#set during 4x11

[calliecwrites]

Gagh

Quark’s Bar on DS9, sometime after the end of the Dominion War.

“So let me get this straight.” Quark stares across the bar at me. “You’re a shapeshifter and a human?”

I wince only slightly. Am I human? My people’s history with that word is complicated. Sometimes we’ve claimed it, sometimes we’ve rejected it, but we’ve always had to exist in relation to it. And right now I look pretty human. That’s a thing we’ve always had to be good at. I turn my skin blue to make the point.

“You’re sure you’re not a Changeling?” he says.

“I told you, I’m a shifter,” I say. I point at the bottle of Romulan ale. “Give me that and I’ll prove it.”

He watches me closely as I down it in one.

“You drink. He never did.”

Quark means Odo, of course. Everyone here compares me to him, though he’s long gone. Some people leave a lasting impression.

He sets down my plate of gagh and watches as I eat. It’s alive and wriggling, as it should be.

“So how come no one’s ever heard of you?” he says.

“Ever heard any human myths?” I say. “Then maybe you have.” I shrug. “We kept to ourselves. Things were bad before the Federation, and old habits die hard. But we’ve always been there. There were never many of us. Things were too close during the war, and we decided it was time to come out into the light.”

Earth hadn’t been under that much scrutiny in a long time. After the bombing, people were looking for Changelings everywhere. Troops in the streets, blood tests, then the power outage – it was only a matter of time before they found us instead. Better to come out on our own terms. Show we stood with the Federation, not against it. That we wanted to help. The vampires and the werewolves and all the rest did the same, but they had an easier time of it. After all, the Federation wasn’t at war with people like them.

Quark hears the strain in my voice and changes the subject. “And I hear you’re doing well for yourself – a lieutenant on the Enterprise!”

I shrug again. “Think of us as another species, and it’s not that different.”

“So, uh…” I can guess what question is coming next, and he doesn’t disappoint. “Tell me about this absorption thing?”

“You mean this?” I take a handful of gagh, and pull. Doesn’t taste as good this way, but what the hell. Best to get the staring over early. And now I have an intimate understanding of the structure of live serpent worms, just in case I ever need to be one.

Quark’s eyes almost pop out of his head. No Changeling can do what I’ve just done. And the next question is going to be could you do that to a person—

Instead he grabs a passing dabo girl, not taking his eyes off my hand.

“Get the lady more gagh. I’m gonna need to see that again.”

The shifters' abilities were originally inspired by the Changelings, so doing a Star Trek crossover makes perfect sense! The 'troops in the streets' part is a reference to DS9 4x11 "Homefront" - not a good time to be a shifter on Earth.

Tag list (let me know if you want to be added):

@leahnardo-da-veggie @sandyca5tle @scrubbinn

[imminent-danger-came]

So, here's a thought about the idea that Qi Xiaotian is Underworld x Sun Wukong- in the original text, Macaque was a metaphor for a person's darker side, Wukong's darkest impulses. We never even saw what he actually looked like because he spent most of the chapter transformed into Wukong and he died.

So, maybe the whole harbinger thing is a reference to that. Wukong's darkest impulses are killed, maybe without a metaphor, and that part of his soul gets sent down to the Underworld. That part is scooped up, repackaged in the stone egg, and left to soak up Flower Fruit Mountain and Sun Wukong energy for an extra boost.

Dots are connecting, I'm probably not connecting shit, but dots are connecting.

I'm reading a summary of the jttw chapters (ch. 56-58) with the six-eared Macaque in them, and apparently "not even the imp-reflecting mirror [could] tell them apart" ("Origin of the Six-Eared Macaque and the Character’s Influence on Black Myth: Wukong" by JTTW Research). In lmk, this imp-reflecting mirror is the demon revealing mirror from 2x02, which I've had a lot of fun thinking about in reference to MK.

During Wukong and false-Wukong's fight, they traveled down to the underworld, and then they were sent to the Buddha who recognized the imposter immediately. The Buddha then gave an explanation of the 4 spiritual primates (which feels relevant to a conversation around MK and his relation to Wukong for obvious reasons), and he's able to identify Wukong's double as the six-eared Macaque. Macaque senses that he is in danger, and he turns into a bee to attempt to escape.

JTTW Research's article also brings attention to Wukong embodying the concept of a "Mind Monkey" (typically paired with the phrase "Idea Horse"), which is a Buddhist concept describing "restlessness, capriciousness, and lack of control in one's thoughts". In the Villains Wiki (which isn't the most reputable source but it brings up an interesting concept), the six-eared Macaque is referred to as representing "what Wukong could become had the latter chose power and chaotic freedom over protecting Sanzang." This is in line with what Macaque highlights in 4x11, "Wukong was on a path of self-destruction—we all were. But when he met the monk, it set him on a different path."

Ch. 58 of JTTW also calls attention to the concept of "non-duality", and as JTTW Research discusses "One mind” (Sk: ekacitta; Ch: yixin, 一心) is a high-level philosophy and core tenet of many Buddhist schools that refers to a tranquil, immovable mind that encompasses non-duality". If an individual has two minds instead of one mind, "disasters he’ll breed; / He’ll guess and conjecture both far and near”. I find this idea of "non-duality" super interesting, especially in context with MK's two distinct identities: his identity as "MK" and his identity as the "Monkey Kid"—his identity as a "Regular Noodle Delivery Boy" and as a "Monkey Demon". MK is constantly at war with himself, and I feel that his path as a "Mind Monkey" involves the restlessness that comes with mental illness and neurodiversity. So MK's own path forward will involve him stepping off the path of self-destruction—which means reconciling the different parts of himself, to be "one mind".

Now, this doesn't offer an explanation for MK's origins, but I do think the concept of pre-stone MK being "what Wukong could become had he chosen power and chaotic freedom" is worth discussing. I've always posited/enjoyed the idea that Wukong gave MK a second chance (with the reincarnations of the pilgrims), just like Wukong himself was given a second chance. With MK being given the title of "Harbinger of Chaos" in s4, and Wukong's original trajectory being one of chaos, MK has the potential to go/have gone farther than his mentor ever did.

[klaineccfanficlibrary]

hi!! can you recc some fics set between 4x10 and 4x14, aka what happened behind the scenes that lead kurt and blaine to the car makeout after their christmas in new york?

Hi - you asked! There's a long list to follow, most are reaction fics to the episodes. ~ Jen

4X 10

Baby, It’s Cold Outside by whyitisyou

Kurt and Blaine end up spending the Holidays after their first break-up together in New York. They use the time to talk and they have to deal with the fact that they still feel warm about each other.

~~~~~

If The Fates Allow  by flaming muse

Blaine is feeling a lot of things. He adds cold to the list.

canonical, set just after 4x10 (“Glee, Actually”), no spoilers beyond

~~~~~

If the Fates Allowby Keitorin Asthore

Blaine desperately wants to do something, but he’s at a loss. And then Burt has a favor to ask him. Reaction fic to the Kurt plotline in “Glee Actually.” Klaine. Oneshot. COMPLETE.

~~~~~

Soliloquy By flamingmuse

The clock says it’s two-thirty-six in the morning when Kurt finally decides he isn’t going to sleep. He sits up slowly on the couch and rubs his hands over his face. His limbs feel heavy with fatigue, but it’s not just physical exhaustion that weighs on his shoulders tonight.

Dialogue-free, angsty Kurt introspection set during Glee 4x10 (“Glee, Actually”) in the wee hours of Christmas morning.

~~~~~

Time to dissolve by misqueue

Set over episode 4x10 "Glee Actually". There's little about Christmas this year that Kurt would choose. That's not necessarily a bad thing. A story of family and friendship and transforming grief into hope.

~~~~~

Are We Ever Gonna Be Okay Again? by @justgleekout

An alternate timeline in which Kurt did go to Lima for Christmas and he and Blaine had that much-needed heart-to-heart.

But uh-oh! It's angst and they cry.

~~~~

Merry and Bright by SiderumInCaelo

Kurt and Blaine, ice skating.

~~~~~

Missed by BlurglesmurfKlaine

Super short (like blink and you'll miss it) reaction fic I wrote immediately after Glee, Actually aired because I have a LOT of feelings about that episode.

~~~~~~

May your days be merry and bright by ShanleenKinnJaskey

Blaine surprises Kurt with his Christmas gift, and of course there's singing, kissing, and ice skating.

~~~~

Pocket Dial by nachochang

Blaine and Burt have a series of phone conversations that result in Blaine going to NYC for Christmas. Post-Ep for 4x10, Glee, Actually.

~~~~~

4.11 Sadie Hawkins

Fragile Gifts by @wowbright

4.11 reaction. Blaine loves three different people in three very different ways.

and

Unexpected gifts By @wowbright

4.11 missing scene fic. Tina takes Blaine home from the dance. She's quite the gentleman even though she might rather be a rake.

~~~~~

Seneca Falls, Selma and Stonewall by flaming-muse

Blaine watches the inauguration alone in his house, a bowl of microwave popcorn cooling on the coffee table and a glass of soda fizzing gently by his hand.

set in the canonical present, so assumes through 4x10 (“Glee, Actually”) with no spoilers beyond, takes place on January 21rst, 2013

~~~~~

You Are Here and So Am I by Edwardina

Glee kink meme fill. Takes place circa 413. Blaine and Kurt are in touch. Kurt senses Blaine is down and manages to wheedle out of him that he has a crush on Sam. Kurt can sympathize because he’s been there. Their conversation about Sam morphs and Klaine end up having a pretty hot phone sex session.

~~~~~

One More Night by trufflemores_Glee_fic

Blaine has a crush on Sam. It’s not subtle.

~~~~~

Reassurance by NikkiEvans

A short phone call between Kurt and Blaine reveals why Sam is Blaine’s crush. It has a lot more to do with Kurt than anyone realizes. OneShot 4.11 reaction fic.

~~~~~

4.12 Naked

Bare by Flaming_muse

Kurt and Rachel get a surprise package in the mail from Tina.

set in canon, episode tag for and spoilers through 4x12 (“Naked”), with no spoilers beyond

~~~~~~

Those stumbling words by misqueue

Set between 4x11 "Sadie Hawkins" and 4x12 "Naked". In a phone call after the Sadie Hawkin's dance, Kurt has something to tell Blaine. For klaineadvent 2013

And I breathe   by misqueue

Set during 4x12 "Naked". Lonely, Blaine goes to Scandals looking for a human connection, but what he finds isn't what he expects.

~~~~~

I'll be Looking at the Moon by misqueue

Blaine's surprised when Kurt texts him after his first date with Adam. It didn't go how Kurt expected. Set around 3x12 "Naked" and immediately following And I Breathe".

~~~~~

Tiny Imperfections By @wowbright

4.12 missing scene +. No teacher tells Blaine to go see Ms. Pillsbury, and his boyfriend doesn't drag him there. But he goes to talk to her anyway, because he wants to.

~~~~~

Long way home by pene

It can take a little time to find your way home. Warning: Finn’s death is referenced throughout the story.

This is alternate canon, splitting off somewhere around Glease. It is a love story foremost, but some chapters are possibly a bit sad, particularly the first one.

~~~~~

Less Than Decent Exposure by @lady-divine-writes

Rachel and Kurt get a copy of The Men of McKinley calendar in the mail from Sam. Its arrival is met with mixed reactions. Rachel is fine with it, Kurt is appalled…until Rachel directs him to two months in particular - January and December.

Written for the Klaine Advent Drabble prompt ‘indecent’. Takes place during the episode ‘Naked’.

~~~~~

4.13 Diva

Diva Love Fest by Flowerfan

After Blaine sings “Don’t Stop Me Now,” the Glee club reflects on his Diva-hood and, as Artie calls it, his "sexy stylings."

Support by trufflemores_Glee_fic

Blaine isn’t having the best week, but it’s improving.

~~~~~

4.14 I do

Best to look at the library tag for this one! Lots of choice!

It's Too easy By insighfulinsomniac

Missing Moments/Episode Expansion of 4x14 “I Do.”

Kurt was confident that he and Blaine could have a repeat of Christmas — a shared holiday and a sweet duet that means nothing more than two friends enjoying each other’s company. That lasts about as long as one duet practice session at Blaine’s house the night before the wedding.

After that, it’s all too easy for Kurt to reach out for Blaine, to re-establish a connection that’s never truly left them.

And maybe, just maybe, it might change things between them. But one thing’s for sure — as much as he wants to pretend it’s not true, Kurt still loves Blaine.

~~~~~

Shut me up and tie me down by milopoli

A peak behind the curtains of hotel room 206 after Will&Emma's wedding reception aka a Klaine smut fic in three acts.

~~~~~

Thought you should see this by slayerkitty S&C sign in needed

This is a combination reaction fic to 4.15 and 4.16, then goes completely AU for 4.17 onward, though I do incorporate some spoilers for 4.18 (One section of this will talk about there being a possible school shooting at McKinley - I don't go into detail, but if this is triggering for you at all, please don't read it). Ultimately, this is a Klaine reunion fic. This is a combination reaction fic to 4.15 and 4.16, then goes completely AU for 4.17 onward, though I do incorporate some spoilers for 4.18 (One section of this will talk about there being a possible school shooting at McKinley - I don't go into detail, but if this is triggering for you at all, please don't read it). Ultimately, this is a Klaine reunion fic.

~~~~~

A Ton of Twitterpation by @wowbright

Kurt has coffee with Adam the day after he gets back from Lima. Kurt notices that the barista has a crush on Adam, and Adam notices … well, you'll see.

~~~~~

Voice of Experience by flaming_muse

For once, Blaine knows something Kurt does not.

set within 4x14 (“I Do”), with no spoilers beyond

~~~~~

Shining Down for me by misqueue

Set within 4x14 "I Do". Kurt comes home for Will & Emma's wedding

~~~~~

Blaine Absolutely Knew He Was In Love by  Corriebird

“Blaine steps forward and whispers in Kurt’s ear, "If it’s not exclusive, then what’s to stop you?” Kurt’s eyes flare and he inhales sharply, so he steps back and heads to the bathroom without looking back. This is what life is, right? This is what it means to be alone, to be lonely. Taking what you can get. Sucking the marrow out, even if it’ll break your heart later.“ 4.14 fic!

Also

99 Perspectives on a Single Love story By @spaceorphan18

The Story of Kurt and Blaine told through the eyes of everyone else but them. Each chapter is a different perspective in the ongoing tale of their love story.

Chapters 54 The Photographers (Glee actually)

Chapter 55 Tine Cohen-Chang (Sadie Hawkins)

Chapter 56 Brody Weston (Naked)

Chapter 57 The Sychophants (Diva)

Chapter 58 Marley Rose (I Do)

Chapter 59 Adam Crawford (Girls and Boys on Film)

~~~~~

Enjoy!!

[woodelf68]

MY FIC: RUMBELLE/OUAT, RUSHBELLE, MACELLE, SGU

Posting this because I've been having trouble editing my blog page fic masterlists for the last couple of years, so I'm going to have the blog page just link to this post; it's quicker to update a text post with a new fic vs. going into blog settings anyway.

Rumbelle:

Midnight Confessions — Rumbelle fluff diverging from The Crocodile.

Home — Post-Neverland Rumbelle reunion sex.

To Wash All Cares Away — Rumbelle shower sex. Sequel to Home.   Extra scene

Not Beyond Repair — Rumbelle, set after ‘Witch Hunt’. Belle is trapped in the cage with Rumpel. 

In The Dark – sequel to Not Beyond Repair. (new!)

Generations — Henry/Gold bonding at Neal’s grave. Angst/fluff mix.

Hot and Cold —Rumbelle smut. A warm summer day and a cold frozen treat. 

Simmer — Belle’s got a new string bikini. Rumpel approves. Smut.

Addendum — An extended version of the deleted scene between Henry and Rumpeltiltkin from 4x02.

Dark Lover — Belle confesses a fantasy. Rumbelle smut

In Which Rumpelstiltskin Receives Help From An Unexpected Source — The Rumbelle Deer comes to Rumpel’s aid when Belle forces him across the town line. Because there’s nothing like adding a little crack to canon. Based on the ending of 4x11.

Some Other Floof of July – a sequel to junoinferno’s “Some Other Kiss Me”, Rumpel and Belle see a glimpse of themselves in another reality in a crystal ball. Post season 4 fic. 

Spinning – Short season 1 AU fluff.

Brother – Neal might be gone, but he isn’t forgotten. Future Rumbaby fic.

Girls on Film – Photographer!Gold and first-time model!Belle. Rated T

A Fresh Start  – Gold needs to turn his aging inn back into a successful enterprise if he wants to help send Bae to college. Their part-time maid Belle is full of ideas and an unexpected surprise. 

Reflections –  Mirror sex prompt

Poppet – Voodoo doll smut prompt

The Things We Do For Love  – Rumpel decides to surprise Belle with an idea from her book on how to spice up one’s love life. Rated T for chapter one  and E for Chapter Two here

Just a Dream – Fix-it fic for 6A. 

Higher – Rumbaby fluff. “Push me higher, Mommy!”

Wedding Dance – Gideon’s grown up.

The Lesson – Showjumper!Belle and coach!Gold at the Olympics. 

The Way Forward – Henry takes adult!Gideon under his wing, and Rumbelle contemplate the future. (canon compliant until the season 6 finale)

Best Beloveds – Young Gideon’s having a bad day. His Papa makes it better. 

Prompt: Gideon Loves Trains

Prompt: Baby Gideon gets dressed up

Spinner – Pony!Rumbelle + human!Rumbelle, all in one fic! 

A Life Worth Living – Fix-it for 7x04, Beauty. Fills in some of the spaces during Gideon’s first ten years. (TEA winner, best travel fic 2019)

Bright Shining Star – It’s Henry’s birthday. Rumpel makes sure that those who cannot be there are not forgotten. 

The Fire Down Below – Spilled lust potion, Dark Castle smut. 

Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out - Gold and Belle roleplay as hippies (For some reason this will not link; just search the title on my blog to find it!)

The Spirit Of The Trees – Tree spirit!Rum is awakened by Belle

Tales from the Rumbelle Floofy!verse: In which silliness may occur, Rumpel is the best Grandpa ever, and Neal survives. 

Bargain — Henry wants a birthday present for Emma. Gold has just the thing, and a special price for his youngest and cutest customer. 

Everyone Needs A Hobby —  Rumpelstiltskin really doesn’t like fairies. And they press so beautifully.

Whatever It Takes — All they want is one uninterrupted date.

Manhattan Redux — an alternate scene between Gold and Henry in New York. Gold’s dying, but Henry refuses to let him give up. 

Family — How things could have gone in Neverland. Rumpel doesn’t let being squid-inked stop him from rescuing Henry.

Hello, Deerie — Christmas-themed Rumbelle and Floof Family Fluff

To Rise Again — Rumbelle/Nealfire AU. What if Belle had grabbed the dagger instead of Zelena at the Dark Vault? Could Neal have been saved?

The Floof of July — The Floof Family celebrates the Fourth of July in the Gold’s backyard. Part of my ‘verse in which Neal survived.. 

What The Storm Brought — It was a dark and stormy night. Henry discovers what it left behind.

The Storybrooke Ice Bucket Challenge — Henry’s nominated his grandfathers. Rumpel’s clever enough to see where it could lead.

A Difficulty With Dragons — Rumpelstiltskin won’t let a magical mishap stop him from attending Henry’s school awards ceremony. 

Like Father, Like Son — A taste for a certain checked shirt seems to be run in the family. Neal/Henry scene.

Cookies — Family times in the Gold’s kitchen.

Operation: Wolfpack (chapter one) – Henry thinks his parents might just need a helping hand to get them back together. He takes himself out of the way by spending the night at the Gold’s house. 

Operation: Wolfpack (chapter two) – Henry spots a couple of familiar faces at the animal shelter. Can he convince his grandparents to adopt not just one but two dogs? And Emma and Neal have news to share. 

Trick or Treat – Halloween time at the Gold household with Henry and Neal and a surprise announcement from Belle.

Hunt For The Green Unicorn – The Storybrooke Summer Arts and Crafts Festival and some horned friends becomes part of the Gold family tradition. 

 Accidental Magic – Future fic. 5 year-old Jenny Gold gets her birthday wish.  2020 TEA winner for best OC Rumbelle child. 

RUSHBELLE AND MACELLE:

Consequences — Rushbelle smut

The Saga of Fluffy the Space Unicorn — Rushbelle fluff. Just another day on a  new planet.

An Unusual Development — Rushbelle, a little bit crack, a little bit angst. Something is growing out of the center of Rush’s forehead. In other words, unicorn!Rush.  CHAPTER TWO

Of Heather Beer and Rubber Duckies – Rushbelle fluff. Belle has a little too much to drink. 

Fantasy, With Tongue – Rushbelle smut. Rush wants to hear Belle’s kinkiest fantasy.

The Cave – Rushbelle smut. Rush finds a hidden sea cave when exploring a planet. He invites Belle to come see. 

He Creeps Into Dreams — inspired by Bad Faery’s 'And Again'.  Belle dreams of her late husband Nick. Or is it just a dream? (NTIC*/pre-Macelle) (*Nick the Incorporeal Creeper, introduced in 'And Again', aka the Nicholas Rush who was forced to Ascend but who took on a life of his own outside the fic helpfully nudging single Belles towards a Bobby character who can make them happy.)

At His Service — Inspired by Bad Faery’s 'And Again'.  More blowjobs for Joseph.(Macelle)

SGU:

Prelude – Nick and Gloria Rush’s first morning together as a married couple. (SGU)

Not What It Appears – Rush and Young are trapped in someone’s dream. Naked. Will they do what it takes to get the dream to end? NC-17 (SGU)

[outrunningthedark]

The mideseason finale makes me think that knowing who writes/directs an episode does not really factor into whether the episode will be good or bad anymore, except for those who are notoriously bad at their job (*cough*NADIA*cough*). When you (gen.) prioritize making false incentives rather than thinking up a plot, you know your own work is bad. Now I'm not sure if Juan and Bradley being here around midseason premiere will be anything worth celebrating if they're given bad materials from their superiors because let's not mice the words, Andrew's work at 6x08 is terrible.

NGL I'm still mad over KR saying she'd write a musical episode so that she doesn't have to work. This and the clearly deceptive promo picture releases they have been doing is so infuriating. For the record, I'm still blaming Tim for leaving the show under KR's "care," but whether she has always been meant to be a scapegoat from the start or not, it doesn't diminish the fact that she's done an increasingly terrible job.

First, Nadia may not be my favorite writer, but I still think she showed promise in her early episodes.

Pinned had Michael pondering a future where he isn't around for his kids, especially Harry, who was only 10 when Michael's tumor was discovered. Eddie told Chim "Tomorrow isn't promised...so if you love [Maddie], tell her." Which Chimney did. Then Madney were able to work together to save the woman at the restaurant during their date. The ending set up the hostage situation at dispatch, which Nadia also wrote. I don't think many had complaints about that episode unless they don't care for dispatch-centric plots. 9-1-1, What's Your Grievance? had great work all around during the Buckley family "reunion". A mother people wanted to cuss out. A worried sister. A heartbroken son. And there was a bit of humor to be found re: Chim knowing the secret about Daniel and struggling to keep it to himself. Once it got to 4x11 and having to put TayKay front and center...idk, man. The quality went downhill. (Maybe because her strength is writing for Maddie?) The "Josh Begins" story wasn't awful, IMO, but was received poorly because Josh is a secondary character - as in, 'why are we spending time on this guy's background?' - that is *not* loved by everyone. If it was a story about Linda...probably a different reaction because fandom finds her more likeable. (Let's not forget that Kristen helped co-write that one! So she was on board with, if not suggested, Josh getting the spotlight!) The fact that it happened during an episode where BT was unavoidable...not helpful. People focused on that more than anything no matter whether they were applauding TayKay's "good looks" or cursing the show for bringing her back again. (Now that I've got that out of the way...) IA with you that knowing who the writer is/writers are doesn't hold as much weight as in previous seasons. We might be able to get an idea of what an episode will involve, but since Kristen's visions and the fandom's are miles apart, there's no guarantee that the final product will resonate. TBH, though I enjoyed the Eddie and Athena "detective work" the week before in Cursed, having an entire episode dedicated to one character that has no relation to anybody took me out of the story during the original airing. Taylor should have been given more to work with. (Sometimes running an expensive show is the opposite of a good thing. Gotta cut corners whenever possible.)

[dahllaz]

25x11 Prima Nocta

It makes absolutely no sense that Rollins was just full on working the case and there during the rape kit and all that.

I do not care.

It was awesome to have her back. I loved the episode.

The conversations with Carisi, with Liv, her walking back in and just hitting the ground running, the group discussing the case back and forth in the squad room, the not knowing who the perp was for so long. Good shit good shit good shit.

The UC to catch the perp was written kinda weird though? I mean. The initial set up was good and kinda cute, with Rollins and Carisi working it together (even if ridiculous that a {sort of but maybe not??} non-detective and the ADA are the ones going under) but the UC bit specifically when the perp showed up at the room was just...off. It seemed like they were setting up catching him in the act, and okay no? They're really just trying to get the DNA instead? But then no one else seemed to be aware of that part of the plan but Amanda so. That was weird. Made it the weakest bit of the episode for me.

And the end conversation with Liv was a bit confusing, too. Did they think there were gonna have her (Kelli) back and then got word that they were not or word that they don't know yet at least and so then had to do a quick edit or something? Or are they're setting up a sort of consulting thing? Or... Just confusing to spend a whole episode obviously setting up a return and then to be like nah, Rollins doesn't really want to be back at SVU and Olivia thinks it's not what she really wants. Unless they're gonna move her to Original Flavor or OC???? But hell, a lot of the fun of having her back in this episode was how she interacted with this squad, both the OGs and the Newbies.

So. I just. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It's also kinda weird/sad that 1) 5 people is a full squad with no room for additions. Sure miss the days of Season one where 5 were just the detectives we followed but there were several other detectives obviously working cases in the background. 2) part of that full squad is a Captain (with the captain of the unit also full on working cases like a detective haha) and an on-loan FBI agent, so no spot for someone with an actual rank of detective lolololol

OC 4x11 Redcoat

It's kind of weird, in a lot of ways OC is a way more solid show than SVU this season. The writing is really good, the acting is really good. And yet...I just don't enjoy or care about it as much.

And I'm still really sad that Sam is dead. I don't want to get attached to newbies on SVU 'cause they'll just disappear (where did Churlish gooooo) and I don't want to get attached to newbies on OC 'cause they'll just die.

Glad the ATF lady didn't die. I'm kind of surprised at how much I've grown to like Randall; I'm digging his relationship with Elliot. But since we are doing more with his family, wish we got to see more of his kids. Especially Kathleen and Eli. Which I guess is kind of funny to say when we did briefly see Eli this episode. And what the heck are they planning with him and his big news... Maybe someday Lizzie will even get to speak! That'd be nice.

Joe Jr. is gonna do something stupid and get himself killed is my prediction and Elliot is gonna blame himself and...hope I'm wrong. Kind of tired of people dying all the time in OC and Elliot spiraling. Then again, I'm kind of tired of him doing long stints UC too (tired of the frequent spiraling and the running away into other personas and him never even being close to available for his family) and that's the whole premise of the show so I guess there's why I don't enjoy or care about it as much. Huh.

It made me laugh that Elliot has no idea that Kyle is Vargas. Though it was really weird that no one from OC brought him up to speed on that part of the investigation and it's Randall giving him the run down.

[livinglifelikeyashould]

i love you (jake x amy)

So i was having the Feels™ and i came across the prompt ‘Describe how it feels in your mouth to say I love you’ and I wanted to explore that so I started writing this but it kind of spiraled out of control and yeah. :D This is set during 4x11 and it contains spoilers, so if you haven’t watched it, be warned! Also this is also posted on AO3, so if you want you can go read there and show some love if you like it: http://archiveofourown.org/works/9182590

He makes the mistake of turning to look at her.

He splutters and the words he has memorized since his days at the academy die on his lips. He does a sort of double take, his mouth stays open and he doesn’t care that the awful smell of the sewers is invading his mouth and will probably make him gag later. She has that determined and focused expression on her face, she’s racing through the Miranda rights, her brows furrowed and her hands steadily holding her gun towards the perp. She’s there and she’s awesome and she wants to move in with him.

The thought makes him feel the words on the tip of his tongue. At first it starts out in his chest, a warm wave that at the same time makes his chest constrict and fill with air which Jake realizes is literally impossible but he swears that’s what it feels like. The wave then spreads through his entire body, sending pleasant chills down his spine, arms and legs until finally he feels it in his toes and has the urge to curl them or skip which would totally ruin the moment because he has his gun drawn in front of a perp, so he’s totally nailing the badass thing.

He can’t help but be madly in love with Amy Santiago, damn it.

“Why did you stop?”

Jake’s aware he has this dumbstruck expression on and that both Terry and Charles are here to witness him making heart eyes at Amy but he finds he doesn’t care because she has confusion written all over her face and it’s so adorable and so Amy that his heart could burst right out of his chest. Absentmindedly Jake figures that would be bad because blood would be all over the place and the heart would probably hit someone in the face and he definitely doesn’t want any member of the squad seeing his insides but he figures it’s not that bad of a way to go, considering his last image would be that amazing expression on Amy Santiago’s face.

“I’m done. You win,” Jake says. He feels the corners of his lips turn upwards just a fraction at the sight of Amy blinking because she doesn’t get it.

“Wh-what?”

His mouth is dry, this whole time it’s been open because of the awesome oozing out of Amy, but he doesn’t need to swallow or wet his lips in order to easily form the words. His voice is steady and sure, his gaze unwavering and while two years ago Jake would look everywhere but at the person he’s talking to and stumble spectacularly through a simple sentence (I’m uncomfortable with emotions) there isn’t a single damn thing stopping him now from assuring Amy that he means what he is about to say. His tongue hits the roof of his mouth gently, not like when he says You’re under arrest! or Noice! when it slams on it quickly and roughly, no, this is different. It’s soft and it’s pleasant and after that his tongue moves smoothly back to its resting place and stays there in peace while his jaw moves so that his lower lip can slightly touch the upper row of his teeth without digging into it because this word doesn’t need that kind of roughness. Other times when he’s frustrated or he’s trying to concentrate the two collide so harshly that his lip is chapped for like a week which is super dumb because he knows Amy feels it when he kisses her and he feels like he’s just ruining the experience for her.

Done with that (huge) word he moves on to the next which is also super important because it’s her, it’s always been her and he wants her to know it. His mouth moves so that it can form the shape of a small, disfigured, not-what-it-actually-is circle and he keeps his voice steady but soft simultaneously, after which it dies out but not in a disappointing way.

“I love you.”

Jake knows he felt it before he said it but now that he has it multiplies like a bajillion times which always happens whenever he says it to Amy. The constricting of his chest is somehow more intense immediately after but at the same time he feels so lightweight, like a feather off to the blue skies in search of its destiny.

He’s gonna have to remember that one, Charles always appreciates his genius.

He doesn’t know how he doesn’t drop his gun because of the chills running through his arms once again but he’s rooted to the spot, a small dopey smile plastered on his face because he knows that no matter how much delight winning their bet would bring him it would be nothing compared to the satisfaction of knowing that he made this beautiful creature he is damn lucky to call his girlfriend happy.

“I wanna move into your apartment.”

Amy’s eyebrows shoot up in disbelief and her mouth opens and if Jake wasn’t so mesmerized by her beauty and adorableness he would’ve gotten a little bit frustrated that she can’t believe that he would literally shoot the stars off the sky if she asked if it meant she would be happy.

Like, a tiny bit frustrated but frustrated nonetheless.

(He can almost hear her saying Are you kidding?! You’re Orangina! and his chest feels tight once more.)

Amy’s expression softens and she smiles through her open mouth and Jake realizes that her eyebrows are still raised in confusion which urges him to spill the explanation from his mouth so he can see her fully smile. She manages to speak before him though, her voice so small like he’s saying something that is unbelievable but she still wants to believe it and Jake wonders if young Amy had the same look on her face and the same tone when she got a gift she really wanted as a child.

Because he’s such an awesome multitasker, Jake files away that thought for when he finally meets Amy’s mother and can ask as many questions about her childhood as he wants.

“Really?” Her smile widens and damn it, is his vest too tight? “I love you, too.”

Jake’s fully grinning now because he loves the tilt of her voice when she says it, he loves how her face is filled with endearment for him, he loves how her mouth moves gracefully around the words and he loves how she feels the same as him. He hopes that she doesn’t feel exactly as he does though because honestly, he feels like he can rip his vest with just his breathing which would be bad for both of them and Charles and Terry.

Just as Jake realizes that he and Amy are having a moment in front of their colleagues and a dangerous convict but can’t quite stop himself from gazing lovingly into Amy’s eyes, Charles’ voice carries through the sewer.

“Oh my God, what a beautiful moment! And you guys, Amy’s ovulating as we speak!” he chatters excitedly, his gaze darting left and right to him and Amy. Jake can practically see him twitch with the effort it takes for Boyle not to jump in happiness but then he realizes just what his best friend said.

“What?” Jake says, his expression contorting into a confused grimace and at the same time Amy replies exasperated: “Charles!” He figures she knows what Boyle is talking about but he also decides that he doesn’t want to know so he just shakes it off and holsters his gun, falling into step with Amy while they follow the Sarge, Charles and the perp through the sewer.

It’s dark and weirdly warm, the excited conversation of Terry and Boyle the only sound besides the splashes they all make with each step carrying around like an echo through the tunnel and Jake has the desperate urge to take off his vest and hurl it somewhere because man, does his chest feel tight. But then Amy discreetly takes his hand and on instinct he interlocks their fingers and looks over to her which was his mistake in the first place but seeing her content smile and the sparkle in her eyes, multiplied by the darkness of the atmosphere, brings an easy grin on his lips and suddenly the pressure in his chest decreases ten times so that he can barely feel it and Jake feels like the king of the world because Amy Santiago is in love with him and he’s moving into her apartment.

[bisexualalienss]

I'm losing hope in your handprint agenda, but then I'm wondering why make Alex so sick that he's dying and the fractals up to his neck. So there might be some truth to the handprint maybe? Then I think back to the finale title the writers chose is the same song that played when Isobel asked Michael is there really nobody in this world you wouldn't risk everything to save and Michael looks at Alex. So I keep going back and forth...

i'm literally feeling the same way. like all the set up is there especially with all the 1x02 callbacks. liz's vo mentions risking everything for love like 1x02 and the finale title is literally a callback to malex in 1x02 at the pony. hell, i'd even argue that's when foreshadowing for a malex handprint starts. i personally think it's one of the most foreshadowed things on this show and it has been a through line in every season. plus, it also fits michael's whole arc. he always has thought hes a screw up who ruins everything, even though at his core he's a fixer. michael even says in 4x12 that he "ruined everything" like he always does. what better way to resolve that than having michael learn to heal? also the hand over the heart in 4x11 seemed very intentional. plus clyde said the mist unlocked every ability and michael took it, too. like i said, the foreshadowing is there prominently if you look for it, but roswell does always have a problem with follow through. still, the show bookending with a handprint after it started with one? poetic cinema.

but, yeah, im losing hope. i'll still be happy if we get good malex stuff. it won't be the end of the world, but i think it's a huge missed opportunity to fulfill michael's character arc and malex’s arc. i'm kinda starting to think they might pod alex during the fight because in the promo michael and dallas are leaving a cave and then maybe max heals him after the fight? which would not have as much narrative weight to me. that line about max helping save the love of his brother's life could allude to this, though.

overall, i think it could go either way, but i will still clown till the very end. why else have alex be dying? it gave us some great malex angst, yes, but there needs to be payoff for that. even though a wedding is payoff for malex as a whole, i think a handprint would be the only good payoff to come from the dying alex arc.

[keyladetmer]

safe & sound

Fandom: Star Trek: Discovery

Relationship: Keyla Detmer / Joann Owosekun

Summary:

Keyla Detmer shows up at Joann Owosekun's door late at night after the away mission.

Missing scene from 4x11 "Rosetta." Canon compliant-ish. 5184 words.

Read it on AO3

Lieutenant Commander Keyla Detmer should have probably gone to sleep. Should have probably gone back to her quarters, taken a sonic shower, changed into her pyjamas, then flopped face down onto her bed and slept for the entire eight hours before her next shift. Soon, she’d be flying the ship straight into the most dangerous enemy they’d ever faced and it would probably be smart to be well-rested for that.

Her body was warm from the couple of glasses of synthehol that she had drank at the ship's bar, chatting with Ensign Adira Tal after the eventful away mission. She thought she was going to spend the night drinking alone, sitting at the bar with her thoughts of the past and a yearning for something she was sure she’d never have, but Adira had sat down with her. They had shown up clutching at their drink and smiling nervously, and then asked to join her.

She was not drunk per-se, it was tough to get truly sloshed off of the stuff from the replicators, but she was definitely not sober. Good, she thought, maybe I needed it . Time away from the storm that was brewing in her brain. She had pushed herself further than she could handle, staying up late to talk to the younger officer, and in result, her entire body was protesting. She was exhausted, but after the day she had, she didn't want to go back to her empty quarters.

In her quarters, she would be alone. She realized that she didn’t want to be alone. Not after whatever that was on the alien planet.

She missed her old room. Deck four, room two-oh-one. After she got promoted, she got assigned to a larger, spacious room with a large window and an ensuite bathroom, but no roommate. That was the problem: she missed having someone to come home to.

She used to like living alone. After everything with her dad… Keyla was better on her own. Being alone was safer. Given this, the communal bunks on her first assignment had been the worst sleep she’d ever had. There were so many people. Snoring. Talking. Laughing. It set her on edge. As an only child, she’d never had to share a room before let alone sharing a hallway with four other ensigns. She hated it, and barely slept during her first commission. Later, after she had been promoted to lieutenant and was reassigned to Shenzhou, Keyla relished the silence of sleeping alone. Which, she acknowledged, sounds a bit sad. It wasn’t like she didn’t sleep with people, but actually spending the night wasn’t something Keyla did. She was more of a slipping out once the other person fell asleep kind of person. She did have a roommate — Lieutenant Miller, a science officer — but she was on the Beta shift and they only overlapped early in the morning, brushing their teeth in their ‘fresher, a comfortable silence between them. She appreciated how they were able to coexist, but wouldn’t have called her a friend. She died early in the Battle of the Binaries. Keyla hadn’t had time to mourn her loss.

When she had first been assigned to the USS Discovery, complete with a fresh cybernetic implant and shell-shocked from the start of the Klingon War, she had assumed that the massive Crossfield-class ship would offer single rooms for their bridge crew. Keyla had set her duffel-bag down in a huff when she had arrived to find two beds in her room assignment.

She never expected that her roommate would become her entire world in such a short span of time.

Now that she finally had a room to herself, Keyla barely slept.

She missed their late night conversations after shift. She missed her soft breath, a comforting rhythm that would lull Keyla back to sleep in the middle of the night. She missed their holomovie nights, how they fought over where to stow their laundry and whether Keyla was allowed to leave her socks strewn on the floor and whether or not they should close the blinds or keep their small window open so that they could see the stars. Joann Owosekun was in favour of the stars.

It wasn’t like Keyla didn’t see Joann every day. They had duty together on the bridge, both sitting together at the front, placed perfectly for the occasional glance in each other's direction or a joke said under their breath.

It wasn’t the same.

Swaying slightly, Keyla walked past her new room, forgoing sleep for a few moments longer.

She kept moving. If she didn’t stop, she wouldn’t have to face it all. At least, that’s been her mantra for most of her life. If she kept occupied, distracted, she could avoid the pain.

She had almost said something when Saru told her about her new room assignment, but what would she even say? “Sorry Captain, I don’t want to get a better room, I actually like living with Lieutenant Commander Owosekun.” That didn’t sound like something Keyla would say. Not out loud . So instead, she nodded and pretended to be smug about her promotion at dinner with the other bridge crew.

As she walked through the dim empty corridor, it felt like she was on autopilot. The helmsman lost control over her body's flightpath, as her mind was elsewhere, down on the planet. In a truly alien nursery.

She could still feel the recycled air in her EV suit brushing against her hair, the strange quality of the light that filtered through the atmosphere, and the way Saru’s body language shifted with each minute they were down on the planet. She could still hear the screams of the landing party, feel the way her hands shook as she reprogrammed their air filters and see the immense pain in her crewmate's eyes. Most of all, her mind drifted to the nursery and the way the hydrocarbons affected her.

Lost in thought, Keyla walked, her long legs carrying her through the empty halls. Earth was on her mind, her homeworld, which was no longer hers. Now, it was in danger. For all they knew, the DMA had accelerated and all of this first contact was for nothing, but that was a type of pessimism that didn’t fly on Discovery. Earth was home, but it also wasn’t. The blue green marble looked the same, the sun on her skin felt the same, and as she sat under the large tree near Starfleet Academy, she could pretend she was in her own time. But this wasn’t her time, this wasn’t her Earth. No home. Did Keyla ever have a home?

The nursery felt like a home, but one that Keyla had never known. Growing up, Keyla knew her house was different. She only had one parent, unlike her friends who all had at least two. When she went over to her friends house, there was always a parent fussing over their child, replicating orange slices and making sure they didn’t watch too many holos. Keyla never invited anyone over, in return.

Her home felt nothing like the nursery. There was no safety. No warmth. Her dad wasn’t really there, a ghost of himself even before he died. After jumping to the future, Keyla learned that there was little difference between being dead a handful of years and being dead for centuries. Ghosts were ghosts, no matter how much time passed, and the alien planet made that clear for her. They still had power over the living.

She found herself standing nervously outside of her former roommate’s new quarters. It reminded her of a few months ago when, after a long day on the bridge, Keyla found herself outside of her old room, confused as to why the doors weren’t automatically opening for her, before realizing she was on deck three, not two.

Keyla closed her eyes, the lingering effects of the dust still seeming to buzz in her brain. Doctor Pollard had cleared her after she had returned to the ship, scanning her twice at Keyla’s insistence. No abnormalities. No lasting effects, not on her biological brain nor her cybernetic implant that formed a significant chunk of her temporal lobe. She wasn’t quite sure if that was true, if something like that wouldn’t affect her. How would they even be able to tell? They were flying blind out here, beyond the galactic barrier.

Keyla’s mind fixated on her memory of the wails of the damned, how her team succumbed to their torment, writhing and holding onto their helmets as Keyla reprogramed their EV suits. She felt it too, but those feelings had already become routine, something she pushed through every day in the pilot's chair and every evening alone in her room, staring blankly into the eternal night.

What happened in the nursery stuck with her; the feelings were swirling in her brain. Some part of her felt nostalgic for a past that she hadn’t ever experienced. She longed for some spark of recognition for those feelings, like Captain had. Longed for some memory to connect to.

“Oh, Detmer.” Captain Burnham's voice rang in her ears. The concern on her face; the pain in her own eyes. The look of something close to pity that had made Keyla turn away in shame when she realized all their eyes were on her.

She pressed the console to the right of the door, then waited. A moment passed and Keyla almost fled, as what she was doing finally caught up with her. The door beeped and she realized it was too late because the doors were already opening to reveal a slightly sleepy looking Joann Owosekun.

“Hi,” Keyla breathed, taking in the sight of Joann in a faded Starfleet Academy hoodie that Keyla was pretty Joann stole from her months ago. Her hair was let down from her customary tied-back style, the long twists framing her face. She looked surprised at Keyla’s arrival.

After one look at Keyla, Joann wrapped her in a warm hug. Keyla’s knees almost buckled in relief, leaning into the shorter woman for support. She didn’t realize how much she wanted to see her. She had even stayed at the bar in hopes that Joann would show up after her shift on the bridge.

“You better come in then,” Joann whispered, then pulled her into her room and sat her onto her bed.

At that point, Keyla realized tears were prickling at her eyes. She threw herself back onto the bed and rubbed at her face. You are not allowed to cry, she told herself, you already cried once in front of both of the captains, you’ve reached your quota. Despite this, a tear trickled out of her cybernetic eye onto the woven blanket that covered the bed. Her tear ducts still worked, despite everything. Figures.

She breathed in the familiar smell that she could never quite identify but she knew as to be Owo , and felt a bit better. She opened her eyes again as she felt the bed dip, and found her friend's arm around her shoulder, sitting her up and pushing a warm mug into her shaky hands.

“Drink up,” Joann’s soft voice commanded her, and Keyla obeyed the order, taking a sip of the fragrant tea that was almost hot enough to burn her tongue, but not quite. “It’s sleepytime tea, an old Earth recipe.”

Keyla sniffled, then leaned into Joann’s body, taking in her warmth. Joann supported her, allowing Keyla to relax.

“Long day?” Joann asked, as if she hadn’t already been briefed on the mission. By now, Keyla was sure the entire ship had heard. Some even stared at her across the bar, wondering what she had experienced on the away mission. She couldn’t blame them, if she hadn’t been there, she would’ve been desperate for any information that would provide any hope for their mission.

Keyla laughed. “You could say that.” She took another sip, enjoying the warm chamomile taste and the freshness of what she thought might be mint. “What’d we do to have the weight of the galaxy constantly be on our shoulders?”

“Fly good?”

“Oh so that’s already made its rounds?” Keyla laughed, “Poor Adira.”

“I heard it from Nilsson at dinner,” Joann explained with a smile. “Apparently Adira thinks you’re very cool. It was nice to have something to laugh about, today. Everyone was on edge while you were gone.”

“The crew isn’t good at sitting around twiddling their thumbs,” Keyla pointed out. “Not a particularly patient group.”

She managed a half smile, enjoying their comfortable conversation as they danced around why Keyla had shown up at Joann’s door with shaking hands and a distant look in her eyes.

“Hey, I can be patient!” Joann said. “It was Rhys who was bouncing off the walls. That boy had enough pent up stress he could have powered the warp core. Though, admittedly, it was hard to relax with the delegates taking up residence in the lounge.”

“You didn’t replace me with Ambassador T'Rina as your best friend?” Keyla quipped, “She seems fun.”

She bumped her shoulder with Keyla’s, teasingly, careful not to spill her tea. Best friends, Keyla said, mentally scoffing. What a way to put whatever they had together.

“No I think Saru has that covered,” Joann replied, “Wouldn’t want to step on his toes… er- hooves.”

Keyla managed a snort.

Joann then tilted her head as she said: “I heard you did more than fly today?”

Ah, there it was. Joann stopped dancing around the issue.

“Yeah,” Keyla breathed. “We found something… this dust. It was getting into our EV suits, so I had to reprogram them on the fly.”

“That’s my girl,” Joann smiled and even Keyla’s lips twitched into a slight grin at the pride in her voice.

“The Captain thinks it’s the context we need to communicate with the 10C.”

“That’s good. Is it not?”

Keyla nodded, but it was hard to feel good. Ni’Var was in danger. So was Earth. The only somewhat familiar place in this unfamiliar century might be already destroyed and they wouldn’t even know. Billions could be lost. The weight of that seemed to be pressing on her chest, making it hard to breathe. She had fought it to save the others down on the planet. She locked her fear away, relying on the months of PTSD therapy, but it was finally starting to overwhelm her now.

Put it in a box, Detmer, she scolded herself.

Her hand rose involuntarily to her head, touching her implant as the phantom pain of her injury filled her consciousness, as it was wont to do whenever she was stressed. She closed her eyes at the pain. She could feel Joann’s eyes on her but knew if she opened her own eyes, she’d crumble.

And to make matters worse, the screaming returned, but worse this time. Without the focus and adrenaline of the mission keeping her in line, the dam broke and the memories flooded in. The alien voices rose in pitch and volume. Her own screams joined the fray as the memory of crashing Discovery into the planet blended together into one cacophony overwhelming her senses.

“Detmer, come back to me.” Joann’s voice broke through, reminding Keyla that she was no longer on the planet.

“I’m okay,” Keyla managed, but she was sure that it wasn’t convincing. She had to get it together.

Five things you can see, Keyla recited in her mind, attempting to quell the rising panic before it became a full-blown episode.  One, the mug of tea in her hand. Two, the steam rising from it. Her eyes darted around, the visual information from eye and implant coming in and out of focus as she struggled to process the input. Three.. Owosekun’s quarters. The room is neat, clean, without the mess Keyla used to bring to their shared room. Some memories from home sit on the shelf, objects Joann explained to her back in the early days of the assignment, before they were navigating an unfamiliar time and the space beyond the Galactic Barrier. Four… four. What else? Space, outside. The eternal darkness that hadn’t been seen by human eyes before. Keyla forced herself to focus her eyes on the woman next to her instead. Five: Joann.

Keyla took a deep breath. “I’m here. I’m okay.”

Joann didn’t seem to believe her. Keyla doesn’t blame her. She probably looked like a mess.

Okay Detmer, you can do this, Keyla thought. Focus. Four things you can feel. The deck under her feet, the weight of a blanket being placed on her shoulders, the warmth of her tea, Joann’s hand resting lightly on Keyla’s thigh, Joann.

Three things you can hear: the thrum of the warp core deep inside the ship (a feeling that she, like many pilots, could always sense, noting changes before many an engineer), her own heartbeat thudding loudly in her chest, and Joann’s slow breath beside her.

Two things you can smell: the tea, Joann’s perfume.

One thing you can taste. Keyla took another sip of the tea. Camomile.

“Emotions. The hydrocarbons,” Keyla forced out in explanation. “They used them to communicate somehow. Dr. Culber, Captains Saru and Burnham… they all reacted strongly to the first emotion we encountered. Fear. Torment. Pain. Remnants of the mass extinction that the 10C faced.”

She finally looked over at Joann, whose wide brown eyes looked over at her with concern. Keyla leaned into her, resting her head onto Joann’s shoulders as she braced for what came next.

“I could deal with that,” Keyla whispered. “I know how to deal with that.”

For a long time, she didn’t. As the queen of putting things in boxes, Keyla knew only how to push everything down, power through it. Flying, working out, studying, drinking, anything to simply forget for a moment. She knows better now… or at least was trying to.

Fear used to be a weakness, to Keyla. You couldn’t be afraid as a pilot, not when you’re being spun in the g-force simulator, nor when racing through the Sol system as a cadet, and especially not when you’re going where no one had gone before. But she was finding the strength to admit to her fear, first to Joann, then in therapy to Dr. Culber. Eventually, she hoped to find strength in it.

“I know you do,” Joann finally spoke. “I wish you didn’t know such pain.”

For a moment, she just relaxed into Joann’s arms, before collecting herself.

“I could deal with that,” Keyla repeated. “But the nursery-”

Her voice broke.

“The feeling of safety. Full unadulterated love. I just had never felt that before, not in the way Captain Burnham spoke about. With her parents.”

Joann took the still-full mug and set it onto her side table, and pulled Keyla into her again, enveloping her in a hug that sent a rush through Keyla’s nerves.

The last time she had felt this sort of bone-crushing hug had been after the relief of discovering that Joann had survived sabotaging the nacelles to retake the ship from Osyraa. Oxygen-deprived and terrified, they had held onto each other. Keyla wanted to kiss her then, too, to celebrate the fact that Joann had saved them all but there was no time. There is never time.

She hadn’t felt it then, not really. She hadn’t had room for any emotion besides relief that combated the terror that filled her consciousness.

This feeling was new to her. Safety. Security. Love.

“It felt good. Warm. It was nothing familiar to me. Maybe I had felt it before… but I don’t remember. With my mom…”

She shook her head.

“I didn’t want to leave,” Keyla whispered.

Joann nodded. She understood.

It had taken years before she told Joann about her childhood and even then, she hadn’t gone past the basics. Dead mom. Her dad. Flying away from her home way too young. Starfleet. Joann, in turn, had spoken of the collective, of the heartbreaking moment of her friend dying, of leaving the only world she had ever known. Most of this information had been exchanged in whispers, late at night, between wars and phaser fire and mutiny and devastating loss.

When they had made the decision to leave their lives behind and follow the Red Angel into the 32nd century, they knew that they were leaving everything behind, and everyone. Both women had very little to leave behind. Not much to go back to, if they had made the decision to stay in their own time. They had their friendships and loyalty to the crew and a love for their Captain who they would follow into the future.

They followed each other into the future, too. Keyla often wondered what she would have done if Joann had stayed on the Enterprise with the rest of the crew, if it would have changed her destiny. She also wondered if it would have changed Joann’s mind, if Keyla had stayed.

Her past wasn’t something Keyla often spoke of in the light of day, especially now that it was literally over nine hundred years ago and everyone she ever knew, or cared about, thought she died in the war.

Bragging, that she could do. Jokes, even better. She was only starting to be able to talk about her recent traumas in therapy, and while she could sense that Dr. Culber wanted her to go deeper, talk more about the roots of these thoughts and feelings, Keyla had held back. Until today, when she blurted it out in front of them all. She knew she was building up to this, the sharing your feelings thing. After breaking down, publicly, at the dinner party that Saru had arranged, Keyla’s feelings had suddenly left her inner world and became a conversation topic amongst the senior staff. People were suddenly aware that she wasn’t okay, and weirdly enough, it was fine. She expected whispers and stares, but got hugs and movie nights instead. She wasn’t in it alone. Not anymore.

Keyla Detmer wasn’t alone then, or down on the planet. She wasn’t even alone when she had planned to be at the bar, when Adira had joined her. And Keyla wasn’t alone in this moment, wrapped in her best friend’s embrace.

Keyla’s face was buried in Joann’s shoulder, her friend's strong arms holding her tight as Keyla clung to her. There it was. The feeling again. The buzzing in her brain that told her she was safe, that she was loved.

“I didn’t want to leave,” Keyla whispered. The orange glow of the dead planet filled her vision as she pressed her eyes closed. “I don’t want to leave.”

“Then stay.”

The meaning had shifted slightly. Keyla realized she was asking to stay here, in Joann’s bed, and that Joann had given her permission.

Keyla opened her eyes and found herself nose to nose with her crewmate, former roommate and best friend. Blue eyes sought brown. The intensity of Joann’s gaze scared her, but she couldn’t look away.

“I feel it still,” Keyla admitted. “The warmth.”

“I’d hope so,” Joann replies. “ This is your home. Here on Discovery. Not an abandoned alien nursery.”

“Home,” Keyla repeated. It sounded strange on her tongue. The only place she had reliably called home was their shared quarters - a habit she had picked up from Joann.

That feeling returned in full force. The peace. The overwhelming warmth and affection that bloomed in her chest, spreading warmth and causing a large grin to spread across her face. She felt safe.. Secure… No!

The planet. It hadn’t left her system after all.

No… She couldn’t do this. Not now. She was compromised. It was messing with her. The emotions that swirled around in her brain, they weren’t hers, not really. She couldn’t do this to Joann, couldn’t draw her in when these feelings — this hope — wasn’t hers.

She pulled away from Joann’s embrace, shrugging the blanket off of her shoulders, rubbing her face roughly with her hands and curling into herself.

“I can’t-” she breathed. “There’s something wrong. I- I-”

“Keyla…” Joann reached out to touch her but Keyla flinched back.

“I need to go to Sickbay,” Keyla said, her voice rising in volume with her panic, “There’s something wrong.”

“Stop, Keyla!” Joann said, sitting on the edge of her bed, her voice as calm and steady as always, “You were cleared. You’re fine.”

Keyla stood up. “These feelings, they’re not mine. They can’t be mine, I don’t know how to feel this way .”

As Keyla tried to flee out the door, Joann stood up, then stepped in front of her, halting her in her path. Keyla turned and began to pace, wringing her hands as she worked herself up into a panic.

Joann brought up her Tricorder and stood her ground. She began to scan her. Keyla froze in place, stunned as the Ops officer looked at her with the same expression as she’d have as their ship encountered an unknown spatial anomaly. Joann scrutinized her with eyes that understood the very workings of the known universe and the tactical skills of one of the most talented ops officers of their time. Keyla submitted to the scan.

“Your heart rate is elevated,” Joann explained, looking at the display of Keyla’s vitals on the holographic projection, “But that’s expected.”

Keyla nodded, her gesture jerky.

“You are also slightly under the influence of synthehol,” Joann continued, calmly, gesturing to a graph that depicted possible contaminants in Keyla’s blood.

Keyla flushed and stuttered.

“There’s no trace of the hydrocarbons,” Joann concluded. “It’s not detecting alien influence on your brain, nor any abnormal readings. Now, I’m not a doctor but if I was, I’d diagnose you with stress and exhaustion.”

Joann gestured to the information in front of her, letting Keyla see for herself.

“Keyla, you are okay. You just need some sleep. And maybe some water.”

Her shaking hands tapped at the screen, bringing up the details, staring it down as if she expected it to tell her something different.

“Anyway, Zora is always tracking our lifesigns,” Joann said with a soft smile. “She’d tell us if there was something to worry about.”

Keyla almost expected Zora to say something, but the ship was silent except for the hum of the warp core and the comforting vibrations under her feet.

“Then why do I feel this way?”

“How do you feel?”

“Safe,” she said. “I felt safe with you. But it’s the same as I felt when the hydrocarbons got through the EV suit. It has to be the 10C I need to tell the Captain.”

Joann took the Tricorder back then set the device down and said: “I feel safe with you too. And I wasn’t exposed to any hydrocarbons. All of you went through a full decontamination after you returned to the ship.”

Keyla thought for a moment, finally considering the situation.

“You weren’t,” Keyla admitted.

“Now, we can go to Sickbay if you want. They can scan you again and confirm that you are, in fact, okay. Or, you could stay and get a good night’s sleep.”

Keyla took stock of herself. It wasn’t the 10C after all. It was the feeling, for real this time. As she stood, gasping as the emotions rushed through her, her brain struggled for a frame of reference, for context, but found none. She hadn’t felt that way before. Safe. Loved. Peaceful.

But she was wrong. The dust was not to blame. This was the context, this was the frame of reference: Joann Owosekun.

“Stay,” Joann said. “Please.”

Keyla nodded then surged forward, hugging her friend with all of her might. Joann’s right hand tangled in her hair as her left held the small of Keyla’s back, pressing their bodies together. A fluttering in Keyla’s stomach reminded her of her feelings for Joann. Stay, stay, stay , Joann’s words echoed in her mind.

“Can I?” Keyla whispered, fearful that the offer could be revoked at any moment.

“Always,” came Joann’s response.

Then, they pulled apart slightly, Joann was holding onto Keyla’s head and looking into her eyes, their foreheads touching. They stood there for a moment, relishing the embrace. Their lips were close, but not touching. Neither woman made the move to.

They were at a stalemate, frozen in place. Keyla knew Joann wouldn’t take this any further, wary of spooking Keyla as she was already in such a state.

Instead of closing the distance between them, Keyla pulled at the blue hoodie and asked: “is this mine?”

Joann laughed, then tilted her head.

“You left it when you moved out. Fair game.”

“I didn’t move out,” Keyla defended herself. “I was reassigned. Against my will.”

“Against your will?” Joann asked. “We were promoted!”

“Yeah and now I’m on the port side of the ship. A decidedly worse side of the ship.” Keyla whined. “I lost my roommate and my sweater, not a fair trade for a slightly bigger window and a larger bed. So much for heroically recapturing the ship - never doing that again.”

Joann laughed then pulled back. “You’re welcome here — on the better side of the ship — any time, you know that? Even when you’re not so exhausted that I wouldn’t trust you to walk back to your own room without a personal transporter’s assistance.”

Keyla nodded, too stunned for words, which was rare for the cocky pilot.

“Now, let’s get you to bed,” Joann said, guiding Keyla gently to the edge of her bed. Keyla complied, kicking her boots off and tugging at her collar absentmindedly, eyes locked on Joann. She didn’t notice that she was struggling to undo her collar until Joann sat down next to her, moved Keyla’s hands away, and unzipped her uniform for her, helping Keyla to take off her jacket and revealing her undershirt. She pulled out a pair of sleep pants out of her drawer and tossed them to Keyla before tugging off the hoodie that Keyla was starting to think looked better on Joann, anyway.

Before she knew it, she was under Joann’s heavy blankets, curled up on her side with Joann next to her. The proximity was shocking and instead of exhaustion that she should have been feeling, an electricity flowed through her nerves.

Safe. Welcome. Joann.

Joann rolled over, facing her like she had a moment before. She gently brushed some of Keyla's red hair out of her face, the touch sending shivers through Keyla's entire body.

“You okay?” Joann asked her, again.

This time, Keyla wasn’t lying when she said: “yeah I am.”

———

Keyla woke before dawn — or at least the equivalent experience on a starship which would slowly increase the lighting to simulate a sunrise — feeling at peace. She found Joann’s arm tossed casually over her own body, with her face pressed into Keyla’s back. The soft sound of her breathing lulled Keyla back to sleep.

Those feelings returned: safety, affection, warmth. She smiled and fell back asleep. She was still afraid. Terrified really, but Keyla could face whatever came next with Joann at her side.

[iconicbuck]

Is he talking to Taylor here? I don't think so. My guess is that Taylor's not even there yet. I feel like this scene is in Bobby and Athena's house. They probably have a small gathering there to celebrate the success of their call. My theory about the "great" line is, Eddie comes to Buck to where he's standing and invited him to his house to finally meet Ana for dinner or whatever. Buck of course agree and he felt like uncomfortable ( I have no proof to back up his discomfort but the way how he looks when he said "great" doesn't look or sound like he's excited or happy) then Eddie is glad Buck agrees and leave him to meet the other people in the area. That moment is when he said "great" and then the doorbell rings signaling Taylor's arrival.

Then here it is, Buck and Taylor finally talking and even said they make a great team.

But what makes Eddie decides to finally introduce Buck to Ana after more than 3 months of dating?

Again, my theory about this came from a pattern of events that happened from the previous episodes. Eddie's impulsive decisions has something to do with Buck's actions. Here's why.

Taylor Kelly was first introduced in 2x06 Dosed episode. Buck clearly show interest on Taylor after rescuing her on that chopper. It was also clear he show his interest when Taylor visited the firehouse for a documentary. Everybody was there to witness, including Eddie.

Shannon was first introduced in 2x07 Haunted episode through Carla's insistence. Carla talked sense to Eddie that Christopher needs his mother though Eddie made it pretty clear he doesn't want Shannon back in his life but because of Carla and the school, he finally gave in and invited Shan to his house. After the argument, he considered reconciling with his wife after the school visit and kissed her. Though hesitant at first, he kissed her again like kissing all his pain away.

Buck jumps back to the dating scene in 2x08 Buck Actually episode. He had sex with Taylor in a public restroom. He even went as far as talking about it to the 118 especially with Bobby. Eddie was there and he heard it. Also, during the episode, Ali's been calling Buck but was hesitant at first. Closing the episode, he finally agreed to meet Ali in a shop. That's when they started dating.

It is now known to everyone that Buck is dating Ali. This is when Eddie finally had sex with his wife in 2x10 Merry Ex-mas episode. After having sex and arguments, Eddie invited Buck instead to join him and Christopher to visit Santa. Buck loves to cry about the military surprised their family videos, Eddie realizes that he fully needs Shannon for Christopher.

Buck and Ali's relationship continues to grow (but there wasn't any build up) Buck finally found an apartment for himself so Ali can stay whenever she wants. Eddie and Shannon's relationship reconciled but it feels like they're both walking on eggshells. The only push that Eddie needs is that when Shannon though she's pregnant but was false alarm. She felt like Eddie looked at her as Chris' mom but not his wife anymore and so she wanted file a divorce and eventually died in 2x17 Careful what you wish for episode.

In 2x18, Ali left Buck. She loves him yes, but she can't handle Buck's job anymore after seeing him almost died.

Season 3 both Buck and Eddie are single. Hmm suspicious.

In Season 4 (LS's crossover episode) Buck was caught staring to Marjan by Hen and Eddie confirmed it by saying "you're staring" looking disappointed. Disappointed Eddie joins Judd, Paul and Marjan instead of his partner. He was intrigued why Buck was staring at her and decides to follows her on Insta. He talks about Buck helping him build the skateboard (It was Buck's idea anyway) and not-so defending him that he's harmless but mostly. It was bordering defending but clearing him while staring at Marjan to get a reaction from her. And later on asked her to follow back Buck in Insta. A mission accomplished for Eddie.

In 4x06, Buck announced the software update to Buck 3.0 - Kinder and Gentler version of himself. It was also his declaration of moving on from the past and starts to look for his future because he was tired of looking behind his shoulder. Eddie processed all the new information and even said that Buck should allow to give himself some time to process. An advice that he's been doing to himself, allowing some time to mourn more. STUCK. Eddie met Ana again. He talked about it to Buck but nothing came out of their conversation. He almost forgot about it when Buck's bratty attitude cornered him in front of his team mates about Ana's love languages (Like as if Eddie knows, right?) Hen, Chim and Bobby interrogates him about her. It was then implied that Eddie has no plans of dating Ana but it was Bobby that pushed him to go back out there to find something real. So Eddie dates Ana in an episode called JINX.

After learning Eddie's date (an implied scenario) Buck let himself back to the market as well in 4x07 and dated Veronica. It ended up in a disaster. He talks about it to Eddie even if the date didn't end well. Information is key.

After learning of Buck's back to dating again, Eddie dates Ana again, in her house. A Math date which he set an alarm for. Eddie did even say she's a terrible Math teacher but a great cook and an amazing woman. Just like a female version of someone. Buck is terrible at Math, can cook and obviously an amazing guy. Buck asked Eddie how was the date and he answered without looking his eye that she taught her MATH. It was an intentional slap to Buck's lack of Math knowledge. Why mention Math? I will never understand. Also, Taylor Kelly is back again. Covering at the same time the 118 attending the call. Buck was with Taylor most of the 6-hour waiting call while the 118 we're almost together. An implication that everyone knows including Eddie that Buck is with Taylor talking to her the whole damn time. So that night an impulse decision was made, he tells Chris that he's seeing someone. Christopher didn't take the news right and went straight to Buck's. Since they didn't show the scene where Eddie picks Chris to Buck's house where most probably he learned that Buck just came from a double date with Taylor and Albert with Veronica, and after learning Taylor called Buck to ask for a miracle, another impulse decision Eddie has made, he let Ana introduce her to his son too soon..

While Buck and Taylor continues to be friends, Eddie and Ana's relationship continues after 3 months of dating as seen by the time jump in 4x10 Parenthood episode.

As you can see, everything that Buck does first, it affects Eddie... In a very SUBTLE WAY. Another perfect example was the lawsuit. Buck's lawyer told Buck to stop communicating to the 118 (including Eddie) until the arbitration. The none contact triggered Eddie's past from Shannon. It was an implication that he put Buck in Shannon's position. The none contact has seen Eddie in an instant downward spiral. His impulsive decisions and constipated emotions led him to jail and almost kill someone in an underground fight club. This is the same person who will do everything for his SON, fyi.

So what I'm trying to say again here is, after the episodes 4x11 and 4x12 where most probably a Buck/Taylor centric episodes, Eddie's gonna make an impulse decision again and invite Buck to finally meet Ana to his house. And Buck, most probably bring Taylor with him. We'll see about that.

[gallavictorious]

Your tags on my thumb caress retrospective breaking my heart with their truth and their beauty 💔💔💔 you're so right.

Aaaaaah, I'm delighted that you'd find wisdom in my random ramblings. XD This is one of relatively few things I do have a firm headcanon about!

For context, Ryt is referencing my tags on this glorious gif set, written in response to her own gorgerous musings on the very same post:

when did he start touching ian with soft hands? when was the first thumb caress? was it the sleepover? finally alone with no fear of being interrupted and no way to deny what he's feeling after he went and gave in to kissing him did he reach across the sofa while steven seagal was dropping some henchman to the ground and rest his hand on ian's shoulder thumb moving back and forth across the ball of his shoulder joint until ian looks at him move up to touch the back of his neck his jaw like he's never really allowed himself to do before softly and with intent or was it at his wedding? kissing and stripping so fast and so frantically but still having to pause for a moment just to get his hands on ian's face to touch his thumbs to ian's cheeks to look him in the eyes and try to convey to him everything this means to him and why he has to get married and that he loves ian more than he loves himself or was it after he finds ian and drags him home from the club sitting in his marital bedroom staring at the love of his life passed out on his bed regretting every time he ever touched him in anger or fear resolving that from now on any moment he gets to touch ian he will do it with softness that ian will know with every contact that he is precious to mickey that mickey wants to keep him to keep him safe to love him with his heart and his eyes and his hands his hands are so gentle with ian always and i just wonder where it starts

Now, I know for a fact that I've tag ranted about this before, but consistent tagging is sadly and brutally obviously Not My Thing, so I can't find the damned post. But yeah, I firmly believe that the first time Mickey touched Ian with, as you so beautifully put it, ”soft hands” – and did it knowing fully well what he was doing and without pretending he didn't – was on the morning after coming out at the Alibi. Just... him reaching out like that to stroke Ian's hair, like reaching for something he's only now starting to think he might be allowed to have; exploring not just the feeling of Ian's hair under his palm but the feeling of being someone who could touch like that, who could admit to wanting it. Even if it's just admitting it to himself at that point – Ian's still asleep, and I think that's necessary for Mickey to dare that first, tentative touch. This is still new to him, and though he's committed to Ian and his feelings for Ian – has been, since he went to find Ian at that club – there's a lot of baggage and unlearning yet to do.

Just seems a natural evolution to me, you know? First, there is the brief brush of fingers as they trade cigarettes back and forth (kisses by proxy, I've seen it described as, that passing of smokes and putting your lips where the other's have just been). Sometimes, Ian will place his hand over Mickey's as they fuck and Mickey will let him because he can pretend it's just part of fucking, just sex and bodies and lust. For a while that's all there is but then Ian's had enough of the feigned distances and he pushes; pushes and Mickey folds as he almost always eventually does when it's Ian who does the pushing (though folds with one finger raised, because this is still Mickey and maybe he's been dying to kiss Ian for a while now but that doesn't make him a bitch and fuck Ian for implying he's a coward). And having taken that step – made that admission, unspoken as it is – he dares the next, inviting Ian over to his place and we know they had their second and third and twentieth kiss that night. (The first date vibes of that sleepover are insane and I love it so much; they've been fucking for years but those little glances, like they're nervous and giddy and expectant and wondering ooooh are we gonna kiss? It drives me crazy, in the best way.)

And then it's all over, for a bit. There's that desperate kiss on the cusp of Mickey's wedding – and the way they fall into that, the way they surge for one another, is what has me convinced that there was so much kissing during the ill-fated date of 3x06; they discovered the joy of it then and it immediately became an intrinsic part of what they were with each other – and then Mickey is a husband (but not Ian's husband) and Ian is leaving and for a while there's only memories, both feared and revered.

When Ian comes back – when Mickey brings him back – they fall back into each other so easily, the way the always have and always will, but there's still tension and uncertainty. Mickey knows what he wants but not how to have it; Ian wants Mickey but not on those terms. The power balance is shifting and neither of them really knows what they're doing or where they're going and as much fun as they have and as happy as they are to be back together and as much as they sneak sex and kisses whenever they think they can pretend no one notices, I think they're both... hovering a bit. Waiting, for things to clear between them and the nature of their relationship to settle; neither quite willing to directly address the mounting strain for fear it'll tear them apart again. Not the right mood or time for soft touches, I think; neither of them are sure enough of what they are to each other do that. (I am insanely fascinated by their dynamic in 4x08 through 4x11. God, the complexity of it... I drink it like fine wine.)

But then, Ian pushes once more and Mickey makes his choice and there's the truth of it now, their feelings and committment and relationship. And not just to the world, but to them too. After that – after having riske his life and bled for it and removed himself from any opportunity of ever taking it back to hide once more – I feel that Mickey would finally let himself have this. What's the point now in pretending he doesn't want it? And he's earned it, goddammit, so fuck everything; thisis what he came out for: not just sex with Ian, but lovingIan.

Mickey wants it all, now, and starting here, he'll have it.

[gallavichfanficlibrary]

Anything that is cannon but follows along with series with “bonus” scenes, especially during season 4 or anything from Mickey’s point of view that is cannon? I have seen some of your other Mickey recs and enjoyed them, but they where mostly post season 10 or just through season 2/3.

Canon compliant are always so interesting, because 1). I always want more and 2.) I love to see fans insert scenes so well in between canon moments when every official attempt of this in media is so lackluster lol (This remark is aimed at all fandoms).

hear it in the silence Ian helps Mickey clean up, and baths aren't just for rich kids.

After-party Escapades Mickey's just about had it with queen fawning over his not-boyfriend. Then, Ian and Mickey get invited to a party hosted by one of Ian's regulars. Ian isn't too keen on sharing either.

The Lights Mickey POV, 4x08 with some “Bonus” Scenes.

my mind, my wing Post 4X12, but literally right after the episode.

with my heart split on the living room floor Additional scene set in season 4 of Mickey being jealous that Ian’s not all to himself in addition to dealing with these feelings.

Already Together The night of the loft party, Ian and Mickey lay across the pull-out couch, talking alone for hours. Mickey had already kissed Ian in public that day, and as they talked, he wondered if being "together" with Ian would really be so bad.

In My Clothes Domestic fluff fic filling the gap between 4x10 and 4x11.

[captain-emmajones]

love languages

Here is my contribution for CSJJ. Big thanks to @csjanuaryjoy​ for organizing this, to the CSJJ discourse server and its wonderful ladies, to @carpedzem​ for cheering me on always and to @profdanglaisstuff​ for beta'ing this <3

Post 4x11. During the six weeks of peace. It all starts with Mary Margaret reading a stupid article about love languages at breakfast, and before she knows it, Emma finds herself asking Hook his as they are stargazing by the docks.

Canon Compliant -- Fluff -- Banter -- Missing Scene -- Ao3 -- 1,5k words.

A veil of mist hangs low in this January night sky; it dances around a crescent moon wreathed in a halo of silver light. The moon is peering at the scene, down below, by Storybrooke’s harbour.

And what a scene, my dear...

Two figures dressed in warm clothes are sitting on a bench, wrapped up in one of those large checkered blankets that they share; the taller one seems resolute on examining the stars in the night sky, brows furrowed in a focused expression and fingers clenched around a spyglass.

That is quite unfortunate, thinks the moon, for the clouds are impish that night and stubbornly hide their secrets. His companion sits cross-legged at his side, one hand cupping her chin, eyes set on the man’s silhouette and the moon wonders what could possibly be so interesting on this man’s face for the woman not to look up at her.

There is a shift then, in the woman’s composure, and the moon sees one gentle hand grab the man’s arm as a cloud of white smoke escapes her lips.

The moon winces; she knows the silence is about to be shattered.

“Hey, what’s your love language?”

This stupid question has been on the tip of Emma’s tongue all day, tingling and burning, and Mary Margaret and the article she read aloud at breakfast are entirely to blame for it.

Emma is lucky that the rum they drank at dinner with her parents is still coloring their cheeks red, and that a flame seems to be licking up her throat, because it is a delicious burn and saves her the embarrassment.

“Sorry. Say that again, Swan?”

He does not turn around. As something mischievous stands up in Emma’s chest and pouts, Emma wants to groan that there will be no stars to be seen tonight. How dare he not pay attention to her when she let herself be lured by his talks of “star-gazing”?

Instead, she admires the hint of red coloring the apple of his cheeks and the wisps of breath he exhales calmly through his nose.

“I mean, what makes you feel loved?” she asks again, and she tries to sound more annoyed than she actually is.

Which is, actually, not at all, but he most absolutely does not need to know that.  

The expected result occurs as he swiftly shifts to gaze at her, his blue eyes flashing in the dimness, and that sinful tongue licks a pattern across his lips.

“Swan, are you drunk?” he teases, smirking a bit, but with a lot of tenderness.

She chuckles as he clicks his telescope shut without breaking their gaze.

Her legs do feel heavy as lead, and her head deceptively light as a cloud, but that she won’t tell him, not on any account.

“Am not.” And if Emma’s head lolls to his side, terribly tempted by his welcoming shoulders, it must be because of gravity or something.

But she does not cave in, and she raises her eyes to see his entire face crinkling up in a delightful, devilish way and Emma wishes she could kiss each little spot of skin the moon dabbles light on.

“Yes, you are. Should have watched you and Mary Margaret’s cocktails.”

While Emma does think there is something to be said about her mother’s cocktails, she still rolls her eyes and frowns, even as stubborn laughter keeps bubbling up inside her throat and is making it difficult to keep a straight face. “Just answer the question!” And her fist gently bumps against his shoulder for good measure.

He dramatically sighs next to her, one eyebrow quirking up in that peculiar way that makes her toes curl, and she hates him for it but she also wishes that he may never stop.

“...What was the question again?”

She exhales a groan of discontent. “Killian!”

“Emma?”

Another groan. He will be the death of hers. “Your love language! What is it?”

“My love language, you ask? Well, mmmh, let me think.” And as he pretends to ponder, tapping his fingers against his red, red lips, tap, tap, tap, Emma finds herself leaning towards him, against her will, magnetized.

But she catches herself and proceeds to frown harder, hand closing around the cold wooden bench instead of the lapel of his coat. They are trying to have a conversation, for fuck’s sake.

He clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth, and Emma blinks because she cannot stop looking at his mouth.

“Ah. But Swan, we have a problem.”

“Do we?”

His lips, over hers, now. Forever, preferably. The delicate shadow dropped by his eyelashes onto his cheekbones is infuriating.

“Yes. As a matter of fact, although I am familiar with many languages, I’ve never heard of that love language theory of yours.”

It’s a miracle she hears anything he’s saying.

“It’s not my theory,” she mumbles right back, and she can tell by the lovely, lovely sparkles in his blue eyes that it is exactly the reaction he wanted out of her.

“Care to explain it either way?”

She thinks she shakes her head then. He is annoying. This is far more than she ever signed up for. She just wanted to tease him, and now she is the one being teased. Truly a terrible turn of events. That doesn’t mean she can control the smile that tickles her lips.

“Well,” she clears her throat, straightens her back, tries to appear very serious, “there are five traditional love languages.”

“Yes,” he encourages her, smiling widely, “I’m all ears, Swan.”

Her cheeks hurt from all of the smiling. It’s okay. He and his stupid big blue eyes are worth it.

“Well, first, there are words of affirmation, like a loved one telling you they are proud of you or that they lo--...you know what I’m saying.”

I’m a fan of every part of you, Swan.

And the thing is, she hears herself utter the words, and she does think that she does not sound like herself at all -- talking about love languages with Captain Hook -- but also Killian and she have been dating for the last couple of months now and this isn’t like anything she’s ever done before and maybe it isn’t so bad.

“Interesting. Do go on.”

In fact, it cannot even be remotely bad when he keeps staring at her like this, as if she is really precious and important and he cares or something.

“Then there’s quality time, like feeling loved when you’ve spent a precious and unique moment with a loved one.”

Right now, we have a quiet moment.

“Mmm, I see.”

“And then there are acts of service, and that goes without explanation.”

I knew Bae as a boy. Perhaps I could talk to the boy. It would help him come to terms with his father’s passing. And me.

“Fair enough.”

“Then there are gifts, of course --”

“Like the rose I offered you on our first date?”

“-- like the rose you offered me on our first date --,” she repeats. Before a bucket of cold water is spilled on top of her head as she realizes what he’s just said and what she’s just agreed with.

It’s a good thing the street light above their head is doing a poor flickering job because by the time Emma has pondered her own words and has reflected on how naturally Killian said that last line, well, she’s flushed a bright red.

He doesn’t mean that he, that they, that she...does he?

An alarm rings inside Emma’s head. Beware! Slippery slope of feelings ahead!

And instead of thinking one second more about this, Emma heaves a quiet breath, blinks, and exhales sharply: “-- yeah and the like.” As she looks up, she notices Killian’s smug grin.  

And something very soft, in his eyes, something very soft and terrifying.

“What’s the last one?” he asks in a husky whisper as swirls of white vapor escape his mouth to kiss Emma’s lips.

She gulps. Exhales. “Physical touch.”

By the time she says the words, he is hovering dangerously close to her, and his hand is slipping into her hair, curling around the base of her neck, and the tingles it diffuses all over her skin are simply illegal.

“Like that?” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

She nods, lips tight, unable to breathe. What is he doing to her?

“Like that, yeah.” And if her voice is hoarse, the ocean breeze isn’t the only one to blame.

His fingers slowly abandon her hair to find her lips, and he presses them, gently, above her open mouth and Emma’s hands have found his arms without her consent.

And just as he dives towards her, heart pounding, courage roars inside of her and she dares ask once again: “So?”

It makes him stop, gaze seriously at her, eyes open wide. She swallows again.

“So, what?” he answers, and he almost sounds angry.

The lust she sees dancing in his eyes tightens each of her muscles.

“What’s your love language?” she repeats, bites her lower lip.

She isn’t flinching. She started this. She wants to win.

He smiles, fingers caressing down her neck to find her collarbone, and although she shudders she feels victory stretch her lips.

“I’m a pirate, love. I don’t choose between treasures. I take them all.”

As if to seal his words, his mouth hungrily finds hers, and he drinks her breath, and Emma lets herself be defeated in her heart only, but surely not aloud.

[ginjointsintheworld]

I’m on the same page as you about Floyd and Leyla leading to something. He really wanted her to come and work for him and I just don’t think all that set up is going to go to waste. I think the pacing could be better but it’s a full season so I’m trusting that it will take a while with them and any movement will be slow. Even if Leyla does start working with Floyd, any resolution on the Leyren front will probably be near or during the season finale. I understand others frustrations because it’s painful to watch it week by week trying to guess what will happen and seeing them hardly interact.

me 🤝 anon

braincell

i literally feel like i'm willingly walking myself into a trap every time i answer asks by saying be patient and wait and see how the season unfolds lol. but truthfully, i'm feeling pretty content so far??? like you said, any positive progress with lauren and leyla is going to be slow and the writers themselves have confirmed that it will be a process. given the 12 episodes to work with in 4b, taking two to put space and tension between them and bringing leyla back for the third and continuing to build on that in the 4th episode is decent. even if pacing can be better, definitely won't argue there. though i do think it's more me wishing they'd further expand on the scenes we got in 4x11-13.

but like you said, it's the weekly wait that's the killer. it's a lot of downtime to theorize based on incomplete cast lists, episode descriptions, promo pics, trailers, etc. it's why i'm trying not to speculate too much between episodes (emphasis on trying) and just embrace the episodes as they come 😭

[hmgfanfic]

Talk about all the Fillory worldbuilding in LQoF, please :)

THIS IS INEXCUSABLY LATE. I’m so sorry!

And I wish I could say it was just my scatterbrainedness, which is definitely a constant factor, but it was also that when you sent this, I was deeeeeeeep into writing the final few chapters of Little Quirks of Fate and I was kind of... in my head about it. It took a lot longer to finish than I had planned (a cardinal sin to my particular combo of severe ADHD and Type-A personality) and I was spending excessive amounts of time making sure I figured out a satisfying ending by my own exacting standards, so I just didn’t have the headspace to think through my early process yet. Very sorry about that :( But now that I’m finally done, I’m excited to look back! So if you’ll indulge me a very late answer, I’d be tickled. 💗

Long ramblings and major fic spoilers under the cut.

The truth is a lot the world building came down to character stuff foremost, followed closely by my preferences as a writer. I adapted the world to the story I wanted to tell, while using the little bits of information we’re given in canon as a baseline, rather than building the story around the world. And that was a lot more fulfilling for me, since I only really love worldbuilding through the lens of character, rather than as an exercise unto itself (though it’s super fun once you get rolling.)

To explain what I mean by that, you need to know that Little Quirks of Fate was originally going to be a oneshot. My plan was about 25-30k (lol) of a pure S2 retelling, only with Quentin in the role of Fen. It was also going to take a much more traditional enemies-to-lovers’ path—with Quentin as an active member of the FU Fighters—and the whole thing was going to be in his POV. Also, they weren’t even going to kiss until after the bank heist (which, yes, was going to be a thing here), but that got abandoned the fastest in favor of trying my hand at smut. But two things made me realize I needed to significantly shift course:

1) I was struggling to make Quentin actually feel like Quentin. I wrote this very atmospheric early scene at the FU Fighters encampment, with lots of description of the bonfires and the way their shirts dyed in Fillorian red looked like blood (you get it.) It took place in the black of night, shrouded in secrecy, and when Bayler questioned Quentin about his new husband, Quentin said something like, “He’s a drunk idiot, we have the advantage.” It was all very lush and dramatic, but it really, really, really didn’t feel like Q in any recognizable way to me. Now, I’m not someone who thinks Q needs to be a precious sweetheart all the time, but what I was writing didn’t have his idiosyncrasies or a motivation that felt true to who I feel he is.

2) The draft was DEFINITELY missing Eliot’s story and his perspective. I certainly don’t think Eliot’s POV is always necessary (sometimes not having his direct thoughts heightens tension in romance especially), but it felt really necessary here, to fill in the gaps of what Quentin was assuming and also—more importantly—because the events were just as impactful on him, but in a very different way. So I knew I was missing half the narrative, but that meant I would need to deal more explicitly with the Beast (i.e., Mike, the most devastating storyline to me, personally) and I really, really didn’t want to do that.

My first step in making a more recognizable Quentin was figuring out a way he could more or less use the same syntax that he does on the show. Voice is the first way I connect with a character, so while many writers in this fandom thrive at modifying speech patterns and keeping the heart of a character alive, keeping close to Quentin’s canon speech was an easy fix for me in a story I was excited to get rolling. Sort of like the old adage of uplifting your strengths before putting outsize energy into things you struggle with.

The easiest way I could think to give him the same syntax was to figure out a way Quentin spent some significant time on Earth during his formative years. And once I rewatched 2x06 and was reminded that Ess went to Phillips Exeter Academy for high school, I lost my damn mind. I started sketching out ways that Quentin could get there too and that’s how I built out the idea of Umber brokering a marriage deal with the actual landmass of Coldwater Cove, which included an education opportunity for the boys (in a nod to Fillory’s patriarchal nature), and also the reason why Umber did that, which was to take advantage of his brother’s orgy mistake with the first Children of Earth to usher in a more productive and orderly Fillory. So that created a whole new set of rules and essentially a whole new world for me to play with... all for the sake of Quentin getting to say “fuck.” It was that important to me. :p

And as I worked through all that, I realized I also wanted to give Q magic, since Quentin’s relationship with magic is something I’m interested in. But I had read on ye olde Tumblr that the reason Illario uses a wand in 2x06 is a nod to the books, where Fillorians specifically aren’t Magicians and that’s the rationale for the Children of Earth royalty. And while I generally see the books as interesting supplemental material with zero bearing on the television show canon, I still said to myself, “Self, wouldn’t it be kind of funny if Quentin was the only native born Fillorian who had magic and so the FU Fighters believe he’s the chosen true High King, but instead of it being because he’s ~special~, it’s because Umber made a clerical error? Lol! Hilarious!”

So while all my questions for how to explain all THAT spun out into more and more detail, at the same time...

I caved to the idea that this story was going to be a No Beast AU, just like my last two stories, mostly because I really couldn’t bring myself to deal with the Mike of it all, even tangentially. I could have just changed that single element, but I’m not a half-measure gal! But I still wanted to stick with the vague background theme of Fillory = adulthood from a questing perspective and I wanted Julia leading the charge this time, but without the sexual assault that occurs in canon. So obviously, the answer was avenging all of the murdered and cannibalized “grown-ups,” i.e., master Magicians, by seeking out help from the gods in a balanced Fillory free from the devastation of the Beast. Duh! ;)

So then, like anyone would do, I rewatched every episode up to 4x11 that makes a mention of Fillory and took about twenty pages of notes on the canon worldbuilding, along with an analysis of how much a particular piece of information would be impacted or not by balance in the realm. For instance, the existence of geraniums (per The Fillorian Candidate and Tick’s misunderstanding of “power plants”) and the lack of diamonds as a precious stone (per the River Watcher not knowing the value of Margo’s earrings in Knight of Crowns) struck me as static facts unaffected by Ember’s reign of chaos. But I shifted the overall feel of Fillory to one that’s more functional and a lot more bureaucratic, leaning on things like the existence of socialized health/vision/dental insurance (the idea of which is canonical, per a petition from the beavers requesting dental coverage from acting High King Josh in Ramifications), strict taxation plans, and an overall sense of thriving Ceremony to show Umber’s influence.

Basically, I wanted Eliot to inherit a much, much easier Fillory to rule—especially with the highly educated Quentin as a built-in and passionate advisor—mostly so it wouldn’t completely strain credulity when a lot of his energy goes toward his love life rather than the intricacies of ruling (though Margo would say he still favored his personal life more than he should have, and she wasn’t... wrong. He wants to be a husband more than a king!) But I specifically made it so most of the chaotic elements were played as whimsical (sorry) quirky shit or smaller hints of greater injustice (see: Ember getting rid of STDs, but still letting magic-poor citizens die of sepsis because that’s too boring to deal with), all while a cataclysmic danger lurked under the surface.

After that, I just filled in details as they worked with character stuff and plot stuff, and I tried to make sure they didn’t contradict each other in a way that couldn’t be chalked up to “chaos.” I basically lived with the Fillory map open all the time and also took screenshots of Benedict’s map of Loria, which gave me alternate ideas for the overall feel of the landmass rather than just the kingdom. And pretty much that’s the basic process I used to create the world! It was extremely fun, and I learned a lot, though I’m *definitely* focusing on some pure relationship kind of stuff for a while because... oof, sometimes it was a lot.

Annnnnnnd if you’re still with me, here’s some stray observations, for funsies:

I wanted Quentin and Eliot’s starting points to be more mature than in the show. Quentin when we’re introduced to him as an adult in LQoF is a lot more jaded and cautious than S1 Q, which is because in this world, his S1 mentality happened while he was on Earth and came to a head during the throes of his fucked up relationship with Bayler. Similarly, Eliot had already gone through a lot of shit too, and was much more self-actualized by the time he agreed to be High King here than in the show. It was still out of desperation for purpose, but not coming out of a direct trauma spiral. I think if they had been younger, both in age and mentality, the story wouldn’t have worked because they would’ve blown it up day two. They’re both still disasters, as we like to say, which is why the... everything happens, but they’re not disasters in the exact same way as in early canon. I thought of them as closer to their S3 selves, pre-Mosaic.

While I mostly kept Quentin’s syntax the same as on the show, I did change it up in some ways to reflect his Fillorian upbringing. The most obvious was replacing “goddamn” with “godsdamned” and “Jesus” with “Hades,” but I also made him slow on the Earth idiomatic uptake and slightly more likely to use passive voice and less likely to use contractions, especially early on and especially when speaking with Fen. He also said slightly out of date things even for someone who last remembered 1999, since Earth was still overwhelming despite his immersion. E.g.: In the epilogue, he asks Eliot if he can spend some time “Googling the World Wide Web” instead of watching Gossip Girl together, even though by 1999 most people were saying “on-line” or “the internet” by a pretty wide margin. But in my mind, the first term he learned was World Wide Web and he stuck to it like glue.

I originally had a full-blown coronation scene, where Quentin helped Eliot with the answers to the 90s questions via subtle charades, such as flapping his hands at his sides to give him the answer “Wings” (and Eliot was eventually going to Eliot-Logically use that moment to argue to Quentin that maybe Q really is the true High King since he was the one who actually answered the Knight’s questions, etc.), but I cut it and only showed bits and pieces in flashbacks because it didn’t really matter. They had to treat it seriously because it was An Event in this version of balanced/un-Beasted Fillory, with a full audience bearing witness, but the whole thrust of the external plot was about dismantling that moment and the concept of monarchy in general, so giving it too much weight outside of the Eliot and Julia friendship felt disingenuous to the story I was telling.

This is also why it was important to me that Margo hated the title High King Eliot the Kind, even though I only brought it up textually once or twice. But in my view, she fucking hated it and never came around to it. Which isn’t because she doesn’t think Eliot is kind, it’s that it felt like a simplification of all that he is, and the coronation ceremony in general felt similarly shallow. It wasn’t just the four of them working out their shit on the beach; it was true ceremony after a year of questing toil and a lot lingering uncertainty/resentments (especially regarding Julia), so it was too Big Shiny Happy Bow to her.

Yet on the same theme, my greatest regret was not being able to work in the fact that Margo’s title for Penny (King Penny the Persistent) was supposed to be half-sincere and half-sex joke. She did genuinely admire that he stuck it out even through his initial heartbreak because he gives a shit about his people underneath it all, but—and this is a very important headcanon to me—she admired his dedication to the art of the female orgasm even more.

I was originally also going to include the One Day More sequence with way more details—such as Umber taking the Javert lines, Ember taking the Thenardier lines, Bayler taking the Enjolras lines, and Penny taking the Marius lines, but... uh... writing a musical number is apparently not in my skill set. Also, honestly, the weirdness of the original is its whole charm and so I didn’t want to improve upon perfection. See also, in a more serious way: Eliot bowing to High King Margo on the Muntjac, the events of Plan B, and Quentin & Penny in the Flying Forest. Would not touch it!

My favorite Fillorian detail was either the guy who sent a citizen petition requesting a “smidgen” of Eliot’s earwax for an undisclosed purpose, or the use of the verb “to peg” to describe a Pegasus flock greeting an outsider with honor. They encapsulate the obscene yet pristine feel I always tried to give Fillory.

My favorite subtle(-ish?) ironic moment is Ess, the heir to a hereditary monarchy, taking Quentin to task for not honoring the anarchy patch on his high school backpack. In general, I don’t like everything being neatly resolved, including on an overarching world level. And I very strongly felt they had ZERO business meddling in Loria, so it left some fun-to-me unanswered questions. Will Ess usher in democracy for Loria based on his experiences on Earth? Maybe! Maybe not, since tradition’s a hell of a drug and Loria has its own history and complexities. Who knows?

I misread the town name Sutton as Sultan on the map the first time I referenced Bayler’s hometown (Sultan’s Ridge), but instead of going back to fix it, I just made it a sister town. Whatever!

I do not know how Quentin got a full bookshelf of Earth literature back to Fillory with him. Magic, I guess. (That’s the answer to anything I didn’t totally think through.)

I occasionally get asked whether Quentin and Fen were physically related. The answer is no, though it doesn’t totally matter. But I intended heart-cousins to be more like close family friends. (Though I actually originally had a joke where Eliot still wasn’t sure by the epilogue, but it didn’t land/feel realistic so I cut it.)

The details of the magic frequency poisoning were DEFINITELY what I thought through the least. My main goal was to have something catastrophic happen to Fillory based in part from the historical actions of the Children of Earth and Ember, patently ridiculously but with lasting consequences. Hence, god orgy that took away Fillorian human magic and sent out a slow poisoning of the overall magic “frequency.” It sounds all well and good, but it’s definitely something that would fall apart with even the lightest bit of prodding. It serves it’s purpose though, so I figured the gaps could be filled in or politely ignored. ;)

This question was way too much fun and a helpful retrospective for me! Thank you so much for indulging me, many moons ago. 💗

[myfandomrambles]

Adora, Catra & Trauma (Pt2)

(Part 1) (Part 3) (Part 4)

Full Show

An Analysis of the way Catra & Adora are affected by their respective traumatic experiences.

Relationships With Others:

Adora:

Adora works to be of use to other people and to be liked. She wants to impress people and to be “good enough”. Her sense of self and self-worth is completely tied up in how others view her; this is based on the identity destabilization and unhealthy schemas from disorganized attachment style. Disorganized attachment is born from Shadow Weaver, her mother figure and primary attachment, was psychologically abusive and formed a person who was not always safe to return to. Adora while didn’t form a complete distrust or others in a fight way but truly flees or fawns to the person she wants to attach to. Her attunement is strong for the most part but it is easily broken. 

Princess Alliance

Adora doesn’t have distinct relationships to most of the princess alliance. She regards them with loyalty and affection but doesn’t seem to have attachments past the need to be the ideal of She Ra. Adora’s interactions with most of the other princesses are filtered through her identity issues. 

Adora's interaction with Entrapta stands out the most because they have more one on one interactions and spend time on the same and on opposing sides. There are periods of stronger emotion like guilt, then a mostly apathetic confrontation to being able to work together. 

Light Hope & Queen Angella

Light hope and Angella both fill the void left by Shadow Weaver who is her commander and mother respectively. 

Light Hope starts being a person Adora searches out to give her some sort of answer and then continues to look to her for orders. Adora falls into a state of objectification due Light Hope treating Adora as mostly a weapon to act out her programming. Adora is generally willing to follow her and even starts to be casual with her, seen in Protocol (4x05). Adora wants to do well and be better than what she understands Mara to be starting in Light Hope (1x12). Adora goes to her for answers most notably when in The Coronation (4x01) Shadow Weaver reveals Adora is a First One. 

Adora feels betrayed when in Hero (4x09) she learns that being She Ra in the way Light Hope pushed her was harmful. Not only does this sever her relationship it also causes more identity issues and is a re-traumatization of betrayal trauma.

They have a confrontation in Destiny pt 2 (4x13) were Adora stands up and tries to assert her identity, and the part of Light Hope that did care for her shine through and tell Adora to shatter the sword. All of these experiences leave Adora feeling more objectified, guilty and with another betrayal wound. 

Angella stands in for the mother part of Shadow Weaver and is a healthier version. Angella starts off holding Adora not becoming emotionally close or trusting. Adora doesn’t try to get emotionally close but does search for trust. We see this in Adora’s open willingness to lose everything to rescue Glimmer (No Princess Left Behind 1x09)

They don’t interact much but during season 3 Adora offers respect and Angella tends to return it. In The Price of Power (3x01) we see Angella protect Adora. Understanding the pain and trauma Adora went through enough to try and stop Shadow Weaver from getting to talk to Adora. 

During The Portal (3x06) Angella tells Adora how brave she has been and gives her life up to protect everyone and in Adora's place saving her life. Angella gives the parting comfort of holding Adora's face a similar action to one Shadow Weaver uses but there is compassion behind it. She also gives the parting advice of “take care of each other” one Adora fully misunderstands. The reason they never fully attached was partially Angella’s preoccupation with her own daughter and also Adora’s internalized need to be a hero and objectification. They never gain a healthy motherly nor mentor ability to attune. These are why Adora reads her “take care of each other” wording to be Adora must take care of Glimmer. 

Bow

Bow and Adora generally have stable relationships, never having a moment of severe rupture in their relationships. Bow generally is friendly and supportive to Adora and most people in both their group dynamics and one-on-one bonds. In the final few episodes of season 4 and beginning of season 5, we see that Bow and Adora get along well acting as a duo. One of the main ways this dynamic show is how Bow cared for Adora when she was failing to take care of herself in Horde Prime (5x01) and Launch (5x02). Bow doesn’t always understand but cares greatly and is the primary partner when it comes to dealing with First One's technology.

They have different ways of handling situations and people like in season 4 when Adora’s is focused solely in solving her own destiny and stopping the heart whereas Bow is searching for Entrapta because he doesn’t believe in leaving “friends” behind. Seen in Beast Island (4x11) when Bow attempted to get Entrapta with a sappy speech and Adora is pragmatic. Adora also comments of Bow’s social intelligence is different from hers in Stranded (5x4)

Overall, Bow while not always understanding is generally supportive and able to give Adora strength via his pep talks. 

Glimmer

Adora and Glimmer’s relationship is generally strong and displays healthy dynamics in season 1-3 and again in season 5. During season 4 they experience an episode of relational rupture. The main issues underlying this rupture are the loss of queen Angella’s and the disparate ways they believe they ought to be leading. 

Adora was told to “take care of each other” by Angella in The Portal (3x06) but interpreted this as “take care of you [Glimmer]” (The Coronation, 4x01). Adora takes this seriously having spent her whole life as a protector and leader. Being a protector is a core belief of Adora's along with being compelled to honor a woman she respected. Glimmer is deeply affected by the loss of her mother and pushed herself to properly fill her shoes as queen and be a proper general. They are both absorbed in their respective grief. 

The other layer shows up in what they do when it comes to the war against the Horde. Adora is working to be the concept of She-Ra this can sometimes lead to blind spots on what others are doing. Glimmer on the other hand often misunderstands Adora’s need to be She Ra and sometimes forgets how to explain her needs. Glimmer is also more willing to play real war where Adora is in the magic realm. 

These issues cause strife up until Glimmer angrily pushes Adora too far in Boys' Night Out (4x08) blaming her for the loss of Angella. Adora is understandably hurt and then tries to hyper-focus on having to save the day. She falls back on the pattern of implicit memories of being the martyr and hero. 

Glimmer’s angry words mirror Catra's from their past. Centering on needing to be the hero. With both of them, it’s a slight misread of what Adora actually needs to do. She does need to be the hero, the leader, and save the day but not because she is self-important but because that is what she has built her entire identity on from when she was a child. She has experienced objectification her entire life and changing from this perspective isn’t something easily done. Glimmer and Adora both feel the need to prove something and carry weight too big for them and Glimmer lashes out while Adora lashes in making Adora obsessed with saving everyone 

Glimmer tries hard to support Adora in season 5 and is willing to do repair work from her mistreatment in Boys Night Out (4x08) and her mistakes in Destiny pt 1/2 (4x12-13). Adora is willing to let Glimmer back in easily, some of that might be Adora not focusing on her own hurt but was also healing. 

Glimmer and Adora went through a deep time of grief and strife and came out with a strong bond and maintained their care for each other. 

Catra

Adora’s relationship with Catra is the most defining one. This relationship depicts a romance torn apart by war as well as showing two children in an abusive family. This dynamic is part of the complexity of their attachments.  

Catra was Adora's primary attachment following Shadow Weaver, being her mother. From being a baby Catra was her primary relationship and her only source of love. In conjunction with their attachments they fill roles in an abusive family, Adora plays the golden child and Catra is the scapegoat. Shadow Weaver and The Horde pushed Adora to feel responsible for protecting Catra. Another layer to this is how Shadow Weaver set up Catra as essentially belonging to Adora (Promise 1x11). 

Adora and Catra's disparate views on Shadow Weaver and the Horde system caused strife between them as Adora wanted to be the leader, hero and was often given this title which forced to Catra feel sidelined. Adora is not always aware of what she is doing or how she is affecting Catra emotionally as well as struggling to understand Catra (Sword Pt 1 1x01, Promise 1x11, Corridors 5x03). But the intention isn’t to be upsetting to Catra but to fulfill her duty and show her love. 

Adora has attachment trauma caused by her upbringing, and she heavily shares this with Cata to be inherently disorganized and breeds traumatic bonding, neither is at fault. After their relational rupture in the start of season 1, Adora continuously wants to be with Catra still as she is her primary attachment and someone she loves deeply.  

However, even with the attachment trauma related to each other, we see Adora be willing to maintain some boundaries making Catra open up to her in the end. Putting her needs first after The Portal incident. (Remember & Portal 3x05-6). 

We see the relationship’s strength in Save The Cat (5x05) Adora being able to break through the effects of the medical and psychological abuse and showing both strength and vulnerability. In Taking Control (5x06) we get some of the strongest relationships scenes of Adora meeting Catra halfway but requiring Catra offering back the strength and vulnerability Adora gave. (Save The Cat & Taking Control 5x05-6)

In the next few episodes, we see them bond and Adora fall back into a mostly easy connection with her closest friend. In Failsafe (5x11) we see Adora being willing to admit she needs Catra and tries to rebuff Shadow Weaver’s attempted manipulation of their connection. We see Adora lose so much strength when Catra leaves again. Their relationships deep connection and Catra's ability to remind Adora she has something to live for ends up saving the day in Heart pt 2(5x13)

While I deeply enjoy their relationship there are some risks in it. Traumatic bonding and enmeshment are the base of their relationship and this has a higher probability to cause relational rupture down the line. Of the two Adora’s side is a bit healthier as Adora has some degree of identity without Catra and has formed attachments to Bow and Glimmer that are more stable. If Adora continues to heal from her need to suffer from others and maintains healthy connections outside I don't think it will be inherently traumatic. 

Catra

General 

Catra has a disorganized attachment style. Her ability to attach was compromised due to her primary attachment object being Shadow Weaver as her Mother. Her approach and avoid messages came from the same place, and any adults she would have tried to connect with would have been cold and militaristic. Children have to have a safe place and person to return to as they explore but Catra never had this, and this broken trust and attunement ability she struggles to attune to almost anyone else. Another layer is like many disorganized people she can experience enmeshment where identity and core ideas become overlapped with another person.  

Cadets

The other cadets treated Catra poorly growing up, shown when Adora leaves Lonnie Says “Adora’s not here to protect you anymore” (Razz 1x03.) At first, Catra generally distances herself from them but as she sits in her place of relative power she starts to turn the bullying and abuse back to them. This is an abusive turnaround and not common from nowhere even if Kyle tried to say so telling her they “used to be friends” (Destiny pt 1 4x12) this isn’t what happened. In flashbacks in Promise (1x11) Catra was excluded from the group and catra often got in fights with them (Corridors 5x03)

Next to Scorpia, Lonnie is the person who suffers from Catra’s abusive behavior. We see this especially in Protocol (4x05) & Fractures-Destiny pt1 (4x10-12) as Catra ends up putting her paranoid thoughts, anger and fear on her after the loss of Scorpia. As mentioned above this is a bit of a turnaround but more prevalently the pathway of abuse from Hordak above Catra to Catra on Scorpia and Lonnie. 

Bow & Glimmer

We see them interact to some degree in Princess Prom (1x08) & No Princess Left Behind (1x09) and it’s mostly in passing. Their first proper interaction comes in Ties That Bind (2x02) where Catra holds most of the power and only becomes dysregulated when Glimmer mentions Adora. But in the end, we see Catra at her most in control and manipulative and Glimmer’s is willing to act out. Catra wins the interaction through her manipulation with Entrapta.

In Destiny pt 2 (4x13) we see Glimmer and Adora both fall apart at the end. Glimmer is the one who sees Catra in a state of completely giving up in a fold state showing willingness to die. Catra is willing to save Glimmer when attacked by Horde Prime. 

During episodes, Horde Prime - Corridors (5x01-3) Glimmer and Catra both deals with isolation and are working for pure survival. They handle it in disparate ways Glimmer tries to be the archetypal queen needing to stay strong for her own perception of self. While Catra uses her implicit need to protect herself through playing the game of the person in power. Catra and Glimmer share a few pleasant moments where they discuss what they would do on Etheria offering a level of support. Catra is willing to save Glimmer to prove she has some good in her and for Adora.

At the end of Taking Control 5x06 and Shot in The Dark 5x08, we see Bow and Glimmer being generally positive and making jokes with Catra. They offer positivity only picking fun in good faith. Catra struggles with this due to her own hypervigilance but is willing to return this kindness. In An Ill Wind (5x09) they work together in a fine way to get what they want. They all share the love for Adora that will drive them to the ends of their own strength showing the main thing they have in common. (Save The Cat-Heart pt 2 5x05-13). 

Entrapta

Entrapta is an interesting case. From The Beacon-Signals (1x10-2x03) Catra and Entrapta share a relationship that starts with manipulation from Catra in saying that the princess would abandon her to get her on her side, this is also based on Catra's pain (The Beacon 1x10). They work decently together but Catra continues to struggle to form a healthy friendship finding Entrapta a bit grating and her generalized trust deficits. Catra can be mean to her but still offers some protection to Entrapta. (Signals 2x03). Their relationship totally breaks down from Catra’s perspective as of Light Spinner (2x06) as she feels replaced in Hordak’s eyes, replaying her base trauma from her attachment to Shadow Weaver. 

Entrapta is unaware of Catra’s trauma or her pattern of harming others to handle her own pain. This leaves Entrapta vulnerable, and she is only fully aware when she is banished to Beast Island by Catra in Moment of Truth (3x04).

They interact fully again in Taking Control (5x06) where Catra’s hypervigilance and recent medical trauma has her fearful of what Entrapta’s will do to her when removing the chip. After Entrapta is able to remove Catra is willing to apologize and Entrapta easily accepts it. 

Double Trouble

Double Trouble and Catra have a relationship built-in transactional stating in their first meeting in The Valley of the Lost (4x02). This continuous but Double Trouble is also able to make Catra laugh and Catra finds her easy to communicate with as there isn't a need for the same attachment patterns as normal relationships. (Flutterina-Princess Scorpia 4x03-6). 

Double Trouble then is captured and Catra becomes worried about being abandoned by them as part of an episode of depression and panic episode after having been left by Scorpia (Fractures 4x10). Catra is surprised to see Double Trouble and Double Trouble notices how broken up catra was and is happy to point out Catra's fears of abandonment. (Destiny pt 1) Double Troubles transactional nature turns against Catra in the same episode as they sell out Catra for their own safety. 

Double Trouble can't help but get in a final scene pointing out to Catra how she has driven everyone [Adora, Scorpia, Shadow Weaver & Hordak] away and that she has been wearing a mask this whole time. 

Scorpia

Scorpia suffers from the fall out of Catra’s symptoms dealing with Catra’s tendency to replay her abuse. Catra is never fully able to let Scorpia in, while Scorpia desperately wants Catra to like her. Scorpia has an intense crush on Catra and becomes blind to the abusive behavior due to her self perception as a good friend. Catra is also blinded to the kindness being offered to her due to a warped perception of others and her leaning into the abusive programming of her childhood. 

Throughout season 1 we see Catra generally keep Scorpia at an arm's length but Scorpia becomes attached when Catra shows her any attention like in Princess Prom (1x08), though Catra is upset about Adora and is default supportive of Scorpia. In season 2 we see Scorpia be very helpful to Catra and Catra does start to lean on her in Signals (2x03) and Catra even starts to recognize the affection in White Out (2x05). But fear and repeating abusive behaviors damage her relationships to a more abusive footing as Catra lashes out due to Shadow Weaver and Hordak's behavior. 

We have two important moments in season 3’s episode Once Upon A Time in the Crimson Waste (3x03) and Moment of Truth (3x04). In Once Upon A Time in the Crimson Waste (3x03) we see how their relationship could be, Scorpia noting that this is the first time she’s seen Catra even be happy and that she could leave. Any chance of comfort is broken when Catra suffers a breakdown and lashes out. In a Moment of Truth (3x04) Catra hurts Entrapta deeply and threatens Catra followed by almost killing everyone in a moment of suicidality and homicidal tendencies. This fractures their relationships irrevocably. 

Season 4 Catra spirals into only focusing on winning the war and being willing to use every one. She lashes out insulting Catra and putting her as her stress relief demeaning her. Scorpio recognized this finally in Princess Scorpia (4x06) telling Catra’s she’s a bad friend, a deep insult from Scorpia. This is one of the final straws that breaks Catra's fragile hold on functionality in Boys' Night Out (4x08). 

Catra realizes the harm she’s done in season five though the relationship is less active in the finale season. But it was formative in moving Catra to a place where she could be better. 

Hordak

Hordak and Catra’s relationship changes extremely throughout the show. In season one and presumably throughout their childhood he is a powerful influence that guides their actions but is more of a force than a person. He takes Catra into the higher sections of the power structure seeing her promise in being a force captain which is hugely important to Catra as it validates her need for attention and recognition. 

Throughout season 2 he acts as a secondary abuser to Shadow Weaver, she seeks out his approval wanting to be able to be on the same level with him protecting herself from the insinuation she lacks his trust. (2x01-3, White Out 3x05 & Light Spinner 3x06) Catra shows fear to him and even tries to protect Entrapta from him originally in Signals (2x03). We see her also be very hurt by Hordak choosing Entrapta over her throughout season two. 

Due to Catra still being very attached to Shadow Weaver we see Catra attempt to protect Shadow Weaver but at this point, she is still acting in fear of Hordak trying to avoid his anger at her culminating in him catching, assaulting and imprisoning her in Reunion (2x07). 

After this we see Catra be apathetic towards anything going on with him being in a state of depression and anger. She is reckless and is willing to call him out for being a coward and risk whatever he will do, breaking through the programmed fear. (The Price of Power 3x01 Once Upon A Time in The Crimson Waste 3x03)

Catra lies to Hordak during her break down to be able to pull the lever (Moment of truth 3x04). 

When they regroup after The Portal incident Hordak tries to continue using fear of Catra, but she overcomes the past fear almost completely and takes him on breaking his suit and partially disabling him. (The Coronation 4x01) She uses her knowledge of her own power and puts them on a more equal footing. Catra is the right hand but equal from his perspective until Destiny pt1 (4x12) where Hordak Says “we will control all of Etheria” and “victory is ours”. However, even this equality is partially a facade due to Hordak being an abuser to Catra for years and treating her as under him up until the last few episodes and Catra using the lie about Entrapta to claw back power after he rejected her before.

Catra starts to identify with Hordak telling him “you and me we don’t need anyone” (Princess Scorpia 4x06). She is trying to get him to finish their mission and has rejected any connection to others but in her rant, she is also still trying to prove herself saying “they’ll all see ''. This is similar to how Hordak wants to not be seen as defective. This identification also extends to her tendencies of following patterns of abusive behavior, at the height of identification her abusive behavior is at its worst. 

The identification and manipulation come to a head when they fight in Destiny pt 2 (4x12) after Double Trouble reveals Catra’s lies. The fight is both a power struggle and a depressive and anger-fueled breakdown. At least on Catra’s part, the outcome is similar to what happened after the portal (Once Upon a Time in the Waste-The Portal 3x03-6). Hordak’s anger was comes from him placing some a level of trust in Catra and her rejecting that.

This fight is reckless and leaves Catra mentally and physically battered, an important moment that sets up her actions in season 5. 

During her imprisonment with Horde Prime, they connect over her being able to tell him from the other Horde clones. They also both suffer similar religious and medical assaults from Horde Prime. They have little interaction after their plotlines diverge. Though both deal with ideas of autonomy. 

Adora

Cat's entire world is centered around Adora. Her continued existence was tied to her relationship to Adora from Shadow Weaver’s perspective (Promise 1x11). As a child, Adora was her entire world and the only person to ever show her kindness. This leads her to experience an extreme  enmeshment and traumatic bonding that leads to identity and relational struggles. 

An early difference between them is the way Catra never had an ideological commitment to the Horde vs Adora who had a belief system to break. This difference is one of the first cracks in their relationship to Catra viewing the betrayal of Adora in personal terms. Due to the fact, Catra finds the idea that the Horde was hurting people obvious due to horrendous abuse she suffered as a child so Adora left her and downplayed their trauma in one go. (The Sword pt 1/2 1x01-2)

Catra spends much of the first season splitting on Adora going between wanting her back, protecting her, shoving her away and eventually proclaiming false independence. This is a trait of her symptom pattern due to her developmental trauma. A slightly less extreme splitting episode happens after they became close again (Return to the Fright Zone-Heart pt 1 5x10-12)

In her most violence breakdown in Remember (3x05) & The Portal (3x06) where Catra’s locus of control has broken down to being all about Adora’s actions. Adora rejects the blame and this forms another form of rupture in their connection. 

Catra never fully stops being dependent on Adora for her sense of self and actions. She heavily places weight on what Adora did, what Adora would think, how to get Adora’s attention and ways to prove she’s better. Even when angry at her Catra has a need to base decisions off showing Adora her worth and strength (Princess Prom 1x08 & Princess Scorpia 4x06). 

In the final arc of the show Catra has positive changes in her behavior and emotions. However, she still hasn’t fully learned boundaries; her decision to change was spurred on by flashbacks to her co-dependence on Adora in her childhood (Corridors 5x03). Their relationship starts to heal through Adora keeping up a level of boundaries and Catra being willing to admit she needs Adora (Taking Control 5x06). Throughout the rest of the season, Catra’s behavior is still centered around how Adora views Catra in their ability to work together and then the rupture after fearing Adora would choose her duty over Catra again and the misperception Adora lacked as strong feelings for Catra as she did for her. (Failsafe & Heart pt 1 5x11-12)

We see their relationship mature over this last season and the romantic aspect taking centre stage ending with their kissing help both of them maintain a connection reality in The Heart pt 2 (5x13)

Her love for Adora is important and something that kept her strong and can be healing. However, the relationship is still subject to dysfunction due to Adora the key to Catra’s core beliefs and schemas. Learning to have their strong connection be a strength while maintaining boundaries will be the key to this relationship being healing.

[Will cover Shadow Weaver and the girls in pt 3]