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thephantomessoftheopera · 3 years

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Notes on Gaston Leroux’s “The Phantom of the Opera” - Chapter 13: “Apollo’s Lyre”

Image of the Apollo statue on the rooftop of the Palais Garnier from Wikimedia Commons

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The chapter “Apollo’s Lyre” constitutes the basis for the “rooftop scene” between Raoul and Christine in the ALW version, but in the book, it is really all about Erik. It’s quite possibly the most important chapter in the novel because we meet our title hero face-to-face for the first time, and because Erik overhearing Christine‘s plan to escape provides a turning-point for the plot.

The symbol of Apollo's Lyre is not only present in the Apollo statue on the highest point of the rooftop (that Erik is supposedly clinging to here), but also adorns the chandelier both in the Palais Garnier and in the original production of the musical.

At the end of the preceding chapter, Raoul had vowed to take Christine away, but she is still at war with herself about the idea. She wants to leave because she is afraid, but at the same time, warns Raoul that he will probably need to force her to leave since she isn’t emotionally ready to let go:

““But if I refuse to go with you when the time comes for you to take me away, you must make me go!” [...] she spoke these words with a forcefulness that seemed to be directed against herself.”

Every time Raoul offers to take her away right then and there, Christine refuses with an excuse of why it’s not possible to leave just now. Yet she is afraid that the next time she goes to Erik, she may never leave again. Erik seems to make her feel very deeply - but too much feeling can be very terrifying, especially if it’s a wild ride on that emotional rollercoaster of ecstasy, horror, pity, despair and passion that he sends her on. It’s no wonder she rationally wants to get out before it consumes her, and yet is afraid of losing it.

While she begins telling Raoul the whole story from her perspective, they repeatedly think they hear sighs, but still remain in the same place. This is a bit odd, considering how they kept running around before, but now, Christine insists that they stay, which is a bit curious. It is possible that she thought they were safe - but considering her general unwillingness to leave, I think it is even possible that she might be subconsciously sabotaging her own escape plan.

When Christine speaks about how she first met Erik, it becomes clear that masquerading as the Angel of Music was not initially Erik‘s idea. When Christine heard Erik in her dressing-room for the first time three months ago, he sang and spoke to her like a real man, except that he had this beautiful angelic voice and was hiding in the passage behind her room, so that he could not be seen. The first person to suggest that he might indeed be the Angel of Music is Mama Valerius, who prompts Christine to ask Erik if he is the Angel her father had sent for her. Erik jumps at the opportunity presented to him and confirms that her assumption is correct, and asks if she will let him teach her. She consents, and together they make amazing progress, developing both Christine’s technique and her inspiration to hitherto unknown heights.

One day, Christine sees Raoul at the Opera, and eagerly tells Erik about it. I bet he bitterly cursed himself then for passing himself off as an Angel, leaving enough space in Christine’s heart for a real man. But his threats to leave cause her to despair and to try to ignore Raoul - also because a marriage to him would be out of her reach anyway. Now it’s Erik’s turn to whine and accuse Christine of being in love with Raoul in the same way we’ve seen Raoul do before. But just like with Raoul, she won’t have that and even challenges Erik that she will ask Raoul to accompany her to Perros. According to her, Erik’s jealous reaction made her realize that she loved Raoul. I wonder if madly jealous Raoul also made her realize that she might possibly be just a little bit in love with two very different men?

Subconsciously, she seems to kind of know already that Erik is not really an angel, because when the chandelier falls, she is half-mad with panic and terribly afraid that it may have killed “the Voice” (and it would be a bit difficult to kill a heavenly being even if you dropped a chandelier on it). She also admits that then, Raoul and Erik were both “the equal halves of her heart” (and I think they still are, beneath all the complications that have arisen in the meantime). She runs to her dressing-room because that is where she is most likely to find “the Voice”, and when she hears the sounds of Erik singing and playing the “Resurrection of Lazarus” on his violin, she follows his voice through the mirror without being able to say how exactly she disappeared through it. She suddenly finds herself being gripped by a man in a black cloak and a full-face mask and tries to fight back, but then faints. When she wakes, she is resting on the ground near a fountain, and Erik is gently tending to her, but doesn’t reply to her questions so as not to give himself away as “the Voice”. Christine recognizes César the horse, and realizes that even though she never believed in the ghost, she had heard the rumours about him stealing the horse.

Erik takes Christine to the house by the lake, first on César’s back (that’s what he needed the horse for, after all) and then in the famous boat (which is rowed in the novel). She is no longer terrified, but feels strangely peaceful - an effect which she attributes to the possibility of having been drugged, even though she admits that at the same time, she was still in full possession of her senses.

“Lake Averne”, the name of the lake under the Opera House, is a play on words as well as meaning. First, “lac averne” is almost the same as “la caverne”, which means “the cavern”. There is also a real lake named “Lago d’Averno” in Italy, and in Roman mythology, that lake is one of the entrances to the Underworld. This fits with the fact that Erik also bears characteristics of Charon, the ferryman to the Underworld, whose name can be literally translated as “with glowing eyes”. The iconic boat ride certainly resembles the passage into the Hades, which is even alluded to in the novel.

The water tank below the Palais Garnier. Image from atlasobscura.com

Let’s stay in the Underworld for a moment. “The Phantom of the Opera” can also be seen as a variation on the story of Hades and Persephone (Christine’s ship in “Love Never Dies” is not called “Persephone” for nothing). Hades, the god of the Underworld, fell in love with the young and beautiful Persephone and wanted to marry her, but as the goddess of spring, she wasn’t willing to abandon the world above and go to live in the Underworld. Therefore Hades abducted her, she finally consented to marry him and became queen of the Underworld. Due to the intervention of her infuriated mother Demeter, it was finally decided that she would divide her time between living on earth for some months every year and living in the Underworld for the rest of the time.

When they arrive, Erik sets a confused Christine down in his brightly lit drawing-room, which has been decorated with an enormous amount of golden baskets full of flowers. It is not quite clear where all the flowers come from, so I guess he bought them all for her. With a salary of 20,000 francs, he could probably afford the luxury of spending so much on flower decorations… He tells her that she is in no danger, as long as she doesn’t touch his mask. When Christine realizes that the Voice is not an angel, she starts crying. Erik then kneels down in front of her and proceeds to tell her without further ado who he is, begs her to forgive him, and lays his heart at her feet. He confesses how much he loves her, and how wrong his actions were, but that he did everything out of love for her. It seems that Erik was rather anxious to reveal the truth that he is not really the Angel of Music and end his deception, but at the same time, was waiting for an opportunity that would allow him to explain everything without the risk of her running away from him forever. Keep in mind that he took on the role of the Angel of Music for just a couple of months, not years as it is commonly assumed.

Christine then stands up to demand her freedom, and is taken aback when he actually concedes it to her, telling her that she is free to leave. But after all, she does not leave because he starts to play the harp and sing for her. The piece he is singing here is the “Canzone del Salice” from Rossini’s “Otello”, in which Desdemona laments the cruelty of love. It is often assumed that the „Otello“ Leroux is referencing here is the more famous “Otello” by Verdi, but that one didn’t premiere until 1887, while the story is definitely set before 1886. Furthermore, Rossini’s version of the “willow song” is the only one that starts with a harp solo. The song is included in the playlist, listen to it here:

https://open.spotify.com/track/25ILZhCIWIRjJVK8SqDWzn?si=U5EPiO_ySBOlIy5XvI1BGw&dl_branch=1

The next morning, Christine awakes on the couch in „her“ bedroom (aka the “Louis-Philippe room”) where Erik must have carried her after she had fallen asleep. When she can‘t get out, she suffers a fit of hysterics, although it seems that she has simply been unable to locate the door set within the wall. Erik has been out shopping for her, which is a rather cute scene when he comes back with all the boxes for her while she yells at him. He calmly tells her to get ready for lunch, and she slams the door in his face so she can take a bath in peace. She places a pair of scissors within reach so that she could kill herself if Erik “stopped behaving like an honourable man”. Her concern is understandable, being alone with the man who is madly in love with her, however it is important to note that Erik never physically forces himself on her throughout the story.

Remarkably, Erik’s house had both hot and cold running water, something that was still very rare then, which suggests that he actually lived in better hygienic conditions than most people at that time, and that he was a skilled engineer.

When she finally joins him, he tells her that she does not need to be afraid, and that all he asks for is that she will spend 5 days with him. After that, he hopes that she will come back to see “poor Erik” from time to time, shedding a few tears beneath his black mask as he speaks. He serves Christine lunch in the drawing-room, consisting of crayfish, chicken wings and Tokay wine, but he himself does again not eat or drink. From their conversation, we learn that Erik has taken on his name “by chance”, whatever that means. The meaning of the name is “sole ruler” which is quite fitting for him.

When Christine has finished eating, Erik invites her to see his room, and she doesn’t hesitate as she instinctively trusts him. Apparently Erik has a very gothic taste as far as room decorating goes, and all this also plays heavily into the death symbolism of his character. Erik sleeping in a coffin is reminiscent of vampire stories, especially because it seems to be a choice and not a necessity. There is also an organ with the score of “Don Juan Triumphant” on it, written in Erik’s customary red ink(?). Erik tells her that he started composing it 20 years ago. Christine asks him to play her something from his “Don Juan”, but Erik refuses because “some music is so formidable that it consumes everyone who approaches it”. It is quite significant that the “sing for me” motif is absent from the novel version, in contrast to the ALW version where it is very strong. Erik, in the novel, has no plans for Christine to sing any of his music. He wants her companionship and her love, and he wants to sing together with her and lose himself in their shared passion for music, but he definitely does not see her as an instrument of sorts. He did help advance her career, but not with the intention of having her perform his work.

Erik makes it clear that his own music is very different from Mozart’s „Don Giovanni“ and from “opera music” in general. “Don Juan Triumphant” can be seen as an allusion to Lord Byron’s epic poem “Don Juan” (in which, incidentally, Don Juan is sold as a slave to the sultana of Constantinople).

He sits down at the piano and starts singing the duet from “Otello” with Christine. There is of course more than one duet in “Otello”, but this one is most likely “Non arrestare il colpo/Notte per me funesta” from Act III (here: https://open.spotify.com/track/151M60b3qxzqKLDFwIVuUB?si=WX4TDWCeQVmIChqd6u7CyQ&dl_branch=1 and here: https://open.spotify.com/track/2Ep1OncGZCNR9yFevG6Pb6?si=QzG2JztuQ42MDoiVrLAaew&dl_branch=1 ) In this scene, Othello accuses Desdemona of betraying him, while she tries to convince him that she is innocent. She realizes that she has fallen victim to Iago’s plot, but Othello does not believe her and stabs her. This opera, for once, is in Italian, while most of the other pieces that appear in the “Phantom” are sung in French.

The unmasking in the novel happens while Christine is swept up in the passion of her duet with Erik. She “stepped closer to him, attracted and fascinated, enticed by the idea of dying at the center of such passion. But before dying [she] wanted to see his face…”

It’s not like she is sneaking up to him out of pure curiosity, but rather reacting to an instinctive wish to pull away the barrier between them. The scene is even more tragic because with a normal face, the passionate mood that Christine was in would have potentially led to her kissing him. But sadly, his face is anything but normal, so Christine recoils in horror instead. Erik’s reaction to the unmasking is violent and horrific as he goes mad with rage at her, even hurting his own face with her fingernails - an expression of his self-loathing. Throughout the scene, Christine seems fixated on the horror of his face more than his behaviour, though. Ashamed of himself, Erik crawls out of the room and shuts himself up in his bedroom.

“Apollo’s Lyre” by Annie Stegg Gerard

Erik’s appearance as described in the novel is indeed bordering the realm of the fantastic and supernatural. He is so stuffed with death symbolism that it is hard to take everything literally. Christine’s description makes it rather hard to see him as “real” because he seems to look like something straight out of a nightmare.

It is important to note that Erik is not just run-of-the-mill ugly, but that he is very clearly associated with death in many ways - from sleeping in a coffin and having funeral-style decor in his room to actually looking like a „living corpse“. Erik and Christine can be seen as a literal expression of the artistic topos „death and the maiden“, which especially towards the end of the 19th century associated death very strongly with the erotic (see https://eclecticlight.co/2020/01/05/paintings-for-our-time-death-and-the-maiden/ for a very good overview of the motif). Death here is usually represented as either a skeleton or corpse, or as an angel - which is very much in line with Leroux’s Erik.

”Girl and Death” by Edvard Munch

Combined with the fact that Erik‘s music creates feelings of passion, rapture and ecstasy in Christine, it is not a big stretch to conclude that Erik is associated not only with death, but also with sexuality. The duality of sex as both a life-creating and life-threatening force was acutely perceived by the people of that period. Love and death are connected, and both are represented in Erik‘s character. ALW‘s musical adaptation recognized this strongly erotic undercurrent in the story and translated it very aptly into songs such as „Music of the night“ or „Point of no return“. The way in which Christine describes her lessons with Erik - that they “awakened an ardent, voracious, and sublime life” in her, and made her live in a “kind of ecstatic dream” can also be interpreted as her romantic awakening, with all the frightening emotional chaos attached to it.

Raoul, on the other hand, is more associated with purity and propriety - which is reflected in how he views Christine, and the standards that she must conform to in his opinion.

Before seeing Erik’s face, Christine admits that she *would* have come back, but that now, she would never return because “you don’t go back into a grave with a corpse that loves you”. Note how she switches from the first person to the impersonal “you” in this sentence - “you” might not do that, but we already know she did in fact go back more than once. And she is still able to see something of the angel in him because he does not take advantage of the situation, but leaves her alone, turning to his music again.

And then, “music has the power to abolish everything in the outside world except its sounds, which go straight to the heart”. Erik starts playing the finale of “Don Juan Triumphant” where “ugliness, lifted on the wings of love, had dared to look beauty in the face”. Through the music, Christine can glimpse into the depths of Erik’s heart and soul, feel his torment and suffering, and is overwhelmed with compassion.

Once again, she is the one to tear down the wall between them. She pushes open the door to Erik’s room and asks him to show his face, sincerely thinking that she can handle it - but it turns out, she really isn’t quite able to when there’s no music between them. But she manages to put on a brave facade and lie to him about being able to look at him without horror. She despises herself for her lies, but then she also does what she must in order to be set free. Erik takes her for walks along the shore of the underground lake, and for carriage rides to the Bois de Boulogne (that’s where they ran into Raoul in Chapter 9). After two weeks, Erik finally trusts her so much that he is willing to set her free (with conditions, of course). It’s really heartbreaking when she mentions how he dared to try to make her look at him even when he wasn’t singing, like a “timid dog”. At this point, he is in her power just as much as she is in his.

When she finally leaves, she is moved more by his tears than by his threats, and his pain is what gets her to come back in the first place: “Those sobs attached me to him more strongly than I thought when I said good-bye to him.” Part of why she is afraid to leave is that she fears it will kill him if she leaves him.

At the end of the chapter, Raoul asks the fateful question that sums up the tragedy of Erik and Christine:

“You’re afraid, but do you love me? If Erik were handsome, would you love me?” “Why tempt fate, Raoul? Why ask about things that I keep hidden at the back of my mind, like sins?”

Christine’s reply along the lines of “Don‘t ask” was cut from the de Mattos translation. It clearly evidences that Christine has conflicted feelings for Erik that go beyond only horror or pity, and that she prefers to suppress them so she doesn't have to deal with them. The statement also shows that if Erik had not been cursed with his face, then things might have looked very different for him and Christine. Attentive readers of de Mattos might nevertheless notice that her next line „If I did not love you, I would not give you my lips“ evades addressing the „what ifs“ Raoul posed, but it still makes her appear less conflicted than she really is. Christine’s heart is a pretty deep ocean of secrets, and at the back of her mind, there seem to be quite a few things that she is unwilling to admit to herself, as Raoul suspected before:

“You obviously love him, and your fear, your terror - all that is still love, of the most exciting kind! The kind you don’t admit to yourself.”

I haven‘t really counted, but this must be like the fifth time that Raoul insists on his suspicion that Christine is in love with Erik, and he just can‘t get a „no“ out of her. That “no” is given very directly though when he asks her if she hates him. She kisses Raoul to prove that she loves him, at the same time telling him that the kiss is just a one-time thing („for the first and last time“). Then “the night is torn apart”, and the last thing they see is a pair of glowing eyes looking down on them from Apollo’s lyre - which are clearly Erik’s, who has overheard the entire conversation…

Image from wikipedia

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#phantom of the opera #leroux phantom #lerouxreadingguide #gaston leroux #erik x christine #erik the phantom #erik in love #christine daae #the phantom of the opera #opera ghost #apollo‘s lyre #leroux #the phantom #raoul de chagny #poto

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toscrollperchancetomeme · 3 years

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Lestat de Lioncourt - A playlist

So, guess who made a Lestat Playlist (like there aren't enough already) and decided to sit down for 4-6 hours to find some excerpt corresponding with each song? Featuring 80s and 90s music (clearly showing my age...) as well as many european songs and showtunes. Enjoy!

1. Cathedrals – Ramin Karimloo (Original by Jump, Little Children)

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome There is a feeling that you should just go home And spend the lifetime finding out just where that is

And that was not a good year for me. I was wandering aimlessly. I was sick of things. I was furious with myself that the „beauty“ of life wasn't sustaining me, wasn't making my loneliness bearable.

I wanted to join them. Always do want to join them and never do. „Go home,“ he whispered. - Prince Lestat

(I actually feel like there are quotes that would correspond to this song in every one of the books and indeed have not yet found any other song that captures the general spirit of The Vampire Chronicles as perfectly.)

2. Edge of Seventeen – Stevie Nicks

Well, I went today Maybe I will go again tomorrow Yeah yeah, well, the music there Well, it was hauntingly familiar Well, I see you doing what I try to do for me With the words from a poet and a voice from a choir And a melody, and nothing else mattered

He sat next to me, hugging me and asking me why I was crying, and though I couldn't tell him, I could see that he was overwhelmed that his music had produced this effect. There was no sarcasm or bitterness in him now. I think he carried me home that night. And the next morning I was standing in the crooked stone street in front of his father's shop, tossing pebbles up at his window. When he stuck his head out, I said: „Do you want to come down and go on with our conversation?“ - The Vampire Lestat

3. I ain't scared of lightning – Tom McRae

No I ain't scared of lightning And thunder never killed I was born in a summer storm and I live there still

I wasn't part of the world that cringed at such things. And with a smile, I realized that I was of that dark ilk that makes others cringe. Slowly and with great pleasure, I laughed.

And the labor that brought it forth was rapture such as I have never known. - The Vampire Lestat

4. Junge Roemer – Falco (Young Romans – Full Translation)

Don't ask for new old values See white light, see only feeling The night is ours till morning We play every game Don't ever let this journey end The doing comes only from the being Only from dimensions, that Are worth illusions and sensations Give me more, give me more, give me more...

... and again she laughed. „Ah, but we are splendid devils, aren't we?“ „Hunters of the Savage Garden,“ I said. „Then let's go into Paris,“ she said. - The Vampire Lestat

5. Running up that hill – Candy Says (Original by Kate Bush

If I only could, I'd make a deal with God, And I'd get him to swap our places, Be running up that road, Be running up that hill, Be running up that building,

„Not even with Nicolas?“ „No, god, no!“ I looked at her. She nodded slightly as if she approved of this answer. „Why not with Nicolas?“ she asked. I wanted this to stop. „Because he's young,“ I said, „and he has life before him.“ - The Vampire Lestat

6. Florence – Notre Dame de Paris (Full Translation)

The little things always triumph over the large And literature will kill architecture The school books will kill the cathedrals The Bible will kill the Church, and man will kill God This will kill that

„I never lived in it. I push against the glass. But how do I get in?“ „I can't tell you that,“ I said. „You have to study this age,“ Gabrielle interrupted. Her voice was calm but commanding. He looked towards her as she spoke. „You have to understand the age,“ she continued, „through its literature and its music and its art. You have come up out of the earth, as you yourself put it. Now live in the world.“ No answer from him. Flash of Nicki's ravaged flat with all its books on the floor. Western civilization in heaps. - The Vampire Lestat

7. Go your own way – Fleetwood Mac

Loving you isn't the right thing to do How can I ever change things that I feel

If I could maybe I'd give you my world How can I when you won't take it from me

You can go your own way You can call it another lonely day

„Keep your promise,“ she said. And quite suddenly I knew this was our last moment. I knew it and I could do nothing to change it. „Gabrielle!“ I whispered. But she was already gone. - The Vampire Lestat

8. Désenchantée – Olympe (Original by Myléne Farmer - Full Translation)

If death is a mystery Life isn't exactly tender If heaven has a hell Then heaven can still wait for me Tell me how to handle this headwind Nothing makes sense anymore, nothing's fine

Laughter. That insane music. That din, that dissonance, that never ending shrill articulation of the meaninglessness... Am I awake? Am I asleep? I am sure of one thing. I am a monster. And because I lie in torment in the earth, certain human beings move on through the narrow pass of life unmolested. - The Vampire Lestat

9. A kind of magic – Queen

The bell that rings inside your mind Is challenging the doors of time It's a kind of magic The waiting seems eternity The day will dawn of sanity

And quite completely I understood that it was looking for me, this sound, it was seeking me out.

Blood like light itself, liquid fire.

It seemed beneath the roar of the flow he spoke. He said again: „Drink, my young one, my wounded one.“ I felt his heart swell, his body undulate, and we were sealed against each other. I think I heard myself say: „Marius.“ And he answered: „Yes.“ - The Vampire Lestat

10. La quête – Bruno Pelletier (French version of „The Impossible Dream“ from Man of La Mancha)

To try when your arms are too weary To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest To follow that star Ooh, no matter how hopeless No matter how far

I would remain in New Orleans if New Orleans could only manage to remain. Whatever I suffered should be lessened in this lawless place, whatever I craved should give me more pleasure once I had it in my grasp. And there were moments on that first night in this fetid little paradise when I prayed that in spite of all my secret power, I was somehow kin to every mortal man. - The Vampire Lestat

11. Wicked Game – Chris Isaak

What a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you

Yet Louis gained a hold over me far more powerful than Nicolas had ever had. Even in his cruelest moments, Louis touched the tenderness in me, seducing me with his staggering dependence, his infatuation with my every gesture and every spoken word. - The Vampire Lestat

12. Do I disappoint you – Rufus Wainwright

Do I disappoint you, in just being human? And not one of the elements that you can light your cigar on Why does it always have to be fire? Why does it always have to be brimstone?

„And suppose the vampire who made you knew nothing, and the vampire before him knew nothing, and so it goes back and back, nothing proceeding from nothing, until there is nothing! And we must live with the knowledge that there is no knowledge!“ „Yes!“ he cried out suddenly, his hands out, his voice tinged with something other than anger.

And then I sensed it. He was afraid. Lestat afraid. - Interview with the Vampire

13. Ordinary World – Duran Duran

What has happened to it all? Crazy, some'd say Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday There's an ordinary world Somehow I have to find And as I try to make my way To the ordinary world I will learn to survive

I do not remember when it became the twentieth century, only that everything was uglier and darker, and the beauty I'd known in the old eighteenth-century days seemed more than ever some kind of fanciful idea. - The Vampire Lestat

14. I'm still standing – Taron Egerton (Original by Elton John)

And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use And did you think this fool could never win? Well look at me, I'm coming back again

But after the third night up, I was roaring around New Orleans on a big black Harley-Davidson motorcycle making plenty of noise myself. […] I was the vampire Lestat again. I was back in action. New Orleans was once again my hunting ground. - The Vampire Lestat

15. Catch my fall – Billy Idol

I have the time so I will sing, yeah I'm just a boy but I will win, yeah Lost song of lovers, fellow travelers, yeah Leave me sad and hollow out of words

It could happen to you so think for yourself If I should stumble, catch my fall, yeah

I've survived, obviously. I wouldn't be talking to you if I hadn't. And the cosmic dust has finally settled; and the small rift in the world's fabric of rational beliefs has been mended, or at least closed. I'm a little sadder for all of it, and a little meaner and a little more conscientious as well. - The Queen of the Damned

16. I want it all – Queen

I'm a man with a one track mind So much to do in one lifetime (people do you hear me) Not a man for compromise and where's and why's and living lies So I'm living it all, yes I'm living it all And I'm giving it all, and I'm giving it all

It is not enough any longer that my little rock band be successful. We must create a fame that will carry my name and my voice to the remotest parts of the world. - The Vampire Lestat

17. Let me entertain you – Robbie Williams

Hell is gone and heaven's here There's nothing left for you to fear Shake your arse come over here Now scream

I'm a burning effigy Of everything I used to be You're my rock of empathy, my dear

So come on let me entertain you

"I AM THE VAMPIRE LESTAT!" I shouted at the top of my lungs as I stepped way back from the microphone, and the sound was almost visible as it arched over the length of the oval theater, and the voice of the crowd rose even higher, louder, as if to devour the ringing sound. - The Vampire Lestat

18. La bien qui fait mal – Mozart l'Opera Rock (Full translation)

I can feel a violent urge I feel like I'm sliding towards the ground If I don't find out where this plague is coming from I adore having it under my skin Bewitched by mad ideas Suddenly all my cravings take off The desire becomes my prison Until I loose my mind

Yet I was in her arms in this chilling darkness, in the familiar scent of winter, and her blood was mine again, and it was enslaving me. When she drew away, I felt agony. - The Queen of the Damned

19. Tainted Love – Soft Cell

And you think love is to pray But I'm sorry I don't pray that way Once I ran to you Now I'll run from you This tainted love you've given I give you all a boy could give you Take my tears and that's not living, oh

„What do you think I am that I am so easily swayed? I was born a Queen. I have always ruled; even from the shrine I ruled." Her eyes were glazed suddenly. I heard the voices, a dull hum rising. "I ruled if only in legend; if only in the minds of those who came to me and paid me tribute. Princes who played music for me; who brought me offerings and prayers. What do you want of me now? That for you, I renounce my throne, my destiny!" What answer could I make? - The Queen of the Damned

20. Dancing in the Dark – Ruth Moody (Original by Bruce Springsteen)

They say you gotta stay hungry Hey baby, I'm just about starvin' tonight I'm dyin' for some action I'm sick of sittin' 'round here tryin' to write this book I need a love reaction Come on now, baby, gimme just one look

"I want you to put the book aside and come join us," he said. "You've been locked in here for over a month." "I go out now and then," I said. I liked looking at him, at the neon blue of his eyes.

"Do you love me now?" I asked. He smiled; oh, it was excruciating to see his face soften and brighten simultaneously when he smiled. "Yes," he said. "Want to go on a little adventure?" My heart was thudding suddenly. It would be so grand if- "Want to break the new rules?" "What in the world do you mean?" he whispered. - The Queen of the Damned

21. I want you – Savage Garden

Oh, I want you, I don't know if I need you But oh, I would die to find out

"You don't think you'll be back?" he asked. "I think you will, whether I call or not." Another little surprise. A little stab of humiliation. I smiled at him in spite of myself. He was a very interesting man. "You silver-tongued British bastard," I said. "How dare you say that to me with such condescension? Maybe I should kill you right now."

I thought of David Talbot's face, and that moment when he'd challenged me. Well, maybe he was right. I'd be back. Who said I couldn't come back and talk to him if I wanted to? - The Queen of the Damned

22. Lay your hands on me – Bon Jovi

I'm a fighter, I'm a poet, I'm a preacher I've been to school, oh baby, I've been the teacher If you show me how to get up off the ground I can show you how to fly and never ever come back down

I sat down on the bed beside him. And then I bent down and kissed his face again gently, as I had in New Orleans, liking the feel of his roughly shaven beard, just as I liked that sort of thing when I was really Lestat and I would soon have that strong masculine blood inside. I moved closer to him, when suddenly he grasped my hand, and I felt him gently push me away. „Why, David?“ I asked him. He didn't answer. He lifted his right hand and brushed my hair back out of my eyes. „I don't know,“ he whispered. „I can't. I simply can't.“ - The Tale of the Body Thief

23. 20th Century Boy – Placebo (Original by T-Rex)

I move like a cat, charge like a ram Sting like a bee, babe, I wanna be your man, hey!

He drew back with a speed that astonished me, cleaving to the wall. „Don't do this, Lestat.“ „Don't fight me, old friend. You waste your effort. You have a long night of discovery ahead.“ - The Tale of the Body Thief

24. Way down we go – KALEO

Oh, Father tell me, do we get what we deserve? Whoa, we get what we deserve And way down we go

„In chains, to my friend and my scribe, I dictated these words. Come with me. Just listen to me. Don't leave me alone.“ - Memnoch the Devil

25. Personal Jesus – Depeche Mode

Reach out, touch faith

"Don't tell me," Gabrielle said slurringly, "that it's a matter of faith." She sneered and shook her head. "You come like doubting Thomas to thrust your bloody fangs in the very wound." "Oh, stop, please, I beg you," I whispered. I put up my hands. "Let me try, and let him hurt me, and then be satisfied, and turn away." - The Vampire Armand

26. Papillon – Editors

Darling Just don't put down your guns yet If there really was a God here He'd have raised a hand by now Now darling You're born, get old, then die here Well that's quite enough for me We'll find our own way home somehow

"And if I spill my blood down into this coffin now," Lestat asked her, "what do you think will come back? Do you think it will be our Louis that will rise in these burnt rags? What if it's not, chérie, what if it's some wounded revenant that we must destroy?" "Choose life, Lestat," she said. - Merrick

27. Sunday Light – Choir Boy

Why, why, why, are you silent on the ride home? I'd love to see the temple with you Heavenly and bright, golden angel twisted scathing You were one of us, one of us, one of us, you were one of us

"Then come, Little Brother, take me to where you want to talk," he said, and I felt the soft squeeze of his fingers on my arm. "Why are you so kind to me?" I asked him. "You're used to people being paid to do it, aren't you?" he asked. - Blackwood Farm

28. Für mich solls rote Rosen regnen – Hildegard Knef (It should rain red roses for me - Full translation)

It should rain red roses for me All wonders should encounter me The world should rearrange itself And keep its worries to itself

I want to be a saint. I want to save souls by the millions. I want to do good far and wide. I want to fight evil! I want my life-sized statue in every church. I'm talking six feet tall, blond hair, blue eyes- Wait a second. Do you know who I am? - Blood Canticle

29. Constant Craving – K. D. Lang

Even through the darkest phase Be it thick or thin Always someone marches brave Here beneath my skin And constant craving Has always been

I was hunting, thirsting though I didn't need to drink, at the mercy of the craving, the deep agonizing lust for heated pumping human blood. - Prince Lestat

30. Kalte Sterne – Jan Ammann (Cold Stars from the musical Ludwig² - Full translation)

Get up, ride home, on your horse, through your land Across the morning with your reins trailing behind you Build a castle like a dream, build it with mighty hands And it shall be named „future“

Build a castle like a dream Up from the ashes and close to the heavens Build a castle like a dream And realise the future as king

If we wanted to survive, if we wanted to inherit the millenia […] then we had to meet the future with respect as well as courage and count fear and selfishness to be small things. - Prince Lestat and the realms of Atlantis

31. C'est une belle journée – Mylene Farmer (Full translation)

I'm going to bed To bite eternity With my mouth wide open It's a beautiful day

And I felt the cold numbing shell of alienation and despair which had imprisoned me all of my life among the Undead – I felt that shell cracked, broken, and dissolved utterly into infinitesimal fragments. - Blood Communion

32. Princes of the Universe – Queen

Fly the moon and reach for the stars With my sword and head held high Got to pass the test first time, yeah I know that people talk about me, I hear it every day But I can prove them wrong 'cause I'm right first time

„I know that you meant full well to bring Rhoshamandes down, of course you did. But you had no way of knowing that you could. And no one would have predicted that you could. And with the willingness to die, you gave yourself over into his hands... and you disarmed him and destroyed him.“ – Blood Communion

And finally, because I can, a bonus track:

33. Primadonna – MARINA

And I'm sad to the core, core, core Every day is a chore, chore, chore When you give, I want more, more, more I wanna be adored

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justalarryblog · 3 years

Text

📄 Hometown by @allwaswell16 (2k) | Not Rated

On the day Harry gets his driver’s licence, he drives through the suburbs, heartbroken that he can’t drive home to Louis.

📄 Overkill by @fivesecondsofmae (4k) | Explicit

Louis was never going to get over how fucking attractive Harry was. How glorious his big, tall, curvy body was. The feeling of Harry behind him, hot and heavy, trapped on the tube after they’d been somewhere during rush hour. His thick hands, full of pretty rings sometimes, handing Louis a cup of coffee, then getting one for himself.

Or Louis and Chubby!Harry are as close as best mates can be and clearly are in love. Time to take it to the next level.

Top!Harry smut and fluff.

📄 New Places, New Possibilities by orphan_account (12k) | Explicit

Harry has always longed for Louis from afar, never sure exactly what Louis wanted, or if they could even have what they wanted. Even though Louis would sneak into Harry’s bed every chance he could, they’d never gone further than cuddles and innocent kisses. But when the boys are finally away from home on their first visit to LA, things finally begin to change.

📄 In All Its Imperfections by @BriaMaria (15k) | Explicit

From: Louis Tomlinson

To: Undisclosed Recipients

Hello!

I’ve asked the front desk and you lovely folks are the ones who are on the same level as me in the car park. I found a to-do list today that looked somewhat important because it has lines of poetry scribbled at the bottom that seemed like they might be for a card project. The stationary has a moose in a canoe at the top of it (and he is quite adorable). Let me know if it’s yours!

Cheers!

“Oh. My. Fucking. God,” Harry whispered, his eyes darting over the sentences again willing them not to make sense. They did, they did make sense. “Oh. My. Bloody. Fucking. God.”

The next thing he knew he was on the floor, staring at the ceiling, with a very concerned Liam hovering over his head.

“What happened, mate?” Liam asked.

Harry just pointed to his computer.

Liam bent over Harry’s desk to read the email. “What? This isn’t bad. Is that your to-do list? Did you finally come up with the inside text for those cards?”

“Leeyum" he groaned. “It’s what’s on the list.”

“Oh,” Liam paused for a beat. “Is it dirty stuff?”

Harry nodded.

There was more silence. And then, “Dirty stuff with Louis?”

📄 If We Have Each Other by @pocketsunshineharry / ishiplouis (23k) | Mature

“When are you going to accept my offer to go out again? It’s been seven years and you’re still saying no to a fun night?” Niall complains.

“A night in with Mads is a fun night for me Ni, I already told you that.” Harry responds while serving a customer.

“You’re infuriating, I just want my best friend to go out with me tonight, is it too much to ask?” Niall pouts but all Harry does is chuckle and prepare the coffee machine for the double espresso the customer ordered.

“Playing the victim, are we now?” Harry is so used to Niall’s techniques. “Well, I have good news for you, Maddie is having a sleepover at one of her friends so tonight so I’m all yours.”

OR AU where Harry is a single father and a one-night stand is going to change his life forever.

📄 In Dreams by @dolce_piccante (23k) | Mature

AU. When Harry moves to a new city, his new flat come with a number of sweet, anonymous gifts and surprises that brighten his days. Could it be a friendly ghost? Another friendly presence in his new building is his tattooed neighbor, Louis, who seems determined to put a smile back on his face.

📄 Love Is on The Radio by @whatevertearsyou / perfectdagger (sincerelyste), @star_k (35k) | Explicit

“So Louis, who’s the lucky person that will not only get to see Arsenal and Manchester United facing each other, but will also possibly become your girlfriend… or boyfriend? I mean, that’s a good catch, to ask someone out like this on the radio. It will be hard to say no after this.”

“It’s, hm, his name is…” Oh boy, Harry was about to pass out, he couldn’t bear to hear what Louis would say. Susie was looking at him, worried eyes watching him from the till as she noticed that Harry had simply abandoned his cupcake duties. “Harry. Harry Styles.”

To win a pair of tickets to watch Manchester United playing, Louis may have possibly lied to Nick Grimshaw on the BBC Radio 1 Breakfast Show, asking Harry, his best friend, to be his boyfriend. Problem is - Harry has always been in love with Louis and so, this Valentine’s he’s gonna see his dreams come true, with a tiny bit of a twist, in order to watch the football team they have loved together since they were kids.

📄 That’s What I’m Here For by @taggiecb (46k) | Explicit

Louis Tomlinson is a dairy farmer on a tiny farm in eastern Canada. His wife of nearly thirty years has left him and his children are all grown up and out of the house. Louis needs help running his business but has no idea where to even start looking. Luckily for him his children know just the man for the job.

Part 1 of Grace, Too

📄 Pinkies Never Lie by @alltheselights (83k) | Explicit

“I just think if we’re both into it and neither of us is looking for something serious, why not?” Harry asks, eyes soft and voice sweet. He pauses and gives Louis a moment or two to answer.

There are countless reasons why Louis shouldn’t agree to this, but in the end, none of them really matter. This will end with Louis in pieces, but he’s been in love with Harry for four years. There was only ever one answer.

“Yeah,” Louis answers finally, hoping his voice sounds normal. “Why not?”

AU in which Louis hates his job and loves Harry, Harry just wants a distraction, everyone else wants them to get their shit together, and Louis learns the hard way that new beginnings are only possible when something ends.

Part 1 of Pinkies Never Lie

📄 Dress you up in my love by @LucyStarkid (103k) | Explicit

Harry is single, and more than anything wants to find love. Agreeing to sign up to a dating website was a bad, bad idea. Niall’s bad, bad idea. Louis is single, but has no interest in relationships. Or so he tells himself. ??Harry is a lawyer, his boss, Nick, happens to give him a bonus, which he decides to splurge on a new work wardrobe. Louis is a frustrated designer, working as a personal shopper at Selfridges. Louis happens to be working on the day a very beautiful, but out of his depth, new customer ambles into their department in need of advice. Louis might have just found the muse he never knew he was looking for.

Featuring: Sophia as Louis’ colleague, with a somewhat unhealthy obsession with his love life, whilst being oblivious when it comes to her own. Liam as the ‘IT bloke from downstairs’ with the mother of all crushes on Sophia. Niall as Harry’s sport’s writer flatmate who spends most of his time making Harry’s life as complicated as possible. Zayn as Louis’ flatmate and lifelong best friend, whose cat, Noodle/Princess/Princess Noodle loves Louis more than it loves him. And Nick as Harry’s boss and one of Louis’ regular customers: is Imelda Marcos reborn.

📄 amaryllis by @hattalove (146k) | Explicit

“Where are we?”

“Um. A little while out of London?” Niall tries, seemingly the only one willing to not be mysterious and provide Harry with information, and. Oh.

“London London? As in, the capital of England London?” he asks, just in case he’d misheard.

“No, the other London,” Louis laughs, low and biting. He comes closer finally, the moonlight just enough to reveal a sharp-cut jaw and pale skin. “Sorry, Pup.”

Nobody’s ever called Harry a “pup”. Frankly, he finds it quite insulting, but he lets it slide to try and comprehend his current crisis.

or the one where harry gets bitten by a werewolf. louis is the mysterious not-quite alpha, liam and zayn have Things going on, niall is their token human, and together, they watch a lot of TV.

📄 This Multiplicity of Powers by @helloamhere (149k) | Explicit

Maybe in another universe he isn’t different. Maybe he hadn’t been given an impossible choice. Maybe he wouldn’t have lost everything and broken everything and then fallen impossibly, irrevocably in love with the first next thing that was kind. Maybe in that universe he doesn’t feel like he’s never breathing, always pretending, teaching the kids even though they all have to learn alone, trying hard not to read the headlines, and so afraid, every day, that he won’t be a good enough teammate to the superhero he can’t live without. He knows that love isn’t supposed to feel this way, slid secret under your skin like a surgical razor, an invisible war held close over the tender vein that keeps you alive. On the other hand, Louis wonders, had he ever known how to do it any other way?

Maybe there’s a universe where he doesn’t have to keep all his secrets on the inside.

But this isn’t that universe.

//an X-Men AU.

📄 Have Faith In Me by @stylinsoncity (183k) | Mature

As the son of Anne Styles, millionaire owner of one of the world’s most luxurious fashion labels, Harry has spent his last seventeen years living in carefree extravagance. And now he’s grown tired of it, along with the pressure from his mum to follow in her footsteps and the constant care given to him by her past assistants.

When his mum’s newest assistant, Louis, moves into the guesthouse, Harry determines to be treated differently. To be treated like an adult. Except Louis is not at all what Harry was expecting…

This is a story about growing up, growing in love and having the faith to make it last.

📄 Built Memories by @fresharold (211k) | Mature

“It was a comet.

The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning.

And when it went away, he waited his entire life for it to come back to him. It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning.

There are many who couldn’t understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again… And his belief in God and love and art would be re-awakened in his heart.

The boy saw the comet and suddenly his life had meaning.”

» where louis and harry after long years start over again. they’re strangers again and introduce themselves, they relearn what they already know and what they don’t know, come with new inside jokes, create new memories and give each other a second chance.

📄 Relief Next To Me by @dolce_piccante (333k) | Mature

AU. What happens when a baker and a graphic designer meet via a very specific Craigslist post? Fate, friendship, food, and maybe more.

✨You can also check my fic tags for more fics! ✨

44 notes · View notes

alarriefantasy · 4 years

Photo

Childhood Friends

Come As You Are by AFangirlFantasy

Words: 12k

Highschool Reunion AU where Harry is Niall's flatmate, Zayn and Liam are married, and Louis is just trying to find his way back home.

i love you most by stylinsoncity

Words: 12k

friends with benefits has always been enough for louis. until, of course, it isn't.

Love is like this; not a heartbeat, but a moan by angelichl

Words: 13k

In which Harry loves Louis, but Louis has been cold to him ever since he presented as an omega at age fifteen.

Eight years later, Louis approaches Harry with a request, and who is Harry to deny him?

What do you mean he's coming? by MediaWhore

Words: 15k

When Harry accepted to be his sister’s Maid of Honour, despite how non-traditional of a choice he was, he didn’t think writing a speech for the wedding reception would be this hard. Now, not only does he have less than two weeks left to find something moving and inspirational to say, but Gemma just confided in him that her old childhood best friend is going to be in attendance. The one who moved to LA and they haven’t seen in fifteen years because he was too busy becoming an Academy Awards winner. But hey, no pressure. It’s just Louis Fucking Tomlinson.

Harry is screwed.

everything comes back to you by amory

Words: 29k

Louis and Harry, best friends since before either of them can remember, broke up four years ago. Louis has achieved his dreams of becoming the next big thing while Harry has stayed back, dedicating himself to his studies. Both are content to forget what they had together, until a tragedy brings them right back into each other's lives.

He's been my Queen since we were 16 by larriebane

Words: 30k

Louis Tomlinson had been best friends with his neighbor’s son, Harry, as long as he could remember. The 16-year-old was small for his age and got bullied for being a weak alpha but Louis was there to help him. However, when the omega graduated from college and left for a university in London, he lost all contact with the Curly One. Five years later Louis finds himself back home, stalking a leggy hottie who looks like something from his wet dreams.

I Sail With You by AFangirlFantasy

Words: 35k

Against his wishes, Omega Prince Harry Styles is arranged to mate with someone he doesn’t love, much less knows. Though he pleaded to his parents incessantly, they not only refuse to comply but force him to depart on a ship days later. Harry prays for fate to step in, to change what’s to come, however, the answer he is given is not exactly in the form he had hoped.

Enter Will Tommo – deadliest pirate captain of all seven seas.

Runner on Third by kikikryslee

Words: 39k

Or, the AU where Louis and Harry were best friends growing up, but lost touch after Harry moved away. Ten years later, Harry has moved back to town, but he and Louis don't pick up where they left off.

Something in the way by momentofclarity

Words: 40k

Hope Floats 90’s AU. When Louis Tomlinson finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, he packs up his life and takes his daughter back to his childhood hometown to start anew. The problem is—he’s not so sure he’s moving forwards rather than backwards. What he finds in the small Texas town is a whole lot of memories, people who think they still know him and a man who’s spent the past decade waiting for his return.

Canyon Moon by delsicle

Words: 40k

For as long as Louis has remembered, he has been promised to be mated to Harry, his best friend and the future pack alpha. But Louis’s heart belonged to the forest and to the hunt more than he could ever imagine it belonging to Harry.

Then Harry’s father dies in a violent accident, and Louis’s future alpha disappears on the wind.

An A/B/O Lion King AU

Faking It by TheCellarDoor

Words: 46k

A uni AU in which Louis has been Harry’s best friend since he offered him cubed fruit on the playground, and they spend more time cuddling in their dorm beds than they do apart, but it’s not like that. Or is it?

Never Let Me Go by loveisalaserquest17

Words: 55k

Harry and Louis have been friends forever, but they couldn't be more different. One night, with a little too much alcohol, they make a pact to marry in ten years if they're both still single.

Now, one month before the deadline, Louis is willing to do whatever it takes to avoid ending up with his best friend. But is he, really? | Loosely inspired by The 10 Year Plan

like cabbages and kings by you_explode

Words: 60k

When Louis was a kid, he had a series of very vivid dreams about a place called Wonderland. There were rabbits wearing waistcoats and talking cats and ridiculous tea parties, and amidst all the absurdity, there was a boy. A boy with dimples, big green eyes and the sweetest soul Louis has ever known. Louis has always kept a place in his heart for that boy and for his funny dreamworld, and when he’s twenty-five and his life falls apart, it turns out Wonderland might not be so imaginary after all.

Your Name Is Tattooed On My Heart by mcpofife

Words: 86k

Louis is ready to find the love of his life, but first he has to stop falling for the punk rocker next door.

fearless by suspendrs

Words: 97k

Or, Harry left home without a word after high school, and a lot can change in ten years.

Heading for Limbo by kingsofeverything

Words: 100k

Childhood best friends who’ve fallen in and out of touch with each other since Louis’ family moved away when they were thirteen, Harry and Louis find their paths crossing again and again. Each time, no matter how many miles apart or how many years it’s been, it’s as if no time has passed. They fall back into their easy friendship, until life intervenes and sends them on their separate ways once more.

When Harry discovers some life-changing things about himself, Louis is there for him, however he needs. But it’s all temporary because Louis has plans that will move his life from New York all the way to L.A. and the distance isn’t the only thing between them.

The pieces of their twice broken hearts are scattered from the Atlantic to the Pacific.

You Drive Me Crazy (but it feels alright) by MrsStylinson

Words: 102k

Bridget Jones' Diary AU.

“Harry is not short for Harold,” he corrects, his voice as thick as molasses. He lowers his eyes to Louis’ sequined lapels, rubbing one between two fingers. “Is this small or extra small? It looks lovely.”

Louis breaks away from his grip with a petulant huff and pushes him back with two fingers.

“You’re mocking me. Again.”

Harry smiles and it's a real honest swoop of his lips this time. Louis’ stomach swoops with them.

Love Will Tear Us Apart by lovelarry10

Words: 103k

Louis and Harry had it all - a career, friendship, and some of the best sex either of them had ever had.

But Harry ruins it all with one life-changing mistake ... and Louis is left to pay the price.

Own the Scars by crinkle-eyed-boo (KimmieRocks)

Words: 144k

Louis has never felt like he was good enough: for his stepdad, for his life-long best friend, for the life he's supposed to want. After an accident that nearly costs him his life, Louis' parents send him to rehab where he’s forced to face his demons. On the long and difficult road to recovery, Louis must confront the truths he’s been avoiding about his future, his relationships, and his sense of self-worth. Because before he can love anyone else, he’s got to learn how to love himself first.

Now In A Minute by thealmightyavocado

Words: 150k

13 feels like yesterday for many people, but for Louis it actually was.

More than anything in the world, Louis Tomlinson dreams of growing up. Simply skipping over all of the awkward, embarrassing years of teenage existence and getting on with life. Real life.

So when thirteen-year-old Louis wakes up in the body of his thirty-year-old self, he expected everything in his adult life to be picture perfect. And maybe it is. He has it all…or so it seems.

Except his favorite person and lifelong best mate, Harry Styles, is totally missing from the equation and Louis doesn’t understand why. He has a lot of catching up to do and as adult life turns out to be more than what he bargained for, Louis can’t help wondering why a life that seemed so perfect, feels so empty.

Or the 13 going on 30 au that should have been done years ago.

♡ credit to the owner of the manip

♡ past themed recs here

#fic rec #larry fics #larry themed rec #childhood friends #larry stylinson #larry fic rec

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jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels · 5 years

Text

Don’t you hear my call though you’re many years away - Chapter 5

A/N: Get ready to spend some time with John! This is all types up on my phone, please forgive any grammatical or punctuation errors. No clue or the word count.

Warnings: minor angst, mentions of drinking, slow burn.

I was amazed I slept at all that night, but I did, and I slept well. I woke around 8 the next morning. Smiling. I popped out of bed to start getting ready for my morning with John, and the afternoon with the band. Excitement was better than caffeine any day.

I took my time getting ready, I even curled my hair at the ends, but still parting it down the center, as that seemed to be the style.

I was applying my perfume when there was a soft knock at the door. It was a little before 10, I knew it was John, but I couldn’t seem too eager.

I pressed my ear to the door and asked “who is it?”

I heard a chuckle and he replied “it’s John Deacon.”

When I opened the door, he was beaming at me, his eyes crinkling.

“Hi” I sighed at the sight of him, still shocked that John Deacon was at my door, “good morning.”

“Good morning, sorry I’m early” he said as he shoved his hands in his back pockets.

“That’s alright, I’m almost ready. Come in”, I said taking a step back.

As he passed the threshold into the room and closer to me, I put my hand on his chest, stopping him. He looked me in the eye, with a soft smile painted on his face. I leaned in, and he met me half way. The kiss was sweet and gentle, much like his hand on my cheek.

I pulled back slightly and said “now it’s a great morning.”

His smile grew as I moved my hand from his chest and he made his way into the room.

I shut the door and as I turn around I was stopped in my tracks when I found him sitting on the foot of the unmade bed, leaning back on his hands. Heat scorched through my body, aching to be pressed against him. I could tell John was having similar thoughts as he raked his eyes over me and bit his lower lip.

I let out a shaky breath as I made my way across the room and past him to a window where I’d placed my earrings on the sill. I was trembling slightly as I leaned over picked them up.

“So what’s the plan for this morning?” I asked turning around, catching him checking me out from behind. I guess there was something to these short shorts.

His cheeks turned red, as he stumbled over his words, “oh, uh...well, um whatever you wanted.”

“I was thinking maybe you could show me around the area today, so I can get familiar with it, then possibly over the course of the month I’m here, maybe you could show me other places? Buckingham, Trafalgar, ya know, the major points of interest...” I suggested. Maybe I was pushing things.

“Sure” he said “I aim to please.”

I looked up at him from putting my shoes on.

“Is that right?” I asked. He nodded, keeping a wicked smile plastered on his face.

I sauntered towards him, his eyes following my every move. Once I was in front of him, I leaned down and put a hand on each of his legs, giving them a gentle squeeze as I moved my lips to his, keeping just a breath apart. He tried to kiss me, but I moved back, earning me a raised brow from him. I hovered my lips over his again as I whispered, “I think I’m going to enjoy having you as my guide.” I brushed a kissed against the side of his mouth, stood up and turned on my heels.

Once I was at the door, I looked back at him over my shoulder to find him rubbing his palms up and down this thighs.

“Ready?” I asked cheerfully.

“Uh...yeah, sure” he said as he stood up.

I held my hand out as he walked up to me, he took it without hesitation.

Our morning started out with a stop at a small bakery he suggested because of their chocolate croissants, and was he right. They were delicious, I’d have to be careful, I could eat them every morning.

We stayed in the area, John telling me some history he knew, places that had been rebuilt after the war, and others still showing the scars of bombings on their facade. I could listen to him talk all day. He could read me the ingredients list off a box of cereal and I’d be enthralled.

He showed me his favorite record store, where we browsed around a bit, and he asked me about my record collection. I panicked seeing as I didn’t even have a CD collection any more, but luckily I grew up with parents who loved their records, I was able to list a few of my favorites off the top of my head,

“I like Ray Charles, The Beatles, The Temptations, The Beach Boys. I tend to listen to a little of everything I guess.”

He told me about bands he liked, and records he was looking forward to buying. His taste leaned towards Motown but he said the Beatles were one of his favorite bands, and mentioned that he really enjoyed Elton John’s “Your Song”.

Scanning the records, I found a 45 of “La Vie En Rose” by Louis Armstrong. I picked it up and showed John.

“I love this song! I have it as my...” I caught myself, I was about to say ringtone but that wouldn’t make any sense to him.

John looked at me, his brow peaked, questioningly.

“You have it as what?” He asked.

“I’m not sure what I was trying to say,” I laughed nervously “I just meant it’s one of my all time favorite songs.”

He’s caught my slip up, but didn’t seem too concerned with it as he spoke.

“Not sure I know that song, but I do know Louis Armstrong.” He said.

“La Vie En Rose” I said “it was in one of my favorite movies, ‘Sabrina’.”

“Not familiar with that one” he replied with a small shake of his head.

“You’ll have to watch it some day,” I said, and held up the 45 “and you’ll have to listen to this!”

“Promise” he said with a sweet smile.

As we left the record store he talked to me about school, and explained what he was studying. Most of which went over my head. He also told me he would be sitting some tests in the near future.

“I know you’ll do well” I said.

“You think so?” He asked.

“Of course. I just know it.” I said encouragingly.

Eventually we made our way back to Kensington Market, and walked all 3 floors. He even showed me where Roger and Freddie had a stall, even though they weren’t there that day. I could see why it was such a popular place, but he said he tended to avoid it because it was always so crowded.

As we left the market he asked if I was hungry.

“I could eat” I replied.

We walked to a small shop, where we bought a couple of sandwiches and sodas, since John suggested we have a picnic in a near by park. The same park I traveled to. The one I’d be traveling from. I made sure we were no where near that area as we sat in the soft grass. I had an irrational fear that I’d be sent back before getting to know him better.

“Tell me about your family” he said, as we sat in the shade.

“Well, I’m the youngest. My older brother, he’s 10 years older than me, he manages a book store, he’s not married, but I’d love for his current girlfriend to become my sister in law. My Dad works for a telephone company, he’s made his way to management over the years, and my mom is a housewife.” I replied, keeping with the story my friends and I had developed. My brother actually managed an electronics store, and my mom was a compliance officer at a bank.

I continued, this time with the truth, “I have a large extended family. There’s so many of use that family gatherings look more like block parties. But we’re all very close despite the sheer number of us.”

“What about school, what do you want to teach?” He asked, picking at a few blades grass.

“I hope to teach art, I love art.” Not a complete lie, I did love art, which is why I was majoring in digital art, my Dad and his mother both did their share of painting, where I leaned more toward photography and graphic design.

“Maybe we could visit a few of the museums while you’re here then” he suggested.

“I’d love that” I replied sincerely.

“What happens if your family should run into your ex, while you’re here I mean?” He asked, out of left field.

“Oh, well they won’t. He doesn’t live in my hometown, we met in college, so it’s unlikely they’ll see him. But if they did, what could they do? I’m already here.” I said with a laugh.

He seemed satisfied with that answer when I asked him to tell me about his family. Not thinking it might be a sensitive subject until he cast his eyes down.

He told me about his parents and sister, and how he lost his father at a young age. He shared his favorite memories of him with me. As he spoke I took his hand in mine. I could see why people labeled him as fragile in the future. But he wasn’t. He was sensitive, but that didn’t make him weak, he just felt everything deeply. The loss of his father affected him tremendously. As would Freddie’s. At that moment I didn’t give a passing thought to what my leaving would mean, but I didn’t know yet where our relationship was heading.

“Hey” I said softly, changing the subject “do you think we could make a stop so I could buy some beer? Just as my way of saying thank you again to you and your friends?”

“Sure, we can stop at the off license on the way to the flat.” He replied.

“The what? And what flat? I thought you had practice tonight.” I said.

He laughed. We’d been playing this ‘game’ all day. I didn’t know a biscuit was a cookie, or that bin was trash can, now I didn’t now what an off license was.

“An off license” he said, smiling as his eyes crinkling “is where you buy beer, wine and such outside a pub.”

“Oh you mean a liquor store?” I asked.

“If that’s what Americans call them, then yes.” He laughed and continued “and a flat is an apartment.”

“I knew that one!” I defended myself, playfully pushing him.

He took that moment to lean over and kiss me, and catching me off guard, we toppled over in the grass. I started laughing instantly while John looked embarrassed for a moment but joined in my laughter.

“You have a beautiful smile” he said.

“Yours isn’t so bad either” I replied coyly.

He leaned down, meeting my lips with his to finish the kiss we had fumbled. He lowered his body so it pressed against mine, causing me to moan into his mouth.

He broke the kiss far too quickly, making me whimper.

“As much as I’d like to continue this,” he said in a husky voice “I’d rather not be arrested for being ‘indecent’ in a public park.”

I doubt we looked indecent, we probably looked more like a tangled heap of arms, legs and hair, as mine was splayed behind my head, and his curtained our faces.

I huffed and said “damn rules and laws.”

He pushed himself off me, stood and offered me his hand.

As we walked to his shared flat from the off license, he suggested I was trying to bribe his friends since I had bought beer, wine and whiskey. He may not have been wrong.

“How do manage to practice here with out your neighbors complaining?” I asked as we approached the stairs.

“They’re mostly our age, so they don’t complain much. But we’re not plugging in tonight. And fair warning, be prepared for bickering.” He said as he opened the door.

I couldn’t wait.

@queensdivas @liliah39 @leah-halliwell92 @painkiller80 @painandpleasure86 @deakys-chesthair @yourlocalmusicalprostitute @heybuddy-drabbles @queenwouldyourathers @mirkwoodshewolf @anincurablefangirl @ixchel-9275 @deakysmisfire @thosequeenboys @tryin-her-best @bornonaugust191951 @deacyspatronusisacheesetoastie

#john deacon x reader #john deacon x y/n #fan fic #my fics #time travel #queen #freddie mercury #roger taylor #brian may #mary austin #1971 #john deacon #dont you hear my call

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vladfromparis-blog · 6 years

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NEW French interview in TELERAMA ! Very interesting ! Some new things ! Translation : Timothée Chalamet: "I want to be an actor, not a celebrity"

He arrives, smaller and frail than his indubitable charisma on the screen suggests, with a look of a great teen, more than a young adult. That day, the young Timothée Chalamet wears a black Mickey patterned shirt, black jeans held up by suspenders, and big heavy military shoes. "I want to be an actor, not a celebrity," he says, both firm and a little embarrassed, when it is announced that we will submit our questionnaire shaped for the actors. He is, however, 23 years old, already a "people", with his three million followers on Instagram, his romance with Lily-Rose Depp followed by paparazzi in the streets of Los Angeles, and his appointment to the Oscar for best actor in 2018 for Call me by your name. It is with this film of Luca Guadagnino that his pretty face has marked the spirits, in the role of the young Elio, energetic brilliant boy from a rich and cultured family, who spends his summers reading and composing in the sublime family home lombardienne. He fell madly in love with an American student who came to help his father in his research, and upset the audience in a final scene: a fixed shot of several minutes on his eyes misted against a fire. So much so that his call to François Ozon on the set of TF1, so that he makes it play in one of his films, was heard by the French director.

- Dark haired, green eyes, submachine gun, he speaks fluent French (French father, American mother, raised in New York), but prefers that day lead the interview in English. On the big screen of Felix Van Groeningen's new film, My beautiful boy, he shows great affection for his character, a young boy still brilliant, athletic, raised by a loving father (Steve Carell), but addicted to methamphetamine. "I like the light Nic releases. This film shows that addiction has no face, that it favors no gender, no social environment, that it affects everyone, whereas Nic is a luminous human being, with a wonderful sense of humor. Last tribute to this character, before talking about his beginnings in the profession and his studies at the famous New York high school LaGuardia, which welcomes young people with a high artistic sense

- What is the movie you most viewed child? This must be played between La Grande Mop and Le Ballon d'Or. These were the two films I watched in a loop at my grandmother's house in Chambon-sur-Lignon (Haute-Loire), where I spent my summers. I remember very well the jacket of the Ballon d'Or, with the drawing of the little boy who had the ball on his head. I saw them dozens and dozens of times. In which actor or actress would you like to be reincarnated? I love actors like Louis de Funès or Gene Wilder, who played Willy Wonka in the 1971 version of Charlie and the chocolate factory. They were actors long before the naturalistic acting, before Marlon Brando changed everything. Their talent engulfed the whole screen. Jim Carrey is that vein. I would especially love to be reincarnated in a specific era: that of the beginnings of cinema. I just played a video game called L.A. Noire, and it's crazy, because you end up driving in the Los Angeles 1940s. They did an incredible job of design. For me, Los Angeles is a very charming and exotic city because, as a New Yorker, I grew up in a city where everything is old, where every square meter is a precious asset. At LA, things are new, a bit like the "Wild West", in a way! When I look at pre-premiere photos from the 1920s to the 1950s, I can not help thinking that it must have been totally crazy to work in the movies at a time when everything was new. It is also amazing to see today that directors such as Barry Jenkins, Xavier Dolan, Greta Gerwig or Gaspar Noé manage to make such innovative films while so much has already been done!

-Which partner has made you progress the most? My high school gaming partners. And above all, my friend, actress Bernadette Schweda. When I was first, we had to present two scenes, with two different partners. But we played so well she and I that we decided to do both together. With this partner, we sometimes got bad sometimes. We learn a lot by being bad in front of someone. Is there a moment, a scene, where you remember being bad? In first year at school, I had to play in the play After Ashley, written by Gina Gionfriddo. Before entering this school, I may have only played in one or two commercials. I felt suspicion for the theater: the idea of being in the limelight and revealing myself to an audience seemed impossible to me. I think I spent my first year trying to marry my vision of the game with the experience of real life. I could not get rid of the idea that we could not be authentic on stage. And then I saw a lot of performances at the theater, including those of Philip Seymour Hoffman in Death of a salesman, or Denzel Washington in Fences. Seeing these incredible movie actors in theater has profoundly changed my view of things.

-Your first stamp? It was for an ad for a Disney park for the French-speaking public. I had to say, "That's great, dad! With the Quebec accent, I trained with a coach! The time you almost dropped everything? I especially adapted my expectations. At the age of 19, I played in a play I had loved doing, but did not meet the audience I was hoping for. The spectators who came to see her were older than me. I then wondered if playing in plays, movies, all those things that fascinated me, was something absurd. I thought that I would never have a mainstream career. But last year proved to me the opposite. There was a real popular craze for Call me by your name, Hostiles or Lady Bird, independent films where each shot was directed by the directors themselves, and not by the big studio producers. So it was something possible! I felt grateful.

* Is there anything you always do before shooting a scene? Yes and no. My routine is not to have any. At LaGuardia High School, we received prestigious guests, like Al Pacino. One day, Edie Falco, who played in Nurse Jackie or The Sopranos, came to talk to us. When she was asked for her "thing," she replied, "I do not know, I do it, that's all. It made sense to me: my way of being ready is to know what I should do when I hear "Action! ". I think that if you take your job too seriously, or if you are convinced that you have to work in pain, it may disconnect you from the story, or from your character. One of the most beautiful things about playing is becoming vulnerable, while at the same time our body is our instrument.

-The day you told your parents that you wanted to be an actor? I was playing in a room called The Talls, in New York, in the company Second Stage. That's where I think I fell in love with the game. I was in a theater school before, but this was a real job, which I loved doing. I went to see an agent without my parents, I was 15 years old, telling him that even if I was still in school, I wanted to do this job right away. But it was when I left Columbia University that they realized that I took it all seriously and that I really wanted to do that with my life !

Source : https://www.telerama.fr/cinema/timothee-chalamet-je-veux-etre-un-acteur,-pas-une-celebrite,n6120832.php

#timothée chalamet #timothee chalamet #beautiful boy movie #telerama #cmbyn movie #the french dispatch movie

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redgrve · 5 years

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⌠ FROY GUTIERREZ, 21, CISMALE, HE/HIM ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, LOUIS REDGRAVE! according to their records, they’re a FOURTH year, specializing in ADVANCED ENCRYPTION & RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of (cleanly pressed cotton shirts, a collection of colorful flash drives, nervous laughter behind a friendly smile). when it’s the pisces’ birthday on 2/12/98, they always request their RAMEN from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ kati, 23, she/her, est ⍀

hi, welcome my second child to the world i dropped another rp so i’d have more time for this one and could play louis so...just know that i rly love you all ! i wrote a shitty bio that i rly hate so i won’t link it but i’m sure if you dug around his page you could find it. anyways, here i am with another chaotic bisexual. hmu here or on discord (kati#7600) to plot. deets under the cut.

background.

his mom had some health issues that they believed would keep her from having kids, steel magnolias style, but she did wind up having him & surviving :) but he was born with a handful of health problems, diabetes, celiac, and some sensory issues (relating to temperature, they don’t really affect his life except he needs to actively check the weather bc he doesn’t really feel the temperature out, especially cold)

grew up w his mom in pochatoula, la – he believed his dad was in the military overseas, that was what his mom said to him and everyone !

his mother dies during a natural disaster when he’s eight and everyone thinks that oh, they’ll deploy his dad and everything’ll be fine, he’ll be taken care of?? but no record of his dad exists, no one can find him. he’s a mystery for all intents and purposes.

so, he’s shuffled into the foster care system and lives with a lot of families, some good, some bad. prospects of adoption aren’t good for a sickly eight year old, so he’s in the system until he’s 18.

dives into learning, reading, other things that make him feel less alone. he creates his own homes without people within stories, reads a lot of books! essentially he’s really smart and a fast learner, loves logic games and puzzles, really good at math.

on the cusp of graduating high school, his dad returns. an expected plot twist here is that his dad was a spy, spent a long time under cover and doing reconnaissance, was so hurt by his mom’s death that he buried himself in his work. he was unable to contact louis, but he comes back trying to reconnect and make up for lost time. it’s a weird feeling, because it’s what he’s always wanted, but his dad is like a stranger, not a father.

his dad’s recommendation gets him into the elusive and highly sought after blackthorne. cue up more trauma because we all know that school is a fucking shitshow. louis really doesn’t fit in there even though he tries twice as hard as everyone else, really trying to impress his dad and fit in, but he doesn’t have the instinct or the inclination. it makes more sense for him to be on the sidelines than on the field with his waxing and waning health, and honestly, he was probably only there because of his dad’s prestige. when a man spends years as a POW...you let his son go to the damn school. louis probably didn’t have many friends, didn’t have a lot of people that took him seriously.

loves gallagher!! finally he can pursue the aspects of spying that he’s really passionate about, fascinated by, and interested in. he’s really hurt by the hostility of some of the girls because he likes the school and is excited to be here :)

personality.

really excited, passionate puppy. loves learning new things. huge nerd!

he’s a bit goofy, loves cheesy jokes and is known to ramble a lot.

interested in logic puzzles, chess, reading, comic books, etc. not at all interested in the outdoors, loud noises, fighting, literally anything scary

is easily scared by things, has a handful of phobias. sleeps with a night light :)

because he’s often sick, he’s really conscious of germs and cleanliness (the irony). he likes things in order and he likes things neat.

hufflepuff as fuck thanks have a nice day

connections

best friend ! you know, the og. someone that he would’ve gotten on really well with, probably into comics and games as well, and the two just goof around and really encourage each other.

opposites attract ! someone who’s going to really push louis out of his shell and into the great outdoors, and maybe if they’re a little wild, louis is rational and makes them do their homework and stuff.

protector ! someone who really looks out for louis, maybe stood up for him a handful of times when he was bullied at blackthorne. it’d be even more interesting if the two of them weren’t really friends.

bully ?! someone who bullied louis, probably at blackthorne. maybe they meant well, they were pushing him and took it too far, or thought it was bullshit that louis was at the school ‘not trying’ while everyone else was working so hard.

an almost ? louis lived all over the usa so maybe they were getting close, almost dated before he got moved to a different home.

pen pals ! on that same vein, someone who louis wrote to really frequently throughout his life as he moved all over :) sweet.

also down to compare backgrounds, talk about how they could’ve gotten along in the place. louis has lived all over the united states in different homes, so it’s possible he could have a connection to your muse prior.

#gallagher:intro

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acsversace-news · 7 years

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Andrew Cunanan, who shot and killed Gianni Versace on the front steps of the designer’s palatial estate on the morning of July 15, 1997, was good at bragging. In the second episode of The Assassination of Gianni Versace, a new FX miniseries about the crime and the years that led up to it, Cunanan (Darren Criss) lands in Miami’s South Beach. It is the last stop on a three-month killing spree, in which he has already murdered four men in three different states. Boasting energetically to a new friend, he claims he was once engaged to Versace (he wasn’t), who took him to dinner at the fabled San Francisco restaurant Stars (he didn’t). He launches into a reverie on Versace’s gift for design, and when his friend replies with, “Sounds real nice,” Cunanan is not pleased. “I don’t see something nice. I see the man behind it. A great creator. The man I could have been.”

Cunanan’s curdled sense of self-importance runs through the next seven episodes of the series, which travel backward from Cunanan’s crime spree to his troubled childhood. His parents, a depressive Italian-American mother and a Filipino immigrant father, poured all their hopes into young Andrew. He slept in the cavernous master bedroom by himself and attended a swanky private school in La Jolla, California, even though his parents could barely afford the tuition. He wore a red leather jumpsuit to school on occasion and was voted “Most Likely to Be Remembered” in his senior yearbook, but his own page gave almost no information about him. Instead, he inserted just one quote, attributed to the French King Louis XV: “Après moi, le déluge.” After me, the flood.

Cunanan’s first victims were Jeff Trail (Finn Wittrock) and David Madson (Cody Fern), two young gay men he met through the San Diego and San Francisco nightlife scenes when he was in his twenties. Trail, a former naval officer, befriended him when his ship was docked in the San Diego harbor. Madson, a promising young architect from Minnesota, and Cunanan had met in San Francisco in 1995, when Cunanan spotted him at a restaurant bar and sent a cocktail over. That night, according to writer Maureen Orth’s account (the FX show is partially based on Vulgar Favors, her 1999 best-seller about Cunanan’s crimes), the pair had a “nonsexual sleepover” inside the Mandarin Oriental hotel, where Andrew was staying thanks to an allowance he collected from a wealthy, older La Jolla businessman named Norman Blachford.

Blachford, whose partner of 26 years had just died when he met Cunanan, allowed him to move in to his mansion and decorate it, giving him credit cards, a $33,000 Infiniti, and a $2,500 living allowance. Cunanan was apparently ashamed of being a “kept” man but also flaunted his nouveau riches, spending lavishly on friends and acquaintances. When he met Madson, Cunanan felt a genuine emotional connection and obsessed over the architect romantically for the next two years. By the time Trail took a blue-collar job in Minneapolis, where Madson also lived, Blachford had dropped Cunanan, who was now alone. Cunanan flew to Minnesota, killed Trail with a claw hammer inside Madson’s airy loft, and then shot and killed Madson four days later on the banks of East Rush Lake, an hour outside town—perhaps out of jealousy or despair.

The Assassination of Gianni Versace sticks with Cunanan throughout his spree. Versace (Edgar Ramírez) and his longtime partner, Antonio (Ricky Martin), only appear intermittently, like pops from a flashbulb rather than fully developed characters. This feels purposeful: Cunanan was preoccupied with fame, perhaps to the point of psychopathy, and he put celebrity on a pedestal. He saw himself as destined for greatness, and it is this tragic misconception of himself that makes his story so very American. Versace was an openly gay immigrant, succeeding at the highest levels of American business. This must have enraged Cunanan, the openly gay son of an immigrant, who saw in Versace the anointed prince that he longed to be.

Shortly before the first episode aired, members of the Versace family distanced themselves from the new show, which they thought “should only be considered as a work of fiction.” In Vulgar Favors, Orth asserts that Cunanan had met Versace in San Francisco around 1990, when the designer created the costumes for a San Francisco Opera production of Capriccio. Although it’s not clear whether the two met only in passing or were much better acquainted, we see this encounter in a scene in The Assassination of Gianni Versace. If they had dated, as Cunanan often boasted to friends, Cunanan’s violent act may have been personal: Some reporters at the time speculated—with a homophobic slant—that Cunanan may have been an “HIV killer,” out to get revenge on former boyfriends. (A medical examiner later testified that he was not in fact HIV positive.) Versace’s family holds that he never met Cunanan, that the designer was a victim of his own fame and of one man’s twisted rampage against a sparkling culture that rejected him.

The second installment in Ryan Murphy’s American Crime Story anthology series, the show doesn’t aim to establish which version is true so much as to expose the rot at the center of American culture—horrors that could only happen here. (Last season followed the trial of O.J. Simpson, dissecting the racial and gendered complexities of the case.) What we do know, from Orth’s book and from several other reports following the murders, was that Cunanan’s life was one of deception and delusion, of falsehoods and fibs and chicanery. He wanted to travel in the highest echelons of society, clinking glasses with socialites and captains of industry and cavorting on yachts. He didn’t like to work but loved to party, a less talented Mr. Ripley.

Cunanan wanted to travel in the highest echelons of society, clinking glasses with socialites and cavorting on yachts.

Throughout, Cunanan has to confront the mismatch between his aspirations and reality. From an early age, he bluffs about his background, telling classmates he is the son of wealthy aesthetes, that his father, Modesto (Jon Jon Briones), once served as Imelda Marcos’s personal pilot and that his mother has filled his lunch box with lobster tails. In the penultimate episode, we learn that Modesto has had to flee the country after embezzling fortunes from his clients. When Cunanan, now in his teens, goes to Manila to find him, Modesto is living in squalid conditions. Criss and Briones stare at each other for long minutes in this scene, filmed inside a tiny tropical shack. Cunanan realizes his father’s success was a lie, and that all of the confidence and self-regard he has absorbed from his bellowing belief must also be fraudulent.

Many people would experience this sort of trauma—the explosion of the family unit, the disgrace of a parent—and cave inward. Cunanan does the opposite. When he returns from Manila, his lies only get bigger. He claims that his father owns a pineapple plantation, that as son and heir, he is set to inherit millions. He tells friends that he has family in New York, Paris, and Rome, and that Signore Versace has asked him to travel around the world with him designing costumes. Even before the period when a quick Google search could swiftly puncture outrageous claims, all this bragging raises suspicion. In a conversation Madson imagines shortly before he is killed, he asks Cunanan to tell him one true thing about his life. It doesn’t happen. Cunanan was like a Gatsby so enchanted with the green light that he would kill for it, a man so bedeviled by the American dream that he became a walking nightmare.

Because the show tells Cunanan’s story backward, we often see his victims die before we get to spend time with them. We see Cunanan in the days leading up to the murder of Versace, then we see him bludgeon Lee Miglin (Mike Farrell), a prominent Chicago real estate developer, in Miglin’s garage. We see him shoot a cemetery caretaker in Pennsylvania just so that he can steal his red pickup truck. When these victims appear again on-screen, beaming and unaware of their bloody future, it can feel like agony. They die in front of you all over again, and you are mourning them even while they are simply talking and moving.

The best episode of the series is “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” which follows Jeff Trail through the trauma of being gay in the military. In one scene, he tries to hang himself in uniform; in another gruesome moment, he takes a box cutter and begins to slice a tattoo from his calf, after hearing that officials can identify homosexuals by their body markings. The anguish and shame that Trail feels is devastating, especially as we know what fate lies ahead. He is forced to leave the Navy, but as he leaves, he gives an interview to a news program about the struggles of being gay and wanting to serve your country. The fact that this act of bravery—and its promise of a new, more open life—so closely precedes his death haunts the episode.

No one is safe in Cunanan’s world, but then, perhaps, it was never safe to be gay in 1990s America, even for gold-plated celebrities like Versace. The media of the time blamed the victim for his own murder as much as it blamed Cunanan. While Cunanan was “a killer on the loose,” Edward J. Ingebretsen has written in At Stake: Monsters and the Rhetoric of Fear in Public Culture, Versace was seen as “a different threat entirely, that of a profligate and well-traveled member of the upper class, whose mobility, like the killer’s, is also the stuff of myth.” The media wrapped Versace’s and Cunanan’s stories together, frequently drawing parallels between the two: both gay, fashion-obsessed men, enchanted by wealth. Yet they couldn’t have been more different—one of them created, while the other destroyed.

In the end, The Assassination of Gianni Versace belongs to Cunanan, because it is a singular story: the story of a boy who wanted everything in the world but never figured out how to get it. This is an American crime story, in that we see in the rearview how the consumerist ’90s could warp those who treated celebrity like a religion, how some were even willing to commit vile acts for a taste of rarefied air. Very little is, at its core, more American than that.

#acs versace #new republic #article #review #acs spoilers #february 2018 #.thanks musexmoirai for the link

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creativeashproductions · 7 years

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The Surname // Grayson Dolan

Summary: Keeping your birth surname a secret to create a name for yourself it leads to meet a certain twin. Overtime you fall in love and it comes out who exactly your related to and it doesn’t change a thing. Well except that your brother doesn’t know about this new love.

Sneak Peak: “Absolutely one hundred percent about to shit my pants scared.”

Characters: Grayson Dolan x Reader, Ethan Dolan, One Direction and Zayn Malik

Words: 2233

Disclaimer: I do not own any gifs that may appear in this. I do however take ownership of the fake tweets and instagrams posts that may appear. Also the people portrayed in this are based on the people in real life but I don’t know them personally so how they act and talk have differ.

Warnings: Swearing, and complete and utter fluff.

Author: Caitsy

A/N: I used to be a huge fan of One Direction and this popped in my head. I may not be obsessive over them but I wanted to write this. Enjoy and request more fics from us please. Also Anamchara means soul friend in Ireland.

Master List

Prompt List

ASK US A QUESTION LIST

Moving to LA was something you wouldn’t have thought where you were a kid but that was before your brother auditioned for the X Factor. It was an emotional rollercoaster as he shoved into a group and began an international hit. Six years younger than him you didn’t completely understand the fame.

You were eleven when he was given an amazing for yeses from the judges when your were sadly at school. You truly didn’t know how it was going to change your lives and when he called to let your know he was placed in a group you were further confused. They didn’t win The X Factor but Simon Cowell gave them a record deal.

As a member of the Payne family you did get approached by people about your brother which led to you being homeschooled. You began to use YouTube when you were thirteen before you truly gained popularity to the point that you couldn’t stay in England. You moved to LA while dropping the name last name Payne for your maternal grandmother’s maiden name.

“I have to know how did you get into YouTube?” Tamara asked on the TRL stage.

“It was an outlet when I was homeschooled. I was always seriously shy growing up and it helped with huge changes.”

“Well I have some YouTubers that would love to meet you.” Tamara said as twins walked on stage, “These are the Dolan Twins.”

 “Hey.” Ethan said, “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too.” You smiled back at them. Your attention turned back to Tamara who had that familiar expression wanting to know about your childhood, “I’m surprised my past hasn’t come up yet. It does make sense since I never talked about my family.”

“Are you opening up?” Tamara asked surprised.

“My birth name is Y/N Payne. I go by my grandmother’s maiden name to carve a name for myself.”

 “Given the millions of followers I think you were successful.”

“I was eleven when my life changed. Liam Payne is my older brother and I’m the secret sibling he kept from the media due to my age even if some people did find out he was my brother but it didn’t get far.”

You could hear whispers of disbelief in the crowd given that there wasn’t a lot of information about you out there. You could understand it also.

“Did you ever meet the One Direction members?”  

“Yeah. I’m pretty close to Niall the most. They’re pretty protective of me and Zayn’s always checking up on me. I’m sure I’ll be getting a call from them all later tonight.”

“Will they ever come back together?”

  “My lips are sealed.” You joked before thanking them for bringing you onto set. Your eyes connected with the more quiet twin. He blushed moving his gaze somewhere else.

You spoke with Ethan a few times amid shocked expressions from him and his brother since you let them know your family. They complimented your thick accent before inviting you for some food.

 “I can’t believe we’re talking to a One Direction family member.” Grayson admitted, “You got more cool.”

“Thank you.” You chuckled looking down to see your phone’s notifications going off.

You scanned the comments under his post seeing that Harry, Louis, Niall and Zayn commented on it before Twitter blew up by each member mentioning you. You were regretting the decision because you could be more open with your friends and family.

INSERT THE TWEETS

“Craziness is very much going to begin.” You mumbled looking up at the twins.

“Are you aware your followers have increased a shit ton?” Grayson asked showing you his phone to reveal the massive change in followers. You choked before checking all your social media to see the new change.

“My life just changed again.” You sighed leaning back with each boy in your eye. Grayson had your attention more than Ethan though. There was something about him.

“You aren’t fans of the boys are you?” You questioned.

“They have some good material.” Grayson shrugged. He was trying to not offend you. You chuckled agreeing with them.

“To be honest I never really bought any of their music. It was weird listening to my brother singing about love, sex and heartbreak.”

“Does Liam know that?” Grayson questioned, “Wait no! I have a better question! Did you ever have a crush on the other four?”  

“Not really to be honest. When I first saw them I thought they were cute but nothing beyond that.” You shrugged, “They’re my big brothers and even if they aren’t together as much as before they’ll always be close.”

“Do you know any other celebrities?”

  “No.” You shrugged, “I kept out of the limelight. The only other person that knew about me was Simon. He agreed to keep me away from it all. He’s a cool guy, pretty much like an uncle.”

 “That’s really cool.” Ethan acknowledge digging into the food on his plate, “Do they know Nicki Minaj?”

“I don’t know.” You shrugged earning a disappointed sigh from him. You were amused he had a celebrity crush on her, “Who knows Ethan maybe when your legal she’ll date you.”

“She’s seventeen years older than me. There’s no way that would happen.” Ethan denied. You raised on eyebrow up before pushing your phone across the table.

“That’s my nephew Bear. His parents, my brother and Cheryl have a ten year age difference, and they love each other to bits.” You smugly said as they looked at the image, “I miss him.”

“Did Liam move back to England?”

 “Yeah. He moved to Sussex to live with Cheryl and Bear. He comes to LA a lot for his job but I don’t see him often.”

Overtime you kept in contact with the twins enough you hung out as much as possible with them even staying in your New York house when they were there. Liam and you co-owned the home and since it was the first place you lived together you couldn’t get rid of it. You rented it out sometimes but not often.

As time went on you did develop a relationship with Grayson that you both decided to keep out of the public. Not even your brother knew yet but when the year and a half came along you decided to do something crazy. You moved into a nicely sized house with Grayson that included a guest house in the backyard where Ethan moved into.

“I don’t know about this.” Grayson mumbled nervously as the car pulled down to a large house.

“We spent Christmas Eve with your parents. It’s time we spent Christmas Day with my family.” You chuckled, “Are you terrified?”  

“Absolutely one hundred percent about to shit my pants scared.” Grayson quickly agreed, “I’m meeting your parents who don’t know about me!”

“They know you idiot.” You snorted shaking your head as your driver, Liam’s request, placed your bags on the sidewalk, “And Liam.”

“What?”  

“Liam’s here. He’s the only that doesn’t know you.” You stated as you walked up to the door. It was decorated with the wreath you made in primary school.

The door was flung open revealing your older brother with a large grin on his place before you picked you up and hugged you tight. You relaxed into your brothers arms relishing in the same cologne he had used since the beginning of his career.

“I missed you.” Liam sighed leaning back with a laugh. His laugh ceased when he looked at the boy standing in the entryway, “Who is this?”

  “This is Grayson. My boyfriend.” You admitted as Liam ushered you both in to the family room. You made a beeline for Cheryl holding Bear, “Look at my little nephew! You’re so cute.”

“Hey.” Cheryl grinned hugging you, “Good to know you don’t have an American accent.”

“Where’s Grayson?” Your mom mom Karen asked stealing Bear from you. Right at the end Grayson awkwardly shuffled into the room with a whole bunch of anxiety shooting through his veins.

“Is this the boy?” Cheryl whispered to Ruth with a grin. Ruth nodded back while Liam glared at the poor boy.

“We should play a game of football.” Dad suggested getting up from the chair, “Grayson would you like to join?”

  “Uh sure.”

“It’s the equivalent to soccer in your country.” You whispered to Grayson with a wink before he got more courage to head out.

“I’ll be right out.” Liam called to the retreating forms of your father, Grayson and Ruth’s husband Thomas, “Y/N, how long have you been dating Grayson?”  

“A year and a half. We moved in together.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Liam inquired crouching in front of you in the chair, “I’m just a little upset I didn’t know.”

  “You’ve been so stressed about your solo career and the time away from Bear that I thought it would be best not to say something until I knew it would last.” You admitted playing with your hands. Liam grabbed them squeezing them.

“He obviously makes you very happy.” Liam whispered, “Just know that nothing is more important than my family. You can always come to me about things. If you love him then I’ll get to know him.”  

“I love you Liam.”

“Love you too dork.” Liam chuckled standing up to head out the door, “Just know that I’ll gladly spend time in jail if he hurts you.”

Over time the other One Direction members, including Zayn, found out about the relationship when it hit the news. They didn’t have time to meet him in person before the invitations were sent out and media blew up when all five men were spotted at the event.

You were chatting with your childhood best friend when you felt a tap on your shoulder. You turned to see Niall grinning at you.

“Congratulations Anamchara on your marriage.” Niall grinned as people mingled around the room. You grinned hearing the familiar nickname Niall had called you since you first hung out, “Where’s your husband?”  

“Over there.” You chuckled pointing to Grayson conversing with Ethan.

“Er…which one?” Niall asked confused.

“The one on the left is Grayson.” Liam said stepping into the conversation, “Nice lad. Are you still upset with me for buying you that house?”  

“Yes!” You exclaimed at your brother, “Why do I need a house in England?!”

  “Grayson and you can use it when you visit and it’s big enough that if his family wants to come to England they have a place to stay.”

“We got married in England, isn’t that enough for you?” You whined halfheartedly as Cheryl stepped over with Bear stumbling over his feet.

“Hey Babe.” Grayson mumbled hugging you from behind, “Ethan’s demanding a dance from you in his own extra way.”

“Of course he is.” You chuckled as Ethan drew closer with a grin.

“Anamchara best not keep him waiting.” Niall chuckled as Ethan dragged you onto the dance floor for not even a minute before Harry cut in.

“Hey Gary, mind if I cut in?” Harry asked already gripping your hand.

“I’m Ethan!” Ethan groaned throwing his head back, “And my brother’s name is Grayson.”

“Sorry.” Harry lightly blushed, “I’m not good with names.”

Ethan mumbled something as he wandered off to join his parents and your parents talking to each other.

“Who knew it would be my wedding that brought the band together at the same time?” You joked.

“Zayn isn’t here.” Harry chuckled swaying to the music.

“He is.” You smiled as the former One Direction member walked in to the room with his sunglasses on and a sharp all black suit. He made a beeline to you with little heavy breathing.

“Shit. I’m sorry I’m late.” Zayn huffed leaning forward, “The fucking plane was delayed in Los Angeles then I couldn’t off so by the time I was here you were already on your way to the reception.”

“It’s okay.”  

“Where’s the crazy guy?” Zayn joked shoving his glasses into his pocket. His eyes landed on Grayson’s approaching form.

“Crazy?” You asked confused.

“He’s crazy for marrying you.” Zayn teased before stepping towards Grayson, “Zayn Malik, honorary brother.”  

“Grayson Dolan, husband.” Gray laughed slipping his arm around you waist as he got close with the people he hadn’t met before in the three years you had been dating.

There was alcohol at your wedding even if you were in England you made it clear that every young looking person be carded. Grayson was adamant that if anyone from the US was there that if they weren’t twenty one they weren’t allowed alcohol. You agreed with little resistance to your husband when he brought it up.

You were happy now especially with everyone you loved at your wedding. You knew shit would hit the fan when it was released you got married to Grayson. Your fans didn’t know when the wedding was going to take place because it was private and it would hit further when it got out that Zayn wasn’t there for the ceremony.

“Guess you have to change your social media usernames again.” Liam smiled standing next to you and Grayson.

“All I seem to do is change my surname.” You joked leaning against Grayson.

Fame sucked but without it you wouldn’t have four protective honorary brothers or a husband you loved an incredible amount.

Forever Tag List

@cityofsobbingfangirls @tas898 @barbidollash @trustnobodyshootfirst @winchesterfanfiction @deanwinchesterisamazing @oh-my-hecky-padalecki @padackles2010 @msimpala67 @deangirl5509 @heyitssilverwolf @therealme13posts @petlaufeyson @professionally-crazed @winterhurricane @tearsandbloodofmyenemies @blackwidow-romanoff @crazybarnes @marvelofcourse @takemetothefictionalworld @destiel67bellarke @ohmy-sammy @fightinthepain @vivabucky @waituntilthedustsettles @daydreaming1393 @cumonbucky @inhumans-of-shield @basicwhiskeyprincesss @soulfull-ofevans @spookass @glitterintheairblog @girl-with-wild-dreams @frickin-bats @darkestgrungeuniverse @shamvictoria11 @buckyappreciationsociety @sammysgirl1997 @fly-f0rever @archer-whovian-violinist @jenn0755 @anamarieswift2194 @unicornofdanger @ifyoudie @jealousbitxh @stormin-thru-glitter @sparklyaura @stilescstilinski @curlyxtomato @katshrev @its-sanaa-k @theoismydad @im-a-light-child @tmriddler @flirtswithdanger @divide-supermarketflowers @arkhamasylumpatient-blog1 @introverted-fandom-human @jennylj16 @potterandbucky @harleenq4life @runs-with-sciss0rs @superhero-lover101 @ridingmoxley

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ruinedbygaysstylinson · 7 years

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hi there! i'm still somewhat new to this fandom but i'm familiar with bg and everything so i'm just wondering why people believe that liam is also stunting with cheryl? is he believed to be gay as well and this relationship with her and his baby is just another cover up? like i understand why people believe louis isn't really a dad but i don't see as much regarding liam? can you try and explain this??

Hi Nonnie!

First of all, welcome to the fandom. It’s a mess, but it’s our mess lol

I’m gonna be honest, when I first got this ask I had no clue where to start explaining just how fake Chiam is, and I wish I had a textbook answer for you. The best way I can put it is that literally everything about it makes no sense logically. None of it. Prepare for a lot of rambling.

Not sure how into the fandom you are, but if you’ve heard of RBB/SBB, they foreshadowed Chiam on Liam’s bday in 2015 at a show, using toothpaste labeled “Colegate” which is a nod to her first marriage, and the original babygate which had been labeled a couple months earlier.

As far as timelines go, Sophiam ended late October 2015. Charcole actually got married for the second time in mid 2014, and while her and her husband seperated in late 2015, they both wore their wedding rings into 2016, despite the fact that later it was hinted that Chiam began at the XF final in 2015. Chiam was announced in the exact same way every other stunt is: via an exclusive to Dick Wattpad from the Sun. Baby rumors started a couple months later, nearly 2 full months before the date Charcole supposedly conceived. During this time, Chiam made a few public appearances, all staged red carpets or pap walks, and they were never spotted together by fans outside of these. Charcole had a baby bump months before she was pregnant, and baited the media by putting her hand over her stomach in multiple events. After she became “pregnant”, Liam basically moved to LA and lived there for her entire pregnancy. He began partying, worked on his album, and acted like a single guy for the duration with no care in the world for Charcole. What a normal thing for a dad-to-be to do. They never officially announced the pregnancy, she just turned up obviously pregnant in December 2016, and then posed for Loreal with a massive bump on a campaign released in February. Her bump changed in sizes and height throughout the pregnancy, but she went into hiding so it was difficult to actual tell what was going on, which was 100% the point. The birth was announced via a single photo of Liam with a baby, despite the fact that usually moms pose with their baby. To this day, we’ve never seen the baby’s face, and Charcole has yet to show off her pride and joy. Privacy is one thing, but this is another thing entirely. If it wasn’t for Liam babbling on, you’d have no clue she had a kid.

So what are my issues with Chiam? First of all, her association with Satan Cowbell. They are besties. Judges together on XF, and recently I found out that she’s also an executive producer. Chiam was used to promote XF in late October with probably the cringiest moment they’ve had yet. If you hate Satan because of what he did to Louis/Harry, you better be concerned that Liam “willingly” shacked up with one of his friends.

Secondly, timing. Liam was planning a solo career. It’s been his dream for over 10 years. Why on earth would he decide to settle down in the middle of trying to launch his solo career, just months after ended a long term relationship? Basically this stunt forced him to “choose” between his career and his kid, which is NOT something that a loving partner would put you through. Charcole was also married until late 2016. If she was so desperate for a baby, wouldn’t it make more sense to have it with your husband rather than a guy 10 years her junior in a completely different stage of life? She’s old but she still has time. Literally everything about this relationship was set up to fail. Also, what exactly do they have in common? They moved so quickly that Liam never had to talk about her/why they are even dating. To me, the only things they have in common are that they were both in a band (with very different experiences..) and they have a kid together. Nice.

Thirdly, Charcole’s presence in his promo. In 2014 she released an album that flopped pretty badly because she really can’t sing at all her. Her fame came from her very public relationship drama and her association with XF when it was at the height of it’s fame. Her career is pretty much over and she’s most likely desperate for anything to reverse this progression. What better way to find new fans than to try and tap into one of the largest fandoms out there? Of course, she didn’t take into account the fact that we aren’t 13 year old girls with no brains, and therefore aren’t going to blindly stan her like people did with Sofa and Elk in the past. She’s ridiculously problematic as a person (she punched a woman in the face for doing her job and got convicted for assault, admitted to attacking her ex husband, dodged taxes via a shady company that closed in 2014 right when she turned up suddenly married to JB. The list goes on and on), and from what I’ve seen her personality stinks, so why would we support her? For the most part, people either dislike her or just don’t care at all. Bummer. Liam’s promo was the only way for her to get positive news out there about herself without her doing all the talking. Unfortunately for her, Liam went overboard and now people hate her just as much, if not more, than they did before this stunt. Just to be clear: normal celebs don’t launch their careers by constantly telling stories about their kid, s/o and hyping up their accomplishments from 8 years ago.

Fourthly, body language. This is a big one. Liam’s eyes in the very first selfie of them scared me to death because he looked so upset and resigned. Literally screaming for help with his facial expression. All along, the lack of intimacy between Chiam is pretty hard to dispute. They are not comfortable together at all, and I know some media sites called them out for faking affection on red carpets when they are distant in private in May 2016. Liam was a lot better at faking it last year as well, because he’s nothing if not professional. At XF this year, it was literally painful to watch them interact, and I made a post about that when it happened. Basically, as a couple they don’t have the familiarity that they should have considering all they’ve squeezed into less than two years. Liam also doesn’t talk about her fondly at all. If you pay attention, a lot of his comments just about her are negative: she scolds him, nags him, rolls her eyes at him, dresses him (in hideous pants, someone burn those), makes all the decisions about the baby, critcizes his music, etc, but at least she was famous back when he was 15 eh? (Them meeting at 14/24 when she was married for years is just another nasty aspect. She was in a mentor role and I’m disgusted she was okay with this stunt. It’s so wrong on so many levels.) Overall she sounds pretty awful to me, and that’s just based off of the picture Liam is painting.

And finally, the saga of Conchobear. The difference between actual celebrities having babies (think Beyoncé), vs Charcole is hilarious. No one ever saw her stomach when pregnant, she hid for months before and after the birth, and low and behold she popped back up with a new face! That’s the second 1D mom to get extensive plastic surgery when she should be caring for an infant. I seriously doubt she actually was pregnant, but that’s not something I’ll go into here. Liam was out working on his career a month after the announcement, and has been travelling pretty consistently since. He’s missed multiple important holidays; for example, on Father’s Day he flew from the US to Italy for a fashion show, and then back to the US. On Conchobear’s 6 month bday, Liam went out and did interviews. Do you really think that if Liam was an actual dad, he wouldn’t make every effort and move mountains to spend as much time as possible with his firstborn son? It just doesn’t make sense with what we know about Liam’s personality. He’s responsible, and he wouldn’t put himself in this situation. What he says, what we are fed, what he does, and what we know about him as a person don’t line up at all. Liam sounds like an amazing involved dad with his tales, but he lacks a basis in basic human development; his stories are cute and so unrealistic. Thus, Liam hasn’t spent any significant time with a baby. The entire stunt has been setting up single mom!Charcole, but Liam’s team has made sure to prevent her from calling him a deadbeat via the stories. It’s hard to say he was never around when he’s gushing about the kid in every interview. He’s also gotten worse at lying recently, and I get the feeling he’s tired.

So yeah, basically every aspect of this relationship is messed up in one way or another, and I’m expecting to see Chiam end sooner rather than later. If they are both out working on material, they won’t be able to hold it together imo. There’s definitely stuff I’ve missed and if any of my mutuals/followers want to add to this feel free. This is just stuff I thought of off the top of my head.

For specific examples of some of what I’ve mentioned you can check out the Twitter thread I linked below. It has some great resources and that account in general is amazing at breaking down stunt events. I’m also gonna reblog a post comparing Chiam to Zigi (another dead fauxmance) and Hiddleswift that is pretty interesting for you to look over.

https://twitter.com/EndBabygates/status/856439540831195137

Enjoy your stay in the fandom Nonnie. If you have any specific questions or need recommendations for who to follow, shoot me a message!

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nolongerbrittney · 4 years

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My 21st birthday was nothing special.

I lived in a house with a roommate that I met at my day job. I had two jobs most of my life haha and at 21 I worked 40 hours a week during the day as an accounting assistant and 20-30 hours in the evening/nights as a tanning salon manager. I was comfortable and content. My roommate and I had become each others best and only friends. We had 3 dogs and we were both single. On my 21st birthday we went and ate tacos and went to a concert at a local favorite bar, we were trashed and broke, but we felt awesome and had the best time!!!

About a month later I met a man on social media, he was posting cute puppies and awesome cars with some money in some of the pictures. We started talking and he asked me to meet him in person. He was black, that was something new and different for me. It had been years since I had dated someone and it had been almost a full year since I had slept with someone, I was definitely out of my comfort zone. We were attached QUICK. He was staying at my house every night, coming for dinner soon as he left work, he eventually talked me into quitting my second job so I would be one more… my roommate never became a fan but she was respectful. As the weeks and months passed, he faded into something I didn’t like…he didn’t come around as often, he was out of town all the time, we argued constantly, he seemed to always need money, he wouldn’t let me meet his kids, and honestly I had never even been to his house. My roommate consoled me every single night I was crying and upset. I would stay home alone instead of going out to concerts or the bar with her, waiting on him to come over just to be let down when he never showed up. I was getting really tired of it really fast.

In August, 2 months after my birthday, I was at my boyfriends job when a truck pulled into the parking lot. When I tell you this was a really nice truck those words do no justice. I had never seen a truck so customized and so unique. It was a brand new ford platinum limited edition, it had amazing huge wheels and rims on it, it had a cover on the truck bed which in turn kind of gave it the big SUV look. I was In love with that vehicle. My boyfriend then got angry and started swearing under his breath pushing me out of the office toward my car telling me that I had to leave because this customer did not need to see me. The immature girl In me got defensive thinking he was hiding me for another woman or something…OH how little did I know how much he was trying to save me.

The man that hopped out of that truck was like no one I had ever seen before. He was different. He was older, light perfect skin, everything he was wearing was matching and I knew it was designer (I just didn’t know the name), he had gold chains around his neck, when he smiled it was complete diamonds (real diamonds), and the way he looked at me could’ve made me pass out. haha! He came over and asked me my name, where I was from, and why I wasn’t his… I remember telling him my name and a few things about me then I told him that I was there because this was my boyfriends business. He laughed and told me I need to be taught how to live life and know my worth. I left and went home. I didn’t see or hear from my boyfriend for two straight days. I knew I messed up by staying there that day, he was so scared for me to meet the man who pulled up in the truck that day. I just didn’t understand why yet.

During those two days of the silent treatment from A I went to work like normal and hung out with my roommate. I told her about the man I met with the truck and the diamonds and she told me he sounded like trouble and like an idiot. I ignored her and found him on Facebook. He added me instantly and began blowing up my notifications by commenting on almost everything I had ever posting. He was saying everything publicly that I wanted my boyfriend to do and say. I was lucky if A even liked a photo or a status, let alone commented on something publicly. The attention this new older man was giving me continued all day every day and I was beginning to love it.

My boyfriend and I began arguing almost everyday. Sometimes it was just better if we didn’t talk or see each other. This new man had began coming into town on the weekends and spending them with me at my house or we went to a nearby larger city and stayed the weekend in a hotel he would rent for us. I loved spending time with him. He was so nice to me and always said the perfect things. I found out he was 35 years old and I thought he was so mature and smart. He dressed in nothing but designer and he taught me how to spot designer, how to spot fake designer, how much certain designers and objects are worth, what age groups like what designer and why, and before him I had never even seen a Louis Vuitton designer object in real life. His whole truck backseat was full of LV boxes, I was so struck.

He knew it. He knew exactly what he was doing.

After about a month of meeting him he decided we needed to have a serious conversation about “us’’. He told me that he really cared about me and saw my true potential. He told me that A wouldn’t let me come to his house because he was actually married and that I was his 2 year side relationship, that hurt. He told me that he can teach me all I need to know in life in order to provide for myself and not have to work 2-3 jobs just to afford living with a roommate. He told me that I could have all the designer he had and more, along with promising to get me the plastic surgery I dreamed of to get rid of the self conscious body issues I dealt with for years. He told me he was leaving town to go back home to Las Vegas. I was scared because I had never even been out of state before and here this man was making all these promises to me but only if I pack a bag, leave everything I’ve ever known, leave family and friends, and move 22 hours away with him.

I asked him how we would survive and what we would do for work. He told me that he was a pimp and I laughed at him. What?! Pimps are not real I said..thats in movies people don’t really do that. Oh baby, how wrong was I. I still thought he was joking.. he told me I wouldn’t be a hooker nor would I do anything I didn’t want to, he told me that he had a lot of older white men that he plays golf with and the they will pay me to go on vacation with them and to go to business parties..he told me that I could maybe work in a strip club if I liked to dance, or maybe go back to school to do what I really want to do in life, but most importantly I would be away from this small country town and A…the man who hurt me over and over by lying and cheating and then the silent treatment.

This man filled my head every single morning and night with how I was so much bigger and better than anything this small town had to offer me. If I stayed here I would end up old, fat, ugly, alone, and unhappy like I currently said I was.

I was 21. I was in a bad relationship. I was sleeping with a devil, a terrible terrible devil. He filled my head and my thoughts every second we weren’t together. I took the time to call A and ask him what our future plans were, he told me he had no future with me because he did not care about me enough to be serious. After 2 years of back and forth with a man that lived with me and that I fought to have my family accept, he told me he did not care about me and there was no future. I cried all night long.

When morning came I told my roommate I was calling into work and staying in bed. As soon as she left I packed 3 bags full of clothes and shoes and put them in my trunk. I took my dog to my parents house and asked them to watch him for a few days while I was staying with friends, gave my mom hug, and left.

He sent me an address and I told him I was 20 minutes away. On the way to meet him I had to pull off of the road to throw up two separate times. I finally gained my composure and made it to my destination. Once I pulled up into the driveway he came outside to meet me, with the biggest smile I had ever seen before. He took me inside with him and introduced me to his mother and father, his two daughters, a few cousins, one son, a few friends, and two his other girls. After being A’s secret for two years the feelings I had of just being introduced to his entire family and his two other girls was unimaginable. He introduced me as his and told them that I just gave up my whole life to be his forever. His words might sound cheesy but I loved hearing them. I could tell he was serious and meant every word. He showed me a bedroom and told me to take a nap because we would be leaving that night and driving all night long. He promised me I would never be away from him long, if I ever was. He told me I would never be alone. (I found out later he was serious) On all of our car trips he said he would always ride with me, on all the over night trips he would always sleep with me… I honestly was his prize and I loved how he made me feel so wanted and loved. He told me it would be better to cancel social media until I got my plastic surgery and my new house and car so people will see how good I am doing since I moved, so I disconnected all social media. Then he said it made more sense to give him my phone since he would be making my phone payment and I needed to rest and drive anyways, I gave it to him he promised to get me a new one when I needed it.

September 20, 2014, I fell asleep in his mothers bed with two women I had never met before waiting for him to wake us up so we could make a 21 hour drive to California. He promised me our first stop would be Hollywood then he promised to take me to the beach since I had never been.

#humantraffickingawareness details gaslighting manipulation prostitution thegame rhgo rpgo traveling 21stbirthday turnup relation

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theliterateape · 5 years

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Hope Idiotic | Part 34

By David Himmel

Hope Idiotic is a serialized novel. Catch each new part every week on Monday and Thursday.

SADNESS DOESN’T COME IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE SUDDEN DEATH OF A LOVED ONE. Shock comes first. You feel nothing. Your mind and body switch to autopilot. If you’re one of the first to hear the news, you get busy making phone calls to other loved ones of the departed. You involuntarily go through all of the other motions that come with surviving someone. You try to maintain the status quo. You eat breakfast. You feed your kid. If you’re Lou, you go couch shopping.

Sadness makes a brief appearance at the funeral or the memorial service. That’s when the reality of the death hits. As you watch the crowd of bereaved friends and family huddle and hug and share condolences, you realize the final truth that someone you cared about isn’t showing up. That person will never show up again. All you’re left with is whatever they gave you before the day they died. And as people tell their stories about the dead, and you hold a service program in your hand with a nice portrait of the dead on the cover, you cry. That’s the sadness. But there’s more. There’s a deeper, unwavering sadness. This sadness comes only after the news has gone cold and the body has been put away. It’s when things go back to normal and you find yourself reaching for that person, expecting to hear them, see them, and you get nothing in return but silence and emptiness. Going about the day-to-day even long after that person is gone is when true sadness shows. The enormity of the loss doesn’t come until later.

So the next morning, Lou didn’t feel much of anything beyond the shock. He called Lexi.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Me, too.”

“You okay?”

“As okay as I can be, I suppose.”

Asking people if they are okay after a loved one dies is a stupid question. Has the answer ever been anything but exactly what’s expected? It’s a formality we exercise because we are uncertain of what else to say or do. Because for some reason, doing nothing and just being quiet is unacceptable behavior, but it’s probably what we need to do.

“What happened? How’d you find him?”

“He didn’t show up at work, and no one could reach him. Lorraine called me a little before the end of the day at work, so I tried calling and texting.”

“When was the last time you heard from him?”

“Thursday night after work. He was on his way to an alumni event at the university. He said he had a bad day at work and that we’d talk about it later.”

“Did he sound okay?”

“Just tired. Melvin was all over his ass.”

“Nothing out of the ordinary.”

“No. After work, I went by the house. I used the garage code and… I walked right past him in the car. Didn’t even see him. I went in the house, called for him, walked upstairs and checked the bedroom because I figured he was sleeping, but he wasn’t there. It was strange. So I walked back downstairs, and when I walked out of the kitchen into the garage… I saw him. In the car.”

“What did he look like? Shit, that’s weird. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. He looked like he was sleeping. But before I even got to the car, I knew.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“The doors were locked and the windows were up. I grabbed a broom and smashed the passenger window in with the handle. I don’t know why, but I tried to wake him up. Then I called Lorraine. Then I called 9-1-1. Then I tired waking him up again.”

“You don’t think he did it on purpose, do you?”

“Hell no!”

“Okay. I don’t either. I had to ask. Maybe you knew something I didn’t. He wouldn’t do that to us. It would kill him knowing we were having to deal with this shit.”

Lexi laughed. “Only you can get away with making me laugh right now.”

“So what’s the plan for a funeral?”

✶

MICHELLE SAID THAT SHE REALLY WANTED TO FLY TO LAS VEGAS WITH LOU FOR THE MEMORIAL SERVICE, but work was just too busy for her to get away. The memorial service was spearheaded by the Employee Events Department at Tigris. It was Melvin’s idea. They had contacted the church he and Lexi briefly attended, and the church agreed to host it.

The room was packed—three hundred people or so. A gentle, masculine-looking woman led the service. She looked like a young Bea Arthur. It was nicely done, and the sentiment was there, but overall, the whole thing felt like a farce. The program listed speakers as me, Neal Harding—friend, Louis Bergman—friend, Melvin Wilson—friend and co-worker, and Cal Keller—father. When I spoke, people laughed and cried. I managed to say what I had to say about my friend without cracking too badly. When Lou spoke, people laughed and cried some more. He didn’t fare so well and broke up twice. A hint of sadness. Melvin prattled on about how dedicated Chuck was to his job and how he always had an interesting approach to getting the work done. The bullshit was thick, and even those who didn’t know the true Melvin and Chuck relationship would have had to know everything he was saying was bullshit. Cal, came without Barbara or Darryl, but instead with a childhood friend of Chuck’s named R.J. When it was Cal’s turn to speak, R.J. stood uncomfortably on the stage with him.

“Thank you, all of you, for coming here to this service today,” Cal said. “Thank you Melvin for putting it together. This is all very sad. Chuck being dead is very sad.”

He began to cry, and R.J., who was wearing an oversized Indianapolis Colts jersey, put his arm around his old friend’s father and walked him back to their seats.

The young Bea Arthur minister returned to the microphone. “Chuck being dead is very sad,” she confirmed. “Let’s remember him in happier times with this slideshow.”

The lights dimmed, the two large screens on either side of the stage came to life with a photo of Chuck taken for his Tigris ID card. He looked like a corporate stiff. It was a terrible representation of him. His name and the years 1980–2009 faded in on the photo. Then the strum of Noel Gallagher’s guitar began. The slideshow was set to “Wonderwall.”

Funeral slideshows and videos are insulting. The intentions are well meaning, as are most things people do when in the grips of grief, but the truth is that those same intentions are just sediment filler in a deep, expansive bleak hole. These videos, which are an easy up-sell for the funeral director, are a collage of photos from the deceased’s life set to music, preferably the person’s favorite song. If the person didn’t have a favorite song, then something sappy and stock goes in its place. Something like “Amazing Grace” or inappropriately, Green Day’s “Good Riddance (The Time of Your Life),” which is about a breakup. What’s worse is that the photos chosen in the video are meant to represent that person’s life. No matter how great the photos are, no matter how representative they are of the different stages of that person’s life, the attempt to summarize a lifetime in a three to fifteen-minute slideshow is futile. A life, no matter how short or uneventful, cannot fit inside of a funeral video. And certainly not Chuck Keller’s life.

After the service, a large group of people—many friends from college Lou hadn’t seen in years—went to the Fish for a few drinks and to try to one-up each other with Keller stories. Lou and I got hammered, and Natalie drove us home to pass out together on separate ends of the couch.

✶

THE NEXT DAY, THE SORTING AND PACKING UP OF CHUCK’S LIFE WAS WELL ON ITS WAY. Lou arrived at his house to find Cal and R.J. loading up boxes into a U-Haul truck. But they weren’t Chuck’s. They were Lou’s boxes with all of his junk that he’d left behind and stored in the garage.

“None of these boxes are his?” R.J. asked.

“Nothing on the left side of the garage, no. This is all my stuff.”

“So we gotta unload everything we already loaded into the truck?”

“Unless you want to drop that stuff off in Chicago, yes.”

“Nah, we don’t want to do that. Just want to get all Chuck’s stuff back to where it belongs.”

“In Cayuga.”

“That’s right.”

R.J. started unloading the boxes. Cal came out from inside the house. “What the hell’re you doin’ R.J.?”

“These ain’t Chuck’s. They’re Lou’s.”

“So we gotta unload everything we already loaded into the truck?”

“You want to drop it off in Chicago?” R.J. asked.

“No.”

“Then yes.”

“What time did you guys get here this morning?” Lou asked Cal.

“We stayed here.”

“What, overnight?”

“Yeah. Didn’t see any sense in renting a hotel room when we got a house to stay at. You don’t mind, do you?”

“No, of course not. Just would have been nice to know. How’d you get in?”

“Chuck’s keys.”

“Right.”

“Hey!” R.J. yelled as he walked down the ramp of the truck with a box in his arms. “How ’bout a little help with all this?”

Cal and Lou started unloading boxes and stacking them back in the garage next to Chuck’s car, which hadn’t been moved. The empty bottle of wine was still on top of the cup holder, resting against the passenger seat. There were shards of glass on the driver’s seat, the floor of the car and the floor of the garage. The plastic broom Lexi used to break the window lay next to the car. Lou noticed a crowbar leaning against the wall by the door into the house.

So this was it, Lou thought. That piece of shit car is where Chuck took his last breath. This wasn’t the scene of blazing glory Lou figured would have been his friend’s undoing. Lou imagined Chuck making it until his 70s before his liver gave up on him and forced him into a hospice bed, or he’d have a heart attack on a road trip and drive his car off the side of California into the Pacific Ocean. Or maybe he’d go off the grid and spend his days drinking and writing in some Costa Rican resort bar until one afternoon he just didn’t wake up.

The idea of death is always romantic. The reality is far less so. We’ll never know exactly how Chuck died. We know he drove home. We know he never got out of the car. Everything in between is romantic filler. His favorite song playing to the very end is just how I like to imagine it. The romance helps me all this time later in the quieter moments. I like to think he died having a good time at the moment.

That’s how he died. As Lou stood in his garage, he was thinking more about the why. All evidence for Lou pointed to Chuck’s luck running out. A guy can only drive home drunk and pass out behind the wheel so many times before it catches up with him. And that’s what happened. Chuck had exhausted all of his chances to get out of jail free. Chuck had had a bad day and placed a bet with the gods. But the gods determined that he needed to go. They were done covering his ass.

“Hey, Cal,” Lou said, still staring at the car. “Where is Chuck now?”

“At the crematorium.”

“Oh.”

“It was a whole lot cheaper to have him cremated than buried. Plus, there’d be all these extra charges to have the coroner ship his body home. His boss said that Tigris would pay for it, but I told him no. Just pay for the cremation.”

“What are you going to do with the ashes?”

“I’ll probably take some for a keepsake,” R.J. said.

“Have you thought about spreading them out in Zion? Any of the other national parks? Probably what he’d want done with them,” Lou said.

“I’ll have him buried with me when I go. Think we’ll keep him at the house until then.”

The first bit of proof of how terrible Chuck’s dying was had revealed itself. All that was left of Chuck Keller was doomed to spend eternity in a place that caused him the least amount of peace. It wasn’t right.

Lou excused himself, telling the guys that he’d get to work packing up the stuff inside the house. Upstairs, he saw that the guestroom and second bathroom looked lived in. He ran back downstairs to Cal and R.J.

“Where are you guys sleeping?”

“I’m in the master bedroom, and R.J.’s sleeping down here on the couch.”

“So, whose stuff is in the guest bedroom?”

“Probably that magazine publisher. He’d been living here. Told me he’d be by tonight to pick the stuff up along with that computer in the office.”

Lou was floored. The publisher was living in his house? Why? For how long? Why didn’t Chuck say anything? He called Lexi, and she agreed to meet him for coffee later that afternoon.

“I thought you knew,” she sai

“I had no idea. Was he paying rent?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Jesus Christ. The guy has money. He should have been paying the full amount. Why would Chuck keep this from me? And why was the publisher not living at home with his family?”

“His wife kicked him out,” Lexi said. “It was supposed to be only a week or so until they worked it out or whatever.”

“But how long had it been?”

“A month, maybe. Now I have a question for you? Who’s Gina?”

Lou lifted his head out of his hands and starred at Lexi. “Who’s who?”

“Who is Gina?”

“I’m not… What do you mean?”

“Lou, I know about her. Gina. Well, I don’t know a lot about her, but I know she exists and for some reason has a key to your house because Cal called her last night to let him in after he couldn’t reach me.”

“She still has a fucking key? Cal told me that he used Chuck’s key to get in. What the hell is going on here?”

“Who is she?”

Lou had warned Chuck about the dangers of dating two women at once; about giving them both full access to the house, and he told Chuck that he wasn’t going to help him clean up the mess when the whole thing finally caved in on him. And now it had caved. And that motherfucker wasn’t there to deal with it at all. It was now entirely up to Lou to handle it.

“She’s a girl from Tigris.”

“Did they date?”

“Yeah, briefly. While you guys were broken up,” Lou lied. Then he lied some more. “It wasn’t anything serious.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” That motherfucking fucker.

✶

ON THE WAY BACK TO THE HOUSE, LOU CALLED ME.

“Did you know about the publisher?”

“I had no idea. That’s pretty goddamn funny, though. And that you had to deal with the Gina/Lexi thing. That guy left more shit behind than Tupac.”

At the house, Lou was further surprised and mildly pissed that Gina was there. She was in the office with Cal and R.J. futzing around with Chuck’s computer.

“What’s going on here?” Lou asked. The three of them looked at Lou like they had been caught doing something illicit.

“Just getting Chuck’s files off this computer before the publisher takes it away,” Cal said. “I don’t know how these things work, so I called Gina.”

“I’m really not comfortable with this,” said Lou.

“Why, Lou? What’s your problem?” Gina inquired.

“It’s not that I have a problem, Gina. It’s that this computer isn’t yours to fool around with. It’s property of the magazine.”

“We’re not fooling around with it. I’m just helping Cal retrieve his son’s private files.”

“They’re not private. Not if they’re on a computer that doesn’t belong to him. You need to talk to the publisher about this.”

“Well, I don’t have time to help him later, so I have to do it now. What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is that I’m not comfortable with this. You can’t come into my house and start taking things that don’t belong to you.”

“They’re not for me! They’re for Cal!”

“All the same.”

“It’s not all the same. Cal should have a right to his son’s stuff.”

“I don’t disagree with that. But that’s between Cal and the publisher and me.”

“Why you?”

“Because it’s my house, Gina.”

“Hold on a second, Gina,” Cal said. He walked to the office doorway where Lou was standing. “This is my fault. I don’t want to cause any problems. If you say we should talk to the publisher, then that’s what we’ll do.”

“I think that’s best, Cal, thanks. You say he’ll be by later tonight? I’ll call him and make sure he does come by. Let him know what’s going on.”

Gina began transferring files faster.

“Gina, please stop what you’re doing.”

“Why are you being such a fucking asshole about this?”

“Okay. You need to leave.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“I was trying to be reasonable about this, but you clearly don’t want that, so please, leave.”

“I’m here because Cal wanted my help.”

“I don’t care. I can help Cal. And this isn’t Cal’s house to invite people into. It’s my house. And I didn’t invite you. And since you’re being rude, I’d like you to leave.”

“Fuck you, Lou!”

“Look, I get that you’re upset and that you want to do the right thing. But you’re a little late for that. You should have tried being more supportive before he died. Now give me my house key and get out.”

She stood up and took the key off of her key ring and threw it at Lou, just barely missing his head. It chipped the paint and made a small dent in the drywall.

“You’re a fucking asshole, Lou Bergman!”

“And you’re trespassing on my property.” He took out his phone. “You have until I count to 10 to get out of my house, into your car and drive away, or I’m calling the cops to have you arrested.”

“Maybe you should go,” Cal said. “I’ll give you a call later.”

She stormed out of the office and screamed, “Fuck you!” right in Lou’s face as she passed. The three men watched her get into her car from the office window and peel off down the street.

“I’m sorry about that,” Cal said.

“It’s fine,” said Lou. He was impressed with himself that he didn’t scream back. Perhaps one of the benefits of being emotionally numb.

✶

THE FOLLOWING MORNING, Cal and R.J. had the U-Haul loaded, and all of Chuck’s things were out of the house. Cal replaced the dead battery in Chuck’s car and poured a little gas into the tank from a container he picked up at the gas station. He was going to drive the car his son died in all the way back to Indiana. Lou thought the idea morbidly pathetic.

“You plan on fixing the broken window?” Lou asked Cal before he took off.

“Oh, yeah. I suppose I ought to have that looked at before we get too far.”

“I imagine you’ll sell the thing once you get home, huh?”

“Nah. I’ll hang onto it. Help me remember my son.”

Sadness makes people do the strangest things.

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part VIII Part IX Part X Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33

#Bildungsroman #Hope Idiotic #Fiction #Chicago Fiction #David Himmel Fiction #David Himmel Novel #David Himmel Author #Dark Humor #Carbon Monoxide Poisoning

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itsfinancethings · 5 years

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Lori Alhadeff is haunted by the fact that she did not send her 14-year-old daughter to school with a bulletproof backpack. The mother of three had wanted to buy one but never got around to it. By Feb. 14, 2018, it was too late. Her first child, Alyssa, was fatally shot trying to hide under a classroom table at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla. “I wish to this day that I did give that protection to Alyssa. It could have saved her life,” Alhadeff says. “Obviously, I regret that.”

After the massacre, which killed 16 others, Alhadeff bought bulletproof backpacks for her two sons, who are now 14 and 12. “I have peace in my heart for my two boys, at least, that I’m doing everything in my power to protect them,” says Alhadeff, who won’t let her sons go to school without the backpacks.

With more than 69 people killed so far in mass shootings in the U.S. in 2019, thousands of Americans like Alhadeff are seeking security through an explosion of products marketed to those scared of being shot or of losing loved ones to gun violence. Backpacks that double as shields are sold by major department stores, including Home Depot and Bed, Bath & Beyond. There are bulletproof hoodies for children as young as 6; protective whiteboards and windows; armored doors and anchors designed to keep shooters out of classrooms; and smart cameras powered by artificial intelligence that alert authorities to threats. In Fruitport, Mich., officials are building a $48 million high school specially designed to deter active shooters, with curved walls to reduce a shooter’s line of sight, bulletproof windows and a special locking system.

In 2017, U.S. schools spent at least $2.7 billion on security systems, and that’s on top of the money spent by individuals on things like bulletproof backpacks, the IHS Markit consulting firm reported. Five years ago, in 2014, the figure was about $768 million, IHS said. But school shootings haven’t decreased in frequency, and critics of the growing industry in bullet-resistant items say the only beneficiaries of these so-called security measures are the people making money off of them.

“These companies are capitalizing on parents’ fears,” says Shannon Watts, a mother of five who founded the gun control advocacy group Moms Demand Action following the 2012 Sandy Hook massacre that killed 20 first-graders and six educators.

In September, as students were returning to school, Sandy Hook Promise, a gun violence prevention nonprofit led by family members of Sandy Hook victims, released a video that used biting satire to highlight the bulletproof industry and the country’s failure to prevent mass shootings. It shows cheerful children returning for classes and using their new clothes and back-to-school supplies to save themselves and others from a shooter. One boy shows off his new skateboard, then uses it to smash a window and escape; a girl demonstrates how her new socks can be used to tie a tourniquet; another uses her jacket to lock a set of double-doors. The message is clear: these shootings should be prevented before kids get to the point of using tube socks to save classmates from bleeding to death.

Survive the school year with these must-have #BackToSchool essentials. https://t.co/9KgxAQ0KGz This PSA contains graphic content related to school shootings & may be upsetting to some viewers. If you feel this subject matter may be difficult for you, you may choose not to watch. pic.twitter.com/5ijYMtXRTy

— Sandy Hook Promise (@sandyhook) September 18, 2019

But with efforts at gun control legislation stalled as the Senate refuses to take up a House-passed bill that would require background checks for private gun sales, even critics of the booming security industry concede it’s unlikely to slow down. “There’s not a parent in the country who isn’t worried that their child will be the next victim of gun violence,” Watts says.

According to the Gun Violence Archive, there have been more than 330 mass shootings—in which at least four people other than the shooter were injured or killed—so far this year in the United States. This summer alone, 31 people were killed in back-to-back mass shootings in El Paso, Texas and Dayton, Ohio and another 10 died in attacks in Gilroy, Calif. and Odessa, Texas. In the aftermath of each tragedy, companies saw striking growth in profits. “It’s a business fueled by fear,” says Sean Burke, president of the School Safety Advocacy Council, which works with school districts and police departments.

TuffyPacks, an online retailer selling ballistic shields that are inserted into backpacks, reported up to a 500% increase in sales after the shootings in El Paso and Dayton in early August, which coincided with back-to-school shopping season. “Every time shootings occur, we see spikes in sales,” says TuffyPacks CEO Steve Naremor, 63, of Houston, Texas, who insists his company’s $129 inserts are no different from other safety equipment, like fire extinguishers and bicycle helmets. Guard Dog Security, a competing company that sells bulletproof backpacks that weigh up to 4.5 pounds and can cost up to $299, couldn’t keep up with the orders. “They were selling out faster than we could get it back in stock,” says Yasir Sheikh, its 34-year-old CEO. Sheikh—who like Naremor declined to disclose revenue figures—launched his company in 2009 but didn’t see a huge demand until Sandy Hook.

The demand that follows mass shootings prompted Vy Tran, 25, to quit her job and use $100,000 in savings and retirement funds to start selling homemade bulletproof hoodies. Her company, Wonder Hoodie, began as a side business, which she launched after her next-door neighbor, a mother of two, was shot dead in their Seattle neighborhood during an attempted robbery in 2016.

Panicked after the killing, Tran says she searched online for body armor to protect her mother and younger brother, but the products she found were either too expensive or too heavy. So Tran, a health and safety consultant, decided to make them herself, using Kevlar that she ordered online. Tran was making an average of one or two hoodies a week until 58 people were killed at a Las Vegas music festival on Oct. 1, 2017 in the worst mass shooting in modern history. Sales spiked, and there were suddenly 10 to 15 requests pouring in every day.

Courtesy: Vy TranVy Tran in one of her bulletproof Wonder Hoodies

“I couldn’t keep up with the orders,” says Tran, who hired a team to help her. Wonder Hoodie has since fulfilled almost 1,000 orders for hoodies that cost up to $600 and weigh up to 9 pounds.

It’s not just young and new CEOs leaping into the growing field of gun safety products, and the merchandise isn’t all body armor. Chris Ciabarra and Lisa Falzone of Austin, Texas, launched Athena Security, a smart camera system, after they sold their first tech startup for $500 million in 2017. Athena’s software detects 900 different types of guns and can send an alert and video feed to law enforcement if it senses a threatening movement, like someone pointing a gun, according to Ciabarra. More than 40 schools, malls and businesses in the U.S. use Athena’s software, which charges $100 a month for each camera it monitors. Since schools and malls typically have 100 cameras building-wide, Athena could make more than $100,000 a year monitoring just one school. The weapons detection program has been installed in one of the two New Zealand mosques where a suspected white supremacist opened fire in March, killing 51 worshippers. After the massacre, New Zealand’s prime minister banned assault weapons. But that’s not likely to happen in the United States, says Ciabarra. Even presidential candidates during the fourth Democratic debate Tuesday night couldn’t seem to agree on how to manage assault weapons. Rep. Beto O’Rourke and South Bend, Ind. Mayor Pete Buttigieg clashed on the best way to get the weapons off the streets, whether by banning the sale of assault weapons or also instating mandatory buyback programs.

“We’re not going to change the law and forbid guns. It’s not going to happen,” Ciabarra says. “People will have weapons.”

Jason Connolly—AFP/Getty ImagesAA teacher takes part in an active shooter drill during a firearms course for teachers and administrators in Commerce City, Colorado on June 28, 2018.

When Mike Lahiff, a former Navy Seal, launched ZeroEyes, a competing gun-detection system based in Philadelphia, he and his team of fellow veterans saw it as a continued service to the country. Lahiff, a 38-year-old father of four, hopes the U.S. will find a way to reduce gun violence and put him out of business. “If the active shooter problem goes away, and that’s the end of the company, then great,” he says, “that’s a win for me.”

***

While mass tragedies spark surges in sales, most of the bulletproof products on the market today, including backpacks and hoodies, would not withstand the force of the assault-style weapons commonly used in high-casualty attacks. Killers used assault-style weapons in the Sandy Hook and Parkland school shootings, as well as in El Paso and Dayton. The products would, however, protect against most handguns—the weapon of choice in the majority of U.S. gun murders in 2018, according to newly released FBI data. Handguns were used in nearly 65% of the roughly 10,000 gun murders that year, while rifles were used in about 3% of the cases, statistics show.

But spending hundreds of dollars on a hoodie or backpack is not a viable option for many people, particularly those living in lower-income neighborhoods plagued by gun violence. In St. Louis, for example—which has the highest murder rate among major cities in the nation, according to FBI data—more than 65,000 people are living below poverty, and the median household income is about $44,000, according to estimates by the U.S. Census Bureau. Even across the nation, many Americans are not prepared to handle a sudden expense of $400 or more, like replacing a broken car engine or visiting an emergency room without insurance, according to a recent report by the Federal Reserve. Nearly 30% would have to borrow or sell something to pay for the expense, and 12% would not be able to cover the expense at all, the report says.

NICHOLAS KAMM—AFP/Getty ImagesBulletproof whiteboards and backpack inserts at the Hardwire factory in Pocomoke City, Maryland, on March 1, 2018.

Bulletproof products may make consumers feel safer, but they may be putting people in more danger, according to school safety experts like Michael Dorn, a former police chief for the Bibb County School District in Georgia who’s now the executive director of Safe Havens International, a nonprofit that advises schools on security. Dorn worries that in a shooting situation, students with bulletproof backpacks may expose themselves to greater risk by standing in place and holding up their packs for protection instead of running away. “A focus on the armor could result in death because people don’t focus instead on things they need to do like lock a door,” says Dorn.

The products may also be distracting officials and parents from focusing on long-term solutions to gun violence, like adequate training and stronger gun laws, critics say. School districts investing in these products are doing so, in many cases, knowing they’re not real fixes, according to Ken Trump, a school safety expert and president of the consulting firm National School Safety and Security Services. “They rely on the hardware, the technology, the gadgets, so they can focus less on the human side,” he says.

Researchers have found some evidence that so-called red flag laws, which allow courts to take guns away from potentially dangerous people, may help stop mass shootings. A recent study by the University of California Davis School of Medicine cited 21 cases in which such a law in California was used to help prevent potential mass shootings in the state. The measure exists in 16 other states and Washington, D.C.

Rather than buy body armor or conduct active shooter training drills, school officials and parents should focus more on early intervention strategies, including student-threat assessments and better student supervision, according to gun control advocates and safety experts. Dorn, who has an 11-year-old son, says he wouldn’t let his child carry a bulletproof product to school, even if it was free. “I teach him how to be alert and react rather than rely on something that’s so statistically unlikely to do any good,” he says.

Alhadeff knows the backpacks she bought for her sons are only the last layer of protection. To improve safety in other ways, she launched a national nonprofit, Make Our Schools Safe, and won a seat on the local school board, where she’s pushed for legislation to make schools safer. In February, New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy enacted “Alyssa’s Law,” named for Alhadeff’s daughter, which requires every public elementary and secondary school in the state to install a silent panic alarm button. When pressed, the alarm would immediately alert local law enforcement, reducing emergency response times. On Oct. 4, a bipartisan version of the bill was introduced in Congress.

“Before the shooting, my biggest fear was whether my children would do well on their tests,” Alhadeff says. “It’s sad and unfortunate that our society has come to this.”

#IFTTT #Blogger

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