#sometimes spectacularly in awful manipulative ways

[vemaro]

under these circumstances

[PART 2]

Here’s a link to PART 1 if you haven’t read it!

Pairing: Astarion x Tav (female Tav) // also minor Karlach x Dammon

Word count: ~2900

Notes: Sorry this one’s a bit longer. Couldn’t find a good spot to end it so I just left it as is. Man, I am soft for how Astarion approves of you helping children in Act 3. So soft. And in this house we stan Dammon!

Enjoy!

…

Astarion got roped in by the tieflings to come and see their former leader. And by roped in, Karlach literally dragged him up from the Underdark. Against his will. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see Tav. Of course he wants to see her. He wishes she never left his sight. Astarion just has absolutely no desire to see the woman he’s madly in love with living a lavish life with someone else . Sure, he understands it’s his own fault. The vampire made no shortage of mistakes along the way; holding her at dagger point upon introduction, plotting to seduce and manipulate her, telling her he hoped she died screaming because she stopped him from completing the ascension ritual, the list goes on. His biggest mistake, however, was not confessing when he still had a chance. That or screwing up his manipulation plan so spectacularly he ended up developing feelings in the first place.

On second thought, both mistakes are equally stupid on his part.

Tav irrevocably changed Astarion’s life and his worldview. She made him a better person, a better man, an upstanding citizen of society who’s willing to help others without a second thought (sometimes). If not for her, he might’ve ended up dead, still under the control of his now dead master, or, worse yet, he could’ve turned into Cazador. For as long as he’ll live, no one will ever mean more to him than that kind hearted woman. Which is why it hurts to see her here and now. She’s married with a child, albeit an adopted child and the marriage was for purely political reasons.

To add salt to his wound, there’s also the matter of said child, Callum himself. Astarion is not immune to the boy’s charm. He’s actually quite fond of him. Hells, he would kill for Callum. By some cosmic fluke, the boy seems to share the sentiment (just to be clear, the fondness, not the killing). He can’t help wondering if Callum gets this excited seeing Tav’s husband. It would be rather uncouth to ask, right?

Astarion smirks, perfectly masking all of the rampant thoughts clouding his mind. “I was wondering when you’d notice me,” he says. “I was starting to feel neglected.”

Callum charges at Astarion like a horse wearing blinders, who then scoops him up with practiced ease. The vampire gets a small poke from the sword for his troubles. “Ah, do mind the blade of your weapon, Mr. Monster Slayer,” he tuts. “This monster is on your side and won’t require any slaying, thank you very much.”

The little boy gasps. “You’re not a monster, Asty! You’re so nice!” He throws his little arms and hides in the man’s neck, ironically on the side with the bite marks. “I love you!”

Astarion isn’t too proud to admit he’s grown to have a soft spot for children (and cats), but Callum has him wrapped around his little finger. That doesn't make the unprompted proclamation any less nerve racking. Gods below, he is so much like his mother, ready to befriend almost anyone. If they were alone, he would’ve waxed poetic about his odd friendship with Callum, but today there is an audience, a very particular audience. “Thank you. I … I love you too, Callum,” he says back, refusing to make contact with anyone but the boy. For fuck’s sake, he has a reputation.

Karlach takes this prime opportunity to tease the vampire. “Awe, is that a faint blush coloring big bad Astarion’s cheeks?”

“No,” he’s quick to say. Too quick. Even if he really was blushing, he knows the callout would’ve caused more blood to rush his face and ears. But he is not blushing. Curse Karlach for bringing him here. “For your information, I haven’t fed in a while so that’s not possible.”

Tav, amazing and kind and sometimes alarmingly generous Tav, frowns. The crinkle in her brow oozes concern and it makes his undead heart ache. “Oh no, are you okay, Astarion? Later I could let you …” She lets her words trail off, but the implication is obvious. No one’s hidden the fact that he’s a vampire from Callum. They do tend to spare the gorier details for good measure.

He shakes his head. “Thank you, dear, but I simply couldn’t.” She’s only offering because her husband isn’t around. He’s also aware of Astarion’s condition and gets this pinched look on his face whenever Tav invites through the front door. Or perhaps he’s aware Astarion is in love with his wife. Who’s to say?

“Yes, you can, Astarion, because I’m offering.”

“I’m afraid I’ll have to decline.”

“But I insist.” He wants to accept, not only to be close to her again, but he’s genuinely thirsty. Most of the blood that crosses his path these days goes to the many ravenous spawn who followed him and siblings after the fall of Cazador.

Karlach snorts. “It’s either her or me, Fangs.”

Astarion blanches at the tiefling. “Er, no. I’ll have to pass, Karlach. Despite fixing your overheating problem ages ago, your blood is still much too spicy for my taste.” It’s the equivalent of biting directly into an Altheian chili pepper. Walking directly into the sun would burn less than stomaching her blood.

Tav shrugs. She puts on an airs of nonchalance since she thinks she’s won this argument. “That only leaves you one choice then, doesn’t it?”

He has a comeback though. “Ah ah, incorrect, my sweet. I also have the choice of not eating at all.”

Callum jerks back suddenly, a devastated expression on his face. “You have to eat, Asty. You have to. Food is good for you.”

Tav has crossed the room so she’s standing on his opposite side. Fantastic. Now he has both mother and son staring him down. “Exactly, Callum’s right. You need to feed.”

And, of course, Karlach, the loud mouth, has to throw her two gold pieces in. “Yeah, Fangs. We can’t have you starve to death.”

His eyes nearly roll to the back of his head. “That literally can’t happen—” Which all the adults in the room are fully aware of. Fuck you, Cazador. Burn in whatever level of the Hells he got shoved into. “—but alright, fine. Later.”

Relieved, Tav smiles and places a hand on his free shoulder. “Thank you.”

Astarion scoffs. “You’re thanking me? You’re the one offering bl—” A quick glance to the child makes him remember to rethink his words. “Food . You’re offering me food when you absolutely don’t have to. Thank you, Tav, you stubborn, selfless woman.”

Her hand slides from his shoulder to his back, finding the space between his shoulder blades. She rubs soothing circles there. “Of course. You’re one of my best friends. I worry about you.”

The contact sends goosebumps all over his body. Hold it together, Ancunin. “The concern is appreciated, darling, but I can handle myself.”

“I know, Astarion,” she says. “But still. That’s what friends do. We look after one another.”

He both loves and hates the title. It causes his stomach to do a somersault and also drop like a heavy stone.

“You’re my best friend, Asty!”

A better distraction couldn’t have come along. “Am I now? Well, I feel honored.” He tosses a cheeky grin at his competition. “Hear that? I’m his best friend.”

Karlach’s jaw drops. The next few minutes are about to get interesting. “I thought I was your best friend, Callum.”

The little boy taps his chin in deep thought and points between them respectively. “Um, Asty’s my best friend. And Karlach’s my best friend. And Dammon’s my best friend.”

The blacksmith shrugs. “That’s fair. Though I’m just happy to be included.”

Astarion swivels so Callum’s back is to the rest of them. “Yes, of course, we’re all your best friends. How sweet and diplomatic. But I’m your favorite, right?”

Karlach rushes over, and is it suddenly a little warmer than it was a second ago? “I’m his favorite.” She tries to place herself in Callum’s line of sight, but Astarion swivels away again. And again. And again.

At this point he’s spinning in a circle. “Excuse me, you saw how utterly delighted he was when he saw me.”

Never one to back down from a challenge, Karlach starts walking in a circle too, following Astarion and Callum’s rotation. It’s officially a game of keep away with Tav’s son. “What? He didn’t even notice you at first, you said so yourself.”

He waves her off. “It’s hard to miss the large, exuberant, bright red tiefling smack dab in the middle of the kitchen.”

She sticks her tongue out. “Whatever makes you feel better, Fangs.”

Who cares if she could throw him and Callum over her shoulder like it’s nothing; he’s going to throttle her. “If you don’t believe me, ask him.” Astarion abruptly stops, grabs the boy under the arms, and holds him out. “Callum, dear sweet and so very brave, Callum. Tell that wretched Karlach I’m your favorite best friend. Also, you’re very adorable. And a great swordsman.”

Karlach elbows the man none too gently. “No, Callum. Tell yucky, stinky Asty I am your favorite.”

Meanwhile, Tav and Dammon stand back, amused and entertained. “How is my four year old more mature than these two full grown adults?”

“Baffles me as well,” he says. “Still love them though, right?”

Tav has to look away, hoping he doesn’t notice the blood rushing to her face. “Mhmm. Still love them.”

“Callum.”

“Callum.”

“Callum!”

“Tell him, Callum!”

“Stop,” Callum shouts, shocking both of them. He points his sword to the side. “I love you both. But … Mama’s my favorite.”

Dammon barks out a laugh at the plot twist. Tav glides in and takes her son into her arms, even does a little twirl. “Awe. You’re my favorite too, Callum.” She pulls him in for a big kiss on his chubby little cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Mama.” Tav peppers a dozen more kisses all over his face, resulting in a fit of giggles and squeals.

Astarion averts his eyes, trying so hard to ignore the roil of yearning churning in his gut. Is he really jealous of a toddler? Pathetic. Someone clears their throat, making him look back up. Karlach is staring at him, hard, and she flicks her eyebrows. What’s this about? He narrows his eyes trying to discern her intentions, to which she smiles knowingly then looks back at Tav. She makes eye contact again then silently mouths tell her now.

As if it’s as easy as that! As if Astarion could just walk up to Tav and just tell her he loves her with every fiber of his being. He’s fucked up way too many times for that to ever happen. He’s fucked up too many times for her to ever return his love. And even if by some miracle she did love him back, she’s in a publicly favored marriage. (To be honest, he’d be perfectly content as the mistress, but he would never put her in that position.)

Karlach’s support, however well-intentioned, is ultimately pointless. The pale elf and the sunny druid are not meant to be, much to his chagrin. Because he apparently can’t help it, his gaze drifts towards Tav again. Mother and son glow with love, affection, and warmth, something he was forced to leave behind when they’d finally rid themselves of the parasites. It’s too much for his heart to take. Without a word, Astarion turns on his heel and heads for the front door. Best to commiserate in solitude, maybe back in his fortress in the Underdark, but …

“Asty? Where are you going?”

Shit. So much for being a stealthy rogue. Now to have a go at persuasion. “Just stepping out for a moment, little bird.”

Callum pouts in the most irritatingly precious way. “You’re leaving?”

Great, now he feels bad. He really is wrapped around the boy’s finger. “No. I was in need of some fresh air, is all. I’ll be right back.”

The boy wiggles until Tav places him down. Then he runs over and grabs Astarion’s hand. “I’ll go with you. I’ll protect you from the scary monsters.” He punctuates the statement with a slash of his new sword.

Tav can sense something is wrong, though she has no idea exactly what it is. “Um, Callum, perhaps you should wait here with me.”

Right on cue, the dramatic, overconfident facade slips back into place. “But what if there’s a monster, dear? You would leave poor little me defenseless? Now who’s the monster?”

As always, she sees right through it. “Are you sure?”

He keeps at it. “Absolutely, darling. He’ll have me back within the hour.”

“Okay.” Tav has that wrinkle in her brow again and she crosses her arms. He is in for an interrogation later. “Be safe. Both of you.”

“Bye, Mama!”

She waves back. “Bye.”

Astarion catches her eye and gives a playful wink before speaking to Callum. “Let’s go, Mr. Monster Slayer. I think I saw a vendor in need of saving on our way in. He might give you some sweet treats as a reward.”

“Yay!”

The pair leaves as Astarion goes into some tall tale of his adventures since he’d visited last. Tav is left trying to calm her rapidly beating heart. They’re friends. Tav and Astarion are friends, nothing more. He made it abundantly clear in the past that he has no romantic interest in her. And she insisted they be friends. Not to mention she’s married now. To a widely known public figure. It can never happen. Never ever. As much as she wished it could.

And yet the druid can’t rid herself of the image of Callum’s face when he laid eyes on Astarion. He doesn’t even get that excited when Terrick, the man raising him, returns from his business trips. Not that she can blame her son. She definitely prefers the company of the vampire over her husband. She prefers any of her friends’ company over her pretentious husband.

Not that she’s ever voice that out loud.

She roughly has half an hour to get herself under control. When they return, she’ll send Dammon, Karlach, and Callum outside for the ‘sparring session.’ Inside, she’ll allow Astarion to feed then question him about whatever seems to be a bother. She won’t be able to focus properly if she’s too busy staring lovingly into his beautiful ruby red eyes or imagining herself dragging her fingers through his soft hair or—no, stop it. Stop it.

It’s been years. Get over it. Focus.

Tav suddenly claps her hands together, starling her remaining guests. “Okay. While you get settled in a guest room, I’ll put together some snacks. Dinner won’t be ready for another hour or so.”

Karlach opens her mouth to say something, but Dammon grabs her by the hand and starts pulling her out of the room. “Sounds perfect, Tav. Thank you for letting us stay the night.”

She’s too preoccupied with forcing herself to compartmentalize her feelings to realize she missed something. “You’re welcome.”

In their room, Dammon shuts the door and looks at his partner disapprovingly. He’s got his arms crossed and one foot tapping a steady rhythm on the rug. Karlach hates it. “What?” she whisper-yells.

“You know what.”

She begins to pace because she is not a fan of standing still. “They’re my best friends, Dammon! And they’re totally oblivious to each other's feelings.”

“I know, but it’s not your place.”

She smirks, hoping to lighten the mood. “Isn’t it?”

He pinches the ridge of his nose and sighs. “No, love, it’s not.”

She pouts. “Why not?”

He rolls his eyes. “Because they’re both adults. If they wanted to express how they felt for one another, they could do it themselves.”

Karlach throws her arms out, but keeps her voice at a whisper. “But they won’t express how they feel because they both think the other thinks of them as just a friend because of all the shit that happened when we had worms in our heads.” Miscommunication, manipulation, and misinformation. It was truly a mess back then. Still is, apparently.

Dammon sits down on the bed and leans forward with his elbows on his knees. “That may be true, but it’s still not your place to speak on behalf of either of them.” He cocks an eyebrow. “Need I remind you that Tav is currently married.”

It’s her turn to roll her eyes. “She doesn’t love that soggy sponge, Terrick. She only did it so she could help the city. Bloody hells, she held her wedding outside, at night just so Astarion could attend.”

She makes a fair point. “I know, I know.”

The big red tiefling sits down next to him. “I want them to be happy, Dammon. They’re not happy.”

“Under these circumstances, they can’t be together.” Karlach lets out a frustrated growl. “Things can change though. Circumstances can change. There’s hope that one day those two will finally wake up and see what’s right in front of them with no obstacles in the way.”

“You really believe that?”

He straightens up and reaches for her hand again, this time meshing their fingers together. “That’s what I want to believe, love.”

She huffs. “Me too.”

He gives her hand a squeeze. “Promise to leave them be during our stay?”

And there’s that pout again. “Ugh, yes. Promise,” she grumbles.

“Thank you.” Dammon tilts towards her and places a light kiss on her cheek. Their tails intertwine behind them. “Now come on. She may not be happy, but I think having friends around makes things better.”

“I think so too.” They both stand up and head for the kitchen again. Just before opening the door, Karlach blocks it and grins wickedly at her partner. “But I know what would make her even happier .”

“Karlach.”

She relents. “Gods, kidding. Just kidding, Dammon.” Mostly.

…

Thank you so much for reading!

[nny11writes]

i dunno, i feel like there's one thing with saying that adora hurt catram and another with saying that it's all her fault and she's an abuser too and i feel like that person's posts have always veered towards the latter category

you dont have to reply to this ask but thats the impression ive gotten from that blogger, excusing other characters while somehow shifting everything onto adora

I can see where you see that, but I’ll be honest I don’t interpret their posts that way. 

I like the tag line “Adora needs to own her shit” because that is a part of her character growth that we don’t talk about. Adora, just like Catra, does some awful shitty things during the show. Like, on screen explicitly bad behavior that often gets swept under the rug due to Adora’s usually good intentions.

I interpret the posts less as everything is Adora’s fault and she’s an abuser, and more as Adora has fucked up and been able to side step a lot of things she needs to unlearn. Some of these things can be abusive, especially if she never works on it.

But the posts also aren’t there to be well rounded extoling the bad and the good. They are laser focused on the bad behaviors and why they’re bad with a dash of here’s some reasons this happened which usually boils down to Shadow Weaver’s abuse of Adora, Adora’s maladaptive coping mechanisms, or ego. All of which are things that negatively impact Adora’s reactions and behaviors.

Just like any meta analysis, I don’t think it’s all true nor do I agree with everything presented. But I also think that the goal was to explore hurtful things that Adora does, so it’s going to focus more on that slant that anything else. In a hilarious twist one of the biggest things I really disagree with was an interpretation involving Glimmer, but there was plenty in there that I went “huh, that is a way to interpret the show”.

One of the things that is difficult with metas specifically is that they are often presented as a be all end all because that’s what makes a strong point. The point that Adora does often guilt trip Catra or that she does behave more physically violently at times towards her has to be broken down and explored, and stopping that to reassure (even more than was done in those posts) that Adora is a good person is reductive to the point of the analysis.

I don’t know if that makes sense, and this is probably just something we won’t see completely eye to eye on. But yeah, for me the posts don’t feel like they’re saying “Adora is an abuser who does everything wrong to hurt Catra on purpose” so much they read to me as “Adora is a victim of abuse who is struggling to learn new ways to live, who doesn’t (in the show) get to fully confront the ways she hurt someone due to growing up in such an unsafe and cruel manner. So let’s talk about the hurtful things she does that are heavily influenced by abusive behavior and tactics, the same way we’ve dived into Catra’s side of this coin.”

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Mute

Prompt: I absolutely adore your writing! Could I ask for a request too, please? I was thinking of a back-and-forth between Janus and Logan, just lies after truths after lies, until one snaps and accidentally causes the other to lose the ability to speak? Since they can both technically change the reality around them. Either the recipient becomes forcibly mute or the very angsty "sowed up mouth" method. Whoever caused the other to lose their speech freaks out and tries their best to fix their mess while apologising. Either a platonic or romantic ending -whichever you decide- but with at least a happy ending please? - willowaudreykeyes

Thanks for the prompts, babe!

Read on Ao3

Warnings: sympathetic janus, logan gets his mouth sewn shut but it's okay we fix it

Pairings: can be platonic or romantic I don't care, but we hit logince, rociet, lociet

Word Count: 2922

He doesn’t even remember how it started.

Or, an argument between Logan and Janus spirals dangerously out of hand, and powers in the Mindscape are sometimes more curses than blessings.

It hadn’t been something Thomas knew about, it hadn’t been a group discussion—he doesn’t think the others know where they are. Virgil is probably in his room, Roman is working in the Imagination, Patton is baking with Remus.

He doesn’t remember how it started.

He does know how they got here.

“I fail to see what use this is,” Logan had grumbled, standing up from the library table, “I will be better off figuring this out myself.”

“Oh, yes, of course, because that’s always gone so well for you in the past.”

Logan’s eyes had flashed with anger he still denies he has. “I fail to see what gives you the opinion that you have any right to complain.”

“Because I’m certainly the one saying that I’ve done all my best work alone.”

Janus had smirked cruelly as Logan shoved his glasses back up his nose and pointed a finger at him. “Your track record, may I remind you, has certainly shown that.”

Janus had thrown his head back and cackled, filled with mirth that sat like rot in the pit of his stomach. “And yet I managed to do so much more in the few times I appeared than you.”

“Oh, like that’s the same thing.”

He had held his hand to his mouth in a mock gasp. “Why, Logan, surely you can’t be insinuating that you think the others are incompetent. How hurtful, what on earth would they say?”

“I did not say that.”

“But you meant it, didn’t you?” Janus had morphed his expression into a mock pout. “They’re all so slow, so irrational, all they do is get in the way, they’re so irritating.”

“You’re attempting to convince me that I said something I did not,” Logan had said firmly, “it will not work. The meaning of my remark, as you are aware, was that you, as your role in the videos, have an easier time disrupting the flow of conversation that I do as a member of the main cast.”

Logan had ignored—or perhaps not noticed—the subtle tightening of Janus’s fist. He had simply sniffed and looked down his nose.

“And even then, it’s a surprise you haven’t been more capable.”

Janus had bared his teeth. “Yes, because obviously, you could’ve done better.”

“Oh, please.” Logan had tucked his notebook into the crook of his arm. “Can you name one of your haphazard schemes that actually worked?”

Janus had gritted his teeth as Logan opened the notebook and began to read down the list.

“Your attempt to get Thomas to lie to Joan failed when Roman started to believe that lying was wrong as well, leading to Thomas discovering your true identity.”

“By all means,” Janus had growled, “keep going.”

“Most notably, your attempt to get Thomas to go to the callback backfired quite spectacularly—something that wouldn’t have happened in quite the same fashion had you actually let me participate—“

“Keep talking, Logan,” he’d said again, inching closer to the nerd, “that’s a wonderful idea.”

“—and of course, led to what is the most disruptive event in recent memory,” Logan had continued, undaunted, “the wedding.”

Janus hadn’t even bothered with words this time, reaching for the notebook with a growl. Logan had tucked it away before he could reach it.

“Tell me,” he had said, “was it worth it? Knowing how much it cost us?”

“Surely,” Janus had growled back, “then you know it’s not because you didn’t do your job well enough.”

Logan had stiffened. “What are you talking about?”

“Well surely you haven’t realized that the reason I was able to make it into that video in the first place,” Janus had said smoothly, sliding back into the ‘villain’ persona Logan has so graciously cast him in, “was that you were so painfully easy to replace.”

“Falsehood,” Logan had said lowly.

Janus had raised his hand again. “Oh, so you did notice. Splendid. Then you know that when it comes to pushing blame around the Mindscape—“

He had leaned closer.

“—you’re where we should be looking too.”

“I am—“

“Easy to overlook,” Janus had sung, prowling around Logan in a circle, “easy to silence. And surely there’s no correlation between when you attempt to override the others and when Thomas gets hurt. You want to talk about my failures? Then let’s not forget getting the others trapped in Patton’s room, shall we?”

Logan’s fists had tightened. “That’s not—“

“After all,” Janus had continued, speaking over him to illustrate his point, “if I’m to blame for knocking all the dominos down, you certainly didn’t give me a hand setting them up.”

“As if that in any way equivocates to what you did,” Logan had spat, the emotionless facade finally giving way as he whirled of Janus, “I did not use, manipulate, and lie to get the others to do what I want.”

“Oh, of course you didn’t.”

“And if I did, my lies would be nowhere near as comically obvious.”

“Ah, yes, of course you’re never comical.” Janus had tapped Logan’s flushed cheek. “The possibilities of you being a joke have always been…infinitesimal.”

Logan had bared his teeth as Janus chuckled. “At least my concept of a joke never hurt anyone.”

Logan’s mouth had tugged up cruelly too.

“Setting Remus loose on Thomas when you knew he was already upset, pushing the others to follow on whatever path you decided was best. And let’s not even start on what you did to Roman.”

Janus had flinched.

“Have you ever apologized?” Logan had shaken his head. “For everything that you’ve done to hurt him?”

“Have you?”

The room had dropped several degrees.

Janus had dropped the villain persona, staring directly at Logan.

“You want to talk about hurting the others, hurting Roman,” he had said lowly, “what do you think it is that you do?”

Logan had opened his mouth to speak but Janus had raised a finger.

“No. Do you know how much you’ve hurt him? Over how many years you’ve made him ashamed of who he is?” He had shaken his head. “I know I’ve hurt him. But you don’t seem to recognize it.”

He had looked Logan up and down, mouth curled in disgust.

“Maybe I’m not good enough at my job for your liking, but I sure was good at yours.” He had raised an eyebrow. “Maybe they wanted you silenced permanently. They did press the ‘skip’ button, after all.”

He had looked for the shadow of the bruise on Logan’s neck.

“And it was so easy to replace you. To silence you properly.”

He had turned away, not bothering to look at Logan’s face.

“Maybe I should do them a favor and keep you quiet.”

There had been a strangled gasp behind him.

“Oh, what,” Janus had drawled, turning around, “did you finally realize you don’t have a smart comeback for…”

The room had frozen.

…so that’s how they got here.

Janus, standing a few paces from Logan, turning back to face him, the sharp quip dying on the edge of his lips as his mouth drops open in horror, staring back.

Logan, his eyes wide, shining with unshed tears, glasses blurred and obscured by the bright light shining from the golden stitches that sew his mouth shut.

Logan raises trembling hands to his mouth, feeling the stitches, tears rolling down his face. His fingers disappear into the bright golden light as he fumbles with his mouth, until he realizes that he can’t.

The strangled scream lingers in Janus’s head long after Logan shrinks into a crouch on the floor.

No.

No.

No, no, no, no—no, not Logan. Not Logan.

“Oh, god—“ Logan’s hands keep pressing fruitlessly against his mouth— “no, oh, god, Logan—“

He runs back, ready to crouch and pry Logan’s hands away before he hurts himself, chest splitting open from the ache of hurting the poor thing like this.

He doesn’t think it could hurt more.

Like so many other times today, he’s wrong.

The instant Logan catches a glimpse of him moving toward him, he shoves himself away, scrambling backward until his back hits the wall. Eyes wide, breathing as heavily as he can through the stitches, utterly terrified.

As he has every right to be.

“No, no, Logan,” he murmurs frantically, “no, it’s okay, I’m not trying to hurt you—“

Does it matter that you’re not trying? You certainly were earlier.

“—I promise, Logan, please, I’m—I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—“

Through the pants, the sobs, the shakiness of his chest, Logan huffs, disbelieving.

“I didn’t, Logan, I promise.” Janus drops to his knees in front of the crying man. “I—we went too far. I’m sorry, I didn’t know this would happen, I didn’t mean to, please—“

The poor thing presses himself further against the wall. Janus swallows, feeling guilt press hot and heavy against the underside of his tongue. He reaches out, trying desperately to show him that he’s sorry, he didn’t mean to, he doesn’t actually believe anything he just said, he’s nothing but a liar, a horrible liar, please—

“I didn’t mean it, Logan, I promise, you’re—you’re not replaceable, I don’t want you silenced, the others don’t hate you, they don’t want you gone, I’m sorry—“

Slowly, too slowly, and not slowly enough, Logan’s breathing begins to settle. His eyes lose that awful whiteness and he slumps a little against the wall. His cheeks are damp, his glasses knocked askew, but he stares at Janus and slowly, slowly, nods.

“L-Logan?”

Another nod, a little less hesitant.

Janus’s shoulders slump. “Oh, Logan, why does it always end up with you being the better person?”

A tiny quirk of the eyebrow, nowhere near Logan’s typical sass levels, but it’s enough. It’s enough. Enough to make a weak smile come to Janus’s face.

“Can I come over, please? Can I come help?”

Logan nods, still wary as Janus shuffles across the floor. Before he makes it all the way there, he tugs off his gloves and stuffs them in his pocket.

“There,” he says quietly, wiggling his fingers to get used to it, “don’t want the fibers getting caught on anything.”

Logan’s wide-eyed stare tells him he knows why Janus really took the gloves off. Something Janus confirms a moment later.

“And I want you to know that I mean it.” He reaches forward. “Can I touch?”

Logan still flinches when Janus runs his thumb carefully over the cruel stitches sewing Logan’s mouth shut. He winces as he takes in how taut the thread is, how many stitches there are.

“Oh, Logan, I’m so sorry,” he mumbles, “does it hurt very badly?”

Another miserable nod.

Then it clicks.

Logan.

The one who submits least to the Imagination. The one who tethers himself tightly to the fact that they are metaphysical, they are subjective, they need not subject themselves to real-world consequences of whatever nonsense the other Sides pull.

Logan still has the stitches.

It threatens to break Janus’s heart all over again.

“Oh, sweetie,” he murmurs, cupping Logan’s face and slipping his glasses to the top of his head, “I’ve hurt you more than this, haven’t I?”

For indeed, if Logan is too upset to remember how to pull himself out of turns of phrase, then the poor thing is distraught.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay,” he murmurs, gently wiping away Logan’s tears, “it’s okay, sweetie, I’m not going to hurt you, it’s over, I’m not angry, I’m going to take care of you.”

And oh, the way Logan pushes shyly into his hands feels warm.

“Does this help, sweetie, is this alright?” At Logan’s nod, he moves, tucking Logan’s legs across his lap with his other hands. “Come here, yes—that’s it, shh, I’ve got you, you just focus on me.”

Logan’s eyes fall closed and a muffled whimper comes from his throat.

“I’ve got you, sweetie, I’m right here,” Janus murmurs, still cupping the poor thing’s head as it leans into him, “shh, shh, let’s get you a little calmer before we have a look, okay?”

Logan gives a huff of ‘what do you think I’m trying to do?’

“I know you know that, sweetie,” he chuckles, lifting Logan’s head to gently knock their foreheads together, “you’re clever. Our resident brain cell.”

He wraps one hand around the back of his neck.

“It’s just like what you taught us, remember? Object impermanence. This won’t last forever. I’m right here. You were so brave, you are so brave, so wonderful, so sweet…just give yourself time, sweetie, it’s okay.”

Logan relaxes a little in his hold as he keeps talking quietly. The poor thing gets over his hesitation and buries his face shamelessly in the crook of Janus’s neck.

“Shh, shh, that’s it, sweetie, easy now—“ Janus cradles him as he sets his glasses out of the way— “I’ve got you. I’m right here, sweetie, I’ve got you. It’s almost over, now, you can do it, shh.”

Another muffled noise from Logan.

“You’re not easily replaceable,” Janus says firmly, “you’re not unwanted. You’re not a joke, the others know how much you care about them, how much you help them, how important they are to you, how important you are to them.”

He tilts his head to press a kiss to Logan’s temple.

“How important you are to me.”

The golden light dims, sputters, and vanishes.

“…sweetie?”

Logan pulls back, carefully rubbing his fingers over his stitch-free mouth. He opens and closes a few times.

“Ouch.”

“Are you alright, sweet? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—“

“I know,” Logan says quietly, “I’m sorry too. That…escalated very quickly. I did not mean the things I said either.”

He squints.

“Oh, here—“ Janus passes him his glasses.

“Thank you. But that’s not why I—what were we arguing about, to begin with?”

Janus huffs a laugh. “I had been meaning to ask you that question.”

“Well, whatever it is, it must not have been very important.”

There’s a moment of silence.

“I’m sorry too,” Logan repeats after that pause, “you are not just a villain, you are not incompetent, and you…you are not to blame for everything that has gone wrong.”

Janus chucks him lightly under the chin. “Neither are you.”

“I know that, intellectually, and yet…somehow, it remains difficult for me to grasp.”

“Because even though you’re Logic, sweetie,” Janus says, “you’re Thomas’s Logic.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Because Thomas is, frankly, something of a dumbass.”

It startles a laugh out of him at any rate.

“I mean, that also makes you a dumbass.”

“Oh, I’m perfectly aware.”

Logan’s smile is wonderful. “What is it that Roman is quite fond of saying?”

“That he’s pure of heart, dumb of ass?”

“That’s is.”

“Well, it’s true.”

“It is.” Logan frowns. “Even if he’s far more intelligent than he gets credit for.”

Janus nudges him. “I hope you know that you can be big of brain and dumb of ass at the same time.”

“Ah. I see.”

There’s another moment of silence as they reflect on what’s been said. Then Logan nervously adjusts his tie.

“Speaking of Roman…”

“I was about to say.” Janus gives his knee a pat. “Shall we see if we can find him?”

“I believe his business in the Imagination should be done.” They help each other to stand, Logan keeping a grip on Janus’s sleeve. “Should we check his room first?”

“I think so.”

Roman, of course, swings open the door with a cheerful greeting, the role of the pompous prince firmly in place until he takes in their tear-stained faces and he melts, dropping the act almost immediately.

“Oh, my darlings,” he coos, cupping each of their faces in a hand, “what’s the matter? Why do you look so upset?”

“May we come in, please?” Indeed, poor Logan looks as if he’s about to melt into Roman’s arms. Janus can’t talk, though, he’s about to do the same.

“Of course, come on, let’s get you sat down—“

Roman bustles about the room, fetching them a glass of water, sitting on his bed with them, almost bursting into tears himself when he hears what’s happened and promptly telling them they’re going to spend the rest of the day right here, in comfy clothes, watching ridiculously obscure documentaries until Patton and Remus call them down for dinner. They keep a hand on each other at all times, laughing at Janus’s snarky responses to awful narrators, Logan’s quick corrections when the information is out of date, and Roman’s impersonations of the strange wildlife. Roman’s room is pleasantly noisy and they wouldn’t have it any other way.

He doesn’t remember how it started, but he will always remember how it ended.

Curled around each other, in the warmth and safety of the people who care about him.

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[bellatrixobsessed1]

Ten Sides (Part 27)

She needs him to do it, she can’t seem to motivate herself any other way. Even if it is just a little kick. A touch of confidence or a jolt of serenity to get her through the rest of the conversation.

“Why do you need Aang?” TyLee furrows her brows.

“I just do.” She mutters. She can’t explain this any better than she can explain why an apology is no good or why fixing things with her is something that probably shouldn’t be done anyways. She feels nearly numb. Just numb enough to induce a sense of disconnect but not numb enough to shake away the deeper sense of guilt and shame that she has invited in. The sense of hopelessness.

“Azula…” TyLee says, gently.

She had expected her attempt to make amends to fail, but not so spectacularly and painfully. “Can you find the Avatar for me?” She doesn’t know why she is asking them. She doesn’t know why TyLee listened. She wishes that the woman hadn’t; it is just one more order that she had coerced her into doing. Even without meaning to.

“Azula?” This time it is Aang who calls her.

She forces herself to sit up. Agni, she doesn’t even know how to ask him for what she needs. She knows that she needs to ask him without an audience. Spirits, she can’t have an audience for this. “I have a favor to ask you.”

He raises a brow. “What kind of favor?” He looks from her to Mai and TyLee. “Do you need me to meditate?”

“Perhaps, but first things first. I need to speak with you alone.”

“Seriously?” Mai grumbles.

“Let me talk to her.” Aang flashes Mai a brief smile. “I promise, sometimes it’s a good idea to let Azula have her way.”

“Yeah, that’s the just it.” Mai frowns. “If she doesn’t get her way things get dangerous. You get hurt and now she has you on a leash. What kind of blackmail gets the Avatar under her control.”

Azula grits her teeth, torn between a sense of rising anger and another suffocating layer of guilt. Even if she isn’t putting ideas into their heads they can’t say no to her because they are afraid to. Perhaps she should just walk away from this entirely. It might be better for everyone… She feels Aang’s hand on her shoulder.

“She has friendship.” He replies finally. “Come on, Azula.” He nudges her towards the other room.

She leans herself quite heavily against the wall.

“What do you need my help with?”

She bites the inside of her cheek. “I need you to…” She rubs the heels of her palms against her eyes. “I can’t do this on my own…”

He smiles again, “that’s why I’m here.”

“No, Avatar, that’s not what I mean.”

He tilts his head and furrows his brows.

“I can’t calm down on my own.”

“What are you trying to ask me, Azula?”

“Do you still have some of those spirit vines?”

“Azula, I’m not using the vines on you again.”

She slams her fist into the wall. “I need you to do it, Avatar!” She needs to feel something that isn’t awful. Even if it isn’t genuine. Even if it doesn’t come from her. She just needs to feel okay. She just needs something to get her through the conversation.

Aang shakes his head, “you said that it was a violation.”

“This is different.”

“How?”

“Because I’m asking you to do it.” She replies softly. “And you’re going to stop when I tell you to. I just need help calming down, Avatar. I just need to get through the discussion.”

Aang shakes his head again. “You need to do it on your own. If you can’t then maybe the conversation needs to wait for another time. Besides, I don’t have any of the vines anyways. Why would I?”

“I thought that you would have taken some.”

“Why would you think that? Why would I do that?”

Azula shrugs. “Just in case I got to be too much for you.”

“You are a lot to handle sometimes.” He admits. “But I promised I wouldn’t do that to you again.” And he is true to his word, so true to it that she doesn’t think that even getting down on her knees and begging would convince him to break his word. “If you can’t calm down, then tell them that the conversation is over.”

“But…” she frowns. “You said that...remember when we were working on the air chakra?”

Aang’s smile returns. “I remember. You’re trying to fix things.”

But she still doesn’t want to have to fight for it; she just wants to be loved. Why is she so hard to love? Aang takes her hand. “Then you can’t cut corners. You have to do it the right way. I’ve never seen you try to take the easy way out of things.”

She stares at his hand, his thumb is rubbing the back of her hand. “Some things shouldn’t be fixed. I should let them walk away. It’s better if I do.”

“Why do you say that?”

She opens her mouth only to close it. It isn’t that she doesn’t have the words this time, it is that she doesn’t particularly want to say them. It is one thing to admit it privately and another matter to do so out loud.  He waits patiently for her to speak.  “If Sangyul apologized to me, I wouldn’t accept it. I wouldn’t even humor the idea, it’s absurd. They shouldn’t humor my attempt.”

“That’s not the same.” But it sure feels the same to her. “You’re not like him.” Perhaps not anymore. “You didn’t tamper with their spirit energy.” And yet she had impacted their spirit all the same. She isn’t sure that there is anything that he could say to her to make her feel as if she hadn’t done something unforgivable. She thinks that he realizes this because he changes his approach.

“There’s a really big difference between you and Sangyul.”

“What’s that, Avatar?”

“Sangyul doesn’t think that he did anything wrong. And if he does, then he doesn’t care.” He gives her hand a little squeeze. “You’re not like that.”

“I don’t want to be like that.” She replies.

“You aren’t, he repeats. Go back and finish talking to them.”

“I don’t know how.” She admits.

“Just tell them what you told me.”

But she is afraid. Deep down she is afraid. Deep down she is only fear. She thinks that that is all she has ever been and all that she will be. She is either afraid or something to be afraid of. No matter which it is, fear is her very core and essence.

“I can’t.” She has already made herself so vulnerable twice now, possibly thrice. And each time had been just as uncomfortable and unpleasant as the next. She mutters something to that effect.

“You’re going to have to be at least a little uncomfortable before things get easier.”

“But I’ve already…”

“Not with Mai and TyLee.” He tugs her away from the wall. “Come on, let's give it a try.”

She drops back onto the sofa. She finds herself once again stuck in the silence she’d started with. Aang gives her a subtle nudge but it isn’t enough. It can’t coax the right words out of her. In order to express just what she is feeling she would need to delve into the damages and humiliations that Sangyul subjected her to. She doesn’t want them to know that yet, she doesn’t trust them with it.

Mai stands up, “I have things to do.”

“Wait.” Azula mumbles.

“For what? You to sit there for another ten minutes?”

“No.”

“Then say something.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me why you made me give up my dream.” TyLee replies.

Azula flinches. “I needed help finding my brother and uncle, I couldn’t do it on my own.”

“You could have gotten someone who wanted to go.”

She shakes her head. “I don’t have many other friends.” She has none at all, in fact.

“Gee, I wonder why.” Mai grumbles.

“You could have made some.”

Azula shakes her head again. “Nobody wants to talk to me.”

She waits for Mai to repeat herself. Instead she says, “you had trained guards.”

“It wouldn’t have been the same.” She wanted TyLee and Mai specifically. For their efficacy and for their companionship. The comforts of their familiarity. She thinks that this is an important detail so she forces herself to say as much.

She thinks that TyLee might be at least somewhat satisfied with the answer considering that there really is no good reason to tear someone away from their dreams and aspirations. But Mai is completely stoic, unmovable.

“I don’t want to be alone.”

“Then you better hope that you find someone who is willing to put up with you.” Mai shrugs.

She looks to Aang. He rubs comforting circles on her back. She is certain that the gesture isn’t lost on Mai and TyLee. She has said at least something of her piece, she doesn’t think that she can take it much further. She can’t imagine that it would do her any favors anyhow. “I will be in my bedroom.”

.oOo.

Aang catches her hand. “You haven’t even said the most important thing.”  He has a good feeling that she won’t so with a sigh, he caves, “she does feel bad, she just doesn’t know how to say it.” He has a feeling that she will have some choice words for him later.

“Well she can try.” Mai drums her fingers on the armrests.

“She’s been through some things. Eye opening things.”

“Like what?” TyLee cocks her head.

He opens his mouth and she cuts him a look, one that is almost pleading so he decides against bringing up Sangyul. “I was helping her balance her chakras. It requires a lot of self reflection.” He can feel her growing tenser and tenser still as the conversation carries on. “We talked about a lot of things and we got to the air chakra.”

“Which is?”

“It deals with love and grief blocks it. She had trouble with that one.”

“Because she can’t feel love?” Mai speculates.

“Because she doesn’t feel loved.”

He catches the slightest tremble of her lower lip. He thinks that he might have made this somehow more painful than it would have been to share the Sangyul story.

TyLee’s expression seems to darken and Mai doesn’t have anything to say for a good while. “It’s hard to love someone who manipulates and toys with you.”

Even he flinches at this. He can’t imagine how hard it is for Azula to love him. Truthfully he isn’t sure why she is giving him a chance at all. He steals a glance at her and the answer is written on her face; she can love him because, whether she knows it or not, she understands him. She was manipulated and a manipulator all in one. And maybe that’s just it. Maybe everyone is just toying with everyone.

“It’s nearly impossible.” Azula agrees in almost a whisper.

His stomach lurches. And lurches a second time when she stands up and makes her retreat. He doesn’t think that is going to be able to get her back in that room. He isn’t sure that he will be able to get her to speak with them a second time, she has made up her mind; considers the bridge to be burned beyond repair. But she has the tools in her hands to build a new one, he just worries that she doesn’t have the will power.

He thinks to say something else to Mai and TyLee, to do at least some damage control but he also dreads what will happen if he leaves Azula alone for too long. Especially since this is her second failed attempt to make amends with someone one--third if her first try with Mai and TyLee is to be counted.

“Do you think that I’m unlovable, Azula?” He asks when he catches up to her.

“What?”

“It wasn’t just Sangyul. I...I helped manipulate you. Do you think that I’m unforgivable and unlovable?”

She shakes her head. “Why are you asking me this again?”

“Because I think that you have it wrong;  you’re not like Sangyul. You’re like me. And if you an forgive me then Mai and TyLee can forgive you.”

She furrows her brows, “we’re not the same. You’re a good person, Avatar.”

“And good people make mistakes. Really, huge ones.” He pauses. “Maybe you aren’t like me either. Maybe you’re just...you.”

[brunchbitch]

Just watched the Paris Hilton documentary. I’m so sorry you ever had to go through one of those prisons. I’m so proud of you for surviving. Have your parents seen it? Do they know how horrible those places are? Have you ever talked about it with them? Hopefully this new awareness about the troubled teen industry helps shit some of those place down!

thank you <3 i really wanna watch it but i made a plan to watch it with my roommate bc i think it’ll be really triggering to watch it alone. my parents hate hearing about islandview at all; every time i mention it, my mom gets upset and is like “i’m so sorry. we had no idea how bad it was. i wish i could go back and change things. i hate even hearing about it. can you try to just let it go and focus on the present?” it’s hard bc she immediately blames herself for it and just feels awful, whereas sometimes i just want to vent about it and be validated for how fucked up it was. islandview was/is spectacularly trained on how to brainwash the kids who went there and convinced the parents that anything the kids said about islandview was a way to manipulate the parents so they would take the kids out of there. it sucks bc it ultimately taught kids that their parents wouldn’t trust them, even if they were telling the truth, and the best option would be to just submit to iv’s regime. there was a really good article written from a parent’s perspective about their experience with iv: https://cafemom.com/parenting/troubled-teen-industry-island-view/heres-what-colleen-learned-at-iv-it-is-not-safe-to-ask-your-parents-for-help?fbclid=IwAR2oBxO-WiO4WYLXyiogdQanRdE4tv-T_zvbYfiTG3qzk3JXN0eD6j-P0sc. everything in that article was very accurate with my experience as well. i recently joined a facebook group for survivors of iv and that’s been super validating but also really upsetting in reading about other survivors’ experiences with this place and the fact that the majority of us have CPTSD from our experience there. i still get nightmares about iv and from what i’ve seen, that’s very common among other survivors too. it’s awful that a place that was supposed to help us heal only exacerbated the trauma in our lives. worst of all, it validated and worsened my shitty self esteem to the point where i fully believed that i was manipulative, attention seeking, and enjoyed playing the victim, that i was a bad person, etc etc. it’s hard to talk about, but it’s also comforting to finally get that validation after so many years of stuffing it down. it was an awful ten months.

[teamdoesminecraft]

I've noticed you really like your lore for MC/TC. Can I ask then, what's the timeline of events? I know when they were created, but like a short timeline, starting when how the world was made to present day, if that makes sense. Thanks!

Ohhh I haven’t thought about @crystalfloe ‘s and my Canon Minecraft Lore in a while, it’s been touched up quite a bit since my last lore post.... I’ll be basically rewriting it as I go !!TL;DR: Sage makes Steve who turns into Herobrine, Sage and his Devs make True/SSundee/Lox/Seto, Herobrine makes Bajan/Husky, Sage makes Jerome to kill Bajan, and Steve/Sage simoultaneously fuck up and make Sky as an overpowered child and nerf him together.-Long ago, the world was a seething mass of untamed code. Some of this code pulled itself together into sentience: an entity named Sage.-Sage began manipulating the code for the first time. He was the first Player to access creative mode. He created:A dimension (grass, stone)Simple mobs (pigs, cows)

-Sage wanted to share his creative-mode capabilities, and so made slightly more advanced mobs. Endermen were simple creatures, capable of basic neutrality and hostility, and could interact with the world by moving one block at a time.-Sage realized that these were not the Players he was trying to make, so he set out to make an actual Creative Mode Player.-Sage made Steve, who lived in the single dimension and was capable of building great things.-Steve wanted to create new mobs, much like Sage did. He created:Creeper (aw man)SpidersThe Ender Dragon-The Ender Dragon destroyed the single-dimension world, leaving it barren, broken into pieces, and yellowed out (the End).-Sage managed to trap the Dragon on a single island. Sage then banished Steve to a second dimension (the Overworld, which had a bedrock layer below it, separating it from the End), and made a new gamemode for him: Survival Mode.-Steve wanted to right his wrongs, and so began searching for a way to get back to the End.-Sage didn’t want Steve back, so continued implementing coding changes:Monsters (creepers, spiders) would appear at night to hunt Steve and hinder his progressZombies and Skeletons, that were only just Steve’s former bodies, to continue to push his progress farther back-Sage attempted to remove Steve’s coding from the game entirely when he got too close-Eventually, Steve was “deleted,” more or less-No he wasn’t. He was a “ghost” of code, able to still grasp some of his prior Creative Mode abilities; to prevent Sage from finding him, he made the third dimension, the Nether (between the Overworld and the End, covered on both sides by bedrock), where Sage would be unable to find him-Sage tried to make two Creative-Mode Players again: the Devs. He created Jeb and Dinnerbone.-The three of them began populating the Overworld, realizing the End was almost unsalvagable. (This is the point where our canons and AUs start splintering, so it might get a little messy)-Sage made TrueMU first. This was the start of most Players being Survival-Mode only: he had no Creative-Mode abilities. -True was more or less on Sage’s side for a while, until, after a series of deaths/respawns, he realized how little Sage cared. True left at this point to escape to the Farlands (an area of the Overworld the Devs hadn’t yet tamed).-A long period of time passed, during which many other Players were created. (for those Yogs fans, Xephos was made very early, and was a pseudo-dev, until he also ran away from Sage to go do strange experiments on his own).-Jeb made SSundee during this time (traumatic backstory tbd)-Dinnerbone started creating more hostile mobs to provide extra challenge to the Players. Jeb started creating more passive mobs to populate the world and make it more interesting for the Players.-Signs of Steve started appearing again, as a half-glitched ghost. To prevent people from siding with Steve, Sage created Villagers. Villagers firmly believe Sage is true and correct all the time, and spread this ‘doctrine.’ They also tell the tale of a murderous entity known only as Herobrine (a name Steve would later whole-heartedly adopt).-Villagers have no hands, so they can’t build or create and potentially turn against Sage. Instead, their arms are conjoined in front of them.

-Some Villagers don’t believe Sage is the best, and break away from society to either form patrols or live in large, communal mansions. These Illagers practice things normally Villagers aren’t supposed to; many of them break their arms into two separate pieces. They hold weapons, build mansions/monuments, and practice magic.-A Player named Seto, originally made by Jeb, somehow found himself subsumed into Illager culture. He was raised in a Woodland Mansion and learned various magic from an Evoker.-Herobrine saw all these players being created. He knew he couldn’t enter the Overworld without being hunted, so he decided to make a Player of his own: Bajan.*Note: Herobrine has made other Players besides Bajan (notably Hypixel and Honeydew)*Double Note: in almost every other set of Lore we have, Bajan was either made or adopted by Xephos (I have no idea why)-Bajan was designed to master combat and, ultimately, defeat the Ender Dragon. His dogtags read HB002, marking him as Herobrine’s second creation. -However, Sage discovered Bajan, and wiped his memories/mission statement to prevent him from reaching the End.-Sage created a “monstrous” Player to hunt Bajan down and prevent him from respawning: Jerome-Naturally, this failed spectacularly, and though they were designed to destroy one another, they’re now best friends. Due to their combatative natures, they enter tournaments like the Survival Games often.-Realizing this approach was flawed, Herobrine took a different approach. The Stronghold he had been building, with a half-finished portal to the End, was underwater. So HB created a Player who could guide people to the Stronghold: Husky. He wasn’t extraordinarily combatative, but it was his job to find Players who could be and bring them to the Stronghold.-Sage did not like this, so had Dinnerbone create the Guardians to deter players from deep-sea exploration.-Herobrine wanted to try something new: he wanted to make his own Dev.*Note: it’s been discussed (but not solidified) that “bad end” Yogscast members, like Israphel/Lalna, are HB’s Devs, created later.-Sage was also developing a new Dev at this time.-Herobrine waited until Sage wasn’t paying attention (all players must be created at the Overworld Spawn to prevent complications), and began interfering with the code.-Sage and Herobrine fought for a while over this new Dev. However, when fully-formed, this Dev went on an uncontrollable creative-mode rampage.-Sage and HB teamed up for the first and only time to stop this Dev. They gave him an amulet (made of endstone and blaze rod) to suppress his powers, and created the Hardcore gamemode just for him. They wiped his memory (they knew what happened if you tried to delete a Dev, as evidenced by Herobrine) and dumped the newly-named Sky in a village.*Note: in at least one AU, Sage made Alex, who was then “used” by HB. After a series of corruptions, Alex’s code was repurposed and turned into Sky ala reincarnation.*fun fact: Sky is the only Player who cannot access his inventory. he’s gotta carry everything with him. always-Around this time, Dinnerbone created Lox (traumatic backstory TBD).-The “Plot” begins when Sky’s amulet becomes separated from his body, and he inadvertently teleports himself and Lox out to the Farlands. They are immediately interrogated by True.-True, knowing how Sky works, decides to initiate the Quest (which he won’t tell them too much about). This Quest has them meeting the various other members of the Team, becoming closer, and just bein real good pals.-No we don’t know how it goes or how it ends-sometimes they kill the Ender Dragon and Sky just resets the entire world with his Dev powers because Sage has gone nuts? -we really genuinely have no idea and we wrote it

[georgie-barker]

Do Helen and Elias for the character thing?

Character Breakdown-Under the cut cause this might get long

Helen

How I feel about this character: I. Love. Helen. I think she is creepy and fun and morally spiralling (eyyy) but I love her funky voice and her dark sense of humor. Everytime she shows up something interesting is bound to happen. Also, she is a MILF 

All the people I ship romantically with this character: I don’t think I ship her romantically with anyone 

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Michael even though their meeting can never be. I dream about a world where the two of them terrorize the rest of the world with bad jokes, crazy weird hands, and doors that don’t belong. Melanie cause they got along well in the corridors even though that was never explored further. I like to think they have a healthy respect for each other. Helen shows up at Georgie’s flat and they have girls’ nights? A good possibility. Jon, less like a BROTP and more I just really want them to be friends. Their relationship is SO INTERESTING and detailed and she is a foil to his monstrousness and he’s a foil for her humanity and there’s SO MUCH to them and I want to explore them more. Honestly, their relationship is probably the most interesting thing about season four to me.

My unpopular opinion about this character: She was just trying to help Jon in her own way. She thinks he would be better off just giving in because that’s what helped her and she’s been trying to help someone who helped her once the only way she knows how. Also I really do see Helen in a way more sympathetic light than others may just because she was a victim to this awful fear and she is dealing with it the best way she knows how! And sometimes that involves eating people.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: Hmmm I don’t know if I have a hope for what happens with Helen other than, I hope she has good time. I guess I hope Jon and Helen talk again and maybe figure themselves out but that’s a tall order so I hope she enjoys the eye-pocalypse

Elias

How I feel about this character: Ah, this horrible man. I love a good, manipulative, smooth voiced villain so I have basically been gleefully cackling over this man every time he reveals another step in his evil 2,000 step plan since season two. I am so excited to watch him fail spectacularly.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: No one really. Elias doesn’t have time for romance.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Peter; a very classic mutual enemies to begruding allies that would immediately backstab each other is always a fun relationship to explore and I like the implication that Elias has been pulling the wool over Lonely avatars eyes for years. Robert Smirke; they were friends for a long time and worked together  so they were definitely close even though Elias eventually gave that up to be a part of the Eye. Annabelle Cain; Elias has too much manipulation energy to not be somewhat cozy with the Web Avatar. They probably swap weird coded messages with each other and keep an eye out for each other’s plots.

My unpopular opinion about this character: He’s allowed to be a silver fox because do you think Elias would not treat his host bodies well? He’s in this for the long run and he’s gonna take some tips on moisturizing from the Stranger in order to prolong his mileage with his latest body

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.:I want to hear Elias’ real statement. I still hold the opinion that his written statement to Jon was true but not the whole truth so I’m looking forward to getting some real Elias information before the finale

[recentanimenews]

Bookshelf Briefs 5/28/20

Dr. STONE, Vol. 11 | By Riichiro Inagaki and Boichi | Viz Media – Balloons! Yes, Dr. STONE is taking it upon itself to do something it does best, which is show off the gorgeous vistas of this not-really-that-explored future Japan it takes place in. And that means hot air balloons. It also means speedboats! But alas, just because Senku is a scientist does not mean he can cook. So they use some of the last remaining fluid to un-stone a butler-cum-chef-cum-everything, Francois, who is flamboyant and also a lot of fun. There’s actually some really good humor in this volume as well, be it the reporter getting her camera and its undercutting right afterwards, or Senku’s Einstein impersonation. This remains one of the essential Jump titles. – Sean Gaffney

Dungeon Builder: The Demon King’s Labyrinth Is a Modern City!, Vol. 2 | By Rui Tsukiyo and Hideaki Yoshikawa | Seven Seas – After wrapping up the cliffhanger from the first volume (he names his first monster girl, which gives her the power-up (and bust expansion) she needs to win), the cast gets down to the nitty-gritty of what he wants to do: build a city, not a dungeon, which feeds on positive emotions. Of course, there are a few problems. Location, labor costs, the neighboring demon lords, and of course Marcho’s impending death, which she seems to have accepted more than Procel has. This remains sort of mid-tier manga—not interesting enough to stand out, but the pages turn easily, and you could do worse. Also, brilliant pun for the back-cover blurb. – Sean Gaffney

Éclair Blanche: A Girls’ Love Anthology That Resonates in Your Heart | By Various Artists | Yen Press – The second of the Éclair anthologies to come out over here, this one seems to focus more attention on love that is already in bloom when the story begins than love that we see the start of. There’s a nice mix of funny, heartwarming, sad, and generally melancholic. Some highlights are “Azalea Corner,” about a minion’s crush on the arrogant ojou she follows; “The Unemployed Woman and the High School Girl,” which should be awful but is by Canno so is cute instead; and “That Summer Won’t Come Again,” about a girl trapped in her sister’s past who bonds with a senpai and learns to swim again. There’s good and not-so-good here, but overall well worth buying. – Sean Gaffney

Éclair Blanche: A Girls’ Love Anthology That Resonates in Your Heart | By Various Artists | Yen Press – This is the second Éclair anthology, but aside from two continuations, all the stories here are new. The quality varies, and it seems the better stories are in the front. The first story, Fly’s “Flowers in a Storm,” sets the tone for bittersweet, ambiguous endings with the tale of a first kiss that comes too late. There are also several stories about unrequited love for a friend who loves someone else, be it another girl, an idol, or a guy. Kabocha’s “Though Summer Won’t Come Again” is a standout, about a girl who assumes the senpai she’s developed feelings for prefers her older sister, as everyone else seems to. Unfortunately, I found the stories toward the end of the volume to be less enjoyable, particularly the final one, which includes the most awkward teacher-student embrace I have ever seen. Still, I will read the next installment when it comes out! – Michelle Smith

I Didn’t Mean to Fall in Love | By Minta Suzumaru | Futekiya (digital only) – Yoshino Kiritani is a beautiful 30-year-old salaryman who happens to be both gay and a virgin. With no relationship prospects on the horizon and wanting to finally have sex, he goes to a gay bar, meets a charismatic college student named Rou, and sleeps with him. The back-and-forth that follows between these two guys is so well done. Rou is a notorious playboy with a hot-and-cold routine he has employed many times to manipulate his conquests into falling for him and confessing their feelings. He tries this on Yoshino, even though he’s actually serious about him, but it doesn’t work. Self-effacing Yoshino genuinely thinks Rou wants nothing more to do with him, forcing Rou to face the seriously scary prospect of rejection by declaring his feelings first. There are a few explicit scenes, but they serve the characters and story well. Highly recommended! – Michelle Smith

Love Me, Love Me Not, Vol. 2 | By Io Sakisaka | Viz Media – First of all, a word of advice to the author: don’t sink people’s ships in your author’s notes, OK? Secondly, this continues to have the strengths of Io Sakisaka titles—it gets teenage love in a good way, has characters who are likeable but clearly flawed, shows gradual character growth, and has clean, easy-to-follow art. She’s still trying to balance out the idealistic girl with the realistic girl, though it may be leaning towards the former. Sadly, it also contains what’s always been one of this author’s big weaknesses to me—I like her series but never love them. Each volume is fun to read and I’d call it good, but it’s never going to be tops in my favorite shoujo manga lists. It’s not life-changing the way a Yona of the Dawn is. – Sean Gaffney

Ping Pong, Vol. 1 | By Taiyo Matsumoto | Viz Media – Ever since Matsumoto was a guest at TCAF in 2013 and spoke in depth about the series, its development, and how it fit into his overall career, I’ve been desperately wanting to read Ping Pong in English. When the excellent anime adaptation came and went soon after and the original manga still hadn’t been licensed, I didn’t expect that we’d ever see it translated. But it is actually here! The first of two beautifully designed omnibus volumes. And I am absolutely in love with Matsumoto’s Ping Pong. Ostensibly a high school sports manga, Ping Pong spends very little time explaining the ins and outs of the game even though table tennis is essentially omnipresent; instead, the series devotes its attention almost entirely to the characters themselves. With strong psychological elements, in part the work’s themes explore talent, motivation, and self-determination, all supported by Matsumoto’s distinctive and spectacularly dynamic and expressive artwork. – Ash Brown

Prince Freya, Vol. 1 | By Keiko Ishihara | VIZ Media – The land of Tyr is threatened by Sigurd, the empire to the north. Our “wimpy and weak” heroine, Freya, happens to be the spitting image of Prince Edvard, who’s just been poisoned by Sigurd, and so takes on the role of impersonating him to protect her country. Alas, Freya’s performance as Edvard (and characterization in general) is inconsistent and in a way that doesn’t seem intentional on the mangaka’s part. Sometimes she boldly and capably takes action, sometimes she just cries. In my notes I wrote, “This ain’t no Basara,” prompted by a panel in which Freya is making an extremely insipid face because of something sappy her love interest has just said, but then something super dramatic and unexpected occurs and… well, now I’m cautiously on board. It may turn out to be fluffier than I would like, but I will at least give it a couple more volumes. – Michelle Smith

The Quintessential Quintuplets, Vol. 9 | By Negi Haruba | Kodansha Comics – There’s less swapping in this one, but the one time there is a swap it blows the reader out of the water. I suspect Ichika’s popularity took a nosedive after this volume, as her ideal of “all’s fair in love and war” is taken to a somewhat cruel conclusion. She’s not even the thirstiest of the quints, as both Nino and Miku are trying to make their feelings for Futaro as clear to him as possible. Meanwhile, Yotsuba is trying the opposite tactic, saying that she’ll support whichever sister that isn’t her he picks, showing off a core of self-deprecation that we’ve seen before, but never to this level. And then there’s Itsuki, who seems to have forgotten she was supposed to be first girl. Great harem antics. – Sean Gaffney

Sacrificial Princess and the King of Beasts, Vol. 9 | By Yu Tomofuji | Yen Press – I missed reviewing the eighth volume of this, for some reason; I’m not sure why. It continues to be quietly sweet, with a heroine who perhaps leans a little too much towards “can save everyone by the sheer power of being really nice.” That said, nice can only go so far, and when she discovers a country that’s being blackmailed into slavery, nice becomes determined and fierce. There’s also some tortured romance at the start—the king’s chief bodyguard and the princess’s attendant clearly are headed towards each other, but there are a few steps back here before we can move forward once more. I admit that I’d likely enjoy this more without its central conceit of animal people, but oh well. – Sean Gaffney

Snow White with the Red Hair, Vol. 7 | By Sorata Akiduki | Viz Media – I admit I was a bit more surprised than Shirayuki was at the identity of the leader of the Lions of the Mountain. That said, it does remind us that Shirayuki is another one of those great “shoujo heroines who underreacts to everything,” which can be quite amusing when done right. That said, this volume is when the series transitioned from the quarterly DX to the main LaLa magazine, and as such much of the middle part is taken up with introducing new readers to the main cast and the situation. This includes an amusing “personality reversal” chapter where Mitsuhide starts acting like a chivalrous knight. the book ends with the implication that their love is going public. How will that go? Great shoujo. – Sean Gaffney

Wandering Witch: The Journey of Elaina, Vol. 1 | By Jougi Shiraishi, Itsuki Nanao, and Azure | Square Enix – This is a manga adaptation of the first fourth or so of the light novel, and it’s a very good adaptation. I will admit that Elaina is a lot more expressive than I was expecting… her delivery in the novels is somewhat cool… but it makes sense given the manga’s visual medium, and she’s cute. This volume shows off what we’re going to get from now on: some cute fluffy stories, some melancholic stories with deaths, some stories of Elaina having to extricate herself from a situation, and some backstory showing how she came to be wandering. The final story was one of my favorites in the book, and it’s the best one here too. A nice adaptation. – Sean Gaffney

By: Ash Brown

[dragcnburned]

.intro

Intro under the read more! Like this post and I’ll come plot with you.

Hold! Who goes there? Why, is that [Kirian Solgard] the [Dragonrider] of [Loqoala]? They do look [guarded] for a [man] of [33] years. Don’t they call [him] the [passionate and caring empath]? I’ve heard he’s also the [self-destructive and reckless Dragonburned] though. Don’t take my word for it but they do look an awful lot like [Ben Barnes].

Basic info

Name: Kirian Solgard

Pronunciation: kee-ree-yahn sol-guard [ki:riːjæn sɒl’gɑːd]

Title: dragonrider

Age:33

Place of Origin: Loqoala

Family Members: Mother, father, a brother and a sister

Physical Description

Height: 1m85

Hair Color: black

Eye Color: black 

Gender: cis male

Build: lean, slender

Distinguishing features? (Scars, tattoos, piercings): From his right jawline, down his neck and his shoulder/upper arm, a burn scar creeps down all the th

Any health related issues?: suffers from ptsd and depression, causing insomnia, and has trouble completely lifting his right arm.

Personality

Kirian is a man whose reputation precedes him. A man who’s decided he may as well live up to it. There is a reckless, intimidating yet oddly innocent charm about him, the kind of cheerfulness only a man with nothing to lose can feel. But don’t let his smiles fool you -- he wears the like armor, just like the scars that mar his skin. Just like the words the townsfolk would throw at him. Intense, determined and passionate, Kirian is not as adept at fading into the shadows as a wanted man would wish. Despite all this, it seems people can spend many hours around him and still not know anything. Kirian has learned to entertain people with his gruesome existence for a while -- but don’t dig any deeper, you’ll just find a locked door. 

History

i. Dragonrider

Kirian was born to a family of simple, honest, hard-working longshoremen. Lost in the drab underbelly of the Loqoalan society, there wasn’t much in unique trade or secrets they could offer. So they just worked, day in, day out. They were hard people and the days blurred into nights of working. So many things to do, so few things to feel.

Except for Kirian.

Kirian was always an easily distracted boy. He would be fascinated by the spider crawling through the spiderweb, instead of ripping it away to lift a box. He would smile and talk and flirt with the men and women of the ships, instead of just keeping his head down and doing his job. He would have all these thoughts, all these emotions. He was just so much all the time and his parents had little patience for his antics, although they loved him as best as they could.

But he had a talent for keeping animals calm -- lambs to be led to the slaughter, wild horses bucking after days on a ship, even the exotic birds for the lords trying to break free. An odd talent, but it earned them some status, so they let him be. Loved and useful, Kirian’s talent grew, until one day the the unthinkable happened: social, cheerful and empathic, Kirian earned himself the grace of the lord’s house and was chosen as an apprentice to the dragonriders.

As a Dragonrider, Kirian proved himself spectacularly talented, even as he was still the wildcard many had trouble fitting into a safe category. He feels too much, they whispered behind his back, he is not fit to be a dragonrider. 

But if you are as powerful as Kirian proved himself to be, such things become obsolete. So he gained favor and his family did as well.

Powerful, loved and with a bright future ahead -- what more could a boy want?

ii. Dragonburned

A purpose. A mission. Rumours of terrible things had reached the ears of the dragonriders, rumors that with the use of forbidden blood magic, elves had been enslaving dragons to their will. Kiran was chosen for the mission, along with a few select others: the greatest honor of their lives. A mission of utmost importance was planned: to free the dragons.

Or so they had Kirian believe.

The ritual to break the bond was gruesome and draining, but it succeeded. But it didn’t stop there. The reality of war had started to dawn on the Loqualan officers and the powers a dragon could bring in that fight was just too important. Besides, they argued as the dragon riders showed reluctance, isn’t this what they’ve always been doing? This was just a different way to get to the same result. Just faster, just a small sacrifice in the name of good, in the name of safety.

Trusting in the words of their superiors, the dragonriders reluctantly accepted.There was a war coming and this was not the time to be weak. This was not the time to doubt the people that had given them so much.

Even Kirian. Despite his protest, his reluctance, even Kirian didn’t want to fight back too much, didn’t want to let down the people who had taken such care of him. His whole life they had told him he felt too much, felt all the wrong things at the wrong times, that his heart screamed so much louder than his head. He wanted so much to prove them wrong, but all he did was prove them right that day.

As the dragon, forcefully bonded, felt Kirian’s insecurity, hurt, betrayal and even rage fill their own heart, it took to the sky, raining down fire and ashes upon the dragonriders, stopping at nothing as the forest burned and burned and burned.

It was only through his friendship with a present military officer that Kirian could take enough control to break the empathic bond between him and the dragon, stilling the blood magic in his veins. In anger and fear, the dragon turned on Kirian, burning his armor and leaving deep claw marks over his chest and arm, nearly piercing his heart. Before the dragon killed him however, they seemed to change their mind and left.

Knowing that he could never explain what had happened without also taking down the family he had come to love so much, Kirian disappeared from Loquala, from everything he had ever know. Tales of the tragedy spread, earning him the nominker The Dragonburned.

Additional Info and plots!

Honestly, I prefer to plot by just looking what kind of development our muses need, so if there is anything at all you think a character like Kirian could set in motion, please let me know. I’m not afraid to let Kirian make mistakes or have him be the “bad guy”, so even if the plot is a little darker, I’m absolutely here for it!

Kirian is trying to atone and recover from some really fucked up shit that happened to him, so either plots dealing with him recovering, or having to deal with consequences of what happened, or people trying to take advantage of his unstable emotions could all work. I could definitely see Kirian being manipulated in doing some terrible things again if people go about it the right way, on honestly any side of this conflict.

I love plots to go somewhere, that deal with characters growing and facing who they are and what they’ve done. So honestly, I’m open for anything!

I know that sometimes you need a starting point though, so here are some extra ideas and wanted connections

.keep you safe: You’ve listen to enough stories to know who Kirian is when he stumbles across you. You’re also in desperate need of protection and it seems no one else is willing to lend you a hand, so maybe for now you can strike a deal.

THE VULTURES SWARM MY BONES. You’ve heard the rumors about Kirian and are interested in learning more -- to have a great story, or for political gain, either way Kirian seems like a person of interest to you.

BLOOD MOON: You don’t have much, least of all power. And while everything is telling you Kirian is dangerous, at least he’s more than you are now. Why not see where it goes, have a chance at adventure?

and then the universe was still: someone trained in the low, ritualistic art of healing. After Kirian was forced into using blood magic, his own magic has progressively gotten worse. It gets stronger, but in the wrong way. Where he once healed, he can now only induce pain. Where he once felt emotions, he can now twist them into something grotesque. Ashamed and afraid of these powers and suffering through them, Kirian is looking for a mentor who could undo the damage to his magical abilities. Someone who can bring some peace to his screaming mind.

the devil screams through your mouth: you are the dragon Kirian freed, only to force a bond upon you again. The pain and terror of your forceful empathic bond was so agonizing, you acted on base instinct and under control, left nothing but death, chaos and fire in your way. While you are forever grateful Kirian let you go in the end and the bonding process left something between you, you can’t forgive or forget the way everything started.

old men, filled with regret: you knew Kirian when he was a young man, full of life and love and seemingly always smiling. Whether you find it hard to believe he did what they say he did, or whether his downfall was your rise in the ranks, seeing him again will surely be meaningful.

not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you: when fire swallowed your village whole, when ash clung to your eyelashes, you crawled on your belly to get out. You are (one of?) the only survivor of the village that Kirian destroyed. What will you do when you finally find him?

[natsunoomoi]

Still thinking about that ending

It’s been weeks and I am shocked by how much it weighs on my mind. I’ve literally rewatched scenes several times, played things over, Googled other people’s interpretations, read Through His Eyes twice, done image searches, and a bunch of things. I just keep thinking about his story and also relating it to other villains in the franchise and even apocalyptic doomsday plot lines in other series.

I’ve just found Emet-Selch/Hades to be extremely compelling. I still don’t agree with his perspective in thinking shard people are lesser, but I can understand how he got to that conclusion. I don’t agree with his solution, but I can understand how he came to choose it and how he can continue to stick to it. I can empathize greatly with his outburst against Alphinaud questioning how he can view their two positions as equal as its also flat out a normal response to grief and loss.

There’s just a number of things....But like, he isn’t wrong about the frailty and weaknesses of people. We see that everyday in how our species can be so involved in greed and vice and hedonism for the sake of selfishness. That stuff is true and not wrong, and sometimes those things make me wonder whether or not the death of us all due to not being able to stop climate change is deserving. But at the same time, thinking only of those things also ignores all of the beautiful things our species is able to create. Our fragility and ephemeral natures are what make our life special and urge us to create beautiful art and appreciate life. We also have an incredible capacity to care for others and to surpass expectations with sheer will if we want to, but as they say in Spider-Man, with great power comes great responsibility and it is unfortunate that some people wield what power they have irresponsibly to the point that the rest of us can’t have nice things.

And like that point he makes is also expressed in X/1999 as well through the Dragons of Earth. That’s another influential work on me and I actually totally root for the Dragons of Heaven, but I also like a number of the members of the Dragons of Earth and I don’t find them to be wrong either. The earth in that story will either way be reborn, but the point of contention is whether or not humans will be included in it. The Dragons of Earth fight for a rebirth without humans entirely while the Dragons of Heaven fight so that humans can be given a second chance to take better care of their home. The ironic thing is that the Dragons of Earth also include essentially a lab experiment created through genetic and bio-engineering science that was once a little girl that was terminally ill, and the other a technopath that can talk with machines. Both things represent the innovations of mankind, but also mankinds step into taboo territory of science where they do science for science’s sake with moral ambiguity and don’t stop to think if they should do something. They are examples of humans playing god and the lines between what is a life and what isn’t becoming blurry. To that end, Satsuki the technopath, asks one question of Yuzuriha about the position of the Dragons of Heaven about why humans are deserving to be included in the rebirth. It’s so poignant because the Dragons of Earth are themselves humans and her powers as well as Nataku’s exist because of human innovation. Yuzuriha isn’t able to answer at all though and so Satsuki kills her guardian dog. But Satsuki isn’t really being evil, she just wanted Yuzuriha to think and answer and there’s all kinds of answers and she really just wanted to know why it’s okay to prioritize human life above all others. It’s a fair question giving what they are fighting for but not one she really cared for an answer to. She just wanted Yuzuriha to actually think about her position rather than just take for granted that her side is saving people. But I think it’s true too because why is it okay to kill animals, but not people? I’m not a vegetarian, but even outside the food industry often our businesses and way of life displace animals in favor of space for us. I admit I do so too in terms of how I kill spiders and bugs that enter my home, but they are just doing them. Plus when a lot of Westerners think of solar panels they only think of “empty space” as in no humans live there, but actually there’s no space on the planet that is truly actually unoccupied as there may be a local ecosystem there that you just don’t see. But if people make that comment, they obviously are only considering people and not the animals. And oil companies go to places for oil because human life requires the use of oil and it is in demand because of how we live, but oil rigs even in the ocean cause a risk to marine life not just from spills but from the mere presence of a foreign object sitting in the middle of the damn ocean. On the daily we prioritize human convenience and life over the lives of the plants and animals around us. I realize this at the same time knowing I am guilty of it too just as everyone else living in a city. I wouldn’t give up doing it either because I find this way of living in an apartment with electricity comfortable, but if I have to think overall for the good of the planet if I deserve to live this way more than the plants and animals that had to sacrifice to give me this space, I have doubts. While I do this to not live like a total hermit recluse and my comforts and entertainment and way of life are fundamentally unnatural, I know somewhere along the line there is a cost. I am unable to compel myself to give it up completely and I suspect most humans would too, so I wonder sincerely if it would be better if humans didn’t exist.

And to be fair, the Dragons of Earth would also question whether or not the Ascians even deserved to exist either. If we’re applying their logic to XIV as well. It’s not like they would take Emet-Selch’s side. I would like to be optimistic about Amaurotine life and think they are better than us without malice, but I can’t be sure. He’s also tempered so you can’t really tell how much truth he told. But I really think the Dragons would wonder if any humans even godlike humans like them even deserved to have so much creation power if it could go haywire in a moment of anxiety, and if they viewed themselves with a superiority complex. The idea for the Dragons is that humans are incapable of coexisting just as the Ascians seem to be incapable of coexisting with the shard planets.

I also just can’t imagine his burden. Like the Scions we play us chose to take up the mantle and fight for the betterment of their lives and other people. They self-started themselves into their situation. Emet-Selch was elected. He was chosen by his people to be a leader and to save them. He was bestowed the responsibility as a representative of them. While I don’t agree with his methods and I can’t imagine that if he did resurrect his people and home that all of them would be all that happy about what he did to do it, I can imagine that is an immense pressure to have to bear and the feeling of failure of being unable to do it or even if he was the one who designed the plan and it failed spectacularly or didn’t go how he expected on top of any possible manipulation he may be experiencing from Zodiark itself. I think perhaps at the time panicked citizens gathered outside the meeting place of the Convocation and clamored for salvation and express their faith in them to please save them. He was respected as one of the most brilliant of them and it seemed their faith in him was quite strong for them to elect him. Imagining the perspective of someone in the position of leader while all hell is breaking loose, I can imagine how that scene can compel a person to fulfill a promise at all costs even if it starts to become murder-y and crazy. Like he probably has imprinted on his mind all of the people down to the smallest child looking up at him and depending on him to help them to continue to live. And it’s just, I don’t know how you forget that even if they all die. It probably haunts you in your sleep, and forces you to re-promise every night to save them. And bear in mind, I still think he’s wrong because the dead are dead. The gone and sacrificed are just gone, but those memories must be there and could be just enough to keep him sticking to his plan. Plus in his grief he recreated his home. He had a point in doing it too, but he did it in such incredible detail. It’s likely there’s bias in it, and I find it amazing that there is an operable store that will actually sell you goods (from a game development perspective it totally makes sense to have something there for the player to get supplies, but seriously from a narrative perspective having an operable store in a town of shades where no one will actually buy anything is depressing af), it’s depressing to know his level of grief to know that he chose to hang out there.

There’s just so many layers too it, I just sit in awe thinking about it.

And then of course, there’s just that he tried. He built up two fascist empires in Allag and Garlemalde for sure, but along the way he had moments where he tried. The Through His Eyes story is just heartbreaking at the end where he talks about his son and where he had hope that maybe the shard people would be okay, but then had all of his hopes dashed when his son died prematurely. Like I can imagine everything going fine with him and he’s going through the motions and doing his plan, but he actually gets emotionally struck by this little baby and watched him grow into a young man. But despite all of his advantages and privilege he dies to an illness reminding him that shard people aren’t all that hearty. He must have experienced similar time and time again as he chose to live among the people. Like the story even talks about how he had concerns of political enemies and even allies that eventually stabbed him in the back as he rose to power as Solus, and I can understand how that can make someone a bit jaded in general, and I mean anyone can get jaded if the people around them that helped to give them their support are all douchebags waiting for their time. Part of it is who you surround yourself with, but I mean, in a political arena where you rise to power to run a country like that, you have a lot of people vying for the same thing so you run into a lot of characters like that. Often, the nice people who don’t pull that shit don’t even bother to take positions like that. Power corrupts absolutely, and let’s even say that outside of him trying to do the Rejoining thing so that he can have his home back he also tried and dabbled in being a decent person as he rose up. Possible considering he funded a theatre troupe and sponsored the arts. He could have tried to be a decent ruler at the same time as trying to bring the end of the world, and maybe in those times where he was trying to be decent he thought about maybe not following through only to have a trusted aid or someone stab him in the back with some kind of political intrigue. It’s possible there was some actual goal-post shifting in his desire to search for hope among the people, but also it’s hard to not be horribly disappointed by people when they do that to you. Like I’m melodramatic sometimes and when something goes wrong, I just say “Ugh, I hate everyone,” but if he experienced that for real, there’s a reasonable amount of expectation that he might feel like shard humans are a waste of space.

And well, his grief. Like he gets really upset when Alphinaud tries to point out that their goals are essentially the same where they are trying to save their respective people and treat the situations like they are equal and he gets upset and says that they are not. He doubles down on the shard people being lesser because they are fragments, which I think is wrong, but I think also Alphinaud is wrong for thinking he can completely understand how Emet-Selch feels. This here is a lesson in grief in general. When you lose something, particularly people you care about, there’s bereavement. You feel like there’s a hole inside you. I felt this when my Dad died. It hurts so much and it’s completely unforgettable. It gets easier to live with because after awhile you just get tired of crying and wallowing in depression and it gets easier to cope with, but the mistake a lot of people make when something bad happens to others is they can say the words, “I know how you feel” when they are trying to give sympathy. I understand it’s the thought that counts and they are trying to say that they understand that you are sad, but sometimes people get angry when they hear that because actually there is no possible way for any other human being on the planet to actually *know* how you feel. Other people may have been able to experience loss and understand loss because they have loss too or have people they also want to protect as is in the case in this game, but every person’s experience is also different. Like I loved and still love my Dad, but part of the horror after his death was finding out from all of his friends and our extended family that he was a different person to everyone. It makes sense that he is because we all had different interactions with him, but when he died I felt like I didn’t know who he was because I learned so many things about him after he died from different people that I just felt lost and felt like I didn’t really know him even though I was his daughter. I had so many questions left and a part of myself and my dreams died with him. As an aside, this is probably especially moving for me at this time of year as the last Christmas he was alive I opted to stay in LA because I had to work and it would be difficult for me to go home for the holidays because I couldn’t get enough time off. Then between Christmas and New Year’s he had a heart attack and was in the hospital for a month and eventually died at the start of February the next year. And like, other people have experienced their father dying, but no one else had to experience the regret of choosing not to go home for what would turn out to be his last Christmas. That was my choice and my experience of his death. No one else made that choice. No one else had to experience coming as soon as I could for New Year’s to visit him in the hospital and just think he was going to be okay only for him to not be able to recover and then die after a surgery. My other family members were there and watched it happen for sure, but they experienced it in their own ways that was separate from mine as I had to go back to work. My sister was even still in school and didn’t talk to the doctors directly while I did, so I fundamentally have different memories and experiences of that time, and even feel slightly different about the whole thing because of that and because of my specific relationship with my Dad. So my grief is incomparable to literally anyone else in the world. I try not to be a dick to people who mean well and try to sympathize or even empathize with me with their own experience, but I totally understand the position of people who do when it happens to them because there is literally no possible way any other person in the world could possibly get it and understand how you feel. I am crushed and heartbroken over that still even though I’ve since healthily moved on with my life, but it still makes me sad and it’s nothing in comparison to losing way more people who may be more or less precious than that, your entire home, and having the weight of the responsibility of being the one person that was in charge of that. I wasn’t really in charge of my Dad’s affairs. My Uncle took the lead on that so I fortunately didn’t have to worry about a lot or do any daily check-ins with the doctors, but my sister and I both had the privilege to decide when we wanted to take him off life support. So I dunno, I can kind of imagine the weight of responsibility, but also completely understand that my situation is nothing in comparison to the weight this character must have felt. It’s not only not quite comparable on the in-game kind of racist basis of shard people vs full Amaurotines, but not comparable in terms of the actual grief or responsibility.

For me especially, knowing all that, there’s so much compelling about the character and so much I want to say to him that the game won’t let me. Even to kind of scold Alphinaud a little too for being a bit to presumptuous.

Grief though is....a terrible partner. It can linger with you for some time, and there’s so many clues to it in Emet-Selch’s behavior. A lot of people point to his slouching, and I noticed the peculiar shape of his eyebrows. No matter what his visage or expression his eyebrows are in perma-grief/sorrow position. That furrowed look a person has when they are sad. But even more than that, in re-watching his scenes I noticed how much he likes talking about sleeping and taking naps and how fond he is of passing the time that way. It didn’t hit me until I re-watched them and a lot of the fandom writes it off as laziness, but no, that is grief. That is depression and mourning. That was how I spent a good chunk of the first year. Sure I went to work and went through the motions of life, but I enjoyed sleep so much. It passed the time and meant less time and opportunity for my brain to think about how my Dad was gone. In my dreams and sleep too I would dream of him. Like I’d dream of being in the passenger seat of his car and we’re just driving somewhere. In real life sometimes it was nowhere in particular. Like a couple of times he’d just take us cruising and go somewhere and like his 2nd or 3rd car he had that I remember before he totaled it, there was a turbo in the car and he’d make us laugh by using it on off-ramp turns when we’re getting off the freeway. And when I sat in the front seat, I’d have my hand to my side and at the lights and times when he didn’t need his hand on the stick, he’d hold my hand and rub the back. When he died I escaped my reality by dwelling a lot of my free time in sleep and naps so I wouldn’t have to face the reality that he was actually gone. There’s no time limit though on grief and bereavement, and I had it so bad for one person that I was particularly close to for quite a long time. I can’t imagine how I would be myself to lose everything. The first year for me was the worst, but I think I was severely affected for at least 3-5 years. I slept so much. I never erased his number from my phone’s SIM card either. I was scared to. His number was surely given away to another person, but I had to get my phone stolen before I finally lost it. After the funeral, I didn’t even unpack my bag from the trip. My duffel just sat there in the middle of the room for at least a month because I didn’t want to open it and have to face that I went to a funeral.

On top of that, I have anxiety from trauma and different childhood stuff and other kinds of insecurities, and more recently PTSD from the trauma of harassment, but I’m in a healthier place now. I’m a lot more balanced and happy and I’m okay. When I wasn’t though I wasn’t a good person. I still tried to be a good person, but there were a lot of times where I was selfish or crazy now that I look back on it, and it’s just when you are grieving or even in the middle of your mental health battles it is so hard to keep everything straight and to not be awful. It doesn’t excuse my behavior, and it doesn’t excuse Emet-Selch’s either, but I can also see he’s being a dick because he’s suffering and probably not entirely in his right mind from grief on top of being tempered to Zodiark. Grief makes you fucking crazy. I just can’t even begin to imagine the little neurotic things that he must have started doing to cope even though I know all the little stupid things I did to try to get through it. I cried every time I saw a reminder of my Dad too, but like he can also see souls and sees reminders all the time. You get numb to it after awhile, but I can just imagine that is some kind of hell.

So just all of that together, after all those end-game scenes I just came to love the character so much. I just can’t hate him.

And then I was like looking up character rankings and other people’s interpretations and love for him. He’s not included yet in any official rankings, but a number of people who have played several FFs have found him to be one of their favorites of the entire franchise. Man, I think he deserves it though.

A lot of people compare him to Ardyn though, and I understand Ardyn’s story too and I see him as sympathetic, but XV wasn’t really executed well so I wasn’t able to really experience sympathy for him as I should have. Like logically I understand, but I don’t really feel it and I found him so much more annoying during the time I did see him that I just can’t really feel for him. It’s more an execution level problem.

Then I was reading a bunch of people commenting on Kuja from IX and I understand Kuja too, but at the same time still don’t feel it. Like I can’t connect why having a shorter life or anything would still compel someone to be murder-y. Like I feel bad for him still, but I also think like he could have just as well rebelled by being a complete foil and saving everyone instead of doing his intended mission of destruction. Plus like IX wasn’t as good as I hoped.

And then like, to this day I still don’t really understand Kefka’s appeal. Like a lot of people like him because he’s crazy? So people like him because he’s like the Joker, but I find even the Joker to be more interesting than Kefka and Kefka gives me the creeps because I hate clowns. For some reason I’m okay with the Joker, but I hate all other clowns. I played through all of VI and I just don’t get why people think he’s good because he’s just evil for evil’s sake and weird.

Sephiroth I like, but also partly my sister is a Sephiroth worshipper, but I have sympathy for him too. Like a lot of criticism of him is that he want on a tantrum, and yeah that wasn’t the shining moment, but of all of the franchise’s villains Sephiroth is the only one who I would consider letting him win. The reason for that relates to the aforementioned Dragons of Earth philosophy because he was created through humans meddling with science they shouldn’t have been screwing with and human experimentation. I know not all humans committed the crime against him and did that to him, but I don’t really have an argument for why a species with asshole scientists shouldn’t die either. I understand regular people weren’t responsible for that and ShinRa is a garbage company that is slightly better now under Rufus and everyone working together against Sephiroth, but like from Sephiroth’s perspective he is actually different and not human. Humans lab created him and fucked him over and he didn’t ask to be created or their experiment, and I don’t know. I don’t really think I’d know how I’d react if I found out my entire existence was a lie and found out I was being used. There’s no way anyone else could imagine that because all of us have the safety of knowing our own reality and identity. He was definitely mistaken for thinking himself a Cetra and there is some question as to whether he is in control or if Jenova is in control of his mind, but I don’t have a defense-able excuse for what happened to him either. So I can kind of understand what he wants to do, and I’m okay with it same as how I’d be okay if all of us died from global warming because of what our species has collectively done to the planet. Like I can do my part and maybe I’m a good person and worthy of living and I might do my best with what limited power I can, but collectively as humans we are a trash species that is selfish. The same as how I can’t excuse the greedy CEOs and stuff that had an actual hand in leading us to possible doom even though I didn’t directly cause it as a normal person I think it’s okay if all of us humans didn’t survive, I am okay with Sephiroth killing all the people on his planet because of the stuff the jerk scientists did to him. It’s kind of like Good Place logic where it’s actually impossible to be a good person because there’s unknown side effects to industries where a company cuts corners somewhere and ends up exploiting some other person or destroying something else. It’s just impossible. 

I still think real life humans should be responsible with nature as much as they can, but there’s something about our species’ innate laziness where we stick to the latest fad solution without thinking about how actually energy solutions are complicated and won’t work for every situation but there’s some meme on Facebook talking about how this one latest thing is the best thing since sliced bread and we should all switch to it immediately. Like, no. There isn’t one magical solution. The annoying thing for me isn’t that people are trying. It’s good that they are trying to be better and to find alternate solutions, but it really pisses me off when I see the latest meme conservation or eco-friendly thing that suggests a 100% switch to this thing or that is the answer to all of our woes. It’s not. Like one thing I saw was a thing that suggested we switch to all hemp fabric because of the cost of water that raising cotton. Like fair, cotton uses a lot of water, but like if you think that everyone is going to be able to switch to hemp you are a fucking idiot. Cotton is popular for a reason because it is soft and comfortable whereas hemp is a more harsh material and is more prone to causing skin irritation and allergies in people which is why it’s less popular. Should some brands consider switching to hemp if it is not a huge deal for them to be that soft? Absolutely. Should we find ways for us to reduce our reliance and usage of cotton? Of course. But all switch to hemp instead of cotton completely? No. That’s ridiculous, stupid, and completely illogical. Plus it only causes new kinds of industries and opportunities for exploitation because remember these plants can’t just grow anywhere. Plants all have optimal locations for them to survive. Then like energy solutions like solar panels, geothermal plants, and windmills. Yeah, they are more eco-friendly and have less dangerous output to the environment, but you are also stupid to think that they don’t have a cost. Windmills and solar panels in particular have a spacial cost, and a lot of people think we have a lot of empty space except no space is empty because *animals* live there. There are habitats there even if humans aren’t there, asshole. And windmills are tall so they can interrupt bird flight paths and stuff too. What happens if you build a windmill in the habitat of an endangered bird? And geo-thermal plants aren’t suited for all locations. There has to be an optimal place that has access to a compatible spot and you have to drill to make the passageways for the energy to pass through and like, that’s drilling near places that have geo-thermal activity so presumably they are also active and maybe have earthquakes and volcanoes. Kind of like how fracking can cause earthquakes, imagine a badly positioned geo-thermal plant. Or like what if a place just doesn’t have the proper rock bed that can support a geo-thermal plant. Like Florida has a lot of sink holes. Does that sound safe to have a powerplant built over a place that could randomly develop a sinkhole? It’s like, I appreciate people are trying to find solutions, but it makes me fucking angry that people are so short-sighted that they tout every random thing as the next miracle solution when it isn’t. It’s just an alternative for the right location. I like people knowing about it, but it isn’t a thing that’s appropriate for every fucking place on the planet. Energy is complex and you have to survey the local area and find out what works for that location. This is a complex issue, and there’s so many people that are just averse to thinking complexly or wanting to do any actual thought into making a workable solution that I just can’t bring myself to really care that much about whether or not our species lives. Like if you’re going to put all of 20 seconds of thought into a complex energy solution that could severely fuck up nature, your neighbors, and all the animals then why even bother? Like the solution is even worse than the actual problems because no one actually wants to think about them. It’s still humans thinking selfishly and only of themselves. So even though I will do my best to do my part, I don’t really care at all if climate change kills us all because most humans out there only want to do half-assed measures or something that makes them look good in front of their friends.

And like, back to the actual topic of genocidal FF villains, seriously if their reasoning is relatively okay, I can’t really bring myself to dislike them if they want to kill everyone because humans are trash. Like, I understand.

[moody213]

WicDiv #35 Impressions (and craters)

(I started this commentary 2 days after the last issue was released, and seeing how the latest issue was released on Friday and I haven’t finished yet (something extremely typical of my lax/non-existent work ethic) I’ve decided it needed to be done before I would allow myself to read issue #36. Here goes!) 

SPOILERS UP TO #35

This issue was particularly hard for me to start reading. Ever since we reached the penultimate arc the idea that we had so little to go has become an anxiety-stirrer for me; I've been a fan since before Laura got her freckles, when all we had was Luci and Laura inviting us on a floor of broken glass to anticipate the next Mcklevie/Gillen chapter after Young Avengers. The idea that the past four years were almost done- well, the subtext should be obvious for anyone who's been reading. 13 hours after release, I read. And then I opened issue one and did a concurrent re-read. And then I reread yet again and promptly passed out.

Seeing that Mckelvie has reworked his first issue art- our first introduction- was marvelous to behold. Matt Wilson's recolor was also stunning (except for one instance of Amaterasu's lips!). I compared them on my second reread, and both the subtle and not-so-subtle reworking truly encapsulate the journey they've both been on: I found issue one an enthralling, gorgeous ride from the beginning; they're my favorite colorist and artist currently working in comics. Issue #35 has a level of ease and understanding of the art that was perhaps more rigid in the first one.

Minerva's rework was especially obvious here; she went from a cute little Shirley Temple gremlin to a child star a bit beyond her cutest years. Also, the difference in hair and clothing (I mean, that sleeve! I stan that sleeve! The ease! And I fixated on it every reread like a sleeve fetishist?)

I love that it kind of insinuates that the version we got on #1 was the ‘it is known’ version and this was the post-Persephone-being-alive truth, like in issue 20. I love the warmth and depth this rework adds.

Susanoo is a peach who cared too much and truly was too good for this world.

Minerva leaving the fire splattered in blood with her hands in fists- iconic and quintessentially WicDiv!

Ananke never cared about the gods. She was crying for her own approaching expiry date. Everything we learn about her adds more to this pathetic and yet unrelentingly cruel force of selfishness. I love how the last turn of Minerva is treating the old Ananke the way she treats the gods- and then assuming her place. Fitting.

JOSEPHINE BAKER AS 1923 PERSEPHONE #DEAD #GAGGING

Set- even as a talking head, ever the bore.

Face-flaying issue #11 powerup!

I love how the pixelated effect still shows up a bit less clearly. It reminds me of the 'tattooing of reality' aspect of the deal between Ananke and her sister. They're resources she can translate- here, for 'eternal' life four faces must be shorn from reality.

The colors and general atmosphere of being somewhere underground and laden with arcane implications is so apparent- I love the warmer tones, they remind me of those heady spiritual moments when you’re somewhere religiously/arcanely significant (those places are always smaller than you’d expect) and the gravity and headiness of the energy seems to make everything a bit more vibrant and hard to explain.

I love jewel tones. This is the quality discourse you’ve been looking for!

The art on the transformation scene, and the purple skull eyes: shivers. How they achieved the transformation effect so much more subtly and yet just as profoundly as the usual God transformations- Mckelvie/Wilson, you're just bragging now.

Present Minerva is a cold snake and if I was even remotely on her side of the equation I would be so proud of my evil maidenr/future manipulative crone!

I love how gradually she was transformed into this punk-y, calculating creature; with her hair down you can really see how the red is a callback to previously blood-splattered Anankes and Ananke (Maiden Edition With Minerva Mask) and yet it’s been peeking out at us from Imperial Phase.

Such an accomplished actress, a veritable Shirley Temple! (Dakota Fanning?)

I wish I could go back to meeting McKelvie/Gillen last year and make a clever quip about talking heads and evil Minervas. That’s my baseline for an excellent twist: I WISH I COULD HAVE SEEN IT COMING!

In the present, Laura makes me sad. The warmth between the gods has seemingly dissipated once and for all. Everyone's either looking out for themselves or isolating. Laura's idea that if they were truly friends Cass wouldn't be screaming at her- hogwash.

Oh, Jon. I love you. I also truly think you’re our always-captured/suffering proxy princess. I can’t wait for him to do something other than be forced to build Woden another contraption that removes consent from the conversation. (He does have a pattern!)

Again, Minerva, you (literal!) snake! That expression on her face when she’s setting Baal up is DELICIOUS and I’m pretty sure I’ve made that expression before, most recently when I convinced a friend to eat coffee grounds I pretended were healthy brownies. (I know! I’m an awful person. But at least I stopped her from taking another bite. By laughing. Still.)

I loved how in the Writer’s Notes Gillen says this was supposed to be more pages+no words, but I think it works perfectly for what he’s going for even with the words. I can almost hear suspense music reading Laura/Persephone’s thoughts, and the insight into her feelings feels earned after so much with nothing further elucidating her thoughts. I mean, we all thought she was pretty horrible to Baal, no? A bit indifferent.

I’ve really missed her, you guys. She’s our Laura, our herald, our first guide. We lost her, we found her, she lost herself, she found (?) herself (or at least her thoughts).

I’m really curious about Jenny (Laura’s sister). I really wonder if we’ll have enough issues for anything to wrap up about that aspect of the story, or if it was a superficial lure, like Baph’s Christmas Dinner with Laura’s Family was basically a simulation of reality, and meant nothing, really.

 Minerva getting pushed is really strong, in that there’s no way he’d ever do that unless he was under a crazy amount of pressure. Also, if I was woken up with news my greatest secret, a secret I’ve invested so much in keeping, was about to be discovered by a person I LOVE and CHERISH, well... I wouldn’t be that conscientious either. Reaction got, Minerva, you manipulative teenage goddess, you! (Is it obvious that if I were a 13-year old again I would choose to be Minerva? I would choose her so hard, she’s Hermione Granger but, like, with none of the redeeming qualities except maybe caring for her parents before her older aspect (?!?) literally decimated them.)

Flashback page is spectacularly done. I love the reds of the room, and the repetition of four skulls (except these are baby skulls we are set to believe and not primates! NOT THAT IT WOULD MAKE IT BETTER BUT MAYBE THEY’RE NOT INNOCENT CHILDREN... no. No. This argument doesn’t make it any better, I’m just pathologically delusional when it comes to people I like.) 

‘I’m not afraid of who I am. But everyone else should be.’ It’s one of those Baal-isms you’d be disinclined to take a note of, one of those prepared one-liners like the line about how when you know someone’s bad in their guts, you don’t have to lie about your own shit. We just thought it was posturing, and here we have evidence of child sacrifice. As can happen, sometimes, never. 

And now I’m finally off to read the latest issue!

[psychotic-psypport]

Do you think a person can attempt to reconnect with someone from the past? Is it always best left alone?

It really, truly depends. I am a really good example of this.

One of my very best friends today is someone I had a serious falling out with in middle school. In the time we spent apart, both of us grew and changed and matured, so that when I finally was talking to him about, we were both big enough people to apologise for the past and move forward together. He's genuinely one of my favorite people and I find myself lucky in the extreme for giving our friendship another try.

I also had a long term best friend during the time I spent away from him. This friend was absolutely awful. They were manipulative and critical and blunt. They hurt me more than just about anyone has ever hurt me. I still hesitate to admit it, but it was abusive. They would insult me and ignore me and hit me when things weren't done to their liking. I eventually dropped them, because they were unkind to me, but moreso because they were unkind to my current best friend. I made a hard split, I blocked every account, I changed seats in class, I even burned everything they ever gave me. To this very day, I have no idea what has happened to them, no clue where they are, not even a notion of what happened next, and that is the way it needs to be. I'm never going back.

Sometimes, people change in really beautiful ways and grow into people worthy of forgiving and worthy of knowing and loving. Some people genuinely do.

Some people are toxic, awful people who will drag you down if you let them. Equally important, there are people who hurt you so bad that nothing they do can make it feel ok for you to reconnect with them.

It's up to you to decide whether to hand out a second chance. You're kind for wanting to do so, but remember that if they haven't changed, if they're still gonna hurt you, it doesn't make you evil to retract the offer. Reconnecting with someone can go spectacularly, like it did with my first friend. But there also exist people who don't deserve a second chance and should not be given one.

[mr-entj]

Leadership: ENFJ/INFJ vs ENTJ/INTJ

Combined with the following asks:

Good evening Mr ENTJ. Have you worked with an ENFJ boss before and if so what was your experience with that compared to your own personal style? Did you two ever clash or how was that interaction? Thank you!

As an I/ENFJ (fairly new college graduate, young, not experienced, first time in this position…) stepping up to a management rank what would I need to know about managing people? I’m nervous I’ll spectacularly be bad at it and I would appreciate ANYTHING you could PLEASE share THANKS!

Do INTJs succeed in your line of work and if so what are they like when they succeed or are at the highest rungs of the ladder? The content of your blog has been immensely helpful in my pursuit of picking a career, I would like you to know that.

Related answers:

ENTJ: Leadership

Do you think that introverts can succeed in the financial/business field? I’m an INTJ who is considering going into consulting, but I’m concerned that I’m not charismatic enough to draw in clients. What’s your experience with introverts at work and what kind of positions do they typically thrive in?

Yes, I’ve worked extensively with both and their leadership styles can look similar on the surface, but they’re different underneath the hood. 

ENFJ and INFJ Leaders

NFJ leaders excel at strategy, inclusion, collaboration (sometimes to a consensus level), and what I call bringing up the rear AKA taking low performers and transforming them into productive team members. 

They’re excellent at incorporating feedback, managing tough relationships, maneuvering through conflicts, but they tend to emphasize the comfort of their teams at the expense of achieving objective goals. 

ENTJ and INTJ Leaders

NTJ leaders excel at strategy, execution, collaboration (sometimes in a combative way), and what I call pushing from the front AKA taking high performers and transforming them into superstars. 

They’re excellent at processing information, managing competing priorities, overcoming setbacks, but they tend to emphasize achieving objective goals at the expense of the comfort of their teams.

NFJ vs. NTJ comparison

Bringing up the rear: NFJs are better at taking troublemakers, low performers, outcasts, and generally the black sheep of the team and turning them into key contributors simply because they have more patience than NTJs to stop and teach someone who’s behind the curve to bring them up to speed. NFJs are safety nets to catch you if you fall.

Cons: That sounds great, right? What’s the negative here? The negative is that NFJs taking care of the low performers sometimes comes at the expense of the entire team because so much time and energy is focused on people who can’t be rehabilitated and/or fixed. Imagine a teacher that taught to the intelligence level and at the speed of the dumbest student in class– it negatively impacts everyone else because they would learn less. If you’re a low performer, NFJs tend to be more forgiving with second chances than NTJs.

Pushing from the front: NTJs are better at taking standouts, high performers, workhorses, and generally your superstars and elevating them to the next level simply because they have more aggressive and ambitious styles than NFJs. They have the insight and willingness to identify someone with immense potential and push that person to new heights. NTJs are propulsion systems to boost you so you fly.

Cons: NTJs tend to gravitate towards high performers and they’re prone to quickly dismissing people who can’t contribute. If you’re god awful at your job, an NTJ might take the time to teach you but not with the level of handholding an NFJ would give. If you’re a high performer, NTJs tend to be more generous with autonomy than NFJs.

NFJs tend to emphasize equality due to their high Fe, this can be problematic when it comes to rewards. Not everyone should be compensated equally because not everyone performs the same. If you give your worst performer and your best performer the same amount of money, you’ll lose your best people.

NTJs tend to emphasize output due to their high Te, this can be problematic when it comes to work/life balance. Not everyone wants to work 60+ hours per week because not everyone is as obsessive about hitting objective measures. If you grind your team to dust by overworking them, you’ll lose your best people.

NFJs tend to have an indirect communication style. This is good because they’ll often use softer language, tone, and words to deliver bad news. It’s less abrasive to the ears and expertly crafted to cushion painful blows. 

Cons: This is bad because sometimes they can talk too much, ramble endlessly, obscure the message, confuse the listener, mislead you, or plain avoid tough conversations altogether because they don’t want you to be mad at them.

NTJs tend to have a direct communication style. This is good because they’re very concise, clear, and transparent about their thoughts, ideas, and opinions. It’s less confusing and less manipulative, you don’t have to second guess the intent because it is what it is.

Cons: This is bad because sometimes they can verbally rip your face off.

[synthient]

The thing is, after learning about Pegasus past and motivation, you can't hate him anymore.

mmmmm I can

(rambling under the cut bc I can’t just let myself have a reaction to fiction w/out analyzing it half to death)

So there’s three main villains in ygo, right:Pegasus, Marik, and Bakura. They all have tragic backstories and at leastsomewhat sympathetic motivations, they all do horrible inexcusable things topeople who don’t deserve it, and they all take a certain amount of sickpleasure in hurting their victims. But I think there’s a few different factorsthat set Pegasus apart from the other two, that make me view them as “kind ofawful but mostly tragic” but him as “kind of tragic but mostly awful.”

In terms of Pegasus being threatening:

Compared to most of the other villains in theseries, Pegasus comes off as almost completely infallible and in control rightup until the moment he’s defeated. He’s a wealthy, powerful, well-respectedadult, while Marik and Bakura are angry teenagers operating on the fringes. He’sgot everyone trapped on his private island, where he makes the rules and callsthe shots and there’s no way on or off except via his personal boat. He’s got fullcontrol over his Millennium Item at a point in the story where Yugi barelyunderstands how the puzzle works. He’s holding the heroes’ loved ones captiveand he can take it out on them if anyone tries to cross him. Marik loses toAtem repeatedly through mind slaves, and Bakura has already made one spectacularlyunsuccessful attempt to defeat the pharaoh prior to Memory World, but by the time the climatic duel of Duelist Kingdom comesaround not only is Pegasus undefeated, but we’ve watched him beat both of the characters that had been establishedas the strongest duelists in the series.

Marik and Bakura’s storylines both climax withfairly standard ~End of the World~ stakes, but the stakes in Pegasus’s arc aremuch more personal, and imo that makes them more effective. It’s hard to get tooconcerned about how things will turn out in a world-ending plot because there’salways a voice in the back of your head going “like the writers would really doit,” but it’s much more feasible that an individual character could get killedoff, or at least could be made to suffer a lot even if they ultimately get ahappy ending.

In terms of the easy-to-hate part:

Marik and Bakura both firmly believe they’regetting revenge on the person responsible for their pain. Pegasus doesn’tthink for a moment that his victims ever did anything to him—they’re just inhis way, and also hurting them is funny.

Pegasus is one of the few adult antagonists in acast full of teenagers. Yeah 24 isn’t a very adult-y adult, but there’s still areal power imbalance between him and all the teenagers on the island (and theeleven-year-old chained in his basement), and he’s fully aware of andcapitalizes on that dynamic (hence the whole “Kaiba-boy” thing”). It makes hismanipulation and psychological torture all the more distasteful,andrules out any sort of “he’s too young to be fully accountable” defense.

Marik and Bakura’s worst actions are usually, if nothing else, in direct service of their goals. Half the shit Pegasus pulls doesn’t have anything to do with his necromancy plan. Blackmailing Yugi and Kaiba into dueling each other and driving them both into breakdowns doesn’t accomplish anything. Tormenting Kaiba by threatening to make him fight his baby brother’s soulless shell doesn’t accomplish anything—he could have read Kaiba’s mind just as easily if they’d used duel disks. After he steals both Kaiba brothers’ souls, he mentally gloats that it would have been kinder to just kill them. Pegasus is needlessly and sometimes even counterproductively cruel, for no better reason than that he finds suffering entertaining.

Obviously this is mostly subjective, and I totally respect people who like him. For me personally his “past and motivation” just aren’t enough to tip the scale into likabilty, although I still think he’s a good and effective villain.

[onceandfuturekiki]

Sleeping Hook Fic: From Long Sleep (updated)

I wrote this fic a long, long time ago. All the way back during season 2. Overall it was one of my favorite things I’ve ever written, but I knew that it needed some more work, and I always told myself that one day I’d dig back into it. Finally, five years later, I did.

This was originally written after the episode where Hook took Aurora’s heart, before the following episodes (where he caught it before it went into the portal and sent Mulan back with it, where Mulan and Aurora stayed to look for Philip and Snow, Emma, Hook, and Cora went to Storybrook), so keep that in mind while reading. Now I guess it could be considered a sort of AU.

I hope anyone reading it for the first time likes it, and I hope people who read it the first time around like the work I did to fix it up and go a little deeper into the characters and their relationship.

Storybrooke was bloody awful. If Killian had known how awful it was, he might have reconsidered his plan for revenge.

Maybe.

And worst of all, there was no way back now.

Well... that wasn't quite true. There was no way back for him. There were people in town with considerable power who could reopen the portal, as dangerous as it was. But none of those people were inclined to help him.

Nobody in Storybrook was.

Considering how feared and disliked Rumpelstiltskin seemed to be by everybody, Killian had figured he'd receive a bit more goodwill for his plans to end the Dark One once and for all. But his failed attempt bought him no friends. While he might not have been the most popular and beloved person in town, the presence of Belle seemed to soften both Rumplestiltskin and the town's opinion of him, which meant that the pirate who tried to kill him and failed in a spectacularly pathetic action wasn't going to be anyone's favorite person. And his other actions canceled out any remaining positive feelings the people of the town might have had for him.

One action in particular seemed to earn him a fair amount of dirty looks. Stealing the princess's heart. Once that little piece of information came to light, everyone started looking at him with disgust and disdain. Everyone but the princess.

She didn't look at him at all.

Aurora had hoped that Storybrooke would awaken some kind of wonder in her. Snow had told her stories around the campfire, of horseless carriages and flameless lamps and all the information anyone could need at one's fingertips at all times. It all sounded like something out of a fantastical tale, containing things beyond ever her wildest imaginings. And she'd hoped that the sight of it would move something in her.

She was unsurprised that it didn't. Her heart was missing. She figured it was pretty hard to feel much of anyhting without it.

Or at least that's what she thought. She'd felt so disconnected, so empty. Her grief over losing Philip had faded to a dull ache in the back of her mind, and soon it was just as numb as the rest of her. When she found out what Captain Hook had done to her, how he'd taken her heart while she slept, she figured that explained it, that the feeling of complete and absolute nothing was because there truly was nothing inside of her.

Until she heard Snow and Emma whispering to each other in their kitchen.

"I don't understand. Regina had Graham's heart and he was still able to feel," Emma had argued, her words hushed but urgent.

"But he thought he couldn't, remember?" he mother shot back.

"But that was just in his head. He really could. I know he could."

"Sometimes these things are more psychological than physical. I can only imagine that it's quite the burden, knowing that your heart is gone. Plus she was under that sleeping curse for so long, and then she lost her true love. The poor thing has been through so much. It's no surprise that she just shut down."

So, Aurora thought, the voice in her head just as flat and monotone as it was when spoken out loud. It's not my body that's broken. It's my brain.

She wasn't sure there was much of a difference.

Ruby finally took pity on him.

"You lost someone," she said to him one afternoon, taking a seat next to him on a bench in the middle of town. It was his new favorite pasttime - his only pasttime, really - finding a place to sit and just drinking himself into oblivion. Nobody ever talked to him, so the presence of Ruby next to him, the sound of her voice directed at him, was more than a bit startling.

"How do you figure?" he shot back with considerably less charm than he would have used in the past.

"I know the look. It's one I'm pretty familiar with."

He hadn't responded, but as he looked over at her he realized he probably didn't need to. The sneer he tried to direct at her didn't do much of anything by way of intimidating or scaring her away. She convinced Granny to let him rent a room, in exchange for him doing whatever odd jobs the needed to be done. The older woman still wasn't all that pleasant toward him, but at least it was better than her previous decree that she'd never let a monster like him under her roof.

So the once fearsome Captain Hook spent his days cleaning bathrooms and changing light bulbs while the townsfolk looked at him not with fear and awe, but disdain. He finally learned that to protect what little pride he had, he needed to just ignored them all together.

That was when the princess started watching him.

Aurora was surprised that he was still in Storybrooke. She knew he couldn't go back to the Enchanted Forest, not without the help of several people whose bad sides he had managed to get on. But the curse that had kept the town isolated had lifted when Emma returned from the Enchanted Forest. He could have gone anywhere. Stolen a boat and just sailed away. It would have been easy.

And yet, he stayed.

She'd ignored him completely for a long time, unable to even muster hatred for him, and unable to even be upset by the fact that she couldn't hate him. And she didn't want to give the captain the satisfaction of seeing what he'd done to her.

But the longer he stuck around, the more interested she became in what he was doing. Working for Granny, staying above the diner. It was so strange, seeing him doing such menial labor. He had manipulated her, violated her trust and her body, and handed her heart over to monster. It was one of the worst things anyone had ever done to her, and here he was. The perpetrator of this horrible thing that had been done to her was just... cleaning toilets and sweeping floors. It was like her mind couldn't reconcile it, and she found herself filled with the need to watch him, to see him live. She was almost fascinated.

It wasn't quite a feeling, but it was close.

He felt her eyes on him all the time.

It had taken Killian two weeks to realize that Aurora was spending hours of every single day just sitting in a booth at Granny's. Not eating, not talking to anyone. Just sitting. It had taken another day for him to realize that she was watching him.

He was embarrassed by how much his observational skills had slipped.

He wasn't the cocky, charming Captain Hook that Aurora remembered, the man who had flirted and snarked while he was being held as a prisoner as though he didn't have a care in the world. The man who had used such smooth, calculated words to get her to gain and exploit her trust. It wasn't that he was broken, exactly. It was more that he was just... defeated.

She figured that made sense, though. Defeat at the hands of Rumpelstiltskin was probably a self-esteem killer

"Eat with me."

The voice startled him. It had been so long since he'd actually heard it.

Killian assumed she was talking to someone else, but when he turned around, Aurora was looking right at him.

It had been so long since he'd looked at her. If he was being honest, he'd have to admit that he had been trying very hard not to look at her. If he didn't look at her, he could pretend that the guilt over what he'd done to her wasn't eating away at him, that what he felt toward her was the same vague disinterest he felt toward most people these days. So when he looked at her now, really looked at her, their eyes meeting as he turned around, he was shocked by how empty she looked. There was nothing in here eyes. No feeling. No hatred or anger or disappointment. Her face was just a blank slate of nothing.

Had they been back in the Enchanted Forest he would have had a clever retort, some cutting remark to distance himself from the whole situation. Maybe even a cruel comment about her missing heart or her complete lack of emotion. But here in Storybrook, he just looked at her, dumbfounded, and then sat in the seat across from her.

She stared.

Sometimes they ate, sometimes they simply sat there staring at each other, sometimes they didn't look at each other at all.

After two weeks, Aurora wasn't sure why she invited Hook to sit with her every day. They didn't talk. No words were ever exchanged between them other than her quiet command of "sit" or "eat with me" every single day. He didn't even say anything when he obeyed, just sitting down across from her, his mouth shut and his posture guarded. The urge to talk to him, to ask him why he had done it, to try to make him feel bad or get him to apologize was never there at all. They just sat, silently, until Granny had decided he'd taken a long enough break and ordered him to get back to work.

But she was surprised by how comfortable she was in his presence. It was something she couldn't explain, how at ease she had come to feel around him. The first few days had, admittedly, been awkward, but after that being around him was just easy. It was one of the few things in her life that actually felt that way. Everything else, even just existing from day to day felt so difficult, so the surprising peace she felt when she sat with Killian, even as it was tinged with a bit of curiosity, was something she almost treasured. Aurora had no idea exactly why she felt so at ease around him, but she knew she didn't want to let it go.

Finally, Killian couldn't take it anymore.

"Are you just trying to torture me into insanity with your silence? Is that your plan for revenge?"

A look that was almost surprised crossed Aurora's face. "No."

"So, what, are you just trying to get up the nerve to ask me why I did it? If it was worth it? You want me to admit that I feel guilty, that I feel something over what I did to you? If that's the case, you're going to be disappointed." He could hear his words becoming more frantic, but he couldn't control it. He tried to push it down, confused as to where it was all coming from, how the itch that had existed in the back of his mind since the first time she'd asked him to sit with her was exploding inside of him.

"No."

"What is this then?"

She looked at her plate, and he thought he saw her brow furrowing, so slightly that he wondered if he was imagining it.

"I don't know."

It wasn't the most satisfying answer, but it was better than "I hate you".

The outburst had made her wonder, and she found herself preoccupied with thoughts about the strange relationship they had developed, and why she was so invested in that relationship, in maintaining whatever it was between them, even if it was just silent lunches.

She'd watched him, both during their time together and while he was working. He certainly was different than he'd been before they'd all come to Storybrook. The Captain Hook she'd known was full of anger and revenge. He had a purpose, however horrible at was, and he was driven. Now, though, he seemed to have no purpose. Instead of setting off for something else, something better, he stayed in a town where everyone hated him, where so many people he had wronged lived, doing menial labor in exchange for the bare necessities of a bed and food. It was something she couldn't wrap her head around. She just knew she was drawn to it, that it, and him, fascinated her.

But as for what that all meant, and how it could answer his questions... she really didn't know.

It made him uncomfortable, the emotional nothingness with which Aurora had confronted him. He knew how his words had sounded, how they'd felt as they left his mouth, and the fact that she'd met them with the same blankness she seemed to have in reaction to everything these days had left him feeling jittery. Angry, even.

He thought about ignoring her, brushing off her commands that he sit with her. Just walking away from the situation entirely. But the thought of it, of not sitting with her every day... it made his heart ache.

Killian found himself wishing, not for the first time, that he had never come to Storybrook.

A week later, she though she had it figured out.

"We're alike."

If she could feel anything, she would have been amused by the way he choked on his water, his eyes bulging as he looked up at her from his plate.

"Excuse me?" Killian coughed out.

"You and me. We're alike."

"How do you figure?"

"You've been hanging around Storybrooke for months now with no purpose. You could take off at any time and you don't. You haven't tried to take revenge a second time. You haven't headed for the sea. You've just stayed here and performed menial labor. You don't even talk to anybody. Do you really think I believe that you feel anything anymore?"

He arched an eyebrow, clearly not liking the way the accusation tasted. "But I still have my heart."

Aurora shrugged. "Apparently it's not the lack of heart that's left me without feeling."

His slowed chewing was the only indication that her words had any effect on him at all.

He couldn't get their conversation out of his head.

If it wasn't Aurora's lack of a heart that had turned her into a shell of a person, then he didn't need to feel guilty.

It was hard for him to admit that he felt guilty about stealing the girl's heart at all, because he had, after all, gotten what he wanted for it. Hadn't he?

But he did. She had been different when he'd rejoined the girls, eyes dead and face empty in a way that he was surprised to find disturbed him deeply. He had never realized how much fire had really been inside of her until it was gone.

Knowing that it wasn't the lack of the heart that had killed her soul should have alleviated that feeling, though. If he wasn't responsible, he shouldn't feel guilty.

But he did. It was intense, all consuming even. He'd been trying to push it away, to act like it wasn't there, but that had only seemed to make it worse. Ignoring it hadn't stopped the overwhelming guilt that had taken up residence in his stomach, the way it clawed at his throat. It had been so long since he'd really felt anything like it, but now that he was being honest with himself, he knew exactly what that feeling was.

That wasn't the only thing he felt. Now that he'd let the flood gates open it was all rushing in. How useless he felt, how lost he was. He'd spent over 300 years with one goal in mind, and now he'd failed. It was humiliating, and it left him wondering what if there was any point to his existence now, if there was really any reason for him to be here. Or anywhere.

And then there was the princess, all the other confusing emotions beyond that overwhleming, crushing guilt. Their daily meetings had come to mean so much to him, had become the one thing he had to cling to. She was one of the very few people in town who didn't openly despise him, and the only one who truly seemed to want him around. That knowledge made even that massive guilt bearable when they were together.

It had been a long time since a woman had inspired much genuine feeling in him. Hell, it had been a long time since anyone other than Rumplestiltskin had inspire much genuine feeling in him of any kind. The guilt he had been feeling since he'd lost Aurora's heart had been bad enough. Now he was filled with so much more, so much confusing emotion in regards to that woman that he couldn't figure out. And to make it all so much was worse was the fact that his intense emotion was being met by pretty much nothing on her end.

Well, I guess you're wrong, Princess. I do feel something.

Aurora wasn't sure when it happened, but when she thought of Killian, there was… something. She wasn't sure what it was. When she thought of everyone else she knew in Storybrook, the only thing she felt was a spark of recognition. Her brain telling her yes, you know this person. But when she thought of him, something else sparked, beyond just the ease she felt when she was with him, or the curiosity she felt when she watched him.

She didn't know what it was, but she wanted to find out.

Killian thought he couldn't have been more surprised to find Aurora at his door late one night.

Until she kissed him.

To complete the surprise, he kissed her back.

The emotions exploded inside of him, and he didn't try to push them down.

As she laid on her back next to Killian, Aurora tried to pinpoint a feeling beyond the pleasant numbness of her body.

After several long, silent moments, Killian, stretched out on his back beside her, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, asked, "What was that all about?"

Her hand moved from where it was resting on the pillow next to her head, pressing into her chest where her heart should have been pounding, instead feeling the complete nothing that now occupied that space, and tried to separate that sensation of nothingness from whatever emotions might be swimming inside her pleasure-clouded body. "I'm not sure yet."

"How old are you really?"

The sound of Aurora's voice startled Killian. "I'm sorry?"

"I know you spent time in Neverland. So how old are you really?"

It was such a simple question that it took him off guard. After weeks and weeks of loaded silences, the simple "get-to-know-you" talk made him feel oddly uncomfortable.

"I don't remember, actually," he responded after a moment.

Silence fell between them once again for a long time. He listened to her breathing, letting his eyelids drift closed as he focused on the calming sensation of her presence. It lulled him into a dreamy state somewhere between waking and sleep, so he was surprised when she turned over onto her side to face him. "You lost the person you loved," she whispered.

"Yes…" Killian replied, not sure where she was going.

"You lost the person you loved, spent decades waiting to get your revenge, and you failed."

"What's your point, Princess?" he bit out, not happy about being reminded of how badly Rumplestiltskin had beaten him.

"Everything you planned fell apart. You lost everything but you still had no choice by to keep going." There was something new to her voice. Not the emotionless tone he'd grown used to, but something like surprise, blooming into something that might have even been awe the more she talked.

"And?"

"That's how we're alike."

He looked over at her then, studying her face. Despite the way her voice sounded, her face, though shadowed, still seemed to hold that familiar blankness, but in the dark, the blankness looked almost like sadness. He wanted to touch her, to roll over and pull her into his arms, holding her close. Instead, he turned away from her.

"So this was just an experiment, right? To see if you felt anything?"

Silence.

"Well? Did you?"

"I don't know yet."

He didn't tell her what he felt.

The words were pushing at him, wanting to get out. He wanted to tell her that she was wrong about him, that he did feel, that he felt so much, and that so much of that was for her. He wanted to tell her that he didn't know what it meant and that he didn't know what to do, but that those feelings had been the only thing he'd had to hold on to since he arrived in Storybrook.

Instead he stayed silent, turning over onto his side so that his back was to her, listening to her breathing as she slipped into slumber.

When Aurora woke up, he was gone.

She felt something.

Killian detested poetry, but he couldn't help but see the poetry in this.

He stole her heart, so she took his in turn.

The least he could do now was get hers back.

She spent a week eating lunch alone at Granny's before Belle seemingly took pity on her, sliding into the chair at the table with a sad smile that made Aurora's throat feel tight.

"He was in the pawn shop early one morning last week talking to Rumpelstiltskin. They made a deal."

"What kind of deal?"

The pity in Belle's eyes was almost too much to take. "To go back."

The tightness in her throat spread through her chest, and she had to take a quick, sharp breath against the sudden ache that was seeping through her.

So he had made a deal with Rumplestiltskin and gone back to the Enchanted Forest to get away from her.

She wished she felt nothing.

It seemed like such a simple deal, a favor in return for passage back to their old world. But Killian knew he was making a bargain with the devil.

It was worth it, as far as he was concerned.

As was the trip across the ravaged, dangerous land.

He knew that retreiving her heart, if he even managed to do that, wouldn't absolve him. But this wasn't about him. It wasn't about trying to assuage his guilt so he wouldn't have to feel it anymore.

This was all about her. What he could do for her.

He knew that having her heart back wouldn't fix her.

But he hoped the gesture would at least help.

If she hadn't been through all that she had, the desperate pounding on her door at two in the morning would have frightened her.

A wild-eyed Killian Jones standing at her door, satchel in hand, was the last thing she'd  expected to see. And the feeling that flared up inside of her, the warmth that was suddenly bursting through her chest in the spot where he heart should have been at the sight of him, his clothes dirty and torn, scraped and bruises littering the skin she could see, was so unexpected that she had to grip the edge of the door so hard her fingers went numb in order to stay upright.

He held the satchel out to her. "I thought you might be wanting this back."

She opened the bag with trembling fingers, wanting to see what she had been missing for so long, unable to truly believe she had it back, despite being able to hear the strong heartbeat.

When she finally saw it, her heart, glowing in the bag, the heartbeat still strong, her eyes filled with tears. She looked up at Killian, trying to make her mouth form some kind of words of thanks, only to find that his eyes were also glassy as he watched her, his hand reaching out to wipe a tear away from the corner of her eye.

For the first time in what felt like an eternity, Aurora smiled.

She was beautiful.

Of course, Killian had always thought her to be beautiful. As far as he was concerned that was just an objective fact. But before it was a sad, broken beauty, the blank emptiness making her overall loveliness somewhat tragic.

Now, as they laid in bad watching each other, his hand trailing up and down her spine, she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. More beautiful than the sea, more beautiful than the Jolly Roger. It made an overwhelming joy spread through his body, and he made no attempt to push it away. His fingers trailed up her back, down her arm, over her collar bone, and finally to her chest, pressing against her skin so he could feel her heart beating, strong and steady, beneath his palm.

A small, quiet smile graced her face.

He had caused that.

Her smile grew as she brought her hand to his face and he turned his head, pressing a kiss to her palm.

"I'm finally awake," she said, her smile spreading over her face.

THE END

[evakuality]

Let’s talk about Isak

So here we are at the second of the meta posts I wanted to write, and for which I created this blog in order to have somewhere to put them.  This one is about Isak all on his own.  He’s such a complex, interesting character and I’m constantly fascinated by him.  However, as in all fandoms, there are certain perceptions of him that have become accepted as universal truths to the point that most fic and art uses those ideas as if they are canon.  Since I’m in an analytical mood, I’m going to take a look and see just how accurate they all are.  Again, I could write a book on all the things I agree with about Isak: he’s smart, he’s analytical, he’s an introvert, he loves Even etc etc.  But there’s not much use in rehashing that stuff again, so I’m going to look at things where I either disagree or at least partially do.

First: That he’s small and weak.

Okay, so I take major exception to this one.  It’s probably one of the ones that bothers me the most.  Take that as an acknowledgement that I come into this with a bias against it, but I’ll still try to be fair.   Obviously, the actor grew over the course of the show and this has an impact on how we perceive the character.  Season one Isak isn’t noticeably taller than the people around him.  He’s still not what I would call short, but he’s not a towering giant either.  However, by season three Isak is pretty damn tall.  I know this is Scandinavia and there’s a stereotype that they’re tall people as a general rule and so someone as tall as Isak isn’t necessarily going to appear out of place or even particularly tall.  Having said that, however, it’s important to note that even for this group of people, Isak is not one of the smallest.  He’s one of the tallest.  He’s close to Magnus in height and it’s hard to tell which one has the edge.  I think it changes depending on the angle of the shots, and both of them are noticeably taller than their other friends.  There is one other thing that has an impact on how we see Isak, of course.  That one thing we can all agree on, and it is that Even is very tall, taller than the rest of them.  This creates a false impression of Isak as small, and he even looks delicate next to Even in the final clip of season 3 due to the costumes each is wearing.  I understand that this is what has fueled the perception that he is small, delicate, weak etc, however it’s still wrong.  There are a few inches at most between the two of them, and by season 4 that difference seems even smaller, probably due to the actor still growing.

The problem I have with this is that ‘small’ Isak is almost always coupled with ‘delicate, weak, needing protection and looking after’ Isak.  The fandom often has Isak as wearing Even’s clothes and them swimming on him.  Which is just blatantly, actually wrong.  In canon we see Even in Isak’s clothes and they fit perfectly.  These two are pretty much the exact same size and could probably share clothes for the rest of their lives and not have to worry about them not fitting.  It seems like the intention with this idea in fic is to infantilize Isak because along with this ‘he swims in Even’s clothes’ comes an idea that he can’t look after himself, but that’s a comment for another part of this post.  Another side effect of this infantilization is that Isak is generally cast as weak.  In fic and headcanons (and sometimes art, though forgive me I’m new to this business and I don’t see as much art as I do fic etc so it’s less on my radar), if someone is going to sweep someone else up it’s generally Even.  If someone needs carrying over a threshold it’s Isak.  However, in the show we see the opposite.  In the birthday video, Isak is the one who lifts Even onto his shoulders.  Isak is the one who’s shown to be working out.  Isak is the one who has definition and muscle in his body (seen earlier in the show, too; this isn’t a new development).  He’s very obviously not weak.  

Second: He’s manipulative

It’s fairly clear where this one comes from.  After all, Isak spent season one manipulating his friends and was spectacularly successful in his actions.  Right?  Well, yes and no.  Yes, he did what he could deliberately to try to make things difficult between Jonas and Eva.  He succeeded in making things worse and causing Eva a lot more misery than she might otherwise have endured.  However, I do not agree that he broke them up.  It’s not like this was a healthy relationship and would have remained secure and stable if not for Isak.  No, they had serious problems and difficulties already and his actions, while reprehensible and designed for his own gain, made no difference to the health or otherwise of the relationship.  As Eva says later, he didn’t fuck things up between them, they did that themselves.   I’ve only seen season one once, so I’m not totally certain of all the details, but his manipulations during it feel more off the cuff anyway.  They seem to be things that he thinks of in the moment to work for him.  He’s certainly not through everything through because he doesn’t plan for contingencies or for what will happen if he’s found out.  This, then, is where the idea of Isak being a master manipulator comes from.  It’s partially true because he does do some very underhand things in order to get the result he desires.  The problem is … he’s not actually very good at lying and manipulating.

This is most clear in season three when he’s with Even and bails on both sets of other plans for the evening.  Manipulation 101 would have you tell both sets the same lie or ensure that they can’t contact each other to prove you’re not being honest.  However, not long later he’s been called on it because he told two different and easily verified lies to the two groups.  They know, almost immediately, that he’s lying.  Not exactly master manipulative material.  Then his go-to excuse for ditching the boys is that he has a family thing.  He uses this so often that it’s become something of an in joke.  The boys clearly know he’s lying, as shown when Mahdi teases him about going to a family thing when he leaves the party they’re trying to get into.  He can’t keep his emotions off his face, either.  His misery is clear in his expression and his body language through much of his season and the boys are obviously hovering in the background concerned about him.  Even during season one he’s not the expert people suggest.  His actions come to light when Iben tells Eva that Isak is the one who’s spreading things around because he didn’t make sure that it couldn’t be traced to him.  That he never learns from this experience to become a better manipulator is actually testament to the idea that he’s just not invested in this as an activity and that when he tries he’s not actually good at it.  

The one way in which he’s actually successful at it is with girls.  He has a very practiced mask which he pulls on and uses to get girls to fall into his arms.  He’s very believable in this instance as it’s important to him to maintain that facade of heterosexuality.  Emma falls for it on numerous occasions and it can’t be denied that he’s doing this again for his own benefit.  However, it’s an understandable set of actions from someone who’s very insecure about his place and how he might be perceived if he strays off the accepted path.  It’s very telling that the only times he’s actually successful at lying and manipulation are when there are very high stakes for his own life (or if we include Jonas/Eva, when there’s a very shaky foundation ready to fall anyway).  This is not Isak’s natural state and tends to stem from misery rather than maliciousness when it happens.  It doesn’t excuse what he does at all, but he’s definitely not a master at this.

Third: He’s a spoiled brat

Another of these persistent ideas in this fandom is that Isak is a pampered, spoiled brat who gets everything done for him when he stamps his feet petulantly.  This Isak has an Even who falls over himself to do everything for him and to whom his petulance is an endearing trait.  I touched on some of this in my previous meta, but there are some other things to note.  Most prominently, that Isak has been looking out for his own well being for a very long time.  During season one, his father leaves him at home with his clearly mentally ill mother.  This is speculation at this point, but if she’s as bad as she appears to be later on, it’s unlikely that she was capable of caring for herself and for Isak full time at this stage.  He’s likely to have had to be self sufficient at least part of this period.  It’s also worth noting that Isak left this home to live in a stranger’s basement because that seemed to be a better option to him.  How awful must it have been to live at home if that solution was ‘better’ to him!  

That other meta deals with Isak as a domestic person so I won’t do it again.  But alongside that issue is the idea that Isak is always grumpy and that Even indulges this and lets him get away with being a brat.  But is he that bratty?  I would argue that no he isn’t.  He’s grumpy and sarcastic, yes, but that doesn’t make him a brat (and let’s not get too much into the infantilization that suggests, too, since brats are usually considered to be young and childish).  Isak has a temper and can be prone to fly off the handle with little provocation, and yes in those moments Even does get very solicitous and calms him down.  But what this line of reasoning forgets is how Isak does the same for Even.  When Even gets into his funks (‘this isn’t going to work’ etc) Isak calmly and firmly shuts him down.  We also see him wrapping Even in a blanket to keep him warm and safe, we see him rescuing Even at karaoke when he gets upset.  We see Isak looking after Even emotionally at least as often as we see Even doing the same for Isak.  This is a partnership, and they are equal.  No-one is a brat or spoiled; they both support each other.

Fourth: he’s submissive and shy

Probably the most prevalent of the fandom’s ideas on Isak is this one.  But Isak is hardly shy at all and definitely not the submissive type during what we see in the show.  He’s a little wary and unsure with Even to start with because he’s probably never been in a situation where he’s been so attracted to someone else before, but he doesn’t lack confidence or assertiveness.  He’s deeply attracted to Even, in a way that makes him blushy and a bit stuttery, and yet he asks him on their second meeting to buy him some beer.  That’s not a submissive person.  He goes out of his way to find Even and he demands answers from him when he’s been seemingly flakey (‘where have you been?’ etc).  When Even comes to his home after the text exchange, Isak is the one to move forward and kiss Even.  I’m not suggesting that he’s dominant and aggressive, but he isn’t scared to go after what he wants and he’s definitely not scared to speak his mind.  That’s not just with Even, either.  He’s got a  quick wit and he loves to sting those around him, particularly when they’ve been ignorant (‘that doesn’t mean you have any more game’ and ‘I was going to ask you the same thing’ etc).  He hits Mikael for some nebulous reason and spits aggressive attacks at the homophobe on the street.  Isak is not one to sit back and let things be done to him if he has some way to retaliate.  All of this is said much more eloquently in this post, so I suggest reading that one for more detail on this point.

The one thing where this seems like a less confident Isak might be true is when he follows Even basically wherever he wants to go and when he goes very soft and pliant when he’s with Even.  However, neither of these things necessarily mean he’s submissive.  He follows Even because Even has fun, exciting, reckless ideas and Isak is always up for doing fun, exciting, reasonably reckless things.  He also has enough ideas of his own that Even often goes along with.  He suggests they go to the party at his place, and as shown before he’s the one who often initiates kissing etc.  It’s not all a one-way street.  The fact that Isak gets soft and cuddly with Even has less to do with submission and more to do with being comfortable in his own skin.  In all of these scenes he’s in a place where he feels he can be himself and be relaxed.  As the show wears on, those places he feels that way expand and it’s not just Even that he’s soft around.  The last time we see him in season three, he’s chatting to Eva.  he looks comfortable, he’s smiling, he’s genuine, and he’s relaxed.  Even is there but he’s not the one isak’s talking to.  The scenes with Sana in season 4 move further and further to a place of real comfort and ability to relax until the end when he’s comfortable enough to tell her that he got a 5 on his test, and his body language is relaxed and his smile genuine despite there being no Even in the shot.  This suggests that an Isak who is comfortable in himself and the situation is actually quite relaxed and comfortable regardless of whether Even is there or not.

Now, am I saying all this to suggest that people don’t write or headcanon this way?  No, of course not.  But I do think it’s good sometimes to sit back and examine our assumptions and realise how much of what we do is not based on what is actually presented in the show.