#self-deprecating replies deleted

[museaway]

I'm not ignoring my WIPs. they're ripening in my mental cellar

[eviligo]

hey queen i was wondering if u have that tweet from earlier this yr(? i think) where matt was like. being all self deprecating about his music and someone replied being like "bro literally wrote nebraska and has the audacity to say this" or something ive been looking for it for AGES but i think he deleted the tweet thank you i love u

it was an ig story

and it was ben that replied lol

[threadbaresweater]

accidentally deleted my pinned post during my little temper tantrum yesterday 😭. I only meant to unpin it.

let this also serve as a public apology to those who witnessed it in real time, and a thank you to those of you who sent messages and replied to my self-deprecating posts.

[rosesradio]

fanfic ask game

i saw this ask game i wasn’t tagged in so let’s do it 🤠 & i’ll tag whoever wants to do it as well

1. how many works do you have on Ao3?

27 :-)

2. what's your total Ao3 word count?

466,409 (oh cool i’ll most likely hit 500k by the end of the year 💪)

3. what fandoms do you write for?

currently pjo & once in a blue moon hsmtmts, but i have written for like 10-12 different fandoms in my life

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

ceaseless eve 🌙 (a leo, nico, & piper quest + valdangelo)

camp triple pine 🌲 (a lawrusso summer camp au with fwb 👀)

talk to me, deep in the night (& i’d tell you something i never thought i’d admit) 🏕️ (a surprisingly non-smutty first caswen fic in which ricky talks with ej about how he works too hard, written in s3 era)

Cobra Kai/Karate Kid one shots 🥋 (fluff, humor, angst, smut…what it says on the tin 🤠)

he’s only here for one thing, but (so am i) 🔥 (valdangelo college au smut + camboy nico 👀)

(because i can’t tell a lie, i did skip over one or two stranger things fics on this list. i have complex feelings about them & keeping them up due to the controversy, but also abandoning them or deleting them…i’m sentimental, and i procrastinate lol. i’m glad a higher volume of people enjoyed them by nature of it being a more popular fandom, but i also feel like the kudos aren’t as genuine or earned as they are for my longfics in less popular fandoms for that reason. at least To Me. i hope that makes sense 🧍)

5. do you respond to comments?

i try to reply to every comment around the first week of posting something (because by then it’s an “old work” and it’s “weird” to comment on it, but that’s another post 😐). i still haven’t replied to the last of the ceaseless eve comments & i feel terrible, the sentimentality of it all overwhelms me but know i appreciate it 😭 i wish there was like a code word though that people could comment that lets you know if they want you to respond or not, because it’s hard to know if people want an author response or if it’ll scare them off yk

6. Which of your fics has the angstiest ending?

i don’t do a lot of angst, but when i do, i do (meaning i lay it on too melodramatically thick lmao) but i thought i’d give a list of some of my angstiest/darkest fics 🤠

the moonlace & the sunflower 🌻 (in which grover dies protecting a demigod, so the empathy link causes percy to pass away as well)

games long lost 🌳 (in which luke must drink annabeth’s blood for kronos’s reformation, it covers the dark lukabeth of it all & there’s some death)

the smallest casualty ♟️ (in which it’s slowly revealed over the course of a luke & annabeth chess game that the gods lost the war, and percy & friends have been subjected to dark magic experiments to make them compliant to luke’s fantasy)

rewired 🤖 (okay. i usually try to be humble or self deprecating or whatever but this 1400 word fic is an actual fucking masterpiece to me idc. it just came out of me and makes me physically nauseous to this day. showing this to my hypothetical therapist etc etc. oh wait what’s it about lmao—the concept of daniel rewiring his brain & morals to fit into silver’s desires. ft that sick sick silverusso dynamic)

7. Which of your fics has the happiest ending?

i have a variety of fluffy fics, but i’d have to say my happiest most sugar coated ending is—

who said anybody would? (a ej/gina/ricky road trip fic that literally ends with an ot3 picnic scene 😭 it’s just too much 🫶)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i’ve gotten unwarranted criticism (i like to ask for constructive crit comments at the end if it’s like a longfic) that’s been surprisingly rude…i won’t say which fic but someone got so mad at one of my chapters they left a lengthy mocking crit comment and then stopped reading 😭 but that’s their prerogative, i hope they found something they enjoyed afterwards. other than that, surprisingly considering some of the controversial dark fics i’ve written…no sign of flames, so thanks! 😅

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i have four different smut fics (hopefully a fifth if i can ever finish it up)…i fear they’re repetitive but also not really, they cover different fandoms and explore different kinks. i’m not really sure what to say about them, hopefully people find them hot ! or whatever !

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

i’m not a fan of crossovers currently, but my longest fic i wrote when i was 15 (it’s 97k i’m beating it someday 😭) was a crossover between sanders sides, voltron, miraculous ladybug, and gravity falls (doesn’t that feel like a kick in the gut lmao—did i mention i was 15? 😅)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of 👁️👁️

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

not that i know of 👁️👁️

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

i tried, myself and another author had a shared Google doc & everything…but we both just didn’t commit. i don’t think i’d work well with another writer…i don’t mind bouncing ideas around with a beta reader/editor (like @heavens-vault 🤠) but ultimately i’d prefer to write on my own

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

it changes—it’s currently valdangelo, but the ones I’ve written the most over the years are: prinxiety (😐), lawrusso, caswen, and valdangelo. i’m excited to explore a bunch of other ships as i continue writing as well

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

oh gosh, i mean i hope i don’t have any like longfics in question…i hope i can finish + deliver on Ivory Rain, but i’m sure I’ll manage even if it takes a while. i haven’t really mentioned this a whole lot to “the public” but i have what i call a “scrap fic” i’m working on, with a bunch of like 800 word chapters i just kinda bounce around when i have time. the concept is really exciting but the execution still needs work, so i’m kinda seeing how that’s gonna play out, it might not be posted. i hope it will though !

16. What are your writing strengths?

i think i’m pretty good at characterization, good romantic moments with good buildup, and humor :-)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

action scenes i hate you so much 😭 why do i insist on writing pjo fics when i can hardly write a fight scene

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i should do it more, i hate that i don’t, especially considering nico being Italian and leo’s native language being Spanish. but I’ve used & been disappointed by Google translate too many times…perhaps I’ll find another way to translate to include that for more character accuracy

19. First fandom you wrote for?

actually i think percy jackson, i’ve come full circle. the first fic i posted was sanders sides, but i remember when i was probably nine or so i wrote with pencil and paper and stapled a book together with a hand drawn cover 😭 it was about a son of Apollo, a satyr, and a daughter of Demeter on a quest…so really, richard took some creative liberties from my hand written fanfic i think 👀

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

like the ships, it changes—I love all my fics, it’s hard to explain how there’s little fractures of me at different points in my life at any given time in my works. no amount of over-explaining could make anyone understand how i express myself through my character’s emotions and desires and fears and journeys.

at the moment, my favorite fic is CE. it just got completed, myself and others are excited for the sequel. i think all my pjo works in particular are pretty good, and of course i tend to shy away from my older works because my writing…probably wasn’t as good. but that just means I’ve improved, so that’s good.

that’s all the questions, but this was fun ! :-)

[sassykattery]

Deleted Scene from Love, Eternal: Chapter 5 - Scenting

Alright sinners, I decided to release this to maybe ease the pain of the cliffhanger I made everyone suffer through earlier. Maybe it won't help, who knows.

You can thank @leavesandflowers for basically prompting me to do this (my little "something, something" as it were). And it sounds like I have a chokehold on @delphi-dreamin with my scenting work.

And yes, I have deleted scenes saved in certain places. It's essentially crack that I removed from the story because it wasn't super important or felt too ooc at times.

Also, I felt like this was a good way to maybe show how MC interacts with everyone a little, since the focus on the story is Diavolo and Lucifer most of the time.

CW: MC is afab, uses she/her pronouns. MC is poly. MC is a demon. Highly suggestive in some parts, slightly smutty but only at the end and only kinda smutty.

Themes: Scenting, romance, LuciferxMC, DiavoloxMC. Headcanons + Love, Eternal lore

Characters: MC="you", Satan, Levi, Beel, Mammon, Belphie, Asmo, Lucifer, Barbatos, Diavolo

Minors and ageless blogs DNI

18+ only

Masterlist

----

"Satan," you said, "Can I try something?"

Satan brought his head up and looked at you curiously. You two were sitting at the dining room table studying together. Your mind had started to wander and suddenly you found yourself staring at him.

"What is it? Is it about being a demon?" he asked, still looking at his textbook.

"It is," you replied, but you hesitated to say more.

"And...?"

"Can I... see what you smell like?" you whispered, but he heard you loud and clear.

"Ahh, you figured out the power of scent. Sure, I'm happy to indulge your curiosity," he said. He sat his chair back and faced you. "Well, come here," he ordered with a sly smile. You shyly stood from your seat and came over to where he sat, pulling a chair up close.

Satan waited patiently with an annoying smirk, but you could only roll your eyes as he was technically helping you.

"What? I don't bite... hard, at least. Unless you ask of course," he murmured, watching you hesitate.

"You're not helping, Satan!" you snapped. He chuckled and sat forward in his chair.

You sat forward too and leaned in close, a few mere inches from his face. Focusing your mind, you inhaled deeply. Your eyes widened slightly as it hit you. He reminded you of the tang and sour of citrus, but there were darker notes subtly playing underneath, like tobacco and amber. Much like him, there was pleasantness on top with the suggestion of something else, something sinister beneath it.

"Interesting," you stated, sitting back. When you looked at Satan he looked away, a tinge of blush decorating his cheek bones. "What?"

"Oh, nothing. I hope you found what you were looking for," he replied, eyes flitting back to yours.

"I did, thank you Satan."

The rest of your study session seemed a touch bit awkward after that.

----

"Here, MC, I was going to sell some of these games but I realized you might like to play them," Levi said, walking into your room without knocking. As usual.

"Oh, thank you Levi," you smiled up at him regardless. You sat at your table working on some things Lucifer gave you to sign. Levi set down a box and then turned to leave. You then remembered something and said "Can I ask something of you?"

"What... What is it?" Levi asked a touch nervously, turning back to face you.

"I'm trying to learn about... you know, being a demon, and I wanted to know what your scent is," you explained. His eyes widened and he began furiously blushing.

"And-and you... you want to know mine? What for? I mean you don't need to-" and you held a hand up, knowing he was about to start self-deprecating. He stopped.

"I'm just curious, but if you don't want to that's fine-" you started to say before he took a step forward.

"O-okay you can," he said. You stood and slowly approached. When you were just a few inches away, you leaned in and closed your eyes, hoping maybe the lack of eye contact would ease his nerves.

Breathing in deeply, you sensed similar hints of eucalyptus, a refreshing and bright scent, immediately followed by a sandalwood, bringing a rounded out musk layer.

When you leaned back opened your eyes, you saw Levi was holding his face in his hands.

"Are you okay?"

"Are you done?" he whispered.

"Yes, but Levi-"

"Bye MC!" He yelled as he ran out of your room. Just as he turned you could see his entire face was red.

Well, I'll have to talk to him about that later, you thought sadly.

---

"MC, can you hand me the devil salt?" Beel asked, standing over the pot of soup he was stirring at the stove. You nodded and started looking for it in the kitchen.

Once you found it, you walked over to stand beside Beel to manage how much he added, and so he wouldn't just eat the seasoning.

"Thanks," he said, taking it from you. You nodded and watched as he added it. When you looked up at him, you realized how close you were standing, and without thinking, you leaned in closer and took a deep whiff.

"MC? What are you doing?" Beel asked, looking down at you almost pressing your nose into his arm, just above his elbow.

"Oh! Sorry. I've learned about demon scents and I wanted to know how yours smelled," you stated.

"Oh. Okay. Can I do it too?" He asked sweetly, putting the ladle down and turning to you.

"Sure!" You chirped. You wrapped your arms around his waist and took a breath. He leaned down and did the same, wrapping his arms around your shoulders.

He reminded you of golden amber with hints akin to the sugary sweetness of cream. At the base layer, he was very musky and masculine smelling, like how he would smell after a workout, but you realized that was how he always smelled. It was rather comforting, actually.

"Oi! What in the great ninth circle are you doin' huggin' MC, Beel!" Mammon griped, stomping into the kitchen. Mammon grabbed your elbow and yanked you toward him. You huffed and gave him a scowl. Mammon ignored it and glared at Beel as the second-born drug you out of the kitchen and to his room. When you looked at Beel one last time, his cheeks were tinged a bright pink.

---

Once inside Mammon's room, he kicked the door and turned, folding his arms and staring at you.

"What, Mammon?" You groaned.

"Aren't you going to ask me?" he asked, looking at an adjacent wall instead of you.

"Ask what?"

"You've been askin' everyone else what their scent is and you haven't asked mine!" He whined, shifting on his feet.

You frowned, your face deadpanning.

"Mammon, can I check out your scent?" you asked in a monotone voice.

"If you're gonna ask like that, no. You know what, this is dumb. I don't know why I even bothered-" he started to complain before you rushed him for a hug.

He instantly stopped talking and held his arms above you as he was trying to figure out what you were doing. You breathed deeply and instantly clutched him tighter. He smelled like home, like family. He was comfortable, and you relished in it. There was an earthiness to him, woodsy even, with flashes of a whiskey scent. At the end was just a touch of sweetness, like a warm sweetened tea.

After several moments, he put his arms around you and did the same. Immediately he wiggled around, unable to settle himself after breathing you in.

"Thank you Mammon," you murmured into his jacket.

"Yeah yeah..." he tried to pull it off as if it were nothing, but he was so distracted by your scent he couldn't focus.

You pulled away first and smiled as you saw Mammon blushing from the tips of his ears to his neck. It was curious, but you thought that was just part of his usual behavior.

---

"Belphie," you whispered, walking into the twins' room quietly. It was dark, and you could hear Belpie snoring from his bed. Gingerly, you walked in and approached.

Carefully, you slid into the bed and curled up against his side. It was early morning the following day.

"Nightmare?" He asked quietly, remaining still.

"Sorry for waking you... Yes," you replied softly.

"I got ya," he said, curling his hand against the back of your head. You felt his magic seeping in, making your eyes heavy and breathing slow.

Within seconds, you were asleep. And though it felt like seconds more, you were being woken up again.

"MC," Belphie said. Your eyes blearily opened. "You slept all day. I thought I'd wake you up before dinner," he murmured. He was hovering over you with his arms on either side of your head.

"Thanks," you mumbled, rubbing your eyes.

"Your scent is alright, by the way," he gloated. Your eyes widened. "I overheard you talking to Beel, so I thought I'd investigate it myself while you slept."

"Oh, well I'd like to know what yours is like," you replied.

"Hm, alright," he said. You narrowed your eyes as you saw that glint of mischief in his. He then dropped his whole body weight on yours and you gasped as the wind was knocked out of you.

"Belphie!"

"Just doing what you asked, MC," he said cheekily. You rolled your eyes and sighed, wanting to get this over with so he'd move. You took a breath and felt his scent permeate your senses.

He reminded you of a lavender tincture with hints of cedar. It was a peaceful smell with flares of spice, like patchouli, almost.

"Hmm, not bad," you murmured.

"Not bad? Try again, go ahead, I'll wait," Belphie said sleepily. You had to start screaming in order to run him off of you. Brat, you thought as you walked to the dining hall for dinner.

---

MC: Can I come to your room?

Asmo: OH, MC, I thought you'd never ask. But what will Diavolo and Lucifer think? I guess they'll just have to get used to sharing some more.

MC: Asmo. No.

Asmo: Boring! Fine, yes, come in darling.

After a few minutes, you were standing in front of Asmo's bedroom door, knocking. It was after dinner with the brothers.

"Hello, precious MC. Come in, come in," Asmo purred as he opened the door and stood aside, gesturing you to walk in.

Once you two were sitting on his bed, Asmo placed his head on his palm and gazed at you adoringly, waiting for you to speak.

"I want to see what your scent is like," you stated confidently.

Asmo tutted. "Oh my dear MC, that makes me happy. I've been dying to get to know your new body more intimately myself," he purred.

"Asmo, we're not having sex," you corrected him.

"Pfft, fine. I'll tell you, you're missing out, but I respect your wishes. I'll just have to ask Lucifer again when he'll start sharing you outside of him and Diavolo," he retorted, looking at his nail polish.

"Wait - you've asked him?... You know what, nevermind, I don't want to know," you groaned. "So, may I?" you gestured vaguely to Asmo. He smiled sweetly and nodded, settling his arms back to expose his torso more to you as he sat on one hip, legs tucked behind him.

You scooted forward and leaned in. Looking up, you saw his golden peachy eyes trained on yours with a sly smile on his lips. You rolled your eyes and then closed them to inhale. There were swirls of different scents, more interesting mixes than the other brothers. Vanilla and merlot came up first, a mix of sweet yet fruity, and then beneath those notes were layers of musk and woodsy ones. He was a balanced mix of androgyny. You realized how enticing he actually smelled, then you raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, MC... You're rather intoxicating. I don't believe I've ever smelled anyone like you," he praised. "I'm surprised none of my brothers have threatened to jump your bones."

"Ah-uh, oh..." your eyes opened and went wide as you leaned back. "I thought just Diavolo and Lucifer liked it."

Asmo chuckled. "No, dear, you smell like sex and love incarnate," he stated. "Your demon body entices humans and demons alike. Mine is meant for luring humans only, but I can charm anyone. I wonder what else you can do, my little vixen," he purred.

You became flustered and looked away.

---

"There she is. Come here, dove," Lucifer said as he heard the office door creak open, knowing it was you. It was late in the evening, and you wanted to say good night to him before heading to bed.

You quietly approached, and as you got closer to his desk, Lucifer rolled his chair back and patted his lap first while still staring down at his paperwork. Following his silent command, you came around and perched yourself on his thigh. He immediately looked up from his paperwork and threw his pen down.

"Did you spend all day with my brothers?" he asked, almost looking offended.

You tilted your head. "I mean, I studied with Satan, talked with Levi, cooked with Beel. I also hung out with Mammon, Belphie, and Asmo at some points." Reading his expression, you realized he was rather unhappy. "Why?"

"Hell, you smell like all of them," Lucifer growled, leaning back in his chair and gripping onto your hips.

"Oh, well I did ask them all what their scents were like. I didn't have them do what you and Diavolo do, but I was curious," you admitted.

Lucifer's crimson eyes seem to glisten then, and he shot forward like a bullet, pinning your back to his desk as he forced himself between your legs.

"Well, I simply can't have this," he seethed. You stared at him wide-eyed, looking slightly frightened. Seeing this, he softened, easing up his grip. "I apologize, you'll come to find out we can be possessive about our mates," he explained softly. "If you don't mind, I need to remind everyone who you belong to. I would appreciate it if you didn't let anyone else except Diavolo and I do this." He then kissed you rather intensely, his tongue taking ownership of your mouth.

You accepted his apology and kiss by looping your arms around his neck. His lips curved up on yours as you relaxed into him. Oh, he had some ground to cover to make sure you were clearly marked as happily taken. If not by scent and visible love bites alone, then by the delicious sounds you emitted that carried throughout the whole house as he reminded everyone who you belonged to.

Breakfast was awkward the next morning.

---

"Barbatos," you called out, looking for the butler.

"In the library, MC," the butler replied back to you. You followed his instruction and found him organizing the poisons section in the palace. It was the following day.

"I have a question, if you don't mind," you informed him.

"Go on, I'm listening," he replied, putting away more books with fast, skilled hands.

"Can you explain scenting to me? As in... a more detailed explanation?" You squeaked out.

Barbatos stopped after putting away the last book on his cart and turned to you with a smile. "I think I can help. Meet me in my office," he replied. You nodded and quickly walked off in that direction.

In just a few short minutes, you sat in a chair facing Barbatos' desk as he stood in front of it.

"Scenting is an important aspect of demon biology, sociology, and psychology. It gives us much of the information we require to approach one another. Not only information about other demons, but humans and angels as well. As a human, you never noticed demon scent because you did not have the olfactory glands for it. Now you do. You also now retain the scent glands to mark things as yours," he explained. You nodded and he continued. "Scenting is a powerful tool for demons as it can be helpful in giving us information that we would otherwise have to verbally inquire for. Now, what I am about to explain may seem odd, but keep in mind this is how we are, and by extension now, you are."

You nodded again, crossing a leg over to listen intently to Barbatos.

"After you started making pacts with each Avatar, they each began scenting your things. Of course, my lord and I noticed this, but it was actually in your benefit for them to do so. It keeps lower demons from thinking you were an easy target. Knowing an Avatar of Sin claimed you, or was keeping watch over you, warded off unwanted demons for the most part. When you began dating Lucifer, he regularly scented you, your clothes, and other items, but the intent was far more explicit. He was warding off all demons from you."

You began shifting slightly, as you found it humorous to hear this about the oh-so-proud eldest Avatar.

"And then after you began dating my lord, he took it upon himself to do the same. There was one evening he did it so much I had to scold him because it could have started a fight with those brothers, and I was in no mood to clean the aftermath. Simply being around particular demons is enough to get their scent on you, however, being scented can be a rather intimate process. If there's someone we want and they've been scented by another demon, it makes us either frantic or incredibly possessive." Barbatos stopped and looked you over.

A lot of things made sense after having heard that. "Okay..." you drawled. "Why is everyone so bashful around mine then? Asmo said it's special."

"May I?" He asked. You hesitantly nodded. Barbatos approached and drew in close. "Ah, yes. I believe as the Sin of Vanity, you were gifted some affects with your scent. It draws people to you, regardless if they are human or a demon, and if they understand why or not they're attracted to you. You're also a female demon, so you're awarded with other affects as well."

"Like what?"

"Female demons can easily let anyone know if they are interested in finding a mate or not just by their scent. It can also be indicative of if they're interested in a specific demon or not. You weren't born this way, so it may not come naturally to you to have these abilities. You'll learn to use them," he replied. He then smirked. "Unfortunately for you MC, I can tell some of your human scent is mixed in, which I think makes for a deadly combination for those who have an attraction to humans. I can't imagine why it still lingers, but it is there."

"Are... you affected by this? By... me?"

Barbatos then leaned in extremely close, his nose a couple inches from yours. "As if you need to ask."

Your face heated up with the admission.

"But I digress, what happened with Mammon is an example of how scenting can go haywire. It is an important aspect of demon life and demon relationships, but we do try to be respectful and keep it minimum as to not stir up the denizens. Do you have any other questions?"

"Not right now, but if I think of any I'll let you know," you replied. The butler nodded and gave you a small smile. You stood from your chair and opened your arms, and he accepted your hug.

---

"Come in," Diavolo called from his office. He looked up and beamed when he saw it was you.

"Hi, my love," you called out, sauntering over to his desk.

"My darling, come here," he ordered, holding an arm out. You slid behind his desk and accepted your spot at his side. He then swung you around to sit on his lap, facing him with your knees locked around his hips.

"And... what have you been up to?" he asked curiously.

"I came by to see you but stopped to talk with Barbatos," you replied sweetly, running your fingers through the hair on the nape of his neck.

"I see," the prince replied. He pulled you in for a loving kiss, his hands kneading your waist. You gave a little half-giggle, half-moan before he started to ravish you, kissing your jaw and neck.

Damn him, Diavolo thought. Barbatos thinks this is so humorous.

Barbatos had actually scented you in your brief hug before sending you off to the prince, likely as a reminder to be more careful. Unfortunately, this had the opposite effect.

"Would you like to stay for the night? Maybe watch a movie?" He murmured against your flesh. "I'll be done with my work soon and would like to spend time with you."

"Spend time with me? Or..." you purred as your hand drifted down to lightly graze his erection.

"That too," he growled before mercilessly kissing you and grabbing you all over.

You two never made it past the opening sequence of the movie he put on. The both of you were too busy in the soixante-neuf.

-----

Thanks for reading! <3

Post made by sassykattery. Do not repost. Reblogs and comments appreciated.

[diodellet]

It's still a bit of a mess, but an attempt at organizing was made.

diodellet/dio | she/her | 23+ | english/tagalog | mdni

Before you follow/Rules

Sporadic posting times, slow writing (I won't take requests), rambly tags in reblogs, beware spoilers

My fanfic writing is a personal creative outlet for my emotions. I’m of the opinion that depicting sensitive subject matter does not mean condoning it but I also understand that fanfic is a source of comfort and entertainment for most readers, so I’ll make sure to put a warning beforehand.

If you are below 18, please do not interact with my smut writing.

Preemptive warning for: smut, dead dove (noncon/dubcon), yandere, casual self-deprecation, symptoms of anxiety and depression, disordered eating, codependence, mild religious sacrilege*

*I'll update these warnings every now and then. Please make sure to read the beginning notes and tags++blacklist/mute accordingly. If I miss anything, don't be afraid to ask me to tag it.

I use the block button liberally and I encourage you to do the same if anything i post icks you out. Don’t worry, I will not take it personally.

As a general rule on my blog: Let's try to be kind and respectful when interacting with each other.

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Here's my masterlist!

(i also crosspost my works on ao3 at anionji)

Some other tags I use include:

#dellet-writing (for my fics, hcs, and abandoned/unfinished stuff)

#dellet-asides (misc shitposts, wips, half-baked writing posts, gacha game blogging)

#dellet-ort (the rare self-indulgent art)

#for-dellet (general comfort/writing inspo for me)

#fic reblog (scrumptious writing from my mutuals and writers i look up to)

You can also check out my fanfic reading blog @ladiota for more!

More detailed information under the cut (graphics credits, fandoms list, about the writer, etc.)

Headers Credits: It Was a Very Lovely June by Eight Cinnabar by haruno  Town of Jade by Mer (for my late 2022–mid 2023 writing)

Icon Credits: @/beelscustard || @/savemebeel

Fandoms: Twisted Wonderland, Shall We Date?: Obey Me!, Genshin Impact, What in "Hell" is Bad?, Honkai Star Rail, Haikyuu!!

About the writer (very misc):

-Direct messaging is really scary for me, but I do welcome replies (finally, they have sideblog replying aahh) and anon asks. Being tagged in reblog games and fanfic writing is also cool with me!

-I've tried having a queue multiple times (read: it didn't work out. I decided to just embrace my spontaneous bursts of energy.) Sorry if you're expecting something scheduled/timely responses to interactions, but they just happen when they happen and/or if I remember to respond 😭😭I really don't mean to come across as cold/unfriendly.

-If you wanna know who my favorites are just look at this blog's archive and my writing masterlist, you'll spot 'em relatively quickly.

-I feel very strongly about the act of writing itself so there might be writing-related discourse in the occasional reblog. (For example: you won't find me talking favorably about AI art or AI writing.) I'll make sure to keep these tagged under #for-dellet.

-Interacting with the works in my unfinished/abandoned drafts is okay. Same with taking inspiration from the premises/ideas. (Obviously I won't allow full segments of my writing, actual or abandoned, to be copy pasted and/or fed into AI.) The list is my own attempt at being more forgiving instead of perfectionistic and deleting any "unworthy" writing.

-Some additional misc tags I like to use include*: #[character's name]core, #mdni jus in case, #mecore, #any time is kalat time

[saltysatellite804]

idk how to comfort ppl kindly so I’ll just be blunt and honest. sorry your mind is in such a horrible place, I really am. you’ve probably heard/been told over and over before, but continuing to fixate over ppl who you think left you/don’t care for you anymore takes up a lot of emotion, energy, or effort that could otherwise be put into getting to know new ppl in a different fandom who: have no idea who you are, aka you come in as a completely blank slate to them. they don’t hate you. I, as someone who barely knows you or situation, objectively don’t care about these ppl who don’t care for you anymore, especially if they’re bringing you feelings of pain at the very thought. somehow, somewhere, find brand new strangers, don’t mention yourself negatively (wrestle that urge tackle it into the ground), and give them the opportunity to get to form judgements of you themselves. how does one even go about doing that? idk, but for me, all the connections I’ve ever made online (and I Only have “online friends”) were mostly me finding a small fandom or rarepair and then pouring honesty into the comments section of the fics and waiting to see if any of these strangers connect back. the more comments that focus on them and the material—the less I think about myself. and also the more comments, the bigger the chance is that 1 out of those… idk, 50 fic authors reach out to you and conversations get started. insert yourself into other ppls lives and take up space. spend time initiating conversations in spaces where replies actually have a chance of happening instead of shouting into a void that is a void due to the nature of the context—honestly, nobody replies to tumblr texts posts unless you’re a big name fan, nobody ever replies to mine, LOL. kind of personal, but I was totally alone and had neurotic thoughts for a spell, but over the last 3(?) years,a little bit of self-initiative and a little bit of coincidence and a lot of time on ao3 put me in spaces with fandom… friends? acquaintances? that I couldn’t have imagined in 2018 or whenever. I see your posts. I don’t know what to say. I’m also a nobody out here. I don’t know what you need exactly, but obviously there’s a lot of things that you don’t have control over. idk if you feel like everything I’m saying is garbage, in which case I’m sorry… you can just toss this out/delete it. also sorry for the huge block of text! I’m on my phone and formatting is a chore for stream of conscious thoughts. I think tumblr isn’t a good medium for talking to ppl and getting convos started. I never seem to be able to hold one on this app. but also I’m the type of person that doesn’t reach out to other ppl. but that’s not because I don’t care about my “friends.” reaching out is awkward and hard I usually skip past the pleasantries and straight into the point anyway. I’m selfish in conversations; I only initiate thoughts that I’m interested in. but I’ll reply to anyone. but as you can see, I’m on anon bc I’m painfully shy and not sure how you’ll receive this and I’m self-conscious enough to not want you, someone who is mostly a stranger, to hate me. after all, you didn’t seem to respond to that other anon very well. someone reached out to you! but your reply once again emphasized your own loneliness and feelings of neurotic self-hatred/self-deprecation. did you feel any joy at all in receiving that anon? I’m not sure who they are, but they also did the painful, awkward, and hard thing of reaching out to a stranger struggling on the internet. did you ignore the fact that behind that anon, there was a person who was at least a little bit concerned for you? I wonder who they were. do you? I’m no good at this, and I don’t know if anything would help you right now. I don’t have all the free time in the world, and I’m typing this on my commute home from classes. when I get home I’m going to have dinner, do homework, go to bed, then wake up and go to classes again tmr morning; I only reply to texts when I have the energy. I hope things get better for you. or that you, yourself, makes things better, somehow?

I didnt mean my reply as an attack on that anon. I don't really know what to say. I spend so much energy just fighting to get away from the thoughts and its exhausting and sometimes I fail. I cannot just poof them away. It's not like I dont try.

It's hard to just stop thinking about the people I cared about. It's like a gaping hole in me.

I'm sorry for how I sounded.

I dont hate anyone on tumblr dot com. And I dont take anons in bad faith unless they're obviously trolling.

I mean this in a non-aggressive non-blamey way, but it is really hard to be told I deserve happiness from anons or people who can otherwise quickly wash their hands of me. Again. Not blaming anyone. Please do not take that wrong. If my brain would let me, I could be far more appreciative, but it is hard for me and that is why.

I've always sucked at communicating.

Also, non-important, but I dont have any desire to find new fandoms. I do not think I have the capacity to be a blank slate. Nor do I feel particularly like the person who could make friends anymore because of how much I've been hurt. This guilt crawls in and the second I show my ass, it's all over. I've done the dance since I started posting online. It's only lately I've completely lost everything.

And that's on top of all the shit in my real life.

Everyone has their own problems and I really do want to stop caring if I'm alone because that's just how life is for the most part. I do not want to be a burden, and ironically I'm making things worse and turning into one against my own will. I do not know why it's so hard. It would just be nice if I had someone to take my hand and say "let's watch a movie together" or you know. The internet equivalent.

Again. No hate. No blame. I just do not know how to communicate.

[krasierisawesome]

You always see the best in other people. Why is it so hard to consider that someone could do the same for you? That maybe, people aren’t worried about the spot on your face or the frizz in your hair, because they’re too busy looking at your smile.

The wonderful things you see in other people? You have them, too.

[honeysuckle-venom]

I’d prefer if you don’t read this if you know me irl

I’ve been feeling so incredibly alone and unwanted lately. I haven’t been spending much time with my friends and I’ve been feeling like they all actually don’t like me and don’t want to be friends with me and resent me for being annoying and like why would anyone want to be friends with someone with the mental health problems I have anyway. I reread my psychosis posts and feel like “no wonder people don’t like me I’m crazy and I’ll never have friends or a relationship or a successful life.” I want to make it clear that I don’t feel that way when others have mental illness symptoms, just about myself. I just feel like a very unlikeable person and I feel like no one likes me or cares about me. And it’s making me feel pretty terrible.

I’m sure these feelings will pass eventually. I got a very sweet message from one friend who saw that I’d been having a hard time and told me I was welcome to reach out at any point and that really helped. And I have plans with another friend for Thursday. I just need to talk to some people and spend some time with some friends and get through my Halloween trauma anniversary and I’m sure that things will start looking up. But right now I really, really feel awful.

[museaway]

I hope the fic you are working on right now finds a reader who will think about it constantly for years

[andthelightswavegoodbye]

A Certain Someone and Manipulation

Edit as of May 3rd: I'm afraid the linked post is no longer available as the account has since been deleted or deactivated. I'm not sure when This happened but apologies in advance!

As I’m sure many in the NIN blog community have heard by now, A fairly popular fanartist (MMY) has been called out for publicly posting N*crophilia, and months prior, P*dophillia. This in turn caused a suicide bait of said person, and things got out of control from there. I encourage everyone in this community to check out the post created by @playthegoddamnedpart for further info on what happened, as well as multiple responses regarding the suicide bait (Mine Included) (Link to full thread here). 

Firstly, I like to make an apology statement. Rather than focusing on the problem - someone creating gore p*rn and posting it on a public platform where children can see - I focused on the suicide bait issue. Although I still don’t agree with those methods used, I was subsequently ignoring the issues at hand, and in a sense defending what MMY did. This was never my intention, but it still does not excuse me for what I did. I won’t go into full detail here, as my official response is in the aforementioned link, however I do think there’s still something important I need to warn others about. 

Long story short, it has been brought to my attention that MMY, whether they are aware of it or not, has slight manipulative tendencies, and I might have fallen into said trap. In case MMY pops up again (Highly likely), I want to share about how we grew to talk, and the possible manipulation so people can be further aware. I also acknowledge that my initial response to the situation is still fully my blame to take. 

Slight trigger warning for brief descriptions of what their art entails, as well as self-deprecation further ahead.

In terms of art, gore never usually bothered me. When I first stumbled upon Manmade Yellows (MMY) page some time ago, there was gore, but nothing overtly terrible from what I first saw. Sure, there was death (Examples being Trent choking another version of himself, or Trents head detached from it’s body), But I did not pay it much heed as I should have at the time. Part of this is due to my own desensitization, I will admit. They also depicted Trent in sexual situations (Example being in womens underwear). I liked the art well enough and followed them on Instagram. 

Very early on, I noticed on their instagram stories that they would become very self-loathing in terms of their art and self-worth. there was a lot of “I’m a terrible person, when my parents find out who I really am they’ll hate me”, “My art is terrible, I can’t even do lineart”, “I’m not even a real artist, I only draw porn”, “I’m a piece of shit who only spends their time addicted to porn and gore” “All I do is sit in my room” talk. The first time I saw this, it was extremely concerning and I found myself DMing them about how they were feeling. We talked a bit about, and I tried to be supportive, and then we’d move on. These self-deprecating stories were very common. I found myself saying “No, you’re a real artist. You make art, that’s the only qualifying factor in being an artist”, and they would reply with “It doesn’t have meaning, so it’s not real art”. I in turn would defend them.

I think that’s where the possible manipulation started. I don’t know if they were aware of them doing this, and they did accept compliments easier in time, but I still somehow ended up often trying to make them feel better, put them on a pedestal, because of the constant self-hatred. This led me to get a bit attached to them in a sense, as I too struggle with depression. But at the same time, I should not have continued getting involved. And it should have been obvious that they were posting about the hardships so much to the point it was probably unhealthy for the people reading it.

Along with the depression story posts, they would occasionally talk about instagram censorship, and art censorship in general. Things like how “social media is forcing art to be censored”, “I don’t have anywhere to post my art cause it always gets taken down” “Art shouldn’t be censored, it’s not fair to self expression” “This will just get taken down...”, etc. And to a degree, I agreed. They once gave an example of how renaissance-esque paintings got taken down for nudity on instagram, so “Yea I suppose what they’re saying makes sense”. But I was ignoring two key factors: This is Instagram, a place where kids are allowed to sign up on. And they weren’t posting “Just nudity”. If I’m honest, I’m probably too quick to agree on things. I shouldn’t have immediately folded on the subject. 

 This slowly turned into me outright supporting the gore and porn. I’d say “You draw dark stuff so inexplicably, it’s inspiring”. And to be honest, I still liked their art. I would be a liar if I said technically speaking, their art was bad. And I like dark art too. Some of it I DID truly enjoy, especially cause it depicted Trent, a celebrity that I really like. But I remember one specific set of posts where they depicted Trent getting his limbs chopped off, and just being “used”. And even I knew that was too far. But I think I’d grown so used to them posting gore or sexual stuff so often, and connected with them enough emotionally, that I let it slide and even liked those posts. On their insta story, they’d even post gore videos with the text “Mmmm so hot” or something. But they’d put silly emojis and a comedic tone so “theyre not actually turned on by gore, I’m sure”. That was a blatant red flag. I should have unfollowed then.

When the eventual eruption of what they’d posted happened, doubled with the suicide baiting, I immediately went to shame the baiter, yet didn’t say anything on MMY. I even DMed MMY asking if they were okay. I asked them upfront if they were legitimately a necrophile, and they said no. I took that as truth, and though we still don’t know the actual reality, considering they drew necro porn, I should not have trusted them so easily. They said they realize that maybe they have an issue and wanted to slow down on the gore drawings. I genuinely thought that to be true. They even had an instagram story saying “I realize what I did was wrong, and I won’t be doing this anymore” but looking back, even that was slightly self-deprecating. Afterwards, I noticed that they posted on their story less about wanting to fix things and focused more onto attacking everyone else. it was no longer “I shouldn’t have done that” and it turned into “I don’t care. You guys are just so caught up in your censorship” “I’m just terrible, but whatever”. That’s when I started to really doubt the side I was on. It wasn’t until the tumblr post that I previously mentioned called MMY out, as well as an Instagram comment I left on a post (Talking about the suicide baiting), That I fully realized what I was doing. I once again apologize. I ignored many redflags,  and chose to pretend it wasn’t happening. Because I liked some of their art, I didn’t want to admit that some of it was morally wrong, because that would mean I too was doing something wrong. I fully admit that now. I have since blocked MMY on instagram. 

I still don’t know if this counts as manipulation. In the sense that they constantly shifted the blame from themselves to others, and often made themselves the victim, I would say yes. I think it’s plausible this happened to other followers of MMY, even from just reading their story reels. To anyone reading this, if you encounter MMY in the future, don’t pay their self loathing and insisting of “censorship being bad” any attention. Whether they mean to or not, they are always putting themselves in need “saving”, and always discounting others valid opinion for their own gain. I was gullible, and I don’t want anyone else to do what I did in the future.

[realcube]

haikyuu!! characters with a chubby! s/o 💗

characters: tsukishima, oikawa, atsumu, osamu & suna

thank you anon for this cute request 🥺

tw// comfort, fluff, angst if you squint, insecure! reader, swearing, they/them reader but reader wears a dress (in osamu’s)

(a/n): anon requested comfort but i feel bad bc i’m writing this like ‘no, (y/n)! stop being sad! you’re beautiful! 😡’ then i remember that i can just select+delete the pain away💗💖

Kei Tsukishima

let’s not pretend like tsukki gives a fuck what you look like tbh ✋

like nobody is ‘perfect’ and everyone is insecure (to varying degrees) so why would he care about your weight?

nobody ticks every single box to meet society’s definition of ‘beauty’  

plus, tsukki thought beauty standards were stupid away so he created his own - and you meet every single one 💖

in fact, almost everyone meets his beauty standards - besides himself ‘:)

he seriously doesn’t care about your weight tbh, it’s the most trivial thing so why would he care?

although, he wasn’t naïve enough to think that everyone was like-minded

your front of ‘i don’t care about what other people think of me’ was strong enough to fool even the most observant of poeple, including tsukki

however, tsukishima failed to take into consideration that you were his girlfriend, meaning that you could be playing the same game as him; ‘pretend to not care about superficial things like beauty so nobody will think for a second that you are insecure about your body’

he wasn’t one to give compliments but neither were you tbh so the mutual agreement y’all have of ‘let’s call each other names as a form of endearment to avoid those awkward moments were you are looking for the right words for praise but can’t come up with anything’  was fair

but after you accidentally sent him a self-deprecating ‘joke’ message that was clearly meant for a friend, he never passed up the opportunity to compliment you ever again

like he kinda just stared at the message like 😮 ‘does (y/n) seriously care about their weight? why? it doesn’t even matter. how stupid! who told them that the shape of their body is important? bc it’s not..’

then he turns to look in the mirror like ‘wow you srsly need to put on muscle, lanky bitch. or else (y/n) will probably leave you for some built jackass like kuroo. pick up some weights, noodle arms!’

anyway, he’s not too good with words and comfort in situations like these but he’ll probably reply to your text with something out-of-character and surprisingly sweet

to paraphrase (bc the actual text would probably be like a whole damn persuasive essay LMAO he starts with the introduction, makes five points and finishes with a conclusion pfft) , i think it would be something like: ‘hey, (y/n). ik that text was probably meant for one of your friends (but if they’re the ones making you feel bad about your weight then you should probably drop those toxic cunts anyway 💅✨) but i just wanted to say that even though you are the biggest clown i’ve ever met (/j) you’re still v beautiful 💗 stop being insecure or i’ll pass away ⚰💀 ok thx love you bye’

Tōru Oikawa

how are you insecure if you’re dating oikawa? /j

like he is such a hypeman

whenever y’all take pics in your ✨fancy outfits ✨ for formal event, he acts as though you are second most beautiful thing on the face of this earth 😍 (second to him ofc)

but he only does that so he can keep up the reputation he has of being effortlessly confident bc he’s scared that if it slips for even a second, everyone will see how truly insecure he is

truthfully, in his eyes, you come first place by miles (❤ ω ❤)

like srsly, you’re so gorgeous in that dress!! he hopes that you know that he is joking about the whole ‘second place’ thing bc you should be able to tell by the way he looks at you that you’re genuinely the most striking person he’s ever laid his eyes on 

you never acted overly confident in front of him but he definitely didn’t think you were as insecure as you are

he thought you were just..humble :)

sometimes he’d hear you mutter something mean about yourself as you passed the mirror but he paid no mind to it as he figured that you just cared about your appearance and wanted to maintain a certain image

however, once he was made aware that you didn’t want to maintain your image but rather, change it - he never let you murmur anything nasty about yourself under your breath ever again, not without proceeding to tackle you to the ground and shower you with his love, affection & praise 💞💕❤

and he never made a ‘second place’ joke ever again, he started his honesty streak by reassuring you that you’ll always be the number one in his eyes 🤩

also, after that, he was a lot more open about his own insecurities with you and you made sure to respect them and help him in a similar way that he did

there is just so much love and admiration between the two of you and at first you were both to shy to express it but now, you both are showering each other in compliments 24/7 bc you both just want the other one to know how perfect you view them as (❁´◡`❁)

Atsumu Miya

atsumu is a hypeman like oikawa but...better :)

IT’S BC HE HAS NO SHAME

he’ll compliment you on anything you wear and he makes it a point to use the most inappropriate compliment as possible, relative to the outfit you’re wearing

so if you’re wearing your pyjamas, he’ll call you ‘glamourous’

if you are wearing a swimsuit, he’ll call you ‘elegant’

if you’re in your work clothes/school uniform, he’ll call you ‘sexy’

and if you’re in lingerie, he’ll call you ‘adorable’

but it makes you blush so hey, no complaints

so when he finds out that you’re actually insecure about your weight, he’s just like ‘no ❤’

like he hates the idea that when you look in the mirror, you don’t see the god(dess) he sees

like why? it’s the same person

💞 fuck ‘perception’ 💞

💕 ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ TF YOU ARE THE FUCKING BEAUTY💕

grrr he was so mad  

but he was also soft 

he was like ‘if (y/n) insecure? then why hot? then why pretty? then why fit perfectly into my arms?’

plus, THIGHS

he’d never diss a person bc they had small thighs or anything BUT he’d also NEVER complain about being given the chance to be with someone with some good thighs 👍

tbh the best could do to help was compliment you ten times harder to eliMINATE ALL YOUR INSECURIES 

(and ofc i don’t mean that in a way - for example - if you’re insecure about your nose, he’ll fkn chop it off......he won’t chop your nose off LMAO he’ll just show you how much he loves it, to the point where you have no choice but to love it too ( •̀ ω •́ )✧ )

anyway, plz love (or at least, tolerate) yourself or else he’ll suffocate you with all his love and affection :D

Osamu Miya

osamu is at a loss when it comes to typical beauty standards tbh

to him, weight (and most things) are similar to..hand size, for example

just like how you can’t imagine someone feeling self-conscious about the size of their hand (especially if their hand is a healthy size) 

he can’t imagine why some one would be shamed for their weight (especially if they’re a healthy size)

so had no idea you could possibly be insecure about something like that and he probably on realised after a few years in the relationship 😅

there was a formal event coming up and y’all were going as dates so you wanted to shop for outfits together 

as couples do ✌

anyway, he was on a dress site, scrolling away until you pointed out one that you thought was pretty - and it matched the color of the tie osamu bought too!

it was a fair price (for a formal dress 🙄 which is probably like $68/50) so osamu was like ‘buy it then ( •̀ ω •́ )✧’  bc he thought it would so gorgeous on you 

but you were like ‘no’

and after he pried further, you explained how you thought it wouldn’t ‘suit your body type’ 

GRRR HE dislikes IT WHEN PPL SAY THIS SO MUCH BC HOE YOU DON’T HAVE A BODY TYPE YOU’VE GOT A BODY 😡💕 WEAR THE DAMN DRESS IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BEAUTIFUL 

but like deadass it’s not your blood type-  it’s just a thing ppl made up to make ppl (mostly women) feel bad about themselves for no reason

but that might just be his inner atsumu talking 🤷‍♂️

he didn’t even know what to say at first- he was just like ????? body type ????

but once he figured out what you meant, he still had no idea what to say- at least, without sounding rude

what if someone came up to you and told you they were insecure about the shape of their knee.......what do you even say???

so he was silent for like the rest of the day

you decided to give him some space just in case something happened which had upset him

he had no idea what to say, in all honesty, so he hoped that his actions spoke louder than words 

around 3 days had passed since you last spoke to osamu and you were beginning to think something you had said made him uncomfortable

you were studying in your room until there was a ring at your door so you rushed downstairs and you opened it to reveal a package sitting on your doormat

you had recently ordered some cleaning equipment so you were sure that the content of the package was probably that

so imagine your surprise when you tear it open to reveal  — you guessed it —  the dress 💕

Rintarō Suna

when he says that he doesn’t care what ppl look like, he means it

he upkeeps his own appearance though bc..it’s his!

like why would he care about what weight you are? that’s none of his business

as you can tell, he’s generally not shallow but sometimes when y’all are just cuddling and your face is pressed to his chest, the words ‘you’re so cute’ just fall from his lips

so ofc he appreciates compliments over his skills, personality, humour etc over flattery about his appearance 

hence, the praise he gives you is usually based around those things too bc he just thinks that you’re just like him in the fact you don’t appreciate skin-deep comments

so when he found out that you’re actually insecure about your weight (or something else), he kinda blames himself

he thinks that the whole reason you’re not extremely confident in your appearance is all due to him and the fact he fact he maybe didn’t compliment you on your looks enough  — but that’s not to say that he doesn’t think you’re beautiful 

you’re the most radiant person he’s ever laid his eyes on and he thought you knew that regardless of whether he vocalised it or not

he wasn’t really sure what to do tbh

bc he loved you and wanted to comfort you ofc but he was scared of making things worse

like what if something he says accidentally makes you so upset that you break-up with him 😭

but he knew he couldn’t just stay silent about the issue, especially when he wanted to say to much

thus, he sent you a heartfelt message on discord 

(rather than snap, whatsapp etc so he could edit it after he posts it bc knowing him, he’ll probably write something, reread it ten times then as soon as he hits send, he spots a bunch of mistakes)

and he’d explain how you’re simply divine regardless of your insecurity and if anything, it just makes you cuter 😍

ok ok so i really don’t want it so seem like he has a fetish bc HE DOESN’T 

but he think your curves are so fun and pretty ❤ 

like everything about you is pretty but suna just can’t comprehend why you’re insecure about something like your weight when he literally adores it (bc he adores everything about you) 

[thekisforkeats]

The Way You Say My Name

Info: The Magnus Archives, JonMartin, rated T for swears. Canon-Compliant. Set immediately post-MAG 22. Martin is trans and Jon is amab non-binary.

CWs: Guilt, self-recrimination, worms (mentioned), arguments, shouting, crying, lying (Martin lying about his CV still), transphobia (mentioned), misgendering (mentioned), child abuse (mention of Martin Blackwood's mother) 

Summary: Just after MAG 22, Jon apologizes for his treatment of Martin over the past few months. Or tries to, anyway. It's hard to apologize to someone when you don't understand exactly what it is you've done to upset them.

(Of course, once Jon's apologized and Martin's relaxing, well... that's when Jon will finally notice he actually likes Martin, isn't it? Not that he's going to admit to that, even to himself.)

Shoutout to the Martin Blackwood Lovers Discord Server, without whom I would not have written this up and posted it. ;) Jon’s dialogue was (mostly) written by @marianfuckinghawke.

--------------------------------------------------------

“Recording ends.”

Jon reached out and pressed the stop button on the tape recorder. He sighed and looked at his phone. The message from Jane Prentiss was still glowing on the screen. He ran a hand through his short hair, aware he was mussing the grey-streaked black and deciding he didn’t care.

He had listened to Martin’s account of the encounter with Jane Prentiss with trepidation and worry. Now he could feel his face settling into something more drawn with concern. First, concern for his two assistants who were out of the Archive at the moment. Second, concern for Martin. The man had gotten himself into this mess because of Jon’s words. Due diligence. Was he really such a hardass that he had put one of his subordinates in harm’s way? How had he not realized that it might come to this?

Martin sat fidgeting, shifting in his seat, and Jon could feel the other man’s soft brown eyes on him. He had the look of a frightened, cornered animal and it cut Jon to the quick. He had done this. Jon was responsible for the man’s state, and he had to figure out how to make it better.

There was silence for a solid three minutes. Then Martin opened his mouth to say, “So if I’m going to be--”

Jon started speaking at exactly the same time. “So obviously you’re--” He blinked and said, “I’m sorry--”

“No, no, you go,” Martin said, raising his hands and waving them rapidly.

“No. It’s alright… go ahead,” Jon replied at the exact same time, then frowned.

Martin cleared his throat, then seemed to gather his courage. “Well. I was going to say. If I’m going to be staying here, I’ll need… things. Like, uhh, there’s a cot, but I’ll need, like… a toothbrush? I mean, you don’t have a stash of those sitting around, do you?” He chuckled in a self-deprecating manner.

“No, I do not,” Jon replied. “Nor do you have a proper change of clothing… you can hardly wear the same outfit for however long this will take, and you won’t want to sleep in what you’re wearing.” He had a sudden mental image of Martin sleeping naked, and cleared his throat while he shoved it away. Hardly an appropriate thought about a co-worker, even if it wasn’t remotely sexual. “We will have to go out and get such things for you… perhaps after I brief Tim and Sasha on the situation.”

Martin nodded. “There’s a room that might be, umm… did you know one of the rooms that’s filled with boxes is supposed to be the break room?” He gave that self-deprecating laugh again. “‘Course you know that, stupid, what am I saying…” He glanced aside, cheeks flushing. “Umm. Anyway. Umm. It’s bigger than the room you’ve got the cot in? If… if… I’m going to be staying here… I could clean it out… make it livable, maybe, umm, get some snacks and tea and things in, and there’d be more room for extra cots… in case you need somewhere to stay late or… something…” A pause. “Or not! Or just. You know. I’ll just. Have lots of time, so. I can. Clean. The break room.”

Jon did not, in fact, know that they’d had a break room at all. It had been frustrating to have everyone going up to the Admin break room on the ground floor, and he’d said so more than once. No, wait… had someone told him, and had he just told them off about clearing the room out?

He was suddenly horribly aware of how many times he’d griped at Martin for going up there to make tea that he had then gone ahead and drunk. How had he been such a prick to this man?

When Jon had started as Head Archivist, he’d had all sorts of plans for team morale, bonding exercises, and the like. He’d always hated them personally but they were the sort of thing bosses were supposed to do. The trouble was that all of his “how best to run the Archives as a team” ideas had flown right out of his head once he’d gotten down there and found himself at a desk where a woman had maybe died, struggling to record statements, dealing with doggy messes, and that damned persistent feeling of being watched.

Well, now was as good a time as any to start acting the way he should have all along.

“Martin… we will clean the break room. Together. As a group.” He ran his hand through his hair again. He really was going to look a mess. “It is a communal space, it will be a communal job.” He added quickly, “Yes, I know you’ll be here more than the rest of us, but I want us all involved. We need…” He sighed. Time to apologize. “I have been… less supportive of you than I should. And…” He swallowed, aware of the flush rising on his cheeks. “I feel I must apologize. So… I am sorry. But we should do more together, especially given that circumstances have escalated.”

Martin blinked at him for a moment. “You’re… sorry. For… being less… supportive than you should have been.” There was a hard-to-read undercurrent in his tone.

“For being… rude to you… and for punishing you…” Jon replied. “Unjustly.” He gestured to the recorder. “All of this… happened because of your adherence to my instructions…” He frowned. “So. I’m sorry.”

“Well,” Martin snapped, “at least you’re finally realizing that it was… unjust.” He glared at Jon, who suddenly felt pinned to the spot by eyes that were no longer soft but had gone hard as agates.

Jon blinked at Martin. “Are… are you alright?” He was apologizing! He couldn’t be messing that up this badly, could he?

Martin drew a long breath in through his nose. “Yeah,” he said, in a high-pitched, clipped tone. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He went to stand abruptly, pushing away from the desk, and in that same tone, “Well, you’d better get to… briefing people, then. I’ll just… go see how far my paycheck can stretch in Chelsea.” His tone was dripping with bitterness by the end.

Jon stood up. “Martin!” He was vaguely aware of saying it in the same irritated tone he always used for the man’s name, aware that Martin visibly flinched at the word, and tried to moderate his tone. “What is going on? I am apologizing! Is… am I missing something?” He moved around the desk to try to be sure Martin didn’t just leave without finishing the conversation.

“No,” Martin said, stopping while facing the door, tone still a good two octaves above normal. “No, it’s fine. You’re apologizing, and that’s good.” His whole frame was stiff, though, and his tone practically screamed “lying.”

Jon couldn’t read people all that well, but even he could read the signs Martin was giving off. “While your words are clear, your body language says quite otherwise.” He tried to moderate his tone again, but he couldn’t help sounding mildly irritated. He didn’t like being lied to, especially concerning his own actions, and he wasn’t sure what he had done incorrectly in this situation. “Now will you stop and talk to me?”

Martin turned away from the door, faced Jon, jaw set firmly. “What do you want me to say, Jon? Do you want me to… to forgive you? To say ‘oh, sure, you’re sorry, so that makes up for the last six months where you’ve made me want to quit my job every day?’ Am I supposed to… to… just… oh, well, there’s danger, so now you’ve realized I’m an actual person, now you’re going to stop kicking me around, now you’re going to pitch in to help around here as I’m not already the one spending all his time trying to clean up the mess while Tim and Sasha run out to research things so you don’t have to send anyone to double-check my work? Never mind that I’ve been trapped for two weeks, I could’ve been dead and none of you bothered to check on me!”

Martin was all but shouting by the end of the diatribe, every line of him stiff and furious, and Jon was suddenly very aware of the fact that Martin was taller and bigger than he was. He cringed away from Martin, took a step back. “I… I…” He turned away to his desk, grabbed his phone. “Here…” he said, handing it to Martin. “Look!” The phone would solve the problem, if Martin could just see… “There… I… just… please…”

The moment Jon had cringed away Martin had hunched his shoulders, deliberately making himself smaller. Now he was taking long, deep breaths, his expression ashamed. He reached out to take the phone from Jon.

The display was still on the screen of Jon’s message history with Martin. Before the last message from Jane Prentiss was a long list of messages from Jon--numerous messages inquiring about Martin’s health, worried and concerned. He had linked articles about foods to eat when feeling ill, then when he’d realized some of those might be hard for Martin to make alone, found new links that had easier recipes.

There were also, Jon knew, greyed-out deleted messages.

Martin, know that your presence is missed here at the Archives. I am wishing you a quick recovery.

I know it’s sudden, but I find myself missing you. Just thought you should know.

And others, so many others, as Jon had tried to figure out how to pierce the wall built by the texts he’d been getting back from what he now knew was Jane Prentiss, asking to be left alone.

As Jon watched Martin reading the messages he nervously bounced in place, one arm folded over his chest to hold the other. He could feel his skin glowing from embarrassment and he wasn’t even sure why. The blush faded, however, as he watched Martin. Watched the anger fade, and realized what lay underneath. The pain that had been underlying that anger, the way it lifted as Martin read through the message history--it was like a revelation. Martin must have walked in here convinced nobody at his place of employment really cared about him, and Jon realized that that was, indeed, what he must usually think, if something as simple as text messages was making something like hope bloom on his face.

It occurred to Jon, suddenly, that nobody had checked on Martin. For two weeks. No friends, no family. Nobody had even noticed the man was gone.

Jon had to fix this. Somehow. And not by wrapping Martin up in a fierce hug like he very much wanted to; that would not be appreciated from the man’s asshole boss. Even if Martin looked like he really, really needed a hug.

By the time Martin handed the phone back to Jon, his breathing was shaky and unsteady. He dropped back into the chair, like his legs suddenly weren’t working. “S-sorry,” he managed in the barest of whispers. “Sorry.”

“That’s… my line,” Jon said. “I am sorry. I should have said more to make it clear… you are a valued member of this team.” He shook his head, wincing at how… canned that line sounded, but pushed on. “I should have said it at least once. And… I never did. I held you at arm’s length and ostracized you. And… I understand how you felt all that time now…” He sighed. “And… yes, it may have taken this incident to make me realize how terrible a person I’ve been to you since… since you started working here.”

Martin stared down at his hands; Jon could see he was crying, but silently, without sniffling or sobbing. “Why?” he finally managed. He looked up at Jon. “Why? What did I… do? I mean… there was the whole ‘dog’ business at the beginning… what, do you hate dogs that much?” There was a kind of desperation in his tone.”

“No… I mean, sure I’m more of a cat person, but… no… I don’t hate dogs.” Jon frowned. “I… I’ve given that a lot of thought these past two weeks and I think I figured it out.” He sighed. “It wasn’t you I was angry with.” He took a breath. “I was angry at Elias. I like to have a sense of who I work with, to get to know them before I get into anything serious.” Oh, no, wait, that sounded… he hadn’t meant it like… work. He’d meant work! No, he was overthinking that; Martin knew he meant work. He stammered for a moment, though. “It’s… part of who I am… as a person.

Jon took a breath, to steady himself. Focus on the apology. “When Elias… placed you here without telling or consulting me about the selection process, it… felt like a betrayal. I felt that agency over my department had been taken out of my hands. And yes… I know he runs the Institute, but he should have at least consulted me about who is in my department.”

He dropped his head and reached to take a box of tissues from the side of the desk, to slide them towards Martin. An olive branch. “I took out that anger and frustration on you. And that was wrong, I know that now.”

“Not like I wanted to be here either,” Martin mumbled, reaching out for a tissue and wiping at his eyes. It didn’t do much to stop the tears. “I mean, I didn’t even want the damn library job, I j-just…” He stumbled, stammering, “It’s… it’s harder to get a position with a degree in parapsychology than you might think.” He sniffled. “B-but… even on top of that… you and Tim and Sasha, you’re all friends already, you requested them. Even if Tim and Sasha and I get along they don’t really know me, and you… well…” He sighed. “When Elias said I was going to work for Jonathan Sims I just about freaked out. You’ve got a… reputation, you know? I just… I knew it’d be… lonely down here, and it really has been.” There was a furrow between his brows now as he looked at Jon.

Jon frowned. He’d known he had a reputation around the Institute, but he hadn’t thought it was that bad. He took a deep breath; this wasn’t about him right now. “Then let us work on fixing that. Starting now. Like I said, we need to be working together more, improve the… office atmosphere. I… have come to admire your dedication to your work. ‘Due diligence,’ as you put it.”

Martin regarded him quietly for a moment. Then he said, “The thing that really bothers me… I don’t… I don’t think you’d understand.”

Jon frowned. Then, finally, softly, “Try me. You might be surprised.”

Martin swallowed. “I… I’m trans,” he blurted. “Like, I was… I had a girl’s name, when I was younger. Figured out I was a guy when I was a teenager, started hormones, and… well…” He took a deep breath. “My mum’s never approved, you know? She’s always been… difficult, she’s… sometimes she’ll… well, I mean, you know how parents will… say your name, right? Like, when you’ve… disappointed them.”

Jon’s frown deepened. He did not, in fact, know how parents said one’s name, but he could remember his grandmother saying Jonathan in tones of deepest disapproval when he’d come back from wandering off. So he nodded; he understood the feeling, at least.

Martin wiped at his eyes again. “The way she said my name… it made me hate my name. My deadname, I mean. But it… helped me realize I was trans, because when I thought about something else I’d want to be called, I came up with ‘Martin.’ And… and I’m kind of glad sometimes, that she… misgenders me, and refuses to call me Martin, because it means she’ll never, ever say it in that… disappointed tone. I have never regretted that choice, not once, until…”

Martin took in a long, shuddering breath, then straightened himself, looking Jon right in the eye. Like he knew what he was going to say wouldn’t go over well, but he had to say it. “The way you say my name, when you snap at me? It’s exactly like my mother says my deadname. And nobody has ever made me regret that choice. Not… ever.” He swallowed. “Until I met you.”

Jon stared at Martin for a long moment, horrified. He was non-binary himself, and yet he’d never changed his name, never even asked people to call him by different pronouns although he might have preferred it; he’d never had the courage to do so. He’d always been terrified of what people might think of him. Yet here was Martin, strong enough to change himself outwardly despite his mother’s disapproval, strong enough to keep coming in every day to deal with a boss who made him regret the name he’d chosen for himself.

In that moment, Jon felt very much like he did not deserve Martin Blackwood. That the Institute did not deserve Martin Blackwood. They would have to do better, somehow.

Finally he managed, “I’m… I didn’t know. I--” He curled his mouth in disgust. How did one respond to that? Do better? That was only a marginally acceptable platitude. “I will endeavor to change my tone.” He didn’t like that any better, but it was the best he could do.

Jon really, really wanted to offer Martin a hug. The man looked like he needed one. Tim would have offered a hug, workplace hugs could be acceptable… but, no, Jon was Martin’s boss, and Martin had just said how much he hated Jon--because if Jon reminded Martin of the mother who deliberately misgendered him, then he had to hate Jon--and who would want a hug from someone they hated?

There was something he could do to help, though. To pay Martin back, as it were. So he, too, straightened, and said, “Well. You were talking about how far your paycheck will stretch in Chelsea, but I think that will be quite unnecessary. Given that you encountered Jane Prentiss while in the line of duty, as it were, I think we can expense your essentials to the Institute without too much trouble.”

Martin’s eyes widened. “W-wait… won’t that… I mean… won’t Mr. Bouchard be… upset about that?”

Jon actually smirked. “Don’t you worry about Elias; I fully intend to take out my irritation about his habits as a supervisor on him instead of you from here on out.” Not directly, of course, but Elias would be irritated by the entire setup, and some petty part of Jon enjoyed that thought.

Martin was staring at Jon now. “I… I wouldn’t want you to… get in trouble…”

Jon waved a hand. “It’s the least I can do.” He stood. “Let’s get to the shops for toiletries before they close and then we can see about getting some clothing delivered. And, ahh, do you have any… prescriptions you’ll need…?” He was thinking about hormones. “I suppose I could send Tim ‘round to your flat, but I wouldn’t want to put him in danger either…”

Martin stood, hesitating. “I’ll… figure all that out. It’s alright. Really.”

Jon came around the desk to grasp Martin by the arms and look up at him, intently. It was the closest thing to a hug he’d let himself get to. “Martin,” he said, as gently as he could manage, with as much respect as he could manage, “you put yourself in danger because of the way your superiors at this Institute have treated you. Let me at least begin to partly repay that debt. Please.”

Martin was blinking down at him. “Uh… umm… aren’t we having… Mr. Bouchard repay the debt…?”

Jon smiled up at Martin as he dropped his arms. "Ahh, but we’re not going to ask Elias to come help clear out the breakroom. Can you imagine him moving boxes?” He could feel the smile edging into a grin. “His arms would break just from trying to pick one up.”

Martin had started to smile, hesitantly. That was what Jon had been going for; he hadn’t realized how much he actually liked Martin’s smile until he hadn’t been around for two weeks. “I-I mean… you’re not the biggest guy yourself… you might have the same problem.”

“Mmm, fair,” Jon replied, “but I am willing to scrub a floor if I must.”

Martin’s smile widened. “Y-yeah, I can’t imagine… Elias… scrubbing a floor.” He giggled, suddenly. “He probably pays people to do that stuff. He… he’d probably have been hopeless stuck in his flat for two weeks.”

Jon laughed at the mental image of Elias Bouchard stuck in a flat, living off canned meals, a laugh so full he actually threw his head back a bit. “Good lord, Elias, having to live off tinned peaches? Can... you... imagine?”

“H-he’d… probably… start shouting for Rosie.” Martin was giggling so hard he could barely get the words out. He put on a bad posh accent and said, “‘Rosie, why do we have all these tinned peaches? I did not approve this budget!’”

They both dissolved into helpless laughter, both reaching out to the other to hold themselves up. There was a moment, as the laughter waned, that their eyes met, and Jon felt something swoop and flutter in his gut. Martin had such a nice smile, and such a pleasant laugh, and it would be wonderful to have both around more often, and it was making him a little dizzy if he was being honest. When was the last time he’d felt that swoop and flutter? Georgie? Briefly, with Tim?

No, no, that was the laughter and the proximity. That was all. They were bonding over dislike of Elias. That was all.

At least he’d managed to clear the air.

Jon straightened, and kept smiling as he turned toward the door. “Come along, then, Martin,” he said, and again deliberately infused the word with as much respect as he could muster. “Let’s get to the shops.”

Martin nodded. “Thanks for this, Jon,” he said, and oh dear there was another swoop at the way Martin said his name. Had he always said it like that? Had Jon just not noticed? “Really. Thank you.”

Jon turned away to school his expression. This would not do. He was not going to let himself feel any more… swoops for a subordinate. It just wouldn’t do. No matter how nice of a smile he had. He did not have a crush on Martin, because he could not have a crush on Martin, and that was that.

Feeling a little better--it was always a relief, sorting out his emotions--Jon headed out to help Martin get settled into the Archives.

[sodasback]

Coconut Chapstick - For You Series

JJ Maybank x Allie Routledge (John B.’s younger sister)

Reposted from my deleted account:

JJ was out sitting on the dock, just looking out at the water. He heard the back door to the Chateau’s porch slam and saw Allie coming outside looking distressed. He could tell even from that distance that she was holding back tears and she placed her hands on top of her head and paced like she did when she was really upset. He turned back towards the water, letting her have her moment and because he wasn’t in the best mood either. 

Allie took several deep breaths and paced back and forth until she saw JJ sitting out on the dock. At first, she thought she would just leave him be, but she figured she could use some patented JJ Maybank lightheartedness right about now anyway. 

JJ heard her steps down the dock, but didn’t turn around. 

“Hey loser” He greeted her with their usual term of endearment as he took another sip from his can of beer and Allie sat down. 

“Hey” she replied, sitting next to him, both their feet dangling just above the water. “What’re you doing out here?” She asked. 

“Existential crisis, teenage angst, nihilistic thought spirals... the usual” He quipped, earning a small chuckle from Allie. 

“Those are some big words there, pretty boy. Did you accidentally eat a thesaurus?” she teased. 

“Ha ha you’re so funny Allie” he griped, nudging her leg with his and then offering his can of beer. John B. had just yelled at them the day prior about not living up to their potential and JJ being a bad influence on Allie and how if Allie continued doing stuff like drinking, he was gonna send her to live with their mom in Colorado. So Allie raised her eyebrows, surprised JJ was already breaking John B’s new rule. 

“Are you gonna take it or what? Because I’d actually rather not share-” He said, starting to pull his offer back, but Allie grabbed the can from him, inciting a smirk to grow on his face.

“No, no. I’ll take what I can get at this point.” Allie said sipping the beer and taking a deep sigh as she looked out at the water with JJ. 

There was a comfortable silence for a couple minutes. 

“You ever just wanna leave?” Allie asked, still looking ahead at the marsh. 

JJ snorted a little, “Are you kidding me? Did you forget who you’re talking to?” He asked, looking at her. 

“Right, right. How could I forget? Yucatan.” 

JJ nodded, “Yep, that’s right. Surf all day and eat lobsters I-”

“You catch with your bare hands? Yeah, I remember now.” They both smiled.

“So little miss perfect, you have dreams of running away too? I don’t think that’s in big bro’s big plan for you.” 

Allie sighed again, “Yeah, well John B. is just setting himself up for disappointment ...and everyone else for that matter.” She added quietly at the end. 

“Wha’dyou mean?” JJ asked; a furrow in his brow now appearing. Allie shrugged. 

“Everyone thinks I just have it all together all the time. And everyone just assumes I’m gonna go off to a big university and do great things. But I have no fucking clue what I want to do. I don’t know what I’m going to study in school. I don’t even know if I want to go to college.” 

“What? Of course you’re going to college.You are like the single most prepared person for college I’ve ever met, including Pope and he’s off at Chapel Hill.” 

“See? Exactly. Everyone just thinks I’m gonna go, and I just always thought I was supposed to too but... what if I’m not?” 

JJ contemplated her words for a minute and looked at her and she looked back at him, finally seeing the other side of his face the first time that day. JJ looked at her in confusion as he saw her thoughtful expression quickly turn into worry and concern before she reached up and grabbed his chin.

“Owww” JJ exclaimed as Allie not-so-gently wrenched his face toward her so she could get a better look at the damage. 

“Oh my god JJ! What happened to your face?” Allie’s question instinctually slipped out, even though she pretty much already knew. Although, knowing JJ he could have gotten the cut on his lip and the black eye from several different right hooks on the island. 

“Jesus, Al. Careful! .. Well, you can cut anything from the medical field out from your list of potential majors because you are about as gentle as a gorilla.” Allie ignored this comment and just continued looking at his face in concern, waiting for him to answer her initial question. “...I had to go home to get some stuff.” He mumbled, gently moving her hand off his face and looking back at the water. 

"JJ” She said in an aching voice, “I don’t get why you go back there at all anymore. You should just move in here. You’re done with school, you’re 18.” 

JJ was quiet. He didn’t know why he kept going back to be honest. Allie reached out and grabbed his hand squeezing it. 

“You know how amazing I think you are right?” She asked him with a small smile. 

JJ scoffed, “Yeah, I’m so amazing. I’m an 18 year old homeless, stoner surfer who busses tables and mows lawns, who’s only goal is to run away to Mexico.”  He said with dark sarcasm. Allie furrowed her brow, deeply troubled by JJ’s perception of one of her favorite people. 

“Hey” she said getting him to look at her. “You’re so much more than that and you fucking know it. Don’t give me this self-deprecating bullshit. You’re JJ fucking Maybank. Best surfer I know. Can fix anything with a motor. Can charm any room. Got a 5 on your AP Spanish test. ...And you’re a pretty good kisser, I guess.” Allie shrugged at the last part. 

JJ chuckled, “Yeah? How would you know?” JJ asked, nudging into her again. 

Allie gasped in shock,  “Wow, J. I am deeply hurt. You don’t remember?! ... you were my first real kiss. ...Right here on this dock. ...I was like 12 I think or 13 and getting ready for my first boy-girl party and I was out here trying to practice kissing my own arm. And you came out and made fun of me and then offered to teach me?” She said trying to jog his memory and blushing at the last part as revelation washed over JJ’s face. 

“Okay, I was way more smooth than that though! ... yeah, do your lips still taste like coconut chapstick?” He teased, but paused when he saw the way Allie was looking at him.

“You could find out” she said quietly. Then her gaze moved from looking in JJ’s eyes to looking down at JJ’s lips as they started to lean in to each other. 

“Yoooo!” Pope yelled walking down to the dock as JJ and Allie instantly pulled back, turned away from each other and scooted in opposite directions. JJ coughing awkwardly, before realizing his best friend was back. 

“Hey college boy!” Allie recovered from the moment more quickly, standing up to give Pope a hug. 

Taglist: @abbyj1822 @october-cameron @moonrisebeach @hernameisnoell @moniamaybank @railmerafe @phantompogues @jeyramarie @gabiatthedisco

[fandommomhater]

for your drama ask game *drags in my big box labeled ROWAN HATEPOSTING*

ok so last year (in like spring thru summer) I was mutuals with this guy and I thought we got along pretty well! he didn't seem to think very highly of himself, and made a lot of self deprecating jokes, which I would (as lightly as I could) discourage. sometimes he would make posts about wanting to block "That Mutual", or "deleting posts because That Mutual replied to them, etc etc, but being scared of getting a 50 page google doc callout if he did. when I saw these posts I would be like "omg just block them it'll be better for you both in the long run". but still this type of post continued.

eventually he blocked me, so I don't think I need to tell you that I was "That Mutual". but the thing is that he kept making vagues about me- well, not exactly vagues, since he literally tagged them all #rowan hateposting. the posts themselves were pretty vague, just complaining about seeing me on his dash and calling me his "feared and behated mutual in law" or "behated chia pet mutual in law" (the chia pet thing was a joke from when we were mutuals bc I had shaved my head and was now growing it out like a chia pet. so like, kind of annoying misuse of a fun joke with my friends). this got to me, so i blocked him back. a while passes, and I realize he unblocked me, so I do the same, and we just kind of exist like that for a while.

and then, on around September 2nd. he follows me. and I go to his blog because hey whats going on here and I'm immediately greeted with this post

so, after stewing for a bit on whether to confront him and try to talk it out, I finally decide that I am NOT dealing with this guy & softblock him. he makes a handful of posts like "this is so funny aslfajdkafsl" etc etc. and then he asks if he should post "the rowan drafts". I respond to this in the only way I can.

he blocks me almost immediately. and then. the hateposting begins. I counted 27 posts about how I was annoying, hated depressed people, hated him, was just SO annoying, and so on. and other people also joined in! one of them was another ex mutual of mine, but two of them I didn't even KNOW. and also he had screenshots of my blog? from like over months. and one of them was a post that was only up for like 5 minutes.

^ some of my favorite rowan hateposts

some more time passes, and one of his friends (one of the people I didn't know who participated in rowan hateposting, this one called me human garbage for tagging q slur) calls me a terf. for tagging q slur. and calls anyone who says "hey that's not right" a "rowan apologist"

a couple more months pass until we get to a handful of days ago, which is when I found one final (HOPEFULLY FINAL) rowan hatepost from early november

like yeah I'm obviously a neurotypical yoga mom for saying self hatred jokes r not funny. also peep that misgendering. anyway that's my drama hope you liked it

I REMMEBER SOME OF THIS OOHHHHH MY GOD......................EEEEEKK!!!! like no joke does this person not have a life like GIRRLLLLL its so one sided its not even funny. ok its a little funny but only in such a pathetic way like you really have nothing better to do.. FOR THAT LONG TOO.....

[spiritwaker95]

Silent Knight: Happiness

[You know, you’d make Jaune really happy.]

Weiss read the message a second time to make sure she hadn’t be mistaken. She looked up to Neo. “I’m not sure I quite follow what you mean.”

Neo quickly typed out her response, Weiss’ scroll pinging as she sent it. [You and Jaune. I think you two would be perfect for each other.]

A puzzled look took form. It had been some time since they all had escaped the island and reunited with their group, with a now semi-reformed Neo Politan accompanying them, in a similar fashion as Emerald. She remembered how their first encounter with the former criminal had gone, when she and Jaune had found themselves separated from the rest of RWBY and had stumbled upon Neo. She had expected a fight to break out, only to see the young woman looking so... defeated and tired, clutching what she realized what Roman Torchwick’s hat. It had reminded her of Jaune during Atlas, in those few moments when he seemed to think no one was around to see him as he sat in his room, reminiscing with Pyrrha’s sash. Where Jaune had resigned acceptance, Neo appeared to still be anguishing over her loss.

She remembered Jaune seeming to realize that as well and approaching the grieving woman, trying to comfort her, before she had broken into tears adn collapsed against his chest. It had taken a while for them to reunite with Weiss’ team, time in which they had bonded and talked. Weiss always felt like the odd one out of the trio, not knowing that sense of loss as Jaune and Neo did. It felt as though she was the third wheel in their group, watching the two interact, and even after they had run into her team and dealt with the less than welcoming reactions she had expected, their bond still developed. They had become partners and Weiss hadn’t seen Jaune seem so happy as he was around Neo since Beacon. It was as though the hole within him was starting to be filled.

“I’d say the same about you,” she replied.

Neo shook her head in response, a sad smile on her lips that had Weiss frowning. [I can’t bring him happiness, Weiss. Not like you. I’ve seen how he looks at you, and I know about your history. You’d be perfect for him.]

“And I’ve seen how he looks and acts around you,” she retorted, not letting Neo reply before pressing the matter further. “I’ve seen how he has been since Beacon, how lost he seemed. He hasn’t really been this happy as he has been since you joined us. You’ve bound to see how he looks at you. He might not be the best at realizing other people’s feelings, but he easily makes his known. I can personally attest to that.” She gave a gentle chuckle. “He doesn’t act that way around me, Neo, nor around anyone else. Only you bring this side of him out. You make him happy, not me.”

Whatever smile she might have had began to fall as she realized there were tears in Neo’s eyes, her petite body trembling as she rapidly typed, seeming to delete and retype whatever it was she was trying to say. After several tense moments, Weiss heard the message send.

[I can’t.]

Confusion swelled within Weiss as a second message appeared.

[I’d only end up hurting him, same as everyone else. I don’t deserve him.]

Before she could even ask what she meant by that, Neo had run off, most likely while Weiss was reading her message. Neo would only hurt Jaune? Didn’t deserve him? Where had she...

Oh, Weiss realized. Neo, despite how she was now, was still a criminal. She had still fought them and brought harm to people. She didn’t know if Neo had ever killed anyone, but she suspected as much if she had worked with Cinder, though she still chose to give her the benefit of the doubt. She had been the reason Yang had been the first to fall into the Void, trying to hurt Ruby in her grief, same as Jaune had tried doing with Cinder. In her mind, she brought nothing but pain and suffering, and she now seemed to believe she’d do the same to Jaune. That for all the blood on her hands, she didn’t deserve to have happiness, and by this logic, she felt she had to ensure Jaune received such happiness elsewhere, just has he had done for Weiss back in Beacon with Neptune.

“Idiot,” she muttered, shaking her head. Neo truly was like Jaune in that regard, so jaded and closed off that she didn’t believe she deserved a happy ending, and as such thought Weiss would give him what she couldn’t. Weiss cared about Jaune, she would confess, but any sense of romantic attraction wasn’t there. She cared for him like she cared for her own brother. He had saved her life. And even if she did feel such a way, she could tell Jaune didn’t, his eyes and heart holding that flame towards Neo. The fact he hadn’t made any move told her he most likely felt the same towards Neo as she did towards him: unsure and undeserving.

That would not do. Weiss Schnee would not stand around and watch these two love-struck idiots self-deprecate and refuse to make the first move. A part of her felt she owed Jaune this, to repay his kindness from so long ago.

They would get their happy endings, and damned be any who got in the way.

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@rwby-sk so... surprise XD