#s4 sadness pain suffering even

[quitealotofsodapop]

[Once Mac learned that Wukong got possessed trying to take down LBD, the shadow monkey almost 99% decided that he wasn't going to lose his King to that bony biotch. And depeneding on how messy the Samadhi Fire ritual goes, the last thing Wukong says to Macaque is along the lines of "You ruined everything!", and Macaque doesn't want those to be the last words he hears his King say…] + [And soon Macaque started to remember how much him and Wukong discussed Having a family once the war on heaven was over, and how much they both wanted to be parents…]

he spent this whole time trying to put the... whole thing with Wukong on hold until he was free from LBD's control. keyword being trying, ofc. things don't really work like that when you're tasked with hunting the other monkey in question and his friends down, so he accidently made things worse and know he's trying to reign everything back in long enough to have even a chance to fix it.

[Its also around the time Macaque really has it sink in that; "Oh sh-t. I attacked the Monk and fought Wukong when he was pregnant. No wonder he killed me." He isn't sure how to build himself up to discussing this fact with Wukong yet, but he'll get there.]

it's probably something he decides to bring up shortly after the whole s4 debacle. Between the fight from right before ep 1 to the world almost ending again, he doesn't want to risk his death potentially being another surprise argument that gets out of hand or risk another world ending event getting in the way of any substantial healing again. he knows disagreements are normal and even healthy in any kind of relationship, lest the relationship be codependent, but he'd rather not fight about that.

[Red's hair is ruined with baby monkey drool by the time someone gets Yuebei off of him.] + [Nezha, angry flames flaring up: "You mean to tell me that you were "with Stone Egg" during the ritual to separate the Samadhi Fire!? She could have suffered the same fate as Ao Lie!" Wukong, guilt-ridden: "Yeah. Don't remind me. She kicked me non-stop for days afterwards."] + [Yuebei: *tries grabbing Nezha's skates to test the "spicyness"*]

Wukong is laughing at Red the whole time.

Ne Zha def feels a bit guilty about his first reaction being to bring up Ao Lie's death, probably knowing how Wukong feels about it.

and aww no, no I'm picturing Wukong so in pain from Yuebei's distress that he's basically bedridden. I imagine he'd spend this time resting with Ao Lie until they both recovered (atleast on the surface) while the other pilgrims fuss over both of them.

Ne zha can only squawk indignantly when Yuebei manages to get her mouth around one of his rings, immediately trying to pry it from her little jaws. with him and Wukong combined it takes 10 minutes and the promise of a lot of fruit to get her off. luckily the rings aren't perpetually on fire.

[And the dragon's last words to assure his friend that he never blamed him for the accident, nor his baby. Ao Lie was just sad that he'd never be able to meet the cub in this lifetime. He just wants Wukong to stop being so hard on himself for it. If only the dragon he tell him that in person.]

Scroll of memory! Ao Lie already broke the mold by interacting with Mei, he breaks it again when MK + Macaque are scroll diving for Wukong by telling him to pass on the message to the king that his stance on the matter hasn't changed.

[He def makes an awkward apology once they run into eachother at the start of S3. He refuses to let Wukong get into danger or exert himself tho - Nezha's a momma's boy at heart after all.]

Wukong insists it's fine, and that Ne Zha couldn't have known that he kept it from basically everyone, but Ne Zha still feels bad about everything regarding the ritual. he intends to make up for it by doing whatever he can to protect Wukong and his little one now (even if Wukong insists its not nessecary)

[Spider Queen hears the sounds of a thousand knuckles cracking and realises that she's looking at the person who might as well be the Monkey King's Mama. SQ ain't even mad by the end of it.] + [And although SQ kinda trusts the demon a little more, she's far more hesistant to step on the Monkey King's toes than before if his Mama's gonna respond. SQ is a lot more scheming for the rest of S2.]

I love the mental image of Guan Yin using their hundred hands to aid in their righteous beat down

Spoder Queen knows she kinda deserved this, she did put a heavily pregnant person who is practically made of magic in a magic draining web. she was basically asking for this.

she will take this loss with the dignity and grace of the queen (believes she) is and not bother Wukong again (yet) she promises- please don't punch her again.

[LBD almost in the same fashion it tried absorbing the Samadhi Fire so many years ago - guess his baby found the ancient demoness "less spicy".] + [BTW I love the art you did for this scene!! Stone Egg had enough of LBD's nonsense and was Hangry, and Bama had spoken some sense into Baba, and now Nom NOM NOMNOM.]

she is very icy!

and I'm glad you like the art!

[Oh gosh Macaque realising that the baby looking like him brings Wukong joy too would make him cry even harder. He almost cost his mate everything by risking the world over his own debt to the Bone demon. Mac would gladly have died all over again if it kept the baby safe.]

Macaque is an inconsolable sobbing mess of emotions for a while after first meeting Yuebei, for a lot of reasons. and imagine how hard he cries when Wukong first names her out loud officially calling her "Sun Yuebei Xing" for the first time, Yuebei being a moon inspired/adjacent name. he's practically wailing at one point.

[She plants a big kiss on Yuebei's forehead, forgetting that her lipstick stains. Her husband chuckles, still teary-eyed, at his wife's embarassment at planting a big kiss mark on the baby's head.] + [MK is having unknown instinctual urge to curl up with Yuebei (his honorary sister) next to the other monkeys. Pigsy laughs that MK did the same with his fave plushie for years.]

Wukong laughs at the befuddled chirp Yuebei makes when PIF kisses her.

he would also very much welcome MK into his nest with his sleepy little family.

[Also, Mac is def the kinda guy to use exaggerated versions of the Brotherhood's voices when narrating villain characters in Yuebei's books. The little raspberry noises (or "Boos" as Mac likens them to) she makes at the voices encourages him even further.]

I love this. He so would. Wukong would be laughing his tail off the first time he hears Macaque voicing a villain with an over exaggerated Peng voice, Wukong actively encourages him to do this as well.

[And considering Yellowtusk is the only one with the sense to feed and bathe the hostage infant, he's not surprised when she turns on Azure and Peng specifically.]

I'm now thinking of a scene where yellowtusk manages to get Yuebei away from the others long enough to give her bath, and she's fussy about it but baths with her Baba and Bama in the mountains hot springs were usually fun and calm and she felt better afterwards so she didn't put up much of a fight when Yellowtusk tried to get her into the water. anything that reminded her of her parents is comforting right now. but she's crying the whole time and chirping for her parents as she's very far from home and with no one she recognizes, but this elephant is giving her fruit and cleaning her as best he can, so maybe he's okay? she ends up clinging to his trunk like how'd she would cling around her parents neck, and thats how he got his sore trunk during Yuebei's "tantrum". it wasn't her getting mad at him the same way she got mad at Azure and Peng, she was just scared and clung to the first person she felt was safe with, her uncontrolled baby strength leaving it's mark despite him being the only one she didn't really feel threatened by.

kinda sad note on Yuebe missing her parents, but I feel like she'd have seperation anxiety after the s4 debacle. she needs at least one of her parents in the room with her at all times when she's awake or she's wailing at the top of her lungs.

[Some of Peng's feathers are stolen too (Yuebei had a mouthful of them) and Macaque and Sandy turned the feathers into a cat toy. Mo and Yuebei both adore it.]

this is amazing Macaque would so let Yuebei keep a "trophy" of her victory over Peng in the form of a baby appropriate toy. he also is def never letting Peng live down that they lost to a baby if they ever meet face to face again. hell, they day he got Yuebei back he was ragging on Peng for their loss before the bird could even be peeled off the ground

Sequel to this Slow Boiled au post.

[he spent this whole time trying to put the... whole thing with Wukong on hold until he was free from LBD's control. keyword being trying, ofc.]

Yeah, Macaque is having a not-so-fun time trying to get used to being alive again, being still in love with his former mate (who killed him), having his soul indebted to a omnicidal Bone Demon, his former mate having a baby etc...

After finding out about MK and the Stone Egg; Mac was sorta half-hoping that he could duck LBD enough to slowly absorb the whole Wukong situation, maybe meet up with some old allies, get some answers, that sort of thing. The Mayor kidnapping him really threw those plans out the window.

[it's probably something he decides to bring up shortly after the whole s4 debacle. Between the fight from right before ep 1 to the world almost ending again, he doesn't want to risk his death potentially being another surprise argument that gets out of hand or risk another world ending event getting in the way of any substantial healing again.]

It's def a super awkward thing to approach, especially with Yuebi literally just being born and stuff.

Wukong now knows that Mac knows, and is super guilty for not having told him back then. At the same time, Wukong is confused why Max seems so... ok with it suddenly??? Like;

Wukong: "Dude, I killed you." Mac: "Yeah, and I attacked you while you were carrying a baby. Lets call it even." Wukong: "You didn't *know* at the time!" Mac: "Don't matter. Lets just drop it ok?"

Mac does have his own super complex issues regarding the whole "being killed by your former mate"-thing, but in his mind - he really could have killed Wukong and Yuebei if he hadn't been careful. He also knows that in his heart-of-hearts, he wouldn't have even considered fighting Wukong had he known about the Stone Egg ahead of time. He ultimately doesnt want to open up any old wounds Wukong has from the incident since he's been living with the outcome of that fight far longer than Mac has.

Bumping around Wukong's memories in S4 really dredges Mac's buried resentment and confusion about the last fight to the surface. Questions like; Why was Wukong protecting the monk that hurt him? Why was Wukong going on this Journey and not returning to his throne? Why did he hide the Stone Egg from the world?

MK is politely trying his best to let Mac vent to him about what happened between him and Wukong, but ofc they quickly stumble into MK's shared history with the Monkey King.

Lots of hugs, peaches, and family counselling is required afterwards, not doubts about that.

[and aww no, no I'm picturing Wukong so in pain from Yuebei's distress that he's basically bedridden. I imagine he'd spend this time resting with Ao Lie until they both recovered (atleast on the surface) while the other pilgrims fuss over both of them.]

Ao Lie and Wukong are quickly panicking over eachother while their other bros are forcing them to rest after the Samadhi Fire Ritual. Wukong was in so much pain that he was convinced that he was going into labor, or that he even lost Yuebei as a result of joining in the Ritual. Eventually though, the Stone Egg calmed down. Ao Lie's pain did not.

[Ne zha can only squawk indignantly when Yuebei manages to get her mouth around one of his rings, immediately trying to pry it from her little jaws. with him and Wukong combined it takes 10 minutes and the promise of a lot of fruit to get her off. luckily the rings aren't perpetually on fire.]

Yuebei mistook the rings as chew toys and liked the shiny gold colour. It takes Nezha a solid minute of apologizing to Wukong for his past behavior to notice that the little monkey cub has clamped her mouth over one of his skates. Wukong is laughing hysterically, especially as Nezha tries his best to gently remove the ring from Yuebei's mouth without activating it. Luckily all it takes to distract the baby is for Experienced Dad™ Pigsy to pull the oldest trick in the book.

Pigsy: "Got your nose, mooncake!" Yuebei, drops ring: :O! Nezha, quickly picks it up: "How did you know to do that?" Pigsy, still holding Yuebei's "nose" as the baby grabs at him: "You'd swear MK was half-garbage disposal from how much stuff he tried to eat as a toddler. Stealing his nose always worked." Wukong, a little wistful: "Tell me more, please?" Pigsy: "Sure thing. Guess little monkeys aren't much different from little MKs." *gives Yuebei her nose back*

Nezha makes note of hiding anything flammable whenever he visits the monkeys.

[Scroll of memory! Ao Lie already broke the mold by interacting with Mei, he breaks it again when MK + Macaque are scroll diving for Wukong by telling him to pass on the message to the king that his stance on the matter hasn't changed.]

Oh gosh... Imagine this though... Wukong trapped in the Scroll, busting on through his memories. Suddenly he hears a familar voice...

Ao Lie: "Wow! She really did make us all wait, huh?" Wukong, frozen in his tracks: "What?" Wukong: (*slowly turns to see the memory of Ao Lie, far older/frailer than what Mei had seen, standing by and watching the memory of Yuebei's first day of life.*) Memory!Ao Lie, smiling: "She's a perfect little pup... Mei was right on the money when she called her a ball of cuteness! She really looks like you! The blue eyes are a little unexpected, but considering that your mate dragged himself out of Diyu to be there - I guess anything could have happened!" Wukong, lip quivering: "No... you're just that memory curse. Ao Lie never got to see her! You're not real!" Memory!Ao Lie, frowning: "Why are you so stubborn to admit that it wasn't your fault? I really truly never blamed you, or her." Wukong, crying: "Why were you so ok with it? Because of me, the Samadhi Fire it... hurt you." Memory!Ao Lie: "I would rather die protecting my family than live and let them be hurt in my stead." (*quietly moves to hug Wukong*) "That includes you and your pup, Wukong. Always has." Wukong: (*now sobbing, hugging Memory!Ao Lie tight*)

Eventually the Memory!Ao Lie has to remind Wukong that he has friends to reunite with in the present. Wukong hesistates to leave Ao Lie alone again - the memory reassures him that he'll be fine as long as his pilgrim brother lives his life without the weight of the Ritual upon his shoulders. And to make sure to spoil Yuebei in his stead.

[Wukong insists it's fine, and that Ne Zha couldn't have known that he kept it from basically everyone, but Ne Zha still feels bad about everything regarding the ritual. he intends to make up for it by doing whatever he can to protect Wukong and his little one now (even if Wukong insists its not nessecary)]

Ofc Nezha feels like garbage for treating Wukong's actions during the Ritual as a failing.

Wukong thinks he has it bad with DBK, PIF, and Pigsy forcing him to rest? Imagine how stubborn Nezha is when he's worried over the Monkey King.

[I love the mental image of Guan Yin using their hundred hands to aid in their righteous beat down] + [she will take this loss with the dignity and grace of the queen (believes she) is and not bother Wukong again (yet) she promises- please don't punch her again.]

Spider Queen isn't sure who she's afraid of more; the spooky ancient bone demon pretending to be a little girl, or the 1000 Armed Bodhisattva that just whooped her hard (but mercifully let her live) for hooking the Monkey King to the power-draining Spider Mech. Spider Queen makes sure not to directly target or interact with the Monkey King or his protege if she can for the rest of S2.

The Spider Gang has nightmares of Guanyin coming to beat the rest of them up like she's a Jojo stand.

[she is very icy! and I'm glad you like the art!]

It's really great art!!

Also LBD's soul probably tasted like shaved ice with a hint of chalk. Lots of it, but pretty bland. It filled up Yuebei at least!

[Macaque is an inconsolable sobbing mess of emotions for a while after first meeting Yuebei, for a lot of reasons. and imagine how hard he cries when Wukong first names her out loud officially calling her "Sun Yuebei Xing" for the first time, Yuebei being a moon inspired/adjacent name. he's practically wailing at one point.]

Aww ohoho! Macaque makes so many joyous squeaking/hooting sounds during Yuebei's arrival. To hear that Wukong has named her his little "Moon Comet Star" just makes him cry harder, especially with how casually Wukong names her. Like he'd had it it long before this moment, before he even knew that Macaque was back in his life.

I think in older Chinese traditions, the parents typically wait for the Man Yue (30 Days) celebration to publically announce the baby's name. But I bet Wukong is just so happy that he tells everyone Yuebei's name long before that time.

Nezha insisted on being at Yuebei's Man Yue to bless her, as that's his whole Patron God of Children thing.

[Wukong laughs at the befuddled chirp Yuebei makes when PIF kisses her. he would also very much welcome MK into his nest with his sleepy little family.]

There's def a bunch of photos of the incident with Yuebei looking at PIF with the most confused doe-eyed look ever, a huge red kiss mark on her head. The Princess looking embarassed and adoring all at once. It's PIF anf DBK's fave baby photo of Yuebei - besides the one where she tried eating Red Son's hair.

MK is very tired after the battle, so the gang has no problem just letting the kid rest in the nest with the monkeys. t

[I love this. He so would. Wukong would be laughing his tail off the first time he hears Macaque voicing a villain with an over exaggerated Peng voice, Wukong actively encourages him to do this as well.]

Heehee, Macaque finally agrees to read Yuebei a kids-friendly version of JTTW at MK's insistence, and when he gets to Camel Ridge, he pauses before looking towards Wukong for confirmation. At Wukong's excited nod, Macaque grins evily.

Macaque, narrating: "In the kingdom of Lion Camel Ridge, there lived three Great Demon Kings." Macaque, exaggerating the real voices: "Azure Lion! Yellow Tusked Elephant! And the Golden-Winged Peng!" Yuebei: *blows raspberry at the villains!* >:P! Macaque, normal voice: "Yeah, boo! These guys sucked!" Wukong: *laughing hysterically!* MK, sitting cross-legged on the floor: "Did they really sound like that?" Wukong, trying hard not to cry from laughter: "It's closer than you think!"

Macaque also deliberately exaggerates the voices of their allies like PIF and DBK so Yuebei doesn't accidentally associate their voices with the muddy past shown in the book.

[I'm now thinking of a scene where yellowtusk manages to get Yuebei away from the others long enough to give her bath, and she's fussy about it but baths with her Baba and Bama in the mountains hot springs were usually fun and calm and she felt better afterwards so she didn't put up much of a fight when Yellowtusk tried to get her into the water. anything that reminded her of her parents is comforting right now. but she's crying the whole time and chirping for her parents as she's very far from home and with no one she recognizes, but this elephant is giving her fruit and cleaning her as best he can, so maybe he's okay? she ends up clinging to his trunk like how'd she would cling around her parents neck, and thats how he got his sore trunk during Yuebei's "tantrum".]

Awwww..... :(

Yellow Tusk brings up the matter shortly after their takeover. Their former ally's cub is very fussy (especially since Azure has had her for about half a day now) and is starting to smell... ripe. Peng takes one sniff and recoils in disgust. Azure is clueless and isn't sure if monkey cubs work like lion cubs or not. Yellow Tusk has the sense to ask the remaining servants for help with tending to the infant - a group of seven brave orchard maidens stepped forward to run the baby a bath and prepare her a meal. Yellow Tusk is sure that he recognises them.

Baby monkeys instinctively cling to whatever is nearby - especially in situations where they feel scared or unsafe. So when the elephant gently put Yuebei in the warm bathwater and offered her mashed fruit, she instinctively clasped around his trunk like it was the arm of her parents, making sad hooing sounds as she sucked on her fingers. Yellow Tusk felt his heart break at the sight. He simply cannot fathom harming her in any sense of the word.

Azure must be mad to think that Sun Wukong won't kill them all to ensure this child's safety.

[kinda sad note on Yuebe missing her parents, but I feel like she'd have seperation anxiety after the s4 debacle. she needs at least one of her parents in the room with her at all times when she's awake or she's wailing at the top of her lungs.]

Absolutely.

Baby monkeys are already super clingy - the trauma of Yuebei's kidnapping during S4 only intensified this. She fears that if either of her parents leave the room, that they might not come back. Considering it was her parents arguing and "something" (aka the Scroll) taking her Baba away preceeded her kidnapping...

The first few times it happens, Wukong and Mac + the extended fam are terrified and aren't sure *why* Yuebei is so distressed. Eventually they figure out it's her anxiety, and are able to at least keep a clone posted to ease the worst of her worries when the others babysit. MK thankfully is one of the figures that Yuebei is calm around, and while she loves her uncles and aunts; Yuebei still starts wailing after a few minutes of realizing that she can't find her Baba or Bama.

It takes a long time for the baby monkey to be comfortable to not have her parents in sight. And considering how worried and overprotective that Wukong and Mac can be of her, they aren't in any rush to force her independance.

[this is amazing Macaque would so let Yuebei keep a "trophy" of her victory over Peng in the form of a baby appropriate toy. he also is def never letting Peng live down that they lost to a baby if they ever meet face to face again. hell, they day he got Yuebei back he was ragging on Peng for their loss before the bird could even be peeled off the ground]

Imagine the smug look on Macaque's face as he sees Peng reduced to a chicken burger on the ground by a *baby* with not even a tooth in her head. Mac would make a show of picking up his baby girl and kissing her all over while commenting in baby-talk; "Did you have fun with the birdy and kitty, moonlight? Yeah? Do you want Bama to take something to remember your little play date?"

And before Peng could make a snarking comment, they squawk! at the feeling of feathers being removed. They look up and see Yuebei playing with a handful of golden feathers. The Shadow Monkey grinning like a cat who's caught a mouse. The celestial bird faints from embarassment.

Macaque has one of the feathers preserved as a bookmark. It brings him great joy.

Again tysm for being so invested in this au!

[moonspirit]

Hello congrats on your new chapter.

My mind has been off thinking again about sad attack on titan head cannons and I thought I’ll share and get your opinion on it.

So I don’t know about u but I imagine that shifting is painful. Extremely painful.

This obviously is a source for lots of angst, like the people they made into pure titans, so many people who were forced to endure extreme pain during their last award moments.

But what really makes me sad is the kids, the kids turned into pure titans either to be a warrior or just as a cruel punishment. Possibly being tied down as they naturally scream and squirm in fear and pain.

We know that Annie was one of the younger candidates in her generation of warriors and if this followed would this have happened to her? It seems like such a fear filled event that even her “cold” mask will break revealing a raw and genuine state of fear.

If she was tied down, this added to the trama of the crystal how would it affect her? Also having to be held down as they test her regenerative abilities (which likely would have been retested again and again as the female Titan can gain abilities from other titans)

What about the other warriors how would it affect them? Do they all have a big fear of needles? If they need a vaccine or blood test how will they react?

Armin was unconscious so he likely wouldn’t have this issue or at least not to the same extent. How will he help Annie and the others though?

What about jean and Connie? How will they help if at all?

Anyway, I hope u enjoyed your break and welcome back ❤️ make sure u take care of yourself

Ahhhhh hello! I'm so sorry I sat on this for a while T^T i needed to think about it. Hope you don't mind~

This is somewhat related to an ask you sent in a while ago, yes but let's dive a bit deeper into the ✨body science✨ of it.

(this is all just me speculating based on aot lore)

Since the Hallucigenia attached itself to Ymir's spine when she first came in contact with it, that is where the power of the Titans lives, and we already knew this even before S4. The nape, then, is an extremely sensitive and vulnerable spot for titans and shifters alike, being the area in the body that carries shifting power. The other things we know about the Hallucigenia are that it can change its own size and shape, it can influence the size and structure of other things in its vicinity, and it is capable of acting on its own under threat when there is no host to protect it.

I'm going to go and headcanon, then, that the Marleyan military preferred to inject their warrior candidates with titan serum directly into the spine (as opposed to just the general area on back of the neck as we already know) to maximise the effects of shifter power once the inheritance ritual gets complete.

Spinal injections, that is, without anaesthetic.

This would've required tying down the warrior candidates because they, being extremely young children, would've been prone to immense terror and fear only made even worse by their harsh lives and brutal training regimens. Post-inheritance, once the military began to conduct their experiments on the warriors' regeneration abilities and specialized skills, it would only have been yet another set of nightmares to live through. So no doubt; needles, tourniquets, medical equipment and "tests" terrify the surviving warriors, even long after the Rumbling.

What I want to focus on specifically is the process of shifting in itself. Back to the Hallucigenia's abilities, I feel it could be possible that once the power of the Titans was imbued into a person, it would cause them to suffer physical pain for a week at the very minimum. The neck especially, would hurt like hell. Sometimes it hurts enough that the head cannot be lifted, pushed down into a deep bend for days together.

And we all know how much it sucks to have neck pain, don't we 🙃🥲 ?

The Hallucigenia then, stretching to accommodate to the specific warrior's height and build; sending body temperature soaring as it spreads through the bloodstream; shooting sharp daggers of pain into muscle and flesh in preparation to generate and connect large bodies of giants; tingling and burning beneath the surface of the skin while branching out into a million little fibrous tendrils for every nerve ending and synapse to facilitate seamless movement...

There you have it; the reason why shifting is so painful.

I really like this actually, because we so often see the shifters regenerating lost limbs and healing from serious wounds seemingly without much pain - but it turns out, shifting IS a hugely painful experience, both in the beginning and every time afterwards.

I see every warrior having to suffer through this experience, and it affecting them badly for the rest of their lives to come. At such a young age when children usually look toward older figures for some comfort from any kind of pain, here you have a bunch of kids being forced into enduring mind-numbing levels of pain with very little in the way of reassurance.

Following the hc that the warriors were injected directly into the spine, Armin is spared this particular degree of pain since he was injected elsewhere (we assume Levi injected him in the arm, the other common place to give the serum). But he would still suffer from the other pains of the shifting ability.

I think it's easy to forget that Jean and Connie did actually turn into titans for a brief amount of time; while I don't know if they would've experienced any pain seeing as it was the Hallucigenia's smoke that caused them to turn, but it's interesting to think about the pains they would experience Post-Rumbling, if any.

And ofc: there is the comforting to be received from each of the Ambassadors, to one another T//////T

Thank you so much for sending this in! I loved thinking about this and diving into some made up titan science!!!!

[lmk-headcannons]

MORE MK AND HUAMIN RAAAAAAAAHHHHH

THIS IS AN OLD FIC I WROTE OVER A YEAR AGO BUT I DON’T CARE!!! I AM CHUCKING IT AT YALL ANYWAY

HURT/COMFORT AHEAD!! SPOILERS FOR S4!!

The beach was lovely at night. There were beautiful, twinkling stars in the night sky, accompanied by the shining moon, casting a pretty glare on the ocean. But, even this lovely place could not heal the aching heart sitting on the sand.

Sitting on the shore of the beach, Huamin sighed to himself. His heart still ached, but it wasn’t for himself. It was for his beloved Xiaotian, and what he may face in the future. He knew MK’s mental state was still declining, he knew MK wouldn’t be able to take all of the pressure and trauma anymore, and yet all he could do was hold him and comfort him. Huamin couldn’t do anything to help MK but just be there for him, and it was killing him. He didn’t want MK to kill himself in the process of saving the world. He wanted to steal MK away to somewhere unknown and keep him safe, but that would be selfish and cruel to MK. Huamin gripped his chest tightly, gripping where his heart was, and let out a sob. He didn’t want MK to suffer.

Speaking of, MK went looking for Huamin as he had disappeared from the party. Growing worried, MK told Wukong and Pigsy that he was going to look for him. Pushing past some leaves and branches, MK reached the beach, spotting his lover. When he went to excitedly greet him, he stopped himself. Why was Huamin shaking? And… why was he crying? MK quickly but quietly sat next to him, his heart filled with worry.

“Min-Min?” Huamin jumped, snapping his head in the direction of his pet name. MK, the man he was crying over, the one he fell so hard for, was sitting next to him with a worried expression. Huamin looked at him with wide eyes, not expecting him to show up.

“Wh-Why are you h-here…?” Huamin choked out finally, his tail wrapping around himself. MK looked at him, confusion mixing with worry.

“Why are you crying?” MK countered, reaching out to him, taking Huamin’s cheek into his hand. He croaked out a soft purr, the frown still plastered on his face.

“It’s nothing,” He said, MK didn’t seem pleased with that answer so he took Huamin into his arms, startling the toque macaque.

“It’s clearly something, babe,” MK stated, “You’re all the way out here without anyone, crying and shaking like a leaf. Really, what’s wrong?”

Huamin stuffed his face into the crook of MK’s neck, breathing shakily. ‘He’s gonna think you’re stupid’, he thought to himself, but he took a shaky breath… and let it out.

“I-I’m so worried about you, MK. I’m so scared that one day you’re gonna finally snap and break in two from all the stress and pain everything has brought you. I’m scared that you’ll come home in a bodybag one day, and I can’t do anything about it. I can’t help you other that hold you, and that’s not enough. I-I know it’s dumb to be sad about this but-“

“It’s not dumb.”

Huamin’s ears twitched in response to MK’s lowered voice, his brow furrowing.

“Huh?”

“I said,” MK pulled him off and looked him in the eye, “it’s not dumb. You have every right to be worried. Your feelings are valid, Min.”

He took a deep breath, then continued, “I gotta be honest, I’m worried about all that, too. I mean, I was never the strongest mentally to begin with, and Mei can vouch! I am scared of dying while fighting, too. Dying is a scary concept, and dying by celestial god doesn’t seem too pleasant.

Either way, I want you to know your feelings are valid, but you can’t worry about me all the time. You’ll drive yourself insane doing that. I can’t allow you to do that to yourself. And about you not doing enough? Fuck that, you do plenty! You take care of me, you take care of my friends… I couldn’t have asked for a better boyfriend.”

Huamin sat there, staring at him, his face blushing ever so slightly. He really meant all that? Given his face at that moment, smiling and totally calm, he definitely did. Huamin chuckled, wiping his tears away.

“You really know how to make someone feel better, Xiaotian,” Huamin smiled back at him, “I love you so much.”

MK’s face erupted into a very deep red color, and he nervously chuckled. “I-I love you too!”

Under the brightly shining moon, the two lovers shared a tender kiss as the stars twinkled, a pleasant end to the night.

[angelmichelangelo]

between sainw and the last ronin i just get SO SAD picturing the brothers dying. their deaths STILL take my breath away like an actual gut punch and i tear up. like. i care about these turtles, this family SO MUCH and seeing bad things happen to them that can't be fixed will always break my heart

seeing the lows leo sunk to in s4 before getting help is so heartbreaking, the idea of how much worse he might get losing don and splinter (and casey, we never mentioned casey but he also died) and then feeling responsible for hurting mikey even if he saved his life... damn. is it even more painful to picture that he did go to japan, did try his best to fix himself with the ancient one, only for it to not matter in the end anyway because by the time he returned raph and mikey are so bitter towards him for leaving to begin with? even though deep down all three of them want to be a family again? except they will never be able to rekindle that because they fucking die on the floor trying to save the world?

it's just so so sad.

mikey feeling guilt over losing his arm because it led to the others leaving OUCH. OUCH OW OWIE. BABY BOY. COME HERE. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

the 2003 writers were WILD because how do you just write all of this trauma into a single episode and then never return to it. how do you never even dig into how donatello copes after the insanity he witnessed? sainw writers please come here i just want to talk ;___;

a miniseries would be soooo good. for now all we have is fanworks (amazing fanworks btw), but maybe someday! 2003 seems to be getting a lot of attention from official sources this year (two new toy sets, 2k3 don appearing in the saturday morning cartoon crossover issue, and the 2003 variant covers and comic in the anniversary issue) so that + the success of the last ronin... now would be the best time for them to return to sainw!!

UGH YES sainw and last ronin.. the tmnt writers do love making poor old man mikey suffer huh ;—; they say our resident comic relief character and went haha now what if we made him mega depressed…?

but yeah!! imagine when leo goes to japan! not only would raph be sore for missing him but he’d also lash out about it because he has all these emotions he doesn’t know how to regulate and maybe in turn him and mikey butt heads about it (kinda like they do in canon when mike has to yell raph to lay off leo because he knows something is up with him) and UGH it just makes tensions worse and everyone is hurting :((

and dude i know. the 2k3 writers will literally put the turtles (mainly don) through the most insane bat shit crazy horrors, have them breaking down and losing their minds and then by the next episode they’re like “well that was just silly :D” like GET SOME THERAPY I BEG OF YOU!!!

and yes yes!! it’s so so exciting to see the series finally FINALLY get its flowers after all these years.. one can only hope that a resurgence is enough to kickstart something like a miniseries or a comic.. but like you pointed out we have sososo much fan made material so either way im happy :] though boy would i love to hear 2k3 donnie’s voice again.. idk what it is but sam riegel’s voice scratches something in my brain lolol i just miss them (i like watched the show like yesterday)

[onstoryladders]

one of the things that make bylers and miIevens view of the show utterly incompatible is the way we see el and her feelings towards mike (but more specifically her feelings towards her relationship with mike)

ive seen people say that bylers only care abt mike and will and don't give a damn abt her, but that's just a misunderstanding based on the fact that they see els arc in a totally different way than we do

for example the way i see it, el reached the peak of her pain (when it comes to her love life) at the start of s4 when she and mike fought in lenora. when mike told will that it felt like a fight you can't come back from, he wasn't exaggerating at all: it was the truth. there's no coming back from that, and the "from el" written at the end of what could very possibly have been els LAST message to mike is proof of that. she left that love behind

now why do i think that?

because of the way the whole storyline has been structured:

- el spends basically the whole season away from mike because she chooses to. she focuses on something else, her priorities lie in finding herself and the truth about her own past. once again her arc points towards self discovery and independence, and with this i don't mean to say that she has to be alone in order to be independent, but that she needs to find who she is OUTSIDE of her relationships. when mike says that she's a superhero he's once again imposing a certain view on her that she doesn't want. she needs to decide for herself. she needs to find who el hopper really is

- mike works through his internal conflict with the help of the other love interest. literally wtf lmao

- when el reunites with mike and will, she has the same reaction with both. now of course shes happy to see them, but when we get to the surfer boy place, she doesn't seem mad at mike anymore. she seems tired, contemplative, sad like she reached a conclusion........

why is that important? because if mikes monologue had to be what FIXED their relationship then she would've still been mad at him at that point. there wouldve been conflict because that's how stories work – up and down and up and down. so she would've avoided him or just kept her distance in general. but she doesn't. because she's done

IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT if the surfer boy scene went differently. imagine mike just telling her "ily" and she smiling and saying "ily too 💖💖 you finally said it 💖💖💖💖" it wouldve been so fucking anticlimactic lol

- mikes monologue doesn't fix shit because we don't see them together anymore. like yeah she puts her head on his shoulder in the hospital, but if the monologue was really meant to be this grand turning point for their relationship they would've put more focus on its aftermath.... and they didn't

- mike telling her "you're my superhero" goes against the core of els character arc throughout not only this season but the whole show. mike didn't learn anything

now im not saying ppl have to agree with me on this, even though of course i think this is the interpretation that 1) makes the most sense and 2) is most significant and compelling storytelling-wise. im just saying that once you see things this way the "byler don't care about el" argument crumbles because that's literally false: we don't want el to suffer and be alone against her will, we want her to leave mike behind because we genuinely think that it's what's best for her because her storyline SUPPORTS THAT

meanwhile wills story doesnt support heartbreak at all because of the way his feelings for mike are interwoven with his feelings about his sexuality

[ashlingmizuoka]

I just finish S5 and why is this show so tragic !

Dean promising Sam to live a happy life with Lisa and keeping his promise. And during the final scene where Dean reassures Sam even as Sam beats him again and again... And when Sam regains control and sees the memories he shares with Dean flash before his eyes... The last memory showing Dean embracing Sam after bringing him back from the dead... "It's okay Dean, it's gonna be okay.", just before jumping!!

Why does this show enjoy making me suffer? Why does every season finale end with pain?? I will be running out of tears to shed.

And others things :

1. They actually made an episode with Supernatural cosplaying fans, with a couple dressed up as "Sam and Dean" :)

2. Jo and Ellen died... I really like them and I don't understand why we didn't see more episodes with these two.

3. I knew Dean and Sam shared a paradise but that they were actually soulmates? Oh god

4. Sam trusting Dean to say no to Michael/parallel with S4

5. I really like Castiel and Gabriel this season.

Honestly, if the series had ended like that, I wouldn't have recovered from it but I would have accepted it. But it's just so sad...

[luescris]

So thanks to @misteria247 and @endless-exhaustion I had to write this because. Old scars reopened. Again. Y e ah.

Anyway here 2012 s4 spoilers ahaha (in leo's pov because im sorry but im a 12!leo kinnie okay-)

It's not fair.

Not after everything we've done. Everything we sacrificed. So many times we tried, so many times we won. 

Only to fail. Again. And there was no way to fix it this time. 

There was no time traveling to save him. No questions on if he was still there or not. 

No. This time was permanent. The letters carved into the tombstone, staring back at us, making out a name that made my heart crumble a million times over solidifying this fact.

Our Father, for the third and last time, had been killed. Murdered by what was once a man, now turned monster in more than just appearences. 

Why did we have to suffer this three different times? What had we done--had he done--to deserve such unfair treatment? Before, in the late hours of the night of his death to early in the morning, these thoughts would make my blood boil. Rage poured through every sense, every thought, rage and a despair so great it felt as if I could tear down mountains and fight all of heaven itself. 

If it weren't for my younger three brothers. If it weren't for their shaking bodies pressed against mine and the sounds of their grief-filled sobs piercing through my own sorrow, I would have. But I had stayed. And now, all I felt was numb. 

It was as if there was a large rock sitting inside my chest, trying to constrict my breathing, and yet I breathed evenly. Staring down at the grave of my father. A grave that should not have been in front of me. The tears came on and off, as if my mind was unsure of what I was grieving for, or as if it hadn't caught up to me yet. Right now though, my eyes watered at the rims and corners, and as I exhaled slowly another tear slipped from the corner of my eye, the hurt returning with a vengeance, deepening the pit in my stomach. 

From my right came a soft, heart-broken sniffle, and the sound of it made me want to crumple all over again. My baby brother should not have to sound so sad. He was meant to be protected from things like this, even if we were trained to be ninjas. Even if we were trained to fight things others could not. Mikey was still too young, and we failed to shield him from this.

Correction. I failed to.

I failed to protect all of them. To protect my Father, despite swearing up and down that I would. That no harm would come to any of them. But again, and again, and again, I broke that promise. And this was the consequence. 

And being the oldest, the next in line… I was meant to be Sensei.

Fresh tears spilled from my eyes and I bowed my head, shutting them tight. 

I didn't want that. Not for another good couple years; I wasn't ready for this. He was taken away from us too swiftly too many times and yet somehow, I still had not thought he would leave for good. Leave me to.. To run it all. To watch and teach my brothers.

But how could I be expected to do that? How could I be, if all my leadership has done is bring us such pain like this? 

.. I at least hope that he knew I tried. I really, really tried. But my efforts were never enough. 

At least the rest of the funeral had left about an hour ago. All that was left now were my brothers, Casey and April. My feet had begun to ache from standing so still for so long, but I could care less. It didn't compare to the one in my heart. 

The sound of grass being crushed under footsteps approached to my left, and the corner of my eye caught a hint of yellow, indicating that it was April. For a moment, she stood at my side, then placed her hand on my forearm gently. I turned my head to meet her own watery, sorrow-filled eyes, and she held my gaze, sending a message without saying words.

Don't blame yourself. Not your fault. I am sorry. 

I blinked at her once, slowly, signifying I got what she meant. The corner of her mouth twitched in a slight smile that didn't last for even a second or reached her eyes, and then I watched as she turned and walked away, Casey Jones following behind her. He met my gaze for just a split second before turning quickly, hiding the red in his eyes. They walked up the dirt walkway leading to the porch of the farmhouse, and I turned back to stare at the grave again. 

In that moment, I had been able to catch glimpses of my two other brothers. Raph stood to my left a few feet from me, staring down at the ground hard, as if fighting with himself, tear tracks drying on his cheeks. Donnie was closer to me on the right, leaning against his boe staff and staring solemnly at the grave just as I had, about as still as a mountain. Neither of my brothers had made an attempt to acknowledge me, so I did the same. Just went right back to what I had been doing already.

A light breeze filled the silence between the four of us now, mask tails being whipped to the side to dance along. At some point, Mikey had walked up to the tombstone, placing a hand on the carved statue, closing his eyes and resting his head there. The smallest urge to do or say anything to try and cheer him up came and went just as fast. There was nothing that could make this better. No way to sugarcoat the situation.

It was what it was now.

And it wasn't fair. 

[crehador]

how are we halfway through the season again it’s true what they say time flies like the wind and fruit flies like bananas

anyway winter 2023 mid-season thoughts:

nier and uniteup aren’t quite at the halfway mark yet due to their hiatuses (which were thankfully short, looks like no one is getting fucked like isekai ojisan this season knock on wood)

no new thoughts on nier since 3-ep ruling since lol it’s still at its third episode, but finally coming back this week! hype

uniteup is still adorable, though i’m starting to notice more immersion-breaking moments of the voice actors just... really sounding like they’re reading off a script

which is honestly kind of cute to me? they’re all very new of course and it’ll be nice to see them grow and improve as they get more work (well... if they get more work)

technoroid is shocking still the better idol anime of the season, though as i suspected it does struggle a bit to hold the perfect balance between its idol plot and its human/android tensions plot. they did a really phenomenal job of striking this balance at first, but the idol stuff has fallen by the wayside a little imo

it’s like if you’re going to do both you’ll need to do both well enough to justify having both, which technoroid is... still more or less accomplishing! i do wish we had a bit more idol stuff, but i can’t imagine how they would be able to do that without making the other themes suffer, so i think overall they’re doing as well as they can

that’s only for new idol seasons though because idolish7 is back from hiatus hell and continues to be the best idol series, like, of all time basically

trigun stampede is... well... i can’t say i’ve completed come around to it. i don’t so much mind that there are changes, it was always billed as a re-imagining after all, but so many of the changes (most of them, in fact) just make no damn sense to me

i’m not even a manga purist or anything, like yeah that’s my favorite version of canon but i do also love the og anime a lot even in how it deviates from the manga (i even like the og anime ending! so i’m really not like grrr grrr nothing can change from the manga grrr it just... doesn’t feel like these stampede changes are reasonable)

stampede is of course a gorgeous show and i’m loving the visual feast, also gotta give props for the crybaby livio flashback scene because that was quite literally everything i could have wanted

SINS I STILL HAVE NOT AND WILL NEVER FORGIVE: MILLY ERASURE. AND THEY TURNED?? MY WIFE??? ELENDIRA??? INTO A CHILD FOR SOME REASON?????? WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT WTF

anyway i will continue to enjoy the visual feast and otherwise keep my expectations so low that they are buried in the ground, my only hope is please please please let legato be as unhinged about knives as he is in manga canon do NOT take this away from us gays we need it

fumetsu s2 is still good but ngl kinda losing me, i’m just sad enough already that i don’t really need this lol

blue lock is coming up on its first season ending, and no it hasn’t held the high quality of its earliest episodes, but i still personally find it to be an incredibly good adaptation. hoping s2 will be announced quickly so i can continue watching with my dearest

high card is still in the strongly okayish category in terms of quality, wihch puts it above ooyukiumi no kaina... and it pains me to say that because kaina had such a strong start, but i don’t feel like it’s actually done anything all that interesting with its very cool worldbuilding

or, rather, i guess i’m just not into what they are doing. it’s fine and all, but i’m not feeling invested in the characters. worldbuilding is still dope as hell though

tsurune remains gorgeous and... kind of baffling in terms of vibe lmao like what the hell happened in the novels because i’m so sure it’s not as sanitized as the anime, i can just feel it

even in s4 my memories and i are still in such a weird relationship with bungou stray dogs which is that i know i’ve read the manga up to this part at least, probably even farther, but the absolute most batshit things have to happen before i’m like “ohhh yeah i guess that did happen huh”

don’t remember anything else. how did kunikida even get in jail?! he’s my favorite so the fact that i forgot that makes me wonder what else i forgot lmao

tomo-chan and i guess we’re calling it ice guy are still both pretty cute, and i usually enjoy office romcoms much more than high school romcoms because hell yeah adults

but tomo-chan has a strong edge over ice guy. both these series are just in the pretty okayish category for me, but tomo-chan’s comedic beats tend to land while ice guy’s do not. ice guy has its very cute moments, and it’s so so so soothing that i’m definitely enjoying it, but its comedy (especially its comedic timing) is just not really working. very often there are sketches that go on for just waaay too long, to the point that i think ice guy may have benefited from being a half-length show like cool doji danshi

still very cute, though!

and speaking of cool doji danshi, it’s still asdkflajsdlfkj i want to PUNCH a CLOUD these idiots are so cute. eikyuu shounen, the other half-length series of the season, is still pretty enjoyable too! surprisingly, if we rule out idolish7, i think i’d actually say eikyuu shounen has the best music out of the currently airing idol anime. uniteup and technoroid are obviously better in many other ways, but the eikyuu shounen music is right up my alley

last but certainly not least, the vampire dies in no time s2 is still so fucking funny that i’d put it as a strong contender for anime of the season for me. i feel like we’re seeing a lot more of fukuma this season which is fantastic because the bits about ronaldo’s writing career are so incredibly relatable lmao

like where can i get a fukuma-san fr

[theoriginalsapphic]

Why I Believe That Byler Is Endgame (based only on what we have seen on the show). part 2

And by that, I mean: no color-coding analysis, no set props analysis, no actor interviews interpretation, no script analysis, no movies parallels analysis; nada. Only what we’ve seen on the show and nothing else.

This will use a lot of comparisons with m/leven because, despite the fact that some of you refuse to admit it, this is a love triangle.

season 3: puberty and changes

In season 1, El was found by Mike, Lucas and Dustin in the woods while searching for Will. Although the main goal of the party is to find and save Will, they also keep El safe and hidden from the laboratory and Dr. Brenner.

In season 2, Lucas and Dustin are mostly focused on Max, while, on the other hand, we see how during the whole season Mike protects Will and is showed that he has been trying to communicate with El this whole time.

mileven breakup

This is the first season in which Will and El coexist with each other in the same space, and how it affects Mike and his relationships with them. However, I want to make emphasis on the two key moments that take place this season of the two relationships: the breakup and the farewell.

The tone of the scene is unserious and carefree, with bright colors during a sunny day. The scene is not intimate; in fact, everyone reacts to El breaking up with Mike. 'Cold As Ice', a song that describes a lover who is materialistic and selfish (Mike buying a present for El instead of telling her the truth), plays in the background. Mike is left confused while El is rejoicing in the moment with Max.

The tone of the of the scene is serious and somber, with muted colors and downpouring in the background. Despite Lucas being at Mike's house as well, the scene feature only them and no one else. In the two bottom pictures, Will's expression is one of hurt and betrayal, and Mike expresses inmediate regret at the words he just said.

byler 'breakup'

She rejoices in her newfound friendship with Max.

how El reacts to her breakup

He destroys Castle Byers, a place he built with his brother after their dad left and in where he took shelter when he was trapped in the Upside Down. He looked at the place that used to make him feel emotionally and physically safe and destroyed it with a baseball bat and his bare hands.

how Will reacts to his 'breakup'

how Mike reacts to the breakups

the finale

Mike's conversation with Will

Before this episode, I was still on the fence about whether i was reading too much into it or not, but this season finale, in my opinion, confirmed that Mike probably had feelings for Will. Let me show it in images.

We know that three months had passed since the battle at Starcourt, and the Byers are moving. Even though it's not explained what happened during that period of time, it's easy to infer that Mike and Will are in somewhat good terms again.

It starts simple, with Mike askingEel if she packed her walkie and with promises of talking to her often and of whether they are going to meet each other for thanksgiving and christmas. El is about to leave, after the conversation with Mike turns awkward, but decides to turn around instead and makes their conversation serious.

Mike's conversation with El

...they kiss...

... and his face is just pure confusion. love that open closet right behind him tho

The Byers move to California, and with them, so do his girlfriend and his best friend since he was five years old; to put it simply, is a huge change in everyone's lives, but especially in Mike's life. This is one of the few times since season 3 in which we actually get to focus on mike's emotions and perspective but I believe is one of the most important moments for his characters.

Mike

[ridestomars]

SUNNY DAYS THAT WON'T EVER END ─ S. HARRINGTON

𖥻 summary: in which you and steve take the kids to the beach. 𖥻 pairing: steve harrington x reader. 𖥻 warnings: none except bad grammar and lousy aesthetics (not my best ik). not proofread.

💭 liv's thoughts: i am in pain and i am suffering. this is how i decided to make myself feel less sad. i wrote this in reference to steve's road trip dream in s4. everyone's alive & well in this one :) title is also a reference to james taylor's fire and rain iykyk

DO NOT INTERACT WITH THIS WORK IF YOU’RE UNDER 16.

"Oh my God, not this again!" you exclaim once you feel a hand brush your shoulder, sneaking its way to the van's radio. Turning your head around, you found Mike looking at you with that mischievous grin of his, which made you roll your eyes and go back to gaze at the road ahead. "Will you stop doing that?"

"It's not my fault you only put elderly music on. Why can't we listen to Talk Talk?"

"Um, actually I would be very content with Metallica, thank you!" Eddie exclaims from the back and everyone grunts in response, making him frown slightly. "What is wrong with metal?"

"It's not music, dingus," Robin answers like she was stating something obvious. "Besides, I don't get why you didn't put my mixtape on." 

"To listen to Ian Curtis moan for two hours and a half? I don't think so." Steve states from behind the wheel, staring at them from his rearview mirror. Robin and Eddie were pairing up on the last seat of the van, like the two naughty kids of the classroom, and were making it their mission to annoy the fuck out of everyone in that vehicle. Along with Mike, of course, who was sitting right behind you and your boyfriend, squished in between Eleven, Dustin, and Lucas. 

"Then you should've put Kate Bush like I asked you to." Max retorted, in an as-a-matter-of-fact manner. You could feel Steve's stare at her, a warning look that burned your upper body since she was sitting right beside you. 

"I think I've had enough of Wuthering Heights for now" he comments, nodding his head almost aggressively, sparing the girl another glance. "Maxine, will you, please, take your dirty shoes off of my dashboard?"

She rolls her eyes as he repeats the request for what seems to be the thirtieth time that day. Your body slowly sinks into the cushioned seat while Max smooths out the paper map she was holding, trying to remember the quickest way for you to get to the beach. 

"Are we there yet?" Will loudly asks from the middle seat that he was sharing with Erica, Jonathan, and Nancy. "Do you see any sand here? It's like we're going into a jungle!" the youngest girl exclaims while looking out of the window. And you really couldn't disagree with her, since all you saw from the time you entered the little coastal town were green trees and even greener lawn in the midst of small suburban-like houses. "I thought Max couldn't read maps." 

"I can! This one is just… different, " she replies quizzically. 

"Different!?" Everyone asked in unison, with the same confused tone. That made Max's blue eyes widen while she looked at you and Steve for help, only to find the both of you staring back at her with incredulity all over your faces. 

"I knew I should be the one reading it! I fucking told you!" Dustin screams in Steve's direction, with his hands going over his curly hair in exasperation. You could hear the 'we're in deep shit' and 'Jesus H. Christ' from all over the automobile, coming from everyone's mouths. Harrington could only 'tsk', placing his head on the hand he rested on the driver's window. 

"Tone, Henderson!" Eddie tells him from the back of the van. "But yeah, I really think he should trade places with Red."

"Fuck off, Eddie! I'm not leaving." Max pushed her back further into the passenger's seat, crossing her arms and pouting like an angry toddler. 

You took a deep breath before asking her softly, "And do you have any idea of where we are?" 

"Yeah, I think. Here." she pointed almost shyly at the map. You nodded and followed the blue line she traced across the roads before you started this (once) exciting adventure. 

"Alright. Enter the next right, Stevie."

"This right?"

"The next."

"My right or your right?" 

"It's the same, Steve." You could see the concentration on his face when you looked at him, slightly amused by the conversation you just had. Feeling your body tilting to the left as your boyfriend makes the accentuated curve, you hear Erica's faint complaint that Will's squishing her, but you were too distracted to listen to the rest of the exchange since your head couldn't stop worrying about the route Max selected. 

If she was right, it would only be a matter of minutes before you got to the miraculous beach, the one that you all have been dreaming about for months, talking about it nonstop until Steve finally rented the van. You could only pray that the redhead was correct about all of this, because, in all honesty, you don't think you can handle Mike's bitchness for much longer, or Dustin's insufferable grunts for that matter. 

So it was almost impossible not to sigh in relief as the sight of sand invaded the horizon, with only the thinnest line of blue right in the distance. You were not the only one who was happy to see it, in fact, the whole van erupted in cheers once Lucas announced: "Land ahoy!". Giggles mixed with screams and 'fucking finally's'. El's laugh was the one who stood out to you the most; that bubbly and loud chuckle of hers made a big smile grow on your lips. 

And it only got bigger once you noticed Steve's face glowing in all its glory under the summer's sun. Bright, great, and striking, as always. There wasn't a prettier sight than him smiling so big that you couldn't even see the brown of his eyes no more, only eyelashes and cute wrinkles. It was rather relieving to see him look so happy… that was a sight you didn't see often anymore since he is always so worried about his job and his academic life. A warm feeling spread quickly through your chest, making your heart beat faster just by the vision of him. You couldn't believe how lucky you were sometimes. 

"See? I told you I could read a map." Max triumphantly says as she rests her knees on the cushioned seat, turning her body around to look at the happy faces behind her. Mayfield had one of her rare big smiles plastered on her face, in a mix of satisfaction and pride, and her cheeks were slightly flushed; a great contrast with her countless freckles. The happiness that radiated from the girl was sensed by everyone in the van, especially Lucas, who stared at her like she was the most beautiful person he has ever seen in his life. And if you ask him, he'll tell you that is true; there was no one more charming than Maxine Mayfield. They shared a quick look, and if that was even possible, her smile only grew bigger. 

"Good job, Max!" Eleven praises her friend, in that sweet way of hers. Even from miles away, it was easy to see her eyes beaming, emitting her cheerfulness for the whole world to see. 

"Thank you, El! It's nice to know that someone acknowledges my talent". 

"Well, then I think we should all say thanks to Max, you guys." Nancy suddenly says, while looking around the whole van, like a teacher encouraging her students to participate in the day's activity. She had Jonathan's arm wrapped around her shoulders, and he was laughing silently by her side. "1, 2, 3…"

"Thank you, Max!" You all exclaimed, some more excited than others, but the intensity of the burst of laughter that contaminated you was the same. 

"You are all welcome." She sheepishly accepts the recognition and takes a quick bow before dropping back to her sit. Now, she stared at Steve, who was concentrating on parking the van the best he could. "Can we please have some ice cream when we get out?"

"Hell yeah." He immediately agrees and receives another van-shaking cheer from everyone. 

"I really want chocolate. Will, do you wanna share?" Dustin turns to face the boy sitting behind him, who excitedly agrees to the proposal. You hear Eddie asking Robin if she likes cotton candy flavored ice cream, to which she replies with a vomiting sound. Guess that was a no. 

"I really wanted strawberry." Max mindlessly comments by your side.

"Then I'll buy you the whole freaking stock," Steve responds as he turns off the vehicle. The redhead emits a surprised sound, thinking that no one would actually pay attention to that. 

"You'll buy us the whole stock? Fuck yeah!" Mike chimes in and then ushers everyone to get out before Steve changes his mind. 

While they were making their way out of the van, stretching and yawing lazily under the sun, you ask your boyfriend, "You're not really thinking about buying them the whole thing, right?"

"I'm not insane, you know? I think that if we put enough sprinkles that might distract them from that fact, so don't say anything."

"I won't, promise." You proclaim as you got off the van through the driver's door, landing right next to Steve. Stretching your arms, you ask him: "Do you think you can handle babysitting them for the rest of the day?"

"Fuck no. Can't even handle babysitting them back home." He shakes his head while his arm wraps around your shoulder, pulling you closer to him. "But there's nothing in the world that I would rather do than this."

He gives you a soft kiss right at your temple, muttering the last word into your skin. And when you look ahead, you understand exactly what he means. You watched as Eddie gave Dustin a piggyback ride to the sand, jumping every time his feet encountered the shore since it was burning hot; as Mike raced against Eleven and Will, rilling them up until he tripped over and almost fell; as Max failed to mediate another one of the Sinclair's squabbles, laughing more than actually trying to help; as Robin had a difficult time trying not to fall when she tripped on the sand, only to be helped by Nancy and Jonathan who held her arms until she was safely walking by the seashore. 

Yeah, you wouldn't trade this moment for anything in the world.

edit: now there's kind of a part two to this. you can read it here! steve masterlist | main masterlist | navigation𖤐 hey! wanna talk? leave me a message after the beep ─ currently accepting requests for eddie munson and steve harrington.

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[traduceingeniero]

I feel equally blessed and astonished by what they did with Martín's character.

I mean, we started in S3 with a Martín that was hopeless, devastated, full of rage, regret and, above all, sadness. He had lost the love of his life, twice, forever, and because of that he lost his love for life. He was a ruthless, selfish, cynical man who was convinced that nobody was worth trusting.

The only thing we knew was that he had something to do with Andrés' past, and he was somehow meant to be his "replacement" of sorts. Every time Andrés was mentioned, his expression turned bitter and painful. But that was because nobody knew the truth - they felt the right to judge him without knowing a thing about the person he was and what happened to him, to him and to Andrés.

And then they started to show us glimpses of who he was years before, who he was by Andrés' side. He was full of hope, of energy, of ideas - of love, above all. He was happy and content to be with Andrés, to work alongside him, to plan alongside him, to dream alongside him, to live alongside him. They were focused, buoyant, elated. The world was theirs and they were capable of anything, because they had faith in each other.

They were going to melt gold together. And Martín was working so hard to make it happen, to be able to do something with Andrés that would go down in history. But then Sergio came and, no matter how hard he tried to make him believe in their plan, he wouldn't. He wanted to take Andrés from him - Andrés, who had learned he was ill and wouldn't live much longer. Not even long enough to come out of his brother's heist alive.

And he left Martín behind, not without giving him a taste of what he had always wanted and had never asked for, had never even thought of asking for, because he was happy just like that, before saying goodbye to him never to come back. And that's how Martín lost everything - the man he loved and the plan he loved.

That alone was an intense, heartbreaking story. But, after S4, I wasn't sure at all of what would come next. I've watched enough shows and films to imagine what writers usually do in these cases, and my biggest hope was that Martín would die just as he was, in love with Andrés, for the sake of the heist they planned together, and sort of be with him in the afterlife.

However, I still knew even this was a difficult option, because writers are somehow forced to show some kind of "character evolution" - and the easiest way to do that (what actually happens in 99% of the cases) was to make a fresh start, often with somebody else. That is, just to make Martín forget about Andrés and start a new life. That's the logical step for many writers.

But no. They did none of that. In S5, they made Martín think about Andrés more than ever. They had him made clear why he was there and then - for his love for a man, for his love of the heist they planned together. They portrayed him as a man in love, the same man in love he had been since he met Andrés, but with less suffering, less sorrow, less grief. A man who was determined to make their dream come true, to see it through to the end. A man who did it. A man who survived and made it - all the way being loyal to Andrés, making worthwhile everything they did together. A man who honored the promise he made to the love of his life without forgetting about him even for a second, no matter for how long they had been apart.

That is one of the most romantic things I have ever seen. And, honestly, I still can't believe they really went and did that. It seemed the most unlikely path, yet here we are.

TL;DR I'm so so so grateful they actually did justice to Martín's character and his love for Andrés and I can't even begin to describe how happy and emotional that makes me :')

[milenadaniels]

Actually, Truly, 14k - Buck/Eddie, Helena POV, post-s4 (AO3)

Isabel calls to tell them Eddie's been shot on a Thursday afternoon and by lunch on Friday Helena and Ramon are landing at LAX. When they land, they learn Eddie's already home recovering and has been for two weeks.

----

Or, Helena (and Ramon) tries to find a way back into Eddie's life and doesn't know what to make of finding Buck around every corner she turns.

Isabel calls on a Thursday afternoon and by lunch on Friday Helena and Ramon are landing at LAX. Their son’s been shot, again, in the line of duty. But this time, instead of being thousands of miles away and out of reach, he’s just a short plane ride away.

Isabel insists they come to her house before going to the hospital but she doesn’t blame COVID protocols for keeping them away from the hospital, so they spend the car ride over imagining the worst.

A complication with surgery.

Permanent damage.

A coma.

The news they receive is that Eddie’s fine, and he’s been home and recuperating for two weeks already.

Helena retreats to the living room while Ramon and his mother fight in the kitchen. They’re yelling in Spanish and for once she wishes she’d never learned.

“Escúchame, Ramon,” Isabel tries to interrupt. Listen to me.

The yelling continues because Ramon doesn’t listen. It’s not his strong suit. Nor is it Helena’s.

Helena paces the length of the living room and holds her phone in her hands, thumb over Eddie’s name in FaceTime, not pressing down.

Eddie’s been home for two weeks.

Isabel hadn’t told them for two weeks.

But Eddie hadn’t either.

They hadn’t seen him in person in nearly two years, and he hadn’t called them since their last fight over a month ago.

Still, Eddie was shot in the streets by a sniper and he didn’t call them.

Mom, listen...

The last time they spoke, it was a phone call, not a video chat, maybe because at that point just the sight of each others’ faces was enough to set them all off. In that phone call, Eddie spoke of a friend whose family was somehow worse off than their own, but who, miraculously, were finally making the effort to fix the broken ties between them in therapy.

“Mom, listen… I spent a long time being angry with Shannon instead of trying to reach out to her and now Christopher is never going to have her in his life again. I don’t want that with you,” Eddie said, his voice brusque but calm, measured. “I don’t want to grin and bear it when you call or when we visit. I want to be glad to pick up the phone, I want to be excited to see you all at Christmas, I want you to be part of our lives. But I can’t do that without you meeting me halfway.” He was resolute, but he was pleading too. “I don’t want to spend the next ten years of our lives like this.”

But the idea of therapy was anathema to the Diaz family and it took only Ramon’s dismissive scoff to reinforce her own distaste of the idea. They called Eddie back to say they had no intention of paying a stranger to tell them everything was their fault and he was blameless.

They didn’t get another call after that.

“— my son!” Ramon yells at Isabel in the kitchen.

“Because, mijo, when you come here, you don’t see your son! You don’t see him living here, growing, Christopher thriving! You don’t see how when you come up here you bring sadness and misery when you should bring joy and comfort.” The words are too close to what Eddie said for them not to have spoken about it together. “By the time I knew he was hurt, he was already out of surgery and doing well. If he wasn’t, I would have called immediately.”

“Oh bueno, so you’ll tell me my son is dying but not that he’s okay?”

“Ramon! Escúchame.” It’s not often that Helena gets to bear witness to the steel in Isabel’s voice, the one she passed down to both her kids. It’s in fine form today. “He was doing well, and had all the help he needed. As soon as things stabilized, I called you. Keep acting like a fool and see if I call you at all next time.”

“If you call? Are you —”

Mom, listen…

“Ramon!” Helena snaps, surprising them all.

“Ramon,” she repeats, more calmly this time. “Listen to her.”

The shock on Isabel’s face almost makes her smile, but her heart is too heavy to commit to it.

“Helena, two weeks she —”

“Our son was shot, and he didn’t tell us.” Helena says, her voice trembling. “Our son was shot, he could have died, and the last thing we would have told him is we weren’t willing to fight for him and Christopher. Weren’t willing to — what? — put our egos aside? Our pride? For one fucking minute to listen to him. To listen to what he needed.”

Ramon’s eyes widen and he hangs his head with a sigh.

Helena faces Isabel, her phone tucked in her palm against her stomach.

“What can we do? We’re listening.”

——————-

Ramon walks it off and Helena helps Isabel in the kitchen in exchange for a promise they’ll go over to Eddie’s for supper. She’s been making care packages for Eddie and Christopher since the shooting, and she’s working on a pasta sauce while Helena starts on her famous banana brown sugar bread — Eddie’s favourite.

“How is he, really?” she asks once her dish is tucked into the oven.

“As well as can be expected,” Isabel replies, throwing spices into the pot with an ease Helena never grew into. “He was tired for the first few days, but now it’s like a broken arm. Uncomfortable but not so painful.”

“How long is it supposed to take to heal?”

Isabel casts a suspicious eye her way as if she can anticipate the date of Helena’s return flight adjusting already, but answers, “they say 6 to 8 weeks. It’s for the bone to heal, mostly, in his back. The rest should be sooner.”

Helena broke her wrist years ago, when the kids were nearly teenagers, and it was three months of hell trying to manage a household one handed while Ramon spent most of that time travelling across Texas.

Who’s helping him? Is Carla back in the picture? Is she working overtime? How can he afford that on sick leave? Is Pepa or one of the cousins going over? Is his girlfriend there? Who’s helping with Christopher? How is he managing?

The questions — all genuine and well-meaning, all a shade too accusatory — are on her tongue, pressed to the back of her teeth to keep from escaping. She’s entitled to answers, even if she doesn’t like them. She knows she has the right to at least know how her son is caring for himself and her grandson while he’s injured. If he’d told them when it happened Helena could have been here in a heartbeat to help, but no, Eddie’s just as stubborn as they are, just as prideful. He’d rather suffer alone than accept their help. Fine. But she’s still his mother, and Christopher’s grandmother. She raised them both. She has a right to—

Mom, listen…

Helena takes a deep breath in, anchors herself in the mixed scents of the rich sauce and the sweet bread cooking, and breathes out. Isabel sends her another look but says nothing.

————-

Helena cries when she sees Eddie, and cries a bit harder when she sees the apprehension in his eyes. Her baby boy looks a bit pale, but he’s standing on his own two feet and answering the door himself.

“Oh, sweetheart,” she murmurs, wrapping him gently into her arms, mindful not to press into the sling or his back.

“Hi, mom,” he says quietly, like he’s trying to gentle the stiffness in his voice.

She releases him, but not before pressing three kisses into his temple, always three. One for each of her kids.

Ramon steps into the space she leaves when she continues into the house and from the corner of her eye, she sees him cup the back of Eddie’s head and take a good look at him. For Ramon, it’s the equivalent of collapsing to the floor in tears.

Helena quickly toes off her boots and makes room at the entrance for the others behind her, which also puts her first in line to catch a sight that nearly knocks her down.

“Who is this young man I see?” she cries, throwing her hands wide to gesture at her grandson. “Last I saw you, you were just a little tyke. Now look at you, you must have grown three feet!”

Christopher giggles and Helena smiles in return as she folds him into her arms, but it’s forced. She’s not lying — he’s grown so much more than she expected. She hasn’t seen him in person since Eddie’s graduation and while video chats are priceless, they didn’t capture this growth spurt.

She can’t believe she let this happen. That she went from spending most of everyday with this little boy and now she’s missed out on two years of his life. Can’t believe Eddie kept him fro—

Mom, listen...

Supper goes well enough. Eddie never truly shakes loose the tension in his shoulders; he trades many looks with Isabel, seemingly spooked by his parents’ behaviour. He talks a lot more than he usually does, probably out of nervousness. But overall, they let Christopher take the reigns; they’re all more comfortable with that. It’s been too long since they’ve last spoken and Christopher is full of stories about his school and his friends.

“Buck says we can go to the Griffin soon. It was closed because of COVID. But before, I went with my class and they made a comet right in front of us!”

Buck. It’s the third time his name has been dropped at the table since they sat down.

She first met him, briefly, at Eddie’s graduation, but didn’t really register him as someone in her son’s life until Eddie and his crew stopped off in El Paso for dinner on their way home from fighting Texas wildfires. Buck had been cropping up in Christopher’s and Eddie’s stories for months by then and she was curious to properly meet him in person. He had seemed...young, she remembers.

“The Griffith Observatory,” Eddie corrects fondly. With Christopher, at least, it’s impossible for him not to soften.

Eddie’s only eaten half the pasta on his plate but Isabel seems satisfied. Helena bites down on the impulse to encourage him to eat more. To remind him he needs his strength to heal quickly for his little boy. She does lift the basket of garlic bread in his direction, because she can’t help herself. He eyes the basket warily as though he expects her to do more, but when she doesn’t, he shakes his head with a small smile of thanks.

“Yeah,” Christopher agrees, “it was cool but we didn’t get to stay long enough to see everything. And if we go later, Buck says we can see real meteors in the sky.”

Fourth mention.

“Christopher is on an astronomy kick,” Eddie adds redundantly.

“Wait, I gotta show you —” Christopher is sliding out of his seat before anyone can stop him and racing down the hall to his bedroom.

“Oh, honey —” Helena grips the arms of her chair out of reflex to jump up and help him — he doesn’t have his crutches, he’s only using the wall for support and he’s wearing socks — but Eddie looks over when her chair creaks.

He can’t really expect her to just sit here while Christopher—

Mom, listen…

They can hear Christopher make it to his bedroom without injury, so Helena slowly settles back in her chair and Ramon clears his throat. “He seems...okay. More okay than I would have expected.”

Eddie keeps his eyes on his father for a beat too long, assessing the comment for any hidden messages.

“He’s a resilient kid. Buck stayed here with him while I was in the hospital, so his routine wouldn’t get messed up. I think that helped a lot.”

Fifth ment— wait.

“Buck stayed with him?” The words — the tone — are out of her mouth before Helena can stop them.

On the shortlist of people she expected to hear stayed with her grandson to watch him and care for him, alone, while his father was in the hospital — Isabel, Pepa, Carla, or even Ana — Buck’s isn’t a name she expected to hear. A coworker — an unrelated man with no children of his own, over Christopher’s family? Over Christopher’s own aide? Over a schoolteacher?

Eddie’s jaw squares up and he sits up in his chair. Like light gray rain clouds suddenly turning dark, weighty with an incoming storm, a heavy tension builds in the air between them.

“Look!” Christopher exclaims as he rounds the corner, nearly throwing a thin, blue hardcover book on the table. Eddie catches it before it can slam into Christopher’s leftover pasta and sets it down on the table for him. “It shows all the things we can see in the sky over the whole year!”

Christopher climbs back into his chair and opens the book up to a random page, describing everything he seems to have nearly memorized already. By the time he reaches the upcoming meteor shower, the tension at the table has dissipated enough for Helena to excuse herself to the bathroom and not have it come off like a passive aggressive storm-off.

She washes her hands with soap pumped out of a fish-shaped dispenser that wasn’t here the last time she visited and trains her eyes on the basket of gauze, scissors and tape tucked away on the shelf above the toilet. That wasn’t there last time either.

Her baby boy was shot by a sniper. In LA.

A bullet tore through the body she created and almost took her son from her forever.

Mom, listen...

But only after she’d almost pushed him so far away he might never come back.

The tears well up again and she sniffs through them, blinking up at the ceiling until she’s back under control.

As she pivots to turn the light off, she spies a purple toothbrush resting on the ledge just above the sink. The other two toothbrushes are electric — one adult-, one child-sized — and stand on the counter.

—————-

Helena and Ramon meet the infamous Ana by accident.

When they leave Eddie’s house on Friday, Helena sends a text message to say what she couldn’t manage to say to his face — that they’re here for him, in whatever capacity he needs, that they’ll take their cues from him, even if that means giving him some space.

To that, she receives a, Thank you.

When she asks for the contact information of the therapist he had scoped out for them, she gets a phone call.

“Not to look a gift horse in the mouth,” her son says, “but are you just doing this because I got shot?”

“Honestly? Yeah,” she laughs mirthlessly. “I’m sorry to say it took our baby boy nearly dying to get our heads out of our ass.”

Eddie huffs a laugh on his end. “Well, I’ll take that silver lining.”

After that, Eddie invites them to a restaurant for brunch on Sunday, but when they reach his doorstep, they find it already occupied by a woman who’s just rung the doorbell, holding a casserole dish in her hands.

When the door opens, Eddie takes in the three of them, his eyes wide and apprehensive.

“Ana, I wasn’t expecting you,” he says, his eyes darting over her shoulder to his parents. He’s smiling, though there’s a clear strain in the corners of his eyes and mouth. They’ve been critical about Shannon for so long — and with good reason, nothing will change Helena’s mind on that — no doubt he’s expecting them to hate this new woman on sight.

“You’re Ana!” Helena exclaims with a wide smile, imbuing her voice with as much welcome as she’s capable. “Hi! It’s so good to finally meet you!”

When Eddie releases the breath he was holding, she knows she was on the mark. Ramon follows her lead and invites Ana to brunch with them on the spot and won’t hear her protests about intruding.

Eddie, of course, doesn’t protest at all but invites them in so Ana can store the casserole in the fridge — it takes both Ana and Helena’s organizational skills to find a spot for it among Isabel’s and Eddie’s tupperwares already invading all available space — and he can finish getting ready. He was already dressed in a nice polo and jeans but when he comes back from his bedroom it’s in a smart button-down he must have struggled with out of sheer stubbornness. Both his parents and his girlfriend are in the house and still he didn’t ask for help.

Eddie and Christopher decide to hop into Ana’s car and Helena asks loudly for directions to keep Ramon from insisting they should all ride together.

“So how long have you kids been seeing each other now?” Ramon asks when they’ve been seated at the restaurant.

“Nearly 7 months now, I think, isn’t it?” Ana replies, looking at Eddie with a dazzling smile — she truly is gorgeous. Eddie was still talking to them when he started dating her so they know she’s a schoolteacher turned vice principal but to meet her in person blows all their other expectations out of the water. She’s lively and sweet, patient and understanding, Latina — a big plus in Ramon’s books ironically. Eddie picked well this time.

Eddie hesitates a moment and nods. “Yeah, that sounds right.”

Every now and again, he squirms in his chair, like he can’t quite settle in and Helena wonders when his last painkiller was taken. But when he catches her face, she smoothes her worry out into a cheeky smile that says I like this one. He smiles back and there’s nothing she can pinpoint exactly but something about it makes her uneasy.

Eddie’s too quiet as they wait for their food, his face pinched, and just when Helena’s about to break, Ana does her the favour of asking gently, “Are you feeling okay? Do you need to take anything for your arm?”

But Eddie shrugs off her concern. “No, thank you. Next one isn’t until noon.” He taps his phone twice and she smiles.

“Sorry, I forgot. He’s got them all on timers with a special ringtone. He’s so organized,” she tells Helena and Ramon with a sunny smile, rubbing her hand down his good arm. “I have one multivitamin and I forget to take it half the time.”

“Buck set it up,” Eddie defers, and Helena schools her face not to react; even at brunch Buck is with them in spirit.

Ramon either takes no issue with the mention or doesn’t register it. He takes the opportunity to share how his new pharmacy pre-packages his heart and arthritis medications into AM and PM slots and Ana listens attentively. Eddie’s fingertip taps absently against the phone case until their food arrives.

Christopher ordered a waffle, and with Eddie indisposed, Helena is already moving to help him when Ana beats her to the punch again. Helena tucks a smile away as Ana leans over and starts cutting the waffle up into smaller pieces.

“He can do that,” Eddie says when he notices Christopher sitting back in his chair, realizing only when Ana startles that his tone is sharp. His voice is softer when he follows up with, “Right, buddy?”

“Yeah,” Chris agrees, picking up his own cutlery with enthusiasm despite his hands being nearly too small for them.

Eddie throws an apologetic grin Ana’s way and brunch continues peacefully, though the stiff line of Eddie’s shoulder never does quite soften.

Mom, listen…

————-

Their first therapy session takes place in Isabel’s kitchen at Eddie’s request. Isabel thinks it’s so he has the option of leaving when he needs to (in other words, when he gets fed up and runs) but Helena hasn’t missed how Eddie has been careful to keep them away from his home since the first day they saw him.

They’ve seen Eddie and Chris numerous times in the week and change they’ve been in LA — more than they’ve seen them since they left El Paso — but always outside of the house. Sometimes they pick Chris up from school, sometimes Eddie and Chris come to Isabel’s for supper, sometimes they go out to restaurants or other outings, but they haven’t been invited back to his home again. She wanted to believe it was because he was hiding the news that Ana had moved in but that’s been shot out of the water both by her ringing the doorbell and an errant comment at the end of brunch about how she hadn’t seen him since the welcome home party.

So it’s out of pettiness, then. Stubbornness. Out of pig-headed inability to accept that he needs help and willingness to believe that they’re making an effort to meet him on his own terms.

She tries not to let it rankle her, tries to find some of that resolute commitment to letting things be and not push. But the next thing she knows, she’s yelling about it to a stranger at Isabel’s island counter.

To be fair, the session with Dr. Jamieson wasn’t going great to begin with. It’s awkward as hell, the three of them balancing on stools, squished in next to each other to try to fit into the screen, but also trying to keep the laptop close enough to still hear her and not have to shout. It’s happening while Chris is at school so they don’t have to worry about keeping him distracted but they can’t exactly ask Isabel to go wait in the LA sun for an hour so she doesn’t overhear, so it’s basically a given that she’s the fourth person on this virtual couch from the next room over.

And beyond that, Helena has kept her mouth shut for over a week which is frankly more time than anyone would have bet on, including herself, and given the opportunity to express herself freely...well…

“You want space? We’ve given you nothing but space since we got here. How much more can we give you, Eddie? You’re hundreds of miles away from us already. Forgive us for feeling the need to check in on our only son who almost died last week,” she yells, her hand nearly colliding with her coffee mug as she gestures.

“Last week?” Ramon echoes with a bark of dark laughter.

“Oh, no, that’s right,” Helena picks up. “I’m sorry! Not a week ago! Nearly a month ago! Because apparently we don’t warrant even a text when our only son almost dies, but that’s not enough space?”

Eddie rakes his fingers aggressively through his hair, his lips pursed.

“We have to move to Mexico,” Ramon continues blithely. “Is that enough space? No, better yet! Sweden! Your family still lives out there, no? We can live on their farm. Completely different timezone, we won’t even be reachable.”

“Yeah,” Eddie bites back, a sour grin blooming on his face, “that’s what I want. I ask you to give me some breathing room — to respect me, my life — and you translate that into living in a fucking commune in Sweden. And you wonder why we’re in therapy. I can’t talk to you, you don’t listen!”

Mom, lis—

“Listen to what, Eddie?” Helena yells, getting out of her seat to pace. “Listen to the months of silence you’ve sent our way? Because we either get on board and blindly cheer on every mess you get yourself into or we don’t get to know you anymore? Don’t get to know our grandson?”

“I never kept him from you — you have our number, the phone didn’t ring. That’s not on me.”

“Because you would have picked up?” Ramon exclaims, pushing away from the island to better look back at their son. “Easy to claim when it’s after the fact in front of the doctor.”

“So now I’m a liar! You raised a liar?”

“I think we’ve gotten off-track,” Dr. Jamieson’s tinny voice interjects from the laptop.

In the bottom right hand corner of the screen, only Eddie remains in the frame.

————

Firehouse 118 was a lively crowd at Eddie’s graduation but it’s nothing compared to the party thrown at the Grant-Nash house in honour of a new probationary firefighter.

Dr. Jamieson pointed out the self-fulfilling prophecy that Eddie protecting himself from criticism and pressure by withholding details about his life in LA was leading to his parents’ growing insecurity over not knowing anything about their son and feeling the need to intervene more and more.

The solution? Let them in on his life and trust that they could hold themselves in check.

For that, even Ramon was in agreement that maybe therapy wasn’t a load of shit after all.

So here they find themselves welcomed into this beautiful and loud home nearly three weeks into their stay in LA. They were allowed to pick Eddie and Chris up so they arrive together but Christopher peels off immediately to find kids his own age.

It’s impossible not to feel the warmth of family radiating from every inch of the home so when Eddie’s shoulders seem to loosen a little as they walk in, Helena can’t find it in herself to begrudge him.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” a woman around Helena’s age drawls, crowding into Eddie’s space for a delicate hug he doesn’t hesitate to return. “Though I could have done without seeing another one of these for a few hundred more years,” she says, gesturing to the sling. “How much longer?”

“Another month if everything checks out,” Eddie says, releasing a sigh.

“It better,” she warns with a twinkle in her eye that says if she learns he’s been aggravating his injury there will be hell to pay.

The woman, they find out, is Athena Grant-Nash, wife of the 118’s captain and consummate host. While Eddie splits off “for a minute”, she leads them to the main area for drinks and introductions before leaving them to mingle. Captain Nash — Bobby — meets them with appetizers and introduces them to the Lees, the de-facto parental figures of the young man who just joined the team.

From the spot she claims at the edge of the dining room, Helena keeps an eye trained on Eddie outside. She feels an itch under her skin knowing it’s been nearly twenty minutes and Eddie hasn’t checked on Christopher, but she knows she shouldn’t go herself. Eddie can do everything on his own, right? He can look after his own kid at a party.

She can, however, go to the washroom and take a peek at what Christopher’s up to while she’s wandering, and that’s exactly what she intends to do.

But for now, she watches as Eddie criss-crosses through the crowds of the patio, prompting a localized burst of cheers at each stop as he reunites himself with teammates he hasn’t seen since the shooting. She recognizes the woman who was on the trip to Texas but the rest conjure only the vaguest memories of Eddie’s graduation and the occasional picture on Instagram — before he stopped posting that is. Just one more way they’ve been iced out.

But he seems happy, almost carefree in a way she realizes she hasn’t seen with her own eyes in...longer than this trip, actually.

Probably years, if she’s honest.

And it occurs to her, slowly, creepingly, that her son is outside, smiling freely and easily, surrounded by people he’s made his new family, while Helena stands inside watching his life through a glass window in a stranger’s house.

Mom, listen…

She swallows past the lump in her throat and sighs. Ramon’s arm comes around her waist and without looking at him, she knows he’s had a similar revelation.

Their next therapy session is in a few days, and they’re not going to fuck it up again.

There’s a late arrival to the party, one of the only people in Eddie’s life she can recognize — Buck. He’s as tall as she remembered but he looks a shade less young now maybe. He greets everyone with a hug or kiss on the cheek as he moves through the party, and bestows a cheer and an enthusiastic hug on Albert, the guest of honour.

When he moves on to the patio and approaches Eddie’s circle, however, the cheerful, long-awaited reunion of best friends she expects doesn’t happen. They catch each other’s eyes for a few beats and share a welcoming smile, then the conversation resumes as if nothing of consequence has happened. Buck doesn’t even linger long, heading back into the house after a few minutes.

When the cake starts being doled out, Eddie returns to meet them at the table and accepts the plate Helena offers him. Helena is scouting the yard for a chair he can sit on to eat when Buck reappears.

“He couldn’t be pulled away?” Eddie asks in surprise.

“Nope,” Buck replies with a grin before turning to them. “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Diaz. Good to see you again!” Before they can return more than a smile, Buck continues, “he’s cheating at Unicorn Temple with Harry. Not even cake can pull him away.”

Eddie rolls his eyes and smiles. “My son is not a cheater.” To them, he says, “Buck thinks that whenever he’s losing at a video game, it’s because his opponent is cheating.”

“Not always! Just when they are,” he replies with exaggerated emphasis before scooping a piece of cake onto a plate. “I’m gonna go hide this in the fridge for him for later before it’s all gone.”

Eddie ducks his head and smiles down at his plate, and the questions are building up behind Helena’s teeth again.

Christopher’s been playing video games all this time? Is it an age-appropriate game? Why is Buck checking on your son? Why is Buck saving him cake when nobody asked him to? Why—

But Eddie looks up with an uncertain expression and says, “there’s a table out there if you guys want to join me.”

So Helena stows her questions and says, “that’d be great.”

They eat the overly-sweet cake in peaceful silence until Ramon casts an eye around and says, “you must be glad about the new firefighter. You won’t be the baby on the team anymore.”

Eddie snorts. “I’m 33 and my kid is nearly a teenager — and that’s totally not freaking me out at all,” he adds wryly. “Besides, I was never the baby of the team. Buck is younger than me and forever a kid at heart so I was never in any danger of it.”

“Oh god, don’t remind me that Christopher’s growing up,” Helena only half-jokes. “I can still barely believe he’s old enough to hold his own head up.”

Eddie huffs a laugh and Helena banks it as a win.

“Do any of your coworkers have teenagers?” Ramon asks. “Might have some words of wisdom to share.” Since you won’t ask us, is unspoken and politely ignored by all.

“Athena’s daughter May is just leaving the teen years now, but after her, Christopher’s the oldest. Harry, Athena’s son is 9 and Denny, Hen and Karen’s son just turned 8. It’s great for play dates but not for getting advice on what’s coming up unfortunately.”

“Karen,” Ramon echoes.

Eddie’s fork pauses on its way to scoop some excess icing off his cake and his back straightens.

“Hen’s wife,” he says curtly, daring.

Helena wants to roll her eyes at the posturing. It’s 2021, who cares who anybody loves. She knows Ramon doesn’t, not really, not anymore. It’s a 50-year-long reflex to make a comment, one they’ve been working, if only to have some semblance of a civil conversation with Sophia while she works through a degree in women and gender studies.

But she knows that excuse isn’t going to fly with Eddie.

It hasn’t flown since Eddie was 20 years old and realizing he’d lost a good friend to his father’s caustic words. And Helena can’t ever go back and examine the hurt in Eddie’s expression with fresh eyes. Shemanages to forget about it most of the time until something happens to dig it out of the cold, hard ground and shove it in her arms.

Mom, listen...

But she’s come to LA because she wants to be in her son’s life, in her grandson’s life and she can’t be a coward now.

“They’re a gorgeous couple,” she says, almost too loudly in her enthusiasm. “Are they thinking of having more kids?”

Eddie turns his assessing eyes to her and is mollified by her effort. “Yeah, they’re foster parents now. They’ve fostered three kids so far.”

“That’s great,” she says sincerely. Then, accidentally on purpose and only in part to bring Ramon back to a safe topic, she asks, “Does Ana want a large family?”

Eddie sees through her attempt, but nods. “Yeah, she loves kids.”

Helena doesn’t miss Ramon’s approving nod, or the dark look that passes over Eddie’s eyes when he catches it.

“Was Ana not able to come tonight?” Ramon asks.

“I didn’t ask her,” he answers, his voice a shade too casual. “This is more of a team thing.” As if they hadn’t just been discussing the other families all around them.

“That Ana—” Ramon begins but is interrupted by the arrival of Christopher with a hint of blue icing on his nose and Buck following behind him with two paper plates filled with cake.

Christopher sits backwards on the picnic table bench and uses his arms to lift his legs over while Eddie watches but doesn’t offer to help, and when Christopher is set, Buck places one of the plates in front of him with a plastic fork stuck in the top like a flag.

“Buck was finally able to pull you away, mijo?” Eddie asks as Christopher digs in.

“No, May took her room back so we can’t play on her tv anymore. Harry’s gonna ask his mom if we can play in her room.”

“Yeah...” Buck draws out, sharing a dubious expression with Eddie over Christopher’s head, “I wouldn’t hold out for that, bud.”

“Maybe you can teach the others how to play Scrabble!” Eddie suggests.

Christopher’s nose wrinkles, “Scrabble is boring.”

“Hey!” Buck protests and takes a forkful of Christopher’s cake in retaliation, which prompts Christopher to yell and attack Buck’s cake back, taking much more than a forkful.

The commotion draws attention to their table and Helena’s gearing up to tell Christopher to settle down when she catches Eddie’s eyes on her, waiting.

Helena looks back out to the backyard to say, People are staring.

Eddie looks back impassively as if to say, Let them.

Mom, listen...

Helena swallows her impatience, her anxiety, her embarrassment.

“Hey,” Buck calls, his mouth half full of icing, “did you take your 6?”

Eddie hesitates and that’s enough for Buck to swallow and look put out, already turning and lifting a leg out of the confines of the picnic table.

“Did you turn off your alarm again?”

“I didn’t turn it off the first time, I don’t know what happened.”

“What happened is it woke you up at 6am and you turned it off because sleepy Eddie makes bad life choices.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “You don’t have —”

“Right pocket?” Buck interjects, already walking away.

“Yeah,” Eddie sighs.

Christopher looks at him and shakes his head with exaggerated disappointment.

“Don’t you start,” Eddie warns, scooping a fingertip of icing and dabbing it on his son’s nose too quickly for him to duck.

Christopher shrieks and reaches for his cake fingers-first.

“Oh no, no,” Eddie laughs, catching Christopher’s fingers with one hand. “Truce, truce.”

Christopher doesn’t look interested in a truce and Eddie’s other arm is in a sling, so Ramon quickly pulls the cake out of Christopher’s reach, and then Buck’s abandoned piece and Helena does the same with Eddie’s.

“Not fair!” Christopher cries, still reaching.

“Your dad’s hurt, mijo, you can’t attack him with icing while he’s healing,” Ramon says reasonably. “Wait till he’s all better.”

“He’s fine!” Christopher declares with the confidence of a trauma surgeon as he tries to climb up on the bench.

Eddie’s not in a position to pull him back down and Helena doesn’t know how far they can take their non-interference but she’s not about to let her grandson hop over a table to fall into three plates of cake. She’s half-decided she’s going to pick up the cake and walk it back inside when Buck returns, depositing a glass of water on the table and a small white pill into Eddie’s palm before swooping in and tickling Christopher’s sides.

He shrieks loudly, gaining looks from all around the backyard, but it gets his butt back down on the bench and Buck sits back down next to him, boxing him in between himself and Eddie.

“What happened to our cake? How’d it get all the way over there?” The plates are very easily within Buck’s reach; it’s a question for Christopher’s benefit.

“Dad got me like you did!” Christopher cries indignantly, pointing to his nose. “I’m getting him back!”

“Oh man,” Buck nods seriously before his finger darts forward, swipes the icing from his nose and brings it to his mouth. “Mmm, this is better than the one I got you with. You sure you don’t just wanna eat it?”

Christopher looks unconvinced.

“How about this?” Buck ducks down to whisper loudly. “You call a truce with your dad, and then I’ll steal all his icing and we’ll eat it.”

The icing on Eddie’s cake is mostly piled in a corner of his paper plate. He’s never been able to stomach the pure sugary sweetness of store bought icing.

“Okay,” Christopher nods back, reaching out again for his plate but without making grabby hands.

Ramon assesses him for a moment before taking the chance to push the plates back within reach.

“Hey, Eddie,” Buck calls deliberately. “You should take your medication now.”

“Thanks, Buck,” Eddie replies with a smile that conveys an eyeroll. “I’ll do that now.”

While Eddie pops the pill and takes a very long drink of water, Buck “sneakily” pulls his plate towards them and scoops all the piled icing onto his own plate before pushing the cake back to Eddie’s side of the table.

Christopher laughs and pushes Eddie’s plate an extra few inches away out of spite.

Eddie plays the disappointed victim passably well with a half-hearted gasp and a shake of his head. “You little thieves.”

As promised, Buck doles out some of Eddie’s icing to Christopher who immediately protests at the amount left on Buck’s plate.

“Hey, when you’re a big guy like me, you get more icing. Keep eating your proteins and you’ll get there in no time.”

Christopher accepts that easily enough. “I’m gonna be tall like dad.”

Buck scoffs, “Aim higher, kid. Literally.”

“I am barely two inches shorter than you,” Eddie laments, not for the first time, it sounds like.

“It’s practically three. Are you really going to lie in front of your parents?”

Wouldn’t be the first time, is on Helena’s tongue because it’s been hours since she could speak her mind, but she holds it in.

“How was the trip from Texas?” Buck asks them suddenly, bringing them back into the fold of a scene they'd never left but somehow stopped being a part of. “Flights have new restrictions on them now, don’t they?”

Mom, listen...

When the party is winding down and they walk outside to the driveway, Eddie surprises them by offering them both a hug.

“Thank you for coming,” he says sincerely, though Helena hears the underlying “and behaving” and can’t help but bristle.

“Thank you for inviting us, mijo,” Ramon says; his turn to save Helena from herself.

And when Eddie lets them know he and Chris will be getting their ride back from Buck, Ramon takes Helena’s hand and they smile almost sincerely as they say their goodnights.

—————-

The next week happens to be Isabel’s 80th birthday and Helena and Ramon keep themselves busy by helping to throw a party that will reunite every vaccinated member of the family in the area (they’re not about to take a chance on Isabel’s health).

Things have been getting better with Eddie. They had a second therapy session, again at Isabel’s island counter, where they lasted a good 25 minutes before devolving into yelling. The next day, Eddie asked Ramon for a ride to physical therapy, and easily accepted his father’s offer of lunch after the appointment.

Then, when Helena asked if she could pick up some groceries for him and Christopher, she was refused — in no small part, she thinks, because he still won’t let them in his house — but instead of going off on him, she channeled that anger and resentment into nearly buying out Costco for Isabel’s party. It felt like progress Dr. Jamieson would be proud of.

That’s why, despite the party officially kicking off around 11am, they’re just past supper time and all tables and counters are still nearly buckling under the weight of the food. They’ll have to send everyone home with leftovers if the flow of people stops. Isabel’s front door has been a turnstile since this morning and Helena knows from experience it’ll likely stay that way until the late hours of the night. Most recently, Helena’s daughters made their appearance, and it’s not at all the reason Helena is back in the kitchen.

Despite coming from opposite ends with different travel distances, Adriana and Sophia arrived within a half hour of each other, a move Helena saw through instantly. The idea that her children coordinated to arrive together instead of risking the possibility of facing their parents alone sets a fire raging in her heart, and she realizes suddenly that she isn’t prepared to be hypervigilant of her every word with all three of her kids here now to push her buttons.

So, she retreats to the kitchen.

She doesn’t expect one of them to follow her in.

“I heard you guys were doing therapy,” Adriana volleys as she approaches.

Helena cracks open the tray of chocolate chip cookies and starts plating them, her face angled down so any kneejerk expression of distaste isn’t as visible. “Apparently, that’s what the cool kids do nowadays.”

“It is,” Adriana agrees, the bangles on her wrists clinking on the countertop as she reaches for the box of oatmeal cookies to plate. She’s a year into her Master’s in communication. What she intends to do with that is a mystery to them. So much of their kids’ lives are a mystery now. Helena closes the lid of the cookie tray hard and relishes in the snap of the plastic groove into the tongue.

“Paying a stranger to tell us when and how to talk to each other is cool,” she bites. It’s not posed as a question, just a bitter acknowledgement.

Adriana is quiet and Helena starts plating mini quiches onto the cookie platter just to stay occupied while her daughter walks away. Sophia is a yeller, she stands her ground and gives as good as she gets. Adriana, however, is a runner, just like Eddie.

But Adriana doesn’t leave in a huff. She turns to the counter and grabs a second platter, moving the mini quiches onto that one.

“It’s cool that you’re open to trying,” she says. “I think that, in any family where there’s love, there’s going to be hurt. And the longer we stay stuck in that hurt, the harder it becomes to talk about it without causing more. We get stuck in patterns that we can’t break out of, and people on the outside can be the best ones to point out those patterns and help you break out of them to get to what you actually, truly want to say.”

Helena knows what she actually, truly wants to say. That’s not the problem. The problem is that none of her kids want to hear it.

“I see a therapist,” Adriana continues. Helena stills and looks at her daughter, calmly arranging the mini quiches into concentric circles. “Since my last year of undergrad. When things got really hard and I couldn’t understand why. They helped me. A lot. Helped me figure out what was wrong and how to get myself through it.”

“You didn’t tell us,” Helena says, her voice thick.

“I know,” her daughter replies simply. “I didn’t know how. I’m telling you now because what I actually, truly want to say is that I’m proud of you and dad for doing this. And maybe if you don’t hate it...maybe we could try a session later too.”

There’s an offer in her daughter’s words, an open hand reaching out. But in that hand, Helena sees her failures as a parent, the judgement of the world for failing her kids, and she doesn’t want to reach her own hand out.

Mom, listen…

Helena looks at her eldest daughter, almost a stranger to her, with an entire life Helena is only starting to realize she has no part in. It hurts — it always hurts when the kids pull away but to realize she didn’t even know the extent of it...she wants to hurt back.

Mom, listen…

But she’s trying so hard to break those patterns Adriana speaks of. So instead, Helena thinks of the therapist’s advice leading them into a piece of Eddie’s life they wouldn’t have otherwise gotten to see and swallows past the indignation in her throat to reach down and find the words she actually, truly wants to say.

“You say when, and I’ll be there.”

———-

The sun is setting when Helena finally agrees to get off her feet and just enjoy the party outside while the cousins take over the serving and cleaning. There are four generations of Diazes gathered around but for the first time ever, most of the cousins are young adults, not teenagers, and it’s nice to be able to pass on the hosting responsibilities to them for a bit.

The sky is clear, the sunset resplendent from Isabel’s backyard, and the conversation is flowing easily. It’s a beautiful evening, warm with a gentle breeze cool enough to let her lean back against Ramon in his lounge chair, one of his arms wrapped loosely around her hip.

For the first time since getting Isabel’s text, Helena feels something like peace wash over her and she almost feels bad for the thrum of vindication in her stomach when she spots Eddie slumped comfortably in an armchair, his legs propped up on another chair.

He’s at home here.

Yes, he was at ease at his captain’s house but this is family, this is where he can really sink into the love and comfort and rest. With his aunts and uncles, cousins and sisters around to take care of him. And Christopher, who spent the afternoon running around and chomping down on all the sugar he could get his hands on, slumped against him, nearly asleep. This is family.

She knows he could find that peace back in El Paso, they both could. Eddie had friends there, and his parents, who knew his son better than he did for most of his life. And there are fires in El Paso same as there are in LA, but less smog, less general insanity.

But Eddie’s a lot like his parents, too much like them maybe, and once he’s decided on a course of action he can’t be swayed. So Helena has made peace with it. Rather, she’s made peace with pretending to be okay with it while she waits for him to come to the realization that he should move back.

And in the meantime, if they can mend this thorniness between them, then maybe she and Ramon can make more of these impromptu trips. Maybe even convince Eddie to come home for Christmas this year. At the very least, go back to regular video chats.

But all that ruminating feels far away right now. She’s moving gently with the rise and fall of Ramon’s chest, and she’s so close to slipping away to the feeling of contentment when a new arrival makes her open eyes she didn’t realize she’d closed.

“Feliz cumpleanos,” she hears someone say in half-decent Spanish from the front door on the other side of the side yard fence.

She doesn’t recognize the voice as yet another cousin or uncle, but Eddie shakes Christopher’s shoulder gently, and says, “hey, guess who’s here.”

It takes a moment, but the words penetrate Christopher’s sleepiness. His eyes pop open and he shimmies out of Eddie’s lap and into his crutches to power walk over to the gate just in time for it to open, admitting Isabel, holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and a sheepish looking Buck behind her.

“Buck!” Christopher yells.

Buck’s smile widens and he immediately opens his arms. “Hey, superman!”

Buck crouches down and Christopher throws his arms around his neck, crutches and all. When it’s time to break apart, Christopher’s still hanging on and Helena feels a stab of dark vindication at what’s about to happen, and the look Ramon sends her way tells her she’s not alone. Because Christopher is now officially in the double digits, and while he’s always been an independent kid, becoming 10 years old was a big deal for him and his perceived level of maturity, and apparently the year he decided no one was allowed to carry him anymore.

And now Christopher’s tired and in the grip of a powerful sugar crash. He’s not going to suffer any indignities, and Helena knows she should feel bad about not trying to stop Buck. About just watching this play out to see him be rejected. But she wasn’t expecting to see him here, in this safe haven of Isabel’s backyard, in this space for family and loved ones, and it rankles her. It feels like everywhere she turns in LA, she finds him there. And his being here is just another nail in the coffin of Eddie stubbornly refusing to let his parents back into his home. That he would call his friend to this party just to avoid letting them give him a ride…

So she’s a little bitter, a little resentful of the persistent, low-key rejection. Sue her. Eddie has made it clear he doesn’t want them interfering anyway so this is on him.

“Christopher,” Eddie calls, a warning to not make a scene.

Buck looks over Christopher’s shoulder and smiles. “He’s fine,” he says.

Then he’s heaving Christopher’s body up into his arms and onto his hip and Christopher…

...Christopher slumps down over Buck’s shoulder like a baby koala. No sound of protest leaves his lips. His face, if it shows any displeasure, is hidden behind Buck’s neck.

And when Eddie gets up, it’s not to intercede, it’s only to grab the errant crutches before they hit something, and to pull his own armless chair out for Buck to sit on because apparently Buck is staying, and apparently Christopher is staying with him.

“He’s a bit old to be carried around, no?” Ramon says with a bite, because he can’t help himself.

Eddie, who’s been watching his son fondly, barely bats an eye. “He gets cuddly when he’s tired, and Buck’s nearly the only one left who’s big enough to carry him.”

“Ah, that’s why you spend so much time developing these,” Pepa says with a sly smile as she pinches at Buck’s bicep. The same familiar pinch she gave her own grandkids’ cheeks.

“Gracias a Dios,” Isabel adds meaningfully.

“That was adrenaline,” Eddie dismisses with a teasing grin.

“That was 100 squats and 50 pushups a day,” Buck returns blithely. “...and maybe a little adrenaline.”

“What’s this?” Ramon asks before she can.

Instead of prompting more teasing, the mood falls slightly and everyone looks to each other.

Finally, Eddie sighs. “When I got shot, Buck army crawled under a ladder truck to get me out and lifted me into the truck to get to the hospital.”

It strikes Helena suddenly, shamefully, that in the shock of finding out they’d missed the event itself, the hospital stay, and two entire weeks of healing, that they’d never circled back around for details on what actually went down the day it happened.

She never thought to wonder how he got off that street. How he got to the hospital. Who might have saved his life.

And she wishes she were a better person then. Wishes that learning Buck saved her son’s life overpowered her irritation at having him sitting here in Isabel’s backyard like he belonged here when Helena herself barely felt like she did herself. It does help, though.

“They released the street footage of the shooting,” Pepa continues quietly. “It’s on YouTube. Before I even knew it happened, Marguerita from church just sent me a link saying ‘they said it’s a Diaz, do you know him?’ and I saw.”

The idea of her son’s shooting being passed around like a cat video makes Helena sick, but Pepa lamenting how she hadn’t known when she learned about it in a matter of hours and sat on it for weeks…

“I wouldn’t recommend it,” Pepa says decisively. “But they have an angle where you can see our Buck here go and get Eddie, pick him up like he doesn’t weigh a thing and get him into the truck to get to the hospital. Probably why he’s alive today. So gracias a Dios for those squats.”

Eddie and Buck are both looking away, both looking safely at Christopher while the table digests the news.

“If you were looking for a story of something really dumb, I can point you in the direction of another video of Buck,” Eddie says, his tone jovial but his eyes strained.

“You need to let that go,” Buck says in a definite whine.

“Do I?” Eddie asks. “Abuela did you see the video of the firefighter who went up the crane all alone?”

“Dios mío, Buck,” Pepa laments.

“Did you send it to me?” Abuela asks her, pulling out her phone and her glasses to check.

“No, mamá, it was an idiot firefighter but I didn’t realize it was the one we knew.”

“In the middle of an all-out declaration of war on firefighters,” Eddie begins, quietly for Christopher’s sake, but impassioned, sitting up in his chair, “this idiota and his squat count climbed up a crane ladder, completely exposed and defenseless—”

Buck looks pained. “I was wearing a bulletproof vest and a helmet. And that’s the job sometimes—”

“The paramedics’ job, actually, which you aren’t. So, no, that wasn’t the job.” Eddie’s tone edges into something darker without his meaning to. He takes a drink of his lemonade looking for all the world like he wished it was a beer. “And you know that or I wouldn’t have found out about it from Chim a month after the fact.”

Helena clenches her jaw tight and squeezes Ramon’s hand even tighter so neither of them can say, So you have a problem being left in the dark too?

“Buck,” Isabel sighs with disappointment.

Buck winces. “It was before— ” He cuts himself off, his wide eyes darting towards Helena and Ramon of all people.

“Hmm,” Isabel answers noncommittally, as if to end the conversation.

Just then, Sophia brings out a platter of bite-sized desserts, making the rounds of the whole circle for people to pick at before leaving it on the table. The opportunity to move on is there. That doesn’t mean they’re interested in taking it.

“Before what?” Ramon asks, his tone is forcibly casual.

The silence that greets Ramon’s question is heavy. Guilty. When Helena casts her eyes around, she’s greeted by stiff shoulders and a mix of apprehension shared between her son, her mother- and sister-in-law, and Buck.

Mom, listen...

“Before what?” Helena repeats, her voice uncompromising.

———-

The fight they have in Isabel’s guest bedroom is a Hall of Famer. It’s a screaming match, no doubt about it. The doors from the bedroom to the yard are all closed but there’s no question every member of the family — and Buck — can hear every word.

“Do you really hate us that much?” Helena demands. She’s crying but she doesn’t know if it’s heartbreak or fury, she just wishes it’d stop so she could lean into her anger. “Genuinely, honestly, Eddie.”

“I don’t hate you,” he protests, keeping his own voice down, making it seem like they’re irrational for their anger.

“Bullshit,” she spits.

“You must!” Ramon adds. “You hate us so much that you have to hate your sisters too? Your cousins? You would rather leave your only son to a stranger, some gringo coworker, than with family? That’s how much you hate us? Hate our name?”

“Our name?” Eddie shoots back incredulously. “What are you talking about, our name? We’re not royalty, papi, and Chris’ name would never change.”

“You would leave him to your coworker,” Helena stresses, disgust dripping from her tongue.

“To my best friend,” Eddie retorts, “who Christopher adores, if you haven’t noticed. And who adores Christopher right back.”

“That’s not normal, mijo,” Ramon warns.

“Jesus christ,�� Eddie seethes. “Please do not star—”

“What kind of single adult man bonds with another man’s child like that?”

“You’re describing a tío, you understand that right? What, you think it’s weird that Pepa loves me like her own? You think Sophia should stay away from Chris too?”

“That’s family,” Helena argues.

“And they’re women!”

“Ramon, shut up,” Helena snaps.

“Buck is our family, and he’s a man, and he’s got the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. If anything happened to me, Christopher would be taken care of like if I was still here.”

“Buck, the one who nearly got him killed in the tsunami? That’s the same guy right?” Ramon throws out, his eyes a little wild as he paces.

“The one who saved his life in that tsunami, despite being injured and then some. And the one who’s saved my life more times than I can count, including from being gunned down on the street. We’d both probably be dead if not f— ”

“Isn’t he the one who’s family is worse off than ours?” Helena recalls. “So he has no family, no support, no girlfriend even! So a worse position than you’re in now. That’s what you want to leave him with.”

“He doesn’t need a girlfriend to raise Christopher right, I don’t! And he has a great sister, he has the 118, he has Carla, and he has our family. You think Abuela and Pepa would shut the door on him? He’d be here every Sunday, with Christopher, just like I am.”

“And what does your girlfriend think of this?” Ramon presses. “The vice principal, she thinks this is normal?”

“Ana doesn’t have anything to do with this,” Eddie says, frowning.

Helena balks. “You think the woman you’ve been seeing seriously for nearly a year has nothing to do with long-term decisions about your son? You think maybe she wouldn’t want the option of taking Christopher in if something happened to you?”

“That’s not happening, he’s going to Buck and that’s final.”

“What’s going on with you and this gringo?” Ramon asks suspiciously. “Are you even going out with Ana or was that another lie?”

“Ramon, don’t go there,” Helena sighs, her heart clenching. That’s all they need in this clusterfuck, that layer of pain.

“No, let’s go there because you know what?” Eddie asks darkly. “There is no one on this planet I trust with my son more than Buck and yeah, if we need to lay it all out there, that includes the two of you. I know you love Christopher, just like I know Shannon loved him, but that’s not always going to be enough. Buck isn’t going to fill my son’s head with ideas about the wrong kind of way to love someone. He’s not going to tell him he’s not good enough for his family to love him or support him. Buck’s going to make sure Christopher grows up to follow his heart and find whatever makes him happiest in the world, no matter what that looks like.”

“How could you think—”

“What if he grows up to be gay?” Eddie asks pointedly, staring his father down. “You’re telling me you’re going to be the one to help him pick out a suit to go to prom with his boyfriend?”

Ramon purses his lips but tries, “it’s a different world now,” as if he hadn’t just tried to make crass insinuations just to hurt his son.

“Okay,” Eddie says, not believing him for a moment, “what if he’s trans? Tells you at 15 that he’s a girl and he wants to transition. You’re going to get him on hormone therapy?”

“Eddie that’s not—”

“What if he’s 20 and he tells you he got a girl pregnant by accident and he doesn’t know her enough to love her, and he’s not ready to be a father let alone a husband?”

Helena tries to speak but her throat is suddenly too tight for words to get out.

“You gonna tell him he’s not a man if he doesn’t marry her anyway?”

Ramon says nothing.

“Christopher is going to Buck, and that’s final.”

——————-

Helena and Ramon don’t show up for the third therapy session.

Their plane tickets were only for three weeks, originally, and as the days run out, they don’t talk about extensions.

———-

Helena is sitting out in Isabel’s backyard, trying to conjure up that feeling of serenity she got to bask in for all of two minutes the night of the birthday party.

It’s not working.

They’re going back to El Paso tomorrow, leaving their relationship with Eddie in worse straits than when they arrived.

There’s always been a tension between them and Eddie, but there’s also always been love and respect, and that love and respect formed a polite barrier around the things they couldn’t talk about. It kept their relationship safe. Kept them from getting too close to real honesty where things hurt in ways that couldn’t be walked back.

It feels now like that barrier has fallen. That Eddie’s finally reached the limit of what he could hold back and now there’s nothing to help them pretend everything is okay. Nothing to help Helena believe this is all something that could blow over.

That’s to say nothing of Christopher, who’s never felt as far away as he does now, even while they linger in the same city, only a couple dozen blocks away.

Helena scrolls listlessly through her phone’s camera roll for the last few weeks. There are pictures of Christopher mostly, but Eddie and the rest of the family are there too. It hurts to notice how Eddie is markedly happier in the shots where he’s looking away from the camera. Away from her.

Mom, listen…

Helena opens up Instagram and lets herself forget for a moment that anything is wrong. On Instagram, there is only joy and fun. And Buck.

Eddie hasn’t posted anything to his account in months but starting from the end and working backwards, Buck features heavily. He’s in at least a third of the pictures, usually with Christopher. One of the posts includes a short video that she watches. It’s of the day they unveiled the adapted skateboard, and it nourishes her soul. There’s no sadness here, or tension, only pure radiating happiness and excitement. It’s magical.

And it’s meaningful.

Mom, listen…

Helena is out of her chair and pocketing Isabel’s car keys before she can talk herself out of it. The drive to Eddie’s house is made with a carefully blank mind. She knows if she lets herself think about what she’s going to say, she’s going to spiral and get to a place where all this fear and sadness turn dark and ugly, and she can’t afford to risk it.

Finally, she’s knocking gently on a front door she’s only seen three times in the weeks she’s been here.

Buck answers the door.

————-

The house is quiet when Helena steps in.

She doesn’t bother taking her shoes off this time, she’s not sure how long she’ll be allowed to stay. But she notices that the space where her shoes would have gone is taken up by a pair of large boots she imagines fit perfectly on Buck’s feet.

Buck disappears into the living room and she follows quietly after him. The lights are off but the muted tv glows brightly enough for her to see Eddie reclined on his back on the couch, sleeping, and Buck sitting down on the edge of the coffee table to shake his arm.

Eddie’s always been a light sleeper, especially after the army and Christopher. He doesn’t wake easily now.

He’s wearing the sling, but it’s the only indication that anything is amiss with him. There’s no sign of pain or worry on his face, no tension in his shoulders. He’s practically melted into the recesses of the couch. He’s a picture of comfort. And why shouldn’t he be? He’s in his home, away from family, from expectations, and judgements. Just him and Christopher. And Buck.

Eddie finally takes a deep breath that shows his body is coming around but his eyes stay closed. Buck is murmuring something but she only catches, “ — mom — here.”

Then, at last, Eddie’s eyelids part, and the deep laxness of his body disappears almost in the blink of an eye.

“What?” he croaks, already trying to sit up.

Buck’s hands are already moving to support his back.

“ — says she wants to apologize.”

Eddie scoffs and sits upright, feet firmly planted on the floor as he blinks himself awake.

“Mom?”

“I’m here,” she says, stepping closer into the light of the tv.

Buck catches Eddie’s eye and they have an entire conversation in five silent seconds that ends with Buck nodding and getting up from the table, watching Helena warily as she approaches further.

“Watch your eyes,” Buck says quietly to Eddie before flipping the wall switch and illuminating the room. He lingers for a moment, clearly undecided about leaving, before saying, “I’ll be in the kitchen.”

Finally, Helena is alone with her son in his home. The quiet is almost peaceful, she doesn’t want to break it. Eddie does instead.

“Buck said you wanted to apologize, so I’m assuming he misheard,” Eddie says wryly.

There are pillow creases on the side of his face and Helena can’t remember the last time she saw him look so disheveled, so at home. It makes her heart ache for the days when she’d have to force him out of bed at noon on weekends, drive him to wrestling practice early in the morning, watch over him as he slept sometimes, just to make sure he was okay.

“Shockingly, no,” she smiles sadly.

Eddie blinks up at her for a moment before shifting down on the couch, leaving her some room to sit. She takes the invitation, but once she’s sitting down with Eddie’s full attention on her, she realizes not preparing what she wanted to say might have been a mistake. She has no idea where to begin. What scab to pick at that won’t cause more bleeding.

Then she remembers Adriana’s words.

What is it, under all the posturing, all the hurt feelings, all the history and baggage...what is it she actually, truly wants to say?

“I’m sorry I missed therapy.”

Eddie huffs a surprised laugh. “Of all the things…”

“I know, I know,” she rolls her eyes. “But I am. I…” She forces herself to slow down and consider her words. “I realize that therapy was an olive branch for you. One we took way too late and I’m...I’m just so fucking grateful we were able to take it at all, in the end.”

The tears are coming and there’s nothing she can do to stop them. They gather in the corner of her eyes and she tries to blink them away but has to settle for wiping away the ones that fall anyway.

“You were right,” she says. “You said — and your sister said, and the therapist said — that there’s a lot of hurt, and it’s become too hard to...to connect with each other because of it. And therapy is probably the only bridge through that. So even though I was pissed at you, I should have showed up.”

She hazards a look up at Eddie to find his brown eyes wide and cautiously wondering.

“Therapy is what’s going to help us and the only way to fail at it is to not show up.” It’s what the therapist had said in their first session. It had sounded like an easy thing to do then. “And that’s not okay. I’m not going to do that again.”

Eddie nods and looks away. His fingernails are flicking nervously against each other — a habit he picked up from her. “Is dad on the same page as you?”

Helena takes a deep breath, and blows out, “No, your dad is looking for a match to light the page on fire.”

Eddie rolls his eyes but there’s heavy hurt behind the indifference.

“I hid all of them,” Helena offers, “and left Abuela with the fire extinguisher.”

That gets a small smile.

“I really expected you to be more pissed about it than him,” Eddie says, he reclines against the arm of the sofa but no part of him looks comfortable with this conversation.

“Oh, I am—” The rage swells up in her. The outrage and indignation. But again, Adriana’s voice comes to her. “I...am...really, truly hurt, Eddie. I feel...I feel like you told me I’m not good enough to love Christopher how he needs.”

Eddie’s face collapses with disbelief. “You mean the way you’ve been making me feel since he was born? Are you kidding me?”

“What?”

“Since the moment Shannon got pregnant, you’ve both been hammering it in on us that we’d never be enough, we’d never be good enough for him. Why do you think I joined the army? Why do you think Shannon ran?”

The accusation makes her breathless, it makes that familiar rage bubble up closer to the surface. “Shannon made her own choices, you’re not going to pin that on us. And so did you.”

“No, I can’t pin that on you. She did choose to leave,” he concedes, his voice hardening. “But you spent five years telling her over and over that nothing she ever did was good enough, and when I got back you did the same to me! ‘Don’t drag him down with you.’ Does that ring any bells?”

“I spent five years helping her, being a second parent to Christopher when she was in over her head. She needed help. She wasn’t cut out—”

“No, she wasn’t,” Eddie agrees. “Neither of us were. We were stupid fucking kids who barely knew each other. She was supposed to get back on a plane to California when the semester was done and instead we got married in the backyard because you told us that’s what we had to do.”

“Jesus Christ, Eddie. You want to blame me for Christopher being born? For raising him in a family with two parents?”

“You’re not listening,” Eddie spits.

“I’m listening to you say over and over how I ruined your life because I didn’t let Shannon get an abortion. And that’s somehow the reason to keep us out of Christopher’s life now?”

“No, you’re not—” Eddie closes his eyes and clenches his jaw. “I love Christopher with everything I am. If I had the chance to go back and do everything differently, I wouldn’t. I would never. Being his father is the most important thing I’ve ever done.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I’m saying, I was a kid in over my head and my parents didn’t know what was best for me. Didn’t know how to help me. And I figured that out on my own, I grew up and became the man I am now on my own.” She wants to argue but he’s on a roll. “And that’s fine, no parent is perfect. I know I’m going to make mistakes and I hope to god Christopher can forgive me, so I need to forgive you yours. But I need you to see me, now. I need you to look at me and realize I’m not that kid you put in a suit in the backyard. I’m not the kid that signed up to get shot at instead of facing his life. I’m not that kid anymore, mom. I’m not.”

“I see that, Eddie.”

“No, you don’t. Because if you did, you wouldn’t constantly be telling me I need to move back to El Paso to take proper care of Christopher. You’d see that our lives are here now. I have a job I love and pays what we need. Christopher loves his school, his friends. He’s a popular, genius kid. He’s happy. I’m happy. And we’re doing good. But you don’t see that. You see that dumbass, scared kid making his next mistakes. And I’m sorry but I’m not going to let you drag me back into that spiral. If you need to be the parent to that kid, I can’t be the kid you’re parenting. I’ve grown up, mom.”

“So,” Helena clears her throat, hoping the waver in it will clear too. “That’s what the guardianship is? We...lost sight of you growing up. We didn’t give you what you needed. So you’re punishing us?”

Eddie sighs as if she didn’t understand.

“No, you know what? No, I’m sorry,” she switches tracks, her voice hard, “how are we supposed to see this new person you’ve become, Eddie? You left El Paso, left us behind, you won’t come home for holidays, you even stopped posting on Instagram, and when we come here to see you’re alive you won’t even let us into your home. So how? How are we supposed to see this magical transformation when you won’t let us in?”

Eddie watches her for a moment, weighing his words. “You show up for therapy.”

And that takes the wind out of her sails.

That’s what she came here for.

To apologize.

Not keep yelling.

Mom, listen…

Helena takes two deep breaths and crooks a smile. “Yeah.”

“You yell a lot.”

Christopher’s voice startles them both, pulling a short grunt of pain from Eddie as his shoulder jerks back. Christopher is leaning against the wall into the living room, wearing the disgruntled pout of someone who was woken up for no good reason.

“Christopher…” Eddie begins, trying to leverage himself off the couch.

Helena pushes him back down, and turns to Christopher, opening her arms.

“I do,” Helena admits softly, as Christopher comes over and leans into her side. “I do yell a lot. I’m...trying to yell less.”

“Dad never yells.”

Eddie smiles tiredly.

“Hmm,” Helena agrees, “I think there’s a lot of things I need to learn from your daddy.”

Christopher nods, his eyes drooping. “He’s the best,” he says, snuggling into her shoulder. She’s getting on a plane tomorrow so she takes the opportunity to relish in this hug, and press a long kiss on his curls.

“Ah, I thought I heard an escape artist on the prowl,” Buck says as he turns the corner.

“We woke him up,” Eddie says redundantly. “We’ll keep it quiet now, buddy.”

“K,” Christopher mumbles.

“Okay, buddy, let’s get you back to bed” Buck says quietly as he leans over to carefully scoop him into his arms. Christopher’s arms loop around his neck like he’s done it a million times, and his head falls to Buck’s shoulder.

“Buck’s the best too,” Christopher mumbles.

Buck’s ducks his face away.

“That’s what I hear,” Helena allows in a tone she hopes is gracious.

As they leave, they can hear Christopher say, “they stole your bed.”

Buck responds but it’s too quiet for them to follow the rest of the conversation.

Eddie ducks his head and sighs.

“That’s why you were keeping us away?” Helena asks, her voice more gentle than she thought she could muster at this point. “Because Buck’s crashing on your couch?”

Now that she’s looking, she spots the folded duvet stacked on the chair in the corner, the pillows tucked neatly below. It only makes her more aware that she found Eddie sleeping soundly on the very same couch.

“I didn’t — I didn’t want questions. I didn’t want dad’s look, the same look he has every time Buck comes up. The same look—” Eddie sighs harshly. “I didn’t feel like fielding questions. He was here for Christopher when I was in the hospital and when I came home… He helps. A lot.”

Helena nods pensively, and surprises herself by finding a kernel of gratitude towards Buck burgeoning in her chest.

“So, speaking of fucking up as parents,” she begins with a crooked smile that fades by the end of the phrase. She doesn’t know how to finish that sentence so she starts a new one. “The...hurt that piles up, that makes it hard to talk through...does some of it come from Matty?”

She can see an instinct flare up in her son to shake his head and dismiss the topic, but he doesn’t let it take hold. It’s time to face this.

“It didn’t help,” he admits.

Eddie and Matty met in sixth grade and became best friends almost instantly. They spent weekends in sleepovers, fought off other classmates to be each others’ group project partners, and spent every summer going to the same camps. Matty was an honorary Diaz before they even hit their teens.

Five years later, Matty came out to his family, and then to theirs. His parents took it well, Eddie’s parents didn’t.

The sleepovers stopped, the summer camps stopped, and if Ramon could have sent Eddie to another class he would have.

The day he came out to them was the last day he stepped foot in the Diaz home, a natural consequence of Ramon having run him out with caustic, angry words.

“We…” Helena licks her lips and looks away to gather her thoughts. “There’s a lot of reasons we reacted the way we did. Ignorance, more than anything. It really was a different world back then. But...the world has kept turning, things have kept changing and we can’t pretend to be ignorant anymore.” She looks Eddie in the eye to say, “we were wrong. We were wrong to chase him away. And if the day comes that Christopher is gay or trans or any of the other words we haven’t learned yet, we’re going to love him just as much as we do now.”

Eddie keeps her gaze for a moment before nodding. “I’m glad to hear it.” The way his shoulders gather near his ears says he doesn’t believe her though he’s trying.

Because when Eddie and Matty stood shoulder to shoulder to tell Ramon and Helena the news, Matty wasn’t the only one crushed. And they know, somewhere deep down, that their reaction was as extreme as it was because they were never fully sure if the hurt in Eddie’s eyes was on behalf of his best friend, or if they exploded before more news could be told.

And it still scares Helena to this day, to this very moment sitting on her son’s couch. It’s why they welcomed Shannon at first, the first girl Eddie really brought home, even though they didn’t approve of her overall.

But she knows now that there’s nothing anymore, not her pride, not her ignorance, that will stop her from trying to bridge the gap between them. So she continues deliberately, “and if this new, grown up version of you comes with any of those words, we’re not going to love you any less either.”

His eyes widen and for a moment she’s looking at her 17 year old son in the living room, eyes wide as Matty runs out of the house. She wishes this moment could replace that one, stamp out that mistake forever. But it can’t, so she has to make this one count even more.

“I’ll still be here, and I’m listening. I...I see you,” she says. “You and Christopher. I see you settled in so well here, even now with your injury.”

Eddie remains quiet, but apprehension creeps across his face and his eyes dart behind her where Buck and Christopher disappeared.

“I see the boots at the entrance,” she continues, her voice pitched low, “the extra toothbrush you forgot to hide away. The tupperwares full of food Isabel and Ana didn’t make. But more than anything, I see Buck. Everywhere.” A smile creeps up her lips. “The only place I didn’t see him was at brunch with Ana and call me crazy but I feel like you would have preferred he was there too.”

Eddie’s lip is being chewed to within an inch of its life, and his eyes are trained on the couch cushion.

“Hey,” she taps his knee. “You...grew up to be a good man, and a good father.” The words are so many years too late but she’s grateful to see them land as Eddie’s eyes begin to shimmer. “And you deserve everything you want for Christopher. Happiness, whatever that looks like.”

Eddie swallows thickly and clears his throat. “And dad?”

“Dad...has his head too far up his own ass to see or hear anything,” Helena admits. “But he’s due for a colonoscopy soon so I’ll work on it.”

Eddie chokes on a laugh that catches him off-guard and suddenly they’re both laughing, quietly so they don’t wake Christopher up again.

When they recover, Eddie invites her to the kitchen for a drink, where Buck is packing Christopher’s lunch for school tomorrow.

When she leaves, her stomach is in knots she imagines won’t smooth out for a few weeks yet, but a weight’s been lifted off her chest and her heart is full in a way it hasn’t been in years.

When she lands in El Paso, her phone pings with a message from Eddie: Hope you had a good flight. Free Friday for a call?

———-

When Friday comes, after catching up with Christopher, Eddie tells them he broke it off with Ana.

Helena digs her nails into Ramon’s knee instinctively, but she prepared him well and despite his continued reservations, all he says is, “That’s too bad, mijo.”

———-

Two months of virtual therapy and video chats later, Eddie tells them he’s bisexual. They react the way they should have all those years ago, and Helena tries to be grateful they got to have this moment at all instead of mourn for the years Eddie lost because of them.

There’s no mention of Buck, but Eddie’s eyes flit fondly over the laptop screen every once in a while at Christopher and someone else off-screen.

The call takes place at 8am LA time, and the sling has been gone for nearly three weeks.

———

At Christmas, Eddie and Christopher are waiting for them with smiles on their faces at LAX’s baggage claim. When they get home, Buck is there opening the door and helping them with their luggage.

Isabel isn’t there to mediate but supper that evening goes smoothly. The tension that lurks is anticipatory on all sides, a feeling of this being too good to last. But by dessert, everyone is sitting back in their chairs and smiling. And when Buck rounds the table to start the clean up, he places a hand on Eddie’s shoulder, his thumb brushing the back of Eddie’s neck, and Helena watches as the last bit of strain melts out of his body.

The basket of gauze is nowhere to be found in the bathroom, nor is the purple toothbrush. Instead, there’s a third electric toothbrush standing in line with the rest.

Helena’s been keeping an eye out for opportunities to follow Adriana’s advice. To find the words she actually, truly means, and say them before she runs out of time. So before turning in, she takes Eddie aside and tells him, “I’m really happy you found your home here in LA. I’m really proud of the family you’ve made.”

And when she closes her arms around him, she can feel him fold into her like he used to as a kid, no polite distance or anxiety. Just comfort.

[jennagrinsoverml]

ML Fic Recs - Angst

I’m back with another Miraculous Ladybug rec list! As before, I’m trying to rec fics that readers are less likely to have read, generally trying to keep to under 500 kudos on AO3. You can find my other rec lists on my blog under #jennarecsml

If you enjoy these, please reblog so more readers can find these awesome fics!

I’m a sucker for fics that hurt me. The sting of rejection, the pangs of unrequited love, the hurt and the suffering yesssss, give it all to me!! Read these fics and come suffer with me! (Most have happy or at least bittersweet endings.)

Persuasion by InkyCoffee

Of course, she probably wasn’t going to be there in person. And if she was, she may not even remember him. And if she did, she would probably throw him out without an interview.

She would be well within her rights.

He didn’t deserve to be in her presence.

Still, he hoped.

She was why he was back here, after all.

One-shot. Adrienette. Post-relationship (i.e. they were together but they’re not anymore.) and post-Hawkmoth defeat. Adrien knows. And worse than that, he knows he’s responsible for breaking her heart. My hearttttttt, it breaks. The tension between them just hurts in the best way. But this is seriously beautiful.

Alone by plikki

Adrien thought he knew what it meant to be alone, but he had never felt like that before in his life.

One-shot. Set after S4 Gang of Secrets, this fic just HURTS because Adrien is hurting and it’s even worse because we know that something like this is probably coming. Plikki’s Adrien characterization is perfect. There’s no comfort to be found here, but you should still read it.

our hands would not be taught to hold another's by @ladyofthenoodle

Adrien knew that wasn’t fair to blame Ladybug for this. There were rules, and now that Master Fu was gone, it was her job as the Guardian to enforce them. There were rules, and he knew the rules, and he broke them. He hadn’t meant to, but he did.

That didn’t make losing the ring hurt any less.

Plagg shot Ladybug a skeptical look. “And you really think you can do this without him?”

Ladybug bit her lip. “I… I don’t know. But I have to. It’s my job, I shouldn’t need… I should be able to do it with anyone."

But… maybe there couldn’t be Ladybug without Chat Noir. Ladybug by itself didn’t sound nearly as cool.

Multi-chapter. I put off reading this fic for the longest time because I didn’t know if I could handle the angst of Ladybug taking the ring from Adrien, and I really regret that because it’s SO FREAKING AMAZING. Missnoodles does a fantastic job of exploring their relationship and their characters and really does the work of exploring all the feelings. I really can’t sell this one enough.

Anhedonia/When Adrien Met Marinette... by @mikauzoran

Chat Noir hadn’t been lying when he told Ladybug he’d moved on. It was only when he found out that Ladybug was Marinette that he realized he was wrong. Meanwhile, Marinette thinks that she’s missed her chance when Adrien insists that he’s gotten over his feelings. Now, they’re roommates and making themselves miserable as they pine for one another, thinking the situation’s hopeless. Things finally come to a head, and they’re forced to sit down and have an honest conversation about their feelings.

One-shot. Adrien is pining and feeling unlovable, and wow, do you ever feel all of his pain and anxiety seeping out of every word. This is just so heartbreakingly beautiful with a happy ending.

when you weren't mine to lose by @bugsandchatons

Change is a scary thing, especially when it feels like nothing has stayed the same.

It's been a year since Marinette became the Guardian of the Miracle Box - a year of struggling beneath a burden she never asked for, a weight that has her leaning on her partner more and more as the hours fly by, of letting him come to her, too, when he needs a soft place to land. A year of falling for the boy who takes on the world by her side with a smile made of sunlight, and fighting the growing urge to tell him what he means to her.

After all, they'll have time enough for that when Paris is safe.

But when the unthinkable happens, Marinette learns the tragedy of loving someone quietly, and the lines she'll cross to save him.

Multi-chapter. This is what happens when Ladybug loses Chat Noir. It hurts in all the best ways and the writing is absolutely gorgeous and somehow we still get a happy ending!

Echoes of You by @kittinoir

In the day time, she's Marinette - a normal girl, with a normal life. A normal girl, with a normal life. A normal girl, with...

Multi-chapter. You know the angst train everyone’s been riding since we learned in Miracle Queen that renouncing the miracle box costs the guardian their memories? Kittinoir murders us with it. Marinette’s got giant gaps in her memory she’s struggling to understand while Adrien is desperately trying to figure out just what the hell happened to his lady. Lots of angst and a mystery and this fic is one hell of a ride from start to finish! (There’s also a sequel that’s a WIP but I haven’t started reading it yet.)

balancing act by @fictionalinfinity

“Besides, being Ladybug always came first. It came before school, friends, and sometimes even family. Now it had to come before her health. Marinette had a duty to Paris. She wouldn’t let them down.”

Or, being both Ladybug and the Guardian starts to take its toll on Marinette.

-

the epilepsy au literally no one asked for

Multi-chapter. Oooh boy. Fictionalinfinity does an amazing job of weaving these new symptoms into the existing canon in a way that feels completely organic and believable. The characterizations are AMAZING, and the conflict is just so completely believable and absolutely heart-wrenching.

I swear I’ll let you go in the morning by plikki

When you lose all certainty in your life, you hold onto the only person that keeps you from falling apart.

One-shot. Hawk Moth’s identity is revealed and as a result, Ladybug and Chat Noir share their identities with each other. Not nearly as angsty as some of the other fics on this list, but have some sweet hurt/comfort after all of that.

When Push Comes to Shove by @thatanonwiththeoc​

Adrien had lost everything after he ran away from her in that sewer. His miraculous, his kwami, his Lady.

However, little did he know that she caught a glance of him without him knowing it, and she wasn't about to let him leave just yet.

One-shot. Set after the NY Special. Once Marinette realizes who ran away from him, it changes everything and the way they interact is just sad and sweet and lovely. The happy ending makes up for all the hurt!

Cut here because of spoilers for season 4 below

Behind the Masks by @mikauzoran

Ladybug’s announcement that she revealed her identity to someone and her insistence that she and Chat Noir still have to keep their identities secret from each other leave Chat Noir in fear of akumatization. When he goes to Marinette for help, she realizes just how badly she’s screwed up and becomes determined to make things right between her and her partner.

One-shot. Set after S4 Gang of Secrets, this was exactly the kind of angst-fest I wanted. Adrien has a lot of buried issues and we’re seeing that explored more in season 4. But Adrien doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge any of that. But here he does and it’s beautiful and the ending asdfghjkl please read!!!

[cirrus-grey]

Hi, I'm one of the anons that sometimes pops in with questions about your insight, and I had another question if that's okay? In 158, Martin says that if protecting Jon made him drift further away, so what, because he'd already grieved for him. They definitely were friends by the end of season 3, so do you think Martin needed to accept he'd hurt Jon by isolating himself to keep him safe (and of course there was also his Loneliness added to the mix)? Because I kind of can't imagine him not knowing he means something to Jon by that point. And if he knew he would hurt Jon, how fucking sad it is that he suffered through his own pain and also this knowledge to protect Jon :(

Hello again! Questions are always welcome :)

It is extremely sad indeed. I agree with you, I do believe Martin knew that Jon cared about him by the end of S3, and he knew from the start that keeping his distance would hurt Jon. (Heck, even if he didn't, he got pretty solid and constant proof that his absence was hurting Jon over S4)

His error in judgement came from not realizing how much it hurt Jon; as you say, he was sinking deep into Loneliness and already had a whole bucket of self-worth issues on top of that: even with all of Jon's actions in S4, I don't think Martin really processed that Jon cared for him just as much as he cared for Jon, and that Jon would never recover from losing him. He was able to accept that his actions were hurting Jon, because he thought that hurt would be temporary: eventually, Martin would be gone, Jon would move on and forget about him, and everything would be alright. (Except, y'know, for Martin. But he considered his own happiness a fair sacrifice in exchange for Jon's)

I'm not really going anywhere with this, other than to say I completely agree with you. Just... S4, man. It hurts :(

[ginjointsintheworld]

After a year of ingesting the show by way of your tags, I finally, finally watched New Amsterdam(the day I caught up is the day they got cancelled; ah, life)and even though I went into it knowing what would happen, I’m still Very Upset at how their breakup went down. And the fact that they even broke up because the reason was so forced and unnecessary? I was half hoping I would be too annoyed by that mess to care anymore but unfortunately they have me by the neck(Lauren went vegetarian for Leyla like if that isn’t true love then idk what is because what!)and seeing them go from 🤬to🥺😍 and seeing Lauren get so soft and genuinely happy after seasons and seasons of pain and suffering is amazing. I only wish Leyla got more of everything: screentime, plot, friends, the works. She’s lovely and smart and beautiful and would fit in the NA-verse even without Lauren, if only they’d give her a chance. Fingers crossed she sticks around for the last season because I love her and can’t have her story end like this. I’ll riot.

anon 2:

how are we feeling about the new amsterdam thing?

anon 3:

Just heard the about New Amsterdam ending next season and I’m so sad. I just hope Lauren’s journey has closure where they take it.

tbh i figured the show would probably only get to s6 at max but i can't say i'm too surprise that the network called it at s5. the writing was on the wall with the actors and producers getting other projects lined up and 5 seasons is a respectable run for a show. i am surprise though that it's a reduced season and not a full order. i mean, 13 episodes is less than what s3 had and that was filmed in the height of the pandemic.

but my personal apologies to anon who got sucked in via my tags only for *waves hand* this fsldjklf. on the potential brightside, since the writers know about s5 being the last, that means they have a chance to properly give the show a send off season it deserves. i think they writers and producers thought they had a s6 in the bag and wrote s3 and s4 as they did in an attempt to ~inject drama~ for content even though that's a questionable and unnatural storytelling tactic lol. well. unless you've had years to hone the craft like grey's, i guess. the show runner even mentioned in an interview that they cooked up floyd's drama with lyn because, and i quote, "we can't make it that easy for him. it's season 3!" though i'd argue that literally nothing has been easy for lauren in the lifespan of this show. so if anything, SHE should have been spared the drama at the end of s3 and s4 because she's paid her damn pound of suffering flesh!!! but anyways.

"I was half hoping I would be too annoyed by that mess to care anymore but unfortunately they have me by the neck" FKDSJKDSL god what a mood, anon. that's me watching every new episode of NA in 4b thinking, 'maybe this is the time i'll be pushed over the edge into the sweet relief of indifference' but alas, every time, it is not. i'm invested and desperately in need for these two to get back to their sappy, snarky, smitten era.

i'm inclined to think that these writers /do/ want happy endings for their characters and given how much they've openly spoken about loving lauren and leyla's relationship, they'll reunite them for s5. otherwise it seems unduly cruel to close out the show with lauren just living with losing the love of her life as a lesson for fucking up (and given that she's said she's going to regret losing leyla for the rest of her life, i think that label is basically canon). my hope and dream is that the writers say fuck it and promote some of the reoccuring characters to main for s5, including leyla and we get much more of her integrating into the entire NA world. like you said, she fits in so well and there's so much potential still to explore with her character outside of her relationship with lauren. not to mention, GIVE ME MY FLOYD AND LEYLA DYNAMIC GENERAL SURGERY POWER DUO DAMNIT!!! also since we're on the topic of hopes and dreams, on my knees, begging the writers to introduce vanessa bloom so we can see lauren finally get closure there.

[moonlayl]

Okay okay, how do you feel about Daisy and the team season 7? I tend to move from loving it to wondering if the team is holding her back, trauma-wise, allowing her to fill her voids but not giving her the space to fully heal, herself. It hurts to see her reaction to the team splitting up, because she doesn’t have anywhere else to go. 100% for the team and Daniel, I just want this sunshine to be okay on her own, too. Also, did you notice Daisy gives the best hugs?!

Ooh good question anon (sorry for the late reply) This ended up becoming a bit aos critical and the team negative, even though I’m trying to be positive.

For me on the show, I reached a point where I was disappointed in the found family trope. I felt like Daisy considered the team a family, but most of them had their own thing going on and didn't necessarily think of her as family. Honestly, other than Daisy (maybe Coulson and May as well but that was swept under the rug and kind of ignored ) no one else seemed to really need the team. Sure we've been told countless times that they all consider each other family, but like... it's pretty clear they all consider each other as close and as friends but not as a family to stick with.

Daisy's sadness at the whole 'last mission' and how seemingly no one else shared that sentiment is proof of that.

And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Like of course they're all supposed to grow and start to live their own lives and focus on themselves because throughout the show they've suffered and been through so much and they shouldn't be expected to stay on the same team that will constantly endanger them, but it seemed like no one was really surprised other than Daisy.

I do think that towards the later seasons, they do start to hold her back. Specifically when it reaches a point where her being with Shield left her in a worst place than she was before joining shield.

At the beginning of season 1, Daisy was a lonely traumatized person desperate to find out who she was and desperate for family.

She goes through a lot with shield and has a lot of trauma, but it also leads to great character development, she becomes someone proud of who she is, she finds her family and her name, and she accepts herself as an inhuman. She grows, develops great relationships that she never really got before shield, and you could tell Shield genuinely feels like a home for her. And then like one season later, it all falls apart.

We’re supposed to watch it as “Daisy needs to come back home and her family worries about her” but it always felt like “Oh, it was good, but it won’t be anymore but since she feels they’re family, she’ll stay no matter how much she gets hurt.” and we SEE that. specifically at the end of s3, all of s4, and s5. Her team are constantly judging her, she repeatedly suffers, and really, the only thing keeping her in a place where she continuously struggles (even though there are inhumans all over the world, and something like afterlife could’ve been built and she was literally prophesied to lead a new version of afterlife) is her sense of duty to shield, and her wanting to stay with her ‘family’. But like I said, they stop really being a family by like s3. It feels like Daisy just spends most of the final seasons repeatedly trying convince herself. “They’re family. This is your home. Stay.” And that’s more desperation than actual genuine feelings.

Family isn’t supposed to make you suffer. Family isn’t supposed to violate you so awfully and then support the pain you went through.

When it’s a blood/adopted family, a lot of people convince themselves that well ‘they are my family and I can’t change it” but there’s still this undercurrent of anger and hurt. With Daisy? These people aren’t even her family. Not by blood or adoption, and it reaches a point where all they do is hurt her and care about their own issues, and yet she still stays. Found Family is supposed to be better than that. That’s the whole point of the trope, no?

She never gets the opportunity to fully heal. Not for a long time. In fact, I’d say that in season 7, she was at her best for the sole purpose of Sousa being there (because he genuinely cared even though he just met her and he repeatedly tried to make sure she was alright, and talked to her about her mom - the only one to do so even though he other than yoyo, was the only one NOT present when daisy met her mom the first time) and Daisy ending up adventuring with him along with Kora. It actually seemed that after maybe season 3, Daisy just spends the seasons going through more and more shit and trying to reach who she was before, even though s1 and s2 Daisy had a lot of trauma also.

On a positive side, she develops great relationships and we get great scenes like anything with Daisy and Mack in s7, and multiple wholesome Daisy & Coulson moments, and that MayDaisy hug! But other moments felt so cheap. Deke saying he wanted her to be happy and hugging her, Daisy calling Jemma her sister, and that final scene laughing with Fitz?

I’ll forever be glad the show ended with Daisy AWAY from the main team and with her biological sister who she will get to know and stick with, and with Sousa, a kind, hopeful, and caring love interest who will appreciate her. And she gets to adventure out in space. (Without being kidnapped or searching for the dude who tortured her).

I loved many things about the Team with season 7, but I went through it like “Please Daisy, accept the final mission and learn to love yourself without the validation of ‘some family’”. And while I loved many scenes and loved most of episodes of the seasons, I have trouble seeing them as an actual family, and they definitely held her back.

Sorry if this was more negative than you were hoping for. I tried to be positive but those are my thoughts. I want her to be okay and happy on her own too.

I did notice that Daisy gives excellent hugs! She ends up getting the most hugs than any other character in the show.

Thank you so much for this ask!