#seem worse. he's already a bad person you don't have to lie and say he ~triggered~ Athena intentionally during 6-4

[spiritofjustice]

the Ace Attorney subreddit really does suck, huh. i wanna see people talking about AA but every post i see on there is just people making 43854747 posts about how Dual Destinies was bad, how Spirit of Justice was bad, how the new trilogy is just bad, or how Nahyuta is the most boring prosecutor or the worst character ever and i'm tired of it already. but i also don't want to unsub yet KRKF

[ofoceansandtombsanew]

Of All Things, I Became an Oceanid

You always imagined that if you woke up in the world of Genshin, the possibilities of being a Visionless wielder of elements and a slew of romantic shenanigans would lie in your wake. But when you instead find yourself in the body of an Oceanid with romance likely out of the question, your only conclusion is that the gods of reincarnation isekai hate your guts.

cw. you're an oceanid

pairing. navia x reader, kaeya x reader, childe x reader (separate)

notes. don't feel like being an oceanid today? well go ahead and go to the series masterlist and see what your life could be if you were something else in genshin.

So you're an Oceanid now.

You suppose there are worse things you could have turned into. God, imagine if you turned into a hilichurl or something like that. Yeah, you'll take being a graceful water being over a hilichurl any day.

You can talk, you can wield Hydro and you can go literally anywhere you want as long as water is present. It's honestly not that bad of a deal, you can be Mx. Worldwide if you so desire it.

As for finding company with your fellow lochfolk? That's not really much an option, all things considered. As it stands now, Oceanids follow one simple rule.

You stay in your lake, they stay in theirs and you call it a day.

Kaeya

Considering Springvale's small pond is already taken, you decide to call dibs on Starfell Lake since after Rhodeia made even the waters of the Dawn Winery bitter, you figured it would be better to try a source lake not connected to her spot in Liyue

To be honest when it came to being an Oceanid, you figured you didn't really need to become the companion of any of the characters

You're more than content to stay in your lake and mind your business. But truthfully, it does get boring, so when you saw Kaeya's reflection peering into your waters, you popped your head up to say hi almost instinctively

Apart from a brief look of surprise, that's the extent of your attempt to seem regal and mysterious in front of the Calvary Captain

"A water faerie so far from Fontaine? I can't believe my eye; this is the certainly the last thing I was expecting to see while out on a stroll."

It's not everyday you meet something so exciting and considering what happened after encountering the Traveler and Paimon, Kaeya decides to listen to his instincts that there'll be a lot to come from interacting with you

Because of this, Kaeya is a frequent visitor to your lake besides the people who occasionally stop by to clean the statue of the Seven

You ask him about the daily gossip of Mondstadt and he asks you about the life of being a water faerie, a fair trade even if most of your information is based on your memory of the Genshin wiki page and the limited personal experience you have

Kaeya's made a joke about how your meeting is something one might read in a romance novel, much to your embarrassment

Is he serious or no?

It's not like there haven't been any Human/Oceanid relationships in this game so it isn't completely out of the ordinary when you think about it...

At the same time though, you don't want to look super eager

One particular night, a long silence fell over you both when you asked him about his family. He tells you a bit about his past, about being adopted into the Ragnvindr family and his present less than savory relationship with Diluc

You ask if he's lonely to which he asks in return "do I seem lonely?" yet there is no bite in his tone nor is there any sarcasm either. his gaze is thoughtful but miles away from your lake

"Yes" are the words on your non-existent tongue yet you can't bring yourself to say it, all while a warm hand brushes against your watery cheek much too quickly

Navia

Being an Oceanid in Fontaine pre-Neuvillette's judgement was pretty much impossible, thankfully you airdropped into Teyvat after that deciding to call an area near Poisson your home

As to how you met Navia, you heard her crying by the sea as she does sometimes after getting new flowers for the grave of her father and much like the Spring Faerie of Springvale, you answered the call and swam to the surface

She thought maybe you were Melus or Silver, or maybe some other lost soul of Poisson. You quickly let her know that wasn't actually the case, much to Navia's initial disappointment

But Navia is an optimist, first and foremost. So she won't let the reality of the situation get her down and would ask you a bunch of questions. Afterall, Oceanids are thought to be practically extinct in Fontaine after Egeria's death so she doesn't want to waste the opportunity to learn more about you

And boy do her questions range from genuinely thought provoking to so silly it leaves you both in a fit of laughter

It's a first meeting that does Navia good, there she was so sad and then you came and turned the entire situation inside out. She promises to make you macarons as thanks, if lochfolk can even eat

Truthfully, you don't know if you can either. It's not like it's necessary to eat as you are now but fuck it you want to find out for yourself

Navia is also quick to invite you live in the waters of Poisson in general, or at least settle in if you ever want to visit and see the town for yourself

You take her up on the offer to have, if anything, a change of scenery and to see more people out and about than you normally would

You truthfully enjoy a nice yap session with Navia, it's never boring when she's around even if the most you're doing is watching her dish out orders from your comfortable pond in Poisson

But the best hangout sessions you have are when you are a good distance from the place and she can chat with you freely. She'll bring a basket of snacks, a blanket to sit on and you'll chat the day away

Sometimes she'll even bring a sketchbook and attempt to draw your portrait. Navia isn't the best artist but you enjoy looking at her artwork nonetheless

A small secret of her heart though is that Navia is quite sure that as a young girl she dreamed of something like this. Meeting an Oceanid by lakeside and falling in love before willingly being taken into the depths of Fontaine to eternally perform a watery dance of love

Maybe she can't do some of those things as the boss of Spina di Rosula, but maybe the former... maybe she's just been reading too many romance novels

Childe

When it comes to Childe, you truly lucked out in becoming an Oceanid when you lost the isekai 50/50. Because if you were something couldn't talk like a Thunder Manifestation or a Geovishap... you'd be assed out

For he, Tartaglia, is constantly finding ways to become stronger and that includes fighting mythical beings he comes across

But hey, Childe is no barbarian. Anything that can talk and beg for its life, for the most part, isn't a viable option for honing his skills

So congratulations, you narrowly avoided becoming a hashtag in someone's twitter bio twice in a row

Childe quickly laughs off your near brush with death and he dodges the spout of water you send his way. Sadly, he's somewhat charming when he says "come on, in my defense I didn't think you had any real intelligence! Now that I know we can easily become buddies, I'm sure!"

Maybe it's guilt (you doubt it), maybe it's a bit of youthful wonder permeating his soul (you're sure it's this), but he makes it a point to visit you while he is in Fontaine

Yeah, you lost another 50/50 by being airdropped into Fontaine during its Archon Quest but miraculously the water isn't painful. Maybe it's because you're technically not from this world and it grants you some sort of immunity? You're not sure

You are sure of, however, the fact that Childe comes to visit you like he gets paid for it

Apparently he wants to chat it up with you so he has plenty of interesting stories for his younger siblings when he visits them next time he is in his homeland

You sadly have a soft spot for it seems for war criminals that also happen to be family-oriented so you indulge him begrudgingly despite the rocky start to your friendship

When he gets arrested, you don't see him for a while and you admittedly grow worried when he doesn't show up even beyond the crisis of the prophecy coming to fruition but isn't like you can just discreetly find a fatuus in a city, let alone a Harbinger

Childe comes to see you soon enough though when he's recovered a substantial amount (barely any at all)

He laughs at you worriedly berate him for being so careless. "I just had to make sure my favorite Oceanid didn't miss me too much, that's all"

[onepiece-fics]

Franky, Buggy and Mihawk's reaction to you having a nightmare

Summary: How would Franky, Buggy and Mihawk react to you having a nightmare?

Warnings: Gender-neutral reader, almost spoilers for current manga Buggy's bounty (exact numbers are not mentioned).

Author's note: First of all, specifically anime/manga Buggy was in thought for his part! Secondly, Franky's part is based on the fact that his body isn't cold. Since he's a cyborg I'm not entirely sure how all that works, but in my mind he has the same type of body heat as any normal person :)

Word count: 763 

It’s 3 am and you wake up in a cold sweat. You’ve just had a horrible nightmare that felt too realistic. You look around your room to make sure you’re in reality before you decide to sneak away and go to your s/o’s bed

Franky

As you approach Franky you’re unsure if you should wake him up or not. On one hand, he looks very peaceful as he sleeps, but on another hand, he’s an amazing cuddler. You shake your head and decide to sneak into his bed anyway. He deserves his sleep too.

“Y/N?” he says as he stirs awake. “What are you doing here?” he asks as he rubs his eyes. As you plop down next to him he pulls you into his side and puts his arms around your shoulders.

“I had a nightmare…” you whisper, snuggling into his chest. He lets out a hum as he thinks for a moment and you shuffle around to put one of your legs over his. 

“You know what would help you calm down?” he asks you with a grin on his face. You lift an eyebrow at him in confusion.

“Cola!” he says as he starts turning to get a bottle from under his bed. You laugh as you pull him back into bed by his arm, and as he lays back down he pulls you on top of his chest fully, the grin still on his face.

“Franky… I feel like drinking cola before sleeping would just make it worse, I’m not gonna lie” you giggle at him. He shakes his head.

“Unbelievable, cola fixes all” he jokes and you roll your eyes.

“But I already brushed my teeth” you say and stick your tongue out at him, earning a laugh from the man. 

“Ah yes, I forgot about that part” he says as he closes his eyes and puts his chin on top of your head. “Hopefully cuddles will be enough for you to have better dreams then”.

Cuddles were definitely enough. 

Mihawk

While Mihawk seems cold to other people, you know how cuddly he actually is. That’s why you decide to crawl up in his bed and snuggle right up to him. You know that he’s awake, but he doesn’t open his eyes to look at you, he knows it’s you instantly.

“What are you doing here suddenly, my dear?” he whispers into the night as his arms wrap around you, pulling you into his embrace. 

“I had a nightmare and I’m too scared to go back to sleep…” you tell him. His eyes snap open immediately and he looks at you. Lifting one of his hands up he strokes your cheek in the most comforting way, his eyes softening as he sees your facial expression.

“It’s okay dear, I’m right here to protect you from any bad dreams. Do you want to talk about it?” you snuggle into his shoulder and shake your head. “Alright then. Just know that I’m right here, okay?”. 

His hand that was on your cheek moves to your arm and starts tracing comforting patterns, giving you goosebumps. You close your eyes and you both shuffle closer until you’re satisfied. 

The feeling of his hands tracing patterns on both your arms and your back, as well as his general comforting presence was more than enough to lull you back to sleep. 

What you don't know though, is the soft kiss he gives your forehead and the smile on his face as he admires your sleeping form. 

Buggy

You climb into his bed and lie down close to him. You try not to wake your captain up, and you think you have a decent chance since he’s a deep sleeper, but unfortunately, he slowly starts to stir as you trace light patterns over his arm. 

“Y-Y/N? What are you doing here-?” he asks, immediately awake when he realizes you’re next to him. “When did you get here-?”. 

“Oh, I got here just now” you giggle lightly. “I had a nightmare and I didn’t want to sleep alone…” you explain to him. His facial expression goes from one of flustered confusion to confidence.

“Oh you got scared so you came to the great captain Buggy… I see… I suppose it is only natural to go find such a big and strong protector as me when you’re scared. I mean did you see my new bounty? It’s over three-” you shut him up with a kiss, knowing that if you let him go on, it’ll keep going all night long. As you break apart from the kiss he smiles down at you in amusement.

“Did that distract you enough?” he asks. You roll your eyes and lay your head down on his shoulder as he brings his arms around you and starts playing with your hair.

“Yeah… it did” 

[arceespinkgun]

I'd love to hear your opinions on IDW Rodimus. I personally thought he was one of the better characters in that comic, but I have not read the Marvel comics so I have no point of comparison.

Just to clarify: I hate this character as he is in MTMTE and Lost Light. Not Rodimus as he appeared in IDW before those series. I'm not familiar with all his appearances, but his origin story seemed pretty strong to me. What I'm about to say isn't the fault of the character, it's the fault of the writer, James Roberts, who I resent for throwing out all the characterization that came from other writers before him in this and many other instances.

I don't really know what to say. Rodimus is a monster. I can't recount every horrible thing he did, there's too many. A few egregious ones are:

Punishing Rewind for having a snuff film collection, but then telling him to project a record of Fortress Maximus being tortured onto a wall to trigger Maximus during a hostage situation, then telling Swerve to shoot Fortress Maximus after Swerve repeatedly protested. Swerve said he was a bad shot, that Maximus was too close to Rung, that Maximus was already calm... Rodimus had so many chances to reconsider.

When Red Alert attempted suicide, Rodimus lied to Rung about it. You know, Red Alert's therapist? And not only did he lie about that, but he called this person who'd just tried to take his own life a bunch of ableist slurs. And Rodimus smeared him like this to cover his own ass and hide what Red Alert had found.

Bringing Overlord onto the ship because his ego is so fragile it couldn't handle Prowl calling him a wimp, then lying repeatedly about it, including during Overlord rampaging around killing the crew.

When Ultra Magnus is presumed dead and Drift is exiled by Rodimus, one issue after they're gone, Rodimus goes to Rung and Cyclonus and is basically like, you two are the new Ultra Magnus and Drift, really showing how disposable everyone is to him.

Rodimus's treatment of Drift in general was especially gross. Please keep in-mind that Rodimus is the captain, so he had direct power over him. Rodimus got possessive and impatient any time Drift was doing anything other than attending directly to Rodimus, including calling him some horrible, undisclosed thing, and threatening to have the law changed specifically in order to punish Drift for his Decepticon past (this is during peace time). He claimed to Thunderclash that he'd "rehabilitated" Drift. He had Drift take the blame for Overlord, kicked Drift out of the Autobots, and didn't intervene when Drift was assaulted for this. And we learn that Drift only hadn't told the crew the truth about Overlord in the first place because he'd felt "beholden" to Rodimus. The way Rodimus treated Drift almost felt to me like Drift was his courtesan or something, along with the racist tropes that implies... it's really bad. EDIT: oh, and it was even worse because Rodimus exiled Drift right after Drift had his legs torn off by Overlord, and because when Rodimus eventually did confess to bringing Overlord on board, he didn't look for Drift or even send him a message.

Now I know what fans might say. But he came clean/apologized/grew so it's an arc! But that's not the case. As I've reread most of MTMTE just now, I saw that this character is basically written as a complete monster until about issue 18, and then suddenly starts behaving heroically and saying the right things after no growth at all. It's not an arc, it reads like JRo just reconsidered this guy's entire characterization, but you can't do that! You have to commit! Plus, I do not really care that Rodimus did better eventually, because "making amends" should have included stepping down as the first act. No, there absolutely should not have been a vote over his captaincy. He should have been removed or better yet, removed himself. (Also, what kind of a sadistic choice was that vote? Because if Rodimus had been voted out, that would have meant Megatron would've been sole captain of the Lost Light, and there was no vote over that! That was just unilaterally decided by Optimus Prime!)

A really great example of how Rodimus doesn't really grow or change genuinely is issue #36. In that issue, he and other crew members go back in time, and Rodimus keeps trying to find a way to prevent Trailbreaker's death. He shows a lot of concern for him. But this comes out of nowhere. As I've just reread a large chunk of MTMTE, I can tell you that Rodimus and Trailbreaker had no connection whatsoever before this. And again, none of this is the character's fault. This is the writer's fault. Because Rodimus doesn't actually grow, I wouldn't blame people from being like, "Well, I prefer to think of Rodimus as the version who behaves better and says the right things." But that would be the reader's choice, not something the writer or series should be credited for.

When it comes to Rodimus in the Marvel comics, what sort of things did he do that made him a flawed, complex character? Hiring a bounty hunter to take out Galvatron, which went poorly, but the intention was to try and keep people safe. Giving in to being goaded by Galvatron and losing his cool, but he gets talked down by Arcee. As Hot Rod, he was especially impulsive, and make mistakes like getting bored and going for a drive when he was supposed to be keeping watch at a diplomatic summit, which gave the Decepticons an opportunity to attack... but he then tried to redeem himself as soon as possible by immediately going one-on-one with their leader and putting himself at great risk. This basically applies to any of Rodimus's or Hot Rod's errors in judgment. He always tried to address them ASAP, and often they were made with good intentions (in one of the annuals, he disobeyed orders because he thought Kup was being hurt, for example), not to cover his own ass or spite people.

I also want to mention Rodimus from the 80s cartoon as well. He is known for saying absolutely deranged things and being so depressed, he took any opportunity to be rid of the mantle of leadership.

But the thing about this is that his actual actions were still almost always for others' benefit. I think that's the other biggest thing that JRo ignored.

[cowboyjen68]

this might seem some stupid teenage problem to you but how do i deal with my friends having boyfriends and girlfriends while im just depressingly lonely as hell? i mean we still talk but im just scared that they'll just pay more attention to theie boyfriends and girlfriends coz they did that the last time we went to our friend's house for karaoke. its not a bad thing to pay attention to boyfriends and girlfriends but sometimes i just feel left out. plus my friends used to joke abt me being single when i already feel like shit because im single and the only relationship i had was with a boy that i literally regretted to get together with bc he wasn't even a decent person to me. they don't make jokes like that anymore when i had enough and told them to stop it. idk if im being clingy at all but its like i just feel left out coz last time we went to have karaoke at my friend's house some of them just straight up pay more attention to their boyfriends and girlfriends and idk i just feel left out mostly bc it kinda feels like i have no one to talk to atp. again im not saying it's a bad thing but how can i stop feeling left out? and why's being gay kinda hard? most of my friends r in hetero relationships and they had it easy. the only relationship i had was with my toxic childhood friend who wasn't a decent person. plus everytime i like a girl, either they're lgbtq+ but just like boys more, straight or a piece of shit. why's it so hard for me to have a girlfriend? is it because im ugly? awkward? too introverted? or maybe the fact that i kinda suck at socializing bc i literally dont socialize alot? everything always goes wrong for me in my love life while my friends have it easy. im sorry if its too long

Forgive typos. I’m on my phone. And tired.

First. Big butch mom hugs to you. Take a breath and read this.

You are not by any means alone. And even in adulthood. Those of us grownups who are single often find ourselves lamenting the “loss” of a friend who is in a néw relationship. That friend is still our friend but her time is suddenly drastically limited. My best friend who was single for 12 years was my constant companion. Now she’s finally found love and two years in I’ve spent a total of maybe 6 hours with her. And it’s never just her and I. It’s only in group gatherings. It’s sad and hard to say the least. It’s feeling lonely even as I try to let other friends step in. The space she occupied will always be hers.

High school. College. Youthful friend groups tend to be much wider and less static. A constant refreshing of new love interests and I do remember those who dates feeling very intense emotions both at the start and end of such couplings. When you’re the single one you never the priority to others because they are expending so much time and energy to the mostly futile attempt to make fleeting romances work out. You don’t require energy since they assume (albeit unconsciously) you will just be there. Which is not fair. Friendship requires attention.

Sometimes we just have to toss ourselves into our own joys. Go to things you love alone. Have coffee. Enjoy a meal. Don’t sequester yourself to the internet to find connections. Be okay with you. Eventually others wil come in your life.

Do not date just to not be alone. Being miserable in a relationship is worse than just staying single and loving time with yourself.

I won’t lie and tell you loneliness will just abate. But I can say it won’t be forever. And friends will evolve and shift your entire life. You take all the good things. And bad from each one into the next and learn who and what enhances your life the most.

[veny-many]

I'm suddenly thinking about Sith!Plo Koon au.

But like... Actually undercover(?)Plo?

When Plo survived from Order 66, he planned to take down Sith Emperor, and he failed, now waiting for his death.

But Sidious was impressed by Plo about his achievement in time of the clone wars. So he offered him the last chance to serve under his Sith Empire.

Of course Plo denied it with no hesitation. But then, Sidious said something to him like:

"Do you think your path was still right, Jedi? The Order that left your dear Ahsoka Tano alone to death? What about you? Isn't your pride once led your dear clone troopers to painful death?"

"It was you who led them to traps."

"No, it is your arrogance you learned from Jedi, what made them suffer. Face the truth, Jedi. All of them are made to die for you."

And if Plo never be shaken by these words, it would be lie.

Sidious refers that there are still battalions that served under Jedi, are fighting till death even in Empire. Knowing Plo would never want to leave them suffer alone. That his dear Wolfpack is still on battlefields, and if Plo won't elaborate, Sidious will make their fate much worse than ever.

Kel-Dorian might be right way following peoples, but also a protectors of their peoples. And Plo just couldn't leave his troopers.

And somehow, Sidious seemed to believe Plo Koon is almost fallen, and Plo decided to use that nearly truth judgment.

And yes, Sith! Plo but actually he is secretly gathering Empire's deep secrets and helping innocents and Jedis. It is very dangerous but his brain death tactics from Baran Do sages made him easily fool the Sith lord. And no one questioned about his intent when he is already looked scary(sorry Plo) and deep grief and calmness radiated from him.

Wolfpack was patched back to Plo. But they were not the same troopers who Plo fought together. They referred themselves numbers, and never replied to Plo's affection like before.

But Plo still cared them like sentients. Highly praise of them, and never make them suffer or sacrifice for missions, and never letting them hunt for innocents or children to prevent their hands from blood(and also saving peoples)

Sometimes, Wolfpack almost shot Plo because he triggered their Order 66. And they became more depressed and aggressive. Plo knew it was not their intention, any of this, but he had to be more careful before helping them be freed from Empire with other clones.

Slowly Wolfpack gather their personality back with Plo's help. Like Boost starts to ambush hug his brothers, and Sinker says something sarcastic humors about Empire when they are alone, and Comet wandering around like before. And Wolffe still protective around his troopers, it never changed, but he became more and more depressed and closed when he interact with Plo more. Like he is losing to guilt.

Ahsoka and Plo secretary telepath with their intels? YES. Ahsoka worries about Plo, but all he says is "I'm alright little 'soka :)" and sending "4th be with you all" to Rebels.

Sidious somehow notices something wrong, because look, former high Council member is now failing to completely succeed almost every mission? That's not right.

And clones are having bad times as people doesn't need them anymore.

And Plo's like: This is not good. How do I flee with my boys from this Empire?

Wait we still don't know how clone rebel happened

The bad batch season 3 will explain that to us right? But im scared of them. I don't want my heat to be broken again

[docwritesshit]

Hello, please, you can AO Lie X dominating reader

Background: Ao Lie marries Readers by contract and after a while he falls madly in love and is very jealous of a random person/demon who does not consider Ao Lie seriously

Oooohhh boy

I have no idea what you mean by dominating as my mind is going straight to the gutter on that one and I don't do NSFW.

However! I will do a SFW version of this if you meant it like that

Anyways-

Ao Lie With an Intimidating reader

This poor boy

You were known throughout the heavens and earth to be stoic and on guard most of the time

So he already had an image of you in his mind

So when he saw you for the first time, he was fascinated

You looked rather... At ease with him

Tbh you accepted your fate of getting married to him long ago and had done some research on him

He seemed ok so you weren't really worried

But Ao Lie was shocked

Conversation flowed easily, with you prodding a bit about the Journey he took with the other pilgrims

He explained some of the stories from his perspective, and you listened with open ears

And as the days grew past, he started to ask about you

You indulged him, informing him of your hobbies and jobs you take from around the heavens

And he listened as well

Very well infact

You started to find gifts at your door step with things you mentioned throughout your conversations

You smiled and accepted each one with grace

And when you finally move in together, you started to see how much time Ao Lie has slotted for you in each day

He brings you breakfast, and drinks while you work

And you reciprocate with bringing him meals when he's busy

It didn't take long for you to fall for each other

However, it took others to catch on

You could hear the comments and remarks your husband

But you brushed them off

Until you saw it affectinv your said husband

It was especially worse at parties and galas

That's when you snapped

"I feel bad for them, stuck with the anchor of the pilgrims"

Snap

"EXCUSE YOU, THE ANCHOR??? I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY AND DEAL WITH THOSE NUMBSKULLS GETTING ATTACKED BY DEMONS EVER DAMN MINUTE! SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LEAVE MY HUSBAND ALONE!!"

Let's just say you guys the biggest breakfast you ever seen in the morning

[cock-holliday]

Who TF am I supposed to vote for this year. I fucking hate America rn. I absolutely don’t condone what Biden is doing. But if I don’t vote Trump wins and he’s worse. He’s literally threatening to deport people speaking up against the genocide going on in Gaza (not that he can but that’s a scary prospect MAGA supporters are all around me who will spew his narrative). I genuinely need advice this election. Do I just not vote? Am I helping doom us to Trump by not voting? I’m a Democrat but I don’t condone what’s going on now it’s disgusting. I’m honestly leaning towards not voting but everyone around me is saying that’s a bad thing. Does any other candidate have a chance aside from those two?

I cannot tell you who to vote for but I can help you maybe figure it out for yourself.

First, not voting for someone is not a vote for someone else--do not let people tell you that. As a basic gesture you can, however seriously you mean it, threaten to withhold your vote from Biden. Tell his campaign people. Tell doorknockers. Say it at stops on his campaign trail. "I will not vote for Biden if he doesn't ____." You can lie. You can wholeheartedly plan to vote for him regardless, but putting some fear into his team can be helpful. The same tactic can work on any groups you might be part of. "I would love to vote for him but I can't in good conscious do it if he won't ___." Any group that dismisses you outright does not have your interests at heart. Convince them to take action too, or recognize that aggressive backlash for valid concerns are not the circle you want to entrust with your livelihood.

It's hard to tell what the 2024 election will come down to because we haven't even had a primary. Bernie Sanders seemingly came out of nowhere when it already seemed like a done deal that it would be Clinton as the sole Dem option. And boy did the DNC work to make sure she was--despite public support for another option.

Someone else may be a viable candidate to throw support behind as an alternative to Biden. Trump's legal situation muddies the waters on his eligibility, and a number of extreme right-wing fanatics think he's not fascist enough and have their eyes on DeSantis, possibly fracturing the Republican vote. It is entirely too early to tell how the general election will shake out.

Some things that are certain, however: 1. your vote is your choice and idiots guilting you while refusing to address actual concerns is not reason to vote for someone you don't want to. 2. however the presidential election shakes out, what will be much more influential on your future is local elections. An emboldened state can resist certain executive decisions to begin with, and local policy will always have a much more immediate effect on a person than national policy will.

It would be nice if, in the wake of a Trump or (insert republican candidate) win, democrats would ever recognize their own shortcomings and reconsider policy choices rather than doubling down that it's the American people who are wrong, but I'm not certain the message would be received. Then again, I am not a democrat, so appeals to the DNC are not high on my priority list.

Vote for Biden, don't vote for Biden, vote someone who has a chance to win, taking a stand and voting for someone who won't, don't vote on a president at all--this is up to you. It's not my decision and it's not anyone else's to make for you either. Make a statement with your choice if you can, but ultimately do what feels right.

[morganski-19]

I Don't Know Which Way's Home

Chapter 9: Fights

ao3 link, Part 1, Part 8

cw: grief

December 1984

Julie stares at the small journal in her hands. Carefully figuring out how to wrap it so it looks pretty like her mom’s. It’s not a perfect present either. Her mom always insisted that she didn’t need to get her anything for her birthday, it already being enough that Julie was here at all. But that felt cheap, wrong. Her mom provided so much for her, she didn’t even deserve the world if it could be given.

So, she did the only thing she could do, wrote a story. It’s been the same for the last few years, something quick and easy but meaningful. A picture of the two of them that she drew, was last years, and now a story to accompany it.

A story where the two of them were happy. Not that they weren’t now, just a different type of happy. In her story, they were living in a house, not a trailer. Three floors, each with its own secrets to unravel. Ghost stories come to life and pictures moving on their own. Journeys they two of them would undertake, just the two of them.

Because that’s how it always was. Julie and her mom, hand in hand and fighting through life together.

They didn’t need anyone else, didn’t want it half of the time. Every time a new person came into their life, it ruined it just a bit. Always disrupted the peace that Julie and her mom had made. And while it could be lonely sometimes, just the two of them, she wouldn’t change it one bit.

So, it felt wrong not to get her something on her birthday. Which was today and Julie can’t even figure out how to wrap it properly. Giving up, she just does it. Folds the paper and tapes it down. The corners are a bit wrinkled, and the paper is sideways, but it’s wrapped.

When she gives it to her mom over breakfast, it’s taken with a smile. The bad wrapping ignored for what’s inside. The hug her mother gives her with a thank you makes up for everything. It didn’t matter that the present wasn’t anything special, it was special to her mom, and to her. That’s all it needed to be.

. . .

Present Day, December 1986

“The place looks the same as when I came here before,” Sarah concludes, writing something in her folder. “Except for the new decorations in Julie’s room, of course.”

Steve stands next to Julie, patiently waiting for the inspection to be over. Even though it went fine, he made sure nothing incriminating was in the house, it still made him nervous. Sarah seemed to be on his side of this, but he was still unsure.

Julie leans against the railing, picking at the skin around her nails. It’s gotten worse in the past few days, bandaids starting to wrap around her thumbs these days. Her hair pulled back in loose braids to hide the fact that it isn’t washed.

There’s this feeling that something is up, and not like it has been before. That something, significant, is coming up. A date that she is now spending without her mom. And he wants to talk about it, but she keeps shutting him out before he can even try. He just doesn’t know what to do.

“I just have some questions to ask the two of you, and then I’ll be on my way. Steve, how about you first.”

Steve nods and leads Sarah to the kitchen table, sitting across from her. She opens a different folder from the one she used in the inspection, glancing at what is inside before looking up at him.

“I had a few more questions about you before I get to discussing the adjustment. You said that you started taking care of the financial aspects of the house since you were sixteen?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “That’s right.”

“Was that the first time your parents left you alone when they went on one of their trips?”

The urge to lie is strong. Just say that it was and get it over with, no one had to know the true extent of what his parents did. But she’s looking at him with the same concern she’d give Julie. That she’s looking out for him as well as her. And for the first time in his life, he feels the need to tell another adult the truth.

“Uh, no. They’ve been going on long trips since I was eight. Never as long as it was when I turned sixteen, but not that short either.”

A sourness turns in Sarah’s eyes with a slight twitch. He tenses, thinking it is geared toward him. But as she scribbles something in a file with his name, he can’t help but think it’s the same anger he’s been feeling for years.

“When you were eight, who was watching you?”

“Nannies mostly.”

“How many years did they hire nannies.”

Steve scratches at the back of his neck, trying to think. “Until I was twelve, thirteen maybe. At least the overnight ones, day to day ones stayed for another two or so years before there was none at all.”

A deep sigh escapes from her mouth as she continues to write. “How long were their trips then? Shorten than now.”

“Yeah. They were a month or two back then, getting longer as I got older. But when I turned sixteen, that’s when the longest one was.”

“And how long was that one?”

“Two years,” he says, for the first time letting it sink in how long it really was.

He knew that it was wrong that they left him alone, that much was obvious. When he was little, he used to cry and wish that they would come home. That they would want him. The hurt turned into anger with age, and now is just a distant memory.

The anger’s still there but trapped behind a veil of other people had it worse. At least he had a roof over his head and a never-ending cash flow to keep himself fed. A job that he went to every day and a car that he didn’t have to pay for. It was just how it was, and there was nothing Steve could do to change that.

But he’ll watch the Byers’, the Henderson’s, the Sinclair’s, and the Wheeler’s, Robin’s parents and Eddie’s uncle. All people who are there, for the most part, that want their kids. It’s hard to ignore the sting in his chest when he goes over for holiday dinners without his parents. Watching the other kids be loved by the people who created them. But it was fine because he made his own family with them. He had family because of them.

It was enough, until it wasn’t. Enough until his father called to berate him, and all that was left was the question of what he could do to earn his father’s love. His father’s respect, admiration. The answer was always nothing, and it was a simple fact that Steve accepted long ago.

“So, I’m going to hand you something, and it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with it, ok.” Sarah closes the folder she was writing in and slides it across the table.

“Ok,” he takes the folder and opens it. Inside is a list of evidence, with notes of how to gather materials to prove it, as well as a pamphlet on how to sue your parents for neglect, and the business card of a lawyer. “What is this?”

“Things I’ve started to write down since our last talk. It’s clear, from the way you talk about them, that they have neglected you. Which is why I asked you more questions about it today and given you this folder. If you would like to, you can sue them for neglect and, if there’s a paper trail of what you’ve said, probably win.”

Thoughts cloud his mind, making it impossible to fully grasp at what she’s saying. Sue his parents, clear neglect. Ruin the little relationship he has with his parents, for what, money. Proving in front of a court the exact type of people they were. Ruin their reputation among the public, and his among their friends because he stood up. Does he really want that?

“Of course, you don’t have to do it, not if you’re not comfortable with it. But, if you were to ever want reparations for the way they treated you, the evidence is there. And it’s damning.”

Steve opens his mouth a few times, but the words don’t come out. “I-I’ll think about it,” is all he can figure out what to say. Not a yes, but also not a no.

“Ok, let’s move on to something else, alright.”

“Ok.”

. . .

Julie is sitting at her lunch table, half falling asleep over her uncompleted math homework. She couldn’t get it done after the check in yesterday. Stress about what was going to come of it, that she might be moved again, had filled most of her day yesterday. Then she was too empty to think of doing anything other than lying in her bed. So, no homework got done.

Not like that was an uncommon occurrence these days. Homework seemed so trivial to the rest of her life. Moving houses, adjusting to new places. Grieving. All of it’s too much already, she doesn’t need to have homework piled on top of it.

Last night was bad, worst than normal. Which is to be expected of this week, but it still hurt. All the questions Sarah asked her to make sure she was adjusting, that she liked it there.

“Do you like it here, Julie?” she asked across the kitchen table.

“Yes,” Julie answered because it was the truth. But only half of it. “I do.”

Sarah had seemed satisfied with her answers, ending the meeting with a promise to be there if she should ever need it. If she would need to move again. Julie didn’t want to move again, she did really like it at Steve’s. There was just something missing, and that was the sad fact of Julie’s existence.

The worst part of it all is that his house started to feel like hers too. Her room was actually her room, with it’s painted walls and posters found at the thrift store. Clothes in the overflowing laundry bin, schoolwork scattered across all the surfaces. It’s her dishes in the sink and her tv program on pause in the living room.

Julie was finally starting to feel at home. Which was the problem.

“Can I ask you a question,” Max asks, breaking Julie out of her thoughts. “You totally don’t have to answer it, and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. But I’ve been thinking about it and Steve mentioned that you two are living together now, and I just. Are you ok? Like really ok?”

“I’m fine,” Julie responds coldly, packing up her math homework.

“Yeah, no, I get that. It’s just, when Billy died, I was really going through it, and I didn’t really want to talk about it that much. But it helps, to talk about it, sometimes. And I’m here for you, we’re here for you, me and Jane. We’ve both dealt with this kind of stuff, so if you wanted to talk about it, you could. With us, I mean.”

They’re looking at her like they understand, and they might. But this isn’t the run of the mill thing here. Loosing a brother sucks, Julie’s sure, but she knows they weren’t as close as losing her mom. And Jane, well she didn’t know a lot about Jane so she can’t really speak on that.

This pain was hers and hers alone, and no one can really know what she’s going through. Not the counselors pulling her out of classes to talk to her, not her teachers asking to talk to her after class. Not even then, her only friends she’s had in a long time.

“I told you, I’m fine,” she spits.

She tries not to feel angry when people ask about it. Tries not to feel angry when they try to connect with her. Show that they care. Because she should be grateful that people still care about her. That there are other people who give a shit other than her mom. And a part of her is, but the rest of her stings with the knowledge that they’re only here because her mom is gone.

Max readjusts herself, pressing her lips together. “I get it, I do. Just know that we’re here.”

“Steve was just worried about you,” Jane adds, innocently.

“Jane,” Max exclaims, “We weren’t supposed to tell her that part.”

The only reason she ever met Steve in the first place was because she really had nothing else. And while she was always going to tell him about her existence, of his father’s affair, she’s not so sure she would have done it in the way she did. Meeting him was the last lifeline she had after everything, so she had to take it. It worked out, and she’s grateful.

And now he’s there and he cares, and it should be great, but it hurts. Every time he gives her the look of “I care about you, just know that I’m here” her heart burns because it will never be the same. He’s opened his home to her, worked to take her in, changed his life to accommodate her. She wouldn’t change it, wouldn’t take it all back. It’s nice to have somebody. But he’s not her mom and never will be.

Every time he does something remotely close to what her mom did, she gets a burst of rage. It shows her exactly what she has lost, and what it has meant for her, and she hates it.

“I’ll see you guys later,” Julie says while slinging her bag over her shoulder. She takes her full lunch bag and dumps it into the trash on her way out of the lunchroom, heading straight to the bathroom.

Slamming the door behind her, she heads for an empty stall. She sits on the toilet, pulling the long chain of her locket from underneath her shirt. Opening it to find what’s always been there, a picture of her and her mom. Small and cut off weird, but it didn’t matter.

Tears stream down her face as quiet sobs rip through her chest. She grips the small charm close to her heart and stares at the ceiling.

“Why?” she whispers in the empty bathroom. “Just why?”

. . .

The phone rings on Steve’s nightstand, pulling him out of his sleep. He rolls over to reach the phone, dragging Eddie with him, arms gripped around Steve’s waist.

“Let it keep ringing,” Eddie mumbles into Steve’s shoulder. “Sleep.”

“Can’t, might be the school.” Steve swats Eddie away, finally able to sit up and reach the phone.

Eddie rolls onto his back in protest. “Right, you have responsibilities now. That’s not weird at all.”

“Shut up,” Steve says while picking up the phone. “Harrington residence.”

“Hi, is this Steve?” the woman on the line says.

“Yes, who is this?”

“I’m Mrs. Peters, Julie’s English teacher. You’re listed as her guardian, and I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Is she ok?” He’s half ready to jump out of bed and run out the door if he needs to. Well, after putting clothes on.

Mrs. Peters sighs through the line. “Truth is, I’m not sure. I’ve had Julie in class before, and she was such a good student. One of the brightest I had. Her essays were so thoughtful and her creative writing assignments, they were beautiful. It’s all changed this year. She’s barely turning assignments in, and half asleep most of the time. I know what happened with her mom earlier this year, such a tragedy. And it’s expected that students who go through such a loss will slip a little with grades. But she skipped my class today, so I wanted to give you a call. I’m worried about her.”

Steve leans back on his headboard with a sigh. “I am too. I’ve tried to talk to her about this, but it’s always shut down.”

“I’m sure it’s a hard topic for her to talk about it.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“That’s all I really called for, to see if she’s getting the support she needs at home. I remember you, had you a few years ago when I was teaching seniors. You were a good kid when you started trying, I know you’ll take good care of her.”

His heart warms with some sort of pride. “Thank you, that means a lot. I’m really trying here.”

“I’m sure she knows that. I hope things go better for you, and you’ll be able to talk to her about this. Thank you for stepping up and taking her in.”

“Wasn’t that hard of a decision once I got to know her.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t. I’ll let you go. Good luck, Steve.”

“Thanks for calling bye.” He hangs up the phone, sliding back down under his covers.

Eddie rolls over to look at him. “The school.”

“Yeah,” Steve says while staring at the ceiling. “Remember Mrs. Peters, she’s Julie’s English teacher. Said she missed class today, hasn’t been turning work in.”

Eddie hums. “You’re worried about her.”

How can he not be? When all he sees is the empty shell of a person some days. And he knows that’s not what she’s normally like. Because she’s bright and funny on the better days. And so, so caring.

It was there more in the middle, not the beginning, and not now. But if the night they first met was day one, and this is now day whatever it is. Right in the middle, he could see her, without the sadness that looms in her eyes. Just last week he saw it too, when they were picking up stuff for her room and painting it all. She was there. But the sadness came back again.

“It’s not like I’m expecting her to magically get better, for her grief to go away. I just,” he takes a deep breath. “I just want her to know that I’m here, that she can talk to me. Cause I might not know exactly what she’s going through, but I know enough about it. And even if I didn’t, I’m here to listen.”

He rolls on his side to face Eddie. Eddie takes his hand, encouraging him to continue.

“I just keep getting caught up in this loop of saying I want to help her. To let her know that I’m here. So she doesn’t have to go through this alone. But I never know how to say it, or show it, so I just don’t. And the days keep going on, and she’s still isolating herself. I don’t know what to do.”

“It’s hard, I know,” Eddie comforts. “And, as someone who lost a parent kinda like she did, it sucks, a lot. You think the world has ended and you’re left all alone. You’re angry, and sad, and so many emotions you just can’t name. But can I tell you something that you’re doing right?”

Steve shifts closer to Eddie. “What.”

“You’re showing her that you care. You take her out and change her room, despite the fears that you have. You ask her about her day, and make sure she has food to eat. You make her feel safe, Steve. That is more than any kid can ask for during this time. And while you’re still going to feel like you’re not doing enough. You’re doing the best that you can. If you want to ask her about her mom, you can, it just might not be met with the reaction you want it to.”

He lets out a long breath. “I think that’s why it’s taken me so long to say something. It’s already so weird knowing that we’re related. And knowing that the only reason I know that is because her mom died. It feels weird.”

Eddie presses a kiss to the back of Steve’s hand. “How are you doing with all of this? We haven’t really talked about it since when it first happened.”

Better, Steve thinks. He’s doing better. Even though he now wakes up in his painted room and almost goes into a panic attack. Even though he goes to a job he knows his dad hates. And now provides a home to the kid his dad never wanted.

It’s been hard accepting that he’s officially throwing away the role his parents expected him to play. That he’s finally breaking the last bit of relationship he has between them. He’s finally willing to leave. To have the life he wants, not what they want.

They want the wife and the kids with the picket fences and a good paying job. A respected, get a degree first kind of job. Where the anxieties and the nightmares never happen, and the trauma doesn’t exist. Where Steve’s hearing is normal, and his brain isn’t damaged. Where the scars aren’t there, and he won’t flinch every time the light flickers.

And while some of those things he still wants in his life. The kids, the house, a good paying job. Some aspects of his life are irreversible, unchanging. He didn’t ask for them, but that doesn’t mean they never happened. It’s a part of his life that they will never accept, or even know about.

“As good as I can be. I think a part of me will always hate him, for what he did. To me, and to Julie. And I’m tired of thinking that there will be a day where I’m not a disappointment to him. Especially when there are some parts of my life that I know would get me kicked out of the house. Out of his life. But” he takes a breath, “I don’t want to have a dad if that means I can’t be who I am.”

Eddie smiles, soft with a bit of pain. “It hurts to hear you say that, because I want you to have a family that will love you for all the amazing things that you are. But I am so proud of you for getting to a place where you can say that. I know it was hard.”

“It was,” Steve says, tears gathering in his eyes.

“C’mere,” Eddie pulls him into a hug, holding Steve close as everything lets go.

It was a lot of work getting to the place he is. Time and effort and tears. Years of built up, years of pain. But as the world came crumbling around him, he found more happiness in other people than he has in his entire life. Friends he never would have associated with, a family he never thought he would have.

And here in the bed his father paid for is a man that Steve likes, might even be starting to love. It’s the biggest fuck you he could have ever sent his father’s way. Because in Eddie’s arms, everything starts to fit into place. Everything finally made sense. He is finally, truly, himself.

Steve built himself a home. With Eddie, with Robin, with the kids, with Julie. He had his family, and nothing was going to take that from him now.

. . .

Julie just wants to go home. Wants to crawl into her bed and pray for sleep to come so this awful day can be over. Screw the test she has tomorrow, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. Not today, and not tomorrow. The sadness will keep coming back, no matter how hard she tries.

She’s just so tired of it being like this. Of having good days where it hurts a bit less, where she can smile and actually mean it. But then waking up the next day and feeling like everything is terrible and never going to get better. Where she can have good days like last weekend, just followed with terrible days like today.

And she knew this day was coming, and knew it was going to be hard. She knew that the day before, and the day after, hell the whole week would be rough. That the grief was going to hit its highest peak since that first week. But it was worse than she could have ever thought.

Steve has off from work today, which means when Julie walks out of the high school doors, his car is in its usual spot next to Eddie’s van. She’ll have to make conversation on the drive back, before being able to escape to her room.

It’s just twenty minutes, she tells herself. Twenty more minutes of an impossible day, before she can stop pretending.

“Hey,” Steve says when she walks up to his car.

She mumbles a small hello before shuffling into the passenger seat, shutting the door with a thud behind her. Steve says a goodbye to Eddie before climbing into the driver’s seat. Pulling out of the parking lot without a word.

“How was school?” he prompts, fishing for something. Like he knows.

Julie hates that. It’s just another thing that pangs in her chest. Something her mom would do countless times when she knew something was bothering Julie. Only another reminder that she isn’t here today. That Julie’s living with someone else.

Leaning her head against the window, watching the trees fly by as they drive, she tries to stay calm. Tries to find a normal way to respond so he’ll just stop.

“Like it always is,” she whispers, just audible enough that he’ll hear it, but quite enough so he knows she doesn’t want to talk about it.

He must understand because it’s the last thing he tries to talk about in the car. She just wraps her coat tighter around her, closing herself up as much as possible. Trying to convince her brain that just because she left the school, the tears aren’t allowed to break through again. She already cried in a bathroom today, she didn’t need to do it in his car either.

“Hey, could we talk for a minute?” Steve asks when they get home, stopping Julie from immediately locking herself away in her room.

She can’t help the eyeroll that comes, the visible slump in her shoulders as she turns to face him. Crossing her arms across her chest, coming off defensive to hide the range of emotions bubbling beneath the surface.

“What,” she says more bitter than she’d like to admit.

Steve flinches, not expecting the harshness in her voice. He takes a breath, trying to think of what to say, like it’s important. She can’t deal with another thing today.

“I got a call from one of your teachers today, Mrs. Peters. She said you missed class,” he says it with a level voice, face full of concern.

It does nothing but make her blood boil. He wasn’t supposed to know, wasn’t supposed to care. That wasn’t supposed to be his job. Steve was her brother, not her parent. Julie didn’t have one of those anymore. And the face he’s making is the one she would see all the time, practically lived on her mom’s face sometimes.

“So,” she rolls her eyes. Wishing he would just drop it.

It’s like the two images of them are morphing together in her mind. Her mom and Steve becoming one person. Like he’s replacing her, becoming the new person in her life to fill that role. He didn’t get to do that. She didn’t get to forget her mom. Even if she doesn’t live in the same house anymore, even if her life has changed. It was never supposed to.

“So. I’m worried about you. You’re missing class and skipping meals. You think I don’t notice when you go to school in the same clothes as the day before. I know that this all has to be a lot for you, believe me I know how life can just take everything and spit you out expecting you to recover like nothing happened. I know-.”

“You don’t know,” Julie bursts, tears starting to well up in her eyes. “You can’t possibly know what it’s like. It’s bad enough that you ask my friends to try to talk to me about it, at school even. You don’t get to say that you know what I’m going through.”

Steve takes a breath, looking up at the ceiling. “I didn’t ask them to talk to you about it.”

“But you mentioned it to them, isn’t that enough.” She’s yelling now. Anger that she knows is misplaced, hitting the only target it could find.

“And I’m not saying I know what you’re going through. I’m saying that I’ve been in a place like yours before and it sucks. It’s one of the worst things a person can go through.”

“I get that you had a sad childhood, and your parents were never around. But that doesn’t give you the right to compare your situation to mine.”

It’s a low blow and she knows it. An arrow perfectly aimed just to get him to shut up. To get him to hurt enough to leave her alone. Because she can be mad at him. He’s here to be mad at. Giving her every opportunity to.

Because she can’t be mad at her mom. Julie can’t be mad at her for leaving her alone. For leaving at all. How can she be mad at the dead for leaving. She can wish and pray and beg the universe for her mom to come back. Cry a river of tears caused by the unbelievable grief that it’s left her in. Be upset with all that’s happened to her. Wonder what went wrong that night to take it all away from her.

But angry. No, that wasn’t allowed. She’s not allowed to be angry at her mom, especially for this.

Her words hit their mark, making Steve stop for a second. For his eyes to glaze over just a bit before he blinks it away. She should be remorseful, should take back everything she said and get it over with. But for a small second, she thinks that this might be over. That she can just run away without saying another word and cry herself to sleep for the third night in a row.

But instead, he keeps talking.

“That’s not what I was talking about, but that doesn’t matter. The point of all of this, was to tell you that I’m here if you ever want to talk.” The levelness of his voice is gone, and all that is left is bitterness behind his words. Just like she wanted, but it still stings. For reasons that she can’t quite explain even if she wanted to. But she’s tired of talking, so she just explodes.

“Just stop ok,” she pleads through her raised voice. “You’re not my mom.”

Her chest heaves with her words, the arrow coming back and hitting her instead. Tears well up in her eyes as she grabs her bag, running up the stairs before he can say anything else. And she’s pretty sure he does, but she can’t hear it. Doesn’t care that she didn’t.

Instead, she slams her door and falls into her bed. Not her bed, actually. Because her bed is back in the trailer park with her mom in the other room. Now it’s empty with nothing but her mother’s ghost, and Julie’s not even there to try and say hello.

. . .

“I’m not trying to be,” Steve says as Julie’s running up the stairs. She slams her bedroom door, isolating herself and blocking him out.

It could have gone better. A lot better. It actually went to shit. He didn’t know how else to do it. And he should have just waited, he saw what she was like in the car. That far off distant look as she just gazed out the window and didn’t talk. Not like he would ever force her to, but he wanted her to.

There was a day a few weeks ago where he picked her up, and she was so talkative. Told him about this book that she was reading for a book report and how much she liked it. How she saw herself in the main character, and loved how the world was crafted. Went on a on about it for the whole ride, and even past that. It was great, it was her.

That day, he saw past the grief that’s been encapsulating her. To the girl she was before the accident, before her mom passed. He just wanted to be able to see it more often sometimes.

It’s not like he was trying to speed run her grief, he never would. It just hurt to see her come home every day and shove all her feelings away just to keep a neutral face. To hide the fact that she was hurting from him. He didn’t have the right to see how she really felt, but he wanted to offer the key if she ever wanted to open the door.

So, he tried to, but look where that ended.

He runs a hand through his hair, keeping his hand and the back of his neck with a long exhale. Thoughts rushing through his head on how he can fix this. How he can apologize for pushing, and just take back everything that happened.

It’s an impossible task, he knows. Time, she just needs a little time to cool down. And Steve does too. The focus is on her, but he can’t ignore what she said either. Even if it wasn’t the worst this in the world, it was just enough to make him falter. To make him a little angry. Upset. He knew the technique well. Hurt someone else just because you’re hurting. Doesn’t make it right, but he knows.

Steve’s not angry at Julie, not for what she said. If anything, he’s just sad. Hurts for her and what she is going through. How even though he knows grief, he doesn’t know this. Losing a parent is something he never experienced, not like this. But he still wants to reach out.

He gives it an hour, lets her have her space. For her to cool down, and for him to as well. Let’s what happened settle in, so it’s not rushed.

Standing in front of Julie’s door, he knocks gently. She doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t hear music coming through the room, but that doesn’t mean she’s listening. He still talks anyway.

“Julie. I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring it up like that, and I didn’t mean to make you upset. I could have been gentler, could have said it differently. And probably could have waited for a better time. But I’ve been worried about you for a while now. And while you probably don’t want me to be, it’s true. You’re my sister, and while we haven’t known each other for a long time, I still care about you.”

He pauses, thinking about what to say, and how to say it. To tread lightly. Deciding it’s best just to take a step back, just a bit.

“I’m going to be honest, I have,” he takes a deep breath, “no idea what I’m doing. When you showed up at my door that night, I didn’t know what was going to happen past that. What I did know, is that I wanted to help you. I wanted to get to know the sister that I never knew, that I was never given the chance to know. And you let me, you let me give you a space in my house, you let me into your life. Sure, there were a lot of other factors in there that I’m sure influenced that decision, but I hope at least part of it was that you wanted to get to know me too.”

Steve rests his head on the door, willing himself to just find a point to this. “You’re right, I have no clue what you’re going through. The other things in my life that I’ve gone through, they might be similar, but they’re not the same. And I would never say that they are. But I’m here for you, whether you want me to or not. You’re the only blood related family I got, too. I’m not going away that easy. But I can never know how you’re feeling if you don’t let me in.”

He waits a minute, seeing if she would open the door. But the hall clock’s second hand the only sound filling the space, so he steps back and turns to walk away. Until the door lock clicks.

“What about your parents?” Julie asks, door open.

A sigh of relief escapes his lungs, He might have done something a little right.

“I was sixteen when they left for two years straight with barely a phone call from them every few months. The only time they came back was to reprimand me for not getting into college the day of my high school graduation. They didn’t even go to the ceremony. I might be related to them, but they’re no family.”

Julie stares at him with tears still painting her eyes. Hair falling out of her ponytail and sweatshirt sleeve cuffs still a little damp. “You were left alone, here, all by yourself at sixteen?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “I know a little what it’s like to be left behind at this age. Not the same, but not entirely different.”

She opens the door a little more, motioning with her head for him to come in. He walks into the room, sitting down next to her at the foot of the bed.

“I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t really mean it.”

“Don’t worry about it. I know you didn’t. I’m sorry for pushing.”

Wiping a fresh tear off her cheek, she pulls something from underneath the bed and holds it in her lap. A small journal. “Don’t be. I think I needed you too, just a little bit.”

“Can I ask what that is?”

Julie presses her lips together, blinking away a lingering tear. She hands him the journal, letting him take it. He doesn’t look in it though, it doesn’t feel right.

“I pretty much have a journal a year, sometimes two.” She points to the tall stack of journals on her desk. “Every year since I was seven. I wrote stories in them, journal entries, and drew pictures with them. A few years ago, I got an empty journal to write a story in for my mom. And every year, I would ask for it back and write a new story in it. It was her birthday present every year.”

He looks at the journal in his hand, already knowing where this is going. “I’m sure she loved it.”

“She did,” Julie whispered. “I never got to finish the one for this year. After everything that happened, just couldn’t bring myself to look at it. Let alone finish it.’

“I’m sure she would understand, you’ve had a rough couple of months.”

“Yeah,” she lets out a shaky breath. Leaning her head back on the foot of the bed and looking up towards the ceiling. “Today’s her birthday,” she chokes out. “And I just feel so guilty for not finishing it.”

Steve doesn’t quite know what to do, but he’s trying. “Hey,” he places a hand on her shoulder. “It’s ok.”

“No, it’s not.” Tears start to roll down her cheeks faster than she can wipe away. “I’m just so sad that she’s gone, and then I get angry. I get angry at her for leaving, and at the accident for happening. Then I get upset for being angry because I know it wasn’t her fault. I can’t be mad at her for something that’s not her fault.”

“You still have a right to feel whatever you are about it all though. Be mad at the universe, not her. Be upset that she’s not here anymore, wish that she was here. All of those things.” He laughs in his head about the irony of what he’s saying, about what he’s going to say. How it took other people telling him to do the same thing for him to finally let himself feel. “Keeping it all bottled up, ignoring that they’re there and telling yourself that you shouldn’t feel this way. That’s not healthy, believe me.”

Julie looks at him, finally. Eyes puffy and cheeks stained with tears. “I miss her.”

“I know you do.”

The dam lets itself loose and Julie crumbles, leaning toward Steve as she breaks. He pulls her into a hug similar to the one that he gave Dustin months prior when they were waiting in hospital rooms. Holding her close to shield away the bad, as the emotions ignored to keep appearances finally break free. Letting her know that he’s safe, and he’s here.

That he’ll always be here.

Part 10

Tag list(let me know if you want to be added or removed): @homoerotictangerine, @mugloversonly, @thesuninyaface, @imyelenasexual, @anaibis, @ilovecupcakesandtea, @brainsteddielyrotted, @jackiemonroe5512, @eddie-munsons-missing-nipple, @goodolefashionedloverboi, @cinnamon-mushroomabomination, @lolawonsstuff, @writingandmushroomdragons, @stevesbipanic, @sierra-violet, @steddie-as-they-go, @dauntlessdiva, @mousedetective, @the-daydreamer-in-the-corner, @zombiethingy, @connected-dots-st-reblogger, @that-agender-from-pluto, @allyricas, @cheddartreets, @devondespresso, @crypticcorvidinacottage, @queenie-ofthe-void @chronicpainstevetruther, @cheddartreets, @theupsidedownrealestateagent, @acidbubblegummie, @sirsnacksalot, @l0st-strawberry, @helpimstuckposting, @strawberry-starss, @freddykicksasses, @italianwhore1, @i-threw-my-name-out-the-window, @rageagainsttheapathy, @nuggies4life, @ape31, @whimsicalwitchm, @chrissycunninghamfanblog, @michellegilligan, @hippielittlemetalhead, @bridget-malfoy-stilinski-hale, @jaytriesstuff, @confused-stripes, @faeb1tch42069, @marklee-blackmore, @hel-spawn, @genderless-spoon, @mamafaithful, @estrellami-1, @starryeyedpoet17 @i-amthepizzaman, @lilpomelito @melonmochi

[bosskie]

Molluck Study Night

Man, I don't remember when was the last time I managed to draw this many sketches in a day... Last night I studied Molluck's anatomy, so the rest of the sketches here will be about naked Molluck. But this was the last one I did since I also wanted to just practice drawing his face. I had no idea how to draw him but then I just looked at those cutscenes and wanted to draw this one because he is just so cute when he is pondering after looking at the blimps in the first part of the good ending! This wasn't easy one to draw and I actually fixed this a bit digitally since I realized my mistakes while editing the photo of this... It just feels like I still have so much to learn how to draw this Gluk... I feel like I lack of something, making me unable to ever be professional in art, but maybe I just haven't been doing enough art, studies etc...

But currently, I do am trying to improve my art since I feel like I'm just stuck and haven't really improved in a decade... So, here's some random Molluck anatomy studies, being in order I made them:

These are actually quickly made sketches, so that's how I was actually able to draw this much in one night... Though, I finished that portrait after waking up since I become too sleepy to finish it. I personally feel like these sketches only show how poor my anatomy skills are, so I wasn't even sure if I post these or not but well, still wanted to be brave and show my poor skills bare naked, just like Molluck is... This is just how I feel about these sketches... They show my real skill level and I don't think that it's good... Well, gotta just keep drawing. Though, I do still sketch a lot poorer stuff when I try to figure out how to realize my drawing ideas... Well, I guess that I could give you a look at these actually awful sketches:

All of these are made for a sketch/drawing I have posted here. (Yes, I tend to sketch stuff using Paint.) Frankly, this is how I tend to see my skills, how I feel when I look at my stuff... I know that it's not nice to see an artist calling their art bad but I just wanna be honest, like brutally honest about how I see my stuff, so here's kinda like a visualisation of how I see my stuff, at least during my worst moments... There do are moments when I do feel like I can actually draw but they seem to be just little moments and I'm soon back to thinking about that I cannot draw a thing. It's depressing and it makes me feel kinda depressed when I look at the stuff on this post but well, this blog has also kinda been about the journey I have been doing with my Molluck art/stuff, in many ways.

I'm sorry but I just cannot pretend that I loved my art... I love Molluck so much but at the same time, I just hate myself so much... I don't even know why but I just feel like my life is already a failure... Just feel like how this stuff shows how I cannot truly draw... How me being skilled is just a lie... Man, I just have so bad impostor syndrome... I feel the best when I forget myself but when I think about myself, it only depresses me... I just tend to think that every energy/time/etc. spent on me is wasted...

Even looking at the stuff on this post makes me feel worse, I still wanna post this bad art. I just don't feel like that the portrait looks great either but I tried my best and that's the main thing. I just feel so bad about myself... It feels like I'm only able to practice self-love thru Molluck, making him being kind to me while I tell myself the worst possible things... This is one of the reasons why he is so important to me... He is the one that tells me inside my head not to do it, not to end it all... Frankly, like I said some time ago, it's actually like a mundane thing for me to think about suicidal things, just nothing special anymore, it's been so long like this, over a decade... This also kinda one reason why I'm so open about my own situation, I'm getting so tired of this... To describe how awful my mind is, I can say that it has just laughed at me when I have been reading about how seriously suicidal thoughts should be taken, said how I'm not worth saving but all the others are...

But I'm still trying to fight, even I have felt like life is pointless for over a decade... The cycle of life has just felt so odd: born, grow up, (breed,) die... Like, what's the point of this all? Why to live, why to survive... Thinking this stuff was the reason why I got depressed, just don't understand the point of living, doing anything in life... Maybe it's my personality that just makes me unable to enjoy life, stop caring about this... But like I have said, I do still feel like I'm a failure, so I'll never really be anything... This is how I just feel and I don't know how to stop feeling like this... Just everything I have 'achieved' feels like mere luck or 'lucky mistakes'... I just feel like I'm a living lie, my impostor syndrome is this bad...

I don't wanna depress anyone else but my blog has kinda become like this, that I also write how I'm doing with my mind since it affects my stuff a lot and Molluck kinda just keeps my mental health 'in place'. I really had some positive things in mind to write here but I just cannot when I feel like my 'art' looks so bad right now... Well, another time then. I'm sorry but I'm just fighting for my own life with my mind... Since I more like hate my creations, I'm only able to show my stuff related to Molluck since this Gluk is just the love of my life... This was also the reason why I didn't take part in that OWI's fan celebration thing they just held, just have no mood for making my stuff more visible, show it around but here. Like I have said many times, I felt like deleting my submission to that SoulStorm tattoo contest I won, it just looked so bad in my opinion... I only wish I was able to see what the people who enjoy my stuff see... Why is my mind just trying to kill me, but there somewhere I still know that I'm not so awful as my ill mind tells me, that I do have hope, that I shouldn't take my own life... Man, brains are so odd too...

I don't wish that I end this all because of all the bad things I tell myself. I more like wish that me being open about this can help the others like me. That's why I'm also working on a game related to mental health issues like mine. Thinking about publishing/showing it makes me feel nervous though but I'm trying my best with being able to show my stuff since my life kinda depends on it... Man, why it's so difficult to feel anything positive about myself... I seriously don't know why I hate myself so much... Why I have so high expectations for myself... Why I feel like I can do nothing in reality...

[underworld-park-offical]

TOLKIEN: God what's your problem now

TOLKIEN: So what if he has only twenty followers?

TOLKIEN: It is not  that deep

CRAIG: Omg not you assuming that this is about his follower account

CRAIG: It is LITERALLY not about that

TOLKIEN: Then what is it about?

CRAIG: He was in like

CRAIG: All of my classes

CRAIG: It's giving stalker

TOLKIEN: So what?

TOLKIEN: That's how scheduling works

TOLKIEN: Maybe this is fate like

TOLKIEN: Saying this guy is supposed to be friends with you?

TOLKIEN: I don't know!

CRAIG: Omggggg it's giving fortune teller, slayyyyy

CRAIG: But maybe ur right

CRAIG: Tho idk

CRAIG: He just gives me off vibes

CRAIG: Like Dahmer or something.

TOLKIEN: Are you implying he might be a demon?

CRAIG: Yeah, what else would I be implying?

CRAIG: That I'm trying to rizz him up??

CRAIG: Ew

CRAIG: I'm dead

CRAIG: I am

CRAIG: Deceased

TOLKIEN: I fucking hate you

CRAIG: I love you too bbg

CLYDE: Back off!!

CLYDE: MY KITTEN!!

CLYDE: Ggrr… >:(

TOLKIEN: Clyde, this isn’t discord-

CLYDE: …

CLYDE: ….Oh

CLYDE: (HISS)

CRAIG: OMG EW

CRAIG: Get away from me with your discord moderating ass!!!

CLYDE: (Growls)

CRAIG: EWWWWWUHHHH

TOLKIEN: ( Keep going, hun, maybe he’ll finally leave )

CRAIG: That kid was like

CRAIG: Weird as fuck

CRAIG: He probably smells or somethi-

CRAIG: (fake ass voice) Ohmigod Heyyyyyyy!

TWEEK: I heard you talking shit about me

TWEEK: Not cool, dude

TWEEK: I just got here and you already want drama

TWEEK: And you know what?

TWEEK: You’re the biggest fucking asshole I've ever met

TWEEK: You literally talk shit about people who give you a bad feeling because deep down YOU know you're insecure

TWEEK: You’re probably lying about the millions and millions of viewers you have you little shit

TWEEK: They're probably either bots or desperate sticky iPad kids who have too much fucking free time

TWEEK: You DESERVE all the hate you're getting right now

TWEEK: You dont know when to stop and leave someone alone.

TWEEK: One of my best friends is LOCKED in his ROOM because of your two tone google chrome metro phone yeezy breezy lemon squeezy supreme krispy creme looking ass!

TWEEK: You are a SHITTY person and let's not lie here

TWEEK: Your content SUCKS

TWEEK: It's so basic and “trendy” it makes you look bad

TWEEK: It makes you look worse, in fact

TWEEK: Oh and your Grimace Shake video? FLOP. 

TWEEK: You can't even fucking DANCE

TWEEK: Getting those piercings to LOOK like an edgy emo but really, it makes you look like you have a stupid reverse smiley face or a goddamn death wish

TWEEK: GOD you're just- RRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!

CRAIG: ….

TWEEK: I've never met anyone as INSUFFERABLE and DOUCHEY as YOU ARE

TWEEK: Everytime I'm near you I just want to SHAKE AND STRANGLE YOU

TOLKIEN: Oh my god

TOLKIEN: You're saying everything that I'm thinking right now

CLYDE: PREACH PREACH PREACH

TWEEK: GRAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

TWEEK: ( angry feet stomping )

CRAIG: This bitch crazy

CRAIG: Like the video if you agree

TWEEK: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???

CLYDE: …Hey

CLYDE: Hey uh

CLYDE: Do you wanna like

CLYDE: Do you

CLYDE: Do you wanna like

CLYDE: Sit

CLYDE: Here???

CLYDE: Maybe???

TOLKIEN: Yeah, you seem cool

TWEEK: Uhh…. sure???? 

TWEEK: As long as I don't have to sit next to this supreme covered, blue balled, narcissistic prick

(EDITS AND GRIMACE SHAKE VIDEO DRAWING MADE BY @pissblanket <333 )

[moonstruckme]

Dude, I need a relationship advice from you. and please be blunt and honest with me.

So I have fiancee. To start with, I never read AO3 or tumblr near him, cos I don't want him to see me as this crazy maniac girl who loves weird and questioning fanfics that doesn't makes sense and out of line from normality. And plus our environment kinda religious and you have to agree half of the fics in here and AO3 are mostly sinful. Including poly relationship, since it looks like cheating.

Next, since we already engaged and we even planning to marry next year, I just wanna be true to him. I want him to see me entirely, that this is the woman you'll spend your lifetime with, the woman that'll bring your child to the world, etc, etc.

So, I started to read Tumblr even when he's around. Even on his lap, while he watched his mechanical series idk what about. But because I read it on iPad, obviously he also can read it too. And I love your poly marauders a lot. And it's not even that smut, not at all! And I've read something worse than your fluff poly relationship fics.

Well, since he see me read all your poly fics, he asked me about it and then we joked about it. He asked me if I would like to be in a poly relationship. And I jokingly say yes if only marauders, the one you write are real. No other marauders, only your marauders cos I know your marauders are so fucking perfect it's obvious that they won't exist in this cruel world

Suddenly he said, should we try it? Cos next year we won't be able to be crazy again. Next year we'll be tied to one another by god and government. so it'll be our last chance to be crazy. And at this point I really confused cos why the hell he brings this out? I thought we're only joking around. Why he makes it sounds real?

While I want to asked him what is he talking about, he pulled his phone, open Instagram, and show me account of the girls he would like to be in poly relationship with.

And now I'm wondering, if he's joking or not. But he already has a list of girls he wants to be in poly relationship with. And he never heard the word poly before this. Make me questioning if he actually been playing behind me? And see this as a chance to... Idk?

Should I continue this marriage plan. He kinda scared me now. Like, how could you have list of women you want to be with. And it's not fictional women, they are real, and I know this women. They mostly our friends, my friends.

If the list are black widow, or sydney sweeney. I'll be accept it and laugh and thought it just a joke. But it's not, and now I'm not sure about our relationship.

What should I do?

Btw sorry for the long story, I'm not ready to tell this to my family, and idk if I can trust my friends since they all in his list. I don't want to make them feel awkward around me or feel bad

Hi! So, this is obviously deeply personal, and I'm going to try to give my advice because you've asked for it, but I just want to say first that you should do whatever feels right for you and your relationship. I've never been in a relationship and don't know your fiancee, so I can only give you my perspective within those limitations.

It seems like this started because you want to go into your married life having complete honesty with your partner (I would want the same), so my first instinct is to have a frank conversation with him about your concerns and see what he says/how he reacts.

If you're worried he's been cheating on you, though, I can see how he might just lie in that situation. In my own opinion (again, this is just me, do what feels right for you), I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone I don't fully trust. In general, I'd probably try and step back to analyze my relationship and ask myself whether I really want to marry someone I'm already having doubts about. That's me being as blunt as I can.

I really hope it all works out for you honey, and I'm proud of you for wanting to be honest in your relationship <3

[cheriechrome]

 rule breaker - m. Estapa (part 2 of the rule)

part one

details and warnings - grace hughes x mark estapa, brothers best friend, slight alcohol reference, angst but not?

word count- 1518

Oh shit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

grace's pov:

Well, dam when this boy meant “we can talk about this later” he really meant later. It has been almost all of winter break and mark has gone m.i.a, not a single text or call. Which is strange considering before I spilled every thought in my brain about him while crying on his dorm floor we used to talk every day. It’s all I've have been able to think about all break constantly checking my phone in hopes I would see his name. At first, I just thought when he said “talk about this later” he maybe meant when we got back in person but he probably would have told me that. So then that led to phase two of my thoughts which were oh god he hates me, I felt like I fucked up big time. Sure most normal people don’t kiss people they hate or don’t like back but who knows maybe he felt bad, I was kinda a hot mess that night.

 The only thing that made this all worse is I was home. Now, normally I didn’t mind being around my family, especially now that it’s rare that we are all together for very long anymore. If I was at school still I could always use the class or homework excuse but now I can’t. I was stuck in a house with three nosy brothers and parents who knew me too well. Quinn was the first one to point out, that I seemed down and were constantly checking my phone. All four of us were hanging out in the living room when he asked, I tried to brush it off and say I didn’t notice a difference in myself but of course none of them bought it. 

“I don’t know you just seem really anxious lately, I asked Luke if something had happened but he had no clue, so did something happen?” Quinn said genuinely worried.

“Maybe it’s boy issues” jack chimes in. shit.

  “No, I've just been stressed it’s no big deal guys trust me.”

It took some more convincing and maybe a small lie that Beck was the one having boy issues and I was waiting for updates that's why I was constantly checking my phone. They finally somewhat believed me and let it go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that school has been back in session for about two weeks she thought maybe it would be better but Mark is still being weird. He’s definitely ignoring her the best he can which is making her thoughts about this whole thing even worse. Grace and the freshies were hanging out like they normally do when the topic of formal came up. In all the mess of everything, she had forgotten about it which sucks considering she had now just been reminded that she has about a week in a half to get a dress and a date. Out of all the school events happening right now of course the one she needs a date for is when she is knee-deep in boy trouble. 

“Shit I completely forgot about formal what the fuck am I supposed to do for a date?”

“I would say one of us could take you but we already have dates sorry Gracie” Ethan apologized. 

“It's okay, plus I don't know if I want to be the girl who has her brother's friends take her for pity, I’ll figure it out.” 

“I don’t have a date yet actually, no pressure if you want to find someone else and if Luke's chill with it” Mark spoke up, that was maybe the first full sentence he’s really said to her since everyone got back. It felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t have been a big deal but given everything that happened, it was a very big deal.

“Yeah if Grace wants, I’d rather have her go with someone I know rather than some rando, plus it's one night,” Luke tells him.

“Yeah, I’ll go with you mark that's perfect.”

What the fuck just happened?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So he basically gave you his blessing? That's great!” Beck said once grace basically busted the door to their dorm down.

“Well no, he added in “it's only one night” obviously as a no funny business kinda thing.”

“Ok well that's dumb cause a) you are a whole adult and b) you are your own person.”

“True but what’s weird about this whole thing is Mark completely ignores me all of break and is weird when we came back but all of a sudden he doesn't have a date and asks me? What is up with that”

“Well he is a boy and they don’t make sense, but maybe it hit him that the rule is a thing and broke it by kissing you, to me, it seems like he's distancing cause you like each other obviously but he doesn't want to fuck up” 

“But the whole date thing?”

“Well I know I don't kiss people I don't like back so he probably couldn't bring himself to ask anyone else, which is cute.”

“Maybe,” I say still thinking about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Formal came in what felt like 3 seconds. Mark was still being distant the only time they talked was telling him the color of her dress and making the plans with everyone else. Everyone had met at Blanks to pregame. Once she got there it was awkward at first like any dance thing except now they were all adults which somehow made it worse. Also, the weird tension between grace and mark was not helping at all but soon that tension faded and it was nice, like how it used to be. Right now she was talking with Beck and some other people kinda taking a break when she decided it was kinda stuffy inside so she excused herself outside. She was sitting there for about 5 minutes when she heard the door open.

“Hey,” it was mark.

“Hi,” she said shortly.

“You okay?” he asked concerned about why she was outside.

“Yeah it just got stuffy in there and I needed to just clear my head a bit,.” 

“What’s got you down?”

she looks at him like he just grew a third head because there's no way he doesn't know why.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes what is wrong?”

“Mark you have to be playing dumb, what's got me down is I confessed my feelings to like the one person I'm not supposed to and he kissed me but then disappeared and only talked to me when he had to, he’s kinda making it seem like he hates me. That's what has me down.” He’s quiet, he just sits there and doesn't say anything.

“Well?”

“I’m sorry, grace I shouldn't have ghosted you I just- I just realized I had fucked up because your right we shouldn't do this but now I don’t care, the past two months of barely speaking has killed me you bring this light to my life that I've never felt before, and I fucked up by not talking to you so if you hate me now I get it but please just know I feel the same way and I could never hate you, I’ll find a way to make this work cause I love you,” he says rambling in a similar manner to how drunk grace did, so now it was her turn to cut him off with a kiss. It felt like years had gone by, by the time they pulled away from each other. 

“I love you too but how are we gonna do this,”

“I mean sure your brother kinda made it clear this is a one-night thing but at least he was somewhat open to me taking you, people hide relationships all the time so when it feels like time, maybe when team stuff isn’t as serious as it is right now we’ll tell him but I know that I will wait for you until you are ready if that's what you want.”

 “I think I can work with that Mr. Estapa,” she says looking up at him and realizing they have been holding hands this whole time.

“Oh one more thing I got you this,” he pulled out a little black bag, when she opens it inside is a gold necklace with a heart pendant.

“Mark oh my god you didn’t have to do this.”

“Look on the back.” On the back was a tiny engraved 94.

“You always talk about that Taylor swift song with the necklace with someone's initials so I thought this was subtle enough until I can get you the real thing.”

“It's perfect thank you.” she jumped up and kiss him again. She holds out the necklace and lets him put it on for her.

“Let’s go back in before people start looking for us yeah?”

“Yeah ok,” she says taking his hand and going inside. Keeping her crush on him to herself was hard enough how the hell was she supposed to be his girlfriend and keep that a secret?

[rdng1230]

More Ted Lasso Musings

Before I start let me say once again that this season has contained absolutely wonderful moments and is still a wonderful bit of light in a buuuuunch of darkness. Also spoiler warning.

Cool, so I've figured out what's bothering me this season and its that they're either showing us everything and telling us nothing, or showing us nothing (of actual character significance) and telling us everything. in the showing us everything and telling us nothing category we've got my love Keeley Jones. I feel like we've spent a massive amount of time at KJPR and I still feel like I'm scratching my head as to what they were trying to tell us. They've set Keeley up to be this incredibly competent and bright person, and when they give her her shot it all goes to shit. and I get it "you can't always get what you want" so says the song for this season's trailer, but I'm struggling to understand the thing that she got that she needed that she didn't already have. She had Rebeccas love and support, I mean she has Roy back but this does not seem like the show where the moral of a long story about her starting her own business is that she has her boyfriend back. I actually would love people's take on what you think we're supposed to get out of Keeley's storyline.

Onto the telling but not showing category we got my guy Nate the Great. He has been so totally short changed this season on his redemption arc. It is HARD to become a better person. It is HARD to admit you fucked up. It is HARD to turn against your own knee jerk insecurities and reactions. It is ESPECIALLY HARD to do that in an environment that is actively incentivizing you to act on those insecurities and reactions. So even though I absolutely believe Nate deserving and capable of these huge leaps forward in overcoming his own internal crap, I think we've completely sidelined that narrative of what's pushing him to actually take those huge leaps forward. At the end of season 2, it was clear Nate was really struggling, and I'm not gonna lie I hated the way he treated those around him, like Beard said it was "personal, and weird" but I also felt a huge amount of sympathy and compassion because no one gets that way without something horrible happening to them first. So when the last scene of season 2 happened and he was teased as this big time villain, I was sad, but not surprised. I expected him to get his redemption, but I also expected that to be a really difficult journey for him where he was likely going to get worse before he got better. So now we're in season 3 and he suddenly just makes all these huge leaps forward, they feel from out of nowhere, not because I don't feel like he's capable of it, but rather that should've been more difficult to do, and also it should've been a moment of great personal triumph for Nate! The way I think of it is imagine if Rebecca had just waltzed into teds office in season 1 and confessed about the sabotage with no context. Sure we would've believed her capable of it, sure we would've believed she deserved forgiveness, but we all would've been scratching our heads as to what made her have this reckoning within herself. they would've told us Rebecca changed instead of shown why and how she changed like what they're doing with Nate.

I actually think there's so many parallels between the relationship of Nate and Jade and the relationship of Roy and Jamie. Both Nate and Roy made stupidly bad and self destructive decisions around the end of last season. Both are in a low point in their emotional journeys, almost all of Nathan's emotional scenes have been with Jade while all of Roy's emotional scenes have been with Jamie. The thing is, that's not where their respective internal work really needs to get done? Nate already took the plunge and asked out Jade last season, and Roy already showed real vulnerability when he hugged Jamie after the thing with his dad (not that I think that means everything wrapped up with a shiny bow or anything, but just that each character has much bigger fish to fry in terms of character growth) I do think Nate and Jade have become really cute just as Roy and Jamie's scenes have felt ripped straight out of a fluffy fanfic. but do these scenes actually show us that Nate/Roy are getting better? We've already seen Nate being an absolute sweetheart with the women in his life who he loves, his mother, his niece (even if we didn't actually see her till this season it was clear that they had a very warm and positive relationship) and Keeley, so him being able to be vulnerable and open up with Jade is lovely, but not really that new of a territory. If we could just see Nate having a shift maybe with his coaching staff or the West Ham players, this would feel more meaningful because we saw him struggle way more with people he perceives as part of his own hierarchy structure. Its the same with Roy. We've seen Roy open up to Jamie in the past so their relationship, while fucking adorable, is not doing anything to address the real struggle inside Roy that he's ignoring. It would be way more meaningful to see Roy have moments where he chooses to have joy instead of running away. Instead we get scenes like where the sports pundit squad just says oh by the way Nate left West Ham, in the same way that Ms. Bowen says to Roy that he seems less stuck. Umm what? Since when? what happened? All tell and no show. Or showing only the least character growth relevant scenes and then just be like oh by the way they fixed it.

reblog and comment away because I'm interested in people's take on this.

[patheticrafeenjoyer]

and if i said rafebarry?

she's gonna save me call me 'baby': barry basically uses exclusively pet names "baby boy" "big boy" "pretty baby" "pretty boy" "baby" (tbh i don't think he's a "babe" kind of guy) so like this part goes without saying....

run her hands through my hair: barry carding his hand through rafe's hair when it's long (like s1 & 2 era) and then stroking over the buzzcut too,, like when rafe's laying on the couch with his head in barry's lap.... or when barry passes by where rafe's sitting... or when they're wrapped up together one hand absolutely goes to the back of the head to cradle his skull

she'll know me crazy: can't stress this enough but barry is intimately aware of how crazy rafe is.... like he's been there for some of rafe's insane plots or has directly witnessed the immediate aftermath. like trust barry knows. [plus in s3 when barry's like "i gotta be honest with you, dawg, i don't know if it got this in me, bro." and rafe goes "i do." and barry's like "yeah... i knew you did" like y'all he is WELL AWARE]

soothe me daily: maybe this is just a thing i noticed, but barry seems like the one person in the show who can distract rafe from the things he's planning on doing/the things he's thinking, and he seems to be the only one who can do it in a way that rafe will listen to (at least to some degree) [i'll have a post coming about this trust], so i am very much of the belief that he can divert rafe's attention away from whatever bad/crazy thing he's thinking about and soothe whatever frustration/anger/fear/etc. is bubbling inside him

better yet, she wouldn't care: barry is soooooo unphased by rafe. like yeah sometimes he's like 'oh bro whaaaat' in the moment, but ultimately he simply does not care that much. like in s1 when rafe and barry go to the garage and jump kie and jj, kie shouts "you murdered peterkin" and for only one second, barry's face is shocked, and then he's just over it and back to what he was doing before. and then after that he makes some lighthearted comments about rafe killing peterkin ("badder than i though, country club"). and then there's the "just tell me whatever the hell you done, 'cause i can promise you, whatever it was, i done worse". and then there's the whole going to the chateau to fuck the pogues up and the whole melting the cross situation. like in canon barry is very much aware of rafe's crazy, and in my head it's even more so

[bonus excerpt from something i'm working on: "He runs his finger over the cut, watches Barry’s muscles flex at the feeling of his fingertips on raw, open skin. His finger comes away coated in red and Rafe, before he can even stop himself, pops his finger in his mouth for a taste. 

His brain lights up like a christmas tree at the taste of it, metal and bitter and so, so good. He savors it like a candy, swears he can feel the Barry of it all even though he rationally knows that’s impossible. Nothing feels very rational right now, though.

Fucking crazy, Barry says again, words soaked in adoration and fondness. Rafe’s crazy, no doubt about it, but if Rafe’s crazy then Barry’s positively insane for keeping him around."]

some other jackie and wilson lyrics that scream rafebarry that i won't elaborate on bc this is already insanely long... use your imagination and consider the delusional shit i already talk about it and you'll be able to see the vision clear as day:

"so deep in this swill with the most familiar of swine / for reasons wretched and divine"

"laughing away through my feeble disguise / no other version of me i would rather be tonight"

"lord, it'd be great to find a place we could escape sometime"

"every version of me dead and buried in the yard outside"

"we'd sit back and watch the world go by / happy to lie back, watch it burn and rust" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this whole song is just so

[shadowmaat]

It's only going to get worse, folks.

Mullenweg says that users might start with just a Tumblr blog but then, over time, want to expand into something larger — an e-commerce store, a more customizable site, a newsletter or a membership site — and Automattic could direct users to other products it offers that allow those possibilities, like WordPress.com or WooCommerce, and others. “I’m excited about that on-ramp as well as to bring a younger demographic and young people into WordPress,” Mullenweg noted.

It was never about "saving" tumblr, it was about driving more traffic to Automattic.

And yeah, that "younger demographic" thing comes up a couple of times. It's part of the base code of the internet: the "younger demographic" is the only one that matters. Which is stupid, since your "younger demographic" becomes your "older demographic" over time. AKA your long-time userbase. Why the hell would you want to alienate the people who've been with you forever in order to chase the youngers? "They have more disposable income" is a lie that needs to finally die.

Mullenweg is also severely disconnected from reality when it comes to "AI."

“For Tumblr…I think it can make our developers a lot more productive…the code could be checked by AI or tested by AI or something like that. So that’ll allow us to do a lot more with the same or fewer developers, which is really exciting. So maybe our pace of development can increase,” he said. Plus, AI can be a help in moderation, flagging things before they’re even reported by Tumblr users. In addition, AI and machine learning could make the Tumblr feed better and more personalized to end users. “You can tweak it and it can really learn the things you want to see and the friends you want to follow,” he said. The exec was also generally bullish on generative AI as a tool for artists, which may benefit the community that uses Tumblr, but didn’t note that Tumblr itself would build gen AI tools.

I feel like Staff is just as under threat as the rest of us with this. He's gonna try and save money by potentially cutting staff and relying on "AI" to handle coding checks and moderation. Yeah, because robomodding has worked so well in the past. /sarcasm

He also seems to have missed how much "AI" is loathed by artists. Like, yes, it can and has been used as a tool to help artists create their own unique works, but it's far, FAR more commonly used as a way to steal the work of others, tweak it, and regurgitate it as something "new" with no actual artistic changes made by the non-artist end user.

This is the future of tumblr. No wonder our feedback goes unanswered. It also seems I was right in guessing that being a long-time user is considered a bad thing: we're "old" and the only ones that matter are the "young."

Huh. I wonder if any of that plays into the under-20s believing the over-20s don't belong here.

ANYWAY! Now's a good time to mention that Pillowfort isn't owned by corporate sponsors and works well as a blogging platform. Dreamwidth is also out there, but reminds me more of Livejournal than tumblr in its mechanics.

Damn. I knew tumblr was taking a downward trend but I didn't realize we were already circling the drain.