#romance favorable aro culture

[aro-culture-is]

relationship favorable aro culture is being sick of people only ever bringing us up in shipping debates. it’s either other aros acting like we either don’t exist or are the sole reason they’re still pressured to be in relationships. or it’s allos using your existence to completely ignore aromanticism and how it affects relationships

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[heartless-aro]

“Aros can still date!”

Yes, they can. But do you actually make an effort to learn about the experiences of partnering and romance favorable aros, or do you just use them as a gotcha whenever people explain how your words and actions contribute to aromantic erasure? When you write romance involving aromantic characters, are you actually making an effort to acknowledge how their aromanticism might affect the way they would approach a romantic relationship, or are you writing them as an alloromantic character while tacking on the disclaimer that “it’s okay, because some aros date!”?

Are you shipping those aromantic characters because you’re interested in reading and/or writing stories about those aromantic characters navigating romantic relationships that may involve little to no romantic attraction? Are you interested in seeing those characters explore how their aromanticism affects what romance means to them and what their boundaries are in a romantic relationship? Or are you going to ignore their aromanticism altogether and reimagine aromantic characters in a way that conforms to amatonormative and allonormative notions of what a person’s life and relationships should look like?

The problem with shipping aromantic characters isn’t just that it’s often done with characters who are pretty heavily implied to be romance averse. It isn’t just that some people who ship aromantic characters are treating the characters’ aromanticism as an nothing more than an obstacle to their ships rather than treating aromantic representation as something worth celebrating in its own right. It’s also the fact that a lot of people in fandom spaces treat partnering and romance favorable aromantics as being “basically alloromantic” instead of actually respecting the identities and experiences of romance favorable and partnering aros.

[transgenderism-horror]

Sorry but in what world kinky aces are more validated in the ace community

[hairscare]

it is absolutely so absurd how shipping culture has made people feel like every single aroace character must be romance and sex favorable and its a normal thing to insist to real aspec people that its not disrespectful to mass headcanon every aspec character as favorable. yes yes youre very woke for knowing that aros can date and aces can have sex but maybe its not cool that you cant handle a character that doesnt want those things and should be understood in a way that isnt via a pairing

[romancerepulsed]

disclaimer: i am american and i can only speak for how it is here, but regardless this post is about online spaces

i have to say it. "romance negativity" is not a thing and you all look like clowns for saying it and placing it right next to sex negativity. sex negativity exists within a large system oppression. its a set of beliefs an individual can have, yes, but those beliefs in and of themselves are nothing without their institutional support. sex negativity, though it hurts queer people the most, negatively affects every person who desires to interact with sexuality in any way. sex negativity is major websites and apps banning porn for the sake of profit. sex negativity is restricting abortion access. sex negativity is absitence-only education. sex negativity is the criminalization of sex work. sex negativity is rape culture.

romance negativity does not exist in this way. the most romance negativity could possibly harm you is it hurting your feelings a bit when an aromantic person expresses their frustrations with amatonormativity. our institutions actively push for romance and partnering. our whole society is structured around it. all of our entertainment is infested with it. there is no significant cultural push to devalue romance the same way there is for sex, and thats why the discussion of the evil repulsed aros who hate romance and hate you for experiencing it is so fucking stupid to me. like, every romance repulsed aro i know is so painstakingly polite and supportive to the alloromantics and romance favorable aros around us. we are constantly gritting our teeth and working through it, because thats what we have always had to do.

ive also seen posts complaining that romance repulsed aros make the community feel unsafe for romance favorable aros, which... i have not seen any of the rumored aro elitism this implies at all. im sure there are some guys out there who exclude romance favorable aros, and they absolutely suck ass. but this is not a widespread problem at all. and i need you to put yourselves in the shoes of a romance repulsed aromantic person right now. someone who has just found the language for what theyve been struggling with all their lives, and theyre excited to find a community for people like them, a community thats supposed to be free from the talons of amatonormativity, only to find out most of the people there are still talking about their partners, their crushes, the romantic things they wanna do with their friends, etc. its isolating. this isnt to say aromanticism isnt a spectrum or that people shouldnt talk about their experiences as romance favorable aros, im just trying to get you to understand *why* repulsed aros can seem so irritable or aggressive at times.

so im sorry that romance repulsed aros expressing their frustration with the very fabric of society being against them hurt your feelings. but i think maybe thats just something youre gonna have to deal with. if you need tips on sucking it up then maybe ask a romance repulsed aro, we're used to it 👍

[entropy-sea-system]

Because not many people are talking about it, I'm making a post on what constitutes platonormativity!

Platonormativity here refers to the idealisation of friendship and viewing friendship as essential and mandatory.

Im putting this under the cut as this is a long post

[If this personally offends you or you're an exclus or think I am not aware of how friendship is also deprioritised, etc. honestly this post is not really for you lol]

Things that can be platonormative:

-Assuming that everyone has friends, and viewing it as a red flag or a sign of mental illness if someone doesn't have friends, and/or expecting them to be actively looking for friends

-Claiming that one must be 'friends first' before a romantic or sexual or other relationship in order for it to work out

-Treating friendship as inherently more stable and long-lasting than other relationship types

-Using the term friend for people without considering whether they actually are okay with that term or whether they actually want to be your friend, or otherwise considering someone your friend when they are not explicitly okay with that

-Claiming that aros and aces must "at least have friends" or experience platonic love or platonic attraction because of their 'lack'

-Claiming that everyone should have friends

-Profiling people who don't seem to have friends as a "suicide liability"

-Being ableist towards people whose ability to make or keep friends or want friends or otherwise engage in social bonds is diminished by their (physical or mental) disability and/or neurodivergence

-Assuming that everyone is alloplatonic and friending and plato-favorable

-Assuming that no one is monogamous for friendship

-Considering it inherently "unhealthy" or "increasing risk of abuse" if someone has a partner(s) but not friends

-Forcing friendship as something mandatory even when people are toddlers or very young children

-Assuming a couple/other partners are solely "friends" due to them being polyamorous, queer, or other reasons

-Assuming that people who interact in certain ways must be friends

-Treating friendship as something inherently more "wholesome" or as something that can never be used for harm unless it was a pretence

-Blaming a lack of friendship rather than the harmful behaviour itself when it comes to 'pickup artists' and other people who act entitled to sex, romance, or other things

-Calling aplatonics with a connection to romance "amatonormative" for existing

-Treating the dismantling of amatonormativity, relationship anarchy, and aro activism as an excuse to enforce friendship as something that is mandatory

-Claiming that 'aro culture' is basically (insert alloplatonic and/or plato favorable experience)

-Assuming that ALL demiromantic and/or demisexual people must require friendship as the bond after which it is a possibility for them to experience attraction

-Assuming that every alloaro must want a 'friends with benefits' type of relationship

-Assuming that anything thats nonromantic and/or nonsexual has to be platonic(friendship)

-Reinforcing a platonic-romantic binary

-Claiming that friendship cannot involve sex or romance ever

-Assuming that queerplatonic relationships are friendship or always involve friendship

-Looking down on others for not giving priority to friendship or not engaging in friendship

-Media being saturated with friendship and not many media existing without having friendship in it

-Not understanding that people can be repulsed by friendship and/or platonicism

[selfidentifiednerdyprude]

Individual choices vs systemic forces

This has come up a lot, especially with me being dumb enough to stand up for myself on a certain post about kinky aces and wholesomeness that's going around, so I'm making a post to clarify the issue.

Tl;dr you can do whatever you want forever, I don't care, it literally does not affect me one bit if an ace person is involved in sex/kink or an aro person is involved in romance or an aroace person is involved in both.

I would like to lessen the forces that make people feel like they HAVE to do these things, but it is straight up not my place to police whether anyone CAN do these things.

The thing is, nothing I say on this blog is ever about individual people making choices about what's best for themselves. "There are people in happy and healthy relationships that look like the ones that hurt me, and this is fine" has been a guideline of my writing about how I was harmed by the kink community since I started writing about how I was harmed by the kink community.

My work concerns itself with compulsory sexuality and amatonormativity, and the ways it harms everyone, including alloromantic allosexuals.

My quarrel is not with people making the choice to be sexual or romantic in whatever way they choose— it's with the system that elevates these choices to be more than choices.

It's not with the kinky ace who writes erotica. It's with the system that uses kinky aces who write erotica as "proof" that ace people are worthy of respect— because we shouldn't need proof that we're worthy of respect. We are people, regardless of how sexually inclined we are or aren't, and we belong here.

It's not with the aromantic person who chooses to enjoy romantic content or enter a romantic relationship. It's with the system that uses romo aros as "proof" that aro people are worthy of respect— because we shouldn't need proof that we're worthy of respect. We are people, regardless of how romantically inclined we are or aren't, and we belong here.

It's not with any individual person who, through their informed individual choices, has more proximity to romantic/sexual culture than me. It's with the way that some of us having those preferences is taken as proof that all of us are able or willing to conform.

I will defend to the death the right of any aspec person to make what they've decided are the right choices for themselves in their personal relationship with romance and sexuality. I will always stand against a system that elevates those who are willing to participate in those things over those who are not.

So if it wasn't clear: sex, kink, and romance favorable people are welcome here. But any attitude that views those preferences as more respectable, acceptable, transgressive, or "cool" than averse/repulsed perspectives will always be called out as the disgustingly aphobic bullshit that it is.

I care so much about all of us. I want us all to be free.

[unpopularfanopinion]

So recently I came across and anti-shipper who apparently really dislikes when anti-shipping and anti-shippers are compared to conservatives and purity culture, and wrote a rant about it. They cowardly have replies and reblogs turned off but I still wanted to respond.  I won’t tag them and don’t know if they’ll see this(but I hope they do)

<i> Antiship is not the same as being a puritan/supporting purity culture. Puritans are conservative Christians who shame people for having sex before marriage and tells Queer people, polyamorus people, and people who are in open relationships that they're "sinful" and need to go to hell.</i>

Purity culture as practiced by the American Evangelical Christians is at it’s core a patriarchal and misogynistic means of control and repression, especially of women.  It teaches that sex and sexuality is an inherently sinful and harmful aspect of human nature and must be repressed.  It also teaches women that THEY are responsible for the sexual misdeeds of the men around them. If they are assaulted it’s their fault because they were immodest and drove their attackers into lust. This behavior is mirrored by anti-shippers when they go after ships(that the anti-shippers do not like) and claim that the mere existence of these ships will cause people to commit sexual assault and abuse and it’s the fault of the shippers(not the abusers who are just easily mis-led babies and not responsible for their own actions I guess)  This is one reason why people compare anti-shippers to puritans and purity culture. Because they share the idea that sex, and expressions of sexuality= evil/sinful/harmful and therefor needs to be controlled and police.

<i> When proshippers call antis puritans, they're also being aphobic to the antis that identify as Asexual/Acespec, Aromantic/Arospec, and aroace/aroacespec. Being Ace/Aro is not the same as being a puritan and doesn't mean the hatred of sex/romance. Ace/Aro people don't go out of their way to harass Allos for being openly sexual. We honestly don't care what Allos do with their sex lives. Also there are Ace/Aro people who are sex favored and do have sex.</i>

As a member of the Aro/Ace community you can fuck all the way off with this and you can just keep fucking off. You are correct that being Aro/Ace doesn’t mean being sex-repulsed and sex-negative or being a puritan. Being aro/ace is not related to being anti-ship in anyway shape or form. But if someone is trying to use their asexuality as an excuse or reason to harass shippers and tell them not to write erotica or express their sexuality, claiming that it is somehow inherently harmful or offensive the asexual person is in the wrong and are engaging in one aspect of purity culture. Specifically the part about attempting to control and police other people’s sexual expression.

Also out of curiosity are you familiar with the Aro/Ace micro-identity of aesgosexuality? Here’s some info on it as I don’t want to go into detail here https://gayety.co/what-does-aegosexual-mean Unsurprisingly quite a few aegosexuals are involved in and enjoy shipping and consuming erotic fic.  Tell me what would you call it when people call members of the Aro/Ace community pedophiles and groomers because of the ships they like?

<i> Another thing to point out that proshipper love calling antis conservatives even though conservatives are more likely to say the same things proshippers say. And conservatives will harass anyone that says something they don't agree with like proshippers do. These people need to learn not to harass people and just block anyone that doesn't agree with them. Because why call yourself anti harassment when you're actively harassing anyone that disagrees with you. </i>

And this word salad is a very poor attempt at DARVO.  Could you try to include any examples? Because I have never once seen pro-shippers say anything close to what conservatives say. But right now I can very easily point to examples of anti-shippers calling ships that have nothing to do with incest, pedophilia or grooming, as incest, pedophilia, and grooming.(ie. child-hood friends to lovers is incest, height difference between two adult characters is pedo, autistic characters are minor coded and any ship with them is pedo)  If you’ve been paying attention to the news you might notice how this compares with conservatives recent insane culture wars at labeling anything LGBTQ or gender non-conforming as pedophilia, and grooming. Again we see anti-shippers mirroring conservative behavior by labeling anything they don’t like as pedophilia and a danger to children.

Also when you claim pro-shippers “harass anyone who disgrees with them” do you mean, an anti-shipper says something mean, stupid, and posibly slightly bigoted in a public space and get mocked, rebutted ad shouted down for it? Or someone an anti-shipper has targeted for harassment doesn’t fold and actually fights back? Do you not see how that is similar to when conservative bullies say something bigoted, face consequences for it, and then go whining about the “woke” mob canceling them?

Conservatives and anti-shippers both share a mindset where they center their sense of morality and ethics one themselves and their own personal feelings of disgust.  If they feel disgust at something, then whether or not it’s actually harmful to anything, it’s evil and wrong and needs to be policed or eradicated.  They lack the ability to just left other people just enjoy their own interests and live their own lives in a way that’s different than them

If you don’t like being hit with the puritan, purity culture or conservative label then maybe you should take some time to learn about the impacts of purity culture beyond the very superficial understanding you display here. Learn about sex-positivity and sexual fantasies. And maybe stop regurgitating various right-wing talking points and behaviors while pretending to be progresses

[knifearo]

bro amatonormativity and relationship anarchy needs to be like common knowledge for shippers because I literally got like drawn and quartered for critiquing people for shipping a certain ship romantically when it was closer to a qpr. lemme tell u. i awoke some DEMONS. and the responses I got were allos but also OTHER aromantic/aroace people telling me I was 1: making a qpr romance-lite. or. 2: them just saying "oh but.. they had a kid! they said I love you." like HUH

MAN. fandom culture is kind of uniquely intolerable for all the focus on shipping and for all the ways that people invent to get people together they never seem to get around to anything aspec... genuinely you cannot win. if you're romance-repulsed you're inundated with it and if you're romance-favorable you get erased and if you're just trying to aro-fy it you get yelled at by everyone... i stand with you i hear your struggle 🫡

that's so wild though. i will personally say that i have not particularly liked the way that qprs have been framed/discussed in the popular conversations around relationships because of the way that it's usually presented as "you can have a romantic relationship OR a qpr!" which is what i think is people presenting them as romance-lite (the aspec alternative to a romantic relationship rather than something entirely different that exists outside of those frameworks). saying that a romantic relationship should be/is a qpr is. not that. i feel like a lot of this results from the fact that other people's understanding of our community's terms is so limited, so every conversation we have for allo benefit is baby's first relationship anarchy, and then well-meaning aro people jump into conversations with an understanding that's borne from a very basic set of concepts and definitions that isn't equipped to engage with more complex conversations. which isn't their fault really but. imagine a beautiful world where we all actually knew what a qpr was...

anyway i think we have to start eating people. and then we can have the real actual cool conversations about relationships and the different ways in which they appear without people popping up to add unhelpful and uninformed comments </3

[aroaceconfessions]

I grew up in a religious Christian household that wasn't like, rampant with purity culture but definitely had a lot of notes of it (not allowed to sleep in the same bed as my friends as a kid, subtly socially rewarded (with parental approval or satisfaction) for disgust or disinterest with sex and romance, etc.).... so it was no surprise really that I never really felt like amatonormativity was forced onto me. My family was pretty proud of my orientation my whole life, I even felt almost rewarded for being aroace.

and.... the thing is, it kind of felt disgusting. like I'm being praised for an identity that I can't help. it felt like I have to be this way to keep their respect, like there's a Right Way to be. and i know that "oh I was treated too well by my parents for my queer identity" is a really shallow complaint especially next to the prejudice I see my fellow aces and aros facing every day. but it still feels bad?

i just want to be ace and aro in peace, I don't want it to make me special or superior or "less gross" or "safer" or "more innocent". i just want it to be a trait that's mine. i wish they didn't see this thing that i can't help, that i didn't choose, as like some kind of honorable celibacy thing. it's not that i dislike being aroace, i love being aroace! it's just.... the feeling that there's a "right" sexuality or orientation is...really gross for some reason, even if it technically favors me.

it's like....it feels like being told "it's a good thing you were born with thick beautiful hair, you should be super proud of how curly it is, if you had straight hair or started balding that would be disgusting" or something? like..... i dunno. i don't want to be in some kind of sexuality-measuring contest even if I'm technically winning by default. i don't want to win i just want to be me. i want to be valued the same as allosexuals and alloromantics. i just want people to see that we're all just people.

[aro-culture-is]

romance favorable aro culture is (can be) LOVING romance snd ADORING reading and watching and writing but Absolutely Not For Me. just for blorbo. only Them.

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[boydykedevo]

I consider myself a romance-favorable aro(-spec) but sometimes y’all really use ur romance favorability to shut down like. Any convos about amatonormativity period. Like I’m sorry but “romance negativity” is not a thing in the same way sex negativity is. There’s no deep problem in our culture being exacerbated by aros bitching about Valentine’s Day, and if it makes you feel bad that’s your problem. Romance negativity is based actually.

[dyketubbo]

i hate when allos in fandom or even romo favorable aros in fandom act as if being romance repulsed is this fucking boogeyman 😭😭 its not that deep you fucking assholes we're just repulsed. we just dont want to see it. no its not just about the shipping culture fiction doesnt automatically become exempt to repulsion for everyone. disliking something doesnt automatically mean seeing it as morally reprehensible. say you dont actually gaf about aros without saying you dont actually gaf because goddamn.

yes i would like to opt out of shipping in 90% of cases. because its not for me. the same way theres some people who never want to engage with horror or with stories that, idk, has bugs in it. i dont look down upon people who like romance in stories but in most cases its just a fucking slog and i dont like how most people do it. it doesnt make me fucking big foot. youre an ass. youre just being an asshole

[demiaroacejadeharley]

Trigger Warning: mentions of religious abuse/trauma, SA, rape, sult shaming, whorephobia, queerphobia, sexual activities

If you're a minor, please be warned that there are 18+ topics addressed in this post.

If you're a proshipper, please do not interact with me. Any asks from proshippers will be deleted. Any DMs from proshippers will be deleted and will be blocked. Any proshipper who screenshots this post and/or makes a post tagging me in it will be blocked.

I'm honestly tired of seeing proshippers calling antis (or anyone in general) purists or puritians for saying that they don't support abusive and problematic ships. Being an antishipper is not purity culture.

Purity culture was created by conservative Christians as a way by asserting dominates over marginalized people and non-Christian people.

Antis are not going after random Queer people and non-Christians by telling them that they're going to hell if they don't conform to heteronormitivity (idk if I spelled that right) and convert to the Christian faith. There are many antis that are Queer, as well as antis who are victims of religious abuse and have been abused by someone within the church. Telling antis that they're purists for saying that abusive ships are bad is queerphobic and insensitive and triggering to the antis who've experienced religious abuse.

Antis aren't going up to random women who are wearing revealing clothing and telling them that they need to start dressing modestly or else they'll be sexually assaulted, raped, or murdered by men. Antis are also not telling women in the sex work industry that they need to stop being a sex worker, or else they're just sluts and whores and they'll never be able to find someone that won't sexually abuse them.

Antis are not the ones telling people that having premarital sex and masterbation is a sin, and they must wait until marriage to have sex or abstain from any sexual activities, or else they'll be considered sinful and dirty.

Proshippers are also being aphobic when they call antis puritans as Asexual/Acespec, Aromantic/Arospec, and aroace antis exists. Ace and Aro people have been called puritans by Allos for simply experiencing little to no sexual/romantic attraction. But yet Allos will fake claim an Ace/Aro person's queerness if they experience any sort of sexual/romantic attraction.

Before I get any proshitters telling me that I'm a puritan (which will probably happen as proshippers don't know how not to harass anyone who disagrees with their gross ass ships), I'm a sex favored, romance favored, kinky aroace person with high libido who had premarital sex and masterbates frequently and reads non-problematic smutty character x reader fanfics and is a (beginner) Pagan Witch and a Satanist. So calling me a Puritan will have no effect on me as I've done things that are completely opposite of being a puritan.

So the next time you call any anti a puritan for simply say that abusive, pedophilia, and incest is bad, realize that you're telling Queer antis, religious abuse victim antis, and non-Christian antis that they deserve to go hell. You're also telling women, AFAB, and femme-aligned antis that they need to dress in a way that their bodies are fully covered or else they'll be SA'ed by men and saying that they're whores and sluts if they partake in any form of sex work.

So please, look up the real definition of what a Puritan is before you throw a Temper tantrum at antis.

[moved-to-piersgender]

Spicy take time-

I've given up on being romance negative for Lent /hj because romance-favorable aros exist and deserve to be happy and proud too but...being romance negative and being sex negative aren't equivalent character flaws. Cultural Christianity has given everyone it affects this massive brain rot about sex where it's something everyone is supposed to want, but hate themselves for wanting and shun and ban from the public sphere and discussions of human life as much as possible.

But there's no real equivalent negative social trend in regards to romance. It's still put on a pedestal as the one way to be, the thing that makes us human, the only way to live a happy life and something you're supposed to instinctually understand and cherish even by people who really should know better and about what damage pushing society's one conformist model of a happy life onto others can do.

So yeah, both bad I know, but one directly feeds into societal bigotry in a way that the other doesn't really?

[romance-repulsed-culture-is]

Romance repulsed culture is struggling to even connect with your aro firends because they are romance favorable/ hopeless romantics. (No shade I love my friends but I just wish I could like... Not feel left out of the conversation when it inevitably turns to shipping 😭)

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