#something about dream crying from relief absolutely has shattered my heart and it caused me to stray a little and force a slumber party into

[fluffallamaful]

I see sleepy-anon’s Backfired Protection From Tickles and I raise you Sacrifice Tickles. (DSMP version because I don’t tend to like writing irl stuff.) (Nothing against it! Just don’t like doing it myself :) ) (Also I am so starved for c!Dream fluff I have been living in a desert for so long and then an angst!heatwave hit with the final lore stream someone please help me I need the most concentrated dose of fluff you have) (Do you know how desperate I had to be to brave the ask box, even on anonymous. I’m starving, man!)

Let’s say… there’s some sort of Manhunt going on where Dream is convinced that he has to protect both himself and Punz from the rest of the server, even though the rest of the server already know everything and just want to take him home because he’s in horrible shape :(. But also, Dream still has plans to reset the server soon, because he doesn’t know that there’s another way, and so the rest of the server wants him safe and also wants to disable whatever he’s done. Anyway, they manage to catch him but not only is he not talking, but he also doesn’t trust any of them and will not tell them anything. ESPECIALLY anything that might endanger Punz.

I think you can guess where I’m going with this.

The server needs answers, but they also really don’t want to hurt him because. Look at him. There are zombies in better shape than him. Dream thinks that he needs to protect both his plans and his ally. As it turns out, tickles may not be good way to get him talking, but they are good at 1) assuring him that they really don’t want to hurt him and 2) providing much-needed comfort. The final straw is when he finally realizes that they know Punz is his ally, and Punz is still safe.

He starts crying and scares the shit out of everyone — but it’s not because they went too far as they initially feared. Instead it’s the culmination of nearly three years of building stress and loneliness all finally finding a way out as he finally feels like he’s somewhere safe, and suddenly all of his plans also start tumbling out. Everything, all at once, it’s actually kind of hard to listen to both because it’s so jumbled and because it’s heartbreaking to hear him so upset, and it takes a while to get it all out, but eventually he finally manages to do it. And he’s finally given a bowl of hot soup, and kisses, and plenty of cuddles. He falls asleep in a giant cuddle pile. (Please.)

(I like the idea of Quackity and Sam being two of the interrogators because that is Dream’s worst nightmare, and he’s STILL feeling okay at the end. There’s nothing for him to be afraid of — not even Quackity and Sam. Bonus points if others suggest slightly more extreme ways of getting him to talk (just slightly! hell, maybe they’re even jokes: “we should make him listen to your annoying music” “let’s feed him your terrible cooking”) and Quackity and Sam stubbornly veto everything else because they really doesn’t want a repeat of what they did before.)

(Ah — I don’t know if I even need to say this, but: anyone’s free to use any prompts of mine, yeah? Use them as many times as you want, you and anyone else who wants to do it. :) )

@sleepy--anon you have inspired

also,,, Anon The Destroyer has given permission for people to write about their AUs!!! please make sure to credit them if you do!!

(discussion under cut)

🦙🦙🦙…

ok ok ok so kinda like the manhunt AU,, except that part of the reason that dream is on the run from everyone is also because he desperately wants to protect punz from harm from the server as well 🥲

he’s captured and brought back to the community house, where sam and quackity attempt to coax answers out if him

the idea of him clamping up the same way that he did during his non-verbal phrase in prison is heartbreaking :(( like just absolutely reverting to old habits and techniques that allowed him to keep information in whilst he was being tortured in prison :(( and if it’s quackity and sam doing the interrogating, then it would probably feel all too familiar to all of them.

which is maybe why they leap at dream’s suspicious reaction to sam’s thing squeeze of reassurance. he had placed his hand just above dreams knee during his explanation for them needing information, and a light squeeze to the muscle had quite literally sent a shockwave through dream’s fatigued body. perhaps the sight of dream’s lips quirking at the sides and his shifting posture was almost addicting, but not only that, the subtle increase of thigh squeezes in sam’s explanation appeared to get more and more head nods of understanding from dream.

it’s not long before the subtle squeezes and words of reassurance progress into straight up comfort tickles, from both sam and quackity. they are sure to make it clear to dream that they don’t want to hurt him, and that they only want to help. and my god it’s nice to see him smiling? come on let them see! they can all work this out together, they just need to know what dream knows. they all want it to work. punz said the dream would know how to stop what’s coming! he’ll be so happy to see dream smile as well.

and that’s what does it. the mentioning of punz and his safety breaks dream right then and there. soft giggles turn into sobs. soft tickles turn into hugs and hushed, worried murmurings. after their 5th time reassuring dream about punz safety and alliance-status, the broken man finally breaks further, collapsing into the hug and admitting all his plans through his blubbering tears. he’s showered in reassurance and praise, and then is promptly ushered downstairs to the awaiting rest of the server.

the server dwellers greet him gently and warmly. they offer him a place on the many beds that they’ve set up in the main room of the community house (because slumber parties are cute). dream spots punz and collapses into his arms. he spots george and sapnap and bursts into tears again. they bring him into a hug and play with his hair. he’s offered soup. he watches tommy and sapnap battle it out in a pillow fight. he giggles when george’s hair brushing starts to include the back of his neck. he starts to feel like he belongs :((

🦙🦙🦙…

[ziracona]

Got to the next bit, which I was very excited to write. : )

The Kid (pt: 1, … 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, ?) [Fate Grand Order AU]

Mnng… ahh. W..? what…? …where… a…

Oh. Oh dear. I am…still here…

This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. I choke on the way that desperation feels. It has been. so long. since… since I really felt. …fear. It.

I…

I whimper and shut my eyes against the darkness. There’s nothing good to see. The stone floor is cold, and I am bolted to it with shackles at my arms and ankles, stuck on my side, curled up painfully and at awkward angles. It. It makes the pain all so much worse.

So much worse so much worse. Help. God, please, help me. help me.

I haven’t felt like this. I…I never wanted to feel like this again.

What’s going on what’s going on; I don’t understand! Why! It’s not possible it’s not possible.

Was all of it a dream? Did I never really die, and everything I remember since, the throne, summonings, friends—was it all just fever dreams? It can’t be.

It can’t be.

I keep my eyes shut tight. It can’t be. Or where is Sophie? Where is Constanze? Where is… where is…

I try not to cry. It feels so awful. I’m dying. I’m dying and it’s not injury pain, it’s the awful broken pain of your body failing. It’s the fear in every dream when your teeth fall out, or your scalp peels back with your hair, and you want to scream, because it cannot be fixed. Only it’s real and it’s me, and it’s my whole body, and I can’t save myself. Nobody can save me. I’m going to die again I’m going to die.

My arms and legs, my stomach, my face, my hands and feet. They are all so swollen it hurts to not move, it hurts to move, it hurts to look at them. The metal pinning me down bites into my skin unforgivingly. I open my eyes for a moment to look at them, picturing how horrific I seem, remembering how I looked before. Rash all along my skin, little bumps. I’ve vomited, and it’s on the floor and on my face, on my skin and in my hair. My organs are shutting down. I’m dying, but it won’t end. I’m pouring sweat, and it’s disgusting, and broken, and I am broken, and I am dying, and my horrible Requiem in D Minor is playing. It has been playing for hours, for days. Haunting me, killing me again. It won’t end. None of it will end, and I don’t want it to. I don’t want to live, but I am terrified to die.

Please. I shut my eyes again, feeling the sting of tears. I am not used to feeling afraid, I am not used to feeling serious, I am not used to feeling hurt. I can’t go on. I can’t make it stop.

There is a sound.

A door? A loud thud of some kind.

Praying for hope, for rescue, anything, I open my eyes and look up.

I see the man in grey. His coat, his mask, his long cloak.

Death. My death.

I feel my heart lurch and terror fill my veins.

“Oh God,” I choke out. I’m starting to cry and I can’t stop it. Feverishly weakly, I try to move—get up, or recoil, and I am not strong enough to break the shackles, I am not even strong enough to drag myself back the inch I might have been able to with them on. I can’t run from him, I can’t hide, or fight.

He steps into the room, cloak billowing behind him in the darkness, and Dies Irae starts to play.

Wrath is coming for me indeed. I can feel his hate, his rage, seeping into the room, into me. The intent to kill.

There is a corpse already slung over his shoulder, and he looks at me, then picks the limp body up off himself and sets it on the ground and moves forward. He comes for me.

“P-please,” I whisper, “No. Please. Please don’t—please.” I shut my eyes and start to shake. It’s too much; I feel myself splintering.

The footsteps stop.

Still shuddering and crying, I open my eyes again, and see he has stopped, close above me. I am staring at his shoes. I am afraid to look higher.

“Amadeus.”

I am shaken by the voice. I know it. It sounds mournful, and like a ghost itself, like the word was hard to say.

It does not sound like the man in grey should.

“What have they done to you?”

I make myself look up at him. Shock and something else I haven’t understood yet in my chest. I know the voice.

He’s looking down at me, brows knit in worry and pain. Wait.

There is no mask. He has a face. I can see his face.

I know his face.

“Salieri?” I ask. My voice is such a whisper I barely hear it, but I know he does too, because he almost smiles for just a moment, and he nods.

Salieri. Salieri—god. But then.

“You aren’t here to kill me?” I make sure, my voice shaking. I had forgotten. That he…is…

He stoops, and I shudder involuntarily. I see agony on his face in response. “Please don’t say that to me,” he begs me quietly, looking away.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, letting my eyes shut, “I’m dying. I am not very much myself.”

By way of answer, Salieri reaches down and closes his fist around one of the shackles, and it cracks and disintegrates beneath his touch. I look up and he looks back at me and smiles, a weak, weary smile.

“I knew you were here,” he tells me quietly, “I could feel it—for days now. I kept forgetting, but I knew. I’m sorry. It took so long…”

“Where are we?” I ask him.

“I don’t know,” answers Salieri. He takes another shackle in his hands and shatters it carefully, “But I’m getting us out.”

Relief fills me, and I close my eyes and let out a breath. God, thank you. I can’t believe it.

“Okay,” I say, keeping my eyes shut.

I sense him move, and feel one of the shackles on my ankle beak, then he stops moving, so I look up again.

“…Can you survive?” Salieri asks me, “Without a master—how long?”

How long? I swallow, thinking. “I’m not sure,” I answer honestly in a quiet voice, thinking about that. My odds are terrible.

He flexes his fingers, agitated. It looks horrifying, because the way he is now, his gloves are like claws, and the action seems menacing, but I know him. I remember it—a little warmup, to keep blood flowing in a pianist’s hands. How little he must have changed. In spite of everything. …That…I…

…caused…

“I can do it.”

I focus on him again, confused.

“I can anchor you. A little. I can…I can pass on enough mana to keep you material until we can find a real anchor,” he says. I’m not sure if he can or not, looking at him. I’m not sure if he knows.

But he meets my gaze then, and he is determined. It’s so odd to see his eyes red now. They used to be brown—a kind of almost golden brown. Otherwise he looks very much the same, even if his hair is now more white than grey.

“Okay,” I whisper.

He holds my gaze a moment, making sure I believe him, and then he snaps the last shackle. Immediately, I feel like my little remaining energy is sucked out of me. I think I I’m going to lose consciousness…

I’m looking…at the far wall, dazedly. I…I think it’s only been seconds. I’m not sure. I did black out?

I’m…confused. My head aches, my body aches. I want to cry. I am staring at my swollen hand, so big it could never play right on a piano. Then there’s a body in my line of sight. I make my eyes shift up and focus and register Salieri is here.

Oh. Yes. He was… he…

He reaches out a hand and places it on my chest, and I feel a strange sensation, almost like something has snapped—it’s a little scary. But with it, I feel energy return. A small burst of mana.

Salieri is looking at me hopefully.

“It worked?”

I nod. “I…I think.”

I feel my body ebbing into unconsciousness again and my eyes start to shut. Salieri puts a hand out beneath my cheek and tilts my face up a little, trying to hold my consciousness.

“Easy,” he says worriedly, “Try to lay still.”

“Okay,” I whisper, remembering to not nod this time.

He lets go of me. I shut my eyes and lay still. I know he’s still there—I can sense him. I don’t know what he’s doing though. I can’t remember what he said he’d do.

I get scared. I feel like throwing up again, and I think I might. My limbs ache. Breathing hurts. I don’t remember why I’m here, or what’s going to happen. I might still die. I don’t want to. I don’t want to die alone. I…

Blindly, I move a hand, feeling for Salieri, and I find his own and limply close my fingers around his wrist like I might have the strength to keep him here.

He stops moving, and I can sense him looking at me.

“Stay with me?” I plead, forcing my weak eyes open so I can see his face.

“I’m not leaving you,” he says, and I know immediately how absolutely he means it. He puts his other hand on mine, gently, and gives me that sad, sorry, affectionate smile he has again. “Did I leave you last time?”

I smile weakly back. No, you didn’t. You stayed with me until the end. You loved me, even though I was never sure if you ever liked me.

Feeling safer, I shut my eyes again and lay still, and after a moment he lets go of my hand and returns to whatever he’s doing.

“I’m sorry,” I say through weak breaths, smiling sadly to myself at the thought, “You have to see me like this. I know it’s terrible…”

He almost laughs. There’s quiet for a moment, and then he says, “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

That’s true. I looked at least this horrible the last time.

“Still,” I say tiredly. I open my eyes and look at my swollen hand, try to move my fingers. It’s agony. I feel like the water in them will burst any second, my skin feels so tight.

Salieri’s frame shifts into view again, and he slides his arms beneath my shoulders and knees and lifts me easily. I stay limp. I don’t have the energy for anything else, and this is the safest I’ve felt in a long while anyway.

After going a few feet, over closer to the door he came in by, Salieri stoops again. He lays me back on the floor but keeps my head propped up in his lap and takes a handkerchief out of his pocket and reaches down, using one hand to hold my face steady, and the other to wipe old vomit off. He moves gently. It’s almost soothing, and it feels so good to have that foul stuff coming off. I look up at his face, curious with what little energy I have left. I haven’t seen him since I died. It’s been a few hundred years, and I know what they did to him. I wasn’t exactly sure what he’d still be like. But I feel silly for having worried. He still seems to be Salieri.

Looking down, he sees me watching and smiles. “Did you really think I would care about that?” he replies to my earlier comment as he carefully cleans vomit out from along my hairline.

No, I think, smiling up weakly at him, I didn’t. You’ve seen a lot worse. And you never were the kind to.

I relax, and shut my eyes again, let myself go limp, and Salieri support my head. I know what he is. I know what they did to him. We know, often, about other spirits on the throne. A little, anyway. I knew what happened to him. In some ways I watched it happen.

I feel guilty for that, though I’m trying not to. It’s not like I wanted it to happen. I try not to think about how he must be feeling, and how painful this must be. He seems so calm right now. I can almost believe he’s not fighting back the urge to run me through on his sword.

I know he must be, though. It made him an Avenger.

But I’m not afraid of him.

You have seen worse. And I know how you handle things.

I smile to myself a little.

I …I think I’m sad.

Sad? …

“…Salieri?” I ask weakly after a moment, eyes still shut.

“Yes,” he replies.

I don’t know what I was going to say. My head is foggy again, and weak. I think I was going to say I’m sorry, but I can’t say that to him. He would hate that. I don’t want to make him think about it any more than he must already be anyway. I don’t want to think about it. Usually I’m. I’m so good…at…at ignoring this kind of thing. It must be because I’m so…feverish. That I can’t stop thinking. …But. ..I…

I open my eyes and look up at him, and I think he sees it. He must see the guilt in my eyes, at least. I am sorry—I didn’t do it, and I can’t say it, but I am. And I’m worried. I’m…

He looks sad. Swallows. Then shuts his eyes and sighs, then looks off at nothing for a moment.

“Salieri?” I say again.

He looks back down at me.

I try to move my arm again. It’s hard, and he notices and I think for a moment he will stop me, but he doesn’t, and with immense effort I drag my hand along my torso until I find his wrist again. I can’t get my arm any higher, but he lowers his hand so I can reach it. With all the frail strength I have left, I weave my fingers around his. He watches that, then looks at me, an expression on his face I wouldn’t know how to begin to describe beyond frail itself, but in a very different way.

“Thank you,” I say.

I manage a smile.

I mean a lot more. I hope he can tell. I think he can.

I. I hope he can. …

I don’t have more to give. I let my eyes shut again, and I think this time with the energy I’m losing, I might not wake up again.

That would be alright.

No, I think, He promised.

He did.

I lose track of time a little, but after a minute I feel him lift me again, and I let myself lean limp against his chest. I think it will be okay.

It doesn’t matter that he’s supposed to kill me. He told me he wouldn’t, and he has a plan, so I will probably wake up again. I’m safe.

I’m safe. That’s right.

I smile, and let my consciousness go. I’m safe now. He’s staying with me. I’ll be safe.

[timextoxhajima]

Grounded: Level 7

Level 6 | Level 8

Member: Minho (Lee Know)

Genre: idol minho x idol trainee reader, angst cause is it a dana fic if there is no angst

Taglist: @jaehyvnsvalentine @licorice526​ @lolwhatameme @felixn-recs @yunapixie ​

[P R E S E N T]

Dispatch: TXT’s Yeonjun and BigHit Trainee Rumored to be Dating

“Oh, no.”

“Oh, no, indeed.” Ju Rin pulls out the roller chair by the table with the iPad sitting on the wooden surface. 

“We literally just went out to the convenience store and... how do people even know I’m a trainee?”

Ju Rin blinks and rubs her eyes, subtly shrugging. “I don’t know what these people don’t know. Anyway, Bang PD’s already spoken to Yeonjun and I. I don’t know if he needs to speak to you because he knows the two of you aren’t dating, but might I suggest you be mighty careful when you leave the building now?”

“Yeah, sure,” A gentle frown befalls your face. “I just... Don’t really know what else I need to do to keep myself under wraps, you know? What’s gonna happen when our pre-debut photoshoot is released? I’m gonna be shat on by-”

“Hold your horses, now,” Ju Rin sighs and sits up, resting her arms on the table. “Look, BigHit’s going to release a statement denying the rumors tonight. Once that’s done, I doubt there’s much you need to worry about... Or can, rather. It’s not like everybody’s going to love us when we finally debut.”

“Yeonjun’s not gonna get shat on for this, right?”

“He’s probably getting shat on now but that’s not in our control, is it?”

Ju Rin’s look of slight nonchalance drifts to you, and you can’t help but return her worry in the form of furrowed eyebrows and tired eyes. 

“Look, I know you worry for Yeonjun, but he’s fine, believe me. Worry about yourself, and protect your identity first.”

Frustration clouds your head when you dig your fingers into your hair, eyes drifting from the table to Ju Rin. All the things the leader has to take care of, and you haven’t even debuted. 

As if the day couldn’t get anymore unpredictable, the shadow striding across the breadth of the translucent door of the conference room you were just in confuses you even more. 

Ju Rin was a few steps ahead of you, with her hand on the door handle, completely frozen. Then her voice runs through the air in utter disbelief. 

“You should not be here.”

The relaxed black hair is new, but there was no way you wouldn’t recognise that forehead, those brows and those eyes. Shoving your way between her and the frame of the door, you whack him gently on his arm before tugging on his jacket. 

“What the Hell are you doing here?!” Seething through your teeth, the words are strained and you pray that he’ll understand you. 

Ju Rin does not know what happened between Yeonjun and I. 

“You are the last person who should be here!” 

“I just- I wanted to talk to you.”

Minho’s voice is low and muffled with the mask on. 

How the Hell did he even get here without being spotted? Did his manager drive him?

“Jesus, get in,” Ju Rin halts the conversation before it gets any more intense, literally grabbing the materials around your shoulders and yanking you back into the conference room. The door clicks gently behind her as she scans the corridor, you and Minho shooting each other confusing glances. 

Ju Rin sighs heavily once she notices the death glare Minho is offering you. The eyebags beneath his lashes are more obvious than the Dispatch news that erupted all over social media just this morning. 

“I’m going to assume neither of you want me in the room when you have this conversation?”

Minho finally shifts his attention from you to Ju Rin, pupils slowly gravitating toward the ground like he was guilty - no, because he was.

“Does Chan-sunbaenim know you’re here?”

He nods. 

“Did you come alone?”

“My manager dropped me off.”

“Your what-”

Ju Rin quickly shushes you, brows furrowing upon the realisation that him being here must hold more than there is to the eye. 

“Is he coming to pick you up soon?”

“I have 20 minutes- Well, now probably about 15.”

Your fists are sweating and the sweat’s that collecting in the middle of your chest is slowly dampening the rim of your bra. 

“Fine, fine,” Ju Rin regains her composure and waves it off. “15 minutes. Then you better leave before more people find out you’re here.”

“Ju Rin-”

“No,” She holds your hands and pulls you closer, volume just loud enough for you to hear. “You stay and listen to what he has to say. You don’t have to tell me after, but you can if you want to, okay? I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

Her hands slide out right beneath yours, and she offers you a reassuring smile before heading for the door, sending Minho one last glance as she closes the door behind her. 

You didn’t even notice how hard your heart is thumping because you were too occupied with trying to read his expression as he removes his mask.

“Minho, what are you-”

“Is it true? The news?”

A frown cements on your forehead. “What? Yeonjun and me? Dating? God, no! What- why would you-”

“Because I know he friendzoned you last year, maybe he realised he messed up and he does reciprocate.”

“I don’t understand why you’re mad about this-”

“I’m not mad.”

“You’re not listening to yourself, are you?”

“I swear on God, I am not mad,” He huffs, running his hand through his hair. “I’m just... worried. You haven’t debuted and yet you’ve been swept up in this situation? Then what? Are you expected to cut off all contact with other people? How were you so careless?”

“BigHit’s releasing a statement tonight denying it. Yeonjun knows it’s fake. I know it’s fake. Everybody in this building knows it’s fake. It’s not going to be a problem-”

“You don’t know that. Do you know how careful I was when I just debuted? I didn’t want to drag anybody down with me if I did something wrong-”

“Minho, what are you really here for?” 

He finally shuts up, but his eyes are shaking, it’s scaring you. 

“You’re here just to get back at me for not understanding why you did what you did back then, aren’t you?”

He clenches his jaws and you can see his temples tightening.

“I thought we were past that. I thought the day I sobbed over Yeonjun was a great way for me to say sorry and that I was a complete idiot for being completely absorbed in myself.”

It irks you that he hasn’t said a word since you asked him that tormented question. 

“So you agree,” A slight nod finds your nerves. It feels like the world is against you now. The finish line at your feet, with all the people you thought had your back standing right behind you - only for you to realise that none of it is true. The finish line is slowly inching away, and everybody else is just looking back down at you instead. 

“I thought you were more than whoever I thought you were. I thought-”

“y/n,” The door clicks open, interrupting you. 

“What?! I’m in the middle of something over here-”

“Can you shut the fuck up and listen to him?” Ju Rin’s angry now, and it stuns you. You’ve never seen her angry. 

The anger in your blood is definitely drowning your logic, but you can’t ever prepare yourself for the view of Minho looking like he’s about to burst into a billion tears before you. 

“y/n, I just thought the news was true so I...”

“Oh, for crying out loud!” Ju Rin finally steps between the two of you, magnifying your attention to her. “Minho thought it was real and he wanted to come over to ask if it was true, because the dumbass doesn’t want it to be.”

...What?

“What?”

“Look, I came over because I wanted to hear it for myself that the news wasn’t true, okay? I can’t... I can’t swallow it if I knew you were with Yeonjun, and that you chose to do it at a time most detrimental to your future and your career.”

Is this real? Is whatever Minho saying true? Is whatever Ju Rin saying what you think she’s saying? What if this is just another Yeonjun situation, and you make a fool out of yourself?

“No, there’s absolutely no reason why you wouldn’t be able to-”

“I meant it when I said I’ll always be here for you, because I didn’t think- I didn’t think today will come so fast, that I’ll be scared of losing you to someone else, putting me in a position where I can’t even fight for something I want... just because my dream is in the way; just because I’m a celebrity.”

Ju Rin’s shifted herself out from between you, but you didn’t even notice because you’re busy shattering over the look in Minho’s eyes, and he wasn’t even looking at you. 

“You used to need my help and my encouragement when we first met, but it’s different now, and I hate it because... it’ll get in both of our ways, yours especially.”

It sinks into a pool of satin and sad, mopey tears, your heart, when you piece the broken parts together. Broken parts of him that you didn’t even know were broken. 

“You used to need me, but now I need you. And I hate it because I can’t keep you by my side like a normal 23 year old can.”

His knuckles are the shade of the sun on a good day - perfectly white to the human eye - as his grip on the table is starting to tip the entire furniture over. He can’t bring himself to face you, and you understand perfectly why. 

He’s just put a halt to your decision to debut, because that would mean a good few years before you can date and you wouldn’t be completely trashed by the public. And even more importantly, he’s just confessed without knowing if you reciprocated his feelings; without knowing if your heart had ever been placed in his palms. 

But lucky for him, it’s always been in the heart of his palm. He just didn’t know it. 

His pride has been sucked out of him like the Grim Reaper collecting a soul, so you decide to be the one to relief him of his ache and take a few wary steps towards him. The skin on your forearms rub against the material of his jacket as you slowly nestle your head into his shoulder, fingers intertwining behind his lower back. 

“If that’s your way of saying ‘I love you’, then I love you too.”

[spinelwritings]

Spinel with an s/o who has amnesia

I got a bit carried away with this one, so it’s pretty long. You might want to skip it if you’re uncomfortable with descriptions of car crashes and hospitals, but there isn’t anything too graphic. 

I hope you enjoy!

-----------------------------------

Some gems said that, in moments of tragedy, everything slows down, every detail noticeable, and they’re able to act in an instant. Maybe it was because she wasn’t a warrior or soldier, but that hasn’t been Spinel’s experience. For her, everything seemed to happen in an instant. It only took an instant for Pink Diamond to leave her in that garden, only an instant of realization, an instant of anger and an instant of action. So it made sense that, when the time came, it would take only an instant for her to lose everything.

They were in the car when it happened, going home after having dinner at a restaurant Y/N wanted to try out. She was singing softly to the music that played over the radio. Spinel had her eyes closed, listening to her partner’s soft voice. It always managed to calm her down no matter how wound up she was. It was moments like this that she cherished the most.

Then, in an instant, it was gone. 

Everything seemed to shake. It was like the whole world shifted to the left. Panic flooded through her system and she reached for Y/N

Then she was reforming.��

“Y/N!”

She froze, panic bubbling up once again as she looked over the devastation. The car was nothing now but a pile of metal. Everything was covered in a layer of broken glass, looking like glitter and stars in the bright moonlight. There was another car farther away along the road, it’s front crumpled. A man was standing next to it, looking slightly dazed and surprised. But she didn’t care about him, didn’t even give him a second glass, because for one terrifying moment she couldn’t find Y/N, oh stars, she couldn’t find her!

She felt no sense of relief when she did find the human. 

She spotted her lying motionless on the side of the road, looking so incredibly broken. It felt like Spinel’s gem was about to shatter, each moment that passed cracking her just a little more. No. No no no. Non no no no no no no non on no non…

She rushed to the human’s side, looking her over, absolutely horrified. Oh stars, there was so much blood, there shouldn’t be that much blood. Her arm was bent in the wrong places, little cuts and bruises covered her skin, a dark ugly bruise covered almost half of her face, and she could see where some larger shards of glass had embedded themselves into her, what looked like a particularly large one forced deep into her side.

Her hands shook as she gently, ever so gently, lifted the broken human into her arms, hot tears streaming down her face. She desperately searched for any sign of life, a heartbeat, a breath, anything! She sobbed when she felt a heartbeat flutter in her chest. She gently held her close to her chest, head tucked below her chin and close to her gem. She slowly rocked back and forth, mind racing.

Y/N was alive, but for how long? What was she supposed to do now? She needed to fix this, she needed to fix her. She couldn’t die, she couldn’t! They were supposed to have a lifetime together! She wasn’t ready! But what was she supposed to do? It felt like her mind was running in circles and she was frozen in place, stuck sobbing over the broken body, unable to help.

It felt like an eternity had passed by the time she heard the alarms, quiet at first but steadily getting louder, louder, piercing through the fog in her mind. There were flashing lights, bouncing off the glittering glass, almost blinding in the night. Several different vehicles pulled up to the wreck, humans flooding out, rushing about. All the gem could do was blink numbly, watching as several humans came over to her and Y/N. She couldn’t process anything they were saying to her, but after some time she understood that they were there to help. She hesitantly let them take Y/N away, feeling like her gem was cracking. She watched them fuss over her, doing all sorts of different things she didn’t understand. She decided to just focus on Y/N’s face, clinging helplessly to her hand. 

She was going to be okay. She had to be okay.

It was when they were headed towards the hospital that her mind finally unstuck itself and she took out her phone.

-------------------------------------------------------------

It was late when Steven’s phone rang, shattering the silence of his bedroom and forcing him away from a pleasant dream. He struggled to shake off sleep and will his arm to move. By the time he finally managed to roll over and grab blindly for his phone, it had stopped ringing. He groaned as the bright light hit his face, blinking at the screen till his eyes adjusted. 

He frowned, looking at the list of missed calls, all from Spinel. He sat up, worry clawing at his throat. Spinel almost never called, but as he scrolled through he saw that she had called almost thirty times in the last half hour. 

He was out of his bed in an instant, shoving his jacket on one-armed as he called back. He was running down the stairs and calling for Lion when Spinel picked up.

“S-Steven?”

Her voice was shaky and broken like she had been crying and he had no doubt that was exactly what she was doing.

“Spinel! Are you okay? Where are you? I’m on my way.”

The gem was struggling to speak, words broken by pained sounds and sobs.

“I … I’m … h-hospital.”

“Got it, I’ll be just a few seconds, meet me out front, okay?”

He didn’t get an answer. Spinel just hung up.

Thankfully, Lion wasn’t too far away and with his warp ability, it took only seconds to get to the hospital. He rushed in, looking this way and that for any sign of the pink gem through the crowd of the lobby. He spotted her as she ran in through some hallway and his heart dropped. 

She looked different. Her form had changed. Her pigtails had been replaced with a single ponytail and her clothes were a lot more human-like. What startled him the most was the patches of what looked like blood. 

She didn’t say anything when she saw him, just grabbed his arm and pulled him along, running faster than any human ever could. They stopped outside a room in the ICU and Steven gasped at the sight.

It was Y/N, looking absolutely dreadful. There were so many wires and bandages, nurses hovering over her. Her face looked blank, covered by the oxygen mask and a dark purple and blue bruise. If it wasn’t for the heart monitor that beeped irregularly, he would have thought she was dead.

Spinel looked at him expectantly, desperation and worry clear on her face, eyes rimmed red from crying, tears still threatening to spill.

“Please …”

Her voice was soft, tired, and broken, and Steven knew exactly what she meant. 

He walked to the bed, trying not to get in the nurses’ way, and gave Y/N a kiss on her forehead. Spinel was by his side in an instant, watching the human closely and holding her hand tight as Steven’s healing ability did its work.  The relief that washed over the gem was overwhelming and she couldn’t stop the tears that washed down her face once more. In only moments the human’s heart settled and the bruises faded. 

The nurses were amazed at the sudden change, but that mattered little to Spinel. She ignored them even as they rushed around the bed checking this and that. All she wanted was to see those beautiful eyes again, nothing else mattered. It didn’t take long before her wish was granted. Slowly, Y/N blinked her eyes open and Spinel felt like she was going to collapse from the relief and emotional exhaustion. 

“Oh thank goodness…” she muttered, beaming down at Y/N. “I was so worried I’d lost you.”

She blinked up at the gem but didn’t say anything. Even as the nurses fussed, she kept her eyes locked on the gem’s own pink ones. It was only after the nurses left that she even bothered to look around the room, no longer held down by countless wires. She looked confused, lost.

“Wha-what happened?”

“I could ask the same thing.” Steven said, looking at Spinel pointedly.

“We got in a car crash. Some jerk ran into us with his truck.”

Steven winced and nodded. 

“Yeah, that would do it.”

Spinel sighed and smiled softly at Y/N. 

“I’m just glad we managed to make it out okay.”

But Y/N still looked confused. Spinel frowned.

“Are you okay, hun? Does it still hurt anywhere?”

She shook her head.

“No, nothing hurts.”

But something was clearly wrong. Tears started welling up in her eyes and when Spinel tried to wrap her up and comfort her she all but shoved the gem away.

“I’m sorry,” she said, starting to shake as the beginnings of a panic attack gripped her. “I’m so sorry. I don’t remember. I don’t remember anything.”

----------------------------------------

It took longer than usual to calm her down. Spinel felt so helpless. She couldn’t wrap the human up and ground her and she barely responded to her words at all. She did eventually calm down, thankfully.

But that was only a small thing compared to what they had to handle next.

“Can you tell me what you remember?” Spinel asked, doing everything she could think of to stay calm. She needed to be there for Y/N right now, not break down as she might once have done. 

Y/N shook her head, still distressed. 

“I don’t know, it’s all really foggy. I think I remember being in college?”

Spinel nodded.

“Okay doll, do you rememba’ your graduation?”

She thought for a moment, then nodded slowly. 

“Yeah, I remember that. I had a fight with my parents after the ceremony. I was planning to move away.”

“Do you rememba’ where you ended up going?”

She thought again, this time for a lot longer before shaking her head.

“No…”

They decided to get the doctor to look her over, but no cause was found. The best guess they were given was head trauma. There was nothing they could do.

Spinel refused to leave till visiting hours were over. The doctor wanted to keep an eye on Y/N, so she was forced to stay the night alone, which did not sit well with the gem. It had been a while since they spent the night apart.

They managed to get through the labrynth-like halls and into a waiting room before Spinel suddenly stopped, leaning heavily against one of the chairs. 

“Spinel, are you okay?”

She shook her head weekly, almost collapsing into the chair. She was crying, trying to suppress the sobs that bubbled in her chest. Steven sat next to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“Hey, it’ll be okay. We’ll find a way to work through this somehow. It’s still Y/N.”

Spinel shook her head, arms wrapping around herself, trying to keep herself together. It did little to stop the strangled sob that escaped her lips. Steven gave her a tight hug, one she couldn’t bring herself to return.

“I’m sorry, it’s just…” She shook her head again, arms tightening around her body. It felt like she was about to explode.

“It feels like I’ve lost her…”

-------------------------------------------------------------

Spinel was determined to get Y/N’s memories back, one way or another. 

They went home to their small apartment. Spinel hoped that something there might jog her memory. She watched eagerly as the human looked around, taking in everything.

“So, this is where I live now?”

“Sure are. You told me you liked it ‘cause it’s close to the beach and rent’s really cheap.”

She nodded, starting to wander through the apartment. 

“It’s so cozy here.”

But she didn’t remember anything. So Spinel took her out and showed her around the town. Maybe something there would jog her memory?

Y/N loved the town, but Spinel already knew she would. Still, it was kind of adorable. She just got so excited about everything!

“It’s so cute! I love it!” She squealed as they walked down the Boardwalk.

“Ya know, we would come here all the time.” Spinel said, a sad smile on her face as she remembered all the nights they spent walking and talking. “You liked it most at night cause of all the lights.”

She looked at the gem with a familiar sparkle in her eyes, smile wide.

“We’ll have to come back later then.”

Yes, maybe that would help more. But until then …

“Let’s go to the arcade.”

“They have an arcade!!”

-----------------------------------------------------------------

It was a long and busy day, to say the least. Spinel pulled Y/N around everywhere, from one side of town to the other, but nothing seemed to work. 

They ended up on Lighthouse Hill, watching the sunset. Y/N marveled at the sight, admiring the colors and how the light reflected off of the ocean. Spinel didn’t see any of it. She was too caught up in her own mind. What else might work? How was she going to get her memories back?

The gem jumped when a hand touched her shoulder.

“Hey, you doing okay?”

Spinel forced a smile and shrugged her off.

“Nothin’s wrong doll, don’t worry about it.”

But Y/N was hit with just how wrong her smile looked. She didn’t know how she knew, she never was all that good at judging people’s emotions, but she still somehow knew. She frowned at the gem. 

“Just tell me.”

“Nothing’s wrong.” She insisted, but her smile was even more forced than before. Y/N stared her down till she finally broke and let out a long sigh.

“Alright, alright…” she said, deflating slightly, shoulders drooping. “Ya got me. Ya always was good at that.”

Y/N scooted closer to the gem and waited

“I’m just worried, I think. I’m worried you’ll never get your memories back and … I’ll be alone again.”

Y/N hummed, thinking over what she said.

“Well, I’m not sure whether or not I ever will get my memories back, but I’m not sure it really matters if I do. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all very confusing and there’s just so much about myself I’ve gotta learn now, but … At the very least, I can trust my own decisions.”

Spinel couldn’t bring herself to look at the human. She felt a gentle hand on her cheek, forcing her to look into the other’s eyes and she felt like she was melting under the warmth of her gaze.

“I can see why I fell in love with you.”

Oh stars, she was going to cry. Spinel felt so warm and light like she might float away if Y/N ever let her go. 

Spinel leaned in close and kissed her, wrapping her in her arms tightly. She could feel the human relax into her touch, kissing her back. They giggled together and traded kisses, content to sit in each others arms.

Spinel decided that maybe they could make some new memories. Maybe that would be enough.

[angelsfalling16]

Snow and The Flame

For the @coexchange, I gifted @carryonincorrectquotes a playlist with the promise of a fic outline, and I am finally delivering that!

Here is the playlist, and the outline is underneath the cut. I decided to preface this with an explanation about what I did, so bear with me for a moment.

The plan was to give them a playlist with a detailed fic outline, but it turns out that my outlines are incomprehensible unless you’re me (and sometimes even if you’re me) so this became more like a speed run through the fic where I half-rambled, half-narrated it along with explanations about which songs fit where.

There are a ton of songs on here because I thought it would be a good idea to pick songs and then figure out what the fic was going to be about, so each song inspired a different moment, and I had to figure out a way to work them all in. (I actually ended up limiting myself to 25 songs so that this wouldn’t end up being too long.)

I decided to break the outline into sections based off of the songs that each part goes with, and there are a few scenes that I went ahead and wrote, which are shared in italics to try to separate it from the rest. I also included some commentary on why some of the songs were chosen.

Basically, this post got really long but hopefully it isn’t too long or confusing, and I hope you all like it!!

(Also, I know that this isn’t technically a full fic, but since it’s over 6k words, I decided to go ahead and post it on ao3 to make it a little easier to peruse.)

Fic Summary: Simon is a superhero, a part of a group of heroes who protect the city. Baz’s family is a crime family, and they don’t care who they hurt. Baz wants a way out of this life, to get out from under his father’s thumb so that he can make his own choices

Some Background/backstory/world building: 

Some people are born with powers, but they don't come into those powers until they are around 11 years old. When they do get those powers, they receive a token of some sort that symbolizes their power and basically gives them their power. If that token is destroyed, they will lose their powers. Luckily, there are only a few ways to destroy them.

Baz was a child spy who fell in love with the boy he was meant to be targeting, but Simon never even had a clue that he was being watched. Baz was very good at what he did, and while he was growing up with Simon. Simon was all alone, an orphaned child with magickal powers who could make it snow on a dry, summer day and bring cold into places where it was meant to be warm. Baz saw him grow up an outcast, all alone, before becoming a hero as he got older, and he couldn’t help but fall deeply, hopelessly in love.

Murder Song

Alright, so the fic starts out with a scene that was inspired by the song Murder song (5, 4, 3, 2, 1) by AURORA. This is one of the scenes that I went ahead and wrote, and yes, it is very angsty, but the entire fic is not like this.

Baz

“You don’t have to do this. You can make a different choice. Killing me isn’t the only option.”

“No, but it is the fun one.” His grin is dark and menacing, and I want to turn and run. But run where? My whole world is right here, his hand to my heart, ready to fill it with ice.

Simon finally caught me, and I am so tired of fighting that I’m ready to just give up.

He removes his hand from my chest, and for a moment, I believe that he has changed his mind about killing me, but then he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a gun, pointing it at my head.

This is it. This is the end.

5...

He’s holding a gun to my head, and he starts to count down. He’s giving me a literal countdown to the moment that he’s going to pull the trigger and end my life. I should be fighting. I should be doing everything in my power to stop him, but all of the fight has gone out of me. I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.

I have no reason to fight anyway.  This is what I deserve. I have hurt too many people during my time on this earth to be given a kinder death. This is already too kind of one.

I deserve to be tortured to within an inch of my life and then be tortured again. I do not deserve a seemingly painless death.

4...

Simon is doing me a service here actually. He could be using his powers to choke all of the life and heat and from my body, slowly draining me of everything that I am, but instead, he’s holding a gun to my head, tears streaming down his face as he stares down at me where I kneel on the ground.

He’s doing it for mercy. He is putting an end to everything that I have suffered for far too long now. He is doing exactly what I want him to.

Still, as I look up at the man that I have loved for so long, my heart shatters in my chest, piercing my body with a spiking pain.

3...

I know that he doesn’t want to hurt me. He’s doing this for me. He’s taking my pain away. He’s drawing it from my body to his with the simple press of a trigger.

Tears burn my eyes, but they aren’t tears of sadness. They’re tears of relief. My pain will be gone in a mere two seconds. It is finally my time to let go, to let the weight of everything wash away as the blanket of death covers me and soothes me into a deep sleep.

2…

The sound of this number brings a facsimile of a smile to my face. I am so close to letting go of all of my pain. I am almost free. Soon, I will feel no more pain. I won’t feel anything anymore, but nothing has got to be better than this vice grip around my chest, suffocating me daily but never taking enough of me to kill me.

I just want to be free. I just want to be able to breathe.

I don’t want to worry about disappointing my family or anyone else.

1...

I have to close my eyes as he gets to 1. I can’t look at him as he does this.

With the second that I have left, I imagine him holding my lifeless body in his arms and crying over my death. The one he delivered but didn’t cause. I imagine for just a moment him caring for me the way that I always hoped he would. I imagine him loving me and mourning the loss of a love he never got to have.

Then, the gun goes off, and I’m gone.

***

I jerk up in bed with a gasping breath, and it takes me a moment to understand what happened.

It was all just a dream, and I’m not sure whether I should be relieved or disappointed. I was so close.

But also in that last moment, as the gun went off, I wondered what would have happened if I had made a different choice. What if I had gone to Simon before it was too late?

I know that he would never help me, but I could turn myself in. At least if I’m locked away, my family can’t force me to hurt anyone anymore. I will be free from them, but I won’t be dead.

I laugh at myself.

Of course I won’t be free. I will never be free from them. They will always come for me. Break me out or kill me for betraying them.

There is no way out of this for me.

 Fight Song – Rachel Platten (cover by KHS and Benjamin Kheng) (If you have time, I highly recommend going and watching the youtube video where they recorded this; it’s pretty cool.)

When Baz wakes up and realizes that it was all a dream, he also realizes that he doesn’t want death to be the answer. If it has to be, it will be a last-ditch option, but he wants to try something else. He thinks Simon could help him. Instead of finding Simon and asking him to kill him, he could ask him for help.

He is deciding to take back his life, making a new life for himself and fighting for a better future, which is where Fight Song comes in. Baz has this whole, long moment where he questions whether any of this is a good idea before he decides that it has to be better than the alternative, which would be his family killing him.

He is going against his family in order to chase after a chance at a better future, one where he gets to live and doesn’t have to hurt people anymore. It won’t be an easy journey, but he is willing to try. He wants his life to be different, and this is where it begins.

 Worlds Collide – Louden Swain

Asking Simon for help might be the hardest thing that Baz has ever done, but he does it. It isn’t all that hard finding the gang of superheroes running around town trying to save the day (because they never take a day off, do they? Baz thinks with mild disgust, wondering what that must be like, trying to save everyone when there will always be evil in the world), and it’s even easier to get Simon alone. All he has to do is hide in the shadows and then yank him into an alleyway.

Of course, Simon thinks it’s some kind of trap at first. (What else is he supposed to think when someone pulls him into a dark alley? Especially when said person is his archnemesis.)

Why would Baz want to suddenly side with the heroes? That’s just it; he wouldn’t. So, this absolutely has to be a trap, and Simon is not going to fall into it. He is prepared for a fight, but that isn’t what Baz wants. That’s quite the opposite of what he is looking for here.

Baz realizes that he only has a short amount of time to convince Simon that he’s telling the truth before someone comes looking for him.

He gets an idea and slips the chain that he’s worn for as long as he can remember from around his neck. It’s the token/source of his power. Simon could easily destroy it, therefore taking away Baz’s power, but Baz trusts him. (Simon is the good guy after all.) He’s still worried, though, because the last person you should give your power token to is your rival, whose one goal in life is to stop you at any cost.

If you’re going to give your token to anyone, it should be the person you love, which Baz supposes Simon fits that bill, too. Baz hates himself for it, but he fell in love with the one person his family has been training him to kill for pretty much his entire life.

Baz has a sick feeling in his stomach as he watches Simon slip the chain around his neck. It clanks against Simon’s own power token, which has been woven into his suit and sits just over his chest. Baz thinks that that’s a rather foolish place to wear it, out in the open where any criminal could easily access it while battling him, because if someone had the right weapon (which Baz’s family does, coincidentally), they could easily hit Simon there and take his powers away from him.

Simon sees Baz eye the two tokens, and he worries for a moment that he might change his mind and make a grab for the both of them, but then his eyes find Simon’s face again.

They then agree to stop fighting each other, and they make an uneasy truce with Baz swearing that he won’t try to hurt Simon – or anyone else – so long as they are working together, and they decide to meet up at a diner in town the next day to talk.

Baz is antsy the entire time, constantly looking over his shoulder, afraid that he might have been followed. Meeting in such a public place probably wasn’t a good idea, but Simon didn’t really give him much of a choice on venues.

They start to talk, and it’s weird how easily they slip into the moment together, their two very different worlds colliding.

It’s almost like in another world, they might have gotten along.

They spend most of their time with Baz explaining to Simon why he wants to leave his family and promising half a dozen more times that he doesn’t plan to turn on him.

When they leave, Simon says that they should meet up again in a few days, so they do, and they continue meeting for a couple of weeks, but eventually, Baz says that they can’t keep meeting up in public like this. Someone from his family might spot them together, and he’ll be in trouble. Or Simon will. Or both. Either way, they cannot be spotted together.

He suggests that they meet up at Simon’s place since Baz is staying with his family, but of course, Simon says absolutely not. He still doesn’t fully trust Baz yet.

Fortunately, Simon knows a place they can go where no one in Baz’s posh family would ever deign to step foot in.

 A Place For Us – Fitz and the Tantrums & Dancing’s Not a Crime – P!ATD

So, there’s some seedy, underground club, and why Simon knows about it, I have no idea. They go there to talk, and for whatever reason, one of them (probably Baz) decides that they would be less likely to be overheard if they went out on the dancefloor and danced together.

Simon is hesitant at first, but Baz turns on that bit of wicked charm and holds his hand out to him, an obvious challenge.

“Come on. Dancing’s not a crime, and it’s not like I’m going to hurt you in front of all these people. Plus, I told you that I wouldn’t.”

“I didn’t realize that this truce included dancing.”

“It does when you don’t want to stand out. You won’t touch any kind of drink, and you won’t dance. You stick out like a sore thumb, and sooner or later someone is going to notice you – and not in a good way.”

Simon chews on his lips as he thinks about it. Finally, he sighs and carefully places his hand in Baz’s, whose expression turns even more wicked, edging towards a smirk, but Simon doesn’t have too much time to think about it before he’s being pulled towards the dancefloor.

Simon tries to keep up a conversation as they dance, but it doesn’t go all that well. The music is too loud, there are too many bodies pressing in around them, Baz doesn’t actually seem all that interested in talking. 

Finally, Simon gives in and just dances with Baz, giving into the music and enjoying himself without any worries for the first time since he can remember. It ends up being really nice to dance together.

 Quarter Past Midnight - Bastille & Criminal - Britney Spears & Accidentally In Love - Counting Crows & First Time He Kissed a Boy - Kadie Elder & Weak - AJR

The club closes at midnight. Neither of them wants to part (even though they don’t actually say that aloud) so they just walk around, weaving around abandoned buildings until they reach the empty streets of downtown. At some point they start running, and they’re laughing and having fun, just enjoying themselves.

After a while, they start to slow, and Baz pulls Simon into another alley, the way he did a couple of weeks ago.

The last time this happened, Simon wondered what he was supposed to expect when he gets pulled into a dark alley by his rival, but this time, he knows exactly what he wants to happen, and it is him who pushes Baz into the wall this time.

But he stops there, with a few mere inches between them, and Simon is silently frustrated.

They stare at each other for a long time before Simon finally kisses Baz.

Then, Simon has a realization about his feelings, which is what the next three songs are about. (and then Weak is a song thrown in to describe how Baz is probably feeling and an allusion to that line in the book when he says he’s weak.) Simon was absolutely not supposed to fall in love with a criminal. He wonders how long he’s felt this way and if he somehow fell deeply for him over the past couple of weeks.

There are a lot of songs for this short scene, but I feel like there is a lot going on with Simon internally. He’s in love and freaking out and kissing a boy for the first time (a very criminal-like boy) and there are so many thoughts circling through his mind that he can’t quite grab onto any particular one to think through it, so he ends up pushing all of the thoughts away and just enjoying kissing Baz.

And then here’s a little moment that I wrote:

Baz

It feels like we’re running, but running from what? Everything? Or nothing? Maybe we just feel free. I do, at least. This is the freest that I have felt in a long time. The most carefree, too.

I’m laughing as we run down street after street, under broken streetlamp after broken streetlamp. I don’t know where we’re going or why we’re running, and I’m too afraid to ask because I don’t want to break the moment.

I don’t want to give Simon a reminder of who I am or why he doesn’t like me, so I just run down the empty streets with him, watching his smile and bouncing curls, pretending for a moment like my life is different.

Like I wasn’t raised to be a villain and like my father isn’t one of the most wanted criminals around. For now, I get to pretend like I grew up normal, with no powers and no bizarre family expectations. I can pretend, just for a little while, that I’m just a guy, not a villain, not a monster.

 Human - Christina Perri

A day or two after the kiss with Simon, Baz decides that it’s time to tell his family about his choice to leave. He knows that his father will not take it well, so he’s relieved when it’s just Daphne at home.

He explains to her his plan to leave all of this criminal business behind, and he says that she should leave it behind as well. She seems open to the idea, but she also seems afraid. Baz is sure that she had no idea what she was marrying into when she met Malcolm and agreed to be his partner, and she probably feels just as trapped as he does.

Baz wants her to stand beside him, but she won’t – she has the kids to worry about and her own life. Baz gets it, but he wishes that there was another way.

He wants his half-siblings to know that there is a choice – they don’t have to be evil. It might be too late for Mordelia – they’re already turning her into a child soldier, the same way they did to him when he was younger – but he can at least try to help the other three kids. He doesn’t want them to end up the way he did, trapped with no way out.

He won’t force Daphne to do something that she is uncomfortable with, so he leaves for now, planning to figure out a way to get them out. He wants them all to have a choice.

Baz goes to talk to Fiona next, and he’s surprised to find his father there.

Apparently, the two of them have a task for him. They’re always giving Baz “tasks”. A bank to rob, a restaurant to terrorize, but the one they give him this time is the one that he has been dreading for years.

They tell him that it is time for him to find the Snow Prince and put an end to him. 

Baz wants to laugh, but he also wants to be sick. If only they knew that Baz had been with him just the other night, had the perfect opportunity to kill him, but he let himself be kissed and held and loved instead. Even though he knew that it might turn out to all be a mistake. Even if Simon probably woke up the next morning with a heart full of regret, wishing that he could take back everything that he said and everything he did that night.

Even if Simon does regret that night, Baz will never be able to kill him.

Still, he knows he won’t be able to change their minds, so he agrees, knowing full well that he won’t go through with it. 

At this point, he should just try running away. Maybe Simon will go with him. That way, Baz might be able to keep him away from his family. Just because Baz leaves, doesn’t mean that his family will suddenly stop going after Simon. They will be after the both of them, and if they’re together, maybe Baz will be able to protect Simon, or put himself between Simon and his family when it is time for them to battle.

At the end of all of this, Baz knows he won’t survive, but maybe, just maybe, he can keep Simon safe.

The song fits in with Baz’s internal thoughts/angst. He’s torn between that old desire to please his family and the new desire for a better life. He wishes he could somehow do both, but he’s only human and can only do so much.

 The Greatest - Sia

Baz leaves immediately to go warn Simon about what his family has planned and to ask him to run away with him, but what he doesn’t know is that it was a set-up. His father and aunt followed him there, and they’re prepared for a fight.

Baz

“So, your cousin was right,” my father says. “He said he saw you leaving some seedy club the other night with the Snow Prince, but I told him he must be mistaken.”

“Dev,” I hiss. Simon was wrong.

There is one person in my family who doesn’t care about their reputation, so of course he would know about that place. I bet he was going there to meet up with Niall. Did he tell our family that? Probably not, because he knows what they do to people who aren’t like us, who don’t have our kinds of power, who are powerless. They don’t want anyone marrying or dating or sleeping their way into our family. They would likely kill him, or at least make him “mysteriously disappear”.

 “I didn’t want to believe him, but here’s the proof. My own son, a betrayer of his family.”

Fiona sneers but stays silent.

I can’t believe that I led them here to Simon. I can’t believe that I put him in danger when all I wanted was to keep him safe.

I look around, trying to find a way out, a way to get Simon out of danger.

There aren’t a lot of ways out of here, and running won’t fix this, but it’s the only option right now.

“Run,” I shout, grabbing Simon’s hand and pulling him after me.

We run out of his apartment and disappear into the night, hand in hand.

This won’t be the end of my father and aunt coming after us. There will be a battle, very soon, and we have to be prepared.

 Crazy Youngsters - Ester Dean, Into the Storm - BANNERS, Someone to You - BANNERS

Simon and Baz join with Penny and the other superheroes and begin planning what they’re going to do. A battle is coming, and unless they all work together, there is no chance of them winning.

Baz tries to go the self-sacrificial route and offers to just turn himself in so that none of them will have to fight, but they aren’t having it. They are all too focused on saving others for their own good. Baz thinks that they would all benefit from finding some sense of self-preservation.

They don’t seem to need Baz’s help. They work like a well-oiled machine as they make a battle plan, and Baz is on the outside of that. He begins to feel like he’s getting in the way, so he starts to walk around, taking in their little home base.

Simon follows him not long after, and this is the first time that they have really gotten a chance to talk since the other night, since they kissed.

Baz once again offers him an out, telling him that he’ll be safer if he isn’t trying to fight Baz’s battles for him. Simon won’t hear any of it, though. He’s going to fight, and Baz can’t stop him.

Then, they have a soft moment. They are fighting for each other, to keep each other safe. Neither of them wants to see the other get hurt, and they would do anything to protect each other.

Simon and Baz get their own BANNERS songs to go with how they’re feeling in this section.

Into the Storm is for Simon because he’s telling Baz that he would do anything, weather any kind of storm, for him. He would do anything for him. If his world is falling apart (which it is) he will be there, and he will follow him into the storm. (Just listen to the words and it gives you what Simon is trying to say to him.)

And then, Someone to You is Baz’s song. He just wants to mean something to someone, especially if that someone is Simon. He wants to be more than a weapon, wants his life to mean more than that. He doesn’t want to die, and he doesn’t want his life to be meaningless. He believes that Simon could lead him to a better life, one where his life will mean something.

 Fight Song - Rachel Platten (a repeat because Baz is once again choosing to fight), I Want to Break Free - Queen, Whatever It Takes - Imagine Dragons, Believer - Imagine Dragons, Titanium - David Guetta ft. Sia (cover by Madilyn Bailey), Elastic Heart - Sia, Angel with a Shotgun - The Cab,

[a/n: my brain kept saying “fight scene, fight scene” even though I don’t think I have ever written a fight scene before, which is why this section is a bit lacking in content, and then all of these songs said that they wanted to be included, so that’s why there are so many for this small section. (If you want to skip over these songs, I won’t blame you, but I feel it’s important to at least listen to Angel with a Shotgun before moving on because it sort of sets up the feeling for the next part.)]

They all meet somewhere for the big fight, and at first, it seems like a pretty evenly matched fight, but bit by bit, Baz’s family starts to win. They’re stronger and better trained. They have been fighting their entire lives and don’t care about who gets hurt.

Baz can see that they’re losing, and he tries to figure out a way for them to win or to get everyone out of here safely.

And then we come to the turning point of the fight…

 How to Save a Life - The Fray (Okay, so, I put on a random Spotify playlist to try to get myself to focus on this outline, and when this song played, I knew that it was exactly what I needed for this scene. Otherwise, I was just going to leave this part song-less which would have been rather unfortunate because it really needed something.)

And I actually wrote this entire scene:

 Baz

We’re losing.

I know it was a long shot to think that a ragtag team of heroes would be able to fight my criminal family and win, but I wanted to believe that we could do it.

Simon is facing off against my aunt, and there is a serious burn on one of his arms. I want to run to him, to stand between him and my aunt - between him and any kind of harm - but I am just barely making it through this battle against my father.

You would think that the plants that he keeps growing to impede me would be useless against my flames, but there is a vine of thorns wrapped around my arm, constricting tighter and tighter, restricting any blood flow. It’s unrooted but still growing.

My arm is beginning to lose feeling, and between the pain from that and the pain from the poison one of his earlier plants hit me with, I can barely control the flames that I’m shooting out at him with my free hand.

The thorny vines reach my hand, sinking a particularly large one into the palm, and I have to grit my teeth to keep in an anguished cry. I will fight to the very last moment. I will not give up or give in.

My father will have to kill me if he wants to stop fighting me.

And it looks like he plans to do just that.

He calls up more vines from the ground to start wrapping around my legs and pulling them together so that I am unable to move. I reach down, calling a flame into my hand, and attempt to burn the vines away, but my power is waning and the small flame that I just manage to draw is not enough.

I’m too weak. I’m going to lose this.

“Give it up, son,” my father says, stepping closer to me.

“Never,” I hiss, and with one last burst of power, I shoot a stream of fire at him.

His sleeve catches fire, but he barely even winces before a heavy rain falls down upon him, just long enough to put out the fire. I can’t see my cousin, but I know that he must be nearby, fighting someone whilst also combating my other move for my father.

The vines have reached my hips now. I can’t move, and I don’t have enough energy to use my power.

With a wicked grin, my father steps forward and reaches out his hand, preparing to press it to my chest and send out his signature venomous plant to take hold and poison me, a slow, painful death. I bare my teeth at him, yanking at the vines that are creeping up my body and completely immobilizing me.

His hand has just about reached my chest when someone throws themself in front of me, obstructing his attack.

“Stop!” My step-mom shouts, and her voice rings out across the battlefield, cutting through the flames and wild wind. Through the snowfall and earth shakes that I had grown used to by this point.

Everyone stops where they are and turns to stare at her.

She wasn’t here before. Her powers are healing and protective in nature. I was sure that she was with the younger children, keeping them away from the battle to end all battles. But here she is now: standing between her husband and stepson.

“Stop fighting,” she says, her words directed at my father.

“Move out of the way. This does not concern you.”

“It absolutely does concern me. If you mean to kill my son, then it is my responsibility to stop you.”

Tears spring to my eyes, and I am uncertain whether it’s from the pain or from her words. She has never called me her son before. I always thought that she saw me as the child she had to put up with and never wanted. I thought she cared for her own children more than she ever would with me.

I was wrong, though, because she is right here, putting herself in harm’s way to protect me.

“If you plan to hurt him, you will have to go through me,” she says, taking up a protective stance in front of me, and I think she means it. She would sacrifice herself to protect me, the same way that I was ready to do for Simon a moment ago.

I feel something wet drip down my face, and I am unsure whether it is blood or tears. I’m starting to feel woozy now. It wouldn’t take much more at this point to end me. It would almost be a kindness.

And now, we have come full-circle. Would it be better to suffer through the pain of my family’s hatred and murderous attacks or to just die now and have it all be over?

I don’t care which one seems better, though.

I only care about what I want. And what I want is a future. A future with Simon and a future away from all of this violence. Which is why I came here to fight today. I came to fight for a future, and now Daphne is helping me fight for that future as well.

“Tell everyone to stand down,” she says. “We shouldn’t be fighting our own family. He is your son for merlin’s sake. That should mean something to you.”

“He stopped being my son the moment he decided to hang out with heroes.”

Even though I knew this would be the case, it hurts to hear him actually say it. In this moment, he is announcing to me and to everyone else that I no longer have a home, that I no longer have a family. I am completely alone.

I glance behind me and am reminded that I am not actually completely alone. Simon and the others may not be related to me by blood, and I may not have known them all for long, but in standing beside me in all of this, they have become my second family. They care more for my safety than my real family does at least.

I am several inches taller than Daphne, so I have a clear view of my father’s expression. He is obviously torn, unsure whether to continue trying to kill me, killing his wife in the process, or let me go, let the family traitor run free.

For a moment, I think that he might actually kill Daphne. There is murder in his eyes, and no one can stop him. But then his stance relaxes and he lowers his hand before signaling to the others to retreat.

The three of us continue to stand there, at the center of a burning battlefield until they have all disappeared back into the woods.

“Go,” Daphne commands, and Malcolm does, giving me one last look before turning away.

Daphne waits until he has disappeared into the trees and still a moment longer before she turns to me. 

She looks me up and down, watching as the vines slowly release me. I can’t tell if that helps or worsens the pain, but at least I’m safe for now.

It’s hard to meet Daphne’s eyes because when I do, I can see her pain written so clearly there. She is still torn, but she made a choice today, one that gives me hope.

“I’m sorry, but I think you have to leave,” she says quietly. “I bought you some time, but I don’t think he’s going to give up forever.”

I nod in understanding. I knew from the beginning that this is how it would end, me being shunned from my family. At least maybe I will have the chance at finally being free of them. 

I am just about to turn away from her and join the others, but I hesitate before stepping forward and wrapping my arms around her in a tight hug. She hugs me back, and I can feel her power washing over me like a warm blanket.

She’s healing all of my wounds. Wiping away the already-forming bruises and closing up the cuts and puncture wounds from the thorns. She wipes away all of the pain, all of it except the ache in my chest.

I whisper a hoarse thank you that isn’t possibly enough, but it’s all that I have. She risked her life to save me, and I will never be able to repay her.

When we pull away, her eyes are wet, but she wears a small smile.

“I’m happy that you’re safe. I love you.”

“I love you, too, mom.” 

I’ve never called her that before. I thought it might be crossing a line, but now I can see that she was there for me all along, even during those times when I thought I was alone. She mothered a child she didn’t have to, a child who was not her own, a child who should have been more grateful.

I feel a wetness stream down my face, and this time, I know for sure that it’s tears.

Today, I gained a future, but I lost my family.

I will miss them, but I know that this is the only choice I have if I want to get through this alive, so with tears in my eyes, I turn to join the others, crossing over to where Simon is and taking his hand.

I don’t turn to watch Daphne leave. It would be too much right now, and I’m not sure that I wouldn’t go running after her.

I will come back someday. I will get Daphne and my siblings out of here, but for now, I am running. I am running to a place where I will hopefully be able to grow stronger and be able to fight my family and win. I may never be able to change the minds of my father and aunt, but I can try to protect the rest of my family.

For now, though, it is time for me to go.

 Burn - Ellie Goulding, On Top Of The World - Imagine Dragons

That may be the end of the fighting, but it is not the end of the story yet, nor even the end of their trouble because just as the heroes join together, looking over each other’s injuries, there is the sound of an explosion.

Baz spins around just in time to watch the edge of the trees go up in flames, a fire burning that could threaten to take out the entire patch of woods.

[a/n: I have no idea why the fight takes place here, except that I wanted the fic to end with them standing on a cliff, looking out over the town, with a fire burning behind the, but then the fire gets put out immediately so…]

He has no doubt that it was his aunt’s doing. She warned him after she and Malcolm caught him with Simon that this is how things would end: in flames. (“One day everything will burn, and your friends will turn on you, thinking it was you. Where will you be then? All alone in a world that hunts you.”)

This is her parting gift, a glimpse at the future that she sees for him.

Baz grimaces at it. His aunt knew that he would not be able to put it out himself, and it was her last opportunity to show his new allies that he is of no use to them. It isn’t until this moment that Baz sees the absolute truth of it. Maybe he should just go now, leave them all before anyone can get hurt because of him.

But then Simon squeezes his hand and smiles at him as he says, “It’s alright. I’ve got this. We’re a team now, remember?”

Maybe this won’t be so bad after all. They may be opposites in some respects, but that just makes them stronger together, playing off of each other’s strengths to fight whatever is thrown their way.

As Simon puts out the fire, Baz allows himself to feel a bit of relief and even some hope. Maybe there’s a chance for them after all. Yes, they’ll have to start all over, but at least he won’t be constantly worried about being killed. 

Standing there triumphant and with Simon standing beside them, Baz can’t help but smile a bit.

He feels like he’s on top of the world. But also like he could reach over and hold the world in my arms.

He finally has everything that he has ever wanted when he never thought he could ever be this happy, never that he could have anything that he wanted.

Baz is so glad that he was wrong. He’s free now, and they can go anywhere. He wonders if Simon has ever traveled before…

***

A/N: And that’s the story. I hope you all enjoyed it, and I would love to hear your thoughts :)

[jamkookies]

Bad influence

Description :  A trip to Malta for the shooting of Bon Voyage seems peaceful enough until the moment things take an unexpected turn...

Word count : 2.2k

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You’d held him like a child.

He hadn’t been able to say anything else, the unspoken words threatening to break him down.

So you had held him, swallowing back your tears for his sake and rocking him back and forth.

You hadn’t pushed him to talk any further, scared of making him relive the experience all over again.

Some moments later, the nurses had come into the room and urged him to use the wheelchair and he had never left your eyes for a second, even when the door closed behind him.

You were now left with a feeling of emptiness that no other person could fill.

You just couldn’t wrap your head around the fact that he had killed a person for you.

A despicable, evil, but living person nonetheless.

Just how far could Jungkook go for your sake? you thought.

“I hope you’re feeling better by now.”

You turn your head to the side and see Manager Sejin sitting on the same chair.

You hadn’t even noticed him, too absorbed into the swirling vortex of thoughts in your mind.

There’s a smile on his lips but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Good. Then we can continue.”

He pulls his chair close to your bed and props his elbows on his knees.

“You do realize you have caused us a lot of trouble, right?” he begins.

You fail to look him in the eye as the embarrassment of recent events causes heat to rise in your face.

“I know and I am really sorry.”

“Just being sorry isn’t enough, though. I would’ve let you off the hook if you had brought these things only to yourself but the problem is, you haven’t.

You’ve made the other members get caught up into your situations.”

As you slowly raise your head, you notice that this isn’t just a normal scolding session. Sejin wasn’t gonna let this go with just a couple of warnings.

The guy was serious about this and you had to admit, he was right.

Jungkook had had to kill someone because of you.

You wished you had died instead.

“First, I get notified by the bodyguards that you had thrown a tantrum at the beach, unnecessarily looking for Jimin when he was safe and sound just a little further. Then, you get drunk as a skunk, making us delete all the footage ,and let’s not even mention the childish swearing and cussing.”

You open your mouth to say something, but no words come out.

What could you possibly tell him?

He was right about everything.

“Did you know what Jungkook had to do? He said that when the man came back, he tried to kidnap you again. While they were brawling, Jungkook had

grabbed a rock and smashed it into his skull.”

You stare at him, mouth agape.

Jungkook…

“He was in a state of shock because of what he’d done, but he managed to pull himself together for you. And you don’t even know what he went through because you’ve been unconscious for two days”.

He sighs and lowers his tone a little bit, trying not to get too carried away.

“I know that not everything that happened is your fault. Jungkook said he was the one who pushed you to go out of the bodyguards’ sight, but that doesn’t justify your actions.

You should realize that the boys, especially Jungkook, tend to be more reckless when they’re around you. I don’t know if it is to prove you something or just because they want to.”

He glares at you with daggers shooting from his eyes.

“I also noticed that you’ve become rather close with him.”

You duck your head again in shame. He had almost caught you red-handed a while ago.

“Listen, Y/N. I’m going to be honest with you. You’re really good at your job. You can sing, dance and perform perfectly, but you’re no good for the boys.

You’re a bad influence.”

There they were.

The words you had been expecting.

You’d figured out that it was a matter of time before he’d say them.

You muster up the courage to raise your head as a final act of maintaining your dignity.

There’s no emotion in your words - no hate, no hard feelings. Just pure professionalism.

“I’m really sorry about everything. I’ll pack up my bags as soon as they remove my bandages.”

He nods once and you can’t help but almost cringe at his sigh of obvious satisfaction.

“It was nice knowing you, Y/N-ssi.” he says and offers a hand for you to shake on.

You extend yours and fight the urge to squeeze it harder than you have to.

He rises from his seat and leaves the room.

You felt like someone had ripped a chunk from your heart and shredded it to pieces.

No more concerts, no more shows, no more shooting, no more fun time spending with the boys.

No more family.

It was time for you to leave the group.

* * *

“So, what was so urgent that you called all of us here?”

You’re stalling for time, not knowing how to say it to them, and Namjoon wasn’t making it any easier with those pretty eyes of his boring into you.

“I have been thinking a lot lately.” you say. “And I’ve noticed that there are so many things that I have to fix.”

“Like what?” Jin asks.

“My life. It’s pretty much in shambles right now.”

“Uh-oh, I think the nurses must have put something into her medicine.” Taehyung says.

“I’m not joking, hyung. This is serious.”

“Is this because of the accident? We thought you’d gotten over it by now.” Jimin approaches you with worried eyes.

“It’s not just that. Everything I’ve done has gone for the worse and I don’t feel well.”

“Is there something bothering you? Are you sick?”

“No, I just-”

“What exactly are you trying to say?” Namjoon insists.

“I’m saying that I need to take a break.”

“For how long?” Yoongi asks.

“Forever.”

“What?!” Taehyung exclaims.

The others echo him and you’re left with their constant buzzing into your ears, words that you can’t discern.

“What do you mean by forever? Is this some kind of joke?”

You say nothing.

“Y/N, we know you feel bad about what Jungkook did but it was not your fault.”

Jimin looks at you sympathetically and you almost drop your guard, almost tell him that it was not your choice, that you had to do this because of them.

You’d realized they wouldn’t let you go if you told them the truth so you had to improvise. Let them think you were leaving the group to satisfy your own ego. Be selfish for once.

It was the only way they could carry on without you.

“I know that, hyung. But I don’t feel like doing this anymore. I think I’m gonna do things on my own from now on.”

Hurt flashes in his eyes and you can feel your heart being shattered into a million pieces.

“You wanna go solo?” Jin asks.

You still say nothing.

“But we’ve been together for so long.” Taehyung pleads.

They look at you expectantly, begging for you to at least show some emotion, except for Namjoon, who can’t seem to take his distrustful eyes off of you.

Damn him and his 148 IQ.

You muster up the courage as you try to keep your voice from shaking.

“It’s time I leave the group.”

“You what?!”

You snap your head towards the voice and you suddenly wish for the floor to split open and swallow you whole.

Jungkook is standing on the doorway, flabbergasted at your declaration.

He closes the distance in three long strides, instantly at the side of the bed.

For a moment you forget about everything and almost cry in relief at his improvement. There was still a hint of limping but he was walking just fine.

“Tell me this is a joke.”

“I…”

“Y/N.”

“I’m not joking.”

It’s like all of his face loses its pigment, and he just stares at you, speechless.

Then, two droplets of tears slide from his cheeks to his chin.

You’d never seen him cry since debuting.

“After all we got through, you’re giving up now? You wanna chase after your dreams? Huh? Is that what you wanna do?”

“Jungkook, please…”

“Why now? Why now out of all times?” His voice cracks and it’s the most heartbreaking sound you’ve ever heard.

You can’t do this anymore.

You have to get out, get away before the truth spills from your lips.

On the verge of tears, you rip the blanket off of you and start clawing at the tubes attached to your arms.

“Y/N, what are you doing - ” you hear the others say, but you can’t stop.

Out.

You had to get out.

Jungkook grips you by your forearm with pleading eyes but you shake him off.

Out.

“Are you okay?”

“Y/N, I’ll call the nurses-”

“Just let her go”. Namjoon’s voice.

In nothing but your hospital gown, you make your way out of the room.

* * *

The continuous chirping of the birds doesn’t do anything to calm the raging storm of emotions in you. You felt conflicted, having to choose between playing the bad guy and being truthful.

You hated it with all your might but there was nothing else you could do.

It had come to this.

“Int tajjeb?” the nurse asks you in Maltese.

“Iva. Grazzi.”

At least the week spent here had proven to be worthy of something.

You’d managed to learn some basic phrases and you could understand that she had just told you if you were okay now.

The nurse offers you a smile and scuttles away, tending to another patient.

You take a deep breath of the crispy air and let it sink in.

The bench you were sitting on and your lack of undergarment beneath the gown didn’t do anything to shield you from the cold breeze.

Oh, how you wished you could let everything go to hell.

You were sick and tired of it.

What were you gonna do from now on?

Where were you gonna go?

Just go back to your parents in shame, with not a single decent excuse to why you had left?

Absolutely not.

You feel a jacket being thrown around your shoulders and you lift your eyes to see Hoseok’s head above you, wearing an apologetic smile.

“Thanks.” you barely a whisper.

He takes a seat next to you and stares ahead.

“You know, I’ve only seen Jungkook cry before we debuted.” he says in a low, cautious voice. “I was going through a lot and I decided to leave the group. The kid started bawling his eyes out. I don’t think he ever cried like that for his parents.”

You nod, remembering all too well the exact look on his face when Hoseok had claimed his farewell.

He turns his head now, looking at you dead in the eye.

“Jungkook loves you, Y/N. We all know that.”

You almost choke by the straight-forwardness of his words

“And I know you’re not really interested in starting a solo career. You think we’re dumb?”

“But I-”

He stops you with a palm raised in front of him.

“I don’t want to hear it. But just know,

Y/N, that Jungkook doesn’t deserve to experience this for the second time.”

You gulp harshly and the sting of your next lie makes your throat hurt.

“Well, then tell Jungkook that I also have a life to live.”

It was over.

You were never gonna go back to how it was before.

The words had been said and the damage had been made.

All of it intentionally.

If he wasn’t gonna fall for your previous lies, then he would definitely buy this.

He doesn’t say anything but the shock is quite visible on his face.

He nods once and leaves without looking back.

The jacket slips from your shoulders and along with it, the fake mask of your pretension.

* * *

The heavy suitcase weighs you down and it’s all you can do not to scrape it on the floor.

Clad in new, comfortable clothes you make your way towards the room with the number 215 on it.

You can’t get rid of the nervousness that has taken hold of you, no matter how hard you try.

With shaking hands, you put the suitcase on the ground and crack the door open, careful not to make a sound.

He’s laying on his back, wrapped up in the blankets, eyes closed.

You grimace, trying to hold in the whimper that rises in your throat.

Feet light as a cat, you approach the bed, obviously too small for him as his legs were sticking out of the frame.

If only you knew how much I love you.

If only you knew how I wish we could stay like this forever.

You bend down and press a feather-light kiss on his forehead.

The last time you’ll ever look at him like this, drinking him in, savoring the feeling of his image behind your eyelids.

He was gonna hate you with all his might, you knew that.

You knew it and you still did what you had to do.

As long as he is safe.

As long as they are safe.

You take backwards steps and close the door behind you, your heart now a shattered mess.

[theworldofotps]

Night Terrors

~Trigger Warning Included~

Pairing: Fergal Devitt x Reader Word Count: 2,046 Description: Memories of an abusive relationship cause the reader to have horrible night terrors. The first time Fergal stays over he offers comfort the best he can.

Requested by: @writtingrose  Here you go baby, I really hope this meets your request I did the absolute best that I could. Thank you for asking me to write this one I hope I did it justice.❤️️ 

Warning: Angst, mentions/description of abuse ~~~~~~~~~ This is one that I wanted to be just right as it does contain a topic that is very serious and sensitive to some people. If you or someone you know is dealing with an abusive situation please please seek help from someone if you can.❤️️❤️️

~~~~~~~ Trigger Warning: Mentions of physical and verbal abuse. Please, I am begging you and telling you right now.  Do Not Read This If You Could Be Triggered By Any Of It.  I have plenty of other Finn/Fergal One Shots in my Masterlist in my bio. ~~~~~~~~~ ___________ If you want yourself removed from this specific one just send me a message and I’ll take it off I don’t want anyone to be triggered or upset. Tag list:  @writtingrose​ @biforbecky2belts @sjwrites22 @detectiveramen @sassymox @demonkingsangel @the-beastslayers-queen @thewrestlingwarehouse @new-zealand-chic @reigns420 @sassyspacedust

If you wanna be added to my tag list lemme know! _________  Fixing the bedspread you adjust the pillows making sure they were fluffed not noticing the amused look on your friend's face.

"Calm down y/n it's not like Fergal is coming to judge the comfy feeling of your pillows."

"I know but this is the first time he's staying over since we got together I want everything to be perfect."

"Trust me he's going to be happy."

Pam smiles watching you continue to fix up your room trying to be sure it was good letting out a dramatic sigh grabbing your hand. Pulling you from the room she leads you from your room down to the dining room.

"Sit."

She demands softly going into the kitchen plopping in the chair you rub a hand over your face. After a few minutes, Pam comes back with two cups of your favorite drink setting the glass in front of you she grabs the chair beside you.

"What has you so worried about Fergal?"

"It's not so much Fergal himself I just don't want him to be bored or disappointed in having me for a girlfriend. Pam, I can't go through hearing that thrown at me not again and especially not by Fergal."

"He isn't like that y/n I promise Fergal is a sweetheart and would never hurt you like that. He adores you so much and wouldn't ever do what y/ex/n did to you."

"Oh Pam, he's been so great and patient but I can't help the part of me that's waiting for him to become horrible. Or I mess it all up I just I'm trying to work through it so I can be really happy."

"Y/n what you went through was awful and it could take a long time for you to move forward. But every day is a new step towards progress and trust me Fergal is going to be the best person to come into your life."

She smiles giving your hand a squeeze giving her a nod you finish the rest of your drink. When she has to leave you bid her a farewell washing what few dishes there are deciding to sit and watch something until Fergal showed up. Spending twenty minutes watching a random show a knock at the door causes your heart to jump to your throat. Partly in fear but mainly in excitement when you met Fergal two years ago you never thought you'd end up dating especially after your last disastrous relationship yet here you were coming up on three months together. With him traveling so much for work it's the first time he's stayed the night with you and not have to leave early in the morning for a flight. Walking to the front door you pull it open smiling at the charming Irishman clutching flowers in his hands.

"Hello, Fergal."

"Hello, darlin thanks for having me over."

He grins pressing a soft kiss your lips holding the flowers out when he pulls away from you.

"I got these for ya though you might like em I know they're your favorite."

"They're beautiful babe thank you come on in and make yourself at home while I put these in a vase."

Waving him off to the living room you walk into the kitchen grabbing a vase filling it up with water and placing the flowers inside. smiling as you gently touch a pedal you take a deep breath before turning and walking back to join Fergal.

"I don't bite."

He chuckles when you stand in the doorway your cheeks heating up as you walk over sitting next to him. Pressing a kissed your temple Fergal wraps his arm around you gently pulling you into his side. Telling yourself to relax you rest your head on his chest letting out a soft sigh. Despite being so muscular Fergal was so comfortable to rest on his hand rubbing your back had you relaxing into him even more.

"So my darling what is the plan for tonight?"

"I was thinking maybe we could get takeout and watch a movie there is a healthy menu for my favorite restaurant I know how you like to eat healthily."

"That sounds great and thank you for taking my likes into consideration."

Fergal chuckles kissing the top of your head letting you up so you can go and get the menu to order from. Grabbing your phone you both search then menu together settling on chicken curry and breadsticks. Ordering the food you sit back into his arm handing the remote to Fergal with a smile.

“You can pick whatever you’d like I have plenty of movies to pick from.”

“How about a sort of comedy or action?”

Searching through the movies he comes to The Mummy turning to look at you with a smile.

“This one okay?”

“I love this movie yeah go ahead and click it.”

Pressing play Fergal sets the remote down wrapping his arm around you pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head. Curling into his side your eyes go to the screen as you slowly allow yourself to relax. Pausing the movie only long enough to pay for the food when it arrives the two of you sit enjoying the first and second movie of the series.

“You sit here enjoying this I’m going to go wash the few dishes there are.”

“Oh, Ferg you don’t have to do that.”

“I want to just stay here and relax.”

Walking to the kitchen Fergal starts whistling leaving you to sit on the couch and continue watching the movie. Sliding under the blanket you pulled from the back of the couch you wrap yourself up resting your head on one of the cushions.

~Dream where abuse is mentioned read with caution~ “Seriously Y/n can’t you do anything fucking right can you?!”

“I’m I’m sorry I didn’t mean to spill it.”

“You just love to piss me off don’t you?”

He spits in anger watching as you crouch on the floor next to the broken glass shattered across the floor. The liquid now staining the cream-colored rug an ugly yellow-brown color which would be hard as hell to remove. Biting your lip and keeping your eyes low to the ground although you knew it was inevitable the backhand still startled you. A silent yelp and flinch as you hold your now stinging cheek trying your best to keep from tearing up. Keeping your head bowed you try to keep from letting the gruff sound of your throat show.

“I’m sorry for spilling it I promise it was an accident.”

Letting out a sigh he kneels beside you resting a hand on your shoulder you hated how you had to fight the urge to keep from flinching.

“You know I hate having to do that to you?”

Simply nodding you keep your gaze on the floor as he presses a kiss to your temple then standing again.

“Clean this mess up.”

Grabbing the broom you start sweeping up the glass carefully stepping around him to dump it in the trash. His figure soon shifting from standing in your kitchen to a completely different scene you were standing off in the bedroom. The lamp knocked over the bed a mess as he paces back and forth anger darkening his expression.

“I don’t know why I even put up with you and your bullshit I swear you fuckin love to do anything to make me mad. Is that it Y/n you like being hit? You like being shoved around because you sure piss me off enough to get that reaction.”

Backing away when he walks closer you shake your head begging him to just leave you alone you hated the anger in his eyes. Hated how just one look from him could send your ice cold and fear running through your veins.

“I just thought.”

“There is no need for you to think I do enough thinking for both of us.”

“You don’t have to be so angry.”

You mutter under your breath hoping he won’t hear it but luck isn’t on your side as he stops glaring at you.”

“Wanna repeat that again?”

“Not really.”

“Repeat it.”

Taking a deep breath you open your mouth to speak head reeling back at the backhand that connects you could hear your teeth snap together. Tears filling your eyes as you slide down to the floor. You feel hands grab your arms shaking you as you beg him to stop begging for him just to leave you alone. ~Dream fades out~ “Y/n!”

Shooting up off the cushion heart racing you look around the darkened room tears dripping down your face. Flinching when you feel a hand on your face your gaze meets Fergal’s concerned blue one his hand hovering gently above your shoulder.

“What happened?”

“You were crying out in your sleep jerking around so I woke you up.”

Tryin to catch your breath you wipe your cheeks flinching when Fergal goes to push the hair back from your face.

“What the hell were you dreamin about love?”

“Awful stuff.”

You sniffle wiping your face pushing the blanket off your lap Fergal goes into the kitchen soon coming back with a glass of water.

“Do you wanna go up to bed?”

He asks you nod slipping off the couch leading the way up to your room as you try shaking the terrors from your mind. Changing into a pair of shorts and tee-shirt you clean yourself up washing your face then brushing your teeth.

“The bathroom is free.”

You tell Fergal who’s standing looking out your window getting under the blankets you let out a sigh of relief at the cool feeling of the sheets against your heated skin.

“If you would rather be alone sweetheart I would understand.”

Fergal says softly coming back from the bathroom you look at him the worry evident on his face.

“You don’t have to leave please.”

“Do you want to talk about your dream you might feel better?”

Thinking for a moment you nod your head pulling back the blankets for him to crawl in next to you.

“Can I hold you?”

“Please?”

You ask softly Fergal holds his arms out so you can move at your own pace a kiss pressed to your cheek as you crawl onto his lap his arms secure around you. Resting your head on his chest you play with his fingers as you sort through your thoughts.

“Before you, I had gotten out of a horrible relationship he was awful so rude always angry and abusive.”

You feel Fergal tense under you gently turning your gaze to meet his as he looks confused.

“He what? What kinda person could ever think it was okay or justified to do that to another being?”

Shrugging you sighed you had no clue why taking a few moments more you start telling him about your dreams. As you speak you feel Fergal’s hands rub your side and hip trying to comfort you the best he could. His arms holding you slightly tighter but not in a way that scared you but in a way that made you feel safer than you had in a long time.

“What a complete prick nobody should be forced to go through that.”

“For the longest time, I thought it was my fault that I was weak.”

“Oh Y/n I hope you don’t still feel that way it was not your fault that happened to you and you aren’t weak for it happening. Someone who was supposed to keep ya safe to love ya went and broke your trust. He stepped over a boundary that never should have been crossed that’s awful and I’m so sorry you went through that.”

“I’m just happy he’s outta my life for good and locked away for good.”

Cupping your cheek and gently stroking it Fergal presses a kiss to your lips gently to keep from spooking you.

“Please just know I will never ever hurt you like that I promise on my life I want to keep you safe.”

Laying you back down Fergal wraps his arm securely around your waste watching you.

“If you need me I’m right here okay I’ll always be here.” _______ Well, this one hit a bit differently, thanks for reading. ❤️️

[broomballkraken]

Title: Never Really Over, Chapter 2: Never Say Never

Fandom: Fire Emblem: Three Houses

Pairing: Sylvain/Lorenz

Word count: 3038

Warnings: None

Summary: A year after Sylvain left him, Lorenz is as busy as ever, helping to govern Gloucester territory. A Roundtable meeting is held at the Gloucester Estate, and Hilda tags along with her brother so that she can visit her best friend. However, she brings with her some grave news, but Hilda is not about to let Lorenz make the biggest mistake of his life.

“Are you enjoying the tea, Hilda?”

“Yeah, it’s great. Thanks, Lorenz.”

Lorenz smiled as he lifted his own teacup to his lips, taking a long sip and sighing contently as the delicious tea spread warmth through his chest. It had been too long since he had been able to sit down and reminisce with his best friend. Lorenz had been overjoyed when he received a letter from Hilda, informing him that she was going to be accompanying her brother Holst, as he was needed for a Roundtable meeting that was currently being held in the large meeting rooms of the Gloucester Estate.

“It really has been too long since we have seen each other. How is everything in Goneril territory?” Lorenz asked. Hilda shrugged, leaning back in her chair as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“Eh, the same as always. Things with Almyra have settled down a lot, and I’ve been toying with the idea of opening some sort of shop to sell my accessories.”

“Ah! Wonderful! You always did have a knack for creating beautiful jewelry and such. You will have to let me know when you officially open for business, because I want to be first in line to peruse your wares.”

“Alright, but no window shopping. You have to promise to buy something.” Hilda said, grinning as Lorenz chuckled.

“I will keep that in mind.”

“So…” Hilda said, her demeanor turning oddly serious as she set her empty teacup down, “Have you heard the news from the former Kingdom?”

“No. I have been busy dealing with Gloucester business lately. Why? Has something serious happened?” Lorenz said, a frown crossing his face as he moved to refill Hilda’s cup.

“Well, I’ve heard from a pretty reliable source that two of our former classmates are engaged to be married.”

“That’s wonderful! Please, tell me who?”

“It’s...Ingrid, and…” Hilda hesitated, munching on a pastry and averting her gaze. Lorenz tilted his head at her, curious about her odd behavior. She finally let out a deep sigh and looked back at him.

“Sylvain.”

Hilda winced as the teapot fell from Lorenz’s hands, hitting the table and shattering to pieces. Hot tea spilled everywhere and Lorenz jumped to his feet with an absolutely horrified look on his face. Sylvain was...getting married?

“H-Hilda, I'm terribly sorry!” Lorenz exclaimed as he frantically began trying to pick up the broken pieces of the teapot. His trembling hands caused him to keep dropping them, however, and his breathing became erratic as he tried to stay calm. Had Sylvain...truly moved on?

“Lorenz,” Hilda said, and Lorenz felt her hands grab his arms firmly. He squeezed his eyes shut and took in a deep, shaky breath, letting it out slowly.

“Sit down.” Hilda continued, gently pushing down on his arms until he lowered himself back into his chair. Hilda then moved to clean up the mess, and Lorenz held his head in his hands, tears starting to well up in his eyes. It had been almost a year to the day since Sylvain left him, and not a day went by where Lorenz did not think of him. He wondered where he was, what he was doing, and if he was happy, or absolutely suffering deep down like Lorenz was. His broken heart had never mended, and now Lorenz did not know if it would ever heal, knowing that Sylvain was going to be married to someone else.

“Lorenz,” Hilda said, her warm hands taking Lorenz’s trembling ones as he lifted his head, tears starting to spill down his cheeks. Hilda had moved her chair from the other side of the table so that she was now sitting right in front of him, her knees bumping against his. She started massaging the backs of his hands with her thumbs, and she continued, “You should know that their marriage was arranged by their fathers.”

“...Arranged…” Lorenz mumbled, a wave of relief passing through him. Wait, why was he so relieved? Sylvain left him. That was that. There was no way that Lorenz would ever be with him again, so it was a false relief.

“It...it does not matter, we-” he started, but Hilda cut him off with a groan.

“Ugh, don’t give me that, Lorenz. You dropped a whole teapot when I told you. And you’re crying.” she said, plucking Lorenz’s handkerchief from the pocket on his shirt and using it to dab the tears from his cheeks. “You still care for him.”

“B-But…” Lorenz choked out, as fresh tears started falling down his face. She was right. No matter how many times he tried to bury his feelings, deep down, he knew that the love he held for Sylvain would never go away. It hurt so much, but what could he do about it now?

“If it makes you feel any better, my reliable source said that both Ingrid and Sylvain are totally against the marriage.” Hilda said. Lorenz did feel a bit better at that, but it still did not change anything.

“And, from what you told me about the...incident, Sylvain only left you after your jerk-head father voiced his disapproval. There’s a good chance he only left you because you were threatened with being disinherited.” Lorenz winced at the reminder of that terrible day. His father had been extremely harsh, and the thought of not becoming the next Count Gloucester scared him. His whole life, Lorenz had been raised and prepped to become the next head of his family. He had been so, so sure that that was what he wanted in life. But now, without Sylvain here with him, that future seemed more like a nightmare than a dream come true.

“Lorenz,” Hilda said, her gaze softening as she gave his hands a squeeze, “your father is going to be dead and gone long before you are. Are you really going to let him force you into making the biggest mistake of your life? I know you still love Sylvain, and I’m sure he still loves you too. You’d be risking losing your inheritance, sure, but isn’t spending your life with your true love worth that risk?”

Lorenz’s eyes widened as he processed Hilda’s words, and he chewed on his bottom lip. She...was right. Lorenz knew now that he needed to live his own life, and not just the one that his father wanted him to. Even if he lost his inheritance and was stripped of his title and house, none of that mattered to him as long as Sylvain was in his life. Lorenz shot out of his chair suddenly, startling Hilda, and he looked back at her with determination blazing in his eyes.

“You..you are absolutely right, Hilda.” he said, and Hilda smiled at him as she also stood up. “I need to take control of my own life. And the first thing that I need to do is stop Sylvain from making this mistake. I...I cannot let him marry someone that he does not love, as long as there is a chance that he still harbors love for me.”

“That’s the spirit!” Hilda said, pulling Lorenz into a hug, “We’ll go and get Sylvain back for you!”

“We?” Lorenz said, blinking owlishly at her. Hilda rolled her eyes.

“Well, yeah. I’m going with you. I’ve gotta make sure you don’t chicken out or something.” Lorenz let out an amused chuckle.

“I am surprised that you would go to so much trouble for me.”

“Hey, I wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t important. And stopping your dumbass from being miserable for the rest of your life is pretty important to me.”

“...Rude.” Lorenz mumbled, but a small smile crossed his face.

“Hmm, yeah, with the three of us, we should make it to Galatea territory pretty easily.” Hilda said, tapping her chin with one finger thoughtfully.

“Yes, of course-Wait, three?”

“Hey, Hilda! I finally found you! This place is way too big!”

Lorenz’s eyes widened with shock as he looked towards the door as a beaming Raphael entered the room. Raphael looked from Hilda to Lorenz and let out an excited ‘whoop’. He then crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Lorenz, lifting him into the air as he gave him a bear hug.

“Lorenz! It’s good to see you, buddy!” Raphael exclaimed, his booming laughter in his ear causing Lorenz to wince. “Your house is too big! I found the kitchen to get myself a snack, but Hilda left me behind and I had to wander around until I found you guys!”

“Raphael...What are you doing here?” Lorenz asked when he was placed back onto his feet.

“I’m here to help you out, of course!” Raphael said, “When Ingrid sent me a letter telling me about her arranged marriage to Sylvain, I knew I had to let you know somehow. Hilda met up with me on her way here and I told her everything, and I tagged along to meet with you!”

“Raphael was your ‘reliable source?’” Lorenz asked, raising an eyebrow at Hilda.

“Yeah. He’s been writing letters to Ingrid for a while now.” Hilda said, “So, are you ready to go or what?”

Lorenz looked from Hilda to Raphael, his eyebrows furrowing as he clenched and unclenched his hands a few times. Yes, with his best friends by his side, he could surely do this. But still, a nervous pit had formed in his gut. He hadn’t seen Sylvain in almost a year, what if he changed? What if he did, in fact, move on and not even want to see Lorenz again? The thought scared him.

“What’s wrong?” Hilda asked. Lorenz sighed and ran a hand through his hair, his gaze falling to the floor.

“I must admit, I am a bit nervous...I just never thought that I would see Sylvain again…” Lorenz mumbled, and Hilda placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, you know what they say: ‘Never say never!’” Raphael said, a beaming smile on his face as he punched an enthusiastic fist in the air. Lorenz blinked at him before a smile made its way to his own face.

“Your enthusiasm is as infectious as ever, Raphael.” Lorenz said, wincing as Raphael slapped a rough hand to his back.

“Great! Then let’s get going and get you your man back!” Raphael said, “‘Cause I also need to get my partner back too!”

“Yeah, you did say that Ingrid isn’t too happy about this arranged marriage either.” Hilda said. A frown crossed Raphael’s face as he nodded slowly.

“Oh, I know that for sure. Her last letter to me said as much. She was so looking forward to becoming a knight with me, and I can’t just let her throw away her dreams like this!”

“Well, we will not let Ingrid or Sylvain make this mistake.” Lorenz said, standing up straight with a confident air about him, “Come. We must not waste anymore time dawdling. And...I must thank you two, from the bottom of my heart for talking some sense into me.” Hilda and Raphael shared a glance before they looked back at Lorenz with big smiles on their faces.

“Anything for you, buddy!”

“Yeah, Lorenz. Someone has to save you from your pessimistic outlook, and you’re lucky we like you so much.”

“Yes, yes, you can stop teasing me at any moment, preferably sooner rather than later.”

“No promises there!”

The three friends left the room and, after Lorenz quickly packed for their journey to Galatea territory, they proceeded to leave the Gloucester Estate and make their way to the stables.

“And where do you think you’re going, Lorenz?”

Lorenz froze mid step, jaw clenching as he turned his head to find his father standing there, eyebrows furrowed into a heated glare. Lorenz pursed his lips and turned around fully, standing up straight as he looked Garen in the eye. No, he was not letting his father keep him from his love. Not this time.

“I am heading on a journey to Galatea territory, father. I suspect that I will not be back for some time, so you-”

“And who gave you permission to leave? It was certainly not me.” Garen sneered, taking a step closer to his son, who straightened his posture further and did not back down.

“I do not need anyone’s permission father, least of all yours.” Lorenz said, and he heard Hilda gasp behind him. A slight smile tugged at the corners of his lips when his father’s face contorted with anger.

“How dare you speak to me like that!” Garen hissed, his cheeks flushing red. “You are my son and heir to House Gloucester, and as such you-”

“Please spare me the lecture, father. I am leaving to find my fiance, and you will not stop me.” Lorenz said, his heart hammering in his chest as he continued, “I love Sylvain, and he will become my husband, whether you like it or not.”

“You cannot be serious, Lorenz! I have told you before that if you marry that Gautier boy, I will disinherit you immediately!”

“Then do it!” Lorenz yelled back, his amethyst eyes blazing with fury as he glowered at his father, who stomped up to Lorenz, grabbed him by the collar, and backhanded him across the face. Lorenz managed to keep a straight face, and he saw Raphael take a step forward, but Hilda placed a hand on his arm to prevent him from interfering.

“You can hit me all you want, father, but it will not change my feelings for Sylvain. My feelings for you, however, have changed considerably.” Lorenz said, as he grabbed his father’s wrist and shoved his hand away. “Instead of marking you as an incompetent, sorry excuse for a Count, I now see what you truly are: a contemptible, degenerate, bastard of a man.” Without waiting for a response, Lorenz turned on his heel, smirking when he saw that Hilda and Raphael were gawking at him, as he strode confidently to the stables. When all three had mounted their horses, Lorenz paused when they left the stables, glancing down at his father, who seemed to be stunned into silence.

“When I return, father,” Lorenz said coolly, “I will have Sylvain - my fiance - with me. I will quickly collect my things and leave. Do be sure not to run our house into the ground before I return. I know it will be a daunting task for you.” And with that, Lorenz galloped off down the road, ignoring his father’s angry shouts, with Hilda and Raphael close behind. When they were well out of sight of the Gloucester Estate, Hilda pulled up beside Lorenz and gave him a friendly punch to the shoulder.

“Wow, Lorenz! Good for you for standing up to your father like that! Didn’t think you had it in you.” she said, and Lorenz sighed and shook his head.

“To be honest, I did not think so either.” Lorenz said, swallowing thickly as he rubbed at the spot on his cheek that his father had hit, “I guess I need to start planning on what to do with my life now, seeing as my father will most certainly be disowning me after the verbal thrashing that I gave him.”

“Yeah, that was awesome!” Raphael said when he pulled up to Lorenz’s other side. “I got really mad when he hit you, though! I would have socked him if Hilda didn’t stop me!”

“If you had done that, Raphael, you probably would have sent his head flying right off of his scrawny shoulders.” Hilda said, and Lorenz failed to stifle a laugh.

“Indeed. I do believe that my father is hosting a dinner for the Roundtable attendees tonight. I hope that I riled him up enough so that it goes poorly.” Lorenz said, and Hilda snickered with delight.

“Your dad’s hosting a party? Weird, it didn’t seem like he had much food prepared for it.” Raphael said. Lorenz raised an eyebrow.

“What? My father had plenty of meat dishes prepared-” Lorenz started, but a realization hit him and he sputtered.

“Raphael! You-did you eat the meat that was laid out in the kitchens? On a long serving table by the door?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah! It looked so good, I just couldn’t help myself! Uh, I probably should have asked first, sorry.” Raphael said, a guilty look crossing his face. Lorenz stared at him for a moment, before he burst out laughing so hard that tears stained his cheeks by the time he had composed himself.

“R-Raphael,” Lorenz wheezed, “Those dishes were for the Roundtable dinner tonight! Oh, my father is going to look like a godsdamn fool in front of everyone!” The absolutely delighted tone of Lorenz’s voice made Hilda giggle, and Raphael rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

“You both truly are my most wonderful friends. Thank you for helping me make my father’s life a living hell.” Lorenz said. He wished that he could see the look on his father’s face when he saw what Raphael had done.

“Anytime, Lorenz!” Hilda said, “Let’s get moving while we’ve still got some daylight left!” Lorenz nodded in agreement. As Hilda and Raphael went on ahead, Lorenz slowed his horse as he looked out at the horizon.

‘Sylvain…’ Lorenz thought, his hand slipping under the neckline of his shirt, pulling out a necklace with the engagement ring that Sylvain had given him hanging from it. He lifted the silver ring to his mouth and he placed a chaste kiss on the emerald stone in the center. ‘Wait for me, love. I will not give up on you.’ The trio of friends began their journey to Galatea territory, where Lorenz would do whatever it took to get his one true love back.

[spacedimentio]

Live Impressions of “Change Your Mind”

Neat, a bit of the credits music on the title card is fun and totally not ominous

Oh, this a dream. I was legit worried about Connie for a second there

That thing looks like one of those rainbow caterpillars that really little kids have that you can pull behind you with a string

!!?! I- That’s not worrisome at all, nope, no identity crisis here, oooh boy

Does that mean that Rose knew what the corruption light was? Or just that it was an attack of some kind. Cause if she knew exactly what it was then she should have probably seen it coming.

Déjà Blue is right, they’re using the exact recording/drawing I think

“No.” Damn right you’re not sorry!

Oh Blue, you really did love her, didn’t you… She looks nice with messy hair, it reflects how she feels on the inside.

That easy huh? Haha, look at her face she doesn’t know what eating is and is totally mystified and disgusted xD

Yellow time. Oh, are those…those are fusion experiments. A nice reminder of an awful thing that Yellow is responsible for.

Oh, oh shit! Blue looks absolutely mortified holy fuck

Hey, there’s the scene from the promo. “You’d hurt your fellow diamond?” “Didn’t we hurt Pink? She was suffering in silence for ages, just like our gems, just like me!” Oh man, she does know that they’re responsible for a lot of bad shit, was their behavior all just…fear?

That face Yellow just made stabbed me in the heart jesus No don’t you dumb banana what are you doing holy shit! Oh my god no she’s gonna cry and then I’m gonna cry and she really just doesn’t wanna do this

Did he really just Did he really just hit her with “If every porkchop were perfect, we wouldn’t have hotdogs” I can’t

Haha fuck yes! Yellow crying was my one wish for this ep :’D Let it all out Yellow, I’m sure Steven will give you hugs at some point Also kudos to the person that made the comic where the dialogue was almost exactly like this in regards to Yellow telling Blue to stop using her powers when she wasn’t doing anything

Oh! They’re calling him Steven now! They probably don’t get what he is still but that’s a good step

I’ve heard “You’re not going anywhere” in the commercial like 5 million times but it’s still creepy af

Oh hell no the ship did not need eyes no thank you

Ok I just thought he was trying to pull a “hey, what’s that” and run away while White looked to see what he was pointing at, but no it’s actually the two arm ships how the fuck did Bismuth fix them so fast (how long were the kids in prison jeeeeez). I like how it looks like there’s bandaids and duct tape on them lol But this might actually be a bad thing because why did you bring the arms, you’re going to make the mech stronger!

Dream: achieved! Ayyy, new designs! Nice glasses Peri, but they too big, so I like Lapis’s outfit more. I do love how you just have the lid to a garbage can, you could have found cooler things to surf on, but nope. Garbage can lid.

No don’t attach the arms that’s going to come back to bite you I just know it!

Man, the diamonds hopped on Team Steven quick, but I can’t be too upset with that because it is also what I wanted XD I guess they’ve been suffering a lot more than I thought.

That’s a nice sentiment Connie, and I’m surprised that the diamonds actually listened to what you said and considered it. Doubt it’ll work though.

Oh, they’ve still got control of their ships. I wonder how that particular bit of bullshit space magic works.

You got this Yellow! Don’t hold it in anymore! Oof, they don’t like the pressure they’re under, and they’re under a lot. The diamonds are responsible for a lot of awful things, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t conditioned and expected to fulfill their roles just as much as any other gem.

Aww, look at how Yellow is smiling, and I love how they’re holding hands! Bellow forever!

Oh that’s… Zero hesitation. Stone cold. I don’t like the way their heads flopped backwards, that’s really unsettling OK IT GOT WORSE STOP SMILING LIKE THAT D:

Steven I know you want them to reform but you should probably bubble them before…you…drop them, just like that.

I demand the BGM for this episode and will inevitably be sad when we don’t get it

Oh what, you can just do that? Fuse with a gem that’s not even formed?

o0o Rainbow 2.0! I had a guess that their weapon would be a parasol and it was even neater than I thought it would be Wow, they’re really, really British. That’s a British accent right, I’m not dumb? They’re just Mary Poppins, holy shit I love them! Jet umbrella leaves rainbow trail, ok yes thank you

Fire lady??? We fusing with everyone up in here today! Steven, in episode fucking 11: So, what’s today’s mission? I hope it’s fighting a giant foot! Today, in episode 157-160: a giant foot almost shatters everyone Well you sure got your wish buddy, are you happy?

Alright we got sunglasses mcgoo over here. Sunstone looks like a cereal box mascot I swear to god. So we’re going full “PSA mascot from the 90s”, are we. Man you are just…continually breaking the fourth wall aren’t you. Of course, Sardonyx also has the power to break the fourth wall so I guess it’s just a Future Vision+ thing. I like you Sunglasses McGoo, but I hope your weapon isn’t just suction cups or you’re never going to show up again in a fight xD

Fuckin rip Nice shades Garnet, I like what you did with your…idk what that piece of clothing is called but it’s the bit in the thin section of her body, I like the way the color goes onto her hips a little.

Oh OH SHIT IS IT REALLY TIME FOR THE LONG-THEORIZED TEMPLE FUSION That’s a lot of arms dude! Oh my god they are so cool I love them already!

Peri I love you, never don’t be ridiculous Oh geez I thought she wasn’t going to be able to catch her for a second because bismuth is a diamagnetic metal and *flashbacks of A Gem is Shattered being on the bingo card*

What’s this…staff thing? Ok that was extremely cool, your face is full of lava and you just made a sword from it. Goodbye hands I’m hearing Alexandrite’s percussion instrument in the music, that’s neat. Obsidian is also just roaring a lot, like Alexandrite.

Oh through the eyes, sure. Idk why she didn’t just close the eyelids to keep them out

With all the commotion and fusions, I totally forgot they got brainwashed, oof. It’s definitely not extremely unsettling to see them all talking at once with one voice, nope, not at all. Please stop talking, please stop talking, christ please stop talking

“But you’re a part of me” I-… Does that mean that the color theory where the other diamonds used to be part of White has more merit than I thought? Is that where they came from?

Nononono leave them alone! Oh god why

NONONONONONO STOP THAT DON’T DO THAT PLEASE DON’T DO THAT OH GOD I AM LEGIT CRYING RIGHT NOW THIS IS AWFUL

I don’t think that’s true, I’m pretty sure Pink was just a naturally social person who’s status forced her into loneliness. She just wanted some got dang friends

I DON’T THINK I’VE EVER BEEN SO CREEPED OUT IN MY LIFE. Why is this animation and these over-exaggerated faces reminding me of Cuphead. I’ve never played Cuphead but that’s what I’m thinking of.

DON’T YOU DARE GIVE THE CHILD AN EVEN WORSE IDENTITY CRISIS I AM VERY, VERY WORRIED SHE’S RIGHT

Wait, what are you doing WAIT A MINUTE NO DON’T YOU DARE DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE OH JESUS OH CHRIST THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING NONONO STOP

THEY DID IT THEY ACTUALLY FUCKING DID IT Is…is she…

(Edit from the future: Probably most of you didn’t have a commercial break after this moment, but I sure did, and I spent the entirety of those minutes with my hand covering my mouth in pure shock, tears trickling down my face. I was left to wonder…is Rose coming back? Is Steven dead? I was left with this image:

I was so astounded that I had to pause for a moment and just breathe. And christ, having to wait just a few minutes in utter shock and terror was An Experience. I feel bad for those who didn’t have a break there.)

*quickly realizes that having half the screen still black means that we’re gonna have double perspective* Oh No Oh Shit Oh No is it really gonna be her?!

Oh thank goodness. Congratulations, you now have two Steves, whatever that means

Ok Steven’s still alive, but it looks like it’s excruciating to be without his gem. I’m glad he didn’t just fall apart without the light holding his cells together. How long can he last without his…soul?  Shit what do we call this, what even is this.

This is definitely not what she expected to happen. Oh jesus christ holy shit chill out dude, even White Diamond shook

It’s just…such a relief to finally know. I never believed that the show would abandon its themes of loss by having a miraculous return, but I still wanted to see her anyway. She’s gone.

So what is this guy, exactly? Does he have any conscious thought? Or is he just pure gem energy with the desire to return to his other half

“I only want you to be yourself!” Uh, White honey, you are literally doing the exact opposite thing. “I’ll do it for you!” That’s not how people work White, you are just not having a good time with this turn of events are you

That’s an…interesting shield. Who did Steven say that to, btw? Was he telling White to stop hurting them, or his other self to stop reflecting the attack? Cause White was also in the middle of being hurt, I think

Aww, they’re so happy! It’ll never not be creepy to see White’s voice coming out of Steven’s glass-eyed friends though.

Normally I don’t notice when something in a 2D cartoon is 3D animated, but that shot of White’s head was kind of jarring? I didn’t like it

Oh thank christ he’s alright! I wonder if the gemstone is gonna be turned the other way now? Wait no, it was still turned inside when we went through past reformations.

Oh wow, she’s actually just a 60 foot baby. Look at Steven and Connie laughing cause they’re getting bounced up into the air. Zing! Haha, she’s blushing so everyone’s blushing. …Ok did the ship really need to blush too, come on guys

Ok so whitewashing everyone is something you have to put some effort into controlling. She was literally putting parts of her mind into them.

Haha, good timing guys, you missed everything. Bismuth’s face tho, perfecto At least only Connie has to live with the trauma of seeing Steven get his gem ripped out.

Her face is still cracked? What…what are the cracks from if not from being mind-controlled mercilessly

Yes, congratulations, you are having an emotion. Oh, she’s actually a shade of pink now, what. There’s that color theory again. Guess whose turn it is to have an existential crisis? It’s you!

“I’m supposed to know better! I’m supposed to be better! I’m supposed to make everything better!” Wait, according to who? Theory that someone made her confirmed?

Oh hey, Beach City. It took me a good second to realize that Sadie was doing a remix of a Greg song. Cue a big-ass robot hitting the beach in three…two…one! BAM! A+ timing guys

Oh, White isn’t actually that much taller than the other two when they’re standing together like that. I could have sworn she was at least 100 feet tall, that’s a bit disappointing. Then again, it would be really hard to get her to fit in frame with everyone else. Does this mean that Pink actually might be undercooked after all? Cause when I thought White was 100 feet tall, Blue and Yellow were as proportionately small next to her as Pink was next to the two of them, but now I’m wondering again.

Me too, Ronaldo. Me too.

Uh, wow. Nice timing Lars. Those poor off-colors, it took them a million years to get to Earth and the first thing they see is all three diamonds staring at them. That sure is a mood, Rhodonite. Big mood.

Aww, Lion and Lars are gonna be bros. ‘You’re like me!’

Fucking hug each other you dumbs! God, you’re frustrating.

I demand to know how all three of them fit on the warp pad/inside Steven’s house! Tell me at once!

Oh, we’re doing this right now? I know there’s going to be a season 6, but what are we going to do in season 6? Sneeple? (Re)adjusting to earth shenanigans? Diamond family time?

Nephrites! Look at em all, I love ‘em! And Watermelon Tourmaline too! Ayy, it’s Biggs! I’ve always wondered what she looked like. Haha, if I wasn’t shipping Biggs/Bismuth before I sure am now.

Jasper! Wow that only took like two years for her to show up again. Also I just realized that everyone looks weird because they still have traces of corruption on them and not because they were Like That in the first place.

Oh boy Jasper, you’ve…you’ve missed a lot. I wanna know what Amethyst just told her that made her hide in the water in shame.

Boy that one in the middle with all the different colors is scaring me a little

It’s kind of funny how White Diamond went from Massively Threatening, Narcissistic Perfectionist to Completely Lost Almost Cute Child in a snap. I actually feel bad for killing her off in my fic now, whoops. Ah well, it’s an AU anyway so I’m not gonna retcon anything.

Alright who taught Yellow to make a peace sign

Alright who parked the legs on the cliff like that

All the songs in this arc have been named after the episode title they appear in, nice. I’m kind of disappointed that we didn’t get another diamond song but maybe that’s for later (a song about how everything is confusing now? or maybe about how they let Pink down and suffered themselves)

Welp, that’s a wrap. It is now once again time for hiatus. Yellow continues to be my favorite diamond after Pink; I really hope they all come visit Steven and learn stuff. I’m actually very surprised that they jumped ship so easily; it seems that they might understand that what they do is wrong but they do it anyway cause that’s what’s expected of them. Seems they were suffering a lot more than I thought, and I already thought they were hurting quite a bit.

And that brings me to the biggest question I have. Much like Blue and Yellow, White was acting as if someone told her to do this; it’s like she’s a rogue AI who’s original creators are long gone. I don’t know if I wanna see what White’s afraid of, cause up until the last 10 minutes or so of this ep she was the scariest thing I’d ever seen.

Who made White Diamond?

[averyonelovesjack]

talk to me ~ zach herron

requested: yes

hi love! welcome back 😂 can I have a request w Zach where he’s dating the reader and he’s like really stressed from work and so every night he cries himself to sleep? but then, one night you hear him and try to comfort him, and he ends up crying and falling asleep in ur arms! Thanks bubs 💜

summary: struggling with issues in his career, zach finds himself troubled with anxiety and insomnia, and when his girlfriend realizes these issues, she’s there to let him share his thoughts and to help him through the rough night.

warning(s): sad, angst, stress, mentions of anxiety

word count: 1564

disclaimer: so basically when i got this request, it was the beginning of the whole zach video being released and i didn’t really know much about it, so i didn’t even think about it when i wrote this (which i wrote right away because i was very inspired by the idea). i’m not even sure that this request was about that video, and tbh, i don’t really care if it was or it wasn’t, it was a damn good idea and i enjoyed writing it. the story, however, does not correlate very factually with the details of what happened so if the request was in relation to the video, i’m sorry to the anon. 

taglist: @ijustreallylovethem @beautybesson @samithepixie @lovableherron @notyotypical @averysgarl @jackaverybabe @jonahmaraismakesmyday @coolerberryfrizzlediz @dailydoseofherron @victoriagrier @w0nderr @heyowdw  @blueeyedbesson @so-not-wdw @beccagraceseavey  @elovesseavey 

also please send me requests 

third person POV

exhaustion fell easily upon zach and y/n. having been a couple for a little while now, y/n had grown used to being herself around zach and certainly felt that zach reciprocated those feelings, so while some more recent things about him did concern her, she tried not to pry, as she knew that zach was being as honest as he could be with her. y/n tried to convince herself that it’s just the busy time of year and that it would get better for him, that it’s just a little bit of stress right now, but always, she had that feeling in the back of her brain that maybe he wasn’t okay as he portrayed with her. a few swollen eye sockets and some symptoms of insomnia weren’t enough for her to stage an intervention however. y/n knew that zach wasn’t someone who easily opened up about how he felt. she didn’t exactly know why this was something he struggled with, but she’d always suspected that he either didn’t want to take down his wall and show that he’s struggled before, or that he always wants to be the hero for the people in his life who are suffering. If he shows that he struggles, then he’s letting down a fan who relies on him for strength and that wasn’t something he was willing to risk. 

however, y/n did know zach pretty well. zach’s management had been putting him under an enormous amount of stress recently with publicity issues and album decisions and to keep himself looking strong and stress free, he shoved all of his thoughts inside and forced himself to keep quiet about it all. it did work for a while, but there is no such thing as limited space and zach broke. it first happened about three weeks ago, when going 48 hours without sleep reached him and once y/n had fallen asleep, he couldn’t help but sob into his pillow. frustrations poured out of him and forced him into a vulnerable position with no one there to help him through it. this sudden outburst began the cycle of breakdowns, at least one occurring every night before he fell asleep until he tired himself out enough to the point of his body shutting down and letting him get some rest. 

zach thought that this was his coping method, that mental breakdowns were the best way for him to release his anxiety and to have him let go, but by the abundances of them, it is clear that while it felt good at the time, sobbing yourself to sleep is only a temporary solution to a problem that needs a more permanent fix. 

y/n’s pov

my body collapsed gently on the bed as i curled my legs into my chest and slipped underneath the silky sheets. beside me, my boyfriend pulled his shirt over his head and then laid down by my body, giving me an exhausted look. I looked at him with concern, understanding that he was doing his best, but couldn’t work up the nerve to ask him what was wrong. if i’d done that, then i knew he would cry right here and now and despite the length of our relationship, i don’t feel prepared to watch him breakdown just yet. 

instead, i pecked his lips, whispered three words and turn my back so that i could try my best to get some sleep. beside me, i could hear him twisting and turning, trying his best to get comfortable. tonight, the first real night of concern, i squeezed my eyes closed and wished for myself to go to sleep, but the thoughtful part of my brain knew that watching zach suffer alone was worse than giving him poor advice or risking the potential of causing him greater pain. while  i carry my own insecurities and fears about hurting him, my ignorance is only allowing him to dig himself into a deeper hole. 

silence filled the room for half an hour before i heard the first whimper. it was quiet, and i almost ignored it, but a minute later, i heard a louder one that turned into a few more cries that were muffled by the pillow that i instincively knew he was shoving into his face to keep himself quiet. i physically felt my heart sink into my stomach as i sat up in the bed and let the comforter fall to my waist. i waited for him to notice for a moment, but instead he shut himself up and laid completely still until i turned on the bedside light, blinding both him and myself. 

this allowed zach to sit up and sniffle. he tried to give me his best confused look, staring me as i watched his eyes pray that his face didn’t show his previous actions. zach’s voice was sore and exhausted as he spoke, “y/n, what’s wrong? are you okay?”

i shook my head and he sat up, doing his best to put on his hero face that i knew pained him even deeper, “zach,” i whispered sympathetically, “you can talk to me, baby.”

“about what, y/n?” he tried to cover up his thoughts, but his cheeks grew redder as y/n frowned. 

“love, you don’t have to build up this wall around me. i’m sorry for not making that clear with you from the beginning. i love you so much and i want you to know that you always have me here to help you through it. you can talk to me.”

“it’s not that simple, y/n,” zach shakes his head, “i’m fine. it’s my own fault and i don’t need to drag you into my mess of a life. you don’t deserve that.”

“zach, you are my mess of a life. Your problems are our problems now and you can tell me things. I can help you like you help everyone else. It’s okay to let go of the cape sometimes.”

“Y/n, i’m fine,” My boyfriend fails to tell me, “I’m stressed about work, that’s all it is. Just some stress.”

“You haven’t been the same for months now and I can hear you at night, zach,” I inform him and water builds up behind his eyes, “A little bit of stress is normal; it’s good. But if you’re having anxiety attacks several times a week, then it’s not okay and i want to help you. I hate seeing you in pain just as much as you hating see me in your position.”

Zach thought about my words for a second and soon enough, i could hear the cracking in his voice, “it’s just been really hard, y/n.”

i nod my head, my heart shattering as i wrap my arms around his back and pull him into my chest. Zach rests his head in my shoulder and i can feel the tears falling down my back as he held me tightly as i squeezed him back. i rubbed his back soothingly, closing my back and letting myself relax against his body to comfort him. 

“e-everyone w-w-wa-wants sum-summthin’ and i feel like i can’t do anything right anymore,” He lets out a loud sob at the end of his thoughts, before screaming a little bit in frustration, “it’s like i’m not--not enough for them. i can never be what they want me to be.”

“shhh, it’s okay love. you are perfectly enough. you are doing the absolute best you can, you always do, and that’s enough,” I tell him softly. While I know he might not listen to it right now, I hope that in the future, I can tell him again and he’ll know it. 

“everyone tried to warn us--to warn me about the industry and the lifestyle, but i-i-i wanted it so badly and i never listened. i should’ve listened,” Zach explained and I could feel my heart hurt even more than before. Music is something that Zach has always loved and wanted to do, but because of some petty managers and extreme rules, he didn’t feel like following his dreams was worth it.

“I know it’s hard, baby, i know,” I told him, “But i promise you, at the lowest point, it can only get better. It will get better. We’re gonna fix it, we’re gonna make things better.”

“how? how can we?” He cries out.

“We can’t do it tonight, but zach, my promise to you is that when you are in a better mental state, you and i will figure this out. We’ll find a solution,” I explain, “And until then, you need to get some sleep so that you are well rested and we can find the right battle to win.”

I sat with my legs parallel to the bed and zach sat parallel to me, his head leaning into my side as i gently ran my fingers through his hair to calm him down a little bit. Zach cried for a little bit longer, but within a few minutes, he was breathing normal and his eyes were closed as he rested against my sleep. I let out a sigh of relief when i could feel that his breathing was regular and his body was fast sleep. Through all of the pain, he just needed a little bit of love and compassion to get him some sleep. 

[fairyshuuu]

For (better or) worse

Length: 3k Genre: Angst Warnings: Swearing, heartbreak, you know, some of my dark emotions poured into a fic.

“Why are you being like this? I’m here now, aren’t I?!”

You tangle your fingers in your hair, in hopes the pulling sensation distracts you from the pounding between your ears. “What do you mean?! You haven’t been here for 3 weeks! How does this make any of that up?!”

“You’re unbelievable. I’m trying! And I’m here now! If you can’t appreciate that, then I- I-I don’t even know!” He sighs, his fingers gliding through his hair as he turns to face the wall. “Why are you still doing this?! It’s all useless, it’s not like I decide how to spend my time!”

“That’s a lie and you know it. You don’t care about me at all, if you did, you would come home! You are a selfish asshole!” Your voice sounds broken and venomous, the words spit at his back with both anger and indifference.

“Do you really believe all of that crap?! God, you are such a bitch sometimes!” You pause, letting his words dissolve into the air, complete silence encasing the both of you. The clock continues to tick, the only sound apart from the rain tapping on the roof. You both stand frozen in the room for a bit, both not wanting to break the silence first. This was how it always was when you fought. Loud and fiery, both sides throwing out whatever had been bothering them for a moment too long to keep it balled up inside. Only, today, there was no fire behind your words, no surge of emotions passing through your body, causing you two to pull together again, bodies solving what your words can’t.

“I’m leaving.” The words are quiet, barely audible, breaking the silence between the two of you.

He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck, before turning around to face you again. “Fine.” He pauses, looking you in the eyes for a second, before turning away. “The key is behind the flowerpots. Don’t wake me up when you come back.” He starts walking to the door, but you cut him off midstep.

“I’m not coming back, Chanyeol.” Your voice is shaky, a result of both the screaming and the emotions piling up for months. Your hands are clammy, now you are finally telling him. You doubt it surprises him. You have been telling him for a long time now. But maybe you both know you mean it this time.

The thick feeling in the air drops, when he slowly moves to turn around again. He stares at you for a moment, taking a deep breath through his nose. His lips part as he tries to say something, but the words get stuck in his mouth, none of them good enough for a situation like this. His lips shake slightly, his tongue darting out to wet his lips, before he closes his mouth again. His eyes search your face, looking for something, anything that can help him fix it. But despite your small and vulnerable frame, you’re steady, your mind made up. 

You’re sure this time. You take a deep breath, weaving your hands together. You know the look he is giving you now. Regret. Fear. He’s scared this time, because he can feel it, he knows he pushed it too far this time. He can sense the determination, the truth in your words. He blinks once, before taking a careful step in your direction, as if not to spook you away. “Baby-” The pet name stings on your skin, any of the former sentiment lost. He only uses that to make up now. He doesn’t mean it, and you both know it.

“Don’t.” Your voice sounds sharp, it surprises you yourself that you can sound this strong when you feel like the entire world is crumbling around you.

“Honey, you don’t mean that.” His voice sounds laced with pity, as if you don’t know what you are doing, but you see through his act. He knows you are serious this time, he’s trying to fix it. You blink once and stare back at him, only moving to take a step back when he takes one in your direction.

“I’m leaving, Chanyeol. I’m done.”

His breathing hitches slightly, a tiny sign of the fear coursing through his body. “Babe. Come on, let’s fix this. I- I’m sorry.”

“You’re not. And I’m not either. Not anymore. This has been going on too long now, I won’t feel sorry anymore.”

“Babe.” His voice is soft as he takes another step towards you. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, baby. I am.” You lower your eyes when he reaches you, his large, warm hands on the sides of your arms, carefully encasing you. “Look at me, hey.” With a hand under your chin, he tilts your head up again, making your eyes find his. “I’m sorry.” You sigh and take a step back, your back pressed against the wall, away from him, away from his warmth and his scent, all too familiar. You wouldn’t let him fix it this time.

“I’m packing my bags tonight. Tomorrow, I’ll be out of here… You win, Chanyeol. You win… I’m done.” You press your back further into the wall, slipping away from him, towards the door. The tingles running up and down your arms creating goosebumps on your cold skin. A burning sensation suddenly encases your wrist, and you look down in slight surprise to see his long fingers wrapped around your tiny wrist, gentle but closed tight.

“Luna, please.” The nickname makes you stop in track, your hands falling limply beside your legs, your air knocked out of your lungs in an instant. Strange how a single word can make years of memories resurface like that. Luna. Moon. You blink a couple of times, trying to rid the shivers from your shoulders as the cold air hits them. His pull around your wrist gets stronger, slowly making your body back into his with a burning sensation. 

His arms wrap around your body, his warmth twisting around you and you can feel your front falling. His face pushes into your neck, his lips tickling your soft skin as he whispers against you. “My Luna.” Your lips part, a soft sigh coming from you as you can suddenly feel your eyes burn with emotion. Your lips tremble, and you bite down on them to stop it but it doesn’t help. Waves of memories flash back to you , both good and bad, drowning you in your past with him, something you haven’t allowed yourself to think back to. 

The crushing pain in your heart when the sunlight hit your cheeks last time he had come over. You didn’t need to look over to know he was gone, the cold sensation encasing you more than enough proof. He was gone again, and this time he had taken the last piece of your heart with him. You could feel it, the empty spot in your chest, sinking deeper and deeper, making you feel like throwing up. You remember the way your fingers grazed the pillow he had slept on, pushing your face into it and pulling his faint smell into your skin, hoping it would soothe some of the ache in your chest, but not finding any relief anymore. You breathe out a shaky breath as his face buries into your hair, his long arms tightly around your arms.

“You have no idea how much you hurt me. You broke me, Chanyeol. You think you can fix it but I’m telling you right now, you can’t. You absolutely demolished me.” He breathes in slowly, his face still against your skin, before slowly pulling back. “You have no idea what it felt like, these last few months. Only coming home every few weeks, for one night, then leaving again before I woke up. I cried every morning I found the bed empty. The only sign the night before wasn’t some twisted dream was the slightest bit of warmth remaining on the mattress. You never bothered to text or call.” His fingers tangle themselves in your shirt, his careful grasp on you faltering ever so slightly.

“I didn’t think you would-”

“How did you not see you were killing me.” His warm breath on your skin stops, as he holds it, turning you around in his hold. Your lips are shaking as you part them again, tears spilling onto your cheeks as you close them. “You broke me. Nothing feels right anymore. You had my entire heart, and when you left I was nothing. This didn’t ever feel like home without you. You took my home away, every time you left me here, alone. And you didn’t even notice. You kept breaking me, for months, and I can’t do it anymore.”

He takes a deep breath in, bending down to push his forehead against yours. His lips move slowly, forming words that reach your ears in slow motion, his eyes full of fear. “Do- do you still love me?” 

It’s almost laughable how breakable and frail he sounds, while he is the one who ripped your heart out off your chest, huge chunks at a time, and leaving you to clean up the mess yourself. It’s almost comical how scared he looks now, while he’s felt it coming for months. Maybe he just thought you would, and could never leave him, because a couple of months ago, you were sure you couldn’t. Not when he held all of you, all of your hopes and dreams, and your entire future in his large hands, gently pulling it inside of him and locking it to his body, so you could never escape. 

You would have never even had nightmares of speaking those words. Yet here you were, your heart in scrambles on the floor, where he had left them last time. You hadn’t even tried to put it together this time, the specks of dust shattered too small to ever find them all again. He was scared too late, realizing his mistakes way too far into your heartbreak, and you were already pulling away from him too much. 

You wanted to laugh at his question, and cry at it at the same time, his big eyes pouring all the emotion you had missed for so long into you all at once. It hurt feeling this full again after months of nothing. You sigh feebly and tap your fingers on your thigh, looking up at the ceiling to keep your tears in.

“I loved you so much, more than anyone will ever understand. But that doesn’t matter anymore now, because I don’t have anything to give you anymore. I’m empty. You took my heart and you broke it into a million pieces. And no one, not even you, not even me, will be able to put it back together.” He raises a hand slowly, his soft fingertips gliding along your cheek to hold your face, and for a split second, you think you feel some warmth in the empty spot that once held your heart, but the soft spark fades too quickly. Or maybe your mind forces it to die down, smothering it by the memories of your hurt. 

He would never understand what it was like to feel this hurt, seeing everything you ever wanted shattered into pieces at your feet. He didn’t know what it felt like, because you had always tried to protect him from any harm. His hands hold your face, tilting it up towards him. When your eyes find his, you’re surprised by what you see. His big eyes, full of tears, looking down at you with guilt and so much regret, it strings. Whatever you were expecting to find, was nothing in comparison with how he was looking at you now. His lips and chin tremble and he blows out the softest words you have ever heard fall from his lips.

“I’m so sorry. I was selfish. I- I’m sorry. I never meant to-” A soft hiccup from his throat cuts his apology in half. “Please, don’t leave me. I can change, I can fix it. I’ll be here again, I promise.” You shake your head softly, a tear running down your cheek slowly.

“It’s too late, Yeol.” He leaves out a shaky breath, his eyes forcibly staring into yours, while a soft sniffle passes through him while the first tear falls. His head slowly shakes from left to right as he grips your hands in his, pressing them against his chest as if your touch can somehow heal the pain that is forming in his heart at your words. You know he’s not broken yet, not like you are, his heart too oblivious to notice your screaming into the void for months without fail. He’s not broken yet, but you can’t help but feel that by the end of the night, he might be. 

You can’t help but feel that by tomorrow morning, his heart might be in pieces on the floor too, something you would have killed for to avoid a couple of months ago. You don’t mean to hurt him, but your empty soul can’t find enough empathy to shelter him anymore either. So you don’t wipe his tears while they roll in streaks down his face, you don’t kiss him to tell him everything is going to be alright. His hiccups get louder and louder, his lips moving, trying to get the words out.

“Please. Don’t go.”

“I can’t stay, Yeol. Let go, please. I won’t stay.” His desperate eyes flick to yours, blinking through his tears. The hurt in his eyes is clear, and your stomach sinks at the sight, but your hands limply stay next to your body.

“Stop. Stop, please. I won’t let you.”

“It’s not up to you anymore. I’m leaving, Chanyeol. Let me go.” His defensive hold on your shoulders tightens, while his tears drop down his chin, tapping on the floor with the slightest sound.

“Luna, please. Please. S-stop. You’re hurting me. P-please, stay… P-please, I- I don’t-” He stops mid sentence, pulling your body to his in an attempt to get you to take his pain away like you always used to. His face buries into your neck, the wetness tickling your shoulder, his hands balling up into your shirt and pulling you as close as possible. A sting of pain courses through your body at his whimpers against your skin, none of them lasting long enough to be understandable, his hurt thoughts all wanting to come out at the same time.

Somehow, your fingers twitch, a slight ache in your hands to move them. To move them around him, to stroke his hair and to hold him, protecting against the vicious feelings in your own chest. His rambled thoughts all come together to repeat one short sentence, so pained and hurt you can feel it in your own body. “I love you, please. P-please, please, I love you. Please- I- I l-love you, I love y-you, please.” Without thinking anymore, you reach up, your hands finding his head and encasing him. A small hiccup falls from his lips as he feels one hand in his hair, the other on his cheek, cradling him softly and his unsteady breathing stops as he holds his breath. Apparently, you are both surprised at the sudden protectiveness your body portrays.

“Shhh, shhh, shhhh.” Your hand moves back and forth, stroking his head gently. “Don’t… don’t cry.” He pushing into your touch, desperate for the affection after your earlier cold confession. “I’m sorry.”

“I love you so much, don’t leave me, please.” His whimpered pleads make your body shiver, a warm glow spreading in your chest now you give into him, your arm wrapping around his thin waist, while his arms wrap around your body entirely, planting soft kisses along your collarbones and shoulder. Your lungs open up, breath pulling into your nose while the glow turns warmer and warmer in his hold. You both want to push him away and pull him so close the air can’t find a way between your bodies, your heart suddenly at battle with your mind.

You know this is probably the kickback of feeling him against you again, his warmth and smell and all of him around you, pleading you to stay, and your body suddenly aches to fall into him again. He’s more than trying to fix it, he is holding you so tightly in an attempt to take all of the earlier pain he caused away, both to protect himself and you. You can feel it in the way he kisses your skin, slowly, carefully littering your body with signs of his love, still strong and still burning for you. Maybe, you think as the glow in your chest gets warmer and warmer, his fire put a spark back in the void in the place your heart once was. 

Maybe, just maybe, he could try to pick all the pieces of your shattered love back up, and in that moment you cower in the feeling that takes over the both of you, the hope that he can still put you back together. You don’t know how long the moment will last, but as the burning fire in your chest licks at your resolves, sending them up in flames, you think that you can live with that uncertainty for a while, because the empty void suddenly doesn’t feel as empty anymore. 

So for however long this may last again, you let him fix it. Just like the thousand of times before that. You would never leave him, not as long as his fire was still burning for you, because his warmth could ignite the cooled ashes in your heart again, time after time. Your lips tremble as his lips graze the corner of your mouth, barely hovering over your skin.

“I won’t.” 

He hums softly, taking refuge in the frail promise for now, pressing his lips down on yours with a soft whisper. “I love you still.” 

And while the burning travels through your entire body when his lips move yours so carefully, your mind lets go of all of the painful thoughts occupying it for a moment, and you whisper against his lips. “I want to love you still, too.” A truth that no amount of hurt would ever change.

[mild-lunacy]

Pynch Fics (and I)

I just want to say that I realize that sometimes I'm kind of hard on fanfic, and on fandom in general. It's always been my calling card: prioritizing canon over fanon, rejecting everything I ever loved in fandom in a heartbeat if my enjoyment of canon becomes compromised by continued participation, etc. I've been especially hard on Raven Cycle fandom-- and fanon. I guess I feel a bit bad, because there's genuinely so much to appreciate. There's a lot of wonderful fanart, a lot more great fic than you'd expect in a fandom this size, and I've even been inspired to finish writing my own for the first time in ages, 'Ice Supernova'. There's a lot to be thankful for.

I've just been thinking about what a relief and release fanfic is. It's interesting 'cause I've never felt like The Raven Cycle 'needed' fic the way something like Sherlock does. To make it even more meta, BBC Sherlock is itself fic, which goes to show you that no fic can be enough by itself. No fic can 'fix' or replace canon. There's always something. Always something missing. Every fic gives you the limited canon/characterization vision of the author: no more, no less. Often enough, you can't even guarantee that. I certainly wouldn't want people to judge my understanding and vision of the books by that little Pynch skating AU fic. Even if you *are* writing a magnum opus, a lot of times it just doesn't get finished, or gets Jossed, or you're just a different person by the end, so it doesn't feel as satisfying years later. So what I'm saying is, the redemption of fanfic is in its *multiplicity*. No fic, no adaptation, no AU has to really bear the absolute responsibility. It's the gestalt of fic, the fanon that fandom creates-- and I endlessly harp on-- that is the masterpiece.

I love fanfic. I always have, ever since I was introduced to Star Trek at age 13 through the tie-in novels. They were so good, and I loved coming back to the characters over and over, way before I ever watched the show and actually saw them on-screen. I've loved many characters almost entirely or initially because of the fics I've read about them. It's good to remember that. I'm so grateful to the wonderful authors and fellow fans that have let me inhabit a world I love for just a little bit longer. And yes, sometimes it's helped me deal with things that didn't feel like enough, that have felt disappointing. Fic is always there, trying to make things right, all the AUs and all the fix-its and missing scenes and future fics bearing that burden together. And sometimes I get frustrated 'cause I'm so sure canon got it right in the first place, but that's the price one has to pay to see the wrongs righted and the holes filled in my heart.

In The Raven Cycle, I've mostly loved canon AUs and missing scenes. It feels a little wrong to have Adam and Ronan get together earlier than in canon, but many writers made it work. I love fics that take place post-TRK (usually during the first year of college) or pre-epilogue. There's plenty of room for more details and further adventures because canon left the door so open. A lot of writers have been careful and did justice to the characters. I'm happy to share some fics that have been memorable for me, and I hope I'll add to this at some point, too.

So, in no particular order:

We'll Never Be Those Kids Again, by okaynowkiss: and the Missing Scene Award for the TRK climax goes to... This One.

Takes place in the 24 hours after Gansey dies on the side of the road at the end of The Raven King. Ronan's going through a lot and Adam wants to be there for him. Also, everything made in a dream might be in trouble.

Tears and Vines, by adamganseys: and the Missing Scene Award for TDT goes to... This One.

The turn for Monmouth is about to come up when Adam speaks again. “Do you want me to drop you at Monmouth?” There’s a note of reluctance in Adam’s voice, and that’s when he realizes how very much he wants Ronan to come to his apartment with him, how much he needs his comforting presence after what just happened. 

Ronan studies him in that intense way of his before replying, “I’d rather just chill at St. Agnes a bit, if that’s cool with you.”

(Or, my response to the prompt things you said when you were crying, where Ronan comes to Adam's apartment with him after Robert Parrish's trial)

Knights of Caledfwlch, by Incandescentflower: the One with the Fluff, and my Favorite Canon-based Plot

Adam and Ronan adjust to their new relationship and prepare for Adam to go off to college with a lot of adoring thoughts and making out. Also, some magic stuff happens. Gansey asks Adam to find out about the Knights of Caledfwlch and they run into other magic seekers. Adam and Ronan deal with the long distance thing and Adam comes to terms with his own magical abilities. This fic will cover Adam and Ronan's lives for Adam's first year at college.

The Grip of It, by Seek_The_Mist: the One that Works Out the Emotional Consequences

The quest for Glendower ends in an explosion of shattered lives, shattered dreams and shattered realities, leaving five teens in the debris with all the loose ties.

Ronan and Adam barely had something standing during the supernatural madness. It's not straightforward to figure out what they have and how they deal with it outside of it.

Intimacy is everything but trivial.

A. k. a. : Five times intimacy was an awkward and tentative thing + one time it was absolutely glorious.

How Lancelet and Guinevere Slew the Dragon, by scarlett_the_seachild: the One That Integrates Arthurian Mythos to Surprising Effect

Gansey is away in Washington, and Ronan and Adam take this as an opportunity to casually drop by on one another, hold hands, get jealous, fall out, and battle the forces of evil currently threatening Cabeswater.

Set some time post Blue Lily, Lily Blue. Beaucoup de feelings, tension: sexual and otherwise, self-gratification and miscommunication. And Arthurian mythology.

let's get together before we get much older, by raewrites: the One in Which Adam is the Pining Loser (but Ronan is still canon)

Adam doesn’t know what compels him to make an attempt at finally finding out. Does Ronan Lynch have a crush on me? (Do I have a crush on Ronan Lynch?)

Otherwise known at the one where Ronan, Blue, and Noah visit Adam and Gansey at their university for the weekend.

Inside Out, by propertyofthehalfbloodprince: the One with the Cute Coming Out Scene (but then there’s couch sex)

“Ronan-” “Adam.” Rough and rocky and soft. When Ronan said Adam he meant Adam. “How can you even-” Ronan’s palms came up to cradle his face. “Adam.”

In a Dream It Seemed So Real, by beersforqueers: the One with Kavinsky (but he doesn’t matter)

Adam didn't want to see them together, but that doesn't mean he won't have to deal with the consequences. Especially when the consequences are an angry Ronan Lynch and two teenage boys doing their best not to confront their feelings.

Kavinsky isn't helping.

Wonderterror Weekend, by nimmieamee: the One Where Ronan Has Magic Boots

Adam Parrish gets Saturday off and spends the day falling in love with Ronan Lynch.

He also spends it fighting monsters, visiting Europe, and traumatizing people. But falling in love with Ronan Lynch is the part he chooses.

Just to Be Quiet, by sksai: the One Where they’re Essentially Soul-Mates 

an AU loosely based off the concept of the book Unspoken by Sarah Rees Brennan. or, an excuse for Ronan and Adam to have a heart-wrenching psychic bond.

Steady All the Hands, by sksai: the One Where Adam’s a Hooker (and it’s the Cutest Thing Ever)

Ronan makes a series of questionable choices. Adam is just Trying His Best. There is a child - a small one. The gang's all here.

To Feel Your Heartlines, by renlybaratheon: the One where Adam’s a 30-something Woman (but it works)

People in Adam Parrish's life keep getting married all around him, and Adam is not a fan of weddings, a constant reminder of being unlucky in love and his personal decision to focus on his career. But at one wedding, Adam meets the funny and charming Ronan Lynch and starts to think maybe that decision could use some revision, and that his luck has changed.

Reunions series, by LydiaStJames: the One with the Misunderstandings

Adam patted down his body, fingers searching for clothes, but came up empty. Again. 

It really was high school all over again.

Not at All Casual series, by pendules: the One About Touching

The first time Ronan leans over and kisses him when he drops him off at St. Agnes after his late shift, Adam just stares at him wordlessly for a moment before he manages to find his voice and utter an awkward "Thanks" and fumbles to open the door and practically bolts up the stairs to his apartment. It takes a long while to school his heartbeat back to a moderately normal rate and to make his brain actually begin to absorb the line he's been reading over and over for the last fifteen minutes.

Or: Adam and Ronan slowly learn about casual affection that isn't casual at all.

Flames Burned in Our Hearts, by littlelionvanz: the One that Plays with Adam’s Virginity

When he and Ronan started, no one came out of the bushes to hand Adam a pamphlet on what it exactly meant to be in a sexual relationship with another boy. The dos-and-don’ts if you will.

Adam Parrish and the Scientific Method, by poorchoices: the One that Plays with Adam’s Quest to Lose His Virginity (both cute and realistic)

Adam explores his budding sexuality. Post-TRK.

Hold On to Me As We Go, by basicallymonsters: The One that Should Be Canon

It’s like they’re enjoying some fantastic beginners luck, but they don’t actually know how the game is played...

Revised relationships come from the settling dust of unmaking, and Ronan and Adam try to find a balance between grief and joy, love and sex, friendship and occasional hand kissing. They navigate first times and promises and a feeling like magic - even when they're forest-less and wide awake. (Pre-epilogue)

Bonus Porn:

The One Who Makes You Come Undone, by anirondack: Ronan likes Adam's hands and Adam has an idea.

Fight the Wind & Wait for You, by hewhomustnotbejames: Adam's back in town for his 21st birthday.

say my name and i'll lie in the sound, by oftirnanog: Or the first time Ronan and Adam have anal sex. That's it. It's just smut. Fluff and smut and awkward boys with awkward feelings.

[leiafoxx]

let’s talk about the oscars

i would like to start by congratulating moonlight for the award. i unfortunately haven’t seen it - mostly because it still hasn’t reached the cinemas in my country and it’s a movie i would want to actually go and watch on the big screen - but i am happy to see a film with such a powerful theme triumphing at a world-wide appreciated award show, an award show that means so much to america’s cinematographic world. i’m honestly looking forward to seeing it and i am absolutely convinced i will love it.

the whole la la land/moonlight situation is complicated and nasty. while i agree that it was stupid to announce la la land as the winner just because “cards have been mixed up”, the amount of hate this movie is getting makes me endlessly disappointed. it’s important to remember that the crew was not at fault for this tremendous fiasco. they were extremely polite and handled the situation with class. no tantrum thrown, no mean comments, no drama started. they accepted the academy’s decision (and the mistake made by the presenter) and handed the award to the moonlight crew without whining or crying in self-pity. as annoying and embarrassing the whole thing was - not only for the la la land crew, but for moonlight as well - everyone acted maturely. i honestly don’t see what bothered people so much about the la la land crew. i see no reason to attack them whatsoever. they took good care of the situation and i think people should stop throwing rocks at them for something they were not at fault for. 

i have seen plenty of people hating on la la land because it’s a movie about “a bunch of vain white, heterosexual people dancing and singing around, trying to reach fame” and i’m deeply sorry people choose to see la la land like that. it’s not just about a white couple jumping and screaming, aspiring to be famous. it’s about love. it’s about sacrifice. it’s about dreams. it’s about the unseen face of the “artist life”, about the struggle of artists, about how long and bumpy the road to being a widely appreciated actor is. and while i understand that most people watching the oscars can’t really relate to that, you need to take in consideration that some people do. 

i’m in still in high school and i’m at that point where people start asking *the* question: what are you gonna do with your life? 

i’ve always been what people on tumblr call “an art hoe”. i love art. music, film, theatre, dancing, literature, paintings, photography...i practically live out of those. no day passes by that i don’t listen to music, sing, read, dance. i watch something everyday, be it seen or unseen. there have been periods when i was doing fine financially and i’d go to the theatre every week. my friends and i would rather go visit the art museum for the second, third time in a year then do other things kids our age do. i’m simply in love with art. i’d say it was my first love and surely the biggest. i obviously am not good at all of those mentioned above (god knows i’d love to) but there is one thing i love more than anything: acting. i love being on stage and that’s a lot from someone who gets panic attacks from having to call a stranger to have a casual talk about high school life. funny enough, throwing myself in front of people, being put under a microscope and exposing myself to others is my relief. the irony, right? what makes it beautiful is that i can combine my passion, my safe place with the necessity of working and making money. and since it’s the only thing i can’t get bored of, the only thing that relaxes me, that helps me escape, it makes sense that my answer to that hideous question we’ve all had to answer at some point in our lives to be “i’m gonna act”.

the reactions i get to that are mixed. some are excited. an actress in the family, in their circle of friends, one of their ex students who they maybe cared for at some point. some give me a puzzled look. am i even aware of how hard that is, of the amount of work i need to put up in other to succeed? do i know it’s actually a hard job to do (well, yeah, but that’s not the point)? and some look at me with a mix of pity and amusement. people were excited about me acting as a hobby. “yeah, look at my niece, she does drama classes. she played on stage with her friends at this festival and they won first place! cool, right?”; the amount of times i’ve been submitted to listening to this is surprising. it’s cool if someone you know acts - as long as it’s a hobby. “acting is not a job.”, “don’t you want a real job? how about lawyer? doctor, maybe?”. yes, there are still people who think actors spend a couple of hours on a set, waisting time, filming a bunch of scenes and being payed millions for little to no work. yes, some still think it’s an easy job. some think anyone can do it. “it’s a job for the stupid people”. 

things like these coming from people so dear to my heart made me give up at some point. “grow up, choose a real job...” i’d tell myself. “you need to give a concrete answer to your parents and you need to find something realistic.” i was on the ground. my dreams were shattered and my heart was broken. i was simply confused. i couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else. i guess my biggest heartbreak in life was not because of that boy i loved or that ‘friend’ who hurt me; it was me having to give up on my one true love so i can actually “do something with my life”. i didn’t know what being lost was before that.

and then came la la land (and with this comes my apology for the long details of my life that you probably don’t care about; stay with me though). i went to see it at the beginning of this year with a friend of mine. i remember we even used to joke about it while waiting in line to get tickets for rogue one a month before. “don’t go to rogue one. go see la la land” we’d whisper, hoping that all those people waiting in line were not going to steal our seats for our movie, that they’d go to “la la land” instead. but then we decided we should go, after i lost nights listening to city of stars. and i’m happy we did, because that day, i promised myself that i will follow my dream and that my love for acting is not a shame, it’s not just a substitute for a “respectable” job i can’t perform. it’s who i am and it is what i want from my life. la la land gave me hope. it was an awakening. i was sitting in my seat, staring at that huge screen, sometimes glancing at my friend who was just as lost in the magic of the movie as i was and i remembered the feeling of being on stage, probably the strongest and nicest feeling i’ve ever felt in my life. i remembered that i’ve been doing it my whole life, ever since i was a small child. i’d come home from watching a movie or seeing a play and i’d rush into my room because i wanted to reenact what i had just seen. it later became my escape and now it’s the only thing that i feel belongs to me, the only thing that i’m sure of, the only thing that feels safe. all these colorful feelings, forgotten, but brought back by this lovely movie that has unexpectedly become one of my favourites. 

people love moonlight because they relate. i’m happy that black LGBT teenagers and adults get to see a movie that reflects their entire life as disadvantaged individuals, bullied for aspects that they have no control over such as skin color and sexual orientation and finally get to say “someone understands!”. it brings me even more joy to see it getting so much appreciation. and i understand why people love it so much. it’s a representation of their community and struggles. their story is finally being told. someone is finally shedding light on their community’s rough situation and it was about the time. they see themselves in the characters, they feel their pain because that pain was their own at some point. it’s about your personal connection with the story and characters, just like it is with any form of art. it’s you and the art, nothing else and the way you feel it makes the difference. we relate. we see ourselves in the artwork. 

that’s one of the aspects i love most about art and subsequently, about the impact moonlight had on people of color. it’s the realization that you are not alone. and just like people found themselves while watching moonlight, i and possibly many more people found ourselves in la la land and i wish you respected that. 

i wish you didn’t make a war out of it. i wish you didn’t encourage division, but rather promote unity. instead of attacking each other based on our differences, we should appreciate film and it’s impact on human life. how an award show that had the purpose of celebrating the best of hollywood/american film turned into a fight over supremacy and negativity is beyond me. you need to understand that comparing moonlight and la la land is like trying to decide which one’s best: drinking water or eating food. you don’t need to see moonlight or la la land to tell that they’re very different. so instead of fighting and throwing shade, how about we just accept that film, as an art form, speaks differently to people and that our life experiences influence our view on it? 

i honestly think it’s amazing a movie like moonlight won the oscar for best picture and i’m not at all questioning the academy’s decision (i’m not even entitled to), but i do believe this shade-throwing towards la la land is unnecessary and only causes trouble. i think it’s about time people stopped attacking each other and started spreading positivity, instead of only throwing negativity all around the place. the oscars have been used as a platform to raise awareness for so long and we should use that as a way to promote good values in a nice manner, rather than try to make justice by firing conflicts. let’s turn this into a peaceful and friendly thing, because i think it’s about time. labeling only divides. we need unity, not separation. 

[jamkookies]

° Bon Voyage °

• Part X •

Bad Influence

~

You'd held him like a child.

He hadn't been able to say anything else, the unspoken words threatening to break him down.

So you had held him, swallowing back your tears for his sake and rocking him back and forth.

You hadn't pushed him to talk any further, scared of making him relive the experience all over again.

Some moments later, the nurses had come into the room and urged him to use the wheelchair and he had never left your eyes for a second, even when the door closed behind him.

You were now left with a feeling of emptiness that no other person could fill.

You just couldn't wrap your head around the fact that he had killed a person for you.

A despicable, evil, but living person nonetheless.

Just how far could Jungkook go for your sake? you thought.

"I hope you're feeling better by now."

You turn your head to the side and see Manager Sejin sitting on the same chair.

You hadn't even noticed him, too absorbed into the swirling vortex of thoughts in your mind.

There's a smile on his lips but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Good. Then we can continue."

He pulls his chair close to your bed and props his elbows on his knees.

"You do realize you have caused us a lot of trouble, right?" he begins.

You fail to look him in the eye as the embarrassment of recent events causes heat to rise in your face.

"I know and I am really sorry."

"Just being sorry isn't enough, though. I would've let you off the hook if you had brought these things only to yourself but the problem is, you haven't.

You've made the other members get caught up into your situations."

As you slowly raise your head, you notice that this isn't just a normal scolding session. Sejin wasn't gonna let this go with just a couple of warnings.

The guy was serious about this and you had to admit, he was right.

Jungkook had had to kill someone because of you.

You wished you had died instead.

"First, I get notified by the bodyguards that you had thrown a tantrum at the beach, unnecessarily looking for Jimin when he was safe and sound just a little further. Then, you get drunk as a skunk, making us delete all the footage ,and let's not even mention the childish swearing and cussing."

You open your mouth to say something, but no words come out.

What could you possibly tell him?

He was right about everything.

"Did you know what Jungkook had to do? He said that when the man came back, he tried to kidnap you again. While they were brawling, Jungkook had

grabbed a rock and smashed it into his skull."

You stare at him, mouth agape.

Jungkook...

"He was in a state of shock because of what he'd done, but he managed to pull himself together for you. And you don't even know what he went through because you've been unconscious for two days".

He sighs and lowers his tone a little bit, trying not to get too carried away.

"I know that not everything that happened is your fault. Jungkook said he was the one who pushed you to go out of the bodyguards' sight, but that doesn't justify your actions.

You should realize that the boys, especially Jungkook, tend to be more reckless when they're around you. I don't know if it is to prove you something or just because they want to."

He glares at you with daggers shooting from his eyes.

"I also noticed that you've become rather close with him."

You duck your head again in shame. He had almost caught you red-handed a while ago.

"Listen, Y/N. I'm going to be honest with you. You're really good at your job. You can sing, dance and perform perfectly, but you're no good for the boys.

You're a bad influence."

There they were.

The words you had been expecting.

You'd figured out that it was a matter of time before he'd say them.

You muster up the courage to raise your head as a final act of maintaining your dignity.

There's no emotion in your words - no hate, no hard feelings. Just pure professionalism.

"I'm really sorry about everything. I'll pack up my bags as soon as they remove my bandages."

He nods once and you can't help but almost cringe at his sigh of obvious satisfaction.

"It was nice knowing you, Y/N-ssi." he says and offers a hand for you to shake on.

You extend yours and fight the urge to squeeze it harder than you have to.

He rises from his seat and leaves the room.

You felt like someone had ripped a chunk from your heart and shredded it to pieces.

No more concerts, no more shows, no more shooting, no more fun time spending with the boys.

No more family.

It was time for you to leave the group.

* * *

"So, what was so urgent that you called all of us here?"

You're stalling for time, not knowing how to say it to them, and Namjoon wasn't making it any easier with those pretty eyes of his boring into you.

"I have been thinking a lot lately." you say. "And I've noticed that there are so many things that I have to fix."

"Like what?" Jin asks.

"My life. It's pretty much in shambles right now."

"Uh-oh, I think the nurses must have put something into her medicine." Taehyung says.

"I'm not joking, hyung. This is serious."

"Is this because of the accident? We thought you'd gotten over it by now." Jimin approaches you with worried eyes.

"It's not just that. Everything I've done has gone for the worse and I don't feel well."

"Is there something bothering you? Are you sick?"

"No, I just-"

"What exactly are you trying to say?" Namjoon insists.

"I'm saying that I need to take a break."

"For how long?" Yoongi asks.

"Forever."

"What?!" Taehyung exclaims.

The others echo him and you're left with their constant buzzing into your ears, words that you can't discern.

"What do you mean by forever? Is this some kind of joke?"

You say nothing.

"Y/N, we know you feel bad about what Jungkook did but it was not your fault."

Jimin looks at you sympathetically and you almost drop your guard, almost tell him that it was not your choice, that you had to do this because of them.

You'd realized they wouldn't let you go if you told them the truth so you had to improvise. Let them think you were leaving the group to satisfy your own ego. Be selfish for once.

It was the only way they could carry on without you.

"I know that, hyung. But I don't feel like doing this anymore. I think I'm gonna do things on my own from now on."

Hurt flashes in his eyes and you can feel your heart being shattered into a million pieces.

"You wanna go solo?" Jin asks.

You still say nothing.

"But we've been together for so long." Taehyung pleads.

They look at you expectantly, begging for you to at least show some emotion, except for Namjoon, who can't seem to take his distrustful eyes off of you.

Damn him and his 148 IQ.

You muster up the courage as you try to keep your voice from shaking.

"It's time I leave the group."

"You what?!"

You snap your head towards the voice and you suddenly wish for the floor to split open and swallow you whole.

Jungkook is standing on the doorway, flabbergasted at your declaration.

He closes the distance in three long strides, instantly at the side of the bed.

For a moment you forget about everything and almost cry in relief at his improvement. There was still a hint of limping but he was walking just fine.

"Tell me this is a joke."

"I..."

"Y/N."

"I'm not joking."

It's like all of his face loses its pigment, and he just stares at you, speechless.

Then, two droplets of tears slide from his cheeks to his chin.

You'd never seen him cry since debuting.

"After all we got through, you're giving up now? You wanna chase after your dreams? Huh? Is that what you wanna do?"

"Jungkook, please..."

"Why now? Why now out of all times?" His voice cracks and it's the most heartbreaking sound you've ever heard.

You can't do this anymore.

You have to get out, get away before the truth spills from your lips.

On the verge of tears, you rip the blanket off of you and start clawing at the tubes attached to your arms.

"Y/N, what are you doing - " you hear the others say, but you can't stop.

Out.

You had to get out.

Jungkook grips you by your forearm with pleading eyes but you shake him off.

Out.

"Are you okay?"

"Y/N, I'll call the nurses-"

"Just let her go". Namjoon's voice.

In nothing but your hospital gown, you make your way out of the room.

* * *

The continuous chirping of the birds doesn't do anything to calm the raging storm of emotions in you. You felt conflicted, having to choose between playing the bad guy and being truthful.

You hated it with all your might but there was nothing else you could do.

It had come to this.

"Int tajjeb?" the nurse asks you in Maltese.

"Iva. Grazzi."

At least the week spent here had proven to be worthy of something.

You'd managed to learn some basic phrases and you could understand that she had just told you if you were okay now.

The nurse offers you a smile and scuttles away, tending to another patient.

You take a deep breath of the crispy air and let it sink in.

The bench you were sitting on and your lack of undergarment beneath the gown didn't do anything to shield you from the cold breeze.

Oh, how you wished you could let everything go to hell.

You were sick and tired of it.

What were you gonna do from now on?

Where were you gonna go?

Just go back to your parents in shame, with not a single decent excuse to why you had left?

Absolutely not.

You feel a jacket being thrown around your shoulders and you lift your eyes to see Hoseok's head above you, wearing an apologetic smile.

"Thanks." you barely a whisper.

He takes a seat next to you and stares ahead.

"You know, I've only seen Jungkook cry before we debuted." he says in a low, cautious voice. "I was going through a lot and I decided to leave the group. The kid started bawling his eyes out. I don't think he ever cried like that for his parents."

You nod, remembering all too well the exact look on his face when Hoseok had claimed his farewell.

He turns his head now, looking at you dead in the eye.

"Jungkook loves you, Y/N. We all know that."

You almost choke by the straight-forwardness of his words

"And I know you're not really interested in starting a solo career. You think we're dumb?"

"But I-"

He stops you with a palm raised in front of him.

"I don't want to hear it. But just know,

Y/N, that Jungkook doesn't deserve to experience this for the second time."

You gulp harshly and the sting of your next lie makes your throat hurt.

"Well, then tell Jungkook that I also have a life to live."

It was over.

You were never gonna go back to how it was before.

The words had been said and the damage had been made.

All of it intentionally.

If he wasn't gonna fall for your previous lies, then he would definitely buy this.

He doesn't say anything but the shock is quite visible on his face.

He nods once and leaves without looking back.

The jacket slips from your shoulders and along with it, the fake mask of your pretention.

* * *

The heavy suitcase weighs you down and it's all you can do not to scrape it on the floor.

Clad in new, comfortable clothes you make your way towards the room with the number 215 on it.

You can't get rid of the nervousness that has taken hold of you, no matter how hard you try.

With shaking hands, you put the suitcase on the ground and crack the door open, careful not to make a sound.

He's laying on his back, wrapped up in the blankets, eyes closed.

You grimace, trying to hold in the whimper that rises in your throat.

Feet light as a cat, you approach the bed, obviously too small for him as his legs were sticking out of the frame.

If only you knew how much I love you.

If only you knew how I wish we could stay like this forever.

You bend down and press a feather-light kiss on his forehead.

The last time you'll ever look at him like this, drinking him in, savoring the feeling of his image behind your eyelids.

He was gonna hate you with all his might, you knew that.

You knew it and you still did what you had to do.

As long as he is safe.

As long as they are safe.

You take backwards steps and close the door behind you, your heart now a shattered mess.