#scrupulosity tw

[eelfuneral]

Fandom, particularly fanfiction, has unironically helped me deal with my religious purity culture trauma (thanks Roman Catholic Church) and the scrupulosity OCD that made it worse. I have a long way to go in terms of healing, but I no longer worry that I’m committing some kind of horrific sin simply because I find someone sexy.

[raging-guanche]

tumblr is such a horrible place for people with ocd.

"if you do or did this youre BAD YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON WHO DESERVES DEATH PENALTY FOR YOUR UNFORGIVABLE CRIME YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO CHANGE OR BE BETTER"

like, maybe understand that people aren't saints or human crap, if no one got directly harmed and if it isn't intentional, please explain things with a more positive len if is possible.

obviously this isn't about saying "hey guysss dont be a nazi thats bad :(((", im talking about mistakes anyone can make without necessarily having bad faith.

[jellyfishhhhhhhhhhh]

moral ocd is like "why haven't you solved world hunger and brought about world peace completely by yourself without a single person helping you and without acknowledgement for anything that you did or the fact that you did it because if you did you'd be a bad person? and if you ignore the shame you are even worse? also if you talk about this to anyone you're attention seeking!! okie byeeeee!!! now go do your allotted activity to make you not bad™ anymore."

[fangsup-cobrastyle]

If you don't understand why the constant bombardment of "share this or you're a bad person" triggers my OCD and sends me into massive anxiety attacks that make me a danger to myself, you should thank whatever higher power you believe in. You think I'm sitting here choosing to ignore people who are suffering because I don't care enough? My mind is torturing me to the point where I need to get away from things like that before I hurt myself. Stop telling me that I should be suffering because other people have it worse and then wondering why I don't want to be alive.

Having OCD is like living inside of a 24/7 horror movie that you can never escape, only learn to be less afraid of, and then having people tell you that you're a bad person for being in that horror movie.

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

okay so prayer request. a week and a half ago i discussed a specific behaviour i've been very tempted to do for months with my psych. this is Not A Good Behaviour. anyway as of tonight i have now done it three (3) times - twice while i was at my parents and once just now. it is. A Bad Idea. i know this and i know how dangerous it is and i cannot find it in me to care enough to stop myself. if you are sunny you'll know what behaviour i'm talking about. but regardless i would like prayers, both to generally Feel Better and also to not make this in to a habit: it becomes clinically significant if it's done once every week or fortnight for three months, but at the same time it's much much easier to stop it before it starts than to try and stop it once it's become a compulsion.

[thebloggerthatjesusloved]

[flirts-with-dragons]

As a person with severe moral ocd that has hospitalized me several times in the past and has caused multiple attempts, I really did not expect to have had such intense exposure therapy as I've been having being on tumblr.

Like literally every day I get on here and see shit like extensive very threatening dnis and death threats and "if you are (x) you are an irredeemable horrible person" posts

Definitely increased my "mental toughness" as the influencers call it

[inexperienced-0]

I hate the aspect of OCD that makes me isolate, like if it gets really bad ill just hide and spend significantly less time with the people that I love. And then they think I don't like them, AND THATS THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO IM SORRY ITS JUST THAT IM CONSTANTLY BATTLING WITH MYSELF ITS EXHAUSTING

AND HAVING TO MASK MOST OF THE TIME TOO I JUST WANT TO HIDE AND MY EMOTIONS ARE SO HEIGHTENED AND ITS SO LOUD JSJJSJSNSBSJWJS

[crippleculture]

[thetraumatrain]

For the love of god everyone please shut up about Hogwarts Legacy. My moral OCD has started to get intrusive thoughts/delusions around a fucking HARRY POTTER GAME. I keep thinking I’ve bought it and I’m evil and I’m transphobic. I HAVEN’T BOUGHT IT I CANT AFFORD IT AND IM TRANS. The constant back and forth between posts about how cool the game is and posts about how it’s the spawn of satan is MURDERING MY BRAIN like please if you want the game SHUT UP ABOUT IT and buy it secondhand and play your evil wizard in peace or some shit. I am legit going to have to do EXPOSURE THERAPY over a fucking HARRY POTTER GAME and I will NEVER FORGIVE YOU

[allthepeculiarthings]

delusion warning please don't read if you're sensitive to it

i get so paranoid that im in some kind of scientific experiment. like in a simulation but its only me. i'm the only person in the experimental group. like i wouldn't care if i was living in the matrix because fuck it - so is everyone else. but my fear is that it's only me, and the scientists are scrutinising and analysing every little thing i do. like please just leave me alone and let me die in obscurity.

when im feeling scrupulous (lol) its my ancestors and relatives watching over me. do you know what a turn off it is to suddenly imagine the ghost of my great grandma watching me masturbate. it's so fucking annoying.

[hyenasnake]

I’ve been having a really hard time with mental health and morality recently. I often feel like I must carry everyone’s burdens as my own, for I feel as though if I live only for myself I leave others to rot and suffer. So I wrote this poem titled “Claws and Promises” and made a comic to go with it

Transcribed poem under cut

Two baby birds fell from a nest

My coworker found one, his name of a holy man

I found the other rotting

Perished before I could help

I have been told that I am kind

But my kindness has only been met with thorns

I want to help

I pull others into my arms only for them to be met with sharp teeth

I am their shoulder to cry on

I give with only one request in return

“Be okay”

But I am one and they are many

I cradle a rotting chick in my hands and poison falls from my eyes

“I’m sorry. I came too late.”

I am one

If I was a Saint or a God

I could be everywhere

You’d find me in the soft summer breeze

The fall of a snowflake

The flicker of a candle

I would be many

My arms would carry thousands

Hundreds of heads would rest on my shoulders

When I cannot bring salvation, Something corrupts inside me

An evil from deepest hell

A rotting and gnarled heart

I want to call myself a demon

I want to believe the evil inside me

It would be easier to be irredeemably evil

Than to be kind and imperfect

For the Universe is cruel towards Kindness

And Kind towards Cruelty

But I am human

And imperfect

With a bleeding heart and loving hands

With claws that raze the flesh of those I reach out to

My name has never been that of a Saint

Only a promise no one knows

Inevitability

Ineffability

My teeth are sharp and my claws are jagged

My tears are poison

Wept for those I cannot save

For I am one

No matter how much I toil

I could never be satisfied when the screams of the fallen rise from the abyss

I should have been there to carry them

“Be okay, Be okay”

[baby-anonymouse]

Just a few of the delicious effects an extremist evangelical faith can have on OCD, eating disorders, and agoraphobia ☺️

- I wouldn’t go out to eat with church members after church because I had to go home and pray.

- Time in waiting rooms was occupied with reading devotionals and deep theological commentaries.

- I would read my Bible for sometimes up to 4 hours a day.

- Would refuse to let myself leave the house or go about my business if I hadn’t spent time with god first.

- Listened to sermons from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed.

- Would turn the lights off and get down on my knees to pray during my lunch break at work.

- Belief in the whole “death and life are in the power of the tongue” to where I was extremely careful about what and how I said things so I didn’t “curse” myself.

- Lost over 100 pounds fasting and “eating right” because of the Bible verse that said “if you know what you ought to do and you don’t do it, that’s sin”, and so since I knew unhealthy foods were bad for me, eating any amount of it was sin.

- Regularly put myself in dangerous situations as a young single female by picking up strangers in the car because I was supposed to be like the “good samaritan”.

- Go into debt to give money to the church and to those in need, always giving away ANY extra income I’d get.

- Never allow myself to feel a sense of pride or even satisfaction in the work I did because it was just what I was supposed to do and taking pride in myself meant I wasn’t getting all of my satisfaction from god.

- Developed extreme anxiety about going to public places, especially malls and stores, because I felt compelled to pray for ANYONE I saw who seemed remotely disabled or disfigured or even just if I felt like I was “supposed” to pray for a different person; this compulsion being something I hated and would try and just avoid going into these spaces whenever possible.

- Not cleaning because when I did clean it had to be immaculate and perfect because “anything you do do unto the glory of the lord” and so because I knew that I could always do better, something could always be cleaner, etc, I would obsess over small areas and it still wouldn’t be good enough.

[ruler-of-turtle-kind]

The Corruption as scrupulosity where someone self-flagilates for every sinful thought. Then the cuts get infected and start to fester, but the person sees the weeping infection as God purging the evil from their soul. And as the infection gets worse and worse, the praises are louder on their lips as they thank God for driving His love deeper into them, making them pure. Boils and sores and scabs from repeatedly scratching and clawing at their imperfect, mortal skin, itching with excitement at the coming day when they will be fully enveloped in God's love, and they leave their mortal flesh behind. Fungus grows from the lines on their body, tilled flesh, and they weep for joy as God's love is made evident in them. On them. Around them, the same fungus blooms, sending spores into their eyes, their nose, their lungs. They believe it to be a baptism. They were wicked before, but God has washed them clean. As the mycelium threads itself through the whole of their being, they give a happy sigh as they know.

They meet their Savior without blemish.

[burninglights]

tw religious trauma, tw suicide, tw scrupulosity

sometimes i think that i got out of church relatively in traumatised and other times it’s 1.20am and i am having a panic attack about having lost my salvation by committing blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. mostly I am perpetually afraid i wish one of the suicide attempts had worked and id just killed myself at 13 so i wasn’t in this situation

[thebloggerthatjesusloved]

Have you ever just accidentally revealed for the first time an OCD compulsion or a neurosis you’ve had your whole life? Couldn’t be me….