#she says she's more demisexual too so i want to go slow but i also do NOT want to end up in a mostly sexless relationship bc that suuuucked

[tirfpikachu]

hiiii gyns i have a date on SUNDAY!!!!! :D her name is precious (adorable!!) and she's soooo cute she's a writer like me and an anime lover too and just seems like a total sweetheart! it'll also be her FIRST DATE EVER????? 0w0 she has never been with anybody ever????? so the pressure is on for sure omfg... i want to make it super special for her even if we don't work out!! we're going to my fave froyo spot and then anime & weed back at my place!

she's also british and she sent me voice notes and her accent is SOOO ATTRACTIVE AAHHHHH and she's only looking for a serious relationship which is super attractive too!!! <3 we'll see how it goes, but either way we both agreed to be friends if the vibes aren't gay!

[vivisols]

how does she interact with DJSS? Is she in a band or is she a solo musician? Is she a pedestrian or a new NSR head? What’s her personality? How she interact with the other NSR heads? What inspired her? How does she meet DJSS? Is it a good meeting or a slow burn situation? Have you thought about her story and arc? Does she change DJSS’s self absorbed personality, or is it a “only nice for her” type thing? Does she have any nicknames? Any family, or friends? I also just realized she might not just go by she/her as well so what are her pronouns? What are the others feelings of her? Which district does she live in? If any at all? Can our ocs be friends? Is that the only art of her? And does she come in before or after rock revolution? After the main game concludes? During even? And if you have any more facts about her after answering these, can you plleeeassseee share them?

gaaaasssssppppp

man that was a lot of questions, but you did say go wild, thanks!

WOWZERS SO MANY!!!! GRAHHHHHH!!!! ANON LOOK OUT IM GOING TO GO SO FERAL UNDER THE CUT!!!!!

-oh djss and zoleil interact aaaaalll the time, whether during NSR meetings or during their free time!!!! they are often texting or calling or hanging out 24/7,,, dates are super frequent with them!! their interactions are always pretty positive :3 they’re just vibing and deeply in love!!!

-she’s a solo musician through and through!!!! save for the occasional collab of course :3

-she’s an NSR head/charter!

-her personality,,,, very VERY tough to pinpoint when im not writing it lol but! the gist of it is that zoleil is typically pretty reserved and mellow. she’s usually just minding her own business and vibing most of the time, though she can be fairly outgoing if she feels up to it! she sure won’t turn down a party if she gets invited and she usually doesn’t mind hosting them either! she’s usually rather polite, although she’s suuuper impulsive and often does things in the heat of the moment. she mostly makes a lot of impulse purchases and is a LOT more emotion based as opposed to logic based!! even though she bottles up all those feelings… she is also the type to hold a deep, scathing grudge against someone for AGESSSSSS LMAO o_O zoleil also struggles with internally making everything a competition as well as some anger issues, though she’s definitely calmed down somewhat by the time of the game! well, until the rock uprising, that is :3

-realllllly varies depending on the head! obviously she’s on like. the best of terms with DJSS bc they r married LMAO xD shes a more icy towards sayu and her team, as she doesn’t really see the appeal of the whole gig but respects the effort put in anyways! she’s kind of friends with yinu and her mother, though they aren’t really close. more like… acquaintances that see each other really often lol zoleil is pretty close with neon j and was actually friends with him before she befriended DJSS!!! she thinks 1010 are neat and cool :] she’s pretty close with eve too and they often have long talks about art and things hehe (fun fact! zoleil and eve are both demisexual (like. Me. hehehe :3c)) …and she is usually sucking up to Tatiana and trying to win her favor for one reason or another (to no avail i may add, tatiana knows what she’s up to and gives her absolutely no special treatment because of it LMAO)

-a whole lotta things inspire her! but mainly clouds and the sky and general feelings of airiness/floatiness! for her music, she mostly just wanted to try something new! after her first song got really big out of the blue one day, she got super invested in making music and wanted to keep trying new things lol

-she meets him through NSR meetings before the game! -their whole relationship is very VERY slow burn bc they start off as workplace ‘rivals’ always trying to one up each other,,, im such a sucker for that trope omg xD whether on purpose or at random, they keep ending up being made to do things together until eventually (and very annoyingly in their eyes at first) they start to realize that the other person isn’t actually so bad. then they slowly start to become friends! cue 3 years of pining before an actual romance is developed LOL

-i think about her story ALL the time…OUGHHHH,,,, the VERY short summary is that like djss she came from a smaller town (tho not the same as his) and eventually moved to vinyl city after a few of her songs started getting really big. something something she gets scouted by NSR from there :3 her arc mainly focuses on moving on and letting go!

-zoleil kind of changes him for the better but not too much!!!! he’s still mostly only nice to her, though he’s a bit more open to others than he was before. keyword: a bit. he’s still preeeeetty self centered lol!! it’s really a minuscule difference but still a noticeable one!

-DJSS usually calls her ‘Zo’ but will occasionally use ‘Zo-Zo’. she thinks the latter is deeply embarrassing (because of how much she loves being called it and how sweet and adorable she thinks it is hahaha)

-she’s got a bunch of friends, but she’s really only super close with a few! as for family, she has a mother, though she’s cut contact with her.

-she/her!!!! (though she doesn’t mind they/them or it/its on occasion)

-DJSS loves her very much! (:3c the sayu team thinks that she’s a bit too harsh at time, but they still respect her like she respects them at the end of the day! yinu’s mom thinks she’s way too unserious and as a result doesn’t talk to her much outside of work. yinu doesn’t really care to interact with her lol neon j thinks shes a good friend, if not a bit quiet at times! and 1010 are usually of the opinion that she’s silly hahaha tatiana thinks she’s very talented. though she also thinks that zoleil needs to stop asking for her opinion on every little thing ever. she is also fully aware of when zoleil is being the equivalent of a teachers pet and trying to win her favor still respects her despite that, even if she does get a bit fed up with her antics at times hehe

-she lived in her own district, aka the lumiere district! before she moved in with DJSS in the cast tech district of course :3c

-OFC OUR OCS CAN BE FRIENDS!!!! ID LOVE THAT!!!!!!!! AAJNSJSHSH

-OH DEFINITELY NOT. IVE GOT SO MUCH ART OF HER AND DJSS YOU DONT EVEN KNOW LMAOOOOOTHERE IS SO MUCH….

-she joined NSR years before the rock revolution and she has a part during the game too!!! i think about her potential boss fight SO much ajshdhsjjxnx….

AND NOW FOR SOME RANDOM FUN FACTS SINCE YOU ASKED!!!!! >:3

-she’s been an oc of mine since 2022! may 29th mark. 2 years since her creation (IM NOT REAADY AAAAAA)

-as i said before, zoleil is demisexual! she’s also omniromantic :3 AND she has ADHD! wow guys i wonder who she got all that from isn’t that crazy that we have so much in common 😁😁😁😁

-she and DJSS have collaborated 9 times now. for funzies!

-she’s one of my most redesigned ocs, if not THE most! she’s gone through like 20 different designs,,,, her last one is still rotating in my brain

-her left ring finger is actually slightly crooked! she broke it when she was a kid and it didn’t quite heal properly…

ANYWAYS ANON THIS WAS!!!!! SO FUN!!!!!! PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SEND IN MORE QUESTIONS I LOVED ANSWERING ALL OF THIS SO MUCH!!

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

🦇 How You Get the Girl Book Review 🦇

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

❓ #QOTD If you could get a tattoo today, what would you get (and what's the meaning behind it)? ❓

[ Find my review below. ]

🦇 While coaching East Nashville High's girl's basketball teen, Coach Julie Parker expects passionate players and quick springs; not for the star of her fantasies, ex-WNBA baller Elle F*CKING Cochrane, to show up with the niece she's fostering. Despite being all heart-eyed and tongue-tied, Julie convinces Elle to become her assistant coach, allowing Elle to keep an eye on her niece. Neither expects sparks to fly along with basketballs shooting across the court, even as Elle helps Julie navigate the unfamiliar terrain of dating. Will they continue sitting on the sidelines of their own lives, or finally take a shot?

💜 Dear Anita Kelly. Thank you. Thank you for a story about two beautifully, vulnerably queer women who are so real and authentic and layered. What easily could have been a trope-filled sapphic sports romance is instead a stunning exploration of identity, mental health, and personal growth. Bear with me, bookish bats, as I try to find my words. This story started with Julie's megawatt heart-eyed celebrity crush and a little forced proximity, but it became so much more. Between her queer twin and best friend, Julie always thought she was a little behind in defining her queerness, but there's no timeline, no deadline. She always struggled to find her label, her place (only to realize they're just...whatever!), and it's not until Elle steps into her life and throws her out of her comfort zone that Julie gets the chance to grow into herself. I also adored that Jules couldn't fully pick one label ("15 percent general queer, 10 percent lesbian stereotype. 20 percent ace, 55 percent dumbass.") because identity is in fact a spectrum. She does mention the possibility of being demisexual at one point, which my gf identifies as, and honestly...I don't think I've ever seen a character recognize that as an option before. To say it brought tears to my eyes is an understatement.

💜 In a way, Elle has been stuck in a comfort zone, too, until she starts fostering her niece and coaching alongside Jules. Elle is so patient with Jules, so willing to step back and give Jules the chance to process her own thoughts, recognize her own needs. There's a give and take to their relationship--when one falters, the other steps in to help them find their balance again. There are so many layers to this story--"There's this idea embedded into our culture of getting over things," "Maybe all love is a surprise, followed by practice," "You can be happy and still feel like you don't really know what you're doing."--so much to appreciate in the little lessons these women learned. Together. (If we're keeping track, I cried three times while reading this book: when seeing "demi," at the news clipping, and during Jule's speech. I need more tissues now, thank you.)

💙 There is one topic I wish received a little more attention, namely because it isn't discussed often enough. Elle meets with the school's weights guy, who assumes all the players on the team are girls: "the ingrained hierarchy and immovable binary of most sports." Elle and Julie made a "space for any player who wanted to put in the work, regardless of their identity." Kelly mentions fighting for equality in sports within her acknowledgments, but I do wish we'd seen a little of that fight as a source of conflict within the book.

💙 The story is a bit slow at the beginning, but once it finds its momentum, it GOES. I will say I wasn't aware this was a duology when I grabbed this ARC, but the references to the previous story weren't so heavy that you can't enjoy this one as a stand-alone.

🦇 Recommended to all readers, whether you're looking for a sports romance, sapphic romance, or simply a good book with lots of mental health love. This one is going to stay with me for a long while.

✨ The Vibes ✨ 🌈 Sapphic Ship - Lesbian/Demi 💞 Fake/Practice Dating 🏀 Sports / Workplace / Forced Prox Romance 🏆 Mental Health Rep 📚 Part of the Nashville Series 🏆 Contemporary Romance 🏀 Dual POV 💞 Smut 🌈 Queer Main & Side Cast

🦇 Major thanks to the author @anitakellywrites and publisher @readforeverpub for providing an ARC of this book via Netgalley. 🥰 This does not affect my opinion regarding the book.

💬 Quotes

❝ Any relationship that’s worthwhile, whether it’s friendship or romantic or sexual, only really works when you try. ❞

❝ But that when it came to identity, when it came to queerness, the whole point was that there were no tryouts. If you were even thinking about it, you were already on the team. That labels weren’t meant to confine, only to bring comfort to those for whom they were useful. That Julie didn’t need to ascribe to any of them, if she didn’t want to. ❞

❝ “You’re not behind on anything...There’s nothing, and no one, you have to track your own life by.” ❞

❝ Maybe all love was a surprise, followed by practice. A step out of comfort zones, followed by hard work. Lurking in all the places you didn’t expect, places that become a forever part of you. ❞

[in--somnium]

Who do you ship Cassia with? (canon or oc, active rp's or just wanted connections?)

((Oh gosh. Honestly? I think she's pretty easy to ship with plenty of muses, so, ya know, I'm open to most connections <3 Feel free to toss anyone ya want at her! She'd probably be easy enough to fit into most scenarios :)

That said, it's important to note that, although she hasn't decided on a label herself yet, I'd say she's actually more demisexual than really bisexual, but she's definitely biromantic. (I use bisexual / biromantic instead of "pan" because she was originally made to be written in, like, the 2005-2010 kinda area and the term wasn't so widely used then and she probably hasn't heard it more than in passing)

Okay, so now that that's all said-!

Cassia was actually originally created to be written in a polyship I'm writing with my friend, dhamp.iravidi (I'm not tagging anyone just so I don't annoy 'em ^^;), that takes place in the Cov.enant movie verse. She was made to be written with Caleb, initially, then to end up in a polyship that included Caleb, Pogue, and her oc Jayn! So of course I ship her with all of them- individually as well as all together <3

I've also started kinda plotting out another polyship with loyal.tybroken that includes Cass with Caleb, Pogue, and Reid. Hell, I'd ship her with Tyler, too, if anyone wrote him xD Really, I think she'd get along just fine with any of the 4 boys, so, ya know... <3 (I've also been writing her with fallenc.rowns' Reid and, though idk yet if I'd ship them (or if Reid's mun would ship them either), they're DEFINITELY fun to write together because they're so opposite to one another and she's kinda easily influenced for better or worse xD)

I've also been writing her a bit with souther.n-belle-o.utcast's Nilza which we've only just touched upon at this point... but they're certainly amusing and I would absolutely be open to shipping them if things go that way and they're up for it, too <3 (Again, I'm a sucker for "opposites attract" kinda stuff ^^;)

Then of course there's Doc! I will ship just about any of my muses with any of their muses, including Cass xD So we've been writing a bit of Cass/John.ny Sto.rm and Cass/Dan.ny Ket.ch, both of which have been fun already in very different ways~ We just started something with her and Mil.es Mor.ales hanging out, too, and while I'm not yet sure of which direction that'll go in- Doc, if you see this and you're interested in a polyship with Cass, Miles, and Kim, let me know xD

So I guess those are ships / possible ships / friendships that I'm actively writing (or, semi-actively writing since my writing, in general, is pretty slow going at the moment).

As for other ships? There's no one in particular that I've been, like, searching for with her? Though I'm always open to writing her in different verses with different types of muses of any gender <3 I don't care if they're ocs or canons or whatever, throw 'em her way and we'll see what happens!

That said, though, I'd really like more f/f ships for her (actually, more f/f ships just in general, please. I go by "Sapph" for a reason xD). Also just... off the top of my head... maybe Dic.k Gra.yson because I've just really wanted to write against him for-freaking-ever now because he's my fave ^^;

But, yeah! No specific wanted connections. Though there are some tropes and such that I really love and think she'd be fun for- like fake dating scenarios, or the sunshine/brooder dynamic, childhood best friends who get separated and come back together later on in life, on and off relationships, etc. Cass also gets easily attached and she's kind of a people pleaser, so she's prone to carrying on in bad/toxic relationships even when it's fucking with her metal health and wellbeing and should have walked away a while ago- so writing either the ins and outs of a shitty relationship could be interesting (I'm always up for darker plots so...) or something where someone is trying to help her LEAVE a bad relationship (could be just friends or friends to lovers, whatever) could be fun to write, too.

I don't know. Basically, just, yeah- I'm open to almost anything with Cassia. She's really versatile as a muse, I think, so I can kinda drop her in most verses and figure something out <3

With that said, anon, don't hesitate to message me if there's something specific you wanna write! I'm pretty open to most things!))

[alltimefail-sims]

94% ! For any or all of your strangerville ocs!

94%. Your character is falling in love. Do they take things slow or fast? Do they make decisions or do they make a lot of compromises? How secure are they?

Ohhhhh man this is a sneaky cheeky question. I am going to be very careful answering this 🧐, but the responses will likely be long because ya'll know I loooooooove love!!

Zoe is demisexual and demiromantic which is important to note because falling in love for her has always felt a little different than it did for her peers. Growing up she was never relationship-crazy, she has had very few "crushes" and even fewer relationships. For her, falling in love really would happen slowly as the connection builds, but then, all at once, she would have a moment of realization where she realizes oh shit, I'm in love. If there's one thing she's gonna do, it's marry someone she sees as her best friend - she cares about a person's soul/heart/character. Zoe's love would come from such a vulnerable place as she has never had a serious enough relationship where she "fell in love" before. As for as the dynamics of a relationship, she would not date anyone who she didn't fully trust and compliment, so I actually think she'd be an even balance of decision-making and compromises (it would just depend on her partner, the situation they're faced with, etc.) She's a team player. If Zoe is saying she's "in love," she is all in and 100% secure. I'd say the most secure she has ever been was with her previous boyfriend who she dated from the last few months of high school (12th grade) to the first 3-or-so months of college (they broke up for a number of reasons) and she was only ever like 63% secure on any given day with him.

Erwin believes he'll never fall in love, full stop, for a number of reasons. Frankly, he's not even sure if he should fall in love and subject someone to the metaphorical baggage he carries around. His self-esteem is kind of all over the place as he's always been considered different, yet hookups and flings have always been accessible to him. What little actual relationship history he has is pretty toxic, if we're being honest. All that said... Erwin falling in love would scare the shit out of him lmao. I think he's the type of person who would scoff at the idea of falling in love quickly, but then it would happen to him and he would get it. Suddenly everything would make sense, the world would feel a little less heavy, he'd find himself wanting to be better for this person who he would treat like they hung the moon and the stars...he might even be happy for once and God is that foreign to him. He'd definitely tend to be the compromiser, not in a negative way but in the way that he's just happy to see his partner happy. He's spent so long alone and doing things "his way" that he'd be happy to let someone else take lead (and he'd probably welcome it because he is kind of a mess and notorious for making bad decisions lmao).

Anwar has only ever been in casual relationships, much to his family's dismay (he hasn't had a partner reach the "meet the family" stage, and he often jokes about being a bachelor for the rest of his life). He's very independent and very logical, but he's also got a bad habit of being a little too guarded with his heart. He comes off callous, but really it's just so he doesn't get hurt. But once you break through that and gain his trust he moves fairly quickly and he is very decisive, he is the type to fall hard and fall fast (but he'd be wary to scare off his partner with his intense feelings). I would argue that as tough as he seems, he's actually super chill and more likely to compromise. He's actually a big softie when it comes to the people he loves, he's very protective of them and he doesn't like fighting in general. He's definitely more of the "what can I do to help you," "how do you feel about this," "whatever you're comfortable with," and so-on type. He's always going to put his partner's comfort first, not because he feels like he has to but because he genuinely wants to.

Junia's first, honest reaction to falling in love would be to push the person away without question (literally making physical space if that's what it takes). She doesn't really want to fall in love and she's emotionally constipated in my opinion lmao. It isn't until the feelings are unbearable to bury any more; when she's sketching their smile, thinking about them while laying in the dark, is looking for excuses to do little things for them or to just subtly touch them that she would admit she has feelings for them. She is going to move painfully slow, she's going to resist it as much as possible, and she would never tell someone that she is into them first even if she was grossly in love with them. Once the relationship is on though, she's very upfront about her needs and boundaries. She's probably more of the decision-maker, but in all likelihood she's the one with a more difficult past so she has barriers to work through that her partner might not have. It's important to note that even though she is the decision-maker, this mostly goes hand-in-hand with her "she asked for no pickles" demeanor in the relationship lol. Idk that she would ever be 100% secure in any friendship, nonetheless a relationship, but I'd argue she would try her hardest to be (she knows she's fiercely loyal and wouldn't leave her partner, but loving someone requires a lot of trust that they won't leave, and that's hard for her).

Tashia is pretty straightforward: her preference would always be to move quickly once feelings are there. She wants kids, she wants a big family, she wants a life-partner and is a super romantic. If she was falling in love she would be obvious about it, she would be really flirty and thoughtful and wouldn't think twice about making her intentions known. She's a fine-ass, educated, confident woman! In relationships she's always been very decisive, but I imagine she knows when to take the lead and when to let her partner call the shots. She's a great listener and likes to see things from more than just her own perspective, so as long as someone isn't asking her to compromise one her dreams/ambitions/long-term goals, she's very happy to try things a different way than she originally planned.

Beckett's answer is the most difficult to me because he is a little bit of everything - for him, his response time and stature in a relationship is situational. With some people he moves fast, and in general he just feels like there's no reason to waste time if he is into someone. On the other hand, he's also sooooo shy and kind of terrible at flirting so sometimes things happen slower than he originally intended. He is very passive by nature, so he tends to opt to his partner to be the one making decisions, but he is opinionated - he just generally feels like his opinions don't really matter or aren't important enough to share. If he were to fall in love he would be sooooooooo sure of his feelings though, he'd be super vocal about it, and he would feign a lot of confidence with his partner like, "you know I'm hot" or "you know you love me." He'd be lying though if he didn't admit that he deals with the fear of not being good enough and he would need a little reassurance from his significant other from time to time.

Prompt here - ask me about my OCs!

[potato-an0n]

I’m curious, why is this fan base so antsy wen it comes to huntlow? I thought it was bc hunter is the conventionally attractive bad but sad boi everyone wants to themselves and seeing him be shipped with a character he might actually be compatible with is considered a threat (???) but then i see him shipped with the blight twins and everyone is cool with it, but then, i see fans ummm “passionately” hc him as aroace, same with willow and also aggressively shipping her with boscha. I find it funny how ppl are like “lesbian ace willow” “gay ace hunter” “both of them are aroace” wenever huntlow breathes like jfc, bi, pan and demisexual exists yk? (Side note: willow give pan vibes imo while hunter gives bi or doesn’t go by labels, he loves who he loves but tht’s my opinion lol).

Idk I’ve noticed tht a lot of side ships where the popular conventionally attractive character (most likely a boy) tht has a lot of trauma and emotional baggage is shipped w/ a character they have the most chemistry with and a dynamic tht works if they were a irl relationship gets the most hate or the most disliked and said popular character is shipped with someone who either barely interacted or doesn’t seem to have romantic chemistry (and is also conventionally hot) is the most popular/ accepted, which kind of says a lot on how majority of the audience view relationships.

Plus the fact tht most of the time, they know tht ship doesn’t have potential and is a crack ship (or looks hot). I think huntlow was seen as a crack ship too but then asias showed tht there might be growing potential between the two, and either ppl support it or ppl are bitching abt it and i have to see tht shit wenever i look in the huntlow tags and the comments in fan art from a popular fan artist like mark.

Tbh i think in the end, it’ll probably get the dipcifica treatment, heavily implied, but wont be confirmed, sadly. Hopefully I’m wrong and this post ages poorly who knows.

Plus hypothetically, lets just say huntlow does become canon, i don’t think they’ll be bf/gf like how lumity became gfs. I mean, obv lol and lumity didn’t become instant gfs, it was built up earlier and had enough time to flesh out into a relationship (???) meanwhile, hunter has a LOT of healing to do (esp after hollow mind) and while willow is a lot more confident than in s1, there are times where she falls back into doubting herself (same), so I don’t think they’ll be bf/gf, more like they’ll admit to e/o tht they feel something, but are not ready and would take it slow. Again, hypothetically and imo.

Anyways, whether it does become canon or not and whether you support it or not, y’all aren’t in the owl house production/ writing team, we’re just the viewers. We don’t have a say on what’s canon or not, we can only speculate and pick up crumbs, and i say this as a lore whore and delusional winter brain rotting fan 😀

Okay back to being a lore whore and delusional winter/ huntlow brain rotting fan.

[vampiric-dolly-draws]

Hm, I wanted to redesign Freya LeBlanc, and old rwby oc inspired by the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. anyway here is some info about her.

Name: Freya LeBlanc

Age: 25

Gender: Demigirl

Sexuality: Demisexual, Panromantic

Height: 4’9 / 1.44 m

Race: Faunus [Dwarf French Lop]

Voice Claim: Mercy Necromancy

Outfit: White, Pink and Black.

Accessories: Tophat, corset, bows, and pocket-watch

Complexion: Pale

Hair Color: White

Eye Color: Pink

Semblance: Chrominance Aura Color: Rose Pink

Status: Active

Personality: Freya’s personality is described as very Quiet person who keeps to herself most of the time. To say the least she is quite complex as a person overall as people can’t ever tell what her true intentions are. But nevertheless she is very smart, cunning and very determined when it comes to completing a task. She seems to be quite loyal to the person she works for but it’s hard to tell whether or not it’s genuine or not.

Freya also despises being late and things not done in a timely manner, so you can say she’s very orderly and tries her best to keep on a sort of schedule. If things aren’t done or go the way she wants them to, she seems to have a more jittery and nervous demeanor which she isn’t too fond of letting anyone see. She’s also very secretive since not many people seem to know about her past and she doesn’t just let anyone close to her, you have to gain her trust enough…of course she has to like you first.

——————————————————-

I’m going to explain her semblance real quick

Chrominance: her semblance is a time based one, that can allow her to speed up or slow down time for a certain amount of well, time. She mostly uses it to manipulate her surroundings causing either herself to speed up or even slow everything down.

[theoriginalladya]

Dare I ask Headcanon #13 for Caleb?

from this list

So of COURSE you are the one to ask this! LOL

Sex Headcanon

Well, it's taken me almost two years to get to a point where I have a better understanding of him, but here we go, and I hope this all makes sense. (under cut because this got long - go figure :P )

Bear with me here while I ramble on for a bit to explain things (this is as much to help me out as to explain to you! lol)

Caleb is demisexual and bisexual.

Back in his teens, he had a girlfriend, Ciara (also a member of the Reds). They were together for less than a year, though, and shortly after they broke up, she ends up killed in the Reds war vs. the Greystones; one of the many people Caleb has lost in his life over the years. He and Moira, another Red, get together once or twice, but mostly they're just friends (after Ned's murder, Caleb doesn't go back to Old Neddy's anymore, so she sometimes lets him stay at her place). This last for about a year until Athair smuggles him out of Ireland for his own safety after the Reds lose control of Shannon to the Greystones.

Over the years that follow, no one really interests him sexually or romantically - partly because the interest just isn't there, and partly because he's afraid to let anyone too close because he knows just how easily they can be lost. As if to back this up, he loses his entire unit on Akuze - people he's come to care about as 'family' - and as you can imagine, it only reinforces that idea.

HOWEVER, as a literal end result of Akuze, he meets Kaidan who is part of the rescue team sent in. From that point on, they become friends, like he and Coats. They meet up periodically, have drinks, sit around talking, pull out the deck of cards to have Caleb do readings and such, etc. They even meet up unexpectedly when Caleb is on an N7 mission and Kaidan ends up helping Caleb and Rosa out in the process. (Can you say VERY SLOW BURN?)

So, by the end of ME1, Caleb figures out, okay, he's got feelings, but he says nothing. We all know how devastating Alchera is (and it is for both of them), but Mars is a double edged sword for Caleb because all of a sudden the shoe is on the other foot, so to speak; his past history with people he's close to comes rushing back to haunt him, but he finally acknowledges to himself that he loves Kaidan. What's he to do???

Well, my dork of an Irishman does what he always does: he clams up and keeps it to himself. However, by this point, Kaidan is starting to read his tells and eventually there is a sort of confrontation and they both work their way past the problems and end up 'together'.

Now, 'together' is even more frightening to Caleb (mostly because of the fear of losing Kaidan - they ARE in a war, right? He's a bit surprised (considering how he was raised) that it doesn't bother him that Kaidan is a man; Caleb just knows by this point that they are 'meant to be' and to be honest, that is probably the easiest part of the entire relationship for him) because 1) he's admitted to himself he has feelings, 2) there's a WAR ON and Kaidan could die (see also: Mars and Akuze and what happened to the Reds), and 3) what do I do if I lose him when he means so much more to me than anyone else EVER?

That being said... the actual headcanon part to all of this is: they agree to a relationship where they move it forward very slowly with Caleb determining when they move on to whatever 'next step' that he wants when he wants to. Kaidan has no issue with that at all. So, most of their relationship during the war when they sleep together, they literally are just sleeping together in the same bed. Kissing and snuggling/cuddling is easy enough for Caleb to accept (and that will always be a thing for them, even later in life), and certainly having Kaidan there with him as they sleep makes it easier for him to sleep, but actual 'sex' between them doesn't happen until much later in their relationship.

Now, I know you know of a scene I have planned for them late in ME3 after the Leviathan mission, and that will still be included in their story (I think), but I may be changing it up a little bit to reflect some of this new information that he's given me.

So... I hope this answers the question? Maybe, just a little bit? I'm still figuring him out (and I may be tossing ideas/questions at you at some point to help me understand it!), but that's kind of how I'm seeing things at the moment. (all subject to change at any time if he so decides to flip the tables on me! lol God knows he's done it before! *sigh* Stubborn, stubborn Irishman! ;)

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi Steph!! I was wondering if you knew of any really long fics (like 25k or more) that are only one chapter, I travel a lot sometimes and some places don't really have good enough internet for multi chapter fics. So yeah, any really long one chapter fics about John and Sherlock would be appreciated. Thank you!

Hey Nonny!!

LOL OKAY FUNNY STORY. I almost replied to this with “oof I’ll have to read EVERYTHING so I’m sorry.... and then... I remembered.......

I put chapter counts on everything 🙃😐 

I’m not the brightest crayon in the box. 🖍 

Anyway, so yes, I can definitely rec you some fics! BUT I should also offer you two suggestions you can totally do to read ANY fic!

On Ao3, you can click on the “Entire Work” button to load ALL chapters of a fic (it’s the very first button along the top) and in turn you can then just read it all there! 

And the very last button along the top, you can Download copies of the fic to your phone or computer with eBook file types (AZw3 for Kindle, ePub for iPhone’s Books app, and MOBI is for other mobile devices and e-readers), the HTML if you want to read it as-is in a web-browser, or the PDF format which is a universal file format that is supported by everything, even web browsers, so it’s a good one to download if you don’t know what format you need :) If you read on an eReader, though, I can’t recommend enough just downloading the format for your device. You get to keep a copy of the fic AND the eReader keeps it nicely formatted. It’s a BRILLIANT, BEAUTIFUL feature that Ao3 gave us, because I like downloading all my fics and read them later in iBooks. Once you start that, Nonny, you can’t do it any other way. AND at the VERY END of the fics, it links BACK to the original post so you can bookmark, kudos, and comment on it!! <3

So yeah, two options you can do to solve your poopy internet and still read long fics hee hee! <3

ANYWAY EXCUSE FOR A NEW LIST LOL. 

ALSO, side note, check out @silentauroriamthereal; a large chunk of her fics are both long AND one chapter, so it’s a good place to go and she’s a brilliant author so I don’t think you’ll be disappointed! <3 Plus a lot of her fics are on this list, so I am sorry hahah.

AND I wanted to make the list a bit longer than I had, so I picked fics over 20K, if that’s alright :) As always, if you wrote a 20k+ single chapter fic, let us know!

SINGLE CHAPTER FICS OVER 20K WORDS

A Life Well-Lived by Kate_Lear (E, 20,121 w., 1 Ch. || Original Male Character, Sherlock Woos John, Jealous Sherlock, Reluctant Bi-John, Past Abuse, Insecure John, Reassuring / Caring Sherlock, Protective Sherlock, Understanding Sherlock) – John got scared off men by an abusive past relationship. Sherlock has to try and woo him while not scaring him off with protective possessive rage.

The White Lotuses by SilentAuror (E, 20,340 w., 1 Ch. || Slow Burn, Domestic, Romance) – One day John realises that he just isn't where he belongs, which is back at Baker Street with Sherlock. So he goes back and Sherlock, in his own way, courts him. Romance.

Out of the Woods by SilentAuror (E, 20,471 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Romance, Slow Burn, Flirting, Drunk Sex, Practical Jokes, POV Sherlock, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Pining Sherlock, Frustrated Wanking, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, First Kiss/Time, Virgin Sherlock, Love Confessions, Soft Sherlock, Dancing, Bum Appreciation, Hanging out with the Yard) – Sherlock is fairly certain that John has taken to flirting with him of late, but can't be entirely certain of it. At least, not until a case takes them into a forest, along with Lestrade's team and something happens that will change everything about their lives...

You're On the Air by prettysailorsoldier (M, 20,616 w., 1 Ch. || Unilock, Matchmaking, Radio, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Flirting, Bisexual John) – The Consulting Detective and The Woman dominate the airwaves of their university radio station, doling out advice on everything from meeting the parents to sexual positions. When their ratings start to dip before the holidays, however, manager Mike thinks it's time for some fresh blood, and who better to fill in the gaps than rugby captain--and notorious flirt--John Watson? Part 1 of 25 Days of Johnlock

whiskies neat by Ellipsical (E, 20,660 w., 15 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting, POV Second Person Sherlock, Slow Burn, One Night Stand, Rimming, Blow Jobs, Anal, Soldier John, Crying, Emotional Lovemaking, Switchlock) – Home and hearth and whiskies neat, or, alternatively, Sherlock Holmes falls in love.

Achieving the Together-Coloured Instant by teahigh (E, 20,776 w., 1 Ch. || Est. Rel, PTSD, Codependency, Fluff & Angst, H/C, Smut, Demisexual Sherlock, Experiments) – John wonders if this is how it’s going to be: A life speaking in code, because they’re both too stupid to figure out how to say, “I love you.”

Winter's Delights by Kate_Lear (E, 21,173 w., 1 Ch. || Holmes Family, Christmas, Fake Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Bed Sharing, Domestics) – Sherlock takes John home for Christmas to meet the extended Holmes family. Part 1 of Winter's Delights

Love Is by SilentAuror (E, 21,508 w., 1 Ch. || Angst, UST / URT, Post HLV, Romance) – At Mrs Hudson’s urging, Sherlock finally decides to tell John how he feels about him. Part 1 of Love Is

echoes through time by chellefic (E, 21,619 w., 1 Ch. || First Time, Romance, ACD & BBC, Epistolary) – Mummy sends a trunk from the Holmes cottage in Sussex to 221B. Its contents alter the way John and Sherlock see themselves and one another.

Ghost Stories by SwissMiss (M, 22,256 w., 1 Ch. || Pining, Holmes Family, Christmas, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Bed Sharing, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, First Time) – Sherlock's parents think he and John are a couple. They might be onto something.

Sonatina in G Minor by SilentAuror (E, 22,574 w., 1 Ch. || Case Fic, POV Sherlock, Angst, UST, Sherlock’s Violin, Post-S3, Romance) – John has come back to Baker Street, but Sherlock doesn't understand the strange tension between them, even after he begins teaching John to play the violin at John's request.

The Kepler Problem by kinklock (E, 24,270 w., 1 Ch. || Sci-Fi AU, Alien Sherlock, Space Repairman John, Alien Biology, Horny John) – Working in uncharted space exploration was not as exciting as John had hoped, especially when it turned out to be mostly bot maintenance on uninhabited planets. However, the mystery of the repeated, unexplained malfunctions on planet BAK 2212 might turn out to be exactly the kind of adventure he'd been craving.

26 Pieces by Lanning (E, 28,236 w., 1 Ch. || H/C, Torture, First Time, Happy Ending, Schmoop, Past Abuse) – Mycroft gives Sherlock the apparently simple task of solving a puzzle box containing a stolen microchip. It isn't simple.

The Wisteria Tree by SilentAuror (E, 29,773 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S3, Emotional Love Making, Amnesia/Memory Loss, Sherlock Loves John So Much, Sherlock POV, Romance, Angst with Happy Ending, First Times, Hurt/Comfort, Est. Rel., Retirement) – Sherlock wakes up from a month-long coma only to discover that he has no memory of the previous six years to his own shock as well as John's...

Shallow Grave by SilentAuror (E, 31,672 w., 1 Ch. || Romance, Angst, HLV Fix It, Infidelity, Pining Sherlock, First Person POV Sherlock) – Starts as Sherlock's plane is taking off at the end of His Last Vow. When he finds out that Moriarty is alive and that he's being recalled from his mission, Sherlock decides that he should have told John how he felt before he left. So he walks off the plane and kisses him.

The Midas Touch by flawedamythyst (E, 32,231 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Magical Realism || John has a Magical Cock, Dub Con, Healer John) – John Watson has a medical condition that means everyone he sleeps with is instantly healed of all illness and injury. This causes complications when Sherlock breaks his arm, and even more complications when Sherlock falls in love with him. Yes, this is a story where John has a literal magic healing cock. It's a lot less cracky than you're probably imagining. Warning: Contains complex issues of sexual consent, although not between Sherlock and John.

The Whore of Babylon Was a Perfectly Nice Girl by out_there (E, 32,897 w., 1 Ch. || Past Drug Use, Blowjobs, Toplock, Mentions of Switching, Rough Sex, Background Cases, Sherlock’s Past, Sherlock’s Sexual History, Experienced Sherlock, Past One Night Stands, Fingering, Cuddling, Possessive Sherlock, Paris Holiday, Bed Sharing, Naked Lie-Ins, Bathing Together, Confessions, Worried Sherlock, Laying in Bed All Day, Meddling Mycroft, Naked Lazy Day) – Sherlock walks into a room and takes all the space right out of it. He does the same inside John's head.

Our Enthusiasms Which Cannot Always Be Explained by withoutawish (M, 32,961 w., 1 Ch. || Christmas, Fluff and Angst, H/C, Post-TRF, Case Fic, Mild Gore, Sherlock Whump) – The list that is tacked haphazardly on the refrigerator of 221B reads, ‘Kidney(s), and/or a full cadaver (preferably male, late 30s, under six feet tall), bag of fresh toes, sixteen cow’s eyes (corneas retained), dual exhaust hand –held flame thrower, an unopened first edition copy of Joseph Conrad’s 'Heart of Darkness', and no less than ten abhorrently gruesome murders in the upcoming month.” The one neatly hanging next to it simply reads, “Sex.” One of these lists is not John Watson’s. If John Watson were to put what he really wanted in list form, to live in a land somewhere beyond ‘almosts' now that Sherlock Holmes has indeed returned to him, he would never be able to look his flatmate in the eye ever again.

Bedtime Stories by Liketheriver (M, 34,388 w., 1 Ch. || Emotional H/C, Romance, Angst & Humour, Bed Sharing, John First Person, TRF, John Whump) – John's POV during Season 2 and beyond when Sherlock takes up semi-permanent residence in his bed. A collection of codas and missing scenes wrapped up into one long fic and topped with a bow that takes the story beyond Reichenbach and into happy territory once more. Part 1 of Bedtime Universe

The Yellow Poppies by SilentAuror (E, 34,952 w., 1 Ch. || H/C, Nightmares, HLV Fix-It, PTSD, Trauma, POV Sherlock, Doctor John) – Sherlock is threatened and assaulted in the hospital immediately after having been shot in the heart, first by Mary, then by Magnussen. As he recovers at Baker Street with John and plans the attack on Appledore with Mycroft, he fights to work through the trauma caused by these two visits. Set during His Last Vow.

The Unfinished Letters by SilentAuror (E, 37,391 w., 1 Ch. || Post S3 / S3 / HLV Fix it, Angst with Happy Ending, Romance, Infidelity, Depression, Case Fic, POV Third Person Sherlock, Love Confessions, Pining Sherlock, Letters) – A fire at Baker Street leads John to read something he was never intended to see: a notebook of half-written, unfinished letters Sherlock wrote during his time away...

Set in Stone by SilentAuror (E, 39,309 w., 1 Ch. || Romance, Wedding, Therapy, Fluff and Angst) – Sherlock and John are back from Ravine Valley and planning their wedding. However, as they move past the trial of the human traffickers, Sherlock can't help but wonder if he's imagining that John is becoming a little distant. Surely he isn't getting cold feet about the wedding... Part 2 of The Ravine Valley series

Act IV by SilentAuror (E, 39,707 w., 1 Ch. || First Person POV Sherlock, HLV Fix-It, Infidelity, Angst, Drama) – After Sherlock is shot, John moves back into Baker Street. They spend the autumn together as John tries to make sense of his life and make some important decisions about both Mary and Sherlock. Canon-compliant, excerpts from His Last Vow.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by SilentAuror (E, 50,635 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4/S4 Divergence, Case Fic, For a Case / Reverse Fake-Relationship, Conferences, Marriage Equality, Travelling / New York, Pride, Homophobia, Bottomlock, Marriage Proposal, John POV, Sexuality, Love Confessions, Emotional Love Making, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Passionate Kissing, Needy/Clingy Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Touching / Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Little Spoon Sherlock, Intense Orgasms) – John and Sherlock go to New York to attend a conference run by the National Defence of Traditional Marriage Coalition in order to investigate the potential bombing of the annual Manhattan Pride parade. As the conference unfolds, John finds himself repulsed by the toxic ideology being presented, which becomes relevent to his own unacknowledged issues and his friendship with Sherlock...

[rosy-cheekx]

Peeling Labels

Aspec Week, Day 7: Something New-- @aspecarchivesweek

an exploration of Jon and demisexuality! As a demisexual mspec person, a lot of this is based on my own anxieties as an aspec person and not being “ace enough.” (thanks to @ombreblossom for listening to me try to parse out how being demi feels and how to word it for the fic.)

Rated T for reference to a sex dream, but no explicit language/smut words used!

-

Jon has a weird relationship with labels. Labels are good, they categorize and compartmentalize feelings, situations, states of being. An archivist’s dream, really. But when they are applied to Jon, either by himself or someone else, they feel non-Newtonian, as if holding onto the word for too long causes it to slip through his fingers.

Usually, it’s fine. He knows that labels don’t really matter, but they still feel good. It’s comforting to know that he isn’t broken or a liar or confused; there are people in the world who share a word with him. They are bonded under a flag of black, white, purple, and grey.

Jon had set the precedent quickly, with Martin, on the first night they had been in Jon’s flat, pressed against a doorframe and exploring each other with gentle urgency. “I-ah, Martin,” he had broken away from Martin’s lips, eyes shining with a mix of adoration and anxiety. “I don’t think I’ve told you before, but I’m asexual. Just-uh, well. Thought you should know.”

Martin had nodded, eyes soft and full of understanding. “Okay. Do we have a boundary I should know?” The answer was yes: anything below the belt was strictly off limits, to give or to receive. And that was that. Martin was the perfect gentleman, checking in constantly whenever they were in the heat of a moment. The rule remained and was never crossed. Rules have labels and that label was: asexual.

 Except, it wasn’t that easy. God forbid anything was easy for Jon. Labels are nice and they’re helpful to the part of Jon that craves structure, order. He’d found his ace identity while dating Georgie, after she gently asked him what was up after his third gentlemanly refusal of her advances. He had stammered out that he liked her, but didn’t want sex, at all, and he didn’t want her to be upset with him. And of course she wasn’t, because she’s Georgie, and she helped him find the word asexual, that glorious, blessed word that made so many frustrations and doubts slot into place.

Their romance didn’t end because of his aceness, far from it in fact. In fact, honestly, they were probably together as long as they were because their friendship was the strongest part of their relationship. But god, they were too similar to be in love. They were both too stubborn, too determined, unable to reach compromise when it came to the silliest things like movie nights (Jon found Georgie’s Lord of the Rings box set far too long and far too pretentious for his taste) or how their cupboards should be arranged. Their relationship was something they could win, and they were both determined to be the victor.

In the end, they both lost.

--

While Jon and Georgie had been a couple first, friends second, he and Martin had a foundation. There was friendship, shared trauma, a love that surpassed romantic and dug into something deeper. When they’re in bed and the dark is warm and heavy, limbs intertwined, Jon is reminded of the Greek myth of soulmates: a four armed, four legged being split in two, deemed to be too powerful by the gods. Sharing an essence, completing each other, making two halves whole. It makes Jon smile and kiss Martin’s forehead affectionately. They had been too powerful for the gods, hadn’t they? Unstoppable, really.

All this to say…what he has with Martin? It’s new. Something he has never experienced before. And it’s leading to a host of new, confusing experiences. He’s been in a relationship with Martin for nearly six months now. Jon really thought that at 32 years old, after battling down fear entity after fear entity in an apocalyptic hellscape, there were no new feelings he could experience. But here he was, lying awake, trying to trace patterns in the ceiling and understand the dream he had woken up from.

Not a nightmare. No, quite the opposite. Nightmares he knows how to deal with: slip out of bed, make a cup of tea or a glass of water, slip on the lamp by the bed, and cuddle into bed, reading quietly until sleep steals him away. But he does not know how to deal with this new dream of Martin, hovering above him, low voice stealing his breath and pressing kisses along his jaw, collarbone, shoulder as delicate, warm, strong hands brushed his body, dipping low with confidence. Jon woke up to a heat pooling in his core, tight and powerful, one he hadn’t experienced in such a way.

Jon has a libido, sure, but it’s always been a bodily desire, not a…what would you call this? Emotional one? He certainly never fantasized about another person, especially not someone he knew, that felt so invasive. He felt a flush heat his cheeks and chest as he pictured that image of Martin his subconscious has supplied him, above and around him with that concentration face he wears whenever he’s starting a puzzle or stuck on a particular difficult crossword, the one that always makes Jon grin and kiss his wrinkled forehead. But this one looked more heated, more filled with lust. And it… it affected him. Jon realized with a dawning that he liked it. A lot.

Jon glanced at the bedside clock and sighed at the blinking green 5:15 on the LED screen. Good a time as any to get a hot shower and let his feelings wash away with the soapy water. He extracted himself carefully from Martin’s warm arms and slipped into the ensuite, stripping to the sounds of water pounding from the showerhead and letting the steam and hot water envelop him. He scrubbed himself down harshly, watching suds rinse down his legs and down the drain, trying desperately to keep his mind off whatever that had been.

Once his skin was blotchy from heat, Jon decided he had enough. He slid into the flannel trousers he’d left abandoned on the floor of the loo and slipped back to bed, trying to do so without disrupting his sleeping boyfriend. Martin looked so lovely like this, auburn curls streaked with white plastered against the pillow and his forehead, mouth hung open and naked torso splayed so openly, so unguarded. He looked so lovely, the freckles smattered on his shoulders and stretch marks carving beautiful lines across his skin; the stars and the rivers below, a whole world in the work of art that is Martin Blackwood. How would he feel if he knew Jon had had that dream about him?

Jon’s staring, the lowercase-b-beholding of the man he loved was broken by Martin sleepily opening his eyes, a moment of confusion followed by focusing on Jon, who was kneeling on the edge of his side of the bed, captivated.

“Mmm. Hi there, love,” Martin mumbled, running a hand through his hair and sleepily glancing over at the clock. “You alright? Bad dream?”

Jon nodded; the spell broken. “Ah, yeah.” He couldn’t tell Martin, it was just a dream; he didn’t want to confuse Martin or worse, convince him he was a liar, that he wasn’t asexual, that it had all been to avoid-

Oh. Martin had spoken. He was staring at him expectantly, waiting for a response. “Sorry, say it again?” Jon asked meekly, sliding back under the covers.

“Do you want to talk about it, Jon?” The voice was patient, so patient. Jon shook his head and tucked himself into Martin’s side, tying up his damp, freshly brushed hair out of the way.

“I don’t really remember it anymore.” Lies. “It mustn’t have been that bad.” Martin’s hands were cool on his skin, still warm from the shower, as they brushed over the planes of his face in a slow way, stroking his nose and cheeks and forehead in the way Martin always did when he wanted Jon to go back to sleep. With some reservation, Jon let himself fall back against the pillows.

--

Jon thought about “The Dream” quite a bit in the week that followed. He wanted to understand it: why it had happened at all, but also, why it was still affecting him. Every so often, between emails sent and papers graded, his mind would drift back to the image of Martin, cheeks ruddy and eyes glassy, gazing down at him with such affection and Jon’s whole body would freeze up. Why was he suddenly attracted to Martin in such a new way? He loved that man with his whole being and yet, there was suddenly a new element, something unexpected, coming over the horizon. It’s been almost six months with Martin; why now?

The implications scared Jon. He had always identified as asexual; it was a core part of who he knew himself to be. Had it all been an unknowing lie? Had he just never been attracted to Georgie properly? Was it like when people get STIs; would he have to ring Georgie up and say, “hey, sorry to bother, I was never asexual, oops!”? He really didn’t want to have to do that. Would Martin be upset, angry that he had missed out on six months of potential sex just because Jon was…what? Prudish? Naïve? Afraid?

The worst part was that this…desire hadn’t come on all at once, he realized. He hadn’t even noticed the way his stomach would flip when Martin’s hands brushed his thighs, blaming his touch-based love language. It was in the way he stared at Martin when he couldn’t see it; eyes tracing his form and wondering what it would be like to feel every inch of him, in a way he had yet to experience. 

God he…had to tell Martin, didn’t he? He didn’t want to feel like a pervert in his own relationship, observing and imagining from afar without Martin’s knowledge. It felt…dirty.

--

Jon made dinner, nine days after the dream. Nothing extreme, tikka masala, rice, and garlic naan. Martin’s favorite. As he cooked, he vacillated between trying to plan out what he wanted to say and very-much-not-thinking about how the evening could end. The worst outcome, he imagined, was Martin storming out, betrayed and heartbroken. That…that probably wouldn’t happen. No, he knew Martin Blackwood. Better than anyone else in the world. That definitely wouldn’t happen. Lo-fi techno crooned through the speakers as Jon cooked and he let his thoughts float away with the music, trying to focus on the spices of dish he was making and not the knowledge that Martin would be home in ten-

Oh. Jon heard the shhlik of the door sliding against the welcome mat and felt his whole body tense up.

“Jon? You making dinner?” Martin’s voice was warm as he called through the entrance, he didn’t know yet what Jon was going to tell him, that it was all a lie-

“Yes!” Jon called back, determined to keep his voice light and casual. “Your favorite. Be ready in five, so get out of your work clothes.”

“Smells delicious,” Martin was behind him now, voice low against the shell of his ear. Jon felt a shiver run down his spine, to where his stomach and pelvis met and a ball of electricity crackled there, unbidden. Martin kissed the crook of his neck chastely and Jon froze, unsure how to reciprocate.

“You okay?” Martin’s chin was on his shoulder now, voice soft.

“Fine, fine. You smell like crayons. The cerulean one.” Jon nudged Martin away casually, trying to pass off a witty remark.

“Hazard of the job, I suppose. You know you love it,” Martin mercifully pulled his hands from Jon’s waist and retreated to the bedroom, and Jon exhaled in relief.

Jon plated the masala. Martin poured the wine. They sat down to dinner. Jon felt it all happen, was there for it all, but it passed in strange jerky stop-motion, and he couldn’t seem to slow it down. He couldn’t see to find the words, so elected for none at all, eating silently. Eye-contact would give away the anxiety brimming inside him, so he kept his eyes on his plate and the wine and the sleeve of Martin’s sweatshirt, anything but Martin’s warm hazel eyes that he knew so well.

“Jon.” He could hear it in Martin’s voice, the gentle prompting. He could hear the worry, the confusion. God, it was going to happen wasn’t it? He was going to tell Martin and what happened happened and he couldn’t do anything to change that. “How was your day?”

“I-ah. Martin.” He said, voice jerky, unable to find a rhythm that felt right. “I have something to tell you.” The words fell from his mouth in a tumble.

“Oh?”

“I. I had a dream?” Martin’s eyes widened and he set his fork down. “N-not one of the Eye’s dreams,” Jon reassures quickly. He really wished dreams weren’t such a theme in his life. “Not a statement dream, but a… different kind of dream.”

“I…I don’t follow.” Martin was confused, eyes searching Jon’s face.

“A dream…about you?” he tried, unable to add the words “sex dream” into his vocabulary quite yet.

“Oh. Oh!” Martin understood at last, eyebrows raised and forehead that adorable, confused wrinkle. “That’s, well, nice, I guess?” Jon’s face must have given way to his thoughts, as Martin tried again. “O-or maybe not?”

“Martin,” Jon steeled himself. “I…I think I’m maybe not asexual.” The words rang sharp in his ears, grating; they didn’t feel right. But it was true, wasn’t it? He didn’t know what sort of explanation there could be.

When Jon dared to look into Martin’s face, he saw an expression he didn’t know how to parse. Furrowed eyebrows, eyes searching Jon’s face, head cocked slightly. “Okay. Because of the dream?”

“Um-kind of? But also…” Jon felt blood rush through his cheeks, was certain the Desolation had picked now to tear its way through him, and was grateful. “I’ve been thinking a lot. About you. In-in ways asexual people shouldn’t. A-and I thought you should know, because I didn’t want you to think I was lying to you and I don’t want to be having those thoughts without you knowing because that feels rude, in a way? Like I set a boundary but have been crossing it in my head this whole time?” Tears stung the corners of his eyes.

Martin’s voice was even, level, hard to parse as he spoke. “Jon, can I ask you a question? Only because you seem upset and I want to try to help you.” Jon was frustrated. Why wouldn’t he have the decency to be upset? At a nod, Martin’s chair scraped backwards, and Jon found Martin kneeling him beside him, hands on his knees as Jon swiveled to face him. Taking his pockmarked hands in his own, Martin rubbed Jon’s knuckles slowly, tenderly.

“Have you ever felt those feelings before?” Jon shook his head meekly, certain the lump in his throat would betray him. “Have you had those feelings the whole time we’ve known each other? Like, since the Institute?”

This time, Jon shook his head. “Not-not until after we were dating. The safehouse, maybe?”

“This one’s gonna sound a little rude, Jon, but bear with me. Do you think you’ve ever been as emotionally close to anyone else as you are with me?” He squeezed Jon’s hands warmly, adding: “And I am with you?”

Jon shook his head. Of course not. Martin was something new to him, something untapped in the world. A treasure, a diamond in the rough. There was nothing that compared to their relationship.

“Jon. I don’t want to tell you how you identify, that’s not my place, but I, I think you’re still asexual.” Jon’s eyes snapped to meet Martin’s; it was his turn to furrow his brow. “After you came out to me, remember? I started looking into asexuality. I wanted to be able to impress you at Pride this summer,” Martin ducked his head, wincing at the cheesiness of his words. “But did you know there’s a bunch of subtypes of asexuality?”

What? This was news to Jon. There’s wanting sex and not wanting sex, right? He shook his head numbly and felt a comforting, grounding squeeze of his hands again.

“There was one I researched a little extra, because it confused me, and I wanted to understand the difference,” Martin continued, moving a hand to stroke Jon’s cheekbone, to guide his face to meet his. “Demisexual, Jon. It’s a subtype of asexuality, and it’s when-” Martin’s eyes rolled back in his head, as they were want to do when he was struggling to recite something from memory. “-you don’t even have to option to feel sexual attraction until an emotional bond is established. And it’s not, like, a one-to-one thing, either. There was a woman talking about her experience on a forum and she basically explained it like sex being a door, right? And the door has a padlock on it. Emotional connection opens the padlock, but you still have to open the door.”

Jon’s mouth was agape. He…there were so many things to parse out here. “You…you looked all this up for me?”

Martin’s cheeks pinked slightly. “I wanted to make sure I understood asexuality. It’s a whole subgroup of its own; it was interesting.” Martin had been a Researcher for a reason, Jon supposed dimly.

“I. I want to research for myself, but demisexuality?” He rolled the word in his mouth as he spoke. It felt nice, weighty. “And it’s still asexual?”

Martin nodded, vehemently, pulling out his phone as he spoke. “Yeah! Its flag is the same colors too, just arranged differently.” He showed him the white and grey flag, divided with a smooth purple stripe and a black triangle on the edge. “A-and, I mean, if you realize you’re not asexual, or you’re something else, you know I’ll still support you regardless, right? I don’t love you because of your sexuality, or your identity. I love you because you’re Jonathan Sims, and everything else besides that is bonus.”

Jon exhaled, feeling the Choke release the hold on his chest. “Demisexual. I…Thank you, Martin. For listening and believing me. I love you too.” He pressed a kiss to Martin’s forehead, carding fingers through the tumbled curls. “Let’s eat, and maybe you can show me that forum afterwards?”

[gusu-emilu]

To Sit Outside Your Door

Ship: Jiang Cheng / Wen Ning

Rated M, Post-Canon, Established Relationship, Non-Explicit Sex, Feelings of Inadequacy, Demisexual Jiang Cheng

read on AO3 or on Tumblr below

* * *

The progress of Jiang Cheng and Wen Ning's relationship has been slow.

Too slow, Jiang Cheng is afraid.

Despite the time that has passed, everything still feels new. Jiang Cheng still feels uncertain of himself every time he sees Wen Ning, still struggles to believe that despite the mistakes he made in the past, Wen Ning actually...cares about him.

And although nearly everyone knows Wen Ning is living near in Lotus Pier and has been gifted his own personal garden, Jiang Cheng and Wen Ning have made no public display of their status. Jiang Cheng would feel less guilty about that if he could just manage to be more affectionate privately.

It seems like Wen Ning is always the one initiating, and it eats at him.

Wen Ning will slip into Jiang Cheng's quarters while he is standing at his bookshelf sifting through the titles, and Wen Ning will give him that look that means he's waiting for approval. So Jiang Cheng will blush and nod, and Wen Ning will wrap his arms around him, rest his head on Jiang Cheng's shoulder and smile smugly while Jiang Cheng tries and fails to continue sorting through his bookshelf.

On walks together at night, when they stop to look out at the lake and no one is around, Wen Ning will give another of those looks, and Jiang Cheng will let him intertwine their hands. Suddenly it'll be hard for him to start a new conversation, so Wen Ning will just mumble softly about what he's done during the day.

Even when they sleep together, it's always Wen Ning who comes to his room, always Wen Ning who asks, always Wen Ning who is the first to slide off a layer of clothing or lean over to kiss or huddle close for them to rest in each other's arms.

And despite all of Wen Ning's asking, spoken or unspoken, he seems to know not to ask to have sex.

After all, Jiang Cheng can barely initiate the small things. He just...freezes up. Gets nervous. Wen Ning must know not to push him.

But it's not like Jiang Cheng isn't trying. And he does get better at it eventually. The first time he is the one to suddenly lean in and kiss Wen Ning during a lull in the conversation, and Wen Ning is so surprised he can barely stammer out a response, Jiang Cheng swells with pride and warmth and, dang, maybe he's been missing out. He could get used to this. Normally it's Wen Ning making him speechless and then gently teasing him about it. It's...kind of nice to be on the other end. Not easier. But nice.

They progress a bit more, privately and publicly, and now sometimes when they go to the night market in the town near Lotus Pier, the villagers will see them with their shoulders touching, or see Wen Ning place his hand on Jiang Cheng's arm (one time it was the small of his back, and Jiang Cheng blushed so hard and shot him such a look of panic that Wen Ning had to hold in his laughter and decided not to try that in public again).

So, although it's going slow, Jiang Cheng thinks he's getting better at this whole...relationship thing. He still feels utterly inadequate, but maybe a bit less than before. And Wen Ning doesn't seem to mind the slow pace. In fact, he insists that he doesn't mind, says that he never expected to have a relationship like this because of what he is now (and then Jiang Cheng grumpily reminds Wen Ning that he is a who, not a what), so Wen Ning is already beyond satisfied with anything Jiang Cheng has to offer.

Of course, that doesn't stop the nagging voice of inadequacy.

In fact, Jiang Cheng is growing frustrated with himself recently. He's started having thoughts he hasn't had about anyone before. Urges, even. He is sure Wen Ning has them too, but Wen Ning has not asked to do anything more than sleep together half-naked, and Jiang Cheng is still not at the point where he can ask for even that much, despite wanting it every time anyway.

More days pass, and finally Jiang Cheng feels like he might be ready. He wants Wen Ning in a way that is more than just someone to talk to about sect politics and nephews and childhood stories, or someone to kiss in a boat on the lotus lake, or someone to curl up next to at night. For once, he will be the one to ask for a new step in the relationship.

He just needs to work up the courage.

Surprisingly, he gets it from the juniors, of all people.

It happens on a night hunt when he overhears one of their conversations. Jin Ling is absent, as he has some clan business to deal with, and Wen Ning is off visiting Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji, so Jiang Cheng is left by himself to watch over the remaining three juniors. (After all, Lan Sizhui is now just as much Jiang Cheng's kid as Jin Ling is, although Jiang Cheng would never admit that beyond a few words.)

From what he overhears, apparently Lan Jingyi has a girl he is interested in and is looking for relationship advice. Why he is asking about something so frivolous on a night hunt, Jiang Cheng has no idea, but the hunt has been boring enough that he lets it slide. Besides, he's not supposed to be hearing this anyway.

Ouyang Zizhen immediately goes into romantic mode (he read a poem about this exact situation!) and tells Lan Jingyi that he should find out what the girl likes and ask her on a date full of things that will make her happy.

"But what if I get it wrong?" Lan Jingyi complains. "It's all just guesswork!"

"If she returns your feelings," Lan Sizhui tells him, "she'll appreciate your effort, no matter whether the date is perfect or not. If the relationship is meant to happen, it will be you she truly cares about, not what happens on the date. She would be happy that you've decided to come forward with your feelings."

Upon hearing that, Jiang Cheng just...sinks farther into the underbrush and tucks the words away for later, furiously denying to himself that he is taking advice from children.

The next day, Jiang Cheng finds some time in between his work to do a bit of...ahem...research. This isn't something he's thought about before. But if he is going to do this, then goddammit he's going to do it well. By the time he's finished his surreptitious research session, his palms are a bit sweaty and his face is a bit pink, but he might have a handle on how this is all supposed to go.

Then he sees Wen Ning carrying cargo for a villager and looking incredibly sexy while doing it (he's just carrying crates, why does he look like that?), and Jiang Cheng is sent hurtling back to square one.

Didn't Wen Ning used to be awkward and nervous when he was younger? Why does he always seem so steady and sure of himself?

Jiang Cheng decides to focus on what he knows he can do right. He knows which stories from his childhood make Wen Ning laugh (he's an awful storyteller—they always come out stilted and unembellished, but for some reason Wen Ning likes them), he knows which candles Wen Ning thinks are pretty (those stupid ones shaped like flowers), he knows which of his night robes Wen Ning thinks look best (he wishes he didn't, but Wen Ning is a bit too bold about sharing the little things he enjoys and it drives him insane).

He also knows that he can catch Wen Ning at sunset in his garden where he usually checks on the plants before going inside, and that if he follows Wen Ning to his quarters and hesitates in the hallway before letting him close the door...he will definitely come to Jiang Cheng's room later that night.

So Jiang Cheng gets all of those things ready.

And sure enough, Wen Ning shows up at his room. A bit earlier than usual.

What Jiang Cheng doesn't know is how to stop his nerves from jumping at every movement, but Wen Ning is nothing if not a calming presence (when he wants to be), so it's...okay. So far.

Wen Ning is in the middle of telling an animated story about a ghost sighting during his visit with Wei Wuxian, and there is one part that is apparently so important that Wen Ning needs to stand up and act it out. He's in the center of Jiang Cheng's room, smiling and making stiff, oversized gestures, and it's such a bizarre combination of endearing and awkward and attractive that Jiang Cheng can't focus on the story anymore.

Suddenly Jiang Cheng realizes that he's on his feet. Wen Ning stops and blinks at him questioningly.

And Jiang Cheng just...stands there. Staring at Wen Ning. Heart racing. He looks like an idiot, he's sure of it.

By some grace of the gods, Wen Ning doesn't seem to find it weird. Instead he steps forward and wraps his arms around Jiang Cheng and gives him a kiss that is much too short. "You interrupted me," Wen Ning says.

"...I know that." Wen Ning gives him a smirk that is just barely teasing, and it ignites something inside Jiang Cheng. "Got a problem with it?"

Wen Ning grips him tighter. "I do." He gives one of those looks, waiting for approval, and once he finds it he kisses Jiang Cheng again. This kiss is much longer, soon becomes much rougher. Jiang Cheng matches it, and suddenly everything feels a lot easier. This is like he has something to fight. He knows how to fight.

They kiss until Jiang Cheng is short of breath—which isn't fair, because Wen Ning never gets short of breath—and soon they wind up on the bed, Jiang Cheng on his back and Wen Ning straddling him.

Once Wen Ning pulls away and looks down, his hair slightly messy and falling onto Jiang Cheng's chest, where his hands are now wandering and sending shivers through Jiang Cheng's body, suddenly everything feels a lot more difficult again.

The farthest they usually go after this is to take off some of their robes and kiss longer and eventually settle down to cuddle.

How can he ask for more?

Can he even give more?

Wen Ning leans down and kisses him again, this time soft and slow and gentle, like he has a secret he is passing through Jiang Cheng's lips. When he pulls away, his expression becomes hazy, as if he is lost. His eyes focus on Jiang Cheng's lips.

He cups the side of Jiang Cheng's face, the pressure from his fingers unsettlingly light, sending a tingle all the way down Jiang Cheng's neck. Slowly, he traces his thumb over Jiang Cheng's lips.

By the time he lifts his thumb, Jiang Cheng wants to melt into the mattress and disappear. Or maybe jump up and run away.

Actually, he wants Wen Ning to do it again.

And Wen Ning does, gently brushing his lips a second time. Heat surges through Jiang Cheng, and he catches Wen Ning's thumb between his teeth.

Wen Ning's eyes widen. He freezes.

This is—this is—holy shit why did he do this Wen Ning's fucking thumb is in his mouth—

In a split second, Jiang Cheng's mind functions enough for him to realize he has two choices: let go, or do something more. It does not seem like he is going to be able to rely on Wen Ning to take the next step this time, because Wen Ning actually looks broken. He's staring down at Jiang Cheng with a mixture of terror and amazement, his lips twitching, his free hand pressing firmer into Jiang Cheng's chest, his fingers starting to dig into Jiang Cheng's robes.

A voice at the back of Jiang Cheng's mind tells him that this next move might very well get him killed—if not by Wen Ning, then definitely by his own heart malfunctioning—but he can't stop himself. He runs his tongue over the pad of Wen Ning's thumb.

A short gasp escapes Wen Ning. "Don't do that," he whispers.

Maybe the months of Wen Ning's gentle teasing has finally gotten to Jiang Cheng, or maybe he has a death wish, or maybe he is just possessed, but he runs his tongue over a longer path this time.

Wen Ning jerks his hand away. Jiang Cheng's heart is pounding. This feels like the calm before the storm, as Wen Ning glances back and forth between his hand and Jiang Cheng, his expression beginning to harden.

"I said not to do that." Wen Ning's voice is shaking.

Jiang Cheng swallows.

A sharp jolt as Jiang Cheng's back is shoved deeper into the mattress. Wen Ning has him pinned by the shoulders. "Tell me to stop."

Jiang Cheng bites his lower lip in as he stares up at Wen Ning, their gazes locked. There is a hunger in Wen Ning's eyes he has never seen before. He doesn't know if he is enough to satisfy it.

"Tell me to stop now."

"I'll decide when you stop," Jiang Cheng says through his teeth.

Wen Ning's eyes round, and suddenly his expression softens, the pressure on Jiang Cheng's shoulders lightened. "You...you will?"

Jiang Cheng's gut sinks. This is the part he didn't want to get to.

A strained tension returns to Wen Ning's face as he grips Jiang Cheng's shoulders tighter. "Then...then ask me start."

"Do I look like a beggar to you?" Jiang Cheng's nerves are at the point of snapping, adrenaline coursing through him. He would rather try to strangle Wen Ning than ask for this.

Wen Ning leans farther over him. His voice is stern. "If you don't tell me to start, I won't do anything."

Jiang Cheng was already hard before this point. Now his cock is throbbing. His breath is heavy. "Fuck you."

The curtain of silky black hair slowly falls on Jiang Cheng's chest and neck as Wen Ning lowers, drawing close to the side of Jiang Cheng's face. His lips just barely brush in front of Jiang Cheng's ear, softly stroking his cheek as if Wen Ning is mouthing words, but no sound comes out.

Finally, his voice a tangled breath, he whispers into Jiang Cheng's skin, "What does that mean?"

There is no way out. No alternative. He knows how stubborn Wen Ning can be.

He shuts his eyes tight. "...Fuck me."

With a sudden force, Wen Ning grabs Jiang Cheng's wrists and pins them to the bed, then buries his face in Jiang Cheng's neck, scrapes his teeth all the way down to his collarbone. Climbs back up to Jiang Cheng's lips and kisses him while fumbling with his robes, beginning to open them.

They've barely started, and Jiang Cheng is already overwhelmed, each touch sending a rush through him. Wen Ning seems to want to do everything at the same time, and Jiang Cheng feels a pang of guilt as he wonders how long Wen Ning waited for this.

That thought is wiped away when Wen Ning lifts up from Jiang Cheng and begins carefully untying his robes, glancing into Jiang Cheng's eyes once in a while as if to check that he can continue. Meanwhile Jiang Cheng does his best to avoid Wen Ning's eyes.

Once Jiang Cheng is fully naked, his already-obvious erection plain to see, while Wen Ning is still clothed, he realizes that this really was a death wish. His entire body is burning.

Wen Ning strokes his cheek, trails his hand all the way down his torso, comes to a pause. "I'll be right back." He hesitates, then gets up from the bed and disappears.

The wait is agonizing. If Jiang Cheng's body was on fire before, now he feels like he is slowly freezing into ice as he lies on his back, alone, mind racing.

When Wen Ning returns, there is a small bottle in his hand, and his robes are...gone.

Well, fuck.

It's not like Jiang Cheng hasn't seen Wen Ning shirtless before. He has.

But now he can see how the black veins stretch over his lower abdominals, over his hips, like dark trails begging Jiang Cheng to dig his fingers into them, and he can see how Wen Ning is bigger than he expected...

The rest goes surprisingly smoothly. Wen Ning tells Jiang Cheng exactly what to do (which sends Jiang Cheng's thoughts wild with the implication that Wen Ning might have experience?), and Jiang Cheng manages some garbled noise of assent at each step.

The one problem is that they're facing each other, and Jiang Cheng doesn't know if he can handle being this seen for much longer.

"You feel so good," Wen Ning murmurs.

Jiang Cheng's breath gets stuck in his throat, and he makes a noise that definitely does not sound like a sect leader.

Wen Ning runs his hands along Jiang Cheng's sides, his chest, his hips. There is a deepness in his eyes, and Jiang Cheng feels like he is being pulled into it. "I...I like how you feel."

He sounds so sincere that it sends a rush of warmth from Jiang Cheng's face to his fingertips to his cock and nearly sends him over the edge.

He instantly flushes with embarrassment. He can't come already, they've barely even started—

Wen Ning slows his movements, almost pausing, and opens his mouth as if he is going to say something else.

"Shut up," Jiang Cheng snaps.

"You're—"

"Shut up."

"You're so perfect—"

Jiang Cheng's cock throbs. His face is on fire. "Shut up and get on with it!"

Wen Ning does not get on with it. Instead, he just stares at Jiang Cheng, the corners of his lips turning up into a smirk.

"Don't fucking smile at me!" Wen Ning's smirk grows wider, a mischievous glint in his eyes. Jiang Cheng can't take it. He hides his face in his hands. "Goddammit, Wen Ning!"

He feels Wen Ning dotting kisses over his stomach. He presses his hands harder against his face and shuts his eyes tight.

The rest is...fucking good. Sometimes Wen Ning says a few more things that make him want to go hide at the bottom of the lake, but thankfully he only uses them sparingly, and at last both of them are spent.

They lie on their sides facing each other, long-held tension released from Jiang Cheng's muscles and his eyes beginning to close with the lingering weight of release. Wen Ning tucks a strand of hair behind Jiang Cheng's ear. "I like seeing you this way, when you're tired. Relaxed."

"Stop looking at me."

A soft laugh. "Okay." He scooches closer and places his hand behind Jiang Cheng's head, gently guiding him forward to curl up in Wen Ning's arms.

"...That was...nice."

"I think so too." Wen Ning hugs him tighter. "I'm glad we could share this."

Jiang Cheng melts farther into his embrace and closes his eyes.

"You know...I'm happy whether we do this or not."

Jiang Cheng pulls away to meet his eyes.

"Really." Wen Ning's gaze is gentle. "Even if we never did, I'd still be happy."

A smile tugs at Jiang Cheng's lips. He buries his face in Wen Ning's chest to hide it. "We...could do it again. Maybe. Sometime."

"Only if you want to," Wen Ning says softly. "Just holding you is more than enough already."

He pulls Wen Ning closer.

Enough.

He might not feel this way tomorrow, but right now...he might believe it.

* * *

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this story, you can be a supportive sibling like Jiang Yanli by visiting me on AO3!

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

I was in a toxic friendship

I want to preface this by saying I am so much happier right now and I am no longer friends with this person. Haven’t seen or heard from her in over a year. I also want to be clear this was a friendship I had in real life, not tumblr. I think however this story’s lessons can be applicable across the board to online friendships and even relationships with family members. Please, if you ever feel belittled by your “friends,” and you bring it up to them and they brush it aside and think you’re overreacting, it’s not a friendship. 

I was friends with this person, let’s call her Stacy, for about ten years before I realized I no longer wanted to speak to her or be her friend. I met her in the ninth grade and we bonded over Disney World and other things and I could talk to her about anything, including this huge crush I had on a twelfth grade boy. She came over to my house sometimes, though not a lot, and as high school wore on we started going to the mall together, stuff like that. I went to college in a different city and she came to visit me sometimes, and we even worked at the same theme park, though different departments. For all intents and purposes this was my best friend, though Stacey got upset when I also called my cousin my best friend, even though she spoke of her sister as her best friend.

She got a boyfriend when we were both around 21/22 or so, I think we were both juniors in college, though she took a semester off because she hated school and thought it was weird I was a double major. She told me her boyfriend was thirty and she met him at work. I thought the age gap was a little big, but I wasn’t one to judge. Later on I found out he was 36 and she told me she lied because she was worried how I would react. I met him and I thought he was nice, but when she got engaged when we were both around 23, I had only met him that one time for a birthday dinner she had, and my mom and dad told me they thought it was kind of strange. They also said it was weird to them whenever I hung out with Stacey it was only for like an hour, two at most, especially since my cousin and I could spend days and day together at sleepovers, chilling and being ourselves, interpretative dancing, lol. Privately I also found it odd I could talk to Stacey about anything, but when I asked questions about her life and her thoughts she’d barely talk. Her grandma passed away, she loved visiting my grandma because she could have one through me. One day I broke down and admitted my grandmother is a narcissist, and she is different behind closed doors. she berates me, used to call me fat, berated me. Stacey didn’t believe me. I can’t say when she started not being such a good presence in my life, but these were some seeds, and it got worse--slow at once and then all at once as they say.

Anyway, I was a bridesmaid of hers and her sister was the maid of honor--a mutual friend was another bridesmaid and there was one more (super sweet girl and I don’t even think Stacy talks with her much anymore either LMAO) and at this point in my life I was really into my first fanfic IWD. I was consumed with it, to put it bluntly. This is another story entirely but I spent so much of my college career as an English major writing for academia, and when I was finally writing something for me, I bloomed. I talked to her about it and she kind of laughed about this Cullen person but she liked to read fanfic herself so was whatever about me doing it. I shared with her my first piece of commissioned art and she laughed at Lydia thinking Lydia was just me, and I told her, no, she wasn’t, she’s based off of several old hollywood ladies and I actually made her avatar in game, but she wouldn’t believe it. I actually ended up saying “would you think this if I were white and she were white as well” and she laughed and didn’t understand. Needless to say the whole incident rubbed me the wrong way. I ignored it. Her wedding happened, her sister made a good speech, then when all the groomsmen did a speech for the groom the other Bridesmaids and I thought we had to do something, so we got up there and made an impromptu speech. I called her my sister and I told her I loved her. I didn’t know it then, but I didn’t believe her when she said “love you too.”

I wanted to go back to school, and I ended up in a Masters program after the wedding. My summer semester, my first, went well, starting in June and ending in July. I finished IWD and went to another fic, Stacey making fun of Sophie, my OC for that fic too, because I just straight up made her part Hawaiian like I am. When I told her I had little representation growing up other than like Lilo and Stitch and now Moana, (which I don’t like TBH but another story lol.) she asked me what the big deal was about that. Why did it matter that no main character ever looked as I looked? I couldn’t explain to her how much writing a character who was like me in a fanfic mattered. We planned on going to Disney World, me, her, her sister, and the other bridesmaid, but don’t post anything on facebook because she didn’t want to invite the other other bridesmaid. I wanted to go to a nightclub with her for my birthday but she didn’t want to go because her sister couldn’t enter, so after my whole family, plus her and her husband ate at my favorite restaurant, she went home even after I begged her to come with my and my cousin. She said it was stupid. Also, her husband was a huge ass to wait staff. Alarm bells went off for all of us.

But I was looking forward to Disney in December that year. (2018) I didn’t have a job at the time but was actively looking. Well, I got a job after interview after interview at restaurants that wouldn’t hire me, my dream job researching Shakespeare. It fell through. (I was promised to actively help the professor research, it fell through.) She paid for the trip without me knowing and I had to pay her back 800 dollars on writing commissions which I severely underpriced. because I was worried no one would pay otherwise. School wasn’t going well. Put it simply I felt really dumb and stupid and like I didn’t belong, (we were reading Ulysses!!!) which I later learned was a common sentiment with my classmates who began the same time as I. I will admit my relationship with academia is rocky at the moment, but I genuinely do love to write, love to research, love to make discoveries about new texts. Stacey saw how stressed I was and sad and got angry I was so sad, and asked why was I in school anyway Am I going to be on my deathbed and wished I studied harder? I didn’t have the energy to tell her it wasn’t about “studying harder,” it was that I loved writing and reading and wanted to be a part of academia. Learning makes me happy, expanding my mind. She belittled me anyway, thinking getting a Masters was dumb and I wouldn’t get a good job.

At Disney World I was so happy. I hadn’t been there since I was a child. She made fun of me for wanting to meet Ariel, for wanting to ride Soaring and being afraid to check grades when a classmate said they were up. I got so stressed I cried at the Japan pavilion at Epcot and stress ate sauerbraten at the Germany pavilion (Amazing by the way, I love German food.) She basically dictated the entire trip--we went to Universal for Harry Potter World at her request and refused to ride the spider man ride with me (it was fucking fun too-girl missed out.) All she wanted to do was stand around in Harry Potter world all day, (LOL now right?) I wasn’t that big of a Potter fan anymore, even at that point, and she told me I was going to stay there anyway and like it. She dictated the entire trip and when I questioned her about it she said I wasn’t listening to to her--we were following the agenda. Our last day there we went to a “Hawaiian” restaurant and made a comment about my “Hawaiian privileges.” I just didn’t have the heart to tell her that the crap we ate didn’t hold a candle to real Hawaiian luau food.

When we got back I was mentally drained and melancholic because I wondered why Stacey was so cruel to me. She always had a biting wit, but before it seemed playful. Now it was cruel, mocking. She made me feel so incredibly stupid. At this point my cousin got engaged and I cried because I wanted so badly to be in love with someone and get married. I was angry and I lashed out at people I shouldn’t have. I was later diagnosed as depressed. I felt like my life was at a standstill and matters with Stacey didn’t help. I also had a huge writing crisis--I told Stacey something I will always remember and always regret because she doesn’t deserve to know: I write the romances I want because no man wants me.  At this point, Stacy turned me into her project. She didn’t like how sad I was at Disney World, it put a bummer on her trip, and when I told her she seemed off she brushed it off. Her plan was to get me on dating apps and basically settle for anyone, even though I had used apps before and don’t like them, but when I got back on Bumble she basically patronized me and told me she was proud of me and “small steps.” On bumble, I wanted to vomit. (for the record, I am not against dating apps, I know success stories, but at that time I was not emotionally ready to date.) Also, she would teach me to drive so I could go on dates, but only in my Dad’s truck. 

I wish I could say I broke it off, that I told her not to talk to me again, but Stacey stopped talking to me first. However. the day she stopped was when I told her she was wrong and I wouldn’t listen to this anymore. What happened? I mentioned I was demisexual.  She said it wasn’t real. I said it was real to me--I don’t experience sexual attraction unless I have bonded with someone. Sure there are people I like to look at, but it’s not a sexual attraction. She asked about my crush on Tom Hiddleston, Cullen, “that robot guy” and was like yeah you’re sure demi, and lol it’s not real. It wasn’t just her words, it was the mocking indifference. 

I went off. I told her she didn’t have the right to tell me what was in my brain or how I felt. I knew who I was and who I am. I should have also told her I wasn’t her project, but I left her that day and it was the last time I saw her.

I talked to my dad that night and mentioned it to him, being demi, and you know what he told me? I think I’m the same way. I think I almost cried. 

I tried to talk to her again but she didn’t want to see me. She had “personal issues and was busy” I pissed her off. Good, I say now. But after this happened in March of 2019 I thought I had no friends. She was my only friend, and I lost another mutual friend (one we went to Disney with) because she knew Stacey longer than she knew me. But you know what happened in April? My cousin asked me to be her maid of honor and I fucking wept, because there was my best friend--my sister all along. Just because she lives in another city and we are growing up and it took me longer to figure out my career than her doesn’t change the fact that we have a bond that can’t be broken. My cousin is one of my favorite people and if you know her you love her--it is impossible not to. And when I told her about my fanfic and about being demi she wanted to know, wanted to listen. School got better too--I started chatting in class more and come to find out, one of my classmates also broke up with a toxic friend. God I love her and I miss her--wish I could see her. (thanks COVID) 

There was more, but this was a lot, and I spent more time writing this than I thought I would. I wanted to write it because seeing a few posts float around made me remember, and I want ya’ll to know, leaving a friendship is scary. Sometimes it can be worse than leaving a lover. But it is a brave thing to do. Part of me that knew I should have left at the first racist comment (oh yeah, she called me a pineapple one day before the Disney trip, did I mention it’s a slur for Hawaiian people? If my grandma were there she would have clobbed her.) but I stayed because I didn’t think I had any other friends. Well, I did and I do, and I know now friends lift each other up, not belittle or talk behind your back. They listen to me when I talk about how important my writing and my characters are to me. 

Sometimes I still miss her--but mostly the high school her that I knew before she met her husband. I don’t know if he changed her or this was her all along, perhaps both. I got fired from a job in November 2019 (which now I’d like to thank them because I got a better and more fulfilling job with a boss that respects me.) and when I cried outside the place, humiliated, I wanted to call her and vent like I used to. I didn’t. Now I don’t want to call her anymore or talk to her. I’d rather spend time with people who care, people who don’t kick me when I’m down. Since then I am so much stronger, in so many ways. The worst times in my life yielded the greatest lessons I have ever learned. 

If you made it this far, thank you. I did tear up a little writing this, but please know: it can be hard to walk a new path, but it is brave. You are brave. You don’t deserve to be belittled *hugs*

[blissfulalchemist]

🍨 🌸 🌵 + aria?

Thank you so much for asking about her!

🍨 - What are expectations your muse has had about love that either was false or impossible to live up to?

“Aria seems to always have such high expectations. Can’t she just settle for someone that is at least agreeable? She’s a very lovely woman, so smart, so pretty (when she puts in just a tiny bit of effort), she just can’t seem to hold a man down. Not that there isn’t anything wrong with her having a woman, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that those expectations were just as high or even a bit more so.” Mrs. Dawson cir, a year before U4

Really Aria just is looking for this spark that more stems from understanding than anything else. She’s on the ace spectrum with her being demisexual and also still very much a romantic at heart. She wants to feel that overwhelming feeling of love where you seem to be swept off your feet or to have the soft slow building of love with the stolen glances and turning away with a blush. The problem is, is that Aria will determine quickly if she likes you or not because of this. Granted many people will bore her in their inability to keep up with her or lack of interest in what she even has to say or think and the culture she’s made her career in doesn’t lend itself to offering that many people that will be the opposite. Given all these little things Aria’s whole idea and sense of romantic love becomes false/impossible to live up too. To be quite honest Nate seemed to hit that sweet spot for her in terms of sparking everything at the right time so she did have a little bit of sense of what romantic love felt like to her, and she’s been chasing that kind of feeling ever since. 

🌸 - What's their idea of a perfect date?

As stereotypical as it sounds Aria loves a good museum/historical sight date. If you were to end that with a simpler meal, please no extravagant restaurants, that is close to wherever you just visited. Nate and Aria’s first date (or at least retro actively labeled as such by them) was at the Huntington Library and Botanical Garden, once finished with their research the two walked the grounds and art museums eventually settling themselves among the citrus grove to have a bit of a picnic with some food from the café there. 

You can also go for option B where you both have conversations after your friends decide to shoot at each other after interrupting your dance that was going so well. That is also an ideal date as it starts off the romantic at heart’s dream of being swept up in a whirlwind romance.

🌵 - How toxic would a relationship be with your muse? Would it be able to be fixed?

With Aria she’s pretty damn stubborn and will speak her mind so that can lead to a good amount of fighting between her and her partner. This is something that can be fixed but if she’s the only one trying to fix it well she’s going to stop and just drop the relationship entirely. 

[smalltragedy]

* natalia dyer, nonbinary + she/they | you know philomena carmichael, right? they’re twenty, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, a day? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to the leanover by life without buildings like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole wind whipping around your hair, the gentleness of decomposition, a naked blur dancing around the flames of an everlasting fire thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is april 20th, so they’re a taurus, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 22, est, they/them )

hi thank u all fr being so patient w me as i rapidly switch out muses n figure out wht the fuck im doing atm <3 also sry fr my rare presence work hs been kicking my ass like lets jst say i deserve 2 b smbdy’s housewife (misogny wins this time sry) so i nvr hv to work in my life <3 DFSLKSDHKGLFSHLKAGHLKAHLKSG this is a joke 2 clarify. anyways. this is philly she’s old bt she’s one of my very favorites ever. this intro is also old sry its nt in my usual. style. LKDFKHGLKGF

CANCER, TRAUMA, DEPERSONALIZATION / DEREALIZATION, DEATH, GRAPHIC MENTION OF DECAY, INSECTS MENTION TW.

mini playlist.

the girl who stole my tamagotchi ;; hot sugar / i dropped out ;; and the kids / pork soda ;; glass animals / wonderfully bizarre ;; bendigo fletcher / (dream) ;; salvia palth / alien blues ;; yundabar / dust in your pocket ;; glass animals / warm honey ;; willow / bela lugosi’s dead ;; bauhaus / gecgecgec ;; 100 gecs / blinding ;; florence and the machine / nantes ;; beirut / cherry-coloured funk ;; cocteau twins / not allowed ;; tv girl / oblivion ;; grimes / space song ;; beach house / dog food ;; 100 gecs / the leanover life ;; life without buildings.

statistics.

full name: philomena brontë carmichael

nickname(s): philly, phil, mena, etc.

birthday: april 20th, 2000. 

zodiac: taurus sun, scorpio moon, aries ascending.

mbti & temperament: infp & improvisor / phlegmatic. 

label: the halycon.

sexuality: demisexual.

pinterest.

biography.

a middle child belonging to christopher and imogen carmichael - two stanford professors. christopher specialized in british literature whilst imogen specialized in the classics. hence the name.

the order of siblings goes as such: lysander, elektra, juno, philomena, and twins orion & valora. the deal was that everybody had a greek (or in juno’s case, roman) first name and a middle name inspired by a piece of british literature circa 1800s and under. a family of nerds, if you will.

so, clearly - right off the bat, their parents are … eccentric. they’re both in love with their respected topic, and with each other, and with their kids. the carmichael family is a happy family.

they each have their own quirks and whatnot - though philly’s always been particularly dreamy - even as a child, she’d spend hours watching clouds or caterpillars or the leaves blow in the wind rather than play with other kids. she wasn’t a shy kid - she just had her own interests.

hardship doesn’t hit the family until philomena is five and starts having splitting headaches. they’re slow at first - but as soon as she’s seeing spots and unable to walk in a straight line, doctor appointments are made.

cancer tw // it doesn’t take long for them to discover the tumor, though the official diagnosis of malignant ependymoma comes a month later.

it’s grade ii but slow-moving, small enough to not be as much of a threat as worried, but big enough where removal is necessary. philomena earns a scar and brings it in for show-and-tell. for two months afterwards, philly’s at radiotherapy monday through friday.

they’re lucky - philomena’s considered cancer-free by the next year. she’s babied at first - handled delicately, as if she could break if touched - but with five other children … it doesn’t last for too long. end of cancer tw //

and life continues as normal.

her personality doesn’t shift much over the next few years - she’s awfully independent for a kid, and awfully quiet - when she speaks it’s about faeries and bigfoot, about how the sky is so blue and if you listen quietly, you can hear the leaves whisper their secrets to each other. this is not odd.

she’s close to all her siblings, but she idolizes her older sister - elektra. elektra’s six years older and dyes her hair whatever colors she wants. elektra bought a knife off a seedy guy downtown. elektra threw away all of her heels and renounced god. elektra is god. her music is loud but it’s not heavy - it’s florence and the machine.

they’re opposites - elektra’s boisterous and feels loudly, philomena’s softer and feels…less. when elektra sneaks out, philomena keeps watch. they are a duo.

philomena is smart - but she’s fifteen and hates school. hates sitting inside all day. hates the same routine - day after day - it’s all the same. her parents’ routine is the same, philly feels contained and she wants to live.

elektra’s twenty-one and just bought a brand new spanking (used but not falling apart) 19-something volkswagen … van - using her entire savings account. she says she’s tired of routine, she’s leaving the next day.

naturally, philomena stows away in the back and isn’t discovered until they’re two states away and she’s got to pee. elektra nearly crashes the van in shock.

it’s an argument - philomena vs. elektra, then them vs. their parents, then their parents vs. the school, the state - it’s an ordeal. philomena switches to an online program in the end.

it hurts christopher and imogen - lysander’s not having any of their nonsense, juno’s betrayed and alone - the twins are twins. in the end, it’s alright. the carmichael family is a happy family.

philomena and elektra take their time - it’s not a road trip, it’s their new life, permanently on the road. they stop and explore often - they do odd jobs in whatever town they settle in. they dine-n-dash, they shoplift. they survive in their own way.

during particularly desperate times, they two resorted to identity theft & credit fraud - getting away with it only by ditching the cards once they’ve made it out of state.

she drops out of high school officially when she’s seventeen - they have to drive all the way back to california to deal with the wrath of their parents and to deal with paperwork, but it’s done. philomena doesn’t know what path she wants in life - but it’s not that.

depersonalization / derealization tw // it’s during this time that the episodes occur - philomena’s outside her body, philomena’s wrapped in cotton, her memories are not her own. she’s looking in the mirror and she doesn’t recognize herself. they take shelter in a city for six months, long enough for her brand spankin’ new therapist to figure out what’s wrong with her. she’s diagnosed with depersonalization / derealization disorder - they think it’s stress. philomena doesn’t get stressed. they think it’s trauma. she laughs - she never laughs. depersonalization / derealization end of tw //

death, decay. maggots tw // there is trauma though, deep-rooted but somewhere inside - you just have to look for it.

you. just. have. to. look. for. it. look for it. look for it. look for it look for it look -

you were ten and she was thirteen, an off-trail hike in familiar woods in a familiar town, safe and familiar. it was your idea, to stray from the carved out paths, down creeks and up hills and round, and round again. you’re the one who spotted the scarf first, sticking up from the dirt and dancing in the wind like the beginning of reincarnation. it was not reincarnation, it was discovery. it was ruin. with curiosity drawn, you skidded down - with compliance, followed juno, followed your sister - clumsy in her steps and tumbling down quicker than you. you saw the corpse, but juno felt it. decaying flesh and maggot. end of death, decay, maggots tw //

and she left juno, just like that - just five years later, when juno had finally gone to the end of her wits. philly up and left. abandoned her.

philomena and elektra leave the city after that therapy session. they do not return. she’s always been good at hiding her secrets.

after ending up with warrants from their arrest in florida (after running from the law in texas), philly and elektra have wound up at irving <3 partially hiding from the law and partially bcos their trusty van’s broken down and they haven’t got the money to fix her up yet. 

personality & facts.

she’s quiet but she’s confident - her voice sounds like rustling leaves, if leaves smoked a pack of cigarettes a day.

often underestimated - philly’s petite and looks like she’d fall over if a plastic bag blew too close to her. she’s independent - for the most part. elektra is the only person philly takes orders from.

has always been considered odd - weird, strange. still talks about the trees as if they’re listening, as if they’re old friends. she’s vague and doesn’t elaborate on the things she says.

believes in pretty much any superstition you throw her way. luck is very important to her. if you ask her if the earth is flat, she’ll say probably. believes strongly in bigfoot and the lochness monster. has personally seen aliens, and loves ghosts almost more than herself.

she can be amusing - whether you ‘get’ her or not, her outlook is often bright - she talks about the negatives the same way she talks about the positives. can be seen as naive or gullible, but she’s plenty smart. even if half of her education has come directly from google.

philly doesn’t laugh. a smile, yes - often, in fact - not always reaching her ears, or bearing teeth - but these are not indicators of her happiness. philly is consistently content. she thinks many things are funny - she still will not laugh.

her voice is often monotonous - she doesn’t sound dreary, she sounds far-away. her voice carries. her emotions are often unknown to others.

is apathetic in most situations. she’s hard to bother - she’s incredibly patient and enjoys the company of most - tolerates them at the very least. it’s hard for her to express her emotions, because she feels them so little that it’s very nearly not worth it. her affection is not verbal - it’s small touches and gestures of kindness, love in her own way.

is a fan of knock-knock jokes and bad puns. she won’t crack a smile while telling you them, nor does she expect you to laugh. she just enjoys them.

she owns a motorola razr covered in puffy stickers - hasn’t ever had a smartphone. she’s a fan of emoticons. her favorite is :o)

has a lot of bruises and scratches and scars - she’s often getting herself into pickles. there are always, at the very minimum, three bandaids on each hand.

she has insomnia, so she’s awake often. is often seen wandering town - even when she shouldn’t be, even when it might be dangerous. her intuition is delayed. when she does sleep - her dreams are vivid and fantastical.

keeps a box of memories - sentimental bits and pieces she’s picked up over the last few years. there are a lot of buttons and postcards, but any teeny tiny object will do.

her style changes every week - most, if not all, of her clothes are thrifted. one week she’s baby spice and the next she’s lydia deetz. she combines pieces from different styles often - she looks like a barbie clothed by a child. she feels most comfortable like this.

will either patch-up the clothes that get too worn or reuse them in some way. sometimes donates the clothes she gets tired off - isn’t minimalistic, but she’s learned to keep only a small amount of possessions.

the only consistency is her lucky ribbon - it’s pastel yellow and silky and as thin as a shoelace. she ties it onto her outfit of the day, everyday. if she loses it, she’s lost. elektra has a matching ribbon.

has no problem with minor theft - she only takes bare minimum, puts herself and elektra first and that’s how it’s always been.

currently living in florence, their van, with her sister elektra <3 currently residing in lilac ridge.

they used to live in motels on the occasion, the cheapest room, and more often than not they’d both go home with strangers for a comfier bed and a hotter shower.

it was a common occurrence - she didn’t sleep with them - but somehow, she weaseled her way into their homes anyway. has come out mostly unscathed, on most occasions. this has been a practice ever since they’ve been on the road.

really, truly - has not slept with anybody, had her first kiss at thirteen with a frog. this doesn’t bother her. (smirks at leo)

will consume anything you put in front of her - isn’t picky.

listens to whatever they’ve picked up along the way but she likes instrumentals the best. her second favorite genre is 1990′s and 2000′s top hits. they’re nostalgic for her. third favorites? florence, of course. fleetwood mac. the bird and the bee.

loves storms - will go out in the rain and will risk her life for it.

owns a pair of roller-skates and is often skating rather than walking. unless she’s on grass - then she’s walking barefoot.

has many hobbies, and gets bored of them often. her favorite hobby is welding. she’s not certified.

also, juggling.

also, accordion.

the kind of girl who’ll do any job you give her. odd jobs are her favorite jobs. babysitting is her least favorite - but she does it anyway. has lost children before. have they ever been found? not by philly.

dyes her hair blonde often and cuts her own hair - bangs included - finds it cathartic, likes the itchiness of bleach.

everything she does is often in pursuit of feeling free, alive, and meaningful.

( like her frequent visits to the woods, late at night when the moon is high and full. it’s freeing to dance around a fire, stark naked in the cold. builds immunity )

comes and goes wherever she pleases, nothing & nobody can stop her (besides elektra).

has a certain knack for getting animals to like her. has too many ‘pet’ rats that reside with her, alongside a baby raccoon & a few crow pals. has a new animal companion everyday, but she doesn’t contain them or force them to stay.

wanted plots.

speaking through my third eye ... ;; philly is new in town n shes very strange. constantly lives in a state in which she does not exist (at least on the same plane). this is her harassing the locals. this is her slipping thru their fingertips as they attempt 2 understand her. they get close smtms bt philly jst. whisks herself away.

hollows of our eyelids ... ;; perhaps there is smbdy jst as strange as philly. i’m out here calling fr all the weirdos. lets be friends. lets hv philly n co go on adventures n discover horrible sites n uncover ancient secrets tht lie deep below irving. mayb nt tht. bt im jst saying. this is fr the dreamers. da weirdos. the jugheads. LHKDSHFSADLKGFHLSKADG fr those who also feel as if they r not real.

bills n aches n blues... ;; ya this is my call fr all negative plots. bills (catching philly be a thief and a fraud), aches (mayb heartache? unrecruited feelings or w/e theyre called?), n blues (ooooh so sad... so sad ... angst ...) obviously i am a genius. i wldnt say tht philly is here 2 make enemies bc philly doesnt care much abt ppl bt perhaps tht cld b an issue. tht she doesnt care much abt others. mayb ur muse is jst like. cn u pls care. n philly is like. i am incapable. sry. sucks.

n also ,, ;; like. anything i’ll. take anything. philly is weird lets come up w surreal plots tht verge on the edge of like. nt being correct fr this verse. suddenly theres vampires? or so they think ... smirks. anyways. shes been 2 jail n been in the circus (shoutout 2 kirby) n dances naked in the woods n hoards animals n treasures. we hv a lot to work with here obv. 

[ratsoh-writes]

~hi, sorry this is my first time doing a match-up, hope I'm not disturbing or anything.

I'm a Demisexual/bisexual human being (lol sorry) of 1,63 m (5' 4'' I think), I go by she/her/they/them pronoums and my soul trait is kindness with a bit of patience.

I'm usually a quiet person unless there is something that caughts my interest and that can variate from a new anime with controvertial morals to a cursed image.

My hobbies are drawing (wow how original), finding meaning of everything (from flowers to tattoos and constellations) and I do Freestyle slalom skating as sport.

I'm more of an inside person, I'm okay with going out with friends but there are days where I just can't go out and prefer to stay alone in my room all day.

I really care about my friends since they're like family to me, I'm pretty chill and have no filter around them, I especially like to fluster some of the most naive with casual talks about sex education.

I'm not really good with talking in general so I have this thing of showing my love with little gestures or sending them memes and cursed images when they least espect It👀.

I'm not very good on dealing with crying, like what is okay in this situation? Are they okay with touching? Should I hug? Pat pat? At that I just shut down and offer a shoulder to cry on, those situations usually ends in laughter because I'm really awkward and an empathetic crier.

I suffer from bilingual struggles sometimes like when I don't know an English word I freak out because it only comes to me in Italian or when I'm talking in my mother language It happens that I find easier to say a sentence in English and stand there like "pls understand what I'm trying to say I don't know how to tell you in other ways".

Some of my other strenghts can be that I'm open minded and I always ask for consent before doing anything.

I have lots of weakness like: my awful memory, I'm a lot self critical and private, I tend to just bottle up my emotions until they explode without control and sometimes I just get overwhelmed by my insecurities.

I also suffer because of my anxiety and asthma (just sligthy no worries).

I can't take conflits between two friends, I'm really ashamed of this because I become a complete crybaby and just shut down for then feeling useless and weak because that's the only thing I can do.

As for odd habits, I sometimes have random tics that is a one movement that resemble the one you do when playing maracas, I bite my nails (I'm trying to stop but it's really hard) and when I'm exausted I just inspire and do a little cry that resemble a "NYAH!" (I know I know XD).

I have never been in a relationship but in one I think trust would be everything for me and a big no no would be all that soulmate/meant by destiny talk, I don't believe in that stuff and it's a big turn off, bad experience wouldn't recommend.

Sorry if it is too long, you can just ignote this if you want don't worry ^^, hope you a nice day!

As a fellow nail biter, I feel your pain 😔

Anyways let’s match you with SANS!

Sans is pretty great with anyone who’s anxious or sensitive. He’s so chill that it makes friends at least 15% chiller just being around him lol

Sans is good for those who feel off put but large and over the top romantic gestures. He’s a casual kind of guy and considers just being you some good ol comfort food or an quick peck on the lips the height of romance

Sans also has a pretty sharp memory so don’t worry about forgetting anything important around him!

Dating sans includes:

He can’t skate for sh*t but is willing to learn if you want him with you. It’ll be pretty funny seeing one of the most slow moving guys flop around. He’s a good sport about it too. Puns everywhere

Sans likes people with intelligence. The fact that you try to find meaning in everything opens the way to pretty deep conversations. He’d have a lot of fun with that!

Sans has a thing for giving his SOs nicknames. I could see him calling you top! One: because you spin like a top when you skate. Two: because you seem to be trying to face every direction at once, your interests vary. And three: because it’ll have all the pervs out there second guessing it lol

[offtopicoverload]

how would your ideal LI season go?

oooh thank you anon this was really fun and definitely too long and entirely unrealistic because of all the variables but oh well i had fun lmao

Okay I’m just going to start by talking about LIs

I think one of Season 3’s biggest successes was making AJ available from the start, I think that definitely kept those who play for the girls interested

HOWEVER i also think we need one of each: an AJ, a Talia, and a Marisol

Someone you can couple up with right off the bat, someone that takes a bit of time to warm up, maybe around the halfway mark, and someone that isn’t available til the last or second to last recoupling, maybe because they’re only bicurious or its just in their character to take a while to warm up in general, they spent the season in friendship couples or blowing their shot because they didn’t want to move too quick

I know the amount of LIs in Season 2 is a huge attraction, but it obviously wasn’t maintainable, since so many LIs lost their personality after CA

Again, I think Season 3 did great on ideas, but bad execution on drama and actual plot

So I’d probably keep it about 9, maybe 10

And ideally one of them would be trans, probably a trans guy with top surgery scars. Someone makes a joke on the first day and he explains no problem, is open about it and his experiences, maybe he was kicked out as a teenager and is all about positivity and loving people for who they are because of it

I’m all on board for a enby or gnc character or MC, but I honestly think Love Island’s too binary for someone like that to thrive

OH! And an ace LI that’s probably sex neutral and really comfortable with it. They’re up front with their sexuality but have no problem with how sex-focused Love Island is, like they’re fine with the flirting and intimate stuff, they’re just not attracted at the end of the day

Or have this season’s slowburn female LI be demi? I’m not demi, only ace, so I can’t speak on that experience, but I think that might work pretty well, maybe she goes in knowing she’s demisexual and comes out of it knowing she’s demiromantic too? Id love that but idk

I want to touch on customization too, since there’s nowhere near enough

Definitely body types

I forget who said it, but have the typical thin type, a muscular type, and a plus sized

And don’t get me wrong, I know it’s extra work for the artists, but I personally think it’d be worth, but who knows

Make fantasy hair colours possible - blue, green, purple, pink, silver - with the type of variety S3 had, in a style closer to S2

Also tats! And piercings! Just like a septum or some ear piercing, maybe a lip, nothing too difficult

And allow for actually different personalities and careers

I get that most people who apply are going to be outgoing and influencers, but this is all fake anyway so who cares

Have your personality impact LIs, certain LIs are easier to get hearts with with a certain personality, while others have more negative reactions to that personality

Lot of coding but this is just my make believe, what’s the harm

Okay into each day

Id have 20 days, since I agree that that’s a pretty good sweet spot

And Im definitely on board with MC being a bombshell, but instead of introing her on the first day, Id do the second

First half of the episode is spent as a recap of the first day, 5 couples like usual, let’s call the Islanders Bobby, Harry, Camilo, Bill, Rohan, AJ, Talia, Elladine, Miki, and Erikah, I’ll explain later, it’s pretty much for one single reason each

So MC’s first day is the Islander’s second, she shows up like Lucas & Henrik, before all the Islanders are up, and she has an option to say hi to someone early, add a gem to be upfront about being interested or something, during the second half of the first episode

Second episode starts with all the Islanders finding MC and saying hi, whoever you chose to have a chat with’s partner is kinda salty, if you chose a guy

MC ends the day choosing between any of the guys and two of the girls, AJ and Talia

For the guys, like Season 3, three are endgame, ones a red herring like Rohan in Season 1, and one’s up front about it being a friendship couple from the start, since I definitely think we need actual friendship couples - this friendship couple guy is Bobby, but without the pushy crush

Rohan is initially interested, but like in Season 1, he gives it up after a while

AJ is super into it and happy if you pick her and has no problem with it, while Talia has a “no thanks” thing and makes you pick again

Basically, youre not supposed to pick Talia because she’s not open to that yet, and that tosses you off her route or makes it really difficult to fix, maybe only a few dialogue options over the next few days or a specific personality gets her to forgive you. If you don’t pick her, you can couple up later as normal

Day 2 is like it usually is, you’re LIs original partner starts grafting on your LI if you have a male LI, Bobby doesn’t care if you steal AJ, you just have to have a talk with him and he’s fine

You can attempt to reconcile with their original partner, and if you succeed they’ll stop, if not your LI will step in and tell her he’s not interested

Day 3 finds a whole Villa recouping with a dumping. If you have a female LI, then girls are choosing, and AJ will pick you, however there is no dumping for future numbers sake, I know it doesn’t make much sense for the guys to be safe but whatever

If you have a male LI, the boys are choosing. If youre with Bobby, you get stolen and have to help Bobby decide who to dump.

He’ll always choose to dump Miki, regardless of who your LIs ex was or what you say. His reasoning is that she hasn’t made a connection and she was accidentally mean to him once and this Bobby’s hella sensitive

Bobby kinda struggles with it and has a rough few days - You have the option to be sympathetic and keep him available as a friendship couple option, or be a jerk and lose the option to be in a friendship couple

Day 4 is a bit of a filler day, with a fun challenge and some actual conversations.

You learn about your LI and someone else of your choosing, whether that’s a friend, like Ell or Erikah, or another LI youre romancing, like Talia or another of the guys

This is the first time Talia starts to be honest with MC about maybe fancying her and being open to seeing what happens

Day 5 has bombshells: a guy and a girl. The girl is our Marisol of this season, which can also explain away why she’s so slow to open up, she feels like an outcast since she came late and MC can empathise better than anyone which is how they initially bond

The guy is also a LI, but far more bold than Marisol, he has no trouble grafting in front of MC’s LI and trying to steal her or win her over - I’m just going to call him Lucas

Day 6 has another boys’ choice disaster recouping, but with the threat of a dumping on an AJ route

No matter how you reacted to Lucas’ flirting, he picks MC, whether you were going to couple up with him or not, he still steals you from your LI just like Season 2, for simplicity’s sake

The other couples get mixed up, a Nope-adjacent couple are split up, let’s say Erikah and Camilo, but they don’t make it all about them. One of the girls had been pining after a guy but he chooses someone else even though she’s available (Elladine, but Bobby’s oblivious), the girl Bobby was planning to couple up with gets stolen (Talia, but regardless of your route, she doesn’t fancy him), so he couples with Marisol

On a male LI route there is no dumping because the couples are already even

On an AJ route, Rohan is the deciding factor between AJ and Miki. Miki is always dumped because she was barely involved the past few days and Bill isn’t that interested in her even though they were coupled up

Day 7 is the start of Casa Amor, but much shorter this time. Two of the guys are endgame - let’s say Arjun and Carl, two are interested in other girls - let’s say Graham and Nicky, and there’s one you CAN get with, but cheats and gets dumped later on, essentially a Rocco, and one just isn’t interested, another friendship couple opportunity if you don’t want to share with one of the LIs - let’s say Seb

Day 8 is still Casa, you get to know the boys or can crack on with any of the female LIs, though this is still applicable to Day 7

You get a chance to either commit to AJ further or say you want a break to crack on with someone else

If you reassure her, she’ll pie off all the guys and you can stay on the daybed together, essentially ignoring the disaster recoupling and pretending youre still together. But if you dump her, she’ll crack on with Seb if you’re not paired with him, and Arjun if you are, just as a sort of revenge

During CA you can get closer with Talia, cheeky winks in public and getting kinda nasty during a challenge

You get sneaky scenes with Marisol where you learn where her head is at and how she has a hard time opening up and letting people in. You can reassure her and say you’ll be patient or pie her off and she’ll get with the season’s Graham, though they’ll have a different dynamic and ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE AS A COUPLE

Im sorry but boaty mcboat face and MARISOL?? i just dont get it, im sorry

You can graft on Arjun & Carl, tell them where your head is at, and they’re far less pushy

They try to impress but they’re not like poking you until you tell them you’ll take them back to the Villa like in S2

Day 9 is the final day of Casa, with a stick or switch

You can take back Arjun, Carl, Seb, or Rocco, although Seb is a platonic option but you can pair with him the rest of the season as aromantic representation

AJ never switches to save Rohan, and to be loyal if youre on her route

Talia doesn’t switch no matter the route, she spent Casa just hanging out which honestly isn’t the best idea outside of her route

Erikah switches, because like Season 1 Erikah, her head turns quickly, it’s just a matter of time. She switches to Rocco if you’re not on his route, and Arjun if you are. This is going to absolutely blow up in her face

Elladine switches because she gets worried Bobby will, picks Nicky and they actually get on really well

Marisol switches to Graham if youre not on her route to stay safe again, though they dont last anyway, and sticks if you are because she spent Casa with MC instead of the guys

Bobby sticks cuz Bobby

Harry always switches to someone, let’s call her Cherry cuz why not

Camilo sticks to get back with MC or Erikah - Erikah switched, effectively dumping him and really upsetting him

Rohan switches to someone, lets call her Shannon, no matter the route

Bill always sticks

Lucas switches to someone, lets call her Blake, no matter what, just for simplicity’s sake and because I’m already ripping from S2 so who cares

Day 10 is aftermath, much like Season 2

You can talk with your previous LI, 

Day 11 has a massive dumping where you vote to save a few people

One of the original Villa boys stays, Camilo is the default but if youre on Harry or Bill’s route, they’ll fill his place

Rohan and Bobby survive

If you brought back a Casa boy, you pick between him and Lucas to be dumped 

If you didn’t, Lucas is safe automatically

Rocco/Arjun survive, they’re coupled with Erikah

Either Nicky survives to stay with Elladine or Graham is saved for Marisol if she brought him back, Nicky automatically survives if not

For the girls, Erikah, Elladine, Marisol, and MC are safe

You vote between Cherry, Blake, Shannon on who to save, Shannon is the encouraged option because her and Rohan are actually really cute, but he’ll be nice to any of the girls for the rest of the season

You have to vote between AJ and Talia, sorry queers, i hate it too

Day 12 has a recouping where Talia is finally available if you saved her after everything from Casa Amor

You can reunite with your LI from pre-CA or simply stick to youre CA pick, it’s girls choice, MC is somewhere in the middle

Day 13 has two bombshells - both guys, let’s call them Levi and Tai

Levi grafts hard on MC whereas Tai takes a backseat and MC has to go to him instead if shes interested

Day 14 is a grafting day, you can graft and bond with your LI, Levi, Tai, or Marisol

Day 15 is the second to last recoupling, where you can get with every LI 

If youre romancing Marisol, you have a fight in the morning because she still won’t commit and she hasn’t really had an drama on her route yet

Day 16 is an explosion of drama

It’s another Roccogate but on an even bigger scale

If you’re on Rocco’s route, you suffer the backlash, and if you’re not, Erikah does but it still blows back to MC in order to keep her involved

Rocco makes a move on Erikah when MC’s with him, and MC when Erikah is. If he makes a move on MC, she can reciprocate or blatantly shut him down and Erikah will always reciprocate it when he’s coupled with MC because whaddaya know her head can turn at the littlest thing

If he made a move on MC, she can tell her LI who will chew him out privately, or keep it to herself

They basically get caught in the act by Levi, who doesn’t say anything until the afternoon - a lie detector that reveals a bunch of stuff, ill discuss later

He’s asked if he has any drama and he lies, saying no but eventually spills that Rocco made a move on MC/Erikah, and regardless of whether MC reciprocated or not, he says she did

If MC’s with Rocco, she can attack Erikah until someone steps in, maybe Bobby? Or Arjun? and reasons with her. She can get most of the Villa on her side about Rocco being a prick - except for Levi, no matter what, he’ll always side with Rocco and say it’s part of the show

If MC’s not with Rocco and denied him, her LI will accuse her of lying and she’ll have to essentially win them back by the next day or try and get Rocco to clear her name, which she can if they have a high relationship

And if MC didn’t deny him, her LI will dump her on the spot if they have a low relationship, or still win them back if they have a high relationship - but it will still be remembered

Back to the lie detector

There’s the typical S1 questions, cheating is revealed, you can commit to your LI

BUT 

If youre on a Marisol route, your LI asks you about her and MC has to confess, which drives a rift between her and Marisol because yeah

y i k e s

Day 17 is the final recoupling

Marisol basically storms into the kitchen when MCs making breakfast and says they’re coupling up and just leaves again. MC has the option to be like “yeah okay, chill” and go back to her breakfast or “what the fuck? no” and chase after her and pie her off

If you don’t pie her off, she chooses MC herself, because that scene in S2 is just really cute and I want another

There’s a double dumping of two boys - Levi and Rocco, and you have no say in it

Erikah, MC, or her LI will essentially turn the Villa against Rocco, while a few of the Islanders resent Levi for his take, mainly the girls

It’s a couple vote, and even if you vote for someone else, they still get dumped because they have the most votes

Day 18 is filler and fluff, meet the parents and final dates, with a surprise dumping where you can get a say and can help them pack, but its a strictly platonic goodbye

There’s so many possibilities and I don’t feel like listing them out right now, but it’s a single couple between three at-risk ones

Day 19 another surprise dumping, why not stick with prom? I just really dig the art, and but maybe make it closer to Season 2? And more personalized speeches!!!

And have a Lottie/Hannah moment! 

Idk who all would be here, I don’t feel like listing it out, but I think I have all the dumpings listed below the cut

You can pick between both people dumped who you want to help pack, and can have a moment with either of them, opening a “runaway” option after the finale or reunion

Day 20 is the finale, with the Islanders gossiping and stressing in the morning as some filler content

The afternoon is the announcement, and your placement depends on your couple - If you were loyal the entire time you were with them and have a max relationship you get 1st, if you were loyal but dont have max hearts, you get 2nd, if you weren’t loyal but still have max hearts, you get 3rd, and if you have neither you get 4th

If you win, your LI gets the money no matter what and it’s not based on relationship, it’s based on where in the relationship you are - if MC agreed to be their girlfriend on Day 18, they split the money, and if MC didn’t, then they don’t see a future and keep it

The last episode is the finale party with options to dump your LI for good, make plans to move in, reconcile and explain why MC didn’t say yes on Day 18, or get with someone else entirely

Oh and I want two of the dumped guys to show up together and have started dating outside of the Villa

Cuz I can’t think of another opportunity for mlm in this chaos

This is really messy so I’m going to list out couplings under the cut to try and make sense of this, I think I got everything but probably not its a disaster

LIs

AJ

Day 1 - MC or Bobby or Single

Day 3 - MC or Bobby or Bill

Day 6 - Rohan

Day 9 - Rohan

Day 12 - MC or Bobby or Dumped

Day 14 - MC or Bobby or Dumped

Day 17 - MC or Bobby Dumped

Talia

Day 1 - Rohan or Single

Day 3 - Rohan or Bill

Day 6 - Camilo

Day 9 - Camilo

Day 12 - MC or Bobby or Dumped

Day 14 - MC or Bobby or Dumped

Day 17 - MC or Bobby Dumped

Marisol

Day 6 - Bobby

Day 9 - Single or Graham

Day 12 - Graham or Harry/Bill/Camilo

Day 14 - Graham or Harry/Bill/Camilo

Day 17 - MC or Graham or Harry/Bill/Camilo

Harry

Day 1 - MC or Elladine

Day 3 - MC or Elladine

Day 6 - Elladine

Day 9 - Cherry

Day 12 - MC or Elladine/Marisol or Dumped 

Day 14 - MC or Elladine/Marisol or Dumped

Day 17 - MC or Elladine/Marisol or Dumped

Camilo

Day 1 - MC or Erikah

Day 3 - MC or Erikah

Day 6 - Talia

Day 9 - Talia

Day 12 - MC or Elladine/Marisol or Dumped

Day 14 - MC or Elladine/Marisol or Dumped

Day 17 - MC or Elladine/Marisol or Dumped

Bill

Day 1 - MC or Miki

Day 3 - MC or Miki or Elladine/Erikah

Day 6 - Erikah

Day 9 - Single

Day 12 - MC or Elladine/Marisol or Dumped

Day 14 - MC or Elladine/Marisol or Dumped

Day 17 - MC or Elladine/Marisol or Dumped

Lucas

Day 6 - MC or Erikah

Day 9 - MC or Blake

Day 12 - Blake

Day 14 - MC or Elladine/Marisol or Dumped

Day 17 - MC or Elladine/Marisol or Erikah or Dumped

Arjun

Day 9 - MC or Erikah or Dumped

Day 12 - MC or Erikah or Dumped

Day 14 - MC or Erikah or Dumped

Day 17 - MC or Erikah or Dumped

Carl

Day 9 - MC or Dumped 

Day 12 - MC or Dumped

Day 14 - MC or Dumped

Day 17 - MC or Erikah or Dumped

Tai

Day 14 - MC or Single or Elladine

Day 17 - MC or Erikah

Rocco

Day 9 - MC or Erikah

Day 12 - MC or Erikah

Day 14 - MC or Erikah

Day 17 - Dumped

Levi

Day 14 - MC or Single

Day 17 - Dumped

Other Islanders

Elladine

Day 1 - Harry or Single

Day 3 - Harry or Bill

Day 6 - Harry

Day 9 - Nicky or Harry/Camilo/Bill

Day 12 - Nicky or Harry/Camilo/Bill

Day 14 - Nicky or 

Day 17 - Nicky or Tai

Erikah

Day 1 - Camilo* or Single

Day 3 - Camilo* or Bill

Day 6 - Camilo or 

Day 9 - Rocco or Arjun

Day 12 - Rocco or Arjun

Day 14 - Rocco or Arjun

Day 17 - Tai or Lucas/Casa

Miki

Day 1 - Bill or Single

Day 3 - Bill or Dumped

Day 6 - Bill or Dumped

Day 9 - Dumped

Day 12 - Dumped

Day 14 - Dumped

Day 17 - Dumped

Shannon

Day 9 - Rohan

Day 12 - Rohan or Dumped

Day 14 - Rohan or Dumped

Day 17 - Rohan or Dumped

Blake

Day 9 - Lucas

Day 12 - Rohan or Dumped

Day 14 - Rohan or Dumped

Day 17 - Rohan or Dumped

Cherry

Day 9 - Harry

Day 12 - Rohan or Dumped

Day 14 - Rohan or Dumped

Day 17 - Rohan Dumped

Bobby

Day 1 - AJ or MC or Single

Day 3 - AJ or MC or

Day 6 - Marisol

Day 9 - Marisol or Single

Day 12 - AJ/Talia or Elladine/Marisol

Day 14 - AJ/Talia or Elladine/Marisol or Single

Day 17 - AJ/Talia or Elladine/Marisol

Rohan

Day 1 - Talia or MC

Day 3 - Talia or MC

Day 6 - AJ

Day 9 - Shannon/Cherry/Blake

Day 12 - Shannon/Cherry/Blake

Day 14 - Shannon/Cherry/Blake

Day 17 - Shannon/Cherry/Blake

Graham

Day 9 - Marisol or Dumped

Day 12 - Marisol or Dumped

Day 14 - Marisol or Dumped

Day 17 - Marisol or Dumped

Seb

Day 9 - MC or Dumped

Day 12 - MC or Elladine/Marisol or Dumped

Day 14 - MC or Elladine/Marisol or Dumped

Day 17 - MC or Elladine/Marisol or Dumped

Nicky

Day 9 - Elladine

Day 12 - Elladine or Dumped 

Day 14 - Elladine or Dumped

Day 17 - Elladine or Dumped