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#so like a lot of “ive lost everything” energy
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(109 spoilers!! tw for all stuff related to that, check the tags for more specific tws if unsure - stay safe :] )
Still not over 109
Chip died.
Like, say it how you want, he died. He was dead. There was a moment when he was no longer alive.
Chip is 19 years old.
He's a kid. 19 is still a kid. Yet he was dead, through no fault of his own.
He went to the Black Sea to find his father, or rather the closest thing he'd ever had.
But now he's dead.
Because technically, he still is. Undead is still dead.
What was it Ollie said, when he was corrupted? "My mom can't see me like this."
History is doomed to repeat itself.
Would Arlen even recognise him? Or would he just see what Chip sees? What Gillion sees? What Jay sees? What everyone must see, because what else would they see?
A monster.
Because that's what he is, isn't he? How else could this be described?
How is he meant to live, now that he's dead?
Maybe that's why he flips open the compass. What else could it possibly do? He's already stopped breathing.
Maybe that's why he slips into the sack. What could he lose? He's already lost his heart.
Maybe that's why he meets Niklaus' eyes What could he want? What could he take?
He's got nothing to give He's got nothing He's got nothing He's got nothing He's got nothing
He's already dead.
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coldvampire · 15 days
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need at least 1 person to be mentally ill with in the dms about my own writing perhaps then ill be able to publish something
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abyssalpriest · 1 year
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God I could and should write a whole fucking book by the end of this life here on Lev and his symbols
ill write it then burn it before anyone else gets a copy. or i wont. im supposed to be helping him this incarnation here to get a better anchor in this plane so maybe it would help more than itd be weird - im just getting from him the energy of "yeah no people already effectively have these things, people on my plane already know me inside and out to an extensive degree, may as well have it here too" you know. fair
#ramblings //#ugh god i love his tone saying that tho. i kept trying to prod to see if it was a ''ugh yeah people know me inside and out and Yes Its#Invasive But -'' but no#oh my god man. his like energy towards his people is..... BEFORE I SAY THIS#I HOPE YOU ALL KNOW IM ANTI PROPAGANDA. the biggest reason i dont work with Lu and others is bc theres this tendency to#be like ''we're darkness but also light! we're teachers we're enlightened we're pure in our own way and the kings are here to#teach you how to empower yourselves and they love all worshipers and they reject all tyrannical authority and they are the good guys#against the chrxstian god who (insert specific atrocity that actually was committed by the kings not the 'chrxstian god' - and#''demons'' should KNOW that because it was AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE WAR so either theyre LYING orrrrr) and we're actually#really down to earth and more holy than anyone else bc we're enlightened - i mean uh uh no wait that contradicts us being#against the love and light style of enlightenment chasing'' like. i will tell you that my boss has massacred a lot of people i will tell yo#im anti monarchy and i dont believe that the kings' peoples are any better than 'angels' and i will tell you a lot of innocents on both#sides have been lost bc of royalty and rich families the kings are directly tied to#so i hope you know that when i say the way lev treats his people in his mind is..... holy shit#i pick apart everything he does. ive seen sides of him that are dark af (and i love him for them lmfao) but as soon as his people are#involved... have you ever been w someone getting hot and bothered and a kid walks in that you thought was sleeping and you just switch#completely into parent mode like. he'll have complex fictions w me helping me write stories about corrupt monarchies and shit#and then no. he is like. hes very good at mindset switching and going immediately into different faces but i swear#his ''i am a king and a king is a head of a mass of people - a king is a servant to his people'' mode is like. impenetrable#he is so. fucking intensely single-minded and trained to be a king unlike anyone else. anyway what was i talking about#OH YEAH. his tone w what i wrote in the post. was so switched into that mode of ''my viscera is theirs to eat as Im splayed on their table#and this is divine ruling. this is my purpose with them'' type shit. PURE thought. there is no other energy i can find in it other than#pure ''this is my job and i do it''. pure as in distilled. a pure tone like a sine wave played on a synth as opposed to a string plucked#leviathan //#ive. im nervous about saying the shit ive said here lmfao but ive had his OK before to say it ALSO. AS I SAID. theres no way his people#dont know the massacre was done by the kings lmfao. like. yall were involved. and also you all have to know that one of the#people that pretends to be the christian god is. two of the kings actually and since lev commonly appears to people and lets them#decide who he is bc hes never arsed making a show of Being Leviathan and whatnot im sure hes been called God plenty of times#too but like. cmon. I dont know who started the ''oh the uh the invading heaven and killing off half the population was the#chrxstian god'' rumour but i was first exposed to it through lu and (his wife) worshipers so yall get the blame - that said...
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lightnersdream · 1 year
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#WHY DOES IT ALL HAVE TO BE SO MUCH#i don't usually get like this. im usually a kind of person that just lets stuff happen around me and not care a lot in terms of like social#behavior and relationships#you meet people. sometimes they go#that's how it is#there's people that we just drifted away or they vanished and it wasn't hard feelings#and normally i get over it. i miss them alot but it doesnt hit me this hard#and the thing is i haven't even lost anyone#it's just ive been so angry and low energy and pissed off by everything all the time that ive been distancing myself#and even when im not like that.. im just tired. my brain is clouded i just don't have anything to say#i want to say something but there isnt anything#so i havent been talking to a lot of people#and im like really afraid by the time im done working over whatever this is. that people will have found more other people they#prefer to talk to more or are closer with or we just find out its been too long and we dont have anything in common anymore#because i know ive been away from my friends more and more of late of late ive barely talked to anyone at all beyond 1-2 message exchanges#sometimes not at all .this isn't abnormal#but i happen to the kind of person who crumples if i don't get some kind of interaction daily#so as much as im empty-headed and angry and bad at conversation i need to be around people constantly#at the end of the day i don't have anything going on outside of drawing and talking to friends. i have nowhere to be in real life#i cant go anywhere. i don't know anyone and i hate my family#i don't know. im scared and lonely and it feels like i can be kind of a nothing person to talk to#dib noise#some of this is problems with myself which i do work on and i work on them hard. i don't want to be like that#i'm bad at meeting people too. i don't like taking risks or new things its all so much#I SHOULD CLARIFY. i am happy for poeple i am close to when they meet new people. i love hearing about them#and meeting them. i just have a horrible fear of being replaced or forgotten
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gangplanksorenji · 9 months
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Kinknuary Day 2: Praise Kink
Pairing: IVE Jang Wonyoung x Male Reader
Word Count: 3,760
[Kinknuary Masterlist]
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Sophisticated and classy—that’s one of the few words to describe this girl that has been on your nerves since probably day one. You hate her attitude and so is the luck every time you’re with her as everything seems to fall out of place, maybe in the worst-case scenario, you guess. 
Well, in all honesty, you don’t hate the princess. You never did.
It’s just all about jealousy and distraught with your own confidence that whenever she steps in, it crumbles like paper—easily defeated and turned into a ball of nothingness.
Well, everything changed within a singular snap of a finger (it’s figurative, of course) and you feel light-headed just being here, with her, holding her soft hands as she reassures you. She wasn’t even going to try anything that’ll exhaust such a plethora of energy because she knows herself how her charisma and visuals can make a man fall in love with her, not to mention rejecting dozens of men trying to ignite the love in heart but failed miserably.
But here you are, being the biggest irony of Wonyoung’s definition of love… or is it?
“Come on, oppa, we even have two hours left! Please, just stay…”
You can’t and you don’t want to. She can meet you anytime around the day or even in the whole week but you know she ain’t going to give up so easily, knowing she’s not going to stop until she gets what she wants. She wanted you to stay but your job is done here, you’ve taught her well, she pays the price and you’re going to leave her. Simple, yet her charms allure you but you fight yourself against it.
“I said what I said, Wonyoung, okay? I can’t—”
“You can't what, hm?” Wonyoung thuds her foot on the floor, frustrated upon your own actions of leaving her. She grabs your wrists, pulling it with maybe all of her strength (you can’t really tell it because on how easy it is outpower her, your muscular arms against her thin figure doesn’t make it a challenge) and then pouting right after, wanting you to stay and not leave her at this moment, at least.
Well, you can’t just let herself win all the time like she was always used to. You want to see the defeat on her sparkling orbs full of anticipation and her hope being lost—
“Then leave! I don’t need you anymore, oppa! Don’t touch me ever again!”
And there she goes with her reverse psychological attempts of gaslighting and never ceases to make you feel the sudden urge of being dead inside, unable to think clearly and having struggles within deciding the most beneficial one, for you, of course.
Here’s the thing: you don’t want her yet you like her—it’s a win-win situation and why should you overthink yourself about this? It’s like you’re going to lose a lot from this or gain a lot yet you know how cranky and bratty Wonyoung can get and it’s the greatest bane of your existence. Seeing Wonyoung becoming a nuisance and ill-tempered unlocks your irascible self and you hate her for that (and thank god, it happens pretty rarely).
You wanted to fight your urges but you don’t want this to escalate further, knowing how selfish Wonyoung can be and how she won’t adjust even in the tiniest bit.
God, this girl—you muttered upon yourself as it was laced with venom, cursed and damned about meeting this not-so-angelic girl. You can’t resist your temptation either—staying with Wonyoung probably will end in both ways, hoping it’ll be good or better.
“Okay, tch—” You quickly rushed your way onto the couch, sitting on it and earning a loud thud which made Wonyoung gasp at your harsh actions of the possible damage on the furniture but you didn’t care. “There, happy, hm, Wony?”
Her earlier stern and helpless countenance was now replaced with joy and satisfaction, knowing you chose to stay (and it’s like you have a choice because it’s impossible whenever she’s near). 
“Hah, yey! You’re definitely the best, oppa!” Wonyoung sat beside you and rested her head onto your shoulder, signaling the delight that she’s feeling knowing that she’s with you and you choose what’s best for her. “I know you can’t resist me, oppa.”
“Heck yeah I can't cause you’re gonna go nuts if I reject you.”
“What did you say?” Wonyoung pouts yet the glare in her eyes are evident, and so is the distaste that she feels after hearing such unacceptable cacophony. You know that she didn’t mind it, not even the slightest so you just brushed it off with a single “Nothing, Wonyoung.” and all things went normal yet an uncanny feeling in the can be felt—no, it's just Wonyoung on her knees, in front of you—
“What are you doing, Wonyoung?” 
You don't feel so good about this and have this nerve of an unwanted vice happening anytime soon. You knew this would come and you shouldn't have given in to her wants yet the other side of you is full of anticipation as your primal desires are slowly taking over you.
“Don't be so oblivious, oppa. Let me return the favor of everything you've done earlier.” You didn't deserve such a thing, even though you're not new to this—well, also thanks to her, she took your virginity away—you still don't need this favorable return. You just helped her study and tutored her but why would this be the return? Isn't such a simple soul like you enough for a gift?
You can't turn back now; you're only going to move forward and it's just only going to get better from here.
“But why, Wony? I don't deserve such—”
“Shut it, oppa—” Wonyoung tugs your pants as those perfect, dainty fingers scramble on unbuckling your belt and loosening up the clothed defenses that protects the desired grand prize. “—now would you let your little Wony reward you, daddy?”
Of course, the pet name—it turns you on so much that now, you can't contain anything but let your animalistic desires out. You can't stop her because it's too late and in fact, you want this and you're an absolute hypocrite if you don't. 
Things went like a flash—it felt like everything felt too fast as time sped up like a rocket but you didn't care because you wanted her, utterly.
With the last clothed defense on your iron wall, it collapses down to your ankles as it was proven worthless now, your hardening member is now within the sight of her refulgent orbs—god, it just feels better, doesn't it? You're maybe in heaven but the devil is just beside you and the oxymoron never failed to be in its own party.
With the draw of her nails onto your leaking slit, it draws pain and pits gasoline of the fire—pain associated with pleasure and not close to drawing blood. 
“Oh god, Wonyoung—we don't really need to d-do this…”
“Oh stop it, daddy. I know you wanted this and let your little girl pleasure you for the time being—” Wonyoung places her lips onto your swollen head, giving it a small peck that makes you shudder, your mouth escaping beautiful moans that fuels the primal lust and ego of Wonyoung. 
She seems to be the one that likes her ego getting petted and you're here to absolutely do it.
“Such a good g-girl for daddy, Wonyoung. So skilled and so good—you're definitely loving the taste of my cock don't you, hm?”
You're getting cocky and you know Wonyoung is loving this despite the utter brattiness and hypocrisy running down her mind.
“Gah—you know y-your cock is something I can't r-resist, daddy…”
She continues her moderate bobs as your base is now getting wet with her drool that is now starting to drip all over your sensitive head and her chin. She's in her own league and in an absolute masterclass when it comes to dick-sucking—such lips made like a cocksleeve is truly the one to be treasured as it perfectly hugs around your shaft like it was molded around it, her pleasurable suction being the cherry on top.
Her cheeks hollow in every thrust she does with her talented mouth, and you're no stranger to tell her how great she's been blowing you and it only has been a minute—and god, she's making your brain go haywire.
You stroke her hair and caress her cheeks, letting her know how great she is in terms of sucking you off. “Keep doing that, baby. This cock is all for you, princess. So, so, good—god, fuck!”
And it is incredibly off the charts—the corkscrew motions of her fingers, the dance of her tongue filled with enamore and the overstimulating suction is just, nearly, too much to handle. 
No one can top off her skills as she's just a professional in this—every second sending you weak, on your knees as every technique known to enervate your defenses is being presented right now and you can't think of anything articulate except the fact that Wonyoung's mouth is exerting too much effort as it's getting near the promised land—
“Just like—that—baby, ah! So fucking good—god, how are you so incredibly talented in possibly anything?”
Stroke her ego and she definitely loves it—her pupils dilating everytime you commend her is one strong piece of evidence. It's true even though it may seem like you're playing with her and it's crazy to think about it. She may be the jack-of-all-trades when it comes to everything but it’s definitely not even close with that in accordance to her selfish and diabolical attitude—it’s contradicting but you guess it’s just the fact that she always wanted to be treated like a princess and her sophisticated life explains about it. 
Well as much as you’d wanna do the opposite, it’s going to be completely questionable if you’ll degrade the superior job she’s doing between your legs. A flick of her tongue nears you onto that finish line as well as the dexterity of her slender fingers—it doesn’t help at all, considering you still want to savor and cherish every second of Wonyoung’s masterclass, the inevitable can’t be stopped as the growing sensation in your loins is ready to unload everything inside her heavenly mouth.
“Your mouth Wony—”
Her pace is ridiculous, unmatched han any other as her warm cavern glides onto your shaft like a loose speedster, in a hot pursuit—
“—it’s too good—”
Her silken plumpness made to unleash the profanities inside you, unshackling them and bringing them to their endgame but—
Pop. 
“B-but why’d you stop? I’m so close, Wony!”
You vent out the little frustration towards Wonyoung as your high suddenly became on the lowest point, subsided even before you’ve truly noticed it. Wonyoung just pouts at you adorably, apologizing for what she's done and god, the saliva dripping down to her chin and all around your cock is just a sight to see. It was feeling so damn good until she played with you but you’re not furious about it because she’s maybe wanting something and probably—this last bit is what you’re hoping for—having multiple things in store for you, for later.
She’s only getting started and it’s only going to get better than this.
Her quivering plump lips, her disheveled hair, her beautiful façade—every inch of her perfect is such a sight for a nice canvas to be painted on but it is what it is.
“Want you in my pussy now, daddy. God—I really love your cock, so much I just can’t get enough of it.”
Yes, it’s like her favorite candy she’s ready to brag about and it’s addicting. Ever since you’ve slept with her, it became a whole different story being with her as you always envisioned the nastiest things with her whenever you think about her and it’s clouded your mind ever since. Well, now, you have a lot of things to fulfill with her and the blowjob earlier was just the beginning of a show that’s bound to happen.
“I can’t get enough of your mind-boggling blowjobs too, Wony. You make me feel—” You switch places with her, pinning her down slowly onto the couch, your face now inching closer and closer towards her. “—great and that’s what I like about this.”
Without any foreplay, you capture her lips off-guard as you make the most passionate kiss possible that’ll make her feel butterflies in her stomach. Its saccharine taste makes it insatiable, wanting more of her yet a hot half a minute of this flustering moment is enough for the both of you to exchange breaths.
“Like the taste of you, daddy? ‘Cause I do—like, a lot.” Your face was puzzled after Wonyoung said that, also confused and unsure on what to imply as you playfully retorted against her. “I mean, your lips really made everything insatiable. Just can't get enough of you honestly…”
You continue the intimacy, fueling the lust inside you by dominating her with your tongue as she eagerly reciprocates, the kiss getting too heated but Wonyoung taps your shoulder, signaling you to detach away from her lips. You don’t know why exactly she wants this to be over but with Wonyoung’s enlightenment of the climax, your mind has been cleared and awakened, and so are your primal desires.
“As much as I want to kiss you, daddy, my pussy’s been wet since I’ve sucked you off—so p-please, daddy—hng!”
And who are you to reject it? You want to pound her tight cunt as much as you wanted her today and there’s no one to stop you right now, and neither is she. With the best of both worlds, you elevated the anticipating climax yet a brighter idea will make this session a wilder ride.
“Let’s take this to the bedroom, princess—would pound your tight, perfect pussy so hard that you’re only going to think about me only.”
And there and there, everything went off the cliff, up to the highest paramount of events…
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“Too good, daddy!” Your fingers up her delicious cunt never fails to earn the most heavenly whimpers escaping Wonyoung’s mouth, let alone fueling the lust inside you as your slit leaks precum just from the sight of her tight cunt squelching and clenching around your digits.
“It’s only going to get better from here, princess—” A harsh spank resonates around the puny room as the dissonance of her orchestrated moans makes your hardened length throb in need, unable to control anything. “—because I’m going to treat you like a princess but fuck you like how you deserve it.”
“W-wha—what d-did I deserve, daddy?”
“A rough one, Wony. Since you’ve done a great job at the start…”
As the heat in the air is still ignited, you take the last bit of teasing with your digits and hard spanks as you’re lost for words once you’ve plunged your length inside her. It never gets old and she’s still as suffocatingly tight as ever, not to mention with even the slightest of movement and her pussy responses with the tightest clench possible. Gripping her hips for a small leverage, you thrust in her slowly as you ensue a few kisses onto the nape of her neck, earning such moans that just makes you want to build up the pace even more.
“Ahh, daddy—it’s so good! You’re s-stretching me—ahh—so w-well…”
“And you take me so well, Wony. Your pussy is literally made for me to be hammered, hm?” You quicken the pace, just withdrawing with only the tip inside and then slamming back in, filling her up to the hilt. She mewls in every thrust you do, further arousing you as she grips onto the sheets as a leverage on the harsh acts you’re doing on her tight cunt. Adding some spanks in every oscillation of your hips, you notice how it clenches every time you do it and you’re loving every second of it—loving how helpless and lewd your princess has become is truly a sight to behold. 
“You’re so good at taking my huge cock, princess…” Your brush off her silky-smooth hair off her shoulders as you pepper her neck and back with kisses that further makes the act hotter than what could it be. You trace the curvature of her waist down to her slender thighs that probably run for days and god, why does a princess have to be this perfect? Down every last feature Wonyoung has is in its absolute flawless state and you can’t help but be in awe as you in every ram you do inside her clenching heat is the praise of her faultless figure.
“Good god, Wony—down to your beautiful face up to your pussy, you’re just so fucking perfect aren’t you?”
“Gah, daddy! Fuck me harder please!”
A spank as the retaliation of her hostile takeover of lust has won, and you, the dominative one will orchestrate things onto your own accord, not hers.
“Wonyoung, you’re lucky I can fuck this good because no one can and you’re mine—every perfectly tight hole in your body is mine to use, do you understand?” Between thrusts you spat her with venomous yet genuine words, but she could only cry in pleasure as your thrusts are just too much for her to think of something articulate enough of a response so, it only took her ten seconds to come up with something— “Yes, d-daddy—ahh!”
Such rampant actions never cease to make someone scream in delight and it’s every man's dream to be in this position. Kiss, spank, thrust and repeat, it goes around in circles and you’re not going to stop it because you’re in a state of do-or-die (figuratively, of course) because in any second now, you can feel yourself getting on your high and so is Wonyoung’s, her pussy creaming all over your enraged length is enough of an evidence.
“Wonyoung—fuck! You’re so tight and so good!”
“Daddy I’m going to c-cum—gahh, so s-soon! Please!”
That’s the green light to bring another onslaught of thrusts with no-return, hammering her cunt like it’s rent due alongside grabbing her hair for her heavenly moans to be unshackled (and if you’re wondering, her arms gave out two minutes earlier because of too much pleasure as she rested her hair onto the mattress, muffling her moans in which, you didn’t really like). With the obviously lewd moans (almost screams) of Wonyoung and the repetitive clenching of her tight heat, you know that she’s about to get off so you gave her the final set of the harshest thrusts possible to mankind as it was too enough and all are let out.
You pull out of her gripping pussy as she squirts all over the bedsheets, your cock and even to your toned abdomen. You finger her repetitively in a deft pace that she cries in a wanton need and that even fuels you further into abomination.
“You good, Wony?”
“Y-yes, daddy—unload it a-all in my pussy—” Her shining orbs pleads you onto her desires, wanting you to fulfill it. Her pupils dilate once again, anticipating on a good note with you— “—please…”
“I’m dying to cum inside this perfect pussy of yours, Wonyoung.”
Pinning her down onto the bed (not so harshly), you tease her pussy with your swollen cockhead for a bit, in which earns the finest moans escaping her lips and so are the needy whimpers. Without any time to waste, you plunge into her dripping core once again but this time, the penetration is crazingly-deep, achieving the sensation of a lifetime that makes you feel butterflies. You command her to place both of her legs onto your shoulders, wanting to achieve the deepest penetration possible as she did and god, that felt way better than earlier and it’s too heavenly to be true.
“Ahh—daddy—I—gahh, so so good and d-deep! Fuck me h-hard—cum i-inside me—gahh, please!”
The desperation in her eyes says it all. Even with the messed-up makeup, tears and her disheveled hair all over the place, it’s not even a challenge to sense how needy she is for you and your seed to be deposited inside her. Now bringing the thrusts that surpasses the harshness of your actions earlier, and making Wonyoung the most raucous she’s ever been—all in the experience on the paramount of delight as everything seems to be at that moment, just a step away from your both desired promised lands. You weren’t far off of your high and Wonyoung can sense it through your eyes as she helps out, fucking herself onto your length as you chase your high, grabbing her waist and hips harshly as the leverage with your relentless pursuit onto her pussy.
“I’m going to cum, Wonyoung! So fucking close in this perfect cunt of yours—fuck!”
And you break, everything loose as you bury your length inside her, balls-deep as you unload everything you’ve got and your moans and Wonyoung’s blessed the entire room as it reverberated all over. With your last groan and the hard grip of her hips, your orgasm finally subsided as it was an euphoric one—it was so euphoric that you almost passed out but it wasn’t really close. Wonyoung on the other hand, laid down flat on the bed, enervated from the steamy sex session yet she smiles widely, knowing that your load is inside her pussy as the warmth of it elicits the sultriest of moans.
“Thank you, daddy—hah… For this load… Hah, I love i-it…”
That changed your demeanor from a stern, dominative one to softer, warmhearted as you blush because of her, feeling so grateful and thankful for this moment as the earlier omnipotence of power now subsided, back to your old self.
“Thank you too, Wonyoung—you took me so well… hah, that was exhausting…”
“Yeah, I know, oppa…” She brushes her fingers all over your chest, tracing it slowly as she looks at you endearingly, her eyes telling you how much she loved this moment, disregarding the fact of the pain that she felt—she liked it because it turned her on even more—from all of your harshness and spanking. She’s genuine about it and you could tell it without her even uttering a single word.
“We should clean up, oppa, actually.”
“Yeah, oh no, I think you need some new set of sheets after this.”
“You’re the one to blame here, oppa! You made me squirt so hard!!”
And the bratty, sophisticated Wonyoung is back and here we go again, back from the despair and being the bugbear she is…
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harunovella · 7 months
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*:・゚✧*:・゚✧ love language (verse iv); s.g.
synopsis: you and gojo go on your first double date... or is it really? content: canon divergence (teen!gojo era), fem!reader, hopeless romantic gojo, best bros satoru and suguru bickering as always, gojo may have had a 'help I've fallen on your boobs and I can't get up' moment, bestie shoko, not beta read (sorry for any errors!) note: another addition to my gojo anthology series! this one was sm fun to write, I love writing gojo and geto being nothing but idiots tbh... wanna be tagged? lmk in the replies!
"A dinner? A fancy dinner?" Shoko asked as you nodded. "What's a bunch of sixteen year olds gonna do at a fancy dinner?" She raised a brow in confusion. Ever since being paired by Yaga with Shoko, the two of you have grown quite close. You were more than thankful, as much as you loved your own little trio (including Nanami and Haibara), it was nice to have a friend that wasn't... well, a male. 
Not that there was something wrong with that, you saw Nanami like a sort of twin—though you were a bit more on the social side—he got along with you the most. Then there was Haibara, who was an absolute sweetheart and a gem, the energy both you and your blond twin needed. However, seeing as Ieiri was your senior, there was quite a lot to learn from her—outside from the jujutsu world. 
There was also Geto and Gojo... Geto was an interesting person to be around. He had dark humor but also was nothing but kind to you. Gojo, on the other hand...
"A double date?!" Satoru exclaimed as he was alone with Suguru after you invited the two young men to the dinner you told Shoko about. 
Arching an eyebrow, Suguru crossed his arms. "Who said this is a double date? In your delusional world, you're dating our little junior when she only sees you as a friend—"
"That's a lie!" Gojo snapped, earning a snicker from his best friend. "I'll have you know we get along very well, we hangout a lot! And— and we have a lot of fun conversations!"
"Sounds fun," Geto said sarcastically. "We all know you're madly in love with her. However, we have no idea how she feels about you."
"Then explain the double date, huh?" Gojo was now the one to cross his arms, tapping his foot. "You and Shoko, me and my mochi?"
Sighing, Suguru pinched the bridge of his nose. "Again, not a double date. It's four friends going to a nice restaurant to support one of our friend's family members. Nothing more, nothing less," he explained, only for everything to go into one ear and out the other for the white haired boy before him. 
Satoru was in his own world, delusional as always, eyes sparkling at the thought of you in a cute dress. Heels or no heels, makeup or not, he just couldn't help but fantasize about how beautiful you were going to look tonight!
"Earth to Satoru?" Geto waved his hand in front of his best friend, only to laugh. "Thinking about how cute she'll look tonight, huh?"
"Yeah..." Gojo nodded, a face of pure ecstasy, as if he were about to drool. 
"Maybe I'll swap dates, you can have Shoko, I'll have our beautiful—"
"No!" Satoru shouted, instantly jumping Suguru. "She's my date for the night!"
"Good luck with that, if you look like an idiot right now thinking about her, just imagine you tonight!" Suguru laughed as he shoved Satoru off of him. "You're gonna look like a complete idiot!"
"You're not discreet..." Geto mumbled towards Gojo as the young man sat beside you, cheek pressed in the palm of his hand as he ever so casually gazed at you. You were in the middle of a conversation with Shoko, something about a movie you both recently had seen together. Too lost in your discussion, laughing and enjoying the evening as Suguru watched his best friend look like he was in a trance. "You are literally staring..." Furrowing his eyebrows as a look of slight disgust took over his face, Suguru kicked Satoru. 
"Shh," Gojo brushed off, kicking him back. 
"You're lucky she's in her own world with Shoko to even hear us," Geto kicked again, feeling his best friend constantly kick back. Gojo was too focused on you to even pay him any mind.
The restaurant, although fancy, was quite lively and practically filled to the brim. The reservations were endless and everyone that came and went looked like they came from money. Satoru and Suguru wore similar suits, solely because they bought them last minute and ended up with the same look (Satoru was NOT happy, but Suguru found it very funny). Shoko, after seeing them, called them tweedledee and tweedledum... You, on the other, found it cute. 
Cute... Gojo kept hearing your words echo in his head. You thought he, himself, was cute?! Forget Suguru, you said he was cute! He couldn't help but indulge in it as he gazed at you practically the whole dinner. For a split second, he did acknowledge the fact that you looked beyond gorgeous. In a white, fitted dress, hugging your curves with a sweetheart neckline... It was safe to say his mind was split in two. In particular, the two brain cells he had. Half of his mind was floating in the clouds of your compliment while the other half was focused on the top of your breasts (practically where his eyes kept falling to). He was... somewhat of a gentleman, he just couldn't help that dirty side of him. You were beautiful! He wanted you!
In his defense, he was used to seeing you in your uniform jacket, skirt, and tights... the times you weren't, you were always dressed cute and comfortable. Never had he seen you like this, curves and all. 
Reaching over the table and yanking on Gojo's hair, Geto stifled a laugh as his best friend snapped his head and growled. "Rude, I was busy!" He hissed, reaching over and tugging on the bangs that hung over the dark haired young man's forehead. 
Caught up with your conversation with Shoko (and not entirely hearing the commotion beside you with all the various voices around you in the restaurant) a sudden gasp left the brunette as she watched it all happen before her in slow motion. Gojo and Geto shoved one another, completely forgetting where they were as others nearby watched in confusion. 
From one second to the next, you were knocked off your chair, head thudding with the ground as a body collapsed against you. Various gasps and whispers were heard as you winced. Blinking a few times and trying to sit up, you felt a pressure against your chest. Both Shoko and Suguru (who was pulled to his feet by Shoko), stared at the disaster before them. Satoru, with his face planted against your chest, as you stared at him, wide eyed. 
"Satoru!" Shoko exclaimed, smacking his head as he lifted it, staring at you with a shared blush, before both of his friends yanked him up. 
"I— I am so sorry!" He exclaimed, reaching for your hand to help you up as you looked stunned. 
"God, you two are so immature. Before we get kicked out, take her home and I'll handle this," Shoko tsked as you blinked, only to snap out of your daze. 
"It's— It's okay! I'll handle this! I invited you all—"
"No, you hit your head hard, let me handle this. Dummie over here will take you," Shoko kicked Satoru's calf. "Go. Now."
Without second thinking his actions, Gojo took your hand and lead you out. Both of you ignored the displeased stares and gossip that spread over the four kids who "shouldn't have been allowed into a restaurant like this in the first place." 
Walking out, Satoru stopped in his tracks before turning to face you. "I'm so sorry about... my face being in your... Anyway, are you okay?" He asked, using his free hand to gently touch the back of your head. "There's no bump, but, are you alright?"
"I— It's okay, I'm not hurt," you swore as you nodded your head, looking up at him with your doe eyes. Gojo swore his heart grew two times its size. "I promise," you softly smiled. 
Nodding, a small smile grew on the young man's lips. He couldn't help but gaze at you, softness in his eyes as he kept his hand on the back of your head. Silence weaved its way between the two of you. Nothing uncomfortable. You stood there for what felt like hours, looking at one another and nearly forgetting what you were doing or where you were. 
The sound of honking snapped the two of you out of it as you realized you were out in the open, with people walking by and cars driving along. 
Clearing his throat, Satoru lowered his hand from your head and kept his other in yours. "Let's get you home, yeah?"
tag list: @bakananya @strangehuman101 @thirtykiwis @sillygoosegoose (some of u I sadly couldn't tag!)
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beenbaanbuun · 5 months
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hi bunny! nice to meet you! ive started to follow you recently and im in love w all your works, but specially w the opposites attract universe! ive been an addams family enthusiast since childhood and mixing it with ateez has made it even better for me :)
ive grown curious about how san would get used to the household daily life and to darling's antics. and how much time would it take for him to grow fond of her, ofc lol :D
san tries his hardest to let everything that happens in that household wash over him like water off a duck’s back, but every single day he’s faced with a new challenge.
first of all there’s the sex. san thanks the stars that he isn’t a prude, because he wouldn’t last a day in that house if he was. his first 5 minutes in that god-forsaken house were soundtracked by the sound of a bed squeaking, and then when he finally met his boss, all he could smell was the scent of sex which clung to him like cologne. he finds pretty quickly that it’s not just hongjoong that smells that way, but it’s actually just imbedded in the walls of the house. he’s walked in on enough sex to know the reason why the scent of pleasure hangs over the house like a thick fog, and he tries his hardest to not be surprised each time he steps through a door to see someone’s dick stretching out the resident ball of energy. it’s still a little difficult…
and then there’s the ball of energy itself. there’s something about her that’s rather endearing, even from the very first moment he meets her. when she stumbled down the stairs looking every bit the princess that he’s come to realise she is, he was immediately intrigued. even more so when seonghwa and hongjoong began to dote on her slender fingers immediately moving to straighten her outfit—after all, san was still a stranger at that point and it’s only proper to look your best when greeting a new acquaintance. then the grumpy werewolf descended on her, tail wrapping around her thigh as if to claim her as his own and san found himself so curious it almost hurt.
but getting to know darling was a lot easier said than done. despite her following him everywhere for the first couple of days, a certain werewolf also decided to tag along everywhere. whilst she was rambling in one ear, the mutt would be growling in the other. san got the message pretty easily; don’t get too close unless he wants to lose his life. he tried to counter it by shooing her away so he can ‘do his job’, but the hurt look that would settle over her face only made the werewolf even more upset. san was lost for what to do, and the two of them seemed hellbent on making his life infinitesimally more difficult than it needed to be.
it was around three days in when yeosang got bored of following san around, and so the mutt kidnapped her and held her hostage in the living room with him. he didn’t trust the stranger with his pup just yet, and if he had to keep her pinned to the floor with his own body to keep her safe, then that’s what he’d do! he was a guard dog after all… it had absolutely nothing to do with jealousy and hongjoong was a liar for ever claiming it did!
after that, it was harder to get to know darling, but san didn’t mind. he still got to hear her ramble about anything and everything every time he stepped foot into the living room, and he still got to see her every time she snuck away when yeosang’s attention was on something else for two seconds. for those brief couple of minutes, san found himself enjoying her presence immensely!
and then yeosang would storm in and snatch her away for himself again…
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Tangerine headcanons/ imagines
tangerine x female reader
tw: none! just cute stuff that makes us sad
okay so I love analysing people and ive been in love with him since march/april, so this was a piece of cake- also im obsessive and lonely so was super easy lmfao
these are just things that I think (kinda self indulgent) but if you disagree that’s fine too
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princess treatment- he’d treat you like royalty
huge softie at heart
love language wise:
 physical touch- I feel like he’s quite handsy, he always has to be touching some part of you
 acts of service- he’d always be willing to help you, does things for you. makes you snacks and drinks throughout the day- like if you’re busy, he’d pop in and give you a tray of stuff you may need
 quality time- he’d value the time you spent together, even if you weren’t doing an activity together (both in the same space, doing your own things) he’d designate certain days for just you
 gift giving- he’d spoil you like crazy, he’d remember certain little things about you and get you a thoughtful gift based off that (like if you mentioned something you wanted to try for just one second midway in a conversation you had months ago, he’d remember it)
words of affirmation- he’d call you tonnes of pet names, I feel like he’d say ‘my’ in front of it to make it more special. he’d tell you he loves you, how special you are and how much he adores you etc
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hates everyone but you vibes- he’s standoffish to everyone, but when it comes to you he’s the complete opposite; he speaks very soft and kind towards you
he treats you like the most valuable thing on earth
very patient with you
protector x protected energy- he just always wants you safe
nose and forehead kisses
lots of thumb stroking on your cheeks 
lots of intense eye contact- he admires your eyes
feel like he’s a hip and thigh kinda man
I feel like you’d be very close to Lemon, and sometimes it’ll wind him up. Lemon would tell you embarrassing stories about Tan- you’d love it while he’d hate it
I get ride or die vibes- kinda like romeo and juliet, just minus all the death
he secretly loves your chick flicks, he pretends he hates them but watches them with you every time
he also pretends he hates when you call him sweet things but he definitely looks away to smile
he’s very slow to warm up, takes a bit of time to crack him open. on the outside he’s a doberman but on inside he’s like a ragdoll
gets a bit possessive, not in a scary way- but I do think that sometimes it could be
feel like he’s the kind that will literally worship you
you clean his cuts and wounds after missions
he runs warm but you run quite cold, so he’s always trying to warm you up
I feel like you’re the first person he’s actually loved romantically
drinks black coffee and ofc tea
definitely a whisky drinker, he loves a good whisky by the fire
I feel like he’s very clean, likes to keep everything organised. maybe a bit of a perfectionist
always smells good
very romantic and extremely charismatic- a natural charmer. funny and lots of inside jokes
he’s a great caretaker- looks after you really well. if you’re ill he’d be with you at all times, not caring if he got sick too. and when it’s your time of the month he’d get you hot water bottles and you’d get lots of back rubs etc
he loves it when you use your fingers to trace over his tattoos, same goes for his chest hair too
also loves when your stroke through his hair
he gets really irritated in hot temperatures- and starts swearing a lot more
I feel like he’s kind of set in his ways about things/ he knows what he likes, and that you help open his mind about trying and doing new things. you help keep things fresh and exciting
some reason I feel like you’d have daddy issues idk why, (sorry if you do, also sorry if you don’t lmao)
he might follow you like a lost puppy, he’d literally do anything you say
you’d be best friends as well as a couple
he’s very reliable and would drop anything for you
if you needed to rant or vent, he’d be there lending you his ear. he’d be an incredible listener
very attentive
feel like he’s a fast driver, but never when you’re in the car
if someone flirts with you or someone was mean to you at work he’d say “where are they? I will fuckin kill em”
private but not secret relationship
definitely a homebody
whenever he goes past the florists or to the shop, he’d always bring some flowers back for you (more often than not- it’ll your favourite type of flower)
leaves you sweet notes around the house
that’s it for now, hope you liked
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killjo-q · 22 days
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life update ig?
internet and doc says id feel better after around 8 weeks , it has been 3 (going 4 i guess) months and i still feel horrible…. There are times where its more manageable but most of the time its like theres a heavy fog in my mind that i cannot shake no matter what i do. i see old classmates and friends living their best lives rn and lots of them seem so happy, chill and put together and I wonder what im missing?? (is it running??? all of them seem to be runners lol). I remember back in internship days and me and friend would always casually say depressing things because it was the usual for us and other co-interns were like “??? omg are u ok dont say stuff like that” and thats when I realized rly that woah not all college students r burntout and fighting depression djdhh
The feeling has never left me since then though, maybe its all the stress from being forced to do well in a path I never rly liked and the lack of proper sleep that had accumulated and im still feeling it to this day? but damn its been 4 years since then
anyway, today has been worse than usual and i did not know what to do with the thoughts tonight so am writing them down as proof of life since I havent rly been active lately. Im still trying to finish everything I have to draw though, cuz my mind wont let me have a moments peace. I cannot rly enjoy hobbies (i thought it would help) or anything either cuz all of them are tainted by …thoughts.
Will definitely take a LONG break after all this (fr this time) because I can’t find joy in art anymore. Its more of a stressor now than a passion and ive lost that urge to learn and improve. I dont even have the energy to open social media that often anymore
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daughterofcain-67 · 8 months
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𝙾𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝙾𝚞𝚛 𝚃𝚒𝚖𝚎 (𝚙𝚝 2)
(Soldier Boy x Female Reader)
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(masterlist)
𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: after his release and escape from Russia, Ben finds himself back in the states but it’s not the same place he’s known before. nonetheless he is determined to get his revenge on Payback for setting him up, and perhaps he’ll finally reunite with you after all these years. He can’t help but wonder… did you wait for him the whole time he was gone?
𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: minor spoilers to season three, Ben’s point of view when he saw The Legend when he returned to the states. no major spoilers.
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Russia…
God what Ben would give to get the Hell out of this country.
Yes, he was conscious but barely because of the fumes that were held up to his face. He lost track of so much time and he didn’t even know what day it was anymore. Let alone what year.
Ben didn’t feel strong enough because of these blasted fumes, he couldn’t even break out of a stupid metal box. He felt the worst feeling a man could feel when he was tortured and experimented on. He felt helpless, humiliated, betrayed by his own teammates.
Did they really hate him that much? Sure he was a bit hard on them, gave them a few beatings here and there to knock some sense into them. But was it really enough to try and get him killed?
This whole time his hope was that Crimson Countess would come and find him. After all, he hadn’t broken up with her yet and he thought she still loved him. After all, with you being retired, there was no way Vought would ever tell you what part of Nicaragua he was stationed, or even what his own team did behind his back.
You were right though, and he wished now that he would have listened to you.
Outside of his prison, he swore he was able to hear some voices. Probably those damned Russians coming to pull him out for more experiments. Maybe that could be his chance if they didn’t sedate him this time.
The next thing he knew, he could hear some sort of alarm going off and he was still motionless. It was like he was in some sort of coma and he hated that he could hear a lot of what was happening, but he couldn’t do anything about it. It was his own personal Hell.
Then everything went quiet after the gunfire. He wondered what the hell must’ve happened, what went wrong?
Ben didn’t believe in miracles, but the next thing he knew he could here someone stepping up to this damned metal box. It had to be some supe because no human could take off the front of this damned thing so easily. Was it Vought?
If it was Vought, there was no way in Hell he would ever go back there. Not after the shit they did to him.
As the fumes inside of the vault finally seemed to dissipate, he felt like some kind of fog was finally being lifted. Ben slowly tilted his head to see if he could actually move and to his surprise… he could. He slowly opened his eyes, and at first his vision was a little blurry, even he had to admit that. Who knew how long they had been closed since he hadn’t used them after all.
Once the fog was lifted for him, however, he looked down at his restraints and all it took was a bit of a flex to tear them off. Must’ve been old material by now. Ben took the IV’s out of his arm and whatever sticker things were on his chest and he tossed them to the side. He took off the mask that was blowing the fumes into his system and he felt more alert after that.
He lifted his arms out and gripped onto the outside of the vault to steady himself as he prepared to use his legs again for the first time. One step forward, then another, then he was out of the vault.
He lifted his gaze, realizing that his vision was clearing up nicely, only to notice a group of people were standing in front of him looking stunned. One of them looked like he was about to shit himself.
As he walked further into the room, he realized he had this new sort of energy rushing through him. Something that was much more than just some kind of adrenaline rush. This was different, new, something that had to be the result of whatever radiation the Russians filled him up with to see what could kill him.
He looked down and closed his eyes, concentrating to see exactly what would happen if he focused. Then he started feeling something from within his chest. It felt like some sort of heartburn, but it wasn’t really painful like one.
Nonetheless, the feeling was intense and his chest began to glow and as he tried to release the power, this energy blast escaped from him and it destroyed the back wall that was blocking his way.
When he looked up and saw the damage he had done, he had to admit it was a little surprising that he could do this sort of thing now. Maybe that was the only thing he could thank the Russians for. Not that they’d get his thanks after the shit they put him through to get to this point.
Ben looked forward, not really giving much of a damn to get to know the people that released him, and he walked out of the room and into the hall.
Eventually, he found some guy and knocked him out so he could take his clothes. After all, there wasn’t much of a reason to have your junk out unless he was at herogasm. Once he was dressed, he felt something fall from the pocket of the pants he was putting on.
When he looked down, he saw some rectangular screen. Ben lifted a brow as he bent over and picked it up just to see that it lit up. He squinted a little before he blinked again and saw some picture on the screen. There was even the date and time on this thing.
“What the fuck?”
Well he didn’t exactly expect to live past the turn of the millennium. The 2000’s? Well, according to the lit up brick it was the 2020’s.
That was more time than he expected he lost while he was there. He wondered if you had still waited for him all this time or if you had forgotten about him after a few years of him being gone.
You…
He had to get back to you, Everything in Ben was screaming at him to make it back to the states to get back to you somehow. He wondered if you were even still alive or if you’d be alive and.. well a bit older now with how much time has flown by.
Then he remembered the one thing he promised himself that he would do. He never broke things off with Countess. Well, after what she and the rest of his team did, he was pretty sure it was already over but Ben? Well, Ben wanted to make sure things were more than official. Make her and the rest of his old team pay for the time he’s wasted being here when he could have spent the last several decades being with you.
1984…
After he shut the door behind your apartment, he looked at his team. All of them looked frustrated with him for taking so long. Well, with the exception of Black Noir since his mask was covered.
“Who the fuck do you think you’re looking at? Do you want me to tell you how many damn times I’ve had to wait on all of you when we have to go on a mission? Head out to the car before I crack your fucking skulls open.” He told them and they all started going out to the car so they could get to the headquarters.
Ben looked back at your door with a certain aching in his chest.
He knew you tended to have some sort of intuition about some missions. He wondered since you were clearly worried about him, if he would have anything to be genuinely worried about, or if you were just trying to find an excuse to make him stay.
He hoped that you knew that if he could stay with you, than he would have. But this was Ben’s job, and he didn’t have that much of a choice.
Once Ben made it to the car that took him into that plane so they could go out of the country, his mind started wandering off to you. He wondered if you liked the little gift he gave you. He wasn’t exactly huge on sentimental shit, but you meant something to him and he wanted you to have something to remember him by just in case your little intuition was right and he did have something to worry about.
Eventually, Ben made it to an airport and snuck his way into a cargo plane. It was an easy enough way to not get caught since it seemed entirely too complicated to sneak in the actual airport. Nobody would believe he was Soldier Boy, and he highly doubted people would believe it anyway since it’s been so long.
Anyway, once he got onto the cargo plane, he did what he could to make himself at least semi-comfortable since he had a feeling this would be a long flight.
The one thing he was looking forward to, though, was seeing your smiling face again after so many years.
He was finally coming home.
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A few days had gone by and you knew Butcher and his little team must’ve made it to Russia by now. Well actually, they may have even arrived back in the states if they’ve successfully found what they were looking for. You just hoped they would find the answers so they could end Homelander. The world deserved to know the truth about their beloved heroes and their many imperfections.
On the other hand, you had a feeling that such a weapon couldn’t actually exist. It was just some kind of folklore at this point, a legend that you genuinely thought to be myth. If that were the case, though, you wondered how they would end up defeating Homelander.
Then again, if what you heard was correct and that group that came to visit you was really involved in the death of Translucent, you were sure they would find an alternative way of taking care of Homelander. They seemed like a smart enough group to improvise something if things weren’t going to go their way.
For the time being, you were at the store, just getting some groceries you needed at the house. It gave you an excuse to get out and about somehow without drawing much attention. Plus you needed food before you got hangry.
While you were grabbing some ingredients you were planning for some meals that week, you could hear a few other shoppers talking about the news and when you looked over at one of them, they were pointing at a television screen.
You glanced up at the tv at one of the corners in the store, your eyes widened when you saw the reports of a building that experienced some sort of explosion. It wasn’t released to the public how many people suffered or died because of what happened, but you knew the numbers would be released eventually.
“Do you think it’s another Super Terrorist?” One person asked their friend.
“They’re called Super Villains. Didn’t you hear Homelander? That’s the better term, obviously.”
You couldn’t help but to roll your eyes at the conversation. Just because some famous guy says one thing sounds better shouldn’t mean the whole world has to stand by it. People were allowed to have their own opinions and they should learn to think for themselves rather than look to supes for political accuracy.
Your eyes widened when you saw the footage released on the news. Some terrorist used some sort of energy blast to destroy that building. How many people did that person kill?
There were times you couldn’t believe the kind of monsters that were out there today. And you thought Hitler was bad, having lived through that. Why were people so insane? You couldn’t believe what this world was coming to and you couldn’t help but feel out of place sometimes.
Shaking your head, you went back to minding your own business as you tried to think of what you should eat for dinner that night and what ingredients you needed. Some Italian dish came to mind so you picked up some pasta, Alfredo sauce, and some seasonings you needed. Then you went to the meats, you grabbed some chicken and you picked up some shrimp and garlic bread from the frozen aisle.
After that, you went to the wine area and tried to think of what sort of wine you were in the mood for that evening.
Gosh, you could hear Ben’s voice in your head making fun of you for being a wine drinker after all the times you both would have some beers together, or maybe the harder stuff after a long mission he had. Although it’s not like either of you could get drunk unless you had a full bottle or two for the each of you.
You smiled to yourself as you remembered some of the drinking games you two would come up with when you would watch old voices. You knew Ben hated watching romance movies but one time your forced him to watch Gone with the Wind with you, and he made up the bright idea of making a drinking game out of it. Anytime Scarlett would flirt with, kiss, or even hug Ashley it was one drink. That was just an example of the nonsense he’d come up with in the movie.
In the end, you decided to pick up some Franciacorta, just some sparkling wine for your supper that evening. Maybe you would even watch Gone with the Wind again, without playing Ben’s little drinking game.
After finding everything you needed, you went to the register and bought everything. You walked out of the store you grabbed everything you needed before you started making your way home.
As you walked out with your bags in hand, you started walking to your car when something caught your attention through your peripheral vision. You glanced over and you saw a man in what looked like a grey runners outfit of sorts with a red stripe on his jacket. He had long hair, a very messy beard that was in desperate need of a trim. But he had these eyes that seemed so familiar, eyes that you hadn’t seen in decades.
“It couldn’t be…” You whispered and when you took a step forward, a large bus with some poster for The Seven drove by and once it passed, the mystery man disappeared.
“Ben…”
It couldn’t be true. He was dead. You hadn’t seen him in decades, everyone in Vought said he was dead. The whole world knew he was gone. How was he still alive. That had to be him right?
What if you were mistaken and it was just some kind of look alike? What if it was just some sort of freak coincidence? Surely you were just seeing things because of those people that swung by your house a few days ago.
You went to your car and popped open the trunk so you could set your groceries down. Afterwards, you went into the car and started to drive home, completely unable to get that man’s face out of your mind.
The man’s face, even if it was covered by the unruly facial hair, you knew deep down that was your Ben. But how did he get back into the states if he was out of the country for so many years?
“You’re imagining things. It couldn’t have been him.” You reminded yourself.
If it were really your Ben, he would have contacted you a long time ago if he were still alive. So you had to be reasonable about this. Maybe if you just go on about your business, you would be able to move on and forget you ever saw that stranger. What you saw couldn’t have been a reality.
After a while you had arrived home and you grabbed the groceries from the trunk of the car. The trip from the car to your front door was a short one but you noticed an envelope taped to your door.
You lifted a brow and you shifted the bags from one hand to the other, you were just glad you didn’t have that many bags after all. Taking the letter from your front door, you opening it to enter your home. You shut the door behind you with your heel before entering the kitchen so you could set everything down on the counter. Once your hands were finally free you opened up the envelope to see what was inside.
When you pulled out what was inside, your eyes widened.
It was a picture, a close up, of the man you used to know. He was in the last uniform he ever wore before his out of the country trip. He had his mask off and he was already there in Nicaragua with his team. It was a photo that was never released to the public.
You looked at the back of the photo to see if there was a name, note or anything on it but it was blank. What you found was simply a heart and the date the photo was taken. It was such an old photo and you could tell that Ben wrote the date with the heart a long time ago. So it couldn’t have been recent, unfortunately.
You wished you knew who had this photo for so long. Why did they keep it? Was it one of his teammates?
You wondered if Countess had something to do with it. She never did like you for whatever reason. You didn’t really care to know why though.
When you were about to set the envelope down somewhere, you noticed a little notecard fell out. Your tilted your head a little before you bent down and picked it up and read the notecard. The handwriting was clearly feminine but you proceeded to read.
Hi Miss Y/N,
My name is Annie and I’m friends with Hughie. I’ve found this picture of Soldier Boy somewhere in the files in Vought and thought you might like to have it.
Best regards,
Starlight.
That was oddly sweet of her to give you a picture of Ben. Hughie telling a member of The Seven where you lived felt a little unsettling though. You weren’t sure if you could necessarily trust it, but none of them have exactly given you a reason not to trust them just yet.
The best you could do at the moment was just set the note to the side and went to your little desk in your office. You realized you never put your chest back where it belonged that had all of your letters to Ben.
The events of today were definitely worth writing about. Maybe one quick little letter before dinner couldn’t hurt anything, could it?
When you grabbed your writing paper and a pen, you began your letter which was practically a run down of everything that’s happened within the last couple of hours.
Ben,
You wouldn’t believe what happened today. Supe Terrorists are active and I think I’m hallucinating…
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Ben ended up visiting with The Legend after his little mishap with that building after his arrival.
Honestly he couldn’t explain what happened. He was still getting used to his new abilities, sure, but he wasn’t even trying to use them when he killed all of those people. The news released the numbers and he found out he killed 19 people.
“So how did you do it?” Ben’s old friend asked while Ben stood in the bathroom looking at himself in the mirror.
“Do what?” He questioned as he looked at his hair and beard. You’d have his head if you saw him walking around like this. You hated if he didn’t trim his beard, now he understood why.
“You got a razor or a trimmer anywhere?”
“Yeah, second drawer on your left. And you know what I meant. How the Hell did you fake your own death?”
Ben rolled his eyes as he pulled out the drawer to look for the razor. What he saw wasn’t a single blade like he was used to, but it looked like it had five blades.
“Who the fuck needs five blades to do the job of one blade?” Ben asked as he held up the razor and the old man just shrugged.
“Just keeping up with the times, Ben. Now are you gonna answer the question or not?”
“Let’s just boil it down to I got lucky, alright?” Ben finally answered before he looked at the man through the mirror.
“Although… I would like some info on Countess. She still suckin’ in air?”
“Yeah, as far as I know. Although, I’m getting the feeling your little reunion won’t blow over too well, will it?”
Ben just let out a hum, “We’ll see how it goes for her. Do you happen to know what went down in Nicaragua?”
“What do you mean? Everyone said you were killed and whatever supposedly killed you was in Russia.” Legend commented as he stood there, somewhat amused while watching Soldier Boy use a different razor than what he was used to.
“So you don’t know everything that went down?”
“Am I supposed to know what went down?”
Ben sighed. Honestly he wasn’t sure if Legend was telling the truth on this one or not but he did trust him enough to not kill him. No, he just wanted his revenge on his former teammates, “The team set me up. Countess, Noir, Gunpowder, all of them.”
“Shit, Man.”
“They tried to get me killed then they sent me to Russia. I’m just lucky I found my way back.” Ben said and he put the razor down before he picked up some scissors to start trimming his hair.
“So that’s why you’re off to see Countess, huh? Ask her who exactly was behind it and all?”
“Well duh. I just wonder if it was a Vought thing or if it was just the crew wanting me dead.”
“Good luck with all that. You’ve never really had that many problems getting what you wanted out of them, excluding the end of course.”
Then he remembered the woman he saw not long after he blew the building. At first he could have sworn it was you, but he wondered if it was just some sort of relative of yours that looked almost exactly like you. Ben just had to know for sure if it was you or not.
“Have you heard about Quake? Is she still around?” He questioned while he focused on his trim.
“Quake? Last I heard she was alive and kicking. No one’s heard from her in decades though since her retirement. You know how she was though. If she wasn’t really into the fame Payback brought you and your old team, she’s not going to want the public to know where she is or what she’s been up to.” Legend replied.
Ben couldn’t help but to smile a little to himself. You had your little quirks and he thought it was cute that you never cared much about the fame of everything. He thought it was sweet in your own little way that you wanted him all to yourself and wanted him to break up with Crimson Countess before you even slept with him.
“You know, a lot of people speculated after your death if you two had a thing for each other.” Legend said just as Ben finished up trimming his hair and he brushed the remnants off his shoulders.
“So is that why you’re asking about her? You planning on seeing her too?” Ben looked over when he heard the question.
“I need to know who my allies are is all. Clearly Payback doesn’t have my trust anymore.”
“You’re avoiding the question.”
“Come on, I’ve been gone decades and you’re wondering if I’ve got the hots for Quake? She’s probably moved on by now.” He rolled his eyes. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s lied to Legend, or withheld information.
“Uh huh. Right… well she never ‘moved on’ as you say. She doesn’t have any kids or grandchildren. There’s no record of her getting married either.”
Those words made Ben’s heart swell. You actually waited this whole time? He could hardly believe something like that. Most people would have moved on.
“Right… well… Do you know where Countess lives? I’d better be off before Vought IDs me in the video the news released this morning.” Ben cleared his throat
Legend sighed a little and he walked over to his desk where he had a sheet of paper. He wrote down the supe’s address before handing the sheet over to Ben.
“Watch your back out there, Soldier Boy. Things aren’t exactly the same as how they were when you were still presumed alive. Shit’s changed and they have a lot of security cameras. Vought’s gonna have access to those.” Legend warned.
“Yeah… you’re telling me. Never in my life have I felt out of place. It’s fucking weird.” He said and he took the paper from his friend, shoving it into a pocket.
“Wish me luck.”
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Hi everyone!! Thank you all so much for your support and comments in the first part! I am so excited to see where this story will go and I hope all of you enjoy~
Tag List:
@deans-spinster-witch @roseblue373 @fanfic-n-tabulous @chriszgirl92 @hobby27 @nancymcl @globetrotter28 @jackles010378 @capricxnt @k-slla @angelbabyyy99 @david-tennant-obsessed-blog
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bye everyone!
hi guys! so i have actually decided to go ahead and part ways with this account! this year, i lost my mother and im not going to lie...what im feeling right now i really cant put into words. i thought i could push through, but im honestly really tired and i dont have the energy anymore for a lot. she was everything to me, and i just...i can't put into words how good of a mother she was. its been months and i genuinely feel like everyday i wake up and its that day again. ive just not been in the headspace and it makes me sad...sad that i never have the energy to laugh and interact with my mutuals and think better positive things. i haven't even been able to do something as simple as respond to messages, comments, etc., and im really sorry guys. i can't stress enough how amazing this community has been - how innovative, unique, intellectual, and diverse this community is. a lot of you have no idea -- and i mean NO idea - was something as simple as a kind comment has done for me. somedays i had no hope and id get a notif somebody that was just kindness for kindness sake. they probably just went on their normal life not knowing how there careless, beautiful kindness impacted my day. if you ever took the time to engage with my content - thank you very much❤️ thank you for taking the time to engage in discussion, whether good or bad! thank you for sharing your insights and observations and lives with me! thank you for listening to me rant! thank you for all for centering the important issues of racism, misogyny, homophobia and representation!
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mockerycrow · 1 year
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Undercover II (Soap x GN!Reader)
undercover series masterlist — previous | next
Summary: After being waterboarded, your body is too exhausted and injured to handle any more. Soap and you are formally introduced outside of an interrogation setting.
[WARNINGS: medical inaccuracies, military inaccuracies, angst.]
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“Any dog, you put him in the corner, no matter if they’re vicious or not, they’re going to bite back.” -Mike James.
WAKING UP AFTER such harsh injuries is weird. It’s like the world keeps trying to materialize, distant voices that aren’t too definite, textures under my fingers aren’t quite recognizable yet, not being able to tell pain or pleasure from one another.. I wake up first with sensations across my body—pain, numbness, open wounds, closed wounds—cold, hot, burning, piercing. It makes me wish maybe I did die by Makarov’s hand. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to bare the burden of everything I know, everything I did to prove I was.. loyal, to that sick, sonofabitch.
I feel incredibly heavy, sandbags instead of muscles, my throat feels like I swallowed glass—that’s almost worse than the pain I feel in the rest of my body. The next thing I hear is a faint monitor, maybe two different ones? I can’t tell. My mouth is dry so when I swallow, nothing comes down my throat, but the retraction of my muscles in my neck ache nonetheless. I cough quietly and I gain just enough energy to open my eyelids. I find myself in a.. infirmary type room. I go to move my hand over my gut but metal sliding against metal hits my ears. My unfocused gaze hovers over to my hand and I see one of my hands is handcuffed to the railing of the gurney. My heart drops into my gut as I weakly pull on the handcuffs, a quiet sigh leaving my lips.
Fuck.
My free hand rests gently on top of my gut—they had to have cut me open or some shit, because this hurts like fucking hell on Earth. I feel like my goddamn intestines are about to spill out. Or maybe it’s the aftermath of Makarov’s torture hitting me.
I look down at myself and I’m changed into a fresh hospital gown, a surprisingly high quality blanket draped across my body. My free arm has an IV in my arm and in my vein in my hand, connected to a dispenser not too far away. I look up at the hooks decorated with liquid medicine—definitely a pain killer, I don’t know about the other bags, though. Can’t read from here. My hand goes my face and I feel two tubes; an oxygen tube gently hooked into my nose and a.. I think a feeding tube? My fingers go down to my jaw and I find a bandage wrapped around my neck and jaw, my eyebrows furrowing together. Jesus. Maybe he did break my jaw. Why can’t I feel it, then? I lay my head back down onto the paper pillowcase, closing my eyes for a few seconds. So, now I have to make a plan. Did they patch me because I was about to die? They know I have a lot of valuable information, so they need me alive just enough for that stuff. Makarov’s remaining warehouses, his extensive plans, everything. Do I keep my mouth shut? Yes. I have to remain loyal to my true team, not the one who’s planning ripping populations apart, desecrating entire cities—
The nearby door opens and my eyes shoot open as my heart nearly jumps out of my chest. A doctor comes in with a nurse and they pause at the sight of me being awake. I stare back at them for a moment before the doctor smiles softly at me. “You’re finally awake. That’s good, we nearly lost ya.” His accent is a thick southern-american (U.S.) one. I don’t answer—I wish I could thank them, but I have to be Zhenya. The doctor turns to the nurse and murmurs something just out of my hearing range, the nurse nodding in return and leaving the room, leaving me alone with the doctor. He begins to approach me and my heart monitor immediately begins to spike, as if I’m in danger—because I am—I have no idea who this guy is or if he plans on torturing me, too! The doctor stops in his tracks, his voice coming out as comforting and soft, “Woah there, pal. I’m not here to harm ya, just here to check your vitals. Ask you a few questions, too.”
My hands clench into weak fists as I keep my eyes on him—wait, American??—I don’t have much time to think about that as the doctor comes over to my IV machine, glancing at the numbers before looking at me with a soft, sympathetic look. “My name is Doctor Erikson. Are you in any pain?” I hesitate to answer but I give him a subtle nod, my hand resting back over my stomach. Doctor Erikson turns to the IV machine and ups the drip dosage, glancing at me. “Alright, now I have some basic questions for you, okay, hon? You were out longer than expected, so it’s just prodecure.” I answer with another nod, keeping my eyes training on Dr. Erikson. He has dark skin with tightly curled hair, put up into a neat bun. He has square glasses resting on his big, arched nose. Dr. Erikson is clean shaven, a scar resting on his cheek—looks quite old, probably from a shaving accident when he was younger. He has big, welcoming and soft brown eyes that you don’t feel like they stare into your soul. In this line of work, we need more people like him. His eyes may be soft, but you can tell he’s seen some things. I rapidly blink in order to focus; I naturally profile people when I feel.. on edge.
Dr. Erikson presses the end of his pen and the ballpoint end pops out with a click! He looks at me, a soft subtle smile remaining on his face. “What is the year?”
“2023.”
He nods and quickly checks something off—probably a box. “Who is the President of the United States?”
“Joe Biden.”
“What’s your name?”
I stare at him for a second and my heart stops for a moment before I answer with, “Zhenya. Zhenya Antonenko.”
Dr. Erikson and I stare at each other for a moment before he checks off two more boxes. He sets aside the clipboard on a counter nearby in the room. He keeps the pen and walks over, murmuring, “Keep your head still, follow the pen with your eyes only.”
Dr. Erikson begins to move the pen left and right, tracking my eye movement as I keep my eyes trained on the pen. After he doesn’t find any eye coordination discrepancies, he sets the pen down and grabs an otoscope, putting a singular use cone on the end, clicking the ‘on’ button, the end of the cone emitting light. He comes to my left side and gently puts the cone inside of my ear, checking for a few seconds. “You’ll have some visitors in a few moments, they will inform you of your medical injuries and what procedures we took.” He murmurs softer than he was before, considering how close he is my ears. My ear tingles as he removes the otoscope, coming around to the other side of the bed to check my other ear. I don’t respond. Dr. Erikson hums as he throws away the single use cone and murmurs ‘stare straight ahead’, using the little light from the otoscope to test my pupil dilation.
Fuck. I don’t want to see them again. Not now. My hand grabs the blanket, and then there’s a firm and quick knock on the door before the door swings open.
In comes fucking Laswell, Hudson, Mutton-Chops, and Mohawk.
What in God’s name is fucking going on??
Dr. Erikson puts the otoscope away and walks over to them, glancing back at me before talking. “They’re in a delicate state, physically and mentally,” He mutters, probably thinking I can’t hear. He isn’t good at being quiet with military dudes. His own people though, sure. “Be sure to play nice.” Hudson immediately approaches my bedside and I can’t help the hot and stinging tears that threaten to spill from my tear ducts—his soothing voice instantaneously makes my worries die down for a good 10 minutes. “You’re okay now, [Name]. The mission is over. You’re in good hands.”
I choke on a sob; of relief? Of devastation? Of need? Of grief? I don’t know.
I lift my handcuffed hand ever so slightly, my voice wobbly, “Why?”
“It’s a safety precaution,” Laswell says gently, approaching the bedside that Hudson is on. Mutton-Chops and Mohawk stay by the door, quietly eyeing me. I catch Mohawk’s eyes and I can’t read his emotion which makes me feel on edge; I turn back to my familiar faces. “S.. Safety precaution?” I question, glancing between them. They give each other a look—a look of pity—before Hudson speaks up. “You’ve.. been through a lot, [Name]. More than I can imagine. Until we have you go through a psychological evaluation, we’re keeping the cuffs on you.”
Oh. So like a caged animal.
My shoulders sink and I glance at the handcuffs, joy mixing with dread. “I know it’s hard, but we’re having Soap stay with you until we can have that psychologist come for you.” Laswell murmurs, gently grabbing my hand and squeezing it? avoiding the IV and it’s tape. I nod as I glance over at the men. “What kind of name is Soap?” I mutter, earning a snort from Mutton-Chops. Hudson looks at me worriedly, his wrinkles-in-the-corner-of-his-eyes kind of worried. I look back up at Hudson and look between him and Laswell a few times, biting the inside of my cheek. “Everything?” I ask. They don’t even need more than that to know what I’m talking about. “Everything.” He confirms with a nod. I take a deep breath—which I immediately regret because now it feels like my guts are trying to spill out again owowowowow—and I must wince because Laswell grabs a pillow from a nearby table and puts it on my abdomen. “Here, hold the pillow with soft pressure. It helps that weird feeling with your stitches. Learned it from the field.” She comments, her eyes scanning me like a worried mother. I nod as a thank you and use my free arm, applying pressure across my abdomen—gentle, mind you. Oddly enough, it brings me some level of relief. “We’ve provided Soap with a recorder so we can record your statement and stories, so you don’t have to repeat everything over and over.”
I nod silently—my throat feels like shit and I have no energy to speak, so might as well save what I do have for the statements..
Hudson clears his throat and glances at Laswell, then back at me, “Laswell and I have to go for a bit, since the operation has been revealed, we have a lot of shit to do.” He says with an unsatisfied tone; like he wants to stay by my side. My heart warms a bit from that— Hudson has always taken care of his team, made me feel like I belong. I crave for him to stay near me but I bite my lip, —and then quickly releasing it from the hold my teeth had on it because I one-hundred-percent forgot that my lip was injured—and shake my head. “Go,” I start. “It’s not like I’ll be going anywhere, right?” I attempt to make a joke, and Hudson tries to offer a stale chuckle—one he only does if someone got seriously injured.. It must be bad—and he squeezes my hand gently.
They murmur me their goodbyes, taking their leave, pushing the door open and walking out. Mutton-Chops follows them close behind.
That leaves me alone with Mohawk—“So you must be Soap, then.” I state as the man starts to approach my beside, his boots thumping against the infirmary floor. He offers a boyish grin that fits him quite well and he nods, grabbing a chair and easily pulling it kind of near the bed, but not too close. The distance suggests distrust, caution. Which is understandable because he did take place in my brief torture part two..
Like a wild animal, again.
“The one and only,” He chimes, his fingers fiddling with the recorder. Soap leans back in the chair, his eyes studying me for a second. “Doc said someone should give ya th’rundown of what happened, eh?”
I nod, my fingers absentmindedly playing with the pillowcase of the pillow across my stomach. Soap hums and tilts his head, his expression turning ever so slightly sad. “You had internal bleedin’ n’ broken ribs; one of which nearly pierced ye lung. Your jaw is fractured on yer right side, they had t’put a screw in. Your stabs wounds were pretty ‘typical’ by the doc’s standards, but they did have to open you up and repair th’abdominal wall. He said you’re lucky you didn’t lose any organs.”
Lucky.
Lucky.
Lucky.
That fucking word. “I’m lucky?” I bark out with disbelief. I know I am, but that phrase makes me so angry.
I look back at Soap whose lips are pursed together; he’s sitting up from my slight outburst which makes me look back down at my lap. Soap doesn’t say anything for a moment, the faint beeps of the monitors filling that empty space. When he does speak, he switches on the recorder. “This is Sergeant John MacTavish, Callsign Soap interviewing…” He trails off, holding the recorder out between himself so it can pick up his voice, as well as mine. I take a deep breath and let it go. “[Name] [Last Name].” Soap offers a mood lifting grin as he repeats his name back to me and murmuring the date. His lip curls just enough to show some of his gums by his right canine tooth, ever so slightly. I can’t help but wonder for a moment why he suddenly is so friendly, but I already know the answer to that. When you’re in this line of work, there are friends and there are foes. There are no frenemies in this game. You are either on their side or against it. Something I can relate to.
“What division are in, and your mission?” He has a professional tone for the sake of the recording. I don’t even know this guy it seems so unlike him that it makes me wanna roll my eyes into the back of my head until they get stuck there. “I’m a sergeant of Task Force Eclipse. My Captain is Tyler Hudson, and my teammate, besides my captain is Trinity Wilson, code-name Lake. My other teammate Sasha Miranov, code-name Coal, is KIA. Richard Jensen, code-name Tendril, had committed treason and had joined the very cause I’ve been fighting against. He’s also KIA.” I pause as my heart aches. “My mission began a few years ago, I was a special ops soldier that worked with the CIA, being placed wherever I was needed. Station Chief Kate Laswell called me into a special conference room where I was met with my future colleagues…”
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I pause in the doorway as my eyes scan several different unfamiliar faces, sweeping the room on instinct. I spot Laswell, General Shepherd, and an old friend, Tyler Hudson standing in front of the round table where the three strangers are sitting. “Come in,” Laswell beckons, holding a thick, vanilla folder between her fingertips. The confusion is shared between amongst me and three strangers—I shut the door behind me. Laswell leans over the table and presses a button and the glass walls of the conference room become foggy and soundproof. “Sir.” I greet General Shepherd with a kind and professional tone, taking the seat closest to Laswell. He nods towards me, his hands folded neatly in front of him. His brow is pushed forward like something is troubling him; isn’t surprising, considering his position. Laswell holds up the folder as she begins to speak. “You must be wondering why I have called you all here today. You’re here because between Captain Hudson, General Shepherd and I, you four are the best for this job. You have not been given any details up until now because this quite possibly might be the most confidential mission you will ever work on in your time of service.”
Laswell places the folder down and motions to the person furthest from me. “Everyone, this is Richard Jensen. He will be joining us from MI6, along with—the girl who is next to him—Trinity Wilson. Then there is Sasha Miranov and [Name] [Last Name] from our very own CIA.” We look between each other wearily because Laswell still hasn’t said the nature of this mission, and General Shepherd hasn’t said a word at all this entire time. We give each other silent head nods because there will be time to get acquainted later. I put my hand on the table and fingers tap nervously against the glass top. Laswell steps out of the way of the wall with both Captain Hudson and General Shepherd. Hudson hands her a small remote which she murmurs a thank you, turning to said wall. It prompts all of us to look in the same direction and she presses a button and a projector projects a light box with a symbol of a moon and sun in the middle, hints of CIA and MI6 logos as well. She looks back at us, letting out another sigh laced with stress. “Today, you are no longer with your old units. You are now in Task Force Eclipse, lead by Captain Tyler Hudson; curtesy of CIA.” My eyebrows raise for a second because of the anticipation in my bones, in my veins. Working with Hudson?
She presses another button and pops up Richard Jensen’s face and basic information; his name, his age, blood type, occupation, whatever. “Also starting today, you are no longer yourselves,” Laswell presses another button and Jensen’s information fades into Russian, quickly translating back to English. My lips part in surprise as Laswell opens the vanilla folder, going around the table, passing out different documents to everyone. “Starting today, you are living as new people, from either Russia or Ukraine. You lived and grew up in these areas and share the same ideals as our enemy—who you will be working closely with.” No fucking way. There’s absolutely no fucking way—
“We have entrusted you five to work this undercover op, to weasel your way into Makarov’s organization and take information to relay it back to us. Is that clear?” Shepherd’s tone is rough, rude, and authoritative as always. He’s leaning his hand on the table, looking between all of us. I keep glancing between my documents, briefly glancing over the information before looking back up at him. “Sir, no offense, our mission is to.. be terrorists?” Trinity speaks up, her accent cutting through the air like a knife. Her tone shows she’s absolutely baffled, traced with incredulousness. “Yes. You will have to be prepared to commit acts you never would otherwise.” He responds, holding back his snappy response from her own. I look down at my paper and see my new name, my new age—very close to my actual one—my new backstory, fuck, even passports and other official documents are displayed with my new name. “You will have to work close with the group, even find your way under Makarov’s wing. We will set up times and dates for you to relay important information back to your Captain, and to me.” Laswell’s voice is a bit quieter in volume as the heavy mood sets in the room. I tense as I borderline feel everything just.. sink. “You all have worked undercover ops before, and you all have done incredibly well. This is why we trust you with this task.”
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It was no secret the CIA and MI6 trusted some of the wrong people, and some of the right people.
taglist: @glitterypirateduck @darling006 @elowynnlane @hardnutpost [If you are not tagged and you’re here, it did not let me tag you.]
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the---hermit · 11 months
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18|10|2023
Today I was more productive than I expected to be. I have been struggling a lot with focusing, and today it wasn't an exception, but I still crossed out all the tasks of my daily to do list. Autumn is definitely here, the temperatures got very low, and we also got the first rain today. Tomorrow it's going to be a bit annoying to commute if it will rain again, but I am not too mad at finally having proper autumnal weather. I am walking around the house wrapped in a blanket at all times, but that is my regular form for most of the year. I am still feeling a bit stuck with my crochet project, so I am trying not to force myself, because it's a hobby and not a job, but at the same time I would like to pick it up again because since my energies are so low I am spending more of my free time watching digital screens and it's not ideal. The thing is that I would normally read in my free time to shut off my brain and relax, but right now I am way too tired to also read in my free time. I end up listening to podcasts which are fun, but if I am not crocheting while doing that I am either playing some mindlss games or coloring on my tablet, which is still a digital screen, and my eyes aren't happy about it. I am thankfully getting a bit of reading done with graphic novels since I have decided to reread the first five volumes of Something Is KIlling The Children, but I feel like I haven't found the right balance for my free time yet.
Cozy hobbit autumn activities and productivity:
read first thing in the morning
daily Irish practice on duolingo (after creating yet again a review plan to go alongside the units I have not worked on yet. Because of course right after I was done with my big review they changed everything and now everything looks different and there is some vocab I never worked on)
listened and wrote notes for a lecture of my power practices and men theories class
finished reading and highlighting the article I had to read about The Merchant Of Venice
updated my reading journal
worked on a series of future bookish posts
continued listening to the mistholme museum podcast (which I am really enjoying! I found out about it quite randomly because it was recommended to me on spotify, but now I am really invested in it)
packed my backpack for class tomorrow and picked out an outfit already (being nice to future me so they won't have to worry about it tomorrow)
reorganized my sweater drawer
📖: The Book Of Lost Things by John Connolly, Something Is Killing The Children vol.2 by James Tynion IV and Werther Dell'Edera
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lcvclywon · 3 months
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HIATUS ANNOUNCEMENT
hi everyone!! erm this isn’t my normal stuff but i’ve been thinking about this for a while and after a lot of consideration i’ve decided i’m gonna stop writing and being on enha blr as whole. theres some personal reasons behind it but in short when i joined enha blr i wasn’t in the best state of mind and used writing as an outlet, being on blr really helped with my healing overall and i’m happy to say i am feeling better and more like myself!
im always gonna be eternally grateful for the community ive grown to be apart of on blr, it was probably the best thing that came out of this whole experience. i love all my moots so so much and they’ll always hold a special place in my heart seriously. without them i probably wouldnt have made it this far. i also am extremely grateful for all of u guys, like seriously i reached 800 recently and it’s so so shocking to me how much ive grown bc of a silly hobby.
and in all honesty after coming back from my semi hiatus i realised i don’t have the same spark for writing as i did before. it sucks but i feel like im forcing myself to write when i really don’t have the energy for it. i’ll always love reading and writing but for now i think i’ll be taking a break.
tldr i guess is that ive just lost a lot of motivation for writing and being on blr in general. so this is an announcement for an indefinite hiatus, but in all honesty i’m reallt not too sure if i’ll be back. thanku all for everything and all the support tho i seriously mean it, lcvclywon will forever hold a place in my heart 💗
tagging a few of my moots
@junislqve @cupidhoons @dioll @copyhanni @jongocat @jwsdoll @ohmydollie @jlheon @antoncyng @flwrstqr @floweryang @bywons @atrirose @wonfilms @okwonyo @onlyjjong @en-gelic @hyeinism @sainns @saursoob @nwjws
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gangplanksorenji · 9 months
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Kinknuary Day 5: Degradation
Pairing: IVE Ahn Yujin x Male Reader
Word Count: 4,681
[Kinknuary Masterlist]
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“That looks awful, Yujin.”
“Come on, daddy, you’ll like this!”
Well, the blending of her outfit composes an unorthodox harmony which makes you detest it but the beauty behind what lies within is the most important aspect—Yujin herself can pull off any style, even if it means for you to not like it. Yujin, a glamorous girl, never fails to look close to a goddess at any time possible, even when she’s totally sullied, she’s still the most gorgeous girl you’ve laid your eyes upon.
Even such harsh criticisms about her are meaningless, faulty and full of bullshit—she’s close to perfection yet you can’t really comprehend the beauty of her outfit right now and it’s really bothering you.
“It’s really weird, Yujin—no matter how much I gaslight myself to think your outfit’s good, it’s really not there—” 
“Maybe, but it’s your own opinion! My stylist really approved of this style!”
Sometimes, Yujin’s optimism is off the charts and it’s getting kind of on the verge of craziness, in a good way. Such uplifting energy being emanated by her is contagious and you love it, no wonder why the rest of members feel cheerful whenever she’s there as it’s evident. Not to mention, the days where you almost lost everything, Yujin was there to fuel your happiness and to cheer you up and you’re just grateful to see such a kind soul in Yujin’s heart. 
Well, well, back to where we were…
“Whatever, you still look beautiful, anyways…” You pull her wrists towards you, initiating into a torrid kiss in which she was caught off-guard, yelping and humming as the kiss was making her heart melt.
“Yah—daddy, someone may see us, let’s go in. Don’t want my daddy to get caught by those paparazzis…”
“You’re so sweet, Yujin—I don’t want that to happen to you either.”
With the fear of getting caught by those possible eavesdropping people, you let her into your humble home as the best of all things were just going to start.
---
“You wanted this all along, huh, Yujin?”
“I’ve planned this all out, daddy, isn’t it obvious?”
Bet it is like that. It wasn’t even a sweat finding it to be too conspicuous as visiting you means three things for Yujin: one, is that she misses you a lot that she couldn’t contain it anymore and wants your affection; two, she wants to talk about something that means a lot to her or, that piqued her interest truly and; three, she’s here for a quick fuck for her daddy.
All options were optimal and understandable and probably, all of the reasons were checked out on why she is here, at your place, with the most ruinable outfit imaginable.
“Yeah, no shit, Yujin—” You pin her down the wall, as you mutter a hot breath that sends down tingles up her spine as an admiration of her faultless beauty and then a faint snarl as you glare at her and continued, “—I bet your slutty pussy won’t even make a day without my cock plunged into it, isn’t it?”
That alone arouses her into oblivion, whining in response as you mark her neck softly, nibbling onto the porcelain skin with aims to let Yujin know where she belongs only, and that’s you. Struggling because of her sudden sensitivity with your touch, she lets out a series of moans in which you love but at the same time, your patience is running out quickly as you will soon be enraged with it.
“Answer me, Yujin—”
“Y-yes, daddy—I’m just s-so horny right now that even with o-our photoshoot earlier, I can’t think of anything besides only you, daddy…”
That thought prints a smile on your face as you were flustered about Yujin clouding her mind with you only, yet, it doesn’t stop there as this was just some obvious foreplay as the test was about to begin pretty soon.
“You’re cute when you’re needy, Yujnnie, but I want to ask you something.”
Yujin’s eyes lit up in anticipation and excitement as your words set the switch of her submissive and needy demeanor—by all means, she’s willing to take and answer whatever question you will utter, no matter what the consequences may be.
“What is it, daddy?”
You sit on the bed, facing up the ceiling and then letting out a sigh as worry paints her face, scared of what may trigger your possible disappointment even though they weren't any cause. “I’m not easily convinced if you really deserve to get fucked silly—you need to earn it first and will you do that for me, Yujin?”
Your stern look forces an immediate answer escaping her lips, willing to do anything that will make your life full of heaven and delight. It is true, you need to test her capabilities first and earn her desired grand prize—hard work pays off in the end, and you’ll let her know that. Spreading your legs for some clarity or rather, a hint of what she’s about to be tackling, she immediately knows what you want her to do as her clever mind never fails to make you smile. Falling down to her knees, lined up in level with your crotch, she makes the most endearing look towards you, her puppy-eyes flattering as she feels excited about what she’s about to do to you.
“Undress me, make it quick.”
“Yes, daddy.”
She is told what she’s told and immediately, she fulfills your command, quickly undressing each piece of your clothing as she starts unbuckling your belt, her fingers shaking a little bit for unknown reasons. You don’t know if it’s because of the nervousness injected right from the start, her lack of experience in which you doubt or something else that you don’t know—you didn’t care about it as she continues what she’s doing with no more interrogation. With her current sluggish pace of stripping your bottom half, you called her out and scolded her a little so that she can up the ante and to not disappoint you. She took this as a hit of a stride, further doing what she’s been told to as the cold air meets your skin, feeling your last bits of defense falling down to the floor, deeming useless. Well, it seemed like she succeeded on her first task as with the last bit of your iron wall protecting the beast within getting removed, you let out a sigh as Yujin was met with your already-erecting member, her eyes in awe and pupils dilating as she admires the beauty of it, inch by inch.
“Daddy’s getting hard, oh god—it’s so perfect.”
“Then do something about it—” You lift Yujin’s chin with your fingers, then glaring at her, voicing an intimate need that should be fulfilled by her and it’s a must. “—don’t you dare disappoint me, Yujin.”
Of course she won’t try to because the consequences are unbearable at her end. With your already erected end, she didn’t faze herself to ask what to do and immediately obliged to pleasure you. She looks in awe with your throbbing cock as she places her finger at the base of it, massaging it slowly and stroking it with fervor. It was sluggish and pleasurable but you didn’t want that, so glared at her as she was confused right after, scared that she may have provoked something that you didn’t want—it’s about time for her to know about that. 
It’s not too long for her to know what you want as she slowly parts her mouth in contact with your mushroom-shaped tip, swirling her tongue around the slit and then parting kisses in admiration of it. She continued with this as you suppress your moans, trying to silence yourself despite the intense pleasure she’s been putting you into. She didn’t up the pace and continued to suck you off with only half of your length in her tight mouth, growing the pleasure as she alternates it between strokes and suctions. You grew impatient with her sluggish endeavors as you slowly formed a tight grip on her head, forcing her down to take your whole length as her nose became buried down your abdomen. It caught her off-guard as constantly gagged on your whole length, tears seeping out of her eyes and then running out her cheek and when you’re satisfied, to let go of your grip as she ejects herself out immediately, gasping for air as her ruined visage is such a sight to treasure.
“W-what the—hah—f-fuck was that, daddy?”
“You’re complaining, Yujin?” You’re in disbelief as she tried to question you and immediately, she knew that wasn’t the right move. She liked your harshness but the shock is inevitable and you didn’t care about that.
“N-no, daddy…”
“Good—you fucking know I like it sloppy, what are you waiting for?” Your commanding tone forces Yujin to do what is asked as she parts her soft, luscious lips onto your tip again and immediately starts to suck you off with renewed fervor and determination, aiming to impress you truly with just her mouth. Inevitably, saliva seeps out of her mouth as your whole length is sheathed with it, with some dripping onto your balls. The pace was ridiculous as her gags were also constant too, bawling her mouth in every thrust she does of her mouth as more tears run down her cheek because of her own masterpiece. It may be a masterpiece for the others, but not for you as she lacks a lot of principles of a great, sloppy blowjob.
“Have you really forgotten what I taught you, Yujin?” Your words didn’t break what she’s best at, unfazed with your remarks as she continues to blow you as fast and as sloppy as she can. “I’m really not having this one, Yujin—again, you don’t want me to be disappointed.” She ups her pace, regardless on how much she gawks and gags as she does the best that she can, blowing you like no one truly could as her face gets sullied, her hair disheveled and her saliva creating an awful mess on her beautiful face and onto the vicinity of your raging length.
“Do I need to repeat myself? You're a pathetic slut—do I need to teach you something again? I might get to call Wonyoung to teach you about the basics, no?”
Having enough of your degrading antics, she pulls herself out of your length, catching a breath and asking a point to you. “Daddy, what do I e-even need to—gluck—mmfh!”
“Even forgot to fondle my balls and stare at my eyes—you’re better than this, Yujin, come on now…”
With such elements being unattended, worry expresses her face as she seemed to forget such simple things on a spectacular blowjob as with no time to waste, her dainty hands averted your attention towards you sensitive balls, rather than gripping your thighs harshly as a leverage to the pace she ensued with. It alternates and it’s better—those orbs shining with lust everytime she thrusts her mouth onto your cock is such the cherry on top as eventually, she maintains eye contact with you despite the current struggles she’s experiencing. It was better than what she'd done earlier and you’re satisfied with it but you mask your satisfaction with a stern look, prompting Yujin to up the challenge more. With an incredible task she’s been doing, you can’t help but let out faint moans and expectedly, the familiar knot in your loins, signaling your near release. Yujin noticed this, as the persistent throbs of your cock onto her mouth makes it evident and took this as an opportunity to milk such a healthy load from you. You knew this, she wants from you as you stop her advances, not wanting to paint her throat with her load as you have more plans with her and the both of you were just starting.
“You fucking greedy slut—trying to milk a damn load, huh?” You let her go as she immediately pulls out of your succulent meat, gasping for air as she frowned in disbelief, wanting your load to be tasted by hers as she didn’t approve of your commands but there’s nothing she can do with it as you have the higher authority, the omnipotent one.
“I c-can’t help it—I want i-it so b-bad, daddy—”
“You won’t have it because girls like you don’t really deserve it up in their throat…” You rose up from your relaxed position, approaching her as you stared at her eyes with such suspenseful intent. “They deserved it inside this tight, little cunt, do you understand?”
Yujin nods frantically with her eyes uneasy, fear emanating down every emotional chemical running up her body as she doesn’t know what to feel after her oral service. Nonetheless, she did a nice job but you want to let her know something that may snap her back to reality.
“B-but did I do good, daddy?”
You sigh, facing her, then looking back at her muttering, “I’m such a hypocrite if I lie yet there will be room for improvements, Yujin.” You sat back down to the bed, shooting up a stern look on your face as you commanded her to strip. It wouldn’t fall deaf onto her ears as she slowly get to work, undressing that stupid jacket off as the long-sleeve followed right after, the hypnotic sense of the show making the atmosphere even hotter as every clothing that gets off is a wondrous sight, and it’s much better because of that dreadful outfit becoming useless and stripped away. She seduces you like a vixen, her eyes constantly attracting you and her smirks letting you know how much she’s enjoying this. You’re just on that emotionless and serious demeanor, unfazed with her unparalleled hotness as with the last bits of clothing getting removed, you can’t help but be aroused with the sight of a god-like body. You weren’t  immobilized either, as you stripped off the rest of your clothing while eyeing and admiring her scrumptious figure.
“You liked this, daddy?”
“Of course—who can possibly detest and reject such a five-course meal in front of them, hm?”
She doesn’t need any questions about that, because every inch of her is perfection at its finest and meal to be savored and devoured whenever possible. You’ll never get tired of the taste of her sweet nectar and the delicious skin as every inch of her should be praised yet this is not where you should bless her with praises—you’re here to test her and conclude on your judgment.
“Thank god you got rid of that awful outfit. It’s mildly concerning how bad it is.”
“Yah, daddy—it wasn’t even that bad!”
“Shut your mouth, Yujin! You don’t get to talk back until I say so, do you understand?” 
Surprisingly, she obeyed your command, nodding slowly as she didn't talk back further, her eyebrows furrowed right after, full of fear and anticipation.
“Now turn around and bend over the bed, hand behind your back and with your foot still stepping on the floor, alright?”
Another nod ensues as she immediately bent her figure over the bed, her ass high up in the air. You take some moment to admire her backside, her thick thighs and it’s plump, spankable butt that’s all offered just for you. The black thong she’s currently wearing was such an arousing sight that it got your cock twitching constantly. You then gave her ass a harsh spank that reverberated around the room, the jiggle after the slap becoming the cherry on top as it hypnotized you but nonetheless, you didn’t give in and fought the urge. Yujin always moans heavenly and blesses your ears in each spank you do as it fuels you to tease her even more and you absolutely love it.
“You’re kinky, huh? Imagine doing a photoshoot having a buttplug up in your ass—you’re really a desperate slut, Yujin.”
“I can’t help it, da—”
You spank her hard again, in distraught as she breaks the golden rule and immediately, she let out a cry from the harshness of your actions.
“What did I fucking say? You don’t get to talk until I say so, right?” You retorted towards Yujin, gritting your teeth with a hint of anger being felt as you were getting disappointed with her disobedient remarks.
“Y-yes, daddy—I’m sorry—”
“No need to be sorry, Yujin—” You spank her as she let out another cry, feeling the intense sensitivity coursing down her veins as you hitch a breath onto her ear and whispered, “—you get to talk with this pussy. Take me well and you’ll be rewarded, do you understand?”
She frantically nods again as her thighs quiver in sensitivity, feeling the utmost pleasure as she’s now in a very defenseless state, prone with your attacks as she can’t do anything but enjoy with your masterclass. You smile with the fact that Yujin is powerless against what you could do to her, feeling the utmost delight inside but you still emanate an intimidating demeanor, scaring her still. With your still fully-erected member, you tease your tip onto her labia, making her moan constantly as sweat now forms down her back, feeling the hot air permeating all over her porcelain skin. 
“Imagine moaning this much with even just the tip teasing you—you’re such a desperate one—a pathetic slut, Yujin, that’s what you are…”
“I a-am a pathetic slut, daddy—ahh, fuck!”
Another harsh spank was drawn with your hands as the reddish sting is imprinted onto her butt, letting her know that the way she contravened you again was not the play. You chuckled upon the helpless predicament she’s in, feeling the utmost authority as you draw your finger up to her dripping core up to her puckered hole, teasing her repeatedly as she moans in pleasure driven by your dexterity.
“One more and you’ll see, Yujin—you’re such a worthless fucktoy for me to use, don’t you? You even struggled to take me in your mouth, what more into this tight, little cunt?” She lets out ragged breaths once you insert a finger up in her pussy, deeming it as her kryptonite as she almost fell down to her knees due to the intense pleasure and sensitivity she’s experiencing. 
“See? Even with just my fingers, you look like a helpless, little slut that lives only for my cock—I bet you won’t even last long with my cock buried balls-deep inside your pussy—hah…”
You continue pleasuring her with your fingers as she didn’t even care to suppress her moans, giving it absolutely everything to arouse you further. You then continue the pace of your fingers as you tip teases her puckered hole, letting out a series of cries from her on par with her angelic moans and the whispered into her ear, “Do you want daddy to fuck you real silly, hm?”
Yujin took seconds to respond, as the intense serotonin she’s experiencing was too much to handle as she nodded instantly and pleaded, “P-please, daddy—I need y-your cock—gahh—i-in my slutty pussy. Fill me u-up and show y-your slut who she be—ahh—longs too…”
You plant another grin as she’s right, you’ll absolutely oblige to that even though she knows where she only belongs to. With a couple more flicks of your fingers inside her pussy, you became contented on what you’re about to do to her as you let her have her desired prize—not really a prize, but rather proving something to her as she let out a muffled scream (it was subtly silenced thanks to your hands) from the warmness of your cock plunging right into her tight heat. Whenever she moans, it really gets you to up the pace immediately as it’s like a curse to lure into your deepest, carnal desires but you fight it, wanting to savor the tightness of her walls and to prove a point to her.
“Look at you, Yujin—look at how pathetic you look right now. My cock is barely even in and you’re this sensitive and weak? I knew better, Yujin—now take it whole, you slut.”
You immediately bury your entire length inside her tight walls as you feel it clench, the both of you then exchanging moans with Yujin letting out the most broken and sensual ones. You could feel her wetness enveloping your member, almost suffocating it as she’s incredibly tight—she was always tight and you love it truly and you’re so thankfully that only you will get to feel her, nobody else. With a newly profound arousal, you noticed how much Yujin is getting turned on with your degradations towards her as you noted it, wanting to show more of what you bring to the table. You then start to thrust with such a moderate pace as you harshly grip the side of her hips, hard enough to leave print but not bruises—maybe it can because of how you're holding it for dear life.
Of course, such spanking didn’t get forgotten here as every thrust or two you do, a harsh spank comes right after, resulting in a silent cry escaping her lips, voicing out her pleasure. With all of the perfection your eyes lay upon, such faulty inevitabilities are on the path, and you’re ready to voice it out.
“God, if you didn’t cut you hair short, I could have gone and pulled your hair while fucking you from behind.”
Yujin answers back, her voice still trembling from your pace and the pleasure running through her, “I w-wanted this, daddy—I thought y-you—gahh—would li-like me experimenting o-on things?”
“Yeah, I know but it’s alright, at least I get to spank you real good.”
You spank her again while maintaining a newly profound ruthless pace, now her bubble butt becoming imprinted with red marks because of your harshness and you smile just with the sight of it. With now your cock constantly ramming her pussy like it’s your last, her moans orchestrate music in your ears as screams come right after. You noticed how much your raging length makes her enervated as you can her legs partly giving out from the repeated onslaught of harsh thrusts in aims for your pleasure and not her—but still, she’s taking advantage of this as even thought you didn’t mind giving her the utmost pleasure, it’s inevitable considering how she’s having a good time and the constant clenching of her wet walls around your cock. It wasn’t anything new and still, it’s arousing as fuck—Yujin saccharine yet deep voice when moaning is such a blessing and disguise, and it’s hypocritical if you say that it doesn’t put gasoline onto the flames of peak arousal (of course you won’t because it’s always an eargasm hearing her soft, deep moans of need).
Such cruelty is ensued with your hips, and Yujin replies with such profanities escaping her mouth, voicing her satisfaction and the pleasure that she’s cherishing—and not so long after, she’s about to be gifted with such a blessing only her daddy can give, no one else can. Within your rapid thrusts and the harsh grips and spanks you’re giving her, you noticed something that was bound to happen, smirking in delight at the fact that it signals the fact that she’s loving your rough treatment despite the possible struggle she’s up into.
“What’s this, Yujin—already cumming onto my cock? Do you even deserve to do that when you could barely take me like a good girl?”
It is true—your whole length stretches her out so well that she couldn’t comprehend to think about taking you in like a champ but rather, fully give in and voice her satisfaction like she’s losing her sanity.
“I’m s-sorry—gahh—daddy—ofh fuck, y-you’re just too b-big—gah!”
She’s not sorry for that but rather didn’t mind it as you continue fucking her senseless. Yujin inevitably spreads her slowly in order for you to fuck her deeper and greater as it’s rewarding, fiding such intense pleasure and new depths that makes her cry in such intense pleasure, unable to take everything as it’s too much on what she wanted but loved this right away. Within your intense pace, you can’t just become a robotic entity programmed to just fuck her until she gives out, so you grabbed onto her small, perky mounds and kissed her nape while doing it, further letting her know the affection you’re giving to her as she moans in response, feeling too grateful to your enamored actions. You pinch the taut bud and massage those pillowy mounds as the heavenly tightness of her pussy sends you into overdrive—becoming too overstimulated as the pleasure you’re experiencing is now off the roof as it’s the same with her, the juices of her cunt forming a rivulet dripping down to your balls and onto the floor is a sign that the both of you are just too lost on the pleasure. Kissing her neck repeatedly and sucking onto the porcelain skin, you know you weren’t far off to reach your peak as you continue fuck her mercilessly, chasing your orgasm.
Such profanities and lust are now the paramount feeling coursing to your veins, so you voice your near-ending and your approaching euphoric disposition as you whisper on her ear, “I’m going to fucking cum inside you, Yujin and you better take it like a good girl, you pathetic slut!”
Now giving her pussy the last thrusts in concern for you pleasure, you flood her ears with moans as she took advantage of your pace and came again onto your cock, streams and streams of her nectar streaming down her thighs, your balls, onto the bed sheets and some onto the floor, staining it. You didn’t mind the sneaky orgasm she was in as you licked down the sweat that profusely formed onto her back, tasting the salty skin and for further arousal to chase your long-awaited orgasm.
Within your last rams, you groan as the pleasure coursed down you’re veins and the inevitable snaps, burying your whole length and filling Yujin up to the hilt as you shoot thick shots of semen deep inside her, painting her walls white as she lets out series of lustful moans because of the euphoric state that she’s in. You continue thrusting into her, further fucking your seed inside her and riding out your orgasm and once it subsided, you slowly pulled out to her, admiring the mess you’ve make inside her with some of it dripping out of her heated core, running down her thighs. You caressed her butt as you admired the sullied sight of Yujin, full of delight and satisfaction as you finally gave her what she wanted but to come up and conclude your judgment, you wanted to make one more thing as a final remark.
“Get up, go on your knees and clean up my cock, Yujin.”
Even with her wobbly legs almost giving out, she didn’t hesitate to oblige, further servicing you with another oral assault as a conclusion on this steamy session. She plants her soft, luscious lips onto your lips and sucked the remnants of your seed and her nectar, cleaning up the mess the both of you made. She hummed in satisfaction as she finally tasted hints of your semen after being deprived for a month without it. After series of licks and swirls of her tongue onto your throbbing length, you let series of weak moans due to your sensitivity as she’s now done with her concluding masterpiece—your cock crystal-clear clean as you help her to get up, and then muttering up a proposition that she won’t deny.
“Want to clean up, Yujin?”
“B-but I want you up in my a-ass, daddy—want to g-get all my holes filled…”
You glared at Yujin, and then let out a chuckle from her needs, “Come on, you can’t even take me that good up your tight cunt, moreso on your ass? Don’t worry though—” You planted a kiss on her lips as you reassure her, “We’re just getting started, there’s more to do later so you better be prepared…”
And god, this will be one hell of another night, again…
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skunkfairy · 1 month
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Gaslit about covid? Me too. [RANT]
as you all can tell by my page im so new, but for context, im trying to find COVID-19 safe/conscious groups online. i started with Instagram and ive moved to here.
something thats on my mind recently is how i have been severely gaslit to just think covid isnt a thing we should worry for and that im a conspiracy theorist about covid just because i still use mitigation in my daily life and i give a shit about disabled/immunocompromised/chronically ill people in my community and in my life. i genuinely am so scared for whats happening and what will happen to our collective health.
like i had like a breakdown after all my roommates stopped masking last fall and it lead to me being triggered and disassociating for almost a whole year because i felt unsafe with people i previously felt safe with (feeling/being unsafe in my home is a major trigger for me). i was lost touch with reality, i have never felt so disconnected from my friends, mind, and body. it was so bad. And it took a lot of energy, effort, and practice to communicate my needs and boundaries with them only for them to be like "Cool you sound like you're living in fear and im not changing". in the end i decided to move to a different apartment because i coulndt deal with all of them being like that.
the past 4-5 years have made me feel a lot of things and i wrote a poem about the grief ive felt specifically around the pandemic and how it has drastically altered my late teenage and young adult years. maybe ill put it here one day lmao.
a silver lining in this is that all my way of life as i knew it is gone and dead. and that makes more room for me to find people who care for and value our lives at a basic fundamental level and furthermore are willing to act daily to show our love and care for one another. this new life makes more room for me to really question my consumerism [god forbid we stop eating indoors at restaurants and risk getting a deadly virus for shitty food] . it makes me question how i interact with the world with a COVID-safe/mindful lens. and most importantly put disability justice at the forefront of my activism.
I have grieved how life was and i have come out the other side accepting and wanting to do everything in my power to protect my community in the ongoing pandemic. i understand my responsibility and i have begun to see how disability justice connects all of our collective oppression and how disability justice/rights/activism is a key part to our collective liberation. i have seen how covid conscious or safe people [idk what to label it ive been going back and forth bc i think a lot of people have different definitions of these labels im sorry] are so kind, so caring, so compassionate, so giving, and so loving in a way that i dont see or truly feel in other activists/advocates groups. I personally feel the safest, most loved, and understood by my friends, family, and peers who are covid safe and practice community care.
much love to all of them it has made me love them in beautiful new ways. xx im so grateful to have them in my life. if u made it this far ur real asf. if u want share whatever covid related rants id like to read them or if you have thoughts on what i wrote let me know 🥺.
rn i just feel like im shouting into the tumblr void and its been cathartic.
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