#sometimes they're doing something WITH ME and im told of these plans an hour or two beforehand even though its been planned for weeks

[pinkseas]

ohhhhhhhhhhhh if there was a world championship for not telling your kids about things happening that directly impact them and often directly involve them..................

[mkfluffluv]

Keep The Secret?

MAINLY JAKE LOCKLEY X GN READER , SOME MARC SPECTOR AND STEVEN GRANT X GN READER

prompt : marc and steven had gotten themselves sick. luckily for them, they have a wonderful and loving partner who's willing to take care of them(you). unbeknownst to you, another person is taking care of them in their own way. (yes it's jake.)

i finally finished this and it ended up a lot longer than i had planned but i'm pretty okay with it, so, enjoy!

likes and reblogs appreciated, also leave me requests cause im running out of ideas!!

warnings(?) : fluff. maybe angst? but mostly fluff. my knowledge on DID is very limited but im hoping i didn't mess anything up and if i did, feel free to message me about it!!

word count : 2,705

masterlist

Here you are, preparing all of your boyfriends' pills for them cause they're too tired to get out of bed. Someone had coughed on Steven while on his way to the museum and now they're sick with a sweltering hot fever  and a horrid cough. They were constantly switching with each other because neither of them wanted to deal with the sickness and while yes, being sick without fronting is still being sick, it is still much better than actually having to experience a sick body. Sometimes you wonder why or how you had fallen in love with these two idiots.

"Will you both please just stop arguing and drink your medicine?" You demand from your very sick boyfriends who are currently quarreling with each other. A mirror was placed beside the bed where Steven was laying down on, where he is coughing every few sentences that he says to presumably Marc, as he tells him, pretty much begs him to take over for a few minutes so that he can stop feeling so bad at least a little bit. You can't hear Marc but from the way Steven is getting more and more exasperated by the second, he's probably being very stubborn and refusing to switch.

A bunch of toddlers those two are.

You run a hand through your hair and drag it down your face, letting out a groan in irritation. You’ve been by their side for hours now, making sure they’re getting enough rest and drinking their medicine and honesly, If you didn't love these two dorks, you probably would have left hours ago. But if you'd left, they'd just be arguing all day and not resting and that is the opposite of what you want these two to be doing.

After giving up on trying to get the boys to drink their pills, you approach Steven on the bed, pushing him down by the shoulders, forcibly tucking him in, and shushing him when he tries to say something about you treating him like a baby. "Please, love, just go to sleep. You'll feel better when you wake up." You tell him, pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. Steven is quiet for a while but then sighs defeatedly and nods, knowing there's no point in arguing with you about it since he's already tired anyway. His head immediately sinks into the pillows as he relaxes and closes his eyes. You sit beside him, humming a soft tune while running your hands through his hair. His breathing slows in mere seconds.

Thank god. You were starting to get really tired of their bickering and if they were to go on any longer, you would seriously start contemplating using that neck pinch trick Marc taught you to get them to pass out already. Sighing in relief, you lift yourself from the bed and walk over to the small stove to start cooking up some soup for them to eat when they wake up.

However, as you were cutting up some carrots, you hear shuffling coming from the bed. Assuming that it's probably just Steven stirring in his sleep, you choose to ignore it and continue to cook.

But the shuffling continues and it isn't until you hear a creak on the floor that you turn your head to the other side of the room where possibly Steven is leaning against the wall trying to walk towards his desk.

Oh for the love of-

"Steven! I told you to rest, if you needed the pills you could've just-" Before you could finish your sentence, however, Steven had swiftly darted across the apartment towards you, as if he was never even sick. Suddenly there is a dagger that he had pulled out of who knows where threateningly close to your throat.

This is not Steven and you have a very good feeling that it isn't Marc either.

"Who are you?" A slight accent that isn't American nor British comes out of the man, his voice low and more gravelly than the others. Slowly, you place the knife back down on the cutting board and both of your hands come up to your chest, hopefully showing this stranger that you are now unarmed and not here to hurt anyone.

"I'm just here to take care of Marc and Steven. I'm their significant other." There is a pregnant pause after you say this like he's contemplating whether your words could be trusted or not. His eyes dart around the room. First, towards the soup on the stove, then the pills on the desk, and finally the small portraits of you and your boyfriends. He finally lets go of you, making you fall to the floor with how weak your knees felt after all that.

"God fucking damn it those idiots." The stranger says, the accent coming out of his mouth (your usually american and british lovers' mouth)  is something that would probably take a while to get used to. It surely took you a while to get used to Marc’s accent. The man drags his hand across his face and takes one deep breath before dropping down to the floor right next to you. "I'm very sorry about that." He leans sideways against the kitchen counter, a charming smile making its way up to his face. You notice that it's different from the way the other boys smile.

There's still a bit of confusion floating around in your head, way too many questions that you just can't seem to form the words to ask him. So instead, you just nod. "I can't really forgive you for threatening my life like that." You can still feel the blade close to your neck, merely only centimeters away from cutting it open and bleeding to death. You rub at the spot to get rid of the phantom feeling and steady your breathing. It's fine. You're not in danger anymore. Plus, you have a feeling this new guy wouldn't hurt you. His posture is no longer tense, now relaxed, and frailer considering the body is still very sick and the dagger was thrown across the room a few seconds ago. Whether it's because he trusts you or if it's because he's too weak to start anything right now, he doesn't look like he would hurt you.

"Care to explain why you suddenly attacked me though?" You dare to ask, to which the man laughs and then coughs violently into his arm. Out of instinct, you reach out to him but stop yourself. He may have the face and the body of your boyfriends but he is still a potentially dangerous and untrusting stranger.

Eventually, the coughing does stop and now he looks as tired as Marc and Steven did before. You can't help the clenching feeling in your chest at the sight of him. As if he can feel your pitying gaze, he turns to you again, his smile now softer. "I'm very protective of them. Thought you were a stranger. Plus my mind was all bleary so I couldn't think straight. Sorry." He apologizes again, this time you can't help but feel bad for him. You don't know why you suddenly trust this man after he'd almost slit your throat open but the care and love were so evident in his tone of voice and it warmed your heart to know that there's someone else close to them to care about those two idiots.

So you return his smile and nod, before getting up to your feet and offering a hand to him. He looks at it incredulously as if he's never seen a hand before. It's adorable but also kinda stupid for him to be this untrusting of an empty hand.

"Come on, get up. You're still sick and in need of rest. Plus I still need to finish that soup." You tell him, waving the hand in front of him for him to take.

He eventually does and you help him up to his feet, letting him lean on you when he nearly falls at the sudden dizziness erupting in his head.

"What's your name by the way?" You ask him as you slowly guide him back towards the bed. He coughs once into his hand and his face turns to look at you, the smirk back on his face before he responds:

"Jake Lockley, a pleasure to meet you."

-

"Can you promise to keep this a secret?" Jake asks you as you were scooping up another spoonful of soup to feed him. He insisted he didn't need to be fed by you but when you saw him shake as he held the bowl, you pretty much forced it out of his hands and started feeding him. You just wouldn't want soup all over his sleeping pants, that's all.

He flinches at the glare that you give him for even asking that. Keeping something as big as this a secret from your boys? No, absolutely not. Why would he even dare suggest that?

You voice these thoughts to him as you place the bowl of soup on the bedside table and he shakes his head. Jake turns his body so that he's facing towards you, staring deep into your eyes. He moves forward and grabs your now empty  hands, holding them tightly in his. The feeling of his calloused palm against yours makes your cheeks flush.

"Please. I swear I'm only doing this to protect them." He practically begs, your hands that are clutched tightly in his are starting to hurt with how tight he's holding them but not enough to be unbearable. You want to refuse. Marc and Steven deserve to know after all. They shouldn't be kept in the dark like this.

But when you open your mouth to tell him no, his head drops into your lap, his face now hidden in the fabric of your clothing, and his hands are still not letting go of their tight grip on yours as he lets out another quiet plea. "I just don't want them to know yet. Please." His voice is slightly muffled but sounds genuine enough for you to let out a defeated sigh. Damn him and his pleading voice.

"Fine." You respond. Jake's head immediately snaps up from its former position, his eyes that are staring into yours shine with adoration. You're taken aback by how that look makes you feel. Oh no. Not doing this again.

You shake the thoughts from your head and then clear your throat. The puppy eyes are simply only effective cause they're the same as your boyfriends'. That's all. There's nothing more to it.

Quickly, you take your hands away from Jake's, placing them back on your lap. "I promise to not tell them." His face beams up with joy and it reminds you a little bit of the way Steven would look whenever you pay attention to one of his ramblings and gosh does that make your heart go weak. You regain your composure though after mentally slapping yourself and focusing on the task at hand. "But you will tell them soon, right?" You ask him. "It just doesn't feel right to be lying about all of this."

"I know." Jake sighs, rubbing at his temples and massaging the area to ease the pain of his aching headache. "I know, it's just that I haven't figured out how to tell them without freaking them out." He rests his head against the headboard and closes his eyes. "I've done some things that they might not agree with."

Oh. You remember Marc and Steven telling you stories about them passing out in life-threatening situations and then waking up with people either dead or passed out around them, with their fists covered in blood. When asked, both of them refuse to admit who was at fault. It seems that they were both telling the truth. None of them did that. It was all just Jake. Somehow, this doesn't make you scared of him. He was only protecting the loves of your life, after all, even if you don’t agree with his way of doing it, you still appreciate it.

"I'm sure they'll understand." You say to him. You don't really want to give in to the voice that's telling you to hold him close. You don't. But right now Jake looks so much like a sad kicked puppy, with his head hung low and his fingers fiddle like he doesn't believe the words that you've said to him and you have this very strong and irresistible urge to pull him in for a long and comforting hug. You don't know if it's because the face you're looking at right now is the same one as your boyfriends' or if it's because of this stupid and conflicting feeling lying in your heart that you're sure to talk to Marc and Steven about soon cause there's no way you're not telling them about this.

Ah fuck it, it doesn't matter.

Giving in to your urges, you pull him into your embrace, holding him close to you and rubbing circles along his back to comfort him. You can feel Jake going tense for a second, definitely not expecting that from you, before he relaxes into your touch as he wraps his own arms around you. The hug might have looked awkward with the way you were both sitting on the bed but it's still pleasant, it feels safe, and it's everything Jake could've ever asked for.

The two of you hug for a while, settling into each other's arms without any conversation needing to be had. You stay like that until he falls asleep, probably exhausted after everything and you gently lay him down on the bed, tucking him in and by reflex, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

-

For the whole time that they were sick, Jake was the only one fronting. When asked about why that is, Jake's response was:

"Ask them when they remember the last time they were sick and were awake for more than half a day and they wouldn't know. That's cause I'm usually the one taking care of the body when we're sick." He had explained one night while downing the necessary pills for his recovery. Jake winced as he felt them go down his throat. "Once we're healthy enough, Marc or Steven are going to wake up and think they'd just slept through the days."

True to his word, when they've finally started to get better, Marc finally wakes up one bright morning, looking around at his surroundings and scratching at his head. You smile at the adorable sight and can’t help but to give him a quick kiss on his lips, morning breath be damned. He asked you what time and day it was as he always does when he wakes up, his eyes widened in shock. He faces the mirror beside the bed and asks Steven if he had been awake at all but by the look on Marc’s face, you can tell that Steven had told him that he wasn’t. Marc turns to you, clearly confused. "How did we even sleep for two whole days?"

When Marc asks this, you start to contemplate just telling him about Jake. You didn't want to lie to them. It wouldn't feel right for you to keep this all a secret from them cause Marc and Steven deserved to know. But it also wouldn’t be fair to Jake if you broke your promise.

Damn it.

It's real stupid of you to have grown so attached to Jake despite only meeting the man once and even knowing that you probably wouldn't be seeing him any time soon. It’s even stupider to lie to your boyfriends about this whole thing just because you wanted to keep a promise. But you had already promised and somehow, you trusted him with this.

So, you just press a kiss to Marc's temple and then hurry off to the kitchen, telling him that you’re getting him some soup. The thought of warm food in his belly is enough to make Marc forget about his question from before.

It’s fine.

Jake will explain it to them soon enough.

[gorgeouslypink]

Hello Pink! This isn't a void success story but this is something really exciting that happened. I was in a pretty rough place in my life. I was part of the "popular" group but my friends decided that to ignore me and ditch me basically. I was honestly really upset about it and I cried a lot and I really wanted to (still want to) enter the voif but methods weren't working and I was depressed and I had no friends. I saw your post and I was really excited to see you back and watched that quantum jump video and it was honestly really cool and motivated me a lot. In my recommendations a video for quantum jump meditations by Brian Scott (the 8 hour Remix version) came and it was late so I decided to just listen to it as I slept. I did the first meditation part until it went to the music and I fell asleep sometime then and I woke up without my headphones on so I didn't listen to it the entire night but so many things happened. First, a causal friend I had reached out to me and asked if I wanted to hang out and we had so much fun and she introduced me to her friends and we all have plans to hang out some more. Also I got a message in a group chat with my old friends where one of them apologized to me and said what they did was messed up and then left the group chat and then messaged me and told me that they just decided that I wasn't "cool enough." Basically all of them are super sexual and liked to do things with boys but personally I just feel like I want to have a deep connection with someone first and things like that and I never looked down on them or anything but they would pressure me and finally ig they decided I was just a loser and so she explained all that to me and said she was kind of peer pressured but she felt bad and she apologized so we're friends again. I genuinely feel like I quantum leaped. I went from having no friends and being depressed to having a really fun day and meeting a new friend group and getting an apology and reconciling with an old friend in one night. I'll listen to it again and give you updates. I'm going to set the intention to quantum leap into a reality where I always wake up in the void state. Thank you for reading.

omgosh this is so amazing and im so happy for you love!! im really sorry for what you went through and im so glad you were able to meet a better friend group. keep me updated!! 💗

the video they're talking about:

[izukuisbaby]

Omg imagine being a pro hero as well and being married to Izuku 🥺🥺 I love that man so much

Imagine him being needy and missing his partner while they’re away for a mission 😭

⊹˚.⋆ PRO-HERO HUSBAND HEADCANONS - IZUKU MIDORIYA

℘. flora's notes : HOW COULD I NOT ANSWER THIS ? hello to u fellow izu simp 👀 sorry it took a while but I kept adding stuff- IM STARTING MY COURSE TODAY IM TERRIFIED

scheduled post im sleeping bro

℘. female, male and gn reader friendly ♡

℘. bonus : I'm ranting about the wedding planning 💀💀 I AM NOT POSTING AT PEAK HOURS, PLEASE REBLOG 🥲

m.list | comment or reblog if you enjoyed !

℘. i see pro hero izu as very buff, taller and much more confident with himself ! he works out a lot to keep up with the 1st pro hero lifestyle and he has jaw-dropping muscles (im gonna drool)

℘. and he loves to engulf you in his strong arms and give you a teddy bear hug ORRR have your back against his chest with his arms wrapped around you when you two are watching a movie on the couch

℘. he isn't home much, he has to maintain peace in Japan, you're worried and so is he about his hero work. he loves his job so so much, it's his dream. but sometimes he just wishes he could spend more time with you

℘. but you're a lucky babe ! his co-workers and friends Shoto and Katsuki force him to take breaks so that he can spend time with you. they are soooo understanding of your relationship and so supportive too !

℘. when izu told katsuki he was going to propose to you he went like :

"THAT'S MY BOY" and hit him in the back🥲 but that's his way of being supportive

℘. TAKES A DAY OFF EVERY WEEK FOR YOU and he will cook for you every single time ! izuku loves cooking so as soon as he gets the occasion he will make u a little something <3

℘. when izu has his lunch break, he makes a list of things he wants to watch and do with you, his favs are 8-10 episodes netflix series because he can binge-watch them on his free day with you in his arms

℘. officialized his relationship with you on socials quite quickly, he knew he was going to marry you. you are now the most liked tweet-

℘. he talks about you in interviews NO DOUBTS. he tries not to say too much, he likes his privacy but he has a bad habit of rambling and kind of spills more than he wishes to sometimes 🥲

℘. "i am so grateful to have a wife/husband like y/n. they are always so patient with me. i mean, dating a pro hero is obviously not easy but they're so supportive. i know i am making them go through a lot and i hate that they have to worry about me. i love them so much really, i wouldn't be here without them"

℘. SPENDS MONEY ON YOU. there's not a week where you don't have a bouquet of flowers, or a cute cake he saw at the bakery or something that he thought would like nice in your flat !

℘. he always gives you his card when you go shopping with your friends. HE LOOKS FORWARD TO YOUR HAULS and he loves seeing you in clothes he bought for you.

℘. BUT if you want to pay for your stuff he will 100% support you, he just doesn't know how to make you happy so he gives you everything he owns-

℘. you're his #1 fan, he is so flattered to have an s/o that's so supportive. he always makes a little trip to the marketing wing of his agency to get you the upcoming products.

℘. the marketing team LOVES you, your reviews are always the best, they know you want the best merch for the best husband 😇

⊹˚.⋆ THE WEDDING PREPARATION (i got carried away so I had to make a whole separate part for this)

℘. shoto and katsuki had to reassure izu at least 20 times :

katsubabe : "they love you dumbass, can't you see it ? you've been together for like eternity and they put up with you every day, that is a great act of love"

sho : "i think that you should propose to then midoriya. don't doubt it, and if they say no my sister knows how to use tinder, I'll tell her to teach you"

katsubabe :"that's not what you're supposed to say half shit"

izu : "YOU'RE BOTH GONNA BE MY BEST MEN, I LOVE YOU GUYS"

℘. the whole wedding process caused izuku so much anxiety. he installed pinterest and made a board "wedding <3"

℘. he really really tried to handle it himself but he gave up, too much anxiety. you were tired of seeing him sacrifice his sleep for the wedding and hired a wedding planner instead 💀

℘. izu was relieved, he wanted it to be perfect and who can make it more perfect than a professional ?

℘. he wanted the wedding to be private, it was about 30 people and no media was allowed HOWEVER he posted the wedding pictures on his social media and broke the internet

℘. izu showing u off on socials 💥💳🥲🥲

© izukuisbaby. comments appreciated ! although do not modify, translate, copy, claim as your own or repost on any app/platform/social media (this applies to all of my content)💓

[weidli]

liveblog to von affen und menschen under the cut cause it got long

off to a good start i like the atmosphere

auch wieder mal musikalisch fun which is good cause that's what makes me like züri brännt so much i think

fucking love sunglasses isabelle impeccable

obsessed

theyre doing menschenrechte for menschenaffe als thema and they can't even bring up the basel initiative come onnnnn liegt doch auf der hand

when will they let ME take a nap in peace in the zoo zürich smh

oh isabelle reacts FAST

wo isch d'tessa??? Im Nebel. Mit Gorillas. häääää????

oh i've seen this woman before i just know it

WAS FREYA IN DER LETZTE SCHREY I FUCKING WIN

now i need to go back to that one i love weimar episodes and i love watching actors speak high german when i know they're swiss

we're doing IMPERSONATION i love that for her

tessa das ist jetzt aber nicht sehr vorsichtig

wohnung suspiciously broken into and fucked up and she doesn't even check every room PLEASE. A BIT OF CAUTION

ehrlich gesagt aber auch very funny wie sie einfach gerade aussen telefoniert und nix mitkriegt und der typ da Ach nei jetzt chann i sie nid umbringe blöde jugend und ihri handys immer. awwwwkward

JUST GENERALLY A LOT OF THIS IS REALLY FUNNY ACTUALLY

staring at the mirror having killed her twin sister (notwehr ?) and pretended it was suicide unaware that she is now impersonating the person who committed a whole NOTHER tötungsdelikt possibly a mord: es isch VORBEI . dU dumme sau. yeah pal not sure this one's gonna end well

BAHNHOF ZÜRI TIMES YEEAAAAHHHH

goodness let them sleep

jsjsjsj love all the mirror talking going on this episode . you know this DOES kind of feel like it could've been a weimar plotwise. this is great i mean that as a compliment

auch maximal chaos gerade die hälfte schlaft ein die andere hälfte hat kein plan um was es gerade geht

love tessa throwing tissue ball at noah and him looking very proud when he manages to duck. no one takes that man seriously in here

ach ja die schon oft angedeutete bundesgerichtsstelle für d wegenast

isabelle is so goddamn cute sometimes

immer noch kein plan was der eine kerl eigentlich vor hat aber ok guess we're infiltrating the krankenhaus

the simultaneous wordless sunglassed sighing. i'm in love with this episode

HELP

oh right i forgot about the very first dead guy

somebody please let them sleep

AND THEYRE STILL SHORT ONE they haven't found nicole yet

kdhsj poor isabelle

okay i want to hear about the background child dressed as a cowboy with an arrow in his arm. tell me more

noah just sitting there while isabelle and tessa Construct Theories. i suspect no one's told him anything

this is PROPER iasip conspiracy board shenanigans

tessaaaaaa stop calling it mord if you don't know that it's mord and in fact have no clue what the motive was that's my personal pet peeve >.<

NOW we've got the full set of leichen

at least so far

isabelle taking out her gun to stand there dramatically and aesthetically and tessa's just like Cmon really ???

i love isabelle's euphemisms for kicked the bucket. still adore the time in schoggiläbe at the hotel where they were like oh should we leave a message and she was like No need. Er ist ... schon abgereist. "hat sich Ihrer Haft entzogen" ist nearly as neat

huge fan of charlie and the affen

DU SCHLÄFST? OHNE MICH??

tessa has a sister? noted

so much is happening and there's half an hour left

aaaaand they're lost in the woods

oh right that fuckin other guy we still know nothing about

and NOW isabelles in a garbage can. and tessas shaving a dead chimp

god bless milan truly

isabelle you're slowly losing marbles go get some SLEEP woman

oh but there is some FASCINATING characterization going on at the intersection of isabelle digging the diamond out of garbage bags and climbing into the garbage to do it so she can give something to milan and have something for herself (No one's ever given me anything). and then have tessa list out the lauf der dinge all lead by greed and isabelle says not all of us have a chance at inheriting millions and tessa says what does that have to do with this. the rich kill for greed too just more elegantly and isabelle says you mean they don't get their own hands dirty. nibbling on her gently

MORE hbf

tessas subtle hoodie and sunglasses look very funny to me personally

oh tessa charlie needs you :(

wegenast with the schüfeli funniest fucking thing

i am so much fonder of her after this than i was actually. also the triumvirate momence was real good

Yeah that was a good one :)

[jyndor]

My guess is that “this is a first for me” now refers to the fact that Cassian’s never been in prison while awaiting execution. He’s been sent to prison for crimes not punishable by death (not that prison wasn’t its own death sentence, at least on Narkina 5) but he’s never been locked in a cell knowing he could get a blaster bolt between the eyes within hours of being locked up. The Partisans were almost certainly planning to execute him, Chirrut and Baze; they just had to clear it with Saw first. As a secondary qualifier, it could also refer to the type of prison; it’s probably the smallest cell he’s ever been in, and it’s in a cave instead of an incarceration facility.

lol okay so i really went in on this as is my mo, not because anything you said is wrong or whatever lol it's your opinion. but it's sparked Discourse in my head rip

i feel like since the show aired i just haven't been explaining myself clearly with this but i'll try: i don't care what headcanon someone uses to handwave a thing that doesn't track 100%. i do it when something just doesn't track to ME or when i feel like telling canon to fuck off lol askdhasjdh but people will use their headcanon explanations to tell folks canon is still consistent. it's NOT lol it's a retconnnnnn

this is why i don't like retcons generally speaking. it just isn't that hard to stick to what canon already says, and while this one isn't really important at all (like it's a comment cassian makes offhandedly and can easily be handwaved like this) i think writers should try to avoid retcons (not always, sometimes things should be retconned because they're trash? but usually yeah retcons are meh). and then when you've got like a relatively small fandom like rogue one's that has been going along with what we all thought was canon until the show aired, it's extremely aggravating to be told that oh actually what we thought was true (even though until a few months ago it was) is not true anymore and aren't we crazy for not seeing that??? not that you have said any of that btw im not talking about you lol.

like i shouldn't have to qualify things to make them make sense with the main piece of media - which rogue one is. andor is a prequel to rogue one. rogue one is not a sequel to andor. andor has the responsibility to track with rogue one because it's supplementary material for rogue one. plus rogue one came out first. i shouldn't have to do mental gymnastics to make little moments in rogue one still make sense. and luckily i can divorce andor from rogue one pretty well and handwave shit and come up with my interpretations like yours and other fans' but we shouldn't HAVE to. it isn't a high bar to meet to be consistent.

when i analyze media, i always start with an out-of-universe (doylist) approach. i look for preconceived notions that might have influenced the writing, i look for motivations and at the history of the writers, etc. and then i can more easily take an in-universe (watsonian) approach. it's just hard for me to ignore inconsistencies, writer biases, real world context etc. probably because i have ocd and i am very literal. that's a personal problem lmfao.

so i can't even get there with things like this because it's obvious to me that tony gilroy, who did not write the film, wanted to tell a great story. he wanted to write what he wanted to write and wasn't super concerned with it lining up 100% with the film in a literal way. and he did. i mean all gripes aside andor is a fabulous show. easily the best thing i've seen all year. but i've still got my gripes lmfao.

in this case i think it's understandable that he'd do that because it actually doesn't make a whole lot of sense that cassian wouldn't have gotten caught by someone at some point. it is more reasonable that he would have. and for someone like the cassian in the show who is certainly anti-imperial, has politics despite what other people in the show say, but is not necessarily radicalized, yeah it makes sense that being sent to prison based on some bullshit xenophobic profiling would radicalize him. that is me doing some in-universe analysis btw.

but let's not kid ourselves. it doesn't fit with that line. before the show aired, not a single viewer thought he was lying or on some obi-wan bullshit with the "certain point of view" thing at that moment. yes, he's a liar. yes, he's a spy.

chirrut, who knows cassian is a captain not because cassian tells him he is but because of the force lol (this is why cassian gives him a weird look like 'how the fuck do you know that???'), takes him at his word and then says 'there is more than one sort of prison' meaning that just because cassian hasn't been literally locked up, it doesn't mean he doesn't have things that hold him back or imprison him metaphorically. that's the whole point of that moment - and lol it's actually kind of a more insulting retcon than I initially thought because chirrut reads cassian extremely well throughout the film with the force. but apparently he doesn't because he takes cassian at his word on jedha.

when cassian is about to go assassinate galen and he's avoiding jyn's eyes and being all shady lol, the camera keeps panning to chirrut looking away from the rest of the group but with a very disgusted expression on his face. he tells jyn that 'the force moves darkly around a creature that is about to kill' when she is like ??? the fuck do you mean by does cassian look like a killer?????

my point is that chirrut has a very good understanding of cassian's vibes in the force. chirrut takes him at his word on jedha but he is visibly disgusted by cassian on eadu. cassian actually being in prison before jedha changes chirrut's connection to the force for me. hmm now i'm mad LOL.

we were not intended to think cassian was lying on jedha. we were however intended to catch how shifty cassian was being on eadu - not making eye contact with jyn in a very overt way, not making a whole lot of sense to anyone, chirrut's callout, baze's deliberate use of "he has the face of a friend" but not that he IS a friend (although he is <333) because again. spy. mask. lying. that's what baze and chirrut call out on eadu, and what makes jyn realize that she fell for cassian's deception. it's really important that chirrut's connection to the force is credible because otherwise lol okay he's just some guy who fights well. he's not that - he's a guardian of the whills and his connection to the force is undeniable if not defined.

cassian's lying on eadu until he has his moment of truth. it's a different feel than his interactions with everyone else on jedha (although when he's talking to jyn about meeting tivik's sister he deliberately doesn't make eye contact).

cassian makes eye contact when he's being honest - the hangar scene, the eadu fight with jyn (which... lol im not even going there right now), definitely on scarif a number of times and most notably in the elevator. when he's lying, he gets avoidant.

that's a deliberate choice by the writers, director and diego ofc. in 2015/2016.

cut to 2020/2021 or whatever and tony gilroy, who did an immense amount of work on rogue one with the reshoots (allegedly mostly in the 3rd act of the film although that first scene with cassian is all him lol - also side note why couldn't he have cut the bor gullet smdh) to the point that he got a screenwriter's credit because of SWG(? the union idk) rules (totally fair of course, but i think a lot of people don't know that he didn't literally write the film or create cassian lol), is writing the best story he can and isn't really worrying about how much it tracks with minutiae from the film or like idk what pablo hidalgo wrote in guidebooks lol (pretty sure that's where the fest thing came from as well as him being 26 and jyn being 22? but also i mean im not sure if that hadn't been decided by the writers of the film).

i mean you'd have to ask him but im sure he'd say as much - that he wanted to tell a great story and as long as it was mostly consistent or could be considered consistent with who cassian will be in rogue one, it's easily handwaved or explained. and yeah that's true for most people but unfortunately for me i'm neurodivergent as hell with a hyperfixation on this dumb film and plus i have severe ocd so i notice discrepancies. and they annoy me.

i wanna be clear: i don't think this is the most egregious retcon of the show. not at all. but i'd like people to acknowledge that it is a retcon and that no, gareth edwards and chris weitz and gary whitta did not intend for cassian to be like "well actually what i meant is that technically, i have been imprisoned but i wasn't sentenced to death" or whatever reason we may now individually use to make it make sense. and i don't see a problem with doing that - i literally make headcanon all the time because canon ends in a way im sad about LOL. but this is headcanon. because canon doesn't track with itself.

also just a note: personally i think it's pretty clear cassian knows that narkina COULD be a death sentence. cassian understands narkina is dangerous as hell from the moment he steps his bare foot onto that metal floor. they fry people. he's smart, to me he knows it's a potential death sentence. but that's just my interpretation of the show.

i think the best way to handwave this retcon is to say cassian hasn't been imprisoned by rebels before or by alleged allies. or maybe in service of the rebellion.

*and cassian recognizes chirrut's force-ishness immediately, which is why he asks if he's a jedi. (it's why im like lol everyone just shut up about cassian not knowing what jedi are, i don't need an explanation for how he learns about them. i don't need them to make a big thing of whether or not cassian knows what jedi are because of course he does, jedi are in fact extremely well known in the galaxy and this is an area where im like tony gilroy stay on your lane XD)

[boyswanna-be-her]

Lmao the walk was super fun but only two people showed up (my biggest fan, who was obvs gonna be there, and a new friend who we both met at the same time through volunteering which is cute and fun, he's a p good deal younger than us). Since it was just the 3 of us, we hiked the WHOLE trail system and had a blast. Got lunch afterwards. I invited them to come out to the beach with me, and my friend decided to follow me straight out and new boy went home first but then flaked and never ended up coming to the beach.

So the clown dance continued, we swam and sunned and laughed, came back to my apartment, eventually got hungry and went to dinner, our third meal together in a row today. At every point they were hesitant to leave and happy to be invited to do the next thing. The only reason why we're not together now is that we're supposed to lift tonight at their place with someone else joining, so they headed back to their own side of town while I went home to take a shower.

This is actually a great holding pattern as far as I'm concerned. We spend as much time and I'd be willing to spend with someone I was dating, and I enjoy spending time with them more than being alone (USUALLY more, sometimes they're in a mood and I'd rather split). It's been so long since I've ACTUALLY enjoyed someone's company more than my own that I wasn't sure that would ever even happen again for me. I'm happy with this. The chemistry is there but--and holy shit i can't believe im saying this--I don't actually want to risk our friend...ship? Lmao? Who am i?

I also made an offhand comment about planning something fun and they responded "I don't really drink so that can make it hard" and of course in light of recent life changes on my side I'm like 👀👀👀 that is the opposite of a problem! But it also makes me sad bc they have been drinking with me some on our off hours and it sounds like they were just trying to keep up with me/not murder the vibe and that was SO not necessary. It also makes some stuff track more in retrospect (like "oh what was up with them that night?" ends up being "they were sleepy bc they dont drink booze normally"). Anyway, since it came up organically I told them that I was actually working on my sobriety and that it was difficult with my parents as enablers/people who want a drinking buddy from their child--and wouldnt you fucking know, bc we have everything else in common, they also have the SAME dynamic w their parents. And they seemed happy that sobriety was something I was thinking about and valued, but possibly more relieved that I actually DO enjoy our time together when we're both sober and want to do more of that.

We're finally getting into some deeper shit and I'm learning about their history and what makes them tick. Like they speak their mind super freely, but they are SO private about their family and personal life to the point that it feels almost too intimate to learn some of this shit that people who have known them longer are oblivious about. On the other hand, I'm a open book about everything I've been through and my mental health but good fucking luck getting an earnest take out of me on anything unless i deeply trust you. It makes for a weird game of learning about each other. I thanked them today for being a friend who's down to clown with all of my stupid suggestions and admitted that I normally just do everything alone but it's more fun with them. They expressed it all back to me. Alone for a long time, fine with that, surprised to find me, thankful for that too. It's just like, hm. Very comfy. And I don't worry about being wanted or wearing out my welcome, and I don't get taken advantage of, and they stand up for me and do nice things for me, and feed me and worry about me. That's such a nice change for me from being either The Provider or a person who wants for nothing or no one. It's scary to want someone in my life, even in this capacity, but it's more rewarding than I thought it could be without, yknow, actively trying to date or hook up. I feel like the possibility of something more is stalking us from location to location like the monster in It Follows--sometimes our knees are nestled together while we talk and it's breathing down our necks and sometimes we're both distracted and moody and it's not something either is thinking too much about, but fuck if it isn't always there and a thing I think we will inevitably make a choice about in the future but.

[binch-i-might-be]

RAY hewwo i am. Planning on getting a tattoo (not now obviously but like when im in uni probably) what’s ur advice on Getting Stabbed with Ink

okay so like. first of all do your research!! if you already have a particular style in mind, find an artist who does a lot of that. look at their portfolio on instagram. see if they post healed tattoos too (if they Don't. well ask yourself why not!)

before your appointment EAT A GOOD MEAL. DRINK WOTER. tattoo artists do not enjoy when you pass out!!!! getting a tattoo is super upsetting to The Body because it's basically inflicting an injury, it fucks with your circulation a lot. tattoo artists will also offer you something to drink and sometimes even sweets to keep your blood sugar up during the appointment, and for the first time I would recommend taking them up on that because you don't know yet how your body will react.

also don't be afraid to ask for a break for any reason. a good artist will tell you this before they start too.

you will bleed btw. some artists have told me that first time clients are sometimes surprised about this. the bleeding will increase the farther you get into the tattoo too as your body becomes more pissed lol.

as they go, they'll wipe your tattoo down A Lot to get the excess ink and blood out of the way, and that shit really starts to hurt after some time! be prepared!

when the deed is done, they'll usually let the tattoo rest for a few minutes and then take some pics. and then they'll wrap it up!

now there's two (three?) options here. either they'll go old school and just wrap that thang in cling wrap and tape it in place, which is a lot of work for you, or they'll slap on second skin.

the cling wrap is in my experience not as common these days, but safer when you already know you could have an allergic reaction to second skin (bad!). you can leave that on for a couple hours, but then you'll have to take it off and gently clean the area under running warm (not hot) water, then maybe let it breathe a bit, but DEFINITELY wrap it back up. a fresh tattoo is an open wound, and you need to protect it from outside grime lol. you'll have to do that every couple hours for a few days. you will leak Tattoo Goop. you will most likely need to sleep on a towel. it's generally not too much fun but what can ya do!

second skin on the other hand is way easier. it's a sticky transparent foil they just put On There and then it stays On There for up to seven days (depends on the brand). you can shower with it on and everything. it'll fill up with Tattoo Goop but it's fine, it won't really bother you. it's best taken off under warm running water. sometimes it leaves a sticky residue but that'll fall off in time.

now for the secret third option, this has only happened to me once. the artist slapped a Thing that was basically a big fat menstrual pad on me and then wrapped me up in cling wrap. that thing absorbed the Tattoo Leakage for the first couple hours, but from then on, it was normal cling wrap business. I was very confused by this!

artists will give you instructions on aftercare and probably recommend some creams. basically just wash that thang with water (and unscented soap? I don't do that, just use water) and put some tattoo aftercare cream on top. thin layer, we don't want to smother it.

I usually do that for uhhh as long as it feels right basically lol. maybe a week or two after the second skin comes off? a tattoo will need about six to eight weeks to fully heal, but it doesn't need intensive care the entire time.

oh and there is an itchy stage. it will drive you insane <3

now for a more unfun addendum, the tattoo industry is RIFE with racism. some artists think they can't tattoo people who are not paper white because the colours won't show up properly. this is because they're bad artists and don't know what they're doing.

try to look for artists who do have darker skin tones in their portfolio so you can be sure they aren't cunts and won't fuck you over.

anyway I think that's all. hope this helped!

[7ndipity]

Hiii love!

I am so happy you are at 2k!! Thats such a thing to be proud of! I am so proud of you.

For me for the ship game:

5'9, plus size, Green eyes, black hair, glasses. Kinda plain looking.

INFP for MBTI or however you spell that lol. Leo x 5 which I still can't get over >.<

I would adore something romantic because- I'm me and romance is my lifeblood!

I love winter, christmas, valentines day, birthdays thanksgivings any reason to have a get-together I'll do it. I love history, I love the complexity of people and music, and art I could stare at the ocean for hours or an aquarium. Taking in the splendor of ones surroundings is a pastime that should never die.

Im a hopless romantic at heart for anything and everything lol.

Been told im a old soul whatever that means- took too many philosophy classes in college so have too many thoughts. Told im loud and a mess which I will agree to the second statement.

I love effort and time and adventures, I am the mom friend, the leader, the one who plans, the one who worries.

Id love to see who you ship me with ^-^

Hi Bestie! Thank you!😚

Not exactly a surprise here, I ship you with Yoongi, and to a lesser extent Jin! They're both also introverts, and lowkey hopeless romantics(Jin's literally admitted that) who show their affection more through actions more than words, so I think you'd connect well on that front.

I think they'd both would find your passion for things like history and music really attractive(Yoongi especially), and the fact that you can take the lead, but still slow down and appreciate your surroundings and just be.(I could totally see them loving trips to the beach where y'all can just sit and breathe)

Yoongi's also referred to as an old soul and tends to take on the caretaker role in his friendships/relationships, so having someone who can take that weight off him sometimes and look out for him instead would be really comforting.

I hope this was okay!💜

[thatguyoversea]

felt like doing a little bit of writing so I am going to do it here :) it's under the split

this is my first time properly writing so I do hope it turns out good!

mentions: self harm, description of hallucination

(THIS ISN'T A VENT BTW!!!)

i leave the cabin, searching. it has been ages. most certainly not an eternity, but a long time. i wave goodbye to the old man who gave me shelter. he does not know what i search for. i don't know what I search for. but I search for those who cannot.

hours pass. or days. i could stop and find out, but I must search. i do not know why i search, but it was meant to be, presumably. through my search, i encounter many things. goats. others searching. bodies. snow. many did not survive their search, but many more do not know they must search. that's who i like to think i search for.

the unknowing. those who believe they don't need to search for their unknown. those left to sit and rot in their existence, unaware and prevented from becoming aware of their search. that's who I like to think i search for. the unknowing.

i come across a pile of ended searches. a pile of unfinished endings. yet another pile of stories cut short. it's sad, really. the amount of carefully planned tales which never reach their promised resolution. i like to think that since they got here, they at least reached their climax of their story. the 'pièce de résistance' of their play. i like to think things a lot. and sometimes i am right. but thinking doesn't help the search. my story doesn't require a lot of thinking. just doing. so i do.

i reach a summit. then, another. to any other, they could be their resolution. their final point. at this point, they're free. from it all. no more for them. their summits are gone. their stories told. their writers finished with them. i am not so lucky.

for every summit i conquer, my only gain is the knowledge of others endings. i truly wish I did not. i get to know what i could have if i gave in. a happy life. content. indulgent, at some points. but i do not search for my ending. i search for others endings, for the unknowing cannot do it themself.

i catch a glance of an object. an unfamiliar piece in a new, untold story. perhaps it is somebody elses macguffin. or their own victory in itself. but it calls. it yearns to be taken. it calls that its destiny is already broken. do not take it, and it will stay there forever, it calls. do not trust it. it's lying. to pull you away from your purpose. to free others, unknowing, and unaware, from their story. you'll call final curtains on their play, and they'll be truly happy. their audience applauds. your audience applauds. they want an encore. something to mix up the story.

i walk over to the object. it is shiny under the white-filled sky. i could describe it better, but my story is not for thinking. it is for doing. the item is in my hand. i have hands. the item fills them both at once. it is heavy. it calls me to give my audience an encore. it is sharp. and long. it calls for me. an encore for my audience. to finish my story with a twist. i have no choice but to oblige. why would I find this if it was not put in my story for me?

i drive the sword into myself. my intentions are not for an end, or so I hope. i am uncertain. i am unknowing of my own fate in this moment. as i fall onto the white ground, filled with other drafted characters of interest, i like to tell myself that im not going to end up like them. they're different than me. and that i am correct.

i like to think things a lot. and sometimes i am right.

my vision shifts from a newly bloodied white covered summit to a bright shifting of colors. a vivid dream of hue. i attempt to change my viewpoint, but it does not shift. i am staring now at a spiral of blues and reds. there are colors i do not know, and colors i do know.

after i stare at this for a potential eternity (although it is not likely), i come to a conclusion. a piece of truth beneath the ever-spiralling rainbow. it has taken me an unknown amount of time to get used to these bright, shifting shades. they do not repeat on themselves. i am unlike the hues. i repeat thoughts many times. i end on a conclusion that leaves me content, for the potential (but unlikely) eternity being.

this is a great place for a final curtain.

[itsme-ayunda]

20.02.2023

I dont know where I should start to write. I should have started writing regularly but sometimes Im loosing mood to write. Though I have alot things to tell.

- We started talking again.

It was 2 weeks ago he suddenly called. And we felt awkward after several months not talking or even is just sharing funny meme on instagram. I dont know what makes him call again. Then become regular talking just like it used to. Sometimes I dont pick up the call due to the hour he called or sometimes I feel dont have urge to talk with him. My feeling is not the same as it was when it comes to talk with him :)

But its good that we talk again. I feel a bit better when I have someone I can talk to. Sometimes its distracted me to do something. Even one time I was about to harm myself then his call appear on the screen. Then I leave my knife and pick his call. And pretend that I wasnt do anything.

- My condition

I feel excited for this year, with some resolutions and dreams I planned. But its just February and my condition is worse than previous year. The urge of suicide is bigger, every step every hour every second Im thinking about how I end my life. The safety one so it won't hurting me or bothering other people.

I feel exhausted. With my self and people. My family that I dont know are they still my family ? I worked alone. I sacrifices everything for them. But they always want prioritize without even thinking my condition and what I did. Do they think im okay ? Do they think I dont need help ? And do they think im still alive, here, stand still, because i want to ? No because I love them. I love mom. I dont want to leave them just like this because I know they're not prepared enough to be left.

I always forced to understanding them buy they never understanding me.

- Friendship

Last year I took a big decision of leaving my 20 years of friendship. I feels like im the only one who reached her. Always. Its just because im scared not having someone that I can stick to anymore so it changed me to be a pleasing people. And thats not good for me. Because its hurting me at the end.

I told her about something and she never makes time to at least listened. I told her about my decision to buy a house for the example and she said something that makes me breakdown. Well its not happened only once but several times. So I end the relationship and I dont need friendship again I guess.

The only friendship I considered only chris and ibrahim who leaving far away. And thats okay. I just need friend and not more than that.

[gonnagocrynow]

kinda wanna go off in a long ass rant about everything that's wrong in my life rn but that will just make me sad so here's a long ass rant about everything that's right in my life rn

I started drawing/painting again and some of it is finally positive. I made something for my friend and I'm excited to see her reaction. I've planned something else for another one of my friends and am excited to make it and see her reaction. I bunked a class and got caught but not scolded (by the teacher or my parents). Infact my mom told me "It's ok kids bunk sometimes, its that age, just don't do it too often". I got an appreciation award thingy for work I did that I thought was being taken for granted. A teacher who literally doesn't even remember my name half the time and gives me a lot of work finally praised me and called me the backbone of the club. I wrote a sexy af answer for an english question (which unfortunately my teacher didn't read but the satisfaction stays). My friend read the answer and specifically praised one certain line that I was really proud of. I saw Enola Holmes 2 which I loved. I made 2 random posts about it on tumblr and got like 300 notes on each of them overnight (now they're 500 and 600 notes). Finally actually talked in a group that I was part of but rarely texted in. My mom who isn't very supportive of me doing clubwork or being part of clubs put up the appreciation award I got right in front of the door so anyone who walks in will be able to see it. I listened to my cry song without crying or feeling sad for the 1st time ever. I sat in the park for an hour during which I just listened to music and did the sudoku instead of staring at my phone or something. A cat was running away from me when I pspssed it but when I stopped, it came back to me. I got invited to a new friend's bday party. I did questions from a chapter that I thought was pretty tough. I missed 2 classes but still managed to catch up (mentally, the notes though...). I started working on something that I'm gonna give to all my old, new and current friends when school ends. I talked to my sister after ages, like just talked about random shit instead of calling to ask each other for help. (tw??) I haven't stood in front of a mirror checking if my belly looks good or not for like a week now. My outfit looked good for like 3 continuous days. A smart kid asked for my help with a question. My smart friend who I always check my answers with, checked his answers with me. And I was right. He still wears a bracelet thingy I got for him like a month ago. One of my friends told me I'm an excellent story teller. She also almost cried cuz she was laughing so hard at what I was telling her. One of my friends gave me one of her rings to keep. Her bf is being petty about it (in a friendly way). One of my friends said my posts are always a vibe. I made a reel for my friend's bday and everyone commented saying it's very creative and I made sexy edits.

ok that's enough for now ig, im sleepy and this is TMI, if someone who knows me irl comes across this they would immediately realize it's me so bye

I feel better now

[nichuuu]

Sociopath: Chapter 17 - Exit Music

I hold Nayeon's hand as we both listen to the steady beep of her heart monitor, anxiously awaiting the results of her check-up. The doctor finally comes into the ward, clipboard in hand.

"H-How is she doctor?" I ask. He smiles at me and nods.

"The filters were able to get out the smoke from her lungs. Aside from a couple of burns here and there, she's relatively unscathed. She's free to be discharged tomorrow," the doctor says.

I heave a sigh of relief, suddenly feeling really tired.

"Kamsahamida," Nayeon whispers. The doctor nods and walks out, giving us our own private time.

"Told you you'd be okay," I smile. She smiles back and squeezes my hand.

"Of course...you work wonders," she chuckles. I manage a tired smile as I lean back in the hospital chair. What a day...

Knock knock knock

Oh for fucks sake.

A nurse peeks her head through the door.

"Miss Im, you have visitors."

"At this hour?" Nayeon asks. The nurse nods.

"They're police officers," the nurse says. My heart sinks...I thought they would be coming tomorrow...

"Alright...let them in..." Nayeon sighs. The nurse nods and steps out. A few seconds later, Hyejin and Nayeon's father walk in.

"Nayeon-a..." her father says as he runs to her. He embraces her tightly and strokes her hair.

"Are you alright?"

"Yea...the doctor said I'm fine Appa...just a few burns here and there..."

"That's good...how do you feel?"

The two of them go back and forth, with Nayeon's father repeatedly asking questions related to Nayeon's welfare and Nayeon replying with yes and nos.

"Psst...Sang-woo-ssi..."

I turn and see Hyejin.

"Could I have a word?" she whispers. I nod and silently follow her right outside the ward. As I close the door, Hyejin sighs.

"Your hunch was...unfortunately right..." she begins. From her pocket, she produces a photo. In the photo, a wall has a familiar message written on it...one that I've seen on all the walls of our outlets.

IM NAYEON IS A BITCH

"Shit..." I huff, running a hand through my hair. "So...we have to go along with the plan right?"

She nods solemnly.

"Yes...we'll put her under protective custody in one of our safe-houses..."

I squeeze my eyes shut as I process the reality of this situation...someone's actually trying to kill Nayeon...

"Are you sure you want to proceed with this?" she asks. I nod reluctantly.

"It's for her safety..."

Hyejin nods.

"Then it's best we let her know..."

I purse my lips...how would she take this?

"Do you want me to do it or..." Hyejin questions. I shake my head.

"I think that it's best if I do it..." I suggest. She nods in agreement and we re-enter the ward.

"Are you sure you're fine?"

"Yes, Appa...how many times do I have to say it?"

"Are you sure? Cause if not I-"

I clear my throat. Nayeon's father turns and looks at us.

"Detective Im...we need to tell her something," Hyejin helpfully inputs. He nods and steps away. I slowly walk towards Nayeon and sit back down next to her.

"Is...is everything okay babe?" she whispers. I smile and gently grasp her hand.

"N-Not exactly..." I begin. "Nayeon...I asked Hyejin-ssi to do some digging and...we found out that the person who burnt down the outlets...is the same person who tried to burn you alive..."

"I-Isn't that good? Doesn't that give you a link? Can't you guys like...slove it faster now?" She asks.

"Nayeon-ssi...with all due respect, solving a crime takes time...it takes days, weeks and sometimes even months...even with a link, we have to examine all the evidence in order to deduce who burnt down your outlets, and even after we've found the culprit, the chase can take up to years sometimes..." Hyejin explains.

"T-That's okay...we just have to stay safe till then right?" She asks. I shake my head.

"Nayeon...you're safety is important to me...I...I don't want to lose you..." I say. "So...till we catch the culprit...y-you're gonna be placed under protective custody...somewhere safe...somewhere away from all this..."

"B-But...you'll be there right?"

I shake my head.

"Nayeon...me being there will compromise my safety...the SMPA can only do so much to hide one person...but two? It's like trying to fit a giraffe inside a piece of luggage..."

"W-Wait...s-so I'm...I'm gonna be..."

I turn to face her Appa and Hyejin.

"Give us a moment, please," I request. They nod and quickly walk out.

"Nayeon..."

"No...n-not again...please..." she whispers, tears forming in her eyes.

"Baby...this is for your own safety..."

"C-Can't they hide us b-both? T-they can r-right? T-They can fly us off s-somewhere."

"Nayeon."

"They can let us live somewhere together, they can-"

"Nayeon..."

"I-I know who's trying to get me...I-If I can tell them maybe they-"

"Nayeon!"

She looks up at me, eyes full of tears.

"T-They s-said it can take years honey...I-I...I can't...I can't..."

She breaks down for the nth time today. I do my best to keep my calm as I squeeze her hand.

"Don't cry Nayeon..." I whisper as I caress her face, wiping away the tears that roll down her cheeks, being careful to avoid the area where her uncle slapped her in. She filled me in on some details on the ambulance ride here...I should really tell these to Hyejin and her Appa...

"I-I don't want...I don't want to..."

"I know Nabong...I know..." I whisper.

I hold her close, doing my best to choke back my tears as I comfort her. We've both been through hell today...it's been exhausting...but I can't break down, not in front of her.

"I don't think it'll take that long Nabong...I'm sure Hyejin and you're Appa are skilled people...they'll find your uncle for sure...but you have to tell them everything you can remember so that they have enough evidence and information..."

She stays silent, only sniffling in my arms.

"A-Are you sure?" She whispers.

I nod.

"Hyejin is a talented individual...if she works with your Appa well...I'm sure they can catch him."

She nods slowly.

"I-I trust you..."

"I know you do baby..."

She manages to force a smile as she touches her bunny necklace.

"I have this to remind me of you too..." she whispers. She lifts her left hand and pulls off the ring on her middle finger, the ring given to her by her Eomma. She takes my hand and slides the ring on.

"And now...you have this to remind you of me..." she smiles.

"N-Nayeon...t-this is your Eomma's ring...I-I can't accept this..."

"Too bad..." she says as she squeezes my hand. She's trying to be positive, I can feel it.

"My Eomma would be okay with this either way..."

I stare at the ring, then back into her tired, swollen eyes. Her small smile says it all as she stares at me, her expression telling me all that I need to know.

"W-When will this start?" She whispers.

"Tomorrow morning...they'll take you to the safe house then..."

She smiles.

"Great...then at least we have tonight..."

She closes the distance between us, planting her lips on mine.

"Let's tell the two outside to leave us alone...I want to spend tonight with you before I leave tomorrow..." she whispers. To be honest...I can't turn down that offer.

"Sure..."

Her lips find mine once again.

"Give me a night to remember you by..."

***

The next day comes in an unfortunate blink of an eye and Nayeon has to be taken to the safe house. After being discharged, Hyejin is nice enough to give us 2 hours alone for Nayeon to pack after Nayeon tells her the horrific details of last nights events. Due to Nayeon being...well, Nayeon, she uses the time her full advantage, immediately pouncing on me and devouring my lips. One thing led to another and of course, we ended up having sex for the first hour. After a well deserved clean up, I helped Nayeon to pack her things for her long stay in the safe house.

"Tsk...how do I know what to pack if I don't know where I'm going?" Nayeon huffs. I smile and hug her from behind.

"I doubt they'll hide you overseas...you'll be somewhere in Korea for sure..." I whisper. She smiles and kisses me.

"Thank god. No way am I gonna be a whole country away from you."

I smile.

"Of course."

She gently squeezes my hands, before one hand travels up to the back of my head.

"Promise to call me everyday..." She whispers.

"I promise honey...I'll call you every night okay?" I say.

"I'll be waiting..."

We kiss, for the nth time today. Both of us find comfort in simple moments like these, where it's just the two of us, lost in our own world as we melt into each other, letting love take control of us.

"Aish...you're sidetracking me! Come on! I gotta pack!" She giggles. I roll my eyes

"Alright, alright...let's get to it."

I help her to pack in her house wear while she goes around the house, gathering her essential items and some forms of entertainment for the days ahead. Neither of us know how long she'll be kept there, so it's best to bring as much entertainment as possible. Chaeng and Mina affectionately donated the Nintendo Switch to Nayeon as soon as they found out, making just love that adorable couple even more. Sana and Dahyun donated a couple of books, which surprised me cause...well...it's Dahyun and Sana, I didn't expect them to own books...

"Jagi! I'm too short to reach this! Help me!" She calls out. I zip up the suit case and quickly run to her where she called me from. As I walk into her board game room, I see her reaching for the chess board. I quickly walk over and take it down for her, along with the accompanying chess pieces. As a token of her thanks, she pecks me on the lips.

"You're the best," she smiles. I peck her back and give her hand a squeeze.

"Only the best for you," I snigger, stealing her phrase.

"Should have claimed copyright on that phrase. Help me lock this room," she laughs before tossing me a set of keys.

"Why me?" I ask.

"I like keeping things locked by the people I love," she smiles. I smile back and lick up the trim as instructed.

We finish packing up the rest of her things and soon, it's time for her to go.

"Be safe, Nayeon," Chang-sun bows. Nayeon nods at him.

"You too Chang-sun...make sure to feed Kookeu yea?"

"I will," he assures her. I nod at him and we walk out to the front of her house

I can't help but feel a sense of dread as we wait for the car that'll take her away to come as we hold hands with each other, enjoying our last few moments together.

"I'll miss you," she says.

"Ya...you're making it sound as if we're leaving and never seeing each other again," I chuckle. She manages a small laugh as she uses her free hand to touch her bunny necklace.

"I won't be taking this off," she declares. I smile and raise my right hand, where her Eomma's ring sits on my ring finger.

"And I won't be taking this off either," I smile. She smiles and moves closer to me, resting her head on my shoulder.

"Let's hope that this investigation can end soon..." she whispers, echoing the thought that I have in my head.

"It will honey..." I assure her, knowing full well that it can take months. At this juncture, the black SUV rounds the corner. Nayeon lifts her head off my shoulder and straightens herself, a sigh escaping her mouth as I give her hand a squeeze. The SUV stops in front of us and out steps Hyejin.

"You guys ready?" She asks. Nayeon nods and we roll her things to the trunk. The driver steps out and helps to load her things in.

"She'll be safe right?" I ask Hyejin. She nods.

"Ne, we'll have guards in the vicinity guarding at all times. No one will be getting in any time soon."

That's good enough for me.

"Thank you for doing this Hyejin-ssi..." I say. She waves it off.

"It's the least I can do. By the the way, Detective Im is requesting for your presence at the office building, so there's a car coming to get you after this."

I nod.

"Alright."

Hyejin turns to Nayeon.

"Ready to go?"

"Give me a second," she replies. She quickly runs up to me and hugs me, squeezing me tight.

"I just realised that I have no phone...he took it," she whispers. My heart sinks slightly as I now realise I have no form of communication with her.

"Ah...well...I guess we'll write letters..."

Hyejin clears her throat.

"Sorry to burst the bubble but uh...we can't let you communicate with her while she's there, it'll be too dangerous. We'll give her 10 minute protected calls every night, she can talk to you then."

My heart sank even further.

"Oh...okay then..." I say. Nayeon looks a little disappointed too...but doesn't say anything.

"Guess I'll call you at that time then..." She whispers, tears starting to form in her eyes. I hold it together and wipe them away.

"I guess you will...see you my bunny," I say before giving her a kiss.

"See you...I love you," she breathes back. We reluctantly let go of each other and she walks to the open door of the SUV. She turns and gives me one last smile before disappearing inside.

"Stay safe Nayeon..." I whisper as I watch the SUV drive away.

***

The elevator dings as I reach the reach the top floor of the office. The doors open, revealing a whole crew of people dressed in hazmat suit lookalikes as they bustle around, snapping photos and examining the place as I walk in.

"Ah! Sang-woo-ssi, there you are!" Nayeon's father says as he walks up to me. I now politely.

"Annyeong, Abeonim."

"I'm glad you're here. Come, we need you on the scene to help us," he says as he puts an arm around me and guides me into the scene.

"The Forensics team and the fire department have deduced that this was some sort of Kerosene fire."

I nod my head, expressing my understanding.

"So from what I heard, Nayeon said that it was her uncle that did it, is that correct?" He begins. I nod my head and he continues.

"With that being said...we'll need access to your security cameras, but your security guards say that they don't have access to it, only you and Nayeon do...can you take me there?"

"Sure thing, follow me," I say as I lead him to the camera room, which Nayeon kept behind a secret door in her office. I feel around the slightly charred walls, looking for the false wall as Nayeon's dad watches intently. My hand brushes across the latch and I grasp it, pulling on it to reveal the number pad.

"S-Small problem..." I said.

"What is it?"

"She uh...she never told me the password."

He huffs.

"Dammit...okay...I'll get the team to try and look for clues so that we can crack it..."

The gears in my head turn as I stare at the number pad.

I like to keep my things locked by the ones I love...

"H-Hold on," I say as I reach forward and input a code.

1520

CLICK

The door unlocks.

Gosh I love you Nayeon.

I slide the door open euphorically, revealing the room filled with monitors.

"Got it," I smile. Abeonim blinks a couple of times before walking in. I head over to the keyboard and start typing in yesterday's date. I start first forwarding on the footage, searching for the time where I left.

"Here..." I say as I stop it, letting the video play by itself.

"Wanna grab a bite?"

"Nah...could you get something for me? I want to finish up the rest of the expenses so we can preferably get at least five hours of sleep."

Video me smiled and stood up, stretching.

"Alright...be back in a jiffy," I said as I walked over and pecked her on the cheek. I walk out of the office and shut the door behind me.

I watch intently as Nayeon gets back to work. Her hands gracefully fly across the keyboard as she stares at the screen.

Suddenly, the footage is filled with static and the screen goes blank. I hit the space button on the keyboard, thinking that it is some sort of glitch.

"What's going on?" Abeonim asks behind me.

"I-I don't know...there's some sort of error..." I say as I try reloading the footage, but get no luck.

"I-It's not working..." I huff.

"Let me try," he says as he gestures for me to step aside. As I let him take over, my phone starts to ring. I pull it out of my pocket to silence it but stop when I see the caller ID.

Nabong 🐰

Nayeon doesn't have her phone with her...

"Abeonim," I call out to him. He turns and I point at the phone. He stops what he's doing and turns his attention to me.

"Put it on speaker," he instructs. I nod and answer the call, putting the phone on speaker as I instructed.

"Yeoboseyo?"

"Ah...I was wondering if you'd pick up...I was just watching you talk to him and thought that you'd drop the call!"

That voice...

It's the voice from yesterday.

"Who are you?" I ask.

"Oh? You don't know me? My, my! Nayeon must've done a poor job filling you in then!"

My blood goes cold.

How does he know?

"Ah...got you in a pickle haven't I? Don't lie to me, I see your reaction. Say hi to the camera!"

It takes a moment but things finally register.

This is Nayeon's uncle...

I look up at the camera in the security room, only to see it moving from side to side, as if it was waving...

He hacked our security system.

"All that security in the office and you still can't stop me..."

"Don't be so smug...we have three back up cameras in the office."

"Oh you think I don't know about that? I know everything about that building Mr Park, and I also know everything about you..."

"What the hell do you want?"

He chuckles.

"I'm just a business man doing business, Mr Park...but the real question is: what does your Eomma want? Say hi Eomeonim!"

"S-Sang-woo! P-Please do as the m-man says..."

My heart stops.

"Surprised? I can see that you are!"

"Saekki..." I growl. He laughs.

"Oh my! What harsh language! I wonder how your Eomma would feel..."

"Don't you dare touch her!"

"I won't...but if you don't come to the porridge restaurant in 30 minutes...the terms may change...and don't bother bringing my weak brother with you, if I see so much as one police vehicle in the vicinity...I sure hope that my suit doesn't get stained red..."

With that, he hangs up.

"I have to go," I say, before turning to run out of the office.

"Sang-woo-ssi! Wait!" Abeonim calls out, but I don't bother to turn back.

Time is ticking...

***

When I arrive, I see that the lights to the Seolleongtang restaurant are off, the place devoid of people. The same can be said for the upper floor as I make my way up the stairs, the place unusually silent. The glass door to Eomma's restaurant is left wide open, sending an involuntary shudder down my spine.

"Eomma?" I call out as I step into the restaurant. The chairs and tables are left untouched, the place deathly silent.

"Eomma? Are you there?" I call out again. I suddenly feel something cool pressed again and I freeze.

"Hands up," a gruff voice says as I hear the sound of a gun cocking. I gulp.

"What-"

"Walk!" The voice commands as a hand pushes me forward. I put my hands up in the air and start walking forward, towards the backroom.

"Open the door!" The voice commands yet again. I silently comply as I reach the handle slowly, pushing open the door. The hand roughly grabs my shoulders and pushes me in. My captor kicks the back of my knees, pushing me down roughly at the same time as I'm forced to my knees. They cool barrel of the gun comes into contact with the back of my head wants more as I force myself to calm down.

"Hello Sang-woo..."

I turn my head and see a man walking into the backroom, dragging a chair with someone in it behind him. He drags the chair in front of me, and my eyes widen when I see the occupant who is tied to it.

Eomma.

Her entire body trembles as she looks around, her vision blocked by the blindfold tied around her eyes. The man who spoke just now walks to my Eomma's side.

"Why...how disrespectful! Say hi to your mother," he says.

"Eomma...don't be afraid...everything's gonna be okay," I assure her.

"S-Sang-woo?" She stammers.

"Yes...it's me Eomma, don't be scared...you're gonna be just fine..."

The man laughs.

"What empty promises...are these the same things that you tell Nayeon?"

I focus my gaze on him.

"What the fuck do you want asshole?" I growl.

Thump

The captor behind me knees me in the ribs, knocking the wind from my lungs as I fall onto my side, clutching the right side of my chest. The man in front of me clicks his tongue in disapproval.

"Where are your manners Park Sang-woo?" He chuckles as he kneels in front of me.

"Now...allow me to introduce myself. I am Im Sung-woon, eldest son of Im Dae-hyun. Nice to meet you."

I can't even formulate a reply as I gasp for breath. He smiles and stands up straight, dusting himself off.

"You, Mr Park, have been a very...very big pain in the ass...somehow, some lower class scum like you can singlehandedly ruin my plan with a single fire extinguisher ...gosh...it makes me so mad! Do you know what that feels like, Sang-woo?"

I stay silent. With a guttural yell, he kicks me in the ribs. An acute pain shoots up my chest and I swear I hear something crack.

"ANSWER ME!"

"N-No..." I cough. He seems satisfied with that answer as he walks up behind Eomma.

"Well...to put it into perspective...this is how it feels like..."

He grabs Eomma's hair and pulls it back, making her scream.

"STOP!" I manage to yell. I try to get up to my feet, but my captor presses his boot against my face, keeping me glued to the floor. Sung-woon let's go of my mother's hair and chuckles.

"Doesn't feel good does it? Do you know how disappointing it is, to watch a plan that you formulated for months crumble before you?"

I shake my head. He sighs and puts his hands into his coat pocket.

"So...you may be wondering why I got you here today..right?"

I nod my head, going along with this to ensure my Eomma's safety.

"Today...I'm giving you a chance to redeem yourself. A chance to make up for the big mistake you made..."

He smiles and crouches down next to Eomma.

"All you have to do, is tell me where Nayeon is hiding."

"W-What do you mean?"

He laughs.

"Oh don't play dumb with me! I know that Nayeon's been moved to a SMPA safe house...but there's so many...so tell me...which one was she transferred to?"

"I don't know..."

He sighs.

"I knew you'd say that..."

From his coat pocket, he pulls out a hand gun and trains it onto Eomma's head. My heart races as he racks the slide, chambering a round into the pistol.

"Looks like we'll have to resort to this then," he says as he presses the gun to Eomma's temple. "Now tell me...where is Nayeon hiding?"

"I told you, I don't know!"

"I'll give you 10 seconds. If you don't give me a solid answer, I'll blow her brains out."

"I'm telling you! I don't know!"

"10."

"I seriously don't know where she is!"

"9."

"They didn't tell me where they put her!"

"8."

Tears are beginning to sting my eyes.

"7."

"I really don't know!"

"6."

"Please! I'm telling the truth!"

"5."

"I don't know! I really don't!"

"4."

"Please! You don't have to do this!"

"3."

"Please!"

"2."

"I really don't know where she is!"

"1."

"I DON'T KNOW!" I scream, tears flowing down my cheeks. My heart thumps in my chest I stare tearfully at my Eomma.

"I really don't know...please...don't kill her..."

He stares at me, raising his eyebrows as he thinks.

"Are you telling the truth?"

"I am...I swear to you...I'm telling the truth..."

He scoffs. He holsters his gun and sighs.

"Fine...I believe you..."

He looks at my captor.

"Untie her."

I look up and see my captor point at himself.

"Me?"

Sung-woon rolls his eyes.

"No, the wall. Of course it's you! Hurry up!"

My captor in the ski mask quickly runs over. He passes his gun to Sung-won before working on Eomma's ties. The rope binding her to the chair drops to the floor, freeing my mother. Sung-woon unties the blindfold and smiles at Eomma.

"Go on, run to your son."

Eomma stands up shakily and stares at him.

"C-Can I?"

He nods.

"Yes, go."

With a smile, she turns and starts making her way to me.

"Sang-"

BANG.

My mother is cut short by a gunshot. I watch in horror as she looks down, a crimson flower of blood blooming from the right side of her chest.

"O-Oh..."

She drops to the floor, revealing the smoking barrel of Sung-woon's gun.

"Whoops..." he chuckles as he blows the smoke away.

"EOMMA!" I cry as I run over to my mother. Her breathing is ragged as I quickly remove my handkerchief and press it against the wound. Blood immediately begins to soak the cloth, turning it a dark shade of red.

"Poor Sang-woo...you should know that the world is cruel..." Sung-woon laughs as he trains the gun on me.

"No witnesses..." he smiles as his finger moves to the trigger.

"Sir!"

Another man in a ski mask runs into the room.

"SMPA vehicles are coming sir! We need to go!"

Sung-woon sighs.

"Can't I kill him?" He asks.

"S-Sir! The vehicles are almost here! We must go!"

Sung-woon glares at me as he passes the gun back to his goon.

"Looks like fate saved you this time...tell anyone about this...and I'll make sure your Appa is next...come on! Let's go!"

The three of them flee through the back door, leaving me and Eomma alone.

"S-Sang-woo?"

I turn my attention back to my mother who is bleeding out as we speak.

"Shhh...it's okay, Eomma...you're gonna be okay..."

She nods, her eyes gazing deep into mine.

"Sang-woo-ya...I love you so much..."

I nod, tears beginning to blur my vision.

"I know, Eomma...I know..."

She smiles and lifts her hand up to touch my cheek.

"You've always been such a...such a good boy...always helping me...always seeing the good in people..."

"S-Save your breath Eomma..."

She turns her head and coughs, blood splattering on the floor next to her. My heart sinks...this isn't good...I hurriedly pull out my phone, but Eomma's hand on mine stops me.

"There's...no time..."

"Eomma if I call for help now we can-"

"L-Listen...Y-You have a gift Sang-woo...your heart...you...have a heart of gold...you're always ready to help others...I-It's a-a shame...that...that I have to leave this behind..."

I reach up and squeeze her hand.

"What are you talking about? Y-Your gonna be just fine...I-I can call for help..."

She smiles sweetly.

"My darling...my...my dear boy...you've been Eomma's pride and joy...you're my star...my light...my little angel..."

Her eyes become glassy as she pats my cheek.

"Eomma's so proud of you...keep it up okay?"

I nod and squeeze her hand tighter.

"H-Hold on Eomma, I can-"

She squeezes my cheek. She wipes my tears with her thumb, her breath growing shallower and shallower by the second.

"Don't...cry Sang-woo...you have to be strong...be strong for everyone...okay?"

Her grip on my cheek begins to grow weak.

"Eomma?"

"L...Look after A...Appa for me..." She whispers, her breathing becoming laboured

Her pupils begin to dilate.

"E...omma...will always...love you..."

She exhales, her chest falling. Her hand goes slack in mine and her eyes stare at the ceiling. I wait...wait for her chest to rise again...wait for her to just sit up and say that's she's playing a prank...but it doesn't happen.

"E-Eomma?" I choke as I gently shake her body.

No response.

"Eomma...this isn't funny...please...wake up..."

No response.

"Eomma...p-please..." I whisper as I let the tears fall. Her eyes remain glued to the same spot, her body limp and unmoving. I turn and face the stairwell.

"HELP! SOMEONE HELP!" I yell, tears falling down my cheeks. I turn my attention back to my mother and I caress her cheeks.

"Eomma...p-please...d-don't go...I-I l-love you...please..."

Her response never comes...what should be her voice is replaced by thundering footsteps as my ears ring.

"HELP! OVER HERE!" I cry.

The floor vibrates as my vision blurs, my own tears stinging my eyes.

"Y-You're gonna b-be okay...you're gonna be okay..." I sob as I cradle her head, curling myself up as I hold her close to me.

"SMPA! Fre..."

I turn and see Hyejin pointing a gun at me. I look at her as our gazes lock with each other. She takes a look at me, then at my Eomma, lying limp in my hands. The fire in her eyes dies down as she uses an open palm to stop the other men climbing up the stairs. She holsters her gun and runs towards us.

"Get an ambulance! Now!" She yells as she crouches down next to me.

"S-She'll be okay...right?" I whisper. Hyejin stays silent as she gently presses two fingers against the under region of Eomma's chin. Her hand stays there for a moment before she slowly retracts it.

"I'll give you some time alone..." she whispers as she stands up. I hear her footsteps fade away as I stare into my Eomma's eyes, the eyes that were once filled with joy, with light and with love. The same eyes that used to gaze into mine as gentle hands wiped tears cascading down my cheeks, the smell of home cooked porridge wafting into my nose as comforting words were whispered.

But that seemed so far away now...

Distant memories that I can only hold on to...along with the other memories and her last words to me.

Eomma will always love you.

I squeeze my eyes shut as the tears fall, droplets splattering against the wooden floor as they mix with her blood. I force myself to lay her body on the floor, finding it hard to let go of her. With tremulous hands, I use two fingers to shut her eyes, knowing full well that they'll never open again.

Don't cry Sang-woo...you have to be strong, be strong for everyone okay?

I stare at her lifeless body, unable to move.

The world is cruel...

My heart shatters.

The dam breaks.

"E-Eomma..." I manage to choke out before I break down in tears.

This...this is reality...

I always thought that when she dies...I'd hear music....the sound of angels welcoming her home...

But why do I only hear the sound of ringing in my ears?

Why do I hear no exit music?

[btsxmalereaders]

1:31 AM

Pairing: Im Jaebeom x male reader

Genre: angst

☆ Requested

Word Count: 2,08k

🎵 잘 지내야해 1:31 AM

[I am always drowned in the thoughts of you. I get exhausted from crying, but I look for traces of you again...]

The patter of the rain hitting the window has been the only thing that has set the gloomy place for the last couple of hours.

The catheter placed with an uncomfortable sticky tape on the back of your hand feels heavier and heavier. Your eyelids shutting even when you try to keep them open. You're tired despite only spending all the time laying on that stretcher.

Some nurses come from time to time to make sure you're comfortable and you only nod tightly to the questions they make; a routine that you don't have the energy to hate.

Of course, not all days are like this. Sometimes you wake up in a good mood and the personnel would take you out to the small garden behind the hospital, pulling your wheelchair since you're still weak, but it is still something. You would smile and take the sun on good days like those, and if a familiar visited,  they would bring you your painting tools for you to clear your head and have a good time.

But you haven't had good days, lately.

Your friends called you constantly and, when you had enough energy to respond, you tried to put your best smile for them.

You didn't see it as a bad thing, though. They didn't need to know that you were going through thick.

But there was someone you couldn't lie to.

"The receptionist told me 'You can see your fiancé now.'" Jaebeom says as he walks towards you, placing a cute bouquet of flowers on the small table next to you. He looks stunning and always walks in with the hugest smile on his face to greet you. Probably to lift up your mood, too. "Was that an insinuation?"

You can't help but giggle at that, "Maybe. But also they wouldn't let you in if I said you were only my boyfriend. And I don't want to keep this lie."

"Then I better hurry up, right?" He smiles, placing a kiss on your forehead and dragging the chair next to you, taking seat as he grabs your hand tightly. "As soon as you are discharged, I'll put a ring on your finger. I promise."

You keep the big smile to him and cup his cheek with your free hand, being careful because of the catheter. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you so much more," He murmurs. His semblance suddenly changing. "We've been really busy with the tour now that it is starting soon, I'm sorry. I wish I could see you everyday."

"It's okay, love. I understand."

A silence sets in after that. Jaebeom closes his eyes and enjoys your touch for a moment while you observe him in detail; every mole, every mark on his skin, his warm breath against your wrist and his grip on your hand, as if he would never want to let you go.

When he opens his eyes again they're full of tears. You don't even recall when was the last time you've seen him cry.

"Why are you crying? What's wrong?" You ask, sliding your thumb across his cheek to erase every trace of tears falling down.

"I'm sorry," Jaebeom softly whispers. "I hate that I can't do anything else for you."

You sigh, bringing him closer and moving a little, making a space for him to cuddle with you. "Come here. Don't cry."

He does as told, hiding his face in the crook of your neck, calming his nervousness with heavy breaths. It breaks your heart to see him like this.

Your boyfriend gets to calm himself as minutes pass by, with the help of your hand tracing circles on his back, and sweet words whispered to his ears.

You two get to talk properly afterwards, telling each other about how your days have been, although Jeobeom did most of the talk and you only listened, occasionally commenting about it and also asking about your friends.

"As usual, the boys send you greetings and hugs, but only I get to do that, right?" He chuckles, kissing your forehead for the nth time and making you blush. "They might even pop up at the videocall tonight since we'll be rehearsing."

"That's good, don't tell them I said this, but I actually miss seeing their faces and hearing their voices everyday."

Jaebeom laughs at that. "No wonder why I see Bambam sending you voice notes all the time."

A nurse comes back a moment later to let you know that the visiting hours is now over, so Jaebeom stands up and kisses you goodbye, "Don't forget that-"

"-we have a date. For dinner at half past eight. As we do almost every night. Of course I won't forget."

He smiles at you and kisses you again. "And that I love you."

"I love you too." You murmur with a smile and see him walk out of the room.

The nurse changes the serum, as usual, and you only stare at her, not knowing if you should ask...

"Is everything alright, ____?" She asks.

You've known her for a while now, it's almost as if you two were friends, but still, you were still undecided about something that has been in the back of your head for a couple of days.

"Noona, could you do something for me?"

GOT7's tour was about to kick off two weeks after that visit, although it wasn't the last one. Jaebeom did make sure to visit you whenever he could; after rehearsing or even skipping his time to have meals to rush in to the hospital -thing that you obviously scolded him for, but he promised he would get something in his way back-. He also made sure to show you clips of the rehearsals and some videos with messages from the boys for you, which you truly loved.

However, even if that lifted your spirits, it wasn't enough to make you feel better from the terrible days you've had. Not only you couldn't move and hang out as you did weeks ago, but you were feeling so weak that most of the time you would spend it sleeping. In one of Jaebeom's visit you two were talking until you fell asleep, and next thing you know he was saying goodbye again with a worried expression on his face.

And the worst thing is that you didn't have to be a genius to know the reason why. The disguised words you heard from your doctor were enough confirmation for you to know what was about to come.

And you definitely weren't ready for it.

"So? You got good news for me?" You ask the nurse once you see her entering the room.

She tilts her head and sees the hope shining in your eyes, despite looking so small and weak. "Yes. I talked with the doctors and they gave the authorization."

And that was enough for you to feel happy for the rest of the day.

"Are you sure you are okay?"

Unlike other days, today you have woken up happy and eager to go out. You suppose it is normal because you have anxiously waited for this day to come

You nod as an answer and the nurses carefully help you to get ready. 

To say you were nervous was an understatement. You weren't even sure how did the idea come to mind, but you were really determined to do it. And as you get in the van, you quickly send a message to Jinyoung to let him know that you were on your way there.

You've thoroughly planned all this; after all, it was a surprise for Jaebeom.

Of course he couldn't believe his eyes. He froze in his place while the boys almost ran to hug you; Jinyoung pushing the chair behind you and telling them to be careful, but you were too happy to even care about the bone crushing hugs you were receiving. It was all you wanted.

Jaebeom walks slowly to you and gives you a hug when they're done, letting out a sigh he didn't even know he was holding.

"Really? H-how did you even- Are you okay?" He asks, concerned, to which you laugh and nod.

"I'm good, hyungie. The doctor allowed it and I've been wanting to see you out of the hospital." You murmur, holding his hands. "And what kind of boyfriend and ahgase I'd be if I didn't attend your first concert of this new tour?"

They all seem very happy because they haven't seen you in a long time, so it's not surprising that everyone is around you all the time in backstage, asking you lots of questions and updating you on everything that happened since the last time they saw you, although no big news since you're used to chat and videocall them quite often.

While they are fascinated to have you there, Jaebeom seems to be more quiet and with a worried expression, indecipherable. You wonder if he knows or at least suspects about the reason behind it.

The concert finally starts and after more worried looks from your boyfriend, you decide to see from the first row the entire show. Even Yugyeom got you a lightstick for you to cheer them up, and Jaebeom stressed that whatever you needed you could ask anyone from the staff.

It goes pretty well, and you didn't feel uncomfortable or bad at all, but that didn't stop your boyfriend from making sure you were indeed okay every time he could; approaching the side of the stage right where you stayed and nodding in your direction from time to time, and the fans close to you were respectful and careful with your space.

Jaebeom gets somewhat sentimental while performing some songs, and when he stares back at you, you know it. He knows it.

So the first thing he does when the concert is over and gets to backstage is kneel in front of you and cry on your lap.

The boys don't understand the situation, but they leave you two alone for a moment, thinking that maybe their leader was too emotional tonight.

"What are you hiding from me? What have the doctors said?" He gets to babble while the tears are covering his face.

You're hurt from seeing him crumble like this in front of you, so you cry too, holding his hands and tracing circles on their back, trying to calm him down.

"Nothing you don't already know," You say. "You've seen me. I'm not doing well, and... I just had this feeling, I had to see you again, one last t-"

"No." He stops you. The lump on his throat making it harder to speak. "Don't say that. Please."

"Hyung, I'm sorry." You murmur, now caressing his back and placing a kiss on his head. "Please forgive me."

Before going back to the hospital, you say goodbye to your friends, who seem to now be understanding of the situation, but being too shocked to even say anything about it. They hug you more and try to lift the mood making lighthearted jokes that genuinely make you laugh.

Jaebeom doesn't want to separate from you anytime; he's either holding your hand or leaving kisses all over your face, letting you sleep on over his chest on your way back and whispering words to your ears.

"I'll come to see you again later today, alright?" He promises as you lay on the bed and get comfortable. "Sleep for now. I'll be here when you wake up."

He kisses you with so much love, not knowing it was the last time he would do it.

He didn't expect to receive that heartbreaking call that soon.

Just when he was getting ready to see you, he received the news, and he couldn't stop crying and shaking for a long moment. His friends were there, trying to calm him and themselves down; hurt by hearing they've just lost you and feeling so wrecked and weak. 

Naturally, the next shows were postponed, which raised suspicions and fear among the fans, who saw you just a few hours ago.

Jaebeom has never felt this empty and pained.

A part of him ruthlessly ripped away.

He can’t believe it,

That when he opens his eyes you won't be next to him.

Even if those memories make it hard on him,

It’s on his head again.

Even if he clears out all those memories,

He will always be drowned in the thoughts of you.

[dreadfutures]

You referenced being in school/working on your PhD (I think, might be misremembering sorry). When do you typically find the time to write? Im so impressed at your pace, dread futures is a behemoth

Hi! I'm gonna use this as an opportunity to rant about science PhDs because so many people don't know how they work 😅

But long story short, I walk to/from work every day and write on my phone during that time, and I try not to bring work home but have a lot of anxious energy so I end up needing Something To Do with the little free time I have, so I end up writing. I wasn't sleeping a lot. I also have a pretty fast typing speed, and used to transcribe interviews quite often so transcribing game dialogue is pretty quick for me too. And I was Really Feeling Things and had a story I had to tell. And I really cannot emphasize enough that for the most part I turn off my inner editor when I write fanfiction, I do not plan my stories out much ahead of time, and I treat it kind of like an improv/dnd-like experience. What got published last is what I have to work with, and I have to make it work. I also self impose a 3k goal/limit on my chapters and then it's time to publish. All those things combined yield a pretty fast update schedule.

Now for the rant:

Most people think of graduate school as just that--school. Having lived with PhD students in Classics, Chinese Lit, and Business, that's true for a lot of disciplines. You take classes. You read all the time. All the while you're forming Opinions and you explore those in lectures and articles you produce, using the vast amount of information you've absorbed over your schooling. If you're familiar with an Honors Thesis from undergraduate education, you basically produce one of those over your time in a NON science PhD program.

A STEM PhD is much, much more like an elementary science fair project, but instead of asking What Is The Most Efficient Design for a Solar Cookie Oven, you're asking questions that contribute to issues like climate change, chemical waste production in manufacturing, Alzheimer's treatments, and vaccine development.

Sometimes your adviser is the one who tells you, "Hey, study this and see what happens" just like your elementary school friend might have had a parent or teacher give them an idea. Sometimes you yourself come up with the idea. Either way, here's the real difference between a science fair project and a PhD project:

In a PhD, no one has ever asked the question you're asking, and no one knows the answer. And your Question might be so small and seemingly inconsequential, you will never be able to explain it truthfully to your grandmother over Thanksgiving dinner. Even if your Question is fundamentally important to something like the race to efficient carbon dioxide fixation.

Also, it's not fair to say you have One Question in your PhD. A PhD researcher is a one woman army against a whole battlefield of Questions, and you spend about 1 year per Question (Project) answering (and all the little side questions that come up, curiosities, flashes in the pan, that you think might help you answer the main Question). A typical chemistry thesis is about 3-6 big projects that are related to one another usually only tangentially.

Day to day life is NOTHING like being a student. I walk to work and get in ~8am, and leave at 6. I work 6-7 days a week. The whole time I am doing research work: either at a fume hood, or in a glovebox, doing chemistry, or MAYBE I will sit down and analyze my data or look up prior research in the field to inform my future experiments/learn how to do a certain analysis.

I am teaching myself new techniques, new chemistry, and producing new techniques and new chemistry.

Science PhDs come out of their programs and go into jobs and their bosses tell them to stop working so hard, to only do what they're told, to stop taking work home. Because in normal industry jobs you get contracts that include time off, regular work hours, and regular performance evaluations, whereas a PhDs job is never done, your hours are dictated by what the experiments require, and the amount of time you spend doing your work is pretty proportional to how long your degree is going to take. :-/

Oh yeah and if you're lucky, you have a contract with your university! If you're lucky, you have a union! But most of us have neither of those.

STEM PhDs fortunately will pay you, rather than you paying the University. However, better settle for 25-30k (US)/year. Maybe you get health care. Good luck if youre in a more expensive rent area because 30k is already pretty high for a program offer. Oh, and unless you're very lucky, you likely will need to be a teaching assistant for undergraduate courses multiple times a year. Some contracts stipulate that TAships cannot require more than 20 hrs of your time per week (that's a 50% appointment, and the rest of your time you're supposed to be working in your research lab) but good luck, most of the time your teaching/grading load is going to be ~30-40 hours of its own. And just because you're teaching doesn't mean you get to produce any less work for your research!

Because here's the other thing: you're not an employee, you're not a student. You're supposed to be doing research to answer Questions that will save the world. But you get paid, and your adviser/professor gets paid, and your SCIENCE gets paid, based off of how many Questions you've already answered and how Important someone in the government judges your Answered Questions to be. So if you're not Answering those Questions and simultaneously proving that your Questions are Important, then your funding, and your adviser's funding, are at risk.

I worked in a startup for a while and it was very similar in mentality: your life and your work are the livelihood of the company, and you have to do everything in your power to ensure the company is popular and productive, with as little funding and time off possible--because if you don't do the work, there's no people or money to pick up the slack.

The upside to working in a startup, though, is that in my PhD I come across fun questions like: hey, why is this *that* color? but this other thing is different? And I have the freedom to try and explore those questions. Whereas in a startup, there is no space or time to waste on side projects. I'm in to this work for the curiosity and the passion (when I have energy enough to remember them lol). And a PhD not only provides me with specific skills and knowledge, it also proves that I can pick up any new field and dive in, teach myself, and be productive in it. Most of us never go on to work in anything immediately relevant to our PhD work, because our PhD work is so open ended, but also so narrow in scope within a field. It's important work and it's how most progress gets made in our quality of life and technology and healthcare and other developments as a society--this brain-breaking labor of love by underpaid and over caffeinated, unprotected workers in labs that are constantly at risk of being defunded.

Oh and halfway through, after you've wasted 3 years of your life melting your brain with big Questions, you have a Candidacy Exam where you prove your worth to a committee of Expert Professor Researchers in your field, and they say whether you even get to finish or not. 🤗

Which is what was happening when I started writing DPDF. in the middle of a pandemic. With a lot of my friends and support systems leaving me. And DPDF was born as a coping mechanism for the hopeless, worthless, existentially threatening place I was in at the time. Nothing gets the fingers tapping more than feeling like you want to die every moment you're alone with your thoughts, and having every other moment eaten by blistering brain work. Not working, and sitting, and relaxing were impossible and made me feel extraordinarily guilty. So I wrote. Like my life depended on it. It did. It does.

[possiamo-andare]

No More Divisions - Chapter Six: The Key

JJ x Original Character

you guys are really gonna like this one...

MASTERLIST

~

You've ever had that moment in life where you've forgotten something so important that you feel physical pain once you've remembered? If you have, you know exactly what I mean.

A couple months ago, Sarah and I were planning to hang out and I wanted to sleep over. I had packed everything the night before to make sure I didn't forget anything. I had made a list for the first time in forever and I double checked before I left. Yet, once I got to Sarah's house I remembered one thing I forgot. Something I didn't even think to put on the list. Pads. I had gotten my period that night and I had to go looking through Sarah's bathroom cabinet to find a pad like a raccoon. Once I realize I had forgotten it, this awful feeling of dread came over me because I knew I messed up.

I hate that feeling.

When we get to the dock, I got that same feeling. I realized we forgot something; the key. Like idiots, we forgot the thing that starts the damm boat. I swear to god sometimes I think we all share one brain cell.

Although I remember this key piece of information, I don't let them know until the boat is in the water. Once the boat is in the water, I finally decide to break the news to them.

"Wow, guys," Pope chuckled, looking at all of us. "With twenty minutes to spare."

JJ and Kiara are smiling with Pope and I'm expecting a group hug but I know I'm gonna have to rain on their parade.

"Um, guys," I clear my throat. They're all joking around and fist bumping each other and I'm just watching. I kinda feel bad. "There's one problem."

They all look to me, waiting for me to be a little more precise. They all move closer to me and I look to JJ, who is as clueless as a snail.

"What?" He asks me, clearly being able to see that I'm pissed.

"How the hell is John B. gonna be able to start the car without the key?"

I don't think I've seen Kiara get so mad at JJ so quickly. They always have their mini fights here and there but this time she's pissed. "You forgot the key?!"

JJ rolls his eyes. "Sorry Kie, I was a bit distracted by the crazy Kooks trying to kill us all day!"

I want to step in and try to mediate since the both have reasons to be upset but I look to Pope for reassurance and he looks to me and shakes his head. Apparently getting between Kiara and JJ was a bad idea. So, I stay silent along with Pope as Kiara and JJ battle it out.

"I gave you two small tasks. I even wrote them down!" Kiara raises her voice, her hands coming up to her face to rub her temples.

JJ smirks. "Chill Kie, I gotta plan."

Kiara rolls her eyes. "Great. You've got a plan. Ya hear that guys, JJ has a plan. Well, that makes me feel better." Kiara's voice is filled with sarcasm and JJ knows it.

JJ let's out a loud sigh before turning to me. "Callie, you're gonna help me."

I frown. "Why do you always pick me when we have to get in trouble?"

"Because he -" Pope begins to say before Kiara elbows him.

JJ glares at Pope for a second before looking back at me. "Who says we're doing anything dangerous?"

I roll my eyes. "Fine, then what are we doing?"

JJ scratches his head. "We're gonna..." He looks to his house for a moment then back to me.

Then, it clicks. "No." I glare at JJ. "I'm not gonna steal the key from your dad."

"Yeah. If he wakes up, he'll kill you guys." Kiara pipes in, patting my shoulder.

JJ shook his head quickly. "Callie." Once he says my name, my eyes instantly meet his. He grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me closer to him. "Nothing will happen to you. I promise."

He's so serious and calm as he says this I can't help but believe him. Last week I wouldn't have trusted JJ with anything, let alone my life but now it's different. I feel something for JJ. Something I don't have time to figure out just yet.

I nod. "Okay. What's the plan?"

~

"You're a psycho." I angrily whisper to JJ. I can't speak normally because I'm in his house and of I talk normally, his dad will wake up.

He's just told me his plan to get the key and now I'm sure we'll die. The key is on a chain hanging around his father's neck and the only way JJ can think of to get it off is to cut the chain. Not only is this a bad idea, it will get us killed. If either of us makes one wrong move, then JJ's dad will wake up and see what we're doing. Then I can only imagine the suffering I'll endure.

"My dad can sleep through a tornado. He won't even know we're here." JJ shrugs, totally nonchalant about the hibernating bear on his couch.

I take a deep breath. "Fine. Let's just do this."

I tiptoe behind JJ as we make our to the couch where his dad is sleeping. As I move around his cluttered house, I'm surprised. Of course, I never expected his living quarters to be four stars, but at least one would make me happy. No wonder JJ rarely goes home. Not the mention the mean man waiting for him each time he gets home.

The house is a complete mess and from what I can tell, it's mostly at the fault of his father, not JJ. There's empty beer bottles and spare parts. Two things JJ would never bring home, let alone scatter all over his house. It's obvious his dad has never cleaned up after himself which just angers me. Not only does he beat his son, he is beyond ok with letting his son live in these conditions. Maybe I do want him to wake up, so I can beat the shit out of him.

Once we get close enough to JJ's dad, JJ looks to me and extends his hand outward. I take the scissors that I found on the boat from my pocket and give them to JJ. He slowly reaches for them, careful not to even make a creak. I can't even tell if JJ and I are breathing because that's how quiet we are trying to be.

Once JJ grabs ahold of the scissors, he moves closer to his dad's face. This time I'm sure JJ and I aren't breathing. The only loud thing I can hear is my heartbeat which is beating so loud I'm sure it's gonna wake up JJ's dad any minute. I try to take small breaths through my nose and try to stay calm but that proves to be difficult because I watch JJ pick the chain with the key up with his index finger and slowly bring the scissors to the chain.

He slowly but surely slides the blades down on the chain and they make a small sound, definitely not loud enough for his dad to hear. JJ tries again. He reopens the blades and then closes them again, this time they sound even louder. Yet again, the scissors aren't strong enough to cut the chain.

JJ slowly places the chain back on his father's chest and turns to me, scissors still in hand. His brows are scrunched together and I know this means he has an idea. And if I know JJ, it's a stupid idea.

I raise my eyebrows at him. What is he planning. He shifts a little to the right and places the scissors on the table in front of the couch where his father sleeps. There's barely any room on the table with all the junk but he makes room. He then looks back to me and smirks.

I have no idea what he's about to do. Then, he turns back to his dad and does it. He grabs onto the chain with his entire hand and rips it off his dad's neck in a second, breaking the clasp.

I wanna scream at him. I'm wanna punch him. Although I want to, I can't because JJ's dad grumbles, waking up from his deep sleep.

JJ grabs my hand and quickly pushes me into his kitchen and under the table, away from his dad's eyeline. We're both so damn quiet, I'm sure we're not breathing again.

Since we're under the table, we can't see JJ's dad but we can hear him. He wakes up and gets up from the couch. He stretches and wakes closer to the kitchen.

JJ squeezes onto my hand. I forgot that we're still holding hands. I squeeze back and look at him. He gives me a half smile but I know he's terrified.

Just as I think JJ's dad is gonna walk into the kitchen, he passes it completely and makes his way to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

I let out a sigh. "Holy shit."

JJ let's go of my hand. "I thought we were dead."

I scowled. "Yeah we almost did, you ass. Why'd you do that?"

JJ shrugged, smiling at me in a way I can't explain. "I got the key, didn't I?"

I smirked, not being able to contain my happiness. "Sure. But seriously, next time I'm planning -"

I can't even reprimand JJ anymore because he's cuped my face in his hands and is kissing me. JJ is kissing me. It takes me a moment to realize what's going on and at first I'm not kissing him back. My body is limp because I'm in total shock.

I think he gets scared of my reaction because he let's me go and starts apologizing. "Callie, I'm so fucking sorry. I'm really -"

And now im kissing him. Both of my arms wrap around his neck and I dive forward to kiss him. These emotions have been building up since last night and now I'm finally expressing them. Once JJ reacts to me kissing him, he's kissing me back fiercely. His hands are my waist, pulling my upper body closer to him. We're crouched down under this stupid table but I'm having the time of my life. I've never kissed anyone like this.

He tastes like mint gum which I didn't think he would taste like, especially since I haven't seen him chew any gum since I met him. I wonder what I taste like to him.

We hear the toilet flush. This is what makes us pull apart. JJ's dad will be out any second and we haven't left yet.

We scurry out from under the table and JJ helps me up from the ground.

With his hand in mine, we run out of his dad's front door. We cut across the side of his house and run across his backyard. We pass the jacuzzi which is now drained. I can't believe that not even 24 hours ago I was having my first real conversation with JJ and now I'm running hand in hand with him. A lot can change in one day.

Once we make it to the dock, we see Kiara and Pope sitting on the ledge waiting for us. Once our steps are heard on the dock, Kiara looks up at us and smiles.

"You got it?"

Kiara and Pope both stand up once we get closer to them. JJ takes the key, still dangling on the chain, and holds it in front of Kiara and Pope.

"Told you I got it." He hands it to Kiara.

Kiara has the biggest grin on her face. "I always believed in you man."

"Bullshit." JJ laughs, looking to me.

That's when I realize our hands are still interlocked. Embarrassed, I let go and move slightly away from JJ, giving him space. He frowns at me and suppress a smile. Everything he does makes me laugh. If this is what liking someone feels like then I don't think I ever liked Rafe.

Once Kiara puts the key I'm her pocket, she extends her arms, ready for a group hug. We all extend our arms with her and all hug. We're yelling and screaming, joking about how crazy this day has been. I've never felt so appreciated, so loved by anyone in my entire life.

I understand why being a Pogue is so awesome. Being a Kook, there's not much room for community and family but here, I feel like we're our own little family. A week ago I would've never understood why Sarah loved hanging out with John B. and his friends but now I do.

Now I do.

I look up from our group hug and JJ is watching me. I smile at him and he winks at me.

I want to roll my eyes but I don't. I just watch him as he watches me. We're in the moment and I don't think I've ever felt as alive as I do now.