#sometimes just being femme in those kind of spaces still is like being treated like a freak or a sexy quirky wifey or that i would want male

[xxe123spiderfreakxx]

u know, those "so misogynistic they're gay" jokes are fucking gut busters until someone says to ur face after u explained about how cruel and gross boys and men on the internet were to u or ur friends or just girl characters and being super gross about girls and other oppressed genders (and marginalized groups in general but specifically am focusing on gender in this post) in their fandom space to the point it drove u out of them for years during the 2010s,

"haha, sounds kinda fruity tho ngl"

fuck my faggoty ass tho ig, think of those poor wittle puppies- they needed to scream at some girls their own age or younger to help them realize they wanted to kiss boys fuck off get dead shit ur pants 🫶🔨🔨🔨🗡🩸

for folks who have "reformed" or whatever they sure love to wear that previous meanness like a badge of honor.

anyway.

just letting off some steam bc i was genuinely so taken aback by ppl responding like that to me talking my experience with witnessing/experiencing targeted bullying and harassment and normalized misogyny in fandom spaces. i was like "read the room???"

like i laugh at the funny light yagami death note jokes too but not bc i like the character light yagami??? im laughing at that weiner's expense. i just like that queer ppl have overrun the dn fandom space and now light is getting the proper lashing he deserves after years of getting sucked off and we're celebrating previous underdogs misa, mello, etc. ;p

my main discomforts i mentioned to them were the sonic and pokemon fandoms back in the day where the nastiest boys and men came to throw up their filth at u and u were just trying to watch someone A rank team dark's story in peace??

god im so happy theyve become less nightmare of spaces, even without having to peek around corners for the right proper spaces u best fit. improvements need made still but gosh it's a breath of fresh air now vs then

[seakicker]

Did you ever hesitate and feel scared to show your naked body to your boyfriend for the first time? I’m chubby and I’m still not at the stage where I feel comfortable showing anyone 🥲

so i was mulling over this ask for a bit cuz i have so much to say about this topic and my thoughts on it are still pretty complicated even as someone who has navigated exposing myself to someone else for the first time. remember that it's totally okay to still be a virgin regardless of your age; there's no rush and there should never be any shame associated with being a virgin in your 20s or beyond; it makes me sad when people are like "i can't believe i'm still a virgin at 25" as if there's some kind of deadline on being intimate with someone else or that you somehow stop being desirable as you age-- neither of these things are true!

to answer your question, yes. i did feel really hesitant the first time i undressed in front of him and, to be honest with you, i still feel that way sometimes even though he's seen me naked more times than i can count since that initial first time about two months ago. i'm not going to pessimistically say that the feeling never goes away or anything like that because it certainly isn't as intense now as it was back then-- the feeling really only resurfaces when i'm already having a bad day or when i've been in a particularly insecure spell-- but it is something i continue to think about as our relationship progresses and as i learn to become more vulnerable with him emotionally and sexually.

he and i have already talked about this a little but one of the consistent struggles i have is that i sometimes treat sex more as an opportunity to look good rather than feel good so i prioritize 'performing' more than i prioritize just having a good time, relaxing, and being in touch with myself and my body and i think a lot of these feelings are really heightened by being a plus-size person (more specifically a plus-size woman because i think the specific intersectionality of being femme and being plus-sized is insanely important when discussing sex and self-image) because i have thoughts like "how does my stomach look from this angle?" "i don't like being viewed from behind because i'm embarrassed of how my rolls look" and things like that. i worry about looking less than my "sexiest" and i'm still unlearning the idea that "sexy = thin" or that i need to make myself look as small as possible to be sexy because that's not true whatsoever. i don't need to suck in my stomach or twist my waist to hide my rolls or anything, and neither does anyone else-- you don't have to shrink yourself out of fear you're taking up too much space bc you're wonderful as is.

there's a lot of little ways you find comfort when it comes to being nude in front of someone else. for instance, i have a lot of insecurity about being viewed from behind bc i've always been really insecure about my back rolls and my ass (more like the lack thereof) and so sometimes positions like doggy style (despite being my #2 fave position) can cause me some anxiety bc i worry about how i look from angles i know i don't like seeing myself in. despite that, my boyfriend will praise me and compliment me not because he's just trying to make me feel better or because he feels obligated to say those sorts of things, he says it because he genuinely feels that way and because, simply put, other people don't view you the way you view yourself. other people love you for you in ways that you don't love you for you and so i think little moments like that are insanely special. hearing those compliments when i'm worrying and worrying and worrying about how i look are extremely comforting and grounding; they bring me back to reality when i'm so caught up in my own head and they're just. very healing.

i have about a thosand and a half tips when it comes to the question of "how do i learn to love myself/my body more?" and i don't want anyone to think that the only solution is finding someone else who'll compliment you when you can't compliment yourself bc that's just not true. it is possible to learn to love yourself while you're single and, in fact, 95% of my own self-love journey has been accomplished solo rather than within the boundaries of a relationship. of course, the relationship helps with external reassurance, but i know that i'm beautiful because i think i'm beautiful, not because other people find me beautiful. non-sexual nudity has been infinitely more healing for my self image than sexual-nudity ever has been; just learning to love your body and exist with it rather than against it is the most important tip imo. eating cereal naked, sleeping naked, lying in bed naked, doing chores naked-- just allowing yourself to, well, be with yourself and see yourself in the nude is a really nice and non-intrusive (ie rather than going out in public in a swimsuit) way of learning to accept and love your body more.

don't force yourself to be vulnerable before you're ready to be vulnerable and remember that you'll always be perfect as you are-- and that sometimes the greatest comfort comes from knowing that other people don't see the flaws we see in ourselves bc we're all our own worst critics. you'll be okay!

[cowboyjen68]

Dear Jen, I don’t know who else to talk to about this..I was seeing this amazing butch woman for a few months. She was the first butch I’ve dated who’s treated me with respect and has been emotionally open with me- I felt so safe and cared for with her. We weren’t official or anything, but I felt like I could be her femme and I was starting to develop stronger feelings.

She ended things about 2 months ago due to our age gap, almost 8 years part, and her saying that she couldn’t give me the serious relationship I wanted at that moment. I respected her honesty and how gentle she was with my feelings. She assured me I hadn’t done anything wrong and that she’s very attracted to me, and that she eventually wants us to be friends.

I’ve told her not to text me, even friendly texts because it hurts to be in contact with her..I’m trying to give myself space from her and have have started dating again…but I miss her so much and these other women I’m seeing just aren’t her..they don’t have her warmth or charm or humor…I feel like if I try to be friends with her I’ll just be torturing myself and I’ll always be longing for more

I am sorry that you are hurting and I completely understand loosing a woman you are deeply in love with. That stupid saying "sometimes love is not enough" is accurate and I hate it.

It is always a bit of a balancing act to not want to loose contact, even breifly but also getting distance to heal. All of my exes/women I breifly dated are now my friends (although my ex wife passed away we were friends to an extent). We all took time to heal by getting some distance and then we came back around to appreciate the history we shared.

However, my last girlfriend is also my best friend. I have never been so in love in my life. Not that I didn't love my other girlfriends but I was perhaps not in the space to be completely open to giving my trust, heart and soul and they were also not in a space to return those wholeheartedly. And not of them were a "just perfect fit" but more of a "yeah this is ok" kind of relationship.

We have made the decision to not break contact because that pain is too much. It has been a year and few months and, while I am still in love and I believe she is too, we are able to navigate friendship pretty well. Once she decides to date I will have to cross that heartbreak bridge when we come to it. I don't feel like dating is something I care to do now. That might change. It might not, but my heart is not open for another right now.

That all being said I am 54 and pretty settled in life with jobs, a mortgage, a teenager and a focus on some life goals that I have put off for too long. You are probably younger, less finite in your path.

You are not obligated to date right now. If you need time to not date that is okay. You will probably heal faster if you take time away from the other woman. The hardest part about continued contact is that every time you speak or text a small part of you, whether on purpose or not, thinks "maybe we can make it work" or "perhaps she will see we belong together"

Human nature is often to find hope in a situation that hurts if the answer is finite. A little bit of" maybe" is easier that "no".

As hard as it is may be, take some time away. It does not have to be forever. And she absolutely sounds like a respectul and caring woman who will give you space and leave the ball in your court so when you are ready for friendship you can reach out.

Time and distance might help you feel better about dating but you are under no obligation or time line to do that. If you need to let yourself hurt for a while don't fight it too much. It is okay to not try to "get over her" as fast as possible. Big butch hugs from me to you.

[hummingbird-games]

Five Things You Never Get Tired of Writing

Tagged by @crescencestudio your answers were GOLD!!! now I gotta string  some words together and hope they make sense lol 🤧

sibling relationships - I’m sorry, but as someone who is a sibling and grew UP with siblings, I can smell a fake interaction a mile away LOL. It’s always been a pet peeve of mine to read books or watch movies and it’s painfully obvious that the writer has no idea what a real sibling interaction looks like oh my goodness. So I’ve taken it upon myself to write good rep LOL and now it’s in everything I make.

teenagers! (the drama, the mundane, the absurd, all of it!!) - Teens can be terrifying, confusing, immature, a hassle, etc. etc. But I feel like on top of the general disrespect and neglect demonstrated, (American) society just doesn’t give a shit about its kids and not-quite-yet-adults?? And in many instances there’s this huge rush to for kids to grow up mature? It’s disgusting. YA as a genre is still ridiculed in a lot of spaces, there’s a serious decline in teen movies being made right now (though there’s a few that cropped up recently, that doesn’t account for how many more could be made), and I personally feel like there’s quite a few experiences I missed out on just for being a Black girl 🤷🏾‍♀️. I love this age group and writing about it because it’s a period of firsts: all the things and experiences that adults have already done or have no interest in revisiting are such a Big Deal for those 13-19 year olds in my opinion and it’s just fun. 

 high maintenance girlies aka “Why do you do the most???” 💅🏾 I actually read this more than I write it, but when I DO write it??? I feel so powerful lol. Maybe it’s cause most people in my real life see me one way, but 90% of the time I’m just harboring gremlin energy and I get a special vindication when I see women/girls/femme who are stubborn beyond belief, angry, or type A personalities. The problem is most people don’t like reading about these type of characters so most times I’m writing for myself aha...

dialogue (specifically conversations) - I love any kind of banter, I love goofy, random conversations, I love quoting cartoons and movies unironically, and I gobble that ish up when others do it!! I feel like you learn a lot of about characters through their dialogue, especially with what they don’t say sometimes. 

grief - So I was running out of things for the list and decided to pull out my old wips and completed stuff, and this was a common thing that came up???? Like a lot of writers, I have to put the words to paper to process what’s going on, and the thing about grief is that you can process it all you want, but a lot of times it doesn’t make sense?? And it’s treated as something to ‘get over’ when the reality it grief this natural thing. And it doesn’t even have to be the physical death of a loved one (though it’s a thing I write about) but it can be the death of a situation, the end of a non-romantic relationship, whatever. It’s painful but I find myself exploring it anyway. 

(tagging @tuffmallowinteractive @jaunefleurwrites @jelpiparade @robobarbie @lovebirdgames @velvetfoxgames @rieindiegames @twincovesgame but feel free to ignore!!)

[itsactuallywhitewolf]

I know you did a tom boy!reader headcanon, but could you do something on the flip side like a hyper femme reader with marc spector + steven grant. Like maybe she's kinda a bimbo but strong and can protect herself.

I had so many thoughts about this after writing the headcanon about the tomboy!reader, too! I'm so glad you asked, now here's a whole list of how I think Steven/Marc/Jake would be like with a femme!reader

I already mentioned in the other ask that Marc would most likely be a little overwhelmed by a femme significant other

not because of how you are as a person, no, he loves you, you were amazing, his light in the darkness, but more because you own so. many. things. (yes, we'll go with material gurl energy😌💅🏻)

Steven's apartment was already cramped enough and when you moved in, well, let's say there wasn't much space left...

clothes, accesoires, make up, shoes, bags, and so much more stuff poor Marc couldn't keep up with

if you'd ask him where a certain object is the man would simply stop working because he for the god of love doesn't know where anything is, let alone his own stuff

but he LOVES how you are somehow so organized within all the mess? if you know what i mean?

he'd love how you'd dress up for dates, your outfit and makeup on point every single time

"Y/N, are you ready? We're gonna be late!" - And when you'd step out of the bathroom after finishing you hair and makeup, looking all dolled, up his jaw would just drop to the floor

in that moment he'd rather like to cancel date night and just pull you into the bedroom with him

he's such a simp for you

but not as much as Stephen would be

oh Stephen

that man would WORSHIP THE EARTH YOU WALKED ON OKAY?

once he even asked Khonshu if he was able to change the weather only so he could see you wearing one of you pretty sundresses

he would watch you put on mascara and would be awestruck

if you'd scratch his head with your freshly manicured nails and he would nearly have a stroke

and if you'd ever come home from a shopping spree and show him the new set of lingerie you bought that day he'd simply pass away on the spot

i'm not saying that Stephen would prefer a femme! significant other, but the man's just fascinated by everything feminine and loves when you do it

one of the things he'd love most is when you would wear one of those silk nightgowns to bed, legs bare and soft against his skin

poor Stevie would have a hard time containing himself around you

you are the most beautiful person he'd ever met, kind hearted and sweet, and a soul of pure sunshine, he still wonders how on earth you ended up with him

he'd do anything for you, he's just down that bad for you

and then there was Jake

Jake fucking Lockley

okay so listen

you'd think Jake would be annoyed by all that feminine stuff and so on

but the man is just a different kind of breed

out of all the three he would be the one that loved you being a hyper femme the most

he adored it

you put on a new perfume? he would be glued onto you, inhaling your scent and kissing your neck for hours

he would even paint your nails, sometimes even putting some nail polish on his own

he would take you out to the fanciest places, treating you like royalty

to him, you were more than a million dollars

Jake brought out the more elegant but also more sexy part in you

if Jake saw you wearing high heel stilettos, he'd go feral, urging you to the closest place where you'd have some sort of privacy to show you what you do to him

and you couldn't complain, to be honest

all three of them would love you and your femme side, not ever complaining about it or so, they accepted you the way you are and love all parts of you, be it from the outside or the inside🤍

y'all can send in more thoughts/ asks/ headcanons if you want!

[jackrrabbit]

practice makes perfect /// Mitsuri x f!Reader (18+)

Request: Hey! I read your Shinobu NSFW thing. I was wondering if you could write a Mitsuri NSFW thing but not as intense? Like Mitsuri and her female S/o are cuddling and things get a really steamy so they start kissing and fingering each other? Please and thank you!

A/N: REPOSTING because when I posted this a few hours ago it was glitching and not showing up in tags and stuff :( sorry to anyone who has already seen it!

I love Mitsuri and I get so few f/f reqs so ty for the request 💕 Y’all know idk how to write true vanilla so this is a little more spicy (Mitsuri and reader are not in an established relationship), but I made it soft just for you anon

Summary: When the most popular girl in school offers to help you practice kissing, it’s not like you’re going to say no.

Tags/warnings: inexperienced reader, femme preppy Mitsuri, she’s a little soft dom? like just a tiny bit, mild orgasm control, fluffy smut, crushes, modern high school AU, heteronormativity, reader thinks she’s straight lmao, all characters are adults

Okay, Mitsuri isn’t just the queen bee of your school. She’s also the prettiest girl you’ve ever met. It shouldn’t be possible for a person to be that beautiful, much less fair—what was god thinking when he gave her that pink and green hair that would look clownish on anyone but her? Those thick, dark eyelashes framing eyes you feel like you could drown in? Those long, perfect legs?

(Not that you stare at her legs or something. It’s just—your school uniform skirts are kind of short, and she always wears those striped thigh-highs, and she sits next to you in senior Biology and sometimes she stretches her legs out in the aisle between your desks and flexes them while she sighs during long lectures, and seriously, her legs are perfect.)

Mitsuri is the kind of girl who gets asked out by a different guy every other day. She has a fan club. Boys write Mr. _____ Kanroji in their notebooks, circle it with hearts, and fantasize about marrying her. She has more ex-boyfriends than you have Facebook friends. So you’re really sure why, somehow, you two have become…close?

If you have to, you can trace your friendship back to that Biology class. The teacher has a bad habit of cold-calling students for answers to questions, which makes him pretty unpopular. You’ve gotten used to it over the months, deciding that rebelling is a less productive method of dealing with it than just making sure to review the textbook chapters at least twice before every class, but apparently Mitsuri isn’t quite as familiar with the material.

When the teacher calls on her (a bit vindictively, you think, probably because she’s chewing pink bubblegum and drawing cherry blossoms in the composition book she’s supposed to be taking notes in) to ask her something about determining whether an organism’s life cycle exhibits zygotic, gametic, or sporic meiosis, she just gapes blankly back at him.

You feel sorry for her. It’s always painful to watch when someone can’t answer a question in class—you might be a fairly good student, but you still sympathize with how embarrassing it is to be put on the spot like that. The teacher refuses to move on, repeating her name and prodding her until her face is flushed bright pink and her lower lip is trembling. You’re not trying to pity her, but you can’t help it, and before you can think better of it you’re writing ‘compare diploid and haploid forms’ in the corner of your notebook and surreptitiously sliding it her way.

After the class, she pulls you aside in the hallway to thank you, eyes bright, telling you you’re so smart and kind and thoughtful and wondering how come she’s never talked to you before. “What a waste! We sat next to each other all semester, and I’m only getting to know you now.”

No wonder she’s popular. Her exuberance is infectious, like her good mood is seeping into your skin from her hand wrapped around yours. Mitsuri isn’t just pretty, she’s the kind of person who makes you feel good about herself just by being near her.

You’re about 100% sure that’s the last time the two of you will talk (unless she needs help with Bio homework and decides you’re the best candidate to get answers from). But it’s not. Mitsuri insists on treating you to boba after class—you try to deny her but she refuses to hear it and you can’t say no to her when she looks at you with those pretty jade-chip eyes. You get milk tea with black tapioca pearls swimming in caramelized fried sugar; her drink is jasmine rose fruit tea with tiny cubes of green apple floating at the top. “It looks like your hair,” you tell her, motioning toward the pink-and-green drink.

“Really?” Mitsuri’s cheeks turn red, which you notice is a frequent occurrence for her. “That’s why I got it. Isn’t it cute? I love how pretty all of the drinks are at this teahouse.”

The two of you split a little matcha cake. And then a vanilla taro cake. And then Mitsuri orders sweet potato fries and gyoza and fried chicken and shrimp tempura and wow, this girl can eat. “I kind of have a big appetite,” she tells you shyly some time around her fourth order of hanami dango. “Sorry, is it weird?”

“Not at all! It’s cute,” you blurt out, and then immediately cover your mouth. Cute? Where did that come from? That’s not the kind of thing you’re supposed to be saying to a girl you barely even know, or is it? Maybe you’re overthinking this. Mitsuri is so beautiful it’s hard to think straight around her.

You’re so busy staring down at your lap and blushing that you don’t notice she’s doing the same thing.

Mitsuri seems to take that teashop date hangout as permission to pursue a full-fledged friendship with you. Before you know it, she’s inviting herself over to your house after school, dragging you to cafés and picnics to study together on the weekends, and begging you to sit with her at lunch. Her other friends don’t seem thrilled at your being her favorite new playmate, but she doesn’t mind it so you try not to, either.

Like right now. It’s a weekend, and she’s decided that her house is going to be the setting for an overnight Bio study session slash sleepover in anticipation of the test you have coming up. You’re scouring the textbook for an answer at her desk while Mitsuri lies on her stomach on her bed with her feet kicked up behind her and crossed at the ankles. Graded quizzes are spread out in an arc around her on the cotton candy-colored duvet, and the sparkly gel pen she’s using to write flash cards is poking out of the corner of her mouth. With her fair skin barely covered by a tank top and shorts, loose hair flowing over her back, and dark brows furrowed in concentration, she looks like the centerfold of a teen magazine from the 90s.

I bet guys have wet dreams about her, you think. Then you shut down that line of thinking, shut it all the way down because you’re not supposed to be thinking these things about a female friend, no matter how pretty she is or how glossy her lips look even though she’s just wearing chapstick or how good she smells (like strawberries? honey? or whatever sweet she ate last, you’re not sure). But you can’t quite tamp down the feeling that you’ve stumbled on some unbelievable luck to get close to her.

You’re not the only one having trouble focusing on your studies. “I’m done with this!” Mitsuri exclaims, throwing down her pen so it makes a stray line on the quiz she was reviewing before it bounces off the bed. “I’m so tired of studying, aren’t you? If I learn another thing about cell division my brain is going to explode. Can’t we take a break?”

“Sure, if you want to get another 43%. Didn’t your dad say he’s going to stop paying your snack food fund if you fail one more exam?”

Her pink mouth drops open. “Hey! That’s not fair, I didn’t tell you that to use it against me. Be nice.”

But after a second, Mitsuri’s pout turns into a giggle. She hooks her foot around the stem of the office chair you’re sitting in and pulls it toward the bed along with you. “Come on! Let’s talk about love. Do you have a crush?”

You roll your eyes but relent, sliding off the chair and onto the big, fluffy bed next to Mitsuri. You can always get back to reviewing after you take a short break, right? She gathers up the quizzes and notecards and dumps them unceremoniously on the nightstand by her bed to make space for you, all too eager to stop thinking about Bio.

“I don’t have a crush,” you tell her.

“Really? There’s no one you think is cute? No one you want to get to know a little better?”

Well…if that’s what she means… You glance sideways at her. There’s definitely someone you think is cute who you want to get to know better. She doesn’t have to know it’s her—not that you have a crush on her; that would be ridiculous.

If she’s going to get that excited about your potential crush, how are you supposed to tell her you don’t have one? You’ll just have to pretend, for her sake. “I guess there’s someone. I wouldn’t call it love, but…”

Long black lashes flutter up at you as Mitsuri blinks. “Oh my gosh, who is it?”

“It’s a secret,” you say quickly.

“Aww, but I wanna know who you have a crush on!” She scooches closer to you and pokes you gently in the side. “Do I know him? Is he a senior? What does he look like? What do you like about him?”

“Um yeah, you know…him. He’s a senior but you’ll never—seriously never guess who it is, so don’t even try. He’s…really good-looking, I don’t know. He has nice hair…and, um, nice legs. And he…” you trail off, wondering what you can say about your secret ‘crush’ that won’t tip Mitsuri off that you’re talking about her.

“…I like him. He talks a lot but you can tell he cares about what you’re saying when he’s listening to you. He’s kind of dreamy and self-conscious about dumb things but it just makes me like him more.”

Was that too much? Mitsuri is looking into your eyes in pure rapture, holding onto every word you say. Are you being obvious? But—no way. She’s so loved by guys that she’d never even suspect that a girl could like her too.

Not that you like her. Not like that, at least.

After a moment when you feel your heart beating so deeply that you’re sure she can hear it too, she smiles sweetly and pinches your cheek. “You’re really pretty when you’re talking about your crush, (Y/N). You look like a maiden.”

You bite your lip, not sure whether to be embarrassed or flattered. If any other girl as beautiful as Mitsuri called you pretty, you’d think they were being insincere, but she’s not like that. Her genuine affection shines through in everything she does. If you’re pretty, she’s Helen of Troy.

“What do you mean, ‘a maiden’?” you ask.

“I don’t know,” Mitsuri says, tracing invisible hearts into her bedspread with a fingertip. “You just look…innocent somehow? Like this is your first love.”

You duck down, blushing.

“Wait, really?” She sits up and easily flips you over onto your back (sometimes you forget that a decade of cheerleading has made her at least a dozen times as strong as you are) so she can blink brightly at you. “This is your first love? Ooh…”

“Is that so weird?” you ask a little defensively. “I don’t get a lot of crushes.”

“No, it’s not weird! It’s cute,” Mitsuri says. “But aren’t you nervous? What if you fall in love with him and you guys start dating and you don’t know how to do anything?”

“Do what?”

“You know. Like, kissing and stuff. Aren’t you worried that you’ll have your first kiss with him and he’ll be like, ‘oh my gosh, you can’t even kiss, I don’t like you anymore’.”

“No one would say that,” you reply, but the scenario does strike a pang of anxiousness in your heart. You’ve always been too focused on school and friends and family to bother worrying about love, but the truth is you have worried about the fact that you’re soon going to be a high school graduate who has never so much as kissed another person on the lips.

“You have no idea,” Mitsuri sighs. “Boys are so mean. But I can’t believe you haven’t had your first kiss!”

“That’s rude,” you say, wrinkling your nose.

She flaps her hands in the air frantically. “No, no I didn’t mean it like that! Sorry! I just meant I can’t believe you’ve never had a boyfriend when you’re so pretty and nice. The boy who locks you down is going to feel super lucky that he gets to take all of your firsts.”

You sit up next to Mitsuri and lean back on her cushioned headboard. “I don’t care about that. Honestly, I’d rather have some practice before I get involved with anyone.”

A beat passes. Then— “Really? You want practice?”

You shrug. “I mean, I guess? But it’s not like I can just pick up some random guy and tell him to let me practice kissing.”

Mitsuri cocks her head to the side and long pink fringe falls away from her face. “You don’t need to do that. Just practice with me.”

“Huh? What do you mean?” What, is she going to give you tips on tongue technique or something?

“…Like this,” Mitsuri says softly—and then her delicate hand is stroking up the side of your jaw and carding into your hair, tilting your head to face hers and pulling you closer. She hesitates before she makes contact, looking in your eyes as if to confirm are you okay with this? But (maybe because you’re caught off guard, maybe because you think you do need the practice, or maybe because that angelic strawberry-honey smell is way too intoxicating up close) you don’t stop her, and she leans in and completes the kiss.

It’s soft. Smells sweet. Tastes sweeter.

Mitsuri’s lips are velvety and glossy-damp moving against yours. The scent you thought was honey is really honeysuckle—there’s a fresh floral quality to the taste as her lip balm is transferred from her mouth to yours.

The kiss only lasts a few seconds, but by the time she lifts back from you your lips are tingling. You cover your mouth with your hand like a damsel from a Victorian-era novel and stare wide-eyed at her.

“How was that? Your first kiss?”

“I—um, I liked it I think?”

Mitsuri smiles at you and it’s like a ray of sunlight falling down through a break in the clouds. “Yay! I’m glad.”

The two of you sit in silence for a second, and you wonder what you’re supposed to do now. Go back to studying? You’re not sure you’re capable of that when you feel like she’s…still kissing you. It hasn’t quite hit you yet that this is your first kiss—something special, something you’ll never forget. The feeling of Mitsuri kissing you is going to be written on your heart for the rest of your life.

What have I done? you think, but it’s not condemnatory. It’s a question, maybe neutral, maybe hopeful.

“Come on, come here,” Mitsuri says. “You need a little more practice.”

And then she’s kissing you again, all the while pulling you closer, closer, into her lap. She breaks the kiss just long enough to murmur to you to open your mouth. When you do, her tongue slips in, prodding gently between your lips and sliding up against yours. It’s a weird feeling—you can’t say with certainty that it feels good, but it doesn’t feel bad, either. It feels like something you could get used to.

This kiss is longer and deeper, and Mitsuri is sighing into the place where your lips meet. The kissing sounds are both embarrassing and thrilling. You can hardly believe that you’re actually doing this, kissing Mitsuri Kanroji in her bedroom and sitting in her lap with your thighs hovering over hers because you’re scared to let yourself press any deeper into her.

By the fourth kiss, you think you’re getting the hang of this. Your fingers are laced in Mitsuri’s hair, pulling her bangs out of the way so you can see her face clearly. Her eyes are hazy and intense, a warm glow suffusing her cheeks, and her lips are reddened. The feeling of not knowing whether you like having her tongue in your mouth or not is gone. You like it. You want more of it. You could do this all day.

…But apparently Mitsuri has something else in mind. She moves back and looks at you like she’s got a secret she’s dying to tell you. Her hands slide up your thighs, almost reaching the hem of the skirt you’re wearing—it’s knee-length, comfortable and practical for the weather—but with your legs spread over hers, the fabric is bunched up at the juncture of your hips and legs, exposing your thighs to view. Mitsuri’s fingernails (manicured, short blunt French tips, pale pink with stripes of gold near the nail bed) scratch painlessly into your skin. “You learn really fast, (Y/N).”

“Thanks…” you pant out.

“Can I do a little more? Just a little. ‘Cause, I mean, I don’t know if you’ve ever done this yourself—”

Oh. Oh? Mitsuri’s hand is creeping up under your skirt.

“—but it’s really good to have some experience with this, too, before you do anything with boys.”

She’s touching your pussy through your underwear. Those pretty manicured hands are stroking you through the fabric, fingertips sliding up between your lips with practiced precision. Oh god, can she feel how wet you are? You’ve felt that dewy heat growing at your core for a while, but you didn’t think she would touch you and feel it. “Mitsuri?”

“Are you already wet?” Two soft fingers pet your clit, moving over it side to side through your panties. “Did you get wet for me?”

“Mm—mm—Mitsuri…”

“Can I touch?” She pops her chin up and kisses you on the cheek, and then again on the other cheek, the side of your mouth, your forehead, all the while rubbing your pussy.

On the sixth teasing little kiss, you gasp and kiss her fully on the lips. “…okay?”

“Good…” Mitsuri smoothly pushes your ass up so she can hook fingers under the waistband of your panties and tug them down past your hips. You shift and let her do it—it feels like her touch is too hot, sending trails of warmth over every place where your skin meets. Her touch lingers even as you awkwardly straighten out of her lap for just as long as it takes to remove your panties and deposit them gracelessly on the floor.

Are you doing this right? Even with your shirt and skirt on, you feel more exposed than you’ve ever been in front of another person. You’ve never done anything remotely like this before—how weird is it that the first person to touch you is going to be a female friend? That you’re not doing this for the right reasons (and what are the ‘right reasons’? love? intimacy? desire?), but for practice?

Mitsuri settles you back onto her lap and slowly drags your shirt up over your bra. When the undergarment is exposed, she bites her bottom lip and sucks in a breath, and you feel eternally grateful that you, by some coincidence or trick of fate, decided to wear one of your nicer bras today. She cups the side of your breasts and runs her thumbs over the lacy wine-red fabric. “Beautiful…you’re so sexy, (Y/N). I can’t believe I get you all to myself.”

Your cheeks feel hot. Maybe desire is part of the equation after all.

Leaving your shirt bunched up over your tits, Mitsuri returns to your pussy, petting over your thighs and stroking up your mound. Her index finger dabs into the wetness leaking out of you and then circles around your clit.

Around your clit, not on it. If you didn’t know better, you’d think she’s deliberately not touching the place where you want— need to be touched. Her fingers are light and fluttery, not forceful in the least but making you crave more anyway. You try not to let your hips move, but before long you’re twitching on her fingers, trying to get her to do what you want. Your hands are braced uselessly on the headboard, but you hesitantly pick up your right hand to replace hers and touch your clit properly.

She isn’t having it. Her free hand catches yours before you can do anything. “Arms around my neck,” she tells you.

It’s frustrating to be unable to touch yourself when she just keeps building and building with these little flutters, but you trust her. Mitsuri’s a lot more experienced than you are. Slowly, you wrap your arms around her neck and wind your fingers into her loose hair.

Whatever she’s doing, though, it’s working. Even if you couldn’t feel how wet you are, you’d be able to hear it, the slick sucking sounds of your cunt dampened with your arousal. You’d be humiliated by the way it’s so obvious that you’re turned on if you were cable of thinking straight. Besides, Mitsuri doesn’t mind—at least not judging by the way she’s looking at you.

“Mitsuri…Mitsuri, can you…” You don’t know how to ask her, but you need more.

“Tell me what you want me to do.” Two fingers brush over your clit again and you almost flinch, the light contact sending a spark directly through you. “Tell me what you do when you do this by yourself.”

“I…um…it’s embarrassing…”

“It’s not embarrassing.” Mitsuri lays a short peck on your cheek. “Do you know how pretty you look? I could fall in love with you right now.”

It’s not serious. It’s just the kind of thing Mitsuri says without thinking, but your heart skips a beat anyway. “Touch—a little harder…”

“Where?”

“You know where!” you tell Mitsuri, with as much bite as you can muster.

Mitsuri smiles. “Here?” She pushes a finger into your pussy and you whimper. “Or…here?”

And she’s touching your clit, rubbing over it quickly and franticly, the first direct contact you’ve had since she started. The muscles in your back tense, legs stiffening, toes curling in your fluffy white socks. “Oh— oh, oh, oh— Mitsuri…”

“Does that feel good?”

After all her teasing, it feels more than good. It’s like you’re being filled up with something, some kind of heat that her fingers are bringing out in you, and it’s about to tip over and spill out. You rock your cunt against her fingers, trying to get her to go harder—but she’s already rubbing against you so quickly that you can’t think straight.

Two fingers slip deeper into your pussy, spreading you apart and pumping your slick cunt while her palm provides sloppy stimulation to your clit. You mewl and fall forward onto her, head thrown over her shoulder, so you can feel the vibration of her soft laughter in your chest. “Do you like it? I can tell…you know, your insides are holding me really tight….”

How does she say such dirty things with that pretty mouth? You’d tell her off if you thought you could speak without moaning. “Unff…mmm…”

“I’m going to make you cum, baby,” Mitsuri hums. “You’re going to cum on my fingers, okay?”

She’s right. You’re about to tip over that edge, overflow, get off with Mitsuri fucking you with two fingers twisting and hitting your g-spot and sliding over you so deliciously that you don’t even care that all of this is wrong. “I’m— I’m cumming—“

“Uh-uh.” Mitsuri’s hand stops, still touching but no longer moving, and the heat in your pussy plateaus and then dips.

You’re so frustrated you want to scream. “Mitsuri…!”

“Can you do something for me?” She resumes the teasing movements from before, edging over your clit but not finishing it. “Tell me who you really like.”

“What?”

“I know you like me.” Her free hand, around your waist, slides up and presses her thumb into the divot between two vertebrae in your spine. “When you were talking about your crush, I know it’s me. Tell me you like me.”

“I—I don’t—“

“No, you do. You like me. Say it. Say it, and I’ll let you cum. You want to cum, don’t you? You need it? I’m going to give you what you need, so tell me you like me…”

It’s not like she’s being cruel. Mitsuri’s tone is as sweet and kind and caring as ever. Her pace is agonizingly slow and she’s right, you need it. You’re lucky your chin is resting on her shoulder because you wouldn’t be able to stand it if she saw the look on your face as you choke out, “I like…I like you, Mitsuri! I like you!”

“I like you too, (Y/N),” Mitsuri gasps, and then her fingers are moving again, rubbing your clit, making you crazy, and it’s only a second but you want it so bad that you only need a second before you— you’re— you’re falling apart—

“Mitsuri!”

Oh god. Oh god. It feels good, it feels crazy. You can’t think. You can feel the muscles in your pussy squeezing down intermittently on her fingers. She holds you still as the shocks race up through you, letting you twitch and convulse in her arms.

“See now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” Mitsuri sings in your ear.

It takes you a long moment to get the strength to sit up, flopping bonelessly backward on her thighs so you can look her in the eye. “I don’t know,” you sigh finally. “Wasn’t exactly easy.”

Her eyes close when she smiles. “Don’t worry about it. You just need a little more practice.”

[geshertzarmeod]

Favorite Books of 2020

I wanted to put together a list! I read 74 new books this year, and I keep track of that on Goodreads - feel free to add or follow me if you want to see everything! I’m going to focus on the highlights, and the books that stuck with me personally in one way or another, in approximate order. Also, all but two of them (#5 and #7 on the honorable mention list) are queer/trans in some way. Links are to Goodreads, but if you’re looking to get the books, I suggest your library, the Libby app using your library, your local bookstore, or Bookshop.

The Faggots & Their Friends Between Revolutions by Larry Mitchell, illus. by Ned Asta (originally published 1977). I had a hard beginning of the year and was in a work environment where my queerness was just not welcomed or wanted. I read this in the middle of all of that, and it helped me so much. I took this book with me everywhere. I read it on planes. I read it on the bus, and on trains, and at shul. I showed it to friends... sometimes at shul, or professional development conferences. It healed my soul. Now I can’t find it and might get a new copy. When I reviewed it, in February, I wrote: “I think we all need this book right now, but I really needed this book right now. Wow. This book is magic, and brings back a sense of magic and beauty to my relationship with the world.” Also I bought my copy last July, in a gay bookstore on Castro St. in SF, and that in itself is just beautiful to me. (Here’s a post I made with some excerpts)

Once & Future duology, especially the sequel, Sword in the Stars, by A.R. Capetta and Cory McCarthy. Cis pansexual female King Arthur Ari Helix (she's the 42nd reincarnation and the first female one) in futuristic space with Arab ancestry (but like, from a planet where people from that area of earth migrated to because, futuristic space) works to end Future Evil Amazon.com Space Empire with her found family with a token straight cis man and token white person. Merlin is backwards-aging so he's a gay teenager with a crush and thousands of years of baggage. The book’s entire basis is found family, and it's got King Arthur in space. And the sequel hijacks the original myth and says “fuck you pop culture, it was whitewashed and straightwashed, there were queer and trans people of color and strong women there the whole time.” Which is like, my favorite thing to find in media, and a big part of why I love Xena so much. It’s like revisionist history to make it better except it’s actually probably true in ways. Anyway please read these books but also be prepared for an absolutely absurd and wild ride. Full disclosure though, I didn’t love the first book so much, it’s worth it for the sequel!

The Wicker King by K. Ancrum. This book hurt. It still hurts. But it was so good. It took me on a whole journey, and brought me to my destination just like it intended the whole time. The author’s note at the end made me cry! The sheer NEED from this book, the way the main relationship develops and shifts, and how you PERCEIVE the main relationship develops and shifts. I’m in awe of Ancrum’s writing. If you like your ships feral and needy and desperate and wanting and D/S vibes and lowkey super unhealthy but with the potential, with work, to become healthy and beautiful and right, read this book. This might be another one to check trigger warnings for though.

The Entirety of The Daevabad Trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty. I hadn’t heard of this series until this year, when a good friend recommended it to me. It filled the black hole in me left by Harry Potter. The political and mystical/fantasy world building is just *chef’s kiss* - the complexity! The morally grey, everyone’s-done-awful-things-but-some-people-are-still-trying-to-do-good tapestry! The ROMANCE oh my GOD the romance. If I’m absolutely fully invested in a heterosexual romance you know a book is good, but also this book had background (and then later less background) queer characters! And the DRAMA!!! The third book went in a direction that felt a little out of nowhere but honestly I loved the ride. I stayed up until 6am multiple times reading this series and I’d do it again.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon. I loved this book so much that it’s the only book I reviewed on my basically abandoned attempt at a book blog. This book is haunting, horrifying, disturbing, dark, but so, so good. The character's voices were so specific and clear, the relationships so clearly affected by circumstance and yet loving in the ways they could be. This is my favorite portrayal of gender maybe ever, it’s just... I don’t even have the words but I saw a post @audible-smiles​ made about it that’s been rattling in my head since. And, “you gender-malcontent. You otherling,” as tender pillow talk??? Be still my heart. Be ready, though, this book has all the triggers.. it’s a .

Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender. This book called me out on my perspective on love. Also, it made me cry a lot. And it has two different interesting well-written romance storylines. And a realistic coming-into-identity narrative about a Black trans demiboy. And a nuanced discussion of college plans and what one might do after college. And some big beautiful romcom moments. I wish I had it in high school. I’m so glad I have it now! (trigger warning for transphobia & outing, but the people responsible are held accountable by the end, always treated as not okay by the narrative, and the MC’s friends, and like... this is ownvoices and it’s GOOD.)

The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern. My Goodreads review says, “I have no idea what happened, and I loved it.” That’s not wrong, but to delve deeper, this book has an ethereal feeling that you get wrapped up in while reading. Nothing makes sense but that’s just as it should be. You’re hooked. It is so atmospheric, so meta, so fascinating. I’ve seen so many people say they interpreted this character or that part or the ending in all different ways and it all makes sense. And it’s all of this with a gay main character and romance and the central theme, the central pillar being a love of and devotion to stories. Of course I was going to love it.

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl’s Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom. “Because maybe what really matters isn’t whether something is true, or false. Maybe what matters is the story itself; what kinds of doors it opens, what kinds of dreams it brings.” This book was so good and paradigm shifting. It reminded me of #1 on this list in the way it turns real life experience and hard, tragic ones at that (in this case, of being a trans girl of color who leaves home and tries to make a life for herself in the city, with its violence), into a beautiful, haunting fable. Once upon a time.

I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver. I need to reread this book, as I read it during my most tranceful time of 2020 and didn’t write a review, so I forgot a lot. What I do remember is beautiful and important nonbinary representation, a really cute romance, an interesting parental and familial/sibling dynamic that was both heartbreaking and hopeful, and an on-page therapy storyline. Also Mason Deaver just left twitter but was an absolutely hilarious troll on it before leaving and I appreciate that (and they just published a Christmas novella that I have but haven’t read yet!)

The Truth Is by NoNieqa Ramos. It took a long time to trust this book but I’m so glad I did. It’s raw and real and full of grief and trauma (trigger warnings, that I remember, for grief, death (before beginning of book), and gun violence). The protagonist is flawed and gets to grow over the course of the book, and find her own place, and learn from the people around her, while they also learn to understand her and where she’s coming from. It’s got a gritty, harsh, and important portrayal of found family, messy queerness, and some breathtaking quotes. When I was 82% through this book I posted this update: “This book has addressed almost all of my initial hesitations, and managed to complicate itself beautifully.”

Anger is a Gift by Mark Oshiro.  I wasn’t actually in the best mental health place to read this book when I did (didn’t quite understand what it was) but it definitely reminded me of what there is to fight against and to fight for, and broke my heart, and nudged me a bit closer to hope. The naturally diverse cast of characters was one of the best parts of this book. The romance is so sweet and tender and then so painful. This book is important and well-written but read it with caution and trigger warnings - it’s about grief and trauma and racism and police brutality, but also about love and community.

The Prey of Gods by Nicky Drayden.  This is a sci-fi/fantasy/specfic mashup that takes place in near-future South Africa and has world-building myths with gods and demigoddesses and a trip to the world of the dead but also a genetically altered hallucinogenic drug that turns people into giant animals and a robot uprising and a political campaign and a transgender pop star and a m/m couple and all of them are connected. It’s bonkers. Like, so, so absolutely mind-breaking weird. And I loved it.

Crier’s War and Iron Heart by Nina Varela.  I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVED the amount of folktales they told each other with queer romances as integral to those stories, especially in Iron Heart. A conversation between the two leads where Crier says she wants to read Ayla like a book, and Ayla says she’s not a book, and Crier explains all the different ways she wants to know Ayla, like a person, and wants to deserve to know her like a person, made me weak. It lives in my head rent-free.

Queen’s Shadow by E.K. Johnston @ekjohnston . I listened to this book on Libby and then immediately listened to it at least one more time, maybe twice, before my borrow time ran out. I love Padmé, and just always wish that female Star Wars characters got more focus and attention and this book gave me that!! And queer handmaidens! And the implication that Sabé is in love with Padmé and that’s just something that will always be true and she will always be devoted and also will make her own life anyway. And the Star Wars audiobooks being recorded the way they are with background sounds and music means it feels like watching a really long detailed beautiful Star Wars movie just about Padmé and her handmaidens.

Sissy: A Coming of Gender Story by Jacob Tobia. I needed to read this. The way Tobia talks about their experience of gender within the contexts of college, college leadership, and career, hit home. I kept trying to highlight several pages in a row on my kindle so I could go back and read them after it got returned to the library (sadly it didn’t work - it cuts off highlights after a certain number of characters). The way they talk about TOKENISM they way they talk about the responsibilities of the interviewer when an interviewee holds marginalized identities especially when no one else in the room does!!! Ahhhh!!!

Bonds of Brass by Emily Skrutskie. Disclaimer for this one that the author was rightfully criticized for writing a Black main character as a white author (and how the story ended up playing into some fucked up stuff that I can’t really unpack without spoiling). But also, the author has been working to move forward knowing she can’t change the past, has donated her proceeds, and this book is really good? It has all the fanfic tropes, so much delicious tension, a totally unexpected plot twist that had me immediately rereading the book. This book was super fun and also kind of just really really good Star Wars fanfiction.

How To Be a Normal Person by T.J. Klune. This book was so sweet, and cute, and hopeful, and both ridiculous and so real. I had some trouble getting used to Gus’ voice and internal monologue, but I got into it and then loved every bit after. The ace rep is something I’ve never seen like this before (and have barely read any ace books but still this was so fleshed out and well rounded and not just like, ‘they’re obsessed with swords not sex’ - looking at you, Once & Future - and leaving it there.) This all felt like a slice of life and I feel like I learned about people while reading it. Some of the moments are so, so funny, some are vaguely devastating. I have been personally victimized by TJ Klune for how he ends this book (a joke, you will know once you read it) but it also reminds me of the end of the “You Are There” episode of Xena and we all know what the answer to that question was.... and I choose to believe the answer here was similar.

You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson. I wish I had this book when I was in high school. I honestly have complicated feelings about prom and haven’t really been seeking out contemporary YA so I was hesitant to read this but it was so good and so well-written, and had a lot of depth to it. The movie (and Broadway show) “The Prom” wants what this book has.

Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M. Danforth. I never read horror books, so this was a new thing for me. I loved the feeling of this book, the way I felt fully immersed. I loved how entirely queer it was. I was interested in the characters and the relationships, even though we didn’t have a full chance to go super deep into any one person but rather saw the connections between everyone and the way the stories matched up with each other. I just wanted a bit of a more satisfying ending.

Honorable Mention: reread in 2020 but read for the first time pre-2020

Red White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. I couldn’t make this post without mentioning this book. It got me through this year. I love this book so much; I think of this book all the time. This book made me want to find love for myself. You’ve all heard about it enough but if you haven’t read this book what are you DOING.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan @sarahreesbrennan​ . I reread this one over and over too, both as text and as an audiobook. I went for walks when I had lost my earbuds and had Elliott screaming about an elf brothel loudly playing and got weird looks from someone walking their dog. I love this book so much. It’s just so fun, and so healing to read a book reminiscent of all the fantasies I read as a kid, but with a bi main character and a deconstruction of patriarchy and making fun of the genre a bit. Also, idiots to lovers is a great trope and it’s definitely in this book.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book is forever so important to me. I am always drawn in by how tenderly Sáenz portrays his characters. These boys. These boys and their parents. I love them. I love them so much. This is another one where I don’t even know what to say. I have more than 30 pages in my tag for this book. I have “arda” set as a keyboard shortcut on my phone and laptop to turn into the full title. This book saved my life.

Last Night I Sang to the Monster by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book hurts to read - it’s a story about trauma, about working through that trauma, healing enough to be ready to hold the worst memories, healing enough to move through the pain and start to make a life. It’s about found family and love and pain and I love it. It’s cathartic. And it’s a little bit quietly queer in a beautiful way, but that’s not the focus. Look up trigger warnings (they kind of are spoilery so I won’t say them here but if you have the potential to be triggered please look them up or ask me before reading)

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine.  When asked what my all time favorite book is, it’s usually this one. Gail Carson Levine has been doing live readings at 11am since the beginning of the pandemic shut down in the US, and the first book she read was Ella Enchanted. I’ve been slowly reading it to @mssarahpearl and am just so glad still that it has the ability to draw me in and calm me down and feels like home after all this time. This book is about agency. I love it.

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman @chronicintrovert . I’ve had this on my all-time-faves list since I read it a few years ago and ended up rereading it this year before sending a gift copy to a friend, so I could write little notes in it. It felt a little different reading it this time - as I get further away from being a teenager myself, the character voice this book is written in takes a little longer to get used to, but it’s so authentic and earnest and I love it. I absolutely adore this book about platonic love and found family and fandom and mental illness and abuse and ace identity and queerness and self-determination, especially around college and career choices. Ahhh. Thank you Alice Oseman!!!

Leia: Princess of Alderaan by Claudia Gray @claudiagray​ . I have this one on audible and reread it several times this year. I love the fleshing out of Leia’s story before the original trilogy, I love her having had a relationship before Han, and the way it would have affected her perspective. I also am intrigued by the way it analyses the choices the early rebellion had to make... I just, I love all the female focused new Star Wars content and the complexity being brought to the rebellion.

[femmefoxman]

I’ve been thinking a lot about body positivity and self-image and how to deal with that as a trans man.

This is a long post. The rest is under a read more because of this. It’s a bit rambling too. I’m just working through my thoughts.

CW: surgery mention, abuse mention, unhealthy eating/thoughts about eating mention, lots of discussion of social beauty ideals and how people are treated poorly for not meeting them. Nothing graphic though.

The pressure to transition into an ‘ideal man’

So - in September I had top surgery. It was definitely the right decision and (combined with starting testosterone in July 2019) it’s had a huge positive impact on my mental health. I look at myself in the mirror and finally see myself looking back. I feel like life is full of possibility at the moment. It’s pretty great honestly.

Here’s the thing - I’m chubby - I was in an abusive family situation for a while and ended up with some food issues which resulted in me losing a fair bit of weight and then putting a bunch back on.

Because I’m a bigger guy I’ve got dog-ears (excess skin and fat) at the ends of my top surgery scars. I feel mostly okay about them and am not planning to get a surgical revision. But I feel weirdly guilty about being okay with them.

I feel like there’s this pressure and expectation that if I want to look like a man (and I do because that’s what I am) then I should look like society’s ideal of a man. People seem to think I should want to be thin and muscular and to have a sharp jawline and just the right amount of body hair.

But to be honest I don’t want that. And I feel guilty about not wanting that.

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about this - on one hand, I have this feeling that I’m doing something wrong or wasting my transition somehow? Logically I know those thoughts aren’t mine - I know that this external pressure I’ve experienced has put these thoughts into my head. But the idea has bedded itself surprisingly deep into my brain so I haven’t been able to get rid of the nagging voice going ‘you’re doing it wrong’.

On the other hand, I’m pretty repulsed by this expectation that I should conform even more strictly to societal beauty standards because I’m trans. I shouldn’t have to thin, I shouldn’t have to work out unless I feel like it, I shouldn’t have to try and look cis. I want to look like a man yes. But I want to look like a queer trans man because that’s what I am and if I look like a cis dude then I’ll start seeing a stranger when I look in the mirror again.

It doesn’t help that the pressure to conform isn’t just interpersonal but structural - for example, trans people often have to be below a certain BMI to access surgery on the NHS and even in some private hospitals. Because of this, every time I’ve had to interact with the clinic that prescribes my hormones they’ve made some pretty yikes remarks about my weight.

I still remember, in our first meeting, how the person assessing me commented that if I could lose some weight then I’d be very handsome due to being fairly tall and broad-shouldered for a trans guy. It made me feel like they saw me as an object that could be shaped and moulded into whatever they wanted - into a symbol of their mastery over medicine.

It was dehumanising as hell.

Femininity, fatness and autism

Being overweight and a man who is slowly starting to present in a more authentically femme manner is interesting.

It makes me feel like some kind of horrible pervert a lot of the time.

I think we’ve got this image of a fat, effeminate, creepy dude so embedded in our collective consciousness that it’s poisoning my self-image a little. It doesn’t help that this collective caricature has a lot of autistic traits and well - I’m autistic.

It sucks because I try very hard to be respectful and non-creepy. I don’t think other people perceive me that way, from what I can tell.

But my brain keeps insisting that if I wore a dress or lipstick or high heels then I’ll transform into some Silence of the Lambs-type figure.

So I’ve been restricting myself to just painting my nails and wearing necklaces sometimes.

But I don’t want to do that any more. I want to be myself as hard and joyfully and authentically as I can all of the time. I feel like I’ve spent so long repressing myself - first because I was in the closet about being queer and trans and then because I was trying my hardest to pass due to not being about to handle social and physical dysphoria at the same time.

I guess it’s something I need to work through... but I’m not going to give up and hide away again. I won’t do that.

Transandrophobia

The other thing I’ve been thinking a lot about is how the sex characteristics primarily associated with men - for example, facial and body hair - are seen in a negative light. Largely in social justice spaces and communities but in the wider world to some extent also.

In social justice spaces, there is a lot of fear and dislike of maleness and masculinity. I can understand why but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with as a man who is marginalised due to his gender. I don’t feel very safe or comfortable outside of these spaces but it’s often a pretty tough experience to exist in them too.

This dislike of male things extends to physical traits that are seen as male also. Even in supposedly trans-inclusive spaces, I’ve seen this vocal repulsion to things like body hair and facial hair. Disgust towards traits like this is harmful to pretty much everyone who doesn’t fit cis, perisex, white beauty standards.

People who express this disgust in trans inclusive spaces often seem to think that their words will only hurt white, straight, able-bodied, perisex cis men and that it’s therefore fine.

However, I don’t think it’s okay to talk about cis guy’s bodies like that - for one because it’s just a mean thing to do and for two because even if you want to go out of your way to hurt cis men’s feelings then there’s still no way for you to prevent unintended collateral damage if you say horrible things about someone else’s body in a public place.

So if it’s wrong to make comments like that towards relatively privileged people then it’s very, very wrong to say such things about the bodies of trans people, intersex people and people of colour.

Another factor that harms trans men and other transmasculine people specifically is how people tend to react towards our bodies at varying times during medical transitioning. People (especially cis women) tend to react very positively towards us having feminine physical features - being soft and hairless and pretty-looking. Then we receive backlash if we choose to transition - we run into this idea that we’re “ruining” our “precious, sacred, feminine bodies”.

This nasty, entitled rhetoric tends to crop up strongest among TERFs but I’ve come across less explicit, less obviously transphobic variations in trans inclusive communities also.

This demonisation of “male” traits messed with my head when my hormones started to take effect. I was really happy to feel my dysphoria decreasing but at the same time, I had to come to terms with looking well, ugly. At least - ugly according to the spaces and communities I am a part of.

[ahhhhh-spines]

I’m sitting here generally frustrated with a lot of the conversation about trans men, privilege, male privilege, etc.

1. Yes, transmasculine people, including and sometimes especially trans men, struggle. We need support. We frequently have a very complicated relationship to privilege, masculinity, manhood, etc, especially those of us who’ve lived a good chunk of our adult lives as/being seen as a woman. Some of us are punished for being men, or being too close to whatever whoever it is thinks a man is. The trauma from being treated like [failed, inadequate, greedy] women doesn’t just disappear as soon as we change our pronouns. Sometimes being seen as a trans man makes us even more vulnerable. We need and deserve support and care and love.

2. Privilege and gender and the process of being gendered by the people around you are extremely complicated and I don’t think it is accurate or useful to put it out there that all our privileges disappear as soon as we’re known to be trans men, or deviate in any way from cis white straight gender conforming manhood. (This is my experience as a white trans person who tends to read cis but is not stealth; I’ve heard about some cases where it’s complicated from tmoc and people who’ve socially but not medically transitioned as well, but I expect that there’s a lot less latitude.)

Some stuff I’ve experienced: being hired at a higher salary than the more experienced female coworker who brought me into the company. No longer being aware that I’m the only technical woman in the meeting and feeling like I can’t admit that I don’t know something, and having it be obvious people will think I’m a woman when I speak. Being spoken to over female coworkers. Being seen as less trustworthy when I came in with a worked out answer/proposal, because I guess that a man coming in with a defensive vibe is an insecure one with something to hide? But if I didn’t do that as a woman, obviously I hadn’t planned enough and didn’t know what I was talking about. And this one was from a man who absolutely knew I was trans! Not getting as much shit from doctors about my weight as I hear trans women talk about. Not worrying about balancing “attractiveness”/“making an effort” with “professional dress,” because even as a man who frequently reads queer, my body is not sexualized in the same way, at least in professional spaces. Sometimes even when I know they know I’m trans. Men just being friendlier to me - hard to describe, but the vibe is different. Buddy-buddy, kind of. And even before transition, for whatever reason, a lot of the female body shame bounced off me.

I’m lucky in many, many ways. But I’m still not that stealth/closeted/super masculine guy that gets held up as the only one that even kind of gets “male privilege.” I’m fem enough that an ex gently laughed at me when I was like “wellll, I don’t know if I’m really that femme…”. I think I tend to read some kind of cis queer/gendery amab if you’re looking for it. I usually am read as male, and that usually is a pretty sticky read - so even if I kinda get tossed in the “trans” bucket once someone learns I’m transmasc it’s not “you’re actually a woman” - but last month I got gendered as female despite having a v-neck showing chest hair and facial hair around the edges of my mask. So if anyone tells me they absolutely know how people parse gender cues - nah. Nope. There are some tendencies in any given culture but it’s still messy.

Which is all to say - it’s complicated, and while I am absolutely lucky, I don’t think my situation is unique. And I don’t think we do favors to younger trans people and people earlier in their transition when we put it out there that that stealth/straight/mayyybe masc4masc/definitely gender conforming path is the only one that has a chance of not being only maybe accepted conditionally as a Real Man if you’re lucky.

I don’t want to minimize that being a trans man can be a really hard road. But I am cautious when I look at rhetoric that echoes some of the old “your life as a trans person is just going to suck unless you are adequately stealth and cis-passing” cautions that are used to warn people away from transitioning at all, or that frame transition as an absolute last resort. It is possible for a trans life to be a joyful life, and there exist people whose understanding of the category of “man” includes trans men to varying extents, and I don’t think that a single monolithic “male privilege” is an adequate analytical tool for understanding the complex ways these privileges can show up (or not) over our lifespan.

[namelessvoid77]

OK so here’s my Sanders’ Sides equivalents

Nyle (Virgil equivalent) He/Him/His pronouns. 5'7". Has essentially my current haircut and wears it in his face covering his eye. Wears dark edgy eye shadow. Wears one of those leather jackets with metal spikes on the shoulders and an MCR t-shirt.  He has gauges and snake bite lip piercings. Also black ripped jeans obvs. He represents my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as well as anger management (he's pretty bad at his job lol). He constantly gets pissed at the other sides because they don't understand why he makes such little things a big deal and makes me freak out at people even though I care  about them. Doesn't wear glasses btw.

 Lukas (Logan equivalent) He/Him/His pronouns. 5'8". Has more of my desired haircut and his hair is very dark and pushed back. Wears a bright blue and black flannel shirt and normal black jeans. He represents logic/knowledge, organization, and my Anxiety.  He often freaks out about deadlines and needing to get things done, but other sides often prevent me from doing them nonetheless. He often gets shut down as unimportant, which only makes him freak out even more. Wears glasses.

  Cal (Roman equivalent) They/Them/Theirs pronouns. 5'4".  They have their hair in their face to hide everything because they're very self conscious. They wear a black hoodie and fingerless gloves and black jeggings. They represent my Depression, creativity, and music tastes. They other sides love them and wish they would come out of their shell more, but they like staying alone and drawing and writing poetry.  Wears thin wire rim glasses and occasionally wears makeup.

 Lexa (Patton equivalent) She/Her/Hers pronouns. 4'11". Has slightly longer hair and is by far my most femme side. She loves pastels and Melanie Martinez and Disney. She wears a pastel pink Melanie shirt and black ripped jean shorts. She represents my ADHD, little self. and the shred of a moral compass I have. She represents ADHD because it's the only one of my disorders I really feel when I'm in little space. (I mean technically I still show BPD but I don't really FEEL it if that makes sense).  She is the main side that holds back Lukas from being productive along with Cal. She talks like a four year old (my little space age) and Cal acts almost like a parent to her. Lukas and Nyle try and stay away from her and thinks she often gets in the way of things, as when I'm in little space I can't really do shit (like a four year old) and just watch Disney movies and listen to Melanie Martinez. She doesn't wear glasses.

And I didn't make a deceit equivalent because I don't think I really have "dark sides". The sides I've listed can all also represent elements of dark sides on their own. For example, Lexa is kind of the lie center (as she represents my fucked up moral compass) an Nyle can be petty and revengeful. I personally don’t like the concept of dark sides because I don’t really think we have dark sides. Dark sides and light sides to me are really the same. That’s the one problem I have with the whole concept of dark sides coming over to the light sides, like with Virgil. Dark sides and light sides are the same. Everyone used to treat Virgil like all bad until accepting anxiety, and they realize he has good aspects. I think (more like know because it’s obvious but whatever) the thing is going to happen with Deciet. He’s going to reveal a name, and other side are going to realize he’s not all bad. You can’t be perfectly honest all the time (even though my boi Patton wished you could) and lying and deceiving can even be good sometimes. (Also Thomas should’ve gone to the callback). It just doesn’t make sense to call them dark sides because they’re NOT. 

Oof I went on a rant at the end there but anyway what do you think of my sides? I might draw them later.

[gayasinstupidpodcast]

What’s up gamers!!! Our fourth episode plowed through the chaos of thanksgiving holidays and is Here w/ some Facts and Opinions about creating shit and being LGBT and how being LGBT influences creating shit. HEADS UP we recorded this while I had a cold so my voice is probably a little off, but ik Isaac put SO much work into the editing so it would be ready on time and we have recorded statements from some amazing artists (transcriptions under the cut below!) & this is honestly one of my favorite episodes we’ve done so far, so give her a listen if you’re gay or enjoy fun things!

BIG thank you once again to everyone who participated in this month’s episode!! Your contributions are so valued and so beautiful!!

You can find us on the Itunes Podcast App/Webpage at Gay As In Stupid Podcast! You can also find our episodes uploaded to Youtube and Soundcloud!

You can also follow us on twitter at gayasinstupid!

Further Reading on LGBT Artists

Montage of a Queering Deferred: Memory, Ownership, and Archival Silencing in the Rhetorical Biography of Langston Hughes

The Political Provocations of Keith Haring 

Pop art politics: Activism of Keith Haring 

E M Forster’s Gay Fiction

Alok Vaid-Menon Tells Us What It’s Like To Be Femme In Public

Shea Diamond Speaks Her Truth

Aaron’s 2018 November Recs!

Alok Alok Vaid-Menon is one of my favorite poet/activist/performance artists out there! Their writing and stage presence is gorgeous and witty in a way that’s SO clever and still feels like you’re in a room trading jokes you don’t need to explain with your closest trans friends. The way they balance their art creates a real, deeply touching experience that feels very essential to our world.

Miles (2016) Miles is set in 1999 and is a coming of age story about a gay teenager trying to get a volleyball scholarship for college in Chicago. It’s not revolutionary and it’s not over the top dramatic, but it’s funny and honest and it makes me feel nice. Definitely the movie to watch when you’ve just been through something emotionally taxing and need a light crying session and some mediocre pastries.

Isaac’s 2018 November Recs!

The Adventure Zone I know half of you already kin the Mcelroys while the other half either don’t know or don’t care, but the Adventure Zone is one of my most favorite things in the world. It’s a DND podcast (yes, all episodes are transcribed, and they have a graphic novel for the first arc of Balance with a second one on the way!) by three brothers plus their dad, and not only does it have the most amazing story and is ungodly funny, but TONS of gays (Griffin went ape with those Lesbian NPCS)! And just because they can! Same with trans characters. It’s a story where they just exist, and that’s really important to me because in a lot of media LGBT have to almost prove why they deserve to take up space. And it’s not just something that goes on in their first campaign, Amnesty also has those sweet sweet gay! I could talk about this podcast for hours, so if you needed that final push to give it a listen, THIS IS IT!

Stardew Valley You get to farm and be gay. And if THAT hasn’t sold you on this charming video game, then maybe the super cute graphics, beautiful soundtrack and a handful of interesting characters will! TBH I spend so much time playing this game it’s concerning. It’s just such a fun way to relax, and I just really REALLY like video games were I can chose to be gay. Like. God Tier. YOU CAN HAVE CROPS AND CHICKENS AND BE GAY C’MON YALL!!

The Amazing Quotes And Artists Featured!

Meg | instagram | esty

“My identity as a bisexual woman influences my art in many ways. As a woman, i create art about the issues that effect me, such as abortion and gender equality, in order to resonate with the people that matter most to me. As a bisexual individual, my subjects often appear from a gaze that falls outside of the stereotypical eye. My figure drawings and portraits all come from a place of admiration, and don’t fall into the stereotype of the male gaze or womanly care- they are the space inbetween, equally sexualized and normalized. I feel lucky to be a bi gal in the art world because it is a place that is my own to create in. There are so many queer artists that i look up to such as Mapplethorpe and Warhol, and many female artists i can cite as influence (Jenny Holzer, Kiki Smith, and Louise Bourgeois to name a few). My identity gives me a whole new world of content to draw from and allows my work to resonate with a wider audience, and I really think that any artists goal is to reach and touch as many people as possible.“  

Cameron | twitter | instagram 

“I don’t think that it influences the form really, but it definitely influences the subject matter! (Much as I hate to admit it, my identity influences the majority of choices I make in life.) I write a lot of poems about lgbtq related things and religion, as well as other stuff too. I was raised catholic, so realizing that I was “different” at more than one point in my teen years was scary AF. Being a member of the lgbtq+ community and also trying to still feel like I belong, or wanting to, in a religious community is hard, the two things are usually at a crossroads in my life so writing about them makes it easier for me to get through. My hope is that someday someone reads what I wrote and finds some peace in their own life/experience.” 

Vince | art instagram

“Well, being transgender I feel like I’m constantly aware of the lack of representation of my community, and I feel like it might be because of that I tend to experiment with showing all sorts of different type of people in my work. Because there’s so much diversity in the world, why not showcase that?”

Fox | art instagram  

“Oof…I’m gay so my characters always be gay. Gotta Fill the void in media w my own bullshit so I don’t have to rely on straight showrunners who will inevitably discard the character since they themselves seem to have no personal attachment and treat lgbt characters as disposable extras. Bc if I don’t at least attempt to create representation in the field I’m going into then I can’t rlly complain about the lack of it right? If I don’t try and change it I can’t complain about the lack of change so being an lgbt artist is lowkey Big Pressure to be revolutionary in your work but sometime…..I just wanna draw funkey animeal and that’s aight too”

Jen | twitter | instagram

“As a female bisexual poet, I worry often that my poetry and art will be too niche to be appreciated. I’ve spent years editing my poetry down to its barest bones in hopes that someone will relate to it. Changing pronouns back and forth because I worry that if I do talk about a woman, the poem will be stripped of its context and suddenly be about my queerness when in reality it never was. When I write about love and people I have dated and have crushed on, I want the poem to exist outside of the gender of who I love. I fear my authorial death will result in a complete misinterpretation of what I mean. When I write, it truly does not matter to me if I am writing about a woman or a man. If I feel what I write and I can make someone else feel it too does it matter that I also love women? I write what matters to me overall, regardless of gender, I try to make my poetry as true as possible. Sometimes, when I catch myself over editing I try to take myself back to the moment, to the person, what I loved about him or her. “

Lain | art instagram

“My LGBT Identity has significantly impacted almost all of my art, especially my work over the last two years. Ever since I have allowed myself to accept that I am trans and began my transition (6 months on T!), the impact that my Roman Catholic upbringing has had on my bisexual trans identity has bled into my artwork. Because of the way I was raised, accepting and allowing myself to be authentic has been an upward struggle. And what better way to process and document struggle than art?  

Much of my recent work has had a focus on the trans body, particularly the “sanctity” of self-actualization and the god-like power that comes with accepting and creating yourself in the unique and exceptional way that LGBT people must in order to live authentically. Two of my pieces on this topic were actually recently exhibited at UWM in the Trans-lucent exhibition, and will remain there until December 15th (I think). I got sick and tired of never seeing trans representation, so now I am creating that space that I crave in my own work.”

Kobe | instagram | soundcloud

“My art from is very influenced by my LGBT identity. It is very influenced by my LGBT black Identity. I think that whenever an artist makes their art (in my case writing music, singing, dancing) they should incorporate as much of themselves as possible. I think my LGBT identity definitely adds a sense of representation as well. I want people like me to listen to my music to know they aren’t alone. So it influences my work a lot. “

Nat | art instagram

“I think the fact that I am part of the LGBT+ community influences my art directly. Even though I don’t draw as often as I wish, I believe both my drawings and college projects (I am a 3d art/animation student), and my creativity in general is inspired by my personal experiences as a gay woman and common things experienced by the community. I try as often as I can to bring representation of some kind in the things I do, mainly personal projects. I also feel that it influences me on my motivation to keep creating; whenever I listen to, see drawings, watch movies or see whatever form of artistic expression from LGBT+ artists it gives me the energy to keep going, to keep creating.”

[unbidden-yidden]

Ok I’m not going to go into specifics on here, but there is a Situation going on at my Conservative shul that has been frustrating me and upsetting me since last Shabbos, and the saga continued this week. 

Long story short, I guess people have been being dicks about me being non-binary, but either I’ve been too oblivious to notice, or the binary trans guy who informed me is interpreting things a lot more harshly than me. What he told me when we talked about it was that his watching how people treat me has made him not want to stop being stealth, which sucks because he’s really tired of feeling like he has to be closeted. From what I can tell from his posts online and what he’s said to me, he’s already talked to the rabbi about this and is gearing up for even more action. 

Meanwhile, even though it’s not about me, it’s still About Me, and I’m just so frustrated?? Like, first of all, I realize that he’s trying to be protective and/or step up to help, but I don’t think pushing too much too fast is going to be helpful. I think it’s going to antagonize people. 

Second of all - and I know this is really petty, but I’m pretty annoyed - he’s not similarly situated to me at all?? I’m genderfluid. My presentation changes a lot, and people have seen and noticed this at shul. It’s pretty consistent shifting, and the shifts are pretty significant. In my experience, most people can get used to basically anything (with some kvetching at the beginning) but change is not something people are fond of. Ergo, even a non-binary person with a consistent presentation (of which there are not one, but two at our shul(!)) is going to have a much easier time than me. 

I’m the one who stands out and gets screwed over by this because I look different every week. I’ve thought about just picking a presentation and sticking with it like I do at my orthodox shul, but I just Can’t. I’m stuck presenting femme at work, I’m stuck presenting femme at my orthodox shul, and those things are both okay, but I really need one fucking place where I can present the way I need to present on any given day. I need that freedom. And I thought that at the lefty Conservative shul that bills itself as lgbtq+ friendly I could have that. But I guess not. I guess people are going to make nasty comments about my pronouns and whatever else gender-related. 

And like that sucks, okay, but if it were up to me, my strategy would be way more long-game rather than coming at this heavy-handed. Rather than enforcing change from the top with the rabbi and bringing in speakers and G-d knows what else, I would just as soon work on integrating myself better into the shul to see if that fixes it? Because it really might?? Just fucking talking to people is sometimes enough to get even the recalcitrant cis people on board, because if they already like me, then I’m not just the annoying whiny queer asking them to change their language and be welcoming - I’m a valued member of the congregation that they can magnanimously make changes for because they want me to be happy and feel safe. 

And obviously none of this shit should be necessary, but that’s where things are at and it is what it is. Look - I get it. I’ve experienced enough rejection in my life to understand that it sucks feeling alienated in this space that was supposed to be a safe one. But the way to fix that isn’t to brow beat people because that will just make things worse. 

Idk. I’m just. Not happy that he’s comparing his situation to mine, when they’re not at all comparable, and there are already other trans people - binary and not - whose situations are much closer, and based on this incorrect analogy making a lot of significant changes to the status quo that are likely to just antagonize people further. 

Unsurprisingly, the conversation with the rabbi seemed to go really well (he’s awesome) and he even put out an excellent drash this week about pronouns that was really amazing and heartfelt, and he had the decency to reach out to me about it first before putting it out there. I honestly don’t think there’s anything else different he could be doing, but then again he’s not the problem and never has been. It’s other people, who he can’t really control and whose needs he has to balance as the rabbi. 

So anyway, to summarize: 

binary trans men continue to be exhausting even when they’re trying to be kind, which is almost harder because I know it’s coming from a good place

I have to be way more out than I want to be if I’m going to be as fluid as I actually am, and I really don’t want to hide that fluidity because I shouldn’t have to, and

I’m so very, very tired of always feeling like me, as a person, specifically as a gendered being, is Too Much Always for cis/binary people to handle, and it hurts at a deep and inarticulable level. 

[kuciradio]

As 2018 is coming to an end it’s time to reflect on this amazing year for new music and artistry. KUCI is a diverse group of DJs and we are proud to represent all genres of music. I have finally put together our Top 10 albums of 2018 along with some honorable mentions towards the end accompanied by some lovely words written by our fellow DJs. We can’t wait for what 2019 brings for us and continue tuning in on kuci.org or 88.9 FM if you’re in the Orange County area. Have a safe and happy new year!

1. Mitski - Be The Cowboy

“Mitski Miyawaki’s powerhouse voice resonates with a haunting clarity on her stunning masterpiece Be the Cowboy. She creates entire worlds and characters out of pieces of herself, from paranoid, awkward women who yearn for traditionalism and some idealist version of what life or love should be (hello “Lonesome Love”), to cowgirls who can do it all on their own. From sorrowful to triumphant, Mitski colors the spaces in between from soul-bearing ballad “Geyser” to unforgettable dancing-alone-in-your-bedroom anthem “Nobody.” (Sophie Prettyman-Beauchamp)

“This album was so personal and raw and I also liked how the songs flowed well on this album.” (Heidi Barragan)

2. The Internet - Hive Mind

“I can't talk about this album without mentioning how mad I am at myself for missing the tour. Syd, Pat, Steve, Matt, and Chris, The Internet, are prominent figures of musical evolution; this speaks volumes and not just because they got their start with Odd Future, a hub of avid freeform artists. If you’re inclined to believe what I believe, Ego Death is a heartbreak album and Hive Mind is loaded with recovery anthems and passionate songs to share with your new partner who is not a rebound. Across the timeline, the sounds change from R&B and Hip-Hop to Funk and Soul; but what captures my attention the most, from Ego Death to Hive Mind, is the way a facade is casted aside. Hive Mind is just so sincere and therefore, perfectly fitting for being a part of my top three.” (Thorson Munoz)

“[This album] is a very funky album with heavy tones of R&B. The Internet does not disappoint with their funky sounds, which can be heard on “La Di Da”. Overall the album has powerful baselines, thanks to the amazing Steve Lacy, and groovy beats backed by Syd’s smooth vocals. It is hard to listen to this album and not dance along to it.” (Melissa Palma)

3. Kali Uchis - Isolation

“Colombian singer Kali Uchis’ long-awaited debut album is a high-production value journey into her uniquely sultry, dreamy world of R&B. The songstress’s silky voice pushes boundaries of various genres, from bossa-inspired intro “Body Language” to the Amy Winehouse-esque “Killer,” each track better and more of a banger than the last. Isolation features artists like The Internet guitarist Steve Lacy, British soul success Jorja Smith, and reggaeton icon Reykon. Uchis also recruited her friends Tyler, the Creator and legendary bassist Bootsy Collins for the hit single “After the Storm,” a follow-up to her and Tyler’s song “See You Again” from his 2017 album Flower Boy (supported by a stunningly whimsical music video by director Nadia Lee Cohen). The producer credits are just as stacked, including the likes of Thundercat, BROCKHAMPTON’s Romil Hemnani, Tame Impala’s Kevin Parker, and Gorillaz frontman Damon Albarn. Uchis proves herself as the new sound of pop, never veering from her originality that made her a Soundcloud sweetheart.” (Sophie Prettyman-Beauchamp)

4. Janelle Monae - Dirty Computer

“She’s such an intelligent creative weirdo and I LOVE HER. Not to mention her oozing femme POWER.” (Naseem Eskandari)

“About the moxie I mentioned earlier, this emotional rollercoaster has an abudnace of it and I cannot get enough! Cover to cover this album packs a punch, and as the visual companion--which brought me to tears--would suggest, this entire album is a celebration of deviant bodies and identities. This album contains the perfect ratio of soft and tender tracks and upbeat exciting ones so its no wonder why NPR named Dirty Computer their number one of 2018.” (Thorson Munoz)

5. Anderson .paak - Oxnard

“Sometimes artists, after huge successes, feel that they need to make music that sounds just like their previous work to gain the same traction, but really the true artists are the ones that stay honest and true to their creative ability - their sound moves through life with them.” (Naseem Eskandari)

“Anderson .Paak, to me, is responsible for every playlist I've ever built that revolves around driving in Los Angeles with the windows down, no matter the time of day. However, I don't drive a convertible, so instead I honored Venice and Malibu using my radio program, Detours. Not only am I excited to honor Oxnard as well, but Oxnard was built for driving; this is evident after listening to "Tints", the first release, and "Headlow". This album, just like Malibu, is masterful; the only difference is that Dr. Dre stepped out of the shadows and was a feature. Oxnard is beyond incredible and worthy of it's legendary features, Snoop Dog, Q-Tip, and Kadhja Bonet, to name a few. I'm really excited for what will likely be Anderson .Paak's next Grammy nomination.” (Thorson Munoz)

6. Blood Orange - Negro Swan

“AMAZING production, amazing narrative!!!!!!!” (Angel Cortez)

“Dev Hynes never fails to make master pieces of albums that narrate the experience of marginalized people in an oppressive and toxic environment. Hynes brings together artists as big as ASAP Rocky to smaller artists of equal talent such as Steve Lacey creating a beautiful medley of indie hip hop to soul and funk.  Coupled with interviews, Hynes is able to make this album a personal experience for the listener. For me it always feels as though he is singing to me personally, something that not many artists are able to do.” (Kelsey Villacorte)

7. Kevin Krauter - Toss Up

“Toss Up has to be my personal #1 favorite album of 2018 by Kevin Krauter who began making music apart from lo-fi dream pop band Hoops in 2015. Toss Up was released this past summer and was the perfect album to listen to during warm summer nights and has carried through to the end of the year as a comforting reminder of those warm times during these cold nights. It has that dreamy, nostalgic feeling, something that you would listen to as you’re reflecting on the tender moments of your life. Krauter mixes vaporwave-esque sounds with sweet ballads with no one song sounding like the other.” (Kelsey Villacorte)

8. MGMT - Little Dark Age

“MGMT's come-back album is focused, synthy, and fresh. Without abandoning the dark undertones present in their older albums, this album reflects the band's personal growth and resonates with fans, old and new. Tracks like TSLAMP and Little dark Age are some of my favorites!” (Angelica Sheen)

“MGMT has maintained their status as an alternative staple and has since transformed their sound into something more experimental since their debut album Oracular Spectacular. MGMT did not disappoint and gave us an album that went from the weird wii-fit/dystopian vibes of She Works Out To Much to 80s dance of Me and Michael to another sweet ballad titled Hand It Over which is super reminiscent of the ending/title song of their second album Congratulations. MGMT never fails to write well thought out lyrics that all almost feel like their own story. All in all, they did not disappoint and this is exactly the kind of MGMT album I was hoping for after a 5 year hiatus.” (Kelsey Villacorte)

9. Ian Sweet - Crush Crusher

“Jilian Medford refines IAN SWEET’s sound and practices self-care on sophomore album Crush Crusher, her most intimate release yet. Medford rediscovers her identity as she considers how much of herself she has forgotten while preoccupying herself with being a guardian to others (she warbles “The sun built me to shade everybody” on “Holographic Jesus”). Ever poetic while satisfyingly straightforward, she notes that “It’s been too long since I let myself cry about something that wasn’t even sad” on the pummeling single “Spit.” She coos, squeaks, and screams in perfect, dissonant harmony over her guitar’s cathartically melancholic reverb. IAN SWEET remains a perfect contradiction that only grows sweeter.” (Sophie Prettyman-Beauchamp)

10. Parquet Courts - Wide Awake!

“This band's genius shows through with every new release. Wide Awake throws all of their influences together and expels energetic funk beats with poignant, dark, and brutal lyrics that are especially political. The juxtaposition of these themes with upbeat and optimistic instrumentals speaks to their compositional talent, making it a fan favorite. AND THEY USE COWBELLS.” (Angelica Sheen)

Honorable Mentions:

Glenn Crytzer Orchestra, "Ain't it Grand?"

This album couldn't have been better aimed at me if the band had come and asked me what I wanted to hear.  A modern swing-style orchestra performing both classic tunes from the 1930s and modern pieces written in the big band style.  The ensemble playing is tight, the solos just exactly right, and the production quality a lot sharper than any of the original Duke Ellington recordings.  Top notch stuff. (Michael Payne)

The Vaccines - Combat Sports

"The Vaccines brought back the spirit and energy of their debut album but with a new twist when they released their 4th album early in 2018. Get pumped up with the "I Can't Quit" and "Nightclub" or settle down with  "Maybe (The Luck of the Draw)" or "Young American". The Vaccines perfectly embody the sound and snark of the '70s and '80s artists of which their influenced while still creating a modern feel of the 2010's. My personal favorite off the album "Out on the Street" definitely a treat live! Over all Combat Sports is an excellent album and what we needed in 2018." (Stacey Brizuela)

Cobra Man - Toxic Planet

“Los Angeles local duo Cobra Man blows it out of the water with their sophomore album that carries the heart and groove of something you'd hear out of '84. It is indeed one of the best albums of the year because it utilizes one of the most underrated instruments in the game, the saxophone.” (Spartacus Avina)

Nu Guinea "Nu Guinea"

Heaven & Earth by Kamasi Washington is an album that’s loud and bold in both sound and vocals. A lot of the album often creates an ethereal effect with the heavy instrumentals ascending into a grand peak, most notably heard on “Street Fighter Mas”. The vocals on the album accompany the instrumentals in their same form, loud and climaxing. Listening to this album is like a rollercoaster with its thrilling jazz sounds. (Melissa Palma)

Drug Church - Cheer

Mac Miller - Swimming

“The tragic beauty of this album speaks for itself. Mac was such a raw and very real individual and it reflects in his music the way that many others cannot replicate. May he rest in peace - I hope the next life will be better for him.” (Naseem Eskandari)

Thank you to all the amazing DJs who submitted their Top 10 list of 2018! I am super glad to have been part of an amazing and diverse radio station for this past year and this is only a small piece of what our DJs music tastes are like here. I hope everyone has an incredible and safe New Years Eve and a happy 2019 :)

-Kelsey Villacorte (Music Director)

[love-takes-work]

Nonbinary characters in Steven Universe

Steven Universe has been (rightly) praised for its inclusion of nonbinary gender characters. We live in a world where media almost exclusively presents characters who are men or women (and often treats binary trans people, when they're even included, as if they are an additional "middle" gender even if they don't identify that way). So of course, characters who are agender or nonbinary are long overdue and worth celebrating.

HOWEVER.

Steven Universe includes two forms of nonbinary characters, and they both involve aliens. We have Gems who come from space and are largely femme-presenting nonbinary aliens (who use she/her pronouns, but that does not make them female), and we have Fusions whose gender and pronouns are shifted to neutral or undetermined when Steven is included.

While it's still great to have such a cool science fiction show that's got nonbinary characters, presenting their nonbinary gender as a consequence of "mixed" genders or extraterrestrial origin subtly associates nonbinary gender with being nonhuman. 

Stevonnie is referred to canonically as "they/them," and it sets a great example, but we know they are a Fusion of Connie (she/her) and Steven (he/him). 

Smoky Quartz has been referred to as "they" in a context where it was unclear whether it was them or their components being talked about, but given the precedent, I assume Smoky is also they/them: another Fusion of a she/her and a he/him. Fusions of Gems who both use "she/her" are also referred to as she/her, so these pronouns are not reserved for Fusions.

I know several nonbinary, trans, and otherwise gender-atypical people who relate really hard to Stevonnie and/or Smoky, and are thrilled to have this kind of representation. It's so excellent to see Stevonnie, with their femme-leaning androgyny and their clear attractiveness to guys and girls on the show, developing confidence and never dragging the audience through a Very Special Episode where they feel required to disclose and discuss their gender. They're worried about other things, but this gender thing? It just is, and people in their life don't make a big deal out of that part of it. But I think we need more, and I think Steven Universe is just the show to do it.

We currently DO NOT HAVE any known nonbinary characters in the show who are not either aliens or Fusions. If we continue to represent nonbinary characters as having a nonbinary gender only because they're a mixture of male and female or influenced by nonhuman gender concepts, we're presenting it as a concept but not as one that might be applicable to someone in the non-magical, non-alien, everyday Earthly world. 

But nonbinary humans are everywhere, and I would love to see someone show up in the show with casually referenced nonbinary representation--so we know this isn't a gender concept we can only accept in association with fantasy concepts.

What's interesting is the Steven Universe COMICS are already doing this. First, in Issue 1 of the ongoing comic series begun in early 2017, Steven, Peridot, and Lapis find a baby bird. Steven automatically defaults to they/them pronouns for the bird, and after they argue about the bird's name for a while, they settle on naming them Susan. 

Susan is a name pretty heavily coded as female in Western society, but they set a great example here by NOT having Steven change to she/her pronouns to refer to the bird just because they have a traditionally feminine name. There is no discussion of what pronouns to use and no justification of this. It's just there for you to accept, casually, as it should be.

In Issue 2 of the ongoing comic series, we have Stevonnie going to prom with Kiki. There is plenty of weirdness associated with this because Kiki doesn't know Stevonnie is a Fusion of two kids and they're both struggling with teen awkwardness that has nothing to do with Stevonnie's Fusion status, but what's significant about this is Kiki's automatic, consistent use of they/them pronouns for Stevonnie when introducing them to her friends. 

Plus, Stevonnie and Kiki use the same dressing room when trying on dresses, try on a variety of clothes (some of which are traditionally gendered either male or female), and don't completely ignore the issue. 

Kiki asks Stevonnie if they prefer to lead or follow, and that's a really nice acknowledgment that the expected gender roles have to be redefined for a dance couple like them. 

If you just present a nonbinary character where no one's ever confused about how to treat them, you're ignoring programming nearly everyone in our society has, and it's inevitable that someone like Stevonnie would sometimes confuse people if they're trying to squeeze them into a gender box--and unfortunately, that also sometimes means being misgendered, like when Kevin called Stevonnie "girl" during their first appearance on the show.

But then, most notably, in Issue 4 of the ongoing comic series, Peridot goes to a Renaissance Faire and watches a joust, with a visiting knight named "Sir Render." And Sir Render, despite their traditionally masculine appearance and title of "Sir," is consistently referred to with they/them pronouns. 

Even though they're a pretty beefy, hefty knight, and even while they're getting booed by audience members who want them to lose. Nonbinary people do not have to be androgynous, and they/them pronouns can apply to people who are frequently perceived as traditionally feminine or traditionally masculine. Sir Render doesn't HAVE to "try" to look androgynous or less traditionally masculine to have their pronouns respected. And Sir Render is a background human. Not a Fusion and not an alien. This comic also includes the phrase "Lords, ladies, and gentle-enbies." Wow.

Some people have criticized Steven Universe for featuring so many same-gender relationships between Gems without broaching that subject with humans. Gems are not women/girls, but because of their gender presentation and consistent use of she/her pronouns, they are clearly designed to at least be very relatable to female and femme audiences. Nonbinary people are certainly supposed to be able to see themselves in the Gems, but girls and women can too--it's amorphous and up to interpretation, and couples like Ruby and Sapphire or Pearl and Rose can be very meaningful to fans who feel their relationships are more like their own relationships than most anything on television. But when it comes to humans, the explicitly romantic relationships and crushes that include them are surprisingly straight. (And this is acknowledging that human men's crushes on Gems are not "straight" crushes, since literally any relationship that includes one of them is a queer-coded romance by human standards, but these men are likely perceiving the Gems as women and being attracted to them for the same reasons they are attracted to women.)

Jamie crushes on Garnet. Mayor Dewey crushes on Pearl. Greg crushed on Rose and fell in love with her. Sadie and Lars have, well, something. Steven and Connie are developing a close friendship that will likely one day be a straight-up romance. Lars's parents Martha and Dante appear to be a straight couple. Connie's parents Doug and Priyanka appear to be a straight couple. Vidalia had a child with Marty and married Yellowtail, and those appear to be straight relationships. I of course have to be cautious here and acknowledge that characters who LOOK like straight couples may not be straight, especially since bisexual and pansexual people who "settle down" in a relationship are often misinterpreted as being an orientation they don't identify as just because of the gender of their partner. But given no evidence to the contrary, the show does appear to be showing us humans coupling up only in cross-gender partnerships.

The only exception I can think of besides non-speaking background characters is Mr. Smiley's relationship with Mr. Frowney. It is not explicit, but subtext certainly suggests that Harold and Quentin used to be a thing. 

There is also Pearl pursuing Mystery Girl and receiving her phone number, which does suggest Mystery Girl was attracted to femme-presenting people at the very least. 

Oh, and of course we also see Peridot rooting for the Percy/Pierre ship on her favorite show, even though the canon of the show has Percy being pushed toward Paulette. And Uncle Andy made a reference to one of his relatives having a "partner," which seems like something he wouldn't do if it was a cross-gender relationship considering he also assumed Greg had a wife and used the word "wife." (This was offscreen, however--not even pictured characters.) 

But overall, what we've seen is that we can have same-gender relationships as long as we can hide it behind aliens for plausible deniability. (Though at least in the United States, I think reports of Cartoon Network actively attempting to stop "gay relationships" from getting on TV is highly exaggerated.) It would be fantastic to get some explicit representation of humans having these relationships too. But at least there are some hints and some subtext, while we really don't have much of anything for human nonbinary characters.

Like most other situations in the show, I think the usually sensitive writing and nuanced understanding of these important issues would be in reach for the Crew on this topic. I really hope we will see nonbinary characters on this show in the future when there is no "alien" or "Fusion" explanation. Plenty of nonbinary humans exist in the real world, and this show would be a perfect place to start reflecting that.

[afishtrap]

So this sketch (from Voltron co-executive producer, Lauren Montgomery) has been going around. The theory is that each sign corresponds to a season: Pidge, in the first season, dealt with gender; Keith’s story raised issues of race; either Lance or Shiro will then (it’s assumed) deal with sexuality. Given that it’s Lance who’s looking kind of iffy (similar expression to Pidge and Keith, notably), it seems some quarters of the fandom are not just saying Lance will have some sexuality-related storyline, but that he’ll come out as bisexual.

First thing I have to say: there are a lot of things this Voltron reboot does get right. It has enough nods to the original series (which I saw in badly-dubbed reruns as a kid), but with just enough twists to make what’s really a kind of dorky super-mecha story into something with real heart. Pidge being a girl, but not being required to girl-ify herself post-reveal; Allura being strong, even harsh, instead of delicate space-princess. Hunk isn’t the butt of jokes, though Lance is still mostly comic relief... which I’ll get to, shortly.

But the reboot isn’t perfect. One bit that had people cheering had my teeth on edge: Pidge, at the alien space mall, looking at the two signs. One pink, one blue, neither representing human shape. I could’ve forgiven this if she’d been with one of the other Paladins, and they’d both been baffled. It no longer would’ve been “Pidge, because she doesn’t do performative femininity, must be puzzled as to which bathroom to use”. Instead it would’ve been, “when one’s familiar gender clues are removed, suddenly it becomes almost ridiculous to assign someone to a specific category” or some such.

Really, it felt like a failure of imagination: why not three bathrooms? Or even four? Why must aliens also divide themselves into two genders, and color-coded, at that? If the point was, “how do I know which bathroom to use when I don’t fit into neat gender categories,” how much more wonderful this question would’ve been when the animation made clear that the human/western assumption of ‘two genders’ is not everyone’s default.

The other issue is Lance. He’s supposed to be Latino (Cuban, iirc), and... he flirts, or tries to flirt, with anything that appears feminine, alien or human. (Except, notably, Pidge.) Oh come on, writers. You got so much else right, did you run out of enthusiasm for doing more? Is there some reason you couldn’t be arsed to do more, and fell back on the Latin lover stereotype?

But of course, there’s more. What, you think I was done already?

I do appreciate that the Voltron writers are proving themselves very good at laying groundwork. Given Pidge’s reveal was about mid-season, I thought they handled the revelation really well, especially with the lack of drama (or radical change on Pidge’s part) afterwards. The hints about Keith are subtle, but on rewatch I realized how many I’d missed. It wasn’t blatant; it was just enough that for those in the fandom paying really close attention, their antennae were probably up for some kind of reveal.

Which means if the hint in this image is to be taken seriously, and given Lance’s expression matching that of Pidge and Keith, welp. I guess there’s going to be some reveal of his sexuality -- but given the treatment for the other two, there should be hints in the earlier seasons.

Okay, I went looking. Even on rewatch and attuned for it, I still miss these rumored instances of Lance flirting with Keith like he does Allura. I’m left with what Lance does, and two images jumped out at me.

Remember Avatar: Last Airbender? Especially Sokka, meat-loving, sarcastic comic relief who believed in the healing power of shopping therapy. Normally that combination would’ve made him the sassy gay older brother, yet the narrative never goes that route. He falls in love with a girl, loses her, learns to love again, and never loses his quirky shopping habit. The narrative not only treats this as Just What Sokka Does, it never ridicules him for it. And he remains clearly heterosexual in his pursuits, if a bit goofy and clearly fifteen. My point is that it’s entirely possible to give a character non-masculine traits and not make it an issue of sexuality. Just saying.

So, one possibility: Lance will shift from Latin Lover to the gay guy who chases skirts in a desperate attempt to convince everyone (including himself) that he’s straight. It’s a horribly overdone trope, and it has a dark undercurrent of the lgbt person as deceitful. The person ‘plays’ at being straight, lies to others (and possibly themselves), and the reveal of their sexuality thus becomes a revelation of a scaffolding of lies. Keith may’ve gotten a pass due to his ignorance of his heritage, but the same can’t be said of Lance, unless we’re to believe he’s been unwittingly ignorant of himself this entire time (and that gets us into the gay-for-you trope and omfg please let’s not go there).

We’ve got several other options: ace, bi, trans. I doubt trans, since narratively this is too close to Pidge, and I doubt ace since flirting-as-cover doesn’t make any sense. (None of the rest of the guys feel it necessary to flirt outrageously, so not sure why Lance would feel pressured to do so; I’d expect an ace character to be relieved to be among at least two guys who seem entirely uninterested in anything sexual.) Given the narrative risks in turning all of Lance’s flirtation into deception, this is probably why a segment of the fandom thinks Lance’s reveal will be of bisexuality.

The problem is when you put together the assumptions that a) Lance will get a reveal as part of his character development, b) this reveal is related to his sexuality, and c) the demonstration of non-masculine behaviors is where the writers are laying the groundwork. Contrast Keith, who sleeps in old tanktop and doesn’t seem to notice nor care about his appearance, with Lance: proper pajamas, face mask, Pidge’s headphones, and some kind of a facial treatment mask. Add the towel around his head and the bathrobe, and, well. Lots of stereotypical ‘metrosexual’ clues, there.

So here’s the reason this makes me worry.

When heterosexuality is the assumed default, most writers seem to think indicating a non-het preference requires a sexual situation. Even one as otherwise innocent as, ‘hey, want to get coffee sometime?’ ‘Thanks, but I’m into guys.’ If there’s no way to work in that kind of interaction, the fallback is stereotypical signals. Women with short hair, who work construction. Men who lisp, or sway their hips. There are many kinds of signals used in Western media and by god I loathe all of them. But anyway.

Here’s the problem, and I’ve seen this elsewhere, which is why I’m on guard. To indicate bisexuality, the character is treated like a simple combination of two opposing things: gay and straight. It’s like Jekyll and Hyde: at night, Lance turns into Metrosexually-Gay Lance, but in daylight, he’s Flirtatious-Straight Lance. Please, no. 

There’s another way I’ve seen bisexuality represented, and I hate this even more, because this is the shit that non-bi audience members carry into their everyday lives, and causes a lot of heartache for the bi community. And that’s to have Lance explicitly flirt with Keith, and when it’s noted, to defend himself by saying he flirts because he likes both men and women.

See, in a heterosexual character, we’d dismiss flirtation with the opposite sex as just a sign someone’s on the make. In a bisexual character, the layers of stereotypes twist this into, “this person isn’t capable of being attracted to only one person at a time,” which in turn becomes a charge that bisexuals aren’t capable of monogamy, or fidelity. Setting Lance up as an incorrigible flirt could play all too easily into that most pernicious of stereotypes: the bisexual who’s just biding their time to dump one lover for another. Or doesn’t even dump, just cheats, because ‘having potential attraction to multiple genders’ is apparently the same as ‘unable to be faithful to one person at a time’, in the minds of non-bi people.

This is why I’m really hoping it’s a feint, and in fact it’ll be one of the other characters who’s queer in some way. I’d actually like best if it were Shiro, simply because he’s been so stoically steadfast, and presents as extremely masculine. He’s so non-flirtatious that if he were bi, there’d be no room for that infidelity stereotype to gain ground; if he were gay, his masculinity would reinforce that one need not be a butch or femme stereotype to be attracted to the same gender. Or maybe the picture’s a total feint and we’ll find out Matt is gay, but I suppose that depends on whether Pidge manages to track him down anytime in the next four seasons.

I just don’t want to have a well-written series turn sour on me, simply because the writers wanted to represent without any understanding of the lived experience. Bisexuality does not mean someone is part-gay, part-straight. It’s an orientation in its own right, and we are long overdue for seeing that represented, and respected, in our media.

[bellabooks]

How Bella authors celebrate Pride

June is Pride month and that means a celebration of all things LGBTQ. Some of our Bella writers shared how they celebrate Pride, whether that means volunteering, watching the parade pass by, or tweeting up a storm.   Mary Griggs: I usually celebrate Pride by tableing for one of the organizations I volunteer with at the Pride festival and I sometimes even drive a car in the Pride parade. I think it is important to be visible at these events as it is still difficult and dangerous to be out in some places in the South. Photo by Josh Wilburne on Unsplash     Cade Haddock-Strong: The parade is my absolute favorite because I find it so incredibly uplifting. I usually get teary about every two minutes just seeing all the joy and watching people from all walks of life celebrate together. This week I went to Night OUT at National’s Park (home to our local MLB team). Admittedly, everyone, myself included, seemed a lot more interested in socializing than watching the baseball game going on in the background but it was tons of fun.    This weekend I’m going to the big Pride Parade in Washington, DC. My house is just blocks from the parade route which is pretty awesome (and handy – nice to be able to run home rather than face the dreaded port-o-let!) Source: Washington Nationals Jaime Clevenger: Hands down the Pride I remember best happened fifteen years ago. I’d recently met this woman online and was already smitten. She was all I could think about–which was a problem because I’d just graduated from Vet School and my new job expected me to act like a doctor and treat patients when all I wanted to do was daydream about this amazing, sexy, smart femme that–Holy Hell?!–seemed to like me.After weeks of emailing, we agreed to meet up at Pride. I had to work so I told her I’d catch up with her and her friends at the Cherry Bar after the Dyke March. My parents’ house was on the way to the City so to save time, I decided to swing by their place, shower, change out of my scrubs, and catch dinner with them. Now my parents weren’t super cool with the whole gay thing. I didn’t exactly come out by choice and for years there was a lot of crying and yelling on their part. Fortunately I’m stubborn so I kept telling them that I was happy the way I was, didn’t want to change, and still loved them very much. I guess some of that sunk in because when they asked me what my plans were after dinner and I told them I was going to Pride to meet up with some friends at a dance club, my mom’s response was: “I want to come! I love dancing.” That was not what I’d expected. I scrambled and went for the truth: “Mom, this is Pride and I’m going to a gay dance club. The place is gonna be full of women. Lesbians. Lots of them. And I’m also kind of meeting someone there that I like.” Then she says: “So why are you wearing those old jeans and a T-shirt? Gays love sequins. I have the perfect blouse you could borrow.” No way was I wearing sequins but before I could stop her, my mom hurried off to her room to change. There I was, in the middle of the kitchen, totally flummoxed, when my dad gets up from the dinner table and announces that he doesn’t want to stay home if we’re all going dancing. Now imagine this: One hour later, I’m in the back seat of my parents’ purple Cadillac driving over the Bay Bridge. Just as we pull into the City, I see that big pink triangle up on the hill. It’s still a gorgeous site that fills me with a bit of awe. How far we’ve come! Well, I knew in that moment that I was about to ruin my chances with that hot femme I’d been emailing by bringing my parents to our first real date, but I realized that I didn’t care. Pride is about being out–and proudly so. It’s not about the parade or even the dance parties. Pride is a chance to celebrate our queerness openly with friends, partners, kids or total strangers. And Pride isn’t simply one weekend in San Francisco. It’s the whole darn month of June all over the country. Fifteen years later, Pride is also the anniversary of the first time I danced with my wife. Turns out, she thought it was cool that I brought my parents.   Photo by Georgia de Lotz on Unsplash   Tracey Richardson: I celebrated Pride this month with my town’s first ever Pride Parade. When I moved here 28 years ago, we were a very long way from such a thing happening. This month’s inaugural parade was a roaring success, both in terms of participants & supporters. We’ve come a long way, baby & I couldn’t be more proud!   Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash   Lara Hayes: I’ve been to my share of Pride Parades, and I do enjoy them. Not the crowds necessarily, which are harder for me to handle now that I’m sober. And I do wish there were more gay spaces that didn’t involve drinking, but that’s a different post. I like the actual parades. I like seeing people in my community, local activist groups, tolerant churches, businesses, and volunteers marching through the streets in brilliant colors. The most consistent celebration for me happens on Twitter. Wherever I am, if I open Twitter in the month of June it’s like taking a fistfull of rainbow glitter out of my back pocket. I’ve lived in the South most of my life, so Pride events near me happen later in the year, anyway. But I get involved in June with all my mutuals and for a whole month were gloriously, obnoxiously gay together. Which is not to say we’re apologetically gay at any other time, but Twitter understands what I’m saying. http://dlvr.it/QX9WRk