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mappingthesky · 2 months

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angst prompt idea: they get into a fight and nymphia says ‘just leave me alone’ in the height of emotions but doesn’t really mean it, and jane would actually leave thinking that’s what she wanted, making nymph cry even harder

basically miscommunication at its finest

i said leave (but all i really want is you)

It’s been building in the way that all breakdowns do.

Everything accumulates. The things that are all manageable in the moment - the insecurities, inconveniences, odd interactions and instances of discomfort - start to stack up, sticking to each other like snow, feather-light flakes amassing into unmovable drifts, and suddenly they’re an avalanche crashing down upon her. All at once it becomes unbearable - the weight of the world which Nymphia has fought so hard to remain soft in spite of.

It’s not the first time that Nymphia has hit a rough patch, but it’s the first time Jane is here to see it, and for some reason it’s making Nymphia spiral out, like swerving to avoid the ice and driving them right off the fucking road.

It could be because she’s used to dealing with this alone. That she’s used to everyone assuming she’s alright, used to disappearing until she can find it in herself to be sunny and bright once more. It could be that she’s scared to let Jane see her like this, scared that every day she remains sullen is doing irreversible damage to Jane’s vision of her, whatever it is, and replacing it with this - the slow blinking, soft-spoken, unsure, shell of a girl that Nymphia is lost somewhere inside of. It could be that Jane is being so sweet about it, that every one of her tireless attempts to lift Nymphia’s spirits so clearly comes from her heart, that she’s so obviously willing to do whatever it takes. It could be that, because with every one of Jane’s displays of affection meant to make her feel just a little bit better, Nymphia feels guiltier. More frustrated with herself and her inability to pull herself out of the hole she’s in. More afraid that it’s their grave. More afraid that she’s dug it herself.

Maybe that’s what’s scaring her into silence now, as Jane tries to will her to open. She’s been rattling off things they could do for a few minutes now, trying to coax Nymphia out of the apartment with the promise of a walk around the park, or a trip to the thrift store, or slurpees at 7-11. It’s been days of this, and Nymphia wants it to happen just as badly as Jane does - for something to light her up, to pull her from the place on the couch she’s content to spend the rest of her life wallowing in, for some miraculous gleam to pierce through the low-hanging fog that’s clouding her vision. Jane sighs, and Nymphia feels too heavy to hold.

It’s not Jane’s fault. She’s unfamiliar with the freezing over of Nymphia’s feelings, unprepared for her aloofness after the bright, sparkling fizz of the first few months. She’s doing the best she can with absolutely nothing to go off of. Jane asks for the second time if it’s anything she’s done, and Nymphia feels worse than she did the first. “It’s not you,” Nymphia says, and can’t quite admit the other half of it out of some newfound fear. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know how to stop it.

“You would tell me if it was me, right?” Jane asks and it’s like a knife, her voice a thin blade of worry. It cuts right through Nymphia - that Jane thinks she could be to blame, when Nymphia has created this hurt all on her own. The truth is that there’s nothing Jane could do that would hurt her quite like this, in the specific way that Nymphia hurts herself. She doesn’t know how to confess something like that, isn’t sure she would want to even if she did. All she can do is nod, and the hot tears spill over as the thoughts completely overwhelm her.

Jane’s oh, Nymphia is crushed with concern, and she moves to comfort her so instinctively that it makes Nymphia’s heart break all over again, because it’s Jane we’re talking about -Jane, the girl who was too shy to make the first move or say the first I love you or shed the first tear is now breaking through her own emotional barriers to comfort her, coming to Nymphia’s aid like it’s as natural as breathing, and Nymphia is the one that’s too emotionally tapped to know how to respond to that. She feels Jane wrapping around her even though she’s unsure, can feel her wondering how to go about putting her back together, and all Nymphia can manage in the face of Jane’s bravery is to cry into her hands.

“Baby,” Jane says, and Nymphia can hear it in her voice - the mounting desperation, the options she’s running out of. “What can I do?”

Nymphia doesn’t know why it happens - why she goes cold when she so desperately wants to be warm. Why she becomes so irritable, why she leans so hard into her roughness when she knows what she really is - patient, kind, loving. The truth is, she’s exhausted. It’s hard work to be so soft-hearted. Sometimes it’s too much to ask.

So all she does is shrug, mumbles that there’s nothing Jane can do. She hears the words come out of her mouth in slow motion, and doesn’t know why she can’t stop them, why she can’t seem to say this is enough. Just hold me until I stop feeling like this. Just see it through with me.

“Hey. Talk to me, Nymph,” Jane says, soft and urging, like she can sense the words Nymphia can’t seem to bring to the surface. It’s more of a plea than a command, but all Nymphia can hear is the frustration buried at the back of it - the part of Jane that surely must be exhausted from her unrewarded efforts, exhausted by Nymphia’s inability to keep it together.

“I can’t read your mind, baby,” Jane reaches out to brush Nymphia’s hair from her face like it’ll reveal something, like she’ll find some semblance of an answer there. “I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me,” Jane says as gently as possible, but it still sounds like a cue, like she’s begging for something to go off of.

“Okay,” Nymphia says, because she doesn’t have anything at all. “So go.”

She can feel it - the moment of impact. The moment Jane pauses, still mid-reach, still tucking Nymphia’s hair tenderly behind her ear. The moment lightning strikes, the moment the air goes electric.

Jane’s eyes go wide. She looks startled, dumbfounded, afraid to move. Her lips ghost open, breath visibly hitching in her throat. “What?”

”Go home,” Nymphia hears herself say, her voice a scrape against her own soul, a contradiction to everything she cares about. She sees Jane wince, watches as the reality sets in, and the right words feel farther away than ever.

“Nymphia,” Jane shakes her head, scrambling to find her footing amidst the shaking of the ground they’ve been standing on. “I don’t think I-“

”Just go, Jane,” Nymphia forces the words through her teeth and can’t seem to figure out why she sounds so angry.

She watches the pain rippling out across Jane’s face, the searing flare of her eyes. The way Jane watches and waits for Nymphia to change her mind, the way she looks like she’s going to reach out again but doesn’t, the way she awkwardly rises from the couch and looks around the room like she should have more to take with her. Like it’s wrong to leave without Nymphia beside her. The way she so obviously doesn’t know what to do with herself - whether to fight or to flee. The way she’s never sounded quite so meek as when she says goodbye and tells Nymphia to call her if she needs anything. The way she shuts the door so gently, like she’s trying to be silent, like she’s scared to upset Nymphia with something so insignificant as the click of the door even as she’s being shoved away. The way she pauses on the other side like she’s waiting for Nymphia to change her mind. The way that, when Nymphia doesn't move, her steps sound different as she walks the length of the hall - heavier, somehow. And then Nymphia knows why she’d sounded so angry - because she’s doing this to Jane. Because she’s doing this to herself.

There’s a few moments where she can bear the quiet, and then it all comes crashing down, because Nymphia is utterly, completely alone. Because she didn’t have to be.

Nymphia misses Jane from the moment she lets her slip away.

She spends most of the night sulking in it, recounting everything that led up to the moment when it all went wrong while the sun sets on her and what feels like everything else. She stays there until the room has gone dark, illuminated only by the far off glow of the hallway light, the blinking power button on the television, the electric green of the clock on the stove.

The night passes, and the sun rises whether she wants it to or not. She knows how this goes. She’s weathered this sort of storm before, knows that there’s nothing to do except feel her way through it. She’s done it before, but it’s not until she wakes that realizes she can’t do it again. Not in the same way she’s done it before. The ache is bigger now that she’s let someone in and shooed them away, and Nymphia desperately wants Jane to hold her hand through it, wants to go back in time and undo the thing that she thinks could do her in for the rest of forever.

She does it more times than she cares to admit - types out a long text message to Jane, deletes it, types a shorter one, deletes that too. The various iterations of the apology doesn’t matter. They all boil down to the same thing. i love you, i’m sorry, do you still love me?

They don’t matter, period, because Nymphia never sends them. She’s scared to see the damage she’s done, to inevitably take inventory of what survived her most recent storm. She hopes beyond belief that Jane will be the first to reach out, that she’ll magically know just what Nymphia needs in the way that all star-crossed lovers supposedly do, and is reminded fifteen times that afternoon that there is no such thing - that star crossed lovers are doomed from the start, that’s what makes them so. And just when Nymphia starts to think that Jane must truly hate her, that she must have already moved on and left Nymphia in the dust to chase after happier, more stable girls, she remembers that she’s the one who sent her away.

It’s on the third evening without Jane that Nymphia is forced to reemerge. She’s sat in the dark for longer than she cares to admit, has doom scrolled far past the point of finding anything interesting, and has effectively run out of anything remotely appetizing in the pantry. And so she rises, drags herself into the shower and lets the hot water remind her that there’s something inside her that can still be warmed. She pulls on something she can disappear inside of, sweeps her still-drying hair into a ponytail and slips on her headphones. When she emerges from her apartment building and onto the city streets, she’s reminded that there’s still a world out there - a world that will carry on with or without her, a world in which anything can happen. It doesn’t matter that she’s doing it on her own terms, replacing the noxious whirr of the world with her own personal soundscape - as she walks the seven minutes to the supermarket, she’s meeting that world halfway. It’s a win in itself.

She’s only feeling so brave on this particular trip, so she sweeps through the aisles quickly, eager to get home and label today a success, if only for her brief stint in human interaction. She plucks a few things off the shelves, whatever sounds remotely appetizing, and finds herself thinking of Jane; her insistence on satisfying Nymphia’s sweet tooth, on coming home with brown paper bags of flaky pastries or chocolate-covered confections or sweet, doughy balls of mochi. Missing Jane and all of the sweetness that comes with her, Nymphia rounds the corner, and nearly runs right into her.

Jane’s at the end of the aisle and reaching for a bag of those dark chocolates that she’s gotten Nymphia into, because of course she is. Her blonde hair is in a top knot and she’s dressed for comfort much like Nymphia is - leggings, a t-shirt, a cardigan slipping down her shoulder. She gasps ever so slightly, tugs the airpod from her left ear and looks back at Nymphia, a little awed and a little afraid. She looks so soft, so warm, so much like home that Nymphia just wants to curl into her, to give in to her completely.

“Hi,” Nymphia says and her voice wavers, because it’s the first word she’s spoken in two days, the first thing she’s said since she sent Jane away.

If the last Nymphia saw of her was Jane’s complete and total collapse, this is exactly the opposite. Jane’s eyes flash, her chest fills, and Nymphia wants to pour into her again and again. “Hi,” she says, and it’s almost a whisper, almost a smile on her lips.

Nymphia looks at Jane and doesn’t know where to start. There’s a breathlessness between them, a brink that they stand on together. Somewhere between uncertainty and sureness. Nymphia looks at Jane and knows where she wants to end.

Her eyes fall to the bouquet of sunflowers that peek out of Jane’s basket, pretty and plastic-wrapped. Nymphia has a horrible, gut-wrenching thought. Jane interrupts it.

”I, um,” Jane stammers, looking down and shaking her head at herself, mouth closing momentarily, a little ashamed of herself but admitting everything anyways. It’s a little sad, somehow still endearing. “I was gonna drop them off for you,” she shuffles her feet, avoiding eye contact. “And some other stuff,” she says, and Nymphia notices the things at the bottom of the basket. All of Nymphia’s favorites: the instant noodles, the hot chips, the loose leaf teas that Nymphia can never justify splurging on, and the strawberry bubblegum, and the dark chocolates with chili that Jane had been reaching for (because of course she did).

“Sorry. If that’s weird,” Jane sputters in the way Nymphia knows she does when she’s nervous. “I was going to call you. Or text. Um. But I didn’t-I didn’t know if you wanted to talk.”

“It’s not weird,” Nymphia blurts out, and Jane’s head snaps up. “It’s nice,” Nymphia hears herself say, but it’s so much more than that. “I wanted to text you.”

Jane blinks through the disbelief, and Nymphia wonders for the hundredth time what the last forty-eight hours have been like for Jane. Whether she spent them hoping beyond hope in the same way that Nymphia had. She thinks maybe she did, because:

“You did?”

It’s the shyest Nymphia has seen Jane since the very start, when both of them were so unsure and so obviously smitten in the way that women who fall for each other so often are: both so in love and so unwilling to believe that it could be possible.

”Yeah.” Nymphia suddenly feels like she could cry, and is suddenly aware that she’s feeling again. All at once she’s swept up in the exhilarating thrill of risking it all, of surrendering so completely to someone else. “I wanted to text as soon as you left.”

Jane’s breath sort of hitches and the look in her eye is so many things at once -hope, fear, relief, worry. They open their mouths at the same time, both start with, “I didn’t-”, both sort of gasp and start to laugh at each other, and it’s the best sound in the world, because Nymphia didn’t know if she could ever laugh again, if she’d ever hear that sound she loves so much - Jane laughing just for her.

“You go first,” Jane nods, and she could be giving Nymphia a second chance, except she doesn’t quite have to. Nymphia could never fail her, would never need a second chance. Jane would never write her off in the first place, would keep choosing her time and time again.

“I didn’t want you to go,” Nymphia says, because she wants to be honest with Jane; she feels that she owes her that much. So she speaks softly, slowly, making sure that every word is as close to what she means as possible. “I don’t know why I told you to leave. I was scared, I guess. I’m sorry.”

Jane shakes her head, “I didn’t want to go, Nymphia, I swear. I only did because I thought that’s what you wanted.”

”I know. I thought that’s what I wanted too.” Nymphia’s bottom lip is curling out and her eyes are starting to mist and she’s in the middle of a fucking supermarket. “But it’s not.”

Jane swallows. “No?”

“No,” Nymphia shakes her head, can barely get the words out without choking up, but she’s determined. She wants to. She doesn’t care who knows, just as long as Jane does. “I want you there with me.”

Through the first of the tears that are welling up in her eyes, Nymphia can see Jane resisting the impulse to reach for her, just barely holding herself back long enough to ask. “Can I-”

Nymphia sputters, half-laughing. “Please.”

This is the part that makes all the work of letting Jane in worth it - the part where Nymphia is completely enveloped by her, slotting so perfectly into place against her, because she isn’t meant to be alone. She’s meant to be with her. They aren’t star-crossed lovers destined for some ultimate doom, and they aren’t the stars of some great tragedy. They’re something so much simpler. Something so much better. They’re just each other’s people.

“Are you okay?” Jane says against her hair, not daring to let go, not even wanting to, because this is all she’s wanted from the start - to know what to do.

”I will be,” Nymphia squeezes tighter, eyes shut, savoring her return to safety. “Are you okay?”

”Yeah,” Jane says, and Nymphia can hear her smiling. “I think I will be too.”

#hi i never left here r my words :)#i can’t believe i haven’t posted a prompt in almost TWO WEEKS???#ITS BEEN SO LONG IM SCARED #headgleeksana did not beta read this one for me so don’t expect complete and utter brilliance…#if there r typos im so sorry but my eyes hurt i need to not look at a screen for a second #basically words r hard and this time they’re a lil too much for our girl. but it’ll be okay :)#nymphia having a sweet tooth is canon to me ok. I DONT CARE!!!#prompt #she writes #planymphia

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wain-wright · 1 month

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Pleased to inform tumblr i searched up transandrophobia (anti-transmasc) because I saw a screenshot of a post on another post and I thought it’s reasonable to say trans men will have experiences that are different from problems specific to trans women, and found more discourse than expected.

I genuinely don’t know what started the beef so lmk if I missed something huge, but here’s what I got.

TME (trans misogyny exempt) avowed word definer says that there is a kind of transphobia specific to trans women that isn’t universal to trans men. To which I say, yeah, in various ways. And then explicitly sets this against (as a part of defining this word, for some reason) to say there is no transphobia specific to trans men that isn’t universal to trans women. Which I think is wrong.

(there’s also this assertion that people bring up a word like anti-transmasculine to try to silence trans women, but nno.) it could happen but I doubt that is the actual drive for someone trying to talk about their own experiences.

An example provided in this weirdly thorough disavowal: a complaint of “not being respected by cis men” is just a general transphobia thing, not especial to trans men. Er, true, but you know this trans man meant “respected as men by cis men.”

It also implies that being gendered as "other" (as opposed to being simply misgendered) is specific to trans women, which is just incorrect. This is really bizarre. It happens in different ways to different people, but to say it doesn't happen at all is... internet discourser...

Oh, I see. This is based off of an analysis of the intersectionality argument. Really odd, though. TME definer says there’s no real point to saying anti-transmasc problems are real/worth "having a word?", while describing what can only be transphobia, specific to trans men. They’re kind of wandering around this but I think meant to engage in this seriously so I’m also writing seriously. Oho, but it's not merely a dismissal in day to day experience, but also severity.

The next objection is: Transmisogyny (anti-transfem attitude) is especially systemic (being transphobia (systemic) multiplied by misogyny (historically systemic)), unlike general transphobia (systemic) which just describes any problems a trans man AND trans woman may face. Alright, this seems … again like it’s going too far. Intersectionality as a term, which I see is referenced in structure here, was made to address a specific issue of legal analysis. It is not a law of language, experience, or definition. It was half procedural. The idea of intersectionality in practice, of course, is a little different. It’s frankly disingenuous to say only trans women can experience unique systemic issues more specific to being perceived as transfem, but trans men do not experience systemic issues that aren't unique to being trans men. This is mixing up the reality of the experience with a word definition by pretending there's a mathematical formula that applies only to trans women (because misogyny is real.) By definition of transmisogyny (issues specific to trans women) existing, this already implies by the style of definition there are different issues (specific to trans men) that are still systemic, it's fine if it has a word and is discussed, even and because it's specifically not transmisogyny. (which is getting confusing if being this specific with the definition of misogyny, even this specific "type" of misogyny as applied to any interaction at all, could apply to many transmasc experiences too, what's the issue.) Even if the sentiment you were trying to communicate is “trans women have worse problems for various structural reasons,” quibbling about trans men having trans man specific problems at all is a pointless way to try to demonstrate that.

You could say any regularly targeted and enforced by law disrespect or discrimination that leads to systemic issues like lower income, increasingly bad relationships, targeted worsening of quality of life, or less opportunities or general bad treatment growing up is “just transphobia” in this case, what’s the use of claiming only trans women suffer from it enough to speak about it with a word? This doesn’t work like that. You can’t separate it like “only transwomen” as suffering systemic discrimination. There is a difference in details, yes, but not separable by a word multiplier. Also, transmisogyny is also transphobia, yet there are clearly issues specific to being perceived as transfem.

The third objection is to say (not sure why this definition seems to be mostly arguing against the existence of trans men specific interpersonal or systemic issues, whats with this set up, some kind of discourse plant? like the claim that anything to do with pregnancy is actually purely misogyny or some random thing and not mostly specific to do with being a trans man. Sounds like an odd word game.) The argument goes (extremely strangely) on to claim anti-transmasc/transandrophobia as a word and consequently in entire concept is fishy because it implies misandry is equal to misogyny, because transmisogyny says its an intersection of transphobia and misogyny, and misandry isn’t systemic but misogyny is- so logically… to complain about trans men specific problems is about as valid as complaining men are systemically oppressed (nb person, no)

That’s genuinely not how that intersectionality paper is meant to read. It’s not a rulebook to making definitions people are allowed to talk about or acknowledge as existing. It is true anti-transmasc problems will not be specifically defined as an intersection between misandry and transphobia, but is instead, a kind of experience specific to being perceived as transmasc. However, it's still clearly distinct and a real cultural experience different from being perceived as transfem.

#okay hit me whats the fight even about #is this a fight?#im sorry but also why does the word itself matter so much these are category labels #like describing racism against one race in one country isnt a disavowal of racism amonst poc or whatever. agh old style discourse #ok corrected typo #i will clean it up later #also ppl conceptualize misogyny slightly odd here but whatever

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p4nishers · 1 year

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you what i really love about good omens? the way they made heaven. it's almost like people imagine it, white and enormous and full of light, but in good omens, it was twisted and made into something real. something cold and unwelcoming and ruthless and full of the wrong kind of light. worse, even, then hell. because there, at least seems to be some kind of familiarity, some kind of understanding between demons because they were all angels once and they all fell. but heaven is empty, it's echoing and the angels are far more heartless, far more merciless. it shows, that just because people assigned good and bad to things, doesn't mean it actually applies to them. but like, that's basically what's good omens is about, isn't it? that you can't define things as good and bad because there's no such simpleness anywhere. we may feel some fondness for God because They're narrating the story but we can never fully care for Them as a character because They're just letting things happen as they do and that's exactly what real life is like. i just keep thinking about how hell had a trial, even if a poor one, for crowley but heaven didn't even try. the one place we actively consider as bad and evil had the decency to put someone on trial while the supposed representations of goodness cast aside their own without flinching. i suppose what im trying to say is that i appreciate the thought that hell is not such a bad place to be or vice versa heaven is not actually that good of a place to be.

#yesh ok this has been said before hundreds of times but i felt i needed to say it also #idk im reading the 'pray for us icarus' series and it's really making me sentimental over every bullshit imaginable #im not rereading this so sorry if there are typos #good omens #good omens s2 #neil gaiman #azicrow

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pprodsuga · 3 months

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(i'm the same anon that just sent an ask abt tides of regret hehe) i needed to send this in a second one cause i felt like it was too long lol. your sense of empathy is SEEPING through the words. i get the feeling that you have just have a good heart, idk :) your characters are so mature and thoughtful and also empathetic and it's so refreshing. i suppose i envy them a bit :')

this is singlehandedly the kindest thing a stranger has ever said to me…i’ve been reflecting a lot about the friendships i maintain and these past few weeks felt like a test, of sorts. reading this restored a lot of confidence i had in myself and i’m incredibly humbled and thankful that you think this of me.

there’s always a part of me in every story and every character i write. i’m so happy to know the enha i wrote resonated with you. empathy is such a fickle thing and i’m under the impression that i’ll always try to be the best person i can be by doing what’s right and good. i believe you can be that way too, if you wish.

you are so beautiful. know that.

#ask #no when i tell you i cried for maybe ten minutes i mean that literally #i don’t know a few of my friends were disrespectful towards me #and made me feel a little upset for standing up for myself #and in my personal life it felt like there were seldom people who stood up for me other than myself #i say that to illustrate just how impactful this message is #because i felt so numb for a few weeks and reading this brought me to tears because it reminded me that i am indeed a good friend #and i need to embrace all the good inside of me u know #NOT TO BE CHEESY BUT LIKE U DONT UNDERSTAND IM SO HUMBLED WND TOUCHED #me when im blushing #ok now im ranting at this rate but anyway i am so thankful that our paths crossed #sorry 4 any typos lol #tides of regret asks #anonymous #nice things

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noorthefool · 1 month

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for reasons related to a certain english actor making a possibly questionable relationship decision

lmao, lol even

but on a serious note, don't idolize celebrities they all suck in one way or another, so don't get your hopes up too much with any of them. you can like people's work and/or find them attractive but not see them as perfect, actually you have to not see them as perfect because if you do, you'll set yourself up for disappointment. people will fuck up (especially dumb rich people). and if you feel like that fuck up is big enough that you now dislike that person then good for you! but you also need to be normal about it

also please don't harass people like in general

#this suuuucks #but i feel like the response to this is too much?#like you'll be ok he's not the last good looking man on earth let him do dumb shit #i understand the people who are mad i don't like Doja cat that much ether but its not the end of the world grow up #some of you are acting like he murdered someone get a grip 💀#joseph quinn #also ill still post about this man #i pirate everything anyway whether or not he ends up being an ass he's not getting money from me #also sorry if this is hard to read/has too many typos im dyslexic

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abigail · 10 months

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besties. 🫣 I am a tiiiiny bit tipsy and I asked my partner if they would learn a song on guitar for me to sing along to and they said yeah of course and that they like my singing and idk.. I've wanted to and thought about doing music since i was a kid tbh but always thought i was no good and maybe I'm not buy hey. i have a loving partner who will learn to play a song on guitar for me so i can sing along and idk.. thats so nice.. even if I'm no good that's fine.. i have someone who loves me and supports me :-)

#it took me 1000 years to type this maybe im more tipsy than i thought lol #sorry if typos/doesnt make sense. had various booze lol #anyway now to pick a song lol #i feel like my vocals would be ok to cover ethel or lana MAYBE… but maybe i am delusional lmao #why am I ending every sentence with lol or lmao as if it’s a full stop someone hit me with a brick #a

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evilfreminet · 4 months

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Gegeegeggsgdhdhbsbxbhdbdhdhhehdhehehe

#his yteeth #im so obsessed wiyth this beta session #he makes me.ill #He's so gorgeous #His hair is so cyute #Ans the shark motif....#FATESD SOULMATES #ok sorry.#freminet #fremposting #genshin freminet #genshin fanart #color practice #I MADE TWO TYPOS IN THIS?

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cerealmonster15 · 7 months

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hi. i posted my fankids earlier so now welcome to cereals caterella multiverse chart kjlfdsjklfjs click for better view but also my handwriting sucks and i made this in like 2022ish in the privacy of discord dms so ill do my BEST to retype all the words and explain under the cut as much as i can/remember LET'S GOOOO

god where to even start. hi. ummm ok so caterella, for general context, is something i'd see around occasionally in people's fanarts/theories/aus/etc of cater being in a cinderella role, i think inspired by him talking about how he has 2 older sisters that are kinda bossy.

over time i went into the madness. and i cannot commit to one idea so i just have Several and this was my attempt to "organize" lol. cater is the protagonist in all of them, and not everyone is a love interest, it all DEPENDS!

oh i also wrote in the bottom right corner: * they can all be in standard au [i think i meant like, canon compliant lol] but some are specifically here w/one specific story involved (????) (IDK LOL)

let's start with... [im gonna rewrite the text but also add bits for context lol]

"That Guy" Trey:

unassuming love interest

usually not actually a prince [some of these aus are actual royalty aus i guess lol]

"bake :) or bff" <- i think i was trying to say he's a baker and if he's not a love interest he might just be in there as cater's supportive bestie.

line to cater: either bff -> lovers or baker for a red herring prince surprise romance [??? girl help decoding my phrasing here is gonna be so hard]

underneath i wrote (or secret prince?) but i dont think i ever explored that possibility lol

i always have to explain why i keep calling trey "that guy" lol. it's cuz in the original jpn twst, during the scalding sands visit event, when cater was announcing he invited trey to come, the fan translation said cater was saying something like "and who's caykuns mystery guest? it's THAT GUY!" and then trey appeared or something lfdskf i dont remember exactly but i know he was called That Guy and so my friend and i were calling trey That Guy for sooooo long.

ok so i think what i was trying to say for the most part is that trey is a friends to lovers surprise love interest in scenarios where the main plot makes you THINK the love interest is a fancy prince, hence the "red herring prince" comments. i have a google doc that mentions this that ill copy/paste after i get through each person's general primer but for now let's move on!

"Hornton" Malleus:

he is lost + confused

secret prince

✨mystery✨

another green guy

line drawn to cater: prince not invited to leona's party, solidarity w/cay?

^another storyline i get into in the google doc lol. i think this one is specifically an actual not nrc AU where cater is trying to go to a prince's ball and leona's the one throwing the ball lol. we'll get to that!

i dont talk about it here but i also had an au based off a song i listen to [tir a nog i think?] where malleus is a fae prince from an enchanted forest and cater's sick of his everyday working life and wants to run off to a fanciful land, meets malleus, malleus wants cater to runaway with him back to his fanciful forest and BE HIS BETROTHED or whatever lol. i have a few doodles of it somewhere and i still think about it sometimes

the really long outer squiggle line is drawn between malleus and leona on the chart and just says GRRR lol, they have beef which we will GET TO LATER and i mean also canon beef lol. u already know that.

"Fairy Godmother" Lilia:

cryptic support to mal and cay

knows things but will withhold lore for a more interesting story

mentor to malleus

basically like regular lilia lol hes a bestie and a mentor and a wingman depending on the situation. i think in the cater going to the ball au in one instance he is more of a literal fairy godmother support, other aus he is more figurative lol like the supportive bestie!!

[im going in mostly clockwise order but i def wrote these out of order when i made it so thats why the numbers are off LOL] [i skipped idia but i put him in way later/last so ill get back to him sdfjklds]

"...Fairy Godmother 3" Azul:

contract wishes

😒

line to cater: hires @ mostro lounge to fund the 'date vil' campaign which leads to [jade route]

i go more into this in the google doc also but i actually made a post about that one ill link it in a sec foooorrr.....

"Mushroom Man" Jade:

not a prince

standard universe

secret, unexpected love interest

line to cater: bonding while working together; the vil goal is slowly forgotten in favor of new bond with jade (alt angst if cay still goes for vil)

ummm teehee. i go way more into detail in THIS POST HERE where i doodled the concept out and talk about it more

"Shitty Banana Prince" Leona [SORRY FSKLJDFJDSKLFJ]:

red herring prince [as in hes usually not actually a love interest but is there to make you think he is but it's actually someone else's route]

sometimes just here to be divorced to someone when it's funny [i think im talking about vil and malleus mostly here lol]

the banana thing is bc how in twst canon, grim calls savanaclaw "bananaclaw" once and after that my friend and i have forever called them the banana boys ksdlfjdls it has nothing to do w/the aus

anyway the line from cater to leona: forbidden crush on prince he doesn't actually know, leading to another route (usually trey)

other line: alt: DIVORCE(lol) <- i didnt elaborate here but i have to assume i was talking about the concept idea i wrote in THIS POST about cater/leona being bitter exes/having had a summer fling making things awkward in book 2....

i have since started liking leona/cater a little less ironically lately [tbh i dont think it was ever ironic i was just in denial lol] so um. id probably have mentioned it here if i made this chart later l o l

oh also the line between him and vil: also sometimes divorced ♥

ok moving on for now!!!!!!

"✨Sparkling Prince✨" Vil:

standard prince/love interest

sometimes a red herring in other routes

other times more of a supporting pal w/connections

exes w/leona when it's funny

cater -> vil: fanboy crush ♥

vil -> cater: slow, tsundere crush lol

rook & vil: "lol do u like him?" + ♥ <- ill explain in rooks section hang on lol

once again stay tuned for the google doc shit vil comes up there too lol dsjklfjdslf im so glad i found that doc before i started this bc i forgot about a lot of it. ANYWAY

"Fairy Godmother...2!" Rook:

line to cater: cryptic support

vil's pal, but his partner in non-vil routes

knows all. ALL.

jskdljfdskl so ya rook is like #1 supporter in the cater/vil romance routes, but bc i love rook/vil also, in any cater/someone else routes, rook is probably dating vil instead/eventually lol bc i LOVE THEM SO MUCH anyway.

rook has so much lore but just like lilia hes weird about it. he cant just TELL YOU things outright. where's the mystique. come on now.

"Prince Charming" RSA OC... I have not named him yet <- I hadn't named him til after i made this chart but THIS IS CHAR!!!!

standard au

childhood au

potential red herring

char -> cater: had a crush on cater as children; thinks meeting again is fate

cater -> char: ??? were each others first kiss as kids, but what does it mean now 🤔 [i was being ambiguous on how cater feels about char lol. he may or may not return the feelings depending on the branch]

i go WAAAAAAAAY too deep into the au in THIS POST. Dañarte didn't exist yet when i made this chart so he originally wasnt involved but he sure as hell made his way into the narrative later lol.

i started writing actual story during nanowrimo but dear god it's such a task. idk if i will ever post that or if ill just forever do random lore/doodle posts, and i if i did start posting it, it would be a very casual multichapter sandbox zone for me lol. very messy soap opera energy. we'll see.

anyway i dont remember how much i mention it in the post but char was also i think potentially there to be a rival for other characters. like oh nooo prettyboy from rsa is here to sweep cater off his feet, u better act fast!!!!! jldkfjklsdjfkldsjf i love being corny. anyway moving on,

"Fairy Godmother 4" Kalim:

platonic prince pal [uhh idk if i meant that in some of the aus kalim is a prince, or if this was way back in the early days where i still had misunderstood kalims family and thought he was a prince lol]

connections and money

confused, but spirited

line to cater: bestie nooo don't text ur ex- <- i have a very specific memory of a doodle i did of cater, i think in pop music club, taking out his phone and going "im gonna text my ex" and kalim running for his phone going "BESTIE NOOOO" and i maybe was referencing a meme sorta??? or just a vibe idk. multi layered. anyway idr if i had a specific ex in mind here [it was maybe leona????? bc i DID write that alt:divorced thing for cater and leona.]

it ironically does fit in my char branch once i came up with the shit with dañarte as cater's ex lol but ik that's not what i meant here bc like i said, he didnt exist yet at this time!!!

ok much later i added in idia lol

"MARSHMALLOW fae prince eppa lol" Idia:

aw man i didnt write any notes here LOL but that's ok i know what this was about. this is also the forbidden marshmallow thing i mentioned on the fankids post earlier today sdkjfjdskl

anyway. i maybe mentioned it here once idr butttttt marshmallow eppa stuff. that's a lot of inside jokes my friend and i stacked over time

marshmallow: a few years ago i was drawing cater x various ships loosely for white day bc i didnt get a chance for valentines day or something? idia's thing was giving cater a marshmallow lol. so we have a lot of jokes about idia leaving anonymous marshmallows for cater and cater being like aw man i dont even like sweets. who is doing this to me kflsdfjsl

eppa. ummm. when i was trying to come up with char's name, one of the possibilities was eppa. but my friend came up w/the idea i think of idia having like a fake rsa prince persona that cater falls for, instead of char being a real guy [i split the aus instead lol] and that inspired me to write a little bit based on that idea. i explain it a bit and also posted the [unfinished] story chunks in THIS POST. it would eventually have a happy ending i just didnt intend to write the whole thing so it ends a bit awkwardly here LOL i only wrote a little bit

ok NOW i can talk about the other google docs. kdsjfkldsjkfl from 2 years ago.... ill copy paste exactly what i wrote [and only edit typos/autocorrects lol] and try to explain after if it's needed

[DOC START]

Something something cater wants to go to a party / ball / whatever held by Leona’s family or something. idk what type of universe this AU is exactly but shhh details whatever. It’s a fancy party with attractive people and cater wants magicam pics!!! Maybe also 2 find a prince to fill the lonely void in his heart lol, and Leona is the red herring prince that caters like “omg he’s dreamy maybe He’s The One”

Vil is there for some reason. Maybe he has an invitation as a celebrity guest and cater is begging him to let him in as a plus one? Vil says no and warns him not to try and get in bc guys like Leona suck anyway or something idk (blah blah leonavil divorce lol). Vil doesn’t even wanna go but he has to for his image , and tells cater it’s for his own good that he’s not taking him 🏃

So caters pouty , and I think this could have different alternate routes.

One route: he doesn’t find a way in but is curious anyway and finds himself going to the forest outside the venue and hears the jams and stuff, and he’s like “wow why am I so sad that I’d go skulk around the outside of a party I’m not even invited to” and he hears a Voice “you were not invited either, hmm?” And caters like AAAAAAA and it’s a mysterious tall horn man lol. Hornton tells cater that every year his invitation is claimed to have been “lost in the mail” but he’s pretty sure they just don’t send it bc he and the prince don’t get along. Cater is about to ask how this guy knows the prince , but then the distant music gets all slow and sweet and the mysterious man asks cater to dance with him there in the forest ✨

Something something idk where it goes after that but eventually cater learns that guy is Also A Prince lol, his dream of finding prince charming fulfilled. Maybe sometime between meeting malleus and before the conclusion, lilia is the ~fairy godmother~ role of mysteriously befriending cater and being messenger between the two (thinkin about the role he plays in giving yuu that holiday card lol, stuff like that)

Another route: cay cay is sulking and goes to hang out with his good buddy pal kalim, who is this route’s ~fairy godmother~ bc when cater is all 😔 about the party, kalims like “oh! I’ll take you :) I was invited too!” And he buys cater a fun and fancy outfit to wear.

But then ! Kalim learns that cater wants to go and meet prince Leona, and Kalim is 😬 bc Leona is. not the warmest guy in the world lol. But he doesn’t want to crush his friend’s dreams 🥺 so he has to think of a plan to get him off the Leona track!!! He goes to Jamil, who is like, idk his chef or whatever, bc Jamil knows Leona’s chefs too bc Kalim and Leona’s families know each other and go to each other’s events and hold joint events idk whatever blah blah lol

Anyway point is Jamil knows trey , I don’t know how that really helps anything tho LOL. I think Kalim is like “Jamil help me !! We gotta find other people for cater to talk to at the party so he doesn’t meet Leona and get his heart broken!!!” And jamils like “why does he wanna meet Leona. ew.” And kalims like idk bestie 😖

Anyway. They get to the party and Kalim is trying to introduce cater to every friend/acquaintance he has. Vil spawns a few times and is like cater 😒 I warned u not to come 😒 and caters like 😤 you’re not the boss of me vil!!!

Cater also gets kinda drained from the tons and tons of people he and Kalim are meeting and chatting with. Jamil is lurking and watching like 👀 🤔 and goes to cater and offers to let him come rest a moment in the kitchen staff room and hide from the bustle of the party. Cater is flustered that Jamil could see he was feeling tired lol, but agrees anyway.

They go and that’s where he meets TREY, who is there taking a break and idk just made tea that he offers Jamil and cater. They sit and chat a few minutes before Jamil makes a convenient excuse to leave the room and “check on something” aka just leave those 2 alone to bond lol.

Something something they bond really well and dance together in the kitchen break room or whatever idk lol, cater gives trey his number, so operation distract cater from Leona is a success yaaaaaaay

Maybe another secret route with vil, like surprise he’s trying to keep cater from Leona not only bc Leona Sucks but also bc he likes cater lol 🤫

Not related to caterella at all really but too bad close enough it goes in the doc.

Based off the Japanese version (🥲 eng twst whyyy lol) of that one story between cater and vil where cater says he thought about dating him / vil says dating him would be Expensive lol, au where caters like ok fine challenge accepted, cay cay finds a JOB and ends up… resorting to…. Getting a job at mostro lounge 🤧 to fund his date with vil one day lol. He probs bickers with the fish but also is maybe decent at it bc he’s a chatty boy so he’s like , a fun cute waiter people like having lol, and he’s used to having to work with riddle and the crazy queen rules so like, yeah I don’t think he’d LIKE the job but I think he’d survive, while also complaining to trey and riddle about it who are like “you willingly chose to do this” lol. Anyway plot twist vil was another red herring bc this was secretly a cater/Jade story all along WAHAHA. Idk just I think it’d be cute if they bonded over time working together lol. Coworker enemies to friends to lovers or whatever. Bonus points if Jade liked cater from the start but was just being a weird fish about it so cater was like “ah, psychological warfare, this one is my enemy”

[DOC END]

sorry i kept dunking on leona so hard LOL i think it's funny when characters have beef with each other and i especially love the beef leona has with both malleus and vil in canon skldjfkldsjf. ok that last part with jade is just the stuff that got mentioned in the post i linked in the jade section lol. but the other bits i think were ambiguous not nrc au but i didnt really specify the worldbuilding bc i mean... i wasnt writing a fic i was just having so many ideas LOL

ok we are almost done but while i have u here im just gonna copy past another doc from later that same year KLFJDSKLFJDKSL it's shorter and not really 'caterella' but at this point i kinda call a lot of my cater ship ideas caterellas lol

context i THINK i wrote this when i was falling asleep and also i was still kicking and screaming about using leona for stuff kLJFKDLSJFDLS SORRY I WAS SUCH A HATER and now i have like. a begrudging love-hate relationship with him. hes a bitch but he is a very interesting character 😔 ok i digress that's not the point here kfljdsflks ANYWAY REALLY QUICK CONTEXT the following doc was also bc i couldnt stop fuckin thinking about that flying class leona line where he goes "i caught a bird." bc like wtf. why. cat behavior. put it back u bitch. and then i also would think about how cater and leona both stand on their broom and are regarded as really good fliers. ok ok ok ok let's go

[DOC START]

UGH lol

Leona and the bird right. It’s joint flight class, Leona and cater are standing all cool on their brooms and caters trying to get a selfie, Leona’s like 😒

Then Leona catches a bird for no reason, as he does, like a cat, and caters like omg ur reflexes are so cool LEMME TAKE A PIC PLZZZZ PLZ PLZ PLZZZZZ and Leona’s like fine whatever do what you want

Cut to Kalim on the ground like omg I didn’t know cater and Leona were friends!! The second years are sitting in the grass doing stretches for some reason I guess lol. riddles like they’re not friends, wtf is he doing up there 😒

Kalim checks his phone and sees the pic cater posted , and looks back up where caters still hovering around Leona and smiling, and he’s like OMG do u guys think they’re dating!!!! Did Leona ask cater out with this bird??????

Jamil’s like 😒 wtf why would he do that

And kalims like idk what else would he catch a bird for cater for!!!!!

By the end of the day the rumor shot through the school

Ruggie tells Leona but Leona doesn’t care , rumors are rumors

Then the tabloids are like “second prince Leona might’ve finally found his life companion?!” And Leona still doesn’t care bc tabloids are dumb and they’ll move on eventually when they realize it’s not true

But then Leona’s brother calls and is like “Leona! You didn’t tell me you’d found someone special?? I had to find out through cheka showing me an article online!!! When are you gonna bring this cater boy to meet the family??” And Leona’s like wtf 😠 so he goes to heartslabyul like “hey 😤 wtf is this rumor” caters like I didn’t do it 😒 you literally watched me post the bird pic and that was it, I said NOTHING of romance 😤

Meanwhile lilia: oh my, you’d best find a bigger bird with shinier feathers before it’s too late

Malleus: [brooding sounds]

Azul: ……what kind of bird do you think Jamil likes….

Floyd: I know! But I’m not telling :)

Birds flock to silver like the Disney prince he is, people probably think he’s got a secret fiancé lol

NO I don’t know where this is going but I thought it was funny

[DOC END]

fjsdlkfjdlks ok sorry this one actually needs some explaining probably bc like most of these docs theres a lot of inside jokeys/references to many convos we'd have on the characters lol

one point is that we used to joke about like, sitcom style rumors growing out of hand and SO fast. especially with the first years + kalim and silver, but i guess in this case it was the second years, with still kalim LOL jsdklfjds.

second i have many ships. i like bringing them up when theyre not relevant. i like lilia being an embarrassing dad and wingman for malleus. i guess malleus has a crush on cater in this scenario bc i have always LOVED cater/malleus lol.

of course i found a way to mention jamil/azul sjklfjdsljfdlsj i think my friend and i would also joke a lot about azul having a crush on jamil and being kinda jelly that floyd gets to hang w/him at basketball practice/floyd being a little bitch about that for fun KJFDSKLFJKDSLJF

bird proposals. it's absurd but i think these goofyass kids would believe anything if you said it convincingly enough. remember how for like 10 seconds ruggie and the other banana boys thought leona had literally turned into a tsumtsum. anything is possible.

ok dear god my hands are going to cramp ive been typing for like 2 hours. if anyone read this entire thing im very impressed but i highly doubt many people did LOL but that is ok 😌 just looking at the pictures or skimming is so understandable. so is scrolling away bc this was so long LOL OOPSIEEEEEE anyway. i finally got over myself. i have so may thoughts in my head at all times and im literally always bursting at the seams to talk about them. hi. hello.

ok bye KLFDJSLFJDSKL

#uhhh #cereal tries to draw #cereal writes #and also?#caterella #just so i can find this post easier. im sure ill be looking for it one day #and bc i link like 3 other posts in this one lol it's a good ref spot #lies facedown on the floor. do u understand why i kept putting off sharing this LOL #sorry if i missed any typos or if anything uhh. didnt make sense #probably a lot of it doesnt make sense LOL oh well I TRIED #but. i can always explain more. if needed jkfdlsjfkldsj #OK BYE FOR REAL

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pbaintthetb · 1 year

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ok i didn't say it earlier i deleted it from teh tags on a post in my queeu but gonna say it LOUD and PROUD

NIe Huasiang toally would have cannibalised a person if he genuinely thought it would help with him wit hhis aims of justice/revenge/vengenace

#mdzs #nie huaisang #like #he owuld #ok #ther'es #something about moral bankruptycy and relase and freeodm and depseratoin and the holding onto one thin gin to avoid the vast nothingness #not knowing that that' what the vast nothingness is #nothing but htat one concete anchor point of rage #like what can be tabboo to #he basically nearly murders several people and im not even talking jgy #he would ahve done it #i mean im gad we didn't see it #but this is a deeply gloruoiosuhgy unhgined man #sorry for the typos but not really #being alone when you're angry and you cant even take a nap to sort it out #would make you go insane in ways that cannot be comprehended simply #the self control on that man to not simply just snapp

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suzakus-canon-wife · 4 months

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Guys,,, would Kabr.u love me?

#THIS IS NOT AN EMO POST !!!!!#i just like to think he does sometimes ^_^#im thinking about him so much #i miss him om #ok #sorry swedish typo

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kiwibirdlafayette · 1 year

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chaos and balance- the capsize

"i don't think you understand what's actually happening here. If you'd just open your bloody fucking eyes, it's pretty obvious."

Chaos and Balance is a narrative playlist that basically comprises, in a chronological order, my headcanon for the progression of cTom Syndicate and cJordan's relationship through the course of S1, S2, the divorce arc (post-canon part 1), Mianitian Isles and the Aftermath (post-canon part 2, aka Gays on A Boat, Aitheaca, etc.) It started mainly because I really love the potential of using music to tell stories, and how lyrics can be representative of feelings seldom expressed any other way- based on both canon moments, moments I've interpreted as significant to their relationship/overall arcs, and little interludes I've written that take place in between episodes/"off camera" that connect things together in my head. All this being said, it is primarily headcanons, and is purely for fun. dont like dont read lmao

This specific being how keeping in the canon nonsense of capsize x jordan plays a role in cSyndisparklez from my pov :] enjoy!

(Red lyrics are representative of Jordan’s voice, green is Tom! Bolded black is both of them)

The shenanigans of Capsize happen just after falling for the villain,

in which Jordan is forced internally for the first time to come to terms with the fact that yes, he is in love with his friend/enemy/however you wanna put it. Despite how much he annoys him, despite all of his questionable behavior, despite it all, he has fallen head over heels for this absolute bastard of a man, and hates to admit it, but deep down has longed for a kind of affection that he could have.

I'll take my timeI'm not the forward thinker; you read my mind-

But a part of him still remains hesitant, and for one reason or another, refuses to give in, to openly admit it to not just others but himself. It’s at this point (I’ve written in) that Tom’s kissed him twice. The first, just a little peck on the lips he was able to brush off as a joke, just a hahaa ok cool bro that's funny. But the second time, as a cheap play by the zombie to get a purge kill having already caught the Ianitee off guard. It's irritating for sure, to have him weasel his way into free points by taking advantage of a distraction that worked a little too well, but why could he not get it out of his head? It hadn’t felt so wrong, actually, and… he had almost hoped it had been genuine. If it had been genuine, maybe he would have returned the gesture.

Better to leave it unsaidWhy can't I leave it unsaid

Instead they dance around it in banter, blathering on and on to one another in often complete nonsense, refusing to address what’s really on his mind. (You know I talk too much) He could confess, sure. But what happens then? All the meanwhile, Tom is scared he’s losing him. (As I hold your face, I can't find the words I need, and soon the opportunity is drowning)

Never someone all that good with words, he kind of hopes that Jordan will catch on. He has to catch on, sooner or later.. Right?Z

And then Capsize and the Ianitee pirates show up. To Jordan, it seems like she’s interested in him beyond him just being another follower of Ianite, and there’s his escape. Play along, play the part and maybe- maybe he’ll get over this.

You know my type, tightrope across the table I can't keep holding my breath

She seems to be into it. She’s responding to his flirting at least. See. He doesn’t need Tom. An Ianitee and another Ianitee seems more acceptable to him in his head, and maybe would be easier. That about, he’s not really sure.

New wave, no time Red velvet under pressure

But what Jordan does know is that he’s drawn to her. To him, it could be a way to forget about Tom. To the varied onlooker, it could just be that he’s happy to have another Ianitee around. Someone who can relate to his experience, someone who’s out to find their goddess just as much as he wants to. But he continues to conflate the two and pursue her in a way that he won’t realize for years is less than ideal.

It sparks my memory when we parked aside the shore, I kissed you there, the ocean air enchanting It escapes me quickly

Tom on the other hand, is for lack of a better word furious. Not in like a “I’m gonna murder this pirate captain for stealing my man” (because if he’s honest she’s one of the coolest people he’s met and he’s gonna befriend her whether Jordan likes it or not, with him claiming it to be ‘Mr. steal your gal’ which is??? Because does it really seem like he wants Capsize, if not as a spiteful thing)

When Jordan’s not around, Tom and Capsize hit it off, as she finds this zombie who doesn’t want to flirt with her at any given moment a lot more of an interesting person. As a Dianitee, he’s supposed to be their enemy, but for someone so supposedly dedicated to his god, he knows how to carve his own path away from being more than his god’s messenger- something she’s always admired in champions.

You call me poison, but you won't stop coming around- No, you won't stop coming around

For the purpose of perhaps getting Jordan to get the hint, Tom plays into their supposed love triangle, pretending to do things to ‘steal away Capsize’, only feeding into Jordan’s confusion. *Now Tom’s interested in her too? Is he trying to move on from me too? *- clearly to dense to realize Tom’s trying to get his attention back. She even admits to Tom that it's amusing that men seem to keep coming after her, when she’s very much more into women (abridged, but direct quote)

All I want is you- Your violet disposition, My unsound intuition

It all sort of culminates in that moment on Jordan’s ship where Tom, annoyed from his perch, watches his friend make an absolute fool of himself over Capsize, and decides to intervene, taking on the role of “fighting” Jordan over her. Capsize in a way is having a good laugh watching them roll around on the deck of the ship (I’ve drawn this, this is where it all started), starting to see it all sort of come together as to where Jordan could be coming from. At some point, Tom’s got Jordan pinned to the deck, and as one last desperate attempt at trying to communicate what he’s been trying to all along, he kisses Jordan, and much to his surprise, he kisses him back. They pull away, to Capsize’s approving nods, and it's all over.

(Jordan’s attempts at saving this are my interpretation of this conversation, aka one of my favorite chat threads of S1)

In the aftermath of all of that (If I had any semblance of a memory I’d pinpoint when exactly this interlude takes place, but im just ballparking it somewhere after Jordan dies in Tom’s vault bc Capsize doesn’t save him); in which he’s still thinking about what happened that day. Jordan reluctantly confronts Tom who spills it all. He tells him how much and how long he’s been in love with him, and how frustrated it made him that every time he kissed Jordan, Jordan never seemed to reciprocate no matter how obvious his feelings were. He’s tried so hard to make it clear that all he wants is Jordan, he wants to be loved back, he wants to be able to call him his lover. He did what he did in front of Capsize cause the fake ass courting set him over the edge because it pissed him off that Jordan would so quickly go after someone he just met just because she was an Ianitee or whatever to get away from him, because was he really that bad that Jordan had to try to hard to stay away from him? Tom knows he had himself to blame as well, but it felt like a step too far.

Always been looking for something to lose, when I needed something to hold onto.

(This sequence is followed by Pull Me Up, which. If you haven’t seen my CMV that’s the one xD)

Note. For my sanity I choose to perceive that any capsize x jordan moments following are more related to Jordan’s ‘holiest of all Ianitees’ attitude and feeling like he has to be her savior (which is a different aspect of his character arc from the romantic side, which is what I mostly wanted to focus on with this ramble, but i do touch on it a little. It's not as ever present as it could be because I haven’t found the right song to incorporate it into outside of Violet and Talk Too Much) But there is definitely more. This is from what i have notated in my stuff for these two sequences :] enjoy!

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autisticlee · 1 year

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contrary to my last post...how do you know if you're aromantic, or you just haven't found the mythical and elusive "THE ONE" everyone keeps going on about and promises me I will find?

every time I say i'll never date or find someone I can't stand being around or who will like me, someone always 100% of the time tells me "you have to keep looking! you will find The One™ one day! they're out there! they're real!"

i've wondered if i'm aromatic for my whole life (or at least since I learned that was a thing when I got internet as a teen) but how do you know

I feel like when I see kther aro people out there, they are so sure of themselves! they know how aro they are and aren't questioning it. it's like how I know for sure i'm asexual (being sex repulsed made that one easy lmao) but aromatic seems different and less solid.

generally, I don't care. i'm not looking for a partner and don't generally think I want one. i'm fine alone/without a relationship. it seems like tol much work and trouble. I can't even make and keep friends! why would I date?

but I feel very lonely seeing everyone in my life pair off and I have no one to rely on or lean on. I would love to have a best friend or small group of close friends, but my useless autistic ass can't even do that. but that's another rant lmao.

i always remember when someone told me once that if I want a best friend, I need to date someone. "adults don't have best friends, jnsywas they date and pair off. their partner is their best friend. you can't call another adult you aren't dating your best friends. that's only for kids."

that's so sad and lonely, yet everyone seems to believe or at least follow that dumb logic. it's times like that where I think "maybe it would be nice to have a partner," but I don't know if I just want that close relationship, or actually want a partner.

I don't know if i'm capable of being romantically attracted to someone. I know I want a really close relationship with someone where I can trust and rely on them fully. they're always there for me and I for them. we do everything together and help each other grow and live in this difficult world. but I don't want it to come with that awkward and annoying dating and romance expectation. I don't want to go on awkward first dates and have awkward "are we a thing" stage and then have the possibility of a breakup. (I can't deal with friendhips ending. a breakup would end me lmao)

I used to always say I wanted to be friends with someone first before for a while we date so I can know if I can't stand being stuck with them and them with me for a long period of time. that way I can see if if are compatible first. I think it's weird and irresponsible when people start dating before knowing who someone even is. that's just so weird (and lowkey scary) to me lmao. but I have also learned that people thinks irs wierd if you want to date after being friends because then they think you only became friends to date them and act weird about it even if it's not true. that's not the goal or reason. but no one i've been friends with passed my test anyway lmao

I remember talking about this with one friend a while back and them she suddenly a bit later accuses me of liking her and decided we can't be friends anymore. but she also didn't pass my test and wasn't the type of person I wanted. (I think she was also the person who said the quote above about adults can't have best friends)

i've never actually liked someone. when I was younger, I got aesthetic attraction mixed up with sexual attraction until I learned asexual is a thing and that's me. I also got romantic interest mixed up with admiration a d simply finding a person interesting. also both got mixed up with gender envy hahaha

but I don't even know if I could be in a relationship. I dont feel suited. I'm way too picky to like and trust anyone enough. i'm also a useless little gremlin and no one would ever like ME enough. then there's the barrier of the person would also need to be asexual because I can't deal with their sexual needs at all and would feel bad. i've met/talked to a total of like 5 asexual people in my life. we seem comparatively rare. none of them were for me obviously.

aromantic people as well. seems rare to me. I also know it's a spectrum. there's so many types. I could be somewhere in there. but I don't know if I should say i'm aromantic meaning I don't have an interest at all, or that i'm like demi and waiting for "The One ™" or whatever. where on the spectrum am I????

should I hope I find The One or try not to think about it? I don't want waiting for that mythical person to be my whole personality and life goal like most people do. that's annoying lmao. but I also don't know if i'm cursing myself to be lonely for life because I refuse to open up to the possibility...

I feel like this is some autistic black and white thinking coming in 😅 I know it doesn't matter much, but it drives me crazy whenever I do think about it.....

#usually I don't want anyone and can't stand romance anything #but there's rare times where I think “it would be nice to be cute and gay with someone right now...#whats the truth 🤨🧐#asexual #aromantic #aroace #sexuality #lgbtq #autistic #lee rambles #my phone keeps deciding its aromatic. i bet theres a bunch of typos and bad autocorrect bht i dont wanna fix it im sorry fhdjdjksks #also why cant we normalize that some people may not ever find The One and thats ok?#teach people how to be comfortable alone maybe. stop shaming people who dont want to or have never dated.#stop making me feel broken and like im missing some big important and necessary part of life!!!!#demisexual #i supposed thats a tag i could use #feel free to comment anything and try to convince my brain to accept the free spectrum and not be so b&w

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