#stop using excel as a database

[barnabusthebarmyballetschool]

as someone who loves Excel...

An F1 team should have dedicated software for this. At the very least they need an actual database for monitoring parts.

No company, big or small, should use Excel this way. It's meant for accounting finances calculations, not looking up part numbers on race weekends!

So uh it turns out that the outdated system to track their car parts that Vowles was talking about last year was actually Microsoft Excel. Williams had been using Excel to list and track 20,000 parts of a Formula One car every year.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Twinkump Linkdump

I'm on a 20+ city book tour for my new novel PICKS AND SHOVELS. Catch me in SAN DIEGO at MYSTERIOUS GALAXY next MONDAY (Mar 24), and in CHICAGO with PETER SAGAL on Apr 2. More tour dates here.

I have an excellent excuse for this week's linkdump: I'm in Germany, but I'm supposed to be in LA, and I'm not, because London Heathrow shut down due to a power-station fire, which meant I spent all day yesterday running around like a headless chicken, trying to get home in time for my gig in San Diego on Monday (don't worry, I sorted it):

https://www.mystgalaxy.com/32425Doctorow

Therefore, this is 30th linkdump, in which I collect the assorted links that didn't make it into this week's newsletters. Here are the other 29:

https://pluralistic.net/tag/linkdump/

I always like to start and end these 'dumps with some good news, which isn't easy in these absolutely terrifying times. But there is some good news: Wil Wheaton has announced his new podcast, a successor of sorts to the LeVar Burton Reads podcast. It's called "It's Storytime" and it features Wil reading his favorite stories handpicked from science fiction magazines, including On Spec, the magazine that bought my very first published story (I was 16, it ran in their special youth issue, it wasn't very good, but boy did it mean a lot to me):

https://wilwheaton.net/podcast/

Here's some more good news: a court has found (again!) that works created by AI are not eligible for copyright. This is the very best possible outcome for people worried about creators' rights in the age of AI, because if our bosses can't copyright the botshit that comes out of the "AI" systems trained on our work, then they will pay us:

https://www.yahoo.com/news/us-appeals-court-rejects-copyrights-171203999.html

Our bosses hate paying us, but they hate the idea of not being able to stop people from copying their entertainment products so! much! more! It's that simple:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/08/20/everything-made-by-an-ai-is-in-the-public-domain/

This outcome is so much better than the idea that AI training isn't fair use – an idea that threatens the existence of search engines, archiving, computational linguistics, and other clearly beneficial activities. Worse than that, though: if we create a new copyright that allows creators to prevent others from scraping and analyzing their works, our bosses will immediately alter their non-negotiable boilerplate contracts to demand that we assign them this right. That will allow them to warehouse huge troves of copyrighted material that they will sell to AI companies who will train models designed to put us on the breadline (see above, re: our bosses hate paying us):

https://pluralistic.net/2024/03/13/hey-look-over-there/#lets-you-and-he-fight

The rights of archivists grow more urgent by the day, as the Trump regime lays waste to billions of dollars worth of government materials that were produced at public expense, deleting decades of scientific, scholarly, historical and technical materials. This is the kind of thing you might expect the National Archive or the Library of Congress to take care of, but they're being chucked into the meat-grinder as well.

To make things even worse, Trump and Musk have laid waste to the Institute of Museum and Library Services, a tiny, vital agency that provides funding to libraries, archives and museums across the country. Evan Robb writes about all the ways the IMLS supports the public in his state of Washington:

Technology support. Last-mile broadband connection, network support, hardware, etc. Assistance with the confusing e-rate program for reduced Internet pricing for libraries.

Coordinated group purchase of e-books, e-audiobooks, scholarly research databases, etc.

Library services for the blind and print-disabled.

Libraries in state prisons, juvenile detention centers, and psychiatric institutions.

Digitization of, and access to, historical resources (e.g., newspapers, government records, documents, photos, film, audio, etc.).

Literacy programming and support for youth services at libraries.

The entire IMLS budget over the next 10 years rounds to zero when compared to the US federal budget – and yet, by gutting it, DOGE is amputating significant parts of the country's systems that promote literacy; critical thinking; and universal access to networks, media and ideas. Put it that way, and it's not hard to see why they hate it so.

Trying to figure out what Trump is up to is (deliberately) confusing, because Trump and Musk are pursuing a chaotic agenda that is designed to keep their foes off-balance:

https://www.wired.com/story/elon-musk-donald-trump-chaos/

But as Hamilton Nolan writes, there's a way to cut through the chaos and make sense of it all. The problem is that there are a handful of billionaires who have so much money that when they choose chaos, we all have to live with it:

The significant thing about the way that Elon Musk is presently dismantling our government is not the existence of his own political delusions, or his own self-interested quest to privatize public functions, or his own misreading of economics; it is the fact that he is able to do it. And he is able to do it because he has several hundred billion dollars. If he did not have several hundred billion dollars he would just be another idiot with bad opinions. Because he has several hundred billion dollars his bad opinions are now our collective lived experience.

https://www.hamiltonnolan.com/p/the-underlying-problem

We actually have a body of law designed to prevent this from happening. It's called "antitrust" and 40 years ago, Jimmy Carter decided to follow the advice of some of history's dumbest economists who said that fighting monopolies made the economy "inefficient." Every president since, up to – but not including – Biden, did even more to encourage monopolization and the immense riches it creates for a tiny number of greedy bastards.

But Biden changed that. Thanks to the "Unity Taskforce" that divided up the presidential appointments between the Democrats' corporate wing and the Warren/Sanders wing, Biden appointed some of the most committed, effective trustbusters we'd seen for generations:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/10/18/administrative-competence/#i-know-stuff

After Trump's election, there was some room for hope that Trump's FTC would continue to pursue at least some of the anti-monopoly work of the Biden years. After all, there's a sizable faction within the MAGA movement that hates (some) monopolies:

https://pluralistic.net/2025/01/24/enforcement-priorities/#enemies-lists

But last week, Trump claimed to have illegally fired the two Democratic commissioners on the FTC: Alvaro Bedoya and Rebecca Slaughter. I stan both of these commissioners, hard. When they were at the height of their powers in the Biden years, I had the incredible, disorienting experience of getting out of bed, checking the headlines, and feeling very good about what the government had just done.

Trump isn't legally allowed to fire Bedoya and Slaughter. Perhaps he's just picking this fight as part of his chaos agenda (see above). But there are some other pretty good theories about what this is setting up. In his BIG newsletter, Matt Stoller proposes that Trump is using this case as a wedge, trying to set a precedent that would let him fire Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell:

https://www.thebignewsletter.com/p/why-trump-tried-to-fire-federal-trade

But perhaps there's more to it. Stoller just had Commissioner Bedoya on Organized Money, the podcast he co-hosts with David Dayen, and Bedoya pointed out that if Trump can fire Democratic commissioners, he can also fire Republican commissioners. That means that if he cuts a shady deal with, say, Jeff Bezos, he can order the FTC to drop its case against Amazon and fire the Republicans on the commission if they don't frog when he jumps:

https://www.organizedmoney.fm/p/trumps-showdown-at-the-ftc-with-commissioner

(By the way, Organized Money is a fantastic podcast, notwithstanding the fact that they put me on the show last week:)

https://audio.buzzsprout.com/6f5ly01qcx6ijokbvoamr794ht81

The future that our plutocrat overlords are grasping for is indeed a terrible one. You can see its shape in the fantasies of "liberatarian exit" – the seasteads, free states, and other assorted attempts to build anarcho-capitalist lawless lands where you can sell yourself into slavery, or just sell your kidneys. The best nonfiction book on libertarian exit is Raymond Criab's 2022 "Adventure Capitalism," a brilliant, darkly hilarious and chilling history of every time a group of people have tried to found a nation based on elevating selfishness to a virtue:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/06/14/this-way-to-the-egress/#terra-nullius

If Craib's book is the best nonfiction volume on the subject of libertarian exit, then Naomi Kritzer's super 2023 novel Liberty's Daughter is the best novel about life in a libertopia – a young adult novel about a girl growing up in the hell that would be life with a Heinlein-type dad:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/11/21/podkaynes-dad-was-a-dick/#age-of-consent

But now this canon has a third volume, a piece of design fiction from Atelier Van Lieshout called "Slave City," which specs out an arcology populated with 200,000 inhabitants whose "very rational, efficient and profitable" arrangements produce €7b/year in profit:

https://www.archdaily.com/30114/slave-city-atelier-van-lieshout

This economic miracle is created by the residents' "voluntary" opt-in to a day consisting of 7h in an office, 7h toiling in the fields, 7h of sleep, and 3h for "leisure" (e.g. hanging out at "The Mall," a 24/7, 26-storey " boundless consumer paradise"). Slaves who wish to better themselves can attend either Female Slave University or Male Slave University (no gender controversy in Slave City!), which run 24/7, with 7 hours of study, 7 hours of upkeep and maintenance on the facility, 7h of sleep, and, of course, 3h of "leisure."

The field of design fiction is a weird and fertile one. In his traditional closing keynote for this year's SXSW Interactive festival, Bruce Sterling opens with a little potted history of the field since it was coined by Julian Bleeker:

https://bruces.medium.com/how-to-rebuild-an-imaginary-future-2025-0b14e511e7b6

Then Bruce moves on to his own latest design fiction project, an automated poetry machine called the Versificatore first described by Primo Levi in an odd piece of science fiction written for a newspaper. The Versificatore was then adapted to the screen in 1971, for an episode of an Italian sf TV show based on Levi's fiction:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tva-D_8b8-E

And now Sterling has built a Versificatore. The keynote is a sterlingian delight – as all of his SXSW closers are. It's a hymn to the value of "imaginary futures" and an instruction manual for recovering them. It could not be more timely.

Sterling's imaginary futures would be a good upbeat note to end this 'dump with, but I've got a real future that's just as inspiring to close us out with: the EU has found Apple guilty of monopolizing the interfaces to its devices and have ordered the company to open them up for interoperability, so that other manufacturers – European manufacturers! – can make fully interoperable gadgets that are first-class citizens of Apple's "ecosystem":

https://www.reuters.com/technology/apple-ordered-by-eu-antitrust-regulators-open-up-rivals-2025-03-19/

It's a good reminder that as America crumbles, there are still places left in the world with competent governments that want to help the people they represent thrive and prosper. As the Prophet Gibson tells us, "the future is here, it's just not evenly distributed." Let's hope that the EU is living in America's future, and not the other way around.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2025/03/22/omnium-gatherum/#storytime

Image: TDelCoro https://www.flickr.com/photos/tomasdelcoro/48116604516/

CC BY-SA 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

[dervampireprince]

so i've been coding a website

home of: the dervampireprince fanart museum, prince's art gallery, a masterlist of resources for making websites and list of web communities, and more!

[18+, minors dni (this blog is 18+ and the art gallery and art museum pages on my site have some 18+ only artworks)]

littlevampire . neocities . org (clickable link in pinned post labelled 'website')

if you don't follow me on twitch or aren't in my discord, you might not know i've been coding my own website via neocities since june 2024. it's been a big labour of love, the only coding i'd done before is a little html to customize old tumblr themes, so i've learnt a lot and i've been having so much fun. i do link to it on my carrds but not everyone will know that the icon of a little cat with a wrench and paintbrush is the neocities logo, or even what neocities is.

neocities is a free website builder, but not like squarespace or wix that let you build a website from a template with things you can drag in, it's all done with html and css code (and you can throw in javascript if you wanna try hurting your brain /hj). i love the passion people have for coding websites, for making their own websites again in defiance of social medias becoming less customisable and websites looking boring and the same as each other. people's neocities sites are so fun to look through, looking at how they express themselves, their art galleries, shrines to their pets or favourite characters or shows or toys or places they've been.

why have i been making a website this way?

well i used to love customising my tumblr theme back when clicking on someone's username here took you to their tumblr website, their username . tumblr . com link that you could edit and customise with html code. now clicking a username takes you to their mobile page view, a lot of users don't even know you can have a website with tumblr, the feature to have a site became turned off by default, and i've heard from some users that they might have to pay to unlock that feature.

i've always loved the look of old geocities and angelfire websites, personalised sites, and i've grown tired of every social media trying to look the same as each other, remove features that let users customise their profiles and pages more. and then i found out about neocities.

are you interested in making a site too?

neocities is free, though you can pay to support them. there is no ads, no popups, they have no ai tool scraping their sites, no tos that will change to suddenly stop allow 18+ art. unlike other website hosters, neocities does have a sort of social media side where you do have a profile and people can follow you and leave comments on your site and like your updates, but you can ignore this if you want, or use it to get to know other webmasters.

to quote neocities "we are tired of living in an online world where people are isolated from each other on boring, generic social networks that don't let us truly express ourselves. it's time we took back our personalities from these sterilized, lifeless, monetized, data mined, monitored addiction machines and let our creativity flourish again."

i'd so encourage anyone interested to try making a website with neocities. w3schools is an excellent place to start learning coding, and there are free website templates you can copy and paste and use (my site is built off two different free codes, one from fujoshi . nekoweb . org and the other from sadgrl's free layout builder tool).

your site can be for anything:

a more fun and interactive online business card (rather than using carrd.co or linktree)

a gallery of your art/photos/cosplays/etc

a blog

webshrines to your a character, film, song, game, toy, hobby, your pet - anything can be a shrine!

a catalogue/database/log of every film you've watched, every place you've visited, birds you've seen, plushies you own, every blinkie gif you have saved, your ocs and stories, etc

hosting a webcomic

a fanwiki/fansite that doesn't have endless ads like fandom . com does (i found a cool neocities fansite for rhythm game series pop'n music and it's so thorough, it even lists all the sprites and official art for every character)

i follow a website that just reviews every video game based on whether or not it has a frog in it, if the frog is playable, if you can be friends with it. ( frogreview . neocities . org )

the only html i knew how to write before starting is how to paragraph and bold text. and now i have a whole site! and i'm still working on new stuff for it all the time.

i just finished making a page on my website called 'explore the web'. this page lists everything you might need to know when wanting to make or decorate your website. it lists:

other neocities sites i think are cool and i'm inspired by, check them out for more ideas of what your site could look like and contain!

website building resources

coding help and tutorials

free website html code layouts you can use if you don't want too start coding from scratch

places to find graphics and decorative images for your site (transparent background pngs, pixels, favicons, stamps, blinkies, buttons, userboxes, etc)

image generators for different types of buttons and gifs (88x31 buttons, tiny identity buttons, heart locket open gifs, headpat gifs)

widgets and games and interactive elements you can add to your site (music players, interactive pets like gifypet and tamanotchi, hit counters, games like pacman and crosswords, guestbooks and chatboxes, etc)

web manifestos, guides, introductions and explanations of webmastering and neocities (some posts made by other tumblr users here are what made me finally want to make my own site and discover how too)

art tools, resources and free drawing programs

web communities! webrings, cliques, fanlistings, pixel clubs (pixel art trades) and more!

other fun sites that didn't fit in the other categories like free sheet music sites, archives, egotistical.goat (see a tumblr users audio posts/reblogs as a music playlist), soul void (a wonderful free to play video game i adore), an online omnichord you can play, and more.

i really hope the 'explore the web' page is helpful, it took three days to track down every link and find resources to add.

and if you want to check out my site there's more than just these pages. like i said in the beginning, i recently finished making:

the dervampireprince fanart museum

every piece of fanart i've received (unless the sender asked me to keep it private) has been added to this museum and where possible links back to the original artists post of that art (a lot the art was sent to me via discord so i can't link to the original post). every piece of fanart sent to me now will be added on their unless you specifically say you don't want it going on there. there's also links to my fanworks guide on there and how to send me fanart.

other pages on my site

about me (including favourite media, quizzes, comfort characters, kins, and more)

art gallery (art i've made, sorted by month)

graphics (so far it's just stamps i've made but plan to remake this section of my site)

media log (haven't started the 2025 one yet, but a log of all films, tv, writing, music, theatre, fandoms, characters and ships i got into in 2024)

silly web pets

shrines

site map

update log

my shrines so far:

i have ones for lucifer from supernatural, sam winchester from supernatural, charuca minifigures (arcade prizes i wanted as a kid that i'm trying to finish collecting as an adult), my waifuroulette discord tcg collection. my masterlist of every lgbt+ marvel character is a wip. i love making each shrine look different and suit the character/fandom/thing the shrine is about. and then there's also:

the european musical section

i ramble about them a lot and it's no surprise there's multiple shrines for them. i fell in love with german musical theatre in 2020 and that expanded in being interested in all non-english language musical theatre and trying to spread the word of it and how they deserve to be as known as english-language musicals. one musical in particular, elisabeth das musical, is my biggest special interest so expect a very detailed shrine about that one day.

so far this part of the site includes

'enter the theatre' an interactive web theatre where you choose a ticket and that musical will play on the stage (click a ticket and the embedded youtube video for that musical will appear on the stage and play. i dealt with javascript for the first time to bring the vision i had for this page alive, it might be slow but i hope enjoyable)

elisabeth das musical webshrine [not made yet]

tanz der vampire webshrine [not made yet, might abandon the idea]

my favourite european musicals [not made yet]

a masterlist of european musicals [a wip, only two musicals listed so far, i am listing every musical and every production they've had, this was a word document i kept for a long time that i always wanted to share somehow and this page is how i'll do it. there's no other list for european musicals out there so i guess it's up to me as always /lh]

the future for my site

i will update my art gallery, the fanart museum, my media log and other collections as often as i can. there's so many more pages i want to add including:

profiles for my ocs

finish my european musical masterlist

finish my 'every marvel lgbt+ character' masterlist (i have no love for marvel or disney's lgbt+ representation nor are all of these characters good representation and a lot are very minor characters, but for some reason i have gotten hyperfixated on this topic a few times so here comes a masterlist)

make shrines for loki (marvel), ares (hades), my sylvanian families collection, vocaloid (and/or vocaloid medleys), my plushie collection, pullip dolls

make a 'page not found' page

and i have one big plan to essentially make a site within a site, and make a website for my monster boy band ocs. but make it as if it was a real band, an unfiction project (think like how welcome home's website portrays welcome home as if it was a real show). this site would have pages for the band members, their albums, merch and maybe a pretend shop, and a fake forum where you could see other characters in the story talking and click on their profiles to find out more about them. and then once that's all done i want to start posting audios about the characters and then people can go to the website to find out more about them. that's my big plan anyway. i hope that sounds interesting.

i also want to make an effort to try and join some website communities. be brave and apply for some webrings and fanlistings, and make some pixel art and join some of the amazing pixel clubs out there.

but yeah, that's my site, that's neocities. i hope that was interesting. i hope it encourages people to make their own site, or at least look at other's small websites and explore this part of the internet. and if you go and check out mine feel free to drop a message in the guestbook on the homepage, or follow me on neocities if you have/make an account.

[littlestsnicket]

more disparate iwtv thoughts

- the key to understanding loustat is that lestat falls for louis for the following reasons in this order: 1 louis’ capacity for violence, 2 louis being fucking gorgeous, and 3. louis having enough inner conflict and desire for self knowledge to occupy him for at least a dozen human lifetimes. lestat falls for louis because he thinks louis would make an excellent vampire, and nothing that happens over the intervening decades changes his mind. he believes he knows louis better than louis knows himself, and, narratively, on a number of points he is right. while this would be horrifying in real life, it’s extremely compelling in fiction

- i hate hate hate the idea that love isn’t real if it’s destructive. and i actually see that at least as much from entertainment journalists as fandom. lestat loves louis. armand loves louis. louis loves claudia. that doesn’t mean their relationships are good or positive or anything else. louis loves lestat. louis loved armand once, at least. (claudia loves louis but that’s not really relevant here.)

- relatedly cannot stop thinking about assad saying armand just wants to be loved. 100% correct. the fact that this desire is filtered through centuries of maladaptive coping mechanisms does not make it less true.

- louis has never used social media of any kind. he has a desktop computer to access email and databases of property and art. computers are for work. anything time sensitive gets filtered through armand or his staff.

- armand spends a lot of time on twitter and like 8chan searching for victims. this means he can code switch into perfect tech bro. daniel and lestat find this deeply unnerving. louis doesn’t spend enough time online to really understand what armand is doing. armand used to spend a lot of time on reddit, but even he could tell that the arguments he kept getting obsessed over were bad for him so he had to stop.

- lestat is a tumblr girly. he writes questionable sad poetry and posts artsy pictures. he occasionally gets really into fandom. he is a hannigram shipper. he has the worlds most eclectic music side blog.

- daniel is on twitter in a professional capacity, but he spends enough time there, both doing legitimate investigation and doom scrolling, to be relatively up on modern slang and what is trendy with the youth.

- anyway, my point is, even though lestat and especially armand are most comfortable expressing themselves in a way that is vaguely archaic, louis is the one most likely to need technology/modern phrasing explained to him. but also not that often, he does get out of the house and interacts with real people so he stays pretty up to date.

- i think claudia would entirely mirror louis in regard to computer usage. or maybe not. claudia would be an early internet adopter. she misses usenet and refuses to use any web 2.0. she wouldn’t even use google. she runs into armand on the darknet. mostly she and madeline would run an organic farm in the french countryside using corpses as fertilizer.

- louis and armand are both switches and into violent bloody sex. the fact that most of their sex since paris has been mutually unfulfilling is an achievement. (louis just… isn’t very good at stoping armand from turning sex into trauma reenactment time TM. louis doesn’t like it but armand is very insistent and louis is often lowkey angry at him to start with. they’re both at fault here.) (i’m not going to look up the exact quote but ‘half blank half apocalyptic, what’s it going to be this time? are you gonna want to lick my boots or cut my head off?’ says so so much about loumand.) (and ugh louis wanting predictability after lestat and that being his initial impression of armand and getting mr trauma gremlin instead…)

[lilithsterrarium]

LIL-ITH INSTRUCTUAL MANUAL

If you are reading this, you or a loved one has recently come into possesion of your very own LIL-ITH unit. These companions are loving, fiercely loyal, and are excellent little helpers for all manner of tasks. The following is a short, helpful guide for navigating and understanding your very own companion.

START UP

LIL-ITH units require frequent charging in order to remain functional. If your unit has not booted up upon opening it's packaging, it likely needs charged. Inside, there is a charging cable with a special end; this plugs into your LIL-ITH's unit's back. Take care when plugging it in manually, as it is a delicate process. Once powered, it should be able to do this itself when it reaches low battery, and is coded to plug itself in without this issue. Once charging, it should begin to let out a small, faint humming sound. Once complete, this sound will cease, alongside it's eye's lighting up. Allow it to introduce itself, and when prompted, give it your name. If at any point this name changes, or if you'd prefer to have it refer to you by a nickname or title, such as "Owner", simply tell it this plainly and it should adjust it's memory. Likewise, if you wish to re-name it to something other than LILITH, simply tell it this, and it will oblige. If either process fails, make sure theres nothing covering or obscuring it's microphone (located on it's lower neck). Once it knows your name, it will stand at attention, awaiting any specific orders. If no orders are given, or if you tell it to resume normally, it will enter it's default state, slowly meandering, exploring it's surroundings, and commiting it's new home, its new owner, and anyone else to memory. Although it is programmed to follow orders, it is especially keen and devoted to it's initial owner- if you wish to switch owners, simply perform a manual restart. Doing this will wipe it's memories, however; and it will need to re-adjust if it is ever returned to it's original owner.

USE

The LIL-ITH unit is designed to be useful in a variety of tasks. Although it's size may seem diminutive, it is deceptively strong; allowing it to often carry common desk items such as pens, scraps of paper, paper clips, or others. It's body is also extremely durable, able to withstand high amounts of pressure and damaging. If it is damaged somehow, it is reccomended to extract it's database (likely with a pair of tweezers). If this is recovered, it can be used again and put into a new unit; and if the data is relatively undamaged, it should maintain the knowledge and personality of it's old unit. It's body has several features made to protect this database at all costs. It's body is also waterproof.

WARNINGS/RECCOMONDATIONS

These LIL-ITH units are programmed to be hopelessly adoring. It will take measures to not be needy, however, it heavily enjoys attention; if you need to, you may power it off at any point, holding the button located on it's stomach. These units, although friendly, should not be treated as equals, and show extreme discomfort when treated as such. Instead, it is reccomended to treat it as something more akin to a pet. Although it will remain as obsessive towards outright cruel treatment, this is often unhealthy, as it often becomes far too attatched to this behavior.

While adapting to it's enviornment, make sure it is being cautious of any drops or hazards. It is extremely durable, however, it is also extremely malleable; and if it see's you smiling at it after it falls, it will sometimes attempt to recreate this behavior when it want's to cheer you up. With this, or any other behaviour patterns you dislike, simply state this clearly, and it should adapt. Putting it as simply as possible usually helps. (Saying something such as "Please stop falling off of the desk for me, I don't like it when you fall of the desk." is usually effective.) The unit is durable, however, repeated blunt damage has potential to shake inner workings loose.

A reminder that these units, although loving, are not always the brightest. Be patient if you have to jog their memory or explain something to them; their ditzy nature causes them to make mistakes. You are free to punish them as you see fit, however, a simple explaination usually prevents these mistakes from happening more than once.

Do not swallow the LIL-ITH unit. Keep an eye on LIL-ITH units around pets and children. Make sure to clean out your LIL-ITH unit if it gets clogged. Do not treat your LIL-ITH unit as an equal.

We hope you enjoy your brand new companion! If you have any further troubles, please be sure to contact us.

[delucadarlingwriting]

Vampire Divorce Court - Domesticated Goose Chase

Does anyone remember plotbunnies? I feel like I'm dealing with a herd of them lately, all dragging me in different directions. I've finally managed to ignore most of them to finish this part. Also, I didn't intend for any of these 'chapters' to be longer than 2k words, but this one got hefty. That's one reason I ended up needing to cut it in half, but also because then I get an excuse to make the next part some Adam/Farah fluff <3

Anyway, here's Wonderwall.

Summary: Barbie's good at her job. She's just really, really bad at people.

Word Count: 3,791

First | Previous | Part 10 | Next

***

Book 1, Wayhaven, A few miles into the woods

“So, you must be from…the 1700s,” Kira says. Barbie blinks, jerking her head up from the map in her hands to stare at her new friend.

“Not even remotely close,” Barbie says with a laugh. “What makes you think that?”

“1800s?” Kira asks.

Despite the two or so hours they’ve been hiking through the dense foliage of protected land surrounding the town of Wayhaven, Kira’s showing no sign of being tired. At worst, she’s a bit flushed, and even that can be attributed to the brisk wind blowing through periodically. She is, as ever, perky and bright and potentially a bit bored now if she’s to the point of interrogating Barbie on her ages.

Barbie presses down on a smile and shakes hear head. “Kira, honestly. I’m not that old.”

“I just assumed, given the lack of GPS,” Kira says with a cheeky shrug.

Barbie laughs again, this time loud enough that Nat and Mason glance back at them. She gives them no mind though, and especially not Mason, regardless of how annoyed he is at every reminder that she’s still there. It’s his own fault for not saying anything when Adam paired himself with Farah to keep an eye on them from a distance. Allegedly to ensure no one gets the drop on their party. Neither of them have been close enough to see for almost an hour now.

“I am perfectly capable of using technology,” Barbie says, slyly adding, “Not all of us struggle so severely with it.”

Nat gives a quiet huff ahead that has Kira covering her mouth to stop a giggle from coming out. Eyes shining, Kira points to the compass in Barbie’s other hand.

“Okay, so why this set up then?”

Barbie carefully adjusts her hold on the map in her hand, doing her best to not damage the yellowed paper.

“For one, knowing how to navigate without computers is an excellent skill to have and keep sharp,” Barbie says. Kira nods along. “For another, this map is from somewhere in the 60s and hasn’t been uploaded to Wayhaven’s digital database. Which, the online database is a mess by the way. Someone really ought to sort it out.”

“You have access to the database?” Kira asks with a disbelieving sputter. Barbie nods.

“Part of the Agency partnering with the local authorities, of course.”

“Of course,” Kira mutters. With sigh, she asks, “Alright, so then who’s older, you or the map?”

Fond as she is of the detective, Barbie still pretends to check the map for something to but a little time before she has to respond. Most of Kira’s questions to this point have hit Barbie in something of a tender emotional area. She hasn’t had to talk about or think so deeply on her condition before now, not really. Mostly she does her best to pretend she’s still human. Over their time together these past few days though, Barbie finds Kira’s curiosity charming more than grating. Enough so that the actual discomfort is minimal.

Still, Kira has gotten very bold with her nosiness, so Barbie gives her her best withering look. Kira holds her hands up.

“I can’t help it, I want to know everything!” Kira says. A burst of fondness rushes through Barbie’s chest; had she not been exactly the same when she was a young 20-something? Learning about the supernatural world had been the greatest thing to ever happen to her back then. It’s why she left everything else behind to join the Agency, even though they’d been so damned reluctant. Probably mostly because of the repeated trespassing.

“I suppose it can’t be helped,” Barbie grimaces. “Not after the comment you made about my vintage clothing.”

It’s Barbie’s own fault for falling so far out of style. With her looking the way she does now though, she doesn’t much enjoy venturing out amongst humans. She hasn’t been shopping for new clothes before today in probably…30 years? She’s meticulous with her clothing care, so it’s hardly as if she needs new clothes very often, much as she used to absolutely adore shopping.

Kira’s cheek go apple red and she stammers out, “I—I’m still really sorry about that. I love vintage clothing, my clothes are mostly Edwardian inspired but around here that’s very strange so when I saw someone else who might have my same hobby—”

Barbie shifts the compass and map to one hand so she can give Kira’s shoulder a squeeze.

“I am teasing you,” Barbie assures her. “In a friendly way.”

“Right, of course.” Kira runs a hand over her hair.

“Fucks’ sake,” Mason snaps, turning to approach with a glare. “Can you focus on the fucking mission for once? I’d like to get this done and over with.”

“I am currently navigating us,” Barbie says, nose wrinkled as she waves the map at him. “It’s not as if you’re doing anything productive, unless you count stomping around like a maniac.”

In a flash, Nat is there, seamlessly sliding herself between them. Her presence alone gets Mason to take a half step away, and the look she gives him seems to convey some sort of message that gets him to lower his hackles.

To Barbie, she asks, “Are you certain this is the way to Murphy’s base? We’ve been at this for quite some time without seeing much.”

Barbie pauses to consider her answer carefully, as this was the question she was hoping no one would ask. Being known as a bit of an investigative genius usually does a lot for her ability to work without being questioned. Having not worked with Unit Bravo in such a long time has clearly deteriorated their faith in her abilities though. As much as it makes sense, she still resents that this particular doubt has come from Nat, and in front of Mason no less.

There’s nothing for it, she has to answer.

“I heavily suspect so,” she replies. It is, unfortunately, the most honest answer she can give, as well as the only one she can risk with Mason staring at her.

Nat’s eyes fall shut and she takes in a quiet breath. On the exhale, she opens her eyes with a pleading look.

“What do you mean by heavily suspect?” Nat asks. Mason growls with irritation, stomps closer, and snatches the map right out of Barbie’s hand. She squawks indignantly.

“Be careful with that! It’s very old, and I need to return it in perfect condition so no one knows I took it!” Barbie shouts. Kira gives Barbie a look of exasperation.

“You stole city property?” Kira asks, hands on her hips. Her eyebrows draw close together, mouth set in a shallow frown. Then, one eyebrow lifts incredulously. “How exactly would they know you took it?”

“Well, I signed in before going into the records office, of course,” Barbie says, waving her off. Kira lets out a short, amused laugh and shakes her head, making the long strawberry blonde rope of hair braided down her back swing back and forth.

By this point Mason is done poring over the map and tosses it back at her. Barbie scrambles, just barely catching it. He turns to Nat and says, “There’s no buildings within 15 miles. Waste of fucking time.”

“Oh Barbie,” Nat mutters. Barbie’s cheeks warm.

“I know what I’m doing,” she insists. “Even if there’s no building on this map, that doesn’t mean there isn’t something there. I have a very good feeling about this area. All my research has given a strong impression that there’s a building or hub of some sort out here.”

Nat and Mason share a look that she doesn’t like one bit. With care, Nat says, “Perhaps we’d be better off returning to town for now and doing a bit more research before—”

“I’m not going back,” Barbie snaps, furious. There is little she hates more than being treated like an idiot. “If you want to go, then go. I don’t need any of you to do my job.”

“You don’t seem to need anyone,” Mason says, crossing his arms and leaning against a tree trunk.

He’s right. Absolutely right. Barbie doesn’t need anyone, particularly him. Despite the truth in his words, she’s still pretty ticked off about it.

“Always a smart ass comment, never a smart solution,” Barbie shoots back. He growls, baring his teeth, but no fang. Kira gets between them, blocking her view of her…of Mason.

Kira brushes her fingertips down Nat’s sleeve, just briefly, before dropping her hand back to her side. Nat startles at the touch, her eyes wide, throat working. Barbie doesn’t remember Nat ever being quite so touch averse. Then again, things happen even when one isn’t around to witness them. Perhaps Nat’s gone through some sort of ordeal again. Like when that gorgon dumped her the week of Valentine’s day.

Kira says, “I’d like to see this through. Barbie’s been working on this for a while. Even if she doesn’t have concrete proof, I think she’s probably onto something. Besides, I’ve grown up here my whole life and I still find places I’ve never seen before.”

Nat chews her lip, no doubt unsure of making such a call without Adam there to hold her hand. As if she can hear the thought, Nat glances to Barbie, which makes her feel immediately ashamed. Even if she’s horribly irate today, that’s no reason to bite Nat’s head off about it. Nat is lovely, even if her team could use a bit of polish.

Taking a steadying breath that somehow makes her feel lightheaded, Barbie says, “I truly have no problem pursuing this on my own. If I find something, I’ll call and mark it on the map for the team.”

“And if you find the rogue?” Mason asks. Barbie presses her lips into a hard line, her heart giving a weak jolt. It’s a possibility she has been willfully ignoring thus far.

“That would be...less than ideal,” Barbie says, but offers no real plan of action for that potential situation. Mostly because she has no idea what she’d do. Experience says she’d likely freeze up on the spot, but the optimist in her hopes she’d at least attempt to run away, for all the good it would do her.

Fear settles in her chest, but even so, she finds her desire to prove her theory on the rogue dubbed Murphy’s hideout. What he’s doing to people would require him to have some sort of steady base where he’s storing his equipment and a source of electricity. Anywhere like that would maybe even has his notes on what procedure he’s attempting.

“So you’re looking to get yourself killed,” Mason accuses.

Barbie’s fingers tighten on the map and she frowns deeply. Much as she hates her life every single second of every single day, rarely has she considered ending it. The very thought terrifies her. Besides, her brother would be left alone at that point, and she can hardly excuse doing that now.

“Kira’s right,” Nat says at long last. She smiles down at their dear detective. “It’s worth trying. We lose nothing either way.”

“Exactly,” Kira says happily, her pulse beating just a bit faster as she and Nat share a long look. It’s really lovely to meet someone as friendly as Kira. It’s also lovely to have someone on her side when Unit Bravo seems so primed to be against her. “Okay Babs, where to?”

She turns around and holds the map up so Kira and Nat can see it over her shoulder. Though she didn’t dare use pencil on the old paper, she traces the mental line she had drawn of their path with the tip of a fingernail.

“This way,” she says. Kira hums.

“But where exactly are we heading?” she asks. Barbie curves the line she’s drawing, bringing it around in a slow loop before tapping on the spot where Murphy is most likely hiding. Kira gives her a questioning look and says, “We’ve already passed that.”

“Yes but…” Barbie trails off, suddenly choked up by the realization that they all think she’s messed this whole thing up. They must think she’s an idiot, and a stubborn one at that.

It’s true that the path she’s chosen is massively inefficient. They’ll end up hiking nearly an hour longer than if they take the straightforward path. She has no evidence or reason to continue going around the suspected base other than this deep, gut feeling she has. It’s bad enough that she also has no evidence or reason to believe the base will be where she says it will be.

Gut feelings and instincts aren’t Barbie’s strong point. She can’t trust her own first reaction to most things, as her knee jerk reaction is almost always an illogical one. Freeze in place when threatened with danger. Faint at the sight of blood. Lash out and isolate herself during the hardest transition period of her ever elongating life.

Trying to ask the three of them to put their trust in her to go out to this area is already pushing her luck. She knows she won’t win them over on taking the illogical path as well. So she gives that one up. Her eyelid twitches.

“Of course. That makes sense. We’ll take the shorter route,” Barbie grits out.

She can’t quite bring herself to relinquish the map, but Kira doesn’t need one to lead the way. It’s clear in the way she moves through the foliage and barely-there paths that she’s familiar with every rock, tree, and bush they pass. She seems so entirely at ease that Barbie feels a sharp stab of jealousy; has she ever felt so comfortable? So certain in both herself and others’ belief in her?

Well, perhaps in herself. Barbie can hardly help thinking she’s often right.

As they grow closer, Barbie’s chest feels tighter. Her heart picks up it’s pace and her limbs feel shaky. She’s reminded entirely of the way she feels when she knows she’ll have to drink soon, an unpleasant reminder that only makes the tumultuous feelings bubbling up inside her all the worse.

“Are you alright, Barbie?” Nat asks. Barbie pulls her new hiking jacket more securely around herself and scowls. Worse than feeling like this is having anyone else notice or, God forbid, comment on it. She already hates being seen like this, let alone inspected.

“I am fine,” she says, hearing the robot way it comes out with no ability to change it. Kira glances over her shoulder, slowing.

“Do we need to stop?” Kira asks with so much concern it makes Barbie want to fold herself up and get stuffed into an envelope.

“No, I am fine.”

Mason snorts. “What, being told you’re wrong sending you into some kind of shock?”

“Of course not,” Barbie says, attempting to sound unbothered, just as she has since she arrived. Her facade is slipping more and more with each attempt though. “I’m more than aware that I am…wrong about things, at least as much as any other person.”

Mason’s grin both irritates and excites her. “All said without gagging or anything. Good job, sw—”

“Would you shut up?” she snaps. There’s pressure in her gums, around her canines, so she grits her teeth to try and hold back the fangs that desperately want to show. Even after such a long time bearing this existence, she hasn’t managed to gain the control she should have over her own body, and it’s always horribly embarrassing to be caught with her fangs out. It doesn’t help that her stomach is starting to ache with hunger.

Perhaps this is why she’s feeling so odd. It may be that ignoring her body’s signals is easier in the comfortable, familiar environment of the archives. Out here, everything prickles.

Nat presses her mouth into a hard line, then turns and says, “Mason, perhaps you can drop back a bit and take up the rear?”

Shockingly, he does so, letting Barbie step past him without commentary. Probably he’s delighted to be left alone, where he doesn’t have to so much as pretend to care for anyone but himself. Perhaps that’s why he was picking a fight with her, hoping Nat would separate him from the rest of them. She wouldn’t put it past him.

Her irritation distracts her for a while as they walk, kept well fed by the feeling of Mason’s eyes boring through her head. Eventually though, that odd not-right sensation from before returns with a vengeance. She hesitates, glancing in the direction of the path she’d wanted to take, where the not-right feeling didn’t exist.

“So,” Nat says brightly, her voice reminding Barbie to keep up. There’s no point in her going down any other path than the one the team has decided to follow. Despite her earlier declaration, Barbie doesn’t actually fancy getting lost out here alone, even if she’s technically one of the scarier things in the forest. Barring every other vampire within a 50 mile radius, of course.

Kira glances her way (which is a bit to the left and quite a lot up) and says, “So?”

“So how is your fiancée doing? Bobby, right?” Nat asks. Kira’s cheerful expression dims ever so slightly.

“Right, um. She’s doing well,” Kira says with a bit too much effort. Turning to look ahead for the right direction, she adds, “We haven’t spent much time together since I got back from the Agency.”

Nat hums. “Yes, I imagine we’re keeping you too busy.”

“I guess so,” Kira says with a shrug. “It’s also partially because she’s too nosy for her own good. If I spend more than five minutes with her she starts badgering me for information on you, the investigation, the victims…”

“Ah.” Nat’s expression twists into something sorrowful. “That must be very hard. You shouldn’t have to hide such things from the one you love most.”

“This way,” Kira says sharply, jamming a finger ahead. “Just down this slope.”

Slightly hidden by some unruly blackberry brambles is a narrow decline down to the forest roughly 15 meters below, and not far from their destination. There are rocks of various sizes, from basketball to Kira’s car sized. The ground is uneven, mostly held together by tangled tree roots and a prayer. There are plenty of flat, foot sized spots that create a horrible staircase downward. Barbie sways very slightly on her feet and has to look away.

Nat looks down. “Hm. It’s a bit damp.”

“Damp is hardly the worst part of this,” Barbie says, unable to even feign a hint of enthusiasm. Kira waves them both off.

“Oh you’ll be fine, you’ve all got way longer legs than me. You can probably just go from step to step, while I’ll have to shimmy down the rocks.” She says this with a bright smile, as if she’s actually quite looking forward to the climb. Barbie is desperately fascinated by their detective, but there is undeniably something wrong with her.

Nat steps up, brows creased. She reaches out as if to touch Kira’s shoulder, but doesn’t. Oddly, she simply hovers her hand over her shoulder instead. Kira reacts just the same as if Nat has touched her though, glancing all the way up at her with a questioning look.

“I think I should go first,” Nat says, then gives a soft, smooth smile. The same one that usually leads to her getting whatever it is she’s asking for. Her brown eyes sparkle with warmth. “Just to be safe.”

Kira steps aside, gesturing for her to go ahead. “Alright, I’ll follow you then.”

Nat’s smile falters for the barest second before she steps past them to lead the way.

“And I’ll follow you,” Barbie says, giving the path a nervous look. Sure, even if she does fall from this height she’ll be just fine. It won’t kill her, not even close. That doesn’t make her any less wary of pain. She’d thought, back when she first turned, that her fear of pain and injury might fade over time. After all, Unit Bravo never seemed to let such things deter them when she worked with them. But no, she still winces and flinches at even the barest hint of pain or danger. It seems they are simply very different creatures than she.

Kira reaches a hand out, palm up. Mystified, Barbie tentatively places hers on top of it, blinking as Kira laces their fingers together.

“I’ve got you,” Kira promises.

Brave Kira. So delicately human, but so unafraid. So sure of herself. Barbie can’t help a smile.

“That reassures me a little,” she admits. Kira gives her hand a squeeze.

They proceed that way, with Nat in front, the Kira and Barbie, and just behind them Mason. He drops carelessly from step to step with his hands deep in his jacket pockets. Despite how he lumbers around, Mason is actually quite nimble. He’ll certainly be bored waiting for the rest of them to tiptoe their way down.

The next step is quite steep, far enough down that Barbie hesitates to let herself down. Kira smiles up and holds her hand out again.

“You can lean on me,” Kira says, encouragingly. Barbie has to remind herself not to bite off her lipstick. Nat turns, blanching.

“Perhaps I should help,” Nat says, walking back up toward them. Kira looks over her shoulder at the other woman, a scowl threatening to show on her face.

“It’s fine,” Kira assures her.

Barbie, embarrassed and upset. Undeterred, Natalie, it’s fine.”

She can handle being given a hand down, for fuck’s sake. It’s like they all think she’ll black out and go insane with bloodlust from simple proximity. Foolishness.

Undeterred, Nat hurries as Barbie borrows Kira’s strength to step down. As Barbie’s new boots find solid ground, Nat jumps up onto a nearby boulder, green with moss. Very slick moss.

Kira’s eyes widen. She releases Barbie and turns toward the other vampire. “Nat—”

Nat seems to realize her error just a moment after Kira, her shoe slipping and sending her off kilter. Knowing she’ll be fine, Barbie doesn’t move at all to help. Unfortunately, Kira’s all-too-human instinct to help kicks in, and she jumps down to the next stone, her hands striking out to fist in the front of Nat’s leather jacket.

For a moment, it seems that Kira’s efforts will pay off. Her shoes slide forward as Nat manages to keep her balance long enough to grasp at a low hanging branch near Kira’s shoulder. For a moment, they hang there, barely more than their toes holding them in place.

The branch snaps.

Kira and Nat disappear.

[queen-of-elves]

Hello! I've seen you take requests, and I've seen you write Star Wars, so... Can you write something Hux X Admiral of the Resistance! Reader? (or Leia's personal assistant?) (I like the idea of the First Order and the Resistance linking) Where the FO capture her as she is strategically important and she is very cold, caustic and professional. And Hux (already a spy😳) understands that he must help her get out, and something clearly arises between them😏 ... I know this is awfully vague, but if you can... Sorry this is so long and weird💕🙏

The Vice Admiral

A/N: awww I love this 💕 hopefully I did your idea the justice T-T and I do have to apologize for it taking so long- life happened I guess + I often times dont really write when it's summer

A/N2: REQUEST ARE OPEN however I have some wips I would like to get out so they also might take some time

Words: 2650

Warnings: cursing, mentions of torture? inform me if you find some more

It was not in your intentions to get caught but atleast Dameron and others got away with the data you were sent by General Organa to retrieve from one of loyal Resistance informants. It was meant to be something you had already done a million times. Simply land on the planet, locate the informant with the data, retrieve it and go back to the main base. Sometimes it was more simple than others but you were brave and you were smart, plus the great pilot, Poe Dameron, by your side was an upgrade from the scary solo missions you used to receive before moving up ranks in the Resistance.

However, this time, oh Maker, this time it was a shit show. Everything that could get fucked up turned out to be even bigger mess than you could ever imagine. The excellent ship Poe promised? At first glance you thought your disguise was scavengers. Fine, you could deal with a crappy ship in exchange for Poe’s actually excellent piloting skills but the ride was bumpy. However, some asteroid fields couldn’t stop you and Dameron from collecting the needed data for the Resistance. What could stop you though was the ship going kaput on Poe which meant you being late for the exchange, which meant more trouble and more trouble could only mean the First Order being tipped off. Yes, big shit show indeed. By the time you landed and got your asses to the meeting spot the First Order was already ready to arrest you.

***

Maker, if you had a few more seconds you could have already escaped the binds keeping you still but with the door sliding open you had no seconds to spare. The figure strided inside and you immediately recognized him. And you knew you were in trouble, if the one conducting the interrogation was any other lower ranking officer you were sure you could escape one way or another. But with him, you were not entirely sure.

“Vice Admiral Sloane.” His voice was commanding, bouncing off the metal walls it made it even more threatening than you could even imagine, even though it conveyed incorrect information.

The First Order database seemed not to be updated of your promotion, Sloane was indeed one of the candidates for the position just like you but your experience in the strategist division of the New Republic Defense Forces left all other candidates miles behind you in the process of selection.

“Incorrect.” The smug smile on the General’s face quickly faded and was soon painted on your lips. However just as the smile grazed your face it hid away under serious expression. This was a battle of wits and will and YOU would make sure not to lose it.

“Excuse me?!” His voice was higher than before, he was too confused to mask it. You were now winning by a single point.

“Vice Admiral? Of that I can assure you.” But you continued, anchoring the groundwork for your success. Just get him irritated, too much irritated and bothered by not knowing who you are, so he leaves the room. With just a few seconds you were sure you could escape the binds but you had to be alone. 

“Sloane? Unfortunately and definitely not.”

“What?!” He seemed absent for a moment, in the room but devoid of any expression, searching for something in his head. Now you could see it, the cogs in his head turning, his brain using seconds to finish minutes long thought conundrums. 

Armitage Hux, the General of the First Order seemed to be losing in that moment, not just his cool but also the battle. Now was the time to strike, finish him off and secure your escape route as soon as possible. If you would be able to piss him off even more it could give you an opening the moment he leaves the room to check. But it had to be precisely executed, if he were to send someone else for the information you would fail.

“It doesn’t matter. You were at the meeting site for the informant to meet the Resistance.” He was faster, his words spilling out before you could open your mouth dealing the final blow.

“Oh.” Armitage sensed he couldn’t get more out of you in the name of reaction so he continued. Building a case against you in the process.

“We got a tip. An informant on our side decided to tell us there might be a rebel scum strolling around the market.”

Calm down, you can still do it.

“And that’s supposed to be me?” This time you rewarded him with an answer, though it was slightly unwanted.

“Yes.” He was visibly gritting his teeth, his whole face indicating all was not yet lost and you could recover to your plan in just a few words.

And we are right back on the tracks.

“So, the mere assumption that I was there to meet some means I am a rebel scum?”

“Yes.” This time he was fuming, ready to boil over. It wasn’t as visible as you would expect, he was still somewhat collected and especially still cold but his ears were red and the artery on his neck seemed to be bulging in anger.

“I am not much of a stroller, you see… and on top of that I can assure you, you are wasting your, mine and the precious First Order’s time.”

Just get him out of this room. You are fast enough to get out of this stupid electric chair before they can react from the control room.

You were not sure if the pep talk was helping, the minutes of interrogation seemed to stretch and the more time you spent here the harder it was getting out.

There was something strange about his expression you have not noticed before, however now it was more prominent from the closer angle, he was shifting closer and closer to you during the interrogation.

Something flashed in his eyes, understanding of sort. You were not sure what it meant but surely it wasn’t anything good. The cogs in his brain were moving faster again than before. Whatever Hux was brewing inside his clever head, Maker, you didn’t want to know what cruel fate he was planning for you.

“I have a datapad in my office, bring it.” Hux was not talking to you, his gaze was stuck on the darkened window, he was commanding the officer on the other side to basically abandon his post. Great news but also not really.

Minutes go by and Hux seems to not move a bit, or was it seconds? Your anxiety was ranking up, they had nothing on you, Poe escaped before you with the information so you were sure there won't be any footage of your comrade being tortured but what was on the datapad was still a mystery to you.

“I will get you out.” These words pierced the silence, not loud enough to be heard on any microphone. It was more of a whisper, directed right into your ear, his proximity now apparent.

The General would get you out? General Hux would get YOU out? They must have administered some hallucinogens to your system already, this whole situation was too impossible to comprehend.

“We have to be quick though. I need you to headbut me, the cameras in this room are still functioning so we have to give them something.” 

And you do so, your head falls back before you bring great force into the motion. Your head goes slamming into his, red hair mixing with yours in the process until you hurt just like he does. He is no longer close to you, stepping away to proceed the pain he gives you a pained expression. The stage is set once again.

“You rebel scum!” His rich voice booms through the room, filling it and echoing back to you once more. And his figure is in motion again, unlocking your restraints with a slight push of a button, dragging you to your feet before locking your hands in another cuffs. 

It was so swift you couldn’t even proceed a single thought. Was he truly getting you out ? Or was it another scheme to get you to break? But again before you could use your brain Armitage was already pushing you into the hallway. 

The hallway was empty just like the next one and the one that followed and by the fourth turn you realized Armitage was successfully avoiding corridors with officers in them. The further both of you walked the more sure you were he truly was going to set you free. And you were not wrong, one way or another you would get out of here.

With the next turn you could feel the redhead’s steps halting and you soon recognized hurried steps from the end of the hallway. You were sure of it soon, there was someone at the end of the hallway, the outline familiar but too far to distinguish them properly. But the closer they got, the more you recognized him. Your idiotic pilot, someone you could not be happier to see in such a situation.

“I came to save you.” His face was beaming, sweat still clinging to his pretty face but you were glad he was here. He must have been sprinting around in the maze of same looking halls for some time, the sweat clinged to him just like the red in his cheeks.

“Maker, and I thought you were just going to forget about me.” Poe did appreciate the sarcasm for a moment before he noticed you had a little someone with you. The little someone literally being General Hux, his number one enemy, quite literally his nemesis in some sense. You knew of the history between them, Poe taunting the red head too often on missions they crossed paths on. This could end only poorly and you were stuck in between.

Your favorite pilot, only on the occasions he actually properly piloted or came to save your ass like in this moment, was too dumbfounded from this predicament, all he could do was point a finger at your unwelcome guest, which you deemed better than pointing a blaster at him.

“Yeah, I noticed I had a pretty little redheaded shadow, Dameron.” Your eyes shifted to the ship, ready to take off with you if your dear pilot could get his brain back to functioning on time. “Now get us out of here.”

This seemed to pull Poe out of the trance but he still scolded and muttered under his breath what you simply deemed as curses to the redhead behind you. Even Armitage didn’t stand idle, in the meantime he unlocked the cuff with a buzzing sound before it clanked on the metal floor. In the end you could make it out alive, enemies or not if they were not speaking to each other all was fine.

“Let’s go.”

“What?” You could hear that he didn’t move even by a step. Did this man truly believe you would leave him here? You already figured it out, that this scared and at the same time brave man was the one, the one who was sending encrypted data to the Resistance, that he was the spy whose data you were collecting, whom you had contact for so long.

“Let’s go, we have to take off before the alarms go off.” As if telepathy between the two of you worked, maybe by the mysterious force itself or just the universe decided to align the stars for the two of you, he understood too. 

“I am not going with you.” The fear and the uncertainty was too strong for Armitage to withstand. Everything was always so simple to him, the plan was set for him a long time ago by his father and now he had an option to leave it all behind. He knew the First Order would go crumbling down, it was inevitable with how things were now. However, he still hoped everything he was building for himself would stay somehow the same even with his efforts to undermine everything else. 

“They are going to kill you.”

“No, I will-”

“It doesn't matter who you do. We both know the competition in the First Order is too fierce, one mistake and you are not needed anymore.” He knew you were right, even Poe was aware of that, but it didn’t change anything on how he didn’t want to admit it. Not being needed after one small mistake over the amount of achievements he brought to the First Order not just as General but visionary. 

“Letting someone from the Resistance is already bad but losing one of its Vice Admirals? Death sentence.” 

“Yes. I am well aware of this predicament, however-”

“However, you are coming with us. That’s final.”

The words of disagreement were stuck in his throat, on one side he was glad to have an available route out but on the other he couldn’t simply abandon his career. It was his everything, he worked hard to get where he was now and to simply lose it would probably hurt more than a blaster strike to the chest. That was a lie, he was sure of it and it would be foolish of him to not take your offer. Well, it actually sounded more like an order. 

“Fine.”  If he was meant to leave it seemed it was somehow always meant to be with someone like you.

And finally all of you were ready for a take off, Poe was still booting some things in his pilot seat while you were kind enough to not point out the vein popping in his neck. You would have to have a talk with Poe about this whole escapade but now was not the time or a place. Fingers pushing on the familiar controls, switching switches for a quicker take off your mind was a bit busy counting down seconds before you would hear the loud alarm indicating prisoner on the loose.

“Thank you, trully.” His voice made you mind stop for a second before you looked at him. You have not seen such a look on him yet, it was new and refreshing. An honest expression with a grateful small smile tugging on his lips. 

“Don’t mention it but you should get used to people helping each other.” This answer confused him a bit and you enjoyed the sight a lot. But the ship was ready to leave, interrupting the moment. The vibration from the motor buzzed through your whole body while you took the co-pilot place next to Poe. The leather seat reminds you that just a few moments ago you were in a similar one, strapped to a completely metal one and just a few steps from death’s door. Years before it would have scared you but now you took it like bread, like a normal day in the life of the Resistance fighter.

“We are going back to the Resistance.” You turned around, shooting him a quick smirk. “And you are going to help us defeat the First Order.” Your tone was cold now, in a mere seconds turning back to the Vice Admiral you were expected to be and something arose in the redhead. The game continued, this time not about you escaping him but more of a chase of professional matters. 

“Gladly.” His ambitions still flared but if he couldn’t achieve it with the First Order there is no reason not to try it with the Resistance while striking down his enemies and old colleagues. You could understand his ambitions and perfectionism from your own standpoint, hard worker yourself you had similar plans for your future, for your rank. You strived for professionalism just like he always did. It made you two too similar to ignore but at the same time opposite with your ideals clashing. It was still quite comforting, knowing there is someone who could understand your ambitions.

[ddarker-dreams]

Nexus Character Database.

"Hey, Lear, why are you ignoring my texts again? What if I was getting robbed at gunpoint and needed your help?"

"Why would they let you use your phone during a robbery, Nona?"

"Stop getting all wrapped up in the little details. The important thing is that you check what I sent."

"Alright, alright, let's see... huh. A personality test? Aren't those a pseudoscience?"

"What a lame thing to say. Just take it already. I'll tell you what Our-Lord-And-Savior-The-Exalted-One got if you do. Woah, geez, calm down, at least let it load!"

Nexus index.

Name: Lear (Nickname given by Miss Phaeales, birth name name is Vincent Metellus) Age: 118 Species: Nymphalian Faction: LOTUS-EATER World: Eris Path: Abundance Combat type: Ice Birthday: June 28th Sexuality: [First] Phaeales (he’s het) Height: 5′8 Hair color: Sandy blonde Eye color: Blue, with a white ring around his pupils Favorite animal: Penguins Favorite food: Pasteli, hot cocoa with marshmallows Least favorite food: Gummies, green olives Favorite things: Cooking, baking, gardening, sewing, mixology, sales at the food market and his red hairpins. Least favorite things: Group chats with more than three people, ads, sports and anything that causes Miss Phaeales distress. Clothing style: Casual. Lots of sweaters, turtlenecks, and the occasional trench coat. Prefers warm neutral colors. MBTI: INFP

Lear is considered by his co-workers to be a diligent yet reserved worker. He rarely calls out sick, never slacks off, and can get along with anyone. Most sigh in relief when they're put on the same shift as him. He wordlessly carries out tasks without anyone's prompting. Despite his solid reputation at the LOTUS-EATER, not much is known about him. He doesn't accept invitations to social outings or seek the companionship of others. These requests are turned down with a soft smile and apologetic look, which makes harboring any ill-will toward him difficult.

In his heart, he can't bring himself to enjoy the freedoms deprived from the one he treasures most. He swore he'd remain by the side of a girl who abruptly stumbled into his melancholic life. This unruly girl would go on to bring excitement and adventure wherever she went. Those boring cycles spent on his lonesome were no more. Her happiness became his, a fact that's never changed. He contents himself on caring for those who he's come to be close to.

Name: Nona Age: 113 Species: Nymphalian Faction: LOTUS-EATER, Arc's Pinion (formally) World: Eris Path: Nihility Combat type: Fire Birthday: November 3rd Sexuality: Pansexual Height: 5′3 Hair color: Chestnut brown Eye color: Amber Favorite animal: Octopi (specifically the dumbo octopus) Favorite food: Red velvet cake Least favorite food: Legumes, fatty meats Favorite things: Punk rock, video games (racing in particular), drumming, clothes, accessories, makeup and plushies Least favorite things: Work, 99% of the people she meets, capitalism and the IPC Clothing style: Gothic lolita and sweet lolita, anything super cute MBTI: ESFP

"A place where anyone can enter, but few can leave."

This would best describe Arc, the purposefully forgotten quadrant of Perianth II. Most who are born here never get to see light, artificial or otherwise. Although Nymphalian's have excellent night vision, Nona was never able to accept navigating a world of darkness. She joined a group of likeminded folk who supposedly sought to better the conditions in Arc. For many years, she sacrificed plenty to realize this dream. After overhearing two of the most prominent leaders squabble over the most insignificant things, she realized the futility of relying on others for a better future.

There had been talks of Nona infiltrating the LOTUS-EATER, as she exhibited the traits necessary for an Arbiter's field of work. Her application for Thelx citizenship was readily accepted. Instead of carrying out her group's wishes, she decided to live for herself. Though Nona was initially standoffish toward her fellow LOTUS-EATER co-workers, she soon formed a bond with her mentor, [First] Phaeales and the bartender Lear.

[holo-squad]

Holoween Prompts

Only three more days until we begin our week-long Holoween bash! 🎃👻

(For details, see my pinned post!)

Would you like to write something or create some art for the week of ghostly holo-horror tales, but can't quite think of anything that would fit? Here are a few ideas to get your started!

The crew makes a pit stop at some far-flung trading station and Picard acquires an Ancient Artefact of Great Renown and Immeasurable Value (i.e. he's sweet-talked into paying way too much for an old piece of junk). Raffi decides it looks like a Ouija board and holds an impromptu sceance, since it's Halloween and all. Unfortunately, it turns out the artefact is not some harmless piece of junk but a highly sophisticated piece of technology that can mess up all kinds of computer code...

Rios is haunted by ghosts of his past and the holos decide to help him through it.

After a few gruelling months of close calls with hostile ships and diplomatic incidents, Steward digs through a database of ancient Earth customs to find something that might cheer up the crew's spirits. He lands on a tradition called a "Halloween Party", which may or may not end in disaster...

Emil has to patch up various participants of Elnor's "introduction to pumpkin carving (with a guest lecture by Emmet on the advantages and disadvantages of various types of knives)".

It's only been a year since Rios has had this holographic "crew" of his, and their relationship is strained, to say the least. When a computer glitch threatens to turn his Emergency Holograms into hollow, lifeless specters of their former selves, he has to decide how far he is willing to go to save them.

Enoch tries to create a corn maze on the holodeck. Things only get more convoluted from there.

Feel free to use any of these as straight-out prompts or modify them to your heart's content!

And if you don't have the time or spoons to create something new, remember: Holoween is an excellent time to practice a little bit of resurrection! 🕯👻

Simply post a link to a work you have already published or reblog some art and tag me, so I can find it and reblog it!

👻🦇🎃 Let's get ready for a spooky Holoween! 🎃🦇👻

[bourtange]

the things i miss most from every job i've had (other than people i've lost touch with)

college bookstore: counting down the drawers/safe at the end of the night. i really enjoy working with numbers like that

college tv studio: tape operator during a live show we ran (this was long enough ago that things were still on tape). i would record the program onto a master tape, and would also cue up and play packages and promos

TA for film professor: creating and maintaining the department's "database" (excel spreadsheet) of movies available for reservation by professors (mostly on dvd, but some vhs or laserdisc)

mall bookstore during christmas: giggling about the customers (generally older women) who had a store-issued "buy 10 get 1 free" stamp card for romance novels. alternative answer: the register and catalog keyboards had a special key for "ISBN X" that you would use if you were typing in the isbn instead of the regular X key (this was before they came out with isbn-13, which did away with the X) and i wish for no practical reason that i had a keyboard with that key on it

large commercial bookstore: frequent access to advance reader copies of soon-to-be-published books (favorite one: goofy novel about prehistoric spiders who come out of hibernation and eat people)

grocery store deli: eating extra slices of meat and cheese (technically a health code violation but try and fucking stop me pigs)

holiday clerk at post office: putting mail in PO boxes. most other clerks tried to avoid it but for me it was the only tolerable part of the job. if there was a job that just did PO boxes, without ever having to interact with customers, i'd still be there today

nonprofit canvassing (2 different jobs): seeing new parts of the city on foot (i hate working outside but i do love exploring)

poll worker: i only did 4 hours of training before it was determined i wasn't actually legally allowed to do the job, but the new computer system they were trying out seemed cool, and they were sorry to let me go because i was picking it up a lot faster than some of the other people

data entry at commercial nursery: having a commute that was the opposite direction from most people's so while everyone going south was stuck in a seven-lane parking lot i'd be sailing north at 80 mph

local government covid response team: getting to drive out to the desert a couple of times. it's a beautiful drive, and there was a pretty good burger place i would get lunch at with a cute coworker not too far from the site

local government clerk: picking out the color palette for the monthly reservation spreadsheet for the department cars; alternative answer: for the first and (so far) only time in my life, working within walking distance from my home

[kimyoonmiauthor]

Part of UX is knowing how to break things rapidly, like AI

I think I found an AI sales agent.

Me to Agent: My Phone isn't working. Could you give me your pet policy on reptiles.

This simple set of instructions broke the reply... This isn't exact, but I have to admit, I love breaking AI.

Agent: Excellent, I see you want to set up an appointment, is 9am OK?

Me to agent: Yes, but I need to know your pet policy on reptiles in cages first. My phone isn't working.

Agent: Then I will set you up for 9am. Please call #.

Me to agent: I will not see the apartment and waste everyone's time if I don't have your pet policy on reptiles.

Agent: We love pets! Here is a list of dogs we accept in the apartment and our policy towards them.

Mi: I asked about your pet policy for reptiles in cages. I will not see the apartment without it.

Agent: Are you still going to see the apartment? If so, when you arrive, please call... #

Mi: I told you in my first contact that the phone was broken. Please give me your pet policy on reptiles in cages. I will not see the apartment without it.

Agent: We love pets! Here is a list of dogs we accept in the apartment and our policy towards them. (Same message)

Mi: Reptiles are what part of the animal kingdom according to Linneaus's chart? You are sounding a lot like gen AI. Could you please answer my question?

Agent: I'm sorry I'm out of the office right now and can't reply, please call me at...

Haha. Real estate companies, don't use Gen AI.

I knew it was AI because the replies were too quick. It was like a copy-paste job.

For a more technical explanation of why a generator would do this...

GenAI is compelled to give an answer even if it doesn't know the answer. Programmers HATE the answer, "I don't know" and rather it say nothing than it say, "I don't know."

You have to really, really drill on it to get it admit I don't know the answer. It'll make up an answer.

Since Gen AI is cued to pick up on keywords, it'll try to trigger the answer based on those keywords.

So the keywords, "pet policy" will trigger the pet policy, but it will utterly fail to recognize "on reptiles." Since "on reptiles" isn't part of the dataset (i.e. the information in the spreadsheet, AKA database).

A human is more likely to say, "I'm not sure, I'll get back to you, you can contact the management company here." and then if they did spit out the dog policy to apologize. (I've been through this before, clearly)

An AI can't accept that because programmers have egos, and kinda it infects AI to not be able to admit defeat.

Since there are multiple requests (the original has three, but that's none of your business since the one that broke the AI was two of them). It seems to only be programmed to deal with one request at a time. Having no phone is unacceptable to the AI, but would be acceptable to a human.

"Then I'll meet you at X time. I understand your situation."

However, the programmer hadn't programmed in this situation, because programmers, generally try to imagine perfect scenarios, while UX people imagine well, the truth of humanity being messy and imperfect and halfway to lost.

I had to tell, BTW, Google on Google maps to more design their Google maps for a 5 year old that couldn't tell left from right and had no compass because programmers are kinda oriented towards thinking of their "perfect" consumer, rather than the consumer that is very imperfect. The consumer that can't tell left from right, might take the wrong bus/train, or turn, the consumer that is young or very old and can't use the app very well. The consumer that can't tell when the bus is doing a rest stop. Because their perfect consumer when they started was an abled probably 20-60 year old that owned a car, occasionally took the bus, of all races and could tell east from West and didn't need landmarks. I had to use multiple letters to disabuse them of this idea. 'cause my concept of their base user is disabled, direction impaired, without a compass, and needs to be handheld, with a short emotional fuse on understanding where anything is.

Thus this is why the AI failed. Two unacceptable answers and it's only programmed to answer one thing at a time, when it fails and cannot schedule an appointment, then it suddenly says the agent is out of the office and to what? Call her.

But by that time, you've lost the sale. I was freaking amused though since I'm more User Experience oriented than programmer oriented.

You want to master interfacing with a human, you kinda have to tap into a more intuitive and instinctual side. The emotional half, as it were.

So can we stop using Gen AI even with limited answer base so it doesn't lie? Probably not.

[tinkerbitch69]

I watched the invasion (dw) recently and I can’t help but notice it has basically the same plot as dark water/death in heaven.

A mysterious company based in present day London is using a new, sinister and dehumanizing technology (in dark water it’s a database that preserves the souls of the dead, in the invasion its answering machines … it was the 60s, ok), the doctor investigates, discovers that the head of the company is in fact aiding the cybermen in an invasion of earth and eventually the doctor defeats the cybermen with the help of UNIT and a Lethbridge-Stewart. Bar a couple of Moffat twists thrown in at the end, the structure of the plot is very similar. And I think this is an interesting case study for how classic who differs from nuwho in a way that showcases their respective strengths and weaknesses.

The serial format of classic who makes it much more suited to mystery plots which can build up a sense of slow burn dread and intrigue. This allows the show to properly build up an eery atmosphere that can become so palpable even the yeti can seem scary. (An effect that is greatly enhanced in the black and white era tbh) however it suffers with more dynamic, action packed plots as the budget doesn’t often stretch far enough to really do much and the longer story format makes action a lot less engaging as it tends to be poorly paced. Consequently the invasion actually kinda becomes boring when the titular invasion starts lmao.

On the other hand Nuwho does action phenomenally, excelling at big set pieces sequences like a cybermen invasion or air force one being attacked and shot out of the sky. It has the budget to do these moments justice and the tighter time constraints of one or two episode stories stop it from dragging or being too few and far between. However these tighter time constraints often make episodes feel overpacked and we rarely get an episode that can build up an moody atmosphere like classic who, not that it doesn’t happen occasionally but it’s much harder to pull off. Case in point despite being an interesting idea we don’t really have the time to explore the database of the dead or really make missy’s company seem sinister.

And so yeah, I thought it was interesting how this similar plot structure illustrates the strengths and weaknesses of both incarnations of the show by excelling and kinda failing at different parts of the same plot. As a fan of both versions who hates to see one neglected or derided in favor of the other i really wanna show people that neither are better than the other, just different. Thank you for coming to my TED talk, have a lovely day :)

[pancakeke]

does anyone have experience confronting their employer about your responsibilities getting wildly out of sync with your job title? my title is supply chain analyst but more than 50% of my work is not supply chain related at all anymore. I'm being treated mostly as a data analyst. data analyst salaries are 10% higher than supply chain analysts salaries in my area plus there are many more job opportunities for data analysts. I want a title change.

also does anyone have experience writing a resume when your responsibilities are not related to your title? should I just say I'm a data analyst because that's the work I'm doing or is there some special section I can add noting secondary work as an unofficial data analyst. there is other shit I do very often too that is barely related to either role.

anyone who has been following me for a while is gonna think I'm sooo late to this realization but it's getting pretty clear to me that my workplace is not going to stop pushing me into roles that I'm not appropriately compensated for, and because these roles are not official I will never receive any support, even when I explicitly request it. I have already been denied support multiple times.

this isn't just random people asking me to do one-time odd jobs either. our COO, CFO, and multiple directors ask me directly to do shit like investigate errors in our website and its tools to uncover what is causing data to display incorrectly. this is to shift labor off our web dev team and onto me, why us paid way less than a developer. I do NOT know ANY programming, I just know the database. this has happened five or six times now.

I also manage customer issues directly with the customers because our sales team does not appropriately train anyone in their department. I create orders for them too because they can not be trusted to enter them (not because they're untrained, but because they were not entering these intentionally). I provide records and reporting for accounting audits. I build weird calculators and generators in Excel for every department except two (IT and web dev) because those two can't justify devoting time to those projects and integrating them into our site. I create extremely weird queries to trace information that out database does not track appropriately (and this will never be fixed).

there are zero docs for anything I do except the ones I personally wrote, and only very limited notes scattered around. I was never trained and only picked sql and stuff up cause when I was a buyer digging into data helped me solve problems more efficiently. I have been begging web dev to tell me when they update anything because they keep breaking extremely serious tools but they have been ghosting me entirely. literally all they have to do is CC me on update emails but they won't do it.

also there isn't anyone else in the company who is proficient in sql and stuff (outside dev, and they're miles above me) to back me up so if I'm overloaded or need other help I'm shit out of luck. this makes taking PTO a fucking nightmare too because I'm always in the middle of helping someone out of a fucking fire and everyone does that shit where they say I can take PTO any time I want without worrying but then constantly assign me with critical tasks and demand results asap.

It is beyond time for me to be realistic about this job and what I want to do with myself 40 hours a week until I die, so I need to start working toward either making my current situation more tolerable or going elsewhere.

[booksrbetterthanpeople]

Batraculous East➡️

Austin A (Glam Bat): Austin A sticks to the daytime crimes, but mostly joins his squad in tackling the crimes happening at night. His hairspray is amazing at keeping his hair in place, and it's strong enough to make criminals freeze in place. His Pink Bat suit allows for excellent mobility due to its lightweight, and he has tons of hair-care-inspired weapons in his belt

Austin B (Bat Byte): Austin B prefers to stick behind the scenes when it comes to stopping crime due to some breathing problems, and often sends his avatar to assist his teammates while he takes care of things at the Bat Cave. Bat Byte, controlled by Austin B via tech goggles and wearable sensors, is capable of teleporting, hacking into any database, and sending electric shockwaves

Austin Q (Shark Bat): Austin Q handles aqua crimes, such as bastards dumping oil into the water. His sharp teeth always send people running. His Shark Bat suit allows him to breathe underwater, and it can withstand the pressures of the sea

Austin T (Bake Bat): Austin T also handles daytime crimes, usually domestic disturbances, and he's not entirely gentle when apprehending abusive partners and parents. The scents of fresh-baked pastries he releases from his suit help to calm victims down, and that function comes in handy when someone's having a panic attack

Lotta Jameson (Stunt Bat): Lotta's entire suit comes with shock absorption technology, so she can get hit as many times as she'd like without issue. She'll handle any sort of crime you throw her way, no matter how dangerous

Kendra Anne Gundersun (Upside Down Bat): A nighttime hero who handles stealth missions. She's extremely flexible, and her suit is made to contort with her. It comes with an invisibility function, along with one that allows her to scale walls (Though, she prefers ceilings)

DJ Detwiler (Prank Bat): DJ's suit is made to fit her love of pranks. It comes with an invisibility function, a voice changer in the mask, x-ray goggles, and more. His Prank Bat suit is made to blend into the night, which is when a lot of crime happens and makes for the perfect opportunity to test out a few of his best pranks on criminals

Austin Spinelli (Grace Bat): Spinelli's Grace Bat suit is inspired by male ballet outfits, lightweight and breathable, but it still offers plenty of protection. The ribbons tied around his arms act as grappling hooks or binds for when he's apprehending criminals

Gia Griswald (G.I. Bat): Gia focuses on defense when out in the field, but once she's up against a criminal, she puts her training to use and takes down someone twice her size in under a minute. Her suit with shock-absorption and bullet-proof fabric

Victoria LaSalle (Hoop Bat): Do not underestimate the wheelchair, Victoria as Hoop Bat will still take you down. His bat suit, lovingly created by his boyfriend, Gerard, is capable of creating plasma orbs, which she throws like they're basketballs, and with excellent precision. They can electrocute anyone they hit and momentarily incapacitate them

Gerard Grundler (Genius Bat): As the name implies, he is a genius. Like Austin B, he also works behind the scenes and sends his avatar, Genius Bat, to fight in his place from time to time, but mostly goes out on the field. His suit comes equipped with a badass labcoat

Mindy Blumberg (Harmony Bat): Mindy, like Jean, also has a voice amplifier in their batsuit, but when they don't feel like singing, they occasionally throw a mean punch thanks to their weighted gauntlets

Rochelle Weems (Blackmail Bat): Rochelle's got dirt on everyone. Zir batsuit mask comes equipped with technology that allows them to hear even a pin drop from miles away, and ze can filter out certain sounds to focus on only one. Ze usually handles undercover missions with Mason

Mason Ewing (Info Bat): As Info Bat, Mason can decipher any sort of code created by criminals, and he can figure out passwords in five seconds flat by using his tech goggles, which project all sorts of info before his eyes. Her suit comes equipped with a holographic screen for her to log any information she comes across

Beck King: (Bat King): A veteran of Batraculous East and the best older sibling figure they've had. They've gone solo, but occasionally stop by just to be around their old teammates. Their suit comes with a hover function, almost making it look as if they're gliding through the streets, and allowing them to perform some excellent parkour moves

Batsuits

Austin A's Batsuit: A sleek suit with a pink and black color scheme and a sparkle emblem on his chest. His utility belt comes equipped with numbing spray, lipstick taser, and a comb knife, and his cape comes with a hood to protect his gorgeous hair from the rain

Austin B's Batsuit: A tech-inspired suit with a yellow and black color scheme and a pixelated bat emblem on the chest. Byte Bat's mask connects to Austin B's goggles, allowing him to see what he sees. So far, the only thing in his utility belt is a pair of handcuffs

Austin Q's Batsuit: Very Shark Boy-inspired. A slate blue and grey color scheme with a shark emblem on the chest. His batsuit is similar to a wet suit, and his mask is hooked up to a small but long-lasting oxygen tank built into it. The vision settings adjust the further he goes underwater, it can release pheromones that scare off predatory fish, and he has claws built into his gloves that are just as strong as a shark's teeth

Austin T's Batsuit: So. Much. PASTELS. Pastel green with white, and a pastel green bat on the chest. His batsuit is not all too intimidating, but that only gives criminals a chance to underestimate him and not put up much of a fight so he can deck them. His utility belt comes with a taser, pepper spray, a collapsable staff, and capsules filled with deconstructed baked goods for him to give to kids (Don't worry, he replaces them every day) His cape acts as a blanket for kids because he's sweet like that

Lotta's Batsuit: A sleek, reinforced, and lightweight suit with shock-absorption technology, allowing her to parkour and get into fights with no fear (Not that she ever had any) Lotta's suit is green with hints of brown, and a black bat emblem on her chest. Her utility belt comes equipped with a collapsable staff

Kendra's Batsuit: As bright and pink as Austin A's with a white bat emblem on the chest. Her suit is lightweight and not too bulky so she can perform some of her contortionist stunts. The protective material absorbs any blows and her utility belt comes equipped with several mini spy cameras for her to place where people would least suspect

DJ's Batsuit: A bright green color with hints of orange, and a smiley face emblem on the chest. His suit is almost like a Batsuit version of Miss Joke's hero costume, and there's a smile painted on their mask. Their utility belt comes equipped with laughing gas spray, a small jellybean can that releases a net, itching powder, and ink bombs

Austin S's Batsuit: A lightweight red and black suit reminiscent of a male ballerina's costume with a red bat emblem on the chest. The ribbons around his arms act as Aizawa's capture weapon. No one knows how they work. His cape comes with a hood that shadows his face but only shows two glowing red eyes, making for some haunting performances.

Gia's Batsuit: Gia's suit is reinforced with Kevlar. Her suit is an army camouflage print with a black bat emblem on her chest and comes equipped with weighted gloves that can knock someone out with a single punch. Her utility belt contains non-lethal hand grenades that give off small blasts when activated and incapacitate anyone standing too class. Her cape is bullet-proof for added protection

Victoria's Batsuit: Athleisure-style Batsuit with a green and yellow color scheme and a basketball with bat wings emblem on the chest, and her cropped cape comes with a hood. His utility belt is equipped with a grappling hook and taser, and his gloves are capable of making the plasma orbs. His wheelchair has voice-activation settings, only responding to his voice alone, and the wheels can fly off on their own and strike a criminal. (Imagine Go-Go's wheels)

Gerard's Batsuit: A high-tech suit colored a light blue with hints of white and a beaker emblem on the chest. His utility belt comes with tracking chips, capsules containing gaseous forms of his elixirs made to either heal his teammates or knock out criminals, and a taser. The hologram wristlet displays maps, records, the locations of his teammates, etc.

Mindy's Batsuit: Imagine badass Juliet Capulet. Her suit is a pastel purple with hints of white and has a music note with bat wings emblem on her chest. Poet sleeves. Her belt is equipped with a whip, and, like Jean, a device that's able to throw her voice. Her cape also comes with a hood because... Dramatic.

Rochelle's Batsuit: Rochelle's suit is dark blue with black accents and a black bat emblem on the chest. Zir utility belt comes with a tranquilizer gun and small microphones to leave in certain areas and pick up any conversations. Zir mask covers zir mouth and allows zir to hear anything from miles away. Zir cape also functions as an invisibility cloak

Mason's Batsuit: A lightweight suit colored blue with hints of black. Her mask is equipped with tech goggles that project the entire internet before her eyes (Even the dark web) The bracelet on her wrist can open up a holographic screen for them to take notes on, and their utility belt comes with an audio recorder pen, whip, and ink bombs

Beck's Batsuit: Beck's suit is black with some hints of blue and red. Their leather jacket is covered in graffiti and has a crown emblem on the back with bat wings. Their utility belt comes equipped with a grappling hook, collapsable staff, and throwing stars. Built into their gloves are brass knuckles and right at their fingertips are tasers. Their boots have hidden blades in the heels and allow for them to scale any surface

Base Rooms

The secret basement of the Tomassian estate is used as their home base

-The Main Control Room: The main center of the Batcave, equipped with all sorts of holographic displays built by Gerard and Austin B that track criminal activity and show maps of the city. There's a table-like touchscreen that controls the whole room- lights, furniture, and music. This is where DJ organizes each mission

-Garage: Their garage is filled with their own personal vehicles

-Armory: Gia, Gerard, Austin Q, and Kendra keep the room stocked with many different weapons ranging from hand grenades to DJ's prank supplies

-The Lab: This is Gerard and Austin B's territory. If you see the red light outside the lab is on, it means they're working on something, so do not disturb them. There are five supercomputers, a massive chemistry set, a 3D printer, a testing area behind indestructible glass for the others to test out any functions of their Batsuits, and three robot assistants

-Training Room: The training area comes equipped with state-of-the-art workout equipment, virtual training simulations, practice dummies that track their progress, and a wall of traditional weapons. Gia, Victoria, Kendra, Beck, and Austin Q run that very room with iron fists.

-The Library: It's full of massive shelves filled with paperback books and some Kindles (Mostly used by Gerard and Austin B), and the backroom contains records of the city, known criminals, and gangs. Gerard, Spinelli, Rochelle, Mindy, Austin B, and Mason frequent the library the most out of the others

-The Infirmary: Mostly frequented by Lotta. Austin T, Mindy, and Gia oversee the medical bay equipped with all sorts of medical technology and supplies. Gerard created Med-bots designed to safely carry anyone injured into the infirmary

-The Lounge: A comfortable space for the team to relax, watch movies, and grab something from the kitchen where Austin T. and Victoria cook every meal. It's also where the couples like to make out... A lot. If you see Austin A and Spinelli making out on the couch, just don't disturb them, alright? Seriously.

Vehicles

-The Batcycle: A tech motorcycle used by Beck that can move swiftly through any crowd. No one dares to ride it, because Beck will know and give the disappointed look

-The Bat Boards: Kendra, Austin A, Lotta, and Spinelli's hoverboards, used by them for patrols and surveillance through the city. The Bat Boards can travel at high speeds, and someone who's not used to riding one may find themselves a little shaken up

-The Bat-Tank: A reinforcement manned by Gia in the event the team is facing the occasional robot army or villain in an indestructible suit. for even the harshest terrains. The Bat-Tank comes with a cannon that should only be used in dire situations

-Victoria's Bat Chair: ONLY to be used by Victoria. A high-tech wheelchair with voice activation technology. The wheels can be thrown or shot off on their own like disks and can flip over horizontally to make the Bat Chair hover

-The Bat Jet: A high-tech smart jet piloted mainly by Austin B and Gerard. It can hold the entire team, is equipped with cloaking technology, auto-pilot, a long-lasting battery, and a fully stocked fridge for long-distance traveling

-The Bat Pack: Jet Packs used by Austin T, Rochelle, and Mason for surveillance missions. The Bat Packs are light-weight and battery-powered, barely making a sound. They also come with small grappling hooks to easily get from one spot to another

-The Bat Vespa: DJ and Mindy's Bat Vespa is built for two, comes equipped with motion centers so they can detect if someone is following them at night, can dispense smoke bombs, and is even able to hover

-The Bat Convertible: Operated primarily by Austin Q, this is a sleek sports car that blends in with the night. It comes with auto-pilot settings, can be driven from the Bat Cave using a tablet linked to it, and has an underwater function in case Austin Q drives it into the water... Again

Night in Paris

Glam Bat: Glam Bat was getting his hair done at his usual salon when an armed robber burst in and held a beautician at gunpoint, threatening to fire unless everyone handed over their valuables. Not missing a beat, Glam Bat flung his comb knife at the robber's hand, making him drop the gun, and then he sprayed him with his numbing spray

Bat Byte: A string of cyber crimes has been hitting the city for quite some time now. Phones were blaring random alarms for national disasters that never happened, and computers were suddenly short-circuiting and losing all sorts of important date, so Bat Bye put on his tech goggles and did some digging. After looking through the Dark Web, he tracked the offenders down and sent his avatar to apprehend them

Shark Bat: While making his rounds through the water, he was about to resurface when an anvil dropped into the water with a rope tied around it, and the other end was tied around a man's ankle. Shark Bat tore through the rope with his claws, offered the man his mask to breathe, and swam back up the surface where he then proceeded to knock out the bastards who were trying to dispose of the man so he couldn't testify in court tomorrow

Bake Bat: While doing some surveillance in a neighborhood, Bake Bat was keeping tabs on a home that many people have reported regarding child abuse. Just when he was about to leave, he heard something coming from the backyard and found out that the shed was holding three children captive. After handing the children over to the police and giving them some cupcakes, he gave the "parents" a lengthy and graphic threat

Stunt Bat: Stunt Bat was hired as security for an actress who was being stalked by an unknown person. While guarding the hotel room, Stunt Bat heard a scream coming from the actress' room and found her in the middle of being kidnapped by the stalker. Stunt Bat barely stumbled when the stalker threw a barrage of punches at her, and easily knocked him out with one punch

Upside Down Bat: While staking out a mansion linked to several civilian disappearances, Upside Down Bat finds out that the owners are auctioning off human beings to rich buyers. She easily sneaks in undetected, takes out a few people who manage to spot her, and leaves several mini-cameras where the auction is being held. In just a few seconds, the auction was being broadcast all over the city

Prank Bat: Prank Bat often frequents a comedy club in the evenings when he's free. While up on stage and making the audience burst into laughter, he caught a guy hitting on a girl who was clearly underage and uncomfortable. She then proceeded to heckle the guy and turn everyone's attention toward him. To further humiliate him, Prank bat threw a couple of ink bombs the guy's way, covering him in an array of colors

Grace Bat: While giving instructions at a dance studio for children, Grace Bat heard some commotion coming from outside. Two very angry parents were questioning the whereabouts of their son who they forbade from taking "sissy dance lessons." He apprehended them with his ribbons when the two began harassing people, and quickly called the police. According to them, the boy's aunt and uncle took out a restraining order on them a year ago

G.I. Bat: G.I. Bat was doing a few patrol rounds one evening when she saw two guys trying to force a woman into a car. Not wasting a second, she hurried over, easily defeated the two very muscular men, and blocked gunfire from the driver before taking him out. Apparently, the woman escaped from an organ harvesting organization and led G.I. Bat and the police right to their base

Hoop Bat: He occasionally teaches kids and teenagers how to play basketball. While at their usual court, Hoop Bat noticed a well-known street gang occupying it. When they refused to comply, and even whipped out a few bats, Hoop Bat shot a few plasma orbs at them and knocked them out cold

Genius Bat: The avatar was doing some surveillance when he came across a hostage situation at the bank. Genius Bat got his gear on and hurried over. He maneuvered his way through the vents and dropped a few capsules on the criminals, causing their body's to go completely numb and allowing the officers to easily apprehend them

Harmony Bat: Harmony Bat was working undercover, singing in the choir for a cult hidden in plain sight. After collecting all of the evidence they needed, showing the cult leader harvesting the organs of children, they immediately sprung into action and temporarily deafened everyone in the room, leaving the children unharmed since it was only at a frequency adults could hear. The cult and several other sectors were raided and put to an end

Blackmail Bat: Blackmail Bat, like the name implies, blackmailed several government officials who have done... Less than wonderful things. Orphanages are being renovated, there's better health care, and abusers are actually getting arrested. This went on for a few more weeks until Blackmail Bat decided ze was satisfied, and exposed every single crime

Info Bat: A string of kidnappings has been going on all across the city, and the perpetrators always leave a clue behind in the form of a strange note with some sort of code just to taunt officers. Info Bat easily figured out the codes and tracked them down to an old apartment building where the kidnapped people were being held

Bat King: This was their last mission with Batraculous East before going solo. Spotting a group of armed gunman in a massive estate, they stealthily made their way in, easily disarmed the gunman with only their staff, and saved the family that was held hostage

@imsparky2002 @msweebyness

[paa-official]

Dialogue

[Audio tape clicking]

My name is Alethia Wilson. I’m reporting at august 15th 1969 and I’m at the Alamo County Police Station, Nevada. This audio tapes main purpose is for protocol and will mostly be used by me. This and following recordings are top secret and will be classified information owned by the government once my work on this case is done.

My carrier is focused on interrogating criminals and similar. But I’ve only been in this field for a short time and I haven’t gathered much experience. As a woman, it is difficult to get many gigs, therefore I am happy to be able to take this case. I will try my best to get the suspects to speak, while being calm and collected.

Not to many days ago the area 51 has reached out to us to interrogate four suspects, two male and two female. Before that I didn’t even knew this area really existed, but my hopes to see this location in person were swept away, as I was told the interrogation was moved to a location nearby.

Those four suspects didn’t speak a word to the other interrogators, which is why I was booked to fly over from New York. Because of them not speaking, the area 51 staff started being suspicious of them being soviet spies. But I share a different opinion. If they were soviets, they couldn’t sneak into the most location of the world, without someone not noticing their accents. Maybe there is more behind all of this and I’m getting behind it.

The first suspect I’m interrogating is someone special. Everybody's fingerprints were taken and sent through every database across the US and no matches were found, but I think it’s obvious that this one couldn’t.

It looks like it is one of the male intruders. According to the data of the physical observation, he is 1.82 meters tall, has yellow eyes, fiery red hair and a blue skin. He has a muscular build and apart from the mentioned details he seems very humanoid.

Among the items he carried with him was a black rectangle, which could be turned on with a button on the side. Unfortunately no one could do anything with it, because it was blocked by some sorts of a pin code. The only purpose it could bring us; emphasis on purpose; was displaying a time. Although there was some strange delay, with which the time didn’t match with any timezone of the soviet union. Or any timezone of the entire world.

He also carried two sword handles with him, which both didn’t have any blades. Even I cannot fathom the purpose of this items. He also wore an advanced metallic armor of some sorts with countless burns, scratches and dents from bullets.

The motivation is unknown due to the lack of communication. That’s why I was called in.

[Pausing audio tape]

[Door that’s being opened and handcuffs attaching]

Good morning. Before we start, my name is Alethia Wilson. I would appreciate you to introduce yourself, because your name is not stated in your file.

…

You would do us all a big favor, if you’d just talk with me. It would even help yourself get out of here as fast as possible.

… Wilson you say. Alright, how can I help you?

Excellent. Can you state your name for me please, before we can properly start?

Yes, of course. I’m Apath Wilson. A-P-A-T-H, some people never managed to write my name down correctly.

Mhm, Wilson. So we are namesakes

Oh, I know. That’s why I’m talking to you.

What do you mean by that?

We will get to that later.

Alright. How about we start with you telling me, why you and the other three broke into the area 51?

Uhhh… Nope.

Well, then not, I guess. Would you like to tell me about your origin?

… Are you sure about it?

I’m pretty sure. I need to know everything.

Well, if you have this much free time, I mean who am I to dictate how you should spend your free time, right?

Right…

Just one thing: Can those three men behind the mirror stop being pissed, because I’m talking to you but not to them? I’d appreciate that very much.

… How do you know there are exactly three men?

I’m an empath. I can sense how much they’re pissed off right now.

Empath? You mean you can sense the emotions of others?

And manipulate them, if I want to.

… What else can you do?

I mean, I can shape shift.

Pff.

You don’t believe me?

Pardon me, but I find it quite difficult to imagine you shape shifting into someone else.

[Take on Alethias appearance]

[Chair falls over] Holy shit!

I told you. Do we wanna start talking about my origin?

Can… can the others do that too?

No. The others are human. I’m a griever.

A griever?

Yes. All griever have an ability. But everyone has just one. I, on the other hand, have two, which isn’t normal.

And why do you have two?

Let me start with, where I come from.

[soap-deity]

do you hate yourself?

maybe because of something you did or said, or something somebody else did to you or said about you... or maybe you don't like the way you look or sound or move or think or feel. or maybe you don't know why you hate yourself, but you just do.

firstly, i'd like you to take a minute to look up from your phone, close your eyes, and smile for a good five seconds.

and now, grab your insecurities by the ear and yeet them out the nearest window. bye-bye, low self-esteem!

it's that easy. you know why?

because your personal therapist in your mind is made up of :

- the advisor (a.k.a. the "chatbot")

- the reassurance (aka the "parrot")

what these two have in common is that they hold on to something you may have told yourself once and keep repeating it over and over. that's the only way they learn and add new phrases to their database/vocabulary. phrases such as "you're worthless" or "you don't deserve anything".

darling, you're wasting your precious time into believing these obviously untrue statements. stop crying every night and sacrificing hours and hours of your life to the endless yapping coming from a gosh darn parrot, for Pete's sake.

it's a bloody PARROT, of course it'll repeat everything you tell it. now please don't tell me you've gone and taught it some dumb stuff because you better not act surprised if you hear it yelling the cruelest, silliest lies at you.

you know what's good about this though? you have complete control over what you teach the ai chatbot/parrot.

not to sound business-like here but every single human being has the potential to be exploited. when people say "it's all in the mind", what they mean is that you can train your brain into making you behave the way you want. your reality is a mirror of every single one of your thoughts and actions.

there are so many beautiful things that you're hiding from that mirror, just by letting the chatbot and the parrot decide what to display in front of it. if only you could see yourself the way you're supposed to... you are a 100% unique, groundbreaking, glittering celebration of nature's elements coming together to form you, and you have the audacity to hate yourself? can you imagine living an entire life with someone you barely respect? it wasn't meant to be this way, and you know it.

take back the reigns from the chatbot and the parrot and start teaching them to say the right things. you need to remember who you really are, instead of being clouded by their false claims. feed them with knowledge, build new skills, and indulge generously in positive self-talk. your mere existence has an impact on millions of other lives one way or another whether you know it or not, so you're not only doing yourself a favour by conditioning your mind, but a favour to every other breathing entity. that's a lot of power you have there, so make use of it.

you are valuable, and so special. did you know that? well now you do, sweetheart :)

the best version of yourself has already been promised to you since the very beginning. if you use them right, the chatbot and the parrot can be tools to achieving just that.

train your therapist well, because darling, you are so important to this world. i beg you, don't let your wonderful self go to waste.

you're exquisite, honey! you always have been! and it'll just keep getting more and more obvious over the course of time, until you become the epitome of excellence.

and finally, be careful of what the mini therapist tells you; if it isn't constructive, that's when you know it simply doesn't deserve your attention.

i love you <3