two, but I just could not get engaged in King's story.

And...yeah, that’s about it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This episode deserves a well earned A+! Sure it has its fair share of problems, but the many, MANY, things it does right outweighs what it does wrong. On top of that, its one of the few episodes of any show I've seen that kept me up at night. Why? Because I couldn't stop thinking about how amazing it was. "Enchanted Grom Fright" is a worthy contender for the best episode of the season, and probably the entire series. It was heartwarming, engaging, and quite possibly the most important thing Disney has made in years. What else could you call it other than Enchanting.

(And no, this doesn’t mean I’m reviewing episodes of The Owl House from now on. Just the ones that are worth talking about.)

[searchingwardrobes]

Self Promo Sunday

I have honestly really enjoyed going back to my older fics and making picsets for them to post here on tumblr. This one is a cute little one shot that came to me because I did a brief stint in direct sales and was HORRIBLE at it! (I sold - or tried to sell - scrapbooking supplies). I know Killian is good at charming his way out of trouble and using his charm to steal things, but I imagined that being a salesman wouldn’t be as easy for him. You see, I was horrible at sales because I don’t like talking people into buying something when they clearly don’t want to. Killian Jones is very passionate about choice and free will, so I imagined the following story!

Words: 2k and some change

Rating: G for silly, sweet fluff

Also on Ao3

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Emma Swan really hopes Killian Jones has a second job. Because she’s never seen a worse salesman. The first time he comes into the diner, the last thing she would have pegged him as is a salesman. All mussed hair and black leather with piercings and a tattoo. The heavy black vinyl bag leaning against the booth next to him that says Buy the Book: Direct Sales is out of place.

He’s so bad at it that it takes him forever that first day to give her his sales pitch. Until his second cup of coffee, to be exact. That’s when he hems and haws as he gives her his business card. She stares at it, wondering how she can politely decline as he scratches behind his ear and slides a glossy catalogue across the table. She normally wouldn’t have any qualms at turning down either a sales pitch or a pick up line with a gruff not interested, but he’s so adorably nervous. He starts pulling sample inventory out of his bag, and that’s when she’s in trouble because Henry sniffs out the books like a bloodhound. Her son hops from his stool at the counter where he’s been doing his homework, and eagerly starts looking through the books.

“Look at this one, mom!” Henry exclaims, holding up a pirate sticker and activity book. “It’s not for babies. It’s got cool facts about the history of real pirates.”

Yes. Emma Swan’s son is not your typical ten year old. He’s both a bookworm and a history nut. And she loves him for it. Which is why she buys it. Not because salesman Killian Jones has killer blue eyes.

She pulls a twenty from her apron pocket, hands it to him (because there’s no way she’s giving a guy she just met her credit card information), and tries not to swoon when he smiles. It’s killer, too. She’s his first customer, he tells her, and she can’t help smiling back. He frowns, though, when he realizes he doesn’t have change for a twenty, and then Emma rolls her eyes because, really? It’s just a nickel. He smiles again at that and, well, crap. That smile!

She rolls her eyes later when she sees the ten he left for a tip along with a note telling her she’s “bloody amazing.” The fool went and gave the majority of his profit right back to her. Yeah, he really sucks at this.

*********************************************************

The second time he comes into the diner, he wisely comes in the afternoon again, ensuring Henry is there doing his homework. But this time, he tries (and fails) to chat up fellow customers to get a few sales. They seem skeptical of a salesman who looks more like a biker/rock star than someone who peddles used cars. Emma almost laughs when the only single woman in the diner’s face instantly falls when Killian Jones produces his business card and a catalogue. Seems his blue eyes and his smile are powerless against a woman scorned. She huffs as she tosses her tip on the table and exits the diner post haste, leaving a clearly baffled Killian behind.

When Emma approaches his table, he smiles half-heartedly and she feels sorry for him. Once again, he doesn’t try to sell her anything until she fills his coffee mug a second time. That’s when he pulls out a book he thinks Henry might like, all about knights and castles of the Middle Ages. Henry eagerly peruses it, and Emma is a sucker once again. She buys it because Henry loves history so much he’s the only ten year old Emma has ever heard of who was pumped about a weekend trip to Gettysburg. It’s not because of the way Killian Jones swipes his tongue over his lower lip when he’s nervous.

*****************************************************

The next time Killian comes into the diner, Christmas music is playing and a garland of evergreen hangs in loops over the counter. It’s mid-morning, so Henry’s at school. After his second cup of coffee, Killian admits he came when he knew Henry would be at school because he was hoping . . . and then he’s hemming and hawing again, rubbing at his neck and scratching behind his ear. Emma thinks for a split second that he’s trying to ask her out until he pulls his company’s Christmas catalogue out of his bag. She tries to ignore her disappointment when he asks if she’s finished her Christmas shopping yet.

She ends up buying a “Daily Inspirations for Teachers” desk calendar for Mary Margaret and Nicholas Spark’s newest bestseller for David (a guilty pleasure she loves to tease him about). For Granny she gets a book of knitting patterns. Killian pulls out a book he thinks Henry would like: a leather bound book of fairy tales with the title Once Upon a Time embossed in elegant script across the front. Emma knows Henry would love it, but gasps at the price. A forty dollar book is way over her budget, and like the horrible salesman he is, Killian doesn’t push it. She orders two graphic novels for Henry instead, and when she places the order she slides her credit card across the table.

Killian tells her it’s his biggest order to date and smiles so wide Emma is able to confirm her suspicions. There are dimples underneath that scruff. She begins to second guess her assertion that he’s a bad salesman. Because she’s pretty sure he could sell beachfront property in Kansas with those dimples.

*************************************************

In January, Emma is alarmed when a dejected Killian Jones enters the diner and slumps in his usual booth, his head in his hands. Emma decides to stop the charade when she approaches his table.

“You don’t have to wait till your second cup of coffee.”

Killian lifts his face to hers and quirks an eyebrow in confusion, “I’m sorry, love?”

“You know,” Emma says, gesturing with her order pad, “selling me books. What do you have for Henry this time?”

Killian sighs and leans back in the booth, “Alas, Swan, I am no longer in the business. I’m pretty much the worst salesman in the world.”

Emma hates that she chuckles, but she can’t help it, “Yeah, you pretty much sucked.” Killian, thankfully, laughs as well. “I’m glad I was your best customer, then. While it lasted.”

Killian winces, “Actually, love, you were my only customer.”

Emma’s jaw drops at that and her sympathy grows exponentially. She never bought that much, really. She glances around for Granny as she slides into the booth across from him. Although, based on Granny’s reaction to the knitting book (Why don’t you kiss the man already instead of buying all his books?), she doesn’t think she’ll mind.

“Are you okay? I mean, you don’t seem like you’re starving and destitute, so I’m assuming you have another job.”

“Several, actually,” Killian says, drumming his fingers on the table. “My brother and I do seasonal work on the Cape with a boat charter we own.”

“Cape Cod?”

“Aye. The Cape is beautiful in the spring and summer, but in the winter it’s downright depressing. So I like to come here to Boston once we winter the boat. The hustle and bustle is a nice change of pace, and I love city life during the holidays. Plus, like your boy, I’m a bit of a history buff. I work seasonally at the bookstore down the street.”

“So why the direct sales?”

Killian sighs, “A foolish notion. The bookstore only hires me through the end of December. I thought with this second job I could stay in the city until spring,” he shrugs. “Turns out convincing a customer in a bookstore to buy J.M. Barrie’s original Peter Pan instead of the abridged illustrated version is a mite different from selling books all on your lonesome.”

Emma’s heart drops at the implication of what he’s saying. “So what will you do now?”

“Slink back to the Cape with my tail between my legs and help my sister in law at the ice cream shop, as usual.”

So he’s leaving Boston. He’s leaving, and Emma is surprised at how much it disappoints her. “An ice cream place on the cape can make it through the winter?” She almost face palms. Can she sound any more desperate to convince him to stay?

Killian doesn’t seem to pick up on any subtext, thank goodness. “Elsa inherited the place from her aunt. She and her sister helped out there since they were kids. They know how to make it through the lean months. Dull as tombs, though. Yet, as they say, spring will come again!”

Emma tries to smile, but she knows it’s half-hearted. Killian reaches into his bag and pulls out the leather bound book of fairy tales she couldn’t afford at Christmas. Emma arches an eyebrow, “Still trying to make a sale?”

“Oh no, Swan, this is a gift. To thank you.”

“Killian, I can’t accept that. You need to sell off your inventory, or you’ll lose everything you invested.”

Killian chuckles sardonically at that, “Too late for that, Swan. Besides, you’re the only one who ever bought anything, and you know it wasn’t for the books. You felt sorry for me.”

Emma’s face flushes, and she wishes she could tell him that wasn’t it. She’s always despised pity and vowed she’d never doll it out. But how can she explain that while still guarding her heart? Instead, she accepts the leather book and hugs it to her chest, mumbling a soft “thank you.” Killian smiles in return and exits the diner without ever ordering a thing. And she hates the finality of his departure and the possibility that there could have been a them, but now she’ll never know.

She looks down at the book in her hands and notices a little rectangle of cardstock poking out of its pages. She pulls it out, expecting it to be Killian’s Buy the Book business card. Instead, it says Jewel of the Realm Charters with the names Liam and Killian Jones and a phone number. Emma’s heart flips in her chest when she sees that Killian has jotted a note on the back.

I owe you and Henry a free day of sailing. – Killian

The fool still knows nothing about making a profit.

********************************************************

In February, Emma Swan walks into Any Given Sundae along the shores of Cape Cod. She convinced herself there was nothing stalker-ish about her showing up here, but now that the bell is jingling above the door and the blonde woman behind the counter is smiling at her, she’s having second thoughts. Killian had mentioned his sister-in-law’s name, so it’s not like she had to be a private detective or anything to find the place. Still, who drives all the way from Boston to Cape Cod just to visit an ice cream shop? In February?

“May I help you?” asks the blonde, and Emma fiddles with the end of her scarf. She was kind of hoping Killian would just be there when she walked through the door.

“Um . . . I . . .” and she almost laughs thinking of the way Killian would hem and haw when selling her books. She glances around the store. It’s one of those tiny places that beach goers walk in and out of on hot summer days. There are no tables or chairs anywhere in the place. But in the corner a display table has been set up. A display table of books. Emma walks towards it. “You sell books?”

“Oh,” says the blonde – Elsa, she assumes – with a dismissive wave of her hand, “that’s a failed business venture of my brother-in-law’s. Please buy one. I need to get those out of here before tourist season.”

Emma reaches out and runs her fingers along the edges of the books.

“Swan?”

Emma turns to see Killian standing behind the counter with a large tub of ice cream in each arm. He deposits them quickly into their slots behind the glass then comes around to face her. They stand there staring at each other for a few moments, grinning like a couple of idiots.

“Wh-what are you doing here, Swan?” he stutters, and she swears he sounds more nervous than he did when he was trying to sell books.

“Guess it’s too early for that day of sailing, huh?” she teases with a shrug.

“Yeah, I’d say so,” he teases back, “there’s a foot of snow on the ground, Swan.”

Emma bites her lip and fiddles with her scarf again, “Actually, I came to tell you thank you. For Henry’s book. He loves it.”

Killian raises his eyebrows, “You drove all the way out to Cape Cod to tell me that?”

There’s a twinkle in his eyes that makes Emma blush, and they just stare at each other again like goofballs. She sees Elsa laugh and shake her head out of the corner of her eye, and she thinks that she couldn’t possibly embarrass herself any more than she already has. So with a roll of her eyes and a screw this, she grabs him by the shirt collar and kisses the living daylights out of him.

He dives back in for more when she finally pulls away, and when Elsa tells them, “Easy there, tigers, you’re gonna melt all the ice cream,” they laugh against each others’ lips.

************************************************************

Two months later, Henry brings his book along when Killian takes them sailing. He reads parts of it out loud to them when Killian lays anchor, and Emma finds that it’s modern versions of classic fairy tales. Snow White is a bandit with a bow and arrows, Red Riding Hood is a werewolf, and Captain Hook is a hero who falls in love with a princess. And Emma thinks that she really likes this story. A pirate and a princess.

But she likes theirs better.

A salesman and a waitress.

Make that a horrible salesman and a waitress.

[snowbellewells]

Self Promo Sunday: “Now We Are A Fairy Tale”

I originally wrote this little one shot just after the Season three finale, when my brain was wonderfully warm and melted for a bit with the perfection of the CS movie. This is a little add-on  missing moment scenario for the end of "There's No Place Like Home" – it picks up not long after the finale's ending. Enjoy, and please please let me know what you think.

(Of course I don't own them!)

"Now We Are a Fairy Tale"

By: @snowbellewells​

It didn't strike Emma Swan fully until much later that night. Not until after she had worried and fretted with her mother over what she had inadvertently done to Regina, held and cooed at, and quite honestly, cried over holding her new baby brother in her arms, and finally trudged up the steps to the loft after the rest of her family. They were all weary and certainly ready for a good night's sleep without having to worry about Wicked Witch attacks, lost memories, winged killer primates, or yawning time portals. In fact, everyone was so exhausted that even her incredibly doting, nosey, and old-fashioned parents had not yet raised any sort of argument at the fact that she was tugging her pirate captain behind her. Henry was practically asleep on his feet at the front of their little procession with Snow and the baby, for which Emma was glad – he surely would have noticed.

Killian, however, was making quiet protest any chance he could whisper near her ear without alerting the others. "Lass, you needn't take me in like a stray pup. My room at Granny's is quite sufficient. I cannot impose on your family, and surely your parents will object."

"I don't care, Killian. You're coming," she hissed back. She didn't particularly want to have her parents go all overprotective on her, but right at this moment, she couldn't let him out of her sight either. It was amazing how simply her heart had expanded to want and need him more with every beat. As cautious and guarded as she had been, now that she had admitted her feelings, she was lit up all over in the glow of his love, and she couldn't seem to let him go for a second.

"I'll be fine, Love," he insisted as they crossed the threshold and Emma turned to magically seal and safeguard the place behind them – more out of habit than from continued necessity – and the rest of their little troupe moved off further into the house. "This is not the way things are done. For all my jesting, I am a gentleman, Emma, and I wish to court you properly."

"Really, Killian?" she smirked, arching a brow at him, half in flattered disbelief and half in exasperation. Now that she wasn't fighting him anymore, she had honestly been looking forward to really getting her hands on him.

"Aye, truly, Darling," he replied softly. Both the hushed timbre of his voice and the look in his eyes conveyed his sincerity, even without Emma using her superpower. "I wish to do right by you, and I am not sure how far to trust my control if we are to be sleeping in the same quarters."

Emma had to swallow a rather large lump in her throat at the look of hunger in his eyes while he spoke those last words, his hypnotic blue gaze practically caressing her. "You and me both, Buddy," she remarked wryly, admitting in her head that he was probably right to slow this down a bit, though the whole thing seemed oddly reversed from their usual interactions.

"What's that, Swan?" he questioned, a smirk on his face showing he already had a good idea where her thoughts had been.

Looking up at him coyly from beneath her lashes, Emma smirked right back before explaining, "I was honestly looking forward to allowing you into my quarters, Pirate. Your charms have finally won me over."

"About bloody time!" was his immediate playful retort. His eyes flashed with true relief, even as he broke into a pleased chuckle with the familiar response. Then, he was pulling her to him, the hunger flaring again in his expression when she came willingly, almost melting into his embrace. "If that's the way you feel, Princess…" he murmured gruffly before lowering his head and capturing her lips with his own.

It was as desperate and strong as it had been either of the times before. Though she had been warmly overwhelmed and almost boneless as Killian first wrapped her up, Emma was soon responding in kind, her hands clutching almost frantically at his shoulders before one trailed up even further to fist in his dark hair.

It would have been near painful, if Killian hadn't been so stirred by the show of need from her equal to his own. The little growl that escaped her throat, demanding more, spurred him on, and he delved his good hand into her soft, golden hair in return, angling her head just so to deepen the kiss further, a groan rumbling through his chest in spite of himself in response to the feel of her in his arms at last.

Tremors ran through Emma's body at Killian's reaction, still not sure how to believe someone could desire her so completely, honestly, and unequivocally. Without coherent thought, Emma realized that she was moving, drawing him along with her, heading toward the hall, to the stairs and her room. They would have made it too; she had no doubt, if there had not been the creak of a floorboard, and then footsteps on the stairs.

They pulled apart as a suspicious-looking Charming appeared above them on the stairway. His hand was still up, having been rubbing his eyes sleepily before he caught his daughter and his new friend in the midst of their first serious make out session. The Prince's eyes narrowed and his voice, though grumpy and tired, did not brook argument as he came down the rest of the steps to stand before them, studying them both with astute authority.

"I'm grateful, Hook, not stupid," David grumbled, shuffling past them into the kitchen to the sink. "Let's keep it PG in here, shall we?"

Emma couldn't help the actual giggle that escaped her upon seeing Killian's look of confusion at her father's last statement. The oddity of both her man not understanding what a movie was, nor being caught making out by her father like he should have been able to do when she was a teenager, didn't escape her and she was beaming – truly happy with everything in her life and hardly knowing how to handle so much joy.

David turned with his glass of water and gave each of them a stern, searching look. "I'll see you both in the morning," was all he finally said before moving back toward his and Snow's room. Still, his implication was clear.

"Yes, your Highness," Killian responded, giving the Prince a nod as he passed, and somehow managing to convey both respect and sardonic humor at the same time. Emma could do little more than bite her lip to hold back further laughter at the both of them and the whole situation.

When Charming had gone and they were alone again, Emma couldn't help the fit of giggles she dissolved into, one quick look at Killian's curious expression and the eyebrow he raised in question at her had Emma burying her face in his shoulder, hers shaking with mirth.

"What is it, Love?" he asked, brushing reverent fingers through her hair and chuckling with her, more at simply seeing her happy than in understanding what she found so funny.

She shook her head, glancing back up at him happily. "Nothing much," she assured him with a grin. "One of these days we'll just have to inform you of some modern world sayings, Pirate, that's all."

"So, Darling…" he murmured, blue eyes darkening attractively with intent as he leaned forward, all seriousness and innuendo once more, "where were we?"

Emma had to draw in a shaky breath to center herself and keep her body from betraying her by falling right under his spell again. She leaned away from his tempting lips and quirked a wry smile at him, clearly teasing. "I was about to make you forget that you're 'always a gentleman'," she supplied.

Killian's face registered shock for a moment, before he literally licked his lips and reached out to capture her in his arms again. "Too right, Lass," he agreed huskily.

Emma shook her head, evading his grasp playfully once more. "I think it's a good thing David interrupted us," she said hesitantly. "I was getting swept up in the moment, and I don't want to ruin this, the way I've done with nearly every other relationship in my life. Besides, they trust us, Killian…"

He gave her a doubtful look, but she pressed on.

"No, I mean it. They trust you too. And I think you value that more than you let on. Pirate reputation to uphold and all," she winked at him jokingly with that last statement.

"Emma, I would never…" he began, concern in his eyes, as if fearing that she thought he would take advantage.

She stepped forward again, bringing her hand to rest over his heart tenderly. "I know, Killian. Don't worry so much. I was the one who went a little overboard." She paused for a moment, searching his lovely eyes until she saw relief clear them. "Stay here for a second, okay?" she asked finally. "I'll be right back. There's something I want to show you."

She headed for the hallway and saw him moving in to sit on the living room couch, before she turned to tiptoe into Henry's room. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness easily with the aid of the moonlight spilling in through the window and across her son's peaceful, sleeping face. She knew what she was after and quietly crept right over to Henry's desk, where she knew her kept his prized book of fairy tales, front and center on the surface in a place of honor.

Smiling once she had it in her hands, Emma ran her fingertips thoughtfully over the curling, gilt letters on the book's cover. Without this book, Henry would never have known their story, he wouldn't have come looking for her, and her whole life now would be different. For all that she had sworn she wanted out of the crazy, magical Storybrooke world, Emma would no longer want to be in the normal world she'd had – all alone and closed off from love.

Still trying not to make a sound or disturb Henry's rest, Emma turned and slipped out of her son's room and back to the living room where her pirate waited.

When Killian raised his face to smile at her and patted the couch cushion beside him, she was drawn forward – right to his side like a magnet. Opening the large book over both of their laps, Emma could not help cuddling into his side and laying her head on his shoulder. Even just a few days prior, him wrapping his good arm around her to hold her closer and ruffle her hair would have frightened her, crowded her, felt too confining, but now she reveled in it, tipping her face up to press a kiss to the underside of his strong, defined jaw.

Killian sucked in a quick, strangled breath, and she felt him tense, bringing himself back under control. "You are sailing dangerous waters, Princess," he warned, tone carefully light, but his grip around her showing just how difficult that restraint was. With a sigh, he tried to move beyond what was simmering between them, loosening his taut muscles by sheer force of will. "Why don't you show me what you were intending to show me?" he suggested.

Emma nodded and began to rifle through the pages in the book, looking for the picture she had glimpsed only briefly with Henry earlier at Granny's. She hadn't purposefully been trying to torment Killian; the affection and greedy touching and hunger were completely new to her and nearly overwhelming. It was still surprising and difficult for her to fathom the affect she seemed to have on him without even trying. So many years of being invisible – not mattering to anyone – were not something that could be forgotten in a few days, or even months, and she could easily be stunned all over again by his devotion and care. Emma shook her head a little to clear it of so many circling thoughts, and finally landed on the story she had been seeking. Her hands ghosted over the picture still familiar from recent memory. Then, she turned to study Killian's face, making sure he understood what this meant.

She was no longer fighting it. They were real. They were true.

Killian's eyes widened adorably, leaning over the book slightly and then grinning as if his face might split in two. "Are we now in this book, Lass?" he asked, disbelief and awe in his voice.

A lump that had already been rising in her throat from earlier emotion stopped Emma's words, so she merely nodded her head 'yes', locking eyes with him and bringing her hand up to cradle his stubbled cheek. She swallowed a few times before finding her voice shakily, and then she finally managed. "We are. Or at least Charles and Leia are…" she chuckled at her own ridiculously bad attempt at thinking on her feet.

"Ah, well, those two certainly look quite happy, don't they?" he murmured, voice rumbling in her ear and sending shivers racing all along her skin.

Normally, she would be running by now – overwhelmed – but instead, for the first time ever, she wanted to stay right there. "It almost looks like a happy ending," she agreed, blinking back the tears of joy that were still trying to threaten.

"So now we are a fairytale ourselves, are we Swan?"

"Looks that way," she responded cheekily.

"The Princess and the Pirate?" he questioned lightly, jokingly trying to guess the title.

"Hmm…" Emma hummed, pretending deep thought for a second, and then she smiled at him warmly, barely resisting the urge to curl up even closer against him. "Maybe you should read it to me, and we'll find out?"

Killian acquiesced easily to her wishes, and Emma could see clearly now that it was the same thing he had been doing for as long as she had known him; striving to do her bidding and waiting for her to understand. His rich, sultry, accented voice wrapped around her like a comforting blanket, retelling the adventure they had undertaken together. Her peace and contentment were so blissfully complete that she was almost afraid to close her eyes, though exhaustion was fast overcoming her as she listened to his voice.

Her eyelashes fluttered, and Emma tried valiantly to fight them back open. Killian's fingers brushed feather-light over her forehead just then, followed by a quick, gentle peck of his lips. Carefully, he eased her down to rest her head on his thigh and stretch her legs out across the couch.

"It's alright, Emma love. Rest. I will be here when you wake."

And with those words, she finally fell into the most peaceful sleep she'd ever had, followed shortly by her pirate – both knowing they were safe… and at home.

Tagging a few who may enjoy: @jennjenn615​ @kmomof4​ @whimsicallyenchantedrose​ @searchingwardrobes​ @hollyethecurious​ @laschatzi​ @thisonesatellite​ @profdanglaisstuff​ @shireness-says​ @snidgetsafan​ @teamhook​ @revanmeetra87​ @therooksshiningknight​ @spartanguard​ @thislassishooked​ 

[chrisstevenson]

The Lows of High Book Prices

A thousand pardons if I come off like a rant. I'm a mashup between J.A. Konrath and Harlan Ellison. I'm a writer advocate and defender of the written word. I also watch the industry like a stealthy Sasquatch. These articles are always meant for Guerrilla Warfare for Writers, my down and dirty blog. There is no BS here. Maybe some inaccuracies. I don't even like posting these articles to my YA website--no one reads me there anyway. I hope you suffer me well.  

First and foremost, if you are a celebrity author you don't need to be reading this. If you are an A-list author, pass on by. If you are a very popular author with a huge reader fan base and have a enormous mailing list that draws purchasing customers in like flies, audios. If you have a break-out or bestseller, you can kindly leave by through back door. There will also be some outlier exceptions. This article is not a call to arms for you. You are profitable, consistent and probably comfortably set in the mighty realm of book sales.

If you are new to writing with a minimum number of releases, an old-time mid-lister like me with a ton of books out there, or a new writer launching your first book, I think you better read this and make some grave determinations. It's unlikely a publisher is going to read this, but I've been with and seen too many that need to know what is working and what is not as far as ad pricing. This warning goes double for authors who just don't care that their e-book prices are going to be placed high regardless. It goes triple (as of this writing) because of the corona virus and the financially stressed atmosphere it has created.  People are buying essentials. As far as entertainment, they are streaming movies and playing games. Who started the the rumor that they were buying books hand over fist? Do you remember when this news was sent out on the wings of doves at the very beginning of the pandemic spread?

I would like you to read three paragraphs (below) which come straight from the keys of most of the advertisers I know and have dealt with. The wording might not be the same but the implications all point to the same conclusion. They don't want your high-priced book. They want rock-bottom cover prices and freebies. The reason is twofold; Shoppers want bargains, plain and simple. That's why W-Mart and Amazon rule the nest. Yet the second reason is that the company itself doesn't want to lose a potential customer. That means you won't be coming back for seconds if there are flat sales. They are also competing with other promotion and marketing sites that have the same mindset policies.

Here's my statistics for two YA fantasy/thrillers that had excellent covers and blurbs. Both of these ads were run before and during a Halloween special (the horror factor was quite evident).. Both books were priced at $2.99.

Book one ran for 15 days on a $45 budget. It received 5,391 impressions; total clicks--5--and a CTR of 0.09%

Book two ran for seven days on a $100 budget. It received 10,195 impressions; total clicks --13 and a CTR of  0.13%.

I don't think I have to do the math for you. Except for the takeaway, which was $145.00 from me and some wide-eyed experience. I later changed companies, dropped the e-book price to .99 cents, and still fell flat--no sales. We could argue all day long about what I did wrong with these two companies. I did not stop there. I enlisted in seven of the companies listed below, with very low, rock-bottom prices. Please excuse my spelling on the names.

Just Kindle Books

Fiverr--bkknights

Fussy Librarian

FreeBooksie

E-book Hounds

Robin Reads

Kindlebook Review

Book Barbarian

Booksends

BookDealio

Ebookdiscovery

Ereader IQ

Ent

Book Reader Magazine

Pretty Hot books.

Out of my promotions, I received three apologies and full refunds. I think I sold two books from Ent. That was it. I won't go into which seven, but I did do my research beforehand. They were my best picks.  

Have you ever heard that it wasn't the gold miners who made money off their digs, but the merchants who sold them the supplies, tools, products and other services? We basically have the same thing going on here, with grandiose claims of the promotion and marketing companies talking about going to the top of the sales charts, breakouts, unlimited exposure and guaranteed results. Results. Not sales. Impressions and clicks are a normal state of business and you'll see them. What you won't see are voluminous click-throughs--buys, sales, mullah.

There are many Indie writers who are exceptions to this rule because they have targeted outfits that payoff for them. Might be some trade published out there too. This comes from a lot of trial and error--R & D--and it NEVER ends because the books can go through an insufferable amount of tweaking to fine-tune the results. This happens when an author watches his/her ups, downs and in betweens--the stats that govern peak sales. Self-published authors also get a larger percentage cut of the royalties than the small trade-house authors. Many of the elite Indie authors pay thousands for ads a months, but they reaps thousands plus in return. So it is a revolving door for them--huge investments that garner huge profits. You want to make money, you have to spend it. That's not my quote, lol.

Look, all I'm saying is be wise and careful with your expenditures. You are going to see, if you already haven't, self-proclaimed experts that can do all forms of editing, covers, formatting, book tours, pod-casts, trailers, page ads, listings, book-to-movie deals, screenwriting, agent introductions, publisher submissions, blurbs, illustrations, writing courses, query letters, one-on-one instruction, translations, ghostwriting, expedited (paid) reviews, synopsis's, proof reading, evaluations and all other manner of Internet blasting services. Can you pay for some of these services without losing your shirt or blouse? Sure you can! It's up to you. But be aware, unless you really need and believe in any of them, you'll lose out every time.

I often wonder if we are just giving our books away because the sea is awash with them. So many tens of thousands of books are published each year that the numbers keeps compounding and burying the authors under tons of pixels. Nobody can find you, lest you post on FB that you will commit suicide if somebody, anybody doesn't buy one of your books before you take that leap. Well, if it goes viral and you were bluffing, it would work. I think you get the idea. Dear gawd, I've often entertained the idea.

1. Your deal price should be as competitive as possible (This is a company motto BTW).

"We promise our subscribers the best deals available. The better the deal, the more appealing it is to our subscribers, and therefore the more likely it is to be selected by our editors/readers. We rarely feature books priced above $2.99, and even $2.99 is an unusually high price for many of our categories.(I JUST LOVE IT WHEN THEY SAY $2.99 IS UNUSUALLY HIGH).

"While your deal price should be based on your book marketing goals, pricing as low as possible will entice more readers to download your book. The lower the price, the higher the conversion rate of a Deal. Knowing this, our editors prefer books that are competitively priced, since those will drive a higher volume of reader engagement. They’re also able to select a higher percentage of discounted books. If you’re not selected for a deal between $0.99 and $3.99, consider resubmitting your book for a free promotion, as this can be a really effective way to increase your chances of getting selected.

"Keep in mind that the competitiveness of your price depends on your category. While it’s normal to see a higher priced book in Cooking, for example, prices are usually lower in the Mysteries or Romance categories (THOSE TWO ARE THE BEST-SELLING GENRES, BTW).. Browse through books in your category to see what’s competitive in your own genre. Again, if your book is not selected at one price, try resubmitting at a lower price or for free. Your chances of being selected will be higher."

Note the last sentence. They are going to select you in accordance with how profitable they think you can be.Sounds to me if you don't go low enough to suit them, they'll politely blow you off.

I've heard some positive news about AMS, BookBub featured ads, and in a blue moon, FB and Twitter boosters. I've used all but the grand daddy feature ad. While these might still show some profit, they certainly aren't working like they used to. Profit has measurably declined, and I mean this in a general sense.

What does my crystal ball tell me for the future? I can only take a wild stab at it and say that the heavy visual sites like Pinterest, Instagram, Tumblr and others are driving a wedge between the other competitors. They could be the wave for future book exposure. I know their swords are drawn against Amazon

Anybody have any solutions or ideas about gaining some profitability in this industry? I'd love to hear it. Or any promo/marketing site that has fulfilled your dreams. BTW, just like FB put the whammy on My Space, do you see another FB type site in the future? I dooooo,

Blessed wishes, please stay safe and healthy.

Chris and Christy.  

[icewraiths]

Some SSO salt because this post by Rave reminded me of my own annoyances with representation

Disclaimer: I’m white af, only a little bit west asian, so I don’t count it for anything at all in ~discourse~ commentary like this (and neither should you). I’m not speaking from a personal place like Rave was, and you should of course take their word (as well as the input of any other people that aren’t white) over mine on matters such as this one.

I think this is yet another case of SSO failing hard at one of the critical aspects of good RPGs, and that is: Do Not make any assumptions about the player character.

As Rave stated, SSO assumes the player character wouldn’t understand Mandarin, despite it being a language that’s actively spoken by a sizable population of the world. It wouldn’t have been all that hard for SSO to pick a language that’s actually obscure (I’m loosely defining ‘obscure’ as 1000 native speakers worldwide or less) for that dialogue, or perhaps even make up something fictional (Jorvik is a fictional island after all, maybe there’s rare dialects only spoken in certain regions that your character hasn’t been to or something, idk) that neither the player nor character would know (because fictional).

Another example of this is that trailer they have for the game--you know, the one that’s smack dab in the middle of the front page on their site?

This trailer is aggravating to me. It’s beautifully done, it’s well animated, and it would have been all but perfect if it did not have this awful freaking shot of the Main Character setting her bag down. Why is it awful?

Because it’s straight up telling the viewer that the Main Character can only, canonically, be white. They made the assumption that the player, and therefore their character, must be white.

As I said in the disclaimer, I’m white, so I can only imagine how galling this would be to someone who isn’t white irl and who made their Main Character a self-insert of themselves. It would be like a slap in the face.

I rarely ever self-insert in video games, so when I made my very first SSO account, I gave my character the darkest skin tone option. (Even still, I headcanon her as biracial because the options we have seem to be lacking in darker skin tones overall, but that’s just my own personal opinion on it, which--as we’ve previously established--means nothing.)

I remember the first time I saw that trailer, being hyped and enjoying it, up until the clip of the girl setting her bag down. Then I sat back and was like, “well damn, I guess Drusi (my aforementioned biracial SSO character) isn’t allowed to be the game’s protagonist, cause the protagonist here is obviously white...” 

(There was some sarcasm in there, for what it’s worth--Drusi is still my main and she’s absolutely still the badass protag that she is no matter what some silly promo trailer says. But it was still annoying to see.)

The assumption that the player character Must Be White bothered me, and I’m just a whiny, overreacting white person with a sentimental attachment to my main SSO oc. 

I cannot imagine how this must have felt to players that do self-insert (especially younger ones), and who were essentially told that they aren’t allowed to be heroes in a video game because in this game, the hero is only allowed to have a fair complexion.

This would be another matter entirely if SSO were a game where we play as a pre-determined protagonist, such as in the SSL games. However, since they’re trying to go the RPG route, stuff like this is something they really should try to avoid.

Perhaps one of the most grating parts of this entire trailer video thing is that, all SSO would have to do to fix this (or better yet, to have avoided the problem entirely) would have just to have omitted the part with the girl setting down the bag. 

That’s literally it. 

Just show the gal walking up to the Moorland gates and stand there, cut. Don’t worry about showing her put the bag down at all. Keep defining features (like skin color) out of frame--that way, the viewer can easily interpret the protagonist as looking like whatever their character looks like. It’s that simple! Just don’t make restrictive assumptions about the player or the player character in situations like this; especially don’t assume that the Main Protagonist Goddess Incarnate Hero Character has to canonically be white.

Because the implications of that are... yikes.

Am I overreacting? Yeah absolutely, this is only a short clip of a trailer not everyone will see. But maybe it’s because I’ve played other RPGs where the game will often depict a character in full armor, hiding their features, or otherwise go out of their way to make the player character as vague as possible, that it’s kind of jarring to see anything otherwise. 

Also, I wonder if SSO could circumvent this problem by simply making a Standard Issue Default Character to depict in promo material (such as trailers), like how in Skyrim the default player character guy is a Nord with the iconic iron helmet with horns, or how the Mass Effect trilogy has a default VanderlooShep and FemShep. SSO hasn’t done that (to my knowledge) though, so we’re kind of in an awkward place for the time being. And that still wouldn’t solve the problems of in game dialogue, like the aforementioned quest that assumes the protag doesn’t know Mandarin.

Making assumptions about the player character just isn’t a good thing to do from a perspective of inclusiveness, nor is it a good thing to do from the perspective of an RPG game with customizable protagonists. Hopefully SSO will continue to take steps forward in this regard, rather than going backwards.

[elizabethrobertajones]

13x05 watching notes

I’m not used to getting what I want.

-

Expectations: holy crap am I excited to see Billie again. Yeah yeah Cas or whatever, we know he's back and would be coming back from the moment he died, and all the rest is just flavour text... BILLIE is an utter treat and given A: how she died (not just dead reaper killed off for man pain as a minor thematic antagonist, but also woman of colour on the show which was a bummer and at least she alters their post-death appearances dismal stats even if she isn't back-back as her full and healthy self a la Cas as a worst case scenario >.>) and B: the themes she embodied, and C: that Cas just got punted back OUT of the Empty, well, I am ridiculously pumped to have her (or the image of her >.>) around again, because of the utterly fascinating thematic conundrum she'll represent and because Billie was the most freakin awesome character ever, and Lisa Berry just exudes this raw calm power, and I went and watched Shadowhunters over hiatus 90% because she was on it in like 3 episodes and lo and behold she was a powerhouse in her scenes there too :P

Of course I have a personal stake too and as a meta writer it's not quite so obvious, as a shitposter you might have caught me endlessly referring to it, and as me personally inside my head, I know that I introduced Billie to Terrible Coffee AU to be a side character to the drama, meaning to embroil her in it as a voice of amused-warning-to-later-friend for Cas, and began constructing an entire narrative to explore cosmic consequences in as if post-death the show's Billie had wandered over to my silly AU and was using her extreme disappointment in them all to add another level of irony to the characterisation (listen: imagining what face the canon character would make at their role in your AU is a great way to characterise and people think I'm good at it, so free writing tip :P) and I had to make Billie proud about what I wrought. 

I failed to actually write that section in time for this episode, had no idea there WAS an expiry date and that Billie would come back, but here we are and I've accidentally over-thought Billie to an absolutely astronomically disproportionate degree to probably most people around these parts for the sake of having her tease Cas about Dean from the deck of a boat while they were sipping cocktails together. :P

I can and will mentally insert a cocktail into Billie's hand in her scene(s).

-

OH AND THEN THROW IN THAT THIS IS A YOCKEY EPISODE. Of all the current writers, he's the one who makes me lose my chill completely. He's got an incredible way with character and emotion which I absolutely adore, so I find it pretty hard to worry about all the nervous little things I worry about aside from how much the grand scheme of things will let Billie back. And season 13 seems to be going pretty in my favour as a viewer and meta writer so. Super sublime chill.

-

Oh boy the recap people are trying to put us out of a job.

Superimposing Dean's speech to Patience over Sam crying over Dean nearly dying in 2x01 and ghost!Dean lurking behind him, which of all the reminders that they die a lot is a... lot of a thing. Because John etc. Season 2 theeemes everywhere. And then of course them getting shot as ghosts in 4x15 aka time to save Tessa. And Dean wasn't having an easier time in that episode, hell-damaged and talking to Tessa about how he wished he'd gone with her. Could just be subtle reaper reminders because the next shot is Sam detoxing demon blood in 4x21, nudging us into new territory for Jack theeemes. But that's part of the "pain" in his speech, "horror" is Dean hilariously dying in 3x11 when hit by a car, which, well, wasn't hilarious at all for Sam or the rest of that episode for us once the dying montage was over, and just reminds us how much they're dicked around with by the universe... And then "Death." Over. Death's hand.

Look, I am a simple person with simple wants. I would have been satisfied to just have this about Billie but now you're making me want to see DEATH again and see what the heck happened with him. I mean I've always sort of wanted to see him back again because if Billie would be pissed at them... :P But I could accept she was his stand in from now on. That she WAS the new Death all along, even, for our wild spec. Now I am MADLY excited about how they're going to utilise all this stuff because oh hi have you met me the reapers and death stuff is my absolute favourite stuff on the show. I was always hoping this wasn't going to be a cop out with the tasty sounding title, and it seems like they want us to really be on the ball about the themes here, to whatever end.

(Just having paused it to squeal here, it could be a fake out about Death because the first shot of him in his killer intro montage was his hand with his ring because in season 5 that was the cue we needed to know that was the ring we needed and that Death was who he was supposed to be... Logic dictates the ring crumbled in 10x23 but if they wanted to invoke Death without bringing Julian back...)

Weeeeeeeehheeheheheheeee Death's "affront to the balance of the universe" speech in 6x11 where he was resentfully giving Sam's soul back on one condition... The same thing Billie was pissed about in 11x02 onwards. Is he here to cover for her reappearance and make this seem like it's all just a big cosmic theme? Because something tells me this episode is about their deaths somehow or another, either temporary, threatened, or big picture :P

Or it's confirming that Billie is Death, there's always that because the next transition is Dean killing Death to Billie LITERALLY CONTINUING DEATH'S SENTENCE FROM 6x11 - "you cause disruption on a global scale -- so next time you die and your brother bite it, we're going to toss you out into the Empty."

"And *nothing* comes back from that" *stab*

Leaving it there with Cas - no cutting to him back alive in the bramble patch. Instead the last note, the only one ABOUT the Winchesters in season 13 aside from Dean's 13x03 speech being used - is Dean saying Sam needs to keep the faith for him, which was the comment only answered in dramatic irony by Cas's return. No comment on the dominoes of Cas stabbing Billie, getting stabbed himself, going to the Empty, and coming back from that. No comment on the deal. This is all stuff we're either meant to know already or isn't strictly relevant right now... But we'll see :P

-

Sort of scared to play the cold open because eye horror in the promo pics and I don't wanna see the doctor drill some random person of the week through the eyeball :P

-

Oh no, it's kids. I think they're still alive because of the promo where they refer to talking to some kids. Or one of them with the implication both made it out the house although I assume their time is numbered regardless.

They're visiting a house which used to be a mental health clinic, which has weird overlap to last episode and the fact the guys went to a fully functioning house with a modern day therapist in it. Mel pointed out the Asylum direct visual reference in one of the props we see in the fast promo so I suppose that's a good season 1 reference to keep in the back of your head.

The floppy haired kid with the backpack (aka the Jack mirror?) is more uncertain about doing this but encouraged by his friend to go along with it. His friend is a dick.

I hope someone's had a good look at the stained glass window because I can't tell if we've seen it before or not. This may or may not be set re-use >.>

You can tell the boys apart because one is half battery (the dick) and one has full battery still (our sympathetic guy)

Don't touch the plague masks!!!!

Literally that was your entire fault and at least the one we were rooting for legged it with a minor wound. I think even some other ghosts were yelling at them for waking up the doctor (I HOPE that's not a parallel to The Empty and Cas waking him up)

But yet... sam and dean seem to have visited both? Was it only "minor" brain drilling and the other kid comes back home slightly altered? Mel also made promo shot comparisons to Naomi and her drilling... Brrrr.

-

Anyway Dean is making himself PB&J so I don't have time for you all. Ouch.

Did Sam literally just compliment Dean for making himself a sandwich?

is it a recovery sandwich?

I get the feeling if we're seeing this and the promo was a lil later on and some investigating further into the episode then maybe we're basically seeing Dean's breaking point for being babied through his grief by Sam's attempts to cheer him up.

Makes you wonder why they picked that instead of this, but this could be a relatively dull opener and Sam trying to talk Dean into going to a strip club was too funny to resist, because it kind of was :P

-

Sam has been on screen 6 seconds and he's annoyingly peppy

I love Sam btw, like, you are not allowed to judge me for how I may talk about Sam in the coming stretch of episode because I get the sense he's in full on cheer up mode, which turns anyone into the most irritating person on the planet and then you throw in Sam's eyebrows and basically I can't with him :P It's not a judgement on his character, I know he's trying to help Dean because of what Dean told him, but Dean just wants to operate a shell of himself for a while and Sam's trying to dig him out of it because it's painful to see him like that and he doesn't know that Cas is reconnecting with them soon, and if not today then next week and also probably by the second half of the season Mary will be back with them.

-

Anyway Dean just carries on stoically making his sandwich and we all talk a lot about the symbolism... I think in this context perhaps it's loosely linked to Kevin operating as a ghost out of this kitchen after dying halfway through his PB&J and coming back for the crusts as unfinished business. He was mourning his mom while he was alive but then it turned out she was alive but too late he was dead.

The PB&J is also symbolic of humanity so idk. He could just be making it because it's sweet and he has a sweet tooth, it's vaguely reminiscent of pie filling but not enough to be traumatic and it's Dean's "I'm doing 1 good thing for myself today" personal quiet method of getting better in the long slow aftermath that Sam wants to rush.

-

"GET THIS" Sam is on full on Sam-ing

-

Awww Jack's watching DVDs. I assume Sam HAVING a stash of DVDs is stuff he's collected as an adult with a Bunker to go on a nostalgia kick. I assume they have a PO Box pretty much for Sam's Amazon deliveries. Like, he hasn't been lugging DVDs around with him since the start of the show and before that they had a bunch of VHS tapes in the back of the car or something :P They grew up dependant on what was on motel TVs and picked what they liked to come back to as adults with a settled address.

Also: the clouds part and bestow on us: a thing Sam likes!!!! That's like at least 4 songs, a couple of movies including Star Wars stuff, HP Lovecraft, and now liking old bad fantasy movies that even Dean judges him for.

Or, I assume, Dean has watched and may or may not reference if the opportunity came up but he needs to box something off as Sam's weird nerd shit that makes him unappealing to the ladies, while Dean, obviously, has never liked anything nerdy, and has had lots of straight edge manly sex with women and all comments about Zorro masks are stricken from the record.

Sam, being in a magnanimous, my brother is grieving, mood, just literally takes the hit and keeps going. Jesus Christ Sammy.  

I would swear he's worn his worst plaid today just to give Dean something else to judge him for :P

-

Oh uh anyway point is Jack is being stashed in the Bunker just like Sam once stashed Cas with his netflix. Sam's being responsible for the pop culture education of 2 generations. At least Netflix lets you pick whatever you want once Sam's not trying to be helpful, and in 11x06 Dean related to Cas to switching to bad TV, rather than watching Sam's picks of the good stuff you're meant to watch.

Less chance of Jack going on a complete rampage through trash TV, but still if nothing else Dean's hands-off approach to the kid means that Sam is being allowed to mould him however he likes :P

-

I just went back and watched again just because I realised the credits were ALREADY over after 5 names. It was like, J2, Misha (yay!) and 2 people I hadn't heard of who I assume are too important named characters in this episode to skip but also not reoccurring characters. I wonder what the slippery slope is when you don't put Lisa Berry's name in the credits of an episode you've advertised she's in. Even people who've checked on TV guides will know... But I guess you treat the episode as internally self-spoiling and ignore what everyone knows for the sake of the person who buys the DVDs and watches through without even reading the descriptions in the sleeve or whatever. Anyway glad she wasn't spoiled but it does make me like *itchy teeth* about Death being in the recap, because naaah. Naaaaaaah. NAAAAAAAH. they wouldn't. they're not. it isn't. She's making like, a hallucinatory cameo for theeeemes and I got to stick with that until the episode proves me wrong, never mind bringing Death back :P

-

As a fan of Death and the reapers (probably already a band name) I'm like... so on edge right now :P

-

Oh wait also Dean said "what about Jack" - he's using his name even to Sam now. Not teasing him about the anti-christ

-

Ya know, based on how beer for breakfast (name of my band) went over and letting Dean be Agent Page (oh the promo is so the breaking point - Dean already is calling him out on all this IN THE TEXT, using his words to point out the weirdness) I am actually thinking that Dean would have actually quite liked to go on another job with Jack. That he was starting to see the use of him and to warm up to him ever so slightly as a person since he showed effort and did a good job and saved Sam and dug the graves for them. I don't think Dean would ASK out loud but if Sam had said, "Jack comes and that's final" Dean would have done that face shrug expression and let it happen without much complaint.

Sam is bending to Dean's apparent desires and being like, well Dean doesn't like Jack, this could be a chance to get Dean out of the bunker without Jack and let him forget all his troubles for a bit...

-

Like, I don't wanna worry you Sam, but last time you decided you needed to cheer Dean up from his extra super special worries about Cas, you took him out into the woods for a fun werewolf hunt, got shot and strangled and had to kill literally every single werewolf in the episode with your bare hands while bleeding profusely from your stomach, while Dean had a random encounter with Billie in the depths of utter despair that he'd lost everyone he ever loved and the world was now going to end without you all.

Dean's a drama queen about a lot of stuff but when he tells Jack your plans don't usually work out, this is the sort of shit he's referring to :P

-

*Sam looks so freakin smug with himself walking off after the badge exchange and Dean's like... what. What?*

-

Poor kid with his great big bandage on his forehead.

He "can't even talk" because the trauma was so bad and we cut to him apparently drawing in his room, which makes me think right back to 1x03.

Omg lol of course Dean walks in the door alone to chat to him. And sees him drawing repeatedly the MotW. We bonding over trauma so bad we can't even talk about it again?

-

OH there's 3 boys. Shaun/Sean (I'm gonna pick Shaun because this is America and I assume you all don't spell stuff proper - FYI to Americans reading this, please remember to read this all in a shrill British accent, what what) and Evan who was presumably the one who died in the cold open, and Mike is the third, who they're inseparable from but was NOT there in the house with them that night, and by nightfall at the promo scene they had not spoke to him yet.

What a frikkin rug pull though, to have 2 boys in the open, so you think they're a duo of best friends, and it's like NO WAIT THEY COME IN THREES... Bahahahaha

-

Dean back upstairs with Shaun, and he's sat down to talk to him with a "you know" and at this point I am pausing and getting a stuffed toy because he's either gonna open up to a kid who won't squeal about it because he can’t talk, or say something completely awful because he's in an awful place and either way I don't need Emotional Honesty Hour from Dean Winchester at 9:30 in the morning without a friend :P

-

On no, Dean talking about knowing what it's like to be scared of monsters, but then trying to reassure the kid that he can at least make it go away PHYSICALLY even if the horrific psychological trauma can't be erased. Comforting!!

-

Promo sceeene!

Which we already picked over but aw yeah so Shaun didn't tell Dean anything after all, except for the plague doctor drawings (and he didn't show he had the mask with him? Really?? Did he drop it earlier?) so Dean really did just open up to the kid about understanding his pain but being the thing monsters are scared of... A better Dean pep talk than Patience got at least, since Shaun was a regular victim and Patience might have been angling to join the life... and it mostly just served to make him say that :P

-

Since I've been barrelling through all the Wayward Sisters old episodes this month, I am reminded that I spent a good long while wallowing in Yockey vs Sam knowing Dean's porn habits and outing them to Jody in 12x06... 

I think Sam trying to make the sacrifice to go to a strip club with Dean (and I can't believe this is the third time I'm putting myself through watching this exchange because omg second hand awfulness and yet I went back and watched it twice it was so good) probably fits under this characterisation umbrella. 

Of Sam vs performing Dean, as much as the callbacks to season 1 and Dean vs Sam's Jess grief that I was talking about last night thanks to an anon nudge. And parallels to 12x16 and their chat about the swimming pool outside a similar hotel set (although this one is infinitely lower rate :P) - the writers playing with the knowledge that Sam and Dean have grown up completely latched onto each other like this and Sam's been dragged to strip clubs by Dean almost certainly and they just kinda know more than they want to about the other's personal habits, and they have low, bad boundaries. 12x16 was asserting some back, letting them have separate rooms, and showing Sam grossed out by the thought of Dean skinny dipping which, I mean, fair (if you're Sam anyway :P) but they don't really GET those boundaries. 

So there's some re-poking season 12 specific themes here as well, just in that Sam, who has historically had his own walls up about Dean's porn and interest in strip clubs (because they're extremely not his thing) is willing to cross a line for Dean and just go with Dean to a strip club and buy him a lap dance from a place with a decent online review. Which also shows low bad boundaries that he would try and manipulate Dean back to happiness this way, just like in 1x19 especially, Sam had to angrily re-assert his boundaries about Dean constantly trying to set him up with Sarah, and Dean had to point out he has a stake in Sam's sex life too, even if it's just having to put up with Sam being cranky and miserable. Historically, Sam having to put up with Dean's sex life is considerably more on the "ugh, TMI" range for him :P

-

... sorry, yelling "promo scene!!" usually means I stop analysing for a moment and just watch, because I already went over this ground last night, but I guess there's more untapped depths :P

-

Holy shit, though in the reaction shots for Dean after talking about the Clam Diver, he's standing with his back to some stuff that on my screen makes a beautiful bi flag. What the hell. I was thinking how colourful the backdrop was last night but...

I mean that's the blurry background to his close ups on this.

I THINK it's just the road lit up behind him but oh gosh getting it in the background of the shot for THIS conversation about the Clam Diver? GUYS what are you DOING. 

Who directed this??

I overshot and landed on "how you ever got laid" "heh, tell me about it" I can't BELIEVE, STILL that Sam just gave him that win. For some reason it reminds me of Swap Meat where he judges Gary for being a virgin based on the Star Wars stuff, even though Sam is an established Star Wars nerd of more than the general audience variety, and mostly likely read the old tie in novels :P Sam owning that his nerdy interests as a teen didn't exactly make him very sexy is probably the most frank thing he's ever admitted to Dean and he's just trying to help Dean. 

(Tbh, again, it may have helped Dean more if Sam just reacted all prickly and got wound up, which is generally what someone teasing wants - a reaction, not rolling over and showing your tummy. Anyway more on the pile of Yockey probing their sex lives in relation to how they see each other, with Sam letting Dean be the one with the more manly sexy interests and letting the performing Dean layer that all comes from win, and then trying to pander to it some more by looking up places to make Dean feel even more manly and in control)

And holy crap I'm glad I have no yoga today because Yockey's got me talking in loops and I've been back to this conversation in the kitchen 3 times and it's nearly 10am and I've made such bad progress. Mental contortions instead :P

Ooooh directed by John Showalter. I'm pretty sure he's been around for aaaages and contributed more than his fair share of nonsense... :P

I just looked him up on the superwiki, saw he directed the episode with HP Lovecraft (and that ridiculous "I was busy having sex with women" or whatever line about Dean not reading the novels) and basically I am gonna hit the brakes on this thought and just watch the episode or I'm going down a rabbit hole I don't come back from until 11am :P

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Oh but the thing I was trying to confirm was... Not that I knew I was looking for it except in the most abstract sense that I was thinking of it in one hand and thinking maybe there was something by this director in the other without realising it was the same hand... the blue & red light falling on Dean in 10x16 which looks an awful lot like the bi flag and shortly preceded Dean confessing all that delicious confessional stuff?

Yeah guess which director according to Superwiki.

Now i'm done.

-

I want to know what metric The Clam Diver got "four and a half" of on whatever site Sam was reading about it.

That's in Sam's browser history.

-

"Is it my birthday? Did I win a bet that I don't know about??"

"I'm just trying to be nice."

"W h y."

"Because..... you know why."

"I'm f i n e."

Sam, back off, he's gonna stab you :P

-

I got to ask... is the automatic door not working an improv because the door broke, or thematically relevant, because that's the sort of random thematically relevant detail I could have a nerdgasm about for absolutely hours of typing while Sam is harassing Dean into the building talking about him not believing in anything. The higher powers aren't doing shit for Dean even when he waves at where he thinks the sensor should be, so he gives up and just opens the damn door himself.

The door has a sticker that says, quite clearly, "warning automatic door" and at the very least for the shortsighted is a great big yellow warning sticker on it, so I'm gonna have to go that they're signposting that it's supposed to open, so this is something either scripted or added with full intent to metaphor and my brain hurts.

-

Sam is trying to understand this massive great big VOID of misunderstanding and it's... frankly awful. He's babbling about his understanding about Dean and his confusion

"You're not, Dean. you said you don't believe in anything, and that's not true! you-you-you do believe in things, you believe in people, that's who you *are*, that's what you DO. I know you're in a dark place and I just want to *help*"

This is telling us a lot more about how Sam sees Dean than Dean's faith arc. Of course Dean believes in people and saving people and that the planet is worth saving. That's a baseline assumption around here. Dean and *faith* though, in believing in things, in how the universe treats them... it doesn't even open automatic doors for them. Cas is DEAD. Cas is where Dean's belief arc centred in the last minute of 4x01 and Cas is where it has freakin' remained for the next 9 years. Cas lost faith in God and Dean chucked away the amulet because he lost faith in everything - Cas and Sam and himself and their ability to save the world that didn’t want to be saved. Cas became God and Dean lost all hope he may have had left. Cas came BACK to Dean and his faith was restored but in THEM. GOD came back and Dean and Cas had similar and unchanging positions on it right down to Chuck basically telling Dean not to confuse him with his own father, but the ridiculous superimposing over John over Chuck and Chuck as Cas's failed father who Cas now just ignores outright and Dean lashes out on his behalf because he knows Cas doesn't believe. That Chuck broke Cas back in 5x16 and... Yeah. Cas is gone now and what does Dean even have left in his personal faith? Chuck didn't answer, the automatic door won't open even when he waves at it...

Sam sees Dean as having no faith in God (while Sam has had the much more complicated journey there with his personal faith, and feeling it in a religious way) but instead he tries to get a read on Dean's personal compass, and god dammit Yockey *takes a shot* in Wendigo of course Dean sits down with Sam and tells him HIS personal philosophy on why he does what he does: saving people, hunting things, the family business. The thing is, Dean has already in this episode reached out to Shaun and described himself and Sam as the people who know about the monsters, the ones who can't erase the trauma but they can erase the monster, and help what little they can there... Save *other people* from it - yeah it's a message full of regret and defeat that Shaun already got hurt and that's probably why Dean couldn't get him to open up because he didn't come in bubbling with wide-eyed optimism about saving the day, but heavy eyes that had seen this too much. But oh does he still care about the people, and saving them. He just doesn’t trust what HE can do, what they can do against the tide of awful. It's not in his speech to Patience, because it's not the motivation to be a superhero any more - he is just a guy doing a job. And he's lost his heart in many ways. But he will still fight to protect and help people because baseline, Sam is right, that IS Dean and even damaged like this he'll go on hunts and protect people. Take Jack into the Bunker with them in 13x01 expecting it to be a self-destruct thing where base case scenario they can take Jack out with them or something and contain the blast...

But yeah. 13x04 expressly ended linking Dean's lack of faith, via dramatic cast-iron irony, to Cas coming back as Dean voices what losing Cas has done to him.

And then Dean gets to say his bit -

"We've been down this road before, and I've fought my way back and I'll fight my way back again" which HONESTLY echoes Cas in the Empty telling his depression to stuff it and that he'll fight and fight for eternity if he has to.

Dean is trying to get better, he made himself a PB&J, he's just taking this all at his own pace, and Sam's starting to smother him.

-

"How?"

"Same way I always do: bullets, bacon and booze." Dean regrets his no bumper sticker policy because that and the "whole bottle of Jack" comment from last episode are both iconic Dean talking about his coping methods out loud way.

Also throws back to 10x11 and how Dean did that list of 3 things which he was getting back to when he lost the Mark and left a blank space which should have been "babes" or something and just put more booze into it. The swap of sex for food happens a LOT with Dean. For some reason the Dean vs cake explanation I wrote recently was floating around tumblr again last night, in which the middle of season 10 conveyed clearly that cake was stuff Dean hadn't tried yet (and 10x16's confession tied it all together - we're really delving deep into the stuff that was explored back then and I've thankfully been in fandom for so have the language down really well but I hope I don't have to explain this entire complicated web over and over later :P) and pie was coping methods heterosexual sex with women - tying what Dean wanted in 10x07 in the hook up he didn't get, to pie in 10x13 via that gross dating app... All this with the cake, croissookies, and that comment in 10x11 where Dean was trying to detox and eating egg white omlettes (hi 12x18) and cutting out booze.

And, of course, there's the whole bacon = bisexual experimentation thing from 8x13, 9x13, 11x21, and I guess now :P Cass had a much more thorough bacon masterpost somewhere out there which I may have to dig out and reblog with a knowing look...

-

And Dean slams his hand down on the bell to punctuate this statement and hopefully bring an end to the conversation by summoning a hotel receptionist.

-

Cue screaming kid having nightmares about what he's seen.

His mom kisses him on his forehead where the doctor drilled him, and leaves the door open so she can be concerned about him.

Oh no, his backpack DOES have the mask in it. Dr Monsterface used it to get to him :<

(Oh wait hi yes that thing Jody said about the Dr Sexy leviathan in 7x02 is still fresh in my mind. Leviathans as a depression metaphor in a way The Empty rapidly escalated.)

-

I saw/maybe reblogged a post about how Jack might have Kelly used against him and 13x04 was the nice version, but he's going around carrying his grief about her in a backpack. We have to hope like hell Mia gave him catharsis enough or he might carry that grief with him and things can use her image to get into his head.

(That and the 2x "shoot him!" order about Dean from Miriam and Buddy to the sheriff and Mia, 2 people who wanted to help, are causing foreshadowing concerns)

-

I love the cuts between the doctor coming for Shaun, though - the bell ending one conversation to Shaun waking up screaming, and then he gets up and pretty much goes to confront the doctor head on rather than cower - but cut to an empty bed.

-

Dean's empty bed, but he seems to have left the keys?

-

Ah, he went and had some, uh, catharsis somewhere. I swear to god those are probably the sunglasses from 1x19 dug up again and stuck on his head just to haunt Sam.

-

The fact his tie is tied around his head makes me feel like he was probably blindfolded at some point in all that... Hehehe. I doubt his tie is tied so nicely around his head with a pretty bow because he did it to look cool :P It would just be the same knot but on his head in that way.

-

Sam's like "oh great" but doesn't kick Dean awake? Like on a normal day when dumping a glass of water on his face and telling him to suck it up would be the correct thing, Sam's like, "Sam's got this!" goes and gets dressed, takes the keys, and leaves Dean passed out on the floor. In 1x19 he hit the horn to wake Dean up because serves you right.

-

(if he only went to a strip club he may have just made off with someone's underwear thrown on him for being a good tipper rather than actually having sex with anyone... I kinda doubt if he was THAT drunk he'd be more than a very generous customer they don't mind kicking him out at closing with a bra still on his head :P)

(I'm gonna assume Dean did not actually have sex but just went out and had some very drunk miserable fun and made a friend last night and now he's gonna be dependant on Sam for cash for a while until he can scrounge some back up :P)

Also, um, what is he holding when he rolls over? Is that a fun kinky times toy whip? Exactly what sort of place did he find last night, and please, for the love of god, tell me it was not the place Sam was diligently reading the reviews for between his fingers yesterday, apparently.

-

Listen say whatever you want about the fact he walked home holding it, if that boy had his tie tied around his eyes he was not the one holding it while he was having fun :P

-

I like Mike. He's a burly farm worker hefting hay outdoors in the sun, which makes him like 3 different directions of Cas parallel (the strong one in the dynamic, sun, hay), and also he was sensible enough not to be running around in a haunted house for youtube hits.

...

Look, at some point Cas hefted a bunch of hay out of the back of his truck and onto the side of the road and that happened in canon and no one ever mentioned it

thank you Yockey for acknowledging off-screen hay hefting.

-

Aw no he's lying because he's scared and Sam makes him tell the truth and it's that he WAS scared and he thinks not going to the house was cowardly, but now his friends are missing and hurt (so far as they know because Shaun getting killed overnight might not have made it to them yet)... He does tell the truth in the end. He's also in DEEP denial about their deaths.

-

Is that enough bacon, Dean.

-

No, no it is not.

-

Sam, you're gonna kill him if you give him more beer right now. Is he smuggling local ales to Dean?

I don't think I can actually watch Dean eat this entire pile of bacon with Dean's bad mood eating habits. This pause is just to procrastinate dealing with that.

-

Wait also the friend is called "Mike" which, uh... Michael? is a thing we should be more worried about? What happened to that guy anyway?

-

Man, we're 16 minutes in and where's Billie?

-

I feel like Dean being hung over for the rest of this case is probably not going to help with him getting caught and threatened with a drill by a regular old ghostie.

-

I'm snooping Sam's tablet before he delivers the cliff notes exposition, and aside from the creepy images at the top, including an old school newspaper article in the top image results that is illegibly small, but seems to have photos of the doc alive, the first and only legible article mentions a woman with depression who goes to the doc because she had depression because her son drowned... Which makes 2 son drowning deaths in 2 episodes, with the kid in 13x04 who killed his mom in the car. Also reminds me of 7x14 where when Dean confronts the guy behind all the nightmares, it's because his little brother drowned in the sea and he could never let go of that guilt. 

I think drowning is the metaphor for depression here - people losing a part of themselves metaphoric to small son, who is overwhelmed in the water... Dean related to that loss and used it against the Plucky's guy, and that was in the slight turn around section of season 7 - the part where he began confronting the loss of Cas through mirrors because of course Cas was coming back. In season 13 the plan has been set in stone and can be done briefly and with HEAVY dramatic irony that we're all aware of because we only actually have 1 episode without Cas so far, even if 1 was his death and one was his waking up, he's surrounding Dean's grief in a layer of dramatic irony. Dean may be overwhelmed and drowning. We may have SEEN the memory of Cas drowning in the Empty, but it's all done with dramatic irony, that Cas is not lost to Dean but presumably finding his way back.

-

Dean had better not puke at the grieving mother's house after all that bacon and beer for breakfast after a hard night out.

-

I love the cut between Sam asking what happened in one scene and the woman saying "I don't know" in the next - there's some good thematic transitions I've noticed already, especially this way of skipping exposition here, but I liked Dean ringing the bell for the hotel and Shaun waking up screaming, because Dean was about to go out on his grief metaphor night out and for all I know get the sexy kind of drilled while Shaun was getting the unsexy kind... and then the cut to Dean's empty bed, because this is how bad his grief was hurting him.

(Also after Sam tried to control and placate Dean's grief, he resisted Sam's attempts to smother him but he still has been accepting the offers, and did eventually go out and get wasted and Sam had encouraged it - just Dean did it on his terms and without Sam, just his tacit approval that Sam wouldn't bitch about it.)

-

ALSO WOW AFTER 13 YEARS YOCKEY FINDS A WAY TO SUBTLY WORK IN THE COLD SPOTS FOR GHOSTS.

-

LOOK HOW INTELLIGENT THAT MAKES OUR BOYS LOOK WHEN THEY READ THE SUBTEXT OF A SCENE FROM A SURFACE READ OF SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT GHOSTS BUT IDENTIFIED THE SIGNS AND THE PEOPLE WHO KNEW WHAT TO LOOK FOR COULD UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS HAPPENING WITHOUT HER SAYING IT AND NOW THEY KNOW EVERYTHING JUST FROM INFERRING IT

WOW

-

Night time and they go to the house and we're at 18 minutes in. I mean we have time for a jump scare, some bad shit to happen, and then the ad break before pt.2 of the episode.

-

Buzz buzz

-

"What's up, doc?"

-

*ad break*

*back to Dean getting drilled*

-

Sam saves him and on with pt.2 of the episode.

-

All the masks are back in place.

-

Oops, don't touch the masks. *horrible screaming from elsewhere in the house*

-

Well, except to burn them. Sensible to stay in the room, defend their turf, and get to the burning asap instead of poking around or investigating the screaming any more. 13 years and they have learned a fair amount about ghosts and I am admiring how competent they are. Sam especially has the lead here, probs because Dean is off his game by an enormous degree to him.

-

Ahahah and Sam did a round circle at the door so we see the doc get partway through the door, realise there's salt, and have to awkwardly back out of it to have a second go and honestly that is the funniest shit a ghost has ever done on this show even though it's also terrifying :P

-

*burn burn burn*

-

So rescue Shaun?

-

What can possibly happen next with nearly 20 minutes left

-

LIGHTS BLOWING DOWN A HALLL

-

Now they dealt with the advertised ghost I'm just waiting for Billie to show up, because they're about to be mobbed by a ton of ghosts and she can save their asses, or else... well idk I have to watch, but I'm just laughing because of lights blowing down a hall - 3 times already this season, for Jack, for Patience at least with them flickering rather than exploding like this...

-

These are all the whispers about the doctor which we heard in the cold open

-

I love the Winchesters running around shouting sensible ideas about what the ghosts are doing though.

-

Is this going to be Dean's torch everything solution?

-

YIKES, no, it's 4x15/11x17. BAD IDEA, DEAN. i can't believe he even carries a pre-prepared take me to the veil kit. Like, that's the reckless nothing to live for might as well die trying to do something dramatic toolkit. We also get shades of 11x16 with him doing that in a super haunted house.

You can NOT pass into the veil in a super haunted house with just your brother to watch over you and stop these 1000s of ghosts killing you.

Jesus Christ Dean.

-

Wait is he literally doing this

-

Sam is like FFUCKING HELL RIGHT HERE WITHOUT EVEN A SALT RING? ON THE FUCKING STAIRS UNDER THIS SYMBOLIC STAINED GLASS WINDOW THAT LIZZY DIDN'T ANALYSE EARLIER?

DEAAAAN

-

And yeah this is 2x01 all over again with Dean walking down the stairs trying to get the attention of a ghost.

-

Wait back up new reaper with a customer service calm grief counsellor voice, but what did she say her name was? :P

"Hello, my name is JESSICA and I'm here to lead you to your next life"

... well I hope she survives the episode just because I always root for the reapers and she's clearly just a random obstacle to Dean who is doing her job, a regular old part of the natural order, but that is not a name you use at random :P

-

I'm just sitting here running my hands through my hair trying to deal with this right now. Gonna play a few rounds of Pokemon shuffle because I sort of knew this was coming since they showed 5x15 and 2x01 in the opening recap, but the way Dean did it and then walking immediately into a Jessica? Yeah I need a mo.

-

Dean maybe never told Sam what he did in 11x17 because he didn't at the end of the episode and idk if that's one of those things you don't just bring up at the breakfast table.

-

JESSICA.

-

"Hi, I'm the spectre of the loss of the most important romantically loved loved one in your life, do you feel like moving on from them to the next thing"

"sorry I can't come to the phone"

-

YOCKEY I AM DISTRESSED.

-

Accidents don't happen accidentally.

-

"Oh god."

She knows what she's got herself into.

-

Sam takes 20 seconds to set his waych and sdakdfjgkl hang on who cares about Sam

WE'RE IN REAPER HQ

-

"Dean Winchester is the the veil!"

Please say this whole thing goes to red alert.

-

Where's his file. It it like 5000 times the size of all these little ones?

-

Sam put down enough salt for Dean but not himself.

-

I don't think that's ghosts blowing lights any more, I think that's emergency lightning from the cosmos.

-

SHAUN! Oh no, you're dead :(

-

At least he's talking again.

-

Generally the freshest ghosts are the more talkative ones, and as Bobby showed us back in 7x19 which I generally try not to remember or rely on for ghost lore, because the older ones are fading and falling into patterns and the fresher ones still have a stronger sense of self and their old life.

-

OH NO Shaun got possessed because of course that's how he got back here with the mask. I think we saw a smaller ghost in a t-shirt in some of the promo stuff, but I thought it was a kid, not a teenager.

-

"I miss my mom" he's on the other side of the grief from Jack, who misses his mom because he's alive and she's dead. The doc said he'd feel better and he froze and let him kill him. Also Kevin parallels just of a kid whose most important relationship is his mom and now he's dead.

-

Dean's thinking clearly for the first time in a while because he's not in his body. All soaked in alcohol and grief. He realises he let Shaun down by not being there to protect him. Which may have all happened this way in another episode, but that PB&J, man. It was a Kevin thing all along. (I SAID it was a Kevin thing and you all were like blah blah Cas blah blah Jack, look, don't doubt me on my Kevin knowledge, guys, I am still RAW about his death and it was 4 years ago :P) Dean's remembering in the middle of grief that it's "saving people hunting things" after he let Patience down with that speech. Or so I hope. They used Dean's speech over the open of the episode like in a season 1 episode they'd usually layer the more optimistic and simplistic "saving people hunting things" from Dean's like, second day on the job, not where he's all messed up and old.

Anyway Shaun is an emergency Kevin patched into his life to make him feel bad about failing people, and I guess that puts Dean at similar crossroads to the middle of season 9. Hopefully to a different end, just like this should be subverting 11x17 for why he just abruptly decided to cross into the veil, because Jessica is not having a good day :P

-

DEAN GOING INTO THE VEIL TO HELP LOST PEOPLE is doubling up the job of a reaper. Reapers CAN'T COMMUNICATE across the veil to the living, and don't wanna solve the cases. They come to move on the one person with a ticket upstairs in a house full of hundreds of ghosts and just ignore them... Dean actively dives into their turf to solve the case and find out how to move the souls on. He SAYS he wants to help move the souls on.

I have such a huge love of Dean blurring the lines with being Death, and being a reaper. It's just such a symbolic thing. Their job is moving people on, basically handing souls to the reapers to carry on the job, when it's ghost cases. They're the human agents of the reapers breaking the ties that hold ghosts to the earth so that the whole process can carry on and the world doesn't fill up with ghosts - like it did when the veil was broken. (or is it still? Again, the whole Kevin thing not quiiiite answered, although maybe/maybe not that was a sign Chuck was fixing the thing... But then there were a whole bunch of souls Billie for for them out of the veil like 2 episodes later...)

-

Reaper lore is fucked up on this show :P But Reaper HQ just in the first glimpse looked aaaawfuully empty adjacent...

-

I'm guessing even though Dean's got back with the info he needs, and Sam's about to wake him up because the clock ran out, the reapers are going to intervene...

-

WAKEY WAKEY DEAN

-

Oh look Billie's back.

"Hey Dean"

-

I haven't been this happy in about 1000 years. Like seriously Cas getting back was great and all but HOLY SHIT have you seen Billie? I would set this as my desktop immediately but my mum and Cat are both gonna have to watch this episode with me and probably see my desktop in the process, so... Saving a screencap for later ;)

-

This is literally the best thing.

LOOK AT HER.

LOOK AT THAT SCYTHE. HOLY SHIIIT THAT SCYTHE.

-

Billie's understated attitude is just *clenches fist*

She just shows up!! LOoking LIKE THIS!!!!

I don't even wanna hit play, I don't wanna move past this point, I just want to bask in this one image forever.

-

THE COAT. NO one has shown up in a floor length leather coat in the entire show so far, because no one has been good enough for it.

-

"We need to talk" Yeah no shit babe.

-

LOL getting right to it - Dean like, Cas killed you. Billie like, "how's that working out for him?" - does she know? Either way, she's rubbing it in. Because of course she has eeeevery right to be pissed. :P

-

UTTER GLEE.

-

I have a sudden feeling... Billie says, "certain rules - after you kill one "incarnation" of Death" (Hey 1000 points to trisscar) "another one takes its place" and dude.

Death died and within 10 seconds Billie was singing "o Death" and following the Winchesters around, annoying them, making deals with them, making ultimatums with them... Like, the reapers aren't exactly itching to kill EACH OTHER and promote someone, and I guess just one biting the bullet and taking one for the team doesn't work... But this suddenly explains EVERYTHING about Billie getting all up in the business of the people who basically fuck up every deal and ally they make and hanging out with them... doesn't give you much of a life span.

Back in 12x06, Billie taunted Dean, made fun of him for not getting what he wants, and said she wanted something from him. Came to Mary and said she was there to reap her when she was ready. She LET Dean make another deal, a deal where one of his family would have to die, or he himself do it. In a car full of Winchesters, one of them is gonna take one for the team, or ruin everything and kill the reaper who's been bothering them, holds so much over them...

-

I'm thinking very hard about changes of state right now - that Billie and Cas had mirrored deaths, and Billie came back improved, and Cas... Well, we don't know how he came back except he's been put on a better path, for his character narrative, in confronting and overcoming the symbolic depression, and he has a better coat. Not much to go on yet, and I haven't been participating in the wild flailing about all the ways he MAY have come back different, but this makes a veeery interesting mirror about returns and changes of state, upgrades after death. Now I'm interested in what may have happened to Cas.

-

But, like, to a magnitude of difference to how utterly delighted I am that Billie won the game :P

-

But yeah this is a bit of a lore fudge but who caaaares because it brings Billie back and powers her up and makes her into THE BEST CHARACTER ON THE SHOW IN A TOTALLY INARGUABLE WAY.

-

I love her new ring :P

-

"This universe can be so many things, and sometimes it is poetic."

Hell yeah it is Billie. I've been saying so for ages, but this really puts it in such a beautiful way. This is Dabb's entire job. He makes this universe *rhyme* with itself. This is what his mirrors and parallels and character repeats have been doing. I even compared scene transitions in 13x03 to the way poetry ends each line in a verse. It's something all the writers have been doing - making the story rhyme.

Gaaaaah. THIS is Dabb's writer meta commentary, perhaps. I think I can trust Yockey to spell it out this way :D

-

She took him to Reaper HQ!!! Like Cas he's passing through states - I assume he'll be back in time to finish the hunt, but in the mean time... He's got to work through some shit, just like Cas did last episode. Rhyming with each other.

-

Dean is wearing a black and grey plaid with thin red lines, and a black jacket. He's bringing like the only colour here to all the blackness.

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yeah, Billie, keep the scythe away from him.

-

I love she set her desk up in the W section because even though it's not the middle of the alphabet, she's keeping a CLOSE FREAKING EYE on the Winchesters.

-

Ooh she knows Dean went to the AU... She's interested in Jack. Dean's chance to protect him!!!???

-

Billie looks INCREDIBLE how did I ever let myself talk myself into doubting she was here to run the game?

wait shit Dean's doing epic character stuff. Not bargaining with his life, or asking for Mary or Cas back. He just wants to complete the job and free the ghosts because freakin sshdfkjsjlks PB&J brought him back to his senses and he needs to save Kevin-stand-in rather than let him wallow in the veil for 3 seasons again

THAT is one heck of a thing, Dean. I love you so much

not as much as billie but it was a beautiful character moment

-

Billie is STUNNED.

-

Jessica gets to take all the ghosts back. She thought this was going to be a terrible day and it actually worked out.

Again, with like 10 minutes left of the episode so this isn't how it ends.

-

Now Dean's talking about trust, and Billie brings up how they keep breaking cosmic bargains. I think he may be stalling - even planning to NOT give up Jack even though Billie went first... Or he's gonna tell her but... Natural order? She can't just go... kill him...

If Dean's still uncertain about Jack he could always make a query about IF she could kill him, but not give away enough, or have her as the weapon in his back pocket should Jack be a problem... something for him to regret later, maybe?

-

This is stressful

-

Dean spills. "Lucifer's son. Jack. When he was born it created a little rip."

-

What does Billie know about the AU?

Well she knows how the multiverse works, and she knows a "big dumb Winchester" is fairly statistically likely to be the one to knock it all down.

The warning not to try and get Mary back? Now Cas is back? The consequences may still be on Mary, however she's returned to them, intentionally or not, she could topple it?

Ugh I hate spec but all these lines are so leading :P The comment that Sam's plans don't work out, in this light, for example, is realllly nerve-wracking. And we know from spoilers the AU is going to become a more immediate problem at some point...

-

"That does sound like us."

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"You've changed." Billie reading Dean deeply and now we get to the character part of this where she's just... analysing him.

"The Dean I know and love" look I'm die hard Destiel to the bone but Dean x Death is something I've always thought the dynamic for was absolutely stunning since their first meeting, and I hate to say it but making Death into Billie is making it aaawfully tempting to ship :P

Please show him his massive folders.

-

She's currently just calling him out on how bad he feels. Pure awful character exposition.

-

"I don't matter." OH DEAN NO.

He and Cas totally rhyming with each other about their passing through these dark other worlds...

Dean couldn't save mom, he couldn't save Cas, he can't even save this kid... But he already saved the kid with that bargain with Billie, and Cas is... out there somewhere. And Mary is a whole other problem and the one he can't solve right now. If she's alive, she's on the other side of a wobbling house of cards he can't touch. But the difference in the way he gets finality on Mary vs the finality on Cas? 13x01 vs this episode as Dean slides from dealing with Cas to dealing with Mary? Getting this blunt exposition from Billie about it...

I think Billie would have thought it was funny to show Dean his file, but then realised because he's changed she needs a different approach to intimidate and interrogate him. She sees that he doesn't feel like a hero any more, not the guy who saves the world. All his crushing losses have made him feel like he's still utterly helpless to make anything good happen in his own life.

And Dean can't work through it, won't work through it, and he knows it - this is the thing that has broken him hardest... That at this point there will be NO recovery except the story handing back Cas to him, and even then that's one hell of a shake to what he believes he can accomplish... If they wanted to scare him back down from "i kill gods" Dean who then went and killed Death too, to show him the universe his huge, and keeps on ticking and his actions have put Billie in charge and the natural order keeps on ticking... But he still can't get mom and Cas back...

-

I am literally sitting in that room in Alice in Wonderland where she's floating around on her tears.

I mean in my head, anyway :P

-

My heart is broken.

Billie's "don't you?" though when Dean says he doesn't matter... I wonder what she knows that Dean doesn't :P

But Dean starts ranting to her about how Sam's been trying to help and he's useless... :(

"You really believe that. You want to die." Well, yeah the universe has become a crushing hard place where no one makes sense and Dean doesn't even believe in the blaze of glory death, doing something HEROIC now, let alone not believing in it because he thinks he deserves better and a happy ending at the end of this all...

Lowest point, unlocked! \o/

-

Oh, ALL those notebooks are his individual deaths... How he dies. "heart attack. burned by a red-haired witch" HEY ROWENA

Are they potential deaths or ones still looming over him, disappearing as he passes those marks? Or are they his entire history of deaths not died?

-

"Unfortunately, none of these books say you die today"

....

So are they potential future deaths or what?

-

I mean, Billie just introduced hope to his life.

-

"I stand witness to a much larger picture" they could not have picked a better character to be Death. She has such DEPTH and WEIGHT to the way she speaks, and such an amazing calm, powerful aura of energy. I just love her so so much.

-

OH GOSH this camera angle with the scythe in the background behind Dean's face... Gotta save and remember to add that to this, because after telling him all the ways he dies, Billie moves onto his big picture cosmic weight. That he's important. And Dean has the scythe symbolically pointing at him as she talks, telling him he's at those crossroads of life and death but not today... Is this going to be a burden like the one Chuck laid on him, or Billie reminding him that a heroic life is not such a bad thing?

I really think this is one of the best episodes of the show and I got a few minutes left of it and don't know how this resolves :P

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SHE IS LITERALLY giving him the 4x01 Cas speech - "you have work to do" and telling him he's important, telling him he deserves to live... Kinda still like I hate you but you're important, and setting aside past grudges. There's more for him to do.

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"And trust me, having my eyes opened to the importance of any humans, especially Winchesters, is not a thrill." HA. yeah, she's an anti-Cas but she and Cas are literally bouncing off each other in the story anyway since he stabbed her and then got stabbed himself in turn.

Rhymes. Rules. Reason. Billie is the best character on the show and I love her.

-

"So, you wanna die, but I say, keep living." "Hmm."

This is NOT the same as what happened with Cas - but he may not remember it - but it works in sort of mirrored ways. Cas utterly defeats the Empty with his will to live, may not remember it, and may have to piece his newfound will to live together himself in this new hopeful return to life. I hope. Dean has no will to live, and orders of work and purpose are just the way his life goes, the orders endlessly being placed on his head by every cosmically powerful figure... God, Death that time in 6x11, Billie now, JOHN every day of his life from aged 4 to 27 and then one final order to haunt Dean to his first grave...

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"I need to know. My mom" *wakey wakey*

Oh, and there's the so far missing hope. She can't lie to him and say Mary's dead, so she cuts him off in indecision and uncertainty, and THAT, unfortunately, is a massive step  up from where he was in total despair that there is no one he can save...

And Cas may very well be back in his life to give him the hope that it can be done again by the end of this episode... Aaaaaaaaaaaah.

-

Anyway Dean goes wakey wakey at last and the house seems to be wrapped up, yay.

-

there's exactly 5 minutes left, which is always the omen. :P

-

Sam comforts Shaun's mom, and wanders through the scene, looking small in the chaos, to rejoin Dean at the car.

-

And like in 11x17 Dean lies again.

Sam is too smart for that, chases it up when Dean tries to brush it off as luck, and says that when Dean says they talk about it later, it means they won't talk about it and it's Dean's way of shutting off a conversation from ever happening...

Sam calling out their communication issues? I am LIVING

-

Dean glances at the mom, and is reminded that they do this job for a reason, that he bargained to save the souls of the children... Sold out the info about Jack for it...

"I saw Death. The Death."

*Sam does the eyebrows*

"He's dead"

"No she's not"

*EYEBROWS*

"it's billie"

And Dean goes on to even say that she wanted intel, and does Sam pick up on it?

... no he doesn't. He doens't ask or guess what it was...

Dean repeats the line about work to do, which is also, especially in the context of Sam and Dean talking, what they say in instances like for example 2x22 when Dean had just sold his soul for Sam, when they're about to go back to work with their regular job. The open the trunk of the car and look at their gear and announce they're going to go kick ass phrase. (Which, of course, in 4x01, Cas was subverting the context by saying it to Dean away from Sam, putting the burden on him - Billie at least made it about Sam and Dean both but that she was talking to Dean)

But they're sitting on the back of the car, keeping the trunk closed... Not moving on

And Dean starts talking about how he's not okay.

And how he always believed in what they did - saving people hunting things - that losing John or Bobby or people they cared about was a hit he could take for the higher purpose. Billie has just REMINDED him that he is bound to a higher purpose. But he's so lost, and he's lost people who he CAN'T lose. Mary and Cas at once is just TOO MUCH. It makes the universe cruel not poetic...

(I say, having it paused here but knowing Misha's in the credits again as an awful TEASE :P)

He just needs a WIN.

And he may just get one because he told 90% of the truth to Sam, conveyed exactly what was going on behind that line about not believing in anything from last episode, the power of which narratively brought back Cas because that was a huge step in his grief arc, to admit it. Now he's explaining it, telling Sam how badly it's all got to him...

Oh god where is Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas.

They're driving off and there's music, which... agh.

-

drive drive drive sexy car

-

Omg we're going back to the house... More grief on the mom for her son... Just really WALLOWING in how much loss hurts everyone, and even when the soul has moved on, that Dean got a win for their knowledge of the afterlife, that they know ghosts can go to a better place, the mom doesn't, she has lost Shaun and that's it for her. No closure, just pain.

-

drive drive drive

Billie reading Dean's book

-

I think Billie really has a huge interest in Dean... :P

-

drive drive drive... Okay so Yockey is the new Robbie montage guy.

-

Also Sam is asleep while Dean drives - this seems to parallel 12x20 where he was asleep and Dean checked his messages from Mary...

-

Bring bring?

-

BRING BRING.

Called that like a boss :3

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WHAT, NO "HELLO DEAN" ON THE PHONE?

FUCK YOU YOCKEY I TAKE IT ALL BACK I HATE THIS ENTIRE EPISODE

-

I mean there probably was one under the music if that was Cas...

-

Well this alley has that cross from 11x06, aka the start of Cas's depression arc, the one where Metatron was teasing him about a real life angel on camera...

-

drive drive drive

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Cross reflected in the car

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Hey, bison sign

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

-

Has he just been waiting at that phonebox for hours.

-

I'll just wait here then... I'll wait for you...

Well that got fucking tied up with a fucking bow, from all the left over crap Robbie left lying around.

-

God I don't even have anything to say... Cas waited. For Dean. Like the love ballad warned he would. Because he's Dean's real life angel, and Dean's win. It was FOR Dean. Dean's arc narratively brought Cas back into his life, but on Cas's side of the story they fully fleshed out the end of his depression arc and made Cas bring himself back on his own terms so it doesn't shove Cas into a subheading for Dean even when the bigger story is handing Cas on a plate back to Dean...

And that, my friends, was one hell of a fun game :P

[orionsangel86]

12x11 Episode Review - What a Ride That Was!

Having just completed my second watch of this episode I have to say I am slightly stunned. I guess the best way to put it is ‘not what I expected’. But then what did I really expect? I was expecting pain, heartbreak, drama, interspersed with some humour and a big “no homo” scene to counteract last episode. I was expecting some dudebro Dean to appease certain types of viewer, along with a nice helping of deep subtext into Dean analysis for us to eat up that would go straight over that type of viewers head. I was certainly not expecting… Larry.

I haven’t looked at tumblr yet, except to glance at my askbox. I assume that you are all suitably going mad over Larry. Over the implications of Larry. Over the sheer insanity of the episodes biggest innuendo fuelled moments and probably laughing about it. I expect a hundred gifsets. I want to reblog those gifsets. I am also sure that Larry has already been meta’d to death… But what’s the harm in a little more meta to add to the massive pile gonna do? Because I wanna meta the FUCK out of Larry.

But there is a lot more to this episode than just Larry. We did get heartbreak. We did get drama and we did get some really nice character moments. Rowena particularly was amazing this episode (who am I kidding though she is always amazing) and I loved learning more about her thoughts. Overall I think it was entertaining, though not one of the best episodes, but that could be because the writing was a bit sloppy and sometimes the story didn’t make sense. I’ll get to why in a bit. Let’s just say that Meredith Glynn isn’t my favourite of the new writers by any means. I didn’t even review The One You’ve Been Waiting For because I didn’t feel particularly inspired by it at all.

But having said that she gave us Larry, and for that I will forever be thankful… even if she didn’t intend for us to take it the way I have (and I am guessing most of you reading this have too).

Anyway, main points to take away under the cut:

Regarding Dean

Obviously the main point of the episode was to delve a little further into Dean’s head and explore a very unconventional and unexpected fear. The fear of losing ones memory is actually horrifying. It is even more horrifying because this is something that the majority of us will have had at least some experience being first hand witnesses to. I am of course talking about dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. My grandmother had it, and in the later days when she didn’t even know who we were it was completely heart breaking. The fact that this is something that many of us fear as we get older is something that certainly wouldn’t be lost on the creators of this show, and with many many references in the later seasons to Dean’s getting older (including one in this episode) it is quite a fitting topic to explore. What if he doesn’t go out with a ‘bang’ the Hunter way? What if they do both end up in the Lebanon retirement home where Mildred currently hangs out enjoying sunsets? What if Alzheimer’s becomes an actual legitimate fear for them? This is most definitely the episode that Jensen talked about at a recent con that explores a very big fear. Because this fear is huge and very prevalent in society. It also makes me think of the film The Notebook and how that story deals with a loved one having to watch the person they care about most in the world forget all about them. (FYI I have never been able to sit all the way through that film without crying even though I usually despise sappy love stories).

Dean’s whole existence in this show revolves around his love for his family. The found family that he keeps close by that is. Sam and Cas and now Mary are his world, losing that would utterly destroy Dean. It is why that scene in front of the mirror is so so heartbreaking to watch. Next to Larry, it is the most memorable moment. Though I do think that the deeper themes and meanings to this particular MOTW story were a bit lost in all of the lighter humour. Hence why I said I wasn’t a huge fan of the writing. It could have gone deeper, it didn’t quite reach the impact that Yellow Fever had even though it tried very hard to pay homage to it.

Starting at the beginning then, Dean wakes up after being wammied by some mysterious witchy guy with a bunny rabbit by his side. I don’t get the point of the rabbit at all. I’ll be honest. It was completely non relevant to the plot. I thought at first that maybe the witch had turned himself into a rabbit but it was literally there for us to all “aww” over. For that reason though, have a pic:

Awwwwwwwwwwwww so CUTE!

It was interesting that this scene came so shortly after the “then” sequence which included a young and much less gruff voiced Dean saying ““Why does a rabbit always get screwed in the deal? Poor little guy”. Have we had many other rabbit references in this show? I don’t think so… except maybe Bugs Bunny in Hunteri Heroici which immediately brings Cas to mind “So we are dealing with some insect-rabbit hybrid?” Though this episode does also feature a character happily watching cartoons so maybe the connection there is totally valid. Rabbits are also a symbol of fertility, spring, new birth and most obviously sex. In an episode absolutely chocablock with innuendo. That is also an interesting point. Though I have no idea how to connect it to anything else so I am just throwing all this stuff out there for you guys to pick at. By all means tell me if you have any ideas!

Dean losing his means of communication means reaching out to people in other ways… A lady with a pram comes by and rejects him as a bum. Gives him money instead of even trying to listen. A guy comes along with a dog (our famous white dog whose name I can’t remember) and gives Dean his attention… before doing some stretches, jogging on the spot and wiggling his hips. (I found this guys movement kinda um… suggestive when considered in the context of the rest of this fucking episode). Without going into too much detail here, I just thought I’d point out that Dean is rejected by the woman and child (traditional family) but accepted by the guy with the dog. Because of course he fucking is.

The waffle house brings us our first promo scene, but knowing the context now makes it so much clearer. I was guilty of making assumptions. Just like Sam does. Thinking that Dean went out, got drunk, had a one night stand… he did no such thing. The promo mislead us and I think it did so deliberately. It is getting clearer and clearer all the time that that version of Dean that Rowena so kindly spells out later in the episode “manners of a Neanderthal and the dining habits of a toddler” the “season 1” version of Dean, if you like, just isn’t the guy we see on our screen anymore. We aren’t getting these moments anymore. Have we even seen the Asian porn yet this season? Personally I hope it never makes another appearance.

Sam’s comment “Dean, you’ve had a good run, but maybe lets pump the breaks a little bit I mean you’re not 20 anymore…” is pretty much what I was thinking the whole promo. The waitress is far too young for him, that kind of behaviour fooling around in bars just isn’t really any kind of behaviour for a man his age, and in an episode with a heavy underlying theme that could easily be compared to the worst potential problems that come with growing older I don’t think it was accidental.

“I would be dead okay, I wouldn’t be Dory.”

“Dory?”

“Not gonna apologise for loving that fish. Not to you, not to anyone”.

I love that we have yet another thing to add to the list of things that Dean Winchester loves that don’t fit in with his macho image. This is wonderful. Dean likes Disney films. This is canon. If he can admit to loving that fish, this means that at times he will go out and watch Disney films and get excited about them and actually have strong feelings about them. Now I am totally headcanoning that he forces Cas to watch them with him and I BET that Cas’s favourites are The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast. Why I hear you ask? Because they would resonate with him. If you don’t get it, rewatch those movies from a destiel perspective.

“smooth like a Ken doll” This is the second time the show has compared Dean to a Ken doll. Probably just a tease at Jensen Ackles very perfect features, but I keep thinking about Ken from Toy Story 3 and after the Finding Nemo/Dory reference a moment ago I think it is valid. Ken in Toy Story 3 had a very... um... loud personality.

The cowboy bar… How do I even BEGIN to meta the cowboy bar? All I can say was this seems like the kind of place that Gabriel would send Dean in fanfiction to work on his gay panic before ultimately hooking up with Castiel.

The third place they come to (and I’ll talk about Sam’s lack of Dean knowledge a bit later) and the first thing we see is a shot of:

Well that’s a rather large phallic object hanging over the Winchesters heads! Yeah this is totally Dean’s kind of place. He does have a cowboy fetish after all. This sign also caught my eye:

Because Chuck is certainly off having some “R&R” right now with his sis… It also seems to be the kind of place that Chuck would have hung out in his stint living on earth… ya know, playing his music, since there is clearly a stage set up with band equipment, picking up girls… and guys. Like we are ever gonna forget that GOD in the Supernatural universe is bisexual.

Lets talk about Larry

Consider this a sub point to my “regarding Dean” point because it all technically falls under the same category.

“he’d ordered burgers to go, it was gonna be a minute, we were slammed, then you knocked back four shots of tequila? Put some “sick jams” on the juke and then you hit the bull.”

“oh yeah, you had the hots for larry as soon as you walked in”.

Now, there is innuendo, and then there is this line. Why give the mechanical bull a guys name? Specifically so you can make this into one big innuendo. This entire scene is about Dean riding dick. I’m sorry, deny it all you like but that’s the joke. That’s the bottom line (pun unintentional until reread then found hilarious). On checking my ask box yesterday once I first watched the episode this is what I got:

Thanks guys by the way for sending these. I am with you. Consider this review your asks answered if that’s okay (I’m being lazy because I still have a load of asks to answer and I have no idea when I’ll get to em). So Dean rode Larry. Haha. It gets brought up again later in the episode by Sam when he is trying to tease Dean about it. What I am interested in is Dean’s reaction. When Sam first asks “You rode Larry?” Dean hesitates, but he isn’t embarrassed. Yeah he’s still hexed at this point and regressing but he doesn’t get defensive about it. Just asks if he was good. This is then revisited later on once Dean is cured “I can’t believe you rode Larry” and Dean’s only defence is “I was awesome on that Bull… like a God.” Which is also a call back to Chuck again, in the bar that had a Chuck sign and really did seem to be Chuck’s kind of place… Is Dean like God? Well yes. For one thing they are both bisexual.

Perhaps mechanical bullriding isn’t seen as homoerotic in the kind of places where you would actually get mechanical bullriding. It could even be considered as a very macho thing to be able to “tame the bull”. But the way the episode frames it… the way they shove the innuendo at us over and over again. It is intentionally played out to be a gay joke. What I can’t decide is whether or not this is the creators joking along with us or whether they are doing it to take the piss. There is a level of regression here back to the pre carver era spn where the gay jokes were rife and not ever really taken seriously. Dean’s subtextual bisexuality used to be a joke in the show. It hasn’t been framed as a joke since pre season 8 and yet I can’t help but wonder if this new writer hasn’t yet got with the programme. Because Dean’s bisexuality is not a joke. Especially when this episode is framed by two very Cas heavy episodes, the first of which was loaded with destiel subtext that was deep, meaningful and very very serious. Looking at the promo for next episode, I have a feeling that we are only going to get more of that. So why sandwich a Dean episode full of gay jokes in between two Cas episodes full of serious destiel heavy storyline? If their intention was to make it into a joke again, they have failed. Because when taken with 12x10, the humour is stripped away and what is left is the viewer wondering whether Dean really does have a hankering for dick? Specifically Castiel’s. I know that my language here is very blunt. I also know that the chances are this review could find its way to some antis who would like to take the piss out of this… but seriously? Go ahead. Try. With the show playing up to the things we like, and with very little “no homo” moments to counteract it, I don’t see how you can view this any other way than the way we do.

Dean left Sam, went to this specific bar, had some Dutch courage and rode the bull. He also flirted with a waitress but that never went very far. His main concern was how good he was with Larry…How good his riding skills were… and spoiler alert… he was awesome.

(yes nonny - Dean could totally ride dick like a porn star. This is now true. Since we have seen him in action with our own eyes. Its not like most of those ‘Larry riding’ shots at the end even had the bull in them. It was all Dean from the waist up just having the time of his life and going up and down... up and down... like this wasn’t subtle. This totally wasn’t subtle.)

I also need to point out that all this happened before Dean got hexed. This was all Dean Winchester. This wasn’t performing Dean. The Dean who puts on a mask which half the time seems to be specifically for Sam. Nope. This was Dean as himself, the same Dean that owns booty shorts, likes ballet and has a thing for Dr Sexy.

The moment that the waitress says “you were…amazing” can be taken as the “no homo” to the Larry narrative of course. The way she says those words can easily be taken to be a comment on Dean’s sexual prowess. But its only there to cover up the underlining sexual nod to Dean’s “amazing” ability to ride the bull. The bull being called ‘Larry’ and therefore along with all the other phallic references this is, as I said previously, all one big “Dean rides dick” joke. And I can’t actually fucking believe the show did that.

Actually that’s a lie. I fucking well can. They have been flirting with this idea of Cas being a top and Dean being a bottom for AGES but THIS takes the biscuit.

So Dean rides dick. Thanks for confirming bottom!Dean show. Great job.

I wonder if even this went over poor ‘innocent’ Jensen Ackles head… Is he Charlton Heston? REALLY? Or is he 100% on board with this because how can you possibly act this out. INCLUDING THAT RIDICULOUS MONTAGE AT THE END and NOT see it? You do realise how fandom is gonna take this Jensen? You do realise this will probably DOUBLE the number of destiel fics where Dean is happily riding Cas’s dick all night long?!? (as a disclaimer here that is not what destiel fic is all about but there is still a lot of smut out there so I feel like the show is only encouraging this) (on the other hand I expect to find 20 12x11 coda’s on my dash where Dean goes home, finds Cas, tells him about Larry and how he wants to “show Cas his skills” *nudge nudge wink wink* and Cas will be like “oh. yes please!” and yeah... that happens. That totally happens.)

The other takeaway from this scene so loaded with meta potential is the waitress’s explanation of what happened. Because it seems weird and makes no sense. The question I’m sure a lot of people will be asking is Did Dean sleep with the waitress? But when you consider her explanation of what happened, how could he possibly have?

Ooh I actually got an ask about this too:

She said they were slammed, Dean had to wait for his burgers, hence he had time for 4 shots of tequila and a ride with Larry. So how did they get talking and “blew off some steam”? Because she didn’t even see him leave, it was her bartender that saw him run out of there like his pants caught fire (liar liar)

Is that the hint? Liar liar pants on fire? Was she lying about fooling around with Dean? If so why did she slap him earlier? She must have been insulted that he didn’t remember her and didn’t meet up with her later but it still doesn’t make any sense. How did she have time to fool around with Dean somewhere if they were slammed? If the place was slammed they surely wouldn’t have been able to find a quiet space to actually do the fooling around either? This whole thing smells like a lie and when you consider Dean’s later line “first action in I don’t know how long and its like it never even happened” seems to me that the writer wanted us to consider that maybe all is not a it seems. The only action Dean got in that cowboy bar was from Larry.

Consider another ask answered! Dean did not have sex with the waitress! They possibly squeezed in a kiss when she was on break but there is no way they had time to properly fool around.

Another thing I liked about this scene was the way the waitress then apologises for possibly taking advantage of Dean when he was “roofied”. After the mess and drama of the Amara stuff last season this is refreshing. Dean gets an apology for being sexually harassed, which from a meta perspective could also be the writer apologising for the Amara situation. I dunno if that’s really the case but I like the idea of it so I’m sticking with it.

Back to Regarding Dean

Once the Winchesters start tracing Dean’s steps into the forest Dean loses more memory. We have another call back to season 4 and Yellow Fever with the flashlight moment and Sam has to remind Dean what they do since he has now forgotten all about witches and monsters. The difference between his reaction to being a monster hunter here and in yellow fever is huge though. In yellow fever he thought they were both insane, horrified at the thought of actively going after these dangerous supernatural beings. In Regarding Dean he is excited about the idea, finds it awesome and calls them both “heroes”. It’s nice to know that without his memories of the horrible things they’ve done Dean is able to accept that he does something good and is able to be happy about that.

Another call back to season 4 with the mention of the Siren “Siren’s aren’t all hot chicks?” Nope. Sorry Dean some of them are hot guys who are totally your type. To bring up the Siren (an episode absolutely full of homoerotic subtext) in this episode (an episode absolutely full of homoerotic subtext) seems like another subtle nod to Dean’s bisexuality. Like a ‘hello! Remember this? Dean’s siren was a dude come on guys catch up!’ At moments like this I feel like the show is specifically trying to tell the audience what we (as fandom) already know. Dean is bisexual, like last episode they were trying to tell us that Cas is in love with Dean. This is all extremely promising.

THEN right after we are reminded of the Siren, but right before Dean totally randomly brings up Cas we get this:

I mean of course I was gonna bring up the handprint! Although I admit I have been lacking in my watchfulness lately for any hand or hand print symbolism in the show. But this is definitely meant to pique the audiences interest. Because why is it there at all? Why bother with the hand print if they are gonna find the sigil shortly after? It doesn’t seem to add much to the plot except to be there to ping a memory in Dean’s mind. Of Castiel.

“And our best friends an angel! Whaaaaatt!”

This is another season 4 callback after all. Season 4 being the season of Cas’s handprint. When their ‘profound bond’ was formed. There is no way this handprint isn’t supposed to invoke the memory of that most famous of handprints. Dean remembers Cas fondly. Even when he doesn’t remember him he still thinks he is awesome. This makes me so happy. As Cas fans we are so used to Cas just being forgotten about in MOTW episodes, but like I have been saying for ages now, Andrew Dabb is the biggest Cas fan and he won’t let our angel be forgotten about at all now that he is showrunner.

Moving on and Rowena shows up a her awesome self and Dean is nice to her. His base nature is actually to be nice to people regardless of who they are. Its something we don’t see very often from our very grumpy and deeply traumatised monster hunter. “your hair it’s all so bouncy” he says. Noticing the smallest things. Its cute. Its so very un-dean-like and yet at the same time it is exactly the kind of thing Dean would do. We know he likes to take care of his own appearance, his room, and often teases Sam about his hair and Cas about his trenchcoat. These are more in-sights into how Dean’s mind works.

Dean is sat down to watch an episode of Scooby Do whilst Rowena and Sam talk about the curse, firstly thinking he gets to watch porn. Nope. Instead we get this:

Which… in an episode full of sexual innuendo is *ahem* something I’m not going to comment on. Yes my mind did go there. No I am not specifying where “there” is. Look at the picture and figure it out for yourself. Flowers and dogs also have specific symbolism in this show. Maybe this wasn’t intentional but with everything else? I think it is. I am partly laughing and partly crying at how obvious this is to me at least. But like I said I ain’t going there. LOL.

Then, once Sam has explained to Dean once again what is happening we get this beautiful scene:

Honestly Jensen killed it. The fear in his eyes, the horror and confusion. “My name is Dean Winchester. Sam Winchester is my brother, Mary Winchester is my mother, and Casti- Cas is my best friend” This was beautiful and painful to watch. My heart breaks for him. Amongst all the humour and silliness of Larry and Rowena and Sam’s squabbles, this moment showed the truth. That the situation is dark and terrible and frightening. I wish they had given us more moments like this than all the humour to be honest. Because this was real. This was Dean vulnerable and terrified. Once again a scene where he faces his reflection and struggles with what he sees, though this time for a totally different reason. Dean has never had a good time with mirrors in this show. Ever since Bloody Mary they just tend to be bad luck for him. This moment is no different.

As Dean continues to forget more and more Rowena leaves him to go and save Sam (how awesome is it that Rowena is technically saving them now?!?) and leaves Dean in the Impala surrounded by notes. This is where Dean really has forgotten everything and yet his hunter instincts still kick in.

We get another moment where Sam denies the use of the grenade launcher. Three times and it’s a pattern. I would bet money on Dean getting to use that thing by the end of the season.

Dean finds his way to the witches mansion and is able to save Rowena and Sam by firing the gun and killing the witch. Proof that hunting really is in his blood, part of his soul. He will always be a hunter. No witches spell can take that away. In a way it is quite sad because it kind of implies that however this show ends, it won’t be with Dean giving up hunting. Even with the talks of retirement in previous episodes, I can’t see Dean doing it. Its who he will always be.

Once the witches are dead and the spell reversed, Dean admits that he wouldn’t be better off forgetting all their crap, because he would have forgotten everything else too. No matter how happy he might have been.

“Was it nice to drop our baggage? Yeah maybe, hell probably, but it wasn’t just the crap that got lost it was everything, what we do, all of it. So, that’s what being happy looks like, I think I’ll pass.”

Of course Dean wouldn’t choose to forget everything. Like the previous scene proved, Its in Dean’s blood to be a hunter, and he wouldn’t ever wanna forget his family. The people he loves. Forgetting the people who love you is not happiness in any way shape or form.

I feel like maybe this episode was lacking an emotional final scene. This was short and sweet but it didn’t seem to have the satisfaction that I thought it would, regarding Dean’s memory loss and fear and dependence on his loved ones. But it was still a great analysis of Dean’s character nevertheless.

Sam Winchester isn’t looking hard enough

This episode was predominantly about Dean, but there was a lot of stuff about Sam in here too. Specifically how he doesn’t really seem to notice much about his brother. I don’t mean this as a dig, but it’s honestly quite surprising. When we compare episodes where Sam has been changed somehow, it has taken Dean no time at all to realise something is wrong. Sam however, seems to shrug it off as Dean being a dumbass, or Dean being drunk, or Dean doing something to make Sam roll his eyes again. It seems like Sam has got an idea of who Dean is in his mind and it is so deeply ingrained that he is kinda blinded by it. He has his expectations of his brother, and he has got it so so wrong. Sam judges Dean. He doesn’t mean to, but the problem is that Dean has been building on his ‘character’ on his ‘performing Dean’ persona just for Sam for his entire life. Sam sees the performance, he doesn’t see what’s underneath. Its episodes like this that make me question all our fics with “shipper!sam” because I sometimes doubt if that’s the case. Does Sam actually see it for what it is? Or is he so blinded by his version of Dean that he cannot see the truth? Clearly Cas and Dean’s tension makes him uncomfortable, as last episode all but proved. But does Sam really understand what is going on here?

If he can be surprised that Dean loves Dory, what else surprises him? How much of Dean does he not know about?

What I found really striking in this episode is how Sam doesn’t find it easier to track Dean’s movements of the night before, because if it was the other way around Dean would have figured Sam out straight away. This was shown to us back in season 4 (again with the season 4 references in this episode!) when Dean was able to locate Sam based on how well he “knows that kid”. If Sam had truly known his brother well, he would have known that the cowboy joint was the first place he’d go. Sam knows that Dean has a ‘cowboy fetish’ and therefore it make the most sense? Dean wanted to ride the bull, but Sam was so surprised that Dean rode Larry that he “couldn’t believe it.”  

Even the end scene, Sam admits that he was kinda jealous. For him, forgetting everything they have done is a weight off their shoulders. Something he would like to experience. I think this is also a hint towards Sam not entirely accepting that hunting is his life. Whereas Dean is generally happy with what he does, because it is in his blood Sam doesn’t feel that way. I know we have seen previous episodes where Sam has seemed to accept it. But he only accepts it if he can do it with Dean. The co-dependency is extremely strong with Sam at the moment. Sam also always seems to be looking for something more. I don’t just mean relationship wise, though he did admit this in 11x04, but something more than just hunting.

We have always known that Dean was more like Mary. Mary’s family are the hunters. Dean is one of them. Sam though? Sam was all John. And John might have taken to hunting once his revenge had consumed him, but hunting was not in John’s blood. Nope, John’s blood is all Men of Letters. This is the path that Sam seems destined for.

What also seems to encourage this theory is that it is usually Sam who is paired up with Rowena in any of her episodes. It is common in this show for most side characters to develop a better relationship with Dean than to Sam. Dean is charismatic like that, but Sam has ‘bonded’ with Rowena if you wanna call it that, far more than Dean has, and it is always Sam who calls Rowena in to help. Is Sam attracted to magic? This is something that we have been speculating for a while. The Men of Letters use magic this we know, even their grandfather Henry was able to “harness the power of his soul” to cast spells. It was Sam who spoke to Lily last episode about how she developed her power. It is Sam who finds all of that stuff very interesting, and it is Sam who holds on to the Grimoire at the end of the episode. Will we get witch!sam in the future? I think it is still a possibility, but if nothing else he will become a true men of letters eventually… that I am sure of.

I said I was slightly disappointed with the end of this episode as it seemed to brush over the deeper, more meaningful conversation that could have been had. Another moment of missed potential I think was this one:

“Brother. Witch”

Isn’t it all a bit too easy? What if the witch had turned around and said “no! I’m your brother! He’s a witch!” and it could have got confusing for Dean. I think this moment could have really been great for Sam to have to convince Dean somehow why he was indeed his brother… revealing something about himself and their relationship? It would have been nice to see that moment of doubt from Dean followed by pleading from Sam to believe him rather than the witch. It’s an old TV cliché though so maybe that’s why they didn’t do it.

The next great Sam moment was this one: “Who’s this hippy?”

Sam looked broken here. For a moment he was really worried that his brother had forgotten him… that is the moment I was talking about earlier about the horrors of Alzheimer’s. Thinking that your loved one doesn’t know who you are is horribly painful. Jared did really well to capture that moment, even though it turned out to be Dean joking around. I’m with Sam here, that wasn’t funny Dean. That was mean.

Rowena’s future

Rowena was totally awesome in this episode. We first see her playing poker with some shady characters and cheats her way into winning. I’m so interested in what Rowena is up to off screen. First the rich businessman who Crowley blew up, now this. She is clearly completely done with other witches, but she isn’t quite ‘out completely, and still comes to Sam and Dean’s aide even though she could easily tunr them down. Like Crowley, could Rowena be starting to care for the Winchesters?

“Am I saved to your contacts now? Tell me, have I got my own ringtone?” Lol. So Rowena is flirting with Sam. Which is fun but also reminds me of 10x19 and Sam’s hallucination of Rowena that got all flirtatious with him. That was Sam’s mind remember so is there actually something in this? Oh god do we need a ship name for this now? We had Drowley now we have Samena/Sawena? Eek I dunno about this! Though I might just go with it purely for the look on Crowley’s face.

Anyway I just love Rowena and Sam’s banter okay?

Then she turns up at their door and as much as Sam brushes it off as Rowena having her eyes on the Loughlin’s book, partly I think Rowena actually enjoys their company.

“altruism isn’t exactly your style”

Isn’t it though? Because she seems like she is also putting on a performance of villainess when really it’s not who she is at all. Like Dean, it’s all a performance.

“You’re a killer, Dean Winchester”

“But, though you may be a stubborn pain in the ass, with the manners of a Neanderthal and the dining habits of a toddler, everything you’ve done, you’ve done for the greater good.”

“Oh and that’s supposed to make it okay?”

“I wouldn’t know. You help those other than yourself, but me? I’ve done horrible things. I told myself it was fine. It was the price of power and powers what matters right? Then I meet god and his sister, the two most powerful beings in the universe, wasted on squabbling with each other. I thought if they can’t be happy or at least satisfied how can there be any hope for me?”

This is such a fascinating insight into Rowena’s mind, how she thinks. For ages it was all about getting power but since God and Amara she has given that up. It’s not about power. She still wants money so she can support herself, but like her son what she is missing is love. This is why I think she helped the Winchesters. She likes them, even if she acts like she doesn’t. They are technically the only people she really knows and I can see this being part of her storyline that she tries to build on a relationship with Sam and Dean. As an ally at first, but then at some point a friend.

After all, when she hears Sam is in trouble, she goes to rescue him. She doesn’t flee and decide it’s not her problem. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t have put herself at risk for Sam. She doesn’t even get the book in the end. So what did she possibly risk her life for? If not to save Sam. This is a huge turning point for Rowena. She made a decision to save Sam’s life. So much for being a villain.

When Rowena does face Catrina, her story is horrible and sad, we are starting to learn more and more why Rowena is the way she is. Though nothing has come too close to her speech to Crowley in 11x10. Rowena hated being weak, being at the mercy of others. Her experience with the Loughlin’s shows just how awful it was for her. The way she was treated does not excuse the horrible things she has done, but it seems as though since meeting God and Amara she is trying to make up for some of that. She is not unkind or uncaring at all. She has always cared maybe too much. Otherwise she would have easily left both Winchesters to die.

This goes back to her speech to Crowley. “If I didn’t hate you, I’d love you. And love, love is weakness.” This I think is the theme of Rowena’s arc. For her to learn that love is not a weakness, that to have people who love and support you only makes you stronger. It coincides with Cas’s arc as well, where he is constantly being told that his weakness is his love for “humanity”. Castiel already said himself that “my friendship with Sam and Dean makes me stronger”. Rowena just needs to learn this too.

Overall

This episode wasn’t one of the strongest but it had some very good moments. I didn’t like the villains. I found them rather boring, but then they weren’t the focal point of the episode. The writing was sloppy in places and some of the plot didn’t quite make sense, but ultimately it worked. Just, what the hell was the end montage? I get that it was supposed to be another call back to Yellow Fever but seriously? The song was kinda fun. About innocence lost by the sounds of it.. but seriously? I was suffering from a bit of second hand embarrassment I’ll be honest. I think they just really needed an excuse to put Dean riding Larry into the episode for real. 

This makes me think that we totally missed out on a booty shorts dance from Dean at the end of 11x04.

Main takeaways from the episode?

Meredith Glynn binge watched season 4 and used it for all her references.

Sam really needs to pay more attention to what Dean isn’t telling him.

Sam may be tempted by witchcraft.

Rowena cares. A lot.

Dean likes to ride dick. (but then we already knew that.)

:P

[heisarzola]

Just a little disclaimer, this FAQ was started before Steam announced they would be dropping the Greenlight program, but decided to finish it while it was still relevant.

Also note that given just how much I’ll be writing, the whole FAQ will NOT be completed right away, but instead given out in healthy chunks for other to read.

Over the past few months I have received several of e-mails of people interested in my projects, looking to do business with me, or as a grand majority, looking for a bit of advice for their own titles.

So much so, that I have actually answered MANY of questions on the several faces of game development (where on a side note, if you go to ME for advice, it means you ran out of options). Questions regarding the process of making, launching, selling, promoting, distributing and topics of the sort.

I am far from an expert on the topic, but hey, if it can help someone along the line, might as well talk about it. And also, I wish to expand this F.A.Q. to the point where I can be able to send these posts to whoever e-mails me some questions next.

And yes, I’m aware I have far from the largest audience and that hardly anyone will read this. But I say it is worth it if it helps at least one person.

Before we start I want to say one last thing. I mean it when I say there is A LOT to talk about, and so I decided to split this into several posts divided in topics, so if you are looking for answers on a specific area and you don’t find it, it will probably be in another post or I have yet to make a F.A.Q. about that topic, so please be patient. (Also, I will update each F.A.Q. as it is required.)

  I will first begin with the topic I got the most questions about a little after I got my own title on Steam, Greenlight.

  F.A.Q. About Steam Greenlight

Table of Contents

You can easily look the answer to the question of your interest by using CTRL+F and typing the code between the [BRACKETS].

What did you do to get Greenlit? – [GL1]

What are the requirements to upload at Greenlight? – [GL2]

Are there any things to consider about Greenlight? – [GL3]

How hard is to get Greenlit? – [GL4]

How many upvotes do we need to get Greenlit? – [GL5]

Is there a time limit to get past Greenlight? – [GL6]

What do you recommend to do BEFORE entering Greenlight? – [GL7]

When should a title be exposed on Greenlight? – [GL8]

We are already on Greenlight and things aren’t so hot. What now? – [GL9]

If you don’t find the answer to a question yet, just be a little patient. Updates will be done and announced with dedicated posts. It is just that questions were planned ahead.

  What did you do to get Greenlit? – [GL1]

Let’s get the biggest question out of the way first, this is by far the go-to question people ask when they send an e-mail.

My case is of those you can call lucky (yes, it is a common trend in this industry). In fact, I did A LOT of things wrong when it came to launching my game on Greenlight, so many that in retrospective should’ve straight up killed the project. However as I also did some things correctly, I like to think it evened out and it came down to that luck.

WHAT I DID RIGHT:

PICKING MY LAUNCH DAY / TIME MINDFULLY. Imagine you decide to put your game, and a couple of hours later you are already on the second page because there were just too many new projects posted. This wasn’t my case, as I waited until there was a “slow” submission period with not so good games to top it off. It is all about timing and paying close attention to the current front-paged submissions.

MAKING A GIF MY THUMBNAIL IMAGE. If there is something you can never get enough of while on Greenlight that would be attention. If you have the time to do so, you should really go for a GIF as a thumbnail, I did it and it really standed out from the titles my game was surrounded with. Needless to say, you should go for a pretty thumbnail over a horrible GIF if you can’t make one.

BEING POLITE TO THE COMMENTS. “But, that is a given.” Some of you might be saying. You would be surprised by how much good feedback you can get by making the right questions. Instead of defending your project from “harmful” comments, you should really be asking them what they, the potential customers, believe that needs to be corrected. You might actually add some vital functions that were missing from your game. I know at least that was my case with the “auto-select last piece” from KNIGHTS. And of course, don’t try to make everyone happy, you will never finish your game on that pacing, but cherry pick what you consider it is the best for the project.

KNOWING WHO THE GAME WAS FOR. “People like me” is a very good answer, but you should really think on the implications of that phrase. It is really hard to sell a game if it is just expected for people to “come and get it” once it is finished. What attracts people to the genre? Why should people play it? What does it make it stand out from similar titles? And most important of all, Do I really consider my game to be good? It is easy to be blinded by development time when it comes to judging what you just made. But if you aren’t completely sure if you even like your game, others won’t care for it either. Ask someone to test it, get feedback, really ask people you trust to help out and make your work better to know why it is relevant. In my case, I made a game that was similar to those puzzle games I enjoyed, and had over 50 in my phone and PC of. Taking out what I considered bad from the genre, and prioritizing on making someone feel smart. If you don’t have a target audience, it won’t appeal anyone, and those YES votes might as well be considered luck.HAVING A PRICE TAG FROM DAY 1. The Greenlight page ISN’T the official store page, so make use of it to tell the information that might be missing. And if you can, drop in the price tag right away. Just be mindful of the price you are putting it, in fact, you should under-price your product for its own benefit. Let’s say you want to upload a $10 game. If you REALLY think your project is worth the $10, make yourself the questions. Is it really as good as other $10 games? Would I pay that much for a similar amount and quality of content? Because those are the questions you will be getting you want it or not. In my case, after studying and comparing what I offered in KNIGHTS, I came to the conclusion that it was worth around $3 dollars. So I thought that under-pricing it would actually benefit the game’s reviews and sales, as it no longer was directly compared to other fantastic $3 puzzle games, but instead it standed out as an extraordinary $1 title. This is really up to you though.

KNOWING THE “GAME EXTRAS” FROM DAY 1. If you are going to launch a game on PlayStation, you should really make use of trophies, the same for Xbox, free themes and thumbnails if you have time. And in the case of Steam, make sure to make time to have artwork for trading cards and badges, to count with steam cloud, controller support and achievements. Of course, it isn’t mandatory, but if it isn’t a stretch to implement them, you should really go for it. You would be surprised how many people consider a deal breaker not having the ability to continue playing on different computers, or to craft a badge out of the game if they like it. It will only empower your product, so you should really take advantage of it.

WHAT I DID WRONG:

NOT COMPLETELY FINISHING MY GAME PAGE. Honestly this should’ve been my downfall, glad it wasn’t though. Consider your game page as your store page and think about who will see it. Is what you have really good to be considered marketable? Would you like to see more store pages like yours? My answer to both questions was no, and it was reflected by a lot of negative votes (that declined as I fixed it).

NOT HAVING A GOOD TRAILER. After the Greenlight thumbnail, the video will be the first and maybe last reaction of a potential voter, follower and customer so make those first seconds count. Really think about that potential “Pre-alpha-beta developer build incomplete gameplay footage” you may have planned out for the video section, if it wouldn’t attract you to see that on the games of your preference, it will definitely won’t attract anyone you might be aiming to appeal. In my case, I just had a little silent gameplay session… don’t do that… Really make your Greenlight page as commercial-like as you possible can, it will only help you.

USING PROMO ART WHILE IGNORING USING SCREENSHOTS. Screenshots are to show what your game looks like in-game, if you wish to have cinematic stills on your store page then that is up to you. But if you want people to vote on your Greenlight title, you should really give them an idea on what they are looking at, else there will be people skeptical about what exactly the game is and should do. If you don’t let others know right away what you are trying to sell or give away on Steam from the pictures, you should re-think those pictures.

NOT HAVING A WEBSITE / E-MAIL. Not mandatory, but it really denotes professionalism and a good overall image of you as a (uni-personal or otherwise) company. This is on the what I did wrong section given I did plan on having a website, but didn’t care and released my Greenlight submission anyway. Again, finish all of the content you need BEFORE submitting anything, don’t fall into my mistakes.

NOT HAVING A DEMO FROM DAY 1 (WHEN I PLANNED HAVING ONE). Self explanatory, if someone really was interested in your game and wanted to play at least a demo of it that you planned on releasing, it would be disappointing to find out there isn’t one. Their interest was in that moment, not the week later you finished the demo build.

Summed up, my case is FAR from a formula to Greenlight success, but knowing the good and bad is vital when you attempt to launch your next title.

  What are the requirements to upload to Greenlight? – [GL2]

It is really just having the enough material to make up a PROFESSIONAL store page.

That is:

A general description of the game.

Trailer and gameplay videos uploaded to YouTube (preferably).

A collection of at least 5 screenshots of your title.

A thumnail image for greenlight search (512×512 pixels).

And other usual things, social media etc.

But if you want more concrete information, I took some screenshots of the requirements :D

#gallery-0-4 { margin: auto; } #gallery-0-4 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 33%; } #gallery-0-4 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-0-4 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Basic Store Info

Screenshots and Videos (and Models if you Have Them)

Store Social Media

My suggestion, be sure to fill EVERYTHING, mandatory or not. It is really obvious who put some effort into their submission and who didn’t, and that does translate to upvotes believe it or not.

  Well that was quite the long post, and this was the first installment of the FAQ.

Make sure you check out the FAQ category in the blog for more interesting topics.

  For now, that is all I have to say.

And as always, thank you very much for reading my blog :3

Want to use #Steam #Greenlight before it goes away? #Indie #gamedev s, here is a little FAQ. Just a little disclaimer, this FAQ was started before Steam announced they would be dropping the Greenlight program, but decided to finish it while it was still relevant.