#so i have a Bad Feeling about these new general managers. really hope im wrong and this is a one-off thing but. ohhhhh boy

[wellthatschaotic]

neurotypicals are so frustrating,, i keep forgetting that "can you do x" means "go do x"

[bumofthewild]

what are your thoughts on the stormblood characters. did you like fordola at all

i wanted to organise my thoughts (oxymoron) on the sb chars actually so this is a good opportunity to start. none of my thoughts are positive though bc i think sb's writing is really bad so when i probably start to sound aggro during this while remembering this expansion i'm sorry.... i try not to be mean when criticising things but i have very little respect for stormblood. also this is about to be extremely long like im not kidding but i figure ppl expect that by now? i hope

i can't really talk abt the stormblood chars without mentioning how much this expansion worships whiteness. and thats even after playing heavensward????? with all of the stuffy white (though beloved) elves who love their white elf history??? fantasy rpgs in general ig. and from square enix. idk why i was so shocked by sb... its a fantasy rpg from square enix....that was truly my bad...................

but fordola isn't who bothers me the most anymore at least. while i was playing sb she used to be the worst sb character to me bc i just thought she was silly and hard to take seriously. initially i was just uninterested in her personality solely being a traitorous attack dog for the empire. that's not to say i don't think sellouts are interesting--i actually think characters like that are very interesting, hence why yotsuyu is one of the more interesting chars (but not by much). it's more that i dont think a single stormblood character was doing anything interesting enough for me to really appreciate, or if they were, it went nowhere or was so poorly developed that any new thing i learned about a character felt random. i feel like anything that could have been interesting in sb was squandered constantly. a lot of them had the potential to be interesting, but were instead so bizarrely flat and almost kind of cliche that i genuinely struggle to put it into words how sb managed to achieve this. possibly bc the story was so preoccupied with repeatedly driving home the same uncomplicated ideas about war and oppression (this would require a separate post) that any sort of actual personality was more or less lost? maybe because it didn't really have a foundation it was working from to keep itself focused? i feel like a lot of time would pass with the characters making the same realisations over and over again (we have to defeat zenos...!) and then when it came time for actual developments it had to rush, thus the feeling of being random. of course, unless, the character was from othard, which the game obviously gave more of a fuck about developing as a location.

like i think fordola's really serious and unwavering personality, the fact that she would do literally ANYTHING to accomplish whatever it is she wanted, could be interesting. if there wasn't so little else going on with her. and also that unlike her fellow ala mhigans she's white. i can't stress how ridiculous it was to watch her or lyse be presented as so important/be the more relevant ala mhigans and everyone else is brown and they're just white. but it wasn't only that she was white. there was just nothing else really going on with her whenever you saw her that provided any kind of intrigue or texture to her scenes. nothing about her character ever changed. until they reveal her motivations for joining the imperials (????)

ok anyone can correct me if i'm wrong, but her goal is to free the ala mhigans from the imperials.....?????? like i'm 100% sure that's what she said. but how does upwards mobility in an imperial nation that relishes in using the word "savage" to describe your people seem even remotely like how that's going to happen? i actually could not fathom for a long while that was what she had said. like i fail to find another way to describe this aside from idiotic, and i often try not to consider things in those terms, but i really don't know how else to describe this. like. this is what i mean when i say the backstory for the characters feels so poorly constructed it genuinely feels random. nothing about her behaviour to me suggested she gave a fuck about ala mhigo. it didn't turn out to be some grand farce when she had her skulls or whoever stomping on the brown guy who they collect dues from in the middle of the road the first time she was introduced. so i just have no idea why that's what her goals are or how i'm meant to believe that's what she wants. i have no idea why she would care about ala mhigo except that her father does or something? but that explained so little to me bc it was lazily done and she definitely does not demonstrate any resolve re that memory except for the one time you see it so okay

similarly, nothing suggests to me that she's deluded enough to believe this path she's on will lead to freedom, either. she didn't seem unaware of the cruelty of the imperials. she's actually meant to seem very capable and smart considering she's established her own unit amongst the other garleans and ends up getting the apparently desirable prize of being zenos' little pogchamp but then what???? why does she think that zenos will give her what she wants?? i literally do not understand what her angle is supposed to beeeee

so i considered the angle that what she said is actually not what we're meant to believe and we're actually meant to extract from the story that she's on a revenge quest for her father against the ala mhigans, and the best way to enact that would be to join the side that's oppressing them. except how she's expressed her motives and how the game makes it clear shes carrying on her father's beliefs for a better ala mhigo doesn't really imply that this is out of revenge either? also she'd be doing the exact same thing yotsuyu is doing, which could be possible bc this expansion can't write. but i just don't think that's it. i think if she truly believes that's what will help ala mhigo like her father did i don't care about it being wrong or right and whether she learns that won't work... but then it just seems so silly.......like girl there is literally no way..................... i am stumped trying to think of what this was supposed to mean or what insights her character could possibly be providing aside from the extremely banal "everyone deserves forgiveness" argument stories about colonialism are OBSESSED with trying to make. hmm i wonder why that is, square enix japan? why cant you properly research colonialism? why is media so obsessed with sympathising with colonisers and pretending its even remotely original to keep saying "if we kill this imperialist...we're just as bad as the people who have been systematically oppressing us for decades...." well...!!

im ngl i actually forgot about fordola until u brought her up bc post-sb really seemed to be gearing her up for the aforementioned redemption arc. but then i forgot how much ala mhigo gets pushed aside to put the spotlight back on doma. bc after she helps you fight sri lakshmi (another character who they just had to make white btw despite the vira/qalyana being brown bedlah babe snake women. they worship a white god. whatever i hate my life) she just vanishes. i thought that was maybe the most interesting thing they did with her character even despite my hatred for lazy redemption arcs for colonialists and cheap backstories about dead parents, bc i liked that she wasn't forgiven and that she herself didn't seem to know what was in store for her own life anymore, but stubbornly chose to help everyone fight and was still really driven despite all her L's. and then you just never see her again. as far as i can tell anyways, and i do not want to know actually bc im still in shadowbringers.

in a parallel world where stormblood is well-written i see myself liking fordola a lot. but this is not that world and i can't keep spending my time imagining a world where sb could be good. like... she just lacked a foundation that really made any of her actions make sense to me. was i meant to feel bad her dad got stoned for selling out to garlemald? i'm not being sarcastic i genuinely dont know if thats what the game wanted. i assume it is bc this entire expansion reeks of endless humanisation for white characters, but ive said the writing is so bad as to leave me genuinely confused abt its purpose many times already.

anyways the absolute worst waste of a char to me is zenos. i haven't had such a hard time taking a character seriously in a long time, and asahi gets introduced shortly after so competition was definitely fierce. i think part of it was that he was one of the few chars id seen fanart of b4 i got to him in the game which gave me the impression he was going to be insightful or something, so maybe i had given myself expectations. but ultimately i was left with maybe the most simplistic main villain this game has produced thus far. which is a shame, bc like fordola there's aspects of his char that i found really interesting, only for them to be routinely squandered with each new cutscene. initially i thought his disinterested, calmer demeanour was interesting in comparison to the other imperial chars, like gaius, who had a lot of thoughts about/passion for what he was doing. i like characters who feel a sort of existential boredom...like a real dead inside char who discovers a sort of esoteric way to live or regains meaning thru someone else--i love that trope! wanting to forever be locked in a cycle of violence with wol. sure. why not! i like that sort of thing! i was even willing to ignore the blonde hair and blue eyes (i wasn't) like i've done this before as someone who used to devote a lot of time to dimitri fe3h. this is not new to me.

but the thing is the moment zenos started talking about the thrill of the hunt i felt something in me wither and die. that trope is not interesting! i will never find it interesting!!!!!!!! if you do i'm happy for you but not me. his nihilism could have been interesting if it wasn't manifesting itself thru the subjugation of the fantasy brown people this game invented just to subjugate like...can we be serious. even just the scale of that was so beyond moronic to me. i had such a hard time suspending my disbelief whenever he opened his mouth... that i was supposed to care about this prince who was deathly bored of it all but somehow still gave a fuck about maintaining the occupation and fetishising the struggle? it was so hard to reconcile any of what he said with his actual apparent years of behaviour. like okay, i already know whiteness is synonymous with violence and ppl are unwilling to take that seriously, but seeing that realised in the sheer scale of colonial violence zenos apparently engages in and then for him to turn around and be like grr i'm gripped by such potent ennui and this is really deep. what about this was supposed to be complex or interesting or well-thought out. i genuinely have no clue

what made it even funnier (worse) to me was that before i got to stormblood i was back at home watching my dad play two separate video games where the main villain was a white guy with the exact same motivations: everything else in life now bored them except for this very specific (and not socially constructed at all apparently!) thrill of hunting real people/framing life as some social darwinist thought experiment that definitely has to be true bc look at how many ppl ive killed and conquered? what's left for me in this life now that i'm at the very top of the very real and not invented and not racist social pyramid.........? but it's not just a me thing humans are just like violent and actually love killingand i am very smart <- like how is this not just a blatantly normalised concept in life in general. nothing about zenos having this outlook reads as crazy or interesting to me, it actually just feels monumentally simple. he was just reading from the coloniser textbook. my sis actually told me while we were talking about the game that there's a book called "the most dangerous game" where i'm assuming this trope as it exists in media probably stems from, if not just the like usual racism/unfortunate fascination with imperialism over and over and over and over again. i just...that his thoughts on the consequences of his actions, the sheer amount of conquest he's engaged in, are largely due to some fatalistic boredom that comes from just being way too strong and too powerful and elevated above the savages. like okay dude.

i think if they had just removed that shit (except idk if thats possible the colonialism is so entrenched in this expansion bc ff couldnt conceive a non-white race without oppressing them) then his character would have been a lot better......maybe..? idk all that shit he says to you before he goes shinryu mode about violence or his being self-serving wouldn't have been original but at least it'd have been a lot easier to believe as his ideology without this nonsensical pile of bodies behind it that i literally could not take seriously. his final monologue was hard to sit through bc it all felt so random. my sis also pointed out that he doesn't feel relevant to the story, especially ala mhigo's story, at all, and i genuinely agree. i feel like they must have had a lot of ideas for him separately and then shoved him into this expansion because they needed a strong villain or something to keep their already thin plot running. with other villains you can see where they get their ideas from or why they're doing what they do and how their actions might progress the story. gaius for eg is a char i find really interesting bc i thought his opinions on primals in arr which is about primals was really interesting, and his conceptions of an ideal empire as well. like he actually has a leg to stand on and compelling things to say. nidhogg is also a good enemy to me, and i dont care so much for thordan but i still think he had interestingly selfish motivations and contributed ideas to the story. maybe that's because hvw didn't wallow so much in a simplistic good vs. evil like stormblood did...like hvw isnt just war its revising centuries of propagandized history and learning to change your own beliefs and going thru a lot of interesting discomfort (to put it mildly). stormblood i thought tried to be complicated at times when for eg meffrid (one of the only chars i liked in sb btw) would occasionally argue with lyse on what's "right" for occupied ppl to be doing during their occupation, like how a lot of ala mhigans wanted to keep their head down. you can see where that idea gets used throughout sb like in namia, but it never actually gets complicated into something worth thinking about bc again the chars are constantly reachign the same realisations over and over by the end (we have to kill zenos...! ANDTHEN THEY DONT EVEN FUCKIGN KILLGHI). like the ideas don't go anywhere, which might be for the best bc in my perfect world this game would not be writing about any of this. and now meffrid is dead bc ff doesn't give af about the ala mhigans or developing their thoughts/beliefs beyond the occasional potentially interesting idea on the map dialogue. atp i just feel blessed zenos doesn't have a backstory so that his personality isn't the result of some lazily done traumatic event. well i say that but the game couldn't even keep him dead so fuck my life. who knows what's in store for me. plz dont tell me.

all the thoughts i have are negative i'm so sorry but the chars i actually liked like gosetsu just get ruined by the time post-sb gets its evil evil hands on them so this expansion is genuinely just dead to me. i used to like gosetsu a lot, and i thought the shame he carried with him for abandoning hien a long time ago was a fun addition to his character. one of my favourite tropes is when a character just wants to die...like they feel like they've emotionally exhausted themselves and don't know what to do with the end of their life. i find that kind of thing really poignant. and i'm pretty satisfied w how they wrapped up his arc, actually, with him deciding to go on a sort of pilgrimage. it was just how they got there i absolutely hated.

it just keeps going back to an inability to write. for eg, if what they wanted was to complicate gosetsu's character by demonstrating how someone extremely self-sacrificial and devoted to his country's cause could actually really want to indulge in something, they choose to do it by having him play an uncomfortable game of house with someone who's murdered an innumerable amount of their country's people. but its okay bc instead of giving that idea any meaningful thought, here's a throwaway line about how he had a granddaughter so it makes sense he's doing this, also we're going to age regress the coloniser so its okay she's basically a child now which isn't a total slap in the face for everyone involved including the player, and then we're going to play these scenes for laughs and everyone is totally fine with it and it's not lazy writing at all.

asahi too i thought was an example of just poor writing, bc why is a single almost zero-context scene of zenos saving him supposed to do anything to explain his behaviour. does that not just seem lazy? he doesn't like zenos for any other reason...? we don't see asahi's thoughts on zenos except for this one cut scene where the chars could be replaced with how meaningless it is and then from then on his suddenly passionate behaviour is just supposed to be engaging...? i personally thought he was a lot more interesting when he seemed to genuinely believe in the bullshit he was saying about the empire being gracious and forgiving and rubbing his hands obsequiously at wol and being overly flattering and just a sort of greasy spoiled bastard. but then of course this totally obvious reveal happens and he's just some "crazy" guy who just wants to be his coloniser's lapdog bc he's sooooooo strong. fascinating. post-sb felt like a bad tv drama. its like the ideas in somewhat isolation are alright but they just stopped caring

tbf to asahi i did like his moments with yotsuyu. if they weren't so steeped in like....the weirdest plot points ever (random-ass yandere behaviour and yotsuyu behaving like a child) i would have been a lot more invested in the punishment they enacted on their parents for grooming one to be an imperial officer and the other being sold off. yotsuyu's backstory is still kind of typical but i thought she was like. interesting enough. she was ok. i could believe in/enjoy their callousness a lot more readily than a certain other character ive already said too much about. i think their truly awful sibling relationship had potential. dare i repeat myself about what happens to potential in this expansion

i wish i had more to say about hien and yugiri and lyse but they kind of just...idk. they just feel kind of shallow......... i don't think they really get developed much, i mean i definitely have things to say but there's just nothing really there that inspires me to do so and this post is already way too long. maybe when i finally write like an essay on how mjuch i dont respect stormblood. i like yugiri though. her hometown is very cool but she just gets relegated to "dutiful ninja" that they use when something needs to be done that wol isnt going to do, and they don't go into much detail about what really pushed her to leave or how exactly she felt, they just kind of have her parents tell you thats what she did. i liked the part though where she was like WE NEED TO KILL ZENOS RN bc it suddenly seemed out of character almost but then well where did that go...ok. hien just feels genuinely evil to me like his vibes are so off and i could not tell you why but he's kind of just there to move the plot forward so i really don't have much to say about him. and talking about lyse would just make this post even longer and more hateful. i used to really like her too.

time for something positive...? i really liked the azim steppe when it wasn't being so randomly misogynistic. that was where i was most interested in what was going on bc it had less to do with the war, but then you bring the war to them so...*screaming*. like it's a shame to me that the xaela are still framed by a focus on war, but the dotharl's concept of rebirth and the other practices the different groups had were maybe the most interesting things to me in the entire expansion. also how gosetsu had that moment with one of the dotharl warriors who died without it being some weirdly ignorant clash of beliefs. i liked that part a lot. sadu and magnai and cirina arent developed enough for me to have much of worth to say about them rn bc like yugiri and hien they kind of just become channels for the story, but at least they have a lot of personality and there's a lot to work with. also its 2am. i'm hoping to have more ideas re the xaela when i get around to doing the sidequests in that area, which i think will help me round out their characters more. i called cirina having a thing for hien from like a mile away btw bc this game is so unserious. anyways i think there should be like a spin-off about sadu magnai and cirina and if it doesn't come to exist soon i will grow like ten extra hands and make it myself

[fllagellant]

hard to choose any of these but im gonna ask about “hey me and my boyfriend saw you from across the bar etcetc” and/or “romanticizing bad joints” 🫶

🫶🫶 HEEHEE okok ‘ hey me and my boyfriend saw you from across the bar etcetc ‘ takes place during citadel dlc but that’ s not really important .. Kaidan has the new habit of training in the arena by himself but he doesn’ t have his score up or has his matches recorded so it’ s something you gotta See Live .. the ‘ me and my boyfriend ‘ in question is Thane and Jacob … Thane is just happy his recovery is well and Jacob is just a Big Fan . Homoromantic all the way down ( eventually when I get to it Yknow how it goes )

Excerpt :

A hand wrapped firm around his shoulder.

No interviews, no teaming up, no pandering.

Kaidan, respectful to a point and not ravenous just yet, let himself be held back.

No interviews, no teaming up, no pandering.

He could only hope that maybe it would be that he was misrecognized, or maybe a quick congratulations and nothing more

No interviews, no teaming up, no pandering-

“I had worried your incident would have scared you off from biotic displays.”

…He knows that voice!

Based on the stories he has heard from Dr. Chakwas, Joker, and from Shepard on rare occasions, Kaidan knew Thane Krios relatively well. The burst of time between them, shared in a hospital room that Kaidan kept waking in- something about the meds, he would fall asleep again and again, no recollection of it happening- and the chair that Thane would keep sitting in, Kaidan knew him from that as well. Not a bad way to meet- there are plenty of better ways, don’t get him wrong, but there are just as many worse ways. He was happy with what he got.

“Hey, you have to tell me how you managed that final push. Never seen a biotic reaction that powerful. Swear I felt tremors.”

Hey! He knows that voice too!

Jacob Taylor was, all around, the sort of guy Kaidan would have liked to work with. He, still, would like to work with him. Maybe they could have met earlier in their Alliance careers, but that idea held far too many uncomfortable facts that would have had to be true to make them line up. And, to be honest, Kaidan was happy with how they met face to face. Joker had been… rather truthful. In his descriptions of the man. A rare sort of thing for him to do.

—

Romanticizing bad joints is another Jeff/James/Steve classic from me .. another Citadel dlc classic bc I would like them to share a king sized bed . Boils down to James … romanticizing bad joints UM .. Mostly just him getting waaay too aware over little repeat movements that Joker and Steve do + learning exactly what certain actions strain or cause like . The snap / cracking of joints . Listen … maybe it is bc of my own bad joints but I would love for someone to find it almost endearing when my hip cracks .. + more general domesticisms for them

Excerpt :

They had managed to claim a bedroom. Four walls, a door, a bed, a personal bathroom. Joker had the argument that he needs a private bathroom. Pills and ointments and hey, you guys don’t want to see that.

Okay, sure, Joker was the one that claimed the personal suite. But James is a beneficiary. So is Cortez. It was their bedroom.

The door was closed, not locked, but the sound of continuous traffic faintly filled the air of the room. Not bad for sleeping ambiance.

(Steve was a better shuttle pilot than Jeff, something about spatial awareness.)

(The rental flew great, James propped his arms on the middle console.)

(The Wards were busy like always, and Jeff tapped along to a song on the radio.)

(Steve snapped with him.)

(James hummed.)

Joker- countdown still ticking away, sleep still looming- moved weakly. Not moving to get anywhere, just moving so that he could. James- careful, careful- rested a hand against his back. Thumb rubbing the smooth dip down the middle, up and down the small length of spine he could touch.

There was a point when he could feel the bumps. The bone of Joker’s spine firm against the skin. It was comforting to feel, to know the difference now.

Cortez- impossible to tell if he was asleep or just laying still- held one of Joker’s hands loosely. Just barely, fingers untense where they curved to hold, palm laid flat and open. His breathing was even, his other arm tucked underneath his pillow, the blanket barely pulled up or around him.

Him and blankets never got along. He always kicked them off or had them bunched around his legs when he got up. Helped that he ran hot, anyways.

[nerves-nebula]

Omg so glad you liked the song recs!! I'm honoured that a song I recommended has joined your playlist.

Here's a few other songs from Gregory and the Hawk I think might fit your interests/vibes!

I'm Your Puppet <- TW just in case for this one. This one has more direct lyrics. It does hint/mention (it's like, not direct but it's not a vague hint) of sexual ick, and in general is about a toxic relationship. Definitely hits that psychological abuse point of "this is wrong but I don't have an alternative and I know you don't care but I'll do anything just in the hopes that you'll care for me, if only for a bit" and all the negativity that comes with that. It's also a more "raw"/ less polished sounding song that kinda adds to the vibes.

Kill the Turkey <- talks about death, but also like. Death cycling into life, but not in a "this is the cycle of nature" but in a "if you're determined (corrupt) enough the woes of others is the joy you reap" <- i don't know how else to describe it but it has VIBES. Haunting in a "this sounds good but heyyy something isn't right here" sorta way. Similar to Stone Wall Stone Fence in that it's angry towards something outside of your control, but something that impacts you all the same. (one of my favourites along side Stone Wall, Stone Fence)

I couldn't choose between two songs so instead of three (three is a more manageable number I feel) I'm gonna have to give you for. First is Memory and Honesty and second is

Memory and Honesty <- a REALLY interesting song, they did a really neat job adding dissonant notes and the whole thing sounds off. The lyrics are darker, where the person is describing difficulties between their memories and what they think is true. Kinda "this could be true, if I'm remembering correctly" ALSO it has an ambiguous line where it sounds like their partner kills them so. idk it's really neat and it has a lot of emotion in it. Kinda feels like stepping into an alternate dimension where you're a ghost where you can actually understand the lyrics that don't make 100% sense if you just read them

Wild West <- This song sounds like its treating you like a mythical creature that's trapped just beyond our realm. Asking you how it feels seeing everything without being able to engage. "Wild and free, what will you be" sorta vibes, but in this case you may never have had a grasp on the world to begin with so how can you know what to be? <- that might not make any sense but idk that's the vibes I get. It's like it's haunting you, but in a not bad but kinda mournful questioning way. ALSO another one of those songs where it hints at the apocalypse has happened and you might be the only survivor, what will you do? Or maybe it's the apocalypse because you were the one that died and lost the world?

I'm Your Puppet -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9S1t0mIfpVc

Kill The Turkey -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imK4sUveCrU

Memory and Honesty -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOVBSWnvwuk

Wild West -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPijrw8wCds

Another album of theirs to listen through I'd recommend is "In Your Dreams". Very good for background music, more heavy hitting at times and more acoustic -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-LYae5TuWA

think im your puppet and wild west are my favorites out of this batch. thanks for the music, its giving me something new to listen to while drawing hah.

[littlelambdrgnfly]

Ok since you reblogged that one post I hope you know I reread The Sum of Them for the 3rd time, maybe like a month ago, up until the last chapter and i never finished it cause i didnt want to experience it ending again (if that makes sense), i wish it never ended. I wish they could play baby games forever but its so important it does end because the ending is soo beautiful but so devastating, and it's beautiful because its so devastating, and my heart cant take experiencing that again :'-(

i already sent a message on here saying that your fic was the first fic to make me cry, possibly the first piece of LITERATURE in general to make me cry (i could be wrong but i cant remember any piece before that), and it made me cry 2 times when reading it for the first time. It is truly my favorite piece of McLennon fanfiction, but the only reason i dont fully consider it mine is that if someone were to ask me, it'd be too taboo/freaky to say but its truly one of the most heartfelt and complex ways ive ever seen anyone portray John and Paul while also feeling completely accurate and realistic. My god. And i love so many of your other fics too but The Sum of Them really means so much to me and I cant even say that enough. i wish you could just live as me and be inside my mind to fully grasp how much of an affect it had on me, I dont think i will ever be able to explain it sadly </3. But just know out of every McLennon fic ive ever read (and ive read many), THAT one is my very favorite out of like 100+. The way you characterize them is just so completely different from any other fic ive read and its so intimate and raw and holy shit i dont even have the words. Sorry i know im rambling at this point but I just think about it a lot! Also your fics are the only fics i enjoy anymore, (recent) beatles fics have gone down the drain in my opinion and yours are the only ones i can be satisfied with because, as far as im concerned, anything you write is automatically in-character for them after reading The Sum of Them lol x) thank you so SO much for writing cause it's truly exposed so many of my own desires and hidden , sensitive parts of myself that couldn't be excavated any other way without your work 💖

Dude... this is legitimately one of the best comments I've ever gotten. I wish I could memorize all of this and replay it for myself whenever I'm feeling blue. Thank you so so much, it means the world to me! I think all writers insert their own thoughts and emotions into their work, and I definitely do that in all of mine, but especially The Sum of Them. This fic is basically my wishlist of things I would do with a partner, as well as coming to better terms with my own kinks, so I'm glad it's been able to resonate with people. I'm also glad that I managed to keep John and Paul in character, even if John is crying every other paragraph lmao! I totally get what you're saying about wishing I could experience what you did, I wish I could too. Sometimes I reread my fics with the mindset of someone reading it for the first time, but it's just not the same. I'd give my left tit for more writers on my level or higher who wrote bottom!John or even ABDL fics, I swear. I don't read a lot of fics these days, but I'm usually disappointed whenever I check the Beatles tab. I'm also really really bad at remembering titles and author names, so I never remember what fics that I like! Thank God for bookmarks. I definitely understand not wanting to tell people that this is your favorite fic though, lol! I've been writing Beatles fics for a long time, but I created a new account on AO3 when I started writing these fics. I'm comfortable talking about this stuff, but only with the help of an alternate profile. I'm really really happy to help people explore this side of themselves though-- too often fics like mine are just really gross over-the-top and completely unrealistic portrayals in my opinion, and I guess I wanted to bring something sweeter and more realistic to the table. <3

[blackvail22]

i talk here a bunch each day because i have no one else to talk to.

its sad, honestly.

i couldnt go to my counseling appointment, so i wont be able to see her again for another 2 weeks

thats nearly a month since ive seen her

im not doing very well so this isnt good at all lmao

idk how im going to make it another 2 weeks but all i can do is try ...

i think i start work again next week. im afraid of what has changed... probably not a lot. all i know is we have a new manager, and ive heard he's nice

i have a postop appt on tuesday for my tonsillectomy. finally i will have what my disease means explained to meeee. i keep thinking about it, and its been bothering me. i probably wont know if i have another surgery until after my next ct scan (they have to space them out so i dont get exposed to too much radiation and i had one less than a month ago) and idk when that is

im so bored. i have to be the problem

i really think i am

"my friends wont reach out" but when i reach out its super dry and they varely engage. maybe im seeing it in the wrong perspective. maybe my vision is skewed, and im seeing it in the wrong light.

maybe its because theyre busy

maybe at work

going to work

hanging out with other friends

going to hang out with other friends

i want to have a good friend group so bad but i feel like i cant have one

i feel like my only friend was em even though she used me. oh, i dont know if i ever told u the reason why we arent friends anymore

so, i dont have the best memory of the order everything happened, but ill do my best to sort it out

after spending a bunch of time together, we started to fade away. i would ask her if she wanted to spend the night, she would hesitate for a good 30 minutes, talk to her mom, and then say "sure". sometimes she wouldnt wait until we ate dinner (but a good amount of times she did) until shed say "oh i forgot something at home" or "my stomach hurts" and id walk to her house with her (except the times when she'd tell me not to).

when i walked with her, she would always say "ill be right back" and then shed be gone for 10 minutes and her mom would come out and be like "hey... she doesnt feel well so she's going to say home". and each time i would walk home crying. at this point, she was already blowing me off, not talking to me, and overall being rude, but i still went back to her every time.

this rare occasion was in early september of 2017. we only hung out, and then she said she had someone else shes hanging w at her house. she had become friends with people that hated my sister as well as a girl that honestly no one knows. em started to become them... like literally she became a copy of them. the whole group of girls would tell her that my sister is a fat, ugly whore. they fed her all of this, and they would talk and call my sister names and generally talk shit about her

a few days after i heard abt this, i saw things from em that she was having a hard time. i was outside doing yard work, and she was walking by. i said "hey, i hope you feel better" and she yelled "fuck you" at me while, again, giving me the finger.

i dont know what i did, but that was the last time in years that we would talk to each other. we would be "friends" on the bus the few days she went to school sophomore year...

now, though? i dont exist to her. i saw her at my work TWICE this past year, once being on my recent birthday, and she pretended she didnt know me. i look the same as i did before... this most recent time, she was with her boyfriend, one of the friends from '17 and her mom. as i greeted them, everyone looked over except her... her mom even did a double take.

she claims she doesnt know why our friendship went to shit when we were toxic to each other our whole friendship. it was never healthy.

she seems to be happy though, at least happier than me. shes pregnant again. im not sure of the gender, but i think its going to be a boy. she's always wanted to be a mom, so i hope shes a good one.

[seijohsbabe]

Hellloo Can I request where the MSBY boys (Saku, Atsu, Hina,Bo) trains their naive little manager? and now she's their fully fledge cum dumpster and their girl 🥴 like the others thought that she's still innocent by the way she act but the boys knew that you are slut in front of them tysm!!!!!!

a/n: Hell yes! I always wanted to write something about them c: Hope You will like it :)

Pairing: Black Jackals x Reader

Tw: dubcon, anal, overstimulation, cum overload, fivesome, double penetration

Wordcount: 2,6k

You wouldn't take your job as manager of the Black Jackals lightly. The guys could be really exhausting at times, but you still enjoyed watching them, cheering them on, helping them everywhere you could. Four of them seemed to be particularly interested in you, but you didn't think anything special about it, after all, they just want to be nice. Atsumu, who always liked to give you a little tweak in your butt, and was all in all very touchy. Bokuto, who hugged you tightly once a day, while his hand always wandered a little deeper. Hinata, who always picked you up after every game in bridal style and pressed you against him while he was cheering, the hand that held you, was tight on your butt what made you blushing mess. And of course Sakusa. He didn't really like human contact at all, but with you he was somehow different, he liked to talk to you, even sometimes hugging you after a win, but you couldn't see his dirty grin, when he felt your breasts pressing firmly against his chest.

They knew how naive you were and shamelessly took advantage of it to satisfy their craving for you.

But when Bokuto saw you on a free noon with a boy who was pretty close to you, of course he immediately told the others about it and they all agreed they had to make something clear to you.

Sakusa wrote to you late at night. You were a little confused about what Sakusa wanted from you so late.

"Hey y/n-chan, im sorry to bother you at this time but I've left my keys in the lockeroom. Could you maybe come and unlock the door for me?“

You immediately typed that you would be there in 10 minutes, wondering why he didn't just ask the captain. With quick steps you went to the door, where Sakusa was standing alone, and already had you in his sight. "I'm sorry that you had to come here that late.“ He said to you while you tried to unlock the door, but it was already open. With a questioning look, you looked back at Sakusa, who was now standing very close behind you, and pushed you into the lockeroom, and Kick the door shut with his foot.

The lights went on and right in front of you were Atsumu, Hinata and Bokuto, with a big grin. Now you were completely confused. The door was open all the time? And why are the three here? "G-guys? What's going on?", your voice let out your discomfort as you looked back and forth between the four. Atsumu was the first to speak. "Actually you should know why you're here manager-chan." Your question mark in your head got bigger and bigger, just like your eyebrow which got higher and higher. "Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry.“

Sakusa was the next to speak. "Oh yeah you did, but no problem we accept your apology, but we expect a little more than a simple apology." His arms crossed over each other on his chest while he leaned against the wall. "Sure uhm- I'll invite you to an ice cream?" You answered with a questioning undertone, still unsure what you did wrong. "I'm thinking of something better, right?“ Atsumu asked around and everyone nodded.

Now Bokuto came up to you with wide arms to pull you with him and to place you on his lap on a bench while he roamed his hands over your figure and pushed your sweater up, exposing your bra. His hands were warm on the skin, it was comfortable, but the whole thing happened so irrationally. You let it just happen, the hands that you felt on your skin were too pleasant. They were joined by two more on your legs that they spread and put everything that covered you off. It was Hinata's hands that pulled your thighs apart and ran over them once. A voice penetrated your ear. "Ya know, you were a bad manager, we thought you belonged to us. This all."

Bokuto made it clear while he grabbed your tits. "Suddenly I see you with such a stupid schoolboy who probably can't even protect you as we can." His hands were everywhere, one brushed the hair from your face, the other kneaded your chest, which made you wince slightly. As Hinata let his hands get closer and closer to your cunt you had to twitch briefly. "W-what? I don’t know what you mean“, you stuttered while their hands continued to slide over your flesh. The other two men watched with a satisfied smile, lazily touching their cocks trough their sweatpants. "Oh you know what i mean Angel" now he tilted your face and looked deep into your eyes before he pulled you into a lovely kiss. It felt as intimate as a warm summer night. Hinata had meanwhile arrived at your cunt and stretched your lips with two fingers apart to lick between it. It made you moan into the kiss. But Hinata didn’t stop, on the contrary, he became faster and more energetic. You broke away from the kiss to put your head on Bokuto's shoulder and claw your finger in Hinata’s orange hair.

"Mmhm, you like that don't you? Keep going Shoyo, she likes it!"

Bokuto exclaimed. The addressed man lifted his head once to look up and grin. "She tastes so good Bokuto-san!" Shortly afterwards he sank back between your thighs while Bokuto played with your nipples. Your moans could not be held back so you put your hand over your mouth to hide them, but your hand was quickly pulled away. "Let us hear you Princess." Bokuto mumbled. And while the two kept going you noticed how your climax was getting closer and closer, it only needed a little push. This push came when the man behind you now attacked your neck and sucked tight. Your body hunched up, your hands clenched in Hinata's hair.

Atsumu couldn't take his eyes off you during the whole process, caught in your noises and movements. Your breathing had quickened and your senses were slowly coming back. Hinata slowly got up to take off his shirt. Your gaze slid over him. His built wasn’t that bad. Your hands clenched behind you around the neck of Bokuto who now slowly sat you down on the floor.

"I think it's our turn isn't it?" Atsumu now came into it. You totally forgot about him and Sakusa. Bokuto pouted as he had just taken off his boxers and his hard cock bumped against his stomach. Your mouth watered. Now Sakusa was in front of you and blocked your view. What you didn't notice, he was already naked just like Atsumu. This time your gaze wandered down and back up to Sakusa‘s face. He smiled a little bit.

"Come on, be a good girl and get on my cock," said the black-haired now while he sat down on the floor. You nodded lightly and crawled over him. His hand led his penis to your entrance, and slowly rubbed it against your cunt, back and forth.

"Please fill me up Sakusa!" you moanded, too desperate to be filled up.

"You sure?" he answered with a raised brow. You nodded to him, and he sank into you in one motion which let your eyes cramp together and your hands drawn together on his chest. He let out a loud, almost bestial moan. You didn't notice that suddenly behind you was Atsumu until he put a hand on your back and pushed you down to Sakusa.

"I need a place too baby.“ He smiled at your questioning face. But when he slowely rubbed his dick an the same entrance you and Sakusa were connected, you shook your head immediately. "No there's no place for you Ats-"

but he already sank in you right beside Sakusa's cock. He had too groan because of the friction of Atsumu's cock. It burned really bad, it was just too much filled up right now. Just not that there were two in you at the same time, they weren't really that small, which didn't made the whole thing easier. Fortunately, Atsumu gave you a little time to get used to the new feeling until he built a slow pace, while Atsumu’s hand caressed your shoulder blades. "Fuck- so tight." Sakusa hissed while his hands were grabbing on to your hips.

"Oh baby, how long we dreamed about that, to make you out lil 'slut just for us. Well-fuck, we have to learn a lot but your doing great right now." the blonde setter behind you groaned while he picked up the pace and perfectly kissed your cervix every time. Your brain could not process the information, it was too absorbed to notice the two cocks in you. Also Sakusa tried to generate a few thrusts, and your body jolted on instant. Your face was suddenly turned to one side by pulling your hair to see Hinata looking down at you while his cock glistened with pre-cum right in front of your face. "Take it." he only commented while he buried his hand in your hair a little tighter. Your mouth opened to let him in, and he took advantage of it by picking up a quick pace right away. He used your mouth like you were just a doll. You had to spit, and cough while he was totally abusing your throat. Your hand was suddenly put around another penis, which declared itself to be Bokuto, who looked at you with a pout. He probably feels left out. So your hand picked up a pace as best it could and slid up and down his thick length.

Your tongue rolled the length of Hianata‘s cock back and forth over the tip, sometimes having to let out a moan, which made your mouth vibrate. Hinata's head was in his neck and his hand tightened in your hair. "So your pretty mouth can be used for more," groaned Hinata. Your last final lick made him groan, while he spilled is cum in your throat. You had to cough, a little bit spilled out of your mouth, while the other half went down your throat. His hand released your hair, and he sat down, to relax.

Atsumu's thrusts became more and more precise and hard, which brought you closer to your second orgasm. Your hand was still around Bokuto, who had to howl loudly as your hand was getting faster and faster. And when he turned your chin in his direction, his cum went in your face and upper body. It dripped all over your body and Bokuto looked at you with a satisfied grin. But now you felt your climax approaching, especially when Sakusa's hand suddenly came to your breasts.

Your eyes rolled back, your hands clenched in the bicep of Sakusa and with another sharp thrust came another wave of euphoria. Your walls tightened around the two as your strength slowly left your body. As you were about to fall forward, a hand held you around your neck. It was Atsumu who now held you up and pushed himself further into you. Sakusa who thrust into you again came all of a sudden, and fucked his whole load into you. "Fuuuuck- so tight." He hissed while he made sure to fuck all his load in you. Atsumu who felt everything, had to groan as well, while he looked down where you two are connected. Sakusa‘s cum dripped from you onto his cock. However, everything was getting too much for you, you howled softly, you were too sensitive at the moment after two orgasms. "Dont worry, I hurry up." Atsumu groaned, and in fact after the next thrust he came into you too. Both now pulled out, and the two loads of cum just dripped out of you. The sudden emptiness let you groan. Your body was gently passed on, but you didn't notice that, your senses were blown away.

Bokuto was suddenly in front of you and looked at you with a shimmering and excited face. You only now noticed that you were on his lap, his length lying tense against you. How could he have had so much stamina?

He picked you up by your waist to lower you on top of his member. Your hands automatically slid to his shoulders to give you a little strength. He had to groan, "Fuck you are still so tight even though you only had two cocks in you." He groaned while his hands cramped on your hips. "I want her too Bokuto-san" Hinata pouted behind you, his length in his hand. "Take her Ass." Bokuto only commented. Your thoughts said you should say something about it but nothing came out of your mouth. And then his tip was already on the tight muscle ring, and penetrated without any preparation. It made you howl. "Shhh, baby come on be a good girl, alright." Bokuto whispered softly in your ear while his hand ran soothingly over your back. But it got tighter as Hinata pushed further and further, until you noticed that he was completely inside. It was an uncomfortable but kinda satisfying feeling, even if you had already two orgasms behind you. Now Bokuto raised you again to get you on the two cocks up and down. At the beginning slower, but after he saw your face to make sure your okay he was going faster. When Hinata‘s hand clapped on your ass cheek you had to groan loudly, out of nowhere you were completely horny again.

"Your doing Great." Bokuto groaned, he sank in and out of you, while his tip kissed your point perfect. His balls slapped against your skin, and Hinata groaned behind you while he held your butt open to see where you two are connected. ,,She‘s so perfect, our little manager.“ he moaned, while he thrusted into you. You were a moaning mess, full of cum and no strength in you anymore. It was humiliating and you never imagined that, this would ever happen.

His pace became faster and more hectic, so that you couldn't hold out for long until you reached the climax for the third time and just let yourself go. It was liberating to finally untie the knot. Your walls cramped around the two, you kind of sucked them into you. Bokuto seemed to be getting too much and load his cum into your cunt. His hips stuttered, while his hands were still on your hips. you would very likely have red marks tomorrow. Now only Hinata was left who did not wait long and came on your ass and back. You felt dirty, used, you just wanted to wash yourself and lie in your bed, but what you didn't know, this was not the last round, because Atsumu came up to you again with a big grin. The night went on for a few more laps, they persuaded you to be hers, their own little cum garbage to discharge. Until you couldn't say anything, not even your own name. Now after a week, they had you perfectly under their control, their own little manager slut. They knew what you wanted to do every time you accidentally let something fall and tried to pick it up from the floor and your skirt slipped up higher than necessary, how you accidentally brushed them across their crouch when you walked past them. You became her own little slut, and whether you would ever get out of there remains to be doubted.

[lunarimagines]

MOBILE MASTERLIST

I have received many requests to update my masterlist, so here it is! As of October 18, 2020...

-----

~ = TRIGGER WARNING

* = SEXUAL CONTENT

[REDBUBBLE]

-----

Kpop

+ EXO

YOU’RE THE NEW GIRL WITH A ‘BAD GIRL’ IMAGE [VERSION 1] [VERSION 2]

THEY’RE IN THE MOOD, BUT YOU’RE ON YOUR PERIOD

THEIR GIRLFRIEND IS ANEMIC  

PLAYING WITH THEIR GIRLFRIEND’S LONG HAIR

MAKING BREAKFAST WITH YOU

JONGIN REACTION TO HIS GIRLFRIEND ALWAYS ASKING PERMISSION BEFORE INITIATING SKIN SHIP

WHAT DATING JONGIN WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING SEHUN WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING TAO WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING LUHAN WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT BEING SCHOOLMATES WITH KAI WOULD BE LIKE

LATE NIGHT LUHAN FLUFF BLURB

BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH EXO (OT12)

WOLF!CHEN

*ONLY I CAN (KYUNGSOO SMUT)

*HOW YIXING WOULD BE IN BED

*SEX WITH BAEKHYUN

WHAT DATING BAEKHYUN WOULD BE LIKE

*WHAT SEX WITH KRIS WOULD BE LIKE

*I HAVE NO REASON TO BE JEALOUS (SEHUN SMUT)

*WHAT SEX WITH JONGIN WOULD BE LIKE

WHEN YOU CONFESS TO KAI

WHEN THE MANAGERS SUGGEST HE BREAK UP WITH YOU 

*SEX WITH CHEN

*SEX WITH KYUNGSOO

*SEX WITH LUHAN

*SEX WITH SEHUN

WOLF!KAI

*SEX WITH CHANYEOL

*SEX WITH SUHO

DATING CHANYEOL

*SEX WITH TAO

*SEX WITH XIUMIN

DATING KYUNGSOO

BEING SCHOOLMATES WITH CHANYEOL

YOU HAVE BENIGN ESSENTIAL TREMOR

WOLF!BAEKHYUN

THEY FIND OUT THEY’RE DOING A ROMANTIC BALLAD WITH YOU (THEIR CRUSH)

FLUFFY XIUMIN ONE SHOT 

~YOU’RE SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT 

CUDDLING WITH SUHO AND ACCIDENTALLY WAKING HIM UP

~YOUR SELF HARM COPING NOTEBOOK

YOU’RE DATING IN SECRET AND HE KISSES YOU (UNKNOWINGLY) IN FRONT OF CAMERAS 

JEALOUS!JONGIN

MARRIED LIFE WITH CHANYEOL

CUDDLING WITH KRIS AND SEHUN

*TOUCH IT [JONGDAE SMUT]

DATING KRIS [WU YIFAN]

HUSBAND!JONGIN

SECRETADMIRER!JONGIN

CUDDLING WITH EXO

THEIR GF HAD ADD

WHAT DATING JONGDAE WOULD BE LIKE

GROWING UP WITH JONGIN

YOUR CHILD CALLS HIM DAD

YOU THINK THEY ARE CHEATING

EXO REACTION TO SEEING YOU AGAIN AFTER YOU TWO BROKE UP

WHAT DATING TAO WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING SUHO WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING LAY WOULD BE LIKE

YOU FAINT IN HIS ARMS [CHANYEOL ANGST]

MARRIED LIFE WITH LUHAN

THE OVERLOOK [BAD!BOY CHANYEOL]

A-Z NSFW

[JONGDAE]

TEXTING

[JONGDAE]

+  BTS

YOU TELLING THEM ‘I LOVE YOU’

S/O TRIPPING OVER NOTHING

TYPE OF TUMBLR BLOG BTS WOULD HAVE

HEARING YOU SPEAK YOUR MOTHER LANGUAGE

LOSING SOMETHING OF THEIRS WHILE IN THE CAR

DANCING AND ACCIDENTALLY BREAKING THE T.V.

WATCHING A MOVIE WITH THE OTHER MEMBERS WHEN A SEXUAL SCENE COMES ON

WAKING YOU UP IN THE MORNING

~ FINDING SELF HARM SCARS ON YOUR BODY

MOVIE NIGHT WITH JUNGKOOK

WHAT DATING RM WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING JUNGKOOK WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING TAEHYUNG WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING YOONGI WOULD BE LIKE

BEING SCHOOLMATES WITH SUGA

* VISITING NAMJOON AT THE STUDIO

BEING BEST FRIENDS (OT7)

YOU’RE AFRAID OF DOGS

YOU WATCH THEIR EVERY MOVE AT DANCE PRACTICE

YOU HATE WHEN PEOPLE TAKE PICTURES OF YOU

YOU’RE REALLY AFRAID OF BUGS

*SEX WITH JIMIN

*SEX WITH TAEHYUNG

*SEX WITH YOONGI

*SEX WITH NAMJOON

*SEX WITH JUNGKOOK

*SEX WITH JIN

*SEX WITH J-HOPE

*DO YOU WANT ME TO TEACH YOU (JIMIN SMUT)

*WATCH ME BABYGIRL [JUNGKOOK SERIES - COMPLETE] [1] [2] [3] [4] [vmin filler] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20]

WHEN I HAD YOU [JIMIN ANGST/FLUFF]

BAKING WITH JUNGKOOK

*THEIR S/O GIVING THEM A SHOW

*THIGH RIDING YOONGI

*WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY [NAMJOON SUGAR DADDY SMUT]

THEIR CRUSH/BEST FRIEND IS AFFECTIONATE WHEN SICK

~THEIR TEENAGE CHILD GETS IN THEIR FIRST CAR ACCIDENT

~THEY HAVE A DREAM WHERE YOU DIE

*I HATE YOU. I LOVE YOU? [JIMIN ENEMIES-TO-LOVERS SMUT]

*PHONE SEX WITH NAMJOON

THEIR S/O IS CATCALLED 

BRINGING THEIR AMERICAN S/O TO MEET THEIR PARENTS

DATING NAMJOON BUT BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH BTS

THEIR S/O TAKES THEM TO A HAUNTED HOUSE

BEING FRIENDS WITH JUNGKOOK AND YUGYEOM 

DANCING QUEEN [HOSEOK FLUFF]

*REACTION TO YOU SAYING “TAKE ME”

BTS THINKING THEIR S/O IS CHEATING

THEIR S/O IS A PICKY EATER

*BTS REACTION TO YOU GIVING THEM A SHOW

*YOONGI FWB

BTS REACTION TO YOU SITTING ON THEIR LAP…

~IF YOU’D LET ME [JIMIN ANGST]

YOU CUDDLING THEM IN YOUR SLEEP AND SAYING “I LOVE YOU”

*YOU’RE ON

THEIR S/O GETS A LIP PIERCING

DATING YOONGI BUT BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH BTS 

*YOU “FLEXING YOUR MUSCLES” 

IF SOMEBODY HAD TOLD YOU… [JUNGKOOK FLUFF]

*I WAS KIND OF HOPING THIS COULD BE YOUR PRESENT [JUNGKOOK SMUT]

BTS REACTION TO THEIR GF BRINGING THEM LUNCH

THEIR GF IS SIMILAR TO HOBI AND HAPPENS TO BE CLOSE TO HOBI

*FACE DOWN [YOONGI SMUT]

THEIR CRUSH IS DOTING/MOTHERLY

*YOU MOAN THEIR NAME DURING SEX

*YOU WANT SEX WHILE THEY’RE WORKING

*PHONE SEX WITH YOONGI

*REVERSING ROLES [YOONGI SMUT]

JEALOUS!YOONGI

BTS REACTION TO YOU HIDING YOUR SMILE WHEN YOU LAUGH

EYE ON THE TARGET (JUNGKOOK) [1] [2]

SEOKJIN AS YOUR SUGAR DADDY

BTS REACTION TO THEIR S/O CUPPING THEIR FACE AND KISSING THEM

~BTS REACTION TO THEIR FRIEND NOT BEING COMFORTABLE WITH THEIR BODY SIZE

TEXTING

[JIN] [JIMIN] [TAEHYUNG] [SUGA] [J HOPE] [RAP MONSTER] [JUNGKOOK] BESTFRIEND!JUNGKOOK HIGHSCHOOL!BTS FUCKBOY!YOONGI

SNAPS

[TAEHYUNG]

A-Z NSFW

[JUNGKOOK] [YOONGI]

+ ATEEZ

CONDITIONALLY YOURS (Seonghwa) [1]

ATEEZ REACTION TO ANOTHER MEMBER WALKING IN ON THE TWO OF YOU MAKING OUT [1] [2]

ATEEZ REACTION TO BEING JEALOUS OF ANOTHER MEMBER GETTING CLOSE TO THEIR S/O

+ INFINITE

YOU TALK ABOUT SEX

+ BOYFRIEND

THEY ALL LOVE THE SAME GIRL

ACCEPTING AN AWARD YOU

YOU THREATENING TO FIGHT THE CEO IF THEY DON’T GET A COMEBACK

VALENTINES DAY WITH KWANGMIN

*SEX WITH DONGHYUN

+ MISS A

GOING INTO TOWN WITH YOU

+ MONSTA X

THEY ACCIDENTALLY HUG YOUR SISTER INSTEAD OF YOU

*SEX WITH MINHYUK

SINGING A BALLAD WITH THEIR CRUSH

MARRIED LIFE WITH SHOWNU

REACTION TO THEIR GF AND ANOTHER MEMBER…

BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH MONSTA X 

THEIR GF IS OLDER THAN THEM

ANNOYING THEIR MEMBERS BY SHOWING PDA WITH THEIR S/O

THEIR GF GIVES THEM A MASSAGE FOR THE FIRST TIME

*RETURN THE FAVOR [KIHYUN SMUT]

DATING IN SECRET WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY KISSES YOU IN FRONT OF CAMERAS

*YOU SAY THEY HAVE A SMALL DICK DURING A FIGHT

WHAT DATING IM WOULD BE LIKE

TELLING HIM YOU’RE A VIRGIN BEFORE THE TWO OF YOU HAVE SEX

*HE WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE IF YOU HADN’T... [KIHYUN SMUT]

YOU HUG THEM FROM BEHIND AND ACCIDENTALLY GRAB THEIR CROTCH

MARRIED LIFE WITH JOOHEON

*SEX WITH IM

MARRIED LIFE WITH IM

*SEX WITH HYUNGWON

*SEX WITH KIHYUN

*SEX WITH JOOHEON

*SEX WITH SHOWNU

*SEX WITH WONHO

MONSTA X REACTION TO THEIR S/O HAVING AN ASTHMA ATTACK

*THIGH RIDING MONSTA X

+ GOT7

*SEX WITH JACKSON

*SEX WITH JUNIOR

*SEX WITH MARK

*SEX WITH JAEBUM

YOU WEAR THEIR SWEATER, YELL “KISS ME”, THEN RUN AWAY

*SEX WITH YUGYEOM 

LIVING WITH BESTFRIEND!JACKSON

THEIR GF HAS SWEATER PAWS

GOT7 AS FATHERS 

BEING FRIENDS WITH JUNGKOOK AND YUGYEOM 

*THEIR GF KNOWS HOW TO DEEPTHROAT

YUGYEOM DATING AN OLDER WOMAN

YOU’RE DATING MARK AND THE OTHER MEMBERS ARE JEALOUS

*SINCERELY, YOUR NEW FWB [YUGYEOM SMUT]

*REACTION TO THEIR GF WANTING TO BE SPANKED

JACKSON HAVING A CRUSH ON YOU

*I DIDN’T HAVE TIME FOR “CLASSY” [JAEBUM SMUT]

*SEX WITH YOUNGJAE

YOU’RE SICK BUT DON’T WANT TO WORRY THEM SO YOU KEEP IT A SECRET

DATING JAEBUM AND BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH GOT7

BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH GOT7

TELLING HIM YOU’RE A VIRGIN BEFORE THE TWO OF YOU HAVE SEX

*SEX WITH BAMBAM

TEXTS

BESTFRIEND!JACKSON

SNAPS

[JINYOUNG]

+ C-CLOWN (DISBANDED)

*SEX WITH ROME

DATING CHRISTIAN YU [ROME]

+RED VELVET

YOU CALL THEM YOUR BEST FRIEND

*AN OVERWHELMING FEELING [IRENE SMUT]

+ INFINITE 

*SEX WITH MYUNGSOO

TELLING HIM YOU’RE A VIRGIN BEFORE THE TWO OF YOU HAVE SEX

+ IKON

*SEX WITH HANBIN

*SEX WITH DONGHYUK

“I DIDN’T LOVE YOU” [DONGHYUK FLUFF]

*SEX WITH JUNHOE 

*SEX WITH BOBBY

+ NCT

SOULMATE!MARK

WHAT DATING LUCAS WOULD BE LIKE

STUDY DATE WITH JUNGWOO

NCT 127 + JENO REACTION TO THEIR S/O BEING 160CM

EXCUSES, EXCUSES [HAECHAN FLUFF]

NCT DREAM REACTION TO THEIR GF BEING 165-170CM TALL

~NCT DREAM REACTION TO THEIR GF BECOMING DEPRESSED BECAUSE HER PARENTS ARE GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE

TEN TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION

WHAT DATING MARK WOULD BE LIKE

DATING TAEYONG

DATING JOHNNY (NCT)

FAKE TEXTS

BESTFRIEND -> BOYFRIEND MARK

WISHING MARK A HAPPY BIRTHDAY

[DONGHYUCK]

TWO WRONGS MAKE… A COUPLE? [Prince!Renjun] [1] [2]

+ F(X)

THEIR S/O HAS FIBROMYALGIA 

*SEX WITH AMBER

+ BLACKPINK

BARISTA!ROSÉ

WHAT DATING LISA WOULD BE LIKE

YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ROSÉ

+ BLOCK B

*SEX WITH PARK KYUNG

+ DAY6

*TENDER LOVE AND AFTERCARE [BRIAN/YOUNG K SMUT]

DATING DOWOON

+ PENTAGON

WHAT DATING WOOSEOK WOULD BE LIKE

+ SHINee [NO LONGER WRITING FOR]

BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH MINHO

LIVING WITH BESTFRIEND!KIBUM

SECRETLY DATING WHEN THEY ACCIDENTALLY KISS YOU IN FRONT OF CAMERAS 

SINGING A ROMANTIC BALLAD WITH THEIR CRUSH

THEY HAVE A CRUSH ON THE SAME IDOL

BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH SHINee

THEIR REACTION TO YOU CRYING

BEING SCHOOLMATES WITH TAEMIN

GROWING UP WITH TAEMIN

YOUR CHILD CALLS HIM DAD

+ TWICE

*WHAT DATING JIHYO WOULD BE LIKE

FIRST KISSES WITH TWICE

STUCK IN TRAFFIC WITH TWICE

*SEX WITH MINA (TWICE)

+ GIRLS GENERATION [SNSD]

DATING TIFFANY

THEY FIND A GUY NAKED BY ACCIDENT

THEY FIND TAENY KISSING ROMANTICALLY

SOMEONE FLIRTS WITH THEIR SECRET GIRLFRIEND

THEIR BEST FRIEND IS HEARTBROKEN OVER A BOY

+ MAMAMOO

THEY ARE JEALOUS 

AND THEN… [MOONBYUL SMUT] [2]

+ SEVENTEEN

YOU’RE A TRAINEE UNDER PLEDIS

SUCK IT UP [JUN ANGST/FLUFF]

“IT’S TIME” [CHAN FLUFF]

*SEX WITH MINGYU

+ VIXX

THEIR GF HAS WAVY/CURLY HAIR

TELLING THEM YOU’RE A VIRGIN BEFORE THE TWO OF YOU HAVE SEX

+ ASTRO 

REACTION TO YOU SQUISHING THEIR CHEEKS

SNAPS

SANHA X CUTE

+ 2NE1

YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON CL

+ SISTAR

BEING YOUR BEST FRIEND IN SCHOOL

+ X1

GOING THROUGH A HAUNTED HOUSE WITH BF!HANGYUL

T.V. SERIES:

TWD

TELLING CARL YOU LOVE HIM

TEEN WOLF

SCOTT MCCALL

UNDERCOVER IDIOTS [PART 1] [PART 2] [PART 3]

DEREK HALE 

INDISCREET JEALOUSY

COME ON CINDERELLA

*SOLID ALIBI

I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS

DON’T DRINK THE ORANGE JUICE

THE MURDER OF THE BETRAYER [PART 1] [PART 2]

ISAAC LAHEY

I HAPPEN TO LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU

I’LL TAKE THAT CHANCE

STILES STILINSKI 

VALENTINE’S DAY

PRANK WAR

TVD

DAMAN SALVATORE

VICTORIAN ERA ROMANCE

~FINDING OUT ABOUT YOUR ANOREXIA

SUPERNATURAL

DEAN 

HUNTING HAS ITS PERKS

PROPOSING TO YOU

BLUSH

BANDS:

5SOS

BLURBS:

ASHTON IRWIN 

FRATBOY! ASHTON

CALUM HOOD 

ROUND TWO

MICHAEL CLIFFORD 

LATE NIGHT

BIRTHDAY AU MEME (AKA MY VERY FIRST IMAGINE EVER ON THIS BLOG)

LUKE HEMMINGS 

WHAT DATING LUKE WOULD BE LIKE

IMAGINES:

CALUM HOOD 

*SAVING WATER

4/4

HE FINDS OUT YOU’RE REALLY TICKLISH

1D

HARRY STYLES 

I’LL BE THOR

MOVIES:

THE OUTSIDERS

SODAPOP

~SODAPOP FINDING OUT ABOUT YOUR DEPRESSION

THE AVENGERS

THOR

BEING ABLE TO LIFT THOR’S HAMMER

YOUTUBE

BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH DAN AND PHIL

[castintothepod]

This is something they both Know. This is something they both take in account. Something they're both sacred of.

Doesn't mean the time they've spent together on the Carte Blanche hasn't curated the bond they have even further, but I think they don't really need to tell each other they love one another. Not for now at least, not publicly. Just. Not yet. It's technically no secret either, if it ever came to them Saying It, it wouldn't be a shocker to anyone. It's clear as day those two have some deeprooted affection for each other.

But love? Love is scary. Love is wonderful and full of bliss and butterflies and fuzzy feelings. It's one of the easiest feelings out there, but at the same time one of the more complex ones. Can break as quickly as it's built. Can hurt and haunt you if given to the wrong person. Genuine love is given freely, but at what cost? Neither wants the other to be the wrong person. Doesn't even want himself to be the wrong person. Just remember how reluctant Juno was in s2 (aside for his general bad headspace).

Don't think Peter falls easily either. Maybe he does, but I do think there's something extremely and enticing about Juno that made him come with the confession so early on. Was he in in love? It's hard to tell, but whatever ge tried to convey, im sure it eas genuine. Something about Juno draws him in and makes him feel thrilled and safe all the same. Juno also clealry feels at home with him, too, albeit messy to try to decipher for himself earlier on. Personal growth and working closer together of course helped and the lady is far more at ease now with the concept of letting himself be loved and loving someone in return.

Both are scared of falling in love, but not scared of something new between the two of them. What they've accomplished and blossomed being together on the Carte Blanche is special. It's new and fresh and experimental. Somehow it feels safer than ever, despite the high stakes at play. Anything can face them and they'd get back to each other, one way or another.

Juno's love for Diamond was hopeful, gentle, a light admits the pain. Someone he could belong to without feeling like an object or a tool, but rather just an equal. I do think Mck's reference to his poor choice of lovers/men was a later phase, a self destructive route he followed after whatever truly went down with Diamond and the HCPD. Ms. Glitter was most likely Juno's first love, and that is always something special, something that always sticks with you. And it can really fuck you up too. It seemed she loved him all the same, she seemed like someone that was genuinley good for Juno, someone that saw him for who he was and where he was in his life. Well, all up until that Something of a mystery event happened.

As of now we don't really know who/what Peter's first love was, but bet that also shaped him a lot, made him shy away from the concept as he does. In a way, I do think he and Juno both feel very similarly about deserving love and to be loved. But it's something he's working on, something they've both been trying to mend and heal from. It's not easy, it's not a easy, linear path but there's so much love in that man. And as of now we can't really tell for certian what he's thinking around the whole deal as a whole. One thing I'm very, goddamn die-on-this-hill-certian of is that he isn't out to hurt Juno or anyone else rhat he's learned to love. Whatever the motive it's not intended to ruin what he just managed to establish and build. It just doesn't seem like it lies in his cards.

[diavolosthots]

Hi, hope this comes out right, been looking forward to making a request. So, I was hoping for hurt and comfort scenario where a reader is oddly reminded of their families passing, and is obviously not good at pretending they're fine and Lucifer or Satan calls their bluff, and offers mc a shoulder to cry on. Sorry for the weird ask, it's been rough.

Hey babes im so sorry it took so long for me to get this. Wherever you are, if you're still around, I hope you're doing okay ❤

Warning: mentions of death

A Good Book (SATAN X GN!READER)

The Devildom was so pretty, or at least, it was to you. The endless night sky that never once seemed to falter, filled with millions of stars that you didn’t recognize, filled you with a sense of comfort. Odd flowers native to the area brought curiosity to your mind, and even the animals that some might deem as creepy gave you a feeling of joy. The Devildom, although meant for sinners only, was beautiful, and maybe, just maybe, you would prefer it over heaven. Diavolo does well in keeping it up right and of course, even with most of its citizens being demons, the general public does a great job at helping out with that. If someone had told you that hell would be like this, you may have called them crazy, but maybe they just want you to think it’s bad because it’s, well, hell. You’re not supposed to enjoy it, after all. 

Truthfully, under different circumstances, you may not have enjoyed it as much, but the darkness and change of scenery actually gave you time to forget about things going on in your regular life, and the friendships you have formed along the way also allowed you to think of new things, different things. A smile crept across your face as you recalled the many shenanigans that you and the brothers have come up with over the past few months and your heart ached at the thought of you potentially having to leave this place. “I love it here….” it was spoken more so to yourself, but it held power outside of yourself. You did love it here and you loved everyone you meet here. Still, today you couldn’t shake off the feeling of sadness. Everything reminded you of them and it took everything inside you to hold it together for the rest of your day at RAD, up until the point where you would be back at the House of Lamentation, at which point you would allow yourself to break down. 

And you did! You made it all the way to the house, but right as you were about to enter through the door, a yellow butterfly flew past you. “Butterfly…” which caused you to break down immediately. Thankfully, the brothers were nowhere near you at the moment and you managed to run up the stairs and into your room, where you threw yourself on your bed and cried. A stupid butterfly just had to come and ruin it, didn’t it? Where did it even come from? You didn’t know. Did the Devildom even have butterflies? You’ve never seen one before… it made you sad. It reminded you on that day where they passed and you hated how every time you saw a butterfly, it brought back that memory. Butterflies…. “Little Angels..” is what they used to call them although you found it hard to believe. 

“(Y/N)? Are you in there? I took your potions book by accident.” Satan. You wanted to tell him to just go away but you didn’t actually have a reason for him to leave. If you yelled at him to go away, he’d be worried and confused and maybe even slightly agitated, wondering what he had done. If you didn’t say anything, there’s a chance he’d open the door anyway just to leave the book in your room. There was no way out so you quickly wiped whatever is left of the tears and looked at yourself in the reflection of your phone, smiling softly before clearing your throat before calling out to him. “Yeah I’m here. Just place it on the dresser.” Maybe if you opened your phone and pretended to scroll through Devilgram, it wouldn’t be so bad… or so obvious. The door opened and Satan walked in, smiling softly at you as he held up the book, “My bad… I thought I took mine but when I checked my bag, I had two, so I figured this one is yours.” The smile you had put on while looking at yourself was still on and you nodded at him, “it happens… no big deal.” And you hoped that, with those words, he would leave again.

“What are you doing?” Of course not. As a matter of fact, he shut the door and walked into your room and your body screamed to just run. You can’t sit up now, can you? Your throat is suddenly feeling tight and you forced yourself to sit up, showing him your phone and how you were just scrolling through Devilgram. “Just…. A bit of social media.” “You sound sad.” Okay, way to go being blunt Satan. His statement caught you off guard and you kind of looked at him dumbfounded for a moment. Had he figured it out already? By just looking at you? That’s impossible, “what?” You laughed. It sounded hollow but you laughed, “don’t be ridiculous! I’m just… tired. RAD has been kicking my ass.” He looked at you like you were just…. Dumb. Like you took him for a fool. “Lies. I know a liar when I see one. What’s wrong?” 

Something about being caught just made you feel anxious. It made you stiffen and blink a few too many times and your lip is quivering again and your hand is shaking, you can feel it, and if you don’t pause and look away you’ll cry again and…. “Hey… what’s wrong?” The second time he asks, you actually cry. You can feel the tears roll down your cheeks and your vision is becoming blurry. Your hands move up to your face to hide as you sobbed, shaking your head and silently praying that he would just leave. Satan, however, didn’t. He was confused, for sure, and part of him was scared that he had indirectly done something to you that made you so emotional in his presence. “(Y/N)... talk to me…” He reached a hand out, carefully, to place on your back, rubbing over it. “I-I….” but you couldn’t even get a word out. His touch was strangely comforting and you quickly leaned into it, throwing yourself at him until your arms wrapped around his waist and his own were forced to wrap around yours too. 

“(Y/N)....” “I…. they’re dead… I’ll never see them again….. I still can’t believe it…” He’s confused on who you mean but right now it also feels like a sin to interrupt your talking so he stays silent, just rubbing over your back instead and pulling you closer against him. “They died… shortly before I came here… and… I didn’t…. I didn’t get to say goodbye, not really….” Your tears and hurt are silently breaking his heart and he wishes he could actually take it away from you; you don’t deserve this. “A-and… I hoped… the Devildom would… would take my mind off it…” you are sobbing harder now, moving your hands underneath his jacket and clinging to the back of his sweater, “b-but then I…. I saw that stupid butterfly….. And I couldn’t…” It’s all because of a stupid butterfly. You really did blame everything on it. 

Satan’s lips attached to your head gently while one of his arms moved up to push your head further into his chest, his fingers raking through your hair tenderly as he did so. “Sshh…” He won’t tell you it’s okay. He knows it’s not. He also knows better than to attempt and make it okay. There’s not much he can say or do here, but he will try anyway, because somewhere in his mind, he felt similar when Lucifer lost Lilith. “I won’t tell you it’ll be okay… although I hope for you it will be… but, a good book once said that butterflies are little helpers from G… the man upstairs,” Sorry (Y/N), he can’t bring himself to say that name, “and if you whisper a wish to it, it will go up to heaven and ask for it to come true.” Obviously he doesn’t believe that, but there is a sense of comfort coming from that saying, even for him.

You sniffled, trying to calm yourself enough to listen to him. It made sense. Somewhere in your mind, it made sense. You nodded, still crying but you wanted him to know that you were listening, “thank you…” but please don’t let go. You didn’t add the last part, but seeing as he didn’t let go, you take it as him understanding that you need a little more time. Satan was warm and oddly comforting, and you wanted to just be held by him for a little bit longer, to get lost in him a little bit more, 

Like a good book. 

[kero-verdade]

ohhh about cyber security, do you have any tips? something recently happened that someone hacked my freaking soundcloud that i didnt even remember existed. it was like 10 yrs old.. and i was so freaked out someone hacked it. i just ended up deleting it. i still have the same email and im not sure if i should make a new one. i honestly dont remember what my pw was but my email was in a few data breaches (myfitnesspal, some math app, chegg) like i had really bad luck but i just changed my pw and moved on but idk if i should be doing more? things like that creep me out cus im very private but i also dont use a password manager cus somehow i feel like i would be even more vulnerable :/ its so weird the idea of giving an application the job to store passwords for you idk if u could educate me

For sure! Big ol rant under the cut. And if you have any questions or if I missed anything, pls let me know :D

With your email, you don't necessarily need to make a new one! Depending on what email domain you're using, you have lots of security options.

For starters, definitely change your email password whenever you're notified that it's been in a breach. And in general, it's a good practice to not repeat the same password between different websites - that way if one of your accounts ever gets hacked, the same hacker can't use that username/password to hack into all your other accounts on other websites too. TBH this is something I'm bad about because having the same password across websites is so much easier to remember, but ultimately it's the safer thing to do!

Most websites use single sign-on now where you only need your existing Google/Facebook/etc account to log in, so in that case having different passwords across websites wouldn't apply. But if you do remember any websites where you needed to create a new account, try resetting their passwords just to see if you can! I recently dug up my 14-year-old Roblox account for just this reason lmao. And if you have time, also try to delete accounts on websites that you're no longer using. But I wouldn't stress over it too much, since that's a lot of ground to cover. I don't know if SoundCloud notified you of the hack or if you found out on your own, but the important part is you were made aware of it and were able to deal with it.

Next, check if you can turn on two-factor authentication for your email account (and any other important account - bank accounts, etc). The most common kind is when you get a code sent to your phone that you have to verify before you log in, but there's lots of different kinds. That way, even if someone gets hold of your email credentials, they won't necessarily be able to log in. Gmail in particular is VERY good about this, and Outlook has good options too.

This is optional, but if you want to take an EXTRA security step, you could even try having multiple emails. For me, I have a primary email that I use for work/school/professional stuff, and another old email that I only use to sign up for websites/mailing lists/spammy stuff. So even if my second email got hacked or leaked, it would suck a LOT, but it wouldn't be the end of the world since all of my important stuff is in a different place. But ofc checking multiple inboxes can get annoying too, so it's really whatever you prefer.

As for password managers, that's really your own preference as well. I personally don't use one because I prefer to write down my passwords in a safe place, and that works out fine for me. I also have friends who swear by password managers, reputable password managers are very secure if you use them properly. I personally DON'T recommend using password managers on phones/tablets/any device that can be easily lost or stolen, but they can definitely come in handy on a PC or similar. There's no wrong answer, so just do whatever makes you more comfortable!

If you read all of that congratulations, I hope this was at least a bit helpful!

And since we're on the topic, one more thing I gotta ramble about rq:

Be careful with your biometric data! Things like FaceID and fingerprint are SUPER convenient for unlocking your devices without needing to remember a bunch of passwords, but the laws around them are still developing. Depending on what country/state you're in, existing privacy laws usually haven't caught up with technology, and that information about you may not have the same legal protections as regular passwords. This really only matters if your phone gets seized by police or something super crazy like that, but I think it's good to be aware of since biometric logins are becoming so much more common.

[shysneeze]

good enough (draco malfoy x fem!reader)

Good Enough

Draco Malfoy x fem!Slytherin!Reader 

*based loosley on the song ‘line without a hook’ by ricky montgomery*  

Request: can I ask for Draco x reader where the reader is sassy, but also kind Slytherin (like one of the kind Slytherin)?? And Draco has a huge crush on her? Super fluffy? ~ @lennylangdraws 

Warnings: low self-esteem, angst, smidge of house stereotyping, i don’t know the meaning of fluff im so sorry 

Authors note: you asked for fluff and I have no excuses for how this turned out except this song has been stuck in my head for weeks now. I hope you like it anyway despite the angst... i tried to make it fluffy make up at the end?

Also, I’m not saying this is a prequel to vulnerable love, but it kinda fits... pretty sure it makes vulnerable love hurt more though.)

.

Draco wasn’t sure it was possible to want back what he’s never had.

He never knew being stuck in the awkward phase of being an ‘almost couple’ is something he could miss, that he’d ever long to feel the heat that would creep up his cheeks when their eyes met, to feel the nauseating butterflies flap in his stomach when she smiled at him or the jolt of nervous energy that would rip through him whenever their fingers accidentally grazed each other’s under tables or in corridors.

Yet now that those little things are beyond his grasp, he’s desperate for them again, desperate for her. It might be easier to miss her if she were gone, rather than just sitting at the other end of the Slytherin table, or across the room during classes, it would be easier not to see her, the constant reminder of what he’s allowed him self to ruin.

They weren’t supposed to get along, every conflicting personality trait dooming them to a life as enemies. Everyone knows her, the ‘nice’ Slytherin. It’s a title given to her by her classmates, the too-cocky Gryffindors who can’t see past Slytherin’s bad reputation as bullies and snobs, a bad-reputation fuelled by Draco Malfoy himself.

No one could have expected them to end up the way they did, dates in Hogsmeade or hushed conversations by the common room fire in the early hours of the morning and afternoons spent by the lake. No one could have expected them to get along so well.

Draco knows that everyone has expected this though, for them to fall apart before they’ve even had the chance to begin. It’s what they’ve expected of him all along after all, to break her heart.

He’s pretty sure he hasn’t got the right to be looking for her like this, seeking her out desperately to get her back, once again deluded into believing he ever had her in the first place. He’s the one who called it off in a moment of certainty that it was the right thing to do, a selfless act. And so it’s wrong for him to be here right now, back in their secret spot.

She’s exactly where he assumed she would be, curled beneath the tree she was always affectionately calling theirs. His entire body tenses painfully at the sight of her, face hidden in her palms and body shaking, not from the cold, but from the trembling of barely silenced sobs.

He wonders if it’s his racing heart that she can hear that alerts her to his presence and has her looking up from her hands, teary eyes meeting his in surprise. Then, she pulls her brows into a well-justified scowl and a lump forms in Draco’s throat that he can’t seem to swallow.

“What are you doing here?”

An incredibly valid question for which Draco can only provide selfish answers. It seems silly to tell her that he’s hear to win her back, and futile given her growing anger. Yet he won’t be able to live with himself if he doesn’t, miserable without her.

“I miss you.” He gulps honestly. “Truthfully, I’ve been a mess without you.”

“Merlin, Draco.” She gasps out a laugh of disbelief. “Maybe you should have thought of that before you started ignoring me. Frankly, that isn’t really my issue.”

“I know.” He sighs apologetically. “I know, I didn’t mean-“

“Just get it over with, Draco.” She rolls her eyes. “Say your piece and leave me alone.”

He nods, taking hesitant steps forward towards her, the frost coated grass crunching under foot. She avoids his eyes as he takes a seat beside her, staring determinedly at her lap and making a conscious attempt to hide the quickly accumulating tears.

“Aren’t you cold?”

She lets out a loud exasperated sigh and refuses him an answer. He agrees with the sentiment of it, regretted the stupidity of it the minute it left his lips. Still, he leans forward to pull the Slytherin scarf from his neck and twists himself to allow him to wrap it loosely around hers, fussing with it until he’s reassured that she’ll be warmer for it.

“You looked cold.”

“Tis’ the season.” She mumbles sarcastically.

Her sarcasm is another thing he’s missed from her, and it draws a momentary smile to his face. Then, the moment is over, and his eyes have fixed on the tear stains painting her cheeks, proof of his own fatal mistake.

“I’m so sorry, (Y/N).”

She scoffs.

“Two weeks overdue.”

“I know.” He agrees sheepishly. “I know, (Y/N).”

“Then why are you only here now?” She questions. “Why did you do it in the first place? You can’t just act like you have feelings for someone then disappear and ignore them for weeks!”

Her voice wobbles and cracks at the end, much to her own dismay, and each breath she takes is jagged in the way one’s always is when trying to conceal tears. He watches her press the balls of her palm to her eyes in frustration, letting out a small whimper that has every inch of him aching with remorse.

Part of him, a self-preserving part, tells him to lie. It’s a side of himself he’s grown to hate recently, the side that pushed him into this mess in the first place, and so he knows better than to bargain with it again. So, with a deep breath, he chooses to tell the truth, he chooses to be vulnerable.

“I’m not good enough.”

Although exhaled in a whisper the revelation is startlingly loud. Perhaps its due to the serene quiet always felt on crisp cold days like today, where the sun hangs low in the sky and the lake lies unimaginably still, or perhaps it’s the raw honestly in the statement that makes it seem so alarmingly bold.

She blinks at him, lips parting in surprise and brows furrowing in confusion or concern, Draco isn’t sure. He can hear his pulse in his ears, a slight trembling in his hands that he knows has nothing to do with the chilly breeze. He’s done something profound, terrifying even, and opened that vulnerably part of himself to someone, with no control over what happens to it next.

“What?” She manages.

“Everyone knows it, (Y/N).” He explains nervously. “I’m a terrible match for you.” 

“Who the hell is everyone” She frowns. “Since when did they matter?”

There is a certain protective edge to her voice that he doesn’t deserve, but it replays itself in his head over and over, clinging to it for hope. It takes him a moment to let it go again, to push it down and answer.

“They’re right.” He sighs. “You’re too good a person for me, I’m too Slytherin.”

The concern instantly leaves her eyes, she sits forward with an urgent look of disbelief and another of her signature scoffs. She’s giving him an inspective look, trying to figure out if he’s serious, or if he’s suddenly picked up a new, strange sense of humour.

“You’re kidding, right?”

He isn’t quite sure what to say and his silence fuels another disbelieving shake of her head.

“I am a Slytherin, Draco.” She exclaims. “No matter what those big-headed Gryffindors are always saying, I was sorted into Slytherin and I’m proud of it- you’re supposed to be proud too, not agreeing with those stupid stereotypes.”

“It’s different.” He exhales in frustration. “I am those stupid stereotypes!”

Draco Malfoy has never been considered modest.

Self-confidence isn’t a trait earned in the Malfoy family clan, but rather inherited between generations, a birth right bestowed upon them the minute they are old enough to understand. It’s a confidence Draco has always been comfortably protected by, unwaveringly sure of his own self-importance gifted to him by his ancestors

Yet something about the infamously kind (Y/N) (Y/L/N) has him constantly falling apart at the seams with the need to be good enough for her. He’s never met anyone like her, no one so capable of making him question the unwarranted self-importance he was raised on as a Malfoy.

Even now, wrapped unceremoniously in his scarf, late falling orange leaves lying in her hair and her cheeks stained with tears, he’s never felt so undeserving of a person in his life. She’s a lady, and he’s just a boy, he’s heartbreakingly inadequate.

“I just want to be someone you can be proud to call yours.”

With his eyes solemnly fixed on his lap, anywhere other than her reaction, he jumps slightly at her cold fingertips on his hand, prying them from the tightly curled fists he has no recollection of clenching and slipping her fingers into his.

“Draco, look at me.” She pleads softly. “Please.”

He does so slowly with her encouraging squeeze of his hand, she’s smiling at him, sympathetic, but unpatronizing.

“I am proud.” She states softly, but confidently. “I don’t want some perfect golden boy, I want you, Draco.”

Three words he never knew he needed from her, ‘I want you’, and they fill a space in his chest that was gaping for reassurance. She’s amazed him again as she always does, she has a talent for making him speechless than no one else has ever mastered.

“You’re so harsh on yourself you haven’t even realised how much you’ve grown, Draco.” She informs. “You’re not the bully you used to be, you’re not the carbon copy of your father anymore, and I’m sorry that no one has allowed you to move on from your past to see your present.”

She smiles sheepishly at his dumfounded expression and gives him the moment he needs to collect his thoughts and process it all. Then, slowly, he’s shaking his head in surprise, letting out a soft sigh.

“You’re too good to me.”

“Don’t make me repeat myself.” She jokes. “I think I straightened that misconception out already.”

“No but- you’re just so…”

The heat burning his cheeks is worse than ever before, he feels almost overwhelmed by it all, her compliments, her smile, that genuine look in her eyes that convinces him she’s unwaveringly sure of every word she’s said.

“Thank you.” He blurts finally. “Especially after I- well I ruined it all.”

“Yeah, I won’t lie, you really fucked up.” She admits. “But you’ve made an honest recovery…”

“Thank you for giving me a second chance.” He exhales gratefully. “You didn’t need to do that.”

“I was going to tell you to piss off after the ‘are you cold’ bit to be honest.” She chuckles. “Stayed because you gave me your scarf- which I’m stealing by the way.”

“Take it.” He urges, a smile finding his lips for what he’s sure is the first time in two weeks, since his misguided decision to end their almost-relationship. “Take whatever you want from me, it’s yours.”

She lets out a shaky breath and gulps. She purposely drops her gaze momentarily to his lips before retuning them to his eyes again, a gesture that has his eyes widening and the tips of his ears turning scarlet. Slipping her fingers from between his, she tentatively cups one of his cheeks, fingertips grazing the red colour blossoming on his pale skin.

“Can I kiss you?”

“I-“ He chokes. “Yes.”

She smiles nervously, reassuring him that he’s not the only one flustered. Then, curling her free hand around the lapel of his jacket, she pulls him closer with eyes shut. Their lips are cold when they meet, and slightly chapped by the cool air, but neither care. Draco places a hand on her waist, pulling her somehow closer as their lips begin to move hesitantly together. She lets out a soft content sigh, sending a breath of warm air into the kiss and causing him to positively melt inside. She’s done it again, completely incapacitated him with such a simple thing as a kiss.

“You’re going to be the death of me.” He exhales.

She lets out a giddy laugh as she pulls back, forehead still pressed to his and eyes still shut.

“There are worst ways to go than my lips.”

He knows, he’s very quickly decided that’s the only way he ever wants to go.  She presses her lips to his again for a split second before pulling back completely, he aches for the feeling again, greedy for it now that he’s felt it once.

“Next time, talk to me.” She pleads. “If you ever feel like you’re not good enough, I’ll be there to convince you otherwise, but don’t just disappear.”

“I won’t.” He assures. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know that, Draco.” She smiles sadly. “I just want you to know that you can talk to me.”

“I do.”

The hard part, that initial step, is over. He’s leapt into the unknown, flung himself into the terrifying depths of vulnerability, and there is no going back, but he never wants to, he never wants to leave her again.

“Also if I ever hear you speaking shit about our house again I swear to-“

She’s cut off by his lips once again on hers, startled only for a minute before she’s grinning, grateful to see his confidence returning. She can feel his own grin on her lips and the vibrations of a light laugh before he’s pulling back again.

“Consider me warned.”

“Good.” She exhales. “Or I’ll be confiscating your tie next.”

. 

(Authors note: its not my favourite but if i rewrote it one my time i was flinging my laptop out my window... its not particularly proofread.)

[calmspirited]

hi

been a long time I've been here. a lot has happened. ill detail a bit what has happened in my life under a read more, but for those who don't have time -

tl;dr - lots of personal changes, ups and downs, moving away from dbd in general and dbd rp, may, *may* try fortnite rp, no promises, i'm going to leave my blog and sideblogs and start over with a new blog when i make it

this is super duper long under here. long and rambling and chock full of improper grammar

hello! i guess my departure from here started when the great porn ban hit tumblr. just really didn't vibe with their decision and stepped away for a while. during that time, I realized that it felt really nice not having to worry about rp'ing with everyone (and you all were wonderful!) and that in general, it felt like a job that i wasn't happy doing anymore. i realized dbd rp had become... tiring for me.

it was so long ago - over 2 years ago! I do remember getting a part-time job round that time, so that was another reason why I never really returned. biggest thing was my mother got sick around this time 2 years ago. she never got better and passed away in June of 2020. we really thought she just had a cold she couldn't get over and bad arthritis pains, but suddenly her health absolutely tanked and just 2 weeks after going into the hospital for the first time, she was gone. turned out, she had had insidious caner for years and never knew it, but even besides that, all of her health issues had suddenly magnified tenfold and it was too much.

my mother was a very important figure in my life, and her death was very unexpected and sudden and traumatizing. I remember being scared and anxious to go into "her" parts of our home for months. back then, I had briefly thought about coming back here - I was giving tumblr another chance - but when she got sick that got thrown out the window. i really didn't think about tumblr for months after her untimely death.

but her death led to the start of a lot of changes. she had been needing some home care for several years that I had done myself, and suddenly I found myself with a lot of free time and new opportunities. i signed up for full-time community college, and at the end of this year I hope to have an Associates in Business Administration, along with several management, accounting, and bookkeeping certificates. I got my first car in August of last year, and that has led me to get 2 part-time jobs and be semi-financially independent! that has always been a big goal of mine. im super glad to have these jobss since my eldest sister, who i live with and who supports me financially, had some serious heath issues of her own this past christmas and was out of work for almost a month, and i had to help with the bills.

since may of last year, i slowly started developing health issues. im not going to get too personal, but ive developed hormone, painful skin and auto-immune issues that has made me feel not too hot these past few months. im just starting to see the light at the end of that tunnel, and i'm looking to begin working with a specialist who can help me identify what is triggering my issues (it seems to be centered around food-they're thinking I have some sort of broad food sensitivity). its a slow process, but im beginning to have times where i feel... good. great, even. it's the start of a long journey for me.

While I still play DBD on occasion, i no longer support the game as much as I used to. ever since the pinhead nft debacle, ive lost all faith in the higher ups of BHVR and have come to realized just how scuffed and uncared for the game is. For the first few years, while the game was bad, you could tell while they were confused, they had the spirit and passion to at least try and make the game good. over time, it's clear they don't intend on strengthing the game to its full potential and are using it to make money.

(dont get me wrong, i love the aestheics and visual aspect of dbd - its the higher ups that have made it this way)

the pinhead nft episode was really it for me in concerns of loving dbd. i no longer support the game financially and can't really love a game whose developers blatantly mislead people and do not disclose the info that the purchases of one of their character will fund nfts until it is just too late to ask for a refund. trust me, that was on purpose. that was super scummy and really speaks volumnes about their goals. the only people i blame for that is the people up high enough to make these decisions, because i know several art designers at BHVR who worked on pinhead were shocked and dissapointed that their work was used for nfts.

I actually couldn't play dbd after they did a big graphical update sometime in late 2019 on my laptop, and i ended up trying out a few other games with a couple of friends. I somehow ended up getting into Fortnite summer of 2020. this also relates a bit to my mothers death, due to the fact that when she died, i had more free time at home to play games with others. I started playing loosely in Chapter 2, Season 3, and really remember being hooked by the end of the season into Season 4. While it was a silly, cartoon style battle royale game, I just ended up really vibing with it.

I've met a lot of new friends in fortnite, and have honestly had a lot more fun with Fortnite than I had with DBD. I finally got myself a real beefy PC this past December and have only played DBD a handful of times on my own. took me a long time to re-install it, too. say what you want about fortnite and it's average 12 year old playerbase (there are SO many of them its unreal) - theres real passion and good quality lore and events behind it the game's surface. it drew me in.

fast foward to now. I've started hanging around tumblr more these last few weeks and months and have thought about coming back... just not to dbd. dbd is not "it" for me anymore. it has lost its appeal, its fun, its passion. i have seriously considered picking up fortnite rp - if there is an actual serious fortnite rp community lol, haven't looked (is there even actual rp going on in tumblr anymore?). either way, if I do start rp'ing again, it will be in fortnite more than likely.

I have not only this blog, but several different rp blogs attached to this account. I'll reblog this post there soon and also the link where I will be making my new blog, wherever and whatever it may be. (note: this text editing is super cool)

I do intend on one day logging out of this account and then eventually never logging back in. That day will be one day, but not today. Before I log out of this completely, I will make a new blog and post the link where I will be. while i may find my old rp stuff semi-cringe, i know people did somehow enjoy my writing and I will NOT be deleting my account. Ever. I hate it when people do that.

I want to thank everyone for supporting me throughout the years, even if we were once friends and no longer are or have not spoken in years. I'm bad with keeping up with people once I drop from a social circle. my life has been a crazy journey these past years and it has all contributed to who I am today, which is someone I'm proud of. a lot of stuff has happened, and it is time I begin anew and wrap up this final part of my life that has been dragging its feet behind me.

if you have taken the time to read this, thank you. truly. to those who have followed me but have never interacted, take this as a hello and a thank you. even if no one interacts with this post, im glad to have gotten it off my chest. its been on my mind for a long time to move on.

I will make a new post when I make a new blog, and share the new link. I will also update my contacts soon (will make a note on the contacts page that it is up-to-date). As for my writing blog, I'm not quite sure what I will do with that. I actually have dreams to become an actual author, but whether I remake it, transfer it to a new site, or leave it altogether, I will announce it here and over there.

if anyone from... here, i guess, wants to get in contact, do not be afraid to message me. just keep in mind after i post the link for my new blog, you will have to message me over there as I will pack up shop completely. I probably will not remember who you are at all, but I do enjoy talking to people. I don't know when I will be making the new blog, but it will probably be within a month or so.

so... once again, thank you. while I was here, I had fun. but now, it is time to smoove on.

~Catch you on the flipside,

Jek

[samusangel]

˚ ༘✶ ⋆｡˚𓆟 𝘀𝘆𝗻𝗼𝗽𝘀𝗶𝘀; what happens when inarizaki’s sweetheart falls head over heels for renowned fuckboy miya atsumu?

⤿ 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲; fluff, angst

⤿ 𝗮/𝗻; everyone has a kansai accent (the reader’s accent isnt that strong at times) so dont let ur brain get jumbled. enjoy <3

⤿ 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴(??): swearing, SPOILERS!!

⤿ 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 2.3k

𝗯𝗲𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗱 𝗶𝗻𝗮𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗼 *̣̩⋆̩☽ 

y/l/n y/n, inarizaki’s very own angel. always bubbling with excitement, always smiling. her giggles often enchant the students of inarizaki; it’s like a glimpse into heaven.

never in a million years would they have thought she’d be friends with miya atsumu. inarizaki’s very own devil in disguise. your typical heartbreaker.

if it wasn’t for kita and suna’s constant begging for her to be the manager for the volleyball club, she’d probably not even talk to him.

“y/n-chan!”

you swiftly turn on your heel, stopping the current conversation you were having with aran. atsumu’s in front of you, panting. he must’ve been running here; you put a mental note in your brain to give him water later.

“thought i’d never catch up to ya. for a shorty, yer pretty quick.” atsumu’s smiling at you, it’s the same smile he gives to every other girl. you aren’t special to him, you’re just a fling waiting to happen.

you’ve been crushing on atsumu for quite a while. maybe it’s the affection he gives you? the other boys on the volleyball team give you brotherly love, you even call kita nii-san sometimes. but atsumu? his affection gave the intentions that he was interested in you. the same affectionate ways your friends’ boyfriends gave them. but you think again. this is miya atsumu, a playboy at it’s finest. he would never be interested in you, right?

“‘tsumu, i told ya not to call me shorty!” you lightly smack his arm, pouting.

“can’t resist it, yer too cute to not be called shorty. let’s go.” atsumu holds your hand as the two of you walk to the gym for practice.

“kita-nii!” you quickly let go of atsumu’s hand and run towards kita, hugging him.

“y/n-chan, it’s good to see you made it without you and ‘tsumu bitin each others’ heads off!” kita chuckles, patting your head as a signal to go get the surprise you had made for the team, aran getting up to go with you.

the moment you’re out of earshot, kita yells at atsumu.

“why’re ya late, ‘tsumu? thought ya said you’d make it on time today,” kita scoffs, thoroughly done with atsumu constantly being late the past month. nationals were coming up, he couldn’t have the team slacking, “don’t tell me it’s another one o’ ya dumb flings again.”

“was waitin for y/n-chan, she had to stay back and help some douche with his homework. tch, as if,” there was a certain jealously laced in his words, one that if you’d heard it you’re sure it would make your precious little heart burst.

“yer not much better, ya know.” osamu casually puts out, and he isn’t wrong. after all, atsumu isn’t given the title ‘playboy’ for nothing.

“‘samu, don’t be like that. i aint all that bad, right?” atsumu whines, frowning like a little kid about to have a temper tantrum.

“guys!! i have somethin’ for ya!” you walk back into the gym with aran, both holding a tray of baked goods.

“eh? y/n-chan, what’s that for?” the sweet smell of vanilla and strawberries wafts through the air, very quickly catching the inarizaki team’s attention.

“well.. you guys have been working really hard lately getting ready for nationals so i thought it’d be nice to bake you guys some sweets,” the team stared at her, wide-eyed. how did they get so lucky?

“o-oh but.. if ya guys don’t wan’ em-”

“y/n-chan, ya fuckin angel. we’re gonna eat all of these.” atsumu pulls you into a hug, your face smushed into his chest. you feel your cheeks heat up at the compliment, but you ignore the fuzzy feeling and familiar butterflies swarming; simply letting atsumu do what he wanted.

“‘tsumu, let go! ya gotta eat before the rest of the guys eat em!” atsumu loosens his grip around you, changing his hold on you to his arm falling to your waist.

the team eat the trays of pastries you baked the night before, osamu and atsumu constantly fighting over the mini-cupcakes you made with the extra batter. osamu claims they taste better, while atsumu just wants an excuse to beat his brother at something. suna just quietly eats the vanilla cookies, thanking you for being so generous to the idiots on his team. aran and kita are just watching osamu and atsumu fight, munching on cornets.

atsumu usually doesn’t make it very far fighting with osamu, it seems keeping his hold on your waist is much more important to him. your heart flutters at the position you’re currently in; you sitting next to atsumu, your head resting softly on his shoulder. atsumu humming a soft little tune only for your ears to hear as he peacefully watches you play with his much larger hands.

“should i bake some more for tomorrow?” you ask, lifting your head from atsumu’s shoulder to start packing up the trays and cleaning any crumbs the boys left behind.

“if ya wanna, we’re not fussed.” aran smiles sweetly to you; you simply give a small smile back.

“alright, we’ll just skip practice for today. you’re all gonna practice extra tomorrow though,” kita chuckles hearing the disapproving groans from his teammates, “don’t worry, im sure y/n can think of a way to keep ya excited.”

“i’ll start thinkin of some fun activities we can do on the weekend!” you chirp, getting up to find your bag.

everyone starts piling out; you walking out eagerly chatting with osamu about a new recipe you’ve been dying to try. atsumu’s much larger hand engulfs yours as you and atsumu split ways from osamu since atsumu insisted he walk you home.

“’tsumu, you don’t have to walk me home. i’m not a lil’ kid anymore.” you smile at him, feeling a sense of euphoria at the fact he chose to walk you home instead of walking home with osamu.

“yer so innocent though, i swear someone could lure ya in with candy or somethin’.” atsumu laughs, watching the way your face goes from a soft smile to slightly confused to very offended.

“c’mon atsu’,” you whined, pouting, “i’m not that dumb!”

“yeah, but ya aren’t that smart either,” he takes a moment to admire you while you ramble about how you still got better grades than him and how osamu is the smarter twin.

“oh! tsumu, you should go home now.”

“right. see ya tomorrow, y/n!”

the next few days pass and you feel as if the atmosphere is off between you and atsumu. you’ve spoken to osamu about it and he feels the same way. did something happen between you and atsumu?

“..astu’?” you tap atsumu’s shoulder softly, letting him know you’re there.

“oh. y/l/n.” atsumu isn’t looking at you with the usual gleam in his eyes and you’re starting to wondering if you messed up something.

“‘tsumu, why’re you callin’ me by my last name?” you bite your lip in a state of confusion and nervousness.

“y/n. we need to talk.” he sighs in a way that you would when you’re disappointed and you’re thinking you really fucked up.

after school, you meet atsumu in the gym. they don’t have practice today, so the gym was the perfect place to meet up.

“y/n. i know what you think about me. i can see it in the way you look at me.” atsumu begins, almost instantly regretting what he’s decided to do. the way your eyes are starting to tear up makes him know you know what he’s talking about.

“atsumu.. i didn’t- i didn’t mean to. it just-” you stutter out, tears dripping down your cheeks, as atsumu pulls you into a hug.

“shh, i know. it’s okay, yeah? just ‘cause ya fell in love with me doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends. just needed ya to know that ya shouldn’t confess to me. i’m gonna have to reject ya, and i really don’t wanna do that.” you don’t know what to say, especially since you were hoping to confess to him in a few days.

“i- i’m gonna go, atsumu.” you pull away from him after a few minutes of silence and after your sobs have silenced.

“i’ll walk you home.”

“no.. atsumu, i need time to think, y’know?”

days pass, days turning to weeks and weeks beginning to edge onto two months. the heavy tension in the gym is suffocating. the bus ride to nationals isn’t much better either. you’re sitting as far away from atsumu as you can, avoiding the awkward looks he gives you. you know he wants to apologise for being so blunt to you, but you aren’t ready to talk to him yet.

“y/n, i think it’s time you talked with ‘tsumu. i know you don’t want to, but as our manager you have to for the sake of the team.” kita’s calm voice snaps you out of your lost state of mind. it was evident that you weren’t feeling your best from the way your gaze was soft and it looked like you were drifting off.

“oh. uh.. i don’t think he wants to see me right now?” you try to make an excuse but kita simply shakes his head no and you grumble.

“y/n. go now, please. ‘tsumu isn’t focusin’ durin’ practice. as manager ya needa set him straight.”

“kita-nii..” you hesitate for a moment, “fine. i’ll do it.”

“thank you, y/n.”

you walk up to atsumu, who seems quite surprised you’re even looking at him right now, and sit next to him.

“atsu’.. i don’t wanna be the reason you might lose nationals. i know how much this means to you,” you make eye contact with atsumu for the first time in about a month.

“y/n, it’s not yer fault, yeah?” atsumu cups your cheek with his hand, a small smile growing on his face, “shouldn’t have been so blunt with ya anyways, shoulda known you’d react like this.”

“are.. are we okay again?” you bite your lip lightly, patiently waiting for a reply.

“think we were always okay, we just had a lil’ mishap, y’know?”

“so.. can i sit next to you?” you feel at peace knowing what happened hopefully won’t change your current dynamic, even if you know atsumu definitely won’t be yours.

“yeah, ya can. c’mere.” you sit down before atsumu tucks you into his side.

the rest of the ride is silent, but the uncomfortable tension is eased.

nationals pass by in a few blinks. but in the end, unfortunately, inarizaki lost to karasuno; a school no one would’ve thought could make it this far before, not after their reputation of being ‘clipped crows’.

the bus is once again silent during the ride home, and it breaks your heart — as the manager who’s been with them as long as the second years have — seeing how distraught the boys look. everyone looks disappointed in themselves, even suna looks upset. but most of all, atsumu looks like he’s on the verge of tears. and sitting next to him gives you the front seats to the way his eyes are glossy, the tears threatening to spill over any moment.

even the school feels silent, the losing game somehow affecting the entirety of inarizaki. even you, the bubbly sweetheart, could barely smile.

months pass, and now it’s almost the end of your second year. everything seemed to pass in a blur, from the losing match to the rest of your second year. the only thing that seemed to linger was the feeling of regret; and your feelings for atsumu. maybe if you didn’t catch feelings for atsumu, he would’ve been more focused. if you didn’t catch feelings, he wouldn’t have had to talk to you about it.

although the boys didn’t technically have to keep practicing, a few of the boys kept going; especially atsumu.

“atsu’? it’s time to lock up before ya get in trouble from coach. again.” your soft voice calling out to atsumu snaps him out of his focus.

“oh. yeah, gimme a minute.”

you watch atsumu do his jump serve, the sound of the impact from the ball hitting the floor bouncing on the walls of the gym. atsumu tried to hit another serve before you register why you’re there but it’s too late.

“atsu’, no! i’ll help you clean up, c’mon. you gotta walk me home, it’s late. it’d be terrible if i, your precious manager, got kidnapped right?” you joked, though you were still terrified at the thought of getting kidnapped for real.

“yeah ya right, it’d be so hard for the team without our darlin’ lil’ manager.” atsumu chuckles.

your parents didn’t really mind where you went at night, especially since they knew you were often with atsumu. so it’s no surprise that your parents don’t call or text when it’s late at night and you’re at a park with atsumu, sitting on a bench together. the cold breeze making you wish you’d brought your jacket with you that day. and it seems atsumu notices because soon after you shiver, atsumu’s large jacket is placed on your shoulders.

“hey, y/n?” atsumu swings his arm around your shoulder and makes you shuffle closer to him.

“mm?”

“i like you.”

“oh, cool. wait. what??” your whip your head to face him, shocked at the sudden confession.

“maybe i can give this whole love thing a shot? doesn’t seem that hard to keep ya happy.” atsumu jokes, watching as your expression shuffles through happy, confused and a mix of the two.

“i- i like you too but.. your volleyball career?”

atsumu simply shushes you and brings you into a soft kiss; and you wish time would stop right then.

“be my girlfriend?” he smiles at you, a hopeful glint in his eyes.

and who were you to say no to that?

[shxxtingstarss]

stuff abt me

I contacted the psychiatric hospital where I had multiple stays and asked for a copy of my patient record, they sent it to me just two days after I requested it and it's a whole fucking folder, it's about 200 pages long (stopped counting at 50 and estimated the rest). Of course I had to read through it the day I got it and damn, that was a lot. Funniest part was how early all of the recommendations were to get me away from my abusive mother, which I wanted to, but it's funny how hard I tried to keep contact bc she manipulated me into thinking I'm the problem, I failed and it was all my fault (and I was scared as shit of her). Well, now im NC since last christmas and in general, it feels a lot better. She tried to contact me more than once and still wants an explanation on why I (currently) don't want any contact to her... well, kinda sorry but I really don't have the time to explain atm and you really, should know that best yourself...

My mother traumatised me and my brother for years, she was incapable of controlling any strong emotions like rage, sadness, etc or any impulses. She never accepted any help or treatment (properly). She had/has an ED, she intentionally made us be afraid of her in general, but especially afraid of her punching us, verbally abusing us or afraid of her mutilating or killing herself if we weren't "good kids" (her picture of good kids seemed to be kids that don't talk, eat, cry, or maybe even breathe). My favourite example of this is from a few years ago, she went to look for mushrooms in the forest and began to clean and cut them in the evening at home, when my brother had some kind of disagreement with her about... about nothing (probably school, cleaning his room, sth like that). She got angry and mad very fast (as per usual) and screamed at him that if he doesn't stop upsetting her like that, she will show him how upset she actually is. Few seconds later it got suspiciously quiet (I heard everything through my bedroom door). My brother started crying and ran to his room half crying half screaming as if he was in great pain. That was not the usual way it ended, usually it ended with more screaming and crying and my mother throwing things around (or occasionally beating one of us). I got out of my bedroom and wanted to know what happened, went to my brothers room, my mother was in the bathroom. I saw blood on the floor of the hall. My brother was under his blanket and had our grandma on the telephone and obviously tried to tell her what happened, he seemed extremely scared. I wanted to ask him what's wrong but my mother entered the room furiously and snatched the phone out of his hand. She started to tell grandma that he just imagined stories and nothing he told was true. She left the room talking to grandma on the phone, so I tried to care for my crying brother. He told me, gasping for air bc he cried so hard, that our mother just took the kitchen knife which she cut the mushrooms with and rammed it into her stomach. I forgot what happened afterwards, I probably dissociated bc it was too much, I can only remember hearing my mother leave, then I found the knife on the kitchen floor, full of blood, and cleaned the floor from all the blood droplets. My mother went to the hospital that night and had to stay there for three days. She told the doctors that she tripped and fell on the knife in the woods, I visited her on the second day and she told me to absolutely not tell the truth and stared at me with her devilish eyes that she gets when she's angry. The doctors said she barely missed her liver. I was really tempted to tell them the truth, I hoped she would've been brought to a mental facility and we could finally find peace, but I couldn't do it, I was too scared of her. And so the horror kept going on (especially for my brother). This happened when I was 14 and my brother was 11 years old. I sometimes think I could've changed everything for the better if I would've told the doctors - I got to get out of there around half a year later, but my brother stayed with her for another 5 years and I'm terribly sorry for him. My mother never changed for the better, he got beaten even more often, she started to get even more personal and aggressive and talked him down more and more in fights, I once heard a voice message from her to him and it was horrible. Can't explain how angry I am about her treating my little brother this way.

My brother often said he never really felt loved by her and I used to defense her in all ways possible bc that's how she raised me basically, I had to lie for her, I had to do everything for her. But now that I can actually think about it, I actually never felt loved by her either. I don't know if she loves/loved us and never managed to show it or if she didn't love us at all.

Back to my patient record, the weird part was, I felt something like a strange sympathy, I felt sorry for my younger me, I asked myself why all of this had to happen, especially to an innocent child. But I didn't ask this in the way I normally did, I really felt sorry like for another person instead of feeling sorry for me or being in despair about it. Don't know if that's good or bad, it just is like that.

I know I'm not a different person than then, but at least some things changed and sometimes I really wonder how I managed to do all of this while being strongly suicidal, not very self-caring (more like the opposite if I think about all the selfharm) and not having any support by "family". Luckily I got a lot of support from social workers, my therapist, and sometimes even friends (wasn't easy for me to be close to people/more than one favourite person, actually it still isn't).

Well, it's not done yet and I still feel like pure shit some days/weeks, and I still (or maybe again) have to get better. The stress of being a chem student is not very mental-health-supportive, even for the healthiest peeps. At least I know now that it's actually not my fault, I'm not a piece of shit as my mother loved to tell me as often as she could, I did not destroy my "family", I was not the problem. It was not my fault. I actually tried my best, it just wasn't enough sometimes.

So, let's hope I keep this up and maybe I'll write another post some time soon. Maybe I can even help some desperate soul out there that is being manipulated into thinking that everything bad happened bc of them. No. And yes, I fucked up sometimes, I'm far away from perfect too, that's perfectly normal. But I'm not the "mentally ill person that destroyed her new marriage", maybe she should've had a look in the mirror instead of looking at me.

[ardett]

all dead hearts to you

Description: George and Dream have never met in person. It isn’t a problem until Dream calls George to tell him he’s going to kill himself.

check this out on Ao3 if you wanna be cool!

Author’s Note: Not me crashing recklessly into another fandom (also this is assuming sapnap went home to Texas after living with dream idk let me live)

title from Dead Hearts by Stars

also I'm new here, anyone wanna give me a welcome to the boys?

warnings: suicide warning (obviously) but no actual suicide, general anxiety and panic attacks

It’s 3am when George gets Dream’s call. 

Late, but only really for him. It’s still before midnight in Florida, right around 10pm. He’d like to say that he’s so practiced with converting time zones that he doesn’t even have to think about it but he still has to count backwards on his fingers, thinking on the jump between late late nights and early mornings.

He’s still awake but the leds in his room have been turned to red, set to the dimmest mode. He was streaming with Quackity up until about half an hour ago and his room has settled back into quiet again.

He feels the thrum of anxiety as he hears the ringtone. Dream usually only calls him when George is about to sleep through something important or if he’s on the road. George wonders if he forgot something today or maybe he let something slip on his call with Quackity.

Now that it’s on his mind, he realizes that he hasn’t heard from Dream all day. Or yesterday?

They’ve both been busy, though George has been busy with the usual things and Dream said something about needing to put his affairs in order or whatever that meant. They usually text at least but even that has been quieter.

George grabs his phone off his desk and picks up the call.

“Dream. What’s up?” he asks. George runs a quick hand through his hair, checking his screen quickly. It’s a real phone call, not even a discord call. “Hey, I’m putting you on speaker. I’m gonna put on my pajamas.”

He’s about to set the phone on his dresser when Dream says, “Oh, I probably shouldn’t be on speaker.”

There’s something off in his tone. Something flat. It sets George’s nerves on edge. 

“Yeah? Okay.” George tucks the phone back by his ear, slumping back on his bed. “Did you have something you had to tell me?”

“Yeah. George, I’m going to kill myself.”

Everything in George stills.

And then starts to spin.

“What?”

“I’m going to—”

“You’re not serious.” George jerks upright, ignoring the lightheaded feeling sinking its fingers into his skull. “Dream, this isn’t funny.”

“I don’t think it is. It’s just going to happen.” 

There’s not even a tremor in Dream’s voice. George can’t feel anything past the bone deep shock in his system.

All he can think of is Dream, wrists bloody and split open. Dream, fingertips dusted white with the residue of unnamed pills. Dream, rope burns fracturing the long line of his neck. 

Dream, dead.

How is he even going to do it? Is he actually going to do it? George wants to ask but then he realizes he doesn’t want to know.

He imagines the first time he sees Dream in person is when he attends his funeral.

He imagines all the words he’s held in for so long, waiting and waiting for the moment he could say them to Dream face to face, finally being said to dead air.

But George can’t say that so all he manages is an obstinate, “No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Stop disagreeing with me.”

“George,” Dream laughs. Laughs.

George feels dizzy with the disbelief swirling inside him. Surely this can’t be happening. What reason would Dream have to make this up though? Dream would never joke about something like this. Why is he laughing? 

How can Dream be so casual when George’s world is shattering? 

He doesn’t know what a future without Dream looks like.

They’ve always lived miles apart but Dream has never felt so far away. George has never felt like this. Like he couldn’t reach him.

“Dream.” Dream’s laugh cuts off as soon as he hears the plea in George’s voice. “Is something wrong? Are you— I can come there. I can be with you tomorrow. Sapnap can stay with you again. You don’t have to do this—”

“I know. But I want to. So I’m going to.” Any trace of mirth is gone. Dream sounds the same way he did when he decided he was going to break a world record or make YouTube work for him.

Determined. Steadfast. His voice has the steely confidence of knowing he won’t fail.

Usually it’s inspiring but now the familiarity of it just makes George sick. He’s never known Dream to be someone content with failure.

George's phone digs into his palm as his grip spasms. He tastes blood.

And he doesn’t even know why yet.

“What happened? Whatever it is, we can fix it.”

Dream sighs. “Nothing’s wrong, George.”

“There has to be something wrong. You can tell me,” George insists. Then he changes tactics and lies through his teeth. “I swear I won’t tell anyone else. We can work this out together, just the two of us. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“I already told you nothing’s wrong,” Dream repeats.

“Then why would you… do that?” George trips over the word, rephrases it instead.

And then Dream rips that tiny defense to shreds.

“You can say it you know,” Dream says. “I’m going to kill myself. You should probably get used to it actually. People are going to ask you about it. I’m sorry about that,” he adds as an afterthought. 

The harsh, blunt words sting against George’s skin.

“Don’t apologize,” he strangles out. “Don’t apologize for that out of everything. Just don’t do it.”

“George,” Dream breathes, exasperated.

“I just don’t understand,” George begs. For the first time, his voice wavers.

Dream, cold gun in his cold hands. Dream, long limbs hanging over the railing of a bridge as he stares down. Dream, slumped over his table with a bottle of vodka nestled near his feet. 

Dream, dead.

Dead.

Dead.

“Don’t cry, okay?” Dream’s voice softens. George forgot how gentle Dream could be with him when he wanted. 

“I didn’t want to make you cry. Look, it’s just…” Dream trails off. Eventually, he continues even quieter. “This is it, you know? This is the top, this is the peak. It can’t go on like this forever, crazy numbers on videos and trending on twitter and all that shit. I’d rather go out like this than wait to hit the bottom. Doesn’t that make sense?” Dream persuades.

“No,” George insists, all the air leaving his lungs at once.

“Come on, George. Can you even picture yourself growing old? What happens when we’re 30, 40, and all of this is gone. Do you want that?”

The sick part of it all is that George has imagined the future. He imagines it lovingly, not viciously. Not like this.

He imagined a future with Sapnap and Bad and Karl and Quackity but most of all with Dream. He wants so badly to be with him. Sapnap talked about living together, how great parts of it had been, how he would have stayed if he hadn’t had to return home for family, and George so selfishly wants that for himself.

And he’s always known that’s not what Dream pictured. Dream doesn’t want what he wants. Dream doesn’t want to grow old with someone, much less George.

Can you even picture yourself growing old?

It hurts because George can and he always wanted it to be with Dream.

“What are you even saying? Do you want me to kill myself too?” George bites. He scrubs viciously at his eyes and stabs at the power button of his computer, teeth piercing into his lip as he waits for it to turn on.

“No, no, of course not. I would never— Come on, that’s obviously not what I’m saying.”

George fumbles with his keyboard, pulling up his discord messages with Sapnap.

He just needs someone else to help him, someone else to know. Someone who can do what he can’t. Someone who isn’t as fucking helpless as him, who doesn’t live an ocean away and who has never seen Dream in person and has never touched Dream, not once, has never known what the sun feels like in Florida.

Of course he was lying when he said this was going to stay between the two of them.

This isn’t the kind of thing he can do alone.

 George: Sapnap dream says hes going 

George: to kill himself

George: you have to get someone to him

George: call 999 

George: 911

 Sapnap: what

 George: please now sap Im on the phone with him

 Sapnap: are you joking

 George: no

George: do it

George: please fast now

 “Are you typing?” Dream questions, a note of warning in his tone.

George jerks. “No, I—”

He’s cut off by a beeping from his phone. 

His heart stops.

“What’s that sound?” Dream asks.

Sapnap is calling him.

George can picture him, knee jumping as he clutches his phone, hoping against hope that George is joking. He can practically hear the adrenaline trembling in Sapnap’s voice, can see the way Sapnap stands and paces.

He can’t answer though. He can’t leave Dream.

George declines the call, hand shaking.

“Who was that?” The question is flat.

“No one,” George says too quickly.

“No one?” Dream repeats. Only a second or two passes before George hears the same beep through his phone speaker, this time coming from Dream’s end. “Wow look who’s calling me. Sapnap. Wonder if he changed his name to No One,” Dream says without emotion.

 Sapnap: fck are you serious

 George bites his tongue, wincing.

“Dream—”

 George: y

 George can’t manage to type anything more before Dream snarls, “You’re such a fucking snitch, you know that? It’s fine though, I thought this might happen. I was gonna call him after you, for the record.” It almost sounds like Dream is smiling. George’s heart twists. Why is he smiling? “I know you have to try as a friend to save me, or whatever you want to call it, but you really don’t have to. I want to do this. I’m going to.

“It’s not like you could really stop me anyway,” Dream continues. “You don’t even know where I live. You barely know what I look like. What, are you going to ask the police to search the entire state of Florida?”

“Sapnap knows,” George whispers. 

He tries to shake off the savagery seeping into Dream’s voice. He tells himself Dream is defensive, Dream is nervous, Dream is scared. Dream isn’t thinking about what he’s really saying.

Though things have never mattered before, the fact George has never been to Florida, that George has never seen Dream in person. But now Dream is weaponizing them against him, forcing George to acknowledge that for everything their relationship is, it can never replace an in person friendship. And Dream has always been a better fighter than George.

“No, he doesn’t. Me and Sap rented a house, remember? We never went to my house. I never sent him my actual address, I checked.” And Dream sounds so smug. Like he won.

George’s gaze darts back to his computer. 

But he already knows Dream isn’t a liar.

 Sapnap: I dont know his address

Sapnap: fuck

Sapnap: Im calling bad

Sapnap: dont let him hang up

 “People are so dumb about it, you know? They tell all their friends and then they get caught before actually doing it,” Dream goes on, not paying attention to George’s disconsolate silence.

“But you’re telling me,” George mutters. Hopelessness strings through him.

Sapnap isn’t writing anything else. George can only hope Bad picked up.

“Yeah but you’re literally in another country. What are you going to do about it?” 

George can’t manage any words. He doesn’t even know if he remembers how to breathe. 

Dream is right, he always seems to be right. George just wishes it wasn’t about this. Anything but this. He has to believe that Sapnap and Bad will figure something out. He has to trust them.

“Just think about how many people are found before they actually do it,” Dream goes on in George’s quiet. “Because they can’t commit. Most people are cowards. It’s dumb honestly. Just do it or don’t.”

“Don’t then,” George whispers.

His eyes burn with unshed tears. His fingers spasm on his bedsheets.

He doesn’t know what Dream wants. Does he want George to beg? To get on his knees and plead with him to save his own life? Because he would in a heartbeat but he doubts it would make a difference. 

Dream sighs. “I feel like you’re not listening to me, George.”

“No, I am.” George’s voice rises with his wrath. Suddenly all his terror and frustration comes to a bursting point. “I’m listening. I’m listening to you talk about killing yourself. I just think you’re wrong. I think it would be a lot fucking braver to stay alive even if your views go down, even if you’re not fucking famous, Dream. What the fuck? You’re a fucking coward for trying to leave!” George’s breaths heave through the staticy phone microphone. His fear and anger wind him.

There’s a moment of emptiness.

Then, lip curling, Dream says, “Trying to leave you?”

George chokes.

“What?”

“Don’t try and pull this card, George. That’s what you’re trying to say, isn’t it? I’m a coward for leaving everyone behind? For leaving you?” 

Dream’s voice drowns out George’s. George flinches, though Dream can’t see it. 

“Don’t be so fucking selfish. I hate that, you know that?” Dream growls. “Everyone thinks they’re enough to save someone all by themselves. Wow, the sheer force of your love just fucking yanked me back from the edge of a cliff, give me a fucking break,” Dream scoffs. George’s ribs feel tight. “You can’t just reverse psychology or guilt me out of this.”

“Jesus, Dream, is it so hard to believe that maybe I care about you and I don’t want you to fucking die?” George grits out. 

The room swims before him. He can’t remember how to uncurl his fingers.

“Well it’s not up to you, is it?” Dream practically smirks.

And that’s it, isn’t it? The winning phrase. Because Dream’s right. 

It’s not up to George. 

George can only listen helplessly as Dream considers his own grave. He’s a constant witness to the storm that is Dream. He was always grateful to be dragged along in Dream’s hurricane winds and now he dreads the day they calm.

“You’re being cruel,” George murmurs. His aggression leaves him as soon as it came.

“I’m being honest,” Dream contends.

George sinks his head into his hands. “Why did you even call me then? To— to gloat?”

Dream’s voice goes low and quiet, vulnerable. George’s insides twist and melt and contort. “No, no, I just… I don’t know. I just wanted to talk to you one more time.”

“Don’t say that,” George hisses. The words are half muffled into his palms.

“Don’t say what?” Dream asks defensively.

“Don’t say one more time. You can’t— you can’t—'' It all hits George at once. He’s going to lose him.

He’s going to lose Dream.

Before he knows it, he’s sobbing into the phone, loud ugly heaving sobs. “Don’t do it, Dream. I’m serious. Please— Just wait for one of us to get there. We can be with you. We can help.”

Dream’s voice hardens again. “You mean you can stop me.”

“Dream—” George starts to beg, trying to figure out how to lie without Dream catching him.

But Dream beats him to it. 

“I’m gonna hang up now—”

Panic rips through George. The shock of it physically hurts in his veins, in his heart.

“No!” he almost screams. “Dream, Dream, don’t hang up—”

“Oh my god, relax. I’m calling Sapnap. I’m not doing anything yet.” He can almost hear Dream rolling his eyes. It’s not comforting.

George sniffles. He knows it sounds pathetic. He’s not one for pity but if it gets Dream to keep talking with him, he’s willing to stoop to any low. He just doesn’t know if he can believe Dream.

“Can’t you just… stay on the phone with me?” 

“What, forever? Is that your plan? Just keep me on the line until someone inevitably finds me somehow?” Dream mocks.

Yes.

“No,” George says instead because he thinks it’s what Dream wants to hear.

Dream switches tactics. George recognizes the persuasion in his tone. 

“Don’t you want me to call Sapnap? Shouldn’t he also get the chance to talk with me?” Dream questions.

Guilts rests against George’s ribs. 

Of course he wants Sapnap to get the chance to talk to Dream. What if this is their last chance to talk? But George is too selfish to think about it much.

“That’s not what you’re asking me. Don’t try and pull that shit. You’re asking me to hang up. You’re asking for me to say goodbye and I’m…” George’s voice drops, almost inaudible. “I’m not ready.”

“George…” Dream’s voice trails off. His next words are nearly silent, something bitter and mournful about them. “You know I love you, right?”

“I know,” George mumbles.

“Are you gonna say it back to me?” Dream demands. George doesn’t know what holds him back now but something does.

“You know I do, Dream, why—”

The dial tone rings in George’s ears.

Dream hung up.

-

Not even 30 seconds pass, not nearly enough for the abrupt end of their call to sink in, when George’s phone is ringing again. He fumbles with his screen but manages to pick up.

“George?”

George’s heart sinks. It’s not the voice he wants to hear. That he needs to hear.

“Bad?”

“Yeah,” Bad affirms. “Are you okay?”

“Am I okay? Am I—” George scoffs and it feels like it rips his throat. He feels like he wants to scream. Like he wants to punch a wall. Like he would give anything to be somewhere warmer right now. “No, I’m obviously not okay, Bad. He’s going to— to—”

“I know. Sapnap told me.” 

Bad’s voice is collected, even. It just makes George more frustrated. How can everyone be so fucking calm about this? 

“George, just try to take some deep breaths, okay?” George ignores the suggestion. “Sapnap is on the phone with Dream. He just hung up on me to talk to him. I’m driving there right now, okay?”

George pauses. Something cold washes over him. He doesn’t know yet if it’s relief.

“You’re— you’re driving to Dream?”

“Yes,” Bad affirms. “We just have to keep him talking to someone for the next hour—”

“Hour? Are you serious? That’s too long!” George knows he’s screaming now. He doesn’t care.

“George—”

“We have to call an ambulance, the police. There has to be someone we can call.” 

George squeezes his eyes shut, trying to think of other ways they could possibly get there in time. He comes up blank. He can’t accept it. He can’t.

Dream, alone. Dream, bereft. Dream, dead.

“I know but I can’t— I was trying to tell you.” Bad’s words are muffled. It sounds like he’s biting the inside of his cheek. He confesses, “I don’t know his exact address. Sapnap is going to try and get it while he talks to him. I’m driving to Orlando and hopefully Sap knows it by the time I get there but we’re just—”

“No, no, no—”

George thinks of Bad arriving just in time to find Dream’s body still warm. He’s going to be sick. His chest hurts. His lungs burn.

“Try and take some deep breaths—” Bad placates as George speaks over him.

“I’m never going to talk to him again. He’s going to kill himself.” George is spiraling. He can’t stop himself.

“George, I’m going to get there in time.” But Bad doesn’t sound sure of himself. George zeros in on the weakness.

“You don’t know that,” George hisses.

“This is hard for all of us, George!” George startles at Bad’s yell. He’s heard Bad raise his voice before but never at him, never seriously. “I’m sorry,” Bad apologizes, words quieting again. George hears a sniffle through the phone. 

Bad’s crying. 

God, George is a terrible person. He didn’t even think to check in on Bad. Bad’s the one who might find Dream halfway there or already committed. He’s the only one who’s even close to being able to do something and maybe that’s the worst position to be in.

To be so close and lose a friend anyway.

“You don’t have to apologize. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t… I know it’s hard for all of us. I know you’re doing everything you can. You’re doing more than me.” George tries to laugh but it gets stuck in his throat. It’s not funny anyway.

“It’s going to be okay,” but it doesn’t even sound like Bad believes himself.

“I don’t think I can talk about this anymore,” George murmurs. He feels exhausted. There’s so much adrenaline coursing through him that it hurts. “Can we just talk about something else just… just for a little?” he begs. Like anything could distract him from this.

“Yeah George.” George can hear the sympathy in Bad’s voice. He’s too far gone for the pity to bother him. “Let me— Let me tell you about what I did this weekend on the SMP.”

George sucks in a sharp inhale. “Not— not the SMP. Can you talk about something else?” 

“Of course,” Bad agrees easily. “So last Friday I went to visit my family…”

George lets Bad talk in the background. Every once in a while, one of them will sniffle or sob or take a breath that’s too shaky to be normal. Neither of them mentions it.

George listens to people walk past his window, their voices carrying up into the stars.

The noises of the highway drone on through his phone.

Bad drives.

-

George thinks about what it would be like to go on without Dream.

He’ll never be the same, he already knows. It will haunt him for years. For the rest of his life. The thought of being so close to someone and then losing them.

Death is natural. He knows that. But it’s the intentionality of it that aches the most. The idea that Dream would leave behind everything for something so painful and unknown.

And George just knows… part of him will die with Dream and never come back. 

George doesn’t know who he’ll be with that part missing.

part 1/3, though the next update won’t really be an update but it will be soon