#so i was able to get home but im fucking upset
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The Confession 1 C.S.
Fwb!Mean!Chris x Fwb!Fem!Reader
A/N: I tried something different :)
*Really long you have been warned.
I dont even know how I ended up in this position. One minute my best friend Madi thinks she likes both Matt and Chris and the next she is 100% Matt. Me and Madi are super close I mean we practically grew up together and when we met the triplets in Boston everything changed, our circle grew just a little bit bigger. Lately, I haven't been the best friend to Madi just because I have been neglecting to confess to her about my secret crush on Chris and I am not the type to run over her if she knows she likes Chris because who am I to tell her she can't like him especially since I haven't told her that I did.
its about 1:50 in the morning and by this time Madi had walked all the way to a park and found a bench to sit and bawl her eyes out she couldnt figure out why she was feeling this bad whether it was that she couldnt articulate how she hurt Matt and Chris or if it is was because she cant choose between chris and matt she knows them both equally for a long time. sighing looking down at her phone finally deciding to call the one person she knew is always there. Holding in my tears as the dial tone rings hoping she wasnt asleep yet.
"Hello Madi"
jess speaks into the phone
"Jess"
she states through choked tears
"Madi what's going on love what happened"
"i messed up really bad and i dont know what to do"
she exclaims letting her tears fall
"Madi"
"I like chris and matt and ive might have messed up our friendship"
"no madi you didnt okay i promise you didnt they are still your friends and they love you"
you quickly reply feeling that heavy feeling in your chest again as she still thinks she like chris.
"i dont know"
she replies through a fit of tears
"its okay promise try to get some sleep and you will feel so much better tomorrow i promise"
you reply reassuring her.
"okay goodnight"
she sniffles out
"goodnight i will see you when you get back home "
she hung up from jess and sighed out once more calming her nerves proceeding to walk back to the house. as she made her way into the driveway sitting back on the concrete driveway where the night officially started
"MADI"
you exclaim softly seeing her sitting on the driveway
"hi"
she replies quietly as she turns around to look at you
"i was so worried are you okay"
you ask again.
"im sorry"
you sigh squatting down and hugging her then sitting down next to her
"i fucked things up didnt i"
she huffs out
"what no well i mean chris and matt are not speaking to each other currently but i mean whats new"
you sigh out since madi basically confessed to both of them on the same night and them both finding out in this driveway tonight.
" but it was my fault im the reason they are mad at each other"
"no no youre not okay they are just being them okay they will grow up"
you reassure her
"but i mean i told you had feelings for chris too"
you state smirking trying to shake the heavy feeling in her stomach at that sentence.
"jesss"
"you know i love you"
you say side hugging her
'well im going to bed you think youre going to be okay"
"yeah thanks j"
"okay"
you say standing up and walking back into the house as madi rests her head on her arms positioned on top of her knees as someone comes and sits next to her quietly
"hi matt"
she speaks softly out noticing his presence
"hey"
"im sorry"
"why you were just being honest"
he sighs out
"i do really like you"
she confesses again
"no madi you and chris are perfect and honestly it makes he was at least able to communicate how he feels about you without being oblivious about it im not the one you need madi you are way out of my league and im okay with that honestly"
he sighs out rambling
"what the actual fuck matt stop youre out of my league why do you just automatically assume your not good enough"
she exclaims frustrated standing up and wrapping the blanket you had brought her getting upset
"madi no youre not out of league okay just stay"
he says pulling her hand down a little as she sighs and sits back down as matt pulls me into him connecting our lips guiding her on his lap in the process. He tangled his fingers through her messy hair as he continue to make out with her. Her hands wrapped around his neck tightly as he stood up carrying her back into the house. shepulled away quickly he closed the door behind them and set her back on her feet.
"Matt if-if"
she trails of whispering
"wait"
he stops her as he pulls his and her shoes off leaving them downstairs as he swiftly picks her up again by her thighs taking her upstairs to her room quietly being sure not wake up anyone especially Chris. Matt leans back in after setting her on her bad standing in between her legs attempting to connect their lips again but madi halted him in the process.
"matt..seriously come on"
she giggles out as he sighs out stares at her as she bites her lip slowly.
"yes madi you were saying"
he chuckles out
"matt if- if we do this"
she trails off motions towards them
"no one can know yet"
"okay"
he kind of chuckles at the concept
"im serious matt"
she exhales out looking at him as his face softens at her response
"at least until i figure out how to tell"
"chris"
"yeah because"
"i know i know"
he sighs out moving himself from in between her to next to her laying on her bed.
"jess' mom might be coming to boston"
"what that so cool"
"yeah she called her when i walked off tonight"
"oh"
"yeah"
"well im going to go"
he states standing up
"where"
she states worried
"dont worry just in the other room with chris maybe so you can get some sleep"
he chuckles out giving madi a forehead kiss as he walks out of her room.
Madi wakes up the next morning mentally face palming herself considering well she basically made out with Matt after literally confessing to both brothers she has feelings for them. she rolled out of bed hoping everything will return to normal. she shower and put on this And head downstairs to be met with the face of the one and only
"good morning"
"whats up how are you feeling"
"better just like jess said"
"jess"
"i talked to her last night after everything"
"oh okay hey madi listen forget everything i said last night i was just being stupid it was nothing"
he states quickly realizing he also confessed that he liked you.
"chris i dont think it was nothing you dont have to lie about it"
"no im being for real"
"christopher"
"what im serious"
"okay then sound cool"
she states heading back upstairs
"where are you going"
"to wake up matt and everyone else"
Chris couldnt understand why he said that he literally let her get away again. His thoughts were soon interrupted the sound of jess's doorbell ringing. He went over and opened the door to reveal
"oh hi there i was- where is jess"
jess mom trails off
"she's upstairs um"
he trailed off kind of awkwardly since he had no idea that this jess's mom as what sounded like jess's laugh approaching the bottom of the stair case. I turned to see jess walking down with Nick and Madi being carried down the stairs by matt. the lady at the door cleared her throat as they all snapped out of their trance looking in that direction
"Mom"
she exclaims running over and hugging her
"mom"
Chris questions
"yeah.. mom this is chris, matt, nick and then you remember madi"
she trails off as chris waves his hand
"Hi you all"
she says with a raised eyebrow smiling
"jess; mom"
she exlcaims hugging her after jess
"hey madi"
"when did you get here"
madi asks her
"last night when jess called"
Madi looks over at jess standing next to her as she shrugs her shoulders a little not wanting to talk about last night at all due to the fact she still felt the pit in her stomach of guilt of even allowing herself the like chris and not trust madi enough to even tell her that you liked him.
"so mom do you want to come on in then"
she states as madi and her both step aside to let her in
"how long are you going to be here for"
"just the weekend"
"maybe we can all go somewhere and just hang out for a little bit maybe grab dinner does that sound good guys"
she asks everyone
"im fine with that"
nick agrees nodding his head
"mom"
you question her
"sure plus i want to see all there is about Boston since this is my first time up here"
"well the triplets can definitely help point out those key spots since they've grown up here"
"literally"
chris chuckles out admiring jess' laugh slightly
"cool so do want me to ride with you"
"umm.. im going to ride with jess and her mom is that okay"
"uh yeah of course"
madi and you grab your shoes and they all head out the door.
"soo"
she trails off looking the mirror at the two girls in the backseat of the car
"what's going on with you and Matt Madi"
"uhh"
" yeah i was going to ask about that i mean i knew you guys made up because i saw him come outside after i left you after you came back home"
"umm i dont know what you guys are talking about"
"are you sure because i remember clearly you being carried down the stairs by him this morning"
"in a skirt too at that madii"
you exclaim dragging out the 'i' in your best friend's name
"oh come on what is that suppose to mean just because we made up doesn't mean we are dating"
"so your telling me he hasnt tried to make a move on you after everything that happened yesterday evening"
she asks as madi kind of stares off into space getting flashbacks to last night of literally her and matt making out in her driveway
"oh my god he totally did didnt he"
"what no jess no"
"madi"
jess's mom exclaims trying to get an answer out of her
"OKAY maybe we might have made out in the driveway at like 2 in the morning"
"MADISON"
you exclaim at your best friend with your jaw dropped
"what i mean its wasnt like terrible"
she shyly replies.
"that you made out with your bestfriend the best friend you liked for literally ever or that he was actually good at making out"
"OH MY GOODNESS"
madi exclaims embarrassed
" just asking"
"OH MY GOD NO"
"it was definitely the second option"
you giggle out
"shut up Jess"
she exclaims pushing some of her hair behind her ear opening her phone
"just make sure you do and know what your heart wants madi"
"of course always"
Taglist
@dirtylittleheart333 @stayingstromboli @wh0resstuff @mintsturniolo @spicymuffins03 @emely9274
#sturniolo imagine#sturniolo triplets x reader#matt sturniolo#matt sturniolo x you#matt sturniolo fanfic#chris x reader#christopher sturniolo#chris sturniolo#nick sturniolo#sturniolo triplets smut#girlypopsquad🩵
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so i lost my keys today for the first time in my life and im totally fucked.
#i spent HOURS looking#but i know i have to have lost them on this 0.8 mile long strip#cause i had them when i locked my car#and didnt have them when i arrived at my office door#and even though it was fucking 5 degrees out i retraced my steps twice#and asked every receptionist at all 10 buildings i passed by#and even went to multiple desks in some buildings#and no fucking luck. i even talked to the POLICE i was that desperate#they have my building key apartment key mail key and car keys#plus keys to my dads place and my best friends place#and a key to my work building and a keycard to my office and a keycard for my jiu jitsu studio#and a keychain i like is on it.#i lost ALL of that#my friend was able to drive me home and give me their copies of keys to my place#so i was able to get home but im fucking upset#and the cost to replace the car keys is going to be like $200. im really upset#if im lucky someone will have turned them in somewhere... the keycard has the name of the building i work in on it#so maybe itll make its way there#i legit downloaded REDDIT and YIK YAK to make posts about it. thats how desperate i am#tree talks
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Honestly though I think it’s really a bad sign when I look at Shin Tsukimi and literally feel like he’s a self insert 😩
#the klock keeps ticking#yttd#i wanna replay yttd so bad but i also like Gotta play other stuff with the time i have akskks#but yeah the brainrot this specific character has given me idk if I ever really talked about it but it was BAD#i like obsessively played the game in like 3 days and it was not a good idea lol but just like shin#i had to take like a week to recover from this guy cuz i couldnt stop thinking about him and how hes just like me fr#first off just the very inconsistent personality hes got going on that is very me he has these different personalities he wears to cope with#all the traumatic shit happening hes both so helpless its comical and so manipulative its terrifying#and idk its really interesting how like good and bad he is at being manipulative like hes very smart and can analyze weaknesses and lie so#good not even he knows the truth but hes also grasping at straws he doesnt think things through at all#like the second main game he just didnt prepare at all hes fumbling his way through everything its going so bad#he just wants to go home he wants to outdo the game makers but hes being used by them so bad he wants it to STOP#and its just the way that like. it hits so hard cuz you know hes really not a bad person not at all he doesnt want any of this hes just#being horribly manipulated and doing whatever he can to survive but its also really scary how#well hes able to lie and manipulate and claw his way through but hes also weaker than a grade schooler#and you never forget that either and as much as he cheated his way through he still failed it was all just a cheap trick in the end#and all of this hits very hard like his personality is eerily similar to mine and just the way he thinks and acts#cuz im the same like im weak and a dweeb who likes funny cats but im also emotionally detached and observant and selfish#but where it hits the hardest is his relationship with midori like oooof that one was too real just like#the first person who was ever his friend was horribly abusive and treated him like a child and didnt respect any boundaries#and he just got sick pleasure out of seeing shin be upset and he was like. a groomer#and shin was fucking relieved when he died but also kept his scarf and adopted his personality to survive#and still goes by sou after ch2 and the scene that gets me the most is when shin ai is asked about his relationship with midori#and you can just SEE how horrified shin is because his deepest shame his abuse is being shared to everyone without his consent#and hes reliving it all in that moment and literally seeing who he used to be experiencing the abuse#he just curls into himself and like covers his ears and pulls his hair thats literally what i do AAAAAA#im just so grateful for the direction they took this character kokichi ouma wishes he was shin tsukimi so bad#and yeah just like damn. its scary how similar i am to shin like damn i really am going through it huh oof#I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I WILL DEFEND HIM WITH MY LIFE HE DID ALL OF THAT STUFF YOUR HONOR BUT LISTENNNN#have you considered that hes cute and smart and weird and maybe just needs friends who arent assholes
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Ignore
#delete later#god i wish i was neurotypical#found out my flatmate is going to be away for a few days after they left and bc id had no warning my anxiety spiked so hard#that i had such a wave of nausea i had to lie down#idk why that fucking happened. ridiculous. irs not like it really affects that much. just the thing of my home being changed in any way#without warning freaks me the fuck out. couldnt do any work til id laid under my weighted blanket at lunch#and like obvs this is an entirely me thing. i dont expect my flatmates to tell me every detail of what they're doing#not sure how to keep myself from freaking over it though. will think on it#but yeah. if i was neurotypical id be fine. i also want to play ky video games after work but im akways so exhausted that all i can do#is lie in bed under my weighted blanket. it is so frustrating. im so tired. not helped that pain is fucking me up in new ways#so im also upset aboit that. and that christmas is approaching abd that changes the routine completely#and is always overwhelming#but this year im staying home so i will be able to keep it quiet and low key and it'll be just me so i dont have to think about#masking in any way which is kind of nice as even the vibe of Christmas takes a lot oit of me#i enjoy the thought of it and always hate the day. same as my birthday. fun in theory. incredibly stressful actually#idk whether it's work stressing me oit long term but right now any change to what im expecting from my routine is making me#so so so frustrated and upset#i had to go get meds after work on tiesday and became so upset by it that i was awake until 1am and was super nauseous#not enjoying that as a primary symptom of anxiety rn. i find eating hard enough as it is#the hair washing routine has given ne sone stability this week which was very nice abd made me feel calm. abd mt physio routine#the energy it takes to do it is outweighed by the relief i get when ive done that part of my routine and then go to bed#work is hard. working full time is so hard. im coping but not well. defo think i need to try getting regular therapy sessions if only#to help me plan for what i need to do and work through coping strategies bc im really hitting a wall. i need to problem solve all#these things but im so exhausted that i can't. so they just keep piling up
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getting bitched at for being on crutches, getting bitched at for being in a wheelchair - or NOT in a wheelchair - getting bitched at for WALKING TOO SLOW ON A CANE like my family needs to fuck off and leave me ALONE
#stream#QUIT TRUING TONUSE ME AS A BATTERING RAM AND MAYBE ID SIT IN THE FUCKING CHAIR U ASSHOLES#ITS BC NONE OF YALL KNOW HOW TO PUSH THIS THING W/O MY LEG GETTING MORE BROKE THAN ME WALKING ON IT MYSWLF#SO FUCKING ANNOYING#‘we didn’t bring this wheelchair …’ YEA BC U DIDNT NEED TO BC I SAID FUCKINGN NOT TO#DONT PISS ME OFF#my family is soooooo ANNOYING#like can i WALK ? CAN I WALK ? the only time y’all decide to haul ass is when i’m fucking BROKEN smh#like u know what y’all do ur tours im staying home and minding my#own business not getting bitched at thanks#the most enjoyable part#i could just go buy wine & beer & just get trashed & watch youtube#vacation#‘we don’t want u more broke than u are now’ THEN QUIT ACTING LIKE IM TOO BROKEN TO WALK OR TOO ABLE TO BE BROKEN#FUCKING PICK ONE#oh my god when my mother was like ‘oh u don’t want to use the wheelchair ? u want to use crutches ? u want to carry ur bag too ?’ like yea l#let me PULL A SUITCASE w my fucking CLAWED COCK bc my hands are TOTALLY free and NOT filled w crutches#give me a fucking BREAK#don’t get upset when i SNAP either bc y’all are so fucking ridiculous
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the difference between me graduating as a math major with no concentration and a pure math major is ONE FUCKING ELECTIVE but since they aren't offering a summer class i have to take id have to take four math classes in one semester (plus 2 non math classes) to take the elective ☹️☹️☹️☹️
#this is so genuinely upsetting lol#them not offering that summer class has fucked like all of my plans im so upset abt it lmao#screams#there's literally nothing i can take over the summer lmao zero nada nothing#i liked my plan ☹️☹️☹️☹️#now i have to apply for internships if i don't want to stay home all summer (ill kms) which is so much work#and there aren't even rly internships in the stuff i want to do#i wish i had a car then i could take a class at a different university and transfer it#but i wouldn't be able to get there ☹️
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I just got a noise complaint. For "loud talking". Which only could have been from me talking ON THE PHONE with someone because I LITERALLY LIVE ALONE AND HAVENT HAD ANYONE OVER IN OVER A MONTH.
And im pretty sure its from a particular phone call with my friend one night at the horrid deadly late hour of 11pm, and it was because I couldnt sleep and wanted some fucking emotional support, and halfway through the call i laughed at something and heard someone knocking on my wall.
Like i know im probably more angry about this than normal because my depression is making me irritable but it honestly just really pisses me off because it feels so fucking isolating to tell someone who LIVES ALONE to fucking WHISPER on the phone inside of my own apartment. Like. Im not screaming, its not 4am. I get that people go to bed early but i also live downtown and you can ALWAYS hear noises from the streets, and people have talked waaay louder than me in the halls before and Ive never complained. And it bothers me too because like Im barely even home. I work 3 jobs plus school right now. I have 3 days a week where im out of the house between 7am and 9pm, and yet im still getting complaints about TALKING in my own apartment. The letter (from my landlord, mind you, so it was an "official" noise complaint that they went to my LANDLORD about) literally said "loud talking". Not yelling. Not screaming. Loud talking.
In my own home. At 11pm.
Im tired, man. I dont have the energy for this shit. Like maybe get some earplugs if my speaking bothers you too much.
#d speaks#sorry i just needed to get this out#im so fucking tired and ive been so depressed and to come home and be told that#one of the only things helping me cope rn (being able to call my friend and feel less alone) is being complained about really hurts#plus im already insecure bc i know i struggle with volume control sometimes (adhd hi) but i really dont think i was being that loud#and it just threw me back to when i was younger and people were always telling me to stop talking so much#idk man im overreacting i know#like my feelings are valid but my reaction is disproportionate#but its just really upsetting idk#sorry for the rant lol
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I cant keep up with this
#gamer txt.#vent#i guess? thats my intent anyways#im just. so tired all of the time#im stressed to the point of wanting to cry nearly everyday now#and i know thats not good to hold in so i keep telling myself 'ill cry when i get home ill cry when i get home'#as if that isn't multiple hours from then when i wont feel like crying again#when id have to make myself cry#but i cant do that i know how i get it'll go too far and I'll spiral#but i cant keep holding it in#and i cant just cry in the moment because im in public#and it keeps happening. everyday#i get so stressed out and upset and i cant do anything about it#and now theres been a sudden role swap and ill be essentially performing in front of my whole class first thing in the fucking morning#and because im babysitting tonight ill only have 3 more days to work on the sonic plushie#if i have the motivation to work on the sonic plushie#and theres the prelims next month and all my teachers telling me study study study as if ive always been able to do that#as if i have the free time currently to do that#and i just i cant keep doing this i need to stop i need to take a break but im not going to get one and i dont know what to do
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god everything sucks so bad right now
#big BIG vent in the tags heed the warning#cw pet loss#i don't even know where to start actually#im just a mess right now and i haven't even been able to say or type or think too hard about. the most important thing#god this sucks#my cat bunny. the one who's really nervous around everyone but trusts me. my girl#she hasn't been acting quite right lately so my mom took her to the vet and they say she has spinal cancer#and there's nothing we can do#and it's progressing really fast#she was fine just a few days before i left for college this semester#i haven't seen her in a month. month and a half#and now im going home for the weekend as an emergency visit and it's the last time i'll get to be with her.#this week has been fucking horrible it's midterms and i haven't been able to focus or study or think#im almost grateful ive been so busy with assignments because everytime i don't have anything i Have to do i breakdown#i had to ask one of my professors for an extension because im a wreck right now and he seemed like he almost didn't believe me too#he was like 'wellllll if it's an emergencyyy 😒'#sir i put my shirt on backwards and didn't notice literally all day i cannot write a fucking midterm essay like this#and i can't really talk about any of this either bc im always aware that if i kill the vibe too much people won't want to hang out with me#and just to make things a little bit worse i keep seeing people adopting cats or posting that theirs just had kittens everywhere#im just so upset. bunny is the most important thing in the world to me#in my worst moments when ive needed something to get me through it the fact that i can't leave her alone has been at the top of the list#i don't know how im gonna be able to be home without her#i fucking hate this#sorry for doomer posting go do something uplifting#delete later
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and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do
#im not smart or talented or hot enough to have a source of income working from home.#i dont have a ged or a kicense or a way to get to work or much experience + ive got a steadily fucking growing gap in my employment history.#And i have essentially 0 social skills i barely Function half the time im dissociated or just crying. im weak and out of shape and#not pretty im like. unhireable i think . and again even if a place did hire me I dont have a way to fucking get 2 work#i might be able to walk 2 a place if i had been at work for a while bc if be more used to being on my feet and active again. its take a#while and id be in a Lot of pain but like. itd be doable. and once i worked for s bit i could get lyfts even tho Expensive also idk that#there as many drivers here. and wtvr. but if i did that itd be Less money to help my family and less money to save up toget my own place and#atp maybe its selfish of me to want my own place and i need to judt be more grateful im allowed 2 stay here . yk#idk. im so tired i just need like. idk. ik the only way is to just get through it and get a job and make it work but it feels so pointless#everything always does. i cant keep getting over hurdles man im so fucking tired of getting through hurdles#every single day is Difficult and every single day is the Same and any time j manage to have a good day ill just go right back to feeling#exactly the same. and even if it looks like everythings better for a bit it all goes back down eventually and ik im supposed to be like But#itll get better again after that <3 ups and downs are a part of life <3 we have to have the bad to appreciate the good <3 im just fucking#sick of the goddamn bad im fucking sick of it ive had enough bad i want good. ik other ppl deserve it more i want everybody to have good#days and be safe and happy i don't want things to keep getting worse but everything just gets worse and all the good parts r tempirary and#im so tired. I am not your strongest soldier bro !!!#idk. i just want to be atable i dont need anything crazy i just want my family to live comfortably and to have enough money that i can#donate i rly donot need much i dont need that much food 2 survive i dont need a ton of space i dont need a nide house i like. i just want to#be Stable and know that everything will be ok. yk. at least 4 my family i want them all to be able to eat and the bills 2 be paid and#hopefully for lamp and the kids 2 go to college. bc lamp and tag both want to go to college and itsy is 6 so he soesnt care#but i want them to be able to so bad bc i can't and i ws never gonna be able to and i dont get to be whiny abt that but like. they want to#and theyre smart and passionate and like. i want them to be able to achieve their dreams and get to have normal lives and be fulfilled and#happy. yk. idk. annie showed me her schoolwork the other day and since it wa first week at like. an alt school it ws a lot of personality#type stuff and mental health stuff and im not gonna get into it bc its not mine to tell but. their answers for one of the things made me so#upset bc it sounded so much like me when i was their age and even now and it makes me feel so guilty that like. i didnt make it better for#them. im the one whos supposed to endure it and then theyre supposed to get to be happy but im too fuckinf weak nowadays and i can't keep#any of them safe or happy and i feel so insanely useless. i hate it i just want to be useful idc anymore like. i want to be good i want to#be helpful i want to be cared abt and its so selfish bc a part of me is like. Ohh wahhh we shouldnr have to do all that to be cared abt wahh#and its dumb bc Yes i do its my job. it just fucking sucks rn bc like i have all the like. sorrow over this being what i have to do and this#is my lot in life but i also have all the guilt over how im not doing it bc km lazy and selfish and i cant just work bc im . Ugh
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And the cycle begins anew . As it does every week
#vent continued in tags sorry gang#every fucking monday ma ends up pissed and yelling about SOMETHING#sorry that im taking the meds that actually help and im not miserable and in pain all the time and throwing up all the time and i didn't#hear the baby making a mess at four in the morning . shocker that the meds that knock me out would prevent me from waking up to hear that#and its not like i can even be upset that she's mad . i was mad . i am mad . i did my best to clean it up#and its not like he only got into her shit. he got into my shit too. he ruined and wasted my stuff too.#when he was able to get into my room and destroy things all the time it was always “dont act like that#he doesn't understand . you cant be mad at him#why would you leave it out if you didn't want it destroyed“ as if i had any other fucking option#maybe if i didn't have fuckin . 8 sheets of drywall (?)#two metal floor vents and a fucking DOOR just sitting in my room i'd have space fo put my stuff and i wouldn't bitch about it#he doesn't get into my room anymore because i have a lock that i have to carry the key for around 24/7#but i do myfucking best to keep him from getting into shit but i CANT DO THAT ALL THE TIME#ESPECIALLY NOT AT FOUR IN THE MORNING WHEN HE IS ACTIVELY BEING SNEAKY AND IM SO KNOCKED OUT I COULD WOULD AND HAVE SLEPT THROUGH TORNADO#SIRENS . SHOCKER THAT HES ABLE TO DESTROY SHIT WHEN IM IN SUCH A STATE . WHO COULD'VE PREDICTED THIS .#im trapped here i can never fucking leave jesus christ#i can never leave. what the hell am i gonna do#i cant do this for the rest of my life . i want to move away so bad but i cant even do that#im too disabled to work like i need to to support myself i cant move to another state but its the only way i'd be able to escape this#unless i move to fuckin . chicago or some shit#god i hate it here i hate myself for not being able to handle it and being upset and being dramatic about it all#and i hate myself for being so tired of it because i dont have any excuse and i hate myself for being so upset that im not able to have#a social life and being jealous of my younger coworkers that talk about hanging out with their friends or like . goin to the fucking park#on a weekday and not being constantly messaged about how bad their baby brother is and how they need to come home asap and#how they aren't wrecked by the guilt of being out even on the weekends and i hate that im so jealous of them#and i hate how embarrassing it is that im the only one of my coworkers who doesn't get asked what they're doing on weekdays anymore because#everybody knows exactly what im doing. im staying at home watching the baby#and i hate how humiliated i am every time one of my friends cancels plans last minute and i hate that i lie to my ma about why plans change#god that got long and obnoxious . sorry gang (me rereading my tags later)#puppmeo misery
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SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK
#i was like huh whats that noise. bc i can normally NEVER hear anything over my headphones but it was the rain fucking shattering it down#my bed is WET the window was only open a few inches 😭#anyway had no signal at work again today smfh. but at least they let me on the bus free on the way there this morning#still a bit wobbly im in the baby deer phase of post major depressive episode#roommate asked how i was doing when she got home and i very very nearly started crying but i didnt i was so brave#my insane insecurity and anger swings post rsd episode have mostly faded too thank fuck. only took 4 days which is pretty good for me#but im still so so tired it takes everything out of me...#when im recovered + can talk abt it without making myself upset again im promising myself i will talk to her abt the rsd if nothing else#but i really really dont want to make her feel bad abt it at all its genuinely not anyones fault. but its important to me that i say smth#just so we can avoid it happening again where possible bc it does really suck so bad. for everyone im sure but mostly me here#and i would like to be able to care abt ppl and have close friends without risking my entire mental (+ physical..) wellbeing 😭#i think if im still struggling w mood once my meds stabilise i might ask if there are options to help w that too#like i think ive gone as far as i can w therapeutic techniques rn. its just too overwhelmingly intense and reflexive for me to apply that#and i dont feel like i live my life around it or in fear of it anymore like generally i have been a lot better#but when im vulnerable and it DOES strike i have no defense against it whatsoever and it can tank everything for weeks#its just high stakes. and it'll help to make sure ppl know abt it and might be able to support etc but it would be nice to never worry abt#so worth trying meds for it maybe. i just dont rly wanna have the conversations w medical ppl in order to get it in the first place#like i wouldnt feel safe telling a doctor abt it bc the idea of someone with that authority having power over me is terrifying#ah well this isnt a problem for right now. plus stimulants might help me w it anyway once im finished titrating so we'll see#got so distracted typing this i forgot what i was gonna do.... i need to check my planner#and then ill probably read and go to sleep early i think zzzzz#ahhh.. and the birds are singing outside now the rain has stopped :-)#.diaries
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i hate being on the verge of tears in public !!! and it’s about fucking kpop i need to get a grip!!!!!!!$;73&38&2$.!’$/$3!/‘j$€{€!{£&jhhdjdhwijwgeieiehhejeiddggdneiwiwhuwjeieuebidnejskaowhhrbdieiruruidieieiehndozi&$:$£7:)3&k$$;$&jhdhiahJh
#only feeling a little bit upset tho!!!! RJUDJDK#HAHAHA I DONT EVEN CARE#I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE RESEARCH BEFORE GETTING MY HOPES UP LIKE THIS#HONESTLY FUCK KQ SO MUCH#OBVIOUSLY THEY SUCK BC#DUH ALL KPOP COMPANIES DO#AND I HATE THE THINGS THEY DO MOST OF THE TIME#BUT GOD#IM STILK UPSET#why did i expect anything decent god#basically since last tour i’ve planned and saved up to get vip tix!#ofc to be closer to the stage since i was in nosebleeds last time#but also because vip had hi touch and maybe even meet and greet if those are different idk whatever#and i was so so set on getting hi touch next time they toured#and now their touring and there is no hi touch or meet and greet whatsoever#and the prices are like triple compared to last time#and presale is tomorrow and i don’t even know what to do for tickets anymore#obviously i’m so so excited and lucky and privileged to be able to see them at all#as long as presale doesn’t sell out before i get anything lol#but still#i’m just having trouble getting over this part of it right now :((#and every time i think about it too hard or look at them or listen to their music i get real close to crying!!#i’m just really disappointed and i’ll probably sob about it when i get home to start getting over it lmao#anyways i don’t have any feelings about it tho!!#again i recognize this is such a spoiled thing to complain about and im sorry if its annoying to read abt!!#i so get that#i used to think i’d never even get to go to concerts at all and ik some people can’t#some people can’t even buy albums and that kind of thing so i do apologize for complaining about having money basically#i just saved up for so long and got so excited :((
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Ok mum talked to me like an adult now that she’s slept instead of sulking and apparently slamming the door as she came in was to ‘slam the door on me’
#not as upset as earlier#and she waited to have dad drive her to the hospital but didn’t wake me up to let me know so I could turn off do not disturb oops#and yeah I should’ve just gone to bed earlier so I would be awake when I normally am#but usually in my days off I end up feeling so guilty about waking mum up that I’ll just stay in bed until noon or so hungry and all#so I stay up later without guilt#and I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital bc I could take her to the city er and she said no so I didn’t expect her to go with him#and then need a ride while I was still asleep#ACTUALLY WHILE IM AT IT#I DIDNT EVEN GET HER TO GET ME FROM THE ER WHEN I HAD DAD DROP ME OFF THERE LAST TIME EITHER#because I can’t rely on her and she’d be asleep and would probably tell me to take a taxi anyway#and so I didn’t even expect her to answer the phone even if it woke her up let alone actually come get me from the hospital.#and another time I took the fucking bus#which. when I’m in a condition to go to the hospital and then have to walk home from the bus stop…#I should be better#but also 👀 I know it’s hard. but it’s been nearly a decade since I got my license and had to do everything myself#but it would be nice to be able to even *think* that you would do the same for me#and a VERY VERY PETTY part of me is like#ah yes. waiting for that long. I also had to wait that long at after grad when you swore you would be able to#family
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I miss my comfort zone I wish I'd stayed in my comfort zone
#this might be too much i think im gonna barf#maybe not but it feels like it#if someone mentions it im going to#its not a bad change necessarily but it might be too much#i really wish i could drive myself home right now#NO#IT NEEDED TO HAPPEN ANYWAYS#oh theres no context#im freaking out because i bleached my roots because they were growing out#im very picky about things staying the same when i do to school#otherwise i have a nervous breakdown and throw up#but this isnt that big#i look the same as before#i shouldnt think of every little change as scary and im not going to stand out because of this#i mean not anymore than i already did#BUT THERES A CERTAIN LEVEL!!#OF DIFFERENT THAT I LET MYSELF BE!!#god its been almost three years i need to get over it#my roots are ORANGE though#im so fucking upset about that#theyre not SUPER orange youd have to stare at them to be able to tell but#orange enough that theres a difference#im getting them fixed this weekend its fine
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...
#ok putting this all in the tags but i just need to get this out of my head right now in a tangible way#but i just feel so fucking trapped by my own body right now and have had three breakdowns already becauze of it#for the last month or so i have essentially been cut off from the outside world and even the beings i love with right now#all thanks to my godsdamned immune system and lungs#because since i moved in my allergies have become hyper-active and aggravated my asthma to the point i still struggle to just talk#or even breathe without sounding like a human squeak toy or bagpipe#because of that i havent been able to talk with friends online in vc even though id love to#i cant go outside because that sets off my allergies and im afraid theres gonna be another allergen that actually drives me to use my epi#AND im incredibly limited in my home now as i am very allergic to all three pets whose hair is EVERYWHERE#and worst of all#the one pet i am the most allergic to is our cat Mochi who i absolutely love and she loves me more than anyone else#and she is getting so so so skinny and old and wont be around much longer#but i cant give her all the love and affection she deserves for being my precious Motorboat#because my allergies will very quickly decide that breathing is no longer an option if i breathe in too much hair#and her cat hair will become a landmine of allergies thatll be kicked up whenever that area is disturbed#and my hands are already getting so dried out from all the hand washing#and i am just so upset by this#and essentially grieving the fact i wont be able to give her as much love and affection as i want to before she passes#and i may need to move my computer setup into my bedroom as its the one place that can be kept pet free#and i just... gods i hate this so much... ;-;#like im scared to even try and push these allergies because if they get aggrivated then they make life hell#everything itches and it becomes so hard to just breathe normally (let alone even be able to talk to my family) for like a week afterwards#and i just.... i just want to pet and give my Mochi affection while shes still here#but shes getting so so bony and is having a harder time moving around to even fet up into her cat tree ;-;#idk how much longer she has left vut i know that it'll be a long time before my allergy shots can make my allergy to her manageable#and i just... i dont know what to do and i hate it ;-;
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