#so if anyone noticed why I wasn't on here reblogging or anything for a couple days

[misc-obeyme]

Dont feel bad for not being able to write. Sometimes our brain does not brain

Ahh, thank you! It's absolutely been like that lately. It's just extra annoying when I want to write but it just kinda refuses to happen.

One of the things I do to counteract writer's block is to work on something else. So instead of working on my next request like I want to, I'm writing Solomon smut with my MC lol. I haven't written about Ciaran in a while, so I think it's actually helping? I'm actually writing, so that's a plus. I had to take several days off because nothing would happen and I was just getting irritated.

But I'm hoping that things will get better now that I'm actually able to write something again. Usually I just gotta get things flowing and then it's back to business as usual!

But you're so right, sometimes the brain just does not brain. Every once in a while, my brain statics instead and then I have to recalibrate lol.

[bradtomlovesya]

R.I.P To The Old You

Tom Holland x reader

Summary: Tom has been changing a lot lately, that doesn't mean it's a bad thing, does it?

Warnings: ANGST!, swearing, bad ending!

w/c: 3.4k +

Author's Note: I am back, bitches! I am a whore for angst as always ♡. Hope you enjoy and reblogs, likes and comments are highly appreciate it as always.

(Gif not mine)

You met Tom just before he started filming his Spider-man: Homecoming movie. His first Spider-man movie, that was a big change to go through. Tom dealt with it in the best way possible, he was playing his favorite superhero from when he was a kid and that was more than enough.

Back then Holland was fun, creative and you could say a bit naive. He always saw the best in people, even when those people didn't deserve it. Tom has always been too good to be true and maybe that's one of the reasons you fell deeply in love with him. It wasn't hard to do, Tom is like one of those characters in books that you always read. He was human and no one is perfect, of course he is not the exception but Tom was perfect in your eyes.

With a little caution and care he also fell in love with you. You didn't understand how or why but that was the least important thing. Tom fell for you as much as you did for him and it has been that way for 5 years.

You were 18 when you started dating and he was 21. Now you are about to turn 23 and nothing could have been better in those 5 years. Tom has filmed many movies, including two more Spiderman movies and you have been there every step of the way supporting him. You couldn't be prouder of him.

Tom has also been a rock for you during all these years of your relationship. He is the one who has been with you every step of the way and has never let you down and you appreciate that more than anything.

Your relationship was kept private for a while but it became harder and harder to keep it a secret so, just a year into dating, a picture of you kissing on the beach appeared in every newspaper and magazine online. Who you were was a complete mystery to everyone and you were chased by paparazzi more times than you can count.

Still, as everything happens, so did the news. Everyone got used to seeing you together and then you went from being the news of the year to just another couple in Hollywood. There's always one or two paparazzi taking pictures of you, but there is no fresh news anymore. Everyone knows you've been together for 5 years and the only thing Tom gets asked about you in his interviews is if you have plans to get married. Of course you do, but not right now.

These 5 years have been good. However, for the past two years you have been noticing changes in Tom's behavior. They have been subtle changes but they have not gone unnoticed by you.

They are both good and bad changes. You know that people change, grow and transform all the time... it's just that sometimes you long for the way things used to be. Sometimes you miss the 21-year-old Tom after filming his first movie.

Especially now when you're sitting on the couch watching Tom on the patio smoking a cigarette to control the amount of stress he's feeling about the new series he's filming.

You were never a fan of that habit and he knows it more than anyone. That's why he doesn't smoke inside the house, he understands perfectly well that the smell of cigarette smoke makes you dizzy to death.

Your birthday is tomorrow. That's why Tom came back from the States for a few days to spend it with you. Although, to say he came back is saying too much. His body was here, clearly. But his mind was elsewhere.

The moment you saw Tom put out his cigarette, you turn your head and look at the TV in front of you that you weren't even watching. You only had it on for mere noise. A habit you had picked up since your boyfriend became more famous and his stays in America longer.

Tom enters the house feigning nonchalance, something he does when he doesn't want you to ask him what's wrong. He approaches you to kiss you and just before he does your hand stops him.

"I'm sorry, the cigarette smell is too strong" you apologize. The smell is indeed unpleasant for you and the last thing you want is to be rude, you hope he understands as he always has, but this time he does not.

"It's just a cigarette, I don't understand why the fuck it bothers you so much." He spits with disdain and your reaction is one of disgust.

"Love, you know the smell gives me a headache even if I don't want it." You try to keep your composure. You don't want to argue, not after he's been away so long.

"And it's annoying that I can't kiss my girlfriend just because of that." He says in all seriousness.

"I have mints, I can bring them over and then do a make out session" you smile. While that's not going to get rid of the smell completely, it's going to make it a little more enjoyable for you.

"Never mind anymore" he shakes his head. "What time is the party?" he looks at you.

"Five in the afternoon." You don't argue that he's forgotten either. You know he's got a lot on his mind.

"That's okay. I was thinking of going to a spa with the guys in the morning and part of the afternoon." He opines.

"Sounds like a really good idea to me, maybe then you can get rid of some of the stress you're dealing with" ~as long as you don't forget the party~ you think.

You move on the couch until you're on his lap and he looks at you with a raised eyebrow.

"Little mint?" you pout and hold it out to him.

You finally see him smile and take the mint in his mouth at which he shakes his head. "You weren't going to give up, were you?" he asks.

"No" you laugh lightly and play with the hair on the back of his neck. "I've missed you." You murmur and press your forehead to his. Your hands slide down to his shoulders and you begin to massage him, feeling his muscles relax under your touch.

"And I've missed you too..." he smiles and closes his eyes for a moment to rest them. "As much as I like that massage I have a better idea for stress release" his hands move down to your butt and linger there.

"Ah yes, which one?" You raise an eyebrow. You ask even though you already know the answer.

"This one..." he kisses your lips and moves his kisses down your neck. "I feel like hearing you moan my name... what do you say?"

You nod feeling the wetness between your legs and before a word is out of your mouth, Tom is already carrying you towards the bedroom.

~♡♥︎♡~

Unfortunately, fate did not seem to be in your favor. It had been three hours since the party had started and Tom still hadn't arrived.

You felt sad and tired. You didn't want to keep making excuses to the other guests, who were your friends and family, as to why your boyfriend wasn't at your party.

The truth is that Tom had run out of time. He fell asleep after a few massages and, since he had left his phone in the locker to avoid the anxiety of looking at it, he hadn't checked the time for a long time. Holland only wanted one thing, to stop thinking about his social media and, not to worry about his acting career, at least for a couple of hours.

His friends had left a while ago already because they had things to do and had left him alone. It wasn't until Tom overheard two workers talking about the end of the shift that he realized it was already after 7 pm.

"Excuse me, can you tell me what time it is?" Tom asks one of the masseuses.

"It's 8:34 pm, sir" she replies politely.

"What?!" He exclaims. "No no no no no no no. It's already too late" Tom gets up, gets dressed as fast as he can and drives to your shared home. "God... what an idiot" he mutters to himself as he drives and tries to call you but you don't answer.

"Answer, answer, answer, answer..." he mumbles over and over to himself but it always goes to voicemail. "Shit!" He exclaims and slams the steering wheel.

How could Tom forget your birthday party?

"I'm sure something happened and he couldn't make it" Harry tries to cheer you up.

"You said the last time you saw him he was on a massage table" you sigh and take off your shoes, you were exhausted. "I don't think anything happened to him" you deny. "He just forgot" you mutter.

To say your boyfriend forgot your birthday party is total torture.

"Are you sure you want to stay alone?" Sam asks to whom his girlfriend was already waiting in the car.

You had already sent everyone home with the excuse that you had to work tomorrow and your head hurt too much.

"I'm sure, but thanks for coming guys, it was nice..." you smile slightly.

The party wasn't a fiasco. In fact you were surrounded by people who love you so it wasn't too bad. Except for the fact that you just wanted to spend time with Tom and he hadn't shown up.

Harry and Sam left together. You walked to the kitchen to get some water and throw away some disposables that were lying around.

Tom arrived a few minutes later.

"I'm home!" He announces hoping it's not too late but when he sees you alone in the kitchen, a lump forms in his throat. "Where is everyone?" he asks in confusion and walks in your direction.

"They've already left. I wasn't feeling well enough to continue the party" you reply honestly.

"I'm really sorry" he tries to meet your gaze but you avoid him. "Y/n I-."

"I don't want your explanations" you deny "I'm tired, I'll go to sleep". You walk past him to go to your bedroom and he takes your arm

"Babe, please," he begs. "I'm really sorry."

"I know. I know you're sorry" you sigh. "But right now I feel hurt and really upset so please just let me go to sleep." You look him in the eye. You're serious, you're not in the mood to argue, you just want to lie down, cry and try to sleep.

His look is sad and he doesn't want to do it but he accepts it. He lets go of your arm slowly and lets you walk to your room. When he hears you lock the door he knows he will have to get a blanket and settle down in the guest room to sleep.

~♡♥︎♡~

You don't leave the room until around 1 pm. You know that as soon as you do Tom will be there to apologize - again - and you must prepare yourself to deal with that.

"I made pancakes for breakfast but now it's more of a brunch" he jokes trying to lighten the mood as soon as you enter the kitchen.

"Thanks" you nod and pour yourself a glass of orange juice.

"Y/n?" your boyfriend asks.

"Hmm?" You make a sound in response.

"Can we talk about yesterday? I really want to fix it."

"I'm listening." You turn to look at him and fold your arms with your body leaning against the kitchen counter.

"I lost track of time yesterday and it was really stupid of me. I have no excuses, I just apologize and promise it won't happen again." He licks his lips and watches you waiting for you to say something.

"It's already forgotten" you smile slightly. Tom is only staying a few more days and you don't want to spend this time arguing.

"Are you sure?" He raises an eyebrow, He was expecting it to be much harder.

"Yep" you nod and lean in to kiss his cheek.

"Okay, thanks" he nods and smiles "Can Haz, Tuwaine, Harry and Sam come over today?"

"Sure, I don't see why not. I'll go change."

You go to the room and do what you said you would. Being honest you expected Tom to try a little harder... like he did before. But he was someone different now. That didn't mean something exactly wrong, did it?

Anyway, the boys arrived. They were all sitting and talking in the garden. You went to the kitchen to get them some snacks and what you saw was not at all pleasant. A small plate that your mother had given you - which by the way was one of your favorites - had been used as an ashtray and that hurt you to the bottom of your heart. Other people might think it's stupid, but that plate had great sentimental value for you, your mother loved that plate too. It was almost a family heirloom.

You inhaled deeply and exhaled trying to calm down. You didn't want to argue but Tom was making it extremely difficult because he kept acting like he didn't care enough about you anymore.

You walked out into the garden and tried to sound as neutral as possible.

"Tom, do you have a minute?" you ask.

"I'll come with you in a little while, honey. We're about to finish our game" he points to the cards in his hand.

"Now, please" your voice doesn't tremble. You are upset and you are making a great effort not to explode.

Tom sighs heavily and stands up. He warns the boys not to check his cards and tells them it will only take a minute.

"What's up?" he asks and folds his arms once you two are in the kitchen.

"You used my mother's plate as an ashtray," you point at him.

"It was the first one I saw, no big deal" he shrugs.

"Tom... this plate is important to me and now it reeks of cigarette smoke" you're hurt. Really hurt.

"Don't be dramatic, y/n. It's just a plate" he

rolls his eyes. His tone was so dismissive you wanted to believe the person in front of you wasn't you Tom.

"It's important to me!" You exclaim. "You couldn't have taken anything else?"

"It's just a plate!" He exclaims "fine! I'll clean it up and be done with it." He takes the plate and tosses the cigarette butts in the trash roughly.

"Tom, please be careful." You ask.

"I am careful!" He spits in annoyance and walks to the sink to reluctantly wash it out.

"Tom, please" you plead.

"All this over a simple dish" he speaks to himself but you can hear him. "You interrupted a pleasant moment with my friends over a pl-"

"Tom!" You exclaim as soon as the object is forcibly knocked out of his hands and falls to the ground causing a clatter.

"I-" Your boyfriend stares at the pieces on the floor with utmost concern. He didn't mean for this to happen. "Y/n..." he tries to speak but Haz interrupts him as he enters the house.

"Is everything okay?" the blond asks and looks at the broken porcelain on the floor. "What happened?"

You wipe away a tear quickly and do your best not to break down in front of them. "You broke it" you mutter and shake your head in disapproval.

"We should get going" Harry says. They had all seen the chaos by now and knew it was none of their business. "Thanks for everything, see you later"

The boys said their goodbyes and left you alone in stony silence.

"I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for it to break up." The brown-haired man tries to excuse himself.

"Lately all you do is apologize," you reply.

"Forgive me, please" tries to approach but you back away.

"I don't like this Tom" you deny and feel tears come to your eyes. "I miss the old you" you murmur sadly. "I want the Tom who cared about me" you look at him.

"I care about you" he is quick to reply.

"No, at least not like before," you deny. "I've been nothing but understanding, but I can't keep quiet anymore just to avoid a fight," you sob.

"Love, please don't say that..." he pleads.

"I know you miss your friends, but we haven't spent nearly as much time together because you'd rather be with them than me" you wipe away your tears and continue, "you're smoking like a chimney, don't want to talk about it and you don't care how I might feel" you take a deep breath "You forget my birthday and you won't even talk to me about what's happening to you."

"I didn't forget your birthday, I gave you a necklace" he excuses himself.

"You didn't give me a necklace" you deny. "But that doesn't matter, Thomas. I just wanted you to be with me on my birthday."

"I didn't give you the necklace?" He asks confused.

"No" you sigh heavily. You're not interested in material gifts.

Tom runs upstairs and rummages through his drawers for the necklace he bought for you. It was still there, you were right. He had forgotten your birthday.

The brown-haired man came back downstairs and saw you trying to pick up the broken pieces of the plate from the floor. A wave of guilt swept over him. Everything you had said was true.

"I bought it for you for your birthday," he mutters and places the small box on the kitchen counter. "I forgot to give it to you," he swallows hard.

"Thank you" you reply without looking at him, you're tired of this.

"I feel completely stupid for what I've put you through". Tom speaks and you remain silent.

"You only realise what you're doing when the damage is done." You throw the pieces in the bin and go to the garden to pick up the multiple beer bottles.

"Leave that, I can do it" he walks over to you and tries to help you but you stop him. "Y/n please, I can fix this."

"You're not the same as you used to be and I don't know if I'm sure I like the person you are now" you sigh.

"What does that mean?" asks Tom with a frown.

"That you've changed," you sigh. "I don't know if I like this new version of you and I'm not saying it's bad but-" you squeeze your eyes shut trying to find the words "but I don't think the new you would work with me in a relationship."

"Y/n please, I love you and you know it. It's not fair for us to argue about this." He denies.

"I did my best not to argue, believe me I did," you feel the tears on your cheeks again. "Do you really love me or are you just saying that out of habit?" You ask him and Tom is silent.

He was so used to saying it to you that he never really thought about it until now. Maybe now it was just some monotony, maybe he didn't care about you as much as he used to.

"I'll take your silence as you've never analysed it" a knot forms in your throat. You still love him as you have since the beginning of your relationship.

"I'm sorry, I guess I have changed," he nods guiltily and runs his hand through his hair.

"Don't worry, it's not your fault," you smile sadly. "It's not your fault you don't love me.

"I do love you" he corrects you. "It's just that-" you stop him.

"Not like before, I understand" you complete his sentence and stare at the ceiling with your tongue pressed to the roof of your mouth. According to you, that kept you from crying more.

"Maybe some time to clear my head is what I need," he murmurs.

"Sure, as you wish," you nod.

'Some time' that's a lie and you know it. This is the end of it.

"Do you hate me?" He asks sadly.

"I could never do that," you deny and take one of his hands. "I hope you find out who you are now," you say sincerely.

"Will you wait?" he asks hopefully. Tom hopes this is all just a phase and he can love you again like he used to.

"As much as I can" you nod and kiss his cheek. "But I can't promise it will be just the time you need."

You murmur. Tom expects you to really wait for him.

But little you know Tom may never love you the same way again, and it's best not to get your hopes up.

Maybe saying "R.I.P." to his old self is the best option.

|°|°|°|°|°|°|°|°|

Tom Holland Tags: @raajali3 @fangirling-galore @rogertherabbitt @powerpuffluuvv @august-cardigan @itszulli @hallecarey1 @luvmarissaaa @xoxokiaraaxoxo @kaitieskidmore1 @lnmp89 @pure-a-tea @vixparker @army24--7 @spiderydreams00 @nani-2305 @Mochimms @ietss @prancerrparkerr @hpsgirlrw

Let me know if you want to be removed from the Tags. There's a Link on my Masterlist if you want to Join my Taglist.

[queensparklekitten]

I found your web weave about last online 7 years ago and scp 1762 (And I Love It), and I noticed it said you can’t reblog unless you were from the SGE site. What is that exactly?

*looks up from my drink, in the corner of the bar*

So. You wanna know about the SGE site, huh? Well.

Once upon a time, there was an online community.

Fandom forum, though the Open Chat one (equivalent of a #general channel in a discord server) was by far the most used. You got a book you read when you were 12 that changed your life? SGE's the acronym for what was that book for me. You might've seen the movie adaptation on Netflix a couple years back. I really waited seven years for that... I'm getting off topic. Back to the website.

The userbase was in the 8-17 age range, 90% girls, many of us the kind of people who devoured books like it was nothing in our then-ongoing preteen years. The few moderators never even looked at us unless we reported a glitch, spammer, or bigot for them to deal with, so we had no adult supervision.

Open Chat was used for, among other things, the most chaotic unhinged roleplay you can imagine. We got really into it. Wild parties that lasted days, food fights that quickly escalated into the hunger games, everything to do with those living shadows, Bob the alien, the Potato Kingdom, many of us had pets or imaginary friends doing this alongside us, I'm barely scratching the surface here, if I were to try to explain it all we'd be here for weeks. Quoting the Bee Movie script or singing certain songs had a tendency to cause all hell to break loose paranormally, one time it opened a portal to the underworld. It was the most fun ever. There was a reason we'd greet newcomers with "try not to die".

Aside from the chaos, there was contests where we'd reply with images of dresses or cute animals or what else have you, lots of clubs based around various things, people would sing (post song lyrics, sometimes roleplaying whole flashy performances) and post fun questions for everyone to answer and stories and neat videos we found and really good poetry and so, so much more that we didn't archive because we just assumed it would always be there.

It's where I met a lot of my closest friends- hell, it was the only place where I regularly got invited to participate in anything. I don't think there's anyone on that site who didn't forge friendships there. It's also how I got into quite a lot of songs and books and shows, and how I learned HTML formatting. That site was my home. It was the best part of my life for years.

You know how online friends are, though. Sometimes they disappear without a trace, a warning, or an explanation. Or their parents forbid them from going on the site because they think online chat rooms are dangerous.

I joined at 12. By the time I was nearing age 15, most of my friends had disappeared without a trace, never to return. I was one of the very few users to join in 2016 who was still active. The site wasn't abandoned, there were new people everywhere, but...

I don't pretend to understand the why of it, but the magic just. Started fading, I suppose. The community was falling apart. The roleplay got more stale and repetitive and often died down before it went anywhere. It all slowly declined and decayed and became a shell of itself. A hollow mimicry of what we once had. It wasn't really fun anymore, and I found myself wondering what was left to stay for. Just got worse in this regards, up until the website's final days, even after the rest of the userbase started becoming aware of it.

Eventually one day, the Open Chat started glitching hard. It had done that before, many times, and always been fixed. That time, though, it went down for repairs and never came back up. They said they'd bring it back, and they never did. Here's the thing, though- our posts all disappeared. When other forums on that website got closed around then, we could still see the posts by going through our post histories, we just couldn't reply to them. Open Chat and every last record of what we did there just vanished entirely, like it never existed.

It never even got crawled by the Wayback Machine.

...Now that I mention it, tomorrow's actually the anniversary of when Open Chat went down... how the FUCK was that five years ago it does NOT feel like it's been anywhere near that long.

Anyways.

During this time, the very few (like, there was maybe 2 at most) moderators had begun responding to drama by banning offsite links, followed by, several months after we lost our Open Chat, banning off-topic (non-SGE-related) discussions entirely, which sparked riots and a petition and they knew what it meant to the userbase, even to newer people who'd only known the comparatively lifeless version, we told the admins as hard as we could, and they did nothing. Well, other users told them anyways. I knew the site was beyond saving and thus didn't do anything but listen to music and make "let me guess, your home?" memes.

We also lost the ability to make posts in our profiles that weren't in any forums but could be seen if you went through the user's post history.

The official end was the "revamp" of the website, that was just a shutdown. They deleted everything that was left of it and all the records of what we were, and made a completely new website that the old one's url now redirects to. Though at least this time they had the courtesy to announce it a month and a half in advance so we could load as much as we could of what remained into archive.org during those weeks. There's no forum feature on the new site, and user data wasn't transferred. I never made an account on the new site. Why would I?

You can probably guess by reading those lyrics and asofterworld screencaps that I, and at least some other users I'm still in contact with, never really got over the death of that community.

That last image in my webweave is a screenshot of the page that now comes up whenever you type in the url for a forum or an old site member's profile and hit enter.

[archaic-grey]

an apology? kind of?

okay . wow. so! i recently made a post asking why a lot of jasico shippers were adults and it kind of . blew up in my face. a bit. and a lot of people made some very good points!! so i am going to address all of it cause i'd feel bad just. ignoring it? and also to explain a bit of my internal thoughts relating to . all of it. just for more clarity.

so. i think the biggest issue people had with what i was saying was that i was uncomfortable with adults shipping minor characters. that has not changed. that is still something that is a bit weird to me. however, that wasn't me trying to outright imply they were pedos????? that is. a very serious accusation and not something i would throw around lightly, especially in this context. like. i get why you would think that. but that was in no way what i was trying to say there. its just something that is weird to me. & im sorry that i wasn't clear enough while expressing that.

i am a minor, which is probably evident by now, and adults in fandom spaces are FINE. i will always support their right to interact with the fans of medias they enjoy. while i personally don't really feel comfortable with them interacting with me, esp in the context of shipping, i am fine with their existence. they can do whatever they want within reason obviously.

also, my intent with my original post was in NO WAY to start discourse or arguments or make anyone feel attacked or uncomfortable. it was just a phenomenon i had noticed and wanted to make like . a bit of a joke about. i seriously did not expect this many people to see it & react the way they did. however i get why you all got defensive, i would have felt the same if i was in your place.

some people seemed almost confused as to why i thought all jasico shippers were adults. um . again that phrasing was mostly a joke. but clearly i do not interact with you guys that much & most of the jasico shippers i have interacted with have been adults . so yk. i generalized you guys a bit. which was entirely my fault & has to do with my own flaws and issues that i am working on. and i am sorry !!!!!!!

to continue on with how my own flaws & issues have impacted this whole . situation: i like having reasons for things. i like it when people can explain their reasoning behind things and i like to be able to explain why i feel a certain way or had a certain opinion so like . idk i guess part of why i cant let myself just not like jasico is because of that. cause nothing is Wrong with jasico. and i know that, so i don't understand why i don't like it??? so like . im trying to find reasons and stuff to explain it to myself and others. if that makes sense??? its like . a really shitty explanation but i am genuinely sorry that my own issues resulted in this whole mess.

anyways . hope that sufficiently gave a bit of explanation for this whole thing? i would like to politely ask that anyone who wishes to continue discussing this either send me an ask or pm me, i don't really want to start any more drama or anything in my reblogs haha.

and once again, i'm really sorry. i'll be deleting my original posts in a couple hours just because this is stressing me out a bit & i don't want them to continue to be a breeding ground for discourse.

thank you all!

(will be tagging everyone who has reblogged or commented here just so they can see this. apologies if you are uncomfortable with being tagged in discourse.)

@paddooo @i-am-triple-a @elvirie @evergardenwall @iamonlyatiger @via-rant @my-apollo-gies (love your username btw) @hammyletto @seulgishaku @jinxed-lemon @decemebercircus @yonemurishiroku

[that-sarcastic-writer]

Feels Like Home (Frank Castle)

Pairing: Frank Castle X Single Mom!Reader

Summary: first part of a potential series. You're a single mom who works at a bar. Frank stumbles upon that bar. Something draws you in to each other. So after he stands up for you can't help but invite him for a drink. Inspired by S2ep1 of the punisher.

Warnings: Drinking, some harassment (not from Frank), some bar fighting, typical canonical violence, cursing. Nothing too major yet

WC: 2.6k

A/N: so this is the start of a potential series that was inspired by the short storyline Frank had with that bartender. I thought it was pretty cute, so I decided to write a miniseries inspired by it. Chances are this will be a huge flop, but I'm used to it, so, we'll see. And to anyone who does read this enjoy

Reblogs and feedback are highly appreciated!

Home. It felt like a foreign concept now. He barely remembered what that felt like. It had been a long time. He didn't know if his home was in the middle of a war God knows where, or if it was where his family was, wherever that was. He guessed now the closest thing he had to a home was his van. He didn't have one thing or other. Maybe that's why he felt the constant need for chaos. At that point the only constant in his life was the blood, the bullets and the chaos of it all. But then again maybe he needed to find peace, whatever that meant. For now that meant driving across half of the country to multiple states, wherever the nearest gas stop would make him stop at. He would stay for a day or two, whatever gave him enough time to get a drink and breakfast and then he would be on his way. Over and over again. That felt right for now. Nobody knew who he was wherever he went, so that gave him some peace, not having to constantly watch his back and be on defense mode. He could relax, for a little while at least.

Frank didn't exactly know where he was, but he didn't care, as long as it was far away from New York. At least nobody would call him The Punisher here. He hoped at least. It was late, maybe past 11 pm, but he wasn't tired. He could use a drink, he thought. Yeah, he should go for a drink. Shit maybe he could get drunk and give his mind a break from the constant chaos in it, even if it was for a few hours. He walked in the bar, he looked around, it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, but it was surprisingly neat, definitely nowhere near as sketchy as some of the bars he had gone to in New York. He noticed there was live music, which he thought was a nice touch. He could probably have a few drinks and enjoy the music from a distance. That was the hope anyway, with him peace never really lasted long.

It wasn’t often that you saw new faces here, I mean, usually you saw the same few faces stumble into the bar a couple of times a week, you could say you knew a lot of people by what they drank. So when you spotted a new face, that person would always spike your interest. Even if it was just out of pure curiosity. This time was no different. When a tall, dark haired man you didn’t really recognize sat at the bar, your curiosity peaked. You saw him out of the corner of your eye as you were mixing a drink for somebody. You were surprised by the fact that the man stayed silent and patiently waited for you to be done. I mean shit, with the stiffness of his shoulders and the hard expression on his face you expected him to start demanding a drink. But no, he just sat there, quietly.

It took you a minute, but you eventually got to him. You shot him your typical polite customer service smile, “Sorry for making you wait, it’s just me tonight,” You chuckled softly, wiping down the surface of the bar with a cloth you left there. He shook his head dismissively. “Well what can I get ya?”

“Just a beer please. Thank you.” His voice was deep and gruff, with a bit of raspiness to it. It definitely matched the hard expression on his face. Surprisingly, he seemed approachable, like he would welcome a conversation, but wasn’t looking for one. You saw that a lot.

“Here you go hun.” You smiled politely and placed the bottle in front of him. You heard him mutter a quiet ‘thank you’ before you walked away, your presence being not so subtly summoned by a pair of drunk jackasses that had been on your ass for hours. Just a few more hours you thought.

“You guys should take it easy over here.” You commented to the group of men as you poured them their fourth, or maybe fifth round of shots. One of them scoffed loudly and gave you a dirty look. Here we go.

“Why don’t you mind your business and just keep pouring shots huh? Or it’s coming out of your tip.” He laughed mockingly, the other two friends joining in. You stared at them with a blank face, blinking a couple of times in disbelief. You had to bite the inside of your cheek and simply nodded, plastering the fakest smile you could pull before turning around to walk away, but not before hearing a ‘bitch’ being muttered behind you, but it wasn’t exactly quiet.

“Wow.” You exhaled to yourself, shaking your head, not bothering to turn around. Frank had his head in your direction, he was looking at you like he probably heard the exchange, but didn’t want to say anything that would antagonize you further. His brown eyes simply burned into you as you aggressively wiped down the bar, scoffing and shaking your head to yourself.

“Could I bother you with another beer when you get the chance?” Frank asked quietly, slightly lifting the empty bottle in front of him. You lifted your eyes and met his own, he had this very tiny smile, like he was trying to be nice but didn’t know how to show it. You blew out a small breath and nodded.

“Of course,” You half smiled, grabbed a bottle from the cooler underneath the bar and placed it in front of him. “Do you want to open a tab?”

“Nah, that’s okay. Thank you.” He nodded at you, taking a sip of his beer. You nodded before you resumed harshly wiping down the bar, like that would relieve some of your pent up frustrations of that night. But you looked up when you heard Frank speak again. “I wouldn’t mind ‘em. They’re probably just a bunch of drunk assholes. And I take it you see that shit a lot.”

“You got no idea, man.” You exhaled heavily and shook your head. “I hope you aren’t one of those that get drunk and start causing me trouble.” You raised an eyebrow, giving him a suspicious look.

“Nah, don’t worry ‘bout me. I’m enjoyin' the good music and the beer, I don’t wanna cause any trouble.” He chuckled dryly and shook his head dismissively.

“Hope not. I don’t like when men I’ve never seen before come into my bar to start shit.” You slightly narrowed your eyes a bit playfully, leaning over the bar. “Because I’ve neer seen you around here, so I’m guessing you are new in town.”

“Very intuitive I see,” he chuckled, taking a sip of his half empty beer and nodded. “You’re right. I’m just passing by, but I'm hittin' the road tomorrow so, I promise I won’t start any shit.” He slightly raised his hands up in surrender. You couldn’t help but laugh softly.

“Good,” you smiled, your gaze meeting his for a few seconds. And and way he looked at you gave you chills. It was like he was trying to read you, and the way his deep brown eyes burned into your own made it feel as so. You however, could not read a single thing behind his eyes, it was weird really, you could see some much behind his eyes and yet you could make out so little. You didnt have time to analyze him further, and the smile on your lips quickly fell into a flat line when you heard the same drunk jackass from before call you over. You glanced at the group for a second before you looked at Frank again and simply shook your head before going over to them.

“What can I get you?” You asked with a quiet sigh, but they were probably too drunk to hear the irritation in your voice.

“Another round of shots,” the one that had called you a bitch said. You simply nodded, turning to pour the drinks. “You should pour one for yourself, drink with me.”

“Sure, I’ll have it later.” You said simply with a dry tone in your voice as you poured the shots of vodka they were having. Yeah absolutely not.

“Why don’t you have it now, doll? I want you to drink with me now.” He sounded more urgent and a bit more aggressive. Yeah, you hated when this happened.

“Sorry man, I don’t drink when I’m working. I can’t be drunk pouring other drunks shots.” You shrugged it off, turning around to walk away when you finished pouring the shots, but you felt a harsh tug on your wrist.

“I don’t think you heard me right, doll, I’m paying. And I’m paying you to drink with me now.” The guy’s voice got lower as he gripped your wrist tight enough to bruise. You stared at him with narrowed eyes and pursed your lips as you tried to tug your arm away. “C’mon, you know you want to, you've been looking at me ever since I got here.”

“I don’t get paid to drink with customers. And I certainly don’t want to drink with you. Now let go of my goddamn arm.” You glared, huffing softly when he wouldn’t let go. The man was about to speak but a deep and raspy voice caught his and your attention.

“Hey buddy,” It was Frank. Once again he had seen the whole exchange go down, and if he didn’t intervene last time he sure as well was going to now. He slightly knocked on the bar to get the guy’s attention and stared at him with a deep frown. “How is she gonna pour shots with you grabbin' her arm like that? C’mon, let go.”

The guy mumbled some response under his breath and wouldn’t budge, but quickly let go of your arm when Frank stood up to his full height, broad and tense shoulders making him seem even bigger than he actually was. The guy let go of your wrist with a huff. You glared at him as you walked away, slightly rubbing your wrist.

“You alright?” Frank asked, looking at you with a slightly softer expression. You simply nodded and half smiled, a bit surprised by his sudden concern. He smiled at you, it was brief and very subtle, but he did. But then he looked back at the guy, his expression turning hard again. “Just let the lady work alright? There are plenty other women here that aren’t workin’.” He shook his head and leaned against the bar, facing ahead, hoping that would be the end of it. He really hoped he didn’t have to beat somebody up tonight. But then maybe he wouldn’t complain if he had to.

“I didn’t even want to fuck that bitch anyway. I was gonna do her a favor.”

“Real classy man. Jesus Christ.” Frank scoffed, glancing at the guy again with a tight jaw and a raised eyebrow. Frank figured the guy was now going to turn his aggressive drunk energy to him instead. Good, he needed to break some bones tonight anyway, it had been a while.

“You say something man?” The guy huffed, slightly puffing up his chest as he approached Frank, who was still calmly leaning against the bar, facing forward with his hands folded in front of himself military style. Just give a reason man, just one, he thought.

“Yeah.”

“You’re just giving me a reason to beat your ass man.” The man huffed, getting a bit too close to Frank for his own safety. Frank hadn’t moved though, he just chuckled dryly and nodded.

“That right?” He chuckled mockingly, probably pissing the guy off even more. Frank felt a shove, but he didn’t move, instead the tension in his shoulders spread to the rest of his body. He exhaled heavily and pushed himself off the bar, now facing the guy, who was much shorter than him. Not that it mattered, Frank could still break every bone in his body whether he was six feet or seven feet tall.

“Dipshit, I’m gonna show you how to mind your business.” The guy continued to push his luck and shoved Frank again. Well so much for a peaceful night he guessed. The second Frank felt the guy’s hand on his shoulder, he grabbed the wrist and twisted it in a direction wrists weren’t supposed to rotate.

“Ya like that?” Frank huffed, bending the guy’s arm behind his back and slammed him against the bar, twisting until he felt the bone strain. Frank smirked lightly, about to twist the guy’s arm all the way when he started to cry out in pain, sputtering curse words and pleads for Frank to stop. He didn’t want to though, maybe breaking the guy’s arm would show him how to respect women. Frank stopped regardless, when he heard your voice.

“That’s enough. He’s drunk, and you said you wouldn’t start shit, so c’mon., break it up.” You finally spoke up, the scene in front of you now starting to gather attention. You caught Frank’s attention, he looked up at you with a frown written deep on his face and he clenched his jaw. He was very tempted to just break the guy’s arm then let him go, but he saw the way you were looking at him, there was something about the look in your eyes that made him stop. He shoved the guy forward as he let him go with a huff. “Can somebody get this guy out of here please.”

“I’m sorry ‘bout that.” Frank muttered as he watched the guy get dragged out by a bouncer, the other friends following close behind. He looked at you and you simply sighed, running a hand over your forehead and you shook your head.

“Got a name, tough guy?” You asked with a soft breath and a raised eyebrow.

“Uhm…” Frank bit his lip softly, still not getting in the habit of not being able to introduce himself as, well, himself, so he sighed out, “Pete.”

“Well Pete, I didn’t need saving. He was just a drunk asshole, and like you said I see that shit a lot.” You leaned on one of your heels, tilting your head as you grabbed another beer from the cooler and placed it in front of him, knowing he didn’t ask you for it, but gave it to him anyway.

“I don't doubt it. But maybe I just don’t like assholes.” Frank shrugged with a small smile, nodding at you as he grabbed the beer and took a swig of it.

“Are you sure you aren’t one of those assholes Pete?”

“I try not to be, most days I am, not tonight.” He chuckled, digging through his back pocket and pulled out a $10 bill. He placed it on the bar and nodded. “That’s for you.”

“Don’t worry, it’s on me. For not being an asshole tonight.” You smiled, noticing the hesitant look he gave you, but you simply nodded again, sliding the bill back to him. “If you decide to not be an asshole tomorrow, I could buy you a drink when I’m done here. Enjoy the live music too, I’ve heard it’s pretty good.”

“I uh,” Frank bit his lip, slightly tapping the side of his bottle. He was supposed to leave first thing tomorrow morning. This was just supposed to be another town he would leave in the rear view. But the way you were looking at him, smiling at him, made him think that maybe another night here wouldn’t hurt him. He had nowhere to go, what was one more night? “I think maybe I’ll take you up on that.”

“Good.” You smiled, but heard someone on the other end of the bar call you, so you turned to walk that way, but stopped when you heard Frank speak again.

“So if I come tomorrow night and I don’t find you, who should I ask for? Should I ask for the bartender with the pretty eyes or do I get a name?” Frank asked with a soft smirk tugging the corner of his lips. Maybe he still had some of that charm somewhere buried within himself. But he knew he definitely made you flustered judging by the way you looked down and smiled.

“Y/N, you can ask for Y/N, I’ll be here.”

Shit, maybe he did have somewhere to go. He could stay here for tonight, and maybe tomorrow night, because at least now he knew that if he came here, he could find someone that had that bright look in her eyes that he could look forward to, even if it was for a night.

[charles-rxwlands]

lay all your love on me

okay!! so this is my fic for @magpiencrow's 1.2k writing challenge.

this is based off of the song lay all your love on me, slowed, by putin

pairing: nikolai/reader

rating: general

tags: gn!reader w/ gn pronouns, fluff

summary: falling in love with nikolai lantsov told through several vignettes

or: mindless nikolai/reader fluff with a alina and ivan being little shits

warnings: right off the bat there's a nightmare about drowning in the ocean, and there's one (1) swear word at the end, but other than that, there's nothing

word count: 4.1k

read on ao3

constructive criticism, feedback, and reblogs are greatly appreciated !

I haven't written anything in a while, so i may be a bit rusty, but please enjoy :)

You were drowning, and also pretty damn sure you were going to die out here. Your lungs were on fire, screaming for air, but you couldn't emerge from the ocean for long enough to suck in a breath. Sure, your hand or head breached the surface every now and then, but a wave would come crashing down on you immediately after, destroying all your progress.

      The undulating waves threw you around like a football - a very pathetic one, at that. As hard as you tried to fight the current, it still insisted on moving against you (stubborn bastard), so really you weren't going anywhere. Just pathetically bobbing around in the same pathetic place. You couldn't feel your limbs - the only thing you could feel was the agonising ache in your chest. It was as if your arms and legs had frozen over along with your will to live.

      How easy it would be to just... 

...let the ocean take you...

      Suddenly, someone grabbed you by the wrist. You screamed, which was a mistake; immediately, salty seawater filled your mouth, making you gag and choke. Nevertheless, you valiantly tried to release yourself from whoever - whatever? - had their hold on you. 

      "Y/n, Y/n! Relax, darling, relax," a voice said, sounding out of breath. "It's me."

      You whirled your head around. Sagging with relief, you gasped out the name of your saviour. "Nikolai."

      "Yes. Yes, Y/n, my love, it's me. It's Nikolai," he soothed, running his hands over your wet hair.

      "Nikolai," you breathed. "Nikola-" - a wave reared up on its hind legs, ready to come crashing down onto your friend, ready to take him away - "no, no, Nikolai, NO-!"

   

You startled, eyes flying open. You were shaking like a leaf. Were you cold, or was it just the adrenaline from the nightmare still making its course? You shook your head as if to rid your mind of the dream. It wasn't real. Nikolai had saved you that night. It was fine. It wasn't real.

      But it could very well have been real, a traitorous voice in your mind whispered. Scowling, you cursed your pessimistic side. Even if a wave had separated you two, Nikolai would have fought tooth and nail to get to you again. You would have done the same. After all, you were childhood friends, and you knew better than anyone that Nikolai didn't let go of his loved ones so easily.

      He hadn't wanted you to accompany him on his journey overseas as Sturmhond. You insisted otherwise, channeling some of Nikolai's stubbornness that had rubbed off on you. ("You're not getting rid of me that easily, idiot. So let me come, unless you want me to steal your kneecaps."). 

      A half-smile appeared on your face as you thought back to the memory. Slowly, you got up from your bed. Your blanket was draped over your shoulders. You slipped out of your cabin quietly, walking down the hallway until you found yourself in front of Nikolai's room. He stirred in his sleep when you entered. The door creaked slightly, but it didn't seem like his distress was because of the noise.

      You sat on the edge of his bed. Nikolai, previously facing away, turned over to face you. His eyes were still screwed shut, eyebrows knitted together and an unhappy expression on his face. You frowned. 

      "Nikolai." you nudged him gently. "Wake up. You're okay, just wake up. It's just a dream."

      He opened his eyes, blinking at you. "Y/n?"

      "Hi," you said. A lock of golden hair fell over his forehead, and upon instinct, you reached to brush it away. He let you, not uttering any of his usual complaints. 

      "You were gone," he mumbled, undoubtedly referencing his nightmare. "I- I couldn't save you, and you were gone." 

      You shifted into a more comfortable position - your whole body was on the bed now, with your back against the headboard. He leaned his head against your chest, and you ran your fingers through his hair. "It wasn't real. It's okay. You saved me - I'm not going anywhere, 'Lai."

      "Me either," he agreed, wrapping his arms around your middle. A beat of silence. Then, "Thank you."

      You were more than content to fall asleep like this. Even if it meant waking up with an ache in your neck. Judging from the way he was curled up, practically drinking in your presence, Nikolai felt the same way.

      What a feeling it was to have found solace in Nikolai Lantsov, and to know he had found solace in you, too.

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

Nikolai's pov

Nikolai watched from the corner of the ballroom as you laughed at one of Ivan's jokes. One would say that he was scowling, but the Prince of Ravka didn't scowl. No - he was simply observing your conversation with the Heartrender with visible distaste. He was not scowling. And he was not jealous.

      You and Ivan were smiling at each other, standing by the refreshments table, mouths moving quickly, the both of you obviously interested in whatever you were talking about. You threw your head back in a laugh. You looked gorgeous. Nikolai wanted to make you laugh like that - more than he wanted to admit.

      The last straw was when Ivan lay a hand on your shoulder, and then snaked his arm around you. You didn't seem perturbed by his touch - no, actually, you leaned into it. He bent down to whisper something in your ear that made you duck your head in embarrassment and lightly hit his chest. 

      Nikolai's glare deepened, if that were even possible. Okay, fine, maybe he was jealous. Did he even have the right to be jealous, though? It wasn't as if he was dating you, as much as he'd like to be.

And oh boy, he'd like to be. 

      Suddenly, Alina appeared at his side, seemingly out of thin air. He flinched. "Alina." 

      The girl in question had a mischievous look in her eye. Her hands were clasped in front of her, the long, flowy sleeves of her dress falling just past her wrists. The bottom half of her gown was a sparkly gold, whereas the top half was a dark blue. The two colours faded into each other at the middle, creating a gradient effect. It was a beautiful dress. You had helped Alina pick it out yourself, if he remembered correctly.

      "Hello, loverboy." she poked him in the side, grinning knowingly. "How's your crush on Y/n going for you?"

      "I don't have a crush on them, Alina, for Saint's sake."

      "Oh, is that so? You do seem... ah, what was the word... utterly whipped for them, contrary to what you just said," she said, tilting her head to the side, feigning innocence.

      "Am not," he argued. "I-," Nikolai paused, taking notice of you and Ivan walking past a couple metres away. Unfortunately, you were too engrossed in your current conversation to notice him. His eyes lingered on you. He only looked away when you disappeared back into the throng of people. 

      Alina let out a triumphant 'ha!'. 

      He directed his attention back to her and glared. "Alina, I swear-,"

      "Utterly. Whipped," she mouthed.

      "I will behead you," he threatened.

      She laughed. "In all seriousness, I really don't think Y/n and Ivan like each other like that," Alina said.

      "Well, of course not," he agreed. "Y/n very clearly has eyes for me. I can't say I blame them - who could resist all this? Everyone's all over me, as I'm sure you've noticed." 

      Alina stared at him pointedly.

      "Ah, except for you, of course. You seem to be the only one immune to my charm and charisma. An odd one, you are."

       She rolled her eyes. "Why do I even bother," she groaned. "Just swear to me that you'll tell Y/n you like them soon. Within a week. Swear on... your dignity."

      "My dignity?" Nikolai drawled.

      "Yes, your dignity, because if you don't fess up soon, I'll have to tell Y/n about your crush on them myself," she grinned smugly, and darted off before Nikolai could retort. 

      He sighed. As he saw it, he had three options:

      1. Blackmail Alina (because of course she wouldn't give in to simple bribery)

      2. Get on his knees and beg Alina to not tell you of his massive crush (there! he admitted it; he had a massive crush on you! One that he'd been harbouring for just over a year now, too)

      3. Listen to Alina, and confess on his own terms

      All three were mortifying, and things he absolutely didn't want to do. However, the last was considerably easier to do, and came with the most benefits and the least consequences. You had already seen him through his most embarrassing moments (and he through yours) so even if you rejected him, the humiliation would be minimal. 

      And maybe he wanted to confess. And maybe there was hope that you liked him back. Nikolai wasn't stupid - he knew when people fancied him. He suspected you liked him back, but then again, that could've been wishful thinking, or maybe he was misreading the entire thing.

      He didn't even understand why he was so jealous of the way Ivan and you had interacted. Before he had fallen heads over heels in love with you, his childhood best friend, people flirting with you hadn't been a problem. He'd encouraged it, even. But now, bitterness flared up inside of him every time he saw someone getting a bit too cozy with you. 

      In short, his feelings for you had completely destroyed his facade of smooth, suave, sexy Prince of Ravka. And it kind of terrified him how poorly he hid it.

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

Nikolai had been acting strange lately, and it was bothering you. You feared the worst - had he finally caught on to your crush? You thought you'd been subtle until Ivan had approached you at the most recent party. Apparently, the scowl on your face as you watched Nikolai flirt with the guests had been fierce enough to kill.

      Ivan had given you (unsolicited) advice, telling you to be straightforward and direct. That was what he'd done with Fedyor, after all, and that had worked out well.

      You were pacing around your room. Ivan was perched on your bed, watching you have a borderline nervous breakdown like one would watch the view. 

      "You're enjoying this, aren't you, Ivan?" you demanded. "I'm about to make a life or death decision, and you're enjoying it."

      He chuckled. "I wouldn't call this a life or death decision, Y/n. If Nikolai rejects you, he rejects you, and it's his loss. If he reciprocates, good, and you'll be free to frolic in the meadows with him, all fine and dandy."

      You stared at him, your expression communicating, "Did you really just say that?", very clearly.

      "Okay, okay, fine, I'll be serious." Ivan relented. "Just tell him, Y/n. What's the worst that could happen?" 

      Just as you were about to respond - "Well, I don't know, what if he rejects me, things become eternally awkward between us, and our 10 year long friendship is ruined because I couldn't keep my mouth shut?" - someone knocked at the door. You opened it to find Nikolai waiting. His hair was perfectly styled, as always. He wore a dark turquoise suit jacket, and a simple white dress shirt underneath. The ghost of a smile appeared on your face; you had chosen the colour for him.

      "Hi, Nikolai," you greeted. 

      "Hello," he said. "Come on a walk with me. It's a lovely day outside, and both of us have been dreadfully busy lately - we may not get another chance to spend time together, I'm afraid."

      "Oh! Of course, just let me grab more suitable shoes- I'll be out in a minute- Ivan, move." You rummaged around your room in search of the sandals Nikolai had gifted you for your most recent birthday. Ivan flashed you a grin.

      "Tell him!" he whispered as you ducked out the door.

      You hoped you didn't seem too jittery as you took Nikolai's arm, even if your insides were filled with butterflies. He seemed deep in thought for the first few minutes of your walk. It wasn't until you were both outside that he finally spoke.

      "I hope you don't mind me asking, Y/n, but what was Ivan doing in your room?" he asked. 

      The question caught you off guard. Why was he so concerned about you and Ivan? It wasn't as if-

      Oh.

      Oh.

      "Nikolai, don't tell me- are you jealous?" you exclaimed.

      "Just answer the question, Y/n," he grumbled, which was enough of an answer for you.

      You laughed, only feeling a bit bad that you were so amused. Nikolai Lantsov, jealous. You found that incredibly funny. "Oh, I'm sorry for laughing," you apologised, even as another giggle escaped your mouth. "You don't have to worry, Ivan and I are strictly friends."

      He didn't seem convinced. "But the two of you at the party a few days ago-,"

      You cut him off. "Nikolai. I promise that there is nothing romantic going on with Ivan and I. And besides, I don't think I'm anywhere near his type."

      "Ivan likes men, Nikolai," you supplied, sensing his confusion. "Honestly, you need to keep up with gossip - he and Fedyor have been going strong for nearly three months now."

      "Oh," Nikolai said.

      "Yeah, oh."

      "And, uh, do you? Like men, I mean?" 

      You bit back another laugh. "Yes, I do. One man in particular, actually." 

      "Is that so? Care to clue me in on who this man is?"

      "You." 

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

Nikolai's pov

"You."

      As soon as that single word came out of your mouth, Nikolai's brain short-circuited, and several alarms blared in his mind. ALERT! ALERT! THE PERSON YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH LIKES YOU BACK! 

      He was too stunned to speak, which was definitely a first. So, naturally, he didn't speak, but instead leaned in to kiss you. His lips brushed chastely against yours. A pause. 

      "I- I'm really sorry, Y/n, I should have asked beforehand-,"

      "Nikolai." you took his face in your hands. "Shut up." 

      And then you kissed him, and if his brain had been short-circuiting before, this was a full blown system failure. Sparks flew inside of him, and he was acutely aware of you and you only. It was a wonderful feeling, one that he immediately missed when you pulled away.

      "Wow," you said. 

      He grinned. "I'm that good of a kisser, huh?"

      When usually you would come up with a witty response, you just smiled. It was a smile Nikolai was pretty sure he'd die to see again. 

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

Falling in love with Nikolai had been a long process. Your simple crush developed into something deeper like a leaky faucet dripping - slowly, but steadily. And then the realisation that you were in love with him hit you like a tidal wave. Drowning you, consuming every inch of your being, but not necessarily in a bad way.

       You came to your epiphany while laying awake in bed one night after a whole day spent with the esteemed King of Ravka. It was a wonder that you'd managed to spend a whole 10 hours or so in his company without getting fed up, Tamar had teased. He did annoy you - and had today - but you bullied him back plenty enough. It was easy being with him. Easier than you were used to. 

       You loved the way his eyes sparkled after correcting someone on their use of the word 'impossible'. Loved how he devoted himself to his country so selflessly. Loved how he smiled at you so genuinely and lovingly, even when you didn't have the energy to show your love in return after a bad day. Saints, you loved him so, so much, and you were so in love with him, too, and-

       Holy shit. You were in love with Nikolai.

       You were in love. With Nikolai.

       A childish giggle bubbled up inside of you, and you sighed happily. What a feeling it was to be in love with the King of Ravka, even if he didn't know it yet. 

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

You twirled a small flower around in your hands as you walked side by side with Nikolai, your shoulders brushing occasionally. The taller blades of grass tickled your ankles, and a gentle breeze weaved through your hair. The sun peeked out from behind a few clouds, warming your face.

     Nikolai intertwined your fingers, sighing in content. He craned back his neck to meet the sunshine, eyes fluttering shut. He looked stunning, just standing there with his almost otherworldly beauty as light spilled over his fine features, highlighting every detail.

     "I'm in love with you," you blurted suddenly. "I love you, and I'm also in love with you, so. Yeah. I'm in love with you, Nikolai Lantsov."

     You gave yourself a mental round of applause for your eloquence and tact.

      He blinked. "Oh." The ghost of a smile appeared on his face, turning into a full-fledged grin when he finally processed your words. "Oh. I'm... I'm in love with you, too, Y/n L/n."

      You beamed back at him, and cupped his face in your hands. You gently ran your fingers against his cheeks, tracing a line down to the base of his chest. The fabric of his shirt was thin and soft, unlike the suffocating material his suits were made of. Lovingly, he wrapped his arms around your waist, and pulled you close. Your heart fluttered. Saints, you adored Nikolai. More than you could put into words. 

      "I love you," you whispered. "I love you so much, so intensely that it consumes me, and I'm drowning in it. But instead of it being hard to breathe, it makes breathing easier. It makes everything easier." 

      You interrupted your little speech by kissing him, just because it felt appropriate, and continued. "I was so lost without you, Nikolai. I didn't realise it, because as I've proved time and time again, I'm more than capable of holding my own-" you smirked as he rolled his eyes at the jab to his overprotectiveness "-but I was. I was a boat lost at sea, floating around in the waves, with no destination and no goal except surviving. Then you came along, and gave me solace. You were my salvation. You and your endearingly stupid jokes and your wild yet grounded behaviour. You're my anchor, Nikolai." 

      He laughed, but not in the mean way. In the happy way. 

      "I would pay you back with a monologue of my own," he said. "but all I can think of right now is how perfect you are, and how much I want to kiss you."

      Your smile widened, if that were even possible. You met him midway, lips connecting almost desperately. The only coherent thought running through your brain was 'Nikolai, Nikolai, Nikolai.'

      Nikolai.

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

"That one looks like a dragon," you said, pointing out a lumpy cloud in the sky.

      Nikolai tilted his head to the left. It was rather cute - he looked like a puppy, trying to figure out what its owner was saying. His right eyebrow curved in an upward arch (you still had no idea how he managed to raise a single eyebrow at a time), and he pouted slightly. Adorable.

      "I don't see it," he deadpanned.

      You sighed and shook your head, dismissing the cute puppy ideology. "Nevermind," you huffed. As hard as you tried to pretend you were upset with him, a smile teased at the corners of your mouth, anyway.

      "I'm sorry, darling, but I really don't!" he exclaimed, flopping back into the picnic blanket you two had laid out. Really, it wasn't even a picnic blanket. It was just a blanket. The two of you hadn't had time to find a proper one before embarking on your impromptu picnic. Nikolai, ever the improviser, had then brandished a quilt from Saints knew where. You suspected it came from Vasily's room, because who else would be pompous enough to own a red velvet blanket the size of China?

      You dramatically exhaled again. "I already said nevermind. Not all of us can be blessed with a creative vision such as mine, after all."

      Nikolai laughed. And Saints, the sound was downright melodic. You didn't even want to begin thinking about all the things you'd do to hear it one more time.

      A comfortable silence settled between the two of you. Eventually, he began stroking your palm with his callouses fingers. You bit back a smile, and linked your pinkies together. A gathering of clouds mostly covered the sun - enough to allow only a bit of warm, gold light to seep out. You wondered briefly how Nikolai looked right now, basking underneath the faint sunshine. 

      The answer came to you easily, even without looking at him: fucking beautiful. 

      However, you wouldn't give him the satisfaction of staring at him. The last time he had caught you gaping at him like a lovesick fool, he had teased you endlessly. It was ridiculous. It wasn't as if he didn't stare at you. No, actually. He stared at you all the time. In fact, he was doing it right now.

      You bit back a grin when you felt his eyes on you. But before you could tease him for it, he got up suddenly, offering you a hand.

      "Come on," he urged. "Follow me."

      "Where to?" you questioned curiously.

      He smirked. Tugged on your hand. Winked. "You'll see." 

      "Right, that's not cryptic at all," you muttered. 

      Eventually, after a minute or so of walking (and plenty of you trying to weasel more information out of him) the two of you had seemed to reach your destination. A huge tree hung above you, offering its shade. You plopped down, but Nikolai remained standing.

      Strangely, he was looking rather nervous. Repeatedly tugging at the collar of his beige button-up shirt, and kicking at the grass. 

      "Y/n, darling, don't just sit there, you're making me nervous," he whined. 

      You giggled, but stood up anyway. "I could say the same about you. What's on your mind, dear?"

      He took a deep breath, and looked you dead in the eyes. "I love you, Y/n. I love you, and I'm in love with you. I always have, and always have been. It's just- you're wonderful. And intelligent. And charming. And I am so, so glad you are my partner - in the romantic sense, and the platonic sense. If I'm being honest, I'm quite sure I'd be tearing at the seams without you to sew me back together every time I do something particularly foolish. 

      And I hope you'll always be there to ground me. Because I will always be there for you. Th-there's no other way to say this, my darling, but I'd quite like to spend the rest of my life with you, so..."

      He brandished a dark blue box from his back pocket (this probably wasn't the time, but you had to mention that you could never fit something that large in your pocket. Why did men's clothing always have bigger pockets?) and got down on one knee. 

      "Will you do me the honour of marrying me, Y/n?" he finished.

      Holy fuck. Holy mother of Saints. Holy everything. Was this real? Saints. This really was real, wasn't it? Nikolai Lantsov was proposing to you.

      A sob escaped from your throat, and you nodded frantically, not wanting him to think you were upset. "Yes," you said. "Saints, Nikolai, yes."

      He smiled. You knew that he smiled a lot, but this smile was different. Usually, he just grinned or smirked in a devilish way - this was more of a beam. He looked so genuinely happy (genuinely happy, because of you!) that it made your heart soar, and you were pretty sure you fell in love with him all over again for the second time. You'd never get tired of it, though. Not when it came to Nikolai (Nikolai, your husband-to-be!). Never when it came to Nikolai.

      You soon found yourself enveloped in a hug. He spun you around, both of you laughing (and crying). When he set you down, you could have sworn you saw his eyes welling up.

      "Now, my love, those better be happy tears," he tutted.

      "Of course they're happy tears, you stupid puppy dog!" you sniffed. "I love you."

      He beamed into your hair. "I love you, too, Y/n."

      What a feeling it was to be in love with Nikolai Lantsov, and to know that he was in love with you, too.

[azaleavi]

Baby, show me what it's like - Y.B.

Summary: Dancing with a stranger at a party doesn’t seem like a bad idea. That is until it turns out she is the leader of a motorcycle club.

Word count: 3.1k

Warnings: language, alcohol consumption, kissing, dancing with a stranger

Author’s note: I don’t really have anything to say lol please let me know what you think about this!

Feedback is always appreciated and don’t forget to reblog and like if you enjoyed it and want to see more. Thank you!

Masterlist

The music blasting in the small space shook your whole body as you walked through the crowd following your friends. They dragged you out to party because - in their words - you needed to find someone to take the stress out of your body. College has been hard on you in the last couple of weeks as you had exams after assignments. You were stressed at the time, but since everything has been done you felt fine.

But now you are here at a club that is overstuffed with people. You reach the bar where your friends are already waiting for you. They already ordered way too many shots for you and you feel your stomach turn at the thought of all the alcohol they will make you drink. You want to have fun so you grab the shot glass closest to you and drown it in one shot. They all cheer at your action so you raise the now empty glass to the air before slamming it down the countertop. Another full glass is shoved into your hands and you drink it without hesitation. The alcohol burns as it travels through your body, making you shiver and grimace. You are so going to regret this.

After a few minutes of drinking, they grab your hands and lead you to the dance floor. You roll your eyes as they find a space big enough for you all to fit. You feel the beat course through your body making your hips move. The music and the alcohol combined allow you to let loose. You raise your hands to the air above your head as you sway your hips to the beat.

A few songs come and go and you feel yourself get progressively more carefree and you feel a pair of eyes on your body. If you were sober you might find it creepy but right now you just love the attention. You circle your hips harder and more seductively, hoping that the person staring at you takes his chance. You drag your hands down your body as you lean your head back, baring your neck. Slowly spinning around you show them your full body from every angle, your heart beating rapidly. You have never done this before, but you find it exhilarating.

Biting your lip you close your eyes just as a pair of arms wrap around your waist. A smirk makes its way into your lips as you feel the stranger’s body flush against you. Your eyes are still closed and you don’t want to open them. You want to live in this moment without worrying about who is behind you. The hands splay on your stomach as you lean your head back onto his shoulder. The person behind you is around the same height as you, maybe a little taller. Perfect.

One of the hands leaves your front and it sweeps your hair away from your neck that is closer to his face. Your heart beats at the same time as a soft kiss is left on the skin of your neck. The other hand leads your hips along with his, your mouth opening in a silent moan. The kisses keep being placed on your neck and you turn your head to give him more space. They turn open-mouthed and it makes you grab his hands that are on your stomach. His lips travel up to under your ear and he nips at the skin there. Your hands squeeze his and you hear a low chuckle in your ear, his breath hitting the shell of your ear, making you shiver. You push out your behind to his front which makes his hands squeeze your hips. Two fingers tap on your jaw on the other side of your head and they push you to turn your head towards the person's face whom you still haven't seen.

Your eyes stay closed as you feel him lean over to your lips, but before they can press onto yours, you open your eyes. Your whole body freezes as you realize who is in front of you. A woman. You push her away frantically as you stumble backward, colliding with other people who are unaware of what's happening. You mumble out a sorry which you are sure they don't hear, but you don't care. You almost kissed a woman. And not just any woman. The stranger in front of you is Yelena Belova. The Yelena Belova. Everyone in the city knows her and avoids her as much as they can. She is the leader of the Widow Club. One of the most dangerous people in the area. They all carry guns around, ride motorcycles and wear as much leather as they can. Like she is doing now, as she has a black leather jacket on with leather pants and a simple white t-shirt. It's hot. No, you can't think like that. She is dangerous. And she is looking right at you now.

You gulp as she keeps staring with her eyebrows raised expectantly. She takes a step closer to you and you try to stand your ground on shaky legs. She raises her hand and your eyes warily follow all her movements. The music is still blasting around you, but your ears are ringing as she sweeps your hair out of your face. Your mouth opens slightly and her eyes move down to it from your eyes. You close it quickly when you notice where her attention has shifted.

"What's wrong darling?" her accent surprises you and your body doesn't move as she steps even closer. Her face is a few inches from yours and you can't think of anything else but how gorgeous she is "Hmm?" she makes you feel small even though she is only a few inches taller than you.

"I don't- I can't- I'm not-" you stumble over your words making her smile at your cuteness. You are adorable.

"What is it?" she tilts her head to the side. You know she is talking to you like a baby, but somehow you find yourself liking it.

"I like men" the words fall out of your lips messily and your eyes widen at your own confession. Will she be mad?

"Are you sure?" she squints at you, not quite believing your words. Maybe you don't know yet "Because it seemed to me that you enjoyed yourself a few seconds prior" her smile is kind, but you are having a hard time believing she is being sincere.

"I thought you were a man" you avert your eyes and instead look at the people around you.

"Okay" she swiftly steps back with her hands up in surrender. You look at her in confusion "I don't know how badly you think of me" she begins and you look down on the ground in shame "but I won't push you to do anything" she gives you a small smile and then she is out of your sight, the crowd swallowing her. She is gone just like that. You stand there in shock as you try to process what happened. You spoke to one of the most feared people in the city. What is more, you danced with her and almost kissed her. And it was hot. Wait, no. It wasn't. It's just the alcohol in your system that makes you think like this.

You shake your head to clear your head, but it doesn't help much. Looking around you find your friends a few feet away from you, clearly not knowing what just happened. You walk over to them and tell them that you don't feel too good and you want to go home. You say your goodbyes and leave the place to flag down a taxi to finally go home and spend a sleepless night tossing and turning in your bed with a certain woman on your mind.

-

A whole week passes by and you still haven't forgotten about your almost kiss with Yelena. It's been on your mind every day since it happened and you found yourself fantasizing about what would have happened if you didn't stop. It's been annoying you the whole time, but you refused to dwell on it for too long. Until now.

You can't think of anyone else but her, even when a man is right in front of you. You can't kiss anyone without her face being the one that pops up in your mind. You don't understand what she did to you, but something is not right and you know how you can make it go away. You just have to kiss her and you are good. You don't know what it would be like and that's why you can't think about it. That has to be it. It's the only explanation.

Thus you decided to go to the place normal people wouldn't think of going. The Widow Club's place.

As you reach the old building your stomach contracts, your heart beating rapidly. Sweat coats your palms as you walk through the gate and into the yard that stretches in front of the building. Every head turns to you which makes you stop in your tracks, your fake confidence faltering.

"What do you want?" one of the women shouts at you which makes you slightly vince. They all laugh at your reaction.

"I'm looking for Yelena Belova" you speak back loud enough for them to hear. The woman who spoke to you raises her eyebrows and stands up from where she was sitting fixing her bike. She opens her mouth to speak but a door to her right opens and out walks the woman you are looking for. You unconsciously straighten your spine as she looks you up and down and you see recognition in her eyes. She remembers you.

"Come in" she looks into your eyes and you quickly walk toward her. She lets you walk through the open door first and you find yourself in a small office. Shelves line the wall to your right and a table with two chairs on either side of it is in the middle of the room.

Turning around you find Yelena flipping someone off outside the room before turning to you and closing the door behind her.

"So what do you want?" she sits down on her chair and motions for you to do the same across the table. You follow her and sit down. You inhale deeply and the air leaves your lungs in a long sigh.

"What did you do to me?" you look into her striking eyes and you almost lose yourself in it.

"What?" she leans forward to rest her elbows on the table.

"What did you do to me?" you repeat yourself a little slower.

"No I understood what you said, I just don't know what you mean" she shakes her head with a small smile on her lips. The lips you couldn't stop thinking about the past week. You clear your throat and look away from her face.

"Why can't I stop thinking about you and our almost kiss?" you steel yourself as you let the words fall from your lips. Maybe she has the answer to the question that has been burning you. She stares at you for a few seconds without moving at all and you start to feel uncomfortable.

"Are you serious?" she bursts out laughing out of nowhere. She falls back into her chair and now it's your turn to stare at her. Her laugh. Oh god her laugh is the most wonderful sound you have ever heard. When she quiets down a little she stands up and walks around the table to your side. You lean back as she places her hands on either side of you on the chair. Your gulp is visible to her and she tilts her head to the side in wonder.

"Are you scared of me?" she looks into your wide eyes, her voice is soft.

"No" your answer is quick and it comes out without thinking. Without knowing you ease her worries with just that one word.

"Does your heart beat faster when I'm this close?" she leans in closer and you suck in a breath which answers enough for her "You said you keep thinking about me" she grabs your arms to pull you up into a standing position "Well, I keep thinking about you too" she guides you to lean your back against the table and you let her move you however she wants. Her words leave you speechless, your heart drumming against your ribs in anticipation. She places her hands on either side of you on the table, caging you in.

"What do you want me to do about it?" her face comes closer to yours, her eyes not leaving your lips, and all of your resolves disappear.

"Kiss me" these two words are all she needs before her lips crash into yours. Your arms wrap around her neck to pull her closer as her tongue swipes across your bottom lip and your mouth opens to give her access. She explores your mouth making both of you moan into the fervent kiss. You know she is experienced from the way she moves her lips against yours and it only makes you even more frustrated in the best way.

She pulls away from you after a few seconds, eliciting a groan from you. Your eyes stay closed as you relish the feeling of being kissed by her for the first time. She places her thumb on your lips which makes you open your eyes. Her orbs are full of emotions you can't quite grasp yet, but you want to learn all of them. You lean toward her, but stop before you could kiss her again. Your mind is a mess and you can only think about her and her soft lips right now.

"Again?" the cheeky smile on her face leaves you breathless and you can only nod in response. She lets out a small chuckle before pressing her lips to yours again. Your noses bump against each other as her hands grasp your waist. Your fingers tangle in her blonde hair as she shifts her body flush against yours. Her hands find the back of your thighs to help you sit up onto the desk, knocking over everything in your way. Pencils fall on the ground along with their holder amidst loud clangs, but neither of you cares. She stands between your open legs, her lips not leaving yours for a second. You feel her palms brush the skin of your thighs and your mind goes into a frenzy.

A knock sounds from the door and you immediately pull away from her startled by the sudden interruption. Leaning her forehead against your shoulder she groans which makes you giggle. Pressing one last kiss on your lips she walks to the door and opens it.

"This better be important" her voice is authoritative and you are glad she doesn't see you as you bite your lip and clench your thighs together. God, she is so hot.

"Sorry boss we just heard some loud noises and we wanted to check on you to see if you were okay" you can hear the voice of the woman who spoke to you before, now it's laced with a smile as if she can barely hold back from bursting out laughing. They must be close.

"Fuck off" Yelena scoffs at her and she finally lets out the laugh she has been holding back. She slams the door in the woman's face and she turns back to you while shaking her head with a smile on her face. You lean back onto your hands on the table and tilt your head to the side as you watch her mumble under her breath. You catch a few idiots and I should be more strict which makes you smile. Is this the big, feared leader of the Widow Club? People don't know the real her it seems.

Her eyes find yours and she just looks at you for a few seconds. She has stunning eyes. In a few long strides, she is in front of you again, her hands on your legs.

"So how was that pretty girl?" her nose brushes yours which makes a small whine escape the confines of your lips. You avert your eyes bashfully after the sound you make. You seem way too needy.

"Did you like it?" her thumb brushes your cheek and your heartbeat speeds up at the tender touch "Did it answer your question?"

"Yes" the word comes out breathy "to both of them" your answer makes her chuckle.

"And what is the answer?" she pushes you.

"I want more" you confess while closing your eyes. You are too scared to see her reaction and it seems too real now that you said it out loud. You've never thought of any woman like this before.

"More of what?" her thumb keeps stroking your cheek making it hard to think straight.

"You" you keep your eyes closed because you know you would get lost in her orbs if you freed yours.

"Me?" the surprise in her voice is unmistakable and it makes you open your eyes.

"Yes, you" you nod confidently "I want to get to know you" you decide to tell her how you feel, and the smile that lights up her face is worth embarrassing yourself. She slams her lips onto yours making you grab her arm so you don't fall backward. Her kiss is hurried as she pours all her emotions into it and you feel like the whole room is spinning around you.

Pulling away the adorable smile makes its way back to her face and you feel your insides turn into mush at how endearing she is.

"I can't wait to get to know you" you laugh as she holds out her hand for you to shake.

"Yelena Belova" she introduces herself and you tell her your name in return.

"I think we will have a lot of fun together" her smile turns cheeky and you feel your face heat up at the implication of her words.

You can't wait to learn everything about the person most people know by reputation and you are glad you get the opportunity to be close to her. Who needs men when you have a woman like this next to you?

[mattsvn]

CHANCE BALL LOVE!

Pairing: Ushijima Wakatoshi x gn!reader

Genre: Meet ugly! strangers to lovers! Getting hit in the head with a volleyball!

Warnings: Blood, head injury, concussion, did I mention getting hit in the head with a volleyball? Food hehe, that's all.

WC: 2.4K

Summary: After being hit with a volleyball by the ace and U19 athlete, Ushijima Wakatoshi, you find yourself laying in the nurse's office, with a bag of ice on your head and a boy apologizing every two minutes for that terrible accident. As the times goes by, you realize that not only you were hit by a ball, but by destiny, and more important, love.

A/N: I'm so excited for this piece! This is a collab for HQHQ (now Anilysium!) The masterlist is here! I hope you like this piece! Reblogs are appreciated!

Life is made up of 90% causality and 10% coincidence.

That was what your mother used to say, with her hands covered with flour up to her elbows, while she prepared one of those delicious desserts. Possibly as a result of all her years perfecting her technique as a pastry chef, but, as in that, she considered that everything had to be planned, measured, and calculated.

On the other hand, your father was always talking about how fate made everything line up perfectly for things in his life to come in abundance, he would happily tell about the coincidences in his life, although the answer was always the same, a debate between the two of them as to what was the truth.

A skeptical pastry chef and a dreamy lawyer, a match made in heaven.

Whatever it had been, causality or causality, you never thought a hit of luck would be so...literal.

It was unusual for you to be in Shiratorizawa's volleyball gymnasium, if you had managed to get into such a prestigious high school it was because of the impeccable grades you always had, sports were not a priority.

You weren't afraid of balls, but, the way everyone was spiking the ball was about to cause you a headache, especially Ushijima Wakatoshi, the school's ace, one of the best athletes in the country.

"Why are we here, again?" you asked, your gaze wandering between the various players and the sound of balls hitting everywhere making the conversation feel distorted.

"Because they" one pointed out, to the rest of the girls looking around the court excitedly "want to see Semi Eita, the pretty boy with the grey hair" she gestured to the boy in the corner, slamming the ball to the ground unaware that they were watching.

"Ah" you replied, somewhat bored, grabbing your backpack and standing up. "Good luck with that, I have to get home early" you said, waving goodbye to everyone.

To leave, or at least, to do it in a faster way, the door that led out of the building, and through which you had to go through the court, was the best option, as it took longer to take the way inside the corridors. The only option as you made your way down the bleachers.

The only thing you heard, with your eyes glued to the ground, trying to go completely unnoticed was a "WATCH OUT!" that made you look up before you saw nothing but darkness.

"I don't know, Wakatoshi-kun, looks like you did kill her" a voice was heard in the distance, the light irritating your eyes if you tried to open them. Still, only because of your stubbornness, you tried to get up without anyone else's help.

"I don't think it's best if you stand up now" you heard a deeper voice, but you didn't know exactly where it was coming from.

"I'm fine" you whispered, placing a hand on where you assumed you had been hit with the volleyball, feeling a warm liquid staining it. It wasn't possible that a spike had cracked your forehead open, right?

Right?

"I'm fine, I have to go" as you stood up, opening your eyes, everything was spinning. An arm went around your shoulders, stopping you from falling back to the ground, firm, but at the same time gentle.

"You need to go to the infirmary, you're bleeding" the voice now seemed to be closer, a little more stable, but, no way did you feel you could even move without throwing up or passing out again, what the fuck had that hit been? Could someone hit someone that hard just with a serve?

The answer was yes, and the name, Ushijima Wakatoshi.

You barely felt it when, just like that, he lifted you off the ground, although it seemed that your body felt it. A piece of something, probably cloth or gauze stopped the bleeding. You kept repeating that at least they let you walk, that you were okay, even though, clearly, you had the symptoms of a concussion.

"Are you all right, can you tell me where you are?" questioned Ushijima, entering a room. You had finally managed to open your eyes and recover from the dizziness.

"I'm fine, we're at the high school" you whispered, looking at Ushijima for the first time.

Even if you had gone to games before, you had never seen that look on Wakatoshi's face, a mixture of fear and worry, accompanied by his pale face and a barely noticeable bloodstain on his shirt.

"You can wait outside, dear boy," said the nurse, slightly terrified by what had happened.

A couple of hours passed before they managed to let you go, after calling your parents and making sure you didn't leave the building unless you were accompanied. You didn't need stitches, and that was a huge plus, but still, you left the infirmary with a gauze pad on your forehead, some candy, and a chance to take the rest of the week off to rest, which wasn't such a bad outcome.

You closed the door behind you, looking sideways at Wakatoshi on the floor, who got up almost immediately, still looking scared, even his gaze lingered for a few seconds on the patch on your forehead, which reminded him of the fact that he had accidentally hit you with a volleyball while practicing his serves.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, looking disheveled, and as if he had done nothing more than wait in the hallway until everything was in order.

"Oh, don't worry, Ushijima-san, I'm fine" you assured, but it didn't seem to be enough for him.

"I'm so sorry, let me take you home to be sure you arrive safely" he asked, with his hands behind his back and his head slightly bent down, like a child discovered stealing the candy from the counter.

"My parents are here to take me home, don't worry" you assured, glancing sideways at the door, somewhat far away. "You can walk me to the car, if you like."

"Of course" he nodded, walking beside you. Up close he looked even taller than he was, his expression calm and his gaze fixed straight ahead, though, he seemed to have a doubt that would leave his lips at any moment "Would you allow me to walk you to school tomorrow?"

You looked at him with raised eyebrows, somehow, the sound of just both of your footsteps in the hallway was comforting, soothing. It wasn't awkward, or uncomfortable. Ushijma didn't believe in awkward silences, because to him actions said more than words, and, that a question shouldn't be answered right away. So, the way to the entrance was nothing more than waiting for an honest, and safe, answer.

"I got permission to miss classes for the rest of the week, in case the concussion gets complicated, because I have to rest" you began, letting again the calm silence take center stage for a couple of seconds. "Then I won't be back until Monday, but maybe you can come for dinner tomorrow?"

"If you accept that as my apology for hurting you, then by all means" he took the door, allowing you to leave before him, there was still a bit of a walk to the main entrance. "Although, I would like to cook"

"Oh, I didn't know you cooked," you smiled, looking up at him. Ushijima looked down, and, you could swear he was smiling too. "If that's what you prefer, I'd love to."

The rest of the walk was quiet, and calm. Ushijima said goodbye to you after introducing himself to your parents, and apologizing again. In the rearview mirror you saw him standing there, waiting until he didn't see the car to go home.

He was really worried, and it would probably take him a few days to stop being scared about what had just happened. He was even willing to be scolded by the coach for missing two days of practice, just to make sure everything was in order.

Likewise, even if it would be a whole day before you saw Ushijima, he decided to call you just before he went to bed. And at lunchtime, because doing it earlier would surely have woken you up. He didn't talk too much, he let you talk about how annoying the doctors at the hospital had been when you went to check that everything was okay, and all the boring time you spent there.

He called back as soon as he got out of school, to make sure the details of the dinner were ready, he would bring the food, and some dessert, and, you would bring the drinks. You had to convince him though, otherwise he would have bought everything, he would have even brought plates and silverware from his own house.

Wakatoshi took the job of bringing the food seriously, as much as he could buy anything on the way home, he decided to make something himself. The menu was simple, yakisoba, yukari rice balls with an egg on top of each dish. As for dessert, he decided not to risk it, and preferred to buy those box cakes that had been quite popular lately, and, some condensed milk truffles that Tendou gave him as a gift as, he assured, you would love them.

Your parents could be quite reluctant to invite a boy to the house, but, after proposing the idea that you could clean up the picnic table you had in the backyard, where there was a space convenient enough for them to peek in just a little to feel safe, they agreed almost immediately.

During the afternoon, the question you wanted to ignore came out of nowhere, could that be considered a date, and should you dress for the occasion? It didn't seem like anything would match a forehead injury, or that anything would hide it. The result ended up being something you would wear if you were going out with friends, simple, and appropriate for the sunny day out.

Ushijima arrived exactly at the appointed time, and, reluctantly from your parents, you opened the door without them intruding. Looking at him, you failed to understand the nervous feeling that traveled from your heart to the tips of your fingers, making them tremble. Standing with a bag in his left hand, his hair slightly tousled and a bouquet of flowers in the other. Yet another gesture of apology, right?

"Hi, I brought some flowers" he pointed out, extending them. Your hand gently brushing his as you took them, white roses with green accents that made the bouquet look incredibly elegant.

"I already told you that you didn't have to keep apologizing, Ushijima" you mentioned, taking the flowers. "We'll eat outside then you don't need to take off your shoes, but let me go get a vase."

"You look good today" he spoke out of nowhere, making you look at him even though you were already halfway down the aisle. "You look good in those clothes" he seemed to be trying to smile, but you weren't sure. You smiled anyway, grateful for the compliment.

You returned with the bouquet, which would now serve as a decoration for the picnic. You could feel the intense gaze of your parents even if they tried to hide when they peeked, or, according to them, "watched" that everything was in order.

"Are you feeling better then?" he asked, looking at how simply decorated the picnic table was but somehow looked incredibly cozy, with perfect tree shade.

As was now usual, Wakatoshi didn't talk more than usual, at least not at first, he wanted to hear about how you were feeling, and how many days you would be out of school, although you assured him that you would be back to your activities by next Monday, and that, your friends would take care of sending you the homework you needed. Then the questions about him began.

You learned a lot, how he learned to play volleyball at a young age, his interest in cooking but his almost zero ability to make desserts. My mother could make some, you laughed, drinking some cranberry juice in a wine glass, your father's idea. He told you about his new interest in plants, and his father's work out of the country. Even some good anecdotes about the volleyball team.

Dessert was something completely different, by that time, she started to excitedly explain his last game, and what it was like to be in the Olympics. Although it wasn't as noticeable, you could tell in the way his lips curved into a slight smile as he tried to find the right words to define how he felt.

Reluctantly, and after offering to do the dishes, you said no, keeping the bento boxes with the promise that you would bring lunch on Monday for both of you, and now a wide smile on his face, even when he had to go home.

The following Monday came terribly slow, with the only thing that made it better being that Ushijima had not stopped her constant calls, the day possibly delayed by dark clouds heralding torrential rain.

"You don't have to keep apologizing anymore, look, even the wound has healed" you said, to Ushijima who was standing at the entrance, now with a box of the truffles you had liked so much, and which he had now made.

"I know. But I'd really like to walk with you at school" he smiled. "If you'll let me.

"I'd love to."

Life is made up of 80% causality and 20% chance, and, although you wouldn't want to repeat the literal hit of luck you received, you hadn't wanted it any other way.

Going to the gym because your friends wanted to see a cute boy on the volleyball team, having to leave early because you had things to do at home, leaving through the door you had to walk through on the court, getting hit in the head with a volleyball, only to end up walking to school with him, fingers barely brushing, a tender kiss on the cheek before he left.

Eating now inside the house, holding hands, a kiss on the corner of the lips. Waiting in the bleachers for practice to end, a number one jacket covering you from the rain.

The worst way to get to know each other, and, somehow, it seemed you were made for one another.

[donutloverxo]

Before you

*not my gif*

Please note that my work is not to be reposted or published anywhere other than my Tumblr or AO3 account without my permission. Reblogs are most welcome though!

Note - this was requested by the lovely @whimsicalrogers thanks for all the icons, lock screen and dividers you made me! Thanks for the beta and all your advice @stargazingfangirl18. I hope I do you all proud🤭

Summary - Yours and Steve's relationship was perfect, until it wasn't. Will he be able to convince you to give him another chance?

Warnings - smut (m/f), jealousy, angst, dom/sub undertones.

Pairing - Steve Roger x reader

Word count - 4552

Masterlist is linked in the bio!

As someone who grew up watching an unhealthy amount of Disney movies and romcoms, you couldn’t help but dream, that someday your prince charming would come riding in on a white horse to whisk you away from your boring mundane life.

Someone you could love and hold forever, who’d do the same for you. Someone who’d always be there for you, to pick you up when you fall, to make you laugh when all you want to do is cry. Someone who’d be your everything and treat you as if you’re the most special person in the whole world.

But adulthood killed all those dreams all too easily. You learned the hard way that people didn’t really belong to each other. They barely even listened to when another person was talking.

You thought you came close a couple of times, but you never did find your special person. Everyone walks on their paths alone. And maybe it was better that way. You weren’t sure if you could ever completely open up and give yourself to someone else.

That was until Steve came along. He was someone as lost as you and even lonelier. Finding himself in a world he no longer recognised and among people he couldn’t really trust. It didn’t take that long for him to trust you.

You had put on Snow White which was Steve’s favorite from back in his day. You couldn’t help but insert yourself in the fairy-tale. After all Steve did always call you his princess.

“Steve?” You mumbled into his chest laying on top of him as the end credits played.

“Yes, sugar?” He replied running his hands through your hair before drawing small soothing patterns on your back.

He only had to move his nose an inch to smell your hair and get a whiff of your soft soothing scent. Who knew something so simple could be so blissful.

As much as he loved taking you out on the town and courting you to show you a good time and do all the things he never thought he could, he also loved spending these quiet evenings in with you. Where it was just him and you, the rest of the world just seemed to disappear. He wouldn’t trade them for anything.

“Never mind,” You shook your head. ‘It’s soon. You’ll scare him off.’ That incessant annoying voice in your head said.

“Hey,” He propped your chin up to make you look at him. His heart melted at your glossy eyes. So vulnerable and sensitive. Maybe it was what drew him to you. Your ability to be so sweet and wear your heart on your sleeve. Something he never could do. “What is it?” He asked lowly caressing your cheek. Not wanting to push you too much but he couldn’t really help himself when you looked so sad either.

“Do you think...” You whispered and licked your lips “We’ll be together forever. Like them.” You picked at the threads on his shirt too scared to look at him.

He smiled down at you. Getting up to sit straight and adjust you properly in his lap. “I know we will sweetheart.” He said confidently as if it was a fact.

You looked up at him still holding onto his shirt, as if he’d disappear if you let go for even a second “And do you think you’ll always love me?” You wanted to know.

“Yes, I’m sure of it. Where is this even coming from?” He frowned “I know... I don’t always do a good job of showing you I love you. This is new to me. I’ve never had a girlfriend.” And like the dork that he was he couldn’t help the goofy grin he made every time he referred to you as his girl “But I’ll do better,” He promised and pressed a long lingering kiss on your forehead to seal it. He cleared his throat to ask “What do you think I should do better?”

“No. You’re amazing, Steve, you don’t need to change.” You said giving his plump pink lips a quick peck “It’s just scary. How much I love you and how it can all go away if I’m not careful. People break up everyday and over the stupidest of things or over nothing. I don’t want that to be us.” You sighed unloading all your anxieties.

He nodded taking your words in “I understand. I’m scared of losing you too. More than you’ll ever know.” He paused looking for the best words “What we can do is maybe talk about such things?” He slowly suggested rocking you back and forth in his arms.

You happily tucked your head in the crook of his neck, hugging him close to you. Falling for his sweet words and him. Convinced that nothing would come between you both.

***

He got down on one knee not long after to pop the big question with an even bigger diamond to really show you how committed he was.

You were on cloud nine. You felt nothing could ever bring you down that you only had happier times to look forward to.

Until one fateful day, you didn’t realise it then but it was probably when everything started going to hell, Sharon Carter got back from her year long mission in Europe.

You were only an accountant working for the Avengers. Being so close to Steve did give you some influence, which you were ashamed of liking a bit too much, but no one was ever really scared of you. You heard chatter about her and your Steve. And how now he would surely ditch his ‘normal and plain fiancé'. They never tried that hard to hide it from you. They probably thought you weren’t here for the long haul.

“Hey Angie” You nervously called for your desk mate. “Why is everyone so obsessed with Steve and Agent Carter?”

“Oh you mean Staron?” She grinned before frowning, “Oh I’m sorry! That’s just what people call them. Not me though! You know how hard I ship you two.” She squeezed your shoulder in order to console you.

“Yeah but why? I mean did they use to date or something...” You trailed off knowing that it was something you should be asking your fiancé not your co-worker.

You had tried a couple of times but you were too afraid to come off as jealous or controlling. That was the last thing you wanted to be. You expected him to give you enough space to be your own person, so it’d only be fair for you to do the same.

“I don’t really know.” She stroked her chin as if in thought “You’ll just have to ask Captain Rogers. Nothing was ever confirmed they were just rumors. Even I’ll admit they would make gorgeous blonde babies. But girl! You don’t have anything to worry about! You’re the one who has the ring.” She tried her best to assure you but the seeds of doubt and fear had taken roots in your mind.

Steve assured you that there was never anything between them. They flirted with the idea of dating for a while before she went away, he doubted there’d ever be anything between them. He couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. Not when he’s so madly in love with you.

He was so convincing and charming.

The things that set him apart from everyone else, which you loved about him, were his honesty and loyalty. He blamed his Ma and 1920s raising but you didn’t care. He was perfect in your eyes. He didn’t need to fit in. Those things made him Steve Rogers. Your Steve.

***

You had never been more ashamed than when you went through Steve’s things to get some sort of clue. You went through his sketches to find if he was secretly harboring any kind of feelings about her. You only found sketches mostly consisting of you and the Avengers, some of Bucky and his mom.

You sighed in relief, but then, at the bottom of his drawer you found a sketch of Sharon drawn with charcoal pencil. You couldn’t help but cry tears of frustration and pain, tearing the sketch up and flushing it so he wouldn’t find out. You knew you made a grave mistake, even as you started snooping you knew nothing good would come out of it, yet you couldn’t help yourself. In the end you only upset yourself.

Steve got back from work shortly after with your favorite take out, he kissed you hello. He knew something was up but you simply lied and chalked it up to pms or something.

He was ever so understanding. Giving you a nice massage and drawing you a bath. You decided then, that you wouldn’t look for anything anymore. If Steve was being unfaithful you didn’t want to know. You’d rather live in this beautiful peaceful bubble of ignorance.

***

The next few months were tough. All your wedding planning had taken a backseat as Steve had started to look for his friend Bucky, who also happened to be the winter soldier, with Sam and Sharon.

You didn’t really have an answer when your mother pestered you about going wedding shopping. You didn’t know how to tell her that you doubted if there would be a wedding at all. It would break her heart. Especially after she had come to love Steve as much as you did.

You never complained. How could you? The whole world needed him much more than you ever could. And he didn’t seem to need you anymore.

He never had to have time for you anymore. Late nights at the offices, long missions with Sharon.

One rare night he was home for dinner, you were too busy sulking in your self pity to actually enjoy his company after he’d deprived you of it for so long.

You chose to give him the silent treatment, not speaking more than two words to him. He noticed. Of course he did, Captain America, always so perceptive and smart.

He tried to pry answers out of you for a while before his phone started ringing and he excused himself to go pick it up.

“Why do you always go into the other room to take your calls?” You asked when he got back placing his phone down on the table. Playing with your food not having the strength to look him in the eye and confront him.

He visibly stiffened at the underlying accusation in your question. He had grown annoyed of having the same discussion with you again and again. But he decided to bite his tongue. It was his job to make you feel secure in your relationship.

“It’s confidential information, doll. You know that.” He sighed.

You hummed “But you can tell me who you were speaking to right?” You finally looked up and you wished you hadn’t. He clearly wasn’t happy, his eyebrows furrowed in a frown and his jaw clenched, how you hated confrontation. Not that you ever thought you’d be confronting your Steve.

“It was Sharon.” He spit.

“Of course.” You scoffed going back to staring at your food as he rolled his eyes.

“What do you want me to say? I know you aren’t exactly fond of her but I’m not going to lie just to make you happy. Because that’s not who I am! I don’t lie.” He ranted holding up his phone “Why don’t you go through it? Maybe that will make you happy.”

You shook your head rejecting his offer. Even though you were tempted to, you knew Steve was smart. He was Captain America for gods sake. He’d know how to cover his tracks. If he didn’t want you to find something, you probably wouldn’t.

So you finished your dinner, angrily stuffing the food in your mouth while sneering at him and then left him to do the dishes.

You put yours and Steve's laundry in the washer. Even though you were salty with him you still did your half of the chores. Checking his pockets for any receipts or bills. But then you saw what looked like a shinning golden thread. You pulled at it to find that it was a long blonde hair. Which was clearly not yours.

You thought of going to Steve with it. But if you had to hear another one of his lame excuses you’d probably drown yourself.

So, for the first time, you simply went to bed angry with him. When he tried to talk to you, you retorted with a snarky or hurtful comment or didn’t speak at all. You knew just how crazy that would drive him.

***

You groaned for the fifteenth time in the past hour, your leg impatiently shaking under the table. He was an hour late. He was someone who took pride in always being punctual and sharp, clearly you weren’t important enough for him to consider your feelings. You decided to pick up your phone and call him.

“Where are you?!” You hissed as soon as he picked up. Too angry to even bother to say hello.

“I’m at work. I’m so sorry, doll, I won’t be able to make it. Something important came up.” He apologized. His voice laced with guilt. Which would’ve been enough to convince you maybe a month or so ago, but at this point he had missed far too many dinners and dates.

“Right. Of course. More important than me obviously.” You rolled your eyes.

“You know that’s not true – "

“You didn’t even bother calling me” You screamed into your phone.

“I did call.” He sighed “You didn’t pick up and I’m kinda busy right now.”

“Yeah I didn’t pick up! I was cooking a meal for our anniversary! You know what? I don’t care because you clearly don’t either.” You said hanging up without giving him a chance to speak.

You had packed some of the leftovers up for Steve but you decided to dump them all in the bin. He didn’t deserve your cooking.

You haphazardly threw the tupperware in the sink. Torn between punching a wall and hugging a pillow to cry out all your frustrations. You chose to rigorously scrub and wash the dishes.

Having spent some of your excess energy you sat in front of your dresser, putting some petroleum jelly on your palms to sooth the burn.

You sighed at the sight of your sparkly diamond. You couldn’t bear to look at it anymore. It reminded you of a happier and simpler time. The last thing you wanted was a complicated or dramatic relationship.

As you slid the ring off your finger placing it in your jewellery box, you couldn’t help but ponder on whether it was just as much of your fault as well.

You started packing your clothes into a small bag. Maybe you could spend a few nights at your mothers house until you can clear your head.

***

Steve hastily opened your apartment door with his keys. “Honey, I’m home.” He called out for you.

He rubbed his face, a nervous pit forming in his stomach. He knew he had been prioritising his work over you for weeks now, he didn’t know the extent of it until you told him off on the phone and then didn’t pick up any of his calls. He asked Sam to cover for him for the night as he made his way back home.

His enhanced hearing picked up on movements in the bedroom, he followed the sounds of your rustling, tossing his jacket on the couch.

His worst fears came true as he looked at you carelessly stuffing your clothes in a cabin bag. You spared him a glance before zipping the bag up.

He took a deep breath, he had to say the right words before he fucks up the situation more than he already has. “Sweetheart –“

“Steve, I’m leaving. I think we should take a break,” Your voice cracking a bit but you tried to be resilient and strong, you sighed as you saw the heartbroken look on his face as his jaw dropped “it’s hard for me too but it’s just not working anymore.”

“Is it hard for you?” He spit. “Everyone has problems, I just need one more chance.”

“I won’t let you break my heart again.” You swallowed as you felt tears stream down your cheeks, you wiped them with the back of your hand. “I’ll always love you but I’m tired of being disappointed and suspicious and jealous. It’s not who I am, it’s not who I want to be.”

“Wh – what do you mean suspicious?” He asked as his brows furrowed.

“I think you know what I mean. I know I’m not like a model or a kickass spy or unique. But I still want to be special to someone. I’m so...simple. I thought that was enough for you and us.”

“What are you even talking about?” He lost his composure and calm as his eyes watered, blurring his vision, he held onto your forearms, needing your touch the most right now, as if you won't leave if he held on tight enough. “I’m not special either.”

To which you scoffed. “That’s debatable.”

“It’s true. Captain America is special. He’s the superhero. I’m just Steve.”

“I know that’s what you think,” You said shaking his hands off of you and staring at the floor, not bearing to look at him “But it’s not the reality. Captain America is a part of you. And I think... maybe Captain America deserves someone extraordinary like Agent 13.” You let out a humorless chuckle.

“What the hell are you talking about?” He asked in his stern Captain voice, clenching his fists having had about enough of this.

You stiffened as a shiver ran down your spine at his tone. He had never spoken to you like that. He reserved that tone for his teammates and subordinates, and more often than not Tony. But not you. You were his precious baby.

You felt as if you were compelled to look up at him, he wasn’t crying anymore but his jaw had hardened, his face and neck flushed red. “Sharon. I mean,” You took a deep breath “I know there’s nothing between you two... probably.” you whispered as he raised a brow at you.

“But your work and duty will always come first and I know it is a good thing. But it’s not what I want. I thought I could handle it, the whole world needing you more than me and coming before me,” You spoke so lowly but you knew he could hear you, “but I can’t. I don’t think I ever will. A break will put things into perspective for both of us.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” He growled as you rolled your eyes. “How could you think those things? I need you more than anything else.” His anger was fuelled as you scoffed again, as if he was lying. “Don’t you dare hink that there’s anything past or present that I’d put before you. You’re the only thing that matters. I promise.”

“You may believe that, but your words only carry so much weight when they’re not followed up by actions. I know you’re not the cheating type,” You rambled pulling on your hair and sighing, it was all so overwhelming “I don’t know what to believe. When I go days without speaking to you – what else am I supposed to believe?”

He hesitantly snaked an arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him, relieved that you didn’t stop him or push him away again, “Just give me one chance to prove myself. I know I’ll never be worthy of you but I don’t want us to give up so easily. Not without putting up a fight.” He gritted pulling your chin up as your hands played with the buttons on his shirt. “And you know how good I am at putting up a fight. I’ll always fight for you,” He smiled pulling your chin up to look at your pretty face.

“Okay,” You sniffled. “You’re always so good with words.” You smiled shaking your head.

He hummed at that. “I got you to go out with me, didn’t I?”

“What are you doing here anyway? Didn’t you have work?” you wanted to know.

He shushed you, pulling you into his chest and pressing his face in the crook of your neck. He craved your warmth and comfort especially after almost losing you. “I’ll never take you for granted again.” He nuzzled your neck before kissing it. “We can go venue hunting tomorrow. For the wedding.”

You smiled in his hold “Well I don’t know about that. Maybe the wedding planning can wait for a while.”

He hummed as he rested his chin on top of your head. He had his work cut out for him if he intended to keep you. He made a mental note of calling Tony first thing in the morning. “I hate it when we fight.” He said rocking you in his arms “But I like the making up part.”

You playfully smacked his chest. You just knew he was cheekily grinning. “I agree.” You giggled.

You hadn’t fought a whole lot throughout your relationship, but the make up sex was always amazing.

You gulped nervously as he captured your lips in a bruising and breath taking kiss. Letting you know just how much he loved you. You hummed as his hands caressed the soft skin of your ass, squeezing it lightly before he pulled you up.

You yelped as you wrapped your legs around his narrow waist. You trailed kisses down his jaw as he carried you to your bed. Giving him a nip or two here and there, smiling against his throat as you felt the vibrations of his moans.

He gently dropped you on your comfortable mattress, you giggled as you bounced.

Steve hovered above you, he was so large, he was the only thing you could look at. Your shaky hands worked on unbuttoning his shirt as he pulled your night shirt up, groaning at the sight of your soft nipples, hardening so easily at his touch. He pulled one in his mouth as he thoroughly sucked on it.

“Oh, Steve.” You moaned as his hand came up to pay some attention to your other breast, fondling it in his hand before tugging your stiff peak with his fingers. You gasped as he bit you. “Oh I’ll definitely feel that tomorrow,” You sighed pulling your shirt over your head as he made his way down your body, settling between your legs.

He looked at you as you bit your lip, your breasts laid flat as you chest heaved with anticipation. He let out a guttural sound as he saw and smelled just how aroused and wet you were for him. He licked a firm stripe up your warm folds before capturing your bundle of nerves in his mouth, harshly sucking on it as he worked you up with his fingers to get you ready for him.

The moans and mewls from your mouth and the squelching of his fingers were something akin to a symphony to his ears. He cooed as you thrashed wildly when he pulled away. “Steve!” You whined.

“Just a minute baby. You remember what we talked about? Patience.” He said as he quickly got rid of his clothes. His throbbing erection ached to be inside you. But he couldn’t help but tease his sweet girl a bit as he stroked himself above you, much to your displeasure.

He chuckled as you kicked your legs. “Patience,” He reminded you again as he bent to suck a bruise on your breast. He pulled away with a pop, pleased with the way your skin bruised under his assault, “So you’ll always remember how much I love you.” He murmured in your neck as he slowly entered your channel.

He stayed inside you just like that for a few minutes, it was comfortable like a warm hug, it felt like home because you were his home. No matter how many times he made love to you, he could never get used to how wet and tight you felt.

He sucked a few more love bites on your neck he knew you’d give him hell for later but in the moment he couldn’t bring himself to care.

He rocked his hips, slowly and tortuously pulling out of you before pushing back in till he bottomed out, searching for your special spot, he knew he found it when you threw your head back and started blabbering nonsense.

Your hips matched his pace, trying their best to keep up with his super strength and agility. He propped himself up on his elbows, he needed to see you, see your face twist in pleasure as he did such sinful things to you. Except they rarely ever felt sinful to him. It felt as if he was expressing his love for you by pleasing you and worshipping you.

“How could you ever think I don’t care about you?” He asked not really expecting an answer, what with you being so preoccupied and your mind too far gone to listen to him, as he drove his hips up harshly.

You shook your head muttering apologises and chanting his name as he felt you clench around him. Your nails dug into his shoulders, holding onto him as your orgasm hit you in waves of pleasure.

“I need you to say it.” He demanded. His thrusts lost any sense of rhythm simply pounding into you with abandon as he chased his release. “Say that you know that I love you.” He rasped as his hips stuttered. “Say. It.” He punctuated with a few more thrusts before he emptied inside you, panting into the crook of your neck.

“I know you love me Steve.” You mumbled as you ran your fingers through his hair. “I love you more.”

You felt him shake his head as he pecked your lips. “That’s not possible.”

“Yes it is!” You huffed incredulously.

“Agree to disagree.” He stated not really in the mood to fight with you anymore as you smacked his bicep, scoffing at him before muttering a ‘whatever’ under your breath. He pulled you on top of him still connected to your heat as he felt his spend spill out of you. “Can we stay like this for a bit?” He asked somewhat shyly.

You hummed, “Yes of course.” You sleepily mumbled against his soft and warm chest.

He listened to your breathing and steady heartbeat as you slipped into a dreamless slumber.

He couldn’t sleep. He only ever slept a couple of hours every night and now after everything that perspired, he was scared he’d fall asleep and you’d be gone when he wakes up.

There was no way in hell he’d ever let you. He’d give up the shield if he had to. He was as stupidly stubborn as you if not more. He was sure he’d fix everything as he kissed the top of your head and covered the pair of you with the comforter. So you’d feel as warm and comfortable as him.

Tags will be in the reblog! Click the link in the bio to be join the taglist or shoot me an ask/dm.

Comments and feedback are appreciated! ❤❤

Idk how Sharon comes off in this but no Sharon hate please! I don't have an opinion on her but I believe in girls supporting girls. Thank you😘😘

[mynotsohealthyobsession]

Unexpected bond

Book: Bloodbound (between book 2 and 3)

Pairing: Adrian Raines x Lily Spencer (friendship) / Mention of Adrian Raines x MC

Words: 1.960

Rating: Mature

Warning: Angst / Mention of violence, death and harassment

**Tags in the reblog**

His jacket was on the floor, where he had thrown it a couple hours ago. The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up as his forearms rested on his knees. He had his eyes shut and his back against the wall. His breathing was erratic and faltering, incapable of calming down. The powerful aura that he used to have, had completely disappeared, leaving him broken and defeated, looking as terrible as he felt inside. Whoever knew him beforehand and saw him at this moment, would doubt that that was actually the same Adrian Raines.

His hands had remnants of dried blood, the same that had coloured his white shirt, red. His body was still healing some wounds, cuts and a few broken bones, and bruises as result of their confrontation with Gaius. Every time he breathed, he felt a stinging pain in his chest but he couldn't care less. He had decided to not move from there no matter how long it took. Maybe she woke up before the expected, scared or disorientated. Maybe her bloodkeeper condition made it different for her and she needed some kind of help. Or maybe… Simply, he just couldn't leave her side. Whatever the reason was, he had decided to stay there, in Raines Corp.’s basement, near the sarcophagus in which, and he desperately hoped it was the case, Amy's body was changing, slowly transforming into a vampire.

As a couple of tears slipped on his cheeks, passing through the bloody print that her hand left on his skin as he held her, he couldn't avoid thinking how afraid he was of losing her, to face the world without her. Amy had saved them, after he had promised her he would protect her, she sacrificed herself for them. For him.

He squeezed his eyes tightly, letting his head fall back, against the wall. No matter how hard he tried, the images kept replaying over and over in his mind, in a horrible and constant loop. Amy taking the branch, getting close to Gaius. Her pained gasp as the sword went through her chest and emerged from her back. How his throat hurt from yelling her name, incapable of doing anything else but watch. The fire in her eyes, using the last of her strength to stab Gaius as her blood slipped down in the hilt of the sword onto Gaius' hand. Her little smile before she noticed that her knees gave up and hit the floor first as the rest of her body fell down. How quickly her skin became pale and cold as he held her, knowing that there was only one thing that could save her. How, mortally injured, she cupped his face, almost happy that they had 'won', even if right now it felt like he was about to lose everything that was important to him.

"Adrian?" His eyes flushed open, seeing Lily down the stairs. Her eyes puffy and bloodshot, all her usual energy and almost childlike happy mood, had disappeared. For the first time since he had met her, she seemed like an elderly woman who had lost against life itself. She sat beside him and offered him a pack of blood and what seemed to be a clean shirt.

"Thank you Lily, but I don't need it."

"You do." She gave him a broken look. "You think she would be okay seeing you still hurt?" She placed both things between them. "You are important to her, Adrian. She did what she did to save us. To save you."

"She shouldn't have done it! Now she's--" His voice abruptly cut, incapable to even put into words his fears and torments.

"I know." Lilly replied, distractedly fiddling with one of her rings. "But she's brave and her heart is bigger than anyone I've ever met." A pained smile lifted her lips a little. "Amy would never watch us die if she could avoid it. You know that." She fixed her stare on him, her voice a bit shattered. "Exactly like you or any of us would have done for her if the rolls were reversed."

"But I couldn't." His mind returned to the night before, when they had sleep holding each other. It felt so far away. "I promised her I would protect her no matter what and I couldn't. I failed her." It was the first time they shared this kind of conversation and time alone. It was obvious that Lily had a stronger relationship with Jax, like Adrian had with Kamilah. But, even if they were worried and sad too, right now, the pain Lily and Adrian were feeling, was different from theirs and had brought them together. "I should never have allowed her to get involved in this." To his surprise, she giggled.

"If you think you could have told her what to do, I'm sorry but you don't know her as well as you think." Adrian chuckled a bit alongside her. Lily was absolutely right about that.

"Did she ever tell you about the first time she saw me transformed, on her first day of work?" He wasn't sure why he asked her that. Probably because it was the moment that he realized that she would be special for him, even if he didn't know how much.

"Only a few parts."

"In almost 300 years a lot of people had learned the way she did about all this. And most… If not all of them, begged to forget, to return to their old lives." Despite himself, he smiled at the memory. "Amy… She just stood there. For a little while, she got scared, of course, but… She didn't run or scream. She started to ask me questions, curious, looking at me the exact same way she did all that day. Before her eyes, I was still… Me. She even joked about Nicole being dramatic during the feeding." He let out a sorrowful and shaking sigh. "I took her to Priya's fashion show and she told the security that she was my partner instead of my assistant." They both softly laughed.

"I think she had a crush with you almost instantly." Lily crossed her legs under her. "That night, before returning to the office, we chatted a bit. When I asked her about how you were, her answer was, and I'm quoting here 'super hot'." She said smiling at the same time that her palm dried her cheeks. "She was so happy to be able to stay in New York."

"It was an absolutely mutual feeling." Adrian passed his fingers through his hair, feeling an ache in his heart as his memory returned to the first time he saw her, that she had given him one of her beautiful smiles. "That night, she cut her hand with a glass. All the vampires around were drawn towards the fresh blood, to her."

"I know the feeling." She sadly murmured. "She mentioned that part actually, that you helped her and stood in front of her."

"I will never forget how she hugged me from behind. How when she was scared, she trusted me." His eyes started to burn with fresh tears. "She not only didn't allow the debriefing, but also convinced me to show her around the library." The tears ran free on his face and he didn't try to stop them. "She's brave and stubborn in the most wonderful way."

"I think you are not aware how important you are to her." They stood in silence, lost in their thoughts and memories until Lily talked again. "Amy had always tried to watch over you."

"I know she did." His voice was a low raspy whisper.

"Actually, I suspect you don't know how much." After a pause she sighed, as she had made a decision. "Amy is going to kill me for this…" She muttered. "There's something that she never told you." Adrian noticed the subtle change in her voice. "But I'm convinced you deserve to know." She took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment. "After the trial where Vega framed you and they declared you guilty, everybody started to discuss how to divide your stuff and..." She stood in silence, her eyes filled with doubts.

"What happened, Lily?" He shifted his gaze to look at her, taking his attention from the coffin for the first time.

"Priya grabbed her from the throat and 'claimed' her for herself." Lily shivered a bit beside him as his blood seemed to boil and freeze at the same time. "She said that she wanted to break her. And after forcing her to watch you die, maybe kill her."

"Was she hurt?" Adrian frowned, clearly disturbed as a new wave of anguish went through his factions. He was conscious of all the times she had been in danger because of him but discovering that there were occasions that she hadn't told him to protect him, it felt like a powerful hand grabbed his heart and squeezed it slowly and extremely painfully.

"Kamilah stopped her almost immediately but she had a bruise around the neck for a couple weeks. She covered it with makeup."

"Amy never told me about that." He lowered his face, both of his hands holding it, seeming overwhelmed as his fingers ran through his hair.

"I know. She didn't want you to know. She was sure you would feel guilty even when it wasn't your fault." Lily stared at his eyes, he never had seen her gaze so intense. "What do you think was the first thing she said, when we left the temple after that?" Adrian stared at her back, unsure if he wanted to know. "She asked Kamilah how we could help you, to save you." Lily sadly smiled at him. "Even back then she didn't wanted to lose you. That's why she did what she did tonight."

He remembered the deep sadness and concern he saw in her when their eyes locked to each other as he was dragged away. The softness of her hand and words when she had found him in The Baron's dungeon. The happiness he felt when he saw her in front of him. "I didn't want to lose her either." He forced himself to say the words that couldn't stop repeating internally. "I don't want to lose her. I can't. I need her, she just can't di--" The lump in his throat cutted his voice, incapable of ending the last word.

"I don't know if she had heard you but… If it's worth something, I know she loves you too, Adrian." Lily murmured, her voice gruff. "You are the most important person to her." Her hands dried her cheeks. "Well, the second more important at least. Best friends and roommates rights, you know."

"I'll take it." Adrian smiled before his face fell again. "And it's worth more than you can imagine." His eyes fixed again on the sarcophagus. "I just hope to have the chance to tell it to her like she deserves. And maybe hear her say it back."

Lily took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes, standing up. "Are you sure you want to stay here?"

"Yes." She nodded and headed to the stairs. "Lily." He called her and she stopped to watch him. "Thank you. For the blood and everything afterwards."

"You are welcome, Adrian." She leaned against the wall for a minute. "I just know how sad she would be seeing you like this." She stared at the sarcophagus one last time, thinking the same thing that has been in Adrian's mind the last two hours and couldn't dare to face it: how silent the coffin was, without even a faint heartbeat or shallow breathing coming from it. Almost like it was empty.

✨

[thefallenbibliophilequote]

Bad Blood

Loki x Reader

1989, chapter 8

"She made friends and enemies"

Summary: It's hard to find the one, but even if you do find him it's always going to be a daily struggle to make it work. Can you even make it work after he broke your heart? The answer to that is complicated, but it all started when you found each other again in the stark Tower- and that's where our story begins.

Word count: 4,601

Warnings: language, sexism if you squint, angst, torture(Bucky style with needles and blood and knives etc), and a little fluff- not in that order.

A/N: I'm sure you guys will hate me after this. Sorry in advance? I'm saying this again- remember the timeline from the last chapter and this one...

A/N 2: thank you for @peterbenjiparker for helping me outline this chapter! And thanks to @chrissquares for the dividers! And of course to @nacho-bucky for reading this over!

No one is allowed to repost my writing or steal or copy my work! Reblog on tumblr is fine.

Series masterlist

Song on Spotify and YouTube

The pain in your head almost pulled you under and out of consciousness with the way your body felt heavy and all the- were they hands? That seemed to touch you. You shivered when you felt a spark of electricity travel through your body and your eyes shot open.

There was a blinding light directly from above you and both of your sides but after a couple of moments you managed to see through that. You saw the agents, the building, the chair you were seated in with equipment you did not know but you did not want to find out what they do. When they noticed you were awake, two men walked to you.

Mike was standing on the side, grinning, while the doctor from the warehouse seemed to look you over.

"And she is awake." His voice wasn't charming anymore, now it just sent red alarms in your brain. "She looks so cute asleep."

In a glare you looked at him and he fell to his knees in the agony that overtook him, his eyes were hazy and you wanted to make sure it hurt.

"Put her under!" the doctor yelled and a searing electrical pain ran through your body and instead of his yelling in the room, it was now filled with yours. You didn't hear anything anymore and then all you knew was black. Your body jolted in its place despite the restraints before it went limp.

"When are you guys going to solve the problem?" Doctor Zazu laughed at the remark.

"What problem?"

"Her powers, they are intense and harmful! When she wakes up again, this will keep happening!" the doctor looked at the young agent who was struggling to get up and shook his head, he was still young.

"That's not the problem- that is the solution!"

"How the hell is that a solution? We can't use her until we make her under our control." Mike looked over at you. "Besides, it took years to make the Soldat."

"We are making advances on detecting her powers, and with the new technology and knowledge that we have now, we will be able to overpower her. I doubt she will make such a fight, especially with what you've told me."

"She was quite fun, certainly worth working there for as much as I did."

"I'm glad you enjoyed her, now it's my turn to toy with that brain of hers." He stood at the railing and watched as agents prepared the room that will soon be yours, and the staff that stood proudly just outside of it.

•

Three months ago in Asgard…

"This is such a blessed day to unite the lovely couple!" Lady Iyllir's mother raised her glass during breakfast. It'd been mere hours since Loki knocked on her door and here he was sitting at the long table with his father and Iyllir with her family.

Glasses clunk against each other but they only made Loki wince when he came back to the reality of the situation.

"Indeed it is, I am glad we will be uniting the families soon enough," his father then looked at him. "And I am happy it worked out as it should've."

Loki couldn't speak against Odin. Your voice was haunting him and you were right- he could get away from this if he wanted to, but he can't. He needed this too much even if he didn't want it.

"We are so excited! Right, Loki?" the girl looked at him with bright eyes her ginger hair was just as bright. He nodded and spread a smile.

"Of course, my dear, I look forward to it." She gave him her hand and he was a proper prince after all, so he raised her hand to his lips and gave her knuckles a gentle kiss.

"When shall we do the wedding?" Iyllir's parents talked to Odin more than Loki and the girl who sat behind him.

"We could have it soon, I'm sure we are just as eager to have this wedding just as the two lovers are to getting married." The father talked to Odin.

"Actually, father-" Iyllir quipped up and he felt her hand tighten around his. "I thought we could have it a couple of months from now, the flowers will be the brightest then."

"Dear, don't be silly the flowers are still pretty now." Her mother shook her head at her.

Before she could go further, Loki spoke instead of the girl.

"Shouldn't the bride decide how her own wedding will be designed?" the mother in front of him smiled nervously.

"Of course, Prince Loki, you are right."

With this the conversation went into planning the wedding which left Loki only half listening.

"I want it to be golden, we can even have our clothes be of such too!" he heard her before zoning out of the conversation. Breakfast ended soon after, with a promise from Odin to send maidens that'll be at the Lady's disposal for any wedding idea she wants.

Loki was walking beside her in silence as he escorted her to her chambers.

"What made you change your mind?"

"Pardon me?"

"You didn't want me or this wedding before, so what changed your mind?" he was at a loss of words, not knowing how to answer that- he couldn't bring you up, but Iyllir was indeed clever so she must know already.

"I came to a few realizations lately, but I assure you that I want this marriage." She nodded to him with a smile and he decided to sway the conversation away from you, the redhead beat him to it.

"Thank you for standing up for me earlier." She took his hand in hers as they neared her room.

"Of course, I understand parents can be tough." She let out a huff at that. "I admire that you spoke up."

"My parents sure can be hard to deal with. They like to decide everything for me but one good thing they did was lead me to you." She giggled up at him and he couldn't help but think that she deserved someone who will actually love her, and he hoped for both of their sake that he will learn to do that with time, and time can heal almost everything right?

"Yes, now I will let you go rest."

"I hope I'll see you later."

•

The sting of the needle only grew when you resisted it, your body was shaking still trying to relax from the shock you were put through yet again.

Your eyes were hazy but you were more stubborn than to submit to pain.

"They will come for me, you know." You heard your own voice stumble out the words.

"You think the Avengers will come save you?" Doctor Zazu chuckled and your vision came back to reality. "How long will it take them though? By the time they manage to find you, you will have already become my new soldier."

You focused your stare at him, but before you could do anything he pushed a button that sent searing pain into your mind.

"Blue." You heard him say and it wasn't hard for you to guess what he meant.

•

"Tony, have you seen Y/N?" Tony raised his mask and looked over at Steve.

"I haven't seen her in a few days but it's alright we don't have missions now." He was about to return to fixing his suit. "Plus, she is probably shaking up with that new boyfriend of hers."

"Tony…" Steve groaned at it.

"She's an adult Steve, get used to it. She can fondue whoever she likes." He snickered at the supersoldier who only looked at him in a not amused look.

"It's been a couple of days Tony, I'm getting worried. She would tell me if she was going away- she never went away like this before."

Tony sighed at Steve's stressed face.

"Hey F.R.I.D.A.Y, do you know where Y/N is?" he called to the AI.

"I'm afraid I don't know, the last she has been in the building was a few days ago, she was in the garage and she took one of your cars alongside some of your wine bottles, sir."

"She did what now? I told her several times to not touch my cars." Tony got up from where he was sitting. "Okay, can you call her?"

A moment has passed before they got a reply.

"She is not answering, and it seems like she took out the tracker from her phone since I can't track her."

"You see Tony I have every reason to be worried!" Steve grew angry at the new information, he paced the lab. "F.R.I.D.A.Y where is Mike? The guy that Y/N was with"

"He has not showed up to work in a few days, on the same day Y/N drove away."

Silence took over the room. Tony looked at his friend's crestfallen face.

"I might know where she went to."

"What, where?"

"She has an apartment up in Brooklyn, I saved it for her."

"Why didn't I know about it?" Steve walked up to the billionaire who held his hands up in defense.

"She didn't want to tell anyone, she wanted it to be only hers. I only know it because she needed to buy it, so I bought the entire building."

"We are going now. Get Nat in one of your cars and I will go on my motorcycle." It was a command more than a request.

It didn't take them long to get to the building, Steve did not care about any traffic lights and Tony couldn't blame him. Natasha insisted that she drives faster than Tony and to her credit they arrived at the place at the same time Steve did.

It was eerily quiet and Tony used the scan on the door to open it. They reached inside and Natasha already had the clutch of her gun open,

"Y/N!" Cap called at the small apartment but no answer came. Tony spotted the two glasses in the living room, one full on the table and the other half empty on the floor next to the big red stain it left on the carpet.

"Cap," Tony put his hand on his shoulder and Steve turned and saw Natasha raising the fallen glass to her face and smelling the content of it.

"This is not good, boys."

•

"Blue." The words were distant.

"Five." You were fighting to stay awake.

"Airplane." No. You screamed, trying to get out of your head.

"No, I will not turn into one of your soldiers! I won't!" your eyes flashed to a group of guards and with your anger it took no time for them to fall screaming on the ground, they could barely move when you felt the pain in your head again and you were shot back inside your mind.

"Blue."

You didn't know how much time you've been in this chair, reality and fiction blurred as you eased in and out of your mind.

"I won't turn into your soldier." You repeated again and again every time the doctor played with you and let you be awake. You knew at this point it'll take a lot from you to use your abilities.

"Even if your little Avenger friends get here, you won't be theirs either."

"What?" you hated showing weakness but your inhibitions were low.

"Either you will become my soldier, or you won't be here at all." He laughed right at you and then looked at the scientists beside you. "Put her under again, restart her."

"No, please no." They pushed you back against the chair; put the mouth guard between your teeth, and you felt yourself sink into the numbness of the pain.

You were shivering next time you woke up, you still heard those familiar words.

The machine they put you in was now rusted, at the moment you had clear mind you picked up the discarded needle on the side of where you lay. You were weak but you won't go down without a fight.

You lay there silently until the next agent came next you. Attacking them, you took the needle and stabbed them right in the throat, red blood started pouring but before you could pull out the agent's gun another agent came and their knife made a really deep cut. You looked up at chocolate brown eyes that now only held darkness when you fell to the floor and other agents lifted you up and restrained you.

"Look what you've done! What happened baby? You never put up such a fight from what I remember." Mike mocked you, you really thought he could be trusted. You were certainly wrong when he pressed on your fresh bloody wound. "At least, not in bed."

"Don't worry, she can fight all she wants, the wounds that we will leave on her pretty little brain will last and they'll last no matter what you'll try to do." You recognized the voice of their commander.

"So, did your parents name you after the parrot from Aladdin or the traitor from Othello?" you snickered at him "Then again I don't think you're smart enough to read such a high level literature, all due respect Commander Iago. And don't even get me started on the good doctor over there."

"Oh don't think you have the upper hand here, see we know something you don't. Did you ever bother checking where your powers came from? I'm sure the great Tony Stark tried, but while he failed we didn't. So we are already smarter than your avenger friends!"

You were taken aback by that, whatever created those powers within you always remained as a mystery in your head. But if they knew that, then they know a way inside of your brain and powers that you don't want to imagine.

"Well then, if you are so sure that I will never get out of here- why not share the knowledge with me?"

"We never said that you'll never get out of here, trust me," he stroked your jaw and his hand went down to your throat. Disgust blossomed in your stomach. "We have quite a plan for you if you'll get rescued, I'm sure your friends will appreciate the surprise."

Your heart hammered in your chest, mind racing with possibilities.

"Give her a dose then send her to her new special room." He stepped away and then a needle was inserted in you again, pumping blue strange liquid into you, your mind was hazy with its heaviness, and you barely remembered being put inside a sealed room. You saw a blue glow from outside of the transparent room, barely seeing the long stick and cords that ran from it. Then a blinding light flashed in the room and you felt yourself sinking, sinking inside your own mind.

The light was bright as it shone from your window. Curiousity got the better of you and you almost got blinded by the light outside until it stopped and you could see clearly again. There in through the light Loki stood in some quiet unusual clothing but that all changed with a glowing green glimmer of light and he was in regular clothes looking like the Loki you knew.

You stood there by the window with wide eyes but you couldn't seem to move as you were frozen in place trying to understand the lucid dream that occurred right before your eyes in your empty street.

A knock on the door caused you to shriek and you stumbled down to the ground, looking at the door.

"Y/N dear, are you okay? I can hear you inside." Loki's voice called out to you when you have yet to open the door.

Gathering up the courage you walked to the door and slowly opened it, willing yourself to look normal.

"Hello Loki, hello." You mentally cringed at your awkwardness.

"Are you okay? I heard something falling." He walked into your apartment casually while you were trying to gather up your thoughts.

"Yes, I'm- I'm okay. How are you?" you closed the door and locked it, facing away from him.

"I'm alright, thank you for asking." Loki looked at your form still standing by the door. "Why are you acting strange?"

"I am always strange, you should know that," you turned to him and briefly met his eyes before you made a move to go to the kitchen. "Do you want water? I'll bring us some water."

Loki caught your wrist and turned you to him.

"Are you mad at me for something? Come on, out with it. You know I always find out what you're hiding." He laughed that beautiful laugh of his and looked at you again when you were quiet. "Come on, you can tell me anything, you know that."

He let go of your hand when you still didn't answer and looked at the ground. Deciding to let it go he walked towards your kitchen.

"I'll get you a cup of water then-"

"Why are you glowing?" you winced when your voice was too loud for your liking.

"What?" you turned to him.

"You can glow, like a lamp or something. You glow-" you didn't know how to explain what you saw. "I saw you glow outside!"

"Oh." You almost felt bad at your accusation when you saw his face fall. "Well I guess there's no point in hiding it anymore- I am not who or what you think I am. I'm sorry I lied to you, do you want me to leave?"

"No! I don't want you to leave Loki, of course I don't want you to leave." He looked at you strangely and you looked at him back, a silent chuckle leaving your lips at his absurd question. "No don't leave, can you just tell me what's going on? Please."

Loki studied you then as he saw all the nerves leave you, or at the very least the fear that he dreaded seeing in your eyes.

"Very well," you've never seen Loki this nervous before. "You might want to sit down for this."

You sat down on one side on the couch and pouted when Loki chose to sit on the far side of the couch, away from you.

The talk was long to say the least, and you couldn't tell who it was harder to.

"I can make you forget all about this if that'll make it easier for you." Loki told you after you took in the information he gave you. A god was sitting on your couch. Your best friend was a god. But he was still your best friend.

"No! I don't want that!" You shook your head at him. "Can you maybe show me?"

"Show you what?"

"Your magic, I want to see it."

"You want to see my magic?" Loki was taking aback by the request, he expected for you to be scared of him or hate him. He knew you were special to him, but he didn't think you will find interest in his magic over everything else.

"Yes!" The smile on his face sent shivers down your spine, you recognized that smile.

The next second Loki disappeared from his place on the couch and you stared at the place in shock. Cautiously you scooched forward until you were sitting right next to his former place on the sofa. You reached a hand forward, searching for him in the air but when your hand went through nothing you looked at it and tilted your head.

That's when you felt the breath in your ear. "I'm not there, love." His voice was right beside you and you turned too fast and fell off of the couch.

You saw Loki there sitting right behind where you were a second ago. Gaping at him, you huffed when he laughed at you.

"You can't just scare me like that!"

"You wanted to see my magic and I showed it to you. It's your fault that you couldn't handle it well." Getting up you took a pillow in your hand. "I am the god of mischief as I just told you. So come on what did you expect?"

"I don't care if you're the god of my ass, you are a little shit." You hit him with the pillow over and over again. "Don't you ever scare me like that again!"

"Okay okay I yield!" his laughter calmed down as yours started and he knew he was done for. Out of all of the scenarios he played in his head about this moment, he never would have expected this. "What are you laughing at?"

"I just punched a god with a pillow."

•

"Why haven't you killed her yet?"

"Well, it takes time to extract what we want from her. Don't you want to see her before it?" the commander stuttered a bit when he saw who stood in front of him, coming unannounced. The moment they heard the loud familiar noise from outside, they started to hide everything they were working on so that they won't be interrupted and killed.

The two of them walked towards where you still lay in the almost empty room. At the commander's order you were taken out of it and strapped to the chair again.

You slowly opened your eyes a small gasp leaving your throat at the cold shivers that you felt as you got back into reality. You couldn't tell how long it was.

You felt yourself being watched, warning alarms ran through your head and suddenly the shivers weren't from the cold. You forced your eyes to focus back and when you did you finally saw them clearly.

"So there she is, finally with us sweetheart?" Commander Iago's voice ringed in your ears.

"Is this the little girl that is causing so much trouble? She looks so delicate, so breakable."

The second was a voice you did not recognize, it was almost melodic.

"I'm afraid her powers are the danger here, nothing more. We are taking the powers away from her like we agreed."

The new information registered in your brain, you didn't call him out on his lie- not yet at least, not when you actually have an advantage.

"You told me," you could see his eyes widen. "That you know about my powers, so at least be decent and tell me about them before you drain them out of me."

"Go ahead, tell her." The Hydra commander swallowed loudly before he let out a laugh.

"Well, did it ever occur to you that maybe your encounter with a deity left some marks on you?"

"What are you saying?"

"Dear Loki must have put some ancient spell on you not knowing it would cause what it did."

Oh. Then you cast your eyes down and let it register in your brain. All the incidents, the weapons…

"And how would you know about Loki? Who are you?" you looked into those dark grey eyes.

"I guess you're not used to this kind of grace to recognize royalty. I'm Princess Iyllir, wife of your dear little Loki."

"Oh you're no princess." You won't let her see what you were feeling, the effects of her words.

"I will be soon, he was so eager to marry me. I must say I understand why you liked him," she leaned down to you a bit. "He certainly comes with perks with that silver tongue of his."

You knew he was never yours, but hearing her say that only put salt on your open wound.

"He is probably waiting in bed for me, so I should go. But I hope you'll have fun here, it's not like you will be staying with us for long." She then looked back at the agent. "Good job with her, I want you to finish this as soon as possible.

"Yes of course." You saw him pull the remote in his hand and your heart started to race when they put a mouth guard, tears gathered in your eyes as he pressed it and the pain began again.

•

"How did you not know that Mike is Hydra?" Steve yelled at Tony.

"We must have missed him somehow but we don't have time to blame me for that! The question we need to ask is how do we not know of other Hydra bases?" Bruce took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes.

"Wasn't he working in analysis?"

"F.R.I.D.A.Y, scan everything Mike worked on ever since he and Y/N got together."

"It's his fault."

"Yeah we know- he kidnapped her."

"It's Loki's fault. Everything went wrong after he got here." Steve kicked over a chair and paced the room.

"Steve let's not focus on the blame right now, we need to focus on finding Y/N." Bucky put a hand on his friend's shoulder until he looked up at him and he shot him a reassuring smile. "We all care about her, it's not just you."

"I know Buck, sorry."

"Why would Hydra target her?" Natasha thought out loud.

"It must connect to everything that is going on with their Asgardian technology." Clint sat down next to Tony.

"What about the Asgardian things they stole?" Thor walked into the room and everyone stared at him.

•

One month ago in Asgard…

"The view from here is beautiful, isn't it?" Grey eyes looked up at him. Iyllir and Loki sat on a bench in the balcony of his room, the skies were clear and the sun shone bright.

He spent the day with the girl. They read books together and she was good conversation, he knew that.

"It is." He looked over all that was below them, the gardens and workers and surrounding all of that were the palace walls.

"It's been lovely spending more time with you, I'm sure the wedding will go splendidly!" she gushed to him and sat ever so closer to him. "It's so soon too."

It really was soon, Loki knew that. You were still there though, all around in his mind. In a crowd he sometimes thinks he sees your face, but he didn't.

He knew he was just chasing shadows, trying to keep himself away from Iyllir but it was of no use, the wedding is soon and he needs to forget about you. He looked over to her.

"I look forward to our new start together." She smiled back at him.

He tried to think clearly, he had to get over you somehow.

The girl in front of him was as beautiful as any Asgardian princess would be- from her soft eyes to her plump lips, and to the rest of her figure. She was smart and perfectly polite like any lady should be.

In the last four months he got to know her better, he couldn't deny her kindness and if only he could forget you he knows he might be satisfied with her.

He had to forget you.

He gently grabbed her chin, moving it slightly upwards to him. He had been dragging this for months, denying it all but the wedding is already planned and he wanted this, he couldn't live in the shadows anymore.

Loki saw the look of surprise on the redhead's face but it soon turned lustful when she leaned up as he leaned down to her. He captured her lips in his and gave it his all; there was no turning back now. She tasted sweet; he brought her even closer to him, deepening the kiss, starting to feel her lust take over him as well.

•

Tags: @ayybtch @buckys-other-punk @chaoticpete @madcrazy50 @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @the-departed-potato @rogerrhqpsody @onceupona-happilyeverafter-love @percabethismyotp14

[cyanide-latte]

Sorta random, but which Alice Oseman books do you recommend?

Oh gosh, Anon, I wasn't expecting this question at all! I personally still feel kind of like an Oseman newbie since I've not read all of her books (yet) but I'll try to answer this as best as I can without just using the simple reply of "all of them" (though everyone should absolutely consider reading all of them.)

A couple of disclaimers here first! All of Oseman's books do at some point deal with heavy topics, so be aware going into any of them that you may encounter discussions of mental health, abuse, struggles in various types of relationships, body issues, racism and homophobic and/or transphobic behaviors. She does however, approach all of these with a deft hand of realism and hope equally. The happier disclaimer is that, from what I can tell, a good portion of her books are all choice picks to read during Pride Month, if you wanted that! (That's actually what my plan was, to try to get through as much of the Osemanverse as possible this month!)

If you prefer to start with the most interconnected characters and books, I would recommend Solitaire, Nick and Charlie, This Winter, and the Heartstopper graphic novel series. There are sibling characters whose stories interconnect and overlap throughout all, and if I don't miss my guess, Heartstopper and Solitaire are paraquels (taking place during the same span of time, though with different protagonists.) Do note though, that Nick and Charlie, while taking place two years into the future from where Heartstopper leaves off, is said to have been written prior to the graphic novels and the characterization of Nick and Charlie is different enough that it's left a lot of fans divided on the novel. (And it's why I'm a little hesitant to start it myself when I'm not finished with all the volumes of Heartstopper.)

But if you're anything like me, Anon, and you find you have difficulty in starting sequential contemporary novels (and yes I do consider those above to be sequential,) then I recommend starting with one of the stand-alones! I'm currently on Loveless, and previously I finished Radio Silence in a day. (Will I finish Loveless all in one day despite having to work an 8-hour shift? Stay tuned!) I'm enjoying Loveless a lot, though I'm sure if you noticed some of my recent reblogs it's clear Radio Silence left me gutted and I adore it. I Was Born For This is the other stand-alone I know of, but I've only heard very lukewarm things in the bookish community about it, so I might save that one for last personally, but if you check out the summary, you might be intrigued! I think any of the stand-alones in the Osemanverse are the best starting point, because it's an excellent way to get to know how accessible her writing will be for you, and you'll have a more self-contained timeline and characters to follow.

Sorry this got long-winded, but thank you for the ask! I was surprised and flattered anyone wanted my input on reading her books!

[annerbhp]

hi! i'm bringing this query to you because i find your answers very measured and sensible and i see you as someone who doesn't get too swept up in tumblr malaise. i noticed you reblogged a post, the one with the will mcphail cartoons, that i reblogged a couple weeks ago. shortly thereafter, i received a couple of anons about how a lot of terfs has contributed to the post and how i needed to delete it from my blog. i ended up just deleting it, because it wasn't a hill i wanted to die on and i didn't have the energy to respond to the anons. but i'm feeling a bit mixed about it now - like, the post is not radfem-y or terfy and doesn't say anything i disagree with. am i responsible for vetting every contributor to a post before reblogging it? does keeping a post that a radfem has contributed to on my blog mean i am platforming that person and their beliefs? i feel pretty torn about what my own responsibilities as a blogger are here. i'm wondering if, now that i have brought this question to you, it changes your feelings about the post, as well? i like mcphails cartoons a lot and i agree with the replies on the post. i saw it on your blog and missed having it on my own. does that make me a bad person?

I think there’s a couple places to land with this, and it’s really a matter of finding what works for you and what feels right to you.

It’s unreasonable to expect anyone to vet every username of every reblog/like on every post. And if the questionable thing is that someone who has done or said hateful things has interacted with a post on some level…well, that seems a bit much to demand of anyone. But if you find out and that’s enough to make you wish you hadn’t reblogged it, then go with your instinct and delete it.

It is not unreasonable to vet the people you choose to follow and interact with. If someone I follow starts posting stuff that is bigoted or hateful, I will unfollow them. I mean, this is tumblr. Me unfollowing isn’t going to hurt them or teach them a lesson. But I curate my experience here and I don’t want to see that crap, and I have no interest in excusing that behavior.

Vague anons saying “how dare you repost that post, you are a horrible person” is very different from someone sending a message saying, “When you posted this post, it said this, which hurts me in this way because of this history/meaning. Consider educating yourself.” Which, obviously the second requires a lot of labor on the part of the person who has been harmed, which we should never require, especially of marginalized people. But the difference here is “you suck” versus “this is a thing that happened that I thought you might want to know about”. One is an attack, the other is about seeing each other as humans, a focus on learning and being better. And I always remember that if I do post something that is hurtful, which we will all do at some point, impossible to avoid, people can choose to unfollow me as well if they don’t want to invest labor in me. I get that, and I am glad they have that power.

There are people who throw rocks just to see what ripples they can cause. (Which may or may not be the source here at all.) And I think, personally, the best thing to do is to avoid that as much as possible. A lot of fandom sanity has to do with not letting yourself get swept into stuff like that.

So, like, I don’t personally have plans to delete that post. If it comes out that Mcphail himself is anti-trans, then heck yes I would delete it, not wanting to promote the art of a person who holds such harmful, violent beliefs, and I certainly would not want to contribute to him making money or getting a bigger platform. I think that’s where the line would be for me. But I could change my mind. Or someone might send me an ask that makes me think differently about it. All we can do is be wiling to engage with the conversation and continue to grow.

But even if you just deleted it because you were too tired to deal with it? I think that’s completely fine. The school of ‘least said soonest mended’ can firmly apply here. If you don’t want any of that drama, no one blames you. But since you are still reflecting on it, I think something about it does bother you are bit. So maybe just think about what that is. But most of all, just remember why you are in this space, and keep your eye on your own humanity and being the kind of person you believe in being.

None of this makes you a bad person. You’re asking questions and reflecting and being thoughtful and trying to live your values. That’s all any of us can do.

[roguerogerss]

A Hard Day’s Night

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Plot: You’re just about to go to bed, when you get an unsuspected visit from a certain supersoldier. 

W/C: 2.2k

Warnings: angst, mentions of blood/injury, language, fluff.

(A/N: Hello again! Here’s another Bucky fic bbys! This has been unfinished in my drafts for the LONGEST time, and I finally got around to finishing it! Thank you so much for the support on ‘Safe Haven’! It really means the world to a small blog like me that people r enjoying my shtuffff. If you enjoy, pls remember to like and reblog! Feedback is always welcomed and appreciated!)

--------

It was three in the morning, and the sky had gone a shade of dark blue when I finally decided that maybe it would be a good time to sleep. I was notorious for not turning the TV off before going to bed, and that night was no different. It was a comfort thing, even though I was fully aware that it was racking up electricity bills, and that I’d be sorry for it at the end of the month.

When I rounded the corner, from the hallway to my bedroom, the only source of light was coming from the still-open curtains, which I didn’t bother to close before getting changed. No one was awake, and I figured that, if anyone was, they might as well have looked. I set an alarm for ten, even though I knew that I would blank it and wake up closer to two in the afternoon anyway, and then I lay on my bed and looked at the ceiling.

It was quiet, peaceful, tranquil. I enjoyed being awake at ungodly hours because it meant that, while I was awake, the world was asleep. I felt superior, like I’d beaten the system and was on an entirely different wavelength from the rest of New York City. Like the birds that I could hear in the distance were my only concerns, and that they were the only ones who truly understood me in of myself. I could’ve laughed at myself for sounding so philosophical in my own head, but I didn’t.

The silence was soothing and unbroken until, was that? No, it couldn’t be. Grunts? Groaning? My face contorted as I listened to whatever the noise was getting closer to my window. It didn’t so much as scare me, it was more worrying. I sat up just in time for my window to be slid open from the outside, not noticing the blur of silver metal and flesh in my state of panic. I was on the verge of picking up the lamp that sat next to my bed to whack the creature with, before the all too familiar figure hopped onto my windowsill and the fear that I was feeling was alleviated.

Bucky motherfucking Barnes.

He held his hands out to me, like he was surrendering, but he still had this grin on his face that he knew could make me melt. I hated him for not knocking, even though I knew that he didn’t knock, that he never had and probably never would. He simply let himself in, and, most nights - all nights - I was okay with that.

“Hey.” Bucky said. He said it so passively, like he hadn't just climbed twelve floors so that he could crawl through my window. Like he hadn't just done it without breaking a sweat. Like this wasn't the first time I'd seen him in almost a month, and it wasn't nearly four AM.

"What are you doing?" I sighed. I sat back down and admired him in his place, with his back against the window frame. He was attractive at all times, from all angles, but I liked him best in the low light of the early hours of the morning. The hollows of his cheekbones and jaw seemed more visible, chiseled, and his skin seemed perfect and unflawed. It was almost like the scars and blemishes that he'd acquired from past missions and suchlike simply ceased to exist. His eyes seemed brighter, more blue, with the way that the dim light reflected in them.

"I know you're probably mad." He pulled one knee up to his chest, circling his arms around it, and stretched his other leg out so that his foot was touching the other side of the window frame. "I don't expect you to be fine with me. Was on a mission, three weeks long, that's why I haven't been around. I know it's late, but I needed to see you as soon as I could."

I stayed quiet as I tilted my head back to look up at the ceiling. There were little patterns on it that I hadn't noticed before. They were faint, because the building was old, and I tried to decipher what they might be. I made a mental note to myself to try to figure out what they were at some other point.

"I would've called, but I was pretty badly hurt and tired most nights. Thought seeing me like that might've upset you." Bucky continued, but I still didn't speak. I didn't want to. I thought maybe I wanted to be mad, wanted some reason to be, but now that he'd given me nothing, I decided to do the same.

"Can you say something? Anything, please?"

I took a shaky breath. It was supposed to be deep, long, but my lungs felt shallow and like they had shrunk in capacity. "I would've liked it if you'd called. Would've been nice to see you."

I was being cold with him and I knew that I was, it was no coincidence and certainly no accident. My eyes were still fixated on the ceiling, trying to concentrate on the unknown patterns instead of Bucky. "Would've been nice to see me?"

I nodded, feeling stupid and like I could've cried, and Bucky scoffed in response. "Tell me, you think it would've been nice to see this?"

Bucky's flesh hand went to the side of his burgundy shirt, which I had seen before, and pulled it up just enough for me to see a large, swollen, red gash on his side. I knew that he'd been slashed by a knife, just from the look of it, but I looked away because I didn't want to see it.

I blinked down at my lap, and shook my head, at a loss for words and really just wanting to go to sleep. It was getting light outside, the intensity of the bird's screeching and bickering becoming increasingly more as the conversation went on.

"Of course you don't. Why would you?" Bucky sounded angry, like I'd personally offended him by not wanting to see the obscene laceration to his side.

"You could've still called. It's not obligatory for you to show me your wounds, in all of their glory."

"I heal overnight, sweetheart. If you get in a fight with someone, and they pull a knife on you, you're always left with more than one cut. And let's not forget that we never had any time to shower, so I was all dust and dirt and dried blood, plus a few stab wounds. Couldn't speak for a week, either, stabbed in the base of the neck and severed my vocal chords. Dr Cho managed to fix 'em up." Bucky had been staring out of the window, at the sky, which was orange and blue due to the rising sun, for the entire time that we'd been speaking. He hadn't looked at me at all, like he was trying to keep his composure and, if he saw my face, he'd lose it.

"Tell me, honestly, would you have wanted to see me like that?" I loved his voice. It was raspy and deep, but still managed to relax me, even when his words were harsh. Hearing him speak took me back to countless nights in my bed, when I'd be woken up by nightmares and Bucky would lull me back to sleep by simply telling me one of his stories from the 1940s. I was like a baby, latching onto his every word until they blurred together, became one, and I fell asleep in his arms.

"You could've texted." I said, lamely.

"Sorry."

"Don't be." I was done with the argument, and I made that clear in my voice and in my words. I wasn't unbothered by the situation at hand, that he hadn't visited, or called, that he'd seemingly forgotten about my existence and fallen off the face of the earth for three weeks, but I was so tired. All I could think about was going to sleep, but I wanted Bucky to be there beside me when I did.

"Are we okay now?" There was a hint of sarcasm in his voice, and a smirk adorned his face as he took his first look of the night in my direction. It wasn't a big gesture, but the look that he had about him made my heart flutter and beat erratically within the confines of my chest.

I smiled and lay back on my bed, with my hands clasped over my abdomen, ankles crossed, and head lulled back into the white pillows that were placed at the headboard. "Get changed and come here." I pointed to the white dresser that sat at the foot of my bed, and Bucky knew that I was asking him to stay the night, but he didn't seem to want to leave.

He got up, and I heard the heavy thumps of his combat boots against the floor. His footsteps were so loud and it was so late that I was sure that the couple who lived in the apartment directly below mine would complain about the noise the next morning. I heard Bucky opening the drawer, the one that was inexplicably his drawer, and I propped my head up on my hand to watch him.

He peeled his shirt off, inspected the gash on his side — which was already beginning to knit itself shut — and then discarded of his cargo pants and black boots somewhere on the floor of my bedroom. I didn't mind, instead, I watched the muscles in his back flex deliciously as he pulled on a pair of basketball shorts that I kept for when he stayed over.

I had one of his shirts, but he didn't bother putting it on for whatever reason, tiredness or just a general lack of desire to wear one. "It's rude to stare." He turned around, and a smirk tugged at the corners of his lips as he crawled towards me from the end of my bed.

Bucky placed a hand on my stomach, hiking up the big shirt that I was wearing so that he could press a kiss to the space above my belly button, the space below it, my hipbones over the pink and white cotton panties that I had on, the insides and outsides of my thighs, the backs of my knees. And then he pushed my legs open and lay between them, sighing as he buried his face in my chest.

One of my hands found his long, dark hair, which was freshly washed and smelled like apples, and the other found his jaw, clean shaven, soft.

"It's four in the morning." My fingers massaged Bucky's scalp while I stated the nonsensical words. I was unaware of what they were supposed to mean, what I wanted him to take from them, but I allowed him to interpret them in whatever way he wanted.

"Mm." Bucky hummed, like he was content or half-asleep, and then he propped his chin lightly on my stomach and looked up at me through his thick, dark lashes. His eyes were so striking that I couldn't help the way that my breath hitched, the way my tongue came out to wet my bottom lip, the way that I felt like butterflies were going berserk in my stomach. "What, you wanna sleep?"

“If that's not too much to ask." I giggled, watching intently as Bucky's eyes flicked over my face and his lips twitched in a tiny smile. He shook his head and kissed my collarbone, before rolling off of me and onto his side. I turned over to face him, and he held my face in his hands and smiled.

"'Course not. I haven't slept properly in weeks." He tugged my face towards his, looked at me with that lopsided grin that set butterflies loose in my stomach, and then captured my lips with his own. It was a sloppy kiss, one that indicated how tired we both were, but it felt nice. Nice to have him back, nice to have finally stopped arguing, nice to be laying in his arms. It just felt nice.

Bucky pulled back, as if to admire me in all of my half-asleep-messy-haired glory, and grinned lazily. “Goodnight, beautiful.” He dragged the comforter up to both of our chins and pulled me close, kissing me on the forehead then. “Sweet dreams.”

I sighed happily, the relief of Bucky being there making my heart swell. It was the same relief that came with Bucky’s return from any mission, whether it was long or short, or whether he had contacted me during it or not. I’d missed him - I always missed him - as much as I liked to pretend that I didn’t.

But he was home, he was here, and he made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere.

[rebelwrites]

Chapter Twenty Three: Demons - Lola

As this is an original fic it is hard to tag, so I’d really appreciate it is you reblogged and shared with your friends and followers 🖤 and if you reblog with comments I will love you forever

Join The Group Chat Here - If You Want Tagging Manually Let Me Know 🖤

Falling For Red Masterlist

This Months Writing

I currently felt trapped, in more ways than one. Trapped inside the house with a constant babysitter, I was surprised they let me breathe on my own and trapped in my mind. I was safe, I was home but my mind was stuck in the disgusting basement. My demons were back and taking over again.

To make things even harder, I hadn’t dyed my hair for about three weeks now, so my dark roots were starting to creep through reminding me yet again that I can’t escape who I really was, no matter how much I tried to bury the person I used to be.

Which was why for the last couple of days I kept myself locked in my room, only venturing out to get food and coffee. Much to Maddox’s annoyance I was smoking in my room, as much as he hated us smoking in the house he let it slide. I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone and thankfully the boys understood. I needed to get out of my own head but I couldn’t do the things I used to with a broken arm.

Grayson had continued to text me every day even though I never replied to him. In a way it was nice that he wasn’t giving up, hearing my phone vibrate against the windowsill I picked up seeing Grayson’s name appear on my screen. Leaning against the wall as I sat on the windowsill, I took a deep breath opening the messages. Thank god I didn’t have read receipts on. The breath caught in my throat as I saw it was a picture he had sent, with just the caption “We miss you Red!”

Clicking on the photo to make it full screen, my heart started racing at the sight. There he was, in just a pair of grey trackie bottoms, that hung dangerously low, a smile that could melt ice. He was holding Lucy in his arms, one of her little hands on his cheek and the other on his chest. Squeezing my eyes closed I tried not to get lost in the photo but it was too late. He had already taken over the demons in my head, like the sun coming out after a thunderstorm.

Part of me wanted to let him in, run into his arms and let him make me feel safe but the other part of me kept telling me he lied. But the thing was I kind of understood why he lied, it was the same reason I lied about what I did for a living. To protect people.

Before this life of destruction and death chose me, I had dreams, dreams of becoming a tattoo artist. But I never told anyone, not even the guys because I knew it would never happen. I would never have a normal life, I couldn’t just hand my notice into the agency. The only way you ever got out of this life was in a body bag.

I hadn’t left my room in over a week now, I was drowning with no life line, I was hardly sleeping now. The moment my eyes closed I was back in that place, haunting me the moment I tried to sleep.

“Red come on you need to get out of this room” Nix shouted through the door.

“Leave me alone” I snapped pulling the duvet over my head.

“There’s someone here to see you”

“Don’t care”

He didn’t listen though as I heard the door open, why didn’t I lock the bloody door?

“Nix I said fuck off. I want to be alone” I huffed “I don’t want to see or speak to you”

“Good job I’m not Nix then” Grayson’s voice appeared, making my heart start to race, my body felt like it was on fire. Why did he have to affect me this much?

“Fuck off”

“I’m not going anywhere Princess” he said lowly “not now not ever, you can’t avoid me forever”

“I can fucking try” I mumbled, as the duvet was pulled off me. I refused to look at him, I knew the moment I did it would be game over and I would crumble.

“Are you going to get your ass out of bed?”

“Nope”

“Fine” he huffed, I didn’t know what he was doing but I heard the thump of shoes landing on the floor, followed by the sound of a zip undoing. But I refused to look, I couldn’t, I needed to keep these walls up.

Feeling the bed dip from his weight, before I was surrounded by the smell of his aftershave and the warmth from his body. “What are you doing?” I was panicking now.

“Hey just relax, it’s okay” he whispered pulling me closer to him. “You said you wasn't getting out of bed so I got in, so stop tensing and just relax”

“Why are you doing this?” I mumbled as the smell of leather intertwined with hints of vanilla and subtle tones of lavender wash over me, taking a deep breath I gave into his touch. Letting my body relax as he ran his fingers down my arm.

“Because believe it or not Princess, I do care about you” he whispered “and I know what it’s like to shut yourself away after something like this happens”

“You do?”

“Yes Red” he sighed “I went through the same sort of thing when I was twenty. I bottled everything up, shut everyone out until one day I exploded and the next thing you know I was in the back of a cop car. And I’m not letting that happen with you, now have you been sleeping?”

“Not really” I mumbled as I traced the lines of his tattoos with my finger, listening to the steady beat of his heart, my legs tangled in his, I hated how safe he made me feel in such a short space of time. “Every time I try, I’m back there”

“It gets better I promise” he whispered, placing a tender kiss on my forehead. “But you need to sleep”

“But”

“I’m not taking no for an answer, Red. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere okay, I’ve got you” he whispered “just please take a nap”

I didn’t have any fight left in me, I was so tired. So I let the sound of his heart be the lullaby I needed to drift off to sleep.

“Hey sleepy” Grayson whispered as I rubbed my eyes.

“Hey” I whispered, yawning. “Thank you”

“You don’t need to thank me Princess” he said softly kissing the top of my head. “But I’m guessing that’s the first time you have slept without waking up?”

“Yeah it was, I guess I just needed to feel safe” I said, instantly regretting the words. Now he knew I felt safe around him.

“Come on, tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” He asked, playing with the ends of my hair.

“My demons are taking over again” I sighed, taking a deep breath. “Not just the demons from what’s happened. It’s making me want to give up, like what purpose do I have. I don’t have the strength anymore. I don’t want this life of mine, I want out but that isn’t an option”

“Come here” he whispered wrapping his arms tightly around me. “You are stronger than you think”

“I doubt it” I mumbled into his bare chest.

He didn’t say anything as he rolled me into my back, taking my hand in his, placing it over my heart. “Do you feel that?”

“It’s just my heart beating” I said, raising my eyebrow at him. “They kind of do that Gray”

“Okay miss smart arse” he chuckled “but that’s called purpose, you are here for a reason Princess, please don’t give up. You have so many people around you to catch you when you fall”

“Why are you being so nice to me?” I sighed dropping my eyes from him. “I’ve ignored you for like the past week”

“Like I said earlier I care about you Red and don’t want you to go through this alone” he whispered brushing his knuckles against my cheek. “It’s still pretty early and I’m not going anywhere but we are going to get you out of this room, so what do you want to do?”

“Well seen as nothing isn’t going to be an answer” I said rolling my eyes, running my hand through my hair. “I need to get my hair dyed and maybe some food”

“Yeah about that, I thought you were a natural redhead” he smirked.

“Yeah because people naturally have bright red hair, idiot” I laughed, for the first time in what felt like forever.

“Well come on then, go get in the shower and so will go make a coffee” he said smiling, dropping a kiss onto my forehead.

@chibsytelford @everyhowlmarksthedead @talicat713 @little-diable @band--psycho @mrsmarvelous1995 @pancakeisreading

[cordonian-literature]

The Aftermath - Ch. 14

Goodbye, NYC

SUMMARY: The group leaves for Cordonia

Word Count: ~3.8k

Warnings: Mention of character death

A/N: i am soooo sorry that i haven’t updated as regularly, i’ve been pretty drained this past week but hopefully it won’t happen again. & also i just wanted to give my thanks to each and every one of you for all the comments, likes, & reblogs. it means more than you all could know <3

*All characters belong to Pixelberry, except those that are unique to my story (I've also used some characters and fictional instances from Donna Tartt's "The Goldfinch")*

Catch up here!

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✦✧✦✧✦✧✦✧✦✧✦✧

- Eleanor - 

Today was our last day of school since we were all leaving for Cordonia tomorrow. When Rowan dropped us off, she told us that it was okay to feel sad about leaving. That made me think I was going to tear up when I would have to say goodbye to all my friends, but surprisingly, it wasn't that difficult, considering that I knew I would never see these people again in my life.

When Rowan picked us back up, I decided to ask Gabe how his day had gone. Ever since that dinner with Mama and Liam, he had been distant. And honestly, that upset me.

All of the adults had were occupied lately, helping Mama get to her appointments and trying to make her feel better. Grandma and Rowan had been helping us pack, and Rowan was always busy trying to make sure that Grandma didn't change her mind about us going with Liam. So since everyone else had something to do, I only had Gabe to spend the day with, and now that Gabe was distancing himself from me, I was technically alone.

Rowan opens up the door to our penthouse, telling us to go inside. She said that she would be back in a couple of hours and had to go home and pack (since Grandma decided that the only way she was going to let us go was if Rowan came with us). I closed the door and turned to tell Gabe about my day, but he had disappeared.

I walked into the living room, finding it empty. I heard voices from the dining room, but I didn't feel like talking to Liam's friends at the moment, so I go towards our bedrooms, leaving my backpack next to the couch.

Once I reach Gabe's door, I knock. I hear him cough from the other side, so I try to open the door, but the handle doesn't turn.

"Gaaaaabbbeee!" I call to him. "Please don't lock yourself in your room again!"

"Go away!" he shouts at me. "Leave me alone! And stop being annoying!"

I shake the door handle a few more times, to which Gabe responds, "Stop it! Don't break my door!"

"I won't break it if you open it!" I call back.

"No!"

I feel tears burning at the backs of my eyes. If Gabe wasn't going to talk to me, who was? Everyone else in the house was busy. And all I wanted was to talk about my day at school.

I look around me at the empty hallway and suddenly feel so alone. I feel empty, but at the same time, I feel like there are so many emotions inside of me that I was going to burst.

So... if Gabe wasn't going to talk to me, and I had said goodbye to all of my friends in school today... did that mean that I really had no companions to speak with anymore?

I feel so far away from everyone else. I couldn't go into the dining room with everyone because I didn't belong there (and they probably didn't want a crying baby to ruin the mood), and I couldn't go to Gabe either because he didn't want me near him.

I had never really felt lonely before. Friendly people always surrounded me, and there was still a shoulder for me to cry on. Now there was no one and nothing.

If I felt like this at home in New York... then would I feel worse in Cordonia? Where I didn't know what the houses or apartments looked like, how the other kids acted, how their subways worked?

Suddenly I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay. I wanted the loneliness to go instead of me. Why did Gabe want me to be alone? Weren't we supposed to be in this together?

I ball my fists and start pounding on Gabe's door, and eventually start crying, too. The tears blur my vision, and I couldn't even see the outline of the door, but as long as my hand hurt a little when it made contact with whatever was in front of me, I took that as a good sign.

I was about to start kicking the door, but a pair of large, soft hands grab my arms and pin them to my sides. The person turns me towards them, and I come face-to-face with Liam. His eyebrows are slightly furrowed, and the corners of his mouth tilt downwards in concern.

I stop crying for a moment, allowing the remaining tears in my eyes to fall so that I could fully see Liam.

Daddy used to make the same expression that was on Liam's face, and for half a second, I actually see my father instead of Liam. Even though Liam's hair was blond and his eyes are blue, while Daddy's hair was dark brown, and his green eyes were always on the other side of a pair of glasses — their expressions are frighteningly similar. I have to stop myself from referring to Liam as my father.

And that took a lot of energy. I take a shaky breath to stop the words from escaping, and when I see Daddy again after Liam's eyes twitch, I bury my face in Liam's neck and continue crying.

"Oh, Ella, it's alright." He wraps his arms around me, which is so comforting that I start crying even harder. I missed having someone envelop me such safe hugs. Liam rubs a hand along my back. "It's alright. You're alright, I'm here."

I hear the click of a lock and know that Gabriel has opened his door. I can't see him, but I feel Liam's neck crane upward to look at Gabe.

"Sorry, Ella," my brother says. "I didn't realize you were outside."

"You're lying," I mumble into Liam's neck.

Liam sighs but keeps me in his arms until my crying subsides. I hear Gabe retreat into his room again. Liam pats my back, and I remove myself from his embrace to follow my brother into his room, wiping my tears on my sleeve, my bout of angry sadness over.

Gabe is on his bed, playing with his Nintendo Switch. I can't tell what game he's playing, but I hear the animated characters' grunts and catchphrases. Looking around his room, I see that the shelves along the walls of the room are half empty. There were open suitcases in front of his closet, which still had a few clothes that needed to be packed. (Thankfully, Grandma had already helped me pack all of my things, so I didn't have to worry about my own clothes).

I look at Gabe, wondering if he would talk to me now. Understanding that he wasn't going to glance up from his game, I'm about to ask him if I can use his PlayStation before he puts it away, but Liam speaks up.

"I know it must be difficult for both of you—" he stares at Gabe, trying to get his attention, "—having to leave your home and everything you know to start living in a foreign country. It's not going to be the same there as it is for you here." His shoulders are tense, and he pulls his hand behind his back. Liam seems uncomfortable, and it's not a good look for him. "You will also spend a lot of time under public attention, and that may be difficult to adjust to. I want you both to know that if there's anything you need, I'll always be there to help you through it."

"Yeah, you said that already," Gabe mumbles, still playing his game.

Liam's face falls. He opens his mouth a little but then closes it again. Liam turns to look at me, and I smile at him.

He hesitates for another moment before saying, "How was school today, Eleanor?"

"It was nice!" I tell him, suddenly giddy with excitement, remembering all the events of the day. "My teacher told the gym teacher that today was my last day, and so the gym teacher brought out these scooters that we had to sit on, and we played football on the scooters! And then look!" I hold out my finger to him, and he cups my hand in his to bring it closer to his face. "My team was about to win, and I had the ball, but then this girl from the other team, Veronica, who doesn't like me, made her scooter go over my finger and then my nail broke a little bit and started bleeding a little and then I had to go to the nurse, and the nurse gave me a lollipop! I would give it to you, but I ate it already. Sorry."

He looks back at my face, gently running his thumb over my bandaged finger. One corner of Liam's mouth lifts, and he says, "That's alright. It seems like you had an exciting day. Did Veronica get in trouble?"

"Nuh-uh," I exclaim, shaking my head. "She rolled away. And then when I came back from the nurse, everyone was waiting because we had to go back to our class and when we got there the teacher gave us pizza and tiny cupcakes! But then I had to say goodbye to everyone, and it was sad."

He kneels down on one knee so that our faces are at the same level. "Well, I know it must be upsetting to say goodbye to your friends, but I'm sure you'll make new ones in Cordonia."

I shrug, not really believing him.

"Oh, don't be like that. I know many children in court that would love to be your friend!"

"Like who?" I ask him.

"Well..." he looks away, deep in thought. "How about Bartie?"

"Bartie never wants to do anything!" I tell him.

"And all he does," Gabe speaks up, finally putting his game down, "is walk around saying, 'I mustn't, Your Highness. No, thank you, Your Highness.' He's so boring. And why does he call me that? My name is Gabriel."

I notice that Gabe put his Switch on the bed, so I run for it and start trying to play the game.

Liam stands and comes to sit on the edge of the bed. "Since we are going to announce to the public that you are my son, you will be anointed as my heir and will be the Crown Prince. Whenever someone speaks to you, they will refer to you as 'Your Highness.'"

"Why?" Gabe asks. He leans into my side, trying to see what I'm doing in the game. I make my character, a really buff dude with a red headband, jump around other characters who are chasing him.

"That's how it works," Liam states. "They refer to their king and queen as 'Your Majesty,' whose Latin root word is 'greatness.' They call the prince or princesses 'Your Highness,' because of their high status. Bartie is accustomed to a life of formality, so it's natural for him."

"So...," Gabe turns to Liam, "they call you 'Your Majesty' because you're the king, right?"

"Nuh-uh!" I exclaim. Liam chuckles, and when I turn to look at him and laugh along, the Nintendo Switch vibrates, and a man's voice from the game screams 'GAME OVER!'

Gabe takes the device from my hands and starts another game. Liam points at Gabe's suitcases. "Do you need any help packing the rest of your things?"

"Nah, I'm good. Grandma said she'd give me a hand with everything that's left," Gabe responds. As an afterthought, he adds, "Thank you, though."

Liam gives a small nod. "Well, then... I wanted to let you both know that I am leaving for Cordonia today."

Gabriel looks up. "I thought we were all leaving together?"

"Yes, but since the press doesn't know that you're my son, we have to be discreet and enter the country at different times to make sure news or rumors don't get out before we're ready to give an announcement."

"So when are we going to see you?" I ask.

"A few days after you settle in with the Beaumonts, I'll come to see how you are all doing, and I'll bring you back to the capital for the social season."

"That's the thing you were asking Mama about?" I question.

He gives a small smile. "Yes, your mother has gone through the social season before."

Bastien interrupts our little conversation by knocking on the door. "Your Majesty," he says. "The jet should be ready now. Shall we depart?"

"Yes, thank you for alerting me, Bastien." Liam stands and turns back to us. "I'll see you two very soon."

"Okay!" I exclaim, getting off of the bed to give Liam a hug.

He puts a hand on my head, and when I back away, he tells me, "If there are any mean Veronicas in Cordonia, promise you'll tell me if they bother you?"

I laugh a little and then promise.

When we part, I see Gabe and Liam stare at each other awkwardly, but neither of them makes a move. After a few moments, Gabriel lifts his hand in farewell. Liam smiles and nods, and then leaves.

For a few more minutes, I watch Gabe play, waiting for him to give me a turn. Before he gets a chance to start the game again and give it to me, we hear his phone vibrating from the inside of his backpack. When he crosses the room to take it out, before answering it, he tells me, "It's Uncle Boris!"

Uncle Boris was Daddy's college friend, and also our Godfather. We hadn't seen him in a while. He was traveling around Europe for business and to spend time with his wife and kids. We were actually supposed to visit him a couple weeks ago, but because of the bombing, we couldn't.

Gabe answers the phone and puts it on speakerphone. We both huddle in front of it and a nostalgic joy vibrates in my heart when I hear Uncle Boris' thick Russian accent call out, "Hello, zayats!"

We giggle at the nickname that hasn't worn off since Gabe lost his front teeth (when they came back in, Uncle Boris had commented that he looked like a little rabbit), and then in union we say, "Hi, Uncle Boris!"

"Rowan tells me today was last day of school for you two?" he asks us in his broken English.

"Yeah," Gabe answers. "We're leaving for Cordonia."

"Cordonia, eh?" (He pronounces it 'CARdonia'). "That is not an hour's flight from where I am!"

"Really?" I ask. "Are you going to visit us? Can you please visit us?"  

"If your Mama allows, then yes, I visit. But what you children go to Cordonia for?"

"Because apparently Liam is Gabe's dad that Mama never told us about," I ramble, "and since Daddy's not here anymore and Mama doesn't have a lot of her memory, we have to go with him and his friends."

"Liam?" Uncle Boris questions. "Liam, who?"

"Uh." Gabe frowns. "I don't know his last name. But he says he's a king."

"Which is fake!" I blurt out. "I bet he's lying about it."

"Ah!" Uncle Boris exclaims. "King Liam! Yes, yes, your mother tell me and Potter about him." (Uncle Boris has always called Daddy 'Potter' because Daddy's glasses used to remind Uncle Boris of Harry Potter). "What he wants?"

"He's bringing us to Cordonia with him," Gabe states.

"Pfft. Nonsense king. Bringing small child to foreign country to keep stupid monarchy alive. You know why countries have no more monarchy? Take Russia as example—."

He continues rambling, and I genuinely think he doesn't remember he's talking to us. Gabe looks up at me and whispers, "I think he's drunk!" He coughs loudly into his elbow, and the vibration I hear from the back of his throat tells me the cough was genuine. But Uncle Boris doesn't seem to notice and keeps talking.

I cover my mouth and giggle. There's another knock on the door, and we turn to see Rowan, followed by Maxwell.

"What's up, baby blossoms?" Maxwell calls to us.

In a loud whisper, Gabe responds, "Talking to Uncle Boris!"

"It's okay," Rowan says, grabbing the phone and taking it off of speakerphone. "I've got this. There's food for you guys if you want something to eat?"

"C'mon, blossoms!" Maxwell exclaims, leading us towards the dining room. "Are you guys excited to get to Cordonia tomorrow?"

We shrug and nod, trying our best to seem somewhat enthusiastic.

"Aw, don't worry. I'm sure you'll love it when you finally get there. Your mom came to adore it after just spending a short time there." He pauses for a moment, then lowers his voice before continuing, and I don't think Gabe and I are meant to hear what he said when he goes, "That's why it was so much of a surprise when she left."

Gabe and I share a worried glance. In the short time that we had known Maxwell, he was always cheerful. But his last sentence was carried out with a heavy voice. "At least it's good that she's finally going back?" Gabe states, accidentally making it sound like a question.

Maxwell looks down at him, patting Gabe's head. "It sure is, baby blossom. It sure is."

- Drake -

The day after Liam left, the Beaumonts, Drake, Rowan, Riley, and her kids were all in the airport waiting for the pilot to get ready. Liam had told Drake before leaving that he thought it would be best if he went back home with the Beaumonts so he could help Riley and the kids settle in. Drake wanted to tell him that he already decided that, but he believed that it would be best not to agitate Liam, who was already stressed.

When it was time to finally get on the jet, Drake tells Maxwell to grab Riley's crutches before she can reach them. Drake then offers to carry Riley in his arms to help her board the plane.

She blushes and argues that she can do it herself, but then accepts after Drake persists. Her kids follow closely behind, not taking their eyes off of their mother.

Inside, he puts her down and takes the seat right next to her, while the kids take the seats in front of them. While everyone else settles in, Drake notices Riley moving around.

"You good, Brooks?" he asks her.

"Yeah," she says. "My leg's making me a bit uncomfortable, though."

"The doctor said that you had to keep it elevated. Here." Drake gently grabs her injured leg and sets it down on his knee. "That better?"

"Yeah, thanks." She smiles at him.

For the rest of the plane ride, Riley goes in and out of naps, resting her head on Drake's shoulder. The children talk with Rowan and Maxwell, who seem to be getting friendly with one another. Bartie stares out of the window for the most part but does his best to include himself in conversations with Gabriel and Eleanor. Savannah and Bertrand murmur amongst themselves, and occasionally Bertrand stands to make sure that Riley's doing alright.

Drake sits silently, glancing at Riley while she slept, doing his best not to remind himself of the first time he and Maxwell had brought her to Cordonia.

He promised himself that he would do everything that he could to make sure there would be no repeat of the social season or the Engagement Tour.

I'll be damned if I let the court ruin Riley and her kids, he thinks to himself.

Drake watches Maxwell teach Gabriel and Eleanor a game he just created. When he glances out the window, Drake takes a moment to stare at the expanse of water that had separated him from Riley for so long. He checks the time, trying to estimate when they would be able to view Cordonia out the window, hoping to wake Riley to let her see the shore. He hated that she still didn't remember any of them; there were still so many questions they needed to ask her.

He stares down at her sleeping face, and for a moment, his heart aches for everything that she's gone through. There's a sense of guilt that vibrates within him, for everything that he did and didn't do. And there's also... reluctance. He's almost scared to bring her back, to bring happiness back. They had all spent so much time in a deep hole of 'if only' that leaving the hole felt unnatural. Eventually though, that all fades away as Drake drifts into sleep, Riley's peaceful features having allured him.

- Bastien -

Due to unpredictable weather the night before, King Liam's jet was unable to take flight for Cordonia when he had wished it to. The delay lasted for hours, and King Liam's aircraft was finally in the air only an hour before the Beaumont's plane was predicted to take off. Liam told Bastien it would be best not to tell the Beaumont's about his delay, seeing that they still had to give off the illusion that everyone was arriving from a different place, but Bastien saw the reluctance in his king's eyes; the man wanted to go with them, but couldn’t.

As King Liam's jet lands in the capital, Bastien sends a radio message to the rest of the King's Guard to keep away paparazzi and to make sure there was no threat in any surrounding areas. Near the entrance of the airport, there's a limo waiting for the king. Bastien opens the door for Liam, then goes to sit in the front.

He sends out another message to the guards still in the palace, alerting them that the king was returning, and reminding them to report anything pressing. Bastien receives messages stating that there was nothing eventful going on, except small preparations for the social season. Bastien breathes out, glad that his king would not have more to bother him.

When they reach the palace, Bastien jumps out of the car and follows King Liam, who is already through the entrance.

There's noise on the other end of his earpiece, and Bastien is about to ignore it and shut it off before a female guard's voice states, "Alert His Majesty that he has someone waiting to speak to him."

Bastien doesn't say anything back into the radio, since King Liam was walking right beside him. Before Bastien can tell his king the news, the woman's voice sounds again.

"Bas, can you hear me? Prince Leo wants His Majesty to know that he's waiting to talk to him. He says it's important."