#so idk. it was kind of a throwaway line but it still got me! when are he and lilia gonna meet for reals :(

[vaguely-concerned]

I’m on a Star Wars books roll so here we go with my — unhinged thanks for asking! — thoughts on Dooku: Jedi Lost, specifically the audio play. Short version: I fucking loved this one! For maximum emotional devastation, pair with Master and Apprentice and Padawan the way my stupid ass did and then be sad about it forever I guess that's what I’m going to have to do.

 Long (LONG oopsie) version:

- So. First of all, let’s get the most important thing out of the way on this here old man yaoi website. We all agree dooku and sifo dyas explored each other’s bodies right. Or at least definitely would have if not for the laws of this order etc., potentially. That’s not just me. Good. Thank you. We can now move on 

- Secondly. Well. Guess I’m just going to be inconsolable about Sifo-Dyas forever now. I miss the days in which he was just a throwaway line in AotC spawned by a random misspelling to me, rather than an eternal raw aching wound in my heart

- poor poor ventress just reading through all the proof that dooku absolutely does have it in him to be a good dad I mean master and just — idk got tired of that and went the force lightning route with her. I love the move of having her dead master hang out with her all that time as well (having her slip up and refer to ‘us’ did something to me, god this is so sad. Is he actually there in spirit or is it just her grief dreaming him up because dooku is awful and cold as a cliff  wall and she needs some kind of attachment figure even if she’ll have to reinvent him herself, rebuild him word for word, gesture by gesture. Pain. sorry about your terrible track record with father figures asajj) 

- Lene: (About Averross): He hasn’t changed. 

Dooku: (In the warmest fondest voice you ever heard) And I hope he never does

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF? MUST I SET MYSELF ON FIRE TO ESCAPE THE PAIN???

Another strong showing for Rael in general, btw. He’s so warm and charming as a presence even though he’s also a little chaos gremlin. (He’s quite similar to how Sifo-Dyas was when he was young in some ways, I can definitely start to see what Dooku responds warmly to in terms of character traits.) 

- the fact that good ol’ sheev showed an interest in rael, dooku and anakin… interesting huh! He’s just got a soft spot for the disaster lineage I suppose, maybe there’s an element there of luring yoda’s most direct lineage into the dirt with him without yoda even noticing for the longest time. Also cackling at the idea that he looked at qui-gon ‘too fucking stubborn and insufferable to fall to the dark side out of sheer spite’ jinn and went ‘...not that one tho’ fhdskjfa. And obi-wan is more like ‘that one blorbo all my little guys seem wild about but I just don’t get it guys’ 

IF rael’s refusal to join dooku at the end of ‘master and apprentice’ is the last word (which I am not convinced of ;___; be safe cowboy jedi we never see in mainline canon so far), then he’s the only one who has dodged palpatine’s attentions. Wonderful if true love that for him

ALSO rael is one of the few people we know to be on (or at least to consider himself on despite what palps might think lol) first name basis with palpatine. Hilarious. I concur with dooku never change rael 

- Sifo-Dyas: That’s insane. 

Dooku, deadpan: Yes.

Sifo-Dyas: The worst plan I’ve ever heard.

Dooku, somehow even more deadpan: Most probably. 

Sifo-Dyas: I’m in. 

Crying… weeping and dying………… what if someone could have helped sifo with his unfortunate prophecy propensity and they hadn’t drifted apart. Clone Wars averted methinks if dooku still ended up leaving the order he would have been too busy having tender gay sex with the love of his life (and only person who can call him out on his shit and have him actually listen) to be a war criminal (I am being extremely facetious of course this is very much a ‘time traveler killing baby hitler’ situation where the underlying forces causing this point in history are way too powerful to avert the catastrophe in one move. but at least palps would probably have had to pick someone else to wreck the galaxy through and sifo-dyas would be kissed & held instead of going slowly mad. A net plus some (I, me) would say) 

- I just wanted to applaud both the writing and the voice acting for the characterization of Dooku in this, from his young self trying so hard to be haughty and self-possessed but also being like, y’know, twelve and a dweeb and easy for Sifo-Dyas to pull into trouble, to the dry wit and warmth he shows with Rael and Qui-Gon or his sister later. It took me a little while to get into the voice acting specifically (the actor makes no attempt at going the full Christopher Lee, which in hindsight was probably wise), but now I love it. It gets a bit goofy in places but you know what, I am a long time lover of audio plays, that’s part of the charm 

- “Master, have I done something wrong?”

My heart is clenching… do you think… that master yoda’s deal with leaving his student to try fucking everything to have some kind of relationship with him until he just breaks down in tears of despair… is the kind of thing that maybe started a little bit of a generational trauma cartwheel through the ages. The point that bb!dooku is arrogant isn’t without merit and he strikes out incredibly ungracefully about it (in fact I would be a lot more worried than yoda seems to be that he decides to try to kill a tree about it, ‘I felt like destroying something beautiful’-style)  but I just don’t think a… fourteen year old? A teen anyway, Is going to learn what you think he learns from this. I simply don’t believe that silent treatmenting kids will teach them emotional intelligence I guess especially if they already struggle with that naturally lol 

(It is exactly the same mistake (in my opinion) that Qui-Gon makes with Obi-Wan, too, just leaving the kid completely alone and forcing them to come to you every which way for comfort or guidance instead of meeting them or reaching out to them. Especially once you see that really Dooku’s prime emotion/big core wound right from the beginning is loneliness. And that doesn’t only come from a feeling of superiority (which to be sure is also a big factor), because he has no idea where he comes from until he meets his sister. I don’t think the jedi as a whole were unsalvageable by any stretch of the imagination, but Yoda specifically… you are on such very thin ice with me at this point you little green fuck. You’re very funny and moving in yoda dark rendezvous and that’s all that’s keeping you in my somewhat good graces.)

- Okay, coming back a bit later I think I’ve found the right words to say this. more precisely dooku has two big issues which you can later see haunting all the way down his lineage — loneliness and control. (and not incidentally the intersecting elements of the two haha.) We see from his relationship to sifo-dyas that he’s not incapable of having close mutual relationships with an equal, but that kind of crashed and burned for reasons neither of them could really help and after that it seems quite telling that he has the easiest time with deeper connection in a teacher-student sort of form. I think his affection is unconditional and real, but you can’t get away from the fact that he also has the most control in that relationship structure by default, he gets to dictate what form it takes to a big extent. He doesn’t trust other people — the underlying idea ‘Only I can do this’ that eventually leads him down the Separatist path is there the whole way. It speaks both to a sense of superiority and an utter lack of faith that other people can or will help him. And then that echoes down through the master-padawan line: 

Qui-Gon with his self-righteousness and utter refusal to compromise leaving him isolated among the jedi (only he is right. Yeah the Force told him so. Don’t worry I’ve got a permit *insert parks and rec I can do whatever I want meme here*), Obi-Wan with his anxiety and perfectionism and incredible sense of shame and responsibility that he should be able to carry the whole world on his shoulders alone and beating himself up for failing, all feeding into not knowing what to do with Anakin and his complete lack of control of himself and his desperation to gain and maintain connection and love (which earns him the title of ‘Dooku’s least favorite family member’ fhdsa his immediate disdain for him is so funny and so in character. Repress and go slowly mad like a normal person anakin the way you’re carrying on is just undignified and that is much worse than being evil)… 

- Rael gently telling Dooku to take on another padawan soon… so sweet, so sad, local cowboy jedi looking out for his dad. Also highlights something about Dooku I think is true: that he does much better and seems to have an easier time holding to the light when he’s responsible for someone else. Again, I do feel like Dooku’s core problem is loneliness, but it seems like raising kids is the one point where that relaxes somewhat. Maybe if Sifo-Dyas had stayed in a better mental place and they kept in touch it could have been different.

- Lene Kostana is SUCH a character! Charismatic and deeply fucked up, when it’s revealed how her and Sifo-Dyas’ relationship remains long after his padawan stage is done I felt a little bit sick, to my surprise. Because that could just be kindness on her part, of course, it’s good that he has someone he trusts to look after him when he can’t himself, but also there’s something… queasy about the way it keeps him continually young, in a way. (Notably he still calls her ‘master’ even as an adult, when they’re working together. Not uncommon in Star Wars, of course, but together with everything else going on vibes-wise… hm.) The inherent unreliable narration of this story really worked for me in this regard especially — do we know that young Dooku was entirely wrong when he sensed the dark side in her? She certainly is willing to go to lengths that are… worrying! in her fascination with sith shit, she tempted children into a dangerous place they didn’t understand and couldn’t know the consequences of and she continually puts sifo-dyas in situations that are implied to be a risk to worsening his condition. Run of the mill incredibly irresponsible at best, sincerely sinister at worst. Did she choose Sifo over Dooku because he’s more vulnerable and shapeable? There is an undercurrent of something icky and emotionally incest-y going on with how she relates to Dooku and Sifo-Dyas in general (right down to the ‘NO, no one can know about this’ intensity after the… evil moss cave. I can’t believe I’m this emotional about a book with an evil moss cave). I don’t think she’s a proper sith in any way and I also believe there is real affection there on all sides, but idk something about the whole thing makes me deeply uneasy. Yoda where the fuck are you your son is out there with his irresponsible mom again they’re looking for dirty needles in haystacks and they’re not even wearing any gloves

- dooku telling sifo-dyas he can come back to haunt him if he likes as a joke… well well well I’m sure that doesn’t ring with some dramatic irony at some point down the line lmao

- honestly looking back at master and apprentice after reading jedi lost makes qui-gon's apparent lack of reaction to dooku leaving seem — let's call it highly suspect haha. rael asks him if he's spoken to dooku after and qui-gon is like 'no. why would I. it's literally fine. anyway this topic is done now'. (and rael seems to just go ‘*older brotherly knowing* uh-huh’) meanwhile he's thinking about dooku *all the time* trying to figure out his role as master to obi-wan, thinking about being a padawan himself, the parts of his life he shared with both dooku and rael. The jedi doth protest too much methinks  

ALSO how much of qui-gon thinking the council was too lenient with rael after he had to kill his padawan is about that actual situation, and how much is a ‘our family still likes my older brother more than me even though he Fucked Up so bad and breaks just as many rules as I do’ sort of deal mixed with his own neuroses about how he’s failing obi-wan (to which rael’s situation symbolizes the worst possible outcome, i.e. the kid dies and it’s basically your fault). Many thoughts. 

- moment of silence for jenza of house serenno. Girl your only sin was being surrounded by asshole male family members and I’m so sorry I think you did all you could with what you had to work with here.

Not… entirely sure how dooku’s claim to the title supersedes hers — is he a year older than her? (she’s eleven when they first meet, he might be twelve or older at that point I don’t remember haha) Does she just give up her place in the inheritance order? Are primogeniture and male heir preference factors in Serenno inheritance law? Not the most important thing honestly it works anyway thematically but could have been clarified quickly!

- interesting to see that the council’s restrictive policy against engaging with prophecies had a surprisingly big impact on how things went down. Kostana has a lot of responsibility in Sifo’s fate for insisting he keep it secret, but there is genuine fear for what might become of him if the rest of the order finds out he’s got 24/7 futurevision hovering over him threateningly… listen it’s not like the poor guy can help getting the future constantly pumped into his brain at nightmare resolutions, I think maybe if there had been more willingness to at least engage curiously with the concept of prophecy and how it works, even if you don’t put your faith in the particulars of what the prophecies say, this wouldn’t have had to be such a shitty isolated secretive life for him. hearing him slowly fall apart over the years considering how bright and lovely he started out... oof is all I can say 

- when dooku was a good jedi he was such a good jedi!!! The scene where they’re saving the kids from the collapsing hospital, every time he teaches his students anything…the impulse of someone has to do something about this! that made him so good at saving lives turning dark with the tarnish of frustration and rage over the years… nooooooooo problematic grandpa why did it have to be like this :(

- …do you think infant jedi can sense what’s going on around them in the Force. Because it makes a very sad kind of sense if dooku on some level remembers bodily or in the Force that he was not only abandoned but rejected in disgust as one of the first things he discovered in the world. Oh boy. With all the ways attachment relationships can go wonky in the first few years in real life I don’t even want to consider how much more wrong it can go when the baby is fucking psychic lol

- vaguely related: the way dooku seems to find the very idea of being truly reliant on anyone, emotionally or otherwise, personally offensive, terrifying and humiliating lol. Yoda saves him from being crushed by rubble and he is outraged because that means he can’t save himself (and his newfound sister) without anyone’s help like he thought for one glorious moment he could. The fantasy of perfect emotional self-sufficiency, doing away with all the messiness and risk of interpersonal relationships and cutting off the possibility of really being abandoned again. It’ll get ya every time. This is also a thing you see reflected in his lineage — they’re all quite inward-turning that way until you get to anakin, to different extents and with varying presentations but it is there I think. Qui-Gon turns to the Force, Obi-Wan to perfectionism and shame and rumination, Rael to the bottle and depression and hedonistic apathy, but they all struggle hugely with letting anyone in to help them. Dooku’s line are all much more comfortable being the helpers rather than the helpees, as it were.  

- “Thank you for everything, Lene. Tell Rael and Qui-Gon — tell them… tell them the Force will be with them, always”

Emotional terrorism against me specifically and personally. You asshole you just excused yourself from the non-attachment rules there’s literally nothing in the world except you to stop you from reaching out and telling your children you love them yOURSELF why are you like this

- the recurring theme of dooku seeing something beautiful (the tree in the temple, the tirra’taka as a child and an adult) and ending up lashing out to destroy it… but the tree was old and mighty and he was young and new and couldn’t truly harm it, so he was saved from his own impulsivity. And then when he sees the tirra’taka as an adult he loves it immediately. And in the end he still mangles and destroys it. He didn’t mean to, but he did. He woke it up and hurt it just by existing as a child and then he had to kill it as a mercy because he was too powerful at that point for anything to buffer his mistakes. The parallel with the bird he loved that he also couldn’t protect. He starts out with an aching loneliness somewhere at the core of him through no real fault of his own but by the end it is entirely his own fault that it’s worse, because he starts wrecking everything he loves in an almost absent-minded but definitely intentional way, like it’s a nightmare he’s listening to through the door as it happens in the next room over. He really IS the ‘I just felt like destroying something beautiful’ central of the jedi.

at the end qui-gon is dead and through dooku’s own influence, however indirectly. Rael has had to turn away from him. Sifo-Dyas is dead on Dooku’s own orders and so is his sister, he might as well have done it with his own hands. (though I think it’s very interesting that in each case he didn’t do it with his own hands, he consistently uses a middleman.) He lives within the coldness of his sterile empty castle and horrifically mistreats the one person he might have found something like connection with the way he did with his students before (Ventress), deliberately trapping her in a similar state of utter desolate isolation and telling her, essentially, ‘We’re like this as people and nothing can be done to change it. We can’t escape, we’re already doomed, stop trying, it’s too late. You are just like me (and if you aren't already I'll make you like me)’. And that’s the closest thing he gets to love anymore. When he accused Ky of using her ‘as a salve for his own loneliness’ and you’re like well well well mr projection man how’s that working out for you. He is completely, shatteringly alone and he is so entirely as a consequence of his own actions and he's too far gone to understand or care. I’m howling you useless fucking FOOL dooku  

- dooku 🤝 john gaius

“Hm. I have observed that there are in fact many flaws in our society and the government is deeply corrupt. So if I kill a few billion people here and there in order to fix it, is that not basically okay when you really think about it” 

Dooku making salient points about the political and ethical failures of the Republic and then, just when you think he’s onto something, he goes and makes The wildest fucking decisions about what to do about it. Sure. dark magic and genocide are probably the only ways out of this you’re so right bro. If we make enough minuses to add together surely we’ll end up in plus sooner or later

- *head in my hands once more* I can’t believe I am genuinely emotionally invested in someone called Count Dooku with the looks of a knockoff dracula and ultimate moral character to match right now this is terrible. hey. hey dooks. what you have to go and fuck everything up so bad for huh I’m so incredibly sad now

there is something to be said about how getting to see glimpses of what dooku looked like in the light makes it so much more heartwrenching that he never came back. he could have, a thousand times. and every time he chose not to.

[blade-that-was-broken]

Not enough fics go into the concept that JD is a parentified eldest sibling with a plethora of mental health problems who was having a breakdown in the flashback and whose life only got more traumatic after that, who has probably had a few trips to the psych hospital over the years and his brothers are all people who are seemingly allergic to showing him or each other affection beyond being sarcastic assholes (jokingly) to eachother and how easily it would be for one of clay or Bruce or branch or even Floyd’s little joking comments to hit unintentionally way too hard, set off JDs mental health issues that he ignores until he has a breakdown, and cause him to spiral into a breakdown or a depressive episode. Like people write all the time about JD putting his foot in his mouth and accidentally traumatizing branch but I think branch’s sarcastic asshole commentary would make JD have a breakdown first.

I keep telling myself that this is a child's movie and I don't think the writers are taking this seriously AT ALL. Like, it's more just of this funny little movie about funky little trolls while they pepper in issues and trauma and throwaway lines about the most devastating things.

Personally, I don't think JD is as idk crazy/dumb? as people sometimes think? I think he was overly excited cause he learned his family was still alive after years and he was just so enthusiastic about seeing them. Couple that with the sleep deprivation, adrenaline and straight up anxiety over Floyd's rescue, I just can really understand a lot of John Dory's actions in the present and how he simply was. So I guess that would be part of him pushing his issues? Aside?

The argument at the end kind of pisses me off just a bit because sure, John might be being a little bossy but like I also get it? He's extremely worried about Floyd - he doesn't care about bossing them around or the Harmony - he's just worried about the life of his brothers and Bruce and Clay just... kind of get a little petty for my taste. Like guys, it's been twenty years. Geez.

Branch is... just generally rather sarcastic. John Dory has absolutely NO indication that any single one of his brothers want him back in their lives. Branch literally disowned him immediately (I give Branch a bit of slack because well, I kinda get he's upset and he does go through the mission slowly wanting his siblings around again even though he doesn't say anything - it's a process) so it's the one time where...

I don't think John put his foot in his mouth about that whole thing but recognizing that no one wanted him around and tried to be reassuring. Like, okay guys I know you are pissed at me but after this, you won't have to be - it's for Floyd. Branch is young and he takes it to heart immediately. I don't entirely blame him. Like I said, he's young. And John is just sitting here like.... WELP

John probably is a serious introvert at this point. Kind of like he can be really friendly with people and even make friends but since he spends SO much time alone for so long, those interactions are exhausting after a while now.

It's part of the reason when I write JD, he's always getting hugs. Literally I wrote a oneshot when Floyd is rescued he's just like yeah JD I'm super happy to see you and then gives him a giant hug. And then another one.

Its pretty clear John LOVES his siblings and he's not a bossy jerk just to be a bossy jerk.

[joshuaalbert]

paramount needs to hire you fr i am Invested in this hypothetical changeling child

tyyyyyy he’s so fun to me and like. I feel like the idea kinda remedies some of the issues in the existing storyline (in addition to the whole biological family thing since he’s adopted and any kind of bond he has with picard relies on a desire to connect with him regardless of whether they share dna).

also this got very long bc i used this as an excuse to start reworking a bunch of plot elements so im gonna put it under a read more hold on

like ok we’re told canon!jack feels isolated but a complaint a lot of people had was that that’s never shown. changeling!jack has the easy shorthand of "if you've spent literally your entire conscious life on the run from starfleet because you may or may not have accidentally committed a crime and they're trying to track you down for it, yeah, you'd be pretty isolated (especially if you and your adopted mom then went on to commit more crime in the name of providing medical care)". i recognize that the line about canon!jack going to school in london was just their cheeky little throwaway to explain the accent and they didn't really care about the implications, but it does imply that he could actually be in the same place for a while so they weren't fully constantly on the run. obviously you can still feel isolated in this situation, but if you're trying to establish that element in a limited time, i think the more you can do to justify the idea the better, and i think them never being able to stay anywhere does amplify it

and like. the isolation can still be a plot point even if we don't bring the borg shit in! there's a readymade counterpart that just didn't come into play in picard! the rogue changelings aren't part of the great link, but i don't think that means they couldn't just set up their own version of it. and we can give jack some conflict in terms of like. he knows their plan is bad and will hurt a lot of people so maybe through the power of (unlike odo bc we don't want it to just be the exact same plotline) actually having a loving—if solitary—childhood he could mostly resist the temptation to be part of them and belong, even if there is some temptation, BUT like. he was raised by beverly crusher who believes in helping people even when it's against the rules and who sometimes has a vaguely insane brand of confidence in that regard, as well as having his own interest in healing, so maybe he thinks if he links with them, he can fix them. picard's ideals and restraint then come into play to try to pull him back from this link that threatens to sublimate him and use some knowledge he has to implement the changelings' plan.

crucially i dont want it to be like a "picard's ideology is right beverly's is wrong it's stupid to try to help people" moment bc that shit sucks but also being blindly confident even for a good cause isn't always the best either so maybe it's like. a partial victory. maybe jack creates a schism in the new link and can't save vadic without sacrificing himself (and even then he might not be successful) but does save some others and is able to impart the potential for human/federation kindness onto them. the values of both produce an outcome where he can do some good but is also able to save himself. idk i dont have the details down but some kind of in between.

in terms of personality you could go in a totally different direction from the wannabe han solo deal, or if you really wanted to keep it, i think it could be more transparently an act—kind of like both his appearance and his personality are mimicked, but there are cracks where something else comes through (genuine enthusiasm for his work! love for his mother and complicated feelings towards the brother he's never met! insecurity!). we could give him a fun little identity crisis after his exposure to other changelings where he feels like he's less of a real person and maybe vadic specifically is like "you're stuck in this human body you imitated to try to be accepted, your personality is all an act, if you join us you could actually be yourself without having to hide" etc to try to get him in on the new link. and then the "pulling him back" moment relies on like. actual observations picard has made about those aspects of his personality when the facade slips and actual bonding moments they've had. he's very much a real person with a real personality despite how he feels, and he is known by someone who made an effort to get to know him.

also just some various thoughts:

another complaint people had was that it was kinda weird that beverly cut off absolutely everyone, but I think it makes more sense if she’s harboring a fugitive. maybe she does even try to keep in touch with her former crewmates at first because she doesn’t think they’d turn on her but it gets harder and harder to communicate with them without it being noticed by starfleet, and maybe they almost get caught once when that happens, so she has to cut everyone off.

I also think it would be fun if he learned about the previous crew from old videos of them and just like. borrowed their personalities a little when he talks to them but that's less of a thematic thing and more just that i think it would be entertaining.

[tessabennet]

Hellohellohello!

I'm not even really here, but I just saw this, and you know me, I can't resist because I'm nosy AF. So:

⭐ ??? Go wild!

(Also, if you want: Which character was/is surprisingly difficult to write? Which one turned out be much easier than you anticipated?)

Heyyy J, thanks for once again giving me the go ahead to talking about my own writing 😁🥰

I'll start with the last questions:

Who was surprisingly difficult to write? Tony. Definitely Tony. Idk, I was already daunted and unsure when I first started writing him, but thought I could wing it by throwing in the sarcasm and one liners. And they do work, they just kinda turn him into a caricature, which I didn't want. I still think I'm not really getting him *right*, you know, but I couldn’t say why exactly.

The others that were also hard to write at first are Bruce and Thor, but since they were always minor characters and then basically disappeared from the story for a while, it wasn't so bad. Except now I'm post-Snap with writing and am reminded of all my shortcomings.

Who was surprisingly easy? The boring answer is Natasha, but I've talked about this extensively already. The other boring answer is Sam, but I haven't gotten to him yet with the posted chapters, so I'll withhold information on that for now.

So, I'll go with Fury! I was scared of the Secret Agent Talk, but I think he turned out pretty well. Same goes for Maria Hill actually. And Rhodey too. It's very comic book politics, but I ended up exploring the "realistic" parts of the MCU (ie politics and consequences of the on-screen actions) and that's really fun!

Okay, so with the commentary I picked a scene from chapter 28 of Hand of a Devil. I'm not sure if you've gotten to that already, so (very small) spoiler warning if you haven't! I'll put it under the cut, feel free to ignore it.

There's quite some rambling, but I hope it's at least a little fun to listen to read. Thanks again for the ask, I always appreciate it 💜

⭐️ And if anybody else wants a director's cut, please send me more asks! ⭐️

"What does he even want to be now, a superhero?" She huffs indignantly, her mind flashing back to Alexei in his Red Guardian uniform. "There's no such thing."

She can picture Clint raising his eyebrows as he replies. "Well, the three-year-old with the Captain America action figure sitting beside me would beg to differ."

Natasha knows the one he's talking about. Cooper loves Captain America. Cooper also loves Play Doh and Sesame Street.

"I never did understand what that was about," she tells Clint. Her most vivid memories of Captain America were the cartoons she and Yelena sometimes watched during their time in Ohio. "What does an army need a figurehead for? Blatant propaganda."

"He's much cooler than that, come on!" Clint sounds personally insulted. "With the shield and the attitude... The guy practically invented guerrilla warfare, and I read this biography once where –"

I love this scene for a lot of reasons. Not just because Clint and Natasha are always a joy to write together, but because I really enjoy throwaway comments and references like this.

With these lines in particular, what I was trying to do (and I think it worked pretty well) is show the different ideas that Clint and Natasha have about Steve Rogers and/or Captain America, due to their cultural backgrounds and upbringing, before anyone even discovered that Steve was still alive.

Natasha thinks of Cap as a figurehead. She only knows him as either propaganda or a character for children, like merchandise of the United States.

Clint, on the other hand, would've learned about Steve Rogers in history class, at least to some extent. He got taught the strategic value of what Cap and the Howlies did, not just the propaganda aspects. And my version of Clint in particular is kind of a history enthusiast, so he's a bit of a fan too.

And in a way, both are right! Clint's got the perspective on where Steve's coming from, Natasha on what people have turned him into during his absence, while he was in the ice. What's interesting (imo) is how this affects how they meet Steve when he comes back.

[dapnee]

Playing through psychonauts 2 again to see if my opinions changed at all. (Going to readmore cause it’s more than a paragraph)

I still find it hard to care as much about the other kids in the story cause they each get at most one extra segment after Hollis’ whole section and it just becomes Raz helping the elderly with their now twenty year long issues cause they broke up so suddenly and tragically.

And like, yes, that’s what I signed up for, but the game takes such a toll from trying to introduce like fifty characters and have them make a connection with just raz that it feels disingenuous with others that aren’t psychic six. Hollis stops existing after her section, Sasha and Milla are there but almost as absent as last time, coach kind of has an excuse cause he’s on hot water from last time. And then the new kids meander with throwaway jobs by their mentors, or they throw off their duties on raz, which again, fine.

Arguably the psychic six also has this issue cause each has like, one STRONG relationship within the group and the rest are just support. Like I understand when you’re in a friend group even cliques form within it, but I’d enjoy more talks between the cast behind the small throw away lines you have to go out of the way to find. Like, yes, I get that Otto was supposed to be the red herring mole but it really kills any relationship with the rest of the cast and he’s just, stuck in his workshop that chugs my computer if I get too close to the backer brains.

And while I love the twist and all, I hate the way I called it from the beginning, despite not playing rhombus of ruin. Like bro is sketch for not talking to his daughter and telling me to keep it secret. That and the fact it’s the psychic seven, come on, you built the motherlobe AFTER the fight, you absolutely didn’t need to have Lucretia’s mural there and then have it covered up. Like I love attention to detail but you could of just had it blank or had construction markers on it, idk

The game is beautiful and I love most of the characters, and to that end it’s a good game but it really says something that I almost never hear about it as much as 1 these days, which I got for free on gametap and struggled through with only a keyboard when I was younger.

Please take this as some old lady yelling at the clouds though, trying to words to feelings here.

[flfverse]

TRANS KIRI RIGHTS!!!!!

Oh my god I read it last night before bed and it’s ALL I could think about!!! And it’s STILL all I can think about!!! I’m so in love with this concept and so glad you ended up writing this. The slow realization, the denial, the imposter syndrome, the perceived selfishness—it’s all soooo good and really speaks to what I feel like is kind of this internalized orientationism that exists unconsciously in the greater society of your worldbuilding from which a lot of the trans issues or Hawks’s internalized subphobia (is that a thing? Is now) kind of stem insidiously. Kirishima is like “I’m a dom! It’s my job to protect ppl and I’m a hero anyway so it all works out!” But that’s a trap he doesn’t realize he’s stuck in until he’s really forced to confront it, and I’m soooo in love with how you handled him avoiding the issue until it blew up in his face (because I’m an angst/hurt/comfort lover). Got all the swoopy feelings in my stomach about it and even when I go back to read it again I still get em 🩵

Kiri’s evolution is something I’m so excited to read further about… I really hope you’ll explore him trying to hide it from his friends, who are so used to using him as a dom sounding board when they need help. I can’t imagine he’ll find it easy to give up that role easily, since he cares so much for his friends and wants to support them in any way he can, and also because I wonder if the weight of their expectations will be hard to get out from under without outing himself? Like I can just see Sero torn on the sidelines watching Kirishima do things that hurt himself but not knowing how to intervene in a way that respects Kirishima’s boundaries but also is healthy for him?

Which also makes me wonder about our dear, beloved, hyper vigilant Aizawa-sensei… because I’m an ever-guilty Aizawa lover…….!! But that aside, my excuse for bringing him is that I think he would at least notice something off with kirishima and his dynamic w the class (unless he’s not their teacher at this point? Tbh I’m admittedly not sure how school is looking for these kids at this point in your story ehehe). But I can also picture sero going to him like “girl help! My bf is (redacted) and he’s hurting himself over it and idk what to do!” Or also kiri showing up in the office like “Sensei help! I’m (redacted) and idk what to do!” And Aizawa being like “well I can’t help if I don’t know the root of the problem but also I respect boundaries so….”

Sorry got carried away a bit. But the point is! I loved this fic and CANT wait to see where you’ll take it next.

Enjoy your hiatus! You’ve more than earned it. Until the next update, I’ll be lurking on old chapters and poking you in your asks 🩵

—V

TRANS!!! KIRI!!! RIGHTS!!! 🩵🩵🩵

oh yeah, i definitely want to explore him hiding things from the others. we loveee that angst. i don’t know when i want him to come out…in Cross the Line i did write a little throwaway convo about him and sero both being doms before i decided to hit him with the trans beam, and i’m still undecided on what to do about that. they’re all around 23 at that point, which is a pretty long time to hide, so i might change it. i can definitely see him only coming out to a few people for the sake of his hero career….we’ll see.

aizawa is definitely still around! in my head they keep the same homeroom teacher bc i loveee dadzawa and it makes sense?? right?? if he’s training them?? yeah.

i lowkey forgot he would be around noticing all of this but yeah, he would definitely notice the dynamic was off and be like, waiting for the right excuse to poke at the issue. and sero would absolutely come to him well before kiri would :(( ack i’m making myself sad thinking about him now

i like this version of kiri (and all versions of trans kiri) bc he has this kind of comedic level of emphasis on manliness and being the steady unwavering rock for his friends, which is very wholesome, but also BUDDY. you need to base your identity on more things than that. i think it is very genuine, which is why i love him, but also you could play it like he’s compensating, like if he just says it enough it’ll be true.

augh. enough sadkiri thoughts. let’s think about puppykiri again and ask the REAL question which is: why does his costume have a psuedo-muzzle, hm? what’s happening here

thank you for coming to my ted talk. i think the next little edition of this mini saga will just be focused on kiri and sero and puppy play (and some trans feelings), but after that it’d be fun to do some angst. or before. depends which i finish first, i guess?

[worldofgoo]

yayayay yippee (≧◡≦) i love how vibrant & lively your art is, i think my fav pieces are Horse Surgery & hanyuu (even tho i have no idea who that is) but that one wip with the rainbow is also v ery special 2me because it reminds me of my fav kind of weather ^_^ generic Which Program Do You Use question & also which programs have you tried so far? which one would you recommend for someone whose only experience so far wiht digital art has been scribbling in ms paint -_-? on topic, what do you draw with (mouse, phone, drawing tablet, ??) & was it easy for you to get used to digital art? i always get overwhelmed by the amound of different functions available so im not sure where to even start, any advice? which physical art forms do you like / would you like to learn (anything at all, i personally have been getting into air dry clay... well actually ive been using my sisters playdoh but maybe ill purchase smthn fancier :3) & final question how do you come up with poses to draw? your characters (+creatures) seem very animated and i really like that :)

HI okay i guess ill answer these in a list. actually will put it under the cut since i ended up saying a lot (and dw i enjoy being able to talk a lot so thank you!)

-THANK YOU im glad some of my more recent works (in my more current style) are appealing 2 people! like i wanna draw my own way even though i think it gets less notes... the higurashi fanarts (hanyuu and shion) r very memorable pieces to me because its when i started doing the loose sketches with the thin lines and block colors and thats the direction i reallyreally wanted to take my style in. also the rainbow is rian my friend rian

-i draw in paint tool sai! the only program i used before that was sketchbook pro, which i didnt like because the brushes were kind of... blurry/smudgy? sai allows you to zoom in and draw pixel by pixel which is something i like, and i like the way it does its blending. its also just easier for me to understand. i didnt pay for it i think i found some deviantart page that had the link, id have to find it again

-i draw with a wacom intuos tablet! its lasted me... almost 10 years now. ive heard newer ones are poorer quality in terms of at least the nibs needing to be replaced constantly, so idk what the most recommended tablet these days is. ive drawn with my mouse and tbh it caused awful hand pain so i would not recommend this. i draw on my phone with my finger sometimes but i find doing it on my laptop easier, however it is doable once you get used to it

-the way i got into digital art... well. i still have an archive of my earliest art if you wanna see! i was 14 n just drew random shit, often lining over doodles i did on paper and coloring them in. i think esp if youre overwhelmed start with making like throwaway experimental pieces, scribble around, doodle stupid things and color them in with different brushes and see what you enjoy. and then you can just keep the files to yourself if they dont look too good or maybe itll look interesting, it depends i guess haha. the other thing that ive always found helped me was telling myself id draw every day even if it was a little scribble or the tiniest amount of work on a wip bc getting a habit going helped my art a Lot beause it helped me spend more time thinking n focusing on it

more specific advice for sai that i found useful- using clipping groups & the preserve opacity functions are both lifesavers in terms of not spending so much time trying to color in the lines. if you color in a base layer you can just put everything above it as a clipping group and just not worry about it anymore. i also really like using the filters (like multiply) to mess around with the colors a drawing has, though sometimes its more effective to just select a layer/individual color and fuck with the hue/saturation/etc until it looks good. when i color, esp when its not turning out how i wanted to, i rely on shifting colors A LOT. n also mixing colors together using a blending brush and then colorpicking the intermediate color. very useful

-for the most part i stick to uncolored pencil doodles on like, notebook paper (even though i have some fancy supplies X[ one day) but i LOVE making things with clay, wish it was more accessible to do at home. i have a handful of clay animal statues and stuff that i made in my ceramics class in high school. would looove to do more

-because my poses tend to be very pushed/cartoony using references of real people isnt always useful (though obv knowing the basics of anatomy always helps) so in those cases ill use other cartoony art i like as inspiration, i try to see what i like about their poses nd emulate that with my own. sometimes when im struggling ill just do a bunch of studies where i copy art i like to try to get a feel for what im missing. mostly ive realized i like when the pose conveys some level of like, volume and taking up a 3D space (which im still definitely not a master of but bullshitting it can be fun). and i also like to have a balance of curved and angular shapes. sometimes i try to just do a pose that conveys a specific emotion or i just make shit up lol

alsooooo i cant reccomend aimless doodling enough! just random shapes, turning the random shapes into creatures, trying and trying and trying different ways to draw something until you like it, i feel like the things my hand makes when i shut my brain off and just scribble can inspire me as well, and i try to emulate whatever i made by chance while doodling. and if your doodles turn out better in traditional i tend to consider using a photo of a drawing as a way to skip the "preliminary sketch" phase nd drawing a rough sketch over that which i then use for my drawing (or just directly color since i draw very fast/lazy...)

[oveliagirlhaditright]

Thoughts on "Return to Chaos."

At the start of this review, I'm probably going to sound like I disliked this book or something. I swear I didn't (it's not something like "Coyote Moon", "Halloween Rain", or even parts of the "Unseen Trilogy", imo). It was good, just not great to me? At least the Druid parts.

I just feel like the stuff with the Druids was pretty predictable? That the leader of them, George, had been led astray by this deal he'd made with the vampire Eric--and really, he was being controlled by Eric--and that he was going to be seduced by ideas of grandeur and try and sacrifice Willow to try and get rid of demons forever and stuff.

I also felt like I strangely like the short Druid story in one of the "The Longest Night" Angel stories better, maybe. I don't know.

I did like that the three boys weren't on their uncle's side, of course. And the three boys in general, but I kind of feel like the novel could have done a better job at differentiating them all. I think we got a throwaway line about Ian being the serious one, the middle one (that I don't even remember the name of) being the funny one, and then the youngest one, Dave, being the youngest one, and because of that, desperate to prove himself and impress. But after that, they still kind of felt sames-y to me, and I often couldn't really tell them apart.

I also wasn't big of Buffy and Ian's romance, partly because I didn't think Ian was that developed. And also because I felt like he and Buffy didn't even really spend that much time together--especially not alone. As I guess Druids usually only date other Druids--and most of the book, Ian's kind of focused on what's going on with his uncle--and it just sort of seems like they only really like each other, because they're both people who fight the darkness (and probably because Buffy's on the rebound some). And I guess there are worse reasons to form a connection to someone, but I just didn't feel any chemistry, or anything else in common with them at all.

I also feel like Buffy wouldn't have been as gung-ho about Ian at this point in season three. I know she thinks she can't be with Angel--and fair: she can't--and she does think about Angel in this some. (I think this is after Buffy's "We're not friends. We never were" speech to Angel in S3.) But I guess I just expected her to be hung-up on him more, while trying to move on with Ian here? IDK.

Willow being kidnapped to be a sacrifice is definitely interesting to me, though--poor thing--and her cleverness in trying to get out of it. It makes me wonder if the books are canon at all, if Willow could relate to when Dawn was kidnapped to be sacrificed by Glory later on.

I also enjoyed Giles and Willow trying to find a way to give Buffy a break, so she isn't always bamboozled by sudden apocalypses and whatnot, by creating a computer algorithm that can predict bad things to come to the Hellmouth before they happen. That's how Willow was trying to get out of her captive situation, in fact, because the computer spat out a prophecy, and Willow was telling George that he got it all wrong.

What I really liked about this book were two of the female vampire villains that we had, who were both a joy to read. Because I was recently thinking that I wished that we had more girl vampires in this series.

The one is a former rival of Cordelia's, who puts Cordelia under a mastery spell--thrall, essentially--and is making Cordy do stuff the entire novel and then forget about it right after she's done it (because she was jealous of Cordy and wanted to destroy her life), which was a really interesting plot and my favorite part of this story.

I also loved the lore bit: that apparently this mastery spell thing was something vampires used to have, but they'd eventually lost the ability (the antagonist of this book Eric has it, though, and teaches it to Cordy's rival). And they mention how Drusilla is one of the few who reportedly still has it--and I'm assuming the Master? And Dracula, of course--and that's surely how she got Kendra under her spell so easily, to kill her:(

This all even fits in with the Angel & Faith comics, where Angel tells Drusilla that she was always so good with the hypnotism, but he could never get the hang of it.

Anyway...

Edit: One other cool thing I liked about this novel, was how it seemed like Joyce had some prophetic dreams herself.

[mountmortar]

Wait this is a Kanjoh blog, I thought it was a gremlin Kris and Silver healing blog? Got any Kanto hcs with the same level of brainrot you have for Johto? or a combo of the two under the name Indigo? :0

okay yes it IS that but given that kanto and johto are inseparable and i have a lot of love for the kantrio as well (and i reblog a lot of kanto content anyway) i figured i might as well move from a mostly-johto blog to a blend of the two. which is fine by me considering that you literally travel there in gsc anyway LMAO. but i do have some thoughts about the kantrio!! (and a lot of the indigo combo for the kantrio + johto punks but that's a whole other post lmao) here's a couple of them :)

okay first and foremost i think red CAN talk i don't think he's entirely mute and that's just from my observations of his game dialogue. it's just that in many scenarios he chooses not to! and building off of that i think he would know whatever sign language exists in the pokémon world as a result of that

in soooort of that same vein just based on his flavor text in rgby when he interacts with the bookshelves of scientific books in professor oak's lab he does express interest and excitement. so i think that he'd like to read those types of things! anything about pokémon pretty much. no matter the difficulty of the text. everyone assumes just because he's a hardcore trainer he doesn't really pay attention to scientific journals and then he gets caught reading the most dry-ass textbook ever with the unrestrained glee of a little kid. and good for him

i always thought it was reallyyyyy funny that blue went to go study in kalos because in rgby when he meets up with red on the s.s. anne he literally goes "bonjour!" and even though that was kind of a throwaway line it almost makes me think that maybe blue wanted to go to kalos for a WHILE. maybe he always wanted to visit or something and once he saw an opportunity to study there he sprang on it. and if it got him away from professor oak then that was just even better

blue's dialogue in silph co. always struck me as kind of interesting concerning his and red's friendship because. okay. at this point the relationship between blue and red is CLEARLY deteriorating with professor oak's favoritism being an implied factor of the cause. but blue's dialogue goes:

[before battle]

"What kept you RED? Hahaha! I thought you'd turn up if I waited here! I guess TEAM ROCKET slowed you down! Not that I care! I saw you in SAFFRON, so I decided to see if you got better!"

[after being beaten]

"Oh ho! So, you are ready for BOSS ROCKET!"

and that implies two things: one, that blue has been keeping an eye on red and his takedown of team rocket judging by the fact that he KNEW red would turn up at silph, and two, that (for all his bluster) that particular battle was a test on blue's part to make sure that red was ready to take on giovanni. like for all that their friendship was falling apart blue still very much cares about him!!! it's just that he's going through some shit because of prof. oak and taking it out on red as a result of it. and it may not be right, but sometimes that's just the way things are. and as gsc/hgss proved, he STILL cared about him. even enough to randomly call up the protag and start reminiscing about him out of nowhere. idk it's just!!! such an interesting little bit of dialogue to me

now leaf. leaf is a remake girl and while i HAVE played firered i played as red. however i do remember the dialogue of blue's that described (in this instance, because it's frlg-only) leaf as "a chatty gossip" and honestly i'm going to take that and roll with it. i think she could talk anyone's head off about anything at any given times. and given that she's a protagonist with protagonist genes i think that on at least one occasion she's run into a pole while doing so because she wasn't paying attention

in a universe where the three of them are all there i think that if there was anybody who could find red first it'd be leaf. because they would think along the same lines! they have that same protagonist brain! blue is too busy being saddened by the fact that red is gone but leaf. who IS an explorer who IS like red in so many ways. would take one look at mount silver and think. yeah. i think he's up there. but something something red convinces her not to tell blue because HE'S saddened about the state of their friendship and doesn't want blue to come up there and start yelling at him or something. leaf thinks they're idiots. you know how it goes

[erza155-writes]

Author Commentary: Taste of forever

So, after a whole year of tormenting myself & the homies, I have finally published the NHS x JL fic that has been occupying prime brain real estate.

It would be better to read it before you subject yourself to this author commentary, but if you’ve read it already, commentary below!

I’ve been writing this story on and off for like a year now, and well…. Yeah. It’s been a thing. I’ve kinda had fun because I don’t know if anyone else has done this yet, but here we are!

This pairing has been living in my head rent free for a hot minute, but it was originally inspired by a scene in chapter 8 from A bit of ruthlessness by Jirluvien on ao3. It’s a xicheng fic, but this throwaway interaction between these 2 sparked something within me, I taunted my friend with it, wrote an initial concept that got way too long and unmanageable and then took the cowards way out by writing this. I haven’t linked it as inspired by A bit of ruthlessness on ao3 cause I still need to ask permission from Jirluvien because I’m not sure if they’d wanna be associated with all of this.

Anyway, after I initially thought of it, I was like ‘yo is there fic for this’ & surprise surprise, fucking nothing. So I tool it upon myself to craft the narrative I wanted to witness. But as I publish this, it is the 3rd fic in the tag, so maybe there is hope yet!

This is still only the first half after various edits. I had to split it in half because NHS pov is different from JL pov.

So the story starts at 9:46pm on January 19 2021 when I text my friend:

I just wrote the outline for a Nie Huaisang/Jin Ling fic and titled it after that one Icarus meme playlist; Pretty Fly for a white guy

I'm about to cry

There is so much that is ridiculous about this 

And no one was able to stop me, so everything kind of snowballed into what I have published. (Hilariously enough, this fic was supposed to be only 500 words long, yet here we are...)

The thing is that I really do unironically love this ship and thinking about it and writing about it. They’re both such fascinating characters with a lot of depth and I was kind of curious as to how a relationship between the 2 of them would develop considering the wealth of trauma and issues between them. But in this verse I chickened out and gave y’all the soft version. But I’m like 5 steps away from writing a ship manifesto for these 2.

I decided to post this commentary here rather than in the author’s note section on ao3 because I have too many feelings, too much to say, and it would probably constitute as cruel & unusual punishment if I subjected people to this without any warning whatsoever. (Can you imagine reading a fic and the author’s commentary is just as long as the fic itself? I’m obviously not going to blaze this trail, but if this becomes the norm, I would be so excited because I love seeing how different everyone’s writing process is!)

Anyway, enough of my infodump exposition, here are my actual comments on the content of the fic!

The title of the fic is from 12345sex by Upsahl because when I was initially writing this, I listened to a lot of her music. I am halfway certain I have a playlist for this fic/verse laying around somewhere, but I am not organized on the very best of days so idk where it is. If I do find it, I would be more than happy to publish it.

I could have titled this story after Moment for life by Nicki Minaj, to really fit the theme, but I didn’t. Because by the time the idea occurred to me, I was already attached to the current title. And also, Nicki’s whole thing.

This story/verse was initially titled: ‘pretty fly for 2 dope guys’ after the offspring song and because when I started planning it, it had a very differnt vibe. At one point, I seriously considered titling it “Kiss, Kiss, Stab” so make of that what you will. 

Anyway, here are the most memorable lines of this story for me.

Jin Ling is trying to be less dramatic than the adults who raised him, but given half the chance, he would push everyone on his list down the very long Koi Tower stairs.

Writing this line was kind of fun because immediately after I finished typing it, I kinda did a little villain cackle because I’m assuming that Jin Ling doesn’t know how cruelly ironic this statement is.

His name on Nie Huaisang’s lips becomes an achingly beautiful sound; the chirping of birds in spring lifting his mood, the rushing of lakes in summertime cooling him to bearability, the rustling of autumn leaves granting him a small moment of private reprieve, a winter hearth crackling and bringing warmth to his bones.

Ok so i actually had to google autumn sounds cause I don’t experience that, but everything else was courtesy of my reading experiences. Additionally, I’m 93% sure that ‘bearability’ isn’t an actual word, but fanfiction is meant to be transformative, so I am absolutely going to stretch my artistic license in this one instance.

Speaking of which, if anyone can recommend autumn themed texts (movies, tv shows, books, music, video game walkthroughs) I would be more than happy to experience them! I don’t think I’ve consumed enough autumn centric media. As long as there is either an English or French translation, I’ll be able to understand it.

Anyway, this is more like a mini journal for my own edification and archiving purposes, but if you actually made it this far, that’s kind of amazing! And thank you for your attention, I hope you have a nice day.

[gentil-minou]

Hellooo!!! I wanted to ask what is your opinion in the way Adrien flinch when Mari raised her fist in psicomedian :(. Many are theorizing that it's possible that Adrien is being physical abuse or that it could also be because of the villains, others say it's just a normal response. I'm not an expert but that flinch, i'm pretty sure that's not normal. The way he puts his arms like he's expecting a hit it's concerning and I don't it's because of the villains. Let me explain, when it comes to villains Adrien it's always quick to act and just do something either running, hiding or fighting, all with great bravery. Now, I'm with the part of the fandom that thinks it's because of Gabriel and what makes me think that it's both Ephemereal and Chat Blanc, ¡just watch his reaction! One frase of Adrien is "I can't stand by and do nothing!" and yet here he is, in both situations frozen and unable to plan or fight for his self-preservation, face in pure fear and moving slowly backwards(he has his powers to protect him and yet he's crawling and begging in Chat Blanc, how fuck off is that?) And it's not because he's afraid of Hawkmoth (we have seen him fight with him in Puppeter 2 even if it was just a wax statue) it's because he's afraid of his father. Honestly that's the only explanaition I think it's true but still I want to know your opinion. (P.d. I love your analysis <3)

3Hello! And thank you!

I've been kind of going back and forth a little bit on this, and I think I can conclude, at least from my interpretation, that this was not a flinch as a result of physical abuse by Gabriel. I understand why the fandom has started thinking that it might be the case, but I think there is enough reasoning to negate the theory as well.

1. Marinette has made many sudden gestures and other actions around Adrien, as well as others like Nino who have put their arm around them. Adrien has never flinched around his friends before so it seemed odd that he would then.

2. I think it's more likely that Adrien is afraid of clowns, or just doesn't like them. He flinched when Mari put on the red nose and was obviously uncomfortable with it.

Chat also says this line, which could have been a throwaway line, but at least suggests he has a specific distaste for clowns:

3. The way she was acting was also pretty different from what he's used to, so that could have also been a reason. Seeing her acting so different from how she normally acts could have been startling enough on its own. He could have just been taken aback, and I mean depending on how close someone is to my face with a fist I would probably flinch as well.

I want to make it clear that I still see Gabe's treatment of Adrien as abuse. There are very clear and obvious signs of emotional abuse and neglect that indicate Adrien is mistreated by him. Chat Blanc is an interesting one, but I also think it's jarring to have a million secrets coming at once. Adrien was definitely afraid of his father, but I don't think there is enough evidence to suggest it was physical. (However we have seen evidence of Gabe hurting both Adrien and Marinette when discovering their identities, so it might not be ruled out completely. I just think that instances like the ones in Chat Blanc or Ephemeral were definitely meant to garner a reaction from the audience to make sure they saw it as A Big Deal and could see the fear Adrien was experiencing that got him akumatized, along with ensuring that they did not see Gabe as a dad but as a villain in those moments (Does that make sense? idk if that got rambly djfhdsjkfh)

And maybe this is just a me thing, but I think showing such blatant signs of physical abuse could be dangerous for a younger audience, and potentially very triggering. I'm not saying it can't be done, but to draw attention like this might be a little too personal for a younger audience. That's also why I like the sentiadrien theory because I think it makes a good metaphor for physical abuse without having to risk showing said abuse and being pulled by networks/complained about by parents.

[thedeviljudges]

the devil judge + the seven deadly sins

so, i made a gifset about who i thought falls under the seven deadly sins. and also shameless plug - please go reblog the gifset i made for this. took me ages to do.

but i figured i might as well make a meta post to correlate. so this is that post. it’s not everything i could discuss. i could be here for hours more, truth be told. but i hope it’s enough to chew on.

while i feel like a lot of these are going to be a no-brainer, i still want to talk it through because idk. i can, and i want to, and i feel like it, lmao.

gluttony

the elite are privileged and have an opportunity to indulge so much more than the general public, but in many different ways. this is shown throughout the show in the fact that they can indulge on luxury food, have political power, they can make a phone call or snap their fingers and everyone must follow their orders.

and the thing about gluttony is that there is always more to be had. you take a little and then realize it’s not enough and so you ask for more. case in point: in episode 11 when sunah suggests that yohan could be the new president, the current one gives her an alternative: dictatorship. because it wasn’t just enough for him to be an actor and the presiding president.

you’ll also know they turn in on themselves - the two other guys in the elite group. one who owns the company and the other dude - i really cannot remember their names and what they do, but y’all know who i’m talking about. it was so easy for them, when threatened, to fabricate documents to give to yohan about each other in order to get ahead. gluttony is only shared in the relationships we have until one realizes they can take a little extra of the pie. it’s the selfishness of having all the leftovers. gluttony cannot necessarily exist without someone else’s sacrifice.

lust

i kind of had an ah-ah moment when i was talking this over with @technitango​. i was trying to decide who was going to be lust because lust is portrayed very, very differently in this show than what most of us are used to. we, of course, know sunah who lusts after a life of indulgence and riches because she equates that with respect more than actually wanting it because it’s monetarily worth something.

but then i realized the public is lust because of their need for justice. i won’t say revenge necessarily because they’re doing as they’re told when given the judge show. but we can quickly see how that evaporates into something akin to bloodlust, for criminals and people who normally get away with shit, to have their fair taste at conviction for their misdeeds. we even see it with yohan’s fanboy club - the lust that comes from adoration and dedication.

and even more so, the public is easily swayed and so is the nature of lust. it follows in the vein of needs and wants, and as soon as new information is presented, however may false, so does the wants and desires of what people want sway. how easy was it for them to turn on yohan for a split second on two occasions - on two accounts of bribery.

envy

envy, above all, is about wanting what others have because you do not have it yourself. it may not be exactly what they have, but a form of it. some people don’t necessarily want money - they want what it can by, which is time, health and material goods.

sunah is the perfect example of this. she envies respect and recognition. she talks about bright and shiny objects, and that’s true to her kleptomania tendences, but more than anything, she wants to be seen as an equal because being poor with a vastly different upbringing means she’s looked down upon by those she thinks matters.

which also begs the question why she feels the need to seek validation from people in higher statuses to begin with when she can be the exception and not the rule - form her own understanding and environment to show others that the typical way of the elite is not actually all it’s cracked up to be - to which we see when she has no one to celebrate her victory with. it’s lonely being at the top. you get to your goal you thought you wanted but then what?

more importantly, sunah also envies family, relationships and simply put, human interaction. she wants to be cared for and treasured, and she looks for that in her position of power. because then all eyes are on you. because then that’s what people care about. what she fails to see is that those eyes are just as fruitless and just as wavering. to be a leader means people loving the idea of you but not you as a person.

“people of envious nature are sometimes stimulated to seek to emulate those who have completed some great achievements and in doing so achieve something great for themselves,” according to Understanding Philosophy.

wrath

while i realize that gaon not might entirely fit the wrath trope, he certainly has his moments, and i think he’s lived with a tampered flame since his parent’s death. he just learned to briefly put it out in the form of distractions and a false sense of righteousness and justice. it isn’t until he meets yohan that someone finally gives him the okay to feel the entirety of his emotions, that lets him breath and tells him it’s okay to feel anger and hurt. and while gaon ultimately chooses not to exact revenge, his wrath is what led him to becoming a judge and walking away from his teenage crimality.

gaon transposed his wrath into seeking justice, transformed it into livelihood, and reformed his narrative so that he was no longer angry and a teen with rash emotions. it was simply redirected and never really forgotten. yohan turned that redirection back around onto gaon’s ultimate heartache. fueled with that, it became easier to justify himself and his actions.

the most pivotal moment of turning his back on this mindset is, of course, the minister’s suicide, where he takes a good look at himself and doesn’t like what he sees. at this point, gaon’s upset isn’t necessarily at yohan but at the situation in which they got themselves into. because the thing is, gaon doesn’t absolve himself from what they did. he doesn’t turn a blind eye to that and try to dismiss it. he owns up to what happened and confesses how he feels to yohan and how he has to leave for his own good, and in some indirect way, for yohan’s, too.

with yohan, his ultimately weakness, despite never admitting to it, is family. his wrath comes in the form of anger when the ones he loves are threatened. yohan lives by a moral code of loyalty because that means you won’t be abandoned, and as a child who lived with that verdict since the day he was born, it’s an ever-pressing theme of his.

thing is, wrath comes in two particular forms for yohan. again, one is family and the second is the rose-colored glasses he’s given himself in his revenge story. he’s always had a goal to presumably make right the wrong for taking away isaac, but within that, 10 years is a long time to plot revenge, to the point where it becomes so much easier to lose yourself to that, to become enraged with it and forget the initial goal all along. we see this in his inability to form the bonding moments needed with his niece and his casual throwaway comments over people’s lives - the comment he made to gaon about moving on to the next plan, and the ultimately nail in the coffin of pushing gaon to leaving him.

his fury has also led him to convince himself his own humanity is nothing short of a lie. therefore, it’s easier to justify the means to an end because of his own self-worth and self-deprecation. it’s almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy: he even admitted to gaon’s mentor that he is an abyss. he’s referred to himself as nothing but an animal or a monster - all characteristics of despondency to survive and to justify what he’s doing. sort of like a catch 22, yohan claims he’s an animal/monster and behaves as such, but because he behaves as such, it means he’s an animal/monster.

wrath for gaon and yohan are very different yet the same. they are slow-burning, and that’s a dangerous type. it’s actually interesting when you think about the fire imagery surrounding the two of them because flames are quick to lap at anything in its wake, to destroy within a matter of minutes. and yet for the two of these men, their internal fire eats them from the inside out, painfully, until they’re almost unrecognizable to others and to themselves.

sloth

sloth was a little more difficult to pinpoint because of its characteristics. it was either the minister versus the mentor, both of which i think could work in this role. however, i chose the minister simply because she’s featured more and intertwines heavily with the plot line.

soth is a medieval translation of the Latin term acedia, meaning “without care.”

the ultimate characteristic of sloth is often identified as laziness, and while it’s easy to argue that the minister hasn’t been lazy in her ability to get where she is, she became as much when she started lying to get to her position. isn’t lying known as the easier way out? it absolves you of responsibility, of putting in the hard work, of apologizing and making things right. in the end, she had a goal and found the easiest solution to get there through her lack of responsibility for the roles she more than likely swore an oath to.

but that also translates into the other attributes of sloth: a failure to do the right thing, lack of emotions for people or of the self, and the fact that it “hinders man in his righteous undertakings and thus becomes a terrible source of man’s undoing” according to The Seven Deadly Sins: Society and Evil.

while i think there are a lot of components of sloth that may not necessarily fit the minister, the apathy and carelessness are enough to showcase her aggression, despondency and restlessness when what little efforts she does put in do not go her way. another interesting thing to note is that many of sloth’s traits correspond with symptoms of mental illness, such as depression and anxiety. it’s an interesting thing to note given the way the minister chooses to end her life.

greed

i don’t know that jinjoo would’ve had any provocation to the limelight if it wasn’t for sunah’s direction, but she’s eager to please and wants to be useful. it’s only natural for her to want more because it’s clear she’s a career woman, loves her job and has a heart for serving the people.

but like gluttony, greed is also that little thing that plants itself and can take on a life of its own. you start looking for justifications as to why you can’t have more than what you do, and in jinjoo’s situation, she’s already overlooked through no fault of her own. and it’s not that gaon and yohan are doing it purposefully, which is what makes their neglect heartbreaking, because truthfully, they’re after the same thing jinoo is. sure, it looks different and the foundation of it is different, same with their motives. but they’re all three judges on a residing bench working to exact justice - even if all three of them have their own personal agenda. 

i don’t think jinoo fully aligns with greed, but she does want more for herself, and i think that’s only natural. you can tell she has a heart, and she’s keen not to be overlooked. this isn’t her pain point so much as it is she knows her worth and is more than ready to do what it takes to get where she wants. this, in and of itself, isn’t necessarily a bad trait, but we can see how it leads to being deceived, especially for someone who’s been left in the dark for so long.

she is enticed by the glitz and the glamour of being a head judge, but you can tell she feels some remorse and guilt for those thoughts at times. i think her sense of greed is a battle within herself more than it is extremely outwardly.

pride

soohyun’s pride comes in the form of her imbalance with right and wrong. her sense of righteousness and justice is so far leaning, even more than gaon’s. it can be chalked up to her being a cop, but we’ve seen instances of this outside of her role within that agency. her pride doesn’t let her see beyond saving gaon and getting to the bottom of every mystery that comes her way.

it also comes in the form of impulsiveness and her savior complex, putting elijah in danger, for example, instead of waiting for backup. it’s not necessarily from a belief that she can fix things all on her own, but she sees injustice and immediately jumps in. another case in point is her and gaon watching yohan wreck the minister’s son’s car. she’s ready to go stop him, but gaon pulls her back, most likely because at that point, they hadn’t been observing the situation for very long to get a read on it. also the fact that at that point, neither of them truly knew yohan and his capabilities.

but as to where her characteristics come from, we simply don’t know beyond that of gaon. it’s unfortunate because we don’t have much of her backstory, so there is no real understanding why she so firmly believes in entities of regulation beyond keeping her friend out of jail. she prides herself on her work and what she’s able to accomplish, which is why it’s devastating to her to have to protect gaon by cleaning up his bloody handprint.

aristotle is of the belief that, “pride, then, seems to be a sort of crown of the virtues; for it makes them greater, and it is not found without them. Therefore it is hard to be truly proud; for it is impossible without nobility and goodness of character,” from Nicomachean Ethics.

but pride for soohyun isn’t about honors or rewards. it’s for herself and her capabilities, her ability to protect gaon, and the virtues she’s set as the precedent for herself. because sometimes it’s not even about establishing morals and ethics upon yourself. it’s about feelings/intuition, logic and observation. and no, i don’t mean the feelings she has for gaon. there are things that humans do, both actions and words, that we inherently know are bad without someone telling us as much and without the rules of the world seared into our brains. there are some things we know, for a fact, are wrong to us as individuals.

for soohyun, she knows that gaon’s actions, and even her own, have consequences. from what we’ve seen, i think it can be argued that it’s really about not doing those actions to prevent an outcome - not necessarily from a place of being just and right. that doesn’t mean she doesn’t understand good morals/ethics, but again, we have no background of what her internal guidance actually is.

to put this in layman’s terms, we’ll use gaon wanting to stab the conman in his youth. soohyun knows it’s wrong because it will incriminate gaon and therefore she stops it. gaon’s gone to her because he sees her as a moral compass. but is her own internal navigation rooted in justice the way gaon had to find it in the judicial system, or is hers rooted in her pride of keeping gaon safe? she stops him from doing things that will get him in trouble, but is she stopping him because the action itself is wrong or because the outcome will result in undesirable consequences for the two of them?

and of course, there is a flipped argument to be had there - i’m not arguing that gaon stabbing the conman would be right or justified. but what i am saying is that for her, her worldview is the only right one, and when anyone steps out of that, even gaon, it becomes a bit of an issue: the pride she has for that is palpable.

every character indulges

truthfully, every character has at least one form of these sins rooted in their characterization. some are larger than others, but the breadth of it can be explored even further for each. and that’s what makes them more realistic and not just characters written on a page or following a linear progression of their writing deity.

the seven deadly sins are also notoriously rooted in religion. they’re also a defining feature of aristotle’s works that represent the golden mean, in which each vice is parallel to a virtue.

the devil judge is so layered, but i think at the heart of it, it’s about humanity at its core. sprinked in are the philosophies and contradictions and what it means to look in the mirror, what happens when we’re blind to seeing our true selves and most importantly, how much changes when we’re swayed by our own misgivings. it really asks us to understand nature versus nurture, that people must find a belief in something to keep them going, and how futile our hopes and desires can actually be if we’re not carefully regulating ourselves, nevermind the entities established by society to regulate us, too.

the entirety of the show genuinely begs the question as to who is truly right, who is truly wrong, and if it’s even possible to find the correct answer.

[danny-chase]

dick *fire emoji* damian *fire emoji*

tim *fire emojI*

Dick: he's ugly and we as a fandom need to accept it, it's fine... literally every other guy dc draws is ugly too

He will never be as good as ntt Dick and that kind of annoys me. I miss him being a bit of a mess, i know the ric arc just happened but like idk, i just want him to stay awake for 3 days straight and get shot or something.

Idk my other unpopular opinion is that I don't think he undermines other characters simply by existing. I've seen him accused of undermining Damian's relationship with his parents, but yeah, no, I think Bruce's writers are doing it to themselves, and Talia's writers are racist so like how is that Dick's fault? He can be a cool big brother/mentor and Damian can still have other good familial relationships. He can be written as balanced to Barbara instead of undermining her position in the family (Dixon's run is a good example) and I don't think he undermines Cass's chances at being Batman because let's be real. Even if Dick was dead, they'd give it to loosely affiliated to the batfam man #27493 instead of Cass 😞 which really freaking sucks.

I also don't think he's hated by DC. He was hated specifically by Dan Didio, and boy does it show (i was rereading whatever crisis it was and my god Dick was def supposed to die), but I think most writers love him and think they're doing their best by him, which is why I theorize a lot of his character flaws have dissapeared (they love him and think he's perfect and don't want to show him as not perfect).

Damian: I don't think he ruins Talia's character (again I think the writers do that good enough themselves), and I like the idea that Talia tried secretly giving him up for adoption and thought he was free of this life, because actually that's incredibly noble and mature of her and tragic and would make a great story and DC please do a good retelling of son of the demon and make it canon-

I haven't actually read a lot of Damian's comics yet because uh i got stuck looking at Batman Incorporated and wanted to do things in order and I don't know 😭 i don't want to see it (but i need to because i like knowing things). So idk i guess i don't have much else.

Oh other than he's not "evil" for pushing Tim off a dino. Nah i don't understand why people take that scene so out of context - like ppl try to make such a big deal out of it but to Damian it like, wasn't personal? He didn't hate Tim in particular he legit just went "oh this is like home i have to kill him to beat the level" and caught Tim slipping.

Tim: Look I just don't like him after reading his comic run. Unpopular opinion: he's good at school and life in general. Like really good. He was being considered for a pretty hefty scholarship before he moved from Bludhaven back to Gotham, he's popular without even trying, and girls pretty much throw themselves at him at the drop of a hat. Bruce does better with him then most other Robins. Despite Jack being an idiot both him and Dana love him and are make efforts to connect with him. Pretty much the entire world in his comic revolves around him. He's a chad, not a loser. And he's also the most sexist robin stop pinning that on Damian, Damian has 2 throwaway lines, with Tim it's a pattern.

Another unpopular opinion: I legitimately think they made Tim the smart one tm because they didn't know what else to do with him and had to set him up as an equal for conflict with Damian and so he could throw his hat in the ring in Battle for the Cowl. I don't actually think it was done for the advancement of his character, I think they desperately needed something to put him on equal footing with the others, and it ended up making him more boring imo, and I think he should go back to being a gifted but otherwise normal kid because yes i found that boring too, but with good writing that's an idea that has potential

Ngl i disregard almost all canon when writing Tim and use him as a self insert, he just does what I would do and thinks like me 🤷‍♀️

[eclaire-went-bam]

random riddler headcanons

cannot read the difference between > or <, he uses the "which way is the alligator facing" thing to help him. he keeps this secret very close to him

idk abt you guys but for some reason he always gave me. ace-spec vibes???

on that note he's quoisexual in my eyes. there are,,,question marks on the flag bro,,, it's perfect

that being said he's still DEF homoromantic we all saw that one coming

can't say the words “floor ride in the wyatt tier” in one go

has this unexplained fear of being wrapped up in something, especially arkham straight-jackets (ref to that one throwaway line in young justice lol)

biggest troll bait

80 page long defense plan intro is not fully an intro. it just. trails off into how he hates the batman and how superior he is to him after page 62 (reference to an arkham knight dlc)

the full defense plan is exactly 765 pages

has an official twitter account

adamantly believes cicada 3301 is real. he really wants to join just to feel super smart, but he found out about the whole thing after the organisation/arg/whatever you think it is went silent

when asked how he is, he says “well” to flaunt his correct grammar (although saying good is actually acceptable too lol don't tell him)

has spent WAY too much money on that green luminescent paint. he probably would've been richer than bruce wayne if he just saved it (arkham games again)

has taken either dance or theatre in the past behind his father's back. that's how he so effortlessly makes dramatic speeches, poses, and movements without falling over

would cry if he got a 99% instead of an 100% on a test. partly because 99 is an odd number and i need to self-project though (but also validation i guess 🙄)

can't??? drive???? PLEASE never let him behind the wheel he'll get a diu even while completely sober

hair conditioner before shampoo

he doesn't need a mask, everyone already knows who he is. at this point he just wears it because it feels natural to wear it when he's commiting 💕felonies💕 if not he feels practically nude

nobody knows if it's nygma or nigma and that's his greatest riddle in his eyes

has said or done SO many things solely because he wanted validation or to prove something and is now held up to that expectation all the time it's not fun

somehow rhymes when he's either very euphoric or very angry and he hasn't even noticed he does this

i mean yeah he rhymes with some of his riddles but those are on purpose

he was just. REALLY influenced by those books that are completely full of riddles when he was little. found it collecting dust on a shelf he was finally barely tall enough to reach when he was like 8 and practically brought it everywhere cus it made him feel so cool

speaking of which, serious case of chuunibyou/eighth grade syndrome

instead of just. saying words like "twenty" hell say stuff like "onescore" (hopefully i'm thinking of it right)

for someone who speaks with a lot of question marks he sure does have a lot of exclamation point undertones

doesn't curse just so he doesn't sound lesser. instead he'll try his very hardest to make improvisions that he tries to not make sound stupid

they sound stupid.

you best BET he flaunts whatever hat he has on EVERYWHERE that's his PRIZED possession

when he committed his first riddle crime everyone thought it was an arg

utilises the manipulative kind of word salads to sound intelligent (just wanna emphasise, not the schizophasia kind)

whenever it involves himself, he can't tell when others are joking or not

whenever he walks into the restroom, of course, he stares longingly into the mirror

honestly if there's any mirror he'll examine himself in it, even if not obviously. he needs to make sure he still looks a a a a adorable!!

“riddle me this: cryptocurrency???”

[gold-kobold]

Hey, Goldie, did you watch RotT? If so, how did you feel about it?

ok so like

hear me out

i REALLY liked it

and don't worry, i think we can all pretty much agree that the m-preg was trash in every way and the ending was handled HORRIBLY, but like

i still??? had a great time with it despite those flaws????? like, i get why everybody's super mad, the ending of any film or series is essentially the most important part, and if you flub the ending, you're gonna get an ANGRY response, so the fandom's totally justified in that response, i think (save for harassing the writers or anything like that, don't do that shit oh my god you WILL be dead to me if you do that shit)

but like, i feel like there was a lot of good stuff in that movie that kinda got rug-brushed because of the "wtf factor" of the m-preg and the ending

(also, before i ramble on, let it be known that these are just my personal opinions and it's totally fine if you disagree!)

i feel like i don't even have to comment on the animation, that shit was HELLA good like omg THE ANIMATION WAS SO PRETTY I'M DYING except the staja babies those were nightmare fuel

anyways, the fights were REALLY amazing and suspenseful, and like, i've seen some people complain about nomura and strickler's deaths being pointless, and i do get that viewpoint a little (and btw they should've mourned nomura too like damn, okay main cast, glad to see who the favourite changeling is lmfao--) but honestly, i felt like their deaths were important in showing the sheer strength of the titans, and also in raising the stakes, if that makes sense?? i dunno, i thought it was a bold choice that kinda worked (for me, at least lol)

and hoo boy. toby. i'll, uh... i'll get into that in a minute. i'm gonna put it under a "read more" because a lot of my thoughts on THAT death and why it would've been really important to keep rather than reversing time involves some personal stuff on my side, so i won't bore you with those details yet lol

CAN I JUST SAY THAT QUEEN AJA WAS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THOUGH--

Like, they really showed how tactical she's gotten in her new position, and hot damn, she just looked badass, i wish we got to see more of her shooting that cool gun afdgfdsfhdgjfhgk--

ALSO WANTED MORE ELI BECAUSE OMG I MISSED THAT DORK, he was also 10/10 amazing aaaaaaa

i honestly felt like the story itself was pretty solid most of the way through? it was kinda weird how they pretty much erased jim's "unbecoming" character development, but at the same time, it's like, worries and insecurities from your past CAN come up again even if you thought you beat them the first time, so it didn't totally throw things off for me because i kinda feel jim there in some ways -- i do wish they'd at least mention the similarities to the "unbecoming" episode, even if just in a throwaway line to show that it wasn't something completely forgotten about, idk

anyway, time-travel "fix-it" endings are the worst and i hate them vgfdasfhdjfhgh--

ON TO ME RAMBLING ABOUT WHY TOBY'S DEATH (AND EVERYTHING TBH) SHOULD'VE STAYED PERMANENT

there's honestly not that much more to say in how the ending of ROTT is basically just a slap in the face to everything we've watched so far. a lot of posts have summed up why this was such a frustrating writing choice better than i could. but oh boy, what got to me particularly was toby.

this isn't something i really like to talk about, so please don't message me about it or anything, but i feel like it's important to my point on this scene. so, to put you guys in context of the kind of feelings i'm about to talk about watching toby's death scene, i lost my best friend in middle school to a car crash. it's not totally comparable, obviously, but it's one of those things where like, as a kid, i didn't really think about death or loss of my peers as a thing that would happen, really? and then when it DOES happen it's like, "woah, what the fuck, i wasn't prepared for this on any fucking level" and it's just, like... a really hard-to-describe gut punch of mortality and loss at that kind of age.

the reason i mention this is because i can't recall a single fantasy-like tv show for young audiences in the same vein as trollhunters where they make a child main character's death permanent? like, i don't know how to describe this in a way that DOESN'T sound weird, when i saw toby's death, i felt a weird sense of, like... being seen, or something? like a life struggle similar to mine and similar to many other kids, though it barely gets talked about, was actually being recognized in a serious, long-lasting kinda way. i feel like a much stronger ending than reversing everything they did with a stupid time travel ex machina device is this, like...

just imagine, we get a shot of the characters a little farther into the future -- a stricklake wedding too, perhaps? but as a very end scene, the gang visits toby's grave, and acknowledge the loss, but also the times they all shared together or something--

idk. maybe people are just worried that's too dark a thing to show kids. but i feel like it'd be a really important thing to have in a media like this for those few that can relate to it and possibly move in the right direction about processing their own feelings about loss and stuff

anyway. there's also the complaint about how toby (and recently steve too) only ever got treated as comic relief as well, so this ending would've been more impactful if the writers had given more respect to toby as a character anyway, idk lol, i think i'm done rambling all the same

anyway, 7/10, not enough dictatious and notenrique

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

on the topic of alastair apologizing... let's talk about the Academy. idk, here's my two cents.

EDIT: thank you to @alastairxcarstairs for pointing out that Alastair's hair was natural at the academy, not bleached. I have made a few edits in red! I don't think it changes the idea of my post too much, but it does raise some complications as something that we know has affected alastair deeply (vs a comment about his father & clive which were things he was already feeling and whose traumas to not lie in a comment made) and I think honestly might be one of the only ways for a reconciliation between the two of them, to recognize that they both used shitty ways that the world works against them to hurt each other deeply, and that wasn't right. (also can the two queer "icons" learn to not be racist please & thank)

this got... ridiculously long. I'm sorry. feel free to disagree with anything I've said, it's just my conclusions from what I've read an my own experiences. theres a lot of discussion of bullying, death, and alcoholism.

alastair really didn't say much to or about kit and thomas (except the rumor, which I'll get to in a second) at all. he called thomas names, but it wasn't something that ever really bothered thomas and I think that's probably because alastair never said them with malicious intent.

he said a lot of shit to and about james and his family, none of which james deserved. that's something he needs to atone for.

most of his bullying (except the rumor) with matthew was reciprocated. they both talked shit to and about each other. it doesn't cancel each other out in a way that means it never happened, but its not really something anyone has to atone for imo, just more of a "we both treated each other like shit and that was stupid, let's move on from it and not do it anymore."

the vetis demon... it was a prank. a cruel, scary, idiotic prank. it wasn't alastair's idea, but he went along with it and he helped. obviously it was something very distressing to james and matthew, but they're both fine. I'm not saying alastair should get a pass for it, but clive literally died. they were 14/15 and as someone who lost a classmate at that age, there's a weird sort of guilt about it, even when you had nothing to do with their death. alastair learned the consequences of his actions the hardest way possible, and I don't think people recognize that enough. we don't know much about clive at all. he acted like an asshole, sure, and he was definitely naive and arrogant (a vetis demon???) but we don't know how he treated alastair. was he kind to him behind closed doors? was he always cruel? did he bully alastair? we don't know. regardless, I'm positive that alastair has a lot of complicated feelings about it, and a fuck ton of guilt. because HE can be a better person. HE can apologize and move forward and travel the world and fall in love and get his heart broken and do all of the things that people do after they finish school, and clive never will. alastair learned his lesson, and james and matthew can be reasonably certain that he'd never try anything like that ever again. while he could certainly still apologize for it, I think thats something they can assume at this point without him saying it.

the second one was deliberate, matthew knew that alastair had already told him it was Clive's idea, but he WANTED to get until alastair's skin. he WANTED to make alastair hurt more. he was a child (they both were), and he was upset, and he wanted to make alastair hurt. and he did. alastair snapped.

and, finally, the rumor. the first thing to recognize is that alastair was in a bad place when he said that. he said that because he was in a bad place. all of those^ complicated feelings had just started (clive had literally just died) and to make matters worse, everyone's fathers had rushed to the Academy in wake of the incident except for Elias (thomas pointed this out). then matthew showed up. he started out by calling alastair names, fine, typical. then he said "Has no kind soul thought to inform you that your hairstyle is, to use the gentlest words available to me, ill-advised?..." strike one "...A friend? Your papa?" strike two. then he said "Though I cannot help but wonder whose idea their nasty little trick was" even though Alastair had already explained that it was Clive's idea and why, strike three.

the first one was just racist. maybe he didn't mean it to be, but we know that alastair was self conscious about his hair because of how dark his features are and how alienated he feels as a non-white boy.

the second one was an unfortunate coincidence imo. matthew had no idea what alastair was going through at home or that he was particularly upset about Elias that day because he'd been forced to watch all of the other boys with their fathers.

in matthew's eyes, what he said there SHOULD have been just another throwaway insult, but he was blinded by his privilege as a white boy with loving parents, and anyone who knows alastair's situation can see that it anything other than just a throwaway comment.

I'm explaining all of this not to excuse what alastair did but show how the rumor scene was atypical from his usual bullying. we haven't SEEN enough on paper to make that observation, but we can infer from all of this that that was not how alastair normally behaved. that was how alastair behaved when he was pushed over the edge, that's it.

while he said awful things about Thomas and his parents and Matthew's parents, he was never trying to hurt them, it likely didn't even cross his mind. he didn't start that rumor, and I doubt he even ever actually spread it. there's no evidence that he would be someone to spread rumors like that (something very speculative and secretive, vs something obvious and well-known like what he said about tessa), especially given the rumors around his own family. he only repeated it to matthew because he was pushed out of his limits. it's most likely that he heard the rumor, ignored it, and the ONLY time he has ever spoken it was to matthew that day.

he said it to hurt matthew. that was his only goal. that was his only motivation. he wanted to make matthew HURT. and he did. he really, really did. I think he could see it as soon as he said it. CC has said that he regretted what he said as soon as he said it. he hurt matthew in ways that can never be undone, and I think he knew that as soon as he said it because he has been hurt that way, too.

so, no, I don't think alastair actually owes thomas or sophie or gideon or charlotte or henry an apology for what he said beyond "I caused this person you love very much irreparable harm" because while he said awful things about them, he never did anything to actually hurt them (beyond hurt matthew).

to say that alastair owes matthew an apology... feels a little cheap to me. I don't think alastair will ever genuinely apologize to matthew solely because he doesn't think that what he's done could ever be forgiven. even if he were to become a fucking saint, even if he became the nicest, kindest, most giving man on earth, there is nothing he can say or do that can undo the pain he's caused.

what happened to charlotte and her baby is NOT alastair's fault, nor is matthew's alcoholism (because we could play the blame game all day then - because if it weren't for Elias would alastair have been pushed past his limits? is it his fault? if his alcoholism is because of his brother's death, was all of this just Yanluo's fault in actuality? but that was all in revenge for Wen Yu exterminating a nest of demons, so maybe it's her fault, then? it would never end, and that's not even TOUCHING mother hawthorn's involvement). matthew MUST be responsible for his own actions and choices.

but alastair caused a harm to matthew's psyche that can NEVER be erased. he will carry until the day he dies. alastair may have not intended to hurt him in such a profound was, but he did, and he knows it. he crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed.

this doesn't mean that alastair can't be redeemed or that he can't be a good brother-in-law to james and a good partner to thomas or a good person in general or even that him and matthew can't move past it and learn to tolerate each other. but in his eyes and matthew's, forgiveness is too weak of a concept for what he has done, and I doubt he will even ask for it.