#somewhere along the line it starts to be my fault and a lot of people died

[theshiftingwitch]

You're not doing anything wrong!

Whether you're manifesting, or shifting, or simply living, I think you have to be reminded that you're not doing it wrong.

You're going through your days, wondering why nothing is working, why your reality isn't conforming, why everyone else is getting everything they wanted and you're stuck in the same place with no forward movement, and you end up blaming yourself.

I mean, who else are you going to blame?

No one. The answer is no one.

You're not doing anything wrong, nor did you do anything wrong as a child either. This is what that's about, isn't it? That mean voice in your head calling you stupid and lazy and unworthy, that poor self esteem that's keeping you stuck in a constant loop of self hatred, those people pleasing tendencies that make you put everyone else above you.

Those are not your fault either. You see, most likely, those things are a result of childhood trauma. Somewhere along the line, someone put you down and called you names so they can feel more powerful. Someone accused you of something you didn't do and didn't give you the chance to defend yourself. Someone guilted you into doing something you didn't want to do for their own benefit over and over and now you don't know how to say no. Someone made you think everything going wrong in life was your fault.

It wasn't.

You were just a kid.

You deserved better.

All those things you carry with you today, and you look around and wonder why your life is a landmine of terrible events and missed opportunities, not knowing that those events shaped your beliefs and how you see the world. You take them with you everywhere, and now you're trying to manifest a new reality, and your brain is resisting every step of the way.

It's not your brain's fault. It's only trying to keep you safe.

But in order to change the story, you have to rewrite the old beliefs, you have to rewire your brain.

Aren't you tired of carrying all of that shit with you? Aren't you tired of all that self sabotage, self hatred, and cruel inner monologue?

If you've been trying to manifest for a while, and nothing seems to work and you falter every two business days, you need to address your subconscious beliefs. Do your shadow work, figure out your triggers, and rewrite the story so that you don't have to carry that burden with you for the rest of your life.

You deserve better!

And if you have no idea where to start, there are a lot of free shadow work prompts on Pinterest! Give those a try, and then check out my journals. I've been at this for 6 years, and it kicked my ass, but it made me a better version of myself, and it will do the same for you.

I hope you love yourself enough to expel that cruel voice out of your head ��️

[bi-bard]

They Tell Each Other Who to Look After and Who to Watch Out For - Kaz Brekker Imagine [Shadow & Bone]

Title: They Tell Each Other Who to Look After and Who to Watch Out For

Pairing: Kaz Brekker X Reader

Word Count: 1,916 words

Warning(s): abduction, vague threats of violence, actual violence

Summary: After using their power to save the life of their best friend, (Y/n)'s time of running and hiding comes to an abrupt end. Now, they find themselves in a new reality where they can either survive or risk losing everything.

Author's Note: This is the second time in the last like month that I have accidentally started something that turned into an OC. It happened twice.

Also, I thought the pattern of using a line of dialogue as a title was clever, but I fear that I'm going to regret it later.

MORE OF THIS OC HERE!

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There was a time when Inej tried to claim that everything that happened to me was her fault. That it all boiled down to one action on one night that she thought was her fault.

She was wrong.

I would say that it was mine, but that also was wrong.

If it all could be traced to one person, then it would be traced back to the man that had tried to attack her.

I reacted out of instinct. I saw Inej get grabbed and my brain focused purely on helping her.

When I had saved Kaz, I was in an enclosed space. But in that situation, it was different.

It all happened before I could truly think about it. She had shoved this man back and as soon as there was enough space, I hit him.

As he fell back, I didn't even think about the arguably small burst of light that had come out of it. Or the chance that I had been spotted by anyone.

"Inej," I said, running over to her. "Are you alright?"

She took a moment to breathe.

"Inej-"

She stopped me by yanking me forward, wrapping her arms around me tightly. I let out a sigh of relief before hugging her back. A small grin formed on my face and my eyes closed for a moment. I was just happy that she was okay.

"Kaz would kill me if he saw that," I muttered as I stepped back.

"I'd like to see him try," she replied.

I laughed quietly, shaking my head. "Come on. We've got a job to do."

She nodded.

We went along with our night without much thought about what had happened.

I believed that I was safe. Or as safe as I could be considering the circumstances of my life.

I was constantly on high alert.

It was a natural part of living in the Barrel. Especially with the reality of who I worked with. Kaz Brekker could make a lot of people angry.

That day was no different than any other.

I was walking down the street, dodging people as best I could. The streets of Ketterdam were rarely not busy. People were usually going to work, just trying to keep their heads above water and maintain whatever vice they had.

It didn't take long for me to notice the men following me. Their eyes were too focused to merely be going the same way as me.

I didn't let them know that I was aware of them. Instead, I took turns that I usually wouldn't. I cut through alleys and took shortcuts that I saw no purpose for. My hope was to lose them by either going fast enough or just by forcing them to get confused.

I didn't get the chance to watch them run like mice in a maze.

One of them grabbed my arms after I had turned down one of the alleys. I yelled, immediately attempting to yank my arms away. I kicked the other man in the chest, causing him to stumble back.

The first man kept my hands apart, but I still struggled.

I pulled and kicked and moved as much as I could in the hopes of getting out of there.

When my attempts to escape went unsuccessful and seemingly unnoticed, I did the first thing that I could think of.

"Kaz!"

I was shoved to the ground as soon as the name left my mouth.

I don't remember anything after that.

My next vivid memory was waking up in some bed somewhere. I shoved myself up immediately, trying to get a hold of my surroundings.

I was sitting on top of the covers of a bed. Easily the comfiest bed I had ever been on. The bed was pushed against the middle of the wall that was furthest from the door. The rest of the room was full of intricate details and littered with pieces of furniture. Clearly, this was meant to be a place of luxury. One that I had never deserved and never wanted.

The room was mostly white. White walls, white bedding, white curtains for the windows, white doors. There were only a few exceptions. The floor was made of wood and laid in an intricate design. Details on furniture, the edge of the mirror, the frames of the chairs, and even the partition meant to give me some semblance of privacy were gold. Splashes of beige were thrown around too. Probably meant to make the room less like a cell than I knew it was.

As I sat in silence, trying to put together my fractured memory and devise a way out of there, I found my mind drifting.

Mainly to Kaz's office.

I had found more comfort in that office than I would probably find anywhere else. I thought back to that first night that showed him my power. And every night that I had been there after that. Moments where I would stand just in front of him, never allowing ourselves to touch. There was this silent longing. Yearning that would feel suffocating as I watched his eyes shift and move.

I would give anything to feel that familiar suffocating feeling again.

I took a deep breath. He would find me. Him and Inej and Jesper. They would find me. They would protect me. I trusted them to do that.

But I could always spare them some of the trip.

I shoved myself out of the bed, pulling on the heavy boots that I had invested in. Jesper made fun of me when he first saw them, but I defended them fiercely. They had lasted me longer than many of his hats had lasted him.

I was about to storm out of the room when the doors opened. I stumbled back a bit when a man walked in.

I composed myself quickly, straightening my spine and planting my feet.

"You're awake," he said. "Good. I hope the room was to your liking."

"Would have enjoyed it more without the kidnapping part," I replied.

He let out an amused huff through his nose. "Necessary steps had to be taken. We were under the impression that you wouldn't come willingly."

I let my eyes scan him. "Who are you?"

"General Kirigan," he held out his hand for me to shake.

Oh. I had heard stories about General Kirigan. I believe that most people had. I had never seen him before. I... I tried to not picture him. He terrified me. I knew that he had been the biggest threat to any freedom I had.

And now he wanted me to shake his hand.

I looked down at it.

"Maybe later," he mumbled, pulling his hand away from me. I looked back at his face.

"Where am I," I asked.

"The Little Palace. Safest place in all of Ravka."

I had to hold back my scoff.

"You'll be safe here-"

"I want to go home," I said bluntly.

"We both why I cannot let you do that," he replied. "You have a responsibility. We have a responsibility to all of Ravka."

"I have no interest in being a hero or a saint."

"You forfeited that decision with your little show in Ketterdam."

I took a deep breath.

"Everyone knows who and what you are now."

"I've had a target on my back my whole life. This is no different."

"It very much is-"

"I am not asking for permission. I am giving you the courtesy of telling you that I'm leaving instead of jumping from the window."

"I wouldn't do that," he advised. "It's a long way down."

Again, I had to bite my tongue.

"The two of us have a chance to do something great. To free everyone. I am begging you to see the good that this could do for everyone."

He stepped closer to me as he spoke. He wanted to convince me so much.

But I had spent far too long hiding and running to sacrifice myself now. I had been taught to run away from exactly this. My parents would cry for me from wherever they ended up. They sacrificed their lives for me to never end up in this situation. To keep me safe. I couldn't let them down like that.

So, I didn't: "I am going home."

"You can," Kirigan said. "After the Fold is down."

"No," I shook my head. "You cannot force me to be some... symbol for your cause."

"I see," he looked down for a moment.

"I am going home," I repeated. He nodded.

I went to walk around him, ready to leave. He watched me the entire time.

I only made it a few steps past him when he spoke up. "So, back to Ketterdam."

I turned to look at him again. I raise an eyebrow at him.

"That's where you want to go, correct," he asked.

"Yes."

"Back to that little family you found," he continued, a smirk tugging at his lips. "Inej, Jesper, and... Kaz. Right?"

I knew what he was trying to do. A small way to show me that he knew about more than merely my existence and where I had been.

I didn't respond because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of watching me react.

In reality, I wanted to scream at him. Ask why he knew so much about me. Ask how long he had been keeping an eye on me. Ask if he knew while I was in my early days in Ketterdam and he let me form connections so he would have something to hold over my head. I hated that he probably knew more about me than anyone else in my life. Maybe even myself. But I would never let him see that anger and fear. I refused.

"It wouldn't be safe," Kirigan walked closer to me as he spoke again. "For them. You're the sun summoner. And you've been found. You can't hide anymore. From anyone."

I took a deep breath, my jaw clenching. I took note of how his tone darkened on those last two words.

"How long do you think you can protect them on your own," he asked. "That little band of misfits that you've got?"

That was enough for me.

"Let me make something perfectly clear," I snapped as I stepped forward. "If anything happens to any of them and you had anything to do with it, then you will not have the opportunity to use an ounce of my power. Is that understood?"

Kirigan's slight smirk didn't falter, but he did raise an eyebrow at me. "Understood."

I didn't stand down. I was going to make him step away. He took a sharp breath before looking away from me and taking a few steps back.

"You should spend the evening getting settled," he said. "You begin training tomorrow."

He nodded to me as a false sign of respect before stepping around me and leaving the room. It took every ounce of self-control to not try to kill him.

He knew that I couldn't leave. He knew very well that I wouldn't threaten their lives like that. I exposed my secret to keep one of them safe. Leaving now would be selfish.

Fine.

I would stay, I would train, and I would do what I had to to survive and keep the ones that I care for alive.

But no one said that I couldn't make the general's life hell while I was here.

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[writtenbymkl]

Synopsis: Isn’t it every fan’s dream to get hit by a car? Especially if it’s going to be caused by the driver of your favorite NCT member? Oh, and a few days before you have to attend the concert at that.

Pairing: Idol!Mark x Fan!Y/n

Genre: comedy, angst, idol life, romance

Started: N/A

Ended: N/A

Updates: Saturdays

Author's note: I literally was doing my astronomy homework for the first time and actually trying to study when I was thinking about the Dream concert and camping when my brain was like "imagine you got hit by a car and it was mark" 0.0 so here's a new series dedicated to that because I'm bored and I love mark. I know I keep posting a lot of mark content but he's my bias and I know him a little more than the others, at least to write longer content not only that but I need requests to write because I completely blank for other members ^.^

EXCLAIMER: i’ll only commit to the series if there’s interest in it ! i don’t really want to be writing thousands of words if no one’s going to read so i wrote a sneak peek just to see if it gathers any interest !!

SNEAK PEEK

And I wanna be the best thing, I   

The best you ever had 

It’s a shame they took this off the setlist right after their Japan tour, you thought. A great way to start off your morning on the way to work. The coffee shop to be exact. Now, you didn’t exactly hate the coffee shop or working but you enjoyed the customers that came with it. Something new was happening every day, whether that be someone getting dumped and having an iced coffee poured on them or your coworker getting into a fight with a customer for not getting their order right. You enjoyed every single minute of it. 

You walk along the sidewalk to the beat of the song when your favorite part in Best Friend Ever comes on. And of course, the line goes to the one and only Mark Lee of NCT. You don’t mean to be biased but it’s not your fault they give him all the good lines.  

Nobody tries to get between us   

Get between us 

The day is almost here, the day where you get to see Mark and NCT Dream in the flesh. You’ve seen Mark about three times, Haechan twice, and the Dreamies once but there’s only so much you can handle. You made it your mission to get those tickets the second they went on sale. Your phone is holding two tickets to general admission which amounts to your whole paycheck. 

You see the coffee shop right across the street once you get to the crosswalk. You take a look at the people standing all around you, it looks like they’re heading somewhere as well. You notice someone looking at you from your peripheral view, so you quickly turn your head to face them. But not before your right airpod flies out of your ear. 

“What the heck, man,” you said as you lean down to pick it up from the ground. Great, now you have to clean it when you get to work. As you're in the process of leaning down, the same people that were standing around you are now walking forwards kicking your headphone further onto the street.

You get pushed slightly by the people as you try to look for your lost airpod. “Wait, don’t push me, hold on, I’m trying to pick up my headphone.” You quickly look up from the ground to see the crosswalk sign is at fifteen seconds, that’s enough time to find it.  

Suddenly, you hear three loud honks coming from the right of you. You look to your right and see a black BMV coming towards you, not too fast but also not slow enough. You don’t even have time to react before it hits you and knocks you to the ground a few feet away from where you originally were. Groaning, you feel an immense amount of throbbing in your head and feel something wet in your hair. You can barely move your legs since the car had impacted them, but you don’t think they’re completely broken either.  

You hear doors slam shut and hear two pairs of feet running towards you. You think there would be more but it’s only five in the morning. Your eyes are closed, and your ears are ringing as you try to slightly open your eyes when you hear muffled voices talking. 

“Oh my god,” You hear a voice panic. “We’re going to jail. I’m going to jail. These tiktoks about us going to jail are about to come true.”  

“Mark, calm down, go back inside the car, I’ll try to handle this. I don’t think you’re in the right state of mind to talk.” You manage to open your eyes a bit when you notice an older man who looks around his forties and another boy walking away from you. 

“Oh great, you’re not dead,” the older man sighs out while holding a hand to his chest. You let out a groan as you try to push yourself up. The man notices and rushes towards you quickly and puts a hand on your back. 

“Don’t try to get up, you’re not in stable condition.”  

“Yeah, you think?” You ask as you side eye him. 

“Mark, come help carry her so we can get her in the car,” he says while waving over the boy who was standing near the BMV. He’s wearing a white mask so you can’t see his face very well. 

“Dude, I am like so sorry we hit you, if it were me driving, this would’ve never happened. Except I can’t drive yet, so this guy is doing it for me.” The older man and the boy are both at each side of your body when they carefully lift you off the ground.  

“Yeah, and your guy completely ran me over and ruined my chances of seeing NCT Dream since what do you know? My legs are injured,” You bitterly say as you look over to the boy. His eyes are wide as he pauses. 

“Mark, what are you standing around for? We have to get her to the hospital,” You freeze.  

“What did you say?” You whip your head to look at the man.

 

“Jesus Christ don’t do that, you almost gave me a heart attack,” he sighs holding his free hand to his chest once again. “I said we have to get you to the hospital.” You whip your head back to look at the boy just for his face to be facing the other way. 

“Mark? Like Mark Lee from NCT?” You ask.  

“Haha, whaaat? Who is that?” His voice gets higher as he fixes his mask. Your right hand reaches over to quickly yank down the mask from his face.  

“Yo, what the-” You knew it. You would know that voice from anywhere since you’ve heard over thousands of times online. 

Your eyes are wide. “No way...”  

“Why’d you yank down my mask, oh my god,” Mark quickly says he rushes to lift it back on his face.  

“Oh no, this isn’t good,” The older man sighs. Turning your head to the right, you take a good look at his face.  

“And why the hell not?” 

“Because you’re a fan.”  

“Well cut my legs and call me shorty because I’m a fan with nonfunctioning ones,” You state. 

You hear Mark burst into sudden laughter. “Um, what?”  

“You guys are paying for my hospital bill, right?” 

[lemonhemlock]

I didn't think about him being a knight and having endangered himself before, you're right!

I was mostly thinking along the lines of one of the kids being directly attacked and him probably not jumping at the opportunity to get between that (I feel like he would/could but he'd probably think about whether it's the smartest decision/in favour of his goals whereas Aemond would act rather rash).

Maybe he would protect Alicent without further thought tho (but I am not knowledgeable, I just base my opinions on vibes).

What do you think?

Hi there!

I think Otto gets a little bit of a bad rep in general. He doesn't talk the talk without walking the walk, if you think about it. As I've said, he has already put himself twice in harms' way on the same bridge on Dragonstone - once against Daemon, once against Daemon & Rhaenyra, both times facing dragons, both times ready to throw hands if necessary. He's not hiding somewhere in the background, he's the first to fall if things go awry. Tywin Lannister, another Hand of the King, would have simply sent an envoy, for example, and it's not for lack of courage, as he fights in battle himself to save his family from Stannis.

Which is why I think it's the more notable that Otto went himself, on behalf of the Crown. If he is willing to do that for the institution, to perform what essentially is a ceremonial, albeit (unnecessarily, for him) dangerous act, why wouldn't he protect Alicent and his grandchildren if they were in the way of direct harm?

It's also important to note that he never intentionally placed his daughter in harm's way. In his mind, Viserys is a good man who would never mistreat her (in a way he understands as being significant).

Similarly, I think a lot of this confusion stems from the political climate not being relayed properly to the viewers. Otto fully expects Viserys to change his heir once he has a son. Fandom likes to believe this is evil machination from his part, plotting Rhaenyra's murder years in advance, but most other noble lords think the same thing. Does anyone think Corlys and Rhaenys were trying to get Laena and her future children killed by putting her forward as a potential bride? Does anyone think Rhaenys was secretly plotting to defenestrate Rhaenyra while they were sassing off on that balcony? Jason Lannister shows up from way out west and fully expects Aegon to be named heir as well. People are very confused when Viserys doesn't budge.

Otto is not so unfeeling as to reduce his daughter and grandchildren to canon fodder for his personal ambition. He wasn't expecting this problem in the first place. He is taken aback and has to recalculate and re-calibrate his strategy. That is why he starts insisting to Alicent in private that she also join him in pushing for Aegon as heir. That is why he suggests betrothing Rhaenyra to Aegon. That is why he tells Alicent her children will be in danger if Viserys doesn't switch. He wasn't tricking or trapping her in a future bloody war over succession when he sent her to comfort/distract the king. Viserys is the rogue element here, someone that we in the field of international relations would say is not behaving like a rational actor.

Which is what I think Otto was doing in the eye-gouging trial as well. Taking in information and making a cost-benefit analysis. Aemond's eye was already lost by that point and perhaps he thought there was nothing to be gained politically by further antagonizing Rhaenyra. Alicent was also the one with the knife; she had the upper hand in that moment. Don't get me wrong, I don't think Otto is flawless here - he is not Westeros' no 1 hugger and comforter. For example, he could have interjected himself in support of his daughter, instead of her slowly losing her mind. To further the Tywin comparison, for all his faults, he would have been raging there at the King alongside Cersei. Otto has a different personality - he works more behind the scenes. Nevertheless, I don't think he would have stood idly by if Viserys suddenly decided to start removing the tongues of his family members.

[nonbinarylocalcryptid]

MAG12 - First Aid, more review time

GERARD KEAY! HOW DARE YOU HANG OUT WITH THAT CULT! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED! YOUR ARCHIVIST IS NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, AND IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT! IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE, WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT HOME!

This episode may not be scary, but I must say that it's mysterious and it's hilarious. I'll explain in a minute.

Gerard Keay is the Batman of TMA, he would get along with Dean Winchester like a house on fire and he deserves his own movie, hell, a tv show. I mean, he lives in an action movie, what the fuck is he doing in this episode in Christmas Eve??? All he has was a suit, a zippo with an eye on it, a long black coat and was being basically a goddamn hero???

Dude's crazy and we love him for that

Quotes for this one:

Ms Saraki is not a poet nor she's dramatic, so I don't have much to comment from her. Every single paranormal bit had me like "sis, run" at every turn. Mad respect for her.

"There’s obviously a lot to unpack here, so let’s start with what is provable." - Jon "I hate my job" Sims, April 17th 2016

Sometimes I want to stranggle him, wtf you mean "provable" Jonathan???

“Veepalach” might also be a mishearing of the Polish word “wypalać”, according to Martin, which means to cauterize or brand. Admittedly, if Martin speaks Polish in the same way he “speaks Latin,” then he might be talking nonsense again, but I’ve looked it up and it appears to check out." - Jon "You must be proffessional at work" Sims

Emotional constipation strikes again!

"It has not escaped my notice that this is the second time Gerard Keay has turned up in this Archive." - Jon Sims, completely unaware of everything

"(...) and if we’re lucky maybe we already have a statement from him tucked away somewhere in these damn files." - Jon Sims about Gerard Keay

yeah, a statement from Gerry, i know how that would be:

JURGEN LEITNER? STUPID IDIOT MOTHERFUCKING JURGEN LEITENER GOD DAMN FOOL BOOK COLLECTING DUST EATING RAT OLD BASTARD SHITHEAD IDIOT AVATAR OF THE WHORE BIGGEST CLOWN IN THE CIRCUS LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN COWBOY MOTHERFUCKING JURGEIN LEITNER STOP PINNING ME WHEN I TALK ABOUT JURGEIN LEITENER I HATE HIM SO MUCH WHY DOES HE HAVE SO MANY FUCKED UP BOOKS WHY DID HE DECIDE TO FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT---

"At 03:11:22, it shows everybody in that room, which I personally counted at twenty-eight people, standing up and calmly filing out of the doors. (...) The rest of the staff and patients do not return until 03:27:12, over fifteen minutes after they left, when they walk back in through the same doors. The footage does not contain any sound, and no alarm of any sort was recorded, so I cannot offer any guess as to why they left, or what they were doing in the intervening time." - Jon Sims, scared af

notice how he "personally counted all 28 people", woah, I liked this bit soooooo much.

"There is one other thing that Sasha highlighted, however. At 03:22:52, the feed cuts out for less than a second, and is replaced for a single frame by a close-up of a human eye, staring back through the video feed." - Also Jon

wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf

General overview:

Vibe: great, absolutely great, wtf gerry

Horror: spoooooooooky

Audio: pretty ASMR in general

Humour: just the facts, and Jon being neurodivergent

Score: 10/10

[thatdesklamp]

hey! i’m the anon that once asked you about ur english a level if you even care to remember lmaoo. I JUST SAW THE REBLOGGED POST WHERE ANOTHER READER SAID THEY HATED SATORU FROM IW AND I’M???

obviously everyone’s entitled to their own opinions. i think that’s the point of reading anything tbh, form your own opinions and decide whether you like something/someone or not, bUT I LITERALLY CANNOT HELP BUT DISAGREE SO STRONGLY 😭 i’ve literally never felt this strongly about a person’s opinion on a fictional character let alone how the fictional character was written in a FANFIC 😀

and obviously, no hate to them or whatever. as i said, their opinion is theirs, i just randomly felt the need to tell you mine (ik you never asked, i’m bored and my student finance situation is pissing me off so here i am lol). i think the reason why i feel so offended (jokingly haha) about any hate towards satoru in ur fic is bcz you’ve written him identical to how satoru in the actual anime/manga is, so i felt like it was a well aimed punch to canon!satoru and as his certified wife, i can’t stand by and watch this happen 😟

he makes dumb decisions sometimes but i think that has a lot to do with the fact that hebi is quite literally his oldest friend and allowing whatever feelings he has to get in the way of that (without knowing whether she likes him or not from his pov) is risky in terms of their friendship and where that’ll take them. like in the chapter where they had their first kiss, ofc, we as readers know why she backed off and what she meant by how she couldn’t “do this anymore” (or something along those lines), but he was never aware of her NON-PLATONIC feelings towards him, so i think (i say think bcz i’m the reader and you’re the author so what you say GOES) he was just confused by what she meant.

like if i were to randomly start telling you a story of my life with no context, and you hear me say names of my friends somewhere along that story, but i never TOLD you they were my friends, you’d think “oh who’s that?” until i clarified who they are to me. quite like how he was probably confused when she was explaining how she couldn’t allow herself to indulge in something that she thought wasn’t reciprocated. he had no context and was therefore just… stupid lmao 😭 he was criticising her for leaving even tho she promised to stay bcz he just didn’t understand (not saying it’s hebi’s fault in ANY way, she is MOTHER, i will defend her till the day i die).

yeah i have a lot of other reasons why satoru is not a bad person in ur fic (he’s literally a copy of himself in canon, kudos to ur BRILLIANT writing and characterisation of him) but ik you’re probably bored and i have to go turn the house heating on bcz uk weather is no joke 😀

Hello!!

This is so so funny and lovely to hear—I’ve heard so much variety in opinions on Gojo in my fic, mainly through the comments, and so it’s so lovely when people genuinely take a proper big opinion on either side of the ‘debate’. I fully get why people would be anti-Gojo just because we’re so invested in Hebi’s perspective and when she’s treated poorly/feeling shit, it does reflect poorly on him. I think that’s why I found it fun to write the Satoru-pov oneshots; IW is such a case of ‘unreliable narrator’-ism in a way that’s not always immediately evident, and so taking yourself out of Hebi’s perspective and immersing yourself in someone else’s can really help to get a more well-rounded view of all the characters, I guess.

But yeah, I’m glad you think IW Gojo is similar to canon Gojo! I used to struggle so much with his characterisation with him as a kid, which was I think partly because he was a child and that’s difficult anyway, but also because IW was one of the first things I’d written in… like, actual years, and I wasn’t that good at writing at that point.

I do think a lot of Satoru’s dumb actions come from ignorance, in whatever aspect, and I think it’s up to the reader as to how much they ‘blame’ him for that. Especially in the later chapters: should he have noticed Hebi’s degredation in mental health, and should he have done something about it if he did, even if she had never reached out to him? She did, after all, never actually confide in him about anything troubling her: I made it a point to state it multiple times. That, I guess, is where people’s opinions will inevitably differ, as to assigning both blame and responsibility. The idea will come up a lot next chapter, but—perhaps it’s almost similar to the Geto/Gojo situation. Yes, Gojo noticed a change, and yes, he tried to talk to Geto about it: but did he do enough? Should he have tried harder? Would it have even made a difference? People have different opinions on their split, too, because it’s not so set in stone. I think that’s the main reason people would dislike IW Satoru.

More about ignorance: you’re right, I can’t see him knowing about Hebi’s feelings. Satoru’s so much more of an active character than Hebi, who is intentionally very passive (if only ‘intentionally’ so I can have the slowburn make some degree of sense, lmao, but hey!). If he knew, I’d have to have him confront her about it. Like, I cannot see Gojo *not* pushing for something if he ever thought there was a possibility of her reciprocating. So, in my head, it can be concluded from his lack of action pre-kiss, that he absolutely doesn’t think she likes him back, and he also absolutely doesn’t want to fuck up the friendship. Again: it’s so, so, so important to him. I try to justify it in the oneshots—I know so much of this is #miscommunication, but controversial opinion, miscommunication adds to the drama and is fun under CERTAIN SITUATIONS, it’s not always a bad thing. LOL.

But also low-key I get why people wouldn’t like him. But also I get why people would, and would be more than fucked off with Hebi. And why people would be somewhere in the middle. Idk where I stand, they’re just both my lil pooks, yk. <3

But hell yeah! I love ur Satoru defence squad. And enjoy your heating (😀) and respite from student finance—I wouldn’t wish that process on my worst enemy </3

[heylittleriotact]

Someone else beat me to Senna so I'm gonna ask about Bartenderess

(Thank you for playing btw!)

Bartenderess was inspired by a time about ten years ago when I was employed as (surprisingly) a bartender. I met people that seemed fictional during that time, so I decided to make up some more.

It’s a short story about a fateful night where the wrong people end up under the same roof at the same time. This is a snippet from partway through.

Thanks for tagging me, friend. This was fun!

The bartenderess smiled and turned away: Her line of work certainly offered interesting insight into the variant reality of human relationships.

She shelved the whiskey and whipped around when she felt a coaster bounce off her back.

Parking lot guy sat at the bar, staring at her in his judging, dope-eyed way - in this light she could make out dark veins and angry looking tracks on his inner arms.

“Did you throw that at me?” She asked.

“Better than a beer bottle.” He shrugged.

“Can’t argue with that. You’re out of beer I’m guessing.”

“Might be.” He snarked.

“Well do you want one?”

“Yes.”

“Care to give me a bit more to go off of? We have a variety of options.”

“I dunno. You got what I was drinking in the lot?”

The bartenderess sighed and pulled a beer of the same name out of the fridge, twisted off the top and set it in front of the Junkie. “Did you pay cover?”

“Went in the back door.”

“In all fairness I can’t even be mad. We don’t even have anyone watching that.” She looked at the ten he held out to her. “Oh, you can start a tab if you want.”

He looked at her like she was an idiot, “You think I’ll pay?”

She started pouring a beer for someone else on the bar. “I won’t lie to you and say it wouldn’t ruin my night if you didn’t.”

Hulking Irish Man #1 - who the Junkie had (foolishly) chosen to sit next to - chimed in on the conversation with an elbow to the wiry fellow’s ribcage.

“You walk out on your tab and I’ll break your back, you dirty thing.”

The Junkie opened his mouth to respond, but the bartenderess cut him off.

“Just ah… just leave it, okay?” She poured Hulking Irish Man #1 another beer, hoping it would distract him. Or something.

“You couldn’t break your way out of a wet paper bag, you Irish fuck.”

She covered her face with the palm of her hand at the sound of the whiny, nasally voice that came from somewhere behind the mountainous form of Hulking Irish Man #2.

Hulking Irish Man Number The First swiveled in his bar stool and looked at the speaker; a bearded man, on the short and slight side, wearing a Detroit Red Wings baseball cap and a hoodie.

“Don’t even start with me right now, Pinky. My friend over there is itchin’ for a fight and he won’t listen to your shit for ten minutes tonight before he decides to break your fucking face in.”

“You’re pissed, hey?” The snide little bastard grinned, squeezing in between Hulking Irish Man #1 and Minnie Mouse. “Hey, can I get a goddamn beer over here or what?”

“Dunno Pinky. You got the money for that right now? I hear you owe these gentlemen here a good deal of money.”

The strung out Aussie looked up, seemingly only just now realizing there was a conversation going on around him. “For what?”

The bartenderess jerked a thumb at Pinky, “Got more balls than brains, this one.”

“It’s your damn fault.” Pinky snapped at her. “You could have just gone along with it and then we’d both be a few gees richer.”

The bartenderess crossed her arms and shot Pinky an unimpressed smirk that she hoped would convey exactly how little she regretted her decision. “Yes, go along with it and pretend that I slept with you? I don’t fucking think so. I possess the integrity to choose my bedmates wisely; even pretending to be yours would be a vast infringement on said scruples.”

“Not even for half of fifteen grand?” He sneered derisively.

“The fact that you’re fifteen grand poorer should serve to show you exactly where I stand on the issue.” She took a moment to repeat the ever-familiar motion; turn, open fridge door - grab a beer from the bottom row - turn back, twist - serve. “You know the economy isn’t doing so well, right? What happens when you get laid off and all of your savings are gone?”

Pinky frowned and shook his head, “Nah. I’ll be fine.”

“If that’s your bet, I’m staying on the other side of it based on your previous luck.” She raised an eyebrow, “Why are you here anyway? You hate live music nights.”

Pinky shrugged. “Found out today the girl I was seeing for the past three weeks has a boyfriend. She’s all confused and wants to talk about her feelings.” Pinky pulled a face and took a drink. “Don’t think I’ll give her the time of day.”

“You say that.”

“I fucking mean it.”

“Well maybe you should stop fucking girls who have boyfriends then. You can’t tell me that you ploughed her for three weeks and had no idea she was attached.” The bartenderess pointed out fairly. “You may be stupid enough to lose fifteen grand, but you’re not that fucking stupid.”

“Why are you so nice to him? He’s scum!” Hulking Irish Man #1 scoffed, glaring down his nose at Pinky.

“I’m nice to you.” The bartenderess stated flatly, shrugging. “Pay your tab, tip me well, and refrain from pissing me off and I’ll be your best friend - shockingly, Pinky meets all of these criteria… more often than not.” She leveled a withering glare at the Red Wings fan and he looked away, abashed.

Roughly a month or so earlier, during one of many mornings when he came in already drunk, the bartenderess had done a quality check on Pinky’s beer, to which he made the mistake of responding, “It would be a lot better if you were on your knees blowing me while I was drinking it.”

“Pay your tab and get the fuck out: Don’t come back till you get a fucking grip - you actually think you can get away with talking to me like that?” The bartenderess had responded, printing his tab and slapping it on the wood between them.

He did as she said - it was the glare.

He tried coming back once prior to apologizing - it didn’t last long; he sat at the bar and went mostly ignored by the sole bartenderess as she carried on with her Sunday afternoon shift.

“Oh you’re here?” She finally said, feigning surprise as she withdrew a batch of clean glasses from the washer and set them out to dry. “I wonder what would bring someone like you to a place like this - get the fuck out.”

And that was that: A trite apology arrived the next day via text message, and all was well in the universe again.

Don’t antagonize your bartender - especially if she’s nothing short of a charm and is capable of pouring a pint without more than half an inch of head.

“I fucking love you!”

Oh God.

‘Cuddles’ she called him privately. He was a regular fixture at the pub, showing up at least four nights a week and staying till either the bar closed, or he was cut off and told to leave. See, he had this nasty habit of having a few too many and becoming belligerent and abusive to any and all within his reach; including the staff. He also conveniently forgot to pay his considerable tab a number of times, leaving it to fall on the other staff to pay. He had never pulled this particular stunt with the bartenderess, but she had become the person to follow up on the lost tabs and ensure an apology was given to the victimized staff.

Cuddles was a nice enough guy; fell on hard times in his life. Both he and his brother Scott (short for Scotsman) suffered from some mental health issues that the bartenderess didn’t know the specific nitty gritty of, but what she assumed from Cuddles’ part to consist of severe depression, anxiety, and alcoholism. Scott was the same, though his institutionalization for attempted suicide and his own admittance to borderline personality disorder and sexual assault at the hands of his very attractive female psychiatrist left him a good deal more fucked up than his brother.

They wore on her, truth be told. But at the same time she was deeply fond of these brothers for all of their struggles: Just as she was somehow fond of a pair of Irish extremists, and a hipster who didn’t know where his dick ended and the world began.

People grow on you like that when you work at a bar: People who exist and function in society, but are somehow fucked up, and to a point - pitiable. They’re here for a reason, the outcasts and undesirables. They’re the ones who come once, and then come back the next day, and the day after that, and pretty soon, you know more about them - good and bad - than you know about your own family.

Because when you’re a bartender, you are neutral.

You are judge, jury and executioner for no one.

You exist to serve drinks and food and conversation and release.

People will tell you things that they tell no one else because you exist only in one place forever: In a building at an address, in a city in a town, shielded by a panel of wood and a row of taps.

You are static and surreal: A fixed dream-state in an imagined world where these souls pass out of the doors and you cease to exist at all until they return the next day.

A bartender has permission to care; the woman who catches the bus home in a skirt at the end of her shift, does not.

“I love you too,” The bartenderess smiles, and though her tone is accommodating, it is also businesslike. She places Cuddles’ drink of choice before him; a Paralyzer; made right - not with any of that pre-mix bullshit. “Where’s your brother?”

“Hospital again,” Cuddles mutters, tucking into his Paralyzer.

“Ah shit, I’m sorry.” The bartenderess says earnestly; she always liked Scott, and she didn’t like to entertain the notion of him never coming back through those doors.

“Fuck it,” Cuddles declares, waving a hand through the air. “Not even surprised. Shit’s always weird.’

“You can say that again,” says the bartenderess, taking advantage of the brief lull at the bar to slow down a bit and pour herself a coffee.

“Seen any other familiar faces here tonight?” Cuddles asks. “Glenn or Meredith and Kiwi?” He looks around the packed bar, seeking out the familiar faces mentioned.

“Meredith was in earlier to play the machines a bit, but she left around seven. Haven’t seen Glenn or Kiwi today, just these ones.” She jerks her thumb at the Hulking Irish Duo and Cuddles waves at them uneasily before turning back to the bartenderess: He and the Irish guys don’t get along well, but Cuddles is smart enough to avoid picking a fight with them - he knows well enough he’d lose.

“Hey man,” Cuddles instead says to Pinky, meeting his beer with the lip of his glass. “Back for more abuse from this one?” He nods to the bartenderess.

“Nowhere else around here to get a decent beer,” Pinky shrugs. “Speaking of which; who do I have to blow around here to get another one?” He lifts the bottle in his hands and swirls the small amount of liquid left in the bottom.

“Your wish is my command, dickhead,” the bartendress purrs, replenishing her patron’s libation before turning her attention back to Cuddles. “Well I really hope your brother is okay. I’m sorry to hear he’s unwell again. He knows how loved he is, right and - oh fuck.”

Her attention is commandeered rapidly by the opening of the back door and the entrance of three very familiar figures making their way through the crowd towards the bar; specifically a woman who had been sitting quietly at the far end of it for most of the night, nursing a pint of Stella.

The bartenderess hadn’t thought much of it; she’d never seen the girl before, but assumed she was just another traveller passing through, or friends with one of the bands who agreed to come to the show out of loyalty rather than interest. Slightly older than herself, this woman nearly blended into the crowd with her diminutive figure, but as the bartendress watched the three men take up wood around her, her pale skin and dark hair that framed bright green eyes made her wonder how she had been so easily overlooked in the first place. She’d served her without a second thought and hadn’t remembered to check on her since. Not like it mattered… the girl still had half her pint in front of her.

How she knew these three was the real mystery. And the problem.

The bartenderess had no idea they were back in town; it’d been almost two years since their first visit, and frankly she thought she’d never see them again. Why did they have to pick tonight of all nights to wander into this powder-keg?

[winteratdusk]

Totally forgot to share this when I first posted, but chapter 2 of my new fic is now up! Some Steve/Bucky hurt/comfort, as always.

It was November of 1941, the air was bright and clear and cold, and Bucky was starting to feel like he was living at the end of the world. Or, with the world at war, responsibility on his shoulders, and the draft looming closer by the day, Bucky's just trying his best to stay afloat. Drinking seems to help, until it doesn’t.

Main, overarching warning for depictions of unhealthy alcohol use as a coping mechanism. More specific warnings are in the tags and chapter notes, so please be sure to check those as well! Chapter 2 snippet below the cut:

Bucky sat slouched over the bar, staring into the depths of his drink. 

It was a dive bar close to the docks, one Bucky always glanced over his shoulder before entering, afraid Jack or someone else from work might be passing by and see him go in. Since he and Steve had finally gotten over themselves, taking the plunge into the relationship that, to Bucky, had always felt halfway inevitable, they went out dancing a lot less. It was both exhausting and unfair, inviting out girls just to keep up appearances. They now spent more time out at bars like this instead – places where Bucky could run his hand up Steve’s thigh or link their hands together under the table and know that nobody would bat an eye.

There had been a time when Bucky had loved it, the openness they found in these places when everywhere else they had to be so careful. He was enjoying it far less now that he had to spend his evening listening to Steve animatedly talking politics to the shiny-haired boy sitting next to them at the bar, leaving Bucky to either try and fail to keep up or drink in silence.

“It’s bullying, is what it is,” Steve ranted, that familiar bit of Irish starting to creep into his voice. “Hitler thinks he can push everyone in Europe around, just like he’s already been doing to his own people!”

The boy beside him was nodding intensely, dark eyes fixed on Steve’s face. Bucky knocked back the rest of his drink and tried to subtly flag down the bartender.

“Exactly,” the boy agreed. “It’s not about glory or adventure or anything, like other guys keep saying. It’s about justice. We’ve finally got the chance to do something good. You’re joining up, right?”

Bucky saw Steve deflate for a moment before quickly squaring his shoulders again. “Trying. Wouldn’t take me the first time around, but I’m gonna prove them wrong.”

“And you?” 

The boy beside Steve addressed Bucky just as the bartender handed him his next drink. Bucky winced, hoping that neither Steve nor his new friend had caught on to the fact that most of the empty glasses in front of them were Bucky’s already, or that somewhere along the line he’d switched to ordering doubles. 

He wasn’t trying to get drunk, not really — it had just felt so good to loosen up a little, and he could hardly fault himself for not wanting that feeling to stop. 

“Buck?” Steve asked, expectant.

“I, uh… yeah,” Bucky said. “Yeah, I think I will. Just gotta make sure my folks are taken care of first. And I mean, I already signed up for the selective service last summer when they told us we all had to, so…”

Bucky knew it wasn’t the righteous answer Steve’s friend was looking for. He only hoped he was imagining the matching frown echoed on Steve’s face.

Bucky was saved from having to sit through any more of the conversation when someone sat down at the old, out-of-tune piano in the corner of the bar. As the first off-key notes of a drinking song permeated the room, the atmosphere shifted, faraway problems disappearing in favor of current celebration.

Steve’s new friend had turned around, talking to another man on the other end of the bar, and Steve’s eyes were on Bucky again. They were glassy and framed with long eyelashes. Their deep blue looked dark in the low light, and Bucky’s stomach swooped with a sensation like falling as he felt himself leaning towards them, tunneling into them. 

Steve’s lips parted, saying something that could hardly be heard over the raucous music. They were bright pink, glistening with the last sip of his drink, and Bucky wanted so badly to kiss them, to claim those lips for himself. He forced himself to hold back, pressing a hand flat to the sticky surface of the bar beside his drink to keep himself from touching Steve anywhere he could reach. 

[seriousbrat]

This is a response to your anti james anon because as a James Lover it made me think. I do believe James changed because Lily wouldn’t have gotten with him otherwise, but they were right Remus and Sirius had bias with the “Snape never lost an opportunity to hex James” i dont think this was ever confirmed by anyone else was it🤔🤔 This makes me think that James changed and stopped bullying everyone else except Severus , which doesn’t make him look like he matured, but still … if James had been a master manipulator wouldnt we have known? Do I blame this one on JKR’s writing (😂)? Haha. Im glad it made think though. Have u ever thought about this?

I've definitely thought about it! It's completely true that Remus and Sirius were heavily biased and you absolutely have to read between the lines during their conversation with Harry.

It's not confirmed by anyone else, so I can see why people don't believe it, but I personally think it was mostly, though not fully, true. This is because we're shown that Snape, particularly as a child, had an aggressive, vengeful streak and often resorted to violence. To me it just makes sense for his character that he would want to get even with James during this period. I just can't believe that he would let the fact that James was dating Lily lie there 😂

That doesn't mean James wasn't at fault or that he wasn't instigating himself. So while Remus and Sirius make it seem (unconvincingly) like James was just innocently defending himself while Snape assailed him from all sides, I think it was really more of a back-and-forth. In my mind they had kind of a "shoot on sight" policy with each other during 7th year and it was just a matter of who saw who first, or who fired the first shot in any given confrontation.

I also think that you have to take into account that for years, Snape was the victim. That's still a factor, and so what he's doing is more along the lines of reactive violence and is more understandable. Perhaps if James had just walked away from the conflict and been the bigger person for once, it would have been better- but I also think it wasn't in either of their natures to walk away. As I've said before, at this point they're trapped in a cycle of violence that self-perpetuates.

So I think the truth is somewhere in between "James was just an innocent angel defending himself!!!!1" and "James was hunting down Snape behind Lily's back to torment him!!!!1" lol. I definitely believe these conflicts were more circumstantial than anything, like if they happened to run into each other in an empty corridor, exchange a few insults and then someone would start firing. But that's still a different dynamic than what we saw in SWM and it makes sense to me with both of their characters. James changing was likely an imperfect process, he's not going to go from a raging dickhead to champion of levelheaded benevolence in the space of a year. They're still two hotheaded teenage boys with a LOT of anger and hatred between them so obviously theyre gonna fight lmao.

Also, this is just my headcanon but I like to believe that Remus and Sirius weren't actually privy to the true motivations behind these fights, so they saw it simply as a continuation of what came before. In my mind, it was more of a Snape and James thing than ever, it was newly personal, and I think that's why James didn't share details with anyone. AKA, it was almost always about Lily. Sev believed that James had "tricked" Lily or was otherwise a danger to her, or was going to lead her into danger (the prank, for instance). James believed that Snape was a danger to Lily because of his associations with Death Eaters. Both are reasonable on some level, but ironically neither understood that they wanted the same thing above all else: to protect Lily.

[softsky-daily]

1/18/2024

It was cold and then cold and wet and then warm and wet and then cold and wet again and then just cold.

Positive thing: I had pizza with friends after class.

We always choose the same pizza place because it's cheap and close by but I've gotten a bit attached to it as a hangout place too. We've been going after class every now and then for about a year now.

My day started off bumpy since I had to stay later after work because my coworker didn't get to her tasks. It would be one thing if she was struggling and genuinely seeking help with stuff, but there's been multiple times she'll interrupt me and say something along the lines of "hey, I really want to be able to get to my homework, so can you do this task for me?" I don't even care she does homework during work hours (I do the same thing, but only after I finish my work stuff) but don't push things onto other people just to suit your own needs. It's annoying to have my boss enable her too and make me and our other coworker do what she can't, although I get that these tasks are time-sensitive and need to be accurate so in the moment she doesn't have much of a choice. But still.

Class ended early at least. I think our professor doesn't really know what's going on because she reads the slides like she's never seen them before but it's fine honestly. I could use a break from classes that expect too much from us.

Oh yeah, at like 10:30pm one of the people from my prac texted and was like, do you want my last client? And I was like uhh. Sure? (I had an empty slot since one of mine canceled.) And she was like okay cool, I'm going to call people to get them to switch now :) and I'm thinking girl at 10:30 at night?? The clinic is closed. She went on to tell me she didn't think she was a good fit for the client and to tell me "ahead of time" that the client is dealing with trauma, which like, yeah duh okay. And she said the client would be "really good for experience" but she didn't want to work with a kid client and she "doesn't need the client hours" and all these other things.

I don't know, I didn't really like her tone about the whole situation. I kept thinking about how she must've really not wanted to work with this client because she's calling in the middle of the night to get her switched, and it's only been a day since she first met her. And I didn't like how she talked as though trying to sell them off to me just for "experience", or for "hours". This is the kind of tone I hear a lot in my counseling program, and I never know how to clearly define my discomfort with it - on one hand, I understand the thought process of if you can't give best services to someone you should give them to someone who can, but on the other, this is the part of your training in this field to learn how to help clients of all sorts. "Difficult" (I say this with very big air quotes) clients can't just get shuffled around forever. They deserve to have someone reach out to them too and say, I will help you.

I don't think my classmate was being hurtful on purpose or anything, and I can't fault anybody for wanting to work with their population of choice. It's just not the line of thinking I really agree with for myself. I see it more like, if you are entering a helping profession, you especially shouldn't be discriminatory with when and who you give your help to. Imagine being told you're too much of a niche case to be helped and then being shuttled along somewhere else, where you may or may not get rejected too. At least where we are in our training, I think it's best to exercise your empathy and stretch your skills as much as possible across as many diverse people as possible while we still have the safety net of our program to catch us if we mess up.

Anyways. I said I would be happy to see that client if she didn't want to. We'll see how that works out.

[cyberphuck]

So, about the story of how I met my dad and why I love him so much

@qthewhatever asked me to talk about my dad, how he became my dad, and our relationship. I thought this was going to be a fun jaunt through good memories, with maybe a few grateful tears along the way. But the story of why my dad is so special to me can't be told without the context of why my mother *isn't* special to me, and the stark difference between how he treats me, and how I was treated by her. The cliff's notes version (do they even have those anymore?): Dad became my dad kind of by accident, when Seb and I started "pretending" to be siblings in order to be able to rent a room together. Dad is Seb's dad, so it follows that since I'm Seb's sibling, Dad is my dad too. Then he just... fell into the role, because dads gotta dad. He is always proud of me, no matter what, and no matter how badly I fuck something up he could never, ever stop loving me. He cares about me and doesn't get annoyed by the ups and downs of my moods. He lets me cry when I need to. He lets me take a break when I need to. He loves me, *really* loves me, so totally and completely that even though we look absolutely nothing alike, no one who has ever seen us together doubts that he's raised me from birth. That's not what it was like with my mom. I only got so far through recounting her decades of abuse before I found that I couldn't do it anymore. I'm still going to post what I have, because I think other people should read it and maybe become comfortable talking about their abuse *as* abuse and not "I'm sure I was doing something wrong somehow, and it was my fault they were always so angry at me." Also, I spent a long time working on it. This is not a happy story. trigger warnings: child abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, mental illness, mentions of suicide, mentions of self harm, mentions of various serial killers, mentions of psychiatric hospitals, autism portrayed in a negative tone, fatphobia, and brief mentions of drugs and drug use. (this story is also not complete; it stops when I'm around 27, but I added an epilogue.)

My family had been in various financial situations throughout my childhood, but I was raised upper middle class, which was the same tax bracket that my mom had been raised in. My biodad, Ichiro (Dave) left when I was three, and I saw him once ten years later and then never again. So mom raised my older brother Nick and I by herself (except for a 3 year stint with Chris the Coke Addict Who's Dead Now) up until I was thirteen.

I'll admit I was not an easy kid to raise. I was (and still am) weird and awkward and autistic and prone to oversharing with strangers as well as long crying spells over seemingly low-importance things. Nick was also sensitive and somewhere on the spectrum, but it was me who was the loud one, the hyper one, the one who people politely said was a "late bloomer" and "marched to the beat of their own drummer" (at one point my mom told me I was "marching backwards.") I refused or forgot to eat so often that at six I became malnourished enough to warrant a visit by CPS. I was always being called into the principal's office for doing weird shit at school, like making potions out of shampoo and throwing them at passing cars or lion-roaring at boys I didn't like or whatever. When I got sick, I got VERY sick, like the time I straight up got Scarlet Fever and almost died, or the time I had a fever so high I started convulsing, or the lots of times that I had to do fasting blood draws every month because I had a very low red blood cell count and no one could figure out why.

Bottom line I was very weird. Mom was weird too, my grandparents were weird, but they knew how to "show" in public. I didn't. Nick's nickname for me was "The Spaz." Worse, I constantly craved attention and had absolutely no concept of Stranger Danger (I still kind of don't), and the year I was born, Richard Ramirez was active and killing in Southern California where my mom and Dave lived. In 1992, Jeffrey Dahmer was arrested and his apartment full of chunks of Milwaukee's queer community was broadcasted all over the news. In 1978, when my mom was a young woman, Mary Vincent was attacked by a man who picked her up while hitchhiking. He assaulted her and then attacked her with a hatchet, cutting both her arms off above the elbow. She has hooks for hands now. 

To keep me by her side and not wandering around out in the open, mom told me about all this. Everything-- that Dahmer was killing and eating people, that Ramirez tortured and murdered people, and how Mary Vincent had asked a strange man for a ride and now she had no arms. There's a scene in the beginning of *A Time to Kill* by John Grisham where a young black girl is being raped and tortured by two white men. It's a page or two long, but very graphic, and when I was eight my mom sat me down and made me read it to show me what could happen to me if I went anywhere alone.

At the time, we lived in Lausanne, Switzerland, which is not exactly a hotbed of violent crime.

All that aside, I was a cute kid and a good-looking teenager. I was adorably freckly with never-neat red hair, and then grew into a curvy teen with long red hair and wore cute clothes. Mom bragged to people that I was an author and an artist, and she would often tell me that she loved how 'cool' I was. (cool, in this sense, meant wearing the clothes she bought me and not styling my hair in any way she found ugly. She often pointed out ugly people on TV or on the street, and say something like 'I'm glad YOU don't dress like that.') 

I was smart-- I didn't get good grades because I could never get around to doing my homework, but I scored high on tests and most teachers liked me. I wasn't one of the popular kids, but I was always the leader of whatever little gang I was in, deciding where we went and what we did, and mom loved that, too. And she really, *really* wanted me to go into medicine.

Junior and senior year was where it all started to fall apart. 

Mom's husband is a veteran with severe PTSD. 2001 - 2005 were the worst years with him; he was overbearing at the best of times and the fact that he was a boomer from Brooklyn and I was a millenial from LA really didn't help us see eye to eye. But he had a hair trigger and would back me against a wall to loom over you  and scream in your face. Nick, who was taller and angrier than me, would scream back. Once, Nick was sent to the store for parmesan cheese and came home with the powder kind in the green can instead of the tub of the fancy grated cheese, and the resulting shouting match almost ended in a fist fight.

My depression started getting really bad when I was 17. By 18, I started self-harming, and for the first time had the thought that if I died, if I was gone and were nothing, everything would be better. I also had my first hospitalization.

I'm at 21 inpatient psychiatric stays now.

Worse, I was an adult now and had not transferred gracefully from high school to college (to go into medicine, nothing else was enough for her). I didn't even have a graduation-- I tested out of school in early 2003 and the only pomp and circumstance I got was a half-sheet of paper with 'CALIFORNIA HIGH SCHOOL PROFICIENCY EXAMINATION' printed on it. I had gained a lot of weight, partly due to meds and partly from depression and post-school downtime. She told me my hair looked like a rat's nest and once remarked to her husband, 'look at the size of her!' I no longer wore cute clothes and was not actively trying to turn my art or writing into a profitable career. 

Mom and her husband told me that I absolutely had to go back to school again, or they'd kick me out. The closest community college was two counties away (counties in California are really big). They told me they'd only take me to the nearest bus stop (still an hours' drive) and then I'd have to take a three-hour bus ride to the campus. The absolute earliest bus left at six am, which meant that I could only take classes starting at 10 am, and then had to leave by 2 pm to take the bus back home (the return bus did go all the way back to my area, but didn't run as often). 

They treated my trek back and forth to campus every day not with pride or pity, but contempt, as in "this is what you get for not succeeding." I had two more hospital stays.

After a particularly bad episode with mom's husband where he tried to force his way through a door and I had to climb out a window to get to neighbor's house and call 911, I moved out to stay with Nick, who had left about a year earlier. I was determined to be an adult and build a life for myself, but my depression and self-harming got steadily worse, and though I had several jobs and tried to go to college, every few months I'd do some serious damage to myself and end up back in the psych ward, pushing all my plans back to zero.

Nick moved in with his girlfriend, leaving me to shoulder the rent on our room on my own. I managed for about six months, but I couldn't stay at any job for long. I went to live with Skittle, where my depression took such a nosedive that a lot of nights were just spent huddled in a ball and sobbing. I felt worthless. I felt like I was nothing. 

Skittle and I broke up, and with nowhere to go, I moved back in with my mom. There were short periods thereafter that I would move out again, but basically, after I turned 23, I didn't get away from her again for five years.

Mom was never really happy with me again. I helped out wherever I could, going with her to the ranch where her horses were and volunteering to do all the dirty or hard tasks so she could have more time to ride. I did not and still do not like horses and have no interest in riding them. I went to make her happy. I wanted to do whatever I could to make her like me.

(Mom's ranch friends loved me, because I had been taught to show well in public. With them, I was witty and hard-working, and so sweet to come there to help my mom. Didn't I want to get on a horse, just once? No?)

I brought my mom breakfast and her meds when she woke up, so she could lay in bed while they took effect instead of having to hobble to the kitchen. I did chores around the house. I took the laundry to the laundromat twice a week, and brought them home clean and folded. I walked the dogs and took them to the park. 

My mom told me that I was a draw on finances. I started cleaning houses, and eventually lucked into a job cleaning weed for a hefty sum of money. I made enough money in one three-day weekend to buy my own car, which was a good thing since mom's truck was repossessed not long after. I'd gotten the trimming job in November. I sometimes stayed over at the weed guy's house so I could do two or three days of trimming in a row. In December mom told me that all I cared about was money.

Early the next year, my boss was between sales, so he was late paying me. I owed my mom two hundred dollars (I can't remember for what), and she treated me with open hatred for every day I didn't have it. Bitter and upset, I posted something on facebook to the effect of "does anyone know where I can find two hundred dollars so my mom will love me again?" Mom saw it and sent me a message: 

"you want to play this game? better not call for a while I better not see you for a while. a person must learn to keep family business private [Jaydee]."

I also got:

“Just sit there and pretend you’re not here.”

“I’m trying to reminisce about happier times, before all this.”

“You know you think it’s all about you, but I had your brother first.”

“If you don’t like the things I say to you, leave and find someplace with someone nicer.”

“Go get a shrink and figure out why you’re like this all the time.”

[epilogue: the next year, I was planning to commit suicide because I saw no other way out. Seb offered to let me stay with him in Texas; my options were Texas, or death. I pondered that for a while. A few weeks later, I got a refund of a Pell Grant from my college that they'd mistakenly taken two years earlier. Mom and her husband made it expressly clear that as soon as the money hit my account, I was to hand it over to them. Instead, I bought a plane ticket, pulled out the rest of the money in cash, wiped my ass with her husband's face towel, and snuck out with two suitcases in the middle of the night. I had left a note for mom saying I didn't want to be abused anymore and told her I was going to stay with a friend in Central California to throw her off my trail. I also told her that if she ever tried to find me, or bothered any of my friends to get information, I would put all of her secrets and records of her abuse on facebook for all her friends and relatives to read.

I didn't see her or speak to her again for nearly ten years, until this May. Then I flipped her off.]

[27emailsicantsend]

for the hsmtmts ask, jet!

**I started this project pre-season 4, so all answers are for season 3 and earlier**

Favorite thing about them: Honestly I love how much of a menace he was. He would be brooding at trees or calling ricky out with no remorse and it was the funniest thing ever (let's be real ricky deserved the gina lashings lmao). But then we get these two second glances of him being soft- especially with ricky- that really reflect the kristoff/sven dynamic and it just made Jet have a special place in your heart. I love characters like that: the hard shell but there is still good somewhere deep down that is shown in fragments (draco malfoy, anyone?)

Least favorite thing about them: I know it's not Jet's fault totally for outting Maddox, but I still don't love that he said something about her dating someone in the first place. Yes, they started to grow apart seemingly before this, but there is this trust they had established and Jet doing that because he was mad at his parents (and couldn't get his way) was low.

Favorite line(s):

(this is technically Kourtney but the line delivery and Jet's expression k*lled me) "he's staring at a tree, right?"

*Jet dissociating on the bunk bed while Carlos and Ricky talk openly about him*

"Basically, I, like, raised myself on YouTube" (I love this because Ricky had this connection to Jet and I can't help but wonder if this kind of reminded him of Gina)

"Are you actually this upset that I took off or is really about Gina?"

Jet: "Right. You guy are 'friends'" Ricky: "I can hear the air quotes" Jet: "Good"

Ricky: "Dude, what are you doing with your voice?" Jet: "I don't know, but it hurts"

Ricky: "I just can't believe I let Color War slip through my fingers" Jet: "you mean Gina?"

"I'm in love with the girl playing Elsa and it's eating me alive"

OTP: Jetney! 💛 (and yes because of color war their color is yellow in my head)

nOTP: Carlos’ imaginary pairing of jet and maddox (again… yikes)

brOTP: Jet and Ricky! I mentioned this earlier, but I love the fact that they resemble kristoff/sven's dynamic. The reindeer who knows too much and calls out kristoff's crap when kristoff is in denial? The reindeer who is a little aloof but tags along everywhere kristoff goes? They're perfect :')

Something I expect from them season 4 (if applicable): Before s4 came out, I fully anticipated Jet to be like Zeke... fawning over Kourtney (Sharpay). Like we did get some moments of him making a total fool of himself, but I really thought we were going to get that multiplied by 3. I was also hoping for at least a Jetney cheek kiss (tbh I thought they would kiss and Madlyn wouldn't), but they were just slower moving than the rest of the couples in the show. However, when all was said and done, I was still really happy with the content we got!

Random Headcanon: In my mind Jetney, Rina, and Madlyn go on triple dates all the time. They found a way to spend a lot of time together before Kourtney and Ricky graduated, but after graduation, Jet flies out to visit Kourtney frequently (and vice-versa).

Unpopular Opinion: Oof... this one is definitely unpopular. I guess it's an old unpopular opinion since it was technically before s4, but I remember not really caring if Jet and Maddox came back for s4. 😬 I know a lot of people liked them and wanted them back super badly, but I was neutral. I was happy if they came back but wasn't heartbroken if they didn't. Tim tried to keep it a surprise but the last scene in s3 made it obvious they were coming back. Once I started writing with them in my fics I was a lot more excited to have them back but I definitely wasn't emotionally tied to them when the season ended.

Song I associate with them: "I'm Still Standing"... but the version from Sing. I already said this once and I am so sorry for this, but Jet singing "Right Place" reminds me so much of Johnny at the piano. I really think it's the leather jacket idk. 😭 (the funny part is EJ's name is Elton John and Elton John is one of the singers in the og "I'm Still Standing")

Favorite picture of them:

Side note: has anyone decided wtf his and Maddox's last names are?!?

[ddyfckr-a]

if  i  ever  seem  curt  when  talking  ooc,  i  apologize.

i  have  been  in     &.     out  of  the  fandom  scene     &.     tumblr  for  a  little  over  a  decade.     at  this  point.     i'm  at  an  age  where  i  don't  have  the  energy  for  a  lot  of  these  things  anymore.     i  am...     afraid  of  reaching  out     &.     forming  bonds.     i  have  realized  that  this  is  evidently  my  fault.

i  am  always  eager  to  jump  in  with  a  writer     &.     make  stories,  exchange  plot  lines,  do  rapid  fire  roleplays,  bur  it  always  starts     &.     ends  the  same  way :     we're  both  invested,  we  make  all  these  scenarios,  we  exchange  in  depth  metas,  we  share  videos,  images,  memes  that  remind  each  other  of  our  characters,  we  talk  every  day  for  several  hours  on  end  etc  etc.

but  somewhere  along  the  line,  i  lose  them.     the  other  person's  interest  dwindles  until  i'm  trying  to  light  up  the  spark  in  them  again.     responses  become  less  enthusiastic,  less  detailed,  until  all  i'm  left  with  is  one  word  responses  or  even  just  emoji  reactions.     until  one  day,  i  realize  we  haven't  spoken  in  several  months,  sometimes  close  to  a  year     &.     it's  not  for  a  lack  of  trying  on  my  end.     i  leave  detailed  plots  or  messages.     or  sometimes  just  me  trying  to  check  in.     &.     i  get  crickets,  because  by  that  point,  the  person  has  already  moved  on  to  something  else.

it  sucks.

what  trips  me  out  is  that  this  doesn't  happen  once  or  maybe  twice  from  the  same  fandom.     this  has  happened  in  several  fandoms,  with  several  different  people,  at  different  stages  of  my  life,  playing  with  different  characters.     logically,  if  it  the  same  thing  keeps  happening  to  you  at  several  different  times  of  your  life  with  several  different  people,  that  tells  you  that  you're  the  problem.     but  it's  frustrating  because...     i  never  quite  know  how  to  make  it  better,  how  to  fix  it.

a  recent  incident  has  also  led  me  to  the  conclusion  that,  just  generally  speaking,  i'm  not  really  likable.     the  other  person  was  apparently  looking  forward  to  writing  with  me,  until  they  realized  that  i  was  someone  they  already  knew,     &.     all  of  a  sudden,  i  don't  hear  anything  from  them  anymore.     &.     i'm  not  saying  that  to  get  pity  points  or  anything,  even  in  real  life,  i've  been  told  that  i  can  come  across  really  blunt,  rude  or  selfish.     i've  been  trying  to  adjust  my  behaviors,  because  i  never  mean  ill  intent,  perhaps  my  personality  may  be  off  putting.

but  again,  it  becomes  frustrating  because  i  don't  know  what  exactly  to  do.     what  exact  behaviors  to  adjust.     previous  experiences  has  shown  me,  apparently  i'm  likable  to  a  point.     but...     then  stuff  happens,     &.     suddenly  i'm  not  interesting  anymore,  i'm  boring,  i'm  repetitive.     &.     yet  i  see  other  people  acting  the  same  way  i  do     &.     they  don't  seem  to  have  the  same  issues,  regarding  writing     &.     interacting / roleplaying  with  others.     

i  just  don't  understand.

people  tell  you  it's  natural,  not  everyone  can  talk  about  the  same  thing  for  several  years  on  end     &.     yet,  i  can't  help  but  look  with  envy  to  those  that  have  these  strong  friendships  that  last  years  on  end     &.     they  can  indeed  talk  about  the  same  ships     &.     the  same  plots     &.     everything.

so  i  feel  stuck,  tired     &.     not  really  eager  to  make  new  bonds  because  i  know  it'll  end  up  the  same  way.     i  just  came  out  of  this  very  situation.     i  had  a  roleplay  partner  on  discord     &.     we  spoke  for  about  just  a  little  over  two  years  about  our  ship,  but  then  gradually,  it  started  to  dwindle.     they  stopped  reaching  out,  they  stopped  getting  excited  to  see  me,  they  stopped  checking  up  on  me,  even  when  i  would  still  do  the  same  in  return.     &.     the  crazy  part  is  that,  with  all  these,  i'm  never  blocked,  i'm  never  '  broken  up  with',  these  people  are  theoretically  still  my  friends,  but  whenever  i  try  to  reach  out,  it's  like  i  have  to  reintroduce  myself  all  over  again.     it  hurts  because,  i  may  have  been  easily  forgetful  for  them,  but  for  me ?     i  remember  them,  i  go  back  to  our  messages     &.     i  read  them     &.     i  have  them  ingrained  in  my  head  because  they  are  people  that  i  want  to  talk  with     &.     continue  engaging  with.     but  the  feeling  is  apparently  never  mutual.

so  this  has  led  me  to  where  i  am  now,  where  i  do  want  to  roleplay,  i  DO  want  to  interact,  i  WANT  to  be  happy  to  get  excited  without�� the  feeling  of  dread,  but  the  pain  of  potentially  going  thru  the  same  experience  is  too  much  for  my  mental  health,  so  i  just  keep  to  myself.     maybe  i  can  learn  to  hype  MYSELF  up,  to  get  excited  over  my  own  ideas  i  stead  of  seeking  constant  validation.     it  would  be  so  much  easier  for  me  if  i  didn't  care  for  interaction,  because  then  i  could  just  write  all  the  fanfiction  ideas  i  have,  but  have  no  motivation  to  write.     

but  i  do  crave  that  interaction,  so...     i  just  think  it's  best  if  i  keep  everything  to  a  minimum.     thus,  if  you  have  tried  to  reach  out  to  me     &.     i  don't  seem  that  receptive,  please  understand  that  it's  literally  not  you,  it's  me.     i'm  just  trying  to  keep  myself  guarded  for  my  own  mental  health,     &.     i'm  not  as  diligent  as  i  used  to  be  with  messages.     inbox  is  always  open,  starter  calls  are  obviously  open  if  i  post  them  etc.     this  isn't  to  announce  that  i'm  changing  anything,  this  is  more  of  an  explanation  as  to  why  i  am  the  way  i  am.

thank  you  for  reading  xx

[grimmywrites]

Came across ya nick post about his history with people, and I'm curious to know more 👀

Hi! Thanks for the ask! I think this is in reference to the post I made some time back about his abandonment issues?

Depending on the story, I imagine Nick to have some parental issues. His mother left him and his dad when he was young, but old enough to remember. I imagine his dad shit talking her a lot in front of him, and so the misogyny embittered him (I think he gets better towards women during the apocalypse but that's lots of time to stew in toxic masculinity). His dad is pretty absent, too, as well as quite the drinker. He's happy to take whatever odd jobs (I think he was a hustler/criminal of sorts which is where Nick gets his start) to get away from his kid.

Somewhere along the way his dad finds a decent woman and marries her. He gets lucky, because I headcanon her as the only stable woman in Nick's life. (In my fics her name is Diana.) She has to work to build a relationship with Nick who is pretty dismissive at first, but she doesn't give up. It's why although she's technically his stepmother, he will tell everyone she's his mother, because it's the truth. She was who was there for him.

But Nick's got lots of faults and no father figure so he goes looking for it in the wrong places. This is how I figure he falls in line with some of the "mob-esque" characters I write. His dad worked for them but they saw way more potential in Nick who developed a lot more skills to be useful (so that someone would actually want him). So the head of this "group" grows fond of him and vice versa and gives him good jobs, even if he isn't the best role model.

As for the other women, Nick's not the best at picking them. He has one after another who use him, he swears off relationships and only wants sex for a while, and he eventually meets his future wife who was also the wrong pick. Eventually, he gets jaded about people in general, so he cons them.

It's why he wants to cut loose at the start of the game. Kind of, get your use and when I can I'll do it on my own cause that's how I've always made it through shit. It takes A LOT to earn Nick's trust and to actually see the man he *can* be. He can be snarky and entitled, but he also likes to joke and apologizes when he's wrong. His tone can be rude and sharp but over time it softens into something reassuring. He talks a big game, but he doesn't leave people behind when he can help them. He doesn't trust, until he does. His mom's the only other one who has managed to see all of this until Coach, Rochelle, and Ellis come along.

[perelka-l]

I know you want us to ask you for Danzo for the character thing, so there, I'm asking you for Danzo u.u

Nooooo I may be having intense Danzo brainrot these days but I have plenty of favs I promiiiisss ;;A;;

Anyway, meme time:

favorite thing about them:

Ok so for starters I didn't care much about him I gotta admit but I started to really like him when I got hit in face by DanShisu bc I am, as we know, a complete masochist in terms of ships of choice. But these days I would say that I greatly enjoy his ruthlessness as a character and gold eyes hehe. I still can't believe that guy cut off his own most likely perfectly healthy arm and removed his own also nice eye for more power. I like a lot of things.

least favorite thing about them:

man is he a dumbass sometimes but i blame his age lol but honestly, I feel like sometimes Danzo's behavior here and there was really weird and stupid and done only for sake of making him seem both darker and dumber. As I said, I can blame his old age or the fact this is a shounen series so we gotta deal with it.

favorite line

sixth hokage of my heart uwu

brOTP

I greatly enjoy him and Hiruzen and Kagami being broskies. Yes.

OTP

But also I deeply enjoy my fujo brainrot so yeah, he and Hiruzen. They are 100% absolutely divorced couple that still cannot get over each other. In one HiruDan fic I read a while ago (ah I found it!!!) they were described as being too familiar with each other, which both simplified and complicated things between them, as they know too much about each other in worst and best ways.

Him and Kagami, weirdly enough, I mostly don't see as romantic in canon but I think they maybe were fucking so there is that... But I enjoy scenarios in which their bond runs deeper *eyes ruler!Danzo AUs*. I also like to think some of Danzo's complexes stemmed from Kagami, which may or may not be related to...

Tobirama, but entirely onesided. I like to think Danzo worshipper Tobirama but kept his distance, both physical and mental sense. Crush was here, but Danzo constantly denied himself even dreaming about. He's a loser like this. Maybe Tobirama's heart was somewhere else too.

And Shisui. Oh, Shisui. I like to think Shisui unknowingly awakened some of Danzo's impulses he thought to have choked down decades ago. Maybe it was because of Kagami, maybe something else. It's pretty complicated and I feel like I wrote too much already jdshfsd point is Shisui isn't in on a fun ride.

nOTP

nothing comes to mind atm maybe Homura and Koharu but mostly because he himself disses the shit out of them in novels and I adore it

random headcanon:

Eyeliner. Nonbinary bc I say so. Also, him and Hiruzen both actually going along when Minato became Hokage. Hiruzen wanted to retire, Danzo wanted an easy puppet to control. That didn't last lol

Was he related to destruction of Uzushio? Possible.

unpopular opinion:

I... greatly hate the general mischaracterisation Danzo has going on in fandom bc everybody need to villanize an antagonist further for shits and giggles.

No, he didn't "punish" people just bc he felt like it. He puts great faith and trust in his people/tools, and if they fail, he chooses to believe that a) they did their best and b) as such, it was his fault as he misjudged their capabilities. It's greatly expanded in Kinoe's backstory (oh the FOOD!!! though he still did some silly shit rip) where he becomes furious only when he realizes that Kinoe was doing things of his own choosing, going against Danzo's wishes. Siiigh. Dadzo was so nice too... I think a lot about him and Tenzo *happy sigh*

song i associate with them

A select few from my Danzo playlist are: Greetings from Califournia and Wires by the Neighbourhood, Vile World by PERTURBATOR, Happiness by Hurts, Animal Impulses by IAMX, We Want War by These New Puritans, Was Ich Liebe by Rammstein,

favorite picture of them

I did a powerpoint about this leave me alone

[dailylumi]

Jan 5th

Well looks like I forgot to write the second part for yesterday but oh well we move on and don't think about it.

I think today was a better day overall than the past few days in all honesty. I mean it was still a mixed bag kind of day but the good really carried me through the day to be honest.

To start, I've been really sleep deprived lately and today was no exception. I slept somewhere between 6-7 but I forgot about ember's appt so I had to get up at 9 to take him. Feel like that was my own fault among my other issues with sleep and my avoidance of it. But yeah very off state as usual and while I wasn't grumpy I felt a bit sensitive and just overall dread this morning.

I already feel embarrassed writing this next part cause I know they read this SAKSLDJ

I think the main turn around for the day was a phone call with my bff. I don't know it just meant so much and was just so nice. They're such a grounding person for me and I'm always so grateful with just everything. I dont know just the phone call made me finally feel like time slowed down for a second and forget about everything for a little while. It's kind of ironic since the time went by so fast on the phone LMAO. Really it was the sense of connection for me through the phone call. I know that I am always connected with them and I bother them literally all day but mental illness and boundaries just makes me feel disconnected when I know that isn't it all.

I feel like that left me with a lot of serotonin and feeling of ease like I was okay for the day. I feel like they do that a lot for me :( I tried to make myself sleep but I couldn't really force it so I read manga until I passed out for like 40 minutes. It was really short and I felt more tired when I woke up but I think it's probably good I got a bit more rest.

The rest of today felt slow. I didn't know what to really do but I ended up cutting my hair since it has been a bit. I think I'm always frustrated with my hair. It feels like there is nothing I can do with it and Ive just had the same overall short hair style my whole life. If it grows past a certain point it just becomes too curly to manages and dries out super fast. I wish I could experience a different hairstyle but that feels like a reach both from logical standpoints and from my lack of self esteem on the matters. I feel like id just look weird doing something new. One day I should try dyeing it maybe I wanna try.

Thinking about the future there is just so much that feels overwhelming but at the same time I know I'm not completely alone regarding it. I don't really wanna talk about the things changing in the future but maybe my worries.

Ive been so worried about the future and meeting people. I am someone who is so bad at first impressions and worried about upsetting others. I know that I would try my hardest to get along and not cross lines with people but Ive begun wondering if any of my habits would cause any issues. I just don't want to be hated or do something off putting especially since I can be unaware of things at times.

On a separate but slightly connected note I feel like I should try to be more outgoing and form an actual friendship. I think I am still acting a bit stand offish and shy and thats because I really am but also like what if I am hated lmaoo I usually don't care if others hate me because I am mostly disconnected from people but it feels like I can't be like that right now. It helps nothing and my anxiety won't let me.

Sometimes I really wonder if I ever let myself breathe or am I just someone stuck in an endless loop of mental illness and self deprecation lmao

I'll never really know but I don't think the answer matters as long as I don't cause others to feel suffocated by my issues and presence.

I think tomorrow might be a bit of a better day. I might see a friend in person that I haven't seen in like 7 months. So that might be interesting.

Can't believe I'm on a three day streak of posting. Hopefully I can continue