#relationship growth through non-monogamy

[intiredtea]

Commentary on accusations of Halsin being a cheater because he does not adhere to monogamy.

After seeing a poll go around on who is most likely to cheat amidst the BG3 companions, (all in good fun and for solid fanfic ideas and general discussion which is fine so no salt from me there), I've had some real gnoll-turds show up and clutch their damn pearls at me.

So I quickly sketched out a comic to better hammer home the idea that the equation of "Non-Monogamy = Cheating" is not only not true, but insanely closed-mnided and ignorant. If you're monogamous just say so and move on. Hells, avoid poly conversations and business altogether if it gets yer damn knickers in a knot. This ain't an airport. You don't need to announce your departure from the fandom or friendgroup because someone prefers the color blue over red.

So for my followers, BG3 poly babes, even my non-poly babes who are actually incredibly awesome people, please have my very tired and in no way extensive mini-vent.

Look up the definitioin of cheating. Follow that up with the definition of insecurity. Then finish it with the definition of ignorance. We are way to far into civilization and growth as a community for people to still be screeching like sheltered nobles at the local circus.

Don't like poly or open relationships and don't agree with them. Cool. You're allowed to think and feel that way. Disengage and move on. By all means, the door is right there, darling. Go clutch your pearls at a convent for the fainty-dainty and let me kiss my wife, her girlfriend, and my boyfriend in peace without you peaking through my damn curtains and screaming about it like a punch of pervy creeps.

For those of you who followed for the comics and the memes: thanks for dropping by. How's the family? Where are you at in your current playthrough? Love you. Mwah-Mwah, kisses, darlings. 💙

[saberwitch]

Norn and Family

more Norn cultural headcanons!

(my own personal thoughts, though where possible I have tried to support them with game lore, or at least tried to make them not incompatible. That said, if any of my ideas speak to you, please feel free to use them or adapt/expand upon them! Just tag me if you do so I can see)

The idea of a "nuclear family unit" is foreign to the Norn. As they are culturally focused on building their own personal legends, they tend to be solitary (as per lore), so less weight is put on 'family' as a societal ideal. Family can be blood to the Norn, but it can also be those who one has fought beside in battle, or those who have aided the growth of one's personal legend.

So while the societal ideal of becoming legend tends to paint the Norn as solitary, most Norn do in fact have a pack, and for a Norn, the pack is family.

Monogamy is also a foreign concept to most Norn. Marriage exists, and there are some who see it as a melding of legends, combining with each others' personal glory to strengthen and elevate both (or all). For many, however, marriage is largely an excuse to have a party, and marriage bonds are not necessarily legally binding or enforced.

As with most things they do, Norn love fiercely and aggressively. This often translates to brief relationships and short flings, but it is not entirely uncommon for them to form lasting, lifetime bonds. Lines of friendship and romantic interest are often blurred or non-existent, and a long-term Norn relationship can go through multiple phases and forms of connection.

With all that said, aromantic individuals are also common and are not seen as any different or less valid than anyone else.

Norn do not have the same kind of parent-child bonds as many other peoples. For some Norn, a parent's duty to their child is to set them up for success, giving them the tools and skills they need to forge their legend. For others, parental duty extends only to providing necessary food and shelter, in an attempt to foster independence. Neither of these options is seen as better or worse than the other.

Large families are not common; most Norn are 'only' children. The concept of inheritance is not really a thing, and anything passed down from parent to child must be earned in some fashion. Parent/child bonds are generally given the same weight as friendship. Sibling bonds, while rarer, tend to be seen as stronger.

For personal examples: Saskia and Ruenar have a very strong sibling bond, and this extends to Talyn when they meet her and realize they had the same mother. Despite the fact that Veerle did the bare minimum of parenting and left all three of her girls to fend for themselves while she chased her own legend, she would not (by Norn mores) be seen as a 'bad mother', regardless of how the girls might feel about it.

Saskia and Ruenar have a strong sibling bond. With the addition of Talyn, they also have a pack bond. The sibling bond between Talyn and the Deathsong sisters will come later after they've all gotten to know each other better.

(I have not yet fully considered the ramifications of how all of these headcanons might affect poor Captain Elliss, but the thoughts are there ngl)

[navigatingenm]

A deep dive into still waters: How to self-soothe in waves of Whoosh - Part 5

Understanding and Integrating Your Experience

Self-soothing is not just about managing emotions in the moment—it’s also about deepening your understanding of your emotional landscape and using that insight for long-term growth. In this section, we’ll explore how reflective practices like journaling and self-compassion help you integrate these self-soothing techniques into your life and relationships.

A. Self-Reflection and Journaling

Self-reflection is a powerful tool for understanding your emotional responses and tracking your progress in self-soothing. Journaling, in particular, allows you to document your emotional patterns, identify triggers, and observe how your self-soothing practices are working over time.

By regularly journaling about your experiences, you can gain valuable insight into what triggers specific emotions and how you respond to those triggers. For example, you might discover that jealousy is often linked to feelings of insecurity, and by tracking how self-soothing practices like mindfulness or grounding have helped you manage those feelings, you can refine your emotional toolkit.

Journaling also provides a safe, non-judgmental space to explore your thoughts and feelings in greater depth. This can be especially helpful when navigating complex emotions like jealousy, where underlying fears or past experiences might be contributing to your emotional response.

B. Developing Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is an essential part of emotional regulation. It’s easy to be hard on yourself when intense emotions like jealousy or anxiety arise, often leading to cycles of self-criticism or shame. Self-compassion helps break this cycle by encouraging kindness and understanding toward yourself, particularly when you’re struggling.

This is especially important when self-soothing doesn’t immediately "work" or when difficult emotions resurface. Instead of blaming yourself for not feeling better right away, self-compassion allows you to accept that emotional regulation is a process, not a quick fix.

One way to cultivate self-compassion is through self-affirmation. In moments of distress, try offering yourself reassurance, such as, "It’s okay to feel this way. I’m doing my best to manage this emotion." Over time, this practice can create a more supportive and patient inner dialogue, reducing emotional reactivity and helping you approach self-soothing with greater openness.

C. Applying These Practices in Relationships

While self-soothing is an individual process, its benefits extend into your relationships. When you’re able to regulate your emotions more effectively, you can communicate more clearly, approach conflicts with a calmer mindset, and build stronger, healthier dynamics with your partners.

In ethical non-monogamy self-soothing can play a critical role in maintaining relational harmony. By calming your initial emotional response, you can approach difficult conversations with a partner from a place of clarity and empathy, rather than reacting impulsively or defensively.

Sharing your self-soothing process with your partners can also create more transparency and mutual support in your relationships. By letting them know how certain practices help you, you foster a more compassionate dynamic. In some cases, these practices—such as mindfulness or grounding techniques—can even be practiced together, deepening your connection.

Integrating these practices into your relationships doesn’t mean suppressing difficult emotions or avoiding challenging conversations. Instead, it’s about recognising when to turn inward to process your feelings and when to engage in open communication with your partners. This balance strengthens emotional resilience both individually and relationally, allowing for healthier, more supportive connections.

Here’s the conclusion, followed by a proposal for some accurate references to append to the article.

Conclusion

A. Embracing the Process

Self-soothing is a journey, not a quick fix. The techniques and strategies outlined in this guide are tools that help you manage emotional distress, whether it’s jealousy, anxiety, or another intense emotion. But it’s important to recognise that emotional regulation is an ongoing practice—one that evolves as you continue to deepen your understanding of yourself and your emotional triggers.

By committing to this process, you allow yourself the space to feel, process, and grow. Some days, self-soothing will come easily; other days, it might feel like a struggle. What matters is showing up for yourself consistently, with compassion and patience.

B. Moving Forward with Confidence

As you move forward, continue developing these skills not just for yourself, but also for the people around you. The emotional resilience you build through self-soothing will benefit your relationships and your personal growth, making it easier to navigate life’s challenges with greater ease and confidence.

Remember that self-soothing is part of a larger emotional toolkit. While the techniques outlined here are valuable for managing your internal responses, sometimes external support—whether from friends, partners, or a therapist—is just as important. Use these tools in combination with a healthy support system to foster long-term emotional health.

Further Reading

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. This book provides foundational insights into the neuroscience of emotional regulation and the importance of relationships in shaping our capacity to self-soothe.

Davidson, R. J., & Begley, S. (2012). The Emotional Life of Your Brain: How Its Unique Patterns Affect the Way You Think, Feel, and Live—and How You Can Change Them. This text explores how emotional patterns are wired in the brain and how neuroplasticity plays a role in emotional resilience and self-soothing practices.

Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual. A foundational text on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), this manual provides detailed explanations of distress tolerance and emotional regulation techniques, including the TIPP strategy discussed in the guide.

Hayes, S. C., & Hofmann, S. G. (2020). Process-Based CBT: The Science and Core Clinical Competencies of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This reference helps contextualise CBT’s approach to thought restructuring and behavioural activation, while also addressing critiques about its limitations.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2013). Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. This book is a classic reference on mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR), offering techniques that align with the mindfulness practices mentioned in this guide.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. Neff’s work on self-compassion is directly relevant to the guide’s section on developing self-compassion as a key part of emotional regulation.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. Porges’ work on the vagus nerve and its role in the body’s relaxation response underpins the discussion on the nervous system and somatic practices in this guide.

Overview of this Guide

Introduction

The Neuroscience of Self-Soothing Understand how the brain processes emotions and how self-soothing techniques can help rewire emotional responses.

Therapeutic Models and Self-Soothing Techniques Explore structured approaches like CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and somatic practices to manage overwhelming emotions.

Practical Approaches to Self-Soothing Learn step-by-step methods for building a self-soothing toolkit and applying techniques during emotional surges.

Understanding and Integrating Your Experience Discover how to use self-reflection, journaling, and self-compassion to understand emotional patterns and improve resilience.

Conclusion: Embracing the Process A reminder that self-soothing is an ongoing journey of building emotional resilience and finding balance.

[pippin-pippout]

Sooooo I decided to pause watching only friends a few episodes ago. As soon as I learned Atom was blackmailing Boston I was out. Because I knew Atom, younger brother to the incredibly self righteous Cheum, would not be held accountable by the narrative.

I was hoping he would be (and Cheum - honestly everyone else has the narrative say something judgmental about their choices but never the girl who constantly puts her friends down in the name of “holding them accountable”).

I thought the show had a good setup, with the characters all coming in with very clear flaws. I wouldn’t have minded a happy ending that had focused on character growth for all of them, whether that ended in relationships or as “only friends.” But from what I’ve heard everyone (except Boston) gets an unrealistically happy ending filled with BL tropes.

And for Boston. I’ve read some excellent posts analyzing Boston and his punishment by the narrative. I am ok if he doesn’t have a happy ending because his friends are not ready to forgive him for some really shitty things he did. But the narrative is responsible for a) making it clear that his bad treatment of his friends is what Boston is being condemned for, and b) that the friends all of their own issues and like in real life, our personal issues mean we can forgive some thing and some people easier than others.

From what I know of the finale, that’s not what happened. Rather, it warped what Boston was being punished for FROM: sleeping with his friend’s boyfriend and recording Mew and Ray and holding that over their heads TO: a condemnation of casual sex and refusal to commit to an exclusive relationship. So much so that when he became the victim of defamation for something that was beyond what even he would do, the narrative did not care to get him justice (or even establish that there was a need for justice to be served). Instead, he deserved it for daring to have casual sex and daring to sleep with someone who was so clearly very willing and even pushy about it.

It’s fine if Boston and Nick don’t get their happy ending. It’s fine if the reason is because Nick wants something exclusive and Boston doesn’t. But the narrative should not be framing this as an ongoing punishment for Boston preferring casual sex over monogamy. It’s fine if Mew doesn’t forgive Boston because his trust was violated and it’s difficult to regain that. It’s not ok if it’s because Mew judges Boston for having casual sex. And even if the narrative decides to go with the second option, it still has a responsibility to show that Mew’s judgmental actions are not ok either.

Audiences are capable of critical thinking. And I want to make it clear that when I say the narrative should do this or should not, it’s not because I think it needs to spell out the good and bad things they did without any layers of gray or nuance. But the narrative is created by people as part of a huge entertainment brand in Thailand that is the leading mainstream source for Queer content there (and in the world at this point??). And like with any narrative, the author’s POV is there.

And that POV comes through clearly - casual sex and non monogamous relationships should be condemned, as should addiction. Judgmental and often cruel responses to those things should be celebrated. Some makes are excusable (like cheating) so long as the character commits to monogamy (the social norm) after as a way to repent. Other mistakes (also cheating) are not forgivable even if the character recognizes it was wrong and apologizes, so long as they continue to enjoy casual sex. This POV is what I personally am not ok with because this brand has the power to influence a lot of people’s perspective on what is considered morally pure. That is especially true when it comes to the relatively recent phenomenon of mainstream queer television.

So I probably won’t finish it. It’ll just piss me off. If any of this post is inaccurate to what happened in the show, feel free to reply. As I’ve said I’ve only been keeping up with it lately through the commentary surrounding each episode. Not watching it myself.

Side note: where was Sand with his bat??? That was from this show’s trailer wasn’t it? That’s what made me want to watch this in the beginning!

[heatheratles]

Finding the Right Path to Intimacy How to Choose the Best Couples Sex Therapist Near Me

When intimacy fades, communication breaks down, or desire feels out of sync, couples often struggle to find their way back to connection. These challenges are common, yet few people are taught how to navigate them with skill or confidence. If you have ever typed “couples sex therapist near me” into a search bar, you are already taking a brave first step toward healing and growth.

Working with a couples sex therapist offers the opportunity to not only improve your sex life but also rebuild emotional closeness, enhance communication, and explore new dimensions of your relationship. If you are in the San Francisco Bay Area or beyond and looking for support, Heather Atles provides a safe, affirming, and expert space for couples to do this important work.

Why Couples Seek Sex Therapy

Couples of all backgrounds and identities experience phases of disconnect, frustration, or confusion in their intimate lives. These issues often stem from unspoken expectations, emotional misunderstandings, or life transitions that create distance. Some common reasons couples look for a sex therapist include:

Low or mismatched libido

Difficulty communicating about sex and needs

Loss of emotional or physical intimacy

Unresolved past trauma affecting closeness

Transitioning to parenthood or dealing with aging bodies

Navigating ethical non-monogamy or open relationships

Recovering from infidelity or betrayal

Confusion around desire, fantasy, or identity

Many couples mistakenly believe these problems mean the relationship is failing. In reality, they are invitations to grow and reconnect—with the right guidance.

What to Expect from a Couples Sex Therapist

A couples sex therapist helps you and your partner explore emotional and sexual concerns in a confidential, supportive environment. Rather than focusing solely on dysfunction, the right therapist will help you understand your unique relational dynamic, access desire, and build intimacy through practical, embodied tools.

Heather Atles approaches couples work through the Somatica Method—a body-based, emotionally attuned model that helps people reconnect with their sensations, emotions, and desires. Unlike traditional talk therapy, Heather’s coaching includes experiential exercises that create real-time transformation in how couples relate, touch, and communicate.

Meet Heather Atles

Heather Atles is a certified sex and intimacy coach based in San Francisco who specializes in helping individuals and couples build nourishing, vibrant intimate lives. She brings over two decades of experience in personal development and combines deep emotional insight with clear, actionable guidance.

Trained in the Somatica Method, Heather also draws from breathwork, body awareness, and communication strategies to help couples move beyond surface-level fixes. Whether you are facing a crisis or simply feeling stuck, Heather offers an honest, open, and compassionate presence that allows couples to feel seen and supported.

How Coaching with Heather Works

Heather offers several options for couples who want to deepen their intimacy and connection:

1. Couples Coaching Sessions

These weekly or bi-weekly sessions focus on your relationship’s unique challenges and desires. Heather supports you in learning new communication techniques, rebuilding trust, and exploring physical intimacy in a safe, consent-based way.

2. Reignite Intimacy Program

This is a five-session experience designed specifically for couples who feel emotionally or sexually disconnected. Through guided exercises and coaching, couples learn how to restore closeness, curiosity, and passion.

3. Weekend Intensives

Perfect for couples who want rapid change, weekend intensives are immersive sessions that allow for deeper breakthroughs in a shorter amount of time. This format is ideal for couples dealing with a transition or who are unable to commit to weekly sessions.

All sessions can take place in person or online, depending on your location and preferences. So even if Heather is not physically the “couples sex therapist near me,” her virtual offerings allow her to support clients from anywhere.

The Power of the Somatica Method

What sets Heather’s work apart is her use of the Somatica Method. This approach is rooted in the belief that intimacy is a skill set—something we can learn, improve, and embody through practice. For couples, this means:

Learning how to emotionally attune to each other

Discovering how to communicate desires without fear or shame

Exploring new ways of connecting physically, emotionally, and erotically

Creating space for authentic self-expression and pleasure

Deepening understanding of your own and your partner’s erotic wiring

Somatica is not about fixing people—it is about helping you access your full range of intimacy and connection. The work is interactive, tailored, and rooted in your real-world experiences as a couple.

What Clients Are Saying

Couples who work with Heather consistently describe her coaching as transformative. One couple shared, “We had tried therapy before, but nothing helped us feel connected again. With Heather, we didn’t just talk—we felt. We learned how to see each other again. It saved our relationship.”

Another client noted, “Heather helped us navigate a very sensitive issue with care and honesty. We now have tools we actually use. Our sex life has never been better, and we’re communicating like never before.”

These testimonials reflect the deeply personal and empowering nature of Heather’s work. It is not about one-size-fits-all solutions—it is about meeting you where you are and guiding you toward where you want to go.

How to Know If It’s Time to Seek Help

You do not have to be in crisis to seek the support of a couples sex therapist. In fact, many couples benefit most when they address challenges early. Here are some signs it might be time to take the next step:

You feel more like roommates than lovers

You avoid or dread conversations about sex

One or both partners feel unseen or unsatisfied

There is unresolved resentment around touch or intimacy

You want to explore new ways of connecting but don’t know how to begin

If any of these resonate, typing “couples sex therapist near me” is not just a search—it is a sign that you are ready to prioritize your relationship and rediscover what is possible.

Begin Your Journey Today

Couples therapy is not about fixing what is broken. It is about creating a stronger, more conscious, and more loving connection. With Heather Atles, you will find a guide who sees your relationship’s potential and provides the tools and support to unlock it.

Whether you are in San Francisco or searching for virtual coaching from a trusted professional, Heather offers a safe path forward. Her blend of depth, warmth, and experience makes her an ideal choice for couples ready to transform their intimacy.

[fusion360]

Joseph Smith Wives: Polygamy vs Polyamory

Joseph Smith Wives: Exploring the Distinctions Between Two Complex Relationship Structures

The story of Joseph Smith and his multiple marriages, commonly referred to as the Joseph Smith wives, brings to light a fascinating aspect of history that delves into the realm of alternative relationship structures. Two terms that often emerge in discussions of such unions are "polygamy" and "polyamory." While these terms might appear similar, they represent distinct concepts that warrant exploration.

Understanding Polygamy: The Practice of Multiple Marriages

Polygamy, a term deeply associated with the historical context of Joseph Smith and his marriages, refers to the practice of having multiple spouses simultaneously. In the case of Joseph Smith, polygamy was rooted in his religious beliefs and was seen as a divine commandment. He entered into marriages with numerous women, both single and married, with the belief that these unions were sanctioned by God.

The Joseph Smith Wives and Polygamy: A Historical Perspective

Joseph Smith's practice of polygamy was tied to his role as the founder of the Mormon religion. He claimed to have received revelations from God that instructed him to take multiple wives as part of a divine plan. Marriages to the Joseph Smith wives, often involving younger women and widows, were seen as a way to establish a "new and everlasting covenant" that would lead to spiritual blessings in the afterlife.

Polyamory: Embracing Consensual Non-Monogamy

On the other hand, polyamory is a contemporary concept that involves consensually maintaining multiple romantic and emotional relationships simultaneously. Unlike polygamy, which often has religious or cultural ties, polyamory is grounded in the principles of openness, communication, and ethical non-monogamy. Individuals who identify as polyamorous engage in relationships that are built on mutual understanding, trust, and consent.

Distinguishing Features: Commitment and Consent

One of the key distinctions between polygamy and polyamory lies in the nature of commitment and consent. In polygamy, the structure is often hierarchical, with one partner having multiple spouses who might not have equal status or rights within the relationship. In polyamory, all partners are typically considered equal, and relationships are built on a foundation of open communication, negotiation, and shared consent.

Emotional Complexity: The Role of Jealousy and Insecurity

Both polygamy and polyamory introduce emotional complexities that can be challenging to navigate. In polygamy, jealousy and competition among spouses for attention and resources can be significant factors. In polyamory, emotional challenges might arise due to societal norms, personal insecurities, and the need for effective communication among multiple partners.

The Modern Perspective: Revisiting Relationship Norms

As society evolves, conversations around relationships continue to shift. The term "polyamory" has gained traction as an inclusive and consensual way of engaging in non-monogamous relationships. While polygamy was practiced in specific historical and cultural contexts, polyamory is being explored as a contemporary alternative to traditional monogamy.

Joseph Smith Wives and Polygamy: A Historical Lens on Relationship Structures

Examining Joseph Smith's marriages through the lens of polygamy provides insight into historical practices, religious beliefs, and the dynamics of power and authority within these unions. The structure of these relationships was often influenced by religious doctrine and cultural norms of the time, creating a complex tapestry of marital connections.

Polyamory in the Present Day: Redefining Love and Connection

In contrast, polyamory challenges conventional notions of monogamy and explores the diverse ways in which individuals can form meaningful and loving connections. It emphasizes personal agency, communication, and emotional growth within relationships. Modern proponents of polyamory advocate for the freedom to create relationship structures that align with individual values and desires.

Navigating the Complexity of Relationships

The stories of the Joseph Smith wives and the concepts of polygamy and polyamory remind us that relationships are multifaceted and deeply influenced by cultural, historical, and personal factors. While polygamy emerged within the context of religious practice and historical norms, polyamory is a contemporary response to changing perspectives on love, commitment, and partnership.

Joseph Smith Wives: A Window into Relationship Diversity

The exploration of the marriages of Joseph Smith wives alongside the concepts of polygamy and polyamory invites us to consider the evolving nature of human relationships. It encourages us to question societal norms, challenge assumptions, and approach relationships with empathy and understanding. Whether rooted in history or embraced in the present, these relationship structures provide insight into the intricate tapestry of human connections across time.

[adventures-in-poly]

0 Posts in 2020

You’d think that I’d have something Very Profound to say about the interactions between the pandemic and poly, but it turns out I haven’t wanted to write about that subject very much at all. I won’t say that the pandemic has sucked all the inspiration from my brain, just that it has shuffled inspiration around in unexpected ways and away from writing.

The pandemic has felt like it’s pressed the pause button on my poly life. My husband (M) can’t go out on dates because OTHER PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS. I also can’t go out on dates for the same reason, but moreover, I choose not to go on dates because I’m just So Damn Exhausted. I’ve seen my boyfriend (Crow) only three times this year: once before the pandemic and twice since, and that’s only possible because his house has this large porch where we can do social distancing outside. I haven’t kissed him since January and I’ve only hugged him once, masks on and faces turned away, and I held my breath the whole time. I haven’t had sex with anyone in over a year, and I can’t even “blame” that on the pandemic. It’s a choice. Guess I’ve gone full asexual, and I say “guess” because, while asexual is an accurate descriptor, I still don’t feel really great about adopting that as a personal identity. I’m not even upset about the no sex part though. I’m happy about it. My Magic Wand knows exactly what I want and all the nuances of my body and it’s much less painful than skin on skin.

The pandemic is NOT a good thing. It is NOT a good thing that millions of people have died, and it is NOT a good thing that we as a community are touch-starved and relationship-starved and can’t seem to figure our shit out.

That said.

I’m going to be honest. It has felt nice not having to worry, poly-wise. I hate that that’s a thing that I feel, but this blog is and has always meant to be about honesty. It feels like a relief knowing that I am not going to be in a situation where I have to watch my husband drunkenly and sloppily hit on other women at parties that we are meant to both enjoy. It feels like a relief knowing that he isn’t going to tell me, “I’m going to meet someone that I’ve been talking to on Tinder”, that the bomb isn’t going to fall on me. Because that’s what it is. “I came in like a wrecking ball.” The fear that someone else will enter our lives - my life - and I’ll have no control over it, and I’ll hate it, and I’ll lose myself.

I have a lifelong fear of being replaced. Of being “not good enough”. I hesitate to call it a fear of being unlovable, because I’ve never doubted that people love me and like me. I think they do. But the fear is that, when my needs butt up against someone else’s, theirs will always win. As a child, my parents taught me all about caring for other people, being generous, being self sacrificing, being kind. They immigrated to the US from England a few years before I was born, and as a result, I was brought up with a European mindset (others before yourself) in an American environment (look out for number one). And, as a result -- even though my parents were extraordinarily caring, even though I was an only child, even though they were generous with their time and attention, even though I had a very happy childhood -- I somehow learned that I would always be second place. Always the one to sleep on the floor at sleepovers so the guest or the host could get the bed. Always the one to get a boring piece of cake so a louder and therefore more deserving child could get the piece with the flower. Petty shit like that that translated into real adult problems. Just two nights ago, on New Year’s Eve, I had told my husband I’d wanted us to change the sheets, and as I ascended the stairs to bed I forlornly reminded him that we hadn’t changed the sheets - terrified and fully preparing myself to be let down because he was having a good time at an online New Year’s Eve party and of course that meant that my needs would subside. (They didn’t. The world doesn’t work like that. My husband shows me over and over again that my needs are important to him, and yet I Still Never Learn.)

I can say with full honestly that I am no longer really jealous of my boyfriend and his wife anymore. I used to be, a little. I used to be jealous that he would want to visit her at her shift before he came over for dates, or that he’d want to bring her to casual outings with me, or that at any point the two of them could decide they’d want to move back to San Diego and that would be that. I don’t feel those things anymore. I haven’t for a long time. It’s some sort of consequence of she and I becoming legitimate good friends, plus me and my husband moving an hour away, plus just being too damn old and too damn tired to give shits anymore.

Then again, their relationship was never the kind that was going to prick my skin up and put me on guard. I was the new person, not her. I don’t have a complex about older, more established relationships.

But the idea of my husband finding somebody new, even though our relationship is solid? Sends me into chaos. Even now. I wish I could say that it’s changed in the 5 years since we opened things up, but it hasn’t. It hasn’t really at all.

I’d wanted this blog to document my journey from new to seasoned poly, from a jealous wreck to someone who had learned to love herself and meditate through the pain. That’s not what happened. I’m not sure if it’s ever going to happen. My husband hasn’t had enough actual relationships to give me practice experiencing the very discomfort that makes me want to scream until my insides explode out, and the few times it has happened, I felt like I was living in a shock chamber and turning into the kind of person I don’t want to be.

I wanted to evolve, for the sake of my readers, into someone who fully accepts a poly lifestyle. To show that it can be done. No -- to show, specifically, that I could do it, that I could logic and reason my way through all the shit and prove myself to be better than my jealousy. I don’t think that’s what’s going to end up happening. I think it’s no secret at this point that I don’t really love this whole poly thing. I am still actively choosing it, but not always for reasons that I endorse. What if I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore? Would I lose my husband? Would I lose my boyfriend? Could I ethically give up my relationship with my boyfriend to create monogamy with my husband? Could I ethically ask my husband not to go on dates while I still retain my relationship with my boyfriend? It’s all shit, really. None of it is a good outcome. And the pandemic has allowed me to stall my non-decisions for a year because it’s not like we can see other people anyway. And isn’t it great when some external force gives you a reprieve from the things you’re afraid of.

But while the pandemic has put my poly life on pause, it’s put my healing and growth around poly stuff on pause as well. Sure, it feels fucking great on the surface, but it’s not actual growth. I’m not forever in a place where I will feel secure. It’s going to end eventually (vaccinate me, babyyyyyyyy!!!), and the parties will start again, and the dates will start again, and my terrified introvert ass is afraid that everything collectively will swing in the opposite direction super hard. Free love! Casual sex everywhere! Everyone wants to hang out all the time! How could you possibly want to be alone at a time like this! And that fear extends beyond poly stuff and beyond just me and my husband - I’m not ready for the world to become a giant party. I don’t want that world. I don’t want to live in that world but I also don’t want to miss out on the collective bonding experience that is almost sure to come from the end of Covid. So the reprieve I’m feeling now is only surface level great because it’s a pause, not an end, and I don’t feel any more equipped to deal with my jealousy and my social anxiety and my feelings of not being good enough than I did at the beginning of this damn pandemic.

Part of me wishes I could “get over my shit”, and part of me wants to cling onto my shit and defend it. Like why am I the one who has to change, why am I the one who has to evolve, what’s wrong with feeling the way I feel? Why is this a “my shit” thing, like I’m alone and all my problems are caused by my own feelings? Why do other people NeEeEeEeEd to go on dates and have sex. Why does my husband need that. Why am I not good enough. Why is the problem that I feel jealousy and insecurity; why is the problem not that he feels [insert whatever he feels here. unsatisfied? no, that’s not it. incapable of being fully satisfied by a single person? that seems extreme. incapable of surrounding himself with platonic friendships in the way that comes so naturally to me and many of my women friends, and much more able to connect with people he is in a romantic/sexual relationship with, and so needs to create many romantic/sexual relationships to fill that void that otherwise would be filled with friendships - which is not actually something I believe about him, I think he could make really great friendships with the right tools, but is something he’s expressed to me and is also something that’s pretty common around people raised as men? is that too harsh?]

I’m trying to look for a good ending for this post, but, like an explanation for my feelings, I don’t think I’m going to find satisfaction here.

[utilitycaster]

🤢🤡🍭

NoTP: the only real ones are any pairing that erases canon sexuality (so Beau with men). I’ll admit I also am not a huge fan of people shipping Nott with anyone but Yeza unless it’s in some kind of consensual non-monogamy situation because they really have done so much for each other, clearly still love each other, and I think it’s worth depicting a relationship that goes through very dramatic changes and extended long distance periods and survives it.

worst take I still stand by: I’ve definitely predicted stuff incorrectly but I don’t know if I have any super bad takes? please feel free to let me know if I do, I will not be offended though I may uh...stand by them. I do however stand by all my unpopular opinions, which may be construed as bad takes.

Favorite Jester moment: amazing as the cupcake is I think it’s actually her resurrecting Caduceus in Asarius. It’s after the pirate arc, which was rough on many of them but in many ways really hard on Jester especially, and it’s one of the few times and probably the first time we see her really take charge and be calm and serious. Jester’s character arc has been that of the naive, sheltered late adolescent growing up, and this was one of the first times we saw her act like that. Laura seems to especially shine at depicting, gradual behind-the-scenes character growth (see also: Vex) which is really hard to do and for me at least this felt like a big milestone.

[klovesyou]

🌄🌼💚🌼🌱it's the equinox!🌱🌼💚🌼🌄 • • ...which means @biblicone + i have had that whole 'lawfully wedded' gig going on for 14 years today...🤪 • • our union is constantly evolving as we continue to get to know ourselves + one another. it can be both challenging + highly triggering to be within a union that allows for constant personal growth + spiritual evolvement. healing within relationship contains lots of contradictions + it's hard to navigate those when our egos so often show up with assumptions + expectations. we've learned to calmly work through those + to avoid resentments over time. • • we've changed the language + rhetoric we use to be open instead of possessive (language creates your reality), we've shifted paradigms (from fear + lack to abundance + love), we've supported one another as we've awoken from systemic/matrixy illusions (yay for non-monogamy + psychedelics!), + most of all, we've made the continual efforts to show up for one another. • • so far, the universe seems to be in support of our continuing + evolving union. we continue to resonate + enjoy our time together. somedays, it's more as friends than lovers...other days it's as equal, sovereign partners navigating raising a bright, new soul together...but on my favorite days, mike is simply one of my favorite life partners that i bring on all kinds of crazy adventures through consciousness with me.🤩 • • i've no idea what our future holds...i do know that i will strive everyday to appreciate his growth + his path as he continues to figure that out. i'll be here to listen + reassure him when he needs a compassionate voice reminding him of how strong he truly is...how divine his masculinity is to be able to hold so many tensions + and die so many deaths within the course one union. life/death/life cycles, within relationship, that lead to rebirth are real! • • he accepts me fully as i am (incorrigible + feral on most days) + i do my best to accept him fully as he is. we've turned a co-dependent, conventional marriage on its head + much prefer our open, spiritual partnership.💀👁️🌱 • • "a being whose awareness is totally free, who does not cling to anything, is liberated." - ram dass https://www.instagram.com/p/B97Clx0Hq3d/?igshid=wgrmmhqg2uk4

[snkret-photography]

Back to Me

Most people know that I follow an abridged variation of a Paleolithic/Ketogenic diet. It makes me feel the most optimal and reduces a lot of my inflammation and hormonal imbalances. Also I’ve never really been a big carb or grain persons so it was an easy transition mentally. This has just been what has worked for me to feel optimal. When I was younger, I ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted and proceeded to exercise like I was getting paid for it. I don’t have that time or energy anymore so my current lifestyle is well supported by my diet. And while I have a general label for how I eat so other people can easily digest it, I don’t particularly care to label it. I try to keep things paleo but Quest Bars are my crack, literally candy bars. I get one life and even if I reincarnate, the experiences in that lifetime won’t solidify my satisfaction in this one. So I still eat what I want, when I want but instead of focusing on the immediate satisfaction that it gives me, I focus on the long term gratification I can derive while still making sure I don’t feel deprived. It works for me and that’s all I worry about.

Recently, I started a new job, I’ll probably talk about that more in depth at some point, but it’s a very youthful workforce and the company operates in the ad tech space. Which means everyone is aware of diets based on the loose depictions they can find on Instagram; legit, no shade. I’ve been on my food protocol for about 2 years and over the past year have cut down to eating once a day, which I just prefer to be freshly made at home right before bed. This translates to me surviving the work day on coffee and water alone. Which translates to everyone having an opinion on their lack of willpower communicated through copious questions and declarations I’d rather not entertain. Like I said, it’s a new job. But whenever I glaze over the details of how I choose to eat, people immediately start throwing out buzzwords as if I remembered the definition and not the word itself. This is usually followed up with some variation of:

“They say that is/is not good for you because some bullshit study somewhere in some bullshit magazine somewhere else.”

I follow an eating protocol that works for me, my goals, and my overall health from both an internal feeling perspective and careful attention to medical markers. Added fact that I love biology which means I actually look at the basis of science studies to look at their original reasoning for deriving a hypothesis, the control of the study, who backed it, and the subsequent reporting along with the counter arguments. I.e. I look at the big picture and not just what “they say” as a basis for how I live my life and make decisions. How I eat works for me but it may not work for everyone else. I do a lot of people’s diet plans and I almost always start out with a list of carbs to intake. Just because I limit the type and amount of carbs I eat, doesn’t mean that everyone else would benefit from such. I may be an accountant but I am not a copy/paste formula. And “they” don’t know everything. Just because some people have made buckets of what Is and is not healthy does not mean that it is 100% accurate. They haven’t studied you and your bodies reaction to the blanket list that they’ve decided to impart on the public. And the public, being the public, has a low tolerance for research and assuming their own opinions; we all love when some stranger says something on the internet super convincingly and have broken it down in a manner in which we can regurgitate without much reference for what is actually said.

This isn’t a conversation about diets. And I’m no better for the flaw in which I’m pointing out. We all go to pseudo-authorities to help make formalized decisions for us on both short-term and long-term decisions. From what to eat, to figuring out our careers, choosing partners, relaxation methods, methods for creating happiness in our lives, and so much more. Consultation is one of the most common things we all do and we always tend to consult, directly or in-directly, those in which we believe have a stronger foundation in the topic than we do. You want career advice, you consult someone who has a career length or position in which you desire to. You want fitness or dieting advice, you consult the trainer or dietitian. More commonly you follow the person who competes on Instagram or ask your friend who’s always been skinny/buff, depending on your goals. You want to know how to navigate your relationship, you ask people who have relationships in which you aspire to. At least, in theory this is the manner in which people go about things. Everyone consults based on their immediate circle and the manners in which they trust other to help them navigate their problems. I don’t believe in monogamy, yet all of my friends in relationships consult me on how to secure their relationships and improve the quality of because they’re aware I'm going to advise them based on the value of our friendship and not my personal views on the matter. I know trainers that constantly tell their clients that to achieve their results, it require discipline and consistency yet their clients chief question, paraphrasing, is what they can buy to achieve that. So they in turn sell them accountability until the person can gain that for themselves and routines that are built around the person’s goals. At my gym there is a trainer who I’ve seen float the exact same workout to both men and women trying to achieve completely different goals, only changing the duration, intensity and repetition of the workout. That is so not how it works but that is how a lot of people work. “This worked for me or I have found x so it should work for you and anyone else who asks.”

This theme of listening to the “they” hit a real head recently. I greatly enjoy the role of devil’s advocate. No particular reason, it brings me joy and that’s all that matters. So going with the current is rather easy but personally, infuriating. I would go online to browse random sub-reddits and a bunch of jack-offs behind their keyboard were operating on a full level of knowledge, confidence and rudeness you could tell was in-organic. I would entertain a public discord on some newsworthy topic and was subsequently met with opinions that nobody could concretely defend. And all that diet shit I mentioned earlier. So when it was time to decide my next project, I didn’t even want to do one. I looked back on my recent projects and then broadened that to my entire works over the past year from the creation of this website to side projects I had picked up and was entirely confused. I had no idea what I didn’t like about everything as a package nor that impressed by individual projects. Even my posts were bugging me. So far from the course in which I originally set. And somewhere in reflecting on why people found it so appropriate to consult me on my own practices from an outside party in which neither of us ever regarded personally, something clicked. It’s been a very inauthentic experience. Sure I have some projects here that I absolutely adore. Yes, I have gotten to do something I love, work with people in the manner I desire, and develop my skills in a manner I never really thought I could before. Of course this has been a cathartic outlet with great growth and has had a visibly positive impact both in my and other’s lives. It has also just made me grow closer with a lot of people by opening up the realm of conversation. It’s dope. But something still wasn’t clicking. My writing was getting weaker and almost always derived from an emotional perspective. I kept trying to change my website and Instagram layout but could never figure out how to keep it in the manner I developed it. Photo-shoots had more to do with getting content out or making a quick buck on the side rather than developing an idea and creating a story from it.

I had developed a business and parts of my life on the advice and consultation of people who have no actual basis of authority. And doing things strictly to impress others or at the console of something others have an opinion on yet no tangible marker of authority is dissatisfying to say the least. I don’t like social media almost strictly based on not giving a fuck about the facade that people put on to have these amazing lives they don’t nor entertain the countless opinions of people who can’t keep that same energy. I originally designed my website in the taste of my ex-boyfriend who had never designed anything for public consumption or really taken any action on anything. Adjusting concepts and final visions on the advice of a person who just on-looks but doesn’t operate. Then I look at the approach I developed in writing to be more open in my communication about my emotions and life at the advice of all my friends who like to act like they have none, self explanatory why I should have not listened. Broaden the pattern, I had an abysmal living arrangement on the advice of people who suggested the money saved would be best long-term. In short, a bunch of opinions from people who have nothing to lose in the outcome. And it all just settled. I couldn’t take much pride in things when the outcome was based more on the advice of non-active participants than myself. Which was my own fault. I can consult the world but I don’t have to take the world’s advice. It was something I’ve always known and implemented in my life yet neglected in my business. Putting off projects because my consultants didn’t particularly like the idea or get it. Wondering if I needed to go back to the drawing board or if I wasn’t communicating it properly. But it’s not their project. They’re not putting their name on it and quite frankly, if they don’t like it then that is a miss for them. But if I put out a project I’m not invested in, then that is a lost for me that I will always have my name attached to.

So now, on the anniversary of my dive back into photography and writing, I’m going back to the original ideas. I will do things that I want to move in the direction I want. I will consult authorities and opinions alike but will make note of the differences and be sure I’m still just as invested at every step. There is no worse feeling than to have to live according to someone else’s version of happiness, success, and achievement. The manner in which other people live and operate are mere matters of comparison to derive what parts we identify with and which parts we don’t, constructing the best possible experience for ourselves. And I want to bring people the best that I have. I love what I’ve put out over this past year because no matter how good or bad something may be technically, personally, anecdotally, I have a record in which to document my growth. But what is the point of a goal if it is not consistently refined as you achieve it? So when I set out on the first year, I had a lot of goals with a lot of people who are no longer here. Now I have some goals for myself and at the forefront of them, and in the words of Megan Thee Stallion: What The Fuck I Want, When The Fuck I Want!

*And I’m still at the mall with your motherfuckin’ daddy, eh

[andihowl]

Polyamory is queer.

Or rather, Polyamorous folk are queer if they self-identify as such.

Below, I’ll be explaining why any attempt you make to deny that is by definition gatekeeping, and why you need to stop. This will be added to / updated as I talk to more polyamorous folk and hear more of their stories. This is not a debate, I will liberally use my block button, I’m just sick of repeating myself over and over in group after group because polyphobic assholes think they can throw polyam folk under the bus and we won’t say anything. Read. Think. Do better.

Given the shared premises that “queer” is being used in it’s non-pejorative, reclamative usage as an umbrella term representing sexual and gender minorities who have been marginalized and oppressed as a direct result of their identities, and that gatekeeping members of it is an inherently shitty thing to do (goodbye swerfs, terfs, aphobes, etc.), the main reasons I see for people denying polyamorous folk into queer spaces, or into queer discussions generally read like this:

why are we even having this discussion, omg, wtf, gtfo

it’s only used by skeezy heterobros who are looking to get a second girlfriend

it’s only used by skeezy “bi” couples who are unicorn hunting

there are oppressive countries around the world who are practicing polygamy and that’s certainly not good

it’s a kink

it’s a choice

it’s a practice, not an identity

it’s a relationship dynamic, not a sexual orientation or gender identity

everyone wants to be polyam anyway, it’s not an oppressed class.

I'm personally polyamorous, and I don't see it as an identity

I'm uncomfortable with cis-het-allo folk claiming the term queer

These arguments can be categorized more or less into the following main sections:

The Disregard

why are we even having this discussion, omg, wtf, gtfo

By disengaging conversation about this, you are preventing the growth and learning of the community, and you need to knock your shit off. Only through critically assessing our own behavior and the behavior of the community with which we engage can we ever hope to make ourselves, and our world, any better.

The Bad Actors

it’s only used by skeezy heterobros who are looking to get a second girlfriend

or

it’s only used by skeezy “bi” couples who are unicorn hunting

This is one of the weakest arguments against this, and one of the quickest debunked. Simply put, all identities have bad actors. I've certainly interacted with gay men who haven't taken no for an answer. I've certainly met bisexual people who have used their sexuality as an excuse to cheat on their partners. Just because bad actors exist within a community, does not invalidate the entire identity. You cannot hope to have such a diverse group of people from such diverse backgrounds and upbringings and mental health statuses and economic statuses and expect them all to behave and think the the same homogenous way. Not all gays are alike. Not all trans folk are alike. Not all polyam folk are alike. Deal with it, move on.

Conflation

there are oppressive countries around the world who are practicing polygamy and that’s certainly not good

or

it’s a kink

Polyamory =/= polygamy. Stop conflating the two. Polyamory (when referring to the practice) is the egalitarian ethical practice of non-monogamy between consenting adults. Polygamy is an authoritarian tool used by patriarchal societies to oppress and silence women, most often without consent. Stop conflating, and move on.

Also, Polyamory is not a kink. To call something a kink, you are tacitly and wilfully admitting that the behavior in question is and should be seen as deviant in society, and derives sexual pleasure out of that deviancy. Polyamory is not, at least not in any healthy relationships I've seen, practiced in such a shameful manner. If you're equating the two, maybe you should address your own underlying phobias regarding polyamory rather than gatekeeping others.

The Choice

it’s a choice

or

it’s a practice, not an identity

or

it’s a relationship dynamic, not a sexual orientation or gender identity

These are a bit trickier of a discussion. No, the United States, nor any other country offcially recognizes polyamory as a valid sexual orientation to be protected under federal law. And yes, some people feel they opt-in to a "polyamorous lifestyle". There have been studies conducted on this, and while many respondents to do not classify their polyamory as an orientation, many others did respond saying that they felt they were wired that way, that they felt they were that way since childhood, that monogamous relationships always felt wrong for them.

The polyamory community houses both types of folk, those who feel it's a lifestyle, as well as those who feel it is deeply engrained. As polyadvice writes (specifically toward other polyam folk):

Is polyamory an orientation? Why do we care? Why are we so caught up in whether the way we love other people is a way of being or a way of doing? Why do I get this question so often, and why are we all so invested in the answer?

  If you experience your polyamory as an innate part of your self, as something you are rather than something you do, great. It’s part of your orientation. We can split semantic hairs and say it’s a “relationship orientation” as opposed to a “sexual orientation.” Some people don’t experience it that way, and that’s fine too.

  What’s not fine is if we start fighting about it and make it some big political or identity-political issue within the [polyam] community. Because you know what? The rest of the world doesn’t care nearly as much about the nuances of our definitions. They’re prepared to deny us health insurance, child custody, media representation, hospital visitation, and plenty else regardless of whether we sort this out amongst ourselves. If we start turning on each other, there’s no one to have our backs.

Simply put, it's none of your damn business if it's an orientation or a choice. Even if it is a choice, as Michael Carey with Slate wrote:

We are all human first. Everything else—nationality, sex, race, orientation—is secondary, and irrelevant to our fundamental rights. As Brian D. Earp recently argued in “Future Tense,” even if homosexuality becomes a choice, mutable under pharmacological “treatment,” it should still be regarded as part of the normal range of human behavior. We should agree on the principle that anyone pursuing consensual, loving, respectful relationships, forming happy families, and participating productively in society should be welcomed, not ostracized in the name of irrational, ossified stigma.

Not Oppressed

everyone wants to be polyam anyway, it’s not an oppressed class.

Hooooooooold up there partner. Y'all gotta be kidding me. Let's put aside the fact that one of the most common thing's polyam folk hear when they come out to people is "well, that's nice, but I could never do it myself". Let''s put aside the comments/sneers of "so you just sleep with whoever you want?", or the automatic assumption that polyam folk are sluts/skeezes/sex-addicts/cheaters.

The fact of the matter is, for someone who is polyamorous, there are no legal protections for them, whether they be for housing, employment, or medical care (in any of the 50 United States or any other country that I'm aware of). That means if someone is outed at work, they can be fired on the spot for that reason. They can be kicked out of their apartment, lose their home, or be denied medical coverage because of it. Polyamorous relationships are not recognized as valid spouses in hospital situations, they cannot receive tax benefits for their relationship, and they are routinely denied next of kin rights and inheritance. Loss of child custody is common, as family courts do not recognize polyamory as a valid responsible child-rearing environment (which experience and common sense can tell us otherwise)

It's bad enough that Ann Sweeny argued in 2010 in favor of legally expanding the definition of sexual orientation to include polyamory to help protect polyam folk against these kind of grievances (you can download the original pdf argument at that link, it's a long but interesting read). An excerpt:

... polyamorists risk custody loss, workplace discrimination, loss of friends, alienation from their families, and ostracism from spiritual and other communities as a result of revealing their polyamory. In addition, their children often face discrimination at school. Indeed, in one study, nearly half of [polyam] respondents reported having experienced prejudice as a result of their polyamory. Additionally, Emens has noted that the “social hostility [against relationships involving more than two people] sustains various legal burdens on polyamorists, including two-person marriage and partnership laws, adultery and bigamy laws, [and] residential zoning laws.” Furthermore, Rambukkana documented negative reactions to the formation of an on-campus polyamory group that included the university newspaper’s public ridicule of the group on the basis that the group was comprised of “a bunch of ‘culty’ sex maniacs” and the suggestion that the group was a “recruitment machine” that sucked people in “‘with promises of sex and more sex.’”

She goes on to argue:

These forms of discrimination are considerable, and they have the potential to impose severe, indeed devastating, burdens on individuals who espouse polyamory... The many ways that monogamy (as represented by marriage) is privileged under the law, while non-monogamy is burdened, demonstrate that non-monogamous persons, including polyamorists, are oppressed under an “organising principle of inequality” and therefore that they meet Cooper’s test for extension of legal protections.

Honestly, go read that article. It lays out a lot more than I could ever hope to properly summarize here, and outlines pretty succinctly why polyamory is an oppressed class.

What goes for me goes for everyone

I'm personally polyamorous, and I don't see it as an identity

First off, wonderful! Thank you for being polyam and for demonstrating your courage and representation in a world that wants to erase you. Full stop.

Second off. It's fine if you don't feel like your polycraft is inherently part of your identity. That's allowed. Many Nonbinary folk don't feel trans describes their experience; many gay men don't like to use the term queer. That's fine, that's your biz. That doesn't mean that holds the same for everyone else, though, and you shouldn't be limiting the voice and power of others because you have enough privelege to disregard opression you may experience. They do deserve a voice, they do deserve rights, and you consistently chiming in saying "Well I don't" isn't helping the conversation, it's distracting and beside the point.

One person's experience with a community is not necessarily representative of an entire identity's experience with it, and you don't get to claim the right to silence the voices and experences of others in your community.

The Personal Appeal

I'm uncomfortable with cis-het-allo folk claiming the term queer

Well, I'm sorry you are uncomfortable. Honestly. It sucks. However dealing with an expanding and inclusive community is and should be uncomfortable. It should force us to ask questions we didn't want to ask. It should make us rethink things we once thought were firm and held dear.

But just as -allo was added to cis-het bring light to the added axis of identity and oppression that is the asexuality spectrum, it's about time we added -mono to that, to bring to light the fact that being polyam, and being polyam + other identities, brings with it unique problems and unique pride that is deserving of attention, and deserving a seat at the table.

Included Links and Additional Resources

CW: some of these links use the nickname "poly" for "polyamorous" rather than "polynesian". Inclusion here is not an endorsement of that kind of usage, as I have tried to refrain from that usage here and in my everyday conversation. Additionally, I have replaced its usage in the above quotations with [polyam] to prevent further crawlers linking to it.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201610/is-polyamory-form-sexual-orientation

(http://polyadvice.tumblr.com/post/114048167048/this-might-be-a-question-you-get-often-but-is

https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/10/is-polyamory-a-choice.html

https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1632653

https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/10/polyamorous-excluded-queer/

https://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2013/12/dan-savage-is-poly-queer.html

https://www.autostraddle.com/six-queers-on-polyamory-and-identity-419254/

[heatheratles]

Navigating Connection: The Benefits of Sex and Relationship Coaching

In today’s fast-paced world, intimate relationships often face unique challenges. Balancing career, family, personal growth, and partnership can become overwhelming, leaving little room for couples to nurture their sexual and emotional bonds. When individuals or partners find themselves stuck in patterns of disconnection, seeking the guidance of a sex and relationship coach can be transformative. Coaches like Heather Atles, who is based in San Francisco, offer a path to deeper intimacy, improved communication, and a healthier, more fulfilling sex life.

Understanding Sex and Relationship Coaching

Sex and relationship coaching focuses on the emotional, physical, and psychological aspects of intimate relationships. Coaches like Heather Atles help clients address sexual issues, communication breakdowns, and relationship dynamics by offering strategies that lead to more connected and authentic experiences. The coaching process is designed to help individuals and couples improve their sexual confidence, enhance intimacy, and cultivate a satisfying relationship.

Unlike therapy, which often delves into the past to resolve emotional issues, coaching is future-focused. It’s about identifying goals, breaking down barriers, and creating actionable steps for improvement. This practical and forward-thinking approach can bring about significant change in a relatively short amount of time.

Who Can Benefit from Sex and Relationship Coaching?

Sex and relationship coaching isn’t limited to couples experiencing major challenges. Individuals and couples at any stage of their relationship can benefit from the guidance of a coach. Whether you're in a new relationship, dealing with a specific issue, or seeking to reignite passion in a long-term partnership, coaching offers a personalized approach to achieving your goals.

Common concerns that clients may bring to a sex and relationship coach include:

Loss of intimacy: Partners may feel disconnected or struggle with reduced sexual desire.

Communication difficulties: Issues such as misunderstandings or inability to express needs can erode the foundation of a relationship.

Sexual performance anxiety: Men and women alike may experience fear or anxiety around sexual performance, inhibiting their ability to fully engage with their partner.

Exploring new dynamics: Couples interested in exploring new forms of intimacy, such as non-monogamy or BDSM, often seek coaching to ensure their experiences are safe and consensual.

Building sexual confidence: A coach can help individuals work through body image concerns or self-esteem issues, building a more positive relationship with their sexuality.

The Role of a Sex and Relationship Coach

A sex and relationship coach provides a supportive environment for clients to explore their desires, concerns, and goals. Coaches like Heather Atles guide clients through structured conversations and exercises to foster greater understanding and intimacy. Here’s how coaching typically works:

Initial consultation: In the first session, the coach will assess your relationship dynamics, identify key issues, and discuss your goals. This allows the coach to tailor a plan specifically for you or your partnership.

Identifying barriers: Through in-depth conversations, the coach helps you uncover any emotional, mental, or physical barriers that might be preventing intimacy or connection. This may involve exploring past relationship experiences or personal insecurities.

Creating a plan: Together, you and your coach will create actionable steps to address the identified challenges. This might involve communication techniques, mindfulness practices, or specific sexual exercises designed to improve connection.

Ongoing support: Coaching is not a one-time fix. Coaches provide ongoing guidance, support, and feedback as you and your partner implement changes. This ensures that progress continues and adjustments can be made as needed.

Celebrating progress: Success in coaching is not only measured by resolving specific issues but also by creating deeper emotional and physical intimacy. Coaches encourage clients to celebrate their growth and to continue integrating new skills into their relationships.

How Sex and Relationship Coaching Differs from Therapy

Sex and relationship coaching is distinct from therapy in several key ways. While therapy often focuses on diagnosing and treating psychological conditions, coaching emphasizes personal growth, self-improvement, and goal achievement. Coaches like Heather Atles work with clients to identify areas for improvement and provide practical tools for making meaningful changes in their relationships.

Another key difference is that therapy tends to focus on addressing issues rooted in the past, such as childhood trauma or deep-seated psychological issues, while coaching is more concerned with present challenges and future aspirations. This makes coaching ideal for individuals and couples who want to actively work towards building stronger, healthier relationships in a structured and supportive environment.

The Benefits of Sex and Relationship Coaching

The benefits of working with a sex and relationship coach can be profound, affecting both individual well-being and relationship dynamics. Some of the most common benefits include:

Enhanced intimacy: Coaching can help couples reconnect physically and emotionally, rekindling passion and deepening intimacy.

Improved communication: Many couples struggle to communicate openly and effectively. A coach can teach techniques for clear, compassionate communication that fosters understanding and reduces conflict.

Greater sexual satisfaction: Sex and relationship coaching can address sexual dissatisfaction by helping partners explore their desires, improve their sexual skills, and feel more confident in expressing their needs.

Healing from past hurts: While coaching doesn’t focus on the past, it can help individuals and couples process past relationship hurts or sexual experiences that may be impacting their current intimacy.

Building sexual confidence: Whether it's body image issues or concerns about sexual performance, coaching helps clients build confidence in their sexuality and embrace a more positive, empowered view of themselves.

Strengthened relationships: Ultimately, the goal of sex and relationship coaching is to help couples build stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. By addressing the emotional, physical, and psychological aspects of their relationship, couples can create a more balanced and supportive partnership.

Why Choose a San Francisco-Based Coach Like Heather Atles?

Living in a city like San Francisco, which is known for its progressive attitudes towards sexuality and relationships, provides a unique opportunity to explore these aspects of life in a safe and open environment. Heather Atles, a sex and relationship coach based in San Francisco, brings years of experience and an empathetic approach to her work. Her coaching services are tailored to meet the specific needs of her clients, whether they’re seeking to enhance intimacy, overcome sexual difficulties, or strengthen their emotional bond.

With a deep understanding of modern relationship dynamics, Heather provides the tools and support needed to foster connection, healing, and personal growth. Her practice emphasizes open communication, non-judgmental exploration of desires, and a holistic approach to relationship coaching.

Conclusion

Sex and relationship coaching offers a powerful way for individuals and couples to enhance their intimate lives, improve communication, and build stronger emotional bonds. Whether you're facing specific challenges in your relationship or simply seeking to deepen your connection, working with a coach like Heather Atles can provide the guidance and support you need to achieve your goals. With a focus on practical solutions and personal growth, sex and relationship coaching can be the key to unlocking a more fulfilling and intimate partnership.

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Part-Time Lovers and Full-Time Friends: A Beginner’s Guide to Opening Your Relationship

Recommended Reading

The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton (because I really can’t recommend this book enough)

Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

A bit of a disclaimer: As I stated in the “Welcome” post, my knowledge about all things sex and sexuality is probably 95% academic research and 5% experience. With that being said, I do research everything I write fairly extensively and have some of the most wonderful friends in the world who are fairly comfortable in talking to me about their sexuality. Now… on to the fun stuff!

So… what exactly are we dealing with here?

In this post, I want to continue along the thread we started last week in talking about consensual non-monogamy, but I want to focus in on one of the relationship structures: open relationships. The term “open relationship” can mean a few different things in different circles, but, for the sake of simplicity (because, really, we’re going to need to keep this topic as simple as possible, if we’re ever going to get through all of this), I am defining an “open relationship” in this context as a hierarchical relationship born when two people in a committed monogamous relationship make the consensual, educated decision to explore non-monogamy.

This can mean a few different things. You could be introducing new sex partners or developing outside romantic relationships. And these could be together or separately.  Again, there is no one size fits all approach, here. If you do decide to open your relationship with your partner, you will need to discuss what exactly that means for you, both together and separately.

Opening your relationship can be a serious matter. If you are not prepared to enter this lifestyle and have not thought about how things like jealousy might affect you, it can destroy a relationship. But that’s where this guide will hopefully come in. If this is something you are considering, I want to be able to provide you with the tools and information to put your best foot forward. Having known couples that have successfully and healthily opened their relationships, I know that this process can be extremely rewarding and bring you closer together with your current partner.

What are the facts?

A survey released in 2015 revealed that open relationships have been on the rise in the last 10 years (those numbers are expected to rise with more visibility, a shift towards acceptance, and, oddly enough, as we move away from capitalist ideology and the traditional family structure).  A follow up survey found that one in five Americans will practice some sort of open relationship in their lifetime (unfortunately, the consensual part of consensual non-monogamy may not apply to all of these). As for their effectiveness, some research has shown that people in consensually non-monogamous relationships are happier and healthier than their monogamous peers. Other research, still, says that open relationships don't result in more sexual satisfaction. So, if that’s the only thing you’re looking for, you might be disappointed.

But, as always, statistical data doesn’t always paint a clear picture. The important thing to take away from that information is this: you are not alone. Your relationship, so long as it is conducted healthily, safely, and consensually, is valid and wonderful and beautiful.  

Is an open relationship right for you and your partner?

People choose to open their relationships for a variety of reasons. For some, it is simply a rejection of monogamy on principle. It is a refusal to participate in a social system that was ultimately born from the possessive nature of coverture in marriages (the idea that, through marriage, a man took legal ownership of his spouse). Or, if you’re following along from last week, they may view monogamy as no longer necessary evolutionarily. Given statistics on divorce rates and infidelity, these individuals may view open relationships as a potential to approach the facts that we are complex individuals who are going to experience attraction to more than one person and that there is no one individual who is going to meet all of our needs with as much transparency as possible.

Some couples that choose non-monogamy do it for personal growth and the development of their own relationship. I touched on this a little last week, but if you believe that someone else can make you a better version of yourself and you want your partner to be the very best version of themselves, having the potential for more than one partner may let you grow in new ways. It may let you experience new things you otherwise would not be able to. As far as the growth of the core relationship, effectively and healthily conducting an open-relationship requires a great level of communication, support, emotional honesty, and well…, openness. These things can be very enriching for a couple.

Others choose to do it to explore sexual and erotic diversity, whether it's because they have different interests that can't be met within their primary relationship (this is often true for bisexual/pansexual/queer partners in open relationships) or simply because they value sexual variety. For others, the biggest fantasy may be sharing a lover with their partner. Either way, the end goal in these relationships is more and varied sex, with little emotional attachment, and we’ll probably touch on this at a later point, because it has more to do with the swinging lifestyle.

With all of that being said, there are some reasons that opening your relationship may not be such a good idea. Here are a few steps to take and things to consider before you decide you want to open your relationship.

1.      Make a list of pros and cons.

It might sound like the least sexy way to make this decision, but forming a list can take emotion out of the process and allow you to make this decision logically. If you’re going to make an open relationship work, there cannot be any surprises. You have to know all of each other's, and your own, insecurities and desires.  Why are you really looking to do this? What do you stand to lose? Are you opening your relationship with a particular partner in mind? Deciding to open your relationship for the wrong reasons will most likely result in failure.

It’s important to keep other people out of your decision-making process. This is about you and your current partner. Outsiders to this core relationship are only visitors here. They are not permanent. The risks of opening a relationship primarily affect the core couple.

2.      Talk with your partner. Make sure this is something you both understand and want.

A lot of people will do everything that can to avoid disappointing a partner, so if one person brings up the idea of an open relationship, it may be easier for those people to agree to trying it rather than to speak up and say that that idea would make them uncomfortable. Is this fantasy getting the best of you in the moment? Are you able to move past any insecurity or jealousy you might experience in knowing that your partner may be with another person? This really goes for anything you and your partner might be trying for the first time: if one of you is unsure, do not continue until that doubt has been effectively addressed.

3.      Opening your relationship is not a way to save your relationship

Inviting the potential for more people into your relationship isn't going to solve the problems in your relationship, sexual or otherwise. Toxic qualities from one relationship will spill over into the future relationships. Just like it's not a good idea to have kids to save a relationship. It takes a solid foundation of healthy and successful relationship to bloom into non-monogamy. If you feel like your current relationship is standing on rocky ground, you need to find stability before moving forward. It’s also generally disastrous if you're only doing it to keep your partner with you. It is extremely important that both people truly want this arrangement if it is going to work. If one is doing it out of pressure, coercion, or desperation, it's not going to be successful, and it is often just an excuse for the other partner to get one foot out the door on the way to the dissolution of a relationship.

I really cannot stress this enough: if you’re unsatisfied, unhappy, or dealing with other relationship issues (such as cheating), do no try an open relationship. It will crash and burn in a fiery apocalyptic hell-storm. Successful open relationships come from happy relationships, wherein both partners trust each other and simply wish to explore other sexual/emotional avenues.

4.      Know yourself and your partner

If either of you struggles with emotions, communication, or knowing your own boundaries, opening your relationship is going to add complexity to your relationship. A successful open relationship requires a high degree of emotional intelligence and emotional regulation. A successful open relationship is one that improves your relationship by making the change, not damaging it. This requires that you and your partner have some skills, as well as commitment to each other in the process. You need self-awareness about your feelings, your wants and needs, and, maybe most importantly, your boundaries; you need to know how to speak up for yourself and what your relationship is and means to you. You and your partner also need to cultivate a strong ability to communicate clearly and effectively, especially through high emotion. The idea of you or your partner being with another person can often bring up strong feelings, most obviously are jealousy and insecurity but also shame, and the two of you need to be able to talk about what's happening and work through it together. You also need a basic respect and concern for each other. Again, successful open relationships come from happy and healthy relationships. If one of you is going to do whatever it is that you want regardless of how the other person feels, i.e. bulldozing, relationships in general may not be for you.

5.      Speaking of emotions, how do you move past jealousy?

When we talk about jealousy, what we’re really talking about is this terrible and terrifying constellation of feelings that include insecurity, envy, possessiveness, inadequacy, and feeling left out (among others), you know, all the fun stuff.  Some research suggests some people are more prone to these feelings than others. There is some debate on whether or not these are learned responses to previous experiences that can be overcome with relearning or if they are innate, evolutionary emotions, that our neurology and hormone production work to communicate and regulate their own emotional state. Either way, enough people experience these emotions that they warrant some discussion. Consider whether you may be a jealousy-prone person, how you respond to jealousy when you do feel it, and whether you believe you and your partner can work through it successfully time and time again.

There are things that will help in moving past jealousy: clear communication, good self-care, advocating for what you need, and flexibility/the ability to adapt. Learning to identify what is triggering this emotional response in you or your partner will help you successfully navigate your open relationship. Also keep in mind that many people experience the opposite of jealousy—an experience called compersion—where you take joy in your partner's other experiences, sexual or otherwise. Does your partner want to be told every erotic detail or do they just want to know that you had a good time? Different strokes for different folks.

6.      Honesty is the key

Lastly, opening your relationship should not follow an affair or involve any secrecy. It needs to be free of any stain of dishonesty or infidelity for it to work. You get to define what that honesty means for each of you, but ultimately you need to be able to tell your partner everything. If you cannot be honest with your partner, or with yourself for that matter, infidelity and cheating can creep into your relationship, and this can be severely damaging to an open relationship. Cheating isn’t just about being with another person in open relationships. It’s about abusing and damaging your partner’s trust.

Opening your relationship in a happy and healthy way

If you and your partner have actually taken the time to go through all of these things and this is something that you still want, by all means go for it. From conversations I’ve had with open couples, the first few attempts to open your relationship are going to be awkward and you’re probably going to feel some discomfort. This may be discouraging, but there are ways to keep your open relationship happy and healthy. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1.      You get to determine what you’re comfortable with.

Let me repeat that: you get to determine what you’re comfortable with. This is not a negotiation between you and your partner. This is the consensual part of consensual non-monogamy. There’s a lot to think about when first opening your relationship to the possibility of external partners. Are you looking for sex only? Or do you want an emotional relationship with other partners? Are you comfortable with your partner having sex with other people? Do you want to meet your partner’s metamour (just a fancy French term for a lover’s lover)? Are you comfortable with your partner bringing their lovers over to your shared space? Are you comfortable with them fucking in your bed? Did the aggressive change in tone get your attention? Good, these are the things you need to think about.

Learn how to advocate for yourself. This is where things get messy. If you can’t speak up now before anything happens, it will not be any easier once you or your partner have crossed that line.  Likewise, look out for your partner. Make sure your partner knows how to advocate for themselves as well. Be approachable. You love each other. That’s why you’re doing this.

2.      Trust your partner

Open relationships are built explicitly from trust on the foundation of healthy and loving relationships. Distrust and fear are going to be part of this journey. Accept that. Jealousy will rear it’s ugly head, but again think back to the point where you decided to open your relationship. How were you feeling then? Did you think your partner would run off with someone else if they have the chance? After all, you are giving your partner the option to sexually pursue other people.

If you don't trust your significant other completely, with your life, your emotions, your mental health, or even the temptation of adding another person to your sex life will bring, don't do it. This is why it is so important to have that strong relationship as your foundation. This is not to say push aside any doubts you ever have because at one point you trusted your partner, but learn how to talk about those fears and insecurities, knowing that your significant other is probably feeling some of those things as well. They should be looking out for you as much as you are for them.

3.      Communicate openly and honestly with your partner

It's a great idea to talk to your partner about your sex life. Talk about what turns you on, your fantasies, what movie stars you would be naughty with if you could, and, for many people, that is as far as it needs to go. I see nothing wrong with that, discussing new things can turn you on and be its own wonderful little foreplay for your sexual life with your partner, leading to a night of great, passionate sex. And it may stop right there. And that’s totally legitimate and absolutely fine. But for some, if the conversation keeps coming back to the ideas of including a third or fourth person or more in your relationship, temporarily or permanently, at least explore the idea. How would you go about it? Are there possible complications or concerns (spoiler alert: there should be)? If one person believes they would get too jealous or it's not for them the other person should respect that and not push their ideas on the other one, trying to force them to act out fantasies they don't want to happen, some things are not meant to be acted out and only to be dreamed of.

Recognize why you want something (just for your own growth as an open person), before, during and after. An overwhelming physical urge is probably the very best indicator you can have: your body tells you loud and clear when there is something great that you’re sure you won't find in any other situation. If your partner can empathize with and celebrate your successful hunt for that sensation, then you're doing it right. This is the "open" part of being in an open relationship. If they're not happy, you're not being open.  But along those same lines, recognize that everyone is going to proceed at their own pace. If your partner still hasn't found what the French a call a certain “I don’t know what,” be patient, encouraging, and seek input from others who have more experience. If you have a feeling that your partner might lag behind in finding external partners, allow them to go first. Be supportive. Opening your relationship is as much about personal development as it is about bringing you closer together through experiencing others.

Communication is the capstone for open relationships. Without a strong ability to communicate, the whole thing will fall apart. If you cannot talk about how you’re feeling, your emotions might turn to jealousy and bitterness. This can lead to spiteful behavior, which is only going to serve to derail that core relationship. A good way to build that communication is to have regular check-ins with your partner where you can both sit down and tell each other how you’re feeling about anything that may have changed regarding those outside relationships.  By scheduling it out, again, you’re helping to take the emotional energy out of the conversation. You’re giving each other the time and attention the conversation deserves, but you’re also allowing any tension to deflate.

With that being said, if something ever drastically changes and you find yourself well beyond your comfort zone, speak up immediately. Your consent can be revoked.

Likewise, try your best to check in with each other to make sure everything is copacetic before you do anything major. Even if it is just a quick "hey, I want to go blow this guy in the bathroom; is that okay with you?" It is critical that you make the time to do this. Number one, it gives your partner the opportunity to speak up if they do have doubts, but it also let’s them know that you are still thinking about them. Likewise, it allows them to look out for you and let’s them know that you’re still in a state where you’re thinking clearly enough to check in. If you can't accomplish this sanity check (roll for will) for practical reasons, like if you’re not at the same party or your partner is not responding to your text messages, at the very least, you need to ask yourself if your actions will hurt your partner. Be especially careful to do this check when mutual friends are involved. Conversely, agree to never take shame your partner when your partner asks for something that makes you uncomfortable.  This is part of the sexual exploration allowed for in open relationships, and you need to be able to voice your discomfort without harshly judging your partner. This is supposed to be fun, and shaming your partner for their sexual appetites is a sure fire way to create tension.

4.      Set boundaries or guidelines, but try to avoid strict rules

You need to set clear and defined boundaries before anything happens. Are you allowed to form romantic attachments with other people or is this going to be all about sex? If you start to feel yourself get attached, are you to drop the person immediately? How often will you get tested for STIs (because safety is key and you should probably just get tested anyway if you’re sexually active)? Are both of you being non-monogamous or is only one of you interested in pursuing external partners (which is also totally legitimate, if only your partner wants to explore with other people and you’re fine with that, you can make it work)? Will you share your experiences or have a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy?

All of this may sound exhausting, but if you want an open relationship to work, it’s non-negotiable. And this conversation is never going to be over. Boundaries may shift and change depending on both partners’ comfort levels or even life events. If one person is going through a rough patch with external factors or is coping with depression, the other may want to revisit these boundaries for their sake. Be honest when you feel like something needs to be adjusted.

There is no sheltering your partner from your emotional storm. You are not protecting your partner or your relationship by not being honest about what you are experiencing of feeling. You cannot avoid having these conversations. These boundaries are important because they are what define fidelity within your open relationship. Part of that trust in your partner is being honest with yourself.

With that being said, you need to stick to the boundaries—otherwise, it's cheating.

An open relationship is not a free-for-all. You can’t pull some shady shit and then cover it with the guise of your “open relationship.” If you are breaking your partner’s trust, you are removing the consensual part of non-monogamy and are, effectively, cheating. If romantic relationships are not allowed, then you must be prepared to adapt and possibly drop the person you’re seeing. Remember, outsider’s are never going to be the central target to any harm done within your open relationship, it’s always going to be about you and your partner.

I know, I’m taking all the fun out of it, but once you feel pretty confident in knowing your boundaries and you know why you want an open relationship in the first place, it’s a great idea to write them down into categories. The most effective breakdown I’ve found is a simple three column list of what you want, what you’d prefer but isn’t essential, and what you’re simply not okay with. This will help serve as a reference for you and your partner, and it will really allow you to talk about things you may have experienced without them. These boundaries can then become guidelines governing how the two of you should proceed.

And I say guidelines instead of rules because guidelines can change and lead you in new directions. Your relationship is going to evolve and these guidelines need to be flexible. Rules are strict and can and will be broken. Strict rules can mean that you're afraid, or you don't trust each other. Things can be used maliciously when there are rules to be broken.

Something to keep in mind is the idea of a trump card (this may not be necessary for everyone, and plenty of polyamorous people will reject the notion because it creates a hierarchy in which one relationship is more important than another, which is fine under this definition of open relationship). If there’s ever a situation you become immediately uncomfortable with, your partner needs to be able to accept and respect your feelings. Sometimes it’s just a vibe, and other times it’s something totally serious, like your partner is well past the point of sobriety,  or the person/scene has major drama (e.g. an ex), sexually communicable diseases, etc. You're taking care of the relationship and your partner when you speak up.

5.      Be open minded and have fun, safely

This one is a little obvious, but it’s still critically important. Situations are going to arise where you find yourself turned on by something unexpected. You may pursue a partner you’ve never really considered before. After all, this is about your individual growth and exploration, too. You should always practice safe sex, but even if you’re choosing to fluid bond with another person (if you and your partner have had that discussion, mind you) there are still ways to be safe. 

6.      Accept that you're going to mess it up, know you can fix it.

You know you'll "get it wrong" and break the rules and even hurt each other's feelings and even so, agree verbally with each other that these failures don't count against you or your relationship (or anyone involved). Fire is hot and water is wet. Acknowledge it here and now because this goes for monogamous relationships too, you’re both going to mess up. Mistakes will be made and feelings will be hurt, but again, you started this journey together from a loving and understanding relationship. Accept what happened if/when mistakes are made (don’t intentionally make them, obviously; remember it’s consensual non-monogamy), love and respect each other even more afterwards. You may earn a few scars, but it’s worth it to be free and know each other even more authentically. Beauty marred is beauty true. Sometimes, all you have to say is, "That's not how I wanted things to go, but things got crazy, I'm sorry."

7.      Reinforce the idea that you will always be there for each other

As you evolve, reinforce to each other that none of your adventures will put the relationship on the line or devalue your partner in any way: this is especially important if you decide you can each go after things you want separately sometimes. This is the "relationship" part of being in an open relationship: it’s there and it’s solid, and you should be proud of that. So respect it. Embrace it. Your partner is there for you to share all your highs and lows, and this is and always has been about what’s best for you and your partner.

8.      Learn to laugh at yourself and expect little.

Things are going to be awkward. You’re probably going to come across people who are very much interested in you, but not in the fact that you have a partner. Sure things can and will back fire. Desperation isn’t sexy. Learn to laugh it off. Learn some humility and talk it over with your partner. It’s perfectly fine to not have sex all the time.

9.      Therapists and relationship coaches can help you succeed.

Sex therapy or relationship counseling are always an option for you and all of your partners when you hit rough patches. A word of caution, however, many counselors and therapists are not prepared to talk about consensual non-monogamy, so it may take a while for you to shop around.

Find support wherever you can. Many major cities have groups for visibility. You may find other relationships that can serve as a model for you and your partner(s), and know that if nothing else, I am always here for you, too.

And there you go. You now know everything you need to know about having a happy, healthy and successful open relationship. No, not really, but hopefully this puts you and your partner on the right track. Always remember: People get jealous. People get scared. And stupid things will happen. So long as you can talk about these things though, this could be an amazing adventure. Have fun experimenting and do it safely, please.

If you are thinking about opening your relationship and want to know more, send me a message. Or if you have a suggestion for a future post, send an anonymous ask. This is a safe space, and I care about you! I will do my best to educate myself and I’m always happy to talk.

[fabriziofusco80]

A Ceremony To Call In My Beloved

At the beginning of 2018, I was seriously considering entering a monastic phase of life. After three divorces and five years of messy relationships, I've become weary of the energetic exhaustion I associate with romantic relationship. Having ended my last romance in September, just before my mother died, I felt so heartbroken that I had a strong protector part making a very valid, rational case about why I should just accept the invitation of celibacy as the next phase of my spiritual journey. I was aware that it was likely that this impulse was coming not so much from my devotion to monastic life but from the trauma of repetitive heartbreak, a distrust of my own discernment, and a feeling of hopelessness. I also had a part that was making an equally good case for how the greatest growth edge of my spiritual journey lies in exploring my sexuality and radical emotional intimacy with a deep, spiritually mature partner who has experience with sexuality as a spiritual practice. I do not consider myself sexually experienced. Although I've had plenty of sex in my life, I've never really had a partner who was simultaneously safe enough and curious enough and spiritually mature enough and powerful enough to hold the kind of sexual and spiritual energy that can arise in the right partnership. I've tasted that intensity with two different men, but neither of them was available to explore that kind of heart/soul/genital connection in any sustained, reliable, deeply intimate way.

I spent the New Year marinating in this war between my parts.

Then I took the issue to my therapist. I have been working with transpersonal psychologist Ted Esser for four years as my personal guide and spiritual counselor. He hardly ever gives me advice or tells me what to do. If I ask for direct guidance, he unfailingly turns me back to my own intuition. Sometimes it makes me bonkers, because he's super intuitive, and sometimes I just want him to tell me what he sees and help me cheat! But he is steadfast in his devotion to helping me trust my Inner Pilot Light. So it's very rare when he is directive with me, expressing any forceful or strong advice.

But in January, when I was talking to Ted about my last break up, Ted responded with something he rarely does. First, he shared his intuition. Then he gave me an assignment.

His intuition was that I am not meant to live a monastic life, that the right partnership will explode my spiritual growth, and that such a partnership would benefit not just me personally, but my work, my message, and the collective.

No biggie.

His assignment was for me to perform a “white magic” ceremony to call in this Beloved who would be my partner in exploration of pleasure as a spiritual path. Everything in me balked at this assignment. I've spent years practicing spiritual surrender. It is my practice not to use intention or spiritual power to get what my ego might want. I don't follow law of attraction teachings or sit in goddess circles to cast spells so we can attract men or make it rain. I rarely even play around with some of the stuff I once wrote about in The Anatomy of a Calling, like bending spoons or calling in the whales. I won't even discuss such things in my workshops unless they've listened to hours of talk about abuse of spiritual power and how I'll kick everyone's ass if they use their power to show off, bolster their egos or God forbid-harm anyone with black magic.

While I have reckoned with my spiritual power and I know it's real, I don't have any wish to use it for egoic purposes, and calling in a partner felt like part of the “how to get what your ego wants” misuse of power.

Ted listened generously to my resistance, smiling and reassuring me that he's totally on board with my practice of spiritual surrender. He wanted me to see that the two need not be mutually exclusive, that held in paradox, I could simultaneously assert the force of my will and let go with non-attachment, that if we hold a nondual perspective, willfulness and surrender can live together without conflict.

Something plunked in my gut when he said what he said. I sensed he was right, but I was still scared. “You should be scared,” he said, “Because this kind of relationship will rock your world.” Not only do I have a frightened part that has witnessed so much abuse of spiritual power-and so much destruction as a result of such abuse-that I don't want to touch my spiritual power with a ten foot pole. I also sensed the deep truth of what he said. Part of me is actually afraid of meeting someone who could shatter me.

I also have a practice of not letting fear take the wheel of my decision making. I see that a lot of my resistance is fear-based and that I cannot fully express my purpose here on this planet if I am not willing to trust myself to use my spiritual power without abusing it. (For more on my views about The Shadow Of Spirituality and how spiritual leaders abuse power and how spiritual seeker give their power away in dangerous ways, you can participate in this teleclass I taught.)

Although I seek guidance from several teachers, therapists, and wise friends, I aspire to never give over my authority to anyone else-and Ted would never want me to.  Susie Bright says, “Take inspiration from everyone and instruction from no one.” (Hat tip to Jeff Magnani in our Soul Tribe for sharing that quote.) So I took his guidance and filtered it through my Inner Pilot Light.

After navigating all my inner resistance, checking in with my intuition, praying for signs, seeding my dreams, wrestling with my fears of abusing power, and asking for protection to ensure that I never misuse my power, I finally got the clear green light from my Inner Pilot Light to perform a “white magic” ceremony to call in my Beloved.

I won't go into the details of what I did, because I don't want my ceremony to be misappropriated for anyone else's egoic or nefarious purposes. So I'll just show you photos of my ceremony and share with you one part of what happened during this four hour ceremony that I performed by myself during the January New Moon. (Astrologers tell us that new moons are a great time to plant seeds of intentions, while full moons are ideal times for releasing that which doesn't serve us.)

To prepare for this extensive ritual, I wrote what I'm about to share, and I read it out loud during my ceremony. I wanted to share it with you all in case it inspires you to tune into the frequency and emotional resonance of what might be calling you.

Calling In My Tantra Consort

We gaze into one another's eyes and the edges of reality blur as the soul reveals itself. We feel tempted to look away-it is so intimate to be so seen that it feels frightening, but we have prepared for this moment and we can hold each others gaze without looking away. Our hearts open. I can feel the tears responding to the opening of my heart, as I give and am given the privilege of having my soul witnessed by this Beloved. Eros flows between us-the life force moving in our bodies and in the space between us. This is more than lust; it is the longing to be One, to touch our lips together, to merge our bodies, to make Love, to dissolve the barriers that separate us, to let go of the ego borders that make us separate from All That Is, to merge into union with the Divine through our union with each other, to glimpse eternity while still in two bodies, to return from this bliss and remember the Oneness even as we feel once again the Twoness, to take this deep Remembering out into the world until we unite once again.

I invite in a monogamous partner who is also a Tantra or Taoist consort for Karmamudra or Sexual Alchemy practice, someone who is prepared to explore with me sexual union as a spiritual practice of deep intimacy and Oneness with the Divine through the God/Goddess in one another. I understand that such a union can be a fierce invitation because such partnering is not always easy, stripping away all that is not Love and calling forth both partner's deepest shadows, to be brought into the light, made conscious, and integrated through healing and self-acceptance. I am prepared to be challenged with bench pressing my receiving muscles, making pleasure a spiritual practice and increasing my tolerance for deep intimacy, intense pleasure, and the vulnerability and bliss of great joy and deep connection.

This relationship will exist between two sovereign beings who resist the temptations of co-dependence or the spiritual bypassing and intimacy avoidant tendencies to avoid conflict or resist having shadows seen and explored together. I am not available to be the narcissist or the co-dependent, but am fully available to hold the paradox of getting our needs met and setting each other free, even if it means that grasping insecurities are evoked or the desire to flee from deep intimacy arises.

Trustworthiness and transparency are tantamount. I will not tolerate lying, cheating, hiding, or withholding information that two intimates need to share in order to keep trust safe. I prefer monogamy, at least in the beginning, until secure attachment is bonded. Later on, although it is not a specific preference, I'm open to a more open relationship sexually, but not if it interferes with intimacy or risks the safety of the deep bond I long for. I am not a jealous person, and I don't wish to partner with someone else who is jealous. I have a monogamous vagina, but a polyamorous heart. There are men I love who are not lovers, but who hold deep space in my heart, and I don't wish to let go of those heart connections or resist new heart connections in the future. I also am not triggered by my partner having heart connections with others, as long as sexual boundaries are clear, respected and communicated.

I have a daughter and she is the light of my life, so any partner who bonds with me will need to bond with her too. I am open to bonding to someone else's children, but I do not anticipate bearing more children myself.

I have a full, rich, exciting life, and I hope my partner does too. I feel smothered if I am the center of the life of someone who lacks other passions, friendships, curiosity about adventures, desire for solitary time, and dreams. I feel neglected if someone is a workaholic or has no bandwidth to prioritize me. I hope to find a partnership where we both prioritize one another but also offer enough space to support our life purposes, our other relationships, our children, our self-care, and our reasons for incarnating in this life.

I care a lot about service, healing the planet, creativity and activism, so it's not a great match if someone else cares only for hedonistic self-indulgences. It's also not a great match if someone is a martyr to a cause and devotes himself obsessively to his cause from a place of self-sacrifice and depletion, which inevitably leads to anxiety, despair, and illness or injury. Someone with circles under his eyes from late nights spent fighting for his activist cause or someone who has to meditate four hours a day in order to pursue his spiritual ambitions probably wouldn't have enough time to play in nature, in bed and explore deep intimacy. But someone who only cares about playtime and isn't in touch with a deeper purpose in life will probably get frustrated with my mission and excitement for global healing and the Love Revolution that is underway and making progress!

I yearn for someone who has already done a lot of psychospiritual deep work in order to heal from past trauma and learn the tools for navigating future traumas as life will inevitably deliver them. I do not wish to be someone's primary teacher. I have a therapist and a spiritual teacher, and I am seeking someone who also has someone they can access to get help working on his side of the psychospiritual street if the inevitable challenges arise. While I believe the relationship itself can be a powerful guru, I also sense that a twosome can be strengthened if a third party is available to help navigate any conflicts the two can't resolve with Non-Violent Communication, prayer, surrender, the willingness to explore challenges, and a commitment to love, growth and consciousness. Someone who believes he has the direct connection to God and never strays off track, who doesn't need a therapist or teacher, or who believes he does not need a therapist because he has no trauma and will never have any in the future will probably not be a good fit for me. I work hard on myself, using deep self-inquiry and many other practices, to continue drilling down and stripping away everything that is not Love. I also commit to practicing pleasure as a spiritual path.

I love to play, be in nature, laugh, make love and have fun, so someone who wants to go from one silent meditation retreat to another will probably be disappointed in my lack of discipline! Play is part of my practice, and pleasure is my best teacher right now, so I'm not into the ascetic's path. I love creating gourmet picnics to eat on mountaintops we hike to, basking in natural hot springs, listening to music with the windows down on Highway 1, enjoying a glass of wine by the fire after a day on the ski slopes, singing along with someone's guitar or piano, and sunbathing naked at the local beach with the breeze tickling me and the sun basking on my bare skin. I love creating and participating in meaningful rituals, honoring full moons and solstices, and traveling to sacred sites like Macchu Picchu, Lourdes, the temples in Bali, and Grace Cathedral. I live for my weekly dance “Sweat Your Prayers” 5 Rhythms church, where 150 crazy dancers ecstatically connect and move energy through our hearts and into each other and the world. Singing, writing, and making art bring me great joy. I hope my partner is as excited about life and passionate about what delights him as I am. If our interests overlap, I will look forward to sharing these delights, and if they don't, I'm OK with having separate passions and space to explore what we love separately, as long as there's still bandwidth for and prioritizing of time for deep, intimate connection.

I'm not afraid of the daimonic realms of inspired creativity and sensuality, as well as those shadowy parts we try to repress. Vulnerability and willingness to explore these realms is important to me, as is the willingness of someone else to challenge me into the most expanded version of my human and Divine potential. I'm here to live a fully human life, not to transcend, bypass or deny my humanity. I'm also here to embody my Divinity and honor the Goddess as she expresses herself through me and in the world. Because I have a big purpose here in this life, I yearn for a consort to hold solid sacred masculine grounding for what one friend calls “the Lissa Poltergeist,” stabilizing and rooting me when the Divine Feminine in me explodes in a frenzy of unbridled Shakti. This feminine energy that runs through me has great power and must be met with great power-not through domination, control or suppression of this Shakti, but by a man ready to rise to meet my power with his in a swirl of Divine Love that can facilitate healing, transformation and alchemy in ourselves, in our partnership and in the world.

I am not attached to this sacred union. I would rather live a meaningful monastic life than distract myself with relationships with immature men who aren't ready for this kind of intensity and depth of intimacy. But I sense you are coming to me and that I will recognize you-and you will recognize me-when it's time. Until then, I enjoy leaning into the unmet longing, even when it hurts. I know it is that longing for the Divine-and the Divine through another human-that draws me forth. I know it is this longing that draws you to me. The Eros of this longing is magnetic, pulling me toward the partner who is ready to match my power, my passion, my depth, my intensity, my psychological health, my spiritual maturity, my calling, and my capacity to love and experience intimacy at great depths.

I welcome you in, my Beloved, wherever you are.

The Outcome

I performed my ceremony on January 16, 2018. On January 23, a man reached out to ask me out through a series of synchronicities I won't get into right now. We had our first date January 29, which turned into a shocking whirlwind of connection, intimate disclosures, negotiations, emotionally vulnerable expressions of resistance and desire. We spent the last intense month going very slow sensually and very fast emotionally. Both of us have prioritized staying grounded and resisting the impulse to dive headlong and recklessly into the vortex that emerges between us. Both of us have wounds around “frying” our partners with blasts of unrestrained spiritual and sexual energy. Neither of us wants to hurt the other, so we are practicing grounding, integration, and radical depths of communication and intimacy.

Some parts of me are stunned. Other parts want to get all grandiose. “Look what we did! It worked!” Mostly though, I am just awash in gratitude and overwhelmed with awe that I have met an extraordinary man who seems to meet the description of what I read out loud during my ceremony shockingly well. Our first month was hard-full of exploration of each other's shadows and difficult negotiations and disclosures. It was only a week ago that we finally decided to relax our guard and have a honeymoon in Mendocino, where we become lovers for the first time and celebrated how excited we are to have met one another.

We do not know what the future holds. We are not promising each other anything, other than “Today I choose you, tomorrow, we'll see.” What I can say is that my intuition feels that this will be a significant relationship, perhaps the most significant of my life. It's early to say much more. Neither of us have any fantasy of “happily-ever-after” or “soul mate” projections or fairytale endings. But we do have hope; hope that it's possible for a man and a woman to be free spirits who express themselves authentically, outside our cultural conditioning, to explore intimacy and freedom in paradox, rather than in conflict, to use this relationship as a spiritual practice, and to dive into pleasure as a spiritual path.

When we are more solid, if he gives his permission, I'll share more.

The past two years have been brutal. I've shared with you most but not all of the painful details of life's most recent Perfect Storm. But I don't want you to think my life is pure pain or that spiritual growth must always be intensely uncomfortable!? It's like ecstasy and trauma are riding shotgun, side by side on this rollercoaster of life.

My latest growth edge is my capacity to receive unlimited blessings. I've got the masochism as a spiritual path thing down pat. Throw anything painful at me, and I can alchemize it into soul growth! But what about pleasure as a spiritual path? Can I expand my tolerance for ecstasy, rapture and bliss? How much joy, ease, and grace will my system let me have? How many miracles can I fully take in with awe? Do I have a glass ceiling? If so, this man is going to help me discover it-and bust right through it (either that, or I'll sabotage this).

I am up for the task. I can see where the growth edge lives. I'm so much more comfortable giving than receiving. I am learning to receive blessings from the Universe-and from this man. Can I handle it without contracting? Time will tell…

Since I pretty much tell you all most of the intimate details of my life, I wanted to let you into this emerging love story. Please hold the two of us in your hearts and send prayers and blessings for whatever serves the highest good for us all.

With love and hope,

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[thegrandprinxe]

word vomit + thoughts on exploring polyamory/ethical non-monogamy

writing some thoughts here even if no one reads them because I’m too lazy to physically write in my journal.

so. for the first time in my life–i’m 😍. I’ve fallen for my best friend who is polyam. 

now, i’ve struggled to even maintain steady relationships in monogamous situations, so the fact that i have feelings for someone who is polyamorous is sending my little insecure brain through an emotional rollercoaster.

although we are not in a relationship, we both still clearly have feelings for each other, but we can’t be together due to other reasons. mostly me being a fuck up and needing to grow up. however, she has decided to date other people, while I’ve opted to remain single because I believe I have a lot of personal growth and healing to do before i can start responsibly dating again.

the issue is: she’s a very open person (which is fucking fantastic!) and i’ve tried to develop the good habit of also sharing with her whenever i like someone, or if i’m crushing on someone, or if i may be potentially going on a date with someone. BUT when she tells me about her dates or feelings about other people i find the nasty feeling of jealousy & insecurity popping up within me. it’s not good. it’s selfish and i hate myself for it. she’ll tell me things that she admires about the folx she’s dating, and it for whatever reason causes me to tense up and become cold. 

i worry and think stupid things like, “she likes these other two people more than me and she’ll forget all about me” or “i’m not attractive enough, smart enough, fearless enough, masculine enough, etc.” which are obviously not true.

i want to know, how do i work through these feelings? i don’t want to bring these feelings up because it’s truly not worth the argument, emotional labor, etc. it will only drain her and push her further away from me. i don’t want to her anymore than i already have in the past. it would be selfish of me to bring these feelings up because then, what would i expect her to do about it? stop dating people? of course not. that would just be v controlling and icky to even ask.

for people are polyam, i would 💛 to know the other side. could y’all share the positive things you feel when you share your feelings with your multiple partners? what good feelings arise and why should your partner(s) not feel jealousy?

[polyadvice]

Hi Zinnia! If you are comfortable with it, would you mind talking a little bit about your faith and its relation to polyamory? I was raised Catholic in a rather strict community and had to unlearn a lot of toxic teachings to become comfortable with polyamory. I'm curious about your experience and keeping with the faith.

This answer ran really long, so I’l put it under a cut and break it up into sections.

My identity

I believe that I have always been polyamorous; I can look back at some thoughts, feelings, and questions I had even as a young kid and recognize that traditional monogamy just would never have been healthy for me. This “born this way” narrative helps strengthen my conviction that polyamory is an okay way to be; it’s not just urges that I need to resist to be a good person.

My personal faith journey is a bit unconventional in the sense that I was not raised Christian but converted as a teen. So I was lucky in that I didn’t grow up with a lot of toxic teachings about bodies, sexuality, relationships, purity, etc. I converted in the context of the Evangelical church, passionate and individual-focused, but I never held to much of their theology around social issues.

When I discovered polyamory as a term and concept and started practicing, I was 19 and had been Christian for about three years. I wasn’t too concerned with how it intersected with my faith; I was still learning who I was and what I believed, and I was the only Christian in my social group, so there wasn’t much pressure around that. My parents are okay with my polyamory and NOT okay with my conversion to Christianity. Go figure.

By the time I was 21, my identity and theology as a Christian, and my identity and philosophy as a polyamorous person, had both crystallized. They grew in form together, informed by my studies into queer, liberation and feminist theology. My polyamory is part of my faith; my faith is part of my polyamory. I see traditional attitudes about relationships, gender roles, and property rights as violent and outdated, and standing in opposition to the Gospel message, and healthy, intentional polyamory is one way, for me, of re-claiming the dynamic vision of wholeness that I believe the Kingdom reflects.

Romans 13:10 tells us: “Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” I believe sin is anything that separates us from God, each other, or ourselves; anything that denies someone agency and wholeness; anything that causes trauma to our bodies, earth, relationships, or minds. I can see no evidence that healthy, intentional polyamory does harm. It liberates us from rigid relationship roles that are tied up in oppressive ideas about gender, bodies, and economics. I don’t think it’s “wrong” or “sinful” to be polyamorous.

I am fully aware that parts of the Bible clearly prescribe monogamy - but I believe those sections must be understood in the context of the time. It is clearly sinful to cheat on someone, to use your body or your language in ways that hurt someone or leave someone vulnerable. Without a cultural concept of healthy polyamory, unhealthy non-monogamy of course looks sinful.

But the Bible also condones slavery, plural marriage, and violence against children, so, again, it’s important to understand context and culture. My old priest used to say “Jesus talked a lot more about economics than sex,” and she’s right. If you look at the core message of Jesus - liberation, wholeness, reconciliation, redemption, love - it is a lot more compatible with polyamory than a lot of the stuff we see in the Old Testament, stories being related to us not as an example to follow but a historical record of a specific people’s relationship to the Divine.

I get really insulted when people (that means you, everyone who messages me on OKCupid) imply that my polyamory and Christianity exist “in spite of” each other; or that I must “compartmentalize” in order to be both, or that I have to do some “reconciling” to avoid “cognitive dissonance.” To me, they are intertwined; they inform each other; they are rooted in the same thoughts, beliefs, values, feelings, desires, and needs. 

My Christianity influences my polyamory - Gospel ideas about growth, healing, inclusion, and love. My polyamory influences my Christianity - practices centered around intentionality, identifying and communicating needs, honoring a person and their relationships without having to fit it into a pre-existing box. I am both a Christian Anarchist and a Relationship Anarchist, and that’s not exactly a coincidence.

Being polyamorous in a Christian community

I immediately started running into opposition, however. My spiritual leader on campus, the InterVarsity coordinator, disapproved of my polyamory and cited Scripture about it. It hurt my heart to have such an important part of my life and relationships rejected by someone who I needed to be a safe person, so I sort of just dropped that as a conversational topic, and she did the same, though I know she continued to “pray for me” over what she saw as a dangerous and harmful choice I was making.

Later, I took a volunteer gig as a youth ministry helper in a church. But since I was living with my boyfriend and unmarried, I was unable to sign the covenant the church required of actual volunteer-staff, which was why I remained a “helper” instead of a “leader.” In practice, had all the same roles and responsibilities as a leader, but on paper I held a lower position. The youth pastor and his wife were supportive and welcoming, treating the whole situation like a bureaucratic annoyance. But it was a clear signal that my understanding of sexual morality was different than this church’s party line, and so I kept my polyamory to myself.

I was accidentally outed during a conversation with the youth minister’s wife - I mentioned a college boyfriend, but she remembered that I had been with my current partner since high school. I said yes, we opened our relationship to get through the distance of college. She said “but now that you live together, that stopped, right?” I could have lied to her, but I really don’t like doing that - staying closeted through omission of details is one thing, but answering a direct question with a lie feels gross. I told her the truth.

She was clear with me that she doesn’t believe that is a wise or healthy or Godly choice. I was clear with her that I respected her position but wasn’t interested in being evangelized out of my relationship and identity. She told me she would pray for me and encouraged me to spend some time with the Holy Spirit seeking discernment about this. I told her that I would (knowing that the Holy Spirit and I frequently come to conclusions together that she wouldn’t agree with). She also made it clear that I was to keep this private at church, especially since I worked with the kids. I promised her that I would. She continues to be a good friend of mine, a loving and supportive sister in Christ.

When I moved to where I live now, I sought out a more open church. I found my way to the Episcopal church. They are known for being incredibly progressive in issues of sexuality, gender identity, etc. They have openly gay and  leaders in the church, perform same-sex weddings, teach comprehensive sex-ed rather than purity-culture nonsense in their youth programs. I joined an Episcopal church in the area and soon was interviewing to be their youth minister. As part of the interview process, I told my priest, who would also be my boss, about my polyamorous identity.

He was less aggressively this-is-wrong than the other church leadership I’d spoken to, but was also not immediately welcoming. He told me that he didn’t see it as a problem and was still happy to hire me to minister to the youth of the parish. However, as a condition of my employment, he did want me to stay closeted at church. Essentially, his position was, he didn’t have an issue with it, but he also wasn’t “for it” enough to take a stand for me if the parents of the parish were put off or uncomfortable. He didn’t want me to put him in the position of defending something he wasn’t sure he was able or willing to defend. He also didn’t want concerns to be raised that I was teaching the kids something inappropriate or out of line with the church’s beliefs.

So I agreed. It was worth it - I love the kids and wouldn’t trade my place in the community for anything - but it is painful and isolating. I do live in fear of being “caught.” I have two long-term partners right now, one of whom is seen by the church as my boyfriend; and another who is my “friend.” I am very lucky that this person doesn’t pressure me to let him be his true self, hold my hand or kiss me when he visits me at church to hear me preach - it is a big thing I am asking of him, too, to be closeted as well, to be kept a secret. I have a lot of church people on my Facebook, so I cannot wish him a public happy anniversary, refer to him as my boyfriend, post any photos of us kissing, etc.

But I also live in most areas of my life as an out poly person. I run this blog (actually, the login page for my gmail which clearly says “polyamoryadvice” was accidentally projected to the entire parish when I plugged my computer in once, which gave me a gnarly panic attack but thankfully had no consequences) and have an OKCupid account (where local people have found me!). I worry about being doxxed or being seen out and about with one of my other partners. So It’s a fine line to walk and I do carry a lot of stress and sadness about it. 

I have been open with my priest about my future desires to go into the Episcopalian priesthood, and he is very unsure of whether he could support me if I continue to be a practicing polyamorous person. If I started in the seminary, I would want to be out and proud, but that is not a bridge I need to cross just yet, because I am making different plans for the next few years of my life.

Why I don’t fight for inclusion right now

I would love to be able to write this blog under my real name. I would love to be able to publish articles about polyamory elsewhere, under my real name. I would love to be able to include all my partners in all areas of my life. I am often asked why I don’t push my priest, and my church community, to be more inclusive and accepting.

The answer is two-fold: one, I simply don’t have the energy right now. I am the only person of faith in my polyamorous network right now, and the only person my age in my church community. I just don’t have the peer support or community foundation to start such a fight right now. This sometimes makes me feel ashamed - I look at the pioneers who fought for women’s ordination or LGBTQ rights in the church, and I know their journey was lonely, and difficult, but ultimately worth fighting. I am just not ready to make those sacrifices just yet, to step into that loneliness and pain and struggle.

The second answer is that I want to be sensitive about what I am asking for. Church community and church beliefs are messy, complicated, and, for many people, sacred.

I wouldn’t appreciate it if I was running a community with a set of stated values and someone just showed up and insisted we change to accommodate them. Even if I agree that inclusion is a good thing! Even if the change they’re asking for would ultimately be for the better! This is the kind of thing where, sometimes, you stay in your seat and be a passenger for a while before you try and take the wheel to change course. I respected the right of my former church to set their morals and covenants, even if they didn’t suit me entirely. 

I do not get to show up to an established community with established values and an established identity and start making a big mess of things. I don’t get to demand that they change the way they do everything to include or accept me. I wish I could. I wish there was space for me, all of me, in the church right now. But there isn’t. This makes me feel sad and lonely. And I intend to continue fighting for myself and others like me, looking ahead to a future where I don’t have to be so closeted or compartmentalized - but, for now, the healthiest thing for me to do right now is keep my head down on this issue, because I need a secure place in a church community to build a foundation on before I feel safe striking out on my own like that.

In conclusion

So there you have it! I hope this answers your questions.

This is a really sensitive topic for me - I often feel rejected and alienated from polyamorous communities because of hostility against Christianity, so please don’t send me hate mail about that. I honor and recognize that a lot of people, especially people in the queer community, have a lot of pain and trauma history around childhoods in the church, and you have every right to your anger. But please try not to direct it at me. I get enough snide comments and casual alienation in my daily life, where 99.9% of my peer group is atheist, and it’s pretty lonesome being a polyamorous Christian in an incredibly secular area, attending a church where my demographic is under-represented along every axis.  And if you are a Christian who wants to send me hate mail about how my Biblical interpretations are wrong and I am a hedonistic sinner, also, please just don’t. It really hurts my feelings. I don’t exactly fit in anywhere. I literally cried when I saw an etsy listing for a polyamorous-and-Christian pendant. So trust me, whatever you have to say, I’ve already heard it, and it made me feel bad, but I’m still polyamorous and Christian, so, save your energy and do something slightly more Christlike with your time. <3