#she also told me her gf was trans for like…. no reason

[yuribalisms]

So like, I don’t mind getting clocked. In some ways, it’s nice, and given the way I present myself, I can’t really fault people for clocking me. It definitely sucks when the wrong ppl clock me (like the ppl who try to get me to come to Church/ask to pray for me when none of my other coworkers deal with that bullshit) but that’s not the point. The point, is that I wish That type of queer person would learn they did not have to be so blatant about clocking me, nor does the fact that they clocked me mean that I am open to a conversation where they expect me to lay out every single aspect of my sexual, romantic, and gender identity. You don’t need to come up to me and say “idk how you identify, but you are very pretty or handsome, whichever you prefer” (a real thing some little teen said to me) you can just say “you look cool” or some other variation. If we’re never going to see each other again, you don’t need to know my pronouns. You don’t need to ask questions about my name. Just give me a little nod, I’ll probably understand what you mean, because now you’ve made me uncomfortable, and, depending on how blatant you are and who I’m around, you may have just outed me to someone I did not want to be out to. Like it is just not necessary

[lycankeyy]

Jesus Christ these doodles already feel so old . I was not lying I really am using this fixation to speedrun learning to draw humans LMAO. Anyway I made some of those silly "understand ship in 5 minutes" memes with my Favorite pairings in funkycule au not ALL of them just the ones that I brainrot hardest about. If I did one for all of them we'd be here all day I'd probably hit image limit it's called the funkycule for a reason

ANYWAY infodumping/details under the cut:

BF/GF/Pico:

I am a "BF and GF are Fucking Tall™️" truther because it's funny to me. With BF it's harder to tell because his posture is absolutely atrocious but GF is just So Fucking Tall

I'm going to be honest with the gender headcanon for BF. I guess I default to him being transmasc but I can see him as. Like. Anything. In fact I think he's just every gender. But I'm a coward so he's transmasc for the purposes of the chart. GF is a girl but identifying her as "cis" or "trans" doesn't mean much when demon genders don't really work like that. It's complicated. Pico is just a guy

Pico likes being the big spoon because he likes knowing that his partners are safe. However GF likes being the big spoon More. The result is Pico Sandwich. He will never admit it but Pico feels the safest he ever has in his entire life when he is being Pico Sandwiched

BF is very much a verbal affection type of guy. Yes he is nonverbal. His words of affection are various dubstep noises. His partners appreciate it so much

BF grew up kinda spoiled and never really learned how to cook. However after noticing that Pico is like extremely bad at feeding himself (canon six pack means nothing to me. That boy is skin and bones I won't be told otherwise /silly) he for the first time managed to convince himself to try it and he got Really into it he's actually good at it. He still loses his mind when GF makes him pb&j sammiches for dinner though it's his favorite thing in the world

Pico is Insanely overprotective mostly because he's extremely hypervigilant and sees potential danger in everything. BF is the exact opposite and even in situations where he's in immediate danger he'll be ironically more worried about Pico getting too worried about it. GF is also pretty ditzy about this due to her confidence that her boys can handle Anything but if either of them ever got hurt she would explode everyone in a 50 mile radius with her mind so like that counts for something

Random headcanon: the group's favorite date night activity is looking up an extremely bad movie and then commentating over it like old-school rage youtubers the whole time in an effort to see who can get the others to laugh the hardest. BF wins often because the flatness of the TTS voice he uses adds something to the humor of it

Pico/Darnell:

I kinda bounced around with what label to use for Darnell for a while. I definitely see him as arospec, with the stipulation that he does feel romantic attraction just like very not traditionally and after a Long Time. After going between quoiromantic and demiromantic for a bit I landed on grey bc it's open-ended enough to encompass it. The point is it took Darnell like 3 full years to realize that his feelings were less platonic than he thought and even then theyre still like. Only half-romantic lmao

Unfortunately as he cannot provide the Pico Sandwich Darnell is getting little spoon'd by a guy nearly a foot shorter than him. F

Pico and Darnell are pretty verbally coarse with each other in a way only people who've been through the amount of shit they have been together can be w/o jeopardizing their relationship. That being said they often express affection and insane amounts of trust through actions very frequently, sometimes even without either of them realizing. Them immediately making up after weekend 1 was one of those times lol

I put Pico on the "squashes the bug" end of both charts but in reality I think he just takes them outside unless it's like a gnat or something. Darnell isn't scared of bugs he just wonders what would happen if he set one on fire. Pico refuses to let him set them on fire

Even though Pico 2 is in a weird limbo state in funkycule just like it is irl, there's still some point in the timeline where Pico expressed protectiveness over Darnell, to the point where, years later, when Darnell heard Pico took down a whole army for BF and GF, he got jealous, because that was supposed to be their thing >:(. This was quickly followed by his Oh moment

Random headcanon: Pico and Darnell had been acquaintances for the whole time they were in school together, but they became friends when Pico (and Nene by proxy) were the only kids to continue hanging out with him after The Class Presentation Gone Wrong (Darnell Plays with Fire). To return the favor, Darnell stuck by Pico even after the events of PS fundamentally changed him as a person. Though their relationship can be messy, they've been virtually inseperable since.

Nene/Cassandra:

The levels of toxicity of this are mostly dependant on When in the timeline by the time these two are like 21 they've normalized a bit dw lmao

Okay so like. I've made so much Lore. For Pico's School. For no reason. Anyway penilians have nothing against child soldiers so Cas was shipped off to infiltrate Earth at the penilian equivalent of 13. Also while on a surface level she's transfem in more depth it's like "all penilians are One Sex and have One Gender so technically she is xenogender, using neopronouns, and if you want to be extra silly with it, by the time she's 19 she's functionally alienkin but for humans as a coping mechanism for being banished to earth (dw abt it)"

[Projects my trauma and its side effects onto Nene] who said that

I didn't think much on the borrowing clothes thing until I realized that I draw Nene and Cassandra wearing the same style of turtlenecks I was like. Do you know what would be really funny

I don't have many intimate cute headcanons for these two Yet because I'm so early on in developing my shit and these two are Not cute at first. However I do like to imagine that Nene calls Cas all kinds of over-the-top cutesy or stupid nicknames just to get a reaction out of her. She called her a "vixen" as a furry joke + something between a compliment and insult once and she almost died

Nene is literally the only one in this entire cast who's never gotten her license suspended also she's somewhat good at car maintence which Cas find inexplicably hot

Giggles and kicks my feet at putting both Pico and Cassandra at the far end of the overprotectiveness spectrum. Anyway

Random headcanon: in the short period of time before Cas started ghosting Nene and FNF happening, they were in contact for One Christmas when they were like 15. Nene got Cas a cute little switchblade with hearts carved into the handle. Cas keeps it in a box by her bed and refuses to let anyone touch it or to let it ever get dirty.

If you have read this far I love you. Here is your reward should you choose to accept it:

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

wibta for asking to be included in my partner’s messages with his gf? (sorry, this one’s long.)

i (23f) have been with my partner “finn” (22m) for roughly four years, on and off. we’ve hit some rough patches over the years for a variety of reasons, including that my partner is trans and only recently realised this and we both live in very conservative areas with unsupportive parents. i broke up with him because my parents gave me an ultimatum of break up or move out; he once broke up with me because of a controlling friend who thought i didn’t believe he was trans (i still identify as a lesbian even though i’m dating a man and i’m not interested in label discoursing over it). etc. so yes, we’ve been rocky, but i love him and we now live together with our two cats and are very happy.

now. enter “mia,” (20f), my partner’s new girlfriend.

finn and i have been theoretically polyamorous for six months since i came out to him as aromantic and told him i’m fine with him dating other people if they feel he wants more “romance” in his life (we still do romantic things, but it’s definitely more of a performance on my end and not something i really feel. i’ve been open and honest about this, and i’m genuinely not hurt that finn has taken up this offer and started to date mia. i was happy they got together, actually, because mia and i have been friends for awhile and i knew she had a (poorly hidden) crush on finn for awhile. i never told her we were polyamorous because i didn’t want to get her hopes up regarding finn, but it seemed like it all worked out happily when they started dating about six weeks ago.

except… finn has had a COMPLETE change in how he treats me in those weeks. he barely speaks to me when we’re both home outside of necessity, often avoids being in the same room as me (especially if he’s calling or texting mia, he will completely leave the room if i walk in), and he cancelled our weekly date night this week for a flimsy reason. he then spent most of the night texting mia.

i’ve been doing my best to ignore this, chalking it up to the butterflies stage of a new relationship, letting them have their fun, etc, but after more than a month, it’s really starting to grate on me. finn and i have been through so much to be together, and it suddenly feels as if he doesn’t give a shit about our relationship anymore and has tossed it aside for mia. (who, by the way, doesn’t speak to me at ALL anymore about anything but finn. our friendship has completely disappeared since they started dating.)

of course, dear tumblr, i am an adult and i know basic relationship skills. i sat finn down the other night and explained how i was feeling. i asked if we could extend our weekly date nights to him having a no-mia bubble so he could focus on me specifically just for that on evening. i also suggested we have a “double date” with all three of us every now and then, because mia and i are (or…used to be?) friends too, and it would be fun for all of us to be together. finn first said he agreed with me, and then he said a few things that set off major alarm bells. he said mia seems insecure in their relationship right now compared to his relationship with me, so he’s been devoting extra time to her so she stops feeling jealous. i asked if mia was jealous of me specifically, and he dodged the question, but i think it’s kind of obvious now. so i asked if mia wanted him to break up with me and be with just her instead - which, admittedly, was maybe a reach, and that’s where i think i might be the asshole. but i can’t shake the feeling that it’s true, especially after finn’s repeated non-answers.

at this point, i feel like the only way i could convince myself that mia isn’t trying to break up me and finn so she can date him solely is to be more included in their relationship. on one hand, i think that’s fair - i HAVE been dating finn much longer, we live together, etc. i’m his life partner. we agreed on polyamory IF everyone felt loved in it, and quite frankly i’m not feeling the love anymore. however, i don’t want to overreact or overreach. the last thing i want to do is try to control his relationship with mia, and i’m worried maybe i’m just being too jealous and i’m the one who needs to chill out.

you let me know, tumblr. TLDR: my polyamorous partner is ignoring me to spend time with his new girlfriend. wibta if i asked him to start including me in his texts/dates/etc with her because i think she wants the two of us to break up?

What are these acronyms?

[polyamorouspunk]

Coming here to yell about a thing.

SO. Im like. Frustrated with the whole ‘am I queer’ thing. (Like personally for myself). And i think Im at a point where I just. Do not care anymore. Like. I could care less what people refer to me as. I dont think its important to tell people. And I just do what I want. I think my new response when asked is gonna just be ‘idk Im just me’.

Like. Im dating this person and Ive not told them any of my queer exploits and. I dont think Im going to? Is that wrong of me? That I dont feel like its important or defining enough to be brought up and have a weird awkward conversation about when I dont even have a solid answer and also Im completely comfortable being called either way? Its not like the terms they call me upset me or make me uncomfortable. I just dont think its worth the conversation of ‘well my gender might be fucked but details are unobtainable’.

Of the few friends who ive told about it, some think i should tell my parter and another thinks theres nothing wrong with it if its not a path I plan on pursuing or putting importance on in my life. Honestly, I haven’t even thought of it in months until I was talking to an old friend who knew me as exploring my queerness that I hadnt seen in a few years and he just kept asking questions and prying about the gender stuff and like. Fuck bro I dont know anymore. Is it really wrong of me to just not care anymore and want to leave that chapter of my life behind? Like Im still kinda involved in my local queer community, but more like. Its like, not *because* Im queer, but because these people are accepting of me just existing as I am. Just. Aaahhhhhhh IM PULLING MY HAIR OUT WITH THIS

HELLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP 😭😭😭

I think that’s completely normal.

I live my life as a girl. People are surprised when I say I’m trans because like man I don’t like it but like it’s like yeah I don’t care enough to fight over people using pronouns other than she/her for me irl? Like it’s just not worth it and I don’t care that much.

Honestly I don’t really see much of a point in like “coming out” for myself anymore either. Like if it’s a conversation I want to have with someone then cool but do I really give a shit if the random customer I’m ringing out thinks I’m straight and cis? Not really.

Like yeah, different spaces for different things. A part of me is sad that a lot of other queer people probably don’t pick up on me being queer because I don’t really scream “QUEER” when you look at me, and that’s a big reason of why I’m going to cut my hair soon. But like I do think that’s kind of silly of me not feeling like I “look” queer enough. And honestly I know a lot of queer people who are shit and a lot of cishet people who aren’t.

I have a friend who as far as I know is cishet but just by virtue of him being autistic and nerdy he just attracts queer people. It’s like “oh he’s an honorary queer” no he’s just weird and different like the rest of us but in a different way.

There’s a reason queer overlaps a lot with like neurodivergence and physical disability/chronic illness etc. Weird just attracts weird. Who cares what flavor.

Honestly I’d rather have weird cishet friends than pretentious queer people who treat me like shit.

I’ve always said for myself that if a cishet guy was interested in me I would be fine with just being a cis girl in a relationship with a cishet guy. Like I wouldn’t want anyone being like “well he’s in a queer relationship because he’s with a transmasc genderfluid bi lesbian queer person” like nah dude if someone wants to see me as their gf and I’m comfortable with it then cool.

There are also a LOT of gay people who don’t ID as queer or even LGBTQ+. You can be LGBTQ+ whatever and not be “in the community” and you can be cis/het/allo/mono and still “in the community”.

It’s all about breaking down boarders. If YOU don’t care, no one else should care. What you tell any person you’re dating is completely up to you. Obviously some things are more important than others (like hey if you don’t want to disclose you have an STD you don’t have to! But you probably should) but queer status is personal and up for disclosure on a case-to-case basis- or just 100% or not at all.

[dragonmistressivy]

I hate how one of the only things i want to do on this tour is will be too exhausted to go see. It being the colosseum. We are seeing the Vatican in the morning then exploring rome and then see the colosseum in the afternoon. My legs are still in pain for yesterday and will be in more pain tomorrow. Also people kept deadnaming and misgendering me today so much. Also at dinner(they actually had something i would eat) two girls were talking about home and one was sad about not seeing her boyfriend and her family. Somehow the topic of walking in on someone having sex at school came up in their conversation. It is was uncomfortable. Also why can’t i have a bf or a gf. Also they were both so pretty. My dysphoria was hitting me like s truck so hard. I will never have a cis girl’s life or even any sort of childhood or teen years. I have burned my life away. If only i had known that i was a trans girl at 11. I had even realized i wasn’t a guy but i didn’t hate myself yet or know what life is wanted instead. I buried those thoughts until late march last year and i hate it. I could have had a girl teen years and actually gone to school dances, had sleepovers(tho probably not because of my stupid failing body), actually felt rigjt in my skin, wear cute clothes, wear makeup, learn how to be a girl as i grow up, have a closer to what i want body. I will never have that all because i didn’t realize i could do anything about it. I was literally going to a children’s hospital for my cerebral palsy and the area for like trans health was like 15-20 feet away. I was literally in walking distance away from a decent life. I will never have a decent life nor a life at all. I want to die it all tight now but can’t. I would be destroying other peoples’ lives and making everyone’s trip miserable. I am a selfish bitch i just want to die. Why can’t i have been normal and average. I literally wish i was the most average girl in existence. I can’t stand being unique. It brings me so much mental pain. I will never be happy. I just can’t i am far past the point of being happy. I was only happy as a child because i knpwn nothing and my body hadn’t been turned into a monster by puberty. Why can’t i just be a kid forever. I need it. I don’t want to turn 18 in a few months. It would be so so ironic to commit on my birthday for multiple reasons. One because that is the day i came into this world(against my will and without my consent). And another because that week is national suicide prevention week and that month is national suicide prevention month. I probably will not commit on that day but it would be so ironic if i did. Also a girl who was in our group for free time today told me how i am strong for being life because a lot of people “unfortunately die young”. I think she clocked me immediately. Also it is sort of obvious that she has an eating disorder and is very depressed. Apparently she was in my calculus class. I did not know that. I should have talked to her at some point during the school year. She is friendly. I wish i could change my past in so many ways. All i see are my failures and mistakes and flaws. I don’t see positive stuff in my life i know there is some but i can’t physically care because of all the overwhelming problems and flaws. I am a failure of a human. I wish i had died in the womb or at least was a designer baby which either would have been nice. I hate existence. I hate my existence. It is pain and misery and only suffering. I can’t be happy. I wish i could just take someone’s life. Preferably someone who is like 11 or 12 so i could just make up the years i could have easily had if only i had just known. Also i want to be cured of cerebral palsy but that isn’t possible unfortunately and probably won’t be in my lifetime. Also how the fuck are girls do hairless. I hate having body hair how the fuck do they have literally none. I have tried multiple things to get rid of it and they are either way too painful and don’t get rid of all the hair or don’t work. It also doesn’t help i can barely use my right side.

I hate being disabled and trans. Please just end my misery. I want to be euthanized so i can die peacefully and not painfully knowing i will 100% die, not alone, and knowing it will be less destructive to everyone around me but unfortunately in the state i life i would have to be terminally ill and they probably still won’t because “i am young and have a life ahead of me”. I am literally in pain 24/7, suffer from so many issues that can’t be fixed, am literally unable to be happy in my life, and will just end myself one day so i would rather it be by a doctor’s hands who know what they are doing than my own hands where i might just disable myself even more. If only my bio mom never did drugs. If only. I would not be suffering. Everything wrong with me is all because of her doing drugs because that led to all the bad things happening. I want out i didn’t consent to suffer 24/7. My legs feel like they will fall off from the pain, my back feels like it is going to break from all the pain, my right arm is so fucking sore, my eyes hurt, my nose hurts(probably from so many people smoking and vaping), my ears are ringing(have had tinnitus for years), i have a massive headache which feels like my head will implode, and i feels most of those 24/7 and Tylenol only helps so much and i can’t take it 24/7 and i didn’t bring any with me because i didn’t think it would be so much more painful than usual. I want to go home but can’t unless i get very hurt or get very sick which i don’t want either. Even if i go home now my mom will have to come home too which will ruin the trip for her. I don’t want to have wasted like 16k. I am a waste. I only waste, waste, and waste. I am the definition of wasteful and useless. My life is a joke. Actually it isn’t because jokes have meaning. My life has no meaning. I exist just to suffer. Why do i have to suffer 24/7. I only don’t suffer when i am asleep and only sometimes. I sleep so light and i am exhausted all the time and the few dreams i have are just so weird and bring me pain from how boring my life is. I hate my existence.

Please just end me whoever or whatever is out there. I will do anything for it and i mean anything

[pondscummy]

the "also sick" comment isn't like "btw I'm SICK, how dare you not know" it's me saying I'm sick like how 2/3 of my roommates are

but like I'm so;;;; it feels so rich that L is like wtf do you want from me about me not replying for 45 minutes when I had to beg his gf over hours and hours of texts every so often to not force me to sit in unwiped shit after my surgery bc she had openly told me she just didn't rly feel like setting up the attachable bidet after telling me for weeks she would, and I never ever got a reply from her or L ever acknowledging that they were wide awake hanging out and laughing while I was like stuck in bed barely able to move begging for follow through on a commitment they made in advance and i eventually had to spend over $100 to hire someone to come out the next day and do it for me and I had to hold my shit for hours lmfao

like L is sooooo great at couching things in flawless tumblr wellness speak but only to talk about how valid they are for not showing up for you and how fucked up it is that you MIGHT ever have a moment where you can't be 100% there w them. like idk what to tell you I've been laying in bed with a sore throat and cough and fever passing out and waking up to roll over in buckets of sweat like the rest of the house. I do genuinely get being annoyed by a lack of response but it's also right back to this whole thing about Always assuming I'm mad at them which is legit one of the only things that actually makes me mad fjdkddhk like bro I do not THINK about you when you're not acting like I'm a bomb about to blow (also, as an aside -- we all take turns buying TP and it's usually me who does it like it's not out of pocket for me to say hey you are the One person who is out of the house already rn, can you get this on your way bc None of the bathrooms have back up rolls and one is totally out and I had to text our sickest roommate telling her to use the bidet and drip dry like.... "am I the first person you asked" yes bc you are the person who makes the most sense dumbfuck. I'm not being "overly needy" toward you or whatever jfc)

they literally told me at one point that the reason they're so scared of me is that my face is "triggering" for them when I'm angry or not feeling good and puts them "back in a really bad place" they have seen my face angry literally 3 times and each time it was on my way back to my room to decompress and each time I said nothing to them other than that I was in a bad mood and I was going to go to my room. I didn't yell either I just said it normal. like I genuinely feel gaslit here like I'm this horrifying monster of a man when it's like dude sometimes people are mad I don't know what YOU want from ME!! I do all my venting here where they can't ever see it even tho we've blocked each other, I censor their name like anyone even knows who they are, I isolate to chill out and it's literally been less than a handful of times like should I fling myself from the roof??????? would that fix it???

I literally know it's bc I'm a man too. none of this was like this until my facial hair came in more and it got crazy worse after I got top surgery and they're so so vocal about how much they despise men and think men should all fuck off and die and there's only a handful of acceptable men that they've personally vetted. despite them pretty clearly having a trans woman fetish bc they only date or look at porn of trans women and they do the whole step on me mommy thing about it even tho their gf has complained like. lmfao you're just a baby te//rf even tho you ID as trans masc yourself. like that's all this even is. I'm a big (5'3") scary (spent the whole weekend w my coworkers asking if I was 12) man who's obviously going to snap and kill you all bc sometimes I *checks writing on hand* get frustrated and go lay down about it

[bitemebones]

TikTok Teens, Carrds, and Oversharing

Be me (fashionable, transguy, 27, celebrating my 10th anniversary by going to a fucking supermarket because I'm too socially drained to go anywhere else).

Go to supermarket.

Be approached by a random stranger who really likes my gf's outfit.

Stranger is young-looking, seems androgynous and queer, and looks like they could either be a) a homestuck adult, or b) a fnaf kid.

(the second is proven to be true)

my gf is wearing a collar. It is not a 'dog' collar - it is a slightly froofy black and dark blue collar with a small bell, normal-passing enough to never raise eyebrows, but clearly either a little bit quirky or, for those in the know, a sign of our relationship to eachother. I collared her on our eighth anniversary, as a fully grown adult. She only wears it outside on special occasions, and our 10th anniversary seemed acceptable.

Stranger immediately flatters gf's collar, and in doing so breaks it to us that they are eighteen years old, and tells us about their sixteen year old boyfriend who will be staying at their house for the first time next week and getting drunk with them. They are going to give him a collar. They then tell us their long history of 'collaring' their past exes, rants about how exhausting it was asking for the collars back after breaking up, and how the collar they're giving her bf is an ex's collar that they've scribbled the name off of.

It becomes readily appareant that:

This person is too young to be approaching strangers.

This person is insanely misinformed about everything imaginable.

They live entirely on TikTok.

Complete Stranger We Cannot Escape For Many Reasons then goes on to tell us about their mental health. About their transition. About their entire fucking life. They had absolutely no sense of safety, of personal boundaries. They're autistic, they're adhd, they have did, they're a psychopath, they're,, etc etc.

They literally listed themself out to us like a fucking Carrd. We were complete strangers. We could have been predators. They told us so much stuff about their life, so many sordid details that we tried so desperately hard to navigate away from. They told us about their teenage boyfriend, about where they lived - THEY WANTED TO GO FOR DRINKS WITH US.

As a note, this is in England. 18 year olds are legally adults and can legally drink. We do not, however, enjoy being accosted by random strangers on the street. Smiling at a stranger on a street usually gets you stabbed. Especially in a Morrisons store.

You haven't known suffering until you've had to listen to an 18 year old Tiktok enjoyer explain how autism and adhd 'are the exact literal same thing' and 'they should know because they've read the whole dsm-5 back to front because oh aren't they so quirky and edgy' and 'did you know DID is actually also just autism too', and 'i have that too by the way', and then

they have the actual gonads

to think it's appropriate

to ask a random stranger

if they are also neurodivergent

(which i am)

and

MY GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I HATE TIKTOK WHY THE FUCK DO TEENS THINK THAT COLLARING SOMEONE IS A FASHIONABLE CUTE PARTNER THING WHEN IT IS LITERALLY A LONG-TERM COMMITMENT AND THAT THEY SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT BE INVOLVING A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD IN THEIR KINKS OR GETTING THEM DRUNK IN SECRET.

AND ALSO WHEN YOU DIVULGE ALL THIS TO A STRANGER WHO TURNS AROUND AND SAYS "I'M 27" YOUR RESPONSE SHOULD NOT BE TO DOUBLE DOWN, BUT INSTEAD SHOULD BE MAYBE REALIZE THAT, OH, YOU JUST DID SOMETHING VERY VERY STUPID IN DIVULGING YOUR WHOLE LIFE STORY TO THIS RANDOM PERSON YOU DIDN'T KNOW, AND LEAVE THE CONVERSATION.

I did not end the conversation when I should have. I tried, very very hard to leave the conversation. I have absolutely devestating social anxiety and this was my first time shopping in weeks. I know that the second I knew they were essentially an extremely vulnerable baby trans I should have left the situation. Believe me, my GF and I tried (we even missed our bus because this person would simply not let us go), but we were absolutely, utterly blindsided (and honestly, 'shook').

I am, unfortunately, someone who sees this sort of person and wants to help them. Wants to reach out and smack tiktok out of their hands, and maybe educate them a bit. But that's not my job. That is not at all my job. I am too mentally ill and tired and old to deal with this. But I do wish them the best. But I do want to help them. But it's exhausting. And it's not my fucking job.

I fucking hate this I hate this I never want to go back outside again in my life I hate this I hate this

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

Hey just curious but is there any point in trying to go on T after a certain age? I'm almost 30 and still haven't been able to see someone for a diagnosis and start medically transitioning and I've been told that if I haven't gone on T by 23 then it's too late for me but since you're a guy who's had to go through that process I wanted to ask if you know anything about that and how legit the claim is?

Don't get me wrong, transitioning later in life does come with its own unique challenges. One of the big one being the social issues that come up. By the time your 30 you might have a more stable job, kids, a spouse, etc. Coming out by itself can be difficult by itself let alone trying to explain to your straight husband that you're also a man. Depending on where you work you might risk your job. Most support groups seem to focus on young adults, and said young adults can be very mean to older folk (and vise versa).

That said, 30 isn't old. It's not. I know we all like to think it is, and as someone who's not there yet it still feels like some far off number. But 30 really isn't that old, and it's certainly not too old to medically transition. I think there's more health risks when you start later (this is a guess, I have no evidence to back this up). But that reasoning being because you are more at risk for certain health conditions in general as you age. Plus the specific risks hrt can bring. But none of those risks would be any different than the risks as someone who starts hrt at 20 once they get close to 30 or 40. So it's really a mute point.

It can also be a little more frustrating since hrt is basically like puberty. Imagine being a teenage boy but at the age of 35. It's a little awkward. But that phase doesn't late that long, and you'll have the rest of your life (a good 40 years if you live to 75) to enjoy being who you truly are. I'd say that's worth it.

Transitioning later in life has it's challenges. But so does everything in life. It's never too late to transition. I've seen transmen transition after 30 and be just fine. I've seen trans women transition at 60. You can do it at any age. Your journey is yours alone. Whether you discover yourself at 20, 30, or even 60 that's ok. You always have time take steps into being your real self. Into becoming more comfortable as yourself. Into doing what'll make you happy. Don't worry. You can do it.

I think a lot of the misconception comes from the fact that most stories we see are of younger adults. And we consider that age range to be a traditional period regardless of gender (it's when you're supposed to figure yourself out). But you can discover yourself at any age. My dad is 50 and only says that he's only now feels like he's figuring out what kind of person he wants to be. My gf's mom is going on a hippie road trip around the USA in her minivan at 50. My grandmother at 65 is only now getting a chance to learn about herself after being stuck in an abusive marriage. My 80 year old grandmother tells me about new things she's figured out every other month. You have so many more years ahead of you. 20 isn't nearly as impactful of a time for self discovery as we like to claim. It's important don't get me wrong. But I've seen more impactful self discovery journeys from people over 40 than anything I've seen from people in their 20s. You got time. It's never too late.

[onnetonprinsessa]

I already apologize for all the typos that I am about to make, but I have to get this out of my system.

So I am part of a student association at our school. Before the new year 2023 we had change of chairman and change of board. Our new chairman seemed funny and social. Mostly likable.

He then started slighty shit talking our previous student association board and chairman (they literally resurrected our student association from death with no help at all, they did the best they could with what they had).

Soon his jokes started being more far-right leaning. He would use "leftist-green" as an insult same way as some would use snowflake. "Its only a joke"...

He clearly knew my take on politics and that I am for example strongly againt supporting the H*gwart nazi simulator game. He knowingly bought said game and flaunted it on instagram story with caption "there goes support money to J.K R*wling".

I then deleted him from my personal social media platforms. I tried to be professional and still be "polite" enough to do something if it was directly asked of me in our student association.

His friend "R" who is also in our student association started to send me streaks of this game they played over at our chairman's house. I deleted R from snapchat after that. I also limited our chairman's girlfriend so that she couldn't see my stories, because I wanted to distance myself from him more.

I also stopped going to our student association office. Which I had previously visited every monday, wednesday and friday.

I have had 3 nights in a row nightmares about our student association and being in the office.

Now today I was goint to a "before-party" to my school friend's apartment, she warned me that she had invated R who had then invated our chairman. I told her it was okay and that I won't die from being in the same room or cause any trouble.

Just before leaving for the actual party our chairman, R and vice chairman "A" basicly cornered me. Our chairman was belittleing my reasons for blocking him. He first shit talked another of our student association members for being over sensitive and "taking it to the wrists" behind his back. Then he refused to listen to me when I stated my reasons and asked not to talk about this since I didn't want to ruin the night. I know that he has his opinions and I have mine and neither of us will change them. There was no point in arguing.

He then blamed me for making his gf sad and that because of me she came sick to this goodbye dinner me and other girl's from our class had because one of them was moving away.

I messaged his gf and told her I am sorry for making her feel this way and I really do like her. (She is very sweet person and I have no idea how such a nice girl ended up with our chairman). And that I only limited her viewing of my stories because I wanted to distance myself from our chairman.

She said she understood me and she didn't come there sick because of me. She just wanted to have dinner with all of us together before her roommate moves away.

So he was lying about his gf to manipulate me to feel ashamed.

Walk to the bar was spent with A trying to defent chairman and saying "how is it any different if I have childhood books of Harry Potter, I am trans supporter but but but but." No matter how I explained that buying this game hurts Scottish people, Jewish people and trans people she would just mumble out the same excuse I had already given explanation to and how she was "so neutral and understood both sides" yet I am the only one getting pushed this blame and shame on.

I am just so tired. Our students association feels already like dictatorship with the new chairman, people are scared to go against what he decides, because he will shame them and make them feel like they are in the wrong.

Then later this same night he put into our student association chatgroup the following "Here is the idea for a hangout, when surely not everyone has a theme or otherwise a topic for content: We could organize a Harry Potter hangout at the next hangout date, now that Hogwarts Legacy is coming, the series will be on display again in a big way. @somegirl also said that she could bring Harry Potter Trivial Pursuit to the venue and here is a pretty easy topic where you could, for example, make same kinda quiz we had in karaoke hangout."

We had over week or two ago come up with lots of different ideas for this hangout. He just chose to now ignore them.

Now he is just clearly rubbing this into my face.

He also added "Linking Harry Potter to x, y and z hate movements is completely the same as believing in other stupid conspiracy theories".

I just want to quit. I will quit. I just know he will talk shit about me behind my back to whoever will listen.

I just hate that I was trying to be civil and keep this whole thing as drama free as I could and they basicly attack and corner me during this freetime thing which was supposed to be relaxing and fun. Then belittle me and shame me.

I hope this makes some sense. I just got home and I am writing this as I try to get some sleep.

[tasteless-deactivated2022011029]

like letting what kind of things slide ? /gen

Honestly I may have jumped the gun a little without fleshing out the thought, cause it is mostly all on social media I dont even use :/ I only use tumblr and what I see on tiktok twitter etc is on other people's phones with like, algorithms that I dont even understand. On them I've seen a lot of butch/femme crap that like... truthfully just mirrors bad cishet bullcrap (that people either roll their eyes at or write essays about how awful it is) and also thoughtless sex essentialist language related to sex and their femmes and I'm like. Man if a trans guy was talking about sex with a girl like that, he would be guilty of the male gaze and being a bit of an a-hole pervert and crap. (Which is a trans experience of being both over and de sexualized coming into it but aside from that) But butches do it and its received as cute in a kind of like 'queering the rigid gender roles of our grandparents time' fashion that definitely does not extend to a lot of bisexual m/f or to trans guys that arent the submissive breedable catboy with a shag haircut wojak meme. Trans people who are hetero are usually ignored and if not its it's always twisted, like trans guys are a hetero punching bag type like bi people are when ur comes to 'the manipulative men' of the queer community. Trans women too, especially if they are early in transition.

So one example I keep thinking of like over and over is a video I saw on a friends feed (?) A few weeks ago of an attractive butch saying with a smile that she doesnt feel like she has to 'give' shiy in her sexual relationship unless her femme does what boils to essentially 50s housewife crap all day. If a trans guy said he only wants to eat out his gf after she gets the makeup and heels on and does the house crap with a chuckle at the end I close my eyes and just see that he'd be called a manipulative abuser toxic masculinity obsessed loser... or I guess today he'd be diagnosed as a narcissist first. but for some reason it's like butch lesbians saying some off stuff like that it's viewed in such an infantile patronizing way even when it does start to feel genuinely not respectful to the femme or gf. Like regardless I dont care if that's what a couple does, but the response difference is hard for me to ignore.

But I also feel like I'm making shit up because of my past, given I lived with so much of the scum of the lesbian community. Like it's not their fault my grandma and her friends are lesbian separatists who told me about how many trans people and bihets and drug addicts they refused help to during the aids crisis lol.. so I'm trying not to let that be my hammer cause I'm smart enough to know usually when shit's not a nail

[gameclam]

Barmey and Mind's relationship headcanons 👀👀 (same guy sorry)

thisll be a mix of their relationship + past relationships

Freemind's will mention Eddie, bc of this i will say my Eddie =/= Eddie's mind Eddie, idk shit abt that one, my Eddie is based entirely off of the stories Fm told in his canon story. (just so ppl dont get confused or something)

Barmey's relationships;

He tends to date people he met online in mmo's, most of the time he doesn't actually have a thing for them tho bc he didnt know he was gay for far too long

he's still friends with his old GF from high school, they broke up in college bc he felt like they were better friends, she was an exchange student and was the most popular girl in school. If he told you this you would probably not believe him.

Thought relationships were supposed to be awkward for the entire relationship

Never realizes anyone is flirting with him, if he does notice anything he thinks they're joking

had less relationships in elementary -> high school (until he met his gf) bc he was one of the only trans guys in the entire shitty Arizona town no one wanted to date him. and if they did he wouldn't have even noticed tbh

The only time he started REALLY questioning his sexuality was when he met Freemind in college but just assumed that he just thought he was really cool

Now that they're dating he finally realizes why people want to kiss and stuff. he thought ppl just over hyped relationship stuff

you might be surprised but he's the top in this relationship

Will literally jump to tell anyone everything abt his boyfriend even if it's what everyone sees as 100 red flag stories in a row

Very easy to make jealous but he tries to not be weird about it most of the time

literally trapped in the honey moon phase for the rest of their lives

once as a romantic gesture he made an entire rube goldberg machine throughout their entire apartment that ended with a box of banana laffy taffy dropping onto Freemind's bed. literally Freemind will bring this up to everyone

desperately tries to win prizes for his bf at fairs or amusement parks but always fails. he fucking sucks at them bc he gets nervous. If absolutely no one is looking at him he would get a perfect score

he is a little bit better at showing his affection than Freemind is

He's not had many bad relationships or anything, mostly bc he doesn't often go on dates with people. (dating regularly bothered him bc to cut time out of his schedule)

When he has tried dating Often people think he's kind of cringy or annoying bc of his very specific interests so they never clicked.

Freemind's Relationships;

Freemind has not so good luck with people, his past relationships never lasted that long for one reason or another.

He tends to be very bad at figuring out when people are into him or completely hate him. He often reads it completely wrong (Someone who doesn't like him = they want him, someone who obviously wants him = wants to kill him)

Similar to Barmey he didn't have much dating luck as a young guy bc he was trans + an actual lunatic. Plus he looked like a nerd for most of his years until he started his punk phase when he was 15. His town wasn't as small as Barmey's so they didnt know anyone (he lives in a town CLOSE but not IN Seattle in most of my headcanons. I have no reason why this is different. sometimes he does live there tho depends on the day for me)

Despite talking a big game he has a lot of trouble flirting with girls first bc they scare him, bc of this he tends to only get flirty when they flirt with him first bc he's too intimidated to actually do anything

he has gotten pepper sprayed before, not for anything serious he just has absolutely 0 luck. Once it was because his ex gf was mad that he made a pipe bomb in her garage and once it's bc some stranger mistook him for someone else when he went to talk to her. He was also tazed once but that was bc he lost a bet with his gf at the time

He dated ONE normal person exactly one time and it was the weirdest relationship he'd ever been in. He would literally rather date someone who slashes his tires bc he forgot their birthday over someone who's favorite hobby is going on hikes. Never again

Tends to prefer flings over actual relationships

made out with like 50 different dudes in college and still didn't realize he was bisexual until he was living in New Mexico (this depends on the au i'm thinking of bc sometimes he been knew and sometimes he doesn't) He thought this was just normal college shenanigans

He also gets jealous like Barmey does. They are mutually jealous ppl when it comes to eachother.

Eddie is his drug deal and best friend from high school, depending on universe he slept with him or fooled around w/ him at least once. But they have no romantic feelings for each other, just mutual attraction.

Freemind tends to date girls who want to burn down peoples houses and crash cars. Sometimes this is fine sometimes it isn't. He prefers punks + goth/emo + weird girls, he prefers fatter girls who are tall but any height and body type he can find attractive.

As for men, he prefers guys who are dumb as a bag of rocks and infuriating OR absolutely batshit crazy or both. He tends to prefer Fatter tall men. but any height and body type he can find attractive.

Was that guy who refused to say "I love you" in like every single relationship he was ever in, his relationships were often mutually unhealthy.

However there was the rare moment where he would become absolutely infatuated with someone bc they were perceived 'better' by his mental illness. If they broke up he would either immediately hate them or spiral into thinking he's the worst person alive. This happened once while he was dating a girl who cheated on him, after their breakup he spiraled.

Now that he's dating Barmey he has to learn how to love and be affectionate like a most people. The best way for him to do this is to randomly gift Barmey things that he knows he likes. (like a "Look i thought about and remember the thing you like.")

He does a lot of cooking specifically for Barmey bc although he doesn't like cooking that much he's good at it and it's better than the garbage Barmey eats nearly daily . This is another sign of affection bc usually he wouldn't care.

^ in the same vein, another form/proof of love is that Barmey can be in the kitchen while he cooks, which is crazy bc usually Freemind absolutely despises when people are in the kitchen with him when he cooks bc it overwhelms him. But not Barmey :)

Is not normal about asking for cuddle time he will enter the room and just stare at Barmey until he notices him or sit very very close to him until Barmey initiates like a damn cat. Luckily Barmey usually does.

He WILL however initiate holding his hands constantly. it's one of his favorite forms of affection when they're outside together. He also likes putting his arm around him while walking.

Freemind parades Barmey around like Barmey is his trophy husband. He would actually attack you if you said anything rude to Barmey right in front of him.

[menalez]

idk which ex ur talking about in that "insane things my ex has done" but i relate bcuz i am currently in a relationship with a gendie who has started saying recently that my aversion to male genitalia is incredibly transphobic even though she knows i have been sexually assaulted many times by men (and am and always have been a lesbian lol) (also sorry if this is inappropriate but i feel like i have no one else to confide in.)

im not sure where i talked about her but i can tell from what u said which ex i was talking about lool its my 1st gf and i never rly talked fully about this bc my ex has since transitioned (only socially tho afaik) & continued to be questionable as fuck in various ways and went from friendly w me to shit talking me bc how dare i share my opinions on my blog which she decided to keep regularly checking for years after our break up despite her having a gf and us hardly ever talking (partially bc of me bc frankly in hindsight i was far too forgiving n despite that she demonised me at the end of our relationship n was weird in various moments after we remained friends)

but she was (& is) also a gendie, which is fine bc when we were together she wasnt like irrational about it. she was the one who told me that SRS doesnt work the way i thought it did, like the genitals didnt magically change and there arent like no differences like i thought, instead she said the differences were obvious. but near the end of our relationship she insisted to me that the way to fix her issues was to make our relationship an open relationship, said that my body made her insecure about her own body n she should sleep w people with a similar body to gain confidence in it. prior to that i was not for an open relationship at all but those comments made me feel like saying no would make me selfish and that if thats what she needs to accept herself then fine yanno. then ofc not soon after she starts e-dating this trans woman who is an abusive creep & rapist (like not even exaggerating here. but ofc those accusations were dismissed for a while bc the trans woman called the woman who came out about the abuse a terf n ppl believed that until trans women also began to call this out). i was like um hows dating someone with a diff body than u and even a diff sex going to make u feel better about ur body when thats the entire reason for the open relationship? never rly got a proper answer but whatever i let it be. then that trans woman wanted to be in a throuple with us basically like wanted to get with me and my ex and would openly fantasise about me to my ex. my ex said "oh she wouldnt be into that, shes not into penises" and the trans woman was like omg why.. :( and my ex was like oh shes penis-repulsed etc and the trans woman was like aw how sad i hope she gets help for that!! n my ex agreed. then my ex told me about this n i was like... what the fuck? it took me a bit but after a few days i was like hey this comment really pissed me off wtf do u mean gets help for that.. and my ex was saying that i should seek therapy to stop being penis-repulsed and should see trans women as women and be open to trans women in a romantic & sexual way basically and i was clearly upset by that n i was like. ur telling me to seek conversion therapy. n she was like nooo and i was like what so u mean some kind of exposure therapy against the "phobia" of penises? and she was like yeah just like that! n i said... thats literally a form of conversion therapy that was done in the past to other gay ppl.. exposing gay ppl to the opposite sex's genitals to try to change their feelings towards it is literally a conversion therapy tactic.

anyways my ex n i ultimately broke up bc it turned out the open relationship was meant to be one-sided somehow and her doing things was ok but if i did things it made me a cheater somehow and my comfort was repeatedly disregarded, i didnt like that trans woman at all at that point n my ex would still keep dating them n it was just all too many bad things at once so i was like fuck it im done w this. ultimately my ex realised that this trans woman is indeed an abuser and i also realised the my 2nd gf who i got with soon after i broke up w my ex is also an abuser. but then when my ex began to transition she started to show more of that homophobia she showed during our relationship like saying the f-slur (calling ppl that) and saying its ok bc "im a bisexual man" which was just.........erm... anyways in the end our last form of communication was her getting her friends to gang up on me for ~ruining the fun~ of a game of among us and then she talked shit about me to one of my close friends (been friends for 14 years) who she never even met and was like ~omg shes so problematic im sorry i just cant handle it anymore~ ......

anyways i feel u lmao. its not inappropriate dont worry and im sorry u went thru that too bc its painful to love someone as they are and yet they basically tell u that ur lesbianism means something is wrong w u bc ur truly not into males at all. honestly i think its best for u to end it asap instead of making the mistake i did, nothing good came out of it for me and i shouldve left for good at the first red flag which was my ex's compulsive lying about serious issues like rape & fgm, or immediately ended it when she was saying that i should go thru conversion therapy otherwise im transphobic

[scatteredcloud]

Can I get ugly for a sec ok thanks

I feel fucking awful. There are so many levels of “this is a hell of my own creation” that if I could go back in time and shoot myself exactly a year ago I would do it no question. I’ve ruined my relationship with my girlfriend over and over and over again and despite this, despite multiple attempts to break up or separate we can’t, because she lives with me, at my mom’s house, who I had to move back in with because I ruined my relationship with my former roommates. She alternately says that it’s my fault for inviting her to live with me and that she has no where else to go because she can’t move back with her parents. My mom is kicking us out by the end of the summer. We have to find somewhere else to go, and I don’t think the answer is stay living together although that’s her plan every time it comes up. Rent ain’t cheap especially not where we live but I don’t think it’s healthy to keep shoving ourselves at each other and hoping it will be fine.

She’s a lesbian, and I’m a gay genderfag, and this has been a problem since she transitioned. I emphatically support her trans-ness, but we were both very different types of queer when we started dating. At a certain point in transition, I’m having sex with a woman, which is not unbearable or anything but it’s also not something I’m particularly into. She always says that labels don’t matter and what matters is our relationship to each other, which is 5 years of significant but I can’t get her to understand that in almost every way I don’t think I’m what she needs - I’m just the most accessible. She keeps trying to subtly imply that I’m a butch lesbian to make it “work” , which again, there is nothing wrong with being a butch lesbian yes I did ugly cry at Stone Butch Blues because it spoke to me so deeply, except for the part that I’m not a lesbian!

I cook for her, I do the majority of the cleaning, but I hate doing dishes. When I cook, she does dishes and vice versa. The other day she tried to tell me that I’d “Never find a cis man who’d do the dishes for me” girl hang out with better men. She does cook and she’s gotten better at it but she’s relied on me for square meals for the past like two years. Not to mention most of her groceries while she’s been unemployed this past year. She recently got a job that she’s really happy at which is fantastic! And then she had this whole sit down with me where she told me that she really needed me to continue to be fully responsible for groceries so that she could start saving. As if I don’t need to do that also.

She’s developed this savior complex around my younger sibling which is another reason she cites for needing to stay together. My younger sibling is level 2 autistic and gets almost zero support or interaction from my mom, who’s been his primary caretaker for a long time now. They just recently became a legal adult, but have no real independence- can’t drive, not really interested in doing anything beyond Play Video Game. My parents have made it clear that they don’t have the patience to deal with them and have expected me to step up. I haven’t, for reasons that I’m ashamed of but ultimately don’t feel like I’m able to change. My gf has, and has been the most supportive and patient with my sibling. She’s objectively the best possible thing for them right now, being trans and autistic herself. Which makes it difficult to break away when my siblings well-being is something I’m meant to be responsible for.

Not even to mention the mental gymnastics she keeps trying to do about implying how my (former, got fired lol) coworkers feel about me (despite almost all of them quitting in protest when I was fired) or how she couldn’t be around my new friends because she “knows who I really am and they don’t”. What the fuck am I even supposed to make of that.

She keeps telling me that I’m not even trying to get better and she can see my mental health slipping since being out of PHP and like. Yeah since then I got fired from a job I loved had to rapidly find new employment so that we’d be able to eat under threat that my mom is trying to sell the house and through all of this through me finding not one but TWO jobs to support us in the mean time she has the gall to say that I care too much about work and haven’t been giving her enough loving attention WHILE saying all of the weird and dare I say manipulative shit mentioned above.

So maybe I have been slipping. AITA? Who knows. Shoot me.

[lillys-shadow]

Also

Ive been feeling pretty down lately.

I wrote an essay detailing a bunch of problems I've been having and how they've been fucking over my life for like the past three years. And I used DDLC to contextualize some of it, mainly because it was hugely influential in my ability to like think. emotionally. So when I send it to mother and her response is along the lines of "So... a game made you trans. Are you sure this isnt just an ADHD thing?" (which A. I have not been diagnosed for ADHD, she just has a hunch that I have it because my brother and father have it, and i have some of the characteristics commonly associated, and B. what the fuck, I just spilled the shit thats been affecting my mental health the worst and your response is "are you sure you didn't just make it up" what the actual fuck) not to mention I told her that I am trans (properly this time, instead of just going "oh hahah i have gender dysphoria thats why i wrote this entire vent piece E.P about how your attitude towards gender has fucked over my self worth" like that wasnt enough. Theres literally a song called "fault" literally saying its her fault I dont want to talk to her about things. And then "waltz of the night" which says things like "summer, what if you could die. summer, wouldnt be nice" played BACK TO BACK. And the first song being about how "summer" is just a placeholder for *me* but the gender fuckery has taken hold) and I told her I go by Lilly (she/her) I EVEN SAID THAT I WOULDN'T BE MAD IF SHE DIDN'T USE MY PROPER LABELS (mainly to soften the impact but whatever) AND SHE STILL RANTED ABOUT HOW ITS UnFaIr ThAt I bE sOmEoNe ShE dOeSnT kNoW mE aS.

And its just like, what do I even do here. So I tried to clarify the problems and she responds with "you had a bunch of contradictions, btw no amount of money could make you look like a woman" without telling me any of the supposed contradictions IF YOU HAD OF JUST TOLD ME THEM I WOULDVE CLARIFIED WHAT I MEANT OMG and acting as if passing trans women dont exist (I know passing shouldnt be the goal and its completely valid to not pass, I just want to for dysphoria reasons i guess, and I mentioned that we probably dont have the money to start HRT or a psychiatrist or to get any sort of surgery (which the latter I probably couldnt get anyway). And THEN she has the FUCKING AUDACITY to set the email to spam so I cant respond. And says "You will keep believing what you want to believe despite the evidence" (without citing a single FUCKING source of evidence, at least I quoted Judith Butler and Philosophy tube in my ramblings (I wasnt even trying to prove anything either, just that I shouldnt have to fight ma on how other people who are not her should refer to me if they tell me i need her approval)) and its like what do i even do at this point. So I shut up and just try to ignore her presence (which is really bloody hard because she and I were regularly really close). And she still hasnt brought it up, its been a goddamned week and Ive been home alone with her for three days in a row now. not a single word. I cant bring it up cause Im scared shell get mad or Ill say something incorrectly and shell use it as ammo to further fuck over my dysphoria. And Im not sure but Im like 60% sure she said something like "and then i realised, hes probably just faking it" which I shouldnt be mad about because A. im not even sure it was said B. I dont have any context C. it was said over the phone at 2am. But it was the day after I had sent it, I was absolutely fucked mentally. Like I know its not fair for me to be mad at her for, but nonetheless it still fucking hurts.

I mean not too long before (maybe a month or so) I literally thought "what if mum still thinks of me as a boy" and 3 hours later I have the worst cuts I had given myself. And now I know how it is, I know she does, and theres obviously nothing I can do. And certainly nothing I should do. And the only real emotional pillar I have had lately is my gf and I dont wanna vent too hard on her, I obviously want her to be happy (if youre reading this i love you <3), so ive felt kinda trapped idk. I swear to god the moment I turn 17 im buying a van and leaving, idrc about the specifics, just not here. (ill prolly back out of that before I turn 17 but i dont really give a fuck a girl can dream).

I gave her a quote of something she said, that was innocuous but had caused me a great deal of pain (she had told her friend that I wanted to go for "book week" as catnus everdeen because "I like attention" which was false, but also from her perspective she was talking about my goddamned whining persistance. But I took it as a judgement on the crossdressing I was dabbling in at the time (which catnus everdeen really wasnt lol but hey younger me was younger)) and her responce was "You took that out of context and youve written how it effected you in a cruel manor." and its like. THAT. WAS. THE. FUCKING. POINT. I kkknowww it was out of context, but it still fucking hurt, I only talked about it because it legitimately hurt me regardless of the actual context, and so that she doesnt do the same thing this time. AND SHE IMMEDIATELY THROWS AWAY THAT LINE OF THINKING FOR but thats not faiiir its not myy fault you misintirrpret things and its like, no its not but could you still be mindful that your words can AND WILL fuck me over if theyre not handled correctly.

I just- eugh. It would have been fine if she had of just had a conversation yknow. Like if we had've talked it out and got to some sort of conclusion. Instead of you will never think *spam*. Like I get to sit here instead with an unhealthy caffeine problem, horrible gender dysphoria, a cutting problem (both sexual and not so), and the fact that the person I looked up to most doesn't want to talk to me about the thing that has pretty much ruined my life and the steps that need to be taken to rectify those things.

Also the crippling insomnia its 3:20 now for gods sake.

[nathank77]

4/24/24

10:41 Edited/Added to

I don't want just anyone to be my gf. I want someone I share a bond with. I want something deep and meaningful. I already have that with Elise but she's married and idk how she feels about me.

All I know is I want something that is special but I want her to be in my life and be there for me and i want her to let me be there for her. As badly as I want a gf, I'm not settling. I used to go on dates with all kinds of people I didn't find attractive. I gave more people a chance but I was also willing to settle. I settled on Cecile although I did pick her. And by the time I picked her and realized what she meant to me she was already out the door and I don't want to make that mistake again.

I don't want a girl who looks "slutty." I don't want someone who I find to be ugly either. I need a cute, yet gorgeous woman. And that's hard to find. I see most women look either very unattractive or very "slutty."

I'm being overly picky for a reason, I want to raise children. I want to get married. I'm ready for the next step of my life and when I think about Katie it's like even when we were doing well there was so many reasons we weren't right together. There wasn't a bond. I did have a bond with Cecile. I didn't have one with Jon or Stacey.

And I carve that. You can't get that kind of bond with friendship. Not really anyways. It's something deep and something that can't get put into words. And even when I think back to Cecile it wasn't a super deep bond but it was as close as I've gotten except for Elise. If she was single and she showed up I believe we are soulmates.

I think my problem is I don't believe in soulmates but I'm searching for my soulmate and I think Elise is my soulmates but she isn't here. And idk if she's going to be here. I want to learn everything about her. I mean I won't eat her nasty pepper jack cheese but when we get the cheese platter it's all hers.

I want a girl who inspires me to be a better person. I want a girl who loves me despite how broken I am. I want someone who opens my soul. And I mean I still believe Elise is my soulmate but I'm not hers. Yet I don't believe in soulmates not for me anyways. Yet I won't settle and I'm going to be alone for a long time bc of that.

I feel so unsatisfied with my life bc I'm done living this like boring/useless/ purposeless life. I'm ready to settle down and raise kids. I'm ready for the whole nine yards.

I can't settle and even if Elise never showed up for me, she's someone I have to use as a comparison for what I want. There was something deep in that eye contact. There was something profound and meaningful. Why do I remember all these things she told me?

When I tried to make a like, "I love you," book for Katie, I couldn't fill it out. I was interested in her I did love her but I couldn't tell you too much about her. Part of it was she didn't share things about herself the other part was it wasn't a deep bond. I couldn't answer the questions.

Yet with Elise I remember almost everything she told me about herself. And I mean it wasn't purposeful. It was just bc I really cared and liked listening to her stories and learning about her life.

Idk I want something deep and profound. I don't just want anyone. I'm not going to settle. If I end up with someone on okcupid even as a brief date, I'm going to be serious about them. I'm not dating for fun, I'm dating to find the one..

Yet I often ask myself do bald men with glasses actually become husband's and fathers? Or is it that they get married before these afflictions happen to them and then true love already exists and it's fine bc it's just a part of life.

Then you throw trans in there and you go yea a soulmate for me? Yea right with Disability. Auditory hallucinations. Ocd. Ptsd. Panic attacks. No job.

It's like my body isn't enough for someone. It's not enough to attract someone-yet even if it was, I don't think my soul would continue to attract someone.

I have a feeling if I don't settle then I'm going to be alone forever. When is the right time to settle? What if I don't want to? What If I chose never to settle?

Cause I don't think I will. I'm very picky about who I date but I wasn't picky enough. I learned things and it wasn't a waste of time but I don't want to date someone If I don't feel my soul light up when I look into their eyes.

Idk. Maybe I'll spend my life meaninglessly alone with friends and be bored and be that 50 years old guy who never got married cause he wouldn't settle and no one would settle down with him.. not anyone who I felt something profound with. Maybe I'll never feel a true bond with someone again. Maybe I'll never feel a connection to someone again. A true connection.

If I had money I'd adopt at this point and get a house and raise a kid and give my life meaning and purpose. I mean but yea it's not in the cards.

Idk I am not settling and I don't just want anyone.

[stupid-o-clock]

i still feel shitty around my friends. i ranted about this to my best friend earlier but i want to put this here so i'll basically copy paste my feelings.

i'm gonna call my friends P & V bc typing "friend"/"other friend" etc gets confusing after a while.

i was playing huniepop bc it's a fun game when u have nothing to do, but my P saw it in my discord status and immediately dmed the gc "BRO [me] IS PLAYING HUNIEPOP" and we started arguing about it bc she thinks these type of games are weird, idc lol. if u don't like them, don't play them, why get into my business? we have the most opposite opinions on so much shit like why even bother trying to start this

she complained about genshin nsfw popping up on her tl a while ago and told me to stop liking it, no? dont interact, click "not interested", block, even unfollow me idc not like we interact much anyway. gosh

she was so much better to have as a friend before we got close, i started having this feeling recently like once i get to know someone well it becomes weird. like damn, you know my trauma and ik yours? weirdo.. bye-bye! my gf, two best friends + two also pretty close friends are the only exceptions. but that's maybe because i got to know them before i started feeling like this?

tbh with these two it always feels like they've got something against me for no reason, that "no reason" also being im a dude. with all the shit they say n do it's a really toxic women>men type thing LOL and i can never say anything bc they'd team up on me!!

i don't think i'm ever included in those messages but thats bc im trans. if i was a cis dude theyd bully me into the ground, but i dont wanna be treated diff bc im a TRANS guy, im just a guy. the trans doesnt matter. treat me the same youd treat a cis one. and if you cant then we shouldnt be friends!

now this is about V and her boyfriend, theyve got a thing like he unfriends/blocks anyone she doesnt like going on. n one night he wanted her to unf all the dudes shes friends with, including me. personally idgaf but P got really pissed about it.

P said smth like "what did we say about not controlling women in relationships?" and like.. what? V is essentially controlling her boyfriend, so why can't he do the same? P just brushed it off tho bc V is an angel! and she could never do anything bad! her bf don't know that lol?

just like how i'm deffo not a love interest for her, everyone she makes him unfriend probably also isn't! maybe she got bad vibes or whatever that's ok! but god

also P used the r-slur when going off at V's boyfriend and that just rubbed me the wrong way. she's definitely "allowed" to use/reclaim it but it feels like an awful word, AND she was using it to insult someone which makes it even worse.

i feel like i can never disagree with P either bc she'll pull a "shut up ur a man" card. like- she's done that. she's done it as a joke but she'd deffo do it in a serious manner too-

also, i got into a fight- like- not a fight but i genuinely said smth really LOL i feel bad about it but P was shit talking me to xiya and then pulled up in my dms like Hey [me] i care aout you! You fucked up but it's ok u ust have to learn how to communicate

Like what is this? u can't tell me u care about me after spewing this shit into my girlfriends dms.

"i dont go out of my way to hurt people. he needs help lol" like bitch ik i need help. i did say the "joke" with intent to hurt V but it was in the MOMENT. yk how fucking frustrating it is explaining anger issues to someone who doesn't get it whatsofuckingever?

P has a load of her own issues that i dont ge tbut i at least TRY to understand her. also, first screenshot i wanetd to explain myself so V could see where im coming from?? LOL explaining ursef =/= makinf urself the victim.

i always overexplain shit, like my mistakes and why i think i made them. im also bad at explaining so i go on and on to try and make it make sense. i was literally blaming myself for hurting V and syaing sorry over and over again, how the hell was i making myself a victim?