#she doesn't want anyone to go through that experience and misery

[moocowmoocow]

[lxvvie]

There's something about the way...

Price praises you. He encourages you to take the initiative even when he holds the reins. The battle-hardened bastard has seen so many amazing things in his life but nothing compares to the sight he sees as you succumb to yet another orgasm underneath him. And he'll do it again and again just to see you glow and come under his praises.

Gaz surprises you. Actions speak louder than words, and the man would much rather show you than he can tell you. And show you he does. You lost track of how many positions he's had you in and if you weren't so tired, you'd chuck a pillow at the cheeky bastard. You're pretty good, Gaz. Pretty. Good.

Soap worships you. You're like the fucking sun to him, something worth returning home to after every assignment. All the shit he's seen, you're a sight for sore eyes. Every flaw you think you have, he kisses it away. He'll always kiss it away. Your body is a sight to behold and he'll worship it every time.

Ghost excites you. He doesn't see how he does it, doesn't think he'll ever see it, but the intensity in his eyes, the purpose of every movement he makes, it excites you. The way he looks at you like he wants to devour you, the way he touches you even when it isn't sexual, god, it turns you on like no other. And even in the urgency of your lovemaking is Ghost still tender and considerate, everything he's always wanted but never had until you.

Alejandro soothes you. He knows all too well the pressures of life and leadership and would rather you be calmed by his touch than anything else. Every action, from the way his hands rove over your body to the words he whispers against your skin, blankets you like a soothing balm. You return the favor and you two find respite in each other's arms.

Rudy makes you laugh and makes you feel safe. He shows you how there can be humor even in passion. His quips are corny, yeah, but it suits him. And you'd have it no other way. Only Rudy can bring forth the deepest belly laughs from you while being buried deep inside you as well.

Phillip provokes you. He's a talented man through and through but the way he fucks brings out a primal need in you that you didn't realize existed. He fucks you like it's the last thing he'll ever do on this Earth and you respond with that same fervor every time.

Valeria captivates you. She is a woman who stares adversity and death in the eyes and tells them to go fuck themselves. Her presence can be felt even when she's not around and what she wants, she damn sure gets. This is what draws you to her, what has you yearning for more each and every time. And even in the midst of it all, when it's you two in the throes of sex is there a vulnerability that she doesn't dare show to anyone else, a side to her that's just as alluring as the badass you see and experience on a daily basis.

König embraces you. Because he himself wasn't embraced. Because he himself sought that same embrace. His frame, no matter how big, is comforting just the same. He's an interesting fellow with layers upon layers, each more surprising than the last it seems. Driven and focused on the battlefield, a nervous albeit eager and faithful mess outside of it. He more than makes up for it when he's with you and it's both a pity and blessing that no one, save you, experiences it.

Horangi tests you. The bastard lives life on the edge and it's no different when he's with you. The games he plays would infuriate anyone and you're pushed to the brink of orgasm and brought back every time. His fingers have you cursing and pleading with him to end your misery and let you cum―please, Horangi―but he doesn't relent. Not yet. He hasn't even gotten around to using his ace in the hole. Patience, baby.

[lurkingshan]

Unknown Episode 10

I'm back just in time to dive into this exquisite final arc of my current favorite show, and the tension is delicious. I know after last week's near death experience many of us were hoping Qian was on the brink of accepting Yuan, but the thing about Qian is he is stubborn as a mule and terrified of change. We know this about him, so we can't be surprised that he's not quite done breaking down his mental walls.

I loved how much this episode was about Qian's struggle to accept what his heart is already telling him. He knows he has feelings for Yuan. He knows he feels differently about him than anyone else, especially in comparison to his truly brotherly feelings for Lili. Qian has finally accepted that Yuan loves him romantically and always will, but he still hasn't decided whether he can fully reciprocate. His conversation with Yuan at the end of the episode was the first time we heard him admit he has feelings for Yuan, but he is still caught up in whether they are truly romantic, and how he can know that. Qian has no romantic experience to speak of and his feelings for Yuan are so singular that I can't help but empathize with him here. He is not equipped to sort this out on his own, and he's too scared to give in to Yuan lest he hurt him or their relationship by trying to change something.

Which is why that talk with San Pang was so important. San Pang is the one who interfered in their relationship in the first place, tried to talk Yuan out of his feelings, and encouraged Qian when he decided to send Yuan away. He lived with Qian all those years Yuan was away and he saw the damage the separation caused. Qian's misery without Yuan was palpable, and now that Yuan is back and his feelings are only more intense, San Pang has the wisdom (and the distance Qian doesn't) to see that fighting it any further is pointless and only going to hurt them all. He wants them to be happy more than anything else, and perhaps through coming to terms with his own feelings for Lili and navigating the change in their relationship, he has also accepted that Qian and Yuan are happiest together.

San Pang has always been Qian's confidante, sounding board, and reality check, and you could see how shaken Qian was when he finally took away the last of Qian's rationalizations. When San Pang said "be honest, did you feel empty when Yuan was away?" you could practically see Qian fighting against the last of his resolve crumbling. The way his body started to tremble and his voice shook as he tried to make San Pang understand his fear was so moving, I didn't even feel frustrated with him. We can get swept up sometimes in romance narratives and forget how monumental this kind of shift in a relationship can feel, but with Qian we can't forget it, because his fear defines every moment. I love that the show is taking this change so seriously and not rushing us through these final moments of struggle (@wen-kexing-apologist I'm gonna need 1000 words minimum on Qian's mouth twitch, nervous body language, and tears in this scene, Chris killed it). And I felt a lot for Lili in this episode, who is once again witnessing her brothers in a deadlock with each other with no one talking to her about why (though at this point I think she knows).

We end this week standing on what feels like another precipice, as the brothers are once again in tension with each other. This new health wrinkle for Qian is not a set up for a big dramatic health scare (thank goodness) but rather a symbol of that last little bit that Qian is still holding back from Yuan. I loved the way the camera lingered on Yuan's bracelet in the scene where he grabbed Qian's hand and begged to be let in; Qian is the one who gave him that reminder of their connection even as he tries to keep this last small barrier between them. But they are facing each other with everything laid bare between them now. Qian looked like he was in physical pain in that last scene listening to Yuan go on about how all his desires are one-sided and his own problem, but the way Qian reached for him may indicate that he's finally ready to admit they are in this together.

A note about episodes 11 and 12: As expected, the final two episodes have leaked early. I will be sticking to the commitment I made with some others on here to wait for the weekly airdates to post about and interact with content about these episodes. I have filtered [#unknown the series spoilers] and kindly ask that you please tag anything you post early about these episodes. I will be unfollowing and blocking people as needed who can't do this basic courtesy. I have really loved discussing this show in depth with you all and hope we can continue for a couple more weeks!

[bestworstcase]

like as much as folks talk about how V9 turned the life/death theme on its head to "reveal" that the brothers' "delicate balance" was artificial—it didn't. the lost fable SHOWED US that balance was arbitrary and mutable, the god of darkness resurrects ozma with a snap of his fingers, salem dies and rises deathless, humanity is wiped out and then returns, the god of light imposes a torturous form of reincarnation into ozma to mold him into a weapon. V9 read the subtext out loud and provided explanatory notes, is all.

and you do sort of have to read the narrative themes about death and loss and grief in context with how death works mechanically in the story, otherwise you wind up in a weird place where the point you are making in essence boils down to "being religious is arrogant and immature" by way of reading salem's petitions to the brothers for ozma's life as fundamentally contrary to the story's themes. no! she's the orpheus to a god whose desiccated heart cannot be moved by the music of grief because he cares only for rules, for order, not people!

destruction is change. death is change, as is life, because one cannot exist without the other after the brothers strip death from her, salem exists in abject misery for decades until one day she looks out her window and sees that a new city has risen there; life goes on. even the smallest spark of hope is enough to ignite change—salem knows this better than anyone. she sought death until she saw life and understood. perhaps the gods were not as powerful as they seemed; they were fallible.

she sees this:

and she hurls the sword away from herself because she has, abruptly, almost violently discovered that out there is something worth living for. something worth fighting for.

the lost fable is not objective truth—jinn tells this story through ozpin's eyes, all his mistakes and presumptions intact—and on the matter of salem's emotional interiority and motivations the telling is especially suspect. salem might have become mired forever in grief, stagnating and unable to change—but she didn't. she saw the world changing without her and wrenched herself free to take part in it. to act. to live. destruction incarnate.

notice what she did not do: try to bring ozma back to life.

she spent decades in that house, desperate to join him in death. and then she accepted that she couldn't, that wallowing in anguish miserably stabbing herself for the rest of time was pointless, so she pressed on. found something new to live for and committed herself to that cause with the same absolute devotion she gave to him. oh, she kept a faint hope alive that she might find a way to make herself mortal again, but her driving motivation was to overthrow the gods who had shown her such breathtaking cruelty and pettiness. when the gods slaughtered the world she vowed to come back, to keep trying, to keep going.

it doesn't take a lot of power to bring someone back from the dead. pietro figured out how to do it by carving out bits of his own soul, and the ambrosius experiment suggests that a soul without a body will simply manifest a new body. all you really need to do is reach across the void and pull the soul you want back to remnant—and salem has lived long enough, and certainly has enough power to have figured that out and done it if she chose to. she didn't choose to. even after she witnessed humankind rise from the ashes, she chose to let ozma remain dead until he chose to return. she understood and accepted that this was not her choice to make.

& that's what accepting death means in a world where death isn't necessarily permanent. life is for the living and it's for the dead to choose.

[glazedsnail]

It's fanfic time again.

I mean it started small but it's a long one so I'd rather send through like rapid fire like taktaktaktaktaktaktak y'know?

Nah I don't make sense to me either.

Anyway.

Misery Loved Company

ShanexOCFarmer (♀️) 18+ / swear words/substance misuse/explicit/suicide ideation/mention of abuse.

Part 1 is there, and part 2 here

Hang on a little bit more the smut is so close you can almost smell it you horndogs.

Also that's how I imagine Elliott's in his cabin wanting to go on an evening walk but he's just stuck.

And now you know why I'm not a pixel artist.

A soft gust of wind plays with his hair. I put back a slightly greying strand behind his ear. I don’t know what to expect of this evening anymore. It’s been all over the place.

‘So, uh’ he starts ‘are we like…’

‘I suppose we are.’

‘Should we drink to that?’

I giggle.

‘Might as well finish the pack, right?’

We each get a new can and enjoy it in silence, in the newfound status quo of our… relationship? We’re both in our thirties, this is laughable.

‘Thank you for inviting me out tonight. The beach was a very nice idea, I’m having a great time’

He still slightly blush, scratching his head.

‘Me too’ he finally mumbles. 

My empty stomach decides to join in so loudly it covers the waves, the wind, the distant seagulls and the crickets. 

Shane bursts out laughing. I squeeze my empty pouch hoping to make it shut the hell up. This date had not one romantic moment, this is a disaster.

‘Sorry’ I’m so darn embarrassed.

He laughs again, and it’s the most beautiful thing.

‘Y’know, we’ve not touched the pepper poppers yet’ He remarks.

‘Oh you’re right. Lemme just’ I grab the tightly sealed tupperware and a note falls from its lid. I hand the recipient to Shane.

This is Emily handwriting:

“If it doesn't work out with Shane I can hook you up. Shouldn’t be too hard :)”

My eyes blink fast. What the hell does she mean? Why the fuck did she think this would be a good idea? I quickly crumple the paper.

‘What’s that?’ Shane asks, in the middle of a pepper.

‘Nothing, some nonsense from Emily.’ 

I try to shove the crumpled paper in my pocket but miss. He takes the opportunity and grabs the piece.

‘Let me have a read.’

No please Yoba no. Not after everything. Why is the universe so against Shane and I enjoying an evening together? These past hours start to feel like weeks. I try to snatch it back but he stands up.

‘No!’ I cry as I follow him up, grabbing him by the arm with all my newfound farmer might.

‘Is it girl talk you’re embarrassed about?’ He laughs, keeping the small piece of paper away from me. I’m desperate to get it back. ‘Ouch!’ I just bit his arm. ‘You’re completely nuts!’ He yells, massaging his arms with the slight imprint of my teeth. 

‘Please Shane, give it back!’

I cannot let him read this nonsense. He’d take it to heart. I know I would. I don’t want a hook up, I never wanted a hook up in my life. I don’t want anyone else. I do not want anyone else. I want to taste his lips again, I want to experience the weight of his body against mine, wake up in the morning and watch him sleep peacefully, kiss him every chance I get, feel his stubble between my thighs. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t need anyone else, I need him. Just him.

‘Oh shit Fern are you ok?|’

I fell face first in the sand. He lifts me up as I cough some sand out of my mouth.

‘That was quite a fall.’ He pats the sand out of my legs.

‘I guess running on three beers isn’t of my age anymore. Where’s the note?’ 

‘Right here.’ He holds the crumpled note between two fingers, above my head. 

‘Can you please give it to me? Please?’

‘What’s so embarrassing, c’mon, it can’t be that bad.’ He laughs and unfolds it. I bury my face in my hands. Between my fingers I can see his smile slowly disappearing.

‘Shane, it’s’

He lifts a finger towards me to stop me and I shut up. My throat hurts so much, there’s so much I want to say. It’s all stuck in there. His smile is gone. He looks furious.

Without a word, he swiftly walks towards the blanket and starts picking things up.

‘Shane I know how it looks but please I beg you, stop.’

‘What? You read the note. It’ll be easy to find you another hook up. I don’t doubt it myself the way you can twist people around your finger.’

‘It’s not what I want!’

‘Or another relationship, why do I care.’

‘I did not ask Emily to hook me up, she was just being silly, I don’t know I… There’s no “if it doesn’t work with Shane”, please. Please! You have to believe me.’

I try to stop him from packing but fail miserably.

‘I did believe you Fern, that was my first mistake. I believed your insistence came from a genuine place, that there could be such a thing as an “us”. Even believed someone like me could be…Shit, leave me alone Fern.’

‘No.’

‘Move from the blanket.’

‘No.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous. Move.’

‘I will not move unless you hear me out.’

‘Oh that’s just precious. You’re going to try and use your stupid words to twist me around like you did the whole evening, all the times you were ever talking to me, aren’t you? It’s never been about me, just about grabbing an easy cock for the night? Or get some high on saviour complex? Do you think you’re the first one I meet?’

‘Do you hear yourself?!’ I snap, still intimidated by his raised voice. ‘If I wanted a cheap fuck I would have stayed in the city. If I wanted no substance I wouldn’t have been so vulnerable with you. Are you going to judge me based on a silly note instead of all we’ve been through? I like you Shane. A lot. Fuck. A LOT! Yeah, this date could have ended with us fucking, who knows? Who knows with this damn date anymore. But you know why it’d have happened? Not because I want to fuck, but because I want you. I wouldn’t even care if all you ever wanted was a cheap fuck or wanted me cause I’d be happy, stupidly happy, to have you, even for one night. Just you, you, Shane. Do you understand? I’m not the hook up type, never have and never will but I just lo…like you so much.’

‘Aren’t you tired of your big speeches by now?’

I am furious.

‘Shane, look at me. Look at me in the eyes.’ I grab him by the hoodie. I’m trembling, keeping my tears at bay as much as I can. ‘I choose to believe you trust me enough to know I could never lie to you. I know this means nothing. You know, I met the saviour type. the fixing crowd. I know them. The one that takes pride in being part of your recovery while putting you down enough so you're stuck thinking you can't improve without them, that you'll never do or be any better. Don’t you dare take me for one of them. I know you can't believe I'm like that. ’

He averts my gaze. I gently place my hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at me again, slowly caressing the roughness of his stubble.

‘You’re trying really hard aren’t you?’

‘Trying what? I simply hate being misunderstood, misperceived. Hell, at the best of times I hate being perceived at all.’

‘You weren’t too concerned about being perceived by me of all people.’

‘I don’t have any explanation for this. I could try my whole life to explain why I need you.’

My voice has gotten lower, so has his. He grabs my hand still resting on his cheek and lowers it down. I try to get closer but he grabs me by the waist. He reaches my chin and rests his thumb on my lower lip. His eyes fall into mine. I can see he’s scared. I know his grief.

He calmly blinks, his eyes now looking softer.

The candles are almost down to the wick. Their flickering lights send stripes through his conflicted face. I can’t remember when was the last time I took a breath. His hand steadily goes from my waist to my back and, in a defeated groan, he pulls me towards him and kisses me.

My legs are going to give in. I grab the back of his head and kiss him back.

‘Fern’ he starts, leaving my lips.

‘Please, kiss me again.’

He tightens his embrace, not waiting to be asked twice. I part my lips, use my tongue to part his and taste him. His kisses are incredibly soft. His hands on my body are making me shiver and lose complete control. I let my hips roll towards his bulge. He wants me, he can have me. I want to give myself to that man over and over again. I want him, no, need him, to fill me up with sin. 

‘Shane...’ I whisper in a lustful voice.

‘Fuck.’ he answers.

He carries me down the abandoned blanket. I gasp as his hips fall between my open legs, making me arch my back.

‘I want you.’ I manage to say.

He buries his face in my neck and starts kissing the tender skin, gives it a nibble, and bites into it as he hears my moans growing in his ear. 

That’s when the rain decides to start heavily falling on us.

[lucreziagiovane]

Hi, so this question suddenly popped up in my mind and I can't stop thinking about it. And since you're my favourite The Borgias blogger, I've decided to ask you.

Do you think Juan ever learned any details about Lucrezia's first marriage? Did he know or suspect what a horrible experience it was for her? Like, the way her divorce with Sforza was brought to pass, he should've had some questions, right? I just wonder... Did he try to talk to Lucrezia and she refused? Did it became another point of disconnect between them & on contrast with her and Cesare becoming even closer no less? It must've hurt him a great deal.

I don't know where I'm going with this, it's just a speculation really but I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter. Thanks <333

first, it makes me happy that i'm one of your favorite borgia blogs anon so thank you <33

now let's get into the answer;

i don't think juan ever knew tbh? aside from that interesting moment when he and cesare were welcoming sforza to the vatican, and juan couldn't even hide his disgust while he was saying the part "and our sister shall soon be yours" to giovanni, which says a lot that he's as displeased as cesare with lucrezia's marriage, but they have no choice but obey their father, obviously lol

also, knowing how protective juan gets and always in attack mode when someone wrongs or tries to have their way with her or their mother, even with misguided notions. for instance, he attacked his mother's husband after he called her 'dear', because he took it as an offense and triggered his fight-or-flight instinct to protect her and defend the family's honor (likely also to cover up his insecurity about potentially not being a borgia, but born of a peasant).

similarly, when juan and lucrezia were hanging out and paolo got very close to her, juan felt defensive of his, to quote juan, "angelic sister", like a guard dog. his aggressiveness is also because he was forced into the role of the family's protector and took it to the extreme to prove himself a true borgia. he rightfully saw paolo as a threat who wanted to sabotage his sister and cause her a scandal, unlike cesare who knew that paolo was a source of solace to lucrezia while she was suffering from her husband's abuse.

now let's circle back to if juan knew about giovanni sforza and how he treated lucrezia or or not. i don't think he ever did because lucrezia doesn't confide in anyone but cesare. everything juan does for lucrezia to make her happy just, unfortunately, backfires - like the play he directed for her wedding that ended up making her husband angry and assaulting her, or his attempt to protect her from someone he thought wanted to take advantage of her, or the panther he brought her to win her respect but that ended up biting her. their disconnection is a main theme about their dynamic.

he adores his mother and she seems fond of him, but she doesn't see her son's pain as they're not that connected, unlike how vanozza is with lucrezia and cesare. and his father indulges him only to use him as someone whom he relives his youth through, yet keeps him out of everything while pressuring him with massive expectations and threatening him with cesare's hypercompetence. he's always clashing with cesare, yet tried to elicit some sort of admission or expression of brotherly love from him, only to be told directly that he doesn't like him much.

at the end of the day, juan is a very lonely and sad person who has fallen into hedonism as an escape from his misery, because he does not feel genuinely liked or included by his family for who he is since he doesn't measure up to his family's standards no matter how hard he tries. to reference what david oakes said, his family were just picking up on him and hypocritically judging him when he genuinely does what he thinks is right for the people he loves so much and wanted to be included with; he always had their best interests at heart, but they've always pushed him away.

he was obviously very flawed as a person, and sometimes he's short-sighted and a dangerous combination of reactive behaviors and rage. also, losing his sister's respect forever for something he thought was good for her made him lose all faith in love, compassion, and even sanity, since he considered her an ideal of those terms. and when he tried one last time to confess to his brother and give his heart to him, he met his untimely fate.

[xelasrecords]

Greatest Kindness

Han Jumin x Reader

A breakup doesn't have to be filled with anger, tears or regret to be awful. One of the worst kinds is the quiet one, where the love has died for one side, and the other cannot do anything but accept it.

Wedding Scene can be read as the continuation of this.

Words: 1.7k

Masterlist Read on AO3

-

It began like this: a boy fell into a trance upon hearing a girl's voice. The girl spoke so little, yet meant so much. She spoke so little, but it was everything she could say to sustain his attention. She didn't know she didn't have to do anything to make him focus on her, not when he had fixed his needle-sharp awareness on her since the beginning.

She would do anything to prolong her time with him. He knew. And he let her.

"Han-Ju-min. Like this?"

"I didn't expect you to say my name. You're quite bold for someone new."

"A name is just a name."

"Not when it comes to mine."

A nervous laugh. "So, how's my voice?"

"Let's see, how should I put it? Some people's voice is like the sound of glass being smashed. It irritates the eardrum. However, yours floats above it. It's soothing and fine, as pleasant as Elizabeth the Third's meows. Simply put, it doesn't bother me and I wouldn't mind listening to it again."

This time, he also knew she would let him go. And he would let her.

It was the last thing he could do to make her happy.

-----

Jumin could feel the ending coming as you made your way to him. A kind of premonition, your gait was. He had felt it when his birth mother bade her final farewell. No kisses, no hugs, just a simple command to stay put. Never once did he expect her to come back. He was easy to abandon and he understood that early on. The love extended to him somehow always had an expiration date.

This wasn't all that different.

The opposite of love was indifference. If it hurt you to leave him, that meant you still loved him. But it also meant you were all the crueller for abandoning the person you loved. If it did not, then you were the opposite of Jumin.

In this case, love was synonymous with hurt. That statement alone should be the reason for your breakup, because why would anyone equal love with pain? But there was no right course to choose. Every path led to misery. You simply opted for the quickest one. Gravels cut through your bare feet, but Jumin would be safe from the storm that followed you wherever you went. Block off the passage, and he wouldn't be able to follow you.

You were nothing like Jumin.

You stood before him. Countless mornings you had stood like this when you adjusted his tie and hugged him before he left for work. You had stood like this when your eyes were heavy with sleep and he came to you, kissed your forehead and informed you that breakfast was ready.

"Pancake again?"

"Do you prefer something else? Just tell me what you want and I'll ask the chef to draft the recipe."

"That's fine. I like your pancakes. In fact, why don't we make some together next time?"

"You always produce brilliant ideas. That'd be a great way to spend quality time together. Come eat now, darling. You don't want to be late."

There was no next time.

Jumin standing before you hollow-eyed was beautiful, agonising, untouchable. It was a memory you would use to beat yourself up in the future. You loved him once, you remembered. But it was just a recalling of a feeling. You didn't know how to feel it again.

You couldn't find your voice.

"I know," Jumin said, beating you to it.

He always knew your mind.

"Let me say it anyway."

"Do you have to?"

You nodded.

"Are you doing this because you want to make it feel real?"

"It's been real for a while now." Your expression was so contrite that he wanted to decline hearing it even more.

Jumin shook his head but kept his eyes on you. He wanted to commit everything about you into his memory before he lost you forever. It wouldn't be long now. Everything he loved had an expiration date. Losing them multiple times did not make the experience less harrowing.

You took a deep breath, but it didn't help you breathe easier. "I don't love you anymore. I'm sorry."

"I know that too."

The silence stretched, the distance pushed you far, far away from him. You did it. You'd done it, so why wasn't there relief in your heart? You felt nothing, as if nothing had suffused into your bones a long time ago, unnoticeable until it choked you and became you and that was all you were now.

If you touched him for one last time, would he flinch? You wanted to, but you weren't that cruel. The hurt you inflicted on him was enough to last for a lifetime. His life had meant nothing before you, and he couldn't fathom if it could mean anything after you.

Jumin, Jumin, Jumin. The way you called out his name still echoed in his ears. When was the last time you said it with affection? How could he have forgotten? It used to be an everyday routine until suddenly, your tone went cold. He couldn't detect the exact moment he started to lose you. He wasn't sure he wanted to.

His memory was a quality he was proud of until this second.

But really, you weren't cold. In other people's eyes, you might be, but you could never stop caring. Not with Jumin. You just stopped loving, like a radio winding down. Words constantly repeated would lose their meaning. This was the same.

At least, that was what you convinced yourself.

"This isn't how love stories end in soap operas." Jumin's voice cracked. His last attempt to salvage the relationship. Hold my hand, his reluctant arm gesture seemed to say. Hold me.

You wished you could cry, but you couldn't. There was no love left for him. You felt wretched for wrecking him, but it was better than forcing him to stay with someone who could no longer cry for him.

"Say my name," he pleaded.

"Jumin," you complied.

"Tell me you love me."

"I thought you prefer painful truths over comforting lies."

"Just because it's no longer a truth doesn't mean I cannot pretend it is. It used to be one, so please."

You nodded in understanding. "I love you."

It was a sentence devoid of anything. Jumin cracked inside. Funny how a weightless thing could damage him so greatly.

You wavered between walking to the door and embracing him one last time. The deed was done. You should go before he fell apart. You knew he would. Then, he would fill the gaping space with mindless distractions, trying to shape it back into something akin to you, or something opposite of you. Wine or work, those were his vices. He would become the robot he despised to be.

"You should leave," Jumin said, but his heart chanted for you to stay for another night. Just one more night. Just tonight. He could show you how he was still worthy to be loved and your love would be reignited. Then everything would be fine.

"I should." If he begged you to stay, maybe you would. But it would be out of sympathy, and it would only hurt him more in the end. Nothing was going to change your heart. You wouldn't be here if your heart were so changeable.

Everything felt jarring. Perhaps after you got out of this penthouse, the gravity of your action would dawn on you and you would break. You had loved him, after all. You never hated him, so nothing could take away the fondness you reserved for all the goodness that was Jumin.

"You've been so good to me." You were delaying your departure. This, he knew.

"You deserve everything good. Maybe you'll find it in someone other than me, although I confess I do not want it to be so."

"And there will be another person who can love you better."

"Not if I can help it. And I can."

You wanted to step closer to Jumin. You stayed still. "Don't be so ruthless to yourself."

"I'd rather keel over for you than live in idiotic happiness with someone else." Jumin moved towards you, languidly, grievously, with none of the confidence he normally contained.

"Foolish happiness is still happiness," you breathed out.

"I don't want to love a beautiful fool when I've known what your exceptional mind can bring."

You used to be his strength, but now you were his weakness.

There was nothing left to say. Jumin's eyes were streaked with red, brimming with unshed tears and you had to battle your instinct to lean in and wipe them away. It was not your place anymore, and that was your own doing.

Jumin would not let the tears fall. If he cried, he knew it would be harder for you to go. You always had a soft spot for him. Even when you had stopped loving him, Jumin never doubted your sincerity and concern. You were such a good person. He didn't want you to crumble when all you wanted was to leave. Even when it hurt, he still wanted to make things easier for you.

Watching him break down. That was your vice.

Jumin closed his eyes and nodded, allowing you to leave. You were not unfeeling, so you gave him the grace to grieve alone. You turned around. Jumin thought he was giving you freedom. You suspected you just threw yourself into another hell, but that could only be confirmed after this was over. Your footsteps against the cold marble floor had never sounded so loud.

He had loved you for a very long time, and you had undone him in a very short time. Where you left him, he would forever stay. The door loomed before you. You would not look back. You would not look back. You would not—

Oh, look at the destruction you had caused. He was broken, and so alone.

-

Footnotes:

Just like how Jumin knew you were prolonging your time to talk to him more in their first call, he knew you were purposely delaying your time to leave. From the start until the end, Jumin had always known you.

Beautiful fool is a reference to The Great Gatsby.

Somehow I cannot write simple mindless drabbles because I keep looking for themes and motifs to connect the big picture. The motif here is voice as the first nudge towards your relationship and the absence of it as the element that breaks it. Silent understandings also play a big role.

I debated whether to put Jumin in deep denial and beg you to give him another chance, but I don't think he'd do that when he already knew you'd fallen out of love before you brought it up. He'd still try, but he also knew it would be futile. Ultimately, he wants you to be happy, even if it's in the form of letting you go.

The first time Jumin said "the love extended to him somehow always had an expiration date", it was a reluctant youthful belief. The second time he repeated "everything he loved had an expiration date", it was a firm statement. His belief was cemented when you fell out of love with him.

[caliburn-the-sword]

cress thoughts and reactions

this was originally gonna be just one post for the first 7ish chapters but i have SO many thoughts as i tend to at the start of books, compared to the end where i want to race through the action and not write down every reaction, so i ended up having to split this in two. basically what i was reading during class time at school (no one tell my teachers) and then what i read when i got home to procrastinate homework lmao

HOLY SHIT SHE'S ALREADY MEETING THE GANG WHAT i thought it would take AT LEAST 5 more chapters

FSKDFSDKUHCNS she is so delulu and obsessed with thorne it's giving me second hand embarrassment i LOVE it. girlypop thinks she's in a romance novel thinking he's gonna have instalove

"Is that all hair?" coming from mr flirts with everything that moves, that's HILARIOUS. REJECTION. poor cress but unfortunately i find her misery hilarious

damn thorne is NOT holding back in his description of her hair LMAO. he fucking killed her no mercy. NOW i feel bad

"wing nut" scarlet tf kind of insult IS THAT. still love it. this is being integrated into my vocab as we speak

cress is hiding under a desk she's so socially awkward (just like me fr)

personally just from where we're starting i actually hope that it's just a silly schoolgirl crush that cress gets over and she gets to have real experiences, meet a whole bunch of people, and that she ends up being friends with thorne. it would be nice to not have romance as the answer for EVERY single character

i already have ALL the respect and admiration for priya. i need to stop getting attached to random side characters but i can't help loving her already. she was introduced spectacularly well

"Restraining a melodramatic sigh (…) He knew he was being childish" no actually?? kai is being entirely reasonable here. he's literally about to be in a child marriage and gonna be assassinated and his dad is dead and he's handing his country over and then there is gonna be a world war. he has every right to be upset

if no one knows who cinder's father is then we're DEFO gonna get a reveal. especially because we already know the lunars are non monogamous then it could be ANYONE

again i LOVE the dramatic irony of kai thinking cinder's trying to find princess selene. i mean i guess in a sense that WAS what cinder was trying to do

OMG ERLAND CHAPTER. I RECKON WE'VE GOT A REVEAL INCOMING (note: i was right and i'm a genius)

"ballyhoo" ERLAND I LOVE YOU. silly old man

I FUCKING KNEW IT THAT CRESS WAS ERLAND'S DAUGHTER - but WHY was she kept alive without his knowledge?? i don't need sleep i need ANSWERS

also makes sense that erland was behind the wolf genetic engineering thing which also links him to wolf

love the detail of erland glamouring himself to be taller. so real

SYBIL'S CHEEKBONES MADE OUT OF PIPES FKSHFSDKH all of erland's inner monologue is literally so humorous. slayed

but is letumosis mutating?? or have levana's people started engineering it for biological warfare to make kai more likely to go forward with the marriage in want of a cure?? usually i'd agree that the disease can mutate but the timing is just extremely suspicious, cause otherwise the best thing in writing would have been for peony to catch the mutated strain to give higher stakes to cinder

the opera singing shower scene - cress is such a DRAMA QUEEN and i LOVE her

i'll say this once and i'll say it again: scarlet is such a girls girl. looking out for poor cress and they haven't even met in person yet + she doesn't even know if it's a trap. i adore scarlet

knowing what i know about thorne now part of me reckons that the big softie just wants to use the reward money for philanthropy

iko is a ~material girl~

"young, semi-cute ones" remembering that thorne is 20, HOW old is cress. uh oh. ew. remembering cinder's age makes it a double uh oh since she and cress should be about the same age. disappointed because the rest of their interactions were totally chill and he didn't seem to have any real interest

i love how thorne is completely unable to take sybil seriously but also i'm freaking out like he's so unprepared cause he thinks the others are coming to help. he's fucked

holy shit the sat is crashing. talk about thorne "falling out of the tower" when he tried to rescue the princess

I LOVE THAT SCARLET WAS WATCHING HIM DOCK JUST LIKE HE WISHED FSKHFSDHK

wolf is an idiot WHY would he come down istg if he gets controlled i'm gonna smash my head in (note: he got controlled. since i need my braincells for homework i will make a raincheck on smashing my head in)

@eddisfargo @francforever @winterrhayle @winterpinetrees

[whump-world]

Could you do something with strangulation? Not a creepy/intimate whumper, but one who knows whumpee well anyways (perhaps even from before the whump started!). And maybe the whumpee has played around with strangulation before in a more intimate setting, and hates the contrast/that they're in genuine danger and might actually asphyxiate? No names, just Whumper and Whumpee please.

heck yeah i can write this. ik i said no specificity is fine in my post but damn i do love some rules to work with. thank you for the prompt!!!! <3 enjoy.

(TW: strangulation, throwing up, mentions of character death, suicide idealization, manhandling).

Whumpee knows there's no rule about running in the hallways, but he doesn't put it to the test, despite wanting to find his room as soon as possible and hide.

The mission went wrong. Lives were lost.

At least one person on the team must think it should have been whumpee buried underneath the rubble.

The stinging hotness in his eyes starts to travel down his body until he gives up and removes his jacket. The relief is short-lived. Whumpee sees someone waiting for him at his door.

"Whumper..."

Whumper, who had been looking into the distance, jerks his head to the side, red eyes locking onto whumpee's own. "She didn't come back."

"I'm sorry," whumpee says, slowing down to a stop. "It's my fault."

Sniffling, whumper rubs his nose. "We were going through a rough patch, but I... we... marriage was on the table."

Whumpee fingers clench around his jacket.

"You said you would keep her safe," whumper says, taking a step towards him.

Face to face, whumpee can see the throbbing vein on whumper's forehead, his jaw working to hold down a sob.

"I know how you feel—"

Whumper grabs him by the collar and throws him against the wall. "You don't know shit."

"I was there, remember?"

"Then why didn't you save her?" he yells. "I trusted you."

Whumpee is about to push him away when whumper seizes his throat. The shock grants him a tiny moment to gasp and take a breath, but it only made whumper squeeze harder.

His jacket falls to the ground. Whumpee uses both hands to claw at whumper, already feeling light-headed. He knows what'll happen next. His knees will become weak, he'll start seeing black spots and a horrible pain will suffocate him from within.

The experience only makes it all the more frightening when his friend stands before him, wanting all of it to happen.

"Whu-mper, s-stop."

"The others were right."

Whumper lets go, and whumpee crumbles. Folding in on himself, his nails sink into his neck as if he could scratch out the burning pain that won't stop. Whumpee doubles over and hurls.

"Don't talk to me ever again."

Whumpee probably needs medical attention. Breathing hurts. Speaking hurts. If he could slit his throat to put himself out of this misery, he would.

Would anyone come get him if he dies here?

[nozomijoestar]

Took me a while to realize but I can see similarities in how Asuka seems to process grief and how Guts from Berserk also processed his grief after the Eclipse. They both get so overwhelmed by the wrong that happened to them (father's hospitalization vs the Eclipse and a lifetime of misery) their reaction isn't to seek comfort in others or help/protect their loved one who needs them after the tragedy, it's to go off and inflict their pain on others to self soothe, as if that'll release the feeling from their minds.

The difference is that Guts was called out for this by Rickert and Godo. He needed to snap out of wanting to prioritize ridding his own pain to remember Casca needed him, and that Casca even in the state she was in was all the good in his life who went through the same experience with him. Guts had to remember he loves Casca more than he wants to self destruct. Like Godo told him he was a sword called fear with cracks in it. He feared sitting with his pain and grief and seeing it on the person he loved after so much violation. He feared vulnerability.

Asuka doesn't do this reevaluatation and has no one to call her out for her self destructive coping canonically. She can't sit with anything bad or face looking at it on a loved one either. That's too bad and helpless of a feeling. She's just as much made of fear (primarily from any helplessness as much as violations of her inner ethics) which fuels her anger, but her one personal attachment to her father who needs her isn't enough to make her want to reevaluate what she does at all. Instead his tragedy is the permission she needs to self destruct and destroy in the process, not like Guts who always told himself everything was for Casca and the fallen Hawks, who always reminded himself of the pain to justify the bloodletting.

Unlike Guts I think she'd be stubborn even accepting to listen to someone pointing her behavior out. Though her anger toward Feng did start out carrying a reminder this vengeance is for Dad even if it kills her in 5, even in 5's branching narratives that excuse falls apart when she continues in the tournament for her own pleasure during her route. The moment vengeance is achieved critically injured Dad is out of her mind. Her behavior during 6 repeats this process, preferring to hurt herself and others rather than sit to process a shitty feeling over her and the world's situation. Like Guts in this state she pushes away anyone and everyone else including any comforts because the anger isn't resolved, the fear isn't resolved, the pain isn't resolved.

They're both used to everyone being against them and having to fight for survival until they found joy in it as a side effect. And because of that independence born from isolation when something like the tragedies that happened takes place they put resolving their pain not on sharing with others but into scorching the earth along with themselves.

I don't say this either to imply they're exactly alike or that they have enough similarities to make a true character comparison because they absolutely don't. There's also some stuff I'm leaving out simply because Guts is a far more complex character in ways where there's nothing from Asuka to compare against (I would say Kazuya is the closest, more fitting Tekken comparison for substituting Guts vs Asuka style notes). I just find it interesting that even across wildly different stories the outline for an angry, self destructive, terrified person who thinks self destruction makes them strong and puts them in control uses a lot of the same foundation. And the contrast in their depths really shows how far you can push the concept depending on what you want or need for the character.

[sanctified-sanctuary]

⋆♱⋅⟡⋅♱⋆ @hopeharmed ⋆♱⋅⟡⋅♱⋆ 〝When people see good, they expect good. I don't want to have to live up to anyone's expectations.〞/ evangeline & nemesis perhaps ? {Nemesis 🙴 Evangeline}

 A bar, well a speakeasy more like, built for society’s monsters to share in one another’s company. It’s here that Evangeline has wandered into, going through the mundane friendly portion of the establishment to find solace in the exclusive and well hidden backrooms. Nemesis happened upon her some hours ago after finishing her own business elsewhere, though her company is never turned away.

 Theirs is an easy friendship, unlike the animosity shared between her sire and Nem, Eve was able to come to a quick understanding of the woman. With their backgrounds of pain and abuses creating a steady foundation for connection between the two women, it was only a matter of time before either suggested more informal meetings- hangouts.

 Shared is their misery, much this night the same as Nemesis bares her heart- or at least a portion of it- in the serene presence of an empty corner booth. Eve's white fur discarded into the seat next to her, sat across from her partner for the evening, ginger hair perfectly tousled in the tight cropped cut that's a mix between a bob and a grown out pixie.

〝Well I for one don't think you need to do any of that. The only beings around long enough to have expectations are few and far between, you practically just blink and they've gone on to their final sleep.〞

 Though Evangeline has hardly the full experience or knowledge of the life Nemesis once lived, it isn't difficult to surmise from past conversations with both her and Salvatore- albeit through proxy of Valentine half the time- that Nem doesn't hold many close these nights. Perhaps once upon a time she did have plenty of friends and confidants, but it's obvious she prefers her own company.

〝I used to think that way too when I still drew breath, it was exhausting. Of course I haven't at all shaken the habit, but Valya has helped loosen those chains so incredibly much,〞 she's full aware the reaction even their name will evoke, but who's to say that isn't purposeful teasing?

[mysoftboybensolo]

My Completely Unasked but Needed Review of BBC's Dracula "The Dark Compass" Subplot

I had no real interest in watching the BBC's Dracula, especially since I heard not so good things from it, but after seeing the post by @luanna801 (x) I was compelled since Jack is one of my favorites from Dracula and I'm growing an interest in the actor Matthew Beard. So I figured I watch "The Dark Compass" with all the Jack/Lucy bits, and, well, there's a lot to discuss here. Warning, very long post, please bear with me, I have a point.

Storyline:

Now set in the modern day, we see Jack getting ready in his house, ignoring the Jonathan Harker foundation, but picks up when he sees Lucy is calling him. She says that he can bring someone with him to the club tonight, and we see that they are clearly not in a romantic relationship, despite Jack having her picture as his home screen. A shot to Lucy in her own room taking selfies, ignoring her mother who is calling for her.

Jack arrives at the club alone, and has hearteyes for Lucy, who is dancing. She then introduces her friends to Quincy Morris, an American from Texas, and he's rich. Jack and Quincy talk, where we find out Jack is a student and junior doctor, wanting to specialize in mental health. Quincy doesn't seem to really care much for Lucy, saying he probably wouldn't be interested in her if she was not pretty, the same why she probably wouldn't be interested in him if he was poor. Outside, Zev, a gay friend of Lucy, tells her that he thinks she's a bit mean to Jack, who is clearly is in love with her, and she responds coldly. He tries to make Jack feel better, but after seeing Quincy propose, Jack accepts the call from the Harker foundation.

He is a student of Zoe Van Helsing, who suggested to him being part of the program for easy money to help his schooling, and they are debriefed on Dracula's return. Dracula is released from their custody because of lawyer Renfield, and Dracula steals Jack's phone, starting a conversation with Lucy. Now on her bachelorette party, Lucy decides she'll met Dracula, disregarding the fact that she is getting married real soon. They have a discussion of death, and Lucy is so disinterested in death that Dracula is drawn to make her a bride.

Jack is called by Zev to check on Lucy as she refuses to see doctors, and he sees the bite marks, informing Zoe. Lucy dies, and is cremating, which is something Dracula warned her about. Zoe and Jack confront Dracula, and Lucy turns up, unaware that she is no longer the beautiful young woman she was, but a horribly burned shell of herself. Jack, who was at first shocked and frightened at an undead Lucy, offers to kiss Lucy, reminding her that he had loved her and would always love her. They kiss and she feels the wooden stake in his hands, but rather than being upset, she begs him to kill her, and does, ending her misery. Dracula is mildly annoyed at her death, calling her an experiment, but Jack tells him that Lucy was never Dracula's or even Jack's. Zoe then, realizing what Dracula's weakness is, tells Jack to go, and despite his initial refusal, he goes when he sees the sun rising, leaving the place, saying "It's going to be a beautiful day."

Questions/Comments:

Ok, so this was, not great. Jack, played by Matthew Beard, was great, and it is such a shame that a Jack this good is in a plot line that is so bad. And really, the biggest flaw is in Lucy's character. In the book, Lucy is a sweet, innocent, and loving individual who hates to make anyone unhappy, but here, she is the total opposite of that. Something I can give Coppola's version of Lucy is that, while she is a flirt/promiscuous, is that she is at least kind. She cares deeply for Mina, is kind to her two other suitors and doesn't make them feel bad for not choosing them, but BBC's Lucy is so mean for no reason. She treats Jack poorly which made me wonder why he is so in love with her, especially since she barely takes note of him through the episode unless it's to laugh at him. This is not the fault of the actress, I think the actors were good, it's just their characters were so poorly written.

I am not saying Lucy owes Jack anything, but she is so mean about his feelings that it really bordered on bullying. I also am confused by the nature of their relationships. They are friends, but they slept together, but they still are hanging out? Is this an allosexual thing that am not getting? I wished that there was some explanation of how they were friends and exactly why he continues to hang out with her, even if it was for a sad, pathetic reason.

I also hated what they did to Quincy, because in the book he was a good character and, like Jack, loves her but respects her choice to choose Arthur. Here, he's a jerk who only seems to care about Lucy because she's beautiful and leaves immediately after her funeral back to America. The only nice characters in this segment was Jack and Zev, and they really got the short end of the stick here.

The one thing I can say I liked was the switch in the end with the "Bloofer Lady". In the book, when Lucy comes back, the children she attacks refer to her as "Bloofer Lady" and subverted expectations here was nice, but the build up to it was not great, because they were expecting the audience to care about her.

Changes I'd Make:

Keeping the general plot line, here is what I would have done. Have Lucy call Jack and instead of saying he's stalking her because he's being sentimental (weird, but whatever) have her be nicer to him, maybe asking if he's tired and if work is draining him, he doesn't have to come, but he insists because she wants him there. Have her not be aware that he has romantic feelings for her until the end, and she just thinks he's just being a great friend. Then we can keep Lucy being an influencer, but is unhappy about how people around her only see her as a pretty face, and not seeing her as anything more. Taking a cue from @forthegothicheroine make Mrs. Westenra be a bit antagonistic by fueling Lucy's insecurity by saying how she doesn't have to go to school when she could just marry a rich man, an easy thing for her since she's so pretty.

When Jack does to the club, have Lucy be so happy he's there, and introduce Quincy to everyone. Have it be that she and Quincy have been talking and having a long distance relationship and they finally met in person. The talk between Jack and Quincy can reveal more of the relationships the men have with Lucy. Maybe Jack met Lucy in college where he was a tutor to her and they grew to be friends. Quincy and she met on a dating app and although it's been three months, Quincy is nuts about her. Imagine their relationship being similar to the typical high school quarterback with the head cheerleader, but while they look like a good couple, one of them is not really happy because they want more. This would make Quincy a lot nicer, where he is misguided in what he believes Lucy is and loves her for that.

Zev sees that Jack is in love with Lucy, and tries to comfort him, even suggesting that he say something, considering that Lucy and Quincy have only dated for a short time, can't be serious. But then Quincy proposes, and Jack, disheartened, goes to the Harker foundation. Dracula still steals his phone, but instead of Lucy talking to him as a flirt, she has a one conversation with him, and intrigued, Dracula stalks her through her social media and sees she is out with her friends for her bachelorette party and goes to find her.

Lucy, having a moment of panic, realizing she really does not love Quincy and is only marrying him because everyone is expecting it of her and he is a good man, but he really doesn't know her, goes outside for fresh air. She meets Dracula, and feeling like she wants to escape, maybe wants to die, Dracula offers her the way out. Zev finds her, and asks Jack to check in on her. Let there be a nice moment between them, where Lucy is appreciative and sorry to drag him into this, but he dismisses her worries and checks on her. Seeing the marks he calls Zoe and Lucy dies.

After the funeral, Jack checks in on a distraught Quincy, who is devastated by her death, can't bear to stay in England so decides to return home, but says that if Jack's ever in America to look him up (which would be a nice reference to the friendship in the book). Keep Lucy being burned and meeting with Dracula, but have her interactions with Jack and Zoe a lot nicer. She'd say how happy she was to see Jack and be introduced to Zoe, who she knows because Jack talks about her.

Lucy would say to Jack how she could only imagine how happy her mother will be now, now that her little girl will always be beautiful, and people will always love her. She'll find out she's burned because Zoe suggests she take a picture to send to her mom, and she'll see that she is no longer beautiful. Have Dracula backhandedly comfort her but Jack to step in and say he'll kiss her, which leads to him admitting his feelings, making Lucy realize not only that Jack has been in love with her for the longest time, but also that despite how she looks, he still loves her for her. This would make her story more bittersweet, as she would have at last known that someone loved her for her, but to die when she did get that love.

I think this direction would have made it much better and less insulting to the original characters than the BBC did to them.

Tagging those who I think might be interested: @forthegothicheroine @luanna801 @spider-xan @the-timelord-a-tardis-stole @angelsbesides @spookbot

[synonymouswithanonymous]

😂😂😂

Another long one. Please skip if uninterested! Never expect anyone to read. 😊😊😊 edited to add, I hope no one feels like I'm referring to the whole fandom. I'm not, it should be clear but just in case it isn't. 😊 when I use "you or they" I'm referring to a specific type of haters.

"yet our assumptions keep being proven right."

Now that's comedy. 😂😂😂

Literally not one single assumption has been proven correct about his GF Johanne M. Mostly I've seen delusional ridiculous dehumanizing hate For both of them, and jokes. But nothing about body language or their relationship has been proven, other than they say they love each other and live together. Lol that's literally the only actual facts we know. Oh and he's planning to propose too. 😂😊😊😊 they go on dates. facts just exist, interpretations or wishing misery aren't facts.

And also things he's mentioned years ago in interviews aren't assumptions (including things he's mentioned again recently, adhd a few times on podcasts years ago). Everything else regarding personalities, symptoms, and motivations are still unproven assumptions.

I'll explain further an earlier post And I'll put it more plainly. It's wrong imo, to diagnose people with disorders, extra disorders or symptoms, they may or may not have. Just bc your experience with a disorder includes xyz characteristics FOR YOU does not make it true for everyone on a vastly wide spectrum. It's not only wrong to do so but armchair psychology is just ridiculous. He is not a carbon copy of your projections or experiences. Your experiences with disorders or people with disorders, doesn't dictate anyone else's experience. Just bc you don't like her or hate her, doesn't mean she has *insert disorder you use to insult her here.* the same goes for him. Also disorders are real, they are not insults. People that have disorders are not "bad" people just bc they have a disorder.

Sidenote please reference my post on Body language (you said you were reading😜, always surprised lol), real professors with PhDs say it's not real. Bc no one humans behavior or intent can be deciphered by body language. Too many variables with personality, possible disorders, and the simple fact all people are different. Even with similarities, not everything is typical or presents the same. What I'm saying is you can't read an article or watch crime videos and then suddenly claim you know what you're talking about when humans are very complex and body language isn't a real thing. Edited to add, you can interpret people you know in real life, bc you know them, their history, how they react, but not strangers. And they are both strangers to us all. You can read people you come into physical contact with, or whether or not a dark alley feels right or not, but a stranger through the screen on instagram? That's just ridiculous, delusional and irrational.

Now I've always said I hope in real life you're not as you are online. I don't know you so I can't judge you, I don't know what made you act this way online. I won't make assumptions about your life or call you evil. It's not my thing to judge or demonize. I haven't ever dehumanized anyone and don't intend to. I've also generally tried to refrain from labeling people as crazy, bc I don't think it's right and denigrates real illnesses to brush it off with such a callow dismissive word. But pointing out that these delusions arise at least partly, from jealousy is just common sense. It ALL stems from AHA, no other source for the hate towards her can be found. All objections are based on what you think he would/should want. Just like former hate for Fanny, the origin of it was him. The same ridiculous hate. If you're not a jealous person then this strangers choice wouldn't bother you at all. You'd say meh, and move on bc he doesn't affect your daily life. But seeing that you (six people or less my guess) find nothing wrong in disturbing, delusional, and jealous content/behaviour over a celeb and his celeb GF, then I guess it's just who you are. Sorry. I feel mean saying it, but if this is how you act towards a stranger bc you're anonymous and can get away with it....you come across as no better than a middle school bully. So you might be one but I hope not.

I will always maintain that the people that know him and her in real life are the best judges for their characters, bc they actually know them. It's highly unlikely that everyone's (friends/fam/AHA) people reader Radar is off, that's a whole lot of people to discount bc it doesn't fit the narrative you want it to fit. It's ridiculous. Just like continuously going after his mother bc she likes her too.

Putting this here bc I felt like responding! 😊😊😊 sorry to anyone that reads for the length.

[geekns]

From the bottom of my heart, I need you to know that no one wants to be around you because you're an asshole.

I just spent a good 30+ minutes scrolling through your blog, and you constantly get angry at others' experiences (and actual statistics), you equate your personal experience as the be all end all and don't seem to understand that your life doesn't just negate the other experiences around you. And frankly, none of your replies to any posts I've seen have been kind at all. Why tf would you ever expect anyone to be kind to you when you clearly don't give people the same courtesy?

I wish you the best and hope you can become a happier person. And being miserable just becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can make positive changes to your life and become a kinder person, and I promise your life will get better.

Who asked you? No really, I'm being serious. If I'm so annoying, why are you on my blog reading my posts about how I am trying to be open and vulnerable and figure out how to process my trauma?

if you don't like what I'm saying, go away. No one is forcing you to read my ramblings. I have no idea who you are, I don't owe you anything. You don't know who I am and have no right to judge me.

You say I'm asshole and that I'm angry...constantly???

I'm really not. That's simply exhausting. Ain't nobody got time for that. My life is full of laughter. I am very literal, and I love to laugh, and so I do, often at random things that no one else thinks are funny. My life is a comedy despite the tragedy.

Honey, what makes you think that you need to tell me to that I need to try, like I haven't already been doing that for over forty years? Like, did you really just assume that I've been spending my entire life just sitting here saying "woe is me, I need a hero?"

No! Fuck that!

I'm not sitting around wallowing in misery, even in the moments where I allow myself to be honest about how hard things are. (I mean how dare I share such a thing.) I am that one who has to stand back up and fight every time I get knocked down! I've been making "positive changes" for longer than I can remember, taken the advice of so many people. And I keep fighting after other people have given up and gone home! I'm stubborn af. And I'm really not sure what you're trying to accomplish with your pretentious advice, but FYI, I'm just trying to figure out how to keep going. I nearly died a month ago, so sue me for taking a minute to recuperate.

But I reject your characterization that I'm an asshole. You wanna know why? Because the truth is that I am kind, and that's why people assume they can use me or control me. It's a classic blunder that has followed me across this country and the world. One such boss flat-out told me that I was "too nice" and proceeded to try to turn me into exactly who she wanted me to be. She was abusive and controlling and it was a nightmare. And that is only one of many experiences that I could relate.

But you know what? Lying to people isn't kind. Going along to get along isn't actually nice. And I am not hurting anyone, in fact, I may be one of the only people on this hellsite who cares enough to tell the truth even though it would be easier not to. I'm simply trying to be true to myself: hoping to feel a little less alone and help others feel understood in turn. Because I've always believed that we need each other, that we're stronger when we aren't alone.

But I'm certainly not here to mask for you or make you feel comfortable. I'm here to be real. Reality is not always pretty, trauma especially so: it makes us want to look away, but it is what it is. And denying your trauma and the hard things that you're fighting against is not helpful to anyone.

[unravelingthepages]

The Diary of A Young Girl- my review

Hi! Fair warning, this book took me MONTHS to finish. It was heavy at times, humorous somehow too, and heartbreaking. I loved it and here's why.

The Diary of A Young Girl is exactly what the title says. The girl in question just so happens to be in hiding in a country where being a Jew was one of the worst possible things that could happen to you. Her name was Anne Frank and she died before she turned 16. [In case you have never heard about this book, this is a non-fiction book that is quite literally her diary, that was discovered and published after she and her sister were taken to concentration camps.]

"Writing in a diary is a really strange experience for someone like me. Not only because I’ve never written anything before, but also because it seems to me that later on neither I nor anyone else will be interested in the musings of a thirteen-year old school girl. Oh well, it doesn’t matter. I feel like writing."

Roughly more than 30 million people read her musings. She wanted to be a writer, see her stories published. She never got to see her own life story published.

What I thought-

This book is in the form of diary entries, that this 13 year old Jew, Anne Frank, addresses to Kitty, her diary. When you think of The Holocaust or of the Jews' oppression, or at least I did before, I thought of these nameless, featureless figures who suffered unimaginable tragedies. But when you read this book, you see them as people. Real people who suffered unimaginable tragedies. People who were petty and frightened and loving and courageous. People who bickered and whined and cried and laughed. They had dreams and hopes and thoughts about what they would do when the war ended.

This book talks about a lot of heavy issues, but at the same time it tells us about petty fights and first love and crushes. It describes a girl growing up during the Holocaust. She survived so so much, and yet she died only weeks before the war ended. It makes you think about the people who were this close to surviving the war, surviving being a Jew.

"I've been taking valerian every day to fight the anxiety and depression, but it doesn't stop me from being even more miserable the next day. A good hearty laugh would help better than ten valerian drops, but we've almost forgotten how to laugh."

“I’ve asked myself again and again whether it wouldn’t have been better if we hadn’t gone into hiding; if we were dead now and didn’t have to go through this misery, especially so that the others could be spared the burden. But we all shrink from this thought. We still love life, we haven’t yet forgotten the voice of nature, and we keep hoping, hoping for...everything.”

“All we can do is wait, as calmly as possible, for it to end. Jews and Christians alike are waiting, the whole world is waiting, and many are waiting for death.”

I can tell you a lot about this book, but what I will say is that I feel like I know her. And I did, didn't I? I read her diary, her innermost thoughts, her only escape from the horrific reality they were in (a reality that they still made the best of). I grew to love her as a person and love her family through her eyes. Her sister and father and mother. But mostly her. I read as she struggled everyday, felt like no one understood her and continued to feel like that. I read as she quietly loved her family and recorded their birthdays and laughed over their tiny squabbles. (I mean the Secret Annex family too, not only her parents and sister.) She felt guilty for being the ones relatively safe in hiding and so worried for their helpers and all her friends who were not in hiding.

She was her worst critic and the most empathetic person ever. She was mature and understanding and far too old for her age. She got to be a person in hiding and someone in a concentration camp and a Jew but never just a teenager. If you were waiting for a time to start reading this book, this is your sign to start it now!

purchase this book: https://amzn.to/3scZWUl [this is an associate link]

quotes:

“In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. " “As long as this exists, this sunshine and this cloudless sky, and as long as I can enjoy it, how can I be sad?” “I sometimes wonder if anyone will ever understand what I mean, if anyone will ever overlook my ingratitude and not worry about whether or not I’m Jewish and merely see me as a teenager badly in need of some good, plain fun.” "It’s difficult in times like these: ideals, dreams and cherished hopes rise within us, only to be crushed by grim reality. It’s a wonder I haven’t abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart." "I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness, I hear the ever approaching thunder, which will destroy us too, I can feel the sufferings of millions and yet, if I look up into the heavens, I think that it will all come right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again.”

“I wish to go on living even after my death.” ― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

[misericordel]

plotting post!

happy new mission board season! i'm here to take a fuckton of thread on as usual. this plotting post is for all three of my muses (edain caeda and veyle) to avoid clutter on the dash. as usual i am available for plotting outside of mission board as well!

wanted plots below the cut!

edain (needs unaffiliated for missions)

taken: n/a

bow +1 — edain would be hear as a plus one to treat injuries and what not. she is pretty good with a bow but she doesn't really like hunting game unless she has to. would be available to give some pointers to more unfamiliar muses. (needs unaffiliated)

not looking for specifically any other for her, unless you think edain would be a good fit for a thread in which case hmu!

caeda (needs unaffiliated for missions)

taken: flying +1 (sain)

flying +1 — caeda would be pretty distraught over the undeserved deaths of wyverns herself. given that it is safe enough for herself, she'd absolutely sit around in the wyvern nest and keep them company and warmth. (needs unaffiliated)

same case as is edain.

veyle (unaffiliated)

taken: rafal (gauntlet +1) kurthnaga (spicy food) celine (heavy armor +1) arval (crest stones)

crest stones — she has experience being put under evil magic (read: the magic bringing out the other lady veyle from zephia). since there seems to be no cure for the curse, veyle would not be opposed to putting them out of there misery— but she might need some encouragement to actually go through with it.

spicy food — would love to make a competition out of this with another muse. veyle loves spicy food so she will wolf it all down.

heavy armor — doesn't need the point she would love to do the askr with someone. would prefer someone from elyos for this, but really works with anyone.

same as is edain and caeda