#so now! i get to have surgery!! which is a Lot but also very exciting | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

weebsinstash · 26 days

Note

I’m sending this again because it might’ve been eaten by tumblr. (this is meant for hazbin but if you wanna write about a different fandom go wild!)

I like the idea of a Reader who is obsessed with not being humanoid. Maybe they purposely get themselves hurt by angelic weapons so they have to replace body parts. They’re so infatuated with being ‘upgraded’ that they don’t even realize someone is in love with them.

idk i just like the idea of it :p

I think I might've briefly covered this idea before but I keep thinking about a computer Reader who is in a relationship with... Jesus I can't decide anymore, any of the applemedia boys individually or just all three lol, where you're a computer/bot person and one day the boys come home and you're just. Completely different

You're all happy and excited to show them how you've changed your body, or maybe you discovered you have new powers all of your own, and the change in your appearance, at least to them, is... significant. Your head might be a completely different shape. Your voice may even sound differently. You might even be taller than before.

Just the idea of you all but racing to the door because you're so happy to show them this thing you think is so cool, or maybe it's a surgery you've saved up money for and worked REALLY hard for, and just... picture their smiles literally falling off of their faces (except Alastor but, it's as close to a grimace as he can manage). They're looking at you with clear shock, and it breaks your heart instantly. This is you, and your body, and who you are, and they... they don't like it? Even if they come around and apologize to you, your trust has been broken, and maybe even for extra drama, they catch you cheating on them, because since you no longer feel comfortable with any of them, you need the approval and touch of someone who DOES find you desirable

I've actually also mostly had the inverse of your idea a lot tbh, where Reader has a very tech-y box-like computer head and is a lot like Vox, but you hate your Sinner body so so so much that you find a way to make a new one. Alastor and the rest meet Fake You which is basically just a significantly more humanoid robot that you got looking shockingly like the old human you via some magical technological knowhow, and your real body is just, intentionally hidden away in your closet, plugged into an outlet or something, and you occasionally have to let your fake body recharge and cool down, which is 'sleeping' in your bed

Like I know I'm mentioning different ideas at once, but can you even imagine it. You're dead and you're getting massive body dysmorphia because you have this giant fucking weird head and all the parts of you that made you YOU are no longer flesh and bone but something else, something entirely different, and you're so incredibly disgusted and disdainful of this change that you can't even look at reflections of yourself? Then you find out how to make this, fake secondary body you can basically just transfer your consciousness into, and it's basically like a game avatar you can customize however you want, and you make it look basically exactly how your human body used to look, maybe with some slight Hell based alterations so you don't draw too much attention like horns and a different skin color, and while all of that is kind of a form of denial, it helps you cope with the trauma of being dead

Now imagine you're now basically living every single second inside of that fake body. It's not designed to eat. It's not designed to sweat. It's not designed to cry. But you're so extremely disgusted by your true form that you do basically everything but the absolute essentials in your new body, being in it basically 18/7 (cause God knows you're not letting yourself sleep and fully recharge either; can't risk anyone finding your secret while you're asleep)

I'm serious. Just imagine what would happen if you were awkwardly forced into this situation where your 3 very pushy soulmates are constantly basically forcing their way into your apartment, and you never want to eat in front of them, you forbid them from entering your bedroom, you don't cry in front of them, and one of them eventually basically completely ignores your boundaries and wanders into your bedroom, which is not only a complete depression cave but then they find the actual you, sleeping in the closet, on the floor, not even on a bed. There's little bags of trash laying around you like this, this living device you have become never leaves this small, cramped room. Maybe you've even cut a hole in the door and installed a slot where you just pass food and trash back and forth and you hate your true body so much you don't even let it leave the closet, even have it locked from the outside or you're pushing a piece of furniture in front of the door or something

Like literally, all three men awkwardly cramming themselves in your small walk in closet to crowd around "your real body" in awe while the fake you is getting upset and telling them they need to leave, you hate them, you don't want to be with them, whatever you think might make them leave, and they're just, looking down at your body that you've been keeping in the closet, sleeping on just some laid out blankets like some kind of shitty futon, and you show signs of being damaged, almost like something has been hitting and kicking your body in fits of rage, even showing outright signs like self harm like scratches or scrapes or cuts on your body with a box cutter from your job still on the floor nearby. This closet is so cramped, with no light sources inside of it besides maybe some candles, and you've moved all your actual clothing into boxes or drawers outside the closet to completely commit the small space to being a depressing, dark prison

and then your tummy growls and, that does it, they're instantly demanding you tell them how to "transfer you" back into your original body so you can get something to eat, and quickly making it pretty clear that they're not very receptive to the fake vessel you now inhabit. You did all of this because you hated being this, this weird fucking robot, going through all these lengths to get this body that made you feel mildly human again, but then your actual soulmates just, want the body you cast aside, and yes while they are technically objectively correct that you shouldnt be coping like this, in your eyes you see them rejecting "the real you", which is the artifical you you've constructed that looks like your old human self, and are instead choosing this, monstrosity you absolutely hate that borderline disgusts you to be, and you're also feeling like they aren't being considerate to your feelings. They're SO UPSET that you treat yourself like this that once they forcibly disconnect you and force your soul and energy back into your true body, they confiscate if not outright DESTROY your little decoy, which ALSO completely breaks your heart, and they're all, weirdly fetishistic and sappy and doe eyed as you sit there on your closet floor crying tears of frustration and grief and anger from your stupid boxy head because 1. They've never seen you cry before and 2. This is the first time they're basically officially truly meeting "their real soulmate" and seeing and hearing you completely unfiltered (hostile cussing and all)

I just really like how Hazbin has a lot of fantasy and magic in it which really expands the possibility for the kinds of stories we can think about and have fun with and all of you are clearly having fun too, sending me asks way more quickly than I can answer them. We're all having fun here for sure

#yandere hazbin hotel #yandere x reader #vox x reader #alastor x reader #sinprompts #hh

55 notes · View notes

wosoluver · 6 months

Text

To undo a mistake

Part 4/17 - previous - next

Lena x Bayern player!reader, Ana Guzmán x Bayern player!reader

Lena Oberdorf Masterlist

──✩₊⁺⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧──

That therapy session was... something. To say the least. Your eyes puffy once again.

We didn't talk much. I practically just dumped all my problems to her. But it felt good to get everything out, to someone who wouldn't judge you but also wasn't allowed to give too much of her opinion.

When you walked out, Ana wasn't there yet. So you just decided to sit and wait.

It took her around 10 minutes to show up.

"Hey. Have I made you wait for too long?"

"No, not at all. So do you want to go get some coffee? I'm out of practice today and you probably don't have many friends here yet."

"Your the one that looks like you could use a friend. Let's go. You drive, I don't have my license yet."

"First of all, ouch. Second of all, let's go. You'll be my passenger princess." - You said it excited.

Lena never really let you drive, you were always the passenger princess.

And you quickly tried to wisk the memory away.

You were both in comfortable silence in the car. Only the sound of Ana's music playing in the back. And yes you were forced to give her the rights to dj. Passenger princess' rule number 1.

You stop at your favorite place. It was never too crowded, which you were thankful for.

"I'll go order, what do you want?"

"Whatever your having, is fine."

After ordering and getting your coffees you go sit on a quiet corner.

"So, how are you adapting to Germany?"

"Oof- it's so fucking cold here. Not even in the coldest winters we get this temperature in Colombia."

"You'll get used to it after some time. A few jackets and coats and you're good."

"And you? Had a nice time in therapy?"

"Oh yeah. So much fun!" - you answered equally as ironic.

"I can tell by your puffy eyes.

I think today was my first time not crying in there."

"Must be hard. I've never had a bad injury. But it seems like the worse. Lena went through-" - you cut yourself off before you could say anything else. Your face dropped. Here you were again. Everything you think of, brought up Lena, one way or another.

"And Lena is-"

"My ex. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking when I said that."

"It's fine. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." - but then you proceeded to dump everything that had happened into the conversation. - "It's just, my head is still trying to wrap around everything. She already has a new girlfriend. And I'm still dealing with my feelings.

She broke up with me, over the phone can you believe that? I never felt so meaningless, so betrayed. Our five month relationship thrown into the trash. All of that, because Munich is too far from Wolfsburg for her taste."

"Wow, you had a lot to say for someone that didn't want to talk about it." - she said that hoping it would easy the anxious face you had going on. - "It's okay. Time works differently for different people. You have the right to mourn your relationship.

Is that what has been driving you down?"

"Yeah, I just wasn't ready to see her. I'm still in love with her. I mean was. After what happened Saturday, I think it might be time to except it's over."

"You still had feelings for her? Even after what she did?"

"Yeah. I guess I was just hopeful. I felt like in some way things weren't over yet. I just- It just didn't make sense. Lena is not that type of person. She would never do that."

"But she did. Look, if she meant to hurt you or not, you'll probably never know. Unless you talk to her."

"I am not going to talk to her."

"Then you'll have to settle for the unknown."

"I think I will. Can we talk about your feelings now? I've humiliated my self enough."

"Fine. You were right when you said I needed friends." - she let out a deep breath. - "When I first got injured. I was very hard on myself. Specially after hearing the diagnosis and that I'd have to go under surgery. I stressed my self over when I shouldn't have.

I pushed everyone away.

The hardest thing, when we are hurting, is to remember others are most likely going through something too."

"But that's kind of natural I guess. To be so into your own head you forget about others. It's just- there is such a thin line between being compassionate towards people and putting their needs and feelings before yours. To be honest I've never been good at navigating though it either."

"Yeah, I've been getting better about it I think. Therapy has helped me understand a lot of things. The most important of them, I think it was acceptance.

I feel so much better since I accepted that I have no control over this type of things. I couldn't change it even if I wanted to. I just have to go through it. And soon enough I'll be back playing once again."

"It's good to know your coming out better from this one. Sometimes things happen for a reason, and sometimes it's for the better"

"It's getting late, we should get going."

"Yeah. I'll give you a ride home."

For the rest of the day all you could think about was what you two had talked about.

Maybe you could use some acceptance yourself. Of how things were, and not what you think they should be.

And stop worrying so much about what you had no control over.

That's how it works when you live right? Life happens.

──✩₊⁺⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧──

Have you guys been wondering what's been like for Lena? Well next chapter is Lena's pov!

It's still an Obi fic I swear.

I think from this chapter on, it's finally going to be good writing. I wasn't liking how things the previous parts came out.

#woso x reader #lena oberdorf x reader #lena oberdorf #vfl wolfsburg frauen #fc bayern frauen

131 notes · View notes

tpher · 11 months

Note

stop making me care about topher (respectfully)

my immediate thought was to annoyingly wax poetic abt topher to make it worse so i WILL

topher is 16 by the time hes in the show and the td timeline is all fucky wucky so lets say hes been a fan since the start so hes liked total drama for around 3 years. 3 years? not a lot of time but to a TEEN??? that is SO incredibly long. ESPECIALLY if ur autistic/have a hyperfixation like topher did. so total drama, chris in particular, was his LIFE

it is especially very.. unintentionally meta that so late in the show and in one of the most hated seasons you have this character who competes on the show with the intent of trying to make it better. he still loves it (or at the very least chris) but thinks it wasnt as good as it once was (again. chris). and again as a teen w a hyperfixation it hurts to see something u like go to shit. and in tophers case, its what awakened his dream to become a host someday. so what better way than to "fix" the show you loved by taking over, right? topher certainly has the drive and the motivation to try and make his dreams a reality, even if he does waste time and get distracted a bunch.

so imagine after years and years, you finally meet your idol. youre just so excited and wanna let him know just how much of a fan you are to get on his good side in general, but also as a networking opportunity. youve always wanted to be a host, so now youre not only meeting a host but THE host. so you try to talk but he doesnt really care. and youre just complimenting him and its bugging him. and giving him constructive criticism is also not allowed. and you flat out ask if you could just.. explain a challenge to the others at least once and he gets.. mad at you?

what are you doing wrong? nothing, of course. its just him who doesnt get it. its just him who doesnt appreciate all the years YOUVE put into him. he doesnt understand all the time and effort youve put into being camera-ready and taking meticulous care of your hair and skin; including being in posing classes since age 11 and having a suspiciously intricate knowledge on plastic surgery. most people your age barely even know what theyre going to college for, youve got your whole life figured out compared to them

youve waited long enough, you have the looks and the skills, and if he wont give you what you deserve, then its time to take matters into your own hands

so you grow bitter and impatient (and frown wrinkles, oh no!). youve resulted to stealing this mans phone to contact the network yourself.

and then imagine when you finally put in the effort. and you think your dreams are coming true and it was just your idol-- your FORMER idol-- pulling a prank on you. on international television. for millions of people including potential employers to see. which also cost your team the challenge and got you eliminated in such a humiliating way.

everything you had ever worked for is gone in an instant. and its all thanks to who was once your hero. the one who gave your life a clear trajectory

the last we see of topher, he is unable to form coherent sentences and twitching. we genuinely have no idea how hes doing right now

but i hope hes okay

#td topher

89 notes · View notes

merrybloomwrites · 1 year

Text

You Can Start a Family (Chapter 2)

Summary: Movie night with the Rowland family shifts gears for the trio.

Thank you to everyone who read part one! I could not believe how many notes that received in just one day! If you haven't read it yet you can find chapter 1 here

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tammy’s next two surgeries also went as planned and left her family breathing a sigh of relief. She spiked a post-op fever after the final surgery which extended her hospital stay by a few days, but once she became stable again, she was able to go home to finish recovering. She would be assessed to see if there were any more abnormal cells in her labs. If there were, she would likely begin a course of treatment but if not, she would be considered cured.

You had started to see Mitch and Sarah around more often. Once Tammy came home, they would all sit out on the front porch, since the fresh air made her feel better. Any time you were outside with Ryan you would pop over to say hi. You hadn’t met Mark and Tammy previously but were now very invested in her recovery. You would occasionally bring over more baked goods and sometimes a tray of food for their dinner. It had always been ingrained in you to help take care of the people around you.

You no longer fangirled when you saw Mitch and Sarah. After just a few quick conversations you were very comfortable with them, and they felt just like any of the other neighbors on the street. You actually felt closer to them than anyone else you had met in town. In the year you lived there you hadn’t had a lot of opportunities to meet people. Plus, the area you were in was home mostly to retirees. If you went to the center of town you were surrounded by the local college students who seemed so young. Even though Mitch and Sarah were a bit older than you and were pretty famous musicians, you felt like you got along with them quite well.

They felt the same way around you. Each time you stopped by they found themselves smiling, excited to talk to you and hear how your day has been going. They always invited you to stay for dinner when you brought them food, and after declining a couple of times you decided to take them up on the offer. While you didn’t eat with them all the time, you had been to their house on a few occasions over the past couple weeks. You enjoyed everyone’s company, and it was nice to have people to share a meal with again.

One evening about a month after first meeting Mitch and Sarah you were helping get dinner ready while Tammy and Mark were at a doctors appointment. Just as you were putting the last dish on the table they walked in the door. “I’m officially cancer free!” Tammy shouted immediately.

There was a second of processing time and the next thing you knew everyone was cheering and laughing out of pure relief. You found yourself hugging each member of the family. Each hug was fleeting, and after they ended you found yourself craving more. Aside from the occasional cuddle from baby Ryan, you rarely had any physical contact with anyone. Before that moment you hadn’t realized how starved you were for human affection.

You pushed that thought aside and focused on the conversation around you as everyone sat down for dinner. They all complimented you on the meal, as it was one you hadn’t made for them before.

“Thank you! It was always one of my favorites that my mom made. Took me a few tries to get it right, but I think I finally figured out all of the ingredients.” Sarah was watching you closely as you mentioned your mother and noticed how you once again spoke of your family in past tense. It had happened a couple of times, but Sarah had yet to ask any personal questions that would confirm her suspicions.

After dinner everyone moved into the living room to watch The Princess Bride since it was one of Tammy’s favorite movies. She and Mark sat on the loveseat and Sarah took the right end of the couch. You sat on the other cushion while Mitch set up the DVD player to start the movie. Once it was playing, he walked back to the couch, and you realized you were in the middle of the open space. You went to slide to the other edge, but Mitch sat there before you could move that way, pushing you to the middle between him and Sarah. It wasn’t exactly a large couch and you tried to make yourself as small as possible but that didn’t stop their limbs from occasionally brushing against yours.

Each point of contact sent a feeling of warmth through you that seemed to stay even after they moved away. You really thought you had gotten over your nervousness around the couple, but you were definitely feeling it again tonight. Shortly into the movie you started to think that this specific tension you were feeling had less to do with the fact that they were celebrities, and more to do with the fact that they were two people you found quite attractive.

It would be a lie to say you hadn’t formed slight crushes on both of them, even before you all had met. It was impossible not to, they’re incredibly talented and very easy on the eyes. You actively tried to squash out the crush now that they were real people in your life rather than individuals who just existed in videos on the internet. But in this moment, you simply couldn’t ignore the way they were making you feel.

Seeing you shiver, both from the feeling of Sarah’s thigh rubbing against yours and because you were legitimately a little cold, Mitch got up and grabbed a large blanket. He sat back down even closer than before in order to lay the blanket across the three of you.

In an effort to keep from freaking out about the now constant contact, you glance over at Mitch’s parents and realize Mark is very busy with something on his phone. A few minutes later the movie ends, and you immediately learn why.

Mark turns to his wife and says, “I’ve been texting with Susan and Jim. If you’re feeling up to it, they’d love for us to spend the weekend at the cabin with them. You could tell them the good news, and we can celebrate together.”

“I would absolutely love that! Thank you so much for coordinating this, dear,” Tammy replies and leans in to give her husband a kiss.

"And you're sure you feel up to it?"

"I can sit around the cabin resting just as well as I can sit around here resting. As long as you're not planning for us to hike a waterfall I'll be fine."

“Well if that's the case they'll pick us up tomorrow morning around 10.” “Oh gosh then we’d better pack and get to bed. It’s been too long since we’ve had a weekend away. And even longer since we’ve hung out with Sue and Jim. This is such a wonderful surprise.”

They walk over to the stairs and Tammy turns around saying, “Good night kids. Don’t stay up too late!”

“Mom, we're adults, I think we can handle a later bedtime on a Friday night.” Mitch replied with a smirk.

“I know, I know. A mother’s habits never go away. Y/N, feel free to stay over if it gets too late. These roads are terrible at night.”

You all finish saying good night and Mark and Tammy head upstairs. Mitch picks the remote up and starts playing Schitt’s Creek. You had seen it a couple of times before and it had quickly become one of your favorites. Upon learning that Mitch and Sarah hadn’t watched it yet you insisted that it be the next show they start.

The second episode of the night started playing and Sarah shifted next to you, putting her arm on the couch behind you. At first you thought she was just readjusting to be more comfortable, but a minute later you felt her fingers start to comb through your hair. You tensed at first but quickly relaxed, allowing yourself to enjoy the attention. After a few minutes of her fingers playing with the ends of your hair, she slid her hand to the left side of your head. You felt her put pressure on the side of your head, pushing you gently towards herself. Hoping you were guessing correctly, you leaned your head onto Sarah’s shoulder. She immediately placed her head gently on top of yours and began to scratch at your scalp. It felt heavenly and you practically melted at the attention.

Mitch was watching very carefully out of the corner of his eye to see your reactions to all of this. So far everything seemed to be accepted and welcomed. Mitch and Sarah shared a look communicating that it was time for the next test. You reacted positively to friendly touch, but what about something a little more intimate?

At the start of the next episode, Mitch slid his hand to rest on your knee as casually as he could. You again immediately tensed, first due to the surprise of the sudden contact, then because no one had ever touched you like that before, and finally because you realized this attention was coming from a married man. You had a brief moment of panic, wondering what he was doing. You looked down at your leg and realized it was a rather thin blanket, and you could easily see that his hand was resting on your knee. Which meant that Sarah could also see what was happening and chose that moment to place a soft kiss against the top of your head. It felt like a signal that everything was fine.

You once again relaxed, allowing yourself to simply be present in that moment and forced yourself not to overthink what was happening. Clearly Mitch and Sarah had some sort of agreement where this kind of physical touch with another person was okay.

You focused on the way Sarah’s head rested so gently on yours and on the shapes Mitch was drawing on your leg as he casually ran fingers back and forth. You knew this was all platonic, but you couldn’t stop the passing thought wondering what it would be like if his hand moved higher on your thigh. You tried not to think of that and instead got lost in the sensations once again.

You were no longer paying attention to the show, practically falling asleep as Mitch and Sarah lulled you into a mindset of peace, comfort, and safety. Suddenly the trumpets from the credits’ music jolted you awake, and you lifted your head off Sarah’s shoulder as Mitch’s hand slipped off of your leg. You looked at the clock on the wall and realized it had gotten quite late.

“I should probably be getting home,” you said, choosing to look at your own hands rather than at either of them yet.

“Like my mom said, you’re welcome to stay here. It's so dark on these streets and everyone drives like idiots.”

“Thanks, but if I don’t get home and feed the cats, they’ll poop on my pillow to teach me a lesson.” As much as you wanted to stay, you needed time alone to process whatever it was that just happened.

Sarah stood up from the couch first, grabbing the blanket to fold it and put it back in the basket.

As they walked you to the door Sarah asked, “Are you busy this weekend?”

“Aside from my normal weekend tasks of cleaning and going to the grocery store, my schedule is wide open.”

“Would you like to spend the weekend here with us? It’ll be pretty quiet with Tammy and Mark away,” Sarah continued. Mitch suspected what she was up to but kept his thoughts to himself for the time being, curious to see how you would respond.

After a brief pause you replied, “Yea, that sounds nice!”

“Great! Why don’t you come by around noon? We can start with lunch and see where the day takes us. Oh, and make sure to pack a bag, I’m thinking a slumber party could be quite fun.”

“Okay, but only if I get to braid Mitch’s hair,” you replied cheekily, causing Sarah to laugh and Mitch to roll his eyes with a hint of a small smile.

“Sounds like a plan,” Sarah states before pulling you in for a hug. Your arms wrap around her waist while hers tighten around your shoulders before she gently rubs your back. It was a longer hug than you were expecting, one that you had been craving since dinnertime. “Sleep well darling,” she says softly before giving a final squeeze and letting go. Mitch pulls you in next, holding you in a tight embrace that again goes on for longer than you expect. He places a kiss to the top of your head before saying a quiet “Get home safe.”

You blush and duck your head before glancing back up to say goodbye. You finally turn and walk to your car, your head full of confusing, but ultimately happy thoughts.

As they watch you leave, Mitch stands behind Sarah and wraps his arms around her waist. He leans down, pressing a kiss to her neck before leaning to her ear and saying in a low voice, “Are you plotting something?”

“You make me sound so devious Mitchell. I’m simply creating an opportunity for something to happen naturally.”

“And what exactly is this something that you hope will happen?”

“I guess we’ll have to wait until tomorrow to find out.” With that, Sarah turns around and pulls Mitch in for a deep kiss, breaking apart before they get too heated. After all, their room was directly next to his parents. That would simply have to wait until Tammy and Mark were out of town.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Thank you for reading chapter 2! The next chapter should be out in a day or two.

I've seen other people do tag lists so readers can get notified when new chapters are out. Would anyone want that? LMK!

#sarah jones x mitch rowland x reader #mitch rowland x sarah jones x reader #mitch rowland x reader #sarah jones x reader #harry styles x reader #mitch rowland x harry styles

152 notes · View notes

clownmoontoon · 2 months

Text

RAAAAHHH HELLO ITS BEEN A MINUTE!!! \OUO/

YOUR FAVORITE CLOWN IS BACK IN BUSINESS ive been quiet a while, a LOTS been going on in my personal life that brought my social medias to a complete (and unfortunate ToT) standstill til now!

i rlly wanna talk about it, its been honestly life changing and for safety i need to add some warnings:

cw for abuse both physical and emotional, and suicidal thoughts/ideation (dw im ok and not suicidal! i used to be and i finally have real context as to why)

ANYWAYS LETS TALK ABOUT IT

i got the opportunity to see a therapist for free for the first time since i was a kid and it was IMMENSELY eye opening.

SOME CONTEXT: ive lived with just my mother since i was a teenager as i tried to "make it" as an artist. ive had my ups and downs w this career goal and have been heavy in the midst of a very big Down period. entirely brought on by how sick i was at the start of the year to june (infected lymph nodes, pneumonia, 2 pounds of tumors in my uterus that required the removal of the organ entirely etc, i may have a weak immune system im realizing sdlkjd) which resulted in me having very little energy to create and/or post content. by july i needed to basically start over. which i was excited to do! i WANTED to get back to work and i was even excited for art fight! ;u;

aaaand in july is when my mom thought would be a good time to threaten to kick me out unless i found money to give her or got a "real" job. this came as an extreme and horrifying shock as i had just asked her the month before to "believe in me just a little longer" as i finally felt i realized what id been doing wrong all these years before and felt strongly i could succeed before the end of the year, she not only emphatically agreed but even said i didnt need such a time limit and she definitely didnt mind supporting me til i reached my dream lol i couldnt even do anything until july bc i was busy recovering from major surgery, coming home with tape on my stomach to heal the incision that hadnt fully closed yet

ive wanted to see a therapist for ages bc im Full O' Trauma and i knew it would help. The way this worked was basically like getting a free trial, i got six days of therapy (to be spread out as far as i liked) thru zoom.

i used the visits more for getting advice on how to reach my goals thru mental blocks and exhaustion bc ultimately i felt like 6 days wasnt enough time to get into trauma stuff and i really just wanted to get my career off the ground again, hopefully permanently.

i had vented a tiny bit about my mom and by the final visit w my therapist i decided to forgo the "how to better reach my goals" questions and ask if she had advice on how to handle someone like my mother, who i had to live with and rely on and who would often say something cruel whenever the mood struck. as i told her about my situation she stops me and asks

"do you hear yourself? bc i hear you"

and im suddenly so scared shes going to tell me the same, "get a real job" "stop acting so selfish" etc

instead she says, "this is abuse, youre literally describing an abusive relationship"

i was in complete shock

i even asked her how could i be the one being abused when i was the one using the resources and she compared it to a person getting married to someone rich and that rich person treating them like theyre worthless for not also making money.

it shook me to my core especially bc my mom loved calling me an abuser and comparing me to her abusive ex husbands (one of which used to abuse her physically, punch her/beat her etc) and saying im just like them

for the record ive never laid a hand on her, she would say these things whenever the mood struck, often out of nowhere

once bc i told her i couldnt read her mind and didnt know what she wanted lol wild

ANYWAY after this conversation i started looking back on my life and realizing why ive always felt so worthless, why i thought until my early 20's that suicide would be the best option for everyone. i was so exhausted from chasing this dream and feeling like such a worthless burden, my mother would get so angry with me for just existing and i felt like she would be so much happier if i were out of the picture, my sisters (both a decade older and living w their own families) calling me a leech and selfish for "using" our mother etc

any time i would stand up for myself, kindly and meekly as i could my mother would tell me how she wanted to punch my mouth, slap my face etc for years i thought she'd eventually fly into such a rage one day that she'd kill me and... i honestly didnt really mind the thought once while in high school my mom picked me up for lunch and offered to pay for a prom dress. i told her that it was ok, i knew she was struggling w money rn and i didnt really wanna go to prom anyway she flew into such a rage she pulled over on the highway just to pull my hair and beat me, and then dropped me back at school to finish my day lol

realizing that all of that IS NOT OK OR A NORMAL WAY TO FEEL OR BE TREATED AND I DEFINITELY DIDNT DESERVE ANY OF THAT was extremely eye opening

i told my best friends what my therapist had said and they were both like YEAH... DID YOU NOT KNOW YOU HAD AN ABUSIVE MOTHER??

apparently it was very obvious ^^; my friends were shocked to find that i thought everything was my fault, my therapist even used the term "gaslighting narcissist" to describe her which was WILDLY VALIDATING for me lmao

sitting w all these thoughts whirling around my head my mom texts me suddenly and tells me to ask my sisters for money (13 hundred dollars lol) bc she needs it for "bills"

i didnt want to do that at all she told me to "use my big words" to convince them and not to say it was her idea, but instead to act like i was asking bc i wanted to

it felt gross and made my skin crawl and honestly didnt even make sense bc WHY would i need that money so i asked but let my sisters know it was my mom asking and said she prob felt embarrassed to ask, while telling my mom that i asked in the way she wanted

my oldest sister makes good money and has helped our mom w money in the past. she texted me back asking why our mom needed money and why 1300 and i told her honestly i didnt know, i asked my mom what to say and she said to tell her she had an itemized list but she left it at work and couldnt remember what was on it lol

my sister told me to tell our mom that she couldnt help rn, so i did and my mom encouraged me to push harder to my other sister

suddenly the sister i had been talking to texts me and says that our mom left her a voicemail saying she doesnt know WHY i would ask for money, must be bc she threatened to kick me out bc i never help her with money :,( which was WILD bc any time i had money my mom would get most if not all of it, i havent been able to save money since ... ever tbqh, even when i tried my mom would successfully guilt every dollar from me letting me know i didnt deserve to save a penny after all shes done for me aaAA

ANYWAY i was so angry and hurt that my mom would just throw me under the bus i told my sister i had proof i wasnt lying (bc she was already inclined to believe our mother since they both considered me a leech to start with) and sent her screenshots of my texts

she was shocked and hurt too i decided to tell her about my therapy and how my therapist had called our mom an abuser and she answered that she understands more than ill ever know... which is very sad hjghfgf

we havent really talked more since and i deleted my texts to the other sister, more likely than not my mom sent her a similar voicemail

im very tired

i want to get out of here, im finally seeing this relationship for what its been for years and years, even back to when i was a little kid! i didnt know about suicide but id dream of being an animal in the wild bc i felt like if i were just out of the picture everyone at home would be less angry

its something that enrages me now tbqh ive tried all my life to be as little of a burden as possible and now im ready to be a problem LMAO :o)

the long and short of it is that i will be posting art sales and opening my patreon FINALLY to try and save up funds to get out of here ive also gotten a part time job on weekends for a little cushion tho some of that money will inevitably go to my mother, unfortunately

she doesnt know about the money i make online :o)

my family has constantly called me selfish, entitled and spoiled for just asking for common decency and to be treated like a person, theyve dehumanized me to the point that my greatest coping mechanism was creating a creature sona that isnt human but a monstrous equivalent lol AND I LOVE THEM IM EMBRACING CREATURE LETS FUCKIN GO

i know this has been long and if youve made it to the end i love u and im so thankful for your support!! ;u;

FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!! i want to come back full force, i havent stopped drawing at all, just havent had the energy to do much til now

my therapist even pointed out that i probably WOULDVE had at least moderate steady success by now if it werent for my mom's constant abuse

OH ALSO I NOW HAVE FOUR CATS LMAO a stray i had been giving water to and keeping safe from weather things (extreme heat, extreme cold etc) had her kittens here! and my mom gave me the ok to keep them all ;u; (and then ofc rescinded that but thats hardly a surprise now lol) and man, having kids cats sure changes your perspective on what u want and feel like you deserve! I NEED TO DO WELL BC THESE KITTIES DEPEND ON ME AND I LOVE THEM QVQ <3<3

SO YEAH IM BACK BABY IM GETTING THE HELL OUTTA HERE ASAP AND CONCENTRATING ON MY WELL BEING AND MENTAL HEALTH!! 😤🔥

#clown honks #MY SELFISH ERA BEGINS NOW BABIIIEEE <3<3 #literally as i posted this my mom texted me asking for money looool i cant

15 notes · View notes

industrations · 10 months

Note

Hi, may I ask you a question? I know this is probably kind of an unusual ask so feel free to ignore this! But you seem so nice and kind so I thought I might ask you about this...

So lately I keep thinking a lot about gender things. Oh and I am a girl (maybe (as in afab)) and until recently I was convinced that I am very comfortable in my gender. And the thing is, I did think about it. I knew about my sexuality since I was a teenager and I remember thinking about my gender on many occasions and always feeling so sure about it and so comfortable in my body. But also... I've always been kinda scrawny (my friends keep joking that oversized clothes make me look like a 14 year old boy) and then someone told me people go through second puberty and I might get bigger hips in the next years and I would hate that. And then I wondered why, is it just the change or would I genuinely be uncomfortable in a more feminine body?

And now I'm wondering, because why would that come up now?? I mean I am in my early twenties now and I've known about my sexuality for years. But I've also kind of ignored that after realizing it for a while whoops. So it might be happening again. Or maybe it's really just a bit of gender envy and not all that serious?

I think I'm just trying to ask you if you think it's possible that I realize some things late? I'm just so unsure lately and I feel like I can't really ask anyone about this...

So yeah, apologies for sending you that paragraph and I hope you have a nice day!!

Alright so first of I want to say that I am in no means an expert at this. I’m not a therapist and I can’t tell you what you are or what you aren’t feeling. But I can speak from my own experience that things like this are by no means tied to a specific period of time in your life. There’s people that are well into their adult years (and i’m talking 60-70) that are still discovering things about themselves

I’ve spend a long time around people who were telling me what I can and cannot be or what i should be. I was "comfortable" in my gender because I was thought that I should be. And until I actually started talking to people who were going through similar things, I didn’t quite understand that it was not the norm feeling this way about yourself.

Again speaking from my own experience because never let anyone tell you what’s right or wrong for you. There is certain things about being afab i embrace and appreciate even. Things i would miss was i born differently. I love having a softer voice, and more feminine features because those are things that make me me.

But then I have cis girl friends who tell me "oh I wish I had your chest" or "you should be grateful you don’t have as little as me" and I just rather die that having this part of my body be perceived at all. I have my top surgery very soon which i’m extremely excited for but why do I have to defend myself for wanting something that’ll make me happier just because people don’t understand the feeling.

Sorry this has become quite personal and rambly somehow but apparently i have many feelings about this and if they can help anyone in any way then that would he the best outcome. I guess what i’m trying to say is try to let go of whatever you think other people want you to be and be kind and gentle with yourself. You don’t HAVE to be anything the only thing you should be is comfortable in your own skin

#i hope this made sense at all #i’m not too good at words especially in english #mail box #again in no way shape or form am i in a position to actually give advise #so take this with a grain of salt

53 notes · View notes

shadowsandsunset · 6 months

Text

I wish nothing but good things for Oliver Stark and Lou Ferrigno Jr.

They gave us such an authentic, gentle, tender experience. I've watched the clip of that kiss several dozen times now.

Oliver, especially, has been amazing in his interviews and social media posts, empathetic and honest and sweet. I don't know his sexuality and I don't speculate in real people's sexualities, but regardless he seems like a true ally. He seems to Get It.

As someone who came out later in life** it really touches my heart what they're doing.

9-1-1 has always seemed to try to do good by their queer characters and I really appreciate that.

Hen and Karen have always been a fantastic and very real feeling example of a wlw relationship.

This show is doing amazing. I wish nothing but good and happy things for the cast and crew who make this happen.

**Under the cut is my coming out/self acceptance story if you're interested.

Tw: repression, self harm, drug use, shitty relationships both familial and romantic.

I tried to come out as a teenager in the early 2000s after I kissed a girl for the first time. It did not go well.

My mother was a complicated woman and she loved me very much, but when I told her I was bi (I prefer pan now but at the time I didn't have that word) she told me it was a phase and that she was disappointed, that she would always love me but that it was wrong in the eyes of God and she couldn't accept it.

Disappointing my mother was worse than her being angry. It felt like my heart was carved out of my chest. I feel like if she had been angry or openly cruel I could have fought back, but her sadness destroyed me. I was 16 then and I continued to live at home until I was 24. I'm in my mid/late 30s now.

So I repressed that part of myself for well over a decade and spent a lot of time depressed and miserable. I self harmed and did A LOT of drugs. I'm clean now except for super occasional weed use. I have a lot of scars from self harm.

My mom died several years ago and it wasn't until after her death that I allowed myself to even think about it, any of it. I was in a relationship with a man for eight years that was loving but he was an alcoholic and I had to walk on eggshells around him because of his mental health struggles; he was emotionally abusive but in a way that was only apparent in hindsight. I thought that my relationship with him was as good as I was going to get. We broke up not long after my mom died.

The only family member I am out to is my older sister, who has been amazing and accepting and loves me completely. Without her support I would be lost.

I have now dated/hooked up with women, men, nb and trans people. I have explored my own gender identity (it's whatever, I don't feel like a woman despite having the female equipment and appearing female in body, I feel pretty masculine but not like a man either, and I don't have strong opinions on pronouns, but I feel like I fail at femininity and masculinity in equal measure so I call myself genderqueer. I don't have any desire to take hormones or have any surgeries, I just want to be a person without having to perform gender).

I live in a conservative small city in the US south and I feel disconnected from the wider queer community. I don't know how to bridge that gap. There is a small queer community here but you can't really be openly out and be safe.

I'll be going to my first pride event this June. I'm excited and terrified because I don't feel like I'm queer enough or The Right Kind of queer, which is such a stupid stress to have, but I don't have many friends to talk about this with and I am hoping to get out there and make some but I'm nervous. I'm socially awkward and kinda weird. I'm also single and trying to mingle, lol.

I like who I am now but it was an incredibly difficult road to get to this place. I'm still on that journey, and maybe I always will be but that's ok. I'm finally myself.

#911 abc #oliver stark #lou ferrigno jr #being queer #coming out #self acceptance #my life

42 notes · View notes

tranzjen · 3 months

Text

🖤💙 4 days until my Surgery 💙🖤

(Picture taken Dec 9th, 2023)

I'm very very excited for my surgery (it's my second gender affirming surgery but this one is more significant to me since it'll be top and bottom surgery) and I'm obviously counting the days until it and I thought some people might be interested in my trans journey 🏳️‍⚧️ So see part 7 below the cut.

Part 1 here

As the summer was ending, I got really lucky! A lesbian hairstylist (who helped organize the drag show I went in the last update) gave my name to this sales lady who sold accounting work to like companies and she needed help with researching CEO and CFO types. And she paid me out of pocket and honestly it was pretty easy internet research using Google. I felt like a little rat scurrying across the Internet 🐀 So, thank you lesbians 🙏🙏

(Picture taken Nov 6th, 2022)

Apparently I really impressed her so she got me hired full time as a sales admin for her company (I wouldn't have gotten with my lack of a college degree without her) and I've had that job since! And a lot of my transition wouldn't be possible without the pay and benefits of this job. Also this is my first job where I get gendered correctly and I'm slowly getting less anxious about going to the bathroom at work 🥰

She honestly mom'd up on me and bought me a bunch of new business casual clothes for the job. And here's an example of one of my new work outfits 😁

(Picture taken Nov 14, 2022)

Bc of the new job I was able to afford a lot more things for transitioning! Like voice training. I remember when I first cracked I tried to just teach myself using videos but I wasn't good at it 😅 Also a friend during the summer of 2022 helped me and I did make some progress with her help. But, I started making a lot more progress once I started seeing a speech therapist. But, there was a barrier since I could tell she hadn't worked too much with trans people. I went to a speech therapist bc it was covered by my insurance but she moved and then I couldn't find anyone for insurance covered speech therapy. So, I eventually just paid for lessons Your Lessons Now. And, honestly it's going a lot better! It's really nice to be able to talk about my frustrations with voice training with another transfem. The biggest thing I'm learning from here is how to break the bad habit of pitching up my voice by squeezing my vocal chords.

(Picture taken Sept 8th, 2023)

I had also switched to injections and I highly recommend it! A friend even made my first two vials into earrings 🔥

I also got a lot lazier with makeup 😅 I do eyeliner wings, mascara, and blush for when I go into the office. Which for a bunch of accountants means I do about as much makeup that is normal for the women in the office 🤷‍♀️

(Pictures taken October 31st and December 2nd of 2022)

These were two notable exceptions. I really love the makeup I did for the Halloween of 2022 bc I decided to go as a ghost-type trainer. And the one on the right is when I learned how to use concealer to cover my 'raccoon eyes' as my dad liked to call them 🦝

Also this would be a good time to mention something I probably should've mentioned earlier 😅 I never learned how to use foundation. I know it's easy but I have a weird mental block around it 🤷‍♀️ But, in the summer of 2021 I started doing twice daily skincare routine for my face. Which took me from a very acne heavy face to people being surprised I'm not wearing foundation. Also the routine is really nice. Would recommend to those who want to get rid of their acne (send an ask if you want to know specifics).

(Picture taken Aug 20, 2023)

Romance update since I've been doing that lol: Well, things ended with all the girlfriends I had so I am down to 1 partner. And I got caught in a romance scam for a few months 😭 However, I can't really complain because I got engaged!!! It was so sweet in cute. My partner and I had this date the night before Valentine's Day under a statue outside of a local art museum. We read sapphic poetry by candle light and then they popped the question 🥰🥰

But, I say another big part of this era was I made a lot more local trans friends. Went to a good amount of house parties which would've surprised pre-transition me! And I really love my community of queer people I've been building 🥺🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️💕

(Picture taken July 21st, 2023)

Oh yeah!! I also started laser hair removal at the beginning of 2021 as well. Which was before this era but time is a lie. But the new job definitely made it easier to afford.

The biggest step for my transition was getting my surgeries set up!! And my FFS (facial feminization surgery) marks the end of this era. Below was the last picture I took before my FFS.

(Picture taken Feb 17th, 2024)

So, in my next update, I'll be showing my post-op pictures once most of the swelling went down. See you tomorrow!! 😁✌️

Next Part Here

#trans journey #trans #girlslikeus #ok to rb #transfem #tranzjen pics #transgender

139 notes · View notes

imalayla · 2 days

Text

Timeline for the archives

Sept 1: broke tarsal, was splinted on the field. Pain was kept managed w gabapentin, rimadyl, trazodone

Sept 2: noticed swelling around top of bandage, did a resplint at home to get us to the vet the next day. Very painful for her but was okay once meds kicked in.

Sept 3: general vet visit, rads were taken and determined broken tarsal bones. Resplinted with questionable support. Added tramadol to the drug cocktail. Noticed that she was in more pain than usual that evening. Started blood supplement.

Sept 6: consult with specialist. Took CT, rads, blood work. Was determined that there were several complex fractures across different bones, most likely needed surgery to heal properly. Was told that they needed the weekend to think things over on how best to proceed. New hard splint that supported her hock better.

Sept 10: specialist called to let me know what they thought their best course of action would be. Applied for financing. Once that was successful we decided to go forward with arthrodesis instead of amputation.

Sept 12: consult for surgery, dropped bubbles off.

Sept 13: surgery day, she recovered from anesthesia well. Stayed at hospital till Monday. Removed tramadol from drug protocol, added antibiotic.

Sept 16: came home, was in some discomfort but was easy to manage with meds. Forgot to do PT

Sept 17: good day! Mostly sleeping, no real discomfort. Forgot to do PT

Sept 18: bandage change. Nothing exciting to report. Black skin over the plate has not increased or decreased. Did a little PT. Obviously uncomfortable that evening, I'm assuming due to bandage change and PT. Started Myos and Dasaquin.

Sept 19: good day, not a lot of discomfort noted. Slept mostly. Tried to do some PT. She doesn't like it. Her sassy personality is coming out a little.

Sept 20: bandage change. Nothing exciting to report. There's vascularization around the edges of the black skin, so the vet is hoping that is a sign new skin is growing underneath the black skin, instead of it actually dying, but there's no way to tell except time. More PT. Bandage change days are always more uncomfortable for her, but managed with meds. Last day of antibiotics.

Sept 21-22: good days, pain is managed, she's becoming more playful and happy which is good but also I have to drug her when she starts being like that because she has to be on STRICT crate rest besides potty walks and PT. Otherwise we could compromise her healing process. Been experimenting with PT to figure out the best way to do it without offending her. I'll eventually record what we are doing. It's just weight shifts right now teaching her that she can use that foot again. She seems to be slowly starting to toe touch/use that foot here and there.

Tomorrow will be bandage change day 🤞

#broke tarsal saga #bubbles

18 notes · View notes

srarlight · 7 days

Text

Just a little status update that mentions some medical stuff under the cut.

This gauntlet of sick dad and emergencies expenses is still ongoing since last year, but I’m happy to say the house is almost sold so they can have that money vs the bank taking it. Now they can settle into a RV or the likes. That’s a small blessing as my dad goes into his surgery today. Probably not going to have a foot when he comes out the other end but I really hope this signals the uptick in healing and not him just perpetually hurt and in the ER off and on forever. Been a wild one! Just felt like checking in again with this space since a lot of the folks who reached out to help by buying art came from tumblr. I’m nearing the end of the commission Que I took on to help off set the costs of the emergency but it all got done at a much slower rate then I liked but it’s been an interesting balancing act of making sure I take the time for thing important to me in this haze of- least you lose the ability to do so forever- vibe. And then also truth be told got a lot of grieving done in there for my folks and their situation which made focusing on art hard.

But I feel like in my bones they might finally catch a break even if they have to live without a proper home to get it. They’ll have shelter and it’ll be a frugal situation but it’s not one where my dad is forced to keep working while severely hurt just because if he stopped they’d immediately get steam rolled by debt and bills. He just got full disability which means he can finally drop 2 out of his three jobs. He’ll probably still do small time freelance stuff but I really just wanted him to not be an absurdly on point metaphor for the working class being grinded to dust despite doing everything right outside of not being born rich, having a human body, and having family with medical needs. It’s crazy how if I had my dads job as a young person with no kids and limited bills I’d be doing phenomenally well, but despite my dad grinding his way into a union electrician job- by the time he got it the family had already dealt with one to many surgeries and near death medical bills for it to help. It’s wild and I hate it. You do everything right and break your body for the companies and your still left with a missing foot and a life where your gonna move in with your elderly mom with your family until you can secure a RV. Bah I could go on forever upset about it but the long and short of it is that I want my parents to get the means to just sit on a porch of some kind and REST. Get a dang break. Maybe that’ll happen soon. Dad says they’ll visit me immediately once he’s better and the thought makes me very weepy in a good way. 🥹

At any rate I’m going to do my darnedest to finish my commission que and then get RGs update out the door which I’ve been chipping away at anyways for a for me mental break. Got like 20 pages sketched and postable if in the end I decide to not color them at all. We shall see I’m still excited for that project so I want to do some lighting at the very least but in the end if I need to post just to get the story out I will!

#life update #amputation #be warned I mention mild medical stuff here but I still do

7 notes · View notes

clatterbane · 1 month

Text

My first real appointment through orthopedics to finally try and get set up with an aftermarket leg is coming up on Monday.

The previous referral last year just didn't work out, for multiple reasons, and I was a bit bummed over that. I think part of the problem was it falling through the cracks because nobody really seems to be sure what to do with somebody showing up from completely outside their system already minus a leg.

But, we thought to ask that new endo for a fresh referral. So, I did get an intake appointment set up through ortho, with no schedule collisions this time.

In one way, I'm excited to hopefully get moving toward with the process of getting set up with a prosthetic. I would really like to be able to get around better again! And, you know, be able to take my sorry ass off paved surfaces and up steps and stuff again!

OTOH, due to the person I am? I am trying not to borrow too much trouble and drive myself crazy worrying in the meantime. Especially the closer that draws.

Frankly, not least that somebody is gonna just say, "Oops, it's been so long and this entire situation does not fit into any familiar procedures. We just can't/won't help you!”

Yeah, I know there is going to be an awful lot of PT ahead, likely before I even get to the point of any fitting. I have some other concerns about that, after some sufficiently unpleasant experiences as a troublesome-bendy individual, with rehab-focused PT after injuries/knee surgeries (directly coming from the probably-EDS) in the past. My knees are also pretty damned terrible, and also kinda further destabilized by said surgical tinkering.

But, I am much older and more confident now--and not nearly as eager to take any "no pain, no gain!" bullshit seriously. Much less push in ill-advised ways until I do my bendy self an injury.

But yeah, even right now? I would place good money if I had it on the likelihood that I am currently in better shape than 75% of the new patients they see much sooner than this after surgery. Who are statistically much older and otherwise in pretty damned bad health. Probably I've been staying more physically active over the past few years than a lot of that demographic have been able to, even under the current circumstances

Mean age at the time of the first registered amputation in our sample was 74 years (SD 14); women were older (78, SD 14, CI 77–79) than men (72, SD 14, CI 72–73). 43% of the patients were 80 years or older by the time of the primary amputation (Figure 3). The mortality rate of the registered patients was 19% within 6 months and 24% within the 1st year after the last registered amputation. The 1-year mortality rate after TFA was 40%, after KD 38%, and after TTA 24%.

("Lucky" transtibial/TTA here. Those figures are from the Swedish national database, BTW. Because there is one. You see dire mortality rates after this sort of surgery come up? That's a lot of why. Those demographics and the occasional nasty accident requiring amputation seriously skew things.)

There were reasons they kept going on about how young and healthy my middle-aged ass that had just barely cheated death was when I was stuck in the hospital in Romford. And therefore considered a candidate for prosthetics at all under that system. Not going off on that rant right now.

Still, the majority of those elderly patients in otherwise not great shape DO get successfully set up on replacement legs here. Which is encouraging, that they are likely not looking hard for excuses to avoid spending the money. (We're talking the equivalent of a new not-cheap car, back in the US. Region Skåne is still set to lay out a fair chunk of change here. We are thankfully not directly.)

I do rationally doubt that I would get turned away just because I have been off that leg for several years now, and my knees were terrible even before that. And I fucking suck at trying to use forearm crutches, which I am not at all used to and have a very different feel than the type I do have too much experience on.

But yeah, my brain just won't leave things alone as usual. That's just one of the crappiest possibilities it's seized onto right now.

#personal #venting #rambling #actuallyocd #medical stuff #amputee #prosthetics

7 notes · View notes

artistfingers · 1 month

Note

Not to sound weird or ask for tmi but as someone struggling to figure out how to get top surgery, do you mind telling about your process on approval/how you went about being able to get top surgery?? It’s okay if you’d rather not get into it btw!

Congrats by the way, I’m excited for you!

ty anon!! and for sure. it's a big process and i was super fortunate to have a lot of support throughout. of course, this is my very specific experience in one state of the USA, so that is all i can speak to here and standard disclaimers apply

the TLDR is just: information, information, information. making sure you know all the coverage requirements for insurance, your hospital, etc, as soon as possible, will help you get ahead of any problems that could arise.

for me, the first step was getting my own insurance. i don't get it thru work, and i'd moved states the year before, so i was no longer properly covered by my parents' insurance.

i did some research and selected an insurance that covered my existing therapist, was accepted at a local gender-friendly Drs clinic recommended by a friend, and had good policies about surgery stays, and doable monthly premiums. and by doable, i mean, it's really expensive but i had some help from family for a while and negotiated for my job to reimburse some of it so. lots to do. and i'm looking forward to reducing to a less expensive one next year hahaha

i'd also recommend is checking if your hospital/surgeons of choice are in your coverage up front, as well as seeing what the insurance requires on their checklist around gender affirming care and surgeries. this might come with things like length of time on hrt, affirmation from a therapist that you are capable of making sound decisions, etc. i didn't check a lot of that coverage and stuff upfront and it gave me a heart attack later ajhsdgfs

in terms of hospitals/surgeons of choice, i was also very fortunate to have a friend recently go through this process. seeing their process and results helped me a lot, especially in making me feel like it was an attainable goal. it also made it an extremely easy choice for me to choose what hospital/surgery center to go to!

anyway, new insurance in hand, i started seeing a new dr and was upfront about my goals around hrt and surgery, even tho they weren't exactly the same almost two years ago as they turned out to be now.

for surgery, i was required to get a letter of support from my therapist, so after discussing with her in more detail, she wrote a letter and my doctor submitted it with a referral to the hospital/surgery center of my choice.

my therapist is not experienced with gender affirming care, so if you're in a similar situation, i'd recommend doing some research about what your letter of support needs to include. my first letter did not meet any of the requirements, which i only found out at my surgery consult.

idk if this applies everywhere, but my letter needed to meet guidelines laid out by WPATH Standards of Care 8 for gender dysphoria IE, diagnosis of gender dysphoria and support for your chosen surgery. additionally, like i mentioned before, your insurance might have its own requirements. my therapist gave me a draft of the 2nd letter and i cross-referenced it with my insurance's list of requirements before submitting it to the hospital.

but rewinding - after the initial referral, it was a waiting game to be called for a consult. when they did call me, it was originally scheduled for 2025, before being moved up to june 2024. i think these timeframes had a lot to do with the demand and back-ups from covid.

i had my consult in june then worked with my therapist for a new letter. once it was ready, i submitted it to the surgery team. i also had a follow-up call with my surgeon. then, i was called for surgery scheduling and my claims were submitted to insurance by the hospital. about a week later, i was notified via mail that insurance had given prior approval for my surgery.

i'd also like to note that once i had my consultation date set, i went about applying for financial aid directly from the hospital. because these surgeries can run $10k+ it was really stressful to not know the kind of bill i'd be looking at, what it would do to my savings, or if my insurance would cover me. every hospital should have its own financial aid office, and i've found the people at mine were super kind and helpful. it was a lot of filling out forms, providing tax info, proof of residency, etc etc etc. i had to provide additional documents at one point and then was finally approved for 65% assistance, which was a huge relief. that means whatever my insurance doesn't cover, i will only be paying 35% out of pocket. this approval came with another list of conditions that can qualify/disqualify you from the hospital's program, so i'd also try to look into those upfront if you can.

aaaaaand then finally!! with the surgery date set, it's just been a lot of logistics and planning. travel, time off work, getting together stuff i'll need for recovery, getting assistance from family, having Big Conversations About Gender With Family.... and now it's So Soon. feels surreal.

so yeah! that was my messy process. half doing research and half being patient. i hope this info is helpful!!

#ask #anon #my life and stuff #top surgery #idk what other tags would be useful tbh ajhdgf but yeah i hope this stuff can be helpful!!#scary world out here but we all got each other 🤝#nonbinary #trans #queer #trans health

15 notes · View notes

reorientation · 8 months

Note

hormone dose girlie here 💕 (also if 💉 isn’t taken, I’d love to claim it)

so, things fell through with the fuck buddy. I say fuck buddy, but i didn’t end up taking his cock. I should’ve been more clear, but I’m still a virgin. just learning how to be used by men so I can be ready when my time comes!! lots of slut training and pussy training and mantras and things. men still do use me for their pleasure (and I love it), just not in the way you’d expect. I don’t think I was thinking properly about how it sounded when I sent it. sorry sir <3

I’ve been focusing a lot on learning to love my pussy, using mirrors and listening to her. what feels “good”. I learned I can cum from vaginal stimulation (to my surprise, thought I couldn’t and was sad about it). I used to think she was ugly, but the more I look and play, the more pretty, puffy, and pink I realize she is. she’s so pretty, all wet and begging to be filled.

being put on denial a handful of times has made me realize what my true purpose is. to be bred. T lowers chances of pregnancy by 70% (according to my doctor), so it isn’t proper birth control. which makes me wonder if I still ovulate because I feel ovulation horny on denial. it’s insane, like I need to be bred immediately for my sanity. and if this is how I am as a virgin, what will I be like when I get a taste? speaking of denial, I am going on denial for two weeks starting next week and I am soooo not ready.

I didn’t end up cancelling my surgery. I can’t bring myself to… I feel like I should be sorry. some men made me play with my titties and it felt so good. but I can’t bring myself to cancel. maybe being bred will make up for it… I don’t want the consequences, but to be filled is something I want most.

I think my problem is getting scared every time a man is serious about fucking me. I back away and isolate myself because I get scared… but I absolutely love being a slut, just have preferred to do it “alone”. how can I fix that 😭 I wanna be a good girl

- 💉

(Previously)

Aww, that's a shame - I was so excited for you. Still, that just means that your first straight cock is in your future, and everything that's happened up until now has been before you took it for the first time. Imagine how much more correctable you'll be once you've experienced that!

It's good that you've been focusing on your pussy - how pretty she is, how she swells and gets ready to be fucked when you think about being bred by real men. And she's already been rewarding you, with you finding a new way to come - just think about how much she'll give to you once you've taken a man's cum and conceived from it. That's what she really wants, after all: it's what all of this is for.

The fertility effects of T are funny. It makes you drippingly, maddeningly desperate to be bred, and it makes bareback sex... safer. Safe-ish. Safe enough that you don't really need to worry, right? So safe that you can take a man's cum over and over and over and maybe not conceive from it. I don't think there's any other form of "birth control" so good at getting girls pregnant.

I think you really just need to reframe some of these things, hormonal little girlie. You haven't taken a man's cock... yet. You haven't cancelled your surgery.... yet. You aren't pregnant... yet. But all of those could easily change, and the only thing stopping you is your own mind.

So why not let your mind soften a little? While you're on denial - assuming it's just orgasm denial, and you're not entirely forbidden from touching yourself - just edge for a while as you think about those things. Let the feelings of fear and reluctance flow through you, and then let them melt away in the pleasure of playing with your pussy. You don't need to make any decisions as you do, just... let yourself dwell in pleasure as you think about making those decisions.

I think you'll find your mind getting soft and pink and open, just like that pretty little pussy of yours, before very long.

#you can have that emoji but I'm also going to keep using the tag for continuity #reor: hormone dose anon #kink interactions #reorientation writing #reor: anon ask #ftm misgendering kink #ftm detransition kink #ftm girl #reor: anon life story #ftm breeding

22 notes · View notes

thebroccolination · 4 months

Text

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thanks to @itsmylifekay and @dimplesandfierceeyes for the tags!

How many works do you have on AO3?

204 👀

Aaand Until We Meet Again is the fandom I've written for most with almost half of those.

What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,036,647 words. \:D/ Which is wild because I write so many short things that I never think of myself as having written that much, but t'would seem writing little amounts in consistent bursts builds up to a lot over time.

What fandom(s) do you write for?

Mainly Thai BL right now, and pretty much the same three pairings in circulation. Sometimes I'll write for a shiny new series, but I consistently come back to WinTeam (Until We Meet Again/Between Us), KongArt (SOTUS), and KawiPi (Be My Favorite).

I've also written for some anime series (Boku no Hero Academia, Yuri on Ice, etc.), Chinese danmei (Guardian, MDZS, etc.), Jpop RPF, and a ton of other fandoms that preceded my Kiranokira account on AO3 (est. 2017).

What are your top five fics by kudos?

These aren't necessarily my best, I just posted them at a good time for a lot of eyes to fall on them.

If It's You | Yuri!!! on Ice | Yuuri/Viktor | Explicit | 16k words — Viktor and Yuuri pose for a sexy magazine.

An Event of Somewhat Clandestine Chaos | Módào Zǔshī | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian, Jiang Yanli/Jin Zixuan, Jin Ling/Lan Sizhui | Teen | 3.6k words — Jiang Yanli's son elopes with another boy.

Who Am I to You? | Until We Meet Again | Win/Team | Teen | 2k words — Team wakes up from minor surgery with a foggy memory and can't believe his luck when he finds out who he's dating.

Win the Friendly, Win the Deadly | Until We Meet Again | Win/Team | Teen | 2.3k words — Win's reputation of cool composure ends when someone messes with Team at a swim meet.

Home Again | Not Me | Sean/White, Black/Gram, Dan/Yok | Teen | 2k words — Another way Black's return could have happened.

More below (including gorgeous WinTeam fanart I commissioned and a YouTube podcast I guested on recently)!

Do you respond to comments?

Yes! I try to do it as often as I can, but sometimes I get distracted, and then I feel terrible about responding late. Believe me, though, I read every one about four seconds after you send it and then spend between five minutes to five years in absolute bliss. I've actually started making a scrapbook of the comments that made me happy for emotionally rainy days.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Sooo, this isn't something on my AO3 account, but I once wrote a fic about a guy who died and he was making his rounds to visit all his friends (who couldn't see him). I couldn't end it completely miserably though, so I killed his boyfriend to reunite them! \o/

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I genuinely have no idea. Despite the horror show I just mentioned, the overwhelming majority of my fics have very happy endings. <3 I'M NICE TO MY CHARACTERS (eventually), DON'T BELIEVE THE RUMORS.

Do you get hate on fics?

Not that I can remember!

Do you write smut?

I sure do! In fact—

What’s your craziest crossover?

What excellent timing for this question. :D

MUSE | Until We Meet Again, SOTUS, Kiss the Series, My Engineer, Theory of Love, Ingredients, etc. | Win/Team, Kongphob/Arthit, Pete/Kao, Sun/Mork, Ram/King, etc. | Explicit | 143k words — Sex worker AU in a parallel futuristic universe where sex work is a decriminalized thing.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I sure have. More than once. Reposted to Wattpad. Was not jazzed.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have! Every time it happens I'm so excited to hear about the process. Most recently, @linlinlong translated MUSE into Russian and was lovely enough to explain multiple points where the languages clashed and where Russian actually benefited a moment better than English!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have! @itsmylifekay has become my multifandom co-writer, as we've co-written WinTeam (1) (2), KongArt, and are soon to start writing a sequel to her incredible Witcher AU KawiPi fic together. :D Our writing styles mesh really well, and we keep each other going off enthusiasm and a similar love for tormenting characters who don't deserve it. <3

All time favorite ship?

WinTeam. It's not even a contest. WinTeam WinTeam WinTeam. <3

[gorgeous commissioned art by @questionartbox for my WinTeam fic "i see your face every time" where Team flies to London in secret to bring Win home. <3]

What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I truly don't want to answer this because I think I could genuinely finish any of them in the right circumstances. I recently started working again on a fic in my drafts that I started back in 2021 and hadn't touched for three years, so y'know. All of them have potential to be finished!

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, humor, coming up with inventive metaphors/imagery. The third thing was a conscious thing I started doing at some point to keep myself interested in what I was writing. Every time I used a common metaphor/simile/comparison, I felt myself getting bored, so I tried to make things up that were just offbeat enough that they still made sense, and then I realized some of them were working better with the character's voice and the story and situation, etc.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Describing settings. I have that aphantasia thing where I can't really envision things. It takes a real effort to see things in my head, and even then, it's not a clear picture. Like if you take the classic "what do you see when you imagine an apple" question, some people see a tree filled with apples in an orchard. I see a red, vague shape of an apple on a black background. So any time I write, my default is emotion and the abstract. It takes a lot of effort to also build a set in the writing.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

It can be used effectively, and I use it myself when there's no proper English equivalent and it adds to the story. Like, in my first two or three Thai BL fics, I didn't use any foreign language words, but the more I understood the social hierarchy in Thailand and how much of an influence suffixes have in WinTeam's relationship, I started using them.

Which fandom was the first you wrote in?

Animorphs. \:D/ (Followed by CATS the Musical.)

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Right now, I think it might be my KongArt fic "Life in Abundance",

Summary: Kongphob's mother has an agenda, and Kongphob can't dissuade her from it. Enter Kongphob's husband.

“She wants a grandchild,” Kongphob says gently. “She has four,” Arthit says. It’s a struggle to sound stern when Kongphob knows the pressure he likes and where he holds the most stress. “She wants a grandchild from me,” Kongphob clarifies. “Right, of course. You’re her favorite.”

With Gatekeeping Kawi as a very close second.

Both fics are about couples navigating their relationships with their parents. The KongArt one is about them trying to gently break it to Kongphob's mother that they don't want children, and the KawiPi one is Pisaeng literally gatekeeping Kawi from his estranged mother to protect him.

One of my favorite things about writing established relationships are all the issues you can explore that have nothing to do with infidelity or jealousy, and parents are a biiig part of that. The other thing is that I have a good relationship with my mother, and a very, very bad relationship with my father, so I have an extra interest in exploring various healthy and unhealthy parental relationships.

Aaaand that's it! This was fun! \:D/

Oh! And I was also a guest on Lovecast's podcast about fanfiction's role in fandom recently, if you'd like to hear me talk very fast and loud about why I love this stuff as much as I do. :')

youtube

#kiranokira fic #fandom talk #fic talk #Youtube

11 notes · View notes