#some people just love to be miserable and want everyone else and all the characters to be too I swear

[dragondream-ing]

I think the people that screech “ASOIAF isn’t Disney/a fairytale” are up there with Dany antis. First of all, they say it to insult other fans, to signal that those fans are unrealistic. It’s reductive, it’s disingenuous, and it’s not even true—I haven’t seen a single take seriously claiming GRRM is writing a pure sugar-sweet story. I don’t know anyone who even WANTS that.

It’s worse because most of these “critics” think ASOIAF is grimdark or a tragedy or something along those lines. They think bittersweet means bitter. And they don’t seem to realize the original versions of the fairytales they hate so much are far closer to grimdark than ASOIAF will ever be lmao

GRRM isn’t some nihilist, and he’s not into tragedy porn. He never has been. He’s actually quite a romantic, even if his romances don’t end with “and they lived happily ever after without ever experiencing a single problem again.” He loves aspirational characters, and not because he wants them to fail. Actions having consequences in his stories isn’t the same as “it’s not worth trying, everything is terrible and nothing will ever be better.”

Here’s an actual example of bittersweet for the hidden prince trope, and it’s •definitely• not loosely based on a very obvious character in ASOIAF:

The enemy is defeated, but the prince loses his sword arm during the battle. Known for his prowess with a blade, he will have to endure living without such a defining aspect of himself for the rest of his life. He may be relieved he has an excuse not to take up arms again, or perhaps he’ll dedicate himself to learning to fight with his non-dominant arm, but he’ll never be the same as he once was.

The prince is devastated by a greater loss; when he lost his arm during the battle, his closest companion sacrificed themself to protect him. He will have to live without their steadying presence and spend many days finding himself unworthy of such a sacrifice. His loved ones will remind him his closest companion would want him to accept the gift and live happily. He’ll know this is true and will try, but he’ll only succeed on some days and fail on the rest.

The prince goes on to rule the kingdom with his queen, but they’re going to have to rebuild a world shattered by war and deal with the trauma of their experiences for the rest of their lives. Not all is lost, however: they have each other to lean on, being two people that understand each others’ suffering and struggles and love each other more deeply because of it. They also have the hope that their children and the generations to follow will live in a better world thanks to their sacrifices.

The end 🥲

When I think of bittersweet, I think of my grandpa. In his mother country, he grew up too poor to own shoes, then went on to be a shoemaker. He joined the military and was kind of a big deal in his impoverished village, but he left because the government was corrupt and he feared for his family’s safety in the long term. He lived his life in America being derided and underestimated, working menial jobs doing the dirty work many people never think about or value, saving every cent he could, and fighting tooth and nail to ensure his kids and grandkids lived in more security than he ever did. He lived across the world from his beloved siblings, never saw them again, and outlived them all. He retired as a janitor and died in the home he loved with his grandkids and wife beside him.

I’m proud to be his granddaughter. He lived an extremely hard life and struggled more than I can comprehend. And I can’t comprehend it because he made sure I wouldn’t have to. He’s the definition of planting trees under whose shade you’ll never sit. THAT is bittersweet. Bittersweet is poignant and painful and beautiful, joyful and tragic and compelling. It is not on the same thematic plane as House of 1000 Corpses.

I’ll say this in conclusion. If you’re running around insulting people with “ASOIAF isn’t Disney,” let me tell you, even Disney is closer to bittersweet than your nihilistic depressing takes will ever be. If you think Snow White can’t be a bittersweet tale, you’re disingenuous. She suffered tremendously (bitter) but never lost hope and was able to find love (sweet). Extend the ending and make it a bit more “realistic” by including some of Snow White’s and the Prince’s struggles and losses, and it would be a perfect example of a bittersweet tale.

[curiouschaosstarlight]

(*Quick clarification, 'cause I feel like I should say this right away, I don't mind people not liking or even being really uncomfortable with certain characters, especially villains that have canonically done some really horrible stuff, even if I happen to really love the character in question! It's all in the Handling of the topic, and someone that's like "oh they're just not my cup of tea" or just don't want to talk about the character at all 1000000% has my respect and appreciation <3)

-claps-

So.

On the topic of demonizing characters that have violent or angry responses to their trauma

The thing about it that really gets my goat is the fact that I as a person have had anger problems ever since I can remember. I've had a pretty bad mix of anxiety and anger problems due to being traumatized, and have had to work really, really hard to get my knee-jerk temper under control, and really nothing fucks you up like thinking you're "fixed" but the reality winds up being you just were in a state of "nothing too stressful's happened lately" and then when things start getting incredibly stressful again, you realize you still have more work to do and you have to watch yourself way more than you thought.

I'm still not "fixed", and, after talking extensively with a therapist, I'm kind of just going to have to be okay with that; still trying to do right by the people I care about and not be an asshole about things, but I'm just going to have to live with the fact that in response to high anxiety and high stress, I become an angry person, and I'm not always going to be able to remember to take a step back from a situation when I feel myself getting heated (my success rate in this is going up at least)

So It Really.

Really.

Bothers Me.

When fandom tries to claim that a character isn't traumatized, or isn't traumatized enough, because their response to that trauma is to be violent and angry and malicious. And when they try to claim that because a character reacted this way, they're just evil and irredeemable and have no further depth to them, and any attempt to add depth (even canonical depth) to them is "wrong (and a sign the person doing it is an Abuser/Terrible Person irl)" or is "woobifying them".

And yeah. Part of what bothers me is that I tend to fall very hard for villain/antagonist characters that handle trauma badly, or otherwise have signs that they probably have some trauma they haven't exactly worked through, especially when that villain character gets to have a redemption arc. (And I do NOT mean that as "they cast away everything they were before and completely denounce and despise who they used to be and go through the whole repent and penance number". Give me more villain characters who are TRYING, who are STRUGGLING, who have conflicted feelings, who aren't an entirely new person and shouldn't be left to just wallow in self-hatred over it because!! no one!! deserves!! to wallow in self-hatred!! I want redemption arcs in the form of "person who did wrong is doing their best to be a better person" and NOT "character needs to suffer and be heartbroken and sad and unable to move on forever", I hate when I see people writing the latter shit, Idc what the character canonically did, no one who's genuinely trying deserves to be perpetually miserable and it is Highkey Concerning to see that attitude happen again and again) Plus, I LOVE media and character analysis, it is MY JAM, and.

Yeah.

I've got a lot of feelings that go into this kinda stuff. It's why when I see "no nuance!! just evil!!!"-type takes, that shit really boils my blood.

And is also why I don't actively participate in fandom anymore.

Like, yeah, I make some posts here and there. And I'd love to interact more with like-minded people -- I really love talking to others about characters and media and ships and all that good stuff!!

But I don't go searching for fandom stuff unless it's some art in a completely different language. After my last two fandoms went absolutely horrifically for me in two different ways, I think my trust in modern fandoms is just gone, and I don't think it's coming back.

There's only so many times a person can be told they're inherently evil (indirectly) or badwrong and stupid (directly) for a simple fucking opinion over goddamn fiction of all things.

[bhaalble]

Back on my Wyll script doctor because I was talking about it with a friend. Specifically imagining a version of Wyll's big Character Choice that felt like it had some actual teeth.

Imagine a world where instead of a cartoon evil hot lady Mizora and Wyll's relationship actually had some complexity to it and like. some genuine push and pull which gives him temptation to stay. I just keep thinking about this 17 year old who his whole life wanted more than anything to be a hero, who got his chance to do something heroic and selfless and save the city from certain doom, and his reward is getting kicked out because he did it the "wrong way".

Imagine if instead of forcing his silence, Mizora instead comforted him. How unbelievably cruel of your father! Well...since you've nowhere else to go, why not stick with me? We make a pretty good team, as it turns out, and I can get you a whole list of monsters who need killing. Plenty of devils and demons loose in your world targetting all sorts of innocents. Our interests can keep aligning, and you get a place to sleep when you need it.

Wyll makes his peace with it, because he has nothing and no one. And Mizora's not GOOD maybe, not by Ulder Ravengard's definition. But she's fun. She delights in his growth. And she does certainly keep direct him at greater evils, devils who really do need killing. And if she spies on his every waking moment, well, she worries. If she sends him after the occasional innocent, well, she had people who she has to answer to as well. She's a devil, how much can he fault her for her nature? She's always seemed like she knew where the line was...

Karlach (and the player) express their doubts, of course, but for act one at least he's defensive. Yes, she punished him and he hates it and its miserable but....he was in breach of contract! She's NEVER gone outside its bounds, she's always stuck very closely to their agreement. Wyll, who wants so badly to trust others and believe everyone has the chance for good, can't find it in him to believe the worst even of a devil.

And Mizora is FOND of Wyll, loves him even in her way. As a cherished pet, as a trusted tool, as a best-laid plan. Never enough to choose his own well-being over her own agenda, never enough to see him as his own person. He's her little project, the long shot noble brat she gambled on when Tiamat decided to get too big for her britches. And it paid off! Wyll always pays off, currying her all the favor from Zariel she so desperately craves. And who are you, or anyone, to come between them? She's treated him well. As she's quick to remind him, she wanted him when no one else did, aided him while the rest of his city slept snug in their beds. And if Ulder Ravengard didn't want a son with a whiff of infernal, then do you REALLY think he'd want you with lovely horns and Avernus in your blood?

You discover his father's been taken. Beyond igniting a lot of old feelings, it brings up a question of succession. Of course, Florrick isnt giving up on him, but if not...there aren't currently any likely candidates to take over the Flaming Fists. Not trustworthy ones. Florrick will take the position, but everyone knows in the back of his mind Ulder never really stopped planning for it to be Wyll. With the city in chaos and a cult army on the rise, they may need an answer sooner rather than later. Wyll feels the call of the Gate, but knows just as well that Mizora wouldn't want him to return in such an official capacity.

For the first time ever the leash starts to chafe in a way he can't keep pushing through.

Act 2 rolls around. Mizora sends up the Warlock signal. After potentially some encouragement from the player, Wyll (NOT THE PLAYER. I DONT KNOW WHY ITS THE PLAYER IN THE GAME ITS WEIRD) hesitantly proposes that maybe, if he does this....they can do a renegotiation of his contract. Not break it, he assures her quickly! Just....reopen the terms, take a looks at the agreement. Maybe discuss an exit ramp? After all....I mean, neither of us truly thought I'd be doing this forever, did we?

Based on Mizora's reaction. Yeah she did.

But fine. She agrees. And Wyll's not mad that it turns out you're rescuing her, not a nameless "operative" for Zariel. He would've done that on his own had she asked. Its the fact that she apparently didn't feel like being honest, that she let him fret and worry about potentially handing Zariel back some runaway for basically no reason. Its the fact that she came here to check in on the cult that abducted his FATHER just to see if Zariel could make any use of them. And its the fact that she seems surprised and annoyed that ANY of this bothers him.

All this builds, of course, to the final confrontation. The basic elements are the same. Mizora outside the coronation (this time needling at Wyll, "I'll be at camp if you're not too high and mighty to consort with the likes of me anymore"), Ulder tadpoled and fighting it. Mizora makes her offer. I can end the contract now, and you're free to go running after daddy (who won't want you btw! not like I do!). You'll lose all your powers, all my aid, all those juicy quests to chase down the greatest monsters in the hells. Take on your father's job and settle in for a life of misery and compromise and only doing as much good as the nobles will let you. Or: pledge yourself to me, eternally. I'll give you a boatload of new powers and eternal life to boot, so long as you serve as my sword and shield.

From there I think three endings branch out, and with it three classes for Wyll. If he stays with Mizora, accepts a relationship where he will never be an equal or a free agent in exchange for the affirmation he wants so badly from his father, he remains a Warlock, with some juiced stats and extra spell slots, along with shiny new gear. If he pledges to follow in his father's footsteps, he instead becomes an Oath of Devotion paladin, pledging himself in service to Tyr, if with a sense of doomed finality. The Blade of Frontiers is officially retired, and along with it any identity he has outside of being his father's son. Or the third path, break the contract without taking his father's role. He will look for his father, yes, but whether or not you find him he's going back to his roots, travelling around to do some good in the world (as the Blade of Frontiers) or kicking ass in the Hells with Karlach (as the Blade of Avernus). In this timeline he becomes a fighter, with a default preference for Eldritch Knight.

What's important: if he breaks his contract then Mizora is NOT hanging around camp. She will leave in a fury, accidentally bound by her own word to withdraw her influence completely if he breaks his contract. She may still approach the player some night to sleep with the player, framed for high approval/romanced players and her trying to take something back from Wyll. But Wyll will have to learn how to define himself without her breathing down his neck, without keeping her happy dominating his every thought. Its nervewracking, and even lonesome at times...but its freedom. And, perhaps, that's worth a little bit of lonesomeness.

[lvlyhao]

『when he's on tour / MARK LEE』

A/N: thoughts on how mark would be as bf when he's away on tour :(

gifs used in this are not mine and they will be removed if requested!!

𝓖𝓮𝓷𝓻𝓮𝓼: fluff (♡), comedy (☼)

𝓦𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼: i swear a bit maybe???

disclaimer: the characters in the story below do not reflect real people or present real facts. this is purely fictional, and you may not copy, change, translate or repost my work in any way. all rights reserved © lvlyhao 2023.

--------

mark is usually pretty clingy with you already, but he turns it up to the max before a tour

being away from you like that is one of the parts about his job he hates the most, and yeah, he knew what he was signing up for since the beginning

but he can’t help but be heartbroken about it every. single. time

the other members know him well enough to give like a 2 weeks notice for him to get his shit together and spend as much time with you as humanly possible??

cus otherwise, he’ll get caught up in rehearsals, schedules and whatever else and then the day before they leave be like

“oh shit”

and if that’s the case we all know mark is gonna be miserable during the whole thing right lmao

yeah mom taeyong isn’t letting that happen

(again)

mark normally sees the time before a tour as an opportunity to check off a LOT of things from your couples bucket list

like, do you have any tv shows you’ve been meaning to watch together? you’re binging it today

you wanted to visit that coffee shop right? get your coat, you’re going rn

you wanted to buy matching bracelets yeah? he’s already got them

and it’s just a very fun, loving time for the both of you

it keeps you busy enough not to spiral about what it’s gonna be like not seeing each other for months

:)

of course, it doesn’t work 100% of the time

especially at night, when mark’s about to fall asleep, the loneliness of not having you around starts to seep in

and it’s like he says goodbye to you in his head before it happens irl

which is 1. sad as heck??? and 2. kinda suffering through it twice, cus he always thinks he’s gonna be more “well prepared” for it this time, and that’s never true

by now it’s probably pretty obvious touring is a very dramatic experience for him right lmao

johnny’s always like “bro it’s just a couple months you’re gonna be f i n e” but for mark it’s,,, not that simple

he’d rather say bye when it’s just the two of you, maybe at your place or somewhere nice

it feels a lot calmer when it’s like that, cus then it’s tight hugs, some kisses and mark saying he promises he’ll text you every day and call you as much as he can

and yeah maybe one of you lets a tear or two fall down but it’s fine

now

if you go with them to the airport

it’s gonna be so much more chaotic like holy crap, trust me, not going is the better option

if for some unknown reason you’re like “no i’ll go with you to catch the plane and we’ll say bye there”

there’s gonna be a lot more crying involved

cus it’s one thing hugging you bye when his flight’s in 6 hours or so, but it’s a whole other thing when everyone’s already boarding and some other member is trying very hard to be gentle but he has to go NOW

it’s all so rushed he can barely even tell you he loves you :(

mainly bc he wanted to keep hugging you until he absolutely had to let you go

oh well

mark is 10000% the type to ask you to put together a playlist for him to listen to during the trip

he can be a bit of an airhead at times but he does his best to keep you updated on how he’s doing, where he is right now, things of the sort

so he tries to text you the moment the plane lands, when they get to the hotel, when he’s eaten

and it’s not even just texts

it’s a cute candid selfie AND a text

now

mark is definitely not the best photographer in nct

but he will try so hard to take good pictures for you

cus all he wants is for you to feel like you’re there with him, seeing all those cool places

having said that, most pictures do turn out to be crappy

but he’s willing to ask for help from another member so it’s all good lmao

(i’m looking at johnny, jaemin or tyong tbh)

sends you a picture of every single dog or cat he sees

absolutely every single one

keeps a clock in your timezone in his phone so he knows the best times to text/call

speaking of calling

i’m sorry to tell you you’re not getting a one on one facetime session with him

it’s just not happening

like it may last 5 minutes tops, but that’s the time it takes for someone to hear your voice/barge into his room and immediately ask to talk to you

haechan, johnny, yukhei and baek do that a lot

but normally the other members follow lmao

it’s 50% to annoy him but 50% bc they genuinely wanna see you

it doesn’t bother you too much cus you know

they’re cute or whatever

he’s not really the type to get small trinkets from every place he goes to bc that’s just ??so much??

instead, he’ll probably get you one really nice gift

like this huge plushie he had to carry around himself on their way back home bc no one had enough space in their bags for it

or a new perfume he thinks you’ll like

i love him your honour

one last thing bc this is already way too long

mark is the KING of backstage pictures and TMI's about the other members

like at this point you have enough blackmail material to torture them for 6 months minimum

and tbh it’s mainly haechan when he’s with dream/127 and jongin with superm lol

but he keeps it varied

you end up with even some derpy jaehyun pics, best case scenario

he’s already making plans on how you are gonna celebrate him being back home

…and it most likely includes building a pillow fort and watching marvel movies but i didn’t tell you that

[sailor-aviator]

Hey.

Go ahead and get settled because this will be...long, in true Liz fashion.

So, by now I'm sure most of you have heard what's happened. If not, you can search this blog for some answers or others for more.

I joined this fandom offiicially at the end of September after being a long time lurker. I had just lost my job and times were uncertain for me. I felt inspired to write, and as someone whose formative years were shaped by the fandom experience, I wanted to feel that sense of belonging again - to feel like a part of a community. I've talked about it on here before, but I started my fandom days in the original Hunger Games fandom when the first movie had just come out, and then I shifted gears towards the SuperWhoLock fandom. If you know anything about SuperWhoLock, then you know you had to have pretty tough fucking skin to be a part of any of it.

Of course, this was back in the day when fandom was an actual community and not authors having to beg for scraps of engagement and people thinking its a numbers game. I was a fairly large blog within the SuperWhoLock community (Waywardly-Carrying-On was the username), but I left fandom for a few years because life got hectic and I felt like I had outgrown the fandom itself as I was no longer watching any of the shows. As the years went on, I started to yearn for the fandom experience again, which is how I found myself dipping toes into several different ones.

I was so excited to publish my first fanfic. I had convinced myself that I wasn't a good writer (much to the chagrin of my irl friends), and I had put a pause on writing my original story. I wanted to write this idea about a cowboy and a girl using characters that I had grown to love like I did way back in my older days. So, I started posting, and I was so excited for the story, that I kept posting almost daily. MamaMay was one of the first people to embrace not only my story, but me as a person into the fandom. She made me feel welcomed and wanted.

Pretty much right off the bat I was already getting anons telling me that I was being too much and that I needed to calm down with all the posting. I was confused because...this is Tumblr. It's literally a blogging website? Why wouldn't I post? I decided to ignore the mean words (not before giving my opinion, of course) and kept on doing my thing. Well, the anons got continually worse and worse. I had a suspiscion as to who the anons could be, but I never had concrete proof. So, I experimented with blocking suspects until finally it worked. I'm not naming names because that's not my style, so don't even bother asking.

The fact of the matter is, some of you have entered fandom spaces for the first time, and you don't know how to act. You don't care to learn fandom etiquette as you've made abundantly clear by calling fandom olds every name under the sun while utilizing the anonymous feature. Newsflash, you're part of the problem. You're the reason why authors don't want to publish anymore. You are the reason that something that's supposed to be fun is starting to feel like a goddamn chore.

How many times can authors on here say that we aren't machines? We have lives outside of this website: family, friends, jobs, school, etc. Some of you really are just hellbent on making everyone around you miserable, and it's sad. You can't just leave well enough alone and let people enjoy something, no you feel like everyone has to enjoy it the same way as you.

Some of you go after authors on here because of some weird sense of jealousy too. I don't know why my shit blew up, babe, I really don't. But I started out with no followers and no support just like everyone else. I'll tell you what helped me though: following fandom etiquette and reaching out to other creators to build an actual community. None of this "I've reblogged three of your things and now I'm messaging you so that you return the favor." No, I reached out to make actual friendships which is what fandom is SUPPOSED to be. If someone was clearly not interested, it was fine!! I backed off and kept doing my own thing.

Some of you think being mean on the internet makes you big and bad. Guess what! It doesn't! It's loser mentality and I feel genuinely sorry for you. I'm sorry that people in your own life made you feel so small as to feel like you had to lash out at strangers on the internet who are just trying to have fun.

Anyway, this is my really long way of saying that I am taking a break for a little bit. I have no idea how long it will be - could be the weekend, could be a couple of weeks, could be forever. I need time to decide if this is something I want to keep persuing. If I come back, I don't know if I will remain a TGM blog or if I'll shift gears and hop into another fandom with a rebrand. Guess we'll just have to see.

To the people on here who have been a constant source of joy, laughter, and support: thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Your presence has meant everything to me, and I hope that my break sees me wanting to come back and giggle about the silly plane movie with you all again.

Nothing but love,

Liz 💛

[domreader-headcannon-scenarios]

It Fucks with me that straight up

Purgatory hall, the new characters and basically people in Mc//ourlives don’t know what Belphie did in chapter 16 and esp in Nightbringer, like we 100% habe trauma and like straight up makes me wanna write angst but I’m Shitty with it and always fuck it up

So I’m just….gonna ramble under cut about it? //spoilers for both games I suppose!

-

So to start, there’s several instances of the brothers (and in one occasion Barbatos and Diavolo separately) get aggressive towards reader and I like imagine they must have some kinda PTSD since they’ve literally died and honestly I self project and I act nothing like Mc…I’d be in fucking tears miserable over the fact I just got warped in the past without anyone but my mentor

Like I cant see my family, friends or PETS for who knows how long???

Just imagine how it would feel….

You’re already living in a worn down old building since the moment you’ve arrived in the past, where else can you go?? The brothers aren’t friendly, you have not a cent to your name, just what’s on your person the second you’re dropped off and left. You WANT to think things will be ok, Solomon is here to help you so at least you’re not alone but…

You will die eventually, what if this takes too long, and you die here? Will anyone from your timeline ever find out?

Would you family know? Your friends?

Solomon keeps reassuring you that it’s fine, but he’s a sorcerer who’s immune to everything…his own stupidity gave him immortality…maybe if you’re unlucky enough he’d make you immortal and you’d…wait till you could see the brothers ‘normally’ again. Well them and everyone else.

As time goes on you ultimately are forced to continue to try to re friend them. Solomon is equal parts helpful as he is a problem, but it all seems to work out.

Until they find out your human. Why does it matter? You never said you were a demon! You TOLD THEM YOU WERE HUMAN. They laughed it off…why is it your fault…your not like them?

Belphegore was the aggressor, just like before. You don’t know if he was going to hurt you and you didn’t want to find out. You saw his hand reaching towards you, almost like they were going for your throat…

Again…

“Not again!”

You screamed as you collapsed on the ground, hand instinctively going to protect your neck. You’re gasping for air even though you haven’t been touched yet, you’re terrified. Is this really it? Is he really going to kill you again? Did you really think…this would end well, Solomon? Diavolo? Barbatos?…Anyone?

Now you are where you are, trembling and in tears on the ground. But you didn’t feel anyone grab you, you did however feel like someone walked in front of you. To your relief, Solomon had come to your rescue…

You wanted to appreciate it, but all you wanted to do was go home now.

You let out a broken sob, you honestly didn’t care anymore if they saw you like this. You have been through hell and back for these idiots and yet, you still love them so much, so much so that all you want to do is see them again, but the version of them you know.

You love them, they are worth it, but why do you have to suffer for it? Your time in the human world after Devildom…nothing bad happened…maybe…you’re the problem?

With your mind spiraling, you don’t even hear everyone shouting, you don’t hear your name, you don’t hear who says it.

All you can do is cry and hope whoever sent you here shows mercy and let’s you go home.

(Ok now it’s done sorry)

[simplykorra]

you know what i need more of? stories about characters with disabilities where the disability isn’t the root of the angst or the center of trauma.

disabilities aren’t monsters to be fought. they’re real life circumstances that millions of people have, live with and thrive despite of every single day.

i’ve been in a wheelchair my entire life. is it hard sometimes? absolutely. did it take me a long time to accept it and be comfortable with it? you bet, but you know what would have made it easier? seeing stories and characters of people like me who weren’t defined by it. who weren’t made to feel like they were something that needed to be fixed or some kind of heavy burden on the people who they loved.

so when i say i want more stories of people with disabilities, it’s less for me (though i would enjoy them greatly) and more for the people out there still struggling to come to grips with whatever they happen to be dealing with.

they shouldn’t have to see stories where characters like them are viewed as a dull, lackluster, and endlessly miserable people whose loved ones feel trapped by the weight of their burden.

that’s the kind of approach that makes people with disabilities feel like they're worthless and unlovable.

representation matters, i hear it all the time and believe in it wholeheartedly, this is no different.

let your disabled characters be characters. let them find joy and happiness and normalcy in their own way. let their disability be a character trait, not a demon forever leering over their shoulder.

people with disabilities are just that, people, and we want to live our lives and find the joy in it just like everyone else. the things that make us different aren’t a villain that needs to be slain, they’re simply a part of who we are. let’s embrace that <3

[ystrike1]

Dear Villainous Husband , the One You’re Obsessed with is Over There - By Menanic (8/10)

Can the most miserable couple of all time be saved by an adaptation with nice art? Maybe. I hate the original novel this comic is based on. The ending isn't worth the trouble, but the webtoon version is more promising.

Angie and Ran.

I will be using their pet names, because yes, these two characters are a couple. Ran is a complete sociopath towards his wife until she manipulates him into keeping her alive. They are a match made in hell.

Ran is supposed to fall obsessively in love with a religious, pure, gorgeous woman named Seraphina. Seraphina is supposed to kill him, and take his country, after he kills her knightly true love.

Ran is the villain.

Angie was supposed to die unloved. Ran was supposed to kill her. When he chose to kidnap the lovely Serephina his legal wife was...ahem...in the way.

Ran killed his own father. He killed his siblings. He was supposed to do it. He leads an evil country. One obsessed with war and power. Even the maids love to fight. It's a military nation to the core. Angie really didn't fit in next to Ran, in the first timeline. She was a weak and whiny woman, who couldn't handle the pressure.

Now Angie knows she was chosen at random. Ran threw a knife at a wall of bridal portraits. That was how she was chosen. She has no more illusions about love...

...

..

And she's a reincarnated Korean lady but I swear it doesn't matter and the story is still enjoyable.

New Angie decides to entertain her husband. She doesn't seek his love. She doesn't want to tame him. She wants him to lust over Serephina. She plans to flee in winter, when that destined meeting happens. She believes Ran won't bother to hunt her down, when he is occupied by love.

Her plan works too well.

She figures out that a Marquis and his mother are against her. Some people are upset because Ran married a foreign woman, instead of a good strong woman of war.

Angie figures them out, and she makes a gamble while she bows before her crazed husband.

She proves herself.

She becomes the crazy, cruel wife he desires. Just to stay alive.

She proposes a human hunt.

She says she will train with a bow, and hunt the Marquis, after he tries to stain her honor. Coincidentally the Marquis wants the king to marry his sister...so he's gotta go. Angie really has no choice, but her will to kill is there under all that pink.

She changes.

She starts to act spoiled around Ran.

He seeks her out for dates...and training.

He wants to watch her kill.

I think molding her into the perfect killer and Empress is kind of his fetish actually. In the original timeline he wanted to ruin Serephina.

He's happy now because Angie wants to be ruined. She has convinced him that she's willing to sacrifice herself to be a good ruler. He doesn't know her ultimate goal is running away.

He's impressed.

He likes her.

He stops choking her, and she no longer has to bow for him.

(Yes, this is a horror story.)

Ran drugs her, to show his adoration.

He builds the perfect hunting ground, where she can practice with her bow.

The drug is a special type of magical steroid. It dulls empathy in the user, and it temporarily makes the body strong.

The Marquis dies in front of his mothers corpse.

Angie did not consent by the way, and she grapples with what she did while drugged for a long time.

But.

It gets her love.

When she kills her enemies she earns the respect she needed. The nobles love her now. They love blood.

Ran loves her too.

He's so ready to have a partner like him.

A sweet villain, who is cruel to everyone else. He actually likes it when she's cute with him, as long as her cruel duties continue to be fulfilled.

She slowly becomes his perfect woman.

When Serephina does appear she doesn't matter.

Angie is the closest thing Ran has to a functional relationship. He doesn’t need a prisoner to obsess over. It kinda seems like he wants to work on his personality to make Angie comfortable too.

It's weird.

He's an actual crazy asshole, but the plot is not boring.

The human hunt???

Nuts. I didn’t even include all the details.

[hyperray]

Making God a villain in Hazbin Hotel is a very bad idea

To explain why I think would be bad we must first analyse what Hazbin Hotel is. It's a show where Princess Charlie, the daughter of Lucifer and potential heir to rule Hell, is tired of all the needless bloodshet and suffering in Hell and wants to change things by motivating to become better, by having the Hazbin Hotel build in the promise that Heaven would take them back in. And then there is everyone else, all the other demons so far don't give two shits and have either accepted the stagnating painful system of Hell and how people generally are, or even revel in it and don't see the point of giving all that up, as well that the road to redemption is a very long and difficult process and that if multiple people aren't doing it too, you might just get bullied or even killed by the general masses. Vaggie supports Charlie's endevour, but I don't think she truly believes in it either and is just in because she loves Charlie as a person, which is fair. Now imagine if God, the supposed creator of everything and Heaven which is supposed to be the realm of purity and moral goodness, turns out to be some jackass who does things because he wants to be amused and fuel his own ego. That would destroy the entire core premise, the foundation on which the idea of Hazbin Hotel stood on, as not only would it in-universe make everything seem pointless and hopeless, but it would justify the bad guy's behaivor as all the crimes they commit wouldn't matter at the end and seem right to spite God. We want to see the characters grow, change, develope, and see how they surpass their stagnating secon natures by making the hard decitions to overcome what's causing them to be so miserable, but if God was evil, then the moral decitions and teachings would all go right down the toilet. Wouldn't it mean that the best version of themselfes is worse than their worst versions? They might do an endgame plot where they banish or kill God and they still look hopefuly and remain their moral goodness, but it would be such a massive whiplash compared to the messages the show wanted to make at the beginning, it would be like watching an entirely new show, even worse if there's more fanservice and filler and then having to rush the main story (caugh caugh Helluva Boss caugh) What do you think?

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

I absolutely adore the (thinly-veiled) story in "Fortnight" because as I said on album release day, it's like "ivy" but in the suburbs.

I love the conceit of some sort of sanitized, suburban wasteland being a veneer for the seedy underbelly of these unhappy couples, acting out their secret fantasies as a cover for how unsatisfying their pristine lives are. It feels so "Desperate Housewives" turned on its head.

The narrator is drinking away her troubles, but nobody notices because everyone else is just as miserable and doing the same thing. (Or don't care.) The love interest moves in to the house behind hers, captivating her across the fence line. His wife upkeeps the perfect suburban duties, tending to her garden, and it drives the narrator crazy because her own home is in shambles on the inside. How dare she make something so beautiful that hides something so ugly? How dare she be happy when she has the one thing the narrator thinks she wants?

The would-be lovers circle each other, make pleasantries like good neighbours always do, sublimating their desires for each other over idle chit chat, which only highlights how that spark has gone out with her husband. And the image of their presumed perfect marriage to their neighbours is also a lie, because while she's feeding these fantasies about the other man in her mind, her husband is openly unfaithful. And the fuck of it all is that she knows and she isn't doing anything about it. The implied reading of "my husband is cheating, I want to kill him," to me is that this is an ongoing affair, but she's just put up with it, letting the resentment build but continuing to play the role of dutiful wife. (After all, good wives always know.)

The story is suburban gothic. The pressures of up keeping the day to day of the British? American dream do nothing but kill the spirit of the people inside them when they can't admit that it's wrong. The call is coming from inside the house: the danger isn't from some monster lurking in the shadows invading their neighbourhood, but quite literally in their own backyards. The only options are to stay stuck in the mundane reality of day to day in this sterile cage, or to break free and escape to Florida, the bastion of evading the law and lovers and time. You can buy the car (or the house or the boat or whatever), but it won't fill the hole inside you if you can't admit what's wrong and follow through.

I could soooooo see this playing out as a movie or TV show and I freaking love it. (I mean, it already has, it's a whole genre lol.) There's the whole ~real life~ situation filtering through these characters, being used as a cautionary tale that would probably veer a shade too far into speculation for another post. But I do love me some storytelling about the dark side of suburbia as a foil to people's darker impulses and psychological breakdowns.

[tojisbbg]

❈ 𝗹𝗲𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗸 𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻 ❈

❝one day i will stop falling in love with you, some day, someone will like me like i like you.❞

♡ manjiro sano ♡

a/n: current mood - wanting to breaking people’s hearts 😈 (sorry mikey stans)

content: mikey x reader (y/n), very heavy angst, right person wrong time, you’re mikey’s childhood friend, he’s getting married (lolz), not grammatically checked/edited

...

you finished adding the final touches to your makeup, a heavy sigh leaving your lips as you checked in the mirror if your concealer hid your puffy eyes well. some would say that whatever you were going through was tragic, a scenario that you would read about in romance novels where the main character is destined to a miserable fate.

and perhaps that was right.

you’ve been feeling miserable, sad and pathetic for the last month and a half since you’ve received the invitation. a piece of paper that felt like a sharp knife slicing your heart in half.

what was worse was that you couldn’t even find it in your heart to throw away the card. it was beautifully decorated with happy pastel colors and confetti, printed on expensive card stock, pop-up designs and a photo of him with the girl that was supposed to be you.

it was your childhood friend’s wedding, except for the catch that you’ve been holding in a burdening crush on him for the last twenty years. he was your person and you were his, being there for each other through thick and thin.

you both created a world where it was just the two of you while everyone else became a blur, a bunch of white noise. he was the invincible mikey and you were his key.

you couldn’t help but wonder, when did things change so fast? how did the perfect world you both created become nothing but dust?

---

(17 years ago)

“how is she, doc?” the young boy with a dragon tatted on his skull asked curiously as he stared at his friend, well practically family, in concern. 

“it was just an upset stomach, little man. we gave your sister some antibiotics to fight off those nasty little germs that’s been bothering her. she’ll be good in a few days. you sure you don’t have a parent or older family member we can contact?” the doctor asked, cocking an eyebrow as he held the pen in his hand eagerly, hoping the blonde boy would say something to him. 

“we’re orphans and she’s not my real sister. we have someone that’s been taking care of us for all these years and he’ll come by shortly.” he murmured, shame painting his face as his gaze went down to the floor. 

the doctor looked at him with sorrow, patting his head. 

“hang tight, buddy. keep her company, but don’t make her laugh too much or else it might make her cry.” he tried to create humor and it successfully made the frowning by crack a crooked smile. 

“yes, sir!” the little boy playfully saluted as he watched the man in the white coat walk away with a chuckle. 

“ken?” his ears rang up when hearing your faint call of his name, a small whimper following after. 

“y/n! are you hurting anywhere? should i call the doctor back? uncle’s gonna be here soon with remi. i told them to bring your favorite chocolate pudding.” draken gave you a cheeky grin, his hand now holding yours tightly. 

“you know me so well, sometimes i forget that i’m an orphan.” you laughed quietly, trying to not put strain on your stomach. 

“you’re not an orphan, y/n. you got me, uncle, remi and the other girls too. we’re one big happy family.” he persisted, eyebrows furrowing as he tried his best to convince you to believe his point. 

“you told the doctor that i’m not your sister, ken.” you whispered, your throat becoming dry as the words left your mouth. draken fell silent for a few seconds before sighing, laying his head besides your hand. 

“i told him that you’re not my real sister, y/n. there’s a difference. i don’t care what the law says because my heart says otherwise. you’ll always be the sister that i’ve always dreamed of having.” his eyes twinkled, a hand coming up to ruffle your hair. 

“so i heard one of my little girls was sick? maybe some chocolate pudding will make those little bad guys in your stomach go away.” your uncle’s voice boomed in your ward, a small smile plastered on his face as he shook the white plastic bag.

your eyes glimmered in content before you were pulled into a bear hug by remi. the girl sobbed on your shoulder, wetting it with tears and snot as she roared by your ears. 

“y/nnnn!!!! i thought you were gonna die when kenny told uncle! i love you, y/n, don’t leave ever me. ever.” she hiccuped between every word as your uncle and draken tried to console her and calm her down. 

“it was a stomach bug, remi. i’ll be better in a few days.” you tried to cheer her up. she raised her head, looking at you in doubt. 

“promise?” remi sniffled. 

“promise, you know i’d never lie to you.” you wiped away her tears before hugging her once more. 

your uncle handed the three of you the small containers of chocolate pudding. 

“why don’t you three take a walk outside, i’ll have this really nice nurse walk you guys. it’s good to get some fresh air.” the doctor said, patting your back and you all agreed, soon leaving the room. 

you happily skipped through the hallway, one pudding container in your pocket, while the other one was tightly secured in your hand as you ate it. 

“let’s play hide and seek, you’re the seeker ken!” you quickly blurted out, not giving either of them a choice before running off to the other direction. you faintly heard draken groan in annoyance, being tired of always being the seeker but he’d always do it for you. 

you saw a pretty quiet hallway and decided to turn to that corner, only to find a small quiet room. you figured that it wouldn’t be too much of a trouble to hide in here for a few minutes

you opened the door, nearly having a heart attack from the sudden appearance of another person. it was a boy with short blonde hair, he was huddled up into a ball, quietly whimpering and crying. 

“hey, kid.” you called out to him, only to not receive a response. a heavy sigh left your lips as you walked over to him, sitting on the floor besides him. the boy looked up at you, eyes all puffy and his nose red. 

he’s pretty cute.

“look, i’m really bad at comforting people. but, when i’m super sad, i eat chocolate pudding to make me happy again.” you said with a grin, digging in your pocket to get your other container out. 

you grabbed his hand and opened his palm before placing the treat in it. he stared at it in momentary silence. 

“who are you?” he finally spoke, looking at you with slight confusion. 

“just a stranger who’s hiding from her siblings in an intense game of hide and seek. what about you?” you chuckled, scooping another bite into your mouth. 

“i’m.. i don’t know.” he said with a shaky breath, shaking his head. 

“that’s fine, we don’t always know the answer to everything. ken is really mean sometimes, he’s a year older than me and asked me what 345 times 82 is. i could bet you my whole stash of chocolate pudding that he doesn’t know himself. tch, smart my ass.” you scoffed, earning a small giggle from your side. you side eyed him, seeing him detach the small spoon from the plastic lid before opening it. 

“what’s your name?” he asked you, eyes anticipating for an answer. 

“y/n. you?” you continued to inhale your treat as you waited for him to respond. 

“mikey.” the blonde boy scooped in a hefty amount into his mouth as he consumed the sweet dessert. 

“why were you crying, mikey?” you asked, not realizing how insensitive you were being. 

“it’s personal.” mikey shortly dismissed, but you were a little slow to understand and continued to persist until he caved in. 

“it’s just me and you in here. think of it as a bubble with just us, nothing comes in or goes out of this bubble.” you assured him, patting his back. 

for some strange reason, mikey felt like he could tell you anything from how comfortable you made him feel. considering the fact that he didn’t want to show any kind of reaction or emotion towards his family, he decided to seek that comfort and release in you. 

“my mother just died, about an hour ago.” he bluntly dropped the bomb, placing a very awkward and tense atmosphere between you both. 

“you’ll get over it, mikey.” you calmly answered, making his brows furrow with annoyance and slight anger. 

“how could you say that to me? my mother just died.” mikey said in disbelief, his tone heightening a little. 

“i’m telling you the truth. i’m sorry that this happened to you, especially at such a young age, but it’ll all pass and soon, today will just be one of your many bad memories. you’ll find peace and love one day and heal, mikey. that’s life.” you defended your previous statement, looking into his eyes with a gentle look. 

“and how do you know that? you’re just some ten-year-old weirdo that walked in on me.” he mumbled under his breath, making you giggle. 

“i’m an orphan, mikey. i don’t even know what my parents look like or if i even have any to begin with. not even any knowledge on if i have sibling or not. ken and remi aren’t my real siblings, just people i grew up with.” you shrugged, making the blonde boy thin his lips. 

“i’m sorry.” he apologized, his gaze lowering to meet his shoes. 

“it’s not your fault. there’s too much love in this world to be consumed by regret or grief. i’m not saying that you shouldn’t grieve, but you have to pick yourself up and continue with the rest of your life eventually. it’s what your mom would’ve wanted, mikey.” you ruffled his hair as his eyes shimmered with hope. 

“thanks, i’ll try. also, promise me that you won’t tell anyone about me crying.” mikey gave you a embarrassed look, holding up his pinky. 

“i promise.” you intertwined yours with his.

suddenly, the door flew open, which startled the both of you. 

“found you!”

---

“i’m really sorry, sir.” the doctor heavily sighed, trying to pat your uncle’s back as the man sobbed in his palms. 

“how bad is it? please, tell me she has time! she’s only ten, i want to be able to walk her down the aisle one day.” your uncle begged, choking between every word and cry. 

“the tumor in right in the middle of her brain, wrapping around each and every blood vessel. it’s to aggressive for us to remove it, i’m sorry once again, but it’s inoperable. she’ll bleed out before we can even remove a centimeter of it. with proper treatment and medications, we’re looking at maybe ten more years.” the doctor replied, making your uncle rub his temples in worry. 

“uncle!! meet my new friend, mikey! they live on the next block from our house.” you vibrant voice broke the depressing atmosphere. your uncle quickly wiped away his tears, giving you all a smile. 

“hey, i remember you! you were in s.s motors with shinichiro.” your uncle patted mikey’s head. 

“he’s my big brother.” mikey answered. 

“i see, why don’t you come and have lunch with us. we’re going out for burgers, i’ll text your brother that you’re with us.” your uncle suggested, making the small blonde boy nod his head.

and just like that, the both of you became inseparable. 

---

high school came around and you were the only thing that was piecing manjiro sano, or rather the invincible mikey, together. he formed a gang and that included your brother in it as well. you all were a pretty tight group to say the least, yet no one could truly understand him better than you could.

not even his right-hand men such as draken or sanzu. 

“i think i’m gonna disband toman and move away for some time, you now escape life for a little.” he sighed, opening the lid of the chocolate pudding before handing it to you.

“where’s yours?” you asked, confused as to why he only got one. 

“didn’t want one.” he shrugged, digging in his pocket before pulling out a box of cigarettes. he plucked one of the cancer sticks out, planting it in between his lips before lighting it. 

you watched him in disappointment, as he inhaled the smoke before coughing it out, eyes becoming watery as you scoffed. 

“dumbass, give me that.” you grabbed the stick before throwing it on the ground, stepping on it. 

“and that.” you grabbed the pack out of his hands before tossing it into the trash. 

“y/n.” mikey called out. 

“no, i’m really mad at you. i can’t believe you, mikey. pull that type of shit again and i’ll bury you, i swear. no girl would ever want to kiss you with a mouth like that.” you scoffed, flicking his forehead as he winced in pain. 

“not even you?” he teased. 

“i’d rather kiss a roach.” you playfully punched his bicep, earning a small laugh from him. 

“they only had one pudding left, so i didn’t get one for myself.” he explained himself. 

“we could always share, idiot. say ah.” you ordered, scooping a hefty amount of pudding before placing the spoon near his lips. he opened his mouth, eating it with content. 

“see, much better than cigarettes. but i was being serious, mikey, i don’t wanna see those near your lips or reach ever again. swear on my life?” you glared at him, making him choke. 

“hey! why are you giving me such a harsh swear??” he cleared his throat. 

“so you’re saying you’ll lie and do it behind my back?!” you yelled, making him quickly shake his head. 

“no, no, no! that’s not what i meant. i’m just saying that isn’t it such a big swear for something so stupid?” mikey tried to reason. 

“your health is not stupid, mikey. don’t push my buttons and swear already.” you rolled your eyes, making him sigh. 

“fine, i swear.” he said in defeat, stealing the reamining of your pudding to eat. 

“hm, good. oh, going back to what you were saying earlier, why so suddenly?” you questioned, backtracking to the previous conversation before you both got out of topic. 

“i don’t know, i feel like i’m bringing in my toxic energy in and engulfing everyone. maybe i should just let it all go and step back, you know? even you need a break from me to be honest.” he bitterly laughed. you kissed your teeth before grabbing a hold of his face, turning it to face you as you stared sternly at him. 

“mikey, i’m not going anywhere. what i promised you seven years will never break, even after we die. our souls are one, and i can’t leave my other half. so, let me run away with you. wherever you want, i’ll follow right behind you.” you gave him a soft smile, caressing his cheeks lovingly. his expression grew softer, tears welling in his eyes as he buried his face in your chest. you wrapped your arms around him, kissing the top of his head. 

it’s been rough on him, especially after losing shinichiro too in an accident. mikey’s been in a really dark place for a few months, shit, even scary if you were honest. he was snappy, rude, all dark and twisty. yet, you never gave up on him. 

because you knew that at the end of the day, he was still the same small boy you found in that closet crying to himself. 

“y/n, promise me something.” mikey sniffled, pulling away as he looked up at you, eyes holding so much vulnerability. 

“i promised my entire life to you, what more should i promise?”you joked, wiping away his tears with the pads of your thumb. 

“if we don’t find someone by the age of thirty, let’s get married. i’d rather spend the rest of my life with you than all alone.” he offered, a boyish smile dancing on his lips as your heart fluttered. 

you could’ve sworn that it skipped a few beats, making it suddenly harder to breathe as your cheeks grew warm. 

“stop fucking around with me, sano. it’s not funny.” you warned him, but his expression remained the same. 

“you’re being deadass?” your eyes grew wide and he hummed in response. 

“so, are you in or not?” the blonde boy cocked an eyebrow as he held out his pinkie, making you chuckle. 

“jeez, it seems like you’re making a life or death contract with me. yes, i’m in.” you answered, intertwining your pinkie with his. 

and to think that what you’ve been dreaming of for years were to come true would become only a nightmare. 

it’s not until emma’s death where mikey completely disappeared, not answering anyones calls or even yours. you spent days trying to look for him all over the city and even begging koko to somehow track his number or something. 

but every effort went in vain. 

you cried for months, refusing to eat and giving up on the sweet treat that only reminded you of him. you had nightmares every night, and the only thought that circled your mind was that he was dead. 

he was really gone. 

until after nearly nine years, he came back. not alone, but accompanied with another person. 

a girl, his girl, to be precise. 

mikey went to the philippines for those years, returning with a completely new get up that would make it hard for anyone to guess that it was him. his beautiful blonde locks were now cut short with an undercut, dyed black. 

you remembered the first day where he showed up at your doorsteps, your knees turned into jelly as you almost collapsed to the group if he didn’t catch you in time. you cried in his arms for so long, cursing and punching him from pain and anger as he whispered thousands of apologies to you. 

you were happy, so fucking happy to see that he was alive. it put your mind and heart to peace, until you saw her walk out of the car.  

“this is my girlfriend, y/n. we met a few years back and she’s just amazing, you know. i wanted you to meet the most important person of my life first since you’re my best friend.” he mischievously giggled, snaking an arm around her waist. 

your throat became dry, heart shattering into a billion pieces as each word leaving his lips was like knives jabbing at your heart. it bled, threatening to leak out of your eyes. yet, you held back, trying your hardest to fake a realistic smile to keep your cool. 

“nice to meet you.” you shook her hand. 

“the pleasure’s all mine, mikey’s told me a lot about you.” she said, making you awkwardly laugh.

“oh, i see.” you dryly replied, clearing your throat. 

“these are for you by the way, it’s a recipe that’s really sacred to my family. i hope you enjoy.” she smiled, handing you a box of what seemed like cookies. 

fuck, i can’t even bring myself to hate her. 

“thank you, that’s really sweet of you. uh, you both should stay over for lunch.” you offered, secretly praying that they refuse. 

“sorry, y/n, i gotta get my bike inspected by ken-chin. next time, yeah?” he ruffled your hair, as you managed to let out a small hum. you waved them goodbye before entering your house, locking the door behind you. 

you fell on your knees, letting out all the tears that you’ve been holding in. your cry was ugly, gut-wrenching and painful as it stole all the oxygen from your lungs and made you gag and choke. 

it felt like someone died, well, it was sort of like that. 

mikey was no longer yours, he was somebody’s else’s. you were all alone now. 

you’re the other woman. 

you probably shed a gallon of tears by now, trying your best to turn off the water tap glued on your eyes. but, the image of him snaking his arm around her waist never left your mind. 

you glanced at the box of cookies on the floor, opening the lid to grab one and take a bite. 

“fuck, they taste delicious too.” you cried, throwing it back in the box as you decided that it’ll be best to call out of work sick for tomorrow. 

---

the day has finally come, where you have to let him go. he was no longer yours, those days will never come back, now only a happy memory that you can confide to for comfort. 

“y/n, you don’t have to do this.” draken sighed, placing a hand on your shoulder but you shook your head, determined to attend that damn wedding. 

“i have to, ken. he’s my best friend, i can do at least this much for him.” you answered, fixing up the green dress that you wore before putting on your earrings. 

“be selfish for once, y/n! i know that you love him, alright? i’ve been living with you since diapers, i know you like the back of my hand. you can lie to anyone but me, i know that you’re not okay. which is why i’m telling you that you don’t have to do this. i’ll tell him that you’re sick or something.” draken’s eyes softened, his expresison growing sad as he looked at your pained expression. you were smiling at him, yet he knew the thousands of thoughts and words that littered your mind. 

“ken, i know. the only way i could give myself closure is by seeing it happen, in front of my eyes. i want my last memory of him to be happy and clear, so that when i think of him, i don’t feel pain or misery. if he’s happy then i’m happy because we are each others halves and no one can take that spot. besides, his fiance is so nice, i can’t even bring myself to hate her. he’ll be fine, i know he will.” you explained, grabbing drakens hands as you gave it a tight squeeze, looking up at the tall man that stood before you. 

he bit his lips to contain himself from arguing back, caressing your cheeks before letting out a sigh. he nodded his head, deciding to butt-out of your business. 

“okay, whatever makes you happy.” he said and you hummed in response before getting up to slip on your heels. 

“let’s go, we have a wedding to go to.” you smiled at him, slipped your arm in his as you guys walked out of your house. 

the drive to the church was short as it was the same one where hina and takemichi got married. you entered the ladies room where all the bridesmaids were getting dressed up as they all waited for you since you were the maid of honor. 

“y/n, you’re here! god, you look gorgeous, maybe i should ditch mikey and marry you instead.” she joked, pulling you into a hug as you chuckled, patting her back. 

“you look even prettier. damn, mikey caught a good one i gotta say.” you answered looking at her with eyes full of nothing but adoration. 

she was sweet and understanding, a perfect wife for mikey. he deserved this, after being through hell and back, he deserved happiness and peace. 

and you were willing to do anything to give him that, even if it meant to go to the ends of the earth and come back. 

“it’s almost time! come on ladies, get in position.” one of the bridesmaids announced.

“i’ll see you at the aisle.” you rubbed her shoulder as she hummed, then taking your leave as you entered the wedding hall. you walked up where the priest stood, mikey standing right across you. 

his eyes widened when he saw you, walking up to you without hesitation. he pulled you into a tight hug before pulling away with a smile. 

“you look absolutely beautiful, y/n, as always. i’m so happy that you’re here, i was honestly so nervous, but after seeing you, i got my courage back.” he honestly said, making it hard for you to form words to respond to him. 

“better not chicken out sano, i raised you better than that.” you playfully scolded him. 

“yes ma’am!” he jokingly saluted, making you both laugh. 

“mr. sano, please stand in position, the bride will enter in a few minutes.” the priest interrupted. 

“sorry. i’ll talk to you after the ceremony, okay?” he held your hands, giving it a tight squeeze and you swore that if he was just a hair more closer, you would’ve broken down into tears. 

“yeah, yeah, of course. go get married, sano.” you teased, making him blush as he walked back to his original position. you stood with one ring while draken stood with the other, the taller glancing at you frequently to check if you’re okay and you’d discreetly try to nod and give him the signal that you’re fine.

the music began to play and the doors opened, revealing mikey’s soon to be wife, now walking in with her father. a huge smile or her face as you looked over at mikey, only to catch him staring at you before averting his gaze to his wife. 

she walked up the steps, now standing besides you as she turned to look at her soon to be husband. the priest began to read the wedding vows and it was soon time to exchange rings. the beautiful diamond ring glimmered under your eyes and you couldn’t help but wished it was for you. 

it fit perfectly, like it was made for you and you knew that because you accompanied mikey when he went ring shopping. it was unfortunate to know that his fiance’s ring size was the same as you, so you helped him pick and size it. you remember not being able to take your eyes off of it as soon as he slipped it onto your finger. you felt chills as his skin touched yours, but now, it was reality; only not yours but hers. 

“do you, _____, take manjiro sano as your wedded husband, to cherish in love and in friendship, in sickness and in health, in success and in disappointment, to love him faithfully, today, tomorrow, and for as long as the two of you shall live?” the priest asked, and without hesitation⸻

“i do.” she said with the brightest smile, giving him the most lovesick eyes known to mankind. 

“do you, manjiro sano, take _____ as your wedded wife, to cherish in love and in friendship, in sickness and in health, in success and in disappointment, to love him faithfully, today, tomorrow, and for as long as the two of you shall live?” he now asked the groom, and to your surpise, mikey’s eyes were only focused on you. 

please, say no, mikey. say no! you’re mine and i’m yours, it always been like that. please, say no.

your mind screamed and your heart bled, hoping for some miracle to change the events to bring it in your favors. but to your disappointment, none of that happened. he gave you a small smile before glancing at his bride. 

“i do.” mikey said and the priest suddenly glanced at everyone in the room. 

“any objections?” he loudly asked, as a moment of silence fell in the whole room. 

me! i object. this wedding shouldn’t be happening, not even in a million years. that should be me in that dress and ring, not her. i don’t want to be the other woman.

“that’s a no then. i now pronounce you husband and wife. you may kiss the bride.” and with that being said, you averted your gaze to the bouquet of flowers as the crowd roared with cheers while they both kissed. 

a few tears slipped from your eyes but you managed to quickly wipe them away, praying that nobody saw them. to which nobody did, except for draken as the man look at you with nothing but an aching heart to see you this heartbroken. 

the after party was great, from the table of stories and lunch too. the cake was amazing as well, coming from the bakery that you and mikey often went to for study dates during your teen years. 

“y/n! there you are, i’ve been looking for you everywhere. i just wanted to come here and thank you again for helping out with everything. you’re amazing and i’m so happy to know someone like you.” mikey’s wife came to you and pulled you into a hug, as you pat her back. 

“of course, i wish you both the best of luck and a lot of happiness. treat him good, okay? he’s been through so much and he really deserves this. he’s a little childish and stubborn at times but he’s so sweet. he’s great and it breaks my heart to give him away but he’ll be okay. i know he will, he’s mikey after all.” you laughed, making her break into one as well. 

“mhm, you got it!” she smiled at you once more before being whisked away by another relative for pictures. 

“looks like you’re busy.” you heard a familiar voice behind you, turning around to see mikey grinning at you. 

“yup, busy practicing how to spend the rest of my life alone without my other half.” you teased, making him chuckle. 

“i suppose if you’re not too busy then you can spare some time to have a dance with me?” mikey wiggled his eyebrows, making your lips curl as you took his hand, being pulled away to the dance floor. 

you wrap your arms around his neck as his arms snake around your waist. you both sway to the song and it felt like once again everyone else was just a blur and you both were now back in your own world, just the two of you. 

“thank you, y/n. for everything, from beginning to end. i’ll never be able to repay you for everything that you’ve done for me. without you, i don’t think i’d even be standing here. you’re my one and only, forever and always; my other half.” he genuinely spoke, eyes glimmering with love and adoration, turning your brain into a bunch of mush and heart becoming all fuzzy. 

“you just got married, mikey, don’t make your wife turn against me by saying those kind of things.” you chuckled, making him crack a smile. 

“i mean it, you’re very special to me, y/n.” mikey said, tucking in a piece of hair behind your ear. you felt suffocated, feeling your airways and chest tightening. you couldn’t tell if it was from all that food you stress-ate or the feelings that threatened to pour out right this moment.

“can we go somewhere private, i gotta tell you something.” you urgently ushered him, as he quickly nodded his head before being dragged away to the groom’s room. 

you quickly closed the door behind you, locking it before turning to face him. mikey grew concerned at your behavior and silence as he constantly asked if you were okay.

“if someone were to ask me what would be the best and worst day of my life, i would tell them that it was the day that i met you.” you breathed out, making mikey tilt his head to the side in confusion. 

“huh?” he managed to say. 

“it was the day where i found someone that understood me as a person deep from within, knew my every thought and feeling before i even had to say it or act on it. i found my other half, the person that made me, well, me. the person whom i’ve grown to not be able to live without as well. which also brings it to why it’s my worst day as well.” you grew silent, words feeling too heavy to spew out as tears gathered in your eyes. 

“the person that i can’t live without, mikey.” you choked out, tears now streaming down your face as mikey’s eyes widened. 

“y/n, i don’t under-”

“i love you, okay! not as a friend, but as someone more. i wanted to be the person that you spend the rest of your life with.” you cried, making him gulp harshly. 

“i wanted to be your bride.” you sadly laughed, looking up at him with a tear-stained face as your mascara and eyeliner was now smudged. 

“oh my god, y/n.” he whispered, trying to pull you into a hug but you quickly stopped him. 

“don’t! if you hug me right now, i’ll break and won’t be able to stop myself. please, just hear me out. when we went ring shopping, i never wanted to take it off of my finger and it felt so nice when you put it on me. that night, i went home and couldn’t stop envisioning a future where it was us instead. i’ve loved you ever since we were kids, mikey.” you confessed, making him break into tears as he pulled you into a hug, unable to contain himself. 

“then why the hell didn’t you say anything before? you even had the chance to object when the priest said the vows. why didn’t you say anything!” he sobbed, his embrace tightening as if he never wanted to let you go. 

“because she’s good, mikey. you need a wife who’s sweet, tender, gentle and understanding. she’s perfect for you, mikey. you’ll be okay, i know you will.” you gave him a sad smile, holding his face as you looked deep into his eyes. 

“but you’re also-”

“no, mikey. you need someone who can cherish you and spend many more happy years to come. i can’t give you that.” you sniffled, making him furrow his eyebrows. 

“i don’t understand, what’s going on?” mikey panicked.

“i’m dying, mikey. that day that i met you, i was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and it seems that i barely have a full month left to live. i was supposed to be long gone by last month but i guess i was lucky enough to see you get married.” you cried with a smile. 

“no, no, you’re lying to me. this can’t be! y/n, this isn’t time for jokes, please, i can’t lose you too. i’ll marry you, i’ll manage something, i promise. please, just don’t leave me.” he begged, holding onto you like you would disappear from his reach if he were to let go. 

“mikey, don’t make all of this go into vain. i worked so hard to come to terms with my feelings and get closure. which is why i waited until after the wedding to tell you because even if i do leave you, you’ll have her to be there with you. you need to live for me, and enjoy your life in happiness. okay?” you sobbed, trying to convince him but he kept shaking his head in denial. 

“no! please, y/n! i-i-”

“here, make sure to share with her, alright? don’t get too greedy.” you tried to joke to lighten the mood, as you opened his palm to give him the container of chocolate pudding. 

“y/n, please.” he cried, but you were stern with your decision. you felt yourself becoming light-headed and the familiar feeling of nausea. it almost felt like you were dying, ironically. 

“bye, mikey.” you gave him a soft kiss on his cheek before running out of the room. mikey yelled your name behind like a madman as he ran after you, but you were too ahead. the fresh air hit your skin, sending goosebumps everywhere and it felt like you could breathe again. 

you walked over to draken’s car and opened the door, sitting down as you were about to close the door. 

“i love you too, y/n! i always have and always will.” was the last thing you heard before slamming the door shut, breaking into tears. 

“start the car, ken.” you said in between your sobs, driving away from the church. 

“so, you gonna hide from him forever or what? you know, y/n, i never told you how much i love you. well, not like that. but, i’m grateful for having someone like you in my life. i’d do anything to make you smile, you’re the most selfless and kind person i’ve ever met. an angel is what you are.” draken rambled, making you softly chuckle.

“thanks ken, i love you too.” you tiredly slurred your words, draken glancing at you as he stopped at a light, a smile etching on his face.

“seems like you’re tired, let’s get takeout tonight and go to the movies with remi. you know, just like the old days. what do you say?” draken asked, only to be met with silence. he chuckled to himself as he decided to not bother you and let you sleep till you both got home. 

draken finished parking the car, calling your name a few times to try and wake you up, but you wouldn’t budge. 

“jeez, gonna make me carry your ass up those damn stairs.” he groaned while getting out of the car and opening the door to yours. 

“y/n-” he grew quiet, seeing your pale face made his blood run could. draken quickly bent down and put his ear on your heart, two fingers on your wrist. 

no beat, no pulse. 

“no, no⸻y/n, wake up! please, i need you to wake up!” draken cried, wrapping his arms around your cold and lifeless body to give you some of his warmth. 

but it was no use, you were already gone. 

[with-my-murder-flute]

Gideon Nav and the motherless child

(A post I promised at Wiscon in May that I'd write, and am finally getting around to.)

Gideon does not come off as a severely abused and neglected child, and I think there's a reason for that.

Both she and Harrow have full on The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog-calibre childhoods. Harrow acts more like it, from her extremely low thresholds for sensory overstimulation to her entire social... everything. Those are all things kids raised in neglect are way more likely to deal with.

When I first read GtN I was in my habitual "Look self, not everyone works in your field, SFF authors give their characters these kinds of horrible childhoods all the time, nobody else cares about the realistic consequences of bringing a child up that way" mode. Like, it was nice that Muir seemed aware that the Ninth House's children generally would be more sickly and have higher fatality rates, but I also didn't want Gideon to be one speck less herself, so I could live with the slight implausibility.

And then we got Harrow the Ninth. We got the slow revelation of the Sleeper. The revenant. Wake's immense rage.

"I hated that damned sword for years. I don’t know why; it just felt strange—rancorous."

"Where the hell have you been hiding for nineteen years?” “Where—you—fucking—left—me. In my bones. Then a blade. In—that—fucking—hole.”

I immediately remembered: Gideon loved her sword so much she could frigging marry it.

Here's my theory: Gideon is Gideon in part because her mother has been haunting her for years.

Children need love if they're going to grow up. I don't mean that metaphorically. Babies that aren't held, rocked, touched, and soothed don't release the same mix of hormones that tell their bones it's time to move outwards. The steady attachment of baby to the adult who takes care of them is the central pillar around which children construct everything from control of their faculties to their senses of self. When babies are not cared for and able to attach to loving, reliable caretakers, they struggle in so many ways. I know this sounds really vague and ~vibes~-y, but I mean it in the sense of, "here is a curated reading list of scientific research on the topic, which I provide because I can't condense it while also shouting about Griddlehark on Tumblr"

So in GtN, Gideon just seemed like this ridiculously optimistic outcome for a severely maltreated child. She's optimistic and self-confident, brazen but moral, outgoing but centred. She's smart enough to hold her own against Harrow, to make complicated plans for the future, and to cope when her plans encounter hiccups. She knows that she wants to leave the Ninth House, and when she finally manages it, she doesn't panic or find some new miserable hole to shove herself into; she gleefully steps out and stretches her wings. And yet, her less-than-stellar relationships with people back home don't prevent her (in any way other than a little shyness) from forming new, varied, complicated connections with all the different people at Canaan House.

That's all... like, it is wildly optimistic to think that a child whose closest adult attachment figure from twelve months old was as distant and limited as Aiglamene would be like. That is winning the child development lottery.

That, or...

Maybe when she was seven, and her biggest emotional attachment (besides Harrow) was to the imaginary skeleton mother in her head, Aiglamene broke it to her that her mother wasn't out in rotation yet. Maybe Aiglamene led her to the niche where Wake's bones lay. Maybe when Aiglamene left, Gideon sat down there and said, Hello, mother. I love you.

Maybe it was then? Or maybe it was before? As a revenant, Wake's closest link to the living world was her own body, her own bones. But she also had thanergetic links with things like her murder weapon. Her murderer. The baby she'd died delivering to the Tomb. That made it possible before, certainly, but physical proximity counts for something, so maybe it was then, that Wake first tried possessing a living soul.

Wake whispering tiny inaudible suggestions into her daughter's ear like: Fuck this place. Fuck these bones. Light this place on fire. They don't own you. You don't owe them shit. Get up, get out, escape. Blow this place apart. Fight, defy them, make them pay, and remember that ten thousand years of history brought you here to stand against them. Here is what it's like to be a human being, to throw your shoulders back, to fight with people you trust, to gauge your enemies clearly, to know the power you punch with. And if there are no other standing orders: Live. Live. Live.

You cannot tell me Gideon's first act upon receiving a real sword, a soldier's sword, was not to take it down to her mother's niche and show it off. It was probably like offering her an open backpack to hop into.

Maybe all Wake's "mothering" was just her trying with singleminded rage to program instructions for detonation into her bomb. Even still: At least Gideon had a mum who wanted her to be as explosive as she was, and backed her up for every step of it.

Harrow didn't even get that much.

[otaku553]

The way you described sarie in the tags of your Sabo au reminds me a lot about boa and my favorite interpretation of her love for luffy: that boa isn’t really in love w luffy, she’s just so traumatized that she thinks she’s in love the first time she meets a guy that sees her for the person she is and doesn’t judge her for her past. Sarie seems like she’s the same way, with Sabo treating her well and making her believe that she’s in love when she’s rlly just experiencing decency for the first time

Heheheh yeah! I agree strongly on that for Boa and Luffy, I think that Boa does not actually feel romantic attraction to luffy but is just so alienated from this feeling of platonic friendship as a result of being the object of other people’s attraction and having been exposed to that for so long, what she has with luffy is unique and she comes to perceive it as “love,” just not necessarily the kind of love she thinks it is.

That said, with Sarie, I do feel that it is a bit different! It’s not so much “decency” that she is experiencing for the first time from Sabo, but rather honesty. The problem with being a princess is that everyone tells her that they love her, and at some point, she must realize that these are shallow words that people use to endear themselves to her for ulterior motives. I’ve been turning around this phrase in my head: ‘the realm of nobility is not one in which truths are said.’ Sarie herself is such a strong example of this in canon with her verbal tic of triple negations which make it very difficult to understand her, so playing on that, I think she would also have an intimate understanding of the ways nobles twist words and never say things straight out.

Now take Sabo, who has been one of her suitors for the better part of their teenage years, who she knows his parents have been trying to get with her to get an in to the royal family for ages, and he talks to her the night before she makes the decision on who to marry as the princess, who to choose as the third heir to the throne, and he says: “look. We both know that this is something my parents have always wanted more than me. You don’t have to choose me.” And she asks what he would do if he were king, and he answers about all the people he would help and all the ideas he has to better Goa for the masses, and. She’s charmed. I think Sabo is, if nothing else, capable of being extremely extremely genuine about the good he wants to do in the world, and he makes clear to her, in no uncertain terms, that he would be a good king, but doesn’t want to be king because he both respects her choice and knows that he is doing this for ulterior motives.

That honesty, in his moment of vulnerability, is what wins her over. But not quite just that— it is the way that he is so determined to save others, when she has been thinking for the past years about how miserable he looks and how she wants to save him somehow.

Now also, imagine that Sarie has been told for all her life the words “I love you.” And not a single time has those words been said in truth, in full genuine affection and care for her as a person rather than her as a princess, her as a vehicle to the throne, her as a political token for the royal family, her as a mascot and mouthpiece. I think this honesty that Sabo shows is a lifeline she clings onto, because she knows after his confession that he is capable, in moments of vulnerability, of being honest. And I think she truly wants to hear Sabo say to her, honestly, the words “I love you.” I think she wants to know that there is at least someone in the world that truly loves her, and she just thinks it will be easiest with Sabo because she can give Sabo everything he wants: means to help the people through political authority. She just gives it in what she hopes will be an exchange for his honest love.

I have very many thoughts about Sarie haha :) I don’t think she’s a good person, but I do think she has the potential to be a very complex character. This au is largely my way of examining the ways growing up with nobility might have affected the characters that are most closely associated with nobility. I think they must be very fucked up but in different ways from the main one piece cast and its usual supporting characters.

[naughtyneganjdm]

Naughty or Nice - Chapter 12

Summary: After returning home from town, Maggie tries to convince Y/N not to approach her father about the information that Beau found fearing that it will end badly.

Characters: Negan, Maggie, the reader (OC), Hershel, etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51464518/chapters/134032210

Warnings: Swearing, severe angst, some smuttiness, etc.

Notes: There are only two more chapters after this one. I wanted to post this yesterday, but I fell asleep. Thank you to those that take the time to comment. It means a lot to me.

“Hey Y/N,” Maggie stepped into the kitchen a few minutes after she saw Y/N disappear from their group. When they had returned home to the farm it had started snowing again so everyone was freezing. That led to them all socializing by the fire in the living room to warm up. It seemed like everyone was taking part. Everyone, but Y/N that was. It took a while for Maggie to be able to sneak away from the group, but when she got the chance she slipped away in order to go see her younger sister. Once she caught sight of her sister, Maggie stopped and clasped her fingers together before her. Y/N was standing at one of the corners of the kitchen, her hands braced against the counter with her head dropped down. By her body language, Maggie could tell that something was going on and it wasn’t good. After hearing Maggie calling out to her, she didn’t respond much other than to raise her head and look back over her shoulder. Maybe it was because Maggie was just starting to pay attention to things, but she could see in Y/N’s features that she looked miserable. “Are you okay?”  

It genuinely looked like Y/N was so incredibly overwhelmed, “Not really, Maggie.”

Hearing that took Maggie aback. At the ice rink everything seemed alright, so to see this sudden change shocked her. Turning slowly on her heel, Y/N faced Maggie and leaned back into the corner of the cabinets. Bracing her weight on her hands, Y/N felt drained both physically and mentally after the last few days.

“What happened?” Maggie inquired, pushing her hands into her pockets suddenly feeling awkward about coming to approach her sister.

“It really doesn’t matter,” Y/N rejected her sister’s attempt at trying to start a conversation about her feelings. With what Y/N had been feeling lately, she knew that Maggie was the last person she should really be talking to. “What’s up Maggie?”

“I just wanted to come talk to you,” Maggie explained thinking back on the conversation that Negan had with her at the ice rink. It made her think about their father and she started to wonder if something happened when Maggie wasn’t around. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on? Did daddy do something while we were out today?”

“I don’t think you want to hear this,” Y/N confessed to her older sister, her words drawing Maggie further into the kitchen. “I don’t think you want to take part with things when it involves our father and I’m okay with that. I know how you feel about him. I respect you enough not to involve you.”

“Listen,” Maggie started, her face draining of color when she thought of what to say next. “I know I haven’t been the best sister. I’m still making mistakes to this day and some people have brought that to my attention lately. That’s really the last thing I want to happen between the two of us. I don’t feel like daddy does about you.”

“Yeah, but he’s your hero and I know it’s hard to see that someone you love makes mistakes,” Y/N suggested with a frown. Really, she couldn’t blame Maggie. Their father went above and beyond for Maggie. Why would Maggie feel the need to think negatively of Hershel? She wouldn’t. “You should really go back with everyone else. I want to talk to dad about things and I’m trying to figure out how.”

“What about?” Maggie pushed for answers trying to make some kind of motion to clear things up between them. “I think as sisters we should learn to talk more. There are some things that I want to talk to you about tonight too. Maybe the two of us could just go upstairs together right now and we could share a night together just talking. I think we need that.”

“That sounds nice Maggie, but right now isn’t a good time. Maybe tomorrow?” Y/N offered realizing that Maggie was doing her best to try and make something happen between the two of them. “That way I can talk to dad tonight and then tomorrow we can spend time doing the things that you want. After our family’s plans of course.”

“Fine, we can do that,” Maggie shrugged her shoulders, her throat tensing up when Y/N looked back toward the things that she had on the counter. Observing the book from where she was standing, Maggie found herself interested in finding out what it was. “You’ve piqued my interest Y/N. What do you have going on?”

“You really want to know?” Y/N double checked, her hand sliding back on the counter to place it in over the book that was there. “You might not be happy with what I show you and what I have to say.”

“I’m here and I’m not leaving,” Maggie articulated with a nod, stepping in closer to Y/N. “What’s this? What’s going on?”

“I’ve been trying to think of a way to approach dad,” Y/N informed Maggie, sliding further aside pointing toward the book that was there. “I have to talk to him, but I’m not sure what to say or how to word things.”

“About what?” Maggie spoke, stepping before the withered photo booklet. Like everyone else, the burning that was done to it had caught her attention with her fingers dragging across the material. Opening up the cover, a photo of Y/N’s mother was the first thing that she had seen. Confusion flooded into Maggie’s green eyes, when she grabbed a hold of the photo to look it over. Realization started to sink in when Maggie turned the photo to look at the name that was on the back. Lifting her head, Maggie gazed between the photo and her younger sister. “This is your mother?”

“It is,” Y/N answered, her throat going dry thinking about that photo. No matter how many times she saw these photos, it took her breath away every single time. After this long of never having an image in her head of her mother she finally had one now.

“You look so much like her,” Maggie commented, sucking at her bottom lip when she set the photo down and started flipping through the pages of the photo book.

“I do,” Y/N agreed with Maggie. Both Negan and Beau confirmed that with her last night. And she had eyes. She could see it too.

Flipping through the pages, it was clear that Maggie was bewildered trying to understand what she was seeing before her, “Where did you find this?”

“Beau found it in the attic. I think he was trying to find a photo of her for me for Christmas,” Y/N recalled what Negan’s son had told her. “Our father has a hiding place upstairs in the attic under some loose floorboards.”

“Beau found this?” Maggie confirmed, pointing at one of the pages and it was like she had a hard time believing that. “How did Negan’s son find something like this in only a few days when we lived here most of our childhoods and we never found anything on your mom?”

“I don’t know?” Y/N was flustered that was how Maggie was approaching things. “I guess Beau was just lucky. It’s obviously real Maggie.”

“Oh, I agree with you,” Maggie stopped on the photo that was of her, Y/N’s mother, Hershel and Y/N as a baby. “I guess this makes sense with all the questions he was asking me about your mother. I told him that I remembered a woman that was between my mom and Annette, but I was younger. I really didn’t have a memory of much.”

“I feel like dad persuaded you to forget,” Y/N proposed the idea and it made Maggie frown. “This goes against everything he’s said Maggie. All the things he told me about my mother were fake. Why would he lie this whole time?”

“I don’t know,” Maggie huffed, stepping back and away from the book to meet Y/N’s stare that was on her. Folding her arms in front of her chest, Maggie tried to come up with something, but was lost for words. “I’m sure there is a reason why he did what he did. Daddy wouldn’t lie just to be malicious so he could treat you like shit.”

“Maggie,” Y/N frowned, pinching the bridge of her nose. Pausing, she didn’t know if she had the strength to combat her sister about their father. “I understand that you always want to think the best of dad. I get that and I can’t fault you for that, but we can’t pretend that this is okay because it’s not. I know you saw the way he always treated me, always labeling me as a mistake. Telling me that I was something he didn’t know about until it was too late, but he did. These photos show that and things aren’t adding up.”

“I hate to say this Y/N,” Maggie started, her eyes closing when she took in a sharp breath, “but who cares?”

“Who cares?” Y/N repeated, her tone breaking when Maggie’s eyes opened, but it seemed like she refused to actually look at Y/N right now. “I care. Dad’s excuse to treat me like shit my whole life was that I was his mistake. His one night stand that he should have never had. In those photos you can see that he loved my mother. That they were engaged and they were happy. Why did he lie to me? Why did he keep her from me? And why did he use his lie as an excuse to treat me the way that he did?”

“I’m not trying to sound like a bad sister here,” Maggie mouthed attempting to reach out to touch Y/N, but Y/N wouldn’t let her. It made Maggie frown seeing that her sister didn’t want to be comforted in any fashion. “I hate that everything leads back to our father. It always has.”

“What are you trying to say?” Y/N pressed her sister to keep talking and Maggie looked so uncomfortable being put on the spot.

“I just think it’s time to finally let things go,” Maggie implied, her jaw clenching when she outstretched her hands to place them over Y/N’s shoulders. If anything, that made Y/N even more emotional with tears burning at her eyes. “You and daddy have been fighting for as long as I can remember. It’s been years since whatever happened with your mother happened. Does it really matter anymore?”

“Maggie,” Y/N had to pause to try to stop herself from crying because that was really the last thing she wanted right now. “I know you don’t understand or maybe you just don’t want to think about it, but our father broke me. I almost thought of taking my own life when I was younger, it was that bad and those thoughts never left me. I thought I didn’t belong here and it’s because of dad. I felt like I was an error that was being abused because I shouldn’t have happened, but it was clearly something he knew about. And the way he has treated me has always stemmed from the lies that he told me. That he told all of us.”

“I can empathize with how you feel Y/N,” Maggie stressed, sliding her hands down over Y/N’s arms to try to comfort her in any fashion that she could. “But you escaped things and you made something of yourself. Isn’t that enough for you?”

“I do my best to hide how I have felt Maggie, but mental health doesn’t work like that. It’s not something I can just turn off,” Y/N clarified for her sister, her voice breaking when she thought about her past. “Because of the way that I was treated when I was younger, I have dad’s voice in the back of my mind. Always telling me that I don’t belong. That I’m a mistake. That I’m not worthy of the things that I have or I’m not good enough.”

“Then go to a psychiatrist Y/N,” Maggie dropped her hands down at her sides finding Y/N to be a little overwhelming at this moment. “A professional is going to be able to help you a whole lot more than approaching dad on the subject will.”

“You don’t think I’ve done that since I’ve left?” Y/N scoffed, shocked to hear her sister’s counter response. “Maggie, I’ve been in therapy since the moment I could afford it. I constantly have to fight that voice in my head to stop my thoughts from swallowing me whole. The fact that I even was able to make something of myself in an industry that is so hard on women and so heavily focused on other’s critiques is even a surprise in itself.”

“It shows that you are stronger than you think,” Maggie urged her to realize the positives. “Can’t you see the good in it? You are stronger than most people because you did all of that with all of this weighing on your shoulders. It’s Christmas Y/N, why do you want to have this conversation with daddy before Christmas?”

“I’m leaving the day after Christmas Maggie,” Y/N reminded Maggie of her plans that she had already made. “I think I deserve some answers. Some kind of explanation of why he hid things from me and put together this elaborate lie instead of being honest.”

“Tomorrow is Christmas Eve,” Maggie continued on with what she was saying previously. “Let the family have a good holiday and then the two of you can talk things out.”  

Instead of saying anything, Y/N looked away from Maggie and swallowed down hard. It was hard hearing these things from Maggie, but she wasn’t about to fight with her, “I’m not saying this to upset you Y/N. I’m just being honest. We both know daddy enough to know that it’s not going to go well. We know how he is. Why put yourself through that and ruin your holiday?”

“Because it’s all I can think about,” she reasoned with Maggie, still keeping her head down because she was having a hard time talking about this in general. “I just don’t understand it and I think I deserve some answers.”

“It’s already hard enough,” Maggie conceded trying to reach for Y/N’s hands to hold them, but she was frozen against Maggie’s touch. “It’s just going to start a fight. The two of you are going to get angry with one another. Let’s try to make it through the holiday without having things explode on us. Okay?”

Silence followed. How was Y/N supposed to respond to that?

“Tonight has kind of been…extreme for me, so please just come upstairs with me and talk to me?” Maggie implored trying to reach out to her sister. Squeezing her fingers tightly around Y/N’s had Maggie tipping her head down trying to get Y/N’s eyes to meet hers. “I’ve wanted to talk to you about some things and I think after the night I’ve had today, I think we need to talk. I know it sounds greedy, I know that it’s bad, but I really could use my sister. So could we please hold this off and wait until after the holiday?”

“Hold what off?” Hershel’s voice surprised the both of them when he walked into the kitchen to hear the tail end of their discussion. He stepped into the corner, his arms folding out in front of his chest when Maggie looked between the two of them. “Everyone headed upstairs to bed. I figured I would let the two of you know.”

“That’s good to know,” Maggie thought aloud her expression almost begging Y/N to let things go. “Let’s go upstairs together. You can come in my room so we can talk for a while and then you can go to bed. Some sleep might be good for us. Don’t you think? Give us time to let things linger and we can decide if it’s really the best decision.”

Turning away from Maggie, Y/N closed the photo book and covered it with her jacket to hide it from their father. Considering what Maggie asked of her, Y/N was careful in the way that she picked the book up and held it close to her body.

“What’s going on?” Hershel picked up on the tension between them, but neither Maggie nor Y/N was quick to answer. “Maggie?”

“It’s nothing,” Maggie exclaimed trying to put a barrier between Hershel and Y/N. When Y/N turned on her heel, Maggie extended her hand and motioned down to it hoping that Y/N would take it. “Come on honey. Join me upstairs and then we can have a girl’s night together. I need to talk to you. Really bad. I need you.”

“Maggie,” Y/N felt a lump growing in her throat when she looked to Maggie’s hand and then their father. Guilt was eating away at her knowing that Maggie was desperate to have her forget everything. “I’m sorry Maggie, I just really need to talk to him.”

“Go upstairs Maggie,” Hershel motioned for his older daughter to go ahead with everyone else upstairs. “If she wants to talk to me, we’ll talk. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“I’m sorry daddy, but this is more important to me,” Maggie grumbled under her breath refusing to lower her hand. Tears were actually burning at Y/N’s eyes and forming at the corners of them, but Maggie was trying to pull out everything to avoid this confrontation between them. “Come on.”

Extending her hand out, Y/N accepted Maggie’s hand and gave her a nod. A sigh of relief filled the air when Maggie lowered their hands and led Y/N toward the door. Instead of picking herself, Y/N picked Maggie after hearing her pleas. Making it out of the kitchen, Maggie gasped when Hershel put his hand up between the two of them against the doorframe to stop Y/N from leaving with her.

“Please daddy, just let it go,” Maggie begged of her father, her green eyes pleading with Hershel in this moment. “For me.”

“Goodnight Maggie,” Hershel ignored Maggie’s request, his throat tensing with Y/N standing before him with her eyes locked on his.

“Please move your arm,” Y/N was quiet, doing her best to follow through with what Maggie asked of her. “I’d like to go up with Maggie. We can talk another day.”

Shaking his head, Hershel slid his hand down further making it damn near impossible for her to leave, “I said go to bed Maggie.”

“Daddy,” Maggie breathed out catching the glare that Hershel gave her when she kept trying to stop this from happening. Finally releasing Y/N’s hand had Maggie frowning, her eyes glancing to Y/N who looked mentally defeated already. Sadness flooded Maggie’s features before she gave a small nod and finally headed up the stairs leaving the two of them alone.

Being trapped in the kitchen with Hershel was already intimidating with how he had done what he just did, “By the look on your face I can only imagine the kind of conversation the two of us are going to be having right now. What is it now? I’ve left you alone all day. We all just had a nice time out with our family. Today was a good day. So what could you possibly be this miserable about?”

“Don’t worry about it dad,” Y/N encouraged her father to let things go. “Maggie asked something of me, so I’m just going to head to bed. I hope you have a good night.”

“No, that’s not going to work with me,” Hershel stated firmly, keeping his hand in place to block her from leaving. “There is something that you want to talk about so why don’t you just say it. Go ahead Y/N.”

“Fine, I just wanted to talk to you about my mother,” Y/N whispered, finally locking eyes with Hershel who tipped his head to the side. Instead of just jumping right in, she figured she would give Hershel the chance to change things around for her. “I was thinking with it being Christmas time, maybe you could talk to me about her.”

“What is there to talk about?” Hershel finally lowered his arm and shoved his hands into his pockets. Disappointed, Y/N sighed and forced herself to look away from Hershel. “We’ve talked about your mother extensively. There isn’t much to say Y/N. It was a moment of vulnerability that I had, I made a mistake, I wasn’t thinking. That’s it.”

“That’s what you always told me,” Y/N accepted that it was always his answer, but she wasn’t okay with it. A broken breath fell from her parted lips and she weakly smiled. “I was your biggest mistake. The thing that you never wanted. And you let me know it over and over again.”

“You have a very different recognition of things young lady,” Hershel defended, his expression showing that he was angry. It was very quiet downstairs and she knew it was just the two of them alone. “I cared for you. You had a roof over your head. You were given things. You didn’t suffer. You didn’t starve. You weren’t out on the streets. You were pampered. And you were always too greedy to realize that. This depression that you’ve come up with over the years to villainize me is something else.”

“You’re right. You did keep me alive,” she agreed with Hershel, her throat feeling like it was about to close up with how upset she was. “It was the things that you said dad. How you were with me compared to Maggie and Beth hurt. You always told me that I was the one that you never wanted. The one that got thrown on you. Any time I upset you or didn’t do what you wanted, I was reminded that I was the problem. I still have memories of being a child and hurting myself. The only person that ever cared for me was Annette. You always coddled Beth and Maggie, but with me you always snubbed me.”

“What do you want me to say?” Hershel queried, throwing his hand up when she finally broke and tears started sliding down her face. “You were a mistake Y/N, but when you were brought to me, I took you in. I took care of you and I gave you a life. You’ve been nothing but a gigantic problem your whole life. It was always something with you. You gave up the tournaments with the horses. You were so stubborn and disrespectful. And it never changed.”

“Do you wish I never happened? Since it makes you look bad having a daughter with a one-night stand?” Y/N wondered feeling her heart hammering inside of her chest. Hershel’s face grew red and he exhaled loudly. “You always let me know that I was the one that didn’t belong because you never had a connection with my mother.”

“Do you know why I prefer Beth and Maggie?” Hershel avoided her question, his jaw clenching when he leaned further back against the wall to brace himself. Nothing came from his middle daughter and Hershel shrugged his shoulders. “Because they are better than you. They listen. They aren’t quitters. They don’t make me out to be some villain because I didn’t love them the way that they wanted.”

“Because you always let them know they were loved,” she bickered, her voice breaking when she clung tighter to her things. It was one thing to think it, but another to hear it from him that he thought Maggie and Beth were better than her. “Maggie and Beth never had to go to bed at night wondering if their existence was a mistake. I deserved just as much love as Maggie did. I understand that she is your favorite. She often is everyone’s favorite because…”

“Because she’s better,” Hershel interrupted her causing her words to come to an immediate stop. “Everyone sees it. So what if you have a better job? You aren’t happy, are you? Did you find that happiness that you were looking for when you left here Y/N? Since you were going to harm yourself if you didn’t find that found family?”

Hearing her father mocking her had her body trembling at how awful he was actually being to her about things.

“Honey, everyone always liked Maggie better because she was a good girl. She didn’t hide herself away from everyone,” Hershel lectured Y/N throwing his hand up in the direction of the second floor. “Maggie found herself a man that while I’m not his biggest fan has two children. He has a solid job. You’re engaged to a pizza delivery boy. One that in my opinion seems to be fonder of Maggie too.”

“What?” she half laughed her voice becoming raspy at what Hershel was throwing on her. “What’s wrong with Glenn being a pizza delivery boy? A job is a job dad. That doesn’t determine something good or bad about me.”

“I don’t think you are understanding here honey,” Hershel countered with a shake of his head. “You’re the problem. You blame me. You blame your family, but you’re missing that you are the problem. Not me. If it was me, you would have found happiness by now. Instead you’re engaged to someone who is nothing. Someone who doesn’t even connect with you on a mental level.”  

“Okay,” Y/N slurred out, the tears burning at her eyes hearing her father dig everything in further. “Do you ever blame yourself for anything? For lying to me? For creating a story that wasn’t true?”

“Lying to you?” Hershel snorted, his head tipping to the side. “So now I’m not only an abuser, but I’m also a liar? You sure do have a lot of nerve to accuse…” Hershel’s words came to a stop when Y/N pulled her jacket away from the photo book that Beau had found. When his eyes fell upon it, his words came to a stop and he let out a shuddering breath. “Where did you find that?”

Stepping back and away from Hershel, she flipped to the page where her mother was pregnant and a younger version of her father had his hand placed over her mother’s pregnant belly, “I don’t know dad, it looks like you kind of knew my mother all along. And you actually look happy here…”

“Give me that,” Hershel demanded and she shook her head, flipping to the photo that was at the end of the book. “You have no business looking at that.”

“You know, my mother looks really good for the walking dead,” Y/N mocked her father since he had told her that she had died in childbirth and he had nothing to do with her. “Why did you lie to me? Why did you treat me the way you did when you weren’t even telling the truth? You look happy in these photos. You look like you loved my mother and you actually loved me. What went wrong dad? Why is it when my mother died you decided to honor her by treating me like the outcast? Do you think she would be happy with the way that you’ve treated me?”

“Give me that,” Hershel repeated what he said earlier. Closing the book, she placed it under her arm and denied his request. “You have no right to that.”

“I have every right to this and I always did,” Y/N asserted, clinging tightly to the material. “You tried to erase my mother and you did. You created a horrible story to hide something that was obviously beautiful and I think I deserve an answer.”

“You deserve nothing,” Hershel snapped at her, his tone getting angrier when he stepped in closer to her. “I owe you nothing,”

“I shouldn’t have found out about this from Negan’s son finding it in the attic,” Y/N declared, her own voice raising while they fought with one another. “It should have been you telling me about my past. It should have been you telling me about my mother. It should have been you…I deserved to be just as loved as Beth and Maggie because you clearly loved my mother too.”

Hershel’s face was red, his eyes tearing over almost hinting that he was getting upset with having to hold back on everything, “I deserve answers.”

“I want you out tomorrow morning,” Hershel whispered, his fists clenching at his sides when he gazed to the book that was in her hand. “I don’t want you here. I never did. You can take that book and you can take that boy with you for all I care.”

“I’m not leaving until…” she began only to have Hershel step before her in attempts to be intimidating.

“You’re leaving tomorrow. I want nothing to do with you,” Hershel was seething, his tears burning at his eyes. “I want you gone. I don’t want you here for Christmas. I didn’t want you back in the first place. You get your things and you leave. Do you understand me? I never want to see you again. You’ve ruined Christmas. I hope you’re proud of yourself.”

“I hear you. Loud and clear,” she whispered behind tears herself, nodding her head slowly. “I’ll give you exactly what you want Hershel,” she looked down toward the ground licking her lips while she tried to keep herself calm. At this point he didn’t deserve to have her call him dad. “I’ll be gone by afternoon tomorrow. And you can burn everything that has me in your life too. Heaven knows you want to. This mistake will correct itself. I’m sorry I disappointed you so much.”

Heading for the stairs she could hear Hershel standing at the entrance of the kitchen to watch her going upstairs and she let out a shuddering breath, “All I ever wanted was for you to love me, but you decided long before I was even capable of understanding things that you never would.”

That was the last thing she was going to say to her father. Getting up the stairs, instead of heading for her room she immediately went upstairs to Negan’s room, locking the door behind her once she made it to the stairs. Climbing up them, she stopped when she saw that Negan was sitting at the center of the bed in just a pair of pajama pants. He was wearing his thick, black framed glasses while he was reading something.

Dropping the things in her hands made Negan’s head raise from the book that he was reading. Kicking out of her boots, she tugged her shirt from her body and then pushed at her pants to get them down her legs. All she could think about was her father stressing that Maggie was better than her and everyone thought it. How her father hated her and made her feel like less than human.

“Hey,” Negan set his book aside, worry flooding his hazel eyes when she got on her knees on the bed. Crawling in over him surprised him and he immediately lifted his hand to stroke over the side of her face. Sweeping at the tears that were there took her breath away and she could see that he was worried about her. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Instead of saying anything, she immediately brought her lips to his to silence him, her hands working open the tie in his pajama pants. Her kisses were rough, but it was obvious that Negan could taste the lingering of her tears over her lips when he tried to get her to look at him, “Hey. Y/N. Talk to me. What’s going on?”

“Please Negan,” she begged against his lips, dipping her hand inside of his pants to pull out the root to his masculinity, stroking her fingers over it. Negan was soft against her touch and she was working to change that. “I need this. I need this really bad right now.”

“Listen…” Negan’s eyes rolled back, his lips parting when she moved further in over him and started pressing wet kisses over the side of his neck. God, he was doing his best to fight her off, but he was having a hard time with it with how aggressive she was being. “We shouldn’t do things like this when you are upset. I would rather just talk to you…”

“I need this Negan,” she insisted, her lips hovering in over his after he tipped his head back to look at her. Adjusting her positioning over him had his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat. “I don’t think I’ve needed this more.”

“I just…” Negan huffed when she forcefully moved in over him to hook her fingers from her left hand into his hair while her right reached down to push her panties aside. Grunting, Negan felt her lowering down over his semi-erect manhood, his hands clasping tightly to her hips. With her arms hooked around his shoulders, she was using her balance over him to roll her hips over his length working to make him completely solid inside of her. Pressing his forehead to her chest, Negan moaned out while she had her way with him knowing that she was being rough. The headboard was smacking up against the wall with the movements she made over him and he was having a hard time being quiet. “People will hear.”

“Let them,” she didn’t have a care in the world while she bounced herself over him using the best of her strength that she could build up. Uncontrollable moans fell from Negan’s throat, his hands caressing up over the lengths of her body. With Negan inside of her, she had that full, stretching feeling that helped distract her and it was better than the pain.

When she took him completely inside of her and stayed still over him for an extended amount of time before moving again, he knew that it felt too detached for him. “Y/N…please…”

Shakily, Negan’s hands lifted to cup her face in his palms in order to get her to look at him, “Talk to me. Please.”

Finally, her movements stopped and he was able to get her eyes to connect with his, “What’s going on?”

“I’m getting kicked out of the house. I have to leave tomorrow morning,” she explained to Negan with him sweeping away at the tears that still lingered over her face. Attempting to move her hips, Negan shook his head and kept her in place over him so she could continue opening up to him. “Hershel wants me gone after I brought up that book to him, so I’m leaving. I got no explanation from him. He told me during our discussion that Maggie was better than me in every way. That you felt it. Glenn did. Everyone,” she took in a sharp breath, her head lowering to rest against his. “Please Negan, I need this. I just need to feel like I’m special. That I mean something to someone…”

“This is not the way,” Negan shook his head, curling his arm around her waist to carefully lower her down at the center of the bed. Shakily moving in over her, Negan did his best to make her feel comfortable before starting to carefully roll his hips to make love to her. What she was doing before felt more like she was trying to punish herself as opposed to actually allowing herself to feel loved. Peppering kisses over her lips, Negan kept their eyes connected while he thrust over her and hovered his lips over hers. “He’s wrong. You are perfect. You are everything to me and he doesn’t deserve you.”

Lowering down over her, Negan’s fingers hooked with hers as he held them to the bed and squeezed tightly at them. If she wanted to be intimate with him, he was going to make sure that he was going to make love to her like she deserved right now. Not have some quick romp that would be rough and would ultimately leave her feeling empty in the end.

“I love you so much,” Negan repeated what he knew to be true, his kisses trailing down over her jawline while she stroked her fingers through his dark hair. “We’ll all leave tomorrow. Together. Because that’s where I’m meant to be. With you.”

What really made this moment stand out was his praising and the way he spoke to her. That’s what she needed right now. To be proven to that he loved her. That beyond all else, they were meant to be together. That she was it for him and not Maggie.

This wasn’t a moment focused on pleasure for them. No, it was more so a moment to share their love with one another. To connect and bond further than they already had. What she needed to hear, Negan said. Even when they finished, she just wanted to be held by him. To be close to him.

“You are the only place I feel like I belong,” she whispered with him laying over her, her fingers caressing at the back of his neck with him cuddled up to her. Chills flooded her body with Negan panting against the side of her neck. Leaving frequent kisses over her flesh left her feeling pampered and cherished. “I should have left with you and your family from the start.”

“You’ll be with us,” Negan tipped his head far back enough to give her a small nod while he swept his thumb in over her bottom lip. Negan’s hair was damp with it in his face and she found herself in awe with the way that he looked. “Your father did you a favor because now he’s made it easy for you to erase him from your life. You don’t need that toxicity in your life. You’ll never have to feel this way again. Do you understand?”

Pressing his forehead to hers, Negan took a minute before peppering faint kisses over her face toward her lips, “In the morning we will all pack and we’ll go back to my place. We’ll have Christmas together. Then first thing after Christmas, I’ll go get you a ring. We’ll get married on New Years. Have our baby…”

“Negan,” she whimpered with Negan stroking the back of his hand over her abdomen. “I don’t know if I should be a parent. The way that I was treated, I don’t want to be my father.”

“You never would be,” Negan hushed her with all the love in his eyes. “Look how you are with Beau and Erin. They love you and you are so good with them. You’ll be the best mother. And we will all love you. You will make your family with us and you will be loved the way you were always meant to be.”

“Do you think we will be able to get out easy in the morning?” she wondered knowing there was so much that had to be done with Maggie and Glenn. “Maggie and Glenn should…”

“Maggie and I broke up tonight,” Negan informed her, causing her to let out a surprised exhale. Pointing toward the discoloration over his face made Y/N let out a tense breath. “That’s why my nose is hurt. She punched me. I told her that I was in love with someone else. We both agreed it was better to go our separate ways. I’m already done.”

“Does she know that it’s me?” she was shocked to hear that Negan was already broken up with her older sister.

“No, I didn’t think I had to tell her that part yet,” Negan thought back to his discussion with Maggie. “She already punched me in the nose, I thought if I told her who it was, she would fucking destroy me. This way tomorrow morning she doesn’t have much time to respond before we leave, but at least she will know.”

“How did that happen?” Y/N wanted to know the details, brushing her fingers into Negan’s wet hair to sweep it back over his ear.

“Maggie was acting really weird the last two days,” Negan answered her knowing that Beau told him he needed to be completely honest with her about everything. It scared him. Especially with how Y/N was feeling, but he had to be straight forward. “Last night when you were with Beau, she came in here and I thought it was you. She tried giving me a blowjob, but I immediately knew that it wasn’t you and I stopped her…”

“She what?” she pushed into Negan’s chest, watching his head immediately shake “Negan?”

“Nothing much happened. I immediately stopped her when she started to give me one. It was dark, she crawled up under the covers and I thought it was you. Once she started doing it, I knew it wasn’t you and I stopped her. We fought because she wanted to have sex with me and I wouldn’t. That’s when Hershel showed up to rip me a new one thinking we were trying to get intimate. Then today she tried again. She’s never been this desperate to try to sleep with me and then I found out the reason she was doing that is because she cheated on me with someone else,” Negan let his words almost mesh together with how fast he was explaining what happened with Maggie. Hearing all this only seemed to upset Y/N, but he needed her to know so they could be clear with things. “You’re it for me Y/N, so when she admitted things to me today about cheating I immediately let her know that I was in love with someone else. That I belonged with someone else.”

Even after he explained things, she didn’t seem entirely comfortable, but Negan shook his head, “Listen to me. Everything is going to be okay. We’ll take tonight and then we will leave in the morning and we can start our life together.”

“That’s exactly how it went down with Maggie?” she confirmed with Negan, faintly skimming her fingertips over the discolored flesh under his eyes.

“Exactly. I was smacked today and punched,” Negan snickered, his lips claiming hers in small kisses that still managed to take her breath away. “Your sister has some aggression issues when she gets upset. As much as I liked her, she beat the shit out of me. A lot. This wasn’t the first time she had done it. I hope whoever she wants to be with can handle her because she’s kind of abusive.”

“You poor thing,” she whispered, tracing her fingers down over the side of his face and it had Negan leaning into her touch. “I’m sorry you got hurt because of me.”

“It’s worth it to be with you,” Negan slurred, cuddling in closer to her wanting to keep that connection between the two of them.

Getting comfortable beneath Negan, she looked between them knowing that he was still inside of her going soft and it made her eyes come to a tight close. With Negan now being broken up with Maggie, to the promise of a happy life along with them trying for their baby, Y/N knew that this was the life she genuinely wanted.

“I love you so fucking much,” Negan declared, his hazel eyes locking with hers while he palmed in over the side of her face in a loving, tender sweep. “I hope you know that. You mean everything to me.”

Pulling Negan back into her arms, she held him close and kissed at the side of his neck. That was something she really hoped was true. It was just after everything she experienced with her father, it was hard to actually believe those words because she wondered if she was even deserving of something like that.

“Sometimes I think you and your children are too good for me,” she whispered, her fingers stroking through his dark hair. “That I don’t deserve this…that I don’t deserve you…”

“And that’s just your fears talking,” Negan hushed her, leaning back far enough to stare into her eyes again. “Because if anything, I’m the one that doesn’t deserve you. I’m not perfect Y/N. I’ve never been perfect. So please don’t think like that.”

“What if you were meant to be with Maggie, but I ruined that?” she wondered and it made Negan scoff. With a shake of his head, Negan nuzzled his nose in against hers but then winced realizing that it still hurt. “It’s a possibility Negan.”

“It’s not. It’s really not,” Negan denied, hating that these were things she was starting to believe because of the ideas that her family filled her with. Coaxing her to look at him and stay connected with him, Negan frowned. “Maggie was not someone that I could see myself having a future with. When I’m with you, all I can think about is our future and all the possibilities.”

Tears burned at her eyes and it broke his heart to see her this way. Lowering down, he immediately started pressing loving kisses over her face, “I don’t think you know how much I truly love you.”

“I can only imagine,” Negan slurred, his fingers lowering to capture her hand in his. Giving it a tight squeeze, he shrugged his shoulders. “But considering how I feel about you? If it’s half as much as I love you, then I know it’s a lot.”

“Why do you love me?” she was confused about all of this and the way that Negan felt toward her.

“I could talk to you all night about all the reasons that I love you,” Negan vowed, a smirk tugging at his lips when he thought about her. “When you are this in love with someone, everything about them appeals to you. I can’t think of something I dislike.”

“All I can think about myself is all of the things that I do hate about me,” she opened up to Negan, wrapping her arms around his shoulders to hug him tightly to her. Peppering tiny kisses against his freckle covered shoulders had him sighing.

“That’s because of the environment you are in. Once we get you out of here, you will thrive and shine,” Negan promised, his lips finding their way to hers again so he could kiss her passionately. “And if you don’t? I’ll be there to help you through every step. Because I love you. And you’ll never be alone. Not with me.”

----

Tags: @slutlanna976 @fuckthis-and-fuckthat @jennydehavilland @de-gabyconamor @ibelongtonegan @smallsadjellyfish @labyrinthofheartagrams  @msjamesmarch @thebeautysurrounds @hotfornegan @redmercysugar @caprithebunny @tuttifuckinfruitty @emoryhemsworth @a-girl-interupted @akumune​ @stoneyggirl2 @xsarcasticwriterx @haleygreen23 @xhannahbananax03 @sanctuaryforthelost @burningredaffair @killaweiser @dead-of-niight @ayumi-wolf @hollyismentallyillhelp @promiscuousbarnes​ @tone-stark @lanadelnegan @flippittygibbitts @stickyhuesos @dilfsandmartinis

[exsanguidus]

Controversial opinion; I think Ascended Astarion is the true Astarion. In DnD lore, vampirism amplifies a person's traits for whoever they are at the time they become a true vampire. A Paladin wanting to save people will end up ruling a city with an iron fist to keep people safe. A mage wanting to heal those they love will hurt everyone else to heal them. Astarion was on a journey with Tav - one from being controlled, owned, and tortured to being free, curious, and even powerful. Becoming a full vampire and ascending just amplified that. It forced a self-actualization, not a descent into villainy. I think Ascended Astarion is cannon Astarion. He will always be a vampire, and vampires in DnD are always the amplification of a true self. Without ascention, he is still malleable - but I don't think its what he wants. He wants to be powerful (protected by his own power too - his power being a means to self-preservation), he wants to be loved, seen, and free. Free of hunger, free to walk in the sun, free of Cazador. All these things are true regardless of the path you choose. But, they are all only attainable through ascension. When you ascend Astarion - he gets everything he wants and becomes who he truly is.

I'm going to start this with a disclaimer:

I work in the mental health field professionally and majored in Social & Behavioral Science, which is partly why I felt drawn to Astarion as a sort of case study. Characters rooted in trauma are interesting to me and I enjoy picking them apart to judge how real it feels. I utilize my educational and professional background to essentially guide how I write Astarion on this account.

That said, despite me being a professional in the field, all of what I have to say is my personal opinion and interpretation of Astarion's character based on how I interpret the material Larian gave us and the material that can be found in DND lore. Even in real life, things have variation and not all mental health struggles (getting over trauma is part of mental health) present the exact same way. There are theories that exist to try and explain some trends in mental health studies, psychology, and sociology, but again they're called theories for a reason.

Now, my response to this question will be under the cut and will include spoilers.

I know what lore in particular you're referencing, anon, because I've been going back to it a lot ever since I opened this account.

Astarion very much has an insecure attachment style born from his abuse at Cazador's hands. Specifically, an anxious-avoidant attachment type that leans more towards avoidant when he's first met and then begins to swing more towards anxious as he begins to get closer to Tav and the other companions.

Anxious-avoidant attachment types (also known as the “fearful or disorganized type”) bring together the worst of both worlds. Anxious-avoidants are not only afraid of intimacy and commitment, but they distrust and lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them. Anxious-avoidants often spend much of their time alone and miserable, or in abusive or dysfunctional relationships. Anxious-avoidants are low in confidence and less likely to express emotions, preferring to suppress them. However, they can have intense emotional outbursts when under stress. They also don’t tend to seek help when in need due to a distrust of others. This sucks because they are also incapable of sorting through their own issues. Anxious-avoidants really get the worst of both worlds. They avoid intimacy not because they prefer to be alone like avoidants. Rather, they avoid intimacy because they are so terrified of its potential to hurt them (Mark Manson, Attachment Styles and How They Affect Your Relationships).

Typically, most studies of Attachment Theory focus on the relationship of parents-children or romantic partners, but it can also be applied to any significant relationship someone has in their lifetime. Attachment styles thus are capable of changing based on new relationship experiences.

If you end up giving him the "good" ending where he denies the Ascension, it's implied in his final dialogue that he's actively working towards having a secure attachment type due to the influences of his fellow worm-afflicted associates - particularly Tav.

I think that it's important to also note that, even if Tav doesn't romantically connect with Astarion, he shows hints of desperately wanting someone to care for him, support him, and love him. He does want to know what sex would be like as something other than a tool, and especially what it would be like to actually want to have it just for the pure sake of enjoying having it.

You have to understand that Astarion doesn't even understand the concept of casual sex or friends with benefits. All those times he had to seduce people for Cazador was not casual sex or a friends with benefits situation. All of them were transactions with a means to an end. He got nothing out of seducing those victims besides the possibility of not incurring Cazador's wrath that night - but even then, there was still a possibility because Cazador was an abuser.

Abusers are incapable of providing genuine safety, but can manipulate their victims into believing an illusion of safety. Often times, they manipulate their victims into this by using phrases like "you made me do this by being disobedient", "it wouldn't come to this if you just did what you were told", and then weaponizing basic needs such as shelter, food, and social interaction. The bare minimum becomes something the victim is expected to be grateful for and viewed as a favor, which means anything beyond the bare minimum is expected to be viewed as a theatrical showing of care and love.

In game, Tav has the chance to hear Astarion tell the story of how Cazador turned him. He basically states that he got attacked by a mob due to a ruling he handed down when he was magistrate and then Cazador saved him and offered him immortality. It can be inferred that in his pre-vampiric days, Astarion had no idea that Cazador was abusive to his spawn.

This is likely because it seems that Cazador is careful about his public image. He doesn't allow his spawn to drink from humans, very likely not just as a means to further oppress them and dampen their potential power they could get from drinking people's blood, but also as a way to ensure there's not just a bunch of people out in the city being bitten and left alive to tell the story - or left dead on the street suspiciously.

He has his spawn seduce and lure people, particularly lower class people that would be harder for general society to realize is missing or just that he knows people who could actually challenge him wouldn't care for (you learn that reading some of the books and notes in Szarr Palace). The only exception to this is the kidnapping of Gur children, but even then it seems to fit his MO as it seems Gur are considered somewhat outcasts from the rest of Baldurian society due to their cultural differences.

It should also be noted that he himself doesn't do these seductions or kidnappings. He specifically chooses spawn to be his lackeys and that's likely so, if shit hits the fan and the spawn gets caught, he has deniability since he wasn't there. It's methodical and thought out to keep as many eyes away from him so he can still obtain what he wants and keep sailing under the radar.

Cazador is this methodical and purposeful as a result of his own trauma, which we learn about from the skull of his master in the dungeon of Szaar Palace. There's one interaction in particular with the skull in which Tav can learn that, at one point, Cazador attempted to rebel and usurp his master. Cazador failed and his master punished him via impalement. Not because Cazador had the audacity to try and usurp him, but because Cazador tried and failed. Cazador's master punished Cazador via torture because his master was disgusted by the fact that his spawn was too weak to succeed in such a plot.

Which brings me to my next point... it's not uncommon for victims of abuse to later become abusers. Hence the term Cycle of Abuse exists. Many abusers who were once victims often have the mentality of either "I'm not nearly as bad as my abuser was, they should be grateful I care enough to not be so bad" or "I survived and it made me tougher, they need to suck it up and let it help them build character" or both. They often fail to view their abuse as abuse and fail to recognize how their experience as abuse victims contributes into making them toxic and abusive to others.

There's many peer-reviewed scholarly articles you can find about the cycle of abuse, but one I particularly find useful is Editorial: Dissociation, and cycles of abuse across generations by David P.H. Jones. It talks specifically about parents and children, but I believe some of the general points made can be applied to Cazador and his spawn, as he crafts a very family-like setting that can be seen in the way that his spawn refer to one another as brothers and sisters.

This would thus make him the father figure, a role exponentially made important by the fact he denies his spawn education on things that could serve to give them ideas or the ability to leave him (for example, Astarion mentions that none of the spawn were permitted to learn about the language of the various symbols around the palace) and he consistently chooses his Golden Children (Favored Spawns) as a means of providing more false security. Do what he says, when he says, exactly how he says and don't complain then you will have benefits. You will be Favored, and to have his favor is the highest honor you could achieve.

Torture is clearly presented as Cazador's primary go-to for discipline. Research has also concluded that trauma has a way of affecting the brain and memories.

Trauma can prevent information (like words, images, sounds, etc.) from different parts of the brain from combining to make a semantic memory. The temporal lobe and inferior parietal cortex collect information from different brain areas to create semantic memory (The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine).

Astarion mentions a few times in-game that he can barely remember his life before Cazador, if at all, and a huge part of that is likely because of all the trauma Cazador inflicted upon him that exacerbated the natural occurrence of memory loss from aging (if vampires experience natural memory loss from aging, that is). This is most likely true for all of Cazador's spawn.

I say all this as a set up to truly answering you, anon, specifically where you say: "from being controlled, owned, and tortured to being free, curious, and even powerful. Becoming a full vampire and ascending just amplified that. It forced a self-actualization, not a descent into villainy."

I can argue that Astarion did not feel free up until after a decision to Ascend or not was made. And I argue that stance due to some dialogue he can have with Tav here he basically states that the power Ascension could guarantee that no one, even someone after Cazador is dead, could ever come in to oppress and hurt him again. Even with Cazador dead, he has such an intense fear of being enslaved and used that he turns to catastrophic thoughts as justification to why he needs to Ascend.

Catastrophic thinking is a cognitive distortion that occurs when people have a hard time weighing the likelihood of certain outcomes and believe that terrible or catastrophic outcomes—which are highly unlikely—become, in one’s mind, salient and extremely likely. (Tom Zaubler, MD, MPH).

Aside from the Gur, whom Astarion can manage to evade and even kill perfectly fine as just a spawn, we're not presented with any hints of another big bad in the vampire world that could possibly want Astarion. As such, there's not really any tangible threat, but rather a perceived threat that he believes is destined to darken his doorstep at any time.

His catastrophic thinking is a trauma response. His belief that he needs to be the most powerful being in the room as a way to be truly free is a trauma response. Cazador broke him down emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually to make him believe that he was weak and trapped. Furthermore, that he remained trapped because he was too weak to do anything about it.

You see how this goes full circle into how Cazador's master punished Cazador for not being able to successfully usurp him? It places blame on the victim, allowing shame and helplessness to root that the abuser can manipulate. We know that Astarion definitely feels shame because he tells Tav that. For most of his dialogue until the boss fight, he's constantly bringing up that he did what Cazador wanted and acted obedient because he had no choice.

This is true, he had to act in self-preservation to survive and unfortunately that meant he had to be subservient. A few dialogue choices you can have your Tav pick can challenge Astarion and say he could have still tried, to which he'll rightfully tell Tav that Tav has no right to judge him for the choices he made to survive.

When Astarion encounters Sebastian in the dungeon, its made pretty obvious how much guilt and shame he truly feels. Furthermore, that for all Astarion's protesting and exclaiming that no one has the right to judge him, a part of him did believe that he didn't do enough to try and escape enslavement. A part of himself blamed himself and believed he allowed himself to be abused when, in reality, he was put in a horrible situation with very limited options. He did the best he could in the moment, with what information he had in those moments.

I also want to argue that who Astarion is when we meet him isn't his true self. It's who he had to become in order to survive Cazador. Astarion doesn't even know who his true self is because he didn't have the opportunity to explore his own likes and preferences. Cazador molded all of his spawn because he had a specific purpose for them.

Not only that, but since Cazador would have to more directly deal with these spawn since he used them as lackies, he also would have molded them to behave in ways to his preference so that he wouldn't find their presence unbearable and feel inclined to murder them out of annoyance. This is also where the Favored Spawn being separated and set on a pedestal comes into play. Those who could please him and play to his wants and needs had better benefits. If all of the spawn are acting in self-preservation, they would want to be favored and thus would want to adapt themselves to things Cazador liked and approved of.

This would mean learning to be cruel to those less fortunate and not doing anything as charity. This is the reason why Astarion approves of some questionable decisions Tav can make. Astarion learned his ideals and morality from Cazador because he had to so he could know how to please Cazador and stay in his master's good graces. After a while, even if you started off disagreeing, forcing yourself to act a certain way can become a habit that sticks with you. You convince yourself to enjoy it too so it's easier to swallow.

Astarion craves power because he knows that power is the quickest, easiest, and - what he believes - most effective way to prevent him from having to use that method ever again. It's logical to want power to solve that.

You said in your ask: "He wants to be powerful (protected by his own power too - his power being a means to self-preservation), he wants to be loved, seen, and free. Free of hunger, free to walk in the sun, free of Cazador. All these things are true regardless of the path you choose. But, they are all only attainable through ascension. When you ascend Astarion - he gets everything he wants and becomes who he truly is."

In the most literal of terms, yes, Ascension gives him all of those. However, since the basis of him believing he needs power to be free is rooted in fear, that's not actually really freedom. That is still his fear ruling over him.

There's a stark difference in what someone wants versus what they need. He wants power, to be seen, to be loved, and to be free. What he actually needs is security, stability, support, consistency, empathy, and autonomy. The things he wants is what he believes will solve the empty cups of what he needs, and he believes that because the only example he had on how to act to get what you want - until the events of the game - was Cazador. He literally had no other example of how to get your needs met except through selfishness, cruelty, force, manipulation, and abuse.

Again, I reiterate. The Astarion we first meet is not Astarion's true nature. Astarion's true nature was corrupted by his abuse from Cazador and the subsequent trauma that followed. If it had been his true nature, he would have happily been Cazador's subject because their true natures would have been in alignment.

It only becomes his true nature if he allows that trauma to define him and decides that he needs to embrace it rather than fight it. That is then what gets amplified because that fear that roots those wants becomes amplified.

Honestly, it's impossible to say what would be canon for Astarion because there's too many factors.

Studies have shown that having more supportive and positive influences, even if its later in life after leaving the abuser, tends to work in favor of the victim breaking the cycle of abuse. As such, I think that if you make a Tav who's core values are autonomy, consent, second chances, and redemption and somehow manage to get high enough approval that he'd even consider caring what they think; then its more likely that Astarion would reject Ascension due to observing how much softer, kinder, patient, and merciful Tav is.

But if its a Tav that has no interest in getting to know him beyond the surface or Tav doesn't exist at all, I honestly think he would end up going through with Ascension. Mostly because, to me, it seems like he didn't really bother to have more than surface level interactions with the other companions and the other companions really only ended up getting to know him better as a result to Tav managing to get past his masking. He does not lower his mask on his own accord, only after certain things are done and said by Tav.

Unfortunately, I just don't really think any of the other companions you can pick up in-game would really be able to provide support and determined consistency in the same way that players can make Tav. Hence I don't think he'd end up caring enough about any of them to ever start to think that perhaps freedom can be defined differently than the way he initially believes, and would view Ascension as the only right way to get his needs fulfilled.

[dropthedemiurge]

Some language comments for Gray Shelter [Episode 5], just like I promised!

"Do whatever/however you want to. (literally: 'Do it the way your heart desires') You do things how you want to anyway."

"I'm sorry" - the translation is correct, it's just it's funny how Yoondae's level of apology to his friend he just lashed out at last time + he wants to ask him for HELP, and all he says is: 미안 (mian). The most informal and short way of apologizing possible. He's so teenager-minded still.

Even when he asks "Can I leave my stuff in your dad's warehouse?" it comes out grammatically more of a demand, like 'Let me do that'. Yoondae is talking like someone who has a lot of walls and doesn't reach out to people, he doesn't talk kindly but he's honest and straightforward and he cries easily but he's very angry about it.

I especially love his facial expression, even when he's at his most miserable, he'll make it everyone else's problem, as if being pitiful is the worst thing that could happen to him. "I have no one else I could ask for help but you >:(("

Fun fact about Korean's sentence structure, when you quote someone or express your thoughts, you put your sentence this way: "quoted phrase" and then + "that's what they said/what i thought/etc". So oftentimes, I see Kdramas use that trick when characters say a phrase... and then take it back with "that's someone else's thoughts" or "that's what you thought I'd say, right? LMAO". It's funny how the translators' way of transferring this was using the word "Sike!" xD

"It wasn't a mistake to me." "If it wasn't a mistake, then [what]? Since you started talking [about it], let me ask you. So what if it wasn't a mistake? What do you want to achieve with me?" "Can I do anything about it? In the past or now, you're the one who runs away and avoids me. I asked you, can I make a decision (do I have any choices)?" "You made the move but you want me to decide? Fine, then. Let sleep together once and end it once and for all. Go wash up first. I don't have time, I only left office for a short time."

The way they both care about each other but their dialogues and words are very sharp and bitter almost all the time, especially here, aaaah. That's the contrast that hooked me for all these 5 episodes. Soohyuk doesn't swear but he's talking to Yoondae very harshly and emotionless here, and for Yoondae harsh talk is the default, it's like Soohyuk is lowering his manners to talk on his level, to provoke him (or maybe that's also how he distances himself from the discovery that Yoondae has feelings for him).

And Yoondae is holding back his frustration and tears, but he understands the way such words were aimed to hurt him, so instead of lashing out back at Soohyuk, as he probably wants him to, he swallows and unusually calmly, almost softly says: "Let's talk when you can be honest. Because I will shut up and wait for you."

And it makes Soohyuk stand there in shock and contemplate.

I'll add next scenes in READ MORE since this post is getting long!

Here's the moment when the boss asks their youngest employee to write something more 'trendy' for their marketing text xD It's very true that trends in Korea come and go very quickly, they also love to invent new terms and phrases all the time. Like "MZ slang", there are many phrases, and the one trendy phrase the boss uses as the example is 킹받네 (king-pad-nae) which literally written as 'receive the king' but means "I got angry" - but with a teasing/playful subtext, like friends could say each other 'ah you're so cute, it makes me angry'.

If I'm not wrong, this phrase was widely used like 1-2 years ago and not really in its trendy peak as well right now but kudos to boss to even learning it xD And it's funny how translator chose to (I assume) use "[living in my head] rent-free" phrase as a substitute. Another fun fact, they ended up using some trendy lingo in their ad that translator gave us as "no cap!" but that part of phone msg was so blurry, I couldn't see which exact Korean phrase they ended up using x)

"Hyung, if you have any ask for help, say so. For you, 2 million... No, I'll try to give you until 3 million won in any way."

Can I just say that we had this character for one moment and I'm so not ready to let him go, I want Jeongwan to have his own storyline and everything and he's too sweet and also caring for strangers/his colleagues, and so he stole the spotlight for me xD

Yoondae said there's no food at home. But also, as you can see, there is: beer, water, rice that you can cook in the microwave, kimchi for a side dish and some other microwaved food. According to my Korean friends, typical Korean person (poor like student) can survive if they have rice, kimchi and also ramyeon. That's their the most basic food. Just a fun fact. xD

Also he was on his third can of beer, and he already made a drunken longing call on the verge of tears to Soohyuk, lying about being hurt and bringing trouble just so he'd return home. "Is that okay with you?" - just shoot me, please. :')

"I called [the cleaning service/you] to tell you to stop it [sleeping outside of home]" "Let's have that dinner [that I promised you] today. Wait for me."

After days, Yoondae was ready to give up, he "tricked" Soohyuk to return home just so he could tell him he'll move out and stop pushing any talk. And then, Soohyuk brought up the dinner (the feelings) that he kept avoiding. No wonder Yoondae looked so struck and confused. It just gave him his hopes back (and viewers too, but we probably should've known better with this kind of series haha)

Interesting cultural context: they are getting samgyeopsal - grilled meat, chosen by Soohyuk because Yoongdae said there wasn't anything he wanted to eat. And usually, the youngest one has to set the cutlery and grill meat, out of respect for the seniors. And here we see that Soohyuk is the one choosing the place, menu and even grilling the meat and pouring soju for Yoondae.

Once again, it shows that despite Yoondae's emotions and pleads, he is not mature enough, he is not ready to focus on other people. We know he can't plan his own future, he doesn't know what to do, and we see where their relationship stands now - Yoondae is still more of a burden than an equal partner to Soohyuk, and Soohyuk is more of a parent.

Even when they drink soju (in Korean drinking etiquette usually you don't drink alone, you toast together and drink together), notice how they don't even clink their glasses together, then Soohyuk is the only one drinking and Yoondae wants to follow him but puts the glass back. He's taking a shot later, when Soohyuk grills the meat again. They are totally unsynchronized at this point of their lives, and it's painful to watch.

"I said he [my father] was dead because that's the truth/reality for me. There was no other [hidden] meaning. I didn't plan to lie to you."

"I moved out completely. If I don't organize my life starting from doing this, then I don't think I'll be able to live like all the other [normal] people."

The fact that Yoondae started thinking about improving his life (the word 'organizing'), immediately made Soohyuk stop in surprise. So he started asking what does the normal life like others mean to him, hopeful to find that equal adult footing from Yoondae... but Yoondae's thoughts stopped there. And Soohyuk offered his own goal and life meaning: "to have a place to go back to, that's enough for me".

Here's when Yoondae thoughtfully agreed with him: "It's important to have a home", and took the meat tongs from Soohyuk, saying how high-maintenance he is. Yoondae embraced that realization, he took the responsibility (even a small cultural gesture) and even though Yoondae nagged him, Soohyuk smirked. Because it wasn't a completely hopeless situation. And Yoondae proved it, by saying how eating like this and going home together is his normal life as well. (and yet they were still unsynchronized until the very end! we can't have happy ending yet)

AND HERE IS WHERE I HAVE TO MAKE A SECOND POST! Because tumblr only allows 30 images in one, and I can't stop screenshotting the last conversation so I'm going to make another post that you can find in 'gray shelter comments' or 'dropthemeta' tags (upd. or here's the link to the post!)^^