#self projections without the projection of mommy issues

[daportalpractitioner]

mommy's moon sign: a thread ☾ part two — libra thru pisces

if you're looking for part one (aries-virgo), then click here

libra moon: if your mom has a libra moon, she could have been more preoccupied with her relationship with your father rather than putting herself in a position to be focused on her pregnancy + preparing a balanced environment for you. libra moon mamas often go through it with the father of the baby if they prematurely decide to have kids outside of wedlock (we don't judge over here). your mom could have been more focused on the aesthetics of motherhood + also on you being able to have both parents under one roof to be able to fit her ideal family picture. this mentality could have led her to distract herself from the bigger picture which is making sure that she is in a healthy, fulfilling relationship with your father. i wouldn't be surprised if you knew more than you should have when it comes to your parents' relationship as a child. with libra being the sign of relationships, the relationship patterns that your mother exhibited when pregnant with you could have been something that you picked up on, whether it be healthy or unhealthy. beware of issues with co-dependency + people pleasing passed down from your mom as those are big themes that must be overcome in the life of a libra moon mama. libra moon mamas hold a lot of resentment due to being so passive about people overstepping their boundaries + could project that pain onto you if it remains undealt with. as her child, she may be triggered by her relationship with you because she sees you as her mirror. encourage her to have strong boundaries. it's okay for her to say no and she won't be hated for it. respect her decisions. be sure not to be the child that coddles her emotions at the end of the day because she is a grown ass woman, but you should affirm her that it is okay to self-validate without trying to over-rationalize however she feels so that she can move through her emotions + not be avoidant.

scorpio moon: the moon is in a debilitating position (fall) when in scorpio, therefore, it isn't uncommon for women to have a painful pregnancy due to all of the trauma being stored in the womb. your scorpio moon mama may have lived in a state of fear or distrust during her pregnancy + i wouldn't be surprised if she felt alone due to not trusting people. this lack of nurture within the womb was definitely passed down to you if she didn't take accountability to heal from the pain that she experienced. scorpio moon mama would kill to make sure that all your needs are met, but when it comes to handling intense emotions, she may have not known how to navigate those with you (similar to capricorn moon mothers). scorpio moons experience a wounded relationship with their own mother + now that it's their turn to be a mom, they want to be better for their children. motherhood is definitely something that transformed them for the better + they really have the make a conscious effort to not display the same patterns that hurt their inner child. be patient with her + even though you are not responsible for her emotions + how she handles them, provide a safe space for her so that she knows that she is not alone. having emotional boundaries with your mother is also important — not having those boundaries with her can manifest into perpetuating a preoccupied/anxious attachment within yourself.

sagittarius moon: sagittarius moon moms usually end up unexpectedly pregnant. i've noticed that a lot of sag moons are not aware of their cycle which can definitely be responsible for unexpected pregnancies. nonetheless, their pregnancy + motherhood is something they ended up being excited about. they could have had a "fuck it, we ball" mentality because realistically speaking, such is life. lack of preparation could have led to instability in your mother's life while she was pregnant + even after giving birth, bouncing around from place to place. sagittarius moon mamas usually have a youthful + humorous personality, being able to relate with their children + make them laugh. it can be hard to take a sagittarius moon mother seriously because they're usually deemed as the "cool moms" that are very lenient with their children. they can often struggle with disciplining their children because of their own free-spirit nature. if your mother didn't prioritize structure + routine while raising you, it's possible that you downloaded that naturally chaotic, fiery, and unpredictable energy that she also has. sagittarius moon mamas need to be able to teach their children that there are consequences to their actions so that their kids don't end up getting in trouble later on in life or even dangerous situations. hold your own mother accountable for her actions + don't be afraid to put her in her place! she has a lot to learn from her experience as a mother, which includes listening to the ones that she birthed.

capricorn moon: capricorn moon mothers usually have children later on in life (not always though) - either way, the universe granted them their babies when they were ready + prepared to take on this mission as a mother. before motherhood, capricorn moon mommies could have performed the motherly role in other ways (eldest sister, nursing/doctor/healer career, etc etc) so this is not their first rodeo. capricorn moons get a reputation for being cold + stern, which is how they may come across but really they are just not about the bullshit + they take their role as a mother very seriously. they recognize how serious motherhood is and therefore you are going to respect the fuck out of your capricorn mother, even if you don't agree with some of the things that she has tried to instill in you. capricorn moon mothers are focused on legacy + will do her best to make sure that she raises well-rounded children, setting them up for success. so if you have the kind of mother that has tried to shove education + career down your throat, it's because she just wants you to be successful. they also may struggle with being in their feminine energy, especially if your mother is the provider in the house so as her child, you should encourage her to do some therapeutic activities with you to ease some of that stress. though she takes her role as a mother very seriously, there is no denying how stressful the role is on her + can really take a toll on her physical body. if she's open to it because i know how traditional capricorn moons can be, i highly recommend going to therapy together in order to unpack + heal some of those deep seated emotional blockages that can really help to improve + strengthen the family unit.

aquarius moon: these are the unorthodox mothers. the mothers that have instilled confidence in their children from a very early age. your mother may have gotten pregnancy at an awkward time in her life, therefore she realized that she had to start getting real strategic around here to ensure success for this nu era in her life. with an aquarius moon mother, there may have been some distance between you two, whether it be physical or emotional distance. i've noticed that people with aquarius moon mothers were raised by their grandparents or were adopted + don't really know their mother like that (along with pisces moon mamas). if your mother was present throughout your entire upbringing, you may have noticed that she was preoccupied with other tasks such as showing up for her tasks in the real world. there could be strain between you and your mother because you may have felt like she could have paid more attention to you. regardless of how your relationship with your mother manifested, you more than likely came out to be very independent + confident enough to march to the beat of your own drum. these are the moms that started cursing in front of their kids since they were babies. because aquarius moon mamas are very independent themselves, you could have felt like your aquarius moon mama robbed you of your childhood because you too had to learn how to become independent + self-reliant from a young age, resulting in inner child wounds. because the relationship that you have with your mother is not like the traditional mother-child relationship, she can come off more like a friend or an older sister, also resulting in mother wounds because of that lack of motherly nurturance that the child craves + needs. learning to become emotionally vulnerable + transparent with your mother is a theme in order to evolve the relationship. validate where you feel like she may have lacked while also respecting the fact that she did the best that she knew how to. she needs you as someone to hold her ego accountable.

pisces moon: similar to the aqua moon mom, your mother may have been there, but also not "there". there could have been a period in your life where your mother was not physically present + you had to be raised by someone other than her (grandparents, foster care, aunts/uncles, etc). your mother may not have been in the most ideal situation when she got pregnant with you + pregnancy could have also been a karmic consequence for not listening to her intuition. regardless, when she knew she was pregnant, there was no way she could give up the opportunity to be a mother. if your mom was physically away from you, she was always there in spirit, praying for you + making sure that you are spiritually protected even if it's just by asking the powers that be to watch over you. like the other water moons, pisces moon mama may have had a traumatic relationship with their mother + may have transferred over that pain into the relationship that you've had with your mom. having a pisces moon mommy is not for the weak, especially if she didn't do her due diligence of karmic clean up, leaving it for you to take responsibility for. pisces moon mamas may also avoid the accountability + the responsibility of being a mother because the weight of motherhood is just too heavy, especially if she has lack of support, which often times they do. regardless of how your relationship is with mom, the energetic bond runs so deep as you are strongly karmically bound in order for certain karmic missions to be completed. definitely not the most reliable mom, but at the end of the day, it will forever be all love when it comes to her children. it's best to just accept her as is - whatever has transpired is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to do better for your own life.

[love-belle]

'cause summers go so fast !!!

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ in which her only goal for the summer was to make it through the season without bashing someone's head in and have fun; not introduce more than half of her colleagues to her family and certainly not showing them around her hometown. but, universe always did fuck with her.

or

for when you realise that you don't have to be sorry for doing it all on your own. ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

real life // f1 grid x fem!reader // lewis hamilton x fem!reader

warnings - language. unhealthy and toxic familial relationships. daddy issues. mommy issues. issues. a lot of self projection in this one so !!

author's note - hi hi hi :) this is a series that im truly excited for and i know that i have like two series in progress but yeah !! this is gonna be me self projecting my feelings onto the reader so beware and don't make fun of me <3 i love you so much!!

chapter i ⋆·˚ ༘ *

❝if i wanted to watch a man and woman scream at each other, i would just go and have dinner with my parents — can i leave?❞

chapter ii ⋆·˚ ༘ *

❝are you okay? i mean, i did watch you fall down the stairs and lay on the ground for about ten minutes saying that you deserved this.❞

chapter iii ⋆·˚ ༘ *

❝oh my god, i shouldn't even have to say this but please, do not bite my cat. her name is coochie — STOP LAUGHING!❞

chapter iv ⋆·˚ ༘ *

❝look — i'll speak on behalf of everyone, we think you're cool and the only reason we didn't really hang out with you is because you intimidate us. a lot.❞

chapter v ⋆·˚ ༘ *

❝charles is a decent driver and we can make a run for it. go inside, tell them to fuck off, throw water at their face, scream at them and then we're getting the fuck out of here.❞

...more !!!

[arcanahangedman]

it fascinates me how the only hate i see for jundori is entirely projection and bad faith interpretation

chidori can be her own three-dimensional character, a homeless orphan abducted by evil corporate overlords for human experimentation, who grows up too fast and has to learn to fend for herself alongside other victims of this abuse, whose love of art and nature contrasts with her apathy to life and suicidal ideation

While. also. being a child who never got the chance for wider socialisation, bewildered by this weird guy’s interest in her art and his insistence on keeping an eye on her (bc she literally fucking c*ts herself in public and is then hospitalised) but his sheer compassion grows on her. someone called their relationship stockholm syndrome and ooooh my goooood Do u even know what that means.

junpei is a 17 year old kid. as a member of sees, he (like the rest of the group) has no idea what’s going on with the kirijo group or their operations, nor does he hold any power over their choice to hospitalise chidori. also she is there bc SHE LITERALLY SELF H*RMS LIKE ARE U DUMB

to act as if junpei is some sort of scheming villain that supports and is responsible for chidori being held hostage instead of being a scared kid, apart of an organisation he is kept entirely in the dark about, concerned about the safety of this other person his age who goes around assassinating ppl and c*tting herself…genuinely u could not think of a more disingenous interpretation of his character if u tried

i saw someone say that chidori is portrayed by fandom as junpei’s “no-panties mommy housewife” (almost that exact wording) and it’s like. What Are You Talking About No She Isn’t. She Is 16 Why The Fuck Would You Even Suggest That Or Word It That Way You Freak

it’s extremely bizarre to write off a ship bc u choose to engage with the cishet male incel side of the persona fanbase and view it through their perspective. like what does that have to do with their actual depiction in the game or ur average tumblr jundori enjoyer.

if u have issues with the power imbalance between the two of them, sure, it’s understandable. junpei is not the one being held against his will and chidori repeatedly protests staying in the hospital (i must stress that i, for one, do not think it wise to leave a minor who consistently self-h*rms without supervision :p) but the presence of a power imbalance does not automatically equal an abusive misuse of that imbalance

last note: ppl like to bring up junpei’s weirdo behaviour towards the other female cast members. i’m not going to treat this as insignificant but it’s also not particularly relevant unless ur arguing that junpei is seeking to control, perv on, or abuse chidori. Which he isn’t lol like he literally just wants to talk to her, stop her from c*tting herself, and show her that she can have a life outside of living on the streets and assassinating ppl with her merry band of men. the worst u could call him is naive (again. he’s 17.) but yeah he’s soooo controlling and abusive, guys !!

i’m not over here saying everyone has to like or support jundori, or either character. everyone has their preferences and idgaf about urs. but it would be sooooo great if we didn’t act as if one of these two children, both mistreated and left in the dark by evil corporate overlords, is actually a subservient overlord pawn who manipulates chidori so he can ?? keep her company when she’s alone and ask her about her feelings ????

anyway this isn’t supposed to be some epic final anti-jundori takedown so if u wanna discuss further, dm me. i don’t want no smoke just bc i think u ppl are genuinely weird 🩷

conclusion: i’m thinking about how that one persona ships poll had a 90% positive response to jundori so like Boom jundori sweep

[v3nusxsky]

Hello how are you

I have a request where lesso and r are dating but lesso is stressed with smt maybe tests? And so she kinda forgets stuff w r or just r in general so r picks up a hobby maybe something scientific ir like building smt (like an ironman suit but its okay if you choose something else) and so lesso finds out and apologises for being so distracted and distant and r tells her about her project/projects

Have a good day :) x

Missing your attention

*Authors note~ooo I think this could realistically be something Leonora would struggle with and a tad self indulgent whoops*

Trigger warnings~ abandonment? Slight mommy kink? Implied smut

Prompt~ see ask^^^

You knew your girlfriend was stressed. After all you only had a class, the Dean of Evil had the whole school to oversee and you knew that must be such a challenge for her. So you expected to see less of the woman but what you didn't expect was how much she seemed to forget things. At first you passed it off as a one time accident and she was so apologetic that you truly couldn't stay mad at her, she's just too damn cute. She'd kill you of course ever you ever told her that out loud, you knew that but you still did so anyway.

Soon enough though, these little things became more frequent and it was truly starting to affect you. You knew she was busy, and you should be okay with that but your abandonment issues were starting to kick in. You'd let yourself get close to someone and now she was gonna do what they all do. Leave. Get you feeling safe and loved only to take it away. You didn't feel enough for her to even bother and remember your existence. You refused to fall into this trap, no you were going to battle the bad thoughts and keep busy. If your busy and she's busy then it will go super fast and then she won't be annoyed with you or call you clingy. She would have absolutely no reason to leave you, you were gonna do something, anything to make sure she would stay.

You began to spend your spare time in the lab, working on the mechanics of an Ironman suit but designing it to look more like the suit that the black widow wears. It was fairly obvious you had a thing for redheads, so it was no surprise your inspiration was Nat from the Marvel series you'd binged recently. The mechanics you felt were the hardest to grasp really after all you were doing this as a pure novice only using books to learn and guide you. You'd had setbacks after all crossing the two suits together was difficult. But you were making headway now and you couldn't be prouder of your achievements. Sure you had bad days, days where being without Leonora felt physically painful but you pushed through knowing that your girlfriend wouldn't come to bed until the wee hours of the morning and would leave before you were even awake for the day.

Leonora knew she felt bad, work had been piling up and preventing her from doing even the basic things like eating and sleeping. And more importantly she'd neglected you. The guilt eating away at her so much that she knew she had to find you. She'd been told that you snuck off somewhere recently and her insecurities grew. If you'd found someone else, she couldn't expect anything else she'd neglected you. But she loves you more than life itself so the thought made her heart shatter into pieces.

Thankfully, when Leonora followed you down to the lab this evening she was met with you adding the finishing touches to the suit and looking through sketches. "Sweetheart?" Leo called slightly worried of you being frustrated with her. "Baby! Hi, come see what I built" you giggled excitedly pointing at your creation and gathering the sketches you made of it.

"Wow, sweetheart this is amazing and you did this all yourself?" She murmured examining the suit and sketches, "this me love?" She purred as you flushed and nodded, "missed you baby" was all you offered in explanation. "I know sweetheart I'm sorry I've been so busy. I've missed you too so so much" she murmured before catching a hold of your chin and using it to guide your lips to hers. The sweet kiss didn't remain sweet for long, after all your bodies missed each other just as much as your hearts did. "Want me to try it on love?" She teased and you flushed red again, as she looked over the sketches once more. "Baby? Really? You do have a thing for that Nat then hmm?" She teased casting you to rush around the lab, putting sketches away and coming back to your girlfriend.

"If you missed me so much why don't you show me mommy" you whimpered kissing her cheek and running off to your shared bedroom, you knew how much Leonora loved the chase. "My little beautiful minx" she hummed before counting to ten and following after you.

Word count~ 854

[bougiebutchbitch]

Okay so House and Amber are basically the same person EXCEPT I don't think Amber is a brat, like I'm not sure she is even a sub.

Also can you imagine a 3 way with House Amber and Wilson. Because I can't, I feel like Wilson would literally tear out all his hair because they would just egg each other on into being completely insufferable.

OUI.

House says 'she's me, but needy' but that is BLATANT PROJECTION because House is canonically established over and over again to be the neediest little bitch while Amber is a strong, independant woman.

Don't get me wrong - Amber has her issues, and I loooooove to poke them. She is terrified of 'losing', like House. She struggles to form genuine connections with people, like House. She finds it easier to manipulate or bully people into doing what she wants, than being vulnerable and open with them and giving them a chance to actually grow to know, like, and care for her.... like House.

But whereas House is a hedonistic brat who enjoys poking people until they snap, getting into ridiculous shenanigans just so he can be slapped on the wrist by Mommy Cuddy or Daddy Wilson, and encouraging literally everyone in his life to stand up to him and put him in his place when he goes too far... Amber really doesn't do that.

She and House both crave being in control. But whereas House is kinda shown over and over again to genuinely want authority figures in his life who he can push back against, Amber doesn't get pleasure in having someone holding her leash, so-to-speak. Instead, I think she resents it.

Plus, she obviously values appearances in a way House doesn't - always so very put-together and socially aware, able to Chameleon her way in with almost anyone. I think she'd dislike subbing because even just the appearance of being 'out of control' would be uncomfortable and upsetting to her.

In contrast, House is the sort of guy who acts up all the time, but wants to be broken down until he can be vulnerable. He's scared of showing that vulnerability, yes, but at the same time, he craves it so fucking bad. Subbing in a contained, controlled scene where he could go right back to being his usual asshole self once it was over would probably make him a lot less miserable!

He gets to be loved and taken care of WITHOUT feeling like he has to get defensive about it, as a disabled guy who's very sensitive about other's perception of him as 'helpless'? He gets to be needy and have those needs met without having to play endless manipulative games and making people hate him? Nice!

(...Okay he'd keep playing games with people anyway because it's fun, but still.)

But yeah, there's my essay xoxox Amber and Wilson are Dom4Dom, House is their on-again off-again bratty third who's desperately in love with Wilson but who plays off Amber furiously and makes it his mission to annoy her whenever she's in the same room. Especially when Wilson punishes him for it.

I'm right and you all know it :3c

[devyuence]

Guess who is the writing team's favorite character in Only Friends? Easy edition

Let's lay out every single thing we know about the characters in the series:

Boston: Playboy and likes to have sex with everyone no matter who they are, hates betrayal, loves photography, has problems with his dad who is a politician, initially a free-loader in their group project but started to contribute, does not care about repercussions to his actions because he's going to NY.

Nick: Obsessed with Boston and willing to be nasty for him, works at the electronics shop even if that is not his dream, willing to be with Dan or whoever but goes back to Boston if he can

Top: Top-tier, asshole, smug, rich AF, has trauma with fire and smoke but not explored well, not used to sleeping alone that he needs pills, drugs or Mew, CHEATER (as what people say), playboy but we haven't seen him kiss another dude in this series except Mew and Boston

Mew: Virgin and cute, table-keeper aka care-taker of the gang, has two moms, likes to read, wants to have good grades, knows what he wants, got LASIK, willing to party and use drugs after getting his heart broken by a top-tier guy, self-confidence got destroyed, dated his best friend but did not work

Sand: Poor boy (not really but sort of), singer who is in a band, works every day that we even have a breakdown of his source of income, sells plum wine but is cautious because it is prohibited, has an ex and mad at Top for stealing the said ex, has a mom who works in a club and a dad he has never met, dreams of traveling and going to music festivals, mentions songs and bands he likes every chance he can that audience can make a Spotify playlist for him, addicted to Ray no matter how Ray treats him like a door mat for the most part, willing to throw Nick under the bus and steal that recording to have his revenge on Top, paid by Ray's dad, has a dedicated Birthday episode

Ray: Rich that a simple project turned to be a large-scale hostel one, uses drugs, always want to pick a fight with everyone (as established in EP1), hot-headed, chronic alcoholic, has attempted throughout the show to drunk drive, crashed the car that he had to go to community service, treats other people like shit (looking at Sand), obsessed with Mew and/or the idea of Mew, multiple offender of kissing people without their consent, had the guts to force people to have sex with them, goes to people's houses unannounced or gate-crashes campings just because he wants to, CHEATER and two-timer (Top and he are in different fonts but is more nuanced and developed than Top due to screen time, anyway move on), gaslit Mew during their talk that even if they are both at fault Mew is the one who is extremely apologetic, has daddy issues that people can relate to, have extensive mommy issues that are left to be resolved but serve as way for the viewers excuse his behavior, has been given several breaking down scenes to fully sympathize with him no matter what happens

Tell me, based on what I wrote, who is the showrunner's favorite character/s? Tell me who is the character that is fully developed in the writing room? Raise your brows but I am letting this list speak for itself.

[dumbdomb]

hi genuine question because i’m autistic and confused, can you clarify what “icky kinks” are??

i don't think there is a definitive answer. from what i've noticed of reading and scrolling through blogs, this is what i've gathered. people who claim they have an interest in "icky kinks" are often tagging or referring to rape play, incest/fauxcest, age play, age gaps (mostly older man with younger woman), misogyny, dyke breaking or corrective rape, patriarchy, forced feminization, detransitioning, underage/pedophilia (maps), and there is often overlap with race play, weight and food based kinks like feederism and weight gaining... many of these people now prefer referring to their icky kinks as: gross, disgusting, dark, hard, taboo, mommy/daddy kinks (which is already established as cgl or titles only kink)...

i think much of the trauma/abuse kink scene was mostly cgl that tried to use different labels bc of the prevalence of underage/nonsexual age regressors harassing adults (and kinksters who often would not Check The Source ™ and unintentionally reblog content from children). many maps also tried to find a place around here, but did so against the majority of users not wanting to interact with people who had self-professed attraction to minors. there was even a very small growing support for race play that was empowering black swers for a time, but most people still didn't like it.

anyway, i am vocal about not wanting people with "icky kinks" to interact with ME because i have a boundary on the above stated kinks, and many people with those kinks will message me in a way that is against my CONSENT and forcing me to participate in their "kink". i say this all the time, but if you don't have consent then it's not kink. not having someone's consent means you are being abusive to that person by engaging in something they have declined to be part of. most, if not all, of the interaction i've received against my stated boundaries has been done by people with claimed "icky kinks". so understanding or ignoring consent seems to be a really serious and big issue for the people interested in these supposed "kinks". (though i'm inclined to believe most of the icky people are abusers who are using popular kinks to hide behind, disguising their true intentions, which is a known and general issue within the bdsm community overall. and one that all kinksters need to be aware of.)

when we talk about kink positivity and not shaming people for their kinks, we also need to talk about people who misuse the bdsm scene to abuse others. this is not, and should not feel like, a safe space for actually abusive people. this is not even a controversial take, that is just how we keep each other safe. very much like what lgbtqia+ community does for each other. we don't tolerate abuse.

i don't think, and am not saying, that all people into "icky kinks" are abusers. i personally think people with these kinks should be able to freely and safely say what they are, without having to face any shame or harassment from the community. it helps everyone to find each other, is respectful of all people's boundaries, and most of all is an action that COMMUNICATES. isn't that what we do? talk, negotiate, understand, take things slow, have safewords and backup plans, aftercare and communication...

there seems to be an astounding lack of knowledge and education i've noticed in younger and new people on kinkblr. and most concerning to me is how many people think it's normal or acceptable to engage in kink with someone who has known limits, and refused consent for specific kinks or activities. respect is a strong foundation in what we do. you can't play with someone if you don't respect them. that is not kink, it's abuse.

additionally, i just want to point out that i would personally be much more tolerant of some of these kinks interacting with my blog if they didn't comment on my posts, include tags, message me, or do anything else to project their kinks on me and engage with me in a way that goes against the boundaries i've already provided without even having to talk to me first! (though it is always good to ask questions and have clear understanding of what is acceptable whenever you choose to be kinky with someone!!)

just to conclude, i don't shame anyone's kinks here and most of my dni list was formed as a response to how people were treating me (disrespectfully, without regard to any of my limits).

hope this helps answer your question and provide some insight into what i'm talking about around here. thanks for asking. if there's anything else you want to know, my ask box is always open. :3

[metaphysicalpistolsoraclemine]

Discovering the Core in Relationships.

This time of bifurcation greatly impacts the macrocosm to microcosm reflection of our relationship to our true God Parents, and distinguishing the difference between the False Parent and the Holy Parent. This will pressure us to transform our relationship foundation to redefine its core, especially in marriages, unions and living together. For this reason, those in marriages or unions may have a harrowing time finding reconciliation and Compassionate ways to resolve any relationship issues as it must evolve to a higher spiritual purpose or complete its cycle.

Every relationship we have is designed for spiritual development, and especially now at the time of ascension humanity is extremely impacted by the changes that have occurred to the male-female dynamic as it connects to our personal growth.

Most people are unaware that many relationships on planet today are directly attracted by the spirit self in order to resolve past ancestral-family patterns, clear blockages, and integrate forces of polarity. All relationships are directly designed for personal growth and consciousness expansion. Without an evolutionary context towards relationships, one is left confused and potentially manipulated by unresolved personal pain. When we can recognize the fear program driving the core foundation in our relationships, we can refuse its control over our personal sovereignty as eternal soul beings. To address the fear is to make sure we keep our heart open for unconditional loving kindness, acting in service to the other, yet maintaining our boundaries for self-love and self-respect. Our goal is to move beyond old painful patterns that have defined our relationships, in the past or present.

First, this is an important time to identify and address the core reasons and beliefs that attracted your current relationship partner or previous relationships. We want to clear the core foundation of relationship attachments or beliefs that have been based on lower root chakra needs; survival, sex, money, glamour, mommy or daddy issues (False Parent), fantasy delusions or material convenience.

Once we can see where we have projected our issues on our relationships, our partner or lack thereof, then we must accept responsibility and seek to change our behavior in the relationship connections immediately.

Krystic Guidelines;

In having greater clarity about what has defined relationships that have previously not been based on loving kindness, service and spiritual development, we can clarify new ways to affirm our dedication to our spiritual principles. When we dedicate the practice of the Law of One to our relationships or to ourselves, we shift current relationships or attract the aligned spiritual mate for us at this time. Some guidelines for the Service to Others and Mastering Love in our relationships:

The inspiration to serve, love and give to your partner's spiritual development/ personal mission, health, happiness and wellbeing is a natural expression that emanates from selfless giving and sustained nourishment.

Emotional issues or energetic conflicts are calmly and accurately represented devoid of emotional drama, blame or exaggeration. Both parties are willing to communicate and willing to forgive and let it go.

Peace, harmony, friendship and nourishment in a comfortable setting, is the energetic quality and deeply intimate feeling of these relationships. Any type of verbal, mental, emotional, or physical abuse is nonexistent. Partners speak to others about their spouse in kind loving ways.

Interactions and communications between partners is maintained with mutual respect, honor and transparency. There is nothing that is intentionally hidden, deceived, contrived or manipulated. If it is subconscious, it will surface and both parties will gently recognize "it", then establish the guidelines to bring that subconscious material into conscious awareness and emotional reconciliation. Ambiguity and confusion is identified as a weakness and is directly dissolved with the mutual desire to communicate and develop consistent energetic clarity.

Expectations are not present. Expectation is replaced with Appreciation. There is natural energetic flow of balance in which both parties assume active-passive exchanges, which are ever evolving and changing to suit the environmental needs. There is no such thing as harping on your partner, because each one shares the responsibility to keep the mutual space comfortable and peaceful. Both partners feel acknowledged and appreciated for their part.

Mystery, seduction, charisma and deceiving behaviors do not have a place in the transparency of a Krystic relationship. Intimate bonding is stemming from unconditional love based on a mutually clear, open, honest assessment of circumstances and of both partners. Fantasy projections, overly romanticized ideals, addictions, hero/damsel in distress, savior/martyr (mostly fictionalized from Victim archetypes), and sexual vampires have no place in this relationship.

These are new relationship templates being created on this planet, and they take an advanced skillset in clearing Negative Ego and Pain Body before this can be effortlessly experienced and achieved. It is important to realize this kind of clarity and bond in a loving relationship can be experienced, and honor the relationships that we have had in our lifetime. Every relationship is an opportunity to gain self-energetic mastery and self-knowledge and is an important stepping-stone to spiritual consciousness development that leads to inner Energetic Balance and then outer sacred union (Hieros Gamos).

Embrace these changes if they occur, as they are divine interventions to protect your heart and soul to unite with your true spiritual purpose. This action is sourced in spiritual freedom and love.

Continue ...

[chainsawcorazon]

and was it wrong for buffy to be willing to sacrifice a couple of lives to save the world? no. but was it necessary for her to devolve into a projection piece for spike’s mommy issues just so he could speedrun his redemption? also fucking no.

the shitasticness of season seven hinges on the fact that buffy’s transformation into a bastard and a general came right after she was beaten into submission season six. if joss wanted to prove how willing she was to sacrifice a couple of lives to save the world, then he should have had her kill willow in season six and anya too after she murdered the frat boys. the problem wasn’t buffy learning to exert her power more ruthlessly. the problem was that spike got more mercy in one season than she did the past three, AND SHE SPENT HER LAST SEASON ON AIR BABYSITTING THIS CLOWN. and yes, i get capitalism, and we always knew spike was being propped up for a bigger future even if none of it came to fruition after ats!5 but this? they were foul for all of it, ESPECIALLY what they did to robin, cuz even when you accept the lore that the vampire is a demon without its soul, the conclusion to robin’s arc was disgusting. couple in the fact that both gunn and fred are being sacrificed for wesley’s manpain in angel, im glad we never had to see a season eight bc there wasn’t anything left to salvage the story after the fact. we can go on forever about toxic feminism and joss’ obsession with womanpain, but the reality was….. we were over that shit. nobody wants to see the main character get beaten into a bench just so the side character can have something to sit on. and yeah, the networks loved spike, and maybe some of it wasn’t even the writing team’s fault, but it is so utterly foul for buffy to look a man in the eye and tell him she’d let her pet dog shred him when giles’ advice wasn’t to kill spike, but to remember what he was and what he’s done and WHY she even let him get close to begin with. she got clowned for it good in the end tho, thank heavens, but oof. if there was ever a time to call it a day on btvs, this was it. she was becoming something that would have eventually left a bad taste in our mouths, and im glad we never had to see her become her worst self. come to think of it, sarah probably clocked that shit at the time too, considering how wretchedly buffy was treated in season six.

[unearthlydream]

im sad and can't focus on work so instead time to scream into the fucking void so it at least looks like i'm trying to write this story thats due at the end of the day.

i keep finding myself thinking "i wish things were normal" and wishing i could go back to pre-Oct 31 and how things were before all of these things happened. but i don't think there is a noraml to get back to and i think that this is just what my life is now. and idk how to cope with that tbh lol ijust wanna jump off a building

i want to be able to see my friends and talk to people and work on craft projects but instead all i do is sit at home in silence after work dissociating into a game or a tv show because i don't have the energy. i can't lie and mask my way through life anymore and i feel uncomfortable w the fact that i can't have a conversation with anyone without them inevitably asking how i am or what i've been up to. how can i even engage with people when i have nothing positive to share and most of the convos just end up with "i'm so sorry, let me know if you need anything"??

my mom has been on and off dying (thankfully off for good now i think? long recovery process) since december. i've cared for my grandpa from oct 31-dec only for him to now be on palliative care. my family is being so normal and cool about it and i'm the youngest one and being forced to deal with all of their issues because my aunt and uncle can't be not self centered for once in their lives-- and obv my mom is dying and my grandma is grieving and helping w my mom so like who else is gonna take care of things and manage people's emotions and be a shoulder to cry on?

so i'm actually doing horribly and don't have the capacity to make up lies anymore. and what have i been up to? spending tons of time in hospitals and then getting various illnesses because people can't seem to mask up in a fucking hospital of all places!!! i don't have the energy to lie anymore bc i'm funneling everything i have into just waking up in the morning and doing thebare minimum to make sure i do'nt die and my household is clean enough that it's not a danger to my cat.

and even when my friends and partnersask like 'how can i support you' -- idfk put a bullet in my brain??? like no one can do anything to help me. i'm alone andhave always been alone and will always be alone and forced to be the mommy in every situation and i'm so tired. i just don't want tot hink. but then when i say 'it stresses me out that you're waiting on me to make the plans for groceries or doing laundry and i just need you to get it done,' i hurt peoples feelings and i'm being too rough.

i'm just so tired. i'm so fucking tired and i wish my brain didn't go from zero to "just kill yourself" so quickly. i wish i knew what i needed and how tomake it better. i feel like my stupid ass needs to be committed. i'm worried about self harming again as i already relapsed late last year amidst all of this. i'm worried one day i'll be so lcose to the end of my rope that i'll act on one of my impulsive thoughts and make things worse for myself.

i don't wanna worry anymore but i think that's just what's in the cards for me. which is like... doubly scary bc of the genetic lottery i've already won (mom had a stroke in her 40s and now is dealing with all of this which like.... most of it is caused by stress and not taking care of herslef and i'm falling down that same rabbit hole without my consent which is so cool and funky fresh).

and the worst part... i don't even think things would be easier if i died. the guilt of knowing what i'm leaving behind won't even let it in the realm of possibility.

this is so long. i might delete this later. but like holy fuck. a bitch needs a fuckin break. a bitch needs a resource officer or somethnig like hold fuck.

[the-derek-lycan-simp]

Headcanon: Derek is an amazing speller and is decent with grammar, but he does not separate his paragraphs which makes it hard for co-workers to comprehend what he’s saying without squinting. And even then, it might take a while to understand without getting a headache first.

[bunnykitty13]

redraw/continuation of last years mother’s day piece cuz its always a really crap day for me :’/ 

[juste-une-etudiante]

Here goes my analysis of the last chapter

I'll leave the emotional growth of Garou, Bang and Tareo for the people who are better versed for such matters, although I must say that I'm really happy that the manga took a rather wholesome turn compared to what happened in the webcomic, and I may briefly mention some stuff to prove a couple of points

So, without further ado, let's begin

Garou has mommy issues

We all suspected that his parents weren't particularly supportive before this happened, seeing how they acted when his son was bullied at school, but this detail really emphasises their neglect towards Garou -they never took responsibility for what his child did, and it doesn't look like they will anytime soon- which confirms the aforementioned theory

However, there is hope for the future, for Bang seems determined to mend his mistakes, and finally try to connect with his disciples instead of giving them a stoic -rather cold- treatment. Considering that Garou was inclined to dealing with problems on his own due to his family situation, having someone to rely on may be crucial to break through his insecurities, thus embrace who he has always been: a kind spirit who only wishes to protect those who can't stand up for themselves

Bang's approach to establish a proper relationship with his (adopted son) student is, as expected from an alcohol enthusiastic Casanova, to enquire about his love life (as if homeboy hadn't spent the past months on the run not being able to take a shower and then making up for it by sitting under a waterfall for God knows how much time), since Garou isn't legally allowed to drink yet

Garou's response to this is very funny, he (naturally) gets all awkward and nervous, and isn't quite thrilled to having to talk about it. Perhaps it's my bi ass projecting, but I kinda saw myself reflected here, as it's always slightly uncomfortable when my relatives ask me if there's a special lad too hahahaha... Even though it could be argued that this is a bit biased, I think there's room to interpret this situation under this light as well

Regarding Garou's answer, there's a big red flag that I think some are wishfully ignoring in order to celebrate that the guy may be straight: the girl is from a TV show

We all know too well how prone the boy is to idealising these sorts of programs, breaking them down to their essence and then trying (failing) to apply their simple rules to a nuanced reality. It doesn't end up well

Having the actress being similar to his mother, yet differing in the most important characteristic that affects Garou -kindness- speaks volumes about the nature of his feelings. He's simply looking for a figure that shall give him the love his parents failed to provide, and people reading this as an "usual" crush is imo low-key off-putting

My personal opinion on this (besides it being a poor and bizarre attempt at pulling out a "no homo"), is that a possible reason behind Garou's self-worth problems and perception of the world has been revealed to us: he has mommy issues

It has been discussed that people who have daddy issues might suffer sadness or depression while people who have mommy issues become sociopaths. Nevertheless, I am no psychologist, and so my knowledge of this subject is limited. I don't intend to sound like an authority, and everyone is free to disagree with this idea

In spite of there being many (myself included) who would like to have more information on Garou's childhood, I think we've been shown enough to properly understand his character, and what's left to see is his future growth now that he's slowly building a supportive network

[blairwaldcrf]

okay! Now that we got this covered. Which was THE breaking point for you? Since you left that faith behind. Was there one particular thing that made you realize "well, shit I gotta get outta this" or many things piling up? And, since your original post already implies negative experiences, I'd be curious if you have any positive experience too?

Okay! So, positive first:

I do miss the sense of community. Because so many days are spent together, each congregation is pretty close. (Sunday being church service, certain days of the week being 3 hour youth/women/men groups as well, and often Saturday service projects.) I grew up in poverty that without the church's assistance would have been very bad. They have programs where they overview finances and help allocate food and necessities they keep in a "storehouse" to it's members, which literally saved my family. Groups in our congregation dropped off expensive toys and gifts on our doorstep on Christmas without taking credit. They do highly value acts of service.

negative/personal/triggers below

Now as for what made me leave, it was a piling of things on another.

It's important to remember that from a very young age girls are told over and over about how important it is to keep your body pure and untouched before marriage, and too often this discussion occurs without the nuance of sexual assault in the conversation. This made me, as a victim from very young ages, consistently feel shamed and forced into self hatred.

One of the most poignant memories I have of "questioning whether it was a true church" was finding out that black men weren't allowed to hold the priesthood until the 70's. The reasonings I was given varied from offensive to disgusting, and while I was a white girl growing up in a town with only two black people in its entirety, my analytical brain hated the fact I never got a straight answer that wasn't rooted in hatred.

As I entered my teenage years, my next issue was around sex. I felt deeply that sex didn't have to be a sin and could actually be an expression/act of love, but I was told over and over that it was a sin second to murder. Murder. Nothing about that felt true to my experiences and as I started to grow past my shame I became critical of the teaching.

When I came out to myself and friends as bisexual, I had an acceptance of myself very similar to abuela's from ODAAT where I figured if god is love and god didn't make mistakes, then I was fine. ... However after my first girlfriend and I broke up, I figured I had been wrong and that God was punishing me. A friend from school who was also only a teenager sent me material from what was basically a conversion therapy website sponsored through the church explaining that my same-sex attraction was due to mommy issues. When I saw how the Mormon church fought against LGBTQ+ rights, I started to split my affiliation with the church while still technically being apart of it.

The final tipping point was when I was told by my bishop that the reason I was self-harming and suicidal was because I had previously had sex before marriage and that I needed to repent before I could ever be happy again. To me, any authority figure who could say something like that to a seventeen-year old girl who was showing signs of actual mental illness that needed medication was not someone who spoke through God. None of the bishops I had spoken with throughout the years had ever seemed like they really spoke through God, except for maybe one. Instead they were all men with too much influence, quoting scripture and going through the motions.

Since I left, I've had the church send a letter to my brother asking where I lived now. I had that previous horrible bishop tell me once more upon a reunion that I did not in fact have Bipolar disorder. I've had several people try to pressure me back into the church... It's hard to explain how it's a cult without being someone in it, but I HIGHLY recommend watching Under the Banner of Heaven because it gets the Utah mormon culture just dead on, as well as the history of the church. It's a great mystery/true crime drama.

[forevercloudnine]

new 52 riddler origin/timeline

I noticed an older 2017 post by @batriddler​ about Edward’s possible New 52 origin story was going around again, so I thought I’d make a timeline adding what we’ve learned about his origins since then through The Riddler: Year of the Villain (2019).

Childhood

So Year of the Villain brings back several elements of Edward’s original backstory. The first was that, as a child, he won a puzzle contest and became fixated on that moment of victory for the rest of his life.

Unlike previous iterations of the character, however, there’s no obvious indication that Edward cheated in order to win it (other than the looming shadow of his future careers). Whether he won it fairly or not, winning the trophy was a turning point for him because it was the first time he was given undiluted positive attention, something he wasn’t getting at home.

Edward’s mother is heavily, HEAVILY implied to be an alcoholic (like there are even more bottles lying around in this panel, I cut them out for the screenshot), and he himself implies in the narration that she was neglectful to the point that he pretty much had to raise himself. Interestingly, there’s no mention of an abusive father, which is the bog standard for Riddler backstories in previous continuities. There’s nothing contradicting the existence of an abusive father in addition, so obviously there’s room for headcanons here (though I’m enjoying that Jonathan’s New 52 daddy issues replacing his retconned Post-Crisis mommy issues was finally mirrored by Edward’s Post-Crisis daddy issues being retconned and replaced with New 52 mommy issues. It’s equality).

[Side note: apparently his actual birth name in the New 52 IS Edward “Nygma,” which is also a return to form to his first origin. Personally I’m much fonder of him being born “Nashton” and changing his name as an adult, but that’s just me.]

He says that winning the trophy was the first time he “felt like [he] meant something,” which would seem to indicate that before this he’d internalized his mother’s neglect into a low sense of self worth. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like the high of winning it lasted very long, since his classmates weren’t very appreciative of his victory (which is also very in line with Edward’s previous origins, especially Chuck Dixon’s take in Questions Multiple the Mystery).

There’s not much other information about his childhood available, though Batman Annual #4 does seem to indicate that unlike many of Batman’s other villains, he did grow up in Gotham.

This is just based on him telling Bruce that “all of Gotham City” watched him grow up, and that Edward in particular read and watched a lot of tabloid news about Bruce when they were adolescents (is this a Batman Forever reference??? It’s probably not a Batman Forever reference).

Teenage Years

Assuming we’re supposed to take Bruce’s heat-of-the-moment psychoanalysis in Zero Year seriously (Edward is clearly irritated by it, so... confirmation?), Edward’s desire for attention in childhood results in him breaking into corporate data banks and government safe-blocks as a teenager.

Given what Edward is capable of in Zero Year, this definitely doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibility, but it’s deeply hilarious in the context of what Year of the Villain confirmed he was (also?) doing as a teenager, which is working as a carnie.

I cannot tell you how hilarious I would find it if THIS is the “questionable past” that Bruce’s Uncle Phillip was talking about during Zero Year, but presumably he’s referring to the same kind of high profile crimes that Bruce was.

But seriously, how funny would it be if he was just talking about how Edward literally ran away from home to join the circus as a teenager...

Adulthood

The 2017 post theorizes that Edward started working for Phillip at Wayne Enterprises in his early twenties, and started earning the various degrees you can see stacked up in a corner in the image above during his employment there. That would seem to fit with this timeline, since I’m not willing to add “earned six different university degrees” to teenage years that are apparently already packed full of ripping off carnival goers AND corporate espionage.

In Batman Annual #4 there is the BAREST indication that Edward might have started working at Wayne Enterprises early into Bruce’s sabbatical abroad, since he talked about how “for months” there were nightly vigils at Wayne Tower where there were so many flowers people would have to cross the street not to step on them. Presumably this would have only been in the first year of Bruce’s disappearance, when Bruce was 18; at the very least this indicates that Edward still lived in Gotham when Bruce left, though it would make more sense for him to be visiting Wayne Tower as Phillip’s strategist than as a hacker/carnie.

In general though, Edward’s Zero Year plan is so ridiculously complex that I think it’s reasonable to assume that he took as long to prepare for his debut as Riddler as it took Bruce to train to be Batman.

[Another side note: Not to accuse Edward of projecting or anything (God forbid), but I think it’s interesting that Edward puts so much emphasis on criticizing Bruce for “disappearing for years” and “making everyone think he’s dead” in combination with the COMPLETE absence of his father from his origin story as presented in Year of the Villain.]

I do think it’s fascinating that Edward’s New 52 origin veers away from the whole “cheating” thing that’s so central to his character in previous continuities - not that he DOESN’T cheat when he feels like it (the whole carnie thing), but it’s not presented as an insecurity of his, and here he’s genuinely intelligent enough to mastermind crimes without needing to move the goalposts at the last second (cough Arkhamverse Riddler COUGH).

One final thing from Edward’s adult life that I think could relate back to his origin comes from Batman #23.2, “Solitaire.”

The issue starts with a flashback of Edward having a deck of playing cards confiscated from him in Arkham because he was playing Solitaire (like, genuinely playing Solitaire; he actually wasn’t plotting anything, it was just for stress relief). The comic is his quest for violent revenge against the Arkham guard who took his cards, which initially seems like a pretty average example of Riddler Brand Pettiness, but the story goes out of its way to highlight how much this really bothered him.

The Arkham Guard has moved on to become the head of security at Wayne Enterprises, so to get revenge Edward has to break into his old place of employment. An unexpected altercation with one of the executives leads Edward to totally freak out over her “touching” him, and afterwards he goes to meditate in her old office in order to calm down. His attempt to relax is interrupted by his old Arkham tormentor, who gets in a couple shots at him before Edward takes his revenge...

...which is BLOWING UP THE ARM that the guard used to take away the “small comfort” Edward had in Arkham. Afterwards, he goes up to the roof to play Solitaire, seeming to finally relax from his agitation earlier.

Given Edward’s isolation and neglect in childhood, it would make sense for him to have ended up playing Solitaire a lot: it’s a game that doesn’t require involvement from friends or family, but still requires a player to use strategy and skill despite the lack of an opponent.

[Yet another side note related to the previous side note: Batman is ACTUALLY dead during Solitaire, which takes place after Joker’s Endgame arc. Bruce and Joker are of course later resurrected through shenanigans, so Edward is right to think he’ll be seeing Batman again. But Riddler sitting on the Wayne Enterprises rooftop, indulging in a self-described “small comfort,” waiting for a man who’s disappeared to miraculously show up again is really interesting. Again, not to accuse him of projecting or anything, but... where’s your dad, Edward...]

His affection for Solitaire is also interesting, in the sense that one could argue that’s what he’s doing in Zero Year: playing a game with himself. He’s challenging other people to play with him through his “riddle” game, and he’s clearly prepared for the possibility of having an opponent (given that he has a whole rainbow disco death trap room set up at the end of Zero Year, which he seems DELIGHTED to have a chance to use), but he’s not expecting to have one. Whether this is a perspective rooted in his childhood or not, it seems to have changed after Zero Year, based on his riddle for Batman in “Alone.”

[cryptiql]

untitled god song

pairing: bakugou/m!reader (trans reader in mind you can see it if you squint but can also be read as cis)

words: 2k

warnings: themes of religious trauma, homophobia, mentions of blood, the author projecting their mommy issues

a/n: this is purely self indulgent, don't mind me 😩✋ (written in first person)

i wish i had known him before the pain started. perhaps it is a fools dream to think that his presence would have solved anything, and it is likely that he might blown me sky high at the time, if given the chance, but i often ponder his place in my narrative. he is nothing less than a king—nay, a god—and what else am i to be except his humble servant, adoring him in the only way i've been taught?

i would bruise my knees as i kneel for him, and should he turn me away, i shall be lost and without purpose. but he does not, and instead, he snorts out a laugh and pulls me to my feet, roughly squeezing my cheeks together with a shit-eating grin. he'll tell me a joke i've heard a thousand times, and yet i laugh with him anyways, the pads of my fingers idly tapping the pulse on his wrists.

"dumbass, at least take me out to dinner first."

i never thought i'd ache to hear such a demeaning nickname, but it's like birdsong to my ears, and i long for the myriad of butterflies it provokes.

i would heed his every word like a faithful disciple, and—if i knew he would not use this power for the wrong reasons—carry it out without question. he'll roll his eyes at the notion, far too prideful at the idea of being praised, and card hands through my hair, gripping softly. "right. and if i told you to go to bed before five in the morning, would you listen?"

my smiles are genuine, as they all are with him.

"no." i wish my mother had been more open-minded; more loving to those she claimed were goners. maybe then, i could still call her my mother, and not a snarled version of her first name steeped in vinegar. maybe she could have met him, and maybe she would have keeled over in the process, but that is how we put it "killing two birds with one stone".

he was a fallen angel if ever i saw one—emblazoned in smog and ravenous inferno, the pieces of child-like innocence turning to ash. something happened to him when he was a kid, just as all gifted children, and oh, what a fool i was to let my gaze dawdle on his gorgeous form. but i will never regret it—no, not ever—for there is no such feeling that can compare to his eyes on mine, burning with a mind-fogging intensity.

it was instantaneous, the moment my thoughts turned on me with malicious intent, her voice ringing out like a gunshot.

you'll never be him.

his hand slots with mine perfectly; deliciously warm and comforting in a way i haven't felt in years; and hauls me up, the flecks of dirt and rubble from the road clinging to my jeans.

"watch it, pretty boy. i won't always be here to save you, y'know."

my heart batters against my ribs like a caged bird, screeching and wailing to be set free, and i wonder in a haze if i've died. judgement day must have come early, i think, not realizing that it was spoken aloud until the blonde quirks a brow inquisitively. he does not speak on the matter, but continues on his merry way, leaving my helpless; hopelessly enamored; and praying that we will meet again.

no, i could never be him. but i am like him. he has a sureness in his walk and fervor in the way he talks that is only recognizable when i look in the mirror. and we do meet again. it is a shame, however, that i must burden him with the weight of my past. i remember too often the troubles of my youth, even when all has passed into fleeting memories that haunt me as ghosts do to an abandoned house. yet, i still live in this house, and the ghosts are here to keep me company.

i remember the church, first and foremost; nestled between the barren country road and the outback; a beacon of hope to all those who stood in its doors. the luster of freshly polished wood still sits in my mind, accompanied by the echoing remnants of dulcet tones and multicolored bands of light, glaring from the stained glass windows and dancing across the musty carpet floor. the doddering pews were just as uncomfortable as the poorly padded chairs squatting in the front row, but every sunday, they were filled to the brim with hungry worshippers. they sang praise as though they were starved, but i was too young to understand for what. i am older now, and i still don't understand. all i know is that despite its reputation, the church was a cursed place, and i should never set foot in it again lest i go mad. i remember the creaking stairs which lead downstairs, and the winding halls that reeked of torment where shadows loomed. the paint was corroding and foul, and my conscious always loitered too long on the merlot stain on the ceiling; its origin unknown, but nevertheless urging my stomach to twist with nausea.

i remember the feeling of tall grass grazing my ankles; itching horribly from the old moth-eaten socks i was forced to wear. it had become second nature—running and hiding from my problems, from the church, from her. i shall never know a greater animosity than the likes that my mother encouraged, although unintentionally, with her pressuring views and sickeningly sweet smile. it's fake, and i would know, because ours are the same.

we are too similar, and i am sickened by the fact. will i become the wretched woman she is? will i fail to be the father i've dreamt of being? it is an easy thing to fall prey to haunting questions, and it serves as brain rot for every moment of silence that leaves me clawing at my skin, trying to reap the memory of her touch. then i began to think—about nothing and everything—and it does not stop. i will be kind; unforgivingly so, and without biased judgement; like my mother never was, and i'll make her hate me for it. i will grow in leaps and bounds, not for her sake or for god's, but for mine, as it always should have been. i will drink and curse with reckless abandon and kiss who i damn well please, because in no life does she have have the power to make me something i'm not. why should i feel sorry when the tears she wept were forged by my own blood; by the childhood memories locked away to rot in my subconscious? yes, she has suffered too, but it is through clenched teeth and raw-bitten lips that i must confess this, for her suffering was born in me and grew from a seedling into a thorned flower, nourished by her hatred and mine. she'll tell me the lie of all mothers before her: that she knows best, and i'll never know joy that is not from my savior's gracious hands.

one day, when she lies not with words but in silence, under worm-filled earth and withering pastures, i'll tell her that she was right. i'll tell her, with his hand in mine, that my savior arrived with hellfire in his eyes and fury unrelenting. his tongue holds venom that would make the devil blush, but he tastes of a sinful sweetness that i've drowned in more times than i care to count.

mother you should know, my god is like no other. he has a broad chest and muscles, i attest, that are sculpted like fine marble and smooth to the test.

my god is a man who loves other men, unashamedly; in all that is true; and kisses me like real people do. and i know it sounds silly, and a bit cliché, and he'd surely make a mockery of me if ever he heard, but i love him. i love him as passionately as you she does lord above, and it is a crime in itself how much i crave him, so yes, i will burn for this—not because my mother said so or by the ancient script that foretells it, but because i promise it. i promise to let neither hell or high water deter me from that which gives me life, and i'll do so with a ring.

"you hear that mom?" i'll whisper in the dead of night, his body flushed against mine in the most delightful way; his fingers curled into my nightshirt, pulling me closer as listless mumbles fall from his parted lips. he is dead to the world amid his dream ridden stupor, but still leans into my touch when i smooth back the wild tufts of hair to kiss his forehead.

"i'm gonna marry him." part of me wishes she didn't live on the other side of the planet, just so i could rub it in her face, but i won't give her the satisfaction of seeing me again. i won't let her think she's won, because i know, and katsuki knows, that he and i are one in the same.

i do not know who i should thank for my stubbornness, be it my mother or my father, so i will thank the pain they both caused me, for it made me stronger than they ever could. no, i did not become a better person, because the scars have yet to heal from how deep they cut, and the smell of blood still lingers, and i am angrier than i once was, but i cherish my wounds. the stench of my agony has long since been subdued, and i have learned to swallow the sickness it evokes. and yes, this anger is unhealthy and i've chosen not to purge it from my mind like the weed it is, but how lucky am i to have found one whose malice rivals my own?

the tales of his glory have littered my notebooks in smudged ink. you would hate him, is scrawled messily on the last page, but i only feel giddy with excitement. you would hate him for his spite and his unapologetic behavior, and that is why he's perfect. he's everything you hate about this world, but everything i love.

so when she gets to heaven and asks the angels "why?", they'll tell her it was him who made the devil cry. him, who held me like she should have—could have, if she hadn't terrified me—and who chased the nightmarish visions of her from my weary mind with his callous palms and soft-spoken reassurances. i wish i had known him when we were young; when things were not so simple and i needed a hand to hold; but i suppose we'll have to settle for faded photographs and stories told through the bitter aroma of alcohol. that's more than enough, i muse to myself, legs hooked over his as i rest my head on his shoulder, keening softly at the gentle scrape of his nails on my scalp. his arms wind around my waist as he mutters something along the lines of "i love you", his lips curling into a smile, illuminated by the televisions glow.

so when they ask of my religion, i will think of only him. i will recall the way he looks at me, the sound of my name on his tongue, the feeling of his lips trailing between the valley of my breast; featherlight, cautious and unfitting for a man of his nature. i've written songs of praise, all dedicated to him, and if only he knew, oh how smug he would be. but i love him, i love him, i love him. and when he spins me around like a marionette, it is with overwhelming pride and joy that i tell him this, and with rose hued cheeks and bashful grumbles, he tells me the same. so mother, wherever you are, i hope you know i've found my god.