#she is very fun but also very repressed and scared

[beatrixutoniumx]

࿔࿔࿔꣸(⁍̴̆◡⁍̴̆ )⊃✫⌒*･ﾟ  STATISTICS                 (last updated: 20/09/2022)

inspired  by  :  BUTTERCUP, of The Powerpuff Girls

muse inspo ! 

sabina wilson (charlie’s angels 2019), dylan sanders (charlie’s angels 2000), valkyrie (thor - mcu), kate sharma (bridgerton), carol danvers (captain marvel - mcu), bliss cavendar (whip it!), korra (legend of korra), max mayfield (stranger things), johnny lawrence (karate kid-cobra kai), eli “hawk” moskowitz (cobra kai), eleanor shellstrop (the good place)

full name. beatrix utonium pronouns. she/her faceclaim. geraldine viswanathan age. 23 (gemini, june 7) occupation. student, unfortunately

QUICK FIRST IMPRESSION: 

she is smug, she is brash, restless, reckless, she is a punk rocker

but also when she gets to know you, she has one brain cell and it’s built for stupid fun

she is cursed with a sweet face which is why she frowns and pulls faces so much

( will do a fit check later ; she does put effort into her outfits. )

she is muscley  😌

[ content warnings: physical violence, heavy social drinking mentioned ]

physical description.

hair just above the shoulders, choppy cut

thick, black hair

lean muscley body

birthplace. city of townsville orientation. lesbian

song. pot kettle black, by tilly and the wall

The trash washes up to shore Even in this landlocked place The shit gets thicker, it’s toxic get it out my face And don’t be surprised If they don’t buy your lies Some of us can see through Your stained glass eyes

Pot kettle, pot kettle black Talk that, talk that smack

education. high school diploma temperament. sanguine mbti. ISTP alignment. chaotic good abilities. flight, super-speed, super-strength, invulnerability, ball blast, black hurricane, green laser beams, green energy orb, fireball (rubs her hands till smoke comes out and forms a ball then she hurls it). hogwarts house. hmm .... gryffin-therin ?? sly-ffindor ???

the city of townsville !! ( the past )

THE POWERPUFF GIRLSSS

beatrix is the spice.

“the strongest fighter”

powerpuffs save the day yes they do yes ma’am 😌

when faced with a problem, she will almost always react violently, whether physically or verbally. she takes things more seriously than her sisters, was very proud, so she also took things more personally.

she also grew up quite cruel (poor brynne), and short-tempered.

as a kid and a teenager, the only people who would call her out on her behaviour was her sisters and the professor. people reprimanded her at school and if she did something completely rude, but people were too often scared of her to actually try and stop.

according to teachers, she was a bad student (restless, rude, didn’t pay attention, you name it) in school and didn’t have many close friends. she constantly heard everyone else praising beverly and brynne for their intelligence or kindness. as much as she loves her sisters, she always resented being compared to them.

she found that the main way she got positive reactions from people was when she defeated villains. so she focused on becoming the best fighter among her siblings.

she trained for martial arts, not wanting to just rely on her strength. she also wanted to keep in great physical shape, so she began working out.

and for a while, this got her a lot of praise. she defeated bad guys so easily! but at what cost? there was also a lot of destruction left in the wake of a fight with a bad guy. in beatrix’s eyes, most of it was necessary. how else was she supposed to defeat a 60ft robot? quietly?

but around her 18th birthday, she really started to let her resentment get the better of her. with everyone else growing up and figuring out their future, she suddenly felt so limited in what she could do. she was never smart enough, kind enough, pretty enough, creative enough ... what else was left? fighting.

she wanted to defeat MORE villains, in RECORD time too. so she got more ruthless.

coming to elias !!

hearing that beverly wanted to quit and start a new life enraged, shook, and scared beatrix. because she knew that once beverly made this decision, everyone would want to follow, and she would have no choice but to do it.

OOC note: she tells herself that it’s all beverly’s fault but honestly, i think in due time, the professor and her family would be okay with beatrix being a solo superhero. the problem is, there is a part of beatrix (a big secret part) that can’t see herself being a superhero without her siblings. she feels that she needs them otherwise she’s going to go overboard; they ground her and balance her out. if she fights without them, like she has tried to in the past ... then it won’t be the same.

she feels she won’t be loved the same.

just before moving to elias, she encounters one of the big villains in townsville. distracted and wanting a way to unleash her repressed fear and anger ... she engages in a fight with him that leaves him worse for wear (it is VERY bad).

this experience makes beatrix feel disgusted with herself.

but she overhears people saying that she went too far ... but also ... at least now the villain won’t be around anymore. ***** MORE ON THIS LATEER

professor utonium is, understandably, very concerned. he’s worried about beatrix and if she’ll be okay in elias. he arranges for beatrix to attend weekly therapy sessions, and she surprisingly agrees. there’s ... a lot to think about.

he also wants her to find an activity that is artistic and doesn’t involve some kind of violent competition or high-levels of physical exertion.

suggestions include: painting, tai chi, pottery, poetry-readings, music...

beatrix is ...................... thinking about it ..............

so we gotta talk about mental state ... !!

it’s not looking good at all for miss beatrix’s mental state

FEAR rules her life, not desire for anything. while serena might want freedom, and belle might want adventure, beatrix fears losing everything she has. she fears living without her sisters, she fears living without praise, she fears being nothing if she’s not a superhero, she fears one day losing her powers for some reason and then just being nothing.

she fears mediocrity and invisibility.

she thrives off of applause and praise and smiles, and she practically lives off of what people think of her. not individuals, but the mass.

“do the people of townsville like me? do they love me?”

it’s specifically townsville because they are her people, that’s her city. they’re the ones she’s been saving since she’s been a kid, so it’s only their opinion that truly matters to her. she has to be someone good in townsville. she has to be great for them.

so now moving to a city where a LOT of people are exceptional ... it’ll be interesting.

i think she will be excited to wrestle with people lmao, she’s not going to be jealous or intimidated because she’s got too much of an ego for that. she’ll just want to see what everyone can do and then also show off what SHE can do.

PRESENT !!

she’s studying at walt uni and agreed to just study communications because it was suggested to her (has no actual interest in communications)

she’s promised to not do hero work in elias. she’s also promised to not use her powers so much ... we’ll see if that actually happens lmao

she’s trying to find that “non-violent” hobby

she heard about the mickey vs maleficent thing and on principle she just has to side with the good guys, which are presumably mickey. but she finds the whole thing so fascinating

good vs evil conflicts outside of townsville !?! hell YES

trying to not freak out about the future and what she’s “going to do” ... sounds fake ...

her hobbies/interests include:

rollerskating/roller derby (though she’s never been allowed to participate because she’s too rough, and also power imbalance)

martial arts: karate (black belt)

video games

comics

movie-phile, will watch all the latest movies

monster-trucks

racecars

drinking (moderately ... mostly...) (heavyweight)

FUTURE !! 

not sure just yet, watch this space !!

࿔࿔࿔꣸(⁍̴̆◡⁍̴̆ )⊃✫⌒*･ﾟ  TAKEN CONNECTIONS !!

beverly utonium. sister.

brynne utonium. sister.

alberto scorfano. party-buddy.

marco diaz. karate kids.

donatello hamato. fellow put-emotions-in-a-box-ers

leonardo hamato. pizza rankers yah booooii

mari dupain-cheng. martial arts enthusiasts. superhero buds !?!?!

sadie teague. just gals being pals.

roxas reyes. roommate. its giving new girl.

WANTED connections !!

face-off : anyone with abilities or powers. can be friendly or an actual fight. beatrix can take a lot, and can dish out a lot. [ open, multiple ]

could be a great opportunity to flex magic/powers/curses, etc. !! :3

beatrix should lose sometimes honestly

enemies : similar to face-off. beatrix will fight anyone who looks suspicious, she’s “shoot first, ask questions later”. might piss off a few people this way. [ open, multiple ]

hook-ups : she is queer, and she is here. she is simply not heterosexual. she goes to clubs, she goes to parties (college parties heyhey), she likes to drink and have fun. has a very high drink tolerance. and i mean. muscles. [ open, women only ]

the zen place : anyone who can help her find the ‘non-violent’ activity. she will try anything (because she has to). i think it could make for a really nice friendship if they help guide her through it, and ofc she will do anything for her friends. this friend may even be one of her first close friends rip. [ open, multiple ]

the reality check : someone who will really not take her shit and calls her out for it. whether it be behaviour-based, personality, how ruthless she is, anything. [ open ]

close friends : people who don’t just pass by. someone who shares her hobbies, just someone to have fun with and she is so loyal and caring and protective. [ open ]

[daincrediblegg]

hehe I love pain and suffering (making francis be mean to lady terror for real)

[relaxxattack]

Piggybacking off the last anon, what is it you like about Jane so much? I find my feelings on her kind of mixed but I lean towards positive.

okay i haven’t read act six in probably like 5 years so bear with me here. *cracks knuckles*

jane is sooo so interesting and it’s really a shame people miss like everything fun about her.

pre-scratch she used her detective work to literally succeed at tearing down the crocker cooperation, to the point that HIC has to fucking abandon ship and head into another universe to have another shot at her evil empire. pre-scratch jane is also fucking hilarious! if you didnt enjoy her antics with john as nannasprite you must just have no heart

meanwhile HIC breaches a new universe, and her FIRST fucking order of business is to NEUTRALIZE JANE CROCKER because of how goddamn detrimental she was to HIC’s plans the first time around.

not ONLY does HIC pump subliminal messaging and brainwashing into nearly every aspect of jane’s life, she also tries to straight up mind control her basically whenever possible! she ALSO sends assassination attempts after jane 24/7! (people will seriously try to say that jane lived a safe normal life… as if she wasn’t almost killed by walking into her backyard.) this is because HIC is fucking scared of jane, as she very well should be!

jane is also NOT a boring weepy annoying crybaby like everyone and their mother complains about. jane is literally the most fucking supportive friend and emotion-repressing dumbass you could ever hope to meet. jane combines john’s emotional repression and jade’s intentional cheerfulness together into one of the most fucked up cases of emotional repression in the whole comic

act 6 suffers from a LOT of shitty writing choices, but it’s not jane’s fault the whole act turns into a soap opera— and she’s ALSO not the only one who acts all soap-opera-y either! literally all of the alpha kids suffer from this, people just like jane the least so they project it all onto her. despite the fact that she did her very fucking best to NEVER talk about her feelings, to the point where she ONLY started telling people about shit when she was mind-controlled or took mind altering substances to make her do so! and you can say “ohhh that’s stupid she shouldn’t repress things in the first place how dumb” but, one she’s sixteen, and two, everyone eats that shit up when it comes from like. literally any other character.

people (cough hs2 writers) act like she would actually be “pushy” with a relationship on jake— as if she wasn’t literally the one who helped him make the decision to explore dating dirk?? because she thought it was the right thing to do???

jane is incredibly thoughtful and mature and people really throw all of those traits out of the window with preference for a version of the story where she Comes Inbetween Their Fave Gay Pairing as if she wasn’t, again, the one who got them together. jane is also extremely interesting in terms of queerness; she’s got the makings of a really interesting arc, not to mention she’s the only human girl that dresses mainly masc! there’s a lot there that people just don’t care to explore.

people just have less patience for the prospit kids in general. not to mention homestuck fans love to be misogynistic and berate jane for stuff they love the men doing, or claim she’s coming between them when she’s not, etc etc. and then because no one was writing fun meta posts about her, nobody ever rereads the comic to grab little scenes or lines to expand the online discussion about her! and then because there’s no discussion about her, people assume she’s boring and don’t go looking for bits to start discussing, which cycles on and on forever until we have the ripple effects we see of that misogyny today. which mostly consists of, “oh i hate jane because she was a villain is hs2”, or, “i know hs2 isn’t canon but i still don’t care for jane because she doesn’t do anything that interests me.” (and she’s only not interesting because of the cycle i mentioned before causing NO ONE to have meta discussion about her).

idk, it’s been a while since ive read so i could be talking out my ass but that’s what i’ve got.

TL;DR: jane is fucking COOL, she just suffers from intentional fandom ignorance. and she’s also a canonically hot, fat, masc woman, so i don’t know what else you could possibly want.

[wetcatspellcaster]

I saw you respond that you a very much not an SJM fan 😅 fair enough but I did want to ask what books/series you did like or would recommend that are of a fantasy/romantasy vibe!

lmfao, i am destined to become known for my parasocial enmity with the wingspan lady on this hellsite.

I don't read stuff with the same vibe as SJM all that often anymore. I used to read a lot of paranormal romance but the heteronormativity of SJM clones was upsetting me, so I've turned more towards the romance genre or just straight up fanfic these days.

So these recommendations might not be the perfect overlap but-!

Books with Fey Romances that are good

Holly Black, for all your fey needs. Tithe is the OG (and if you like sad men with white hair, have I got a blorbo for you!) but The Cruel Prince is her most popular series, that most people have read. The Darkest Part of the Forest is also an amazing standalone novel with a bit more creepiness than the other two. Not very explicit sex.

Olivia Atwater's Half A Soul and Ten Thousand Stitches are regency romance novels with fey associations, the first book is about a girl under a fairy curse and the second is about a fairy himbo trying his best at being a fairy godmother. No sex, that I can remember.

Heather Fawcett's Emily Wilde's Encyclopedia of Fairies. I've talked about this book a lot. If you like my fanfic, you will like this book, because this book was written for Me specifically. Not very explicit sex.

The Falconer series by Elizabeth May. This is the closest in this list to what SJM writes, only this is. um. better. Much sex, but also just... 'what if we started an apocalypse together, and the guilt meant I was scared to touch you, but we've got nothing else to live for now so why shouldn't I just do it?'

Fantasy Books with Good Romance

T Kingfisher's Swordheart and Nettle & Bone - both standalone novels. Swordheart is just Howl x Sophie dynamics, if Howl was a martial class, and also. A sword. Some sexiness.

Uprooted by Naomi Novik (if we count the love interests as both the hot sexy wizard man AND the protagonist's gal pal). Some sexiness.

Gods of Jade and Shadow by Silvia Moreno-Garcia. If you like your immortal/mortal romances, this is a pretty stellar read tbh. Some sexiness.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan. This is such a fun book just generally but the slowburn of a 7 year high school romance sent me a little feral actually. Some sexiness.

Daevabad trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty. Now, this one is a little bit evil bc its an epic fantasy trilogy that is quite dense, and the romance is amazing but it takes a WHILE. *I* can write an evil slowburn, but there is nothing more evil than what happened in these books bc everyone is so fucking repressed. Alternatively, The Adventures of Amina Al-Sirafi by the same author, which cut to the chase a lot quicker, romance-wise.

Fantasy Books that are 😌😌 sexy 😌😌

The Dark Days Club by Alison Goodman. This is my favourite paranormal romance I've read in recent years, and they don't even have sex but I'm putting it here because um. they did. to me. That's what happens when you write a regency romance where if a woman takes of a man's coat they have 37 horny thoughts about it in real time. Imagine if Darcy and Elizabeth for P&P were also fighting demons at the same time as falling in love (not metaphorically. literal demons.)

Mating the Huntress by Talia Hibbert. Talia Hibbert's books in general fucking slap but I wish she'd written more paranormal romance than just this ONE story bc um. This was. um. Good.✌️

A Marvellous Light and A Restless Truth by Freya Marske. Freya Marske is also a popular fanfic author, and it shows with the way she writes sex.

That Time I Got Drunk and Saved a Demon by Kimberly Lemming. This author is the one who went briefly viral bc she accidentally has a book cover with Astarion on it lmao. This book was the first in that series, and unfortunately it wasn't for me (dragon shifter porn, I did *not* know going in) but the sex was really, really well-written, if that's something you could be into.

[etherealinowrites]

i’ll hide you in my heart | leeknow | a, f

—

♡pairing- female reader x minho

♡summary- lee minho was supposed to love you like an elder brother, you were his best friends little sister after all.

♡genre- brothers best friend au! forbidden love au! college au! angst, fluff

♡warnings- swearing, kissing, overprotective older brother chan, emotionally constipated minho, oblivious love, repressed emotions, slow burn, mentions of menstruation, negative views on menstruation, like two mentions of clubbing and one mention of being roofied (nothing happens)one teeny tiny daddy joke (nothing happens).

♡wc- 10K

🏷permanent tags-@dreamescapeswriting  @cocainee-queen @lix-ables @eastleighsblog  @mwitsmejk @charliesfanficlibrary @downbadfor2dmen @bluechans @bearseungmin @janvibutbetter

🏷fic tag- @tsaap

skz masterlist, taglist

--

one

lee minho was an obnoxious asshole who had an amazingly attractive face and hair that was woven with silk threads with the voice of an angel and the body of a talented dancer. lee minho was someone you detested with a burning passion and the amount of hate was unusual to carry towards someone who hadn’t done anything to ever offend you aside from the fact that he was literally so perfect that your heart sometimes pained upon his presence.

lee minho was the name of the man you were so horribly obsessed with, you chose to hide your feelings behind disgust to keep the tandem of your relationship going. after all, he was your brothers best friend and grossly off limits. some kind of stupid bro code your brother had told you about. honestly, had you not loved your brother so much, you wouldn’t have hated minho so much as well.

it was stupid of you. you knew that very well but it’s harder to pretend to not be affected by the way minho and your brother chan worked out shirtless in his room, or ignore the way your heart jumped at the sight of minho coming back from a long run with chan, or ignoring the way he was such an integral part of your family that him not being over at your place was deemed a problem.

chan was a good brother, no doubt about that but he was also one hell of a protective pain in the ass. he’d scared off almost every guy who’d ever tried to make it work with you and upon your anger he would give out the same old excuse. “how would a man who’s scared to stand up to me be able to protect you in the future?”

well there goes your plan of trying to get over minho by turning to other guys.

lee minho was no better. in some rare moments of sneakiness and stealth, you were able to get along with guys and leave chan unaware. this first began when he had a part time job interview and minho was supposed to drive you to your friends place instead of chan. being the good sister you are, you didn’t tell chan that you were in fact, going to go out with a guy you’d been seeing for the past few weeks.

“thumper, you sure this her place?” minho questioned as he narrowed his eyes at the house and you nodded.

“why? you don’t like yeji? or her house?” you frowned, collecting your bag as minho’s expression changed when he looked at you.

“nothing, have fun with her!” was all he said as he waited for you to get off, then began to back the car up to leave.

you let out a relieved breath as you saw him drive off. you were so scared he’d caught on your lie and was gonna call you out on it but he hadn’t. thank heavens hyunjin had a sister in your grade, and she was sweetie enough to lie for you both.

you and hyunjin wasted no time in leaving for the place you’d originally planned to visit. a birthday party for one of his friends- jisung. you had heard of him and you believed it was because he was famous for singing at your school, so was hyunjin for being a wonderful dancer with a wonderful face.

“you look gorgeous.” he’d commented, making you blush as you both danced in jisung’s living room. while people enjoyed themselves.

“we should go out more, on an actual date where it’s just us two.” hyunjin said to you as he glided his hands down your arm. “what do you say beautiful?”

before you could reply, an angry growl replied for you. “oh i think the fuck not hwang.”

15 minutes into sensual dancing with hyunjin and lee minho was already breathing down your neck.

“what the fuck?” you glared at minho, half angry and half scared at being caught while hyunjin blinked twice, looking between you and minho.

“oh, fuck i didn’t realise you were into her minho i’m sorry-.” hyunjin began, a slight panic and fear in his tone as minho turned his head sideways.

“save it hwang, and for the record. i’m not into her. she’s chan’s baby sister.” minho cleared the topic and hyunjins eyes widened as real fear filled his eyes.

“oh fuck!” he gasped. “tell chan i am sorry, tell him i am so fucking sorry i had absolutely no idea y/n was chan’s baby sister y/n.” he rambled while you frowned.

“so what if i am!” you yelled, making the two men look at you with an expression that read “are you fucking stupid?”

“it’s an obvious bro code y/n, you don’t date your best friends little sister.” hyunjin told you, with a tone that said that it was an obvious thing everyone should know.

“but what if you like her-.”

“no matter how hot she is, you can’t date your best bro’s baby sis.” minho cut in, looking at you with annoyed eyes. “now you come with me before chan realises what is happening and comes for all of our asses. jisung included.” minho took your hand, pulling you away from hyunjin who all but sent you a polite yet sad “i cant do anything in this scenario.” smile.

you tried to ignore the tiny jump in your heart as minho indirectly called you hot but it was short lived as he dragged you. you let him drag you till the car before you pulled your hand away, making him jerk his head back. “what? did you forget something.”

“yes.” you spat, “a good date. and because of an asshole like you.”

minho’s eyes narrowed, he took your little tantrum in as you glared at him.

“you and chan can’t keep doing this to me! if it’s not him then it’s you. what the fuck even is your problem? i can understand chan but why do you have to butt in? why cant you both just let me live like a normal woman and enjoy for once?” you stomp your left leg like little child as you crossed your arms together and pouted in anger.

minho listened intently, only responding with a “are you done?” as he opened the car door for you to sit in and you did, while grumbling curses at him and your brother.

it had been a year since that incident and almost every sneak out had been ruined by either chan or minho, what’s worse was that minho often caught you in deep trouble where as chan was relieved of that pain. safe to say, minho knew a lot more about you when it came to your little detours than chan and you couldn’t help but increase your acts more when it was minho coming to get you back.

at one point, which none of you realised, it had become some sort of game. how far could you take things before minho eventually found out and got you back. not gonna lie, you loved seeing him all riled up and angry at you or at the man you were with.

this shouldn’t be fuelling your fantasy that you knew would never come alive yet it made you look forward to something every week or month. and it was lee minho’s reaction to you trying to get laid.

a few months later, chan moved out after having accepted the job and with his music production, your parents realised the much needed privacy he would require. sadly though, lee minho moved in with him and would frequent you less and less.

but they both still fucking made sure to prevent any male interaction you had.

after a full year, you got accepted into chan and minho’s university which made your parents so proud. they agreed to let you move out to be closer to uni and you began to live with chan, in the spare room of course since minho and chan had four total rooms in their apartment. it was affordable since your parents paid more than a quarter of the rent, and minho chipped in as well.

presently, you were in a much better place. chan had eased off on letting you go out on dates and reluctantly, minho had as well. not before he made sure to lecture you on all sorts of horrid stuff boys can do to girls like you. this had resulted in a stuck out tongue from you.

“i’ll be back by monday morning, take care both of you.” chan smiled as he lugged his rucksack behind him, walking over to you to kiss your forehead. “and you have fun on your date. but not too much fun.”

you rolled your eyes, trying to make a show of disgust as minho chuckled at your childishness. “text me when you reach kay?” minho side hugged chan as he opened the door and left.

“so..” minho turned out, luckily my his lips as he took in the now empty house.

having an empty house without chan was rare, he rarely slept over at other places and barely had work or college related trips. but he was going to a two day musical workshop that he had longed to attend. this was a strange situation, the last time you and minho had been alone was when he’d caught jisung giving you a hickey in your bathroom.

needless to say, jisung had come to class with a black eye and hadn’t asked you out since. thankfully, he remained a friend. but that’s all he remained, a friend.

“who kidnapped chan and replaced him?” he joked, as you got ready for your date. and by that it meant checking your reflection in your compact mirror as you waited for hyunjin to come pick you up.

“why would you say that.” you numbly responded, not paying attention to the white almost see through t shirt minho had on, which was slightly wet due to his dance routine that he had been practising.

“nothing, just that he’s letting you out willingly. also told me to not trouble you. looks like hyunjin really proved himself.” he added, walking over to get some water as he gauged your reaction.

“hmm. maybe.” you entertained minho’s small talk with an absent mind, refusing to let yourself stare at his adam’s apple as he gulped down water. “maybe waiting around for three years really makes an impression.” you vouched in hyunjins favour and minho hummed.

“yup, three years seem like they’re enough.” he placed the water bottle down a little too roughly, making you question the way he said enough but before you could think further, the doorbell rang and you squealed as you rushed to open it.

“HYUNEEE!” you tackled him into a hug, making him chuckle as he placed his left hand on your lower back.

“woah, cutie let me breathe.” he joked, breaking part to hand you the flowers he’s gotten- a bouquet of white roses.

before you could thank him, a scoff made you frown. “she likes pink ones more.” minho grumbled as he sipped down more water.

you ignored the man as you focused on the one in front of you, reaching up to peck his cheek as you thanked him.

“be back by 1, and no staying over at his and send me your location.” minho reminded you as you flipped him off with a roll of your eyes and a “yes daddy.”

just for fun, you chuckled. watching minho’s eyes go wide and jaw go slack as he picked up on the very obvious innuendo.

boy you were one hell of a firecracker. he thought to himself, watching your back as you walked out the door with hyunjin on your side.

—

two

it was funny how dating hyunjin had you thinking of minho even more.

that charming motherfucker.

you cursed lowly in your head, of course. he just had to be on your mind 25/8 even though he was not dating you.

curse him and his stupid handsome face. it didn’t help how he was such a huge part of your life that he’d so smoothly become a part of everything you did.

everything.

ever since you were a kid, minho had been a constant presence, treating you as a little sister he never had. his little smiles and head pats would cheer you up even on the most painful days where you wanted to cry.

he’s been through each and everything in your life with you. from your first day of primary school to middle school to high school and even college. he’d been there when you’d first gotten your A, he’d been there when you’d first gotten a scar, he’d been there when you’d had your first period.

that memory always brings out a smile on your face. you remembered it clearly, it was middle school, sixth grade to be precise while minho was in the tenth grade and in high school. you’d been walking through the hallway, all care abandoned for you had no idea that the stomach ache that had been troubling you all day was your very first period.

as always, you both crossed paths during the fourth period, when he and chan would go to the west building for p.e and your class would be coming back from it.

it was kind of like a small tradition where chan and minho would play along with you a little in the hallway, ask about your day and things before bidding you bye. like always, you expected to meet the two but chan was sick and at home today so it would just be minho. you’d been walking alone since your closest “friend” had been ignoring you since the morning.

“hey y/n-.” yang jeongin, one of your classmates who had a sweet smile, nervously tapped your shoulder and you turned back. “yes jeongin?” you asked politely, wondering why the hell was he so nervous?

the rest of the class moved ahead, leaving you and jeongin behind. he licked his lips nervously, not sure about how he was supposed to approach the subject. “just say it jeongin, don’t worry.” you coaxed him softly and he blurted his thoughts out immediately.

“um, you’re on your period y/n, and your shorts are bleeding through.” he stumbled over his words, messing up a little as he quickly rushed away.

you blinked, dumbfound for a moment before the panic set in and your tears began to fill your eyes. your heartbeat sped up, your stomach contracted in pain as your head spun.

your first period.

fuck.

as if that wasn’t enough, you heard the onslaught of the tenth graders flood into the hallway and your eyes widened. you couldn’t possibly let high school boys or girls see you in that condition. the boys in your class made fun of the girls who had periods and you couldn’t even imagine how horrible the seniors might be with this.

before you could rush away, you noticed minho as he smiled brightly at you and waved. shit, what will i do now?

minho must’ve noticed the lack of response from you as he motioned for his friend group to quieted down and he rushed to you.

you did the first thing that came to your mind, you laid your back straight across the lockers and stood to hide your behind.

he jogged over to you, eyes raised in question as he noticed your teary eyes and worried face.

“hey thumper everything okay?” he mumbled, concern washing over his handsome features as he stepped close to you and you trembled lightly from the emotions barreling through you.

“y-yes-.” was all you mumbled before motioning forget him to go. “you can go, i- i - i am fine.” you reassured him to which he didn’t fully agree.

“go minho!” you yelled a little too loudly at him, his close proximity was already making you antsy and the looks his classmates were giving to the two of you were not helping.

what if they’re gossiping about me?

you worried and pushing minho away was the only thing you cared about at the moment. the sooner they leave, the earlier you can get to the restroom.

“you guys go.” he turned to his friends. “i’ll join later, tell coach i am going to the infirmary.” he nodded to them as they nodded back and began to leave as well, leaving the hallway slightly less crowded than earlier.

his gaze was dark, worried eyes looking down at you as he leaned over you, trying to figure out what was wrong. you gulped, feeling uneasy as you wanted to be as far away from a boy as possible.

students were either rushing to the next class or were busy chatting away but you felt as if every eye was on you when you pushed minho away and began to rush to the nearest restroom.

“y/n- wait-.” he began but stopped short and your tears fell when you realised that he’d probably noticed the stain and was gonna call you on it. you stopped for a second upon his calling but then shook your head.

you grit yourself teeth, letting out a deep breath as you began walking once more but you couldn’t even put your foot forward as you felt his hands pull your shoulders back.

you gasped softly as you back up against his chest and felt his arms snake around your waist, fabric grazed your lower body and your thighs as you felt him tie a knot at your abdomen.

his jacket hung from your hips as he softly held you back in his arms.

“it’s okay thumper, everything is alright.” he cooed softly in your ear and your body shook from the sobs threatening to break through.

“not here thumper.” he softly sushed you, moving away as he held your hand wand walked you to the infirmary. you knew why, you knew people or more like your classmates would find out and talk about your so called “breakdown” in the hallway and call you on it.

minho had wordlessly carried you to the infirmary only to find it empty, great. your school just got shittier. instead of going back, he led you inside. placing you on the bed and went back to the nurses station. “minho what-.” you sighed, not sure as to what he was doing but he returned with a pair of plastic covers.

“hold out your hand.” he instructed, leaving you a little confused but you did as he told.

he placed one of them on your hand. “this y/n, is a sanitary pad.” he slowly told you, looking at you with nothing but care.

you nodded. “i know what this is.” you but your lip and helpfully supplied. your mom had never told you about menstruation but you’d seen enough of your friends go through this.

“that’s good, do you know how to use it?” he asked softly and you shook your head, feeling extremely embarrassed about the entire thing.

“minho it’s okay you don’t have to-.” you tried to tell him that he didn’t have to force himself to do this disgusting thing for you but he shook his head.

“no y/n, don’t be embarrassed sweetheart, it’s okay. i don’t want you to think that i’m grossed out by this okay? this is normal. this is just another bodily function and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. if i am making you uncomfortable in another sense then i don’t mind getting one of my female friends to tell you-.” he began to explain and you shook your head.

“no no you don’t make me uncomfortable.”

“okay.” he smiled slowly as he began to unwrap the plastic and told you how to properly place it and use it.

“understood? now go and put this on for now. we’ll go home and you can change then.” he told you and you did.

when you came back, you found him sitting on the infirmary bed with vending machine snacks.

salted chocolate waffle chips and coconut water. your favourites. “i figured you’d want these. you might usually have cravings during your period so if you want to have anything, tell me i’ll get it for you.” he patted the bed for you to sit.

your eyes had not yet dried up, the situation still feeling unreal as you shook with each step.

“oh come here thumper.” he groaned before crushing you in his arms, holding you tight as you cried slowly. “it’s okay, it’s okay, let it all out.”

“i’m… i’m scared minho..” you choked out and he nodded in understanding.

“i know thumper, i know it must be confusing for you but don’t worry. it’s just growth okay? this is gonna make you stronger.” he supplied, stroking your back as he let you ruin his shirt as well.

“i’ve called your home room teacher and she called your parents, they’re gonna come and pick you up soon.” he informed you as he cooed you softly.

“once you’re home, tell them what happened and aunty will tell you more okay? remember, you don’t have to embarrassed or scared okay thumper? this is normal and it’s just another stepping stone as a teenager.” he comforted you slowly, waiting with you in the infirmary till your parents came after an hour and picked you up. not before thanking minho for being so helpful.

you remembered chan entering your room that evening with a new plushie in his hands. a smiling avocado and you loved it on sight.

“i heard from minho. y/n, baby sister. i’m proud of you, i’m happy for you, and i’m here for you.” he smiled, showing your shared dimples as he sat beside you on your bed.

you happily thanked him for the plushie. “and im also sorry for not being there for you.”

“eh, it’s alright chan. minho helped me a lot.” you patted his hand.

chan chuckled. “of course, our months of training came in handy.” he joked and you frowned.

“well, minho and i studied about this in biology and we knew you would soon go through this so minho and i prepared for this by talking to our female friends and minho suggested that we made sure you wouldn’t feel outcasted like some of our friends revealed they’d had felt during their first one so we both talked beforehand on how to-.” before he could continue, you’d pounced on him. tackling him in the biggest bear hug you could muster.

“i love you chan.”

you snapped back to present, frowning at how badly lee minho had made a place for himself in every one of your milestones and your life. to the point where actions done by other people reminded you of him.

groaning as you set your caramel coffee aside, and set your attention back to your assignment.

your period was not making it easy.

—

three

“no date today?” minho tilted his head and if you weren’t so sure, you would’ve thought you hinted a tone of mockery in his question.

“is that a problem?” you tilted your head back as you grabbed a packet of waffle chips to take back to your room.

“nope, just curious.” he shrugged before continuing to munch on his nachos and texting.

he smiled as a text came through and smiled more as he sent one back.

who was he texting?

your jealous side spoke for you but your shook your head, you were still seeing hyunjin.

the doorbell rang to reveal hyunjin and you smiled wide before welcoming him. “heyyy!!” you greeted him with a peck on his cheek since you knew chan would have his head if you kissed his lips.

“i know we didn’t plan anything but i was wondering if you wanted to go for a movie?” he asked shyly and you nodded. anything to get away from a love struck minho texting his girlfriend.

“wait hold up what now?” chan entered the room and hyunjin visibly straightened at the sight. “it’s almost midnight.” he added.

you sighed, pouting for chan to let you go but he shook his head.

“sorry y/n, but if you want he can hang out here with you. no sex though!” he yelled loudly making you turn red.

it would be very weird having sex with your brother in the next room.

“shut up!” you stuck your tongue out as you carried hyunjin to your bedroom.

you didn’t notice minho glaring daggers at you both though.

—

four

a few weeks later when you and hyunjin broke up, chan was livid. he had half a mind to march over to his place and hurt him for breaking his little sisters heart. and while you were sad and did cry at losing him, you accepted what he had done for he had realised that your heart didn’t belong to you. he’d somehow seen the secret feelings you’d adorned for another man that you’d tried to hide in your heart and let you go.

as painful as that had been, it was very much needed for you.

you were able to calm chan down, but you also made a pact to yourself that day.

that you would get over lee minho no matter what happens.

you couldn’t let him rule over your heart for life and ruin every thing you had with another man, you wanted your silly heart to get over this crush of yours you knew would never get reciprocated so you made a pact to sleep with any guy possible to get him out of your head.

and your heart.

you trudged into the living in an oversized t shirt that you’d stolen from chan, your legs barely covered in your pajama shorts as you made a beeline for the fridge. you shuffled through the freezer as you looked for your favourite black currant ice cream to quench your boredom and empty heart.

“thumper-.” minho’s impossibly soft voice rang through the room as you froze, hand on the ice cream tub as you debated your response.

“umhm.” you hummed, collecting yourself as you kept up a non chalant expression and turned to him.

“thumper are, are you okay?” he mumbled, his adam’s apple bobbed as he gulped and for a second he almost seemed nervous.

you puckered your lips, placing the ice cream tub on the counter as you began hunting for a spoon. “yup, as fit as a fiddle. why won’t i be?” you squeaked and mentally face palmed yourself.

really y/n? as fit as a fiddle? who even uses that anymore?

you prayed your red eyes were well shielded by your unruly hair covering your face but this was lee minho, the man who refused to let himself ignore your life’s problems and be your saviour.

“you sure? you don’t….” he trailed off as he noticed your bottom lip trembling. “oh fuck-.” he breathed out as he noticed the early signs of your frustration cry.

“fucking hwang-.” he began as he walked over to you, holding you by your shoulders to make you look up at him. “listen, y/n, you don’t have to pretend with me okay? i am here to listen to you, i will be here to listen to anything you have to say… you’re allowed to be sad. breakups hurt and there’s nothing to be ashamed about.” he spoke to you with a strange concern in his eyes that had your final resolve breaking.

the worry in his starry eyes made you feel like an idiot. the very man responsible for your breakup was also the one comforting you, blissfully unaware of the trouble plaguing your weighing heart. his caring words towards you made the pain worse as your tears left your eyes and found their way down your cheeks.

“oh come here thumper.” minho whispered, pulling you into a warm hug that had you shivering from the feelings threatening to break you.

his arms felt so comfortable, so loving and so like your home, you never wanted to leave.

“i need to have a word or two with hwang. that mongoose looking no good piece of dirt slime-.” minho began swearing the innocent man out and you patted his hand to stop him.

“no.” you choked out. “you and chan promised me you both won’t change your friendship with him.”

minho sighed, remembering the promise he and chan had made to you a few days ago when you’d told them about your breakup. “okay thumper, but just because you told us to. i have no problem walking over to his house right now to sock him in his jaw.”

you breathed deeply in his arms as your tears shook you. his hands were patting your back slowly in hopes of calming you down.

“i hate him for breaking your heart.” lee minho, of all people mumbled.

oh how ironic. your heart replied.

—

five

chan hated your new habits. it was pretty obvious since you would try to go out more often, break more rules, try dating more guys and he was not able to stop you.

“i just fucking want to protect you y/n! don’t you see what happened with hyunjin?” he’d yelled at you one day and you’d refused to speak to him for the weekend.

if it wasn’t chan on your case, it was lee fucking minho and it frustrated you to no end. not only was this high school all over again, the man fucking had the audacity to make remarks at you.

you hated how that man had such a leverage over you and you foolishly gave into him every time. he’d begun plaguing your mind and you hated every second of it.

drinking, partying, hooking up were the only ways you could find the least semblance of ignorance but he had to ruin that too.

you fucking hated how you’d gone from going out to want to get over minho to going out to get minho to come and collect you.

you wanted him to see you getting guys, you wanted him to see you in sexy little dresses, you wanted him to see you as more than just a little sister.

“hands off her dude.” he growled at a guy who’d tried to hit it up with you at the club you had made your hunting ground for the night.

“sorry, didn’t know she was your girl.” he mumbled.

“baby sister.” he corrected and the man walked away quicker.

instances like these just had you rolling your eyes. lee minho was attracted to you but was just too stubborn to admit it. you could see it in the way he would make majorly green flag guys walk away too.

and it made you angry. he was too afraid to have you yet he wouldn’t let others do the same.

after one frightening incident at the club where you’d almost gotten roofied, chan banned you from going out alone and you agreed to his terms. even apologising for being to reckless.

chan didn’t let any guys come over anymore and you respected that. and you realised how foolish you’d been.

if lee minho wasn’t going to admit his attraction towards you, you weren’t going to act out to get his attention. he had decide for himself and there was no point in destroying yourself to get over him.

“i am not going to let another man break your heart again y/n. i should’ve guessed that by seeing how hyunjin was so fucking scared of me.”

and the only men who were not afraid of chan were lee minho and han jisung.

so when you began to hang out more and more with jisung, the more did lee minho disappear from your thoughts. being one of the only two men who were brave enough to withstand your brothers wrath, jisung took full advantage of every opportunity to spend time with you.

“you know, i’m really surprised with how we fit in so well.” jisung mused one day, as you both stood in the line for popcorn. “i mean, a few years ago i would’ve never been expected us to get so close.”

you nodded, listening to his words intently. “true, but i guess, times change and people change.”

people change

yes, people changed so fucking much and lee minho was one of them.

“do you want a large or medium?” he asked as you neared the counter.

“large, i don’t care if there barely no difference i just want a lot more than medium.” you shrugged and jisung grinned.

“as expected of y/n.” he chuckled before he turned to order.

as he spelled out your order, you glanced around the movie theatre, finding all sorts of people even though it was an early morning show. well, 9 am was not too early but by a college students standard it was.

you didn’t really trust anyone to take you out at night, not after 11 atleast. the last few times had been not too pretty in the streets and you didn’t want a repeat of those times.

the last few times when some drunk men had tried to touch you up and you had to punch them away. or that time when a biker gang followed you halfway before minho had arrived and pulled you into his car, or that time at the club where the bartender was flirting a little too explicitly for your liking and minho had shut him down with threats so vile, they sent a shiver down your spine. or that time when a guy wouldn’t let you walk back alone even though it was a blind day and you obviously didn’t want him knowing your address. minho had showed up, like he always did and made sure the guy walked back with a sore eye.

“here.” minho had wrapped his jacket around your shoulders as he’d walked you back, cuddled deep in his arm.

“here-.” jisung handed you your drink, him carrying a tray of your food as you both progressed to your movie hall.

“i wonder how this one will turn out, hopefully there aren’t any man eating sharks and black magic practising witches in this one.” jisung wondered, making you grin.

you and jisung had a simple tradition, a little pact of yours where the two of you would watch the worst movies at the box office and compare them. while it was a lot of fun watching good, hit movies, watching flop movies made it a lot more fun with all your thesis and criticism which followed.

“hey! that was a good one too! don’t look down on talking sharks and crazy witches.” you rolled your eyes slightly as you both settled in your seats and let the movie begin.

you didn’t notice how minho had not shown up at all that day.

—

six

“i take it that jisung treats you well?” chan inquired as he painted your toenails and you read your book. “let me know if he doesn’t-.”

“chan we’re not dating-.” you interrupted him, making him look up in confusion.

“what?”

“i said we’re not dating. me and han.” you confirmed, placing your book back down.

“wait really? but aren’t you two, attached at your hips like all the time? and didn’t you just say you love him on the phone the other night?” he placed the nail polish down, looking at you as he waited for an explanation. "minho told me you guys are dating?"

"well, then tell minho that he caught it wrong." you sighed. “we’re just very close friends channie, and that was a purely friendly and platonic i love you okay? there’s nothing between us. we both just really enjoy each other’s company. that’s all there is to it.”

“besides, i’m done dating boys. they’re good for nothing aside from breaking your heart”. you softly added, alluding to minho but chan believe you meant to aim that at hyunjin.

chan sighed, picking the nail paint back up as he resumed his strokes. “well baby sis, it’s always tough finding the one for you. there are a lot of creeps out there and i just want you stay safe and protected. i don’t mean to say that you can’t date, i just want you to be careful and find a man who cares for you. someone who can always stay by your side and love you forever.”

he finished the final coat and smiled at you. “and dating around does not help. i cant help but feel this sense of panic. what if the guy is a pervert, what if he’s only there for sex? what if he’s this misogynistic alpha male-.”

“channie-.” you mumbled, reaching out for his hand.

“i just want you to find love, real true love.” he finished, placing the bottle down with a sad smile. “and i won’t let just any man ruin the idea of true love for you.”

“i understand.” you whispered, letting chan bare his innermost thoughts to you.

“i will find true love, don’t worry chan.”

if only lee minho ever gained control of his feelings that is.

—

seven

"so there's this dance thingy at the end of the next month-" jisung flopped down on your bed as you read your book. "and i was wondering if you would go with me."

you turned the page, eyes focused on the printed words in front of you as you took his words in. you knew he was talking about the dance that the theatre club had planned. a themed 90s-style ballroom event. "sure, i thought we were going together anyway."

"yes but." jisung paused, getting his head propped up on one hand as he stared at you. "i was wondering if you'd maybe go as my date." he finished, cheeks slightly pink as you paused reading to look at him.

you'd been so caught up in trying to get over minho and a hopeless unrequited love story that you knew would never change, that you'd forgotten what it had felt like dating people with actual feelings for you. dates, going out, hangouts and romance had all blurred in your life for the past few months but a deeper look at jisung's face told you that maybe, you'd felt for the squirrel-cheeked boy in the past few months.

"you mean, like a romantic date?" you slowly bit your lip, considering the possibility.

"um yeah, only if you're comfortable with it though. i know you have some reservations when to comes to dating and i totally understand that so you can say no if you want to and i won't feel bad and i'll still even go as a friend so you don't have to worry about that at all-" he began blabbering but you cut him off with a swift kiss to his lips.

he almosy froze as you leaned back, smiling sneakily at him as you took in his dazed wide eyed expression. "how about that for an answer?"

"you!" jisung cried out, immediately straightening up to take a hold of your face to kiss you once more.

you giggled, feeling him grab your face to his as he placed a big smooch on your lips. "now you're gonna get thousand such kisses!" he joked as he tackled you in a hug, not taking his lips off of yours as he placed multiple kisses.

"ji! stop! it tickles!!" you laughed as he kissed you face.

your heart was finally soaring and it felt good.

-

"i'll see you tomorrow morning then my lady." jisung bowed, putting on his best cat noir expressions and voice. "try not to think of my handsome face too much."

you frowned, sticking your tongue out at him as you led him down the hallway to the door. "trust me, that won't be a problem."

he sighed as he reached the door, then turned to look at you with a deep look in his eyes. you raised your eyebrows in a silent question but the quick shifting of his eyes from your lips to your eyes had you smiling softly.

you pulled him closer by his hoodie as you planted a soft peck on his lips which he turned into a deep kiss. you sighed happily, feeling the crevices of his lips on yours as they covered yours and made you feel so light, so free-

"you should go-" you broke apart hastily and he nodded as he said the same thing as you. "i should go-"

the two of you broke out into identical snickers as you bid him a goodbye and he left with a devastating wink.

you walked to the kitchen to fix yourself some dinner when minho walked into the room, looking extremely angry at something. his whole body was tensed, fists clenched at his sides as his eyes were transformed into two slits of fury.

you blinked at his angry figure before shrugging it away and decided to make the easiest thing- pasta.

"would you like some pasta for dinner?" you gingerly asked minho, afraid of riling him up.

"oh are you making pasta for dinner?" he snapped his head up from his phone as he looked at you pointedly from his place on the sofa. "are you really?"

you were taken aback by the sudden hostility in his voice as you dropped the packet of penne back on the counter and turned to look at him. "what is that supposed to mean?"

he sighed, tilting his head as looked at you with anger in his eyes. "oh you never know if you actually mean what you say. you know, with your whole lying streak?" he sneered and your eyebrows furrowed as you placed your hands on your hips.

"excuse me? what are you on about?"

minho scoffed, looking away in disbelief. "oh look, the prim and proper princess is now denying her own actions. how cute." he mocked you and your cheeks turned red in frustration.

"what the fuck are you saying? are you fucking drunk?" you cried out, not liking this minho one bit.

"and there you go. pretending not to know anything about things that are painfully obvious right in front of you!" minho suddenly blurted his words out, snapping his gaze to yours. "do not even pretend to play innocent y/n you know very well what you did wrong."

your expression morphed into one of intense confusion as you tried to understand minho's words. "min what even-"

"DON'T Y/N!" he stood up, exasperated at this conversation. "i don't want anymore of your ignorant bullshit okay? i have had enough of dealing with the mess of your heartbreak and your rebellious little teenage acts and i won't have a second more of them okay? it's about time you considered others feelings and fucking noticed what was happening right under your fucking nose!" he yelled, making you blink rapidly at the situation.

"are you angry with me? for acting out? well news flash you dick- there would be no acting out had it not been for your stupid ass that's always on my clock stopping from doing things i actually want to do and hell, its not even acting out, its normal teenage behavior which everyone engages in at least once in your life so fucking save us both the trouble of this useless argument and fucking tell me what is actually wrong!" you responded back with equal anger in your voice as minho looked at you with red cheeks.

"oh really? you call it 'normal behaviour'? going out and hooking up with random guys is fucking acting out!" minho spluttered and you gasped.

"oh and so being on my case, your best friend's little sister's case all the time is perfectly normal? that's not fuckign weird to you?" you made sure to specify the best friend's little sister part and this statement actually made minho blink twice. he looked shaken up for a moment as he didn't respond for a good ten seconds.

"so why do you have to act so reckless?"

"i don't act reckless! you don't even let me act normal! you never let me even date or go out so what am i supposed to do? slave my life away in this apartment?"

minho inhaled deeply before he let out a deep sigh. "oh y/n. you will never understand it will you." he groaned, and you could've sworn you saw a tear in his eye.

"have fun making your past, if that is what you're fucking making." he mumbled as he turned away dejectedly. you watched his retreating back with glossy eyes as he stopped near the door. "oh, and i wish you and han fucking good luck."

realisation rang through you.

"well, then tell minho that he caught it wrong." you sighed. “we’re just very close friends channie, and that was a purely friendly and platonic i love you okay? there’s nothing between us. we both just really enjoy each other’s company. that’s all there is to it.”

oh-

but it was too late.

__

eight

you were dressed up in a beautiful dress that you adored. tight and fluffed out at the right parts, it hung on your body so perfectly it felt like it was made just for you to wear. the make up and the hair made it all the more magical as you felt ethereal walking through the doors of the ballroom.

jisung at your side, with your hand locked around his elbow, looked especially more handsome today. his otherwise fluffy hair was combed neatly and slicked back with gel as he wore a white dress shirt, black pants and red and black corset to emphasise his built shoulders and tiny waist. he matched your dress in every sense from the fabric to the gold accessories you both had on.

“you look so beautiful.” he murmured in your ear as you both neared your friend circle.

you waved hi at chan, hyunjin and changbin. effectively ignoring minho and not making it too obvious. the two of you had not yet revolved the tension nor talked about the argument and it was honestly making you feel horrible about what you did. or did not in this situation.

you felt the obligation to walk up to him to tell him that you didn’t mean to lie to him and that you and jisung had very well not been dating when you’d said that to chan, but his closed off and cold attitude towards you had you thinking otherwise. why should you care about putting his feelings first if he was refusing to do the same for you?

“you guys!” hyunjin clapped his hands, wolf whistling at you two. “i knew you two would hit it off. and honestly you both look amazing together!” he complimented with a happy smile and you knew it was genuine.

there was no reason for it to not be genuine since you both knew the real reason for your break up. hyunjin and you had made peace with your situation. lee minho on the other hand, scoffed loudly enough to make the group look at him. he frowned at hyunjin before turning his attention to the coca cola in his hands.

you tried not to stare at minho and how handsome he looked. he was dressed in a black dress shirt, black pants and a red and gold corset that snug up to his built chest and emphasised his strong arms.

his hair was styled neatly, with a few strands falling into his eyes while the rest was combed back in the most decently messy way. it gave him the air of a messed up horse rider, straight out from the infernal devices.

he looked as devastatingly handsome as will herondale.

“is there a problem?” hyunjin rose an eyebrow, his distaste for minho obvious since he knew what others didn’t.

minho rolled his eyes before he walked away, ignoring all of you.

“he’s been that way for the past few days. says he’s going through a rough patch with his dancing.” chan explained but you saw through minho’s excuse very well. he’d been saying that to you both for the past month, but you knew better. “he’ll be fine.” chan shrugged the concerns away.

no he won’t. he’ll probably brood in a dark corner all night.

“oh, makes sense.” jisung nodded, slipping his fingers down to yours as he interlaced them. “should we go and dance pretty lady?”

you smiled at him, letting him take you away to the dance floor.

you could notice someone’s gaze on you from afar. and for some reason you knew who it would belong it.

you caught a glimpse of minho staring at you as you turned in jisung’s arms.

jisung had pulled you close, his hands on your waist and your on his shoulders and chest. he smiled softly as he shook to it body lightly under the soft lights of the dance floor.

you blushed under the adoring stare, but refused to back away. letting yourself away along the beautiful music, you enjoyed dancing with jisung.

but minho’s eyes had never left your dancing figure for even a minute.

when the song came to an end, jisung tastefully dipped you into a bow, his hands secured around the curve of your waist and lower back to ensure your safety. “you look gorgeous.” he smiled with genuine grace as he helped you back up and stand straight. “thank you, you look heart wrenching handsome too jisung.” you whispered, swaying slowly with him as the music changed to a slower tempo. and he did, he looked exceptionally good tonight as he’d put in extra efforts to make his best features stand out.

without meaning to, your eyes wandered over to the side lines, for some reason near the area where minho had stood. staring at you without interruptions as you’d danced your way with jisung.

like you expected, minho’s gaze was trained on you, expression stoic with no emotion on his face as neither his eyes nor face revealed what he was thinking.

“and now! we crown our best dressed couple!” the host yelled into the mic, making your attention snap to the stage. this resulted in cheers from the crowd.

“huh?” you mumbled, surprised at the sudden intervention.

“oh, the club is gonna crown a couple for being the best dressed. they wanted to keep it as an incentive for people to dress up.” jisung mumbled, his eyes a little unfocused as he frowned softly.

“and… the best dressed couple goes to…” the host, jennie, built up the atmosphere along with the drumrolls. “kim taehyung from year 4 and choi heewon from year 4!” she finished with a loud smile and the crowd erupted into loud cheers as the two shyly walked up to the stage to receive their crowns.

you clapped along with the others, and had to admit that the two really did look the best dressed around here.

they were given sashes and crowns with bouquets, pictures were clicked and then were ushered back down for the couple dance.

you waited for the music to start and for them to start dancing, but jennie halted everyone’s eyes. “there’s a small surprise this year round, since we focus on 90s style romantic dances, we decided to give away one more title- to the best couple.” she smiled and people cheered louder.

“any guesses?” she questioned, making people yell out various names. you had to give it to her, she knew how to keep a crowd going.

you sneaked a smile to jisung who was holding your hand loosely, smiling softly at you. he brought up a hand to cast away a strand of a stray curl before leaning in. “i won’t blame you.”

he whispered hastily in your ear, placed a soft kiss on your cheek before swiftly leaning away. you frowned, eyes asking him to explain further but the entire crowd was now looking at you, cheering your name as you realised with a sudden shock.

you and jisung had won.

“let’s go princess.” he took your hand and dragged you to the stage as people yelled- y/n and jisung! y/n and jisung!

you gulped as the flowers and sash was handed to you, the blinding lights of the stage poked your eye but thankfully you accepted all the gifts with proper words.

“and now the best couples will dance!” jennie yelled out, and the lights dimmed, finally letting you see lee minho, he stared at you right in your eyes once as you readied yourself to dance with jisung. then he moved to turn on his back with a hurtful frown on his face, as he left the hall.

you watched him back away as the music began and you forced a smile to dance. “congratulations.” you stifled out to jisung who mumbled one back.

“look here princess.” he placed two fingers under your chin, making you look up at him. “i will say this again, i won’t blame you.”

“what-.” you gazed into his concerned eyes as jisung sighed, slowing his pace.

“i won’t blame you if you go after him right now princess, leave. i know how bad it is to be in love with someone who can’t be yours.” he wistfully smiled, locking another stray curl in its place as he caressed your cheek.

“go get him tiger.” he placed a quick kiss to your cheek as you stared at him with teary eyes.

“but but he-.” you stumbled out and he shook his head.

“he is an idiot who can’t digest feelings. go and fucking show that idiot that he’s missing out on the best thing that’s happened to him.” jisung completed, dragging you away from the dance circle as he left your hands.

“go tell him you love him for me y/n.” he sighed, taking off the crown. “he is yours after all.”

you smiled gratefully as you engulfed him in a hug. “thank you thank you thank you!” you gushed, heart twisting in painful ways as you rushed to find minho.

and you did find him in the hallway.

kissing another girl.

—

nine

chan was right.

boys are stupid.

you sniffed your heartache away as you turned away from the scene with a heart wrenching punch to your gut. you couldn’t bear to see the man you loved kiss another woman and you wanted to get out of that place as soon as possible. you didn’t wait for a seconds breath as you rushed back to the exit, ignoring the pang in your heart.

“woah y/n!” you ran into hyunjin, he’d been leaving as well but with a girl on his side. clearly they had plans.

“i am sorry,” you quickly apologise for bumping into the two and kept your face down to hide your tears.

“no wait!” hyunjin called after you, rushing to hold your elbow. “y/n wait.”

“i’m fine hyunjin, go back to your date please.” you stammered through your breathy tone, blinking rapidly.

“no.” he said and turned to walk back to the girl.

he came back within seconds, taking a hold of your shoulders as he made you look at him. “oh sweetheart what happened to you?”

you licked your lips, tears still falling as you stared back at him. “i need to get out of here.” you muttered and hyunjin nodded. “of course let’s go.”

“take care y/n, hyunjin if you guys need anything, call me okay?” the girl who was with hyunjin squeezed your arm and smiled caringly before walking away.

as you walked out of the building, hyunjin on your side, you felt the panic rush back to you. the image of minho kissing that woman haunted your eyes. you hated how terrible it made you feel.

“i’ll call chan, shit.” hyunjin mumbled in panic as he saw your broken face and more tears flooded through.

“no.” you held out a hand. “i don’t want to trouble him.”

you couldn’t possibly tell your big brother that the men he was so hellbent on protecting you from had hurt you, and in the form of his best friend.

“you should go back to your date hyune, it’s okay i’ll be alright.” you choked out, wiping your messed up eyes.

you were sure you looked like horrible right now, with messed up eyes and teary eyes.

hyunjin scoffed, unlocking his cars door as he waited for you to sit in. “she is not more important than you y/n. now get in the car. i’m taking you home.”

—

han jisung saw lee minho walk back into the hall alone and immediately walks over to him. minho raised an eyebrow, but jisung simply handed him his crown with a smile on his face.

"thanks?" minho said, frowning at the crown and jisung felt doubtful.

“dude, where’s y/n?” jisung asked, confused on why minho was alone. and why did minho look so annoyed?

“um i don’t know?” minho mumbled, his confusion growing. "isn't she YOUR date han?" he gave jisung a pointed look to which jisung bit his lip.

"oh my god you didn't meet y/n? she left fifteen minutes to meet you!" jisung revealed to which minho's eyes widened.

"WHAT?" minho cried out. "what did you say?"

jisung groaned, slapping his face as he cursed lowly. "what the fuck man, she left me to go to you!" jisung explained. "we realised how she didn't really want to be with me and ran to meet you to tell you something important. what the fuck did you do lee? where is she and why did she not meet you halfway?"

minho's heart raced as panic overtook his emotions. about fifteen minutes ago so that means-

fuck.

he cursed out loud as he held in his hands, crying out in frustration. "FUCK FUCK FUCK!!"

"what? what happened?" jisung asked, his threatening look toward minho was still obvious.

"i think she saw me and yuna kiss." minho mumbled slowly, each word dripping with a sense of regret, anger and pain.

jisung's expression changed to one of disbelief as he couldn't process that blunder that had taken place. "wonderful. wonderful man this is just fucking peachy!" jisung growled, doubling down on minho who looked scared.

"where is she then?"

"i don't know!"

"you guys good?" chan appeared at their side, a drink in his hand and a concerned look on his face. "you both looked like you were having a fight from there."

minho and jisung stiffened. if chan was unaware of your whereabouts, and minho and jisung were none the wiser then it could mean only one thing.

hyunjin.

minho's eyes scanned the party at light speed and found no trace of hyunjin, infact, his plus one was talking to her girlfriends.

fucking hell.

there was no way he was going to let hwang stay with her when she was vulnerable. he couldn't lose to fucking hwang hyunjin again.

"yup, we're good. just a minor disageement about a group project. nothing to worry about." jisung answered and chan nodded.

"cool, have you guys seen y/n? where is she han, i've been trying to get a hold of her. she isn't even picking up."

jisung's eyes widened as he thought of a possible excuse but chan's phone rang and saved the two.

chan picked up the call with a normal face that slowly morphed into one of anger. minho had an inkling that the caller was hwang.

chan yelled into his phone "what? why is she crying?" minho's heart broke further at that.

"fuck okay ill be right there."

"you two." he pointed a dangerous finger at the two of them. "we are not done okay? hwang told me some things and this discussion is overdue."

"and you, don't fucking tell me when you come home tonight and you better stay out of y/n's sight till we talk this out."

and with that chan sent them a glare, one of betrayal at minho and rushed out of the hall.

minho cursed slowly as he realised the gravity of the situation. he realised that the stone weighing down on his heart was not going to save him anymore and that he really had ruined the beautiful relationship between you and him.

"fuck i'm sorry thumper." he mumbled as a tear made his way down his right cheek. "i really am so fucking sorry thumper."

--

END

__

a/n- hope this was enjoyable, also this is not proofread so excuse any errors/typos.

LMFAO THIS IS NOT THE END THE SECOND PART IS BEING DRAFTED AS YOU READ PLEASE THIS IS NOT THE ANGST FIC THERE ARE FOUR OTHER ANGST ONES I CANT GIVE YALL SO MUCH PAIN.

taglist is open :)

UPDATE: PART TWO IS OUT NOW

[kassiekole22]

You're Beautiful

Picture edited by me.

Pairing: Josh Washington x Fem!Reader Description: You reflect on the time when you finally decided were forced to tell your long-time crush — Josh Washington — how you feel. Warnings: Fluff, Friends To Lovers, Pining, A Lot Of Angst Towards The End. Word Count: 1.6k A/N: Fic #2 of the Until Dawn Poll Fic Challenge! Also, this is technically my very first Wendigo!Josh fic! It was pretty fun to write, so expect more in the future. 🤭 Until then, I hope you enjoy this one! 🖤 Josh's MasterList: 🖤 Main MasterList: 🖤 Kassie's Angels: @lorebite, @mornandil, @koexchange, @yesitsloulou, @mistmoose, @jasonexo, @fortune-fool02, @raven-the-cryptid, and @imahyperfixatedbitch. (If you want to be added to the taglist, let me know in the comments! 🖤)

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"Truth or dare?"

I sat awkwardly in silence as the whole group stared at me with anticipation clear on their faces. I didn't know how I got roped into that stupid party game; it was more for twelve-year-olds than a bunch of people in their late teens.

But there I sat, contemplating my answer as my friends stared at me with a hungry look in their eyes as they waited for me to make a decision. If it had been anybody else, it would have been an easy answer: truth. But this wasn't anybody — this was Jess.

A few people knew about my crush on Josh: Hannah, Beth, Sam, Chris and even Jess too — though I knew that the others would keep their mouths shut until I was ready to express my feelings to him, I also knew that Jess was different. Now I'm not saying that having a friend with a bold and forward personality is a bad thing, but sometimes it can come with a price — and that price was my dignity.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I thought Jess would outright tell Josh about my crush — she was smarter than that. I knew for a fact that she would wait and leave me in a situation where I would have to tell him. And tonight was most likely going to be that night.

"Well — truth or dare, (Y/N)?" Jess asked again with a huge smirk growing on her face. The devilish and mischievous look in her eyes didn't help my nerves either. "You have to choose one."

Without giving it a second of thought and panicking due to all the impatient eyes staring me down, I blurted out a word that I knew I'd regret saying fast: "Dare!"

All the eyes widened in the room due to my bold answer, even Jess'. It seemed like nobody expected me to choose dare, since I was always the "play it safe" type of girl. But as fast as that shocked expression etched into Jess' features, a new and more sinister smirk grew.

"Ok." She sang angelicly as a new, and very fake innocence filtered through her voice. "I dare you to..."

I knew damn well that she was only dragging this out to add to the anticipation, because it was clear in her eyes that she already knew her answer. Her eyes burned holes in mine, as her smirk broadened with much excitement.

"Kiss the most beautiful person in the room!"

I nearly choked on my own spit as her words met my ears. Everybody began whispering and looking to see everyone else's expressions, which didn't help the matter. I had told Jess hundreds of times just how beautiful I found Josh to be, so she clearly knew what she was up to.

I glared her down as if I was trying to kill her with my mind, while she merely bit her bottom lip to repress a laugh. I looked around the room to see the ones who knew looking sorry and scared for me, while Emily seemed more focused on her nails than anything, and then Mike seemed almost ready for me to come to him with puckered lips. And then there was Josh, sitting there with a big smile on his face; it was obvious that he was oblivious of the situation.

I heaved a deep and defeated sigh before standing up, passing a very horned-up Mike, and shyly approached the guy I had wanted for so long. He stared up at me with a sweet smile on his face and a look of innocence in his eyes, which was weird for the dirty-minded fucker we all knew he was.

After inhaling and exhaling deeply one more time — almost as if to gain some sort of confidence I knew I wouldn't obtain by one more deep breath — I leaned down in front of him, and gently placed my lips against his own.

The room filled with audible gasps and more whispers, but none of it mattered or seemed incoherent in my now intoxicated mind. I melted into the kiss as my nerves seemed to die down, not giving a damn about what the others were saying or thinking. And to my surprise, he leaned into the kiss as well, seemingly enjoying it as his arms snaked around my form to hold me close. After what felt like an eternity, I pulled back to meet the gaze of a very flustered Josh. I couldn't help but smile at how his eyes were blown wide and his face was as red as a tomato; it was cute, though I knew his face most likely mirrored my own.

I chose that exact moment to lean in again, until my lips were just barely brushing his ear.

"You're the most beautiful man I have ever seen." I whispered softly, so no other could hear my intimate thoughts that were only meant to be heard by the one who meant to most to me.

My heart was pounding — not only from the adrenaline from what I just did, but from the amount of love I felt for him and the excitement I felt, knowing that this may be the start to a future together — a future that would change our lives for the better forever. I couldn't stop smiling, since the amount of happiness I felt couldn't compare to anything I had ever felt before. I knew at that moment that from that day on, things were only going to get better.

That feels like so long ago now...

Now I sit in a hospital room, eagerly waiting for the doctor to give us any kind of news. The only sounds I hear are my heart beat ringing in my ears — no longer due to the happiness I felt two years prior — the sounds of doctors and nurses rushing by to save lives, and the soft cries of Josh's mother as her husband holds her close. I can't stand it — it hurts too much, sitting here while completely powerless. The fear and heartbreak I feel is like nothing I've ever felt before, and I know there is a strong chance that it could only get worse.

I have been going to the hospital every day for two weeks, repeating the same routine as I wait for answers — but barely anything ever comes. So for the time being, I watch the clock intensely, counting the seconds as they tick by — insync with my heartbeat and only making it all the more noticeable. On one hand, I'm happy that Josh is still alive; but just knowing a tiny bit of information about his condition makes it hard to feel any bit of joy. I just want my baby to be ok.

After what felt like a lifetime of waiting, the doctor finally comes out and delivers the news. I'm surprised to learn that he is finally becoming himself again, and asked for one person to come see him: me.

The doctor leads me to a darkened room, and warns me to keep my distance. Apparently, just because Josh is slowly gaining his humanity back, doesn't mean his wild side has gone completely. So I have to be careful and cautious. I enter the room alone, though I know there are cameras on me, watching my every move.

The doctor told me that the only reason the light has been so restricted, is because of the sensitivity of Josh's eyes. Spending two and a half weeks in the pure darkness of the mine weakened his irises and pupils, causing the color to drain from them almost completely and leaving him almost blind. If he is in any type of lighting at this time, it would be equivalent to having his eyes on fire. So for this reason, the room must remain as dark as possible.

There was only a was only a very dull light shining over his bed, provided for seeing purposes for doctors and visitors. And thanks to that little bit of light, I can see enough to move around. And after a few slow and hesitant steps, I approach a bed.

Tears fill my eyes as I stare down at his weakened form; he barely looks like himself anymore. His left cheek is torn, his teeth are sharp and he's the most pale I have ever seen him look. I can't help but notice all the cuts all over his face and arms as well, and I shudder at the fact that I know exactly what did it. It breaks my heart to see his limbs strapped down to the bed, as if he was some sort of psychopath. Though what Josh did would seem pretty psychotic to a stranger's eye, I know in my heart that he isn't — he is just in pain and needs others to feel what he's feeling.

After a few minutes of quiet investing on my part, Josh slowly turns his head in my direction and opens his eyes. He gazes up at me with a look of sorrow and remorse — as if he's telling me he's sorry with his now pale orbs. I take his hand in my own, quickly noticing the sharp claws replacing his nails. Just as I look down at them in shock, he let's out a mournful sob.

"I-I'm- I'm- a-a-a m-monster-r..." His voice comes out so raspy and coarse, that I nearly don't recognize it. But the sorrow and pain in his tone is strong enough to tell me that he needs me more than ever.

I lean down and place a very gentle kiss to his bruised forehead, before whispering ever so softly, "You're still the most beautiful man I've ever seen."

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[mostofthingsmostofthetime]

I finished the second episode of Heartstopper last night (wanted to post about it yesterday, but I was too tired from work), so here are some of my thoughts in no particular order for you now.

Good on Nick for checking up on Charlie after what happened. I found it odd, though, that he seemed more emotional about it than Charlie, but I guess they're in two very different places, mentally. One being 'why do I seem to like this guy way more than my other friends?' & the other being 'omg stop being so nice to me, your straight!' lol. Plus, I get that everyone deals with stuff in their own way & poor Charlie is probably so used to being mistreated that he might just be repressing the full weight of how his feeling as a copeing mechanism. It was also probably very cathartic to finally tell someone everything that happened between him & Ben (as I'm guessing he kept most if not all of it a secret from his friends & sister).

WE FINALLY MEET NELLIE!!!! And she is as cute as I'd hoped (though for some reason I expected her to be a different colour).

Sorry, Charlie, but Tori's right. Your hair looks exactly the same. Also, love that they kept the gag from the novel about her scaring him with her, always showing up suddenly without warning.

Nice to see that the outfits are on point for our boys so far with the plaid/black jeans (trying to impress someone, I see Charlie) & T-shirt/joggers (also what product is Miss Nelson using coz Nick's tops look soft as hell).

Wait, what season is it supposed to be because it looked really sunny when Charlie was walking to Nick's house (I know he was wearing a coat & hat but Charlie is always cold) but then suddenly it's snowing? Idk when Alice first came up with this story, but as a Brit, I haven't seen proper full on Snow since I was probably around eight years old. But hey, maybe in the Heartstopper universe, global warming doesn't exist.

I don’t care what anyone says, I will never get the fun of a snowball fight. If I go somewhere with a friend & they start throwing stuff at me, I'm leaving! Also, picking it up with your bare hands? One, it's been on the ground 🤢, and two, where are your gloves? Do you not feel the cold? Snow angles do look fun until I think about how my entire behind would be frozen/damp. Sorry if that makes me a "stick in the mud", I don't care 😝.

Damn, that is one photogenic dog & and aww, they already look like a couple. Also, give it up for Nick's freckles, the real star of the show 👏.

Omg, being in the same group as someone you hate must be so hard, but I get why Nick can't really say anything about what Ben did, at least not right now. Also, what is up with that Imogen girl? Mind your damn business.

I think it's good we get to see Elle longing for a bond with other girls that she just can't get from her male friend group. Makes her transition feel more fleshed out (for lack of a better word), you know?

Yay, we finally meet Tara & Darcy & they're exactly how I thought they'd be (except I imagined Darcy with brown hair for some reason). Ooh I didn't know Elle was artistic. I wanna decorate pencil cases now. Tara's pink puffa coat is so cute. What is up with adults dictating how long kids' hair can be? Like who gives a fuck! Also "gal pals" had me 😆.

Oh, thank god, it's just misinformation. For a second, I thought Tao was making shit up just to make Charlie get over his crush. Are kids really like that, though? I can't imagine kissing someone once & having people insist, I'm madly in love with them to this day, like move on already.

Ok, I officially really like the gay teacher, lol.

Love Charlie's sweater & Nick's coats are also very nice. Where are these kids getting their clothes? Coz I'm embarrassed by most of the stuff I wore as a teenager.

The big hoodie moment should be cute, but I just can't help thinking about how skinny Charlie is, which makes me ☹️.

Ok, so I didn't care much for the leaf animation in the first episode, but omg, the little fire crackles when Nick was trying to hold Charlie's hand? Screaming, crying, throwing up!!!!!!! & the hug before he left? Fucking crops watered for life, bitch!

Was digging Elle's outfit, very 70's vibes.

Ah, so their "secret" is out. Also obligatory: 🗣 LET'S GO LESBIANS LET'S GO 🗣

Can't wait for the next episode, but I practically passed out after watching episode 2 (manual labour is hard, kids 😭), so maybe I hallucinated, but did that Imogen girl ask Nick out? I thought she was daiting Ben? Or is that a different girl?

PS. I found out Aled won't be in the show, which I accept & the only reason I haven't talked about Isaac is because he hasn't really done much yet

[yzafre]

Kairi, Namine, Xion, and using their words

So KH has a lot of characters that are off-shoots of previous ones, and it can be fun to look for the parallels and the difference. While trying to figure out Kairi's "voice", I found it interesting to compare how the three "Kairi variations" used their words when experiencing overwhelming or negative emotions. How they handle these moments are very interesting.

Let's look at three memorable quotes by them, to show what I mean:

"Sora, let's take the raft and go. Just the two of us!"

Everyone talks about this line at some point. Like, what a weird thing for Kairi to say when we're still being introduced to her character! Riku's supposed to be her friend too, right?

Well, let's look at the context - not of everything that's going on around them, but of the conversation. What does she say right before?

"You know, Riku has changed."

Okay, so she's thinking about the ways Riku has been different now - probably in a way that upset or scares her. As other's have noticed, Kairi isn't as interested in leaving the islands (a safe place) as the others - an aversion to uncomfortable things. Riku is her friend, but it's not unbelievable a part of her wants to get away from whatever the change is that scares her.

So she has this mixed feeling about Riku, she tries to bring it up but ends up dancing around it, which Sora does not understand, obviously. Then, instead of explaining what she means, just jumps like, 10 steps ahead.

What this implies to me is that Kairi doesn't want to face this (any?) complex negative emotion head on. Maybe because it's her own fear and resentment? There's an element of avoidance of repression, here.

And then! And then as soon as it's out she immediately backtracks. Immediately laughs it off. "Just kidding!"

That makes it seem to me that her line about the raft was involuntary. She did not think ahead, maybe didn't even mean to say that at all, certainly regretted it as soon as she said it. It is definitely an expression of an honest, maybe a bit ugly, emotion she's experiencing, but is not the full context. It's certainly not the root of the issue. She's still dancing around it.

To summarize: either low levels of understanding of what she's feeling or some kind of repression, and involuntary use of words (meaning just about anything can come out)

"Nobody needs to keep a bunch of memories that aren't real, right?"

Oh, Namine. So we all agree this is a bit passive-aggressive, right? But also, I think, a bit genuine.

She is very aware that she caused this situation, and that she hurt Sora first. She's trying to acknowledge that she understands, but... she just can't help giving it a passive-aggressive edge.

Namine is all about repression (and also self-loathing, but that's not this conversation). She basically spends her entire life in a cage, having to make herself small. If we extrapolate even further, she probably spends a lot of time in her head thinking about her own situation and maybe even her feelings. That awareness could even be seen as a survival skill, in her situation.

She knows she did wrong and she knows she's upset. She tries to prioritize one over the other - but unsuccessfully.

So what we get with Namine is high awareness of her feeling, and an attempt to use her words constructively, but her control slips and some involuntary messaging slips through.

"So, do you hate me for taking your friend away from you?"

Xion uses her works like knives, seriously. There's a hint of this in her "Or what? They'll turn me into a dusk?" line with Axel, but I thought I'd use this quote instead.

I think I maybe mentioned this in another post somewhere, but in conflict Xion has a conversational pattern that goes "soft soft soft GOES FOR YOUR THROAT" that shows up multiple times throughout Days.

So, set-up for this conversation. Xion is suddenly getting a lot of answers and thus processing a lot of information, a lot of which I think confirms her own brand of self-loathing.

But what she turns around and says is not about her feelings (... on the surface, we'll get around to that), it's about provoking the other person.

It would be entirely understandable for Riku to be upset wither her, which would possibly stand as a threat, and she tries to confront that head on to get a reaction out of him.

She has enough awareness to know what she wants, and that she's feeling cornered, but the exact phrasing she used is interesting considering her situation:

Do you hate me for taking your friend away?

Because before she got these answers, what she already knew was that she could end up hurting Roxas. Realistically, this could be a question she'd want to ask Axel:

Will you hate me if I take our friend away.

And I do think she knows that's what she's afraid of, deep down, but she's too scared to actually ask (keeps running away). What I don't think she's aware of is that she's using Riku as a proxy, here. I think she's just trying to control the conversation.

So, with Xion we have: mixed levels of emotional awareness, but high control of her use of words.

Maybe it doesn't mean much, but I find it interesting. They all will say the most insane things under pressure, but it comes out in very different ways, with very different intent.

Kairi, who will avoid till things get too much then blurt things out involuntarily, then try to take it back.

Namine, who will try to control the narrative but can't stop keep the edge of passive-aggressiveness out.

Xion, who would rather go on the attack before you can hurt her first.

[padme-amitabha]

I read your opinions on Ahsoka and while I like her I agree, I think her fandom is making me dislike her, the final straw for me was reading takes that Ahsoka was Anakin's child more than Luke ever was because he spend more time with her than with Luke despite Anakin ALWAYS aknowledged Luke as his son, I mean remember the iconic "I'm your father" scene? And how after that he always called Luke in his mind as "my son"? Anakin may had not raised Luke, but he always loved his son, ever since Padmé told him that she was pregnant he considered his baby a blessing and the happiest moment of his life, so no wonder those feelings resurfaced when he found out that Luke lived between ANH and ESB, I mean, he came to the Light for him! His baby boy. I even read a Youtube comment saying that when Anakin said Luke before dying "Tell your sister...you were right..." now it refered to Ahsoka when those words were for Leia! Yes, we know Leia sees Bail as her father and has zero connection with Anakin, but even so, those final words were for her. Canonically Anakin saw Ahsoka as much a younger sister, he always refered Luke as his son and Leia as Luke's sister and thus, his daughter. I dislike reading how people are trying to server Anakin from his family (from Padmé to now Luke and Leia) to place Ahsoka in the picture, guys, you can have both! (sorry for the rant)

I totally get it. My issue with her character mainly started from the fact that she is shoehorned into anything that involves the skywalkers. Imagine if she was in the movies, I would think her arc would be very redundant in the PT because we are closely following the Jedi masters and council as well as politicians as they are central to the plot and conflict. The fact that she wasn't in it establishes she is an afterthought. And I think she wouldn't have been so bad if she was a character with a standalone arc and story but now she's just everywhere and I disliked her introduction as Anakin's padawan because the PT establishes Anakin is quite young and flawed and its his journey we are exploring from little Ani to Darth Vader throughout the six films. He is allowed to be an innocent kid, brooding emotional teenager and also a hero. He is the Chosen One but not once is he a Gary Stu, in fact he goes through phases that annoys other characters like Obi Wan. He isn't overpowered either because we see him suffer two huge defeats in the films. He makes mistakes and the wrong choices and can be selfish at times, and other times he tries to be a good padawan and follow the rules and sometimes he disregards them, he lets others boss him around too, he is scared but wants to be a good father and husband etc etc. you get the idea. He's not perfect and that's the point and I think Hayden nails the repressed monk persona. The only reason Ahsoka was introduced was part of "fixing" Anakin's character and to make him more fun but it seems so unbelievable the council would assign someone like Anakin with an impressionable youngling (who is strangely rebellious despite having the same upbringing as the rest?). I just don't see Anakin as being a big brother to anyone or bantering with kids when he seemed understandably awkward and reserved. Also, Ahsoka's thick plot armor and her continuously inflated significance just confirms how much of a creator's pet she was and her whole character (especially when she's interacting with Anakin) feels very fanficy and the fact that she has almost zero flaws and she takes over the roles of every other important person in Anakin's life in the original story. I try not to pay attention to Filoni's pet because it just feels like pure wish fulfillment for him at this point. We could just have more of other cool female jedi like Shaak Ti, Depa, Aayla, or Yaddle as they were preexisting characters and weren't dependent on the Skywalkers for their arc - because I doubt Ahsoka would have been popular at all if she wasn't Anakin's padawan or acting like an Anakin wannabe (and getting away with it almost always while Anakin the CO was given no special treatment). At this rate, I wouldn't be surprised if Ahsoka is revealed to be the new chosen one or she's some insanely overpowered demigod lol. And I mean I guess her fans like her for many reasons but she just feels like a Mary Sue to me like you know a character is doomed when a creator admits he's too attached to the character for anything drastic and openly shows favoritism. Let's be honest she is kind of a nepo baby and acts like one too in the SWU. I guess some people are just seeing her as one now but I always thought she would be a Mary Sue because even the emotional moments she has and the few hardships or "deep" moments she gets is just by interacting with the Skywalkers or just dealing with things everyone else is going through. So I don't really feel the emotional value if she tells Luke he is like her father when literally anyone else who knew him could have said that. At least characters like Boba don't rely on mentioning Anakin in everything they appear in. I don't think her arc would even be well developed if she was detached from the existing prequel characters so it's like she just reinforces the same emotions we should feel except she's supposed to be fun and badass so the audience and her fans would empathize with the events more.

Like do people even really like her screentime in Rebels except from her fight with Anakin? And that scene's so memorable because it's with Anakin, a much more realistic and developed character. It's really Anakin who carries the scene and the emotional impact. Replace Ahsoka with any other padawan and it seems like she has no inherent value. She only seems to shine in moments she is interacting with PT era characters due to the backstory and flashbacks and the rest of the time she's just a token strong female jedi character. What is Ahsoka when she is not breaking Jedi rules constantly like she's special or getting in Anakin's business or running into other characters and reminiscing about the past? I could watch a standalone show on Anakin, Padme, Obi Wan, Qui Gon, Yoda or even Dooku just in their solo adventures because they bring a slightly new perspective to the SWU and there's some room for individuality. I could be wrong maybe they explored some of her personal ambitions than being a Jedi and making Anakin proud but I'm really not interested when her role is just so interchangeable. Even Padme has an entire movie around her (TPM) where we see more about her. Despite being Anakin's love interest, we can see how she is a main character and can carry a film without any romance with Anakin. Same with Obi-Wan. He had an entire movie solving mysteries and plots while Anakin and Padme were romancing. That's why they should be the main prequel trio because its always been two force sensitives and a non-force sensitive member. Just like Han, Padme brings a new perspective and skills in the team.

I wouldn't be too bothered about such claims as they always existed. Ahsoka is closer to Anakin than Obi Wan, Padme, Leia and now more than Luke. It's sad and funny how far Filoni will bend space and time to make room for the OC. As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't exist.

This channel has some good videos on her and I highly recommend these: part 1 and part 2

[gotylocks]

Willow Ep. 5- "Wildwood"

I feel like this episode was the first one that threw the standard fantasy vibe out the window and it was the right choice. If you're going into this show expecting LOTR or GOT, you're gonna be disappointed, but I love it. From the moment the driving rock guitar kicks in and the chase is on, it's clear this is a show more interested in fun than being deadly serious, and I realized how much it reminds me of A Knight's Tale (which rules).

But that's not really what I want to write about. Something that drives me crazy in shows is when characters refuse to just communicate with each other, and this is the episode that deals with that. Over the first 4 episodes, everyone had secrets they were keeping, and now while some secrets are intact, many others are brought into the open in a way that brings the party closer. This was the first time it felt like the party actually likes each other, which was very nice.

While a lot of stuff happens, I think this episode hinges on Kit and Jade's relationship more than the others. You have the intense emotional outburst from Kit when she's scared for Jade's safety (with Ruby Cruz letting out some absolutely heartbreaking screams of Jade's name), but then you have the truth plums bringing out both of their repressed feelings at long last.

This episode also recontextualizes the kiss from the first episode. That was their first kiss, given in a moment of passion, but Kit did it thinking she wasn't going to see Jade again. This is a big deal because it's been hanging over them ever since, neither one of them wanting to deal with what it meant for them. It is clear from episode 1, scene 1, these girls are crazy about each other, but I read it as neither of them understand that yet.

The way this is slowly developed, oddly enough at first, through Kit's discussions with Elora, is wonderful because it actually moves the romance with Jade forward while also giving us the first look at a real friendship with Elora. They are adorable while trying to get out of their cell and I can't wait for more.

Kit and Jade, in the woods, putting their honest feelings out into the open is huge. You feel the weight of their years of friendship, the fear that Kit has to admit how badly she needs Jade in her life to the point she is crying, the relief Jade has as she finally confesses her love. The incredible tension between them as they inch closer and closer, desperate to kiss but scared to finally take that step together, reminds me of a lyric by Pom Pom Squad (who also provided the cover of "Crimson and Clover" for this episode):

"I need you closer and you're not even an inch away" - Red With Love

The interruption at the hands of the trolls is frustrating, but it means that when they're finally reunited, nothing is going to stop that kiss from happening again and it's going to be awesome.

Kit and Jade are giving me the type of lesbian romance story I've always wanted and episode 6 can't get here soon enough.

[cerealboxlore]

feeling evil, have some angst

so twins mary and billy, their parents died and they were both “taken in” by ebenezer and, shockingly enough, he sucks

ebenezer ends up almost killing mary and ditches her in some alley or something where someone kind finds her and gets her into a better place/adopts her but she lost her memories due to the trauma, i imagine that she very vaguely remembers billy and just knows something is missing but generally lives a pretty good life

anyways, billy saw her get beaten by ebenezer and doesnt know what happened to her after and might assume shes dead

he leaves ebenezer and lives on the streets (maybe gets some sort of revenge?)

later he becomes the champion and even layer joins the league

and one day while on a mission with the league he gets hit by a magic spell (or maybe fear toxin? but i’m thinking more a spell) that makes him relive his worst memory/fear

he manages to hold off the effects until he gets to the watchtower (maybe thinks nothing is wrong until it hits him at the watchtower?) and his whole demeanour just changes

he goes from happy cap to scared child to so full of rage and sorrow that it engulfs martian manhunter

i can’t organise anymore of my thoughts rn but basically it’s not fun times

Never stop being evil, honey bee 🐝

I've been going absolutely buck wild over this and let me tell you, the angst in this nutrious fic meal is divine! My compliments to the chef! 👨‍🍳

For the twin batson siblings, it's always been a thought of mind of how they could get separated from each other for so long. It's a thing that has different scenarios and details depending on the author/writer, but I thoroughly enjoy the idea of Mary and Billy being under Ebeneezer's care until Ebeneezer decides to get rid of one of them, via not so good means, and the other ending up running away in fear. Billy was always the one who ran away in my eyes, but the reasons into his run away decision is much deeper than one originally thinks.

Billy doesn't want to run away. He's a child who needs protecting. But he's led to believe that he has to, out of fear and wanting to live. Seeing his own twin sister getting near the brink of death would traumatize Billy. They share the same face, seeing Mary get hurt would scare Billy into thinking he was next. Maybe Ebeneezer got tired of having to take care of children, maybe he wanted their trust funds/inheritance, or maybe there was an accident with his car and he didn't see Mary playing in the drive way (or did he), and wanted to ditch the body. So many scenarios that could have lead to the ultimate destruction of this family. Mary is also a child, and to go through all of that would certainly be painful for ber to endure. I wouldn't blame her if the memories of this was too much to handle, causing her to repress everything into an amnesia like state for her own safety. She's fortunate enough to get adopted into a new family and have a fresh start in life, but she will be apart and missing that half of her that is her brother. She may not remember Ebeneezer hurting her, but the scars will stay.

As for sweet Billy Batson, running away to become homeless wasn't easy, but it's a decision he felt was safer than being in that horror of a house. He eventually becomes the champion of magic and joins the Justice League, good for him, but the traumas and tragedies of his past haunt him more than he realizes. Despite having all the magic in the world, he's still a child crying for his parents and sister deep down. This can be exposed/played with if a certain Venusian worm wanted to experiment and rot away his mind to destroy him, and what better way to do it than with Mr. Mind partnering up with the Scarecrow. I'm unsure what deal they would have to work together, but the mind is a terrifying place that holds the person together. A mind controller and a man who is fear itself would have a hell of a time together facing the Justice League.

Perhaps these two are hunting down members of the league together, slowly making their attempts to dwindle their numbers of active heroes down for a larger scale plot. Make the heroes of the world defenseless against their minds and inner fears, too mentally weak to fight against the later plot. The JL is on high alert, warning their fellow heroes of what's to come. Cap is too late for their message, already a victim to the evil duo's diabolical mental manipulation. Mr. Mind knows who Cap is and uses it to his advantage, controlling his memories to bring forward the worst memories of his life; his time in Ebeneezer's house. The abuse the went though. The starvation. The sense of worthlessness. Reliving what he believes were Mary's last moments. The blood. The dread. The fear.

Billy knows he's losing his mind. He can feel his mental fortitude rotting away and melting into insanity over the waves of grief and wrath engulfing him. Perhaps this also causes the seven deadly enemies to being to break free from their prisons as well. He manages to make it to the watch tower, desperately admiting that he needs help immediately, losing his smile and crying a storm of tears that won't stop.

He's defenseless. He feels weak. Worthless. The memories that haunt him are possessing his every thought, eating away at him.

I'd very much like to see how Martian Manhunter would handle this situation, especially considering how he would find out fast that Billy is just a kid, but also the dangers of entering a mind that Mr. Mind has tampered with. I'd love to see more interactions between these people, as well as batman, since Scarecrow is his villain/rogue after all.

I had an absolute blast with this ask! There's so much potential that goes with Billy and his past traumas, especially when it concerns Mary. The constant separation anxiety they both must feel, but Mary doesn't know what she's feeling separated from must be awful.

Oh goodness I wrote a lot

[cookinguptales]

It's been bugging me for a while and I love your meta and all your thoughts, so I wanted to get your opinion on this.

Why do you think Nandor is so repressed? Or so in denial about Guillermo? I understand Guillermo and his motivations (well not so much this season but I can still make sense of them) but why is Nandor this way? I want to study him like a bug and go inside his brain

I, too, feel the feminine urge to put Nandor in a jar and shake him. I've had a couple days to think about this now, so here are my thoughts. There... are a lot of them, fair warning.

At first, I thought this was a loss response. He lost all 37 of his wives and their children in one fell swoop, and that seems to be something that has affected him strongly. And, y'know, I still think that's part of it. I think that after losing everything he had, the idea of trying again and making new relationships scares him. Having someone to love is having someone to lose, and Nandor is so afraid of loss.

But then, y'know, I thought about the actual relationships he had with his wives, and I think a lot of what affects him now affected him then, too. It's a little hard to tell because most of the information we have from him is several centuries removed from the actual events, but it does seem like he probably never loved any of them with his whole soul. He said he didn't love all of them, and that's by his own admission. He didn't fight to keep any of them when they all left, and none tried to stay with him despite his vampirism. And he was pretty clearly leaving them alone for long periods while he went on his campaigns.

I think it's kind of telling that of all the creatures for his ghost to remember and miss, it wasn't any of his wives, it wasn't any of his men. It was... a horse. So I think we can probably say that he had a hard time creating serious human relationships even when he was alive.

I think... I've talked about this before and I'll probably talk about it again, but I do think that Nandor's got an almost pathological sense of dissatisfaction. He's never actually satisfied with anything in his life and he's always chasing after the next big thing. But I think that's because he's afraid of the intimacy that comes from working at a relationship. It's easier to chase the idea of a relationship than build one with the people who are already close to you.

If you think about it, all of Nandor's serious love interests have never really demanded vulnerability from him. Even Gail, his longest-term relationship to date, was a fairly surface-level love story. She didn't expect much from him; he was just a guy for her to have some fun with every few years. The things they knew about each other were also very surface level. Like in the grand scheme of things, who cares if she likes yogurt and Bob Seger if you can't figure out her actual basic character motivations? It's important to remember little details about your SO, but Nandor was missing the forest for the trees.

So when he was alive and now that he's dead, we still have the same Nandor. A man who was constantly conquering new lands instead of cultivating the country he already had. (And immediately letting it fall to shit without even noticing once he was turned.) A man who had 37 wives, but not one who would stay with him once things got hairy. A man who was very happy to pursue new love interests, but very hesitant about actually giving them any real part of himself.

Nandor is a man who is all about acquisition, but he doesn't know what to do with things once he's got them. He loves the thrill of the chase, but the aching and terrifying vulnerability that comes after that is anathema to him. He's simply not willing to put in the work. He likes the fun part, the conquering, the fighting, the hunt. But actually opening up and cultivating a real relationship? Letting them see the awkward, weak parts of him? Trusting them to love him anyway?

He hates that.

I'm thinking back to season 1, y'know? When Guillermo got hurt? He told him that he was his friend, but then immediately felt too vulnerable and walked it back. That's Nandor. Letting people see the soft, unexplored emotions inside of him is too much for him. It makes him feel fundamentally unsafe the way a battlefield never has. Even he doesn't like examining those emotions too closely.

(And let's be real... a horse isn't going to ask you about your feelings.)

So then we have Guillermo. Guillermo, whom he cannot hypnotize into forgetting his awkward, embarrassing moments. Guillermo, who has slowly learned him over the years, both inside and out. Guillermo, who has seen him at his worst and still loves him. Guillermo, who knows him.

Nandor has a kind of intimacy with Guillermo that I'm not sure he's ever had with any other living soul, and I think that scares him. I think it thrills him, yes! I think that's sort of what was actually happening in that familiar fights episode. He senses this strange bond with Guillermo and wants to strengthen it and test it and wallow around in it. He can tell on a fundamental level that there is something important and good and fun there.

But he also refuses to examine it. He refuses to name it. He refuses to let Guillermo that last little step into his heart. To put it into the show's metaphorical terms, Guillermo has managed to break into Nandor's secret basement treasure room despite his best efforts, but Nandor still batted Guillermo's hands away when he tried to examine the treasure.

He still can't even force himself to admit that he likes those rainy Sunday movie nights with Guillermo or that Guillermo is his best friend. (Though Guillermo now seems to understand the things that Nandor cannot say, in these situations.) I think admitting to himself that he's in love with him is just far too much for him. I think admitting that he loves, truly loves, Guillermo would be admitting that he's never felt anything like this before. I think it would be admitting that he's never let anyone in this deep.

And most of all, I think that would be giving Guillermo the power to hurt him like no one has ever managed to do. Not his 37 wives, not his dead children, not Gail. No one. Because if he lets Guillermo see all the most intimate parts of him and Guillermo doesn't like what he sees... that would break him, I think. If Nandor finally allowed himself to really try with a relationship and still got rejected... well, let's just say that it would hurt a lot worse than Gail's rejection of the shallow version of himself that he allowed her to see.

I think that the real root of Nandor's issues is a fear of vulnerability, loss of control, and rejection. He won't let himself fully feel his feelings because he can't control where they'll go. We're talking about a literal former warlord over here. He likes to control things and he likes to feel powerful. The fact that he can't control his own emotions is troubling to him, and the fact that he can't control his relationships with others is even more so.

So he at least controls what he gives them of himself. What he allows himself to internally acknowledge. He still keeps some parts of him segmented off and secreted away. Because it's a way to protect himself and protect that sense of control. If he never allows himself to become fully vulnerable with a person, he can retain control. If he never allows anyone to fully know him, then they cannot reject the most fundamental parts of him that he never allowed them to see.

It is, I'm afraid, one of those mortifying ordeal of being known things.

We're starting to see him loosening up, though. He was willing to give up control of the Council. Control of the household. Control of his life to Guillermo. He's willing to be something other than the leader at all times. And he's starting to let go of those emotions he's kept on such a tight tether for all these years.

I keep coming back to s3, y'know? When he said, "I have no one to share my dreams or my fears with." That's what Nandor really wants here. He wants someone he can finally free himself around. He doesn't want someone that's willing to let him confide in them -- he wants someone that he can bear to confide in. He wants someone who he can trust with those parts of him like he's never trusted anyone before. He wants someone who he can tell his most secret desires to without fear of judgment or reprisal. He wants someone who he can talk to about being afraid without feeling like he's lost a fundamental part of himself when doing so.

And then in 4.06 that's exactly what we saw. We see Nandor truly opening up, truly allowing himself to be vulnerable with someone on his wedding night. But not his wife. It was Guillermo, when Nandor finally allowed himself to give Guillermo something real and true and scared. To admit how he was really feeling right in that moment. The vulnerability we saw in his eyes for just a moment was heartbreaking.

He's still completely repressed and completely in denial. The fact that he went through with the marriage in the first place is evidence of that. He still ended up choosing yet another shallow, empty relationship that would place no real demands on him. But I don't think he's going to be able to ignore what he really wants for much longer. I think realizing what a massive cock-up this wedding was is the beginning of the end for him.

I think Nandor's going to hit a breaking point soon, and it may very well come when he realizes (or at least believes) that Guillermo no longer wants him. He's finally found that person that he's willing and able to give everything to... and that person might just reject it.

For now, anyway.

Ah... love... I feel you, Nandor, it sucks...

[ineed-to-sleep]

9. Are they based off of you, in some way? 

(ofc i had to select the most fun ask on the list lmao)

I JUST KNOW THIS QUESTION IS GONNA OBLITERATE ME. THANK YOU

Ok so uhm. All of them kind of are. Like fjdjkf they all carry parts of me and I like to have something in my ocs that I can fundamentally understand or else I just never go anywhere with them 🫠 so they all have Something

Nawen has a lot of my own pettiness nfnfjdkd and her response to stressful situations(by shutting down and becoming very robotic) mirrors my own. Her pefectionism is also like, the part of myself that still struggles with perfectionism, but amped up to 100

Pepper has a lot of my anger dumped on her fjkfkdk she's a very cathartic character for me bc she lets out a lot of what I tend to repress. I'm mortified of my anger scaring the people I love irl, and whenever I let it out I always have to make it funny or lighthearted somehow. But pepper doesn't have to do that. She gets to literally tear people to pieces and still be loved and understood. So. Yeah. I'm ok I swear

And vincent is. Oof. Vincent has so many of the issues I've had fjfjkckckckkd my beautiful son who has every disease <3 he's depressed, anxious, pessimistic, and socially reserved because of trauma and repression, which are all problems I've dealt with heavily in the past before working through them in therapy. He's sort of my way to look back at myself with empathy and go hey look. It's ok that I felt that way. I just needed patience and love and safety, like he does. Also a lot of pieces in his wardrobe are based on my own jfjfkdkkd the shoes I've drawn him in are all shoes I personally wear, and a lot of the styling is similar too(like tucked in tshirts with high waisted jeans+belt. One of the outfits I've drawn him in is basically identical to one I wear sometimes fnckkc)

All of my ocs have something in general but these guys are the ones currently floating in my brain so djjfjdkd

[sporesgalaxy]

Uh, hi. So, I feel like I missed a lot of context about your tohsona's whole . . . deal? What I've gathered is that she (they?) is half-witch and there was a whole thing with a sister and now Belos is showing up to be belos??? I'm so confused could you please explain

yeah i mean if you dig around the tag (#tohsona) you can see me talk abt it some more, but it'll probably be handy to dump it all in 1 place.

Firstly, it's a self insert, so [taps the blog description] any pronouns.

Secondly, not an actual half witch. Has unusually small ears, allegedly because of a very distant human ancestor.

•••

related: cut panel from an earlier draft of that comic that touches on a concept I keep almost bringing up but always ends up being cut for whatever reason

Secondly, mmmost of the stuff Ive drawn full comics of has been in shared dreams with Belos/Philip.

Dreamwalking is a magic power I made up for fun because I like dreams a lot and one of my friends in 7th grade swore up and down that she also had a dream I had about her the same night I had it.

Any witch might involuntarily dreamwalk into a strangers a few times in their life. They usually don't even notice. But Signy is not so lucky.

Signy and Belos keep ending up in each other's dreams. This is less than ideal for both of them, because it risks Signy finding out Philip and Belos are the same person, and risks Belos finding out tyat Signy is technically a wild witch.

(They love Illusion magic too much to give it up, but hate using it for a job and would prefer to work in the beastkeeping coven. Achieved this because of beuracratic error and being too unremarkable to raise suspicion.)

Belos assumes they're invading his mind on purpose at first. When this is inevitably disproven by Signy's cluelessness, Belos tries leveraging the situation to his advantage. How exactly this happens depends on however the dream or conversation directly preceeding it goes, but the sentiment is clear:

Belos wants the witch capable of this to be either on his side or out of his way.

The real reason their dreams keep connecting is because they both have strong magic and a lot of overlap in their subconscious fears.

Signy was terrified of wild magic as a child, and took Belos' preaching about it very seriously. But between wild magic being so nebulous, and Sig's struggles with controlling her own magic...

...Sig ended up very scared of and reluctant to cast or participate in most magic. This gradually created a rift in the once close friendship between Sig and their older sister, who was a talented witch and very enthusiastic about "questionable" forms magic by the Emperor's metrics. This parallels Philip and Caleb's once close relationship falling apart over "dangerous" magic.

However, Signy responded with self isolation rather than fratricide. Sig stewed in their feelings of inadequacy, and harshly repressed their resentment, inverse to Philip embracing his resentment wholeheartedly while completely rejecting any sense of self-doubt. So trading nightmares is...very uncomfortable for both of them. :)

[roosterm3at]

some combine au info!!!

Barney is a combine charger, he's been working in the combine for 20 years, hes alot more cautious and hardened than normal Barney, cuz hes seen the horrors of the combine up close. he doesnt remember anything before working for the combine, but sometimes gets flashes of memories from black mesa that scare and confuse him, and no matter how much treatment he does, he still gets these flashes. he was only recently transferred to city 17

alyx is a combine assassin, she was taken into the combine from eli at a very young age as part of a combine program to raise children into the combine as assassins or soldiers. she is very brainwashed and doesn't question the order of the combine, but still has her rebellious spunky personality, she doesnt get memory flashes like barney but somtimes finds herself drawing doodles or shit like the black mesa logo and doesnt know what it is or what it means -

gordon still was put into stasis but only for 10 years, after that he became a high-ranking resistance member but was in hiding for a long time because eli and Kleiner knew that breen would come for him once he came out of hiding.

-eli and Kliener both still run the resistance, but its alot smaller and they have to do alot more work, which is becoming increasingly hard in older age. eli is also alot more hardened because Alyx was taken from him at such a young age and he assumes he'll never see her again. they both work with Gordon to build portal tech and build up the resistance -

Mossman and Magnusson both work for the combine

-d0G Is a combine hunter instead of a robot, he still works for alyx -

breen send Alyx and barney to go hunt down gordon freeman when they figure out that hes still leading the resistance and its basically them chasing Gordon to white forest but then getting fucked up from repressed memories and trying to figure shit out

feel free to ask any questions about this au!!! ill probably continue to make refs and content for it since its very fun

[cringecompanionapologist]

Cradle of the Snake Part 4: Turlough Falls for the Same Trick Twice

There's a pattern here. Also, some Fun With Tegan and Nyssa

Team Mara talks and talks and talks to the crowd for a bit, so it's easy to just stop paying attention at some point. But, we get to hear the Real Doctor that the Mara!Doctor has mentally buried somewhere.

Real Doctor fighting the Mara sounds a lot like Mara!Doctor pretending to be Real Doctor.

Meanwhile, Tegan and Turlough are in Time Out and trying to think of a way to save the day. We get the expected Turlough Suggests Running Away moment. It's the only time he really does this.

Also, Turlough doesn't some to comprehend Mara!Nyssa as not Nyssa. She'll somehow still be on their side. Weirdly enough, he's sort of right. He's also quite confident that he'll be able to control the TARDIS by himself, though pretty much all of Five's companions control the TARDIS at some point. Even the Team Normal. The TARDIS just really likes Five's companions.

The day is at least in the process of being saved by Baala showing up. Turlough is the one who can get help from Friends He Made Along the Way, despite being the least social member of the TARDIS Team. He didn't exactly go out of his way to make those friends though, so it's funny. Baala is Turlough's friend now because they're both scared.

Turlough will now admit to being scared of the Doctor. Tegan is being mean because she's understandably upset about the Mara.

Speaking of Tegan, it's time for Fun with Tegan and Nyssa! Baala and Turlough go to make a phone call while Tegan sneaks back into the TARDIS to talk to Nyssa. Nyssa doesn't attempt to harm Tegan, nor to possess her.

Mara!Nyssa borders on being a Token Good Teammate. Her dark side just isn't very dark. She drinks alcohol, wears red and black, and flirts with the men, but she's not as malicious as Mara!Doctor is. Unlike Baala, there is something in Nyssa for the Mara to work with, but it still can't really get a whole lot of evil out of her, especially where Tegan is involved. Nyssa has to be nice to Tegan.

But, there's also a reoccurring element of Mara possession where Mara!Characters say and act on the mean things they might sometimes think about their friends. In Part 1, it was the fact that Tegan felt left out of the Alien Genius Bond the Doctor, Nyssa, and Turlough have. Part 3 had the Doctor's frustration with Tegan's complaining and Turlough's disobedience. Now it's Nyssa's turn.

Mara!Nyssa is evil enough to want to backstab Mara!Doctor and take over Team Mara for herself, but it seems like part of her reasoning is that the Doctor is mean. Mara!Nyssa isn't entirely wrong that the Doctor can sometimes be a bit of a bully in the way she described. Sulking or shouting. He does sulk. He does shout at his companions, sometimes without much justification. He's not like that all the time, but he's capable of it. And Nyssa would notice, though she's the one he shouts at the least. Tegan, on the other hand, tends to be the one this happens to the most. Nyssa's suppressed mean thoughts about the Doctor is "he's mean to Tegan". Mara!Nyssa still likes Tegan.

Mara!Doctor shows up, Tegan hides, and Mara!Nyssa covers for her. Nyssa's repressed dark side will still go out of her way to protect Tegan. This implies that either Nyssa loves Tegan so much that the Mara can't take that from her or that Nyssa likes Tegan in a "dark" way, as well as in her usual way, so her dark side alone still likes her.

Though Mara!Nyssa doesn't try to possess Tegan, she still kind of wants to keep her around in some way.

I would like to thank Sarah Sutton for delivering that last line as suggestively as possible. Yeah, the Mara plays up Nyssa's sexuality by having her flirt with the men of Team Mara, so it makes sense to interpret this as Nyssa's Horny for Tegan.

We get a bit more of Nyssa's dark side in that she's aware that she's still a Space Princess. Even if she's a nice Space Princess, she still has a bit of a sense of superiority from being royalty.

In fact, Tegan is the only member of Team TARDIS who is a commoner. The Doctor is a Time Lord, after all. Nyssa's royalty, Adric was an Elite, and Turlough is of an Imperial Clan. They're all of some form of nobility except for Tegan. Another reason for her to feel left out. All of he friends are alien scientific geniuses born into wealth and power and she is none of those things.

When Turlough shows up, he plays along with Tegan, both acting loyal to Nyssa, since she doesn't want to possess or kill them.

Meanwhile, Team Mara waits for Nyssa to join them. Kerrem thought he was the scientific expert around here and doesn't appreciate Nyssa showing him up. Dadda's cool with it because he thinks she's hot and the Doctor still seems proud of her. He chose her for their team because she's just that brilliant.

Mara!Nyssa is planning to backstab Mara!Doctor. Kerrem and Rick are also trying to take control. Mara!Doctor is generally sick of everyone's shit, except for Nyssa. This could imply something about the Doctor similar to what was implied about Nyssa and Tegan. Mara!Nyssa and Mara!Doctor even flirt a bit.

So, Adric had a crush on Nyssa. Tegan/Nyssa is basically canon now. And it's implied and different points in this story that both the Doctor and Turlough also have feelings for her. Nyssa has too much power.

So, Nyssa must really like Tegan and the Doctor must really like Nyssa. This has gotten out of hand and I sincerely apologize. Let's try to move on.

Mara!Doctor's support of Nyssa doesn't extend to Tegan and Turlough. The Mara is kind of bored of Tegan now and it had too much trouble trying to possess Turlough. So it just wants to kill them now.

Nyssa is confused by this. Even Mara!Nyssa kind of thinks the Doctor should love all of them.

But, we've gone too long without Turlough. Let's get back to Turlough. Tegan and Turlough set up a Mirror Circle Thing on the Mara!Doctor, which knocks him out.

And the first sign that this might be the Real Doctor, and that the Real Doctor is hurt, Turlough apparently immediately goes to him. Tegan doesn't want to get close, so she sort of asks Turlough to check, but she has to remind him not to touch him. "Don't touch him!" is an exclamation, so it's not just an instruction, but a response to Turlough either touching or clearly going to touch the Doctor. Turlough is normally pretty cautious, but the second the Mara might be gone, he hurries over to the Doctor's side with no sense of caution whatsoever. It will happen again.

Eventually Tegan, Turlough, and Baala go off into Dreamland, where Nyssa and Dadda are hanging out. Nyssa doesn't know what Mara!Nyssa is even doing. The Doctor isn't there, even though he should be if the other Mara!People are. What happens next is a bit unclear. What is clear is that it is specifically Turlough who's dragged into it.

This is either the Real Doctor breaking through, but the Mara!Doctor showing up before him, or another trick from the Mara!Doctor. But, it's done through a phone. Tegan or Nyssa could've been given the phone. The phone could've manifested as a landline that anyone could answer. But, the phone is specifically given to Turlough.

If this is Mara!Doctor, it's the same trick he pulled in the cell. The Mara thinks Turlough will fall for the same trick twice. It is correct.

Only now is Turlough possessed by the Mara. Both other times Mara!Doctor attempted, he tried to persuade Turlough to take the mark. The whole process took long enough that it was possible to interrupt. When Nyssa was possessed, Mara!Doctor grabbed her and then it just happened. This appears to be the same thing with Turlough here. Because of how quickly it happens, it seems like Turlough saw the Doctor and was already close enough to touch him by the time the Mara revealed itself. Nyssa and Tegan caught on immediately, but Turlough didn't have time to react. Like when the Doctor was knocked out by the mirrors, the second it might be safe to touch the Doctor, Turlough just has to. Nyssa, the rational one, naturally doesn't have this problem. But the more impulsive Tegan also doesn't have this problem. The usually cautious Turlough just loses all sense of caution when the Doctor might need his help and it might be safe to get close to him.

This is the weakness the Mara exploits. If this was all the Mara!Doctor, which I think it was, it gave Turlough the phone, had the once again Weak and Scared Doctor speaking to him, knowing that he would run to the Doctor's aid without question or hesitation. He already did that, but he falls for the same trick twice. This is the temptation he can't resist. If the Doctor is sick or hurt, Turlough has to help him. If the Doctor was sick or hurt or captured but he's alright now, Turlough will be so overcome with relief that he has to run in for an Emotional Reunion. It's kind of adorable.

This isn't the end of part 4, but it's the end of Me Having Things to Say. So, here's what we've learned today: Nyssa loves Tegan, everyone loves Nyssa, Turlough's emotional attachment to the Doctor overpowers the wariness that's usually a key character trait of his.