#really though i dont have a job and i dont have a stable enough schedule to open commissions

[breadslice2257]

Just added a couple new sticker designs with a bunch of color options onto my shop!

Check them out if you're interested in supporting me or just want to check out some neat little stickers!

[teardew]

-

im thinking about making a patreon because i .. uh .. i cant justify drawing for myself anymore and its killing me lmao

it takes me really long to draw so any time i hav should be spent on comms... iv been trying to fight off burnout by drawing things i like inbetween commissions like that sv anatomy practice and vampire/werewolf mngling was just for me but it still ended up setting me behind schedule because i had to rest my eyes and wrist afterward. but not only that i also wanna like. make a lot more things ...

like i wanna do animal, insect, architectural, jewelry studies and fashion and character design explorations and try designing icon packs and branch out trying embroidery with mixed media and clothes making and get into making like 3d things with clay and soft sculptures. i wanna make historical fashion coloring books with việt phục and fashion zines ...

also theres a lot of stuff i dont post bc im not sure if anyone would be interested in all the design concepts and notes i had for example the homestuck dreamer outfits or the various sha hualing designs and sketches i had before getting to the thing i posted? like i hav a bunch of different sqh outfit and hair designs but theyr more clothing based and not detailed character/face art ...

idk !! it sounds like an excuse. its like, who cares just post it ! i know i shouldnt value my art by the amount of numbers i get from posting on social media and i dont mostly but its kinda unavoidable ? to me ? i know i only post fanart and ppl follow me for that and its not a bad thing ! being realistic i just dont think anybody but me would be interested in it ??

i dont know. god. i dont know what this post is about. ''i dont think anybody would be interested in the things i really wanna make'' but im thinking about making a patreon for things i really wanna make anyway because thats the only way i can justify it is if i can profit off it in some way. i dont really want to, but with my financial circumstances i dont know. i never wanted to make my livelihood off my art. i dont even consider or call myself an ''artist'' really, i just want to MAKE art

i dont know why i still cant find a steady job after 5 months applying to everything and its making me miserable. its embarassing, they say to be persistent with jobs but calling and even walking in to check on applications and watching employers awkwardly try to turn me away without just flat out telling me no even though none of them hire me is an exercise in public humiliation. how bad do you want a job? bad enough to make a fool of myself with nothing to show for it. and i want to make art for myself to cope but it takes too much time and time is money

maybe this post is about my art anxiety under capitalism. i dont know

i think im safe enough now to admit my friends gofundme i was posting about months ago about helping their friend escape their abusive household was actually my gofundme because i was worried about them finding out and preventing me from leaving or internet stalking me afterwards. i did hav a scare when i got a phone call i thought was from my brother but ended up being a police officer, whos my mother's friend ...

but anyways. me admitting this is just to give context that. i ran hundreds of miles away from financial security and everything i ever knew and im still struggling to find steady income nearly half a year later. i just dont understand what im doing wrong. is it my name? is it because im not from here? iv been working continuously ever since i could legally my resume isnt BAD. am i just stupid? should i have just tried to make peace with my lot in life?

i thought getting away from my family would let me be in a better place to create more art, thats one of the things i was so excited about but this feels just as stressful as when i was the only earner supporting my family during covid. i just want a stable job so i can make art. i dont want making art to be my Job. i dont want to be a ''starving artist'' begging for people to care about my art i just want to make art. but fuck i dont know how to sustain any of this

sorry for this mess. insurance is different out here and i havnt been able to find a psych either so its not like i can talk about this in therapy instead of venting on my art blog. all my life i wanted to make things without the fear of it all being destroyed. the main reason i havnt branched out from illustrations is because its entirety can be saved digitally even if its physically ruined. my sketchbooks were thrown away or ripped apart by my family either from carelessness or anger to hurt me but now that im finally enough safe to have them again or make something i can hold in my hands without the fear that someone will come in break it and make me clean up its corpse i cant afford it

i dont know what to do. is it worth it? is making art worth it? i mean. its worth the rent this month. and i still love drawing god this is probably bad for business because i dont want people to feel bad for commissioning me or anything but not to be dramatic why does it feel like im fucking dying

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Heya just wanted some advice here. I'm a 19 yr old INTJ with depression (have been for 5-6 yrs now). Just wanted to know how to get out of this rut I'm in. Idk if it's a loop or what, I just know I'm depressed and it has definitely worsened since 2020. I don't take any medication and no therapy, although I know I should. When I'm financially stable, I'm planning to.

Anyways, I've been disqualified from college bc of my very low grades and have the option to appeal to be reinstated (and even then, if i do apply for a reappeal, there's a chance they could reject me anyway). In all honesty, I don't want to. I can't be bothered to care for school anymore. I guess most people would be horrified to have such failing grades, but I have no emotions towards it. It's just "oh well" for me. I didn't really want to go in the first place anyway, but my older sister suggested for me to try and I did...which ended up being a waste of time for me and I regret it. I guess it's good I only went for 1 yr lol. Maybe I should have waited or maybe I'm just not a college type at all. I've always disliked school anyways. I managed my depression well back then since i was a good student, straight A's and all, but now I've just completely stopped caring.

I will have to tell my family, but I don't want to tell them about my depression and all that...I haven't told anyone else about my mental issues besides my closest friends and even then, I hardly open up to them about my issues in general (honestly even now i am hesitant abt typing all this despite being anon lol...). My family has never forced me to do anything and give me a lot of freedom actually, so I think they will understand. Even though I often dislike them at times, I do appreciate that they don't force me into anything... I guess I just fear being open about my mental illness. I'm hoping it will be enough to say I just don't have the motivation and focus for school anymore without having to go any deeper. I know I can't just stay home though, staying home drives me crazy and honestly worsens my depression. I do try to keep myself busy at home with chores and babysitting my nephew. But that's still not good enough...I can't drive yet so can't go out and get a job, although I do want to. My best bet is working from home

I am very interested in art and have an art account, although not a lot of followers , but I could try opening commissions up. My lack of followers is my fault lol. I don't upload very often, but I do know my art is good (not in an arrogant way; I definitely know i still have A LOT to learn and I always try to improve my skills) and I know a few people will commission me. I just need a consistent schedule and energy level I think...Instagram's constant changing algorithm is confusing to keep up with + depression killing my energy and motivation + dealing with a baby is exhausting (and i already dislike children to begin with...).

And a week or 2 before my period starts, my depression gets even worse, to the point of daily suicidal ideation in those weeks (I'm sure I have PMDD or PME...likely PME as I'm already depressed and it gets worse before the cycle then goes back to my "normal" state of depression after period ends.) Still, art and the fear of failing to successfully take my own life is what is keeping me alive. If I'm gonna die, I just want to die right away lol but haven't figured that out... I do want to do something with art and be successful, yet a part of me doesn't want to bother at all and just wishes to die in my sleep. I dont really feel sad or anything, i just feel numb i think. Idk anymore

------------------------

If I have reason to doubt someone's type, I will not discuss any specifics of type development until the situation is clarified. Since I see little evidence of Ni and Te so far, I will either require you to verify your type or provide a more comprehensive explanation for your atypical function expression/development. You point to depression as a major problem and perhaps it is obscuring the view of your type development. Describing the problem is a good first step, but it’s not enough for achieving a comprehensive understanding of its roots and origins.

Depression is a multi-factorial disorder, which means that everyone’s path to recovery is somewhat different, depending on which factors are most influential. It sounds like you’re just drifting through life aimlessly with very little self-awareness. You’ll need to dig deeper into why you’re suffering and try to account for all of the factors that might have led you to be depressed. In other words, you have to identify the right causes to find the right solutions.

You already know some things you should do, yet you won’t do them. Genuine question: What will it take for you to act? What/who can help you when you don’t care about yourself enough to take responsibility for your own well-being? You don’t want people interfering in your life and that means you have to be the one to step up and take charge. You claim to not care about anything, yet people only ask for help because they care. So, do you or don’t you care? Do you or don’t you want more for yourself? What is the truth?

If you want to understand yourself better, the first thing you have to do is stop deflecting and be completely honest about what you feel. “Numbness” is merely a defense mechanism, a way to cover one’s true feelings, especially the true extent of one’s pain. You won’t understand the problem fully until you access that pain. Everyone has within them a voice that guides them toward self-actualization, so it’s time for you to start listening to it.

Mental disorders are similar to physical diseases; the longer you leave them, the worse they get. Left untreated, depression worsens over time as your life gradually falls apart and you feel as though you have less and less to live for. It sounds like you’ve left the problem festering for too long. PMDD might require medical attention to ensure there’s nothing wrong with your hormone levels, so consult with your doctor. If your doctor doesn’t take it seriously (due to gender bias and discrimination), keep looking until you find a doctor who does. Depression is treatable with cognitive behavioral therapy, so my recommendation is to seek help from a qualified therapist.

If you really don't have any access to therapy, you could at the very least educate yourself about depression and implement some practical advice about how to change some unhealthy thought patterns and poor lifestyle choices. Most major cities have public mental health resources available. The internet has great official resources about how to care better for your mental health. I have also discussed it and recommended books about it. What resources are available to you and have you made use of them? How much longer will you sit and wait? Sitting and waiting is how one gets trapped in a rut.

[valleyfthdolls]

TELL ME ABOUT IT P L E A SE I DONT KNOW WHAT TO ASK BUT I WANT 2 LOSYEN

TYSM I AM GONNA GO A LITTLE WILD THO-

I wanna talk about my favorite little men [proceeds to show you a woman]

This is my design for Vanny (“the vanilla rabbit”), Vanessa Alicia Brooks, AKA Ness. (Yes I caved and am using Brooks again. The one fic where I’m using the other last name is staying for consistency’s sake.)

Not to be confused with Vanessa Alcott, the head of security at Freddy’s, though they have the same first name and are both 23.

Ness is an introvert and spends a lot of time alone, but she’s very good with kids and loves watching over them, though she tends to care more about making others happy than what’s actually best for them. She comes off as an optimist when you see her around kids, but she’s actually not a very happy person. Not that you’d expect that from her feminine style, nonchalant attitude, love for childish stuff, and music taste of 65% Madonna. She’s actually pretty depressed and has very low self esteem.

Although she dropped out of high school, she works several jobs (one that has daily shifts, one more around her own schedule, and one where she’s only called in on certain occasions), and lives in a small house alone. It’s not a great life, but it’s stable enough to support her. She doesn’t really live a particularly interesting life, but she really wishes she was something more important and worth being than she is. This, along with her desire for connection with others, especially with a father figure thanks to her own absent father, is what Glitchtrap takes advantage of to manipulate her into doing its bidding. However, being extremely curious and insistent on getting to the bottom of any mystery, she also pulls herself really far in over her head.

Just like in canon, she adopts the Vanny persona with the name, stylized as V.A.N.N.Y but not standing for anything, being a contraction of Vanessa and bunny. The mask and costume serve a unique purpose, though. They serve as a barrier between Ness and her actions, a supposed sign that she is not herself, she is not the one committing these acts. It is a whole new persona that Ness uses to distance herself from her crimes so she doesn’t have to feel guilty about what she’s doing by Glitchtrap’s command.

But because she’s mostly known by her nickname Ness to others, this actually raises suspicion not toward the eccentric but kind Ness, but toward the high-strung and moody Vanessa Alcott. Vanessa is suspected to be behind the strange occurrences such as power outages, missing items, broken bots, and even presumed hacking of the animatronics when surreal snuff videos of children being violently attacked and dying begin appearing in their files causing them to act strange.

(The first one is actually a video of a teenage boy trying to put a little boy’s mangled head back together found in Glamrock Freddy’s computer, titled HAPPYBIRTHDAY.MP4. Weird, huh? Wonder what it means.)

Vanessa is actually suspected of child abduction or murder when it’s reported that a little boy disappeared from his foster home Halloween night, but there’s no evidence to prove it. She’s sent to a therapist at her workplace so the therapist can try to analyze her behavior, but that provides no leads on Vanessa’s guilt or the boy’s whereabouts. Actually, Vanessa doesn’t seem to know the boy at all. There aren’t really any records on him, but when his foster parents are questioned, this begins to crack open the case.

See, this little boy was put into a group foster home as a toddler when his single mother couldn’t take care of him, and then moved into individual foster homes when he was seven. But he didn’t not have a family- his mother had another child thirteen years prior, who she could provide good enough care for due to this older being old enough to not be reliant on her. But the older child- the older sister- kept in contact with the missing boy once she was able to, and though she was in no position to be his guardian, she was close with him before his disappearance.

This older sister became a suspect for the murder or abduction of her brother, but when confronted about it by the same workplace therapist working with Vanessa, seemed innocent. She seemed saddened by what had happened, and struggled to answer questions, sitting there the whole time with her pretty brown hair covering her face like she was trying to withdraw herself from the situation of her brother going missing.

Ultimately no suspects were arrested and there wasn’t enough evidence for any of the charges to stick, because the boy wasn’t actually dead, nor was he being held captive anywhere.

He had run away to keep himself safe due to V.A.N.N.Y attempting to kill him.

[nami-writes]

Forget - The Hunger Games

i tried a slightly different writing style here with present tense and choppier, less prosy sentences and i dont really know why other than the fact that i just started writing and it came out like that lmao

anyway this is literally word-for-word just those scenes in thgm2 where peeta shows up and joins The Crew and he talks to katniss at night

i legit just wrote this bc i wanted to know his pov in those scenes

the ending is kinda ehh but i wanted to include it so

have fun reading lmao

“My name is Peeta Mellark. My home is district 12.”

His head’s hung low but he can feel the presence of the soldiers behind him as he mumbles the phrase, their guns a silent threat looming over him if he doesn’t walk.

“My name is Peeta Mellark. My home is district 12.”

He feels eyes burning into him from in front and behind, eyes watching his every move, cautious, like he can’t be trusted. He knows he can’t be trusted. It doesn’t make the shame any easier to live with.

“My name is Peeta Mellark. My home is district 12.”

He hears a bow being drawn at him, Katniss’s bow being drawn at him, and he has to fight the urge to attack her before she kills him. Focus.

“My name is Peeta Mellark—“

“Okay, stop.” Finnick’s voice breaks his concentration and he comes to a stop in front of him. “Hold up. Everyone relax.” He takes the moment to make sure he still remembers, make sure he doesn’t forget.

“My name is Peeta Mellark. My home is district 12.”

If he doesn’t repeat it, he’ll forget. He knows he will and he can’t. He can’t forget or else nobody will want him. Not the Capitol and not 13 and not Katniss. How could they want someone nobody knows, not even himself?

“What’re we doing?” Gale asks, and Peeta doesn’t look up to see who the question’s directed to. Not him. He knows that, at least.

“My name is Peeta Mellark. My home is district 12.”

The woman he recognizes as Jackson approaches him with handcuffs and holds them up to him. “Soldier, this is just a precaution till we can get everything straightened out,” she says. Sugarcoating. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he says anyway. He couldn’t fight it if he wanted to. He’d be dead before he could even try.

He lets her slip the cuffs onto his wrists and instead returns his focus to his mantra before he can forget. “My name is Peeta Mellark. From District 12.”

Two soldiers escort him inside and sit on either side of him as he continues softly reciting what little of his identity he has left. The man he assumes is in charge—he thinks his name is Boggs—begins briefing the rest of the team.

“They want us to add him to the propo,” he says. “Show that he’s on our side now.” Of course. His role here is to make them look good. Just like the Capitol wanted him to do. “We’ll move forward a few blocks tomorrow and shoot the new footage.”

“He’s not in control of himself,” Gale says, and his distrust of him shows. Peeta wonders how much of it is because of Katniss.

“I say we schedule an around-the-clock watch on him,” Jackson says. “The Leegs till 1700, Homes and Mitchell till 1900.”

“Give me a watch.” Katniss’s request— no, demand— is unexpected. Why does she want a watch? So she gets the chance to kill him?

“And if it really came down to it, you think you could shoot him?” Jackson asks, doubt evident in her voice.

“I wouldn’t be shooting Peeta,” she replies coldly. “Be killing a Capitol mutt.”

A Capitol mutt.

So that’s all he is to her now.

A mutt.

“I’m not sure that kind of a comment recommends you for the job either, soldier,” Jackson says, and Peeta’s almost grateful until Boggs speaks up.

“Put her in the rotation.” He steps behind Jackson and leaves.

Damn it.

“We’ve been here before, you know.” It’s night now, and he’s speaking to Katniss as he lies down. He can’t sleep no matter how hard he tries. He just keeps getting distracted by memories that pop up, memories he isn’t sure are real. It’s not a good idea to talk to her instead, he knows, but the least he can do is try. Try to test the waters, or... something. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, but it’s too late to undo it.

“What?” she asks.

“That look.” It’s hard to catch in the dark, but there’s something familiar about it. “I’ve seen that look.” He searches his mess of a brain briefly before realizing. It’s in one of the memories he’s been replaying over and over. He sits up, the movement reminding him of the handcuffs around his wrists and he hates the feeling. “You’re trying to decide whether or not you should kill me.”

“I never wanted to kill you.” She looks away. “And that’s not what I’m doing.”

“I saw it with my own eyes,” he retaliates, though he isn’t even sure if that memory’s real. “In the first games.”

“In the first games, I thought you were trying to help the Careers kill me,” she says, slight annoyance in her voice as she looks back at him. So that memory is real at least. “After that, I always saw you... as an ally.”

Ally.

The word should feel good to him. It means he can be trusted even if he’s not stable enough right now.

But it doesn’t.

“Friend. Lover. Victor. Fiancée.” Then his tone turns sour, scornful. “Enemy. Target. Mutt. And now ally?” The words taste as bitter as they feel. “Yeah, I’ll add that to the list of words I use to try to figure you out.”

Movement from across the room catches his attention and he looks over to see Finnick sitting up. He must’ve been too loud. Too angry.

“I’m sorry,” he sighs. He can’t keep getting angry. He can’t let himself lose control. “I... I just can’t tell what’s real and what’s made up anymore.”

“Then ask,” Finnick says. “It’s what Annie does.”

“Ask who?” Who can he trust? Who would care about him enough to listen and help?

“Us.” Jackson’s awake now too. “We’re your unit now.”

Ask them.

The idea’s almost laughable. They don’t trust him, why should he trust them? To them, he’s not a person. He’s an unstable animal— a mutt. Nothing more than a toy that Snow broke.

But who else can he ask?

They haven’t hurt him yet. Not like the Capitol did. There’s always the threat of being shot, but they’ve had every chance to hurt him or kill him and they haven’t. Even though he deserves it. There’s that, at least.

What does he have to lose?

He turns to look at Katniss. “Your favorite color is green.” That memory feels... strangely soft to him, like he can’t believe Katniss of all people could be that soft. “Is that real?”

“Yeah,” she says. “That’s real.” Then a slight pause. “Yours is orange.”

Orange.

“Not bright orange,” she continues, perhaps having seen the puzzlement on his face. “Soft, like the sunset.”

Soft, sunset orange. He can imagine something like that. It feels... right. “Thank you.”

But she continues. “You’re a painter. You’re a baker. You always sleep with the windows open. You never take sugar in your tea. You always double-knot your shoelaces.” Forgotten memories flood back, so small he would’ve thought they were irrelevant if she hadn’t brought them up, and she stands up. “You were right. I can’t do this.” Then she leaves.

It’s his fault, he knows, but he can’t let himself dwell on it. He can’t let his anger come back, so he falls asleep to the image of a soft, warm sunset.

The next morning, Boggs comes by with a gun in hand, taking out the magazine. “Listen up.” He holds it up, showing it to everyone. “Mag’s empty.” Then his gaze lands on him, a silent warning to stay in line. “It’s only for the propo.” Boggs clicks the magazine back in place and hands it to Peeta. The move feels humiliating, but there’s no time to be upset. “Let’s move. We’re headed five blocks north.”

As he walks with them, he can’t tell if he’s sandwiched between them for his safety or their own. This should feel like he’s part of a team, like they’re surrounding him so they can protect him, but it doesn’t.

It feels like a way to trap him if he ever decides to run.

[answers-of-a-pokemon-researcher]

I want to have a pokemon pet, but I dont tend to be very active due to my job from home. Could you recommend me a bug or grass type that could adapt to my lifestyle/ be relatively easy to take care of?

Yes yes! You’re asking for the best possible types when it comes to me! Generally speaking there’s a lot of easygoing Pokémon out there, especially in those types, so what I list likely won’t be all of them but I’ll cover some standout cases.

Bulbasaur is one particular example that comes to mind, as in the Kanto region where they are native Bulbasaur are often branded as the “easy to raise” starter Pokémon and for good reason! Bulbasaur have a very low nutrition requirement and are generally very low maintenance. They are one of the grass types that rely the most on photosynthesis for at least 80 percent of their energy demands and because of that they’re also very self sufficient and can be trusted by themselves without much worry. Do keep in mind that sunlight is a must for Bulbasaur, though! Nothing consumable can substitute raw solar energy, which they need to stay happy and healthy. Not only that but they’re great companions thanks to their calm and docile nature. Domestic Bulbasaur will spend most of their days napping in direct sunlight. And thanks to their rise in popularity, increased breeding has made them far more accessible!

If you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum and don’t have a ton of direct sun access then I would recommend Paras or Parasect! Just be sure you don’t have any allergies to spores! The sun gives me a headache, personally, which is why the Parasect I own myself does so well in my home. Contrary to popular belief Parasect is neither undead nor suffering because of the mushroom on its back, rather, it shares nutrients with the mushroom which has allowed the species to thrive in dark places. It is true, however, the mushroom takes energy from the Parasect, but the same can be said for the reverse. Generally speaking Parasect are more lethargic than Paras at times, but this doesn’t seem to adversely affect them. They do well with plenty of humidity, something I solve by having a humidifier running in various rooms in my apartment that I know my Parasect likes to frequent. Parasect are easy to feed and can digest just about anything without a problem. Personally, I recommend a diet of fresh leafy greens with mixed root vegetables every two to three days. Like I mentioned, their energy expenditure really isn’t that high so one meal or feeding can keep them going longer than most. 

Oddish are also fairly easygoing with a low light requirement. They are naturally nocturnal but will likely alter their schedule based on when their trainer is awake to spend time with them. Oddish should always be provided a small pot (big enough to fit in) of well-dampened and nutrient supplemented soil where they can take root, rest and sleep. This makes Oddish great for home desk jobs because you can simply sit your little buddy’s pot on your desk while they rest through the day! Evolving is your choice but if you live in a smaller apartment like I do, especially with neighbors nearby, maybe wait on getting that Gloom—that stink doesn’t leave easy! 

The last of my recommendations would be Burmy. It comes in a tidy variety of forms so you can freely choose whichever one speaks to you! Burmy is another Pokémon that can be comfortably close by as you work. They can grasp and hang onto just about any stable, solid surface and can stay there for a long time. Food for Burmy is also really easy, as sugar water and small pieces of fruit (which Burmy can use its proboscis to suck the juice from) provide a complete diet. If you were to evolve it, Wormadam have a similar diet although their larger size means they demand more, and you’re better off giving them whole fruits and not bothering with sugar water. A Mothim will also munch on fruits but also enjoys various greens, making the diet for a grown Mothim pretty broad.

These certainly aren’t all of the best Pokémon for this job but hopefully I was able to give you new ideas for what friend to invite into your home! Best of luck!  

[anon-luv]

Blankets 5FINALE5 [JungkookXReader]

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader (Feat. Rest of BTS)

Genre: Romance/Angst/Smut BadBoyAU!

Summary: A one night stand turned into various visits. No strings attached, or at least that is what you told yourself every time he walked through the door. His first name was the only thing you knew, besides having memorized every sensitive spot that laid upon his skin.

One night you catch a glimpse of his world. One that you had never had the temptation to roam on your free will. Jungkook though was addicting, and your craving for his touches led you to venture into his life. This new found world offering you a freedom you didn’t know existed. The consequences of your actions instead of taking you a step closer to him, formed a barrier. Jungkook’s sweet touches turned rough with rage, his passionate kisses turned possessive, and his comfortable casual talk went to promises/lies of a forever.

Rating: M [Language, Strong Scenes, Drug usage, Sexual Scenes]

Author’s Note: Took me forever.... I AM SO SORRY!!

I lost the original ending because my computer went to laptop heaven so I had to rewrite it. Here you go though. I hope you all like it. I am so nervous about posting this since it was the first fic I have ever written..and to be honest I did not expect anyone to like it lol. Thank you all for your support.

This is the finale, but I do plan to do a small epilogue drabble for this. 

Also I will edit it a bit more later...ignore minor grammar mistakes please

DISCLAIMER I DONT OWN THE LYRICS!!! Credit to people who wrote it. 

Let Go by Hailey....Steinfield? hehehehehe

Love yall!!

Trigger warning: Drugs, alcohol, and Sexual scenes

Not 100% edited yet. Might have minor mistakes :)

Feedback is greatly appreciated! It makes me Happy!

Word Count: 6.2k+

Blankets

.Part 1. .Part 2. Part 3. Part 4.  [Fic Playlist]

MASTERLIST

“I can’t sleep right now, so instead I’ll lie here and imagine better days. Days where I’ll wake up to your arms around me and not your name on my phone. Days where I’ll fall back asleep to the sound of your heartbeat and not the lonely silence of this room. Days where we’ll be together and nothing else will really matter anymore. But should I manage to slip off into a new night of dreams, I hope you know you were the last thing on my mind. You always are.”

 Whoever said Love is a blessing was lying…...Love is a curse. Love is a parasite consuming you from the inside slowly and painfully with no remorse. Love is to lose oneself in a feeling without a guarantee of finding love on the other side. Love is pain. Love is a weakness. Love is succumbing yourself body and soul to another person and giving them the ability to walk away at any given time, leaving you with nothing left. Love…...you were completely in Love with him, and you were starting to despise the ill feeling that had taken over your life.

Your sleeping schedule had adjusted to his, in order to have as much time with him as possible. He had become an addiction, an endless craving.

The way Jungkook kissed you had changed along with your relationship. The kisses seemed to last longer, but they also tended to be a lot rougher. He was not as fond of you spending time with Yoongi or any of the guys on your own. He always managed to keep a hand on you when they were present as if he was marking his territory. You had never witnessed such a possessive trait on Jungkook when he was with Tabi. You knew that what you and Jungkook had was a lot more different and complicated than what theirs had been, but you were slightly taken aback on how needy he had become. You didn’t mind it at all for you were just as needy yourself. Jungkook and you spend most of your time locked inside your apartment talking about everything and anything. The blanket had become your haven, and parting with them was becoming almost physically painful.

Winter had come and gone, and the melting snow had marked your anniversary with Jungkook. The day was colder than usual, and Jungkook had finally managed to keep a stable job for longer than a month. Yoongi had managed to wiggle Jungkook into a paid internship in the music studio. Jungkook had taken advantage of the position and started using the studios to create his own music. His singing had become his number one priority besides you. The hang out spot usually lacked your presence, for most of the time that you weren’t with Jungkook you stayed in your apartment waiting for him to come back. The boys stopped at times to say hello or have dinner with you guys, but you rarely hit the circle to fill up your lungs with smoke now at days.

“I miss you,” Yoongi said through the phone “I see you more at the studio these days than anywhere else. The garage is lonely without your presence. Danielle and Namjoon have been glued at the hip by the way. What’s up with that?”

“He must be doing her good,” you said bursting out into giggles.

You heard a yuck from the other side of the line “Too much info (y/n), I much rather not know which places have been rubbing against each other behind closed doors. Which by the way...are you and Jungkook going to get over this whole humping like bunnies stage...it is growing old”

“Yoongi, we don’t hump all the time… we talk in between breaks” you said teasingly.

“Ok that is it, I am hanging up now,” Yoongi said as your giggle turned uncontrollable.

“See you in a bit Yoongi. I am on my way to the studio” you said as the cold wind blew against your face once again.

“Whatever” you heard him say as his other side went dead.

The chilly winter air was canceled out by the warmth of the building that you had just entered. The area was quite roomy, white, and clean. It looked modern and you felt a bit out of place.

As soon as you entered the premises you quickly scanned for Jungkook in the desk he usually sat at. His lack of presence gave you a weird chill down your spine, sort of like an intuition of something that was about to flip your world upside down. Before you could overthink the feeling Yoongi came out of a door and walked over to you, “Hey, Jungkook is in the back recording some stuff, he asked me to tell you to pop a squat. He shouldn’t be more than 10 minutes”

You nodded and took a seat in one of the white stiff couches in the waiting area, Yoongi smiled at you and turned back to the door he had just come out from. He looked a bit hurried as he basically ran back inside what you assumed was a studio.

It had been an hour. Your phone was at 15% and your foot had tapped annoyingly on the floor for the last 30 minutes or so. Finally, Jungkook stepped out of the room looking quite happy, completely ignoring the fact that he had made you wait for so long. He jumped into the couch next to you making your anger and frustration melt away as his lips captured yours in a surprise lock, something that was not appropriate for the public, but as your hands made their way to his soft locks the rest of the world disappeared.

“Gross” you heard a deep voice say breaking you apart.

“Your ass” Jungkook replied to Yoongi playfully as he managed to pick you up and sit you down on his lap “You are just jealous I own this sexy pair of lips ….and I am not talking just about the ones on her face.

“YAH! Jungkook respect your elders” Yoongi replied, but you could see a flash of a strange emotion in his eyes.

You smacked Jungkook on the chest “Stop it Kook! Or I will ground you”

“Oh, please do,” Jungkook said sexily in your ear.

“Ok time to go home,” you said pulling Jungkook up.

“Oh, please do,” Yoongi said mocking Jungkook’s previous statement.

You walked towards the pale man and pecked his cheek “Stop it Grumpy ass”

Yoongi rolled his eyes clearly blushing. Jungkook gave Yoongi a stare, but he just shrugged off the younger boy as he waved you goodbye.

Before you made it out the door you heard Yoongi yell Jungkook’s name followed by a “Don’t worry about a thing Kookie, we will spread that shit all over the stations”

Jungkook’s previous possessive stare turned to one of excitement as his bunny smile spread taking over his whole face.

Before you could ask what that was about Jungkook was already pulling you away towards the apartment, barely giving you time to breathe as he decided to toss you over his shoulder to get there faster. You laughed the whole way back, not knowing what was about to hit you head on and in all honesty as Jungkook ran back to your apartment while whispering naughty things in your ears, you did not give a single fuck.

  Change. It was bound to come. It always came when you least expected it. It started that fateful night when Jungkook’s possessiveness took an all-time high. All it took was Yoongi’s hand on your lap for Jungkook to snap. Punches, kicks, pushes, split lips, and a bruised eye later you had grown tired of it. When had your relationship turned into this?? The freedom you had felt whenever Jungkook was present had been thrown out the window. As soon as Jimin and Hoseok split the boys up you pulled Jungkook away as if the place was on fire. You needed an explanation of whatever the fuck was going on.

“Okay Jungkook, are you a puppy I need to get fixed or something? what the fuck is wrong with you??” you asked as you gently placed ice on his swollen lip.

“The real question is what the fuck is wrong with you?? Are you some sort of hot potato that my friends can pass around and run their hands all over??? Are you a hoe now?? Is that your goal? am I not good enough??” Jungkook scram in your face as his face grew a gross shade of red.

For the first time throughout your relationship with Jungkook, you were rendered speechless.

The tears threatening to fall not from sadness, but from complete and utmost anger. Who did he think he was? He had turned your life upside down and he thought he had the right to judge you?

“Jungkook, Yoongi and I are friends, you know that we have been close for a while as FRIENDS.” you replied not knowing what to say exactly to please the man-boy. Your mind running about 100 miles per hour. You just wanted to fast forward ahead and get this night over with.

“Yeah friends, sure whatever you say (y/n)” he said grabbing his beanie and stomping away towards the door, the ice on the table melting….forgotten. He turned to look at you one more time and you could see him fighting a battle inside his dark brown orbs. He walked back towards you and captured your lips in a rough yet breathtaking kiss.

Your hands consumed themselves in his broad back pulling him in even closer. You craved his warmth more than anything in the world. He was your safety net, he was your comfort blanket.

Jungkook bit your lower lip causing you to moan into the kiss intensifying it. He walked you backward into your open bedroom door. He laid you down softly on the bed, and he paused looking down at you. His eyes traveling across your face like he wanted to map out every single freckle as if they were stars in the sky and he was about to become a blind man. You scrunched up your nose getting a bit self-conscious. A gentle smile appeared on his face contrasting the previous argument that was no longer existent in your mind.

You whispered, “I love you”

He bends down to capture your lips “I love you too”

His hands peeled your clothes slowly gracing your skin ever so softly. Feathery like kisses sprinkled across your neck traveling down, marking a path to what you knew was going to shoot you up to the stars.

As he lifted your hips to strip off your last piece of clothing you noted a lone tear escaping his eyes, but before you could ask what was wrong, he thrusted deep into you making you swallow down your questions and insecurities.

The blanket now cocooning your bodies as you moved in sync with each other, a sweaty beautiful mess.

You knew something was off when your eyes opened to an empty bed, empty kitchen, and half of an empty closet. Jungkook was nowhere to be found and neither was his clothes. Even the old worn out ones you had treasured from before you both became an item were missing.

Your hands trembled with anxiety as you reached towards your phone. 25 missed called, none from Jungkook. You ignored the notifications and dialed the number you now had as memorized as your own name.

Disconnected. The line had been disconnected. The beep on the other line ringing endlessly, but you didn’t give up. After 50 calls, your neurons decided to assist you, and you dialed Yoongi. After 3 rings he answered sounding worried.

“Hey, how are you doing?? I heard” he asked in a quiet serious tone.

“What happened Yoongi?? Tell me what the fuck is going on??” you asked breaking down in nervous tears.

Yoongi sighed into the phone “I’ll be right there”

“No don’t. Meet me at the studio” you said in a rush and hung up the phone.

  You slammed the door to your car as you turned it on and rushed out of the parking space. Much to your luck, you had gotten stuck at 5 pm traffic. Your anxiety causing you to hyperventilate. You raised the volume of your radio and the ac in your car. Your finger tapping a rhythm against the steering wheel.

You looked anxiously at your watch. It had already been 10 minutes in traffic and the line was still not moving. You regret your decision to take your car.

The radio suddenly caught your interest “And now a brand new song featuring one of our hometown artists who has taken off to the big city with a shiny new contract. We wish you the best of luck!”

Your heart accelerated, Yoongi’s voice telling Jungkook something about a radio station coming into mind, but this couldn’t be Jungkook.

 “You made plans and I, I made problems

We were sleeping back to back

We know this thing wasn't built to last and

Good on paper, picture perfect

Chased the high too far, too fast

Picket white fence, but we paint it black

Ooh, and I wished you had hurt me harder than I hurt you

Ooh, and I wish you wouldn't wait for me but you always do

I've been hoping somebody loves you in the ways I couldn't

Somebody's taking care of all of the mess I've made

Someone you don't have to change

I've been hoping

Someone will love you, let me go” Jungkook’s soft voice blasted through the speakers.

 Your silent tears had become hysterical. The lyrics to the song hitting you like an 18-wheeler ramming head into your small beat up beetle. The song you were assuming had been written about Tabi.

 Arriving at the studio had felt like ages, and when you saw Yoongi waiting for you outside walking aimlessly from side to side as if he was as lost as you, you broke apart in his arms.

He caressed your hair “I promise I had no clue. He said he had told you. He said you were going with him. I even helped him pick out an apartment in the city. He was excited about moving WITH YOU to a new city”

You looked into his sad familiar eyes “Yoongi, how long?”

“What?” he asked confused.

“How long has he known about this? About the city? About the contract?” you asked desperately for answers you knew were just going to hurt you more.

“About 10 months ago, he got scouted by one of our talent agents, and he got asked to write a song and send in a demo. About 3 months ago he started writing a song…….and we finished it 2 weeks ago” he said summarizing the betrayal that had been Jungkook.

Jungkook had never really believed in a future with you. 10 months ago you were celebrating your 2nd month anniversary playing video games with endless pizza and chips, and now as you stared at your broken reflection against Yoongi’s glasses, you came to the realization the song might have been about you.

 Yoongi went back to your apartment and made you a burned toast for dinner. He tried cracking jokes, failing miserably at making you smile. You kicked him out nicely at 12am, as your feet dragged you lifelessly to your once shared bedroom. His belongings completely gone, but the memories more present than ever. You made your way into your bed wrapping the blankets around you from head to toe. His scent strong against your nose. You buried your face in his pillow and screamed as loud as you could. You scram and cried till your eyes gave up, and your heart and brain surrendered into a sleeping coma to let your body rest from all the pain.

  The next morning you were mad. Scratch that; you were furious. The sadness from the previous day had gone down the drain replaced by outrageous rage. The alarm clock turned on the radio station as if on cue playing Jungkook’s now HIT SONG according to the DJ.

You heard knocking on the door and you stomped your way to open it. The anger glowing in your eyes made Yoongi want to hide behind the brown bag full of donuts he had brought to cheer you up.

The tears in your eyes erupting from a dormant volcano as soon as you saw Yoongi at your doorstep, looking fully awake and quite scared instead of his sleepy grumpy self.

You decided at that very moment that you hated change. You hated the red hair that now lay upon your head, you hated the piercing on your tongue, you hated the way Jungkook’s number was no longer a mystery but carved in your memory, you hated how empty your apartment was, but most of all you hated the emptiness in your heart you could’ve avoided by not letting Jungkook in after that first one night stand.

Yoongi walked into your apartment after building courage setting the bag on the table and starting a pot of coffee. Caffeine had always been the best remedy for his everyday problems, and right now it seemed like you needed a bit of a boost.

You frowned at the dark cup of coffee in front of you as you bit at a donut as if it was Jungkook’s head. Yoongi frowned not used to seeing you in such a horrible state.

“Do I look like garbage Yoongi??” you asked the boy sitting across from you.

He set his coffee mug down and looked deep into your eyes.

“No (y/n), you are seriously one of the most beautiful treasures I have been granted in my life, and you are the closest to a best friend that I will ever have. You did not deserve any of this shit, the problem wasn’t you” he said holding your trembling hand in his large calloused one “I am sorry (y/n) I should’ve tried to keep you away, I didn’t think stuff would end up like this. But just a tip…. sometimes showers are good for the soul…..and other things”

“Yoongi you warned me, you warned me several times and it fell on deaf ears. It is not your fault...it is all mine. I fucked up...just like I always do “ you said with a bitter laugh “Karma is a bitch after all”

Yoongi looked at you with saddened eyes, “(Y/n), whatever you are thinking don’t please. I know you must be thinking the worst right now but give life a chance. Sometimes shit happens, but it happens for a reason. You were too good for Kook anyway. You think you are a fuck up?? Then he was times ten.”

You smiled sadly at Yoongi “You think so?”

He stood up and wrapped his arms around you. His warmth reminding you of Jungkook, but you couldn’t help but notice how much bulkier Jungkook’s arms were. Yoongi kissed your cheek shyly “I know so”

A week. It had been a week and no word from your Houdini.

The sheets now lay cold in your bed, the essence of him still lingered for you have not been able to sleep in the bed you had once shared with the person you thought would be the love of your life. You walked aimlessly around your apartment seeking proof that he had existed, the pictures framed on your wall not good enough to satisfy your need for him.

Why would he leave so unexpectedly right after making love?

You sighed completely annoyed at yourself?

You were being weak while he was in his prime, being showered with all kinds of rewards. You looked back at the blankets, your dry tears in your cheeks feeling sticky against your hand.

If he was done with you, you were done with him.

You had already wasted too much time chasing after a person you weren't even sure wanted to be chased in the first place. You were better than this.

Determined and numb to any Jungkook related emotions you marched towards the bed ripping away the sheets in which he used to lay and walked straight out of the apartment.

Half the blanket dragging behind you like a tail, you walked away throwing them out of your life along with your memories of Jungkook.

There on the floor beneath the bed though, a letter that had been wrapped around the blankets went unnoticed, your name scribbled on the front along with a crooked heart.

 ----

“I really do not think you should be doing this” Yoongi said trying to take away the lighter that you grasped tightly in your fist. Yoongi was on his way to your flat when he noticed your figure walking around with your bedsheets. His curiosity allowing you to proceed in your strange endeavors, but as soon as your lighter made an appearance it was game over. The blanket had been placed in your apartment complex’s trash, but even then, the mere thought of the blankets existing irked you. Fire was the only answer to your current predicament, and you did not even care about any future consequences.

You lit the corner of the blanket, and before you knew it, a blaze had ignited setting the rest of the trash surrounding them in different shades of orange.

“Holy Shit” Yoongi whispered as the fumes started to make him cough.

The fire growing faster than you would have imagined causing your neurons to properly function again, you looked at Yoongi completely panicking “What the fuck do you think you are doing?? Call the fire department. I fucked up! “

Yoongi nodded quickly taking out his phone

Not even a minute later the sirens blasted through your neighborhood ready to put out the fire in the trash can. You wondered if you stood right in front of the pressured water hose, would it put out the fire that was burning from within your heart as well??

 Bullshit.

This was utter bullshit.

“One thousand seven hundred dollars!!! What the fuck? All I did was burn some blankets outside” you scram looking at the court fee you had just received in the mail.

 “Well, you did almost light up your apartment building??” Danielle said shaking her head as she sat down in what now was her usual seat aka Namjoon’s lap.

 You rolled your eyes at her, ready to argue your case, but before you could Danielle stood up pulling Namjoon along with her. Her slim figure not giving away the Hulk she has hidden within. Namjoon smiled at her like a love-sick puppy. You gagged playfully as she walked next to you ready to head out the door.

She looked at you suggestively as she gave you a wink “Anyway, we better head out. The rest of the kiddos are waiting for us in the Garage. See you there LATER” she said enunciating the last sentence, not really giving you a choice of whether you would make an appearance or not.

 “You too Yoongi, behave,” she told him as she bit her lip suggestively. The color of your cheeks brightening as you tried hiding the fact that you had noticed her not so subtle hint at Yoongi.

 Yoongi and you had grown closer with the passing months, other than school and work you had spent every waking moment together. The line between friendship and romance growing thinner and thinner by the minute, but when Yoongi tried to jump over the boundary, there was always something holding you back. Jungkook.

Even though he was long gone, you couldn’t shake him off. He was everywhere you looked. He was in the raindrops that kissed your skin in the evenings when memories of him twirling you around as he hummed a song to end it with a slow passionate kiss came to mind. He was in the late mornings when you would wake up at 11, and you would have a tough time deciding whether you wanted a late breakfast or early lunch, when back, when he was around Jungkook, would flip a coin, before you would instead end up having to eat dinner. Jungkook was behind every Superhero movie or comic book, the lines of some memorized due to the endless replays, courtesy of Jungkook. He had become a permanent mark. A tattoo that you thought would wash off with water and soap, but instead, it had turned into a lifetime commitment. Something you sometimes completely despised and regretted while at times you treasured it like it was the most beautiful piece of art.

There were days where you laid in bed, replaying your last day with him over and over again, wondering where you went wrong. Your head commanding your heart to move on, but your heart played deaf not following orders.

Yoongi had been your aloe vera. He had been there for you on your down days when the urge to google Jungkook’s name had become so tempting, you had turned your computer off and on over 100 times. He had studied with you a few hours before your class when you had forgotten to study because Jungkook thoughts had clouded all of your reasoning the night before. He had stood with you in court sharing your punishment over a stupid immature decision because of those stupid blankets. Yoongi had been there, all along from the beginning he had never gone away. Why did your heart keep pining for someone who was no longer there? It was just like chasing a ghost…..

 Yoongi’s head rested on your lap while he scrolled through his phone. His eyes moving slowly from side to side as he read an article that was obviously interesting to him. His facial expressions had become easier to read now, and you could tell he was deeply intrigued. You were but a pillow to him at the moment, so you decided to take the opportunity to admire the man who has stood beside you. His long fingers moving fluidly with ease, you could tell easily he played an instrument. His pouty lips hiding one of the cutest rarest of smiles you had ever seen. His nose a little button that sometimes scrunched up reminding you of a little kid. He was cute. He was handsome. Why couldn’t the butterflies in your belly flutter around for him?

 “You look a little troubled” Yoongi’s deep voice snapped you out of your thoughts. You looked up to stare into his brown eyes that were now leveled with yours.

“I am not...not at all I just…”

“Did you forget I can read you like the back of my hand?” he said pinching your cheek playfully as if you were a little girl.

You gave him a smile, that unwillingly turned into a pout, “I just don’t get it”

“Don’t get what??” he asked tilting his head to the side.

 You stood up from the couch and walked towards the window not daring to make eye contact with him, “Why it still hurts…. Why I can’t move on. Why are there days where I feel perfectly fine like he never existed only to wake up the next feeling like I can’t stand up because I am missing a part of me? I want to know why I did this to myself. I want to know why my brain is telling me to move on, but my heart is not having it. I want to confess that when I look at you I want to love you, but for some reason, something is holding me back….he is holding me back Yoongi, and I don’t know if he will ever let me go”

 Yoongi looked down at his hands, his phone forgotten beside him. He looked up at your now hunched figure across from him. Tears flowing down, something that hasn’t happened in a while, at least not in front of him. Yoongi stands up following your footsteps as he crouches down to level your face with his. His hand caressing the side of your face, wiping a few tears before he tilts your head up to look at him. Your eyes shyly meeting his. His breath hitting lightly on your lips as a scent of mint takes over your senses completely hypnotizing you.

Before you knew it, his hand had fallen away from your face, his wide eyes now focused on the direction of the front door.

“Kook?” he whispered in shock.

Your breathing hitched paralyzing you in place, barely gaining enough momentum to face towards the direction Yoongi was staring at.

Jungkook stood there in one of his usual white shirts, his face completely pale as he took in the sight before him.

He looked from Yoongi’s eyes to yours, a look of absolute betrayal taking over his previous shaken expression.

“THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!?” he scram walking forward completely furious at the man in front of you.

Before Yoongi could react, Jungkook was already holding him by the collar, pulling his fist back to aim a hard blow right upon his face.

You stood up quickly due to the adrenaline rushing through your veins. The confusion in your brain muted, to try and pacify the upcoming fight.

“Jungkook, put him down, nothing was going on,” you said trying to pry his hands off the man’s shirt.

“What are you saying (y/n), I can’t hear you with all that shit pouring out of your mouth,” Jungkook said completely furious.

His eyes practically glowing red with anger.

“Jungkook seriously let him go, we were just talking,” you said as you soothingly touched his neck, “Please babe”

Jungkook took a deep breath as he set Yoongi back down on his feet.

Yoongi looked confused at the younger boy standing in front of him “What the fuck bro! Where did you go? Why didn’t you call or anything?? We were all worried”

“You didn’t seem that worried a minute ago” Jungkook replied looking directly at you accusingly.

“Hey, don’t talk smack, she didn’t have a clue of where you were or what you were doing, you just disappeared,” Yoongi said trying to stand protectively in front of you.

“What are you talking about?? I left her a note. On the bed right before I left. I was scared, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to drag her with me to something that could potentially fall apart and leave us homeless” Jungkook explained.

You stared at him confused “Note??”

“Yes, I left you a letter, right beside where you were sleeping on top of the blankets” he replied, “Wait did you even read the letter? Did you even see it?”

You looked down completely baffled by your own stupidity. You met his eyes and then scurried towards the room you had once shared with him. The urge to look through every corner for the mysterious letter taking a front seat in your mind. It didn’t even take you 10 seconds to find the letter, it was neatly laying underneath your bed as if it was placed there by magic. The urge to facepalm yourself almost winning over your urge to cry in absolute dismay.

This letter right here was about to mend you or break you all over again.

 You looked back towards the door, the two boys standing there frozen in place. You looked at them both as silence took over the room. The letter in your hand felt like it was burning through your emotions. Nothing mattered more than the words written down in that piece of paper.

 Yoongi looked at you for a second and then back at Jungkook. An expression of defeat as he uttered “I think I should go”

You looked at him through your tear-filled eyes “I am sorry Yoongi”

 “Just….call me. Let me know you are okay before you head to bed” he said as he walked off. Not even giving Jungkook a second glance. Yoongi’s heart had been stomped on and it was all your fault.

 “I am sorry Yoongi” you whispered again as your focus went back to the item in your hands.

  (y/n),

I am sorry for taking off without saying goodbye, but I know how much you hate them.

If you take 15+ minutes to hang up on a phone call I would never leave the apartment.

I will be back though I promise. I am leaving without my phone or anything. I want this to be as quick as possible to get back to you. Once I assure this is not a too good to be true gimmick I’ll be back for you my love. We will move to the city together and I will make you mine forever. I love you so much and I am sorry for doing this without any prior notice. We have been through so much together already that a few months will be nothing on us.

You can hit me, scratch me, and make me your sex slave for years to come after I come back, but please do not forget about us. Do not give up. Be strong for me my love, like I’ll be strong for you. Listen to my radio shows and tv interviews, you will be mentioned in each one till I am back in your arms. I LOVE YOU!!!!

 Your KookieMonster

  Jungkook laid in your bed listening to the whole fiasco that had happened while he was gone. A smile of amusement plastered on his face much to your surprise. You were expecting yelling, and an endless number of accusing fingers your way, but all you got were smiles and chuckles in his behalf.

 “Why are you laughing??” you said crossing your arms and pouting “I was broken, I hated you, and I am now 2,000 dollars in debt to the city”

 “I am laughing because you could’ve avoided all this shit if you did your adulting correctly and actually did your bed,” he said as he stood up and walk towards you.

 The tears that you were holding back spilling out like a leaky faucet, “It hurt…. it hurt so much”

 “I know babe, but I am here now,” he says cradling in his arms. Those arms you have missed so much.

 “I love you so much …..so so much” you whispered as you peppered kisses along his face.

 He grasps your face in between his two hands and finally your lips meet. Desperation evident in every lick and bite.

A moan escapes your lips as you let him guide you back into bed. The past is forgotten and ripped away with every piece of clothing that was starting to pile up onto the floor.

 Jungkook backs away after both of your shirts are off, snapping you out of your heated hunger.  Your arms shooting automatically upward to pull him back to you.

“Wait are you sure you want to do this??” he asked with half-lidded eyes.

The same eyes you have dreamt about every night since you have last seen them were in front of you once again……. And your heart...your stupid heart…..is the one you follow as you kiss him again answering his previous question.

He stops you once again causing you to sigh in annoyance.

“Mood killer,” you say playfully as he scurries to get something from his pant’s pocket.

He pops out a ring and lands himself on one knee.

The confusing in your face is quite evident for her tries to explain what is happening before you reject him.

“It is not a wedding proposal….it’s a promise. I know I fucked up when I left you behind. From now on I promise I will never leave your side, and once we are up and not in debt we will do the whole white dress and big party thing” he says reassuring you.

You smile at him replaying his words in your head and then something clicks “Wait, what do you mean in debt??”

He shrugs his shoulders as if he was a child about to be scolded, “Well I kind of broke the contract when I came back here. I just couldn’t stand being without you anymore….I couldn’t so I left”

“Wait….you know you could’ve called me right?” you asked searching his eyes.

He dismissively shook his head “Not the same, plus I doubted you would’ve answered the phone when I didn’t even give you a proper see you later”

You rolled your eyes…..

“(y/n), my knee,” he said making a faint yelp as he tried to keep balanced “It is getting numb”

“Silly, stand up,” you said trying to pull him up.

“NOT TILL YOU ANSWER,” he said in between his teeth clearly in pain but stubborn as hell.

You looked at the boy in front of you. The one that had made you jump through hoops and see the world in a different perspective in a matter of months. The guy who was a complete and utter fuck up just like you.

You kissed him hard letting every emotion out in that kiss.

He looked at you dreamily “Is that a yes??”

“I’ll let you know in the morning,” you said as you grasped him from the arms and pulled him towards you, your new blankets about to be blessed by both your bodies tangling and fusing into one.

Whatever tomorrow brought doesn’t matter as long as there was a Jungkook in your life….. No matter how, where, or when….as long as he was beside you.

[thoughtcock]

Post breakup reflection

1. What was my role in the demise of this relationship?

Many times, he has expressed to me that I am not fulfilling his needs enough and that he’s way more giving than I am in the relationship. 

For example, he expects sex at least 3-4 times a week, and uses sex as a way to destress himself. For me, working full time with irregular schedules makes it pretty difficult for that to commit to this much sexy time. Plus, when I’m stressed, sex is the last thing I would think of. As such, I felt guilty and pressured whenever I can’t seem to satisfy him physically. It’s like I’m expected to still give a blowjob and whatever after a long, hectic and possibly even traumatising day at work. During the whole period of dating I felt like I partially lost interest in sex. Not just because of work stress, but I’m sure he played a role in making me feel like this as well. As a result, sometimes our times in bed can feel "boring” or I just seem to feel pain/discomfort from sex. To him, being unable to satisfy him made him feel upset, and he would be meaner to me as a result. Honestly, 1-2 times a week is more than enough for me, but sometimes he made me feel like I never tried, and that hurts but I guess that disinterest has caused the downfall. He said so much hurtful things to me in retrospect, and I can’t believe I just took in everything he said and thought we could work this out again.

He thinks I’m too passive and quiet, always being unable to speak my mind and engage in deep conversations with him. But again, I always felt like I am trying my best, its just I’’m so tired from work and I physically just dont have the energy to keep having deep philosophical conversations over and over again. Sometimes I would just like my downtime to be chill, making dumb jokes and just doing mindless stuff together. I would admit that it can be difficult for me to speak my mind at times, but I really really really did try my best to open up as best as I can. I am not sure how else I can be open already to be honest. And the more he demands that from me, the more emotionally tiring it is for me. Because I really am not sure where I have gone wrong in that regard, but I just know what I’m not doing enough to him has caused the downfaill of our relationship.

The nature of my job has also caused a lot of friction between us as well. There were times where I would unreasonably make him translate a lot of sound bites for me, lots of last minute OT days that left him waiting for me, lots of anxiety on my end that he can’t seem to help me with. In all honesty, he has never been that respectful to my job, and questioned my skills as a reporter. But for me, I just wished he couldnt understand why I felt like this and just be there for me (without making fun of me) when things got tough. It is my fault to an extent because I sometimes cannot control my emotional outbursts during work and that work always seems to throw me a curveball and that I am constantly seeking help from him. 

It fucking sucks but I guess its really our needs clashing against each other, and it feels so fucked up to admit that I let myself be treated like that and I question myself if I will ever be enough. 

2. What can I do differently in my next relationship?

Writing this out made me realise that all these demises are really out of my control. But I know there’s some aspects of myself that i can change. I agree that I’m a passive and less giving person, in which I swore to myself that I would change when we patched back again. I guess it was too late because you broke my heart really soon after that. 

I would do so much differently. I would never ever let myself feel small, belittled or get fucked over by a man again. I would find someone who can compliment my lifestyle and needs, and vice versa. I would find someone who makes me believe that I am enough, that I don’t have to fight so hard just to maintain the relationship. I would be more guarded, as I now realise that even the most unexpecting of people can do horrible things like cheating, but not too guarded that I lose my ability to be vulnerable and have trust issues with the guy (I should never feel like i have trust issues if I’m with someone who truly loves me). I would never settle for men who are not willing to commit, or second guess their commitments halfway through the relationship. I will never be with someone who has cheated, or are still in contact with their toxic exes. I would not be with someone overly religious. I would never be with someone who pressures me for more sex.

As for myself, I want to be more giving to the person who is deserving of it. I want us to plan for our goals and future together. I want to be more communicative even when the times are tough. I want to shower him with more loving words, little handmade gifts, acts of service to show that I’m thinking of him more. I want to be more appreciative of their presence and love, never to take them for granted. I want to spend more quality time with him, while doing my best to balance my work well and not unload shit on him too much. 

3. Have I been realistic in my expectations?

I realised that by being attached to someone, I tend to let my expectations go down without even realising, as I think my needs are not as important for now. For example, I would prefer to rent a house together and have a chat on how we can align our life goals together, our financial goals. If marriage is on the line, sure I am open to it. I would prefer to have pets over children anyday as well. I am also willing to move out to anywhere, like a bonnie and clyde do or die moment together. Our lives didn’t have to be stable exactly, I just needed a stable person that can do life with me even with all the crazy unexpected adventures ahead.

In hindsight, my ex was suddenly unwilling to do all of that with me. He gave me excuses like him still finding a job and not thinking of the future, and later just outrightly admitted that he didn’t want a lifestyle like that. And here I was, being naive enough to accept his words, thinking that we can talk about this again in the future, when his career is more stable bla bla bla. And in the end, that caused us to break up.

I would say at my age, my expectations are pretty reasonable, its everything a long-term couple would have to face eventually. It just too bad I’ve been dating people who seem to have commitment issues or “cannot give me what I want”. But what I want is pretty ordinary in any healthy relationship,.........

4. Would I date me?

I would say yes, I think knowing myself, I am a more fun person who can live a life free of guilty conscience. I am not exactly a morally bad person I think? I think I am a mentally strong person despite all of life shits thrown at me, and I am a committed person once I think I am the person for me. Just look at me in my previous relationships, trying to stick by the people I thought who loved me until they told me they couldn’t. Also, my looks ain’t that bad if I take care of myself well

Of course, there’s some aspects of me that may not be dateable. For example, I’m messy, disorganised, overly emotional at times. I may be passive at times as well. I am not exactly the kindest person as well, I take more than I give. Oh well, no one is perfect right?

5. Who was he really?

Wow... a miserable, narcissistic, cynical and all round horrible person. I might be biased because he cheated of me and broke my heart, but I really never expected him to be this heartless. To be asking me “Why are you so upset since its not your fault”?/?? Like hello are you dense or stupid or just fucking ruthless? I am upset and heartbroken because I LOVED YOU. Yes, you warned me this is the kind of person you were, but yet I am so dumb to love you and accepted your flaws. I thought my love was enough for you. Oh well, at least when the next person tells me that, I would gladly fuck off next time, because who knows when they will use that against me. Thank you for showing your true colors again and again. I think I was just blinded because I accepted the fucked up person as you are. Fuck you, you miserable shithead and for telling me all these lies at the start of our relationship. fuck you for rushing into this, and pressuring me to date and have sex with you even though I had my reservations and I would have taken things slow. Fuck, typing this out just made me realise how much I gave in to you. And that makes me sad because I comprimised so many of my beliefs just to get together with you. You really did make me feel like a fool in the end, fuck you. 

6. What is my limiting belief?

Living in this city can be such a lonely thing. When I was single, I let myself do situationships and FWBs and hook-ups, but all these just served to make me feel empty in the end. I thought I could be happy on my own, but thinking about it now, I had the help of many passing men in my life to distract things. Now that I’m not about that lifestyle anymore, it really does make me feel small and empty and lonely here. I guess my limiting belief would be that no matter how hard I try to want to be okay with being alone, I am still scared that I would actually end up alone, even though being alone may not be such a bad thing.

My limiting belief is also that I think I might never be able to find someone who 100% compliments me. Idk why that scares me so much and its such a sad thought, which is why I tend to settle and comprimise for people who may not be so good to me. Will I be able to find someone that aligns with my life goals, while being able to understand and connect to me? Whoever you are, I hope I can find you someday. 

7. What are my plans for me?

It does seem tempting to jump back to dating apps in hopes to find someone again, but I know that is not going to help in the long run. I guess i have to use the next couple of months to really re-evaluate my life and what I want next. Perhaps it is to focus on my career while learning how to manage the hectic-ness that comes ahead, and to form healthy habits like exercise and regular therapy to improve on my well-being. I also want to take the time to connect with my friends and meet new ones again, they have been so helpful to me, being there for me at my worst when I felt like this pain was just too much to bear. I realise now I do have a very good group of friends, and I want to be there for them even if I get into another relationship.

It kinda sucks having to go through this process of breakup again, not going to lie, but I want to take the time to have a clean slate of mind before jumping back to the dating game. and this time, I am not playing any games or taking shit from people who don’t matter. I want to learn how to respect myself enough to walk away from shitty people and situations, I want to learn how to protect my heart better, I want to be a better person for me. I want to love myself more so I can eventually love someone else just as much as I love me. And if that someone never comes? I want to learn to truly accept being on my own. I thought I had that nailed down previously but I guess some lessons need to be re-learnt again. 

If time goes well, I should be able to date again in a few months. I dont really think I have to take many months again to see if Im ok with a relationship again. Because I know its something I want to pursue at this point, and this process may take a long time anyway. So in the meantime, I will just learn how to take everything with a pinch of salt while I put myself out there again.

I am proud of myself for trying to take the healthy way out and trying to heal healthily from this, even though this path feels so lonely at times. But I have to do it for me...

[remindme2breathe]

Inspired and alone

I just wrote a recent entry about how I made my money. In that I mentioned a patient who inspired me. It’s been a few hours since I posted that and could not stop thinking about this notorious patient... I gotta get it out... I gotta just tell it! 

We will call him Amazon (it’s the first word I saw when I looked up, sorry, I’ll try and be more creative next time). Amazon was about 82 when he landed a spot in my unit of the hospital I worked for. I’ll admit that when I first met him I didn’t think he was any more special then the 60 year old in the next room, to me, a patient was just that: a patient! The hospital I worked at has a wing for the Wealthy, I didn’t work that wing, I worked the ER right next to it. While I saw the druggies, drunks, rape victims and stabbings (the list goes on), just on the other side of the wall lived a land where the patience laid on temperpedic mattresses, had one nurse for every two patients (while in ER you take on about 6-10 depending on who’s scheduled). Everything was different, it was like coming out of a high end store and walking right into the hood! Literally, that’s how different it was. While our waiting rooms had wait times of up to 3 to 4 hours, that wing had a special phone line for these wealthy members to call and announce their arrival, at which point the linens were placed, bed available (not shared), a fruit basket for their guest to enjoy while waiting in their own private living room. Their menu was ridiculous too, ‘ridiculous’ when you compare it to the soupy salt less mashed potatoes, stale graham crackers and watered down orange juice. That wing had dinner options for the guests (up to 2), salmon, some type of roast or something else. Their water came in bottles and water glasses. The patients had to survive on a better quality diet that it typically suggested by the attending Doctor. Their were several perks to being in that wing, one being the awesome accommodations, the second, YOU WAIT FOR NO ONE. There is a Doctor available. Can’t find yours? THEY WILL FIND HIM AND BRING HIM TO YOUR ROOM. On that floor, it was said, that when a Doctor has his patient in that wing, they do not leave (they stay in a designated resting suite) because they have 10 minutes to report. This comes with a hefty membership cost. Back then (2015) I believe I heard someone say it was upwards of a 150K ‘’donation’’. Today I KNOW FOR SURE THAT DONATION IS A LOT HIGHER. 

I had a friend who worked in that wing, she always complained about how BOUJEE her patients are or how demanding their guests are, I just smiled and listened. I kinda knew the feeling but had no desire to fuel her opinions, we all had problems with patients, but this is what we signed up for! While I was standing in her nurses station I noticed how many nurses would go to lunch at the same time, I was shocked. The ER was permitted one at a time, if the day was slow (which hardly happened) you’d be lucky not to eat alone. While I stood there I was noticing other tiny differences. For instance, they don’t have crash carts near by, they don’t have many assistants, in fact I think they had way more records people on the floor then actual nursing staff. As luck would have it someone started Coding. Apparently this didn’t happen often as I looked at my friend and she looked lost, as though she had no clue what to do! I yelled at her to call ER for a crash cart and to call the MD on call. I bolted to the patience room and immediately started my ER shift. Thankfully the patient pulled through and this brought great attention to the response time. Can you believe that floors director had the gull to yell at me for responding! Because it wasn’t my floor! OMG, the nerve! Needless to say she was fired for that among other things, but that’s neither here nor there.  Directly across the hall was patient by the name Prime, first name Amazon (I know, I know! Next time, I PROMISE I’LL TRY HARDER!) who would one day turn into my best friend. 

A few days after that happened I was given an award via the hospital for my quick thinking and whatever else they wrote on it. With that came a gift basket and a sealed envelope. I thought it was quite amusing when they said the envelope is from a patient of the hospital and they were under strict orders not to open it. They suggested playfully for me to read it out loud, to which I kindly declined. On my lunch hour I sat in my car and opened the envelope. Inside was a $25.00 gift card to starbucks <3 and a short handwritten letter from the Prime Family. They said they watched the whole event and were incredibly impressed with my quick response and ability to help. They admitted that although they do not know the family of the man who Coded, that Mrs Prime took it upon herself to let them know who saved their family member. I’ve been told that Mrs. Prime also ripped the hospital a ‘new one’ for its lack of education for the staff- I never bothered to see how that turned out. They left their phone number and ask that I call it because they had some questions for me. Of course that struck a curiosity. What could these people possibly need to ask ME? I waited a few days (no one wants to seem desperate), and oddly enough when the day came, I felt nervous. 

When I called it rang exactly 5 times when a cheerful voice answered ‘Hello, This is Mrs Prime’. WHO ANSWERS LIKE THAT!!! Important people I guess. I said something lame “Hi, I got a letter asking to call?” I had nothing clever to say! REALLY!!! She giggled and said ‘’I didn’t think you were going to call! I’m so glad you did! My husband and I would love to sit and talk to you about a potential position, if your interested”. At that time I was working at the hospital, I had a decent schedule, benefits, and was established, but where there is an opportunity to grow, I will always entertain the idea. She asked if I can come by their home the very next day. At first I was a little hesitant because these are complete strangers, what if they murder me? Or what if they try to get me to play some kinky game? Ewww. Anyway, I went. 

They lived in a very expensive country club in our area. I couldn’t believe it. I fell in love with just the front of their house, as I sat in my car I prayed to be kept safe and to not fk up my words! I felt I took an eternity to walk to their front door, but the walk was nice. They had a tiny river running under the walk path, fruit trees on both sides, everything immaculate! I reached the 23 steps to get up to their front door. I knocked on the enormous steel double doors. A Hispanic woman opened the door with the biggest smile on her face. For a split second I thought of that movie GET OUT, I thought GIRL IS YOUR SMILE SUPPOSE TO GIVE ME THE SIGNAL? WHATS GOING ON! She asked me to come in. Standing in the entry way really made you feel tiny. There was beautiful artwork and busts on custom built cut outs, polished concrete floors- impeccable. I was at a loss for words. The woman walked me towards a grand living room (I bet my living room would fit in there maybe 5 times! No exaggeration). They had an over-sized ivory colored sectionals (ahh, the luxuries of not having small children in the home) with light grey and cream colored throw pillows surrounding a glass coffee table. They had a small marble cheese platter, so fancy these Prime people were! Mrs Prime immediately stood up and shook my hand, and on a recliner was the top of a balding head with a sea of white hairs. She cheerfully said “This is Dr Prime” he reached his old wrinkled hand out to shake my hand, a firm grip. He was not all smiles like his wife, he was more serious. He had CNN on the lowest volume. He was not for chit-chat, he immediately gave me a short background of himself. He said he has been a Doctor for over 45 years, he explained that he became handicapped because of a bad knee surgery that could not be reversed, hence keeping him from all his social activities. He walked at snail speed and used a walker, he was embarrassed and felt like a burden to his family, he didn’t say it directly but I heard him loud and clear. He said he appreciated my professional performance at the hospital and wanted to offer me a full time position in his home. To me this seemed like such a risk! I had kids to take care of! I can’t leave a solid stable job for something that can potentially go bad. I explained my circumstance and said I was flattered and appreciated his interest in hiring me but that I couldn’t risk not having money coming into my home in the event that he fired me for whatever reason. He laughed, the kind of laugh that almost says ‘don’t be silly’. I looked confused because these are moments I only watch on movies, these things don’t happen to me. He said he will have his lawyer draw up a contract and to let him know what I want (yes, this part was a little creepy, there’s millions of nurses who know as much as I do, WHY ME!). I joked and said ‘’Dont play with me Mr Prime! I’ll ask for everything, including your walker! Then what are you gonna do!” Everyone laughed, it was at that moment that I noticed a ‘CLICK’ between all of us. Humor was his way of facing everything, a shield I often used when I’m nervous. He said he noticed that he was putting me in a difficult situation then proceeded to ask me question, “what does the hospital offer you that you feel you can’t let go of?” I said “my insurance, my kids benefit from that”. Then he asked “what about the hours you work, do you like those?” I said ‘’not really but it’s responsibility”. He then said “I WANT TO HELP YOU, and I need you to help me, we both are taking risks, you ready?” The way he delivered his words locked me in, he seemed so absolute and confident. It took me a minute to answer when he said “this is what we will do, give me one week to have my lawyer draw up a contract that will make us both happy. You can then review it and decide at that point, what do you think?” To that I did agree. 

Exactly a week later, his housekeeper... no, assistant? no... right hand woman to the Mrs? no... I still don’t know what to call her, it wouldn’t even matter, because I didn’t know then that I was eventually going to take her job. Anyhow, She (oh gosh, we need to name her guys! We will call her Rosa, truthfully, I think her name really was Rosaline, or Rosemary or something like that) called and said Dr Prime would like to see me this evening, I agreed. After my shift I went to his mini-mansion and found him, his wife, and two other men in suites sitting at a round cherry wood dining table. I felt so out of place! Here I am showing up in crocks and scrubs and these people look like their about to have some fancy dinner. The house smelled GREAT! Someone was cooking, I know it wasn’t Mrs. Prime. Anyway, I went and sat across them (talk about feeling like your in the Lion’s Den). One of the men in the suites introduced himself and said he is an Estate Lawyer for the Primes and that he will be reading my contract to me. I have that contract in my possession but its LONG! So I’ll highlight the benefits. 

If I took this employment opportunity I will be required to travel with the family. Certain accommodations will be available for my family in the event that the trip is more then 2 days or out of the Country. I was to receive a Vehicle to be used only for trips that Dr Prime needs to be transported. I will be responsible for all medical equipment and prescriptions in accordance with his personal MD. I am to be available to the family 24 hours a day with no days off (I know, hold on, I’ll explain), If I get sick I am to schedule an assistant and visually be of assistance from my location to ensure safety and organization. I will have access to a Credit Card for any work-related expenses (Pay attention, this gets better). In case of personal family issues, arrangements will need to be made known to Dr and Mrs Prime as soon as possible. In taking this position I will be allotted $1,000.00 in uniforms including shoes a year. This position will require me to overlook a private chef who will prepare breakfast and lunch for Dr. Prime. On Occasion I will need to ready him for social events. In the contract it stated that in case something should happen to Dr. Prime that I will have a year’s pay.  There’s more but this was the gist. I was overwhelmed, THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN TO ME!!!!! They covered everything! All my worries were spoken for. I looked at Dr Prime straight in the eye for what seemed like forever. I felt like he was saying IT’S GOING TO BE OK the whole time... I signed. 

I turned in my immediate resignation at the hospital and quickly went to work. One the first day he said to get my car keys, there was a beautiful black Range Rover that was to be called my WORK vehicle. I asked how this was suppose to work? Am I suppose to leave it here? He said no, you take it home, your on the clock 24 hours a day, you need it. OMG!!!!!! Then he said there was fine print that was not included in the contract but that I needed to know about- awww shit! Here we go. He said “my wife and I are snow birds, we will be here 5 months out of the year and the other 7 months we spend it in Vermont. I CANT GO TO VERMONT FOR 7 MONTHS!!! He quickly came in and said “you are only on the clock until I am settled in out there, when the time comes for me to go back, you will pack up everything, ship it, fly with me, and hand over my records to my daughter who lives out there and has an assistant to help me” He informed me that it would be like a vacation and my kids are welcome to go as well since this process usually takes about 2 weeks. He said the car can still be used because I am still on the clock according to my contract. 

Fast forward a few years. Him and I became the best of friends. He was a great debater, I enjoyed out conversations. He was to me what Tumblr is now... my personal therapist. He always had great advice and truly came to care for my family, and my family for his. 

There’s a lot to say about him, and I will eventually. It still hurts to not have him around. Although I stayed fairly close to his children and wife, he is a massive existence that can never be replaced. He was my financial guide, he told me how to make money that can work for me. My job was easy with him, I think the emotional part was the most challenging. Aside from his physical ailment, he suffered with depression and has mentioned not wanting to be around anymore. As a matter of fact, at one point he took some pills he knew he wasn’t suppose to have, they were his wife’s. He was rushed to the hospital, as soon as he was himself again I dropped the bomb on his old ass! What a selfish move! And not that I struggle with my own anxieties, I can understand the feeling, I wish there was more I could have done to help him with that. Side note: no, he didn’t die of suicide, it was natural causes. 

In the end, when God took him home, I was home. It was about 9:30 a.m. when I got the phone call from his house, and it was his daughter crying uncontrollably. I obviously got worried and said IM ON MY WAY, she said “No, It’s not that, my daddy passed away this morning” I dropped to my knees and cried. I remember because I was in my backyard doing yard work with my kids. I remember they hugged me, I was numb for weeks to come. About two weeks later his wife called me to help her with some things. When I showed up, her kids were there too. They all hugged me and cried quietly. Mrs Prime said she needed me to fly with his remains back to Vermont because no one else had the strength to do it. I agreed. Before I left Mrs. Prime said the lawyer was going to contact me in a few days, I cut her off and said “really, I don’t want anything, he was a great friend and you all have been so kind to me” she just smiled and said it again “the lawyer will call you okay”. About 3 weeks went by and a lawyer called to come to his office. When I went he said that Mr. Prime added me to his will and requested a few things for me. 1. My vehicle keys will be surrendered to lawyer for updated vehicle. 2. I will receive pay from the Family Trust for 3 years of the same amount discussed. 3. 2 College accounts have been started courtesy of the Family Trust for my two boys. 4. All bills for my household will be covered by the Family Trust for one year. 5. A letter. 

I was as white as a ghost. I definitely didn’t deserve that! The lawyer handed me a manila folder with a single white envelope that read the following:

MY TRUEST FRIEND, 

I WISH I COULD SAY THAT LIFE IS EASY KID, BUT WE BOTH KNOW IT’S ONLY EASY FOR THOSE WHO REALLY WANT IT THAT WAY. I’M WRITING THIS TO SIMPLY SAY THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR MANAGING TO MAKE ME SMILE AND FEEL ALIVE. FOR NOT TREATING ME LIKE A DYING MAN. THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME AND MY FAMILY ENTER YOUR HEART LIKE YOU ENTERED OURS. THANK YOU FOR NEVER LEAVING MY SIDE WHEN I WAS TOO SCARED TO ADMIT IT. I WISH YOUR BOYS SEE YOUR WORK ETHIC AND EMPATHY FOR PEOPLE AND ABSORB THAT. YOU ARE A GIFT! PLEASE TAKE CARE OF MRS PRIME, YOUR CONTRACT IS NOT OVER UNTIL SHE’S GONE. YOU WILL HAVE A FOREVER JOB HERE, AS LONG AS YOU WANT IT. THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS KEEPING ME IN YOUR PRAYERS AND FOR SHOWING ME THAT HONESTY AND NOBILITY STILL LIVES. ILL SEE YA AROUND KID! I LOVE YA!

[24hs]

Ablaze

summary: Jeongyeon and Mina, Mina and Jeongyeon. This is about the fire that is their love for each other and how they’ve become one.

pairing: jeongyeon x mina

genre: fluff

words: 4700+

also readable here

ablaze

əˈbleɪz/

adjective

1. burning fiercely.

   "Their clothes were ablaze."

2. very brightly coloured or lighted.

   "Seoul is ablaze with colour in autumn."

3. filled with anger or another strong emotion.

   "Her eyes were ablaze with excitement."

Asking for love advice probably wasn’t the worst idea, but coming to her friends with it was. 

“Repeating”, Jeongyeon deadpans. “Repeating”, Nayeon agrees, nodding. “Thats the plan? Building up mutual habits and patterns?” Jeongyeon makes two peace signs and bends her knuckles when quoting what Nayeon said confidently earlier. “Just keep annoying her like you already do”, Dahyun nods, too, “She’ll grow attached to you eventually. Like Sana’s snorting, in the beginning I couldn’t stand it, but now? Can’t even fall asleep without it.” 

“I want to be more to Mina than just an annoyance, Dahyun”, Jeongyeon groans. 

(“I snort?”, Sana asks Dahyun, and Dahyun is suddenly utterly interested in her fingernails.) 

“I dont think thats possible”, Nayeon frowns, “you’re kind of a pain in the ass.” Jeongyeon throws a bag after her. 

Jihyo - the only one giving the issue the appropriate thought - smiles at Jeongyeon encouragingly. “Doesn’t hurt to try it, does it?” 

Jeongyeon doesn’t think so - it comes from Nayeon and Dahyun, after all -, but in the end she doesn’t have any other options. 

She wishes she had. 

Mina’s face when Jeongyeon sits down next to her without a word of explanation during lunch is priceless. Jeongyeon would have probably laughed if she wasn’t so nervous and, well, if it wasn’t the ethereal, smart, graceful Myoui Mina. She gulps - her knuckles, clasping her meal tray, turn white – and then starts eating. Her hands are shaking. She tries to focus on the dull lettuce she’s chewing, but the only thing she can sense is Mina’s glimpse burning on her skin. 

“You’re Yoo Jeongyeon from literature class, right?”, Mina eventually says - states - and Jeongyeon almost chokes on her food, trying to answer as quickly as possible. 

“Yes, we also have Math together, but it’s no wonder you didn’t remember, I sit in the back and because of that I have to wear my glasses, my friend Chaeyoung- do you know her? She’s an underclassman, but I think she’s known for her art and stuff.. oh, anyway, she says I look like a whole different person with my glasses because they’re kind of old fashioned and round, but I think they’re still very pretty, do you want to see them?” 

Mina blinks once, obviously overwhelmed with Jeongyeon basically spouting words, and Jeongyeon can feel the burning heat of embarrassment crawling up her neck.

Great job, dumbass, now she thinks you’re a loser.

“Sure”, Mina answers, sounding anything but sure, and Jeongyeon panics for a second because she forgot what she asked - being too busy scolding herself - and then she fishes her glasses out of bag. (She takes her time so her face can cool down a bit. It must be as red as the ketchup besides Mina’s French fries.)

“Here they are.” She puts her hand out, clearing her dry, so dry throat, and Mina takes them with caution. She looks at them for a moment and then gives them back.

Jeongyeon suddenly realizes that she probably didn’t know what to look at - it’s just a fucking pair of glasses - and her embarrassment reaches its climax.

“Thank you for sitting with me today, Yoo Jeongyeon, but I have to go now”, Mina says, her voice as quiet as usually, and yet it rings loud in Jeongyeon’s mind. She bows her head quickly in her direction - Jeongyeon’s face flushes even more - and walks out of the cafeteria before Jeongyeon can say anything (something along the lines of “Wait”, “I love you” or “I’m sorry for being a creep”).

Jeongyeon stares into the air for a second (processing the whole scene) before burying her face in her hands.

She was so going to jump off a cliff.

(Needless to say, she was never going to take advice from Nayeon ever again.)

(This statement doesn’t include her other friends.)

While her friends are having fun, Jeongyeon sits in a corner, alone, and sulking. Why did she think talking to her was an good idea? She should have just ignored her in classes.

Why, why, why?

Momo jumps next to her, sitting down on the couch. “Are you still pouting?”

“No”, Jeongyeon grumbles.

“Come on, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

“You’re right, it was even worse than that”, she scoffs. Momo nudges her - more or less gently. “Wanna hear a tip?”

“Not really, no.”

“You always have to be the first.”

“What?”

“When she falls, you have to be there to catch her. When she’s sad, you have to comfort her. Make her need you. With that, she’s going to fall for you in no time.”

Jeongyeon frowns. “Who are you to give me date advice? You have zero.”

“I dated!”

“Who?”

“I made out with Nayeon once, remember?”

“That’s not what dating is, Momo.”

But despite her mocking words, Jeongyeon is convinced.

(This was probably going to be another bad decision.)

The next days, Jeongyeon watches Mina. Of course, she doesn’t want something bad to happen to her, but it would be a good chance to act like - damn, she doesn’t know - a prince, maybe? (Sana said girls like to be taken care of, but Jeongyeon doesn’t trust her when it comes to an opportunity to expose Jeongyeon’s inner loser or, to be straight, to make her die from embarrassment.)

When the chance pops up, Jeongyeon almost fucks up, but she gives herself an C for the overall act.

Mina trips and falls to her knees - Jeongyeon didn’t know Momo meant the falling part literally -, and Jeongyeon hurries to help her up-

And slips, too.

Mina looks at her for a second, already half on her feet. “Did you fall on purpose so I wouldn’t feel bad?”, she asks, her cheeks pink, and Jeongyeon reddens, too.

“Uh, I wanted to help you and-”, she stops herself. “Yeah, that was totally the plan.” She hears a light chuckle and is already close to jump on her feet to fight whoever the fuck is laughing about them when she realizes it’s Mina. “Thank you, I appreciate it”, she says, covering her mouth with her hand and Jeongyeon is both really amazed and overwhelmed - because she just made the ethereal, smart, graceful Myoui Mina laugh and fuck, she’s cute when she smiles that way. It’s the kind of the smile Jeongyeon wants to see every single minute of every single day in her life.

“No problem”, she squeaks, and in the end Mina helps her up because her knees are suddenly made out of jelly and she can’t move at all. “See you in class, Yoo Jeongyeon”, Mina says, still chuckling. Jeongyeon widely grins at her and they stay like this for a moment, until they both part their ways. Jeongyeon brushes her left hand, where Mina touched her, with her right index finger. She’s is flying, floating, free. Her heart is light and her smile bigger than ever. (Chaeyoung tells her that she looks like an lovestruck idiot, but she doesn’t care.)

Her relationship - if you can call it that way - with Mina is finally evolving, and she hopes Mina can forget her awful first impression.

Slowly, literature and math become her favorite subjects, even though she doesn’t spend any attention to them.

Jeongyeon really, really wants to sit next to Mina, but she has found friends that now surround her whenever she’s alone, even if it’s just for a second. (Jeongyeon is glad Mina has someone she’s close with, but why can’t she become close with her, too?)

So she just glares at Mina when she can, wondering how a single person can be this pretty.

(She doesn’t notice that Mina turns her head in Jeongyeon’s direction from time to time.)

This time, Mina isn’t baffled when Jeongyeon sits down on her table. Or rather, their table - her new friends are right next to her, eyeing Jeongyeon with confusion.

(Jeongyeon can understand that, after all, Mina has probably never even looked at yet mentioned her. They must think she’s crazy.)

“Hi”, she smiles, and even though it’s a shy one, Jeongyeon is melting. “Guys, this is Yoo Jeongyeon. This is Lisa”, a girl whose hair-ends are dyed in neon green waves at Jeongyeon, “that’s Mint”, the small girl smiles brightly, “and this is Sorn.” Sorn has a small, cute face and makes a peace sign before giggling. Jeongyeon greets them, suddenly shy rather than brave. “How did you guys meet?”

“There is a schedule for foreigners so we can get to know Korean culture better”, Lisa says.

“Yes, we met Minari there”, Mint adds with a cute accent, stressing each syllable of her nickname for Mina. Jeongyeon nods, unsure if their relationship is stable enough for her to tease Mina about the pet name. (She wants to, though!)

She tangles her phone out of her pocket when it starts ringing and answers it. “Yes?”

(In the meanwhile Sorn asks “Minari” how Jeongyeon and her met, and Mina struggles to answer. She also blushes. Jeongyeon doesn’t notice.)

"What are you doing, you idiot?”, Nayeon’s voice snarls directly into her ear. She can hear Sana laughing in the distance. “Hah? What do you-”

“Get that girl’s number! Make up an excuse to leave and then smoothly transition to something like ‘Hey, I just noticed I’ve lost my number, can I have yours?’”

Jeongyeon scoffs, forgetting that four to six people are watching her (she’s not sure if Nayeon and Sana do, but Mina and her friends sure glare at her). “Get lost”, Jeongyeon mumbles into her phone before hanging up. “Everything alright?”, Lisa asks politely. “Yeah, uh, sorry, need to go. Catch up on school. Didn’t spend lot of attention at class today.”

“Yeah, I noticed, you were staring at M-”, Mint starts but ends up muffling since Sorn quickly put her hand on her mouth.

Mina blinks.

Jeongyeon knows she’s practically a genius, but still hopes she doesn’t figure, can’t put one and one together because if Mina notices that Jeongyeon has a massive, stunning crush on her she will literally die from embarrassment.

(Jeongyeon is bothered by the presence of Mina’s friends, she thinks it’s just an introverted thing, but without the typical signs of it, her heart and stomach act up, but it’s in a different way. When she tries to explain it to Sana and Momo, they just share a glance with each other. “Maybe you should try to avoid her for a while”, Sana suggested, nose crunched, and Momo continues:“ So she’ll miss you.” Jeongyeon, however, decided not to do that, mainly because she simply cannot. Mina has become a part of her daily life. The world is uninteresting and dull and bland without her and she can’t live like that anymore.)

“How is it going?” Chaeyoung asks, obviously bored, and lays her head on Jeongyeon’s shoulder, trying to read the book that’s opened in Jeongyeon’s lap. “With Mina? Great!”, she beams and turns her head to Chaeyoung. “I think sitting together at lunch became our habit now. Like, when I was sick the other day she even asked Sana where I was. And she’s really shy! I think we are really getting to know each other. Getting warm with each other.”

“That’s cool and everything, but, uh, I was asking about you studying, Jeongyeon.”

“Oh.”

“But I’m glad it’s working out for you”, Chaeyoung lets go of her and sits down on the chair next to her, running her hand through her hair. “Though I think you’re lacking in romantic actions. Poor girl probably thinks you just want to be her friend in a very desperate way and not that you want to get in her pants.” Jeongyeon scoffs. “I’m not trying to get into her pants, Chaeyoung.” (At least, she wasn’t for now.) “Also, what do you mean with ‘romantic actions’? Everything I did so far was pretty romantic.”

“I’m just saying you should show your love better. Buy her flowers, make her some genuine compliments, take her out. That kinda stuff.“

Jeongyeon gets goosebumps.

Love, huh?

She isn’t sure if she loves Mina.

Love is a grave word and Jeongyeon isn’t one to play lightly.

She wants to, though, because loving Mina sounds magical, as magical as Mina herself is, and Jeongyeon has always been the type to believe in some this big, this great.

“Mina”, Jeongyeon starts almost immediately when Mina sits down in front of her (today her friends aren’t with her, and Jeongyeon’s clique accepted a dozen lunchtimes ago that Jeongyeon wasn’t sitting with them anymore).

“Yes, Yoo Jeongyeon?”, Mina asks, smiling lightly, and it turns Jeongyeon’s fluttering heart as light. Everyone else would have made it sound too polite, too dull, but when Mina calls her by her full name, it gives it an almost teasing vibe, something she isn’t known for, but it only gives Mina yet another side Jeongyeon is amazed of.

The ethereal, smart, graceful Myoui Mina has turned into her funny, clever, lovely friend, and it’s even better than before.

As the leafs begin to turn into deep red, pale yellow and strong brown - the colors she associates with Mina, they’re livid yet calm, warm yet cold, pretty in the traditional sense but also in a deeper one only few can guess - her attraction turns into a spark that’s soon to be ignited by her feelings for her.

It’s a dumb thing to say and incredibly, awfully, terribly cheesy, but once Jeongyeon realizes she does, she falls all at once. Mina is now one of her closest friends, if not her favorite person, and Jeongyeon only avoids thinking that because it’s scary how much she suddenly means to her, always meant since their first meeting, just in another way now.

The advice her friends gave her along her way - “Be always there for her”, Dahyun told her, and Jihyo said that she always had to see right through her - naturally became her way of thinking as she wants to take care of Mina well, wants to protect her and wants to make sure no one or nothing will ever, ever harm her.

She  doesn’t make her presents often, though, because she knows Mina wouldn’t appreciate bought stuff as much as hand picked flowers, self-made chocolate, a necklace with a heart shaped locket for a picture Mina can choose. (She doesn’t know what Mina put in. She hopes it’s a picture of her.)

“Where do you live?” Mina blinks, and then makes a movement with her hands as if she would draw a rainbow in the air. “In the moment.”

Jeongyeon stares at her for a second before bursting out in laughter. Mina’s expression changes from deadpanned to smug because her joke worked. “Really didn’t expect that, Myoui”, Jeongyeon grins. It’s adoring to see parts of her own personality in Mina’s, and she noticed that some of Mina’s characteristics were added to her own. They’re complementing each other in a nice way that keeps Jeongyeon warm at night.

Mina smiles widely, her eyes almost disappearing. From all of Mina’s smiles, this is probably Jeongyeon’s favorite. (Just kidding. All of them are her favorites. She could never choose.)

“My parents own a house in Gangnam”, Mina says when they both calmed down. “What about you?” She doesn’t brag, just states, there’s no pride in her voice.

(Jeongyeon loves it, but she loves everything Mina does, so it probably doesn’t really matter.)

“I live with my older sister in Seocho”, Jeongyeon hums. Mina looks like she wants to ask further - the way she blinks and gazes more intensely and her chest rises -, but in the end, she doesn’t.

“Do you want to stay at my place at the weekend?”

Jeongyeon hears herself asking - she doesn’t know why she chose to do so, but it happened instinctively. Maybe it’s because she wants to be closer, even closer to Mina - so close they will ask each other right away when they want to know something. No, she’s sure this is it.

Mina looks at her, eyes soft. “I’d love to, Yoo Jeongyeon.”

Jeongyeon is nervous, which is something she hasn’t felt in a while. Not with Mina.

“Let’s play a game.” Jeongyeon glares at Mina when she lays her index finger on her lips, acting like she is thinking about declining the offer (even though both know she wouldn’t. At least not without a reason).

“What are the rules?”

They sit on Jeongyeon’s floor, leaning against a wall that’s covered in photos from Jeongyeon and her friends, sometimes selcas with her sister.

(Jeongyeon is proud that Mina likes - loves - her room. She knows that because 1. she sees the glowing in Mina’s eyes when she first entered and 2. because she told her herself. Almost in those words.)

“I ask a question and you need to answer as honest as you can. Then it’s your turn.”

“That’s just talking”, Mina laughs, and Jeongyeon grins. She cannot not when she’s with her.

“It’s a game to get know someone’s desires and stuff! So, Myoui Mina, when was your first kiss?”

“Oh, it’s that kind of game? Jeongyeon!” She gives her a light slap on the wrist, gasping, but smiling right after so Jeongyeon doesn’t think she’s serious.

“So? Remember, you need to be honest.” Jeongyeon tangles her hand with Mina’s, with caution, because they were never really the touchy type of people ; but suddenly, if it’s Mina, Jeongyeon wants to touch her more than everything. Wants to know what her hair smells like and wants to know if her lips are as soft as they look like.

Mina squeezes Jeongyeon’s hand and it sends a jolt down her spine. “My first kiss, huh?” She stares in the air, thinking about it, and then says:“Last year of middle school.”

"With who?”, it slips from Jeongyeon’s tongue before she can stop it, and Mina smiles.

“Isn’t it my turn?”

Jeongyeon puckers her lips.

“Yeah. What do you want to know?”

“How many…”, Mina hesitates, “boyfriends did you have?” Jeongyeon glares at her. Mina’s voice flattered when saying the word “boyfriends”, and she’s sure she’s interpreting it the right way. Suddenly, Jeongyeon feels incredibly confident. She has to suppress the everlasting smile that always comes up when Mina’s there.

“I had a girlfriend last year”, she says softly. Mina’s mouth turns into an implied “o”. When Jeongyeon turns her head to the side she can swear she can see Mina smiling to herself, but when she looks at her again, it’s gone (but it stayed in her eyes for she could tell).

“Who stole your first kiss, Myoui Mina?”, Jeongyeon asks, whispers, she can feel her voice vibrating in her throat. “I don’t even remember her name”, Mina mutters, voice unusually husky. Jeongyeon’s heart starts to beat faster, wants to escape the its ribcage and be with Mina’s forever. They’re definitely blurring the line now. If she tried to grab the electric air, she could.

They stay like this for a little while and no one can really disturb them. Mina’s thumb idly brushes over Jeongyeon’s index finger, there is no need for any words.

Jeongyeon realizes that she’s fine if it’s just the two of them, eternally, and even if that amount of time sounds awfully long, Jeongyeon doesn’t mind spending it with

Mina. At all.

“Yoo Jeongyeon?”, Mina asks, breaking the silence, but it doesn’t feel like a sharp cut, rather than dipping something in honey, because that’s what Mina’s voice right now is like - sweet and slow and almost sacred.

“Yes, Myoui Mina?”, Jeongyeon stares at her lips, trying not to, but she couldn’t suppress it if she tried, anyway.

“Do you have a crush on someone?”

Mina’s voice became stronger with every word and Jeongyeon loves it. It means that Mina is overcoming her shyness, that they become closer. If her funny, clever, lovely friend Myoui Mina can be brave, Jeongyeon can be, too.

“Yeah”, she says, almost choking on her words because they want to go, go, go, break out of her heart, “do you?”

“Yes”, Mina breathes out, and Jeongyeon knows they’re experiencing the same thing right now. “I do.”

Mina hesitates for a second, but it doesn’t matter because Jeongyeon knows what she’s going to ask and she’s bracing herself to answer.

“Who do you l-”

Seungyeon tears open the door and Jeongyeon and Mina jump apart, untangling their fingers. Mina looks like a deer facing a car’s light. Jeongyeon isn’t sure if she wants to faint or slap her sister for interrupting them like that. “Um, the pizza arrived”, she says, at least looking appropriately sheepish. Jeongyeon nods, killing Seungyeon with her eyes until she closes the door behind her. Mina stays silent and Jeongyeon stands up, offering Mina her hand ; she takes it immediately. But the spell is broken and they share an unusual tensed silence while eating.

The evening fades and makes space for the night, and they sleep next to each other, side to side, and when Jeongyeon wakes up, the first thing she sees is Mina’s face, looking peaceful, and it makes her calm. She stares at Mina’s nose, lips and jaw line, and when her eyes open, fluttering, she panics, but doesn’t look away because she wants Mina to know how much she adores her. They’re passing the phase where they’re denying their feelings slowly ; at least Jeongyeon thinks that - she’s sure her crush is mutual. She isn’t the type to get blinded, she can see the signals Mina’s sending her, she isn’t just hoping Mina likes her.

Then why does she feel they’ve hit a low point with delaying that conversation (confession)?

It’s the first time since weeks they don’t sit next to each other and Jeongyeon is close to a break down. Mina isn’t in the cafeteria - hasn’t been in school all day -, and she can’t think about anyone else.

"Where’s Mina?”, Tzuyu asks, chewing her noodles. “She must be ill”, Jeongyeon responds, sounding pressed.

Tzuyu nods, and then asks:“ Have you already told her you love her?” Jeongyeon isn’t eating - too anxious, she wouldn’t get one bite down her throat -, but she still chokes on her saliva.

“What?”, she splutters, waving her hand in front of her face so it’ll go from red to its normal color.

“You love her, right? You should always show your love well”, Tzuyu says, frowning.

Jeongyeon glares at her when she calmed down. To her, Tzuyu is still a child, mainly because she takes what she wants. Not in a selfish way, but she doesn’t think about what people could think, she just takes the risks.

“Yeah”, Jeongyeon says, kind of amazed by the conclusion she got into herself, “I love her.”

“Don’t give up, Unnie”, she answers, focusing again on her food. “Take the step.”

When Mina opens the door and looks at Jeongyeon standing in front of her, it awfully feels like their first official meeting. According to Mina’s smile, not only Jeongyeon thought about it. “Hi, Myoui”, she says, grinning. Her anxiety is flaking off slowly, she’s been never relaxed like this with anyone else. Only Mina has this influence on her and she loves it.

“What are you doing here, Yoo Jeongyeon?”, she asks, leaning against the door. Jeongyeon lifts her bag. “Mind if I stay over?”

It’s the same situation as the one last week, but it’s also completely different. Mina’s parents are gone, so they have the whole house - actually, it’s a villa - for themselves. Because it’s late (the stars came out a long time ago, Jeongyeon is just glad she didn’t disturb Mina) Mina suggests they go straight to sleep after dinner.

When they were at Jeongyeon’s they ate pizza on the couch while watching a Chinese movie both didn’t understand, and it was comfortable and chill and calming.

Now, as they are at Mina’s, they sit at a long table with candles and eat something the Myoui’s private chef (they have their own cook) made for them. It gives Jeongyeon family vibes - like they lived together and had their routine, and both ways just felt so right. Everything feels right with Mina, no matter what they’re doing, when they’re together it just clicks and fits like they’re a puzzle with the solution included.

“Hey, Jeongyeon”, Mina whispers. “Are you awake?”

It’s dark in Mina’s room, the only source of light comes from the small gap from the slightly opened door. “Yeah”, Jeongyeon whispers back.

“Want to continue that ask game?”

Jeongyeon can’t suppress a smile. “Would love to”, she mutters, carefully trying to reach for Mina’s waist so she knows where she’s laying. Mina comes a bit closer and now Jeongyeon can see her vaguely. She looks stunning in the soft light (when does she not?).

“It was your turn, right?”, she teases when Mina doesn’t speak up immediately, and Mina snorts (it’s very cute and Jeongyeon melts).

“Who do you like, Yoo Jeongyeon?”

Jeongyeon has never been particularly what they call brave. She may doesn’t look like it, but she’s more the shy and - it hurts admitting it - cowardly type. How often did she have to stop Nayeon jumping down from the climbing scaffold when they grew up, always without the courage to do it herself?

However, Yoo Jeongyeon believes Myoui Mina changed her.

And if she hasn’t, her desire to confess is big enough for Jeongyeon’s courage to reach its maximum.

(Well, almost. She still doesn’t dare to say it. Rather, she-)

Jeongyeon takes Mina’s face in her hands, leans forward and finally kisses Mina, and it’s the best feeling ever.

Mina kisses her back - almost as if she foresaw and solely waited for her to take the step -, and Jeongyeon can feel Mina smiling and she wants to spend the rest of her live like this, with Mina, just kissing the love of her life, because honestly, that’s what Mina is for her. And Jeongyeon has no time to lose so she tells her, tells her that she loves her and did since months and Mina chuckles and says that she fell for her months ago, too, and Jeongyeon can’t help but smile and Mina smiles too and they’re in love.

Jeongyeon loves Mina and Mina loves Jeongyeon and everything is alright.

They’ve come a long way, awkward strangers to close, close friends. A spark that eventually led into fire, and it wasn’t like the love stories in movies, books, comics, it wasn’t a big firework from the start, and honestly, it’s even better this way.

They’re ablazed and Jeongyeon loves it.

[alone-with-company]

✩ - Uh how about Sasha and Alex?

@tinytoadsintophats

Send ‘✩’ for the following:

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice?

Aleksei

Who threatens to leave but never actually does?

Sasha? Because I think it would take a lot for him to actually leave maybe

Who actually keeps their word and leaves?

Sasha too though at the same time, because I also wouldn’t think that he would stay if he felt it would be unhealthy

Who trashes the house?

Hnnnnn, they haven’t really gotten into that intense of an argument, but maybe Sasha when he kinda loses it and zones out

Do either of them get physical?

I don’t think either of them have, but again, if sasha zones out it gets a little...scary

How often do they argue/disagree?

Not very often, though it’s mostly about Alex working too much

Who is the first to apologise?

Both are pretty fast to say sorry I feel, but I’m leaning towards Sasha a little more

Sex:

Who is on top?

Alex is usually because Sasha has this irrational fear that he’ll crush him LOL but they do switch and take turns

Who is on the bottom?

Usually Sasha LOL

Who has the strangest desires?

Uh, I’m not sure actually...? I don’t think either of them have anything SUPER strange that I can think of

Any kinks?

I think Sasha has a thing for bondage...? I HONESTLY can’t remember what else he has; Alex has a thing for handcuffs, blindfolds, and gags.

Who’s dominant in bed?

Alex usually is, unless Sasha is feeling a little more lusty at that time

Is head ever in the equation?

Yes, it very much is lol they both have done so to each other

If so, who is better at performing it?

Alex I think tbh

Ever had sex in public?

I can’t remember if they have or not....? I don’t think so though

Who moans the most?

SashA, that is for sure him LOL

Who leaves the most marks?

Alex I think, or it could be a combination of both

Who screams the loudest?

SAShA DOES LOL

Who is the more experienced of the two?

Aleksei is, though Sasha is starting to get up there lol

Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’?

Both, though more so make love than the latter. It’s more meaningful to them that way

Rough or soft?

Mostly soft, but they do have their rough patches in bed

How long do they usually last?

Idk, it depends on the mood really. Sometimes it’s a quickie before work, other times it’s much longer

Is protection used?

Not with Aleksei, I don’t think Sasha does either tbh

Does it ever get boring?

Nope, they are quite happy with it

Where is the strangest place they’d have sex?

I DONT REMEMBER? Was it Alex’s office? You’ll have to help me remember on this one

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children?

YES TO BOTH

If so, how many children do your muses want/have?

They adopted like 3 didn’t they? Albus, Vincent, Silk....oh and Merry. So 4 kids

Who is the favorite parent?

Sasha, because he’s just a super lovable man and he’s with them a lot more

Who is the authoritative parent?

Aleksei is, Sasha lets them get away with more I think lol

Who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school?

Sasha lol

Who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around?

UHM THIS IS TOTALLY SASHA OK NOLIE

Who turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children?

Both, though Sasha’s schedule is a lot more flexible than Alex’s

Who goes to parent teacher interviews?

Sasha

Who changes the diapers?

Sasha

Who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby?

Both

Who spends the most time with the children?

Sasha

Who packs their lunch boxes?

Sasha

Who gives their children ‘the talk’?

I think it could be a combination of both of them tbh

Who cleans up after the kids?

Sasha

Who worries the most?

Sasha lol so much

Who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from?

Uhmmmm.....They both don’t really swear that much, maybe Aleksei?

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle?

Both do, but Sasha does WAY more 

Who is the little spoon?

Aleksei is lol all the time because sasha towers over him

Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places?

Neither really, though Aleksei might tease

Who struggles to keep their hands to themself?  

Aleksei

How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable?

For quite awhile actually, few hours I’m sure if they’re watching tv or something

Who gives the most kisses?

Sasha

What is their favourite non-sexual activity?

Hanging with the kids, or dancing/teaching Alex to dance

Where is their favourite place to cuddle?

Bed or the couch

Who is more likely to playfully grope the other? 

Alex LOL

How often do they get time to themselves?

Alex gets less becauses of work, mostly during the evening when the kids are in bed

Sleeping:

Who snores?

Sasha??? I think he snores anyways lol

If both do, who snores the loudest?

Sasha

Do they share a bed or sleep separately?

Share a bed!

If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart?

They sleep right on together, no need to sleep so far away

Who talks in their sleep?

Both, but more Sasha than Alex

What do they wear to bed?

Sasha.....boxers or pants? Alex pants

Are either of your muses insomniacs?

Alex is slightly because he works all hours so rip

Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside?

No

Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side?

WRAP EACH OTHERS UP BRO

Who wakes up with bed hair?

Sasha LOL

Who wakes up first?

Depends on when Alex works, but I think it’s usually Sasha

Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other?

They both would do this tbh THough I see Sasha doing it more

What is their favourite sleeping position?

I’m not sure on Sasha, but Alex sleeps on either is left side, or on his back

Who hogs the sheets?

Sasha....

Do they set an alarm each night?

Alex does, I would imagine Sasha does too to get the kids ready for school

Can a television be found in their bedroom?

NNNooo...? No, I don’t think so

Who has nightmares?

SASHA THE BAB

Who has ridiculous dreams?

Sasha as well lol

Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? 

SASHA

Who makes the bed? 

They both would, neither would leave it to be messy

What time is bed time? 

Depends when Alex works, and Sasha I’m not sure, he usually waits up for Alex most times

Any routines/rituals before bed?

Shower, teeth, say goodnight to the kids/bedtime stories lol Maybe a snack or drink?

Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up?

I’m not sure tbh maybe sasha if he doesn’t have enough sleep?

Work:

Who is the busiest?

Alex is for sure, but then again Sasha works and stays home with the kids so....

Who rakes in the highest income?

Alex does

Are any of your muses unemployed?

nope

Who takes the most sick days?

Sasha

Who is more likely to turn up late to work?

Neither

Who sucks up to their boss?

Neither really, though Alex takes in a lot of assignments

What are their jobs?

Alex (depending on verse) acts as a FBI agent/regular cop. Sasha is either a baker/dance instructor

Who stresses the most?

THey both do, but I think Alex does a little more

Do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations?

They both enjoy what they do, though Sasha wishes Alex was less busy

Are your muses financially stable?

Yeah, they are fine!

Home:

Who does the washing?

Both of them do, but Sasha does more as he’s home more 

Who takes out the trash?

Both

Who does the ironing?

Sasha

Who does the cooking?

Both do, but Sasha does more baking than cooking

Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying?

Aleksei might if he forgets while having to leave on a call

Who is messier? 

hnnnggggg I’m not sure, Sasha?

Who leaves the toilet roll empty?

I can see this as an Aleksei thing to do lol

Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor?

Neither

Who forgets to flush the toilet?

Neither

Who is the prankster around the house?

Sasha is LOL because he purposely spiced Alex’s food so it would make his stomach upset and miss work

Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere?

I feel like this is Sasha

Who mows the lawn?

Aleksei

Who answers the telephone?

Sasha mostly for the home phone, Alex always for work or something

Who does the vacuuming?

Sasha

Who does the groceries?

Both of them do, or Sasha while Alex is at work

Who takes the longest to shower?

Sasha

Who spends the most time in the bathroom?

Sasha

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem?

Nope, they don’t worry about that

How many cars do they own?

Alex has one, I’m not sure about Sasha, I think he has one

Do they own their home or do they rent?

Own

Do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside?

Neither

Do they live in the city or in the country? 

in a city because of Aleksei’s job, and Sasha’s job

Do they enjoy their surroundings?

They seem to

What’s their song?

I don’t think we’ve picked one yet, though we have a couple that work

What do they do when they’re away from each other?

THey think about each other lol otherwise they are both busy working at their jobs/Sasha taking care of the kids

Where did they first meet?

Russia, with Aleksei up in a tree

How did they first meet?

Aleksei was impersonating a trainer Sasha’s abusive father had hired, and from then on met Sasha and it rolled downhill from there 

Who spends the most money when out shopping?

Sasha probably

Who’s more likely to flash their assets?

Neither tbh

Who finds it amusing when the other trips over?

I can see them both snickering about a thing like that lol

Any mental issues?

Sasha does for sure because of years of childhood trauma

Who’s terrified of bugs?

SASHA

Who kills the spiders around the house?

Aleksei does

Their favourite place?

Uhhhhhhhhhhh......................I don’t know or remember

Who pays the bills?

Both, though Alex pays more

Do they have any fears for their future?

The worry that Alex might get killed on the job, that Sasha’s father might find them

Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner?

Aleksei 

Who uses up all of the hot water? 

Sasha

Who’s the tallest?

SASHA IS HUGE

Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other?

They both would do this, though I can see Aleksei slip inside more 

Who wanders around in their underwear?

Neither because of the kids LOL 

Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio?

Sasha, I can see him getting really hyped up about the songs. Especially if its the spice girls.

What do they tease each other about?

Anything and everything, light little jokes maybe about their day or what they had to deal with 

Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times?

Neither 

Do they have mutual friends?

Yes, they have many mutual friends

Who crushed first? 

Sasha

Any alcohol or substance related problems?

Does Sasha’s occasional self punishment with household cleaners count?

who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am?

Neither really

Who swears the most?

Aleksei

[oneletterwrites]

have you thought about how other characters fit in the beauty worth au (definitely one of my favorites i love it so much???) for example the nordics? you dont really have to write anything if youre tired, headcanons would be enough (please!!) !

Part of this AU (X)

Runaway Weekend

The final bell tolls over the Cold Kingdom, the last chime before morning comes, or what they consider morning as the days are short and darkness comes quick. Lukas turns his head to see out the window where the looming clock hangs from a building, bells strung above to be pulled on the right time. He glances around him at the bits of parchment scattered on his desk and forgets them.

In a swooping motion he pulls the fur lined shawl over his shoulders, clipping it tight in the front. The stone steps echo as he practically runs down them in his effort to go, his bag clutched tight in his hands. A small stop at the flowing fountain kept heated so it doesn’t freeze, a full canteen lantern, and he’s on his way to the stables.

The horses snort at him as he enters, letting in some of the cold from outside. Snow covers every building and footprints are clearly seen. Lukas approaches the back stalls cautiously to not spook the horses any more. They are larger than any he’s ever seen, shaggy in their coats and woven clothes over their lower leg to keep warm. The horse in the back, black and silver, is just a bit smaller. His in any right and graciously allowed to stay in the stables. His breath comes in small puffs.

He reaches the horse and raises a hand up slowly to pet it’s muzzle. It neighs lowly at him and allows itself to be pulled to touch the top of Lukas’s head in a sign of affection. Like he’s done every weekend he could, he pulls the horse from the stable to the outside. The wind has yet to pick up for the night and for that he is also thankful. His hand grips the reigns tight and he closes the stable door gently enough to not startle the other creatures.

He turns and stops short at the other person there. The cook for most meals, holding tight to his bag that clangs with a pot or two. They stare at each other for a moment until Lukas’s horse bumps him out of his daze. He glances up at his horse then to the chef. He waves them closer and they scurry forward with a smile breaking across their face.

Lukas hoists up their bag next to his then helps them onto the back of the horse. The creature steps in place as it gets settled with their weight. Lukas sits himself properly, glancing back for just a moment to see if the cook is ready. They hold tight to the thick blanket that serves as a saddle and give Lukas a nod. He turns forward and nudges his horse with a tap of his heels.

“Lys, go,” He whispers to the animal. At the sound of it’s name the horse trots forward with more urgency. Together he and the chef leave the main walls and border of the Cold Kingdom under the cover of a night that comes too soon. When they are farther away Lukas taps his horse more and the speed is picked up again, as fast as the animal can go with two people on it’s back.

The wind stings his face and he pulls the rag from his pocket to tie over his face as much as he can. His fingers have frozen in place on the reigns but his horse knows this way as well as he does. The Cold Kingdom looms in the distance, a monument of sharp beauty.

Lukas didn’t want to work there, not for what he had to give up to do so. Most would give up everything to work in the palace, to be deemed worthy of a ‘pretty’ title like the one he has. A menial task worker if anything, one in charge of the actual maids and butlers of the castle itself. It’s decent, one that he can do. A job he earned only because his looks provided him such.

The chef behind him, a friend on accounts, chosen as well for his skill in the kitchen. Tino past the mark at cute and his kitchen work added a bonus to that. Lukas isn’t too sure about his life past the castle, all he knows is they both didn’t want to give up everything to work in the castle.

Far too long in his opinion a gate appears next to the path they take. He hops down, patting his horse as he lifts the latch. Tino nudges the horse forward. As it passes Lukas closes the gate leading into the outskirts of the Cold Kingdom, a place where those deemed unworthy to be looked upon are sent to survive if they can. Lukas and Tino are both guilty of helping them.

He holds the reigns to Lys and walks beside the creature, petting it as he does. He doesn’t want the weight to be too extreme for his companion. His breathing comes in foggy puffs as lights appear in the distance, houses that are still awake or have candles to spare. The small community has what it needs to live and Lukas is very thankful it lives.

He stops at on of the first houses in the line. Carefully he helps Tino down and unlatches his bag. They share an understanding look and though Lukas isn’t one for much affection, he accepts the quick hug with grace.

He pulls himself up onto his horse just as the door to Tino’s house opens. A tall man is there with grease smudges on his hands and face. He drops the rag in his hands in disbelief, an adoring look on his face as Tino comes closer. Lukas waits just long enough to know Tino is safe, wrapped up in the arms of the blacksmith, before continuing on the dark path.

Some look out their rickety wooden window to the horse and person decked in castle garb, but Lukas pays no mind to them. There is one house just at the end of the line with lights glowing inside that has his attention. He slides down Lys once more, guiding her to the shabby made stable and covering her in more blankets to help block out the chill of the night for as long as possible.

The steps creak under his weight and he stands at the doorstep for a moment longer, wondering if what he hopes is waiting for him still waits to see him too. He’s answered by not even getting the chance to knock on the door when it’s opened. A gangly person there with dirt on their face and cuts on their hands stares back at him.

“Emil!” They shout and grab a fistful of Lukas’s clothing, yanking him inside. The house is a welcome difference from the cold as is the embrace he’s dragged into. He catches his breath hard and grips back to the arms around him.

“Luka!” Another voice shouts and another body crashes into him. He wraps his brother up in a tight hold, breathing deeply and nuzzling him close. It’s been too long since he’s seen them. The large fire pits at the castle are nothing compared to the warmth of this home. They stay huddled on floor, clinging to each other.

“How long are you here?” Emil asks, both worry and excitement in his eyes. Lukas brushes some of his brother’s hair out of his face, seeing how much he’s grown in the two weeks he’s been gone.

“Not long,” Lukas admits plainly but there’s a sad hitch to his voice they both pick up. Matthias gently runs his fingers through Lukas’s hair and pulls him close. Emil is wiggled into their hold as they try to forget the sadness of Lukas having to go back to the stone walls that confine him to a ‘pretty’ title. He had been happy living in the outskirts with the unfavorable. Accidental almost he got taken to the castle, not his choice nor Tino’s.

He takes every chance he gets to leave, making arrangements with the other castle managers, slipping notes into Tino’s work schedule to tell him when he’s going home. He doesn’t hate it there, the money pay is fine, most of it heading home to Matthias to take care of Emil and the others in town. He clings to them just a little tighter.

“I made some food,” Matthias says suddnely. Emil giggles and pulls away out of the super tight hold but remains close.

“Is it over the fire?” Lukas asks evenly and the smile Matthias had drops to sheepish. Emil snorts at him.

“It’s frozen now isn’t it.” Lukas deadpans to him . Matthias laughs and scrambles up to find the pot he used to make food. Lukas rolls his eyes and Emil pulls him to his feet, dragging him to a corner where Emil has been diligently working on a small bird wood carving. It’s much farther along than the last time.

Matthias fixes the food easily enough and Lukas is relaxing more and more with the familiar taste of it. The night ends with Lukas leaning on Matthias, and Emil leaning on the both of them.

“Do you have to go back?” Matthias asks once they know Emil is asleep as evidence by his light snoring. Lukas sighs and runs his hand over Emil’s back.

“Yes,” He answers plainly. His mood drops and he can tell by the tightness in Matthias’s hold that he’s not happy with the answer either. There is not much they can do about it either. Lukas has a job to do. He could be killed for disobeying. He rests his head into Matthias and tries not to let his mood sour. He may have a pretty job, but it’s ugly in the ways that count.

[seouliloquy]

have I mentioned how much I hate money?

I talked to my boss at the sandwich shop, and asked if he could at least guarantee me 15 hours for when the semester starts. That’s 390,000 a month, which covers my bases (rent, utilities, internet, phone, transportation) with a little wiggle room. 

Now, this is THE least paying job I have. but it’s close to home/school (walking distance), comes with free food, and a healthy, stable working environment and a boss who actually gives a shit and doesn’t mistreat part-timers/particularly foreigners. It’s like a safe-haven for those of us who work there. So I want to do my best to keep this job. 

After some discussion, he said it would be possible as long as I’m able to take the Friday night and Saturday morning shifts. I was like “OK deal”

However. This sets me up for some other problems. See if you can follow lol

1. confliction with gym class job and tae kwon do lessons

If I schedule a class during registration during 5th or 6th period on any day of the week (so 2:00-3:15 or 3:30-4:45) I cannot continue teaching the gym class on Mondays because I have to be in Jamsil by 3:15, Which means I need to leave Anam around 2:15. Looking at my course prospects and needs, and 영강 options (cause of course i’m gonna take as many of those as I can cause although I enjoy the challenge and experience of taking my courses in Korean...if there’s an opportunity where I don’t have to, and thus avoiding setting myself up for barely passing but getting a chance at an actual good grade...then I would take it. So...because of this... I just might have to drop that job. which sucks because it’s SUPER FUN, and I love the kids. and after that i take the free tae kwon do lesson before i go home. Now, I spoke with the dojang owner, and i said that this is a likely possible case because monday and wednesday are less flexible in classes than say, Friday, which was the other day that I was originally going to also do the gym class, but since he just opened didn’t have enough students enrolled yet. So I told him, if it comes down to it, I would still like to teach the class, but maybe switch me to Friday if he can. I can still make the lesson in the evening on Monday, and still do the one after the class on Friday. I haven’t bought my uniform yet. BUT....if I agree to work at the sandwich shop in Anam until 9 on Fridays, I can’t do either of that. Can’t teach the class, can’t take the lesson. But this is 15,000 won per hour, for 2.5 hours PLUS free tae kwon do lessons, with a 1 hour commute...versus the 6,500 won per hour plus free food and nice working environment for 5 hours with no commute. 

So you can see my concern...

2. confliction with soccer coaching 

The same dojang owner owns the club where i’m coaching on thursday evenings, but in a different location, in southern Bundang area. It takes me about 1.5 hours to get there and back, and approximately 6,000won for the total commute. So in order for me to get there by 4:20 to help take the kids on the mini bus to their pickup spots and start the class by 5, i need to leave Anam by 3:00. So it’s the same situation where taking any class in period 5 or 6 (between 2 and 4:45) will render this job impossible. Since it’s cold out we’re only exercising indoors, and its really boring and limited, but once weather warms up I can actually really coach them with ball skills and teamwork. It’s a fun, legal and safe job too. The kids are growing to like me and i’m getting to like them too. As pain in the butts as they can be in terms of listening and paying attention, i actually enjoy it. It’s not the same as mindless sandwich making but also not entirely mentally draining either, being only for an hour. This is a 30,000 class. 

So between the two classes, I’m earning 270,000won per month, for 16 hours of total work. It’s a really REALLY good deal. I also spend about 40,000 per month on the transportation back and forth, and about 5 hours per week in commute time, but I can study, relax, catch up on news and announcements on Portal (KU announcements) and other stuff, and nap during those times so i dont mind the commute so much. 

Its the timing with my classes that i’m worried about...

and if my boss at the sandwich shop can guarantee 15 hours for me, that’s at least 4 free meals (plus whatever i decide to take home - although i really should be cutting down on the bread consumption lol) and 390,000 won, as I mentioned, for a 60 total hours worked. i can’t acquire any more hours than that, though. This is still nothing compared to the money i made working in the talking bar five days a week for 9k per hour almost every effing day until effing 4am...but still better.

So let’s see...

There are 168 hours in a week, and 744 hours per month (31 days) Hypothetically, if I managed 7 hours of sleep per day, that’s 217 hours per month spent sleeping. = 527 hours remain Plus with 6 classes at 3 credit hours each, that’s 18 hours per week spent in class, or  approximately 85 hours/month = 442 60 hours working at the sandwich shop = 382 16 hours at the two gyms respectively = 366 commute time 5 hours per week = 341 2 hours 5 days a week at the gym is 40 hours = 301 2 hours of soccer 2x per week with Elise = 285 approximately 3 hours per day spent on meals (93) = 192 approximately 2 hours total per day for other random things that take up time (62) = 130 Divide that by 31 days in a month, that’s 4.2 hours per day to do things like rest,  study, walk between classes, and chill.  Which on paper like this seems like a lot of time.

but when i look at it on a daily basis MOST of that free time is on Sunday.

And saturdays and sundays are the most likely times we’ll have soccer games!

It’s all a mess and I don’t know what to do. :( 

there are NO classes that I need that I can take at the times I need...and I don’t have any room for more “general studies” and I won’t be able to graduate at least one semester late. 

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

i got some things to get off my chest.

ummmm. theres a lot on my mind i guess.

it feels kind of weird having a roommate after not having one for so long but it makes me happy to know someone else is home when i do. it’s easy to talk to her or just choose to go straight to my room after a long day. i am happy to have claire here.

amanda decided to stay in st louis for another week and a part of me is hurt that she didnt think to tell me. ive just been trying to give her space after she didnt respond to me last time. i just assumed she was busy and i really do want her to be able to rest back at home and just be with her family. i think i would want to do the same in california so ive been doing my best to just keep some distance between myself and her. i do miss her though. 

i was really happy i was able to be there for her with the whole ICP thing but when wookie casually mentioned how she went to an ICP event recently for the BTJ tour, i felt a little betrayed. did she lie to me? i thought she hadnt spoken or interacted with any of them in almost a year. why would she keep that from me? 

ive also slowly been slowly getting involved with ICP again just by hanging out with Wookie again on Wednesdays and getting to meet new people. a part of me feels like im betraying Lakeview for doing so but i dont want to let them go. 

ive also been doing my best to keep some distance between myself and johnathan&jason. i think i was too clingy and desperate in the past. tho, surprisingly, johnathan recently reached out to me and asked to go climbing together. i agreed and we’re set to hangout on friday which i am excited about. but we dont usually have much to talk about so....we’ll see how it goes i guess! ive been trying to think of things to ask him bc i noticed that he wont share more information than whats absolutely necessary. maybe i can ask him more about how israel is and maybe challenges that arose? we’ll see!?

i really hope the best for him and amanda. tbh, i think i was both of them at one point in my life. too serious and couldnt take a joke. too insecure and just wanted to please everyone. now im here. depressed and just struggling how to move on from here. 

while talking to elizabeth and skylar recently, i was wondering if maybe the reason it’s so hard for me to talk to people at church is bc the people at school are usually a lot more willing to share than those at church? so it feels like im trying a lot harder to carry the conversation bc people expect to be served when they first come to lakeview. 

BUT, i gotta humble myself! bc i was really no better when i first came. and theres nothing to be gained by being “better” anyway.

i really miss old MAST and the meetings we had. i didnt think i would miss everything and everyone so much. it makes me feel sad how much everything is changing. tho i am slowly starting to learn how to let go. esp since jason, johnathan, and amanda have been gone for a while. and ive been pretty distant with pjosh lately too. i just want to allow him to rest during this summer and have fun and relax. he deserves it after such a stressful year. and i do really want to help and support him and make his job easier as much as i can.

im done receiving. i want to help now.

i am excited to be able to hangout with johnathan one on one for once tho. i wonder why he wanted to hangout. maybe bc he knows his time is limited and wants to spend make the most of his time still in chicago with the people he cares about? who knows.

maybe pjosh tipped him off since i asked to meet up with pjosh this week and he couldnt. i do still definitely want to tell pjosh that im thinking of moving to SF. and the more i research, the more right it feels. it pretty much just feels like im planning for my future at this point. but another part of me really doesnt want to leave chicago. i would probably cry a lot on my last day with everyone here. i dont want to say goodbye. i love so many people here so much. i dont want to leave. and at the end of the day, it is my choice but a part of me feels like i have to let go and move on from this part of my life. as much as it sucks and as much as i dont want to, it feels like something i just need to do. sigh.

maybe i’ll ask johnathan what people in NorCal usually do and try to incorporate that into my SF schedule.

i wonder if he’ll ask if i was upset or avoided him before. bc he was more active in talking with me, idk if he picked up on it. i think im okay with telling him i was just upset with them both not bc of anything they had necessarily done but just bc seeing them two just told me that they were moving on and i felt like i was being left behind. which, i talked it through with amanda and felt exponentially better after our conversation. i didnt realize they had talked about the spaces they had cultivated and wanting to keep it the same even tho they were entering into a relationship together. and i could see that and i do appreciate that. but, a part of me will always kinda feel like a third wheel with them. i know they probably wont be super coupley or lovey dovey around me but i will still very clearly know that theyre in a relationship together. that they’re each other’s go to person now. it isnt me anymore for amanda and i never was that person for johnathan. but things change and i’ll always know we wont ever be that close again or anymore. it kinda hurts but im learning to just accept, let go, and move on.

for a long time, my greatest fear was dealing with the fact that no matter how hard i try or how much work i put in, my best will never be good enough. but, after feeling hopeless over my inability to change the hearts of NU students and giving it to God and just trusting in Him in the process instead, it did give me a pretty great sense of relief.

my coping mechanism is to isolate myself. to take a step back and run away and just try and deal with the problem on my own. the reason i became so clingy and latched onto the seniors this past year was because i was so shocked when they actually responded positively and wanted to help me. i didnt know how to properly react to that because it felt so foreign. and i guess i just became too much. even now, i always think about self harming myself or just not telling people how i feel for long periods of time and them finding out by some accident and me feeling so much shame and crying out, “i am so sorry! you were never supposed to find out! you were never supposed to know about this!” sigh.

i guess i have pretty self destructive behavior, haha.

it’s just easier to deal with by myself w/o the variables of other people. not having to worry if im talking too much or being too selfish or this or that. if im the only one trying to solve it, i only have to worry about myself making out on the other side alive.

maybe thats why i want to kill myself so often haha.

i am really stressed out about this whole andrew and sofia thing and i really dont know what to do. a part of me wants to share the gospel with andrew and hopefully rely on God to help him overcome his addiction but if i myself do not currently have a stable faith, what right do i have to share this with him when i know i’ll be questioned and persecuted for it.

but i really dont know what the right course of action is to take now. i think i would’ve been better equipped to answer in the past but now my life just feels like it’s in disarray and i dont know what to do anymore.

i think leaving chicago for a while will be good for me tho. just being able to get away and relax from everyone. i think it’ll help me get a more clear mind. hopefully. hopefully i wont just be stressed over my grandpa and this whole breakup thing the whole time. ugh. i really dont mean to be selfish but i do wish i could just go home and rest and not have to worry about anything! really! sigh.

but anyway, God, i give this to you. im also really hoping that somehow at sa-rang, i can come back to you and be reminded of you are in my life. i feel like i’ve grown so far away from you and it’s become so much more about living in fear and not sharing too much in fear of scaring people away but craving intimacy. i hope i can find that back home at sa-rang, even with all my fears and insecurities regarding that place. 

thank you.

i feel nervous but im doing my best to just trust in you and through this process.

[kissmymongoose]

Well, eventful past 24 hours.

I had ANOTHER dream about zombies. 😱 everytime I woke up, id fall back asleep and it would just be a continuation of the dream. Youd think that once you woke up so many times, youd stop dreaming. 😳

Well, this one was similar to the last one, but also quite different. I was at my grannies and there was a car, well we see zombies and we wanna get away, so we figure we will drive away. There was a big fat zombie in the front seat, he tried to wreck us, but then I gave David a hatchet and he hit the zombie in the head twice, but it never went through the bone good. I try to tell him its not dead, but hes like whatever and we get out of the car. We end up at my house, and i remember letting someone in my room before quickly slamming and locking the door. I go to my window to jump out and there are 2 people, who i cant put a face or name to. They ask what we're doing and I said getting away from the zombies. They said "no, it looks like someone is just trying to scare you" had they not seen the zombies!? I jumped out the window, returned to my grannies, by running through the woods. I see the car from earlier and figure if I can get this nasty fat zombie out of the seat, I can drive up and help everyone. I opened the front door, then went on the opposite side to the back, and tried to 'gently' shove it out. He seemed to be stirring, so i put in two hard shoves but he barely budges. I can tell hes trying to get up and attack me again, so i abandon the car amd start running again. And that was it. It was weird though because throughout the dream I would meet up with different people for a quick minute and then it was like they werent there, until they were? I dunno, it was pretty wild.

David started his new job today, he will be driving the delivery trucks, tractors, and other large equipment at a "farm" 😁 its close by, pays halfway okay, and I think its something hes really going to enjoy. They work with sod, bricks, mulch, and other various things. Its weird being home alone! Hes at work and the kids are at school. I need to do something productive before i go spend time with my aunt and cousin. But after last nights dream fest, im pretty exhausted.

I did go check on the plants, and uncovered my marigolds. The cold didnt hurt them too bad last night, but we have one more night of cold. Im hoping everyone pulls through the cold snap. I know we are gonna have one more cold snap by easter, we ALWAYS do. Every year. Without fail. Thats why I didnt have any green beans last year. I planted all my seeds. I tried to protect them, but late March, we had a cold snap that lasted 4 or 5 days, and they all died. I was pretty upset, but I'm more prepared this year. Not only by having better cover solutions for them, but also im more prepared because, im not going to let me get in my own way this year. Im saving enough seed to plant again if i must. If i dont have to, im just going to plant a bumper crop once easter has passed. As for my fruit trees, if their blossoms dont make it through the cold, there isnt much i can do. My mystery tree has to be between 12 and 15 foot tall. Throwing a sheet over it isnt really possible. As for the plums, im glad i didnt finish clearing out their grove, because they will help me determine who goes. Any of them who have lost too many blooms will go ahead and go. Ill be able to keep the ones that are more in the middle, because theyre being protected by trees on the outside. I really ought to save a few smaller ones to transplant. I want to spread tons of fruit trees throughout our land, so while we walk, we can enjoy fresh fruit, plus, harvest will give us a reason to go walk. 😊

I think a nice warm bath and some breakfast would be nice. Then I can make the beds and straighten up while it warms up outside. I need to hang up and fold some laundry, but im not sure if I will get to it today. Id like to start, and really make a good dent it it though. I dont really know what i want to do. Im going to have to adjust to this new schedule. Oh, and im the responsible one for homework again. David has been trying to help lately, but that's not gonna be possible anymore. Im ready to get a car too, becuase dropping him off and picking him up is gonna get old fast. I'm just glad that we are getting back on stable ground. We we're without a job for a month. I babysat and cleaned homes for income, but it just wasnt steady enough. As it is, we owe Gwen a birthday party from February. 😢 we will be okay though now. We are making money again and we will be able to get back on our feet within a month. Ill get my taxes in a month as well, so thats actually really awesome. Any way, i guess i need to go find food before I get too hungry. So glad we were able to get groceries yesterday.

[mrcoreymonroe]

Aviation As A Career?

There are a lot of people looking at their future who have thought about a career in aviation. Many of those people, maybe most of them, think about aviation in terms of one job: pilot. The truth is, for every person flying a plane professionally, there are hundreds who are working behind the scenes to keep the flying going, doing everything from managing the business of the flight to its safety to the technical care of the aircraft themselves.

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Don’t get me wrong. Flying is a great job, and today there’s more opportunity for future pilots than ever before. The forecast is for a million maintenance and piloting jobs over the next 20 years. Again, with every new pilot job, there will be lots of other aviation jobs that need bright, talented and inventive people to make them happen.

I know about piloting because I’m a pilot, and I have been since I was a teenager. I learned to fly in a four-seat plane at a small flight school. Before long, I started on my commercial and instrument ratings. My thought was to build up hours in the cockpit and then go into flying for the airlines or the military. But like a lot of other people I know, I never became a commercial pilot. Instead, I found another kind of aviation job that I loved even more: aviation writing. I have friends who studied aviation to become pilots only to find themselves as successful aviation business managers, entrepreneurs, communications directors, photographers and government administrators. Like every one of them, I got an opportunity to try something different, and I loved it. And I discovered that every skill I’d learned in my pilot training came in handy in one way or another. And I love my job working as a writer and editor of a brand that’s all about personal flying. In fact, loving the job is one thing my friends in aviation and I have in common. They’re thrilled to be working in a field in which every day is different and seemingly everybody you meet is just as happy as you are, and so am I.

There are times when we make big decisions, and a lot of those occasions happen early in our lives. And those decisions create your future in expected and unexpected ways. You already know that what you choose to study is an important decision, a huge decision, on a par with getting married, having kids, picking a place to live and pursuing your passions.

Here’s what we can do for you right now:

We’ll give you some practical information about aviation careers. How much do you make? What careers are out there? What are the chances of getting a job in a given aviation field?

We’ll provide some hopefully useful information about what kind of education you’ll need for these jobs, where you could get that education, and what kind of additional requirements there might be before you start bringing home a paycheck. This is your GUIDE. To GET a job, GET an education, and GET a career. AVGET!

Finally, we’ll do our best to give you a good sense of what it’s like to live an aviation professional’s lifestyle. Spoiler alert: The aviation life is awesome.

Why Picking The Right School Is So Important

Aviation is different than some fields because, in this world, education and training are everything, or pretty close to it, anyway. For some jobs, the requirements make perfect sense. To be an airline pilot, you need to know how to fly a plane (which might help put your mind at ease next time you go flying).

But depending on which career you choose, the training you’ll need can vary wildly.

As an example, let’s say you want to be an air traffic controller. For that, you need an associate’s degree or higher. Then the government will train you on how to be a controller as part of the deal. Sweet. Are there exceptions to the education requirement? You bet. Working in the military offers options for getting training as part of the commitment, but unlike in the military, when you pick your school in the civilian world, you make the choices, not them.

It’s important to make the distinction between training and education. For many aviation jobs, you need a certificate or degree, and for others, you need hands-on training. For some, like flying an airliner, you need both. So it’s important to know ahead of time what you’re going for and what you’ll need to do to get there.

There are other aviation jobs for which you don’t need any school at all, though you do need job-specific training, which most of the time you’ll have to pay for. To be an aviation technician doing work repairing, maintaining and overhauling airplanes and helicopters, you need both a certificate and on-the-job training. Typically, that means getting a certificate called the Airframe and Powerplant ticket (A&P, for short) or at least be working toward one while you have a job in a shop getting your work approved by an aircraft inspector, which is a step up from the A&P certificate. The bottom line is, there’s no degree required, but training costs serious money and takes serious time. How much of either depends on a lot of factors.

All of this is to say that if you want a career in aviation, you need to take several things into account.

Is travel a part of your dream job? If it is, then being an airline pilot is the ticket. That’s all they do! Flight instructors, who are increasingly well paid, base out of one place and seldom need to travel for work. Figure out the job’s travel requirements.

Is a college degree in your future? If yes, then aim for a job where you get credit for a bachelor’s degree. Strangely enough, to be a pilot for one of the major airlines, you need a four-year degree. It can be in child psychology, but they want that piece of parchment. And, yes, someone with a degree in flight sciences will have a leg up on the person with a degree in Latin.

Do you like hands-on work or more strategy-based jobs? Even if you’re not flying, do you want to be directly around airplanes? If so, a dispatcher, the person who routes and schedules flights and checks the weather (among a dozen other things), might not be your gig. They’re all about airplanes, and sometimes you aren’t even based at an airport!

How much money do you want to make? I know the answer to this one is, “a million bucks a year,” and I know that we can’t always name our salaries. But in aviation, you can come pretty close. Want to be a really high earner? Easy, go into management, engineering or being a pilot (with a major airline), put in your time and watch the income climb. Other professions, like flight instructing, are less lucrative, but you get to fly a lot and do an important service for others, and even those jobs are increasingly well compensated. The flip side, of course, is that the high-paying jobs are competitive and often require book smarts and talent.

Is job stability a big deal to you? There are some fields that are more stable than others. For instance, being an aviation insurance broker is a lot more stable than being a factory technician for small planes. Planes will always need insurance, but the numbers of new planes people buy each year vary by a lot.

The takeaway from all of this is that most of these professions take time. Unlike some other jobs, being in aviation more often than not is fueled by people’s passion for aviation, so they’re willing to invest the time and dough to get it done.

Still, the good news is, if you’re not passionate about aviation now, you probably will be. It has a way of infecting everyone around it. I’ve seen people come into jobs because it’s a good job, and by the time they’ve been there a couple of years, they’re learning how to fly, their friends are all in aviation, and they spend their spare time on a regular basis at some cozy little airstrip, hanging with aviation types.

And aviation types are the best, and I’m not saying that because I am one. I’m saying that because I’ve been in the field for a while, and I know so many incredible people who live a life of aviation. They’re my best friends and, in some cases, my family members, too. And I think it’s safe to say that for just about every last one of the thousands of people I know in aviation, we can’t imagine any other way of life.

And the prospects are only getting better.

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