#so let's traumatise as many people as I can so I leave my mark on this world!

[mizutori-heiko]

Mizutori’s bakudeku fanfiction master list [complete works]

Really really good writing by these incredible authors. In no particular order! These are all Top!Bakugou and Bottom!Deku. If A/B/O dynamics then it’s Alpha!Bakugou and Omega!Deku. Yes, I have preferences.

Canon World – until 15k

What The Fuck Did You Just Call Me? by reading_raindrop | 8,303 | Izuku starts calling him Bakugou and it pisses the explosive teen off a lot more than he thought it would.

Oh right, you were a little sh*t by SaysiWrites | 5,653 | When Midoriya Izuku gets hit by an age-reversion Quirk, the last thing anyone expected to find out is that Toddler-Izuku is a little shit. Except for one Bakugou Katsuki, who has seen this phase one too many times already. (Bonus+ the entire Little Sh*t (Kidfic) series)

Do Not Disturb by surveycorpsjean | 10,010 | Apply enough force, and something is bound to break.

And Atlas fell by supercrunch | 15,185 | They move in together, after a while. Katsuki joins Best Jeanist and Izuku trains under Gran Torino. They still take comfort in each other every day, curl up in bed and kiss and talk about how life is going. Their live are tumultuous, after all, what with villains and training and rescuing people every week. It’s nice to have something certain. At the end of a day filled with violence and adrenaline, Izuku knows he can come home to someone concrete. It’s perfect. Being a hero is scary and grueling and uncertain, but this part is just right. And then, one day, a child dies in Izuku’s arms.

be loved by bonnia | 5,403 | The kidnapping incident leaves bakugou traumatised about being touched on the back of his neck, and midoriya decides to take matters into his own hands.

Big Protein by Mysecretfanmoments | 13,683 | Bakugou Katsuki has a thriving hero career, an agent to manage his famous attitude, and absolutely zero romantic interest in anyone. With the exception of his favourite health food joint refusing to expand to his city, his life is pretty damn perfect—so why does a viral video revealing Deku's stash of dirty mags involving him and Deku together turn everything upside-down?

Chocolate cake and resin preserved flowers by Anoksun | 11,396 | Izuku loses his memories. Katsuki struggles not to lose Izuku too.

Twin Stars by theperksofbeinglarissa | 8,435 | When Deku saves a woman's life, her quirk is accidentally activated. Her quirk? She reveals a person's soulmate. A star-shaped mark appears on Midoriya's left arm... and on Bakugou's as well. Kirishima is the only one who knows that Bakugou is Midoriya's soulmate, and Bakugou isn't taking the news very well. Can the twin stars of class 1-A work out their differences and find their happy ending?

Unhealthy Fixations by Thesis | 12,522 | Izuku is an adult who knows better than to crush on his childhood bully. AND YET.

Like the Moon by osakakitty | 14,781 | Katsuki Bakugo is having constant, erotic dreams about Izuku Midoriya. He isn’t sure why, but they won’t go away. In order to make them stop, he needs to figure out what Izuku Midoriya means to him.

Worth a Second Shot by cinnabee | 13,080 | Katsuki and Izuku celebrate registering as a Hero Duo together with a big party. What could go wrong?

Like Something Out of A Shoujo Manga by Merrywetherweather | 2,971 | Deku ends up in a rather interesting quirk accident, one that triggers flag events as if he were the protagonist of an otome game.

Canon World – 15k++

Blood Moon by lalazee | 94,860 | The Thank-Fuck-We-Aren’t-Dead Sex had started then, and had never really stopped. Then came the feelings and the fights. The ego, the pride, the jealousy. And then there was Us.

The Way You Used To Do by edema_ruh | 669,463 | During a battle, Midoriya gets hit by a villain whose quirk detaches his soul from his body. Stuck in a ghost-like state, the boy enters a race against time in order to save himself from permanently dying. Much to his luck - or lack of it -, the only person who can see and talk to him in this state is no one other than Kacchan.

Just Like Breathing by MD_Daydreamer | 35,423 | Izuku got engaged. He didn't mind. If that made Uraraka happy, he could do it. He thought his life wouldn't change much.But then, Kacchan went to live in the USA.

briar roses (and hundred years of sleep) by vannral | 15,951 | In which Izuku is hit by a ‘Sleeping Beauty’ Quirk, Class 3-A tries to find his True Love and get them to kiss him, and Katsuki’s very angry about it all.

"what's your type?" by sapphicflower | 20,192 | In order to increase their popularity rankings as up and coming pro heroes, Izuku and Katsuki participate in the most popular late night talk show for hero duos - ‘Heroes Rising!’. They’re killing it, obviously, because they know each other from inside and out. Until one question stumps the two of them: “What is your hero partner’s type?”

and it was Just Right by cinnabee | 23,759 | Katsuki spends two years post-graduation in a furious one-sided competition with his childhood friend and rival's promotional photos - until they finally run into each other, and, well. You shouldn't believe everything you see in magazines. A love story about size differences.

Notice Me, Nerd by useless_donut | 40,000 | Bakugou is in love with Midoriya. He doesn’t hide it, in fact it’s so painfully obvious that the entire class of 3-A has him figured out in a matter of months (days, in some cases). Too bad Midoriya is the most oblivious motherfucker out there, and Bakugou is too damn stubborn to actually ask him out. A love story as witnessed by the class of 3-A.

in your dreams, nerd! by sapphicflower | 37,639 | In a strange and unexpected set of circumstances, Izuku and Katsuki find themselves sharing their dreams together whenever they happen to fall asleep at the same time. Being hopelessly in love with each other, they don’t mind it all that much. What better way to spend time with your crush than in a stupidly vivid dream?

Hear Me by my_name_is_Levi | 22,419 | It wasn’t as if nightmares were uncommon for the freshman class of Yuuei. They’d seen plenty of things, heard and felt and witnessed enough travesty in their lives to last them a lifetime. But Midoriya Izuku was screaming, and no one, not even Bakugo Katsuki could ignore it.

Bridges by supercrunch | 18,018 | Bakugou is signed up for a Calvin Klein modeling gig. The thing is, they really do need the money. And Katsuki's technically the leader of this bunch of morons, so he finds himself taking the job even though his pride will never recover. And even though nobody thought to tell him that he'd be working with his ex-boyfriend. You know, the cute freckled guy from high school who went and broke his heart. So, yeah. This whole situation kind of sucks.

objective truth by mamalade | 15,390 | Izuku gets hit with a truth quirk, as one does. He seems to be handling it well—until Katsuki shows up.

catharsis by dollcewrites | 15,071 | It's been six years since Izuku graduated.It's been six years since he confessed to his childhood friend; his classmate and his inspiration. It's been six years since he deleted Bakugou's number, asked his friends not to mention the name, spent every last effort of his heart turning off the TV and averting his eyes from the newspapers. It's been six, long, long years since he gave up on Katsuki Bakugou ever loving him back.

Here here, my friends and me (You are my familia) by Jeka | 128,832 | Bakugou Katsuki has made a great job of ignoring the fact that he is tragically in love with Deku, someone who could never love him like that and let's face it, he doesn't deserve. Now that he can't ignore it anymore, he has to find a way to keep his childhood friend and move on for his own sake. Or so he had thought, maybe he can have Deku, after all. Izuku has everything he always wanted in life. But suddenly he has to navigate the most important relationship in his life through different eyes.

Canon World – Jealous! 

Hands Off by SaysiWrites | 7,140 | When a new girl at school starts flirting with Bakugou, his friends quickly become invested in the idea of their friend experiencing love - even if he doesn't seem at all interested in her. What they don't see is Midoriya fuming in the background. But how can he get rid of her when they've spent so long keeping their relationship a secret?

Surfaces by surveycorpsjean | 25,225 | Katsuki has a new girlfriend, but something isn't right. As impossible as it is, Izuku can't help but wonder what it'd be like to be called Katsuki's girl.

Green-Eyed Beast by SecretKiwi | 4,721 | Everyone wants a piece of Katsuki Bakugou, but they should beware of the Green-eyed beast always lurking close behind him.

Green with Envy by Sol_Morales707 | 2,611 | Izuku Midoriya is not as innocent and pure as everyone thinks he is. The truth was he was very jealous and willing to do anything for a certain blonde.

Happy Camper by Arysa | 7,074 | Wanting a break from the stress of dealing with the rookie Pro Hero grind, a handful of students from Class A decide to go on a camping trip. Izuku's excited to relax and catch up with everyone, especially Kacchan. But, well, Kacchan's... Kacchan. And dating Kirishima.

How to stop time: kiss by Teddingtons | 31,693 | Deku finally asks Uraraka out. Everyone's supportive except Bakugou who can't even look him in the eye. Deku seeks him out after and is hit with truth.

What I Deserve by s_the_queen | 16,671 | When Izuku starts dating a student in General Studies, everyone is happy for him. She's super sweet and really caring. But something doesn't sit right with Katsuki.

Deku's Already Fucking Taken by asdfjkl129 | 20,704 | 5 times people don't realize that Deku is already in a very happy relationship and try their hand at asking him out, and then in Bakugou's unique and special style, get very firmly corrected, +1 time where no correction is needed.

His by sister_elric | 6,206 | Izuku would like to consider himself a pretty level headed individual. Sure, he had the occasional tunnel vision, especially when it came to training. And hero work. And Kacchan. But, overall, Midoriya felt as though he typically kept his cool. Well, maybe that was a stretch. But, at the very least he could understand his own emotions. So, it surprised even him when an unfamiliar emotion coursed through him as a first year approached his boyfriend, Katsuki.

Down the Red Line by MinervaHope | 7,804 | Izuku has been able to see the red strings of fate since birth. It's no surprise that his is connected to Katsuki.

Canon World – Fake Relationship Goes Wrong

how he should’ve known (and how it turned out) by vannral | 43,918 | In which Katsuki and Izuku pretend to be a couple to avoid journalists, the plan backfires magnificently because of course it does, and the act goes on. Includes feelings, pining, domestic fluff and jealousy.

Vicious by feelslikefire | 105,173 | Midoriya and Bakugou wind up in the very last position either of them thought they'd be in: Hero Partners. It's not fun, but they learn to cope. Their first big assignment together takes them undercover to infiltrate a cult, but the situation turns out far more sinister than they first thought.

What I can never tell you by Mikacrispy | 27,067 | After living in the US for 5 years, Izuku returns to take care of a concussed Bakugou who believes they're engaged. Now, Izuku has to pretend he's in a relationship with the man he's loved for most of his life, knowing that it's just a matter of time until Katsuki gets better and realizes it's all a lie.

Not-Dating by MiraChaDoodles | 14,290 | Katsuki takes Deku on a not-date to save his career, only to find himself wishing it were real.

we'll do the things that lovers do by ethereals | 29,544 | Izuku gets an invitation to Shouto's wedding and Katsuki is PISSED that he asks Kirishima to be his date (also he wasn't even fucking invited

Canon World – Friends With Benefits (?) 

Four Times Bakugou Katsuki Doesn't Intend to Sleep With Midoriya Izuku (And the One Time that He Does) by fallingraine85 | 17,601 | He hadn’t planned for any of this. He isn’t about to go delving into the ball of yarn that is Midoriya Izuku’s heart; he isn’t equipped to try and untangle and make sense of it all. He isn’t about to try to analyze how he’s feeling about all of this, either.... How many times can you repeat the same mistake?

We Wear Chains on the Weekend by surveycorpsjean | 35,086 | Well, in a day of revelations, it turns out that Izuku isn't as vanilla as Katsuki previously thought. Unfortunately, that fascinating discovery is overshadowed by Izuku's dumbassery, because he has zero concept of aftercare."Don't go to anyone else," Katsuki says, because screw it. He can do a better job anyways. Or; Katsuki finds Izuku on a bad drop.

Just for Now by Shiro_Kabocha | 48,135 | Katsuki's parents are out of town over a school break and to keep him from getting up to any shenanigans, they ask Izuku to house sit with him. What are two teenaged boys to do when left alone to their own devices? (Bonus+ the entire Just for Love series)

safe in the darkness by yoonskisses | 20,855 | Izuku and Katsuki had been meeting up secretly for months, with absolutely no feelings involved. Or so Katsuki thought at least. The dorm gossip about Ochaco and Izuku's new relationship seemed to set a spanner in the works for their arrangement.

Alternative Universe – No Quirks

Bluebird by EtherealBeing | 53,108 | Dialing a wrong number was no unusual occurrence. Everyone did it once in a while, and Katsuki was well aware of that fact. However, possessing this knowledge made it no less aggravating for him to discover — a full two minutes into his rant about his day — that he’d been venting his frustrations to a complete stranger. As if that wasn't enough, said stranger was also inexplicably determined to hear his story to its end.

Someone Borrowed by mynameis152 | 138,996 | It felt like hours that he stared at Izuku, coming to terms with the fact that a man, his childhood best friend, whom he hadn’t seen since their senior year of high school, was there in front of his very eyes. Then his brows furrowed and his jaw clenched before he uttered through gritted teeth the very name Izuku had longed to hear for years. “Deku.”

Dark Side of the Sun by Synnie | 51,598 | Staying up too late playing video games, Kirishima wasn't expecting to get an urgent call begging for help. Next thing he knew, he was letting his classmate Izuku Midoriya take refuge in his apartment - without consulting his always angry roommate.

Manage Me by Justaperson1718 | 10,756 | Izuku becomes Katsuki’s model agent.

Don't Set Your Drink Down by Crandberrycrush | 88,424 | With sudden clarity Izuku realized he had broken the first rule of going out. Never leave your drink unattended.

Livewire by pretty_rekless | 18,160 | Per Ochako's request, Izuku downloads a gay dating app in hopes to finally find a partner. Except every single one of his leads keep ghosting him or standing him up... That is until one hot, fiery blond enters the chat. Grindr/Tinder AU fic.

Drinking Watermelon by warschach | 8,906 | Katsuki works as a camp counselor, and Izuku is a boy made of summer heat and sunlight.

Precious Pet by Mikacrispy | 6,379 | When broke college student Midoriya Izuku found a job that offered lodging, food, and good pay for four hours of work each day, he thought it was too good to be true. But he called anyway. Turns out all he has to do is to be the spoiled little puppy of a rich businessman.

Our Eleven Summers by Dark_Mage_Ayumu | 34,472 | The first time Katsuki met Izuku was when he was eight. For the next eleven years, Izuku changed his life, and no one even knew. Their relationship was something they shared in secret.

sticky note crushes by ladyofsnails | 3,239 | Katsuki hates his roommate. The green-haired, freckled, artsy son of a bitch with his dumb pun t-shirts and paint-stained hands he can’t fucking keep to himself. Katsuki can’t leave a single assignment or paper out in his room because that idiot will just grab anything to draw on it. He’s like a shark that can’t stop swimming else it’ll die – he can’t stop drawing. Ever.

Don't Play Pretend by SweetSide | 10,103 | Actor AU: Deku and Bakugou get the leading roles for an upcoming TV Drama. They weren’t aware that they would be working with each other for who knows how long. It would’ve been completely fine if they weren’t exes.

97.6 FM by jamjars | 32,249 | Izuku can’t stop listening to the radio host with the deep voice who sounds like he’s stuck in 2010. It’s a harmless crush. That is until he starts calling into the show under the pseudonym Deku.

Read {between} Your Lines by greatcloudninja | 52,252 | Midoriya Izuku, up-and-coming actor, has finally hit his big break (...), Bakugou Katsuki, who has been acting for over twenty years.However, Bakugou seems to have it out for Izuku, leading to tension both on and off set. When some incriminating photos surface, the studio suggests (...): having Bakugou and Midoriya fake a relationship to get ahead of the rumors. 

I’m not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts by PassingShadow | 5,522 | Izuku is a professional cuddler and Katsuki is his new client that’s just a little rough around the edges, and needs a natural healing touch.

Alternative Universe – Quirkless Deku

A Good Old-Fashioned Tattoo AU by lalazee | 14,437 | After their paths had split, Bakugou & Deku meet again as adults. While Bakugou begins to repent for the kid he used to be, he also starts to prove himself as he the man he is now.

Call Me a Safe Bet (I'm Betting I'm Not) by WTTTD | 10,803 | He wished he had some sort of heads up before seeing Deku again for the first time after nearly two years, looking like the essence of a lazy Sunday, smiling and surrounded with brand new, adoring friends. It was a little fitting that Katsuki burned for him so badly. (Support Department Deku)

In Which Kacchan Has a Ruff Time by OneshotPrincess | 14,511 | Bakugou Katsuki gets quirked into a dog, gets adopted by an unknowing Izuku and generally has a very rough few days full of realizations

While You Were Sleeping by Belkacaramelka (annabelleg) | 71,197 | The one where quirkless fanboy Midoriya Izuku rescues Pro Hero Todoroki Shouto, gets mistaken as his fiancé while he is in a coma, and gets caught up in the most unlikely fake engagement... until his childhood enemy and Todoroki's classmate Bakugou Katsuki tries to catch him out, and they both end up discovering a lot more about each other than they'd expected.

Let Me Assist You Personally by Seeress | 32,806 | Izuku is long-suffering Personal Assistant to #1 Pro Hero Dynamight.Dynamight can't keep a PA to save his career. They all quit crying after a few days weeks. Enter, Izuku—with enough money problems to brave the jaws of the cranky beast. Childhood friend turned glorified paid slave. Somehow it all works out. ‘Kill them with kindness’, his mom had told him once. If that were true, Bakugou Katsuki would be stone-cold dead by now.

Smile For The Camera by kurokonekokilled | 19,179 | Midnight has a cam site, home to millions of users, but one catches Katsuki's eye when he goes scrolled through it in search for something to help him release a little stress. A live stream and the best orgasm of his life later, his wallet is lighter, and he might be almost as obsessed with this Deku guy as the cam boy is with him.

Just Like The Comics by brichibi | 24,935 | Where Izuku works at a comic book shop because that’s as close to a hero as he’s gonna get, and Katsuki plays the part of heroic ex-boyfriend who is good at everything except winning Izuku back... maybe

Alternative Universe – Quirks

Get on my Level by Mikacrispy | 92,273 | Bakugou Katsuki is a Pro Hero whose boss demands him to take an intern. Midoriya Izuku is a UA student who needs an internship. When the two of them are put together, they learn about what it truly means to be a Hero and what it means to be in love.

A/B/O – Secret! Baby

Home by Emerald2402 | 87,214 | Midoriya Izuku left Japan in a rush, moving to America without a word to anyone else. But then almost 11 years later he arrives back Home and Bakugou Katsuki's Alpha is furious. Fuck that, Bakugou is furious, because Midoriya Izuku, an omega he tasted one time, has been keeping a very big, very blonde haired, green eyed secret.

Those Under the Same Stars by PerpetuallyPerturbed | 325,553 | When Katsuki Bakugo left Izuku Midoriya five years ago, he thought it was for forever. He put aside dreams and wishes of the omega to focus on his career. He was going to be the best hero, after all. He couldn't have an omega getting in his way. So when he's stopped on the streets one day by a pup begging for help for his mom, he isn't prepared to face what he gave up, and what the consequences of his actions were. (Quirkless Deku)

A/B/O – Quirks

Mark Me. Make Me Yours. by decadentbynature | 10,062 | Midoriya is the only Omega at UA and he's been hiding it well but there's one issue that threatens to expose him: his attraction to an Alpha, Bakugo. After being told to give some paperwork to Bakugo, Midoriya lets him into his dorm room and is immediately overwhelmed by his scent. Unable to help himself, he gives in to his urges, only to be discovered by Bakugo but instead of becoming enraged, Bakugo decides to give Midoriya exactly what he wants

Claim Me by ScientificallySinful (VampireGaaraCheesepuffs) | 114,449 | Being an Alpha has nothing to do with Katsuki's success as a Pro-Hero, the same way Deku's Omega status hasn't kept him from becoming Number Two. Secondary gender doesn't mean anything nowadays and “mating” is an antiquated practice. So when Izuku, his rival, asks Katsuki to Claim him in the middle of the night, there is only one logical thing to say. “What the fuck?”

Change of Plans by Mikacrispy | 185,965 | Alpha Pro Hero Bakugou Katsuki never planned to get married to some random omega but what he wants isn't an option anymore. One for All wielder Midoriya Izuku has suffered injustice too many times and doesn't plan in allowing his secondary gender to dictate how he must live his life. Falling in love was never in the plans.

Going Feral For You by ANGIE_fic | 17,977 | Bakugou has an aggression problem that might have to do with his Alpha. His job is on the line because of it. So what do you do with a pent up Alpha? Yes.Rut. (Quirkless Izuku)

i live for you, i long for you by jeonjeonggukkkkkie | 19,165 | The five times Izuku hinted he wants Katsuki to spend his next heat with him, and the one time Katsuki took the hint.

Baby's First Bloom by ContraryBee | 44,945 | Izuku blooms for Katsuki one warm day in their third year of middle school. What follows is both boys learning about themselves, their bond, and the society they live in.

As Fate Would Have It by ScientificallySinful (VampireGaaraCheesepuffs) | 88,737 | Katsuki Bakugo had plenty of reasons why he wasn't mated yet, not that he was going to explain why to just anyone. But now, Ground Zero was running out of time. If he didn't find someone soon, he'd lose his position as a Pro-Hero and he'd never get to be #1. So, when he finds out there's a male Omega recently arrested for prostitution that's headed to prison if he too doesn't get a mate…well it must be fate. (Quirkless Izuku)

A/B/O – No Quirks

Gravity by warschach | 71,477 | Izuku is back in his hometown and plenty hasn't changed much from the 8 years he was gone. Except, Katsuki Bakugou, the alpha king of their small town. He's hotter- because that's fair, right, God? -, stronger, a now-famous pro fighter, and noticeably nicer this round.Not that he cares, pfft. (Fine, he cares.)

Nine Months by greatcloudninja | 23,303 | Omega Midoriya Izuku connects with Alpha Bakugou Katsuki through an online singles ad. Izuku pays Katsuki to help him with his heat, ending up pregnant in the process. What follows is a pregnancy filled with ups and downs, but whatever hurdles come their way, they can make it through together.

The long dark by Ominous-Anonymous (Ominonymous) | 13,289 | He could have been really dangerous. He could be a fucking murderer for all he knew. But Izuku Midoriya, ever the reckless daredevil, was not thinking of that when he got into a car with a complete stranger. Completely ignoring the part where his mother always taught him to never gets into cars with alphas he didn't know...

[the-rose-owl]

*eyes snap open at 3 am* I want to discuss Anti headcanons

[damn-stark]

Return of the cub pt.1

Isaac Lahey x reader

Requested by anon “Can u please do a teen wolf imagine where y/n is a hale sister who was in the fire and peter helped her get out but when she did get out she got taken by Gerard and she had been kept with him being tortured by him for 6 years (and obviously she’s assumed to be dead by Derek and peter)and it’s at the end of season 2 where everyone is in that wherehouse place and Gerard says something like “Derek I believe I have something that belongs to you” and brings her out and she’s weak and tied up and stuff and his reaction and maybe peters to to seeing her alive again. And maybe it could be in a few parts where it’s the start of season 3 (no Cora in this)and how she has been adjusting obviously she is pretty traumatised and angry so only really talks to a few people Derek, Peter, isaac and boyd but Scott being the sweetheart he is is trying to help her too but she is wary as he hangs around with Allison and she obviously has a strong hatred for Argents and doesn’t trust Allison at all or Scott cause he dated her and maybe when y/n goes back to school Derek tells Scott and stiles to keep Allison away from her or else she might attack her or something and she is closest to isaac and he actually really likes her and even though she can protect herself he grows protective over her and her over him too.”

Warning- talks of torture, blood, breakdown, ptsd, violence, and some fluff

Episode 2x12

———-

“Uncle Peter, where are you going?” You ask hoarsely as you grab his arm to pull him underground with you.

Said man turns and begins pushing you down into the secret passage that led underground, constantly looking over his shoulder as pained shouts echoed from everywhere in the house. “I’m going to help the rest of our family,” he assures you, “we’ll catch up to you later. Just run.”

You hesitate and inch forward to follow him, but the thick black smoke was stinging your eyes, and overwhelming your lungs, causing you to cough repeatedly and violently. Only urging Peter to keep pushing you down so you could at least have a chance to survive. “Y/N, go! I’m right behind you!”

Peter slowly begins to close the hatch over you and shares one last assuring look before the tunnel is basked in darkness, leaving you to try and use what you could of your heightened vision to try and see through the smoke that had gathered within the tunnel, since you couldn’t transform. It was so thick that your vision was barely working, not only that but your concentration to get out safely was not fully there, it was clouded and mixed with the worry for your family. You wanted to go back and help as well, to stop the screams you heard pound in your ears and ache your heart, but you had to listen to your uncle Peter, to your mother and Derek, who all urged you to leave them behind for your own safety.

Perhaps that was a mistake though, traveling alone while you were weak from the injuries you’ve endured, from the smoke that clouded your lungs and mind, because it kept you off guard and inattentive to the different smoke that slowly began to invade the tunnel and mix with the fires smoke. You hadn’t noticed it at first, your clouded mind didn’t register the different smell until your vision began to get impaired and cloud increasingly more, whilst your whole body weakened to the point you were tripping over your own two feet.

At first you thought it was just you not being able to handle the smoke, but everything hurt much more than the fresh burn mark on your legs. You could see the light of the moon shining through at the end of the tunnel, but just as you could reach it you tripped again, this time unable to push yourself up.

“Come on,” you mumble to yourself as you begin to drag yourself forward, feeling your muscles weaken and your body ache increasingly more. “Al-most there.” You let out another harsh cough and feel your fingers dig into the dirt, just inches from the exit, but right as you were going to get out multiple footsteps sounded behind you, a voice not hesitating break the sounds of the distorted screams sounding in your ears. “A wolf's cubs first instinct to do while in danger is to run off and hide, while the mother and the pack stay behind to protect them.” He chuckles and his hand grabs your shoulder to flip you around to face the man you now identified as, Gerard Argent.

“I,” you try to say hoarsely as you try to keep your eyes open, “I haven’t hurt anyone.”

“No,” Gerard says, “but you little cub, have fallen straight into a hunter's trap.” He crouch’s down and grabs you by your neck, making you let out a pained whimper as he lifts you towards him. “And this time neither your mother, nor your pack will be here to come to your rescue.”

*6 YEARS LATER*

“It’s time,” Gerard shares smugly, as he tilts your chin up so you could meet his cold eyes. “To finally have that family reunion you’ve been dreaming of.”

You narrow your gaze and shake your head. “You said they were dead.”

“They are. All except for your uncle Peter and your brother Derek, of course,” Gerard chuckles, stepping back to uncuff you, “and we’re going to pay them a visit.” He pulls out a handful of wolfsbane and blows it towards you so you could fall unconscious. So you can dream again of the family you had lost; not dream of what you went through that night, but the last happy moment you had shared.

It was nice as long as the dreams lasted. But of course there was always that unfortunate moment you had to wake up. This time unlike the past seven years, waking up somewhere different, somewhere loud and brighter.

Your eyes slowly fluttered open, and sounds of groans, grunts, screams and utters of words slowly registered in your ears, just as the smell of blood slowly filtered through your nose. Your mind was barely conscious but Gerard made sure you’d be more awake for his big entrance.

“Not yet sweetheart!” You recognize Gerard warn someone as he dragged you along with him, pulling you away from the shadows and continuing maliciously. “Derek.” Gerard drops you on the ground and kicks you forward so the light will reveal your body and face. “I believe I have something you lost.”

“Y/N!” A voice shouts, making you weakly push yourself up to shift your head and see a tall man with short dark hair, and a beard too match. “Y/N,” he called again, yet you didn’t recognize his face. His eyes though, they were familiar...deeply blue and kind.

“Derek?” You call hoarsely with a smile spreading on your lips.

His eyes widen and you both want to go towards each other, but his arms betray him and make him fall back down to the ground.

“So you can behave,” Gerard taunts Derek. “A gift for what I want from you.”

“Isaac,” Derek shouts, “take her and get her to safety. Before he changes his mind.”

Without hesitance, a boy with light brown hair and kind blue eyes walks up to you, gently grabbing your arm to help you to your feet. “Come on,” he whispers, “I’ll help you.”

You turn your head to meet his gaze and offer him a small smile. “Thank you.”

He returned the smile, and for the first time in a long time you felt a sense of solace, kindness and security.

——

“Hi,” the boy greets you a bit too overly giddy, “I’m Stiles.” He extends his hand to offer it to you with a nervous smile on his face.

You look at him up and down, furrowing your eyebrows as you pick up on an odd emotion that makes you scoff. “And I’m uninterested.”

“Right,” he scoffs as his hand slaps on his leg and his brown eyes turn into a glare. “You're a Hale. Would it ever kill you guys to be nice and happy for once?”

“Almost did,” you retort, “once.” You push past him and try to walk towards a more secluded corner, try to stay away from the sound of beating hearts, and overbearing people that begin to overwhelm you. But they kept coming at you too overly giddy.

“I’m Scott McCall,” he grins sweetly and his jaw only appears to be more crooked. “I just want to let you know that I’m here if you need to help. If you want to go to school, you can go to ours. And if you need any girls to talk to, theirs Alison Argent and...” his words begin to trail off, going through one ear and going out the other as your mind focuses on every sound besides the words coming out of his mouth. It was all overwhelming, all of them, you weren’t used to so many people, or it being so loud anymore. It felt like torture being amongst all these strangers, hearing the sounds of their hearts beating, the sounds of their quiet inhales and soft exhales.

You wanted to focus on the silence, on something comforting, but every other sound invaded your ears; you heard the busy street a couple miles away, the cars honking and their tires on the asphalt, you heard the people miles away, the sounds of birds chirping and it all just pounded in your head, made it spin. You wanted to focus on one thing, but your eyes bounced around the strange room and found nothing familiar, no one familiar you could focus on.

“Where’s Derek?” You mutter, but no one heard you. All you heard was your own breathing beginning to pick up as you began to hyperventilate. “Where’s my uncle Peter? Where’s…” you trail off and everything spins faster, you could feel your claws slowly come out, like your fangs did as your eyes changed into their gold color. Scott’s voice was still registering in the depths of your mind, but it was background noise now. Neither boy noticed your panicked state, not like it was obvious right away.

Not until the sound of a loud beep suddenly going off inside the house set you off, finally letting both boys notice how you were getting, how you grabbed onto the sides of your head while you fell to your knees and began to hyperventilate.

“Hey! Hey!” A different voice slowly seeps in your ears, “what’s wrong with you two idiots?! She’s not used to too much noise yet. You’re overwhelming her! Where’s Derek?!”

Someone grabs your shoulders before they crouch down to reveal to you that it's your uncle Peter trying to calm you down. “Y/N, it’s uncle Peter, just focus on my voice.”

Your eyes lift to look at his familiar blue ones, but all you see is the memory of him when he was helping you escape. That memory haunted you because you always thought it was the last you’d see of him, it was engraved within you and taunted you now with what was real and could be daydreams.

“Y/N—”

“You’re dead,” you mutter, “you’re dead, you’re not real.” You close your eyes and want to wake up, but you’re fully conscious. You can’t find the way to calm down until someone does, the guy that lived with Derek, the same guy that helped you that day Gerard finally brought you out of your cage, Isaac Lahey.

“Hey, y/n, y/n, you’re okay, you’re safe, it’s just us,” he spoke softly, the sound of his soothing voice making you open your eyes to see his blue eyes meet yours, bringing a comfort that felt strange, but assuring.

“Where’s Derek?” Your uncle Derek asks, slightly annoyed by the fact that he was missing.

“Out,” you hear Stiles answer.

“Right,” Peter growls, he continues to stand up and sigh loudly before he doesn’t hesitate to kick them out. “I think it’s time for you all to leave, it’s enough visit time. Come back uhmm, perhaps not anytime soon.”

Both boys protest, but Peter begins to push them out of the house, letting Isaac help you to your feet and continue to try and help you.

“Are you okay?”

“I will be,” you mumble, “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” he reassures you, “it’s going to take time to get used to all this. But I’ll be here to help,” his eyes shift to the door to make sure that your uncle Peter, was still out so he could continue without worrying he’ll get in trouble for speaking and being so close to you. “Trust me I can relate with past trauma, so I’ll be here to help you.”

You meet his eyes and smile softly as you gently grab his shoulder. “Thank you. Really, thank you. Out of everything here, you’re the only thing that feels normal...and I mean that in a good way.” You express a nervous chuckle and slowly slide your hand off his shoulder. “So thanks.”

Isaac smiles and just as he was going to say something he backs away from you a good amount as he hears Derek, and Peter return home.

“I’m sorry I was gone too long,” Derek directs to you as his eyes glance between Isaac and you for a brief second. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” you nod as you walk to sit on the couch. “Thanks to Isaac,” you smile softly.

Your uncle Peter looks at Isaac and tilts his head as he narrows his gaze into a glare. He doesn’t tell him anything, but he makes the boy squirm away into the shadows of the room.

“Anyway,” your uncle Peter slowly says, “can you transform yet?”

You sigh and shake your head, “not yet, not fully.” You look at your hand and watch as you bring your claws out to continue, “I can just transform like the rest of you until I gain more strength.”

“Wh-what do you mean you can’t fully transform?” Isaac queries curiously as he steps towards the light again.

Derek sits beside you looks at Isaac with a knowing smirk and just assures him with a simple cocky answer, “you’ll see soon enough.”

.

.

.

A/N-Their will be maybe two more parts to this request!

[bondsmagii]

The whole tag discourse reminds me of when I was a kid and fanfic was just beginning too be A Thing. At the time I was really into Doctor Who and very new to the internet. I was like, 12 or something. The good old time of fanfic dot net where I would be reading my lil doctor who fanfic and BAM some hardcore BDSM shit would come up. I was genuinely more confused than traumatised. But like, I simply clicked out. Slowly I kinda figured out what tags meant or how to avoid the stuff I wasn't fond of. While that particular experience was really jarring, it taught me important skills on navigating the internet and fiction in general. It also kinda taught me that if there is a door marked PIT TO HELL, you should kinda know what you are going to get if you open it.

I don't think people should need to get bad experiences to learn things, but like... I low-key wish people understood it's not all or nothing. Let kids make mistakes and learn. The internet isn't a safe place, it will never be, and it's better for people to be literate in navigating it than trying to go on the herculean task of making it all a safe bubble.

exactly this. when I first started getting online, fucked up shit was everywhere. you have to look for that shit specifically now, but when I was a teenager it. was. everywhere. a common "prank" was to just send people gore images or to gore websites where there would be absolutely astoundingly horrific things there. I used to be legitimately traumatised by gore and I had a phobia of burns so terrible that seeing graphic images of burns would send me into a complete, legit panic attack. during my daily browsing, I would see gore so often than I got fed up of constantly hyperventilating and I sat myself down and went through every single page of a gore website until I had desensitised myself enough that it no longer triggered such a reaction in me. it's fucked up that I had to do that, but I wanted to continue browsing and I wanted to do it in peace. it was up to me to work something out, and in actual fact my interest in gore has been beneficial to me in more ways than one.

this is an extreme example, but when I think about the shit I had to weather and I had to adapt to on the internet, I cannot believe people are kicking off because they see a tag, read it anyway, and upset themselves. or they see a fic that isn't tagged, take the risk, see something they don't like, and go after the author as though it's their fault. the internet will never be a safe space, and avoiding any and all mentions of things that upset you is going to be bad long-term. even with literal triggers, desensitisation and exposure is a huge part of recovery. you're supposed to learn to weather through them. you're not supposed to ban any mere mention of the topic and avoid it forever. that is not healthy.

what I don't understand is how people can be so upset by fic. I get the sudden rush of "oh god, this is going somewhere I don't like" and clicking out, having a few moments where you half to calm down, etc. but what I don't get is how these people are somehow so upset by this fic that they're panicking and hyperventilating... yet they've somehow read the entire thing. like, surely when you're reading something, you have enough time to see where it's going and leave? and if it's sudden, you can read the first sentence and close the tab/book/whatever? I do not understand these people who bypass warnings, read the whole thing, and then get upset with the author. you had so many opportunities to protect yourself, and you chose not to. at that point, I believe it's simply a case of people wanting to feel victimised. I'm sorry that the online culture has made people think that it's not worth validation unless it's a screaming panic attack, but dear god, that's not the author's problem.

people these days have it real easy online. I don't mean to sound like an old bastard, but they would not have survived the internet Back In My Day. or they would, because they had to, and they'd be perfectly fine and functioning now. this culture of helplessness is absolutely ridiculous.

[sapiowoman28]

Chaos Part 2: Cool? How?

Pairing: Haechan x Ally Noona

Genre: friends to lovers au, smut, fluff

Warning: Mentions of sex, but there’s no smut in this part.

Tags: @nctlover94

Note: pls read the rewritten part 1 first

Except for Renjun, they all woke up with hangovers the next day.

“Ha! You fools!” Renjun wriggled his finger judgingly at all of them looking miserable at 2pm in the afternoon, after their next door neighbour decided Saturday was the perfect day to drill stuff into his walls, waking all of them up.

“I can’t believe he’s still drilling!” Haechan whined. “I feel like my head is getting drilled!”

“Next time don’t drink so much!” Renjun nagged.

“What’s a party with no alcohol?” Jaemin pouted. “You need to get as much booze in your system to have the maximum amount of fun.”

“I don’t think having to watch Hendery and Lucas running naked across the lawn counts as fun.” Rejun huffed.

“Oh come on! I won $100 from Yang Yang for being able to convince them to do that in less than 10 minutes!” Haechan protested.

“Mark looked so traumatised,” Jaemin’s girlfriend chuckled as she attempted to stuff some pizza into her mouth.

“Not as traumatised as when he found me in his bed naked with a hot older woman,” Haechan wriggled his eyebrows.

Renjun slapped the back of his head.

“Ow!” Haechan shoved Renjun. “What the hell?”

“I don’t want to know the details, Haechan,” Renjun huffed.

“But I do!” Jaemin’s girlfriend grinned. Jaemin nodded and Renjun looked esaperatedly at them.

“Nothing happened. We had sex. We cuddled. Mark found us when he came to get his expensive bottle of whiskey and threw us out of his room.” Haechan shrugged. “Then she went to hang with her friends and Yang Yang and I thought of something fun to do. And that’s how you saw Lucas and Hendery naked.”

Renjun shook his head.

“Speaking of which, have you asked Yang Yang if he’d like to move in with us? We need to find someone for the spare room you know.” Jaemin said.

Haechan let out a dramatic sigh.

“He refuses to live in the same house as you!” he said dramatically, pointing to Jaemin’s girlfriend, who shrugged. It wasn’t surprising since she once dated Yang Yang but dumped him for Lucas. This was all before she dated Jaemin.

“I’m sure we’ll find someone.” Jaemin said.

“We might even have 2 empty rooms if Jeno keeps staying with his girlfriend.” Renjun sighed.

“If my girlfriend had a house like hers I’d stay there too instead of this junk of a place.” Haechan gesticulated to their crammed abode. “One day, I’ll make so much money, I’ll buy a house we ALL can stay in.”

The guys groaned, having heard this one too many times from Haechan.

“What? Don’t you want to become rich? There’d be so many things you can buy. The cars you could drive, the holidays you could go on...” Haechan defended himself.

“I don’t know about you. But I think you’re still high from the alcohol yesterday.” Jaemin said.

“Surprise!” Haechan said excitedly, uncovering Ally’s eyes.

She looked at the car before her, gleaming in the sunlight, looking all polished and new.

“Wow,” she said. “I didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know what?” he asked.

“That you raced.” she smiled looking at him.

“I don’t.”

“Then why do you need an expensive sports car?” she asked as they got into the car.

Haechan shrugged. “It’s cool i guess?”

“Cool? How? To whom?” she looked at him almost challengingly now.

For once, Haechan had no answers.

“Cool to me.” he finally said as he started the engine. “I want to be proud of what I drive.”

“But you’re still a student. How are you going to pay the car loans?” she asked, increasingly concerned.

“I got some money from investing.”

She almost heaved a sigh of relief. “So the car is fully paid?”

“I got enough for the downpayment and 3 months of instalments.”

She turned to him in shock.

“Haechan! You have to return this car! You can’t afford it!”

“But I’ll lose the down payment!” he whined.

“You can’t afford it!” she repeated, frowning. This date was sure taking a wrong turn.

“I’ll figure something out.”

“Like what?”

“Noona, trust me!” he pouted. She turned to look out the window, in a bit to be more measured with her words. He started to panic slightly. This wasn’t going well.

“You’re upset.” he said, softly.

“I’m not.” she said, equally gently, turning to look at him.. “I’m just… really disappointed.”

He was silent, focussing on the road, taking a right turn into the lane that would bring them to the beach. He really didn’t know what to say.

“Listen.” he finally said. “If you’ve changed your mind about getting to know me, I can understand. I can drop you off back home…”

She sighed, covering his mouth.

“Are you always this dramatic? I still want to know you even though you clearly have no clue what you’re doing with your money.”

He relaxed, wriggling his eyebrows. “You can’t resist this handsome face, can you?”

She burst out laughing.

They watched the sunset together. She made him feel relaxed. She asked him about college, about his family, about his life. He told her as much as he could. Occasionally she dropped little nuggets of information about herself, and he couldn’t believe how much in common they had. The strict upbringing. The rules they had to adhere to as children of religious parents.. The fun they had secretly with their friends. Their lives now.

“I don’t want to be an ordinary person,” Haechan said. “I want to be someone different. Someone people look up to.”

She chuckled.

“What about you, Noona?”

“I just want to live.” she said rather cryptically. He wanted to ask her what she meant, but her phone rang.

“My housemate forgot her house keys.” she said. “I need to go back.”

“Will you go out with me again?”

“I would like that.” she said, smiling. “I want to know everything about you.”

“The funny thing is,” he said, as he touched her cheek. “I feel as if I’ve known you forever.”

The news that Haechan and Ally were dating spread like wildfire, mostly because Haechan insisted on clinging on to her like a love sick puppy. Well, he was mostly there by her side to tease her, but it was also obvious that he had a huge crush on her. And because she was older than him some people found it entertaining to talk about.it. Yang Yang even started taking bets on how long it’d be before Ally would get sick of Haechan’s nonsense and start avoiding him.

“The thing is,” Jeno’s girlfriend May said. “They’re kind of cute together.”

“Oh come on! Haechan has the attention span of a 5 year old!” Renjun huffed. “I’m worried about her getting hurt.”

“I think you should worry about Haechan first. The thing with that car. What was he thinking?” Jeno shook his head. “Someone needs to talk some sense into him.”

“You know,” Jaemin grinned. “I think we found the right person to speak to him.”

They watched as Ally came into the cafeteria with Haechan in tow, teasing her about something she wasn’t very amused about. She glared at him and he smiled sweetly at her, before crushing her in an embrace.

“I feel so sorry for her.” Jeno muttered.

“Me too.” Renjun agreed.

“You guys don’t know what you’re talking about! I see a match made in heaven right there,” May said, clapping her hands.

She was working on her final year project when he visited her in the art studio. She looked happy to see him and got up immediately to plant a kiss on his cheek, since her coursemates had taken a break to go get some snacks and she was alone in the studio for the next 20 minutes at least.

Haechan looked at the painting she was working on. This was just a trial, to see if what she planned would come out good. If it worked, she was going to start on her piece next week.

“It’s beautiful,” he gasped.

“Thanks. I might make some tweaks.” she said, accessing her own work with a critical eye. “I don’t think it’s good enough.”

“What’s good enough?” he asked, clearly not agreeing with her.

She had no answers for him.

“I just feel...it’s not great.” she explained. “I pale in comparison with some of the rest.”

“Noona, what you feel isn’t necessarily reality. You keep saying you’re not good at art. In fact, you said it 3 times in the week I’ve known you. But I know a lot of people like Renjun who think you’re really talented.”

“Haechan…” she sighed. “You don’t understand.”

“What don’t I understand?” Haechan asked.

“I need to keep striving for perfection or I’ll never improve.” she said. “And I really need to do well enough for post grad.”

“Maybe there is a different way to strive for excellence.” he shrugged. “I have to go now. I have a lecture. Think about it, ok?”

She nodded her head, watching him leave after planting a kiss on her forehead. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps she needed a new perspective on things. The past year had been a struggle. She never told anyone. And she was surprised Haechen noticed within a week..

When she first saw him across the room at the party, she could tell he was a smart and lively guy, and despite his initial awkwardness, he was turning out who she expected him to be, perhaps even more. Ok, his choice in automobiles was downright stupid. But beyond that, he was a sharp guy, and that made her more and more attracted to him. He noticed little things about her that she herself didn’t even notice, and the way he looked at her when they sometimes had their serious heart to hearts made her melt.

She just hoped she was able to challenge him to think of looking at things differently like how he was challenging her. She was very sure they were in each other’s lives for a reason, and she was excited to see where things would go.

[saturnznct]

attack on titan!au, mark lee x reader

word count: 3.4k words

warnings: head injury, physical fighting (for training purposes), descriptions of death, mention of knives and cult

note: will be working through this series slowly! hope u all like this xx

nct dream aot au masterlist

The first time you laid eyes on Mark Lee was in that iconic dusty courtyard. Bearing in mind he was being ripped into by Commander Shadis.

‘And what about you, Lee?’

A twelve year old Mark Lee’s eyes shone with tears of fear. He was clearly somewhat sheltered from the horrors of this world; hailing from the town of Jinae, southern Wall Maria alongside fellow cadet Marco Bott. The two of them were the image of innocence, although they barely knew each other, both round-faced and freckly.

Mark had cowered beneath Shadis’ gaze, likely having never been spoken to in such a way, especially not by his loving family. You felt drawn to him. What was he doing here?

That night he barely said much, nibbling on stale bread. You could tell he did not want to eat, but food was scarce, so he kind of had to. He listened intently to the words of Eren Yaeger who spoke about his experiences with the Colossal Titan on that infamous day two years ago.

Days faded into weeks. You passed your own balance test with flying colours, as did Mark, who’s face would become screwed up whenever his feet left the ground.

While you formed a casual alliance with Sasha, promising to go easy on each other during combat training, Mark swapped anecdotes with Marco and sharpened his wooden knife with Reiner.

One day Commander Shadis had demanded you pair up with Mikasa (likely because he was sick of you and Sasha throwing fake punches) and you were so distracted by Mark that she easily flipped you over, an ‘oof’ escaping your mouth as you hit the ground. When your back makes contact with the sand, your head snaps back, hitting the ground hard.

‘Wait, I didn’t mean that,’ Mikasa mumbles, seemingly unsure as to what to do.

Everything goes pitch black for a split second. When your eyes do open, your head is spinning, black spots dotting the sky above you like stars. You hear Commander Shadis yelling for the first-aid specialist cadets.

Admittedly in that moment you had absolutely no clue who was part of that squad. At this point in your training years, you were especially focused on yourself, working on your own skills and specialities. But when Mark Lee comes barrelling across the training yard your heart nearly leaps out of your chest.

‘Are you alright?’ He asks you as soon as he kneels down beside you, ‘can you see?’

Mark sounds far more concerned and more urgent than you feel, which you find somewhat charming, but your head is still spinning.

‘Mark, remember the procedures,’ Thomas Wagner seems to be somewhat supervising him.

‘Oh, uh,’ Mark holds up three fingers and waves them around as if to confuse you a little, ‘how many fingers am I holding up?’

He’s peering over you, almost like a pet trying to get your attention. You feel your chest swell at how cute he looks.

You blink, trying to decide whether or not you should play up your injury for his attention or get up so you can continue training.

‘Three,’ you mutter, deciding that returning to combat training was worth more than gaining the sympathy of a cute boy.

Mark and Thomas exchange a look.

‘Do you think you can sit up?’ Mark asks, eyebrows furrowed together in concern.

‘I don’t know,’ you mumbled, ‘I’ll try…’

You prepare yourself to have to lift yourself off the dirty ground, but you jump about a mile in the air when he holds the back of your head in his hand, slowly supporting your head as you sat up.

‘I’m sorry, Y/N,’ Mikasa apologises quietly.

‘It’s okay,’ you croak, ‘it’s my fault.’

‘Come on Y/N, we’ll have to take you back to your dorm room to lay down,’ Thomas has a sharp tone of authority, so you don’t even try to argue.

‘Dude, she can’t even stand,’ Mark points out.

‘How about you carry her then,’ Thomas huffs, turning on his heel to deal with some other cadet’s grazed arm.

‘I-I-Is that okay?’ Mark stutters, hand still on the small of your back as he held you up.

You nod groggily, ‘it’s okay.’

And so he scoops you up in his arms, and you automatically cling onto his neck. Mark is incredibly gentle, hand under your leg splayed out as to not touch your thigh.

You’re sleepy at this point, so the walk back to your dorm house is slow.

Mark tilts you to the side to twist the doorknob, the door loudly creaking open.

‘Which bunk is yours?’

‘Right beside the window,’ you mumble, ‘bottom bunk.’

He walks you over slowly, almost as though you were a baby in his arms, before gently lowering you down into your bed.

‘Are you comfortable?’

You nod, shifting around under the duvet to try and get comfortable.

‘Good. I’ll send one of the girls in occasionally to check on you,’ he says, ‘I hope you feel better soon.’

And then he shuffles out, clicking the door shut as quietly as possible.

‘How’s your head?’

‘Huh?’

The cafeteria is relatively empty, it being late than the normal scheduled eating time. You had finished up with your cleaning duties a bit later than usual, hence why you were eating bread at nearly 10pm.

You had been interrupted by a certain Jinae resident.

‘Your head… have you been feeling better? I’ve been worried.’

‘You have?’ Your heart nearly skips a beat at the thought of him worrying about you, hoping that you’re alright, ‘I’m just fine Mark, all thanks to you.’

You don’t miss the way a pink blush creeps up his neck, and he avoids your gaze.

‘It’s what I’m trained to do,’ he brushes it off, ‘what kind of medic would I be if I couldn’t help?’

‘You’re incredibly selfless.’

‘Not really,’ Mark shrugs, ‘it’s the right thing to do.’

’Still selfless.’

He looks up at you then, trying to read your emotions.

‘I just mean that, in this world, people are selfish. People always care more about saving themselves than saving others. So you’re different, in that way.’

‘You think people care more about themselves than others?’

‘I-I saw a lot of things during the fall of Maria.. When my town was under attack, the titans had destroyed some of the houses, and there were people inside, who couldn’t get out. And they were shouting- screaming for someone to help them move the wood or the rubble but nobody listened. I told my dad to help them, obviously I couldn’t myself because I was only nine, but he didn’t. He told me that we had to leave ourselves, that we were responsible for ourselves. Now I know that those people died. They died because my father refused to help, because I was too weak. That’s most of the reason why I’m here, to help people if that were to happen again.’

‘I think your dad just cared about his family.’

‘In the refugee camps, I saw people steal food from other families, have knife fights over money and blankets. We were all in the same position, displaced and traumatised. I don’t know why people were so unwilling to help each other.’

‘Where are your family now?’ Mark asks innocently enough, but you feel your heart sink a bit.

‘My dad was sent out on the recapture mission, you know, when they tried to retake Wall Maria. He died.’

‘Oh I’m-‘ Mark looks at you with wide eyes, as if he had no idea how to react.

‘I don’t really feel any way about it,’ you admit, interrupting him, ‘he was comfortable letting those people trapped in the houses die terrified. I’m sure he had enough time to prepare himself for death before he left, and as he rode his horse out of Trost. I knew he was going to die when he said goodbye to me, and I was quite numb to it then too. My mother left me and my siblings alone in that camp and went to work in the interior to actually make money. I imagine she’s a prostitute or something. I don’t know. I don’t hear from her.’

‘Does she know you’re here?’

‘Maybe. My siblings may have told her. Anyway. Enough about me, what about you?’

‘My older brother is in the Military Police,’ Mark explains, ’the grand jewel of our family… I think my parents want me to follow in his footsteps. But I have no idea what I want to do yet.’

‘Do you think you’ll get in the top ten?’

‘Probably not. I’m not as fit or strong as Reiner, or even Annie. And I don’t have Armin’s brains or intellect. I’m kind of just in the middle.’

‘You have Eren���s will,’ you point out, ‘you care about helping people.’

‘You’re really comparing me to Eren?’ Mark chuckles.

‘I’m not saying you’re arrogant, just that you have the passion.’

‘I know. I just don’t think I have the passion for being a member of the Military Police. I don’t think they really help people as much as I want to.’

‘They’re very culty,’ you grimace, ‘so weird.’

Mark chuckles, ‘you’re not wrong. Every time I see my brother he’s walking around the interior with a huge gun, probably bullying some random kids.’

‘Do you know what regiment you want to go into?’ You ask.

‘I’m still weighing my options,’ he shrugs, ‘the Garrison always seemed like the easy route, just patrolling the streets and sitting around all day. But now they’re basically partners with the Survey Corps. If the walls get broken, they have to fight alongside each other. Either way, I’m fighting titans. It’s mainly just a decision of how often I want to.’

’Wall Rose hasn’t fallen,’ you point out, ‘it’s been nearly three years.’

‘As time goes on, it gets more likely,’ he remarks darkly, eyes fixed on the table, ‘by the sounds of it, this colossal titan seems intelligent. Who knows when it will decide to strike next. Our lecturer said that titan behaviour is incredibly unpredictable.’

‘Don’t you think we’ll be prepared enough to fight by then?’

‘It’s the Royal Government that comes up with the evacuation and fighting strategies. They care more about the preservation of the interior than those in the outer walls. They probably half-arsed the whole plan. As for our training, remember what Commander Shadis said on our first day. Most of us will just be titan feed in the end.’

‘You’re strong though, Mark,’ you state gently, as if he were sobbing and you were trying to console him.

‘You think so?’

‘I know you are. I watch you fight for future every single day.’

Mark stays silent, mulling over your words.

‘You really inspire me to try harder myself. And you’ll be an incredible soldier.’

When Mark continues to be silent, your eyes dart around the room. You catch the gaze of Sasha, who is stuffing her face with the tiny amount of leftovers.

She wiggles her eyebrows at you teasingly, before getting up and walking out of the cafeteria.

‘Nice one Y/N!’ Mark yells as you land a kick on Sasha’s shin, prompting her to fall to the floor clutching her leg.

‘Ow, Y/N!’ She shrieks, ‘I thought you said you would go easy on me!’

‘No titan will go easy on you, Braus,’ you hear Annie comment flatly.

Sasha huffs while Mark comes up behind you, gently turning you around by your elbow and giving you a high ten.

‘You’ve gotten so much better recently,’ Mark compliments, ‘I’m so proud of you!’

’Thanks Mark,’ you grin, trying to ignore the way your heart skips a beat by his words.

‘Yeah, nice going,’ Sasha grumbles, wiping down her now dusty thighs and shins, before turning on her heel and walking off to find Connie.

‘I still feel as though my fighting skills are a bit lacking to be honest,’ he confesses, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

‘Really? Who have you been practicing with?’

‘…Armin.’

‘Ah.’

‘Not to say that he’s weak or anything- he’s definitely not. There’s just a certain level you can get to where you just can’t improve anymore.’

No, I know what you mean,’ you try to empathise.

‘Maybe we can practice together? I-I mean, your usual partner is kind of… limping away, and I just think that you’re really great at this kind of stuff-‘

‘Mark,’ you giggle, reaching out and touching his shoulder, ‘it’s okay. We can fight. But just know, I’ll win.’

You take a few steps back as he laughs nervously. You drop your smile for a much more intimidating glare, raising your arms up.

‘Ready, Lee?’

Mark nods, awkwardly holding his own arms up to mirror your own.

You both stare at each other for a few seconds before either one of you strikes. You lunge forwards at him, swinging your right arm around his neck, to trap him in a headlock. He splutters in your ear, flailing his own limbs around in an attempt to wriggle out of your grip, but fails to do so when you throw out your leg and clip the side of his ankle with your foot, sending both of you to the ground.

He lands first, back impacting against the ground with a thud and a grunt from Mark.

You had imagined that he would let you go as he tumbled to the ground, but he doesn’t, clinging onto your arms and bringing you down with him.

A split second later, you’re also making contact with something, but not the ground. Your abdomens clash together, causing you to make an automatic ‘oof’ sound.

It takes you a while to adjust to the situation. You’re face to face, legs tangled together. There’s orange dust in Mark’s hair, sweat glistening on his forehead, eyes squinting while trying to get used to the sun, cheeks and nose red with the heat, lips-

There’s a few moments of silence, the two of you studying each others faces.

‘Ar-are you ok?’ You stammer, and for a few seconds he does not respond, still just staring at you.

‘Oh! I’ll get off,’ you shake your head, unraveling your twisted legs and clambering off of him, much to Mark’s silent disappointment.

‘Uh, you did good!’ You murmur, ‘just, um, try not to be caught off guard, next time.’

When you turn to walk away, you don’t fail to notice the way Krista and Mina are sitting on the steps of the watchtower, whispering frantically to each other.

You don’t see Mark for a few days after that. Training becomes infinitely more rigorous, since you were split into four groups and sent to different parts of the forest for field training.

You had spent several days trekking through the rain and snow with your backpack on, and afterwards spending a few days recuperating.

Mark was in a different group than you, hence why you did not see him. It feels weird that he’s not there, like there’s a part of you missing, but overall you somewhat enjoy your few days away.

It also gives you the perfect opportunity to completely forget about your weird moment during your fight, and focus on building relationships with other cadets.

‘You don’t think Marco is cute?’ Mina exclaims with wide eyes.

‘No, I mean he’s ok-‘

‘Just okay?’ Hannah Diamant replies, absolutely stunned at your indifference.

‘She only says so because she has her eyes on Lee,’ Sasha teases, sticking her tongue out when you turn to glare at her.

‘Do not!’ You argue.

‘Do too!’ Sasha is in fits of giggles, ‘and he clearly likes you too.’

‘I doubt it,’ you mumble, suddenly feeling quite embarrassed.

’Nah, he definitely likes you,’ Mina chimes in.

Unbeknownst to you, a certain blonde had been paying a bit of extra attention to your conversation.

Hence why you were here now, violently stabbing at your dinner with a fork, glaring holes into Krista Lenz’s back while she whispered to Mark Lee.

‘I thought she was going out with that Ymir girl?’ You don’t have a clue who’s speaking to you. Your brain is swimming with anger, so fuzzy you can hardly think straight.

When Krista goes to whisper in Mark’s ear again, she places a hand on his shoulder, after which you’re plotting ways in which you could cut her fingers off.

’I wouldn’t worry,’ Sasha shrugs, ‘we know, and I mean we all know he’s in love with you.’

‘Even if you’re right, which you are not, I’m not her.’

‘Don’t be so worried you idiot,’ Mina half snaps half chuckles, ‘you’re gorgeous. And a total catch, obviously. Mark Lee would be dumb to not want you.’

Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.

‘What the actual fuck,’ you mutter, sitting straight up in your bottom bunk bed, coming centimetres from smacking your head.

You whip your head in the direction of the source of the noise.

And there he stands, Mark Lee, in the purple night at your window.

‘What the hell?’ You mouth.

He beckons, asking you to come outside.

You give him an incredulous look, trying to be as quiet as physically possible while getting out of bed and putting on your jacket and boots.

‘What sort of time do you call this?’ You exclaim, exasperated.

‘The best time to go to the lake.’

You can’t help but notice the smirk on his face as he turns on his heel, walking down the gravel path.

You quickly look around for possible bystanders, before following him.

His lantern lights the way as you walk down the hill in a comfortable silence, arms swinging at every bump and skip in your step.

The lake is glittering at this time of night, especially because of how high and bright the moon is in the sky.

‘I like to sit and have picnics in the moon rather than the sun. The food doesn’t melt and I don’t get sunburned.’

‘We’re having a picnic?’ You practically squeak, eyes widening to basically the same size as the moon above.

‘Well, uh, no, we are in a food shortage,’ Mark stammers, ‘but I did swipe some bread from Armin. Well I mean, he gave it to me, said he would take one for the team or whatever…’

’Thank you Mark,’ you interrupt him, grinning uncontrollably, ‘this is really sweet.’

‘But if it’s any constellation, I would’ve loved to have made you a picnic. When they take back the wall I promise I’ll make up a nice spread of food.’

‘Where’s all this come from, Mark?’ You wonder aloud.

‘I’ve just had a realisation recently,’ he admits, gulping.

‘What is it?’

‘I really like you, Y/N,’ he confesses, taking both of your hands in his and rubbing them with his thumbs, ‘and I know that you probably don’t feel the same, and that we definitely have much bigger things to focus on, but-‘

You cut him off by practically launching yourself at him, kissing him.

For a moment he is stiff as a board underneath you with his surprise, before relaxing and reciprocating your kiss.

For a while you sit there, under the watchful eye of the moon, eventually peeling away from each other when you become breathless.

‘I like you too, Mark. Being with you takes me away from this horrible reality. And I don’t know what the future will be like, but I know that I want you in it.’

‘I feel exactly the same way,’ he whispers, still holding your hands.

‘We have to pick our regiments really soon. I think that I might join the survey corps,’ you say, staring out into the lake.

‘I’ll go wherever you go,’ Mark murmurs, rubbing your cheek with his hand, which you lean into.

You sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes, your head resting on his shoulder, Mark occasionally turning his head to kiss your hair.

‘What made you decide to tell me this now?’ You ask.

‘Well, let’s just say I got some encouragement from Krista and Sasha.’

’I should’ve known,’ you chuckle, ‘I’ll get them back later.’

Mark laughs, perking up slightly as though he had remembered something.

‘Ready to crack open the bread, baby?’

taglist

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@hiqhkey​ @eyyyyyyyow

[singofsolace]

My heart!!!! 💔💔💔 Uggghhhh!!! Zelda being hurt and the description of her bruising marks are making me crrrryyyy (you know why)!!!! Her terror of waking up injured and not knowing what happened to her hit so hard! And as the medicine began to fade and she felt more and more pain. I like that Lilith was empathetic and caring without being soft. It suits her role as an FBI agent that she isn’t soft, but it’s clear that she does care because she risked her job to save Zelda and then lied to stay the night so that she wouldn’t wake up alone. Not to mention, she obviously feels horrible guilt for not helping sooner. She’s so torn between wanting to help a woman in danger and also not wanting to compromise an investigation that might help get the whole gang sent to prison. Thank goodness she did step in and stop them, but I’m sure the guilt of allowing the attack to go on for so long will continue to weigh on her.

I also like that she brings just enough humour with her banter to break up the intensity, but it doesn’t change the tone. I don’t know how you always manage such a good balance even in such a dark fic.

When Zelda couldn’t form the words to ask if she had been raped, I was actually crying!! She changed the question to something she could manage and never really got her answer! The horrible weight of not knowing the details of what happened to her is still there and it’s just so heartbreaking! And then the realisation that Faustus, her own husband, was the one to order the attack!!! It’s all too much for her traumatised brain to process! It suits Zelda’s character so much that instead of thinking about Faustus being responsible her attack or accepting Lilith’s pity, she started sharply questioning Lilith and put the focus back on her. The anger and betrayal she felt at a stranger FBI agent who didn’t stop the attack earlier is easier to deal with for her than the anger and betrayal of her husband doing something so evil to her.

Zelda fearing that Lilith will leave her alone and then reaching for her hand are both such great moments that show how much comfort she receives from Lilith. And it makes so much sense that Zelda bonded to Lilith quickly! She is the one who is there for Zelda in a moment of crisis and the one who saved her in the first place. And I love that Lilith isn’t the one to start the touch, letting Zelda be the one to reach for her. She seems to clearly sense that after being so brutally attacked Zelda needs to have control over her body and who is touching it. It was a great contrast to how Zelda reacts to Marie’s more physical way of showing care. Even a gentle, kind touch meant to comfort her feels uncomfortable.

And when Lilith defended Zelda to Marie even though she was thinking the same thing about Zelda being in that area alone, it shows once again that Lilith does care. You manage to show how different Marie and Lilith are and how Lilith suits Zelda’s needs better, but without making Marie wrong. It’s a nuance that so many people miss and I always appreciate seeing how you write them!

And really, I’m just so glad that she has two strong women to protect and care for her! Especially when Faustus arrives at the hospital!!!! It’s terrifying that he knows where they took her and followed her there! But when Zelda reaches for Lilith’s hand and both Lilith and Marie promise to protect her from him, I had chills!!!! I hope you will continue this one even though I know you’re so busy! It’s just so good and I can’t wait to see this relationship develop and I really need to see the little bitch put in prison!!!

Ahhh thank you so much for this thoughtful review of by any other name! I am continuously grateful and honored to hear your thoughts on my stories.

I'm so glad you felt the banter/snarky comments never changed the tone of the piece. That's something I struggle with so much when I'm writing, and I put a lot of effort into trying to balance the light with the dark without the comedic moments seeming entirely out of place.

Portraying the differences between Marie and Lilith, while not saying either of them are "wrong," is also very important to me! Marie is a very tactile person, and so it makes sense that her "love language," if you want to call it that, is physical touch and actions, rather than words. But when you've just been through a traumatic experience, like Zelda has, it can be a bit off-putting to have a stranger touching you, even when you know it's meant to be a comforting touch. Marie isn't wrong for wanting to comfort her, it's just not the "way" of comforting that Zelda needs in that moment, from a complete stranger. It isn't until Lilith has explained what happened and Zelda realizes her husband either ordered a hit on her, or purposefully sent her to a dangerous place hoping she'd be attacked, that Zelda is ready for and now actually wants a physical touch to ground her.

(But it also has to do with the charade of pretending to be engaged. I wanted that moment to also read as Zelda finally actively participating in the "fake engagement" story, and silently thanking Lilith for it, because she unintentionally set up a plausible reason for Zelda to deny her husband access to the hospital room.)

And I'm so glad you liked the ending, with both Marie and Lilith joining forces to keep Zelda safe from Faustus. I'm a sucker for storylines where women band together to help each other, even when they don't really know each other. There's just this intrinsic sense of duty to help other women when they're in danger, you know? And Marie openly looking at Lilith like she might be con-woman was important to me, too, because at the end of the day, Lilith did lie and violate Zelda's rights by pretending to be her fiancé, even though it was coming from a place of "goodness."

Thank you again for always supporting my stories and helping me grow as a writer with your lovely reviews!

[purplepri]

My Drarry fanfic Masterlist

I've been meaning to make this list for a long time now, but my laziness didn't let me. Well, better later than never, so there it goes.

Disclaimer: this fics are from my personal taste. Many of them came from the always fabulous @drarryspecificrecs and @drarryspecificrecsdaily, so make sure to look their recs since it's more diverse. English it's not my first language, sorry for any mistakes. And I will do my very best to not spoil any of it, so my summaries are going to be short.

Long-fic

A Biding Promise by emeraldvssilver [E, +18]

“I choose you Harry. I’m yours. I think… I think I always was. Never could quite stop looking at you, or thinking about you.”

“Draco, I promise you I will protect you. With everything I am, and everything I have, I will protect you.”

Harry's power was an immovable force of nature, and Draco's magic parted for it like it was welcoming an old lover back into it's warm embrace. The Oath took root around Harry's core as he unwittingly bound himself to Draco, and bound himself to his promise.

It's hot, and cute, and I love the magical bond trope so much!!!!

Secrets by Vorabiza [E, +18]

Beginning with Draco's unexpected arrival at the Dursleys, Harry's summer after sixth year becomes filled with activity and many secrets. As his summer progresses, Harry generates several unexpected allies as he finds himself actively becoming the leader of the Light side.

I can't start to describe this one. I've read it instead of the book I was supposed to read for lit class, and I seriously don't regret it. The best of the best!!!!!!!

Safety by vivi1138 [M, +18]

Cedric Diggory is dead, Voldemort is reborn. Narcissa Malfoy knows what this means for her son, and she will not let him be Marked. Even if it means fleeing Britain.

With Amelia Bones' help, a safe haven welcomes six teenagers who have no wish to bow to Voldemort. The only catch? They'll need to adapt to a Muggle lifestyle.

With private teachers to continue their schooling, isolated from the rest of the world, they certainly don't expect to enjoy themselves, especially after Harry Potter himself joins them.

A story where Umbridge wreaks havoc on Hogwarts and Harry is not there to see it.

Good lord, this one. It's a-fucking-mazing in every point, I love this one with all my heart... So beautiful...

The Chamber of Secrets and Half the Adults are Idiots by Des98 [M, +18]

"Harry Potter AU where Harry is hiding in the cabinet in Borgin and Burkes. And he sees Lucius grab Draco with his cane. And he hears the hiss, “What did I tell you?” And he hears the quiver in the blonde boy’s voice, “Don’t touch anything.”

And Harry knows.

Because he’s used the voice that Draco uses for the past twelve years.

He knows.

Because now that he’s lived with the Weasleys for over a month, he knows that that’s not the way that a father’s voice should be.

He knows...

All I can say it's that Harry it's a cinnamon roll, everybody gets called out for their bullshit, and this series just makes me so happy that finally every abuse Harry's been through is addressed and cared for!!!!!!

Finite Incantatum by Alysian_Fields [E, +18]

It’s the autumn after Dumbledore’s death, the Death Eaters are steadily gaining power, and Harry and his friends are desperate to find the remaining Horcruxes. But then Draco Malfoy arrives at Grimmauld Place, traumatised, starved and drained of all his magical ability. It falls to Harry to show the Slytherin how to adapt to his new way of life, never guessing that Draco has a few things to teach him in return.

This one it's phenomenal! Draco needs to learn how to deal with not having magic anymore, and Harry's the one that teaches him. It's so gooooooooood

Harry Potter and The Bound Prince by slashpervert [E, +18]

In HBP, there is a pivotal moment where things could have gone very differently for Harry and Draco. In the bathroom sixth year, Draco is upset that Harry has caught him crying and throws a hex. It escalates and ends in blood, with Harry nearly killing Draco by accident. In this story, instead, unvoiced attraction to Harry motivates Draco to take a chance and kiss him. Once sparked, their mutual desire and exploration becomes the driving force in the alternative ending to the series. Draco's "mission" from Voldemort turns out to be more complex than that presented in canon and their solution even more difficult.

Let's just say that the author's name is very fitting for the content they wrote... But, yeah, there's a lot of smut, but gods if the plot isn't amazing as well...

Dark Wizengamot by Emerys_Potter [T, +13]

Preparing to head to his hearing, just before his fifth year at Hogwarts, Harry learns quickly that Sirius' plans tend to get complicated. In a matter of minutes Harry becomes a Lord of the Wizarding World and in so doing learns that not all his friends are on his side.

Watch as Harry stands up for himself and shakes the Wizengamot, Dumbledore, Hogwarts, Voldemort and the Wizarding World at large for a spin.

Shout out to everyone who loves a good Dumbledore!bashing, Slytherins are people too, BAMF Harry Potter!!! I see you and I love you, please read this fanfic, it's going to worth it!!!!!

Easy as Falling by Lomonaaeren [T, +13]

Harry doesn’t really like the way things are going in the wizarding world. But who’s going to do something about it?...Him, that’s who! (Or, how Harry became a Benevolently Snarky Dark Lord).

I can't. I love Dark!Harry, it's just so EXCITING for me to see someone that was a light symbol fall into the dark and find strength and power there...

Short-fic

Harry Potter and the Sentinel Phenomenon by elissblair [M, +18]

Everything changes the summer after fifth year. Draco refuses to take the Dark Mark and must deal with leaving behind the life, friends and family he's always known.The Dursley's abandon Harry alone in the woods for a week, triggering his Sentinel gifts and leaving him hurting and in need of a Guide. Can two rivals put aside five years worth of antagonism in order to work together to save Hogwarts and each other?

I don't know what to say about this one... So cute and well written, I love this so much, OMG...

The Devil's White Knight by orphan_account [E, +18]

When Harry wakes up in an alternate timeline--a timeline where Voldemort was defeated long before the first war--he discovers everything is different. His parents, his godfather, his friends--and him. Harry must deal with the consequences of who he would have been if he had been raised by his parents, and figure out where he stands with his casual hook up, Draco Malfoy.

I love this one so much and often read it again just for the sake of it. Family it's a complicated matter, isn't it?

Azoth by zeitgeistic [E, +18]

Now that Harry is back at Hogwarts with Hermione for eighth year, he realises that something’s missing from his life, and it either has to do with Ron, his boggart, Snape, or Malfoy. Furthermore, what, exactly, does it mean when one’s life is defined by the desire to simultaneously impress and annoy a portrait? Harry has no idea; he’s too busy trying not to be in love with Malfoy to care.

Alchemy, apprenticeship, mentor!Snape... What a ride this one is! But it's amazing, ugh!

One-Shot

Changeable Weather by tigersilver [E, +18]

They should be studying for their exams, but it's too hot, so everyone is just hanging around by the lake in various states of undress. Draco cannot cope with all of Harry's exposed skin.

You know... Summer vibes, beach(it's the lake of Hogwarts), Harry being all good-looking and that's it.

Breaking the Curse by GatewayGirl [E, +18]

At first, not being able to hire Slytherins didn't seem too bad, but now Auror Potter is taking it personally. If only Draco Malfoy didn't keep cropping up in his investigation.

There's a curse at the Ministry and the former Slytherins can't get a job in there. Of course auror Potter needs to be the one who breaks it, huh? And of course it's sex magic, huh?

Buy a Heart by xErised [E, +18]

Draco's cock hardens as he looks at the invitation to the charity auction; his golden ticket to one wild night of desperate sex with Potter to get rid of this inexplicable obsession. His heart whispers that one night will never be enough, but Draco is beyond caring. All he knows is that he will pay any price to have Potter over and over again.

Harry being a size queen it's my smut pet peeve, I'm not going to lie. But yeah, very hot sex all around the hotel room. That's it.

Crush by MissyMallow [T, +13]

Harry Potter; one gorgeous specimen ever created. Draco Malfoy’s crush.

This one made me so happy while I was reading! It’s amazing!

[sophieebdaily]

Sophie shared part of her biography, Spinning Plates, on Daily Mail. Read Sophie’s words:

As a teenager, I thought I’d be famous. Cringey to write, but true. I’d even practised my autograph on my friends’ school exercise books.

I was confident I’d never have to write my own life story, and that Madonna had the right idea: have books written about you, but don’t write them yourself. Well, I’m not Madonna, and I’m not that famous. So here it is. My story, told by me.

I was born on April 10, 1979, to a 25-year-old dad, Robin Bextor, a journalist and TV producer, and 23-year-old Janet Ellis, an actress and TV presenter. I don’t really have any memories of my parents happy together, as their marriage fell apart when I was four.

Mum was a Blue Peter presenter by then, and Dad had started directing That’s Life, a big Saturday night TV show starring Esther Rantzen. By the time I was five, their divorce was official.

They lived a few minutes’ walk from each other in West London. Mum and I were in a little flat on the same road as my school, and Dad was in our old home. I found it hard to go from house to house.

Originally they split their time with me 50-50, but after a while it changed to me being with Mum most of the time and Dad every other weekend.

Every memory I have of anything related to custody invokes feelings of guilt and stress. School holidays were split between them equally, but when there was an odd number of nights, arguments ensued about who would have me for that extra night.

I know it is the mark of loving parents that they wanted me with them, but I felt incredible pressure not to upset them by showing any preference. I didn’t want either parent unhappy, so I would hide how I felt and say what I thought they wanted to hear.

I used to wish I had a sibling so that another human could experience what I was going through. But out of one unhappy marriage I got two happy ones, so I’m glad they found my step-parents, John and Polly.

I honestly feel I’ve been raised by four people, not two, and strange as it may sound, I can see bits of all four of them reflected in me sometimes. Nature and nurture all at once.

By the age of 19 I was no longer an only child, but the oldest of six: three sisters and two brothers. That’s quite the leap from those early years on my own. My youngest siblings were only six and seven when I had my first baby at 23, so they are close in age.

I love the fact my family ended up so big and sprawling. I like having so much going on. Good job the tattoo on my arm just says ‘Family’ and not the names of those within it – the list would be down to my wrist by now.

For me, family is everything. I now have five sons of my own – five small humans to nurture and nourish to adulthood.

If I were to list the way my priorities have shifted over the years into a chart rundown it would go something like this:

In at No 1 – thinking about the kids!

Down 30 places – being cool.

Up five – being kind.

Down 10 – any kind of toxic relationship.

Down 50 – time for myself. That’s parenthood!

I wasn't sure whether I was going to include this bit, but this is my platform to write about whatever I want and the things that have shaped me.

This is one of those dark and murky events in my life which I haven’t told many people about, but I owe it myself to put it out there, so here goes.

I definitely bear the scars from my first experiences with men and sex. When I was a teenager I knew I fancied boys, but I seemed far behind my friends.

At 15, I felt inexperienced and prudish, while they all seemed to be getting off with boys every weekend and quite a few had lost their virginity.

By the time I was 16 I had snogged only a couple of boys and had never had a boyfriend.

But it was around then I started going to a local indie club in the hope of getting my musical career off the ground. I was already deciding that life as a singer was for me.

Through the club nights there, I met girls outside school, including two sisters who seemed worldly, experienced and well connected. Here was my chance to shake off my Enid Blyton persona.

They didn’t see me as a prude, but they did see me as a bit of a project.

‘Have a one-night stand,’ they said. ‘It’s easy. You just bring a man home with you and then sleep with him.’

This seemed so grown-up to me. I’d read in magazines about one-night stands. Clearly, being a grown woman meant being able to do this.

Not too long after, when I was 17, I was out at a gig with a group of friends, including the sisters.

By now I was in my first band, theaudience, and although we hadn’t yet done a gig – we had just recorded demos and rehearsed – I was so happy to be hanging out with fellow musicians.

At the after-show party, I found myself talking to an older man who was in a band. He was their guitarist and he seemed to like me. I felt flattered.

I mentioned I was doing A-level history and he said: ‘I did history. Would you like to come back to my flat and see my history books?’ Probably the lamest chat-up line in the world, but I went in a taxi with him back to his flat.

Let’s call him Jim, shall we? Once back at the flat, Jim actually did show me his history books. I found myself putting one about Napoleon III in my bag. I kept it for a while afterwards, but seeing it always made me feel sad and used.

You see, Jim and I started kissing and before I knew it we were on his bed and he took off my knickers. I heard myself saying ‘No’ and ‘I don’t want to’, but it didn’t make any difference.

He didn’t listen to me and he had sex with me and I felt so ashamed. It was how I lost my virginity and I felt stupid.

I remember staring at Jim’s bookcases and thinking: I just have to let this happen now.

After it was over, I lay on the bed feeling odd, trying to process what had just happened. He fell asleep and I slept, too, not really knowing how to get myself home in the middle of the night.

I woke up after a short while and I can remember angrily picking up my clothes from the floor while saying to myself, ‘I said “No” ’. I went and sat in his kitchen, watching TV, feeling dazed.

After a while, Jim came into the room. ‘Oh, I didn’t think you’d still be here,’ he said. Again, I felt stupid. I didn’t know I was supposed to have left. I didn’t know I was supposed to just go afterwards.

On the way home I wondered if everyone else on the Tube could tell what had happened to me. I felt grubby, but also unsure about my own feelings as I had no other experience to compare it with.

At the time, the way rape was talked about wasn’t to do with consent – it was something you associated with aggression. But no one had pinned me down or shouted at me to make me comply, so why should I feel so violated?

I have thought so much about why I wanted to write about this. My life is happy now and I would not say that I felt overly traumatised at the time, and yet I feel as if the culture that surrounded me – the things I saw and read and the way sex was discussed – made me believe I didn’t have a case.

My experience was not violent. All that happened was I wasn’t listened to. Of the two people there, one said yes, the other said no, and the yes person did it anyway.

The older I’ve become, the more stark that 29-year-old man ignoring 17-year-old me has seemed.

I think it’s telling that when I came to write this book, this story was the one I wrote first. By going back to that room and to that time when I felt I didn’t have a voice, I can now give myself that voice.

I am not interested in naming and shaming the guy involved – I’ve Googled him and he seems to be happily going about his business and is in what looks like a happy long-term relationship. But I do want to encourage anyone to realise where the line between right and wrong lies.

I’m a mother of five young men now, and I introduce the concept of consent pretty early.

I want to raise considerate, kind people who can take other people’s feelings into account. I want them to actively want the other person to be happy, too, rather than just stopping because they have to.

I never saw Jim again, but a friend bumped into him and, when my name came up, he said we’d dated. We never dated. He didn’t even want to see me. He definitely didn’t want to listen to me.

I’ve asked myself why it’s important to write about these experiences. Why go over something that wasn’t very pleasant? Why make it public?

But I think if you experience something you know is wrong, then being brave and honest about it helps, and if anyone else has been through something similar, it might help us all talk about it.

But that’s not all. It’s also because I was silent about it for so long. It started to feel like I’m being complicit. I wasn’t heard when I was 17, but I think I’ll be heard now.

Looking back, I believe I had my first panic attack while filming a TV show. The anxious feeling had been brewing for a while, waiting for the right moment to tip me over the edge. It was December 2001 and my song Murder On The Dancefloor was about to be released.

I remember arriving at the TV studio and a colleague excitedly showing me my diary, which was completely packed for weeks. I couldn’t share her enthusiasm, but nodded my head and then walked on to the set in a bit of a daze.

I was starting to feel anxious and claustrophobic. As the sound man put on my radio mic, I started to feel more and more shaky, but I couldn’t leave the set. I couldn’t find any legitimate way of escaping.

I can’t remember all the guests but one was Jay Kay from Jamiroquai and DJ Jo Whiley was the host. Everything seemed hyper-real and I couldn’t work out if people were talking too fast or I was talking too slow.

I said: ‘Sorry, I’ve just got to go to the loo.’ I ended up on the street outside where I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself.

To his credit, my manager told me I could just leave if I wanted to. But I was able to get back in and finish the filming. And afterwards I felt elated.

As anyone who has had a panic attack knows, the only upside of the nightmarish ‘am I actually going mad?’ midst of the attack itself is that once it subsides it can give way to an almost euphoric high.

After that, panic attacks became regular visitors in my life. After a month or two of these episodes, it was my mother who diagnosed me. She said she’d read an article about panic attacks and thought that was probably what was going on with me.

But what to do about it? The triggers seemed to be any situation I felt I couldn’t walk away from without being conspicuous.

Tube carriages when the train suddenly stopped in a tunnel caused immediate panic. This paranoia increased the panic and I’d be sent spiralling into a shortness of breath, the craziness in my head and an inability to get a proper grasp on the passing of time.

Other panic-inducing situations included things such as meetings with my record label, where we’d sit in a boardroom with the door shut.

But the biggest and baddest of these situations was live TV.

Eventually I thought to myself: Enough, I need to sort this out.

The most popular route to help with panic attacks seemed to be hypnotherapy. This was the first therapy I’d ever tried – for anything – and I was a bit wary.

The initial session – with a very well-meaning practitioner – did nothing for me. She put on calming music and told me to lie still and relax, which sent me straight into the beginnings of an attack.

After that, a friend told me about someone who had been treated by the hypnotist Paul McKenna.

He’d become a regular fixture on TV and claimed he could change your life. I wasn’t sure whether he could really help me but I got in touch and trotted along to his place in Kensington, West London.

We spoke about the triggers of my anxiety and about other situations when I’d felt that way.

He said to imagine that I was standing in a room, and in the corner there was a television with a black-and-white image on it. The image should be an image of me from when I first remembered feeling out of control.

I thought back to when I was little and my mum and dad had split up, and all the fights over where I would spend the time, especially when there was an uneven number of nights to be shared.

The image I saw was me standing there at around the age of six while my stepmum explained how Dad was feeling about not seeing me as much as he’d like to.

While she spoke, I felt incredibly guilty and out of control.

The pressure was too much and I didn’t want to hurt anyone or upset anyone. I simply didn’t know what to do.

Paul listened and told me to get closer to the screen and then let the image turn from black-and-white to colour.

‘Now step inside the image. Climb into the scene and speak to that little version of yourself. Tell her you’re now an adult, that it’s OK she didn’t know what to do, and that you’ve grown into a happy grown-up so she doesn’t need to worry. It’s all going to be OK, and you can tell her that.’

I did what he said and shortly afterwards I walked out of Paul’s house in a daze.

I had been completely awake and aware throughout the session, but boy, was it powerful. For the next two or three days I could remember so many details from the time I was around the age of six or seven – things I had long forgotten, sights and smells. It was bizarre, but it really worked.

Since that time I’ve had the inklings of a panic attack – the occasional little tug – but never again has it bloomed into a full-blown thing. Whatever Paul said to me that day, in just one session, was incredibly effective in giving the power back to me. I’m so grateful to him. Especially amazing was the fact that he never charged me. He told me to make a contribution to charity, instead, which I did of course.

Pretty cool, that.

Lockdown woes and the joy of our Kitchen Disco

When lockdown first started, my husband Richard and I felt like most people. A bit freaked out, stressed by the heaviness of the news, discombobulated by the tilt our world was now on.

We’d started 2020 with a very full diary of gigs and overnight they were gone. Not only that, but our kids were suddenly off school and they were unnerved, too.

Meanwhile, online there were so many talented musicians performing songs, accompanying themselves on piano or guitar and sounding lovely. I had such a strong urge to do something fun and creative that we too could put out there.

Richard suggested we do a live gig on Instagram – the easiest platform without needing complicated streaming rights in order to transmit music live.

The first gig we streamed was pretty ridiculous. I put on a sparkly catsuit and I kept having to warn Richard, who was filming it, when he was about to walk backwards on to our crawling baby, who was only 14-months-old at the time.

I did my thing and shimmied about and embraced the absurdity, as did Richard, who joined me wearing an animal mask and playing on his Millennium Falcon bass (he’s the bass player in rock band The Feeling).

Afterwards, we wondered what the hell we’d just done. We’d always been pretty private about our home and we’d never put the kids’ faces out into the world, but in the midst of the pandemic and the whole world gone wonky, none of that felt important or relevant any more.

The desire to connect with folk, have some fun, alleviate some tension and distract ourselves won out.

Still, I was genuinely expecting a lot of ridicule. I was a 40-year-old woman in full sparkle singing pop songs surrounded by her offspring. I assumed people would make fun of me. But they didn’t.

I think the intensity of the news meant daftness was in short supply. Plus, who doesn’t love to dance around to let some of the stress go?

Also, the cartoony strangeness of the sequins and the sprogs was like a caricature of what so many people had been experiencing.

Music has always been our family’s way of flipping the script – to celebrate or dance about and be silly, to shake off tension or to make each other laugh. It doesn’t always work – I’m pretty sure all my kids will leave home relieved they won’t hear me singing around the house any more – but when it’s good, it’s great.

One friend said that when she saw our Kitchen Discos that I looked the happiest she’d ever seen me. Lockdown was downright awful sometimes and I shouted/raged/resented more than normal, but the discos have been pure joy and I hope the kids will look back on them fondly.

Strange times. But I have felt such enormous affection for all who’ve been over to our house, virtually. What a lovely community of dancing people.

I’m proud to be part of the party and it has reminded me yet again of the importance of joy for joy’s sake, and silliness and music as a tonic for the soul.

© Sophie Ellis-Bextor, 2021

Spinning Plates, the book, is out on October 7th. Click here to pre-order a copy.

[rudjedet]

somecunttookmyurl replied to your post

“amazing. hit the t-minus 4 weeks mark until i’d have to go back to...”

"#you can come out of IVF with PTSD and it is NOT talked about enough" this does not really surprise me it doesn't seem like a pleasant process, on the whole. but medical ptsd in general is something nobody ever talks about bc doctors don't want to admit they're causing psychological harm to their patients amirite i am i'm right

you sure ain’t fucking wrong dude.

IVF is like... it can literally go wrong at ANY step of the way. literally.

You jab yourself with needles for at least 2 weeks in hopes of ripening follicles with eggs for the retrieval. This can go wrong and nothing can ripe, or too much can ripe and you end up with ovarian overstimulation syndrome, which means you have to wait anywhere between 6 weeks to several months before you can continue. We got lucky: 10 follicles bang on time. Still stressful as fuck.

Then the eggs get retrieved. Ever had a transvaginal ultrasound? It’s that, but now the ultrasound wand has a giant fuck off needle that punches through your uterus, into the follicles, to hopefully suck any eggs out. They don’t know if there are eggs in the follicles until they check in the IVF lab. This is generally considered horrible and painful as fuck, so they drug you to hell. I got lucky: it barely hurt because I’m a freak of nature. Still stressful as fuck beforehand.

Your hubbie/partner brings the eggs to the IVF lab while you sleep off having holes punched in your uterus like it’s a time card. This can go wrong, not only because he can technically have an accident on the way there, but also because there’s a non-zero chance there were no (usable) eggs extracted from the follicles. We got extremely lucky: I had 17 good-looking eggs (from 10 follicles!) Still stressful as fuck.

Extra stress: because I had so many double yolks, I was now at risk for ovarian overstimulation syndrome, see above. I got lucky: it didn’t happen. Still stressful as fuck.

Partner, if appliccable, jacks into a cup. This can go wrong because it can turn out because of the stress that the sperm isn’t of sufficient quality. Stressful, not so much for me.

You go home while the IVF technicians attempt to fertilise the eggs with sperm. You get an appointment for the third day after the retrieval, but until the morning of the transfer you will not know if any fertilisation occurred. So this can still go wrong after all of the above stress. Stressful as fuck. We got lucky: we had at least one fertilisation (they don’t tell you how many eggs were fertilised until you get there, just that you get the go ahead).

You go to the IVF lab for the transfer. Before the first, fresh transfer, they tell you how many of the eggs were fertilised. This can go wrong because the fertilised eggs might not even be of sufficient quality. They told me to sit down first so I freaked the fuck out. We got extremely lucky: we had 14(!) fertilised eggs that looked good to excellent. Fucking stressful bullshit.

After the transfer you may get a bunch of progesterone suppositories that you have to shove up there three times a day. And then literally all you can do is wait for 11-14 days before you can test. While you know there’s a blastocyst in your endometrial lining that may or may not implant. This is where it gets even more fucking stressful. We didn’t get lucky with that first transfer. Cue renewed heartbreak when you stare at the nth negative pregnancy test.

In the meanwhile, if you had more than one succesful fertilisation, they will attempt to cryofreeze the ones that weren’t transferred that day (over here, if you’re younger than 37 they’ll only transfer one egg at a time; over 37 and they’ll transfer two). This can go wrong. The eggs may not survive this process. We got lucky: the next week we received a letter that 12 of the remaining 13 eggs were succesfully frozen. If you’re like me, you’ll feel bad about the one that was lost because you consider the fertilised eggs your babies already. Highly stressful on top of the already stressful business of waiting and hyperfocusing on ANY sign of implantation/pregnancy.

If, like us, you were unlucky in the getting-pregnant department but lucky enough to have extra eggs, you get to try again the next month or month after that. I had to be on HRT for two weeks prior because they’d previously knocked my cycle out because of the endometriosis. About 11 days into your medicated cycle they’ll check the thickness of your endometrial lining. If it’s thick enough, you get the go ahead. In case of an unmedicated cycle, you have to do ovulation tests until you get a positive, in which case you get the go ahead. You get an appointment at the lab, but now you have to wait until the morning of the day of to hear whether or not one of the eggs successfully thawed because guess what: that can still go wrong. We got lucky: all four cryo transfers thawed without issues.

Repeat steps 6-7. Get to do the stressing all over again! Eventually we got lucky: on our 3rd transfer, we had a positive pregnancy test.

You call in the result, everybody is happy and congratulates you. Then you get to wait another 4-6 weeks before the term ultrasound. The first time this happens, this is kind of exciting! But it can still go wrong, because 25% of pregnancies naturally abort before 7 weeks. Stressful, and the days seem to stretch like thick jelly. We didn’t get lucky: miscarried our first baby at 8 weeks, on the very morning of the ultrasound. The most heartbreaking thing to ever have happened. I saw our baby that day, but I didn’t want it to be on a piece of toilet paper, lifeless.

Repeat steps 6-9, or, in our case, 6-11, but this time miscarry at 6 weeks, on your first wedding anniversary just to add insult to injury.

Optional: Get your fucking endometrial cysts removed because now your gynaecologists suspects you either have some serious fucking bad luck, or the cysts are actively working against a lasting pregnancy. Stressful and painful as fuck.

Repeat steps 6-10. We got lucky: another positive test. Apparently my body figured out how to do the whole getting pregnant thing at that point, because I was pregnant three times in a row. Now the waiting begins again. You’re at this point so traumatised and so convinced your body is incapable of carrying to term, you’re having a hard time being happy and/or bonding with the little bean inside you. You go to the term ultrasound. Your heart is in your throat. But then you see baby’s heart beat on the monitor, and your amazingly awesome beautiful gynaecologist says there’s now a 97% chance you’ll carry to term. We got lucky. So lucky.

Be pregnant. Try not to freak. You’ll freak anyway. You shit bricks every time you go to the bathroom, expecting to see the blood of a beginning miscarriage any day now. You can’t enjoy the pregnancy. Pregnancy sucks anyway, fuck that shit with a rusty cactus. Every time you buy something for the baby, or tell a new person of your pregnancy, you think that’s the moment you’ll miscarry, because it was never meant to be for you. If you’re like me, you end up on sick leave from work because your first miscarriage started there and the site of your job and miscarriages are now forever linked. Every ultrasound appointment is the most stressful thing you’ve ever done, convinced as you are your baby will die before birth. You call your obstetrician every week just to get another check done because you’re so worried. We got so lucky: our baby was in perfect health every time.

Give birth. Feel like you’re the fucking luckiest people on the goddamn planet because that little bean you just pushed out of your vagina spent almost a year as an icicle and what the fuck? is that kind of miracle? Thank the Lord and all that is holy for modern medicine.

Remain traumatised and deadly afraid you’ll lose your baby to SIDS any day now, to the point you actively tried not to bond just to make the heartbreak you just know is coming less. Bond with your baby anyway because she’s adorable, amazing, so soft, and the cutest, sweetest, most beautiful thing you ever laid eyes on. 

Realise very acutely that there are many, many people who have to go through all of the above without ever coming out of it at the other end with a baby. Cry. 

But yeah let’s not talk about how traumatising all of that shit is. You’ll get support at the hospital, sure, but if you’re lucky enough to even get pregnant it’s often crap because “we don’t do trauma help during pregnancy”. And yeah okay that makes sense, that kind of stress won’t be good for the baby. But the other kind of stress you’re dealing with isn’t, either.

[drdumaurier]

What is the general opinion of your muse’s fandom about them? Do you agree with it?

Questions for Muns of Canon Muses

This ask might just open Pandora’s box, but I’m not going to go into too many details as it would take me too long to answer... we’ll see if I manage to not make it too long. I think a fair warning is in order as this might just turn into a rant halfway through and it’s only my opinion.

So the general opinion is... divided to say the least. There are truly very different views of her, both from people who love her and from people who hate her. And also all the people in the middle. Though, I must say that I feel like she tends to be a character that is mostly loved or hated, I’ve rarely seen indifference towards her over the years and that since season 1 aired and that both in the general fandom and the RP fandom.  So there’s not one general opinion, there are a few, so I’ll go through the ones I think are the most important. 

Let’s start with the hate she gets. I’m going to generalise a bit to make it easier, but I know it’s not the case of everyone who dislikes her, just the majority I’ve seen online over the years and in her tag. There has been, especially during season 3, a lot of hate for her because she was the one who went to Europe and people who cheered happily at that scene post-credit. To each their own opinion, that’s valid, but my main issue is that some people tend to shit on a character because they’re in the middle of a ship and hate that character for that. That’s my issue here. She’s not useless, a jealous bitch, or “in the way”. I have my issues with season 3 for different reasons (that’s another whole post in itself), but in the end, it went that way, and I don’t think it’s fair to hate so much on a character just because she was “in the way” or useless for the story they imagine. You can not like what the writers did, you can not like a character, I don’t like every character or what the writers did, but it’s not okay to totally disregard a character like that. And she’s not the only character who got shit for the same reasons. So I don’t agree with that opinion. I totally respect not liking her, but I don’t agree with her being in the way or useless. Also I’m not okay with attacking people for liking her. Just respect others. 

Now, for the people who love her. There are different opinions, especially with her relationship with Hannibal and how involved/in control she is and the post-credit scene in season 3. I think that in this case, it’s a matter of personal observations and what conclusions you draw. In my case, it also depends on how the other character is portrayed for when I write threads, especially in season 3. I don’t think there’s a general opinion tbh, at least not about her backstory, her relationship with Hannibal, her trip to Europe, and the end of season 3. And that’s fine, honestly it’s interesting to see how people interpret the scenes. Now for my personal opinion about some things... her backstory, it’s in my about and headcanons. Her relationship with Hannibal depends on the thread and the person I’m writing with, but usually I see her as curious, but careful. She seems genuinely scared at time, so while I believe she has the capacity to protect herself and has some power over him, she knows what can happen to her when she’s around him, especially in Europe. Now to Europe since we’re on the subject, I don’t think she went that willingly, but that she went because she was scared and also partly because of her curiosity. However, she managed to find a way out and I think that shows she has some power over him as he could have just blatantly refuse to corroborate her story. It still was a traumatising time though, she didn’t leave unscarred even if there are no physical marks of the trauma. As for the post-credit scene... let’s pretend it never happened. More seriously, I don’t believe she did it herself, it seems so out of character to hurt herself like that for someone else. Tbh I’ll forever be annoyed as we were told she was the smartest character and yet she was thrown through that, it just seems out of character, but I still don’t see it as her doing that to herself. 

So here you have it. I don’t agree with everything, but she’s such a mysterious character that I don’t think there will ever be only one general opinion. And as I said, this is only my opinion, I don’t have the sacred truth and everyone’s view is valid. 

[wrongwiredmind]

Before I start saying anything I'd like to warn that the content of this post is both gore and contains suicidal thoughts, if any of that triggers you, please do not read, I care about whoever is reading but I can't hold any responsibility for anything that might follow, stay safe, and remember that no matter what, what comes next in your life will be better, one way or another.

This post is rather long, but that's kinda the point of this page, here we go, then.

So, I had almost my weirdest dream to date, right now, and then I thought, to heck with it!! Let's share something!

So first of all, I need to set some points straight before writing so it might explain a few things, hopefully, without giving a lot away about my personality:

(I have no idea how to put them on order, so they're pretty much a mumbo jumbo. Ah~ My favourite type of writing~. Kidding, of course, I actually prefer reading well written stories and articles)

Anyhow:. 1- I have a really deep unexplainable fear of the vast beast called an ocean (or a sea, or really anytype of deep water), I still go to the beach and pools and whatever, but there's always some sort of an icy grip tightening around my non-existent heart.

2- I love IronMan! So so much, and I kinda adopted Tony Stark!! (no one tell him, please!).

3- my adoration of a certain supernatural series made me love batman! (well, not entirely true, I always loved him, but kinda from afar, you get me?)

4- want me to get hooked on something? Give me a fanfic of it!! (of course like a series or a book, not a substance, you bad bad people!!), that's how I loved Bilbo!! (imagine me saying it in my adorable voice, the one I use when I try to sound cute 😉)

5- I binge read a certain fanfic about those two amazing superheroes saving the world, and themselves!! (I refuse to give up the name since if you think this is me oversharing? You've got another thing coming, honey!) that had a cruise and another prototype of the IronMan suit (don't ask which mark it is but it's so fast it broke the sound barrier!!)

6- I'm a little bit under the weather, (not corona, folks!) and my throat is kinda itchy, to the point that I lost all my vocal prowess for a little more than 24 hours a few days ago, still kinda annoying, and my stomach rebelled so much yesterday (before and during sleeping) that I thought she should take the rebellion symbol from Mr. Che Jivara!! (with all due respect to him, I'm only joking, so please no one takes it seriously).

7- I'm a little bit of a spacetoon (and all that's good and beautiful in our childhood) encyclopedia, want a name of a cartoon or a song you can't remember? I'm usually your best bet, after the second mother, google, of course!!

8- this week is so dead that if you want to see zombies come to our lectures any time in it, seriously we're so under a lot of exams, thank God and the doctors for postponing our tasks and assignments' due-date.

9- if I was a little more of an extrovert I might not have had to write most of these strange snippets about me in a freaking post!!!

And finally, on with the dream! (another thing you probably know by now, that I kinda take you around and under and left and right before I say what I want to say).

So, it was an assignment to some sort of subject (don't ask me which, since as far as I know, not a single thing in our curriculum will make me do what I'm about to do here, or at least, I hope so!!!), we made some type of fall-body suit that needed analysing (who am I kidding, it was the IronMan suit!!), and guess who was picked as a pilot? That's right! Yours truly!!

Anyway, good thing to bad, we had to make the prototype test in the middle of the (as I said above) the vast beast! Mr. Oceanus (I know that that is a Mr. Titan, but who am I, the lowly mortal, to deny his decision to appear in my paragraphs? And no, he didn't show up in the dream, thank God! [ours, not any of the others]),

So, I was put in the cruise, in the middle of the ocean, with the IronMan suit, and a seriously sick stomach, can you guess where we're going with this? (I'm actually kinda enjoying writing this since it reminds me of a certain mad superhero/not superhero who finally joined the XMen!, of course he joined a few years ago but I only watch the second movie circa a month ago) no? let me tell you, a bit of dizziness, seasickness, and an already rebellious stomach? Not a good combination, and remember that I really, really fear the ocean (just remembering the dream and the images in my head is traumatising, let alone living it vividly for a few hours), so, I fell, and strangely enough, I was a good swimmer (ah~ I really count my blessings here since no matter who or when someone taught me to swim, I still can't manage), I was able to stay close to the ship, but couldn't really pull myself up, so all I could do was keep a good hold on a rope tied around the ship and keep my legs in a calculated, slow what feels like a walking-in-place exercise,, (I can still feel the water around me, and the gentle waves of the ocean, it was both a calming feeling and a horrible one) and then...

Something touched the soles of my feet, and it kinda hurt, and it continued to move under me till something hit my toes, it was a shark fin, that's right, a shark choose me as his next meal, how honoured I was!!! Kidding i was kinda terrified, but all that YouTube survival videos came to mind, I left the rope of the ship and kinda dipped under water (triple scare, here, yikes!) and I... pushed.. his muzzle?

Yeah, so not really what they taught you in the videos, my polite nature rears its ugly head again (politeness is not as good as it seems, people! actually once a stray dog entered our home and jumped on the couch, and I was asking nicely and politely if "Mr. Dog would pretty please leave us be", and no, I wasn't scared but mom told me not to touch it, and it kinda was a cute, if a mangy mutt)

I didn't really want to punch the shark, even if my life kinda depended on it here, for a few reasons and actually at least one of them was pretty reasonable, which is, my punch is pretty weak, guys!!

Anyway, of course since its skin kinda scratched my feet there was blood, so it didn't leave me alone, two things I concluded here, first, Mr. Shark was either a lazy guy since he was coming to me slowly as if he either was a giant cat coming for pets no matter how many times you push her, or he was playing with his food, aka, me.

The second thing I discovered was that I was really sick in real life since my imagination couldn't conjure another family member of my guest here (again with the small mercies, can you imagine being alone around all these carnivores? And I bet not all of them will be moving so leisurely!!)

So, I finally decided to be the champ of my cruise and punch the thing in the face, so I pulled up all the power I can in my fist and punched him in his snout!!!

And let me tell you, it's not as easy is they make it sound, first, his nose is actually pretty hard, not the sensitive area they led us to believe, second, my hand really hurt and his skin scratched my knuckles, and I believe it kinda broke a bone in my hand, third, and worse, it actually enraged the mister so much that it left me, J-squared again and this time, flew! in my direction and I swear I still feel his teeth sinking in the shin of my right leg, but before he tore it apart, I actually did the right thing to defend myself, I (and I apologise, Mr. Dream shark, but you really hurt both my leg and my feelings!!) poked his eyes, which made for a very awkward stretch to my body, but finally, I was left alone!! With a mangled leg, of course, but hey!! It's not real life, so let's be glad.

The saltwater stinging my feet, still sick, and more dizzy from blood loss, you have no idea how glad was I that I was still near the ship, a little bit more than a meter but still floating, and then, the bad became worse, I actually goT SWALLOWED WHOLE BY A WHALE!!!!!!!!, YUP!! THE WHALE IN THE PICTURE!!!

And then god with his mercies again, it swallowed the ship but opened his mouth for me to leave, neat, ain't it?

But let me tell you what happened in a little more details, I felt a ripple in the water beneath and around me, and the ship started to sway, and a faint sound of something between a roar and strange song-like-sound, feeling the rumble under me was what made me look, and lo and behold!! The mighty animal wanted the meal that the shark didn't get, bye bye world!! Bye bye the suit that I still didn't to get to wear! And bye bye the report I needed to write for this freaking assignment that because of it I might fail and my friends will rail me when they see me!!

The ship and I couldn't help but enter the mouth of the humongous fish, the sounds of the wood, metal, glass and whatever is the cruise was made of was deafening, so loud and cruel, and I got a more than a few bruises and abrasions, and the feel of his teeth behind my back, sharp and huge and bigger than my own size, was something I don't know how to describe, and suddenly between all the breaking and suffocating water and absolute darkness, something caught my eyes, the slits in the helmet of the suit were lit, I'm sure it was a malfunction because of all the destruction on Mark, but it took all my fear, as if sucking it from my own eyes, and as sudden as it glowed, it vanished, but the calm remained, I closed my eyes, since it didn't matter, and just stopped everything, even trying to hold my breath, but not breathing as well, as if all body functions just... Stopped.

And then my eyes flew open again, not because I woke up, but because of an almost crushing change in the water pressure, it just pushed me forward more inside the huge mouth, and when I thought that this is it, I found the whale mouth moving further away from me, taking the ship and Mark with it, and leaving me alone, in the middle of the ocean that I wanted to say "c'mon!! If you ate me it'll be a win-win situation!!!!" but the second I opened my mouth water rushed inside that I tried swimming up to breath (even though not knowing which way is up was problematic, since something similar happened in real life before I wasn't worried, but that's a story for another time), breaking the surface was a godsend, I tell you! But my misery wasn't in any way over, I was so thirsty I actually wanted to drink salt water a again (and then death, oh wow, how smart?), and once the adrenaline deserted me, my leg returned to trying to kill me, and I don't know if it was a real thing if it happened in real life but it actually stopped bleeding, which was both fantastic, since it means that I won't die of bloodloss, and horrifying since I'm not going to die because of bloodloss, at least then I would have been able to calculate an approximate time for my death, but no, I have to wait and see what kills me next, I almost wished that I just had my previous stomachache and be done with.

Anyway, moving was not really an option, and staying was not either, and the breeze was making me so cold my teeth almost broke from all the shattering they were doing, I wasn't really sure when the others might decide to check on me, and I'm not really sure if I was still in the place they left me at, and I really didn't know what to do, I was so helpless, and cold, and thirsty, in so much pain and so so tired.

I cursed the whale again for not ending my misery, and cursed the shark for being a coward and not finishing what he started and cursing the assignment for being so impossible yet important, and most of all cursing myself, though I don't know why, but my self-loathing decided that now is the time to remember how horrible I am.

As physics does, the water raised me till I was floating on my back, which made me feel even more cold but I didn't have any energy to do anything about it, and strangely, I fell into some sort of doze, not asleep yet not really awake and aware, my whole body half above half into the water, though my right, injured leg, was bend in the knee into the water, which made my pained scream when something took hold of it in its mouth the more agonizing since it made my upper body enter the water, and the thing holding my leg left it alone, and I was able to right myself and look around me for the next threat, the fear was immense that I thought I might get a heartattack, which, admittedly would be better than the pain going to be inflicted upon me any second now, looking around finally led me to what attacked me, and for a moment, with my blurry, and fear filled eyes looked like Mr. Shark has indeed returned to finish what he started, he even returned to his play-with-my-food attitude, but when my eyes finally focused they detected differences, from the lighter shade of colors, to the more smooth curves of the fin and snout, and the gentle, warm (even if it looked sleepy) strange brown tone of the mammels eyes,

The dolphin was about two meters away, and looking at me with intense, twinkling eyes (if they were blue and he wore glasses, or at least marking that looks like it, I would have thought that the dolphin was Dumbledore' animagus and I really wouldn't have hesitated this time to punch his already crocked nose.. err.. snout [which it isn't, the dolphin's snout was perfect] with my broken hand!!) and moved slowly towards me, he pushed me gently with his nose in my abdomen, swam back a few inches, then entered the water and moved towards my leg, not touching it, but he was close enough to feel with my already almost destroyed sensitive nerves, he did all of that while I'm standing/floating, stupefied, hardly even breathing, and then he left, and pushed me again with his snout on my back, this time with more pressure that my body couldn't help but move to the dolphin's right side to let him pass, with my hand just above his back, when my hand touched his prominent back fin, he pushed my hip gently, as if telling me something, and pushed his fin into my hand again, it felt like rubber, and I couldn't help but ask "you want me to hold you?" he made a strange clicking noise then kinda slapped the water with his side fin in the other side of me, and bizarrely, his actions made me feel as if he was saying "are you stupid? Why else would I offer you my magnificent dorsal?!!" I stared, flummoxed, at the creature and couldn't help but throw my head back and laugh, I'm certain that it was the tension, fear and hysteria that made me do it, but for me, the whole situation was so hilarious that it seemed like it made Mr. Dolphin look at me and think "alright, the pathetic, hurt, star-shaped blemish is, indeed, stupid and needs help from my majesty" and then, using his right fin, slapped me non-too-gently on the side of my left hip, squeaking something as well and pushed his dorsal in my left hand again, but when he noticed my wince, he actually kinda rubbed his slippery appendage on my thigh while honest-to-god cooed at me that I couldn't help but smile at him, "it's okay, big guy, and thanks; you know, you kinda remind me of flipper!" and then I petted him a couple of times (which he purred at, I think I need a cat! 🤔🤔) then grabbed his fin in a tight but non constricting grip, my right hand was swollen by now so my only hope was to keep holding using my left hand, after shaking his body a little as if to check my hold, he dove with me into the water!! I almost screamed in fright but then he broke the surface and jumped about three meters high into the air!!!

Hello, there, adrenaline, didn't see you since a few!!

He dove again into the water and this time gradually moved towards the surface, with the water flowing into my hair and pushing me from my saviour, my left leg moved on its own violation and moved around the body as if I was riding a horse,

"WOOHOO!!", I shouted once we were in the air again, it was exhilarating; cold, but thrilling, though the warm body beneath me was perfect, he took me in a straight if slightly curvy line, and when I noticed that, I also noticed that his right fin was not moving as his left, I even thought he was injured for a second, but then a sharp sting in my leg and a slight jerk from him made me understand, my injured leg was beneath his wing-like appendage, and he was being considerate, as a solution, I flattened myself on his back, kept my left leg dangling as if in the horse saddle, my right one, as gently as possible, bend on the knee above the dolphin's back, my left hand gripping the top fin with it touching my shoulder, and my broken right hand above Mr. Flipper's cousin head, and then I came into a a sudden realization!! "does that mean I'm Lopaka????" I asked Flipper the second, and he made a sound suspiciously almost like a snort, but my change of position made him move in a much more pronounced straight line; the speed decreased as I started to doze again, as if he was worried about dislodging me, though the annoying feeling of the salt crusting on my skin woke me up, no idea how much time had past, except that the sun was on either the verge of descending or rising, and finally, finally, I saw land and buildings and what not from afar, and I certainly moved to another continent all together, let alone another country, after reaching the area where I could stand comfortably on the ground beneath the water, people started to come to see what was happening, I ignored them for the sake of my silent companion, suddenly he actually stood on his tail fin, and kinda sort of awkwardly leaned on me without trying to put too much pressure, I didn't understand what was happening though it seemed sorta like a hug?

Anyway, I pat his back again, (and again with the weird purring noise), when he released me I felt buzzing in the back pocket of my jeans, I actually still have my phone!!!

Pulling it out and snorting that after everything that happened my phone was still working!! all I could say is "well, it seems like the time of a picture, Mr. Flipper, sir!" and after an awkward kneeling so I could put my injured arm around him and trying to stretch my bloody leg (both meanings are accurate here, tbh) so it wouldn't interfere with the selfie, I positioned my left hand.

And the last thing I remember is the picture of my (Lopaka the second 😂) wide mouth grin and an equally wonderful grin from Mr. Flipper the second!!!

The End.

It really was a dream I had, with all these details, the only thing that's not entirely true about this post, is saying that this is the weirdest dream I had.

[criminalmindsdrabbles]

TITLE: Lover of Mine [10:58 pm, 11/08/20]

AUTHOR: criminalmindsdrabbles

RATING:  T-T+

RELATIONSHIPS: Spencer Reid x Reader

PROMPT/SUMMARY: @candice-wayland requested in 2018, (Jesus I’m so sorry for logging out bc that’s why it’s taking two years as I forgot my password!): can you do one where the reader is traumatised and she refuses to cry, even though she needs to, and Spencer helps her??

WORD COUNT: N/A (I’m on notes so I can’t tell, I’m so sorry!)

TRIGGER WARNING: talks about a gun to someone’s head and deep cuts? If there’s anything else let me know!

AUTHOR’S NOTE: so I’m pretty sure my last one was in like?? 2017?? Holy shit but um. Yeah. Here you go? Another Spencer Reid one because who can say no to Spencer Reid?

MULTI-CHAPTERS: it can be, if people want it!

She’d been fine on the flight back. Normal, even. She’d laughed and joked with JJ, and teased Matt and Luke relentlessly like she did her own brothers. She had sat with Dave and done her paperwork so she didn’t have to do it at two in the morning (something she was prone to doing.) She had been fine.

And then she’d got back to her flat, saying goodnight to luke who was a couple of doors down, and shut the door.

And then there was silence.

And that... was more difficult to deal with. But still. She’d put her go bag outfits in the wash, watched a tv programme without watching it whilst it dried, ironed it and folded it back up for the inevitable call.

And once she was in bed, restless from the start, she remembered.

-

“Any last words, Agent Y/L/N?,” the unsub taunted you. Jacob Mikaelson. A 21 year old who had snapped when a girl had rejected him after years of pent up feelings. You had a half mind to tell him to go suck your dick because it’d be bigger but had a feeling, considering the gun pointed in the middle of your forehead, that that’d be an unwise choice.

“Just one thing,” you were proud of yourself, and the ability to keep your voice calm and devoid of the panic you felt rising in you. He gave you a lecherous smirk and you swallowed down the bile. Not the time.

“She won’t love you.” He flinched, minutely, but still flinched nevertheless. And then cocked the gun. Well, fuck, you lamented in your head, forcing yourself to roll your eyes as if you were bored and not terrified.

“No matter how many people you kill, Jacob, she will never love you. She never has and she never will. Not now that you’ve gone down this route,” he looked like she was hitting him and she supposed she was with the words.

It had always been something she had been good at.

“She’s already engaged Jacob. And she’s pregnant,” this, you considered, was not entirely true. She was pregnant but only you and Spencer had figured that out. “She will never love you. All you’ll be to her is a monster.” He pushed the gun to your head and you kept your eyes on him, wanting to stare him down as he took your life if nothing else, and forced a smile onto your face. “Last words spoken,” you taunted, and just as he got ready to shoot you, to end your life, your team came bursting in, someone having kicked the door down.

-

It was safe to say you hadn’t had any sleep. You had tried. But every time you closed your eyes, your mind replayed the sound of the gun against your temple and you were wide awake. You put your hair in a low bun, foregoing makeup, knowing that the team would probably see through it anyway, and put a pair of black jeans on and a pale blue jumper that was oversized. Walking in, Luke raised and eyebrow at your state of attire, knowing that it was unlike you. You gave him a smile, as if nothing was wrong, and he gave you an easy smile in return. “Late night,” he teased you and you felt a smile tug at your lips, and laughed softly, shaking your head, walking with him to where your group was, in a rare moment, chilling at one of the tables. You sat down, kicking your legs up and leant back, relaxing a bit. It was sad, but true, that you never felt more at home than when you were in work.

“Nah. My boyfriend broke up with me a couple of months ago,” you said, shrugging, ignoring the stinging in your chest at the reminder, “didn’t like that I had a job that wasn’t nine to five,” you added, rolling your eyes and smirking, the girls chuckling, whilst the men looked shocked.

“We thought you were together still,” Spencer exclaimed and you nodded, not surprised in the least, seeing as that was what you wanted. You said as much.

“I wanted that, honestly. It was no big issue compared to that case we had going on and I had foreseen it coming for a while. We didn’t want the same things anymore, and I wasn’t willing to leave the job I love for a guy who I knew wasn’t going to stay faithful,” Spencer’s face flickered with something indescribable before he nodded.

“Well, if you ever want anyone to be set up with, I know a couple of guys who are good,” you gave Matt a smile, thankful for the gesture.

“Thank you, although at the moment, I’m more than content to just feed the stray cat that keeps coming to my flat,” Matt and Luke laughed.

“I though she was actually yours,” Luke exclaimed and you laughed, shaking your head,

“No, god no,” you laughed, “my sister would have a fit, seeing as she hates cats,” seeing the questioning look, you laughed, grateful no one had mentioned your state,

“I have four brothers and one sister. The brothers are all older,” your lips twitched, remembering the threats that had slipped from their mouths when they found out about your breakup, and a look of understanding crossed Matt’s face. Right, he had kids. They’d probably have similar relationships with each other. “So my brothers are complete twats,” you said, laughing, and Matt chuckled, Dave, who was the only one who had met them, joining in, “and when we were little, my sister was obsessed with wanting a cat. Like,” you leaned forward, not noticing Spencer staring at you, completely enraptured, “she put up a petition on the fridge and basically blackmailed my brothers and I into signing it,” you laughed, remembering your tall, teenage, football playing brothers being cowed into signing a sheet of paper by an eight year old.

“And so, as retaliation, they got the stray cat, fuck knows how, into our garden and basically presented him to her as a ‘gift’,” you put quotation marks around the last word and by now they were all listening, “anyway, she went to pet him and pick him up but he’s a stray and really fucking defensive so she got scratched on the arms,” here you grimaced, not having quite forgotten that scream, and seeing the blood, and the pure pain on her face.

“Anyway, she had to get a shit ton of stitches and ever since she’s kept a very wide berth of cats. She has a literal phobia of them, something we use as guilt trip ammunition when we need something,” you admitted and they laughed.

“So yeah. The cat isn’t mine, but I do love going out and sitting on the balcony and having a cup of coffee,” Garcia laughed quietly at the coffee and muttered something about ‘glorified sugar’, earning a middle finger in return, “with the cat laid on me. And I alway leave some food out for it too,” you added. They all looked amused and you raised an eyebrow.

“It’s totes yours,” Garcia said gleefully, and you shook your head, ready to deny it some more when Spencer laughed and you turned, your breath hitching slightly, and cursing yourself for the stupid crush you had on your co worker. You could see JJ smirk at your reaction and discreetly flipped her off.

“Cats typically don’t bond with just anyone, especially stray cats, and so when they do, it’s typically someone they consider ‘theirs’,” you felt your eyes go wide slightly and the team laughed.

“I was just feeding it!” You defended yourself, and he nodded, not phased,

“It probably began to trust you as a result and then saw you as theirs.” You groaned and the team laughed once more.

“Great,” you grumbled, “now I need to shop for cat supplies,” you weren’t actually put out as you knew your sister would come round eventually and you liked the cat, but still. It felt nice to be able to joke with the team.

-

On the way back, you laid your head on the plane window and sighed. The past few days had been tiring as it was, but paired with no sleep you were exhausted and you knew it was beginning to show. Someone slid into the seat opposite you and you looked up to see Spencer. You gave him a tired smile, something he returned and he looked out the window with you.

“You okay?” You looked at him and wondered if you could say yes, but realised that it was Spencer and that he, more than anyone, would see right through you, so you settled for a shrug,

“Just tired. The case was pretty heavy,” you admitted, hating that you felt like that, but he nodded.

“We saved her,” he pointed it out, gentle and soothing, something you knew was true. But still.

“Did we?” You murmured, “she’s gonna remember that growing up. She’s going to remember being tied down for some sick assholes pleasure and not being able to do anything about it. She was a kid,” your voice hitched slightly, and you saw Matt look over briefly before going back to talking to his wife.

“I know.” You looked at him then, and truly noticed for the first time the bags under his eyes and the way his hair was unkempt and fuck if it didn’t make your stomach flutter. “But she’s got her mum and dad and her brothers,” the last part, you realised was not meant for the kid, but for you and you nodded.

You did have your brothers. But you couldn’t talk to them about this. They hadn’t wanted you to join in the first place and had only just started coming round to your way of thinking, but you nodded nevertheless.

-

Walking in the next day, Spencer met you at the door and inclined his head in a way you knew meant that he wanted to talk. You wordlessly went with him, the two of you automatically going to the office Emily had got for you when the office got too much for your senses.

Once you were in you locked the door and went to get a drink for the both of you, not bothering to speak first, knowing he’d probably already known what he wanted to say.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Your gaze snapped to his and he remained calm, and continued, “whatever it is that’s making it so you aren’t sleeping?” You felt your throat close up, suddenly dry and forced the lump that had appeared there down.

“It’s nothing,” you murmured, knowing it was silly. But still, he gave you one of his earnest looks and you felt your lips move on their own accord. Stupid crush, “I’ve just been having nightmares for a couple of nights from our previous case,” he looked like he was correct (something you didn’t doubt) and nodded.

“The one which ended with the gun to your head right?” You tried to speak but found your throat had closed up and nodded. He sighed. “It isn’t your fault and you had no way of knowing he’d do that,” you found yourself shaking your head.

“I should have seen the signs, I should have been able to talk him down, I should have,” your voice broke and you found, to your growing horror, that you were crying. His eyes filled with understanding and he nodded, and wordlessly opened his arms. Normally you wouldn’t have entertained the idea but you didn’t hesitate to rush into them, sinking into the embrace and breaking dow, feeling as if you were letting out a tidal wave of emotions that had been being bottled up.

After what felt like an endless amount of time, you got your bearing and realised you were curled on Spencer, your head on his shoulder, and that at some point you’d been put on the sofa. Oh god, you thought, horrified, he’d just seen you when you were weak.

“You weren’t weak.” You didn’t dare lift your head up even at his words because of course he’d say that, “in fact, it’s stronger of you to show your emotions like that than not showing them,” his voice held certainty. You pulled away slightly and winced.

“I ruined your suit,” you mumbled, and he chuckled,

“I think, in the grand scheme of things, that you making my suit damp is the least of my worries,” he teased you and you laughed without meaning to, and felt him relax at the sound.

“Thank you,” you murmured and he nodded, his hair tickling you and you felt your lips twitch at the sensation,

“Well, in that case, is now a good time to tell you I reciprocate your feelings then?”

[sirloozelite]

Okay prompt idea! Rex’s date/girlfriend is invited to a big BBQ at Kaesoka’s house with all the gang. She’s the only person who hasn’t stumbled on them fooling around, until now!

Oh hi anon......that’s a nice prompt idea..... though I feel really sorry for what is about to happen to Rex’s date! I guess no one can escape the chaos of Kaesoka for long though!  Side note, rather than just refer to Rex’s date as ‘Rex’s date’, I’m going to give her a name. Since ‘Rex’ is Latin for King, I figured I’d go for the Latin for Queen as her name.... so, meet ‘Regina’.  Hope you enjoy the drabble. If you’ve any more ideas feel free to send them my way. Same goes to everyone else!  XD

************

Scene: Kaesoka’s apartment. Ahsoka and Kaeden are hosting a BBQ to celebrate the anniversary of the fall of the Empire. Pretty much everyone is there.... even Thrawn!!!

Regina: Oh wow! I love this apartment! How did Ahsoka get this?

Rex: Chancellor Organa gave it to her years ago as a place to rest after long missions. These days though it’s been corrupted into a lovenest!

Regina: I’m sure it’s not that bad!

Rex: You poor innocent soul. If only you knew...

Ahsoka: Hey! You two made it! Welcome, welcome!

Rex: Sup Commander.

Regina: Hello. Thank you for inviting us. I’m honoured to be here!

Ahsoka: Nah, it’s no worry. Make yourself at home.... everyone else has.... haven’t you Masana!!!!

Ninth Sister: (sitting on the couch, taking up all the room by herself) Yep!

Ahsoka: So yeah.... make yourself at home Regina. I don’t know where Kaeden is at the moment, but feel free to mingle with everyone else. 

Regina: Thank you. 

Rex: Thanks Ahsoka. 

Ahsoka: Anytime, now if you will excuse me. 

Ahsoka leaves. 

Regina: There are so many people here! Did they all help you take down the Emperor. 

Rex: Most of them did. Some are people we’ve met since then who disliked the Emperor as much as we did. We hold these celebrations every year to celebrate, and to remember those that sacrificed themselves to defeat Sidious. 

Regina: Oh.... I’m sorry. I didn’t...

Rex: It’s ok. People die in war.... and their sacrifice freed the galaxy. 

Regina: So.... anyone interesting that I should definitely meet?

Kanan: (appearing from behind as if by magic) Did someone say ‘an interesting person’? Because if so.... that's me all over!

Rex: Ha! That’s an understatement. Regina this is Kanan Jarrus, a Jedi Master. Kanan, this is Regina. 

The two shake hands. Regina notices the markings on Kanan’s mask that covers his eyes. 

Regina: Huh? Those markings on that mask.... they look like the ones you’ve got on your helmet Rex?

Kanan: That’s because Rex painted them on there himself as a gift so I could see through his eyes. 

Regina: See through his eyes? What do you mean?

Kanan: I’m blind, thanks to a lightsaber to the face. 

Regina: Oh! I’m so sorry... I didn’t know!

Kanan: That’s alright. No offence taken. It’s no big deal anyways. I can still see. 

Jacen appears behind Kanan

Jacen: Dad? Can you come and play Twister with me, Ezra and Sabine please?

Kanan: Of course little man! Let’s go beat those two kids! Nice meeting you Regina!

Kanan departs with his son.

Regina: I feel so bad! I didn’t realize he was blind!

Rex: Kanan’s a good soul. He won’t hold it against you. He never used to like me because I was a Clone, but he’s one of my closest friends now. I’m even the godfather to his daughter, Depa. 

Regina: That’s nice! Say.... who is that blue guys over there? Is he a Pantoran?

Thrawn: (overhearing Regina’s question)  -_-

Rex: Ha! No. He’s a Chiss, a species from the unknown regions. His name is Thrawn, and he used to serve the Empire before secretly helping us on the mission to take out the Emperor. He’s more of an acquaintance if anything, but we still like to invite him just in case. I’m honestly surprised he came this year. He’s usually very busy. 

Regina: Well it’s nice that he came even if he used to work for the Emperor. 

Rex: Yeah. We’ve got a few Imperial defectors here. Masana used to be an Inquisitor, a member of a Jedi hunting organisation, but she quit after she was left for dead and replaced. The guy with the sideburns is Kallus. He’s ex ISB. 

Regina: This is quite the melting pot of different people!

Rex: Yeah! I’ve told Ahsoka before that she seems to like collecting strays. The look on her face was priceless. XD

Regina: I’ll bet. Hey? I need to use the refresher. Do you know where...

Rex: Top of the stairs. Want me to go with you?

Regina: No no.... I can find my way. You go have fun. I’ll be back shortly. 

Rex: Ok. 

Rex heads off to mingle with the others whilst Regina heads for the refresher. Upon reaching the door, she finds it closed, but thinks nothing of it. 

Upon opening the door however, she is greeted with an unexpected sight. Ahsoka has Kaeden pushed up against the wall, their hands all over each other as they kiss. 

Regina: Oh! Kriff! I’m so sorry!

Kaeden and Ahsoka break apart, sheepish looks on both their faces. 

Kaeden: Eep!!!!

Ahsoka: REGINA! Don’t tell Rex!!!!!!

Regina breaks down laughing

Regina: Ha! Oh don’t worry about it! I’m not bothered!

Kaeden sneaks past, leaving Ahsoka with Regina. 

Ahsoka: Really though.... I am so sorry! I didn’t want to traumatise you in such a way!

Regina: Like I said... it’s no worry. Though I honestly didn’t believe Rex when he said you two couldn’t keep your hands off each other!

Ahsoka: Yeah... well.... can you blame me.... with a gorgeous girlfriend like her?

Regina: No.... I suppose not. Anyway, can I use the refresher please?

Ahsoka: Huh? Oh sure!

Ahsoka leaves and Regina uses the refresher. Afterwards, she heads back down to find Rex chatting with Ahsoka. 

Rex: Hey! All good? You were up there a while. 

Ahsoka: 0_0

Regina: Yeah... everything was fine. There was just a queue for the refresher. All sorted now. 

Rex: Oh.... ok then. 

Ahsoka: (smirks and mouths a ‘thank you for not telling him’ at Regina)

Regina: XD

Rex: .... why are you two smirking at each other? 

Ahsoka: Oh.... no reason Captain. 

Regina: Yeah.... no reason at all. 

Rex: .... wait.... you said there was a queue for the refresher.... and both Kaeden and Ahsoka were nowhere to be seen and..... no.....NO!

Ahsoka: Uh oh....

Regina: XD

Rex: AHSOKA TANO!!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!

Everyone turns to look at Rex and Ahsoka. 

Ahsoka: I... no... Rex.... it’s not what you think!!!

Ninth Sister: Don’t play dumb Tano! We all know where you and Larte disappeared to. We aren’t stupid!

[scripttorture]

I came across your Torture in Fiction tab where you reviewed a Doctor Who episode and mentioned your love of the show so I'm going to mention exactly what I'm writing. It's basically a Bill/Heather story after they leave together and I'd like to accurately take into account the type of consequences (short term and long termr) of the entire turned into a cyberman ordeal. So any input would be highly appreciated.

Anon, I think I love you. Lesbian romance in the stars with one of my favourite characters, you are too kind.

 Let’s start at the beginning.

 For those unfamiliar with Doctor Who, the Cybermen are a recurring foe. The idea behind them is that they are people, cybernetically enhanced people with all the ‘unnecessary’ bits removed. Like the ability to feel pain or hope or love. The ultimate aim of the Cybermen is to make everyone else like them. They believe that not having emotional connections makes them superior.

 And in one of Bill’s stories she gets turned into a prototype Cyberman. Except due to some unique circumstances the programming doesn’t quite take. Bill is left with a Cyberman body but her thoughts, personality and ability to feel are intact.

 Through more unique circumstances (which depending on your interpretation may include Bill dying and being resurrected-) Heather restores her body as it was pre-Cybermen.

 We’re never told exactly what happens to Bill. But it’s clear from the context that the procedure is painful and not consensual.

 We do see Bill for a few days afterwards. She struggles to accept that she’s a Cyberman and doesn’t seem to know how to process what she’s been through. She seems more or less OK, but given the short time frame we see her for it’s difficult to say if this is a bad portrayal or not. For some people it takes a while for things to sink in and for symptoms to become apparent.

 Going forward I’m going to assume that’s the case for Bill.

 I’m going to make a couple of other assumptions because there isn’t anything in reality which lines up that well with the Cybermen.

 There is not anything that can really 'take away' all emotions. Some drugs can result in emotional blunting as a side effect, but less intense emotion is not the same thing as no emotion. The intense, invasive surgical procedures that are implied to make a Cyberman are completely fictional, and probably wouldn't be survivable in reality.

 It's a scenario that you'd expect to be traumatic: an extremely painful, invasive act that re-structures the entire body and is done without consent. Given the particular circumstances in Bill's story, it's tempting to compare it to non-consensual medical procedures.

 As a black, lesbian woman who is aware of both modern politics and history it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume Bill can make the same comparisons I have. Black women have been subjected to forced sterilisation and used for medical experimentation within living memory (see The Immortal Life of Henreitta Lacks for a discussion of unethical experimentation in the recent past).

 Heather is less likely to be aware of this history and these issues.

 As I said there isn't anything that lines up exactly; I keep thinking of forced sterilisation, though this often doesn’t cause lasting physical pain. It also brought to mind some of the… less ethical ‘treatments’ and ‘experiments’ in recent history.

 We’ll assume that Bill has a realistic memory of what happened, that the experience was traumatising and that she isn’t in physical pain.

 I’d also make the argument that turning someone into a Cyberman could be considered torture in the legal sense. It’s done by a group that effectively controls territory, to people who are under their power. It causes suffering and in Bill’s case it is arguably done to punish the Doctor.

 You’ve read the blog before so you probably know the drill when it comes to the common long-term symptoms of torture. Here’s the Masterpost should anyone else want to have a look. I’ll get back to symptoms in a moment.

 In the short term I think that it’s likely Bill would experience something similar to modern survivors of ‘clean’ tortures.

 ‘Clean torture’ is a term Rejali uses to describe techniques that don’t often leave obvious external marks. These are no less dangerous then other methods; people can still be seriously injured, disabled or die because of clean torture techniques.

 But the lack of obvious marks makes it harder to prove a person was tortured. And when the public perception of torture is that it always leaves scars many survivors find they’re dismissed, belittled and denied services.

 People don’t believe they were tortured. Because we are taught that torture ‘must’ leave marks.

 And Bill has just come out of the Cyber-conversion process unscarred. In a world where most people believe that turning back once you’ve been made a Cyberman is impossible.

 This is likely to be a factor if she tries to get professional help as well as in everyday interactions.

 Bill herself might assume that her symptoms are overblown or somehow put on; that they’re not warranted because her body has been perfectly restored.

 When it comes to more long term symptoms, the right choice will always depend on the characters and the story you want to tell.

 Personally I wouldn’t want to give Bill suicidal tendencies or an addiction because I feel like those are symptoms that could shift the story away from the central relationship. I think they’re symptoms that usually demand more focus and that can make balancing them with the central story more difficult.

 I usually suggest that authors try to include memory problems in a realistic way and I think they’d be an especially good fit here. (The Masterpost summarising the most common forms of memory problems survivors have is here).

 Essentially I think that you could use memory problems to highlight how Bill’s time as a Cyberman has affected her mind. So much of our identity and self-image is rooted in our memories. Finding flaws in them, especially around important things, can shake our sense of self.

 And that ties in to the way Cybermen are consistently used in Doctor Who to denote the loss of self. All of the common memory problems could be used to raise these philosophical questions and tie Bill’s symptoms more firmly to the plot.

 Insomnia is a symptom I always find a little difficult because it has so many knock on effects.

 The worsening of reaction times, alertness, coordination, combined with the pain and shakes and occasional visual hallucination or micro-sleep means that insomnia isn’t a symptom I’d recommend for a character like a superhero. If you want the character to consistently win fights then it’s not a good pick.

 Similarly the long term effects on creativity, reasoning, concentration, emotional processing and learning mean it’s a bad pick if the character is supposed to be an inventive genius.

 One of the nice (but underutilised) things about Doctor Who is that the way the stories are typically structured means that not every character has to be exceptional at everything. Bill’s strengths were not superhuman physical combat or exceptional genius (even though she was incredibly intelligent); they were compassion and her ability to form fast, strong friendships with just about anyone she meets.

 Insomnia could fit your story but I think it depends on what you want the characters to do on a regular basis.

 Chronic pain could be a good fit.

 The conversion process radically changed Bill’s body, a change that she more or less refused to accept was real during the story. In those circumstances physical pain can be an interesting addition: it simultaneously acts as a reminder of what Bill suffered and ties her to her restored body now.

 And since chronic pain in torture survivors can be psychological, or a combination of psychological and physical, there’s no reason why Bill’s body couldn’t be perfectly healed while experiencing chronic pain.

 This is also a symptom that characters can be more proactive about. She can try things and find solutions much more quickly then she might be able to for something like depression. Stretches, exercise, mobility aids, organisation, painkillers and forward planning can all be helpful. And early success could help you to show the character feeling more empowered, reclaiming her body.

 I’m not sure if difficulty relating to others would be a good pick, considering Bill’s canonical strengths. However social isolation could be interesting as an obstacle to gradually overcome.

 Going beyond the usual symptoms- Have you read any of the Doctor Who comics? Because I keep thinking of The Flood, which was a Cyberman story with the Eighth Doctor.

 It had a rather wonderful Cyberman design and had the Cybermen attempting to persuade large numbers of people to volunteer for Cyber conversion. They did it by chemically manipulating the emotions of an entire city; making feelings unbearably intense and then offering the conversion process as a solution.

 Bill kept her feelings but she would have known she was supposed to lose them. And she’d go from that to having incredibly intense feelings. Because she’d have developed trauma symptoms.

 She might be tempted to view her symptoms as the ‘natural’ consequence of regaining full capacity for emotion, rather then due to trauma. Latching on to a physical, rather then psychological, difference.

 I’d also consider whether all of this changes Bill’s relationship with her own body. Relief at getting it back might be accompanied by a heightened awareness of changes, even natural ones.

 I think if I was writing this I’d be tempted to add in little details, triggers or self-soothing behaviours tied to her body.

 The Cyberman chest unit for that design looks heavy. Does compression around her chest make her panic? Do rubber gloves feel horrible? Does the sensation of something going over her face, like the ‘mask’ on these Cybermen, prompt intrusive memories?

 The ‘handles’ on the head were supposed to suppress emotion in this version. Could Bill reassure herself that they’re gone by touching her own hair? Do short sleeves feel ‘better’, because she can feel the sun, wind or rain against her skin? Does she wear her earrings more often, because the weight of them and the way they move is comforting?

 Good luck with your story. I hope this helps. :)

Availableon Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[jamkookies]

Okay

Description : A trip to Malta for the shooting of Bon Voyage seems peaceful enough until the moment things take an unexpected turn...

Word count : 3.3k

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Please, sir! I'm begging you! Open up, please!"

It was surprising how the both of you hadn't even moved an inch despite the cries that had begun to turn downright hopeless but as Jungkook's arm shields your body defensively, you decide that you just can't take it anymore.

"Jungkook, we should take a look." you say hesitantly, turning your head in his direction.

"No way. It's a trap." he claims. "I'm sure of it."

Your eyes keep boring holes into the door as if your vision could penetrate it.

It's quiet for a while.

Maybe he left.

Maybe he-

A thunderous boom to the door.

"We have to at least take a look, dammit!" you exclaim and push his arm away, now decisively heading towards it.

"Wait!" Jungkook yells after you but instead of stopping you, he joins your side. Before you can make any further attempts, he mushes his face onto the platform and looks into the tiny peephole. Curiosity can hardly keep you still.

At last, Jungkook retreats and motions for you to take a look as well but you don't know whether to expect a garnison of soldiers or a horde of wild bisons behind the door because the expression on his face is unreadable.

The cold surface of the platform touching your forehead only makes you grow even more uncomfortable. Then, your eyes are able to discern an obscure figure behind the magnifying glass. "You've got to be kidding me, " you whisper as your eyes naturally widen.

This could not be.

Him, out of all people....

Both you and Jungkook exchange a look of silent agreement and he pushes the open button with no words needed. The door swings open to reveal a slightly dishevelled-looking man with multiple cuts and bruises marking his face. Those eyes you'd seen gleaming with vigilance are now tired, drowsy yet still scarred with horrors you could only imagine. You'd never forget those eyes because they had been the ones that had given you a chance to escape, a chance to save yourselves.

"What are you doing here?" Jungkook wonders, not bluntly but rather in a puzzled demeanor.

"Let me in, please. I'll explain everything, " the old bodyguard says and throws a look behind his back and down the stairs.

You and Jungkook exchange another look and then the latter opens the door wider, giving him space to enter. The bodyguard's face almost melts in relief upon the gesture. He crosses the doorstep in two huge strides, putting the farthest distance from it.

From the moment the lock clicks back in place, a deafening silence hangs into the air, adding even more to the suspense.

You decide to break the ice first. "What do you mean they're gonna kill your family?"

The bodyguard takes notice of where your eyes are fixed and he unconsciously touches a bruise on his chin. "Actually, I lied about that. I had to convince you to open the door."

Your anger flares like wild fire but before the flames can grow higher he quickly compensates for his mistake. "I'm really sorry. I had to.They...they did some things to me...I'll explain everything but I don't have much time."

"Why?" you demand. "Are they following yo-"

"What are you doing here in the first place?" Jungkook interrupts.

The man appears to be going through an internal conflict as his eyes shut tight, hands clench and unclench and the line of his eyebrows angles into a wide V. His distressed condition explained so much and yet so little. His eyes that up till now had been staring at the ground, lift to level up with yours and then flick to Jungkook's. "I went through hell itself to get here unnoticed. I'll have to go soon. But before I do, there's something you should know."

* * *

As much as Jungkook refused to drop the disgruntled attitude, he still made the man sit on the couch and then proceeded to offer him a much needed glass of water. The man drank and drank and drank like he'd forgotten its taste and freshness and after his thirst was sedated, he started chirping like a bird.

"First of all, I want to apologize about trying to take you by force back in Malta, even though in reality it was not my choice."

"We'd figured that out, " you confirm. "But why did you help us escape?"

You'd been racking your brains out for a long time now, trying to come up with a logical explanation but no answer fit in the frame. You just couldn't understand why he would put himself in danger so you could run away.

It didn't make any sense.

"I couldn't just let them take you like prisoners, " he says. "I had to at least give you a chance because I myself wasn't given one."

Jungkook's brows wrinkle in confusion. "What do you mean?"

A look of something like shame casts upon the man's face and he stares at his clasped hands. "When I first got this job, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Being a bodyguard, I had taken everything into account, including the fact that I would probably have to give up my life at some point but I never thought I'd be involved in criminal affairs."

Criminal affairs? What was he talking about?

"I thought it was normal at first. I thought this was how things normally went but when you decided to go to that trip in Malta I realized that I couldn't get out of this sucking hole no matter how much I tried. And the worst thing about it is that you've had to suffer along all this time without even knowing it."

Jungkook raises a hand to stop him. "Whoa whoa whoa, hold on there a second. Are you talking about Sejin making Y/N leave? And the the thing at the plane? I know he went a little too far but-"

"You think that's a coincidence?" the man shoots back. "He set everything up. From the tickets to the hotel to everything. Every single piece of it was planned out."

Your teeth grind against each other with a mixed state of anger and shock putting them into action. When you throw a glance at Jungkook's traumatised form, tears start to form at the corners of your eyes. The man's statement seemed to had jarred him to the bone and rendered him speechless, incapable of forming a coherent thought.

"I apologize for that, " the man continues. "I didn't want to say it straight away because I knew it would come as a shock to you but Mr.Sejin is not who you think he is. I've had to live with this knowledge for years now."

For a moment, Jungkook's eyes clear up and he blinks a number of times till his attention is completely aimed at the man's face. "Is this a joke or something? Did he send you here to play with us?"

The man's expression remains stoic, forever expressionless but even through his mask you could make out the scars of horrendous truths.

He wasn't lying.

You both knew that but you just couldn't accept it, even though deep down you had always sensed that the origin of your ordeals had been somehow designated.

The said bodyguard points a finger at his face. "You see these bruises, sir? They gave them to me as a punishment for not being able to bring you back. Beat me up till I fainted. When I woke up they made it clear that this time the job had to be done properly. That's why I'm here. To bring you back. But I won't be doing that. I'm here to make sure that you know who you're dealing with. I don't have the authority to talk with his superiors. Trust me, I've even tried to but he's always one step ahead of me." He smiles sadly. "I've gotten countless warnings because of that."

Jungkook puts his head in his hands and agressively ruffles his hair. "How long has this been going?"

The man doesn't hesitate. "6 years. Since the moment Ms.Y/N set foot on that company. He was obsessed with the idea of a boy-group only and didn't want any other intruders. I can witness the number of times he complained to his superiors about not letting her join. He kept pestering them, kept telling them all sorts of things but PD-nim was the one who insisted on taking her. After that he was absolutely furious. You should've seen the way he flung things around in his office. It made me scared for a moment."

He releases a long-kept sigh and shakes his head dreadfully.

"This went on for as much as I can remember. He never changed, always kept making attempts into kicking her out and covered it with a fake smile. But this time he had it all planned out to the smallest detail and couldn't afford to just brush it off as usual. That's probably his biggest mistake so far. He just couldn't stand hiding in a bush anymore so he went 'go hard or go home' I guess."

All this new information was making your head spin. Your mind wasn't helping either, continuously attaching images to the words, helping build up the portrayal of the man who had detested you for so many years, piece by piece. To say that you'd been dismayed was an understatement. You just couldn't believe your ears, couldn't wrap your head around the idea.

"What exactly had he planned?" asks Jungkook with a tint of hesitation in his voice. Understandable enough, taking into consideration the fact that he was fed up with the truths he'd heard. The bodyguard takes a sip from his glass and gulps audibly. He keeps throwing nervous looks at the door, as if waiting for someone to burst in.

"If you can remember....the accident with the saesang girl...."

No

Not that

Anything but that

"It was not an accident, " he confirms. "Your manager planned it."

No

No no no no no no-

"He hired that girl knowing she was a saesang and told her what she had to do. He promised her Jungkook would be hers if she managed to get the job done. That night, when you sneaked out into the forest, it's like you offered yourselves to her in a silver platter. And that's how it went. She took care of everything; the car, the tools, even her assistant."

He shakes his head and you see a melancholic smile cast upon his lips as he looks directly at you. "Stupid girl. She hated you so much to the point where she even ignored Sejin's orders for a moment. He'd never intended to kill you. Obviously, he wasn't that stupid. But she didn't care at all. Thought about getting rid if you since she had the chance and went all-psycho. Unfortunately for her, you managed to escape and that's when Mr.Sejin got angry. Really, really angry. His face got all red and puffy and when Namjoon-ssi tried to talk to him, worried about you gone missing, he yelled in his face."

Joon.

You can almost feel the nostalgic taste of the word in your tongue. It was like smelling that familiar aroma of fresh flowers that grew in your back yard and being swept into a wave of old memories. Sick of you, to not think enough about him all this time, when all he'd ever did was worry about you.

You missed them. All of them. So much to the point where it hurt.

Were they okay?

Now that you were certain about your manager's intentions, you couldn't help feeling concerned about the rest of the boys.

Unaware of your thoughts, the man continues with his story. "And things got even worse when she shot you and you jumped into the stream. I guess she panicked. Her voice was literally shaking from the other side of the phone during the call with manager-nim. I don't know what she said exactly but it still didn't make him give up. After all, he had to prepare for the grand finale."

Jungkook's sharp intake of breath switches your attention to him. You examine his face carefully, looking for any signs of panic but nothing makes it to the surface.

At least not yet.

"-called the ambulance to make sure you wouldn't die."

The momentary distraction had made you zone out and you're only able to catch the last part of the phrase.

"Then what?" Jungkook asks softly.

It's like the man's physiognomy is put into action; eyelids blinking furiously, lips opening and closing, hands fumbling with each-other. He seems nervous to keep talking and that only puts Jungkook on edge even more.

"Then what? " the latter insists. Bolder this time.

The man chokes the words out. "Th-then you wrestled with that girl's assistant. And-"

"And I killed him." Jungkook finishes for him. You notice the way his eyes turn glassy and distant, as if they'd travelled back in time, recalling the events.

"No, sir. He's alive."

Both yours and Jungkook's head snap in his direction with lightning speed.

Had you just imagined him saying that?

"What?" you voice.

"He didn't kill him, " the man confirms and this time you can clearly see his lips matching the words. "It was all a trick."

Clash

"No!"

Tiny little glass shards scatter across the floor, but you don't even have time to react as another loud noise joins it.

"No!" Jungkook yells again after taking out the anger on the second vase. " I don't believe you! You're lying!" He's fully risen to his feet, his chest puffed from breathing too hard. You've never seen him like this, so angry and panicked and scared.

"He's alive, sir. I'm not lying. They enacted the death-"

"Shut up!" Jungkook screams.

"-to make Y/N-ssi feel guilty and leave. Please, sir. You have to listen to me. You did not kill anyone."

A storm of emotions drowns you whole and it's impossible to pinpoint a particular feeling in the midst of all the chaos. Pain, sadness, relief, anger. They all come as a flooding mess, an absolute wreck.

But none of that matters now.

Not as you notice Jungkook from the corner of your eye, slowly sink to the floor and curl into a ball. It's just like that night at the hotel. He rocks back and forth with no awareness of his surroundings, completely lost in his despair.

The storyteller gives him a perplexed look. He must be wondering why Jungkook was reacting this way, why he didn't sigh in relief upon the news of his innocence.

That's because the man didn't know what the idea of killing someone had done to him and how hard it was to just rip that thought out of his mind. He'd convinced himself over and over that he was guilty, that he was a murderer. You'd witnessed it yourself during all those restless nights filled with nightmares driven by his own conscience. You'd both tried to speak as little as you could about it by trying to avoid that fact but now that he's given up and let himself fall apart, you're able to see how it had ruined him beyond repair.

You glare at the bodyguard to stop him from going further and rush to Jungkook's side on the floor.

And your heart shatters into a million pieces.

He's sobbing like a little child.

A grown-up man turned into a little kid just like that, with his arms wrapped around his knees, head buried low within.

You carefully approach him and crouch on the floor, putting a hesitant hand on his shoulder. "Kook..."

He doesn't even acknowledge your presence and his sobs only seem to increase but that doesn't discourage you from throwing your arms around him in a wide hug.

"It's okay, Kook. You're okay."

Suddenly, his hands wrap around your waist and he hugs you so tightly, you almost fall back. You thread your fingers through his dark silky hair and pat his head.

Another choked sob escapes his throat.

Oh how you wished you were the one suffering, not him. If only you could take all his pain from him, you'd gladly do it. You'd do anything for him.

His fists scrunch the fabric on the back of your shirt as hit tears spill on your collarbones.

"You're okay, you're okay, shhhhhhh." you whisper in his ear.

All is forgotten by now. The only thing you can focus on is to let him know that you were here, that you understood, and that it was okay to feel like this.

It was okay not to be okay.

* * *

You'd lost all sense of time with Jungkook in your arms that you'd failed to even throw a look at the man in the corner, silently waiting for the situation to cool down.

"I'm sorry." you hear Jungkook's worn voice at the side of your neck.

"Don't be." you answer. "It's not your fault."

He finally unties his hands from your waist and takes a deep breath. A dark veil still hangs in his eyes but he tries to cover it up with a weak smile. However, the smile turns a tad bit more genuine when you cup his cheek with one hand and gently caress it.

"I'll get you some water," you say and make to get up but he grips your hand and looks up at you with pleading eyes.

"Don't go."

If you could choose to have an image branded at the back of your mind, this particular one would be it. Those big round eyes and the messy curls that fell over them carelessly, that scar on his cheekbone, the one you'd always loved, and the pouty lips under the frame of which a tiny mole showed.

You feel like crying and laughing at the same time.

Yet you still understand.

He needed the physical support as much as the he needed the emotional one in order to have something to hang onto. A safe harbor to keep him from straying off into the dark corners of his traumas.

"Okay." You sit back down and Jungkook clings onto your arm almost immediately.

"Sir, " the man finally decides to speak. "I'm really sorry about everything."

Jungkook nods in affirmation.

You're just about to add something when the man's inner pocket of his coat starts to vibrate.

He gulps.

Looks at the door.

With shaking hands, he reaches inside his coat and retrieves his phone.

"It's him." he says upon taking a look at the screen.

Your senses tingle with a mind of their own. What you'd been talking about all this time takes the form of a man. The source of all your fears and sufferings.

The floor suddenly grows uncomfortable.

Bzzzzzzzz

It's like the vibrations are digging into your brain, each buzz more unbearable than the other.

The man can't seem to take it anymore. He taps on the phone and pushes it to his ear.

A gruff voice joins the line.

You're not able to catch any of the words but the man's face says it all.

Something happened.

"Don't hurt them, " he croaks.

More yelling on the other side of the phone call.

Then, silence.

At this point you don't know what to expect. You tightly squeeze Jungkook's leg in reassurance.

The man's begging eyes turn to plead with yours, desperate, hopeless. "I'm sorry, " he says and runs off to the door.

But instead of leaving, he pushes the open button.

And waits.

Your heart leaps in your throat when a dozen other bodyguards rush inside.